KILL TONY - #504 - ALI MACOFSKY + MARK NORMAND

Episode Date: May 8, 2021

Ali Macofsky, Mark Normand, Zac Bogus, Michael Lehrer, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/12/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Let Sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener, more beautiful lawn this Spring.Visit GETSUNDAY.COM/KILLTONY to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout!—MUD\WTR is a coffee alternative with 4 adaptogenic mushrooms andayurvedic herbs. With 1/7th the caffeine as a cup of coffee, you get energy without theanxiety, jitters, or crash of coffee. GO TO MUDWTR.COM/TONY to support the show and use code “TONY” for $5 off

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every podcast we do at Death Squad can be found on our website, DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website, ShopSquad.tv, for everything merch. We have Death Squad hats and shirts and Kill Tony shirts. Go to ShopSquad.tv. If you want to find out anything about Tony Hinchcliff and his tour and his merch, you can go to TonyHinchcliff.com for everything goldenpony. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, he draws every episode and you go to RyanJEbelt.com to get your books and prints. And if you want to see us live, you can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Not only do we have a show every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we are always on tour.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Antones in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliff. Fuck yeah, what's up, Austin? Make some noise. We're here. We're doing this shit. It's Monday night. This is the place to be. It's Brian Red Band. Everyone's looking up live in the flesh. How exciting. You guys ready for a great night tonight or what? Oh yeah, fresh off of a wild episode 500 at the Paramount Theater. Very, very exciting to be back at home at Antones. Hell yeah. Feels good in here. How about a hand for the band, everybody? You just heard it.

Thunder and Lightning, the Fixed Vodka Kill Tony band. Look at that new Fixed Vodka drumhead you got down there. That's beautiful. Fixed Vodka drumhead. Who made that? Megan Palin? P-A-L-I-N? Megan Palin painted that whole thing. Fixed Vodka. The best Vodka out there. The first ever Alkaline vodka. So if you like vodka at all and hate hangovers, try Fixed Vodka. Straight up. Straight up now. Tell me. How about a hand for the great John D's on the keys? Matt Mueling on guitar. D-Madness on the bass. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. And look who's behind us, everybody. The original House Artist for Kill Tony, Ryan J. Ebel. All the way from Los Angeles, California. Born and bred here in Texas. He's back home

for the first time in a long time getting Ryan J. out to Texas. And the first time here at Antones. Yeah. And we have dueling artists. We have Chris Rodgers' art right there. It's next to him. He's been doing a lot of... It's an art duel. Ryan J. has official posters from Episode 500 at the Paramount Theater that's a super, super, super painting of all the old paintings and a new painting. It's crazy. You got to see it. He has them for sale along with brand new Kill Tony coloring books. You can get them after the show by finding Ryan J. Ebel. How fucking cool is that? He's here, everybody. Or you can get him online at RyanJEbel.com. Hell yeah. This is going to be a banger tonight. I'm so excited about it. But before we start it, here's a little bit about the amazing

sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you right now for free here. I don't know what it's like where you live, but lawns are a hard thing to take care of. Austin here just went through a ton of wild weather this week. We're talking hail, tons of rain, this and that. Taking care of your lawn isn't always easy. There's brown spots, bare patches, those pesky weeds, and nibbling grubs. See your lawn thrive this spring with your own custom lawn care plan from Sunday. Sunday is more than just a lawn care product. It is a custom lawn care plan with a variety of ways to help you grow a beautiful lawn, control weeds, and remove pests. They take out all the guesswork and unwanted chemicals so you can grow a beautiful lawn that's better for people, pets, and the

planet with Sunday red band. You just use this on your brand new lawn. Yeah, this is my first lawn. I've never had a lawn before. It's a fun hobby. When I moved in, my lawn had not been taken care of for a few months and there was dead grass. There was places where there was no grass and tons of weed. I put in my address on Sunday's website and they used satellite data to find exactly how big my lawn is. They sent me, based on my location, exactly what my lawn needed. Man, I threw some seeds down. I killed all the weeds using their weed killer they sent me. I had a bunch of dandelions and they had something just for that. Already, I'm seeing results. My lawn has gone from brown to green in just a few months and it's amazing so far. It's incredible. This is technology helping people

with lawns now. We've seen it with other things before. Uber, Postmates, this and that. DNA, like finding out what your DNA is. Yeah, exactly. This is basically the 23 and me for your lawn. Sunday makes taking care of your lawn easier than ever. Just go to sunday.com. You put in your home address and their free lawn analysis takes care of the rest. They use climate data to create a tailored nutrient plan so you get all the stuff your lawn needs and nothing it don't. You absolutely will love it. Everything is waiting at your door when you need it when you go to Sunday. Very, very good stuff. Best of all, it works and your grass will look better than ever. It only takes like 15 minutes. You're not working on it the whole day. They have everything super easy for you.

Incredible. Let Sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener, more beautiful lawn this spring. Visit get sunday.com slash kill Tony to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout. That's $20 off your custom plan at get sunday.com slash kill Tony. Mudwater is a coffee alternative with four adaptogenic mushrooms and aya verdict herbs. With one seventh of caffeine is a cup of coffee. You get energy without the anxiety jitters or crash of coffee. Each ingredient was added for a purpose. Cacao and chai for mood and a micro dose of caffeine. Lions main for alertness. Cordyceps for support of physical performance. Chaga and reishi to support your immune system. Tumeric for soreness and cinnamon for antioxidants. You know this stuff

red band? Yeah, you got my pack. It came with a nice little mixer for it and everything. I mixed it with some nut milk, add a little bit of honey and it's great. I've been trying to find an alternative to coffee for a long time because I've been addicted to coffee for so long and I drink so much of it all day. This doesn't give me the jitters, but it does give me the energy. Mud is whole 30 approved, 100% USDA organic non GMO gluten free vegan and kosher certified. I'm telling you this mudwater it's something else. It's different. That's for sure. It's sort of like I would put it somewhere between tea and coffee, but the feeling that it gives me is that of like let's get work done without too much anxiety. Go to mudwater.com. That's MUDWTR. So they spell it differently. So one more time

that's MUDWTR.com slash Tony to support the show and use code Tony for $5 off. So that's mudwater.com slash Tony and use the code Tony for $5 off. You guys ready to start the show tonight? We have two amazing guests as always. This one's very, very exciting. One of my favorite comedians out of New York, a return guest, a fucking cold blooded assassin and joining him, one of the most famous regulars in the history of the show. Someone built right here in front of the Kiltoni fans. Make some noise for the great Mark Norman and Allie McCoskey, everybody. Oh yeah. Come on in. Hell yeah. Mark Norman and Allie McCoskey. Hi guys. Hey, hey. Welcome. Welcome. Good to be here. We all have very distinct voices. Allie down. All right. The band got blacker.

Yes. That's a good thing. This is a new band since the last time you were here. Oh yeah. Basically sort of a sort of the same old plain white electric guitarist that we always have. Yeah. Look at that. Same little Mexican drummer that we always have. All right. Oh yeah. That mulling over that little vanilla soft serve. And we have D madness. Look at him. Oh, quest love looks like shit. I'm joking. D madness. D madness. Comedian. He's heard that a million times, I'm sure. So welcome back guys. Of course, the great Mark Norman of the Tuesdays with Stories podcast. We might be drunk with Sam Morel and my favorite special from the year 2020 out to lunch available on YouTube. A wild viral success. Thank you. And of course, Allie McCoskey built here. She became

a regular or was on the show under the age of 21. Yes, sir. Started at 19, right? Yeah. And now absolutely killing it. Opening for Joe Rogan all around the country. She was on JRE today, right? Yeah. That's awesome. Resting bitch podcast available everywhere. Allie McCoskey, former Kill Tony regular with us tonight. Great podcast. We're going to watch some comedians or people trying to be comedians. Maybe they're unbelievable comedians. Anything can happen. We've been finding some real local legends here as of late and business is a boom and a bunch of people sign up. You guys probably know how it works. If not, they get pulled out of a bucket. They sign their names beforehand. Their names are cut in a little piece. If I pull their

name out, they get 60 seconds. You know, that time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or I'll sure going to bring out the angry fifth street bear. There it is. There it is. I'm a little sheep and an elephant for good measure. You guys ready to start the show? Yeah. How many of you are have listened to the show before? Big fans of the show. All right. That's a lot of you. You guys want to start it with a special treat then? All right. Well, then let's kick off the show with one of our three unbelievably talented regulars. You know what? Fuck it. Why don't we just start it off with the longest tenured regular of all time. This guy simply will not stop writing a brand new minute every

single week from Los Angeles, California. You call him the big red machine. I present to you one of the best in the world. It's the great William Montgomery, everybody. Just debuting another brand new 60 seconds for us. Come on, make some noise for William Montgomery. Thank you so much, St. Antonio. It's great to be in Texas where everybody's not all woke. Hell, now you got Delta Airlines being all woke and Major League Baseball being all woke. About the only thing not woke these days is DMX. And I would like to thank my father, Larry Montgomery, for sending me that joke via text message a couple days ago. And then in the text, he said, it's funny because DMX OD'd and was in a

coma and is now dead. I had to say it, but if you are watching C-Span 3, you are officially gay. Let's give it up for C-Span 3. You know you're bad at golf when you play with Tiger and the next day he decides to drive off a cliff. That's a David Spade joke. The man has been playing golf since he was two and then one day plays with David Spade and then wants to give it all up. Makes you wonder if he played golf with Chris Farley the day before he died. Wow, Jesus. William Montgomery taking massive chances here tonight. Massive risks. Those are either, that's what we call risk and reward, everybody. It's one thing to take a shot at the great DMX, but I mean, my God, to add the ever likable and white

Chris Farley to the... And then you threw your dad under the bus like, oh yeah, my dad sent me this. Shut up, Redman. You told me to say that. You fucking, you were the one who told me to say that. No, that's, I thought it was funny that his dad told him to say the DMX joke. I love it. William, did you find out what's... Who is DMX? Oh, okay. Perfect, perfect time to ask that question. He's a musician. He's a rapper. You know this, William? Yes. Okey-dokey. Hell yeah. Very good. Did you find out what C-Span 3 was this week? Yes, I did. I saw it on HLN. What? HLN. It's another television channel. That's the Forensic Files Network. Forensic Files Network. All right, William. What else has been happening this week? I have been looking for places to live.

Why did you laugh at that? I've been looking for places to live. I've been wearing this outfit the whole fucking time. Nobody is giving me any chances to sign a lease. I also have a criminal record, a pretty extensive one, so I think maybe that hurts. Ooh la la. Anybody want to take a guess at what William has a criminal record for? Yeah, masturbating in a park. It's definitely a diddly camp counselor. What do you guys think of William Montgomery's performance here tonight? I can't hear it over the brightness of his legs. And you can kind of see my pink skin underneath this white shirt. What? You can kind of see my pink skin under this white shirt. I have very pink skin. Yeah, it is pink under there. That's very interesting. I see what you're talking about.

It looks like, oh, there it is. Someone called the fire department. Thank you, Michael. Okay. All right. William, have you been eating a lot since being in Austin? Yeah, I ate some pizza yesterday. I ate some pasta the day before. It's fire trucks going around in circles around the block, it seems. Yeah, I don't know who's driving. I don't know what's going on there. It's really fucked my setup. That's what did it. I was here to ask Mark if I could start opening for him and then my fucking set just got sabotaged. Mark, I'm here to ask you. I mean, when can I start opening up for you? Oh, I didn't know you did comedy. I'm joking. Fun, fun stuff. I'm going to ask Larry to open for me. Yeah. Will you really?

Yeah. Can I be there? Okay. I love that Larry wrote that DMX joke. That's absolutely hilarious. What happened to him? The dad? Oh, died. What? Yeah, he died. Holy shit. Man, I hope Prince William's okay too. I know. What was that? Philip, right? Philip, sorry. Sorry. Prince William is okay. We're glad to be able to inform you, Prince William's totally fine. Mark, I know you're a big fan of cars. Are you familiar with Hyundai Lantras? Oh, yeah. Have you ever driven one? Yes. What color? Blue. Yeah, I used to have a blue one too. All right, this is the worst speed date of all time. Yeah, it really is. William,

I thought bringing you out was going to be better than taking a massive chance and pulling a name out of the bucket to start the show. Boy, the surprises never end on a show like this. I got to tell you, for you to come up and, all right. William, I saw you yelling at this guy the other day and it made me think, have you ever been in a fight before? I have not. There was this kid named Kevin Cook at Memphis University School who I went to school with and he used to borrow my pins and one day I stuck one of the pins in my butt and gave it to him and he put it in his mouth and he didn't show up to school for the next couple of days. When he showed back up, he almost beat me up. What did he say to you? He was angry. I had stuck the pin in my butt.

Do you remember anything that he said? I don't. All right, William. How about a big hand for everybody? It's not easy writing a new minute every week. One of the hardest jobs in show business if you don't believe me. Rewind six minutes and rewatch that. William Montgomery, everybody. Make some noise for William, everybody. I'm just busting his balls. I never really make fun of William. I liked William's set. Yeah. I liked that Larry's his ghost rider and DMX is his rough rider. There we go. Thank you. Oh, look who's back. Uh-oh. Make some noise for Kaley, everybody, from the Yellow Rose. Sometimes the Red Rose, the two best strip clubs in all of Austin, Texas.

Yes. You should have seen what she did at episode 500. Crazy. Crazy. I'm sure there's going to be more fun moments in the future with Kaley. All right. This looks like a new name. Let's see what happens here. How about Vorge Cortez or Verge? Perhaps Varge. What do you think that is? Vorge? If your name begins with a V and ends in Cortez, I'm going to say that you're next. V-O-R. Handwriting is always very telling on this show, too. The wilder the person, usually the wilder the handwriting. So this should be interesting. We just got confirmation this person is coming from upstairs.

Vorge Cortez. You guys excited to be here, huh? You guys get it? Anything can happen. Any second, you're going to see what I'm talking about. Okay, here we go. All right. Pull the name out of the bucket. It's Vorge Cortez. Yeah, Vorge. I love to smoke weed. I love to smoke weed. Without weed, my social anxiety would just be social anxiety I could remember. But thanks to weed, it just turns into paranoia, but I don't know where it comes from. You know what I mean? Fuck. Who's there? Who's there? Fuck it. Okay, I'm the only one on the fucking spectrum. Okay, cool.

I've done Molly a couple of three times, and people say Molly's a sex drug, but every time I'm peeking on Molly, my dick doesn't do shit. So the only three some I'm interested in is getting my hair brushed while I take a shower. If I want to take it to the next level, put a cute tip in my ear and rub some fix on my chest. Okay. Wow. Very intense set. How about one more time for Vorge Cortez, everybody? There he is. Lot of energy. You on fucking HGH, girl? What's going on here? You got that fucking UFC

fighter energy? You seem genuinely angry when you got paranoid. You seem like a weird guy to smoke weed with. I would be frightened. Yeah, you make bread and chob look pretty damn good. Fuck yeah. What is your name? Your handwriting matches your body muscle ratio. My name's Jorge Cortez. That's an H. That's an H? It's a J. Oh my god, it's a J. No way. That's a J. I know you're laughing because you thought that I thought Jorge was spelled with a J, but if you look at this, there's no way it's a fucking J. No, it's a V. I'm reacting to the, I didn't think Jorge began with an H. You assholes. Gringo. Gringo. Jorge. Jesus Christ, man. Later, you got to shut the fuck up. Yeah. What the fuck?

This is the Adderall that happens here in Austin every once in a while. Once every four shows, one out of the hundred people are just fucking gacked out of their mind. Somebody put a dick in her mouth. They've been partying since Thursday and just fucking they were up and down rainy street. They smell like Indian food at this point. Fucking barbecue sauce on their fucking flowery skirt. Look at her. She's not even listening. She's yapping to another friend. She's so coked up. We got a real hunter Biden over here. Real fucking sloppy mess. All right. Jorge, where do we begin with you? How long have you been doing stand up? Six years. Six years. Oh, shit. Did anybody notice how Hardy just started sweating after I asked him

that? His forehead is now soaking fucking wet. Wow. Six years. All of it here in Austin? Uh, no. Paso, DFW. I just drove in for the night. Okay. Awesome, man. I love it. So mostly Dallas, Fort Worth. Is that where you live? Yeah, Fort Worth. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work in Amazon and I'm a personal trainer. Oh my God, you're Jeff Bezos. I am Jeff Bezos. No, Jeff Bezos has money. Sorry, I was thinking of Jeff Bezos. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. I needed one good one tonight.

So you work in like one of those Amazon warehouses? Yeah. Okay. Is that a tough job? We hear a lot that there's a lot of restrictions and you're peeing in glasses cups or something like that. Yeah. Is it a tough job? Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of tough. I'm a lazy person. So I find it hard. It's very restrictive as well. Yeah. You had long hours? Like 10 hours shifts at a minimum. And they're like very strict about their breaks and everything, right? Like down to the minimum. Oh yeah. You have seven minutes to be productive. If you're like longer than that window, then you get like written up and shit. Does Alexa write you up? Is she like, what have you been doing? You know, like... Yeah.

I'm surprised you work at Amazon because you have no delivery. Hey. He says the jokes and we don't get them until two days later. I think the jokes might be better in Chinese. No? Okay. And a personal trainer? Yeah. You got a lot of people coming to you? Absolutely not. No. No. I'm recently certified. Yeah. Recently certified. Absolutely. How many people do you have under your two to lids right now? I have one person under my two lids at the moment. One person? Oh no. And what are we talking about? A boy, girl? It's William Montgomery.

It's a dude. It's a dude? Yeah. Okay. And what's he shaped like? Was he a big guy or... He's kind of shaped like a pair. He's kind of like fucking, like got this kind of like short stocky, a little fat around the gut. Okay. Oh, like me. Like you, but like if you got fucking smushed. Yeah. I think you should see. Yeah. You look quite tall on camera. That's what I say. There you go. Oh, on camera. Look at that. On a table. While sitting down on a podcast, you look awfully tall, right? I love it. Jorge, you have any special skills or talents? You good at anything? You ever win in a trophy for anything or win a competition? You have anything at all other

than stand-up comedy? What do you... Trophies? No, not really. I was pretty mediocre at sports, you know. So like basically what you got out of the stand-up, I think that's how I've delivered in the rest of my life as well. Music, art, anything? You do anything else? Do I do anything else? I mean, I work out, you know, but I don't think that's much of a hobby. I garden. Oh, really? Okay. All right, it is Jorge after all, huh? What kind of gardening do you do? What are your favorite things? What do you got planted right now? Just like a small patio garden. We're keeping it simple just herbs. Who's we? My girlfriend and I. Okay, how long you been with her? A little over a year. Wow, what did she do? She works at a jewelry store. Okay. She buys

themselves. Using the mask as a sweat wipe, huh? Sorry, come on, yeah. I mean, he's drenched, ladies and gentlemen. He literally looks like he just got fucking splashed at SeaWorld. I wonder what he does when the bathroom's out of toilet paper. You sweat a lot? No, I just, I just fucking slammed a bang energy drink because I'm making it. I got to make it back to Dallas tonight forward. Oh, the old bang energy drink when you're here in Austin. Yeah, everybody's just doing the bang just like that lady. It's only bang, huh? I love it. Okay. All right. You have any special maneuvers in the bedroom that you do on your girlfriend of the past year? I'm pretty humble. I'll eat ass. You know, I'm like pretty quick to eat ass. You do?

I'm not trying to fucking act like I'm a miracle worker right here. I'll eat my, you know. All right. You say that like you just go straight for that first. I have a conversation first and this day and age you got to ask. With the asshole or with her face? Because you said I eat ass like that's just yeah. Hey, how was your day, baby? Good to see you again. Well, you ate a cock tonight, so it all evens out. Okay, Jorge, so much fun to have you on. Thank you very much. Hell yeah. Jorge Cortez, everybody. Yeah, Jorge. Talking about marijuana being paranoid. You know what I mean. That's a premise. That's a premise. Yeah, I think he had a Philip Garcia shirt on. That's pretty cool. Philip Garcia kill Tony famous. Got pulled out of the bucket on 500. Turns out he told us about

his car getting towed on the way there. Popped a tire. And so we gave him a Ridge wallet with $500 in it from our friends over at Ridge wallet. The best wallet in the game. So the kid got to pay for his toe and no one gives a fuck. All right, awesome. Kaylee from the yellow rose red rose. Everybody keeping us safe and your next comedian goes by the name of Anthony Zamora. Here we go. Here comes Anthony Zamora. Let's see what happens next. Anthony Zamora. I do believe I've seen this name before. Yeah, someone. How many of you with this is your first time at a kill Tony live? All right. Hi, people. I like the butt crack. Anthony Zamora is coming down the stairs.

Here he comes. Put your hands together one more time for Anthony Zamora. So according to the Washington Post, white people are the least likely to wear a mask in public. They prefer to wear the entire hood. Whole thing. Whole entire thing. It's fucking weird. So real quick up from a fuck with you, you know the difference between a lima being a chickpea? I've never paid to have a lima being in my mouth. It's pretty good, right? I like that one. You can feel how you want to. I fucking love that joke. So I'm new to the dating scene. It's been a while, but I'm back on the fucking scene.

Women are entitled now. Not sure if he knew this. I was texting a chick and she asked me how long my dick was and I told her six inches and she told me six inches. Eight inches, bitch. That's my type. I said, how the fuck do you even know that song? You're like 14 years old. How the fuck do you? I'll read it on that. Wow, look at that little little. He'll just likes to get out on a hard groan, everybody. One more time for Anthony Zamora. He said, I'll get out. I'll get out on that. Like he's got a standing ovation. You would have thought. Thank you. Good night. Everybody's like, oh, disgusting. All right, Anthony, you've been on the show before. Once before, yeah. Hell yeah. Welcome back. Welcome back. Are you the Bucky's mascot?

Does anybody else see it? Yeah, I swear to God. It just hit me now. I know I didn't think of this last time you were here. He said, I had a Richard Nixon mascot. I cannot tell why. Oh, wait, that was it. Yeah, no laughs and no chin. I love it. So, Andy, Mark, what do you think about this guy? I think you're very confident. You got a good charisma, but you did do a standard run of the mill street joke. I mean, one of those jokes is like textbook joke book. Yeah, I got it from some homeless people telling it for a quarter. That's why that's what I get from homeless people. It's such an honest thief we have, everybody. All right. I mean, that's very interesting. The chickpea thing, that might be

the most, you know, that might be, you know what I mean, right? You know that other people have done that, right? Correct, yeah. I had to give a shout out. It was my friend Squatch and Annelie. But you didn't give the shout out until we just asked you about it. That's the problem. It would have been cute if after that you were like, a homeless guy gave me that. Like, I mean, it wouldn't have been funny, but it would have been cute had you given the homeless guy credit. I mean, who's your who's your hero's? Carlos Mancio? Like who is he loves this shit? Look at this fucking giant boy scout. He lives for this right now. He doesn't even care that it's not going well. He's just so happy to be in front of those. But that is stand

up 101. Like do not steal jokes. Do not use street jokes. Make them your own jokes. And if you don't knew where you at this, do you brand now? About three years. Okay. Yeah, we are way too far to be. You got to, you know, especially on a show where you're doing 60 seconds. Like, I mean, you got to, you have to summon, you have to show us something else. Can I redeem it? Can I do a different? Can you redeem it? You want to take that back? And then you want to do one of your jokes? That's what I'm asking for you. All right. I think the chickpea joke was what? We have it measured out. We have a whole app here for kill Tony's 11 seconds to do an 11 second. How many you want to see him do an 11 second long joke? He's cashing in is the first time we've done

this on a on a show. You have 11 seconds and you will hear the sound of a. Yeah, it's going to be something special. We're going to bust out a brand new sound effect for this at 11 seconds. You will hear the sound of a. No, not that one. Nothing they say. It's never anything they say. Go to the actual. We got to find a new song. I'm sorry, everybody. There you go. That's the sound of a dolphin. This is the dolphin of redemption. Are you guys ready for his 11 second dolphin of redemption? I don't know. If this was Vegas, I would bet for this is about to suck. Ladies and gentlemen, with an 11 second joke, I present to you starting now, Anthony Zamora. Fantastic. According to the US census, 7% of Americans have major depression. That's 22 million people

who practice stand up comedy. It's all right. It's all right. I said 11 seconds. Yeah, that's what happens when you don't steal jokes. Oz and groans. Oz and groans. Anthony, what exactly do you have stuffed in your cheeks right now? And we all want to know is it coins? Some people are saying that it might be a mini russet potatoes, perhaps. We want to know what is in those to look at why? What's up? What's going on? What do you got in there? Anything? Nothing. What do you do for work, Anthony? Sales. What are you selling? Nothing. What are you selling, Anthony? Anthony over here. What are you going to do? Write a joke for you, Anthony? What are you going to do? You're

going to embrace that type of energy, Anthony? Are you going to give her a quarter? No, it's really it's kind of absurd. I call people and I talk them into working for whatever company they signed up for. So you sign up for DoorDash, but you never started working. I call you and I convince you to start working for them. But it can be DoorDash, Uber Eats, Grubhub, anything. Someone needs to convince you to start writing your own material. Oh, shit, dude. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Anthony Zamora is up here getting punched right in those fat cheeks at his. Tell us something interesting about you that we didn't find out about you last time you were on. After that episode, were you like, God, I can't believe I didn't tell

him about the time that I or anything about you. Anything interesting about you, Anthony? The only thing I can remember right now is I juggle. Really? What can you juggle? I can juggle. What do y'all got? What do y'all got from you? Like a baby? Lemons or something like that? You juggle lemons? Lemon? Yeah, we got lemons. How many lemons can you juggle? Let's do three for right now. Any chance? How about a hand for the great staff here at Antones, everybody? Think I could buy a few lemons from you guys? Huh? Here we go. Yeah, that's a lemon tossing music here. Those of you that haven't heard it before. This is the official song of lemon juggling. I will do anything to make Anthony Zamora seem somewhat talented. We're going to juggle some

lemons. It's a real Monday night party here at Kill Tony. Here they come. I can see them. Three lemons. Hell yeah. How about one more hand for the staff here at Antones? They're the best. We love them. This is our family here. These are our day ones at Kill Tony. Yeah, the great Kaley handing off some lemons. Here we go. Let's see if he can do this. Ladies and gentlemen. Whoa. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Ah, there it is. There it is. We had a feeling. Is there like a big climactic thing you were getting to or anything? Or was that it? Wait a second, Tony. I've seen a clown do that before. Yeah, man. It's true. It's true. We see guys with face pain and a red nose. All you have is a cheeks stuffed with shit. All right. Here he is trying to do

his big lemon closer. Let's see what he goes with here. That was just a trick that he bought off a homeless guy. Come on. Come on. Let's get some lemon tossing music. So I had two older brothers, right? The first one, he went to theater camp. He was really into theater. The second one was really in the movie, so he went to fucking movie camp. The last one had horrible ADHD, so he went to concentration camp. All right. Oh my God. How many of you think Anthony Zamora should kill himself right here on this stage right now? Jesus, only three quarters of the crowd, some real virtue signallers in this room tonight, some real fucking phonies, some real wokies. I don't want him to kill himself. Boring. All right. I love it, Anthony. You were pretty

terrible in every way. I'm going to be honest with you. You think you could fit one of those entire lemons in your mouth? I'm willing to do anything to get out on an applause here. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Just think that could be one of the lemons that ends up on your next drink, everybody. I'm just kidding. Oh, shit. All right. There he goes. Anthony Zamora, everybody. He's on Instagram at Antoine underscore the dawn. Don't steal those too. He loves stealing things worth 25 cents. He also looks like Wahoo from the Cleveland Indians. Can you see that? Hold on. He just grabbed something. Oh, Zamora kills himself in a stunning turn of events. What a twist. All right. Mariano Devonchenzo is next, but not before

Kaylee keeps us all safe and sanitary up here. Again, the yellow rose and the red rose famous for their cheeseburgers, believe it or not. I don't know if you've ever had a cheeseburger. They have cheeseburgers? Yeah. World famous cheeseburger. How many of you have had the cheeseburger at the yellow rose? Okie dokie. How many of you love H.E.B.? Fuck yeah. Where's my Matzel Rancho people at? Where's my Barton Springs, huh? Where's my Pete Terry's at? All right. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for Mariano Devonchenzo. What's up, everybody? So I know I have a confusing name and identity, but I am actually Latino. A lot of people ask me why I don't do typical Latino humor, and it's because I'm from Argentina

and we're not very Mexican. But I do speak Spanish, so that is pretty Mexican of me. I don't know. But I am more Latino than people think. Growing up, I actually used to perform in a Latin soul band with my friend Erwin. We were called Erwin and Fire. But anyway, I do identify as Latino or Latinx. I don't want anybody to get offended. You're all a bunch of puttes. Anyway, here in America, most people know us Argentinians, unfortunately, either for soccer players or Nazis. Just finish this. And those are just stereotypes. I don't really play soccer. All right, thank you guys. All right, there it is. Mariano Devonchenzo. Am I saying that correctly?

Yeah, you were saying it very correctly. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome to the show. How long have you been in stand-up? Like two years combined, very patchy. I just kind of started doing this. All the way here in Texas? Yeah, Houston, I started, and then mostly in Austin. You moved here? I moved here like five years ago, and then I stopped doing stand-up, and now I'm kind of getting on it. You just restarted?

I restarted like a year before the pandemic. What made you stop? I have immigrant parents, and I went to college and stuff, and I had a job that I didn't like, but I was taking it seriously, and I couldn't juggle both. What was the job that you didn't like? Oh, you couldn't juggle it? Neither could the last guy on stage, but he said that he could. All right, what was the terrible job? I worked in social services. I was like signing up food stamps applications, and...

Guy, what do you do for work now? Sell insurance. And you love it? Thank you, yes. I sell like Medicare plans to seniors, so I go to like small towns and food pantries, and just work whenever I want, so it's kind of a good lifestyle, and I get residual business, so I'm just trying to do that as long as I can, and earn some money so I can eventually do stand-up. Hell yeah.

Yeah. All right, I think the real loser here is your barber. Oh, thank you. You know who my barber is, actually? No. This is this Agabar. Who? Agabar, the guy who was here last week. Wait, the wild, wild, wild man?

Yes. Agabar? Yes. The legend who dressed up extra special last week? That's your actual barber? Are you serious? Well, he cut my hair twice, yeah. Did he do that one?

I'm overdue for a cut, though. I'm letting it go, but... Are you being serious, or are you kidding that Agabar is your barber? No, no, no. Agabar is my barber. Oh my god, that is hilarious for those of you that actually knew who Agabar is. We thought to ourselves just a week ago in this very room, I can't imagine the type of person that lets this man cut their hair, and here's someone a week later, and that is what it looks like. It just couldn't be funnier. Did he cut only one side of your hair?

You look like one of the plants from the middle of the Edward Scissorhands movie, like at one of those single mothers' yards, and they're just like... Yeah, your hair's leaning. Oh, I love you, Edward. I know, I let it go. It looked okay about two weeks ago. It's really leaning left politically. That's true. That thing's Biden hard. So, when you say that it's been a long time, how long has it been, and what's going on there anyway?

Like, how do you do that? I was born in the pandemic, and I did like a comb over, and then I just wanted to grow out like the curls, and it did for a second, but then I just, yeah, I didn't maintain it. It's adorable, dude. I sort of like it. What are you talking about? He's like a grown man. Remember that one medicine commercial where the people all looked like the dogs, like they had the same haircut? You know what I'm talking about? It's like years ago. It's such a bad reference.

I know exactly what you're talking about. But it's like your shantics or something. It's like he's like a poodle or something. Yeah, exactly. He would be matched up with like a black poodle. It's for the four people that know the old commercial that I'm talking about. This is after 500 episodes. This is what you're stuck making jokes about. He's got an interesting look, though. He looks like he got me-tuned in Bollywood. Yeah. Really does. What else about you? What do you do that is Argentinian?

You talked about things that you aren't Argentinian. I do actually play soccer. Are you good at kicking lemons? Not particularly. I also injured my knee, so I haven't been really playing, which is unfortunate. But yeah, it's a big thing over there. Okay. All right. Any other special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to sing or something like that. What's your favorite cereal? What's my favorite cereal? I don't know. Special skills or talents? Not everybody.

That's Red Band's bread and butter right there. I see him as like a grape nut guy or something creepy. I don't have anything special. I speak Spanish just the same as I do English, which is something. But I don't know that that's entertaining to these folks. How about your love life? What's your love life like? What do you went to? Well, it's slow right now. Trying to get out there on the dating apps. I was like- What dating apps? All of them. All of them? All of them? Oh, not the really kinky ones. I'm probably- Black people meet?

Bollywood actors meet? Yeah. I love it. Well, how about the last date you went on? What was that like? Well, I actually met someone at an open mic like two months ago, which was cool. And then we went out and it was kind of fun. What happened? So it was actually cool. When the Vulcan shows were cool, we met at an open mic and then we hung out. And then there was a bunch of free shows. There was like- You talk really fast sometimes. Do you know that? In the middle of sentences,

you really just like speed up. You dial it back. Right at the end of this sentence, you go slow again and I'm like, fuck, I feel like I should have heard that. When I get nervous, I talk over myself. Yeah. Do it again. Do it again. Tell us more. Tell us. I want to know more. No, it's cool. So anyway, we went out and we got to see, I think, Brett Ernst had a live show that we could just walk in on. So that was really fun during the beginning of the pandemic. Yeah, we want to know about fucking you guys

banging your private parts together, bro. We don't want to know which comedian you saw. Then what happened? Then we went home. We banged. I came really fast because I hadn't been, I was shutting through the pandemic. I'm not embarrassed about it. I was just like, it's been a year since the pandemic and I'm just going to be up for it. Is that what you said right after it happened? Yeah. I mean, what else was I going to say? I mean, I wasn't like, I'm not going to be embarrassed about it. Are you the kind of guy that like goes again really fast after something like that? Since it had been so long, were you immediately turned on again?

That time I was, but not generally. It had been a while, so I was like, all right, let's do it again. Where did you come? Good question. He seems like the kind of guy that would panic and come in his own hand for some reason. You know what I mean? Like, oh, I'm sorry, this was this never. No, I barely pulled out and came on my sheets and then slept. Then you put it on the side of your head and you're just like, let's fucking go again. Wait, did you say, did you say you came in the sheets? Is it the sheets that you sleep in or the sheets that you use over the windows? Wait, is that what he said? He just came right on the sheets? Is that his answer? That was my answer, which I talk fast. I love it. Absolutely. You just came right on the sheets, huh?

Yeah, I try to pull out and then I just... That's what the tits are for. I know, but I didn't... Red Van, are you talking about yours? Yeah, come on your own tits, push them together and make spider webs when you pull them apart. Oh, Jesus Christ, Red Van. Everyone does that. How do you think of this disgusting shit? Charlotte's web. Oh my God. Jesus. Mariano, you ever commit a crime? Aside from smoking pot, not really. I don't think so. Okay, not really. I'm trying to think of... What? Huh? Nothing? No, not really. Come on, you must have done something. You ever throw like an egg at a cop car or something? No. Honestly, I have nothing. All right. All right, Mariano. So no favorite cereal. You don't have a favorite cereal, not one of them.

Should I ask you that? Like, if you go to the grocery store, what cereal do you buy? Not everybody buys cereal. Somebody has to. You usually like Cheerios? Cheerios. You're a Cheerio guy, all right. Do you really get Cheerios, though? I do. You really do? What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? You get plain Cheerios? Honey Nut Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios. For your parents or for you? For myself. Oh my God. You're just saying Honey Nut to cover up your massive state. That's right. Sure. Yeah, no, but it's cool, though. They're Honey Nut. You know what I mean? Like, they're good people. Sure. It's the good ones. Mariano, I love it. You mentioned before

you go, you mentioned your immigrant parents. What do they do? What do they like? So my dad's an engineer, so he's from like an immigrant family in Argentine, Thailand, so they're very like just kind of, he made it in America, so he kind of had the same thing for us. And so kind of that, that's like a family pressure. Who'd they vote for? Biden. Really? Yeah. Yeah, that's what they told you, huh? Yeah, no, no, no, that is, so like, Venezuelans and like people like that are very Trumpers, but like Argentinians are a little more left-leaning. All right, kids in cages. Yeah, right. Oh, that's the president, former president of the United States, Donald Trump. Yeah, that's Mexicans. Talking about us

Mexicans. Really? When Mexico sent his people, they're not sending their best. Oh my God. Okay, thank you very much. There he goes. Dump the call. Dump the call. That's the president of the United States. And there he goes. Mariano DiVincenzo, his first time on Kill Tony. Thank you, Mariano. Follow him on social media. It's at Mariano underscore DiVincenzo. Gotta love it. There's live raw fucking talent. Anything can happen here. You guys ever have like crazy haircuts like that? I once did the, when I was in like, I think I was a freshman in high school, me and all my friends, it was like the lamest thing I ever took part in, but it was like 1999, and that was the time where like everybody did like the top of their hair bleach blonde,

but the bottoms did the same color. Yeah, I used to do the flat top. Remember the flat top. Oh yeah. You ever do a weird one? You ever bleach it or anything when you were growing up? I did the peroxide when I was a skateboard douche. Hell yeah. All right. Let's keep it moving. Bradley Yandel. Yandel. Bradley Yandel. Oh, coming up from this side. Look at this from right here. Hello. Hello. There it is. Bradley Yandel, everybody. One more time for Bradley Yandel. There he is. Here he is. Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service. God damn it. Thank you for your service. We really, really support the troops. Well, ma'am, sir, if you'd like to support the troops, what are we going to do? I'll tell you how.

The clock is stroking on... Fuck, I'm done. The clock is ticking on blah, blah, blah. Eat some ass. If you want to honor a veteran, eat some ass. Just go out there. Those motherfuckers died in Normandy on the beaches of D-Day so you can eat ass and please your lover any way you may like. Yes. And if you don't do that, if you're not a dirtbag or a dinner like me, it's absolutely fine. You can meow. You're the worst. What's up, Bradley Yandel? Why'd you sign up for this? What did you think was going to happen? I've been doing comedy for a month. I don't fucking know. Where have you done comedy before? This is my ninth time on stage. Wow. Nine. Where have you been doing comedy? Name places. All here in Austin? Lucky Duck? Applebee's? Applebee's? Hold on. Hold on. Redband.

Oh, the Chili's? Jesus Christ. No, literally ninth time. I've done one show in San Antonio. Name the fucking places that you perform. We don't need help here. I want you to name places that you perform. The Lucky Duck, Blind Pig, Romo Room, and BuzzMill on Riverside. All right, I believe you now and I still don't fucking believe. I believe you and I don't believe you. Bradley, okay, I'll allow it. What happened? Did you drink today? You go to the bar? I never expected to get on the stage. Trust me, we can fucking tell you didn't expect to get on stage. Nobody's shocked. If that was a spot that you've been working on for a month where I'm like, you just come, I'll pretend like it's random, and you just come on and crush, and that's what

happened, that would be shocking. There's a man out there, he's got a shirt on that says cunt in Russian. Okay, the one you told us showed up earlier. A minute into your interview, you're already talking about things that are funnier in the audience right now. You're going to that, like here's a funny t-shirt that I saw. Was I supposed to refer to my stand up? Bradley, what made you start stand up a month ago or whatever you said? What made you want to do this? Did someone tell you that you're funny? I suppose, yes, they did. Who told you that? A couple of people along the way. The first time I was a sergeant at Marine Corps, I was 20 years old, and I told you to stand up, and I guess it stuck with me.

Oh, you fought for the United States military? Yeah, that's why I said eat ass for a veteran. We didn't understand anything you were saying. That's fair, that's fair, that's fair. How about a hand for this man? I like him all of a sudden. A U.S. Patriot. What branch of the military were you in? Marine Corps. I love it, hell yeah. 0-2-0-6. I went to the initial invasion, 0-4-0-5, and then, yeah. Which invasion? The initial one. Oh, we're talking about Iraq. Iraq or Afghanistan? I didn't go to Afghanistan. Where'd you go? What invasion? The British invasion? Iraq? No, no, I'm not that fucking old, man. Come on. I know, I'm just fine. You're used to bombing. Yes, yes. That was a layup, come on. That was a layup.

Yes, you're the Chris Helms worst. You really are, you're something else, Bradley. Why does every comic in this town dress like they're going to a picnic? Just in case they get invited to one, that's what it is. Bradley, is this where you're born and raised? Nashville, Tennessee. Nashville, Tennessee. Love that goddamn city. What are you doing out here? I moved here to play rugby eight years ago. I graduated from Ole Miss, and they asked me to come play rugby here, so I played for six years, fucked off a couple years ago, and now I'm just trying to figure shit out, so I'm moving home. Okay. Wow, one of those Iraqi drones just flew right through the stage. That was incredible. They heard you say Iraq, and they're zipping

right through. All right, Bradley, so what do you do now? What do you do for work now? Unemployed. Okay, good to know that our servicemen are being taken care of. Nothing better than hearing about a good old unemployed guy. I got fired for being too direct with people at a restaurant. Oh, Jesus. How direct were you? There we go. We just stumbled across a little pile of gold. Very fucking direct. I told the manager she'd do his fucking job, baby, and I had a Bucky's mask on. I told you about Red Band. I saw you. I told you I had a Bucky's mask on, and I cussed someone out in a Bucky's mask, and he can make it move with his mouth, so it looks like Bucky's moving. You inhale the mask just a little bit, and then you're talking

just like Bucci. Wow, and I can't believe they would fire you for this. That's incredible. I can either, man. I worked there three years. I worked at the one in Miami. I was down in the South Beach serving tables. The restaurant. The restaurant, North Italia. Fuck them. I put them on blast. North Italia, Domain, and here downtown. How long did you work with that company? Three years. Three years, and at the very end, you're wearing a Bucky's mask, moving your mouth, like the Bucky, slightly. Cussing out a brand new manager because the GM's on vacation, and shit was going fucking, things were stinking. What was sinking exactly? Were you in the weeds? You had to get more bread sticks. No, I had 20 minute ticking times. I had salads,

beating glasses of wine to the tables. I had everything going wrong, and so I told somebody to do their fucking job, and it had to be the manager. Wow. God damn. Very interesting. How long ago was that? How long you been unemployed for? A month now. I moved to Nashville May 1st, so I can't get a new job. Somebody just cracked up at the fact that you've been unemployed for a month. You newly fucked. I love it. Do you have any PTSD from the Yes. Did you see his set? Yes, he has PTSD. Like real PTSD. Do you wake up in cold sweats? I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up. So you do. Jesus. Wait a really. Tea him up for a big. You asked, brother. You asked. You asked that question, so yeah.

When's the last time you got your ass eaten? Yeah. I mean, I know you get mad when salads come before wine, but when's the last time you got your ass eaten? It's been a couple years. There's a lovely woman here. She bumbled. We did this, and I mean, she's happily engaged to another Marine who's an officer now. Oh, wow. But I don't know. I was an illicit guy. I got out as a sergeant, so. Well, if she won't eat your ass, Jorge will. Yeah, that's for sure. Where'd Jorge go? She was cute. Yeah. It was real cute. I met her first thing. I told her Snoop Dogg sucks. He said, why? I said, because he's done deal with the Coug Brothers to build a weed empire. He said, well, everybody likes Coca-Cola. I said, no, the Coug Brothers,

C-O-C-H, and he fucking ran away. K-O-C-H, right? K-O-C-H. Every time I went to their house, I saw the big K. It's another win for Iraq right there. Another win for Iraq. Wrap it up, brother. It is. I love it. I mean, very, very interesting stuff. What else do you do for fun? What else about you? You seem like a guy that has some... I'm a rugby guy, a longboarder, skateboarder, stuff like that. You seem cool. That seems like really cool stuff. I'm not funny. I seem cool, but I'm not funny. So what's going to happen? Are you going to bang this married Marine's wife or whatever? I guess I never really followed up with that. Now I'm interested to know. I didn't imagine the lights would be so bright, but I can't see her from here.

Jesus, is that her? Listen to the voice of that fucking lady. What was that? Yeah, come on. Come eat my pussy. Jesus, lady. You don't really have the voice for heckling, huh? Maybe whisper your ideas in someone else's ear and let them yell it. Hey, what do you want to go fuck yourself? It makes me low hand. Jesus Christ. These people getting lit up in the dark tonight. Look at that. Hold that candle right in front of your face so I can make funny use some more. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. Bradley, what's the funniest thing you think you've ever done in your entire life? You ever prank your old bunk mates or anything like that or anything crazy?

I'm not really a pranker. I'm the kind of guy that says if you punch me in the nuts, I'm going to hold over your head forever to make you suspect when I'll punch you in the nuts. How do you get nuts way up there? Because we sleep on bunk beds. You ever heard of a soap party? So you're a bottom. Oh, well. It's a bunk bed joke. Hell yeah. One in the bunk, two in the skunk. You know what I'm saying? All right. There he goes, everybody. Come on. Make some noise for a real US hero of the greatest country in the world, the United States of America, everybody. Come on. You guys aren't going to get allowed for the United States of America?

Have we hit that big of a lull in the show tonight? There he goes. Bradley Yandel. Follow him in the... I can't read his handwriting. That's another one with bad handwriting. Who would have guessed that one? How about a hand for the great Kaley? All right, Kaley. What is it again, Kaley? Kaley Funk 73 or something like that? Kaley Dot Funk 73? Kaley Funk Dot 73. Dash. Kaley Dot Funk. Kaley Dash Funk Dot 73. You got to write it down. We always have to write it down from now on. We're going to get it right. Probably more people will follow you because I got it wrong,

believe it or not. It's one of those things. It's a podcast work. Then they'll be like, I remember the time Tony got it wrong. So I'll follow her because other people probably didn't follow her. Anyway, you guys having fun out there? Indiana Jones? Anything can happen. It's Kaley Dot Funk Dot 73. How about DL? We got eyes on DL. Anybody see him? No? Anybody, Yoni? Number two, did you see him at all yet? Put your hands together for your next comedian, Joshua Miller, everybody. Joshua Miller. Zach Bogus here. Zach Bogus with an ear shot. All right, here comes Joshua Miller straight from the back. He's on crutches. This is going to be good. Come on, guys. Make some noise for Joshua.

He's on crutches. He's out here fighting, waiting on the sidewalk for an opportunity like this. He's moving. Waiting for at least an hour, hour and a half. It is his time. The bucket of destiny has spoken. Here he is. He's moving faster than the people with operational legs. Absolutely incredible. Here he is sneaking around. Come on, one more time for Joshua Miller. Yo, what's popping, y'all? Man, I thought my mom was the most embarrassing thing I could have had in my life. Then I bought a dog. This motherfucker's dick is hard 24-7. Y'all think I'm playing. We go take his shit, and he going to look at me with a hard dick taking his shit, smelling pussy on the ground. Look at me, dad. You want to get some of this? Man, I want none of that. Todd, I might have

played dead, right? We know he ain't dead. Boom, you're dead. You're dick hard. Motherfucker, we know you ain't dead. You is not getting this tricked down, right? But it's great, though, evening and drive through. First smell of a french fry. Boom, hard dick. First time I met my mom, or he met my mom. Hey, look, I don't know. It's just a cherry push pop. I mean, I don't know the flavor, but if mine tastes like a cherry, I'd be trying to tie the stem, too. That's all I'm trying to say. But there you go, guys. That's it. Hell, yeah. Joshua Miller. What's up, guys? Yes, sir.

Joshua Miller, first time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. I'd remember you. Look at you. What the fuck are you? Can't figure it out exactly. Big-ass leprechaun. Are you? That's what everybody else say. What's your ethnicity? Are you a white boy born in the hood? What is this exactly? Am I right? I've been asked about six times if I was Creole. Yeah, is that right? Is that what you are? I'm white as shit. What's the eternal gum that you're chewing right now? What is that? Is that just...

Is that your experiment? Regular old spearmint? You always chew gum on stage? No, I was actually chewing outside smoking a cigarette. Wow, you were chewing gum while smoking a cigarette. Double your mint. My goodness. Yeah. You look like William Witness Protection. Yeah, I was hoping, I was going to come up here when y'all called him, see if I could beat him up here, but I couldn't hop fast enough. Yeah, you got a lot of dog boner jokes. You could almost say it's a crutch. Yeah, I thought there'd be more fucking something else other than dog.

I was waiting for any segue in the world there and you just stayed straight on dog boners. What happened? To my foot? Oh, I saved a dog. Really? Are you serious? No. You tripped over the boner? I took the trash outside. You took the trash out. What happened? You fell down a step? Nope. You getting rid of your act? It bags upon bags of dog boner jokes go to the trash that day. There you go. What really happened? Describe to us... I just took the trash downstairs, walked back upstairs, woke up the next day, foot was swollen like a fucking balloon. How do you know it was the moment that you took the trash out? Did you hurt yourself?

I broke the side off my pinky toe. So the doctor thinks I stepped on the step like this and broke the side of it straight off. You didn't notice it when it happened? Nope. Really? What the fuck? Yeah, you got those, you might have those diabetic feet rolling already. There you go. I can't feel my toes. You might be right there. Is that true? Well, not right now. After surgery, I can't feel them yet. How long, you had surgery? Two weeks ago. Okay. This is actually my last day. Get this thing off tomorrow. Okay, absolutely. Man, I'm telling you. Cast away. I love it. What do you do for work? I work at H.E.B. Whoa.

God damn it. I thought we had a goddamn American hero up here before, but my friend. There you go. Yes, dogs. Perfect timing for the dog sound effects after the H.E.B. Very excited. They're all hard as fuck. Absolutely. That's it. How long you been working at H.E.B.? About seven months. Seven months. Heck yeah. And I bet they took good care of you when you broke your toe. Actually, yeah, they're taking all right care of me. Absolutely. And when I go back, I get a promotion to be an assistant store manager. Whoa. Look at that. That's one of the tricks of moving up the corporate ladder at H.E.B. Break your foot. You move right up.

What location? What location? Woodlands. I'm from Houston. Sweet. Oh, Woodlands. The Woodlands is one of my favorite blunt raps. There you go. Absolutely. All right, Joshua. What do you do for fun? Usually just play golf and get drunk. You play golf? Since I was eight. Wow. You must be good, huh? No, I suck. That's what people that are really good say, though. Yeah, I'm just there for the drinking part. Okay. I believe that. First place, I can go and drive legally and I get pulled over. Okay. All right. How about your love life? What's that like? You went to a, you went to white girls or black girls because you talk really cool. You talk like you have the

confidence to shoot for black women is what I'm saying. There you go. I'm definitely on that train. Really? So, okay. How's that been going for you? What's your white girl to black girl ratio? Oh, it's probably like two black girls to probably, I don't know. It's interesting that you would start with the one number without knowing where you're going. Because I don't know what the white number is. But it's less than black? Yeah. Your black is two. That's it. I'm just saying. You're saying like two to one. Yeah. This is just shit. That's the other number. Two. Two. Or maybe three to one, huh? Three black women for each white girl? No. No. Two. Maybe it's just been all together, not even a ratio. Maybe you've only been with two black. Two. That's it. That's two. And one white

woman? No. More than that. More, more white women. Way more white women. Okay. So you totally misunderstood the original question. I was just trying to think about how I made that one. I'm just trying to be present during this episode. I'm trying my hardest. There's moments where I'm like, did I miss something? No, I was there. I was trying to think about how many black women. And I had to think of two. Okay. So more white women than black women. But what did you think of the black women? Did they? Oh, I love them. They're your favorite. Most definitely. That's who you're trying the hardest for right now. Oh, yeah. When's the last time you were with a black woman? Three years ago. Three years ago. My goodness. When's the last time you were with a white woman?

Probably about two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Where'd you meet her at? Some boring white place? I already knew her. You already knew her. Yep. That's as white as it gets right there. Boom. Boring as fuck. Already knew her. No fun at all. Friend with benefits. Just go get it. Go home afterwards. You already knew her? I already knew her. Easy. Easy. Easy. Easy. Absolutely. I'm on crutches. I ain't working for shit. Hell no. You got, you got, I could get black girl confidence, but not with crutches. You know what I'm saying? How could she explain that to her friends? She couldn't explain that to her friends. Wow. I don't even know where the fuck did that sound effect come from? That was the,

that was the one black chick here. Yeah. What's up? Is there a black woman in the audience by any chance tonight? Wait, I do hear someone talking loudly in the back of the room. Perhaps there is a chance. Casey shit. I love it. Wow. Joshua. So what's your move? What would you try differently? If there was a black woman and a white woman, what would you say differently? Do an impression. Pretend like Allie is a white woman and say your original pickup line to her. Like you, she's at a bar. You walk up to the bar. What would you say to her? What's popping? You want a fresco? You want a fresh what? Fresco. I love fresco. Okay. Okay. Now let's say she's a black girl. How would you, how, how would you greet the

black girl? What would you say to her? How are you doing? You see how much more respect, see the respect? Wow. White women's like, hey, stop. Want a fresco or what? What the fuck a fresco? A black woman. He's like, now, how are you? How are your feelings? How's your day? How's your job? How's everything? You just talk for a while and if at the end I get lucky, I'll just let it happen and I'll still throw in a fresco. Boom. I love it. Joshua, what's the thing that you noticed most about the difference between a black woman and a white woman in bed? In bed? Yep. Probably about everything, man. Everything. I'll say about 60% of white women just kind of later. 60%? But you've only been with two? No, no, no, white women, a lot of white women, black women,

no, they're synergies. She's crazy. You're one of the worst math students we've ever had on the show. I've only been with two white women, but 60% of them are really crazy. Two black women, two black women, 60% of white women don't do shit. I can confirm that that's true. Ah, look at that. I love it. Joshua, any other special skills or talents that we'd be surprised to know, you freestyle or rap or anything? No, I do not. No? You do anything? Anything else? Pretty much that's about it, man. Just golf, chill, golf, go up, do comedy every now and then, I love it. Anything else for Josh? Am I missing anything, guys? Look at this fucking cast on his foot. I do got a question though. Okay. This thing is clean. When I clean, there's no signatures

on it. So if I got called up, I was gonna see if y'all could sign it for me. You want us to sign, you're taking it off tomorrow. I'm gonna put it on the wall. You're gonna put that on the wall. You can't put a cast on a wall. Why? Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. All right. We'll sign it after the show. You guys win. Yeah. You notice, you know when you take that shit off, it's gonna smell, it's like bone marrow. Like you're not gonna want, you're gonna want to throw that away. All the, all the soft stuff comes out and then the hard casting is still there. There you go. We'll sign it. Absolutely. We'll sign it. That's, since the crowd went wild and they're not gonna find out that we didn't sign it anyway, I'll say it. We're gonna sign it

after the show. There he goes. Joshua Miller, everybody. Thank you guys. He's on social media. Jay Mill Comedy 68. So give him a follow. Seems like a cool guy. Let's go golfing sometime. I'll go golf with you, dude. Yeah. He sounds like he could roll a blunt. Snoop Dogg. What you talking about? You know what I'm talking about. Oh, shit. How about a hand for Kaylee, everybody. Your next comedian's Tamer Hassan. Tamer Hassan sounds like a new name. We love that. A lot of people get pulled up multiple times here in Austin since we started doing the show here. But Tamer Hassan seems like a new name, new story. Could be a local legend. Who

knows? Could be his first time. Anything can happen. How about a hand for the band, huh? Real live band? How many you were at episode 500 on Thursday at the Paramount? Oh, hell yeah. Crazy shit, right? You guys know what the fuck's up. We had to send a lot of those special treats back to Los Angeles, unfortunately. Oh boy, was that fun. There he is. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for Tamer Hassan. Oh, he lost the bottom. Tamer, you lost the plug it in. Plug it in and I'll give you a good reset. Come on, everybody. Make some noise one more time for the great, the brand new on Kill Tony. Give it to Ali. Give it to a professional, please, for the love of God. Come on, people. Make some noise for Tamer Hassan. Give it up for the Jews. I love me

some Jews. I'm Muslim, by the way. Historically, people say Jews and Muslims don't get along. Not true. I'm here to prove that incorrect. I trust the Jews. They trust me. Last week, Goldman Sachs, $10,000. No questions asked. Try getting $10 out of a Muslim. My friend, my friend, my friend. I think shit's not Jewish enough. I got the vaccine last week, the Johnson and Johnson. Would have got it quicker if it was a Johnstein and Johnstein. This heave lover knows what I'm talking about. If it was made by Weinstein and Friedman, out of lined up for that shit all up and down the Gaza Strip. Give me some of that Jew juice. I'm just saying it's impressive. We're 25% of the population,

gas station legends. 1% of the population Jews and they control the media, money and the weather. Impressive. Tamer, Hassan. My God. Barely, really not. Not that many jokes. More like what somebody says right before they shoot a place up. With an AK-47. There are no weapons on him though. We do have security here. My God. What do you guys think about Tamer Hassan? Hold on a second Tamer here. I'm just glad he was better at ratios than the last guy. Fair, fair. You might be Muslim, but you smell like a Persian. Yeah. Miami, Cuban, California, Mexican. Are you just naming places right now? What is this episode? This is why. I'm in an area like Needs. So here, Austinite. What? Tamer, what the fuck is going on right now? I'll recover. What exactly region

of the Middle East are you? What type of blood runs through your veins? 100% Egyptian. Parents came to. There it is. Detroit in 78. You were born in Detroit in 78? Born in Michigan young. Okay. And how long were you in Detroit for? Born and raised in Detroit. Born and raised until when? How old were you when you moved out of Detroit? I'm still there. I honestly just came for 500. Quite the microphone right next to your mouth. My bad bro. There you go. I came for 500 a couple of days ago. Uh-huh. I'm just a big fan of stand up, you know. Have you ever done it before? You know what? Honestly, this is my first official set. However, I got the, I got the cosine of a lifetime, believe it or not, in 2011. If you Google. We're not going to. Yeah, I know.

Go ahead. Just tell your thing. 2011, uh, Sarah Silverman, uh, she came to Detroit. I'm a big stand up fan. Obviously, everybody. Um, she had like a little Q and A after the show, Tamara Hassan, seduces Sarah Silverman. She gave me like a big cosine, basically saying that I should, you might be a comedian. You should do it. I've always been a writer. She told you that if you try it and work hard at it, you could do it. And here you are 10 years later, trying it for the first time. I've always wanted to be a right. I'm a writer. I've always written scripts and shit, you know. Okay. But I honestly, I'm a big fan of you, obviously. I saw you at, uh, Oddball 2016. Uh-huh. I've always just been good with getting ticks and shit, you know. Uh, Oddball was

like, you guys saw you there. Uh, I was a little late to kill Tony. Saw it like three years ago. Like my mind was blown. What's the plot of your best script? That's a good question. Honestly, with scripts and shit, I have an awesome script. I mean, I, I would hate to reveal it tonight. A couple sentences. Oh, you don't want to, he doesn't want to give away the plot. I could say the name. You know what? I'm actually going to- Does it end with planes hitting the World Trade Center? You know what? It ends with a tragedy. I appreciate that. It ends with a tragedy. I'm actually going to say this. Believe it or not, I'm going to reveal the name here tonight on Kill Tony 501. What are you, the revealing the name of what? The script. Okay. Even though I tell you the name, you'd never

see it coming, but it's going to be one of those foreshadowing things. I don't think we will ever see it coming, uh, anywhere near us, but. Final party. Final party. It's foreshadowing in the title with the writing to where when you see it, it's obvious, but you could, I mean, it's one of those things. Wow. Wow. I'm pushing for the Muslim ban. Yeah, exactly. This is like, this is like a long night Shyamalan up here. Fair, fair, fair. What's the big twist? Is there a big twist in the movie? It's literally the final party, but literally revealing that. Final party. Final party. Like before the end of the world. It's literally like a comedy. Because I'm pretty sure that James Franco did this a few years ago. Stop saying the word literally too. It's the final party. Yeah,

so it's like, it is the final microphone. It's the final party. Jesus Christ. It's the final party, so it's all comedy and all that. So it's people, you know, ironically having their final party. Okay, I can't take another fucking second of you talking on this show. It's real life. It's real life. It's real life to where everything ends. So just like we're having a sick ass time tonight. Yeah, we're not having the sickest time so sick that I think we should get out right now because it's not going to get any better than this. A tragedy happens to where people are having. Hold on, Tamer. Shut the fuck up for a second. I'm shutting the fuck up. John Deese is going to say something. You're freaking me out. I just want you to not step on any more. Step up to the mic stand,

Tamer. Right up there. That's where you belong. There you go. Oh, wait. You don't have to put it all sad into the mic stand like that. You don't have to make that like, you have to make that little cutie pie face that you give the TSA agents, dude. Come on. It's a comedy show, bro. Relax, all right? We're not, we're not, we don't have any additional inspections or anything. Anything else for this guy guys? I mean, this is wild. I can't imagine how bad the fucking the veteran that kills Middle Eastern people is biting his tongue right now in the back. Just got his thumb right on the safety of his gun. Just like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Right. He's a big Muslim. You're like Al Quesadilla.

Mark motherfucking Norman. How was the writing? How was the writing? Decent. Tamer, all you talked about was stereotypes up here. My friend, my friend, my friend. And then you just went on some real like really racist tirades about the Jews. The writing honestly, I mean, Sarah Silverman. But what did she say? She didn't see it. I know what she said because she was being encouraging because she's being a good person. She's being nervous. But she didn't, stop fucking talking, Tamer. But she didn't see any of the work that you had done, correct? She was just, you were just, you asked a question, right? And you said, well, I made a joke and I got a pop from like a solo. What was the joke that you said in 2011 in front of the room? Right here,

right here. Yeah. Sarah, she said, put the fucking mic up to your mouth. Sarah. Hello. My name is Tamer. If you couldn't make out with anyone in Hollywood, male or female, be honest. It's not a joke. That's a question. Who would it be? And she said she made the joke. I said myself included. It popped 5000. Did your question pop or did her response pop tell the truth? I mean, I got the pop. I don't really know how the fuck did you get the pop on a question? That's impossible. I made the joke. I made the joke. It's not a joke. That was a question. That's a question. She's a Jew. She was terrified. You're going to cut her head off. I'm just trying to survive the interview. I got a lot of love. I think you should, I think you should be heading back

to the audience. There he goes, everybody. Tamer Hassan. Oh my goodness. Fucking gracious. Oh my God. That guy's going to kill us all one day. It's always fun when you see the ones that are going to be peeking through your window later that night. Nothing more exciting than that feeling. Even D madness fucking sees trouble in that guy. Yeah. All right. Oh, that's exciting. We'll get that up here and just say how many do you think I should pull for a woman, huh? We haven't had a young lady up here yet tonight. Let's wait the balances of our balance, the scales. That's something we forgot to do at episode 500. Yeah, but we had jet ski there. That was fun. Jetski Johnson. By the way, if you're a female listening to this show in Austin, Texas,

you are thinking about doing stand up comedy, please write a minute and try to sign up for the show. We have such a lack of females in this. Really? It's true. I'm just going through games right now and there's not a single. This is crazy. Dallin, Sam, Leonardo. Is that a, is Leonardo a boy or a girl? If it's a girl, you can come to the stage. If it's a woman, you can come to the stage of Leonardo. Joni is a man. Don't try to come up and be funny. I don't think you guys know what Leonardo? My God, what a debacle. Look at this. Four different guys named Austin though. Isn't that exciting? Real original parents out there in Austin, Texas. Oh, wait, wait, wait. We got some movement.

Is that Leonardo? Is that Leonardo? Oh, here we go. Leonardo Joni, everybody. How cool. Come on, make some noise for Leonardo, everyone. What's up? What's up? All right. If you guys didn't catch that, my name is Leonardo. That is Albanian for we were expecting a boy. So do we got any Albanians in the house? What a surprise, huh? There's like three of us in the world and the other two are taking Liam Neeson's daughter. So you know, my dad watched that movie and was like, she's a whore. I was like, I hope I never get taken. He'd be like, don't bring her back. I did turn 35 this year. And thank you. Any other women in here expired? I do miss how it felt to feel young, right? Ladies, because this only lasts for us until

we're what, like 13? Like I knew I was getting old when I stopped being afraid of getting molested. It went from show me where he touched you to I'll show you where to touch me. Wow. Look at that set of the night so far out of nowhere. Wow. Knock that off your Las Vegas risky bet that the set of the night would be the female comedian for the first time ever in the show's history. Leonardo, Joanie, welcome. How long have you been on stand up? About two years. I love it. And you're really Albanian. I am really Albanian. You know, who else is Albanian, the very famous from the comedy store Rose of the Barton? Oh, yes. Yeah. And you kind of have that rose energy. You have like gypsy family members or whatever, like gypsy ish. We don't talk about

them. Right, exactly. I know. Gypsy is like a rugged word, but yeah. I love it, Leonardo. So how long have you lived in Texas? I just moved here three weeks ago. Wow. And again, how long have you been on stand up? Two years. Two years. And where were you doing it? New York. Oh, great. Hell yeah, that shows. Have you seen, you guys ever worked together or see each other? Yeah, yeah. She's funny. She's killed in New York, but she came here because they're terrified of her. Why are they terrified of Leonardo? Well, she keeps it real on stage, and I think New York's getting a little... Yeah, a little too woky for the jokie, huh? Yeah. I love it. Well, we're always looking for more. I mean, we were literally just saying that we need more women to sign up here.

And the market here right now, I mean, even Allie Mikovsky just comes to visit. She just does JRE and fucking kill Tony and then skips town again. She's actually on the road. I'm just joking around. But you excited to be here in Austin? Uh, you know, it's Austin. What are you... Hold on, hold on. Way to really win everybody over, Leonardo. This is your chance to have a built-in in-city fan base. He's just kidding. That's one of her jokes, everybody. That's one of her jokes. She loves it. I just think we have better homeless people in New York. That's all. Why? Why are they better in New York? Well, they sing, you know. They sing and they dance. And they do drugs, but they sing and they dance. Yeah, that's true. They really don't sing and dance

here. The Austin homeless are actually real homeless people. Like the homeless in Los Angeles and New York, they're just lazy hippies. Like that's... Yeah, the ones in New York take their fucking tip jar and go into a nicer apartment than the people that give them money at the end of the day. What do you do for work? How do you make money, Leonardo? I'm an LSAT tutor. LSAT? Yeah, so that's a law school test prep. Wow. Got some LSAT? Did you ever... So you've gone through law school? No, I just took the test, did really well, and then tutored everybody. You did so well on the test that instead of going into law, you just said, fuck it, I'm gonna stop right here. That's fucking awesome. Hey, Red Band thinks it was a great

business decision. No, that's cool. I mean that you are that smart. Have you always been a nerd like growing up? Is that what got you into comedy? Yeah, I kind of keep that on the download, but you know, like you're blowing up my spy right now, so. They are a nerd, just got a real attitude. I do see what you mean now, Mark. Just like Rose, by the way. She's a real fucking spunkmeister, this one. Leonardo, what's your love life like? You got a boyfriend? I do. You keep him on a tight leash, don't you? No, he's good. You beat the shit out of him, don't you? What does he do? He's a producer, like film producer. Oh, okay. He's a hot black. Hey, is that true? Oh, wow, look at that. It's for blowing up my spot, Mark. I'm pretty sure

your black boyfriend's the one blowing up your spot, if you know what I mean. Let's face it. That thing was built for Albania, not for fucking WrestleMania. You know what I'm talking about? I don't know. It's actually the bassist, by the way. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. I love it. Leonardo, what else do you do? What do you like to do for fun? I mean, that's a hard topic, you know. What do you mean? Well, I just work a lot. Yeah. What's like your release, though? What's something that you like to do? Like me, I'll take a couple of drops of eucalyptus oil, put it on a nice little washcloth, boil some water, pour that shit on there, and I throw right on my fucking face. What's your version of that? I have recently discovered paddleboarding in Austin.

Okay. That's fun. That is fun. Okay. Yeah, paddleboarding. We don't have that in New York. Better than waterboarding. That's true. That's true. Which our last comedian on stage has gotten really good at. Yes. I love it. Did your boyfriend move out here with you? Yeah, we moved down together. Okay. How's he liking it? He loves it. He's like, I'm never going back. If he wasn't black, I'd say he was whipped. Jesus Christ. Mark Norman. Powerful. You know, I am always looking for Newtown. I would love to invite you to the Vulcan show Thursday if you can. Look at that. How cool. Leonardo Joni in the mix Thursday at Vulcan. How awesome is that, huh? Put your hands together for her. There she goes, everybody. It's Leonardo Joni, everyone. She just booked a show live Thursday

night at Vulcan. I'm at Vulcan Friday and Saturday, going Tony Hinchcliff and his current friends. I just picked it up today. So you could be the first people to get tickets Friday and Saturday. Just stand up shows. I'm going to host them. Friends are going to be here, whoever's in town. We'll see what happens. Okay. Back to the bucket we go. You guys good with that? Bucket one more time, huh? Make some noise for your next comedian. He was on Kill Tony 500. He's back again. This guy, an incredible story. He just got pulled out of the bucket. Make some noise for Philip Garcia, everybody. Here we go again. Philip Garcia. This guy. Incredible luck on this fucking.

Really is. Oh, there he is. Here he is one more time. Make some noise for Philip Garcia, everybody. Hey, everybody. I officiated my buddy's wedding two weekends ago. Yeah, I was a preacher for my friends in college. They were like, it was a weird situation though, because I was like, hey, that's preacher Philip, but the whole family like all my friends from college like, that's the plug. You just don't know. It got even weird though, because after the ceremony, I went to the restroom and the reception and a little kid about five years old comes up to me. He's like, hey, mister, can you help me do my belt buckle? And I was like, not this weekend, dude, I'm a preacher. You know, it's like, oh, Philip, see more Hoffman. I get it. It's okay.

You don't remember the 2008 box office smash hit doubt. You remember the 2007 box office smash hit transformers? Yeah. Maybe those guys who thought driving yellow and black, Chevrolet Camaros was their biggest personality trait. Like, hey, dude, I don't know about you, but I drive fucking Bumblebee, dude. I'd like to think all those guys are now doing is mentally well as Shia LaBeouf. That's where they're all at now. Thank you. I'm Philip Garcia. There's Philip Garcia. This guy just won $500 on Thursday night. I did store friends over Ridge wallet. You have your new Ridge wallet on you. It's actually in my girl's bag right now.

Oh, perfect. Perfect way to really help us out with the best wallet I've ever had in my entire life. Right. Change your life, didn't it? Ridge wallet changed my life. Did it help you out with the extra money? You got towed. You just moved into a new place here in Austin. Definitely did. Did you spend it on anything frivolous? Yeah, barbecue, because that's basically gold in this fucking town by weight. It's crazy. Absolutely. Absolutely. What else? What else has happened this week since your newfound Kiltony fame? I moved in, actually. I'm an Austin resident now, which is fucking awesome. Newest resident. What part of town do you live in? Riverside. What are you saying, Mark? I was just going to ask if you won the Jonah Hill lookalike contest.

I've been told I look like I shrunk the kids and got myself bigger. That's what I was told. Yeah. Hell yeah. Blew yourself up. Yeah. I love it. Philip, what else? What do we not know about you yet? We've interviewed you three times in the past four weeks. Oh, man, I've had more fingers in my ass than any other straight man that's 24 that I know. Okay. Hell yeah. Explain yourself. How does that happen? I've got colon issues. Let's talk about that. I can help you out. Let's see. Semi or full? Semi. Are you talking about like male periods? Basically, that's what started happening. I was like, that's an interesting situation. Is it internal or external hemorrhoid? Wow, this is disgusting. Watching you two fucking morbidly obese people talk about your bloody

assholes. Incredible. Be sure to try the hot dogs here at Antones, everybody. Get yourself a good little delicious cliffy dog, everybody, while these guys talk about their engorged fucking outards. Okay, go ahead. Let's hear more of this bloody mess. Where's your fartboard? I mean, if you're ever going to do it. You know what? I'm going to save the fartboard for next week. Wow, look at that. Oh, I really, I like to tell, I don't know. It's always awkward being at the doctor's office and like having to bend down. I never know what to like say there. I'm usually just like playing with the subway like paper at the end of the bed, just like, golf much, you know, what's what's, what do you really say to a doctor? So what have they treated you for? What are they calling

it? Polyps. Yeah, yeah. Polyps adieu. Yeah. She's Christ. They told me I used to stop eating like red meat and smoking cigarettes, but I just can't stop eating red meat and smoking cigarettes. Right. This looks like a great guy for your serial question. What kind of serial do you love? Lucky Charms. Now I want to say Honey Bunches of Oats. I like that answer. I don't know you, but you look like you have allergies. Thank you. You look like the human version of can I speak to your manager? I feel it. Really? Really? I'm actually a stepdad. That's actually something you don't know. I can see you hitting a kid. Wait, how did this happen? How did you become a stepdad? The fucking pandemic, dude. I just, I was like, the world might end. I was like, I got to experience

everything this pit of hell has to offer. So I just, our relationship really sped up. And then I just became a step in the position of five. One five-year-old. Yeah, one five-year-old. I like to say I got to skip all the hard shit. I guess so. But now you're like, now you're like a real dad. How long have you been in this position? Like a year? A year. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Yeah, it's boy or girl. Girl. Okay. And is that, is her dad in the picture or you're just the only dad now? Not really. It's kind of a bad person. Oh. I'm just like, I don't. Do you like it? Do I like it? I love it. You seem like the kind of guy a lady would date after getting out of a really bad room. Exactly, right? Like a pillow. Yeah, super soft. Like a my pillow. It's the only way I

think I would have been able to have such a hot girlfriend, honestly. Somewhere right in between a teddy bear and a body pillow. By the way, that needs to be an app like hot chicks with kids that just got out of divorce and they need some comfort guy. You know that? That's me. I'm the comfort. My goodness. Wow. The only trauma she has to deal with now is you waking up in the middle of the night with a bleeding asshole. Right. And getting snacks. Growning in the middle of the night. Well, Phillip, you've been on the show a bunch lately. We're going to get you up and out of here. There goes Phillip Garcia. Everybody follow him at Phillip Garcia comedy. What do you guys think? Should we go to this bucket one more time, huh?

One more. One more. You guys really think there's some fucking talent here tonight, huh? You think someone's going to do good? How many of you think the next comedian is going to do bad make some noise? That's pretty safe, but let's see what happens. We should have her do stand up comedy. You got to get a minute. Yeah, you think you could ever do a minute. How much time do you think you have right now? You have a joke? I bet you have a joke better than that chickpea joke that the one guy did earlier. My life is a joke. My parents being proud of me is a joke. Hold on. Wait, wait, band. Hold on one second. We got to hear this. We got to hear. Kaley's going for it. This is a lot of pressure. Look out there. Let it really soak in. Kudos to y'all. Come on. You

do this all the time. Just pretend like pretend like you're naked. That's what they tell people. You can actually do that. Are they supposed to be naked? Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah. Everyone take off their clothes right now. Y'all aren't tipping me. I'm not doing shit. There you go. Kaley, everyone. Being dirty while cleaning up. Got to love it. The yellow rows and the red rows. By the way, if you have a bachelor party, you couldn't actually hire her to do bachelor parties. Yeah. If you guys come into town to see Kiltony, check out CM Smoke, do the full Kiltony experience. Go to CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres, eat some food, come to Kiltony, and then you go to the yellow rows. That's right. Red rows. Hey, check out my Instagram,

bachelor parties. I got y'all. Oh shit. That's right. Team. Hell yeah. But not naughty. Not naughty. You do clean bachelor parties. Clean. I don't know if I believe you. Every time you talk into the mic, you re-sanitize it. You must know something we don't know. What if the bachelor party's just me and I'm at a Red Roof Inn? Red Band. Stop it. God, you're disgusting. There's a Me Too movement happening. Oh. Actually, Kaley is a Me Too proof, if you're wondering, everybody. We made sure about it before hiring her for this job. We had her sign a waiver that says, and she's not ticklish. Don't even try. Only her butthole, she says. Only in her butthole? Hell yeah. Wait, we just got word she sold three bachelor parties after she made that joke.

All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Kyle Doty. Kyle Doty or Doty. I do believe it is actually. Kyle Doty. Wow, the handwriting on you motherfuckers tonight is inexcusable. Doty. Kyle Doty is next on Kill Tony. Wow. You know, my girlfriend's been watching a lot of videos about like handwriting techniques. Like you can like judge somebody about how they make their teas and shit like that. Yeah. Very psychotic. Really? Yeah. Well, you saw the Jinx, right? No. Oh yeah. You haven't watched the Jinx on HBO. It's like the greatest crime documentary of all time. And handwriting analysis. Here he is. Kyle Doty, everybody. Anton, how's it going? Guys, I just figured out that I'm a 50% white trash on my dad's side. I took a test called 23 in

Meemaw, which pretty much if anyone in your family gets called Meemaw, you're garbage. That's what it, actually, I have a mammal so it came back inconclusive. I found out because my dad just got a Marine Corps tattoo on his arm and he was never even in the Marines. You're asking when he got that for, he's like, look son, you always got a roof for the whole team, you know? I'm like, dad, we're usually the away team. When's the last time you tailgated a war? My dad watches war videos, like a fat guy watches football when the quarterback incompletes a pass and he's like, I could have made that. My dad sees a drone strike video and he's like, I could have hit that school bus, you know? I could have fucking, I could have hit that. He is a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, so regardless of if

he's watching football or war, he is rooting against the Browns though, so. Yeah. Wow, I really like that, Kyle Doty. Some of the best jokes of the night, but the interesting thing was you started with that. Was that meatball you were saying? Meatball? What did you say? Mimaw. Mimaw. Yeah, that's a real. Mimaw. Mimaw. Mimaw. I'm from Ohio. We got some Mimaw's out there. It's not an Ohio thing. What is Mimaw? That's your, yeah. Santa. Wow, yeah, I don't think, I didn't, and I feel like the audience, a lot of them at least, didn't know what you were talking about or saying. Oh, really? You guys don't have meatballs out here? Oh, you guys did know. I'm looking at my family feud table over here. They knew. Three of them are saying they knew. My guy from Boston has no fucking idea. He

seems angry about it. He's making some fucking noise if you got the Mimaw. Yeah. Oh, shit. Whoa, that's a Texas thing is what it is. Is it Texas? That's Texas shit. I'm not from here. Where are you originally from, John? I'm from Buffalo, New York. Oh, but you had Mimaw's up there? Yes, Mimaw. I've never heard of that. Yeah, I had Grandma. Mimaw and Peepaw. Yeah, Peepaw. Yeah, that's normal. Papa. Really? What the fuck? I got Mammal, Papal. I think it's more Appalachian. So why is the joke funny if you're 50% Mimaw? Because I end up saying that like I have a Mammal. 23 and Mimaw. 23 and Mimaw. It's a putt. Is he White Trash? 23 and Mimaw. It's not White Trash. Fuck that joke. I don't care what these idiots say. When you switched and you went to your dad

having a fake marine tattoo, you had me. The fact that you had a joke good enough to recover from the Mimaw insanity was impressive. I just added the Mimaw. By the way, you guys are all oohing and awing about this Mimaw thing. You didn't laugh at the Mimaw joke. I could rewind it and play it for you. It's fucking dead silence. I got it. So don't do it now, motherfuckers. When he needed you the most, you were not there. Much like I'm guessing his Mimaw right now. Is she dead? No, she actually survived COVID, which surprised the show. Oh, wow. Look at that. Those Ohio grandmas are not to be fucked with. Dude, she's been in alcoholics since 72. Shout out her only fans. There you go. Mimaw 69, actually. There you go. Okay. What part of Ohio are you from, Kyle? Columbus.

Oh, very nice. That's where red bands from. What part of Columbus? The hilltop, the west side. The north side. The hilltop. The west side. How far west of the 270? Like where all the heroin is. How far west of the 270? No, no, no. I'm still in town. In the 270? Yeah, in the 270. Oh, shit. Like on Sound West. Yeah. All right. Okay. Dirty gross. Are you just visiting here? No, I moved here. How long ago did you move here? It's been like two months. Two months. Congratulations, Kyle. Look at that. What part of town do you live in now? Just up north near Domaine. Oh, wow. You like the Domaine, huh? Bath and Body Works and shit. It's not bad. Dude, I smelled great ever since I moved here.

I bet you do. I bet you do. If you're anything like your fucking Mimaw. Did you move here for stand-up? Yeah. Yeah, I moved to San Diego during the pandemic, and that was a bad choice. Yeah, California was not the place to flee to. Yeah. That must have been weird. You're just on the freeway going west, and everybody's going the other direction. I don't know if there's that decision. My laugh. The traffic was great. I don't know why I assumed that you were there with someone that you loved. Did you come solo? Me and my sister. Oh, I was right. You're fucking your sister? Yeah, from the fucking Mimaw to the seesaw. You know what I'm talking about? That fucking, that fucking 50% white trash. Getting all up in that sister blister. You know what I'm

saying? That fucking, that fucking sissy pissy. You know what I'm talking about? Get all of it. Oh, D-Mad is discovering a zero. You know it's not good when D-Mad only has three sentences left that he's, uh... All right, Kyle, so let's talk about it. What do you do for work? Construction worker, but I'm unemployed right now. I bet you are. They don't need construction workers built like me. What kind of construction? Um, I do a lot of underground like piping and stuff, like water lines and shit. I need a deck die. Oh, look at that. Oh, wow. Your bill is not only are people getting spots for the Vulcan, but they can also book a spot making your deck. No, no, no. I just need a privacy thing. My neighbor has a hot tub and it's disgusting when I'm in the backyard.

Wait, you share a backyard? No, no, no. I could just, when I'm in my back patio, I could look over to my neighbor and he's just like, hey, red band, what's up? He calls you by your podcast. Yeah, he knows me from podcasts. Oh, shit. He's going to listen to this. That's so weird. I'm going to edit this out. Dude, I'll build you a fence, dude. I'll build you a fence. I got you. That's so frightening. Nothing weirder than a neighbor that calls a comedian by their nickname, right? No, it's fucking weird. It's so wild, man. Hey, the machine. Yeah. Imagine that. Imagine you move into a place and you don't talk to your neighbors and then some guy goes, hey, red bear, you want to get in the hard tub and he's like drying his tits off with a towel. Are you guys all have tits in that neighborhood?

Yes. It's so weird. Wow. Kyle Doty. So here you are. You're looking for a construction job currently. I'm looking for anything. What's your sister doing out here? No, she lives in San Diego. I came here solo. You guys broke up. Yeah. It was making Thanksgiving's weird. My other sisters were getting jealous. Oh, shit. Do you really have other sisters? I have four sisters. Four sisters. Are you the only boy? Middle child only boy. Wow. Look at you. My God. Anything creepy ever happened when you were a kid? Any of them tried to, I hear a lot of stories about young girls like sexually abusing their brothers at times. Like they like give them like a dry hand job or something like that. At Kosei. I wish. Wait, why is that funny? You know how much more confident

as a child out of it? If someone's trying to fuck me, dude? I was a very ugly child. No, that makes sense. That makes sense. All right. Religious family? No, my parents would drop us off at Bible study just so they didn't have to deal with us sometimes. Got you. Do you ever hook up with anyone in church? No, I was only like 12 and I wasn't the cutest boy. How about the priests? You don't remember that when it happens, right? How about the special skills or talents, Kyle? Surprise us. You must be good at something. Skills or talents. I mean, other than stand up. Yeah, not even that great at it. I knew you were going to say that. I was born without the roof of my mouth. That's a weird one. Wait a second. What? Oh my God. Well, my mom would feed me. It would

just come right out of my nose. I was like, oh, shut the fuck up. So what did they do? They put a fake roof in there? Yeah, I think some guy died. No wonder you work construction. You have a dead person's roof of the mouth? Yeah. Does it smell? I think it's an old person. I can't taste salt that much. Wait a second. You had the transplant of a fucking... What? I have no clue. I have no clue what's going on up there, but sometimes it's hard to... What did they tell you? My mom just was like, hey, you just were born without the roof of your mouth. That's all I know about it. So they did it when you were a child? Yeah, they had to put arm braces on my arm at one point and I had a big head and I would just fall over and be like a kickstand. My mom could just leave me out front

for hours. I couldn't get up because my head was so heavy. Wow. Like, do you touch the roof of your mouth right now and it's like a little creaky? Like it might give in? Yeah, it is haunted. It's like waterlogged. Not something. Oh, shit. Could I see it? I mean, it probably looks... Yeah, if you want. Oh, here we go. We're checking out the roof. Put the flashlight in there. It looks normal. It works. It does its job. I don't... Nothing comes out of my nose anymore. Did your mom like drink or smoke when she was pregnant with you? I like maybe like a pack of Marvel Reds a day, probably. That's normal. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You blew the roof off this mouth here tonight. Not really, it's stupid. You don't say to your homeboys when you walk into a room. That was

so weird, bro. Hey, what? You don't say that to your homeboys when you walk into a room. Say what? No, you just blew the roof off this mouth. Yeah, that's true. Wow. Wow. Now that you repeat it back, that may be one of the gayest things I've ever done in my life. Jeez, Louise. My God, it's good to have a... It's good to know that our keyboard artist is also like our worst enemy in the YouTube comments, everybody. Everybody here, Tony, say the fucking gayest thing ever. Blew the roof off my mouth. Boss. All right, Kyle. Well, fun times. Nice to meet you. Welcome. Another good buck I hear. Kyle Doty, everybody. He's on Instagram at KyleDComedy. All one word. He got it. All right, let's put a ribbon on this fucking thing. You

guys ready to end tonight's show, huh? No, maybe not. Okay. Well, we're going to do it anyway, even though Luke Warm responds. We ready for that, Zach? Are you sure? Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night, regular here on Kill Tony, just freshly a couple of weeks recovered from the coronavirus. Not recovered from ALS, Luke Erick's disease, which has plagued him for a couple of years, but this guy continues to write a brand new minute every single week, because he is a regular on Kill Tony. He's an absolute legend in the history of the show. One of the funniest humans ever, a fan favorite. The only guy that could get us out on an episode like this. Former star from Chicago, 20 years at the improv second city game. Got diagnosed with

ALS, decided to chase his dream of being a standup comedian. Now he's one of the best in the world. Here is a brand new minute from the great and powerful Michael Lehrer, everybody. Yeah. The West Coast has something to say. Yeah, baby. Fucking awesome. It's not a music city. Austin is a food city. But musicians are like savages with craft services. So you make the best food. The musicians was there. But what you don't know is you're so good at food, but you're fucking cunts about everything else. All right. Get off your fucking high horse. The music isn't only here because your food is so fucking good. All right. My boozy Caldeas is calling out all the root customer service. All right.

Yeah. Austin does not export rock and roll. Austin exports Cal. That's why everyone is such a fucking asshole. You're walking around on Southern glass from the fucking gal from the three-wing marinade barbecue that is fucking up your fucking foot. I'm tired of this person. I'm putting on notice that the West Coast has something to say. And that bangers on rainy stream. All right. Just because you serve broad worse doesn't mean you should treat your customers like they're at a concentration camp. All right. I agree. I'll plug you in. You're 10 other hot dogs. Get off your fucking cunt horse. I could not agree with you more. I agree with everything he said. 100 percent of everything.

The food runs the city. For those of you that just haven't been here and don't know the food really runs this city. And I agree with everything, especially the fact that bangers is the most overrated place in the entire city. I would like to let you know. What is it? I agree. It's called bangers. They serve dirty hot dogs and have horrible customer service. The only bad customer service. The only place that's blacklisted by me. I tell everybody. Really. I go if you want to be my friend, you just got to make me one promise. You're not allowed to go to bangers. I blacklist restaurants every day. I cancel restaurants like S.A.W. motherfuckers cancel comedies. All right. I'm not playing. Like I'm here to eat and do comedy.

And like your assholes. Like how about we're in the club. There's 100 people ass to ass. But no, I can't have a paper menu because they're COVID. I fuck you. I don't want to scan a menu and go into the matrix. I want to order a fucking food in there. Your food is good, but you're looking the worst people in America. What about the people exactly? What is it? What do you think? What do you think? What is it about them? Well, I have been answering every question. I don't say shit arbitrarily. So to answer your question, recently America is very different. And I'm 42, so I got to live in a lot of places. And here, they're so good at food. They're like, we can be assholes about everything else.

Right. Yeah. I agree with you. They don't realize. Like it's like they try to push other things on the transplants, I think. Like people are like, well, wait till you go swimming in Barton Springs. And I'm like, oh, I get to get in the same giant pool with you and a bunch of people sweating out banger sweat. No, thank you. I'm going to one of my new 30 favorite restaurants. Exactly. And food goes a long way. Yeah. So it's really good, you know, but like, I don't know, like food isn't everything. And I'm here to eat delicious food. It's true. I mean, people don't realize everybody's here for the food. Like if someone wanted to do a terrorist attack on Austin, they could just replace the salt with sugar and fuck up the

whole city's tourism for a week. Yeah. Where's my sodium levels at? Go ahead. When we defunded the police here, we took away the option from switching from savory to sweet. And you're a fuck. You're a fucking criminal. But I'm here and I'm here to be turning. Yeah. Absolutely. I just decided right then when you were in the middle of that sentence, I'm going to let you talk. Uh-huh. Now, I've turned the threshold, you know, like we just killed 2,500. And before that, both I bought them with cocaine and I got corn. It is true. He really, really the bottoming out from cocaine. I really just think that they just

tested positive for Corona, but I think it was mostly the cocaine. I think it truly snorted the Corona virus at one point off a mirror. They knew that. Now, but I'm here. I am here on the world's biggest open mic. I bet 50 to 200,000 people hear what I have to say every fucking week. How fucking nice is that? But no, I mean fucking of course. All right. Like to the rest of y'all, fucking batter up, bring that shit. Like everyone talks to me like I got what I have because of my disease and not just fighting. I'm in the fucking lab all day every day while you're bitching in the morning and I'm getting better and better. Wow. And so you want to fuck with me?

We're here every Monday. The West Coast got something. What is it? What do you keep reference? Is this a new branding? You're planting some seeds for some real branding? The West Coast has something to say because you started your set by saying that and then you went in immediately into something totally different and I'm like, wow, this is some real. Yeah, the West Coast. But you're not the West Coast anymore. You're originally from upstate New York and then Chicago. What's up, son? Look at my outfit. I'm Cali, baby. You bought that at Ross in Indiana. I bought that at Oakley in Oakley. You look like Stephen Hawking's at the X Games. Yeah. Yeah, he's like Tony Hawking.

Teamwork, Norman and Hinchcliffe 2024. By the way, he sounds like he has no roof of his mouth. One of my favorite parts of watching Michael up here doing an extended set for the third time in a row, two minutes and 20 seconds, breaking a previously held record for two and a half minutes and then followed up by seven minutes of a killer interview. And my favorite part of it is the whole time from my viewpoint is in the lit up staircase. I can see the first regular that you saw William Montgomery literally malving apologies to me about his performance to start the show. So some of the fun things that I get to see when which I'm trying not to laugh and pay attention to the show, but it's just William lit up in the back going, I'm sorry.

Hilarious. Michael just owning it. You would think William was the one with a disease that's going to kill him in months to years. Well, I mean, here's the thing. Nobody laughed at that. That made it weird. He knows he's gonna. All right. We need is my strength. My disease is your care. Wow. The West Coast does have something to say. Holy shit. That's the West Coast. I'm guessing we're going to see a new t-shirt released by Michael Lair this week. That's my guess. Guys, how loud can this place get for the fucking great Michael Lair everybody? We did it again. Guys, make some noise for the great Ali Mikovsky

or the resting bitch podcast. Mark Norman Tuesdays with stories. We might be drunk and out to lunch on YouTube. Check out his special guys. Make some noise for the band. John D's on the keys. The Fixed Vodka band. Fixed Vodka. Go to FixedVodka.com. Get yourself a bottle. High alkaline vodka. Yellow rose, red rose. We love you. Make some noise for Matt Mueling on guitar, everybody. Follow him at Mutation. John D's is on social media. John Keys with Justin O, J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z. I'm going to hand for D Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Come on. And Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Drawing the whole time while you guys were sitting there doing nothing. We had two artists drawing tonight. Let's make some noise for the great Ryan J. E. Bell. Everything's available at RyanJBell.com. Don't forget, you guys can walk right up to this stage after the show and buy one of the Kill Tony 500 posters from him or a brand new Kill Tony, the coloring book. Wow, look at that. Ali Mikovsky in the middle there. Look at you, heavily featured. Wow, she's showing her butt. I think he just drew the very end when you pulled your chair out for Michael. Wow, that looks exactly like Mark Norman. Look at that pooper. That looks like me and that looks like red band. A very thin version of red band. You must love that. Yeah,

you must love that. I wonder if the paper stretches out like that. Come on. RyanJBell.com for all those prints. You can get a poster or a coloring book right now after the show. And of course, the great Chris Rogers has something to show us. What is it tonight? Oh, that's fucking spawn. Spawn. Spawn. Someone's going to get it. Someone's getting spawned. Local artist Chris Rogers. Chris Rogers Art, RyanJBell.com for all prints, including posters from your favorite city and stuff like that. What else? Thank you again to Kaley from the Red Rose and their sister company, the Yellow Rose, one of the best places in town. Thanks to Yoni at Best Barbecue Show and our friends over at CM Smokehouse for keeping us fed.

CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres, one of the coolest places to go. It's great for dinner, of course, but I prefer it for lunch. You show up at Bolden Acres, the vibe, the picnic tables, there's a whole energy there. You can have some drinks during the day. So real lovely energy, highly recommended. Hey guys, Thursday, we have a show at Vulcan Desquad Secret Show every Thursday or Wednesday, sometimes at Vulcan Gas Company. A lot of people you will see here on stage or at the show come out. Yeah, it's a crazy week. I'm actually, like I said earlier, if you can't make Thursday come out on Friday or Saturday, I'm doing two stand up shows coincidentally this week for the first time ever in Austin, a Friday and a Saturday with different friends on each

shows. We'll see what happens. It should be pretty crazy. Yeah. So he mentioned bangers. Fuck that place. Yes. But there's a place next door called Half Step and tomorrow night I'll be playing there with the Jazz Band. Okay. Michael Hill, Oregon Trio. What time tomorrow night? 9 to 11. 9 to 11. I'll probably be there. Who knows? We might be there. We went yesterday. We had so much fun at the Van Zand Hotel. We went and had some brunch, caught John playing with the Michael Hill Trio and we support all these guys anytime we get a chance to go see him live. We do. That's the move. D-Madness has shows every Thursday. What's the name of that place again, D? Okay. D's going out of town. I don't even think he knows what town he's going to exactly.

We have an announcement. Yes. We are working on the Kill Tony album. Whoa. And it's going down. So stay tuned. I love that. Kill Tony, the album for the first time ever. Yeah, it's going down. I fucking love that. You like that? I love it. It's never been done before. The great John D's leading the band to a whole new evolution here on Kill Tony. Again, special thanks to Mark Norman. But if you're listening to this show, you know who he is. The badass out of New York City. Thank you. Mark, Allie, come hang out again with us soon. Hell yeah. Thank you, live audience so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Praise Allah. You