KILL TONY - #501 - RON WHITE

Episode Date: April 16, 2021

Ron White, Jon Keyz, Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson, Michael Lehrer, Zac Bogus, Matthew Muehling, David Lucas, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/22/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:MUD\WTR is a coffee alternative with 4 adaptogenic mushrooms andayurvedic herbs. With 1/7th the caffeine as a cup of coffee, you get energy without theanxiety, jitters, or crash of coffee. GO TO MUDWTR.COM/TONY to support the show and use code “TONY” for $5 off—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every podcast we do at Death Squad can be found on our website DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website ShopSquad.tv for everything merch. We have Death Squad hats and shirts and Kill Tony shirts. Go to ShopSquad.tv. If you want to find out anything about Tony Hinchcliff and his tour and his merch, you can go to TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, he draws every episode and you go to RyanJEbelt.com to get your books and prints. And if you want to see us live, you can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Not only do we have a show every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we are always on tour. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Come on, Austin, this is a live podcast. People listen to hear a live audience. Can you guys make some fucking noise?

Jesus Christ. Didn't realize that we were at Anton's fucking library tonight. What the fuck was that? Guys, make some noise. Red bands here, everybody. Hey, everybody. You guys have any idea what kind of party you're at? Hey, you know, I've noticed since we've been here in Austin, they are a lot quieter than

most people. Mary, I don't know if they're trying to not spread the coronavirus or something, but you guys have already had it, I promise. How many of you have had the coronavirus by round of applause? Oh, geez. What, did you just announce my name again? Did you hear the light applause there? How loud can this place get for the band that's been performing for you for a, oh, okay.

Oh, there you go. It's a music town, I guess. Not really a comedy hub just yet. That's John Dees, Matt Mueling, Dee Madness, and Michael Gonzalez on the drums. How many of you have been to Kill Tony before? How many of you make some noise if you haven't been to Kill Tony before? Wow, very excited. People are excited that have never been here before.

Isn't that interesting? Well, you know, we're going to have a lot of fun. It's a show about stand-up comedy. We meet people. We see how it goes, and yeah, things like that. We have the great Ryan J. E. Belt in Los Angeles drawing tonight's episode. He's in L.A. right now. He drew an amazing poster for Kill Tony 500 that's going to be available.

He's coming out for that event. Very exciting stuff. He draws every single episode, every single road poster. All those are available at ryanjeebelt.com, including the brand new Kill Tony the Coloring Book, selling like hotcakes. What kind of comedy podcast has their own coloring book, the one that you're at that you half-clapped at the beginning of, the one that you're barely excited to be at? But before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit about the amazing sponsors that

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Sometimes I use a little nut milk. It's delicious. Mud is 100% USDA organic, non-GMO, gluten free, vegan, whole 30 and kosher. Yes, go to mudwater.com slash Tony to support the show and use the code Tony for $5 off. M-U-D-W-T-R dot com slash Tony, use the code Tony, get $5 off, thank us later. You know what we absolutely love? I mean, we swear by it, morning, noon and night, kill, Tony reps, liquid IV. When we push our body hard or we're just feeling run down, it's extremely important to take

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By the way, I forgot to mention somehow I forgot that the band is sponsored by Fix Alkaline Vodka. Yes. Some really incredible stuff. They have a less acidic vodka. It's Alkaline and it's distilled 10 times and it's amazing. It gives you, if you have a lot of heartburn when you drink or whatever, it really helps with that.

And less hangover. Who doesn't love less hangover? So try Fix Vodka then plus they support local artists like the Kill Tony band. Ladies and gentlemen, on this show, we usually have an amazing guest today. We've upped ourselves and we've had the probably the best possible fucking guest we could have in the world. A resident of Austin, Texas, everyone's favorite comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ron White, everybody.

Yeah, baby. Here he is. Oh, yeah. How could we forget? That's right. Ron White has his own tequila, number one tequila, which we absolutely love and that's the name of the game right there. My part of the show is brought to you by number one tequila.

Everybody's got a different liquor sponsor here. I'm obviously a white claw guy myself, you know what I mean? Ron, welcome back. Ron's one of the main reasons why we all moved here. He's basically sold a Rogan on it. He sold me on it. Absolutely incredible. And we're so grateful that you did and you're an amazing guest.

You've done this a few times and we're happy to have you back. I've never done it sober, but I'm sober now and I'm not kidding, I quit drinking two months ago, but I still need you guys to drink this fucking tequila because we lost our best customer, me. How cool is that? How about a hand for him two fucking months, huh? So awesome. I love it.

It's not all it's cracked up to be. And you guys probably know if this is your first time maybe whoever brought you told you how the show works, but a bunch of people sign up before the show for the opportunity to get on it. If your name gets pulled out of the bucket, you come up on this stage, there's actually a new holding cell upstairs filled with comedians right now and people in the audience also signed up. But if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage.

You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up or else you're going to bring out the angry fifth street bear and you don't want that. There you go. There you go. There you go. It doesn't. Yep.

All right. You guys ready to start the show? Again, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. What do you, what do you, Austin, this is a real live show. Are you guys ready to start this show? It's weird. It's really weird.

Unbelievable. All right, well, here we go. I feel bad for whatever comedian has to go first in this shit storm tonight. But here we go. Let's see what happens. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian goes by the name of Ben Horne. Ben Horne. So here we go.

Let's see how this new tunnel system works. Here we go. Here he is, everybody. Ben Horne. Thank you. Thank you. Everybody excited about these COVID restrictions getting lifted? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not. I'm fucking pissed. Everything was going just fine. I didn't get sick once. And this asshole opens everything back up and boom, Chlamydia. You know? I mean, it was kind of like getting the vaccine because I didn't know I'd have to get it twice, but it could have been worse.

She could have given me something worse than Chlamydia. She could have given me like the hand job, you know? I'll take dirty pus over a hand job any fucking day. Pretty sure the last time I got a hand job, I was at a middle school dance. Yeah, and I was a chaperone. So if you turn that into a pedophile joke, that's on you. I didn't get jerked off by a middle schooler. It was a lunch lady, which I think is worse.

All right, I'm Ben Horne. Thank you very much. Ben Horne. Ben Horne. Ben Horne. It's been on the show before, right? I have. Yeah, yeah.

A few weeks ago. What do we talk about? What do we find out about you? What was the highlight of that interview? I was an Army for 10 years. I work at HEB. Oh, hell yeah. How about some noise for HEB, huh?

That's always a crowd favorite. Yeah, you know, they actually, so my department got shut down during the whole snowstorm. And so we weren't working and they paid us for the whole fucking week regardless for all of our fucking hours, which was awesome. They're great, man. They're getting some power stations put in there too in the future. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Very cool. Hell yeah. You didn't, you didn't block the snow and ice from hitting that HEB with your thick ass mustache. No, it's, I mean, it's, it, you know, the cocaine definitely gets stuck in there from time to time. Is that true? Do you do cocaine, Ben?

From time to time. When you keep saying from time to time, are we talking about all the time? I mean, if, if somebody offers it and I don't have anything to do, like, why not? Can you hang out specifically with people that do cocaine? Typically, yes. Yeah. I hang out, ironically, I have a lot of people that do cocaine. What's the wildest night you ever had on cocaine?

What does that look like? You know, I really don't get that crazy on Coke. I'm more of a drinker, to be honest. I'll do a little bit of Coke just because I think it's fun and everybody smokes weed. I don't smoke weed. Makes me too anxious and uncomfortable. What kind of drinking do you like to do? What's your preferred beverage?

Oh, Lone Star. I can smash. I'll do, I'll drink tequila for all day, but Lone Stars might go too. What's your favorite kind of tequila? This one, obviously. Clearly. Oh, nothing better than this one, tequila, everybody. Oh, Ben Horn, marketing genius.

That's what I should have named it. This one. Oh, my God, Ben. I really set you up there and you really knocked it right into fucking the catcher's mitt. Yikes. So, Ben, what do you do at H-E-B, exactly? I'm a personal shopper, so whenever people do, like, the online orders, I just walk around with a cart and just grab their shit and throw it in there.

And this thing about Chlamydia, is that true? No, no. I have had it twice, though. Really? In my life. Yeah. What are the symptoms? Dude, I don't honestly didn't get any symptoms.

When I was in... Well, when your dick itches all the time, you don't really notice that you have Chlamydia, you know? So, how'd you know you got it? You just went to the doctor and he's like, oh, you have Chlamydia again? Yeah, well, I'm super paranoid about STDs because my dad used to, like, when we were kids, he used to just show us pictures of STDs to, like, scare us from having unprotected sex.

And so, when I was in the Army and I had, like, access to a doctor all the time, like, every few months, I'd just be like, hey, let me pee in a cup and tell me if I caught anything. Wow. And they did it every time. I mean, do you wonder how many times everyone's had Chlamydia before and just never got it tested? Yeah, that's why that shit's still around.

It's one of the silent STDs. It's a real sneaker. Have you had any other ones? No, just the two. Yeah, sure. Come on. Come on. Chlamydia twice, nothing else in this little fun packet of yours and that little, uh, let

me ask you this. Is there a gigantic mustache above your dick as well? You would think it would protect you from some of these disgusting juices that are splashing all over you. I feel like that's how you get more of them. It's just more shit to, you know, that's the eyelash for your dick. Oh, yeah. You got to keep that bush going.

Soaks it right in, huh? I feel like some girls should actually get a mustache shaved above their pussy so that guys know where to put their fucking face. You know what I mean? I think most guys know exactly where to put their face actually. I'm pretty sure they don't need a target for that. It's not that confusing. I'm pretty sure the main thing that guys aim for is the vagina.

Yeah. All right, Ben, how long have you been to stand up? Like two, two and a half years. Okay. I started when I was a kid and then stopped obviously when I joined the army. When you say when you were a kid, what are we talking about here? I was like 13. Wow.

You had already had Chlamydia at that point. You're right. Yeah. That was the first time. No, I started at like Capp City in the Velveeta room and then before long I was able to like travel around Texas a little bit, do some local radio and stuff. And then I just, when I got out of high school I needed something to do so I joined the military and I really thought I was going to do it for a career for a long time but then that

didn't work out. Why didn't it work out? I just, my body and brain stopped working as well. You had another discharge that had nothing to do with Chlamydia. That deserved a bigger laugh if you're wondering whether you guys are doing a good job or not not so much. I'm doing my part. I mean I was infantry so it's just really tough on the body and mind and so at 10 years

you don't have the, like your only two options are stay in for another 10 years until you retire or just get out. And so at that point I was like I think I'm done with this, I'm pretty sure I can do something else. Let me ask you, what are your goals now with comedy? You want to keep doing it? Absolutely. Yeah when I first got out I was in school, I thought I wanted to work in government

and started just doing open mics and stuff just for shits and giggles and then I hated working in anything political and I loved doing the open mics so I kind of, I just dropped out of school. I just got any job that I could get that was going to pay the bills and now I just stay on stage as much as possible. Okay, great. Absolutely man. Super likable, fun set, nice and tight.

You gotten up a couple times here on Kill Tony. Congratulations man. I got the show started tonight, it's Ben Horne everybody, that's what it looks like. He's on Instagram at the Ben Horne, he's that guy. Ben Horne. Here comes Zach Bogus to switch out the microphone on this special sanitary episode of Kill Tony. Are you guys having any fun out there? This seems to be a real, okay good, good, we're getting there, it's a building up, drinks

are flowing out there. Let's see what happens next with the comedy stylings of Dan Payetetsky, Dan Payetetsky. That's a name. Hell yeah it is. Dan, Dan Payetetsky coming down the stairway, this is very good, this new system is working. How about a hand for Antones everybody, allowing live shows during the pandemic. Here he is, here he is, one more time, Dan Payetetsky. Hell yeah dude, when I was going through puberty last night, one of my favorite things to do

was to measure my penis, every three months roughly, I can feel you guys pulling back right now, let me explain something to the room. Every single guy in this room has done it before, every three months we would all measure my penis, and you're probably thinking too often why every three months, I didn't do it the normal way, like I didn't use a tape measure or a meter stick, instead I used my penis as the unit of measure to measure other things. That might seem even crazier, but how else would I have known that my dad's pillow is exactly nine dicks long, right?

Found that out one day when he went out for a glass of gelato, hell yeah, measured everything, my brother's toothbrush, about a dick and a half, our living room television, that was a 17 dick TV, yeah. I remember, this was middle school dude, and my friend Kevin was like, Dan I guarantee I have a bigger penis than you, right? And he did do it, he had a two dick penis, it was wild, yeah. All right, I'm Dan, I love you, thank you. There it is, Dan Payetetsky, am I saying that right?

You did, yeah, you did. Payetetsky, all right, well welcome to the show Dan, so let's just answer the question on everybody's mind, how big is your dick? Well it's about one dick long, yeah, it's, I have a one dick penis, thank you, yeah, pretty good joke. I don't know, League Average, League Average, probably the same as yours. Probably not. We found out recently Michael Lair saw your dick, oh well we don't need to bring it up,

I don't like to brag about my obnoxiously long penis, it's ridiculous, no one needs, it's not good for comedy. People like to think that their comedian has a nice small insecure dick, and that's exactly what I want you guys to believe. Not the snow cloud. I was at your show at Vulcan the other night and someone said you had little dick energy, I remember that. Oh that's right, yeah.

And you educated her. And then what happened to that lady afterwards, was her soul, her soul was taken from her, that's absolutely right, just for the record, no one gets away with anything like that. So Dan Payetetsky, how long have you been on stand up? About four or five years. Four or five years, absolutely, hell yeah, and all here in Austin, Texas? No, I've been in Chicago for two, New York for two, and then here. Awesome, what made you move to Austin?

It seemed like right place at the right time, Ron White lives here. Ron convinced you to? We were on the phone, yeah. No, I don't know, it seems like the right place at the right time. Right, right. It's gonna be like 40 clubs here by this time next year, I don't know. Look at that, absolutely, no I completely agree with you, you're like one of those GameStop guys, you got in while the get-and-was-good, this is going to be a massive comedy hub.

So Dan, what else, what do you do for work? I work at a tech company, I do computer things. What do you do on the computer? I work at a fitness app, I help women get into yoga classes, basically, yeah they book yoga classes through the company. Okay, how do you find these women? Well, I do, I reach out one by one for them, no it's just like, it's called product management, I work with a team of engineers and we make things.

There's women just cracking up at you right now, everyone's laughing at you. They're like, I love SoulCycle, this is hilarious, I didn't even say anything about it. What do you do for fun, Dan, you seem like a little bit of a stiff to me, so I'm trying to figure out... Well, here's the thing, I'm feeling stiff right now, yeah, but I'm... Uh-oh. You're about to measure something, is that it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, nice, no, no, no, I honestly, I've been doing comedy as my name...

What else, other than comedy, there must be some outlet, like you like to, what, shoot pigeons? I do, I cook a lot, I like to cook for big groups of people, I like having people over me. What's your big dish, or what's the thing that you really... My big dish, or average size dish. Hell yeah, hell yeah, I like making steak, man, I like, I made crab salad today during the day, yeah.

Oh, okay, the last guy that was on had crabs as well, very interesting. This is a snoozer, isn't it, that's okay. Is it what? Snoozer, I don't know. Nah, I don't know, I don't know what I'm really trying with you, Dan. It's partly on you, but... Yeah, no, I get it, I get it, I get it, I love it, can you tell us anything else about you over here, Dan?

Let's not get distracted, oh, there's drums back there, you're just really panicking right now for no reason, everything's okay. No, you're good. Okay, anyway, so, Dan, anything else, any fun facts about your life that we would be surprised to know about you, what makes you special? I'm Russian, I hang out with my grandpa, I spent, part of the reason I'm being weird right now is I just spent like the last 10 months hanging out with my grandpa, he's 93, so.

Wow, wow. Do you go out and stuff and then come back? No, no, no, no, I was living basically like for that. Goodness, what kind of Willy Wonka bullshit lifestyle are you living, you guys sleep head to feet together? Head to toe, yeah, yeah. You try to find a golden ticket? Exactly.

You have to change his diaper or anything? Exactly, he can't go, like his doctor told him he's got to go on walks and he can't even like leave his house, so he just walks around his house like a Roomba, I don't know, it's like, he's barely alive. You don't ever take him on a walk, you don't ever walk? No, he's got Parkinson's too, which sucks, like because he loves soup, so. You should make him like a TikTok star or something, you should get some money out of him while you can.

So bad at soup, yeah. Have you measured his pillow? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a four and a half dick pillow, yeah. All right, Dan, well like most Russians, it's hard to interview you, you really like keeping secrets, so, but Fun Times, you talked about your little dick a lot, so that's exciting. Sure it is. Self-deprecating humor. Do you actually have a piece?

You had a big one? Yeah, he does. No, we're not going to, I literally said I don't want to talk about it. Well, I'm just curious. Michael Laris says it looks like a little baby arm. Okay, that's enough. Holding another baby arm. You got a notable piece.

Red band, that's enough. I mean, we're just sitting on stage here and you got a notable piece. Stop making fun of my giant dick, it's really insulting. All right, Dan, Fun Times, dude, way to do it, four or five years, I can't wait until you're on again. Talk about something else. Okay, thank you, Tony. I appreciate it.

Thank you guys. Let's do it. There he goes. Dan Payetetsky, everybody. Thank you. He's on social media at Dan P. Comedy. Hell yeah. All right, here's Zach Bogus.

For those of you that love dudes with serial killer energy. You know, Tony, I found out something about Zach. He used to work for two years as a general manager of an Alta makeup company. You know, Alta? Wow. He knows everything about makeup. Wow. Isn't that weird?

Hell yeah. Okay, this looks like an interesting name. Lane Ruhman. Lane Ruhman is next on Kill Tony. Here he comes. Right next to the stage. Very good. One more time for Lane Ruhman, everybody.

I was watching football the other day, at least a month ago, and I noticed that one of the punters was using one of those playbook wristbands. And I thought that was weird because you're on the field for like a minute, the whole game. Did you possibly need to remember in a minute? I think my dog's addicted to mushrooms. I think he's paying my cat to knock him off the bookshelf. I'm pretty sure he's paying my cat.

I don't know how my cat's getting all these sweaters. My cat doesn't have a job. And my dog's done so many mushrooms that he's starting to get really philosophical. Like, he's teaching himself new tricks. And he's getting really snobby about old tricks. Like, the other day I went shake and he goes, you know there's a global pandemic right now, right? All right, Lane Ruhman, absolutely.

I didn't hear the cat. Did the cat go off? Yeah, it did. It just happened. Very sad cat. I thought he was going to come sooner. Two seconds after he thought it would, because he left space for laughter that didn't happen. No, when I was practicing, I paused a lot more and then I was told not to pause so much.

Who told you that? I'm like a girlfriend. I practice. She was right. You think she predicted how unfunny it was going to be? You're not going to need those pauses. Incredible stuff, Lane. How long have you been doing stand up?

Roughly three weeks. Okay, awesome. Congratulations. That takes some balls right there. Absolutely. That makes sense. That explains a lot. If you had said anything longer than three weeks, I was going to prescribe killing yourself,

so very exciting. Did you start here? Were you on this show? Yeah. Okay. I went up first three weeks ago. Okay, awesome. Who was the guest for that one?

It was the... Oh, boy. The two people. The two people. Sarah Weinschenka and Jamar Neighbors. Oh, okay. Very cool. So, would it go better than this?

Yeah. Yeah, it did. Yeah, it went a lot better. Is this only your second time performing? No, I did a couple open mics. Cool. How did the open mics go for you? The first one went really well, and then the second one, I bombed because I was getting

heckled the whole time. Oh, who was heckling you? Just some drunk girl. Damn. Did you... What'd you say to her? Did you try to get her back? That's how I felt.

Did you respond to the heckles at all? I was pretty new at getting heckled, so I didn't know how to handle it. Right. Start making fun of her appearance. It's really easy, too. Fuck off, girl. Well, Captain Obvious, Dr. Redban here with, oh, you should just make fun of them. Wow.

Comedy guru. Yeah. If they're Asian, an Asian woman, say her head's really big. Okay, Redban. Very weird. Jesus Christ. We're trying to stop Asian hate on this show. I don't know if you've been...

I don't know. I'm just kidding. I love it. I love it. There's a lot of people know I'm just kidding. So you didn't say anything back to her? What was she yelling at you? Fuck you, you suck.

Well, I was making a joke about how I... Talk louder. Sorry. I was making a joke about how I look like I hate Jews, and so she kept, like, she was walking, like, almost onto the stage saying, I'm Jewish, and then, like... Why was she coming to the... Did you drop a coin or something like that? Why was she...

What would make her walk to the stage like that? I don't know why she... We're trying to stop Jewish hate here on Guiltown. I don't hate Jewish people. I just look like I do. You should have said she was, like, coming on the stage. I guess my observation was right or something like that. Yeah.

It really makes you understand some of the stuff that's happening. The heckle master Brian right there, again, giving more advice. You should have said something to her. So is this true? You have a dog and a cat? Yeah, I have several dogs and several cats. Why do you have several dogs and several cats? I feel like we went over this last time, but just...

Let's do it again. You didn't even remember the show that you were on three weeks ago. I was just going to remember the guest names. Okay. Tell us about your dogs and cats. Yeah, I've got six dogs and three cats. I did say last time I misspoke. My retarded cat has cerebral hypoplasia.

I'm glad that you corrected that for us. We had a lot of listeners contacting the Guiltownie hotline asking, what was the exact condition of the retarded cat on that episode with Lane Ruhman? Well, palsy sounds a little worse than hypoplasia. Cat cerebral palsy sounds worse than hyperplasia? Yeah. Well, you know, palsy's more wrecking. Was the cat offended?

Like when you went home, was the cat like Lane sit down? We have to talk about this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's Red Band's impression of a retarded cat. We actually have retarded cat sound effects, but I'm glad that you're doing... All right.

So okay, Lane, what's something about your life that we didn't talk about last time that you were on and that we might find interesting? Have you thought about that in the past three weeks? Well, something that happened in the last three weeks was I got bit by a dog on my face. Was it one of your own dogs? No. Is that work? Where do you work?

I'm a dog groomer. You're a dog groomer? Yeah. Okay. And what made it bite your face? Didn't like the haircut you gave it? No. The owner didn't tell us it a bit, and I was trying to pick it up, and it left at my face.

Wow. That's awesome. Did you lock lips with it or anything? For a minute. Wow. Was it a Jewish dog? Yeah. Okie dokie.

Really, any second now this episode's going to start, I promise. Pretty incredible. So that's fun. Lane, what's your girlfriend like? What does she do? She's also a dog groomer. Wow. Two dog groomers.

Which we also discussed last time. Okay. All right. Okie dokie. Really, really fun stuff, Lane. Interesting. Ron, you have anything else you want to say about this guy? Absolutely not.

I thought that was tired, but two or three weeks, been doing it, you know, that's a, you only do stand up if you think it's fun. So if you think it's fun, just keep going to every open mic you can, and see if it doesn't just come around for you. There you go. I agree. Absolutely. I'm giving real advice.

There it is. Three weeks into his career. There he goes. It's Lane Ruhman, everyone. There he is. R-U-H-M-A-N-N on social media. Hell yeah. Ron has a great little doggy.

Is that your first dog you've ever had, or you have a little French bulldog? Oh no, Mustard is, I don't know, I've had 50 dogs. Yeah. Not at once, but I've had 50 dogs. Mustard's the shit. Yeah, Mustard's a great dog. That's my favorite dog. He's on the bus, right outside.

Oh, I love it. Okay, let's see what happens now. I have a feeling things are about to pick up here a little bit. Make some noise for your next comedian, Travis Nathan Ray. Travis Nathan Ray, a three-word name. These are always very promising. Usually either a good comedian or a future serial killer, Travis Nathan Ray. Coming from the upstairs holding station here at Antones on Fifth Street in Austin, Texas.

Temperature. Hell yeah. Here we go. Make some noise for Travis Nathan Ray, everybody. People's lips are the same color as their genitals. I hate when people say that white people don't have any culture. Like this one time, I overheard this girl say, I should have never got that dog. It's an Aquarius.

Didn't appropriate that from anybody. I tried to teach myself how to wink my own butt hole. You know, like the strippers do, but ended up just farting on a mirror. I really thought he would like that one more. I'm wearing skinny jeans for some reason, and there's like the seam up the middle, you know. Like when you go to sit down, if all your furniture like isn't in the same room, it makes your nuts make a decision. Like at first it wants to go to the left, and the last second it goes to the right.

That's called rolling a nut. Ladies don't have to worry about that. For y'all, it goes right up the middle. You have a lip on each side. But then it looks like someone tied a bandana too tight around the mouth of a ninja turtle. Okie dokie. Travis Nathan Ray, everybody. There he is.

Absolutely. Always exciting when we have the top half of a centaur on the show. Very fun. Welcome, Travis. Welcome, welcome. What's the name of your Leonard Skinner cover band that you're in? I'm in a blues guitar band. Oh, you are?

Oh, ok. You called it. Alright. I'm not going to say the name. Why do why not? What's the name? The Briars. Oh, ok.

You guys play a lot locally? We play around Texas. Awesome. We used to. We weren't very good. You guys broke up? No, we just stopped getting gigs. What part of the band were you?

I was lead guitar. Wow. Ok. Yeah. Absolutely. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? About two years. Two years.

Awesome. All of that here in Austin? Is this where you live? All college station. Like once a week in college station. Ok. Driving out here for this. Alright.

Awesome. I've been doing this 35 years. You want a little tip? Yes. Ok. Look at the crowd when you do it, right? You don't have to look at them. You can look above them.

But it looks like to them that you're looking at them. And then sell it whether it sucks or not. So you got a little lost a little confidence there at the end. You kind of squeaked out that last punch line while you were looking away. That's never going to work. Stare them down. Deliver the line. And they'll fucking laugh.

Or the same thing is going to happen to you that happened to your band. That's great advice. That's the best comedy advice I heard since Red Band taught us all how to deal with hecklers a few minutes ago. But no, that's really good stuff. Travis, what do you do for work? You seem like an interesting guy. I am a network analyst.

Really? Yeah. I was not expecting that. I thought for sure fucking pipe shop or something like that. No, there's a reason I pursue other things. What does that mean exactly a network analyst? You're on computers all day? No, like all the digital signs you see menus in fast food places.

When the prices aren't right, they call me. And you make the price right? Yep. I love it. What's your living situation? You live by yourself? I live with my girlfriend and her three kids. Oh, wow.

Her three kids. Damn. How old are they? 7, 11 and 15. Do you have a favorite? The middle one. The middle one. Yeah.

Natalie, she's an artist. She's awesome. Very cool. Very kind of annoying. Which one do you hate? Sorry, Victoria. What's that? Which one do you hate?

The 15-year-old, right? We all know it. Yeah, the 15-year-old. That slutty 15-year-old, am I right? I've never had to say fuck you to a kid so much. Right. Do they ever give you the you're not my real dad? They do that?

No, and then you just say fuck you. Wow. I'm going to my room. How about that? Hey, look at that. I like that. You do that on stage? Well, it's a garage.

I hide in the garage a lot. Yeah, you got to talk about that on stage. But I'm saying, do you talk about, is that part of your thing? Talking about how you live with your girlfriend with three kids and I'm going to my room? No, not yet. That's good. You see, you said that and it gets a big pop because then it's really about your life. Well, I tried to do like the quick joke thing.

I don't know how to do the one minute in my life. Yeah, but it was a wink and strip or butthole joke. Right? So I came so talking about your real life might be interesting, you know, it really people can feel it even though it sounds weird and unbelievable. People can feel when something's true and honest and that you're dealing with something. Although I honestly believe you've seen a stripper's butthole wink. Yeah, I was in the Air Force for eight years.

Right. I've seen a lot of strippers wink their buttholes. It's hard to do. I've tried it. How long have you been with? That's a talent. Okay. It just, mine just keeps open.

Oh, okay. There you go. Go on with it. I'm really chasing the dragon there. Anything else? You have any more tags for this winking stripper butthole thing you're doing? No. Okay.

I'll keep it moving along then. How long have you been with this girl that has three basically grown up kids? I've been with her for two years. Two years? How? How? I mean, like, what is it about her that you like so much that you would deal with three kids?

I don't know. She's going to watch the show. So. Well, Matt, luckily I'm asking you what's good about her and not what's horrible about her. So if you can't come up with anything, that's what's going to look bad to her. Nope. Come up with plenty of shit.

She's awesome. She's beautiful. She loves doing acid. So. Oh. There we go. That's great. She likes to camp.

That makes us all very happy for that seven-year-old. Where'd you meet her at? Good question. So I, it was my co-worker's wife at the time. Ooh. This is at your network analyst job? And you're like, this price is not matching up correctly. I'm going to fix this right now.

I've never written a joke about this shit ever, and then you're going to bring this up now. Like. It's time to start writing jokes about this shit. So. I found out my wife cheated on me with like a whole. Wait. You were married.

I was married. Found out my wife cheated on me with like a whole mess of dudes. How did you find out? It tastes different. When I ask a question, if you just let them answer, the show moves on. If you just say disgusting shit after every question, it gets like a little bit. Then I have to ask again. Go ahead.

So I discovered I was looking through my VA benefits trying to get disability for obvious reasons. And I found when you're overseas, if your wife goes to the hospital, they put it on your records. While I was in Iraq, she went to get a plan B pill. Oh. How much was it? What'd you say?

I'm going to guess $39.99. Hey. Yeah. She got the plan B pill and I went to confront her about her cheating and she opened up to me about a different dude she cheated with, not the dude in the plan B dude. No. Oh my God. You're in Iraq dealing with IEDs and she's here dealing with IUDs.

It's incredible. Again, that was another really brilliant joke. You can't make these things up. There's no one that has like, you can't just have a preparer to be able to do an IED IUD joke like that. But I get it. There's a lot of initials there, a lot of math to be done on a Monday night. So I don't blame you guys for that one.

So do you know like who the guys were like or like were they white guys or really interesting question just when Red Band wants to know if it's his worst nightmare as well. No, actually, it's funny that you would ask that because we were in Japan at the time and it was all Japanese dudes what she cheated on you with Japanese dudes. My God, you must have like a four dick toothbrush or something like that or not exactly. Sure how it works, but that's not really cheating because it doesn't really go inside, right? By the way, that's like the opposite of being cheated on by a black man. You come home, the apartment's cleaner.

Everything's nicer. Like it's like China's tighter than it was. Yeah, I would actually allow that. I didn't say I was mad about it. That is the only acceptable answer. Absolutely. My God, all Japanese guys, you guys were living in Japan while you were in Iraq. Yeah, we lived in Japan for like three years.

I was only deployed to Iraq for a while out of Japan. Uh-huh. And this came out. I was with her for 13 years. The final total once she was telling me every story, the next story, the next story. Oh my God. It was over 30 people. Oh my God, Jesus.

All Japanese. 13. Yeah. Well, no, we came back to the States and she landed her some Americans too. Oh yeah. Okay. So she got some Americans on this list of so to bring the story back. I found out about all the cheating and you decided to fuck your buddy's wife.

Okay. All right. All right. All right. All right. Beautiful. Did she make any money? Wait, John Dees with the question.

Did she make any money? No, man. I worked the whole time. She went to school. She never worked. Oh my God. Wow. What did she go to school for?

Japanese? That's fuck. 33 dudes. No, the real fucking answer of what she went to school for is way funnier, to do hair. She went to do hair? It cost us 10 grand because she didn't want to go to a regular hair school. She had to go to some other prestigious hair school. Wow.

Guess what she does now? What? Not cut hair. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah. What does she do? Let me guess.

A hostess at a Japanese restaurant? No, she works at a tire shop in a fucking small town. Wow. She's finally using rubbers. Yeah. That has to. Oh, there you are. Okay.

Just wanted to make sure that has to make you feel good though. Like fuck you. You were at a tire shop. Bro, my girlfriend's so hot right now. Way hotter than her. Wow. That's great. Look at that.

What an upgrade for you, huh? And let's be honest. When you were stationed in Japan, you went to that strip club that was next to the base and you did those things with those strippers that. What the fuck is wrong with you, Redbin? He knows exactly what I'm talking about. Redbin, can you jerk off before next Monday's episode, please? You are like the fucking.

I know a stripper from Japan that worked there and she told me the one that does the banana show. Yes. What the fuck is happening right now? What type of pig festival am I in the middle of? You guys all know the same strippers? You would never forget her. She puts a banana inside of herself, pushes it out and then makes a marine eat it.

Yes. Really? What were you hoping would happen? Hi, Coco. Entertainment. I don't know. My goodness gracious. Have you eaten the banana?

My goodness. I'll tell you this, Travis. Fun stuff. I mean, and an unbelievable interview. You totally made up for the first three comedians lack of wanting to answer questions. This was incredible. And you've been prescribed some really good doses. All this stuff that you talked about during the interview is infinitely funnier, realer.

It feels like you. It's your real life. It's going to make you feel better about these things that have happened. And you got to start really knocking it out because as you hear by the audience's responses, this stuff's really funny, man. Right on, man. I appreciate that. Hell yeah.

How about a big hand for Travis Nathan Ray, everyone? That's right. He's on social media at Travis Nathan Ray. Here we go. Time for a special treat. You guys like special treats? Where's the real Kill Tony fans at here, huh? All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, one of the Kill Tony regulars from Los Angeles, California, famous for his incredible roasting abilities and great joke writing. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the real deal, David Lucas. Yeah. You should not be labeled a lesbian if you're fucked by a strap on. Like, Cizeran is the only acceptable way to be a lesbian. Like, to me, lesbians and vegans are the same shit. Y'all both looking for replacements for real meat.

I'm convinced women that get fucked by strap bones probably eat cauliflower wings, too. Like, bitch, just eat a real hot wing. You know what I'm saying? Like, stop playing with the fake meat, bitch. I hate internet dating, man. I hate internet dating because bitches be on there twerking in a profile picture, a description that'll say no hookups. Like, what the fuck did you expect?

A walk on the beach, bitch? I don't know what you wanted. Like, to me, that's greedy. Like, you want to show your ass off, but at the same time, you want me to take you by candlelight and kiss you under the moon. I just wrote that joke. Fuck, man. Let's fuck.

Oh, yeah. David Lucas doing real jokes, getting real laughs, acknowledging when a joke doesn't work, getting a laugh off that. That's real comedy there. Yeah, man. Absolutely. A real good 60-second set. David Lucas lives in Los Angeles, but spends now two weeks out of every month in Austin,

Texas. Yeah, man. I have my apartment here by May. Okay. Yeah. All right. You getting a new apartment? Yeah, dawg.

I'm going to keep the spot in LA, though. Okay. Yeah, yeah. All right. You live that kind of life. That's how your people like to spend money. You know what I mean? How do you like to spend your money, Tony?

What's that? How do you like to spend your money? The same way. I was born and raised in an all-black neighborhood, so I like to stay close to my roots. Tony is blacker than me. His first car was like a Crown Victoria. That's actually true. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Like, he had a crown. My first car was a Honda Accord. Damn. Exactly. My God. That's so Japanese. You could have fucked the last guy's wife. Welcome, David.

Welcome back. It's always great to have you in town. Yeah, he was a sucker for that shit. Yeah. I want to beat that bitch ass. Really? My goodness. What would you do?

You would just get her in the missionary position and just let your weight go? Smother. I mean, you in Japan, you could have threw that bitch off a building and they would have thought it was suicide. David Lucas is here. You're talking about online dating. Is that true? Do you really try that?

You on any of those sites or anything? Trying to see who watched this show that I fuck with. Come on. Yeah, I did some online dating. I spent the premium money. You look like you eat plenty of fish. And Tony has subscribed to plenty of dicks. Come on.

Over here looking like Lil Nas XXXL. Over here looking like Klondike Black. Hey, Tony, I heard you was a silent investor in Grindr. Well, actually, I wasn't that silent about it at all. Hell yeah, bro. No, I love it. That's also your favorite kind of sandwich, right? Yeah.

You like to put them suits on so you can get naked real quick. I'm butting it and pulling it to your ankles. Yeah, at least my pants can go to my ankles. Looks like they're going to hit some real trouble there when those pants hit those swollen kneecaps of yours. Sorry, baby. Hold on a second. Let's just fuck with my pants halfway on.

Let's do it. You keep your t-shirt on while you fuck like when you swim? No, no, no. Girls that fuck with fat boys want the whole experience. Girls are telling me to take that shit off. Hell yeah. Then do you take your bra off afterwards, too? No, god damn, Tony.

Oh, I always miss it when you go away for a couple weeks. So much fun to have you back. Hell yeah, bro. What else has been happening, David? It's been a couple weeks since we've seen you. Let's see. That's about it, bro. Same old, same old.

Waiting for LA to open up a little more. Texas wide-ass open. I love this shit. Hell yeah. Still doing the same shit. You see him smoke house, bold and acres. Still going there. That's right.

I actually accidentally forgot to mention that. See him smoke house. Best brisket in Austin, I might say. Best brisket in motherfucker. Which one? See him smoke house on Lamar. Yeah, I got to take you there. Ron introduced me to the great Terry Blacks,

my first meal here visiting. I was just visiting back in November to see the lay of the land. I fuck with Terry Blacks. Trust me. And yes. You think it's the other way. Yeah, man. I have eight and like eight, nine barbecue spots in Austin.

You're really good, man. You're really funny. What are you going to do? Are you just waiting for LA to open? Are you spending more time there? Are you going to focus on this career to a stand up? I'm going to stand up for me career-wise. I'm a door guy at the comedy store.

So it's just about having a balance. Because I like what I'm doing in Austin as well. Because I got a show that I do at the Vulcan that's picking up pretty good. All right, good. And also, you know, a lot of big things coming to Austin that I want to be a part of. So, you know, it's nothing to fly back and forth.

It's like $90. So to plant seeds over here and then still be in LA. I love the honesty. You're absolutely right. It's $90. You can't beat it. No, you can't beat it, bro. It's weird.

The cost more to drive here. It's so weird. It makes no sense. Yeah, it really doesn't. Sometimes it's less. I saw jet blue flights for $45 round trip. Don't get on that shit, bro. That's so plain.

No, jet blue is not so plain. That shit ghetto, bro. It is not. That shit one step above spirit, though. You're totally wrong. You must have been on one flight from like Atlanta to fucking Detroit. Right.

I don't fuck with jet blue. I went from Atlanta to Detroit. It was like so plain. I swear to God. Well, yeah. Jet blue is awesome. I went to Zimbabwe the other day. You wouldn't believe how many black people were on the flight.

I feel like they're going to change it, though. They're like just getting us all used to it. And now I know where they're going to be. Oh, it's $600 now for a round trip. Well, I will say jet blue got the best snatch. Unfortunately, it's going to take a while for the economy to get back to where it was just a couple of years ago when everybody was complaining about everything.

Yeah. Anyway, uh... Well, we'll see. We'll see, man. You know. All right. Well, yeah. I'm an LA guy at the end of the day, Ron.

I've been out there since I was 19. Oh, there. That's my home in Georgia. That's right. How are your parents doing? My mama cool. She just got a new iPhone. So she don't call me no more.

She only FaceTime. Okay. That's kind of annoying. Yeah. But other than that, she chilling, bro. I don't know what my daddy doing. I didn't talk to him in like three weeks. Oh, wow.

Yeah, you know. You know, though. The rumor is true with black people. We don't... Right. We don't got the best relationship with our fathers. Yeah. He doesn't want to FaceTime, right?

No, they just turned on the speakerphone out in public when I was going to hear it. I think he got to enjoy it on some real shit. I think he got to enjoy it. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. All right.

Well, David, amazing set as always, always so much fun. A real professional showing how 60 seconds is done. There he is. The great David Lucas, everybody. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. What? Stay in Texas. There you go.

There's the head of Austin tourism right there in the middle of the room. There, there, there. They hear Uncle Wolf. The guy's got children back in Los Angeles, sir. Let him go see his kids every once in a while. All right. Okay. Cory Wolf.

Cory is next on Kiltoni. How about a big hand for the band, everybody? Come on. Out here just killing it. Who knows what can happen? Hopes and dreams on the line here at Kiltoni. A lot of people prepped months or years for this. Some people decided today that they would sign up.

Never know what's going to happen. Cory Wolf on the way to the stage. All right. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Here she is, everybody. Come on. One more time for Cory Wolf, everybody.

What's up, everybody? Some of you think I was a man. I get that a lot. That's the 80s. I blame that vampire movie with Cory Hame. Yeah. Anyway, Jesus fucking Christ. I just moved to Austin like four months ago.

I'm feeling like a fucking character in a biblical movie almost. Or just a Bible. What the fuck? I've read the Bible. We all are. But it's like I came out here on a whim and now I'm up here. And I'm trying, you know, I kind of knew I was going to get called because I'm a woman for one.

And the way I signed the paper, I signed it on the bottom to make it so that they cut the thing bigger and the bigger one sift to the top. So I cheated a little bit. Anyway, actually incredible. You are actually right about that. There is an extra, like I would say a quarter of an inch in width to that, as you see, compared to the average size piece of paper. Very smart.

Incredible that you would so strategically try to get selected on the show and prepare less than nothing for it. I know. If you put half as much thought into what you were going to say if you got picked into getting picked. What were you thinking? It worked. What part of it worked?

I don't know. I have this thing. I don't gamble unless I'm going to win. And I fucking did it. No, you made it to the casino and then you lost. Yeah, that's true. Incredible. I've only clocked like 40 minutes of stage time so far.

Okay. So you just started. How long have you been doing it for? 40 minutes. Oh, like, okay. Oh my goodness. March. You started in March, but we all know you famously from the hit show Daria.

Yes. You started and what made you start in March? I just got out of the house. You just got out of the house. Heck yeah. How many cats do you have? None. I have three dogs. Three dogs. You live by yourself?

No, I live in a very competent house. A very what? Competent. I thought you said competent. Me too. I'm like, oh, you live with a bunch of black people. That's cool. Wouldn't it guess that?

Yeah, and, you know, I balance it out. What does that mean, a competent house? What does that mean to you? It means they brush their teeth and they do dishes. Oh, good ideas. Okay. All right. Who are these people?

I don't know what's happening tonight. This is a wild one. Yeah, are you on meth or something? Are you on meth? No, I drank a cup of coffee. Oh. When I hadn't drank a cup of coffee in like a year and now I'm like dissociating on stage.

When did you drink this cup of coffee that has caused all this disruption with you tonight? Like 7.30. Like, it was terrible. 7.30 tonight? Yeah, and yeah, it's not cocaine. I swear, Austin. What made you do that?

What made you decide to have a cup of coffee at 7.30? Um, I was going to go gamble. Okay. I don't know. I don't know. All right. What's your love life like? I'm single.

Oh, we know. But what's your love life like? Oh, well, I've been proposed to seven times in my life. You've been proposed to seven times in your life? Yes. How? Why? What the fuck?

Seven different people or one person asks you seven times. Yeah, it's a safe guy, right? One guy with a terrible stuttering problem once proposed to you. Yes. The second time I said yes. Will you marry me? No. Go ahead.

Explain to us how you've been proposed to seven times. Well, I date people and I'm like, I'm not going to marry you until we hit the five-year mark. And they like ask me before and they're like, will you marry me? And I'm like, not yet. And usually about year three, they, they, I figure out that they're lying to me. About what? Well, I remember one time I was talking to my boyfriend and he revealed to me that he

didn't know what the sun was made out of. And I just like... What a fucking nerd you are. What are you talking about? Is that what this is? You date like nerds, right? No, I treat low-lives, dude. Like what?

Like former meth addicts. I'm not kidding. How do you end up with these people? They're funny. I mean, sometimes... They're funny? I don't know. I let the devil into my house, like what am I saying?

What do you do for work? Well, they're not that funny. They're, I guess it's like... What do you do for a living? I'm currently unemployed and not like, why am I going to quit that? It's pretty awesome. What did you do for work before you were unemployed? Well, I worked for Burning Man.

I cannot get a fucking read on you for the life of me. I keep going back and forth thinking you're a drug addict, thinking you're a nerd. She's a drug addict, for sure, right? Well, I mean... Do you do drugs? That's why you're asking the question. On a occasion?

What kind of drugs do you do? Well, I can tell you what I haven't done. Why don't you tell us what you have done? Weed, mushrooms, LSD, cocaine, ecstasy, but there are... So that's everything you need for stand-up comedy. So you're on the right track, I think. But, you know, cocaine's a bad one, and you ought to use it as a tool, you know?

Because what dopamine does... Like that coffee. Listen, what dopamine does is it strengthens that pathway in... Right. Whatever you're doing right before you do the cocaine. It seems like you use the cocaine when you're signing up and the heroin when you're performing. I know.

Minutes? I mean, it's really tough. What do you like to do for fun? What's a big... Other than stand-up comedy since March, what's a big outlet for you? What do you like to... Wandering outside. Wandering outside.

Are you a cat? A little bit. Well, my last name is Wolf, so I kind of try and play that up a bit. Do you like peeling your skin off sometimes when the demons tell you? No. Now I'm over that.

We made some peace. Other than wandering outside, any other hobbies or anything that we would find fascinating about you, Cory Wolf? From Arizona. Let me ask you this. The main joke that you did in 60 seconds of uninterrupted

stage time tonight was, I just moved to Austin. Now I'm here. I know. In your other comedy sets in the other 40 minutes that you've accumulated, Cory, can you give us an example of a nice short joke

that you've written that you didn't do here tonight? Oh. Yeah, that comedy part of the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Austin is really interesting. It looks like you guys fucking took seven generations of Legos and just fucking mashed them all together.

You got the Old West set, you got the corporate hell set all mashed in together, and I can tell you guys do a lot of cocaine here by the layout of the city. All right. Wow, this is... This is a random audience.

We have no idea who that man is. We've never heard a voice like that before. Can't believe a stranger in the audience would yell something like that. Oh, well... I can't believe that guy doesn't love horribly written Lego jokes. I think that's the guy that I, like,

photo bombed outside. Like, they were taking a picture and they were like, where did it go? And I gave him the Texas Cross. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, Cory. My goodness gracious. All right, Cory Wolf.

I'll tell you this. I mean, through it all, I got to say, one of the funniest performances by a female stand-up comedian we've ever seen in history of the show. Way better than Schumer, right? Anyway, there she goes. Cory Wolf, everybody.

On to the next one. My goodness. Ron. Ron, I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening here tonight. Clearly, we have a tunnel coming from a psychiatric ward. Yeah. It's a special field trip. There was a bus trip from...

I think we should nail that door shut and just open a new door. Yeah. Pretty wild. Some people like Owen episodes are off their... off the hinges. I kind of get it, though. When you're listening to the audio,

that bad shit's actually entertaining. Yep. Get a Ben one. How about Ben Buck? It sounds like a real comedy name. Ben Buck. Oh, look at this over there. Ben Buck

is next on Kill Tony. Very fun stuff happening here. We have a couple more special treats coming. Right around the corner here. We know this guy. Here comes Ben Buck. Oh, look at this. This is the front door security guy.

This is very exciting. Here at Antones, everybody. The guy that let you in makes a noise for Ben Buck. Shake, shake, shake. Knock, knock. Clap your hands. Clap, clap, clap, clap. Clap, clap, clap, clap.

From the front to the back, where you at? Where you at? Where you at? Hey. Hey. From the front to the back, where you at? Hey. Yeah. At the top, it ain't bad to stop it. Break it down like a poppin', lockin'. I got my spot bumpin' the beat with the Buffy Box.

Get on the level, lift to the edge. One of your better compete. Glad on tracks, hitting some effortlessly. How y'all feelin'? That was fuckin' amazing. I think the more you know Ben, the funnier that actually is because he's one of the nicest people,

one of the most polite fuckin' guys, very just quiet and does his job here at Antones. He's been working the door at every single episode here, and I certainly was not expecting that whatsoever. That was fuckin' crazy.

How long have you been doing that for? Well, I've been beatboxing for about like 10 years now. So I'm 23. Been doing it since 13. Professionally since like 16. Wow, that's so cool.

And how can people find some of your work? Y'all can check me at BenBug Beatbox on all platforms and Spotify as well. Wow, that is so cool. My goodness. What am I got? Do the ladies love beatboxing? Does that work out?

Does beatbox lead to e-box? It's actually BenBug e-box on the weekends, shit. What was that answer, Ben? It's BenBug e-box on the weekends. Okay, you have a girlfriend or what's your move? Yeah, shout out, Bailey, she's at home. Bambi? Yeah, Bambi, how about that?

Damn, Bambi. Oh, dear. Alright. So either you don't understand what's going on or I don't understand what's going on. I thought this was the rap open mic. I'm so fucking confused, like, oh my god. I'm like, these other rappers suck, god damn.

Honest to god, you know what? Normally I would say you didn't do any jokes, but I think the room needed a little fucking jolt of energy there, and I think you did it, dude. Shit. So cool. What else do you do, Ben? Tell us more about you. Well, my other favorite hobby is

ping pong. Does anyone here like to play ping pong? Let me see it. Let me play some ping pong. Alright. Wow. Oh my god, this is crazy. Wow. Jesus Christ!

This is completely blown. Oh, does he do it? Wow, Ben, that is so fucking cool, man. So do you perform shows? Like, do you do this like during shows? Yeah, this was what I did before quarantine happened. I had to pivot, get a real fucking show. Wow.

You were doing live shows entirely as income. Yeah, for sure. Incredible. Do you have Thursday night off? Yes, I do. I would love to have you open up the show at Vulcan. Oh, man. I really appreciate that, man. Thank you. Wow, look at that. Ben, fuck.

Getting a little gig. And now that we know what he does, maybe every once in a while you can come up fucking if we ever need a jolt of energy. I'll just bring you up here and fucking shock the audience. Hell yeah, thank you. I saw the band. I've never seen out of all the whatever we've done

here, 10, 12, whatever episodes. I gotta say, I looked over when you did went into the ping-pong thing. I saw the excitement on John Bees' face. Looks like it was Christmas morning over there. So cool. You actually got the band excited, which is fun to see.

We've waited, man. Shit. I love it, Ben. Shit. Blinded by the light. D-Madness said he almost saw something. For those of you listening to the podcast, we don't

have a mic for D-Madness. Let's get one. For sure. So Ben, where'd you meet your girlfriend? I met her at a rap show, actually. Self-buy two years ago. Very cool. What does she do? She works for Apple. She speaks French

for Canadian tech support. Damn. Sounds like a weird bit, but it's not. Oh, yeah. No, that's perfect. And do you ever do any of your beatboxing tricks in the bedroom or anything like that? I'll try to just echo. I'll try to. Oh, shit.

Red band. I love it. Ben, so fucking cool, dude. Very, very interesting stuff. I've never thought beatboxing was so cool until you just did it. Shit, thank you.

I already asked you where they can find your stuff, right? Yeah, you can find me anywhere at BenBug Beatbox. I have stickers at the front. All are at me. Go get a sticker from Ben Buck on your way out. One more time for Ben, everybody. Very awesome stuff. Very cool. 23. Is that right, Ben?

23 fucking years old. This guy's going to be a huge goddamn star. Yeah. I can't wait to watch you Thursday, man. He already is one half of Run the Jewels. Not the half that you guys probably know. How cool is that?

Actually, let's bring up the other half of Run the Jewels, right? You want to? Yeah, let's do it. This guy won the extremely rare prize in almost 500 episodes of this show. Only seven people ever have won a thing called

the Golden Ticket, which means you have to have an absolutely perfect 60 seconds and an absolutely perfect interview. Last week, he reemerged for only the first time since winning the Golden Ticket in Iowa.

There's only been seven people to do it. One in England, one in Australia, five in America. This is one of those guys. In his appearance last week, things went so off the fucking rails that got so crazy in here that people are going to talk about it.

Fans of the show are going to talk about it for years. This is his third time ever on the show. He's an anomaly. Let's see how it goes. Make some noise for the great. Allo mean, everybody! Everybody! Hey, Austin, motherfucking Texas, I've been here for one week

and this is all I got to say. You guys, I was fat shamed the other day by myself. It was real passive of the way it happened too. See, I've been at the gym and I was lifting at the gym, upper body day, so I was feeling real jacked.

Chest, back, arms, shoulders, everything feeling real tight. You ever come from the gym and you feel like you're the rock, but deep inside you know you're more like the sponge? Anyway, I go home, take a shower, get out of the shower, go to the mirror and wipe your steam off the mirror. Swipe, swipe. And that's why I fucked up that second swipe.

Usually I just do one swipe. All I need to see is head and shoulders. Anything more than that will mess with what I got going on inside for myself. You see, that second swipe happened and I stopped moving and my midi kept shaking and it fucked me up. Now if you don't know a midi is a man-titty. I've

had them all my life. When I was a boy they were bitties. But now they have hair on them, so they're midis. I don't want to talk about it. Aloe Meen Absolutely. Talking about it. Getting it out. Welcome back Aloe.

Hey, good to be here, good to be here. Last week was crazy. The episode hasn't come out yet. We've been, we have a couple episodes banked because we did some road shows so people don't even know exactly what happened. I don't really want to give anything away to this audience that might see that episode

and I don't want to scare anybody or frighten anyone. It's going to be talked about a lot probably. It's definitely a highlight in Kiltoni history. Long story short. Yeah, let's not even do that. Aloe, how's your week in Austin, Texas been? It's been crazy, man.

No wait, I want to find out what the fuck happened. What happened last week was so the great Donnell Rawlings was here and Donnell famously housed David Lucas

in a roast off. Donnell did his research on his first appearance on Kiltoni as a guest a couple years ago and he researched the show deeply and he realized that David Lucas likes to make fun of the guest and

Donnell decided to get ahead of it by making fun of David and not letting David talk and since then they've gone back and forth and whatnot but Donnell specifically did not want to get roasted by David Lucas and last week David wasn't here

but Aloe Meen was and Donnell made a single joke about Aloe Meen, something about his genes and Aloe decided to summon all of the gods and devils that have ever existed in the world

and he made fun of Donnell until basically Donnell left in the middle of the show. He went to the bathroom and then the eternal bathroom of the exit door

it was I guess everywhere is a bathroom out there according to the homeless population but pretty wild Aloe. You are the first person in Kiltoni history to make a guest leave the show. Yeah, that was intense.

I really wasn't planning on that. I didn't expect him to be here. I saw him walk on stage when the show started and my mind just flipped into if he comes at me I gotta be ready to come at him. And it was wild. He didn't have time to prepare he did not know Donnell was going to be the guest but when the moment hit

Aloe absolutely went into survival mode and it was pretty crazy. It was awesome. So Aloe what else has happened this week in Austin, Texas that's interesting? A lot of hanging out over there by other

Spots Volcan. I went to David Lucas this fucking crazy ass show last night actually it's dope. Y'all out here check that out. Do you see me there? Yeah, I saw you there. You walked right past me. That's okay. I was wearing a mask though. I was wearing a mask and I went by the year about to get on stage

so I know how that goes. Awesome. No, I wish you would have at least said hi. Yeah, I probably should have. You also got to witness Thursday Danny Brown almost beating up Steve Burn. Yeah, that was some crazy shit. Did you see me almost get attacked by a Chinese man?

Yeah, I saw him standing at the front of the stage fucking this. Very wild. Thursday night we did a show and I was doing jokes about Chinese people. Just jokes. No big deal. And it turns out that I deeply offended a Chinese man and he decided to come right

up to the front of the stage and stand there staring at me like he was going to physically do something which in turn led me to make fun of him and the Chinese people relentlessly. Thinking that he would eventually leave angrily. A minute after

minute he decided to stay there. I kept doing more Chinese jokes and he started to physically threaten me at which point. The three security guards had to escort him towards the exit and I said that's what I call Chinese takeout.

The rest is the rest is beautiful. He's been tagging me on posts on Instagram. Yeah, funny thing is that he actually said that I was making fun of the killings at the spa that happened.

Which you were not. I never made a joke about that. In retrospect, I sort of wish I did. I would have had I thought about it but I didn't. But it's interesting how someone will lie in order to make their story seem fitting to other people. He wants to cancel me for a Chinese

takeout joke that hurt his feelings. I probably shouldn't say Chinese takeout three times in front of you, Al, or you're going to have a blood sugar attack right now. So you're leaving tomorrow. Yeah, flying back tomorrow. This is in Iowa, by the way.

I know if I gave you a hundred guesses you probably wouldn't guess that it was in Iowa. Is that where you're born and raised? Yes, sir. We grow out. We go black people out there in corn. There's a few. It's a small plot of black people but we're out there, though. Okay. What did your parents do for work?

What did they do in Iowa? My dad, he did a lot of stuff that I probably can't really mention. My mom was a teacher for over 25 years. Okay. Your dad was involved in some criminal affairs? He dabbled in a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

You know how it goes. I didn't see him too often, you know. I need to sell him little baggies of corn or whatever. Ever think about moving? You know what, I've always dreamed about living in Iowa. Dreamed about where I was born. What's the move? Appearance

is especially like last week. It had all of us really. And what you did in Iowa, you know. So, you think about getting out of there? I think eventually. This is a nice spot. If I did come somewhere it seems like this is going to be the new spot to be.

So, yes. I think that's the plan. How many you think Aloe Means should move to Austin, Texas? There you go. That's what I'm thinking. It's a little local encouragement. Hey, I want to say something. At the show Thursday, I did some nerdy shit. Ron White

walked past me after he fucking destroyed as Ron White does. I didn't know what to say to him. So, I tapped him on the shoulder and I'm like, hey, good set, man. That's all I could come up with. We're at an open mic or some shit. And he was like,

yeah. And just kept walking. So, I'm glad I get to come here. I hope I wasn't shitty. Was I shitty? No, not at all. But that's the response I deserve for coming at you like good set, man. I just tapped you. You're walking by. I was like, good set, man.

That's awesome. Did you remember that, Ron? No. You shouldn't. If I wouldn't have seen you now, I would have remembered that for the rest of my fucking life, though. If I wouldn't have seen you now, I'd get some redemption. So cool, man. Well, you just had a good set in front of them. A fun interview, fun times.

Aloe Mean, thanks for coming all the way from Iowa. Golden ticket winner, Aloe Mean. Golden ticket for the seven people that have won it. Because anytime they're ever in a city where a kill Tony is, they get to do a spot. So it's a pretty cool little award.

Very rarely given. Still never won given here in Austin, Texas. Not yet. Could be next. Could be the next name I pull out of the bucket. The odds are only like one in two thousand, but it could be.

All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Tim Warner. Tim Warner. Sort of sounds like a familiar name. We'll see what happens here. Everything is moving along smoothly. Yep. Yep.

There's only about, we only get through about seven or eight maybe on average of these names. And that's always how it's been. It was more in the comedy store. Used to be about a hundred and one point. Oh, we know this guy.

Oh, yeah, this guy's back from last week. Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Warner everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yo, so 2020, I kind of think it was a war on hope. You know what I mean? Like, fucking, we had an election.

How do you have any hope in that? You know, I kind of think like voting in this country is kind of like choosing between the best glory hole. You know what I mean? Like, no matter which one you choose, it's going to be frightening. Stick your dick in the left hole or the right hole

to bite it off. Then what? You got a buddy in the background who's like, hey, why don't you stick it in the independent one? And you're like, I am, but nothing's happening. This seems like a complete fucking waste of time. Right?

Everyone's so happy that fucking Biden's in. It's like, look, I understand, Trump necessarily wasn't the president we needed, but he was the kind of the man we deserved. You know, we suck kind of collectively. And him sucking is not the fucking exception.

We have been founded by scumbags. History is written by the winners and now they write memes. There you go. A little bit of a deep cut. Little manifesto by Tim Warner. I thought he was going to pull out a gun and shoot all of us at the end of that. Pretty exciting stuff.

Such stand hope energy. Yeah, you have a real prophetic type of delivery. Yeah, I've been right a lot. Hell yeah, man. So, Tim, you were literally on last week. Oh, we have the former president of the United States, Donald Trump on the line.

What do you think about that set? I've been watching you for the last couple of weeks. Okay, thank you, Mr. President. Do you think you'll ever come on and be a guest? It can happen. Wow. All right. That's very fun. What do you think

about the job that Joe Biden is doing right now? That is a huge problem. Oh, okay. Wow. It's a shame. He really got quiet there, Mr. President. You're not a nice person. You're right. I'm not. Anyway, here we're back here with Tim Warner.

Tim, last week we talked about a bunch of stuff about your life and this and that. What didn't we talk about? There's some interesting stuff about you that we didn't find out. Oh, wow. Let's see. New York homelessness. For those of you that weren't here last week,

I said that his barber is in Oompa Loompa. Or no, one of the from Munchkin line. Yes, I'm a Nazi. I performed at the Capitol Building on the day of the insurgent. What else are you going to do? I'll eight mile this shit

and get the jokes out of the way and answer the question that I asked you. I don't know. Other than me traveling around after I escaped New York on election day and just, I go to AA meetings in the day

and then I do this shit at night in the perspective during this medicinal martial law. It's just been so fascinating and it's been such a benefit to me because I just don't think there's a lot of people, let alone comics,

that are really getting the perspectives and being able to at least formulate the premises that hopefully I can put some punchlines on. Okay. How long have you been sober, Tim? Now it's 607. 607 days. Good for you, buddy.

Thank you. When you go to these AA meetings during the day, do you have a killer story? I know AA meetings, they tell great stories about how they ended up in the world. I don't want to dwell. I don't want to put my energy

on a past that wasn't successful where I was a loser. So I tend to dwell on now and then hopefully what I could do in the future. The idea that gratitude is an action word. So it's like... Gratitude?

Very silent G on that. Yeah, it's an action word and being the best version is saying thank you to the universe. You know what I mean? This is a fucking gift and being in New York, especially this past fucking year.

You're not even guaranteed the next fucking hour. Then it's like going to places where... New York, you can't fucking do this. They banned fun. To go to places where you can have fun and watch people take it for granted.

Um... I don't know. It's kind of a beautiful thing to watch and also heartbreaking. It's one of the least funny answers in the history of the show. Sorry, I got real for a second. I just started thinking of all my boys

back home and shit. Back in New York. You get busted doing a show outside by cops fucking... And if the governor catches you, he's going to grab your breasts. He's going to roll in all of this. But he's a fucking... They're all scumbags.

Alright Tim, well you got up last week. You got up again tonight. We're just going to speed through it. It was so much fun to have you back. Definitely a different type of style. Ron, what do you think about Tim Warner? Great stage presence. And that's always a great place to start.

So you got that going for you. I could understand every fucking thing you said. I just didn't understand why you said it. Perfect. There he goes, Tim Warner everybody. Alright. Alright. We're doing it. We're getting through it.

What do we do? We started ten minutes late, right? Let's go back to the bucket again. Let's see what happens here. We had a couple quick ones that we went through. We're coming around the mountaintop here. Zach Bogus, a little bit of extra sanitizer on that one this time, huh? Just kidding.

Kidding Tim. Alright. Let's see what happens next. Hunter stower. Hunter stower. Okay. Here comes Hunter, I do believe. A very confident walk.

That might be Hunter. Could be Hunter. And it's not Hunter. There it goes. A random human being getting through security. Zach Bogus just watching him walk by him. Yeah. Letting him up into the green room.

Very interesting. Okay. Here comes Hunter stower. Hell yeah. Guys, make some noise for your comedian, Hunter stower. Alright. Let's get it out of the way immediately. I look like Shaggy and Velma had a kid. Yeah. I can jankies and zoinks.

I can solve the mystery, but only the mystery who smoked my weed. It was me. I do smoke a lot of weed. I smoke weed at a competitive level, you know? Like if there wasn't a limit category for weed smoking, I would definitely forget to qualify for that shit, you know?

Yeah. I'm way more productive when I have weed too, because when I don't, I spend a lot of time looking for weed in that. That's counterproductive. I have a really stressful job. Anybody else? Yeah, mine's super exploitative.

I can't really talk about it. Alright, I think I have time for one more. When I was a little kid, yeah. When I was a little kid, my parents told me that my dog left to go live on a farm because they were protecting me from the truth

that she crashed a Boeing 757 into the Pentagon. Hashtag 9-11 was an inside dog job. Thank you. Okay, Hunter stower. Welcome to the show, Hunter. Hi, good to be here.

Did you propose to the girl that was on earlier in tonight's episode? Have you ever proposed? Wait, the one... Corey Wolf ring a bell to you? I met her out here. I'm actually married, though. Oh, you're married? I am married, yeah. Okay, how long have you been married for?

About two and a half years. Oh, cool. That's awesome. What does she do? I'm a single-income household right now. Okay, what do you do? I'm a human trafficker. Like the joke. Okay, what do you really do? No, I do recruiting and immigration.

So I am a human trafficker. It's just like my people want to be trafficked. What exactly are you talking about? Like, imagine... You're really like reaching for a joke and we just want to know. No, no, it's real. I told you, I do recruiting and immigration. You want a job? You recruit people that want to come to America?

Somebody's in Mexico. They want to be like a business systems analyst, like an industrial engineer. What do you mean? I'm a single-income. No, I can help them get a visa. I know how to do immigration work. Did these people ever hit you up? There's 100,000 people a day that just walk over the border

that don't even... They tend to not have industrial engineering degrees. Oh, I see. They're the smart ones. They're the ones that we want. They're the ones that Trump wanted, all right? I'm so confused. I'm really... You just wait till somebody comes across with a briefcase

Yeah, it's actually how I met my wife. She had a briefcase. Yeah, she was the one with the briefcase. Yeah, I was in love at first sight. She's from Columbia, so, yeah. Oh, cool. Yeah, Columbia and women are beautiful, right? Not a flash, just a fact, yeah. Yeah, she's probably way too good-looking for you, right?

She is, yeah, absolutely. Does your wife have a juicy butt? Yes, by American standards, apps are fucking loopy, but by Medellin Columbia standards, you can take, like, a seven and a half... Yeah, that's good. That's good on Colombian standards.

Red Band also has a seven and a half size on Colombian standards. Oh, yeah. I kill it in Colombia. Hunter, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Four years. Four years, I like it. You have charisma. I didn't really get the Boeing 757 joke. It's just...

9-Eleven was an inside dog job. I really like saying that. Okay. What do you like to do for fun, Hunter? You seem like a guy that has some real hobbies. I just do this and I rock climb, that's it. You climb rocks? I climb rocks, yeah, boulder, urban bouldering.

There's a gym, there's like several gyms. Anybody boulder? All right, I'm fucking weirdo, I guess. You guys know? Okay, I like it. What scares you? What are your biggest fears? Do you have any weird fears? Are you afraid of anything?

Cancer. Every single time I have a burp, or get any kind of indigestion, it's like straight where my mind goes. I'm sort of with you on that. 100%. I've been dealing with... Not enough to stop smoking spliffs or anything like that.

Ever since I had the coronavirus back in December, the lingering symptom which I had sometimes before, but now I have it almost every night is night sweats. I guess, I mean, I had it, I was asymptomatic.

I don't know, I figured maybe it was a sweaty dude. That normally happens, though, if you drink a lot of alcohol. I do drink a lot of alcohol at night, so that's probably where it ends. What kind of alcohol do you like to drink? Whiskey and coax. You ever try

number one tequila? Fixed high-alcohol vodka? No. Are you offering me some? You should. Yeah, absolutely. Right after this, yeah. Where do you do your stand-up?

You've been doing it for years. I moved here in August. I started doing it in the Bay Area. Like Oakland, San Francisco. Is that where you lived there for a while? Since like 2011, and then I just took advantage of COVID to become remote for my work,

and I moved here permanently. When did you move here exactly? August. We actually met on New Year's Eve. Oh, I do remember you. That was so cool. You offered me mushrooms. I did offer you mushrooms. Yeah, I remember you now. He was sitting underneath a table,

and he really was. And he's like, hey, man, if you want some mushrooms, I'm like, I'm actually good right now. I was getting pretty lit. It was a long drive. It was like 40 minutes north of here or something, right? Fredericksburg. It was the barrel and amp show. That was Fredericksburg?

Yeah, the barrels and amp show. Georgetown, yeah. They sound the same to me. I was just in Fredericksburg for the first time. My buddy Kyle took us to a ranch. I got to shoot guns, and I actually cut down used to chainsaw for the first time in my life.

Thank you very much. Grew four chest hairs that day. For those of you counting how many chest hairs Tony has, I'm up to nine. Wow, nine. I love it. You do mushrooms a lot? It was yesterday, not today though,

but I mean, I just forgot, you know? That's fun. That's fun, Hunter. What do you think about Hunter, Mr. Ron White? You know, I like it. It just needs a lot of stage time, but it looks like, you know, you've got something to say.

Are you going to stay here in Austin? Yes. All these guys just need a bunch of stage time. Just find a place to get on stage and stay on stage. And Austin's going to be a great place for that in the future. I don't know why everybody runs out there and wants to be the door guy at the comedy store

when the work is all in the Midwest. You can come out here and be an opening act. Do 10 shows a week. We're out there. You know, you do one show. So I think it's a good spot for you, man. I encourage you. Appreciate it. There you go. Absolutely. You've got it. You heard it from the man himself,

Ron. There it is, Hunter Stowe, everybody. S-T-O-E-H-R on social media. I don't know. What do you think? Should we go to the bucket one more time? Yeah! Guys, I don't know. That wasn't very convincing.

Should we go to the bucket one more time? There we go. There we go. Let's see what happens here. That is true. So many people want to be the door guy at the comedy store. And they really do.

Two minutes here, two minutes there. I like the funny bone in Columbus, Ohio, and get like five nights a week. It's crazy. Well, there's two schools of thought on it, right? It depends on their work ethic. Like, if your work ethic and your... It's just a different thing.

If you want to get better, I would say, if we're talking comedy science here, I would say if you want to get better at hanging, right? Networking. Looking for opportunities. If you want to study the art form more, if you're at the comedy store,

you can do that. If you yourself want to get better and get stage time, yes, being on the road could be good, but there could also be competition there. It goes both ways. I think every year it changes. And you can also get a lot of spots in LA.

But I agree with Ron. Right now, Austin's the place to be. Definitely over Columbus, Ohio. But a lot of people, yeah, it just depends on the person. It's weird. And when that person gets to the comedy store. Anyway, who knows?

Let's see what happens here. Your final comedian out of the bucket tonight is going to go by the name of Phillip Garcia. And then, yeah, and also, if you get stage time where you're from and then you go to the comedy store and become a door guy, then you sort of have, like, everything, right? No.

No, you skip the whole fucking door thing. You go out in the Midwest or middle and comedy clubs, doing a half hour a night, seven nights a fucking week, sharp in the blade till somebody gives a fuck in California, and you go out there and skip that whole goddamn door-dop thing. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.

All right, well, it's brainwashed. Yeah. I got a career from working the door of the comedy. Oh, it's Phillip Garcia, everybody. My dog just died, everybody. Yeah, every family dog that's ever died, we've made sure to bury in the backyard. Anyone else?

Yeah, I don't see a problem with that. Well, yeah, but we've been renters our entire lives. It's been leaving a slew of dead dogs in every house we've ever lived in. We're like a family of, like, three boys, too. So there's going to be, like, two goldfish, a turtle, and a Boston terrier in some backyard

in Austin, Texas. An archeologist is going to go by the name of Phillip Garcia. He's going to go by the name of Phillip Garcia. An archeologist is going to be digging that shit up and be like, what the fuck happened here? A Lone Star beer just came out with a 24-7 brew. It's 2.2% alcohol. So you can enjoy the shitty taste

of Lone Star all day now. What the fuck? I can't help but to wonder how many step kids are getting beat half as hard, though, you know? But twice as long are we solving anything? How much are water bills in trailer parks going through the fucking roof, you know? I don't know.

I don't know. Two birds on stone. I've been Phillip Garcia. I feel like that's, yeah, there we go. Wow. What a performance. Unbelievable. That was awesome. Perhaps one of my favorite sets that I've seen here in Austin, Texas.

That was incredible. Even D-Manus in the band agreeing. D-Manus said even he sees greatness in you, Phillip. Thank you. Incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up three years about like two weeks ago, too.

You hit your three year mark two weeks ago. Three years, yeah. Actually, last time I was on, you told me to break up with my girlfriend of three years because love wasn't real. I was 23. Is this true? How long ago was that? I was in Dallas. We were in Dallas, Highness. This was like three years ago?

No, this was a year ago. Okay. You told me, you asked me how hot she was and I said eight out of ten. When we broke up, she's like, I couldn't believe you would rate women on a numerical scale. She told her, I was like, that's kind of bringing you down to a six right now. So, then you told me to write more

and I have been. So, I've been on my shit for you. Wow. Look at you. How did it go a year ago? I'm sorry, but like those Dallas shows get crazy. Sometimes I can't remember everybody. Like three in a week and it's pretty jam-packed. You get lucky. But yeah.

That one went great, too. I did a Amber Alert bit, which is I've never seen a car newer than 2010. I think you like that one, too. Yeah. You've ever seen a really old veteran with a really old Asian woman? I wondered if he took her. That's what...

You got fucking jokes, bro. Thank you. This is usually how this show starts is with people doing jokes. Very rarely is it at the very, very end do we have someone out of the bucket that actually did something other than figure out how to get their piece

of paper larger than other people. Very awesome, Phillip. Well, she said that I was on the bottom right of the first sheet and I saw that big ass fat form. I was like, maybe this bitch is up to something right now. You know what I mean? Really? You really saw that? That's so cool. Yeah. We're upstairs watching, so we're having a good time.

That is awesome, man. So, Phillip, what do you do for work? Man, I used to do comedy. It was just... I was living at my mom's and I was attainable. Now I'm doing pest control because the pandemic I hate digging through that shit, but I'm just getting out every night and still trying to go up

and do my thing. At least it's a day job, so you can get out at night. Pest control seems like one of those things that I just simply, no matter what, and I bust tables and bag groceries. I did fucking every miserable job when I was growing up

and... but pest control seems like one of those things that must be rough, huh? Smells fucking disgusting. Yeah, you just have to go to the most disgusting people's houses. Yeah, and they wonder why they have bugs. I'm like, it's because you keep having watermelons and leaving them around the house's decoration.

Like, this is this is bug Hawaii. Like, other bugs are saving up to come here with their families, lady. I don't know what to fucking tell these people, you know? Holy shit. Do you have a horror story? Do you have something that's just completely out of control? What's the worst pest thing? Any bed bugs.

Like, any bed bug story is like, I go home and I tell my girl from like, hey, let's just burn these in the chimney at night and not have to worry about it. That's why I was really impressed by the beatboxer, but then his name was bed bug and I was like, ah, sorry, dude. I'll tell other people to listen, but I just can't because

of flashbacks. It was Ben Buck. It was Ben Buck. I'm back in. Fuck yeah. You're just having flashbacks to bed bugs over here. Yeah, I can't believe. Man, Ron White, dude. I'm sorry, man. I grew up listening to blue-collar

comedy tours, like the first digestible comedy I listened to, which is sorry. Well, I feel like a loser listening. Well, watch this. Watch what he's about to say to you right now. Incredible. What do you think about that performance, Ron? Yeah. How old are you? I'm 24. 24. I didn't start doing stand-up until I was 29.

So your light years are where I was at 24 when I was just smoking pot, watching cartoons. So I would encourage you to go with this full blast, man. You got really good punchlines and it's really interesting. You made the three of us laugh out loud and that's not the easiest thing in the world to do.

So congratulations for that. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. And Phillip, I don't think I've ever done this before, but I would also love to have you on the Thursday show if you can do it at Vulcan. Of course. Yes. Thank you. And you know what? I'm actually doing

a Tony Hingecliffe and his current friends on April 17th at Vulcan. You're going to be in town April 17th? I can be from Dallas for sure. Would you do a spot on my show as well? 100%. I'd love that. Awesome. I think you'll do a spot there as well. Thank you. And also, I'm doing ACL

live in December and I just want you to know I was doing it. It's no big deal. I just... I love it. Phillip, have you been signing up every week for this show? This is actually the first we got came down to Austin to get on. Oh, you live

in Dallas? I live in Fort Worth, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Y'all are all from Fort Worth? No? Okay. Wrong go. All right. Well, how about you come back in a month, you let me know, message me on something, tell me that

I... get my attention, say you promised me or something like that and instead of just signing up, we'll give you an automatic minute. I'd love to see another minute. Every single joke you do kills. Thank you. I appreciate it. So let's just do it. That's basically everything that we could give you.

Got you. It was April 2nd and April 17th, right? Yep. It's Thursday, eight o'clock, Vulcan. Got you. This guy just got three gigs from doing one appearance on Kill Tony. Come on, make some noise for Phillip Garcia, everybody, huh? Man.

That's what happens. That's what happens if you do fucking jokes on a show about jokes. Things can happen for you. We like people that do good at comedy, believe it or not. All right. Even his comebacks. Even him just talking

back fucking killed. Jokes. Quickfire jokes. Phillip Garcia is on social media at Phillip with two L's. Phillip G414. All one word. Follow that guy. 24 years old. I guarantee you, he's going to be big.

He already is. All right. This is the final comedian of the night, ladies and gentlemen. You want one more special treat, huh? This guy. A regular on the show. Now lives here in Austin, Texas. High level black

belt, second city master improviser. Once he got diagnosed with ALS became a stand up comedian, knocked it off his bucket list. We fell in love with him, made him a regular immediately. Now he has the tough task of writing and performing

a brand new minute every single week on this show. Everybody else you saw tonight has been preparing for months and this and that. This guy has to do it every week. And he does it every week. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great, the powerful Michael Lairer, everyone.

Here we go. This is how you close the show here in Austin, Texas. Thunder and lightning. Guys, make some fucking noise for Michael Lairer.

Save my head. So I can tie you a month soon as you leave. Here

I may I see me not so many places.

I told me this morning the interview. Okay, Michael Lairer everybody. All right.

For those of you that missed last week, we found out that Michael Lairer has been on a three-week cocaine bender and it appears as though the effects are really starting to show. Michael, what's up? I'm

dying quickly in the town that was in any other town I've ever been in.

He's dying quickly in a town that's the most ratchet than any other town he's ever lived in. Right. That's right. Right, like I live a corner mile away

from this venue and I try to take my hand and it was Indiana Jones

and the last cocaine. Okay, Michael. Wait, wait, wait. It was Indiana Jones in the last cocaine? Is that what he said? Yeah, he lives a quarter mile from here. He drove here in his wheelchair and it was like Indiana Jones in the last cocaine.

Wow. It's quite incredible. What's going on in that brain of his? Yeah. I'm losing the ability to use my arms

and I'm like I get up here every week and I give it my all but a lot of people

think that means I'm getting better when I'm not so fuck you all. There you go. Absolutely. There's a little button on that one right there, huh?

Yeah, ALS is a tremendous disease but just to let people know I don't force Michael to do this. He wants to do it. Are you wondering, he says that this is the highlight of his life and that he loves doing it every single week? No, we're past that.

When me, Tony and Redman were in Miami. When we went to Miami? Yeah. And on the last day after five

shows, I was burning out and Tony was like how are you? You sound worse than you do after the show. I'm like

give me that motherfucking microphone and he goes y'all, I can give it and I can take it and I don't

know and I'm getting sick enough where after KT500 I don't know how many shows I am left

but Austin I love you and you're right in this one and I've never been to a city so fucked I know and

it is true, your disease has progressed a thousand miles an hour since moving to Austin, Texas. You know, we're in the central multiple party districts

and I would like to call Mars on 16 the staff infection Some good fucking local

humor right there. But I'm having the time of my life too much honestly but don't make

that sad face oh, he's looking at his notes I thought he was looking down sad yo hey I know I feel you're in my

minute my life is a nightmare like no, I'm not fucking around anymore like I get family and friends who are like

oh, you're traveling you're doing these cool shows but 99% of my life is a fun man

and I don't know how much I've left to give me all but I will do it until I can do it anymore there you go, absolutely

absolutely but I would like to say this we're dealing with the vaccine shortage I crazy enough have soon

not got it but I make rules for people who soon not get the vaccine and I they want to reinstate

and if you ever a hamburger already free from the internet to line up with 200 people

the next thing for the hamburger you do not get the vaccine Michael ladies and gentlemen doing it doing it

can we improvise what? can we improvise you want to improvise something? what do you want to improvise? anyone with anything anyone with anything?

yes, my will have okay why would you improvise with me? you want to improvise with you Ron? sure awesome what's the scene? let's get a suggestion

from the audience here anything you guys want to travel to the moon? hey Ron really cool accommodations in the moon alright

yeah, I think it's one of the nicest air B&B's on the moon and I'm glad you could make it out here how'd you get up here today? why? I'm as surprised as you cause I have a 2.7

raining on air me and being I think every air B&B I have everything and now I've turned into a brothel

well you know I love brothels and I love rental units so I think you and I could do some business up here in the moon I think we could spread your brand up to the moon no dumb no Ron

tell this story one time I correct me if I'm wrong you're a legend but you served in the military correct?

yes I did and wasn't it through documentaries decades later that you realized that the boat downs

you were getting from lady boys I think about 150 men sucked my dick while I was in Hawaii if that's the story that you're getting to I think it was about 150 I don't know what the record is but I know that I was

I was right on up there Philippines this is a weird place you know I take my hand so I can lie about having cancer too

I'm just kidding I'm dying really fucking fine I don't know because I've actually watched your condition improve over the last 10 minutes so it's actually pretty wild I'm the only person tonight that I've watched get healthier as their set went on

so it's pretty ironic that you're the one dying Michael we absolutely fucking love you we're gonna end tonight's episode how about the improvisation talents of Michael Lair and Ron White MichaelLairComedy.com

for everything Michael Lair has got a bunch of really cool stuff there guys how loud can this place get for the great Ron White huh come on come on Tony Hisliff everybody thank you Ron thank you and make some noise for the band everybody the Fix Vodka

High Alkaline Vodka Band John Dees is on social media follow him at John Keys J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z Matt Mueling is at Mutation at M-U-E-H-T-A-T-I-O-N and Michael Gonzalez is at Mike Agon's 13

D-Madness ladies and gentlemen this week Thursday night at Sam 1 at Sam 1 Sam's Town Point ladies and gentlemen go see D-Madness play some music Michael

Michael and John Matt any gigs this week that you want to plug or anything check in with the great Ryan J-E-Belt see tonight's drawing with Ron White oh my god Ron check this out Ryan zoom in on that Ron part look how fucking cool this guy drew this during this episode

that's the guy that used to draw every episode in LA I look like Moses well I got bad news for you Ron you look like Moses Moses is a badass motherfucker though I love that picture yeah it's so cool all those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com

and that's another one how about one more time for Michael Lair over here he's he just gave you guys the flicker very slowly it hurts more when it's slow like that it's really like he does it like he says it fuck you

thank you guys so much for coming out every Monday has been absolutely insane thank you guys good night everybody you you you you you

you you you you you