KILL TONY - #488

Episode Date: January 15, 2021

Jon Keyz, Michael Hale, Michael A. Gonzales, Jimmy Blazer, Janice Min, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/18/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—ROMAN ED – Anyone who’s dealt with erectile dysfunction knows how awkward it can be to talk about inperson. Luckily, there’s a simple, convenient solution to get the treatment you need, withoutleaving the couch.Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. Again, that's DeathSquad.tv. And if you want to buy a Death Squad shirt or a Kill Tony shirt, you got to go to our merchandise website, and that's ShopSquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Ryan J. Ebel, he's our house artist. He draws every episode. Check out his website at ryanjebel.com. And last but not least, Tony has his own website, TonyHinchCliff.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony, including tour dates and merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, y'all, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Antones in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's TonyHinchCliff. Fuck yeah. Hello, everyone. Make some noise. We're here, Austin, Texas, at a real live show. I promise you. This is a real live audience. Brian Red Band's here. Hey, everybody. And how about a big hand for the new Austin Kill Tony band, huh? Sean Deese, Michael Gonzalez, Michael Hale, Jimmy Blazer, all here. Oh, yeah. Red Band, it feels like Shades of Home. This feels like normal now. It almost feels normal. Yeah. It's our second week here at Antones. Red Band and I are now residents of Austin, Texas,

real Texans. In fact, I've been hiding my new accent the whole time. This is actually how I talk to them. Oh, damn. I just go on down to Bucky's to make some returns. You know what I mean? What a burger. It's a lot of fun to be here. We've been having fun eating indoors. I just did stand up all weekend in San Antonio, Texas, five fucking super spreader sell out events. And you know, I already had the Rona. I was able to avoid it for eight months in Los Angeles, eight or nine months. After one week in Texas, I just fucking absorbed that shit. You know what, I just started testing positive. God damn it. Three days later, clean as a whistle. Yeah. Gotta be careful, though, people. These temperature checks are bullshit. I never had a fever the whole

time. Really? Just to soar back. Yeah. Did you lose your taste or any of that? I lost smell for like a day. Really? Yeah, it was weird. It was like day three or four to right before I got better. Lost a sense of smell. Started eating everybody's ass that I know. It's great. Started going for how many people in the audience have had Corona already? See, that's a lot of people. They don't have a lot of energy. They have a lot of symptoms. But you know, that's a thing that a lot of people don't get. They're like, you shouldn't be doing live shows. People could have it. I'm like, we're in Texas. We already had it, motherfucker. The people that aren't sure they had it are the same people that think they had it back in January or February.

I was sick for a few days. Must have been the debilitating coronavirus. But no, we're all having fun here. Texas is a whole different goddamn world because it's actually a thing. It's actually alive here. It's so much fun. How about one more time? The band is here, everybody. John Dees, Michael Gonzales, Jimmy Blazer, Michael Hale. They're here. A real live band. And the great Ryan J. E. Belt is with us via satellite all the way. You guys can't see him, but we can. He's already drawing tonight's episode as he does with every single episode of Kill Tony. He draws everyone and all those prints are available. Ryanjebel.com. He's going to draw tonight's episode as it happens behind us. Plus, there's the new Kill Tony, the coloring book that Ryan J. made. That just went

for sale starting last week, actually starting right now, technically. And also some limited edition Kill Tony t-shirts there. How about a big hand so that he can feel it, Texas? Texas' own Ryan J. E. Belt is there. Again, we can see him, but you can't. But what you can't see right here with us behind us here is actually a local artist, Chris Rogers, who's drawn many murals and great things, including that piece of work right there on that wall. Local legend, Chris Rogers is right there. Follow him at Chris Rogers Art. Of course, Ryan J. E. Belt, Ryan J. E. Belt and Ryanjebel.com. But Chris Rogers is here, everybody. This guy's a lot of the murals you've seen in town. Perhaps he vandalized some of the sides of your own houses. Who knows? All right,

got real quiet on that one. People do not like vandalization jokes. Chris, you don't do that, do you? You could tell he's a real artist. Look at the purple tuft I would call that. Oh, yeah. He's like a little Josh Martin. Yeah, he does. He really does. He's got Josh Martin energies, those thick rimmed glasses. He's ready. You don't know whether he's going to I don't know what. So Chris Rogers is here for the first time ever. We ate today. Thanks to best barbecue show. Our friend, Yoni is out there. There he is fucking Wario over here. Yes, Yoni. He's best barbecue show on everything. We ate brisket today from CM Smokehouse, a brand new barbecue joint here in Austin, Texas. Fun stuff. I'm ready to start tonight's show. But before we

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Tony to get $15 off your first order of ED treatment, a free online visit and free two-day shipping. That's getroman.com slash Tony for $15 off your first order of ED treatment. Get hard, have fun, getroman.com slash Tony. Hey y'all, it's that time of the year when divisions are decided, champions are crowned and legends are born. It's time for the NFL playoffs. You've waited and watched all year as your team rose to the top or fell to the bottom, but now it's your turn to win big. You've heard the name just about everywhere, my bookie. They're the industry's leading online sports book and casino and it's not hard to understand why with thousands of lines to bed on all your favorite sports. NFL, NBA, college ball, check, check, check. MMA and soccer,

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the show or what, huh? Austin, this is it. It's about to start. I have a bucket filled with people and comedians names that signed up before the show. We're going to be alternating sanitized microphones throughout the night and let's have some fun. If I pull your name out of the bucket, I think you guys know how it works. You get 60 seconds behind that microphone. I'm going to interrupt it right there. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or I'll sure going to bring out the angry. Wait, what is it again, Yoni? Oh, there's a lot of gay neighborhoods in Austin, Texas, huh? The Westport. All right, the angry Westport bear.

I had weeks to figure out what the, that's proof that I'm not gay, right? There it is. There's the final evidence. I don't know. I still don't know what the gay part of Austin is. Maybe it's just my neighborhood. Wherever I am. Thank you, sir. Is that the same guy from last week? Right. That's the annoying table over there. That's right. You guys ready to start the fucking show? This is it. Anything can happen. We went months without a live audience. So we're so excited to be here with you. We have a table of a Hasidic Jewish men here in the front. That's rare in Austin, Texas. That's interesting. All right. Your first person pulled out of the bucket goes by the name of Edward Jones. Let's see what happens here. Edward Jones. Here comes Edward. Edward,

the stairs are over there. Edward Jones. Here he is. One more time. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Edward Jones. All right. Hallelujah. I'm Edward Jones. The guy who's trying to be jack of all trades. I'm kind of nervous in front of a lot of people. I'm like that scroll. I'm like that guy that scroll off Madagascar and just trying to find his way, you know, that new movie about that little dinosaur that was always looking for somebody to help him. And I guess I'll tell you some jokes. Well, what do you call two guys that never do their homework but always looking, looking on someone else's paper and they're always passing? Guys that get by a special ed. I know it doesn't look like a lot of people in this crowd

who've been to special ed. But I have, I'm not the real Edward Jones. I wish the real Edward Jones investor was my dad, you know. I heard he's smart, but I want to get something off my chest. I was riding with, I was riding with this guy. I was trying to go to school, but I guess he wanted to go to school with me. All right. All right, Edward. Pushing it to the limit. Keep that microphone. Keep that microphone. I have 943 questions. I really have no jokes. It's all good, Edward. How'd you sign up for tonight's show? What happened? I just tried to come out, comb my hair the best I could, comb these naps and I like it. Absolutely. I was going to say that. I got a poem. I got a poem. Oh, is that, did you just think of it right now? I'm coming up in the world, fast money,

fast cars, still having dreams of being like behind bars with nowhere to go and nothing to do. It's like, this is my favorite thing that's ever happened in the history of this show. So like a chimney, I'm letting out my jokes. How long is the poem? Is the poem still going on? The poem's like 50 hours long. Edward, do you know what this show is? Do you know what you just did? You know where you're at right now? I'm in Austin, Texas. I'm the only black guy here. So I'm kind of nervous. Wow. How dare you? I thought I would be the first person to deeply offend the band tonight and you stole that from me. He's more like brown. He's brown. He's not purple. Oh my goodness. By the way, your mask. Hold on. Hold on. Wait a second. John D is,

what do you think about this? Hi. John D's ladies and gentlemen. What's up, bro? You marked the thing Caucasian, right? You marked the thing Caucasian. Oh, I got three brothers. Hold on. Bullethead. Edward, Edward over here. Edward, Edward, Edward, let's switch your energies back over here. There's too many people over there for you right now. I notice you got something red on the front of your mask. Is that a maxi pad that you're using as a max? Oh, she's a red band already. What is it? I want to say one thing. I better not be on TV. I'm on TV. Yes, you are on TV. What's happening? What are you avoiding? Why don't you want to be on TV? No, get back in the microphone, Edward. Get back in the microphone.

What's going on? Cops shooting. I made you look. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, before we get into that, I'm going to give you a chance to do that. Edward, what did you say? What did you say, John? I got a little thing. Edward, wait, wait, before you do a thing, hold on, hold on, Edward, Edward, before you do a thing, I have some questions for you. How long have you lived in Austin, Texas? All my life, I lived outside of Austin cities, outside Austin cities. Okay. What have you been doing most of your life? How old are you? Actually, I'm 33. I'm a late bloomer. What do you mean you're a late bloomer? I'm trying to sharpen my IQ. Okay. I did notice that you did a joke about special ed. Did you go to special ed? One time

when I had to play football, I had to pass my classes. They had a football team at the special ed school? I was the only one. I always got picked on. That's at least a good thing. You don't know it. You don't ever know if they get CTE or anything. They made me skip school a lot because content mastery, I didn't like asking for questions. I love it. What was your favorite subject in school? English. She told me that my grades would be my paycheck and it turns out she was right. Miss O'Neill. Hi. How are you doing, Miss O'Neill? I still have a crush on you a little bit. Damn. English teachers hate kill Tony, so she's never going to see that. My favorite book was Hatchet. Hatchet? Yeah. Is that about Malcolm? No, I don't know what the hell that's. All right.

What do you do? What do you do for work, Edward? Sometimes I get laid by gay prostitutes. Okay. Wow. At least I'm bad. At least I'm bad. I'm trying to come out. I'm trying to come out at the closet because it's not right to hold everything in. So if this messes up my rap career, no one wants to sign me. I could get someone to sign me and mess up my rap career. Wow. I mean, I just have so much I want to ask and say at once. This is incredible, Edward. I'm so compelled by your story. So you get, you can make money by doing what? My stripping for gays. You, you strip for gay guys and they give you money. Right. How long have you been doing that for? Man, I don't want to talk about it, sister. What's your, what's your going? It has a long story to

do about church and chicken. It's the most honest answer I've gotten on here in years. What's your going? It has a long story to do about church and chicken just because I'm black, don't like, don't What's your going rate? Like how much do you charge? It's a good question. How much for the jacket to make one cheek move at a time? Yeah. That might be expensive. Yeah, I do. I do backflip squats. So you can do backflips and squats. I can make a cheek move like wow. How much do they charge for that? Well, they can't touch. They can't touch, right? How much to touch though? I want to get in there. Yeah.

Okay. We're just kidding, Edward. We're not going to pay you to strip here tonight. What's the most money you've ever made stripping for, uh, for gay men? Probably about $100 and $200 in an hour. $100 an hour. Oh, that's great. That's good money. That's stripper money. Yeah. That's great, Edward. I love it. I probably want to do it again. I'm trying to change my life. You have any, you have any? I always say that though. In what ways? What ways are you trying to change your life? Uh, just trying to stick up for people, break up fights and stuff like that. I just recently got my jaw fractured in four different places. I could have died. Oh, no. You were breaking up a fight? Uh,

actually I was sleeping. Someone hit me. Really? Someone hit you with what? I don't know what they hit me with, but damn, that sucks. I'm still trying to box. Box? Yeah. How often do you do that? Uh, when I'm not around my stepdad. Oh, I know about that. It was always that pesky stepdad that stopped me from becoming a pro boxer. When's the last time you boxed? A couple of days ago, I got into a little education, a little boxing game. I had to use my overhand sidestep. Okay. Did you have gloves on? No, just fist to fist. Wow. Yeah. That's wild, man. If someone thought I stole something. Heck yeah. What did they thought, what did they think that you stole?

Some headphones. Did you steal the headphones? No. Come on. You could tell us here. No one will ever find out. I didn't steal the headphones. Do you have any headphones? Yeah, I have headphones. But he's not getting them. What kind of headphones did they thought that you stole? Some cheap headphones that goes to a, uh, a cell phone, I guess. Hell yeah. So I'm having a good time looking up Milf Hunter. Milf Hunter is one of my favorite things to look up. You have a good style. You seem much more comfortable on stage now than you did eight minutes ago. Right. Uh, you ever do stand up comedy before? No, but I go to Milf Hunter twice a day to keep the doctor away. Wait, what? I go to Milf Hunter twice a day to keep the doctor away.

I got a Milk Bone twice a day that'll keep the doctor away. Milf Hunter. Milk Bone? Milf Hunter. Milf Hunter. Jill. Jill Hunter. Fuck yeah. That mask is way up in the game tonight. All right, Edward. Well, uh, I mean, what, what, what, what, I think you're the newest regular here on, I think there's only one thing to do. No, I'm kidding. Uh, Edward, it was so nice to meet you. Uh, thank you so much. I like to smash Edward Jones, everybody. That way over there. There he goes, everyone. Proof that absolutely anything can happen here on Kilton. You might want to spray that extra down. Oh yeah. We have, we found this poor immigrant girl to help us out here tonight. It is pretty wild. This is, this is what our budget is nowadays.

We figured if Apple uses, if Apple and Nike use those types of people, we should too. Yeah, she's used to it. Her ancestors did it for years. Wow. All right. You guys ready to see another name get pulled out of this bucket? Huh? We'll see if anyone can match the incredible comedic abilities of Edward Jones. How about one more time for Edward, everybody? Huh? All right. Oh no, there goes Edward. He just got arrested. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of John Rice. Here we go. It's John Rice. Live Kiltoning. Live audience.

Austin, Texas. Here comes John Rice, everybody. One more time for John. Thank you. So first things first, I am gay. You know, we can't tell, I'm not coming out, settle down mom, but you know, we can't tell us I do some shit like this or let you know first. The reason being is because of the way I identify, which is incog homo. And I'm flying under your gaydar and that's gonna come in handy. If I ever want to go to Mississippi or somewhere, I fucking can. Yeah. They roll up just, er, where's the faggots? I'm just like, I don't know. Let's go get them. Of course, that ruse falls apart as soon as they see me get into my Prius or use the word ruse. If you can't tell by the fact I own a Prius and

this hat, I am an Uber driver and sometimes I'll get dude bros in my car and you guys know what I'm talking about. Hey, dude. Sup, bro. Smells like Axe Body Spray, probably named Chad. He'll get in my car and be like, Hey, man, what are you about me and my girlfriend last night? No. He never stops and it's always something gross like, Oh, but she's a squirter. Oh, if you like that, just be gay. We're all that. Thanks a lot. Fuck yeah. There it is. John writes. Welcome to the show, John. Thank you. Welcome to also contributing to making this the gayest start of any episode of kill Tony of all time. I think I think I have the same question on everybody's mind. Have you ever bought a dance from a guy named Edward Jones before?

I think I almost did. He was asking for change out front before the show. So Oh shit. There you go. That's the type of this is this is the vibe of the show. It goes to show how comedy store this show is at its heart that a completely homeless guy signed up somehow got in past the COVID checks or whatever they're doing here. Am I on TV? My guess is a COVID test could be the only test he could pass right now. Oh, I knew I go the whole time being nice to the guy and then afterwards I just light them up. How about that bum from earlier? Huh? No, I'm kidding. We can laugh about there can't possibly be another homeless man in the room. We can laugh about them now. All right. Anyway, we're here with

John Rice. How's it going, John? Has anyone ever told you you look like David Tell with AIDS? Because if not, I think Dave told me that once. Let me ask you this. Is Edward Jones your type? What type of guy are you into? How does that work over there? So it's weird because I am a bottom. So that's why I'm surprised. Yeah. Oh, she likes the dick too. She gets it. I love that you thought that we were surprised that you're a bottom. It's like you guys are going to be shocked to find this one out. I take dicks in my butt. We knew. Oh, we knew. Why did you settle for a bottom? It seems like tops the way to go. Yeah, sounds like. Yeah, just one stuff shoved up your ass doesn't mean our new friend, John here. All right. What was your answer to that?

You don't have a choice in it, right? So my type is I am a bottom, but I do like a more feminine top. Oh, yeah. Not like like shit and rainbows and sneeze and glitter, but just, you know, definitely like, hi, you know, just a little touch of that. Yeah. All right. You have a boyfriend now? No, no, I just moved here from Seattle right before Christmas. Okay. Okay. How was Seattle? It's shitty. Yeah. For comedy, it's hard up there. How long have you been on stand up? About four and a half, five years. Okay. Four and a half, five years all there. And how long have you been here? Since just before Christmas. Oh, wow. So you're fresh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. My first show was at the Shakespeare. And I think Tony did a drop in on that one.

Yeah. I was at the Shakespeare indeed. But it's fun. It's fun getting to pop in on shows. If I'm in the mood to do stand up when the sun goes down, it's like, I could just go do something. The complete opposite of California. Where were you born and raised? Born in West by God, Virginia, but raised in Alaska. Wow. My goodness. Born in Virginia. So was your first gay experience with a male goat? A cousin, actually. Your cousin. Was he on top? He was. It really was your cousin? No. Oh, okay. I was going to say, I was making a joke about all Virginians fuck goats. And then I remembered they also fuck their cousins from West Virginia. West Virginia. So you're from regular Virginia. No, no, West Virginia. Irregular. Morgantown.

Point pleasant. It's where the moth man's from. If you ever seen the moth man prophecies. Okay. What are your parents? Do your parents know that you're gay? Actually, they found out through watching one of my sets on YouTube. Really? Yeah. So you were able to keep it a secret for how many years? Well, I came out when I was like 34, I think. But I didn't like, I didn't know I was gay. I didn't like really, all right, you know, dig is way better than, you know, pussy until I was like, maybe 25, 26. Really? So what happened before 25, 26? I just had a lot of testosterone and I was fucking whatever moved. Oh, I see. Yeah. Okay. He gets it. Does he? I don't think he does. I don't think that, I don't think that's,

I don't think that's the look of getting it. Yeah. All of our jobs were dropped at the same time. Do you ever have that much testosterone red band? Red band's one of the horniest guys I know. I've never seen him just tackle a dude before though. Yeah. So you had so much push like, were you fucking both guys and girls? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Women are easy. Were you like when you were fucking girls, were you like pretending that their vagina was a butthole? Like were you picturing gay stuff when you were with women? I was thinking about it. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like, like the butt doesn't do it. It's the dick that does it for me. It's the dick. John's shocked over there. I never get a chance to ask questions

like this. And I'm interested to know what it's like. Aren't you guys a little bit curious of what it's like fucking a girl while you're actually gay? Yeah. Were you like, this pussy's gross. I need dick. Yeah. Right. It was weird. Really? You didn't like the feeling of a nice juicy pussy? You wanted like a tight, stinky butthole? Like what? Wait. Well, well, first off, absolutely. Secondly, they're not always stinky. You get enough lube in there, drowns it out. Yeah. Not everybody has your butthole right now. That's all I know, Tony. It's all I know. It's the only one this ends. I have a touch. All right. So what else about you? You have any special skills or talents? You seem like it's some guy that juggles something. I was a hitchhiking

dildo juggler. I can't. I can't. I can juggle pizza bags. I used to deliver pizza for like a decade. So big old pizza bags I can actually, yeah. Pizza bag. It's yeah. It's a stupid thing, but I can do it. Wow. Does anybody have three pizza bags out there? That was so good, John. That was incredible. Pizza bags. Other than that, I was a hitchhiking hippie for two and a half years. I drove a tour bus for a band for a year, been to 48 out of 50 states. You got to be careful with those hitchhiking. I heard a lot of those guys are gay guys that just want to blow you. Was it a well-known band? Which band? Was it Counting Crows or something? Some kids I grew up with. I was like, I got a CDL. If you guys get a band, I'll come and

drive the tour bus, kind of like a Forrest Gump, Lieutenant Dan thing. And they got a bus. So I was like, I'll come drive the fucking thing. So that was it? Yeah. You drove a band around? Yeah. But they're not worth mentioning the band they never went on to. Oh, anything else? An excess population and no control spelled K-N-O-W because they were camp. It sounds like these bands are also bottoms, you know what I mean? Of the charts. Wow. Anything else crazy we should know about you, John Rice, before we let you go? Nothing too crazy, you know. Just, you know, gay ex hippie. That's it, huh? What's the gayest, hippiest thing you've ever done? Like, what's a perfect night in the life of John Rice? Well, I once hooked up with a guy in San Diego and we

went down to Ocean Beach and there's a place where there's like a bunch of flat rock and it's right on the beach and there's little holes and secrets of dug down into it. Some come back up. So we put pot in one end, got a magnifying glass and used the sun to smoke the weed through the earth and then we went and fucked. So, wow. I'm so glad I asked. That is by, that is without a doubt, the gayest, hippiest thing I've ever heard of in my life. Smoked weed with a magnifying glass and then a little bit of butt fuck right on the top. Butt stuff, it's good. Ladies and gentlemen, John Rice, everybody. He's on Instagram at John Rice comedy, all one word. Spoiler alert. Edward Jones. Edward Jones does not have a social media. For those of you looking to follow Edward Jones,

my advice would be between sixth and fifth street. Perhaps on Brazos or San Jacinto. Maybe Congress. Are those the gay neighborhoods? No, it's, uh, it's the only streets that I know. Rainy street. I'm like Brody, Brody's old bitch. Saticoy. Hoot oh. Brody used to, uh, just name streets in Los Angeles, Brody Stevens and it was somehow the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life. By the way, a shout out to the late. Great. We lost a real comedy store legend this weekend. Jeff Scott house piano player for 30 years. Yeah. Good guy, man. Everyone loved him. A real legend. I mean, this guy played up all the greats. Richard Pryor, Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody is crazy. Pulled

another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Ivan Garcia. Ivan Garcia. Ryan J. He belt hard at work in Los Angeles, California. I'm watching him right now. His head is down. Here, let me look at the audience for a while. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ivan Garcia. Woohoo. Bienvenidos, señores y señores a nuestro noche de comida presentado por Chris White Strips. Oh, come on, guys. Learn to speak Spanish or go back to your own country. What's going on? Let's start off with some good news. Okay. My drug dealer got a promotion at work. Yeah. He's a sex trafficker now. I know, right? Came in to buy an eighth of weed, came out with an eighth of a human. Nothing but nightmares. Okay. Oh, man, guys. Good news. They found out what

causes autism. Yeah. It's just feeding your kid crustless sandwiches. Yeah. Take it up with HEB, guys. I don't know. This whole year, this whole year or last year, everyone was telling me, you can't use your passport. I was like, I paid $93.53 for that. What do you mean I'm not going to use it? I know I can't travel anywhere, but I've just been having all my one night stands just kiss a page. Yeah, traveling the world and pussy. Oh, come on, guys. Oh, hey, oh, there we go. That won't get into anything. One more time for Ivan Garcia, everybody. What was that last joke? I think I missed it. What ended in traveling? Oh, everyone's telling me I can't use my passport because we can't travel, right? The travel ban, especially you Trumpers out there.

Uh, I just have my one night stands kiss a page. What's the fuck? You've been smoking too much moto. Passbook empty page thing. That's what you're saying. Okay. What do you say about a sea of pussy? Oh, I'm traveling the world and pussy. Are you really? I'm trying to seem like the gayest guy that's been on stage. That includes me, Edward and John Rice. I'm kidding. I'm not really gay. That's a running joke. I'm sorry, Ryan. You had to see that. Let me turn you around. So Ivan, is it true? Are you really traveling in a sea of pussy? No, I'm trying to stay like a one woman guy. How's that going for you? Very tough. Yeah, because a lot of a lot of you keep

wearing her scarfs out at night. This is from Oaxaca, Mexico. I'm trying to be Mexican. I don't look Indian as fuck. Is it really? Yes, it is. Wow. Did you use it like Batman to get back over the wall when you went to the, all right. That's fun. It's fun to be interviewing Mexican me. This is exciting. How long have you been doing stand up? 11 years. Wow. 11 years. All of it here in Austin? No, I've been in Austin for about five and a half years and I started in San Francisco, San Jose. Yeah, California. Yeah, I know. I've heard of it. What made you move to Austin, Texas? I was working for Intel at the time. Intel? Yeah. Wow. What do you do for work now? Nothing. I'm trying to do all comedy. Oh, I do Instacart. I don't know if that's a job. You do Instacart

sometimes? Just deliver groceries. Okay. Stepped away from the tech world. All right. Why did you do that? Because I love stand up. You know what? This industry is booming. I'm going to go to Instacart. I mean, Intel is pretty nice. I felt really successful already at the time when I was 29. I was like, you know what? I better do stand up now before I turn 40 because that's creepy as fuck. Yeah. No, you're absolutely right. Doing stand up when you're 40 is creepy as fuck. No, you're successful. You're successful. You can't be some motherfucker out of the open mic. What do you do for fun? You seem like sort of an eccentric guy. Oh man, just smoke a lot of weed. Do you try to do as many mics with my friend, Brittany and Mark? And that's it, man. Why are you having trouble with

the girlfriend? Tell us more about this. Well, I got out of an eight year relationship right before COVID hit and maybe live in my car because, you know, I had to have her keep staying in the apartment. So COVID hit after a month and I was like living in my vehicle and that's kind of been like it. You know, when you're poor as fuck, you can't really get laid all the time. Let me ask you this. So you guys went through a breakup and you go straight to your car, but when COVID happens, I mean, any, any relationship that lasted eight years that didn't end horrifically, I feel like you would be like, Hey, let's just fucking bundle up through this chaos together, right? It sort of feels that way. So how bad did this thing end that at the end of eight years,

it was like, you get the fucking your car and get out of here. How did it really end? Well, I still had that month of, you know, right after the breakup. And that whole month I was hitting comedy so fucking hard. So she must have thought I was so happy without her that she was just like, fuck, no, I'm blocked. The good, the rough part about being a Mexican living in your car is your roommates. Yeah, hopefully he had a lot of trunk space to fit all the kids in there. Grandma, get back in the trunk. It's rough when you're spreading COVID to your family in your car. I would think though, like after, for real, like after an eight year relationship, like how bad COVID was, especially at the beginning, you'd be like, come on, let's just live together. Did she start

banging somebody else immediately? No. Really? How do you know that? I mean, because I don't know, I did. I wasn't checking. You weren't checking? No, I mean, I went out. Were you getting later? Were you hitting comedy so hard? I took my friends, I took my passenger seat out, just so I could have more sex in that car. Is that true? That is true. Wow. So you were taking girls to your car. They didn't care. That didn't care. What kind of car is this, by the way? Toyota Cruel 2017 Sports Edition, baby. You know what, pull that passenger side up. Someone's going to fuck you right now. So you were only fucking 10s? What do you mean? No, he's making it. How horrible were these women that were having sex with you at a car roller? Really? I know

they were awesome, but like, what did they look like? I'm sure they had killer personalities. No, you know, it's weird, man. This is the only time in my life I'm 33 and now I'm fucking from like the ages of 20 to 40. It's amazing. Wow. What's the 40 year old like? Amazing. Like, just they know what they want. Where do you meet the 40 year old Instacart? Grocery stores. Really? She's inside of the grocery store? Coffee shops, Instacart, H-E-B. Yeah, H-E-B. Absolutely. Can we just call it H-E-B? Like, don't do the H-E-B. I don't think you can call it a H-E-B. The Indians will get mad or something like that. No, you're going to sound too new. You're going to sound too new. You can't even call the Indians the Redskins or the Indians anymore. The last

thing. Just doesn't roll off the tongue. Straight H-E-B. All right. So, did it ever go wrong? Any police ever pull up on you while you're having sex in the passenger seatless Corolla? There was a couple incidents maybe in the couple Best Buy parking lots, you know, when they're doing their curbside. Why is that car still there? Getting your work done in a Best Buy parking lot. It took you more of a Home Depot kind of guy. Why would you go to the Best Buy parking lot? Why wouldn't you just go to like a library or something? It's because he only has blue polo shirts and he wants to, they'll think I'm an employee. That's fun. So, what did the cops say then? No, they never got caught, man. Nothing? No, no way. Do you have the house now? I'm way too paranoid.

What do you have? Blankets and pillows and stuff? Like, what goes on? I had to stuff my whole life into my trunk and try to pull it off like I wasn't living in my car. We don't feel like you have very much. We did a survey and we feel like you could fit your life in your car. Definitely, you'd have shit. What's one thing that you'll never let go of that you have in your car that's important to you? Well, aside from just important documents, I guess just my comedy notebooks and that's it, my laptop. That's it. Give me one pair, one change of clothes and I'm good. Somebody go light a Corolla on fire outside. It's a 2017. I guess there's still some good Resale Valley on that. Is there? Those stains. There's more Instacart stains and sex stains.

What else about your life? You have a crazy family or anything like that? Crazy upbringing? I have a huge family all over the world. Oh, we believe that. Yeah, definitely. How big? I'll take that stereotype. Yeah. Okay. What else? Anything else other than a huge family? No, just like a love fucking standup, man. That's just all I've been doing. Every day, even with COVID, fuck it. I went out. I'm sorry if some of you grandmas died because I did a shit. Wait, you did stand up while you had the coronavirus? No, no, no. Not while. I had it. Well, they just started being shows everywhere, outdoor shows. I just started hitting them. You're saying that you had it? I have not gone COVID at all, by the way. I've done 100 and

something sets. All right, we get it. You like stand up comedy, dude. Jesus fucking Christ. Like not to be a dick, but it doesn't seem like you've been doing comedy that much because of the material you did tonight seemed very... It didn't seem like there was any punchlines to any of it. It was pretty. It was. I don't want to be a dick, but like... For turning pussy down because you're hitting comedy so hard and 11 years behind it. I just wanted to give you guys bars. I don't know. I was trying to go over here and do a couple of one-liners. What's your favorite joke you've ever... What you guys like to hear is favorite joke in 11 years, huh? 11 years. Plus, he's hitting it so hard, he can't get all the pussy that he possibly could. Here he is, his

best joke, Ivan Garcia. I know like I look like a sweet Mexican child right now, boy next door, but I was a bad kid in high school, guys. I was a really fucking bad kid. My parents made a bet with me. They were just like, okay, we're going to give you 10 fucking grand if you could graduate high school without just fucking up, okay? Just graduate high school and do the whole thing. But I loved weed so much, guys. And I know, fuck it. I said, okay, mom and dad, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do this, but I used to go over to my grandma's house and she was a little, little fucking crazy, okay? And I would smoke weed sometimes in the morning and that one fucking morning where I really had to pull it off, okay? She came and knock it and she's like, me, what are you doing?

I was like, fuck this. I got to get out of this situation because I want the 10 grand, right? Step one, knocked over the Jesus candle to cover up the smell, okay? And step two, I had to finish the bond because I was high school and I was only buying weed at $5 at a time, okay? I'm here right there, grandma. And step three, got a little bit ass from the bowl, made a fake cross on my head. I was like, hey, grandma, what's up? What are you doing? She's like, where were you? I was like, I was at the six a.m. mass, lazy. Where were you? She's like, why are your eyes red? I was like, that's a devil coming out. It's really, it's really bad. 11 years. I don't believe this now. I don't.

That's how long the setup was. I know. I don't believe the 11 years. You must have done like six years where you've done, did comedy once or something like that. It was hitting it not so hot. Always hitting. Yeah, because that was way too much setup. It's okay. We all know what's wrong with that. Ivan. Yeah, man. I mean, I don't know what's going on. Maybe, maybe, I don't know. I don't know what's happening. Intel's hiring. I'm looking at it right now. What is Tom Segura have to say about the joke that Ivan Garcia just did? Again, that's Tom after breaking his knee and arm basketball court. My favorite sound effect of all. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Feel

free to break a bottle over his head on his way out. It's Ivan Garcia, everybody. Thank you. Better luck next time, Ivan. I've been in space. Here you go. I don't believe this. Young female sub zero. All the way from Wuhan, everybody. Some amazing helpers here tonight. Nothing better than a little girl from Wuhan to help sanitize things. You guys having fun out there? I don't believe that last guy at all. How about the back? You guys having fun back there? It's like a half energy crowd. Everybody's afraid to spread COVID. Everybody woke up with

half a symptom today. All right. Pull another name out of the bucket. I do believe this young lady got up last week. Let's see what happens this week. It's Brittany Ledesma. Brittany Ledesma. Hey, that's not Brittany. Brittany Ledesma is coming towards the stage. I don't think she was enough last week. One more time for Brittany Ledesma, ladies and gentlemen. I've been compared a lot to a classic car recently. I'm beautiful on the outside, but on the inside I'm so broken and no amount of money you pour in me will fix me. An old man like to ride me to feel alive. I only know that because I've been dating vintage.

It's a nice way to say I'm fucking old guys. Right, I need to get my check, but I don't mean like one or two years older. It's like bordering on antiques. They remember the star of the Korean War, but not their own name. I don't have to worry about getting STDs, just shingles. That's about the only issue, but I also just don't know what to call a guy in bed. He's older than my father. Daddy's out of the question, so I called a guy uncle, and he was like, you look nothing like my niece, but I could be into that. Turns out also calling a guy uncle in Texas is also too real. That's all I got. Brittany Ledesma. Hell yeah, Brittany. There you go.

Look at that crowd goes wild. How long have you been doing stand-up, Brittany? Uh, almost two years. Almost not even two years, and meanwhile she has a joke better than somebody that's been doing it 11 years. Hitting it hard. Hitting it hard. I had to take the passenger seat out of his car because he's swimming and pussing. Jesus. And then meanwhile Brittany comes up here, literally less than one-fifth of the comedy experience and smashes with a shingles joke. It's Brittany, bitch. Welcome back, Brittany. You were here last week, right? You changed your hair. I did. You did. Mental illness.

Yeah, I could see. There's a like Khaleesi if she had cats instead of dragons. Is that pink and blonde? Yeah. It's like Game of Crohn's. It's a disease where you shit a lot if you don't know for those of you that are like, why do you say Crohn's? It's because of that. I don't know why I would assume that you shit a lot, Brittany. That's weird. I have IBS. That's a very strange one. Do you really? You really do? Boom, nailed it. Yes. That's a symptom of Crohn's. It's all coming together now. I started eating meat again for the first time in six months, like two days ago.

How'd that go? Not great. Yeah, what? Oh, no, we're going to put the farboard away. What happened when you ate meat for the first time in six months? You could describe it to us as a real comedy crowd. Everybody likes you. Well, first of all, I went for brisket, obviously. Oh, yeah. That's literally risk it for the brisket. Literally, I did. I was in the bathroom for the next like three hours, but it was worth it. Oh, my God. Three hours. I had my iPad set up in there and everything to watch TV. Wow. I didn't move much. Doesn't it just like squirt out, though? No, it's like. What? Well, I thought when he had IBS. Not everybody has an asshole like you.

It doesn't fall out. Sorry. I don't take it in the ass as much as you, man. When Red Band poops, it's like his butt is vomited. Yeah. Well, I thought when he had IBS, it was just like it was so much. It's both. So it's like sometimes you're just stuck up in there and then sometimes it just lets loose like Niagara Falls. Oh, my goodness. It's unfortunate. Niagara Falls, the Buffalo side of Niagara Falls, by the way, not the not the pretty Canada side. Oh, people from Buffalo hate me. Brittany, so what are some things that we didn't find out about you last week that we should know about you now? You probably had some time to think about some fun facts about Brittany

Ledesma. Oh, I paint. That's a fun thing. I garden a lot. I grow jalapenos, ghost peppers. Wow. You make your own fertilizer? Yeah, I do. Ghost peppers. But not like that. No, I make compost. Oh, okay. How do you make compost? What goes into that? You just take dirt and then vegetables that you don't use. Trash. You just get the trash on top of dirt. It's really easy to do. What do you do with all the ghost peppers? You making salsa or anything? I honestly wish I used them, but I don't. I just started growing them because I thought would be fun and then they grew and now I have too many. Nice. I try and pawn them off to my friends, but no one wants any. Oh, that's exactly how the parents of Ivan Garcia feel about their children.

So, Brittany, that's fun. What's your love life like? Did we talk about that last week? We did. Yeah. What did we find out? I've been having a lot of accidental friend sex. Oh, that's right. You know, 2017 Toyota Corolla Sport. Yeah. Really? Have you? No. Oh, okay. I was going to say next time you fuck Ivan, you should give him some jokes. Yeah. Leave your notebook out. Yeah. Just a little piece of paper. He's like, Oh, is this your number? You're like, I'll put it on the passport. Yeah. That's fun, Brittany. My goodness. What do you do for fun to pass the time? Like what's like a thing that you like other than painting and stand-up comedy?

Like for actual, like fun fun. You drank or? I did. I've been, I haven't had a drink in a week. Oh, okay. I got too wild. Are you trying to like stay away? Is that like a big deal for you not drinking for a week? Yeah, that's huge. Wow. What do you normally go through? Tequila. Yeah. Oh, wow. That was a quick answer. Do you see that one? Are you an angry drunk, a physical drunk? No, I'm just like way too fun. And then. Oh, you want to drink? What does that mean? Way too fun. Describe for us what a drunken tequila. I want to talk to anyone. It gets like, I get way too personal with random people. I want to hear their life stories. I want to talk to them. It's like, I become friends with every girl in the bathroom.

Like let's meet up here next year, same time, same place. That's fun. How about the stand-up comedy? You've been doing it in Austin this whole time, right? Yeah, I run four shows out here with Ivan. Wow, cool. Very cool. Oh, with Ivan? Really? Yeah. Wow. You run four shows with Ivan? Yeah. Stop drinking immediately. What are you? I'm never getting booked in this town again. My goodness. All those years, this whole time you've been working with Ivan? No, we just started running shows. And he's never tried to make a move on you? No. I don't know. That was not the same answer as tequila. That was like very like, no.

Unless you count the one night. Is that why you stopped drinking? You finally gave in to Ivan a week ago. You're like, oh, that is it. Woke up with a scarf around your neck and nothing else. Just like, oh my god, no. Toyota logo on your forehead. Jokes ripped out of your notebook. Just fucking. Looks like a bear went through your joke book. Oh, shit. Well, Brittany, congratulations. You got up twice in a row. I mean, I've probably had this what's so far the joke of the night with that shingles thing. I mean, you got a pop from the audience and fun stuff. So congratulations, Brittany LaDesse, my ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at Brittany LED. All one word, B-R-I-T-N-E-Y.

Interesting. Yeah. The bucket has a mind of its own. It's really interesting. Hey, look who it is. What's the character? Short round from Indiana Jones. There it is. Indiana Jones's trusty helper. Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones. It feel like we're stepping on fortune cookies. Those on fortune cookies. Oh, come on. Don't waste that. My goodness. Gracious. Crazy Asians. All right. Pulled another name out. Make some noise for Nick Roche. Nick Roche. Here we go. Nick's coming from the back. All the comedians chambered off on the sidewalk holding tank, keeping their distance from one another. Everybody's spread out here.

Safe. How do you feel, Antones? Good. Here is Nick Roche. So it's good to be here. Anybody else grow their hair out during the pandemic? I tried growing my hair out and the result that I got is I look like kind of like a little Swedish girl. It's like that's really into deadlifting. I'm Greta Thunderberg. I recently took up scuba diving because I'm really good at sinking. And when I signed up for the class, I had to fill out forms. So in case I die, they're not responsible. And so I had to check off some medical thing I might have. So one of them was bronchitis, makes sense. One of them was depression. And I thought, well, how does depression affect one's scuba performance? Like you get to the bottom, you're

like, oh, a coral. Oh, a crab. What's the point? Oh, a porpoise. What's my porpoise? Anyway, that's all I planned for it. Okay. Fuck yeah, nailed it. Nick Roche. Awesome performance, Nick. Thank you. Very, very fucking good. Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke. Who would have guessed that would work? Yeah. We got to find out how many years have you been doing comedy? Three. Wow. Very good. All here in Austin? No, I'm from Connecticut. I just moved here in September. Oh, congratulations. Welcome, welcome. How's the big one for you since the big move? Great. Yeah, I've been doing mics in town. I try to do a mic every night. They have mics basically every night in Austin now, besides Saturdays. Yep. I actually, I host a mic. I'll

plug my mic. It's a San Jack's Loon just down the road there every Sunday at 7 p.m. Awesome. There you go. Absolutely. It's going to be packed to the walls now that you said that. What made you want to move here in September? Well, I went to UConn and I grew up in Connecticut and I thought... You are a true husky, so. Yep. And so I thought, you know, I want to live somewhere else and I just graduated from and I was like, you know, I know Austin is the biggest, you know, it's booming with comedy and I really like comedy. So I thought I'd strike while the iron's hot, so to speak. Absolutely. How old are you now, Nick? 22. 22. Has anyone ever told you look like a Peyton Manning never had a dad? I got the Peyton Manning part, but not the second half. That's

the important part. I'm telling you right now. Whoever told you the Peyton Manning part was just lying to you. So welcome, welcome, Nick. How do you make money? Now you're 22. You live in Austin. You live by yourself? I have roommates, actually, and I make money. I work for an engineering services company. It's called Advanced Drainage Systems. Well, you're giving everybody shoutouts. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I just want to be as specific as possible. It's not the most exciting. Advanced drainage. So you're a gutter boy. A what? A gutter boy. He's all about gutters. Isn't that what I do? Yeah, like gutters, catch basins, detention, I don't know. It's like detention systems. Have you ever been going through a gutter

and you see any Ivan Garcia's jokes? Just pull him aside. Yeah, we'll just keep Ivan out for the many callbacks that are to come. Mark off the four shows that I'm not allowed to perform at. In Austin, Texas. Actually, I feel like Brittany will have my back if they're running it together. But who knows? The woman always says she's running it. Right. We know who pulls the real the brains and the relationships. Am I right? That's a way for him to get laid. Yeah, you're my partner. Yeah, totally. Any day now, she's going to give it up to me. She's going to rip my scarf off and go to town. It's a neck 22. 22 years old. You got roommates. You got a real job. Everything seems to be going good. What's a part of your life that you don't like right now?

Well, my job I have currently is a part time. So I'm trying to find a full time job right now. So like, you know, looking online for full time jobs. What type of full time job would you want? Is there anyone here that's perhaps hiring for a full time job? There you go. How about you ever bone slice before? No, no, I haven't ever do that. That's just one drunken voice in the corner. Bone slice. Yeah, sure. Why not? Perhaps his nickname or something. Give it a shot. Did you go to college for anything? Yeah, I went for civil engineering. Okay. So what are you going to do with that? I'm not sure yet. Still trying to figure it out. Yeah, I don't really know. Pump water out of something or

something. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. What are your parents like? Connecticut seems it's always like I have this image of Connecticut. It's so boring and dull. It's right almost up there with Buffalo is just he's got worst places. He's got rich parents, you can tell he's got that rich parents. Absolutely. You from Greenwich, Connecticut? No, no, I'm not from Greenwich. You said that like you're from Greenwich. No, no, no, Tony, not from Greenwich. No, no, no. Just outside of Greenwich. It's an even greater community. Is it really? I'm outside of Greenwich. Yeah. New Haven County. Yeah. Nice. You're goddamn fucking right. You are. So I welcome to another episode of how rich are your parents? I mean, no, not just middle class. That's what they all say. Now we know they're super rich. No, no.

No, yeah, just the thing about Connecticut is like nobody really cares if you talk shit about it because it's nobody in Connecticut really likes it that much. It's it's just a boring kind of you know it's fine. It's horrible. I like it a little bit. You know, it's it's fine. What do you like about it? I don't know. It's it's just it's kind of a peaceful state generally. I don't know. Nothing really crazy happens. You don't have any of the band members in Connecticut. You know what I mean? None of those band member types. No, I mean this. Hey, whoa, John. All right. So, Nick, what is something about you that we would be surprised to know?

I don't know. I'm I'm it must be a little fun fact about you that that we would be shocked to know like you know how to like freestyle rap or perhaps I'll battle you. I mean you wouldn't even be surprised. I can speak a little German, but that's not how many you want to hear this guy speak as much German as he can right now. I'm going to pull out my wooden shoes for this one. Okay. All right. Here he is doing some German. Sorry to the Hasidic Jews in the front here. I know this still brings back memories, but go right ahead. Here's Nick Roche proving that he's not from an extremely rich, white, Connecticut family by speaking. Okay. Hello.

Wait, what the fuck are you saying about my show? I was saying nice things. I was saying welcome to the show. Welcome to Kill Tony. Okay, go ahead. Say talk some more. Let's hear some more. Okay. Ganesh and see at Fossou Essen. What did you just say? The showers are right this way? I said enjoy. I said enjoy something to eat. I don't know if they sell food here, but yeah. What is it? Rat poison? You pesky German. I was outside the whole night. I have no idea what they planned here, but I love it. I don't know. All right, Nick. Well, we love it when rich, white kids speak German on the show. Yeah, it's great. Just like home. Yep. All right. What do

your parents do for a living? My mom works for the CEO. No, no, no. She works for a company. She used to work for Enron. No, I'm just kidding. She works for the court system in Connecticut. My dad's pretty broad. The Supreme Court. She's like a clerk. She's like a clerk. Like she does like the scheduling for the court dates. Doesn't sound like a cook to me. How about your dad? And my dad's, he's a sales account manager for a company called ABB. ABB? What does that stand for? A billion billion? No, it's actually a company in Europe of it's just, yeah, I think it's banking like, no, no, no, they make like, um, like, um, it doesn't matter. There you go. Nick Rache, everybody, absolutely killing it tonight. Come

back again, Nick. Incredible performance. Thank you. Nick underscore R O C H E L coming in perhaps the best that we've seen here in Austin, Texas. So ABB, they make robots and their annual revenue is $28 billion a year. There you go. Oh, he just does the accounting for some company called ABB. He gave it to us because he didn't think we'd look it up. $28 billion a year. My dad's just the accountant for something. Here he goes. Someone is, where are they? I think we're at the base of a rainbow right now or something like that. I'm not sure what's going on here. They've got the mental illness table to the left. He's just, uh, he just came over from the old MIT. All right. Now the name out of the bucket. Here we go. Chris Reeves, R E E S. Here he comes.

A brisk pace from the back. I don't know the words. That's all I know. Here he is. Chris Reeves. So when I was eight years old, a 13 year old boy took me into the woods and forced me to jerk him off. Not my favorite day. Not my worst either, to be honest. I cried more when my mom said I can only get one candy bar at the grocery store. Like I had to choose between a Twix and a Kit Kat. You sadistic bitch. If you're going to feel bad for anybody, feel bad for the 13 year old. His first hand job was from a sad eight year old covered in snot and tears.

I didn't know anything about making a penis feel good. I pretended it was a power ranger toy for eight minutes. It's morphin time. What the fuck Kyle? You shot hot glue all over my face you dick. You know how embarrassing it is having to clean yourself off with leaves before you go home for a supper. If I had a time machine, I would go back to that exact moment and give that 13 year old a hand job he deserves. Chris Reeves. Am I saying that right? Are you? Yes? Yeah, Reeves. Reeves. Reeves. Yes, sir. Okay. All right. Well, welcome. Welcome. So there you go. You were eight and a 13 year old forced you to give him a hand job. Yes, sir. My goodness. That's so bothersome because eight year olds, their hands are so tiny.

I know. It just seems like it would be the lamest hand job ever. You know what I mean? I'd be like, use both, Chris. Throw that tight mouth in the mix. You let our eight year old fuck. That's more like playing doctor or something. Has anything ever happened to you like that before? You ever just play doctor really fast and hard? Doctor, examine me harder and faster with your tiny hand. No, nothing. No, I love that. You're like a human version of Eric Cartman. This is exciting. Square up to the audience a little so that they can get a good look at you here. This is great. Somehow you're the most homeless, dressed guy that we've had on stage and we had an actual homeless guy who's asking for change

that was better than you. Chris, do you know who this 13 year old is now? Like have you tried to find him on Facebook or handbook? Yeah, he was a family friend and he ended up joining like some weird cult. No, yes. Of course, this guy got molested by an eight year old. It's like a reverse pedophilia. Yeah, I feel guilty for ruining his life. I feel imagine if a parent would have walked by and he's just like, no, stop, Chris. You would have been a real asshole then. Eight year old rapist. All right. Did he really calm? Did he they scored all over you? He finished because 13 eight. That could have been landed right on your glasses. Yeah, it was like a weird, I don't know, like 13 year old clear come. All right. It wasn't strong. Oh, wow. Look

at that. We remember that. It comes out like a sprite. Yeah. And then eventually it's like squirt and then eventually just straight fucking root beer, root beer. Just comes out like some root beer. Disgusting picturing you coming eggnog right now. Oh, I'm gonna throw up thick gravy. I love it. So, wow, Chris, do you think that messed with you at all as a kid or anything like that? Yeah, it affected your childhood. It really did. Yes. Wow. In what way? I was just sad all the time. Oh, okay. This is going doing the I feel like I just got molested. This is so sad right now. Really at eight. You were sad. Like I really affected you. I mean, it wasn't like an old man or anything. It was just another kid. It was almost just like, you know,

it's just like a test in the waters a bit. Yeah, maybe I was just like there was a dick in the water. Amazing. You seem pretty sensitive about it coming grow man up, dude. I'm going to jerk you off right now. See how it feels. Well, me and me and me and my friend, like we used to go with we had a bunch of girls that lived in the neighborhood that were in our in our grade. Sure. And this is like, did you take out the passenger seat on your power wheels? This is like third, fourth grade. But we used to all play doctor. We have like parties underneath this ping pong table. All the girls would pull down their pants would stick pencils in them and smell them. It was great. But I never thought like this is fucked up. Like I was just like, I'm just

having fun on my kid. When was this last week? I mean, sounds like a great childhood. And how dare you bring up ping pong? She's been cleaning the microphone. Oh my god. All right, so let's talk about it, Chris. What else since this amazing hand job has happened in your life that we should know about? How old are you? Friday, I'll be 22. 22. Look at you, young buck, 21 years old. Just 13 years after giving a hand job to somebody. All right. So what do you do for work? What do you do for school? What's going on with you? I actually I moved here. John Rice is my roommate. So I just moved here with him. Awesome. What are the odds of that? Yeah, I live with a gay. Fuck you guys. Oh, John Rice is Oh, okay. Wait, which one's fucking John Rice? That was the gay guy,

right? Yes, he was the third gay guy. Right. How's living with John Rice? Is that fun? It's good. He has his hats everywhere. He just keeps taking off hats when he gets home. I can't believe it. He's good. He has anger problems. Does he? Yeah. Wow. Wow. You should see how he treated the chicks from the mattress store. Oh, what happened? How dare they let a woman bring me my mattress? I swear I would never let a woman touch my bed again. I have a question. I have a question. Yeah, John, he seems pretty, you know, he does he make you touch him? Yeah, do you give him hand jobs? What's going on over there? Yeah, man. Has he ever? Has he ever asked for anything ever let you off rent free? You know what I mean? Like every other week. Oh, I like that. All right. How many roommates

do you guys have going in and out of that place? It's just me and Rice. Just you and? Rice man. Oh, okay. Rice man. No more Mr. Rice guy. Absolutely. I love it. I wonder if he is that his real ass name Rice or does he just do that because he's also in a lot of men's stomachs. It's a reach, a gay rice joke. I don't know. They can't. They can't any of them be home runs. So, Chris, let's talk about it. What else about your life? What do you like to do for fun? You seem like the guy that holds the record in some video game. Your top score somewhere for sure. Something, right? And I I'm not very interested. I like movies. I just got a job. My first day was this morning. I sort through women's clothings. Whoa, look at that. Do what you love. Never work a day in your

life. My goodness. Chris, we said sort, not sniff. Why are you sorting through women's clothes? It's like I have any of you guys heard of Nadine West? No, it's like an Austin clothing company. They send clothes out and I have to look at all the returns and sticker them like sticker them like like what like dirty or clean or yeah. Wow. Did they make you smell them? I mean they might We get to take home free clothes. Oh, wow. Yeah, I pick carefully. It doesn't look like you do. You're adorable. So what else, Chris? What's your love life like? You ever take any girls back to the home to meet John? It's bad. It's a bad love life. Yeah. What was this? What's the story with the lady in the mattress? Oh, oh, yeah. They just didn't have the mattress he wanted.

Right. And he's like, this is I ordered one that came with a man on top of it. Now, what was up? What was up with that? He was being a real queen about the mattress, huh? There you go. That was a good one. That was a good thank you. That lady got it 30 seconds later. Oh, all right. Well, Chris, I mean, very fun, man. Fun. You stuck with one topic the whole time, which I love. You're, you know, that's a bit that you could slide anywhere into anything. You could just, you know, take your hand and just pull it out and just bust that fucking joke out any time about giving a guy a hand job. I like it. I liked what you were doing. What? I liked what you were doing. Perfect. I'll give it. I would say give him a hand, but

come on, Tony. Let him let him try. Let me try. Come on. Come sit next to Uncle Tony for the rest of the show. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He's damaged by this event. Come on. This is good. Tony Hinchliffe. There's me too. Me. I don't know about this guy. All right, Chris. Well, fun stuff, man. You're a young buck. You're not even twenty two yet. You have a head start on so many people, and that's a huge advantage in this industry. So congratulations to you. Thank you. Chris Reese, everybody. There he goes. He's on Instagram at crease comedy. C. R. E. S. We got no regulars here this week. Unfortunately, everybody's coming out. They're coming out. They are moving here. All three regulars are moving here to Austin, Texas, everybody,

but it's all at different times. Might introduce our first guest back on this show next week. That that might be fun. Yeah. Guests will be back. How about a hand for the brand new band, huh? Oh, you never know, Tony. We might find a new regular out here in Austin, Texas. It happened. We could have placeholders until the boys come out here. Fun stuff. All right. Here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Christina Michelle. Christina Michelle. Yeah. Christina Michelle, perhaps coming from some direction. Here she comes, everybody. It's happening. Here she is, Christina Michelle. Given the events in Washington, DC,

with everything that's gone on, I'm from Washington, DC, Maryland, and I used to be an intern for the United States Senate. Instead of taking down Congress with like Viking hats and shitting on their mail and stuff, I'll share a story. So, I was in the bathroom once near a Senate, like there's a chef that came in from like a Senate dining room, and she walked into the bathroom and against girl code, because there's girl code in bathrooms, she took a steaming hot shit, just dropped her load. It's like she had IVF in her anus, and she was doing plop tuplets in the toilet, you know? And then I was like kind of disgusted and like flabbergasted, and she got up, and she left without washing her hands,

and she served Senator Spaghetti right before they went to the floor to vote, and that is how you fuck over Congress one dirty shit at a time. There you go. Christina Michelle, everybody. That's fun. Hello. Hello, how are you? How are you boys doing today? Good, so it's two weeks in a row for you. You signed up with a different stage name tonight than last week. Yeah, I signed up with my given name. Why is that? Because you told me I could only come in once a month as a regular. Uh-huh. Well, not really as a regular, but to do this special psychic reading thing that you became famous for last week. So then, what do you think's going to happen here? Well, I mean, I'm Christina Belich,

Christy Belich, the comedian. Did you sign up under different names, multiple names on tonight? I signed up under Christina Michelle because I saw this motherfucker at Baker Street Pub last motherfucking Tuesday, and I looked him in the eye, and I said, can I have my regular spot? And you said, don't you want to sign up like every week? And you said, no. You said, I'd rather have the once a month spot. And I looked you back in your eyes, and I called your bullshit bluff. And I said, you can pick one or the other. And you said, I'd rather have a regular spot then. And I go, okay, then you can't sign up. So you signed up under a different, are you listening? I'm listening. So then you signed up under a different name tonight, and you think you can abuse the system.

Am I right? I'm not using the system. I'm saying the system's fucking broken, brah. I don't know. It seems to be working completely fine all the time. Damn. Do we have to do a banning? I don't know. We might need to get a fucking restraining order on this one. She's got the googly eyes tonight, saying our system's broken. I said, the system's broken. You said in the back, I heard you say it before I got up. You didn't have any other regulars here in Austin. And I said you, and I looked at you in the eye. I looked at you. Sorry, I'm from Maryland. I looked you in the eye. And you said, okay, keep this spot. But the thing is, Christie, the psychic keeps the spot. Christina Michelle,

the comedian who goes on the road. That's not how it works. Not at all. I got bad news for you. You wrote your own, you wrote your own, you wrote your own story there. That's not even a thing that's not exactly, we've talked about this. It doesn't exist, folks. Thank you. Thank you. It's the president of the United States. We're not going to negotiate this now. There's a live comedy show going on, but I'm going to tell you immediately just to hold. I asked you are my jokes good enough like the boys. I asked you are my jokes good enough like the boys and you said you're doing a great job on this show. Christie, you're not a regular on this show. We thought that the psychic thing that happened at the comedy store a couple months ago was funny.

We were able to get through one month of you doing that. Then you got lucky last week. You understand? You got pulled out of the bucket last week. Remember first. To you guys, are my jokes not as good as Williams or David? Absolutely not. Not even close. Nowhere even remotely close. How many of you think William David and Michael's jokes are better than Christina Michelle's? And the other people don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Anybody who didn't just make a lot of noise. Are the people that made noise seen my sets on the show? We just want you just did a set on the show. You just did it for 60 seconds. We let you go

uninterrupted even though you broke a rule and it doesn't really matter. It's just below. It's just very weird that you would do that. We made a deal. I mean like you don't think it was weird for me when you're at Baker Street. I took time to actually talk with you when you're like, hey, can I sign up or would I get the once a month spot? Because you weren't irregular. I said you could do the psychic thing once a month. You got it. You fucked up. There she goes. Christina Michelle, everybody. She fucked up. She fucked up. She fucked up. So probably I'll sue her because it would be fun. Keys. I'm glad she caught her breath because I was worried for a long time. That's like cool.

Well, that's disappointing. Proof again that this show is live as fuck. People have said that the bucket is rigged. I've read these in the comments before. Highly doubtful. Yeah, that's one thing you don't fuck with. You don't fuck with the bucket. There's been a couple of times where somebody puts in different names so they get called. We find that you're out of the show forever. Bad mojo. It's really the only way to get in trouble with the show by signing up multiple times under multiple names. There's a lot of trust. The sad part was she got pulled out of the bucket first last week. The first person pulled out of the bucket in Austin in front of an audience. But some people just can't get enough. You give them an inch. They want a weekly spot on the number

one live podcast in the world. We're live again. I pulled another name out. Put your hands together for Mark Pena. If Christina walks up here, I'm going to be furious. Mark Pena is a new name. This looks fresh. I feel like we didn't see this last week. Man, Ryde J. Ebell looks very disappointed also. He does. Guys, put your hands together for Mark Pena, everybody. We're here. Anton's live. Hi, everybody. Hello. Oh, my goodness, man. Everything's so different now, isn't it? Everything's changing. There's all these new social rules and all that stuff now, man. I have been holding this cough for like two hours now. I wish you could cough again. You can't do that anymore, though, guys. You can't. You're better not. This place has a two cough minimum.

We will kick you out, okay? We'll have to do it. We'll do it, man. Dude, I lost my job because of coronavirus. Sorry, I ran up here. I got 30 seconds down. Yeah. I lost my job because of coronavirus, though, man. And now I'm selling my plasma for money. It's so embarrassing, though. I don't like telling people that. My friends, though, they see my track marks. They see the bandage around my arm. They're like, oh, hey, Mark. You don't need any blood there, buddy? You selling your plasma? What? No. I'm not broke. I do heroin. That's what it is. It's the most less embarrassing than the actual truth, I think, right? So much cooler, too. Kind of makes me interesting, I think. My folks are really proud. All right. That's all my time.

Hell yeah, Mark Pena. Very likable. Very likable. And somehow more ladylike than Christina Michelle was up here. Absolutely incredible. It's the bangs, isn't it? How old are you? Turn 28. Two weeks ago, maybe. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's been about nine years. Nine years? Just about. Awesome. Did you start after they removed the scissors from your hands? I, uh, it's more of a financial decision, Tony, but yeah. You've been cutting ladies' hairs and doing the landscaping around Austin. Can I say, I don't like haircuts. I don't know what to tell the lady what to do with my hair, and it just fucks it all up, so I just don't cut it. There you go. Fuck yeah. What do you do for work, Mark? I sell my plasma. That's hilarious. I used to do that as a

kid in college. I was allowed to do it twice a week. It would be like 60 bucks, 50 bucks a week. That's pretty good. They give me 30. Wow. Hey, that's cool. You got that dirty plasma. 30 the first time and then 45 the second time. Are there certain things that you have to do or not do to be able to sell your plasma? You can't fill hookers. Really? Well, you can't pay hookers. That's what the questionnaire says. Oh, am I the only one? Don't even blood or nothing? You can't. You can't do that. Well, you can't, but you really can't do that for plasma or blood. Okay. All right. Come on, Red Band. Pack me up on this. You donated your plasma. I liked it. It always gave me a free AIDS test with it. Exactly. They test you for syphilis,

herbies, all that shit. They just look at you. They're like, you don't got AIDS, buddy. That's why I stay fat. The second I start getting skinny, I'm like, there's something wrong with me. My Red Band is a member of the Dallas Friars Club. Hey. All right. So, Mark, how much, how do you, how do you, $30 a pop? How do you make money selling plasma? Oh, well, that's like gas and food money. The other thing I do is Instacart. Yeah. Wow. Instacart. I still don't have enough money for that, but you know, very popular out here. So that's like, that's like Postmates, right? I don't know what that is. What is that? Well, Postmates at one point was at least, I think still is a,

uh, a sponsor. They're amazing. You could use the promo code Kill Tony. What do they do? I order from them every day. Yeah. I order from them also and not favor. Wow. 100%. Very exciting. So Mark, what do you do for fun other than stand up comedy? Uh, oh, you know, I'll just smoke weed, play video games, read a lot. That was the most, you know, free stuff for the most part. What's your living situation like? Apartment. No, no free weed. What?

That was free weed. That's nothing. That's nothing. This is nothing. What the fuck? It's just the back and forth. He said he did free shit. So I was like, no, you get free weed. Oh, that's what you said. Do you, do you get free weed? Nah, man, look at me. I don't know what that means.

Who's gonna give me free weed? I don't know what people that get free weed look like. Pretty. I feel like people that get free weed are pretty. What ethnicity are you? Um, can you guess first? Mexican and Irish. That's interesting. How about you just tell us?

That was Fred dance first, but look at that. That's a race. Go ahead, Mark. Tell us what ethnicity. Mexican, not Irish though. That's interesting. Okay. What is the other one, Mark? No, it's just mostly Mexican for the most part. Okay. What else is a little bit of Pocahontas in yours? Puerto Rican.

Oh, yeah, I guess some Native American, I suppose. Yeah. All right. How's the two? What are your parents like? Describe your parents to us. Uh, my parents are pretty normal. My dad's a cafeteria guy.

My mom's a kindergarten teacher. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. Okay. All right. Cafeteria guy like, uh, you mean like that's a male version of a cafeteria lady? Yeah, exactly.

Oh, that's cool. Except as a dude. Did the students have a cool name for your dad? Nah, man, they didn't. Why did that make you laugh so hard? I don't think any cafeteria guy is a cool nickname besides like, you know, asshole or, you know, something bad. Jesus, you hated your cafeteria guy.

No, I mean, like, I feel like people make fun of them and stuff, you know? So I was thinking if it is a nickname, it's probably not a good one. All right. What's your sex life like, Mark? You're a good looking guy, right? At least you think you are. Uh, I don't, I don't, I don't really try. I'm not really trying right now.

I just kind of gave up, I think. What? You seem like a good top. Like everything should be working out for you. What can I say, man? I don't know, man. I just, uh, yeah, I just kind of gave up. I mean, I kind of have.

What happened the way you would give up? Uh, I was just ashamed myself. I like, I downloaded, I think I was in a long relationship. I broke up with her and then I got Tinder was a whore for about two months. And that just made me real sad. When you say you were a whore for two months, describe to these people what you consider being a whore. I fucked a lot of fat chicks.

Whoa, look at that. You were a dirty whore is what you were. No, no, no. I feel very ashamed of myself. Oh my goodness. And I'm not even, I'm not even saying fat chicks are bad. I'm not even saying that. That's your fetish.

No, the ones I fucked were bad though. Why? Why? What was so bad about them? It was not even, it wasn't even like, it wasn't good fat. It was like, you know, just like. What happened? You, you would deliver them Instacart and they.

Oh, this was all Tinder. But all Tinder. Yeah, it was all Tinder. Uh-huh. So give us an example of when it went wrong. Did you get catfished? No, I knew what they looked like and did it anyways. Wow, disgusting.

Tell us more. I know. That's why I just stopped. I just stopped it all and just shut it down. We want to hear how many you want to hear about him fucking. I, uh, absolutely disappointing type of human being. I mean, I don't know me pretty much. I was like, my favorite thing, by the way, in this new setup is one thing I've noticed

is that on the drums, we have Michael Hale back here, who seems like a very everything that I know about him last two weeks, like a good guy, like a really good human being. And sometimes I'll say something wrong. Like I just called fat women disappointing and I looked back at him and he's just looking right back at me just with these like nice soft eyes. Like, does this guy really mean the shit that he says? I love it.

Michael, how about a big hand for Michael Hale? Jimmy Blazer, Michael Gonzalez, and of course, John Dees on the keys. There's something interesting about him going after fat chicks though and going crazy for two months, like getting it out of his system. You be careful fucking fat chicks, by the way. I heard the mattress ladies around here are awful. You don't want to go break in the one you got. What were you saying, Red Band?

No, there's something interesting about him. Like he was in this long term relationship and then right when he got out, he went crazy and just fucked a shitload of fat chicks in like two months. Well, that makes sense. I wasn't chasing after it though. It kind of just, you know. But yeah, it's pretty, you don't have to really chase fat chicks. Pretty much just get fat chicks.

It was just, we both showed up at the place. We were just like, okay, let's, you know, we like each other enough, I guess. Was there anything disgusting that happened during this journey? Yeah, you did like a Laffy Taffy ever fall out of her pussy? Yeah, smell. You know, they can't shave so good because they can't see anything. Was there like any like spaghetti down there or something? No, it was, you know, just moving flaps and stuff.

And like, you know, it was just like, I'm done. Every time. How many fat chicks do you think you took down during this period of two months? Oh, it was a solid two. Yeah, it was a solid two fat chicks that I... Wow. A solid two. Yeah, for sure.

They're big girls. Wow. None of them are fat chicks, you know. And then what, after number two, you're like, never again. Yeah, well, I didn't, you know, I didn't tell myself that. It kind of, I, looking back now, I'm just realizing that's what I did to myself. I just stopped trying after that and just, you know. Lay low.

Were you broken up with? Like, did the girl, the girl that from the eight years, like you didn't want it to end and that's why we're... No, no, I broke up with her. It wasn't going to work out long term. So, you know, I kind of just laid it down. How long term was it? Okay.

How long? It's like a year and a half ago. Right, but you keep saying long, long distance, was it? No, no, I was with her for a while, a long time, about eight years, I think. Okay. Yeah. What's a crazy, any crazy special skills or talents that we should know that you have? Nope.

Nothing at all. It's the worst thing to say on a live podcast, but there's really... You can't do anything? Can't sing? You never sing? Oh, no, no, no. I can't sing. I don't play instruments.

Are your parents proud of you? There's something weird about you. I don't ask them, so I don't have to hear it. There's a secret about this guy. There's something about this guy. You know what? I think he was the 13-year-old boy. Yeah.

Oh, that jerk thought that other dude on. The math's checking out on this. Yeah. It's five years older than the last guy. Sure, come on. Real good. How ticklish are you? I'm very ticklish.

I can tell, man. All right. I don't fucking care. Okay, guys, we're going to keep it moving. There goes Mark Peña, everybody. Thank you. He's a Peña Mark 87. Let's keep it going faster.

Faster. Faster. Here we go. How about Joey Bueno? Let's get Joey Bueno up here. We're going to switch out the mic. Wait for the clean mic, Joey. Of course, of course I go fast.

It's the one guy next to the stage. Wow. Look at this little fucking meatball coming up here. Faster, faster, Dr. Jones. Here's Joey Bueno, everybody. That's my name. Make some noise for Joey, everyone. You guys like watching porn?

You know you watch too much porn when you know the name of the guy. My favorite guy is a guy named Nick Manning. Anybody Nick Manning fans here? Yeah. The guy, other than having a nice hug. His whole thing is that when he comes, he goes, yeah, dropping loads.

Look him up. He has a book on Amazon called Dropping Loads. So it inspired me to come up with my own thing. You guys want to hear it real quick? So it's like. I don't know anybody's name on my phone. Like there's one I have called Taco Cabana. It's his girl because I only eat her after 10 a.m.

PM, shit. That was a good, yeah. Trying to lose weight. Sugar's hard. Okay. Trying to lose weight and sugar's hard. That's it. Thank you.

Okay. Just a little speech for the fat people out there at the end. I think sugar's hard too, Joey Bueno. Another hand for Joey Bueno, everyone. Thank you. By far one of the funniest French bulldogs we've ever had on the show. What was the joke, eat her after 10?

I don't get it. Taco Cabana, I eat her after 10. At 2 a.m. because you eat Taco Cabana. Taco Cabana. What's Taco Cabana? Oh, you're. We're new here. Hey, wait, what?

What? He's from California. He's from California. What? Oh, shit. It's one of the worst Mexican places in the world. Oh, it's bad. But it's always open.

So you eat it after 2 a.m. So why would you only eat this girl after 2 a.m.? No. Why would you ever do that? That sounds like the worst time to eat or post it. Yeah, you can get her in the morning fresh. Is that a long day? I know.

I stopped. You should be more of like a Matzel Rancho situation, perhaps. Ah, name drop. You wait until she's showered, she's clean, got reservations. Yeah, fucking song is awesome. Hell yeah. So Joey Bueno, tell us about you.

I know for a fact you've got a job. All these unemployed fucks. I was just telling her, I was like, wow, is everyone fucking homeless tonight? Right. And he's been doing comedy longer than anyone that's been on stage probably tonight. Couple years on and off, I kind of stopped.

Really? But yeah, a couple years. I kind of hear in there. I'm a speech therapist. That's not a joke. Really? Mr. 10 a.m., 2 p.m., you're teaching speech? Speech therapist, man.

Wow, for who? How bad do they have to talk for you to get in there? My speech therapist fucking thugs. Yeah, I've done it for more than close to 20 years now. I've worked with kids, mainly all sorts of age ranges. Wow, my god. Can you help Red Band with his ad reads? Hey, yeah.

World. See, Zippery Cruture. Zippery Werter. Yeah. All right, Joey. Out of all the people that you've helped, what's your greatest accomplishment in that field do you think?

Anything good? Anyone ever go on to give like the king's speech or anything like that? I can tell you a crazy story. Yeah, let's do it. The worst. Absolutely. We do a lot with autism.

I had a real severe case. And he was just having a bad day. A red band. That's not how autistic people sound. Yeah. And he was having a bad day. And he just started, he just collapsed and started having a seizure.

A real bad one. Oh, shit. And I don't even know. I started freaking out and I called mom. And mom comes in and she, I didn't know this. Wait, you called the mom? You didn't do anything else until the mom got there? No, no.

I meant like, I was in the room with him and she was next. No. Anyway, he started freaking out and she came in with this medicine with Habitatube. And she like, get move. And she put down his pants and put the medicine up his ass. I didn't even know that. I swear.

And I freaked the fuck out. And I was just like, OK. You bent over, pulled down your pants and asked for the same medicine. Just on the weekends. And then I freaked out. And I called my friend. We had a draw.

I was like, I had the worst day of mother putting medicine up the ass. And I told the company, I was like, hey, this happened. And no reply. It's just like, yeah, you put medicine up the ass. It's just another day. What was the medicine though? I don't know.

It's something like to revive him or something. Divide it in? It had like a little tube thing. And you just slapped it on the face. Are you sure it was his asshole? Yeah. It wasn't a shot in his thigh? Like were you watching closely?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Or you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. You really were? I was in the shot because it was like plastic. And I had never seen it before. How close were you to this?

I feel like you were sniffing the whole situation. Like where you are. Where I am. Yeah, yeah. So he was at the bottom. OK, red band. Red band just learned what a bottom was tonight. I quit that job.

It was north of mine. You did? I mean, I still do it. I just don't work for that company anymore. Because they were like, OK. How was his speech after that? Perfect. It wasn't really good to begin with.

But it wasn't bad at all. Yeah, talk about talking shit. All right. What else, Joey Bueno? Tell us more about you. You seem like a guy that has a lot of hobbies and fun facts about you. I do. I like to DJ. I like to sing.

I like to hike. Really? You DJ? Yeah, try to. Can you give us an example of the type of song you play and set it up for us? I'm not like, hey, what's up? I mean, is that what you mean?

Not like a radio. Come on, try it. Try it for us for the first time. No, I'm not a player at bars, clubs. Yeah, you don't ever say anything when you're. No, I don't. I don't think it's kind of annoying when somebody has a mic.

Honestly, I don't know. What's your name? DJ Bueno? Yeah, that is my name. I swear. Yeah. DJ Bueno. Yeah, Joey Bueno.

Wow. And you don't ever say you don't have any drops or anything like DJ Bueno. Why is that? Why does like mariachi music always have like an Asian? Always have an Asian girl getting raped in all the songs. It is. All right.

Yeah. Our timing and beats are a little bit off tonight, but Joey Bueno, look at you. Did anyone try to roll you down a hill the other snowy afternoon? You seem like you'd be fun to push into snow. We got snow yesterday. That was great.

Yeah, you sort of have a lisp yourself. Oh, really? You didn't hear that? No, no. You just said we have snow yesterday. Yeah, you did do that. Fuck him. Fuck attached.

This is like talking to an Uber driver that doesn't have a driver's license. He's taking his word for a living. Yes, I really do that. He's taking his work home with him. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What else, Joey? Tell us more about you.

What other hobbies and fun things? I like to hike, like to love, live music, love live music when we had it. That's I love. That's my favorite thing to do. What else? Do you have a girlfriend? I have a live with my girlfriend. Yes.

Yeah. How long have you lived with your girlfriend? A couple of years already. Probably get married, I'm sure. Wow. You're going to propose to her soon? No. Shit.

She's probably going to hear this not soon, but soonish, I guess. Not this year. Wow. She's going to hate that part. Oh, man. It's just paused right now. It doesn't work. What the fuck you mean, Joey? Why you even have to say?

Why you even have to go there? We have 14 kids already together. We should be married. Yeah. I have the textbook, Big Mexican Family, for sure. And DJ Buena. Hola, hola. All right.

The other guy was Mexican too, right? Yeah, he was Mexican. Give us a bow. Now you got me self-conscious about it. What happened to your police? Self-conscious. That's the funniest thing when you start calling people out on their list, but they start using all S words.

Now I'm self-conscious. Suck on, suck a test. Suck a test. All right. Your speech doctor, you can't be self-conscious about it. Joey, when you say you're not going to propose soon to this girlfriend, what type of friend you are? I mean, the world is upside down right now.

I don't know if that's the best time. In fact, he has one of the clearest lists I've ever heard. I know. Now it's getting worse. I can't even believe this was even in question at one point. Like, do you have a list? Whoa, whoa. All right.

So, Joey Buena. So much fun to meet you. How old are you? I'm 42. I love it. That's what I was going to guess. I should have fucking guessed it. You look 42.

You're right on pace. You're right on pace. Absolutely. Right on pace. Joey Buena, everybody. There he goes. Come back again, Joey. Joey Buena.

Yeah, I guess so. At least we'll say we are. You guys want to do one more out of the bucket, huh? Oh. Here she is again. Not only does she sanitize everything, she actually hand knits each rag herself in between comedians.

That's not very rice. Too far. Too far. Oh, that's adorable. What a big hand for Janice, everybody. She's a real human being. All right. Adam Lucky.

Adam Lucky. L-U-C-K-E-Y. It's the time of the night, Adam. Here he comes. A nice brisk pace. Yeah, very determined. I don't think he's going to be out of breath at the end of this.

A lot of people make the mistake of doing a light jog. You don't want to be out of breath when you get up here. Nice, steady pace. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Adam Lucky. So believe it or not, I'm actually not Christie trying to get another set in. I do do tarot readings, though, and I am an annoying chubby girl.

So that's fun. I went through a big change recently in my life because I used to live with my mom and now I live with my girlfriend. I didn't move. We just redefined our relationship. That's a joke. We don't live together. We just be fucking sometimes.

I have a girlfriend. She's cool. She's the breadwinner of our relationship. She doesn't make more money than me. She gets a lot of yeast infections. She's cool. We do kiki stuff in the bedroom. The other night, I gave her a Cosby CK.

That's when I jerk off in front of her while she's asleep. Thank you, guys. Fuck yes. Adam Lucky. Boom. That's how it's done. Right there. Using everything to your advantage.

Welcome. Welcome, sir. Hi. You're a great comedian. How long have you been doing it? Just had four years recently. Four years. All of it here in Austin, Texas?

No, I actually moved from Seattle with Rice and Chris. Wow. That is crazy. There's so many names in this bucket. Meanwhile, there's a theme. The only person that didn't have a roommate here tonight was Edward. And I know for a fact, he does not have any roommates.

That is absolutely incredible. No real ones. Let's see. Michael shook his head on that one. I love it. I love that there's someone here who's still like a good person. We haven't tainted him. Watch.

Six months from now, Michael will be making. He'll have his own microphone. Michael. Get this cunt off stage. Just kidding, Michael. You won't make a dirty word joke like that. Look how hard the bands laugh. I love it.

I love it. So Adam, welcome, welcome to the show. Four years. Just a real, real, real using references that the audience knows. Timing beats, real jokes. Absolutely incredible. Thank you. How do you explain yourself being this good at this a few years in?

I got pretty lucky early on. That's not a pun. I won a comedy competition. I got like regular weekend work for like a year. Sweet. That's exactly a way to do it. I started real deadpan but hosting shows. I had to change my game up a little bit.

That's 100% and be the real you. That's so fun. So tell us more about you. How old are you? I am 28. 28. Do you really live with a girlfriend? My fiance, actually.

Oh, okay. That's fun. When are you getting married? It was going to be this year, but we pushed it back to next year. It's just because of COVID. Right. That makes sense. And you originally from Seattle?

No, originally from all over. I was in a military family, but we lived in Texas for most of the time. Okay. Very cool. How about your girl? What does she do? She actually worked at a comedy club in Washington. Perfect.

She lost that and we had to leave. Right. Was that what? The Parlor Live? Tacoma Comedy Club. Oh, I love Tacoma Comedy Club. God damn it. We were actually, I think that was like the last place we were supposed to be.

They did not want to cancel that show. No. They were the last ones. It was like the week of and everything in the country was closed. And for some reason they didn't want to give everybody their money back. The tickets was so bizarre. Sorry, Tacoma Comedy Club. But you did that.

Are they even open anymore? Yeah, they're a burger restaurant. Oh, perfect. So they're doing their selling burgers. Yeah, they almost tried to fuck over all the Kill Tony fans. It was very bizarre. I almost had to freak out. Yeah.

I had tickets to that actually. Did you ever get your money back? No. Oh yeah, I did actually. I did. Yeah, they did. But my fiance worked there, so that probably helped. Right.

Fun, fun, fun. So now here you are. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Rattle off some things that you love about this place. Comedy scene's pretty good, honestly. All the shitty comics aren't doing comedy right now because of COVID. That's nice. Yeah.

You ever been to Taco Cabana? Yeah. It's not good. Right. It's bad. It's like the Del Taco of Texas, right? Is that what it is? I think so.

That's the vibe I'm getting. Some people were very angry when it was mentioned earlier. So yeah, tell us more about Austin. The comedy scene, sure. But what else? What do we need to try? Red Band and I are two of the newest residents. Have you guys been to Stiles Barbecue yet?

That's fucking good. It's the best barbecue here, in my opinion. Whoa, that's very controversial. I'll write it down. Those are hard words, bro. Hard words. I mean, I've barely been here. I've tried like five places.

That's my favorite so far. You can't say that. I said my opinion. You can't say that either. He's mad. I'm just kidding. I don't want to have a barbecue conversation with a black person. Whoa.

This is true. I don't know. And I'm getting punched in the face. This is true. I would not get into an argument with keys about this. I would not. So what else, man? Tell us more about you.

Any other hobbies other than stand-up comedy? Anything fun about you? I sort clothes with Chris. Get the fuck out of here. My God, that is crazy. I got him the job today. You started today. No, I got him the job.

He started today. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. Yeah, it's us and a bunch of Mexican women. And we look terrifying. That sounds about right. Jeez, Louise.

Are you as good as the Mexican women at that job? No. No, they're very fast. Yeah, they probably triple my speed, I'd say. But they're making three times less than me. Right. And they're three times more likely to get the coronavirus as well. It's fucked up.

For you. That is true. There's one very angry Latino woman in the house. Ay, ay, ay. All right. Adam, any other fun facts about you that we'd find interesting about your family or life? I was really addicted to painkillers.

Yeah, tell us about that. Lost a lot of weight. Almost died. Wow. What painkiller? What's the... Can you get it on Amazon? It's one of the weak ones.

I just had unlimited access to it. It was tramadol. I was taking like 50 to 60 a day, though. So... Oh, shit. You're 60. I just had unlimited access to it. So...

What were you doing during that period of your life? What was an average day like then? I was working a door-to-door sales job. So it was just me being a zombie. What were you selling? Windows and siding for housing. Oh, that's unreal. We've seen a few people like that.

It's a real con job, right? Yeah. Well, most houses already have sides and windows. So... It's never anybody really in need. If you ever break a window and then be like, Hey, crazy. I was just walking by.

I'll tell you a new fucking window. Adam, I love it. Where'd you meet your girlfriend at? She saw me perform at the comedy club, actually. Yeah. Look at you. Did you banger that first night? Yes.

Wow. How'd that go down in the green room? She doesn't remember it, so... Geez. Christ. Adam, you know what, man? I really liked your set tonight. I got...

I got a show. I got a show Friday at the Vulcan. I would love to have you do a quick spot if you would like it. Fuck yeah. I would love it. Whoa. Look at that. Absolutely.

Adam Lucky getting a booked spot at the Vulcan this upcoming weekend. Yeah. I'm trying to have death squad shows every week, eventually out here. First ones this Friday. Thank you. Thank you so much, man. Just a quick spot.

Look at that. Adam Lucky, everybody. Thank you guys. Got Lucky tonight and perform great. Follow him, underscore Adam Lucky. L-U-C-K-E-Y. Adam Lucky. All right.

I don't know. I think maybe. You guys think we should just do one more real quick, huh? I think the people want it. One quick. We really shouldn't. We should... We should stop, but this will be the last one.

All right. This actually rings the bell. I think this person was up last week. Let's see what happens here. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Trevor Williams. Here we go. Trevor Williams from Sunbury, Ohio. Yeah, he was on last week.

We should end the show. Where is he? Here he comes. Here comes Trevor Williams from Sunbury, Ohio. With a brand new never seen minute here on Kill Tony. This is it. Your final comedian of the night, Trevor Williams, everybody. Fantastic.

I'm a big fan of the show, My Strange Addiction, TLC, The Learning Channel. I don't know what they're trying to teach me, but watching them exploit the criminally insane and handicap brings a lot of joy to my life. And my favorite episode is this balloon guy, right? I don't know what it is about balloons he finds. So sexually appealing, but his house is just full of them. And I'm not saying I'm jealous of the guy,

but there's a simplicity he is living his life with that I'm missing out on completely. Like he's not catching STDs from these balloons. They've never cheated on him. He's never wasted hours of his life scrubbing through Pornhub for that perfect thumbnail he wants to finish to. He just blows up another balloon when it's time to come. Okay.

Damn. Fuck yeah. All right. Trevor Williams, everybody. Trevor Williams, or this is Chris D'Elia's new alter ego. He's trying to make a return as a... Rapist in disguise. Okay, all right.

There you go. I don't know about that, but... Dents. You know what, Trevor? I'm going to be honest with you. You got on last week. We're trying to put a big ribbon on the end of this show, and I just don't know if that's going to do it for us.

And since we interviewed you last week, maybe we'll just... Wait, whoa. What's the look in your eyes? Well, I was going to say I had more to the joke. No, no, no. We don't need more of that joke, guys. No, go ahead.

Go ahead. Finish it. No, no, no, no. Okay, perfect. Great. No, I didn't want to anyway. Perfect. So you know what I'm going to do?

We're just going to say thank you for that minute. And I'm going to pull one more name out of the bucket before we get out of here. There goes Trevor Williams, everybody. Oh, shit. That means we have to switch... What a waste. Man.

What a waste of a microphone on that one, huh? I know. Janice is squirting everywhere. Red band. All right. Here we are. To end tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, let's get good and loud for one last person

who's been waiting in the cold all night. Julian Madrid. Here we go. Julian Madrid. Oh, he hasn't been in the cold. He's been in the audience. Waiting. Hoping.

This is his moment. One more time, everybody. The last time I'll make you clap tonight. Julian Madrid. All right. My goodness. Thank you. Who's into incest porn?

Yeah, right? Somebody's into incest porn, right? Every other video on Pornhub. Brother fuck sister. Brother fuck stepmom. Brother fuck sister stepmom watches. Brother fucks brother. To be fair, that was just two black dudes.

Brother fucks brother. Yeah, look, here's the thing. I don't get the appeal, though. I could never fuck my own family. I could never fuck my own family, simply because I'm already such a disappointment to them. And I'm not about to add sexually inadequate to the list. All right.

In fact, one of my biggest fears is committing incest on accident. And I'll explain. See, I've never met my biological father or any of that side of the family, which means, theoretically, I can be related to any stranger I run into. All right.

So it's terrifying. I play that scenario over and over in my head, right? Like I'm out drinking one night. I'm talking to girls. It's time to wrap up the night. And I just end up fucking my dad. All right, thanks.

All right, Julian Madrid. There you go. He's worried about that. Meanwhile, he just fucked everybody in the room. No, I'm kidding, Julian. You're fine. You're fine. Relax, you seem very defensive about that.

Just relax. What did you say? What the fuck? What's the problem? Are you my dad, right? You have a very serious, serious face. Just the eyebrows. I don't.

Jesus, my God. How long have you been playing organs at haunted houses? Jesus Christ, this guy. My God, you have the face. I'll smile more, Tony. Open the door. That's you. You play that, right?

That was good. I like it. That's good. Very good. Julian, happy Halloween. Every day is Halloween when you look at that face in the mirror. All I need is your jacket, Tony.

What? I'm sorry. How fucking dare you? I know. I shouldn't have even. You see how I dialed it back immediately? Oh, my God. It is wild.

Look at this guy. A face only a single mother could love. I never met my biological father. All right. So, Julian, you're afraid to fuck your family. Let me ask you this. I'm going to go off on a wild guess here. You just started stand-up comedy right now.

No, Tony. I started before the pandemic, but that was like a nine-month off period. That makes sense. Yeah. I'll give you that. So, you just started stand-up comedy right now, basically. You've been doing open mics around town.

That makes me feel better. Yeah, I have been doing them. Yes, sir. Yeah. Have you ever performed in front of an actual audience of this size? No. How did it feel? Counting the viewers at home.

It felt quick. It felt like I was blacked out drunk. No, it was enough time. Just didn't do what I was. I don't know. There's one drunk lady that seems to be keeping her own stopwatch in the middle of the room. That it wasn't enough time.

I'll take it. That was very nice of you. Cat was wrong. No. It's probably plenty. The fuck? It's probably plenty. Regulation timekeeper in the middle.

You know what kind of face he has? He has one of those faces when you go to a carnival and there's a guy that draws you and it exaggerates your face. He looks like a caricature of me. You do, man. Yeah, I get it. Like a cartoon character. No, I know.

It's very interesting. I've gotten it all my life, believe it or not. No, I believe it. Cartoon-y looking face. Definitely. How do you do for that? You do anything? You try to put like ice packs on it or something before you go out?

No, I don't, Tony. You have a girlfriend? I do, yeah. Right. Okay. What, is she like a Pokemon or something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also a caricature, yes.

Really, is she? Really? Are you fucking with us? No. She's Cartoon-y looking too? Oh, yeah. Is she here tonight? Uh-huh.

You want to bring her on stage? Yeah. How many you want to see as Cartoon-y girlfriend? I'm pretty sure there's nothing a girl loves more than being brought up to the fact that she looks Cartoon-y. But here she is. Yeah. Actually, she doesn't look Cartoon-y at all.

Look at this. It's a lot better looking than me, but Cartoon-y nonetheless. She's angry though. I guess I sort of, yeah, that's not what I was expecting. It's us. My goodness. She must have bad eyes or something like that. She is really playing down in Julian Madrid.

Yeah. I love it. She seems adorable, Julian. What, do you have like a monster cock or something like that? Yeah, yeah, Tony, yeah. The carpet matches the drapes as he pulls his dick out. It's just like, oh, yeah, monster, monster. Yeah, like the rest of me.

Just a fucking monster. What's your girlfriend's name? Oh, man. Oh, it's okay. We don't let her speak. Really? You want me to let her? Okay.

What's your favorite thing about Julian? Oh, yeah. What's your favorite thing about Julian? Wow. That's a well. He wakes up every morning very happy. And it's weird because he gets up and he kind of dances around. And then he gets, he just stays naked for like an hour or two.

Really? Yeah. Like every day. Look at that. That is very weird. Mike, you want to guess her name? It's Jillian. Wow.

Okay. Julian and Jillian. Oh, Julian and Jillian. Mm-hmm. Wow. Yep. Mike, goodness. Julian and Jillian.

Yeah. Wow. Mike, goodness. They, you guys look like you're on a commercial for living spaces or something like that. We're moving in together next month. So yeah, shout out living spaces. We, you guys really are. You're moving in with one another?

Yeah. Yeah, we are. We've been together for a while. And now it's after the pandemic and being forced to cohabitate, we're like, fuck it. Let's just get a bigger apartment and move in. Wow. You're going to get her pregnant, aren't you?

I'm going to get her so pregnant. I'm going to get her so pregnant. Yeah. Not in the apartment though. In the woods somewhere. My goodness. That's incredible. So that's fun.

Can we get her out of here now? Can we just- Have you ever tried to reach out to your dad? No. Have you ever tried to find him? You know, my mom, she keeps close to him. She has a, she has his number and everything. But I've had just this weird standoffish like,

there will be a moment one day in time where I think it's the right time to be like, hey dad, it's your boy. How many do you think he should call his father for the first time right now here on the show? You don't have his number right now, do you? You don't want to do it, do you? You know, Tony, if I like it with the keys, this is good. If I could maybe promise you that I won't speak to him or reach out to him until the next time I come up and then I come prepared to do that with his phone number,

I'll meet my dad for the first time on Kill Tony. How about this? You want to, you want to close out next week's episode live here and we'll do that, right? Come up with another minute. We'll do that and then we'll end it with a phone call with your father. How about that? I'm okay with that. Put your hands together for Julian and Jillian, everybody.

Next week, he speaks to his father for the first time in his life here in Austin, Texas on Kill Tony. Ryan J. Ebel drew tonight's episode. We're looking at that drawing right now on the video feed of Kill Tony. Wow. Look at that. Just as rock and roll as it gets. There's the clock, red band with wings, and me with some type of like really cool general outfit or something. Let's go behind us.

RyanJ. Ebel.com for all those prints and the new coloring book and a bunch of other fun stuff. Thank you. How about a hand for Ryan J. Ebel to everybody? And then tonight's drawing live in-house was also done by Chris Rogers, everyone. Here it is. Come on up here, Chris. Chris Drew. Chris drew a scene from the movie Kill Bill.

Different show. Same theme. There it is. That's Uma Thurman and Kill Bill. He drew an entirely different production. That's how talented Chris is. He's on Instagram at Chris Rogers Art. R-O-G-E-R-S Art.

All one word. How about a big hand for Chris, everybody? There goes Chris Rogers. Chris Rogers, Ryan J. Ebel. Guys, you were here live. You got to see the new Kill Tony band. How about a hand for them? John Dees on the keys.

That's a fucking loodily doodily. Follow him on social media at John Kees at J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z. On percussion, Michael Gonzalez. Follow him. Mike A. Gonds, 13. On the drums, Michael Hale. That's him. H-A-L-E.

And on bass, Jimmy Blazer. Follow him at Jimmy Blazer. Everything Jimmy Blazer. Hell yeah. Very fun show. Thanks again to Janice and Yoni from Best Barbecue. Best BBQ show. Yeah.

Hey, and if you're in town and you want to see some comedy this week on Friday and Saturday, I got the Death Squad Secret Show with Secret Guest at the Vulcan. You can go to my website to get all that shit. Thanks, guys. Live audience, thank you so much for coming out Austin, Texas. We'll see you again next week. Thank you.

I love you.