KILL TONY - #507 - JESSICA MICHELLE SINGLETON

Episode Date: May 28, 2021

Jessica Michelle Singleton, William Montgomery, Zac Bogus, Michael Lehrer, David Lucas, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/03/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every podcast we do at Death Squad can be found on our website DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website ShopSquad.tv for everything merch. We have Death Squad hats and shirts and Kill Tony shirts. Go to ShopSquad.tv. If you want to find out anything about Tony Hinchcliff and his tour and his merch, you can go to TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, he draws every episode and you go to RyanJEbelt.com to get your books and prints. And if you want to see us live, you can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Not only do we have a show every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we are always on tour. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Antones in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for our Tony Hinchcliff.

Fuck yeah. Come on, Austin, Texas. It's a real live audience for this podcast, guys. Make some fucking noise. It's the birthplace of the blues or something like that. Red Band's here. What's up, everybody? Very, very exciting.

We've been having fun every single week here at our new home of Antones in Austin, Texas. And it's a lot more packed today. Yeah. We've gone to another level while the beautiful comedy store reopened to a capacity crowd of... Six. Yeah. It's like a few people there.

We are just fucking spreading and forgetting here. How many of you have already had the coronavirus? Make some noise. Where's my people that have been sick? Oh, good news. All of you that haven't are going to have it after this. So congratulations. We are building a herd immunity.

Speaking of herd, how about a hand for the amazing band? Huh? Wasn't that fucking diabolical? I love it. We've got D-Madness, Matt Mueling on guitar, D-Madness on bass, the great Michael Gonzalez on drums, and Elliot? Nathan. Nathan, that's right.

It looks like an Elliot to me. You look like a fucking Elliot, bro. Nathan. It's getting ripped. What? Nate? Oh, you're going by Nate. All right, Nathan.

Sure. All right. Mr. Cool Guy. Yeah, I guess so. All right. Nate on the keys. All right. Very exciting stuff.

Have a guest. Everything's ready to fucking rock and roll. But before we get tonight's episode started, here's a little bit from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you for free right now. Hey, y'all. This spring, as you get back outdoors to explore, take bespoke posts on all your adventures with a new lineup of essential box of awesome collections for guys guaranteed to upgrade your life.

I was wondering about this stuff. I got my box of awesome and it is so cool. I got a bunch of whiskey drinking stuff. I got a cool flask, a cool decanter with some glasses and axe. This stuff is awesome. Whether you're out taming the wilderness or taking your home bar to pro level heights, bespoke post only sends guys the best stuff every month no matter what you're into. Box of awesome has you covered from styling grooming goods to barware cooking tools and

outdoor gear. Box of awesome has collections for every part of your life. Yeah, this is really cool to get started. Just take the quiz at boxofawesome.com. Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you. They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. It's free to sign up and you can skip a month or cancel any time. Each box costs only 45 bucks but has over $70 worth of gear inside.

So get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code KILLTONY at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com, code KILLTONY for 20% off your first box. I'm telling you, KILLTONY supporters since day one, the ridge wallet, the best wallet that you can possibly have, sleek, amazing and holds up to 12 cards plus room for cash. There's over 30 colors and styles including carbon fiber and burnt titanium. I have the burnt titanium. I absolutely love it.

What's incredible about this product is they give you a full refund if you don't love it because they know you're going to love it. It's a front of the pant wallet instead of having one of those dinky wallets against your butt cheek. I can't imagine what your old wallet must have been going through. I think I have what a lot of people have is just that wallet you maybe got a target like five years ago and you have everything stuffed in it from subway cards you'll never use, a thousand different business cards and it just hurts to sit on.

I've had back pains from driving, from going on road trips. I can't believe I've been living like that for so many years and now my ridge wallet, I have just what I need in my pocket, in my front pocket. I don't barely even know it's there. It's great. And it's just so cool. It looks cool, pulling it out, feels good, makes you feel like a boss and it's an important part of your life.

You're going to have a wallet. Why not get a cool wallet and why not support Kiltony at the same time by doing so? Get 10% off today with free worldwide shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash Kiltony. That's ridge.com slash Kiltony and use the code Kiltony all one word for your discount. Again, 10% off today, ridge.com slash Kiltony and we're back. You guys ready to start tonight's show? That's right. The band is here.

They're going to be with us all night. The official Fix Vodka Band brought to you by Fix Vodka, the first ever Alkaline Vodka. Less hangover. No hard burn, it's distilled 10 times so you get a lot of acid reflex. Try it out. It's going to help you. I'm going to tell there's some real fucking girly girls here tonight that like vodka probably have serious drinking problems.

That's the way to do it. Get your girl a bottle of Fix Vodka and that's why they call it Fix. It'll fix all the problems that you have in your relationship. We what? Yeah, absolutely. We have a guest tonight, everybody. You want the guest? Huh?

Want a guest? Everybody? We had an epic episode where we found out that three, we had to pull three women out of the bucket in a row to have a funny woman on stage. It was a tough week for the ladies last week. But cool thing about this week is to overcompensate for it. We brought out a hired gun all the way from Los Angeles, California. This young lady is a paid regular at the comedy store.

I've been working with her for over a decade. Ladies and gentlemen, this is my little firecracker of a pal. The great Jessica Michelle Singleton. Come on, people. Make some noise for Jessica. I can feel that. Oh, it's not Joe Rogan vibe from this crowd tonight. God damn it.

He does like 50%. I swear he's there like half the episodes. I swear. Oh, fucking shit. Fucking girl. Fuck the shit, man. Look at all these fucking alpha beef heads here. This guy wore a fucking tank top out on a Monday night.

You know he was hoping for Joe Rogan. This fucking sloppy fuck. I love it. Jessica, welcome to the show. How are you? I'm great. Thanks for having me. We're going to have so much fun tonight.

We're going to see comedians get pulled out of a bucket. You guys know how this works. We have a bucket filled with comedians. I don't know if they're in there. I don't know what we changed things today. How am I standing room only people doing? Hell, yeah, look at that fake enthusiasm. They want to sit down so bad right now.

They're about to murder the person next to them just so they could sit on them like a warm couch. Yeah, we're going to see how this works out tonight. Some people are comedians. A lot of people signed up. If I put your name out of the bucket, you get to come on this stage and you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out all the way from West Hollywood. He's back. It is the West Hollywood bear. Oh, wow, his first time back. Today we had other gay areas of Austin, but we figured it out. We just paid the money. We flew the West Hollywood bear here via spirit airlines. It's so stupid.

I don't know what I'm saying. Ryan J. Ebel is drawing tonight's episode all the way from Los Angeles, California. How about a hand for Ryan J. He draws all the tour posters every single episode of the show. A really wild thing. If you're into art at all, go to Ryan J. Ebel.com. Every single episode of the show has its own personalized awesome drawing matching the tone and the guest of the show.

And here tonight, a local artist because we support all types of wacky fucking art. Here he is. Chris Rogers art. Everybody is right there live in the flesh. A real local artist really from Austin, born and raised. He's wearing headphones. If you're wondering, he's listening to this episode of Kill Tony. He's not listening to music.

He's still such a fan of the show that he wants it loud in his head. I love it. I'm all filled up. We had best barbecue show. I mean a CM smokehouse before the show. Our favorite place. CM smokehouse of bold and acres that CM underscore smokehouse on Instagram brought to us by Yoni, our ambassador of barbecue.

Follow him at best barbecue show on social media. Jessica Michelle singleton has a podcast to filthy nerds and she has a brand new country song for the first time ever. It debuted just about a month ago. It's called now I need a whiskey and to she stays true to the art form. That is a real whiskey. Thanks to our friends over at whistle pig whiskey. Not to be confused with number one tequila.

We have sponsors for every type of liquor. That's how you know we have serious problems on this show. Normally you have one liquor sponsor at a time, not here. We have it all for anybody that's in anything we have it. If anyone like sweet vermouth, the show is all right. Let's fucking do it. Shall we? How many of you are big time fans of the show?

We've been listening for years. All right, in that case, since there's so many of you here, why don't we start off with something special? This guy has his own entrance music because he is the longest standing regular in the history of the show, beating out Ali Mikovsky's record. He has been a regular for, geez, I think almost frickin three years or something. You might have to get rid of them soon. Something crazy.

He writes and performs a brand new minute every week. He has an incredible style. This is the real deal. I call him the big red machine. Make some noise for your first comedian, not out of the bucket, a regular, all the way from Los Angeles. Make some noise for William Montgomery, everybody. Wow, it's really him.

Yeah, it really is fucking me. My dad's so old, he used to spank me. My dad's so old, he remembers when Dr. Seuss was a sex symbol. My dad's so old, he banged Jesus' mom and convinced her to claim it was a miracle pregnancy. I love how we're supposed to listen to Bill Gates about COVID as if he isn't responsible for a software that is constantly being exploited by viruses. Did anyone else cry during Blue Man Group? I'm starting a home improvement store that sells fans and fans only.

I'm just trying to think of what to call it. Let me do that one more time and you all say only fans at the end of it. I'm starting a home improvement store that sells fans and fans only. I'm just trying to think of what to call it. Fan. My God, thank you all so much. Wow, there it is, William Montgomery getting the show started with a bang. Always fun to have the great and powerful.

You are really sunburned. Yeah, I went golfing today. Thank you, William. My God, where were you? It's fun to have someone redder than you on stage for a change, huh? I'm the medium red machine. Red me and shut it off. Thank you.

William, welcome back to the beautiful Austin. No, but you're really sunburned. Oh, okay. No, I'm sorry. I smoked a bunch of weed out back. I think it maybe was spice, so I am badly on edge. Fresh off of spice. Okay, very good.

Welcome back to the show. William, you are of a very indented belly button this evening. I'm noticing. Whoa. It appears as though perhaps someone is that funny as someone has been digging at your belly button. Can you explain why your belly button is so concave on? Yeah, I actually last night I watched a wonderful movie called one hour photo.

Today I bought a bunch of stock in Nikon. Okay. Did you pay for it with Bitcoin that you found in your belly button? No, I've actually started a new form of cryptocurrency. It's called Baby Ruth. Oh, okay. So it's the candy bar. Why didn't you laugh at that?

That was hilarious. I thought you were going to go Lint Coin. Can you not fucking say anything? Hey, fuck you. Can you fucking shut your mouth? Lint Coin has been called on the field. What's that red spot on your shirt? Oh, it's part of the shirt.

No, it's actually blood. Okay. How do you get blood on your shirt? I started doing a cat's cradle. It is a game that you use. It's a big thing of string. And I was doing a cat's cradle last night as I was watching one hour photo and I really messed my tummy up.

Yeah. I didn't do that by digging at your belly button. Just my finger. Just my finger. I really hurt myself. William, what's one of your favorite things about Austin, Texas? You keep coming back. It appears to like every week and a half now.

It used to be once a month. Probably the horrible fucking heat. I was sweating like a motherfucker earlier. Tony, I'll be quite frank. I don't think I should move here. I hate this place. I hate Austin. They're booing you, William.

What do you want to say to these people? They're booing you. Y'all buy my cryptocurrency. You can get it at 7-Eleven. You literally have to buy a baby Ruth bar and I get the proceeds. How do you get the proceeds? 7-Eleven gives it to you? It is one of those things where when you go to a restaurant and you take a picture of

the menu. What is that called? Y'all help me out. OK. Red Band has got you so good with that sound effect. I don't know if you heard that. He did. Yeah, it really owned you.

He did. He's a real bitch tonight. Oh, shut up. He's a real motherfucker tonight. Do you want to tell these people what we did at your fucking house last week? We kissed. We made out with each other in Tienus Watch. It was in virtual reality, but I also fucked your belly last night.

Oh, wow. Is that what happened? I didn't realize Red Band's dick could do that much damage to somebody. You finally fucking really. Yeah, good thinking on the drums on that one. My god. William is attacking everybody. He got Afro Man on the bass guitar.

My goodness. Are you roasting people, William? I've never seen this. I am roasted on spice. And he is on cake, too. Perhaps a little dehydrated from a hot day today. I am really dehydrated. How do you know what are your symptoms of dehydration?

I have only been drinking you who's. Oh, well, you who is not the drink to have. What are we? It is a chocolate water drink. Yeah, it is. How many you have that? Four of them today. Four you.

16 ounces. Oh my god, William, you are hot. I've been sweating all over the fucking place going to. Stop that, Red Band. That was a cat. It was a real cat. I've been going to 7-Eleven. That wasn't even Red Band.

That was an actual, I think it was a cat. An actual cat. I'm not buying it. William, what else? What else has happened this week? Anything else since the last time we saw you? I am addicted to the movie Pretty Woman. I don't know if y'all have seen that one.

It is a masterpiece. It is a 20th century delight. How many times do you, what is it, Dick? Yeah, play that song again and let's you and I kiss, Red Band. William, yeah, stick with me over here. When you say that you're addicted to Pretty Woman, how many times have you watched it? Like twice in the past three years. Oh, wow, that's a very serious addiction.

It's no hellraiser. William travels all the way from Los Angeles for this show. How cool is that, right, people? For you, here at Antones. His part doesn't even go on the show on the internet. We edit it out. If y'all could only imagine, what'd you just say? I was telling them that it's very special.

You perform just for these people. If y'all could only picture what I am seeing in my mind, I am picturing going to one of y'all's tall buildings and fucking jumping off. After this fucking set, I've been sweating all day. People aren't buying my shit. I'm going to jump off the building. That's right. You have a new t-shirt available.

Where can they buy that at? Yeah, y'all look at my merch. It's a new cracker barrel, sir. Plug the site, William. This is your one chance to do this. On instagram.com, my name is William.f.mcgmary1. This is a great motion. Y'all get the link on there.

All proceeds go to my mother. Hit the link on your Instagram, William. Where do they go to buy the t-shirt? Hit the link on my Instagram. All proceeds go to my sweet papa, Larry Montgomery. He is co-signing on my apartment tomorrow. Hey, new apartment in Austin. How old are you, William?

I am 34, and I'm acting like a fucking college student. Because I have no credit. I have no verifiable income. I am fucking going to 7-Elevens trying to tell people to buy fucking baby roots. They're not. That's a lie. I was lying to y'all about that.

It's not a true thing. It's not Bitcoin. Wow. I totally thought you were being serious when you said that you started your own cryptocurrency made out of baby roots exclusively sold at 7-Eleven. But I want to thank my sweet papa, Larry Montgomery, for co-signing on the apartment tomorrow.

All right. Well, William, we're very excited to have you in town. This was a great way to start the show. How about you guys make some noise for William Montgomery, everybody? Yeah. Yeah. I had a feeling you guys were going to do that.

Feeding a man's addiction to the little pretty woman, the stylings of Roy Orbison. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Come on, huh? Look what it is. Whoa. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the great Kaylee from the Red Rose.

Not to be confused with the Yellow Rose, their sister club, the two best strip clubs in all of Austin, Texas. Kaylee, why don't you wave to the audience? How about a hand for Kaylee, everybody? Woo! Isn't she adorable? She has her own podcast, ATX After Dark. Check it out.

Ooh, la, la. All right. Bunch of comedians in the back, bunch of comedians in the sidewalk. Let's create a little path, if we have to, for the stylings of Aaron Surousey. Aaron Surousey, our first bucket pull of the evening. That means anything can happen.

I'll tell you right now, we've had a lot of people with mental health issues on this show. The past month has been, basically, I don't know if there's just a tunnel coming from some asylum. But we've had some real heavy hitters, you know? Leonardo from New York, a hilarious young lady. But it's really been hit or miss, mostly miss, as of late. Lucas McCrae, oh my god.

That's some heavy hitters. But it has been some deep sea fishing here in Austin this month. Here is Aaron Surousey. Make some noise for Aaron. Yeah. I was in New York, and I saw a peddler. And the only thing he was selling was a box of condoms.

And so I was like, are they new? He's like, they're refurbished. And if it works for him, I have a box of condoms in my car right now, gently used, $10. Thank you. Gently used is the only way I can use a condom, because I got weak hips. You know?

Right, buddy? Right, guys? You too? I knew it. It takes a village for me to have sex, literally. There's me. There's the person I'm having sex with. And then there's the person that guides my hips in and out.

You know how it is, buddy, right? He's got me. But let me tell you guys, let me tell you, best three minutes of your life, OK? Best three minutes. I don't last three minutes. I'm done after two, but I paid the guy for three minutes. So at some point, it's just a limp body,

just slamming against. Thank you, guys. OK, Aaron Surousey. Weak hips, a little bit of trouble in the bedroom. What are you fucking exactly, Aaron? Whose dead corpse are you fucking? Different every night, you know? The fuck was that noise, Michael Gonzalez?

Michael Gonzalez. He's out. Aweing, everybody. I have an aweer behind me. You feel bad for me saying that he fucks corpses? Thank you, Michael. Thank you so much. Last thing I want to do is hurt the drummer's feelings

back here. I thought you were toughened up after a couple months of doing this show. Little. The first thing next to me, I got put up with this shit. Demadness. Demadness will not turn a blind eye to your antics, Michael Gonzalez.

I love it. Aaron, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, correct? Yes. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like three-ish years. Three-ish years.

All of it here in Austin? So I started in San Francisco. But I've mainly done in Austin since. Uh-huh. It mainly started where? San Francisco. San Francisco. And how long were you there?

Just a year. OK. Just a year. All right. Did you live there before that? No. So I moved there. From where?

Austin. OK. You moved to San Francisco. Because Austin wasn't liberal and, uh, you got me. Yeah. You had to go straight to the fucking town. Yeah. I graduated high school.

Then went to San Francisco and lived on a boat. Oh, wow. I mean, that is just as fucking cool as it is. Did you also fight in Vietnam or something like that? I mean, kind of fucking hippy, are you? I tried. They told me I was a little weak. You're a weak hippy with weak hips.

Weak hippies. Weak hippies. I love it. So welcome, welcome. This is your first time on Kill Tony. I feel like there's so much about you that we could find out. What do you think we should know about you?

You know the show at all? You know how it works? We're like, we ask questions and try to find interesting things about the people? I mean, if I'm honest, if I'm completely honest with you. We love honesty. I never knew Kill Tony existed until you came to Austin. OK, perfect.

We could say the same fucking thing about you, Aaron. Jesus Christ, this fucking guy. Yeah, maybe if you weren't living on a fucking boat, you'd have Wi-Fi and you'd know we're the number one live podcast in the world. You son of a bitch. I'm kidding. I'm just joking.

I'm not offended by you not. I barely know the show exists. And I host it every week. I love it, Aaron. So welcome. So what are some interesting things about you and your life, like the highlights of your life? You ever win a trophy for anything?

You ever fucking do anything cool? You're a dungeon master? God, I wish. You can get paid for that, did you know? Yeah, answer the question that I asked a second ago before he threw in that killer dungeon master line. It fucking really rocked the room, totally worth it. We were vibing, and then you just had to jump in the middle.

I know. I'm still waiting for an answer to that question. 35 seconds ago. What I do, let's see, I rock climb. I hang out with my dog. You've got a lot of rock climbing, so it might be the most boring answer in the history of answers. Oh, wow.

Do you like to climb with your left or your right hand? I'm kidding. What else other than climbing rocks? And I don't know. I'm a pretty boring person. I go to school. What are you studying at school? Communications.

You must be a freshman. This better fucking workout. Must be a dungeon master. OK, so let's talk about it. You talked about sex. You talked about condoms, weak hips. You talked about fucking. Who are you fucking?

How often are you fucking? I'm so interested to know about this. I cannot picture it. Me neither, thank God. Did you want pictures or? Well, even team madness doesn't want a picture of you fucking. The one man that can do nothing with it, and he's disgusted by the thought of seeing a picture of you

fucking. Team madness, what do you think this guy looks like? If you had to guess. If you had to guess. You put one of those microphones near him. Does that even work? Will it help the audience here at least? Yeah, sure.

Share with team madness. Share that microphone. Just put it right in front of his face there. What do you think he looks like? Uh, uh, oof. Yeah, I'm just, I can't, I'm trying to figure out how to say this. You just go for it, D. Tell the truth. Kind of a wimp nailed it.

Definitely nailed it. I, that's exactly how I would have described it without a doubt. Yeah, I love it. Who are you? Let's talk about your sex life. How are you? You have a girlfriend, boyfriend? I have a girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend. How long have you two been together? Uh, year and a half. Okay. Okay. You keep in it, you guys having sex, sexual relations. A lot of people that talk about sex on stage end up not having a lot of sex. I feel like he's kinky.

I feel like you're a kinky guy. Yeah, I'm getting that. I'm getting those kinds of vibes. Well, you're thinking wrong. Oh, little missionary position. You're used to having boat sex. Boat sex. A lot of the boat does the work for you.

It just rocks and you just sit there and like wait for them to ride that way. I swear to God, babe, when this high tide comes, you're fucked. So let's talk about it. What are some of your moves in the bedroom? You only have two. You top and bottom. You like doggy style, like froggy style. Or where you jump around.

What are we talking about here? I don't know. Something such a silly mood today. Go ahead. I mean, like, let's be real. It's what most of us do. It's just like missionary. Then we're done.

Wham, bam, go to sleep. You really think that's what most people do. There's a bunch of fucking texts that this guy wore a tank top tonight. You think a guy in a tank top has two positions? Look at him. Look, he's doing the fake slap that nobody does in real life ever. It's very excited and clearly masturbates a lot. A lot of Joe Rogan masturbation going on there like to Joe Rogan.

What's that? Like he masturbates to Joe Rogan. Yeah, he thinks about Joe Rogan. It's impossible. Absolutely right. It happens a lot. So just single position. You said missionary and then you're done.

Yeah. How long do you usually last? Be honest here. This is a big question. You have minutes, seven minutes, 15 minutes, 30. I think it ranges. Yeah. I don't know.

What does it depend on? Um. It's like it depends if I'm intoxicated, you know. Do you shut up? What? Whoever's asking questions, shut the fuck up. You don't do that. So welcome to the show.

You don't ever do that again. Welcome, my friend. It did bring up a good point. He does have two phones. Oh, OK. Red Band has decided to embrace the audiences from the question because why the fuck not? I not light the world on fire while we're here. Passport, which is a great idea.

Yeah, I love it. A true gentleman. Hey, I'm with you, buddy. I carry my fucking passport with me all the time as well. Definitely. And my phone, everyone. You never know. Fat stack of cash.

No, I'm kidding. What the fuck are you on the run from? You never know. You never know when you need to get the fuck out. All right. This was fun, Aaron. I wish we would have gotten something else out of you. What's the wildest thing you ever did in the bedroom?

You say your missionary position and you're out. But I want to know what the highlight. Do you want like the full story? Let's fucking go. How many do you want the full story of this fucking guy? Let's go. Here we go. I fucked this up.

Mike's stand up. Sorry. No, it's all right. I fixed it. Is this it? Are you about to fuck the mic stand? I'll demonstrate on the full. You want the full story?

Just jumps on it, takes it right up the ass. You want weird? This is fucking weird. So full story. So I was like, I was like having sex with some random girl off Tinder. OK. And so like everything's happening. You know, we're going at it.

I'm like on top of her. And then she she grabs my head, pulls me forward and she just goes, I love you. I love you. I love you. Did we fuck? Probably. She said, I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. Yeah, I've never met this girl before. Uh huh. Was she on top? No, I was. Oh, uh huh. How deep into the sex was this?

Was this a media like first pump or like minute 10? We were we were like like minute 15. Oh, look at you. We're finding out more about that range we heard about earlier. Huh? Hello. All right. So minute 15 out of nowhere, she just goes, I love you.

I love you. I love you. Did you go? I love you too. I love you too. I love you too. Did you come immediately? I should have.

I started laughing and like nothing made has made me softer in my life than someone saying I love you that I've never met before. Yeah. But then I like didn't want to. I didn't want to disappoint. So I kept on like trying to pretend like we could still have sex and like I think it was working because she was still into. I don't know.

Yeah. Wow. Scary. That reminds me. I once, this is years ago, but I once had a, uh, I once had like this, uh, girl I was hooking up with, right? And one time, and I don't know why I did this and I never did it since, but one time I was having sex with her and I at one point during it all, I go, but

I didn't like mean it. So it's going to sound bad when I first say it, but I was like, I was like, uh, I was like, oh God, I fucking love you like that, but it wasn't like and I love you, right? It was like, uh, it was like, I love this, right? You know what I mean? And I thought I because I didn't hear I love you because I heard what I was thinking, right?

Which is like, oh, this is fucking hot, right? Type of, but what the words that came out of my mouth were I fucking love you roast, right? Horrible. And sure enough, when, uh, when that ended, whatever, you know, a few weeks or whatever happened, you know, and I mean, after that, I got a fucking, she went wild, lots of text messages. And at one point she goes, you told me you fucking love me.

So I had to answer to that. Amy Schumer, everyone. Yeah, that's who it was. That's who was. Red Band, Red Band, Red Band coming up of Dungeon Master finds himself. Same thing. Aaron Sorousey. Thank you so much, everybody.

Aaron Sorousey is at Aaron.com and he, wait, wait, wait, Aaron. Come here. Come here. I just want to say we have these kill Tony leather joke books made by bones eye, a local leather artist here in Austin, Texas. The coolest shit kill Tony. The actual crossover, the new, uh, gun crossing with microphones. Uh, but we're going to give you the tiny one.

We have tiny ones as well. We're going to give you one of the tiny ones. Aaron Sorousey, a good sport, good comedian, Aaron.com. And he there he goes. Everybody follow him on social media going totally a different direction than how he gave him on the stage. But, uh, there you go. It didn't even remember how he got up here.

That's the, wow. That's the adrenaline of the show. Look how cute these little books. Here's Kaley. Everyone keeping everything clean for us, keeping the show nice and sanitary, incredible. Who better to keep everything clean than one of the dirtiest little girls we've ever met in our lives.

All sperm hands fresh off of a, what appeared to be a cocaine bender last week. I love it. Lots of energy last week. I don't know what happened. She seems pretty chill today. All right. This looks like a fun name.

How about make some noise for Mariano D. Vincenzo Mariano D. Vincenzo. Let's get it on. Yeah. Hey. All right. Here we go.

There's Mariano D. Vincenzo coming to this stage. One more time for Mariano. Everybody. So there are people who call me a conspiracy theorist, but as far as I'm concerned, those people can fall off the edge of the earth. I'm not a conspiracy theorist though. I just, I think for myself, nobody controls my thoughts because my

parents didn't vaccinate me. Just kidding. By the way, I did get my second dose of the Pfizer. I figure it's too late for me to get autism. So by the way, I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm actually from South America. So I've been like vaccinated for like real third world diseases. And I just generally feel like culting conspiracies are a white thing.

I, yeah, I feel like you don't mean a lot of Scientologists. All right. All right. That was it. So there you go. That's a minute right there. Mariano D. Vincenzo.

Very funny. Thank you. Yeah. Building momentum throughout the set. You were on the show a couple of weeks ago, right? I was. Yes. Yeah.

And what happened there? I had a decent set. You mostly made fun of my hair. Right. That sounds about right. Yeah. And yeah, you made Agabar look really bad. So I want to, I want to give him a new shout out because I made what what

Agabar, my barber who's been here on the show. Right. No, Agabar made Agabar look really bad and he did that again on this appearance as well. Nothing's changing the hair. The set was fantastic. But that doesn't mean anything about your hair. Even carrot top has good sets.

Luckily, we're not judging your hair here, Mariano. I thank God. Thank God. I love it. I love it. I also love that even when you're wearing a shirt, it still looks like you're like one of those barber apron things. What the fuck is that?

What are you Conor McGregor's valet driver or something like that? What is that? Where's your Cosby show shirt or find that fucking thing? I started wearing like these vintage shirts. I used to be really shy. So it was kind of a way of like when I put on these shirts, it just kind of helped get attention and I kind of learned how to. Yeah, you put the you put the awe in autistic.

Oh, thank you. Well, oh, there's the sound of autism for those of you wondering. A lot of people think it's a seal that is our autistic friend. There he is. There you go. Oh, wow. Look at that quiet. A lot of haze in the audience.

Exactly. Oh, come on, guys. Everyone here have an autistic cousin or something like that? I probably let's talk about it, Mariano. So what did we not talk about when you were on a couple of weeks ago that since that appearance, you thought like, shit, I can't believe it. I didn't mention that that would have been fun for us all to riff on and I heard my knee dancing on 6th Street.

Pretty bad. Really? When was this in the morning? It was like two months ago. Okay. It was right like when the pandemic ended and it was like two in the morning and it was last you hurt your ACL during ACL. Wait, did I say ACL?

No, Street. I'm just guessing you said you hurt your knee. I hurt my knee. I was on 6th Street right like two months ago and it was like right when I was starting to feel okay about the dance move. How many of you want to see the dance move that show that he did? There we go. I was doing this a little.

I'll give us a little something. I was doing this and then snap right here. Wait, what kind of dance move is that? I was just dropping it. If you show us dance, dance you son of a bitch. Whoa. Wow. Jesus Christ.

You dance like you're at a 7th grade fucking dance, whatever the fuck. Anyway, son of a bitch. God damn it. Your autism is contagious. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Were you dancing with someone?

Were you by yourself? No, I was I was trying to dance with somebody and then it just hold on. Play that song again. Now I just want to picture you dancing like this by yourself. Do it again. And everybody around you is just pointing and laughing, right? All right, that's enough. Thank you.

Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you so much. Was that like your approach to someone? You're like, hey. Honestly, I was very drunk and the person I was talking to was very drunk. And then who are you talking to? I remember it was like last call at a bar and the girl like I just talking to some

random girl just the way you do when you're drunk. No idea how it started and then she like mentioned that she's like got it. It was like right when quarantine. She's like I was in a like three month relationship and the guy left me and I was like trying to pretend. I was like, oh, and then I was like, oh, this is great. Did you say the guy left you? No, it's for her like some guy that she was in a relationship for like three months.

I got so excited there. Yeah. And you're like, she'll fuck anybody. He's going to ask you basically about that. Thank you for saying it because and then she kicked you in the knee as well. And no, and then and then her friend left. I guess because she realized she was probably standing on one side of you and she was into you and then she went to the other side and saw your hair.

Yeah, it's a real fucking. It's a real dark side of the mood over there. So let's talk about it. Mariana, when did you start wearing shirts like that? You said that you were shy and then about like God, it's been like eight years or so eight years. Okay. So you sort of have it.

It's like your own little trademark basically. Yeah. What else do you do for fun? Mariana, you seem like an energetic guy. You're out there dancing. I don't know. I mean, I like reading, which is kind of boring. I don't know.

I what else? Fuck rock climbing. I went to I guess I went to a wedding right across the border. I walked into the border, which is pretty interesting. The border of Mexico. Yeah. Jesus Christ, bro. What?

Well, why do you even know the people? Yeah. Well, yeah, obviously I wouldn't do it otherwise. Yeah, well, I'm more Latino than people think. So I have like a friend from Peru and he married a girl from like Florida, Mexico. So we parked our car on the US border and walked into Mexico. You just walked across the border.

Yeah, you'd like I have a picture right like in between the river right in between the two bridges. You can just do that. You can go into Mexico and nobody gives a shit. Like, yeah, no, get out. Yeah, you can just leave and nobody cares. But if you want to try to come back, they don't care if Americans come up. They're like, did you bring anything?

Do you have anything with you? Can we have something? Yeah. Sorry, Michael Gonzalez. See, you don't you don't all that, but you are the other guy. I'm making fun of all your people right now. I love it. Okay.

Are they say how long ago was that wedding? Like a week ago. Oh, wow. Okay. So fresh, fresh, fresh off the border. That's what I love it. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, anything special.

They do anything extra Mexican there. Did they, you know what I mean? Did she throw her bouquet over the wall or something like that? Just just a typical Mexican stuff. They wouldn't leave like to like six or just always like one drunk person who wants to like sing mariachi karaoke or whatever. Was that you? It was not me.

I was I was extra respectful just because I that was in a border town. You look like you're part of the mariachi band with that. Yeah, there's a very mariachi. Yeah, there's a very mariachi energy to you. It's a very harriachi or something like that. Harriachi. All right. Mariana, what's your sex life like?

We've been talking with, we just had a real, real serious discussion with Aaron Cerosi. A real animal. I, it's been pretty slow for the last like three months. I had a hook up like three months ago and I'm kind of off the dating apps right now, just trying to take care of myself. Just clearing your head. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I just, I'm trying to do it organically or whatever, just meeting people and I'm starting to get my confidence and just, yeah, well, the dating apps are fucking with my head. So I just felt like it was a time to just whatever. Just like put on the shirt and meet a lady. I like it. Yeah.

Normally weddings, ladies are very turned on. They're very like horny and things like that. Did anyone make a move at you at this, move on you at this wedding? I was pretty scared and were able to write up. Did you tell them you're American? You should just have a, you should just have a, you should just have a name tag that says my name is American on it. I told them I was Argentinian, which means they probably hated me more.

They don't, they don't like us. Yeah. See, he just went. Yeah. Michael Gonzales just threw up on his snare drum when you said you're Argentinian. All right, Marianna, you got lucky a couple of weeks here. Welcome back to the show. Congratulations.

You know what? You're so, you were so funny. I'm going to give you a full size kill Tony joke book. Thanks to our friend, Adrian Cavazos. He hand makes these. This is another local Austin artist. You can follow him on Instagram at bones. I with a Z in the middle, B, O, N, E, Z, E, Y, E bones.

I. How about another hand for Marianna D. Vincenzo? Everybody. We're doing it here today. Yeah. Why don't you remember how to get off the stage? That's very weird. What's happening here? That's sort of a, you know, he almost jumped off the front.

He was okay. Uh-oh. We know this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian helps us out here on this show. He is a barbecue specialist. He has his own show called best barbecue show on the internet. He feeds us regularly. He is our, basically our ambassador of food here in Austin, Texas.

Any type of food, anything that we want to do, we always ask Yoni first. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. It's Yoni everybody. Texas. I love Texas. I've been here for 12 years, which means I'm not one of those new people. I've learned a lot about Texas living here. One of the things is you can't drive slow.

If you want to get on I-35, you better hit the gas like you're on the last lap of the fucking Daytona 500 or else someone's going to be right up your ass. You know, if we walked around downtown or in grocery stores that way, people think you're crazy. Like if I stood right here, you'd think I was insane, right? I was standing this little close, right? She's uncomfortable. This is how we drive.

I love Texas barbecue. That's my thing. Uh, I love it because it's the best big dick energy. It's a giant black tube filled with hot meat. If you want to eat Texas barbecue, eating a big black cock, run it all day. Uh, you also have to cook barbecue by burning an entire tree. You can't cook like for 10 minutes, an hour or two hours. You got to put a whole fucking tree in that thing, chop it up, get some, uh, strong arms,

et cetera. Thank you. Yoni. Fuck yeah, dude. I love it. One of the reasons why I love Yoni, you'll notice that, uh, that I have a lot of love for me because he's doing stand up and he is admittedly green, right? You're brand new at it.

Brand new. You've been hitting open mics though. You've been hustling around town. He tells me all the time, never misses a chance to tell me I'm doing an open mic tonight. I'm doing a mic tomorrow. I did a mic last night. Uh, I love it. You're working it out.

You're talking about stuff that you know. Let me ask you this. If you were doing a normal show with a normal audience where people aren't on stage with you, how does that joke about the I-35 end? If you're not putting your dick next to the guest on the, on the show. Well, I use the stand a lot. Oh, okay. But it, but a lot of the open mics, there's actually like, there's a wine bar where there's

a lot of people with their backs to you and a lot of times they're not paying attention. So I'll get like right behind one of them. Oh wow. Fuck yeah. They're not a great idea. They rarely do comedians mix their me too with their performance. Normally we wait till after something like that, but not you. You just go for it.

I love it. Yoni. Um, you talked about the 35. I mean, you got a good point. I guess that's sort of everywhere. I don't know what the fuck the deal is with people out here. But I mean, if somebody could tell their friends with the giant trucks that the far left lane is not for them, I'd greatly appreciate it.

It's frightening that the far right lane for some reason has become the passing lane here. And I get it. You guys love that. Yeah. Things move a little bit slower. If you're running late for things, maybe you should leave the house a little bit earlier. I can hear all your Texas bullshit. Right.

I can, I understand how you think. Trust me. How about you just fucking get over one lane? There's four lanes. A lot of you are in the far left lane. This also goes for dumb girls as well. I noticed that when it's not a gigantic truck with an old school suburban country man in it, there's just a normal chick checking out her phone in the far left lane because she

feels safe because she's not going to get hit. They get nervous about cars on their left and their right. You get a little nervous. The wall makes you feel safer. Get the fuck over. No one's hitting you from the left. No one's hitting you. Just get over.

You don't belong in the far left lane. Thank you. Sincerely Corvette owner Tony Hengecliffe. So anyway, sorry, I had to get that out of my system. If everybody could clip that clip and just spread it all around the internet, maybe I could be like the change. I could be like the Barack Obama of change of left lanes, even though Barack never changed anything at all.

I got to say, I think Texas actually does the left lane way better than any other state I've ever been in. They actually get pissed if you're in the left lane here. I've noticed and they enforce this a little bit more. I don't know, man. I went to Dallas last weekend. It was fucking embarrassing. Dallas is a little different.

It's not as good as Austin, Texas. Hell yeah. Jesus red man. You're so gay. You're so gay sometimes. And that's coming from me. Oh my. All right.

So Yoni, let's talk about, you talked about the 35 and then would you go into barbecue? Yeah, barbecue. Absolutely. Talking about what you know. What'd you cover there? You talked about big black tubes. Big dick energy. Right.

Barbecue. You love barbecue. What about your Saturday routine? Every Saturday I go to Snow's barbecue in Lexington, Texas. Opens at 8 a.m. Only opens Saturdays with Miss Tootsie, an 86 year old pit master. Just turned 86 a week ago. 86 year old lady.

Yeah. And I bet she doesn't, even 86 year old lady doesn't stay in the far left lane. This is a lady that knows how to utilize the middle lanes. You just go the speed limit. Life's easy there. That's it for those of you that want to go the speed limit. That's the fucking lane for you. She drives a cute little pickup truck.

It's adorable. That's so sweet. 86 years old, still working the pits. Hell yeah. What else? You go there. That's an early gig for you, right? Yeah.

8 a.m. So I get there around 6.37. Wow. Do you ever get sick of barbecue? Fuck no. I've had it really. I've had it maybe 10 times, 15 times since I've moved here. And I'm like, I'm kind of over it for a while.

Doesn't look like you're over it at all. Looks like you're under it. Or have you had your blood checked to see what your sodium levels are or anything like that? Not recently. I probably should. Have you had your blood checked to see yours? Yeah. I mean, it was like four years ago.

I love it. All right. What are you looking at? Guys, you're blocking a camera right down the middle there. There's a camera right behind you. Yeah, there you go. Anybody that's ever right there in that little zone, try not to stand up. This especially goes to the people standing right there in front of the camera.

Thank you so much. It's a reunion. Save the huggies for another time. Shall we? I know you're excited to see each other. I promise you this is a recorded show. It's a party in here. It really is.

I love this standing room. At first I was a little curious about this standing room, but leave it to Anton's to no rock and roll. I know how to fill up a rock club. It feels good up here. Shout out to the famous ticket scalpers from a couple weeks ago that leaving one empty table here front and center. I love it. So, Yoni, fun times. You have, I got to be honest with you, and I think everybody that knows you agrees with this.

You are one of the most positive, coolest people, and you have made a lot of people's transition. Dost and resident. Very easy. Very smooth. A lot of you people that are kill Tony fans and fans of comedy have to thank this guy out on the streets when you see him, because he keeps us all feeling real at home here. How about one more time for the comedy stylings of Yoni, everybody? Yeah!

Best BBQ on social media. Best mustache rides. Awesome. Real thick mustache. Very thick. Girthy mustache on that guy. Juicy mustache. Here's Kaylee.

The Red Rose just celebrated their one-year anniversary this past week. How many of you have been to either the Red Rose or the Yellow Rose, huh? These guys, you guys haven't been over here at the high top? No? Wow, you gotta go. Tank top. You ever been to Red Rose, Yellow Rose? You ever go to a strip club?

No. I think tank top is secretly a tank bottom. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking. I'm getting old middle finger. The old middle finger. That's a way to kill Tony. All right.

Dubs. Dubs is next. Dubs General. So wacky name. Should be interesting. Dubs General. That's a store, isn't it? We'll see what happens.

Sounds like an insurance company. Dubs General. For the best jokes you've heard in town called 1-800-Dubs General now. Here he comes. Oh, he's on crutches, everybody. Oh. We love people on crutches. I just met this guy.

We love a good fresh injury. We're going to talk all about it after the set. Oh, he's got a Bucky shirt on. Oh, wow. This guy is a very likable, representing Bucky's. Yeah. You can't. He's got an injured foot.

And he's getting an injured foot. This is a moment where an injured man tries to get around the blind bass player, everybody. This is a real live show. Anything can happen. One more time for Dubs. I hate bitches with braces. It's because you're lying through your teeth, bitch. Yeah.

When I fuck my girl, I like to yell out Kobe before I come. Got to represent for LA. I love pussy. I love all types of pussy. I love white pussy. It just needs a little bit more seasoning on it. I love black pussy. It always looks like this.

What's wrong, pussy? I love Mexican pussy. It's just too fertile. I'm pregnant. Like, bitch, I'll just shake your hand. Bitch, lie down. You ever heard this? It's called toilet paper pussy.

You ain't never had no toilet paper pussy. That's it. I'm Dubs General. Dubs General. I'd remember you if you were on this show before. You have not been, correct? Welcome, sir. Appreciate it.

Indeed. Absolutely welcome to the show, Dubs. Thank you. Oh, shit. D-Madness. He did. He did. Really?

Yeah, I was at David's looking show last night. Oh, okay. Awesome. I love it. So here's the, well, my first question is this. You said that you yell Kobe before you come. Why exactly is that? Is that because your come is going to crash into her from above?

It's just a bunch of kids dying. Kobe jokes for some reason, the most death threats possible ever in my life all have come from Kobe Brian jokes. So we'll see what happens here. It's because I shoot a lot. Oh, okay. All right. That's right.

Yeah. That's a good thing to do with come. It's never fun to pass to your friend when you're going to shoot a load. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know. Been there. I love it. That's a $20 question.

What happened to your foot? I was playing basketball with my son. I was going to say some weird shit, but yeah, no, just playing basketball with my son. Okay. Yeah. All right. You don't yell Kobe when you're with your son. Do you?

Oh, no. Good. Good. Even though you're playing basketball, I'd like to make sure you don't want to mix the two. You don't want to get confused and accidentally shoot a load on your son. It's the last thing you want to do. Just dribble it.

Hey, look at that. That's Carmelo Anthony. That's what red band yells before he's going to come. He yells Scotty Pippen and then he dribbles out of his deck. All right. Dubbs general, how long have you been doing stand up? Three years. Three years.

All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I actually am all over the country. I just came from Florida just for David's show and this show. Oh, sweet. What part of Florida? Citrus Springs, which is in our north and our east of Tampa. Tampa and Orlando. Okay.

Damn. Very cool. All right. I'm actually throwing a festival there too, but when are you throwing the festival there? August 6th and August 7th. Wow. That is so crazy. Yeah.

You're going to be there at side splitters. You want it? Well, I'm not going to be at the festival, right? Side splitters. But that's not part of your festival, is it? No, but I'm so crazy. I was going to ask you if you wanted to open for me at side splitters in Tampa, but you're doing a festival.

No, no, no. Wait a second. We're going to work it out. It's at the same weekend of your own festival. Yes. But I have workers that will work it and then I will drive down. It's only an hour. Oh my God.

Are you sure? I mean, I don't want you to break your foot. Am I sure? All right. Well, there you go. Absolutely. Please. Yes.

Sweet. Well, then there you go. 5th, 6th, and 7th at side splitters in Tampa. Great job. You got opened for me. I appreciate it. Dubs general. Three years in the game.

Somebody's got to do it. That's where I started. Plus, this is an easy way to make sure that you don't complain about that Kobe joke on the Internet when the show premieres. See that's a fucking house of cards. Keep your friends close. But the enemy is close. Dubs, what do you do for work?

What do you do for a living? I work with IT. I work for a hospital. Awesome, man. Nice. Okay. That's fun. And living in Florida.

Yep. Out there. Just move there from here in San Antonio, like right when you guys moved here. What made you move to Florida at that time? All right. Let's go into it. So I was getting a divorce. And my wife or ex at the time now lived in Florida.

And I wanted to be a great dad and have my kids closer to their mom. So I moved to Florida. Oh, wow. Look at that. There you go. Good dad. Nice. Good father.

Don't see a lot of those in comedy. Great. That's the best joke of the whole episode. That did not get what it deserved. That's just like a Michelle Singleton right there. Cranking it. All right. What do you like to do for fun?

What are some hobbies you see when you're not playing basketball with your son or coming and yelling Kobe on someone's chest? What are some other things that? I do a video a day on YouTube with some funny shit. Just whether I have a puppet too that I started a new puppet show. Really? Pretty much I realized that there's a lane that's missing right now because it's the Muppets.

Jesus Christ. Guys, please. The one table that can't stand continuously. I love you guys so much. Please stop standing. Will someone tell him that I'm talking to him? Hey, you right there. Guys, stop standing.

Please stop standing up. Please. There's one camera that gets most of the show. It's right there. Thank you. I love you guys so much. You're cutting off my good tits. Jesus fucking Christ.

They are good tits. They are good tits. Oh, wow, someone just broke a glass. What was the answer to that question about things that you do for fun again? Doing a puppet show because there's like a lane that's missing. There's not like an urban puppet show. That is true. There is no, there is no, there is no Tyler Perry presents Muppet babies.

Muppets from the hood. There is that. There is Willie, though, the famous Willie puppet. Willie Tyler and Lester. I love Willie and Lester. And of course, I don't know, I'm from, I'm actually from an all black neighborhood. I know that you guys might not believe that, but it's true. And one of the movies that I was raised on that me and my young African-American friends

would watch is a little movie called Tales from the Hood. Yeah. And there are, there is one of the anthologies that, that features a lot of scary black puppets. Black puppets, shockingly scarier than white puppets. Agreed. White puppets are fucking child's play compared to black puppets. Now is your, that didn't get a laugh, but it was smart. Child's play.

White doll. Thank you. Is your puppet something that you bought, like say, like Amazon? Because I actually bought a black puppet after some research and it wasn't that great of a puppet. It's hard to find a good black puppet. What do you say the black puppet didn't work for you? No, it's just, it was. What did it steal your wallet right then?

It was poorly made. It was probably made by a Mexican puppet. My puppet is Mexican. Oh, it is? He is Mexican. He wears like a, like a cape and a mask and his name is Bluey. Wow. I love it.

Not the, not the first Mexican anything to peek up over a wall, right? You know what I mean? That's true. Puppet jokes, everybody. Did you make it yourself? No, I got it from Hobby Lobby. Oh, Hobby Lobby selling Mexican puppets. Got it from where?

What's it called? Hobby Lobby. Oh, Hobby Lobby. Yes. It's the poor people place. You don't go there. Indeed. No, no, I don't.

I don't at all. They don't even allow people like me in there. Yeah. No gays allowed. They tell me get, get up. You son of a bitch. Wow. How to get it in there.

That's joke of the night right there. Such a shame that I'm going to be bringing totally different people to Tampa to open for the first weekend of August. All right. Dubs, so much fun. Congratulations. I'm going to see you August 5th, 6th and 7th. You'll be going up first on those shows.

Awesome. Great meeting you. Anything else for Dubs? No, man. Great meeting you, man. I appreciate it. I think with the Kobe, the Kobe joke, I think what you said in his response, it's actually a very clean joke to go like because I shoot a lot.

It's worth thinking about. Okay. It's a setup for like a really hard punch and I wanted a harder punch. Yeah. No, I appreciate that because I literally wrote that joke last night before I went with David and I just didn't know where else to go with it. Yeah. I think just the honest answer of like because I shoot a lot or something like that.

Like because it's set up for a hard punch and you were like, right. And also I can't do this part, but you might be able to. You could also say because a bunch of children die on her afterwards. Anyway, that's for those of you that know what happened in the actual. Tony Hinscliff at awel.com. Yeah. That's my email for those of you trying to reach out to me. Guys, come on.

Give one more hand for at Dubs general everybody. I appreciate it. Social media. D UBC general. All one word. Hey, can I have a crown royal and coca-cola whenever you get a chance here? Why don't you have a whistle one crown and coke? Actually, sure.

If you guys have whistle pig, I'll do whistle. But whatever crown and coke is fine. How about a hand for the staff here at Anton's keeping us all filled up. And here's Kaylee from the Red Rose fresh off their one year anniversary. Everybody went there. We had a blast. I mean, the place is so much fun. And they have a world famous cheeseburger at the Red Rose.

Thank you very much for those of you that love cheeseburgers. I know it might not be the place that you think of first for your cheeseburgers. No pubes. Everyone's here. The only reason I go there is for the cheeseburgers. You guys want another special treat? All right. Clearly you don't.

You guys want another special treat? All right. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you yet another regular on the show. It feels like we're in Los Angeles. All the regulars are here, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for this guy. One of the best joke writers in the show's history. Always a brand new minute and one of the best roasters in the game.

Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, he's already here. David Lucas, believe it or not. It's spoiler alert. David Lucas. Yeah. What's up, y'all? I don't only do jokes like this, but I said, fuck it.

I'm going to try it on Kill Tony. So Bill Gates and Melinda Gates are getting a divorce. Y'all heard about that shit? I heard that Melinda Gates is leaving Bill because he has a dick that's Microsoft. Oh, shit, it worked. Ladies, I want you to know that if your boyfriend can't beat me up, that means that you're single. It's like I'm going to do like Trump in front of him and grab you by the pussy.

Gonna fill on your ass. When I'm having sex with women, I don't know if they're screaming from my dick or if they're screaming because I'm hurting them. You know what I'm saying? Like after a girl fucks me, she feels like she's been raped. Oh, shit, y'all feel flat. Her legs hurt, her thighs hurt. All right, there we go.

Yeah, I needed that. I needed that me out. That rape joke. That's her pussy. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen of the Hand for David. That Bill Gates, Melinda Gates thing is today. That happened today and I'm seeing a big divorce. That's another big one.

Yeah, I wrote that like an hour ago. These rich guys, I mean, we're talking about like hundreds of billions of dollars. Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates divorcing people, proving that there is no amount of money that is better than new pussy. Yeah. I mean, it is just, everyone loves a fresh fucking dirty little fucking sniggity snatch. You know what I mean? Oh man.

He's going to drown. Oh, even the gay guy with the tank tops nodding his head to this one. Even he loves fresh pussy. Whether it's man pussy or not, he loves it. David, can you believe it? You can't even do gay jokes on me tonight. This guy is in the front row flaming it up. Yeah.

By the way, it's only funny because he's clearly not gay, everyone. For those of you gay people that are going to write a blog about this, about how gay, Tony, he was gay in a negative term. I don't know. He might be bruh shit. I don't know. I'm going to butt fuck him later and find out if he's gay or not. I'm going to find out what's what.

Use the old fucking. I'm going to check his oil. See what's going on down there. Hey, what's up? My man. So David Lucas is here. Welcome, David. You're back in Austin, Texas.

What's shaking? What's happening? I just got back from Atlanta. You know what I'm saying? Did some shows out there. I love it. Went on the water a little bit. You went on the water?

Yeah. Oh shit. On the water or under the water? You seem like you sink on a boat. I can swim. Really? Yeah. Man, what I would give to bring.

Can we bring in a kitty size swimming pool right now? I want to really see if you can swim. Yeah, I can swim. Did you go swimming in Atlanta? A little bit. Yeah, but mainly just rowed the boat when fishing. You know what I'm saying? I did some country boy shit.

Hell yeah. Country boy shit. Absolutely. Like what's country boy shit? Give us more. Did you churn butter? Fishing. Fishing.

What did you catch? I caught a shell cracker. What? Herpes. What kind of crabs? I caught a shell cracker, which is a type of fish. Oh, a shell cracker. That's racist.

Yeah. Fishermen know what that is. It's called a white fish. Some white perch. Thank you. There's some fishermen in the room that really liked that joke. Thank you, sir. I yelled at that guy earlier.

They're cool now. They're your chums. I love it. So you're out there fishing. You seem like the kind of guy that would, I forget it. Why are you dressed like that? Why am I dressed like this?

I'm wearing a blue collared shirt. Yeah. You dress like you're about to testify against some dick. That's the dick right there. Son of a bitch. Yeah. You look like a public defender for a penis. Wow.

You son of a bitch. Relax. A lot of fucking court jokes coming from the King of the Food Court over here. Oh, wow. Whoa. A lighting change. I love that.

You just got that. The fucking you got lighting change on that shit. I just I just slammed your ass. We haven't even seen that before here in Austin. I love it. I love that you're dressed like a old school TV when it goes out of it. It goes off the air.

I love it. David with incredibly short legs. I mean it is incredible. I've never seen someone with a big giant upper body. You dress like you did jury duty when that nigga shot up that gay club in Orlando. You look like you need to do a duty duty. You look filled up to the brim.

He was playing dress up with your boyfriend. My lawyer is going to come check on me today. Inmate. What are all these court jokes happening? Because you got that fucking I just got out of college lawyer shirt. Oh my god. It's just a.

All right, red band. You did not need to make that noise. All right, bro. You look like Jerry Springer's lawyer. OK, relax. Son of a bitch. People's court. Tony is suing his ex roommate over $1,200 worth of dildos.

Oh, there it is. There's the dildo drop. He's the only guy that drops a dildo on stage. See a lot of my personal friends out there really enjoying that show. Jesus, David, I love. I love what you're doing with your hair. Matching your body and letting it just go.

Tony got his hair inspiration from Pee Wee Hermit. I love it. I love it. I love it. You got dreads, which is exactly how waiters feel when you walk into the restaurant. No fancy lights on that one. Wow.

I'm surprised if you're going to do it. You're going to do it. Let's fucking do it. Tony, Tony, you got a cowlick, which is exactly what your boyfriend doing in the bedroom. Oh, I don't know about that. I don't know. You're lucky you made that gig, because I was going to turn

that cowlick joke right on you in a second. Everyone knows that shit. You bailed out of that real quick. Got that right. I love it. Somebody on stage earlier, a young gentleman also of African-American descent, says that he, he yells Kobe when he comes.

Is there anything that you yell when you come? It appears to be a thing that the young African-Americans might do. Normally when I come, I yell my bad. My man. It's my mother fucking man. Because I don't, I don't pull out. Oh, really?

Oh, but you want to have a lot of kids though. You've said this before. I would like five or six. The only thing that he pulls out of is the Canes drive through once a day. A better one would have been like the only thing you pull out of is an oven. Okay.

I don't think you cook your own food. I think you, I think you go through drive throughs. I cook sometimes shit. You ever take a, you seem like the kind of guy that would take a bird scooter through a drive through. Tony can pull a cooking sheet out with his ass cheeks. How did you know that? How did you know?

I actually, I do. I put two oven mitts on my ass cheeks and I pull baking sheets out and then dildos fall out of my ass. Is that what you want? Yeah. He can roll, he can roll pizza dough with one booty cheek. I roll pizza dough with my booty cheeks. With just one dough, with just one.

This show is out of control. This show is off. Danny Brown fuck with it. How about a hand for the great Danny Brown joining us here. I know you must have been thinking, why did they kick that insane person out of the front earlier? And there you go.

Danny Brown's here all the time. My favorite song by you, bro, is I Will. I put that on every time I put a bitch in the car. There you go. Absolutely. If y'all don't know I Will, y'all need to go listen to that by Danny Brown. Okay.

He talk about how he'll eat pussy even if it's stank. All you gotta do is put the bitch in the shower. I love it. And you're a big fan of people eating things no matter what they are. All right, David, so much fun. You're an absolute killer. I love everything that you do.

Quick on your feet for a guy that's morbidly obese. Always, always right off the top of your head. We in Florida at the same time, my manager just told me. Okay. In Tampa? Yeah. All right. Great.

You want to feature for those shows? I'll pull up. All right. Sweet. There you go. Maybe a guest spot. Maybe your feature and we'll figure it out. All right, man.

Appreciate y'all. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for David Lucas. Everybody come on. Wow. This energy in here. You're going to have the most urban show in Florida ever. I'm standing room only. I'm telling you, I like it.

You guys having fun tonight? Yeah. Incredible. Step back from that ledge because you are my friend. How about a hand for Kaylee? Look at that. She's got a real butt. What does she have?

Mace? Is that Mace in your back pocket? All right, John Waters. Wow. It's the famous John Waters. I hope so. Oh, here he comes. He's a real guy.

Oh, nope. That's not him. Here he is. John Waters coming from the back of the room. Hey, hey, hey. Here he is. One more time for John Waters. All right.

Well, everyone, it's official. I'm quitting sex. I'm done. Can't deal with it. Can't deal with those awkward moments. You know, when you even get that fucking hair in your mouth, and you're just like, what do you do to deal with that? I tried.

I tried to be sexy. I'm like, ooh, what's this? Oh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, I think you lost something. Keep it on your body and not in my mouth. I think the worst thing during sex is, have you ever had to repeat yourself when you're saying something dirty?

Like, it's like, you know, you're a little something dirty. You're just like, you like that? And they're like, what? And you're like, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. All right. Just an instant. Do you like that?

And they're like, what? And you're like, never mind. It's over. I'm done. There it is. Jessica, what do you think about this guy? Listen, when a woman goes, what? After you try to talk dirty, that's her giving you

an opportunity to realize that's something you should never fucking say. There you go. Not like you like that? Horse of truth activated. That horse always chimes in when pure honesty has been set on the field. But I do love that idea of a bit, though.

That's funny because we've all been there where you're like, yeah, daddy. And you're like, what do you say? I want to know what you say in the bedroom. And hey, fuck me, daddy. You say, fuck me, daddy. And she goes, what? And you're like, do you like that?

Do you like that? Yeah. They don't like it. I love that. John Waters, you look like you were created in a video game. You don't appear to be like a real human being. You look like you were molded by a man who worked on this wax puppet or something.

Is that bad? I don't know if it's bad or not. I can't really tell. You kind of look like a ventriloquist doll. Thank you. I've been told that. Well, congratulations. You're the one millionth person to say that on the show.

Goosebumps. And the same amount of laughter every time. You would think that people would use something else. Did you like that? What? Is that your dirty talk? You see what I did there? Hey, he commits.

John, how long have you been doing stand up? About three months. Three months. I love it. Yes. No, so I'm from Maryland. Okay. So I actually moved to Austin like three years ago,

and then I started doing stand up three months before the pandemic. And then I, you know, like this. It's just real. Commit to your answers. Don't try to read my face. I actually moved back home. Tony, am I doing all right?

You're still on the show, dude. Ask me afterwards if you did. Okay. All right. I'll say no. I'm kidding. I'm joking, John. I'm kidding.

For three months, rock solid set for three months. For two years, it was dog shit. You know what I'm saying? But now I'm kidding. So John, what do you do for work? Rather not talk about my work. Why? I don't know.

I just don't know. I'm just talking about like sex and hair in my mouth. Instead of naming the exact corporation that you work for, can you give us a ballpark of what you do? Red band's guessing police officer. There's no way this guy's a cop. Now with that hair. Pharmaceutical companies.

All right. Drug pomper. Yeah. All right. Best in Pfizer. Are you one of the Johnson brothers? Johnson and Johnson. Johnson and Johnson.

Nope. Johnston Waters. Yeah. John Waters. Good cover, Johnson Johnson. I love it. So you work in pharmaceuticals. What's your love life like?

You moved to Maryland with a little fucking, a little princess? No. No. Actually, I have a girlfriend. She, it's a long distance though. Oh, she's in Maryland. No, she's in Florida.

She's in vet school. Oh, she's in vet school? Yeah. To be a veterinarian? To be a veterinarian. Okay. Okay. Look at her taking care of this little fucking redheaded beast.

Did you meet her like in real life and then you guys separated? Yeah. Where'd you meet her at? You're like, does she just live in Florida? Back in Baltimore. Damn. Where in Baltimore? What was happening when you met her?

So I was just out St. Patrick's Day and I met her through one of my friends. Were you out on St. Patrick's Day because you're a leprechaun? Yes, exactly. Yeah. It's my job. You're standing at the end of a rainbow? That's why I can't talk about what I do, Tony. Yeah.

I am a leprechaun. If I give away the secret, I have to go back to Imagination Land any minute now. I love it. So you're out on St. Patrick's Day. You're wearing the same thing you're wearing now, I'm guessing. Very St. Patrick's Day. I have to wear green.

I love it. Absolutely. And then you meet her. How do you guys meet? What do you say to her? I say, hey, I'm a leprechaun. Do you like leprechauns? No.

What do you really say, John? Stop trying to be funny. We know how that works. I don't like her. Well, she was actually in her veterinarian outfit. And I was like, oh, is that a, what are they called? Scrubs? Scrubs.

She's just in Scrubs, blackout drunk on the streets of Baltimore. And you're like, hey. She's like, all right, you'll do. Yeah. Hop in the car. Get in the passenger side. All right. So what happened?

I just said, I do like. John, what the fuck is going on right now? Do you see how obviously awkward I am with during sex? Like. Just relax. Answer the question. I say, hey, I like your scrubs. She said, I like your leprechaun red hair.

Okay. Shut up. Did you guys fuck that night? Did you fuck the first night? Yes. Did you? Are you, are you listening to the audience and answering? Or are you answering honestly?

Answer. I said, yes. John, are you fucking retarded dude? Just listen to me. Think about the question that I asked you and then answer it. Honestly, you don't have to lie. You don't have to keep referencing the leprechaun. You don't have to hear somebody say something and then repeat what they say.

There's no wrong answers here. The only wrong answer is it not being the honest answer. Did you guys have sex that first night that you met? Yes. Where? In my bedroom. In your bedroom. Yeah.

Like that? Well, maybe. I mean, she's still with me. Right. She's cheating. How soon after that? Okay. She's just getting railed.

Oh yeah, for sure. In Florida by that guy with the broken leg. Where's Coby? By Dubbs. By Dubbs general. She's taking Dubbs genitals. I love it. She's just crutching her.

So John, what else about you? Any fun facts about John Waters that we should know about before letting you go? There must be some crazy fun fact about your life. You have any special skills or talents? I know the Napoleon Dynamite dance. Okay. I don't know what that is. I've never, to be honest with you, I don't consume a lot of comedy.

I've never seen Napoleon Dynamite. Did you learn? Are you fucking serious? Dead serious. Did you learn that because people told you you look like Napoleon Dynamite? No, I did it in a Mr. Greek contest. I don't know what that is either. Oh, what frat are you in?

Fidel. All right, bro. Exactly. You like that? That sounds all right. That's literally me. All right. That's literally me.

Very interesting. I don't know. Do you guys know the Napoleon Dynamite thing? What song is it? You guys know what that is? We're trying to look it up real quick. We're trying to give you an opportunity to redeem yourself, John. Am I doing it?

Hold on a second. I think we got it. Here he is trying to entertain us. John Waters. This is going to be interesting. I don't know what's going to happen here. All right. The crowd goes wild.

Wow. Okay. The audience seems to love this. All right, this is literally the dumbest thing in the history of the show. Vote for Pedro. Wait, let me keep going. I'm glad you were all with us when we reached a new low. Oh, wow.

Still actually completely matched up. We're watching the dance on this screen. Yeah, it's pretty accurate. Oh, there he goes. Okay. Wow. Damn. All right.

By the way, how crazy is it that Tony's never seen Napoleon Dynamite? What the fuck? There's a lot of comedy. You'd be shocked to know the comedies that I haven't seen. I am a big believer in very few comedic things. South Park, I believe in. 100%. The old jackass movies.

I can rewatch those anytime. What about Nacho Libre? Nope. That was a horrible movie. No. Nothing with almost all of your favorite comedy stars. Almost every single one of them. Old Jim Carrey movies I like.

I highly recommend this movie, man. I think it's a classic movie. Napoleon Dynamite is one of my favorites. Too many hit people with glasses like this movie for me to like it. Oh, no. It's impossible for everyone. Maybe that's the best one. I feel terrible because I'm going to watch this and you could tell like pretty in the

middle I was improvising like most. I love that the worst part of this for you is like, I fucked up the Napoleon Dynamite dance. I think, I think whatever that dance was, I think we found your calling here on Piltoni. You're going to get discovered. There he goes. John Waters, everybody on to the next one we go. Thank you.

Oh, Eric. John. Take one of these. John. Here. There you go. There you go. John Waters, everybody.

You guys think we should get a lady out of this bucket? Huh? We haven't had a female here tonight. We're going to do a new tradition called pulling until we get a lady. Pull it out. Nico Jordan is a boy. I'm sure Charles Adams is a boy. Okay.

Here we go. It only took us three to get to it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name. Well, first let's all take a moment to give a hand to the great Kaylee. Kaylee.funk.73 on Instagram. Follow her on the Insta and then she'll drag you to the red rose. She'll get you there. Also the yellow rose.

The two best strip clubs in the country are both here in Austin. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mary Brown. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mary Bryant, everyone. Our first female comedian of the night, Mary Bryant. We had a wild time last week with the ladies. Here she comes. A nice steady pace. Yeah, Mary.

I like this. She seems confident. I like this. Rolling. How about one more hand for Mary Bryant, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, Austin. Let me just tell you. There are some beautiful people here in Austin.

Yes, I love it. I just moved here on Friday. I came here to get sober. It's funny because I actually, the worst drunk night I ever had was at my brother's wedding a month ago here in Austin. And ironically, I came to the town that I got the most fucked up to get sober. So I actually, so I also moved here because I've been a COVID refugee at my parents' house since March.

And it was time to go on top of that, my grandma moved in. Hate my grandma. She was really rough. She was terrible to me as a child. She gave me a lot of shit. She moved into my parents' house. She's incontinent and I just got sick of her shit. So I left.

My grandpa did die. My grandpa died. That's why she moved in and he needed blood before he died. That would have saved his life. And none of us could remember his blood type. And he was so inspirational. He kept saying, be positive, be positive. And I just thought that was so inspirational.

And I lived by that now. Wow, Mary Bryant with a great set. A great set. We had a rough time last week with, oh, you didn't, you didn't like it? Red Band just gave up. I thought it was just a story. I was at any, did I miss the jokes? You're not smart enough to get the jokes, you dipshit.

She covered four different subjects and ended on a smart joke. The incontinent joke loved it. I am going to be sad when you clearly dive in alcohol related incident in this city. This is not a place to get sober. You're going to be shitting your pants like grandma in no time. She's the reason I'm an alcoholic. It was her trauma that induced my alcoholism and comedy. What was her trauma?

Oh, she was a bitch. She used to lock me in a closet. Really? Yeah. She used to tell me, you're unlovable. You're not funny. You're going to be alone forever. I know what that's like to be trapped in a closet.

I came, I did get out of the closet. There was no change there, but I did prove that I was funny. So. Yes. I think. Yes. I may still be wrong on that one in the arms of an angel. That's my Tinder profile.

I love it. So are you really trying to get sober is what you said? Yeah. I've got five days, which is more than I've had in five years. Okay. That is the cardigan of someone who is holding on by a thread. Yeah. That is true.

That is true. It's nice. Nice. The grandpa left that for you. He died with 50 years sober. Oh my goodness. See what happens if you quit drinking. Yeah.

50 years. You become a success. I love it. So Mary, let's talk about it. Why are you finding sobriety? What's like a rough night with what's something horrible that you did while drunk? Tell us about your rock bottom. What did I not do?

Speaking of rock bottom. Do I get arrested? How's the guy in the tank top doing right now? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Let's talk about your drinking problem.

Well, I get arrested if I say anything on this podcast. Okay. So my worst night. Allegedly. Just don't give location specific. Okay. I'll be his. Don't name any names.

My worst drunk night. My worst mistake in my life is I smuggled illegal people. Like inside of you? Hold on. Hold on. Hold. This is one of those moments where we just let that statement just settle for a second. There's no reason to make a joke.

It was a wild night and cocaine was involved. Hold on a second. Let's just take our time. There it is. Thank you. Thank you for appreciating the moment. Sometimes you just got to let this show breathe for a second. It's not always about the next joke.

I had a time a basic white girl says that she got so drunk. She's smuggled people in to the United States of America. I still have Starbucks. I had Starbucks when they got me. I had a Java Chip Frappuccino. I swear to God. What? Yes.

I had a Java Chip Frappuccino in my cup holder when, yeah. When you smuggled people here. That's okay. So explain to us what happened. You got drunk and then what? Felt in love. With a Mexican man. Yes.

And you brought him back to the United States of America? No. He was connected. Connected with the cartels? I mean, I don't want to just, you know, totally. Oh, I see. This is how I get murdered. All right.

Let's just take a step back. We're not going to talk about the cartel boy that you smuggled into America. If I'm gone in a week, you all know why. Absolutely. Absolutely. And if your head is, if your head is sent to Antones, we're going to really, we're going to know why. We'll put it right here.

Yeah, absolutely. It'll be part of the, it'll be part of this set. We'll make, we'll make leather kiltoni books out of your skin. Perfect. It's going to be great. Going to be like silence of the hams. It rubs the lotion on its skin. Silence of the hams got nothing for the record.

Silence of the hams, leather book out of her skin. Think about it. Let it settle in. And okay. Okay. We're trying. So you just moved here. Would you say a month ago?

No, Friday. Oh, Friday. Oh my God. So what's the big plan? Where are you living? What part of town? I have no plan. So I, I actually called my old sponsor and was just like, I'm going to die.

And she's like, pack up, come to Austin. So I called our old sponsor the other day and I was like, zip recruiter, what's up? You're not an old sponsor. So you've tried this before. Yeah. I've been trying to get sober since 2009. I'm a real failure. Oh no, you're doing great.

You're doing great. I failed at drinking, failed at getting sober, failed at drinking again. That's good. That's good. You had a good set on stage one day at a time. Absolutely. Let's just live in the moment here. So what are you going to do?

What are you going to do here in Austin? I applied to a lot of like floral, florists to be a floral design. I got first in state back in the day and floral design. First in state and floral design. Wow. My goodness. So if you've got weddings coming up or floral. Yeah, I don't know.

It's impressive. Hell yeah. I raised pigs too because I was an FFA. Wow. You raised pigs? I sure did. Oh my goodness. I still deal with them every day.

Amen. I bet. 100%. So are you looking into the pig raising industry as well? No. I mean, I'm not going to be like, oh, I'm going to take comedy series. But yeah, I'm trying to take comedy series. That's good.

Oh my goodness. Try to finish through with something. But I'm raising too. His name's David Lucas. I don't know where he went. It's horrible. Aw. You didn't think it was over, did you?

So good. Look at this fucking guy going to Cancun real quick. He's a fucking sloppy animal. Lead pigs alone. I love it. He's like, I will not listen to these pig jokes. All right. So Mary, you just moved into town.

What are you excited about, about Austin, Texas? It's just so weird. Oh, God, stop. I actually, I actually, I got a business opportunity. A homeless man said, he said, I'll wash your car. And then every car that you bring to get washed, I'll give you $20. Why did you talk to him that long? I was trapped.

You know, I come from a place. There's not a lot of home. I'm like in a suburb of Houston is where I'm from. What suburb? The Woodlands. Ooh, the Woodlands. Wow. That's crazy.

Someone was just telling me. I got my Lululemon on right now. Oh, a lot of booze for the, what are they, racist out there? Why are you booing the Woodlands? It's not Houston. It's not Houston. It's like Houston. They hate black mold.

All right. Fuck yeah. What's your love life like, Mary? Have you been with a boy since being here in Austin? No. And I didn't get on dating apps intentionally. I'm not doing dating apps. My love life is a disaster.

It is? For sure. The guy that you smuggled in from Mexico is playing the drums right now. You would think that, you would think you'd be pretty happy with your words. No, it's, I do it wrong. Like I have sex to fall in love and get married, not to have a good time. So it just never ends up good. You know, maybe you just got to tighten your pussy.

You'll find it. You just need to find the kind of guy that'll fuck you. And on the first night be like, I love you. I love you. I've done that before. I've done it before. You'd be shocked to know how close one could be. They're out there.

They are out there. Well, Mary, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you. So much fun. A great chat. I loved it. The sober for moved Austin to be sober. Hey, Mary, take one of these.

It's a brand new handmade leather joke book from Bones Eye, B-O-N-E-Z-Y-E on Instagram. The work of Adrian Cavazos, the newest member of the Kiltoni regime. The work your steps out in that notebook. The newest member of the family. I mean, normally we would bring our last regular up here and then end this puppy. But I love the energy in this room tonight. You guys think we should do one more? All right, let's do one more.

Danny Brown got here late. I want him to see a bunch of show. How about one more time from literally one of my favorite musicians in the world? Danny Brown is here, everybody. Doesn't get much cooler than that. All right, your final comedian of the night here in Austin, Texas, goes by the name of Dave Eubanks. Dave Eubanks ending out the show tonight.

How about one more hand for the band, huh? Killing it tonight. Wow. Here he is, Dave Eubanks, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you guys for coming out. I have two dads. I have gay dads.

When you grow up in that kind of household, you get a lot of questions, especially from kids in high school, middle school. Dave, is it weird if you hear your parents having sex? Is that weird or awkward? Of course it is. Like, who, what fucking kid is out there with their head up against the wall? Listen to mom and dad go at it and it's like, oh, yeah, dad, give it to her. Come on, mom, you can take more.

Wait a minute. Dad's not supposed to be home for another hour and a half. And the FedEx guy sure has been here a while. Look, hearing you two dads fuck isn't that big of a deal. It sounds like two bears fighting over a fish, all right? There's a lot of moaning, a lot of groaning, salmon for some reason. And they never say anything out of the ordinary. It's all the normal stuff people say when they're making love.

Harder, deeper, Carl, glad you could make it. Come on in here, pick a hole, start pumping. Merry Christmas. All right, thank you guys very much. Dave, you banks. I love it. Perhaps one of the whitest human beings in the history of the show. Thank you.

Just coming up guns ablaze and super white guy energies. I mean, you are you are as white as dubs general was black. I mean, this is just incredible. Thank you. You are whiter than everything. You are whiter than the White House. Welcome to the show. Appreciate it.

What's the most like non white thing about you if you had to guess? Because I have this theory that you're the whitest guy ever just off of 60 seconds. Oh shit, man. I can play bass. That's about it. Really? You can play the bass guitar? Yeah.

Really? Is that true? Yeah. Jesus. It's a shame. It's a D madness doesn't share. Wait a second. Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen, D madness sharing his bass guitar. This is rare in the musical world, especially amongst. Red band. Now that's the joke of the night right there. Wow. Well, that was it. The irony is that he plays like he's blind and D madness doesn't.

D madness crushes. Yes. I love it. Okay Dave. So you say you can play the bass guitar. Wow. Yes. Everybody here can play the bass guitar.

If that's so playing the bass guitar. All right. What is your name? Mud. No, no, no. Mud. Mud. Perhaps mud water.

Stop it. Check out mud water. If you like coffee. Yeah. If you like coffee gives you everything without the jitters. Anyway, Dave. To be fair, bass is the newest instrument. I actually mostly play guitar and drums.

Wait a second. Wait a second. I know. I know. I'm not. Does anybody believe this man? I swear to God. I swear to God.

Should we have a goddamn Mexican drum off right now? I'm not Mexican. I don't know. Let me wait a second. Let me explain. I don't know if we should because we've never done it in Austin. We've never done it without Joel Berg. You guys think we should do it here tonight right now?

All right. Well, then I guess we will going first. Ladies and gentlemen, a guy who at one point in his career said he could play the bass. Now he is backtracked and said that he just learned the bass and instead knows the drums. You're going to do a drum. Hey, Dave. Listen to me, you son of a bitch. You're going to play the drums.

You're going to play a solo. Listen to me. Okay. You're going to do like whatever. You know, feel it out. Do 30 to 40 seconds. Okay. And then Michael Gonzalez is going to do a drum solo.

Show us how he would do it. Now here's the thing with Mexican drum offs and the history of Kill Tony. Some of you may be new here. Maybe your boyfriend brought you and you don't know where you're at right now. But by rule on this show, if for some fucking unbelievable reason Dave Eubanks plays a better solo and you decide at the end, if he has a better solo than our resident drummer, Michael Gonzalez, the crazy twist here is that Dave Eubanks will become the new drummer on the show of kill Tony.

Anything can happen. This is kill Tony. Anything can happen. You have to believe in fucking miracles right now. So you guys will decide after it's all said and done, Dave's going to go first. Then Michael Gonzalez. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo from bass players slash drum player Dave Eubanks. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is Dave Eubanks.

Okay, there's Dave Eubanks. I sounded like you in the beginning of before anyone gets here. I mean, I can literally beat him in this Mexican drum off. I was thinking the same thing. I'm like, I'm wondering if I should just beat him right now in a Mexican drum off. No, no, you stop it. No, no. Okay.

Okay. Okay. So stupid. Wait, wait, wait. How many of you have Dave Eubanks winning this Mexican drum off? How many of you have me winning the Mexican drum off? All right. But in all seriousness to show us how it's done, how about Michael Gonzalez jumps back

there real quick. I'm just goofing around. It turns out, by the way, it could also be Dave Eubanks in a bass player off as well. And a pretty much anything off, it turns out. Ladies and gentlemen, here to really show us how it's done. I'm going to be honest. I got a little nervous back there playing on the shows a little bit different than playing before, before people are let in.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reigning defending Mexican drummer. It is Michael Gonzalez. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reigning defending Mexican drummer. I'm going to be honest. I don't know what is going on over there, but I'm going to be honest. Music Wow! How about that? Wow!

Wow! Alright, there you go. Alright, there he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, there goes Dave Eubanks, everybody. There you go. We're going to keep him moving here. He's on Instagram at Dave underscore Eubanks. Dave, go that way.

Keep going that way. Keep going that way. Oh, no. It's okay. Very, very easy toss. Oh, wow. That's a buck eye right there. I could throw things all day.

Who else wants one, huh? No, I need a better challenge than that. Give it to the music catcher. Oh, okay. There you go. Wow, look. He can catch and he can pitch. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night on this, a beautiful episode of

Kill Tony Live from Austin, Texas. This regular absolutely knows how to put a ribbon on a beautiful fucking episode. Originally from Brooklyn, New York, lived in Chicago, became the king of second city in Chicago for over two decades, got diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease, chased his bucket list stream of being a stand-up comedian. I present to you the one, the only, the great, the powerful, make some fucking noise for Michael Laird! It's gotta be clean for you.

Come on, guys. One more time for the great Michael Laird! Being disabled, ice scrapping, and craft so much, doing fabrics is my sad bitch. We fuck on all the yarn. I made a string of anal beads that spelled out her name. She made me a Christmas wreath I wear as a cock ring. We get abortions just because Hobbit Lobby is the competition.

She thinks I'm such a good lover. She will have me in my own craft store. It's called Michael's The Place for Crafts. We have orgies in the scrapbook section, and then we scrapbook our favorite memories from that orgy. Unbelievable. The consistency of this man is absolutely unbelievable. Michael fucking Laird.

Every single episode, closing it out strong. Hey, I had another minute that was a little edgier, can I? You guys want to hear another minute from Michael Laird? This fucking guy! The first regular to move here. David Lucas only comes every two, three. These are like 70% of the time. Williams here about 20% of the time.

Michael Laird was one of the first comedians from Los Angeles to move to Austin, Texas. Does a new minute every single week. There was a ghost here at something to say. Anyway, as I was saying, and writes and performs a brand new minute of completely insanely original material every single week, and he's been going long,

and now we're finding out that he has another new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, this is another new minute from Michael motherfucking Laird. Yeah! Yeah, how are you, Texas? I'm a brand new resident of Texas, where AIDS was invented. If you're not familiar with the story,

there's a movie called Dallas Spires Club. All right, and the lead character, his name is Dallas, and he likes to party and got high so much, he likes one of his buddies pump his asshole full of AIDS. Now, I like to get wet. I like to get crunch. I like to kiss the sky, but I've never gotten in so high

when I let one of my buddies pump my asshole full of AIDS. And I don't know, I'm just a Jew from New York. It must be the cowboy way. Wow, Jesus Christ. I mean, what the fuck? It's getting a standing ovation from the sitting part of the audience. He lives for this, ladies and gentlemen. He won't be stopped is what he's screaming incoherently.

Not into the microphone at all. He's done enough into the microphone tonight. This guy comes with a second minute, better than his first minute, which was the best minute of the episode. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. Why doesn't everyone perform like they have months to years to live?

I mean, this is the real fucking deal, everybody. Look at that mustache he's growing. Fucking thick and girthy. This guy's about to be our new barbecue guy if he keeps this up. By the way, just a little fun fact for anybody who hasn't been paying attention. Dave Eubanks got beaten so badly in the bass and drums

that we actually decided to replace the white keyboard player with John Dees, everybody. We got beaten so badly. The resident keyboard player, John Dees, is back. Dees on keys. Welcome back to the show, my friend. Michael, you are unfucking believably talented. I say it every week, but I mean, this is why.

Dang it. Man, it's cool to get to start over because those first few words, I don't know how they're going to sound when they come out of my mouth. Like, right now I'm clear, so when I begin so disheartening when I can't speak clear,

so, you know, I'm just fucked. But, you know, to get a warm-up and now to be able to speak and do that second minute. Yeah, I know how you feel. I'm telling you, I play drums so much better before the audience comes in. I mean, I know exactly how you feel. Well, a few weeks ago, Michael,

right before you got COVID, you had that one episode where you could barely speak, and then it was very discerning to all of us. Concerning. Concerning is the word that Redman is looking for. Redman can't speak. Yeah, Michael speaks better than Redman. Hey, you know.

Truthfully, the word is cocaine, because that's the word that happened that night. What I love about that is that we do indeed pre-tape the show for those people that watch it on YouTube. And, you know, a wild thing about that episode, Michael was on a cocaine bender. He was on a big alcohol bender.

No regrets. Yeah, absolutely. People in Austin agree with you. All these filthy co-kids over here absolutely agree with you. No regrets. But one of the fun facts that I'm getting to is that, you know, when that episode came out

of Michael's... Michael had a really rough night one night. I mean, absolute rock bottom tank top. And... And... But we had already taped episode 500. And Michael had COVID that week of his. Not only was he at the end of a cocaine bender,

at the end of an alcohol bender, but he also got the coronavirus. Two hospital visits in one day later. I mean, he got the fucking Donald Trump drip and everything to repair himself. And, you know, so we knew that he was better. We came back for 500 and made his killer return to standing ovations and with his son

who got the murder on stage. And it's just wild. You want to talk about a fucking comeback for someone. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it until this run of Michael Lair as of late. And... It just reminds me of how talented I am for bringing someone like this on the show

and making them such a permanent part. You see thousands of people. How do you pick? How do you know? Hey, William seems funny. David seems funny, but how do you make the decisions? I do that with my brain. And it's just incredible how right you make me feel, Michael. Thank you. I mean, you know, I talk about it a lot,

but, you know, I got banking in the company after three years off, and I was in an open mic again. And then I got hooked up to this rocket shipment. That's why I work so hard. You hooked yourself up to it, dude. I'm always looking for someone that is so intriguing and compelling that I want to talk to them once a week and listen to a minute of theirs once a week.

And so it's not something that you got hooked up with. You hooked yourself up to it. You had the utensils to do that, and you did it, and it makes me so fucking happy. I'm such a big fan. Thank you so much. Another new minute for Michael Lair. In fact, two of them. Yes! This was an action-packed show.

Let's check in the entire time that we were all here enjoying ourselves. Ryan J. Ebel was drawing this episode, and this is that drawing. Look at that, Jessica. Look at you. Little spunkmeister there floating around. Oh, wow. Little homage to the leprechaun from earlier.

Me holding strong under a lamppost with a spear. Ryanjebel.com for all of those prints. Let's check in with our art from the local artist Chris Rogers, Austin Zone at Chris Rogers Art. Ryanjebel does a lot of fun things up for sale. Look at this. Mortal Kombat. Let me see that.

Get over here. Holy fuck, yeah. There you go. Absolutely. Little Sub-Zero or Scorpion or something like that. I love it. I love it. Michael Lair is Michael Lair comedy. MichaelLairComedy.com for everything. Michael Lair, tons of merch, tons of fun stuff.

How about a big hand for the band, John Dees? Dees on Keys, Matt Mueling is at Mutation, M-U-E-H-T-A-T-I-O-N. The great, come on, guys. Make some noise for D-Madness, everybody. D-Madness is on social media at Lorenzo, Dwayne Jackson, all one word. Be sure to tweet and Instagram at him. He reads everything.

And how about a big hand for the first time in the show's history? The first Mexican drum off without Joel Jimenez was won, without a doubt, by Michael Gonzalez. He's on social media at MikeAgon's G-O-N-Z-1-3, MikeAgon's 13. And Jessica Michelle Singleton was our guest, everybody. JMSComedy.com, she's going on tour. She has a great podcast called Two Filthy Nerds.

And be sure, whatever you do, go on iTunes right after this and download Now I Need a Whiskey. That's her debut country song. As you found out, comedians can shockingly play musical instruments very well. Now I Need a Whiskey from Jessica Michelle. Did you have fun tonight? I had so much fun. Thank you for having me. How do you like Austin, Texas? You've been here all week.

She loves it. Look out. You guys are awesome. Could be another high-level recruit. Show's all week. Red Band's doing his Thursday secret show at Balkan. I got Friday and Saturday doing Tony Hinchcliff and his current friends. Those are always action-packed. And yeah, a lot of other fun stuff.

We have a full schedule this week of comedy. Definitely. By the way, George Perez is going to be at the show Thursday. If you guys are fans of him and his podcast and Joe Ideas and shit, like you'll love George, that's Thursday at Balkan. Austin, I mean truly every single week feels more at home. How about a hand for the staff here at Antones getting us all through it. And this is it. We are at, this is a brand new capacity.

This is a whole new level coming off this fucking pandemic. And we thank you guys for being at this special standing room only episode of Kill Tony. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night.