KILL TONY - #493 - BRIAN HOLTZMAN

Episode Date: February 19, 2021

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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony check out our website desk squad TV There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions to the show and if you click on tour dates You can come see us live not only do we play every Monday at Antones and Austin, Texas But we're always on the road so go to desk squad TV and click on tour dates Ryan J. E belt He's the house artist. He draws every episode go to Ryan J. E belt calm to check out his work Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website Tony Hinchcliffe.com go there for everything golden pony like tour dates and merchants stuff Tony Hinchcliffe.com and last but not least shop squad TV That's the official merchandise of the desk squad universe if you want some hats and some shirts go to shop squad TV

And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony Hey this is Red Band come to you live from Antones and Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of kill Tony Give it up for Tony H. Cliffe Yeah, fuck yeah the song ended everybody Brian Red Band's here Hey, what's up everybody Red Band very exciting stuff Look at this empty. There's a couple empty tables here people coming in late Austin, Texas People are out having dinner indoors ladies and gentlemen. You guys excited to be here. Hello. Good evening. Welcome This is a live podcast in front of a live audience. How about a big hand for the band everybody, huh?

Playing before the show starts a real vibe and energy in the room. It's a lovely lovely time Austin, Texas has been great This is what episode six or seven of us being here Things are moving along smoothly. It's good to be here in an open powerful fucking red state. You know what I'm talking about people Exciting stuff the great Ryan J. E belt is joining us all the way from Los Angeles, California. Hi Ryan He's drawing tonight's episode. He draws every single episode of kill Tony every single print every single everything The brand new kill Tony the coloring book is drawn by him. It's a bunch of episodes. You get to color it yourself How cool is that? I just got mine. He just sent me one. It's amazing. It's lovely Go to Ryan J. E belt comm get your kill Tony coloring book and a bunch of other cool kill Tony stuff some limited edition shirts

In every print from every show including the road shows Ryan J. E belt comm and how about one more time for the band guys that is they're gonna be with us all night the great John D's John at John keys J. O. N. K. E. Y. Z. He has a new single out this week. Check out his Instagram Matt mulling on electric guitar everybody D madness on bass The backbone of the band not the eyes but the backbone of the band and Michael Gonzalez on the drums ladies and gentlemen a Mexican drummer on kill Tony

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Slash kill Tony that's ridge.com slash kill Tony use the code word kill Tony. Don't forget get 10% off It's an amazing thing treat yourself. You'll thank me later You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Very very good very very very good Ladies and gentlemen special treat for you and for all of us really this is a treat for red band for me for the band Because it is happening the mass exodus that has been swear the rumors have been swirling who's next everybody's coming I mean one after the other and you guys are in for such a special treat because the newest resident of Austin, Texas is our guest Here tonight. He just moved here

He has been closing every single main room show at the comedy store since long before I started This is a mitzy shore appointed groomed fucking comedian This is the guy that all your favorite comedians stick around They wait until the end of the night to be able to all go in and watch him all your favorite comedians Stand in the back of the room and watch this guy when he performs and it just so happens You're gonna get to hang out with him for two hours here on this podcast Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the best comedians in the world one of my favorites the great Brian Holtzman everybody Oh shit. Oh my god

It's about to get wild I'm a rhinestone He's here live in the flesh ladies and gentlemen, this is the newest resident of Austin, Texas right here How long did you live in Los Angeles for Brian? Oh, I don't really remember, you know, I was in rehab for I think 14 years Since 1989 since 1989 and now you are a Texan now. I am a rhinestone cow boy Long this one with the fix in the fucking wires, you know The guy fixed Glen Campbell. You come on. What the fuck?

What part of Austin did you move to Brian oak oak oak Hill? Damn you have some rich neighbors over here The cast of succession is here everybody look at these fucking Brian lives in a gated community the first day He was here. He did a live stream showed the gatecode for the whole entire neighborhood. Are you guys brothers? Does no you both have that fucking like little Rogan heads over there you guys have that fucking those HGH skulls You guys taken BPC 157 what's going on over there? Alright, let's keep it moving along. Well Holtzman's going into a bag What do we got? Oh some wet wipes. I'm excited about Brian. Did you watch the Super Bowl or your thoughts about the Super Bowl? I want to know what that

Bitch was doing on the sideline. Wait, wait, what were you talking about? What bitch I want to grow up and take a man's job She didn't give a shit about the game she was watching the cat Super Bowl the whole fucking time She was watching General Hospital while the fucking game was going on Oh shit Brian Brian Holtzman has arrived to Austin, Texas and we're going to get to meet brand new Comedians and a couple special treats throughout this episode with Brian Holtzman a bunch of people signed up for tonight

We cut up their names and put them deep in a mason jar. We replaced the Bucket of destiny what happened to the bucket of destiny Our lovely assistant Zach Bogus slept in tonight everybody if you remember last week He got his car towed off of 6th Street on a Saturday night I don't know if you can fathom parking on 6th Street at about 7 p.m. On a Saturday and just thinking oh, that's good Just gonna leave that there for the night like I mean the fucking middle of 6th Street There was literally a euro stand where his car was Anyway, he slept in today didn't bring the bucket a kidding me

He works one day a week for two hours a week He's really he's in the bogus family name is probably not tarnished though Like how do you sleep in for a job that starts at 7 p.m.? Like it's unbelievable But anyway, you didn't bring the bucket and the ice bucket that we've been using I've noticed is like gigantic It's like one of these fucking club so we got the weed jar Yeah, it's a little fucking dirty little Austin, Texas mason jar. You know what I'm talking about We got plenty of those around to dig your hand in there find what you need. You know what I mean

alright So yeah, if I pull your name out of the bucket a bunch of people sign up That means you get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten Yeah, that means wrap it up then or I'll sure gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood No, it's not the angry West Hollywood bear. It is the angry warehouse district bear It never gets a laugh Austin people don't even know what the gay part of their town is it doesn't exist Everybody thinks it's somewhere else. It's the homeless three doors down from where I live That's the gay part of town to me

Nobody gives a fuck about the gay part of town here in Austin. Nobody knows I've said five different places five different episodes. Everybody's like, I guess that's the gay part. Yeah What do you guys think is the gay part yell it out? Fourth Street, the East Fourth Street bear, that's what it would be East Fourth West Fourth See how everybody disagrees. Yeah, that's what we just said All right, hey, fuck you Holtzman already yelling at his new neighbors in Oak Hill

It's gonna be trouble He's gonna you're gonna catch him tearing the political signs out of your front yard any day now You're not gay if you lay down when you do it. Oh My god, is there anything you miss about Los Angeles Brian? Miss my gay lover. It's really what about your don't you have a gay son? He has a gay son. Yeah, I have a gay son I'm proud of that boy. He he wins every little league baseball game. There is steals a base Hits a homerun wins every game and then fucks the weakest player in the ass You guys ready to start tonight's show or what it's about to happen right now

I'm sorry, that just feels like that just feels like we're at a television taping Austin Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode of kill Tony? There you go You motherfucking sleepy fucking Billy goats out there tonight. Everyone's hung over from the Super Bowl or something, right? Yeah, but that bitch that bitch referee. That's what I'm fucking pissed off about Nerve of huh. I want to be an NFL referee. No, you can't Starting out tonight's show. It's a one-word name. I do believe this young lady was on maybe even as recent as last week Make some noise for your first comedian Genevieve everybody Genevieve Whoo

People spread out on the sidewalk have signed up to be on tonight's show. They're socially distanced For those of you listening around the country everybody that came in tonight was tested. We did rapid testing for COVID Everybody got tested Take your time totally tested Here is she is Genevieve everybody one more time for Genevieve What up y'all give it for me, I got an acting gig Yeah, I play a zombie in the escape room

They basically was like you get to scare the shit out of white people and nobody caused the cops. I was like saw me So before the show you get to meet the zombie this lady came back there to meet me She's like this is so cool. I never did anything like this. I said she cut the shit lady. Which one of these bastards? You don't like She said what you mean saw those bad-ass kids out there which won't give you a hard time. She said Well, Tommy The redhead I said say no more the bell ring. It's my turn to get out there. I'm like wow. What a fuck Tommy yet. I See Tommy I get them pins up in the corner. I'm doing spin moves, but he goes I'm so scared

But she moves like an elegant gazelle Said fuck you Tommy. That's the best compliment. I've got Got a abortion joke I want to tell real quick Ryan Go ahead Genevieve. Let's hear your abortion show. Okay. Well, here's my rape joke Sorry, I'm just playing no no my abortion joke. I do have an abortion joke. Uh, it's not finished Oh snap

Shit Genevieve ladies and gentlemen Genevieve a little bit of interruptions there towards the end, but it's okay Welcome back to the show. Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me so much. I appreciate nice to meet you Aren't you first last week also? I wasn't first, but I'm just happy to make it Mason jar has done you well here tonight So that's so fun. Is that real? Yeah, I was a active I was a I worked in an escape room It was kind of fucked up because like I wore chains and I'm black, you know, so it was like Here you tell me. Oh my goodness. Were you the one trying to escape? I know they had to escape. I

The chain kept getting longer and then you had to just like go for their ankles, you know, just Wow, that's in a black history month to made it even worse It was always tough during February. You know, we hear that we're about to take over June for black history month instead of February Did you hear that? I know you you guys I know it's just like you guys are can never just be happy with what you got Be happy, you know, now we won June because it snows in February Stop shooting us. I mean the stuff you guys ask for it's absolutely crazy and by you guys he means women So, Genevieve, how's life gone since last week, uh, man, it's been crazy. We came down here with another comedian You know, and we've been making some waves people been excited. This has been a great opportunity

Where are you driving from? Were you from the Dallas area Dallas for work area? Okay? How long so you're driving a couple hours? Yeah I love it. I love it. You're taking the I-35. Oh, yeah, all that traffic and shit But I'm not complaining because no snow. Do the cops ever give you a hard time, you know You drive by they think they might think you're a black man and they pull you over. Yeah, they always I get excuse me, sir ma'am sir ma'am sir Sir ma'am. I get one of those. They're like, I don't know what you are, but you're black so get out and put your hands up Yeah, I know

That's wild. Have you dealt with racist cops here in Texas? Is that in Texas? No, but in Wyoming, definitely Yeah, Wyoming. Yeah, Wyoming. They thought I was a prostitute. They says get out the car. I'm like for what? I'm driving it. What kind of prostitutes that they have in Wyoming. Oh, man some rough-looking man ones apparently because you know Some people have that Librarian fetish I look like I read a hell of a thesis

Genevieve did you uh, did you go to college? I did go to college. I went to Michigan State goes green. Wow, you're a Spartan Wow, you know who else is a Michigan State Spartan is the great Don Barris. Oh, yeah, both of them come from horrible schools Yeah, pretty much 360 days a year Brian Holtzman would be on in the original or in the main room while Don Barris is on in the original room You guys are the kings of late night Did you know that? I did not Also a position once held at some points by the late great Brody Stevens. So are you just reading Wikipedia shit now? No There he is here in spirit

So Genevieve what else would we be interested to know about you that we didn't find out last week? I spelled my name wrong for 17 years Wow One letter I was off one letter some bullshit. I called my mom. I was devastated. I was like my where's my E She said what the hell you talking about? Said my E is on my birth certificate. You you fuck me over on the E and she said I told you spell the name I want you to spell your name. So fuck it. I'm like damn Well, you know, I'm just happy that the light bill ain't in my name no more

I Love it. She did so good last time that shit. We I invited her Yeah, this Thursday, she's gonna be opening the show with me Tony and Brian Holtzman at Vulcan You're on a real show here It's not a secret location on that last fire that you posted. That's what it's Okay, good to know I would like to know It's not really nothing is a secret about his secret show. He just calls it a secret Except for the secret guest that's supposed to show up. Oh, yeah, I heard about that. It's gonna be bear man

Who is it? You know who it is? Oh Okay, you'll never believe who it is is it Little Kim. Yep. Yep. I knew it. I knew it. Which surgery? Oh Shit You know, I'm gonna guess the fourth surgery here, Alex. No, Genevieve. Do you do anything musically? Yes, I play piano a little bit a single little bit. I was a background, you know choir singer You know, you sing at all last week. No, I dance last week. We you turn it into a whole production Will you sing something for us this audience? They're a little bit fucking hungover from Super Bowl Sunday

I think a little music would unify us. I Got a song that's near and dear to my heart Baby girl wish your name. Let me talk to you. Let me buy you a drink. I'm T-Pain You know me convict music that be boy. Oh, we there you go Wow Wow, damn the band was just a ready to go They were just trying to figure out the girl drunk so you can fuck her What do you think about that female referee? Was that bullshit or what? What do you wouldn't do that?

What did yeah, you are they hiring cuz I referee to shit out of I love it. Holtsman. What do you think about Genevieve set? I think I think I think it you know, it really Just say it Great it was just great the presentation the way you know you left it all on the stage Well, even though you're still on the stage when you get off you have left it all on Shit, oh, yeah, that's right the great Chris Rogers art is drawing something for You know Ryan J is drawing there at the viewers at home Ryan J is On the video, but here in person Chris Rogers is drawing something for Brian Redbam. They're way what way behind us

Yeah, I do believe you. I do think so. He's drawing something for so many talents There's so many so many different revolving pieces of art happening here and That's what that's what's fun. Genevieve. Thank you so much. You've been on two weeks in a row there She goes she's Genevieve he gives things out. Oh What is that? Is that an ashtray? jewelry box What is that fun back Brian Holtsman is the only guest in the history of Kiltoni to always give people gifts

They get pulled out of the bucket. Yeah, what was that Brian? I was a jewelry box. Am I right Brian? Wow? That's cool very rarely. Can you get a jewelry box given to you by a professional comedian? That's just one of the oh Hey, look who woke up from his nap at Zach bogus everybody. Wow. It's old sleepyhead bogus My goodness gracious Looking like he's it's his first day out of prison All right, there goes that Your next comedian goes by the name of Raymond Cabrera everybody here. We go Raymond Cabrera And here comes a human being from the back of the room

Audience you guys having fun out there, huh? You get it yet people sign up. Maybe you signed up. Who knows? I've got a few people from the audience get pulled. Oh Here comes over here over here That's right. I know you got to go that way Holtsman Holtsman directing people to walk right through the middle of this stage this float Come on make some noise for Raymond Cabrera everybody Hey guys, my name is Raymond Cabrera I'm a one-handed comic

Which is very fortunate Because it's impossible for me to slip my wrists Any guys Pretty big in the stock market. That's been a thing coming out Yeah, I got really excited about the stock market But I lost a lot of money because I kept hearing about a short squeeze that was happening And I miss that short squeeze So now the only short squeeze that's gonna happen is on the trigger of the shotgun that I'm gonna have in my mouth

If Blackberry and AMC don't hit $30 a share Yeah, I live in a new apartment. It's pretty dope apartment. It's pretty great. I love it Only problem is there's a bunch of spiders in my apartment and I used to be afraid of spiders But then I realized, you know, maybe it's not a bad thing if the spiders bite me because worst-case scenario If the spiders bite me I gain superpowers Best case scenario if the spiders bite me I die Alright Raymond Cabrera keep that mic right in front of you there Raymond. I'm gonna talk with you for a bit I'm gonna ask the question that's on everybody's mind here

Why are you wearing your mask the whole time? I didn't know what it was like I mean, uh, I don't I don't know. I'm trying to like Not you don't want to lose another arm. Yeah What is that? How would he lose an arm? You know from the mask? Yeah, I mean he already failed at hints across america He ruined that whole entire operation Never mind. Okie dokie red man. No one knows what that is Yeah, there's one person. Yes. There you go. One old lady from Oak Hill

Got your reference after you said no one knows what that is all right, uh Raymond, um, so What the fuck? Uh What happened to your hand? Oh, it's like the most boring story. I was just born like this. Really? That's it. Yeah So, you know, whenever what did the hand stay in your mother's vagina or something like that the other one's like It's got a little baby arm down there. It's such a monster It's kind of like that. Heck yeah, is your favorite barbecue in town stubs. Yeah, I love it Oh, that's the noise they're gonna make not a laughter, but an oh, what are we? What are we at? Jerry Springer?

Jesus austin really is your left hand did I take it then? Oh I'm sad to hear that really happened to you in the stock market. Are you uh, you can do they consider you diamond hand or paper hand? Diamond hand, that's right. Absolutely. So, uh, how long you've been doing stand-up? Uh, about three and a half years three and a half years all of it here in austin texas I started out in corpus christi and then I moved to san marcus and then I uh, I'm in here now Surprised you're not from arm a dillo All right, fuck you guys. What do you what do you all have one arm out there?

Is this all hitting you very an emotional spot? Anyway, uh, so what happened with the spiders? Huh, what happened with the spiders? Oh, there were no spiders. Oh, there were no spiders. Are you really afraid of spiders? No, okay. I'm pretty cool with spiders. Oh, yeah You uh, how does the do you mostly talk about the hand? Was that hard to talk with you about at first when you first started? That's how I actually started it off. But then I was like it's kind of becoming one note. So then I was like Why don't you make up a story an interesting fucking story? About the about losing the hand I tell him you're the guy who cut his arm off to get out of the boulder

I mean make something up make something up. Yeah Well, this is the way I came out of my mommy Come on He does have a really good point. I think that there's uh, I think that there's something worth uh, worth noting that perhaps there's um There is uh, something there. Do you have brothers and sisters? I have one sister. Is she missing anything? No, no just straight up Yeah, normal Have you ever used the arm with a woman, you know like got like a arm pit deeper? No, but I've had people who were interested and

Yeah, okay. Did you did they pay you for something or no? They're just like older women. They're just like They're like You know, I wanted to know what it's yeah, they're like it just has like the right girth and length when you did the Yeah, what exactly did that mean? Uh, you know, I'm just Yeah Wow, I love it man. I love it. Uh, do you feel like you would have been um, you do you feel like uh, you What do you think you would talk about if you did have two hands as a stand-up comedian? Uh Clapping yeah

That brian, I think you're listening to another podcast right now He's gonna ask them what he would talk about if he had two hands as a stand-up comedian Yeah, he would have like a closing about clapping Everybody show him your hands No, oh Okay All right, tell us something else interesting about your life Raymond Cabrera, uh

I work over nights, so I sleep during the day. Okay. What are you? So does Zach bogus. That's pretty cool. Yeah What do you uh, what do you do? What do you work night shifts for? What do you do? I'm a barista at the buzz mill. Get the fuck out of here. Really? Yeah one-handed barista. Can you believe this? I wouldn't go to that fucking place I love that my barista with two hands. I'm sorry. I'm sorry My god, you you burn yourself a lot. No. No, that's incredible. You use your chin or something. You guess you just use that Yeah, I use my chin on the The milk frother. Yep. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, and then you know, just figure it out from there

I fucking love it, man. What a wild job to have a you know, I don't know I don't know. I guess I wasn't expecting barista. I thought maybe like uh, you worked at like a chainsaw factory or something like that I mean the place is called the buzz mill. So it's like Wow, so you go in there and you're like be careful. It's crazy. Yeah, exactly Wow, the saws aren't just for decoration My goodness. Yeah, have you ever thought about getting one like one of those like prosthetic arms? You know like with the the robocop shit. I've tried to but uh, it's just like What are your 80s references tonight? What is happening with you? You guys know did you just walk out of a time capsule or something?

Everyone knows what the fuck robocop is. What are you talking about? She knows what robocop is. No kill knows who robocop is. Robocop's popular I love it. Have you thought about getting a prosthetic? I've thought about it But it's just like it's more helpful for people who actually like lost their hand versus somebody who's never had one So it's just like oh, that's both. That's bullshit I mean, I take the fucking other hand. I've never known what it's like to have two hands if you couldn't have two hands You're full of shit, man You get a hand on amazon nowadays. I probably yeah

Raymond, I love your style man. You have uh, you know, you have a fucking great great stage presence up here You I love that you talk about, you know, what's obvious and what's right in front of you Um, so thank you so much for signing out. I don't trust you. I appreciate it. Holy shit. Come on. Come on, Raymond Raymond Cabrera. Oh, he's getting a picture Wow, he's gonna hang that on his wall. What is that picture of? Good luck holding a nail and a hammer at the same time. I look lucky lucky. It wasn't a pair of gloves Wow, you can't get a prosthetic prosthetic arm on the Amazon Look at the chunky sanitizer. Zach bogus is spraying downward today. Very clumpy

How many of you have already had the coronavirus by round of applause, huh? That's a pretty good amount of the audience. Can't catch it twice 29 people in the world have caught it twice Your next comedian goes by the name of benjamin sephron benjamin sephron That's 29 reasons that you're wrong then benjamin has that's 29 reasons that you're wrong Benjamin, do you have two legs and two arms benjamin? Do you have all your body parts? Yeah, but those people have debilitated immune systems Lucky people like that people like that don't go out

Wow, be sure to use the staircase everybody Normally, I don't have to explain that because it's sort of common sense, but hey, here's one more time for benjamin sephron That's enough Seppin you can take off your mask benjamin Oh, should we put it back on benjamin put it back? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding one more time for benjamin sephron everybody Here goes Sorry, I must have done mute Hey, do we have any armed forces in the house?

soldiers army any soldiers no respects our troops guys um Well, if if there was one I was going to ask is Do soldiers like soldier boy? Can you believe that guy went to jail? What happens if soldier boy gets his rights violated?

He contacts the ACLU You know, I like to think soldier boy went to jail and came out of soldier man But but better I like to imagine soldier boy being trained by soldier man in para training academy Who's next? Yes, you jibberman I'm splat Make sure to read the training material Benjamin sephron everybody going to the barit tonight nobody wanting to get out on their own accord

Everybody trying to get that last laugh in tonight Benjamin, I've always said there are not enough soldier boy themed comedians And then all of a sudden there you are out of nowhere Uh hell yeah, welcome to the show benjamin. This is your first time here, right? Never watched it Never watched it. Well, that's not even the answer to the question. I put it on like that's not what I asked you benjamin Do you know that? Huh? Do you know that's not what I asked you? I'm a bad listener. I'm sorry. Okay. Let's try again This is your first time on the show, right? Yes. Do you do a lot of uh stand-up comedy?

Uh, I've I've been hitting it this year pretty hard hitting it this year pretty much seventh year in total Seven years you've been doing stand-up comedy. Okay. That's not there's the answer. All right And uh, you all of it here in austin Never lived outside of travis goney my whole life. Never lived outside travis county your whole life How long have you been having sex with the thousand pound sisters? I've seen you on that show numerous times you drive them around you give them their two leaders of Pepsi to start the day. I watched that show. I know who you are as often as they want man. They're in charge I love it

What made you sign up for this tonight? How did you know to come here a friend told you or? Um, we just you know, generally stalking people online finding shit to do generally stalking Were you stalking someone that was coming here? No, thanks. Oh, I don't know. You're a creep dude. Yeah, really really just frightening energies, uh Good to I'm glad you're here though. It's good to get the people, you know You see them in the youtube comments, but you never get to meet them in real life I think we're all we're all thinking, you know, I wish you were the one with the one arm. Yes

I'm not the other guy, you know It's like the whiz in a boss episode this one was born without a brain All right, benjamin. What do you do for work? What gas station do you work at? I don't work. What I don't work You don't work. I don't work. You have disability. Yeah, I'm on this for what? Uh being fucking awesome. Uh, no one's believing that Uh You're gonna you're gonna keep your disability secret Um, it's a mental illness a mental illness. So they say okay. No, I believe that but

I'm just gonna I'm just gonna interject into the interview part. We know that it's a mental illness, benjamin But if you don't want to talk about it, I guess we won't It's schizophrenia ladies and gentlemen. It's the only one that it could be It's the only one that they sort of want to keep secret from you when they're in a uh Position of control. So benjamin, uh, what uh, what's your life like? You live with your parents. What's going on? Uh, I own a house that I bought Oh, wow, you bought a house with disability money. Well, no, Texas is crazy people I I had I had a job at one point. Okay. What was your job?

Um, I was a system administrator for AT&T Assistant administrator system administrator system administrator for AT&T Fuck yeah, and then what happened one day you got electrocuted. Well, I fucking um, you know, I had a bad day at work Um, I called my dad who's like that seems weird. You need to go back to the mental hospital and I you know So can you describe to us what a bad day like that goes like? I mean, I'm sure these people would be interested Uh during this interview to find out about things like that. What made me finally snap after six years Was I was now leading a team that was responsible for finding 2000 laptops have been shipped all over the country and talk right to the tip of that

You were had no gps location working for a team that had to find 2000 laptops that were shipped all over the country and we did know um like gps or like location tracking so they were gone And uh, I was like, I'm in trouble You lost 2000 laptops at once. Well, no slowly one at a time, you know He sold laptops. He stole laptops and he sold them. If I ship some guy a laptop to go fix the four seasons And then you know, it's three years later I don't know what your laptop is. What where's your house at? What part of town is your house? Um, well, I grew up on east run burger bought a house on west as soon as I could afford it

You talk really fast sometimes. What was the last thing you said? I I grew up on east run burger bought a house on west as soon as I could afford it Bought a house out west as soon as west run burger west mern's meadow Hey, okay, forget it This is one of those this is one of those interviews where just not much is happening here Benjamin you good at anything you have any special skills or talents You know how to like uh balance a ball off the tip of your nose like that up in the air or something finish that bag of cocaine real quick I do magic tricks. Yeah, can you do a magic trick for us now? You want to do you need something?

Yeah, what can you do? I want you to think of a card. Okay. I'm thinking of it. No tell everybody Okay, but if I do that then you'll know the card. Okay. Well, let me guess. Okay Ace of spades very close. Okay. This is the ace of diamonds wrong Oh, yeah, there it is. It's mental illness indeed It has been confirmed. I don't know if your doctors did this but sometimes we do it here on kill tony We do diagnosis live. It's the only podcast where you can actually see this happen Some of the perks of pulling names out of a uh bucket All right, benjamin. You did it. You got on the show. Congratulations. There he goes

Sepron everybody and make some noise for benjamin. He gets a mug. No, take the mug. Take the mug You're going that way benjamin benjamin benjamin. Take the mug There goes benjamin sephron. Wow What the hell holdsman will take off your jacket if you try to walk away from him without taking a gift Benjamin sephron everybody get some help man. Get some help please This is a compelling episode so far These are your people lost in texas make some noise that you're happy of the city that you live in right now Look at that. You cannot break their pride

They are happy You guys got his own house. You got to give him credit for that. A lot of mentally A lot of mentally ill people here in town just Live under a bridge Not this guy Pulled another name out of the bucket. She's gotten on the show a couple times. She's back a local artist runs a lot of her own shows Here she is. It's britney ladesma Yeah

Believe this is her third episode of kill tony. She's great since we made the move here to austin texas Runs her own show out of a uh makeshift garage bar. I heard she runs a few shows actually I did it. I did her show. Yeah. Yeah a couple wednesdays ago Me david lucas a bunch of us went over there. Here she is everybody make some noise for britney ladesma Someone told me they wanted to wait to have sex with me So it would be like more meaningful I was caught off guard. Like what kind of game is that? I'm less attractive than more you get to know me if you're there by the third date

That's a red flag from you to me that I should leave I was talking about red flags with my friends and I told them I don't have any except the confederate one of my bedroom Um I've been running until a lot of people from high school recently But that's just a sad reminder to me that I didn't get to live out the all american high school experience Because I never got to go through a school shooting Um god I was looking at med spa's the other day, but then I realized it was just the leukemia's ward at st. Jude's

Does anyone know if you can get chemo without having cancer? I'm just trying to lose my last five pounds My mom's a cancer survivor. She's had it three times Unfortunately, nothing can kill evil Thank you Brittany ladesma doing jokes one after the other yeah with a microphone up to her mouth looking out in the audience it's been uh, it's been uh Almost uh since the beginning of the episode that we've had something like that happen here

Almost it almost seems strange having someone come up and do stand-up comedy that they wrote and thought of That doesn't end in you Brittany ladesma welcome back to the show. Thank you. You do a lot of stand-up here in austin texas You run shows tell us how life's been lately life's been good, you know Uh, I took an edible the other night and that was a lot for me. What happened I just stared at my dog for a while. Oh, I didn't know if it liked me or not I'm sure it does I feel a lot better now. Thank you

My goodness gracious. What do you think of uh, have you been watching tonight's episode? Have you had a view of it at all? Yeah, I've gotten to watch a little bit of it That last guy didn't watch out for that guy. Yeah. Yeah. He tried to give me a rose before I came in here. I just uh My friends asked if I even like noticed it, but I'm just that good at ignoring people now Wow A rose that's a rare treat. I know that's good while you were staring at your uh, what was it a cat? Is that what you said? You were staring at your dog the other day. He was probably staring at you through your window So brittany tell us something about you that we haven't uh that we haven't learned in all these other interviews that

Uh, I used to be a dancer. Really? What what type of dancer were you? Um, like the pole Really? Is that true? Yeah, I used to work at a strip club. What did you do at a strip club? I was a stripper Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious? Yeah, I was like 19. I knew it. I knew it I can smell stripper a mile away You seem so young. How old are you britney? Uh, I just turned 23. You're 23. How what how long were you a stripper for?

Like a year when I was 19 Wow a year. Would you be willing if we played some um, if we played some stripper music Would you be willing to uh, just give us a small example of like your types of moves or something? I'm sure the crowd would like that. Am I right guys? Instead of leaving me hang Whoa holtzman holtzman Holtsman don't throw it so hard jesus Holtsman is beaming uh five. Oh wow. Those are five dollar bills. I know

I mean More than one dance actually dance will make that's a private show. Maybe you should go behind the curtain and uh Red band No, I think zacks giving all the show when he cleans those he goes all the way Guys, can you play some strip club music for uh britney since uh red band didn't cue any up? Oh, shit Little soldier boy Is it Wow, this is this is the first in kill tony history. This is an actual former stripper

Combining the two worlds. Fuck the comedy. Fuck the comedy. Oh my god. Show us the hole I can do the splits and that's about it I'm not good at dancing by any means and I have clothes constraining me But I used to climb up to the pole and then go down Like that Oh my god, she squirted all over the ground She did not bryan So britney, let me ask you this that's so interesting

So you used to do that and we also found out don't you have like uh, What don't you have a disease or something like that? You have chrome ibs you do you have ibs? Yeah, did you interject that into your stripper style like was it like now ladies and gentlemen here she comes slippery When wet Oh my god, no, here she is ladies and gentlemen do do jankins everybody Come into the stage Give her a tip or a piece of toilet paper. Come on There's red bands fart noise for the episode everybody. That's exactly how it wouldn't be. Wow

You can shit all over me any day, honey. Oh my goodness. Hold some ins into that type of stuff Did you ever do anything extra for you know a couple huns? I No, I mean I had like guys ask if they could sniff me so they like sniffed my leg It was like joe biden's thing to apparently but it's true people pay money to be sniffed No bryan, you don't sniff that like that's scary Don't sniff it bryan. Someone paid me 20 bucks for me to just show them my tongue Really tongue fetish in the world. Wow, that is interesting. How much did the guy pay to sniff your leg?

Like a hundred bucks. What part of your leg was it? Wow, the lower below the knee. I would think that's about a ten dollar sniff I think above the knee goes into 20, right? Was there something that made you get out of it? Like was there a bad night? Why didn't you go into like camming or something or I mean, what's your cam address? I was just uh red band I was just in school at the time and it's all I needed to get back my transcript from it before I transferred What was your stripper name? Uh april april. Oh my April shower

Come on everybody. It's april. It's getting a little stormy in here. Everybody. Yeah, dude. Do you have to poo right now? Do you have to poo right now? Do you feel like taking a shit right now? Just let me know I'll meet you out after Shit on my mouth This is kill tony. Kill me with your shit. Holtzman. Kill me kindly with your shit Holtzman has arrived in austin texas. Young 22 year old poo. I mean, that's fresh shit That is uh, that is uh more youthful shit than

I don't know. It's like turning a faucet on in flint. Do you think you could ever go back to doing that? No What about for like a hundred bucks? Oh my god Absolutely disgusting Uh britney, uh, unbelievable, uh set tonight. I'd been sure to say this might even be your best set on the show Fun stuff way to roll with the punches during this crazy interview part answered all the questions very compelling stuff Uh, so thank you so much. There she goes britney ladesma. She's on social media at britney with one t led

Brittany. Oh, look at that. She got a doll A very cool asian doll from brian holtzman chanis He's now picking up one of the five dollar bills that he threw out her uh Hell yeah guys, how about a big hand for the band am I right cool live in here tonight Powerful music Yeah Mohammed abba or abs or ab eight Mohammed if your name is Mohammed, you just got selected

to be next On kill tony live in austin texas with brian holtzman's arrival amongst us here comes Mohammed everybody With a 60 seconds uninterrupted here he is Mohammed Thank you. Thank you. I'm proof that jesus is white Good job christians. You guys really Nailed it I'm sorry, um

Yeah, I do go by Mohammed mo no fly list like those cute little names Um, but yeah, I don't really follow my religion any sinners in here Yeah slayer slayer they call that devil's music. I call them hymns Um, well, yeah, I don't really follow my religion anymore But uh, I do hook up with older women because Mohammed Uh married an older woman. So for example in eighth grade I tried to hook up with a girl. She turned me down and I hooked up with her mom. So Uh, yeah, why could mess with the product we can go straight to the source

So So But yeah, I do hook up with girls my age. Uh, they're into pulling hair and uh choking like everybody else in this modern day and age Um But uh, yeah, I'll just stop right there. Okay. I'll allow that. What is your last name? Mohammed avid avid Yeah avid abd Abid yes, okay. Mohammed abid. What is that? What ethnicity are you? I'm palestinian palestinian Yeah

That's the palestinian music that red band had queued up for you Uh, have you ever been there? Uh, yeah, I was there, uh, like freshman to sophomore year summer for two months What's it like? Is it a war zone? Uh, it was nice. And then yeah, I would wake up to gunshots and uh, grenade going off So crazy, huh? Yeah, my cousin, uh, stole a military grade like gas mask and a mace One time and he was just fucking firing it off. Oh, yeah It's always sunny in palestinia Another episode. How long have you lived in texas? Uh, i'm from chicago and visiting. Okay. Yeah, how long you visiting for? Uh until tomorrow morning. Have you noticed texans treat you a little bit differently than people in chicago?

Yeah, really nice. Yeah, really nice here. They are it's fucking wild They're really nice because they they see you and they don't hear your name and they assume you're just a white guy Yeah That's it You don't seem very mohamedy until uh until You uh talk about it. Yeah, like take off your hat for a second if you don't mind. Yeah, look at that I wouldn't have guessed I guess you're a little suspicious. Yeah I don't know. We might check your bags. We might just check it

Something set it off. It might be more than two ounces of liquid. You know, we're just going to give it a quick glance Uh, is it tough for you to fly you get stopped a lot? Uh, actually, no Really? They just see my name and they're just like, uh, it's too obvious. We'll change that Oh, he's writing down your name. Look at that. He's gonna send it into his buddies at uh tsa So what do you do for work? Oh, I'm a food lab uh scientist. What does that mean exactly? So, uh, well, I'm in quality control So I just pretty much all like uh the finish goes in like candies and beverages. I just check them out You try and you taste them. Oh, basically red band does that for a living too

What do you think about p terries? Oh, I don't I don't know what that is Have you eaten anything good since uh being here? Uh terry blacks terry blacks all the way. That's where uh, by the way That's who uh, I forgot to mention that's who fed us tonight terry blacks barbeque seriously one of the best in the uh One of the best in all of austin if not the best that's from um terry blacks underscore bbq Thanks to our buddy yoni over at best bbq show on all social media. Make sure you follow these guys Uh huge huge pieces of the team. So mohammed. Tell us more about your life. What else about you? You have a girlfriend up in chicago. I do not okay. What type of girls are you into? You're a palestinian. What? Pretty much. I would say like curvy girls

I like okay. Hell. Yeah. Yeah, you uh, you like a girl cleanly shaven or a gaza strip Oh I knew a palestinian somebody Two people know about global affairs here. Uh, yeah, I mean Stupid hill tony fans. I think I would say A woman who can hide a lot of explosives perhaps a little bit I guess Hulky woman who can really hide that fucking bomb Who's gonna get on an airplane with this motherfucker? That's what I want to know

What's your favorite part of the girl or boobs are but uh, but I'm a buck but all the way right a little bit of that rear end Definitely You're your most recent girlfriend. Was she american? Oh, yeah. Yeah, she was just a normal white girl. Yeah She's dead now, isn't she? Yeah Have you ever dated a jewish girl? Uh, I've hooked up with a jewish girl. What did that feel like? Was there like friction in between you guys and one of you just pull out a gun at some point It was a huge weird conflict and we never I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I hate you, bitch

I know how you people are You're not fooling me Uh, do you notice that uh, you naturally don't like jewish people? Uh, no, it's not that. No, how about your father? How about your father? Uh, yeah, you know Yeah, you got an idea. Yeah, so no, he doesn't like jewish people. It's it's on and off. It's a weird relationship Yeah I'd say zionist more zionist. Okay. How about your mom same thing? Yes, both are palestinian. Yeah, why do you think you came out so white? Uh, they're they look white too. So I have no idea all my cousins are like

Dark complexion and all of at least but I was the lucky ones. I guess absolutely How'd you get a job testing food? Uh, I went to school for biochemistry. Okay. I wanted to be a A dentist an orthodontist and I was like fuck that and then I wanted to be a meat scientist a meat scientist Yeah, my family owned a uh owned a slot a slaughterhouse. Your family owns a slaughterhouse. Yeah, they did So yeah, I would help out mostly jewish No It was halal. So it was nice. Wow

Right. Yeah, wow very very interesting How about you anything that you like to do other than uh, how long have you been on stand-up? Uh, just over a year just over a year other than stand-up comedy. What else do you like to do to pass the time? Uh, I play uh play video games, uh, yoga. I hate jews. Yeah, that's yep What type of video games what are we talking about flight flight simulator? No I know you're into that. You just restarting every five minutes. Uh Uh, I'll pick a new york city on this one. Uh No

I'm into uh, like shooters, uh, mostly fighting games and uh rpgs. That's awesome. Yeah, I fucking love it man Uh, what uh, who's your favorite stand-up comedian? Hmm, tony hingecliff. Uh, no, that's that's pandering. Uh, I would say that's tough I have a mount rush more. What was that noise? That was Ryan holtzman Doing the kiss of the ass sound effect from his who'd you say chapelle? Uh, yeah, I have a mount rush more. So it's like chapelle pat nozzel Dave chapelle and tom segura. Wow, you said chapelle twice. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, louis ck. I'm sorry

Rest in peace. No, that's great. That makes me do anything wrong. No That's That's tom segura after breaking his arm All right, mohammed so much fun. Congratulations. You got pulled anything else from mohammed I uh, I want to know Do you prefer blowing up bridges or buildings? Jesus christ Was there actually any food that you like tested that you like there was like something that happened like oh

Shit, we can't get these tootsie rolls out there. They uh, yeah, there was one where uh a company Ford like they uh adulterated some mint with corn mint and they got in a huge trouble. That was it It's not too excited. It's corn mint. Corn mint can be like a substitute for peppermint. So it can be it's just a cheaper thing That's all. Okay. They tried to go shady, but they didn't say that they did it in their ingredients, but you tasted it Yeah, I tasted it. If you had a good amount. It was weird. It tasted like gasoline. So wow You like that shit, don't you? Anything to do with explosives you just eat that shit up How if you don't hang around the front of this fucking club if you get off stage

There aren't any famous palestinian comedians. Am I correct? Um, no, I can't think of any It's incredible. You're you you could be on your path to being the first one ladies and gentlemen mohammed abbott. There he goes It's called tony debio He's on social media O-t-o-r-i-o-u-m-o-e There he goes. Oh, wow. Look at that some socks Absolutely. Hell yeah, there's gonna be some fucking dynamite shoved in those things on a plane ride

Everyone could use some good black socks Heck yeah, absolutely Look at this. Look who's just spraying down everybody in the front row right now It's like uh, it's like the gallagher of mic changers You know, you could spray the rag and just yeah Zach bogus doing his job like the kind of guy that sweeps in for his job Pull another name out of the bucket make some noise for anthony zamora anthony zamora There might be not enough anthony we might need samora. So we got anthony zamora. He's making his way to the stage

Yeah Yeah Could be could be latino, but anthony's italian We're gonna see what happens here. Here he is anthony zamora This is my first time I'll just go and just like I got fired from work today y'all Inappropriate behavior. That's what they called it. Um Oh, I spent the first 20 minutes of work on youtube looking at black people react to magic tricks They didn't like that I don't like that shit at all

So now So now it's fucked up though because like I don't have a job and like my girlfriend's just trying to be like Well, just you know, just like moving with me, you know moving with me. I'm like, I'm not trying to live with your parents though Be weird when I'm bringing other women home I gotta explain that to your mom I love I love her but she's a little she's getting more and more kinky the more we've dated I came home from work the other day and she had p terry's waiting for me on the table And she told me that she wanted me to come on the fries

Just all over the fries so she could eat them Which is weird, right? Because like usually you come on the side so you can dip it like a normal fucking Yeah, anthony zamora in and out Right before the bear came in What a set. Fuck yeah, congratulations. You did it. Believe it or not. He's shocked. He's shocked that that's what works in this room That's uh, it's amazing what jokes actually do Uh, anthony welcome. How old are you? Um, 24 24 years up. Yeah, you had to ask me that

What said you had to ask me that I had to think about it for a second. Yeah 24 Okay, okay, you're gonna do that with every question You're gonna say you had to ask me that well. He had to think of the idea that he was given That was true I love this. I love your look man. You look like you're wearing like a richard nixon halloween mask or something like that Really interesting face on you like if ray romano had a baby with a sea monkey or something like that Does it come off? I've tried

Pull it from the bottom So how long you've been dating this girl years? Uh, she doesn't exist Wow, look at that make believe make believe was but the peteri's part was true, huh? Yeah, no, that was yeah Anthony we were talking about it on your way to the stage We were trying to uh, guess what ethnicity you are and as that you've got closer. I'm guessing uh more latino than italian Correct. Yeah, right like a hundred percent. Yeah, a hundred Mexican. Mexican. There it is Absolutely. What do you do for work? Sales sales. What are you selling? Uh, what are you trying to buy?

Wow, look at that. He's a drug dealer everybody My goodness like a little Like a little play-doh version of scarface over here Uh, what do your parents do for work? We're gonna do a little segment of the show that we call same noise. Oh, how mexican are you? What do your parents do? My dad works for bp. There you go. That's pretty good a gas station. We'll call that a gas station How about your mom? What does your mom do? She works at the church. She works at the church as mexican as it gets That's bonus level mexican

Who does the landscaping at your uh home? Oh, they don't own a house some apartment. Oh shit super mexican Wow, how many people live in the apartment? She's them Oh, just the two of them just just two of them. You live by yourself. Yeah Wow, okay, that doesn't make any sense there. That's That's jewish music everybody How long have you lived by yourself? Oh, i'm sorry. I have a roommate, but yeah, wait, what I have a roommate. Oh, you have a roommate. Yeah, okay What does your roommate do?

Uh, same job sales. Wow. Look at that. You guys are just selling things to sell them Fuck yeah, you guys are like the chupacabras of wall street What do you like to do for fun anthony? Uh anything outside. That's why I love awesome High teen he just loves being outside is uh mexican as it gets My birthday at the park exactly birthday at the park Everybody everybody feel free to sing along after he does each uh mexican thing This is incredibly mexican. What do you think's the most mexican thing about you?

Um, I don't know. Um, I don't know. I don't even know what that means All right Oh, yeah, wow, look at that He got look at that the mexican drummer michael gonzalez got so excited that he did it with him He literally could not help himself These people are their own type of aliens even the white ladies Even the karen's remote kill are excited right now Look at this. They hear a latino guy

Doing that weird cry thing that they do but but it's like every mexican guy's always getting like raped before each Song can you do the mexican whistle? What's that? Is this is this another early? Do it do the mexican with come on do it Fucking do it Do the fucking whistle Do the fucking whistle dude. We're gonna wait all day. You got to do it. Nope. You got to do it

Your girl is saying that you know exactly what just do the fucking whistle. There's no way she's lying right now It's weirder that you're lying about not being able to do the whistle than it would be All right, that's not a fucking thing dude get these people out of here. I want them kicked out Just kidding. I'm just kidding Anthony so let's talk about it. Why do you think you don't have a girlfriend? Oh, that's a good question. When's the last time you went on a date? December Okay, all right. What happened in december. Let's talk about it. You were on a you're on a dating app

What kind of a whose profile picture are you using? The one on the id uh Wait, which question you want me to answer first? Uh, tell me about the date the date. Is it off a dating app? No, no, no, no. I uh, I met her just going out doing stand-up. I met her at a bar. Okay. She's a comedian No, no, no. She liked comedians though. She was just a fan. Just a fan groupie. Yeah, okay. Shuckle fucker. I like it So what what happened? Shuckle fuckers. It is stick with me over here. Anthony. Yep

So what happened after the show she came up to you? No, I went up to her. Okay. What'd you say give us all give us all an example of what uh being Worked over by a guy like anthony someora sounds like you go up to her and right into that microphone. What'd you say to her? Hello Jesus christ even my pussy dried up after that And then what'd she say? Hello, and then what'd you say? Nice to meet you. Jesus christ anthony. What was the move that worked for you? What'd you guys end up doing that night?

You take her back to Oh, yeah, we fucked. Yeah. Oh really? Yeah Damn Okay, how'd you do that your place or hers my place. Okay, where was your roommate? Oh, he wasn't there. Wow. Look at that. So he was holding her down Where'd you have sex with her the living room kitchen your bedroom? Oh my bedroom Okay, and how does that happen you let her in there and then what you guys are already making out or like how does that happen? You guys started in the living room worked your way to the bedroom. Did you go to watch pretend like stick with me anthony

Stick with me anthony you pretended like you were going to watch a movie perhaps or something like that like how did what happened in the No, we just we've had a good time. We were drunk. So we just went straight to the bedroom Did you make out before the bedroom? When we're in the bedroom, yeah The question is Jesus. This is a weird. It's a wonky one. You're taking it here. I don't know Did you make out before the bedroom or not until the bedroom? Oh, okay. No, we made it up before where? At the restaurant. Wow. What super mexican by the way, if you could please making out in restaurants Super mexican. What restaurant was it?

No, it's like off the seas of chavez like where the pearl street used to be The only street they like to take You'll never see hotinos on second or third No way if they're going east and west they're taking seas are shabbos All right, relax anthony relax So, uh, just some restaurant in seas are shabbos So you're making out at the restaurant you guys are sitting next to each other in like a booth Are you sitting across from one another the old table lean just dripping your spit right into the bowl of queso underneath you

Within a mexican restaurant Whoa, wow Kind of restaurants that you guys go to it was uh, italian. Wow. Look at that. Yeah, my goodness She's mexican too No white Really? Wow, look at that Fuck yeah

My goodness All right, anthony. Well, it's fun learning your game. So you had sex with her in your bedroom. What's that like condom? No condom A condom first time condom. Okay first time condom. Oh the karen's from okill actually They're very proud of you. They're thinking that perhaps their own children might be so, uh, might be so, uh Sanitary to use a condom when they're having sex, but we know white people don't do that Latinos have to use condoms because they make babies immediately fertile The whistler knows what i'm talking. How many kids do you two have like four kids?

Thank you I have a question. Do you have any posters hanging in your bedroom? Oh, yeah, what what's your posters? Good question red band Cesar Chavez You're kidding me. Is it really? Yeah, are you fucking serious? Are you fucking joking? You really have a poster and it's not framed is it? No Hell no, and do you have a jesus candle next to it? That thing's just right out there that cesar chavez

No frame just raw dog in the wall What other posters do you have? I know you have more than one uh The white parents are most disappointed that your picture is not framed She said i'm exactly right. I don't know how to frame it if you can show me you have a very You just go to a store you can build a frame Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. There he goes. Anthony Zamora everybody did jokes the crowd loves him Great interview. Great job, anthony. Fuck. Yeah

Wow Look who just got a new alligator skin hat and a shot glass from brian holzman. Wow brian light brian really I Wow he put the hat right on anthony Zamora you gotta come up come back sign up again anthony Definitely anthony's are good people you can always trust in anthony Yes indeed right now we're gonna do something special a guy that got famous during some of the quarantine episodes of kill tony We found out about him and his insane relationship with of all things a mexican woman who was

trying to uh Trying to make his life absolute hell this guy is an amazing joke writer Really really really came out to shine during these pandemic episodes of the show And he's here for us right now visiting austin texas from los angeles. Here he is ryan joseph everybody. It's the return of ryan joseph So i've been going over this girls house every night And i'm starting to feel like i should tell her

I don't i don't get why people get freaked out about their parent hearing their parents have sex It's way worse when they like make you open your eyes So my best friend's pregnant because she got raped and she wants to know she called me if I think she should have the kid and i'm like what are you what are you gonna say to that like my bad? I Got robbed and the first thing like my racist father said was like, whoa, were they hispanic or black? I'm like dad. I don't know. That's why i told the cops they were black My girlfriend i both come from a broken home

I don't talk about my shit that much, but she just can't stop talking about what mom did to us Oh Ryan joseph ending it right before the bear Traveled a long way for this. Did you drive from los angeles to austin or fly or what? No, I was like 70 bucks just It's so easy to get here round trips 70 bucks like on delta And they like like space it out. So you don't have to be next to people What do you love about austin you've been here for what a couple days? I've been here for like four days just been doing shows. There's freedom. Although you guys are still wearing masks

Dude, there's still pussies out here Whoa, such a weird backhanded compliment there Yeah, I thought there's freedom here. I mean you guys have shows, but I don't know why everyone's wearing a mask Yeah, they have free the freedom to choose whether to wear a mask or not. You fucking nimrod I think he's one of these guys that did things that That's why you don't think crone exists like you're an anti Yeah, the flu does exist. It's a part of the flu. Yeah, you don't you don't think there's actually a corona virus It's a virus. It's never going away. Have you uh, have you had it? No

Guys, is anyone here have corona that he could spit in this guy's mouth, please do it I don't want to tell people how to do that We shut the all right. If you guys think that's great that we shut down the world for nothing I'm sorry. Wow ryan. What other uh, what other wild conspiracies, uh, do you have up your sleeve? uh Everyone's like mad at me. No. Yeah, because you're being a fucking dumbass Oh red bands really mean seriously. He's high risk for corona virus. So he's really offended right now I mean like I think we've all had people that have died from corona in our families. I can you have yes

Yes, my cousin's girlfriend died 18 Uh head of the the swimming like she was like perfect health and died. Wow, that's health and died Yeah Oh, now there's somebody else mad. I should give up. I'm lying about it. Yeah, that's what I do Well, well, he's talking about dead people. Let's just relax about the dead people rant that we're going on here I'm sorry to offend you. I just don't think all right He's entitled to his opinion. Isn't he? No, it's America. It's not America. It's not America Where the fuck am I with a female referee? That's where the fuck I am

That's right So ryan tell us about uh, tell us about your uh, your experiences here in texas while not insulting the entire audience at once Uh, it's been pretty cool, man. Like doing shows all the time. I love it. What else other than shows? Um, what else have you done in texas? Just staying in my hotel room and like You know masturbating Okay, so you famously uh had a crazy girlfriend For the long time listeners of this show or for the consistent listeners of this show ryan became very popular during the pandemic episodes Is a great joke writer obviously brand new minute every single week

But then we would find out more and more we would get updates about this crazy ex girlfriend of his Yeah, and uh, so what's the new update? Is there any update? I haven't talked to her in a while But the girl that I fucked to get back at her She found out I have a new girlfriend and she started reaching out to like she was like Oh, this is why you didn't want to be with me. She started messaging random girls on my instagram And so I blocked my new girlfriend just to find out if how to block this bitch And then my new girlfriend was like why'd you block me? And then

She found out that I've been lying to her. I've been lying to her my new girlfriend a lot so i'm in trouble Right Okay Wow, I guess that's a story Uh, what else ryan? What else has been happening since the last time you were on this show? um Not much tony just doing mics. Um Any drugs drugs? Yes. I'm addicted to an eastern drug called medafinil. Wow. Tell us more about medafinil

I think everybody here would love it. What is it? What it's not a type of eastern You mean east of the 35? I order it from india. I order it from india. They're great people Okay, so you like indians, but not texans. That's good. I like you guys. I do. I don't like mass I'm sorry for having feelings about stuff. It's all right. It's okay ryan This could not possibly be any more depressing. When did you get on the meda? What is it medafinil? It's a smart drug. It's not but go ahead This is your worst performance ever in the history of the show. So I don't know. It is smart of a drug that you could possibly be on It's a new tropic

Not smart enough to not tell texans that wearing masks that they're all pussies for wearing masks at the top of your interview Well, it's just how I feel, but I'm sorry for saying So tell us about okay. Got it. But so tell us about the effects. What does this drug do for you? Dude, like obama was taking it Hillary clinton. That's why i'm so progressive. Oh, hilly clinton. Damn Okay, what it does is it they they prescribe it they prescribe it to like narcolepsy patients, right? But they use it off label like in um silicone valleys CEOs And it just makes you like a genius

Yeah, did it make you a genius? Obviously What what what type of genius decisions have you been making in life since being on? I'm still on um, uh paid administrative leave for my job Because they found out I I write the jokes that I write and they're investigating me Yeah, that was before midafodil. No, that was that was with the midafinal Wow, so you lost a job on this awesome drug. No, I get paid for doing nothing I'm obviously I'm obviously doing something right. How long have you been doing it for?

Uh, probably for like a couple years. Really? You just get it shipped to you. Yeah, you can get it shipped to you from india. Yeah Okay It's it doesn't get you high. It doesn't it just like how does it make you feel it makes you feel like a wake Uh-huh gives you energy. Uh, yeah, so it's not like a drug. No But it gives you energy. Yeah Okay, it's different. It's just like you feel like a wake It doesn't get you out sounds confusing to me People don't know about it, but it's great

Because they're hiding it. Yeah Yeah Why are they hiding it because they don't want everyone to be that smart This is my last appearance on kill tony everyone. Wow. Oh, look at you retiring before we tell you to knock them back I already know it is the guy that quits while being fired. You know what you can't fire me because I quit I already know it is so whatever. Wow. Yeah, have you been depressed lately? Dude like I do have a new girlfriend and my fucking ex-girlfriend ruined it by like calling her and telling her what a liar I am How did she get her number?

Well, she didn't it was because I blocked her my new girlfriend And so my new girlfriend was like what the fuck you blocking me for what's going on and she's smart Um And yeah, when you say she's smart is she midafidel smart? No, no, no She's smarter than she's smarter than me. She keeps me grounded as you can tell. Yeah, absolutely But um, no, so then I had to tell her everything because I was Sleeping with both of them at the same time There you go, I wasn't exclusive though

I wasn't I basically I did what the Dominican girl did to me for a guy that's awake on midafidel You're sleeping around a lot, huh? It's a good one It's a good one. You had to have both at the same time. Why do you think that is? Why do you have a why do you have an insatiable appetite the new girlfriend's not quite as exciting as the crazy Mexican ex? She actually saw me on kill tony and reached out to me. Wow. You brought us together Uh-huh, but she's like in love with michael lair. Right. Yeah. No, I love that. She's using me to get to michael lair Okay, but she lives in portland and so for a while. It was just like us being like friends and shit

And then it became like more I was going to go up at seer, but I was having like friends with benefits Wait, doesn't your mexican ex's Doesn't wait doesn't the guy that she was cheating on you with doesn't he live in portland? No, that's another girl Oh, this is the girl that I this is all confusing. Yeah, there goes ryan joseph everybody there. He goes ryan joseph His last time on kill tony retired tonight. I wasn't even gonna tell him not to come back, but he did it Okay moving on Medaffa dill everybody steer clear. I don't I don't believe it's fda approved

Anybody who believes in medaffa dill and not the corona virus maybe keep an eye on Some of these episodes of kill tony are really just You know, some people do like nfl will do one week where it's like mental health awareness week. We do every episode What's next a female quarterback Your next comedian goes by the name of thomas penza everyone thomas Penza Right, right here coming from the audience One more time for thomas penza everybody

What's happening austin Listen I don't know about you guys, but I don't understand like what the obsession with politics is right now Like All right trump, right? He's a successful business person. Uh, yeah, and by successful I mean he's had more successful bankruptcies than businesses. Okay, cool So as a politician you just have to be a hypocrite in order to be involved like kamala harris Have you seen her prosecutorial record? Everyone's like, oh, she's so good for the minority community

But she was uh, you know as the prosecute prosecutor, uh, ag of california she, uh Kept people for slave labor. She, uh Hit evidence that would release a person from jail I mean it doesn't seem good Uh Normally I hate it when people yell things from the audience, but that guy's what at the end of that set was priceless. Thank you, sir Only one out of every 10,000 heckles do I appreciate but that was fitting right there. It was literally shock The question what like he genuinely was asking you what?

Like what did you mean? That was incredible. It's like watching if uh, john oliver did a drama or something like that. I was like, uh One man play with just fucking no punch up whatsoever Wow, that's how it felt. Yeah. Yeah, my goodness gracious. You uh, this is your first time to unstand up No, no, no a couple I've done it a couple times. I did it a couple weeks ago a couple weeks ago. We're at here On kill tony. Yeah with joe rogan when joe rogan. Oh my god. Wow. What did you go up first that day? Yeah Oh, that's right. You know how I remember because I I did because it was bad Yeah, no, I only remember because I remember the first guy that went joe rogan said you need to do something else different different, yeah

Yeah And like I just had a flashback. I don't remember you looking away. I don't remember what you talked about But after seeing that said it makes sense that He would give that kind of advice The funniest thing was that after like after joe rogan told me like you need to do something different I took I took two weeks off of drinking and smoking weed like entirely Right quitter, you know, I exactly exactly But so I I drank a bunch today

And then I didn't even expect to get on because there was 80 people, you know on the list He didn't expect to get on because you signed your name on a show where it means to put out a bucket I knew it was a possibility, but like I just I didn't really prepare that much And so we know yeah, I know you can tell I know I know I know you know It's bad when D madness is crying back. He's back here wiping tears from his eyes He can't even see me and he knows how fucked up that was. I get it. I get it. He could hear it though. He could hear it very clearly Very very very interesting. He's fucking actually hears better than most people in this room. So he's really sad That's why he's crying right now. He's steve wondering what the fuck he thought was gonna happen up here tonight

So Let's talk about it. Thomas. Yes, sir. What do you do for work? I'm a poker dealer a poker dealer indeed. Yes, absolutely my goodness I moved I moved here from, uh, massachusetts. I told you before I was in boston, you know, you know Yeah, needle me on that uh comedy scene, but I uh, I had like eight months off During the pandemic, you know, we got laid off all the casino employees got, uh, you know canned And uh, I came down here because I felt like, you know, there was a bunch of people that I worked with That liked it down here and you know, they were doing some, uh, open mic stuff and I said fuck it like let's move

You know, let's see what happens. Right that makes sense You get made fun of a lot by friends and family Uh, yeah, it depends. It depends on the situation, but yeah, it happens a lot a lot not a lot Not a lot, but how do they make fun of you? What do they make fun of? um I don't know your lack of a chin Oh Natasha loves it. No, not not. I don't know. It's Natasha

Cheryl Her his wife. Oh, that's a your mocha casher joke. Everybody. Yeah, that is Inside baseball. Yes Uh, so yeah, what did they make fun of about you? Uh, I don't know. I I feel like you generally don't get made fun of a lot But I don't put myself in a position to be made fun of I'm just kind of like laid back We have tonight you fucking asshole You're fucking mother fuck get up on a stage and tell a bunch of jokes that aren't funny. Yeah, I get it like that

That would generally lead you to be made fun of What do you do? What do you do for fun? What's what are some things that would uh, some redeeming qualities about thomas? We'll leave the comedy stuff out. Uh, I uh, I I played disc golf. Uh, okay. That's fun. Yeah. I uh, what else? Uh Regular golf I play poker like, uh, you know, I'll play cash games tournaments. Uh Do you have any posters in your bedroom or So I have actually one poster in my bedroom Uh, when I went to vegas the first year I went to vegas

I played the uh, the $10,000 main event the poker tournament And uh, I was at uh freemont and there was a guy doing like freestyle art whatever and it was like a star wars You know poster so there was like a death star and then like luke and uh, uh vader like, you know, battle in the middle Fucking I got that on the wall. It's one of my favorites. It's one of the work you are. Yes, sir. It's a professional nerd All right, what do you think's the nerdiest thing about you because you said that like that was cool There's a lot. There's a lot. There's a really really special star wars poster one of a kind I was in vegas checking out the freemont hotel like so much information in that fucking

Dog shit star wars poster story. So what do you think's the nerdiest thing about you the nerdiest thing about me? Be honest here. Think about your day. Think about how it starts what you go through the types of things that you do Decisions that you think there's a lot. There's a lot. There's a lot. Uh, I played I played magic the gathering professionally for a while Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I played let me ask you this What's the coolest thing about you like if you were the coolest thing about if a girl saw you do something that you do and was like Wow, thomas. Uh, so despite all the nerdy shit about me. Uh, I also do like uh, some dancing stuff Like oh my fucking god. What kind of music do you dance to? Uh, more like funky stuff like funky

You're a killtony band ladies and gentlemen specializes in funky. Give me some funky stuff Let me remind you this is the thing that he said was the coolest thing about him. It's close. It's close. It's close We went past the nerdy thing about him. This is now the coolest thing about him Thomas you better dance your fucking heart out. Feel free to put the mic back in the mic stamp of this ladies and gentlemen thomas pennza looking for redemption right here Oh Oh

I kind of like it tonic I don't want it to ever end. He's gyrating He keeps doing this thing with it I didn't want that to ever end if you if you guys just went for three more hours. I just would have sat here like this enthralled Oh my god, I was fucking Mick loving it on that the weakest high five to the Wow, I mean the way that you dance. It's like all robot like there's like snakes moving around the way that you do that It's fucking

I get the feeling he's never paid for sex Really? My goodness and you do that sometimes at the club or something like that And and that works for you girls come up to you after that was like I have fun I'm not worried about that girls come right up to you and they get in your face And they're like just want to ask you like what the fuck is wrong with you Like are you are you okay remind me of the lame from sign field when she was doing that Oh, yeah, it really was for those of you just listening to this podcast. You're really missing out

It was exactly like a lame from sign belt In fact his dancing that he said was the coolest thing about him was the most comedic thing he did Went up here the comedy was dramatic You should mix you should mix the dancing with comedy. You should find out you really should wait You know what? You know what I think we should do. I think let's do an experiment here The band plays at half volume, right? Just sort of like light and smooth the same type of thing you were just playing but just a voluminously lower And you do the exact same act that you did while doing some of your dance moves during it

Just yeah, just do everything with the one arm and keep the one arm the mic in front of you This is going to be 60 seconds from thomas penza doing the act he did earlier. They got zero laughs But while dancing and doing the exact same act, this is a great experiment. This is thomas penza All right Got dance, you know what I learned about the past in the past year I learned That our government fucking sucks I

Mean think about it. Look at the pandemic chrudo. He's up in Canada. He's giving everybody $2,000 checks He's in blackface thinking he's Oprah. Oh, do it here you get a check and you get a check What do we get $1,200 Oh one month's rent once. Thank you, sir. Are you sure you don't want any change? It's incredible The crowd goes wild hard laughs throughout we figured it out We figured it out sometimes on kill tony We do all the math in just a few minutes about how to take someone from zero to fucking

40 miles zero plus one and then dain cook was created Wow Yee-ha giddy up You you know you you did it. Well, you figured out your stand-up You took some jokes right on the right on the part between your neck and your bottom lip there Ladies and gentlemen, congratulations. He had a huge breakthrough here today. It's thomas penza thomas penza figuring it out I think you should do also some dance moves after each punch line. Yeah like that

Yep Oh my god coming to the paramount theater in the next year. It's going to be headlining his own shows One day i'm going to be opening up for that guy You guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? All right Your next comedian goes by the name of ben horn everyone ben horn Has been selected

He's coming in from the back door I like that I think that if he actually had a band behind him and did comedy it would probably work Yeah, people would really it worked here Just to let you know we know that that won't actually work, but it worked here Here he is ben horn Thanks, uh, so before I did comedy I was infantry in the army for 10 years And yeah, thanks, and the question people always ask me is if you ever killed anybody and I always say yeah

I used to have two sisters One of them wouldn't put out so I Picked up a lot of bad habits from the military like I pee in the shower That's one of them my girlfriend thinks it's weird, but I think it's because I sit when I pee Also, I take baths so I watch way too much porn too, I didn't think I had a problem until the other day I noticed the keys were getting stuck when I was typing Yeah, my phone's a touchscreen, so all right, thanks

You have a 20 seconds left if you want to do any more if you want to be done you can be done But now close it with that's it. That's it 38 seconds from ben horn getting out while the getting is good I love it. So ben welcome to the show. Is your first time on yeah first time hell. Yeah I'd like your style man. Uh, you were in the army was yeah, and you look like you clearly fought in the civil war. Yeah No, that's steve that steve rin is easy man. He solves mysteries I literally just got that for the first time outside like five minutes ago. There you go. Absolutely. So there you go Uh, so what uh, when did you get done with the army? Uh, was it like two and a half years ago, and you that's when you started stand up. Yeah, basically, okay

Where'd you have to go for the army? Uh stateside, um, did you vomit your mouth a little bit when there was a palestinian up here earlier? I Where'd you go stateside like when I was stationed here? It was a new york, kentucky, uh, and then l l passos where I ended it and then overseas just afghanistan Oh, okay. There you go. You saved afghanistan for last there. I was about to talk shit You're like, yeah, I thought the battles of new york kentucky and el paso Oh, yeah in afghanistan a

Yeah, a bomb filled war zone. What was that like? How long were you in afghanistan for? Oh way too long. Um, it sucked. Yeah sucked real bad, right? But I don't know. It's fun. Yeah. What was fun about it? Tell us these people want to know I don't know like uh, you you figure out I mean you find weird ways to entertain yourself when you have nothing else to do like killing random people with sniper rifles Yeah, just anybody walking by like what kind of ways of entertaining like I remember one time My buddies uh got naked and covered themselves in like the glow stick Like goo from the inside and just started running into everybody's rooms like in the middle of the night waking people up

Okay, hilarious. Okay. Did they dance like the last guy at all while they were doing it? No, no, no way better dance frightening Just a lot of practical jokes just raffin on each other. You've been back for two and a half years Do you have any uh, like uh, anything's you have nightmares and stuff still or anything like that? No, no, that's pretty cool Yeah, I got I got away pretty easy Heck, yeah, the republicans love that Yeah, absolutely. I love this table by the way. Yeah, they're great. We need we always need to save that table for like actual like I don't know like uh, like uh Successful white people or something. It seems like a good that's that they mix in with the whistling mexicans and the fucking uh

Not sure what type of wild thing is going on here. You ever watch these two and any of the porns that you watch This table right here. She looks familiar. Yeah That dude has his leg up really high on the table. He does and he has his mask on Deeply, I do believe this is bane from batman sitting in the front row Your jokes about me and my daughter not appreciated Uh, so ben, what do you do for work now? I just work at a grocery store. Really? Which grocery store? Oh h e b Oh We love h e b here at kill tony

Huge supporters all the way through and through wait wait h e b plus no no just normal h e b It doesn't matter brian. Wait a wait a wait a wait a damp and down a great energy in the room You go to h e b plus. Is that for is that for fat people? Yes H e b plus thighs. No, it's got everything Yeah, I bet it does I love it. So what exactly do you do at h e b? I'm just a personal shopper So whenever people do those online orders, I just walk around with a big cart and grab everybody's shit throw it in there I love it. Absolutely. My goodness. We were actually just uh placing an order today for h e b and the website went down for some reason

You know what get it together You know one thing I've noticed about h e b though horrible meat. Not the best. That is not true I love their meat. They famously have good meat. Nope. Yeah, I'm a fan Go get go go go get a ribeye from h e b and then go get a ribeye from cosco cosco hundred times better Oh god, this is also coming from red band who believes that mcdonald's is healthy for you Uh, it mits to drinking orange drink from mcdonald's. Let's have a grill off Uh Brian what are you gonna grill? Yeah, come to my house. I'll I'll do a blind taste test. Well, okay. We got to bring d madness

Yeah, bring the blind guy. D madness is there bring the blind guy There's no doubt d madness will tell you which one is cosco and which one is h e b h e b has famously good meat I don't like it. What did you have from h e b? I've had a lot of meat from there Why did you keep getting meat if you didn't like the meat from there? Well, because I feel like I keep on getting bad Meat like I'm like, oh, this might be just like a bad cut. Are you the one cooking it? Yeah, no, but like if you get like a ribeye, it's like that thin and then you go to cosco's like you got a fat ribeye Oh, so what you want is a thicker cut steak is what you're saying. Yeah, and they don't offer that They are they do if you go to the butcher

I did that toning. Brian is In full nonsense mode tonight I did it twice you went to the butcher and said I want a thicker cut and they didn't give you a thicker cut No, they're like, here's what we got. Okay. You work at h e b So you can clearly say that they will cut a steak the way you want it Yeah, because any grocery store in the world will do that In the world is the crazy part of what you're saying. Well, they're normal steaks though are not fat. They're like really thin rib-eyes I mean depends on okie dokie

I How much of the prostitutes in afghanistan? I mean And how do you pay him? Do you pay him or do you just kill him when you're done? No, I'm just want to know I just want to know Do you pay him in really anything? I mean the exchange rate over there is insane It's like the dollars like 28 dollars over there. What about the language barrier?

How do you get them to do flatio? I just use a terp use point to use an interpreter and say oh an interpreter tell her I want oral Right, and then he makes it happen. Okie dokie. Uh, I think that part of the afghani prostitute in part of the interview And you climaxed in her mouth. Did you obviously? Yeah, yeah You give her the old fucking abadabad special. Yeah, wow, they're different over there. They have different techniques, you know It's like this or is it like this they do it upside down, which is weird Busted right in her fucking little uh, are they three holes? No, I'm just curious. I'm just curious. Where would the third hole be? Uh, I mean the more you shoot them the more holes are in

Oh Ben horn Ben's got it I love it man. Brian was in the military for a long time. He's a you got in a lot of trouble He did a lot of bad things. He's been all over the world. Where have you been? Mm-hmm. Yeah, red. Are you teeing up something here? Yeah, I mean he has good stories about it Okie dokie

Moving on so ben. What else about you? What would we be surprised to uh to know about? About ben horn, man I don't know. I got another um I just got out of a long-term relationship. Oh, she's gay. Really? She's a lesbian now. Yeah, she's fully gay Did you have hints that she was a lesbian before she announced it to you? Was she trying to just uh, was she doing a lot of licking above your butthole? I mean Like your legs up. Was she trying to eat out the area between your balls and your butt? Is that her mustache? Yeah, you got the mustache and the divorce she uh

She did used to pull a blanket over my head every time I'd go down on her Oh That's a thing. That's what they start to do when they start turning into a lesbian And her favorite sexual position was scissoring. So that should probably yeah, that does it Your should have balls are still sore from all that scissoring. She started wearing a lot of snapbacks and flannel How recent was the uh, how recent was the breakup? Um, was this like uh about a year ago? Did she become a lesbian after she saw thomas penza dance? I

She does she read does she like Go ahead. There's probably some new lesbians after that one for sure. Does she like football? She does. Yeah Did she tell you she was a lesbian or did she leave you and then No, no, no, that's how that's how we broke up. She sat me down one day and she was like, yo, dude. I'm I'm gay Do you think she's being honest? Do you think she's telling you that so that you don't murder the man that uh, no, she's she's got a she's got a girlfriend She's she's full blown full

Well, she's all the way in it. She won't be blown much of anything now that she's a lesbian. Wow. What was her hair like? Um, like short girly hair. I don't know. It's short girly hair. How short? Uh, I don't know like Okay, shoulder length. She got combat boots on. Yeah Lesbian that's true. You ever catch her wearing your uh, big old lesbian combat boot wearing bitch. Yep I hate men. I hate men. I hate men. Well, fuck you. We hate you Ben, I absolutely love that uh, someone like you can serve our country come back two and a half years ago start a stand-up comedy career and do it You know for a guy that's been to afghanistan, you're probably the most mentally stable person that was up here tonight. It's crazy

you would have thought You would have thought some of the people One guy brian had to rip his jacket off to give him a gift and meanwhile he didn't do anything for the united states of america I mean at this point, it's just kind of hard to like shake me. You know what I mean? Like how come you didn't stay in? Why did you leave the military and did you receive an honorable discharge? Yeah, I got an honorable it was just uh My brain and body stopped working as well. So it's like I think you left voluntarily. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't want to make it a career I did at first. That's why I did 10 years But at 10 years you either stay in for an additional 10 until you retire or you get out when they discharged you

Did they tell you that it's because they're a lesbian? Yeah There he goes ben horn everybody great performance. He's on instagram at the ben horn. He's got that name All one word the ben horn spelled exactly how it sounds brian holtzman just gave him a what you give him What was that ben show us what he gave you? Ben What did he give you come here? No code this way this way this way ben This way over here come come here. What did he give you hold that up? What is that? Oh

Some african art very exciting. Look at that. There he goes ben horn Zach are we are we ready for that thing? Okay ladies and gentlemen. It is a special treat Here we go. This is also one of the newest residences of austin texas ladies and gentlemen a regular on the show for a Quite a while now absolutely unbelievable trained originally from uh Brooklyn new york queen's new york trained in the art of improv in chicago, illinois It's been doing comedy for over 20 years a new minute of kill tony here by the regular The one the only the great michael lair. Everybody is here

Wow Proud goes wild I said explain I Should explain um I do characters on this show

and this is a new character named patch animals Patch animals Being unknown Sam comic now

Tony do you know what Sam means Do I know what what means sim sim s. I. M. Sam stem STM stem Yes, yes, what is this stand for? size

technology engineering and math Yeah, I'm the unknown sim comic and now I'm a Classically trained specimen So I want to develop this character in front of you. All right first off One we need to know that i'm the unknown

science technology engineering And math comic. Thank you now I need to um Find my voice of this character Now my inspiration

Is buffalo bill from sunlets of the land All right so I like to Go through the table And to hearing in my ear If the three you one at a time can say

Put the lotion in the basket Brian again Put the lotion in the basket All right next Okay, uh put the lotion in the basket. All right. Has no one seen this fucking movie Your time You know what I'm talking about

Put the lotion in the basket. Thank you Oh, I didn't know you wanted us to say I like buffalo, but I was playing it like myself I would have done it the best you asshole really really bad really bad. Yeah, you've been doing 80s references all night you All right, I'm prepared Now if I may I'm a Classically trained Thirsty man

So I need to warm up my instrument Before I do a new character because like I said By 2025 Everyone on a Saturday night life Will be in a weird town So I'm preparing My audition all right

Now Thank you. Thank you. I got you back governor. The roughest start All right, so vocal warm-ups Topical bodega topical bodega Topical bodega Oriental's are rugs not people Oriental's are rugs not people Oriental's are rugs not people

Arminians are not mma fighting drag racing Identity thieves Arminians are not mma fighting Drag racing Identity thieves Cock fighting is not the national pastime of Puerto Rico Cock fighting is not the national pastime of Puerto Rico

Cock fighting is not the national pastime of Puerto All right, I'm warmed up. Are you guys ready for patch Adams? I'm All right This is my newest character patch Adams the unknown sand comic So

If they clone the sheep does that mean I got two sheep pregnant A squared plus A squared plus B squared it goes B where Pythagorean was a peddler You know what you're still is there more? No, I'm In fact, um I hopefully will die today

No, I'm kidding. You're good. I'm kidding. He's just hey put the full pollution on the boss There you go red band with a callback from six minutes ago Michael what's going on buddy? How you feeling? It's been a bad week. Yeah, what happened? You got ALS? Yeah I got this one hundred and fifty real mystery and You never know. I'm a nice kind of girl But

I'm happy for Brian Holtzman to be here Because there's no one else I just like more Wow, you you're not a big Brian Holtzman. No, he's I will beat your ass Yeah, I know I will kick your fucking ass. I don't care about the chair I know and like that's all you have me in your life That you can beat um a man who's five four seven

In a wheelchair Who has a muscular dinhana red disease? And I'll sneak up on you You wouldn't even see me coming Oh, I hear you Oh shit you can put that thing in reverse Michael I noticed uh, I noticed earlier uh before the show started which was uh, I think about three hours ago In the green room that you were already drinking vodka red bowls, uh

But you like to share a little bit of the audience with uh about how much you drank today Because we don't know where the al s ends and the alcoholism begins exactly right now. It just seems like we're hanging out with an alcoholic Yeah Well, I like to keep the ladies guessing Oh shit. Yeah that way you can never get knocked for drinking too much. You're gonna just be like my hands Oh Michael lair, I mean, you know, I noticed that a lot of ladies like Absolutely adore you this guy gets just like what what's his name?

Ryan joseph was saying earlier He has girls hitting him up flirting with him in order so that they can eventually just get somewhere close to Michael lair Yeah, tell us about the some of the magic. How do you how do you think that works? Like, what do you think it is? Um, well, um, um, I've done many theories throughout the year I mean yours one of them was with women, I'm like The man you want to marry and the kid you want to have um

And then I'm I'm a mother fucker and I step to anyone because no one will call my buff Absolutely, right? I'm yeah, and I got a reasonable accent Love the intangibles And I want my choice Like I have a cute face. I'm Procossus as a mother fucker

I have a reasonable accent I'm very simple fucks And then on top of that I built You know the genius comedy you saw in the night. Yeah Yeah, hell yeah, plus he has a left hand a left hand that doubles as a vibrator anytime, uh, he lifts it above his Well, i'm tony, you know my disease is Differencing And um, I can I know some guys that dance just to try to end up looking like you

I know I dance like this because we did tonight It's thomas penza sitting right over there still hasn't killed himself everybody. I'm sorry to cut you off, michael Is there another Is there another what? Another hand in here There's not another handy in here. Is there no there's a guy that literally missing a handy out front though I don't even know can we call that guy handy capped or just no no he's just he's just cap. He's just cool He's fucked up. He's definitely fucked up

I can't I didn't call back anything But now when i'm interested in that much right right absolutely Why do you get to go on the airplane first? That's what I want to know Yeah I'm sick and tired of waiting for you to get on the fucking airplane But they when I get off and you get off last when I get off first Yeah, but they strut me in like handball vector All right to the fucking beverage cart

You're getting your fucking whiskey and coke I'm like I'm You motherfucker Yo Hey, I'm in on tinderland in orson and a lot of you girls like beers And for brian, I hope you like guys who have a pussy under their nose I'm gonna beat your ass. I'm gonna beat you down

Oh Oh my god, you two are a dynamic duo together. I actually once watched uh, michael lair on dead air Um, I've uh, I'm a big fan of your podcast brian holtzman and uh, I'd love that episode michael lair on uh holtzman's podcast did you have fun that day? Yeah, but never again I'll tell you why No, I for real. No, we're not putting any ramps in there. All right, that's it Yeah, right. Um, you know, the only women you date need ramps

all right now I've been on brian show And now I killed I absolutely killed But I made the mistake Bringing with me a friend with blue size cities and an extra small sportsman And always wears lulu lemons So even though I killed

He had her on 10 episodes on her man. That's true. Never me again Hollywood motherfuckers We're big in here We're bad at being exploited My goodness gracious Wow Babs and beef it's a shame I feel like I'm made up for

The earlier part of my set. Yeah, you did. Yeah. Yeah, this is great. You're in the zone right now It wasn't great, but it was good. Absolutely this morning. Do you have lights inside of your jacket? I'm seeing lights from my angle What is happening? Oh, fuck Well Here's a lesson to all your comedians out on the street don't overcomplicate them because

man This is hard It really is hard But you make it look easy Michael lair Michael lair comedy.com. He did it again guys. He just moved here two weeks ago Brian Holtsman moved here this week It's all happening This is going to be the biggest comedy city in the world. It's already

It's already arguably up there because there's shows happening here We're doing this every monday a little fun fact because everybody's been asking because these shows sell out And then they sell out again and again and again and again They go on sale every uh monday at noon on the anton's website So that's how it happens a lot of people wonder because it sells out so fast 95 people in the room tonight give yourselves a hand for uh coming up That's every episode here I'm gonna make a hand for this drawing from ryan j ebelt. We're seeing it live right now for the very first time

And it's so sweet Wow, look at that fucking thing get in super close there ryan. It's me. Oh my god ryan j ebelt Gets noticeably better at art every week. It's frightening red bands attacking holtsman with a sledgehammer I'm standing over all of them sort of like a puppet master of some kind This is super fucking cool Wait till you guys see this on the video ryan j ebelt dot com for everything including the new kill tony the coloring book And everything how about a big hand for ryan j ebelt sitting through the show in los angeles

How about a big hand for tonight's guests the host of dead air Ladies and gentlemen, he's got a new merch store. It is holtsman dot store Believe it or not You can get all the new holtsman merch holtsman dot store brian anything else. Oh, yeah Follow him at twitter. He's at holtsman brian on facebook. He's brian holtsman and on instagram He's brian holtsman all one word b r i a n h o l t z m a n guys

I don't know about you, but i am obsessed with this band am i right john d's on the keys Follow him at john keys j o n k e y z michael gonzalez on drums Follow him at mike a gans g o n z one three Mike a gans 13 d madness is on social media at lorenzo dwayne jackson And matt mulling on the electric guitar is at mutation at m u e h t a t i o n mtm makes music dot bandcamp dot com listen to some of his new music And check out john d's his new single to drop this week on his instagram at john keys j o n k e y z

Hey, look at this painting behind us. Oh, yeah in the painting from um christ rogers. Wow It's brian red band as American psycho it really is a painting. Wow, that's awesome He did that during the episode brian j look Love that ryan j There show the phone come here bring it here bring it here bring it here. He did a painting of just red band crazy

That's amazing man ryan j come out to texas We miss you one more hand for ryan j about christ rogers art. He's a christ rogers art michael lair comedy dot com Holtzman dot store red band. Hey, you know holtzman just moved back or moved to austin We are bringing back the podcast dead air brian holtzman's podcast We do a new episode this week go to desk squad dot tv to check that out Audience we do it every week right here. It's so much fun. These shows are a blast shout out to phoenix We had so much fun here this past weekend in phoenix, arizona

We're going to miami in two weeks and some other dates getting ready to be announced the vaccinations are coming people Our new president joe biden really getting it done incredible Incredible what he's doing the work that he single-handedly is doing sure. I'm glad we have this dead rabbit in the office Anyway, live audience. Thank you guys so much. Good night everybody Oh Oh Oh You