KILL TONY - #505 - TIM DILLON

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

Tim Dillon, Jon Keyz, Zac Bogus, Michael Lehrer, David Lucas, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/19/2021

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every podcast we do at Death Squad can be found on our website DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website ShopSquad.tv for everything merch. We have Death Squad hats and shirts and Kill Tony shirts. Go to ShopSquad.tv. If you want to find out anything about Tony Hinchcliff and his tour and his merch, you can go to TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist.

He draws every episode and you go to RyanJEbelt.com to get your books and prints. And if you want to see us live, you can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Not only do we have a show every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we are always on tour. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Antones in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony geared up for Tony Hinchcliff. Austin, Texas. Come on.

This is a real live show. Make some fucking noise, everybody. We're here. Brian Red Band's here. Hey, everybody. There it is. Audience reaction. Fun to be here at our new home at Antones in beautiful downtown Austin, Texas.

Home of the Blues. You guys excited for a fun night tonight, huh? How about a hand for the band, everybody? John Dees, Matt Mueling, the great Michael Gonzalez coming off a Mexican drum off of the ages at episode 500. This guy went wild, got a poncho and a sombrero for the occasion. But as we know, Joel Berg is one tough cookie to defeat. Maybe we'll have a rematch in the future.

What do you think, Michael? Let's do it again. Oh, he wants to run it back. We have Chris Rogers Art here drawing something. Who knows what? It's a blank slate right now. Of course, we have the great Ryan GE belt all the way in Los Angeles, California, drawing tonight's episode.

He draws every episode, tons of art happening all the time here of different shapes and sizes. Fun times. Austin, Texas. You guys ready for tonight's episode? Before we start it, here's a little bit from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you listening right now. Let's take a quick second and thank one of our newest sponsors and a big fan of what we do here at Kill Tony, Fume.

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Austin owned. And Austin groaned. Oh. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, we've had a lot of fun guests here in Austin so far and this one is the one that I have been waiting months for. This young man, I've always said, is one of my favorite stand-up comedians in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Austin Zone. Make some noise for my funny friend. His name is Tim Dillon, everybody. Come on. Oh, shit. It's really him. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Tim, famously guest of the year, 2018, 2018. Is that true? Is that true? On kiltony. That's great.

You and Donnell Rawlings, they're running for that and you edged them out because you never walked out on us. Tim, welcome back. I'm happy to be in Austin. I'm here. I'm homeless. Homeless. Yeah.

I thought you had that big mansion that you had. No, I did for a bit, but then I just looked at everyone in the tents and they're having so much fun. And so I just got in one of them and we're starting a tech company, me and three of my friends as soon as we get some insulin, you know, step by step. Beautiful. What a way to fit in with the other Austinites here. So Tim, you know how it works and you people out there probably know how it works.

A bunch of people signed up for the chance to come on this stage. Crazy. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. If they don't wrap it up then, they're going to bring out the angry fifth street bear. You don't want to hear that and all the extra noises for some reason. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Yeah.

Come on, Austin. This is the number one live podcast in the world. You guys ready to start this shit? There we fucking go. All right. Here we go. Anything can happen. There's tons of people upstairs.

There's tons of people on the sidewalk. Look at that, Tim. You see that out there? Both sides of the sidewalk. Those people waiting. That's where they live. Your first Canadian going up tonight. Anything can happen.

Could be homeless. Could have a mansion. Could be his first time. Might be a 30-year local veteran of the game. Make some noise for Andrew Scardino going first tonight. It's always a tough spot. Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony live from Antones with the great guest Tim Dillon.

Band is playing. We're waiting to see where Andrew Scardino is going to be coming from. We're waiting to see some movement, some confirmation. How many of you love HEB, the grocery store? All right. I love it. I love HEB, too, everybody. Tim, you've been to an HEB yet?

Big beans are a dollar. That's what I like about it. That's a dollar for a good size of big beans. What do they do? I don't know what that means. No, Andrew Scardino. Wow. How people sign up for this show and then miss their spot is beyond me.

Oh, he's coming. Running from the back, everybody. We have three producers over here. Is anybody down there yelling? Okay. I guess so. Over here. Here comes Andrew Scardino.

Where is he at? Oh, going the wrong way. This is his first time at the show. This should be exciting. It's always fun when the person doesn't know how to get on the stage. And he's just taking his time. Very telling of the fun to come. Here he comes.

One more time. Make some noise for Andrew Scardino. So I started seeing this new girl and we're fooling around in bed and she says to me, I want you to treat me like a slave. I'm like, whoa. Okay. And she was Jewish. So I left the room, came back dressed as an Egyptian pharaoh, told her to get out.

Was that the grocery store earlier? There was a woman in a wheelchair missing one leg. Oddly enough, a guy other end of the store rolling towards her in a wheelchair missing his other leg. And ever since I saw that, I've been wanting to play Tetris for some reason. I don't know, really why. Had a real awkward moment recently. I was in the sauna looking around thinking, why am I the only one naked in here?

That's when I realized it was a hot yoga class. Thank you, guys. Okay. Andrew Scardino getting out at 57 seconds. What was that last joke? You were in a sauna by yourself? No. Get to the microphone.

Looking around thinking, why am I the only one naked in here? It was a hot yoga class. Oh, you were the only one naked in there. Is that thing at HEB true? Yeah, earlier today. Really? You see a lot of shit at HEB. That's like the mildest thing I've seen is a legless person.

You see a legless person, you're like, someone's in shape, you know? That is the Texas way to drop 30 pounds. Just chop off a leg. Andrew, how long have you been on stand-up for? First time. First time ever on stage? How about that? Only this show.

Can you see something quite like that? Incredible, Andrew. How old are you? 28. And this is something you've always wanted to do? In the recent years. Do you normally wear glasses? No.

Really? You seem like the kind of guy that took off your glasses to perform tonight. You sort of have those wobbly, wet eyes that people have when they take off their glasses and they really shouldn't. Has anyone ever told you that you look like you just took off glasses? First time. Well, there's a first time for everything tonight. Maybe that means he needs glasses.

Maybe because you have like a squinty look to your eyes. Do you have bad eyes? 2020 vision. Really? At least that's what I think. I see pretty clearly. Those people at H-E-B both had two legs and you just fucked up. Andrew, what do you do for work?

Just moved here working in a bar, but I'm an engineer usually. Oh, an engineer. That's today's economy for you. Formerly an engineer, now he's bar backing on Dirty Six. What do you do at the bar? Door guy. Door guy. You remind me kind of of George W. Bush.

I don't know why. That's a compliment. Yeah, you have a cadence that's kind of like Bush. Thank you. Yes. I dig it. How about in your normal life, Andrew, what do you do for fun? Like what makes you special?

Any fun facts about Andrew that we should know about? Well, I moved here to play music. I'm a musician. Oh, what type of musician? Blues. I play harmonica. You play harmonica? Do you have a harmonica on you by any chance?

I sure do. Whoa. Yeah. Andrew, why don't you play us a little diddly on the harmonica? How many of you want to see Andrew play the harmonica, huh? Let's see if this guy has one talented bone in his body. Let's find out right now. Uh-oh.

He's looking at the band. I think he's waiting for them to look at him. Maybe they're going to coordinate something. Nope, nope. There's a beat. Oh, shit. Is this planned out? Boa, blues.

Boa, blues. Wow. There it is. Incredible. Incredible. And also, not only was that great, but it was also funnier than your set. Of course. It's incredible.

Very rarely is harmonica playing better than jokes. Have you ever had a harmonica, Tony? Uh-huh. Uh, yes. Did you do like the typical just, that's all I could do is like breathe in and breathe out through it. And that's, did you ever get to play it? Yeah, no.

I have an ear for music. Is harmonica hard though? It feels like anyone can do it. It is. It's very easy. It's like a child's music thing, right? So you get a two year old that can do that. Yeah, absolutely.

This guy's playing the fucking blues clues up there. It's like a recorder. Andrew, incredible. The harmonica. You ever use that to help get action in the bedroom? You ever hook up with someone that ever worked for you? Maybe once. Okay.

Maybe once? Or did it happen? Once. Okay. Can you tell us how that went down exactly? Can you like reenact it for us? Yeah, I was in a bar. They were playing blues and played a little harmonica.

Uh-huh. You had a bar playing? And a girl came up to me and said, that was cool. And started talking from there and ended up. You had sex with her right there at the bar? Yes. Was she six years old? Or was she wearing Oshkosh?

Why would she be six? Because she liked the harmonica. Oh, kids like the harmonica. That's right. Okay. They don't really. Kids hate the harmonica. Yeah.

You know. Yeah. Kids like drums. Yeah. So do women. Women? And guitars. And even keyboards.

Really, every instrument's ahead of the harmonica. I play guitar too. Oh, you do, just in case. All right. The guy from Blues Traveler made a career out of the harmonica. That guy. Only one. One guy who did it.

Yeah. He was big. Blues Traveler. Big boy. He was. He was a big guy. John Popper. But he lost it.

Lost it. Is he alive still? I think so. Yeah. That is shocking. He was at the comedy store like a year and a half ago. Was he real? Two girls on each arm.

Skinny. Yeah, he's rich. Yeah, he's skinny now, though. These people, you know, like just like Adele, when they get skinny, it's like, it's not the same person. Adele looks bad, both fat and skinny, though. Let's be honest. She's atrocious looking.

It's in the teeth. That's the problem. It's true. It's got a very fish-like mouth. Andrew, is there anything else crazy about your life that we should know about, about your family or about your history or anything like that? Well, I'm from Georgia and growing up I had a family of pet raccoons. People think that's interesting.

This isn't going to get racist, right? Yeah. It sounds like. No. Is that just what your parents and grandparents called them? Right. No. How do you have a family of raccoons?

How does that start? You start feeding them and they get accustomed to it and friendly. This is getting really racist. Did they do like work around the yard or anything like that? Landscaping. Alright. Okay. Weren't you scared of them to like accidentally bite you and maybe get rabies or something

or did you? Yeah, one of them did have rabies that had to put them down old yellow style and they didn't come around it. Who shot him? I shot him. You shot a raccoon. Did you shoot him in the back of the head or was it like a, like how'd you do it? I was from the porch.

So just wherever it hit him, you shot him from like far away. Yeah. Thirty feet. Thirty feet. With a what? Shotgun. A shotgun. Wow.

Put them out quick. That's a big weapon for such a little raccoon. Little kid too. How old were you when you shot a raccoon? About 13. 13. That's what made you a man. Had chest hair ever since.

Yeah. Wow. Maybe it was just the raccoon hair, residual raccoon hair. It did go flying. So yeah, it could be. Alright, Andrew. Fun times. Congratulations on your first ever set and thanks for getting the show started for us.

Thank you. There he goes. Andrew Scardino. He's at Scarpeggio on Instagram. I'm going to pull a name out now so that they can start walking to the stage. Mitch Brown is next. So look everybody, it's Kaylee from the red rose and the yellow rose. How many of you like strip clubs out there, huh?

The two best strip clubs in the city are the yellow rose and the red rose. In the country. Instead of having one of our hideous producers change the microphones, the great Kaylee joins us from the red rose. Thank you, Kaylee. She was a guest on Brian Holtzman's podcast this week, so check it out. Oh, okay. Alright.

Oh wait, Mitch Brown. Is Mitch here? Here comes Mitch Brown, everybody. Here we are. On to the next one. 60 seconds from Mitch Brown. My problem with God theory is that we blame everything on the women. You try telling a woman, well, anything today.

But more importantly, that they came from an extra rib. We men had floating around. I think it came from something far more sensible. I think we men had to evolve a motherfucker to survive. Do you imagine mom and dad walking in on little Jimmy, ankles behind his head, dead from autoerotic asphyxiation, shit all over his face. Mom yells at dad like, you got it from you, cock sucker. You're a cock sucker.

You're done. 40 seconds, that's it. Do you also play the harmonica? Because you better have an instrument right now. You better pull out a fiddle real fucking quick. And this better be your first time ever doing stand up too. Uh oh, that laugh tells me it's not. That's a minute right there.

Mitch, what the fuck, dude? How's that for an opening question? How long have you been doing stand up? Almost two years. Almost two years, and that's what you chose to go with. Yes. 40 seconds of just curiosity. That's it.

I love it. Two years. How often do you perform? How often do you practice this art form? Most nights. Most nights is the answer that was given your honor. Every night. Wow.

Well, he's rusty because of COVID, right? Isn't that right? That's right. That's right. I love it. You're making excuses for this fucking civil war reenactor up here. Mitch. Yes.

What's your best like short joke? Do you have a one like go to that you like to use that you've come up with in the past two years? I wrote one two days ago. It's pretty one liner. Okay. Let's do it. Let's do a one liner. What did the elephant in the room say to the orca?

Huh. What did he say? Well, this is awkward. What did the orca say back? What? Blow me. I'm a dolphin. Wow.

There you go. Red band saving you with sound effects because he has both a whale and a dolphin. Why was that funny? It wasn't. It wasn't. I'll be the referee and just let you know. That was your best joke in two years that you wrote two days ago. Interesting.

Interesting. There's a guy who went to H.E.B. today and somehow nailed a better joke than you. Mitch, what do you do for work? I moved here in January for comedy. I'm going to school right now on GI Bill, so I've been doing that for the last couple years. Oh, you fought in the military? Yes.

Okay. What branch? Navy. Oh, give this guy a hand, everybody. Now it makes sense. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

The Navy is fake. What? I mean, what did you do? I was a K-9 handler and trainer, 10 and a half years. Take applause back. A K-9 handler? Yes, sir. They have dogs in the Navy?

There's less than about 300 of us or less, yeah. 300 dogs? I mean, it's about, say, a dog and a half per team. Okay. What do the K-9s do in the Navy? Find explosives, drugs, people. Drown. Find explosives and drugs.

Drugs, people, yeah. Buildings. But where does the Navy do that? Where does the Navy look for drugs? I was never a drug dog. It was an explosive dog. Okay. Did your dog ever find any explosives?

Yeah. We were in Afghan 11 to 12. Okay. So they sniff out, like, landmines and things like that. IEDs. Did dogs ever, like, go to sniff a landmine and sniff it and set it off? Yes. Oh, that's gotta be it.

Yeah, it didn't go well that day. That's a Disney movie you don't see. Yeah, right? Yeah, wow. That's incredible. Have you ever seen that happen? You ever have that happen? We're a little German shepherds out there just fucking...

No, Block and I did well. Okay, that's good. You ever get to see the dog anymore? What happened to your dog? After I left the command, he had an accident. He ended up getting bloat. That's where his stomach flipped with his next handler and he ended up dying. His stomach flipped?

Mm-hmm. Wow. Geez, oh man. That is the most depressing answer to any question I've ever gotten in the history of the show. I thought he had an accident. He, like, peed on the floor or something like that. Yeah, no.

His stomach flipped. That's a while. There's a little nightmare for you to have while your dog's away right now, live audience. Just picture. That could happen any dog at any point. Don't worry, your dog's not a hero out there. My dog is not a hero. My goodness, Mitch.

Well, that's interesting. What do you do for fun? Like, what else are you into other than stand up? Really, into theater. I just finished Hamlet. I rewrote Hamlet song. Really? Would you be willing to do a scene from Hamlet in front of this audience?

How many of you want to see him do what he does best? Do you remember what happened with the Harmonica guy? Yeah, Mitch. The whole crowd wants that you don't have a choice. Right audience? I don't have a choice. Yeah, look out there, Mitch. I know.

Coming 2021. Believe me, it's just the playwright part. It's a total difference. I would. I work on... There's actually an open mic at the park that I go in the comics. We'll actually read some of the characters and stuff. And they've done it with me.

A little Shakespeare in the park. So why don't you do a few lines for us now? Yeah, why don't you just do a fucking line? There's an audience going crazy right now, Mitch. Mitch, do a fucking line from the fucking Hamlet, dude. From the Hamlet? Okay. Oh.

I don't even... That is the question, to be or not to be. No, come on. Are you finishing a fucking Heckler's Hamlet shit right now? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh. Did you see our the Harmonica guy borrow someone else's fucking Harmonica before playing? I know.

You said you do the Hamlet. Oh, I'm in the theater. That's what you said. I know. I haven't... There's been studying Shakespeare like that and doing what I did. What did you learn from... You fucking unbelievable, Mitch.

No wonder your fucking dog's stomach turned backwards. You know what I'm saying? Oh, come on. You guys are gonna groan on a Monday. Pussies in this audience tonight, I tell ya. All right, Mitch, I'm gonna let you off the hook here. I like your style. I like it.

There's not enough PTSD comedians performing nowadays is what I always say, you know? But anything can happen. I think that it's all gonna work out for you. Did you get another dog? Yeah, at my next command. You go dog stay with the command. Okay. You pick up a couple dogs at the next command.

So you're still like active. No, I got... No, I got medically retired in 2017. Okay. Something out. Well, we'll get a dog. Oh, yeah, dog. And don't kill this one.

There he goes. Mitch Brown, everybody is on social media at oddmitchbrown. We're moving on to the next one. Mitch can handle my dog jokes. He laughed. Do you guys all groaning and shit? It's depressing. God.

What's depressing, Red Band? That whole last eight minutes. Pudge Fernandez is next. Kaylee's here again, everybody, keeping us all safe from the wild coronavirus. Switching out microphones. She wears a mask. She takes it very seriously. A lot of people don't know this, but the yellow roses has a famous cheeseburger.

So, even if you're not into... They have the same menus. What? They have the same menus. They have the same menus. The yellow rose and the red rose both have world-famous cheeseburgers. Why are they world-famous? I guess they're just delicious.

I don't know. I don't know how anything becomes world-famous, but... Hey, it's Pudge Fernandez, everybody. Make some noise for Pudge, everybody. What's up, Austin? Happy to be here. I'm visiting. I love traveling because every time I meet new people,

they always have this thing where they assume I'm Latino. Actually, I'm only half Latino. My mom is from Columbia and my father is missing. I'm from New York City. We're right now. The rent is so high in New York City. It's forcing people to live with each other, like me and my wife.

We want to get a divorce, but we can't afford it because the rent is so high. And every time we have an argument, it's always the same thing. I hate you. I hate you. You cheated on me. You cheated on me first. Get the hell out. The rent is due.

Maybe we should work things out. I'm from Queens, New York. You guys been to Queens? A lot of people don't know, but Queens is the most diverse borough out of all New York City. We are so diverse. I remember growing up, every race had their own personal cab service.

Swear to God, the Indians had their own cab service. The Mexicans had their own cab service. The blacks had the NYPD. Damn, Pudge. Everyone was getting a ride just not all to the same place. Pudge Fernandez, ladies and gentlemen, doing his full minute and then some. Welcome to the show, Pudge.

Thank you, Matt. Thank you. Happy to be here. I love it. New York, New York strong. What's up, Tim? I love it, brother. You remind me of home.

Yeah, that's where we're from, bro. Yeah, that's true. Long Island Queens? Long Island Queens, bro. We're connected. We are. Absolutely. I love it.

Look at you guys. Borough brothers over here. That's right. Pudge, welcome to the show. This is your first time joining us, right? Yeah, man. First time. Been in Texas for about three, four weeks,

running around, getting out. Okay. Are you living here now? Plotting. Plotting. This is like my scouting tour. Okay. What does your wife back in New York think about you out here

plotting for weeks? She's not happy. Okay. She's not totally on board with the comedy thing, but we'll see what happens. I'm plotting. I'm moving is what I'm doing. So I don't know if she's coming.

She doesn't support your comedy. Fuck that bitch. You know what I'm saying, Pudge? Do you have kids? Yeah, but they're grown. So it doesn't matter. Fuck the kids. You're good, dude.

You're good. Absolutely. They're grown. How old are they? Eight or nine? Yeah, exactly. In the Latino world, that's a grown-up. They're grown.

They already have two jobs. They're just got their shots. Two jobs, their own fucking bird scooter, hot-wired. Pudge, is it true that you're only half Latino? Or was that just a joke? You're fully Latino, right? A guy named Pudge Fernandez. Well, yeah, you know, every joke has its truth.

I really haven't seen my father since I was nine. So yeah, he's missing for sure. Okay. Well, surprise, surprise. We're bringing him out here. Pudge Fernandez, senior ladies and gentlemen. How about the story with you and your wife? Do you guys really cheat on each other?

Yeah. Awesome. It's 26 years on and off, a lot of gaps, a lot of fuck-ups. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And you guys still are trying to make it work. Why do you think you're still trying to make it work if you guys like fucking other things?

I guess because we just like fucking period. That's the best part. Okay. And that's what's keeping us together. Have you fucked anyone since your little Texas trip started? No. No. Not yet.

All right. Do you think she has? Who knows? I don't know. Can we call her right now and ask her? Can you call her? Put her on speakerphone. Just ask her.

Fuck it. Yeah. How many of you want Pudge to call his wife? I think we have to do it, Pudge. Let's end this marriage tonight. All right. I can't wait. Somebody's going to pick up.

Let's see if she picks up. She's actually packing. Put the bottom. Put the bottom. Yeah, right there. Is it on speaker? Yeah. Turn your volume all the way up.

Put the bottom of it right up against the tip of that microphone. Right against the tip. Hey, babe. What's up? Hey. I'm doing a show live right now. You're on the show. Okay.

I told them about us cheating. Yeah. They want to know if you're fucking anybody in New York right now while I'm here in Texas. Unfortunately not. I love you. I love you too. The rent is due, right? Anything else?

No, sweetheart. Okay, I'm busy. I bet she is. Hopefully not with anybody else. Have a good night, babe. Hell yeah. Thank you, sir. That's right.

Holy shit. That's a good woman. You got to keep her. Yeah. That's a good, that's a... Yeah, that's a fucking keeper right there. I mean, keep cheating on her. But yeah, keep her around.

You know what I mean? Have your fun. You know what I mean? I'll see what I can do. That's so great. That went absolutely perfectly. Who has cheated more? You or her?

No one knows. That's a good one. He thinks the answer is him. I'm going to say me. I used to be a soldier, so I got around. Oh, okay. What branch of the military were you in? Army.

I was stationed in Fort Hood. That's why I love Texas. Okay. Absolutely. Fort Hood. Sounds like you have some. All right. That's not exactly a military crowd right here.

That means hello. Pudge, what do you like to do for fun? What else in your life? Do you have any hobbies or anything other than stand-up? Nah, comedy is it, period. Really? You don't have a flight simulator? You don't play darts?

I watch the Mets. Oh, man. There you go. That is the most New York shit humanly possible. It's one thing to be a Yankees fan, but Mets, that's a whole other level. Yeah, sometimes it's six feet under level, but let's see how it...

Absolutely. My goodness. Pudge, any other fun facts about your life that we would find interesting before we met you? Was it in the military? Did you do any tours in the military? No, no. Eight years in the infantry, not a scratch.

Right. I feel like they don't send a lot of pudges out to the real battlegrounds. You know what I mean? Yeah, I got lucky. I guess I got lucky. Yeah. Fucking Pudge can't even do his push-ups right.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Is Pudge a nickname or is it just a... Actually, there was a nickname that I got while I was in the Army. Okay. When I had graduated infantry school, you know, I was thin as a rail.

Then when I got to Fort Hood and got it back into my eating habits, I started gaining it back, and my rumor was like, yo, Pudge, we got a PT test coming up. Yo, you know, so it kind of stuck from there. Good shit. What kind of guys did your wife cheat on you with,

do you know? Little white guys like me, or was it also Latino guys? According to the grapevine, there were Latinos. Oh, Latinos in the grapevine. That makes sense. I love that. She was a Susia.

Okay. I thought maybe she went from Pudge to Fudge. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, Mama. All right. Okay. No comment. All right, Pudge.

I mean, such a fun set. I love your energy. I love it when, you know, rock solid New York comics come out here and show their stuff. So thank you very much. Pudge Fernandez, everybody. Thank you, Tim.

Thank you, guys. Pudge Fernandez, everyone. P-U-D-G-E Fernandez. It's a fun one. Look out for Pudge. He's on the rise. Speaking of military, Kaylee was actually a Marine.

Is that true? Yeah. Wow. I don't know that. Is that true, Kaylee? Yeah, it was. All right. She seems shy about it.

I don't know. Phil Lombardo is next. You weren't in the military? I broke my feet. Is this true? Yeah. She was in the military and she broke both of her feet.

Wow. She was a Marine. How about a hand for Kaylee, everybody? Fighting for our country. Yes. Making all the women in the room immediately mad and jealous at the same time. It's always an exciting element to the show.

Ladies love it. The ladies absolutely hate it. All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Phil Lombardo. Phil Lombardo is next on Kill Tony. Here he is, everybody. One more time for Phil. Hello, hello.

I would like to start with an impression of a very funny comedian named Carlos Mencia. Mr. Trouble-Meter hangs around when he hears this mighty sound. Here I come to save the day. All right. All right. Enough of that.

All right. Thank you. Thank you. Brian. Brian Redband. I like you, but you really, you kind of look like Tom Segora's extra skin suit. I don't know how else to put it.

No, I'm just kidding. I don't like you. I'm just kidding. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Phil Lombardo is just a hard bomb

and then tried to insult one of the cast members. Boy, that never goes well, Phil. Almost my plan, but not really. Almost what? Never mind. How do you make an unfunny Carlos Mencia joke? I don't even know how that's possible. By doing this only five or six times.

Five or six times. There we go. Starting again because you can't even help it. Life is eating you alive right now, Phil. It's incredible. Sometimes you can't avoid it. I don't know. Okay.

Yeah. So you've only done this five or six times. Yes, sir. You live here in Austin? Yeah. I just moved in October. Where'd you move from? New York.

New York. Yes, sir. You never did stand up in New York? I did it like three or four times. The other times they, I didn't even end up doing comedy. I just made people feel uncomfortable. Yeah. It seems to be your special.

I know. But on purpose. And you've continued that. Yeah. Hopefully it won't continue. Yeah. At least it's different. What's the goal out of the comment?

Like what would you like to do? So I've been an entertainer since I'm 13. While she's since I'm like 12. But I just started doing stand up. What kind of entertainer? I was, I started doing like when I was really young. I did magic, but then I was an actor. I'm still an actor.

Really? Can you do a scene from something? Can you show us a scene? How many of you want to see Phil do a scene from something? Phil, just fucking do it. Don't, don't let your instincts that made you do that Carlos Mencia joke take over right now. I don't, I don't really don't have anything that I can do.

I don't know. You're not an actor then. Yeah. You're just a shitty magician. You're an actor. Good point. Good point. Can you do a magic trick?

Can you do a magic trick? Yeah. No. You can't do that either. You can only get him a deck of cards or a loaded gun. So out of all the things that you said that you can do, what else can you do? I'm really good at serving people food. Oh.

What do you do that? Yeah. What's that? What do you do that? I used to do it in New York. Now I'm just a concierge. Actually, why I'm here, you were visiting Ron and you told me the show was in town. So that's why I came.

We're, oh, at Ron's building? Yeah. Oh shit, you're the concierge at Ron's building? Yeah. And I told you to come do this? Yeah. Oh. Thanks a lot, Tony.

This is his fault. We were in an elevator together. His fault. Not mine. In the elevator, am I right? Yeah. Oh, son of a bitch, man. Thanks a lot, Tony.

You're trying to get to yourself, man. I really fucked up. Yeah. Oh my God. This is my doing. I can't believe that my instincts made this happen. I thought you were just going to come watch the show. I didn't think you were going to come up with a book and all that.

Well, you know, I can't help it. Is there anything good in the joke book? You want to try? No, there's no jokes in here. Actually, it's just writing and drawing. Writing of what? I'm pretty good at drawing. What are you writing?

Poetry and stories. Can you do a poem? Yeah, good question. I can do part of a poem. I do a part of a poem. How many of you want to hear a part of a poem from this book? Come on. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's see what happens. Yeah. This is very exciting. Sorry, just one second here. This is very rarely are we excited to hear somebody do a poem. Nobody's ever excited. I like your energy.

You have like an interesting energy. Yeah. It's like a guy who's mad. He's being pulled over with a woman in his trunk. You know, he's like frustrated. He's angry. You must have seen that. He's like, God damn it.

Fuck it. Alrighty. Let's see here. So I need not be all pundit-y when relaying blunt, imprecise realities. The vote has come to these auto-aligned learning curvies. It is being brought upon us, making sure that one too many and uncapped stems shown all questions of where and when when instigating change through monotonous monopolies were manifesting.

All right. We're going to stop you there. I mean, that is somehow inexplicably worse than the set. Yeah. Whoa. We're going to do something really special here. This is going to be the first time that we cut off someone's head on the show, everybody. We're going to cut Phil's fucking head off and we're going to leave it on the table for

the next two or three episodes. It would be entertaining. It would be. It should be entertaining. Yeah. It would be, Phil. All right. Tell us.

It's too wordy. The poem was, it's too. I know. It's too wordy. I know. I didn't say it was good at it. I said I did it. You seem like a little bit of a wild man, Phil.

You've ever been arrested or in trouble with the law? Almost. I got in trouble and believe it or not, I made the cops laugh and they let me go. What? What did you get in trouble for? Rape. We were, what? Rape.

You have rapist energies. Yeah. We're guessing that it was a rape. No. No. No. She had it coming. I get it.

What was the crime that you committed? We were just driving intoxicated. Oh. You say we. Who were you with? A bunch of friends that were all fucked up and I had weed on me. So I. Where were you?

I got in New York. And you made the cop laugh, you said? Yeah. On the way to the station. How did you do that? Magic. Yeah. What happened?

Do you remember what you did to get the laugh? No. It was all fucked up. I don't remember at all. Maybe that's why I made them laugh. I have no idea. Wow. Maybe you should get real fucked up before performing and try that.

Yeah. It's crazy. I'm going to do my best. You can make a cop laugh while getting pulled over, drunk with weed. How much cocaine do you do a day? I've done it five times and I'll never do it again. Why? What happened?

All those five were tonight. Right now. What happens when you do it? Spend all my money and don't have fun. Wow. Yeah. So I just, I didn't like it. I love weed, but you know.

What's your love life like? Non-existent. Really? Believe it or not. No. We do, Phil. We believe you, Phil. When's the last time you had sexual relations with someone?

I'm not going to answer that question because it is a very long time. No, a couple of years ago actually. Wow. But you're not a bad looking dude. So it's something you're doing. Personality. Something you're doing. Just about as much as I can.

Like something is going wrong. Yeah. Are you always like super creepy with women? Are you like a little bit like overactive, a little bit ADD a little bit? Not even. Really? I'm just really nervous right now. That's why.

Okay. That's why I'm acting like this. So you haven't gotten laid in a couple of years. Doesn't help. Let's see what it's like. Let's pretend I'm a hot chick. Okay. And you and I are meeting.

And hey, what's up? You seem like a cool guy. Oh, Okie dokie. All right. There he goes. So what would you say if I was a hot chick? And I'm like, hey, I really liked your comedy tonight. Do you want to see the trunk of my car?

Okay. Phil, stop trying to be funny. Phil. You are the king of the groans right now. I'm not good at it. All right. Just roll with it. You're serious.

You're an actor, right? You've been an entertainer since you were 13. Yeah. So just let's play this character straight. That's some direction for you. Okay. Again, I'm a hot chick. I'm just excited to play a hot chick.

Man, wow. Hey, Phil, I really liked your set earlier. You were super funny. I'm so dumb. I think you're hilarious. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I'd really appreciate it if you were honest with me. You know, you don't have to lie.

It'd make me feel really, really good if you told me honestly that I sucked. Well, you know what? I wasn't going to do this, but hey, you want to fuck? We're going to come to show off early. There we go. Phil's still trying to be funny. There goes Phil Embardo, everybody. Phil Embardo, everyone.

Back to the elevator at Ron White's building. Back to Ron White's elevator. What's fun about this show is that you never know if tonight is the night where one of these people snaps, you know? Like I'm three feet away from someone who's so unwell, so mentally deranged that you have no idea if tonight's the night that they just decide to do something wild. And so that's the fun of this. It is true.

It could happen at any point. Simon Nash is next on Kill Tony. It could happen at any point, but these people... You'd probably go after me first though. You obviously hated me. Yeah, but you're the hardest to get to. Tim's right here on the edge. They have to get through Tim just to get to you.

Simon Nash is next. It's a wild episode so far. A phone call to New York was the funniest part of tonight's episode so far for those of you keeping track. And here comes Simon Nash, everybody. Make some noise for Simon, everyone. All right. I look like Cosmo Kramer fuck Barack Obama at a vampire weekend concert.

I look like the Stefan Curry of graphic design. I saw a vegan with a lucky rabbit's foot. Pretty sure that's a faux pas. My friend came back from vacation and said, I love Nicaragua. I said, first of all, that's their word. Secondly, it's called Hennessy. I figured out why it's okay to joke about murder and not rape.

It's because there aren't any murder survivors. No one's going to come up to me after this set and be like, actually, I was murdered when I was 13. Kind of ruined my life. You should stop doing that joke. Then I figured out it's objectively worse because you would never sit around a dinner table for two hours and play a board game where you try to figure out which one of your house guests is secretly a rapist.

Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick, my god. Simon Nash coming out jokes. Guns a-blazin'. There we go. Someone was ready for this tonight. Welcome to the show, Simon. A real comedian. Thank you.

I'm almost shocked. Yeah. Incredible. You did real jokes. How long have you been on stand-up for? Oh, seven years. Awesome, man. Fuck you.

How about a hand for Simon, everybody? Seven years coming on the show, waiting through fucking psychopaths for a chance to get up and it worked. Look at that. What is it? Are you back there with these people? What is that like? There's 70 people like coughing on each other.

Oh, my god. That's great. I love it. Great fucking job, dude. Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate that. Seven years. All of it here in Texas?

No, I moved here 10 and 11 days ago. 11 days ago from where? Orlando, Florida. Wow. What a great escape. Yeah, I wanted to move to a place where no one could reasonably give me shit for being from Florida. Right.

Yeah, no. Fuck you. What a great move. Orlando is whack-a-doodle. That's fucking weird, yeah. What were you doing for work over in Orlando? Same job I do now. Everyone's remote and stuff now.

I fucking do business to business sales for T-Mobile. Wow, you're a T-Mobile guy. Yeah, but not like the jacked ones from the kiosk. I just call IT directors of nonprofit organizations. No, we're all the fans of T-Mobile. We all use it. Sprint just became T-Mobile. Yeah, they bought them like a year ago or something.

I love it. I know John before he, the old CEO. Oh, yeah, that really eccentric guy with the long hair that was like, we do cell phones and I surf or whatever. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, one of those guys. Just like the Virgin Hotel guy. Yeah, it was weird.

So welcome, welcome, Simon. What else in your life? Tell us more about you. Gosh, well, I have to get this out of the way. My best friend is a recently famous TikTok comedian. She's a huge Tim Dillon fan. Oh, wow. So I was wondering if you would like say into the microphone that Heather Shaw should quit

comedy. Heather Shaw, you should quit comedy and kill yourself. And I added that. Oh, that's so sweet. Why is she, she's legit blew up on TikTok? She blew up on TikTok. Is she one of the D'Million? D'Million is?

D'Million sisters or something. No, no, no, she does like, she is like a skinny lesbian and she looks a lot like Jim Kerry. Great actress. Great. Heather Shaw. Yeah, she's the famous TikTok. Yeah.

I get approached. You shut the fuck up, sir. Jesus Christ, this fucking guy. Well, that's all. I'll check her out. Oh my God. That would mean so much to her. Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah. Wow. So I asked you about your entire life. I'm so sorry. Anything about you. Heather Shaw. I can't play harmonica.

That guy shredded. That was awesome. I know. I can juggle. I don't know. I have no other skills. But I can kind of... How about your family?

What's your family? What's your ethnicity? What do you mean? What do you mean? My dad was black. I didn't lead with that because that's a lot to unpack in a one minute set. I know what I look like. What do you mean he was black?

He's dead. Oh. How'd he die? I thought he transitioned to a Caitlyn Jenner or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd he die? It is not... The reverse racial docile.

His stomach flipped? Gosh. Yeah. Parkinson's, you don't die from Parkinson's. You die with it. So, yeah. He must have died young, right? Two years ago, he was 67, 66.

Okay. That's fine. He had a run. Yeah, he had a good run. He did. That's a good run. How old were you, Simon? 28.

28 years old. What's happening? His dad died. I'm sorry. I was just doing a TikTok song. Never mind. Okie-dokie, red band combining three things at once for our liking. So, he was black.

Your mom's white, white? Jewish. Yeah, very white. Like British Isles, blonde hair, blue eyes, Irish, English, Welsh, that kind of deal. Okay. And she had moved on to a new black guy? No, she went back. She went whatever that old joke is, black and fourth.

So, yeah, my stepdad is another very, very white man. Nerd, musical theater guy, whatever. I love that. I love that. You're funny as fuck, dude. Yeah, very funny. Thank you. What's the longest stunt you've ever done before?

Oh, God, 30, 35, 40 minutes, like a feature. If you're free Wednesday, I'd like to have you at the Vulcan Show. Oh my God, I would love to. Wow, look at that. He just got booked on a real show, everybody. Wow. Dreams coming true. Thank you so much.

You're on Kill Tony. Simon, you are absolutely hilarious. Thank you. I love it when rock solid comedians come on the show. Thank you so much for gracing us with your presence. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Simon Nash, everybody.

Follow him on social media at The Simon Nash. That's easy enough. You guys ready for a special treat, huh? This guy's one of the regulars on Kill Tony. For those of you that are big fans of the show, you're absolutely going to love this, a prolific joke writer every single week, giving us a brand new killer minute,

famous for his incredible roasting skills. How about you guys all make some noise for the great and powerful David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. David Lucas. Yeah. I don't believe in Dogecoin because too many hood niggas know about it.

I'm trying to explain that shit is the worst shit in the world. It's like niggas like iCloud. You can't see the money, but it's dead. I'm telling you that shit is dead. You buy it, you can't see it, but it's dead, nigga. I'm like, I'm supposed to trust you with my financial future, motherfucker. Fuck Dogecoin.

I'm from the south and a lot of people ask me, like, David, is the south the most racist place you ever been? And I'm like, hell no. They're like, well, what's the most racist place you ever been? I'm like, nigga, YouTube comments. YouTube comments is the most racist place in the world. I get called a nigga in YouTube comments without a profile picture.

I'm like, how the fuck you know I'm black? They're like, it's the run-on sentences, man. I'm like, why the fuck are you so angry under a cheesecake recipes video? I said the bitch should use heavy whipping cream. You said milk next thing. I know you called me a nigga. All right, guys, thank you.

David Lucas, everybody, minute and some change. I love it, man. What a solid minute. Love that. I absolutely love that, covering topical stuff and some stuff about you, yourself, and the technology. I love it. Mixing it all together.

How you doing tonight? He's the best regular you've ever had. You think so? I think he is. I appreciate it. Let me hold 10,000. That's not just because I think me and him could sell a show to TLC.

1,000-pound brothers right here. I love it. Tim, you actually got smaller, bruh. Well, we'll change that. I fluctuate. What's it like going out on the road? You guys know what it is. I mean, how is it for you guys?

You guys have fun out there? I know it's hard to not eat delicious stuff all the time. Tony, when I'm on the road with you, you eat good, motherfucker. Yeah, I do. I have lightning fast metabolism. I have the Joey Chestnuts gene. But you didn't earn that.

You were born with that. It's true. He was born a girl. That's why he's... The fuck? Born a girl? Yeah, bruh. You bleed your weight out every month.

Oh, come on. You son of a bitch. You son of a... Are we doing this? Is that what's happening? Fucking machine this guy. An ice cream machine. Fucking soft serve.

Always open. If you say fact three times in the mirror, Tony appeared behind you with a dildo. What? Why would I even need a dildo? Why would I need a dildo if I just appeared? Well, yeah, the Texas dildo massacre. You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch. Yeah, man. Death by dildo, nigga. That's an episode on a thousand ways to die. Oh, my God. At least I have a thousand ways. You only have one way that you're going to die. It rhymes with diabetes.

Tony, you got a thousand ways to pee. What? He can sit down. He can squat. He can... I love it. I love David Lucas because he's definitely following in the footsteps of the great Patrice O'Neill.

Definitely not going to make it to like 35. There's not a chance in the world. No, you look great though, David. I love this new look you have going on. Tony, you 35, but you got the facial hair of a 12-year-old girl. All right, well, I mean, Jesus Christ. I think a lot of people don't know

about my facial hair. Now you've exposed me. All right, well, I mean, okay, I guess we're getting into David with Bottles of Water. Thank you. Thank you, Zach. I love it, David. It's a new hoodie.

I don't know how to make fun of it. It's a very off-color. I feel like you dress defensively so that... No, but I just... I found a new shop to buy. One thing I noticed the other day, I was looking at a picture of you on Instagram, and it was taken at like a higher angle,

and I noticed that you have ridiculously short legs. I do. I do. That's the real thing with you. It's my torso that's long. Yeah, you're built like R2-D2. It's very like... Those ever hard?

I mean, it must be hard on your knees carrying... I'm chilling. I think his pants just go low. That's why it looks like he has short legs. I do got short legs. I got short legs. Bend at the knee real quick. Let's see what it looks like.

What does that mean? Like this? Oh, shit. Wow. That's not what I was expecting. What you mean, bend at the knee? Yeah, like that. Oh, like that?

Yeah, like that. I don't know how to fuck bend at the knee. But I love it. I thought I was the gay one until you did that. Like bend at the knee just gets a doggy style position. Archus is back up. David Lucas. God damn right, man.

I love it, man. What else is going on? How's Austin treating you? Austin's good, man. Austin's great. Saw Tim go up the other night on your show. I went up on your show the other night. Great show.

That was so much fun. And then, you know, Young Dolph performed at us. Young Dolph from Key Glock. Are you serious? Yeah, to a whole bunch of... I think I walked in on the green room and I think he gave me like a dirty look. Who's Young Dolph? Young Dolph, he performed to like 1,100 white kids.

Which is so weird because all he rapped about is drugs and killing niggas. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm like, this nigga will get you all put out of your house and out of the trust fund and listen to this motherfucker. I love Young Dolph. But he's from, I think he's from Memphis. Yep. And he ordered like $2,500 worth of shit for the green room.

Really? He didn't use none of it. Just ordered it. Yeah. I was in... I did your show last night. Yeah, last night, yep. And yours was not $2,500 worth of shit in the green room.

I promise you that. Maybe like 80. I walked into David Lucas' green room. Every young black comedian's green room is exactly the same. There's nobody in there. There's two pairs of headphones just sitting on pairs. And then there's just mixers. So it's like a crap of orange juice, ginger ale, and something else.

There's nothing in your fucking barren ass green room. I don't smoke weed or do drugs, so it's like, you know what I'm saying? I don't know, man. Right. I was expecting at least a fucking potato chips or something. I don't know. I'd expect more from you. I'm a full eater, bro.

I don't like potato chips. I feel like that's a teaser. All right. You do any athletics? You do have been working out at all? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What type of workouts do you do? I've been started back powerlifting, dawg.

Powerlifting? Yeah, powerlifting and swimming. I'm one of the only black guys that can swim. I swim. I swim, too. And it's proof that swimming is literally the most useless thing for fat people to do. It does absolutely nothing for any of us. I'm one of the only black guys.

I'd say it's a best exercise, but it's bullshit. Yeah. I think it's for old people, bro. Yeah. Do you just jump in there and try to not sink the whole time? Bro, swimming is some bullshit because I'm one of the only black people that fucking get sunburned, dawg. I get sunburned.

Where have you been swimming at? At the Bowie. Yeah, where can you swim? At the Bowie. You go outdoor swimming? Yeah. In front of people? Yeah, never.

What time? I want to get... I want to get video of this shit. You're going to come out there in your two piece? That's why you... Tony want to be late. I know you prefer a six piece, so... This guy goes swimming at Canes.

Yeah. Tony going to be... Tony going to come out to the pool to ask niggas to put lotion on his back. You're going to have your bra and straps so you have no tan line. I love it. You're well-moisturized. You use cocoa butter to cook with. I don't know.

I'm running out of stuff. We've been roasting each other for two years now. Cooking with cocoa butter. Right, brother. I heard you audition for Mrs. Doubtfire too. Oh. Fuck, that was bad. God damn.

Mrs. Doubtfire. I know. It's like, I need a new guest there, brother. You should just start roasting somebody else. Both of you should team up together. Yeah, we should bring up an audience member. Let's do it, brother. The next committee in that bomb just called me on stage.

I wrote that. Okay. All right, perfect. We'll do that. Damn, that sucks for this guy. Thanks for the news for David Lucas, everybody. We're on to the next one. Back to the bucket we go.

On to the next one is the great Jay-Z once said. On to the next one. It's going to be Jesse Berlingame. It's going to be next Berlingame. But how about a hand for Kaylee, everybody? Working hard tonight, up and down, all around. Go to the yellow rows and the red rows. Support these amazing artis.

Out there, working the grind. Jesse Berlingame is next. Step back from that ledge, my friend. Jesse Berlingame, everybody. One more time for Jesse, everyone. What's going on, guys? I wish I was way cooler. Like, I don't have any tattoos.

But my sister completely covered head to toe and tattoos. But she's like the worst tattoos. There's just like 40 stars all over her body. I don't know what they represent at this point besides disposable income and boredom. I don't know what they're supposed to mean. But the best tattoo my sister has, my favorite. She's a lower back tattoo that says live and learn. Live and learn.

I feel like every tramp stamp says that, right? You don't have to literally spell it out for us, sis. We get it. I don't know. Live and learn. I don't know what she's learned. I've met all of her boyfriends. What have you learned? Hand, maybe?

I'm not really sure what that's supposed to mean. I thought it said no regrets for the longest time. I was talking to my mom about it. She's like, it doesn't say no regrets. It says live and learn. I was like, oh, that is way worse. Because no regrets means I don't give a fuck. Whereas live and learn is like mistakes have been made.

And through these experiences, I've gained some knowledge of how to use in the future going forward. That's a lot to take in for the guy banging my sister, right? He's got to do missionary unless he wants to have an existential crisis every time. Alright, Jesse Burlingame, thank you very much. Jesse Burlingame. Welcome to the show, sir. Thanks for having me. Good shit, dude.

Thanks, dude. Good shit, man. I love it. How long have you been on stand-up? Four years now. Four years. There's no better feeling than trashing a family member. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Nothing. Shut up, Courtney. I love you. Yeah. Do you really love her? Are you guys close? No.

She lives in Mississippi now. Oh, shit. Looks like she never learned after all, huh? No. She did not learn. She got married during COVID last year in her apartment and then, like, moved to Mississippi three days later. Wow.

Yeah. She deserves everything you give to her out there. Everything. My goodness. You've been doing stand-up four years, you said? Yeah. And all of it here in Texas? No, I just moved three weeks ago from Worcester, Massachusetts.

Wow. Worcester, Massachusetts. Damn. I got some friends from Boston visiting tonight. Those were the loud groans that you heard. Bostonians can't help but to, like, claim a side or represent. You guys, pro? I couldn't tell her.

You pro Worcester or anti Worcester? Pro Worcester. And one guy from fucking Detroit back here just pissed at the world. I love it. Tim and I have a mutual friend, Eric Taylor. Oh, yeah. Eric's a great dude. Yeah.

No, he's not. You don't like him? No, I love Eric. Nice kid. Jesse, what else are you into? You skateboard or something like that? I used to back in the day. Yeah.

I'm picking up some skateboard energies. I did bring my skateboard with me. I haven't used it once. Wow. You have it here tonight? No, I don't. Oh, okay. All right.

I'm into indoor rock climbing now. That's my new big thing. Indoor rock climbing. We've been hearing a lot about this lately. A lot of people get... Yeah. Shout out Austin Bouldering Project. Okay.

There you go. All right. They're going to love that shout out, right? Yeah. I was just there two hours ago. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Have fun, Jesse. I performed stand-up at the Gathering of the Juggalos a couple of years ago. Oh, shit. Yeah. Look at that. What was that like? Terrifying. Yeah.

People were doing nitrous oxide right in front of me and like trying to pass me balloons to the stage. Yeah. You should have done it. How did you get booked? Because that's one of my goals. Like, I really want to do that. Here's the secret.

You just emailed them. Is that what you did? I just emailed. Yeah. Were they throwing fegos and shit like that at you? Yeah. I opened for Randy from the trailer park boys. I don't know if you guys are familiar.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, it was a big gig. Fuck yeah. That's awesome, man. Yeah. So what do you leave behind in Worcester? Do you have a girlfriend or anything like that?

No. I had a girlfriend. We broke up March 1st, 2020. Why'd you guys break up? We had some issues we had to work on on our first. Like what? Yeah. That's exactly.

I'm addicted to pornography. That kind of... You are? Yeah. Right. This is beautiful. Absolutely. Tell us all about your pornography addiction.

What kind? Is it adult pornography? People like, how many times do you jerk off a day? It's just like one time for an hour or two. Really? You jerk off for an hour again? No. You got like seven tabs open.

You got to browse through everything. So you hold on to the one load. Yeah. And you like really milk it. You wait. At least you find yourself saving for the big finish. Like what's something that you love when you are ready to... After an hour, seven tabs are open.

What's your final go-to? Big black dudes with tiny white women. That's very good. Very good. I mean, I got it. That's my favorite. I got it. Listen, what the fuck was your uppity cunt girlfriend's problem with your hour-long jerk off?

I mean, she's a bitch, right? I mean, this bitch is crazy. That's fucked up when you like, you know... Were you paying for it or was it all free? No, it's all free, Tony. Okay. 84. Well, that says some addictions get out of control fast.

Did she ask you to stop? Yeah, I started going to a 12-step program for it. Wow. That is humiliating. And then COVID happened. COVID happened and stopped. You do feel like you jerk off 12-step program. I feel like Dave Chappelle in half-baked when he says he's addicted to weed.

I'm addicted to porn and there's pedophiles and rapists in there. Are there any girls in those 12-step programs? Yeah, there was one midget in a wheelchair in my group. Oh, damn. How long until you came on her? That was just my next Google search. Pedophiles and rapists go to these 12 steps. And you.

And me. Is it weird? Yes. Wow. Yeah. Was the midget in a wheelchair? Yeah. Like a stroller?

Was the midget a pedophile? Was it a pedophile midget? Yeah. What was her problem? I don't know. Are they even pedophiles if they're little anyway? I think she was just a sex addict. A sex addict.

Just for him. A midget in a wheelchair is getting fucked so often that she had a problem with it. More than me. More than me. I love it. Did your girl ever go with you to the 12-step? No. I love that there's a midget in a wheelchair that fucks so much she has a problem.

And Phil Lombardo, the magician actor, hasn't been laid in two years. That's what I love. Meanwhile, there's a little tiny lady in a wheelchair out there getting fucking. Railed. One to 12-step programs. That's how she ended up in that wheelchair. Yeah. She was fucked into a wheelchair.

That is incredible. What's the craziest porn you ever saw? Something stand out to you to where even you're like, fuck, I have to get off the internet. Oh, there's a site called dickdrainers.com. Oh, yeah. And the guy face fucks girls until they vomit on his dick. Yeah. Are you familiar?

Have you heard of this? I actually know about this one. What the fuck is this? You mask. I'm trying to get him on my podcast so he won't return my emails. Wow. That is so interesting. I can't believe you named something that I actually know about.

The craziest shit I ever got into was there was a website. I don't think it's around anymore, but it used to be old women over 90 getting fucked. And half the time you could tell they were just like, where am I? And they're just getting plowed. Okay. Who is crazy though? That's rape. You were watching rape on the dark web.

That's not something you got into. That's a crime you just confessed on a show. But it wasn't like you could get hard on it. It was just more creepy. All right. Okay. Do you do crazy shit sexually? Or is it just a porn?

No, I'm pretty vanilla on it. Yeah. That was my next question. Was your porn affecting your sex life with your ex-girlfriend? Yeah. I couldn't get hard anymore. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Cause she that selfish bitch wasn't vomiting. Yeah. You told her what needed to happen and she didn't do it. Do you think was she a tinier? Was she like a tiny type of girl? Yes. She was a 411.

Wow. Was that inviting over a random black guy to have sex with her? No. I should have though. Yeah. No. Probably. No.

No. Why? Why? Why just a random no out of nowhere? No. You don't want to have random black dude at your house and fuck your girl. Should I ask my like friend then, someone familiar with? Yes.

Have your buddy. That's cool. Keep it in the family. Yeah. There you go. Red Band just giving actual advice. Not really. Are you going to go back to the 12 step program now that COVID's coming?

I'm going to find one down here. Yeah. Cause I did enjoy it. Well, ask around after the show if anybody. I'm sure. Anybody in here has any pedophiles? A round of applause? Where my sex addicts at?

Yeah. Are there any midget pedophiles that can show this guy where you meet? Jesse, a great interview, an incredible set. Thank you so much. Great stuff. Jesse Burlingame, everybody. He's at Jesse.Burlingame. I like that guy.

Yeah. He's a good dude. We had a selfish woman, oldest story in the book. Addicted to the porn though. I don't think that's a real thing. Unless you can't even leave the house and you're losing jobs for it and shit like that. It sounded like he was heading in that direction. Yeah.

Kaylee, is, is, you think sex addiction is common in the, in the stripper industry? I'm curious. I hate sex. What? I hate sex now. Damn. So tall. Say that again.

What is that? It's not a real thing anymore. Really? She hates sex. Yeah. I hate it. How about your friends, the people that you work with? Oh, they're whores.

Really? Are they? I always wonder about strippers because it seems like they, I don't, I can't tell whether they love it or if they hate it because they deal with assholes all day, right? Oh no. I was super vanilla and then after stripping, I'm like a freak. Damn. Really?

Yeah. When you say super vanilla, how does someone super vanilla get into that industry? I play like a rape victim. Just lay on my back. Take it. All right, everybody, honest answer there from Kaylee. I take responsibility. Okay.

There's another speaking soundboard for some reason. Ladies and gentlemen, Gareth Fisk is next on Kill Tony. Gareth Fisk. Gareth. Oh, I just called it now. It's coming from the back of the room. This is always exciting. One of the people waiting out on the sidewalk deciding not to mix with the, with the casual

comedians upstairs has a backpack on. Kind of freaky. We got a backpack. The backpack is coming off. I do believe there it is. There's the backpack. Sit down. Fully masks.

Here he is. Make some noise for Gareth Fisk, everybody. I'm probably going to fuck this shit up, but it's cool. Hey, y'all remember fucking Christmas when y'all were kids? Oh my fucking God, that shit was so good. I still remember like the date or whatever I fucking was realizing that I got a PlayStation. I was just like, oh shit, a fucking PlayStation. Oh, games too.

Fuck. No way. Games. What? That's no fucking way. Mom, you're kidding me. Who gave me that shit? A fat man named Santa.

What the fuck? Oh my God. And yeah, I cursed like that when I was a child too. I'm sorry guys, but it's a fucking truth. I couldn't fucking believe that shit. I am still baffled by, oh, there's the fucking mic stand. Okay, cool. I still am baffled by that shit.

Like I was so happy at that point in time in my life. It was something different. You don't get that shit when you're older, right? That was also the point in my fucking life where I realized, oh, my mom's also a lying bitch. And I like grind that shit out for like four more years after I realized that Santa wasn't real. I was just like, wait, if I give this shit up, does that mean I don't give anything? There you go. Garrett Viss going over the time without a doubt.

Pussy fart. There you go. Absolutely, Garrett. Just a little more crazy for the cherry on top, huh? Pussy fart. Garrett, welcome to the show. You got a laugh from Red Band there at the end. I like that last part.

There you go. You got it. Garrett, welcome. Are you okay? I'm okay. Thank you so much, Tony. All right. How long have you been on stand-up?

Like two or so years. Mainly loads of my shit is written that I do out. I've been doing a lot of things that are kind of similar to curb your enthusiasm. I'm right now at a show. And I'm also doing a couple other things for like a show. Wait, Tim. Tim, Tim. Yeah, wait, wait.

You're doing things that are similar to curb your enthusiasm. Yeah, yeah. I tried to at least. Like what? In your stand-up? What are you talking about? No, no. Well, Dave never did stand-up.

He had like one showing and he was like, nah, fuck this shit. Who? What? Larry David. Larry David did stand-up. He did it for, well, from what I remember, it was like one show and he was like, well, fuck this fucking crap. You simply could not be more wrong right now.

So how about that? Thank you, Tony. How do you look like an idiot in front of millions of people? It's okay. How do you do curb your enthusiasm stuff on? Can you do something like what you're talking about? Well, no, because mainly most of it comes out like me being an asshole or total dick, like randomly doing my own thing from like just different phases of life.

Can you give us an example? Oh my goodness. Well, you know, for one of my, I've kind of written it out from a couple other shit, but some of the things I got from like my uncle, like he had a fight. He got a horse that he like bought for a half a million dollars one time. Oh, okay. So much for the wait for it. And yeah, thanks for that.

Just give me the shit right in the middle. He bought a horse for a half a million dollars, didn't fucking put insurance on it, and then it died like in the first quarter lap. So that's the setup part. That's the setup. So then what happened? Well, then he never fucking learned his lesson, right? So he actually ended up buying another million dollar bull,

never fucking put insurance on it. And then right after that, it fucking just shot blanks, nothing but blanks for like two or three months. So nobody fucking got any money out of that. It's just one and a half. Oh, hilarious. Reminds me of Curb Your Enthusiasm a lot. I'm sorry.

It doesn't play out well on stage. No, it definitely doesn't. It definitely doesn't. It wouldn't play out well in a script or video or film or a sketch. Oh, well, thanks, Tony. I really appreciate that again. I like that you... Where are you getting these people?

I have no fucking bucket, man. Is this a local clinic? We've had some serious mental health issues. This is wild. It's never a good sign when the two mentally most stable people are both military veterans on the show. What do you do for work? Do you work?

I do sales, man. What kind of sales? Just doing the fucking do. Yeah, man. Just bullshit. What are you selling? Well, I work for a consulting like during... I do fucking solar sales, but it's consulting.

So it's really just setting that shit up. God damn it! All right. Wait, wait. Did I get a butooch at least? No, Gary. Fuck me. God damn it.

You don't get anything... Gary, stop talking. Stop talking. We're not going to let you get that crazy right now. I'm afraid for my life, but I'm truly scared. Tim, I've heard you talk before. Gareth, Gareth, stop listening to the voices in your head, Gareth. Try to focus on what's actually happening right now.

Gareth, what is the craziest thing you've ever done? You do have wild energies. You laugh really hard at yourself after saying unfunny things. We're curious to know what is the craziest thing you've ever done? You ever kill an innocent animal or something like that? Well, I am from Texas. I'm the only person here that's from Texas, apparently, but... That's not true.

It's probably not true. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I love y'all. Wow. You had the whole audience on your side, and then you went and said something like that. I know. I don't fucking know. But I'm actually from here in Austin, and it feels like everybody I've met is from somewhere else.

Exactly. Oh, I'm talking to Tony right now. Have you ever thought about moving out? No. Everyone else is moving into Austin. Have you ever thought about trying something? How many of you think you should move to a different city? Look at that.

That's pretty good. The crowd supports you. Look, thank you so much, Tony. I appreciate that. Have you ever killed a bird before? You know, one of the funniest things that ever happened to me in San Diego for a little while was somebody asked me, like, you shoot dove? Like, what?

And I was like, yep, that's just a thing here. We love to kill doves. That's the thing. You shoot the doves. Wow. You are a wild baby. I'm only shooting. I'm only shooting for blanks here right now.

We know. We know. If you have a girlfriend, what's your home life like? Oh, God. That's a great question, Tim. I mean, clearly, I'm coming off of a relationship that lasted way too long, and that's probably why I'm doing so terrible right now. That's not clear at all.

But what? Seven-year relationship that ended pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. He's doing the Carver enthusiasm. There it is. You are wild.

Why did the relationship end? Oh, man. I don't have enough time for that. That ended, you know. What part of the spectrum are you in? I'm, like, all over it. You know, I'm red and blue. I'm on both ends.

What do you think is the weirdest thing about you? That you get to say that. And you're a professional comedian, Tony. Part of your daily routine. Like, what part of your daily routine that we don't know about? Like, what do you think is the weirdest thing that you do? You don't know. Oh, man.

Like, the weirdest thing that I fucking do. Chew your toenails or something like that? It's weird about that. It's not bad. No. You cannot stretch that far. You cannot stretch that far. Well, the weirdest thing, I don't fucking know, man.

All right. I'm a fucking normal guy. Y'all are just making me out here to be some fucking jerk off. I don't know. I mean, what do you want me to say? It reminds me of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I don't know the answer. All right.

There he goes. Gareth Fisk, everybody. Thank y'all. Up in it. Up and out really quickly. Gareth Fisk. Oh, shit. Here he comes.

There he goes, everybody. Gareth, just go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, Gareth. Jesus fucking Christ. Once you start shaking hands, then everybody after that wants to do it. Oh, my God. Tim, I'd like to be the first person to apologize to you for. No, I mean, it's just, it's just, I'm so grateful that none of them.

Tonight's not the night. Should we get a female up here? You guys think I should pull until we get a woman? We haven't had a female comedian tonight. See what happens. I don't think Shaft is a lady. That sounds like a guy's name. We know Nick.

See what happens here. Arthur, I'm sorry. Jack, you're not here tonight. Okay. Here's one. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Leanna Patch, everybody. Here we go. Leanna Patch.

Right there. Sometimes it really does pay off to be a girl. It's the first and only time this ever happened to me. Y'all, it's been a rough go dating wise. I keep dating refrigerators. I know this because they're all six, three ice cold and there's nothing I really want inside them, but I keep going back just to check. Like, are you still a dickhead?

You okay? You are. All right. Great. Love that journey for me. What met one here last night? His name's Jeremy Shin and he doesn't eat pussy. Just so you know.

Don't date him. That's going out on the internet. All right. All right. All right. I have more. Y'all know about memory foam, right? You got a memory foam mattress?

I want to know when they're going to make selective memory foam because shit has happened in my bed that I want to forget. All right. One last thing. Grammar quiz. Y'all know the word cloaca? Anyone know the word cloaca? Cloaca is a bird's asshole and vagina and egg hole at the same time. It's what I like to call the uni hole.

Okay. So, philosophical question for you. If your asshole and your vag are the same thing, does that make the rest of your body a taint? Have birds just been flying taints this whole time? Oh, there it is. The end of the set for sure. Leanna Patch, everybody. Coming in.

Guns a blazin'. I love it. Hi, Leanna. Welcome to the show. Great job. Thank you. How long have you been doing comedy? On and off, mostly off since 2012.

Since 2012. I love it. Almost 10 years coming up here. Do birds have three holes or just their pee hole in their house? No, it's the one hole. It's the one hole. It's one hole. Don't fuck a bird.

They have diseases. I was thinking like a bowling ball. I want to pick a bird up like a bowling ball. Never mind. There you go. All right. So, Leanna, what was the thing about Jeremy Shin? Is that a real human being?

Oh, that's a real human being. And he didn't eat your pussy? He didn't do fucking anything. Wow. What did you do for him? I went down on him. Wow. Do you want to let him have access to this?

Yeah. It's a stink. Excuse me? Red band. Not as much as yours. You're not allowed to talk to women anymore on the show. You're on woman probation now. All right.

We're sorry about that, Leanna. He plays the wacky character over here. No, I know. It's fine. So, you did everything and you had sex with them. Yeah, unfortunately. How many times did you hook up with this guy? Oh, once.

Just once. I'm visiting. I'm from New Orleans. You're from Texas? And he unmatched me after we fucked. And the only reason I was mad about that was because I lost an earring in his bed. I wanted nothing else from him but this earring bag. Wow.

But it's okay because you can find anyone on the internet. So, I found him and I was like, give my earring bag you dickhead. Right. Yeah. Did he respond? He did. He said, I'll look for it. Oh.

I said, great. I bet. Yeah. I bet he won't find it. Accusum of rape. That's the nuclear option. 20-21 everybody. 20-21.

Besides him not going down on you, is the sex bad? It was so bad. Yeah. What was so bad about it? Can you describe it a little bit for us? Well, basically, he was interested in getting off and then he was done touching me. Oh. And I was like, hey, I didn't.

He used to be a magician. I didn't come. No, he's a marathon runner. So, I guess he saves all his energy for that. This man is a true psychopath. His apartment is entirely empty and he runs 20 miles at a time without music. Oh, man. That is.

I really know how to pick him. My favorite thing is that you clearly got back into comedy to shit on this guy. That's the only reason I make jokes. She's like, 2012 on and off. Every time I meet a dude who doesn't eat my pussy, I do a sack. Every fucking time. Yep. Fuck yeah.

That's true. I love that. I love that. My goodness. Hell had no fury, right? We had a lot of male comedians eat it up here today. So, maybe one of them. Oh, I matched with one of them.

You did? Yeah, and then I unmatched him. Which one? He tried to do a bit on me. Simon, the good one. Oh, he's the good one. Yeah, he's the good one. He's the good one.

The only one who crushed. Fuck the shit out of that guy. No, thanks. The rest of them will kill you. They'll eat you. The last guy would kill me for sure. He'd shoot me from afar, from the porch. Right.

Leanna, what do you do for work? I'm a copywriter. A copywriter. What do you do for fun? I do this. Other than stand up. I'm on a Mardi Gras dance team and I volunteer in an animal shelter. You're on a what dance team?

A Mardi Gras dance team. What's a Mardi Gras dance team? So there are all these little crews in New Orleans that do like their own, they're part of parades and they have like, you know, floats and dancers and, you know, handheld things. And so I'm on a dance team. So you like dance while marching? Yes.

That's incredible. Can you give us a little example of what that looks like? You guys have New Orleans music, right? Oh, shit. Listen to that. Louisiana beat. Leanna Patch gets it. Yeah.

Oh, shit. All right. Oh my goodness. Wow. That was awesome. Yeah. That was like sex. I also don't want to touch you after that.

Yeah, me either. I didn't say it was good. No, that was awesome. And like you have like beads and stuff. You ever show your boobs on those New Orleans? Common misconception. Right. That doesn't happen.

I don't know how it works. It's not a thing. I love it. I've only seen Mardi Gras on Old Girls Gone Wild. Yeah. Top videos. Yeah. Did he show them to you?

Yeah, that's it. He shows me all his old VHS tape. Come on. I love it. Leanna, how long are you visiting Austin for? Till Saturday. What else do you love about this city? Is there anything else fun that you've done?

Anything or anyone? No. I love that there are people here that I didn't grow up with. You love New Orleans? Yeah. Hiding from your past. Is there a reason? It's just too small at a certain point.

It's nice to go out and see a bunch of people you know, but sometimes you would like to not do that. You know you could move. I know. I'm thinking about it. You're thinking about moving here? Yeah. But then another guy I matched with recently last week,

I said, I'm thinking about moving. He said, don't do that. Everyone's moving here. And I said, wow, rude. And he said, it's true though. What an idiot. What an asshole, right? Yeah, that's it.

It's so easy to get in here. All you have to do is not be an asshole. Why matching so much? Why don't you have like a permanent boyfriend? Are you a crazy person or something? No, broke up with my last one last year on my birthday. Okay. Yeah, present to myself.

Why'd you break up with him? He was not the right fit for me. And I wasn't right fit for him. Okay. You know, adult mature reasons. Oh, all right. Okay. He's got serious.

Yeah, dude. Sorry. He's got a little depressing and sad now. She's like, he had cancer. I probably would have stayed with him. I didn't want to stay with him till the end. Leanna, I love it. What's your favorite thing about New Orleans?

There's always something to do and everything is very close by or there was before COVID, you know. Yeah, it's an amazing city. Yeah. There's great food, everything. Yeah. But the comedy scene is almost non-existent. Yeah.

Because no one cares about comedy. There's no comedy club. There is a lot of comedy there. Having fun. Yeah, but no club. There's no main club. There's a couple. There's like, you're right.

It's a different culture. There's mic nights, but yeah, we don't have like a place. Well, Leanna, we loved your set tonight. You represented the ladies very well. There she goes. Leanna Patch everybody. Thank you so much. She's on social media at punchline copy.

You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time? Huh? All right. This is it. Let's get one more up here and see what happens. It's going to be Andrew Sacks is going to close out our bucket portion of the show. There's Kaylee. I believe Kaylee.

What is it? Kaylee.funk73. Kaylee.funk.73. And she has her own podcast, by the way. Kaylee.funk.73. It's me, Yo Krayfest. Shout out, Maddie. My partner.

There you go. I love it. Peckerhead. There she goes, everybody. Kaylee. And Andrew Sacks is next. Waiting for Andrew. How about a hand for the staff here at Antones?

Letting us do this chaotic show every Monday at one of the most famous blues clubs in the history of the world. They're saying no. Nope. No, Andrew Sacks. Okay. All right. I don't understand how this happens.

You have to have a new check out system or something. If people leave, they have to let you guys know or else they get blacklisted. They're all murdered by the magician. Wow. This is crazy. This guy made his first appearance on the show on episode 500. Very, very interesting character. Very Texas.

Make some noise for Ridge Hirschberger, everybody. This guy ended up, this guy had such an interesting story. She ended up getting the first ever lap dance in the history of Kill Tony from Kaylee. She ended up upside down on his lap. Ridge Hirschberger. It's your baby. He's coming. Ridge is coming.

We got him, right? Yeah. All right. Ridge Hirschberger. This guy's wild. Represents Texas very well. You guys are going to see real fucking Billy go. Oh, look, she's getting escorted.

Here he is, everybody. Ridge Hirschberger, everyone. Come on, make some noise for Ridge, everybody. Holy cow. My name is Ridge, like a mountain. I know what you guys are thinking, Ridge. That's a unique name. Yeah.

I was named after where I was conceived. The North Ridge Mall. Parking lot. That's my middle name. Ridge Parking Lot Hirschberger. The second. My brother's name is corn silo. Farmer friendly crowd, eh?

I'm from Pennsylvania, and I grew up around a lot of Amish people. And before I came to Austin, one of them got struck by lightning, right? Which is crazy. I wonder if he'll get shunned for using electricity. Thank you, guys. There it is. Ridge Hirschberger coming in and out. Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.

I love it. You're a real fucking... Everything about you is real. When I first met you on Kill Tony 500, I thought you were like playing it up. I'm like, this guy's trying to be like a hillbilly character, like from the middle of nowhere. And I've done some research on you since then, and it turns out you really are this guy. Wow, you researched this for me. Yeah, I did some...

I got some deep intel reports on Ridge Hirschberger. Someone found your Instagram and showed me a picture of you in front of a real Confederate flag. Oh, no. What? Yeah, you didn't delete that one when everybody was talking about Confederate flags. This is not true. It is true if you want to bring it up. Let me delete it.

It's Ridge Hirschberger online. I thought you were watching my TikToks. You have the last name of like an entertainment attorney from Los Angeles. Yeah. Ridge Hirschberger. So crazy. Like I would hire an Arthur Hirschberger for financial stuff. Yeah, a lot of people think I'm Jewish, but I'm not.

I bet that's a deep insult to you when they say that. I'm sure you react kindly when they say, are you Jewish? What is your least favorite race? I'll go first. Filipinos. Not for me. Not for me. Not for me.

How about you? You have an answer there? Mennonites. Oh, okay. You almost got Tim to spit-take there. Jesus Christ. That was amazing. Mennonites.

Oh, God. They use electricity. Wow. I don't even know these. I didn't even know that was a thing. What are you looking at? There's more than one. You have an entire Confederate flag Instagram.

Yeah, it's a real who's who of Confederate flags. Where are you from? Where are you from? Central Pennsylvania. Altoona. Altoona. Can you imagine? What's the population at a place like that?

That's 60,000, but the town I'm from is 500. What's that town? Martinsburg. Okay. You ever had sex with a wild animal before? Oh, shit. Kaley. Oh, shit.

Kaley dropping missiles from side stage. She said not yet, but she hates sex, remember? She likes racists. Okay. Okay. Red band. All right. No, but I have collected semen from a bowl before.

You have collected semen from a bowl. Yes. You did that. How'd you do that? With your butt or your mouth? Swallow or spit. There is two different ways you can do it. One way is you can use an artificial vagina and it's like the size of a rocket launcher

and you bring a cow in. How big is a rocket launcher? Can you show us? Like three feet, because that's how long bowl's penises are. At least three feet. All right. So then you bring a female cow in that's in heat and you tire up and then you bring the bowl in and as the bowl's jumping on the cow, you put the rocket launcher on its

penis. Wow. Jesus. And the cow jumped over the moon. Oh my goodness. That is one of the dirtiest nursing rhymes I've ever heard in my life. I love it. So how long did it take you and were you showing the bowl any kind of porn, perhaps dick trainers

dot com or something like that? Well, we didn't do it that way. We did the other way, which is easier. You just like put an electric dildo in its ass and then electrocuted and then it just comes. Wow. Now I know what David Lucas' jokes are going to be next week on May. When you catch it with a cup and it kind of looks like melted ice cream.

And then what do you do with it? You put it in liquid nitrogen to keep it cold. Why are you doing this stuff? Oh, to breed cows. One cup can breed 500 cows. Special occasion. Fuck yeah. Look at that.

And to drink it. My goodness. Do you drink it? No. Oh. Wow. One load can breed 500 cows. Yes.

My God. Have you ever seen a sheep's vagina? No, I'm not into sheep. They are right there at dick level. Anyways. I love it, Ridge. What do you think is one of the most hillbilly things about you? What do you think you still do in which you're like, God, that is just so country?

I don't know. I was here in Austin like three weeks ago. And the first night I went out and I went to that place that has a mechanical bowl. I tried to ride it, but it was broken. And I convinced the people that I could fix it. And they let me try to fix it for half an hour. What happened? Did you jerk it off and collect the demon?

No, I wasn't able to fix it. I convinced them I was electrical engineer. Ridge, if you had any, we found out the reason why you got a lap dance on episode 500 was because we found out that it's been a while since you were with a lady, right? Have you gotten lucky at all since then? No, it hasn't helped at all. Wow. Really?

Have you at least been talking to girls or anything like that? Yeah, sometimes. How does that normally go for you? Where do you think it goes wrong? I don't know. I'm just not... Confederate flag, maybe. I just, I don't know, I'm not interested in all the city girls as much.

I like country girls more and I've been intimidated by the city girls, really, because I don't know what to talk to them about, like jerking off bulls or... Right. Yeah. So you're looking to find yourself a real nice, stupid country girl. At least a thousand acres, so. At least a thousand acres? Yeah, a thousand acres.

At least, yeah. That's good. Wow. We got to double it. Hell yeah. My goodness. Any country girls in the audience tonight? Any...

Anyone from La Porte? Okie dokie. Nope. Still no one. No one's interested, Ridge. What are your parents' farmers? Yes. Awesome.

What were they farming? What were they... Dairy farmers. So, like, I've touched a lot of titties. I bet you have. There you go. I bet you have. And since there's nobody else in here that's a dairy farmer, probably more than anyone

else here. Hell yeah. You milked that for all it was worth. That's for sure. I love it. Uh-oh. There's one horny country girl starting to chirp up back there. Ah, cow titties are good.

Cow titties. Oh, she just got the joke that he made 35 seconds before. Everybody hear that? Titties. Those are the only titties you've been touching, guy that just made that exact joke. Are you living here now? Yes. Fuck yeah.

Yeah. It all sounds like a big city, right? Oh, massive. Massive, yeah. What part of... Four blocks. Three of them are closed for a homeless wedding or whatever the hell. It's downtown as a dump.

Tell Joe Rogan to get us the fuck out of here. Anyway, I'm kidding. I'm telling you. Great to be here. They did. Great to be here. Him and Ron White lied to us. They said, come to Austin.

Get out of LA. Get away from all the traffic and homeless people. Yeah, right. Come live in Austin. Very, very interesting, Ridge. You chew tobacco? Of course. Yeah.

Yeah. What kind of tobacco do you chew? Copenhagen winterdream. You are the real deal. Woo! Look at that. One fucking guy from Flugerville in the back. Hey.

What's up with the Flugerville scene? It works. I like jokes that work. School of cherry is where it's at. All right. There's Burbank Brian over here. I love it, Ridge. So what's the next plan?

What part of the city do you live in? What did you decide here? I think it's east of here. Yeah, east of here. Okay. You go... You use a compass to get here? Yeah.

Ride my horse. God damn it. I need to get home. I'm confused. In the city here, they don't have anywhere to tie up your horse. Let me find the north star so I can get my ass home. Yeah. You drive?

Yeah. What kind of car do you have? Toyota Prius. Get the fuck out of here. You're a city boy. Ridge, you fraud! It's the closest thing to a gas miles and a horse kit. Oh my God.

Jesus. When you said that you used a fake vagina on a bull, I didn't realize you were talking about your car. I hate Priuses so much. They're the worst. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Dang. My first truck was an F-250 diesel Parastroke 6.0 though. Yeah. Oh shit. You got Kaley squirting over there. I saw a little stream. Looks like one of those little Roman fountains. I love it.

Kaley, do you think Ridge Hershberger ever has a real chance with you? Oh, Ridge, what do you think about this? Do you think you can handle a girl like Kaley? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. All the testosterone left your body right before you answered that question. Ridge, always fun to have you on, man.

Congratulations. A great second appearance. There he goes. Ridge Hershberger, our last bucket poll, which means we just have time for one more regular everybody. This young man, very, very killtony famous, famously beat the entire system of comedy over at Second City over two decades of experience at, yeah, yeah, do it,

at Second City. Got diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, and decided to chase his dream of being a stand-up comedian, was a regular on this show immediately after that. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Michael Lairer, everyone. Here he is. Always exciting, always a brand new minute from Michael. Absolute crowd favorite here.

And Austin resident. Here he is, everybody. Michael Lairer, everyone. Come on. Your final comedian of the night. Texans, y'all be faking with me too much. I'm learning Tex-Mex Kung Fu. It's called Tobotiko.

It means be like water, or hassu, rusa, agua, pintang, manikou, keli, inden. Miyama, miga, komusin, yama, keli, inden. Faking. Austin faking defines their police, but the sidewalks look like earthquake art. On behalf of the entire disabled community, suck our unused dick, Austin.

My doctor is like, oh, you can take your pills with the elbow sauce. Yeah, every 40-year-old guy likes to hear that. Can I eat my pills with pussy? Can I punch them up and stroke them out of a lady boy's asshole? There it is, Michael Lairer, everybody. Absolute shredding up here. Great set, my friend. Yeah, Tony.

Tony was bullying me before this show. He's trying to get in my head like he always does. And he's like, what did you drink today? I'm like, nothing. And he's like, tell me, tell me. Trying to fuck with me. And then I come and I crush. So fuck you, Tony.

Wow. Well, just for the record. I love that. It's the first time he's mentioned that, but the records show that he said I do it all the time and I always kill. So maybe I'm doing something right. Yeah.

What do you think? Phil Jackson had to coach Michael Jordan, my friend. Yeah, but at least... And Michael Jordan wasn't in a fucking wheelchair, by the way. Yeah, but Phil Jackson gave all these players books and you never give a shit. Does Tony ever hit you on the legs with bamboo sticks or anything? Yeah.

For real? For real. I have a yardstick that I use on Michael. Oh, yardstick. That was my mom's weapon growing up. It used to be a ruler, but then the COVID six feet or whatever. For real. It's so stupid.

It's literally three feet long. I can't believe I just said that. But Tony helped me out and he cut my nose hairs. I did. I trimmed Michael's nose hairs this week. Absolutely. We were having coffee together and he laughed at one point and tilted his head back and my mind was completely blown

to see that he had a fucking Sherwood forest through his fucking nostrils. I'm like, wow, this guy... Give me that manscaper. I'm like, this is the most handy cat part about you, Michael. We need to take care of this. I know. And I did.

I used my manscape nose trimmer and that thing was fucking working over time. We got it done. I swear to God, I've never seen nose hairs in my life like I cleaned out of this fucking guy's skull. And they're like still wool. That's where I get my heart from. Fuck you.

I love it. You tried to make me look like a bad guy in the beginning of this interview and then you accidentally admitted that I trimmed your nose hairs this week. It's a real asshole move. Hey, I've been an announcement. Oh, he has an announcement.

Since all the strange pussy dried up from me in Austin, I'm getting back together with my nurse. Hey. Look at that, everybody. The famous nurse slash girlfriend Colette is moving to Austin. Yeah.

You know what? Some life is chaotic and sometimes you have to be with an old wife because they do it with good credit. That's right. That's right. The thunderstorm is coming. Absolutely.

Colette is coming to rain you in a little bit, right? No, I'm fucking that bitch. She's actually a good woman. I was really sad when you moved here without her and she's always been such a sweetheart and a helper for you. Yeah, but I was promised an anal. You won't give me anal?

No. Well, you need to get her drunk. There you go. I know. I'm waking up. There you go. Red Band's advice is to rape her butthole, everybody. There you go.

Okay. Tim, you've seen Michael before. He's the best. Yeah. Thank you, Tim. He deserves anal. Thank you. He does.

Thank you. Lady should, I'm pretty sure if you walk right out on the street, you can get fucked in the ass here within 25 minutes. You said that and I moved here literally to get laid until I die. And the wheelchair is a deal breaker. I've cured it for me. I used to get fucked all the time. That's a wheelchair.

I know a midget lady in a wheelchair that's literally a sex addict. That's right. I could hook you two up. You guys could go roll around fucking like Mario Kart. Dude. Like Princess in Toad out there. Men are discussing that midget lady in the wheelchair gets fucked by 12 black hearts at night.

All right. Wait. How do you know this? Tiktok. Okay. Red Band, really, again. I mean, Justin really dialed in tonight. No better time for a fart noise.

I get to use one. There you go. I guess so. We've really been saving it for that moment. Michael, what else? Anything else before we go? No. There it is.

Michael Lair, everybody. MichaelLairComedy.com. Going to get the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt here. Let's look at the drawing from Chris Rogers. What do we have over there? Here's to be some type of art. MichaelLair. MichaelLairComedy.com.

How about a hand for the band, everybody? John Dees. Here's the drawing from Chris Rogers. Look at that. Oh, that's awesome. That is so cool. It's the Terminator. How about a hand for Matt Mueling on guitar.

John Dees on the keys. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Thank you to all the comedians that we're on tonight. Here's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt. Wow. Take a look at that, Tim Dillon. Look at you. Amazing.

How fucking cool. Amazing. Shades of like a James Bond type of theme. Very, very awesome stuff. RyanJEbelt.com for the new Kill Tony coloring book. All the new posters. And make sure you check out. I've been saying since day one.

The first time I brought this guy on the show, Tim Dillon, I said, this is the future. This guy's the best. And look at you fucking now. Well, thank you for having me. I appreciate it. One more bit. How loud can this place get for Tim Dillon, everybody?

We love him. Thank you. Guest of the year, 2018, 2019, 2020. Already on his way to get taken it in 2021. If you're not, and I know that you are, because you guys that are fans of this show, are like the real biggest comedy fans. You guys fucking love comedians talking to comedians about comedy.

So I'm sure you already are. But if you're not, of course, become a fan and a Patreon member of the Tim Dillon show. Get into the game, because this is the future and the present right here. We love you, Tim Dillon. And thank you to the live audience for coming out. Red Band, anything else?

Hey, we got a show at Vulcan this Wednesday and every week at Vulcan. Check it out. Thank you, Antones. Thank you, audience. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.