KILL TONY - #490 - JOE ROGAN

Episode Date: January 30, 2021

Joe Rogan, Jon Keyz, Michael Hale, Michael A. Gonzales, Jimmy Blazer, Janice Min, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/01/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey guys, this is Red Ban, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. We're going to be in Phoenix, Arizona. The return of Kill Tony at Stand Up Live, February 5th and 6th, two shows. This month, go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist.

He draws every episode. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website where you can find his tour dates and all his golden pony stuff at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, go to ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. You want to kill Tony's shirt? You want to hat, t-shirt, mug, ShopSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Ban, coming to you live from AdTones in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Hello, everybody. Good evening. Welcome. We're in Austin, Texas.

We're all here together. Make some noise, everyone. It's here. There's a microphone there. There's Brian Redbans here. Hey, everybody. Look at him. He brought Uncrustables with him tonight.

I did. He was eating Uncrustables when we were setting up the show, like a real grown-up. You have to have an emergency crustable. If you haven't had breakfast, lunch, or dinner, you got to do it all at once, two crustables. That's what the doctors say, I believe. And how about a big hand for the band, everybody? That's a real band. That's a real band right there.

Amazing. How do you feel, Brian? I feel great. I had a great, long day. It was on JRE today. I did a nice four-hour podcast, but it was an awesome show with a lot of fun. Yeah, absolutely. Another beautiful day here in Austin, Texas.

Love it. Just like you guys, we're all like the same types of people here now. The great Ryan J. E. Belt is here, drawing the episode all the way from Los Angeles. I'm sure if you guys are real fans of the show, you've probably already picked up a print or perhaps bought the brand new Kill Tony coloring book. What kind of podcast has a coloring book? The one that you're at right now. You can go to ryanjeebelt.com and pick those up, real live coloring books.

Big hand for our barbecue guy, Yoni, making barbecue for us. He's the best barbecue show on the internet. Big Austin resident, researches barbecue and knows thousands of the best places. His show is actually doing really well on the charts also for a podcast about barbecue, especially Texas barbecue. It is the best barbecue show. We have John Dees on the keys tonight. John Dees on social media, John Keyes, J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z.

Michael Gonzalez on drums at Mike A. Gahn's 13. Matt Mueling on guitar, everybody, right there, this young NBA coach, Matt Mueling. And guys, how about a big hand for D. Madness on the bass? Let him hear you. Because that's all he really can do is hear you, everybody. I'm excited. We have some fun things up our sleeve for this episode, and I'm pretty pumped about it. Bunch of people signed up, fun stuff coming up, but before we get into all that, how about

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a buy one, get one, 50% off deal. Once more, that's promo code K-T-50 for buy one, get one, 50% off. Hempiredirect.com, or download the Hempire Direct app and use the code K-T-5-0. Now let's get back to the show, and we're back, everybody. You guys excited to start tonight's show? So much fun to catch you guys up. Maybe some of you weren't here last week, but we had a young man who we found out at the end of the episode before that that he didn't have a father, and that he's never

talked to his father, and he's never spoken to his father once in his entire life, but he did have his father's phone number. So we said that the next week he can call his father and do a new minute, and we want to hear him talk to his father for the first time in his life. We figured why not do it on a podcast. So he came up last week, and he did a new minute. It was better than the minute before, and then he tried to call his father live on this show in this room one week ago, and his father did not pick up.

Yeah, it was a big letdown, because the whole show built up to that. So I told him, we'll try again next week. We'll do a new minute, and we'll try to call his... How many of you would like to see a young man talk to his father for the first time? I know John D's on keys, does. So yeah, that's going to happen. A lot of fun stuff. We actually have Yoni helping out.

Yoni, why don't you come up here and take a bow for these people? This is who's going to be helping us out tonight. This is Yoni from Best Barbecue Show, everyone. Look at him. Maybe as... Wait, come up here. Yoni, take a bow. Take off your mask for a second so these people can see that.

Look at that, everybody. Look at that. Look at him. What are you facing out there, Yoni? We're stalling for time right now. We have a special treat we're stalling for, so I'm going to make fun of Yoni for a bit. You guys have anything that you would say? How would you make fun of Yoni?

I mean, that's definitely a cross between Mario and Wario. That's like a... That's true. That's true. He looks like a buff version of the My Pillow guy. That's good. What do you think he looks like, D-Madness? Not a whole lot.

Feel that sick burn from D-Madness. Yoni, how does this make you feel? I love being on stage. I love it. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? No, I've signed up a few times, though. Oh, really? You did?

You signed up for this show? Yeah, I signed up for this one, too. You have a minute that you'd like to do on this show tonight? Yeah. All right, you know what? Why don't we just... Well, we're stalling for time here. Why don't we have Yoni?

How many of you would like to see Yoni make his stand-up comedy debut here on Kill Tony? Everybody else, we're going to pull out of the bucket tonight. But let's hear a minute from Yoni, everyone, to start the show. How about a big hand for Yoni, everybody? So, I got kicked out of a kid's party last week. I went to a play date with a girl I was seeing. She's a single mother. And they were all playing Nerf when I got there.

So I loved Nerf, so I was running around shooting with the kids. I got a little too into it. It was kind of like Sesame Street versus John Wick. And so I was like, okay, kids, I shot one in the neck. I was getting a little too serious. I was, you know, taking a little extra shots when they were on the ground. And so I decided I'm going to sit down and have a beer and relax. Well, one of the kids was a real sore loser, and he just came up and whacked me right on

the head with a Nerf gun. And I was like, fuck, and I pushed him. But all the parents were watching sports, so they didn't see the part where I got hit. They just saw the part where I tossed an eight-year-old across the room. And so I'm sitting there rubbing my head. They're yelling. They're screaming. He's crying.

And they're like, are you going to apologize? And I was like, apologize, he hit me first. I like dating single mothers. Their kids are usually pretty spoiled. This one time the kid said, mom, hungry salad. I was like, I can do that. Hey, horny blowjob. Yoni did it.

Yoni, Yoni's helping us out tonight. I thought that was great. I think that's one of the funniest sets from an abusive pedophile I've ever heard in my life. Absolutely incredible, Yoni. Yoni's going to be helping us out all night. What did you think about Yoni's first ever set? Dude, it didn't seem like your first set. That seemed great, man.

He seemed very comfortable on stage. I got a little help. Yeah, for a guy that eats barbecue all the time. You were good. You were composed. You kept your breath amongst you. It seemed like you have some timing to work on, maybe some comfort. But I think it was good.

What do you guys think? That's it. That's Yoni, everybody. Yoni's helping us out tonight. You're going to see he's going to come up. He's going to come down. You might be wondering why I'm sitting so close to Brian Redband. There's an entire table here and we're excited to announce that this is the first show here in Austin,

in which we're going to have a guest. You guys like special treats? You're going to love this one. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, one of our best friends, one of the biggest podcasters and comedians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, Austin resident, Joe Rogan. Oh, boy. Yes.

Joe Rogan is back on Kill Tony. Welcome, welcome, my friend. Dude, look at us. We're here in Texas. We just took the show on the road, bitch. Hell, yeah, we did it. We are. We've been having fun here.

This is what our fourth episode here at Antones Fun Times. And we're excited. We're excited to have you. Brian and I did a four hour ridiculous podcast today. Yes, I barely have a voice. There was like four or five times. We didn't know what the fuck we were talking about. Like, what are we saying?

You're like, oh, it's amazing. He told me the space shuttle suit that you guys wore made him sweat. Oh, yeah. We had the weird ones that are like heat insulated, like the kind that hikers use when they get lost in the woods. Those silver blankets. So we were just sweating.

You would think a guy that only eats on crustables for his meal. Be able to help his sweat. But no, we just we're doing it, Joe. We have a bucket just like we did in Los Angeles. A little bit of a poil joke. No, it was really just about like sweat, like cardio, like him being overall generally extremely unhealthy. Oh, come on.

But he's rona free, bitch. Yeah, you got it. You caught it. That's true. My body uses peanut butter and jelly and no crust to help fight corona. There you go. We're going to have to look into that.

We're going to see what the studies say. But no, we have a bunch of people that signed up. You guys know how it works. If I pull your name out, if you signed up on the way in, if you had the courage, then you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time's up and you hear the sound of a kitty. That's what that sounds like. Wrap it up then.

Or else you're going to bring out the angry fashion district bear or something like that. Something like that. Oh, no, no. It's warehouse district bear. Remember that. Warehouse district. That's what it is.

Different things here? Yeah, we always go with what the gay part of the neighborhood is. But Austin doesn't tell us what their gay part of town is. Everybody's always like, we don't even have one. No, they have a good one. Do you know what it's called, man? It's rainbow flags all over the place.

They're not selling leprechaun shit. Those are gay dudes. Forest street. These fucking guys know. Look at this table. You know how I know? I was looking at a building that was on one side, and they were like, that's the gay side.

I'm like, what? You guys have sides? Like they don't even have a neighborhood. They have like a gay side. Like don't buy on that side. That's the gay side of mine. Yeah, but I mean, if you buy on the straight side, that means you look out, and all you see is gay stuff

all the time. Good point. It's almost better to buy on the gay side and just look out and be like, oh, I live in such a beautiful, straight neighborhood. That's not the concern. The concern is people getting confused and not knowing what kind of business you have. Coming in there slinging dick.

And you're like, hey, we're selling jokes here. Can't come in here looking for dick, right? The gay side stinks. It's not that bad to go looking for dick. What do you mean the gay side stinks, Brian? It's got a humidity to it. But it smells like ass. Oh, it's the same environment.

You're rude. I can't believe I'm on this show with you. So you guys ready to start this thing or what? Huh, I got the bucket. I'm going to pull a name out. And someone's going to walk to the stage. Guys outside that are waiting to potentially get up don't run. These people end up out of breath.

Everyone sprints like it's the price is right. You have to talk for a minute afterwards. All right, your first comedian, Austin or Texas resident. Ladies and gentlemen, Thomas Penza or Pazza or Purza. Thomas, oh, he's right here. One minute uninterrupted. Here he is. Thomas Penza, everybody.

What's happening people? Can you hear me all right? Nice. So I just moved here. I'm setting up a home gym in my apartment. I was at Dick's Sportingers the other day. I found an adjustable weight kettlebell. I was like, all right.

I looked at the package and just said it was 120 pounds. I'm like, maybe I should buy a few of the little pink ones first. But I said, no, you know what? I'm going to do what our ex-president would have done. I just grabbed the box. I didn't even ask anybody. I get this thing to the front of the store.

There's like eight people in line, two cashiers. Three minutes later, I'm looking like Scooby Doo the first time he sees a ghost. Like. I get this thing home. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to do a 25 minute workout with the kettlebell set to bitch

because that's all the energy that I have left. And I actually felt pretty good until the next morning. When I woke up and my back felt like Geoffrey Epstein's after a fun filled day at Chuck E. Cheese. Just, Jelaine, call my chiropractor. I don't care if she's at school. All right, Thomas, Penza, is it Pazza, Penza? What's that?

Penza, yeah. Penza. You should join the marine sun right now. Start doing squats, eat some buffalo meat. You got to do something different than what you're doing. We're going to switch it up. I just started out. It's a new home gym.

How long have you been doing it? How long you been doing it for? Start drinking whiskey. Home gym or comedy? The what? The comedy, man. The comedy. It looks like you haven't been doing much of either,

by the way, but. You're right. How long you been doing comedy? Two years, two years. Two years? My goodness. You know, you can't say I'm still just starting. Two years is like.

Well, we had 10 months of a pandemic where I couldn't like perform in front of people. So it's, you know. All right, well. So two years, two years overall, or two years for the first time you start. So 10 month breaks. Really just a year and a couple months.

Not long enough to not know, to not do a Scooby-Doo impression in the middle of the set. That's typically a three, I've been doing it three weeks type of experience. And you do a joke like that. You realize, wow, nobody reacted to that. I should probably never do that again. It was a very bad millennial joke.

I understand that. Were you nervous? Were you nervous? Very nervous, yeah. Well, yeah. Is it the most nervous you've ever been doing stand up? No, the first time, I moved here from Boston in September. Wow, normally people from Boston are hilarious.

I know. It's crazy how many good comedians are from Boston. And then you, here we are finding out that Thomas Penza balances the scales for Boston. It's like, ah, they got Bill Burt, but they also have Thomas Penza. Now go ahead, Thomas. Tell us more about this trip from Boston.

So yeah, it was a very similar experience out there. My first time on stage, I ate total shit for four minutes. So that was, you know, to be expected. What's the best time you've had? What's your favorite set ever? I don't know, probably my second set, because I ate less shit. It was better than that first one. But yeah, I don't know.

I enjoy the craft, you know what I mean? I enjoy writing and trying to figure out different material. That's good. Maybe arts and crafts is your thing then. It seems to be, if you're into the crafts part, perhaps you can make Easter baskets for everyone or something like that. Why would Epstein's back hurt more after a day at Chuck E. Cheese?

Because he was banging all those kids. It's a pedophile joke, bro. I know, but just because he wouldn't, in fact, if he was at Chuck E. Cheese, he wouldn't be banging people. Then you can't bang people in at Chuck E. Cheese. He might be in a ball pit doing some weird stuff. I don't know. You wrote your bit kind of like with hashtags,

like Chuck E. Cheese, Panera Bread, like everything was different. Epstein, what else is big in the news right now? Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo, yes. Super topical. Did you try it out on one of your friends, ladies and gentlemen? I don't know.

Did you try it out on any of your friends? No. No. We could tell. They would have said, Scooby, don't do that again. What kind of kettlebells did you end up getting? So I bought a, it was like a Bowflex adjustable wing. So it was 8 to 40 pounds of like six settings in between.

You put it together, you're like, I'm exhausted. It took two minutes, and I was tired, yeah. Wow. My goodness. What else, Thomas, what have you been doing? What do you love about Austin, Texas? Everything, basically. I've been involved in the poker industry for 10 years now.

So I came here as a poker dealer, because everything else is closed in the Northeast. I was working at Encore Boston Harbor, the casino out there before the pandemic. So anything crazy ever happened when you're out there dealing poker that we should know about? Is there anything about that industry that you want to share with us? Not too much about my job.

It was pretty, pretty regular. I played professionally for a while. I played professional poker for about a year. So OK. Were you better at that than stand up? I would like to think so. I would like to think so. Yes.

Wow. My goodness gracious. What's your love life like, Thomas? I'm single right now. I've had a few, you know, a few. Don't say shocker. I had a few Tinder hookups. But besides that, you know, I'm just.

Congrats on that. Thank you. Oh, yeah, man. Thank you. My goodness. Small amount of success. You have a special move that you use to close these Tinder dates or to open them.

You have a special trick that you can give us some advice on dating. Because if you're getting late on Tinder dates, I'm pretty sure anybody can. So help these people out a little bit. It's very easy. It's very easy. No.

So rude. Just tell them what they want to hear and hope for the best, I guess. Oh, you're a feminist. Male feminists are adorable. Well, Thomas, thank you for getting the show kicked off for us. Thank you, my man.

Fun stuff. There he goes. Biting the bullet for us, Thomas Penza. Good man, Thomas. Good luck. Start taking drugs. Yeah, needs to find himself a deal. Right away.

Get the good ones, too. The real ones. Hell, yeah, one more time for Thomas, everybody. Here's Yoni, here to help. Fresh after what it appears to be. It looks like he just built a children's playground out of wood or something like that. I've got to say, he doesn't clean quite as thoroughly

as the little Asian girl we had here the last two weeks. Pretty quick clean there, just a spray and a wipe. No way the coronavirus could live through this. Massacre, spray and a wipe. All right, pulled another name out. This is a brand new uninterrupted minute from the stylings of Katie Felton, everybody. It's Katie Felton.

It's a long trip from the back. She's coming. I see it. This is Katie Felton making her way to the stage, that side, where there's stairs. That's exciting. How many of you by round of applause have already had the coronavirus?

It's a lot of the crowd. Wow. Yeah. How many of you have it right now by round of applause? OK. Only the gate table. All right, here she is. One more time for Katie Felton, everyone.

Hello. It's come to my attention that I have gained weight. I'm increasingly getting more messages from guys on Tinder asking me if I do kinky shit. If you didn't know, there's a stereotype that bigger girls are freakier. So now I have to lose weight so people know this is missionary position only.

My other option is to gain 500 pounds, so that's the only position I can muster. The choices are tied in my head. I have a small will to live. I watch a lot of movies, but I hate watching any movie where somebody does something and overcomes some crazy circumstance to do something super heroic, because I just think of all the ways

I would have already died. Like if the Revenant were my life, they would have to rename it. If the bear doesn't kill her, she'll do it herself. Like I said, I watch a lot of movies. Documentaries are my favorite. And I can't finish the joke in time. Go ahead, you could finish.

OK. Documentaries are my favorite. And of course, after I'm done watching a documentary, I changed my life completely based on what I just watched. So like Marie Kondo's tidying up, I got rid of all my shit. And it just really makes me wish there was a documentary out there that talked about how

if you go down on a woman for more than five minutes, it helps you build muscle just to see how many bros watch documentaries. OK. Katie Felton. I don't know if I really get that last one. She wants to get her pussy eaten. Yeah.

Pretty straightforward. Right? For more than like two seconds. Gotcha. All right. I got it. Katie, welcome to this show. How long have you been to stand up?

Just about two years. About two years. See how much better it can go for someone doing it two years? This is incredible. I love it. That's great, Katie. I loved your set. You talked about you.

You made fun of yourself. That's all good stuff. Is it true? Did you really gain weight during the pandemic? I did before. Now I'm trying to lose it and get back to where I was. OK. What'd you do?

You bought a bow flex or something like that? No. Everything sold out. I started doing jujitsu, so. Oh, OK. Yeah. You want to fight Brian to the death? Hey, challenge.

Too much yeast for that. Wait, what? What is that supposed to mean? A lot of yeast infections. Nothing, no, no. Disgusting. If you have your kill Tony bingo card out. He's a good guy.

He just takes swings. Yeah, I did that. He's just trying. I love it. So how long have you been doing jujitsu? Not very long. Like 10 months, 11 months? Oh, that's a good amount of time.

Have you tapped anyone out yet? No. Not, I mean, like, not really. And we practice, yeah. So I'm still a white belt. I haven't gotten very far. OK. Keep going.

But both with comedy, too. The stuff about people thinking your freaky is funny. There's something there, for sure. How nervous were you? Really nervous. When was the last time you did comedy? Have you been doing it regularly? Not since the pandemic.

I've done virtual shows. But this was my first time, like, in person for a while. I almost feel like those virtual ones are, like, worse than no show. Oh, yeah, for sure. They really are. It's so weird. Yeah, there's a.

Like, you hear, like, really funny comics talking, and there's no crowd. You're like, stop. Yeah. Stop doing that. It's so bizarre. It's just weird. But you're funny.

You got some potential. Have you been doing it only in Austin, Texas? Yes. Right. Is this where you were born and raised? No. I'm from Orange County, California, originally. Oh, OK.

How'd you end up out here? Was living in New York and hated it. So had friends that lived here and moved out here. OK. Very cool. Very cool. Don't tell anybody about this place. I know, right?

You're the one telling everybody. Shhh. We have plans, but we're going to get it to a certain level, and then we're going to cut off the border. So, Katie, you've been doing it two years here in Austin. Right? Do you notice that a lot of comedians hit on you and stuff like that?

Not at all. Really? Wow. That never happens? No. Why do you think that never happens? I don't know. I am quiet, so I don't really talk to anybody.

And then, I don't know, maybe I have a resting bitch face. Oh, OK. I guess so. Our stoic don't know insecure face. I don't know. You've got to hang out later when the comedians get drunker. They stop caring about things like that. I love it.

So, where's good places to perform? I really like, now I'm on the spot so I can't think of anything, but castros and like what? You know what, I have a better question. You said you gained weight here. What are the best places to eat in Austin, Texas? Everywhere. The queso.

That's what gets you is you get queso. That's what gets you is you get queso at every place, and then that adds like a million pounds. Preach. Absolutely right. Bob's queso at Matt's El Rancho is sometimes I wake up dreaming about it. You ever have that, Bob's queso?

I like queso blanco, so like curvy quesos, my jam. Wow. How come the rest of the world hasn't figured queso out? I don't know. I know it's weird. You eat here, and then you go other places, like where the fuck is it? You don't have it?

Do you know about it? You know about it. You're just like, I don't want to be awesome? Yeah, the West Coast just. Why don't we have some delicious shit on our menu? They just put like, the West Coast just puts like cheese on a skillet and fries and burns it, has nothing to do about queso.

They somehow or another don't get it. Like veto? I mean, the Mexicans sort of had it, but then there's this Tex-Mex thing. It was like the Texans are like, we could do better. What about a brick of El Vida and just melted down? We'll just call it Mex. They'll buy into it.

I love it. Katie, Katie, Katie, your parents support your comedy dream? Yes. That's cool. What do they do? They're retired now, but my dad is constantly being like, you should put this in your act. And then it's like some meme that he found on Facebook.

And I'm like, I can't do that one. That's so funny. Wow. All right, Katie. Well, thank you so much for coming on. Great set. There she goes. Katie Felton.

She's on social media at K8 E-Felt. She's Kate. She was adorable. Hey, look. Oh, look at that. A lot of extra sprays. The whole front row just got fucking Gallagher. Wow.

An orthodox spray and wipe from Yoni on that one. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Carter Anderson. Carter Anderson. Mr. Anderson. I don't know if I'm seeing movement. Is this Carter? Here he comes.

Wow, the pressure is on. A very slow walk. He told him to walk slow. I didn't say walk slow. He's going the wrong way. Are you Carter Anderson? The stairs are that way. Here he comes, everybody.

How about a big hand for Carter? Zigg Zaggin is way around to the stage. Here's Carter Anderson. All right. Hey, so I want to get a feel for the audience. Has anyone here, we've been in court scene for a while. Have any of you like watched so much porn that you now kind of know Japanese?

Like, just me? Okay. That's cool. I just wanted to. So a couple of years ago, I was homeless. I lived in my car. That's not the bad part. I got a gym membership so that I could shower all day.

That also isn't the bad part. The bad part is when I would go to the showers, to like shower, I would see old men. Old men like to dry their balls in the hand dryer. That's the bad part. That's the part that I didn't care for. That's when I was like, man, I need to get a job.

Hell yeah. Thank you. Exactly a minute. Control from the very beginning. Good job, man. That was great. Thank you, appreciate it. Great, great, great.

How long have you been on stand up? About six years now. That makes sense. Hell yeah, that was great. I've always wondered what it would be like to see Urkel on HGH. It's incredible. I mean, you are a big man.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a big dude. Thank you. I love it. Hell yeah. I've noticed. How tall are you just for the listeners? Six foot five. Wow.

Massive, massive size, cool sort of nerdy. Yeah. I don't even know if Carter knows what that's. He doesn't. That's the Migos. Baking soda. That's a rap group called the Migos. Oh, okay, okay.

Yeah, I had no idea before. Right, exactly. I had a feeling. Do you remember Carter? We actually met Carter Saturday night at the show. Yeah, that was a great show. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, that's fun.

So Carter, how long have you lived in Austin? Been out here for about a year and a half now before that was in San Antonio. Have you got the Roni yet? No, not yet. Maybe tonight's your night. If I meet the special person, like maybe, you know. I don't know, I don't think people that are six five

can even get it because they're like elevated above everybody's sneezes and everything. It seems like it's a shorter man's disease. Very good point. Me and Joe would disagree with that. Well, he hasn't got it either though. Tony got it, he's all right. None of it makes sense.

It's true. Yeah, it doesn't make sense at all. Some get it, some don't. Are you worried about it? Not really, no. Do you have any pre-existing conditions? No, not that I don't. Last time you had to go to a hospital, what was it for?

Oh, yeah. Go ahead, come on, give it to us. It was, it was, I don't wanna, okay. It was for a hemorrhoids, all right? Hemorrhoids. Yeah. Oh, damn, look at that. And now we all know.

You went from family matters to family splatters. You know what I'm talking about? Why'd you go to the hospital for that though? Like what happened? What was it at the hospital? I just like went to like a doctor's appointment and they were like, oh yeah, it's fucked up down there. You need to, need to get that, need to get that.

What did you have to do for that? Do they like, do they like fuck with you? Do they like make you get on all fours or something like that? Like, how do they check that? They go missionary position on that? Like lay stuff? Yeah, it was missionary.

Really? Wow. Lift your legs up real high? Yeah, yeah, as high as I could get them, they were like, yeah. Then what, I'd imagine a guy like you in that position, they have to lift up like all your junk and stuff like that, right?

I've heard about the, He's got his pants off just so you know. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, how much blood do you have to see before you go to the doctor? I mean, I don't know, like a, When you're dealing with hemorrhoids, like there's a moment where you're like,

like about a court, you know? Maybe this is real. Yeah, yeah, you start liking it, honestly. Yeah, after a certain amount, yeah, you gotta take that shit seriously. It's a big deal. When I went, they told me it's not a big deal. Like they said, we could take a rubber band

and tie it off so it falls off and dies, and you owe this, or you could just live with it. Red band, what the fuck, man? Who does, who does fix it yourself, DIY hemorrhoid? No, no, no, that's not, that doesn't come safe at all. I think they were talking about your balls. No. That's what they do when guys wanna get rid of their balls.

Right, they do the same thing. It's called like rubber band litigation or something like that. What? Are you serious? You remember that? Yeah, I got it. I think he's telling the truth. Oh my God, rubber band litigation.

It's liver, I don't think it's liver. But no, like what they do is they tie a rubber band around if it's an internal one, and then after like a few months, you have to go back and do it a couple more times. But the first time I had it done, it was so painful. I was like, fuck, what happens if I don't come back? And he's like, well, you can just live

with having an internal hemorrhoid. And after a while, you just get used to the blood, and it's fine. Oh my God. Red Band has like a retainer on his asshole that needs to get adjusted. You tighten my rubber bands, please. I'm going through serious litigation right now.

Carter, tell us something that we'd be surprised to know about you. Okay, one time I tried to buy a Mini Cooper. I tried to buy a Mini Cooper, and they said, they said no. Like it was right after that movie, the Italian job had come out with Mark Wahlberg or whatever. And like, so I thought that'd be some cool shit. And I went in there and the receptionist,

who doesn't even sell cars, was just like, nah, baby, we don't have any Mini Coopers for you. You're not Mini at all. You can't, you can't come here and buy cars like. Wow, that's wild. And then later I bought a Ford Escort, so I don't know, like. I would have taken you as the type of guy to buy an Escort. That makes complete sense to me.

Have you ever been with a prostitute before? No, I have not, no. Have you? Jesus, good question. Way to spin it around, but again, no, I'm with you, Carter. Why? Maybe that's how you can get the role now. Maybe you can kill two birds with one stone.

I don't know if I want to get it that way. Yeah, so you feel shame and you're sick in bed for a few days afterwards and be amazing. Could be the move. Well, these are all suggestions, you know. You have a girlfriend, Carter? I do not, no. Oh, OK.

Why wouldn't they let you buy a Mini Cooper? I'm still confused. Just because they saw how big I was and they were just like, nah, this isn't, that wouldn't work. Mark Wahlberg is only like a four foot nine, so they let him drive one. Those Mini Coopers have, you know, the seat goes back. It does?

Yeah, you can get it on. Oh, well, maybe now. Now I bet they'd let me. You could fit in that. I don't think it's good. I didn't understand what you were saying. I don't think it's because you were tall. I just haven't seen a black guy in a Mini Cooper

in my entire life. It's not really a black thing. There's no like hanging with Mini Cooper, you know. Maybe they weren't just being racist. Maybe they were. They're trying to help you out, probably. You don't want one of those cars. Those are dope little cars.

You ever driven one? Duncan used to have one. I didn't like it. Yeah. Did you drive it? Yeah. They're fun, man. It's like a little go kart.

Don't tease this man on stage. He's never driven one. It's John Dees over there. Sorry. Not trying to be mean. Well, we appreciate your set, Carter. You took the show to a new level here tonight. Carter Anderson, everybody.

Thank you so much, guys. Thank you. He's at Mr. Carter Anderson online. There he goes. Carter Anderson. There he goes, Carter. Oh, I thought that was one shot at first. And there he is.

From Mini Cooper to Mario Kart. Yoni back. All right. How about Colin Fullstad? Colin Fullstad is next on this episode of Kilt Tone. Live in Austin, Texas at Antones Nightclub. So far, we've had all new people, which has been crazy the last three weeks.

We've had a lot of the same people. Yeah, the bucket's been tricky so far. This show seems to be getting better and better. You guys having fun out there? You get it? Here he is. One more time for Colin Fullstad. What's up, everybody?

So I've been working on this new food delivery app, where we only deliver past midnight. And we contact you. It's called Foodie Calls. Just get that late night text you up. And we start sending you pictures of food. Call them dish picks. This is Shark Tank, right?

That's why Joe Roggens here, right? I've been calling Fullstad. Thank you very much. That's funny, dude. Oh, yeah. Colin Fullstad. Stop, dude. 42 seconds of one bit thunder and lightning.

You look like a guy who would take selfies at the storming of Capitol Hill. That's funny. Absolutely. I believe he was wearing buccaneer horns the last time we saw him. You look like it. Are you part of any groups or gangs or...

Any tattoos on your stomach? No, no, just hair. What kind of groups and gangs are you involved with? You seem like you could be anywhere from motorcycle to bird scooters. Right in between. I'm a skateboarder. I'm too fat now, but I used to do that.

Really? I guess that's a gang? I don't know. Wow. You got too fat for skateboarding? I didn't know it was a thing. I mean, it is. You need balance, man.

We once had a fat skateboarder on this show. Remember that kid? Was he fat in the beginning, though? Because that's different. He learned with the fatness. Yeah, we had the fat guy in Columbus, Ohio. Yeah, he's skateboarding. You don't think you could relearn?

I tried to start this summer. I'm like, okay, but... It seems like you would keep going right because your stomach is leaning over and it just would naturally take you. Yeah. It is a problem. How long have you lived in Austin?

A little over four years. Okay, where'd you move from? Minnesota. Oh, wow. That's why you look like a Viking. I'm wearing purple for a reason. That's right. They still have a chance.

The Super Bowl's only a couple weeks away. Yeah, still hoping. I love it, man. Did you play any sports in your life other than skateboarding? Yeah, I used to play soccer and football until my older brothers made fun of me. Until the what?

My older brothers made fun of me for playing sports. Oh, do they still make fun of you? No. Well, you showed them. Yeah. You murdered them. They're still alive.

They made fun of you for playing sports? Yeah. What did they want you to do? Smoke weed and listen to rock music and skateboard. It's like the opposite of most kids' lives. I was bullied by the kids that were bullied. Okay.

Yeah. I like that. What do you do for work, Colin? Work at like a brewery pub place. It's a restaurant. Brewery. Hell, yeah. I don't want to say the name.

Okay, that's okay. What does it rhyme with? Stein Mouse. Oh. They know what it is. Heck, yeah. All right. What do you do there?

You the brewmaster or something? Yeah. No. They wouldn't let me brew anything. No. I just, I'm like a front of house lead. That's right. They let me lead it though.

Really? Yeah, dude. You're one of the first things that people see when they walk in? Yeah. I put my hair up though. It's usually tied up. One of my work.

More professional. Okay. Okay. What do you do? No, sir. Wow. What do you, how do you put it up? Like in a bun or something?

Yeah. All right. You ever do like pigtails or anything like that? No. To go with you. How much do they have to pay if you have to show up at work every day with pigtails? Yeah, I mean.

I think they'd go great with you. It wouldn't take that much of a raise. I think they'd go great with your pig body. I think you should do it. All right, forget it. That should be your look. Nobody would ever forget you. You're the pigtail guy.

I mean, I don't know if I want that as a reputation, Joe. The guy known for his pigtails. Has anybody ever done stand-up in pigtails? I mean, there's not a lot of like uncharted ground. That's true. That might be your thing. I don't know, man. Amy Schumer did it with a pig body.

Oh, there you go. I did it again. You see that? Boom. I didn't get it in. And then I didn't get it in. And then I got it in wrong. And then I fucking repackaged it.

No. No, he did it. We did it. I finally got that fucking pig body. Oh, Colin, what would we be surprised to know about you? That you've read a book before? Anything like that? I've barely done that before, actually.

No. What's a fun fact about you that would surprise us? I guess I'll just do it to myself. I used to rap. I used to freestyle all the time. Please, for the love of God. You got to give us something. God damn it.

D's has a beat for you right over there. All right. Let's fuck it. How many do you want Colin to rap for you right now? No. All right. You bastard, dude. All right.

Fuck it then. Yeah. Yo. Yo. You can only be so white. This is the mic. My life. I spit so cold.

You don't even fucking know. Rip the microphone out of control. I'm going out of the zone. I keep smoking on bowls or brains broken. I keep flowing. They go in. They notice my flow's potent. You can't stop.

You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't stop.

You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't stop. you can't stop. I know the flow's poet.

You can't stop with the options. I'm talking off of the top of the brain. That's all you get. That's all I'm going to say. Wow. Look at that. The crowd goes wild. Good job, dude.

It was one other thing. I was like, oh, oh, oh. Fuck. You might be thinking that's gay sex. No, that's Tom's cigar after breaking his arm and leg at this same time. Is that it? All those noises? All those noises one more time.

It's Tom. Somebody should mix that into a song, right? Absolutely. It's the only sound that very rarely do I ever hit red band up and go, hey, we need to isolate this sound. But when I saw the video, I immediately. Yeah, it didn't sound like him. It sounded like the Wizard of Oz major.

It's really wild. He keeps making that noise. He's stuck in one position because one arm is flapped over him backwards. Right about at the end there. That's when Bert is readjusting his actual arm for him. Hell yeah. So you rap, man. That's incredible.

I don't do it very much anymore. Hell yeah. What was your rap name? Was it like Stone Thugs and Harmony or something like that? No. It was dopamine. Wow. All right.

I guess I sort of get it. That's not bad. Yeah. No, not bad at all. All right. You're funny, dude, man. That was very funny. Hell yeah, man.

Great set. Great everything. Thanks for the interview. Colin Fullstab. Thank you. Thank you, gentlemen. Yelp your night. How fun.

Amazing. How much better the comics are this week? That was funny. Wow. Hell yeah. You're lucky, man. You could have been here last week. Keep coming back.

How about one more hand for Colin, everybody? There he goes. We're doing it. Your next comedian. We're going to see if it keeps getting better. The pressure is on. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Wow.

There he is. Uh-oh. Fresh from eating mushrooms and going through sewer tunnels. Charles Adams. Charles Adams is next on Kill Tony. Here comes Charles Adams. Charles Adams making his way to this stage. Cutting through.

We had an actual homeless guy on last week. We don't even know how he signed up, but he got up. Oh, shit. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Charles Adams. What's up? Well, fuck y'all there. Uh, yeah, I ain't got that much time, but I just want to let you guys know that I am from Austin, born and raised.

Thank you. I come from a really big family. I'm the youngest of 15 kids. 15 kids. I know. My dad didn't believe in condoms and his pullout game was weak. I'm done. You know what I'm saying?

I love my dad. You know what I'm saying? Everybody right now say, fuck the police. That's what's up. Yeah, my dad was a police officer here in Austin. Yeah. Now for real, I tell people I grew up with police brutality. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. He would come home and like, who left the refrigerator door open like, it was him. That's all I got. Fuck yeah. Welcome to the show, Charles Adams. What's up? Welcome, welcome. Um, I didn't realize that there was such thing as may, may, may back comedy, but, uh, here

we are. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up? Uh, I've been doing it for about 10 years. Oh, awesome, man. Hell yeah. Hell. I mean, just from the, just from the greeting, you had the audience eating out of the palm

of your hand. So just timing wise. I'm not even making a joke. I don't know what the gay table is laughing at right now, but, uh, haha. Twinkle, twinkle. So 10 years, Charles, all of it here in Austin. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. Okay. This is really where you're from. Born and raised. Oh, awesome. Hell yeah. Born and raised East Austin, right down the street. Very cool.

Thank you. Thank you. I still live there too. What, what, what makes it East Austin? What street do you have to go east of to make it East? The 35? Sure. Yeah.

35. You know what I'm saying? I went to about Franklin's just crossover. I know my way around town. See that? East of the 35. I try to avoid that area. Um, you should.

You will probably get killed, Tony. Every time I get, every time I get caught at a red light, people try to squeegee my windows and I try to tell them no, but my windows are 10. That's probably my cousin. It's true. A lot of the people that come up to my car tinted as well that, uh, that try to start. Okay. That's Drake.

That's a different, uh, that's a different, uh, skin tone altogether. Um, so, uh, Charles, what do you do for work? I am a, I just made my fourth year as a teacher assistant for middle school kids. Oh, cool. Look at that. Fuck them kids. What do we teach them? English.

Damn. English. You seem like the kind of teacher that would do some like scared straight type of stuff. Like you ever just scream at the end. Open the books. I love it. How often are you getting up doing stand up? Uh, right now, you know, anytime I can, you know, the, how often is that though?

Oh shit. That's a hard question. Uh, I don't, about twice a week. I don't know. Whatever I can do. Cool. And you said you're the youngest of 15 kids? 15 kids.

Wow. Do you guys do like family reunions and things like that? Yeah. When we have family reunions, you know what I'm saying? We, we run out of parks and shit. Okay. Yeah. We be.

All right. Does everybody in the family sort of look like you? Like, uh, A little black. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Hey, yo, Chris, that's comic to comic son.

I didn't even notice. Good luck. This whole time. I didn't even notice you were black. Thank you. Oh my God. Deep madness saying I did deep from left field. He got,

You guys have any fun family traditions or anything like that? She really, When they give you your birthday cake, do they give you a Kimbo slice? Damn it. Oh, shit. Never gets old. Never gets old. I wrote that joke 12 years ago.

I've been waiting for the right time to use it. Oh my God. My whole life. God damn it. RRP Kimbo. Oh, that's the best Kimbo joke. Damn it. Game over on that.

But seriously, does your family have any interesting traditions or anything like that? Nope. Okay. We get together and we get the fuck out. Is your dad really a cop? Yes. Has he ever like any of your friends ever been arrested by him and try to drop your name?

No. Okay. Hell nah, shit. The motherfuckers when they come to my house for sleepover, they're like, No, your dad always try to check our backgrounds and shit. We can't come over. We can't do it.

We don't like him. We don't like him. Wow. My goodness. Your cop, your cop father had 15 kids. By the end, your mom must have been like, Hands up.

Don't shoot. No, come back on that. Come back. I love it. Wow. So fire. So Charles, what else about you? What else do you do?

You do anything for fun other than stand-up comedy? Really? What the fuck am I doing? I get fucked up sometimes. Oh shit. What do you like to get fucked up on? Shit, whiskey. Why do I say it like that?

Alcohol, yeah. I mean, I dip a little, you know, a little weed. Oh geez, you say it like your father's watching right now. I mean, you know. I love it, Charles. So funny, man. So cool. So smooth.

I love your style. Come back again. Sign up, show us another minute sometime. I appreciate you guys. Charles Adams, everybody. Very funny, man. Very funny. Hell yeah.

We're getting through it today. Yeah, this is fun. So good. Funny comedy. Hell yeah. Pulled another name out here. We're going to let Yoni do some work here. Keep on us safe.

We do what we can here in Texas. It's not like California where you just put boards up outside your business and wait until next year. You guys excited to be out tonight? On a Monday. Who has more fun on a Monday than us? I pulled another name out of the bucket. He goes by the name of Patrick Dapari.

Patrick Dapari. D-E-P-A-R-I. Here he comes. Yeah. Patrick's making his way to the stage. It's a long walk. It's a nice slow walk. Finds me the undertaker who we just did a podcast with.

One more time, guys. Patrick Dapari is here. Thank you. Thank you. I just moved here from Massachusetts. In Massachusetts, they tried to pass this bill last year to ban the word bitch. Ban the word bitch. What do you want me to put my mom in my contact info as mother?

I'm kidding, of course. I deleted my mother's contact info as soon as she died. I did that and then I called 911. Yes, it is true. My mother did die. Not the worst loss, though. You know, one less Florida, Georgia line fan in the world. She always said, you're going to be the death of me.

And then my father was the one to forget to give her meds. Ha ha ha. Wrong again, bitch. Yeah. I actually did a 15 minute comedy set at my mother's funeral. Some people thought that was insensitive. I don't think it was as bad as the TikTok my little sister filmed in front of the casket, though. Yeah.

Shouldn't have died, you stupid cunt. Alright, that's it out of me. Thank you. Wow. Good Lord. My goodness. It's a shame your mom couldn't get up and walk out of that set, but uh... My goodness, did you really hate your mom or you just...

No. You're just using this as like a therapeutic... Yes. Alright. Yeah. No, we had a very tight relationship. She was very cool. Is she even really dead?

No, yeah, she died. Yeah, she's dead. Are you sure? Do we have a special guest, everybody? It says... No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. She's dead, for sure.

No. I was actually the one that found her and I tried to... I failed. Party time. No. Okay. Wow, that's gotta be hard. Not many people on this show's history have found your mom dead before.

What was that like? Was it morning time, afternoon? No, my little brother was the one that found her. He reported the news to me and then... Were you in the house when it happened? Yeah, yeah. She was sick for a while and then my dad texted me and was like, hey, I don't feel good about your mom.

You should go hang out with her. I was like, fine. And I was sitting there hanging out with her. And then she told me to take out the trash and I took out the trash and then my little brother ran up to me and was like, mom's on the ground. Yackety yak. Wow.

My goodness. I don't know how yakety yak fits in there. But wow, that's incredible. So her last words were take out the trash. Did you at least put that on her tombstone or something like that? No. No, I started doing comedy the next week. That was...

Wow. All right. Well, how old are you, Patrick? I'm 22. Awesome, man. God damn, you're so good for 22. Thank you. How long have you been doing it?

Two... Coming up on two and a half years. Two and a half years, absolutely. I started on September 11th, 2018. Wow. You just love tragedies, don't you? Yes. It's incredible.

Yes. I just came down here two weeks ago and on my way down, I stopped at the Virginia Tech just to see it because of the school shooting. And then... You really did? You stopped by there like it's a tourist attraction? It was like one in the morning and these cops came and they were like, what are you doing here?

And I was like, you know, I just wanted to see it. And then I stopped in Dallas at the JFK assassination spot. Jesus Christ. And then I stopped at the Branch Davidian compound. So yeah. Oh my goodness. Any plans for Auschwitz in the near future? I would love to, yeah.

Test the soil. All right. Sorry. My goodness. Wow, Patrick. I love your very frighteningly dark sense of humor. I mean... Hi.

Hi. I thought we've seen a dark sense of humor before, but yours is dark. It's like Charles Adams' family dark. That was the last guy, everybody, squeezing it in. Another racial joke. So Patrick, what ethnicity are you? Dupari is... Italian.

Oh. Yeah. Irish Italian. Okay. All right. What do you do for a living? This right now, I just all I do. I don't have a job.

Have you had a job before? Yeah. I've actually had 17 jobs. Okay. I'm getting HEB energies from you. Am I correct? No, no. They ask you to cut your hair.

You refuse to cut your hair. Yeah. My goodness. Yeah. HEB with their high, high quality standards. I'm telling you. What are some of the 17 jobs? What's the one you like the most?

I worked at a retirement home for a year. Oh, geez. You just love watching people die, huh? My God. Yeah. Writing jokes and finding bodies. Tony, that's my thing. Yeah.

All right. Enjoy it. Okay. Get Brody out of here. That's so sad. All right. All right. Patrick, any fun hobbies or anything that you like to do when you're not doing stand-up?

No. I make a comedy series on YouTube called Living with a Sped. It's a comedy. I actually sent it to all three of you on Instagram. Okay. And none of you have opened it. I don't. Oh, yeah.

It was great. It was amazing. Yeah, we loved it. We've been looking for you, actually. Yeah. We've been trying to track you down. We watch everybody's YouTube videos that they send to us. Yeah.

I love it, man. So how's your father? When did your mom pass away? When was that? April 2018. Okay. How's your father handling it? Is he banging everyone in town already?

No. He's actually going to Florida next week to see the Super Bowl. Okay. Hell, yeah. He's living it up. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't have to pay for your mom's medication anymore. Okie-dokie.

Jeez. All right. I guess I pushed it a little too far there. I love it. And how long have you been doing it in Austin stand-up comedy? I just got here almost two weeks now. Oh, wow. So here's fresh as it gets.

Yeah. So what part? Uh, Bill Ricka. It's like 30 minutes outside of Boston. All right. What are they known for? Any fun facts about Bill Ricka? Murder.

No. Yeah. Is that true? It's real. Dangerous? No, for real. There was a bunch of hookers that were murdered in Bill Ricka. It was like a standard joke.

Like comics were like, oh, I just got back from Bill Ricka. I had to drop a couple of people off. Wow. The dead bodies on the side of the road all the time, right? The guy escaped from prison and went to Dudley Road. There's a prison in Borica. Borica State Prison. All right.

Sounds awesome. Yeah. Yeah. That's a terrible place to live. Well, congratulations on getting out of there. Yeah. Good job. What's your favorite thing about Austin?

You've only been here two weeks. Um, I don't know. Yeah. I like the, uh, well, Austin, I don't know. Texas. It seems like a place I could get sick of quick. Why? I just like, I like.

Oh, shit. Everybody tightened up when I was made, when I kept making jokes about your dead mom, now they're like, yeah, fuck her corpse. Really turn the audience against you quickly there, Patrick. The pizza down here is horrific. Yeah. Yeah.

Who goes to Texas for the fucking pizza, bro? Yeah. Watch this. This is one of these guys that are going to find queso for the first time like we were talking about. It was the first thing I tried. It was delicious. Wow.

You didn't like queso? No, no, no. It was delicious. Oh, yeah. It was very good. All right. You just miss pizza? Yeah.

Yeah. I've been here two months. I still am yet to eat pizza. Oh, really? I just know I've given up on it. I'm like, I'm just not going to even go there. Yeah. Papa John's is good.

Yeah. Yeah. They have good pizza here, you fucking idiots. Really? Yeah. It's like new people to town. I haven't seen a single barbecue place. You'll have to text me.

They don't have any beer. This place sucks. To find the good pizza places. Yeah. There's a few good pizza places I've had actually out here. You can get basically everything here. Pizza's basic though. If you don't have a good pizza place in your city,

then something's wrong. Right. Country time. Country time? No. Oh. He's too high to remember what he just said. He's like country time.

But I say that out loud. He's thinking of lemonade. He's got lemonade Tourette's over there. Country time. Shit. I was just thinking about lemonade. It's okay. How about a big hand for Patrick Dupari, everybody?

Thank you. There he goes. Patrick Dupari. Good job, dude. All right. Let's do something fun. How about another surprise? You guys like surprises, right?

Everybody loves surprises. Everyone knows that the band that was originally in Los Angeles didn't come to Austin, Texas. And for a week or so, we had the first week, we had all three regulars here. Very exciting.

And tonight we have one of the regulars, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, here from Los Angeles, California, you know him as an unbelievable joke writer, regular on Kill Tony, brothers in cursive, and a guy that loves going back and forth with me, making fun of one another. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a brand new minute from David Lucas.

Here he is. Yeah. I'm black, but you can tell I grew up very privileged because I have a white-ass disease. I have anxiety. Like, you think kids in the hood know what the fucking anxiety is?

They be like, can you put that shit on the sandwich? Can I get an anxiety with cheese, please? That's a very white disease, man. Like, anytime you depress, like, that's a white-ass disease. I think it should be against the law for unemployed people to buy energy drinks.

Like, what the fuck are you getting charged up for, nigga? If your ass is unemployed, you should only be allowed to buy bottled water and sliced bread, you know what I'm saying? That's it, you unemployed motherfucker. All right, thank you, guys. There it is. Exactly a minute.

Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke. Still got it. Good job, man. Yeah, man, the great Joe Rogan, man. The great Joe Rogan. We've seen each other many a nights. That was very funny, dude. Thank you, bro, thank you, man.

Heck yeah, look at him. And he did it all, squozing into those jeans. Look at those fucking jeans. Wow, you're still trying that, huh? Were those tears there this morning, or is that just naturally over time to just eat lunch and then you're like, yeah.

Tony, you look like a gay camera case. Wait, what? What? Hey, camera case? Why would you say that about me? Your ass look rain-resistant as a motherfucker, boy. Oh my God, how dare you. You go in the rain,

the only thing you get wet is your hand. Oh my God. You son of a bitch. Y'all can't see it. Tony got on a Puma shirt, but the thing about his Puma shirt is that he's not wearing a Puma shirt. But the thing about his Puma shirt

is that his Puma is actually jumping over a dick. Aw, come on. How dare you, David? David thinks impeachment is a type of cobbler he can make a woman. David's excited about the Super Bowl. That's what he eats cereal out of every morning. Tony got to the venue an hour before everybody else

just so he could sniff the seats. Let me tell you something. I don't get here an hour early. There's no point in sniffing seats before the show, David. I sniff them afterwards. You tried to get the yesterday smell. Oh my God. Oh my God, David, how dare you.

Tony worked at the airport sniffing out illegal dildos and suitcases. Are you just... How do you know that I do that as a part-time job? This dildo has lead in it. You can't bring this on to play. I don't know if you guys know this, but Donald Trump actually pardoned David Lucas

for murdering 13 toilets this week. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, Mr. President. So you excited, David? You're here in Austin? Yeah, bro, I love Austin, man. This shit is dope, man. I walked at the river this morning. Yeah, you did? No, I thought I saw a tsunami go by.

I seen you going into a tent naked. I thought no one could see me. What can I say? The toilet tissue bandit. I saw you go into a tent earlier, but it was a circus tent. Are you excited about... You live in Los Angeles still? Are you excited they just announced

they're going to end the strictest lockdowns there? Man, I'm not excited until the comedy's over back up. Just period. In LA, it sucks eating outside until it becomes May. That's true. David eats outdoors, he also eats out windows, and out houses. God damn, Tony.

Normally, when you go to a restaurant, you're at the date. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Not a lot of people know this, but David wrote in his vote for president, and he wrote in Colonel Sanders. Tony voted for... What do you think of what you look like with these skinny legs like gigantic body look?

Is it the Incredibles? It's like one of those Monster's Inc. or something like that? I'm trying to figure out the fuck you look like. Who else look like you teach parasailing at a gay college? Do they have gay colleges, guys? Do they have gay colleges? Y'all name is The Stripe Boys. All right.

What else, David? Are you excited to be back in Austin? You do stand up here a lot. You have shows coming up, correct? Yeah, man. I'm here Thursday with John Keyes. We got a show. It's called The Big Ass Comedy Show. Oh, that makes sense. We're only three tables from being sold out, so if y'all want to pull up, we got some great comics and some great drop-ins on that.

I'm at the Vulcan next Thursday. This weekend, I'm in Houston, man. We're getting it in. Wow. Texas Love, baby. Absolutely. Yeah. What's that? That's about it, man. That's about it. Still eating good-ass barbecue, dawg.

Yeah, what's your favorite kind of barbecue? Briskets, so far. All right. That should be tender as hell. Wow. Look at you. How much do you eat? A lot. Like $21.7? $23 trillion. Red Band, you look like the CEO of Trader Joe's.

Hey, ring your bell. Why would you play that? Ring your bell. I love it. I love it. Red Band, you dress like you're going to Miami to pick up a group of little girls. If I could, I would.

I love it, David. Well, I'm still roasty as hell. Such a fun set. Really coming in and showing you, you know, David's a big comedy store employee. Yeah, yeah. Really rising through the ranks there. You came in and you showed, you know,

sort of a compilation of everything that we saw and everybody that did good. Nice short jokes. Great pacing and timing. Complete comfort. Great stuff. Welcome back to Austin, Texas. David Lucas. He's on social media. David Lucas, funny.

We're getting through it. He's a funny dude. Real ringer. He's so comfortable. He might be moving here permanently, too. All right. This looks like another new name, everybody.

We're going to meet the comedy of George Bards. George Bears. Bards. B-A-H-R-S. George Bards. I don't see any movement.

George. Oh, here he comes. Another new person. I love this show. This is great. The bucket's very giving tonight. One more time for George Bards, everyone. Hi, Michelle. I learned something pretty interesting

about magnum condoms recently. They fit everyone. They just stretched more. For the longest time, I genuinely believe that magnum condoms were like prisons. You know, they were made for black men. No, but they fit everyone.

I'm just kidding. Are they laughing? No, they fit everyone, though. Which is cool, because I think I'm only going to start using magnum condoms from now on. Because I think it'll give the girl some hope. Yeah? I mean, imagine me going to hook up with a girl.

You know, I walk into her place. I slap down that big black box. She's going to see that and be like, oh, shit. You know? Because you have these high expectations. Of course, when my pants actually come off,

she's probably going to be more like, oh, shit. You know? Because of the reality of her situation. But up until that point, it's pretty fun. Okay, thank you. All right, George. Let's talk about this little cock ears. What are we dealing with here?

What are we talking about? You're beating around the bush. Everyone wants to know. Cock ears? Was that what you said? What? Cock ears? No. Your penis, George. Your fucking penis.

Cock of yours. Oh, no. I think it's like right on average from what I've Googled. It's like 6.5. It's like right on there. And I'm proud of it. 6.5, huh? I haven't measured in a while, but I don't want to measure it again because it might have gone down.

I don't know that would have happened, but I'm afraid of that. Right. How do you usually measure it? Are we talking about measuring tape, a ruler? Just hope? Just prayer. I didn't have a ruler when I did it last time. So I use a protractor, which is kind of weird. Wow.

How could you tell which needle was which? Oh, you're thinking of a protractor. Protractor is a little needle thing. Yeah, line A. George, do you get to hook up with a lot of ladies who seem to really lack confidence downstairs? Yeah, I mean, I feel like if you self-deprecate, just like in comedy,

if you put yourself down, you know, it's like maybe lower the expectations than if you do kind of average or above that, they're like, oh, it wasn't that bad. So I guess it just depends on the situation. Is that why you have one of those belts that folds and then you have it in your front right there? Yeah.

Does that not look cool? Are you sure you just haven't been measuring that the whole time? Yeah, six and a half inches, perfect. I don't know what everyone's complaining about. Yeah, maybe. That would be weird. How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is my second open mic. Second open mic ever, everybody. Come on. Heck yeah. How was your first show ever? I bombed for seven minutes straight and then that last joke, I just did a variation of that, did okay.

So I was like, I'll do it tonight. But yeah, it was in San Antonio though. It wasn't me. It was in Austin, so a little more intense here, I'm not sure. Yeah, I guess so, maybe. Maybe. So is that where you live, San Antonio?

Yeah, I'm visiting a buddy. I've lived in D.C. like most of my life, but I just graduated college recently and so I moved to San Antonio and I'm thinking about coming to Austin for work, but I'm not sure about it. What do you do for work? Nothing right now. I have a degree in computer science

and I'm trying to do something with that. My buddy's a developer too, so I'm probably going to move in with him, but it's a lot of information. Anyways, what's up? All right. How about fun things? You seem like you have a collection of something perhaps, like something on your shelves.

No, I don't. Really? You almost got excited about something. Oh, well, I was thinking about the questions. I was like, I just recently bought a ukulele, but I can't. I can play a C chord. That's it. And not well because it hurts my fingers, but like that's what I'm learning right now.

Wow, what a giant pussy you are. I mean, it's incredible. It's one thing to buy a ukulele, but to hurt your fingers playing the ukulele. I mean, look how hard the guitar player's laughing at you. This guy has pussy hairs stuck in his teeth, laughing at you, and he's not even able to play the ukulele.

Like, who gets a fucking ukulele? I know. Oh, my God. I haven't seen him laugh that hard all night, and so you said that you hurt your fingers playing the ukulele. Wow. My goodness. What made you pick a ukulele out of all the instruments?

I wanted... I tried playing the guitar once, and it hurt more. It's a poor fucking kid. I was like, I'll try the nylon in. I don't know. Was it three or four strings? I forget already.

But it's three or four strings, so that's like less, obviously, than a guitar. Yeah, there's less strings. What, is there four on a ukulele? Yeah, four strings. So one less string to worry about, I guess. Two. But I mean, you've met me.

What made me not be necessary to learn something? I don't know what I'm saying. I get nervous when I'm horny. Okay. And you're horny right now? This is Joe Rogan. Wow. Look at that, Joe. Oh, my goodness.

Are you gay, George? No. It's just Joe Rogan. I see, I get it. All right. Okay. You ever go see a lot of live stand-up shows or anything like that?

The first... I went to Christian school and we had a Christian community come. His name was Tim Hawkins, and yeah, I know. But the thing is, is that he was actually, he geeked me. I wasn't expecting for anything, but I laughed so hard. He was doing like musical comedy stuff,

and so that was like my first show, and that was like three years ago, and I was like, that's cool. And then I got into comedy podcasts because they blew up. Anything funky happen at your Christian camp? At my Christian camp? Yeah. It was school. We had curfew.

So not really. Wow. What time was curfew? I think it was midnight. I never did it because I'm really cool. But the thing is, is that we had it, but it was just like, if you had cool RAs, I didn't care.

It was in a city called Lynchburg, Virginia. Okay. So not much going on there. I played lacrosse in college, which was cool. This seems like a terrible date. You're just sitting there going, oh my fucking god. What have I done? Wow.

And then you got the small dick later, so it's just like back to back to back shittiness. George, you are an interesting character. Were your parents around during your childhood? There's no way. If they did, they're lying to you. That's not your parents.

That's not your parents. That's not your parents. That's not your parents. Well, I thought so until like three seconds ago. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I grew up with my parents and stuff like that. I have a big family too. I have an aunt with nine kids

on one side, and then on the other side it's just a Mexican on one side. Yeah. Wow, George. We should wrap this up. Yeah, for sure. I tried, George. I tried hard. There he goes, George Bards, everyone.

We are number eight underscore B-A-H-R-S. Oh, Brian, went to get a drink for all of us. Did you? No, just for yourself. I was just taking a piss, and I saw a good friend of ours in the back that's hanging out. Yeah. Adam Ray.

Oh, yeah, the great Adam Ray, everybody here coming up on this show in March. It's going to be back. Here we go. Pulling another name out of the bucket, and your next comedian goes by the name of Trevor Williams, everybody. Trevor Williams.

Here we go. Great Yoni helping us out at Best Barbecue Show. We are looking for Trevor Williams. Here comes some movement. Here he comes. Yeah. How about one more time for Trevor, everybody?

Here he is. So, Armie Hammer likes to eat people. The Lone Ranger. Shocking. Personally, I always thought cannibalism was more of a tanto kind of thing. Johnny Depp's crazy. That's all I'm saying, man.

If he had the chance to eat Amber Heard, I'm sure he would. I was walking back to my car after the last time I came to the show, and I had that awkward situation where I'm walking behind this girl, and we're walking at the same pace, and I feel uncomfortable.

I think she feels uncomfortable. I don't know how to break this tension, so I just yell, gotcha! She takes off. It creates tons of distance. I feel way safer. Have you guys seen these in-ground trampolines? I'm obsessed with these right now.

It's a regular trampoline, but someone just dug a hole under this bitch, and now everybody with a regular trampoline looks like white trash, because they got this above-ground trampoline, like a broke piece of shit. Thank you guys, that's been me. Fuck yeah.

There you go. Trevor Williams, you've been on this show before? Hell yeah. What happened last time you were on? I boned. Didn't go well. Okay, well welcome back. My How Things Have Changed.

What a difference a week makes. Fun stuff, man. I just got done watching your documentary on Netflix. I think it's called Night Stalker? It is. Hell yeah. How do you look like him a lot? Now, Adam Driver's been lacking

in his output lately, so that's kind of shifted. It's Ramirez time, baby. Freakier chicks. What do you do for work, Trevor? I work for the state, like with attorneys stuff. Okay.

Man, people look weird for their jobs here. Working from home, man. You can really choose what you want to look like now at this point. They got this guy working at the state office. They got a fucking line cook greeting people at a restaurant. Trevor, how long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years now.

That's just kind of weird, but two and a half. You're from Texas? I'm from Ohio. I didn't write Sunbury on there, I usually do that, but last time you were like, ah, fuck, I'm not gonna do that again. Gotcha, gotcha. Because I said, ah, fuck Ohio?

No, but I mean, I don't know, it just seemed like... No, it was just because you were on the last episode. Oh yeah, these guys are both from Ohio. I know, I know. That's why I put it on there because in my head I'm like, maybe that'll... Maybe that'll help Tony's blind hand reach in and grab the right piece of paper. Okay.

So, Trevor, tell us something that we haven't talked about on the show that you think would be interesting to know about you. I used to be a lifeguard. What happened? I got a better job. I graduated college and then that kind of...

What did you do now? I do program coordinating for courses for attorneys for the state bar. Was it a pool or an amusement park that you did a... I've done both. Magic Mountain?

Yeah. But also the University of Cincinnati, they have an Olympic-sized pool and adults that don't know how to swim to get in there. Do you have anybody? No, only like... I had to watch someone have a seizure one time but that wasn't in the water, so I don't feel like that.

Are you worried about people hearing your act and you getting in trouble? Like the tanto joke? I've never told that one before so I was just kind of going out on a limb on that. Do you have any Native American in you? It looks like I do, doesn't it? A little bit.

You should lie about it if you don't. I wasn't going to be honest about it. Yeah. What ethnicity are you? Have you asked your parents about this? We were just talking about that. I have no idea. You have a serious job, is what I'm asking.

Like if you say some crazy shit on stage, you're worried that that would be the end of your other job? Um... For the stability, not so much for like life passion. If the joke kill, it would be like that was worth it. That reaction, I probably won't tell it again.

That's good. In front of a camera anyway. Yeah. Right. What other subjects do you tend to cover in the jokes that you've written in two and a half years? Just if we were looking at how you write like the titles of the jokes,

what else do you cover? I've got a lifeguarding, you know, a little bit of a routine there. That's why I was kind of trying to set that up. Want to try it on us? Um... Hey man, tell me about being a lifeguard. Here he is.

We're talking about being a lifeguard. Sometimes you have to do swimming lessons. Regardless of you have the certification, we're just short-handed so sometimes people have to switch roles. One day there's these four-year-old kids and after their lesson, there's one kind of off kid

and I feel for him and he's like shooting at the hoop but he's missing everything so I go over and I'm like, hey man, do you want to dunk the ball of his teeth? Completely oblitering. Wow. Yeah, he grabbed the rim on the way down, dunk went through but then it like,

he opens his mouth just broken teeth and blood and I hand him off to the mom and... Wow, there you go. So much for guarding life, huh? Yeah, that was the last time I ever got to do swim lessons. Is that true story? Yeah.

You hesitated, I don't believe you. No, I hesitated because you were pressing me so much about losing jobs that I'm like, I don't know how much truth I should be telling, yeah. I never saw the kid again. But how convenient. Yeah.

Do you think it was his baby teeth or his adult teeth? Definitely, they broke easy. I didn't... The bitch ass teeth. When his face hit, I didn't think anything happened because it was such a soft tap but the minute he opened his mouth to cry

I was just, all over his tongue was just broken teeth. It was either a kid or a meth head. You never know. Could have been a meth head midget. Good name for a band. Are you ready for meth head midget? Trevor, you ever play any music?

No. You ever sell weed? Yeah. Probably shouldn't have said that. That's what you do for the state. They pay me well enough not to. Full dental, everything. That's incredible.

It's a shame the kid that you help play basketball didn't have the same coverage as you. I'm a lifeguard, man. Right. Alright, Trevor. Well, you've gotten up a couple times now on this show and congratulations. Do you have any questions for us?

I don't know. What do you think? Should I keep trying? Do you really want to say answer that? I don't know now. I can keep leaving in my delusion. I think it was better than last time. Yeah, it was definitely better than last time. There you go. Congratulations.

Improvements being shown. Trevor Williams. What do you guys think? Go to the bucket one more time? Wow, look how fast he's going. Yoni. He's like a pit crew. Wow, he's gotten so good at this.

Make some noise for Agabar, everybody. Here comes Agabar. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Agabar, everybody. Shut the hell up in this motherfucker and shit. Guys and ladies, I like sweaty sex.

I do. During a heated conversation. A nigger don't sex harass. Tony, I harass sexes. Shut the fuck up. Watch lines over, y'all. A little bit slow and shit.

Tony and Joe Rogan having a community dick like mines. That motherfucker gets surrounded in the neighborhood. If my dick wasn't scrapped to myself, I'd be doing like call backs. Look, put your motherfucker mama on the phone. Bitch, it's

my dick there. Pull the motherfucker out of your ass and put in a ziplock bag. I want my dick. Papa was a rolling stone. Hell yeah. Wherever the nigger laid his hat was his home, so the nigger was homeless.

Agabar, everybody. Lots of energy. Lots of energy. You have the comedy stylings of a 100-year-old black man. They seem about half that age. Maybe even less.

Goatee is in like pigtails or something like that. You've been twistin' that thing? Is that your style, Agabar? That's my style. I want to be, you know, I'm different. It's fitting that you dress like a stop sign tonight. That's what I was thinking

almost your entire act. I was thinking stop. You look like you was skin and you relapsed because you thought the snow was blow. Wow. Alright. I love the setup to that joke, actually. So smooth.

It was. But yeah. No, I don't do drugs, Agabar. How about you? You ever do drugs? Yeah, I do a little drugs. What's your favorite drug? Crack cocaine. Matter of fact, I'm thinking about relapsing

right now. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine.

Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Drastic cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine.

Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine.

Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine.

Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine.

Crack cocaine. Crack crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine.

Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine. Crack cocaine,

Crack this, Tony. I can't do it like you do it. You look like you've been sipping on some scissors. It's like a razor and a protractor. I want to say something, the first podcast here in Austin, Texas. Okay, all right, all right. We're going the wrong direction.

We're going the wrong way on a one-way street right now. Are all of your outfits color-coded like that? How many different colors of pants do you have? No, see, I just believe in American way. I got the red, white, and blue, you know? Yeah, there's very little blue there. Are you sure you believe in the American way or are you a blood? East side, man.

Did you break out of prison and went, oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. That's racist on multiple levels. You're saying that he was in prison. Yeah, I was just saying it was cool. It was a cool-aid joke. Look, look, look, look.

I have a virgin booty. Is that true? We didn't even ask you about that. You just said that you have a virgin booty. A virgin booty. But most people don't just say that out of nowhere. We didn't ask you. What about your mouth?

That is true. I don't like how you only said your booty. He does have those lower handlebars hanging off his chin. I want to know the whole story. Rogan, you just head and shoulder, so I'll know if you're saying yes or no. Wow. But that makes a lot of sense.

Agabar, what do you do for fun? Uh, well, I like drinking coffee and, uh... Oh, my God. Drinking coffee. Do you know what schizophrenia is? Joe Rogan, I'm not schizophrenia. I just talk to myself when I need someone intelligent to talk to. Humiliation.

Saitan. Beware. You ever accomplish anything? You ever win like a trophy or a medal or anything like that? Yeah, I ran track, but I never got a trophy because the nigga got slave knees. I'm just too lazy. Have you ever done...

How long have you been doing stand-up? I started my stand-up career actually in Austin, Texas, so I believe actually doing comedy for about three years. Three years. And how many times a month would you say you get on stage and perform? Well, when I, like I said, actually doing comedy before the COVID, I was on stage like every day. Like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, yeah.

Right, right. Do you try to be funny when you have clients in your barber chair? Uh, yeah, but, you know, you have to, you know, talk with open-end questions, because if I say a joke that's too harmful, then it fucks up my tip. Oh, what's the worst joke that you remember ever doing with someone in your barber chair? I said, if God did not intend for us to eat ass,

then why do the motherfucker sit between two bonds? You should open with that from now on. Just sell it, be confident. As a fellow ass eater, I support you in this endeavor. Hell yeah. Don't be scared, homie. Okay. All right.

You eat ass a lot, Agabar? Yeah. That's your go-to move? There's nothing wrong with eating ass. That's true. You ate it on stage here tonight during your minute. It's incredible. Come on.

Fell right into my trap, Agabar. Agabar, so much fun, such a fun. I have like a thousand more questions for you, but you've already been up here for nine minutes, and you're so interesting, though. I want to hear more of you. Come back again. There goes Agabar.

He's on social media at comic underscore cut CUTZ. I forgot how fun the show is. It's fun. I really forgot. Last time I was here, it was like more than a year and a half, right? Yeah. What was that one? 300th anniversary.

Oh, yeah, no, it was. Like five year anniversary. Yeah. That was a fun one. Legendary Jeremiah coming out as Joe Rogan. Oh, yeah. My mom did a set that night. Your mom killed.

Closed it with a standing ovation. Joy Hingecliff. She listens to every episode. I mean, how about we make some noise here in Texas for my mom, Joy? Hell yeah. What's up, Joy? She's 73 years old, just kicking it.

Big fans of everyone. Just play the drums, bitch. That's her. All right. This is it. The last comedian to go up tonight has gone up the last two weeks in a row. The first time we found out, he's never spoken to his father before. The second week, we invited him back to do a new minute.

And at the end, to call his father for the first time in podcast history on a podcast. His father didn't pick up. A lot of people would have guessed that me and my cold, black heart would have ended it there. But I said, come back next week. Do another minute. We'll try to call your dad again. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Julian Madrid.

I feel like it feels like his dad's going to pick up tonight. How many of you think his dad's going to pick up tonight? Here he is, Julian Madrid. All right. So my girlfriend and I, we moved in together once the stay at home order started, right? And like a month into it, she looks at me and she goes, Julian, I can't take this anymore. This place is just like prison. And I was like, is that just because I keep trying to fuck you in the shower?

Because that doesn't just happen in prison, right? And then I handed her a little cup of toilet wine. I was like, go back to bed, right? Yeah, we moved in and I found out that she's one of those people that believes that the FBI is listening to you through your Alexa, right? And I told her, I think that's, that's silly. And then she goes, oh, I guess you don't mind if I do this then. And she'll walk up to the Alexa and she's like, oh no, please stop.

Oh, don't put me in the basement again. It's so dark in there. It's so dark in there. Now I just keep getting Amazon ads for lamps. Cops aren't showing up. All right. I'm Julian. Thanks, Julian Aguilar.

Crazy, crazy as it is. I have adventure to say that that even went better than last week. Am I right? I would agree. Hey man, what the fuck is toilet wine? What is toilet wine? Oh. You've never been to prison, I guess.

It's hooch. It's hooch. Just kidding. It's my boy. It's like when you take a bunch of fruit and you put it in a bag and you make a ferment. It's like, it's what they make in prison. It's part of the... Why do they say toilet wine?

They literally get a bag full of all the cafeteria fruits and they let it ferment in a bag in the toilet and it's wine and it's like a prison delicacy. Y'all know that, right? I don't know. I might change it to grilled cheese. How many people were with me that you didn't know what the fuck he was talking about? And you're like, I can't wait till the end. I might switch it to grilled cheese on a radiator or something like that.

I don't know if toilet wine's that universe or it's made of hooch or something. Well, she just loves toilet wine is the thing. And I would say you have to get to the shower sex thing faster because I think everybody was thinking that you tried to stick it in her butt before. The shower was a relief because it was a little bit different than what we all thought was coming. But if you're going to do that, you've got to get to it quick. Why would she even say that though?

Why would she say this is like living in a prison? Is it small? Because I assault her in the shower. Oh, right. You don't ever just go for the... The way that happens in prison. You don't ever just go for straight up morning bed sex. You wait.

You know. You're one of those weirdos that needs your girl like extra clean. More surprised more than anything. Just into the shower curtain. Yeah. Jesus. And you are a frightening guy. For those of you just listening to the show, Julian looks like a fully grown sperm.

I mean, he looks... It's very weird. He looks like a very much more evil version of me. No, you know what he looks like? The Twilight Zone puppet come to life. Oh, yeah. You're 100% right. Definitely.

First time I saw him, I said he looks like the guy that plays the organ at every haunted house. It's true. Tell us again, what do you do for work, Julian? I just work at like a logistics company here in town. It's kind of boring. Pursuing music more actively though here in Austin is what I'm more occupied with. What kind of music? I make kind of like...

So it's just me and a drummer and I play guitar and bass and sing. And it's kind of like psychedelic classic rock kind of revival stuff. Will you sing us a song here right now? No. Come on, there's a drummer right here. Do you covers? No, I don't... Do I do covers?

Yeah, like you... I can do a cover. How about this? You must have practiced at one point in time another person's song, right? What would you do if you were alone and no one was here? Man, this is the song I really feel right now. The song I really want to sing. Okay.

I don't... I think we're in the wrong key, John. What do you want? We actually have... What kind of music? We found a little bit of... First of all, if these guys like a little sneak, what kind of music? That's outside my door.

Hello. Is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile, Joe Rogan, you motherfucker. I want to tell you so much. Because I know just what to say. And you know just what to do. You were all I ever wanted.

I love you. Wow, look at that. It's good. Hell yeah. Julian, I got good news for you. We're not even going to try to call your father again tonight. I just got word, Joe Rogan just adopted you. Congratulations.

Julian Rogan, everybody. Welcome to the family, son. I can't wait to eat elk with you, dad. Oh yeah. Jalapenos. That'd be great. Jalapenos. You got to work your way up the family line though.

You're starting underneath Marshall, so... I love it. The dog? No, I'll take it. Let's try to call your dad one more time. What's happened this week? Have you talked with your mom about it? Where you're like, mom, dad didn't pick up.

It's been a stressful week, Tony. Tell me about it, Julian. He called me back the day after. No way. We didn't answer, did you? No, as directed. They are two after. He called back and I just let it go to voicemail,

sitting there like, fuck, okay. Did he leave a voicemail? No. I'm a little uncomfortable in your choice of shoes. Why is that? You don't like vans? I'm confused. Jesus, Julian.

Now you have two dads that don't want to talk to you. It's both because of the shoes. I'm confused. You don't like vans? Marshall's sad. They're so sad. They're pretty cool. They're vans, dude.

I'm not about that, right? Skateboard enough, but they're cool. I got the blazers there at home. It's a little weird. All right. I don't say anything about your hat, so... It's a good hat. Oh, Julian.

Oh, my God. I called for it. I called for it. I called for it, sir. I hate you, dad. Wow. I hate you, dad. I called for it.

You hate paper boys? Very angsty. Angsty kid. So rude. It's a cool hat. I do like that hat. How dare you, Julian. I do like that hat.

So let's call your dad. Your dad tried to call back, and now we're going to call him back. What did he say? Okay, so he didn't say anything. He didn't leave a voicemail or anything. I just figured... Does he know what happened? Did I call him?

No. During a show. He doesn't know who called him. He just had a missed call that he responded to. Does he have Parkinson's or Alzheimer's or something where he doesn't know what's going on? It's funny. That's actually something...

Red Band was like, what would you ask him? And I was like, any like family health history that I should know about, I guess? Like predispose to anything? Right. But no, as far as I know, he doesn't know. I'm going to be honest with you, Julian. We all have really fucked up faces, but... No real diseases at all.

We all sort of look like grown up sea monkeys or something like that. Oh, no, he does. He really does. Oh, no. He's one of these little... Oh, no. Wacky fetus. Oh, no.

Try to forget that. Yeah, that's all right. So you ready to do this? Are we going to try it again? Let's call you dad. I need to talk to him. Yeah, we can do that. You want to talk to him?

I need to talk to him. That'd be sweet. Okay. Like last week, guys, everyone needs to be quiet while he doesn't not say a word. We have to have him turn up the volume, put the speaker right on that thing. And you have to tell him he's on a podcast pretty early on. Yeah, like immediately, or we go to jail. Yeah.

All right. He's never spoken to his father before in his fucking life. This is Kill Tony. Live in Austin, Texas. He's never spoken to him? Hello? Hi. Is this Daniel?

Yes, this is Daniel. Hey, Daniel, this is Julian. And you're on a podcast. I'm your son. Wow. But you probably know that. Right? Yeah, I actually do.

That's awesome. He actually caught me a little bit off guard. How weird. Yeah. That is weird. That is weird. I understand it's kind of weird hour. Are you out in El Paso?

Yes. Okay. So it's okay. Yeah. So like 9 p.m. Listen. Hey, yeah, it's me. I know we haven't like, you know, connected ever, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing great.

I live in Austin now. I got a great job. Beautiful girlfriend. What's up? What's up with you, man? Well, I see I'm doing pretty good, but I had been wondering how you were doing. I am glad that you did come. I've been wondering about that for the years.

Oh, you're glad. Nice to wonder. Yeah. Listen, hey. Thanks for reaching out, pop. Do you know who? What the fuck? Wondering.

I'm 26. Every now and then I thought about sending an email, but fuck it. Hey, listen, do you know who Joe Rogan is? I've been wondering, kid. You know who Joe Rogan is? Yes, yes, I do. You watched Fear Factor. I shot a load in your mammy 35 years ago.

And I always wonder what became of it. Do you want to, do I want it? Do you want to talk to Joe Rogan? Hey, give me the phone. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. What's his name? The dad said he does know Joe Rogan.

Here we go. Hey, what's up, Daniel? Hello. Can you hear me, Daniel? Yeah, I can see the, the signal's a little bit back because I can't hear you. T-Mobile, bitch. What's that? Daniel, what's up?

What's up? Do you know this kid? This kid that claims to be your son? Yes, or I know about him, yes. I think he's a scammer. I don't believe him. Do you know for sure he's your son? Yes, yes, I do.

How does it make you feel? What's that? How does that make you feel? Like I said, a little bit off guard. A little bit off guard? A little bit off guard, yeah. Wasn't expecting it right at this time. How would you like this call to end?

Actually, I would like to talk to him maybe tomorrow when it's not that late. Tomorrow when it's not that late? Is that, can we arrange this? Yeah, dude, yeah, absolutely. Your son is amiable, amicable, whatever. Hi, Daniel. I'm Tony. I'm the host of the show that brought you together with your son for the first time in his entire life.

Daniel! Daniel, there's 100,000 people in this room. And we're all paying attention. Is there any chance that I could perhaps get you and your son in closure of all that? Well, first of all, he wants to know if there's any family medical history that he should know about. That's how lame this kid is that... I have a reasonable question. I almost said that you raised, but we know that didn't happen.

But no, is there any family medical history that he should know about? No, everything's normal. All right, good for you, Julie. Everything's normal. Well, you'll be excited to meet him. He does have a face only a mother could love. But let me ask you this. This is the end of a big show.

It's one of our favorite shows here in Austin where we all just moved to. Is there any way I could put a big ribbon on this episode by getting you to tell your son that you love him for the first time ever? How about you cut a check, Pops? Cut the kid a check. Listen, cut him a check. Hold on, hold on. We can't hear you. Hold on, Daniel. Go ahead. Say what you're going to say. I said, of course I do, but I actually would like to maybe talk to him tomorrow and get to know each other and go from there. That sounds good.

That's got to wait one more day for the I Love You. How about a big hand for Julian's dad, everybody? Podcast history. All right. Hey, buddy, I'll call you tomorrow, man. You could tell. You could tell it's his real dad because he just called him buddy uncomfortably at the end. He doesn't know what to call a buddy, old pal. How weird was that? Fuck, huh? Was that?

How weird was that? That was so weird. You know what's weirder is this feels like a fever because Joe Rogan's sitting here and I'm just like meeting my dad. Yeah, it's all very weird, Joe, to answer your question. That's awesome, man. Congratulations. Are you excited? I'm very excited. When you record your conversation tomorrow and send it to us, we can add it right now. Are you serious?

No, dude. Just take a picture of you guys hugging. Maybe. Put a selfie. First time you hug and set the camera timer for 10 seconds, 9, 8. Time you walking up to the camera. They're walking back to the camera. This is the first one. Make it the most insincere selfie ever.

What do you think your mom's going to say when she finds out that you spoke to your father? Yeah, something like that. She'll be like, you better not have called him dad. That's probably it. She'll be happy to know you called him buddy at the end of the conversation. That sounds like I was the dad in that one. Buddy, I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow when it's daytime and I have more energy. What's his name, Daniel?

Cut that check, Daniel. Somebody call the karate kids. I got a new rich dad. I don't need Daniel's money. I adopted him. Fuck Daniel. I'm your new dad. That's right. I love it. They heard it here first.

Fuck that dude. Well, congratulations on being the newest Rogan Julian. Welcome to the family and there goes Julian Aguilar. Making history here on Kill Tony being the first ever comedian to meet his father. Three sets, three weeks in a row and we finally got it done with help. Cut that check, Daniel. Cut a check, bro. Do the right thing. Did you guys have fun tonight? We did it everybody.

Kill Tony live in Austin. How about a big hand for Yoni helping us out all night at Best Barbecue Show? John D's on the keys, J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z on social media. Mike Agon's 13 on the drums. Deep madness, guys. Come on. At Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson on social media. This band is so over-qualified. Exactly. Love it. Real Austin talent.

Over-qualified. Matt Mueling is App Mutation, M-U-E-H-T-A-T-I-O-N. These guys are amazing. Some of them were playing with Gary Clark Jr. when we saw them. John D's over there on the keys. How about a big hand for Ryan J. Ebel? He was drawing tonight's episode the whole time. We're about to get to see that drawing right now.

Wow, look at that. I see Joe Rogan. We gotta get a bit bigger. Oh, look at that. Wow, there it is. Yeah, that's cool as fuck. Goddamn, that motherfucker can draw. One of the coolest things about this show is you get to watch Ryan J. Ebel get better every week.

Stronger and faster. It's incredible. All those prints are available at RyanJ.Ebel.com. I think he even threw a gorilla in there for you, Joe. RyanJ.Ebel.com for all those prints and the new Kill Tony coloring book. We have some fun things going up. Anything you want to say, Joe?

Thank you, Austin, Texas. You people are the shit. We love being here. We're very happy. We are literally trying to get every fucking comedian in the country to move here. We're gonna make this place the hub. We got big plans. Big plans, Austin, Texas.

Big plans. We love you. Thank you. Thank you for being so cool. Kill Tony, Phoenix, February 5th and 6th. We'll see you guys there. Thanks a lot, guys. Good night, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.