KILL TONY - #508 - RON WHITE + RUSSELL PETERS

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

Ron White, Russell Peters, Zac Bogus, Michael Lehrer, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/03/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—Credit Karma’s game-changing technology shows you tailored offers for credit cards andpersonal loans that you’re more likely to be approved for, so you can apply with moreconfidence. Apply with confidence today. Go to CREDITKARMA.COM/TONY or the Credit Karma app.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. But we're always on the road, and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does, and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Come on, Austin, Texas. We're here to make some fucking noise. Yes. Yes.

Brian, red bands here. What's up, everybody? We are at a new, even higher capacity than last week. How do you guys feel? Are you guys happy to be here? Wow. Absolutely. That's awesome. How exciting is this?

Very, very fun. Thank you, lady. Yes, I love my shirt, too. It's the most Texas shit. I didn't even buy this. I just woke up this morning, and it was on me. Texas is fucking crazy, man. I woke up on a little haystack with a piece of straw in my mouth.

My butt hurt. I don't know what happened. Excited to be here. Fun stuff happening. How about a hand for the band, everybody? That's the Fix Vodka Kill Tony Band. Brought to you by Fix Vodka, the first ever alkaline vodka. Less hangover, more fucking jammin'.

They support local artists. How awesome is that? That's John Dees on the keyboard. The great Matt Mueling on guitar. Deep madness on the bass. And of course, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Very, very exciting stuff. We're all stuffed up with great food.

We had an amazing, amazing weekend. We went and visited CM's Smokehouse, tried their brand new Jalapeno taco. Our friend Yoni over at Best Barbecue Show took us over there, and you can follow them at Instagram at cm-score-smokehouse. And also, check them out. They're at Bolden Acres.

Absolutely incredible. They have unbelievable barbecue. Such good food. And we have another cake made for us by the great people over at Shae-Z. God, it's so awesome. How many of you have tried Shae-Z before, huh? So good.

All right. Not a big crossover with our fan bases. All right. I thought I was going to get a big pop there, but... Oh, fun stuff. Very exciting stuff. We have Ryan Jay about the house artist. Always drawing every single episode of Kill Tony

out in Los Angeles. Drawing this episode right now. And also, right behind us, we have a local artist, Chris Rogers, everybody. He has a blank slate in front of him. He's drawing something tonight as well. So much fun stuff happening. Such an exciting episode ahead of us.

But before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. You ever have to look for a job? If you have, then you know exactly how hard it can be. It can be super, absolutely super stressful. You have to look at all those applications.

It takes a bunch of time to fill them out. I know I recently had to apply for a bunch of different jobs, and it was a nightmare. You lose your appetite. Your eyes burn from staring at job listings. It takes the patience of a saint to fill out every application. Zip recruiter knows that the general experience of looking for a job is pretty sucky.

That's why they figured out a way to make it unsucky. When you sign up on ZipRecruiter.com, you create a free profile. Then you get matched to great jobs, plus a lot more. Zip Recruiter will proactively pitch your profile to employers who jobs match your experience. Unlike with other job sites, if an actual person from the company really likes what they see,

they can personally invite you to apply to their job. Candidates who are invited to apply on Zip Recruiter are nearly three times as likely to get hired. Plus, if you like the job, you can apply to it, and many others with just one click. It's that easy. No wonder Zip Recruiter is the number one job rated site in the U.S. You know what that means.

So sign up for free on ZipRecruiter.com today and experience the better way to find a job. Once again, go to ZipRecruiter.com right now to sign up absolutely free and put Zip Recruiter to work for you. Look, ladies and gentlemen, the beginning of any journey can feel daunting. We all know this.

You're not sure you're heading in the right direction, and maybe you don't know exactly what to prepare for. With Credit Karma, you can be more informed about what's ahead. Look, everybody, everyone knows that on Kill Tony, you get a reality check sometimes. You need to see really where you stand with your comedy. That's exactly what Credit Karma does for your money. It shows you exactly what the creditors and where your debt

and where everything, what they can see. You need to know where you stand, and you can do that with Credit Karma. Credit Karma's game-changing technology shows you tailored offers for credit cards and personal loans that you're more likely to be approved for so you can apply with more confidence. They use your credit and other financial information

to show you custom recommendations. Whether you want cash back travel rewards, Credit Karma can help you find the offers that fit your goals. They can even help you consolidate your debt. They sure can, because they have a selection of options and approved odds you have the power to make informed decisions. Credit Karma, apply with confidence. No doubt. Go to creditkarma.com slash Tony

to learn more and find offers tailored just for you. That's creditkarma.com slash Tony, or you can see your offers on the Credit Karma app. Apply with confidence today. Go to creditkarma.com slash Tony or the Credit Karma app. Be smart with your money, people. It's 2021. Go to creditkarma.com slash Tony and get your life together. Look, y'all, you know, in this podcast game,

there are simply some sponsors that are more loyal than others, and I'm telling you right now, one of our favorites and one of our biggest, as you probably remember, Episode 500, Episode 5 year anniversary, so many big episodes, including this one, have been sponsored by the Ridge Wallet, a wallet that we absolutely love. We think it's super cool. We all use it ourselves,

and everything here is brought to you by Ridge Wallet. It's a light, sleek and industrial wallet. It doesn't fold awkwardly or bulge in your back pocket, and it seriously changed my entire life. Most people are still using wallets designed in the 90s. You know about this red band? Yeah, I was one of those people that had an old wallet that I got at Target. You know what I mean?

One that has 1,000 business cards, old library cards, and all that. Disgusting. And then I replaced it with a Ridge Wallet and made me clean out my wallet life, and now I have four cards. I have a little bit of cash, and it feels great in my front pocket. No longer it's in my back pocket,

where it gives me back aches when I'm driving. I just got my girlfriend a Ridge Wallet because she has so much shit in her purse. I was like, why do you have this big billfold? You could have this little Ridge Wallet. So now she has one, too. Unbelievable. It is the greatest thing, and most importantly, they are just awesome.

Awesome people run the company. They're really great people. They have over 40,000 five-star reviews, and it will last you a lifetime. And the Ridge team is so confident that you'll like it that they'll let you test drive it for 45 days. You can send it back for a full refund if you don't love it. The point is, people, there's no doubt about what you should do,

and that is get 10% off today with free worldwide shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash killtony. That's ridge.com slash killtony and use the code killtony at checkout. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? All right. Well, I have very exciting news for you.

Usually we have one amazing guest tonight, but tonight, you spoiled fucks shall get two amazing guests. They are two of the biggest comedians in the entire fucking world. Ladies and gentlemen, former killtony guests are back. Two of my favorites of all time. Two of the greatest to ever do stand-up comedy. Make some noise for Ron White and Russell Peters.

Come on. Make some fucking noise, Austin, Texas. Whoo! Here we go. This shit is about to go motherfucking down. Austin, Texas' own Ron White is here. And the great and powerful Russell Peters. I got nothing.

Ron White and Russell Peters joining us. I'm trying to fist bump the blind-based player. I forgot, you know. That's one of my favorite parts, is watching people realize D-Madness is blind. Well, you guys have both been guests on the show before. You know what it is. It's chaos. We're going to have fun audience.

I'm sure you know how it works, too. But just in case it's somebody's first time, a bunch of people signed up before the show. People that know the show. Maybe some hopeful young comedians. Maybe it's somebody's first-ever time. Maybe they're a local legend that's been doing it for decades and is here to help build their fan base

and become a star. Success here on Killtony. When they come out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Wrap it up then. Or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. All the way from West Hollywood. We flew him out as a part of the show.

You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? This is it. Anything can happen. Literally over 100 people signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. They're out on the sidewalk. Some of them are mingled in here, mixed in. Maybe you signed up tonight. So let's see.

Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Abe Rabinowitz. Seems like a good name for comedy. Abe Rabinowitz. Yeah, good lawyer, right? I'm going to get Abe Rabinowitz on you. We're going to sue you for everything. God, I love this band.

Oh, we got to get Russell Peters to move out here. You got to move out here, Russell. When are you going to move to Austin? Once I sort out my baby mama drama. Such an honest answer. I love it. You need to hire Abe. Yeah, Abe Rabinowitz will get you custody and vast sums of money.

Rabinowitz and Rabinowitz. Where the fuck is Abe Rabinowitz? We got him coming. Anybody see anything? We're Rabinolus. Big X coming from the back of the room. Wow. Wow. Abe Rabinowitz.

Okay. On to the next one. What a great way to start the show. Thank you, Abe Rabinowitz, for signing up and not being present. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jacob Shiniz. Jacob Shiniz. That sounds like a guy that is going to be here. He would not miss a spot.

Jacob Shiniz. Oh, my goodness. There's a lot of electrical energy in the room right now. Nothing better than the first person not being here. You really can't beat it. That's why we always need to have like a William Montgomery at the beginning or something. Well, William's not here. Thanks for the advice, Red Band.

I love that. Jacob Shiniz isn't here? Wow. First of all, there's two Jewish people missing in Austin. That is true. My guess is that the Germans are present. All right. We know this guy's here.

He's been on before. Asians never miss an opportunity to shine. Ladies and gentlemen, Hans Kim. We'll start tonight's show. Hans Kim, a local legend. He's been on the show before. Here he comes. Look at this guy.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for your first comedian, Hans Kim. Good to be here. My name is Hans, and I know what to look like, but I'm not that into anime, which is unfortunate because the only women who are sexually attracted to me, they're pretty into anime. It's like their whole thing. I forgot I have a resting anime face.

I'm on days like, oh, very interesting. I'm not a racist, but I did see an Arabic dude reading a book in Arabic on an airplane, which kind of freaked me out, but then I saw him fold the corner of the page and put the book away, and I was like, oh, thank God he's got future plans. I think trans people should be allowed to use whatever bathroom they want to use, but I don't think suicidal people should because they make a mess. Oh, my God. They don't always clean up after themselves, these suicide Americans.

All right, thank you very much. Hans Kim in and out. Big applause break. Welcome back to the show, Hans Kim. Thank you so much for having me. You do this so good, and to think that you can do this so well with your eyes closed, it is absolutely incredible. A lot of people try to soak in the energies around them and everything, but...

I feel like the bass player feels like they're making fun of them. I love it. Look at those things. Hey, there they are. Hey, I'm a white guy, everybody. Look at me with my white eyes. All right. Welcome to the show, Hans.

Thank you so much for having me. Another great set. Resting anime face. I could see that. Do you ever watch anime porn? No, I do not, no. What kind of porn do you watch? Last time I said I was into tickling, which I'm really into tickling.

Oh, I asked you this before, huh? I'm very interested in what you're jerking off to, it seems. Right hand or left hand? Can we get a little... No, I'm kidding. Tickling, is that an Asian one? No, it's any race. Tickling is a city in China that I really love.

I love this chick named tickling. I love it. So Hans, what kind of Asian are you again? I'm South Korean. Oh, South Korean, the best of the Koreans. There you go. There's some drums from Red Band because he thinks that's South Korean. Super racist Red Band.

I love it. Hans, so what has changed since the last time that you've been on the show? What's going on with yourself? I started an open mic in a park at Zilcher Park. I do it out of my van that I live in. Oh, you live in a van? Yeah. Okay.

He lives in a pimp van, not just a van. He has a really nice van. He put solar panels on your van today. Yeah, recently. Yoni helped me out from Best Barbecue. Oh, okay. There's a shout out. There you go.

He just got his payment for helping you with solar panels. He just used us as a vessel to, hey, I plugged you up there. I love it. So what else is going on in this van? Have you gotten lucky in it yet? Not in Austin, no. Where did you get lucky in the van? In New York City and in the desert next to Joshua Tree.

I had intercourse with a lady. You went with a lady? I had intercourse with her. Oh my goodness. That sounds so missionary and slow and safe. Do you use a condom? Oh, yes. I don't know how Asians do it.

Do you guys put a little mask over your penis before you put it in? It's... Okie dokie. Do you use protection when you have sex with women? I try not to, but... Wow. Lord knows that if there's a raw dog around to South Korean, I'm gonna eat it.

You know what I mean? Come on. Just get warmed up here. You know what I'm saying? We're just getting a kick start. Oh, oh, Hans Kim is rubbing his belly right now for those of you listening. He's starving at the sound of that endangered puppy.

I love it. Hans, what's the craziest thing you've ever eaten? I guess I ate octopus and squid, which is pretty normal in South Korea. Wow. They weren't alive though. It was just the tentacles were kind of, yes. When I asked you the weirdest thing you've ever ate,

I thought puss might be part of it. I didn't realize octo would be before that. Do you have any tricks when you're with a woman? Is there any special things that you do with your mouth or your penis or anything like that? Do you have any special Hans Kim trick you could show us? So there's a lady. I like to...

She's big. She's big. I love it when I can actually get people to answer this question. Very rare, but when it happens, it's beautiful. Go ahead, Hans. I mean, in a missionary, I like to cradle their head and just hold them really close and just... Oh, shit.

Get them as... I love it. What do you guys think of Hans Kim's performance? Ron White, this is the first time seeing Hans, right? What do you think of this guy? You know, I thought he had a couple of really strong jokes in 60 seconds, so I got to give him a nod on that. Thank you so much.

Yeah, really nice. Absolutely. I mean, I'm just coming onto these shrooms, so I really don't really pay attention, until it really gets kicking in, so you had to be the first guy, so... I love it, Hans. Do you have any other special skills or talents?

You seem like the guy that starts the races in all the Fast and Furious movies. I go to knock. I can jump over my leg. Oh, we got it. How many of you want to see this? Can we get a drum roll for this? Yeah!

Absolutely. Here we go. Hans Kim's about to jump over his own leg. Whoa! Incredible. You didn't land it, though. Do you want to try again and land it? Let's do this shit.

Hans Kim, live on Kill Tony. Yeah! That's a Kill Tony first right there. That's the first South Korean to ever jump over his own leg. In the history of the show, it's been eight years running. New milestones every day. Hans, we have...

You had a great set, and we have brand new hand-made leather Kill Tony joke books that are completely empty, and you get to write whatever you want in this thing made by an incredible local artist named Adrian Cavazos. He's on social media at Bones Eye with a Z in the middle. Bones Eye, all one word. And here he goes.

The brand new awesome Kill Tony book. That's Hans Kim, everybody. There he goes. The stylings of Hans Kim. How about one more time for Hans, everybody? There he goes, yeah. And now they give us a brand new microphone and keep everything clean for us.

Here is the great Kaylee from the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, everybody. She's here, live in the flesh. She's got a giant bucket. Maybe... She's hooking it up here tonight. How many of you love strip clubs out there? There's some guys here that seem...

Well, the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose are the two best strip clubs, not only in Austin, but in the world. These are world-famous strip clubs with a world-famous cheeseburger. If you haven't tried it, sometimes I go there just for the fucking cheeseburgers. I go in, I close my eyes,

I don't let myself look at any of the girls, and I just eat a cheeseburger and then go on to the next one. The Red Rose and the Yellow Rose are two different places, but they are in conjunction. They're brother and sister. Sister clubs with brothers. Whatever you're into is what they are. They are the best.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Estefan Fuentes. Whoa. We're gonna put this bucket right behind you, Ron. Oh, that thing's heavy as shit. What am I doing? Here comes Estefan Fuentes. Here he is. One more time for Estefan, everybody. Hey, y'all doing tonight?

I know you see me, and you're probably thinking, his ass is pretty hairy. So to save money, I started washing my body with head and shoulders. I call it head, shoulders, dick and balls. E colito. I'm big on hygiene. I'm big on hygiene. Quick question.

How do you brush your teeth? Do you let the brush just fuck your face? Or do you do a little head bob with it? Now me personally, I like to, you know, hum a little song past the time. I'm walking on sunshine. Oh, oh, oh.

You don't brush your tongue, you nasty fucks. Let me tell you a quick story. I was making out with this girl in high school, and out of nowhere, she hits me with, your hands are really soft. You must jerk off a lot. My first reaction was, oh shit, she knows! But I had to play it cool. I had to play it cool.

I hit her back with, well, your lips are really soft. You must suck a lot of dick. And she did. And she did. Thank you so much. Wow, Estefan Fuentes. This is what I like to call all types of bad. An incredibly horrible performance, Estefan. Is this your first time doing stand up?

I've been doing it about four or five months. Four or five months. I love it. At open mics in front of audiences, mostly comedians. And they probably laugh at that stuff. They just want to see you fail. They laugh. Comedians at open mics will crack up at bad jokes in hopes that the comedian will keep doing that joke

and stay as bad as they are. A little fun fact for those of you that don't go to really shitty open mics. A little insider information. You think that's what's been happening, Estefan? Actually, I was blessed enough to get a guest spot on Alex Raimundo's The Tequila Talking Tour,

and I did a little spot with him in Pekis. How in the world did you get that guest spot? His opener didn't show up. I'm guessing you have really soft lips after you got that spot. Welcome. My cousin, I was actually great. My cousin met him, did some work for him,

made some real badass cornhole boards and some merch for him and stuff like that. He basically did it as a favor for me. Let me ask you this. Does your cousin still have that job after your performance? Really. How long did you eat it on that stage? This was 60 seconds. I can't imagine you were lucky enough to only do it.

This is my first time even signing up, and I was even telling them, like, I have a feeling I'm going to get picked, but I was only supposed to do seven minutes. I was doing pretty well there in Pekis, so I actually did nine minutes there before. Wow, he went longer. He did that tonight, too.

Yeah, he's like, the guy with the broom isn't coming and sweeping me out the stage. This is going great. The guy with the broom was his cousin. Estefan, you just started stand-up. You've been doing it a few months. What do you do for a living? I'm a cook, actually. I've been working in restaurants for about 10 years.

Oh, I believe that. I definitely believe that. Hey. Line cook? I used to manage a steakhouse, but, you know, I was working about 60, 70 hours a week, so thankfully, where I work at now... Jeez, such little amount of time

for somebody so Mexican. I know, right? 80, 90 hours a week. 80, 90, right? No. And I really wanted to pursue comedy, so thankfully now we're met. I just nine to five Monday through Friday, and I try to hit as many open mics as I can afterwards.

Okay. Awesome. I love it. You've been doing this for a few months. What made you want to start? I just love comedy. I've been watching it since I was a little kid. Obviously, you know, all of your stuff, I've been pretty much watched,

so much love to everybody. They're so supportive and so fucking just awesome. The supportive to you is what you're saying. Laughing at my shitty jokes. Yeah, I know. It's funny when you said they were supportive, nobody clapped. Yeah, exactly. I was going to say, he's not talking about this crowd.

It's okay. The guy's in the very back know who I'm talking to. The guy's in the back. Are you talking about Abra Benowitz? Yeah! So Alex Ramundo is my partner and number one to key here, right? Yeah. And he see you perform

before he let you on this fucking show. No way. Because I'm calling him right now. Yeah, please do. Please do. Because again, he even told me, this never happens. I never let anybody on my stage that I've never seen before,

but by the grace of God, I was able to get that opportunity and I actually drove him to Colleen. Okay, all right. Now it's starting to make sense. The grace of God. Next in VLA, I need a ride. I think it's amazing that your self-esteem is high

because I thought halfway through that set if I were you, I would kill myself right there. I really would. I thought about killing myself on your behalf and I didn't do it. I almost gouged my eyes out halfway through. So I didn't have to see this

and I could relate to the bass player. I got the knife right here. Let me ask you something, Estefan. You've been doing this a few months. What else have you been doing with your life? What other hobbies or special skills or anything else other than comedy have you been doing your whole life?

Anything you're good at? Again, cooking. I'm very passionate about it. Other than cooking. Come on. Can you jump over your own leg or some shit like that? No. Let's jump over a wall. Hey. Give me a noose and we'll do a new trick real quick. We'll see.

Now people are going to blame me if he kills himself for bringing it the fuck up. It's going to be a number one fucking noose right there. That's what it will be. Ron White kills Brown. I love it. I'm a big sports guy.

I played baseball for about 12 years. So, I mean, give me on the court and we'll place, you know... Oh, on the baseball court? Oh, incredible. Great stuff, Estefan. Basketball. I don't play baseball no more. Never go to the golf field. Never go to the golf field.

Oh, my God. Hey, basketball music. The old boxing bitch. Wow, that's incredible. You ever do anything musical or anything like that? Not really. I can sing karaoke pretty poorly.

What's your karaoke go to? Simple Man, Leonard Skinner. Wow, okay. You got anything for that, Matt Mueling? What do you got over there? Nobody wants to hear that shit. Yeah, fuck it. Let's skip it.

No, I'm not trying to make you sing. Listening to a Simple Man sing Simple Man doesn't sound like the most enticing thing to me. It negates it. Yeah, it's a very complex situation. You singing Simple Man. But I'll tell you this. It was fun to have you.

We love people of all different shapes, sizes, experience levels and things like that. We were so mediocre that we have these very tiny Kill Tony joke books that made by our friend Adrian Cavazos. There you go. There it is, a very tiny Kill Tony book.

You could take that to the baseball court and show your friends. It's my size. Hey, the sound of basketball. There it is. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Jose Trevizo's going to be next,

but not before the amazing Kaylee comes up here. There's Kaylee, everybody. Come on, make some noise for Kaylee, everyone. She's trying her hardest. She makes the job a lot harder than it has to be bringing stuff up, doing other things that isn't

microphone related, but she's great at her job. She's also great at her job at the Red Rose. I'm telling you, the place is unbelievable. They just celebrated their one-year anniversary last year. The end of the Red Rose or the Yellow Rose? Yeah, goddamn right.

See how high they raise their hands when they clap? That's a good sign. That should tell the rest of you that you need to go there. Check it out. It's an unbelievable place. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, our next comedian. Anything can happen. It's Jose Trevizo, everyone. All right.

Man. I was going to come up here and do some positive material about my sobriety, but I relapsed like an hour ago. So, fuck it. That shit's all out the window now, man, shooting from the hip this evening. What the fuck am I talking about?

I fucking love basketball. And I love smoking weed. I love smoking weed and playing basketball at the same time. I tell you, I get lit as fuck. I do dad hits before I leave, smoke my vape pin, eat an edible on the way to the gym. I'm just in there

fucking playing defense, getting rebounds, scoring baskets for the wrong team and shit. dudes are always arguing about the score at these games, you know? It's like, no, man, it's 11-13. It's like, no, it's 11-14. I hit that two over there.

And then they ask me and I'm like, dude, I'm high as fuck. I don't know. You're asking the guy that just scored a wrong basket, so just chill out. Fuck, man. Cocaine would not be a big problem but you know what I'm saying? Do you know when you go to jail?

There you go. Saved by the bear. Jose Trevizo, ladies and gentlemen. I was just thinking it's been so long since we had a Mexican bomb on this stage. There we are. You have a smaller book than that last one. There you go.

Get that thumbnail out. Is it pinata night? These guys are taking a beating. It's two in a row. Nice to see you guys, by the way. Absolutely welcome. You look like fear and loathing in Chihuahua. Welcome to the show, Jose.

Absolutely incredible. By the way, don't ever do that. Cocaine smells like a smells good thing ever again. Literally the oldest joke. St. Peter. Very famous. I thought I wrote it, man.

No, you didn't, but it's okay. I never heard it before. I promise you I never heard that joke anywhere else. No, no, no, no. We know that's bullshit. It's a brilliant joke. It would stick out like a sore fucking thumb and the rest of that.

Maybe I'll just do this old timey closer. Something, something. Cocaine smells good and you got your fucking nose in it. It's like the whole 60 seconds went anything like that whatsoever. I never heard that joke. I apologize.

I never heard that joke before. It's okay. The red man gets really weird about this shit, but we're just going to keep the comedy part of the show moving along. The promise isn't that you haven't heard it. We don't give a fuck. We know that you've heard it, whether you realize it or not.

The promise is that you won't do it again. There you go. Thank you so much. Jose, they're happy. See, the real comedy fans know. Progress. Way to take his clothes away. I love it. So, Jose, let's catch up. Have you been on the show before? No, but I've been on roast battle. You're a judge on that one.

I was judging at a roast battle in Los Angeles? Yes. Oh, okay. Awesome. How did that go for you? There you go. All right. Did you really need to ask? Jose, so how long have you been on stand up? Like 10 years. Oh, shit.

This is a very special moment where we light the entire stage on fire and burn in front of all of you. This is Rest in Peace, our show. 10 fucking years, man. Come on, dude. Congratulations. You just killed Tony. Yeah. 10 years.

All right. Let's do another promise. Promise me you'll never tell anyone you've been doing it 10 years again. How would you rate this set in the 10-year career that you've been doing? Probably one of the better ones. Okay. Until I found out...

Until I found out I stole a joke, I didn't know I stole, but I apologize. Never gonna do that joke ever again. We already know. Don't try to milk them for the applause that you got again. That's also hack. 10 years. So where the fuck have you been doing this for 10 years? Fuck.

New Mexico, LA, here. Yeah, I'd move it around, too. You can't stay in one place and suck that bad. You gotta spread it out a little bit. Are you sure you just haven't done it for like two or three months, and it's felt like 10 years?

You're horrible at this. Oh, man. So, Jose, what else? What are other... What are you good at? Tell us about your life. What do you do for work? How do you make money? Produce comedy shows. No, give us another fucking answer than that, Jose. Come on.

The real one, Jose. Try and produce this festival. It's a basketball tournament, music festival, food truck festival, art festival thing. Oh, that sounds great. Sounds like fire festival to me. Sounds like a bunch of things that'll never happen. I love basketball, but there's never enough music playing in the background.

I need live music for me to make this three-pointer. Sounds great, Jose. It sounds like you're gonna love that festival. Sounds like Estabines, headlining it. It's out there playing basketball. He brought his glove and bat. His bat.

You took the field. Jose, how do you actually make your money, though? The festival hasn't happened yet. You said comedy shows, we're not buying it. What else is there? How do you make money? Work. What do you do for work? I'm gonna make a donation that I'm asking you.

Random shit. Help somebody on a roof. Help somebody, I don't know, build a shed. Mexican! He's Mexican, ladies and gentlemen. I almost forgot. Help somebody on a roof. Very good. Do you ever stand outside a Home Depot or anything like that?

Fuck it, right, dude. I go pick people up at Home Depot. I'm the guy that drives to pick people up. I've got a cousin go pick up some dudes at Home Depot. I'm the middle guy. You relapsed an hour ago, is that true? No, I'm actually sober. Right, but you said during your set that you relapsed an hour ago.

It's too good of an opener to pass up. It sounded honest and it wasn't. Nobody laughed. They fucking laughed. I'm gonna laugh. Who did that cocaine joke? Everybody. Everybody.

I don't know who did it. I'm answering this question. There you go. That joke is in that video. That video is about stealing material. Which Carlos Mincey? I'm going to answer the question again. I'm going to answer the question.

A lot of comedians do. Most importantly, there's a legend at the comedy store that goes on every single night at 9.15. The whole reason why he's part of the lineup is because he is like super old school and he shows people after the opening act at the comedy store

where he was usually a younger person from like the future, he shows people at 9.15 for 15 minutes what it used to be like and establishes a base for the insanity that they're about to see. So that comedian's role, his name is Argus Hamilton, is basically to be a throwback comedian

for 15 minutes in the show. And he does that joke seven nights a week for the last 35 years. Oh. Seven nights a week. Think about that. But I apologize. It's true. I believe you. I believe you. I believe you.

Have you been to the comedy store? Yes. You've seen Argus Hamilton. You've seen a guy in a suit. Am I right? Yes. So you've seen that joke lie. I have. No, I haven't. Busted! You're busted, dude. You're totally fucking busted. I swear to God I haven't heard that joke. I believe you, I believe you,

but I swear to God I never heard that joke. I'm going to be honest with you. I never knew what my mom meant when I was like a kid and she was like teaching me how to be an adult and I swear to God I never heard is you lied. But right now I understand it like the way you keep driving in

I swear, I swear, I swear, I never had a promise to I've never heard everything and then you just fucking... Alright. I'm going to stop now. Are you sure you didn't relapse an hour ago? I think you're going to relapse an hour from now. How long have you been sober for? Three days.

Wow. Was that another one of those killer jokes? What? Sober from drinking. Okay. Well, then cocaine usually finds me when I'm drinking so I try not to drink at all. It's contagious, Jose. You're actually sobered up

everybody in the room, so it's actually incredible. We're going to keep it moving along. Jose, thank you so much for coming on. Here's a tiny... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Jose, get over here. There's a tiny Kill Tony joke book for you. Here he goes, Jose Trevizo everybody. Boy oh boy.

There's more troll underneath everything I put on the internet from now on. There he goes, Jose Trevizo. You know what's so funny about that video is that Rick Ingram in the Carlos Mencia versus Joe Rogan video actually said that as making fun of Argus as being one of the most generic jokes ever.

Right. And we love Argus, by the way. That's the fun thing in this. He's like our uncle, everybody loves Argus. His role is to be a throwback comedian. So just know I'm not dissing Argus. And who knows? Obviously Argus could have written that thing. He could be the actual writer.

So you see, officer. All right, we're having fun. Kaylee already cleaned the mic. You guys having fun out there? Sometimes the show gets serious. Sometimes there's drama. All right, this should be fun. This looks like a good comedy name.

Make some noise for Kiko, everybody. Kiko. K-I-K-O. Let's go. Oh, the audience is chanting Kiko, ladies and gentlemen. This is very exciting. He must be a local favorite. I don't think he's ever been on Kill Tony.

We're going to find out here. Making his way to the stage. I've never been on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Live on Kill Tony. One more time for Kiko, everybody. All right, I just started doing this shit next Wednesday, so these jokes

ain't even new yet. I'm a Colombian person. Colombians are like Mexicans that like to go hiking. But we're not famous for that. Everybody always wants to know more about, hey, man, you know where I could get that good,

good? It's pretty annoying. So I'm always like, yeah, shut the fuck up so we can talk about it in the back, you fucking asshole. I don't do cocaine. I did it once for seven months,

but it was too much fucking for me. I don't do cocaine because my mom died from it. She didn't overdose. It was just too much cocaine when I pushed the pallet in it, crushed her. She was tiny, so a pallet is too much cocaine. Thank you very much, everybody.

Kiko. Kiko, welcome to the show, sir. This is your first time here, right? It is my first time inside here. I mean, for this purpose. I love it. I feel like I've seen you before.

Like maybe you sold me weed at Bonnaroo or something like that. I'm just an Indian with hippies imitate, so I don't really sell weed that much. Okay, not that much. I love it. You have that weed selling bag attached to you, though.

It is my medicine bag, that's true. All right. I love it. And you're, what, 100% Colombian like coffee or something? I grew up on a coffee farm. Oh, wow. I did. And you look so sleepy. Because that's my medicine

is the sleepier business. I love it. I love it. I would have guessed that you were raised around beans, but I didn't realize it was coffee beans. I'm a full-fledged beater. Like I grow my own eating beans, yeah. I love beans. Is that what your family does?

They're in the coffee business? They were. And then, we couldn't do that anymore with globalization and all. So I'm a musician and I don't do that. Do you play a band?

I front my own band. I have a backing band. That's awesome. You play. I've been doing music in town for like 15 years. 15 years? It's fucking awesome. We love local musicians. I had a gig with Deep Madness on New Year's Eve one time like eight years ago or nine years ago. Wow. That's incredible.

My name on my band is my name. What instrument do you play? I'm the singer, but I play guitar. I play different folkloric instruments. What do you sing? You sing anything that the band could cover? Man, we could jam, right? All right. Give them something.

Tell them the five eighths of a beat sound good or something? Do you remember Deep Madness? Do you remember Voodoo? The Neville? Voodoo. Voodoo. No, it's okay. Do you have the sheet music? Deep Madness loves sheet music.

Can I play guitar? We can do blues. That's a standard business. It's not real. Some browns doing the blues. Here we go. Sorry to... I love it.

I feel like this is going to pay off this anticipation that's happening. Brown, white, and blue. Yeah. This is very, very exciting. All right. Here's a little tune by BFAR also the most talented.

It's Kiko, everybody. Give me champagne Give me champagne When I'm thirsty Give me reefer When I want to get high Give me champagne When I'm thirsty

Give me reefer When I want to get high Give me champagne When I'm thirsty Give me reefer When I want to get high Know when I'm feeling lonely Bring my woman

Set her right down By my side Hell, yeah. All right, all right, all right, all right. That's enough. Very good. How about a big hand for Kiko, everybody? That was incredible. That was all right.

I play Colombian folk music, but I like all kinds of roots music like that. I love it. You have a real set of pipes on you, and I'm not talking about the glass ones in your weed bag. Yeah, there's just one. I only need one glass. The voice. Surprise. A real good voice.

You were built like a dell when she was in her prime. It was incredible. I like your style, man. You're like stink Floyd. You're like the grateful bread. You're like the funniest cave nut that's ever been translucent. I like this show so much.

You do? Thank you so much. You really do? For having me here. I'm such a big fan of... Hey, give it up for fucking Kill Tony, everybody. Oh, yeah. I love that. Some goddamn respect. I got to say that I loved the opening joke.

Thank you. Which one was that? It cracked me up. I don't remember exactly how it goes, but... I think I said these are... You just started next Wednesday. So these jokes aren't even old yet? They're not even new yet. You're not even new yet, okay. Wow, Ron.

Oh, my God, I'm getting like... That was a good joke, man. You can see when the mushrooms wear off and come back in on Kiko every, like, minute. He's like, oh, my God, Ron, why? Oh, shit. Coming in waves, baby. Whoa, Kill Tony, this is one of my favorite shows. I totally forgot I was here.

Kiko, you're the fucking man, dude. I'm like a man and a half right now, but I'm trying to slim down. How long have you lived in Austin? 15 years. 15 years. And you're originally from where? I'm a Miami Colombian. Absolutely. Basically the same.

That's what we all come in at. That's what we do. That might even be a real stomach. Most of the Colombians have fake asses. Yeah. It's just some fix-a-flat in there right now. That's true. I love it.

Kiko, you're a real fucking talent, man. Please sign up again. Come back anytime. I will. Thank you so much. Y'all need a brown version of, like, David Lucas Montgomery. Like a fat, brown, red person. Who knows? We could announce a new regular at any given point.

Anything could happen in the future. Thank you all very much. In the meantime, take a big kill Tony joke book. Full size. Full size book. There he goes. Kiko comedy is where you can find him on the internet. Kiko, K-I-K-O and comedy with a K.

All one word, Kiko comedy. Very, very exciting stuff. Cool guy. I like this. I like this joke book things. Because, you know, in the future, you'll see, like, a comic with a little one and be like, oh, you must have sucked ass.

Anthony Knight is next. But now before the amazing Kaylee up here. Very, very easy on the eyes. A crowd favorite. Everybody loves her. She's got a fun energy. You're going to notice her energy increases as the show goes on because

she likes co-pays. Oh, do that again. Do that again. Here he is. One more time for Anthony Knight. What's up, everybody? Give it up for my uncle Kiko one more time, guys. Like many of you, I'm not from Austin. And the other night, I got called a colonizer.

Like, that's the last thing I thought I'd be calling in Texas. You know? I was like, shit, don't let me colonize Austin because I'll fuck around and give it back to Mexico. You know what I'm saying? I like it here in Austin. I did have a little bit of culture shock, though. Because I'm not a colonizer.

I had a little bit of culture shock, though. Because I've never seen so many white people on a Martin Luther King Boulevard before. I'm used to going to MLKs where I can get an ounce of weed and a bottle of the Blue Mad Dog 2020. And also, all I got was a bubble tea and a parking ticket. I said, what the fuck

am I doing here? Let's give it up for the band. They're doing good, you know? Like it. When it comes to music, I like listening to the bear naked ladies in my basement screen for help. It's a joke, guys. I don't have a basement. Don't even have a house. I'm moving tomorrow, you know?

Because y'all voted me out, this bitch. It's like, no. There we go. Thank you. Anthony Knight, welcome to the show. Absolutely. How are you? I'm doing good. How are you guys doing? Good, good. Welcome. Welcome. This is your first time here, right? Yes, sir. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Three years in June. Three years. All of it here in Texas. Where are you from? Hey, there we go. Oh, shit. Watch out. They have guns. DC. I love it. You've got more capitals to store. You still live there? You're just visiting? I moved here about a month ago.

Welcome. What part of town do you live in? I'm in the west side of Austin. How far west are we talking about? West 22nd Street. I don't know if I should give any more information. I'm a little nervous now. West 22nd Street. I'm going to write that down.

I'm sure there's no other places near you on West 22nd. What do you do for work here? Well, I'm actually just door dashing now. I quit my job about a couple years ago. I went to school for Oracle databases. It wasn't fun. This was, sometimes.

How's door dashing working out for you? Oh, shit, it sucks. It's like the stingiest customers on door dash. Uber Ease was better than door dash. How about Postmates? Do you ever think about Postmates? Postmates isn't a thing anymore. Uber Eats bought Postmates. Really?

If you use Postmates, it's just bullshit. Door dash like the lift? Kinda, yeah. You ever eat anything from the bag? Yeah, when they order $47 worth of sushi and don't tip me, I'll steal a couple rolls. How do you know they didn't tip you if you didn't deliver the sushi yet?

It's $3 if they don't tip. That's the base rate. If it tells me I'm getting $3 that means they didn't tip. Oh, shit. I heard a lot of people, they'll tip if they get everything fresh and good, then they'll go back and change it.

Yeah, do you ever think about not eating? At least you're only eating with the rich people that could possibly change your life with a tip. There you go. I'll never tip you on this sushi. I promise you that, okay? I love it. Anthony, what else do you do?

What have you been doing your whole life? Yeah, so I played football for a lot of years on different levels, mainly flag. But it was fun and I got to end this happen in a football game, so... I know. Look at that. Someone's not going to kill it

on the guitar tonight. But the ladies love it, so it's all good. Yeah, ladies love it. Yikes. But yeah, football, but I'm getting old and out of shape, so... Did you ever... Does that hurt at all? This is after surgery, so actually I can make a fist,

but it doesn't hurt when it does, I guess. Yikes. That's why he didn't move to LA, because he can't do west side anymore. That is the weirdest. Yeah, this guy lives really west. He ends up in Pasadena. Yeah. He looks like if me and the drummer had a kid.

I love it. So, Anthony, let's figure it out some more. What else? What else about your life? Anything crazy about your family or anything? Yeah, family is crazy. Both sides, my mom's side, they were like die-hard Trump supporters. It was tough during those four years,

kind of just talking with them. What was tough exactly? I know it wasn't the economy. Now, listen, they're part of the poor white America, so... maybe a little bit. No, it was just... You know, you don't wear a shirt like this if you don't support everybody that gets the job.

You know what I mean? All right. Anyway, mom's side was Trump supporters and dad's side more on the liberal side. Pro homeless people and shit like that. Sweet. Kind of assuming mom's white, dad's black.

Yeah, there you go. You're quick on your feet, man. I like it. I love it. But no, dad, he grew up in the restaurant business. He's a chef. Been doing that a lot of years, so I can cook. I guess that's a fun fact. I learned how to cook through his restaurants and shit.

That's cool. I love it. How about your love life? What's like that? You talked about that a little bit. You talked about whatever in town. I got PTSD from my last relationship. Tell us about it. So... she was a white chick, which I liked.

You don't like them anymore? Listen. No, I do. Listen. I'm wearing all these crystals because it attracts the white women, you know? But no. She gave me this love that I really appreciated when we broke up. Someone shot her backyard and automatically

she thought it was me. Somebody shot up her backyard with a BB gun. Not even a real gun. And I was her number one suspect. I mean, you are half. We won't use live rounds, right? A BB gun. How did she know that her backyard

got shot up by a BB gun? Did she find BBs? Maybe she had some empty cans of white claws that had some holes in it. I don't know. I really don't. But she thought it was me. She's like, where were you? I didn't want to tell her I was fucking some other chick.

I was just like, you know, I'm at home. It wasn't shooting her house up. So here in Austin, I've been going out in Rainey, 6th Street, just seeing where life takes me, I guess. Did you own a BB gun at the time of all this? I did not, no. You sure?

I had a gun, but it wasn't a BB gun. Oh shit. Okay. BB gun. Super soaker, you know. What a mellow drive-by shooting that is, huh? I'm Canadian. It sounds familiar. I've heard of the Rough Riders, but I've never heard of the Red Riders, you know what I mean?

That's an inside BB gun for you guys. Very rarely will you see one of those. Very rare. So Anthony, I love it. This white girl, so you're saying that you don't like white girls anymore after her? No, just...

Have you been with a white girl since her? Well, she was half white, half Iranian. We didn't hook up though. I was trying to close the deal, and then she got weirded out because I told her about the time I got abandoned with the stray dog,

and she thought I ate the dog. We had time for all the details. Don't do Hans Kim's act now. So she was half white, half Iranian? Yes. Iranian cancels out white, right? That's just Iranian. We're going to go with our senior Middle Eastern

correspondent here, Russell Peters, to tell us exactly what does that make her. Let me clear this up for you, Tony. It makes her not welcome anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. But listen, here's the thing. We connected because her dad's a Trump supporter as well,

so that was like, of all people, that's what we bonded over. Okay, yeah, Iranian, Trump, both pro-oil, I love it. It makes sense. 100%. I love it. So since you've been with that white girl,

have you been with a white girl since I was just saying, that's what it's been. It's not a bit, Anthony. I'm asking you in real life, who have you had sex with since your white girlfriend? Oh, black and Puerto Rican, no white. Black and Puerto Rican. But that could be two black people, really.

Who was the most recent one, the Puerto Rican? Black. When was that? That was, she, end of the summer. It's been a while. So I was working, my job that I had at the end of the summer was, yeah, 2020, yeah, I know.

I was all over the country during COVID and was just trying to get bills paid, so I kind of had no life. How old are you? I am 28. Damn. Okay. What were you, oh, shit. A little bit old to your average door dasher, but all right.

Gotta do what I gotta do. Get how you live. Yeah, absolutely. All right, Anthony, well, it was fun talking with you. Anything else for Anthony Knight, guys? Did you guys... Do we have a medium-sized book? No. We've got some pages out of it.

I like Anthony and I'm, right, thinking, what are you guys, a full-size book, right? It's like a good sport. There you go, buddy, full-size book. Hey, appreciate it. Hell yeah, absolutely. There he goes. All right, thank you guys.

You could use that book for a target practice on. There we go. There he goes, Anthony Knight, everybody. He's on Instagram at a night of comedy with underscores in between everything. There you go, Anthony Knight. That's a good point. Like, Bones Eye should make medium-sized books for you.

I guess. I don't know. I mean... Bones Eye does enough. Your next comedian is going to be Brandon Hupp, H-U-P-P, Brandon Hupp. But of course, the great Kaley from the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. Amazing strip clubs.

If you guys ever visit, if you come into town to come see Kill Tony, you die hard fans. Make sure you go to either the Red Rose or the Yellow Rose after the show. We have some fun promotions coming up. I'm sure we're going to have a special Kill Tony night at the strip club.

We got to figure out what's going to happen. Oh, here he is, everybody. One more time for Brandon Hupp. What's up, everyone? Anyone here from Austin, Texas? Three people. I'm born and raised here. I love everyone that's moved here.

Welcome. A little bit about me. Pretty sure I was raised by con artists. Real talk, though. Like, I got... My parents divorced when I was like seven years old. Literally, one side of family, my dad's.

Loves Trump. Big-ass supporters. My mom's side is super hippie. That's something called past life aggression therapy. Didn't understand how the fuck they met in the first place. Pretty sure it's fucking... They're both con artists. They love just grooming people over.

They're paying nothing for fucking something. Or something for nothing. Sorry, guys. Y'all hear that in Austin? It's apparently the worst place for women to date men. Alright, Brandon. That was only a minute.

That was like four minutes. I was waiting for that little kick. Yeah, that was... Twisted in to win there, buddy. Brandon Hupp proving white people can be bad at comedy, too. Welcome to the show, Brandon. How are you? Good.

Is this your first time doing stand-up? Yeah. Yeah, I've got a hand for that. It's first time. So glad he didn't say ten years after that. Welcome to the show, Brandon. How old are you? 30. 30 years old. Is this something you've always wanted to do?

No. What made you want to do it tonight? The girl I was with signed me up. Did she tell you that she signed you up? I knew it was going to happen. I was like, well, there's 100 people. What are you now up here eating a big shit fucking sandwich? What are the chances?

Literally, one in 100. Those are the chances. And you found out tonight how that works out. Everyone else's odds, by the way? The same exact odds that you had. So what are the chances? Absolutely. Here you are. She signed you up for this, and she might not fuck you tonight

after seeing your performance. He's already gotten fucked once now. I love it, man. So welcome to the show. Tell us about your life. Tell us something interesting. I mean, yeah, like, I'm from here. You know that already. That was right when I fell asleep.

Yeah. Brandon, talk right into the tip of that microphone. Don't be afraid. It's been cleansed by a filthy stripper. So, you know, just talk right into the tip of it. Yeah. I mean... You can trust that microphone. You won't get coronavirus. You might get herpes,

but you won't get coronavirus. No, I mean... Just kidding, guys. The girls at the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose are clean, tested daily. And... Anyway... They sponsor this show, don't they? Yeah.

They do. It's lovely. We love them. Kaylee, you're the best. She's watching me. Okay, Brandon, tell us more about your life. You're from Austin, Texas. We get that part. What else? I mean, I'm in tech. I'm a tech pro, of course. That's what's around here. That's all we got.

I don't know how... That's obvious. I mean, I'm Indian. I should have been in tech. Or a doctor or something, shit, right? Definitely not for me, but... I got a question for you. So, you had no idea that you were coming up here. So, you have no plan at all for now or when you came up or what you were going to say?

No, I literally said, fuck. And then, like, came up here and was like, alright, let me just try out this dumbass fucking premise. Wow. How long have you been with this girlfriend between two and six months? Am I correct? Minutes. Yeah, well, it's kind of like we don't really know what it is.

It was, yeah, pretty much alright. Wait, what do you mean you don't know what it is? Because the reason why I ask is that's the exact type of window that I could picture a guy who's like, you know, wants to please the woman, wants to get lucky, you know what I mean? Shows that he has balls.

Because after six months, you've already established whether or not you have balls or not. You're not going to be in a position like this. So that's why I guess that exact window. So can you confirm that I'm exactly correct about my question at least before you... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you so much. There you go.

One more for Tony. Now break up with her immediately. Just fucking her on the way. Maybe she should come up and do a minute since she wanted to put you in this position. Yeah! Brandon, what's her name? Brenda.

Brandon's girlfriend, Brenda, everybody. Come on, Brenda! Here she comes, no choice in the matter. Okay, yeah. If she doesn't come, she's banned from rock and comedy venues in all of Austin, Texas.

Here she comes, everybody, Brenda. She's got to come up here. And Brenda is the female version of Brandon, so that's the bullish version of... Yeah. No, yeah, we're Brendan and Brandon. All right, Brenda, you think you're winning this thing, but here we go.

Brandon, tell us secrets about Brenda until she comes up here. Tell us things she wouldn't want you to let us know. She might be coming right here. Oh, that worked, everybody! Here she comes, it's Brenda! Brenda, keep coming,

you fucking no-fun idiot. Kayla is now dragging her on stage. Yeah, Brenda fucked up. Brenda fucked up. Brenda fucked up. Brenda fucked up. Yeah! We'll see how many girls sign up

their fucking boyfriends after this. Here she comes. Brenda! Oh, shit. Damn. So, Brenda, welcome to the show. How do you

feel up here right now after seeing your boyfriend stand up there? I don't think he could do better. He's just nervous, but he's great. Brenda, move forward more. Yeah, move forward. Let everybody see that. At your stage now, sweetheart.

Let everybody see that face. Right. So, Brenda, oh, she's furious. Brenda, you know any jokes or anything like that other than the cocaine smells good joke? No.

And the basketball ice hockey thing. There's a guy who needs to talk to me. No, we already tried with him. He didn't have anything. Yeah, he was dull and talentless. Brenda, thank you. Let's find out if you're a perfect match. Yeah, come on.

Brenda, do one joke for us. So, tell us something funny about your life or anything interesting about you whatsoever. You have any talents or anything like that? Anything? You seem like you have that nail salon energy or something like that? Just that basic bitch energies, right?

Yeah, I'll do your nails anytime. You're a teacher? I'm not. What do you do for work? I just volunteer at a shelter. Volunteer at a shelter? Oh, my goodness. How do you make money with a gold digger?

She fucks tech guys. Yeah. Oh, my God. Brenda, do you ever bring home money? Brenda has a lot of money, so, yeah. Damn. She's moving up. Well, if you ever wondered

how far those tits were going to get you, now you know. All the way to the middle. Brenda and Brandon, that's sort of wacky. Does that keep you guys positive about your relationship? That your names are so wacky and close together? Brenda and Brandon?

Are you ever going to sign any more future boyfriends up for this show? Is this your reading out process? He's a funny one. Why do you have me up here? He's not the funny one. We promise you that. This has been proven now. It's not a theory. I've never seen anybody

make it look this difficult ever. You guys are both humorless. It's really hard to date men here in Austin. Raise your hand if you had a difficult time dating men here in Austin. Okay. There we go.

There's a setup. Come on, finish it, Brenda. I like their Peter Pan. They think they're young forever, right? All right, now do the punchline. All right, Brenda, what did we learn here tonight? We don't sign up our boyfriends if they don't want to do the show, right? I didn't sign up the bass player for a driver's license test.

I mean... What a beautiful analogy that was. There she goes, Brenda, everybody. There she goes. Yeah, Brenda! All right, Brenda. Good job, Brenda. Come on, make some noise for Brenda, everybody. She had the balls to come up here.

We got through it. Brandon, you know what you're getting, my friend. You're getting the tiniest joke book that has ever tined in its existence. I'm honored. Thank you. About one more time for Brandon Hopp, everybody. There he goes. On to the next one we go.

That car ride home, man. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's gonna be hilarious. We've tried to establish for years now, do not sign up friends or your boyfriend or your girlfriend. It never works.

It's torture for the show. And so, as you see, now that we're Texans, we get our goddamn revenge right up front. None of the girls at the red rose or the yellow rose would sign you up. Yeah. They're awesome girls.

You can do anything like that. Your next comedian is Thomas Siska. Thomas Siska is next on this Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas. Thomas Siska. Here he comes. Very confident walk to the stage.

Should be good. How's this side of the room doing good? You guys having fun? How about the standing room only? How are you guys doing? Here he is, Thomas Siska. Guys, what's up with these HEB coupons?

They come up with the weirdest combos? Buy an eggplant and get a free roll of duct tape? What am I supposed to do with that? My girlfriend was actually traumatized at an HEB at a young age by a special needs student. We know how they say

he's a comics comic or that's a rapper's rapper. Well, this was a retard's retard. Yeah, he just came swinging straight from the gate like, you're not my friend! Hit her in the face. I'm pretty sure my girlfriend's a retard magnet.

Turns out I'm slightly retarded. I think there's something in her ass that just gets people stupefied. So you don't want to mess with a gay mafia? You don't? I heard they like to get guys whacked off. Thomas Siska.

Alright. Absolutely. You can tell when people are just begging for the kitten noise. When is it fucking coming, man? Really wild. New record for most times retard was set on stage, though.

Congratulations to that. The band was on edge waiting for the N-word. No, I'm not the guy, but there's a couple of them out there. I've heard it, but it's not me. Okay. Just the retard magnet. Thomas, I love it.

Alright, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? For about two and a half years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yes, actually been on the show a month or so ago. Alright, welcome, welcome. Absolutely, there you go.

That's a very likable quality about you. Welcome back. They have our artistic, artistic capabilities. Okay, Thomas, relax. You were on the show about a month ago. What happened then? Anything interesting?

What stood out in your interview part? Yeah, we talked about my job. I lost my job, and Joe Rogan was here. And we talked about somebody getting shot. Okay. Yeah, so moving on. I've been making posters

and getting paid gigs here and there and making a little money. Sweet. Do a little graphic designing. Things are looking better. You got the Kill Tony bump, we call it that. Life gets better. Unless you get one of the small joke books,

then it gets worse. It's curse. I love it. When you use the egg plant, you get free duct tape, and you said, what do you do with that? My answer, use the duct tape. Right. You ever think about that?

Well, I mean, it's open for interpretation, I guess. I was thinking that you use the duct tape with the egg plant. Okay. Yeah, they're supposed to be together, right? All right. She said it.

Nothing better than when Kaley starts heckling people without a microphone from backstage. I told you, the energy shoots up thanks to the makers of cocaine, everybody. So what did Rogan tell you last time he was on the show?

Did he give you any inspirational words or anything like that? Because I got nothing. Thanks, Ron. Yeah, I mean, Joe just basically explained the story of why I didn't have a job because

the shooting, and then he complimented the artwork, but nothing really was said about my comedy. So, yeah, I'm all ears, Tony. My favorite proteins for... We sell them on and we sell them have protein. Okay, there you go. He finished, he just called in, and that's what he wanted to let you know.

He loves proteins right now. Egg plant protein, specifically. People wonder what hanging out with Joe Rogan is like, and I'm telling you, that's pretty much what it is. He says very few things. I mean, you probably know what some of them are and, you know,

really says a bunch of it, right? Kids' ideas are so stupid. I agree, Joe. This is what being on the road with me and Joe is like. He says something and I just say I agree. A lot like this, right here. That is fascism. I agree, Joe.

That is fascism. Let's keep working together. Keep paying me, please. What else, Joe? Anything else interesting? You can make him plastic. Oh, that's so interesting. I had no idea that was even possible. I love it. All right, back to you, Thomas.

I could sit here, I could sit here fake talking with Joe Rogan forever, but the truth is, I have to knock out someone with an interview. I liked when Joe Rogan told us not to get the vaccine. That was pretty cool. That's not what he said. Yeah, he said it, right? Do you work for CNN? That's not what he said.

Very clearly not what he said. I got a lot of Joe Rogan, you know, messages there and I just wanted to say the one that stood out the most to me. Okay. Yeah, I'm not taking the vaccine. That's all. Someone's got to say it, right?

You know how when you're a kid, like, moms tell you, like, don't cross your eyes. You might end up that way. I think if you say retard on stage, this is what happens. If you do it too much, like you slowly become like he wasn't even wearing a mortal that was a plain black tee when he came up here.

It turned into a mortal combat shirt on the fourth retard. The good news is he got great parking tonight. Thank you. Yeah, right there on the corner. I love it. Thomas, you were on a month ago. You are, you have people that love the flavor of water,

must love you. But I'm glad that I'm glad. No fluoride, right? Absolutely. I'm glad that you came back. Anything about the comedy? You asked me about last time. We didn't get to talk about the comedy.

Maybe log into the internet and realize that you really shouldn't be throwing the R word around if you want any kind of positive response. That was cancer like 10 years ago. Yeah, I don't say it on stage 14 times in a row. I say retard about four or five times

in an hour long set in my current hour. And every time that I use the R word, it has to get a massive response. What you were doing was you were saying the R word for it and getting nothing, which makes you sound like a horrible human being. Oh, is that what happened, y'all?

No one liked the first one. Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. I'm just asking. Thomas, hello. You don't need to ask them. I just fucking told you. Alright. Gotta be honest, Thomas, you sounded retarded. Incredible. Okay, now it's funny. Alright, thanks.

Thank you for the bucket. Thomas Siska, everybody. Really bad attitude on his way out. Check him out, Tom underscore nipotent. Some people get hurt feelings up here. This is a real fucking show, people. Anything can happen here. Some people don't even get a book.

You want a safe show? Go watch fucking Wolf Blitzer. Hey, look at Kaley. Can you reach that high? No book. No book, by the way, for Thomas Siska. No book. Alright.

You guys ready for your first female of the night, everybody? Make some noise. For Kristi Nova. Kristi Nova. Representing the women here tonight on Kill Tony. Very exciting. You know, we've noticed that in Los Angeles

the ratio of female to male comedians is much higher than here in Austin, Texas. In LA it's probably 1 to 4, 1 to 5, 1 to 6 and in Austin it's like 1 to 12 or 14 somewhere in there. So this is very exciting

an organic pull out of the bucket Kristi Nova making her way to the stage being helped by the great Yoni of Best Barbecue show fame. So, boyfriends, sign up your girlfriend next time. Here she comes

making her way, keep coming Kristi. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? Yeah. I thought so. One more time for Kristi Nova, everybody! I love everyone. So, I was making out with this guy the other night

and he told me that my kisses felt like home but he was homeless and I was like, do my kisses remind you of a dumpster the tent city right down the street or your mom's disappointment? Either way, sounds dirty.

So, yeah I hate that my ex-boyfriend was telling me that he has sleep apnea when I know he's just lazy sleeping all the time, right? One night he's sleeping and he's like and I'm like, holy shit he does have sleep apnea. Well, technically I was holding

a pillow over his face. I hate that I'm half Hispanic and the only thing brown on my entire body are my nipples. That's not normal. I'll leave it at that. There you go, she's out of 55 seconds. Kristi Nova, welcome to the show. I'm gonna ask you some questions now.

Awesome, I'm shaking, holy shit. I love it, awesome. Absolutely, it might be your blood sugar or something like that. Welcome. Welcome, Kristi, how are you? I've lost 25 pounds Tony, I've lost 25 pounds. You did? Congratulations, 25 pounds.

Alright, give it up for Brown Sugar Nipples. 25 pounds down, how did you do it? Red Band's looking to find a way to eliminate lunch. Not eating, don't eat, just take a bunch of protein shakes. Are you from Oklahoma? I'm not, I'm not that dumb. Red Band thought you recognized you from somewhere.

I actually met you in LA, I'm friends with Anthony. Okay, awesome. He went to a Halloween party together. That's what I'm talking about. Yes, I know you from somewhere. We went to a South Park party. Plus she's still wearing what she wore to the Halloween party. I did, I am, I am.

Very exciting, how long have you been doing stand up Kristi? On and off for two years. Okay, why on and off? My mom died in 2019 and then so did everybody in my family except for one person. Oh my god. So I kind of chilled for a little bit.

Party time, my god. How'd your mom die? Cancer. Oh, Kido-Ki, there you can hit that one more time. Welcome to the Feel Good episode of Tony. Kill Tony, kill Tony. I love it. Maybe it's the wrong title for the show for you.

And then all the other family members. Was it coronavirus or what was it? No, it's just Alzheimer's and dementia. Old age and alcoholism. Okay, all right. I have a great family. All the fun ones. There you go.

Whatever that noise fucking was. It's a ship in the distance, I think. I love it. They were buried at sea, very good. So Kristi Nova, what do you do for work? You're going to love. I'm a Twitch streamer. You're a Twitch streamer.

Yeah, I'm an IRL streamer. I live stream on Twitch. What do you do on Twitch? Well, when I play games, I play chat-involved games. For those of you that don't know, Twitch is like only fans for ugly people. And DJs. And DJs. You can find me on Twitch at Russell Peters.

I'm just kidding, Kristi. What do you do on Twitch? I was just kidding. I play chat-involved games and I also IRL stream with like a Sony Action Cam and like my own little signal modem thing, transportable modem.

Sweet. What do you like to do when you're not Twitching or doing stand-up? What else? What are some like hobbies of yours? You drink, you go out, what do you do things? Twitch and stand-up is really like mainly my life. Try to keep my dad in order. That's about it. And I'm moving. I'm moving to Austin.

Oh, moving to Austin. There you go. We just said we don't have enough ladies moving here with goofy colored hair. Hi. It's filled with people like you. It's great. I love it. So that's that. What's the deal with your dad?

You said keeping your dad in line. Oh yeah, he's fucking nuts. Ever since my mom died, he picked up binge drinking as a hobby and dating like 20-year-old girls. How old is your dad? He's going to be 69 this year.

Whoa, damn. Are you going to be us? I'm not mad at dad. I'm not mad at dad. No, he's a handsome son of a bitch. Is he the Mexican side? Yes. He's got the color. I don't. He's the one that gave me the brown nipples. Why are you keeping him away from the 20-some-year-old girls?

What's wrong with the 20-some-year-old girls? I'm sure it's all gold-tiggers. All they want is his money. Sure, you think a 40-year-old would be different? No, it's not. He's dating a crazy gold-digger 50-year-old that hacks into our Alexa. I had a kid with one.

So how'd that work out? I love it. Christy, what's your love life like? You got a boyfriend or something like that? No, I'm single and I'm happy. Really? I got out of a really toxic relationship in November and I'm focusing on my Twitch and my comedy. I love it. When's the last time you went on a date? Fuck.

When I met that guy for the first time two and a half years ago. When's the last time you kissed a boy? A month ago. What happened there? How did that happen? I was drunk and it was my birthday and I wanted to make out with somebody.

Everybody loves a kissing slide. I love it. Who was it? Was it your dad? Keeping him in line. Wrong 20-something. I'm too old for him. I'm too old for my dad. Get away from these gold diggers, dad. I want all your money when you die.

You said you liked redheads, Poppy. Christy, any other crazy fun facts about your life that we should know about? About your history, about anything? I used to do Taekwondo for like 16 years. Really? 16 years? Would you guys like to see her do us some Taekwondo?

Huh? Put that mic in the mic stand, Christy. Let's see some fucking Taekwondo. Guys, make some noise for Christy Nova. This is very exciting. Oh, shit. Whoa. Oh, my goodness.

Wow. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. That's been a long time. A little bit of Taekwondo and a lot of dough. Feel good. Taekwondo and yeast.

Christy, your energy is absolutely amazing. I love... You come up here, you laugh at all these jokes about those things and your family dying and everything. You shared everything on this interview. Great set. I absolutely love your style.

Here's a big joke book. Great job, Christy Nova, everybody. Oh, red band. That's so great. Red band going in for the rare handshake there. I know her. I know her from a long time ago. We went to South Park's

Halloween party. Just remind me of the Austin Jess Wellington. Yeah, absolutely. How about a hand for Kaley, everybody? Not really into her job tonight. Not really excited to be here. Why don't you wave to these people? Say hi. You're beautiful, Kaley.

Zach, check your phone. There you go. A little Hitler salute. Not really a wave. She's shy tonight. Yeah, I was going to say, you know, she's a little low on energy. I know half the residents of Austin, Texas are addicted to cocaine.

If anybody wants to get Kaley high on cocaine, she's standing right over here next to the stage. Just a little joke truth for you. We get 10%. Your next comedian goes by the name of Marcus Oland. We know this guy.

Marcus Oland is next on Kill Tony. Here he comes. Live in the flesh. This is the real guy. We've seen him before. Some interesting interviews we've had with Marcus.

This is a new minute from Marcus. Make some noise for Marcus, everybody. Hey. How's it going? My name is Marcus. I used to do a lot of Adderall. Used to do a lot of Adderall. Adderall is crazy if you've never done it. One time I did so much Adderall

from college. That was a lot. With honors. That was a lot of fucking Adderall. Speaking of drugs, think about getting the vaccine. Anybody get the vaccine in here? Which one did you get? You got Pfizer?

I heard Eminem, the rapper Eminem. I heard he's going to get the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. Because he only get one shot. Yeah. Hey, there we go. Lose yourself in the vaccine. Okay.

I had a job interview recently at a CBD store. They asked me at the interview. Hey, Marcus, do you have any prior experience that you can use at the CBD store? I used to sell real weed. I don't know if that counts at all. I know how to short someone on an 8th. I don't know what you're looking for.

A little thumb on the scale. Alright, thank you. There you go, Marcus. Wait a minute. Welcome back to the show, Marcus. We famously from past interviews with you know that Marcus, ladies and gentlemen, does not eat pussy

at all, ever, no matter what. It gets caught in his lip-trip. There you go. The ladies are booing him right now for those of you that can't hear the audience. It is incredible. Remind us, why don't you eat pussy again? It's me and my girlfriend just

don't go down on each other. When I was 20, I got a blowjob on Ecstasy and I can't even come from him anymore. Did your girl watch the past episode and go, why don't you try it? No. Nothing like that, huh? I'm not going to have her do it

if I don't even feel anything from that shit anymore. You don't feel blowjobs? Kaley, get up here! No, I'm kidding. I'm just joking, Kaley. This will be played by me tonight. Turns out he felt it, everybody.

He definitely felt it. All right. Marcus, tell us something else interesting about you that we haven't learned from. When I was 21 years old, I had Bell's palsy. If you know what that is. Yeah, it's where your face goes numb. Exactly, yeah.

Half my face went paralyzed for like three weeks and I had to go to the hospital for it. It was really weird. I was living in Germany at the time, too. It was the same thing that happened, so. Yeah, weird things happen in Germany. I know, right? It was fucking nuts, man. I just woke up and half my face didn't move. I was like, okay.

You should have seen the 30s and 40s. You should have seen the pussy I ate the night before, man. That shit fucked it up, but I don't know. All right, Marcus. What else? What do you do for work? Right now, I'm looking for work since I moved to Austin. When I was up in Dallas, I was doing part-time moving and stuff like that.

What do you want to do? I used to work in finance. I don't really want to do that, but I've worked down a food truck before. Worked in a food truck? I've worked down a food truck before. I used to drive Uber and Postmates. I don't want to do a driving thing. Fuck that. I'd rather work at a location.

Okay. So what? I'm down to do anything. I used to work construction. I'm down to do construction. Anybody hiring for a construction guy? A door guy? I can kick people out, sure.

There you go. You just got hired at Vulcan Gas Company right there. The owner is right here. I appreciate it, dude. Very famously the place where a lot of the local stand-up shows are done. Yeah, this Thursday. I just did two weekends there this month

in incredible, incredible times at Vulcan. How do you feel? You just got hired before? Dude, I feel really good, man. I'm going to have to fucking stop collecting unemployment, but fuck yeah, I'm down to do that, baby. No money, baby. Hell yeah. There you go. You guys have anything else for Marcus O'Lind?

Talked about Adderall. Good joke. Oh, thanks, man. Really got to get you back into the pussy eating game there, Marcus. How old are you, buddy? I'm 27. That's way too young to be giving up. Were you just not getting any results from it?

Well, no. I mean, like I said, when I was 21, I got my first blow job and I did Molly for the first time like in one night, and it was just so fun. After that, I've never come from a blow job ever again. Here's the problem. I'm talking about eating pussy. I get it. No, no, no, no.

So that's where I'm like, all right, I'm not going to, if she doesn't want to go down on me, she's like, you don't have to go down on yourself. Here's what you got to understand. Yeah, it really is. Marcus, as you get older, as you get older, your equipment doesn't get as good as it used to be. Right. And eating pussy becomes very important. Okay.

I'm 51. How old are you, Ron? Or it's, it's, it's stalling. It's a reason. It's stalling. Oh, okay. All right. It becomes a great technique. Well, I still get it. Like I get boners, man. I don't need to like, I get it boners right away. I don't fucking need it. Yeah, you're 27.

You fucking better get boners. Yeah. Got what a dull fucking human being. Does the carpet match the drapes? Do you trim above your penis and your balls are just hairy as fuck? Yeah, it's exactly the same. He's got a leg.

He's got a leg. Marcus, fun times. You've been on the show a couple of times already since we've been here in Austin. Seems to me like you're getting better. How long have you been doing this again? About five years. There you go. We're already seeing improvements in your one minute game

and it's awesome to watch. Thank you for coming on again. There goes Marcus Olin. He's on social media at Beard Von Marcus. Yeah. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? Yeah. Oh, you do? Kaylee wants to pick it. She insists on picking.

We let Kaylee do whatever she wants. Kaylee secretly runs the whole show. She gives me these notes before the show on what to say and when to make the jokes and who's coming up. Shut up, Tony. There you go. Here comes Dallas Irvine. Wow, she can read everybody.

It's Dallas Irvine. Incredible. All right, fellas. Coming to the stage. Sorry. Here comes Dallas Irvine. Very incredible. That is actually the name on the piece of paper.

She did read properly. I was excited to see whether or not it was. Unfortunately, it's Darius Irving. It's Darius Irving. Here we go. There goes Kaylee from the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world. And this is Dallas Irvine, everybody.

Make some noise for Dallas. Here we go. I don't know about y'all, but I've never been jealous of a mic stand before. Hell, yeah, baby. Not a lesbian real quick. I even got my goddamn haircut today because it was all puffed out and shit like that.

I was like, hey, you can't look an androgynous there, buddy. Now I just look like a lesbian military instructor. By the way, if you can't tell, I'm adopted, too. Oh, yeah. And I got to meet my biological mom when I was 20, 11 years ago. And, like, I looked her straight in her Ohos.

Yeah, for the Mexicans in the crowd. And I looked her. I go, who's my dad? And she goes, fuck if I know. I'm like, that's the interesting way to find out your mom's a whore. I was like, give me some numbers. She gave me five numbers.

Four of them weren't even my dad. The last one was a Takarita, and you can already tell, depression's a bitch. And I think that's enough. All right, 55 seconds. 55 seconds of thunder from Dallas Irvine.

Welcome to the show, Dallas. Welcome. How's it going? This is actually a big dream of mine because I've always wanted to be roasted by you. Dude, white boy growing up in the hood and stuff like that. I got a hood name. It's scissors because that's how lesbians have sex.

Right. Scissors. Which hood? Black, Mexican, or? A little mixture of both. My family was mostly the diversity of neighborhood. I learned the word pendejo before I even learned anything else. So they were garden shears of the scissors. Yes.

I love that. You were adopted by who? My family. My mom. Her cousin. Hey, Linda. She's not going to watch this. What did she do?

Well, the sad thing is she ended up getting a hood hysterectomy. She got mugged with my sister. Yeah. Keep going. We don't know what that means. We know what a hood hysterectomy is. She got mugged and stabbed in the womb.

Really? Yeah, I think she wants her money back now. Okey-dokey. Is that how your mom got pregnant? Or is that how you're... So, Dallas Irvine. Yes, sir. How long have you been on stand-up?

About 10 years now. Where at? Shreveport, Louisiana. Don't cheer. We don't deserve that. Very interesting stuff. Dallas, tell us more about your life other than being adopted and clearly not

being a lesbian. What else about you? What else have you been doing this whole time? What I've been doing this whole time, I love cooking, as you can tell. I absolutely love cooking. I made my fungo for the first time the other day. A little Cuban dish with plantains and what not. Holy shit, it's fucking good.

Okay. When you go to... I'm sure that lesbian joke kills every single time. Have you ever thought about getting a different haircut? I've tried everything. I've tried everything. I just do one on the sides, trim up top.

Fuck it at this point, man. Can you grow facial hair? No. I just would rather shave it off than anything else. I've tried facial hair and all that because you saw a home dude right up here. I wish I could grow that ZZ Top type of beard,

but I've tried. I mean, are you sure? Have you tried for long periods of time? Because Tony, as an example, never could grow. It took him four years to grow what you got. This is the most I've seen since I've known Tony. Absolutely.

I didn't commit to letting my facial hair grow out until I was like 33, 34, something like that. He had the John Waters mustache for years. I wish. I wish. It's much sadder than even that. John Waters has to trim around his mustache

to make it look that way. This is just growth. I got a question. Do you cut your... I mean, your hair cut is so fucked up. I mean, it's just... Do you get it cut in a funny way? To make that joke work better?

No, sir. It's just how my hair grows. You didn't pay somebody to do that to your... I paid a... I'm not gonna name them, but I paid a local... Supercuts. Wow, there you go. Supercuts joke slid right in there.

Do you have to take a certain amount of naps a day to make your hair look like that? Uh, no. No, it just looks androgynous like this has is. You ever thought about product? I never thought about product. Product in there might give it a little bounce. A little bounce.

Yeah. With a little fucking... little something. Fucking bass player's not even looking at you anymore. So, Dallas, you're not a lesbian. You are a real boy. Tell us about your love life. What's that like? Who is fucking you?

Tell me you eat pussy. Do you eat pussy? I eat pussy like I eat cheeseburgers, baby. This guy clearly eats everything. Fuck, I had to learn how to eat it properly for compensational purposes. What did you learn? Teach us something. As a lesbian, you would have known.

Yeah, I know. Face the audience and teach us what you learned. Uh, what I learned is that just lay back and just let her suffocate me. I'm just saying, like, like... You exclusively only eat pussy from the bottom position?

No, I'll go right behind and stuff like that. I mean, I learned some finger popper techniques. Wow. This guy loves fucking... She pushes him up against the wall. Yeah. Very interesting stuff.

Uh... So, what's your love life like? Are you with a... you have a girlfriend right now? I got a girlfriend, but I got a chick I'm fucking around with. Wow. You got a girlfriend and a chick you're fucking around with? No, no, no, I don't have a girlfriend, but I have a chick I'm fucking around with. Okay, how long have you been fucking around with her?

Uh, I moved here like a month ago. Day two of moving here. How did you find her? We just ran into each other at the gas station and stuff like that. Wow. I love it. Okay, okay. I wish I wasn't lying, but this is true.

What gas station was it? A little Circle K right next to my house. Damn. Circle K, what was happening? Were you cleaning windshield or something like that? I have a question. What did my uncle say, the one that was selling you the gas?

Oh, he's just like, no, this is not your only ID. I love it. So, tell us how you met this girl at a gas station. We're just sitting there, I'm getting... I'm getting beer and getting some gas real quick for the car and stuff like that. And she just straight up was like, yo, I think you're cute. And I was like, I think you're cute.

Wow. We're very blunt, like if a chick wants to be blunt to me, I'll be blunt right back. You know, she's sitting on your face. Sucking on my titties and all that too, baby. Wow, look at that. I love that. Not at the same time though, right?

We tried, but like next, man, like my neck got kinked. Did you guys hook up that night? First night? No, we waited a day. I like to because I'm a southern gentleman from Louisiana. I at least want to take a check out to a dinner. Good night's dinner. I pay for it and whatnot.

Use up my dick translucent. Wow. Even if you're both buying 87. What does she do for a living? Was she asking you for money because she ran out of gas money? No, no, she's a nurse neccessis. Okay. Nurse what?

Nurse neccessis. It's like almost a doctor, but not really a doctor. Right. Okay, I think there might be a couple extra asses in that that you threw in there. That's why I had to ask him again. Neccessis. You're a heterosexual man.

I try to be, but it doesn't come out all the time. You are? I try to be. Oh, fuck. How often do you think people genuinely think that you're... All the fucking time. How many people have called you Nanette?

Oh my god, that's a good one. That's a fucking good one. How about you, Dallas Irvine? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything other than stand-up comedy? Stand-up comedy, cooking and stuff like that. I mean, I got... Yeah, I'll stand up and cook and that's it.

Okay. All right, that's it, huh? Do you have any posters on your wall in your house or in your bedroom? No, no, no. What scares you? What are you afraid of? Shavers. What I'm really afraid of is not being myself

in a way like I've... When I was 23, I tried to... I tried to off myself. I was about 320 pounds. Oh, you broke the rope, huh? I did break the rope. No, that is actually true. Really? My dad thought it was a hickey, dude.

My dad thought it was a hickey and I'm like, I'm just gonna let him believe in Santa Claus, I guess. You literally tried to hang yourself? Yes. And the rope broke? Wow. 320 pounds going in one direction is not really...

I don't think that's... good physics. Well, the good news is, ladies and gentlemen, we have a very strong rope for him, everybody! Whoa! Don't tease me. I'm just joking, Dallas. Dallas Irvine, you're named after two...

You have two cities in your name. Dad's a Cowboys fan and a fucking redneck. Wow. Is that really it? I asked him, is there any significance? He's like, I just like Dallas Cowboys. I'm like, that's the beer I heard the first time I actually heard anything

was probably a beer opening. Aren't you glad he wasn't a Washington fan? It's my boy, Redskin! I'd have to change my name to Washington football team now. Dallas, so much fun. Great set. Here's a large Kill Tony joke book for you.

Thank you so much, man. Thank you, everybody. Yeah. You know what, Tony? You are a goddamn genius to figure out that this would be entertaining. I mean, just horrible comic after horrible comic after horrible comic.

And you went, I got a plan for this. Yeah. Good on you, dude. Because it is hilarious, it really is. Tony's like the IRS. You've got to capitalize on your fucking misery. And the people, they just sign up for it.

They can't stop moving here. It's a whole thing. It's incredible. A lot of fresh blood here in Austin, Texas. Yeah, it is. It is. It is Michael, yes. You guys ready for your final comedian of the night, huh? Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the ringer right here. This is a regular, which means a brand new minute every single week on this show. He's a goddamn anomaly originally built in Second City in Chicago, originally from New York. Second City in Chicago

spent decades there. Dominating the improv scene was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease and knocked off his bucket list, his lifelong dream of being a stand-up comedian. We found him immediately and made him a regular on this show. He's on every episode. He was the first person on this show

to get a fan and I to move here from Los Angeles. He's a killer. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one and only Michael Lairer, everybody. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here he comes ladies and gentlemen. He's the one and only.

For those of you that have been to the show before you know what you're in for right now, real monster. Here we go. Real monster. Come on guys, make some fucking noise for Michael Lairer. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. поз defeating.

there we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Mamma retail trading. Future truth teller.

Vape thing. Future truth teller. Taxicabs return. After Uber drivers. Grow tired of strangers farting in their cars. Future truth teller. So many Californians move to Texas. Being homo.

Becomes Texas favorite new pastime. Future truth teller. World hunger is solved after covid kills so many people leaving so much left over chicken in the fridge. Future truth teller. Mexican cartels kidnap Joe Rogan. And force him to interview. The ghost of Selena. And propel.

And propel. And propel. Conspiracy theories that the Alamo. Was a false flag event. Future truth teller. As artificial intelligence rules the world Dana White studs out the entire UFC roster creating a militia of mixed race mixed martial arts machine marauders future truth teller. Turns out. The biggest threat to white people.

Was not the identity politics of the democratic party. But in fact. Ranch dressing. Future truth teller. Elon Musk cures all cancers but anal but anal but anal because he's just funny like that. Future truth teller. Wow. A brand new minute.

Vape thing. Future truth teller. We've seen this before. Always a special treat to have vape thing here. Vape thing how you doing? I'm freaking the fuck out Tony. I have a fucking felony on my fucking face. I can't I can't I can't catch another case.

Wow okay that's an interesting answer. How's things been since the last time we saw you? Everyone in here has guns. Will someone just put me out of my fucking misery? This is absolutely incredible. It doesn't even look like your mouth is moving when you answer these questions. It's incredible how do you do what you do vape thing? Leather.

Blind guy. Do it. He deserves as much. Oh wow it's really Michael Lair everybody. This is incredible. It's the real man Michael Lair under there. Famously the man behind vape thing. Do you have lipstick on?

Yeah I asked my nurse for lipstick but she wasn't wearing her glasses. So stupid. This guy gets it man. The things you do for comedy it's incredible. Michael what's happening? Well everything's wonderful. Hey Texas we just passed a constitutional carry law

so all of us can carry handguns without a permit, without a license just call me Butterfingers. I love it. Last time you had a gun famously there was a BB gun incident in a backyard that uh... In Maryland I believe. I saw my smile now. Michael welcome to the show.

You're here with the great Russell Peters and Ron White. Pleasure on earth thank you. You guys have seen Michael before correct? He's been absolutely killing it out here every week. Actually Tony last time Ron White was on was when Michael was at his all time low. Yeah Michael was on a lot of that stuff that Kaley's into if you know what I mean. I believe one of the comics took his parking spot tonight. Yeah there are at least one other disabled person in here tonight and I fucking hate that.

It makes it so awkward. Everyone's like it's like the elephant in the room and then when we see each other it's like in the film when someone time troubles and they run into their past or future self and it causes a hiccup in time. It's yeah awkward like that. Yeah the elephant from the elephant in a room reference a minute. Did the other person in a wheelchair or a person talk to you at all? No I saw them coming out of a bus and it looked like they also had a neurological disorder like me.

Hell yeah absolutely the neurological disorder. There was a guy also sitting on a patio chair and I can't tell if he's disabled or just fucking fat. Yeah could just be a lazy man. Yeah but everything's good man. Like I'm having the time of my life in Austin and being sick yeah Austin. He is I promise you this. We look very very very ridiculously close to one another and basically Michael is a staple in our little neighborhood. He's constantly out on the sidewalks of Rainy Street.

Yeah under Rainy Street rule boy. He really does he runs those streets. I actually drove down Rainy Street today. Really? You probably saw him. He was probably driving right behind you. It's a very short street. Indeed he rolls those streets. He doesn't run those streets.

He rolls those streets. That's right. You know famously Michael the one who convinced me to move near Rainy Street is the great Ron White who showed it to me when we were coming visiting here during a California lockdown and my mind was completely blown to see how alive that fucking street was. Oh yeah. It's wonderful. Like any given day you can see a bridesmaid get an open head wound on the bird scooter. That is so true. Yeah.

Absolutely correct. Hilarious stuff Michael. Anything else Michael? Nothing. I got to say man it's so good to see you doing way better because the last time I saw that was the first time I saw you. You were a shit fucking sandwich dude and you are. But just to see you're. It's not like that every day.

So this is a way fucking better day right. Yeah. You don't know. Real quick. Real quick. It's crazy because I've been working so hard this year with this show and I moved out here and built up all this currency for being a hard worker and doing great comedy. And then the two OGs here fucking Ron White and Joe Rogan they both saw me on my absolute cocktail rock bottom. I started to fight with Joe Rogan.

Oh shit. And now look at you. It was pretty hilarious. He got into an argument with Joe Rogan in a green room and then at the end of it asked Joe if he this means he's not allowed to do his podcast anymore. Which made the whole room really bust up and laugh. Spotify vetoed it. Yeah. I love it.

Michael you're an absolute legend. How about a big hand for Michael Larry everybody. That's tonight's episode of Kill Tony. How about a big hand for Russell Peters. He's on the departed world tour going everywhere all the time. It's done. Well it's done. But he'll be on tour again soon arenas and giant theaters near you.

Ladies and gentlemen how about Austin's own Ron White was with us tonight. Number one tequila. If you drink tequila at all you absolutely have to try this stuff. It's amazing. It's the only tequila that we drink at my household. We absolutely love it. And check him out all the time. He's doing a lot of my shows a lot of red bands shows at the secret group.

I mean not the secret group at Vulcan Gas Company. The secret group is in Houston. Don't know why I said that. So much fun stuff happening. We got an amazing drawing from Ryan Jeb out here tonight. Absolutely incredible with a gun. Ron White with a shotgun. Russell Peters with what appears to be another revolver.

Incredible stuff. Let's check out the drawing from the local artist Chris Rogers. What do we got tonight? Wow. Look at that. Venom. My favorite character in Spider-Man folklore history. Very, very fun stuff.

Oh yeah. Check that out. He's follow him at Chris Rogers Art. Check out everything Ryan Jebel to RyanJebel.com. Every poster from every Rhodes show. The new Kill Tony coloring book. And other fun stuff coming very soon. We do this every week here in Austin, Texas. In order to get tickets you have to be on the website at noon.

Monday is before. Somehow a lot of people figure it out and a lot of people ask questions online. How do I get tickets? How do I get tickets? You don't unless you're on the Antones website two weeks before the Monday that you want to come at exactly noon. So that's the only way to do it. Red Band?

Hey, I got an amazing secret show this Thursday. And I can tell you this because this audio doesn't come out in for a couple of weeks. Ian Edwards, Felicia Michaels, Joe Rogan, Arie Mannus, Amir K, Tony Henscliffe, Holtzman and William Montgomery. Thursday at Vulcan. Wow, look at that. Live audience. So much fun every Monday here at Antones. Thank you guys so much. We love you guys. Good night everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.