KILL TONY - #487 - FIRST AUSTIN SHOW!

Episode Date: January 8, 2021

Jon Keyz, Michael Hale, Michael A. Gonzales, Jimmy Blazer, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/11/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY 

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. Again, that's DeathSquad.tv. And if you wanna buy a Death Squad shirt or a Kill Tony shirt, you gotta go to our merchandise website

and that's ShopSquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Ryan J. Ebel, he's our house artist. He draws every episode. Check out his website at ryanjeebel.com. And last but not least, Tony has his own website, TonyHinchCliff.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony,

including tour dates and merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, y'all, this is Red Band coming to you live from Antones in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, here's TonyHinchCliff. What's up, Austin, Texas?

Good evening and welcome. It's a live audience here at Kill Tony. You guys excited to be here or what? We're here for you. We're here for you. We're here for you. We're here for you. We're here for you.

We're here for you. We're here for you. We're here for you. We're here for you. Are you excited to be here or what? The great Brian Red Band is here. What is up, guys? We're here.

New residents of Austin, Texas. How exciting is this? This is the first episode of Kill Tony with an audience in over 10 months. Wow. Wow. It feels great to be here, guys. The great Ryan J. E. Belt is here via streaming services.

We're excited to announce that today, as you listen to this show, it is the release of the new Kill Tony the coloring book, everybody. Yes. You're the first people to hear about this. Yes. It's a new coloring book with all the drawings of Kill Tony without the color and you get to color it.

That's what our target audience is. Yeah. A lot of meth heads are really happy about that, I heard. We got fed today by the great Yoni, a local talent. Vito's Pizza. It turns out Austin, not known for their pizza. So we found a barbecue guy. His name is Yoni Barbecue and you can follow him at Best Barbecue.

He has that handle on social media, so it goes to show you how good his barbecue is. He's at Best Barbecue. Caveman Coffee is the promo code Kill Tony and here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible for you. Hey, y'all. Recently, more than 100 Twitter users got their accounts

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Are you guys excited to be here or what? As with all road episodes, we'll go guest list tonight to fill in, to feel it out and to get comfortable here in Austin, Texas. However, everybody's been asking, what about the band? What about the band? On top of a lot of special surprises that we have lined up for tonight's episode for you,

the real Kill Tony fans and the people that were brought here by real Kill Tony fans because they had to buy a table. We're excited to announce that you're the first people to hear and see the stylings of our new Kill Tony band. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best band in the land, John Dees, Michael Gonzalez, Michael Hale and Jimmy Blazer.

We have a new band, everybody. We are now racially diverse as ever. This is very exciting. Oh, wow, there you go. It's been said. That was my inner conscience yelling from the other side of the room. No, we love Jeremiah. By the way, Jeremiah is going to be here

at the Vulcan Gas Company this Thursday, headlining his own show. The little baby boy has all grown up doing his own show, but we're excited. I met John a couple weeks ago. He plays keyboards with a great Gary Clark Jr. And here he is now on the keys. Welcome to the show, John.

He's on social media, John Keyes. We're going to find out more about everybody a little bit later. We have a bucket for the first time in absolutely forever. I mean, we had a bucket in L.A. with four or five or whatever pre-selected people swirling around the bucket for five names isn't any fun, but we're excited to announce

that here tonight for this very show, out on that sidewalk right now, waiting, and some of you in this room, over 80 people signed up for tonight's show here in Austin, Texas. A true scene where anything can happen. And when I call the names, someone out there is going to yell the name that I just called

and they're going to safely and briskly walk to this stage. So be on the lookout when someone, I mean, someone's going to fall. Just a reminder that Antones, Kill Tony, Golden Pony Productions, and Death Squad Productions are not responsible for any injuries that occur during the taping of this show.

So what do you guys think? Should we start this thing or what? We're live for the first time ever. I mean, live with an audience. So let's start with one of the surprises, shall we? Instead of reaching into this bucket, while 80 people wait in the freezing cold on early January, let's start with a surprise.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy going up first, a regular on Kill Tony, one of the longest standing regulars in the history of the show. To start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of our all-time favorites, the great, the powerful, big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody, with a brand new 60 seconds.

Music Vanderbilt had a female kicker in football this year. Texas A&M responded by saying, what's next, female cheerleaders? No Texas fans in here, I guess. I wish the opioid crisis would end so my girlfriend and I can start doing them again. You want big dick energy?

Re-elect Nixon. Richard Nixon is so sexy, Frost couldn't cool him off. No history people, that's a hell of a joke for people that know history. G Gordon Liddy broke into the Watergate Hotel when he couldn't break into show business so you tell me how life isn't fair.

For Christmas this year, I'm going as Santa Claus. Man, these jokes aren't working. Can I do my two last Santa jokes? Yeah, absolutely, go right ahead. If I was a millionaire and I could live wherever I wanted, I'd probably live at the North Pole with Santa Claus. Say what you will about Santa Claus, but he's not Muslim.

There you go, William Montgomery starting tonight's show. So nice to be here. I'm in front of a live audience, William. How does that make you feel? It has been a Coons age. Wait, what exactly, what length of time is that? It's a figure of speech, it's like three weeks. Who says, what, three weeks?

Yeah, I think a Coons age is three weeks. Who told you that? Where'd you learn that from? He's from the South. It's three weeks, I think. But it's been way longer than three weeks. I haven't seen this many people in the crowd. It's been a Coons age.

Okay, I would stop saying that if I was you. William, so it's been a while since we've seen you. Welcome to Austin. It has. How was your trip to Austin? Man, I thought I was having a heart attack in the airplane. Why? I got really sweaty and dizzy.

You did? Yep. What did you do before getting on the airplane? I don't know, I had to take my sweatshirt off. Oh, that was it. You just were over your head. And I got a little better. Yeah.

Wow, I thought there was going to be a big twist to the story. It turns out you're just like a big baby. You just got real hot. Too many clothes on, huh? Yep, too many sweatshirts. So how did you spend your holiday, William? We haven't really gotten a chance to catch up. It was so nice.

I'm always a big celebrator of our Lord Jesus Christ birthday. Yeah, it was just a really nice one. Yeah, what'd you do? Opened up presents. Who got you presents? My brother, Vance, back in Memphis. How many presents did he send you? He sent me two.

He sent me a master's koozie and a t-shirt. Wow, this is the saddest Christmas I've ever heard of in my life. Your mom actually sent about 40 pounds, she said, of cookies to give away to all of us. And I noticed that I never got any cookies. David didn't get any cookies. Did you eat 40 pounds of cookies? I did. That's why my tummy looks this way.

That's true. For those of you just listening to the podcast, William has returned to the show looking like someone electrocuted a pile of mashed potatoes. This is true. I don't think that's a real lie. What the fuck? This is William Montgomery. No, it is true.

Yeah, this really hasn't gone well. I apologize, Texas. Normally I am... You opened up with a joke about Texas A&M and Vanderbilt and then Texas... I don't know who people fucking like around here. I was trying to fucking get the crowd on my side. There was maybe Texas A&M fans in here. One of the things we've seen you do is pander to fans.

It was one of our favorite things when you were doing it. You want to give it another shot? You want to try to pander to these Texas people? See what gets them to go crazy? Let's do it. Here's William Montgomery pandering. Hold on. Who's someone from Texas? Are you doing crowd work right now?

Yeah, hold on. Give me a name from a Texan. What about George W. Bush, y'all? He's from Texas, isn't he? I love George W. Bush. What y'all think about George W.? He's from Connecticut. Shut the fuck up.

Don't fuck this up for me. He was finally starting to go kind of alright. He's from Connecticut, you fucking bitch. Seriously, stop. Seriously, stop. Name someone else from Texas. Don't ask. Just go with your gut. Someone from Texas.

Who is the... Okay, here, ask me again. Alright, who do you love from Texas, William? Let's give it up for Toucan Sam. Look at all these people are mad. You don't know these people from Texas. These people have a lot of pride here, William. I've really messed up.

I was kidding with Toucan Sam. Now, William's originally from Tennessee. You guys are both considered the South to most Americans. What's different between Tennessee and Texas to you, William? Probably all the black people. Whoa. Geez, alright. You told me to say that.

You told me to say that. My goodness. My goodness. William, you had multiple jokes about Richard Nixon tonight. Did you just learn who that is? I did, actually. The 32nd president of the United States. Yeah.

Really fun guy. It's like Coon's age since he was in office. It has. Wow. William, what else are you looking forward to doing during your time here in beautiful Austin, Texas? I think David and I are going to scuba dive some in one of the springs. Why do you always connect Texas with scuba diving? Because the last episode you told me you were going to murder me when I was scuba diving.

And some fucking springs. Do people do that here? Do people scuba dive in Texas? I just don't hear. I'm sure they do. There's a lot of scuba diving here, Tony. Wow. The place really went crazy for scuba diving.

Scuba diving and Toucan Sam got the same response. My God, yeah, it's been nine months and I was feeling like I was on a high horse and now this. And it is turning into a literal nightmare for me. It is interesting. Again, for those of you just listening, he looks like the Gordon's fisherman drowned. Yeah. This is a charismatic look, William. You're wearing the hat.

Is there anything underneath that hat special that you want to show the audience? You want to see it? Look at that. The crowd goes wild. You'll see this shit. Look at that. That is incredible. He's looking Merle Haggard tonight.

And you have socks and penny loafers on. Is that something you read about in GQ? It is. It's a new look. It's a new look I'm going for. How's your love life, William? You leave your abusive girlfriend at home? Was she mad that you came out here?

She's sweet. She's going to watch this. So don't say abusive because I get abused when that happens. It somehow turns into my fault. Do you have any bruises right now you can show us? No, I'm fine. It's been better than ever recently. Was she upset that you came out here?

No, she was real supportive. William, some people told us that you got a little bit too drunk last night. You want to tell us something that maybe happened last night when you got too drunk? I don't know if I want to. Okay, there you go. All right. How many drinks do you think you had yesterday if you had to guess? That's probably 16 Lone Stores.

Let's give it up for Lone Stores! Hey! Lots of Lone Stores! There it is. We know what he's opening with next week. Well, William, so much fun. Is there anything else that you should catch us up on or that you want to plug or say or anything? I will be at Showtime in the Apollo in two weeks.

There you go. I don't know if I believe that. All right. William Montgomery. This is great. I know. Thank you so much. William Montgomery, everybody.

There we go. It has begun. Yeah! Yeah! God, we have a real band, everybody. Yeah, so much fun. This is so nice. Absolutely incredible.

Going to hear a saxophone in our ear screaming away. You know, I think William was really hung over from yesterday. He seemed kind of, he seemed a little out of it or something. I think so too. William's a little bit, I don't know, he may have caught the Rona while here. All right. You guys having fun? You get it yet?

See, to me, this is always the fun part. A real stranger right off the fucking street. Completely anything can happen. And we haven't done this in 10 months. So you guys ready to get to this bucket or what? It's been a long time. So maybe you don't know. I pulled their name out.

Once they start talking on the microphone, they get 60 seconds. At the end of that 60 seconds, you hear the sound of a kitten. And then if they run the light, they bring out the angry sixth street bear. And your first person of Austin, Texas. Wow, this is crazy. This young lady actually came here all the way from Los Angeles. She's been made famous in the last few months on this show by being the psychic of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Christy Belich.

That's incredible. Christy Belich. First up. Yeah, the stairways that way. All right. There she goes. There we go. Here she comes.

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Christy Belich. So I just found out that my ex-boyfriend is now fucking my now ex-best friend, you guys. I know, right? The thing is, as long as I knew my ex-best friend, that motherfucker was always a lesbian. And this dick was not the dick to change her over, you know? Like it was like cocked to the side. You had to crisco that shit. You had to go home depot.

You had to get that all shit righted up. Anyway, I lost breath. But the thing is, before I moved to LA, I don't end in my bed to his family, which means they're fucking on my old bed that has my period stain on it. And it's not even like the nice, straight out the art store, goddess, pomegranate, red-flowing blood. It's like the chunky brown, like Jackson Pollock, straight up on that posturpedic. Christy Belich. This is what I think.

Wow. I feel like if Red Band was a woman, he would have written a set like that. No, no. My period blade is chunky. No, that's, that shit was a lot, very graphic. That reminds, I used to do that kind of graphic. It is. He's hard as a rock back there.

I'm hard. Yeah, that's disturbing. Is this true that your ex is fucking, what was it, your best, former best friend? Yeah, this is a true story. I moved to Los Angeles with my ex, and then I kicked him out, kicked him straight to the curb. Why'd you kick him out? Because there's, okay, there's a lot of men out there, probably not my lovely musicians on stage, but there's a lot of men out there who ain't motherfucking shit.

Wow. You know what I mean? Well, why was this guy not shit? That's me before I got on stage. What are you now? What sound would she make now? Tiger in a goose. What if they made it?

So what happened? You kicked him out. Why exactly? Because, you know, I was the breadwinner. I was the one paying the bills. I was working at a yoga studio in Santa Monica at the time. I was like cleaning. I was cleaning like yoga.

Wait, you want a bunch of bread? Red Band's even harder than it was before. Breadwinner. Okay. Yeah. So how was he contributing? Was he, was he fun in bed at least? You know, I was thinking about his dick earlier today.

Yeah. You know, like, have you ever like, they're like missing a front tooth, but their dick is really good. So like, it's like, it was cocked to the side, but it was long, you know, so it like could get around and like could do the job. Wow.

I'm about to vomit right now. Whatever. He's hard right now. Yeah. Once you said man with missing a tooth, that heart is a rock. I'm into that wacky shit. That's why I moved to Texas.

Did you say, did you drive here or did you fly out? I drove here. Wow. Wow. What a superhero. What kind of car do you have? I have a 2013 Hyundai Elantra and it died in El Paso. Oh no.

That's the worst. Anywhere but El Paso. I stopped off at a red lobster on my way here. Oh yeah. Yeah. In El Paso. It hurts me to say this. Red Lobster experience in my life.

Who would have guessed that a red lobster in El Paso wouldn't be the. They don't have that fresh seafood at the El Paso. We ended up filling up on the Cheddar Biscuits. Oh, that's cool. It was the only thing that came out. Yeah. I stopped at El Paso also.

It was like you go back in time like 40 years, like all the signs, like the Arby sign and like the big like cowboy hat still and stuff like that. Yeah. It was like a saloon. Yeah. It's like a saloon red lobster. Wow.

It's really hard. Did you get it fixed there or? Because of Jesus. Like everywhere. Jesus. Jesus. There are these 24 hour tow guys that just happen to be at the pilot that we were, we're stuck at.

And they were able to get. It was the starter. So they like taped. This was like as ghetto as it gets, but they taped the starter together and then it just, we had to keep it running. We even had to fuel it up running the whole way here. Yeah.

Jesus. Wow. My goodness. So you're stuck here now. You're not, you're not going back probably. I'm between here and Oklahoma. So I'm like doing the road between Texas and Oklahoma. Okay.

As long as I need to. Between Texas and Oklahoma, you're bound to find another guy missing teeth. Exactly. Incredible stuff. So I find it in, you know, amazing. You know, that we've always talked about the incredible bucket and how it writes its own storylines.

But out of all the people that signed up, you got pulled first tonight. And we've known you on this show. You've become literally a once a month regular for those of you that haven't been keeping up to the non-live audience episodes, which I completely don't blame you for. But you've been doing psychic readings famously on the show. Is there, do you have anything prepared for tonight

that you might be able to do? Well, I have my, I brought cards just in case, but I was going to do spirit totem power animals for 2021 today. I don't know what that means, but go right ahead. Do whatever you want. Okay. Hi, everybody on here. So I was going to say, you know, everybody out there

has like a spirit totem animal. And I was actually at like a yoga center this weekend. And I was like meditating about tonight. And they said I was going to come up and talk to you about how you're the golden pony. Okay. But really just to tell you, you're a very bad pony. This is getting weirder and weirder.

Why am I a bad pony? This is disturbing. This is your life. This is your lifelong task is to figure out how to be a better pony. Christy, I'm starting to figure out why you got guys with missing teeth walking out on you. Everybody has a totem that they, they use to help them get through some shit.

You know, so my question for you guys is, what is your animal spirit totem to you? And I'll tell you what your animal spirit totem is. I don't really get it. You go ahead, red band. Gay. I have no idea what she's talking about. Yeah.

We're confused, Christy. We're not, we're not that smart. Yeah. We just made friends with Joe Rogan and the rest took off. Right. All right. Okay. Well, what animal represents your spirit?

What represents your heart? Why did you call yourself the golden pony? I didn't call myself, my friend, my friends gave me that nickname and unfortunately it stuck. I didn't really like it when it started. But you kept it because you didn't like it. Didn't really wasn't, the nicknames aren't really anybody's choice. You know what I mean?

Like I don't really like the golden pony. Red band doesn't like it when I call them the human bread stick. You know what I mean? Like, you don't really get to choose these things. You know what I mean? Do you have a nickname and anyone ever give you a nickname? The fire wolf. The fire wolf.

Yeah. Damn. It's a lot better than icy pig. I'll tell you that. But okay. That didn't, not really. Okay. Everyone's got to just kidding.

Is it because of my tummy? No. No. No. No. Not at all. Christy. No.

I was talking about, you know, just a little bit nasally. I like ice cream. Okay. All right. All right. I think you and William can go hang out and, uh, all right. I mean, if you told me I was coming on stage, I would have brought my cards. I would have been ready, you know.

This is the actual show, though, you know, you got, you became popular on the show during a downtime in which you were pre-selected. But this is it. Now people don't know, but I'll tell you this. You've been on so many episodes lately. We're just going to keep speeding through it. This was great. I think, I think you were fun.

Thank you. In fact, that's one of the best performances by a female comedian I've ever seen in my life. Christy Bellach everybody. There she goes. Let's get back to this bucket. All right. Here we go.

Hey, how about a big hand for Zach Bogus up here? Everybody's six feet away from one another. We're all socially distanced. He's switching in brand new. We're not even sanitizing the mics. We're switching out the microphone between each one of these monsters here tonight. So, Zach Bogus. All right.

This looks like a brand new name. It's been a long time since I said that. Make some noise for your next comedian, Greg Larson, everyone. Greg Larson is next on Kill Tony in front of a live audience. God, I love this music. There he comes. Here comes Greg Larson. Come on.

One more time for Greg Larson, everybody. There's a new COVID vaccine for puppies. The main side effect is autism. The animals get the vaccine. Do they develop Taco Bell's palsy? The virus mutated right when we got a vaccine. That's messed up. That's like finally getting the balls to break up with your abusive girlfriend.

And she says, you can't leave me. I'm pregnant. I'm like screw a vaccine. Get me to the closest staircase. This is Moderna. You know why they call those assault rifles AR-15s? Because that's how old you have to be to kill your math teacher with one of them. I'm Greg Larson.

Thank you very much. Wow. Look at that. Signing out at 58 seconds, Greg Larson. Welcome to the show. This is exciting. This is like William Montgomery if he took vitamins. Welcome to the show, Greg.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over a year. Just over a year. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Almost all of it here. Yes, sir. You born and raised here? No.

Grew up in Elk River, Minnesota. Elk River, Minnesota. Elk River? Elk. Elk River. Oh, that's a lot tougher. Elk is better. Elk River.

Do you like jalapenos with your elk? Nothing. Have you ever tried holding the microphone with one hand? No. If I hold it with one hand, I shake like crazy. Wow. All right. Greg, what do you do for work?

I'm an author. Really? What have you written? My last book was a memoir about college. My forthcoming book in April is a memoir about two years I spent as a clubhouse attendant for a minor league baseball team. Wow. Look at that.

From money ball to funny ball. Look at you. Very interesting. You like that, don't you? I love it. I'm in the writers' guild. Are you? I'm a motherfucking writer.

You aren't. Nice. Okay. Wow. That's cool. But you make money writing books? Yes. I'm right now living off of money I used to make as a ghost writer.

Saved up there, and now I'm trying to make it until my book comes out in April. Wow. What kind of ghosts were you writing for? A lot of CEO types. So stupid. Wow. All right. You haven't been on this show before, have you?

Yeah, I got pulled in San Antonio last January. The reason why I ask is because I remember this, ghost writing for CEOs. I remember it very clearly. Did the tonight's set go better? I think tonight's set was better, yes. I think it did too. I think the autism joke, the little kitty joke was adorable at the beginning. I think a lot of people had a problem with your Mexicans eat at Taco Bell joke.

I don't know if you've ever been out of your house, but they don't really do that so much. Have you ever seen a Mexican at a Taco Bell? Never. They don't even work at Taco Bell. That's like a disgrace to the family name. And you know, they'll do any fucking job. So I mean, it's really crazy that, all right. So how long have you lived here in Austin?

About three years. And you moved straight from Minnesota? No, I've been all over the place. I was in Montana, Virginia, Florida. Some advice you can give me, and Tony, we just moved here. Have you guys been to Barton Springs yet? Yeah, yeah. Actually, I went there today.

They have a car wash. It's called Barton Springs car wash. Great car wash. That's the only reason I know I was in Barton Springs. Yeah. Barton Springs, the pool is the spot in Austin. Is that like that super long free pool that you can go to? It's free right now.

It'll be free, but then it'll cost money once spring comes. You're right about this. Oh, you did? Yeah, it's really cool. You're thinking about going swimming in the super long pool? This is like blackfish, too. No. It looked really cool, though.

It's long, but is it wide? You know what I'm saying? So you go swimming in this public pool? Yeah, I go there. Do people ever, like, dunk you and splash you? You seem like you'd be easily bullied. No. All right.

Well, if I see you there, I'm going to. Jump right on top. You pull one of your teeth out. You know what I mean? It's not what you might like it. Whoa. Jesus. All right.

You have a girlfriend? Are you into guys? Is that what we're finding out right now? Oh my God. I could be, but no. I guess technically I'm like an incel right now. Oh, wow. Wow.

Greg doesn't even know he's gay, everybody. This is exciting. We're going to be the first people to tell someone live on a show that you're gay. Cool. Have you ever messed around with a guy? Like when you're a kid, did you kiss your friends penis or anything like that? I think it's thinking about it. Probably the gayest thing I've ever done is I was watching a movie with my friends in

the basement and neither of us, we didn't want to change out the movie. So we're like, okay, whoever can jack off and come first has to change the movie. Oh my God. That's not real. It's real, dude. Are you serious? Yeah. Ask my buddy Wade and Danny.

This part was you catching the come in your mouth as it was coming out of them. Who won the competition? Do you remember? Nobody won the competition. You probably, you probably were 20 seconds later. He's like, oh, a bunch of dudes are jerking off. Yeah. Oh God.

How old were you? 16, 17. Jesus. Wow. Jesus. That is gay, dude. That's you are 100% gay. That's four years away from 22.

Wow. Do you, do you and your friends talk about this now? Hell no, they don't talk about it now. Yeah. I just always, when the VHS is over, I just go right up and put in a new one. Never hesitated once in my life. Yeah. Why would that even come up?

So wait, let me ask you this. Cause you said nobody won, like nobody finished. Right. So how long until you guys? Four hours. It's getting hot in there. Gonna take off our clothes. Jesus.

My arm is throbbing. Hey, I'll do you if you do me. Totally not gay. My goodness, Greg. All right. What's the second gayest thing you've done? Well, I want to aid a dude's ass out. But it was only because the DVD was over.

So it's not gay at all. The second gayest is probably hidden on you just now. Wow. What's the, what's the, what's the biggest accomplishment you've ever had in like biggest accomplishment you've ever had with the ladies? I once proposed to a girlfriend of three and a half years and she said no. Wow. Was it a special proposal like where you had a restaurant or a Thanksgiving or

something big? I made a scavenger. Wait, let me, let me guess the VHS was over and okay, go ahead. I made a scavenger hunt that brought her around town and I wrote like rhyming clues. And the final clue. I, the final clue brought her into my parlor at my house and there was a video camera. You got told no at the end of a fucking scavenger hunt.

Yes. The worst part is I thought I was safe to take a sip of water right then for sure. You almost got me dude. How long did the scavenger hunt? What if it was like two weeks? No, no. What lasted longer though scavenger hunt or the jerk off session before? About the same amount of time.

Wow. The worst part is, is I video taped it because I thought she might say yes. So I still have the video. You have that? I have the video of her. Will you send me a copy of that? I'll send it to you. We got to put that right.

Yeah. We're going to, we're going to post it on the, we'll post it on the Kiltoni Instagram. It's pretty sad. Oh no. It sounds awesome. How many of you would love to watch the sad video? Okay.

Nicole just texted me. It's four o'clock Tuesday, April 29th and she said that she's on her way from school and I'm doing it. I'm going to ask her to propose to me. And I got to say, I'm glad that this is something which I could prepare beforehand because I would be too nervous to do something spontaneous. So I have a scavenger hunt set up going, bringing her around town. Not just up to the parking in my car, but so she's going to go on this scavenger hunt.

I'm going to follow with and just try to act calm, cool and collected. And she's going to come in here and the last clue is going to have her turn on the lights and there's a, in Lily's, her favorite rose. It says, marry me. It smells pretty good in here and it's got all these lights and stuff. And it looks like, it doesn't look great, but it's really pretty good, all things considered. So I'm going to set up the camera here and we're going to see how it goes. So this could be a video which nobody sees or this could be a video which everybody sees.

Either way, well, one way is good, the other way is bad. So we'll see. Nicole, are you going on an adventure with me? Will you spend the rest of your life with me, Nicole? No, Lily's. So it's now Wednesday, April 30th, I think. And it's the day after I proposed. And Nicole, she, as you saw in the video, she took a while, we embraced and she didn't really have an answer there.

So what she wound up doing is she took the list of 1,225 things that I loved about her. And she took the ring and she took a picture of the flowers that said marry me on the floor. And she went over to her mom's place by herself to mull things over. You're going to read that whole thing? Yeah. There's a lot of different things in there. Just see them out. It's like 35 pages.

I mean, sometimes these things just write themselves. Wow, do you still talk to her? No, we have not talked since then. Did you guys break up immediately after that or did you kind of like fizzle out after that? I was moving and this is like my last ditch effort, like baby, come with me. And so we lived together for like two weeks after she said no. Wow. And then it was awkward.

Yeah. Hey, I'm just going to go to the bathroom. Totally not going to be sad or anything. Are you ever going to do that again? Proposed to somebody? Yeah. I hope so. Oh, God.

Wow, look at that. Oh, look at the lonely women in the audience. I'll go on a scavenger hunt. My God. Did you keep the ring? I was so poor I borrowed the ring from her mom who just got divorced. She just gave it back to her. My God.

What a loser. You borrow the ring from her mom. No wonder she said no. She probably recognized the ring. Probably smelled like her dad. Yeah. All right, Greg. Well, this has been a fun interview.

It's fun to have a new, even though you've been on the show once in San Antonio, it's fun to have a stranger on. He brought us back to talking to someone we don't know that much about in front of a live audience. So thank you so much. Greg Larson, everybody. There he goes. He's on Twitter at the Greg Larson.

Christy Belich is Christy Belich. Yeah. There's Zach Bogus. Zach, if you want to move that stool back a few feet and maybe towards the keyboard. So could you give him my email address? It's Zach Bogus up here. He sends that sent that video in. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it says it here all the way from Sunbury, Ohio.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Trevor Williams. Trevor Williams. Sunbury. I know Sunbury. Yeah. I know Sunbury, too. My aunt and uncle live there. Oh, wow.

Here he comes. You can almost hear his heart beating from here. The anticipation of knowing your name has been called. Here he is. Trevor Williams, everybody. Hello. A little bit about me. When I was six years old, I walked in on my parents having sex for the first time.

Like my first time catching them and I walk in and my dad just, he's on top of my mom and he looks over and he's like, can't you knock? And from that point on, I learned, no, knock before you walk in. By far the most memorable Easter of my life. And years later, my dad walked in on me masturbating as a teen. And he was like, what the fuck, dude? I knocked and I was like, I know, I heard you. But I was close.

Here's a towel. I came on my dad. I didn't. The towel is for the cum. I don't have distance like that. I'm joking. A little bit extra about me. Arnold Schwarzenegger is like one of my favorite actors ever.

I think total recall is criminally underrated. My only gripe with the guy is that in all of his movies, no one ever brings up the goddamn accent. Not once, like in any of his films. I don't want to say that he has to be like central to the plotline, but can't someone at some point be like, hey man, where are you from? I could just use one scene in The Terminator where they're like building the robot. Whoa, whoa, Jesus, there it is. I almost forgot the bear was there all the way from 6th Street.

They love you, Trevor. Look at that. Either that or they're clapping for the bear. I don't know. Welcome to the show. Look at you. Yes. Talk about magician energies.

You're the guy. Sunbury, Ohio, huh? Yes. You drive here? I did not live here now. Oh, you moved here? I drove here originally though, like 20 hours straight. Okay.

Shot. Hell yeah. Square up to the audience a little bit so they can see you there. It's good. It's good. Trevor, you have a good look to you. You're Han Solo's son, right? I am Kylo Ren.

There you go. You get that a lot? Those Keanu vibes as well, yes. What ethnicity are you? That was my next. I was going to say I usually get Asian if someone's African American or Hispanic. It's true. You look like an Asian woman with a mustache, which is very rare.

I grow the mustache for less womanly vibes, but I guess it kind of- I know what that's like. Trust me. I know what that's like. So how long have you lived in Austin? About three years now. Everybody's lived here for three years. It appears as though there was another bum rush of people before.

Perhaps another big podcast or moved here three years ago. So, Trevor, what have you been doing? What do you do for a living? I just got a job with the state at the start of last year. Great benefits. It's incredible. The state of what? Depression?

That's sending me there. No, the great state of Texas. What do you do for the state of Texas? I help put together courses for attorneys. Oh, wow. You're that guy? Yeah, I'm that guy. That they put in charge of that?

The books and stuff. I do an okay job. Okay. Hell yeah. Why Austin? What made you come out here? Because I know some very pretty well. My aunt and my uncle live there, grew up there a lot.

Nothing out there. There's an outlet mall now, so that's kind of slanderous. A lot of cows, a lot of farms. Yes, a lot of cows and farms. But I moved here to do comedy actually before it was like cool too. So you've been doing that for a few years now? Yeah, I actually was at the Dallas show last year. You were on the show?

Yes. Wow. It hasn't been on the show before this episode. That's incredible. Let me ask you this, because you have a real look to you. You know this. You have any special skills or talents that we would find interesting? I don't play instruments.

Last time we asked that. I brought up that I could dunk. And you had me do a jumping contest. Really? Yes. I got beat, but I didn't get a rebuttal, so that wasn't fair. Who outjumped you? Jeremiah?

No. Joel? A guy at the end of the show. Big tall. Yeah. Yeah. This is good. Wow.

Other adjectives. You were really scarred from this experience. You didn't even remember it. Yeah. You want to try jumping again? Have you improved your? I don't have any other fucking talents. I can do the worm.

I don't want to do the worm either. Why do I? This is just embarrassing. I don't know. How many of you want to see this guy do the worm, huh? No better time than during a global pandemic than to have a guy roll around on the floor. Fair enough. I'll give the people what they want.

Here he is. Can we get a little worm music from my friend here? Here he is doing the saddest worm you've ever seen. Wow. This is the dumbest show of all time. Incredible. Incredible. Incredible.

That was a pretty good worm, though. John? I thought you said worm music. I was like, give me some war drums. Yeah, I was wondering. I was like, that's interesting worm music. Oh, my God. By the way, your Arnold Schwarzenegger joke.

I love that. That's a good point. That's a great point. That's why I was trying to get to the level. Okay. What's the ending to the Arnold joke? So the guy in charge of communications, he's putting Arnold together and he's like, hey, guys, you know what would be awesome if we gave this guy a Nazi accent.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. About some big sexy muscles too. What? I don't know. Whoa, an audible boo for the first time tonight. That's incredible. You really built up the excitement of that punchline. I did.

It appears as though you never finished writing the joke. Brookie mistake. I love it. What would we be surprised to find out about you? Something we haven't covered on your other appearance here. How are you with the ladies? You seem like a ladies. I always assume people that look like the top half of a centaur do good with...

It works. Do good with the ladies. Adam Driver is super in right now. You're what? Adam Driver is super in right now. Right. Looking like people like that. You're like Adam Driver, except you're more like Uber Driver.

I was. Last time we did this, actually, that was my profession. Oh, wow. So full circle. Indeed. But how about now? So people are into Adam Driver. So what's happening with you?

I've actually been in a relationship for like most of the time I've been here, but... What does she do? She works for Favor. What's that? It's like Uber Eats, but Austin and Texas specifically. Wow. You can get more shit though. Red Band is hard again.

Red Band's hard as a rock. Wow. Incredible. Well, Trevor, this has been a fun interview. I guess I'm trying to figure out if there's anything that I'm missing here. I just don't know. You have any special sexual moves in the bedroom on your girlfriend? I pride myself on not using my fingers when I go down.

I think that's kind of like tacky. When you go down on your girlfriend? Yeah. What do you mean not use your fingers? Like... What do you do with your hands? Just keep them to the side like you're crucified or something like that? How do you get in there?

Do you just blow real hard, real fast? It depends what my position is, but I mean... You know what I mean? I mean, like hands can do other stuff. You think that's how it works? I mean, if you got to spread it apart, like what do you do? Just blow real hard into it until it opens up and then push your face? Is she ever impressed?

Is she ever like, I can't believe you can do that with no hands like that? I guess I should... I could be more specific like... Oh, you don't do the fingering part. The fingering, yeah. That's not that crazy. It's not that crazy. You just asked me for a unique skill.

The first thing that came to mind... Is there anything else? I mean, is there anything else that comes to your mind? Is there anything that... Are you interested? What's the noise that you make when you have an orgasm? Okay, I'm done, Tony. What?

Okay, I'm done, Tony. Oh, you son of a bitch. I knew it. You son of a bitch. Who says that? All right. Well, Trevor, fun to have you on. Congratulations.

Trevor Williams, everybody. There he goes. All right. My work is done here. Here we go. It's that part of the show where, if one's available, I'm going to bring up another regular. How about that, huh, guys? All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy famously, a great roaster, unbelievable comedian. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. Come on. David Lucas, everyone. Yeah. Yeah, what's up, y'all?

I had COVID like a month ago. I lost my smelling taste. I actually got my taste back eating pussy. I knew I got my taste back when I started tasting pennies. That's how you know you eat pussy when it tastes like spare change. But I actually lost my smelling taste during the worst week possible. I lost that shit during Thanksgiving. As a fat guy, I damn near had a heart attack.

I was like, nigga, give me the pneumonia. I lost my smelling taste for Thanksgiving. I finally got to experience my first white Thanksgiving. I couldn't taste the fucking thing. I was like, okay. This is what it tastes like in the suburbs on turkey day. All right. Thank y'all.

Thank y'all. There he is. David Lucas. Welcome back. He lost his smell and his taste and gained 80 pounds. Spent his lockdown locked in the refrigerator. Hey, Tony, I actually heard you was laying naked at the bottom of a chimney waiting for Santa to come down.

Okay. Why would I do that? You know why you were doing it. Why would I lay naked waiting for Santa Claus? You were trying to give him a candy cane. My God. Jesus. David Lucas, everyone.

Everything really is bigger in Texas. Look at that. It's incredible. Yeah. You got COVID right before we just recorded our last four episodes. So like it just, you just disappeared off the show for like two months. It looked like I wasn't on that motherfucker. Yeah.

Hell yeah. So what's been going on, David? How are you? Shit. Trying to meet some women out here. Yeah. How's that going? It sucks, bro.

Tinder is a bitch out here, bro. Is it? Why? I paid $30 for the extra swipes and everything. You did? You pay extra money? Yeah. Unlimited swipes to tell you what a bitch like you like.

Cause like, I don't know how to meet white women in Austin. Like they, they, they kind of liberal, but they also like voted for Trump and shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So it's like, I, I would like, you know, LA, you know how to approach a white girl. Like, hey, you want to go to Whole Foods and get a smoothie? But. So you're here at Antones.

This is the, this is the home of the blues. Hell yeah. Our, our buddy owns this, right? Yep. Yeah. Damn right. My boy keys on the keys. Yeah.

This band is fired though. God damn. David got excited when he found out it was the home of the blues until he found out it wasn't the cheese. Hey, look at that. Ebony and Ivory. Tony just wants to be the first gay mayor of Austin. Oh, come on.

I'm pretty sure the mayor of Austin that they have right now is gay. Yeah. Yeah. You see that? I keep up on my local politics. Yes. Tony fly back to LA every Thursday to get his ass bleached. Why would I do that?

Why would I do that when I can easily get my ass bleached here? Right. You look like Hootie ate a blowfish. Oh, shit. We back on this. We got a live audience. God damn. I did this shit in like nine months, bro.

God damn. I miss roasting this cuckold. Yeah. Wow. It's good to have you back since you've been letting cats poop on your head. It's like someone dumped a fucking litter box on you before you came on stage. Hey, Tony only played T-Ball so he could do the ass pads at the end of a game. Why would I even play T-Ball in 30 years?

Good game. Good game. Tony still do that shit at the grocery store. Like good game. Good game. Oh, my God. So you've actually made changes to your diet recently, right? Yeah.

My trainer's here where he at. My boy Cain over here. My trainer's here, dawg. You know what I'm saying? He gonna get me in the shape so Tony can't say no more fat jokes. That's right. Looks like your trainer has a lot of work to do. He's not gonna put you on his resume for a while.

We gonna... Rebin, are you serious? This motherfucker used brisket oil as cologne. That's right. Tony, you gonna need a hypnotherapist to get you out of being gay. Why would I? Why would I need a hypnotherapist? He gonna wave a rubber vagina in your face and tell you to fall asleep.

Oh, my God. You're gonna need a broken hypnotherapist carrying around all that weight. I love you. You tried to wear a black shirt to blend in with the background and everything. Oh, no. I'm not that big. It's just the curtain, everybody. Tony's skinny ass look like a microphone stand.

Motherfucker started walking up to you to do their minute. Son of a bitch. Tell these people about the dietary changes that you've made. Shit. That nigga cut out carbs. I'm sad as a motherfucker. All my favorite shit got carbs in it. Yes, it does.

But now you're like eating chicken, right? Yeah, I eat meat now. Yeah, I eat meat now. How could I be in Texas and not eat meat? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I ate beef for the first time the other day in four years. Yeah, when they told David that Kenny Rogers has performed here, he started sweating.

Stomach started growling. They called Tony at the barbecue restaurant smuggling sausages in his ass. The jalapeno kind. Why the fuck would you say that about me? They were like, sir, you don't need it to go box? He was like, no, I got it. And you're saying what? I put it in my butt?

Yeah, you just sat on it. God damn it. How'd you know that I did that? That's fun, David. So what else in Texas? What else excites you about being here? Shit, I'm about to try to wrestle the longhorn. Yeah?

I want to wrestle the longhorn, dog. Y'all know I like wrestling. Has anyone walked up to you and tried to tip you when you're standing outside? Why? Because you look like a cow. And pour you out. Has anyone tried to milk you? I beat somebody's ass, bruh.

Fuck that. I do jokes, but I can fight. Nah, I'm going to go fishing this week. So if anybody got an extra pole, I'm trying to do some bass fishing or whatever, bite right now. Wow. Yeah, and if anyone has an extra pole, I want to shove it in my booty hole. Right.

Well, to catch what you want, we need a different kind of bait. Tony got a shit-scented air freshener in his car. What the fuck? Termine you in your bedroom. What? Why would he say these things about me? I give you an opportunity to be a star. All I do is lift you up, and that's not easy to do.

This motherfucker. What else, David? What have you eaten today? Let's go through a day in the life of a... Shit, earlier I had a bone-in beef rib. Me and William shared that motherfucker. Wow, bone-in. My goodness.

Sounds amazing. I almost put that bitch back when I saw the price. I was like, God. How much was it? $30 for a piece of meat. Wow, look at that. That's how much you spend on extra swipes. That's a swipes worth of beef.

So shit, I had a bone-in rib, a beef sausage, some smoked turkey. What about lunch? That was lunch. It wasn't even smoked turkey until he rolled it in papers and read it. Yeah, and then had some barbecue upstairs. Have you tried any exotic foods since being here? I fucked with an ostrich burger or something like that, or some elk. Yeah?

Yeah. Have you done it since being here? I had ostrich before. Ostrich? Ostrich. Ostrich. Come on, man. I got a...

I was raising the suburbs, but I'm only... Red ban. Right. Oh, my God. I can't say some words, dawg. Oschwitz. If I didn't grow up saying that shit, I can't really say it like that. Who the fuck eats Oschwitz?

Ostrich. How have you said ostrich? Wow. What did that taste like? Gamey. Yeah? Yeah. Muscular.

It was lean as hell. Damn. Big, flightless bird. Wow. Yeah. What part of the ostrich did you eat? Probably the ass. Jesus Christ.

Now, have you tried out a water burger yet? That's a big thing here. No, I did a peteris. Wow. Peteris. Place goes crazy. Yeah. Peteris is good as a mug.

Is it good? That shit better than In-N-Out. Yeah. How about... Anything's better than In-N-Out. How about Terry Blacks? Have you tried Terry Blacks? That's what we ate at the day.

Yeah? Yeah. Right. It was hella Asians. I didn't know if I wanted to eat them. I was like, what these motherfuckers know about barbecue? Oh, Asians know about barbecue. No, they know.

Have you ever had Korean fried chicken? That's not a barbecue. It is when you put barbecue sauce on it. Oh, there you go. Look at this. This is like... Red man put barbecue sauce on a mattress and called it. This is barbecue.

Oh, my God. What else, David? What else has been happening? Another solid set. Shit. It's great to see you in front of an audience again. Hell yeah, bro. We kept the show going during the pandemic

to maybe keep some people sane, keep ourselves sane, whoever wanted it, whoever... Something for people that hate us, love to hate to enjoy. Yeah, it just made us crazy. Yeah. You know?

And... Oh, yeah. It definitely... You're a real stand-up comedian. It affected, without a doubt, your timing and beats not having an audience and doing things over video and with no audience in the room.

And here you are right back. Yeah, man. It's been 10 minutes. The crowd's been enjoying themselves. Thank God, thank God. You're right back at it. Yeah. But...

Thank God, thank God. So, for everybody who follow us, we're recording another Brothers in Curse this week, Austin Edition. So, y'all have had that. What else? The Patreon. Jesus, what are you doing?

Just plugging shit? Yeah, you said what I've been doing. I got my new YouTube show called The Fat Pessimists. Oh, okay. So, it's basically me being pessimistic about all type of things. And fat, don't forget about fat. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

You just mentioned Jesus Christ, sir. I bet you won't fight me. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Exactly, shut the fuck up. It's the same guy that hates Jeremiah. Yeah, but I beat his ass. Who would guess? A lot of angry energy.

Did you sign up, sir, that keeps yelling things? Yeah, I hope you don't get up, bitch. Oh, I hope he does. I fucked with you, bro. All right. Oh, man. I hate it when white guys say things sort of black to, like, connect.

He wanted to say, I fucked with you, man. I appreciate you, bro. All right. There you go. That's all it takes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, David, you did it again.

Absolute fun stuff. How about a hand for David Lucas, everybody? Come on. Here's Zach Bogus. Let's get back to this bucket, shall we? All right. All right. I'm positive it's this person's first time on the show.

I would remember this name if I saw it before. Put your hands together for Nakia Marrero. Marrero. Nakia Nassia or Nakia Marrero. Do we have a female? Is this a female? I do believe so. Yeah.

Here she comes, everybody. She's going to go that way. Here it is, our first lady of the night. Nakia Marrero. Make some noise for Nakia, everybody. Second lady of the night. All right. Well, my name is Nassia, but that was a good start.

The first white guy saying my name right. Usually I just call him Eagle Digger, so that was pretty good. Every time as my time already started, fuck. All right. So I was actually raised in a very straight household, all right? Back in Portugal, my dad used to beat my ass up. Imagine Mike Tyson fighting Sofia Vergara, okay? That's how it was.

Yeah. My mom would just stand in the back like a coach stands outside a boxing ring. She would just go like this. Don't get her face. Do more body work. Don't get her face. I see some of you guys look concerned. Guys, it's all right.

I'm not very smart, but I can take a punch, all right? My mom used to call me shitty little piggy. Literally translated from Portuguese. Podkinha merda. Yeah. She used to go like this. Who's your shitty little piggy? Who's your shitty little piggy?

And I would go, me, mommy, I am your shitty little piggy. No wonder I always dated abusive men. Don't tell me shit like you're a fucking bitch. And I would go, oh, he's going to propose to me soon. There it is. Nassia, everybody. Put your hands together for Nassia. Here she is.

We're going to talk with you now, Nassia. All right. Welcome to the show. Thank you. I was ready to run away, but good thing you told me that. Wow. You're really from Portugal? Yes, sir.

I am. How long have you lived here in Austin, Texas? Since March. What made you move here? My husband. He's working here. Oh, wow. Husband, huh?

All right. For Nassia, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, everybody. I'm kidding. What does your husband do? He works for the government. He works for the government? Guys, how do you think I got a green card?

Oh, yeah. Face the audience. Take a step back so the audience can see you so that you can square up to them. No, take the microphone with you. Hold the microphone. Take the microphone with you. I know you're used to just using your looks for everything, but you're going to have to communicate.

That's what's up. That's what's up. You're going to have to communicate. What are you married for? I've been married since I'm 21. Since you're 21? Yeah. Are you 21 now?

27. Wow. So six years was the answer to the question. I've been working hard for that green card. That's incredible. You know. And you've only lived, where was your husband at? Portugal with you?

No, we met in Norway, actually. Wow. Look at that. You found out he lives in America and you fell in love. I was like, fuck. I got to work on that. Hell yeah. He was the only American in Norway, you know?

And he's from Arkansas. So look at my look. Wow. Look at that. Incredible. What does he do for the government? I cannot tell. Wow.

Sorry. My goodness. Very cool. That's some interesting stuff. What do you do? What department store do you spray perfume on people at? Macy's. Dude, I'm leaving.

Look at me. I'm leaving that Orange County life. You know what I mean? What is it? What do you do for work? I don't do shit. Really? I mean, I do comedy.

I'm trying my best, you know? Yeah. How long have you been trying? I've been trying, actually. I started when I was 21 in Norway and then I had a break for three years. This is the first time in three years. Wow. Congratulations.

Welcome back. Thank you. Does your husband tell you that you're funny? He has to. Yeah, he has to. Right. You guys still like sexually active or what do you do? No, it's been a few years.

Is that true? Yeah, that's what happens when you get married, dude. That's what happens. Wait, but hold on a second. You haven't had sex in years? Are you joking? Is this one of those wacky Portuguese jokes? Next question.

Next question. Next question. Wow. Well, that's fun. So when's the last time you did have a job? In Portugal, would you do like pick apples or something? No, I was a flight attendant. I was a flight attendant.

You were a flight attendant? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. What airline? I know it wasn't Virgin. Definitely not. What airline did you work for? Etihad.

Etihad isn't the Middle East in Abu Dhabi. Oh, okay. I know that one. I'm sure you do. Absolutely. They had a major air disaster, the Etihad air disaster. It's a five-star airline, but yeah, sure. Yeah, absolutely.

There's a lot of five-star things. The fucking red lobster in El Paso said five stars, too. Sure. Interesting. Anything crazy ever happened to you when you were an airline attendant? A lot of crazy shit happened to me. Yeah, like what? Like, once we thought we had a terrorist on board.

Wow. But then he just ended up calling me Brazilian and I'm Portuguese, so that's quite a terrorist act. You hate Brazilians. Portuguese people hate Brazilians. No, no, we don't. I mean, we speak the same language, but we're like, you know, the other side of the world, so it doesn't really make sense, you know what I mean?

Sort of. I don't really pay attention to what languages speak, because I'm an American, the greatest country in the world. You know, we just sit around talking, waiting for the best people from the other countries to move here. Yeah. If they have a chance to. From the other shit countries, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. So that's fun. You have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of young lady that's into a... Yeah, I'm taking your girlfriend for a glass of wine. What?

I heard she's feeling quite alone here in Texas. So we had a few friends in common, and we were talking about taking her for a glass of wine. Wait, what? Wait, what? I'm so confused. Say that again. You don't have a girlfriend?

Yeah, I do. Go ahead. Okay. She's not feeling alone here in Texas? No. No? Why would she feel alone? Because she's with you.

Oh, it was a roast joke. Jesus. Sorry. This is not my style. The setup was longer than a flight from Portugal. My God. Jesus, Nassia. Have you ever thought about working with puppets, perhaps, or Jesus, fucking Christ?

Oh, my God. All right. I was like, what do I have to edit here? I'm going to take your girlfriend for a glass of wine because she's alone. She's been... What? That is a racist accent. We have mutual friends.

Yeah, that's a racist accent, dude. That sounds like a Mexican guy. That's not a racist accent. What's your least favorite race? I don't have one. You don't have one? Be careful because there's some blacks around you. I don't have one.

Okay. What's your favorite race? White people. Anybody who gets me a fucking green card. How do you not have a green card yet? What's happening? No, I do. I do have one.

Oh, okay. It's been 10 years, dude. If I didn't have a green card in 10 years, it would be very sad. Very interesting. How long do you have to wait until you can divorce the guy and keep your green card? That's a good question. That's a good question that I would like to know anybody. Interesting.

How about special skills or talents? Anything. You have a champion of something. You trained at something. When you were younger, you have a trophy for anything. You ever win anything, a competition. Yeah, I'm very good at tricking white guys into marrying my ass. Okay.

Let's skip one of these. Let's just tell the truth here. Do you have any special skills or talents? Can you perhaps do the worm or something like that? No, I don't have anything. I mean, I can cook. I'll make you a meal. Really?

What can you cook? Anything. I used to be a chef. How are you at cleaning? Well, I'm Latina, so I guess good. I guess good. Red band. She's great at cleaning.

Are you kidding me? It's a Portuguese housewife. You clearly need some help. I see that. I'll take a shower first. Oh, she talked to some mutual friend. I love it. Well, Nastya, so this is your return to doing stand-up in three years, right?

Yeah, yes. You took three years off. You did it for what? Three years before that? Yes, sir. Awesome. You think you're going to do it again? Yeah, of course.

Oh, perfect. Well, I'll tell you this. This is one of the funniest performances by a female comedian I've ever seen in my life. What's your only fans? Oh, come on. Red band. I'm sorry. Red band.

You guys want to all do it together? One, two, three. Red band. What did I do this time? All right. Nastya Marero, everybody. There she goes. Nastya.

She's at Nastya underscore Marero. Wow. I hear your girlfriend very alone. Man, that kind of freaked me out for a second. I did too. I was like, uh-oh. Like, what is happening here? Maybe she knows something I don't.

I hate Brazilian women. They have the best butt. All right. You guys having fun out there? Anything can happen. These people, they drive. They come from all around. Who knows?

Make some noise for Chris Buchanan, everybody. You're your next comedian here. Live from Anton's nightclub. Almost said comedy club. There he comes. Here comes Chris Buchanan. Nice long strides. Working his way to the stage.

Here he is. Chris Buchanan, everybody. Come on. Make some noise for Chris. Hello, everybody. What's up? I'm 21 years old. I was homeschooled.

And I'm a single dad. Like, probably. I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. I'm single though. My ex-girlfriend posted on her story about nine months ago after the breakup.

A picture of a trash can. And she titled it hashtag my ex. Hurtful, you know. But the problem is then she kept on sleeping with me after the breakup. And I feel like at that point I'm no longer trash. You know, I'm compost. That's one step up.

Yeah. She threw me in the yard in the back pit. Also, opening up the hole once every two or three weeks to stir shit up again. You know? Yeah. You know what? My favorite part about that is that by her calling me trash

and sleeping with me, quasi calling herself a calm dumpster. Yeah. And I like that word because it still feels like I'm sinning when I say it. You know? Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. There he is. Chris Buchanan. Yes, sir. Chris, I got here early today. I got here at, I think it was like 5.30. I was here earlier than that. Yeah.

And you noticed it too? He was the first one here, yeah. You were the first person outside. Amen. It's incredible. Holy shit, you're missing a tooth. Yes, sir. Wow, this is the guy.

My man. We found the guy. I like your fucking style, Chris. Thank you. 21, huh? Is that one of your baby teeth? Tie it to a balloon. I love it.

You know what the best part of that is, is that the whole time he's probably like, man, I hope they don't notice my tooth's missing. I'm just like, oh my God. Oh shit. I love it. No, is that a style thing? Is that in right now?

Pick the best season to go toothless ever. Yeah, what happened there? Well, pulled it out six months ago. Why'd you pull it out yourself? You're not supposed to do that with adult teeth. Yeah. Well, you know, Tony, I put some floss around the door. And, uh, you know what I mean?

I was bored one day. Oh shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, the gold one just hasn't grown back in yet. So I don't know what's happening. Incredible. 21 years old missing a tooth.

Wait, why'd you pull it out, though? Ah, you know. Ah. That's not a thing. Style. Yeah. Homeschooled jackass. Oh, okay.

You're a funny guy. I knocked over right away. Wow. Incredible. So you're not really going to tell us what happened to the tooth, huh? No, it's just like never. We have a better chance of finding out one of Nassia's special skills

or talents. I'll just tell you, I'll never go down on a woman who only does Kegel at the gym. Wow. Look at that. Well. Yeah. My goodness.

Let me ask you this. When you go down on girls, do you ever use your hands? I just, I just write through the tooth with them. Wow. Yeah. That might actually work. I could see how that might actually work. So you're 21 years old.

Yes, sir. From Texas? I lived all over. How? How did you live all over? Well, my dad's a pilot and that's why I was always like going around, getting fired and getting new jobs and shit. Look at that.

Yeah. How long have you been here? About five years. Oh, okay. Five years. Yeah. My goodness. So you moved a lot when you were a kid.

Five years all here in Austin, Texas? Yeah. Logovista and now I live like 10 minutes north of here. What, Flugerville? No. It's called Jollyville. Oh, I thought Flugerville because of the old, you know what I mean? What?

That's Georgetown. That's Georgetown. Yeah. You better not be talking shit about Flugerville. Uh-oh. Someone's representing his new hood over here. Every time I've gone to the Flugerville skate park, somebody has offered me hard drugs. Really?

Every time, yeah. You go to skate parks a lot? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Rollerblades? Yeah. Wow. That's my brother.

So you're 21 years old. What are you into? You like twitching or anything like that? Yeah. What are the kids doing nowadays? We're old men now. Yeah, dude, just skate parks, open mics. That's kind of a thing, you know?

Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. 100%, bro. That's just like my fucking lifestyle, dude. So are you going to get your tooth fixed or? Eventually, yeah. Eventually. I mean, that's some major.

You have to realize how compelling this is to us. We're from Los Angeles where not having a tooth is like having sexual allegations against you. Like you don't go out, your career stops. Yeah. You know. But not you. You're just that first guy to show up just first in line.

What's up? Nice chance. I've waited a long time to do an impression of a guy missing a tooth. So what do you think? What's the move here? Do you know, do you have a dentist? Yeah. Yeah, I do.

It's just, I have to, I actually did get surgery on it because it was like, there was like a thing in my sinuses and I just basically I have to wait another like several months. Oh, you've been partying a little bit too much. What'd you do? Damn. Now that's a drip. Yeah. Yeah.

What'd you do? How'd you, how'd you mess up your nasal passages? Oh, it was just because like the tooth, like it actually broke skateboarding. Right. Like a long time ago and then I broke it again, skateboarding. Well, look at that. I'd be bragging about that if I was a skateboarder. Instead, it took us 10 minutes to get it out of you.

Jesus Christ. Amen. So why do you, you have to wait now or is this just? He's got to get an implant. Yeah. Yeah, one of those screw right in. It's the worst. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. What else about you? What else would we be interested to know? Fun fact about Chris Buchanan. Well, you did my show at Shakespeare's on this past. Oh, that was your show? Yeah.

Oh, I had no idea. That's so cool. Oh, I did meet you there. Yeah. I could swear you had all your teeth then. I'm pretty sure I had my mask on. Oh, that's what it was. Wow.

He has a mask. That's why. He has a mask. Think about it. It has a smiling face with all the teeth. Right. Amen. That's true.

That's incredible. Oh, God. Hell yeah. No. I mean, that makes sense. I've done, I've swung in through a few places here just trying to test out some doofy local jokes. Yeah. What's a good spot to go to?

I mean, really just anywhere that has a spot. You know what I mean? It's fun. I am, you know, I'm basically a fucking god here in Austin, Texas. So, you know what I mean? I could roll into a music open mic and be like, get off the stage, you losers. And then go up there and do dick jokes. But yeah, so it's fun.

Yeah, I did your show. What else other than your show? I have my private pilots license. Oh, wow. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. That's incredible. How long have you had that for?

About two years now. I haven't been doing it recently. Why is that? You're missing a tooth. That's why. Too loud of a whistle when he's flying. No co-pilot wants to be like your controls. Real shit.

Yeah. All right. Wow. Yeah, Tony's trying to become a pilot right now. You've got a nice couple flights. Son of a bitch. Bowling over. Yeah, it's true.

It's true. Getting a couple flights in. You said your father's a pilot? Yeah. What airline? Southwest. Whoa, Jesus. That's why you don't have a dentist.

No. That's where he gets his comedy from. No, Southwest is great. That's incredible. I love Southwest. Yeah, it's awesome. Oh, yeah. All right.

And this ex of yours, she really did that? She said you're a trash can? Call me trash, yeah. Just like that whole thing we're on Twitter. All men are trash. Have you seen that popular hashtag or whatever? No. I thought it was unique.

Oh. Yeah, no, that's incredible. My goodness. Has anyone ever told you you look like Justin Timberlake if you got hit in the head by a shovel? That's a new one. Some people say I look like knockoff Blake Griffin. Yeah.

I could see that. I could see that. Blake Griffin, if he got an injury that he would take care of in 20 minutes. Yo. He's like, my tooth, what? All right. Okay.

Chris Buchanan, you were the first one here and the bucket of destiny has a wild way of working and you got up tonight. Chris Buchanan, everybody. Chris Buchanan. Let's get back to the bucket again. This is fun. Isn't it fun?

Yeah. I miss this. We just have a ton of pieces of paper in here. We're back. Okay. Oh, yeah. A lot of fun here tonight with the female comedians and there's another one coming at you right now.

Austin, Texas, put your hands together for Brittany Ledesma. Brittany Ledesma. Hey, here she is. She's coming from the audience. From the audience. It is the comedy stylings of Brittany Ledesma. One more time for Brittany, everyone. Oh, thank you all.

I'm half gay. I'm half Mexican, but I do prefer to only be identified as a dumb bitch. That's my favorite gender neutral noun, pronoun. My sister is a cunt. She was born that way. Yeah. But yeah, I'm bisexual, but I don't know if I can say that

that often because I swear I've tasted my own pussy more than other bitches. It's just because I'm better tasting the most, though. Like I'm more like a wild caught salmon while others tend to be like tilapia from the frozen aisle. It's just there and affordable. It's not that great. I had my most mature relationship this year, though.

He worked for IBM, and I have IBS, so I thought it was meant to be. Turns out me shitting myself and him working for a tech company, I'm nothing in common. You can't take a girl anywhere at that point. But he's on to better titties, and I thought, how can I improve my life this year? So I stopped having sex with Republicans. It's nothing against them.

For people who don't believe in global warming or climate change, they sure turn my wop into a dop. Thank you. Brittany Ledesma. Welcome to the show, Brittany. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Almost two years.

Almost two years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yep. This is where you're from? Yeah, I'm from Austin. Born and raised? Born and raised, buddy. Wow.

Look at that. You could tell she's got that Austin like, I'm gonna change my shirt up. I'm gonna just roll it in. Actually, Allie Makovsky's live about how to do this. Oh, really? Yeah. Does she also do the thing where you tuck the shirt in through here

and make it like a bikini? Remember that shit? No, I don't know what you're talking about. No, I'm not white trash. I'm sorry. Wow. What are you? What ethnicity are you?

I'm Mexican. Just straight Mexican? Half Mexican. Oh, that's right. Half gay. Half white, yeah. Half Mexican, half gay. You have a Mexican father and a white mother?

Yes. Right. How did they meet? Blind date. And it worked out very well to stay in an unloving marriage. Wow. How about that? You have a boyfriend?

No, I'm single. Okay. Whoa, there's a very horny man next to the stage right now. I might have one now. Wow. My goodness. So how long have you been single for? Almost two years as well.

Wow. Do you like it like that? Oh, yeah. Stop it, Brian. You know I'm serious when I call you Brian. I like being single to an extent, but then I always get to the point where I'm like, well, I want a relationship, then someone gets too close to me and actually wants something and not terrifies me.

And you said you're bisexual. Yeah. So like during these single years that you've been having, what do you prefer? Like what have you? I feel like it goes in waves. It's like with food. Sometimes I'm in the entrees. Sometimes I'm just a big appetizer girl.

Wow. So like how about your most recent hookup? Was it a boy or a girl? It was a boy. Okay. How did that happen? We're friends, but he had a giant dick and so I keep him around. Wow.

How'd you find out? How'd you find out he had a giant dick? Did the VHS run out? It was just a very, you know, the BS ran out. We both, neither came. Right. How did you find out he had a giant dick? You know, it was one of those things where you just hope for the best.

Wow. Wow. My goodness. He seemed like a good spinner. Red band. Stop it. He's really misbehaving. He has a lot of pent up energies.

He's playing a character. Yeah. He's like the Harvey Weinstein of this show. I love it. So how about you? What do you do for work? I just graduated college, so now I'm just unemployed. What'd you get your degree in?

Psychology. Okay. What do you get? You plan on doing something with that? Literally nothing. Now? No. I wanted to go into psychiatry, but my family's a basket case.

And so I just realized that I don't have the empathy for people. I'm afraid, like, I'll listen to their problems. Well, they'll tell me their problems and I won't listen. And I don't want someone, like, killing themselves because of me, so. Right. Yeah. So what are you going to get into? Like Uber Eats or something?

Pretty much. That's it. He's an oil and gas engineer. And I'm not a fan of oil and gas, but I like that it pays my bills. So. Oh, wow. Red Band works with gas as well. All the time.

Right now. Yep. A little. A little too. Zantac. That's good. It goes right away. Gives me cancer.

All right. So, Brittany, any special skills or talents that you have? Oh, God. Something on the spot. Do you want to do magic or rap or sing or anything? Anything that you could show off to this audience? Oh, God. It's like show and tell.

I mean. When you're bi, do you go to guy porn or girl porn? Good question. I'm not really into porn. I wish I was. What? I need, like, a plot there, you know? I try.

The only porn I've seen was Wizard of Oz XXX. Well, that's probably why you're not into porn. What the fuck is wrong with you? Okay, but those little people, I think that's the correct thing to say. Okay. I saw a woman. The Wizard of Oz XXX. Okay.

She only dig inside of her the size of her torso. They're the people with real skill. What was the Wizard of Oz XXX? Tell us about this. You just really wanted to be actors. You can tell. It was very sad. Well, that's most porn.

But what was like the storyline? Like, what was it? Oh, I have no, I just mainly remember seeing people, like the little people getting plowed. Oh, there was midgets in it? Shit. Bring this up on your iPad, Red Van. Let's get a closer look at the Wizard of Oz XXX. I have to find out exactly...

That's actually a fun fact. That's actually Tom Segura after he broke his knee and arm. Thank you. Thank you very much. That was a special Tony Red Van hybrid. I texted him the other day after I saw the video for the first time. I'm like, we absolutely, positively need this sound effect for the show. Really is Tom Segura.

Get well soon, Tom. You sound like a midget porn. Wow. Is this it? Is this the right? Can you confirm? Can you come back here and look real quick that this is the actual movie that you saw? Is that it? Do you remember that?

What? This was like two years ago, the last time. Yes. How do you forget? Wow. Dorothy doing that. Oh, Jesus. Jesus.

All right. That's enough, Red Van. Wow. The Tin Man's going... Oh my God. Toto's squirting. Okay. All right.

That's not Toto. Toto's a dog. All right. So, Brittany. Wow. I'm really at a loss of words here after watching Dorothy just get a house dropped on her. What made you want to get into stand-up comedy? You said psychology, you felt like someone that you're working with might commit suicide,

but two people killed themselves during your set tonight. I know. So, I'm interested to know why. I'm still killing people. It's a bad habit. What made you want to get into stand-up? Do you have any favorites? Naked Lacer is my favorite.

She's a nice girl. My dream would be to be roasted by her. No offense. You could roast me and I would cry, but it would be great. No, it's okay. You'll listen back to this episode and realize I made fun of you throughout the entire thing. Oh, I got it. You just doesn't feel like it right now.

The adrenaline's kicking in. It's like an actual physical injury. It doesn't hurt until afterwards. I don't know. I like dealing with stuff this way. You live by yourself? You have a roommate? I live by myself.

I hope no one comes to kill me. What's your apartment? I feel like you live in a dirty apartment. No, I live in a really nice one. How many of you think there's a bunch of empty glasses around her bed right now? I get that vibe. John raised his hand over there. He knows, too.

He knows. I'm surprisingly clean, but my bed is now in my living room, which is not ideal. That's great. I like that. I mean, like if you eat in bed and you get messy, you just clean the sheets. Redban actually recently moved his bed into his kitchen. Shorter walk to the fridge. So, all right, Brittany.

Well, nice to meet you. You know what? I'm going to tell you this. I made fun of you a lot, but I will say this. This is one of the funniest performances by a female comedian I've ever seen. How about a big hand for Brittany Ladestma, everybody? How are you guys doing back here? Huh?

Look at this table. They get my butt crack the whole time. This foursome. Fuck yeah. Look at that. How about another hand for Zach Bogus up here? If anyone's catching the coronavirus, it's him. All right, your next comedian on this stage goes by the name of Brian McDuffie.

Brian McDuffie. Here we go. Eventually, here comes Brian McDuffie. That sounds like a family guy. How many of you make some noise if you've already had the coronavirus? Very good. Those of you that don't will be able to make some noise in just two or three weeks. So, it's very exciting.

Wow, look at this guy. It's Brian McDuffie, everybody. What up, y'all? How you doing? My name is Brian McDuffie. All this sexiness. My name is Brian McDuffie. There's only one way to spell Brian with an I.

If you spell it with a Y, that's Ryan with the B. Get it for me, Red Band. Get it. Right? If you put the A before an I, that's brain. Use your brain, you idiot. Come on, baby. Come on.

I know I'm just exuberating all this manliness up here, all this high testosterone. You know? I'm actually a little insecure, you know? I'm not fat. I'm chubby. There's a difference. All right? Fat people don't talk to women.

I go up to women. I'm like, what's up, girl? You got a dad? That's real. I really do that. Don't get mad at me. It works like two out of five times. Don't get mad at your dad.

All right? Killing the game with it, man. I'm just going to let you admire the bod for a minute. I'm looking sexy. How much time I got? No, I'm just playing. You are not playing. We're just going to call it at that.

I couldn't remember the rest of my jokes anyway. You people intimidate me, all right? We all know. We know Brian. We know. Brian McDuffie, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.

Brian, are you okay? No, I'm terrified right now. Why? What's wrong? Because you've got this killer look in your eye. You're small, but I know you're scary. Jesus Christ. What the hell?

What the fuck? What do you judge everybody by their size? Yeah. What kind of person times that? Like 300 years ago, I'd be running a little Viking village, you know? For what? Their food?

Raping and pillaging, you know? You have a good Seth Rogen laugh. Hopefully, it makes me famous. Thank you, Brian. Thank you. This is one of Red Band Seven Impressions. Seth Rogen laugh. Yeah, you are, you're something else.

Thanks, man. You look like, I don't know, someone that got locked in an Italian restaurant their whole life. You know, there's something very like the chingiganti, like, you Italian? No, man. I'm Irish. No, man.

I'm Irish. Black Irish. I got to get the props, you know? Yeah. Yeah, baby. Thank you. What does that mean? My family told me, so I've been running with it.

Right? Thank you. Thank you. Jeez. What the fuck is that lady saying? She rapes the Indian. Okay. Now I'm just white.

I'm done. I'm just white from now on. Brian, shut the fuck up. That's it. What did you say, lady? I'm black Dutch and my uncle told me that's how we got the blacks because they rape the Dutch. Jesus Christ.

They are putting liquor in the drinks here tonight, everybody. Wow. By the way, one of the funniest female comedians of the night. Yeah. 100%. So, Brian, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About two years. About two years.

Yeah. Yeah. My goodness. Yeah. And how long have you been on the Tony Chacone's New Orleans Seasoning bottle? I don't think it's even the right company that I said, but. I feel like an idiot.

I don't even know what that means. If anybody looks it up, it'll be really funny. Yeah. You look like you're sort of like made out of Play-Doh or something like that. You have like a doughy face. What do you like to eat? Italian food.

You guessed it. Really? Yeah. Me and you, baby. You don't gain weight from it. It just goes on to my titties. It's true. You just go straight with that Texas toast, huh?

Texas toast. I love it. Texas toast. Wow. Brian. My God. Now you talked a lot about women, surprisingly, during your set. Yeah.

Are you good with the ladies? I'm good with them, baby. I'm good with them. In what way, Brian? Stop trying to be funny with your body, Brian. It's all I got. I'm trying to reform the Play-Doh. Stand up straight.

Now these are pecs, you know? I'm talking about your face when I talk about Play-Doh. Not your actual torso. Like even red band. I mean, he's massive from the neck down. But his face keeps a little bit of a shape. It looks like it's like the first place it goes. It's very shapely.

You know about this? You know you have a shapely head? You have a weak chin is what he's saying. Well, when I get a beard like that, it'll cover up and it'll be good, you know? That's my goal, man. Once I get those patches filled in, I'm money. God, I hate you so much, Brian. You sure are not a Brian with a Y.

Special skills or talents? How about you, Brian? Any hobbies or special skills? Yeah, man. I pulled a hammy playing woofah ball today. That's one of my favorite hobbies. I'm a basketball player, as you can tell by the great bod. Get the fuck out of here.

Golf? You look like you ate a hammy the other day. What kind of golf do you do? The regular kinds. Really? 18 holes? Yeah, my dad works for Callaway Golf, actually. Wow.

Yeah, we'll become friends. I'll get you the hook up. Yeah, you're one of my favorite people I've ever met. Thank you. We're friends now. We're friends. Go Black Irish. That's also what they call the Notre Dame football team.

OK. Yeah, yeah. They're up our side now. Hell yeah. They're black. You never asked your mom what she meant when she said you're Black Irish? No, my mom just tells me we're white. Be happy about it.

My dad's the one that's like, you're Black Irish. Be proud. What does your dad do for work? He doesn't listen to me. Yeah, he works at Callaway Golf. What do you do for work? Well, I'm trying to help you out. Brian, shut the fuck up.

What do you do for work, Brian? Nothing right now. I'm running that unemployment training. What did you do before? A bartender. Really? Yeah. Wow.

Hey, I need money, dude. I'll suck you dick 100 bucks right now. I swear to you. OK? Look at that. It's not a joke. Look at that. He's willing to suck that.

By the sound of your voice, it sounds like you need it, buddy. I'm all right. All right, all right. All right. Well, Brian, I'm going to cut this one short just because every time I ask you a question, you talk for a long period of time. You've figured out the secret to being dismissed ridiculously early. I'm nervous.

I'm nervous. That's why, Tony. I'm nervous. It's all right. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years. Two years. Well, when you're on in another two years, I'm sure it'll go better.

I don't know. Ladies and gentlemen, Brian McDuffie, everybody. Wow. We're flying through it. We've already had eight people up tonight. We're getting through it. Wow. I am excited for this one.

Oh, wow. Look at that. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Octavius Thunder. Wow. This sounds promising. Let's get Octavius Thunder up here. Here he comes. Octavius Thunder is making his way to the stage I do believe.

Here he comes. This is real. It's really happening. Here he comes. Guys, make some noise for Octavius Thunder, everybody. Hello. That's not my real name. I'm so Jewish that I grew a mullet, so I don't have to pay for haircuts every couple weeks.

I'm so Jewish I'm being given a Christian because the Bible's free. I got a dog. His name's Pablo Escobar. He's a service animal. His service is finding loopholes in federal regulations and exploiting them, and he's really fucking good at it. I don't want to impress girls by telling them he's a rescue, so I beat the shit out of him every night.

I'm just kidding. I used to live in Los Angeles, and when I'd go on walks with them, people would try to start a conversation with me, which I hated, so I'd try to freak him out. They'd be like, oh, is that a boy or a girl? I'd be like, oh, he's transgendered. And since I lived in LA, they'd be like, oh, no way. My cousin's cat is transgendered. And I'm like, god damn, I need to get the fuck out of this city.

And I did, and I'm here, and it's great. I met a girl on an online dating app for abusive relationships. It's called eHarm me. And she's Christian and into bondage, so when we have sex, she likes to nail me to a cross and fuck me. There you go. That's the end of his set. Octavia's Thunder.

It went good. You want to give us your real name, or are you going to stick with Octavia's? Eli Halpern. Eli Halpern. Octavia's Thunder was cool. Eli, I know you, right? Yeah. I used to see you in LA all the time at the comedy store.

Well, welcome. Welcome. You look different. Yeah. I try to change up my look all the time because you know, people are like, how do you look at yourself in the mirror after you do terrible things? I just shave, and I'm like, oh, that wasn't me. That was some other guy.

I like your style. Are you on a drug tonight? You have so much energy. I'm always on something. Adderall? I just have an energy drink, though. Oh, OK. You have a bang?

One of those. OK. I don't remember. It's not worth noting. All right. I guess not. Jesus. All right.

My God. Have you ever been on? Oh, no. I tried to get defensive, man. I just saw an energy drink at the store, and I was like, I'm tired. Wow. From all the drugs I did last night. OK.

All right. Have you been on Kill Tony before? Yeah. I don't remember. What's happened? What's been some highlights of your previous appearances? I did great last time. I told you that you looked like a pedophile who was also the victim of pedophilia.

Yeah. This time, I would like to tell you that you look like a bobblehead doll of yourself. These are all some of my favorite things that I've heard over my entire life, Eli. But you did it. Absolutely. You look like something that Theo Vaughn would shit out of his butthole. There you go. I wasn't even going to make fun of you, but.

I'd rather go in there. In where? In Theo Vaughn's butthole. Oh, are you gay? No, just a big fan. Oh, OK. There you go. It's incredible.

Comedy fans nowadays. They'll do anything. Are you really so Jewish? You are. Eli. Eli's a Jewish name. Jewish enough. Jewish.

That's like my victim card, you know? Because I'm like a tall, in-shape, white guy. Everyone's like, fuck you, you douchebag. I'm like, no, no, no. I'm a Jew. Yeah. They killed my ancestors. Oh, we feel bad for you.

It's 2020. 2021, fucking. Wow. Time flies. This is one energetic guy. This is one energetic Jewish guy, huh? I'd say anxious. OK.

What do you do for work, Eli? How do you survive? You live here in Austin now? Yeah. I was doing Amazon, selling stuff on Amazon, like kitchenware and stuff. And right now I'm working on building a cricket protein bar company. A protein bar made out of actual crickets? Made out of crickets.

Crickets? Yeah. Wow. Well, I heard a lot of them during your set. Who's the bobblehead now, bitch? Now I'm kidding. Unbelievable. Wait, how are you selling shit on Amazon?

Like, that must be hard to do since it's just a website that people go to and buy things. You know, like, how are you selling? You buy stuff and then you resell it? Yeah, I buy stuff from China and then I ship it into the Amazon warehouse. Marketplace. Wow. You really are so Jewish. Well, I was in college and I just would zone out in class and be like, how do I make money

without doing work? So I just got into e-commerce. Right. I've always been a fan of computers. Yeah. DR porn. Yeah. You ever see Wizard of Oz XXX?

No. I did see a pterodactyl porn, though. Anyone here seen that? Google that when you get home. All right. Or don't. There you go. It's showing up.

What happened in the pterodactyl porn? There's two guys dressed like pterodactyls tag teaming this girl. Wow. Geez. All that excitement. Who even needs the girl? Am I right? All right.

Eli, do you have a girlfriend? No. Jesus. My goodness. I have a lot of girls that hate me, though. Why? I'm still trying to figure that out. Come on.

Some hint of a reason, right? I'm such a narcissist. I'm just convinced that I'm just so amazing. Everyone just falls in love with me. Really? But in reality, it's probably just because I'm a selfish piece of shit. Wow. Either you're getting booed or there's a cow in the back of the venue right now.

I've never heard a boo sound more like a moo in my entire life. But we have arrived in Texas. Like, I don't have fuck buddies. I have fuck enemies. Really? But they still like to fuck you even though you have a Jewish penis. Yeah. Well, my dick's so small, it's considered micro dosing.

Wow. Look at that. This one. Just. Just. So how? Rough crowd. How are you going to make these cricket protein bars?

I'm going to take cricket flour, which is just ground up crickets. And everyone's like, ew, gross, bugs. But you're not going to take a bite out of a cow. You've got to prepare it right. It's environmentally friendly. I've had it before, but a kind bar tastes good also. You know, like I could just buy that instead of having a cricket bar. Yeah, but we should be eating bugs because you're going to kill them anyways with agriculture.

Why not fucking use them for something? Wow. How many you want to light Eli on fire right now? Seems like, seems like there's a lot. Well, I hate myself more than any of you ever could. Prove it to us. Tell us how much you hate yourself, Eli. Well, I also hate the world.

I would kill myself, but I don't want to make the world a better place. No. My goodness. Have you gotten the coronavirus yet? I don't get tested. Have you? Have you gotten ridiculously sick for five to eight days? No, I have a great immune system.

Yeah. Just fueled by rage, I think. Really? A Jewish guy with a great immune system? Are we sure about this? I take a lot of supplements. Yeah, like what? What type of supplements do you take?

I heard cocaine. That's one of them. Zyrtec. A lot of Zyrtec. I'm allergic to my own dog. Is that true? Yeah. What's your dog's name?

Pablo Escobar. Oh, that's right. You said that. I fell asleep for 60 seconds. All right, Eli. Well, we learned a lot about you. Welcome back to the show. You were in LA for a long time, right?

Yeah, about four or five years. And how long have you lived here now? Three months. Three months. There it is. What made you want to move here three months ago? I like having a life. Yeah.

I like doing stuff. What do you like to do in Texas? Going to bars, exercising, going to parks. Listen, buddy. It's not even cocaine anymore, by the way. By the way, he's shut down the borders. He's been heckling all night, but it took him heckling you for him to get his first laugh of the night.

He just said the same thing twice. Come up with a new heckle. Eli, fun times. There he goes. Eli Halpern, everybody. What do you think? What do you think? This thing we should go to the bucket one more time, huh?

All right. This is it. A lot of pieces of paper in here, but only one can be pulled. And your final comedian of tonight goes by the name of D.P. Hinsdale. D.P. Hinsdale. D.E. Hinsdale. This should be exciting.

Here comes D.P. I'm glad we went to the bucket again. Absolutely. This shit's about to go motherfucking down. Oh, yes. Thank you, God. Thank you. This is a thing of beauty.

The bucket provides us again with the comedy stylings of J.P. Hinsdale. So I've been reading the Bible a lot because a friend died. And is it just me or is the macular conception like the biggest fucking bluff in history? Seriously, I mean, we're just people just gullible back then. And even if it is true, I mean, does that make Joseph like the first cuck in history? I mean, seriously, it's awful. I mean, nobody wants to be the first. And then, yeah, I mean, eventually Mary and Joseph laid together and they had children, right?

So they had sex. And even if Joseph is doing the best he can and Mary's really getting into it, all of a sudden she starts screaming, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, one fucking night you can't bring him up. Jesus Christ. Why is everybody screaming? Go to bed. Nobody's talking to you. You're not my real father.

And does that make God like a deadbeat dad since he didn't show up till the end? I mean, do I have to feel better about my father because he was a deadbeat dad? I mean, he faked his own death so he raised it to a new level, but still. Yeah, I just have so many problems. There you go. J.P. Hinsdale getting all of his time in. Come on up there, J.P. You can take your mask off.

You can stay a while. You don't have any symptoms, do you? No. Right. I tested negative like two days ago. I love it. Perfect. The only super spreader that you take part in is when you're putting peanut butter and jelly on bread.

If you add the bourbon bacon, it's magic. Say that again. If you add the bourbon bacon, it's magic. Oh, I like your fucking style. For those of you listening, J.P. Hinsdale makes red band look like Tony Hinchcliffe. You are a beautiful shape. Yeah, I was conceived in the booth of a Bob's Big Boy, so this was kind of inevitable. Is that true?

Yes. Red band's obsessed with Bob's Big Boy. Hell yeah. I might be your father. Glendale, California. Oh, Glendale. I doubt it. Yeah, my mom just wanted the tip.

Wow, look at that. She had sex in a big boy and had one. Exactly. My god. She got the big boy sauce. I love your style, man. I feel like you could have talked about almost, how long have you been doing stand up? Three months.

Three months. Let me tell you something. Tonight, not your night, right? Okay, but let me tell you something. Fair enough. You have an extraordinary amount of energy and like a take. I feel like if you would have talked about anything but the Bible, you would have destroyed. Well, ask me anything.

All right, let's fucking get into it. So JP, this is it. This is another episode of Who Are You with JP Hinsdale. So let's find out everything about JP. How long have you lived in Texas? 13 years. 13 years. What's your favorite restaurant in town?

In this town? Sure. I don't really come out here that much. How about other towns? I live in Rome, Texas. My favorite barbecue joint is 407 Barbecue. Wow, 407. Yeah.

That's also what your scale says in the morning. Exactly. Rome, Texas. Yeah, I had a special order. And it's R-H-O-M-E, like our home. They spelled it wrong just to make it special. Wow. That's crazy.

What made you move to Rome? A series of poor life choices. Like what? I tried to help out my sociopathic con artist mom. So she basically stuck me with a mortgage that I didn't want and a bunch of other shit. Got my car repoed. Oh my God.

So? She fucked up your credit. Oh, she's fucked up more than my credit. Yeah? What else has she fucked up? Oh, everything. Is she the one that fed you a lot when you were a little baby? Actually, she's the one that starved me a lot.

So this is why this happened. Oh, look at that. Yeah. I mean, look at that. You were a little boy and now look at you. Now I'm a big boy now. That's it. You really are.

You're one of the, I mean, you're right up there with some of the greats. I mean, you could be Amy Schumer's stunt woman at any given moment. I think I have better kids. That's probably true. Oh, definitely. That's probably true. And your pussy smells better. Oh, absolutely.

I clean thoroughly. I love it. So JP, how do you make money? I'm an industrial mechanic. Industrial mechanic. Are you just, are you a normal mechanic, but you're industrial sized? How does that work? Yeah.

I mean, they got to put me where I fit. Square up to the audience so they can see you, or should I say round up to the audience? JP owning it. This guy's just a boatload of charisma. JP, tell us more about you. Just tell us about you, JP. We really want to know anything.

Really, you could just take it over yourself. I mean, anything you want to know, man. How about hobbies? What are you into? What do you take your mind off of? This. Drugs. What kind of drugs?

Whatever I can get. Oh my goodness. In fact, the person that died, that was my drug dealer's wife. So that was pretty tough. Wow. She was right or die. My goodness. When you say ride, are you talking about a rascal scooter?

No. No, no. I'm the fat one. What type of drugs are you into? You ever snort breadcrumbs? I'm really into the fucking cheddar bay biscuits from Red Lobster. I mean, I can't get enough of that shit. Seriously though, how about drugs for you?

We, you know, normal shit. I'm pretty mellow. All right. That's good. That's good. So how about like love life? What's that like? It's miss, miss, miss, pity hit, miss, miss, sometimes pity hit,

sad hand job in back of car, miss, miss, miss. Wow. Sad hand job in the back of the car. Let's talk about this. Shall we? Oh. Who was more sad? You or her?

Honestly, both of us. I mean, I felt bad for her and she felt bad just being there. Wow. My God. Who does the hand job though? Like why even? That's like the, you know, because that's when you don't want to commit to the blowjob. That's like the least, I mean, you can do.

That's still sexual. JP gave an honest answer there. Yeah. No bones about it. Just straight up. That's what they want to do when they don't want to suck your dick. Exactly. So JP, how long did the hand job last?

I'm interested to know. At one point we just both let it go. It was just like, you know, it was 15 minutes of just like, yeah, this isn't working for both of us. Wow. Really? 15 minutes and then it just ended? Yeah.

I'm on some new medication. It's just not, it's not working out. Oh, okay. You want to, all right. Please. I love it. JP, you give real answers up here. Whatever you want to know, man.

I'm an open book. Hell yeah. So tell us any, any other like special skills or hobbies of yours? Like any, any big dreams that you have other than stand up comedy? I mean, no, I have lots of nightmares, but not many dreams. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry.

I'm not. What kind of nightmares? Do you have a reoccurring one? Oh yeah. Like what? I have a dream where I'm pinned in between two rocks on a pyramid and vultures are just eating me, ripping me to pieces. What the fuck?

Wow. Look at that. As a kid, I've been locked in an aviary like four times. You've been locked in what? An aviary four times by accident. You've been locked in a lot? Well, once was on purpose. What's an aviary?

That's where they keep birds so they can fly around free. You've been locked in a bird cage? Well, not a cage. Like an aviary is like a big, they got trees and shit so they can kind of fly around. How do you keep getting locked in aviaries? Uh, well, once at the LA Zoo and it took two hours for my mom to realize I wasn't with her anymore. Wow.

Once she was drinking with her friend who happened to have an aviary in their house and she thought it was funny that it was a terrified bird. So she just shoved me in there while they got drunk. The third time my grandfather told me that no pussy grandson of his was going to be afraid of birds. So he held the door shut and kept me in there. There was a fourth time, but I can't remember it, but I'm sure. You know what?

Three out of four ain't bad. You remember being locked in an aviary more than anyone else I know. That's for sure. Wow. My goodness. Gracious. What were you doing looking for chicken and turkey? That's odd.

No. That is very odd. Or Auschwitz perhaps? Whoa. That's a real turduck into the joke. I love it. I love it. How far away is Rome, Texas from here?

Oh, fucking far man. Almost going up to Oklahoma near Texas Motor Speedway. You drove here for this? Oh yeah. Two comic friends of mine told me I should come down and give this a shot. Wow. I love that. And they signed up too?

Yes, sir. Wow. And you're the one that got on. Yeah, they're really pissed about that. I bet. I mean, they've been really putting in their time like seven years. I mean, they're real fucking killers. And I'm just the guy they drag around for stuff.

Were you in the backseat or did you ride shotgun or bazooka? What do they call it? Bazooka? They had to put me in the trunk. No, it's okay. So your mom conned you. You ever think about getting revenge on her? I mean, she's too good.

It's like, I don't know, she's kind of like a bond villain. Every time she's nice to me, I know something's up. I'm already in the trap. So it's kind of like, it's best to avoid her and just throw the minimal amount of money at her as you can to keep her distance. Wow. JP, I'm going to tell you what. Like I said, I think you have so much charisma and I think you have great timing.

Again, like when you were talking about being locked in aviaries, I didn't even know what an aviary was 10 minutes ago. But I mean, I think you should really, really continue to do this. And I think Destiny has put you in position to. And I'll tell you what, if next time, why don't you come back in like a month or so, write another minute, come back in a month and I'll give you a guaranteed spot. How about that? I really appreciate it.

Thank you. Thank you very much. JP Himsdale, everyone. There you go. There's a fist bump. Take one of those. Just a motherfucker. Be careful, JP.

All right. Now that's normally where the show would end, but you guys want one more special treat, huh? I don't know. I don't think they really want it. That wasn't really very loud. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you all the way from Los Angeles, California with a brand new minute.

One of the most powerful figures in the history of Kiltoni, legend, originally from Brooklyn, became a comedy god of improv in Chicago, Illinois. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one and only Michael Larrer. In the flesh, absolutely incredible. The final comedian of the night, one of the most powerful regulars in the show's history. This is unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. The crowd is going wild. Michael Larrer rolling up.

It's about to go down right here. Ladies and gentlemen, come on, guys. Keep making noise for Michael Larrer. This guy's a fucking star, people. Oh, shit. I really am. One question for you. I'm not a fan of the show.

I'm not a fan of the show. I'm not a fan of the show. I'm not a fan of the show. I'm not a fan of the show. One question for you. Where do the high school girls hang out? Follow them. Who's having me shower tonight?

Yeah, I was in the meeting with you. I got my corona vaccine in the back of an Uber. He had those little vaccine bottles mixed up with the British got synth and peppermints. I'm like, what, a year's five stars? And he was a doctor in Mexico. But why isn't needle like recent straw? And why isn't it my peel? And it tickles when he blows into him.

Fuck barbecue. I can live with dying. I cannot live with being fat. Fuck Western food. I think my whole life only consuming open spices prepared for me by gentlemen. Michael Lair ladies and gentlemen. Joke, joke, joke, joke. Yeah, cowboy um, cowboy um.

When me is more like cowboy dog, cowboy dog, someone call me.