KILL TONY - #495 - MIAMI - BENJI AFLALO

Episode Date: March 5, 2021

Benji Aflalo, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Michael Lehrer, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/26/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Ban, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode, including video portions to the show, and if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. We are at Antones every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road, and we also have a bunch of other comedy shows. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Tony's website is TonyHinchCliff.com. There he has his tour dates and his merch. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe. You have everything there. Hats, T-shirts, go to ShopSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Ban coming to you live from the Miami Impro! For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony HinchCliff! Miami! Yeah! Sweet, sweet, Miami, Florida! Brian Redban's hair right now! We realize this week that this is indeed somehow the only major city in the English-speaking world that we haven't done until tonight, everybody.

This is the first ever Kill Tony in Miami, Florida. Some of you have lived here your whole lives, taking scooters up and down Okeechobee Road, wondering, will there ever be a Kill Tony? What are the local hopefuls like in my city? How will they shape up to the rest of the world? And we are going to find out here tonight. Redban, we're excited about this. Absolutely. I can't wait to see it. We went to Melbourne, Australia, Sydney, Australia, Brisbane,

before coming here to the Swamplands of South Beach. My goodness gracious. You guys excited about it? How many of you are big fans of the show? That's good. Good to know. You don't ever hear these people in the comments on Instagram, huh? Yeah, of course not. They don't have the Internet. Welcome, welcome everybody. Ryan J. E. Belt drew a poster for tonight's show. I don't know how many of you saw that, but we don't have physical copies here, but all those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com.

So this show specifically that you're at, they're super cool. They were on the screen when you, it was on the screen when you guys were being sat. How many of you saw that and liked it, huh? So cool. That's for Ryan. Ryan gets to hear that and it helps his artist brain like, oh, I'm doing a good job. So we're here as you probably know, the band from Los Angeles, California, is in Los Angeles, California. Jeremiah is a baby on the way. Joel, this and that. Joel's taking care of his Latino family. That is what Mexicans do. You cannot get them away from one another for some reason.

I'm telling you, it's good to be here in Florida. You guys have your own crazy people, right? Tiger Woods this week. Am I right people, huh? Geez, across two lanes of traffic. Oh, he rolled 11 times. That's what it takes you to remind you that he's half Asian. Sometimes you forget. Everybody just remembers he's half black. That's crazy. You don't see a lot of black golfers. Well, you do see a lot of Asians going across the highway.

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Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we do have a guest. Very rarely do we have guests on the road. This is a special one. This guy is one of our favorites from the comedy store in Los Angeles, California. I started with him, and we together have written on the last, I believe, 10 comedy central roasts. We've worked together forever. He's one of my brothers from another mother's. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the funniest pals that I have on this planet. It's the great Benji Aflalo, everybody. It's Benji!

Benji! Benji. Benji. I like this. Yeah, look at that. Chan, how nice is that? How'd that start? That started with these fucking nice little Cuban people right here. You can tell they have mustard on their shirt. That's how I spot the Cubans. I don't judge a person by their skin color, but how much mustard they have on their shirt.

Anyway, welcome back. Benji's been on the show, I think, eight or nine times as a guest. One of my favorite human beings to play around with, work with. He gets the best out of me. And so, yeah, welcome back, Benji. I'm available. Benji's life is so much fun that he just randomly, we talked on the phone this week, and I'm like, I'm going to Miami. You should come visit. He's like, okay, well, I will. And then he did. And I've been doing guest spots. How many of you went to the stand-up show earlier, huh? I'm like, how much fun did we have earlier tonight?

All right, so much fun. So Benji, welcome. You ready to get this thing started? I'm so stoked. This is so fun. I've been locked up in LA. It's great to be here. Over 50 comedians or hopefuls or people, perhaps it's their first time, signed up for tonight's show. You guys know how it works. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds on this stage. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. It's the gay part of town. Wilton Manners.

What is it? Wilton Manners. That sounds like a gay man. Yeah, it does. Wrap it up then, or I'll shuck it and bring out the angry Wilton Manners bear. It's so stupid that we eat this tradition alive of making the bear from a gay part of town. We're just educating the gay people. Only because the comedy store was in West Hollywood that that ever became a thing.

Maybe we should start the show. You guys want to start the show? No, it's not going to be that easy, people. We're not going to the bucket to start things. We have a special treat for you to start tonight's show. You guys like special treats? Miami, make some fucking noise. Goddamn. Ladies and gentlemen, starting off tonight's show,

debuting a brand new minute, he's a regular on Kill Tony, the longest standing regular in the history of the show. A one-liner specialist who's absolutely been fucking crushing all these shows out here on the road. Ladies and gentlemen, the big red machine, William Montgomery! Ladies and gentlemen, the big red machine, William Montgomery! How's it going, Fort Lauderdale?

I was fucking around. I just saw your dumb ass say what. The Miami Marlins are so bad at baseball, their biggest fans swim back to Cuba. The Miami Marlins are so bad at baseball, LeBron James' hairline swim back to Cleveland. The Miami Marlins are so bad at baseball, they started using their stadium as a makeshift more during COVID, and the bodies came back to life just to avoid the off chance

they might have to witness batting practice. Joe Biden has been president for 25 minutes, and he's already bombing a country. I'm sure all of the peaceful Democrats are at least happy that the missiles were gender neutral. Boom. All righty. Exactly one minute, absolutely amazing performance. Fresh, fresh Biden joke.

That was great. It just happened. Very well done. It did. There was overnight strikes on Syria. Who could have predicted that Joe Biden was going to start a war just a couple months into his presidency? That's crazy. I don't know anybody who ever would have ever guessed that getting the old politician in there would get us back at war.

William, how's life going? I wouldn't have guessed it. You wouldn't have? You wouldn't have? I would not have. How are you enjoying Miami, William? It's been really good. You got here a couple days ago?

I did. What have you been doing? I went to the ocean. I swam in the ocean. Yeah? What happened? Yeah, it was a lot of fun. What was that like?

How far out did you go? Like probably five feet. How far did the water come up to your body? Like my midsection. Oh, wow. Did that make you float? What the fuck does that mean? What the fuck are you talking about?

We've been getting along, please stop, Redbin. Please stop. Okay, he stopped, William. This is very exciting. So William, what else is going on? What do you do when you're in a hotel room like you are here on the road in Miami? I've been playing a bunch of laser tag.

Oh, that makes sense. The good old hotel room laser tag that we all know about. Is laser tag code for diarrhea like usual? It is. I have been shitting everywhere. What do you normally eat, William? What type of diet do you have to go on to end up looking like you look?

A bunch of orange juice. How much orange juice are we talking about? How many pints? It's supposed to peel the orange before you eat them, by the way. Can you say that a little slower? How much orange juice are we talking about, William? Like a gallon. A gallon a day?

A gallon a day. All right. What are you looking at out there? I'm just looking around. What are you looking at, William? I am looking around. You're looking at ladies? You shouldn't be able to look at girls like that.

I hope you're only looking men in the eyes. Why don't you give a couple of your trademark winks out there? See how it happens. Would you guys like some of William's winks? This is a famous segment of the show called William Winks. The crowd goes wild. Wow, he's doing both eyes tonight.

That's a rare treat. How many of you guys think William should be the band on tonight's episode, huh? Okay. All right. There you go. The mic goes back to the mic stand. William Montgomery joining us for the rest of the show

over there on the band, everybody. Can we hear some of that sweet, sweet music, William? There you go. Jump right into it. This is what William as the band leader sounds like. All right. So there you go. Just keep it going, William.

You guys ready to start this bucket, huh? The stairs are over there. That's the only way to get on stage. Do not run up here and jump on the stage. Right over there. You have to take the stairs or else you get kicked off by Cuban security guards. All right.

Your first comedian tonight. Perhaps it's their first time. Perhaps they're a local favorite. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Christopher Neil Walker, everybody. Here we go. Here goes Christopher Neil taking the walk, going in front of the stage.

Very excited girl, girl friend over there. Getting fist bumps on his way up by some local fans. One more time for Christopher Neil Walker, everyone. So isn't it the worst when there's someone who just won't accept your apologies? It's like, fine. Maybe I'm not sorry I was acting all faggoty. I have a son.

He's turning 14. Thank you. Raising a child, hands down, the most difficult thing I've ever had to let my ex-wife do by herself. She's doing a good job. I'm not very good at fatherly advice. My dad was really clever when I was six years old. He took me aside and he said, Chris, if you ever get kidnapped,

tell them you have AIDS. I was like, man, what a clever way of giving me bad news. Fuck yeah. Christopher Neil Walker. What's that good? Ending strong. Christopher, welcome to the show. You live here in Miami?

I do not. Where do you live? I live in Melbourne, Florida. Okay. Where's that at? It's on the Space Coast, East Coast, like three hours north from here. Three hours north. How did you end up there?

I used to live in Miami and then my mom just moved to Melbourne. She wanted to get out of here. You moved with your mom? Yeah. When I was a little kid, we moved. Okay. When you were a little kid. All right.

How about now? You ever hang out with your mom? I still live with her. No, I'm just joking. Yeah. She lives in Melbourne. I hardly see her though. I'm a bad son.

Wow. You don't see your kids? You don't see your mom? Jesus Christ, Christopher. How old are your kids? He's 14. I have one. Oh, just one?

Yeah. 14 years ago. Look at you. Just 15 years ago, you busted nuts inside of girls. Yeah. And not at all since then, huh? No. I'm remarried, so I've had sex at least one more time since.

That's awesome. Congratulations. What do you do for work? I build backpacks for the military. Wow. Look at that. Absolutely. An American hero right here.

That's a fucking guy. Absolutely. Would you do a fanny pack for the military or is that egg? That'd be kind of cool. It would be. What kind of backpacks are these? They don't tell me what goes inside. They just give me like an auto cat drawing and I make one.

If they like it, I make 50, 100 more and that's about it. Do they come by and make you do push-ups or anything like that? No. No, they don't. I like how you giggle, bro. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been trying it for seven years now. Seven years.

Wow. Seven years. Why are you guys clapping? Stop clapping. Where have you been trying it for seven years? All in Melbourne, Florida. Has your mom ever seen you perform? Never.

Not once. Have you ever invited her? Yes. She's ashamed. Really? Yeah. Have you failed at other things and she thinks you're going to fail at this? Well, when I was living with her, I did Legos and then I stopped.

She thinks I'm going to stop everything. I built Legos. Wait, when you were a kid? Yeah. When I was a kid living with her, I would build Lego pieces and then I gave up on that dream of Legos. So now she thinks I'm going to give up on everything. Hold on. Hold on.

You would build Lego pieces or you would build Lego projects? Just Lego projects. Nothing. Like anyone else? Like anybody else. Nothing special. But I gave up on that so she thinks I'm going to give up on everything. Wow.

She just basically stopped believing you during the Lego period of your life? Ten years old. That was it. She cut me off. Wow. Your mama method? I mean, what a... Love's made of blocks.

This sounds like a crazy mom. No, she's pretty cool. You're never going to do anything, Christopher. Legos. Ever since you were a kid, you never finished anything. I remember I got to the Legos. That's her. That's incredible.

What ethnicity are you? A Peruvian. Me a puposa, senor. That's our Peruvian sound effect. That's it, yeah. We've been waiting almost 500 episodes to do that sound effect. Tell us something interesting about you, Christopher. What's the craziest fun fact about your life?

Not crazy. I'm in a band with my wife. Whoa. You're in a band with your wife? Yeah. Is that your wife right there? That's my wife right there, yeah. Oh shit.

Hell yeah. What's up, sweetheart? Look at this little fucking thought you got over there, huh? Thank you. Yeah. I love her. Look at this little fucking... All right.

You didn't play well with Legos, but you did pretty good at pogs, huh? There you go. There you go. Sorry, it took me four seconds. There it is. You hateful pieces of shit. What kind of music do you guys play? Yeah.

It's like beachy rock, indie rock music. Who sings? We both do. She does more. We're both songwriters. Really? Will you come up here and do a little duet for us, huh? Yeah, come on up here.

Come on up. Get up here. Hell yeah. Come on. Look at this. Come on. Go around to the stairs. What are we going to have her sing?

William, give her your microphone. Whatever cooties she has, you can handle, William. Perfect. Come on up here. How about a big... What's your name? What's your name, sweetheart? Hi, I'm Jaycee.

Make some noise for Jaycee, everybody. I want to hear you guys do a little duet or something. Don't... Don't... Stop, stop, stop. Oh my God. Oh my God, I know this song. Wait a minute.

It's afternoon delight. Dude, you're playing a song. Do you know this song? I don't know this song. Yeah, stop this. Why are you playing a random Penny Rogers song? I swear to God. I was in the street, man.

What's the class? God, you're so old. Sometimes I forget. You're like, what? That's a class. That's Penny Rogers and Dolly Pot. 1967. What duet songs do you like?

Do you like... Do you like... Do you like... Do you like... Do you like... Do you like... Do you like... Do you like...

Do you like duet songs? Do you know of that... I was just going to have them do an revenir duet of your song Accapella. Do you want to do... You know the one song that is good enough to do right now. Well, we both sing but the only time we sing together is when we're ooing. So, you're just going to get some ooze. You know Maya and LesLove?

What's that one? OK, that's an older song. Jesus, please. What the fuck do you guys sing? You said that you sing. Now I bring you up here. We do original songs so no one's going to know anything that we sing. Usually we play instruments.

Yeah, we're playing instruments. This is like if Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga had all their dogs taken from them. Stop, stop, stop. Thank you so much. Are there aliens invading us right now? What the fuck was that? You guys charge tickets for that shit? Wait, wait, the next part. This next song is called...

I think there's ghosts in the hallway. What the fuck was that? The next part is when it really goes on. I now think they're the best band ever. And then we go back into the ooze. It's killer, dude. It's so killer. You guys are adorable. You'd have to understand to understand.

I don't know what the fuck that means but... What's the name of your guys' band? Tank Top. Tank Top? Tank Top, yeah. Why? I don't know. Why not?

Well, it was going to be Top Truck. And then it was Tank Top. We just wanted like a two-word thing. There's so many words. I know, yeah. And then it evolved to Jaycee and the knickknacks. At one point, we were Bobby Brown's wife at one point. All right.

We went through so many different names. Christopher, you started tonight's show. Jaycee, thanks so much for joining us. How about a big hand for Christopher, Neil Walker, and Jaycee? Thank you. He's that all-in-the-comic book on social media. There goes a lot of guys who signed up for those girlfriends. Now, very nervous that they too could be called up to stage.

It could happen. You know what would be good music while you put your hand in that bucket? Huh. Yeah, that was crazy. I heard dogs barking offstage. I think that's why he's not fertile anymore. I heard that noise and I was like, that'll kill sperm. Yeah.

It's got no more one kid. No wonder the 14-year-old doesn't want to hang out with them. Imagine that kid getting bullied in school. Hey, Christopher Jr., we found your dad's shitty band. I... No wonder... No wonder his mom's pissed off for him quitting Legos. He's like, you're way better at making Legos.

All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Carter Phillips. Carter Phillips. Here he comes. Look at this. Here comes Carter. William Killing it over there on the keyboard. No.

Big hand for Carter Phillips, everyone. I have a confession to make. I don't like airports. I'm also not fond of doctors' offices. Don't like going to the doctor. Except for therapy. I tend to feel like therapy is usually a good thing. If you leave therapy saying, well, that sucked,

I think you should probably get another therapist. Unless you're Italian, in which case it's working. I'm also not fond of the gym, obviously. It's really more of an atmosphere thing. Don't really like the smell of the place. It's always musty, big, husky guys making you feel inadequate. And the staff comes up and tells you you're using the equipment wrong. Sir, can you please stop masturbating with the wrist weights?

Just a few more reps. I could use the gym, though. I'm aware of that. I hate the whole body positivity movement. I think it's unhealthy in the most literal form of the word. And let's be honest, that movement isn't really for me. It's more of a lady movement. Big girl takes off her shirt.

It's, yes, girl, you do it. You go, girl. And when I do it, it's, ew, gross. And what are you doing in the ladies' room? Carter Phillips. Hell yeah. Welcome, Carter. How's it going?

Good. How long you been doing stand-up? First time. Whoa, first time. Look at that. Wow. My God, I thought you were one half a pen and teller for a second. It's incredible to find out it's your first time.

My goodness. What have you been doing with your life all this time? Saving women off of train tracks or something like that? Basically. I went to music school, lived in Boston for 10 years, didn't really do anything, and then moved back. What did you learn at music school? I was a songwriting major.

You can confirm that these two fucking suck at music, right? It was some interesting harmonies, that's for sure. We love you. Big shout out to Tank Top. Where can people find your music? Spotify? You can find it in a Spotify or your local dumpster fire, everybody. So what do you end up doing with your music education?

Not much. Kind of just like fucked off for several years, and then realized Boston was way too expensive to live in, and then moved back, and then the world ended. You moved back here to Miami? This is where you're originally from? Yep. Now, why Boston and not just try to take over the Miami scene?

Why move up to cold, frigid, angry, ugly woman Boston? I don't know. I went to school there, and then I just liked the city so much, I kind of stuck around, and then realized it was really expensive. Yeah. Is Boston that expensive? Yeah, it is. It's not as expensive as New York, but it's up there.

Right. Right. Why is it expensive? Because there's like 20 colleges per every five mile radius, and they charge whatever they want. So what types of things do you do for fun? Mostly video games. Oh, okay.

What's your favorite video game? Hard to say. You ever go into an actual GameStop? To the moon? Not in a long time. Okay. And no, I didn't invest. You ever win anything or set any records on video games or anything like that?

Well, I do tend to hit the top score in Resogun every week. Resogun? Yeah, nobody knows what game that is. I don't even know what that game is, and I play video games a lot. I actually invented Resogun, so I happen to be good at it. I love it. You have a girlfriend? Nope.

Because of the video game thing? Yeah, you know. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? It's been a really long time. How about your dating life? What's that like? Is that healthy? None existed, no.

You don't go on dates or anything like that? When's the last time you got laid? It's been a while. God damn. I knew this was going to happen. I find that really hard to believe, man. You seem like a good looking guy. You have porn star energies.

Yeah, you look like a young Ron Jeremy or a young Benjamin Franklin or something like that. I'm not exactly sure. Are William Montgomery, if he works at Abercrombie and Fish? Yeah, it is. This is what William would look like after an extreme makeover. Don't cut me here. You just pull it back into a ponytail. It does.

Carter, I can't believe you're not getting more pussed. You're like a musical strong man over here. I should probably try harder is the real thing. Are you on any of the apps or anything? No. I mean, when Tinder started becoming a thing, I tried it, and then, you know, I didn't ever get past the hay, so. Try the new ones.

There's so many now. Yeah, I should. Are you not horny? Is it a libido thing? What's that? I'm more concerned about this thing. What is it? Your belly?

No one cares about that. Look at all these fat pieces of shit out here. Yeah. Get pussy. Yeah. Have you seen America? Fat people are fucking. That's true.

That's true. This is the most sexual city in the United States of America. It's insane. Yeah. You can pretty much just get laid going to the bathroom right now. It's true. It's true. I got checked out today in Miami.

I've never been checked out. There's sexual energy here. You bent over right in front of me. I couldn't help myself. The last date that you went on, when was it? Take a guess. Like, pretty much literally 15 years ago. 15 years ago.

What? All right. I don't date. This is where things get interesting. I noticed that there's a lot of ladies out here tonight. Have you already had the coronavirus? No. No?

Well, you're about to. When's the last time that you kissed a girl? Tell the truth. I don't remember. He seems like a cool guy. He just didn't stand up for the first time ever, and he didn't do bad. Hold on a second, guys.

It's been a long time since I did this, but... And this is the first ever show that we've done here in Miami. So I guess we're really going to find out what it's worth here tonight. But is there a lady out there that for the sake of the show will come up here and give this guy a big kiss? There has to be, Miami. I mean, I'm positive of it. This is a good-looking guy.

You know he doesn't have any STDs. That's impossible. That's true. He's got his mask around his wrist. I mean, he must be super healthy. Guys, I love your city. This is the whore capital of the world. It's weird that a bunch of girls aren't standing up right now.

Come on. There's got to be one girl out there with the balls to come up. The whole place will go crazy. Hey, look at this. Yeah! Woo! Do it! Yeah!

Woo! Damn! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Woo! Wow! You got a love, Florida. We couldn't even get away with that shit in Texas right now. No, no, no.

Only here in Florida. What's your name? Zoe. What is it? Zoe. Zoe. Zoe, how about a big hand for Zoe? Woo!

Miami representin'. I love it. That's his girlfriend. He's so proud. He's going to have red mustache hairs on his cock tonight. Also known as killing Zoe. Yeah. By the way, by the way, she went in for two.

The first one was for him. The second one was for her. You know what I'm saying? That was incredible. Oh, shit. She's about to suck your dick, bro. What? What'd you say?

Oh, she's just coming right up here. Look at this. This is what happens when your boyfriend roofies you before the show. He has soft lips. Damn. Of course he has soft lips. They're in mint condition.

I love that. Zoe's like, his price is right, girl. Like, this has soft lips. That's a good job. I'm going to begin again for Zoe, everybody. I knew there was a reason I came tonight. I'm going to tell you something you may or may not know, Carter. You were great up here.

You held your own the whole time. It was a great interview. And after that kiss, you hit a whole new level of glowing. You didn't get that kind of satisfaction out of your set, out of a good interview. But you are just as happy as can be right now. Look at this. I've always wondered what the real life version,

the grown up version of Kyle from South Park would be like. Seriously. That's Cartman. I learned something today. Famously a different character. Carter, so much fun. Thank you so much for your honest, cool interview. There goes Carter Phillips, everybody.

His first time on stage. His first kiss and over a fucking decade. What are we doing here? What are we doing? You show me another show that starts like this. This guy couldn't even remember when his last fucking kiss was. I'm up here just making dreams come true. Dream for you.

Dream for you. I'll let you sing your shitty song. Go ahead. Pulled another name out of the bucket. William ready to play some music. Here comes Cody Sylvia, everyone. Cody Sylvia. Oh, wow.

They got Gaudier on that fucking thing. Here he comes, everybody. One more time, good and loud for Cody Sylvia. What's up, guys? So, yeah, I'm a new dad, you know. You know, probably a former or future ex-husband. The thing is, you know, growing up with a single mom, you know, you don't really learn how to be a man.

The only thing she taught me was, you know, a man is measured by how many trips it takes to get the groceries from the car. But, you know, I got a new son, so I got to, I'm the captain of the ship, so I got to teach him. And it's hard when my wife is fucking always testing my manhood. Like the other day, she tried to even order, order for me at the restaurant. And I was like, she's like, you know, hey, I'm going to, let's start with the pasta fissure, maybe some breadsticks,

maybe, you know, some alfredi. I'm like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm a man, woman. I order for myself. Can I get your chicken fingers and french fries, please? Fuck yeah, Cody Sylvia. Adorable. I love it.

You're the guy that called in the license plate in the Steven Avery case, right? You're the guy that saw it before. The guy that set him up. I just rewatched that. Deep cut. So it's a deep cut, but you guys will go rewatch it just for the sake of the joke. Internet's going to love that. Welcome to the show, Cody.

Is that your first time doing stand up? Yeah, you can tell. His first time doing stand up. How exciting. In front of a sold out crowd here in your own hometown, you born and raised in Miami? No, I went to college here, but I live in Palm Beach. Okay, you're originally from Palm Beach? No, from Massachusetts.

Oh, okay. What part of near Boston? New Bedford. It's like 40 minutes south. How'd you end up there? My dad was a drug addict, so my mom moved us down here. Oh, okay. All right.

Cool. How long have, what do you do for work? Landscape architecture. Landscape architecture. Fucking Edward Scissorhands over there. You believe this? You making fucking dinosaurs out of pine trees, bro? Something like that, yeah.

What's the coolest thing you ever made? We just, I mean, we work on billionaires houses, so I mean, you get to see shit that no one else gets basically. Wow. You make good money doing that job? I mean, I don't. My boss does, yeah. Oh. I'm the low guy.

Oh, you're one of the landscapers. Yeah. You just say the architecture part to sound cool. He's a gardener. Yeah, it sounds like it. Yeah. It sounds like a fancy gardener. But you work for billionaires, so it's cool.

Like Rick Ross will be like, I want a bush. It looks like my dick. And you're like, sure thing, boss. Yeah. Basically. You didn't have a dad growing up? Just drugs? No, I did.

He was just, you know, prison. What kind of drugs was he on? Heroin. Oh, look at that. Is he still alive? No. Hell no. Heroin 1.

Wait, what? Heroin 1. The Heroin 1. Absolutely. How's your mom doing? She's good. Is she remarried? Nah, she dated a black guy for a little bit.

Whoa, look at that. She just cannot get enough of those drug addicts, huh? Yeah. I mean. I'm sorry, black guys. I had to do that one. Very rarely do I apologize, but that was just rude. Assuming that they're all drug addicts, they're not all.

Like only 95% are. Kidding. Still kidding. How long was she dating this black guy for? I don't know. How long does it take to go bankrupt? Wow. Wow.

Just kidding. What are you saying? That he took her money? No. No, no. He wrecked her pussy. She took her loan for some DJ equipment and a couple years bankrupt. Really?

Yeah. Hilarious. Yeah. That was funny, dude. He made your mom buy him DJ equipment? What's his DJ name? Do you know? You know, it just sat in the garage.

It never used it. Oh my goodness. He never used the DJ equipment? Yeah. My goodness. That's so sad. That's so depressing. My God.

DJ equipment and retards. You just leave them in the basement. That's it. That's what they say. That's what they say. You never played with it? You do anything? You have any hobbies or special interests or anything like that?

No. Just work. I got a child. I play paintball on the weekends. How's your child? He's one and a half. One and a half. What's his name?

Jason. Jason? Yeah. Why'd you name him Jason? What a boring name that is. Yeah. That's your dad's name? Yeah.

I wanted him to grow up to be piece of shit. Yeah. You named him after your heroin addict father? Yeah. I've never met anyone decent named Jason. That eventually succumbed to his own addictions? My God. Trying to get a fresh start.

Why not just name him fucking John Benet or something like that? Cocaine. He's got him cocaine. Yeah. All right. Well, that's cool. You have a wife now. What does she do?

Yeah. My girlfriend. She's a... Girlfriend? She's a reporter. Wow. Red Band's just assuming she's a stripper. No.

She's a reporter. What? Journalist, reporter. Oh, a journalist. Okay. A journalist stripper? Yeah. Comes out with like a typewriter or something?

Yeah. All right. Well, I don't know. Journalist, right. Okay. So Cody, I'm trying to figure it out. I'm trying to figure out what it is. Are you afraid of anything?

You have any fears? Ghosts? I guess public speaking. Spiders. What? Spiders. You're a gardener who's scared of spiders? I'm not...

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's tricky. Your Mexican coworkers must love making fun of you behind your back. My goodness. Gracious. Great balls of fire.

You ever cook? So I can do a pretty decent Alfredo. It's about it. You could do a what Alfredo? Chicken Alfredo. Yeah. It's about it. Yeah.

How often do you make that? Once every two months. William, what do you think about this guy? I haven't been able to understand like anything you fucking said. Every fourth word I hear something, I heard spiders. I really, I can't understand them. What do you think it is? You think we need a little more sound in the monitor?

No, I'm just nervous. I'm nervous. No, you've done great. I love it. I'm all for it. I'm just saying I can't fucking understand you. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. All right. That's what I was worried about. All right, Cody. I asked you how long you were doing this. You said your first time, right? Yeah, first time. What made you want to do this here tonight?

I'm just... I'm a huge comedy fan. Yeah. I love the show. You ever do any drugs? My asshole friend signed me up. Did I do drugs? Yeah.

What kind of drugs do you do? Fuck man, dude. I got a good job. I smoke weed. I mean, I'm talking about in college. I've done a little blow cane. I don't think you go to college for landscaping or anything. I mean, community college.

Mushrooms, you know. I have my mastas in the lawnmower. See, you started here tonight. What do you think went right and what went wrong about your set? If you had to guess, if you had to give your own analysis, now that you've been up here, you hear it, you see it, you see a clock, there's speakers, there's wires. What did you... What did this feel like?

Things to me, I'm such a big fan of the show, so I'll sit home and critique everyone that comes up. It's like, you really thought that was fucking funny, guy? Right. What do you think you would say? I didn't announce the eight good. I probably... And I definitely stumbled through stuff.

I planned it like this morning, started thinking of a minute because I might sign up. I think it's a pretty good analysis. I think you need to project. You need to make it so that at least people can hear you, but those nerves, first time, totally understandable. It's better than me asking you if this is your first time and you're saying that you've been doing it for seven years. I'll tell you that right now.

I'm just kidding. Carter was great. I'm kidding. But awesome stuff, man. Congratulations on your start here. I appreciate it. It means a lot. Thank you, Tony.

Tony Florida. There goes Cody Sylvia. Yeah, let's do that. Let's do another special treat. You guys like special treats, right? I think I asked you that earlier. Awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, this next young man coming out from behind me is a regular on-kill Tony.

He's absolutely a goddamn murderer. He's one of the great joke writers of the history of this show, famous for his unbelievably incredible roasting ability. Ladies and gentlemen, it's David Lucas. Yeah. What's up, y'all? COVID really got bitches trippin'. I went to this girl's house to fuck, and she had the nerve to say, you need to wear a mask

and a condom. I'm like, bitch, you think I'm about to be out of breath and not able to fill your pussy? It's either one or the other. You choose. It's not going to be both. I hate when we wear condoms and girls ask us, like, how was the pussy? Like, bitch, I don't know. I didn't feel shit.

I look at doing Netflix and chill because I put on a good movie and forget about the pussy. I'm like, did this nigga really just betray his daddy? Oh, damn, bitch, I forgot you was over there. I don't think women like faithful men. I don't think women really like faithful men. I think they like the excitement of catching men cheating. Like, women like to catch men cheating so bad that they turned into a group activity. Like, I saw on Group Hunt the other day, you can ride in the car with two bitches

catching a nigga cheating for $89.99. Thank you, guys. Absolutely. David. Hey, Lucas. Yeah. Welcome, welcome, David. What's up, Tony?

Hell yeah, man. That was awesome. You dress like a frozen condom. With that stupid ass white shirt on. I love that you'll dress like Brussels sprouts, but you won't eat them. Tony, you look like the inside of a raceboot. Of a racebooty? You know how raceboots have the little stuff in it so your feet don't get hot?

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but... And then you had the nerd to pop your collar like Kanye in 08. Hey, I mean... The college booty dropout. What the fuck are you talking about? You dropped out of college because you had excessive ass drops. Okay, Jesus Christ. You're just mad because you've been sinking in swamp waters since you've been here.

I saw Tony on a yacht today doing a wet t-shirt contest. He let two frat guys pour champagne down his throat. Oh my God. David Lucas swearing camouflage tonight trying to blend in with everything. You look good though, man. What have you been doing here in Miami? Trying to get some pussy? What?

Trying to see what these hoes talking about. Is it easy for you to get laid out here? Yeah, I was born here. Really? Yeah. Where were you born? The SeaWorld down the street? Come on. Come on. You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?

Like, oh, Tony's just taking it tonight, huh? Fuck you. Fuck out of here, red man. Now, Miami Gardens. I know what I said. So what's a move like? First of all, I love your jokes. Love the condom stuff.

Really love the Netflix and chill joke. That's so funny. I feel you on that. There's often times where I'm, you know, not in the mood to do anything and when I'm really into something. And then you put on Philadelphia and you're like, I can't stop paying attention to this. While I'm with this guy watching Netflix and chill.

Wow, you tried so hard on that one, red man. It was really, really good. Really a way to jump into this roasting game and take over, red man. You have AIDS. Yeah. Hey, Tony, a Burger King commercial would make red man forget about pussy. Two apples for $5 for real? Yeah, it doesn't matter.

You got a ghostbuster on your shirt. That's right. That's right. The ghostbuster you wear hunts chickens. All right. And you probably, your people probably killed this guy originally. You got the ghost of a spicy chicken sandwich on your shirt. So you were born here in Miami or just Florida?

I was born in Miami Gardens. Oh, Miami. Look at that. A lot of people born in Miami Gardens. To be exact. Scott Lake. Oh, Scott Lake. Did they call it Miami Gardens because they have their own architectural

landscaper? So what are your plans here this weekend? You're here in Miami. I'm going to go to Snappers. I got to hit Snappers. Whoa. What's that? That's what I'm going to take you tomorrow.

That's the hood spot. They got the fish. They put the dust on it. You know what I'm saying? Okay. Yeah. I'm letting, I let David, I always let David pick out where I eat for lunch when we're on the road.

Because he knows. Yeah. Tony tried to make us get anal bleach in the day. That is not true. That is not true. I said, let's go to the laundromat. He liked to do it at home. He liked to fill a super soak up with bleach and just been over.

I don't know what the fuck you just said. He's trying to say your mind. He's trying to say your mind. I mean, he's the one that turned fucking Levi's loose fits into skinny jeans over his fucking guy. Built like a motherfucking ice cream cone. Tiny at the bottom. It gets thicker as it goes up.

You just, you just mad. You got on a basketball sock for a shirt. How dare you? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. How dare you? How dare you? You got that sleeve on Allen Iverson used to wear. Thank you. The answer. Okay. Okay.

When you say that you're out here looking for hose, do you have anyone lined up? Are there any girls here? I'm going to see what these bitches in the audience talking about. What's that? I'm going to see what these girls in the audience. Are there, are there, are there any single ladies in the audience that like black men? Oh, there's, there's that. There's Zoe, the, Zoe, the hoey from earlier.

Damn right. Damn right. She is a saint, sir. Any white single ladies in the black guys? I don't see anyone raising that. I just see like 34 lying women out there. That are with their white boyfriends tonight. My, my rule is if your boyfriend can't beat me up, you single.

That's hilarious. That's how I feel. You single. If he can't beat my ass. That is hilarious. But you might hurt someone's feelings. You also might hurt someone's ribs. Being on top of them.

I love it. Tony, you look like a gay ice sculpture. What's the difference between a gay ice sculpture and a straight ice sculpture? What is that? The gay ice sculpture looks at other gay ice sculptures? I think it's made of cum, frozen cum. I love it. I love it.

David, I don't even know how to make fun of you. That hoodie is disgusting. He wears a hoodie like that so he can get waisted to throw up on himself and nobody will notice. How do you get something like that? Where do you even... It's Staples. That's the name of the brand. It's Staples.

They put pigeons on their shit. See that dirty ass pigeon? Oh, I didn't even see that pigeon. Is that why it looks like there's pigeon shit all over it? Yes. What an incredible design. They make jeans for you with the ass cut out. So stupid.

David, you came out here. You did the best of jokes of the night as always so far. And in and out. So much fun. Come on, guys. Make some noise for David Lucas. Now, fun. Look at that.

Two regulars on one road show. That is what we call unheard of. Unbelievable. For those of you that keep track on your Kiltoni bingo cards, that's never happened before on the road. You feel special, Miami? Your next name that I pulled out of a bucket goes by the name of Jacob Fuller. Fuller. Jacob.

Fuller. It doesn't matter, yeah. Here comes Jacob Fuller. How about a big hand for the band, William Montgomery, playing them up. Here he is. One more time for Jacob Fuller, everyone. Miami. I have a tendency to get caught masturbating quite often.

That's how it feels. Last few times I've been by the wife. Very awkward. If you're not married, you think, why are you masturbating when you have a wife? It's a lot more complicated than that. Well, she walks in. She just sees me. I mean, there's not much you can do.

You have a dick in your hand. There's no hiding it. You just look at her like, God, I am a piece of shit. And she just looks at you like, God, 10 years in and out. There's no going back, obviously. But the most awkward time was when I was a teenage boy. I was raised in a really religious household. My father was a southern Baptist converted into Mormon.

So anything I did that was remotely bad, we were going to hell pretty much. That's how I felt. And that was not good at hiding masturbating. Oh, shit. Basically, he caught me. I had to find a way out of it. Found a pamphlet at school talking about how to check for cancer. Dropped it off.

Dad, sorry, I was just checking for cancer. He apologized. There you go. Checking for cancer by stroking his hard cock up and down repeatedly. That's the one way to do it, Jacob. Welcome to the show, sir. How are you? I'm nervous as shit.

The hardest part's over, right? Yeah. What, how long have you been on stand up? This is literally my first time. First time after everybody. We're just popping cherries left and right here tonight. How old are you, Jacob? What's that?

How old are you? 34. 23 years old. What do you do for work? I'm a risk manager for a bank. A risk manager for a bank? What exactly does that mean? Dealer loans.

We basically monitor loans for dealers. Make sure that nothing shady is going on. Okay. You find a lot of shady stuff going on often? I don't, no. You're not very good at your job then, are you? I'm really not. Wow.

All right. You're married? How long have you been married for? 10 years in March. Nice. What does your wife do? She is a mortgage, I'll be honest. I still get confused.

Wow. Look at that. She basically, like she handles escalations and funding for mortgages. Okay. She's smart. I don't understand what either one of you do for a living. That's exciting. Where'd you guys meet?

For those of you listening to the podcast, William just removed a string from his shirt. That's all I could see. That was not affecting the show whatsoever. So where'd you guys meet? You and your wife? We met out in Utah. I actually had a church school.

Wow. A Mormon church? Yeah. Wow. Are you Mormon? I used to be. I was born and raised Mormon until like a few years ago. I just stopped.

What happened? And you're like, wow, I got to stop this shit. No. Honestly, as a kid, they pretty much teach you these things. That's supposed to be truth and, you know, great people. But I just started kind of doing my own research and I was like, yeah, this is kind of. Yeah. At the age of 42, you figured it out.

Exactly. Honestly. I love it. Well, that's beautiful. Imagine being so repressed that you're like, I got to break out of here and deal with some mortgages. Really spice shit up. Exactly. You guys have kids?

No kids. No kids. Is that by choice or what's going on there? No, we've had to do IVF like three times. She had her tubes removed. Oh, well, that's the most depressing answer that could have happened. Jesus. I tried my best.

We have dogs though, so they make us happy. It's a shame. It's a shame. I don't have a risk manager before I ask questions up here. Wow. All right. So the cheese. All right.

Trying to bring down the mood. That's exciting. How do we recover from removed tubes, everybody? Let's just do a segue. You have your own YouTube channel or anything like that? No. Actually, I do, but it's just of my dogs. Oh, really?

What kind of dogs do you have? American Bulldog and a French Bulldog. Okay. Hell yeah. You don't need your tubes to make one of those. You know what I mean? A French Bulldog. Is this one of Lady Gaga's dogs?

What are we talking about here? Are you the shooter? Yeah, pretty much, yeah. I love it. Fuck yeah, man. What do you guys like to do for fun? You and the lady. It's been almost 10 years.

You must have a secret that everybody here would like to know. These people here in Miami can't keep the same partner for like more than seven months, so. No, we like to Latin dance. Really? Karaoke. We just, yeah, hanging out with the family, so yeah. Oh my goodness.

That's so cool. What's your karaoke jam? What do you normally go with? You have a special song that you usually do that steals the show? Usually, my go-to is sold by John Michael Montgomery. Wow. What the fuck is that? That sounds like a tank top song.

So. Look at the whole crowd that's doing it. Look at that. You guys have your own champ. Wow. My goodness. Gracious. What is Soul from?

It's not even Googleable. Red Bands over here trying to find Soul by Who? John Michael Montgomery. It's all good. What is this? One of your Mormon songs? That would be very depressing and somber. Oh shit.

Is this it? Yeah. All right. Give us a little bit. You guys want to hear him sing a song? Well, I went down to the Grinning County auction where I saw something I just had to have. Come on, project. My mind told me I should proceed with caution.

My horse said, go ahead and make a bid on that. And I said, hey, pretty lady. Won't you give me a sign? I'd give anything to make it mine on mine. I'll do your bidding and bid your begging call. Yeah, I've never seen anyone like a soap find man. I got to have her. She's the one of a kind.

I'm going once, going twice. I'm so lady in the second row. Wow, look at that. All right, all right. That was fucking great, dude. Yeah, the fun part about singing karaoke songs nobody knows is it's like your own original. It's incredible. Jacob, so much fun, man.

Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. How about that? Jacob Fuller. Let's keep it moving along. I'm going to dig deep in here. I'm doing a deep, deep turning and twisting motion with my wrist. Oh, my.

Make some noise for Freddie Finnerty. Wow, crowd favorite. Big cop for Freddie Finnerty. The crowd is going wild. There is a table in the middle. They must know Freddie Finnerty. Freddie taking his time. This is a moment he's clearly been waiting for.

This is very exciting. Come on, Freddie Finnerty, everybody. So I'm celebrating 16 years of being cancer free. You guys are eating up my time. So, you know, I know what you're thinking, like, wow, 16 years. It's impressive for a 14-year-old. His tumor can drive. Thanks, William.

It's not all bad, though. You know, I was approached by Make-A-Wish Foundation. Yeah, they asked me, what do you want most in this world? I said, to feel normal. So they got me a wig that wasn't orange. I was like, finally, my parents will love me. Wow, Freddie Finnerty. I feel like I could have listened to you up here.

Just keep going forever. What the fuck is your story, dude? Look at you, creepy little fucking killer you are, huh? Wow, how long you been doing this? I think three years. My goodness, incredibly fucking good, talented, owning the stage up here. Just doing your thing. Great timing.

You from here, Miami? No, I'm from Staten Island, but I've been living in Coral Springs for, like, the past, like, 13, 15 years. How old are you? 23. 23, my god. Yeah, you know, Timo, it's great for the skin. And you really, really, I mean, you really do look younger than that.

It is absolutely shocking. It's a cornerstone of my material. That's great, absolutely. Hell yeah, you gotta talk about that stuff. That's incredible. So you're 23 years old, you started off at 20. How do you survive? What's your deal? I'm a chef. You're a chef? Sue Chef, technically, but yeah.

Oh my goodness, look at that, a red-headed chef. Right, if you get a hair in your food, you know who that motherfucker is. Exactly. You guys laugh, but that's actually true. I have to wear hats just because everyone knows it's me. Yeah, absolutely. And so that's a pretty big job, right, a Sue Chef? You have no idea.

Yeah, I sort of do. I worked in fine dining for a bit back in the day. You a waiter? Yeah, and a food runner and an expediter. It's a lot, expediting's a lot. Yeah. It's a fun conversation. Yeah, it was, it was very easy.

I'd get really, really high and do a really good job. You smoke pot Freddy Finnerty? Yeah. Yeah, you do. I bet you have a bong bigger than you are. When Tony called your name. I'm a little bitch, I use like really small bowls. When Tony called your name, like half the audience knew who you were.

Local comic, like there's a bunch of people here who know me. Wait, what'd you just say? I'm a local comic, there's like a bunch of us here. You people all, you guys are comedians too? Oh, okay, cool. Big table right here, there's a couple people over here. Yeah, I see them, I see them, relax Freddy, Jesus Christ. That's fun.

So you're 23 years old, tell us what 23 year olds are up to nowadays around these parts. What do you like to do for fun? What does a guy like you do when he wants to, you know, when he wants to fucking? Well, my schedule's pretty fucking fucked. I work like 50 to 70 hours a week, depending on the week. And then when I'm not doing that, I'm either spending time with my girlfriend or doing mics. Okay, how long have you been with this girl? Five months.

Okay, where'd you meet her? Were you guys at Discovery Zone or something like that? Build a bear. Is she a waitress? No, she's transitioning. No, she's not. She's a full female person, she's born a female, you know. Okay, Freddy.

Alright, so how often do you suck or cock? This is very suspicious, I never would have even guessed had you not just started telling me how much of a woman she actually is. No, I thought I'd play into it, people always say I look like a twink. What? People always say I look pretty twinkie. Pretty twinkie? And only fans like demographic? Yeah, welcome to my entire existence, Freddy.

Jesus Christ. I was gonna say, he looks like your illegitimate son. Yeah, he could be. Seriously, like you fucked William and had a kid. And he didn't have that great of a set, and Tony was like, great job, son. Really good work. I'm like, Tony's been really nice out of nowhere for the... I love him.

He's clearly his son. Yeah, that's my boy. Oh, shit. That's my boy, Freddy. Get him, Freddy. He's in his jeans. I love it. So what else, Freddy, tell us more about you, you're such an interesting character.

Oh, I don't know. That cancer stuff was real at all? Completely real, completely true. It was diagnosed when I was two. You had what when you were two? I was diagnosed when I was two, and then I relapsed when I was seven. Leukemia, yeah. Wow, wow.

Relapsed when you were seven, just fell off the cancer wagon. Yeah, it's just totally fucked up. Yeah. Which I heard, I heard someone say like, oh my god, like I didn't die. Yeah, my goodness. Just two years old with cancer, one more reason to call you a problem child. I love it. What else, Freddy, tell us something else about you.

I swear to god, I feel like I could talk to you forever. It's been a long time, son. Do you want to? Tell daddy what you've been up to all these years. Aw. I remember, I fucked a ginger on the road 14 years ago. I didn't think he could get pregnant, but alright. Go ahead, tell us more about you, Freddy.

What do you want to know? Really, just anything, like things about you. Like how do you spend, you do anything weird in the morning time? You have a weird routine, you put on like slippers backwards or something? I don't know. Tell us something different that we haven't heard in our thousands of interviews here on Kill Tony. I just got these new kitchen shoes. Okay.

Because that's what I spend most of my time doing, working. And I was wearing sketchers, and now I'm not. Nonslip, right? Yeah, nonslip. You already said that? Like yeah, of course nonslip. You just wrote down, like you're getting him a Christmas gift. You're like he means kitchen shoes.

Nonslip, sketchers, size three and a half. You got it, how'd you do that? You're like a carnival act. Sort of got it. Yeah, so you got the new shoes, what were you getting at there? I don't know, I was just really excited that they look like basketball shoes, and I'd just been walking around like I'm gonna cross everybody up in the kitchen for no reason. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, fuckin' Mugsy Bogues over here. William, what do you think about this guy? This looks like if you and I made a baby. It is so nice to see you again. It's good to see you, Uncle Willie. This is your mother, William Monca. I'm your father, this is your mother. This is a very exciting episode of Kill Tony.

This is a very family-oriented episode. I love it. Have you had the coronavirus yet? No, I've got an immune system that's a gift from God. I bet, I bet. You have the penis of a young red-headed man. Do you have any special sexual maneuvers in the bedroom that you want to share with us? I'd be interested to know what a young buck like you, do you have any special tips or anything?

I like to take my little stick and I like to put it in dry, I call it the fire starter. There you go, you see that? Took right? Set him up, knock him down. Father and son, comedy news coming soon. Oh, they're getting along now. And then he brings up your chemotherapy bill that you never paid for. Freddie, you gotta go back to your mother, Freddie.

You gotta go buy cigarettes. Freddie, you're absolutely awesome, man. If I didn't have a full fucking, beyond a full lineup for tomorrow's stand-up shows, I would invite you to come down and do a guest spot. But in the future, if you're ever in Austin, man, you gotta spot at a death squad show. There you go. Absolutely. Austin?

Yeah, Austin, Texas. It's gonna be the, you'll see, it's gonna be the comedy capital in less than a year. Yeah, go to Austin, bring a baseball glove and catch up with your father. Bring a baseball hat too. I don't want you getting beaten up by Texans for being redheaded out there. It's a tough street. Freddie, unbelievable performance, charisma, character, everything. I think you're gonna be a big deal one day and I think people are gonna look back at this and say,

wow, he was there. There he goes, Freddie Finnerty, everyone. He's on social media at cooking up comedy, all one word. He looked at you like, dad, I love you and I miss you. It was so weird. He was walking off the stage. That was so cute. Yeah, that's my little fucking special boy right there.

You guys couldn't see Red Bandsaw. I fucking love that boy. Dude, Tony as a father is one of the funniest shit ever. Like, I can't even imagine that. It wasn't like I fucking, it was like dad, son, like dad, son. It was that I thing. We're very close. Very close, him and I.

I really love the boy. Tell your mother she's a real cunt. All right, pull another name out of the bucket. You know, I think this guy's been on this show before. This name sounds familiar. I feel like this is one of the wild characters from LA. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sturm Wurm, everybody. Sturm Wurm.

I feel like I remember this. Sturm Wurm. Yeah, here he is. Sturm Wurm, everybody. I'm 35 years into this pathetic life. And my claim to fame is being on a kill Tony quarantine episode. Afterwards, I was like, it's a rad fucking dumb shit. I'm about to be famous.

Then when the Cheesecake Factory started calling employees to come back to work, it wasn't happening. I called up my parents and told them they were both in line with the same reaction. What do you mean you quit? I mean, I quit working at the Cheesecake Factory. My full-time job now is waiting for the economy to sort of open back up and make sure I'm there every single night till I cross past Tony Hinchcliffe. I hit him off my mixed team.

My mom was all confused. It was just Tony Hinchcliffe guy. And my pops was like, oh, you're just wasting your life away. That was back in early June. And then the economy started to open back up on July 1st. It only took a few days. I rolled up on July 4th. And there he was, just chilling on the patio.

I approached him all excited, mixed tape in hand. Like, yo, Tony was good, dawg. It's me, Sturm Wurm. He looked up and his eyes said it all, who the fuck is Sturm Wurm? Jesus Christ. That wasn't even a set. What the fuck was that, Sturm Wurm?

All this pressure you put on yourself. This big moment you came up and you, what was that? No good. No bueno, my friend. Also, if you're like here to kill Tony Hinchcliffe, which you definitely are, just give me a wink and I'll... Yeah, he'll do it for you. Just give us a sign. He's here to kill you, sir.

I know. It gets a little frightening being me sometimes. So was that true? Did that really happen? I think if you don't remember, yeah, yeah, it happened. Wait, if I don't remember it... Sturm Wurm, if I can call you Sturm for short, perhaps. Did that actually really happen? Did you come up to me on the patio? Yeah, once I quit Cheesecake Factory when I was down,

I lost interest, I was like, I'm about to bring everything to life. I was on a quarantine episode, Tony knows who I am. So then once the comments are open back up, I quit before that and the comments are open back up. You quit, hold on, stop. So you were on one of the quarantine episodes, which to get on those episodes, you had to be randomly, completely randomly selected

by a separate producer of the show who literally went through submissions and was like, all right, this one's sort of different than the other ones. Like, I mean, okay, we'll watch this video. Like, Tony might like this because it's weird and goofy. You got on that episode, we talked for a few minutes via... These were our darkest times via, like, not Zoom, but it was like a different program.

But we were talking via the internet, right? Yeah, you're right, keep going. And because of that, you quit your job? Because you're like, I mean, you don't even know the backstory. Like, you're gonna think, I'm a delusional human being, I'm gonna tell you that right now. Are you rapping a song right now? What the hell's going on?

You want me to, I will. Is this Eight Mile? Yeah, I moved out to Los Angeles at the beginning of 2020. Like, I'm trying to make my shit happen. You hold the mic like everything's gonna run. Yo, what's up, motherfucker? But yeah, so once comments are open back up, I start going every single night eating those Nassias,

chicken fingers above low wings. And then I was like, one day, one of these days, Tony Hinchco's gonna be here. And then July 4th, you were there. And I thought, I was like, yo, like, see, I thought you were gonna remember me, but obviously, like, you have a million people there on this show and shit.

So it's not like on the top of your mind like it was mine. I want to go take another shit. Wow. There you go. Quick question, when was the last time you kissed someone and is your number one choice Tony Hinchcliffe? Benji. He wants to kiss you.

Stop what you're doing. Because I'm about to ruin it. All right. And yo, you want to hear how crazy I am? Sure. Tell us, Sturmworm. I was out. You have no idea.

I was out in Austin on Monday, even the bucket. You were at what? I was in Austin on Monday. Really? Yeah. You signed up. I signed up. He's following you from city to city.

You're dead, dude. This is his third city with you, man. You're going to die. Shit is happening. Oh my god. My goodness. So where do you live, Sturmworm? I lived in Los Angeles until July.

He goes to a different city. I'm telling you, it was the craziest shit ever. I'm a delusional human being. And after I had dropped my mixed tape, it was the craziest shit ever. Like, all right, so I thought... What the fuck are you talking about? Am I having a fucking stroke?

I don't understand shit. I swear to God, I don't understand a fucking thing. You seem like a nice guy, but I don't understand shit. Sturmworm, how do you have enough money to fly around the country following episodes of Kill Tony? I mean, it don't cost that much. It costs like $3.50 for the whole show.

Okay. Where do you stay on a night like this? You have a hotel room? Yeah, it's a dump. Okay. And then where are you flying to tomorrow? I'm not flying. I drove here.

I live in Fort Myers right now. I went through a manic episode after the whole story I told you. Like, it's the craziest shit ever. Like, I'm Tony's right now. I started tripping off of nothing. I didn't do no shrooms, but I was tripping off of natural energy

because I'm a delusional human being. And I thought, you brought my mixed tape to God himself. Tony's gonna die. Tony's gonna die. Tony's gonna die. Tony's gonna die. So here's the thing. It's not Tony's gift I'm obsessed with.

It's your friend and your God's disciple. Like, I know that he thinks I'm the most entertaining kid he's never met in his life. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Stop. There's no reason to play any music or start any chance right now. There is enough insanity going on

that we can just let Sturmworm continue to talk. Repeat again what you just said because when someone says the words God's and disciple next to one another, it's a real red flag for me. That's when I need to make sure that I completely understand what the person's saying.

So repeat again with no interruptions or wacky chance or good vibrations. Tell us what you just said again. Nice and slow. Annunciate. Can you guys hear okay in the back? Okay, go right ahead. There's a human being that

if he fucks with my music, then I'll have to fucking surf tables my whole life. So he's God in my universe. He has the key to my universe. And you know who he is. He's your homie. He's your homie. He was the guest Monday night.

What? He was the guest Monday night. What are you talking about? Monday night awesome. Joe Rogan, you're homie. Okay, okay, so the answer is Joe Rogan. That's the answer. And he holds the keys to your universe?

What did you say? If he listens to my mixtape, the one I gave you, the one I got in my pocket right now. Hold on. I got mixtape in my pocket. They start, whoa. Tip of lifetime.

Let's fucking go. Hold on. Let me see this. Give me this. I gave you one. I got Ray Kwan on there. Oh, I remember you did give me one. And I actually gave it to Joe.

And we actually have Joe. You know, Red Band and I are very close to him. Sturmworm, are you fucking listening? We have Joe Rogan live on the air. We have him on the internet right now. Joe, you listened to his mixtape. What do you think about it? We're just looking at each other.

So I go, what's your secret? It's so stupid. Again, it would take Red Band literally a total of two and a half minutes to isolate Rogan's sounds. But... Is it Joe's arm? It's his strap arm. There you go.

Still not a part that would apply to this show. Again, it would take him two and a half minutes at any point in any of his days to isolate funny Rogan things. But he just randomly hits a part on his album and hopes for the best. It's only the one track. It's gay people from Rockin' Mountain High. We know. We know, Brian.

Wow, some interesting names of the songs. Wurm and his pen. Baby plates. My goodness. Have you ever thought about working with a tank top? I reach out with their feature song. Their feature price too much. Why don't you do a little acapella for us so that we can understand what...

Could you put on a beat? Yeah, what kind of beat do you want? William, you play a beat. Wu-Tang Cream. William, play a beat. He probably got that shit on there. Wu-Tang Cream. Oh, my God.

Ah, ah, ah. There's a guy named Sturmworm. He's a big fan of Tony. He was on a show, so he quit it at the Cheesecake Factory. Woo-hoo. Go ahead, Sturmworm. Whenever you're ready. William, stop.

William, stop. We're going to play a beat here. Here's a beat. This is called beat. Oh, could you put Wu-Tang Cream on? Wu-Tang, what? Wu-Tang Cream. I rock over the Cream.

Cream? I got cream in. Cache throws everything around me. That's it. Come on. I know you got internet. Come on, man. Work with me.

Like, I could rock over that, but... Sturmworm, shut the fuck up for a second. Wu-Tang Cream. Wu-Tang Cream. Jesus Christ. This guy is fucking diva in his demands. He can only rap to one beat over here. How do you get Rayquan on your album, listening?

I had to pay, but the engineers I worked with... But you worked at the Cheesecake Factory. I was there, like, when I went to the studio. I was at Cheesecake before the session. You met Rayquan at the Cheesecake Factory? Nah, nah. The engineers I worked with, they worked with him. Here it is, dude.

Sing a fucking song. Yeah. I wonder why most catcher grabbed the mic or trash, calling for the rock that they can't catch a pass. Greedy role players knock attempt with their roles, looking for success? No, we're near the goal. Headed down the right path, I've been paying tolls.

Chips all in, it's too late for me to fold. Sitting confident, man, I like the cards I hold. Started off with dust, turning into solid gold. Every time we're on tracks, all you know is me. Found myself right here through this poetry. To flows like a drug with the high potency. You can smoke it, sniff it, or inject it. Reaching the masses to your chest.

Alright, stop, stop, stop. Jesus Christ. My God. This is like when the sun on succession, like, wraps to his father at the end of the last season. You watch... Oh, you never watch that show. Sturmworm, you sound...

It sounds like you rapping. That sounds like your voice. Like, it sounds like... It sounds like some type of fucking, like, comedy soprano's mixtape or something like that. I mean, I didn't think that my rhymes were soft, but okay. What? You're saying, like, it's funny, my rhymes?

Like, no, I'm just asking. Like, I didn't think it wasn't gonna... I didn't think, like, my rhymes are gonna disappoint. Alright, Joe Pesci. What, my rhymes are funny? Are they here to amuse you? Is there something funny about the way I rap? How'd you get the name Sturmworm?

It's... It's been my name since high school, before rap. My fault. It's been my name since high school, before rap. It was in high school. There you go. Sturmworm, we got through it. Congratulations.

Sturmworm. You chased us around. You finally got up. We got a couple copies of your mixtape. Check them out. Working people on the Internet, find your music. If you go to YouTube type in Sturmworm music video, I got a few music videos out there.

You're going to experience some rap rockin'. At Sturmworm on social media. There goes Sturmworm, everybody. Alright, there goes Sturmworm. You're gonna die, Tony Hinchcliff. Yeah. Some wild ones out there on the Internet, people. Proof that anybody can buy a ticket and sign up.

Alright, pulled another one out. Let's see what happens here. Jesse Jacobson. Jesse Jacobson. Williams playing some music. Here comes Jesse. Hell yeah. Make some noise for Jesse Jacobson.

Fuck yeah. Alright, so by round of applause, who here likes blowjobs? Okay. Alright, alright. Me too, me too. I like blowjobs. Let me tell you, the first time I ever got a blowjob was in the middle of 7th grade science class.

Yeah, it was pretty good. But I'm not a science teacher anymore. Yeah. Speaking of pedophiles, I was raised religiously. I'm a Jew. Well, I'm Jewish. You know what that means. You sir, you look like you have a clean cut penis.

Are you circumcised? You look like you were cut out for it. I was circumcised too, but I was circumcised four times. Yeah. Yeah, because my doctor was terrible at his job. I don't hate him, but at least he got to keep the tips. Thank you. I'm Jesse.

Fuck yeah. Got to keep the tips. Tips. Keep the tips. I don't think that's exactly the part that they removed during a circumcision. They took the tip, the actual tip of your penis off. Well, part of it, I guess this foreskin.

Yeah. Yeah, that sort of makes sense. It's a technicality. I guess so. Welcome to the show, Jesse. Thanks, Tony, for pointing that out. How long have you been doing stand-up? In total, probably like around two years,

but with COVID, like a little over a year. Heck yeah. Without a doubt, one of the funniest female comedians I've ever seen in my entire life. No question about it. Thank you. You have a great look. You look like Boy Palomalu.

From the Head and Shoulders commercials. Jesse, what do you do for work? Well, right now I'm kind of in between jobs. I gave myself a hand job early and I'm expecting a blow job, hopefully not my mouth. Zoinks. How about in real life, Jesse? What do you do for work?

Well, I used to work security. I work part-time as a... Chuck E. Cheese security guard? Yeah. Kids, I'm going to need to see some ID. You've got to be under 18 to get in here. Put the tickets down, sir. Where were you working security at?

Just like residential places up in, like, Boca Raton. Oh, okay. Fancy little places. Yes, sir. All right. Security. That's adorable. What else?

Well, okay. My dad is a ginger. What was your mom, Jesus, an African queen? How do you offset a ginger? Somehow a ginger Jew plus a Filipino makes Puerto Rican. I don't know. Wow. Wow, that fucking Puerto Rican.

Gene is strong, huh? My God, that just wipes all the ginger right away. Get the ginger out of ya. Okay. You hang out with your parents a lot? Yeah, I love my parents. Well, my dad actually passed away not too, like, a while back, but yeah, so I love my mom.

Love my dad to death. How'd your dad die? Yeah, he died. How'd your dad die? It's like natural causes, heart attack. Oh, okay. Was he older? 50s.

Okay. Wow. My goodness. Do you hear this, William? A redheaded guy dying in his face. I don't know. I don't think it's a ginger thing, but I think you're fine, bro. Yeah.

I'm sure he was nothing like you. William, how old are you again? 42. Fuck. 32 years old. William's super healthy, though. He only starts sweating right after he wakes up in the morning. He sweats profusely all day, so don't worry about dying in your 50s.

I love it. So is your mom single now? She's actually been dating a black guy. Oh, hell yeah. That's right. She's been dating a black guy since I was like 16. You know, I'm 24 now. I always wondered if that means, like, I get the end pass,

because this nigga practically raised me. Whoa. Wow. That's not how it works. Oh my goodness gracious. That's a no. So your dad was still alive when your mom was banging the black guy? No, he wasn't.

Oh. Oh, okay. I got you. That's why you had a heart attack. Yeah, that'll do it. All right. You ever hang out with this guy? You friends with the guy that's banging your mom?

I mean, he's all right. Yeah, he's a nice guy. Yeah, what does he do for work? Do you know? I think he's a mover. A mover? Yeah. Hell yeah, and a shaker.

Works for like a moving company. I love it. Absolutely. Wow. That's fun. So he's very strong. It's good to know that you can throw your mom up against a wall and really pound it out.

This guy's used to lifting couches out of places. You know what I mean? We've been dealing with some movers lately. We know how strong these people are. I wouldn't want one fucking my mom. I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now. I would not want my mom fucking a big black mover.

It could be the opposite, because after a long day of moving, you just go home and lay there. So I think his mom does the hard fucking and he's exhausted after working hard. You know what? That's a really good point. We tend to think,

we've taken a panel here, Jesse. We tend to think that your mom rides his giant black cock. He's exhausted. He moves all day. He's a nice guy. It's time for her to be the mover for a change. I took him to the strip club one time.

You took the guy that's banging your mom to the strip club? Yeah, I took him to the strip club one time, like for my 21st birthday. It was all right. I got my phone stolen by a girl there, Karma. Karma's a bitch, but that bitch can dance. You son of a bitch, you snuck a little joke in there. Jesus Christ.

That's incredible. I thought you were going to say that the guy banging your mom stole your phone. That's what I was thinking. It's not a mover. What a twist. It was just a joke about Karma at the end there. All right, Jesse.

Well, that's fun. Where do you do most of your stand-up at? Honestly, in different open mics around Palm Beach County. Haven't been doing as much with the pandemic and just trying to focus on work to pay bills and stuff. You have a girlfriend? I do. How long have you been with her?

A little over six months. Where do you guys meet? Work out of state. Out of state? Yes, sir. What type of work was that out of state? I was working for a film company. Film company?

Yes, sir, as PA. SBA? As a PA production assistant. Oh, as a PA. Okay, what was she doing on the job? I think she's a makeup artist. Okay. On that set, she was a makeup artist.

And then what happened? What was your line when you first went up to her? What did you say to her? Like that makeup. No. I honestly don't remember. I think it was like love at first sight. It was?

She was going to see this. It was love at first sight. 100%. Okay. How long? My God. Someone just said boo. Wow.

Sounds like a happy guy. It's that Puerto Rican cheese right there. She's Puerto Rican. Yeah, so it's cool. Oh, okay. All right. You think you're going to get her pregnant soon? Not soon.

No. You guys use condoms? We should. You should. You're absolutely right. You should. You're goddamn right. You should.

All right. What else? What else about Jesse? Anything crazy about your life that would surprise us? Any fun facts about you? You spend $50 a day on conditioner? I do. I do spend a lot on conditioner.

No cap. But I mean, one time I showed my, I flashed my penis to a group of five-year-old girls. I mean, I was also five at the time. Okay. It was a weird, it was a weird preschool. Okay. But you really did that? Yeah.

Almost got kicked out. Okay. All right. You did that. It's great to be here, Tony. Honestly, I'm a big fan. Great to be at the number one comedy podcast in the world. Am I right?

No. No. No. You're not allowed to say things like that. What? That's not, that's not the phrase. If you say that, that's just a blatant lie. Can you show me how it's done?

This is the number one live comedy podcast. Number one live comedy podcast. Which means it is recorded in front of a live audience. Last thing we want to do is make the guy with the number one podcast in the world mad because we're friends with him. There you go. Work sometimes. All right, Jesse.

You're absolutely fucking adorable. You look like you should be shirtless carrying around a pineapple for some reason. How about a big hand for Jesse Jacobson, everybody? Good job. Yeah. Let's actually, yeah, let's go. Shut the fuck up. You guys want to go back to the bucket again, huh?

All right. Okay. This looks fun. Make some noise for Marcus Johnson, everybody. Marcus Johnson. Marcus Johnson sounds like he could be one of those movers that we heard about. You know what I mean? All right.

It's like we're in space. This is William Montgomery playing his keyboard. Here comes Marcus Johnson taking the longest possible route to the stage. Here he comes. Make some noise for Marcus, everybody. Hey. So, yeah, we all have friends that, when we were kids, we used to like to beat the shit out of them, right? Maybe not?

Okay, okay. Well, I had one and recently he got in shape and I was like, how did you do that? It turns out he's been using a lot of meth. He's got incredible abs, though. You cannot get those abs unless you starve yourself on a terrible diet. So I was pretty jealous that he's got these nice abs and I kind of referring to childhood activity and, yeah. Yeah, I did. And Roberta Quick, he's been doing these crazy workouts like in the junk garden shit.

He's been curling drive shafts and shit and going through tires. Fuck yeah. Marcus Johnson, everybody. Marcus Johnson, first time doing stand up, everybody. Come on. Put your hands together for him. His first time doing stand up. Absolutely, his first time.

Without a doubt, his first time. Absolutely welcome. How old are you, Marcus? 32. 32 years old. Here you are at the Miami Improvs, sold out to the Gills. How do you feel like that went? Ooh, not that good.

I love it. What made you want to start stand up comedy today? My wife signed me up, so I didn't have much of a choice. Right. But you knew that she signed you up? I saw her sign me up and she knows I've never, this is my first time. And I've, yeah, she's the Indian girl back there. Yeah, that lady likes you for your money or something, Marcus.

She is lying to you. Oh, Jesus. She's the worst, huh? She is. She is. God. Where'd you meet that fucking garbage pile at? Tender.

Tender? How long has it been? How long have you two been together? It's been almost three years. Almost three years. Don't knock up a girl from a third country because those rules apply to you. So that means that we had to get married, but it's worked out great. Where is she from?

She's from India. Oh, wow. Your Indian girlfriend, wife. Indian wife, yeah. We got a child together, too. She signed you up. She signed me up. My goodness.

Normally, when an Indian woman's signing someone up for something, it's new cable or something like that. Something like that, yeah. New telephone company, perhaps. But here on Kiltoni, I will take care of you just to let you know this is being recorded. Yeah, listen to your thick Indian accent, bitch. No, no. Trying so hard to sound American.

So you hooked up with an Indian and you married her in a curry, huh? We did. I love it. I love it. I had to rush the wedding before she was showing. I love it. It worked out. You guys became Mr. and Marsala's real quick.

I love it. What's fun about being married to an Indian woman? She cooks for me whatever I want. Oh, yeah. Whatever you want off this short menu with basmati rice. Right, chicken. Yeah. Well, the fun thing about being Miami with an Indian girl is all the Mexicans cannot

tell that she's Indian. So everyone just talks. Right. They go up to her and talk Spanish to her. It's kind of funny. We're from Minnesota and we have a lot of Russians there. People just come up and speak Russian to me because, I mean. Right.

Oh, Minnesota is famous for its diversity. You're Russian. I can really see it. A little bit. Yeah. You look like you were born in a bottle of vodka or something like that. From Russia. That's fun.

That is fun. So what else? What's fun about having sex with an Indian woman? Is there anything different? Is it you ever open up her tandoori or whatever? Yeah, they know the Kamasutra. They know all that shit. It's fun.

Oh, okay. What's the weirdest position she ever put you in? This one right now. Yeah. This one right now. Thank you. So fucking funny. Well, Marcus, you got signed up by your wife.

I think everyone else tonight, whose first time it was, my piece of advice, of course, is to do it right, this and that, but you got to project. The one thing is, if we don't understand or hear the things, if it's rushed, but that comes with time, if it's something you do again, depending on if your Indian wife forces you to do this ever again or not. But I doubt that's going to happen because she's probably not happy about all the jokes that happen here. No.

I called her a bitch, I do believe. What else? Anything else crazy about your life that we should know about before letting you go, Marcus? Any other fun facts about you? I just work all the time. What do you do? Real estate, real estate investing, and I also have another job that I don't like that I'm trying to get out of.

That's the money that I originally said she liked him for. I think that's what happened. He's so funny. No, he's not. No, he's not. It's okay though. But she cooks for him. Yeah, absolutely.

That's nice. Imagine that hell hole. Imagine a house that smells like an Indian restaurant for the rest of your life. I'm sure it's a non-issue. Benjee. I was holding that one forever. I was like, I got to use non somehow. You know you always, we've always had that.

We had a running joke for years in writer's rooms about any time anything Indian would come up, he would always do a non-joke. And I forgot about it's been years. Oh, that's so funny. All right, well, there you go. There he goes, Marcus Johnson ladies and gentlemen. All right, you know what? His wife signing him up reminded me that we have not had a lady up here tonight.

Lady! You guys think we should pull from this bucket until we find a female, huh? Equal opportunity here on Kill Tony. We don't just call them C words and B words and make them kiss dirty old guys and then leave you. No, if they signed up, they have a chance. Wait, is this you, JC? Is this the same?

You signed up? You wrote a minute for tonight? Wow. Is that the same? You really want to do it? Yeah. Immediately. JC Kraft everybody.

In an unbelievable turn of events, the first name I pulled, JC Kraft. This is it. You know her from tank top. Dude, don't buy fucking heels from Target. Come on, make some noise for JC Kraft. Thank you. Hey guys. Wow, fucking don't buy heels.

Okay. Hi, I'm JC. That is spelled J-A-C-I-E. Sometimes when I meet people, they're like JC, like Jesus Christ. It used to annoy me, but I realized I have a lot of things in common with Jesus. We both have blonde hair and blue eyes. Thank you. My dad also ghosted me.

And I'll probably be dead by 33. So guys, Jesus probably has more things in common with the Florida man than he does me. Just think about it. If you replace Jesus with Florida man, it makes sense. Florida man hangs with prostitutes. Florida man gets stabbed in the side. Florida man tries to give dead fish to 5,000 people. Thank you.

Wow, that's quality jokes. You did it. Wow, thank you. Incredible performance. You absolutely fucking broke your shoe. You did it on the way up here. Hell yeah. Do not buy heels at Target.

Wow. The last time I saw you lose your soul was when we heard you sing. It's true. I love it. It's bad. So JC, welcome back. Thank you. Here you are.

I know. Welcome. First time doing stand-up comedy? No, I've done it a handful of times. You're already one of the funniest female stand-up comedians in the world. Congratulations. Thank you. You've got to be at least top 20 right now.

Damn. In the world. As of today. What? Of all time. It's an honor. Thank you. Thank you.

Of all time. Wow. Right up there with that lady you were making fun of earlier who looks like a pig. I forgot her name. Amy Schumer. Yes. You're way funnier than Amy Schumer, calm down. I wish more people would forget her fucking name.

I love it. I didn't mean to, but I forgot it. No, it's great. You're adorable, JC. What do you do for a living when you're not making stealing people's money as part of tank top? Hey, look, you just got to listen to a song, okay? We're decent. We're decent.

Okay. I work at a coffee roastery in Melbourne, Florida. Okay. We roast coffee beans and shit, and it's good. I love it. I roast a giant coffee bean earlier named David Luke. Yeah. I love Sumatran beans myself.

I really do. Absolutely. Sumatra is that guy's Indian's wife. Indian's wife. I fucked that up. I love it. See, what else about you? Tell us more about your life.

Oh, God. I don't know. I mean, I do a band. Yeah. I sell vintage shit, like vintage clothing. Okay, cool. Yeah. I have a brand called Lemonhead Vintage, and I just go out and find old clothes and knickknacks

and sell them for way too much money, and people give me their money, and it's great. It really works, huh? It works, yeah. Okay. It fucking works. Yeah, that's actually a good industry. People just go to thrift stores, pretty much buying shit, putting it online. It's insane.

One man's death is another man's treasure. Absolutely. Just because old people die. What about you, personally? You have any weird routines? You OCD at all? You do anything? You scared of anything?

Tell us about, like, weird? Am I scared of? I'm afraid of manatees. Wow. For real. They're very scary. Where do you run into manatees at? Dude, Provard County, Florida, like Melbourne, where I live, there are manatees fucking everywhere,

dude, and you'll go out in a kayak and they'll, like, be all aggro and, like, bump your kayak. You're in a kayak? Dude, I know, but they don't give a shit. You're making it seem like you're at 7-Eleven and there's manatees. You're in the ocean. They don't give a shit, dude. Manatees are brutal. You guys probably give your money to, like, manatee.

You know, funds don't, because they suck. How about you? How's your boyfriend as a... How's your boyfriend as a roommate? You like living with him? He's good. Yeah, my husband's great. Oh, husband, that's right.

That's Christopher Neil Walker, right? Yeah, I was so excited when he went up. It was like, what? Yeah, it's crazy that you guys both got up here tonight. I know. And you guys came from where again? Melbourne, Florida, so... How far away is that?

It's, like, three hours north of here. Wow. And it's kind of the thing that makes Melbourne stand out, is it's in Brevard County, and that's where we shoot, like, SpaceX is in Brevard County. Wait, Broward? No, Brevard. Oh, okay.

Brevard. Okay, I thought I remembered that from live PD, Broward County. Oh, yeah. That's a live PD city. It would be cooler if it was Broward, but it's Brevard, and we shoot space shuttles up into the sky. Okay.

It would be pretty cool if you're on mushrooms. Okay. All right. Biggest accomplishment of your life, or thing that you're best at? You ever get any trophies or win anything? You know, I won a talent show in elementary school. Yeah, what'd you do in the talent show?

Pink pong balls. Probably, yes. That's definitely what I did. What did you do? Me and my friend sung a song from Beauty and the Beast. Oh, okay. I'm guessing you were the beast? Yes.

I was the beast. That's what I was, and that's why we won. What song did you sing? Well, Tell As Old As Time. Okay. How does that go? Wheeeee. Tell As Old As Time.

Wow, look at that. True as it can be. But it was better with the harmonies with the girl. Come on, sing that shit. No. Oh, my God. Wait, when does it start? Now, right.

Tell As... Wait, fuck. Where are the words? Hold on. You suck. True as it can... I have to do it in my tone. Tell As Old As Time.

Yeah, there you go. This is too low, but I'll do it. True as it can be. Barely even friends. Then somebody bends. Unexpectedly. This is a song about gay sex. Just a little change.

Yeah. Small to say the least. Both a little scared. Neither one prepared. Beauty and the Beast. You know what I learned tonight? I learned tonight that everywhere else I'm a comedian and in Miami, I'm a professional musician.

You guys are all mediocre as fuck. Beauty and the Beast. Yeah. If you moved to Florida, you can thrive in music. I love that. You're an Austin, though. I'm going to start my own band called Tank Bottom. Yes.

Can I join? No. Aw. No, you can't. That's okay. No, I'm just kidding. JC, you were amazing. You brought down the house.

You broke down your shoe. I love your energy. I love your style. Great everything. Ladies and gentlemen, turn six. Thanks for having me. Thanks, guys. Did you guys have fun tonight?

You guys have been such a great crowd. You guys have been such a great crowd. You guys want one more special treat? You do? Well, yeah, just one second, though. Ladies and gentlemen, this final special treat for you is absolutely, I'm so excited for this to happen right now because this is a historical moment

in the history of Kill Tony because in an unprecedented maneuver, it turns out that all three regulars came to Miami, Florida this weekend. This guy, absolute genius. After decades in the Chicago Second City System, after being diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease, he finally chased his dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian.

I present to you the one, the only, the great Michael Larrer. Grab that mic for him. Come on, guys. Make some fucking noise for Michael. Come on. Come on, take your body. Do that, conga. You know you can't control it any longer.

Throw yourself on broken ground. Throw yourself on broken back on the tour bus but she's still doing better than me. Man, Miami, I am disabled as fuck. But I know one thing, Miami. Me and Dan Marino have the same amount of Super Bowl rings. Yeah. Our friend who lives here, she goes,

Michael, do you want to go to the beach today? Have you not been paying attention? I will never go to a beach again. Sure. Bring a roll-a-top tag, find me to a bookie board and put me out of my fucking misery. Michael Larrer. Getting a partial standing ovation here in Miami, Florida.

My goodness. What a performance. Here he is in his best weekend at Bernie's attire tonight. Michael's like, I think I forgot something at the hotel. I'm like, you're pants? No, the truth is Tony goes, Michael. Tony goes, Michael. What do you need from Walmart?

No, stop, stop. Let's tell the whole story. He started a group text with me, Red Band and William earlier, and he said, if any of you, he goes, if any of you go to Walmart today, let me know, I need to go. So I, a good friend, responded to his text with, instead of responding into the group text, I responded directly to Michael like a good friend,

two and a half hours after he sent that text message. I said, what do you need from Walmart? Now you tell the story, Michael. Shut up, shut up. Are you the Puerto Rican? Shut up. Tell the people what you told me that you wanted from Walmart. I will.

I made a real list. Not only did Tony not go to Walmart, he did not tell me he wasn't going to Walmart. What is that? He didn't reply at all, right? What? He didn't reply at all, right? No.

Well, no, what exactly what happened was, is you responded with, you responded with, I go, what do you want slash need from Walmart? He said, white sweatpants. White sweatpants, deodorant, razor, shaving cream, jerky, water. Now I thought to myself, first of all, there's water in the hotel.

I know for a fact that our hotel specifically has its own water machine. Right, because everything's easy for me to get. They also, every hotel has shaving cream and razors. Beef jerky's on this. So what are you, a seven-year-old boy? You need beef jerky? And then deodorant.

I'm like, you know what? Fuck it. It's not worth it for the deodorant. I thought the white sweatpants were going to be, like, for a comedy thing. I didn't realize you actually needed pants. Oh, oh, wait a second. There's actually a follow-up to that.

Hold on. Oh, wait, and it's even funnier. It's 15 minutes later. I didn't respond, and he goes, any white sheet pants they have, 32 waist or so, and one to three pairs of thinnest white or whatever socks. Now, I didn't respond to that because, no, I don't make weekend trips to Walmart when I'm on the road,

especially in Miami. It's so Miami. I haven't been to Walmart in, like, I don't know, maybe a decade or so. Right, and don't ask questions. You only want one answer, too. I was just making sure it wasn't something that you needed. I thought maybe you needed a prescription picked up or something

like that. I was going to send a car, but white sweatpants doesn't exactly set off my emergency to-do list. But then, once we picked him up and he wasn't wearing any pants, I thought to myself, maybe I really fucked up on this one. That's so fucking funny. I responded three hours after that saying, what you doing now?

I texted you, it says here, 4 p.m. What you doing now? And then, you were asleep. You responded an hour later. I thought when the car arrived, you would have a bag full of Walmart stuff. Well, I don't know what kind of show business you think is going on over here, but I'm not going to Walmart trips.

If I needed to make a Walmart trip anytime a regular wanted something, I'd have fucking David Lucas fucking Thanksgiving turkeys every weekend. Pesto. He just wants pesto. Pesto sauce. I love it. So Michael, how are you enjoying Miami so far? It's awful.

I won my shower chair only at three legs. It is true. The hotel really has been fucking with Michael pretty relentlessly. Yeah. And then, no one speaks English, and I sound like I have a bunch of cocks in my mouth. So, not a good combination. I literally go, bring me a new shower chair, and bring me, he didn't hear me.

Bring me a new shower chair, and they brought me a bathroom. Yeah, shower chair. See, you got your shower chair. Hey, man, I'm happy to be here. I shouldn't feel entitled to pants. Yeah, that's true. They tell a lot of people when performing, you know, pretend like you're naked up there, and you didn't even have to pretend tonight.

You just literally, you literally went balls to the wall. Guys, come on, seriously, how loud can this place get for Michael Lair, huh? How about a big hand for Benji Aflalo, everybody? Follow him on social media, Benji Aflalo. Everything Michael Lair is at Michael Lair Comedy, MichaelLairComedy.com. Guys, how about a big hand for your musical director, William Montgomery, huh? David Lucas was here. We're all going to be doing stand-up again tomorrow before the second Kill Tony show.

Anybody coming to tomorrow's Kill Tony? It's already sold out. That's going to be a bunch, bunch more fun. As you could tell by tonight's show, anything can fucking happen. Hopefully, I don't get murdered tonight by Sturmworm, and we actually get to do it. You're a dead man, Tony. Kill Tony. This was a long time coming, Miami.

Thank you guys so much for coming out. Thanks, guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.