KILL TONY - #506 - BRIAN HOLTZMAN

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

Brian Holtzman, Zac Bogus, Michael Lehrer, David Lucas, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/26/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every podcast we do at Death Squad can be found on our website DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website ShopSquad.tv for everything merch. We have Death Squad hats and shirts and Kill Tony shirts. Go to ShopSquad.tv. If you want to find out anything about Tony Hinchcliff and his tour and his merch, you can go to TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, he draws every episode and you go to RyanJEbelt.com to get your books and prints. And if you want to see us live, you can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Not only do we have a show every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we are always on tour. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Antones in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliff. Come on, Austin, Texas. We're live. Make some fucking noise, everybody. It's a real

live show. This is what makes this podcast different is you guys are here and look, Brian Red Band. Hey, everybody. What's up? How exciting. What a great churchgoing start of the show that we have. Some empty tables here. What is happening? I think the ticket scalpers are getting the best of Kill Tony now it is. Scalper shit we just learned about. Yeah, we have to figure this out. If you're listening to this, do not buy your tickets on scalpers. Just don't do it because you're going to help them out and then they're going to do this shit every week. And also, why not, why not swing by if you're

bored on a Monday and see if tickets are available at the door? Because 10, 15 minutes after the show starts, we're going to start seating these tables with human beings anyway. But for those of you that are here that bought your tickets legally, how about you make some noise, everybody? We're here. It's a Monday night. No one has more fun than us. Very, very, very exciting stuff happening. We have the great Ryan J. E. Belt all the way in Los Angeles, California, drawing tonight's episode all prints are available. Ryan J. E. Belt dot com, including the new Kill Tony, the coloring book and other fun stuff on the way. Big stuff coming there at Ryan J. E. Belt dot com. If you've ever been to a road

episode or anything like that, the posters from that show are still available there. We also have a local artist, Chris Rogers, right behind us drawing something. He draws every week alive in front of the live audience. We're all stuffed up on food thanks to our friend Yoni over at Best Barbecue Show, C. M. Smokehouse of Bolden Acres. I swear to God, people, this is not just like a sponsor that we just talk about because they give us food or money or anything. We're literally massive fans. The raving reviews of people that we have here every single week that eat this food is amazing. Literally. You know I would never say this if it's not true. One of the best Philly cheese steaks I've ever had in

my life. A brisket patty melt. They have the Crunchwrap Supreme. If you like the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme, they have their version of it and it blows my mind. You guys have to check it out. It's called C. M. Smokehouse of Bolden Acres. Make a Monday routine out of it. Go to C. M. Smokehouse of Bolden Acres before the show. Come see Kill Tony. Go to the Red Rose, Yellow Rose afterwards. It's the whole Kill Tony super packet. How about a hand for the band, everybody? They're here. John Dees is out this week. This is the official Fix Vodka Kill Tony band brought to you by Fix Vodka. Alkaline Vodka. John Dees is out this week and look who fucking stepped up. The great D. Madness out front tonight. Have

some fun with my boy D. Madness. Lorenzo Jackson. How about a hand for on electric guitar. Matt Mueling is here, everybody. He has a collection of Mario figurines that he gets at H.E.B. Who loves H.E.B. here, huh? Where are my H.E.B. people? We love H.E.B. here at Kill Tony. And how about a big hand coming off of one of the, not one of, coming off of the biggest Mexican drum off in the history of the show, drummer Michael Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen. All local Austin talent. This place is filled with great musicians and we're super, super excited about tonight's show. We have a fun one for you. But before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available

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take care of your ED and remember get started today and you'll save $15 on your first order of ED treatment. Use the code Tony to help with your bony. And we're back. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show live from Antones in Austin, Texas? Every single one of these episodes, we always have one or two of my favorite human beings, some of the best comedians in the world. And this is a big one for those of you that are real comedy fans here about to lose your fucking minds because this guy an absolute legend at the comedy store closed the main room under Mitzi Shor's tutelage for decades. Everybody, this is a guy that all of your favorite comedians hustle into the room to go watch. This is the guy that your favorite comedians watch late at night. He's an insane man,

comedy store legend, kill Tony legend, make some fucking noise for the great and powerful Brian Holtzman, everybody. Oh, shit. Oh, this is one of those off the rails episodes. Our man, the wild goat. Brian Holtzman is here, ladies and gentlemen. Brian, how are you this evening? You're damn right. We're going to have so much fun. Let's get this party started. Shall we? Is there anything I'm missing? I don't think so. You guys know how the show works. We have a record here tonight. By the way, make some noise. It's a record for signups here tonight. We hit over 85 signups for the show. People are up on the second floor watching a screen, a giant screen, watching the stream of the show that you're in the room watching, hoping that I pull one of their names out of this here bucket.

If I pull their name, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up. Earl sure going to bring out the angry warehouse district bear. There it is. That's the bear. And there's a sheep and a bird for good measure. Holtzman gets excited when he hears the animals. You guys ready to start the show? Anything can happen. It could be a local legend that I pull out of the bucket. It could be one of you. Perhaps you signed up for your first time ever doing stand up comedy here tonight. You guys sure you're ready to start the show? Come on. This is Austin, Texas, home of the blues. Are you guys ready for a crazy Monday? There you go. Okay, good enough. That's a six out of 10. Yeah, it's okay. It's all right. Definitely Monday energies here

tonight. We have some tables, some, some tables, some older people are here to make some noise for the older people. Everybody freshly vaccinated. Don't forget to shut your fucking phones off. That's right. And here we go. The show starts now. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to a man named Paul Cyphers. Paul Cyphers is going to start tonight's show. Very, very exciting stuff. Paul Cyphers is coming to the stage from one of these areas. Paul Cyphers. Here we go. Here he comes. That flash means Paul Cypher. Here he is. Everybody make some noise for your first comedian tonight, Paul Cyphers. Oh, I'm so happy to be here. I had a really rough weekend. I got hit by the same drunk driver two times this weekend. I was sitting in the passenger seat. My dad punched me in both my

eyes. So that's what happens when you mess with the radio. I used to be in a band. We had to break up. My drummer wanted to go for more of an indie rock vibe, and I wanted him to stop having sex with my girlfriend. So it's creative differences, really. I'm a vegan, but please hold your applause. On top of being a vegan, my day job, not a joke. I'm an exterminator. I'm a vegan exterminator. First off, vegan exterminator sounds like a username on an alt-right subreddit. I'm going to be honest. Vegan exterminator. That's like being an Amish guy that works at Best Buy. Hi, I'm Jeb Adai. I'll be helping you here at Geek Squad today. The problem with your phone is there's a lot of dirt in the charging port, and it's the devil. So it's going to ruin your family.

There you go. Looking for the cat. There he is, and he's spot on. Paul Cyphers, everybody. Hell yeah. Paul, welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? Absolutely. You look like a healthy Lena Dunham. Hell yeah. Lena Duncombs. I love it. Welcome, Paul. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About three years. Three years, all of it here in Austin? No, I just moved here at the beginning of April. This is your first time on? I swear to God, I've seen you before here. I look like a lot of people from Austin, so. Okay, yeah. Yes, you do. Where'd you move from? Massachusetts, Worcester, Massachusetts. Wow, Worcester. We just had someone else. He's my roommate here last week. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. You guys are both made the, you made the drive from Worcester? Yep,

we actually drove down like in a convoy together, yeah. Okay, just the two of you? Yep, and then we have another roommate from Worcester who also, he just didn't drive down with us, but he also lives here. How many men did you live with in Worcester? Two. Okay. Other Worcester, man. And you all made the move together? Yep. Look at that. You seem very close with these guys. Do you ever do anything wacky with them? You're a vegan. You don't believe in putting meat in those types of places, do you? You have a girlfriend, Paul? No, no, I don't know. When's the last time you went on a date? Yesterday. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. Tell us about it. How'd you find this girl? She's a comic, so I don't want to talk about it too much. Oh, come on. It's okay. We have to,

trust me, she would throw you under the bus in a heartbeat if she was up here right now. So like what, you guys were like doing an open mic or something like that? And yeah, I found her, like she added me on Instagram when I was moving here and we just went out a few times last night being the last time and some, I'm hoping it would be a girlfriend situation, but too early to call, I guess. Oh, she's going to love it when she's going to get so wet when she hears this part of this podcast. Oh, Paul, you're hoping it's a girlfriend situation? I love it. Jolanda Kiss or anything last night? Anything crazy? Yeah, yeah, a little bit of heavy petting making out. Heavy petting? What are we talking about? What is that? Heavy petting?

What do you think that measures that? Is that three fingers? That's no, that's the thumb. You're doing the hitchhiker twirl. Yeah. Some heavy petting. Do you exterminate that pussy then? Take it. Take it. Take it. Thank you. Thank you. Don't ask. Take it. What are you doing? So what is heavy petting exactly, Paul? What does that measure out to be? I don't know. Just a lot of like over the pants stuff when you're saying goodbye. Over the pants. Oh shit, dude. That's when you grind and you have like that rash the next morning. Do you have blue balls? Do you have a little upset belly after the hang? I mean, you take care of it afterwards. I know, but you answer my question. I've never had blue balls. You've never had blue balls? Never felt anything from it.

Really? Jesus, you might have low testosterone. No, actually, I had my first blue ball when I was like 32 or something like that. And I was like, oh, that's what they're talking about. Really? Yeah, I never had it work. It's like a motherfucker. Yeah, I got them right now, just looking at that beautiful head of hair he was. How do you, how do you, how do you handle split hairs? You know, what do they call it, split ends? Very beautiful hair. We're all gonna fuck you after this show. That's exciting. Not over the pants either, Paul. We're going under the pants when we fuck you. We're gonna do the thumb thing. I love it. You seem like a really cool guy. What else about you? What do you like to do for fun when you're not doing stand up?

I play a lot of video games. All right. How exciting. What kind of video games are we talking about? I play a lot of computer. I play Counter Strike. Okay, popular game. All right. What else? What other than video games? Paul, give us something a little bit more exciting than video games. I honestly, I just, I don't have a job. I just walk around for about three hours a day and then I go to open mics. So okay, I'm having a pretty boring assistance lately. Why do you walk around? It's like trails behind my house. I just walk around, listen to music, listen to music. What kind of music do you listen to? I listen to a lot of different stuff, but a lot of like punk and hardcore. Okay. You ever been in a band or anything like that? Yeah. Like five years ago,

before I did comedy. What was the name of the band? I was in a band called Rend. They're like. Rend? Rend, R-E-N-D. So it's French for like. Oh, Rend. Rend. I've never heard of it. Can you give us a little example? Sing us a little. Come on, you have absolutely positively have to. That's the catch with getting the catch with coming on the show and getting introduced to, you know, hundreds of thousands of the biggest stand up comedy fans in the world is that you have to fucking bury your soul every once. How many of you think you should sing a line from a, a punk song right now? It's yelling. This is the exchange right now. It's not singing. It's yelling. It's not. Okay. Well, absolutely. Whatever the fuck. I know, I know, but you're

really, you're really giving it away. Like this is like a magician saying it's going to be a pigeon that comes out of my sleeve. Like you're supposed to surprise the audience with the yelling. You are not supposed to really tip it off like that. But now I get now look at your body language. You're crossing your arms. Everything's shutting down. What kind of punk singer crosses his arms before it? That's like, all right. There you go. Just make you feel at home a little bit. We're just warming you up. You want to punk? Michael, give you a little punk beat. Give him one of those wacky fucking. Did you guys play like Everlong or something? I know it's not punk, but you think D madness knows whatever long is. That's what he calls his dick.

Come on. Give him a wacky fucking. Give him some. Yeah. Fucking ladies and gentlemen, this is Paul Cypher's. Come on, sing it. Fucking yell, motherfucker. What the fuck is up, Austin? I said, what the fuck is up, Austin? All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. This is why I never got into fucking punk music. I never got it. You guys all act all tough and then you're like, I don't know what to do. I don't even know. Why are you doing this to me? Teenage angst, man. You grow out of it, right? I'm telling you, dude. Give this fucking guy an AK-47 in middle school. You know what I mean? That's what he, all right. Paul, fun times. Thanks for getting the party started for us. Great, great stuff. There he is. Paul Cypher's, everybody.

Wait, wait, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Come back. Jesus, Paul. My God, you're running away like you're fucking. Don't you know Holtzman always gives presents to the guests? Yeah, look at that. Oh, you're getting two gifts. That's a pair of, that's a thong. Give that to your girl. You could slide that to the side. You're not gay if you wear it over your underwear. All right. Thank you. It's very cool. Women's panties and a microphone keychain. Gifts from Brian Holtzman. You know what? I got one more for you. Here's something really cool. Okay. This is a really cool thing. I don't know if you guys can see this or not, but who better to give this to than a vegan? Do you use leather products? You don't? Are you going to give, are you going to give this to this little whore

you've been sleeping with? No, no, no. I'll value it a lot. It's a leather joke book handmade by a fan. Adrian Cavazos. I would love it. Are you going to keep it for yourself? I swear to God. I promise you, Tony. If I see you at a fucking, at a comedy club, I'm going to ask you to show me this. I will have it on me at all times. And if you don't have it, I'm going to blacklist you from this show forever. I promise you. All right. This is made by Adrian Cavazos. He's Bones Eye on Instagram. I don't know if you guys can see that. It is an incredible handmade leather kill Tony joke book. And there you go. That's for you. A bunch of gifts. All right. Let me have the panties back. You can't have two of you fucking. Ultimate takes the panties. Why do you have that? There

he goes. Paul Sipers, everybody. He's on Instagram at real Paul Sipers. C Y P H E R S. Why did Holtzman have panties and the hangers still on it also? Because he bought them. Those are real. Hey now. Hey now. Holy cow. I got the blue balls now. Maximilian Manticoff is next. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the Red Rose. How about a big hand for our friend, Kaylee Funk. She's here. That reminds me the Red Rose this Thursday, people, is celebrating their one year anniversary featuring adult film stars, Teal Conrad and Nina Ellie, sponsored by Fleshlight. Kaylee helps us keep the microphones clean between every comedian. All right. Here he is, your next comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Maximilian Manticoff, everybody.

What's up, guys? If you can't tell, white people, I'm Hispanic. I grew up Hispanic. I have a little cousin. She's five years old and she's five five. And my aunt thinks if she plays basketball, she'll become a lesbian. So what my family thinks, which is kind of weird because honestly speaking, if she ends up being 6'4", she's eating pussy regardless. Just saying. Give her a chance. She might make it to the WNBA. Make $40,000 a year. Some of you don't like that, but all of you don't go to WNBA games. I've been running recently, so I think I know what ladies go through during sex now. 30 seconds into it, I'm like, man, I don't want to do this 30 minutes later. I'm like, yo, that was good for me mentally. And if my legs are shaking, I'm getting ice cream.

Thank you. All right. Getting out at 48 seconds, Maximilian Manticoff. Welcome to the show. You've been on here before, right, Maximilian? Yeah, like two weeks ago, actually. I always remember a Maximilian. Welcome back. What did we find out two weeks ago when you were on? I ran with the Bulls. Oh, that's right. In Spain, absolutely. What do you think about Maximilian's performance, Brian Holtzman? I thought it was very, very constructive. I like the way you weaved in and out of your racial racism and tried to put that on to the side and your hatred for white people and your ability to support LBGT, EBN, BEA. Absolutely. That's everything I was going to say. You said it better than I could have said it. Maximilian, you were here a couple

weeks ago. I remember now the running of the Bulls, the whole thing. What's something, if you thought about your appearance on the show in the last two weeks, and did you think about anything else that you might want to share with us about your life or anything that you've done? I saw you, I think last week, talk about like the shooting of the mass shooting up north. Where did you see me talk about that here? No, no, over a Vulcan. That was fake news. That was fucking fake news. I was at the target inside that same parking lot that got evacuated. Wow. Yeah. And they just send us outside. There's an active shooter and just told us to go outside. I was like, this doesn't seem safe. But my goodness, especially when you're at a place that literally

has a target over it, right? Yeah. Were you scared? Were you like really scared? Yeah, there was a lady, she was on the phone and she was like, I'm with my daughter does an active shooter outside. And it was terrifying because we had no idea what's going on. I'm looking at the citizens app. And like I said, they're just shooting us outside all the old people still carrying their carts. Did you do any cool TikToks? I didn't know I should have, right? There you go. Good question. Any cool TikToks. The craziest part is that the shooter was actually the comedian that was on right before you. So very interesting stuff. Maximilian fun times. What ethnicity are you again? Argentinian. I'm Hispanic. What are Argentinians known for? What do you notice about

your life? Like I'm Italian, so I can always eat pasta. They're like the Italians of South America. It's like everything's just everyone wants to be Italian. And we know that. I mean, we knew you were a lot of your people came to us, dude. The fuck are you talking about? Your people came to Argentina. You guys fucked up our culture. What do you mean? What do we do? You bought a lot of bread and pasta, dude. All right. You know what? This is racist. And I'm not into racial humor at all. We helped you guys. You guys didn't know how to make bread before the Italians did it. And we thank you. Thank you. That reminds me. I had some of the best pasta in my life. Some of my buddies are here from the great restaurant, Shae Z. Oh, fuck yeah. How many of you know about

Shae Z? They're awesome. We just randomly stumbled into this place. We didn't even know what we were going into. Had an unbelievable lunch. Our friends over at Shae Z. That is awesome to have this much food. And we are just hearing about it, you know, since we've moved here. Mines. Mines are just blown every single day. Today I had a ramen at Tatsuya for the first time ever. Oh, my God. See the catch with some of these things like Tatsuya just fucked up at a mommy everywhere else for me. They're spicy at a mommy literally 20 times better than any other fucking at a mommy I've ever had. And I eat it all the time. Where's the best barbecue spot? Haven't had a barbecue since I've been here. C.M. Smokehouse at Bolden Acres. That's an easy one. We love C.M. Smokehouse.

Buckeyes. There you go. 100%. Buckeyes you meant. What's your love life like Maximilian? You're a good looking Argentinian guy. What's what's going on with you? I'm in a relationship. Yeah, I've been in a relationship for about a year now, almost a year. Uh-huh. Yeah. What does she do? She's a doctor. She bends over and takes it like a woman should. What kind of doctor is she? Family medicine. Family medicine. Wow. She's like a real doctor. She makes doctor money. She just graduated literally a week ago. Are you pointing a gun at me right now in your jacket? Just in case, you know. Oh, wow. That's crazy. I thought it was a knife. There's a little bomb there at the end. He has a grenade. He's flicking us off. That's what he's doing because of the

Italian shit. So she's a real doctor and you're out here just fucking gagouts and around. That's exactly what I'm doing now. And she supports your comedy career? She does. Yeah. I actually met her at a comedy show. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. Laughter is the best medicine after all. All right, Maximilian. Well, you were just on a couple of weeks ago, so we're going to hustle on to the next one, another new minute from Maximilian Manticop. Right, thank you. There he goes. Max Manticop on Instagram. Max with two X's. Wait, we got to see what the gifts from Brian Holtzman. Oh my God. Let's see what's up. Whoa. Those are some underwear for a legit doctor right there and another microphone keychain. Those keychains are so cool. I think I figured out what Brian's doing. That's

spandex. That'll give. That'll give and breathe. Dallin Garrett is next. Dallin Garrett, but not before the great Kaley Funk switches out the microphone for a brand new clean COVID friendly microphone. You can find Kaley at the red rose, not to be confused with the yellow rose, the sister club. Both are here in Austin. Those are the two most famous strip clubs in Austin. How many of you love strip clubs out there? Make some noise, huh? All right. Okay. So Dallin Garrett, I do believe this is a new name. Here comes Dallin, everybody. Make some noise for Dallin Garrett. Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony, live from Antones in Austin, Texas. All right. Thank you guys for that pity applause. Like last place at the special Olympics.

So the first joke is for you, Tony. Yeah, I know, right? So I've been jerking off a lot lately. Just out of sheer boredom. Because that's how bad traffic is on Mopac. So I find dating can be weird sometimes for me. A lot of women, they treat me like I am a god to them. I know, right? It's because they only talk to me when they need something. So, yeah. So there's a fascinating book that I recommend. It's on the bestseller's list. It's on the history of fake news. I recommend everybody check it out. It's called the Holy Bible. All right. So here we go. I'm going to try this real fast in honor of Humpty from, oh, nope, never mind. I'm not going to try it. There you go. Dallin Garrett, everyone.

A lot of people say, describe his comedy as slightly funnier than pancreatic cancer. Incredible. Incredible, incredible. Dallin, welcome to the show. Thanks, man. I love it. First time doing stand up? Six times. Six times ever. How about a hand for him? He's getting started. Getting his footing underneath him. Dallin, what was your last joke going to be? Let's see if maybe it was going to be the big redeemer here. Why don't you do that last? No, it wasn't. It's a horrible joke. Try it. It's not good. It couldn't have been that much worse than everything else you set up there. I mean, it really... What's the difference? Just tell the fucking joke. Oh, shit. Dallin, it's not good. All right, here we go. Dallin, I don't think you

realize how bad the rest of the jokes were. I know. Like, it's really, it cannot be that much worse. Oh, no. Try it, Dallin. Here we go. All right, here we go. This is a real story, by the way. All right, here we go. How long is this? It's a story? No, no, no. Here we go. I, too, have gotten busy in a burking bathroom. I had to take a shit. It was going to take a while. I was going to be there, so I wrapped up and finished up the email for work. Wow. There you go. I only did it for digital underground. I literally made up a joke just for that. I didn't think it was going to be funny. Dallin, just take a breath for a second. Breathe. Are you breathing at all? Have you been holding your breath the whole time that you've been up here? This is very exciting. So, Dallin,

let's talk about your life. You've only done this six times. You started recently. Six times, yes. Right? How long did you start? How many times have you squozened six spots into? Two weeks, two months? I don't really want to say it. I don't want to say it. Nine years, nine years. Your first time performing was nine years ago. Yeah, I did it four times in Florida, just kind of like a bucket list kind of thing. It was fun and not to kiss ass, but I didn't want to go on stage again until this show. Okay. I really want to be honest, guys. This show is so much fun. It's amazing. I feel the anxiety when people come up. I hope they do good. Does it give you a hard on? It gives me a hard on. Wearing those pants, I think we would know if he had a

hard on. I don't know what those things. It's like a giant fucking roll of toilet paper wrapped around you. Mummy pants over here. Dallin, how old are you? I'm 40. 40. And you fought in the military? Am I correct? I joined the military, but no, I didn't fight. So what happened? So how did you join and not fight? They heard your jokes. I heard your jokes. They're like, we can't send this across the seas. Okay. This guy's not even going to tour for the military, not to mention comedy. What happened? How did you join and not serve? Just I had an ankle injury from a basketball high school thing and basketball. Oh my God. They sent me back in the middle of basic. I cannot picture you playing basketball at all whatsoever. I can picture me doing either,

but I rolled my ankle while I was drunk one night and it I feel like D madness would beat you in basketball. He can't picture him at all. D madness out front tonight. I love it. Dallin. So let's talk about it. What else have you been doing your whole life? What do you do for a living? I definitely cannot tell you that I'll get fired. Really? Can you give us a ballpark of what you do? Nope. Really? I'll tell you what I do on part time for fun though. Sure. So I'm a kayak guide. If you guys ever want to check out the bats under the Congress bridge while I'm a licensed scuba instructor. So I got some crazy stories. We want to hear one of those. You were drowning on stage tonight. So it's incredible that you're a scuba instructor. It's incredible. I know.

How long you've been doing that for? Well over 10 years. What's the craziest thing you ever saw under the water? Me taking a shit. You took a shit underwater while on scuba gear. Oh my God. Wow. You also took a shit on stage tonight. That's incredible. I could do this. Everything you tell me you do. I'm going to say you did it on stage tonight. But I really did. Yeah. Like 40 feet under. Wow. There's no avoiding it. And the coral reefs in Austin I heard are just amazing. Coral reefs. Coral reefs? Coral coral reefs. I thought that was Christopher Reeves' brother or something you're talking about. Coral reefs. Sorry. He's a 5150. All right. I know his job. Oh. What's his job? You know. Almost. You're a cop? No. No, no, no. Oh, wait a second. Oh,

shit. Oh, you can't admit to being a cop. Uh oh. Way too skinny to be a cop. Oh, I don't know about that. I don't know. Okay. Way too less muscular to be a cop. That's not true either. Way less brave. It's either cop or a fluffer on a point of shoot. Dallin, what else? What else about you? What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that's had a couple ladies tied to the bed while you go out and do stand-up and things like that, right? You know what? Never been married. No kids. The single life is pretty fun. Hell yeah. Especially when you're a police officer. You get to just do whatever you want with the ladies. You pull them over. It is a federal offense to resist an officer.

So in case y'all didn't know that. Oh, the fact that you know that joke proves that you're a cop. You just accidentally admitted to being a police officer on the show. Busted. Uh oh. All right, Dallin. What else? I feel like there's something else. Let me ask you this because you seem like a real man, right? You seem sort of like a tough guy a little bit, right? What do you think is the coolest thing about you? The coolest thing about me? You seem like a real stiff, so I'm asking you. That's so narcissistic. You know what? I mean, I don't know. I like to travel a lot. I play a lot of sports and things like that. What kind of sports? San volleyball, softball, you name it.

I mean, anything. San volleyball and softball. I play a lot of San volleyball. Do you exclusively only play women's sports? You know, San volleyball, softball, pussy tag. Where do you bury the bodies? Tell us the truth. It's my understanding that here lately, guys can join women's sports and that's bigotry for you to say that's like to make fun of that. That's what I was saying. That's true. That's true. Like I plan on dominating women's chests. Because I'm going to enter those chest tournaments as a male. Identifying as a female. All right, Dallin. Like it's a sport. All right. Dallin is an interesting name. You ever ask your parents why they named you Dallin? D-A-L-L-O-N? It's a long,

boring story, but yeah, I do know the reason why they named me that, yeah. It's a long, boring story. Do you have anything about doing it in your minute? Because it would really fit your brand. I said long. I said long story. I don't have time for a short, boring story. I love it. 60 seconds is a short, boring story. Dallin, we pulled names out of this bucket of all different shapes and sizes and it's always fun to see everybody get a different shot. I love that you're a fan of the show. I love that you came out here and gave it a shot. Thanks for having the courage. Real fast though. Oh, shit. I need to tell you. This never works out when people do this thing that you're about to do.

You go ahead though. Let's see. You could be the chosen one. I need to tell you why I signed up. Okay, Dallin. I'm asking for a huge favor. Oh, this is the worst of the worst. It doesn't get any worse than this. Get ready. I'm going to want money for sick kids. Watch. No, no, no, no. I get one free get out of jail then. I've been like five killed Tony's. I've been signing up the last few weeks for one reason only. Okay. You are all about to pick on me. I don't care. This is how much I badly want this job. I want to be Joe Rogan's bartender at his new club. Okay. Okay. Let me tell you something, Dallin. I love that. I love that. I asked him. I asked him at one point during this interview. What's the coolest thing about you? And he goes,

oh man, I don't want to sound narcissistic. And then he just literally asked for the coolest job ever invented. I just want to be the... Look, I've never bartend. Have you ever bartend before? I'm a legit bartender. Yeah. Well, I mean, not really because I literally asked you what you do for a living and you're like, can't tell you that, but I'll tell you my side job is kayaking and scuba diving. Nowhere did you mention bartending. There's literally been someone recruited and hired that people that literally comedians give her money to hang out with them. That's who you're competing against. And she's already got the job. Dallin, you're a psychopath for asking that. I don't even know who you're talking about. I know. How would

you know? How would you know who the biggest bartender in the comedy business is? How could you pause? She's literally... I don't know. Let's ask Joe exactly. This guy thinks... Yep, exactly. This guy thinks he should be the bartender. Joe, what do you think? That's nonsense. Okay, there you go. That's the answer for Joe. I love that you had the balls to ask, though. Wait, wait. There might be multiple bartenders at this position. So, you know, I'm sure... There's not a snowflake's chance and now this guy is getting a bartending job. Joe said utter nonsense. Wow, really? Why would... Okay, let's do this, Dallin, because you seem really disappointed about this. So let's ask you because this is a good

opportunity that you have. I like you, by the way, Dallin. I like you. Thank you. I just wouldn't hire you for a bartending spot at Joe's club. You're not hiring me. I'm asking you for recommendations for Joe to hire me. 100%. Listen, I mean, there's a thing with this and it's like a lot of people ask for things when they're not qualified. You don't know if I'm qualified. How are you... Give us... Okay, in that case, this just got all very interesting. Tell us exactly your resume and if it impresses us, we'll call Joe Rogan right now on speakerphone. Give us your bartending resume. Let me remind you. You know he's not going to answer, though. What? He's not going to answer. He's too busy. Okay, Dallin. He's not going to answer your

fucking phone call. Jesus Christ, this fucking guy. He's not going to answer my phone call. Hey, Tony, give me a recommendation. He's not going to answer you. You're the fucking... I don't even get it, dude. I tell you what, let's make a bet. Okay. You call him tonight, he answers, then you got to give me a recommendation that he at least gives me an interview. No. Do you hear yourself? I do. I do. Do you hear yourself? I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Give us your resume, Dallin. Oh, man, my resume. It makes no sense. If I call him and he picks up, I have to give the recommendation. Do you even hear yourself? No, no. If he doesn't pick up, if he doesn't pick up. Dallin, okay. Shut the fuck up. Tell us your resume. Tell us

your bartending resume. This is so interesting. I mean, I've bartended in multiple cities, multiple states. Me too. Maybe I should be the bartender. Okay, here we go. You know what? Matthew McConn Hayes' charity event. I've been his private bartender for the last four years. Ah! UT Coaches? Yeah, y'all. You wanted a resume. I don't know. What else have you done? What else have I done for bartending? Yeah, dude. The job you're asking for. Yeah. Hold on. And be honest. Be honest. I'm not trying to be cool, but I namedrop UT Coaches. I namedrop Matthew McConn Hayes, and that's not a good enough resume. I did all their private parties. I did all their private

parties. Like, literally, like, that's how many private parties is Matthew McConn Hayes doing? Dozens over the course of four or five years. Okay. Dozens of times you've bartended private parties. Do you hear yourself? I don't know what you're asking me, man. I don't know. Do you know how many giant comedy clubs there are across the country with bartenders that have worked there for decades that, like, everyone knows? That's out of club, though. You asked for my resume. I was trying to think of the most thing that might impress you, which obviously nothing does, but it's okay. No, it could have. You correct. Let me just ask. What is... I'm going to give you a drink, and you tell me what's in it then, if you're a bartender. No, you're going to do that.

That's so funny. All right. So what's in a commonwealth? Have no clue. Okay. How about an old fashion? Let's do something super easy, an old fashion. I know this one. You must know this one. There's multiple versions of an old fashion. Not really. Oh, there he is. Of course, you could say that. How about a basic old fashion? This is a very simple. I have a delicious whistle pig whiskey that I utilize at home, a bunch of different. That's another local Austin brand that I absolutely love, and I love making an old fashion. If you need help, I'll help you. I could tell you how to do it, but you... Help me. Yeah, I need help. Definitely. Do you like it muddled? Do you like your fruit muddled or no? No. Do you want sugar on the rim? There's no muddled fruit

in an old fashion. No muddled fruit. No old fashion. Really? No. Are you sure? Yeah. I'm fucking positive, dude. Are you sure? You know I bartended for years. You know this? No, I didn't know that. Well, you just fucking learned, didn't you, Doug? And you never muddled fruit. You've never been asked to muddle the fruit for an old fashion. Never, not once. Not once ever. You can add an orange rind. You can add... Look at the bartenders shaking their fucking heads back there. Literally going like this. They want to cut your fucking head off. You're talking about muddling fruit. The bartenders here shocked that you're asking for this. Hold on. She wants to say something. This is going to be fucking great.

How many of you people think we should break a glass over this guy's head right now, huh? Yeah, we're going to let you off easy. There's a pair of underwear. There he goes. Dallin Garrett, everybody. An extra long interview. Dallin, thank you, buddy. Thank you so much, man. Dallin Garrett. Kaylee Funk, give him a little kick in the rear. That was fucking ridiculous. Kaylee Funk, more qualified to be the bartender at Rogan's Club. Still hasn't asked for it. Dallin Garrett decided to use it as his closer. Wait. Remember before he asked about that, I said this never goes well.

By the way, he couldn't even do two drinks. Like two out of two drinks. He didn't know. But to be fair, the one I asked on the Commonwealth does have 71 ingredients in it. But an old fashioned really only has three. And it's whiskey. Half the amount of sweet vermouth to that whiskey, two whiskey to one vermouth with a couple dashes of bitters and maybe a couple cherries or an orange rind. A little bit of plain water, but you never crush the fucking cherries and you don't crush the fucking orange rind. Don't pop the cherries. Don't pop the cherries. Unbelievable. He was definitely a cop, right? Totally a cop. Totally a cop. By the way, Warren Greed. The other night I was getting pulled over on the way home from a show

and I was like, oh fuck, here we go. And then the cop pulled over and just gave me a peace sign and went away. So it might have been him. Yeah, it is pretty crazy out here. Texas knows what's going on. Shout out to the, how many people love the police here in Austin, Texas? Okay, still not ready to give police love. Just checking. How many of you love H.E.B.? How about the police? Oh, okay, still nothing. How about H.E.B.? All right, here he is, everybody. It's Warren Greed. Oh, hello. This is a daydream come true. Holy shit. I haven't been doing this that long, but I think I'm still doing it because all the comedians are really encouraging. I had someone come up to me after show once. They said, Warren, I think all of your jokes are

really good, but none of them are funny. I'm going to show you what he means by that. I went to the story by half and half, but I can only afford one. A homeless person asked me for some change, so I took a shit on his front steps. One one-way road meets a two-way road. It forms a three-way stop, but in my opinion, if you want to make a three-way stop faster, you can put a finger in my asshole. I actually did just find out. I found out I was bisexual, so I ended up running a lot of stop signs. I don't know how much time I have. I don't think I have any more jokes, but I did. I did originally want to be a prop comedian, but you guys know how that story goes. I left them in my car. Warren Green, everybody. Warren, I love your set. How would you like to be the new bartender

at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club? I think you're overqualified for the position. I love you as the producer of Tim Dillon's podcast. You're incredible. I'm so glad you're here. Congratulations on the marriage. It was a beautiful wedding. I love it. Hell yeah. Congratulations on your wedding. It's hilarious. Warren, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've done it a couple of half-dozen times. All right. Awesome. You're on great pace, man, doing real jokes. You absolutely blew Dallin Garrett out of the water, and he's a scuba diver, so that's hard to do. I was really nervous until I saw him go up, and I was like, oh, shit. I'm good now. I was really nervous until I saw him go up. Tony, I think seriously,

that's the number one thing when you're a new comic, and you go into an open mic, and you're nervous about your shit, and you see the shit in front of you, and you go, oh, I could do this. I swear to God, that's the story of my first time ever at the comedy store, was the first time I ever signed up for an open mic. It was my very first time at a comedy club, and I somehow got out of 15 people. I somehow was lucky enough to be number 11, and at first I'm like, I don't belong here. This is crazy that I'm starting at the comedy store, and then I watched people, and I'm like, I might be one of the greatest comedians of all time after this one first spot. I think that's the thing that drives comics though. It really

is incredible. Thank you. Shout out to all the horrible comics that keep mediocre comics going so that they can one day become great. So Warren, let's talk about your life. How old are you? 24. 24 years old, just a little fucking baby bear out here, just fucking. Nice and tight, right? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, very tight, very tight. Absolutely. I keep it. 24 years old, what do you do for work? I work security. Really? How the fuck are you going to stop? Jesus Christ, you're a security guard? Oh, it's a super easy job, super easy. Where are you a security guard at? Oh, I can't. Discovery zone? This is, I mostly guard a empty parking garage. Okay. All right. What do you, you ever have to enforce any rules?

No, I basically just, I just kind of just sit, I just kind of sit in my car, and then I wait for a phone call that goes something like, hey, someone's smoking weed in the parking lot, you guys want to take care of it. I'm like, sure, hang up. You go up and you smoke other weed. I stopped smoking weed, call back five, five, five minutes later, and I tell them I took care of the problem. Okay, absolutely. You're useless. I want to say useless to the people who pay me. To them, I'm very valuable. I'm worth 13 an hour. Hell yeah, 13 an hour. Embarrass me. Embarrass me in front of everybody. Warren Greed, what else? You're 24 years old. What are 24-year-olds doing for fun nowadays? You out there tick-tocking yourself, slipping on banana peels or something like that?

Like, what's going on? I don't know what other 24-year-olds are doing for fun, but whatever they're doing, that's not what I'm doing. How about you? What do you do for fun? I don't know. I ski. I like to, I would say work out, but I think everyone would just laugh if I said that. Where do you ski at? Well, I suppose I'm in Texas now, but I'm originally from Minnesota, so I got a lot of that real crappy icy snow up there. When did you move from Minnesota? Last March? No, two marches ago. Oh, okay. You don't have the voice at all, the Minnesota shit. No, Minnesota. We say pop. I said pop. We say pop too. Why don't you get your eyeballs shaved so you don't have to wear those fucking things on your face? Have you ever thought about

getting the Lasik surgery? No, well, I wear these glasses so then people don't give me their kids, because I really hate them. Yeah, you definitely give you some real Jeffrey Dahmer energies for sure. Those are there. I love it. What else, Warren? Tell us a crazy fun fact about your life that would surprise us, perhaps your family or your upbringing or something else. This was a surprise. I was a president of Fraternity. You are? That's not surprising. Oh my goodness, Hogwarts? Like reference to the nerd style? Like you had your own? I mean, we were a little nerdier, I mean, obviously, but if you're the leader, I was eventually elected the leader, so I definitely worked my way up there. Wow, what was your fraternity known for?

Uh, excellence and jobs, greasy little hand jobs in your ass. You could build a PC. What's your love life like, Warren? You have a girlfriend? No, pretty Baron right now. What a shocker, I know. Fuck. I mean, have you ever been with a girl and you take your glasses off and you shake your head like that and you turn into like a hot guy? Is that ever happened to you? No, it's never. Could it? Have you ever tried? Have you thought about trying it? I'm thinking about no. How many of you think you should try it right now, huh? Hold on, wait, wait, take your time. Take your time. Make the audience want it a little bit, right, Warren? Just get ready and, uh, oh, jeez, Louise. There you go. Okay, there it is. There's, we tried our best. I don't know. I think

there was a bit of an improvement there. Ladies, you agree, Warren without the glasses? Yeah. Man, there are some fucking chicks in here that will fuck anything tonight. That's incredible. I want to know, how do you keep from slipping down the toilet when you poop? Doesn't he look like he'd go right through the bowl? He doesn't even have an ass. What size waist are you, 28, 29? Oh, yeah, about 29, yeah. 29, there you go. You know how I know that? We have the same waist, my friend. Yeah, absolutely. His comedy was very good, though. Yeah. Well, kid, inside, you look like, uh, I don't know what. Comedy's good. It was good. Warren, and you know what? For your hard work, not only is Brian Holtzman going to

give you a gift, but I'm going to give you one of these extremely limited edition, uh, you use it, uh, you write your jokes in a book. Really? You'll use this. That's a handmade leather kill Tony joke book from Adrian Cavazos. Again, that's Bones Eye on Instagram with a Z, B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E, also some women's panties. You got a see-through one, too. And a microphone key chain. Heck, yeah, you could put those panties on, uh, on the, on the blow-up doll that you have at home. All right. Can, can I leave? I'm very nervous. Unless you're about to ask for a job, you're not prepared to take or anything like that. We're good. There goes Warren Greed, everybody. He's on social media. Warren Greed, all one word. We're having fun here tonight.

What do you guys think? Should we do a special treat? You guys want a special treat? How many of you have been fans of Kill Tony for a long time? Well, then you're going to love this, everybody, all the way from Los Angeles, California. I mean, this guy, an absolute murder, very, very, very famously incredible joke writer, incredible roaster, a, uh, a prolific, prolific Kill Tony regular. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one, the only David Lucas, everybody. Here he is live in the flesh with a brand new minute. Here he is. Yeah. I think women are a little stupid because y'all really think giving us the silent treatment is punishment. It's like, bitch, I enjoy that shit. You should, you should give me the silent

treatment more often. Maybe this relationship will work. It's like, how did you think you were punishing me by being quiet? Ain't got to hear about your shitty ass day. Slaves used to work from a sun up to sun down. That shit was crazy to me. Do y'all think they were as happy as hell come daylight savings? Like, hey man, the sun go down next week at five o'clock. You show about that? Like, yeah, that's what both said. Like, if I was a slave owner, I would have confused the fuck out of slaves. I would have had, uh, blackout curtains in my slave quarters. Them niggas will never know what time it is. All right, thank y'all. Yeah, another minute from David Lucas. Welcome back. I love it. I love it.

How often you're here from Los Angeles visiting us. Yeah, you zipped up today. Yeah, man. I like you. You actually wore something other than camouflage tonight. Brian, we need to hold off on the underwear for just a second. Brian Moltzman getting more and more excited to give away underwear on this show. It's incredible. Actually, y'all don't know that's Tony's private collection. Oh, there you go. Here we go. Here we go. You son of a bitch. If you smell it, the pussy part smell like dick. Oh my. Why would you say that? I love that you're wearing a Dennis Rodman shirt today. Yeah, it's your side nigga. I don't. I don't really know about that. But you're shaped like a basketball. So, you know, you're good on the court, the food court. Makes sense. You're repping Chicago

because you thought it was the Wendy's city. Tony, Tony, you dress like a cat burglar about the break into a dildo factor. These dildo jokes get me every time. For the record, I've never owned a dildo before. Whatever. I love it. I love that you're repping Dennis Rodman, though. You're good at dunking donuts. You're what a lot of girls consider their worst rebound. But you look up to Dennis Rodman because he can jump. Dennis Rodman, David Lucas jokes, everybody. Tony likes donuts because they remind them of assholes. Oh my. Why would donuts remind me of assholes? Because they got the little part in the middle where you can barely stick a finger in it. Oh my God. Oh my God. I love it. Are you a big fan of

basketball? Yeah, I was. I grew up watching. You are DeCembe Metubby. So stupid. You are always filled at Jackson. Tony, you only play Chicago Bull's show. Tony got on the basketball team just for the showers. Is it show time yet? No, Nick is halftime. David specializes in the full court Panini press. Tony only played basketball so he can ass check people. Hey, back it up over here. Back it up over here. I got it. I got it. The only time David boxes out is when he's leaving a restaurant. To go box show. You didn't get that one. I love it. You only play ping pong because the

balls can fit in your mouth. How did you even know that? I love ping pong balls in my mouth. I love it. David, what have you been doing fun in Austin, Texas this week? You've been here? Yeah, open up. Well, featured. I ain't gonna say open up. I'm a little better than that. Featured for shop this past weekend. Cool. Did I do red bad secret show this week? Yeah, did red bad secret show this week. The dude from kill Tony murdered. The little Ellen DeGeneres looking boy. You know, Lucas. Oh, yeah, Lucas. Lucas, you might have remembered him on kill Tony was 500. He's the he she or whatever. He destroyed so hard like like literally harder than I've ever seen somebody destroy in a long

time that everyone after it had like bad sets. It was insane. It's like a seven minute set. It's a shame. He's non binary because it would have been the best set by a female anybody's ever seen. We could almost that's true. Could almost I could write an hour for that dude, bro. Yeah, because the way he dressed, the way he looked, the way he talked is like, bro, you got a monopoly on comedy. Right. Yeah, I've been giving a spot every single week now because I just love watching and go up. Just calling them them. Yeah. That's one person. I know the I hate him. I hate that motherfucker. I love it. Only person I'm scared to follow. Actually, it's Brian Holtzman. That's the only person. Yeah. Are you a town Thursday?

No, I'm in Atlanta. Atlanta. Yeah. Oh my goodness. What are you doing in Atlanta? Finding your boyfriend. Oh, come on. I don't even have a boyfriend in Atlanta. I'm about to get you one. Okay. Okay. Ask him if he has ping pong balls. Yeah. I love it. Really. What are you doing in Atlanta? I got some shows out there and going to see my mama. Okay. And I'll be right back Saturday. All right. Very cool. Well, David, you're an absolute murderer. Yeah, bro. We absolutely love you. Another great new minute. Another great set of roast jokes. This is the biggest one I could find. David Lucas. There he goes. He can give that one of his many baby mamas. Brian, can I ask you a question, Holtzman? Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Did you get all this underwear at the thrift store? Goodwill. Goodwill, the jacket too. $9. What do you think he went to the new releases of Victoria's Secret? Spent a thousand bucks on fucking underwear before coming here? The man lives with an Indian family. Gareth Fisk is next. How about a big hand for Kaley? Kaley, look at these people. Take off your mask for a second. Show them your beautiful face. Yes. Blow them a kiss or something wild. It's Kaley Funk, everybody. Look at those lips. Perfect lips. She refuses to be likable. She flips off the audience for some reason. Whoa, Brian. Brian, what are you doing? Kaley, get out of here. She's forcing us into a Me Too situation. Thank God this isn't live anymore.

Jesus fucking Christ, man. Kaley, please don't tempt Brian Holtzman like that again. I just saw him finger. Oh, here's Gareth Fisk, everybody. Come on, one more time for Gareth, everyone. Thank you. I need that shit. I'm about to hopefully do very well. Yeah. So Amy Schumer, if she were to move to Austin, Texas, I bet she'd steal all of my barbecue. If Amy Schumer ever moved to Austin, Texas, I bet you she would steal all of my queso too. If Amy Schumer ever moved to Austin, Texas, I bet you she would eat all of my breakfast tacos as well. And just by, if you didn't know this, I have a really bad diet. So sometimes my poop really smells. But I bet if Amy Schumer knew that my poop that's very stinky could tell a good joke, she'd probably steal that too.

I really, really wish I could have the same parking spot as our Governor Greg Abbott does at 4 p.m. at H-E-B. God, that would be so lit. That's my time. Thank you so much, y'all. Good Lord Almighty. Gareth Fisk. It was better than that last shit last week. Y'all couldn't even air. What are you talking about? We couldn't air it. What do you mean we couldn't air it? I'm sorry. Well, I looked. Stop saying you're sorry. Breathe for a second, Gareth. I can already tell you're very excited right now. What are you talking about? We couldn't air what happened last week? Well, first of all, look, Brian Holtzman's here. No, just not. First of all, answer the fucking question that I just asked. I looked it up. What did you look up? The

show. It wasn't aired from last week, unfortunately. You're talking about one week ago here at the show. It's not how it goes. I'm so sorry. God, you're a horrible Gareth. Thank you. Every possible way. Wow. What the fuck did you say up here? What was all that Amy Schumer stuff supposed to mean? I don't really like her. She steals a lot of shit. Yeah, but why would you do those jokes? It seemed like she wrote those jokes herself. That's what it's like if she writes her own jokes. You're so fucking right. That was terrible. Honestly, God fucking hates me. I can't believe I got up here for the second week in a row. It's pretty crazy. This is my third show ever in front of an audience that gives a shit. Thank you all for laughing at some of it. I appreciate it. They

don't give a shit, and they did not laugh at any of it. Oh, I got some chuckles. Who's all right? What are you talking about? Fuck. I don't think you know what they're laughing at exactly. I don't think you realize what's going on. Hold on. Kayley is throwing something on this stage. This is all brought to you by Fix Vodka. I don't know what's happening here, but Fix Vodka is out. That's her panties. Oh my God. Kayley, fuck this game. Let me get a hit. No, no. You guys stop it. You're being fucking beyond disgusting right now. Yeah, all right. Yeah, this is a little creepy, Brian. No, you shut the fuck up. I'll drug the creepiest thing on this stage right now, Gareth. I'm not that creepy. Jesus Christ. Fuck. What's a redeeming quality

about you, Gareth? Because I fucking hate you right now. Give me a reason to like you. No, think about the question that I just asked and then give an answer. Give me a reason to like you. Are you listening at all? You're talking while I'm still talking. Give me a reason to like you, Gareth. I try to be a nice guy when I can, you know. I'm doing this. This is my third time again, like on a stage. So I'm pretty fucking stoked to be here in general. So, okay. Okay, Gareth. Fuck. That's your answer. Yes. That was my answer. And it was shitty. Has anyone ever told you you're funny before? Yeah, I've gotten that many times, unfortunately. Many times? Unfortunately, clearly they were all fucking lying. Do you work at an autistic like hospital or something like that?

I speak mainly to autistic homeowners. Yes, that's exactly what happens. What do you do for work? So I work over it. Well, I do online sales. We'll just say that. I sell a lot of solar equipment and do other shit around those lines, whatever makes it for me. Okay, Gareth, make good money. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Listen to me. Fuck. Go do open mics other places. Take a couple weeks off signing up for this show. Go do other open mics. Try different things. Don't ever do those fucking nothing worse than a bad Amy Schumer joke. Fuck. I mean, if you're going to bring up Amy Schumer, you got to crank that fucking thing out of the park. You got to hit the nail on the head. I mean, there's so much there to make fun of. And you're talking about stealing your breakfast. Also,

may I make the suggestion that when you're ever on a podcast to listen to what's happening in the current time, like if someone's talking at the exact moment, maybe that's not the best moment to talk. There he goes. Gareth Fisk, everybody. I appreciate it. He's been prescribed other open mics and time off. Very rarely do I tell someone not to sign up. There he goes. Gareth, there he goes. There he goes. Almost walking off the side of the stage. This fucking guy. How loud can this place boo for Gareth Fisk? Yeah, go ahead, Kayley. Go ahead, Kayley. Kayley's a little firecracker tonight. She can't keep that middle finger to herself. Hi, honey. I'm home. Oh, I had a hard day. Kayley.funk73, right? A hard day, honey. Oh, man, you want to get up in there.

Jack Timmons is next. Jack Timmons is next on Kill Tony. That's right. Jack Timmons. You guys having fun out there? Anybody thinking about signing up next week? Uh-oh, there's one chick that's delusional. There we go. What? You want a woman up here? All right, we'll do that next. We'll pull until we get a woman up here. Bring it up. There you go. Absolutely. Did you sign up? You signed up? Okay. Here he is. Jack Timmons, everybody. Hey, guys, my dad's kind of gay. My other dad is really gay. It's cool. They wrestle sometimes. At least that's what it looked like that one time. I thought they were having sex too, but then there's a third guy in there, just like a referee. So I don't, I really don't know what was going on. I'll be honest.

Having gay dads is cool because like when you're a kid, some kid will come up to you and be like, my dad can kick this shit out of your dad. And you're like, oh, buddy, that's a tag team fight, my friend. It doesn't even matter that they're gay. That's two on one. That's just a numbers game, baby. They'll fuck him up prison style and they wrestle. They know what they're doing. He'll come to school the next day, pick you up just like usual. Except this time he's standing in between my two gay dads. He's holding their pockets. It's my third gay dad. He dresses like a referee now. Damn it. I thought I was close to the minute. I'm ending it there. There we go.

There's just a minute. Sure. Absolutely. Jack Timmons, everybody. Jack, you've been on the show before? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What happened last time you were on? Remind me. It was Joe and Adam. Uh-huh. What happened? And went well. What do we find out in your interview part? What's that? Oh, is my job personal trainer where I work. By the way, you asked to come on like over to the country club and play golf and have not hit me up yet. So. Okay. I'm just saying. You work at a country club. Yeah. Austin Country Club? No, River Place. Okay. That sounds great. That sounds awesome. I will message me on Instagram or something like that to remind me. Hey, I got you. Okay. But River Place sucks. I'll fucking

I'll come play at your country club. I love it. So, Jack, you work at a country club. You're a personal trainer or your book. You have two dads. They're gay. No, my uncle, but it's kind of like gay. Not like blood related, but he is very gay still. They're very fuck around with you as a kid. No, not like that, but he's cool. You know, but you have a gay uncle. Yeah. But not your blood uncle. No. What do you mean exactly? He was my dad's RA in college and now they're best friends. RA? What is that like? Like in like his resident. Rear admiral or something? Yeah. Okay. I love it. So what does he do for work? My dad or my gay uncle? Who gives a shit about your boring ass dad? We're talking about your butt fucking uncle, my friend. He's like a, I don't know. He does like

sales stuff, but like he never tells me. It's more interesting that he's gay, I think. It's like really boring stuff, but I don't even know what the title is. I love it. What's your love life like, Jack? You seem like the kind of guy that is banged a dude before. I'm single right now, baby. Yeah. Yeah. What are you into? What's your dream girl or boy? What are they like? Like if you look out in the audience and point to someone that you consider your type. I'm just gonna, anyway, anyone that's gonna have sex with me back there, you maybe. Oh, okay. So nobody. Yeah. All right. I really, I really gave you a softball there and you just did nothing with it. I love it. Have you been in a relationship? Yeah. I uh, last relationship was like eight months ago. Okay.

What happened there? How long was that for? Year and a half. Okay. And what happened? We broke up and I lost 60 pounds and moved to Texas. Where was the sat? Where was the relationship at? Ohio. Oh yeah. I'm from Columbus. That was another thing. And you broke up. She broke up with you or you broke up with her or him or what? What is this? Broke up with me. She broke up with you? Yeah. Why? I don't know. I was so fat and living in Ohio. So I changed that. 60 pounds more. Were you a personal trainer back then? No. No, you were just a little fat boy. Yeah. Look at you now. I know. Does that girl, does that girl know that you've gotten in shape and that you're cool and like? I think so. We don't follow each other on anything anymore. You don't? No. Really? You were

with, you were together for a year and a half. She doesn't know anything about you? Yeah. I drank a lot after we broke up and then just woke up to a lot of texts I probably shouldn't have sent. That's Ohio shit. Like what? Can you give us an example of like a text? Well, you know, like when you like, there's always that like text you send like the one that you write like writing a notes draft. You're like, this is going to be the one. Right. And then I got drunk and sent that one like five times. Oh, shit. She was just getting railed at the time. There's no way for you to know that she was just bent over squirting. I was I was really highlighting the fact that she made a good decision, I think with every one of those. But now look at you. Do you think she'd be into

this 60 pounds less, more muscular, wears her shirt tucked in, went to went to fucking what's the Warby Parkers for glasses or something like that? Like you look like you went through an extreme makeover. Queer eye for the straight guy or something like that. I don't know. I haven't asked her, but you don't even care. You've moved on. I don't care. I'm completely on a date. Eight months ago. Really? When's the last time you kissed a girl eight months ago? It's eight months ago. Eight months is a long time. Is there a girl at the audience that wants to give this guy a kiss on the lips? This is a kill Tony. This is a kill Tony tradition. We have the best fans here at kill Tony. If there's an audience member, any woman out there with the courage

to come up and give this man, it's been eight long months. The crowd will go wild. Everybody will appreciate you. We've never failed at this. We know that there's a girl out there that's willing to do this is really making will shout out your Instagram if you do it is. Oh, there they all come. How about a gay guy? Is there a gay guy in the audience willing to kiss this man on the lips? I did shit. It's been eight months. I'm fucking. There's nobody. No, no, Kaylee. It costs money if Kaylee does it. There's not a single lady out here that wants to give this guy a kiss. That's that wasn't that bad. Huh? Are you vaccinated? Are you vaccinated? Have you had the coronavirus yet?

I'm working on it. Hold on. Kaylee wants to check you out and do the whole thing. All right. Okay. Hold on. Hold on a second. Everyone. Kaylee's making a kiss. My girlfriend in a couple weeks. Okay. I don't think I guess that I guess. Hold on. Everybody doesn't count for some people. Here's Kaylee. Sexy serial killer look. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know the type that like is he going to make love to me or he's going to fucking butcher Kaylee. Are you going to give him a kiss? So you're just going to run your fucking mouth. My ass, bro. All right. Look at it again. How many you think Kaylee should give this man a big smooch on the lips, huh? Oh, my God. I love it. Damn. I think I was gay. Kaylee.

How about a big hand for Kaylee Funker? Can I taste your mouth? Can I taste your mouth? I want to taste Kelly. Hold on. Perhaps a kiss from Brian Holtzman. You can eat my ass for free, Brian. All right. This show is chaos right now. How about another hand for Jack Timmons, everybody? There he goes. He's on social media. Sexy toolshed. All one word. Look at those. Mr. Sexy toolshed on social media. Big para underwear and yet another microphone. I like your excitement, kids. Keep at it. It's not as fun when Kaylee does that. That's just not fair. Yeah. We won't do that again. But we love you. Kaylee's the best. What a good spirit up here. Giving out kisses. Hi, honey. I'm home. Since no other ladies wanted to be fun tonight.

And just for that, I'm not going to pull a female comedian out. I promise before this that I was going to. And now since no one wanted to have fun, let's do Charler Adams is the next unkilled charler charler. That's a new name. Could be a lady. We'll see what happens. Yeah. I've never heard of a charler before. Anything can happen here. Oh, it's for the state. You go back from that. Step back from that. And you gotta step back. There's a big holding chamber up there. A lot of stairs. It's my fault. I should have picked the name. Oh, wow. Here comes Charler Adams. No, keep going that way. You're doing the right thing. Charlie. Nope. Nope. Not that way, Charler. Come on. Keep coming towards the stage. Here he is. This is very exciting. God, this is going to

be great. I already know this is going to be great. Make some noise one more time. Come on, Austin, Texas. It's Charler Adams. Boom. What's up? You know what it is. Fuck y'all then. Well, yeah. I just want to let you know I just completed my fourth year as a teacher assistant. Thank you. Fuck them kids. Now, for real, I remember my first day of school. I show up to the classroom. I was like, good afternoon class. My name is Charles Adams. I'm going to be your teacher for the rest of the semester and one of the kids in the back. Go fuck your mother. I said, what kind of bitch? I'll fuck your mom on a Zoom call, motherfucker. Share that shit with all her Tupperware friends. I ain't playing around. I'm a double meat cheeseburger, baby. You know what I'm saying?

You ain't done with a little vegan patty little bitch. I ain't say it out loud, but I said it to myself. You know what I mean? I take my class to the playground. I don't even call the playground a playground anymore. I call that shit the yard. One time I saw two kids out there fighting. I was like, hey, y'all break that shit up. Break it up. What the fuck I tell you about fighting without a referee. Thank you. Hell yeah. Charles Adams. I'm sorry that I called you. I called you charler because your S looked like an R the way that it was written. That's what we call in the business a hard R. Okay. When you can't quite read it like that. Ouch. When you can't, it's an S that R. We call it ninja here. Charles, you've been on this show before. I remember you being on. I

made a joke about how you look like Kimbo Slice that went over really well. Everybody in town has been using that shit too. I know man. Oh, you're going to kill Tony Kimbo Slice. I'm like a bitch. I'll hit you in the face. Not you. I'm sorry. I was just Charles out here scaring innocent white people in the front row. I love you motherfuckers. Charles, you have a great energy, real great stage presence. How long have you been on stand up again? Man, about 10, about 12 years. 12 years. I love it. All of it here in Austin. Where are you from? Yeah. Austin, Texas, baby. Born and raised. Born and raised. Hold on. Huh? McCallum High School and his mom calling out high schools. Elementary is all that shit. Tell us some fun things. There's something we haven't done because

we've almost never, by the way, this is one of the only cities we've ever been to where we almost never meet anybody from this city. Tell us some fun things about Austin that we need to try out. You seem like you have a lot of, what's the word, soul? Oscar nominated. Tell us some cool things that we have to try out. I bet you can tell us where the white women are. Waterloo, right across the campus. Yes. Yeah. What are some of your favorite places or things in Austin? Man, I don't know the strip clubs. Really? You go to the yellow rows and the red rows? I do. They never let me in. Really? Yeah. Well, you know what? We're going to change that. They know I don't have money. They'll be like, uh, no. We need to get him in there. Stay in the parking lot, sir.

They probably don't, they probably think you're the bouncer. That's why they want you outside. You're late. I'm like, I'm already wasted. What are you talking about? I'm late. I'm ready to drink it. What else, Charles? What else do you love about Austin? Any restaurants or anything like that? Let me see. Not really. Oh, Jamaican Tony. God damn. Jamaican Tony? Jamaican Tony on Leaven Street, man. Wow. It's called Jamaican Tony. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, one plate, you sleep. Oh, shit. The band knows about Jamaican Tony. They got them oxtails out of there. You know what I'm saying? Let's go all just through the level. Yeah, you know, yeah. That's cold blooded right there. Hell yeah.

He crazy. I would try that place, man. Absolutely. Jamaican Tony's, they go hard. And Cajun eats. Cajun eats? What do you get there? Like bags of seafood? Shit. No, chicken and mac and cheese, baby. Oh, shit. Seafood mac and cheese. Oh, my God. I'm talking about one bite. I'm talking about oh. I ain't sharing this shit with nobody. The fucking food here. I'm getting horny, man. I love food. It's so funny. Every day, it was, and even like I was saying, like we stumbled into Shae Zee the other day. Am I saying that right? Shae Zee. It's French. C-H-E-Z-Z-E-E. That sounds like some white people shit, right? Some Shae Zee. Shae Zee. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, you end up going there and then you find that place and then you find out you're recommended

three other places so the list never gets shorter. It's such a fucking cool thing. That's why everybody's big in Texas, baby. All we do is eat. That's right. I know. I know. But the weird thing, the weird thing is that we go to Houston and Dallas three or four times a year. There's nothing like Austin, Texas food. I'm telling you. And the food trailers. Oh, my God. We go everywhere. We travel the entire world. There's not a fucking city like this. It speaks for itself. You're in pretty good shape. How do you stay in shape, Charles? How do you stay away from looking like David Lucas? Chase it. That's fucked up, man. He's cool, man. He is fat. But, uh, no, I just chase kids. He got hands, though. You be careful. You be careful. I put you on my

shoulder more. Okay, I'm sorry. Be careful. Luckily, luckily, there's someone brought a cake here. So he's basically. Oh, that's fucked up, too. Oh, he's one slice away from diabetes. How do you stay? How do you stay in a decent shape? Chasing them up? I work in the junior high school. You know what I mean? Okay. Chasing them kids around the show. Yeah. You over there. Fucking get your ass back in class. You seem like you would be the coolest fucking middle school teacher I could possibly imagine. Am I right? I gotta teach you the year of my first year, man. Well, you're real. Wow. After that, I said, fuck this. I just stopped going to school. You're definitely one that connects with the kids, right? Like, because you're a gamer. I love him. You can

tell you're a gamer by your shirt and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, baby. I get a pin there, you know. Connect with the children. Not in a like Jerry Sandusky kind of way, but like, uh, cokey-dokey. That's cold blood, man. Charles, what else? What did we not find out about you last time you were on the show? What's another thing that you do or that you're into or? I didn't tell you. So I used to work, still work at this venue called Mohawk. That's right. Okay. Love at the Red River. You know what I mean? Hopefully open it up back soon. What's Mohawk? It's a music venue. You know what I mean? It's Cady Corner of Stubbs. You feel me? And I used to work, you know, saying the band and all that shit, loading and unloading,

you know, kicking people out and all that type of shit. Hell yeah. Very cool. Service industries. Yeah, man. I love it. I love that. That's easy money right there. You know what I mean? You listen to all the crazy music and shit. I don't know what the fuck they talking about with. I'm getting paid. Look at that. 4.6 rating. Very, very hard to maintain a 4.6 in a city where people get drunk and you have to kick them out sometimes. Fuck it ain't me. 4.6 is basically a 5.5. That's awesome, man. Mohawk Austin. Very cool. What's your favorite show that you've seen there? Oh my God. Let me see. We had Wu-Tang, The Ghetto Boys. What? Ghetto Boys? Fuck yeah. Man, what? Hell yeah. Bushwick Bill, Alderman motherfuckers. Yeah. Nice. We had The Baby.

Oh, shit. I ain't know who he was. I'm behind the stage, sitting on the stage and he was like, oh, The Baby's here. I said, where is he at? Oh, fuck. He really that tall. Okay. Oh, that's short. Where he was cool. They had all these guns and shit. It's crazy. You're real fucked. Austin gets a bunch of great artists. I headlined a show at Vulcan Gas Company last week on a Saturday night and they had a show after that. They had an 11 p.m. show and the show had been over. I went back into the green room just to see if the people that I was there with were in there or whatever. I sort of got lost or whatever and I walked in. There's just one guy sitting there. It's Young Dolph, Memphis, Tennessee rapper. Really? Okay. Clearly nobody knows who I'm talking about.

Charles, can you back me up here? You know Young Dolph. I talked to him the other day. He's cool. Oh, you did? Yeah, we spoke the square together and everything. Oh, wow. Man, Black people are so cool. We like each other. We like, hey, we all Black, we turn the lights out. Hey, I like that. He's drunk. He's drunk. I don't even know what he just said. I love that. But I like it anyway. Can you do any more like cool catchphrases like that where the band like pops to the end? You're very good at that. You have any other cool thing? We're all Black. If you turn the lights out, you have any more like that? We can just do a runner of those right now. Can you say nobody leaves this place without singing the blues? Oh, what the fuck are you talking about? It's from

Adventures in Babysitting. Oh, another fat guy in the back knows what you're talking about, Red Band. How about you just do what I asked you to do before Red Band hijacked the momentum? You want me to sing? I can't sing, man. Any cool catchphrases or anything like that? More of those where the band pops at the end. Really, anything works. Look out, bitch. Oh, right behind you. Get out the way. Get out the way. Do it again. Do it again. Do another one, Charles. Anything works here. Just do it. Fuck you, Tony. All right. Literally the one thing I didn't want you to say. Oh, man, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just talking shit now. Do another one. Do another one. Say the black or the berry, the sweet or the juice.

Come on. Well, well, well. The black or the berry, the sweet or the juice. Ladies and gentlemen, I love this man. Incredible energy. What I would give to have had you as a middle school teacher. My guys were such assholes. You have a great fucking energy about you, man. I hope you come back. The opposite of what I prescribed, Gareth Fisk. I want you to come back anytime. Sign up anytime. Come on. How loud can this place get for the girls, Adams? Charles. What's up, baby? Charles. I want you to have I want you to have the last available of these handmade kill Tony leather books. Keep working on your stuff, man. Oh, look at that. Everybody loves Charles. I'll even give you a real handshake.

You're cool as shit. Nobody leaves his place out. Sing the blues. Charles Adams, ladies and gentlemen. That's how it's done. All right. You guys think I should pull a woman out of the bucket? All right. Here we go. Oh, Yoni. Yoni, you were so close. David Flores, a legend here on Kill Tony, a foot smelling comedian. Nate, something. Okay. We know this young lady. She was famously on an episode of Kill Tony in New York City at Skankfest. She just got pulled all the way from Los Angeles, California. We know this crew. Comedy store famous crew. Make some noise for Emily, everybody. Emily. Very, very awesome supporters of live comedy at the comedy store almost every night,

even throughout the pandemic. Come on, guys. Make some noise for Emily. Oh, I can't see any of you. That helps a lot. Okay. Cool. So I never been slapped with a more prime example of somebody needing to get their priorities straight. Then that time my apartment exploded in Florida, right? So I run into my roommate's bedroom, find her sobbing over some $35 handbags from Macy's. I'm like, woman, there is a bonfire in our living room. Can we go? She still got the tags on it. She's bawling her eyes out. Now, me granted, I'm talking like Florida ceiling bonfire, right? I've always wanted a skylight. Never thought that was how the universe was going to answer that question. But hey, beggars can't be choosers, right? So anyways, me and my pack,

I got like a couple of chairs, a couple changes of clothes, a couple bottles of water. I grabbed like a fucking packet of tuna for some reason. And I run back into her room thinking all the ways I'm about to have to drag this bitch out of our apartment, right? I'm thinking like bridal style cross the threshold, some curtail of dresses flowing behind us like some fucked up wedding train. Shakes one look at me, one look at the tuna, goes damn girl, you need to get your priorities straight. Okey dokey. Emily, everybody. Shades of Garith Fisk in the room. Incredible story with a twist ending that did not end in a punchline. A real mistrick there. A lot of us were expecting a joke and we learned to expect the unexpected. Brian, you really need to stop

touching women on the stage. Holtzman having acid flashbacks to a different decade right now where you could touch random women. There you go. It's never good when you hold onto the handshake, Holtzman. It's not really something people do anymore. Blowing an abnormal amount of kisses, double hand blowing kisses. Careful there, Holtzman. What's she doing there, friend? Looks like she looks like she's about to give you a pair of women's panties. That would have gotten a bigger laugh if Kaylee wouldn't have given you her panties earlier in the night. Emily, welcome back to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? So I did it for about a year before the pandemic hit and then that should happen. So here I am

now. You've been off for a full, at least a full year then is what you're saying. Yes, yes. Hold on a second. I think there's a, the full, oh it's just David Lucas, everybody. I thought it was an earthquake. I felt that. I thought I was watching them. That's what we call grazing, everybody. That's grazing. He's grazing through the room. So Emily, okay. But your appearance, I remember your appearance on Skankfest going really well. I would hope so, yeah. Right? Yes, it was. And this was a story sort of long form here. One of my favorite parts of this set, just to show you, this young lady here in the front was been screaming for me to pull a woman all night. And my favorite thing is during about 40 seconds in Emily's set,

Red Band whispered to me, this chick over here is furious. I look at her and she's staring at me like this. And she goes, this is how women, by the way, if you're wondering how, why we make fun of female comedians sometimes, because they don't support each other. It's one of the most hilarious things. And she literally goes, no, not her. Me. During her set, instead of paying attention to her set for what could have been a funny moment. So I don't, I guarantee you're probably just as bad. What do you mean? Can we figure that out? Can we see that time? You guys think we should give this girl a chance? All right, Emily, you stay on stage. Stand back here. No, not on Holtzmann's lap, Brian. You stand back here. You want a fresh mic or are you good? You need a fresh mic or like

a real fucking diva? Fully vaccinated. What's your name? What? Deanne Wallace. Sure. Leanne Wallace, everybody. Here she comes. Already getting kisses blown at her from Brian Holtzmann. They're flying around the room. I think Holtzmann accidentally hit D-Madness with one of the kisses. Ladies and gentlemen, here she is. One more time for Leanne Wallace. The clock starts now. Okay, A, I'm pro women. Okay, so this whole thing is called like Kill Tony, but I wish it was like that game of like fuck Mary kill. If I could just like fuck Tony, maybe he'd like like me. You've got to like fuck people for them to like you, right? I mean, I've done that before. It's not like a lasting thing, maybe like a day or two. But I've also fucked for like Waterburger. That's

more fruitful. Like, you know, you're getting a burger out of it. I feel like this is like a California crowd. You don't know what Waterburger is. It's like in and out, like Texas. So okay. Oh, yikes. Okay. Hot mic. Okay, so I feel like the pandemic has disproportionately impacted single people. Has anybody else been like super fucking lonely during the pandemic? It's a single person. I feel like I spent so much time just like masturbating and looking out the window. Because like, I feel like just like looking out the window like at how life used to be like turns me on. Like I'm horny like member like when he used to do stuff together. Okay, so my low the low point of the pandemic for me was okay, so I was visiting my boyfriend and

I took an Amtrak. Wait, have you guys ever had like a boyfriend or girlfriend, but they're like not actually your boyfriend or girlfriend? But like you thought they were. So I was on an Amtrak. I don't know if you guys have ever been on Amtrak. Holy fucking shit, man. This is a real conundrum here. I thought Emily getting silenced throughout her set was bad. Somehow Leanne was able to get audible booze from the audience halfway through her set. I heard Buorns. You heard what? Buorns. Buorns. Remember, like the the Simpsons. Are you making a Simpsons reference right now? I have no idea what's happening. Okay, so how do you feel like that went? I feel like it went better than Daryl. Was that his name? No, you're thinking of Gareth Fisk.

Like how could I forget that name? Like his stance was making me nervous. It was so wide. Like I know his pants made you nervous. Like his stance made me nervous. So let me ask you something Leanne. Sure. Is that how you thought it was going to go? I mean, I'm not like I'm not like I don't have any like professional training. Have you ever done it before? I know. This is your first set. Popped my cherry. Very, very good. How about that for courage? Like when my actual cherry was popped, I cried halfway through. So I can do that. Popped your cherry. If you guys want. Wait, what? Like when my actual cherry was popped, I cried. Like I could cry this time too. If you guys want. Let's just see. Let's see what the audience thinks because this is a real battle

of the Titans here. And I think we should let the audience decide. A lot of people think I'm a mean guy. So instead of me making any decisions here, I'm going to let the audience decide which I like women. I want to be like girl versus girl. Look who's trying to fucking fix their reputation right now. This is it. This is Joe Biden two weeks before the election. Like no, I swear I can talk. Hold on. Holtzman, Holtzman, Holtzman, Holtzman. Okay. Okay. Yes. I see what's happening. All right. How many of you have Emily? Oh, Holtzman, Jesus Christ. And how many of you have Leanne? Oh, shit. Oh my God. The guy that's fucking her tried to cover the mouth thing where he tries to make it seem like the whole audience is going here at once. Leanne, is this something

you think you're going to try again? Sure. Yeah, yeah. Is this something you've always wanted to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like, like, is that, should I just like do a single teardrop? Just cry. What do you do? What didn't you like about it? What? What did we not like about it? Yeah. Is that what you just asked? Okay. Well, I'm going to feedback. I'm like a, I'm a coachable. Okay. Well, too much teeth. Too much. What does that mean? Okay. That's one of there's a fully Vax table of old people if you don't want tea. Okay. Oh, you're still trying to don't don't drag don't drag that cute table of old people into this. We support the elderly here at Kill Tony. By the way, for those of you listening, these guys are just like in their fifties. They're not that

old at all. Not at all that old at all. Kayley, what do you think about these girls? What do you have to wait? Who? Wait, there's a third chick. Oh, shit. What the fuck is this? She's got the standard shades already. I'm just going to take this from you. Who is that? What is happening? Right? This girl is in her pajamas right now. Like Holtzman would say, just take it, Tony. This is just what we have to do. Angelina Jolie. It's up to you. I don't know. What's your name? Christine. I had run, I had run down here to kiss the guy. You did? So I was like waiting. Really? Yeah, I was waiting there. What were you just waiting silently? I was talking to somebody. Guys, no communication when a girl runs down here to kiss a guy too. Jesus fucking Christ. Somebody gave

me the underwear. Okay, what's your name? Christine. Christine. And you've done stand-up comedy before? Yeah. You guys think we should give Christine one minute? All right, here it is for all the redemption of all the female comedians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one minute from Christine, everybody. Make some noise for Christine. This is where you clap to begin the momentum of a one minute set. Look, I'm here to defend Jeffrey Epstein. He's not a monster. Look, the youngest girl was 14. Do you remember who you were when you were 14? What you were doing? I was a slut. A lot of us were sluts at that time. Plump and sexy. Listen to me, a 14-year-old is not a child. You cannot trick or treat when you are 14. You are not allowed to trick or treat. You are not a child.

Plus, you know, we killed an innocent man. He had private yachts, a private island, millions of dollars, private planes. Gorgeous, man. I don't know if you remember the pictures. If he had hit me up when I was 14, my parents would have driven me to the airport just to meet him. Okay, thank you guys for that time. There it is, 58 seconds. She did not go over time. A reminder that the other two girls both brought out the bear, extended sets to a minute 13 seconds. There was a joke in that last one, Tony. There was. There was a verified joke. We have confirmed with the judges that there was a single joke in that one-minute set. At no point did you have audible booze. That's very exciting. How many do you think Christine took it here today? There you go. All right, Christine. There,

look at that. Ladies supporting ladies. I love it. Emily. You can tell me to get off. I don't know if I'm supposed to be on here. It's okay. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? Two years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? New York, and I moved down here. When did you move here? Yesterday. Wow. Look at that. Jesus. Just storming right into the seat. I'm not too liberal. I'll be fine. I'm not going to throw trash, you know. Right. Yeah. Okay. Very good. What do you think's happening right now? Can they kiss? A red band? No, that's not how it works. God damn it, red band. Unless you guys want to. In which case, the crowd will go wild. All right. Just kidding. Just kidding, everybody. I don't know. Like, I'll do anything for views, I guess. Really? I don't know.

I haven't had the chance yet. You know, I've been a loser for so long. Wait a second. What does Emily think about this? We could have a three-way kiss right now. Is that good? Three-way with Holtzman? All right. We're not going to do this. No, it's not. You know, I haven't had the opportunity, so I don't know what it's supposed to fly, you know. Look at that. We've created a ruckus here at Antones right now. Hey, you can hang out in the green room at Vulcan Thursday if you want to. Oh, red band. Red band. You're out of control. I love it. It takes a lot of courage to get up here. Emily, thank you so much for signing up. Christine, thank you so much for storming the stage and coming up here. Give Emily the

underwear. She took it like a champ up here. Emily, wasn't there something else fun about you? What was it that you, like, you wrestle or something like that? I mean, like, I'm at a part time for a little bit, yeah. Didn't you once body slam someone on this show? I did indeed. You did, right? Who was that? Jeremiah? It was. Oh my goodness. I'm pretty sure that dude's still probably walking kind of funny, but yeah. Oh my goodness. Wow. I wonder if there's any other, if there's any other fragile people here that you could easily body slam. I don't know. I don't see them. Oh, everybody's like, no, sit your ass down. Jesus Christ. Kaley brought to you by cocaine tonight. Out of control. It's so early in the day. It is 9 30 at night right now. And

Kaley's been zipping for two hours all around the place. Emily, thank you so much for coming on. Welcome to Austin, Texas. There she goes. Emily, everybody. She's on social media at Emily's, but like MLI zero one. E M M A L I E zero one. All right. You guys ready to close this fucking show out with a bang, huh? Austin, Texas. This young man rolled the roost in Chicago, Illinois at the very famous second city and improv guru. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, uh, diagnosed with ALS a couple of years ago, decided to knock it off his bucket list and do what he always actually wanted to do. Instead of being in an improv group, he wanted to be a stand up comedian. Once diagnosed with Luke Eric's disease, he decided to chase it. We found him

immediately and immediately made him a regular. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single episode. He fully recovered from his, uh, March cocaine bender. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the new and improved Michael Lair everybody. Hey. Stop telling me how cool my wheelchair is. That's like saying you lick sexy on dialysis or your skin glows and why you're on chemo. This is not a wheelchair. It's a bird scooter for the damned. You try plugging your legs in. You try plugging your legs in every 12 hours. I go to restaurants. I demand a discount for bringing my own chair.

Shrimp clubs. Shrimp clubs give me a discount on lap dances, but they charge me a maintenance fee for choosing all over the place. My car is like a fire extinguisher. The National Guard using my car to put out forest fires. Smoking the bear gave my car the presidential medal of freedom. Wow. Michael Lair. Absolutely incredible. I almost forgot what punchlines were like after the three female comedians were up here, uh, back to back to back. That was like, you did, you did so many, there were so many jokes that that was like having 71 female comedians on stage at once. Oh, you're being generous. That was incredible. My goodness, just joke after joke after joke after joke with actual audible, very, very funny punchlines. Well, I have a lot of free time.

So do they. I promise you so do they. That's that's not an excuse. Yeah. Well, I mean, welcome, Michael. I've been having a great day ruined now by fucking tested before the pussy molester over here. Holtzman and Michael Lair have a very interesting rivalry. These two hate each other for some reason. Fucking petarize. Dude, in my size, I smelled like little boy, but I will beat your ass. Shouldn't it be selling a used car somewhere? Yeah. Uh, uh, handicapped vans, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking lizard skin over here.

Fucking. Holtzman has a record for most strength cleaning done to close for that good will. Oh my goodness, Michael Lair absolutely up here shredding, wearing up the new tiger outfit. Look at this get up. I mean, you are just a fucking rock star. Yeah. Oh, well, you gave me the platform. Yeah. Yeah, I got him on Amazon, not the website in the jungle. That explains all the tigers. I get it. Love it. Fucking. Oh, for the first time ever, since I've been on kill Tony, I like you Tony more than red band. Oh, really? Why? What happened? Red man fucking bumped me from his show last week. Oh, you bumped him off the secret show. It takes that very seriously. Uh, okay. You know what? Sorry, we had 12, 18 comics on the last show. And

you know, sometimes it's like, Hey, man, I got too many people on this show. The question Michael has been on every you've been on every episode, every show since then. Yeah. I guess you don't want to be on this week, motherfucker. Okay, red red band is um, but any of those other comics, does it take them three and a half hours to get dressed? Oh, good question. He did. He's uh, red band seems genuinely mad. Mind you, he is for Jack Daniels in right now. I don't think he's taking these like jokes at all. No, I mean, look, Michael, I try to give everyone as many spots as possible. Sometimes I don't have like I overbook it. All right. So you've got to be like, Hey, I thank you for giving me 14 spots since I've been here. I can take a week off. You

don't have to be a little bitch about it. I agree with red. Michael, what do you like the fucking swamp thing? You are a red band. Oh, red band playing the sounds of Michael's wheelchair. This is getting personal right now. You don't want to be getting on an airplane when this fucking guy's on the same flight. Yeah. Why they fold me up and put me in the old radical bar man. Michael fucking layer. What a force. What a force. Yeah, man. That was a good one today. Yeah, it was. Today felt like a hearty meal. Yeah, absolutely. A lot of highlights. I mean, who could forget the guy asking for one of the coolest jobs ever imagined? Just basically because he did a few fundraiser bartending gigs, which anybody that's ever bartended knows that

is the absolute entry, entry, entry level of bartending. Fundraising usually gives you like maybe two, maybe a red wine and a white wine to pour in a fucking glass and famously cans of beer. Like it's like, I don't see either beer or wine. There's no real mixing of alcohols or anything like that. Really? But like he swears up and down. According to him, dozens of fundraisers, which could be up to two dozen fundraisers. That's 24 for those of you that. All right, all right, all right. Yeah. Matthew McConaughey is like, you know what? This is a great beer. You did a great job bartender. You deserve whatever bartending job your wildest dreams can fucking. I love it. And then of course we had a triple threat female comedian face off where we.

That was awesome. Maybe we could do that like every week, just have three females. Maybe not. Wow, the red band, the king of bad ideas, ladies and gentlemen, it's incredible. Really. And if you want bad ideas, email redband at redband.com. Michael Lair. I mean, you are just a fucking, the word cherry has been used a lot tonight and I'll use it again. You are the cherry on top of a fucking very fun episode of kill Tony. You know how to bring this thing home better than anybody. How loud can this place get for the great Michael Lair? Michael Lair comedy.com for everything Michael Lair. And we did it again. This is another banger of a kill Tony episode. Let's check in with the drawing from Ryan J. E belt.

Holtzman. Look at this. Mama Jamma. Ooh, look at that. Get in a little bit closer there. Holtzman has a shotgun. Oh my God. This is incredible. The detail. I'm in a coffin with the bandana. It is so cool and red band. Very cowboy, very western Texas edition of a Ryan J. E belt drawing. Guys, how about a hand for Brian Holtzman, everybody, our guest tonight, the dead air podcast on the death squad comedy network, everything Michael Lair of MichaelLair comedy.com. How about the band tonight? D madness on the base. He is the absolute man on electric guitar. Matt Mueling, ladies and gentlemen. He's that mutation on social media. D madness is at Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson. And guys, the man on

the drums, the fucking Mexican Michael Gonzalez, Mike Agon 13 on social media. John Dees will be back next week. Of course, he's at John Keys on social media. That's the official fix vodka kill Tony. This is so great, man. We love fix vodka. I had a screwdriver this morning to get my day started. Before I went to the gym, I had a delicious screwdriver. That alkaline vodka gives me energy like you'd never believe. I just sit there like Samuel L. Jackson and Jackie Brown, slow sipping on that man. A great way to start the day. Again, Brian Holtzman as the dead air podcast, Ryan G belt.com for all the prints available. Check out the one year anniversary of the Red Rose. It's this Thursday featuring a couple of your favorite porn stars. How about one more

hand for the wild and lovely Kaylee? She just did a line of cocaine off the bottom of her shoe for those of you just listening to the podcast. It's a wild time out here in Austin, Texas, Red Band, right? Hey, Tony, not only do me and Brian Holtzman do a podcast together called Dead Air and we had Kaylee on the latest episode, but we have a show every week at Vulcan called the Desquad Secret Show with a lot of these people on there. Please check that out. Go to Desquad.TV for tickets. Thanks. Live audience, we did it again. We love you, Austin, Texas. Feels like home to me. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you. Bye.