KILL TONY - #511- DANNY BROWN

Episode Date: June 26, 2021

Danny Brown, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Zac Bogus, Michael Lehrer, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/14/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—Credit Karma’s game-changing technology shows you tailored offers for credit cards andpersonal loans that you’re more likely to be approved for, so you can apply with moreconfidence. Apply with confidence today. Go to CREDITKARMA.COM/PODCAST or the Credit Karma app.—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. But we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Yeah! Yeah! Austin, Texas makes a fuckin' noise! Yeah!

How about a big hand for Brian Redban, everybody? Hey, everybody! We're here at Kill Tony Live on 6th Street. Let's scare us away. Fuckin' 6th Street. How about that, huh? How about a hand for the survivors? 13 people shot this week.

Zero deaths. How about a hand for Texas, huh? Okay, let's save the energy. Thank you, Redban, for the good news. Always good news, Redban. Really, king of a comedy over here, yes. Everything is good and we are here for another... How many of you are excited to be here tonight, huh?

Fuck yeah. It's a dangerous show. Not for the week, baby. No one does it better on Mondays than us. How loud can this place get for the band, everyone? Come on, huh? The madness on the bass guitar. Michael Gonzalez on drums.

The great Matt Mueling on guitar. Thanks for dressing up tonight, Matt Mueling. Incredible stuff. You look like Larry the Cable Guy with cancer. I love it, this is great. It's my band. I'm allowed to make fun of them. Fuck it.

The great Ryan Jay-E-Bots here drawing tonight's episode in Los Angeles, California, right now, watching this stream, an exclusive stream, that only he gets. Fun stuff ahead. We're all stuffed up on Barbecue, thanks to our friends over at CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres.

Great Yoni at Best Barbecue show. Hooks it up and we love CM Smokehouse. We go there a few times a week. Everything's good. Shout out to the Red Rose, Yellow Rose. Fun stuff. And all the amazing stuff that goes on here. You know what?

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Hey, y'all! Big Texas welcome! One of our favorite sponsors is back and that's Infinite CBD. As you guys know, Infinite CBD has the cleanest, purest CBD available. You've never heard of CBD.

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you will get 20% off. Once more, that's infinitecbd.com and promo code KILLTONY for 20% off. You guys ready to start the show? Well, well, well. Every single episode I always have

an unbelievably hilarious guest on. We've had some real fucking bangers since we started here at Vulcan Gas Company. I gotta tell you, it's been nothing but momentum. And this is an exciting one. Not only is this guy absolutely hysterical, but he's also one of the great musicians

of the world. He famously has been on KILLTONY before and he's here again. Ladies and gentlemen, Austin Zone. Danny Brown everybody. Oh shit. No way.

Is that the real Danny Brown? I can't see. Oh shit. Oh shit. Danny Brown's the man. No. No. Welcome Danny.

It's the real Danny Brown everybody. How y'all motherfuckers doing? Yeah. Danny, welcome back to the show. It's been a long time since you were on. We had you on in Detroit, Michigan. Not the best time. Danny, maybe

maybe some energizing influences. Too much Adderall. There it is. Now he's in Austin chilling with us. Yeah, no Adderall now. It's just barbecue. What I love about it. It's the opposite effect.

Yeah, that's true. Barbecue here is the opposite of Adderall. It helps you get off it to be honest. Danny, I'm so glad you're with us. We're about to watch a bunch of comedians. You've done this show before. We're going to have so much fun. Anything can happen. You guys know how it works.

A bunch of people signed up before the show. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. I mean, to wrap it up then, we're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And we don't want that. We don't want that. So don't do that. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Well, normally we would start the show by pulling a name out of the bucket and meeting a stranger. We're going to do something really fucking cool to start tonight's show. This guy is the brand spanking

newest regular here on Kill Tony. That was announced here last week live. A brand new regular. And some of you here are going to see him for the very first time. We absolutely love him.

This guy's a grinder. He's going to be a fucking monster. He already is. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you with a brand new 60 seconds the debut of regular Hans Kim, everyone. Here he is. Hello.

Good to be here. My name is Hans Kim. I'm the brand new regular on Kill fucking Tony. I'd have to say my success is 0 to 10% hitting the mics hard 10% writing 80% being Asian at the right time. Just let Tang Dang

do all the work and float right in. You're looking out brother Asian. I live in a van so that I can pursue comedy full time which makes dating really hard because ladies love shelter. It's like this whole thing with them. So even if a date goes well what usually ends up happening is

we go for a drive until I can work up the courage to tell her we arrived 45 minutes ago. Surprise. I used to date this Puerto Rican girl who used to squirt a lot. I call her my squirt or Rican. Thank you. What? Hans Kim, everybody.

A squirt or Rican. Is that true? I didn't know Asian guys could make women squirt. Is that true? Hitachi. Hitachi. You got a discount on those.

Hell yeah dude. I love it. Hans, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. Indeed. Look at this. New family member here on the show. New blood. So many questions I could ask we know barely anything about it. Is that true that you had a Puerto Rican girlfriend

or is that a joke? No, that's just a joke. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. So I was right. You never made anybody squirt. I'm like a sewing machine. What was your longest relationship that you've had? Six months. White girl? Huh? White girl.

White girl, yeah. Oh wow. She was like 38. Oh, okay. I knew there there always has to be something. You know what I mean? An Asian can't ever pool just a normal white girl his age, normal white girl, no mental health problems.

You were a fetish, weren't you? Yeah. Most of the girls I date have an Asian man fetish from the movie Hook. Really? Yeah. I didn't even remember any. What the fuck

are you guys talking about? It's been too long since I've seen Hook. Jeez. Oh yeah, D-Madness got me again. Sometimes I forget he's blind. He's like, I've never seen Hook. I'm like, really?

That's right. He's never seen fucking anything. He's like, I hate that movie. I love the soundtrack though. Hans Kim, so let's talk about it. What's something interesting that you think we should know about you right off the bat since we know almost nothing about you?

We know that you're South Korean. Two weeks ago I had you play a Chinese guy. You sang the National Anthem and you did such a good job, paid some dues and look at you now. So what should we know about you, Hans? I'm a communist. Okay.

I got beat up by the cops. Oh wow, how'd you get beat up by the cops? I was high on acid on the side of the road trying to flag cars. Really? Like female bike cops or what? Bunch of tall midgets. Hold on a second. What were you doing on acid on the sidewalk?

I was driving motor vehicle on acid and then I just, I found myself on the side of the road on the highway on ramp. You like pulled off? Yeah, apparently. I don't remember though. Okay. Okay, typical just Asian driver

has no idea. Has no idea what's going on. Lord knows there were no fucking hazard lights or anything like that going on. That's you. We have actual video. That's actual audio.

That's that actual video. Did you get DUI or what happened? No, they just beat me up, sent me to the hospital, stole my phone, dropped all charges. Wow. Seattle. Seattle, Washington. Wow.

That's how boring Seattle is. The only race they have to beat up is Asian people. That's fucking, that's something else. It's not even a challenge. Danny Brown, what do you think about Hans Kim, man? What do you think about getting beat up by the cops? You know what that's like, right?

I mean, I mean, he kind of sounded like he deserved to get his ass whipped. You know what I'm saying? Did the square taste like Topo Chico? Despacito. What is your current love life like Hans?

Titan, just fucking. Yeah, I'm just plowing the field. Wow. Jeez, doesn't get much more South Korean than that. I had relations with two African-American women. Get the fuck out of here. That's the most... That is unbelievable.

What kind of relations did you have with them? They let you through TSA once or something like that? What are we talking about here? I had vaginal intercourse with both of them. Really? Oh my goodness. How does that happen? Where did you meet one of the...

I always wondered, it's like, how does that happen? Yeah, where do you meet these girls? It's hard for me to have sex with black girls, so... Hans will show you some tricks. You gotta... You gotta confuse them with your dick slash clitoris. Yeah, that's what they're telling their friends. Girl, I had sex with an Asian woman

the other day. So, like, what happened? Where did you meet these girls? At a comedy open, Mike. She was a comedian who'd done it for a couple times. Uh-huh. And then she was like, oh, sorry, I blocked your camera with my chair that one time.

Let me buy you a drink. And then we just kept drinking and touched your underwear. You touched her underwear? Wow, that's an interesting first move. You made it sound like you didn't touch anything else along the way. Like, somehow you were just like, let me just

start there. So, where did you touch her underwear? In the comedy club, in your car? Right over there. Wow, here at Vulcan Gas Company. Yeah. Magic happens here, people. This is where the magic happens.

Some people call this the Vulcan Ass Company. You get so lucky here. Wow, so what happened right over there? You touched her underwear. And then where'd you guys have sex at? What part of this club did you have sex with? In her hotel room, Best Western. Wow.

Oh, fancy, huh? Hell yeah. And then my car got crashed into because I left it on 7th Street overnight. Oh. Super Asian. Blaming it on a hit and run there, huh? Little do you know.

You caused that car accident. Have you got your car fixed? I know it's been pretty... Where have you been living, by the way? My friend Riley Gilmore's house. Oh, wow, I really dropped a name there. Look at that. Shout-outs to Rodney Gilmore.

Social Security Number 374215. Wow. It's your situation. A one-bedroom, two-bedroom? He has four bedrooms and two of his rooms are empty. So, I kind of paid... One of the roommates is out of town.

She's this female African-American lady. Wow, look at that. Such proper verbiage there. A female African-American of... American descent and African skin color. That's a trend. Like, you're so proper. Female African-American lady.

Yeah. Yeah, and... When you say it like that, when you say, she's a female African-American, it makes us think like you call her an N-word with behind her back. When she's back in town or something like that. Oh, just this one roommate.

You know, she's a female African-American. You know those people. Wow, I love it. You like her? Are you guys cool? I mean, are you going to make a move on her at some point? She's like pretty religiously fanatic. I don't think... She's like a little...

not normal all the time. But she's very nice to me. But she thinks Riley's hacking her computer. Oh. You think he is? No. I think she's like... she's a little crazy,

but not in a bad way. I've never heard of a religious fanatic being crazy at all. No one that I know that believes in religion is weird at all. I love it. So wow, Hans, look at you. So you're just single. You're out here playing the field, doing a lot of spots.

You're killing everywhere you go. Everybody's talking about Hans Kim. That's so fun, man. Well, this was a great first set for you here tonight. I'm very excited about, you know, it's just the future is amongst us. Thank you so much. Everybody loves him. It's Hans Kim, everybody.

Getting the night started for us. Your new kill Tony regular. I'm so happy about that. Me too. What a breath of fresh error. Fresh? Fresh error. Are you guys ready for this fucking bucket, huh?

This is where the strange shit goes down. This is where anything can happen. These aren't people that we know that we strategically decided to have up here. This is where shit can go up the rails real fucking quick. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 20 seconds tonight out of the bucket goes by the name of James Henderson.

Here we go, everyone. James Henderson. Are we doing Vulcan? One more time for James, everyone. It's great to follow Hans Kim. I'm a little nervous, but last time I followed Hans Kim was with an African-American lady,

and I was a monster compared to him. But moved here from Key West a few months ago. The only place in Florida that doesn't suck. I'm here in Austin, which, to me, is the only place in Texas that doesn't suck, so we got that going for us. But what I've noticed is that people lied to me about how the weather is here.

They said, oh, it's warm here around. It's great. You'll love it. I'm from Philly, so I'm used to the winter. Fuck, you lied to me, man. The only snow in Key West comes on a stripper's ass served you for 50 bucks. There's no fucking snow in Key West. But you got the red rose, yellow rose, dreamers.

Last time I had anything that rose was in a fucking dream. But I'm glad to be here in Austin, and I think that might be my time. You're so wrong. You have 20 more seconds. 20 more seconds? Okay, man. This is what I get for interrupting my 14-hour troll session on the Internet.

I don't know if you told me that. Bruce Kenner joke? 20 seconds is a long time. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm going to stop you. There's a minute right there. James Henderson. I like your style. He practiced at home. He had a lot of space for laughter

when he was practicing. If you could tell, I didn't practice. They're always so confident, too. It's never like, and this might be the end of my minute. It's always like, and I do believe that's the end of my minute. I see like 39, 40, 41. I'm like, uh...

That ain't a minute, my friend. I love it. Look at you. Look at you. What did you say about trolling? I said that you look like the guy that's on my butt, yeah. I was a 14-hour troll session when I almost puked all over myself

when you told your, uh... I met you. Oh, I was doing stand-up. You were in the audience. That's right. You went, ugh, when I was talking about Caitlyn Jenner's pussy, so I made fun of you. I called you a YouTube commenter

on his first night out since the pandemic. Something like that. That's just a sample of my comedy. I'm doing this Saturday here at Vulcan my return headlining set since, uh... Since the old incident,

you know what I mean? The old fucking... You have the law and order thing? What's the law and order thing? You have that sound effect? Is that a thing? No, we don't have it. Forget it. People's court is not law and order.

Dude, dude, dude. I like your style, James. You remind me of, uh... I liked it when you used to do the show and you'd read our psychic readings. Remember when she used to do that for us? That's for the fans at home. There was a female comedian that looked exactly like you.

They used to do the show. I get meatloaf a lot, not really female. Meatloaf? People think I look like, uh... Really? Oh, my God. That's what he won't. That's what he was going for. When Matt Mueling's roasting you.

That's when you're in real trouble. He's just off-mic. You look like shit, dude. He's right behind you when you're up here. Another worse than that. You don't even know how long a minute is, motherfucker. No clue. I tell girls I last a minute all the time.

James, tell us about your life. You really do. You really look like... I'm very interested. Well, I mean, I fucked around a lot. You play League of Legends. I don't know what that is. I'm not a video game guy, but I'm a big deadhead. Travel around the country.

Really? Grateful dead? Damn. I see you being a fish guy. Hell yeah, you're a deadhead and a bread body. Look at you. I bet you like fish, all kinds. All kinds. That's why I moved to Key West, right? Absolutely. These are all fat hippie-band jokes

that I'm doing for those of you that are losing it here. He likes fish food from Ben & Jerry's, right? Too much. I always think these are the type of dudes that be at swinger parties. Yeah, that's it. Whatever takes you to get laid. This is the kind of guy you see

when you go to the nude beach for the first time. It'd be these niggas, right? I'm not that inconsiderate. It's just like, babe, I don't think we're going to get out of this car. I've always done some freaky shit, but not today. What's some freaky shit that you are into?

We're positive that you're into some freaky shit. I mean, there's got to be something. All sorts of freaky. Like, sexually? Sure, anything. Whatever. Freaky shit I like to break-check truckers on the highway. You like to what? Break-check truckers on the highway. Why would you do that? That's the worst idea ever.

Just here. Wow. I think we have a theme tonight. Comedians who love causing car accidents. There you go. What else are you into when you're not break-checking truckers? I'm going to check you guys out.

Like, I would a dead show or a fish show. I like to see people develop their acts. I love it. I love your return, man. Red Band. I love watching you do great. I love watching you bomb. It's perfect. Jesus Christ. Wow. Can you believe this?

After this guy eats it for 40 seconds, he has the balls. Oh, no. I got my first bomb out of the way. It has the balls to talk to someone that's been doing this a decade like that. It's about to be all night, man. We've only got two hours. Danny motherfucking Brown is in the house.

I normally go for the most. Well, in alphabetical order, it is. What decade? What year are you talking about? What time? I love it. I love it. What else are you into? What other hobbies or something? Give us something about you.

I play a little bit of guitar. You don't play guitar. What do you know how to play on guitar? What are you talking about? I could probably play a few hours set, but I'm not an elite guy. What's your best song? That we would know.

You guys know any dead tunes back there? Any what? They know how to play whatever. Stop talking to them. I'm asking you a question. What's the best song that we know that you know how to play? Friend of the devil? Yeah. What the fuck are you requesting for?

I literally, when I ask someone a question, I'm not hoping, like, man, I hope Red Band comes up with an answer. He says he knows how to play dead songs. Yeah, but why are you requesting? I don't even fucking... I want him to answer Red Band. I asked them questions for them to answer. That was his request. That would really be able to hear. What's the most popular song that this audience would know?

Eyes of the World? Anyone? I can't sing, so it's going to get lost real quick. Eyes of the World? Are you making fun of D-Madness back here? Got it. We can do Friend of the Devil. Matt, what do you... Matt, what do you think? Do you want to give this guy a shot or no? We don't know any...

They don't know any Grateful Dead. Again, I don't know why you checked in with them. You ruined it from the very beginning. I don't know why everybody panics when I... I'm in full control up here, but... I'm learning a lot. Hey, you guys know that any dead songs? It's like, I asked you what you know how to fucking play,

and you immediately go to professional musicians. That's a hell of a point. You're making fun of a bitch. I wanted to see you do bad at two art forms up here tonight. I thought I was excelling at doing this badly. I thought you were thrilled, you know? I love it. I like your style.

You ever eat a girl's ass? Yeah, it happens, right? You know, you get in the heat of the moment and just go crazy. You like that or are you not into that? If they're into it, I'm into it. What's something that you're not into sexually? Uh, male butt sex. Okey-dokey.

Uh, Jesus James. Wow, you disappointed Tony. Yeah, that's... Yeah. You guys... You guys got me. Red Band got his revenge there. Red Band got his revenge from me getting mad

at him answering fucking this guy's questions. Everybody's happy now. But a comeback story. I just picked out the only dead song that would sound good to play guitar. I should have ran with him. I'm taking notes in the head. With a stomach like that, isn't the guitar

like way out there when you're playing it? It becomes a fiddle. You gotta do feel. I like it. Alright, James Henderson. Well, thank you so much. Fun times, dude. All different shapes and sizes of people here. Thank you, guys.

Danny Brown's with us. We're having fun up here tonight. Oh, wait, James, come back up here. James, get up here. Amazing Joke Books. Handmade Kill Tony Joke Books. Made by Adrian Cabazos. At Bones Eye.

M-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E on Instagram. You gotta check them out. These smell good. Smell those? Handmade leather. Incredible work. The good comedians get big ones. The bad comedians get little tiny Kill Tony ones.

James, there you go, buddy. 40 seconds from James Henderson. My guys out there. My boys, the nether hour is here, everybody. Some celebrities in the audience always here at Kill Tony. It's always a scene. You guys having fun out there?

Alright, your next comedian goes by the name of Brett Forte. Everyone here. We go, Brett Forte. Remember Brett? I think I do remember Brett. He's just here, right?

These people in Austin all get lucky. He's a Canadian guy. Always. Oh, here he is. Oh, we remember Brett. It's Brett Forte. I've been here three weeks. I've seen a lot of trends. This one's big in Austin.

The septum piercing among women. I don't see it here tonight. Back me up on it. How come every woman I meet with a septum piercing turns out to be a vegan every time? It's inaccurate, right? It's just a little funny to me. It's like, oh, you won't eat the cow, but you'll dress up like one.

Oh, my under 30s. Beep, boop, boop, boop. I can't make jokes. We're sensitive. Anyone here over 40? Right, fellas? You guys had a saying in your day. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but what?

Words will never hurt me. That's right. Under 30s are going. Sticks and stones will never hurt me. I'm not sure. These were good sayings, but we got to update them all, don't we? Hey, Bob's your uncle. That's good. Well, times have changed.

Bob's now your aunt. Yes. Yes. Sensitivities are changing. Genders are changing. Women's eyebrows are changing. I don't have enough time to finish the joke, but you know what?

We'll call off the bear. You go ahead. Women's eyebrows are changing. Well, I don't know. Let's look at a classic woman, anyone over 40 here in the front world. I see some beautiful... What's your name, sweetheart? Okay, I'm going to stop this right here.

You're right. Obviously, you are right. You don't have enough time to finish this joke. I don't know why you're insulting people that paid extra money for good seats Son of a bitch. You don't need to do crowd work on fucking...

You're Canadian, right, Brett? Yeah, I'm not going to let you come and talk to my American friends this way. You know what I'm saying? That's racist. And if anyone knows what's racist and what's not, it's me. I promise you that. Son of a bitch.

I'm going to have to make these jokes for the rest of my life. God damn it. Welcome back to the show, Brett. You're a silly, goofy Canadian guy. Good solid jokes. You had a good set two weeks ago, right? Yeah, an all right set. The one-minute thing is a real challenge.

And I applaud anyone that comes up here and crushes it, like Hans Kim, William Montgomery, because it's a completely different muscle. Here I am trying to do crowd work in a one-minute set. It's fucked. I know. You're absolutely right. It's hard. It's not easy. That's the beauty in it, is that people get to watch people come up here

and say, you're extremely talented for a Canadian. Ridiculously talented. I mean, this is like, Canada's got talent. Wait, you're Canadian? Haley is? Really? A Canadian stripper? Get the fuck out. Really? What? What are you showing me? Your fucking ankle?

I just saw a crab crawl out of there. Fucking unbelievable. It's a crawfish. Yeah. Oh, look at the Canadians excited. They found a Canadian stripper down here. Look at this fucking guy. Well, Red Rose, Yellow Rose,

how about a hand for the Great? Kaley is back, everybody. She had an incident two weeks ago where a pair of sunglasses went up her nose at a party, so she couldn't come to the show because a pair of sunglasses went up her nose.

The arm part of sunglasses. And we totally believe you, Kaley. Look at how you got that nosebleed. Not a cocaine infection. Not at all. Absolutely. Look at this fucking guy. Canadians can't help themselves from being goofy.

Look at this guy just standing here, like, oh, indeed, look at you. I love it. So tell us, what do you do for work, Brad? I can't remember a thing about you. I tour in Canada. That's right. Your answer was that you're a full-time stand-up comedian. How much longer are you in Texas for?

Go back to Canada. We're just giving these fucking visas to anybody nowadays, huh? I mean, before you just kind of drive over the border. You can't drive. You have to fly. If I were to go back to Canada today, you'd have to stay there for two weeks. Not just two weeks. You've got to do three days

of a mandatory quarantine in a hotel that's attached to the airport. It's lined in plastic. You have to schedule a 15-minute break each day on your phone. It's mandatory $2,000 as well. And if I say no to it, I get $6,000 in tickets

that I fight in court a year later. Canada sucks. Canada sucks. I'm here. I would take our health care over there bullshit any day. I'd rather give a doctor $40,000 than

pay the government $6,000 to come back into my country. What's going on up there? I'm in a panic. But I met the first cab driver I had here. He goes, oh, you're from Canada? I go, yeah. He goes, oh, free abortions. In Canada?

He's not wrong. This is the only girl you can come in in this whole city. All right, Brett. I swear to God, you try to roast another American. I'm going to fucking slit your throat. Kaley, sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Well, you can't talk to fucking

drunk fucking little fuck for the next two hours. Did you woke the demon's seat up? So a little live wire over here doing shots at Chiquilla. All right, relax, Brett. You goofy motherfucker. Brett, have you had sex

with an American girl since you've been here? You have the vibes of you have a sex addict vibe to you. You have those little fucking Canadian fucking man on fire type of vibes, you know what I mean? I had sex with her. Brett, that's fucking...

No, he might have. Are you serious? Oh, her. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. I thought you meant Kaley. I'm like, there's no way, but yeah, the little exchange rate girl next door, that makes sense.

You could get... Yeah. You could fucking... That makes sense, right? I could see that. There's no way you fucked Kaley, though. There's no way. And she puts sunglasses up her nose.

But she would never let a Canadian penis inside of her. She ran away for a reason. How'd you two meet? How'd you meet this girl? At the strip club? I believe the club that you work at. Right, yeah. The answer is yes. Over here, no crowd work. So it was at the strip club.

And then what? You went back to your place, her place? Yeah, I'm at Airbnb. So hers, yeah. Wow. Okay, what was your next move? What happened? You guys Netflix and chill? What happened there? I believe we watched... Don't say you believe. There's no believing here.

This isn't the never-ending fucking story, okay? There's no magical whimsical... Once upon a time, I'm asking you directly. So you went into her apartment, then what happened? We watched two episodes of Parks and Rec and you karaokeed

the entire thing. You knew every lyric of two episodes. What a fucking lyric. I mean, of all the shit to watch. This is like a Zeze movie. There's nothing worse than having to watch bullshit before fucking, you know what I mean? But Parks and Rec,

I mean, how do you get hard after watching two episodes of Parks and Rec? I think he put it on. He was like, let's watch this shit. I love it. Don't I look like a Zeze? He does. He does.

He has a Zeze vibes, for sure. How dare you? Two episodes of Parks and Rec. He's Canadian, though, so he's a Zeze. I'm sorry. Canadian. Canadian jokes. Yee-hoo!

As in Texas. Fist-bumping other people for my jokes. Thank you. All right, Brett. Well, we had fun with you, dude. You know what? I would like to have you again on the Secret Show. Whoa! Brett Forte. There he goes, everybody.

He's on Instagram at Brett Forte, F-O-R-T-E. I think a red band say, he can pussy fuck that. You guys both red rose, right? Or red rose yellow rose? You're red rose, she's yellow rose? No. Oh, okay.

Right, we don't say that name at all. There's a strip club that has flat-chested girls at it, though, so... She's a cocktail waitress. I'm just kidding. You relax, relax, relax. Can we get some Xanax for the coked-up girls in the front row? Put it in the name out of the bucket.

Make some noise for Kyle Doty, everyone. Kyle Doty. Perhaps a dowdy, but definitely dowdy. We love the red rose or the yellow rose. The only two strip clubs in Austin, Texas. No doubt about it. Here he is. One more time for Kyle Doty, everyone.

Yeah! How's it going, guys? So, uh, I was a middle child growing up. My dad had five kids in four years. He has the pull-out game of a couch. Just a normal couch. There's no bed in there.

My dad comes and pussy. That's what I'm saying. Uh... Yeah, I was a middle child and I grew up with four sisters. Growing up with all sisters, you learn an important lesson as a young man, which is you're never supposed to put your hands on a woman, right? When I was little, my sister hit me. I hit her back.

My dad found out he came in the room and hit me and he goes, Kyle, we're men. And we never put our hands on women. And I was like, I get that, Dad, but you just punched a six-year-old. So... Kind of, I feel like I was justified. She's in my weight class. I was protected myself.

You assaulted a small child. I feel like... How am I the wrong one here? Now I'm confused on who I can and can't punch out in public, you know? I was at the mall the other day and I got an argument with this woman and she spit on me. She took her mask down and she spit on me.

And I wanted to hit her, but I didn't because I remember that lesson. Never put your hands on a woman. So I punched her son right in the fucking head, dude. I just... Kyle Doty, saving it all at the very end. Yikes. Took a minute and seven seconds and you saved it right last minute, dude.

That was good, Dad. That was good. That was like what Nate Diaz did the other night at his fight. It's like, shit, this is crazy. And then, boom, all right, here we go. Shout out to our good friend and friend of Kiltoni, Nate Diaz, for stealing the show on Saturday at the UFC.

He's going to be out in a couple weeks. That'll be old news, but... He's a good comedy fan. Welcome to the show, Kyle. This is your first time with us, right? Second time. Oh, you're so memorable. Glad to see you again. Thank you, yeah. When was the last time? With Mark Normand and Ali.

Okay, all right. My episode dropped when you got canceled. Okay, all right, yeah, so it's been... Thanks for remembering that. Very cool. Always fun to use that as a timeline. Son of a bitch. You could have just said a month ago,

but I guess it's like, ah, you remember me from two cancellations ago, Tommy? Piece of shit. Jesus. So, Kyle, remind us, what do you do? You live here in Austin? I live here in Austin. I don't have a job. I'm from Columbus. From Columbus, Ohio. How long have you lived in Austin?

Since February. Okay, what made you move here? Stand up. I moved to San Diego during the pandemic, and then that sucked, so I moved here with some buddies. Right. Why didn't you like San Diego? I was closed down, and I don't care for sand that much.

Yeah, California was mismanaged. That's what happened. It's got so crazy there. Caitlyn Jenner's about to be their fucking governor. That's how crazy shit got in California. She's going to win. Yeah, I know. This place, they don't give a fuck here. They have a guy in a wheelchair here.

Have you seen their governor here? Have you seen their governor here? He closes out every show at Kill Tony. It's incredible. We love him. The governor, Michael Laird. So Kyle, how you been enjoying Austin? What's your favorite stuff out here?

Uh, it's hot. The open mic sucked, but the food's pretty good. Okay. It is fucking hot. It's been ridiculous lately. I was saying the other day, we get 15% extra in taxes, but you spend all of it on fucking bottles of water out here.

We talked about this earlier. You think that the 100 degrees that we had today was way worse here in Austin than Los Angeles? There's no question about it. I mean, Los Angeles smells like piss, though. Oh, what? Like piss. Los Angeles smells like piss?

Yes, dude. If we're judging cities by smell, I don't know if you walked into this venue tonight, but I don't know. I'm like, I didn't realize there was barnyards around here on 6th Street, but clearly there's just

there's bum, everything. There's bum, piss, sweat, and shit all around. All around here. You can still smell the like, okay, I'm not going to make that joke. Too soon. Yes. I stopped myself.

I stopped myself. It's been three days since there was a shooting. Breaking news. Tony learns how to stop himself. Even in a room where phones are locked up and editing is always an option.

I can still use my filter to not lose any of the fans in the room. It wasn't totally wasn't going to be a fresh shooting joke from this week, but not going to do it even if it was that. So Kyle Kyle,

let's talk about you. What type of job are you looking for currently? I used to do construction, but I was like anything. I just wanted to be outside here. You do want to be outside? I don't want to be outside here. What are you looking for? What are you

going to do? I've been lifting like, lift driving. Yeah, I know that's the kind of lifting you've been doing. Tesla's hiring, you could like work inside. You smart at all? What do you got? No, I got like six concussions. Okay. All right.

When I asked what you got, I was expecting a type of degree or diploma, but I got six concussions, dude. I'm thought, bro. I dropped out of community college. Okay. Nothing wrong with that. That's beautiful. I can tell. I love it. Okay. Take your eyes off the strip. We got to move

the strippers from the front row from now on. All these fucking virginistic open mic comedians come up here and they're like, what do you think? Is it cool? Is it cool? Am I cool? Am I doing okay? You're not going to bang the strippers guys.

They are in the club too, aren't they? They all think they're the ones. They're going to be playing it cool, getting nervous, doesn't know whether to laugh or frown over here. Kyle, what's the most interesting thing about you that we haven't found out yet? Oh, yeah, I found out. I mean, I just told you

I had six concussions, so I probably forgot most of the interesting things about me. Wait, what are the concussions from? Football outside. I bought a car one time with a concussion. I don't remember buying. I just woke up with it. Yikes. That's how most Kias get sold.

Yeah. Still got it. Yeah. I did a bunch of robo-testing one time and passed out and broke a toilet with my head. Robo-tripping. Yeah, you can have robo-tripping. He was really

literally fucking tripping on the Ciscerp. I didn't know Ciscerp. That's robo-tusing. It's different. Definitely different. Explain to us the difference, Danny Brown. I'm glad I have my chief susserp correspondent, Danny Brown, here on this scene.

All right, yeah, we got to be niggas. So, yeah, break it down. So, yeah, okay. We in Texas, and in Texas, syrup is considered pro-methazine and codeine. And what he was drinking was just robo-tusing. And then robo-tusing is just that tussing. Now, some people like to drink

it in person. You can get it green. You can get it yellow. Some people call it snot. I mean, back in the, you know, early days, like in Philadelphia, like Memphis, you know, they used to drink lean like that. But in Texas, it's pro-methazine and codeine, and that's where the norther syrup came

from. Wow. Danny Brown. I fucking love this guy so much. Danny, isn't there like a whole form of music from Houston that's all based on that? Yeah, screw music. Shots out the DJ

screw. That's Houston. Wow, look at that. Yeah, come on, man. You know, you in certain areas around here, you'll hear some screw banging out a couple of windows, you know what I'm saying. But in Houston for sure, man, you got the fifth wheel, you're swanging in that motherfucker. Shots out

the Paul Wall and all my niggas out there, man. Wow. B-King. Shots out the B-King. That's my dog. Damn, look at that. Two comedians in a row sipping on syrup. The last comedians sipped on maple syrup.

But there we go. Canada. Kyle, I love it. So you don't remember anything interesting, so I'll just cut it short, dude. You did it. You came up here. You did a good job. And since you brought it all home at the end, we'll go with a big joke book for

you. There you go. Kale Tony from our friend Bones Eye. King Adrian Kavassos. We're having fun here. We're having fun here. Can I get a delicious crown royal, please? You could tell

this one's like a girlfriend that was brought here that doesn't know or even like the show at all, but her boyfriend's a big fan. Am I right? No? You know where you're at right now? Can I get two? One? Yeah, what? D-Madness. Oh, D-Madness

wants a crown and coke, everybody. We're going to fucking... A beautiful crown and coke. We're going to get him wasted tonight. Still a better driver than Hans Kim, a fun fact for you. Your next comedian goes by the name of...

I love it when he laughs. He's the best. Your next comedian goes by the name of Rocha Lim Dos Santos. Rocha Lim Dos. Let's see what happens here. It's a definitely a new name. I'd remember that one for sure.

Hell yeah. Come on, one more time for Rocha Lim Dos Santos. Hey, guys. I'm Rocha Lim Dos Santos. By my accent, you can tell I'm not from here, right? You're right. I'm from Alabama. I'm from

the dirty south, guys. It's really deep. It's Brazil. South America. I see a lot of civilians here tonight. I was in the army, right? Because I'm Brazilian, every time I tell someone I was in the army, they ask

me, was in Brazilian army? Bro, why I would tell you I was in Brazilian army? Brazil hasn't been in war for 100 years. We don't have matching uniforms. One guy wears a green shirt. Another guy

wears flip-flop and spirals. Picture that. The entire army wears flip-flop and spirals and coconut as helmet. We got a group of that shit. So we don't have good arm though. We got good hookers.

So that's it. Now go ahead. Go ahead. Thank you, guys. Yeah. Come on, people. Make some noise for Rogelindo Santos. Hell, yeah, dude. You did it, bro.

You fucking did it. Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. Look at you. You're fucking doing it, dude. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? That's a treat crash right now, but I started in 2019. I had the COVID. I shut it down. And I started by February.

About six, seven months. About seven, eight, three. Michael Gonzalez, can you translate that for me? 2018? The fuck? I knew you would make fun of me. Oh, you did. Son of a bitch.

This guy's funny, dude. This guy's funny. I like your style, man. What do you do for work? How do you make a living? I'm a network engineer. What? Network engineer. Are you a cyber or something? No, I work for a healthcare organization here.

I do network and network security as well. Okay. And don't let this accent fool you, dude. He knows IP addresses. Yeah. Yeah, you're a smart guy is what you're saying. Yeah. Okay, absolutely. How long have you been in America?

Since 2003. What made you come here? How did you get here? So I started to work in I went to San Diego when I came to America. Yeah. We have a friend that has a beach. I understand how you got here. You took a weird path

from Brazil. Yeah. I'm a good swimmer. Yeah. I love it. So you started in San Diego. How did you end up in Austin? So I joined the army.

This is for real. And I stayed in the army. The Brazilian army? The American army. Okay, I didn't realize you could do that. Yeah, I stayed in the base for four years. Okay. But you were born in Brazil? Yeah, I was born in Brazil.

Man, the American army takes anybody, huh? They don't give a fuck. They're like, you're born in Iraq. You want to do push-ups? Let's go, bitch. You're on our side now. No. It's funny because the recruiter you're in good shape.

And the guy told me, we're not going to Iraq. It was in 2003. The war is going on. And I believe him. And I joined the army in October. It was April. I was in Iraq. Wow. Look at that.

Out there looking like an Iraqi soldier until you spoke. Those American soldiers that weren't in his camp must have saw him and been like, there's one in our uniform over here. You know, it's funny because they used to confuse me with the translator, the Iraq translator.

Yeah. Yeah. I bet. They're like, fuck it, this guy doesn't even know how to speak English. He's not a translator at all. Wow, I love it. You fucking only speak Harry Belafonte over here.

You're Real Romero. Yeah, you're Real Romero. You know Jiu Jitsu or any cool Brazilian shit? A little bit. You have a green belt? No, I never wear it. I mean, like the white belt.

First degree white belt. Okay. All right. I know what that's like. He didn't get it. I didn't get it. You motherfucker. All right. All right, red man.

I'm not a dead soldier. Jesus Christ. Man, you guys can't wait to bury me tonight, huh? People hate confidence out here. I'm telling you. Hell yeah. What's your luck with the ladies? Like, you seem like a suave motherfucker, right? You seem like the kind of guy...

You seem like the kind of guy that brings like rose petals to a first date, like just in case. Foga to Chao. You know, I'm married right now, but I can't... You're married? How long have you been married for? For about three years. Okay. You over it already?

I would say I'm married, but I was to pull bitches. You used to. You used to. Is it a Brazilian woman? No, she's American. So she doesn't have the ass that you're used to? But she's very smart, though. She's very smart.

She is? She's smart? It's funny because I have this broken English and my wife, she's a writer. A writer? Yeah. What is she write? Yeah, she release a book.

The book name is Tallinn and the Tree. Tallinn and the Tree. Yeah, look it up. Okay, we'll look it up. How do you spell Tallinn? Because the way you say it, it could literally be anything. T. Okay, let me spell.

T-A-L-I-N. Tallinn. Yeah, I know. If everything was bad here, at least I got this gig here from my wife. Literally nothing comes up. Family Tree results for the name Tallinn.

Yeah, you look. Jesus Christ. Do we have to know your fucking Yahoo password, too, to find it? Trying to send us an email, dude? I love it. How do you say your first name? Roger Lim.

What does that mean? Regular name. Oh, okay, cool. Brazilian shit. I found the book. It's got five stars. Whoa. Damn, dude. You're eating that smart pussy, bro.

Look at you just munching down on it. Fuck yeah. Whoa, look at that trick. He's got those fucking Brazilian tricks over here. This guy's got a Brazilian tricks up his sleeve. Everybody fist bumps Michael up here. It's like the...

It's like the rubbing the stump before going on at the Apollo. A fist bump from Michael. Wow, that's incredible. Roger Lim, what's the craziest thing you've ever done in your life? You have any other special things that you've done? Kills in Iraqi.

I was in Iraq, right? Yeah. But I ate weird pussy outside. You what? I ate weird pussies. You ate weird pussies? Are you just... Are you just telling me something you think I'm gonna like?

Where did you eat a weird... Where did you eat a weird pussy at? No, no, no. This is a hack. This is just a hack. I was just bullshitting. Okay, Roger Lim, do you have any other special skills or talents? You know, like magic tricks or music or sing something? You sing ever?

No, I don't sing. I'm a photographer. Okay. That's extra boring. I'm very boring, yeah. It's 2021. We're all photographers, bro. Yeah. What else? What else other than photography? Something else? You have a rapper?

Do poetry? I do poetry. Really? Will you read us a poem? No, I don't. Oh, okay. All right. Remember, honesty is always the good answer. You have any animals? Yeah, I'm a dog lover. Really? You have a dog?

Oh, yeah. Two of them? What kind of dogs do you have? It's a lab. It's a broad lab. And another one I don't even know. It's a stray dog. Okay, stray dog. Extra Brazilian. Hey, let me shout out to Trevor and Blitz.

They're my dogs. Okay. All right. Shout out to the dog sitter. All right. There we have the dogs on the line right now. Is there anything you'd like to say to your dog? Guys, I love you. What? There you go. There you go.

There goes Raja Lim do Santos, everybody. No doubt about it. You're getting the big joke, Buck. Let's do it. Oh, yeah. There he is. How about one more time for Raja Lim do Santos, everybody? Yeah.

Guys, it's time to do something else fun. Raja Lim do Santos, everybody. Yeah. Guys, it's time to do something else fun. We have another regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen. He moved Austin, Texas recently. Unlike Hans Kim, the newest regular. This guy is not only the longest

resident regular, but he's also the longest resident regular in the history of Kiltoni. This guy recently just started this month opening for Joe Rogan. And he's going to debut a new minute for you right now

when I bring up the Big Red Machine. It's called The Big Red Machine. The one, the only. William Montgomery, everybody. Oh, shit. There he comes. My down.

Make some noise for William Montgomery, everybody. Thank you for the K2. Thank you. I thought I'd do some movie reviews real quick. Grimlins, their dad got stuck in the chimney pretending to be Santa Claus. Yeah, I'm guessing this family is dumb.

Pass. Hook, starring Robin Williams where he's a man that has an inner child. I think I saw this movie the first time when it was called a Robin Williams movie. Pass. Schindler's List needs more action scenes,

less anorexic nudity. Next. Honey, I blew up the kid. Guess what? Deserve the Oscar. Next. Boss Baby 2. We need a black Boss Baby movie. Until then, I'm not watching.

Next. Darkest Hour, starring Gary Oldman is Winston Churchill. We need a black Winston Churchill movie. Until then, I'm not watching. Next. Fern Gully. We still have a rainforest, so quit trying to guilt-trip me for burning down trees in California.

Next. Wow, yeah, William Montgomery. William Montgomery. I told him to shut off the cat for you. I wanted to see exactly how far you were going to go with that. That was absolutely incredible. This is a two or three week sober

William Montgomery we're dealing with here. Yes. On a whole new level. 24 days. We can put him up anywhere in the show now. He doesn't have to start the show. We used to have him start the show with a little shit face during the show

that, uh... I remember. But now, look at you. You're all groans up. Look like you're ready to go on the first fucking cruise. Yeah, my gut has gotten smaller, which is exciting. That is true. No, I'm kidding. It still looks horrible. Look at this thing.

That's great. You look like you were born on a cruise ship. You have a real look to you, my friend. You have a real look. Why don't you just shave it all off, though? No, no one wants him to shave it. What the fuck did you just say, Red Band? Yeah, take fashion advice from fucking Red Band over here.

Yeah, shut the fuck up. Why would you fucking say that to me? Because you look bald already. Why would you fucking say that to me? Red Band, Red Band, stop it. Piece of shit. Jesus, Red Band. Seriously, why would you fucking say that?

Oh, William looking like he's ready to get physical over here. It's bullshit. William, I don't want the buttons on your shirt shooting out into the audience. Relax, everybody relax. Band, relax. They're trying to play rocky music over here. It's like fucking Rocky Road,

Balboa over here. William, how do you keep that gut? What have you been eating? Oh, man, what happened? Bowling balls? You did not make fat jokes. You're not allowed to do that. Yeah.

Just because you're hiding behind that table right now doesn't mean you're... Bring the table, William. What the fuck does that mean? Bring a table with you to block your belly and you'll be even stealing. Yeah, I get it. What have you been eating here in Austin, Texas?

Do you have any favorite restaurants? Shae Z, CM Smokehouse. Oh, look at that. And Dan's. You'll go to Dan's. What do you get from Whataburger, William? What's your big order? A double Whataburger. Wow.

You gotta get that chicken biscuit, man. That motherfucker, Honey Butter Man. Oh, shit. Make some noise for that Honey Butter Man. Oh, yeah. I should be Swiss. What about any fans of the A1 hamburger? Okay, just me and Matt Mueling. All right, cool.

Whataburger. Chicken biscuits, man. Chicken biscuits, man. Chicken biscuits. I love that. You see the crowd love it. All right. I only take my chicken advice from Danny Brown, so I'm going to try it this week.

Pluckers, a bad motherfucker. How about you, Danny? I asked Joe Rogan if he does his own grocery shopping. Do you do your own grocery shopping? No, not for the most part. My girl do most of the shopping, okay, do a lot of delivery grocery. You know me, man. I'm an air fryer champ.

You know what I'm saying? I'm going to tell you guys, I celebrated a birthday. I celebrated a birthday last week, and Danny Brown got me a motherfucking air fryer. Fuck yeah. Welcome to the team. That's just the bomb, man.

It's like a fucking Tesla microwave or something like that. I love that shit. I have an air fryer, too. I like it. That's good. What was the best thing you made in it? Probably some salmon, but I put too much Tony Shashary sauce on it.

And it was way too salty, and I've had to fucking throw it away. It was sad. It was very sad. You just put a raw salmon in your air fryer? Hell yeah, you can do that a lot. Yeah, nigga, what you talking about? That's how it works. I put raw chicken wings in there.

It's fucking awesome, man. That's how it works. I just thought it was for, like, reheating stuff. I didn't think... I didn't think I could cook things in there. Hey, all you. My God, all right. Get your recipes on TikTok.

All right, okay, fine. William, what else has been going on this week? I got a robot vacuum. You did? You got a little Roopa? Yeah, and I will sit down and watch that thing for, like, four hours at a time. Wow. It's like my pet. I don't have a pet,

yeah. It's my pet robot. That's official. William has definitely switched from alcohol to marijuana. If you can stare at a Roomba for four hours at a time, you might be hot. That's my Jeff Fox word. If you...

If you... I like it. You've been smoking a lot of pot. What else do you do while being stoned? For those of you that might not know, William was a heavy day drinker. Smoker. Sometimes he's just a heavy eater. Whatever he does, he's heavy.

I've been having a lot of sex on the ground. Sex on the ground? I have. It's been hard for me to get out there. That's one of the weirdest drinks you can order at a bar. Yeah. I'll have a sex on the ground, please. Can I have a carpet burns, please?

Roopa, that's shit. That fuck up your knees, man. Yeah, bad on the knees, bad on the back. Why on the ground and not the bed? You just don't want to ruin the bed? I've been doing it on the ground a lot. Which ground? Your bedroom? Bedroom ground? Kitchen ground? In the main room ground.

Oh, you just want to see the room bug like clean up all that shit? This guy's eating the room bug's asshole while he's fucking his girl. His room bug sounds like this. It's actually just the room bug I've been talking about. Grease was with the room bug. Hell yeah, dude.

Fucking... I love it, William. Your girlfriend liking liking Austin? Yeah. She's positive. Famous girlfriend of William Montgomery as some of you fans may remember from the past. Still the same girlfriend?

Yeah, I mean, I think I've said it before. Me not being up until 11 11 in the morning doing a bunch of cocaine. Our relationship is much better. There you go. Who would have guessed? It's weird how that works. Who would have guessed if you stopped doing cocaine until 11am? Life gets better.

Hey, you know, a lot of people have been asking we stopped checking on that red dot that was on Williams' belly. Oh, that's a good point. We haven't looked at the red dot in a long time. Is it still there? A lot of people have been concerned about what... Many people say it's a staff infection. Many people say it's a pimple.

We are about to find out right now. Look at that guy. Okay, wow, it's much better. It's just a freckle now. It's like a little freckle. It's not gone. It seems worse. Wow. William, if they ever need someone to get a young Homer Simpson, I think you have the role, dude.

If they ever do a Homer Simpson fucking bio. It looks like his belly will start whistling at any time. It does. It looks like his belly button is whistling, right? All right, William. Look at you. Are you not getting out in the sun

at all here in Texas? No, I'm not. I'm literally inside watching that robot. You can't even... I'm not getting. Maybe you should take the Roomba outside and go for a walk sometime with it. All right, you know him. You love him a new minute every single week.

One of the great forces in comedy. It's William Montgomery, everybody. Hell yeah. Back to the bucket we go. Shout out to Texas for letting artists smoke on stage. California sucks. All right.

Speaking of California, we know this guy from California. He's here now. Ladies and gentlemen, David Centofonte is here. Oh. David Centofonte. It's been a long time since we've seen this guy. Actually, I think he's been on once out here.

No, he's actually was on two weeks ago. Yup. Here he is. He's back again. David Centofonte, everybody. Hey. I've got a great body for stealing salami. Yeah. Security guard never knows, you know.

It's a true problem, though. My mom visited here recently. Yeah, she came for 10 days. Oh, no. Oh, no is right. Yeah, I was said to my brother, I was like, hey, you gotta manage this. He's like, you gotta get on her level.

I was like, what does that mean? He's like, you gotta get drunk. Alcohol wasn't enough, so I started smoking some weed and she wanted to try it. She goes, blow it in my face. Blow it in your face? We are not a sexy mother-son couple.

Okay. I want to be the first man on Mars. I want to be the first man on Mars to own slaves. Jesus, you're gonna end on that? Is it not like a punchline comment or something? I didn't realize we were just reading

our fucking bucket lists up here for comedy sets. Let's hear the rest of it. You want to own slaves on Mars and then what? We're talking about the planet or the candy bar company. Mars makes M&Ms and Snickers and shit. Go ahead. Oh, really? Okay.

No, I know that you know. I know you know, boy, that got stuck in the fucking chocolate tube at Willy Wonka's factory. I know you know what Mars is. Red Band's fucking stunt double up here. Red Band double up here. What do you eat? Bowling balls, bro! What do you... Okay, so finish the joke.

You want to own slaves on Mars and then what? I'll be the bad guy. No one remembers the person that was the first to have slaves, but everyone remembers who freed them. What kind of slave are you talking about? Are you talking about, like, anybody or are you talking about black people?

Are you talking about, like, aliens? See, it's a little longer. It gets into everybody, but we start with black people. Oh, wow. Okay. Danny, what do you think about this? Homeboys and outer space. I mean... Sounds like a great time.

I don't know. America ain't been working out. I mean, shit, getting niggas on Mars. If they got sister, Danny's gone. So... They got in those little Capri Sun packets for you up there. I love it.

David, you were just on the show a couple weeks ago. Remind us of the highlights of that... of that interview. So we found out my sister is now stripping and I sing opera. Okay, that's right. You did sing some opera for us. That was awesome. This guy's got fucking pipes on him. Are you still dating that girl

that you were dating a couple weeks ago that you cooked food for and sung opera? So I told her, I brought it up publicly and she wasn't too thrilled. Ah. Yeah. She wasn't too thrilled about it. So we'll see. Because it's an every other weekend thing,

because she's got four kids. So when he takes the kids, I come over and... Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Look at you. Extra baggage over there. When you fuckered, does it feel like four kids? Okay, red band. Red band.

He said he's singing opera, but for some reason I just want to see him sing that Samore. You know that one? That's Samore? When the moon hit the sky... That's Samore. When the moon is here,

I like a big pizza pie. That's Samore. That's Samore. There you go. That's Samore. Do you get it? Yeah. You gotta put that in your comedy somehow, dude.

I have a good opera bit. No, you're not singing about pizzas, man. It's incredible. Yeah, right. That's the only reason he knows that song. I love it. What do you do for work? Right now, I am working as a day trader.

A day trader? Yeah. Look at this. The pigs of Wall Street over there. I took all that unemployment from California and did pretty well in weed stocks. Yeah. Weed made me money.

What are you into now? Dojay? I'm in Doge. AMC. All the guys that look like me on Wall Street bets. Right. I got a new boat because of AMC. A new boat? Would you get a pedal boat?

Jesus Christ. Got a new boat because of AMC. Shut the fuck up, dude. Unbelievable. All right. What else, David? So when you hook up with this chick that has four kids, do the kids ever try to play with you or anything?

No, I've made it clear I do not want to meet the kids yet. Wow. Do I have to pay for the babysitter? No. He's paying for the babysitter. Really? Nigga, you want to take a route? Come on, you got to give me a couple dollars.

Damn, that's how it works. You just got to pay for the babysitter. Damn, I don't know about that. I'm learning. You know the kids about to wake up. You know. Oh, shit. I'm so grateful that I know nothing about that world.

I have to pay for the babysitter, you know. Fucking shit. They know what I'm talking about. Be careful. Is she a big girl, the lady with four kids? She's a healthy, you know. Are you healthy? You wouldn't be surprised to see me with her.

We would be. You should buy her a little table. Put it in front of you. All right, David, you were on a couple weeks ago. Good sets. Did you get a joke book last time you were on? David Sendefanti, everybody is on social media. David Sendefanti.

I'm going to fly through a couple more here. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Tyler Nelson. Here we go. We're going to keep it moving. Tyler Nelson's next. Shout out again to the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, the two best strip clubs here in Austin.

Here he is. One more time for Tyler Nelson, everybody. Thank you. Y'all think that if Nazis never existed, focus groups would be called concentration camps. Grateful they did, because I'm not gay.

Thank you. That's the rest of my set. I'm not gay, but I see a lot of dick tattoos online. Because I look them up. It's always real lowbrow shit. It's very disappointing. It's always like anacondas

or dragons. I would want to make it count. If I were to get a dick tattoo, I'd make it look like a jewel. A little e-cigarette. Yeah. Lots of girls under 25 in nicotine addictions.

And just like at a house party, they stop talking to you and run out of juice. Ah. Is this a cheese-flavored pod? Gross. Doll. Ah, fuck.

Alright, fuck yeah. Tyler Nelson coming in really. Coming in lukewarm today. Really bringing it. You're set with soft, but somehow your belt is hard as a rock right now. Your belt is fully erect.

Look at that fucking thing. Bonered up. You're a wild man. Tyler, you've been on this show before. There was something with your teeth, right? You were missing a tooth. You have it fixed now. The power of Kiltony, everybody. You come up here with Jack Teeth.

I promise you, we will talk you into fixing that shit. How'd you remember that? A little bit of tough love for Tyler Nelson. Oh, I remember because I don't fucking remember. I don't forget when someone's missing a front tooth, dude. God damn it, I was missing a front tooth for years.

That doesn't matter. Danny, you can pull that shit off. Your teeth are like your 17th most interesting thing about you. This guy, it was the first thing you know. Look at this fucking young forest gump looking motherfucker. This is like right when he got the leg braces

off in the movie. Tyler, how old are you? 22. 22 years old. You're adorable. I clean planes and I work as a safety pilot. Oh, okay. So you're learning how to fly? Yes, sir. That's awesome.

All right, the right seat. First officer. Look at show. Absolutely, I know all that fucking stupid lingo. All right. They let you wear those shoes on an airplane? God damn it. Nah. These are just clean and shoes. That's why they're all dirty and shit.

Wait, what? They're just like most of my job is cleaning the planes. Oh, those are your cleaning shoes so you wear dirty shoes to clean it. Amen. Okay, that sort of makes sense. All right, Kaylee said hell yeah, she loves anything dirty, so

that makes sense. You're 22 years old. What's your love life like? I've got this girl that I'm seeing but she doesn't want to actually date. Tell us what you mean by that. So she's from Nepal and

they are not allowed to date white people at all. She's from Nepal. So how far have you gotten with this girl? Did she let you see one of her Nepal's? All right. That was incredible. We can do that every time I say a great joke.

I'd appreciate that. If we could always just break into I believe I can fly. That'd be pretty baller, man. Has she let you see one of her nipples? Two. Two nipples, whoa! Think about it every night and day.

Oh, okay, it stopped. Like a girl from that country has to have big areolas, right? Like brown ones? Brian, what the fuck are you talking about? Does she have big areolas? They're really long. Whoa!

Do you think about it every night and day? Do you spread your wings and fly away? All three of them. Where do you meet a girl from Nepal? A wonder bar in the domain. Oh, wow! All the way to the domain. Oh, my God.

Wow! Is she around your age? Yeah, she's 25. Wow, she's from Nepal. Look up a Nepal girl. Let's see what this sort of looks like. Let's see exactly what shade we're dealing with here.

You know what I mean? No, N-E-P-A-L, you dirt ball. He literally just typed in nipple. Oh, okay. Okay. So it's sort of like a light, it's like a wide-eyed Filipino sort of

is what we'll say. Does that make sense everybody? Is that okay? Yeah! Am I still allowed to talk? She's like a bright-eyed Filipino is what we'll call it, right? Yeah, like a crossover between Indian and Korean.

Okay, yep. That sounds actually really nice. No booty, right? Can you confirm that she has no booty? Halfway. Really, have you grabbed it? Halfway is pretty good. So you've seen nipples, you've seen a booty.

Have you ever? Yes. Whoa! Look at that. What are they known for in Nepal? What are they? Harry's stomachs? Okay, red band.

Let the people answer, red band. Yeah. And Nepal, they're known for Mount Everest. Well, you already have one of her flies landing on your head, that's incredible. They're known for over there. That one will be edited out.

I promise you that, folks. That was just for you. Lord knows all of the fucking Nepal government doing a state-run news story on me. Can't make this shit up when there's a fly landing on a white guy's head. All right. So what are they famous for?

In Nepal, I'm sure you've had to have this boring conversation with her in order to get into her pants. Yeah, just Mount Everest and Hating Indians. That's just a gotten from it. Wait, what? You confused Danny Brown for a second. Hating Indians?

What type of Indian? No, like, Bindi. Bindi Indian. The fuck is going on? I think we're going too far. I don't know what's going on anymore. We already have probation, man. You might want to...

You might want to wrap this one up. I love it. So you've had sex with her, but she doesn't want to date. You sort of want to make it a long-term relationship type of thing? You really like her. So why won't she date you? What is she saying? Because if her parents found out, she would stop getting money from her.

Where are her parents at? Where are the parents located? They're in Nepal? Well, how could they possibly find out? She lives with her brother here. So... Oh, yeah. And the brother and the parents, the Nepalese, is that the word?

And the funny thing is, she told me that even if she found a Nepalese guy that she liked, they would also... There's like a thing about class systems over there. Oh. I don't know where you'd find that in America. You know what? Here's what we should do. Here's what we should do. I have an idea.

We have her take a picture with her and Danny Brown. Okay? She sends it back home. The parents lose their fucking minds. All right? And then you go, just kidding.

She's with me, right? And then they're like, oh. Oh, thank God. I got clout, though. They might be like, this nigga famous, kind of, so... That's right. They might be like, this nigga famous, but... That's right. We still have to deal with your class problem, uh...

Yeah, that class is over there, man. I got a young master role in it. You know what I'm saying? We got to do it. Well, we'll let him take a picture with your Rolex on, and then we'll, uh... Then we got it all figured out. How much money do you have saved altogether?

What's your net worth? Come on, just say it right into the microphone. Don't think about it. What? 140 dollars. 140 dollars. Wow. My goodness. Mostly clean plans, but also safety pilot. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right.

You're fucked. You're totally fucked. But, you know what, man? You're out here. You're doing jokes. You're getting better every week. You're making the small improvements. You're getting your teeth fixed. You're fucking taking care of business. I like your style, dude.

And I know how the Forest Gump story begins, and I know how it ends, so you have a lot of good times ahead of you. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. That shit. Take it. You guys ready to get a lady up here tonight? We haven't had a single woman pulled out of this bucket. We're gonna do it.

Let's see what we got here. Sorry to Jack. Money. Oh, shit, ladies and gentlemen. Not only has this young lady been on this show before, but after I saw her, I had her open.

Every single one of my stand-up shows have happened here in Austin, Texas. Here with a brand-new minute, I present to you truly one of my favorite comedians in this city, Genevieve, everybody! I got this cousin and we were close as kids, and then we lost connection,

and then we tried to find each other as adults, and we're reconnecting, and he tells me one day, he's like, Jenny, for some reason, I feel like I can't get close to you. I said, well, how about you roast me then? He said, Jenny, you're my cousin, I can't roast you.

You got a thick-ass neck, but I can't roast you. Your afro is lopsided in a bitch, but I can't roast you. You look like a nigger in a dress, but I can't roast you. You look like the transgender

Frederick Douglass, but I can't roast you. You look like they're a sister from the office, but I can't roast you. And I'm like, well, damn, I guess you can't, motherfucker. I'm tall, I've been tall for a while.

I was like... Hell, yeah, there you go. You want to finish it? I was tall in high school, so I figured you should do it every tall person does in high school. I was like, you should do it every tall person does in high school.

Try out for the basketball team. But then I looked at the basketball team and I said, I'm tall, but I'm not a lesbian. But then I got out of college and married a woman. I should've hooped. Wow.

Genevieve. Monster. Monster. I love me some Genevieve. Fire. Fire. She is a monster. Y'all got to take me shopping

to get some cowboy gear, man. Man, I'm so in debt. You know I got you? Absolutely. Just so I can feel fancy when I step over the homeless, you know what I mean? Yeah. God damn, God damn. Genevieve has arrived.

A powerful, powerful force. What's going on, y'all? Genevieve opens all my stand-up shows. I have her every single chance I could get. I didn't even realize the first couple of times I was calling. I thought you lived here in Austin. Turns out she was making the drive from Dallas every time.

I'm like, hey, what do I got to do? Fire. Fire. I appreciate them calls, man. We'll make it every time. Absolutely. Absolutely. We're going to do it again on Saturday. Awesome. Sweet. So Genevieve, what's been up since the last time we talked with you?

Man, people have been so nice to me, man. It's been a crazy ride. You got the Kill Tony bump. The bump? Yeah. You got cocaine in the green room. Oh, right, right, right. Right. Sure. Yeah, right. Hilarious.

But we're talking about post-Kill Tony Genevieve. Oh, man, it's been crazy. A lot of people have been nice. I love entertainment. It's been a wild ride. I appreciate y'all. Love it. And you love Austin? You just moved here from Dallas? Yeah, I moved here from Dallas April 1st.

Yep. What do you love about it? What's different? Because I've been all around Texas, but normally until I moved here, just in a city for a weekend, a few times a year, you just spend most of your time at the hotel.

I like Barton Springs. Yeah, they about to drop that reservation shit a little like one of y'all racist uncles made the website. I can't figure it out. What do you do at Barton Springs? This black girl can swim. You swim? Really?

Wow. Only backwards, though. Oh, okay. That makes sense. You got the black stroke. The black stroke. Can't fuck up the hair, man. That's how they do it, man. The black stroke.

That's hilarious. You have a white boyfriend? He swims normally towards you? He's the rescuer. Yeah. Yeah, he's her lifeguard. Yeah. I got you, babe.

I love it. Barton Springs, what else? H-E-B, what are we talking about? I love H-E-B, man. I just had some chicken salad there, and I'm one of the black people that make chicken salad. I know that's rare. Wow.

Y'all can throw me some raisins in there. I appreciate the shit. Let me... Let's be honest, though. Do you punch up white people's chicken salad? You throw your own extra relish and mayo in there? I mean, niggas don't make chicken salad.

No, man. That's the white people shit anyway. Really? You don't like chicken salad? Yeah. Hold on. D-Madness, what are you about to say? I'm colorblind, but I agree with that shit. D-Madness and D-Madness. We got better things to do with the chicken.

Like, Friday motherfucker, man. You know what I'm saying? We ain't wasting no chicken on no salad. Man, I like chicken salad. We got better things to do with that chicken. Yeah, we ain't fucking no chicken up with no salad. You look at chicken salad like it's just a pile of wasted chicken.

When I put the whole table over, I got a lost in blackjack. Wow. You don't like raisins either? Not no salad, nigga. Why? Y'all wait, so y'all get it. I love it when people call me the n-word. You know why?

I'm gonna tell you why, because we niggas and we grew up with roaches in the crib. You get what I'm saying? So when you see roaches in type of food, when you see raisins and salads and shit, you're like, nigga, that's a roach. Shit? We got PTSD. Okay. That makes sense.

That makes fucking sense. We ain't eating no chicken salad with raisins, nigga. That's a roach. I've learned more on this episode by having Danny on as a guest than any guest we've had in a year. What do you think about prunes? What I think about what? Prunes.

Talking about fucking prunes up here, right, man? I mean, one time, see, what I think about prunes, one time back in the day, man, when I was a kid, man, we had this situation where it had been just hoping Detroit where, you know, you ain't really had that much money. You can go to this place and they'll give you boxes of food. And, you know, my mom used to go there

to get, you know, what's with government food? You get the big black cheese and all that kind of shit. So they gave her these big ass bag of prunes. Us as kids, we thought they was just like, damn, these raisins look kind of big. You know what I'm saying? So we just chilling in the crib watching Bo try and do what we do.

Just munching on this bag of prunes. You know what I'm saying? I'm pretty sure y'all know the end of the story. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, we know the end of the story. So yeah, man, prunes ain't raisins, man. But in the hood, we thought we got, you know... We know the end of the story.

You ended up making a chicken salad in your pants. No, it was a beef stew. Danny motherfucking brown. Beef stroganoff. I love it. Genevieve, so what else is going on? How's your white boyfriend doing? How long you been with him again?

Three years. You guys fight a lot? You ever get in a fight? Like, what's your biggest fight? He ever tried to tell you that he wants to be the first guy to own slaves on Mars or anything like that? I tell him all the time. I tell him I think he's a German spy

and a black culture. And take the information back to Germany. Can you... Yeah, man, we're paranoid like that. I'm doing that one. Take a hit. Genevieve, do you have any hobbies or special skills or anything

that we never found out about you or talked with you about or anything? You see all these people up here. We have them play instruments and do magic tricks. I think... I'm not sure. I never tested myself, but I think I can make an origami bird in under a minute.

Really? What kind of a piece of paper? Yeah, I think I can do it under a minute. Someone give me a piece of paper right now. I demand... How about a hand? That's not a fucking piece of paper. That's a fucking menu. That's cardboard. Give me this.

Stripper, stop using your brain. There you go. Give me a real piece of paper. Zack Bogus, go find me a fucking piece of paper. He's got stripper brain, too. I don't know why I'm asking Zack Bogus. God damn it. Okay, this is sort of...

Again, it's not really... That's a real piece of paper. Ladies and gentlemen, can I get some more... Oh, yes, you do have origami music. Here we go! Come on, everybody! Step back from that ledge. Oh, that was it? Oh, my God.

My ass was too nervous, man. Oh, come on. I can't watch it. He made this motherfucking bird. Let me do that shit. That was like the comedian earlier. She's like, I believe that's been a minute. Genevieve, I would love to have you on The Secret Show on Thursday.

Here at Vulcan. Y'all have a good night. Thank y'all so much. I gotta say, this is the worst fucking origami bird I've ever seen in my life. Whatever. Detroit public schools, baby! Oh, yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You are from Detroit.

Yeah, we met years ago. Okay, you guys know each other. You guys have the same barber and everything. All right, cool. Here goes the great Genevieve, everybody. Woo! See Genevieve on Instagram. We gotta get one more up here, right?

You guys want to go to the bucket one more time? All right. We got this table of day drunk white guys over here in the corner. Look at this guy. Wasted over here. White summer. That's fucked, dude. I like your style, bro.

That's that white boy's summer right there. It is. Look at these guys. This looks like if entourage was on rainy street or something like that. I'll be scared of them. Give them the new niggas. Don't be scared of the niggas you see with the dreads and all that. Be scared of them type of niggas right there. They ain't dangerous.

I have no idea what Danny Brown just said to me. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian out of the buckets tonight goes by the name of Dylan Jarbo. Dylan Jarbo. Let's see what happens here. Let's see if we can utilize the...

All right. Here he comes. One more time. Come on. Give it up for Dylan Jarbo, everybody. He's got a shot. Give it up for the environment. Yeah. I don't know if you guys know this, but there's currently a 500 mile peninsula of trash in the Atlantic Ocean. And I used to live there. It's called Florida.

It's called Florida. My last girlfriend was vegan. Not fun. She was so vegan she couldn't do doggy stocks. That was cultural appropriation. Do you guys think Bloods are allowed to invest in cryptocurrency? They had a meeting.

They're like, all right, we got this thing. It's digital. It's called crypto. It's called what? I'm sorry. What? Let's rebrand the cryptocurrency. I used to skate a lot in Florida. I don't know a lot of skaters here. So I found an app to meet other skaters. It's called Grindr.

Not a lot of skate talk. Feels like more of a rollerblading community if you ask me. Wow. That was fire. Dylan motherfucking Jarbo making his Kill Tony debut. Powerful performance. Holy shit, dude.

How long have you been on stand up? About five years. Hell yeah. All of it here in Texas? No, all in Florida. Where in Florida? We're at in Florida. Jacksonville, Florida. Oh, felons, I love you. Funny people come out of Jacksonville.

No, that's not where Disney is. Jacksonville, Florida. I said, oh god. That's what Mickey would think about Jacksonville, Florida. You would get shot right after that. Yeah, Jacksonville, Gangsta, man. It's fucking terrifying. Hell yeah, but that's where you have to be.

You have to be from a terrifying place to be funny. All those comedians out of Boston, tough streets in New York, Youngstown, Ohio. Jacksonville, Florida. Detroit. Jacksonville is crazy. How long have you been out of there for?

How long? About five months. All here. Don't go back. You moved straight here. Going to Detroit. Made it out. Don't go back. Dylan, you moved here to Austin, Texas. Yes, sir, I did. I love it. Which part of the city do you live in?

South Austin, I think. Man check. Okay. It's awful. Don't applaud that. It's terrible. You over there by that weird never ending festival? Carnival out there somewhere. Am I right? Am I learning? Yeah.

I tried to go there for the first time the other night. I'm like, oh shit, look at this fucking carnival. So I went there and and there was just, there was a line that I've never even fathomed before. Did I talk about this last week? Yeah, there was a line like, I haven't seen anything like it.

It was like 10 people wide and thousands of people deep to get into this carnival in Austin, Texas. Yeah. Yeah, I was completely sober. So I wasn't just imagining it. By the way, a fun fact. I've been given more mushrooms here in Austin, Texas

in five months than I have my entire life before that. For those of you that don't know why Austin's economy is booming, it's because 50% of the people grow their own mushrooms and sell them. They do. And cocaine. There you go. Sure.

Most cocaine I've ever seen in my life. That's your crew that you hang out with. That's your story. These are the friends that Red Band was able to make here in. I moved here to stop doing cocaine. That's true. And I got to tell you, Danny Brown's performance here tonight

huge improvement. Danny famously, I can talk about it now that we made it through this episode. Danny famously had an episode in Detroit. Some of you are just becoming fans now that we're here. Don't go look at this shit now, man. What the fuck?

It's good now. It's good now because it's a comeback story, bro. But we did an episode in Detroit and we're like, oh, we're going to blow this audience's mind because we hadn't done an episode in Detroit up until that point, so we had I think we sold like fucking like

900 tickets or something like that to this show of rabid fans that couldn't believe we had finally made it to Detroit. And we're like, not only are we doing this, we're going to bring out the king of Detroit, fucking Detroit, Danny Brown is the guest fan of Kill Tony.

And Danny Danny came out fucking higher than Elon Musk. To the moon. Because I was at home, man. That's one thing. You can't do shit. I will say, I mean, just doing something with someone when they're at home, you know, hold on, hold on.

It's just harder than when you know, because it didn't feel like work to me. If you're wondering what an episode of Kill Tony is like, is like when the guest never stops talking into the microphone, go back and listen. He literally doesn't stop. I could be like, Danny, please

stop for 10 seconds so that I could get the next comedian on. And he was telling us how to make like banana milkshakes and shit like that. I swear, I mean, not one of my finest moments, but, you know, you know, you know, a strong, you know, it was a setback for a strong

comeback. So, you know what I'm saying? Super strong comeback. Yeah. And by the way, I want to say about Danny, this is what a badass Danny is, that when people ask him why he moved to Austin, he says because of the up and coming fucking

comedy scene here, he's such a fan of comedy. That's not our true too, man. I move here because of a beautiful lady that I fell in love with so I'm here with her too. You know what I'm saying? But, you know, Yagi. I know, but y'all second, y'all, y'all, you know, you know, you can't take all the credit. Hey, pussy in comedy,

my friend. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? We got one of them here. Like, how big were you doing comedy in Florida? Like, did you do all that? Oh yeah, this fucking guy's still here. I forgot about this. Really? He did great. He did amazing.

Absolutely fucking killed. That's as good as you could do. You're gonna get two big joke books after this. He's from Jacksonville, man. He deserve it, man. I love it. Tell us something about you that we'd be surprised to know, Dylan. Let's make this interview a strong one and get out of here. My roommate and I, we're growing

mushrooms in our closet right now. I bet. Tony, if you're looking, we got it. Nothing I love more than closeted mushrooms, you know what I mean? Oh, God. When those things come out, they are fucking butt fucking delicious.

Dylan, what else? Do you have any special skills? What do you do when you're not doing stand-up? What do you like to do at night time and things like that? I grow mushrooms in the closet of my room. Other than the mushrooms, Dylan. Other than the mushrooms, Dylan. Come on. Stick with me, Dylan. I'm sticking with you. I write

jokes and grow mushrooms and church's chicken. There we go. Oh! Did you say church's chicken? Church's chicken. That's the only thing down there. The worst chicken. The worst chicken. That's the worst chicken. Yeah, man. They only just got that hot pepper.

People go to church's chicken just for the little pepper. You know what I'm saying? See, y'all know what I'm talking about. See, you don't even dog. You're in two different worlds. Have you had bushes chicken yet? See, man, my grandma was Filipino and sometimes she had to, you know what I'm saying?

You know, Filipino's cheap, man. They make the worst. They make the best out of what they got. So, church's chicken for my grandma was like buffet type shit. She'd be like, oh, we gonna get some churches. Cause you can get like 50 pieces of chicken for like five dollars. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But as a kid.

I love it. What's your love life like, Dylan? Oh, God. I know. We grow mushrooms in your closet. I know. It's not good. How about your love life though? You been on a date recently? Oh, I've been on so many and they last 12 minutes at all. Yeah, you been on what? I've been

on a couple here, a couple hinge dates and they're not good at all. How did the most how did those end for you? You got late at all? My roommate has, my dog is over somewhere. Dylan, let me ask you this. Have you kissed a girl since you've been here in Austin, Texas? No.

Oh, well, then you know what that means, everybody. Kiss me. Where the strippers at? Guys, this is a little segment on the show that we like to do where it's somebody hasn't gotten a kiss. Hold on, red band, red band. Please just relax.

Jesus fucking Christ, you are the biggest creep ever. You couldn't wait. Oh my God, you literally like you just ask the call. Just relax, just relax. This guy hasn't gotten a kiss yet from a Texas girl. You guys know how this show works. Is there a Texas

girl out there that's willing to give this guy his first big Texas kiss? Come on, someone's got to do it. There's got to be somebody out there. Is there a different Texas girl? Dylan, shut the fuck up before you cock block yourself, you idiot. There's got everyone knows that oh,

there's a stairway over there. Stairs. No, no, no, stairs. You have to take the stairs. Yeah, you got consent. Just go get the fuck around this way. You know what is there somebody else? No, Yoni, Yoni, Yoni. I don't want that one. I don't want that one.

I don't want that one. Go back to your seat. She's got fucking Amy Schumer energies. I don't like her. I don't like her. I need a girl with a good spirit to take that stairway. Come up here and give this guy a big fucking

Texas kiss. I'm going to wait. There's got to be someone willing to do it. It could be up in the balcony. They could be on their way down right now. But I know someone's going to do it. Hans Kim, where you at? There better be a fucking girl

on her way to this stage. It's fun. No, I don't know. I don't want to fuck it. Whoever's going to do it, just better fuck it. Okay. Goddamn it. She had take one for the team. It was a take one for the team. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. With that new titties, red rose, yellow rose shirt. What's that?

Because, well, sign up next week. Sign up next week, you little fucking dirty little slut. There you go. Yeah. The great Kaylee from red rose and yellow rose everybody. Oh, I thought I recognized you. You got it.

No, I did not. I'm so glad we stopped the fucking Karen from coming up here that was trying to make her way up here. She was going to kiss this guy and then complain to the manager afterwards about it. I didn't bugging know what I was signing up for.

I could feel those energies from 12 feet away. What is the longest set you've done? 30 minutes. I'd love to have you on Thursday on the singer show. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Dylan.

Dylan Jarbo. Am I saying that right? Yeah. And he's on social media. Dylan Jarbo. How do you feel? Your first kill Tony appearance. You killed it. I love it.

Dylan Jarbo everybody. Shout out sunset strip. There you go. You go ahead. We're not doing shout out tonight. Jesus Christ. Shouting out streets over here. Streets in California. So stupid.

Guys, there's only one way to end a show like this. You want to fucking do it? All right. This guy, the reigning and defending undisputed king of kill Tony. With two decades of experience

in Chicago at second city. My dog. Got diagnosed with ALS and became a comedian and now he is kill Tony regular. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

The one the only the great Michael Laird everybody. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, life is short. Live it up.

That's why most women don't report their rapes. Too much paperwork and don't waste a minute of your life. Never talk to and open my comedian unless you need

advice on food Stanford. All right. But I don't know how long I've left on this earth but I know I want to be buried with my dick in the bitch.

All right. But I will not waste a minute of my time to not give me advice especially medical advice. Nothing you tell me has missed

my biggest dozen of neurologists. All right. You're giving me a research paper. I don't have time for research papers. I'm too busy fucking your mother.

All right. Now. But unless you're a woman unless you're a woman then you can read me my conf and I'll sit there

smiling in the corner. All right. But don't fucking touch me. My nerves are super sensitive but if you're a woman you can make me like a cow. All right.

But I want to say this my nurse life girlfriend just broke up with me because of my new hobby narco terrorism. But I want to say one more thing

I love guns but there is one segment of America who does not deserve the right to bear arms me because there should only be

one question on the gun application do you have any fucks left to give? I have no fucks left to give because no guy

get holy shit these people get it these people fucking get it me Michael mother fucking lights out lair in the house ladies and gentlemen holy shit

you're best set in like like since we've been in Austin this motherfucker gets stronger and stronger every week it doesn't make any sense flow guy level like one hope speaks and make this song we can't get

the game broken I believe Danny Brown said that to me earlier when uh it was a rap I think that was a rap hey Mr. Brown you know you're my dog don't do this don't do this

but Danny no I brought a friend I know Danny I love you so much I love you thank you Danny and you know I'm such a big fan of yours and rap music

in general so Danny I brought you a present oh oh shit really it's hooked the back of my tear we grab it oh shit

here we go I painted the picture for Danny meaning my apologies look how excited Danny is to open a present right now he loves this shit Danny's got like the greatest

fucking spirit out of anybody I know he really does I don't know no no we love it but I trust him you're goddamn right there's no fucking anthrax in there or anything

oh shit what is it oh shit oh you got an emotional reaction oh my god they're kissing oh oh shit what is it

rest in paradise prodigy no because we had a conversation where we talked about rap music and I told him that prodigy from mob deep I don't know to me if people know about prodigy from mob deep but he um he died not too long ago so rest in peace with prodigy

but he's like one of the best rappers that I think ever to exist in the world that didn't get his prize when he was on the earth and if you look up the stats of everything you know it's just a lot of time we overlook shit because what's going on in the world but the number one hits he had he done everything that you can possibly do as a rapper

and still didn't get the props to be looked at like when we think of who the top five rappers are ever you know no one would think about mob deep in prodigy but in the world he is my top five rapper that I ever heard in my life so make some more fucking noise with prodigy

I love this fuck yeah Michael Lair giving gifts to Danny Brown Danny Brown giving kisses to Michael Lair did he paint that? you painted that? no Michael Lair didn't fucking paint that are you dealing with your feet? you couldn't do it with his fucking feet either

yeah I'm Dan I'm Daniel Day do this my left foot and my right nerve but for real that was painted by a Toronto artist

named Stay Busy who's a great fan and um also shout out to trackstardj he's a trackstar that's my dog he sent me some blood fan shit

I went on tour with trackstar actually yeah he's a DJ he choked out one of my homeboys yeah that's what I had when you toured for a long time we've had so many shout outs on this is this Kill Tony or the breakfast club what time is it?

it's so time Matthew Michael you get niggas on the set trackstardj put my niggas in the in the rear niggas but I think he was just mad I'd like to get a shout out to take one uh shout out to one

yes keep going hi Ray are you still pro you on probation man I don't know I've been black for 40 years I ain't met one nigga named take one that was definitely a white person ghetto name they came up with

no I don't know what nigga named take one can I see that painting though I should know what nigga named take one you know that mother fucker I ain't met no take one we all know take one

we all know that man we're in a new era man my name is daniel yo black people ain't naming kids daniel no more you give it I'm saying daniel? ain't that fire think about it

in 2021 you like fuck it I'ma name my kid daniel you got morals and values when you do shit like that you know what I'm saying I'm the best for this kid think about what you name your kid man when you have it

all these new names we don't know what it's gonna be we seen successful daniel look at em when I have one I'm naming my kid D madness that's what I'm gonna name it just D madness inch clip

D madness inch clip I mean if you figure out like you know black people like a french asterisk just spell it out like crazy you know what I'm saying when people look at him like we get caught in class for attendance they be like

D mooness D madness Michael what else has been going on this week? I got physically assaulted at the container bar you did on rainy street? at the container bar? wow you got physically assaulted

the asterisk I love those people and I like to go to bars like that I can't dance anymore I like to sing wait you can't dance anymore you can't do the fucking

I ain't know that he hit me up my nigga might hit me up like what's up I'm at this reggae club I'm like oh shit he does dude he got bitches whining I swear to god Michael Lair goes out more than I did

I don't know if I can pull up on this function he sent me pictures and everything I was like you know what he was literally at that bar the other night and I was texting him I'm like hey what are you up to you know I had the night off and it's right across the street from you know we live in

we live right next to we live in the same area I go outside and I'm smoking a cigarette and I look at the place that he's at the line is like a football field long music's bumping everybody's just wall to wall I'm like

what the fuck is he doing in there you know he's in the middle of the dance floor like everybody holding a mob like fucking you gotta call him to get in I'm on I'm on

this guy's out here fucking crowd surfing in a 100 pound wheelchair never a good time people are like this is much heavier than it looks go that way ow I love it Michael anything else we need to talk

about before we move on I wanna get grunt alright great let's do it let's all do it together Michael Tony guys our guest tonight catch him on twitch.com slash ex Danny Brown

ex he's twitching all the time how loud can this place get for one of the greatest rappers of all time Danny Brown no play no games my man tell me a motherfucking air fryer for my

birthday one of my long time friends the great Danny Brown if you just use the professionals I can one with that I love you man how about a big hand for Michael Lair everybody MichaelLairComedy.com the yellow rose and the red rose makes it all possible

shout out to CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres shout out to our friend Yoni at best barbecue show make sure you follow him some delicious crown royal up here tonight how about a hand for the staff here at Vulcan Gas Company

also Adrian Cavazos at Bones Eye on social media check out these books that are happening let's check this Ryan J. Ebel drawing out oh my god look at this look at this shit look at that that's you look how fucking cool we look

RyanJ RyanJEbel.com for all these prints every single episode of the show it's absolutely incredible how about a hand for the band everybody D-Madness Michael Gonzalez and Matt

Mueling follow them on social media at Mutation at shit Mike Agon's 13 and Lorenzo Jackson something something we'll do that out for next week

sorry D-Madness alright on to the next one we go we'll see you guys next week we do this every Monday now hey Vulcan Thursday 8 o'clock we have a secret show as you can see a lot of people from this are gonna be on the show also got a bunch of Saturday Night Live

people in this episode get your tickets at Desquad.T that's true support live standup comedy almost so headlining a show here Saturday for the first time in a month I'm pretty excited about that there's gonna be a lot of fun special guests on that some brand new material

from me thanks to our little friend from Dallas that changed my life so I have something fun to talk about I love you guys so much every single one of these episodes we feel at home here in Austin, Texas we love you guys thank you

goodnight everybody we love you we love you you you you