KILL TONY - #509 - LUIS J GOMEZ + ZAC AMICO

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

Luis J Gomez, Zac Amico, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Zac Bogus, Michael Lehrer, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/31/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—-EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shop squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at shop squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Post Father Tony HinchCliff! Austin, Texas, what the fuck is up?

Wow, doesn't feel canceled to me. How about a big hand for the great Brian Redban is here. Hey everybody! Just another day at the office, you know, everything's normal as usual. How about a hand for the band, everyone, huh? Matt Mueling on guitar, the great John Deese on keyboard. We have Nick Lewis on bass guitar and of course, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Very, very exciting stuff. Stuff is wild.

Look at this. Not only are we back in business, I want to let you all know this is double the capacity of a former venue, everybody. Better. Double capacity. This is double stacked too. Absolutely incredible. Hello everyone, I went through a very serious transformation in the past couple weeks. I am a changed man. I have been passed.

I flew through the priesthood system, turns out they really like boys that look like me. I got fast tracked and now I am a changed man. What you're going to see tonight is simply only positivity and nice things to say because I have changed. I got hit by a bus, I got thrown under it by the people over at Antones. I got hit by a bus and I found God, everyone. At least some people haven't forgiven me, but God has and that's all that matters. You know what I'm saying? I'm happy for you, man. You look great. I really am. Jesus saves. That's what I always say now in the past two weeks.

He has saved me from my sinful, sinful ways. There I was practicing the freedom of speech here in America, the greatest country in the world. Boy did I learn a lesson that there are certain lines that you just can't cross. You know what that reminds me? To start tonight's episode, I think we should do something really special. I decided and so I have a friend here to get tonight's first, the first ever return episode of Kill Tony. Started with a little bit of a bang before we bring our very special guests up. I would like to present someone to do something special here on Memorial Day in America. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Hans Kim, everyone. Here he comes. Hans Kim to get us started.

If you know the words, sing along, ladies and gentlemen. It's a special night tonight here. Memorial Day in America. This is Hans Kim. You'll never believe what he's going to do. Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed At the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars

Through the perilous fight O'er the ramparts we watched Were so gallantly streaming And the rocket's red glare The bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night That our flag was still there Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave

O'er the land of the free And the home of the brave Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, Hans Kim getting us started here tonight. He came all the way from China for this, everybody. I'm from Korea. He's Chinese tonight. Hans Kim, everyone. Korea.

Come on, it's his birthday. Make some noise for Hans. He's in the bucket tonight. He's been on this show before. He could get pulled out at any given moment. We'll see a minute of stand-up comedy from him. Let's keep it moving along. Your guests tonight, two of the...what? Our guests. Oh, our ads. Absolutely. How could we forget the people that keep the show going forward?

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to receive 5% off your order. Go to 3CHI.com. Use code KILLTONY and get 5% off your order. Must be 21 to purchase. And we're back! Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? I could simply not be more excited about the two guests that we have.

These are our brothers from totally different mothers out in New York. We've worked with them multiple times. These are also guys that are not just great comedians, but really, really real comedians, people that really push and support the amazing freedom of speech and comedy that we get to flex, people that take risks, people that I love. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great Louis J. Gomez and Zac Amico, everybody!

All the way from New York, Legion of Skanks! Real-ass podcast! Gas Digital! These are our homies from another homies! Come on! Louis J. Gomez! The founder of Gas Digital, the founder of my favorite comedy festival in the world, Skankfest!

Co-hosts, Legion of Skanks! Co-hosts, Real-ass podcast! Zac Amico, Real-ass podcast! Midnight Spookshows! Bye, guys, on Gas Digital. A bunch of fun stuff you guys are up to. Louis J., you've been on the show multiple times. Welcome back.

I am extremely excited to be back here at the most racist podcast on Earth. White power, Tony. White power, my friend. Tony, don't take that from me. I don't know if you know this, Louis, but I am a changed man. I've found God, and my butthole still hurts, because of the whole thing, but I am a priest now, so... All right. That would be an interesting moment to play that sound effect.

Jesus Christ. And Zac Amico, your first time on the show. Welcome. How about a big hand for Zac Amico? Joining the Kilt Tony family. Unbelievable. Roaster, comedian, podcaster. Tony... There you go. Tony, red band.

So glad that you found God after you got Pearl Harbor'd like that. Thank you so much. Yeah, that is one way. I do believe that's a different Asian country, but I'll take it. I will accept that as hilarious. Also, shout-outs to our amazing local sponsors, CM Smokehouse, an incredible barbecue joint at Bolden Acres. Highly recommend that. Our friend Yoni at Best Barbecue Show makes that all possible.

We had delicious cakes made for us by another one of our favorite restaurants, Shae Zee. We have Whiskey from Whistle Pig, and unfortunately, Kaylee had a little accident today. Someone shoved sunglasses up her nose, so she won't be here to change the microphones, but big shout-out to one of our favorite sponsors, the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose here, local strip clubs.

We lost. Not only did we not lose any sponsors, I'm also shocked we didn't lose Red Rose or Yellow Rose. I thought they'd be the first to drop us. Well, definitely Yellow Rose. Okey-dokey, and we're moving on again. We're moving on again. I thought these were the... Okay, you guys are... Your jokes are very unchristian-like so far.

Incredible stuff, so let's just get tonight's show started, shall we? You guys ready for it? You guys know how it works? There's a... Comedians get pulled out of the bucket. You know your time is up after 60 seconds when you hear the classic kill-tony sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or I'll sure bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear.

There it is. Still from West Hollywood. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Well... Thank goodness we're not a canceled show because we have many people who are part of our ombloy, I believe is the word, and three regulars moved here from Los Angeles, California, just in the past...

One a few months ago and a couple of this past couple weeks. So we're going to get the show started with one of our favorite regulars, the longest standing regular of all time on the show, always with a killer brand new minute. One of the best comedians in the world. Just got done opening a bunch of shows for Joe Rogan a couple weeks ago. I don't even know how a spot like that could possibly open up. But I'm glad it went to this guy,

one of my favorite comedians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, it's William Montgomery! Hello everyone, my name is William Montgomery, and my pronouns are they and whom. Don't even try to call me something else! You can tell Barack Obama is a huge influence on Joe Biden because the new border wall has ivy growing on it. That's a hell of a joke.

I don't know why more people didn't laugh at that. Maybe the solution is more trans female cops so that the suspect is too confused to resist arrest. I forgot there were a bunch of trans people here. Fuck. I love getting emails from Chuck E. Cheese asking me to come close my tab. Oh yeah, maybe you forgot, I was fucking drunk

and we're still in a fucking pandemic. I don't know if y'all have ever been to Chuck E. Cheese's house but he has so much fucking cheese. There it is, a new minute from William Montgomery. That's what he does, that's his style. He's got a whole notebook filled with those. I do, I gotta start memorizing him again. I love it.

William Montgomery literally was driving here from Los Angeles as I was blowing up in the news a couple weeks ago. He was coming here to move here. High on, what was it? Adderall? Yeah, a bunch of Adderall. I'm actually gonna ask you, I haven't been following the news. What happened?

What happened? Now I tell you what happened, Joe Rogan shows you right after Tony Hinchcliffe. You're good, man, congratulations. Don't fucking say that. Next in line. Next in line. Yeah, it was horrifying, I was terrified.

Yeah, after two long days of driving high on Adderall and then getting that information it was storming out. To get a phone call from Joe Rogan, no way, that's horrifying. Yeah, I get so much money from that. Yeah, I mean it was bad. It was really bad.

This is my bread and butter in regards to income. The homeless people here are terrifying. They are. Oh my god. So William, a fun fact about William is that he has always been

an extremely heavy drinker. We know this about you, we've been following the story about your hardened, lumpy stomach for years, and is there something you'd like to tell the people about your past week of human life? Yeah, last Thursday I did something

at the creek in the cave. Two of the really nice guys who worked there took me back to my place. I had a big bag of cocaine. We stayed up till 11 in the morning. Let's give it up for cocaine, y'all! William? Hell of a time!

It was much fun! The next day I went to my first AA meeting. Yeah. So it's been over a week. I haven't been drinking. I have to stick with it. He's a week and three days sober, everybody. If you know anything about William on Gumry, you know that that's a pretty big deal.

Last time I saw you right before all this, you were hanging out with a guy that was giving out DMT. Was DMT responsible for this at all? I think it was not. I think it was actually ketamine. Ketamine that night. So William, you live here in Austin, Texas now.

It's official. You moved here a couple weeks ago. What are your favorite parts of the city so far? These are a bunch of Austin people out here. One of my favorite things I found, the HEB has the really good cinnamon raisin bread.

Uh-oh. Man, I love it. I don't know the company, but I've been eating tons of cinnamon raisin bread at night in ice cream since I'm not drinking. I have the biggest fucking sweet tooth for some reason. That makes sense. You were drinking a lot. You were day drinking.

You would start the days with multiple six packs of Lone Star or whatever it was. I would. I was getting fucked up. I love it. It was fun. I was having a great time. You're a good Christian for giving up on the booze, and that's important now that I'm a priest

that you be a good Christian. I'm trying to reform everybody. I believe we're going to stop selling alcohol at these shows. Good. I think we need to. Those of you booing that are taking this seriously, maybe relax.

So, William, so much fun. You're an absolute murder. That was a brand new minute from you. You're all around town, doing spots everywhere, taking advantage of this scene. Anything else for William, guys? I don't know if you guys know William, but we got to get him to Skankfest.

Well, I guess yes, according to that chick. She angrily wants him to be there. You stupid bitch. Why did you fuck this up for me? I feel like it was about to fucking invite me. William, I feel like you're invited to Skankfest if you go headbutt

that woman in the face right now. I know you will, which I love it. Surprisingly enough, my drinking or relationship is better than ever now that I'm not blacking out every night. I would have known that would have helped everything. But it has.

It's kind of weird. So, yeah, no, thanks for asking. Things are better than ever. I love it, William. Well, you had a new minute tonight. I always a great interview. You're more present than ever. That's for sure.

I think this is my first time in three years of doing this that I have not been drinking. Yeah, your first sober experience is true. You fucking quitter. Come on, William. You used to come up here sweating.

But you memorized your fucking jokes. I'll tell you that much. Yeah, okay. I remember. William, we loved it. Great interview. There he goes, William Montgomery, everybody. We're going on to the next one here.

There's a little information for you. Comedians slammed in the corner over there. There's only one way on this stage. Even if you're on this side of the room, you have to go around and that way. And be very aware that there are cameras everywhere. They're in the middle, far left, far right over there.

So be very careful that you don't excitedly bump into something. You guys having fun yet? This is it. This is where the show really begins. Right here. We always know William's going to bring a new minute and be silly and fun.

But this is where shit gets off the rails real quick. This could be anyone. It could be a brand new comedian. It could be a local legend. It could be someone literally here to murder me. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight goes

by the name of Fuzzy Killowy. Fuzzy Kevee. Fuzzy Kevee. Fuzzy Kevee. Fuzzy Kevee. We're going to need another cable for this microphone. We can test out one more cable, guys.

Here he is. One more time for Fuzzy, everybody. Fuzzy Kevee. Fuzzy Kevee. So, uh, Israel or Palestine, who you got? Israel. I just want to see a good game. You guys didn't fill out your World War

3 brackets? Okay. Let's fill them out. Who's the one seed, right? USA, China, Russia, Germany, but they're probably disqualified because of last time. Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. USA vs. Syria in a round one blowout. Who's the sleeper, though? Huh? I got Ghana and my sweet 16. I just feel like if Ghana gets Belgium, that's a bad

matchup for Belgium. Who's winning that bitch? USA, right? Maybe unless we get Vietnam. They kind of got our number. No, but for real, who's winning, right? There you go, Fuzzy. A bunch of jokes

about a bunch of countries all around the world. Not particularly my style of humor making fun of other races or ethnicities. Tony, are you saying Fuzzy wasn't very funny, was he?

Fuzzy, was he, was he? What ethnicity are you, Fuzzy? Pakistani. What? Pakistan. Pakistani. What the fuck did he say the first time? Yeah, but

stop acting like that was our fault. You fucking said it like an asshole. And the whole of the time you talk like you're a fucking college bro. Like a terrorist barstool sports writer. We couldn't tell because you didn't bomb. Fuzzy, how long have you been doing stand-up?

A little over a year. Okay, what do you do for work? How do you make a living? I work at a call center. Get the fuck out of here. No way. Yeah, I'm a trainer. A trainer. For like a satellite TV company. I train people to sell it.

We know it's not a personal trainer, we get it. Wow. I love it. Is it a specific thing you're call centers for? It's a company, it's a dish network. Oh wow, okay. Wow.

Jesus Christ. That's still around, like dish network? Yeah, it's still kicking in like rural communities where people don't really know about internet and shit. Damn, hell yeah, absolutely. The good old suburbs and they just love talking to Pakistani people on the phone.

Oops, I did it again. What name do you use because I know you don't go hi, this is fuzzy from dish network. Frank. Oh, Frank, absolutely. Do you like white it up, your voice or whatever? I don't think I really have to,

I think I already got that part down. Can we do an example, like I'm calling to get a dish right now, like ring, ring, ring. You answer the phone. Thank you for calling dish, this is Frank in Madison, Wisconsin. Wow. My goodness. Hi Frank, I'm looking to get a,

I'm getting a new satellite dish. I'm out here in the suburbs. I live in Flugerville, do you know where that is? Come on, man. Love Flugerville, one of my favorite places to visit. Oh, great. What's your address? I live at 55 Flugerville.

That's not pulling up. All right. Wow. You shouldn't lie, Tony. Son of a bitch. I like, Fuzzy's got some confidence. He's only been doing this shit for a year. He's coming up here. I mean, he's the only person I've ever seen

to be able to make jeans look like sweatpants. But he fought, he killed it. First of all, it was a funny joke. It was smart. He's confident as fuck. I hate Pakistani people and I love him. Heck yeah. I hate him too. I hate him too. Just want to be like you guys.

Everyone here, kill Tony, we're super inclusive. Contrary to what TMZ, USA Today, Fox News, Vulture and a few other publications would have you. New York Times. No, they did not cover this. Thank you.

And we don't want them to know about it. So let's not mention them. Awesome. Fuzzy, how about in your personal life, any fun facts about you? Anything you're good at other than comedy? I'm a competitive 32 man Madden league. A what league?

Madden NFL football. Yeah, it's like competitive 32. It's like Xbox. Yeah, I'm good at that. Oh, Madden. Yeah. Absolutely. Man, in some words, you are Pakistani. Other times you're Frank from Madison and then all of a sudden you're Fuzzy from Pakistan.

Yeah. My goodness. That's really all I do though. It's just Madden and then hit the open mics. I love it, man. I didn't realize. That's the headset on. Yeah, I'm balding as you can tell. Top Rose got a good view of it. I love it. And you live here in Austin?

Yeah, I moved here about three months ago. Three months ago. From Madison? Yeah, Madison, Milwaukee, which where I was living last year. Awesome. And you love it here. What's your favorite thing about Austin, Texas? Terry Blacks, am I right? Oh, look at that. I took you as more of a Terry Browns kind of guy.

Oops. Oh, my goodness. That is kind of me. I keep forgetting that I'm a changed man. You know, sometimes old habits die hard. Lord knows Jiminy crickets and a sprinkle of sprickets. I am just I, luckily

he forgives all. You know what I mean? Tony Hinchcliffe, the world's least effeminate priest. Fuzzy, are you a member of any religion? Oh, no, not really. Okay, well, I'm going to bring you over to Christianity and we're going to turn you into

a good, I don't know. Okay, forget it. I'm in. I'm in. Let's do it. Were you raised in certain religion? I was raised as a Muslim. Yeah. You just admitted that in Texas, huh? Yeah. This guy's fucking brave. Holy shit.

Well, then I had that barbecue, right? Terry Blacks, the pork rib sauce. Oh, my gosh. It ended right there. Sorry. Mom, you had a pork sandwich and made friends with a gay person. Is fuzzy short for something or did somebody name the, yeah, when they saw you naked? You love the barbecue sauce, huh?

It's good. Normally when you see that much red liquid, it's because you just be headed a journalist, right? Oh, my God. I'm just... Lord, forgive me again, please. The good thing about Jesus is he just fucking forgives like a mother fucker.

He just fucking loves forgiving. It's like his thing, man. Yeah. It's like his getter done. Jesus' getter done is I forgive you. I heard Buddha's not big on you. Wait, what?

I heard Buddha's not big on you. Nah, I don't know how any religion works, so I can't even know what to say about it. Oh, that's right. Okay, I get it now. No. Those people are not quick to forgive. Fuzzy, so much fun, dude. Thanks so much for getting pulled out of the buck.

You did a great job. Interview set, Fuzzy. He's on Instagram at FuzzyKill, everybody. All one word. Making his Kill Tony debut here today. Pakistani. So far, we've had Hans Kim.

Fuzzy from Pakistan. And William from Tennessee. Just to show you the diversity on this show. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Flug, perhaps Flug.

P-F-L-U-G. You can't make this up. Right after Flugerville, Jack Flug is next. Here he comes. Come on, everybody. Put your hands together for Jack Flug. Thank you.

So, growing up, my dad was a big fan of Southern Rock. He used to drive down to Tennessee to buy crack. Anyway, seriously, when I was a kid, I ran away from home.

My parents were devastated when I came back. Anywho, people here are like Pokemon. I got a Pokemon joke for you.

What do you call a Pokemon that was sexually harassed by its trainer? A Mewtwo. Thanks. Fuck yeah. Closing with a Pokemon joke. Risky business nowadays.

Gotta be careful. I'm not really a big Pokemon guy. Are you a big Pokemon guy, Jack? Used to be. Used to be. How old are you? 23. How old are you? Look at you. Aren't you just adorable?

We had people like you in the seminary that I've been practicing in the past couple weeks. I'm sure you do. Just a seminary. Really? Oh, there you go. Red Band still as fresh as ever after a three-week break. What's your story, dude?

You look like, you know, a little bit of a future Joker vibes or something like that. You know what I mean? Yeah, I got that look to me. No, it just came to Austin like a month ago. From where? It came from Upstate New York.

Upstate New York, famously one of our least favorite places in the world. One of the worst places. Yeah, it seems like a place that it's very easy to hate. This guy actually has a lot of personality for Upstate New York. Yeah. I do. Yeah, it is.

I do. No joke. It's incredible. So how long have you been on stand-up? About two and a half years. Two and a half years. All of it up there in Upstate New York? Buffalo Helium?

No, fucking Syracuse, dude. Nothing there. Oh, my God. Oh, I mean, for those of you that might not know, just absolutely, without a doubt, the worst place on planet Earth. Yeah. Just people whose ancestors came here from America,

went there first and never went anywhere else. They're entire... So they come from a long line of people that don't ever go anywhere or try anything or do anything. They don't take vacations. They go down to New York City for a weekend once a year and they're overwhelmed and then they go back, right? Am I close to right?

You guys are both New Yorkers, New Jersey guys. Am I right about Upstate New York? Yeah, yeah. Upstate New York sucks cock, bro. Ay-yo, ay-yo, ay-yo, ay-yo. Fuck yeah, I'm from Buffalo. Yeah, me, back here. Wait, really?

I'm from Buffalo. Woo! Yeah, yeah, all that shit. Okay. Yeah. All right, John, I'm sorry. Now I love Buffalo. Yeah, you do.

All right. That's how... Sorry. If you were a white guy, I would still hate Buffalo, but since I'm a Christian and you're from Buffalo, I'm changing my ways. I love Buffalo. Buffalo lives matter.

Am I right? Woo! Look, if you're going to take your chance fighting a black guy, fight a black guy from Buffalo. Maybe. Maybe. He's had no other black people to sharpen his skills against. All right, Rick James, bitch, you be slamming me.

Jack, what do you do for work? How do you make a living? Software. Really? Yep. Okay. What do you do for fun? You seem like you have some real vibes to you.

You did a Pokemon joke in here. You ever, like, you choke yourself when you jerk off or something like that? I've considered it. What are you into? What do you do for fun? I guess as a boy, I started doing boxing classes. Boxing classes? Yeah.

Really? Yep. You want a shadow box a little bit, huh? Fuck you. Put the mic in the mic stand. Here he is. The new featherweight contender of the world. Just fucking do it, dude.

The crowd wants it. They're going to go crazy. Whoa! Hold on a second. Hold on a second. How many of these boxing classes have you taken? Not much at all. I literally, like, just started.

You boxed like a fucking bird, bro. Those are the kind of punches you're supposed to say, put them up, put them up. That was unbelievably terrible. That was fisticuffs, not boxing. Oh, my God. That was fucking horrible. That was one of the things you're good at?

No. Just what I do for fun. What are you bad at? Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. Lewis Jay Gomez wants to fight you at Skankfest now. I'm ready.

Sure. I'll probably lose. I love it. How many of those boxing classes have you been to? Literally, I just started, like, two classes in. Two classes in, and that's what they got you at? Is that right there? That fucking tai chi?

You had your thumb inside your fist the whole time. I don't know if... They teach that on day three, or... They do. They do. They do. That's true. Holy shit.

Have you ever gotten into a fight before? I try to avoid them. All right. Well, I mean, you know, we've never done this on Kill Tony, but since you're a plain white guy, I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to beat the shit out of you right now. Come forward, Father. Father, handscliff.

2021. So, no, even under the priesthood. Nowadays, as long as it's a white, straight, straight. Oh, you were this close, buddy. Hi, you, Yana. Oh, I swear, if that was a virgin asshole, I would have beat the shit out of you right now. I take it back.

You're very funny, and I love your boxing skills. Thank you. What kind of software do you... You said you work for software. Anything fun or just boring shit? No, it's like the boring sequel stuff. Like, how do you do that? It's also like the boring sequel stuff,

like databases and shit like that. Are you a hacker at it? You got any Bitcoin? You do anything creepy on the side? Jesus. It's a lot of questions. Nah. Just like, really, it's not even interesting to talk about.

You ever break a law? You ever get in trouble before? Oh, I'm sorry. Can we go back to his fucking sexuality? Whatever that would have been? Sure. We're ignoring this. Let's do it.

Let's do it. What is it? Are you bisexual? Yeah. Like, boy or girl? Uh, boy. Okay. Not boy, but male.

Oh, okay. Just while I clarify, father. How recent was that? No, we love that in the Catholic Church, actually. We're all about that. Right. This guy just said... You know what?

You want to be the newest regular on the show, huh? I'm just kidding. Yeah. What was the question, I forgot. How recent was your hookup with this man? Was that in Austin, Texas? No, no, no. Oh, okay.

It was, like, almost a year ago. It was my ex. Okay. I haven't fucked anyone since. All right. And when's the last time you were with a girl? Fucking college, dude. Wow.

How long ago was college? Uh... You went to fucking college? Yeah. That sounds awesome. Uh, no. That was, uh, I graduated a year ago, so. Okay.

You're really bi... I don't believe bisexuality exists. You're really bisexual. See, I don't even like to say I just, you know... I'll tell someone I am if they ask me why fuck men and women, but that's really it. What does... Let me ask you this, because I'm always... Much like Lewis, I'm always very amazed.

I like learning. I like asking questions about this type of thing. So, like, describe to us the type of guy that you're... If you could create a guy to fuck in a laboratory and describe to us the girl, because I'm interested to see, like, what the range there is. Yeah, so, starting with a guy, uh, my ex was, like, uh... Like, very heavy bottom vibes, and I wasn't into that. Now, when you say heavy bottom, uh...

Does that mean, like, he has a fat ass? Or does it mean that he only wants to be on bottom? Yeah, I was just saying, like, he's very into, like, being the bottom. Getting fucked. Right. So you're not into filling that... Man. Uh...

It's, like... I don't know, it's just, like, too similar to being with a woman. You know? Because, like... Also, you want to be fucked. It depends, really. You're a wild kid. Yeah, it really is.

I was not expecting any of this from this kid. Yeah. It's all starting to make sense now. I love it. So, um... Do you prefer one or the other? Like, do you like shit-dick or fish-dick? Which one do you like?

Okay, there's another taste of red-band for you. That was red-band. Shit-dick or fish-dick. I'll be honest with you, um... Like... I get a lot more offers from guys, obviously. So it tends to be guys more, because it's easier. Yeah, guys are just horny fucks, dude.

They are. If you catch me in the morning, I'll suck your cock right off your body. Right. First thing, dude, I can't even do it, dude. For sure. How about girls? What type of girl are you into? I mean, like you said, they're pretty much all bottoms, so...

Right. Right. That is true. Uh... Generally speaking... I don't like girls who are, like, too tall. Like, they can be my height, but... I'm not into, like, super tall.

But if a guy was taller than you... I like that, though. Oh... I want to feel like I'm in danger, you know. It's all so confusing to me, but... I'll take it anyway. Is it true that your dad smoked crack? What?

Is it true that your dad smoked crack? Uh, no, no. Oh, that was a joke that he made. Yeah. Well... Ending up in crack. It might run in your family, then, if he did, because you end up in butt cracks, people.

Uh, Jack, we loved your set. This is a, uh, handmade. This is an incredibly made leather kill-tony jokebook for you to take with you, made by the great Adrian Cavassos. Thank you, sir. Uh, so there's a little gift for you. Have a good one. There he is.

Jack Flugh, everybody. Follow him on Instagram at JackPFLUG underscore. And follow the great leather artist, Adrian Cavassos at Bones Eye, B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. Anything can happen here. This is our first show at Vulcan Gas Company. How's the second level doing up there? So cool.

Are you guys okay up there? I couldn't quite hear you. Second level. How are you guys doing tonight? Ooh, they sounded loud. First level. How are you guys feeling right now? Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. First floor has more money and more fun. Look at that. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jacob Chinaz. Jacob Chinaz, everybody. Here we go, Jacob. This is great.

Everything's moving quickly. Wow. It's good here. How about one more time for Jacob, everybody? Hi, everybody. My name's Jacob Skinnis. So, does anyone know what a runner's high is? No.

No, that shit doesn't exist. Running feels terrible. It's awful every time. The only time I've ever had a runner's high is when I stopped a quarter mile in and smoked a joint. But I recently got into cardio. It was my New Year's resolution, exercising. My buddy got me into it. And I wasn't seeing results, and I found out it's because I wasn't eating right.

So, I was looking up diets, and I came across one. It was like, hey, maybe you should try this, you fat ass. So, I clicked on it. It said, hey, pizza for breakfast is actually healthier for you than traditional cereal. So, I thought that sounds amazing. I ordered Domino's, ate half the pizza that night. Next morning came around, ate it cold, felt great. The only problem I had with having pizza for breakfast is that it got really soggy in the milk.

It was super hard to eat. Thank you. Jacob Skinnis, welcome to the show, Jacob. Thanks. Are you sure after that set you don't want to go by the name that I mispronounced? Are you sure you want your actual name out there? I'm just kidding. I'm entirely sure.

I'm just kidding, Skinnis. I would never make fun of a Down syndrome comedian like that. I've got retard strength. I love you. You're adorable. How old are you? You look like you could be anywhere between fucking 18 and 75 right now. This is incredible.

I loved you as the president's assistant on one of my favorite shows ever, House of Cards. What was it again? Not Proctor. His name was Doug. Is it? Doug. Doug Stamper, that's right. Anybody remember that show?

Kevin Spacey, a good Christian, a real good Christian, believes in the Christian way. He's a very good friend. I love it. I'm so intrigued by you. How long have you been to win stand-up comedy? This is my third time. It's third time, everybody. Isn't that adorable?

He takes real balls to show up for a show like this. You have a really quiet voice, right? You don't project your voice at all. No, so I got a job at the Blind Pig, and I just started Memorial Weekend, and my voice is super shot. Where? What? The Blind Pig.

The Blind Pig. Yeah. Okay. What do you do there? Make cookies? Yeah, I'm a bitch boy. He makes cookies because he's a tiny elf. Come on, folks.

Oh. Okay. A hard-eyed, tiny elf. A tiny elf. I love it. Jacob. Believe it or not, I'm the tallest one in my family. Wow.

Look at that. From the Lollipop Guild or something like that? How the fuck is that possible? We work at Willy Wonka's factory. It's from a long line of shorties. I love it. It must suck to be that short and that bald because people can't help but see the top of your head all the time.

Listen, man. I started doing keeps. It was a lot worse three months ago. I love it. Hell, yeah. You're fighting the fight. I know what's going on up there. I know what happens when God tries to cancel certain things and you have to fight to keep

what you have. Jacob, tell us about what you do when you're not performing. You've had a whole life up until this point. Other than working, you've only done stand-up three times. What do you like to do for fun? You seem like you could really be the type of guy who likes to sit at a playground with a pair of binoculars and just fucking bottle of lotion and just let it rip. So, I just got here on Monday.

I've just been exploring the city. You're visiting from somewhere? I'm planning on moving here. From where? Connecticut. Oh, Connecticut. Yeah, I took a big road trip down the East Coast. I went out to Vegas and Sedona.

He was in a roller skate. Uh-huh, and then what happened? Are you all short? Why is nobody laughing at short jokes? You don't... Lewis does a joke and then has to do commentary about the joke afterwards. No, it's making me furious. You can just let it go.

No, Tony, this guy is short as fucking. Nobody will laugh at him. Trust me. It's making me furious. Lewis, take it from me. Take it from me. You don't want to yell at the audience for what they laugh or choose to not laugh at. It could be...

With a little magic editing, it could end up looking horrible for you. Very selective fucking editing. You almost really have to try really fucking hard to make someone look bad. But there's people that will do it to you. Maybe even your own opener. You never know. Look out. Uh, Jacob, tell us more about what you're into.

What type of fun things do you do? So, I got a degree in ornamental horticulture. Ornamental horticulture? He's an elf. Horticulture. Yeah, he really is an elf. After all this, we're going to find out Lewis was right about everything and had every reason to be bad. Ornamental horticulture?

Horticulture. I was like greenhouse growing. So, I got into like the medical marijuana business. Do you work at the North Pole? You like here in your off months? Well, Tony, I'm going to be honest with you. I live in Connecticut, but during the month of December. So, I got into like the weed industry and it was way too corporate.

I ended up working at greenhouses. I was a... The weed industry was way too corporate? Surprisingly. Look at everybody laughing at you. You should do that in your set, bro. In Connecticut, man, it's only medical and those motherfuckers were assholes. Like this old man was like, this is the best business I've ever run.

It's like, yeah, okay, man. You're talking about patients over profit, like just a bunch of bullshit. Did everyone there look down on you? Absolutely. I love it. You're like, this is way too corporate. I'm going to go work at the blind pig. So, Jacob, other than that, how about for fun?

What types of things? Are there serious hobbies that you're into? There must be something that you're good at, right? I was big into streaming on Twitch for a while. Where were you streaming? Just a bunch of video games. I'm really good at Rocket League. What do you do when you go out at night?

If you're like, I need to get out of the house. He just said he's really good at Rocket League. He does not go out at night. Minecraft in Rocket League, man. No, no Minecraft. Come on. What is it, Jacob? What's your ranking in Rocket League?

I was Grand Champ before. I really could give a fuck about your Rocket League shit. I'm sorry, Jesus. I'm sorry. When you go out, what do you do when you go out? I demand an answer to this question. Drink a bunch and smoke a lot of weed. Okay, but how do you do that?

Do you go to bars by yourself? Do you hang out with friends? I mean, yeah, in Austin, I moved here. I don't know anybody. So what do you do? How do you do that? Where have you been? I've been down on West 6th Street.

Go to Valhalla, just hang out, play video games there. And then I've been up here. I went to the blind. When's the last time you got laid? Tell the truth. Three weeks ago, four weeks ago in Miami. Whoa, in Miami? Yeah, in the back.

What's funny about Miami is they get so crazy. He probably had sex with like a Cuban 10. Like Miami is so fucking wild. He probably had a threesome with two fucking super models that are like, oh my God, I swear, I think that's fucking Jeff Bezos. Hey, you start talking about the little bit of money you made in cryptocurrency

and you're smoking weed on the beach and the bitches are like, who's smoking that weed? Is that what happened? That's literally what happened. Wow. You are a liar. I swear to God. You, no bitch came up to you on the beach

while you were smoking weed talking about cryptocurrency. Oh my God. He's only allowed to own Bitcoin. Yeah. Oh my God, look who's smoking that weed. Oh, it's that undercover cop over there just smoking weed. That's super young fucking. My God.

You look like if Matt Damon just had brain surgery. Matt Damon. He's white. I can do it. 2021, baby. Father. Hinchcliff. I am going to confession on the Sabbath.

I believe that's Sunday, I do believe. You know, I went to my high school. It was an all boys Catholic school. Oh, heart is a rock right now. Keep talking. I knew you'd like that. Ooh la la. Was it really?

I swear. Yeah. Were you into any extracurricular activities at that school? Yeah. I did choir. I did. I was in, I played football. Were you a light bottom or a heavy bottom?

Really heavy bottom. There you go. All right, Jacob. Well, it was fun to meet you. Let's get you. You know what, Jacob? It's only your third time on stage. I'm going to give you something really special.

You know what? A blow job. I can't wait. There you go. Ooh. Father Tony. Finally. There you go.

Wait, you played football? Briefly, yeah. You know, it's a tradition here that Adrian Cavazos makes joke books. And for good sets, we give big ones. And for rough sets, and it's your third set, which it's fine to have a rough set on this show. It's very hard. Expectations are high.

They get little tiny, adorable joke books. I'm going to give you one of these, but not only that, I'm going to give away something really special. Ladies and gentlemen, this is an Anton's handkerchief, everybody. Whoo. Whoo. This handkerchief hung from my Anton's, what's that jumpsuit that I had that I currently use

to change my oil with? But I pulled this handkerchief up. They told me it's a handkerchief. I think it could also be a single-use toilet paper, perhaps. Perhaps you can use it to wipe off your face after they throw you under a bus if they ever do that, which they will do any chance they get before anyone does, if you're wondering.

So there you go. There's a Kill Tony joke book and an Anton's very special toilet paper. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Jacob Skinner's, everybody, J-S-C-H. He corrected me, and don't correct people. Don't do that when you first go on stage, because your name is spelled Shin-As.

If you wanted people to say Skin-As, spell it Skin-As with a K. It's S-C-H. That's shh. It's Greek. I don't know what to tell you. There it goes, everybody, Jacob Skinner's. Drink some tea and honey. Work on your voice.

Can I get another double bourbon on the rocks? Double bourbon rocks. Double bourbon rocks for Luis J. Gomez. Everything's happening here. Hey, look, it's a young lady in a mask. How about a hand for that young lady? Lord knows she's probably here to write a blog about what she's seeing tonight.

I definitely don't trust people in masks anymore. That's a new fucking thing. Probably a journalist. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for your next comedian, Nate, everybody. Nate. Nugs for Nate. We're looking for Nate.

Here he comes. Where the girl in the mask go? She went to her back to her hive. Oh, she just literally went that way to the restroom. One more time for Nate, everybody. I have 12 brothers and sisters. That means my mom's taking more loads than our washing machine.

I mean, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that my house has more step stools than the Tom Cruise movie set and way more temper tantrums. I used to think my dad was crazy for having so many kids, but then I saw the size of his last few stimulus checks and I realized that man's a genius.

I have a thing for ants and I'm not talking about the little bugs that crawl around in the ground. I'm talking about your mom's sister. You see, they call me the aardvark because when I'm around, ants are fucked. That's all I got. All right, 50 seconds from Nate.

Welcome, Nate. Is there a reason why you just go by Nate? There's a minute. I don't know, something about this four letter name. I liked it. Okay, Nate. Nathan's what's on my birth certificate. Nathan is.

Yeah. Look at you. I want to hate you, but I love you. I love you too, Lewis. I hate him, but he's fucking so cool. It's that Jay Leno shirt. Look at that. Yeah, it is incredible.

Your dress like your parents accidentally left you in Chicago for Christmas weekend. You are dressed like a child, my friend. Every time, I just keep bonering up up here. It's incredible. How old are you? Believe it or not, I'm 27. I believe it.

I don't know why you would say that. If you were like, believe it or not, I'm 84. My child, I'd be like, whoa. That would have been my first guess. Yeah, 27? Yeah, 27. What do you do for work, Nate? I'm a server and then I'm also a door guy at Hyenas and Dallas.

Oh, okay. Hyenas and Dallas, a very famous club where I had a young man open up for me multiple times. Contrary to some interviews that he gave, I requested him. We found him on Kiltoni episode, I believe 375, Fort Worth, Texas. Fort Worth Hyenas, the last pull of the episode in which I described him as great and awesome and as a future. Wait, you didn't let him open up for New Year's. Yeah, no, yeah, two sold out New Year's Eve shows in Dallas as well after requesting him again.

His New Year's are ours. That's a good question. It was actually our New Year's. That's a good, that's a very good point. That's a good point, but yeah, so that's wild that you work at that Hyenas. I'm very good friends with the owner there. Totally didn't make a phone call to him after this happened and told him not to put anybody on a stage ever again. Definitely wouldn't do that to someone that headlines me three or four times a year every year for the last eight years.

But there you are, you're working there. What's the word on the scene up in Dallas about the Tony Hinch Club situation? It's a rough time to be a supporter of our loyal Lord and Savior here. That's why I'm in Austin now. I love it. You moved here? No, but I'm planning on it. Okay, awesome. And here you are.

Did you hurt your arm while you were holding it down? Yeah, so I had to run in with an angle grinder. I was trying to get a nut off. Seriously, I was trying to get a nut off. You are a silly child. Yeah. You are a silly child. It's not my first experience with grinder.

Oh, you son of a bitch, you did it again. Look at you, a real wordsmith over here. Okay, so tell us about you, Nate, other than stand-up comedy. What else are you into? Tell us about your life. Give us a good fun fact that would surprise us about you. I used to be a beekeeper. Okay.

Yeah. All right. A beekeeper? How'd you get into that business? I had a scholarship. I don't know, I guess it was like a friend of the family. A beekeeper, my dad was telling me about it. And I was like, fuck it, they're going to give me a hive.

I'll fucking see what it's about. Okay. All right, awesome. But I actually have an interesting bee fact. Yeah, give us a good bee fact. So the male bee is called a drone. And his only purpose in life is to fuck the queen. And he fucks so hard that his dick explodes off and then he dies.

Okay, there you go. Are you sure about that? Fun fact, look it up. Google it right now. I mean, I guess you can't now, but after the show. Yeah, phones are locked up, my bad. And that's also true if they sting something, they die too, right? Yeah, yeah.

Man, these guys just die for anything. I didn't realize bees stood for bitch, you know what I'm saying? These guys can't fuck, they can't hurt anybody, everything, they fucking die. That sucks. Why'd you stop though? That seems like a cool thing to do. I'm a bitch, I don't like getting stung. I got stung like twice and I was like, nope.

Twice? Yeah. You were over twice? Yeah, only a couple of times. I didn't get stung all that much. But I had a friend and he told me a story about a time he went out without a suit on and everything. And he got stung like 150 times. Yeah, that makes sense.

That's not going to be me. What's your love life like? I'm getting a... Nate, what's your love life like? You seem like a premature ejaculator. Let's find out about it there. Face the audience, look at these people. See, that's why you gotta be able to learn to shoot multiple rounds, Tony.

Okay, Anster, Mike, what's your love life like? Uh, I'm single. Uh-huh. How long's the last time you hooked up with a little lady? Couple months. Yeah, how would that happen? Was that on a date or was it a one night stand or was it someone that you have on the... So, it was just a friend that I knew for a while as a bar back.

She was a bartender. Okay. And I just kind of slid on it. How'd you slide on it? Give us an example of how such an innocent creature... His Bob Dole vibes. I won her over with my boyish charm, Tony. Yeah?

Yeah. What did she... Did you back it up? Uh, no, actually, not on this one. No? You didn't back it up? That's crazy because you're dressed like you work at Trader Joe's. So, I think that you would back it up.

Paper only there at Trader Joe's. Plastic is not an option. Incredible. Well, you're like, you better fuck me. I'm gonna settle these bees loose right now. Yeah. Give me some of that honey or else this is gonna sting. I love it.

What else about you? You have any special talents? Are you good at anything? You just fucking... No. I can roll a backward one-handed. You could what? I can roll a backward one-handed.

I found that out recently. Roll a backward one-handed? Yeah. Even with your current injury? Yeah, that's how I found out I can do it. How long... What about a white owl? I'll give it a shot.

I'm sure I can. How long will it take? I mean, I could try it. I haven't done it with a white owl, but I mean, if you... I can give it a shot now if you want me to. All right. Well, I mean, this sounds like the dumbest thing in the history of podcasting. But I guess we'll try it anyway.

I can't unpack it, though. That's what I'm talking about. We're gonna watch the... Yeah. No, fuck this. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it.

This is stupid. Bob, don't. Nate, we're gonna keep it moving along. Thank you so much. Thanks for making the trip for Dallas. Thank you. Spread the good word. And here you go, Nate.

There's the brand new Adrian Cavazos. Hey, Nate. Son of a bitch, already in his own head. Already giving himself notes on his way. I should have fucking... Why did I admit to the beekeeper thing? God damn it. Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time where I bring up another one of our amazing regulars

that has the impossible job, yet somehow always comes through of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week on this show. This young man's been killing it everywhere. And I know for a fact that he's opening up a couple of the shows with Joe Rogan this week here that are sold out, which is a big opportunity and promotion for him. So he's coming off a big week, having his own show here last night. Everything's all happening for this guy. A true Kill Tony regular.

I present to you the great David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. Yeah. I think that eating booty is for niggas that need a place to live. It's like, bitch, I got way too much money to eat your ass. I got two kids, but I want another baby mama. I want to have a kid with an Asian chick. That way, when we have a son, I can make him wear the Jordans we're going to wear.

Like, I don't have any Asian hate in my heart. All I wear is Nikes and Adidas. I went, I was in Vegas like two weeks ago and I went to this 50 themes diner and I asked the waitress, should I enter through the back? Y'all will catch it later. Fuck yeah, David Lucas has the responsibility of writing a new minute every week. And a couple of those were a couple of my favorite jokes I've heard so far tonight. Incredible stuff as always.

You're a fucking machine, dude. Absolutely. Look at you. You've been, you know, there's anything I learned the last couple of weeks is that the Lord works in mysterious ways. It appears as though you have your... You've been having dick confessionals. All right.

You know what? No, we're not going there anymore, David. I'm a changed man, so I can't make fun of you. Unless you change your race, I can't make fun of you. Hard days, hard days of going at one another or over. I'm a changed man. God damn. I have been saved and forgiven.

Maybe if I hit you with like three more jokes, you'll... You did say that you, you promised me that I told you, you always dress so safe on this show. Like if you see David every other day of the week, he's dressed like a fucking pirate and wearing shit. And I roast him so hard and I'm like, please wear that on a fucking Monday. He's like, I promise you, man, next Monday I'll wear something that you can make fun of.

And every fucking Monday, I know when you're making that final decision, you're like, no, I'm going to go plain ass fucking... I ain't washing no clothes, bro. Yeah, right. Like you wash your own clothes. You right, shit. David's got more fucking hose than Martha Stewart. And I know you're not washing your own fucking clothes.

You write about that shit, bro. I make them bitches do it. It must suck though. You can probably only put like two shirts in a tie. I thought you wasn't roasting, motherfucker. Hey, that, that was a Christian joke. The Lord's Saveth. I mean, that was, that was just a joke about a large load of laundry.

You know what I mean? I didn't say anything about the whites and colors or anything like that. Laundry reference. Don't edit that out of context now. That was a good one. Louis J, what up, dawg? I see you staring at me, motherfucker. No, bro.

You my nigga, bro. You waiting for me to say some shit and then you're just gonna trash me for like eight minutes in a row. I'm not stupid. You, you oil sidekick. Shut up, you fucking piece of shit. I'm not afraid of you. I'll fuck you up, dawg.

Louis, you look like a Mexican sleep paralysis demon. Louis, did you know David started doing kill Tony because he heard there was a bucket and he thought there was going to be checking in it. Oh, shit. If you don't shut your Paul Barra looking ass up. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. You look like the butcher for the insane clown posse.

You look like my shadow. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. You look like you get suicidal when there's a beef shortage. Oh, David, you truly are an N word and nobody. Wow. I love it. Hey, bro, you look like an albino catfish.

You guys are amazing. This is incredible. Just glad I get to sit back and enjoy the show like a good, like a reformed man. This is real fat on fat crime. I need to pass. It is. You guys look like it's like this is like a weird version of like spy versus spy or something like that.

The black version in the world versus pie. Oh, my God. And you know these guys, right, David? You guys have been working together this week. I did a show with them Thursday. Yeah, David Lucas is one of the funniest motherfuckers coming up right now. We all know that. Yeah, you're the fucking man, brother.

We all know that. Yeah. My dog. I'm on the Skankfest in November. Yeah, you are. Steakfest. Steakfest? Yeah.

That's Red Band's festival. You don't take a shower. No, that's what he says. You don't take a shower for four days and just go to Red Band house. Oh, Jesus. It's good that you're taking a break from Lobsterfest to be at Skankfest this year. You be sprinkling holy water on people with your dick. Okay.

That is not true. You know that that's not true. What's on that shirt there that you're wearing? Icon. Barbecue sauce. What is that logo? Is that some type of, what font is that? I could cut a patch of lasagna off your back.

Maranello smelling motherfucker. Your fingers look like brand sticks, nigga. Oh, shit. David Lucas is here. Yeah. I love it. How long you in town for this trip? I got to leave Thursday to take you.

When are you moving here, man? You should be here. I live here. He does. Yeah. He absolutely does. He lives, he takes up all the space between Brazos and Congress. There's a large part of downtown.

There's an entire homeless encampment underneath his belly right now. Tony, your whole house looks like a women's bathroom. Wait. What? Hell yeah. My old house? Your whole house. My whole house looks like a women's bathroom?

Yeah. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You'll figure it out. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You make niggas put their booty to the window when they give confessions. Oh, my God. You do be doing that, Tony.

You do be doing that. I do. And then I make their booties do Ten Hail Marys and in Our Father, which I learned this week. It is, I do believe it, the power of Christ compels you is how that one starts. Anyway. Yeah. David, anything else that we're missing or? Shit, I got a new tattoo in the back of my head from my grandfather.

Really? What does it say? Let's see it. It says, it's pretty much words for everybody to live by. Oh, wait, wait. Is that the ingredients to a Bundt cake? No, son of a bitch. Son of a bitch.

You think I really cared about the tattoo for your grandfather? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you forget that I live the life of a man whose house looks like a women's bathroom? Ah, you motherfucker. You set me up good. Acting like you gave a shit. That looks beautiful. Your grandfather's fucking looking down on us right now.

He loved it. He hated white people, bro. I bet. I bet. He really did. He really did. I'm not even lying. He hated it.

What did he hate about white people? I don't know, but I remember I was dating this girl named Martha in the fourth grade. He was like, fuck it with them white girls, gonna get you hung. I mean, he grew up in Georgia and he was born in like 1930s. Wow. You were hooking up with white girls in the fourth grade? Yeah, bro. I was ready.

He was 14. You lost over Jenny to a pot roast. Keep on going, nigga. I knew I shouldn't have fucked you since that movie where you fucked Godzilla. Your hair looked like you bit into some electric spaghetti. Oh my God. Wow. David, I mean, you're just unbelievable.

Always a killer minute. Thank you, bro. A fire fucking roaster. I love your association with us. I love that you're part of our family coming here, not missing episodes, hustling all around everywhere and doing the road and opening for Rogan and opening for me. Doing it all. One more time for the great David Lucas, everybody.

What a fun, this is fun here. I think I like the show at Vulcan. This place is fucking rock and roll. Way better. Way better. How about a hand for the staff here at Vulcan? Fuck yeah. They're hustling.

Tip them. Tip them well. Take care of these people. And also can I get an extra double bourbon on the rocks? One more double bourbon on the rocks for Louis J. I will say, you know, Anton's was a cool venue. They had a cool green room. The room was small, but intimate, but cool, I'd say.

But my God, the service was just god-awful there. I wasn't able to say it the few months that we've been there. But you know what? Once they tweeted that they are against any form of racism, makes it so much easier to criticize someone. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, you play the blues, so you don't know that that's a comedy show and that it's everyone's warned that there's going to be offensive stuff.

And they're warned not to video record. But now Anton's just couldn't wait. Crazy. Because we supported their business every single week, a sold-out show for five months. Pretty crazy, right? Unbelievable. I'm not boycotting them. I'm not talking shit.

You get to make your own decision on that one. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of David Sentafonte, everyone. David Sentafonte. Oh my God, there is a blind man walking around, and I want him to get pulled out of the bucket so badly. Yes. What is his name? Find out his name. Did he sign up?

I need a blind guy. One more time for David Sentafonte, everybody. Come on. In 2015, my friend Julie asked me to help pay for her abortion. It wasn't my kid. I'm just that friend. And I also said yes, because I'm also that friend. So I drove to the bank.

I got the $600. When I was driving back, she told me she worked it out with the guy. Yeah, that kid is six now, and he's a piece of shit. He kicked me in the shin and called me fat. I'm like, I almost paid to have you murdered. Yeah, it's far more expensive to kill a six-year-old. But the look in the mom's eyes, she regrets it, you know? But there's way more bones.

Way more bones. Why do Jews complain about slavery? Like, you don't have the muscles. Was that shit last season? Oh, no. Whoa. Whoa there. David Sentafonte with a 55-second-long abortion joke

in 10 seconds of just hating Jews for no reason. There's plenty of reasons. Just squeezing that in there. Reed from Palestine? Israel. Detroit. What are you? Me, I'm Italian Jewish.

You really are. Yeah. Wow, look at that. All right. Italian Jewish. Father's Italian mom's Jewish? Nailed it. Has to be.

That's the only way that could possibly be. No way a Jewish guy's bagging a 100% Italian lady. That's just impossible. So your mom's got big Jew tits, right? Oh, God. That's where you get them from? David Sentafonte. Also, Jewish people aren't allowed to say nailed it.

Okay. That's good. Yeah. David, you've been on this show before. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Been doing it for five years. All right. All of it.

You were in LA for a while, right? I was in LA for a while, yeah. How long? I was there for four years. Okay. I just moved out here four months ago. Awesome. How do you like Austin?

I'm loving it, man. I bet. Yeah, exactly. Dude, there's so much barbecue. I knew you loved McDonald's, but now it's just proof. Didn't realize they were a sponsor. So, David, what do you love about Austin? Tell us more about it.

What are your favorite things about this place? So the barbecue and the woman. The barbecue and the woman? Yes. Just the one. The one. There's just one woman. I only saw her once.

It was at that barbecue place. Never saw her since. No, one woman. He turned her into barbecue. The barbecue and the woman. The one that got away. You've been hooking up with women out here? Fortunately, yes.

Wow. I met one at a show in Georgetown and she's a divorcee. Oh, shit. Hooking up with that Georgetown post. Fuck, yeah. This guy's got to go through half a gas tank to fucking get laid. Bro, if you don't mind. This guy's got to go 35 minutes out of town.

This is what fucking Ben Affleck looks like. Oh, my God. A divorcee, huh? So what'd you do? You took her back to the house that she inherited or whatever? Yeah, exactly. Really? Is that true?

He's paying for everything. Oh, my God. She homeschools the kids. She don't do shit, but she's loving it. Wow. She's loving it, too. I love that. Absolutely.

My God. I feel like there's going to be a McNugget falling out of his pocket any second now. Hey, BTS, get your BTS meal right now for McDonald's. We're a huge supporter of BTS. What the fuck are you talking about? Literally, nobody knows what you're talking about. Oh, they know. They're loving it.

Why don't you explain it so that even if it is funny, we'll know if it's funny. The new BTS Happy Meal is one of the greatest things. What is BTS stand for? Oh, one of the biggest Asian pop bands have teamed up with McDonald's right now and they have their own meal. Oh, yeah. I'm totally loving it. Anyway, way to really push that BTS Happy Meal joke, Red Band.

I'm loving it. Totally worth it. I love it. David Sentifanti, tell us a fun fact about you that we don't know that we would love to know that would be interesting in this interview part of Kill Tony. You know how this show works. Before Stand of Comedy, I sang opera and also my sister I just found out is a stripper. Okay.

So throw it all out there. I love it. I'm glad it's not the other way around. We all knew your sister was a stripper, David. She's always been hoeing around. We know it. How many of you guys want to hear some opera here? David Sentifanti.

How many of you guys want to watch your sister strip? Well, I mean, unfortunately, I'm pretty sure this... Unless the sister is what's hiding under his t-shirt right now. Pretty sure we're just going to be stuck with the opera here. He ate the cake she was supposed to jump out of. Come on. Really use your pipes for us. Here it is, a little opera from David Sentifanti.

Wow. Absolutely unbelievable. Provisimo. If you were a lady, the show would be over. Oh my goodness. That was awesome. That is absolutely incredible. Like a fucking Pavarotti, only fuck divorces.

That's amazing. You ever use that to do anything special or get anything special? Does that work with the ladies? Oh, yeah. Then the first night I over at her house, she clarified she had a gun in the house. So it was like cold energy, but I was like, let me sing for you.

Serenade cooked for her and it just... Wow, what did you cook? Italian or Jewish? Pretty much all. Oh, wow, really? Did you hit her in the forehead with your little matzo balls? Love that. Incredible.

All right. Well, I'll tell you, great stuff, David Sentifanti. We liked your set. Great stuff. We're going to give you a... Did we like it? How many of you like David Sentifanti, huh? There you go.

It's official. David, The Big Kill Tony Joke Book, made by Adrian Cavazos. Great stuff, my friend. Where's the mic stand at? Appreciate you, boys. You know where that is? There it is.

All right. Come on, everybody. He's wearing his hotel curtains as a shirt today. Jesus Christ. What is up with you giving somebody a book? You're like... I like making them reach for it. I like making them reach for it, Red Band.

It's a power thing. You understand? Yeah, I've noticed that. It's a power thing. It's all psychology. Okay. This sounds like my kind of person here. This is a new name, but I'm just going to say it.

I'm sure he's here. Make some noise for Guy Brown. Guy Brown is next on Kill Tony. How many of you love H.E.B.? All right. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Guy Brown. Hey, what's up, Austin?

I fucking love this city. I've been here for five years. I've done a lot of things I thought I could never do. For instance, I've lost 50 pounds. Yeah. Thank you. I used to look like a fat Aaron Rodgers, but now I just look like an autistic Aaron Rodgers.

I wonder if anybody ever walked up to Aaron Rodgers and goes, hey, anybody ever tell you look like a non-autistic Guy Brown? Shit, man. Being in shape, doing stand-up comedy. It's a lot harder than you think, man. I finally know how Seth Rogen feels after he lost his weight. Not funny at all. Yeah.

Thank you. I'm just going to end on a pun. I picked up working two shifts at McDonald's. You could say I worked at McDouble. It's for you, Red Band. There it is. Thank you. There it is.

A lot of McDonald's references here. Shout out to the new BTS Happy Meal. Yes. Totally know about that. Welcome to the show, Guy Brown. How are you, my friend? I'm doing good. How are you?

Good. Good. I love it. Welcome. This is your first time, right? Six years accumulated. I took breaks in between. Six years accumulated.

Where are you from originally? Milwaukee. Milwaukee. That's so fucking fucked up there. I was going to guess Wisconsin. Yeah. I could feel it. You feel like fucking cheese and snow and bullshit.

I bleed cheese, man. Yeah. Absolutely. Why is your hand in your pocket? Sorry, man. Just making sure. We keep phones locked up and hands out of pockets nowadays. The whole thing basically is like,

it's like you're getting arrested being at the show now. Okey-dokey. I love it. Are you a good guy or a bad guy? I could be either. What's the worst thing you've ever done? Rip the child. Bingo.

Okay. No, just kidding. Let's let them answer these ones, Lewis. I was guessing. Oh shit. I don't know if he was asking him. Oh, I remember. Okay.

Mate, it's one of the worst things I did. I remember when I was in Madison, I did the comedy club on state. And I remember I was so drunk that, you know that parking garage behind the comedy club? Uh-huh. I remember I was just like peeing off the top of it. And all of a sudden I looked down and I'm like,

fuck, I just peed on a cop car. Wow. Before I defund the police. Before it was cool. Okay. Did they notice? They followed me for a minute. I was like, I was in my car.

I don't know why I fucking drove. But they followed me for a minute and then he turned. I was like, oh my God. Wow. Thank God you're Guy Brown and not a brown guy. I know, right? Hey, there it is. Do you realize how many times I get pulled over

and you're like, shit, that's not a brown guy. There you go. Guy, you ever... It was like your joke, but the same. Guy, you ever get hit in the head really hard with anything or fall really hard on your head? Is it lispy or a little bit wackadoo? You know that?

Oh yeah, without doubt. What do you think that comes from? Is that just genetic or is it something that happened? A rollerblading accident perhaps? I did have a concussion at work two years ago. How'd you get that concussion? Fucking beam fell on my head. A beam fell on your head.

Did you start talking and thinking a little bit differently after that? I remember I passed out on the forklift. For like maybe a half hour. I didn't report the accident because I was smoking weed and I was like, I didn't want to get fucking fired, man. Right, passed out on a forklift. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

My God. That's how we put Zach to bed. Wow. How about your love life? What's that like? Do you eat pussy with a lispy mouth like that? That does work. I've been told I eat pussy good.

I've been told I eat pussy good, Tony. I swear to God. When I start eating that pussy, the women just go ecstatic. We need to put the mic in the mic stand for a second. I want you to face the audience. I want you to face that camera that's straight out there. You see that little motherfucker, the people.

That is hundreds of thousands of people watching you right now and they want to see you look straight into that camera and show us with your mouth how you eat pussy. Here it is. Guy Brown going to show us. Here it is. No, Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy. Stop.

Everybody stop. You're right next to me. So you should be the first to stop when you see me going, everybody stop. I don't think two are having fun. I don't think two live crew. Guy, this is very important. I want you to have an imaginary pussy in front of your mouth.

I don't want you to use the microphone as a fucking pussy. All right? A, it doesn't look like a pussy. B, we want people to see exactly what you're doing. We can imagine the pussy. See, we know how Tony feels about people who will eat a pussy. Absolutely. There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Guy Brown eating a pussy. Here we go. Oh, I love the head shake. There is a lot of teeth in that pussy eating. When Guy eats a pussy, he literally eats the pussy. There's a lot of teeth. There was a lot of smiling in the pussy. There was a lot of fucking, there was a head shake at one point.

Does that work? You just put the nose in there and just go side to side? Sometimes, man. Wow. My goodness. You gotta give him something sexy, bro. You can't be giving it to him. Yeah, that's true.

That's what really bad eat pussy to. There you go. Show us how you really eat a pussy. Wait, what is that? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Stop.

Everybody's shut up. What were you holding on to underneath there? Squeeze the numb booty, chicks. You're going over. That's a big ass bitch. You're going over the thighs. You're going over the thighs and down. Honestly, I don't think I've ever eaten anyone out standing up.

This is really hard to do. I don't know. Should I just pretend she's sitting down up here? All right. Let's skip to that part right there. Pretend she isn't a giant. Let's skip to that part. No.

Wait. Let's skip. Here, I'm just going to go like that. And then I want you to do that. Let's skip to that part. No. Wait. Let's skip.

Here, I'm just going to go like that. And then I want you to show us. Guy, don't even think about it. When I say it, just do it. Look out at the audience. Now show us how you suck cock. Wow. He went with it.

There were two dicks there for a second. What we learned is he eats pussy and sucks dick like a bored man, everybody. How do you suck a dick, man? You're the pastor. Show me. You shut the fuck up, you little fucking. How dare you, you fucking little faggot. I'm done.

I'm done with Christianity. I'm back to my old ways. Oh shit. That's all it took. Ask me how I suck dick, you motherfucker. Everybody knows how I suck dick all the way to the base. I'm like a goddamn BTS Happy Meal. You'll find out about me somehow.

All right. You get in the dick root. That's it. There you go. Guy Brown, I like your style, man. Fun stuff. Did you really lose 50 pounds? Yeah.

Why'd you lose it? Yeah. What's your trick? I didn't like the no-carbs thing. You only ate pussy? There ain't no carbs in pussy. That's true. You son of a bitch.

Are you still on the diet right now? I'm getting back on it, man. God, we all are. I know that fucking brisket, man. That no-carb diet works, but the second you stop, you're getting right back on that journey. Oh, I know. I went like seven months, no beer.

Holy fuck, dude. That hit different, man. Yeah. Seven months, brisket only. Thank you. There's a little joke book for you, my friend. I have one more hand for Guy Brown, everybody. There he goes.

Tony, call me a faggot! Whoo! On to the next one. He's gonna tweet that. Yeah, that's okay, though. What we learned is that it has to be their month for it to really... Tony, tomorrow is their month.

And trust me. Is it really? Yes. Oh, shit. God damn it. Why didn't anyone tell me it's faggot heritage month? We're gonna edit that part out for sure. You'll see.

You'll see. Maybe just a beep on that one. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. I didn't say... I went eight years without saying that word combination.

Now prepare to hear it every episode. Just kidding. Just kidding. You're allowed to say it. Am I allowed to say just kidding? No, I'm allowed to say faggot. Yeah, I get called it by strangers on the street, so... Trust me.

That's just because they can see and hear you. And, well... And, yes. I also get called it now on... Instagram comments and direct messages as well. Usually... Totally translate. Yes, Google Translate.

Something faggot. Die. Corona. Your mother. Fuck you. You fuck. Very interesting insults I've been getting the past two weeks. Wild stuff.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Brett Forte, everyone. Brett Forte. Here. Week. Go. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Come on. The official Kill Tony band,

currently brought to you by a whistle pig, Whiskey. Here he is, Brett Forte. Let's get to know you guys as a group. Make some noise if you're under 30. Who's under 30? Alright, here's my problem with you people. I'm one of you, but I just... There's a disconnect, man.

I went on a date with a girl my age. I asked a very normal question. I said, have you been on any bad dates recently? She goes, yep. You accumulate quite a few of those after you slept with 140 guys. Yeah, any takers? 140?

No. Because that territory's been explored. Thoroughly, I'd say, all the explorers have been there. Hey, Jacques Couture, Jacques Coutier, fucking Dora. They've all planted. At this point, Google's got Street View on it. I'm telling this last week, in this city, I got a young dude, okay?

Like yourself, front row. He hears the 140. He goes, hawk it out there, dude. Gas it, bro. Gas it, bro. He's doing this with his hand. For the adults in the room, a gas pedal is usually symbolized with the foot, right? For his Gen Z brain, it was an Xbox controller.

Gas it, dude. Run. Tap A, dude. Fucking open her door. Press Y. Loser. I'm Brad Forte. Thank you. Yeah, Brad Forte. Okay, coming in. Lots of confidence. Absolute swagger.

Good-looking guy. Really good-looking guy. You know what? Such a good-looking guy. Give me a little priest caller back. I'm gonna fuck this guy. I'm kidding. You hold on to that. You hold on to that.

Brett, how are you? Welcome to the show, man. Look at you. Good-looking guys are very rarely at all in any way, shape, or form funny whatsoever. And then there's you. What's the deal? Your parents died when you were young or something?

How are you a little bit funny? That's crazy. Divorce, for sure, right? Divorce parents? No. Really? They're still together? Still together? Wow, you're an anomaly. Son of a stripper.

Okay. You're not just an ordinary stripper. My mom in Canada was Miss Stag Exotica Canada five years in a row. That's right. The Oilers won four championships in the 80s. My mom took home five. She's a fucking dynasty.

Jesus. He's doing bits and I hate him now. Yeah. When you hear that, that means red band thinks you're a little bit wacky, Brett. Yeah. Idiot. Yeah.

Brett, you're from Canada? Do the n-word. Do the n-word. Brett, you're from Canada originally, then? Yeah, man. My country's in a bad position right now, so I'm here to get as much stage time as possible before it reopens. Absolutely.

You got to do it while it's still plausible. Yeah. What do you do for work? I stand up, man. I tour Canada. Really? You eat yuck-yuck sky? Yes.

Okay. I can tell this guy's got chops. The way he's very physical. I can tell he's been doing it a while. That's almost choreography within the stand up, so I can tell you've been doing it a little bit of time. Absolutely. I mean, look at this guy.

He's like fucking Canadian James Franco over here. I look like Freddie Mercury with more AIDS, I've been told. That's weird that you and I would both get the same joke like that, because I get that like every day. Can I get something off my chest, man? What is it? A pile of cum?

I'm pretty... That's good. That's good. You can, but can you do more unnecessary act-outs with it? Without the collar, though, man, now you look like the landlord of a glory hole. It's inch changed. All right, wow.

Oh, don't beat up on the host. No, man, I got a lot of respect for you, man, because of what you just went through. Thank you. I went through a similar situation in Canada in November. You did? What happened in Canada? Well, no one gives a shit.

That's why you didn't hear about it, right? Right. Because it happened in Canada. I'm kind of lucky. It didn't make TMZ, but I made a joke about a turban. This guy saved a woman out of the river using his turban. I praised the guy. Essentially, I said, you know,

he used it like a whip, like a lasso. This guy's East Indiana Jones. That's great. Right, it's adorable. Now, it's an undeniably funny joke, but if you were to isolate just... I mean, hold on a second. Hold on.

It's undeniably timely and clever. He has the same ego as you, Tony. He's Canadian Tony. Well, I mean, you also have to calibrate it for... That's a Canadian exchange, though. Like, I mean... Yeah. If I was in Canada,

I'd literally be walking on water all the time. Every time he starts speaking, I like him, and by the time he finishes his sentence, I fucking hate him. Yeah. I have confidence because I can walk in and do a spot at the comedy story. He has confidence because he can walk in

and go to a yuck yuck. That's what I say every time he does a bit. Yuck yuck. Okay, Brett, tell us more about you. Go ahead. What happened with the... What happened with the turban? Well, essentially, man, I got ping-danged.

Okay? The same fucking thing happened. If you were to isolate just the part where I'm mimicking the fucking mic cord as a turban going, ''Bang it, I save you.'' You know, if you isolate... I knew there was an act out with that fucking joke.

Yeah. Yeah. And if you were to post just that 10 seconds, for example, on a Sikh's meme page with over 200,000 followers on the anniversary of the 84 genocide, similar situation, man. I lost my CBC special.

It got pulled immediately. I lost my album deal, my first ever. Oh, my God. Your center of disease control special? Yeah, it's over. CBC. Oh, CBC. It wasn't that bad.

The Canadian broadcast crap fest. My red band left the show. Really? You have a Canadian red band? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. What? Oh, my goodness.

Bizarro world. He had a much music audition. Yeah. He was gonna fuck a mountain. He lost a lot, I understand. My goodness. Wow, that sucks. Did you recover from it?

Like, how long did it take or what happened? Yeah, was your cancellation like mine? Did your career blow up? No, it did not. Really? It didn't get better? I don't know about you. You got dropped by your agency, right?

Yeah, but maybe I immediately, if I maybe shouldn't brag about it, but maybe I immediately got signed to a totally different hungry or bigger agent. Maybe. Maybe I did. Maybe I did. I'll tell you this.

If I did, I wouldn't brag about it on the show right now. That's so ballsy, man. No, I fucking, my management and everything told me to be quiet and I wanted to fight back, but I kind of just, you know what I did? I visited the Guaduara, their place of prayer. I sat in a circle with 12 sick elders and discussed the lines in their,

No, it's pronounced sick and I would know that because I got absolution. I went there, man. Wow. I sat in a circle and we talked about what's, what's allowed to be joked about. You went and talked with the people, with the turbans. It was so Larry David, man.

I sat in a circle and I was asking them like, they're telling me, You are just like Larry David. You're right. Hold on. Hold on. Stop, stop, stop. Okay.

So you're sitting in a circle with these 12 guys, right? Yeah. And you're like, please help me figure out what the fuck's up. And then what happened? Well, essentially I was trying to get, where is the line in the sand? I was trying to figure it out because they know the sand.

I know the sand. Yeah. I don't think, I don't think you realize this isn't the way to go about this. Where's the line in the sand? You know, the, the plane, the plane doesn't fall far from the World Trade Center. Right.

You have to watch your analogies, bro. This shit's out of control. Line in the sand. My God. It was just, they show me their 10 gurus and then they show me this guy that's saving the farmers in Pakistan. And I went,

okay, first thing that came to my mind is that guy. Yeah. I think he went up first tonight. Yeah. I said, I said, that guy's got a bit of guru, you know, right? Is that, am I allowed to say that?

And then he went, no, that's not okay. And then I made, I was like, you know what, I'd be happy to do anything for you guys. There was a basketball lodged in the roof. I was like, I'll get the ball for you. I'll climb up, or if you guys could just tie your turbines together,

that would be, they didn't like that. I'm trying to find some. Are you serious? I'm battling for us. That's fucking us. This is all for a joke. This is all for a joke.

I'm battling for us. I'm not, I'm there to fucking, you got to come halfway as well. Hold on. Stop. This is all for a joke that you did on stage once in Canada?

Not once. I did it for fucking three years. And then, then it became offensive. Oh, wow. Oh, so it was like on the internet. It happened in Calgary. It happened first in Kamloops, British Columbia.

And then it happened in Calgary, which made it more recent, but it wasn't relevant anymore. Now it was racist because of the time we're in. That's, that's amazing that you went through that, man. That's fucking cool that you,

you had this almost the same story as Tony. No, not really. For it to be the same story, hold on. No, I'm going to take over for a second. For it to be the same story, you would have to do that joke in front of that man and he would have to record you

and he would have to want to blow up his own career. Yeah. And then he would, oh, I'm not fucking done. And then he would have to take that video himself to make it look like it was taken by an audience member and then he would have to edit it himself

down to the very millisecond to make it look truly as horrible as possible. And then it would have to be, not only at a time in which they literally were trying to do anti, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is the word, Middle Eastern hate or whatever the word would be, during magically coincidence,

Middle Eastern month. And then he would have to try to help his own career by releasing it under a type of caption that really claims victimhood, but someone else did all that to you. So we have a totally different story. Yeah. Hey, are you, are you here Thursday?

Yes, I am. I would love to have you on the secret show here at Vulcan Gas Cafe. Wow, look at that, he just got himself a spot. Take that joke book. There you go. Thanks for making it so that I didn't have to reach far to give it to you.

Fucking awesome. That's fucking awesome to me. That's a cool story. Look at that. It's actually, it's the secret show. It's for all Sikhs. Sikhs. It's all Sikhs.

What do you think? One more bucket pool? Should we go to the bucket one more time, huh? Oh, that's right. Red Band reminded me that we have not had a female comedian yet. Should we pull until we get a lady out? Wait a second.

The first one I pulled is Stevana Delgado. Is that a lady? Is this a Stevana Delgado? Is that you? Go that way if it is. Oh, it's not her. It's a girl. Yeah.

Awesome. Here she is. Stevana Delgado. Hello. I feel like 2020 did something crazy to the internet. Like shifted it in a whole new way. Like people be posting blogs now. Just talking about anything, posting like really,

really personal stuff like this one girl on my Instagram. I clicked her story and she posted a picture of herself holding onto a tiny glass bottle with white dust inside. And she captioned it, partying with my best friend for my birthday. So I slid inside her DMs and I was like, can I have a hit of that coke? And she was like, this is my best friend's ashes.

I didn't know what to say. I was just like, damn, she looks like a lot of fun then. I don't know. But I saw my best friend the next day and I was like, girl, I would never carry your ashes around like that. She's like, you wouldn't. I was like, hell no, I could not stand to lose you twice. Wow.

Stevana Delgado. She must not be from Austin. No, from LA. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Very, very, I mean, not only would I say that, I'm just going with my gut here. And Lewis just whispered it in my ear too.

I would say, I think we both agree that you not only were the best of the night, but I think also you may have been one of the funniest appearances by a female we've ever had here in Austin, Texas. Yep, 100%. All rock solid, rock solid jokes. I've been trying to get on this fucking show for like two fucking years.

It never happened. So I was like, I put you on my vision board. So if y'all want to get up on here. I love that. Cut his face up, put it on your board. So the first thing you see every morning is him and you could be here too. Yo, I'm dead ass.

Those were, both of those jokes were incredible. They were great jokes. Thank you. I was so impressed because I was not expecting that. You come up because you're a hot little tiny fucking Hispanic chick. You look like you're dangerous. You look like you're going to be a problem.

Oh. And she came out and fucking killed it. Very, very impressive. Thank you so much. One of the best killed Tony debuts I've ever seen. Period. I'm going to pee. I'm so excited.

That's incredible. Hell yeah. I love it. What, you're Mexican? Yeah, I'm Mexican. Born and raised in LA? Yes. Okay.

What do you, what do you do for a living? Where are you a cashier at? Did you see a cashier? Yeah. I was a cashier at a gas station. Hello. Two years, baby. I just left.

Still got it. Three weeks off and I'm still dialed in. I know a fucking cashier energy when I see one. What do you do for work now? I run an online business. Oh yeah? What kind of online business? I sell shampoo, skincare, hair care, all that stuff.

What do you do, what do you do for fun? I just like to... Sell sliced mangoes in a Ziploc bag. I do. I like to actually eat hot Cheetos on Instagram Live with lemon and tapatio and like mangoes and I like to do story times a lot. Like I like to tell a lot about shit that goes on. Oh shit.

Story times? Yeah. You read stories? No. I just tell stories about what happens in my life. Like gas station stories, shit like that. Fuck yeah. Oh she's a snitcher.

I mean twitcher. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm a snitch. But it's funny though. It's funny though. Everybody will like it though. It's funny.

I love it. That's incredible. Yeah. I can't even put my finger on it. She's wild. You're great. Thank you. How long have you been doing comedy?

Huh? How long have you been doing comedy? I did it for a year and then like the pandemic happened. I don't know if you want to count that because I wasn't really able to do any. Wow. Like any of that stuff. Really? But I came back here.

How old are you? I'm 26. Okay. Well enough. Yeah. It is incredible though. Your sense of humor. Very, very funny.

I literally, it's not that the joke was that funny, but it's the first one. The first. No listen. Listen. Stevon, relax. If there's anything we've learned the last couple of weeks, it's the comedy subjective. I didn't get to finish what I was saying. That's what happens when you edit what I was going to say down to just a few seconds.

It was at that point she pulled the razor blade from her titties. Yeah. But what I was saying was that the first punchline that you hit about the ashes or that it not being cocaine, but ashes, I was not expecting it and I had a drink. I had just put a drink in my mouth and I was so surprised to hear that that you really almost got a spit take out of me, which is very rare. Yeah, that happens sometimes. She's talking about herself.

She's talking about herself. We all know I'm not a spitter. Don't you dare. I'm a man of the Lord. I swallow everything down. I love it. Stefano, what's your love life like? You seem like you would just be the craziest ex-girlfriend of them all.

I mean, you seem like the fucking queen bee of crazy exes. I'm here with my boyfriend. He's the one that you gave the first Ridge Wallet to. Oh, really? You're talking about fucking a... Frank. Yeah. A little envelope.

Frank. Uoda or Uenda. That what? Yoloda. Uyoah. Uola. You fucking made him quit his job after. Well, no, I didn't make him quit his job.

I gave him a Ridge Wallet by our amazing sponsors, Ridge Wallet, that had $500 in it and he quit his job. It was a thousand. It was a thousand and then he quit his job. It was a thousand? $500. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

That's exactly what happened and we laughed for weeks because we're like, can you believe that fucking guy quit his job? It was a thousand dollars cash inside of a Ridge Wallet. He's like, I'll never have to work again. Do Mexicans show up here just because they hear it's a lottery mic? I love it. That's so great. How long you been with Frank?

We've been together for four years. Four years, yeah. I love it. Wow. That is incredible. We met on Lyft. Okay. Of course.

I love it. That's not a dating app. I was a driver. I love it. You were the driver. What kind of Lyft did you guys meet on? The kind that lifts you up the wall at the border? Oh, come on.

Tony. Like an elevator. I was just taking him to the basketball gym. I don't know. You know what? Why don't you stay up here? Why don't you introduce your boyfriend? He'll do a minute.

Okay. And then introduce him. Say his name. Say ladies and gentlemen, Frank. Uyowa. Yes. Uyowa. Put it all together.

Introduce him. Oh, yes. My backpack. All right. I'll do it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, her boyfriend, Frank. Uyowa. Everyone.

Here he is. Stay up here, Stabana. All right. Yo, quick question. You guys fucking with consent? Do I have your permission to talk about consent? It's a new thing for a lot of people, not Hispanic, so we're all about consent. Like I've never seen a Mexican person just attack somebody.

No, we always ask first, are you trying to get sucked or what? Technically, you got options. If anyone here's ever been sucked by a Mexican person, you just got to learn to say no sometimes. Oh, man, I'm fucking, I'm tired. It's the only place I could talk about it. I said I was tired at home the other day and almost started a fight. Yo, you want to know how to start an all out competition between eight working Mexicans living under one roof?

Just say you're tired. Wow. Frankie, Uyowa. My goodness. Jesus Christ. Look who decided to not let his girlfriend leave with set of the night, huh? It's like I want to get in there and show this bitch who's boss. That was incredible, Frank.

So let's talk about it. Grab the mic again. It was $1,000 in that Ridge Wall that you ended up quitting your job. We never got to catch up about what happened next. How long were you able to stay unemployed for? How long did you stretch out that $1,000? It was the best decision I made because I cashed out a 401k. What?

You invested it? No, 401QUE question mark. Zacameco. First time as a Kill Tony guest, not the last. You cashed out a 401k. Where the fuck did you get this? Whose fucking identity did you steal? That's what makes it even worse is that it was a good fucking job.

Wow. Yeah, what was the job? I managed like a warehouse. It was in logistics. Okay. All right. Logistics. All right.

Dude, I'm working logistics. You warehouse. Living spaces. I love it. So you got your 401k. How much did you get from that? I was only working like four years. You rich dude.

Fucking like two grand, man. I'm fucking still spending that money. How much did you walk away with? You remember? It was like $3,500, but... Whoa. Money, money, money, money. So you add that to the $1,000 and then it just carried me into...

A month? It carried you into the next month? A great, great wall. I have a southern border and I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Is that true? Did the president make you pay for the wall with that extra money you cashed out with? Oh my God. I want to know how crazy your girlfriend is.

Hold on. Wait a second. Let's ask President Trump while we have him on the phone. President Trump, what did you think about Frank's girlfriend, Stevon, is set? So probably I'll sue her. She'll be fine. Okay. He's going to sue you for the $3,000 that you still have.

That's very incredible. Wow. Mr. President, what do you think about us being back at Kill Tony and do you think everything's going to be fine with us? It can happen. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President. Okay.

Let's go back to these Mex... Mr. President, is it okay that we ask a few more questions of these two Mexican guests? No. Okay. All right. You guys have to be one of the funniest couples that I have ever had on the show. I mean, it's absolutely incredible. Hey, are you guys here Thursday?

We were leaving tomorrow, but we will be here Thursday now. I would love to have both of you guys on the secret show here at Vulcan. Look at that. Hell, yeah. Red Band's going to watch you guys fucking the green room. There you go. It's Delvona D'Agato and Frank Ulloa. There they go, ladies and gentlemen.

One more time for them. Yeah. Here, have something. What do we got? We only have this left. No, I have two. We do? There, Frank.

There you go. Man, there's a babysitter that's getting paid this week. Wow. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time of the night. There's only one regular left. I haven't gotten to see this guy perform in weeks. You know him. If you know anything about this show, you know what's about to go down.

20 years of experience at Second City out of Chicago, found out that he got Lou Gehrig's disease. I don't know if you guys know about this. Got diagnosed with ALS and decided to finally knock it off his bucket list. What he always wanted to do was be a stand-up comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, regular with a brand new killer minute every single week. Let me present to you the return of Michael Larrer. Time is of the essence.

Don't waste a minute of it. That's why when I serve the Internet, I accept all cookies. I will not have my web-rising experience, thrown down by not accepting these computer cookies. I know I risk pop-ups. I will not live my life in fear of pop-ups. I know I risk identity theft. I'm 42 years old.

I own nothing. I've been bankrupt twice. And I have a quick-moving, degenerative, neuro-ideological disorder. Evening my identity would be like robbing your bank and having a die-pack explode in your getaway car. I've learned never burn bridges because you never know who will have drugs when you want drugs. Let me clarify. Never burn bridges because you never know who will have drugs when you need drugs.

Michael motherfucking Larrer. There it is. He's back. Still got it. From New York, New York, the Cancun jungle will inspire you. Sabrara will hire you out from New York. It just sounds like the song in slow motion. You all heard it, Jay-Z. This is lazy. This motherfucker looks like a Pokemon come to life.

I'm not gonna fuck with you, dude. You're wearing all blue so I can tell you you're a Crip. Yeah. And I can tell you your blood has diabetes. That's a Crip and blood comeback. Very good stuff. Thank you. He has better muscle tone than I do. I'll do Rogan style commentary on this if I have to. Why are you dressed like a Puerto Rican tourist in New York City?

If it wasn't for the bikes, this Crip would not be going on soon. Tell me where you from. Uptown, baby. We get town, baby. Uptown, baby. We get town, baby. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. If John Dees agrees, that means you beat the video game of Cool. That color, Barry. Michael, when did you decide to go with the facial hair of NWO Hulk Hogan?

Well, I'm from New World Order. When his legs dropped. If I can be... Yeah, go ahead. If I can be serious to my son. Totally with your mascara beard. Absolutely. Go ahead. Be super serious. No.

I grew up in the melting pot of Flushing Queens. And I consider myself a London X. And if I learned anything from London X's, like the famous comedian Paul Rodriguez, who I believe his name is on the comic store wall. Absolutely. Huge legend at the comic store. Right. And he was said, as I was in Youngtown watching HBO like you did, he was said, if it wasn't for the weekends, Americans wouldn't have cockroaches. Wow.

Michael, why did you make eye contact with me while you said that? Do you think... Because he needs help stopping out his cockroaches. Do you think I won't have you canceled? Do you think you're above being canceled? Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Yeah, you think getting canceled by Pang Dang is bad. He's getting canceled by God.

Yeah. But if I'm lucky, before God canceled me, cocaine would cancel me. Michael's also coming to Skankfest this year. Absolutely is. No doubt. If it wasn't for Michael being on Skankfest last year, we would have just done it, but we were like, no dude, we're going to kill him. We got to postpone this shit. There's no way. Yeah, though, I did get corona.

He did get it. And I ended up in the hospital twice. In the same day. But we don't die, we multiply. Fuck yeah. I always thought there was something a little grimlinny about you. Michael Lair, unbelievable set. You definitely fucking did it again. What else are we missing here? Anything else you want to say?

This is incredible. I always get a little nervous when we take a couple weeks off that I'm like, fuck, what about Michael? You know, I would say this, like, I would say since we left the comedy show, this is by far the best episode I can tell me. Like, and, and like, these, these comics, we pulled out a bargain tonight. What fucking talent. What unique original creative ideas. They couple back in this game.

They're like, I spent this time to go and Christian. Yeah, they are. Absolutely. It's like, instead of your mom's house, it's like your mom's house, your sister's house, your brother's house. Everybody lives together in that house. Your mom's cousin. Ladies and gentlemen, that's Michael Lair, MichaelLairComedy.com. Everything Michael Lair.

Well, you all sat there doing nothing. The great Ryan J. Ebel drew tonight's episode the entire time. Look at this gentleman. Ryan J. Ebel draws every single episode of the show as it's happening. That is your drawing of Zac Amico and Lewis Jay Gomez. Those of you on YouTube right now are watching that live. Guys, how about a hand for Truly? Not only an unbelievable guy founded a podcast company.

He founded my favorite festival. He's part of my favorite podcast, Southern New York Legionist Gangs. Not only a great comedian, but truly, truly one of the absolute top friends that helped me, called me, actually cared about me, wasn't afraid the first fucking two days when shit was crazy. I was calling and texting like crazy. A real fucking friend, Lewis Jay Gomez, everybody. And an absolute gunslinger, guys.

And definitely a future returning guest, an absolute fucking joking ass motherfucker. How about a hand for his first time on Kill Tony, Zac Amico? Guys, if you are visiting Austin, Texas, please check out CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres. Follow Yoni at Best Barbecue Show. Go to the red rows or the yellow rows. If you're going to go to a fucking strip club and you call yourself a Kill Tony fan, you must go to the red rows or yellow rows.

Tell them Kill Tony sent you. Guys, how about a hand for the band? John Keyes on social media, J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z. Matt Mueling on guitars at Mutation, at M-U-E-H-T-A-T-I-O-N. Mike Agon's 13 is your drummer, Michael Gonzalez. And how about a hand? Step it in for D-Madness tonight, Nick Lewis. He's on social media at NickBase214.

Shout out to the great people over at Shae-Z, one of our favorite restaurants in town. Thank you for making that incredible cake for us. You know, we've been having fun. What else? What am I missing here? Thursday, guys, like you saw already, we already have a couple people from the show on the show. Every Thursday, Death Squad Secret Show. A lot of huge surprises this week. Tickets available right now. Shout out to WhistlepigWhiskey for helping us out here tonight.

And make sure you follow Skankfest, Legion of Skanks, Real Last Podcast, Gas Digital, and everything else. Make sure you retweet whatever it was Red Band just tweeted out there. I'm going to share this with you guys, and that is that we did not promote this show at all. So however you guys found out about this, the fact that you guys did and tracked us down and supported us on this, a huge episode in our history means the world to us. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.