KILL TONY - #510 - ALEX JONES

Episode Date: June 18, 2021

Alex Jones, Joe Rogan, Duncan Trussell, William Montgomery, Zac Bogus, Michael Lehrer, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/07/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. But we're always on the road, and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does, and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hello, everybody! Brian Redbanz here. People make some fucking noise. We're here! Nobody has more fun than us on Monday nights, and you guys are at the right goddamn place.

I'm excited to be here. How about a hand for the band that was just playing for you before the show started? That's the official Kill Tony. And we're having fun here at the new location of Kill Tony Vulcan Gas Company here on Chaotic 6th Street. Yes. Oftentimes, that's why I'm dressed like this. Oftentimes, this area is confused for Gotham City. It's basically the same place for people that haven't been on 6th Street before. It's all the fucking same. Boy, am I excited about this episode tonight.

We have the great Matt Mueling here on electric guitar, Michael Gonzalez on drums. And D-Madness is back on bass guitar. Wow, listen to that! I got to have my first talk with D-Madness in like a month tonight. He didn't make it to last week's taping, and I told him on D-Madness. I don't know if you know this, but I got into a little bit of trouble. And D-Madness goes, I didn't see a fucking thing. We're all filled up on delicious food thanks to Yoni at Best Barbecue Show.

He feeds us every week from the delicious. And I'm telling you, you guys are Kill Tony fans. You have to support CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres. If you guys don't know, I double-dogged area. They make a new taco. They just started this. I tell you about this, a jalapeno popper taco. They fucking grill a jalapeno. They open it up, right? They cut it open, they grill it, they flatten it.

Then they put it flat on a flour fucking tortilla. They grill that tortilla a little bit. They take fancy cheese, grill that shit a little bit. Did I tell you about this? I had to go there like every other day now to eat this. I just wake up sweating thinking about it. My first time knowing. What's that? My first time knowing.

His first time knowing. He has no idea what's going on back there. D-Madness. D-Madness responding to jokes from two minutes ago back there. Got some cakes made for us by Shae Z at midnight. It's my birthday, everybody. This is very exciting. Thank you.

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Guys, I see people that are just here for the scene not going crazy. Are you guys ready to start killtony tonight? Great Ryan J. Ebelt's drawing tonight's episode all the way back in Los Angeles, California. Every print of every show is available at ryanjeebelt.com. Tonight's guest, ladies and gentlemen, you're here on a special night. It is his first time ever being a guest on Kill Tony. I'm dressed like this because tonight shall be chaos. I present to you for his first time ever in Kill Tony history, your guest tonight is Alex Jones.

Holy shit. What? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Woo! Power! Unlimited power!

That's a Rick Flair. That's right. This battle station is fully operational. Alex motherfucking Jones, an Austin, Texas icon, and one of our favorite humans on the planet. Well, it's good to be here exercising the first time ever with a lot of great Americans. Yeah! Yeah! Woo! I gotta tell you, I had dinner with this guy.

It was me, him, Ron White, red band Joe Rogan. I had dinner a few weeks ago. If you want to know who holds court at that dinner table, it's Alex motherfucking Jones. No, it wasn't. You were cracking us up the whole time. It's absolutely true. He's the alpha amongst alphas. Oh, yeah, right. Joe kicked my ass. It's not true. I'm in a headlock. No, I was surprised. Joe sits back and listens to you.

I've never seen him listen to anyone like he listens to you. Normally, he's the chatty one. I'm excited about this. Welcome to the show, Alex. We've got a lot of fun here tonight. I'm super fucking pumped. We have delicious beverages made by, how about a hand for the Vulcan Gas Company staff here? Vulcan Gas Company? That's pro free speech, baby! That's right. Bringing it back, baby!

That's right. Screw any venue that isn't pro speech, not to name any names. Antones. Vulcan Gas Company serving delicious cocktails tonight made by Don Julio. That's Don Julio. If anybody's in the mood for tequila, drink what we're drinking. It's Don Julio. And the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, the best strip club in all of Austin, Texas. I would know nothing about that.

You guys ready to start the show? You guys ready to see a stand-up comedy? And let's start it. Let's get ready to rumble! Before we go to the bucket tonight, let's start the show with something special, something you're used to. One of the newest residents of Austin, Texas, just moved here a couple weeks ago. Ladies and gentlemen, he's the one and only, the big red machine, regular William Montgomery! Alright!

A brand new minute from one of the longest standing regulars of all time. This is one more time for William Montgomery. First off, Alex Jones, I've been obsessed with you since Waking Life. I always thought you were animated. It's a good deep cut for people that know that movie. Hunter Biden will soon be teaching a course at Tulane University in New Orleans about fake news. If it were a course in future news, he'd discuss the future headline, Hunter Biden Arrested in New Orleans. My girlfriend describes me as mysterious.

I like to describe her as a bad detective. Hard to believe that the movie Pearl Harbor was worse than the actual Pearl Harbor event. Imagine if they made a 9-11 romantic comedy. Jack Shepard and Selena Gomez make out as cancerous ass showers down on them blocks from the World Trade Center. This week, Joe Biden said he really identifies with black people saying, Hell, my son's a crack addict, too. Wow! Fuck yeah, William Montgomery, everybody.

Shout out to whoever's changing the lighting in the first 10 minutes of the show for no fucking reason whatsoever. I mean, really, there's really no need to make any adjustments to anything. There you go, you could stop there, I guess. Is that how it was? No, it's like really dark now. You guys remember how it was when we did the fucking camera test earlier? Let's just get this gorgeous lady in black latex up here. The fuck is going on?

Everybody wants to fucking do a job that doesn't need to be done here at Vulcan Gas Company. Let's change the lights, let's change them, let's change them. Don't fucking touch anything. Don't touch anything! D-Madness doesn't even like the lighting change you did. You gotta get rid of the reds, guys. That's the one thing that we told you and somehow you switched it to that eight minutes in. Get rid of the reds.

There you go, thank you so much. How about a hand for the lighting guy? Jared Vulcan, everybody. Yeah! Yes! Maybe turn up the lights now a little. Yeah, maybe change it up a little bit. I feel like I'm in the dark over here.

Really great move, whoever leaned on the fucking lights during the show. Awesome shit. William, luckily it distracts. I have no idea what you talked about. How many of you want to see him start over from the beginning, huh? I'm just kidding, I'm kidding. Political jokes, never good. I'm kidding. Alex, you were paying attention.

What did you think about William's set? This is your first time seeing the set. I thought they were very cerebral jokes. Which is not lost in a great crowd, but I'm a little drunk, so I'm a part of it. And if I only caught half of it, it's a little daytime joke, not a nighttime joke. It was all actually very well executed. Better than I can write, so you know. Hell yeah.

I love it. William, welcome back to the show. You're here every week. How's life been going? What's been happening? It's pretty good. I just discovered something called coffee. Ooh, you started drinking?

I've been drinking it so much this past week. Okay, for those of you that don't know, William was the biggest mess on the show for a very long time. And he got sober two weeks ago, everybody. How about a hand for William's surprise? A hot red mess. He really was. A big red fucking disaster. I was always fucked up.

He was fucked up. He was doing fucking blow and drinking at 11 a.m. and just was gone. As you can see by his- Replacing with coffee. Yeah. I mean, look, if he laid on his back, he looks like the AMC stock graph. Just ups and downs and ridges everywhere. I don't get that.

I know you don't. That's another very cerebral joke. So William, you've been drinking coffee. Is it, have you feeling good? Yeah, it has me feeling real uppity. It's not quite cocaine, but I enjoy it. It's pretty good. Are you addicted to it?

I know a lot of people that quit drinking. They could just become addicted to other things, like coffee. Exactly. Excuse me. All right, sir. I would just say exactly. Sorry. He's kind of a scary looking vodka.

Don't beat me up. Don't eat me. I am. William, how about the answer to Red Band's question? I had five cups today. Five cups. Look at that. Are you shitting like a wild man?

I actually have it in a couple of days. Oh. Okay. I don't know what's going on in my lymph nodes, sir. Oh, that's good. So that's always Dr. Say when your lymph nodes hurt. Nothing better than that. I love it, William.

Did some jokes tonight. How's Austin treating you? You find anything else you love about Austin, Texas this week? It's been good. I had a buddy. We went to Lake Travis this weekend for his bachelor party. Yeah, it was fun. It seemed like a nice lake.

Yeah. It seemed pretty nice. I found a place I love today. I was going to go buy some fucking cowboy boots or something like that, and then I realized I can't do that till tomorrow, and I got lost on Congress Street, ended up stumbling into whatever this fucking costume shop is

you guys have here. What the fuck is that place, man? I was like inside of a never-ending story. I had no intentions of dressing like this tonight. Next thing you know, a fucking $150 later, I got the new suit I'm wearing to weddings and shit. Austin has the coolest fucking shit. It is so weird.

In LA, you could drive any direction for an hour and not find one place as cool as that rinky-dink little costume store. I was almost a fucking rodeo clown tonight. I was almost a matador. I was almost a circus ringleader. Brokeback. These all could be future episodes, by the way.

I might just show up there every Monday and fucking go crazy. You ever dress up like anything silly, Alex Jones? I mean, Bill Hicks, right? Exactly. No, actually, well, I was Bill Hicks before, then I staged my death, and then it became Alex Jones in 1993. It's actually true.

No, it's true. I love it. Listen, Lake Travis. People talk about downtown Austin. It's fine. It's great. The zombie homeless people all the rest of them. There are some cool restaurants,

cool places like this place, but Austin is like Lake Travis and all the other stuff around it. That's what's cool. Very cool. So you discovered all that out there. You got really drunk. I did.

Yeah, I actually got wasted. I broke my sobriety on Saturday night. I got fucking wasted. He's kidding, everybody. But he's joking, everyone. Here's for getting wasted. Buy more drinks. William Montgomery did it again.

Another brand new minute from William. We're going to keep him moving along. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. You guys ready to go to this fucking bucket, huh? Anything could happen. It could be you I pull out of the bucket. Wait, I think we should bring up one more person.

What? I think we should bring up one more person. All right. How about our friend, Joe Rogan, everybody. Everybody. Oopsie daisy. Austin, Texas, we're making it happen, bitches.

Woo. Powerful Joe Rogan and Duncan Trestle have joined the chaos. Holy shit. Who has more fun than us on a Monday night. Absolutely fucking nobody is the answer. And you guys are just in time for the first. What are you wearing? What happened?

I was just talking about it. You just missed. I ended up stumbling into this awesome costume shop earlier. I don't even know. What's the name of it? Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Is that right? You know that place?

Lucy in disguise. There you go. Shout out to that fucking place. You can get lost in. It's 37 years old. It's at the same owner the entire time. I had so much fun. I almost dressed like they have costumes for anything.

I like you have you have one glove on. Yeah. I'm the Joker Michael Jackson. It's kind of cool. It's your own thing. Hell yeah. Can I say something? Yeah, absolutely.

The great Duncan Trestle. This is an embarrassing thing to admit. This is the first show I've been at in 16 months. Wow. So I walked in and I'm like, oh my, all these people, all these people. This is embarrassing. I started crying. Yeah.

It was so weird. Humanities backfuckers. Yeah. Really weird. Like, but you know, one of those cries, you don't think you're going to do it. Like all of a sudden there's just like tears. Like, holy, like, wow. It's the tears of a super spreader.

Yeah. You're feeling it. You're feeling it. I love it, Duncan. This is what we do all the time. This is just what we do on Mondays. How many of you think Duncan should think about moving to Austin, Texas? Wait.

Thank you. Thank you. No, no, no. Wait. Oh my God. This is pro wrestling. Wait. You got me wrong.

Wait. You know why I started crying, don't you? Oh, because you wanted to go home? Because you people aren't wearing masks. So I just started weeping. I love it. Well, you guys are just in time. Look at Alex Jones.

He's like, he's going to punch me. It's a joke, Alex Jones. I totally agree with you. I love it. I'm going to get you. Get over here and sit on my lap. It's a scary look. He's serious, too.

What's with the scrolls? What's with these scrolls? What's going on here? It's a new brand. Oh, doki doki. We're just adding microphones as we go. It's okay. It's okay.

Duncan and I are so high right now. I want some of that weed. We're almost imperceivably high. Hold the weed out. We just did a three and a half hour podcast and just got in a car and came over here and the whole way over. We're talking about woolly mammoths.

Hollow Earth. Hollow Earth. Yeah. It's the dumbest conversation I've ever had in my life. You know what Waco does every second of it? Waco's the biggest woolly mammoth museum in the world up there. It's a giant woolly mammoth dig. It made an erupt.

Sorry. It made me up. It's a good point, though. I want some of that Joe Rogan weed. It's always good. You don't want any of this weed I'm telling you. It's terrifying. The weed he always gives me is the best.

Joe Rogan weed. Joe Rogan weed. Nope. I reject that. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. We're going to watch them do 60 seconds uninterrupted. Wait. I'm sorry.

I came up here. Joe's like, do you want to go on stage? Stay up here, Duncan. I'm thinking I got to pee so bad. But I'm like, yeah. Go pee. Go pee. Come back.

Go pee and then come back. Go pee and come back. We'll be here for you. Duncan Trusso in his weak bladder, ladies and gentlemen. He's crying. He's peeing. There's bodily fluids everywhere. We drank 18 beers.

We drank whiskey. We are so fucked up. This podcast. This podcast. This is going to be the end of my career, this podcast. This is going to be the one that sticks. We were so barbecued. It was so ridiculous.

I love it. We just strolled over here. I'm like, oh, we're here. I didn't even know we were here when we sat down. I wasn't sure. Well, we're in it. You're in for the ride of your life right here. We're going to pull a name out of the bucket.

This is crazy for whoever gets this lucky. We had over like 100 comedians sign up for the chance to get pulled out. Anything can happen. You guys ready for this? Want to judge Joe, Rachel there? We saw William. He's consistent. But now it begins.

Anything could happen. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted minute tonight. That's not a regular. Goes by the name of Charles Adams Jr. everybody. Charles Adams Jr. Oh yeah. We know Charles. Come on down.

We love Charles Adams Jr. on this show. Come on. What's up? Okay. I ain't going to cuss nobody out tonight. I know what y'all thinking. Damn. Kimbo slice tells jokes.

Oh, you don't believe me? That's real taco meat right there, baby. You know what I'm talking about? Hey, real talk. The other day I was in my classroom and one of my students walked past me, right? And we had to still wear our mask. He walked past me. I was like, damn, man, did you wash your hands after coming from the bathroom?

He was like, yes, sir, Mr. Charles. I was like, damn, that must be me. So I took my mask off. I was like, oh, shit, that's my breath. My breath has been smelling like that for that long. Jesus Christ. I went to my hygienist. She was like, yeah.

She went to clean my teeth. She was like, you've been tossing salad, huh? I was like, yeah. I've been trying to be a vegan for a little minute. You know what I mean? That's all I got right there. That's stuff. All right.

There it is. Exactly a minute from Charles Adams Jr. We love Charles on this show. You've been on it a couple of times, always fun. What's up? Took that Kimbo slice joke I made about you and used it for yourself, huh? I'm trying to get a pay, baby. You're goddamn right.

That's the whole point. I wish more people would do that. Improv. Yeah, I make fun of these people and only the smart ones take it. They make fun of me so much, fuck it. Fun fact for those of you just watching or listening to the podcast, the lighting guy is still fucking with the lights. Just, I mean, like it almost seems unbelievable at this point,

but it is as long as he got the light on me because I'm pretty dark. Yeah, he turned up. He turned up the whites for you. Real chocolate right here, baby. The lighting guy. Yeah. Actually, I would make a joke, but I don't think I'm allowed to anymore. Let's just keep it moving.

Use your imagination. Use your imagination. What was Tony gonna say that he couldn't say? Tony was about to call me a ninja. Yeah. There. I don't give a shit. I got tusking in, baby.

I wouldn't do that to you. Not you. David Lucas, I would, but not you. I don't do that. I love it. So Charles, you're a teacher. You're back at school. You're teaching kids, right?

Yeah, I'm not. Today is my first day of vacation. Wow. Three months. Fuck them kids. Fuck yeah. School's out forever. I'm out.

No. I'm trying to get that Joe Rogan weed. Trying to get the what? I'm trying to get that Joe Rogan weed. I'm trying to get high all summer. Oh shit. Hell yeah. All right.

Shit. Okay. You smoke a lot of pot? Hell yeah. That's the reason why I became a teacher. What are you? They don't drug. I want some weed.

Hearing about all this weed. Give me some. They don't drug this. Can we get a join up here for Alex Jones' smoke something? Make a mistake. Trust me. All right. Let's wait.

What do we do for 22 years? Let's wait on the weed. Don't, don't. You can't. Get out of dodge while you can. We are still making lighting adjustments in an unprecedented event. Oh. Tell them like it is, Tony.

I'm telling you, man. Charles, I wish I had your commanding stature. These people know. They don't listen to me. They see me come up with one glove on. You gotta do more push-ups, baby. All right. Charles, thank you.

Thank you. You got a twerk on you, my boy. Whoa. Did you just flex? Shut the fuck up. Charles, up. He's got the whole color thing going. Oh, yeah.

That's macho, man. Jesus Christ. Charles, relax. Charles, over here. Did you just flex your pecs? Did you just? Whoa. I called it.

You're trying to get me laid tonight. Look at that. I called it. That's my chest twerk. Oh, shit. That's pretty good. That's a. You're looking too hard, dude.

Looking too hard. Joe, wait. Let's turn our ass. Stop it. Joe, what do you think about this guy's muscles? That's unusual. I mean, I'm thinking, you know, when someone does something like, I don't think I can do that.

Jump man, Joe. I've seen Joe Rogan do this. I don't have that kind of free time. You've been doing the splits and shifts. Yeah, but there's no value to doing that. So he doesn't know how to do that. Like it doesn't. It doesn't do anything.

It's mind over titty. It's like getting really good at cricket. Oh, man. Charles, you've been on this show a couple of times. Is there anything that you've thought about since your last appearance that we haven't talked about about your life or about you that we should know about? Not really. Okay.

There you go. Great fucking answer. I mean, no, I mean, are you the lighting guy? No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I mean, no, I mean, are you the lighting guy here? That's a great answer. We're still. Appreciate being on this stage with you guys every time I get up and, you know, it's it's

a drying of the bucket. So I'm just here to have fun. Baby. That's right. You know what I mean? That's right. You don't have any of your own kids. Right?

Charles. Say what you don't have any of your own kids. You know, I pull out, baby, you pull out strong. I pull out even when I'm wearing a condom. Is that true? Do you really do that? Yeah, you can. I can bust on you.

Wait, what? They bust. They bust. They bust the climax. You got to pull them out. Why don't you just get clipped in? Have you ever thought about just getting clipped? I don't even know what that is.

I don't even know what that is. Hell, I heard your balls swell up and shit. No, it doesn't. I don't know. I don't want no scissors about my shit. I don't think this conversation is legal. I'm in the middle of you and I'm a guy. I feel harassed.

Charles, what exactly do you teach at school? I'm curious. Periods. Periods. Periods. No, not sex head. No, I teach English. English?

Yeah, I'm in the English department. I work in the English department. So I'm in multiple classrooms. She's a Shakespeare fan. I pretty much fuck up all the bad kids that's fucking up in the English department. You know, that's too many run-offs sentences, dawg. Get the fuck out of that class. Oh, okay.

I'm out. Yeah, there you go. No punctual wasted. So you're like the scared straight guy or something like that. You need to get your fucking English together. You're going to end up like me pulling out with condoms on. That's right. Your hair's going to fall out.

You're going to start growing shit on your face. You don't want to do that. Charles Adams Jr., you're so much fun. This is your third time, I do believe, on the show, right? I can't believe it. Always fun. All right. This is what the show's all about, baby.

Charles Adams Jr. of Charles Jr. There he goes. One more time for Charles Adams Jr. Hey, Charles, Charles, Charles. This is an official Kill Tony joke book just for you made by the great Adrian Kavazos. He's at Bones Eye with his Z-Bones Eye on Instagram. You giving them joke books? Look at these things.

Look at that. The joke books? Smell that. That's real leather. Smell that leather, Joe. That's fine leather. That's the real fucking deal right there. If they're good, they get a full-size one.

And if they suck, they get one of these little ones. You'll see that happen for sure any moment. Duncan Trussell taking a shit? Is he a... Yeah. I think Duncan Trussell is scared. Yeah, where'd he go? He's trying to get his equilibrium.

All right. This is definitely a new name, everybody. This is a new name. I would remember if I saw this before. Make some noise for your next comedian. J.P. Puthin Vitell. Puthin Vitell. J.P.

Is next on Kill Club. Poozyville. Poozyville. He's got a steady jog. Here he is. J.P. Puthin Vitell. One more time for J.P., everybody. Come on.

Hello. I'm a virgin. Same as you. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them I'm a virgin. They look me like you're not really a virgin, right? What more should I be doing? I look like a person who has multiple oatmeal recipes bookmarked. I don't know.

I don't really know which way I swing. I think I might be straight-ish. I don't know if that is something I can take to my father. He's really old. He just turned 50. I don't know why. I don't know why he didn't have to. I'm young.

I'm 24. I don't feel like that's super young. I've lived through three Spider-Man 2s. That's not nothing. I'm upset. I don't know. I'm upset. My...

There we go. Wow. J.P. Puthin Vitil. All right. I fucking love you. Hi. How are you?

I love you. Mercedes on stage. On deck. What? Why? Why would that be? Is that the kind of strippers you like, Alex? I like it.

I'm having an hallucination. It's a beautiful stripper. I'm looking at him. Oh, look at her dance. The beauty. The pole. Oh, look at the style. The elegance.

The grace. Okay. Mercedes on stage. J.P. How do you say your last name? The fuck is in this bottle. PCP? What the fuck is in that bottle?

How do you say your last name? It's Puthin Vitil. Puthin Vitil. Puthin Vitil. Puthin Vitil. What? You can't see that's a beautiful woman? How do you people are crazy?

J.P. Welcome to the show. It was really funny. Thank you. Thank you. An unbelievable set. I absolutely loved you. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Four years. Four years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? This is my week. I'm in from LA. You're in from Los Angeles? Yeah. How come we never saw you at Kyltoni in LA?

I committed more recently. Committed more recently? Yeah. So you were doing shows in, like, Los Feliz, Silver Lake, things like that? Yeah. I can tell you, little son of a bitch. Look at you.

Look at everybody. Comes to daddy in the end. Yeah. Yeah. Portia comes to daddy. You're goddamn right. It's hard to get a following in that alt comedy scene, isn't it? Yeah.

Hard to sell a fucking ticket, isn't it? J.P. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to the show. Is it true that you're a virgin? I am. Wow.

That's incredible. How about a hand for him, everybody? Here's to J.P. Portia, get on over here. I want a table dance. J.P. How far have you gotten with a girl? No.

I've never been on a date. You've never been on a date? Yeah. Have you ever kissed a girl? No. I don't know any really well. Really? Is there, you know what?

Let's do something fun here. Yeah. Oh, these ladies right here. Oh, yeah. Guys, this is a famous segment on Kill Tony called Kiss Me. J.P., this is the part where I ask, everyone knows. I mean, look at us on a Monday. Everyone knows Kill Tony is the best comedy fans in the world.

Right? Yeah. So with that said, is there a lady out there that would be willing to come up here and give J.P. a big wet fucking kiss in front of this audience? Come on down here. Come on down. Come down. Come on down, J.P.

Here we go. Now, the only deal is, the only deal, the only thing I ask in return of you guys witnessing this guy's first big fucking wet smooch is that when it happens, you guys have to go fucking crazy. Deal? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Oh! Yeah! Hey!

Wait, wait, wait. Get her back up here. Get her back up here. The show is over. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. What's her name?

Don't run away, Joe. We're struggling. I'm never going to meet her again. I love that. All right. Now, how many of you want to see J.P. get his first ever lap dance in the history of his life? Hold on.

From the red rose, the yellow rose, I present to you Jennifer. Everybody, sit down there, J.P. Where's Jennifer at? Joe's going to find Duncan. Is Jennifer the right name? No, it's not. Jennifer, I met her outside of the room.

She's right back here. Sit down, J.P. Sit down, Portia. Move your fanny pack to the side. Yeah! Hold on one second. We're going to play some music here. Any fucking second now.

Jesus Christ. There you go. Here we go. There you go. J.P. What song do you want? J.P. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, J.P. Move your fucking fanny pack to the side. Okay, hi. Yeah!

I don't want it. What? Yeah, you didn't even look at them in the eyes. I didn't even know what I was doing. J.P. is scared to death. He's over here making eye contact with Alex Jones during the whole lap dance. I'm the one that called it. I called him Portia.

I summoned the ladies. I did it. I think he just came. Yeah. This guy's looking at him. He's fucking hard as a rock right now. Get on there. You want to sit in my lap, sweetheart?

Not the girls, you. Nice stand. Am I here now? J.P. does not want to stand up right now. Don't be scared, J.P. He's fucking bonered up to the gills right now. I think J.P. has had enough. How was that, J.P.?

How was your first kiss and everything? I won't worry about it. J.P., you're a lucky devil. For those of you that didn't catch that, he's not making any fucking sense right now. He's lost the ability to make sense. In any way, Jennifer and... Keena. Keena.

How about it? Keenan. Keenan. I agree with you. Keena. Nicole and Jennifer. Nicole and Peanut. How about a hand for the ladies from the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, huh?

Official sponsors of Pill Tony. That was absolutely perfect. J.P., stand back up for us. There goes the ladies of the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. Make sure you go visit there anytime you want to go to a strip club. If you go anywhere else, you're no longer a kill Tony. By the way, you might want to move the fanny pack over there to dick now. Yeah, now's the time to move your...

I mean, you literally cock-block yourself, J.P. I've never seen anything quite like it. Those women were ready to go, son. Yeah, that's good for them. J.P., so welcome to the show. You just got graciously rewarded. You've never been on a date before. Meanwhile, now you have pussy juice all over you.

You got women roll the red carpet out for you, son. Thank you. So, J.P., let's talk about your life. What do you do for work? I edit board game tutorial videos. Oh, my God. You are a fucking loser, my friend. No, he's not.

He's seething with power. I love it. So, J.P., what else about you? What is your ethnicity? Puthinviteel is a hell of a last name. Half Indian. Half Indian. Yeah.

Okay. What's the other half? White? Fuck yeah, probably. Indian mother, white father? Fuck yeah, probably. My dad's white. My dad's Indian.

I don't remember. My dad's Indian. My mom's white. Okay. I'm sure your dad and mom would be great. Would be very happy to find out you don't even know what ethnicity. You have done well, Lord Vader. I love it.

What do you keep in that fanny pack? That is an overwhelmingly packed fanny pack. Is that where you execute your testicles? I had this weed and then like my phone and shit. You have weed in there? Let's see. Let's see. Yeah.

Open it up. Yeah, let's see. How many you want to put? Police officers. Welcome to your area. Let's see it. I have like small shit. Welcome to a segment we call what is in that fanny pack.

All right. We got some kind of weed device. All right. There's a vape pen. Oh, there's a. We've got another piece of weed. There's the filter end of a joint. We've got notes.

There's his hopes and dreams right there. More joints. What else? Come on. Open the big part. This guy's a regular Cheetah Chong. Whoa. A phone.

Okay. A wallet. There's a cough drop. All right. Merkola. I'm sorry. It's my name. No, you're a great American.

We love you. I need all this shit. You kicked ass brother. Here's all your weed. Thank you. JP, you have got to be one of the biggest pussies in the show's history. This is almost incredible what's happening here. I absolutely love you, but you are just.

That's a thanks. Pussies are sexy. I don't lie about that. You have a beautiful pussy. We lost Joe Rogan and Duncan Trussell. Well, Duncan Trussell is having a bad trip. So Joe Rogan ran up to find him. Duncan took too many hits of acid.

He'll be back later. I love it. You have a beautiful vagina. Have a nice night. JP, such a fun interview. How do you feel about your first kiss? How did that feel for you? It was, yeah.

I like, yeah, sure. It was good. She was nice. Paging Joe Rogan and Duncan Trussell. Wait, hold on. Wait a second. What do you mean it was nice? You don't sound very serious.

She seemed nice. I don't know. It felt like a fucking wet cushy toy was on my mouth. Like a dog toy. I don't know. Listen, when the hot slut is there, you attack it. I'm sorry if you're listening. I don't know.

I don't know. I feel like I didn't really suspect that. They're going to give you a second round. They're going to give you a second round. What's your name, sweetheart? You're a legend. How about a big hand for Kate, everybody? Hey, Kate.

What a lady. Yes, Kate. How about one more time for JP Puth and Viteel, everybody? JP. Yeah. Brothers in your fanny pack. There you go, buddy. JP Puth and Viteel.

Wow. This is a hectic audience. I love it. You guys having fucking fun out there? All right. Oh, this guy's a legend on the show, everybody. This guy famously smelled feet. He's back again.

Make some noise for David Flores, everybody. David Flores. Oh, step up from that. My friend. My friend. Here he is. One more time for David Flores, everybody. Que pinche roya la verga, Austin.

We're on my wet back set now. Oh, shit, dog. I didn't know there was going to be that many. I checked you all in at the door. I didn't even see that many. Damn. I wasn't expecting to get picked tonight, but I got a few jokes ready for you all. I was dating this one girl, dude, and I had to break up with her ass because her feet didn't smell.

But she had this crazy ass pussy dog. I don't know if you all have ever had dumpster lit pussy before. Her pussy smelled just like a dumpster lit, like when you open it to go throw your trash and shit. And I was like, damn, girl, I don't know what the fuck to do with you. But, uh, yeah, I swear this bitch was related to a xenomorph or something because her ass, her pussy was so acid, I swear her pH was through the roof, man. Jesus Christ. David Flora is up here.

My goodness. I'm not used to getting one minute anymore. You got to be careful talking shit about girls that you fuck. If they come to this show, they're like, I can't fuck that guy. Ridley Scott's about to hire you. If I fuck this guy, he's going to talk about my everything. David, how's it going, man? Pretty good.

Why are you wearing a flesh-colored shirt? He's like Jay Leno on a safari. Yeah. It's laundry day, man. I was just trying to look good for y'all. Oh, my goodness. You tried, I guess. I'm dressed like this, and I'm like, why do you look so silly?

David, remind us, you're in this smelly fee. We know that. You love the ladies. What do you do for work? I actually been doring here for the past, like, months. Doring? I love that. I'd never heard it referred to, is that it?

I was doring at the comedy store for four years, and I never called it that once. Doring. But I guess it's adorable. It's adoring the exploring over here. It's fucking... That set was something else. You really didn't expect to get pulled out. You signed up.

You sign up every week, right? Yeah, yeah. What? Yeah, I sign up every week. I was standing up there, kind of just keeping watch there, making sure... I was like, with this job, I get real jaded, man. Like, I swear, even after work and shit... Because you see other people get to perform, and you get to see shows happen, and you're

not on the shows, and that makes you mad, right? No, no. No, I mean, like, I feel like I'm an asshole now, like, because I'm always checking people in to people, like, always trying to use some sort of excuse while they're, you know... What's the worst excuse you've heard working here, too, so that somebody could get in? People would just be like, oh, my homies are in there, and, you know, they'll just think... Like, that automatically gets them a pass or something. So that's the problem.

It's not big enough in you. We need to get bigger. We need to build up. Goddamn right. Alex Jones is right. I'm positive he's right. But shit, dawg, I've been fucking meeting a bunch of girls lately, and they're all, like, telling me, like, they know me from the podcast, and they want me...

You're goddamn right, dude. They want me to smell their feet and shit. I'm like, damn, this shit was never so easy before. Before the podcast, girls would thought I was... Let's call the girls up and want them to smell your feet. Ladies, you want them to smell your feet? Very rarely does the guest read my mind, but, uh... Is there a lady out there that'll let David smell your feet?

It's... There's gotta be someone. How about he smells mine? There's gotta be someone out there. Come on. How about you, sweetheart? How about little Ann and Nicole Smith over here? Oh, David's feet.

There must be someone. How about this little fucking tawny, contain-looking, uh... This fucking fiery little cougar over here. How about that one? What's that little fucking... Look at that little squidget walking by. Come on, come up here. Come up here.

Let him smell your feet. Make some noise. Here she comes. Smell those feet. Oh, shit. Here we go. Here she comes, everybody. Get over there.

This is the part of the show where David... Oh, look at the size of those boots, huh? These are gonna be... Let's get ready to smell feet. Oh, shit. These things have been marinating deep. Look at those Birkenstocks. That's Birkenstock quality cheese.

Hell, yeah. This is about to be Dogecoin to the moon. Look at that. He won two feet. Those dogs are barking tonight. Look at these. Now, just a reminder. Hold on a second.

Let's go. Get rid of the music for a second. This is just a reminder that David loves it if the feet smell bad, right, David? Yeah. So this is literally a win-win situation for this, uh... I'm actually smelling from here.

I don't know who this girl is. It's like Mary Kate the night that they killed Heath Ledger or something like that. I smell it. What's your name, sweetheart? Hailey. Hailey, everybody. Hell, yeah.

He's about to smell Hailey's feet. You've heard of Hailey's comment? Hailey's feet. Oh, shit. Here we go. Oh, she's spreading those toes. David. She doesn't know that's my kryptonite dog.

Fuck. She's getting you excited. I don't even have to ask her to spread it. It's your kryptonite when a girl spreads her... Look at those digits. Hold on. It's your kryptonite when a girl spreads her toes like that? Oh, here he goes.

Ooh. What do you think, David? That doesn't smell like nothing, dog. I might as well smell my fucking arm. Hold on. Wait, wait. Let me check and make sure it's not bad. Let me see.

Hold on. Oh, shit. It smells pretty... I gotta say, she's got some... she's got some clean-ass feet. That smells like... smells like dove bar or something, or Irish spring over there.

I'm about to fucking vomit. Oh, my God. That is hilarious. They don't smell at all, is the report. Yeah, they don't smell like anything. Goddamn. That's why you were so excited to come up here. Look at this one.

Dude, and I know there's some good hooves in here. I checked it all in, so... Come on. There's gotta be a lady here. Next time I'm gonna smell Joe Rogan's feet. Yeah. Is there a lady in here with some real stinkers so we could get David?

Come on. Come on. Two-thirds of the comedians up here tonight have gotten physical boners while on stage. Ladies and gentlemen. We're trying to go three for four up here. Well, David... Oh, that was hilarious, Alex.

You smelling a random girl's feet might be one of the funniest things in the history of the show. Pour yourself some more delicious Don Holyhoer. Self-deprecation is key to enlightenment. Two microphones. This is already my... Self-deprecation.

Joe Rogan on the main stage. Come on down. This is my favorite episode of the show ever, by the way, if you're wondering. All right. David Flores, you did it again. You did it another minute. You're out here.

You're grinding. You're working the door at comedy clubs. You're doing everything right. How loud can this place get for David Flores? Come on. There he goes. David, take one of those. There you go. Thank you. Appreciate it, Alex.

You're farting a cup. Thank you, guys. Oh, yeah. You put it in their face. Farting a cup, put it in their face. Famous old red band YouTube video. Yeah. You guys having fun out there?

Yeah. Yeah, you are, motherfuckers. Your next comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Anything can happen. Goes by the name of Arturo Lorenzo. Arturo Lorenzo. Arturo Lorenzo. Bam, bam, bam.

Here he comes. Bam, bam, bam. One more time for Arturo Lorenzo. Hi, thank you. My name is Arturo Lorenzo, but seeing how many Hispanic comics were here, I probably could have just gone by Arturo. And yes, I am Latino,

so you can assume that I was raised Catholic. Any Catholics out here? Yeah. The fact that you're here tells me that Catholicism is not a real religion. It has all those loopholes. You can just say, I'm sorry when you're going to get raped or die,

and all of a sudden, it's okay. Guess what? I'm going to see my priest in heaven. So as long as he dies, I get raped, I get to say sorry before he goes away. But anybody like Edibles? Anybody took an Edible tonight? Edibles will fuck you up,

because you never know how strong they are. They definitely fucked me up, and they also fucked up my dryer, because I left them in my pants and forgot about them. So if anybody has a free dryer or Edibles, get out of me after the show. I also did not expect to be called, because it's my first time being called out,

and I feel like they're just calling minorities, because there's this all-white panel standing right here. Exactly. Even though Tony is tan enough to be Latino. Thank you. Hello, Arturo Lorenzo, calling out an all-white panel on a show that literally... You're right.

Anybody can get pulled out of the bucket on stage, but you felt the need to talk about an all-white panel. Let's talk about that for a second. Well, I was white in Peru before I moved to America. I loved your set before that. You were going to get a big joke book before that, and then there you go, talking about an all-white. You mean the people that put on the show

that gives you an opportunity to get on stage? And by the way, is that what you meant by all-white? By the way, you walked the black guy and the Latino when you said that. I got an idea. How about you pull the next person and tell us it's a scam? Yeah, well, Alex Jones, of course, would say that. That's not variable.

Arturo Lorenzo, let's talk about it. Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two and a half weeks. Wow, two and a half weeks. What made you start now? Well, I think the world is over, so I figure I would push back against the wave.

What makes you say that? What makes you think the world... I thought the world was over as well two and a half weeks ago, but look at us now. Sold out to the girls. We love you. We want to hear you be funny, not our racist. Tell us how...

Tell us how bad... Give me a white joke. Tell me then. Well, I think the world is over because once we stop being real tall guys that that's gay, we got these guys wearing felt hats. I don't know. I saw these guys.

The fuck are you talking about, Arturo? Come back over here. Yes. What ethnicity are you? I was born in Peru. So... Peru. Brown, Latino.

Okay. 100% Peruvian? Yep. I moved here when I was 13 and I took... That's not the right music for Peruvian. No, no. That is the most ice-leakin' scene that's in a different galaxy, red band.

You like... What's a delicious Peruvian treat? It's a... Get a pig. It's Peruvian... It's not empanadas, it's a... It's guinea pig. Okay.

The thing that looks like a rabbit. You're trying to drive this guinea pig thing, but you guys do a special flower-wrapped treat. Peruvian. Not tamales. No, it's Peruvian. How do you not know this? Are you really Peruvian?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. God. I used to have a green card, but... I'm Peruvian. I'm a married white woman, so... Does anybody else know what I'm thinking of? Churros. No, it's not Churros.

Churros. I said that. Jesus Christ. It's David Lucas' retarded friend of... Ceviche. Ceviche. It's cocaine. Churros.

Churros. What a fucking idiot. I love it. What do you do for work, Arturo? I work for our tech overlords, so I'm looking to get canceled tonight. Okay, well... Tech overlord. All right.

There you go. There you go. Tesla, huh? What? Tesla? No, VMware. I hope I get a severance after I get canceled tomorrow. What do you do for fun, Arturo?

This is what I'm at. I'm going to open mics. I do woodworking. Other than this. Other than this. I do a little woodworking. Woodworking? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. What do you make out of wood? I make cutting boards, like furniture and whatnot. I'm building my set for a failed YouTube channel. What's your love life like? Well, I got really drunk at brunch last night yesterday and it opened mic set and I was making out, apparently, some of these open mics are solid and I just like to...

Jesus Christ. I'm just leaning into the scumbag Latino vibe. You're having fun. That's what matters. Yeah. It's the last over. No COVID. No AIDS.

No condoms. You're hanging out with a white supremacist show. Absolutely. I love it. Arturo, what's a fun fact about your life that we'd be surprised to know about you? I used to be a math lead as a kid. You used to be a what? Math lead.

A math lead. Oh, wow. Yeah. I have a degree in geology, a science degree. Oh my God. Are you a virgin as well? No. No.

I mean, I just... I have a virgin. Oh, you are? How many... Can we get a girl to come down here and kiss Alex Jones? Come on. I'm a little scared. Come on.

As long as she has stinky feet. I love it. Take those two girls earlier. I'm very scared. I love it. Arturo, is there anything about your life that we would find interesting? Let's pretend like we're just on a podcast right now and like we could talk about anything in the world about you and your history other than being a math lead.

Is there anything else a fun fact about you or your family or the way you were raised or anything? Yeah. What's the racism of the show? I almost died playing Pokemon Go once. You what? I almost died playing Pokemon Go. How do you almost die playing Pokemon Go?

How's that possible? Yeah. Well, I was really drunk and it had just come out and I've just started wandering and I had like four IPAs in me. You'd just come out. Yeah. And then I peed myself and fell asleep on the ground or passed out and... All right.

I came too. So, I made it. Thank you. Thank you for everything. All right. Arturo, you are about as exciting as cancer. Yeah. Do you really have a backup pen in your front pocket just in case if your other pen goes

back? No, they have my jokes. Are you kidding me? Double pen Arturo! Guys, if you're not loving Alex Jones right now, you guys need to drink more. I'm having the time of my life. The best day of my life. Very rarely does a first time guest win my heart over immediately, but I am in love

with Alex Jones. Arturo, you did it, dude. You made your first appearance on Kill Tony. There's a little joke book for you. Thank you very much. You're two and a half weeks in. Thank you. Arturo, listen to me.

You're two and a half weeks in, bro. Yes. Don't give up. Get back to the fucking drawing board. Take massive chances and come back, sign up again and let it rip. All right? Absolutely. Thank you.

There he goes. Arturo Lorenzo, everybody. Fuck yeah, man. There you go. He's a real math lead, everybody. David's not here, right? Right. Exactly.

David Lucas is in LA, taking care of his children. He has multiple babies with multiple baby mamas. So if you're wondering if David Lucas is a real black man, he has got real children that he's taking care of. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name. Oh, you know what? Yeah, let's do that.

I like that idea, actually. Last week, to start the show, we had one of our favorite Asian comedians come up and sing the national anthem to start things out. And as a gratitude for him doing that, we're going to give him a minute here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Hans Kim, everybody. I want to hear it again. I want to hear the anthem. Here he is.

Fresh haircut, Hans Kim. Oh, my. Hey, what's up, guys? I'm Asian. I'm going to be here in the South. I'm also a Southerner from South Korea. Yeah. There's only two things I like, shooting commies in K-pop.

Real Southerner. My Asian friends make fun of me because I like to eat General So's chicken. They're like, Hans, isn't General So just a shitty Americanized version of something authentically Asian? And I'm like, yeah, but so am I. My favorite movie is Rush Hour 3. I think my favorite Marvel movie would have to be The Black Panther because it gave black children a hero they could finally look up to.

And not just someone like Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, or Harriet Tubman, or Thurgood Marshall, or Rosa Parks, or Maya Angelou, Kofi, or Nelson Mandela, Jay-Z, Oprah, Jackie Robinson, Muhammad Ali. Now there's a fake person that dresses like a cat. Wow. Thank you. Hans Kim. Thank you.

Wow. That is how it's done, my friend. Thank you so much. That is how it is done. My goodness. Look at you. That is absolutely incredible, Hans. How long have you been on stand-up again?

Eight years. Eight years. You live here in Austin, correct? Yes. So you're available. You're in town, right? Yes. You're doing gigs.

You did the Death Squad gig on Thursday. How'd that go for you? It went great. Thank you, Red Ben, for having me. And that's a brand new minute right there. You just did an episode with, what was that one that came out last week? Russell Peters and Ron White. That was the one before that.

You have done well, Lord Vader. It was... You mean last week? No, that was here. The one that aired last week. The one that aired last week. Jessica Michelle Singleton. Jessica Michelle Singleton, right?

I was on with Russell Peters. Oh, okay. It was that episode. How did I see that? Have you been on multiple times? I've been on twice. Right. And that's not counting the National Anthem last week.

So I'm going to tell you something here. I'm going to tell you something very, very interesting. In the current condition of Kiltoni, David Lucas has to take off a couple weeks every month to take care of his baby mama, or his babies, not his baby mama. And we have not announced a new regular on the show in literally... How do you do? Oh, yeah. It's been literally years, years.

It has been years since we made Michael Laira regular, years since David Lucas, years since William. But anytime one of those three guys can't make it, which is quite often as you will find out, would you be willing to be the new regular here on Kiltoni? Yes. A thousand times. Hell yeah. Very, very exciting.

What a brilliant political move on my part. We need more Asian comedians. Red Band and I had no intention of doing this until halfway through your set when you were getting huge laughs. We started the conversation. The decision was made immediately. How do you feel right now, Hans? I feel amazing.

I feel like all the years of homework have finally paid off. That's right. Well, Hans, here you are, the first ever fourth regular of the show, the third wheel, which is fitting because that's how many wheels are on a rickshaw. Okay, people don't know what a rickshaw is. That's okay. I'll take it. It'll get laughs on the internet.

That one. Hans, very, very exciting stuff. That was an absolutely incredible set. Snag yourself one of these big joke books on you. Have you gotten one yet? Have I given you a bit? I have one. Okay.

Forget it then. We'll save the leather. Guys, I mean, I'm so excited about this. How loud can this place get for the newest regular of Piltoni? Thank you so much. I love you all, Sid. Yeah, absolutely. I started smoking cigarettes three weeks ago again.

Yeah. And then I've heard that look at the comedians going crazy. They're jumping up and down. That is so cool. I love the support Austin comedians supporting Austin comedians. Honestly, he's one of my new favorites. Ever since he moved out here, I've really enjoyed his comedy. You can actually see him Thursday here at Vulcan doing a set at the Death Squad Secret

Show also. So there you go. Hans Kim is in the mix. You guys just witnessed history in the history in eight years of the show. We've only had that many regulars. There's only been eight of them. But who should we get rid of first? That's a question for you gossiping idiots.

The next name I pulled out of the bucket goes by the name of Riley Gilmore. Here we go. Here goes Riley Gilmore. Riley Gilmore. Riley Gilmore. Here he is. Come on, guys. One more time for Riley Gilmore.

Riley Gilmore. Thank you. Thank you so much. Sorry, I look like a racist middle schooler. I had a gay dream last night, though. I dreamt my mom wouldn't let me vape in the house. And that was super gay. But I was talking to a guy who works in a morgue and I told him I like to have sex with

the dead bodies. And I was like, dude, are you serious? And he said, yeah, dead ass. I'm starting to eat a local Mediterranean food. I don't really like supporting big shawarma. There was a pedophile epidemic, I don't know if you guys heard about this, a pedophile epidemic in the Boy Scouts. Over 3,000 sexual predators were identified.

So for this, each scout earned their predator identification badge and a kiss on the lips. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Riley Gilmore. Coming in. Hard to follow Hans Kim up here. It's the Jeffrey Epstein badge. What?

The Jeffrey Epstein badge. Oh, OK. Hell yeah. Yeah. Riley Gilmore, welcome to the show. Thank you. According to your skin tone, this is your first time being out in months. You are as white as it gets, huh?

Yeah. A long drive from Round Rock to be here tonight. I buy sunscreen from Costco, so. I love it. You're suburban as fuck. Where do you live? I live in Riverside right now. Wait, is that a city?

That's a city or a street? It's like, it's just right below the river south. Wow. So it's by the side of the river? Thanks a lot, buddy. Wow. Suburban as fuck. I live in Mountaintop.

It's the top of the mountain. Thank you, Riley. Sorry. Absolutely incredible. Do you live in Gilmore? Any relation to Happy? Yeah. I'm sad, Gilmore.

OK. There you go. Riley, how long have you been on stand-up? Uh, two and a half years. Two and a half years. What do you do for a living? I, uh, deliver groceries to people, middle-class people. How do you know it's just middle-class and not upper-class?

I don't know. If they were upper-class, they'd be ordering from, like, Whole Foods. I'm, like, an H-E-B guy. Oh, OK. You know what? I got to say, I'm going to be honest with you. I know a lot of upper-class people. I'm not, I might not be one of them.

I don't want people to think that I have money. But I will say this, is that I, one of the first things I did was I got rid of everything I ever liked, Whole Foods, and I switched to H-E-B right away, all the way. Absolutely. You will never see Tony Hinchcliff in a Whole Foods again. H-E-B, or it ain't me, motherfucker. Tell us why, though. Why, why?

You're an H-E-B guy, right, Alex? I am. I'm not a whole paycheck guy, yeah. Yeah. Joe Rogan's an H-E-B guy? No, Joe's an Aldi guy. No, not here. No, he's not Red Band.

That doesn't even make any sense. There's not Aldi's out here. Let's make Brian Red Band a host for 10 minutes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Alex, that's literally the worst thing that's ever come out of your mouth. Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Red Band. No one. All right, guys.

Okay, there's one idiot. One idiot clap. Come on, guys. One idiot clap and the slutty cougar clap, too. That's it. That's all you got. That's my girls. Riley, what's something interesting about your life?

Tell us about it. I've never come during sex. What? Do you have like a clog hole? There's probably some cotton in there. Just pull it out. Okey-dokey. That was not worth it.

Why don't we just let it breathe a little bit, Red Band? What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, I don't know, man. That's the question to ask. What do you mean you haven't come during sex? It's, I don't know, man. Okay, stop. How do you come?

When do you come? Usually when the clock strikes 12. Riley. No, I don't, I mean, I come. Like, I can come on my own. Right. I just can't come with another person. What do you have to do to come on your own?

He's like general Jack T. Ripper and Donna Straig's love. He denies the women in his essence. Okay. Who wants to figure this out, son? You sound like a pirate. I don't know. Figure that out? Huh?

Smart, huh? Tell me, my mate, why you don't come in your sluts. Let's be serious. Riley, how do you make yourself come? Tell me how you make yourself come. Usually by jerking off. Right, jerking off. Sometimes I watch porn.

What type of porn do you watch to make yourself come? You know, you know, women. Riley, there's something you're not telling us, my little friend. I'm sorry to break the news to you, but everyone thinks you're lying about something up here. No, no, I don't know. It's like something I'm actually hoping you could help me out with.

Well, I'm trying. No, no, no, no, no, wait. No, I mean, I just... All the fag hags are going crazy over here right now. Look at this lady. Yeah, I don't know. It's a... Okay, all right.

So let's talk about it. Let's talk about it nice and slowly. Let's talk about what you do when you got that woman back in for it. I'm going to ask you questions, Riley. I want you to answer them honestly, okay? So when's the last time you had sex with a woman? Two days ago.

What? Everybody shut the fuck up. Everybody else. This place is getting a little bit fucking rowdy right now. Just now? I promise. It's still a live podcast. Yeah, the other day.

The other day. The other day. So you're able to get hard for a woman, is that correct? Yeah, yeah. Easily. Yeah, pretty, you know... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, once I'm like, you know, comfortable enough, you know... What does it usually take for them to make you comfortable enough? Suck my dick. Okay. Hey, I'm with you on that, buddy. Right? Finally, something we can relate to each other about. I also agree, sucking my dick gets me hard.

Wow. Very good. You're a real human being. Okay. So, like, you've had sex with women, they've sucked your dick, you have sex with them, unprotected or always with a condom? No, no. Unprotected.

Unprotected, and you still can't come. That's not right, dude. What are you thinking about? Thank you, Red Band. Thank you, Dr. Red Band. No, no, no. Like, that's some serious shit. Like, when you were a kid, did you get molested?

Okay, Red Band, again. Maybe back to, did you get molested? No. Okay, perfect. Not that I know of. All right, so let's keep talking about it. We're gonna figure it out here. Have you tried different positions sexually with girls?

No, come. You've never come with a girl? I feel like it's too wet, you know. What? Wow. Okay. Deep madness, what do you think about all this? Jesus Christ, man, really?

It's like putting a fish in water. I had to get up when I can't see you and I had to get up. You can't just keep talking. Well, tell this young man how he's supposed to do it. No, I'm not gonna roast him that hard. Deep madness is absolutely shocked that a wet pussy can't make you come. Yeah, deep madness. Tell us how he's supposed to do it.

This is the first time deep madness has stood since we started doing shows in Austin. He's never felt this passionately about anything at all. Until you said, I don't know why I can't come. I think it's because the pussies are too wet. You just got to get it going there, son. I looked out there. I saw women literally like they can't fathom what you're saying right now. Okay, so let me ask you this, Riley.

Here's my next question. I'm gonna try to get an answer out of you from. Here it is, Riley. You ready for it? How dry is your hand when you're jerking off? Like what type of like powder are we putting on this fucking thing? Is it like a pool player? Are you chalking up your hands?

Are you like a gymnast before doing a pole ball? Like how dry does it need to be? Yeah, when you see like there's an air of desert, you get turned on. I don't know, man. And I'm still holding my base with my right hand still standing up here. So I'm still waiting for your answer. D Madness is literally taking a stand right now. He is literally something I don't know how this ends with D Madness.

He might just start running any direction. Maybe I've never seen anything like this before. You have put the show to a complete halt Riley Gilmore and I love it. This is how an interview works. Thank you. I tried twice earlier. I go, is there anything interesting about you whatsoever? And then here's Riley, the first guy in the history of the show

to say I can come by myself but not with someone else. Have you ever been with a girl with a dry pussy? Or have you ever tried like when you're about to fuck a girl where you put your dick in her like burping her face or do something to like make her dry? Right. Have you ever thought about letting Red Band fuck the girl for a little bit before you put it in?

That's right. We could try that. You haven't seen a dry pussy till Red Band's gotten hold of it. That thing's fucking dusty and crusty. It'll definitely be dry after that. Riley, so this is so interesting. Have you ever been with a girl, had great sex with her? That's lasted a long time?

Yeah. And then all of a sudden they're, you know, they're, I'm sure, I'm positive that these girls sometimes are offended. They go, is something wrong? Yeah, definitely, definitely. And what do you do then? Are you just like, we'll watch this and you just fucking blow the wetness off your dick and then just fucking attack it?

Like, what do you do? Do you just... No, I'm normally just like, eh, it's okay. You just don't come? Yeah. Have you ever faked it? Like just grab some blue cheese and throw it on her face? No, no, actually.

Wow. I think I have faked it before. But, uh... Is that the Seinfeld thing? D-Madness is stealing the show right now. He's roasting him with a bass guitar. Oh my God. He can't, he just said he can't take any more of this shit.

Oh my God, I'm gonna fucking die of laughter, man. D-Madness, just one of the nicest people in the world will not accept this whatsoever. I know, how do you think I feel? Okay. But you have come with a girl, like you did jerk off, like... No. Never. No.

Maybe I should try that. Yeah. Wait, how old are you? How old are you? You haven't thought about this? Yeah, I mean... You haven't been like, well, maybe I'll just, you know, like at least show them that I'm attracted to them, but I need something dry.

No, I think it's not, maybe it's not about the wet thing. It's like, just like, I don't know, like, peer pressure maybe? Peer pressure? Fucking peer pressure, bro? I don't know, I don't know. It could be anything. Wait, wait, wait. Alright, hold on a second.

Where are the girls from the red rose, the yellow rose? Because maybe if we dry hump this guy, how many of you want to see Riley come for the first time? Wait, what? I just saw my friends put their faces in their hands like this. What if he just has a really small dick? You know, like, that's why you can't... No, that's not the problem. No.

No, I knew from the moment he got, this isn't a small dick. No. No, this is a guy that has mental problems. It's not a small dick issue. You can't dress like that if you have a little dick. That's fucking... What are you talking about? He looks like Meg from Family Guide.

Look at you. Look at Red Band. Red Band. Riley. Look at that. Listen to me. I'm going to tell you something. I know something about the Kiltoni fan base, and this is a fan base that likes to take control.

Alright? I'm sure there's a girl that's been watching you this whole time. She's out there. I don't know which one it is. Alright? And I bet you she has the driest fucking pussy you've ever seen. That's actually a condition. I mean, there's nothing like it.

It's like... It's like the Sahara. Yeah. It's drier than fucking Pang Dang's comedy set. Alright? Like, it's like... Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. The very elusive and always wanted Pang Dang joke. Fun fact about Pang Dang, he's never going to come here either. That's the best one right there. Alright. Riley, I spent 15 minutes on your fucking not coming ass, and it was so much fun, dude. Write another minute. Come back again, okay?

Thank you. There he goes. Riley Gilmore, everybody! Riley! There you go. Riley Gilmore. He's on Instagram at RileyGE. Alright.

JP Puthin Batil, Charles Adams Jr. And David Flores is David Sito 444. Alright. I pulled a name out of the bucket earlier when I brought up Hans Kim. I'm going to bring this person up. We're going to see what happens here. But we haven't had a lady up. Should we get a lady up here?

Alright. You guys ready for a lady? Unlike Los Angeles, Austin has very few female comedians. And we, believe it or not, contrary to what USA Today, Fox News, TMZ, the Daily Mail would like you to know, we are as equal opportunity as it gets here at Kill Tony. And so I'm going to pull until I get a lady. Errol is not a lady, right? E-R-O-L?

That's not a lady, right? No. Rich Hirschberger. We know him. We love him. Tyler Brown. I don't know. Justin Essenmayer.

God, we need more females than Austin. Sam Pickett. Dallas Irvin. We are going to get a lady up here if it's the last thing we do. Anthony Martin is not a girl. Brandon Gray. How about Amber Alex Jones? He's going P real quick, I do believe.

It's going to double stack. Duncan Trussell on the toilet. Oh my God. She is? Well, we'll get to it. Jesus Christ, guys. Really, females, if you're a comedian, move to Austin, Texas immediately. You'll have a showtime special in like 20 minutes.

Patrick Gareth. Oh my God. All right. Here we go. We got to it. We actually know this lady. She's all the way from New York City. She's been on the show before.

She absolutely destroyed. I cannot wait to see a new minute from her. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Leonardo Joni, everybody. What's up? What's up? You guys had a good childhood? Yeah, I can always tell who had a good childhood because they do silly shit like pick their gender. I mean, as soon as you tell me your pronouns, I know you never got beat.

Do you guys know who Fallon Fox is? All right. For those of you who don't know Fallon Fox is, I'll explain. Fallon Fox is the first transgender MMA fighter. That's right. Be quiet. All right. I'll break it down for you.

Fallon Fox used to be a man, is now a woman, now gets into the ring with women. Yeah. Call me old fashioned, but I remember a time that if you wanted to beat up a woman, you had to date her first. All right. We ain't fighting if we ain't fucking. You know what I mean? All right.

You want to crush this skull, you're going to crush this pussy first. I'm going to be an art a journey doing it again. It's enjoying myself so much. I lit up another cigarette. I didn't forget. I forgot to mention that I said I started smoking three weeks ago. I don't know what happened three weeks ago in which I would ever want to start smoking cigarettes again.

But anyway, and then I found out last week, this is true that, and this is amazing that I found out that if you're in Texas and the state of Texas and you're an artist that performs on stage, you can smoke anytime you want. And let me tell you something. That is one more thing that makes Texas better than California. I just wanted to make sure you guys knew that, that we love it here. We're glad you guys welcomed us, but we are happy to be here. Leonardo, you moved from the beautiful city of New York City or a regular comedian there

doing it all the time and very, very highly respected in the community. And you moved to Austin, Texas recently, right? I did. And how recent? A few weeks ago? About three months ago, actually. Okay. Yeah.

And how are you enjoying everything? Tell us more about being Leonardo in Austin. It's been pretty good, actually. Everybody's like really nice to me, which is surprising. Yeah. Well, I mean, you're used to people in New York just like yelling at you for anything. Right. Yeah.

Have you noticed the lack of female comics here in Austin? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, there's a dearth of them. Deb, do you know any female comics in New York? And you're like, you should get the fuck over here. No. No.

Yeah, because people in New York, people in New York live in this weird little bubble where all they talk about, the second they get off stage in New York, they talk about, this is the only place to fucking do it. That's all they talk about. Fuck LA, fuck everywhere else, fucking Joe Rogan thinking he's going to start it. They always sound like Joey Diaz, but that's all they do, literally, except for David Tell, who just keeps writing jokes and burying all of them. But that's all they do is talk about how New York's the best, and then they have to arrive

at a festival and follow an LA comedian, and they end up coming up with excuses very quickly on why their set didn't go so great. But Leonardo, you are a rare exception. What made you have the balls to move out of New York and into Austin? Well, the last show I did in New York was for like three pigeons, and I was like, I'm out. I can't do this. It was for midgets? No, for three pigeons.

Three pigeons? It was in the middle of February. They decided to do the show outside, and there was like three pigeons, and they were heckling us. So I was like, I gotta go. Okay. All right. So you did a show for it. Did the pigeons laugh?

At my jokes. Okey-dokey. Leonardo, I got to meet your boyfriend last week, and he looks nothing like you. Amazing photographer. Amazing photographer. Her boyfriend is? Yes. Really?

Yes, he's awesome. Like, there's been so many photographers that have taken photos of us since we've been here in Austin, and he immediately was my favorite when I first saw him. He's great. You could check him out on his Instagram. Jalen takes photos. Yes. Jalen takes photos.

Awesome. So is there something about your life or what you do for fun or something that we haven't talked about yet on this show? I like to go bowling. You do? Yeah, that's a new thing. Let me ask you this. There was a guy on earlier that said that he couldn't come with a woman.

What are your thoughts on this? That's what I want. I'm going to ask you, in a very rare instance in the show's history, I'm going to ask a comedian about a question about another comedian that was on earlier. What do you think about this fucking guy? Let me just say, I only come with women. I don't think it's gay folks. I love you.

But I like women. I have no problem coming with women. I mean, we've seen some new stories, Alex. I don't know if that's 100% true. Oh, really? Well, okay. Me and Brian used to date. Come on.

We have to make a teaser before this episode comes out with Alex just saying things with multiple microphones. Brian. All right. I've been dating Brian Redmayne for 20 years. He had three of my children. Yeah. What do you think about this guy?

He's gay. 100%. Why is that a mystery? That's gay. I agree. We should have had a guy come up here and give him a lap dance and see if he got harder or not. I'm gay.

I'm gay. Wait, let's bring him back up. All right. D-Madness just said, God, it's nice to be blind. I'm a big fan of him. Since I'm gay, it's obviously going to sit on my lap. Come here, right there. I love Alex Jones, though.

I'm a huge conspiracy theory. Oh, Brian's gay. Oh, really? Yeah. You're a big Alex Jones fan, huh? Big, big. What's your favorite conspiracy theory? Yeah.

Oh, the reptilians, man. That's the best one. Oh, shit. That's the best one. But I haven't seen any black reptilians. I always get credit for that. That's David Ike. I'm not saying he's wrong, but yeah.

Wait, what? I always get credit for the reptilian conspiracy. That's not me. I'm not saying David Ike's wrong. I'm just not saying we're run by lizards. Yeah. Though I did watch Land of the Lost. Maybe it's true.

Yeah. And Joe Biden looks like a lizard. So maybe it is true. It is. It's weird getting confused with other people in your field that have done other things. I know that because a lot of people have been calling me Mike. Oh, it's the Bigfoot, dude. I'm like, no, that ain't me.

No, no. You're the guy of the Bigfoot guy. I'm like, no ass, not me. Some people. Oh, shut up. We're buying you lunch. You're the Bigfoot guy. I'm like, OK, buy me lunch.

I'm Bigfoot guy. Some people step on a joke. Alex Jones just cannonballed on a joke right then. You're OK, Alex. I'm the last splash. No, I can't start it over. It won't work. All right, I'll do it again.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Say I get a lot of credit for the reptilians, but that's not me again. I get a lot of credit for the reptilians because I have the largest micro penis in America. No, say I got credit for the reptilian conspiracy, but that actually wasn't me. Say that. I get a lot of credit for the reptilian conspiracy, but that actually wasn't me. I know what that's like, getting confused with people in your field that actually did something else.

A lot of people in my Twitter mentions have been calling me Michael Richards lately. See how it didn't work? That's why it didn't work. That's why I wouldn't do it again. We'll edit that out. It's OK, everybody. Oh, no, you gotta leave the bad jokes there. I know.

I'm kidding. We always leave in when I say I'm going to edit that out, and then people go, oh, you forgot to edit it out. It's time to call it out. Listen, I'm here tonight because we got married last week in Vegas. That's goddamn right. We got married. It's all true.

I'm gay. Serious shit. I'm gay. It's my husband. Absolutely. And I can't come. That's not fake news. I can't come unless it's in Alex Jones' ass.

I fucked my wife five times before I got here. That's why I'm gay. 100%. Leonardo, you are a goddamn gem. You absolutely kill it. Every single goddamn time we see you. Anything else for Leonardo? She'll be on the Death Squad Secret Show Thursday, so you can see her do a full set.

You guys got to come to these Death Squad shows. Thank you. As you can tell, Leonardo, you already have a joke book, right? No? OK, here you go. Here's a big one. Take a big one. You deserve it.

How about a big hand for Leonardo? These jokes books are from Adrian Cavazos. You have to follow him on Instagram at Bones Eye. We're having fun here. Thanks to the red rose and the yellow rose and fucking everything. Guys, as you can tell, you're at a show in which Joe Rogan and Duncan Trussell just swung by for a second. This Austin comedy scene, it's going to be something that the world talks, it's going

to be written about in history books. What's about to happen here? It's already started. I just want to remind you to go to every fucking, there's no limits to how many live shows you're allowed to go to per week. Check out the Death Squad show. Go to all the crazy shows. You come to Kill Tony every week.

Go to everything you can. Have fun. That's what it's here for. Because it is forbidden. I mean, seriously, it's just open free speech. Why is that a problem? That's America. You're goddamn right.

You're goddamn right it is. It's the most American thing in the world. Dirty jokes. You guys think we should do one more out of the bucket and then get out of here, huh? Look at Joe White over there taking pictures. I love that motherfucker. Oh, look at that. If that isn't destiny, I don't know what is.

Look at that. I just pulled Hans Kim out of the bucket, everybody. He signed up tonight. He had no idea we were going to throw him up. All right, your final comedian out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of Nathaniel Allen, everyone. Here we go. Nathaniel Allen.

Come on, guys. Make some noise. Nathaniel Allen. One more time. One more time for Nathaniel Allen, everybody. Thank you. I like that hair. I like the hair.

All right. So, yogurt used to make me gag when I was younger. I thought it was a textural thing. Turns out I was just sticking a spoon too far back. I think the female orgasm reminds me a lot of fishing. You know, they're both really elusive. The only difference is when I go fishing and I don't catch a fish, the water doesn't lie to me and say, yeah, you caught a fish.

I personally like women with small boobs. It's really more of an insecurity than a preference. I'm just worried that if I marry somebody who has double D's at 22, that she'll have double U's at 52. You know, I don't want to be getting intimate with my wife one day and take her bra off, have a pair of truck nuts fall out on me. I've always wanted to play spin the bottle, you know. It's a long one.

I'll just end it. All right. Nathaniel Allen, welcome to the show, sir. That was good. Hell yeah. Looking like fucking Thor with leukemia up here. Somebody used his prowl. Yeah, Jesus.

That is amazing. Did you curl your hair like that? No, I just showered today. Oh, look at that. Even the mic stands like I got to get the fuck away from this. My God, Nathaniel, welcome to the show. How long have you been in stand-up comedy? About a month.

About a month. What made you start? I really started two years ago, but I did it in Boston like three or four times. I loved it and I was like, I need to move somewhere where I can do this more because I was from New Hampshire. So I can only do it like once a week. I moved down to New York City and then COVID hit so I couldn't do it at all. So then I moved down here. So two years later, I'm doing it.

Here you are. Absolutely. What a wild time. What a wild story. How old are you, Nathaniel? I'm 22. Wow, 22 years old. That's how old I was when I started.

That's incredible. Look at you. Look good. It might be at one point you could be one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Anything could happen. Nathaniel, you're absolutely adorable. You're 22 years old. You just moved out here to Austin all by yourself.

You have the haircut of a seventh grade girl. What else about you? What do you like to do for fun, Nathaniel? Tell us what 22-year-olds are doing for fun nowadays. I have a guitar at home that I'm terrible at playing. Really? Oh boy. I like to do yoga.

It's great to help me sleep. Wow. Can you also not come with a woman? I mean, I have. I have. I bet you have, dude. I bet those little curly hairs go wild when... Have you ever straightened your hair?

Have you ever tried anything different? Yeah, this is the second time I've grown my hair out long. I grew it out when I was in, like, sixth grade, and I used to straighten it because I hated the curls, but it just looked greasy and gross. But your mom would always tell you, don't straighten it, Nathaniel. She would say cut it off.

She didn't. She doesn't like me with long hair. Are you Puerto Rican? What are you? I'm German and French. What? What do you see Puerto Rican about? Yeah, I don't see it.

What show are you watching? I mean, the hair is Puerto Rican. Are you talking to, like, Michael over there or something? Yeah, the Puerto Rican hair. Oh, my goodness. I would understand you asking that. No, no, no. Are you talking about this fucking

inglorious bastard over here? I'm a Puerto Rican with a thyroid problem. I love it. Nathaniel, how do you make money? I'm a server downtown. Okay, where are you serving at? North Italia. Oh, I know that place, actually.

Yeah, I've been there. I've been there. They have the meatballs appetizer, right? Yeah, they're really good. I love that. I mean, people know this about me, but I could survive off of only meatballs. I'm a hamburger guy,

but that's a flat people. We always heard balls, but... You're a hamburger guy. Oh, yeah. Very good. For those of you that missed red bands... Shut up. A little baby gay joke, guys.

Shut the fuck up. I said that. I love balls, so for those of you that missed it, if you have a learning disability, you don't want to miss that joke, everybody. Derv. Nathaniel, so you play guitar, but you suck at it?

Are you being serious or are you being humble? No, I mean, I can play, like, three or four songs, but I'm really not all that. What songs can you play? What three or four songs can you play? I can play Blackbird by the Beatles. I can play Dust in the Wind by Kansas.

Matt, what do you think about that? Oh, shit. No, no, no, no, no. Come on. You know, you got to grab it. You got to grab it. Michael Gonzalez with a little drum roll until he grabbed his phone for some reason.

I don't know what he's doing. This is the moment of truth right here, everybody. He's got the hair of a rock star, or a Puerto Rican. He's got the body of a lesbian softball player. We're going to see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Nathaniel Allen. Kiss me.

Oh, yeah. That's actually really good. Okay. Dust in the Wind is also one of the only things that makes that one guy come. I don't know. I don't know what we're doing. All right.

Did Alex lead to, you know, you're canceled when Alex Jones walks off of your podcast, by the way. This is where my career is at right now. Joe and Duncan got here and they're like, what are we doing again? I love it. You're adorable, dude. You just played Kansas Dust in the Wind.

Yeah. My goodness. Wow, Nathaniel. Any other fun facts about you? You seem like the kind of guy that I don't know. I feel like there's something there that you're not telling us about you. Yeah.

I wanted to be a chef, but then my girlfriend died and that derailed my life. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second. Wait a second. Yeah. Wait a second. This is about to be...

Hold on. This is about to be an epic moment. How long were you dating this girl for? It was a middle school relationship. So it was like eight months and then she... Wait. Hold on. Wait.

What grade? Hold on. It was eighth grade. Eighth grade. So you're dating this girl for a few months. Yeah, it was the first girl I dated. The first girl you ever dated. So the first love of your life.

You're in eighth grade. Yeah. Everything's fine. You're getting boners and stuff, right? Yeah. You're like making out. Did you guys like tongue kiss? Just regular kiss.

Tongue kiss? Yeah. You never threw a finger in her though, right? No. Eighth grade's a little too early for that. That summer between eighth grade and high school. I was a little nervous. Everyone knows you're not allowed to finger until the summer before high school.

Tony, you're giving me goosebumps. It's an... Okay. Thank you, Red Band. Red Band's Chokes brought to you by Don Julio, by the way. Okay. So hold on. You're in eighth grade.

You're getting boners. You're making out. Life is good. No fingers. And then what happens? She was walking home and got hit by a drunk driver. Oh my God. Yeah.

Red Band and I are now just doing a podcast for ourselves. We are clearly laughing harder than anyone else in the room. I don't know how... Very rarely does it end up this way, but whatever. You guys can leave if you want to. At least. Okay. Nothing is more exciting to us than someone losing a loved one.

We don't know why it is. We can't explain why it makes us feel good because it's so wrong and that's what we love. Yes. Okay. And you're laughing about it. For those of you just listening, he's laughing about it before you go make a fucking video about it. Jesus Christ.

Anyway, so Nathaniel. Wow. Yeah. How does an eighth grader get hit by a drunk driver? Was she walking at nighttime? Yeah. She was on the sidewalk and the lady went up onto the sidewalk. Oh my God.

Yeah. Did she hit anybody else? Was your girlfriend walking by herself? Yeah. She was with a friend of hers and it shattered her pelvis, busted her spleen. It was pretty bad. Jesus Christ. You ever tried to get with her?

No. No. Yeah. No, I didn't. I was a little bit depressed at the time. Yeah. You ever been like, I'll bust on that spleen. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Yeah. So I was, I was going to go. I love the look up. Matt Mueling is a really good guy and he's just like, he's literally like looking at us like, what the fuck are you guys doing right now? Sometimes I'll catch Matt just like, what the fuck am I doing here? D madness is with it though.

D madness. Fun fact. D madness was the one driving the car that killed your girlfriend. Hold on. D madness is going to say something. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get you a fucking microphone.

What? I had a good excuse. All right. I don't know. I know. I agree. D madness. That was the joke the whole time.

Is that you were blind? D madness is, how about a hand for D madness, everybody? A goddamn saint. It's an angel. The guy's an angel sent to us from the heavens above. Okay. So your girlfriend, your eighth grade girlfriend dies. Then what happens?

What do you do? Yeah. I was on the, I was on the path to become a chef. I was going to do it. Technical school, go through the culinary program. And then I changed my mind. I was like, I don't know that I want to do college. This is my high school soundtrack.

You were going to be a chef and then you're like, wow. Yeah. This, this, this, this hamburger reminds me of my girlfriend. Even I think I may have crossed the line there. Okay. Go ahead. Tell us more. You're going to be a chef and then what happened?

And then I decided I wanted to take a break after high school. I ended up having a friend out in Germany. I traveled out to Europe for four months. So you went to Germany. Yeah. I went to Germany and in high school, I was a really straight guy. I was like, no drinking, no smoking, no anything. I was pretty boring, but I got out to Germany and I made a bunch of German friends and I,

I got to go in. What are you doing? Don't, don't do that. He's answering a question on a podcast red band. Go ahead. You know, it was, it was a great time. I drank with a bunch of Germans. I went on to Italy and I was an au pair for this 13 year old kid.

Wait, what? Wait, hold on. Wait, what do you do with a 13 year old kid? I was an au pair. I was like a nanny. An au pair? Yeah. Yeah.

So it's a program where poor people who want to travel can watch people's kids and see the world as well. Jesus Christ. Yeah. It was awesome though. I got to try some homemade Italian pasta that the grandmother made. She spoke no English. She gave me some limoncello.

She made from the lemons in her backyard. Wow. It was a fucking awesome experience. Wow, look at that. And then I came back here. My cousin was at NYU film and he was like, hey, you want to act in a film? And I was like, sure. So I tried it out and I liked it, but at the same time.

All right. Let's talk about this dead girlfriend again for a second. That's how I got the comedy. Shit's getting pretty boring, Nathaniel. I wouldn't do that. I'm going to be honest with you. I want to talk about, so, so when, when that happened, like, I mean, is that like, uh, is that something that you think about a lot?

Like you think that relationship could have lasted if it wasn't for, uh, if it wasn't for, uh, someone crushing her pussy before you did. Oh, God, guys, guys, she's gone. They're still bringing her back now. Tony. It doesn't matter what joke I make. She was killed what 15, 20 years ago. Essentially.

Do you remember the last time you hung out with her? Was the last thing you said to her? Or like, uh, no, I don't remember the last time. Do you remember? Was it like Goo Goo Gaga or something? Essentially. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. There he goes. Nathaniel Allen, everybody. Thank you so much, Nathaniel. We don't have any big joke books. I would give you one, but there you go. There's one. There's one that was, it was the size of your girlfriend's hands when she was, uh.

I can't help myself, people. If you don't know by now, then you never will. And let's, uh, let's do a straight cut so we can edit that out. No, we're not editing anything. We're not editing anything out ever again. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it for those of you that are fans of the show. You know what happens now, ladies and gentlemen, this is it.

There is one last regular that needs to perform tonight. This guy is an absolute fucking genius. You know him from Kill Tony. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. He was a legend at Second City in Chicago. Found out he got Lou Gehrig's disease, decided to chase his lifelong dream of being a standup comedian. We found him within months of that.

And now he's a regular on Kill Tony. What? Oh, that's right. Ladies and gentlemen, a very special treat. You've seen him on Kill Tony before. It's injured dice clay, everybody. We've seen injured dice clay before. He's a legend on this show.

One more time for injured dice clay, everyone. Look, little boy people lost their sheep to COVID complications. She was anti-mask and anti-vax. But now the bitch has no reservations. Dice, dice, dice, dice, dice, dice, dice. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, Mother Hubbard ran into the cupboard to fetch a bottle of wine, and she already had two.

So what that bitch do? She fell and broke her spine. Dice, dice, dice, dice, dice. Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But Humpty stopped that their insurance expired. And now Humpty's wife is pussy for hire. Dice, dice, dice, dice, dice, dice, dice.

Little boy blue. Someone grab an A.P. pen before this kid dies. Dice, dice, dice, dice. The second dude went up the hill to fetch a bottle of water. Jack fell down. He had lead poisoning. The hell was in Flint, Michigan. Dice, dice, dice, dice, dice.

There was no lady who lived in the shoe. She had to go this course and divide, prevented her from being relocated. Can we get this bitch a boot? Dice, dice, dice, dice, dice. Hickory dickory dock. I sat on my cock. One, two, somebody nurse came through

and I fucked every hole in the cracks. Wow. Jesus Christ. Two minutes and 38 seconds. Everybody else trying their hardest to fill a minute with laughter. And here he is bringing back to character injured dice. Kevin, Michael Lair is here showing off his hand sanitizer for some weird reason. Stay sick, y'all.

Yo, let's hear for our first responders, all right? Yeah. Oh, shit. All you second responders can suck my dick. Oh, I'm a responder but I'm so fine. I was the first responder. Guys, the funniest comedian of the night, almost every single show is literally dying.

And he does it every single fucking week. I can't explain how hard it is. I can't explain to you. He doesn't need to do what he does. He did two-and-a-half kill Tony sets tonight for no reason, other than to entertain you people. It doesn't even make any fucking sense. Yeah.

What's up? Well, I have a lot of free time. Oh. Oh. Wait a second. He's injured dice play. That's why it makes sense. He's injured dice play.

He's not Andrew dice play. He's injured. Those are owls, not ows. Oh, wow. My sciatica. I got to tell you guys, I'm just going to share a thought I just had with you. The episodes since we've been canceled have been so much more fun than the episodes than before.

I don't know how to explain it. I just found myself, I've been sitting up here cracking up all night. It's like we unlocked something. Yeah. We really did. I'd like to thank Pang Dang for this. Pang, if you're watching here on camera one, really, I know that you thought you were going to get a boost from this.

You fucking son of a bitch. But really, I mean, thank you from the bottom of my fucking heart. Anyway, Michael Lair. I don't know what to say, man. You did it again. What else? You got anything else to tell these people? No, man.

My nurse said that if I don't drink before I perform, she'll give me $200. Okay. So I'm ready to start fucking drinking. Yeah. Michael, if that's what it takes, then someone will always give you $200 to not drink. I didn't realize you were such a cheap date, but, but holy shit. I mean, you always do great, but goddamn, dude, you're fucking in it. You're supposed to be doing worse every week, by the way.

I don't know if anyone told you this, but that's true. Other than your doctors, but maybe. Well, you know, I'm lucky that Medicaid covers five days of cocaine. Michael Lair out here, Austin resident. The first guy to move to Austin, Texas on Team Kill Tony. Michael Lair comedy.com. Everything Michael Lair is there. Shout out to Alex Jones.

You guys know where to find him. The Alex Jones show. Very easy to find. Thank you to Joe Rogan and Duncan Trestle for making a cameo. A hangover style cameo on Kill Tony tonight. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is absolutely unbelievable. I'm the Joker, red band is Catwoman and Alex Jones is Bane in this one. Those of you that are here might want to go to RyanJBelt.com and buy it.

Remember this night that you were part of the show. I look sexy. How about a hand for the band? Matt Mueling, Michael Gonzalez, indeed madness. Shout out to the red rose and the yellow rose. If you guys are going to strip clubs, if I ever find out, if I ever fucking find out that anybody that comes to this show, ever goes to a strip club other than the red rose or the yellow rose,

I'm banning you from entering Vulcan Gas Company. A place where as you've seen tonight, literally anybody is allowed to perform. I'm not going to let you watch a show here if you ever go to another strip club. Thank you to CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres. Thank you to Don Julio. Thank you to Yoni at Best Barbecue Show. Thank you one more time to the band. Thank you to Whistle Pig Whiskey.

And thank you to our amazing sponsors that stuck by us through all this chaos that we've gone through. But most importantly, most importantly, as we know, because we are the number one live podcast in the world, thank you to you guys, the audience members for coming out tonight. We absolutely love you. Good night everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.