KILL TONY - #503 - DERRIC POSTON

Episode Date: May 2, 2021

Deric Poston, Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson, Zac Bogus, David Lucas, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/05/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:—ROMAN ED – Anyone who’s dealt with erectile dysfunction knows how awkward it can be to talk about inperson. Luckily, there’s a simple, convenient solution to get the treatment you need, withoutleaving the couch.Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every podcast we do at Death Squad can be found on our website DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website ShopSquad.tv for everything merch. We have Death Squad hats and shirts and Kill Tony shirts. Go to ShopSquad.tv. If you want to find out anything about Tony Hinchcliff and his tour and his merch, you can go to TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist.

He draws every episode and you go to RyanJEbelt.com to get your books and prints. And if you want to see us live, you can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Not only do we have a show every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we are always on tour. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Austin, Texas at Antones for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliff. Fuck yeah, what's up everybody?

Are you guys excited for a big night or what, huh? Brian Red Band's here. Hey, everybody. We're at Kill Tony live from Antones. How about a big hand for the band, everyone, right? You guys hear that? John Dees on the keys, Matt Mueling on guitar, Daniel Watson. That was insane, man.

On the drums. That was so good. Filling in for Michael Gonzalez. Daniel Watson joining the crew tonight. You might recognize him as the drummer from the movie Get Out. Okay, just a little test to see where you guys are at tonight. How about a big hand for our bass player, D-Madness, everybody's here. Very exciting stuff, the band, powerful, things are wild, the state of union is strong.

The great Ryan J. E. Belt drawing tonight's episode from Los Angeles, California. He draws every episode, including the brand new Kill Tony 500. Do you see that poster? That was amazing. I got it framed in my place. How do you get it? Well, I asked for it immediately when he sent me the prototype. It doesn't have every past episode in it.

I think that's what it is. Yeah, I think it looks like it. There's a lot there. It's absolutely incredible. It's all available at ryanjabelt.com. He draws everything, including the new Kill Tony, the coloring book. How many of you by round of applause have the new Kill Tony coloring book, huh? Okie-dokie, really, really exciting to know that our merch is flying on the shelves, flying

on the shelves. Yeah. Exciting stuff. Fix Vodka, too, man, is here. Yes. How could I forget? This is the, of course, the official band of Fix Vodka, Alkaline Vodka. So less of a hangover, cleaner beverage, just an overall better buzz with Fix Vodka.

Right, John? Shit. Thank you. For those of you that don't know, that's all John knows how to say, he just says shit. Shit. Feels good in here. Are you guys excited for a fun show tonight, huh? Feels good.

Feels good. We have a couple extra tables that have been added, though. The pandemic is slowly weaning off of everybody's fearful, fearful antics, so we have more tables here at Antones. It feels good. Feels cozy. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made this show available for you tonight, right now.

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Double dog, Daria. Keep your dog and the dog balls separated. And we're back. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Fuck yeah. This is an exciting one tonight. You know, sometimes on this show, I pride myself on not only booking, you know, people that have been famous for decades and this and that, but also here on Kill Tony, I like

to think that we famously introduce you to monster comedians as guests on the show, not just out of the bucket, but as guests, you get to see the future always get promoted here. I feel like we were the one of the first podcasts to have like Tim Dillon on and preacher Lawson. Right. He was on here all the time. Monsters come from here. And this is one of the guys that has been rising through the ranks. This is his first time as a guest on Kill Tony.

But years ago, he was working the door at the comedy store, watching it got all the way up to paid regular at the comedy store. This guy is a monster. He's been absolutely shredding on shows here in Austin, Texas. He just moved here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guest, Derek Poston, everybody. Here we go. This is the future.

Hey, Derek Poston. Yes. It's a crystal ball episode because you're looking at the future right now in Derek. Derek, how are you? I'm good, bro. You're too good to me, dawg. He's so likable. Isn't he just adorable?

So likable. And just crushing it. You've been crushing it lately on their local shows. It's amazing. Thanks, man. I love it out here. This is this. Oh, my God.

You can do two spots in a night. I'm loving it out here. What's your favorite thing about Austin other than the fact that you can do live shows here? Oh, food. No questions asked. Food. Food, bro. Everything's good here.

Every single flavor, dawg, Mexican, Thai, barbecue, all that shit. It's like LA, except, you know, yeah, less gay people. A lot more cheese and butter. I love it. Derek, we're going to have so much fun tonight. I'm excited to pull names out of a bucket and meet new people. You guys might know how the show works. If I pull your name out of the bucket, if you signed up, a lot of comedians out on the

sidewalk and in a holding tank upstairs signed up. And if I pull their name out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this show. You know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry fashion district bear. Oh, my God. It's so annoying.

No one wants to hear that. So just do your time. Fashion district. I thought it was the warehouse district. I don't. I don't know. We're always so drugged up when we're there. I don't know.

Yeah. No one wants to admit that they know where the gay part of Austin is. It's a weird thing. Like I'll ask like where is it and then you just get 20 different answers like oh your mom's house made home. All right. D madness. You know where the gay bars are.

Come on. Where else do you get a pair of rainbow sunglasses like that? Oh shit. At least he thinks it was a wedding folks. I really could have been just okay. Oh shit. I can't wait till the D madness signs up one day. You think you'll ever sign up for the show D.

Absolutely. All right. Keeping us waiting. You guys ready to start tonight's show. Yes. Anything can happen. One week we pulled out a legitimate very legitimately homeless guy. I mean truly homeless.

It was actually incredible like somehow he just signed up. I guess he signs up for random things that have like sign up sheets. He had no idea what was happening. It was pretty crazy. So anything can happen. Isn't it isn't that fun thing to hear right before the show starts like hey homeless people could be performing for you tonight. Good thing you bought a ticket and came into a venue.

All right. Here we go. We'll start with a comedy stylings of Hans Kim. Hans Kim is the next first on kill Tony. Oh here we go. Hans is moving fast. This could be one of those cases where the comedian is out of breath immediately upon the start of their set.

He decided to sprint through the room. Here we go. Here's Hans Kim. Everyone. Hey. What's up guys. My name is Hans Kim. A lot of the ladies that I date like to call me a premature ejaculator which is ridiculous

because premature to who okay. I came right at the perfect time when I felt amazing takes maturity to not to please yourself. A lot of I'm an Asian man a lot of Asian women they act like they're better than Asian men because they're sexier than us but we look exactly the same okay why are you bragging. I could throw on a wig and be a seven relax. Braggingly you can fuck white dudes I can fuck white dudes. We can all fuck white dudes. A lot of people make fun of Asians because we like to eat dogs which I understand is

very shocking because in America dogs are treated like family members but in Asia we treat our family members like family members. Wow what a great set great start to the night. Hans Kim. Hell yeah even bows like an Asian man look at that is incredible hey fuck yeah welcome to the show Hans thank you Tony how long you've been doing stand up eight years fuck yeah man it really shows I love it. I love it when people with real comedy experience that are really good at this show sign up

because look what happens people get to fucking find you and you kill and it feels good right. Yeah it feels amazing. Hell yeah I watch this show all the time. I love it man are you born and raised in Austin. No I'm from Seattle and New York. Okay both of them which one first how long were you in New York. Three years. Okay and that's when you started stand up.

I started in Seattle for five and then moved to New York for my graduate program. Oh so Asian of you. What did you study in your graduate program. Open mics in Brooklyn and performing for comedians who are angry. How about for the school part. What did you study. Oh mechanical engineering in Georgia Tech. Wow my goodness do you use that degree for anything what do you do for work now.

I live in a van so I am unemployed and yeah I don't really do that. That's that's my old life. I love it. Wow so cool. I absolutely love this is so unasian to abandon your degree. What do your parents think about this choice that you've made there. They're trying to be like progressive Asians are like the new kind of you know the new Asian. I've seen the new I've seen the new line from Honda.

It's very very sleek progressive. You look so much like my girlfriend. I love it. I'm just imagining you with like long hair now you're like you're so right. Wow yeah you really painted the picture for red band. Heart is a rock right now. I love it. Derek what do you think about this guy.

That was a great set dog. Thank you. The tranny thing was the throw the wig on that was great. I like tranny porn so I was feeling you. You look good. Okay thank you. Who doesn't love tranny porn right. I mean I don't.

Anyway I do like tranny porn or transgender porn when it's like it's a girl with tits with a dick fucking a normal girl though. I've always I've always said that's straighter than a guy that looks like a guy banging a chick. Yeah all these homos out here watching dudes fucking chicks fuck that shit. I love it. What kind of what's your favorite kind of porn. What's what's your sneaky type of you seem like the kind of guy that would be into a you know like a step grandmother or something like that. He's definitely toilet porn right toy. No I'm into tickling man.

Oh the red band goes wild over here. My goodness. What are we talking about. Like what's your perfect sense. Like what's your favorite porn. Like what did that look like a guy just like his pillow explodes and feathers are everywhere. I don't really. I can't really get into tickle porn.

Yeah not really my thing at all. I'm into more like like not like whatever the opposite. You should watch tickle porn though like when somebody is really ticklish and they're like getting tickle tortured. And then they're getting fucked at the same time. It's like it's craziness. That sounds that sounds fake. No who can who can laugh and really get fucked at the same time. Like one of those things isn't working.

If you're really ticklish it works. Wow. Are you ticklish. Yes. Come over here. Oh red band finds out how ticklish you are. Just ignore the tickle stick in his pants. Hans what do you like to do for fun.

Do you have any Asian hobbies karaoke or collecting salt and pepper shakers perhaps. I'm into basketball. I like Starcraft to a real time strategy game. Keep going. No it's OK. Tell us more. I'm into watching a lot of podcasts. I'm into living in my van like finding a good place to go to the bathroom is pretty exciting.

Yeah. So that is a challenge. How long have you lived in the van for. About three years in New York and then here. How long have you been in Austin. About two weeks. OK. Cool.

Where do you park it. By Zilker. Whoa. Zilker. Ladybird. There you go. Are you here for good now. Until I you know it's like I'm so transitory it's hard to say but yeah I mean several months.

I love Austin so I'm trying to stay here because it's like popping off. I have a show Wednesday at a walking gas company. I'd love to have you on. Thank you very much. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. He just booked a spot on a real show.

Hell yeah. What a way to start the night. What are you going to do after this. What are you going to do to celebrate. I'm going to go upstairs and be like mother fuckers you know. Look at that. Strap my stuff a bit and then go to the blind pig for another open mic. There you go.

Oh yeah. All right. Absolutely. You did it man. That's exactly how it's done. You come in you do jokes. My favorite part was when you said I'm an Asian man. You know you said that at some point.

Those words came out of your mouth in that order. I'm an Asian man. Everyone was like ooh. I know. I was like look at this nigga before you said that. I was like look at this strong black man. He's got a spot on Wednesday. DJ you found him here.

Ladies and gentlemen one more time for Hans Kim everybody. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait stop stop stop stop. Why is your Twitter hold on hold on wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. Why is your Twitter handle DJ Hans Kim. Are you a DJ. No I just thought it was funny like you know. Like who it's like the same thing DJ comedian.

You're right. It works. It was DJ Hans Kim on Twitter and probably Instagram too. Hans Kim. It's great. I was going to say very rarely do you see an Asian DJ. Oh look who's back. Hey look who's back everybody from the yellow rose and red rose the two best strip clubs

in Austin Texas. She's back. The greatest had ever. Titty 69 fuck it. The red rose very very very famous in town. How many of you have been to the yellow rose or red rose by round of applause. Some very happy people there. Look it's everybody.

I mean I wish there were I wish as many people bought our fucking coloring book. Instead of out there at strip clubs. I forgot to pull a name. Let's pull another name out see what happens here. Make some noise for Dean Stanfield. Here we go Dean Stanfield is coming to the stage Dean Stanfield. You guys understand the show you haven't any fun yet. How many you think the next comedian is going to do great.

Wow. How many you think the next comedian is going to bomb. Wow. All right. Anything that happens. Oh you're wrong. Oh shit. Here he is Dean Stanfield.

You want to hear a hot take about a chicken restaurant for the mullet man. I love chicken restaurants man. They're my favorite. A little Popeyes does not give any bullshit at the Popeyes right. You go in you get your shit you get out right. That's what I love about it. If I want a good Christian conversation I go down there and put the pickle juice on the chicken down there at the Chick-fil-A right.

But this is Popeyes right. So yell at me through the microphone and put the butter on the chicken. That's how I feel about that. Love churches chicken. It's the best place to go if you want to have a black lady call you baby. We'll do it right there at the counter. Show up can I get you anything baby. No that's it.

Just needed some serotonin in my life. Or bushes chicken. It's a Texas staple guys right. It's the best place in Texas to get some chicken right. I love it because they treat you like family right. They treat you like family. I rolled up the other day and they were like hey how's your mom and them. I was like how do you know my mother.

They're like we make sure we know all the bushes in the area if you know what I'm talking about huh. I was like you motherfucker you better put an extra chicken wing in that basket for that comment about my mother. Absolutely there it is Dean Stanfield. I try my best with chicken restaurants. Got an extra five seconds there. You've been on this show before right.

No no no no no. Wow. We've done a couple shows together. We did. You came to my. Oh the New Year's Eve show. Yeah the New Year's Eve show and then we did Shakespeare's together. Okay.

Absolutely. It's all coming back to me now. Look at you. Shaved it off. I used to have a mustache that's why. I love it. Absolutely. Look at you now.

Like if Theo Vaughn had crossed Bert Kreischer. Fred Riker. Absolutely. You have a fucking the body of a retired pro wrestler. I'll take it. I'll take it. You were on steroids? No I said they had a lot of steroids in their past.

Okay. I guess they were ripped. Okay. What's your story Dean? You look like you could be anywhere between the age of 17 and 75. I keep guessing baby. I keep guessing. 27 years old man.

27 years old. You're a real Texas boy right? Yes sir. Born in Alpine Texas and moved to Florence Texas when I was three and then South Texas when I was in sophomore and high school and I finished up high school there and moved back here six years ago. All those places sound like they're at least an hour away from here. Texas is pretty big man.

They're all like eight, nine hour drives from each other. So what have you been doing your whole life? You drive like a lawn mower or something? So I built power lines for nine years and then I started doing stand up comedy three years ago and then just quit my job in January to do stand up comedy. Okay. You quit your job. Absolutely.

Hell yeah. Chase the dream baby. You're not an Asian guy yet? Not yet. Not yet. I got a little money saved up. I think give me two years in and then we'll figure out where it goes from there. Heck yeah.

That's awesome. You live by yourself? No. I got roommates. We got a house in Georgetown. Okay. Right up there next to the show. How many roommates you got?

One roommate and his girlfriend. She's living there now so. That sucks. Yeah I know. You ever like try to sniff her toilet when she goes to the bathroom or anything like that? Jesus. Oh man. Red band.

Just forcing a toilet sniff. Is it just you and the girl in the house? No it's me and my roommate and then his girlfriend. Oh got you. You, your roommate and his girlfriend. Is there a lovely lady in the life of Dean Stanfield? You get yourself someone to. No I've been talking to somebody for like two months.

Not an official. You guys hang out, brush each other's hair or something like that? Yeah. It's very sexual. Have you always had that hair or was that something new? I've had it for a year and a half. Did I? Sorry.

Okay. You had it for a year and a half. What made you want to do that? I don't know man. Growing up I always, my dad never let me grew my hair out. Texas you know very straightforward. You got to keep a cut hair and so. It seems like that's the one wild haircut that a Texas father in the suburbs would allow.

Yeah right. Well we didn't grow up in a suburb. I surprisingly grew up in a trailer park. You can only grow your hair out if you fucking trim the front and the top. Oh Marine style. No he didn't. I think he didn't want like the staple like I don't look at that redneck. Right.

White trash. So when I grew up I exactly what I did. You do exactly what your parents don't want you to do so. Right. Wow. I just pictured him without the mullet and he does. He seems like a whole different guy. No seriously like Alex Jones or Fred Riker.

Look at that. That looks super crazy right? Look at that. It's like some type of magic mic or something like that. When he puts that mullet. I went from old WWE wrestler to magic mic. Yeah. About six inches of hair.

Yes you did. You son of a bitch. What does that shirt say? Wrangler. Yeah that is interesting. A real Wrangler brand shirt. The jeans were Wrangler as well? Jeans are cinch.

Okay. I don't really know. Cinch wide labels if anybody wants to see it. And a real authentic Native American belt. Yeah did you see that? Did you take that? True Texas stoke. Yeah stoke.

I mean yeah. I go with the Texas vibe. Wow look at that chewing tobacco in the back pocket. Absolutely incredible. What's your flavor? What's your flavor? They're like a Texas Build-A-Bear or something like that. You said you worked in power lines for a long time.

Any crazy stories like a friend get electrocuted? Oh yeah I watched a guy blow up like five feet from me. He went to reach in the junction box where the 7200 to 1400 power lines come in and out. And he reached in there without his glove to grab something and blew himself like 15 feet back. He had to call the ambulance. Yeah it messed him up pretty bad. Damn. He's alive?

Yeah he's still alive. He's still building power lines too. Wow. Bad motherfucker. Hell yeah. Or just a real one-trick pony. That's really a bad ball you can do. That's got nine lines.

He's got eight lift. Hell yeah. See what he does with it. You've never had any close calls? I've been electrocuted like with 120-240 before but I've never had any. Oh yeah I know exactly. Not at all. He's totally at a dad growing up.

You pee your pants but you figure it out. Okay. All right. So that was it. Derek what are your thoughts on Dean Stanfield? Look at this guy. Can you believe this? I can't.

I was confused. When you came out you were like chicken a lot. Chicken a lot. It's like where is this motherfucker from? Why are you talking like? You keep going back from talking normal to me. It's like what? It comes out.

I try to like fight it back and then it keeps coming out. What is it? It's an occasion? I mean most of my family is from Louisiana. I'm like I hear that case and I'm like what is going on? And then most of it's West Texas, South Texas. I mean it's just a, it's my accent. It's my vibe.

Wow. Theo is also from Louisiana. They might, this might be like you might actually literally be related. Pretty good chances. They're like Theo Bon Bon. Theo Bon Bon. Is that a food Bon Bon? Bon Bon.

That is right. There you go. It's because you're a little chubby. Bon rhymes with Bon. Yeah. And you just say it twice. Okie dokie. Is there anything crazy about your life that we should know about?

You seem like a guy that has some real fun facts about him. You have like a sister that's missing an arm or something. I'm missing a pinky. I got my pinky chopped off when I was 18. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Wait is that a nail?

It smells a little bit. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Look at that fucking dinosaur claw you have there. Wait not around here. We want to see. It was, it got chopped off in an offshore old rig. This guy's got a fucking talent over here.

Oh, show the band. The band wants to see. It still has a nail on it too. Yeah, I saw it. It's fucked up. Can you imagine that? You got, you. I saw D-Madness throw up in his mouth a little bit at that.

That's impressive. That's how disgusting that pinky is. Other than that, I was, I rode bulls right outside of high school, in high school, and then right outside of high school. And then that's about it, man. I mean, I like guns. You've ridden a lot of bulls. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So. That's cool. Anything crazy ever happened out there riding bulls? I mean, I got, I got, I got some bad wrecks. I think one was like sticks out of my mind right outside of the shoots, the bull turned like two times and then threw me over the front of him and then tore my vest open and I was stuck on the front of him and he was like waving to get me off.

And then he threw me like 20 feet against the gate and then the clowns got him and they pulled me out of there. Oh yeah. You ever done any, you ever done any clowning? We would clown for like practices and stuff for, for guys, but nothing, nothing in big rodeos. I was more focused on not getting hurt. Right.

Absolutely. And those dudes live on like cocaine and Red Bull. So. Is that true? Which is fun. Yeah, I don't know why. It's crazy. Cheers.

Oh, Red Bull. I thought you were doing bumps of cocaine. I love it. Well, Dean, fun times man. Sign up again. Come back again soon and we'll find out more about you. There goes Dean Stanfield everybody. He's on Instagram at Dean a Stanfield.

He just fist bumped you with that creepy ass pinkie. Disgusting. Ben Bosonga is going to be next. Oh, Ben Bosonga is next. Kaley's back. In the meanwhile, I've got another hand for Kaley. Everybody. Hell yeah.

Fun fact about the Red Rose. They celebrate their one year anniversary Thursday, April 29th. South Congress. Can I sniff that bottle? Austin's first teak boutique adult nightclub. Complimentary limo seven days a week. And they have a world famous cheeseburger. The Kaley works at the Yellow Rose and Austin legend for 45 years.

Go to RedRoseAustin.com or YellowRose.com. All right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian. Make some noise for Ben Bosonga, everyone. Anybody coming? Ben Bosonga. No. Okay.

Hold on. Hold on one second. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Nobody's coming because I called it before and after. Sometimes people are in the bathroom. They missed their spot.

But we'll just keep it moving. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian. This is a very interesting name. Make some noise for Maximilian Mantikov. Wow. This is going to be interesting. You don't really get your everyday guy, Maximilian Mantikov. This guy's definitely going to be here.

Maximilians don't miss their opportunity for anything. Here he comes. Maximilian Mantikov. Here he is. All right, everybody. Make some noise for Maximilian. Let's see what happens here. What's up?

My name's Maximilian. I grew up popular. Anyone else? Just me. A bunch of losers. That's cool. I grew up popular. My sister was obese.

She's not anymore. So we could talk about it. She was fat, right? And when we got to high school, I wanted to include her in everything. We're only a year apart. So we would go to parties, right? And people were like, hey, Todd, I'd fuck your sister. Mark, I'd fuck your sister.

And I was like, well, who's fucking mine? Nobody? I was like, I'll do it. I'm a family man. I'm just saying. Just kidding, guys. I was popular. She was fat.

I'm not fucking up my reputation. That's it. We're good. We're good. We're good. We're good. We're good. You have 20 more seconds if you want it.

What? You have 20 more seconds if you want it. 20 seconds. Now it's 15. Oh. Yeah. We'll just leave it there. I'm popular, guys.

OK. There you go. Closing out hard at 34 seconds, everybody. Maximilian Manticoff. I love it. Welcome. Welcome, Maximilian. There's a minute.

How's it going, bud? Good, man. Good. How long have you been on stand up? Four years. Four years? Yeah. That's fun.

How old are you? 25. OK. And you're born and raised here in Austin? New York City. Went to San Diego. Went to San Diego for a little bit. And then went back to New York.

And now I'm just visiting. Sweet. Yeah. Absolutely. And is that true? You've always, you were always, oh, look at that. People just want to, people just want to hang out with Derek, I guess. You want to hear something crazy?

This man gave me a couch to sleep on when I was a stranger to him. Really? That's how I met him. Met this man at the comedy store. He was like, oh, where are you sleeping? I was like, in my car. I was in a couple of spots in L.A. And he was like, no, you're not sleeping in my house.

I was like, get the fuck out of here, dude. So I got a lot of love for this man. He said in the name, I was like, oh, shit. Did you take pictures of his feet or something? Why would you do that to a stranger? He had a lot of beautiful hair. Everyone knows Derek forces his guests to give them a hard left handed hand job. And that's why he also has an NDA though.

That's why Maximilian's still wearing the brace after all this time. Even the old dry rub, you know what I mean? The old fucking. It was wet actually. He told me to spit on my hands. Oh, okay. I said none of these. All right.

Well, there you go. No, we believe it. These are no jokes, Derek. We are accusing you of forcing this man to give you a hand job. What was it like staying at Derek's place? We all want to know. I've thought about it myself. It was good, man.

He had an Indian dude that was half balding. That was cool. His girlfriend's really sweet. Jeffrey Baldinger. No. No. Or not Baldinger. It's not a mod, but also balding.

Oh, that's right. But they're really sweet. The whole house, they're super sweet. Like I said, complete strangers. And I was like, should I sleep on their couch? So cool. Derek, what made you trust this guy to sleep at your place? You know what I do remember, bro?

Is you had cocaine energy, but it wasn't bad. It was like, it was like, you were just like up. And I was like, look how excited this motherfucker is, man. You just were so excited to be at the store. And then you came over and just, you were talking about comedy. I just liked your vibe. So you were hoping that he had cocaine. And it turns out he didn't.

It's like, man, I took a chance. Yeah. If somebody has cocaine energy, I'm like, that's the last person to invite him to my house. He was just up, man. However, most people that I know that do a lot of cocaine do talk about how popular they were back in school. I've actually never done cocaine.

Really? Ever in my life, not once. Oh my goodness. Nothing but weed. Okay. Started off right now. I love it. Take health advice from Dr. Redban over here.

So what do you do for fun, Maximilian? What do you play with? Just this. Full time. I'm unemployed, but I tell people I do this. Other than stand-up comedy, what's something else about you? I train Muay Thai. Okay.

As well, yeah. Is that what happened to your wrist? No, I was snowboarding, but I just like to be outdoors, do kind of shit that puts me in danger. Is there any chance I could convince you to throw the mic in the mic stand and show us a little bit of Muay Thai? Just some improvise. Anyone trying to fight?

No, no, no. Don't fight anybody. Just do some air, some air Muay Thai. How many of you want to see this guy do some air Muay Thai, huh? Dude, let's do some air Thai chi. Let's get a little... Whatever you want to do. Sure.

Don't explain it too much. Just fucking give the people a show. Here he is showing you some air something. Maximilian Manticop. Wow. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can you do anything? There's no one in front of me.

I told you. Can you just pretend like someone's in front of you and they're trying to attack you like the speed that you would go at? Because unless you're fighting the Golden Girls, I don't think you can go at that speed. D-Madness would have beat the shit out of you if you did that to him in a street fight.

Got him up here. I know he's blind, but he's got a... No, no, no. Maximilian. No, no, no. All right. What else? Other than Muay...

Hey, yeah. D-Madness will hit you so hard his glasses will fly off. Maximilian, tell us something else interesting about you, about your family or your life or something like that. I run with the Bulls every year in Spain since 2017. Whoa, that's so cool. This is a Bull episode. I've been doing that every year since 2017.

This is a very Bull heavy episode. Yep. All right. Kind of a wild experience. You go there all by yourself? Yeah. A couple of times I've gone there. You always meet people on the street.

Everyone's drinking. It's a fun time. That's so cool. But for the most part, you just run by yourself. If you don't run with anyone, it's kind of weird. Because once you're alive, you're like, you're just on the street. It's a weird feeling.

You're like, I'm alive. I'm just here. Yeah. That's how I felt during all the Black Lives Matter marches. I remember I was hokey-dokey. You were not ready to laugh at that yet. All right. Good job, guys.

Hokey-dokey. Good job. I was just getting run off the street, and I was all by myself and scared. But I guess it's not funny yet. Thank you, Jeremiah. It's like, that joke. A few more months to marinate.

And when I do it, you'll be there. You'll see. I tell you, my running with the Bulls Black Lives Matter. That's fun, Maxim. You never got hurt by any of the Bulls, though. No, never. No, I've seen people get destroyed, though. Trampled.

Yeah. And like, thank God, I never got hit. I got hit with a couple of elbows. The people are more dangerous because everyone's shoulder to shoulder. So you're running with everyone. Everyone's trying to get out the way. I thought the Bulls hit you with their elbows for a second.

Very impressive. But I've seen the way you do Muay Thai. I'm dangerous. I'm actually not surprised of a Bull. He was actually able to hit you with its elbow. Just slowed up himself and fucking got you back. Maximilian, you have a girlfriend? You seem like you would do pretty good with the ladies.

How long have you been with your girlfriend for? About a year. Okay. Where did you meet her at? I met her in San Diego. I had a show, actually. She came through a show. Oh.

She watched me bomb and she was like, oh, I love it. That's it. Very honest with me. She came up to me after the show. She was like, you were terrible. She was like, but you're cute. I was like, ah. Oh, shit.

Military girl? Huh? No, no. She's a doctor, actually. Wow. So I was like, oh, I got a cash in on this right now. Really? She loves it when you bomb?

That's perfect. Well, I mean, it's not a regular thing, but she saw me eat it. And I was like, well, I guess we're doing it. Did she ever see you do good? And she's like, not tonight, babe. It's not the man I fell in love with. She's like, give yourself Indian burns and shit. I only like to fuck people that suck.

I think I'm the only comedian she's fucked. So I was like, I guess she just likes you. If you think you stink, you know what I mean? Hell yeah, dude. She's gotten beat up from the feet up. Am I right? Derek told me earlier that. Remember, I know.

That's why that's why Derek let you sleep on the couch that he knew where you were. He was fucking your girlfriend. I'm just kidding, Maximilian. No one's fucked your girlfriend. No one. Nobody ever. She was a virgin before you. A virgin doctor.

That's right. Yeah. No one's done. Yeah. She fucks guys the bomb, but totally didn't fuck anybody before you. I love it. Maximilian so much fun. Such a cool name.

What ethnicity are you? Argentinian, Hispanic. Awesome. So cool. Such a swab swab guy. Appreciate it. There he is. He's popular when he was high school.

He's popular again right here. Maximilian Mantecoff with 36. Thank you. Thunder and lightning. There it goes. Everybody gets the handshake from Derek. The customary Derek handshake. He got really upset when we brought up the like his girl didn't fuck anyone else.

Have you noticed that? No. He kind of got really quiet. No, he was cool. He was okay. Maybe he just has a vivid imagination and was picturing or getting really just plowed up against a wall or something like that. You know what I mean?

Yeah, plowed against a wall. Okay. This name looks familiar. Maybe we've met this person before. Let's put another hand for Kaylee up here. Sanitizing microphones. Our friends over. You can find her.

You can watch her work at the Yellow Rose. Red Rose. Red Rose. The Red Rose. That's right. The Yellow Rose is the legendary 45 year club. The Red Rose, the new club, both in the same family. There goes Kaylee, everybody.

There she goes. The Yellow Rose. Red Rose. Red Rose. Full nude. Leo Kanopka is next on Kill Tony. Is it really fully nude? Texas bars don't fuck around.

You can drink and full nude, which is like unheard of at most clubs. Wow. Yes. That's right. There you go. There's a USA chant. Leo Kanopka is next. Is Leo coming?

Leo Kanopka? Leo Kanopka. There he comes. Here he comes, everybody. This is very exciting. One more time for Leo Kanopka. Here we go. What the fuck is up, Anto?

It's how you feeling? Who else is drinking on a Monday? Yes. Yes. I just moved here. You guys don't give a fuck about COVID. You don't care at all. I've been offered cocaine so many times.

I knew you guys couldn't smell before the pandemic. Yeah. And I stopped caring too. I walked to a bar. This dude burped right to my face. I was like, yeah, I'll take a lone star daddy. Do this. Yeah.

Sick. I single-handedly blamed Joe Rogan for the homeless issues here. They migrated to here because of him. I know they're fans because they all intermittent fast. Sick. Fuck yeah. I stopped watching porn recently. I knew it became a problem when I was out on a date with somebody and she choked on

a mozzarella stick and I got aroused. You want to finish it? Yeah. She went, I'm like, that a girl. She went, I was like, here's a little bit of marinara sauce. She went, I pulled her hair while giving her the Heimlich maneuver. So it was good times. Thank you guys.

There you go. Leo Kanopka. Absolutely. You were just on the show, right? Look at that. That's a classic Derek handshake. This is unheard of. I sell him weed.

So it's all good. Oh, wow. It's a little overpriced, but it's good. Look at that. Look at you with the white pot dealer. My how the times have changed. Huh? Goodness.

Wow. Incredible. Derek's lived here one week and you already positioned yourself as his pot dealer. So I'm from Baltimore and he actually came to an open mic I hosted in Baltimore. He was there to visit with his girlfriend's family and shit. Okay. They invite you to his parents' house. Yeah.

To sleep on the couch. No. You take pictures of your feet. No. Okay. Do you keep anything? Square up to the audience so they could see you. Do you keep anything in that pocket on your chest there, Leo?

Just my titty, dude. Okay. All right. I'm always curious to see perhaps a mint or something like that. Nothing. No. So Leo, you were just on the show recently, right? Last week.

What did we find out? What was the highlight of that? My ex-girlfriend's a stripper and she was sending me $200 a week to survive out here because she thinks I'm funny. That's right. But she stopped and not only am I selling weed, I'm also selling mushrooms allegedly. Wow. Yeah.

Okay. Now they come on and implement it off when I move here too. So got to figure it out. Incredible. I swear to God I've met more mushroom dealers here in Austin. Then Los Angeles. Yeah. Right?

Times a million. Yeah. It's crazy. Like everybody's a mushroom dealer. Yeah. About an ounce a week. So nothing crazy. An ounce a week.

Okay. What does that run? What is about an ounce run? What's the street market value? $40 per eighth. There's eight eighths and an ounce. Look at that. This is basically a live drug deal, everybody.

How exciting. What other podcast gives you this? $40 an eighth. Only. Only here on Kill Tony. This is a straight up mushroom auction. We got 40. 25.

I know what that is. Do you pick the mushrooms? Do you go to cow patty places? Is that how you get them? No. I have a buddy who grows them. He's very introverted. Oh, there you go.

Jesus. Wow. You got to be honest on here. You know what I mean? You are holding a mic and there's tons of... Hold on. We got John Dees. This amazes me how many people come on the show and just incriminate the fuck.

Yeah. Yeah. Seriously. Every week. Because you know there's two... Bro. There's two cops that are like off duty right now in the audience right now that are like hey, hopefully they're fine.

I'm a compulsive liar, guys. I'm a compulsive fucking liar. The off duty cops are enjoying themselves. Mushrooms are made off duty anyway. I heard. Anyway, come on. Come on now. Where's the owl?

The old man owl. That's a joke for your grandfathers. If you want to get them into the show. Off duty. It's a duty joke. Leo, tell us something about you that we didn't find out. Oh my goodness. Did I do a duty joke?

Uh-oh. I did it again. All right. I'll double down. I'm also on probation for a DUI. Oh my goodness. Wow. Oh shit.

I was drinking with Chris O'Connor and Shane Gillis out in fucking Megubis. Wow. Oh my goodness. Did they know you were drunk because of the names you just dropped? Shane Gillis. Come on. That's a big name around here. So how much did you drink?

Too much. Yeah, I know. How much? Enough to brown out. What's brown out? Brown out? Any alcoholics here? All right, cool.

Now it's when you black out a little bit and then come back and then you black out again. And then you come back again and then one more time. And then you end up home sometimes. Now you greened out once in Vancouver or Toronto. Yeah. Yeah, that's a real thing. I greened out at the same place that Doug Benson greened out. Yeah.

They're like, hey, you got to be careful here because if you smoke too much in this place because they had no exhaust fans, this old comedy club in Toronto, tiny, very low ceilings. And it was a dispensary in the back. But the front was, it's hard to describe, but all the smoke would stay trapped in. So I basically just didn't breathe oxygen for a couple hours. It was really just, I was smoking and inhaling secondhand smoke. And very unlike Tony, he walked outside and took off his shirt and just laid on the side. No, I sat up.

I didn't lay down. No, I didn't lay down. I remember very clearly sitting on that curb straight up sweating. I was sweating bullets and it was like freezing cold. It was fucking shitty Toronto. Anyway, but you browned out. You blacked out and then you came back. I heard once you go black, you never go.

All right, anyway. Hey, where's that? I've been hit with a poltergeist of a 100 year old man taking over my soul. So Leo, very, very interesting. You have a DUI. What else? What's your love life like? So I'm single and I've had some friends out here, so it's cool.

May I suggest putting a condom in that sleek front pocket of yours and letting the girls like the like the guy had the outline of the chewing tobacco. You could have an outline of a condom. The girls would be like this guy wants to safely fuck. Safe. No, actually the girl, the most recent girl I slept out with here has one of those like rings in the bus and like she like her. I hate those things.

Her fees. They pulled it out and showed me it and then put it back in and it was maneuvering. She has a removable one. Are they not supposed to do that? No. No. No, that checks a real dirt ball you're hanging out with. My God, she pulled it out and showed it to you like look at this.

This is what's going to stop me from getting pregnant tonight. She just throws it. She just fucking throws it back in there. Get back to where you belong. I just swallowed it. She even put it in there. That's what I just said. I fucked a girl once that had her clip pierced with like a look hoops and it was the worst

because you always felt like you were hurting everybody. It felt good. And one time a bubble came out of it. Shut the fuck. No, I swear. She was creamy that month, she said. Red Band. Red Band, you're out of control right now.

Wow. My goodness. So when's this chick with that Nuva ring? When's the baby coming? Listen, I love Leo. How long have you been on stand up? It'll be three years. April 17.

Three years. What did you think about Leo Derek? Any thoughts on this guy on this little bag of biscuits up here? Look at this little fucking tiny little young Babe Ruth. I like Leo's cool. He gave me a bunch of free mushrooms. Good set. I swear to God, Derek has lived here one week.

And somehow knows everybody from some other city. Well, once I was in Baltimore, the boy needed a place to stay. Leo, congratulations on getting up so many times in such a short period of time. And we'll see you again soon. There goes Leo Kanopka. He's on Instagram at leo.com.

Let's have some fun. You guys ready to, you guys want a special treat, huh? Jeez, obviously not. Yeah, John. Am I the only one that thought a brownout was like when people get drunk and like shit their pants? Oh, that's what I thought. Like, I didn't know that had a name either.

I didn't. I mean, I'm what would you call it? I'm learning a lot when you get so drunk that you shit yourself. I would call that a fucking time to make a doctor's appointment. That's serious. Is that a thing that happens? Yeah. When you die, you shit and piss yourself.

And sometimes when you pass out that same shit happens, your brain just goes, uh, we're done. Have you done it? No, I've never done it. I mean, but I've done it sober, but no. You're so gross. Ladies and gentlemen, here's a special treat for you. Kill Tony, regular ladies and gentlemen.

This guy famous for his incredible joke writing and roasting abilities. He's back from Los Angeles, California. Make some noise for the great and powerful David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. The legend killer, David Lucas. Yeah. Uh, thank you.

I don't date women with kids anymore. I had a bad experience. I spent the night in his one girl's house and woke up the next morning and her son wore my shit to school. That nigga was in the fourth grade. Like, why you wearing these big ass clothes, bro? This shit don't even fit you.

Flop it off of his ass. Uh, if men disappeared, I think that women would die off in two years. Honest to do. Because women don't agree on shit. Like, y'all bicker and fight all the time. The only thing y'all agree on is rape. Like, that's the only time women get along

is when they try to bring a nigga down. You know what I'm saying? Like, he touched me, he touched me too. That's the only time y'all fucking agree. Like, that's the reason you don't have women navy seals because they would argue about that shit. They'd argue about the stupidest shit. Like, does that bitch really have on my outfit?

Like, it's a uniform, you dumb hoe. Alright, thank y'all, thank you. There it is. That's how you do it. Brand new minute every single week, always. Yeah, what's up, dawgs? Back again, welcome back. I dig a toe with it.

Looking good this week, David. You got a whole new look, a new ball cap. You're not wearing camo tonight. You're just out there letting it all hang out. Yeah, man, I found a new big and tall store online. Yeah. Is that what it was? Yeah, that's what it was.

Well, you big, you got to get what can fit your ass. Is there, is there, they don't, they make them tall too. They don't just have your size. They got tall, if you six, seven, you know. Six, seven, long, wise, or height. You don't go to, you go to big and tall though, not big and fat. Oh, Tony, you. Shit, so you start.

Tony, you shop at genders or us. I'm not a ginger. You can't just call all white people genders. That's not how that works at all. No genders. Oh. Yeah, genders. Oh, I thought you said gin.

I thought you were calling me a redhead. Yeah, you shop, you shop where people who don't want to look like a man or a woman. That's what you shop back. They just want to be neutral. I was so offended that you called me a redhead for a second, but all these gauges, that goes to show you what we think of redheaded people on this show. He's been calling me gay for, I don't know, like two or three years, but he calls me redheaded once.

I'm like, how dare you? Unacceptable. What a nightmare. Right. What a nightmare. Lutely incredible. Yeah, you look fantastic. If the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters got roasted once and for all,

because someone tried to make a s'more out of the marshmallow man. This is like the end of Ghostbusters right now. I ain't seen the new Ghostbusters. I ain't seen that shit. Well, nobody's seen the new Ghostbusters. All female reboot of the Ghostbusters can go fucking anyway. So I love it. What you been up to?

What's been happening? What's been a couple of weeks since you've been on this show? Yeah, man. I had a killer show this past Sunday. Derrick Poston was on there, murdered that shit for 20 minutes, dawg. He did this thing. Yeah, Derrick's still on it right now. He's in the zone, stealing the show, getting it done,

shaking hands with every comedian that comes on, kill Tony. As he should. Absolutely. What else is going on? Shit, looking for, I found the area I'm going to move to. I think I found the apartment. Uh-oh. What area?

People can know which area to move out of. Lock your doors. The domain. Oh, you're going to live up there at a shopping center. Oh, I've been there. I'll have you pick up some Nespresso pods for me. Good sushi up there. Yeah, I'll be fucking with the domain heavy.

What do you do at the domain? Live? What do you mean? What do you do for fun at the domain? Why would you want to live there? Because they got restaurants. Oh. You're right.

You're right. I can go downstairs and go to a restaurant. Yeah. Oh, you want to live at the domain at the domain? I'm going to live at the domain of domain. Wow. Yeah. Look at you from doorman to domain.

What a turn of events. This guy's out here making it. My goodness. So when do you think it's going to happen? When's the big move going to happen? May. Okay. Yeah.

I'm going to sign at least May, dog. Yeah, yeah, dog. You just bought a new snake hole, Tony. Oh, a new what? Snake hole. Snake hole? That's what you live in. I live in.

That's suck. God damn. What the fuck? Snake hole. I thought it was some rich shit. I was like, damn, this thing ain't a snake hole. Damn, that was probably my worst rose joke ever. Yeah, that was pretty bad.

That was horrible. That was a rough one. God damn. And that shit out red, man. We're not really. This is good. The noise, like I said, faggot or some shit. I heard you live in.

Yeah, exactly. Do not air that shit. I love it. So you're in love with Austin, Texas. Tell us some of your favorite things that you do or that you like to, that you miss when you've been going home because you go home to LA for two weeks. It's yeah.

So then you come back. I go home for one week, you know, to take care of the kids. Then I come back for like nine days. So I'll be doing, I won't be, I probably won't stay as home as much. Like three, three days once I move here. When you leave the kids in LA, do you like leave them like a bunch of extra food and stuff?

Like just like, it's like a, it's like a cat when like a cat owner goes away for a while. You just leave like cheeseburgers. Five bowls. When I used to have a cat and I'll be gone for a week, I would leave six bowls of food and six things of water throughout the house. The cat, the cat was like, finally, I get to eat how daddy eats

all the time. Also, also real shit. It's, it's pretty simple. You just pick up your kids, play with them. Cause the baby mama's really only care about money. Right. They don't care if you see your kids or not. Right.

If a payment is a day late, the bitch blow up by phone up. Oh my goodness. Lord knows that phone must be blowing up. Wow. I love it. And the kids are good. I've met your daughter super, super sweet heart. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She wants to be a comedian. Yeah. She's going to be, she's going to be a big star. She's going to do whatever she wants. She's going to be funnier than me, bruh. She's already six or no.

She want to be a comedian. Unbelievable. Yeah, bruh. And then my young one's going to be an asshole. She's, she take out the house. She take out her mama, bruh. Right. Does she call you if you're ever a day late on the payments?

Like, so this, this is what, this is how this is how black baby mamas do shit. Right. They won't say I need some money. They'll be like, your daughter needs some money. Sure. Yeah. And my daughter's sick.

So my baby mama has coached her to FaceTime me. Like daddy, tell me some money. Like bitch, you don't know what Zell is. Right. She, she taught my daughter how to ask for a Zell. Oh my God. Is that a money transfer app? Yeah.

On a, yeah. The bank shit. Yeah. Derek, you know, David Lucas, you guys were just up until the global pandemic. You guys were co-workers. I know, bro. We were door guys, man. I think Derek was only there like two weeks.

Like he, when I started, I think you left like two weeks later. Yeah. Cause I was at like three and a half years, but right when you started, I think that shit was nice because they, you know how they do, they do one black guy at a time. Cause before me was Brian Simpson and it was like, all right, Brian's gone. Derek, you can work here now. They swapped niggers.

Yeah, they do. There was a point in 2007. I was the only black guy that worked there. Tony black and all of us. What was your first car crown Vic? It was a, uh, no, it was a cutlass supreme cutlass. You know what my first car was a fucking, uh, gas efficient Honda. Wow.

Derek, what was your first car? Honda literally. Exactly. Like I had responsible parents. I had a Renault alliance. A what? Exactly. Jesus Christ.

Where's that old timing car horn when you need it? That's that new right now. Alliance everybody. The best car with full wheels. I think it's German. I don't even know. All right, Tony, that's one of them cars. You had to go in the front and wind it up there.

Jump in. Right. Oh, come on down to the new dealership. Get yourself a Renault alliance. Enough to fit your whole family or one David Lucas. Wow. The band is killing it. Look at our version.

When red band got his car, black people weren't even allowed to drive. That's true. And no one stole any cars. It was great times. Holy shit. I'm tired. There's no GTA. All right.

Well, David, I'm so glad that you're back in town. We have a big week ahead of us. Oh God. A bunch of fun stuff's about to go down and I'm super excited about it. An absolute monster and proud of your incredible work every time on the show. There he goes. The great David Lucas. Everybody are kill Tony regular certified regular.

There's only seven or eight in the history of the show. That's a big one right there. All right. Fun times. Fun times. Oh, are we in for a special treat right now? So excited about this. This guy made his kill Tony debut on the show just a couple of weeks ago.

We all fell in love with him. He got booked on the death squad shows and other things immediately on the spot. He works the security here every single week at this show here at Anton. Oh shit. This guy very, very talented. Lots of energy. This is a special time. I'm excited to bring him up.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anton's his own Ben Buck everybody. He's the guy that let you in. He signs up. Here we go. Ben Buck already famous from just one appearance. He's doing away. Everybody loves them. Come on.

One more time for Ben Buck everybody. Check, check, check, check. Anton, how you feeling? Make some noise one time. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Shout out to the tour bus. Can I pick something? Yeah.

Cool. Clap your hands like. Let's go. Look, yeah, Ben Buck, absolutely incredible. Did it again. Who needs jokes when you have talent and energy? She. I love it, Ben.

Welcome back. How you doing? Doing good, man. Just on the clock. It's fun for you, right? Ben is the security guard here at Anton. So for those of you watching the podcast, we are easily penetrable. Yeah.

He's going to have a lot of fake noises of guns being loaded. Oh, shit. Wow, Ben, you're like, you're almost like a, like a young version of the cool black eye from police academy. Shout out Michael Winslow. He couldn't make it tonight. I love it. That guy's a monster.

Do you make, can you make other weird noises? Are there, is there any noise you can't make that's like a beat? That's the guy that smoked too many cigarettes. Oh yeah. Yeah. My name is Ben Buck. I've been smoking 16 cigarettes a day since I started working at Anton's nightclub. Wow.

They turned me down for Darth Vader. Oh, there you go. That's a diggery dude. It's a diggery dude. It's a diggery dude, not a diggery dude. We've had, I've had him on the secret show for the last two weeks. It's Ben. It's Ben Buck.

Who the fuck's Adam? No, I said I have. Oh, I thought you said Adam. And, and he's been doing so good that now he opens up all the secret shows. I have noticed though, when you're on, you're on stage, you, there's so many chances for you to mix comedy with what you do. And you have a few things that you do already. Are you constantly thinking of like comedy ideas for, you know, to mix your talents with?

Well, I'm usually used to like rap shows. I like to like mix a couple of crowd elements. You know, it's mostly like staples. You could do a killer knock knock joke. Yeah, yeah. You could do like knock knock. Fuck. Yeah, something like that.

I do take song requests. If anyone has a song they'd like to hear. Oh, I love this. You want to take a request, anybody in the audience. Oh shit. I heard Meow Mix. Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu. Piu.

Oh shit. I heard! Read Meow Mix. Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu, Piu. I love that. You're gonna say that. I love that. What an incredible, what an incredible talent.

I heard a rumor, Ben. And maybe I'm wrong about this. I heard a rumor that your father is a famous drummer. Is that true? Yeah. Fabulous Thunderbird. Shout out Jimmy Vaughn. My dad's a mic buck.

He's been playing here since like 1975, 76. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. Some people in the crowd recognize that. Incredible. Yeah. Is beatboxing one of those things that like you're like, dad, drums are cool, but this

is cooler. Like, would you guys like argue about stuff like that? Fuck you, dad. I don't want to beatbox. No. He's like, why don't you pick up sticks like a real man? Oh God, I can't do train time anymore, pops. I don't want to play the blues, dad.

Is your father a big supporter of your beatboxing? He is. At first he's like, oh shit. So, yeah. I love it. I was, I was running some errands this week and I went for my first time at Anton's, the record store. Right.

Do you know Anton's as a record store? Absolutely. Right there on the left. It's right. No, it's a different. There's that one. What's that? What is that?

Just Anton's record shop. We're up on West Campus, rather on like, you know, 28th Street, pop in sometime. Yeah, by all those. I work door there too. Even record stores need fucking door people these days. Yeah. That's what I was going to say is I went there and to my shock, the guy working security there, Ben Buck.

Wow. I broke right in. Stole 10 records. I walked right out. No big deal. Easy breezy. I got it. Makes you put on like hand sanitizer when you walk in and like rub it into your hands

and be there. Your dad was in the band. The fabulous Thunderbirds. I did not know that. It's pretty awesome. Incredible. Incredible. Wow.

Derek Post. And what do you think about this? I like you. Has it ever as beatbox and ever pulled you some pussy? Like, well, that's the reason the girl was like fuck. No, man. But you do have a girlfriend, right? Yes, I do.

Have you ever beatboxed or pussy? Like, why would you ask me last time, man? Fuck. There might be a thing there. Like vibrations or shit. No one wants that. No, like girls probably want that. No one wants that, man.

You try it next time. I will. I will do it tonight. Try it on the body pillow. That's actually how red band eats pussy. Yeah. Makes noises with his lips. Yeah.

Makes it wet and it vibrates better than a Hitachi. Like it's great. Wow. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. You'll try it. Feel free. I love it.

Well, Ben, you're so fine. You always bring a little jolt of creative youthful fun energy onto the show. And we love it. Keep signing up. There goes Ben Buck, everybody. Thank y'all so much. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Okay. Aga Bob Aga Bob is the next. But not before the great Kayley is back everyone. Yes. I don't know if I mentioned this, but the yellow roses considered a bachelor party headquarters. Did you know that? No.

If you guys have been looking for the headquarters of bachelor parties, the yellow rose, that's what they that's a big deal. They have a world famous cheeseburger at the yellow rose. Did you know that? Dude, I did know that. I've had it before. Is Aga Bob here? No signs of Aga Bob may have been stopped at TSA.

All right. Whatever. How about? Oh, there is this Aga Bob. Uh oh. Okay. Here comes Aga Bob. Throw that back in.

Hell yeah. Here he is one more time for Aga Bob everybody. What the fuck up up in here? How the hell y'all doing this shit? Guys and ladies, I went fishing at a lake called Backpage. And the nigga forgot his bait and the only thing I was able to catch was hookers. Shut the hell up. Next joke is up.

Ladies, when I have sex, God himself blessed me. I don't need condoms because I got two inches worth of foreskin. A nigga's already protected. First time I had sex, the girl called me Meathead Tony. Oh shit. It wouldn't be right if I didn't talk about my daddy and shit. My daddy said that the coronavirus could have been dealt with a long time ago. If the dude that was drinking too many coronas would have just wore a condom.

My daddy snores and jacks off and asleep at the same motherfucking time. Okay. Aga Bob. Am I saying that right? Aga Bar. Aga Bar. Okay. Yeah, that's an R.

Absolutely. Welcome back Aga Bar. You've been on the show before. You dress like you're dropping off resumes somewhere. Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, I had to come look presentable and shit. My goodness. I remember last time you were not dressed like this at all.

You know, I had to make a rude awakening. I feel like you just haven't changed since Easter service yesterday. You went to church. Had a long night after that. And I'm all out of eggs and shit. Absolutely. Welcome back Aga Bar. I like your style.

Very unorthodox style and movement and jokes. How long have you been doing stand up? I've been doing stand up for about three years and a half. Three years and a half. Absolutely. And where are you originally from? San Diego, California. Oh, okay.

One of the rare, rare, rare black people from San Diego. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very, very rare breed. I like surfing too. Tony and shit. Like man in Harlem or a Mexican in Canada. Okie dokie Aga Bar. I'm sorry.

You can untangle that rope by the way. Yeah, you're all tied up there. Oh, thank you. Hell yeah. Is it true that you have two inches of foreskin? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? So technically you're always in the hood.

Oh, shit. I'm proud of that one. Shit. Aga Bar, have you thought about getting a late term circumcision? Actually, I did in Egypt. You got one in Egypt? Wow. About 26 years old.

Is that why your dick shaped like a pyramid? Okie dokie. I don't really know what his dick shaped like. How do you do? Egypt. Egypt joke. All right. Look at you, Tony.

You look good and shit. You gained a little weight. Thank you. Thank you, Aga Bar. Wow, I love these compliments. I get David Lucas up here. He calls me a fucking ginger. Let me get a classy guy like Aga Bar up here,

talking about how I'm gaining weight. You're right, Aga Bar. It is true. I've gained about three pounds since moving to Austin. I'm sorry, Tony, but I wanted to do the, where that knock-nigger-neck thing will be at. It'll be up here with the knock-nigging shit. Wait, who's that?

I was just joking. Are you making fun of David Lucas? Yeah. I want a spot. You're making fun of David Lucas not having knees. David's in the doorway saying you better stop. He's right there. Look, I'll try to get a spot.

Look at that. David, do you have anything for this guy? What do you think? What do you think about him? Chris Cross has played out. This guy about 32 looking like Chris Cross. What kind of shit is that? Oh, shit.

Here's David. Hold on. Here's David Lucas. Come on up here, David. David, come on up if you want to. His head's so big. His head's so big he can't even wear that motherfucking hat and shit.

What kind of shit is that? Aga Bar, you're about to get fucked up. Here we go. Where are you at? Hey, you look like a pimp whose bitches hit back. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I don't know.

You got like three titties and shit. You look like the nigga on the cigarette box. Hey, man, you look like a substitute teacher that niggas disrespect. Oh, my God. Hey, hey. Hey, look, look, look. I don't know if he laughing or not.

He don't got no neck. He just head and shoulders. You got the shoes of a nigga that got a monthly bus pass. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. You woke the beast over there, man.

You can't, you can't. I know he needs a beast. David doesn't like it when people make fun of him. Hey, bro. Your pants are driveway colored. Is that right? You look like a pimp. You look like a pimp.

You look like a pimp. You look like a pimp. You look like a pimp. You look like a pimp. You look like a pimp. You look like if I ran out of needles and thread and shit, I just used the yarn off your head. You look like you been cleaned two weeks, nigga,

You look like, you look like you constipated every mother fucking day and shit. Hey, man, you look like you waitin' on a liver transplant. Ah. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Agabar, you. I'm just trying to do a stand and shit.

Oh, he's doing the urkel. No, you're done. Agabar, that was the greatest thing you could have done is fucking woke David out of his diabetic coma he was in earlier. Thanks for backing me up. Thanks for backing me up, Tony. Absolutely.

I backed you up all the way. 100%. I had your back all the way. He looked like he tried to go surfing, but he drowned in the where because he didn't. You better stop. You better stop Agabar. He went back.

He went back to the kitchen. He's not even here anymore. I love it, man. I love it. You have a good style, Agabar. Look at you up here trying to roast. Absolutely adorable looking like Denzel Washington DC sniper. It's a real.

It's a real thinker. You have to know what the DC sniper looks like to get that one. It's an older reference. That's a Googler. A serial killer from about 10 years ago. I love it. Agabar, tell us something. You're such an interesting guest.

I find you to be so intriguing. You have so much swagger confidence. You have a great look. Look at you taking off the glasses for a second. You're just cool. You actually use your front pocket unlike the dweeb that was up here earlier. Agabar, what else about your life?

Haven't we learned yet? What's another fun fact about you or your family or your upbringing or anything? Well, I've been out of the country. I was in Egypt for about three years and a half teaching English. Okay. And I enjoyed the Egypt women out there. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, sandy asses. The kuchi was the closest thing to a camel's ass. The kuchi was the closest thing to a camel's ass. Have you seen a camel's ass? Yes, yes. You lifted up the tail and looked at it? They walk around. They're all around.

Okay. Yeah. All right. All right. What are you doing? Rub your head. You all right? I'm just thinking, man.

Just thinking. Because you all uncoordinated over here, man. Oh, man, I don't. I don't roast, man. You know what I'm saying? You wanted to say this. I'm not doing that. Yes, that I've seen that Tony had up here.

Agabar, be nice to the guests. Be nice. I just don't know. Be nice. Derek was about to say something nice. I was going to say something nice. And now I'm like, I fucking hate this tucked-in shirt nigga. You know what I mean?

You tuck in your shirt and I don't like it. That's high roast. I don't like your face or your energy now. Is that right? I don't like it. And I'm upset. I don't like when guys, I don't like when guys wear hats. It's like they're hiding some opponent energy.

Agabar. Agabar. Agabar. Agabar is like Drake's angry grandfather. I'm mad. I'm mad. I'm mad. I love it.

Agabar, what do you do for work? I told you last time, Tony, what you don't got, your memory's not good. It's not that good, Agabar. Oh yeah, let me, I work at Finley's barbershop. Okay. Off of Barnes Springs in Lamar. Okay. You cut hair.

Cut hair. Look at that. Derek, do you have a black barber yet? Not yet. I could use a black barber. Oh shit. Look at this. He's really serious.

Yeah. He's the only guy you don't have a bond with in some ways. So now I figure we have to make something happen here. His forehead line's crooked, but yet he's a barber. I don't get it. Oh, you got me. God damn. You better watch out.

He's going to roast you, red man. You don't want to get roasted by Agabar. Red man looked like he got kicked off the motherfucking beach for kicking up too much sand. Agabar, you're so adorable. That seems like, like a cool thing. Look, red man, Budweiser does not make your ass any wiser. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Not only does Agabar dress like a white man, he roasts like one too. No, you're so much fun, man. Please keep signing up. You're so interesting. I could talk to you forever. Black don't crack. That's why he has to buy it, right?

No. Red man. He sent me that. Red man. You also roasts like a white man. So just stop. Red man. Red man.

Look. Oh God. Here we go. Red man. What the fuck are you talking about? What are you fucking talking about? Hey, one more joke. Yeah.

And I'm out of here. It would take Skipper off of Gilligan's Island. Oh, Gilligan's Island reference. Here we go. Good. Ready for the explosion. No, a nigga like me is Skipper beat. Oh shit.

How about one more? Yeah. D-Madness just said Gicho. And then just stopped himself. He said Gicho looking at us. Look, look, look, look, look. This guy played, played, played backup for BB King. If D-Madness knew what you looked like,

he would have roasted the shit out of you just then. D-Madness played backup for BB King. All right. There he goes. Agabar, everybody. There he goes. Agabar. Social media.

At Comic underscore cut. There goes Agabar, everybody. Agabar, look at this. Hell yeah. What did he just say? D-Madness just said, I wouldn't even let you cut my hair. Yeah. Oh my God.

D-Madness is a national treasure. Seriously. Budweiser doesn't make you wiser. Oh. That'd be like, that should be like a next time he's on, we're going to have a segment just called bad roasting. Yeah. And he's going to roast and I'm going to purposefully roast bad.

Because Lord knows I don't ever miss a choke. You know what I mean? Nick Corey is next. Nick Corey is next on Kill Tony. Live from Austin. Where's my Bucky's people at tonight, huh? Where's my Matt Sel Rancho people? Where's my HEB people at?

HEB all the way. Undeniable. The best groceries since 1945. HEB. If I just start eating abs for them, maybe we'll get groceries. Hook them horns. There it is. One more time for your next comedian.

This is Nick Corey, everybody. Here he is. Hey everybody. Who likes sports movies in here? Sports movies. My least favorite part of the sports movies was the essay writing at home after them. Who else hated that?

You hated that, right? The essay writing. Who else? Why? I don't know, my dad. He thought, oh, if he can't be athletic, then maybe he can think like an athlete, you know, and not be racist. Right?

Because that seems to be what the sports movies tended to be about. You know, Coach Carter about basketball? Nah, fuck racism, right? What was it? We are, no, no, no. Remember the Titans? Fuck racism, right? Right?

Bring it on. What was that? That was fuck cheerleaders. Yeah, that was fuck cheerleaders. Oh man, oh man. I don't know. We are Marshall. What was that?

Fuck airplanes? I don't know. I forget about that one. I don't know. It's a good thing for... Thank you. Fuck yeah, Nick Corey. Making the whole audience wish Agabar was still on stage.

Nick, welcome to the show. You're absolutely adorable. Thanks so much. How are you, man? I'm good. How long have you been to stand up? Like a year and a half. Okay, all of it here in Austin?

No, so I'm in Chicago right now, but I'm from Rhode Island. You're from... Rhode Island. Okay. What brings you to town? I'm looking to move here in May. All right. Why?

Why do you want to move here? I mean, the comedy scene is just incredible down here. Okay, I thought maybe you were into like coffee shops or stuff like that. I am. You do have good coffee. Yeah. What do you do for work? I work at the Chicago Tribune on their digital marketing side.

Oh wow, look at that. Yes. Old newspapers. Have you ever heard of the... What's your car? The... The Renault Alliance. Newspapers, newspapers.

Get them out of there. A Renault Alliance. Renault. Get your new car here. It's got a real life engine. Yeah. Yeah, I put up... I put up paywall.

Stop taking the railroad and get yourself your own independent vehicle. The train horn. Okay. Welcome, welcome to the show, Nick Corey. Tell us some interesting stuff about you. What makes you different than all the people that have been up here tonight? I mean, I really like interviewing people on the street. Just not in a funny way, but just like posting up someplace.

We know that your specialty is... No, just like hearing like, what was it like growing up as you? And then just kind of figuring out... I don't know, I'm really big on just... On this whole like political side, you know, just why does someone think this way? You know, like it doesn't mean they're fucking stupid. It just means they grew up in a different way. I feel like I would disagree with you on everything politically.

Ah, maybe, I don't know. Probably. I've been minded. Really? Yeah. What's your... What do you think about the new Georgia voting laws and Major League Baseball moving the All-Star Game? Oh, man.

You have to... For those of you that don't know, to catch you up, you have to show your ID to vote in Georgia now and it's unbelievable. Your ID is a little Jim Crowey. You think that to vote? This is voting. This is baseball or what is this? Okie dokie. Wait, what newspaper do you work for?

I don't think Nick... He's still waiting for the Sunday edition, I think, before he reads about this week's news. Someone's got to draw it for you. Yeah. Okay. All right. Why do you wear khakis? And why is your shirt tucked in?

And why... What's going on here? Those khakis are comfortable. Those khakis are tight. I should not know that you and Agabar both have two inches of foreskin. Those things are... Oh, it's a mask. It's a mask.

Oh, it's a mask. Okay. I'm traveling around light, so I was wearing shorts. I didn't want to wear shorts on stage, so... So you grab your khakis? Grab your flesh-colored tights. They're light. They're really thin.

They're a little stretchy. They're a little tight. Heck yes. You look like you're about to be Peter Pan in a play or something like that. You're backstage just ready to put on your little green hat and fucking go fly on a wire or something. That'd be fun. Do you seem like the kind of guy that's into, like, axe throwing or something like that? Axe throwing?

No, not axe throwing. I mean, I bike a lot. I like hammocks. Right. If you didn't see that... I love hammocks. I've been confused for homeless a lot, and there was one time on my birthday when I put up a hammock in the morning, and then I was taking it down, and then this guy running by said,

was it a nice night? What do you mean? He thought that you slept... Like, he thought I slept the entire night. Right. What an asshole that guy was. He should have known you were just taking an early afternoon nap. Yeah, right.

Right? Yeah. What's the longest that you've laid in a hammock for? I don't know. Three hours? Yeah. It hurts afterwards, right? No.

Yeah, no, it does. Well, you slept in a hammock. Right? I'm sure I've told it on this show before. No, there was a time in which, when I very, very, very first moved to Los Angeles, and I mean very first, like very first, I'm like 19 years old, and I was living with my brother, who's a huge stoner, so we were smoking blunts, like blunts and blunts and blunts all day, every day, so I was just walking around stoned having fun, and I had a small budget for a

new bed, and we went to like a Costco or something like that, and there was a hammock for sale for like $45, and I'm like, wow, if I get this $45 hammock, I'm going to have hundreds and hundreds of extra dollars. Now, you talked about like a hammock. It's one of the ones with like the poles, like you put it together, and then you lay in the hammock. Yeah, I lasted like 40 minutes in that thing, and then I slept on the hardwood floor for a couple days.

That's better, yeah. Until getting an actual. I have this hammock that's like a parachute. Yeah, that's the one. And you just lay in and just kind of wraps you up like a cocoon, and you can't feel anything. You're just floating there. You can hop on those too. That's fun.

Wow. Wow. Okay, Nick, tell us the most interesting thing about your life's history, like the biggest fun fact about you. Fun fact? Yeah. My dad's Ron Jeremy. That is true.

You do have the Ron Jeremy vibes. Oh, fun. You look like Daniel Gay Lewis. I mean, fun. I went to an All Guys Catholic school. Okay. All Guys Catholic school. That explains a lot.

Yeah. No, I love it. What was that? Like anything crazy ever happened there? Honestly, not during, but like after I graduated, there was this one teacher called Rabbi who was not Jewish, and he was just outing all these principal, all these like different teachers. So one like a French teacher was online soliciting gay sex, and then he like posted that shit. And then same thing with like a priest.

And then our principal got outed for saying on tape, like that way we take care of all the N's in the K's. And that was on like our life. Nickelback. Yeah. Yeah. What? What the fuck?

Did you just say? The N word and the K word. Oh. So like black people and then Jewish people. And that's how we take care of them. So that was like. And you had one teacher out, all these other teachers. All these other like, yeah, homosexual, like Craigslist type of stuff.

Wow. And then we had a bunch of brothers, like teacher, but like Christian brothers, fucking a lot of kids in the 90s. You did. Yeah. My goodness. But you were never a victim of any of this. I wasn't.

No, thankfully. Right. You were the, you were the raper. Not the rapist. Yeah. All right, Nick. What's your love life like now? I'm single, but I mean, back in Chicago, I've been hanging out and meeting different comedians.

Female comedians. Yeah. Yeah. You're sexually active. Not currently, no. In the past few months, but no. Okay. And then I'm supposed to go on a, like a hinge date tomorrow or so.

Oh, look at that. You're going on a date with a girl. Yeah. Real, real girl. What do you know about her? What do you know about her? I know that she is like really kind of short hair, like in bangs that are here. Oh, she has the, she has normal like cut bangs.

I mean, personally, I know it'll grow out. So she seems sweet. She seems like she's into that energy, woo, woo, shit and that kind of thing. What are you going to do with her? She's like this outdoor open mic that, uh, I'm going to go there and then maybe hit it. I don't know. Is she a comedian as well?

No, no. I don't actually. You're going to take her to an open mic. You're going to perform? That's a bad idea, dude. I promise you. Okay. It's outdoors.

We're going to like, some people are reading like theater stuff too, like doing some acting stuff. Oh, this sounds horrible. Bad idea. They do a good job. I can't speak for myself. Oh, this sounds bad. So I'll cancel.

Oh my God. No, no. Just take her somewhere else. Okay. Sounds good. I'm going well. Yeah. Take her to Matzel Rancho.

Get her fucking hopped up on, uh, Mexican martinis. Mushrooms. Mushrooms? Is that what you said? Yeah. What are you guys going to do? Have a, an eight hour discussion over coffee after going to a theater performance? That's a good start.

Oh, I love this guy's monologue. Am I right? She's not going to watch you and like, Oh my God, he's the one hundred percent. Okay. She's going to watch your comedy act and be like, Oh, he's doing that like the acting reading thing that other people are going up there. I love man puns. All right.

Anyway, uh, okay, Nick, fun times. Good to have you. Thank you so much. Cory, everybody. He's at absurd junk. We haven't had a lady up here to perform all night. You guys think I should pick until we get a lady, huh? It's funny.

Only the guys clap for the ladies. The ladies just look back at what? You want to, you want to perform? Did you sign up? What's your name? Mariano. Mariano is a man's name. That's a no.

What's your name? Okay. Well, if you get pulled first out of all the ladies, then you'll be next. You're not Kyle. You're not miles. Oh, I know Chewie, I might actually bring Chewie up here. Chewie's never been on the show. I know Chewie.

We could just have, we could just have Kaylee perform. Maybe. Jesus red band. My God. What a monster. I think we should give Kaylee a chance and give a, you know what, Kaylee, you get a spotted Vulcan gas company this week. She can't.

I loved what you did. She can't. We got a back room. What's makes Mexican congratulations, Kaylee. Jesus. Guys. Al, Dave. There's so many.

Paul, David, Mel, comics here. All right. Here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Gina Hyena. Gina Hyena. Yeah. Skirt. Hi, people and hi, people behind me.

How you guys doing? Hey, the butt shot tables. There it is. There it is. She's coming. All right. She's coming. Gina Hyena.

She's coming to the stage. Here she is. Ladies and gentlemen. Put your hands together for Gina Hyena. Wait a second. Hi. I'm single. Yeah.

Yeah. You're welcome. I'm really scraping the fucking bottom of the barrel because I actually matched with a full-time magician on Tinder the other day. Yeah. That's where I'm at. Full-time magician. His name is Magic Mark.

You should check him out. Thank you very much. Very confident full-time magician because before our first date, he texted me and he was like, just so you know, I'm only looking for something casual. And I was like, yeah, bro. I got that from magician. I was like, what the fuck? I was like, you think I called up my friends and family and I was like, found them guys.

He's the one. Can't wait for the wedding. There's going to be fucking doves everywhere. But the way he said it, it was he was like, I just wanted to be honest. I didn't want to lead you down a deceptive path. And I was like, bro, isn't that your fucking job? Like magic is just gaslighting with eyeliner. The fuck.

I'm still going to fuck him, though. Because he's got face tattoos and I'm stupid. Looks like a sexy ass doodle bear. Can't wait. Because I'm going to blow him and I'm going to be like, did you finish? And he's going to be like, check behind your ear. Gina. Hyena.

That's a good joke. Hell yeah. Wow. Very fun. Welcome to the show, Gina. Thanks for having me. How long have you been on comedy for? One year.

One year. Perfect. All of it here in Texas. Started in Texas, lost my job right before COVID and now I'm back in New York. Okay. You live in New York City. Yes, sir. Awesome.

And you still live there. You're happy there? I'm happy now. Last month, not so much. We got comedy clubs back. It's a lot better. Yeah. It's a lot better there.

I'm seeing it all over the internet. Everybody's having fun. I heard there's a lot of crime though in New York. I heard it's blowing the fuck up where it's like kind of out of control more than Los Angeles. It's fun. Yeah. I missed it.

Where are you originally from, Gina? Originally born outside of Western Mass. A lot of heroin. All my friends are dead. So moved to New York for 10 years. And then I decided to switch it up, came to Texas, started a comedy here. I got fired for being on a webcam. What?

You get fired from the yellow rose or the red rose? No, I was actually doing... Just kidding. Just kidding. It's a sponsor. Fun story. I was actually in neurosurgery when I... Whoa.

Yeah. Wow. You were doing brain surgeries? Final surgery. Wow. That's incredible. How long did you study that for? Forever.

I was in school for, I mean, until last year was the last stop taking grad courses. Wow. I'm a behavioral degree, neuroscience, biology. Yeah. My goodness. That's incredible. It doesn't really match your look. Yeah.

I realized that like... You're like a good student and the look says bad baby. Yeah. I realized I was spending all this money on grad school and I was like, nobody fucking cares. So I bought tits. Like I was like, I could have retired 10 fucking years ago. Okay.

How much did that cost? Just out of curiosity. 20. 20. Let's see it. I don't believe it. They moved. They moved.

They moved. Red Band had to spend 20 K at Water Burger to get those tits. It's way cheaper than that Tony. Yeah. He only had to buy 10,000 quarter pounders. No. They're my retirement plan. They're my retirement plan.

It's great. Wow. How small were they before? Is that rude? Very small. Yeah. It could be a small seat. Yeah.

Right? Is that my correct? Yeah. Thank you very much. Did you buy gummy bears? Did you buy gummy bear tits or did you go with the classic? So I went saline. I can't believe we're here.

I'm like, I have a neuroscience degree. Let's talk about my tits. No, I bought saline because if they break, you don't get like any injuries to like your body. It's funny. I also imagine that you got seas at med school as well. You know what? I got...

It's a report card joke everybody. For those of you that missed it, a report card joke. I got to see an orgo, which is actually pretty impressive. Orgo? Is that where you make the things with paper? Like the birds and stuff? Yes. Absolutely.

Absolutely. What's orgo? Organic chemistry. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That seems hard. Yeah.

Chemistry is like a real test of can you pay attention? It's real... Yeah. Then I looked around the room and I was like, nobody in here is funny or hot, so I should just buy tits and have somebody else pay my bills. 100%. And has that been working for you? You're single?

I'm fucking a magician, so it hasn't worked out that well. So you really are fucking a magician? Is that true? That's a true story. Oh, shit. That I didn't want to... I was like, I'm going to do the joke about him, but I'm not going to make it about him. And here we are.

Have you ever seen him like perform at one of his shows? He's like really good. Oh, shit. It's fucking annoying. Does he fuck with you all the time with magic shit? Like, hey, my dick's coming out of your ass right now. He's fucking six times. Red Band, what the fuck is going on?

What the fuck is happening right now? These people at Antones make these double-jackin' cokes way too strong. No, I'm going to ask that. I'm going to ask, because the last time he was like, I really want to see what you're into, so the next time is going to be really interesting. The next what? The next time. Oh, okay.

Yeah. If he's God, this is fucking asshole. I wanted to make this about me. Ask me something else about me. You're going to have a bird come out of your vagina. You're going to be pissed off. Okay, Red Band, thank you so much. Who's the guy that you banged before the magician?

Oh, my God. The last person I dated here actually made me call him Delta. His name was Dave. Oh. But yeah, he was like, call me Delta Fox Trot. Look that fucking guy up, too. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

And then I found out he had been in the military for nine years. Wow. Yeah, he's having flashbacks. Yeah. He drove a white Ford Bronco. True story. He drove a white Ford Bronco. Really?

Yeah. Wow. Was he a black dude? Well, the two guys before that used to hit me. So Delta Fox Trot. That was a good question. John Dees just asked, was it a black dude? Because a white Bronco is a famous black man's car.

O.J. Simpson. Yeah. That was a first red flag. Delta didn't get by. You know. Was he black? No. White boy.

Have you ever been with a black man? No. Not yet. Whoa. Look at that. Jesus Christ. God damn. John, I think she wants you to tickle her eyebrows.

She has a one dove vagina right now. Will you stop with the birds and the pussy jokes, red man? Jesus fucking Christ, man. Oh, my God. She doesn't have birds in her fucking pussy. It'd be so crazy if she's like, actually, I mean, like, good night, everybody. Thank you.

Sorry to Michael Lair. We ran out of time. Good night, everybody. It's just an eagle. It's coming out like a giraffe, baby. It's just a dead owl just foop. Just falls on the floor. Old hoodie died from suffocation on that day.

Wow. You were so funny, Gina Hyena. I'm going to be honest with you. I really was not expecting it after being in this business for 14 years. When I saw a female wearing makeup, like trying it all, I immediately was like, wow, this is going to be the absolute worst. And it immediately set you up so that when you hit actual punch lines, I was shocked.

Thank you. What's the longest set you've ever done before? 25. Really? Oh, wow. I would like to have you Wednesday to do a spot at Vogue. Turn up. Whoa.

Yeah, absolutely. If you can. Yeah. Wow. What a stunning turn of events. Nobody ever saw that coming. Gina Hyena. Absolutely incredible performance.

I loved it. Thank you so much. I lost your piece of paper. Oh, there it is. And there she goes. Gina Hyena. Follow her at eggs and hot sauce. All one word.

Thank you. Just the letter N. Eggs and hot sauce. That's the stylings of Gina Hyena using her med school brain to write jokes and hit the punch lines. Very impressive. Fun stuff. 154. We started at 805.

You know what? Let's do one more and then get Michael Lair up here. Just a quick one. When I was in the melee of pulling out names to get a female up here, I pulled out a name of a guy who I actually know. And he is driven, I think, four or five hours, many Mondays, to come here to sign up for the show. I made friends with him when I did crowd work one night at a stand up show in San Antonio.

I did crowd work on this guy. He was funny. He responded funny. We had fun. We hung out afterwards. We went golfing a few weeks ago. A guy from a random audience member at one of my shows to golfing with me. He's so likable, so cool.

I can't wait to see what he does up here. For the first time in Kiltoni history, make some noise for my pal, Chewie. It's Chewie, everybody. I know Chewie. We go. He's pumping his fist. He's excited. Hell, yeah.

I do believe this is his first set ever. How about you guys give him a big welcome? It's my friend Chewie, everybody. On our last stand. I am a dreamer, a daydreamer. Like a lot of daydreamers, I've dreamt about having my own nightclub. At the front door of my nightclub, I'm going to have a big wooden porch shaped like a wagon. To get into my nightclub, you've got to get on the wagon, stay on the wagon.

Then to get off the wagon, you've got to go down the staircase that has 12 steps to get into my club, the 13th step. That club's going to do so well. I'm going to open up another club on the gangster side of town. I'm going to call that club the G-spot. That club's going to be so successful that I'm going to open up a totally nude club. I'm going to call that the baby gap. I'm not going to forget about my hood rats. I'm going to open up a strip club on the ghetto side of town.

It's pretty ghetto over there. You're not going to see any Porsches, Mercedes. You're going to get coming up to the main stage. Put your hands together for Kia. On the backstage, give me a hell yeah for Elantra. Hell yeah! Chewy, fuck yeah, man. Wow, I don't think you're allowed to call them hood rats anymore.

That's proof that Chewy drove four or five hours from the middle of Texas to be here tonight. And for all my hood rat friends out there, Derek, what do you think about him just playing? Yo, what the fuck is the ghetto side and then the gangster side? Oh no, they're separate. What? Yeah, these hood rats and Porsches and Benzes? Chewy's about to be the first person in the show's history to get murdered by the band up here. And what happened to Michael? Did he get deported? Oh, come on.

Chewy's referencing our Mexican friend Michael Gonzalez. He's on a vacation in Hawaii. Oh, by the way, it's very rare in which someone's more racist on the show than they were at the golf course, but Chewy, I gotta give you credit. I've never seen anyone be completely nice and normal on the golf course and just come here. Where'd he get deported? Where's my hood rats at? Those fucking gangsters, they'll have their own club too. I love it, Chewy. Tell us about you.

This is your first time doing stand up, right? First time? First time ever. First time ever. Chewy the newie. First time ever. I love it. Welcome, Chewy.

And how old are you? Tell these people you're... 57. 57, absolutely adorable. And what have you been doing your whole life? What have you been doing? Tell us about it. Just working. Working. What do you do? I know Old Field, West Texas. I love it. The oil fields of West Texas.

Way the fuck out there. Look at this fucking guy. This is a real man right here. What do you think about electric cars like Tesla and stuff like that? What do you think about that? You think he's gonna not like them? He's in the oil. They're gonna make me be homeless out here on the fucking street. Is that a real thing in your industry? Do people talk about that a lot? Fuck yeah. They'll put us out of business out there.

Whatever. Oil's gonna be around forever. That's like saying YouTube stars are gonna kill stand up comedy. Oil will be around forever, but they're gonna regulate and tax us so bad out there that they'll just buy oil from OPEC. Then it's easier to get that kick back from a foreign company than it is an American company. Oh shit, dude. It's the truth. I like how you do that handshake. Yeah.

Fucking chewies out here. Are you the magician that the other girl is fucking? Yeah, let me, let me, here's the, yeah. Chewies. Oh, what? You guys are all disgusting right now. Who's in control of the show? He's bending over. You're making the fart noise.

Did you guys plan that? My pigeons on vacation in Hawaii. Okay. Chewie, tell us something very interesting about your life or your history that we'd be shocked to know about you. I'm divorced and dating's been hard. And dating's been hard. Yeah, has it been? Yep. How do you go on dates? What do you do? Farmers only?

No, I mean it's been, it's been, it's been, it's been tough. Really? When's the last time you kissed a girl? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What are we talking about over here? A long time. Really? Well, it's, I'm, because I'm... Since you got a big kiss on the lips?

Because I, because I'm a, I'm a, I've got a handicap. Yeah, what's your handicap? I am a penously challenged. Yeah, what does that mean? Yeah, it means a couple of years ago I was just that motherfucker with the little dick, but now... Now, in this Biden liberal era, I'm penously challenged and I'm, I'm disabled. I want my fucking chick. You can't get your dick to work?

No, it works. Oh. It works. Does it work in the oil field as well? Does that ever tell you? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I wake up with morning wood every, every day. Wow, look at you fucking chewy with the gooey. Wow, so like if you had to guess when the last time you kissed a girl other than your ex-wife was, what would you guess?

A few years? No, no, no, no, I've been on dates. Oh, okay, so you've made out with some, some of these hood rats or something like that? Sure, well, not hood rats, but you know, Mexican girls, Mexican girls. Homeless people. Mexican girls. Mexican girl. Okay, how long ago was that?

A couple months ago. Okay, I was going to see if a random stranger wanted to come up here and kiss you, but I guess you cut off easy on that one with by saying a random Mexican girl a couple months. We all believe you since you said hood rats earlier too. Well, I mean, I'm Mexican. I don't know what to do. We don't think you would lie about making out with a Mexican girl is my point. It's so crazy you're Mexican because when you have white hair, you don't really think you're Mexican. Like, that's, that's so weird.

That is so fucked up, right, baby. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, John. You took the words right out of my mouth. Red man. What do you want? Steve Martin's here.

Red man. What do you want? I'll hang you some sheet rock. No. No. Shit. How about your board? If they had a, if they had a kitchen here, I'd wash you some dishes.

All right. Jesus. All right. I don't have to worry. Stop with the stereotypes, everybody. This shows out of control right now. Chewie, you mentioned hood rats during your set. I'm going to hand it over to my friend Derek Poston.

I'm going to see if he has any questions. I'm not saying you're a hood rat. I'm just saying. What the fuck? I'm saying that that's an interesting type of verbiage to just throw around up here. I was just confused because he said, he said, oh, hood rats. He goes, no, I don't mess with hood rats. I dated a Mexican girl.

It's like, so what is a hood rat? Like what? Hood rat could be anybody. It seems like it's not. It seems like it's just a black woman. Anybody lives in the hood? I didn't say nothing about being, you had to be black to be hood rats. Hood rats, somebody lives in the hood.

Absolutely. What do you think? You agree with that, Derek? No. Shit. Apparently Mexicans don't live in the hood in your world. You know what? Hey, welcome to Texas.

Wow. All right. All right, Chewie. Chewie, I love it, man. And you're out here. You're visiting for all you, are you just staying in Austin? Yeah. No, no, no.

I've just drove in. Right. Drove out. I'm driving up tomorrow. And you have a what, a five hour drive? Is that right? Yeah. Yeah.

It's straight west. Straight west. Well, yeah. Yeah. Straight west. I love it. I love it. You have a truck?

Yeah. What kind of truck do you have? Chewie's Silverado. God damn right it is. God damn right. I mean, hell. Every one of these fucking guys out here is a Chevy. So those of you just listening, if you live anywhere else around the world.

But if I was truly Mexican, it'd be a four wheel drive. Chewie, Chewie, I don't think you know this. Hey, maybe you're racist, Chewie. This is an intervention. This is an intervention for racism. Oh, thank you, Jeremiah again. Jeremiah from Los Angeles, California. He's got a baby on the way.

He's still talking about it. Yeah. I love it. All right, Chewie. Well, you know, you're just such a good soul. You're so likeable and fun. I'm glad that you got to have your first time. This is something you've been signing up for multiple times.

I'm glad we got it out of your system. How do you think? You think it's going to be something you're going to do again? Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Look at that. He's hooked. Give him a big hand for Chewie, everybody.

He's on social media. Chewie Meskin, C-H-U-Y-M-E-S-K-I-N. You guys ready for your final comedian of the night? Huh? Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, a regular on Kill Tony, freshly, brand newly recovered from the Corona virus. He beat it. He got it.

He beat the shit out of it. This is his return. Diagnosed with ALS a few years ago, gave up his two decades of improvisational background and chased his big dream of being a stand-up comedian. We saw him about a year ago, a year and a half ago on Kill Tony, fell in love with him, made him a regular. He writes and performs a brand new minute every week since then.

A new resident of Austin, Texas, makes some noise for the great Michael Larrer. Oh, he's shut up. Oh, he's shut up. Oh, you women. I thought you wanted to find a guy. Until you find out, I can't walk. You know how large a lady has to be

to maneuver me around the queen size mattress for intercourse? 285 pounds. Medicaid doesn't form a law. You women act like you want to find a guy. Women also want to occasionally go to the beach. I have nightmares about sin. I have nightmares about sin.

If there was a movie titled For Me Trying to Fuck Moving the Obese Women, it would be called Indiana Jones and the Last Cocaine. I prefer to be a celebrity and go to ice monster parties for people to not invite universities

when you have barbecue sauce on all your clothes. Fuck you, Yoni. Fuck you, Yoni. Fuck you, Yoni. Fuck you, Yoni. Wow. Wow. One minute and 51 seconds.

You give this guy a week off. He doesn't even take a break. Michael Lair is back doing twice as long as every other comedian, four times longer than one of the comedians tonight. An incredible set. He's fresh off of being clean from the coronavirus. Where's Vatana Haina?

Where's Vatana Haina? Vatana Haina. Vatana Haina, my district. God took my walking away. I love you, Vatana Haina. Wow. Gina Haina getting callback power from Michael Lair. By the way, Michael,

I think anyone that saw last episode, everyone was very concerned and very worried because you really made almost everyone cry. But here's the truth. I wasn't sick. I'm an alcoholic drug addict. That's true. But the coronavirus didn't fall to the wall.

Yeah. So I apologize and I'll return all the gold for me. All right. Look, no more cocaine for me, all right? Yeah. But they have a new thing I want to try called double cocaine. Wait a second.

What's double cocaine? It's like, you know how cocaine makes me on top of the world? Yeah. Double cocaine. I can fuck too. Oh, so it's Viagra with cocaine? Yeah. Oh, that seems very healthy.

Wow. Yeah, man. I've enjoyed my sobriety. It's been very fun. I picked up hobbies. Like, instead of bird watching, I do hooker hunting. Now, this is great when you're in a restaurant. We're always curious, like, is that a hooker?

There's an easy way to tell. Does she order off the menu like she's hibernating for the winner? Does she order off the menu like she's a double hamster and has pouches to store food in her cheeks? Yeah. It went, does she order double bacon extra sauces and double hot sprouts that I have? That bitch is the hooker.

Wow. Very interesting. I can't believe we just found out. Red Banzer. I'm a hooker! Red Banzer hooker. What's funny is that any time we're out of town, I always order extra food for the hotel room.

Like, that's my backup chicken sandwich. That's, like, you know, because you never know. He famously does. He gets a backup Frosty from Wendy's. And it'll be in his fridge. So many hotel maids have had a very depressing Sunday afternoon cleaning up his backup food from a refrigerator. I'm just kidding.

He eats it before the maids can get it. Michael Larrer. I'm not happy. Why aren't you happy? Because I moved to Austin so I can fucking do drugs. And it turns out, like, you know, no matter how cute and funny you are, a girl's got the fuck of really fat guys

and they got in the wheelchair. I've never seen you laugh at yourself after a joke like that before. I've watched you hundreds of times at this point and I've never seen you enjoy a joke that much. Are you talking to someone specifically? Yeah! Austin!

Austin, what's wrong with you? You made me hear phone numbers. You don't plan on calling back. I can't, I can't walk. You don't get my jokes, all right? You know what? I lie to people now. When people go, what are you doing?

I don't say community because then you hear a million annoying things. I go, special Olympics. Run metal cocking balls. North Korea, 2015. Wow. I'm telling you, after a week off due to the coronavirus and a rough week of fat,

by the way, I just want to say that, you know, Michael Laird, before we got Yellow Rose and Red Rose as a sponsor, went to the Yellow Rose. This was on February 13th, by the way. And he sent us a text message. And his text message is, seriously, I quit everything, y'all, worked for because Yellow Rose is all I've ever wanted,

by Felicia. He literally told us he was retiring because he went to the Yellow Rose. I don't know. I guess he was just planning on spending the rest of his money there. Again, this is definitely during the months-long cocaine bender that he went on.

Again, he retired from doing what he loves to stay at the Yellow Rose at one point. He sent us this, he sent us this at, what time, what time is it? By the way, then he said this, fuck, I just realized I pissed all over myself and it stalled at the Yellow Rose. I ruined everything nice.

Wow, these are real text messages from Michael Laird. Oh, man, I'll need a bear cub. Michael Laird is back, everybody! MichaelLairdComedy.com for everything, Michael Laird. Wow, look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Holy shit. D-Red Band and Derek Hostin,

all the way down to the details of the baseball cap on that one. Everything's available at RyanJEbel.com. Did you guys have fun tonight, huh? For those of you listening to the podcast, make sure you follow the band. These guys are unbelievable. How about a big hand for John Dees?

Follow him on social media, John Kees. All one word, J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z. On guitar, Matt Mueling, everyone. At Mutation, M-U-E-H-T-A-T-I-O-N. How about a big hand for D-Madness, everybody! And on the drums, Daniel Watson. Daniel Watson, D-Watts, D-W-A-T-Z, 3-2-3. Him and Matt Mueling on guitar in a band together

called Prager, and that's the band. The Fix Vodka Kill Tony Band. Fix Vodka, the Alkaline Vodka. Literally the best vodka that you can buy. For those of you that drink vodka at all. I've been making screwdrivers lately to cure my hangovers using Fix Vodka with us. Yeah, if you have stomach acid, it's really good for that.

Yeah, I just like it because it's just a nice, clean buzz. Hey, I have a show every week at Vulcan Gas Company. This week, we have it on a Wednesday, but as you can tell, two of the people on the show are going to be there. And also, I could say it now, maybe William Montgomery. Oh, look out! Guys, how loud can this place get for my guest?

His first time as a guest on the show, Derek Poston, everyone! Thank you, thank you. He's got a great podcast. It's called, Spoil the Beans. Listen to it and follow him on social media at D-E-R-I-C-P-O-S-T-O-N, all one word. Derek, fun times, man. The most fun time, bro.

And to every comic listener, man, I hate to get serious, but, bro, just keep going. I was working this show. I was a door guy working this show, being like, man, I'm going to be on that motherfucking show. And three years later, bro, I'm on that motherfucking show. Goddamn right you are. Keep going, don't stop, bro.

Goddamn right. Keep going. He's on the show also, so come see him kick ass. Thanks, buddy. He tells you to keep going, but also with the keep going, that also means write hard, work hard, think about this all the time. By the way, he has one of the best podcasts ever.

He does it with his girl, Sam, and it's amazing. You have to check it out. Follow it on social media, all one word. Spoil the Beans. I absolutely love this guy. Like I said earlier, he's the future. You're going to remember you found him here. Oh, and how could I forget?

We ate tonight by the amazing food of CM Smokehouse. Thanks to our friend Yoni at Best Barbecue Show. Absolutely incredible. They're going to be with us for 500 a Paramount on Thursday. Unbelievable food. If you guys haven't had a chance yet, check out CM Smokehouse at Bolden Creek. Is that right?

Bolden? Bolden Acres. That's right. I get them all Barton Creek, Bolden Acres, blah, blah, fucking farmland, bullshit. But their place is unbelievable. An unbelievable setup and incredible food. And let's look at the art from Chris Rogers' art tonight.

He did it in person. That's a real drawing of the undertaker, Austin Resonant. He drew that while you all sat there doing absolutely nothing. That's a real drawing of the undertaker. And like every one of his art pieces, it might be for sale. That's true. I'm friends with the undertaker now. No big deal.

Did Rogan's podcast with him. But haven't we all? You know what I mean? Thank you, audience, so much for coming out. Austin has become our new home. It feels like home. We love you guys so much. Thank you.

Good night, everybody. Yeah. Spider-man and freezing full of fat. Uh-huh. You ready, Ron? I'm ready. You ready, Bill? I'm ready, Slick, are you?

Oh, yeah. Break it down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.