KILL TONY - #512 - RON WHITE

Episode Date: July 3, 2021

Ron White, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, David Lucas, Zac Bogus, Michael Lehrer, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/21/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band, coming to you live from the world famous Vulcan Gas Company in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for a Tony HinchCliff. Austin, Texas come on make some fucking noise we're here.

Woo, home sweet home in beautiful Austin, Texas baby. Come on guys make some noise for the great Brian Red Band is here. What's up everybody? Yeah. Woo those lights are bright tonight. Yikes. Fuck yeah. I'm excited to be here. Another fun one line up. Guys how about a hand for the band that you've been listening to? A real professional musical. Last audio there for a second band. Guys, Michael Gonzalez on drums, Matt Mueling on guitar, John Deese on the keys and the man with an eye for talent, D-Madness right behind me everybody. We're gonna be rocking and rolling with them all night. Shoutouts to CM Smokehouse at CM underscore Smokehouse for filling us

up with delicious food thanks to our friend Yoni who can be found at Best Barbecue, a barbecue connoisseur here in Austin, Texas and a hell of a friend. And shout out to the Yellow Rose and Red Rose for making it all possible. Very fun stuff. We have a bunch of handmade custom leather books by the great Adrian Kavazos at Bones Eye with a Z Bones Eye and we have some small ones for people that don't do good on stage. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? When I pull a name out of a bucket and they do good. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. I don't think I've ever asked

that in Austin. It's good to know. Good to get a barometer for everything. I mean these episodes have been absolutely crazy especially since the big move from our former hub of entertainment to here at the Vulcan Gas Company. How about a hand for the staff? Here. Amazing crew. I'll take a delicious Crown Royal and Coca-Cola whenever you guys get a chance. Sounds good. We'll get the party started. And let's just jump right into it. But before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible for you, for free right now. You know, squeaky doors, clogged sinks,

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who the guest is going to be. It's always a very, I'm a fan of old school pro wrestling. I like surprising the people. And every single week, somehow in Austin, Texas, we're able to snag cooler guests than we even were in the big city of Los Angeles, California. This week is no different. This is the man that convinced me to move to Austin, Texas. This is one of the greatest comedians of all time. Your guest tonight is Ron White, everybody. Yeah! God damn motherfucking right! The golden goat!

Ron White is here! The fucking king of Austin, Texas, a man that I am so proud to call a friend, maker of delicious number one tequila. He's on tour right now. Get tickets at tatersalad.com. He's going fucking everywhere. Absolutely killing and always fun hanging out, doing shows. I was promised a participation trophy. Looking great too, man. You look healthier than I've ever seen you, man. That's great. Well, thank you. It's always a good compliment coming from Red Band.

You're looking great too, Red Band. Thanks. Thanks. That looks healthy, don't I? Yeah, looking good, full of nutrients and other shit. I love it. We're having fun here. The great Ryan J. E. Belt is hard at work drawing tonight's episode back in Los Angeles, California. He draws every single episode. I got to see. I'm going to leak some information. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should keep that a surprise for next week, but I will say we talked about Kiltoni bingo cards before. Maybe it's really happening. Bingo cards where

crazy shit that happens on the show. You can check it off as it happens. Maybe I call someone a bafoon is one of the spots. Maybe I say Okidoki is one of the spots. Maybe Red Band has a misplaced sound effect is one of the spots. There you go. We have the great Chris Rogers drawing live here in Austin. A local Austin artist. I'd seen on the news. He was all over the news. He painted this big mural in the soccer stadium. The new soccer stadium. Is that it? Yeah, he was on the news. Oh, there you go. He was on the news. I thought he was. Yeah, OK, good.

There's me stopping myself from making another Austin shooting joke, everybody. Very good. It's fun. I have this new set of breaks since a month ago that I have where I can stop myself once in a while from going too hard too fast too early on in a set. So should we get this episode started or what? You guys know how it works. I pull a name out of the bucket. A bunch of comedians sign up before the show. You have an undertaker doll that sits in this bucket for some reason. A bunch of names in the bucket. I pull one out. They get 60 seconds. You know the 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then.

I'll bring out the one and only angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. There that's good. So don't go over your time because that's super annoying when that happens. Now, normally I would start the show by pulling a name out of the bucket, but would you guys like to start the show with a special treat instead? Yeah. Well, in that case, ladies and gentlemen, this is exciting for you, Ron, because this is the newest regular on Kill Tony. We announced a new regular two weeks ago and he is here to debut a new minute. I do believe this is your first time ever seeing him. Ladies and gentlemen, the newest Kill Tony regular,

the only one that was made a regular in Austin, Texas. He lives in Austin, Texas and his name is Hans Kim, everyone. Here we go. Hey, what's up, guys? Good to be here. My name is Hans and I know what I look like, but I always liked this before the vaccine too. So I got the vaccine or as I like to call it, Western acupuncture. Only one needle. It sucks being autistic because it's the only disease that you can diagnose in a bar. No one's ever like, hey, this guy says he has non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Let's do Jigabongs with this guy. He has cancer. It's just with autism. But I saw a dude at a supermarket take off

his mask to cough, which I thought was the wrong way to do that. I wonder how this guy has sex. Oh, I'm about to come. Let me take my condom off real quick. I almost got semen in my condom. That would have been disgusting. There's a theory that the coronavirus was leaked from a lab, which I think is hilarious. It's so Asian to take your home, to take your work home with you. All right, thank you guys. Hans Kim, everybody. Really, really, really clever jokes. You're a really, like, really smart guy. I know that's another stereotype of you people, but those are really clever, smart jokes. Thank you. They call me the Asian Tony Hinchcliff.

Ooh, la-la. Wow. Well, I wish there were more Asian Tony Hinchcliffs. It seems like there definitely aren't many out there, according to my Twitter feed. There seem to be quite the opposite. Hans Kim, how's life going? We haven't seen you for a week. It's always good. You're constantly smiling. You can't even help yourself. You literally have a smile stuck on your face. Your smile is as wide as your eyes are. I absolutely love it. Hey, look at that. Whoa, now you really are the Asian Tony Hinchcliff. Look at that. Hi, everybody. It's me. Move your mouth. Move your mouth. Hi, everybody. It's me, the Asian Tony Hinchcliff. Welcome to another show. Make some fucking noise, everybody.

There you go. We're pretty good at this. We're like a real, like a little ventriloquist doll made in China. Hans Kim, you're an absolute killer. Ron White, this is your first time seeing Hans. This was a brilliant move on my part, making him a regular two weeks ago. Yeah, I wonder how that happened. I don't know. Yeah, that's amazing. You know what? I thought he stayed really calm. I thought the jokes were solid. He stares them down and, you know, they don't come right at you, so that's hard to do as a young comic. I think he did really well, and I hope you can fish Tony out of all these fucking problems he's had. And it is a tough position you're in. Going first is the hardest spot on the show, and

you're paying your dues here. This is the newest regular. How you been enjoying Austin? What have you been doing for fun around town? It's beautiful. I went to Martindale to go floating down the river, and there was a little child that was lost, so I took it upon myself to paddle down the river on a paddle board, and I didn't find her, but I went on a journey. Wait, you didn't find the child? No, I found myself. Wow. The glory of looking for a child on mushrooms. You just found out that there was a lost child? The ladies and gentlemen, there was a lost child, and you went looking. Is that what you're saying? Like they announced? It was the guy that was hosting us, his son, daughter, son daughter.

He's she. Son daughter. She identifies as one, but yeah, I forget which one, but she's a beautiful child. Ten-year-old. A two-year-old? Ten-year-old. Did somebody find the child? Yeah, he was just walking in the woods. Is this a non-binary ten-year-old we're talking about? What's going on here? You just don't know what it is. Intrigender, maybe. All right, Hans. Your float down the river went well? Yeah, I banged up my toes. I got band-aids on them right now. Oh, wow. Bang toes, bang cock. You got everything going over there. Floating down rivers, huh? I like your style, Hans. You're a cool guy. You kicked off the show with a bang. We're going to keep flying through tonight's episode. How loud can this place get

for Hans Kim, everyone? And now to the bucket we go, where anything can happen. We've had many wild moments here. Some of the people that I believe could murder me one day have been pulled out of this bucket in Austin, Texas. Why didn't he get a book? Huh? Why didn't he get a book? Oh, he's already got a book. Oh, you only get one book, no matter. Yeah, they only get one book. All right, all right. Plus, it's an empty book. It's a joke book. It's empty in the middle. Asians only like books that already have writing inside of them. They like reading. That's an Asian's like reading books joke, everybody. Wow. That's a positive joke about Asian people. They like gaining knowledge, everyone. If anybody wants to clip that and put it on the Internet, feel free.

All right, I pulled the name out. Your first stranger out of the bucket. Could be a local legend. Could be his first time. Goes by the name of Ben Howard, everybody. Ben Howard is next on Bill Tony, live from Austin, Texas. Here he is. Vulcan gas company, what's up? How are we doing? Let's get into it. Let's do it. I'm single. I know. I'm sure you summed that up. Thank you, the one person that yelled. I don't know. I can't relate to girls my own age. I just can't do it. I don't know. Let me ask you this. When did every girl get together and decide you were all going to be obsessed with zodiac signs? When did that happen? Because you know it did. Every girl in here right now is looking at me like typical Virgo. But I'm not. I'm a 2015 Ford Taurus. Practical, reliable, American.

But they are. They're obsessed. Because I haven't met a girl in the last ten years. In the first five minutes that question pops up. What's your sign? What's your sign? I'm always like, fuck. I know there's a wrong answer to this. Which there is. Because every time I tell them, it's always like, oh, we don't get along. It's like, that shitty of you to just decide we just met. You're telling me based off of your knowledge of a galaxy far, far away. You can sum up my whole personality. I'm not allowed to assume your gender, but you can do that. All right. That's my time, I guess. Thank you. Fuck yeah. There he is. Ben Howard. Coming in. Coming up. Thunder and lightning. Welcome, Ben. How long have you been on stand up? I started in 2013, 14. It's like seven-ish years. Okay. Where have you been doing it for seven years at?

I came up on the Phoenix scene and then the last two years around the Midwest, Ohio and Indiana. Ohio? Yeah, Ohio and Indiana. Okay. I'm from the Dayton area. Oh, from the Dayton area. What made you move to the Dayton area? Life is unfair. You should do that joke. Yeah. You're not wrong. Yeah. Dayton. And according to what you talked about, Dayton hasn't been going so good for you, huh? No. No. You should do that one too. Really, everything worth saying is much better than what you said. I've learned more about stand up in the last 30 seconds than the last seven years of going on stage. Maybe not dressing like a jack-o-lantern on stage would also be good for you. Maybe not low-key looking like low-key. That's hard to avoid with this face. I'm like Diet Ryan Gosling.

Indeed. Indeed. Indeed. Diet's one way of putting it. Strictly looking is another way. Ben, what do you do for work? I work here in Austin for a moving company. A moving company? You're a mover? I would want my money back if you showed up with those fucking arms. Moving my shit. What do you do? One shoe at a time or something? I carry the long trip back and forth from the truck to here. It's a lot of couch cushions that I carry. The company is called Little Guys. I'm six foot three, but I'm like this. All right. A moving company. Is it discounted or something like that? It's pretty cheap. It's pretty cheap because I show up and they're like, I don't think you can handle it. If you're hiring a moving company, why would you go with somebody called Little Guys?

In LA, a lot of the moving guys are Little Guys, but they're Mexican, so they can put a refrigerator on their back and walk around with it, just laughing up and down stairs. Our logo is a dude with a refrigerator on his back. Really? I swear to God. Wow, look at that. See how dialed in. I feel it tonight. You're on it, dude. So really, dating hasn't been going good for you, huh? Is that true or are you just goofing around up here?

I've never been in a relationship that's lasted a year. Okay. When's the last time you were in a relationship? I'm like talking to a girl right now, but we're not really actually dating. What do you, what does talking mean? I haven't used the word talking since I was 16, so I don't know exactly. Welcome to my dating life. You're dating a lot of 16-year-olds, huh? No, no, no, it's Ben Howard. Ben, Ben, Ben, you son of a bitch.

I know. Through yourself, right under a refrigerator. It's not my fault. So you're talking to a girl. Describe to us what talking to a girl means. I don't know, last night we sat and talked. Wow, you're just literally... Yeah. Is this story going to be much longer?

I haven't fed my dog, dude. So you're literally just talking with her? No, we got there. I got in the... I'm starting to see why you're having trouble getting laid, Ben. I got a, you know what I mean. It's a lot of that, dude. I can't turn that off. It's unfortunate. I'm a goofy fucker. Oh my goodness gracious, Ben. So what did you do last night with her? You went full intercourse?

We went, yeah, it was full. It was full intercourse. Really? Where was it? You seem like the kind of guy that puts on like two condoms. It seems like you put a condom on your condom to play it safe. I was zero condoms. Really? You're raw dogging it out there? Yeah. Holy shit, look at you. Moving company indeed. Things move fast with you. Little thing called faith, dude. Little thing called faith.

Alright, don't ever fucking dude me again, dude. Dude. I love it. Ben, what's something crazy about you or your life that we'd be shocked to know about you? Anything you ever accomplish or win or do? I would be shocked. Accomplished? I'm an aspiring stand-up comic. No, I have Tourette's syndrome. You really do?

I do, yeah. What's your tick? I have several. They've actually changed, but the one that's remained the same has just been my, I winked this eye. Wow, that's a, I noticed you did it right after you said that and I didn't notice it before. Just talking about Tourette's set it off a little bit? I think it does. No, it's when I'm on stage or on camera or something, I'm zoned in so I guess, I've been told that at least. It doesn't really come out when I'm performing, but day to day I'm just winking at everybody.

You ever get in a fight like a guy goes, you just wink at me motherfucker? No, but my other one, I have to extend my middle finger. I swear to God, if that started in junior high and the first time I'd ever got, I was just driving down the street and my hand was on top of my car. And this dude pulls up next to me and says, why are you flipping me off, dude? And I'm like, I'm not, and I can't, we're going 75 miles now. I'm not like, I'm sorry, I have a condition. Like, it's not, it's not, so he just thought. You should do this on stage, dude.

You got some stuff, man. You get, once you stop doing stand-up, you're not bad. That's good to know. You're the ripper. Hell yeah, fucking jack the ripper over here. I love it. All right, Ben. Well, you were, you were fun, you know, you're talking about being, it felt like, it felt like something was off.

You know, you're like a good looking young buck. You should be, what else do you joke about other than being single? Oh, I mean, I don't know. What are just premises? Don't do a joke for the love of God. I'm not going to do a joke. Don't do another joke. I'm just asking, what types of things do you like to talk about?

I don't know, I talk about, I talk about people who vape, I talk about tornadoes coming up. I got to know what you say about tornadoes. I have to fucking know what you fucking say about tornadoes. Just that, like, I think it's time we started naming them, because we name hurricanes, and I feel like they do a similar amount of damage. You told me not to do a joke, and now I'm doing the joke. No, no, I know. Don't, especially if we could go back in time, I would tell you whatever you do,

don't say that I told you not to do a joke while you're in the middle of a joke. So let's fast forward now, and now you're back. We name hurricanes, we should name tornadoes. Yeah, because they do a similar amount of damage. Like, when you watch news coverage of a hurricane, you know, you know who did it. There are always, like, thousands of homes destroyed, and millions of people displaced because of Hurricane Katrina, and everyone's like, who the fuck is this Katrina bitch?

But just, it would be nice to have a name to throw the blame on, to bring us together with the tornado. Like, what happened to your house, dude? Fucking Doug. That's good. That's good. You could lose about 20 seconds off the front of it. We name hurricanes, we should name tornadoes,

buh buh buh buh. Tighten it up. Doug, yeah, Doug boom, exactly. Ron and I see the same thing. You got the Doug part right, because Doug is funny, you know? All by itself. It's a funny, it's one syllable. Doug, you know?

It's good. I like that. You just got to trim the front of it a little bit, you know? It's a long setup. You sort of dug yourself into a little hole there, you know what I mean? Ben, fun times. Thanks for getting this show. Thank you so much.

Hey, Ben, Ben, check this out, dude. Look what you got. You got to kill Tony Book coming your way. Make some noise for Ben Howard, everybody. Come on. On to the next one we go. You guys having fun out there? Hell, yeah.

God damn right. All right. I like the name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Tony Arabalo, everybody. Tony. Can I get a crown and diet? Oh, look who just started his diet, everybody.

And can Ron get a Texas Select? Yeah, another beer for Ron White. Here comes Tony Arabalo, everyone. One more time for Tony. What's up, crowd? How are y'all doing tonight? So why is it that girlfriends who haven't wanted to have sex with you for literally like five months suddenly decide that they want to bone

as soon as you start watching the first episode of Kill Tony, that brand new episode of Kill Tony that comes out? It's like, she's like, why are you watching this stupid shit? What the fuck do you like in it? I'm like, just hold on. Hold on a second. He's about to give us a special treat. Let's just see what happens.

And she's like, special treat? Why don't you come? I'll give you a special treat. Come get my special treat. You know what? You need to make a decision right now. His special treat or mine. And I'm like, well, it's a tough decision to wait.

Tony gives about three special treats a week. And you. There you go, Tony Arevalo, getting love for the audience for some reason. Not exactly sure why. Tony, Tony, Tony. Very rarely is there a Tony that struggles in life. But here we go. I found one.

I have been. Yeah. Look at you. You are absolutely adorable. The first thing I said when I saw you, I don't know if red band even heard me, but I put my mic down. I said it a lot. I go, this guy's going to kill.

And boy was I wrong. Very rarely. Very rarely are my instincts that off. I thought by your look alone, there was nothing you could do to possibly fuck up. And then you did whatever you just did. What was that? I don't even know what it was. Shut up.

Did that happen to you exactly that or are you making that up? No, no. She's getting mad at me because I'm like, I watch the show and she's always like, you know how a girl wants to always, like when you're watching something, when you're into something that it's not getting better, is it? She sees that you're at something more than her. She's like, oh, now I want to fuck you. I'm like, oh, God damn it.

This girl sounds like a real piece of garbage that we're talking about. Have you ever thought of? I've been with her for five years. I mean, when I talk, I'm the one that has the right away on this. I promise, Tony. Sorry about that, sir. I know. It's my name on this, not yours.

I promise you. Sure. Have you ever thought about just talking with her? Well, we've been together for five years. Wow. It's more of like a live in, she's also been cheating on me for five years. Okay. I fucking love where this is going all of a sudden.

We just took a right turn in the correct direction. See, I don't care because it's like she lives with me. So it's free pussy whenever I want. Free pussy whenever you want. She's way too hot for me, so I don't give a fuck. She's way too hot for you? Yeah, basically. I mean, she was one of those borderline Hooters calendar girls.

She didn't make the calendar, but she almost got there. Wait a second. She's like a Hooters calendar girl. But she didn't get on the calendar. She almost got on the calendar. She almost made it there. That makes her just a normal Hooters girl. Yeah.

Did she make it on another count? No, not a normal Hooters girl. Did she get the job at Hooters? Normal Hooters girls. She didn't even get the job at her. Some of those are at least at work these days. Jesus. Wait, what'd you say?

I'm sorry. Yeah, I know. You keep talking when people are much more professional than you are talking, Tony. You're on a podcast now. Sure. Wait a second. Son interrupted. He's ended Tony Arevalo.

Yes, sir. Tony, what do you do for work? I actually just got a job recently. I'm Mexican. You can take a wild guess of what you might be doing. Newving company? Why don't you answer the question, Tony? That's like big black and white men.

No. Mexicans either work on roofs, landscape, or construction. So which one do you do, Tony? Number three. I just got this job like a week ago. Okay, construction. Yep. Okay.

Yes, sir. Some people are clapping for that for another very weird reason. I'm not exactly sure why. A lot of fans of construction in the audience here tonight. Yeah, it only took construction to build everything. What exactly do you do for construction? Install fire alarm electrical systems into schools and whatnot. Wow.

You're allowed that close to schools? That's what I said. So Tony, your girl's been, how do you know she's been cheating on you? Well, she cheated on me within like the first, like she moved into my apartment. Like we've lived together for five years, but she cheated on me within the first week, but I didn't care at that point because I didn't even know we were really together. And so I kind of just kept her around because she's super hot and like, didn't really care because I mean, it's, it was fun.

I mean, it's been fun. And I know I'm not going to marry her. Like it's not like an end game for me. It's just like, God, she's not chained to anything. Is she? She's what? She's not chained to anything. Is she?

Not all the time. You're just keeping her alive so you can fuck her. Is that what's going on here? When I do discover that she's cheating, that's like a fucking get out of rape free card. Like I can just, you what? Wow. That makes sense. Go ahead.

You can't rape your own girlfriend. Like that's not possible. Can you? Tony. Oh my God. This is the motherfucker that's going to actually get me canceled. Yes. D-Madness is standing up.

Fuck yeah. You know how, you know how crazy shit has to get for the blind man to try to leave the stage? D-Madness. He thinks he's at Antones right now still. He's going to walk off the wrong direction. He's at the stage of the wrong direction. Woo. Tony, I'm afraid to ask this.

We're six minutes into this interview, but what's the craziest thing about you? I mean, that's reserved for like a 2020 with Martha Stewart or whatever the fuck her name is because like some crazy shit has been done. Martha Stewart 2020. Not Martha Stewart. Whatever the fuck that lady's name is that interviews people on that show. Jesus Christ, dude. Yeah.

It's been a crazy life. Wow. Name it. Tony, you seem like you could do better than a chick. You're locked up with the cheats on you. Take your hat off for a second. Let's see what he looks like. I like it though.

I don't want to, I mean. Let's see what he looks like with the hat off. Let's see. Oh, look at the audience. Show them your beautiful. Fuck you, red man. All right, Tony. Well, my goal to not get that fucking sound effect.

How long have you been doing stand up? This is like my fourth time. Very good. That's good to know. Keep trying it. And I had, I had like 30 more seconds today. Well, thank God that this show has a fucking format that it sticks to. I was going to do an impression of you towards the end of the joke.

You want to hear it? No one gives a fuck. Tony. You want to hear it? No, they don't want to hear it. Hey. I'm in control. Tony, Tony, Tony.

Tony, over here. Please, please. Yeah, I don't get to. Come get your little fucking joke book. Please. Band plays some music. There goes Tony Aravalla. Fine.

Fine. You don't get to. I know fine. You guys want it? Come here. Should we go to the bucket? You're fucking joke book, you piece of shit. There you go.

You keep it, sir. You keep it. You get it now. I can struck. I hated that. You can struck to fucking one minute set, you piece of shit. That did have the worst energy I've ever met on somebody. Damn.

Like just uncomfortable, creepy. It is weird. You guys said it that you like it when people do bad. We're over for two here tonight. Hans Kim brought the heat, bud. That was awful, right? That was just so fucking awful. I wonder what would possess somebody to think.

I'm going to give it a try fucking professionally. You know what? We had two rough bucket bowls. Let's change the energy in the room. Let's go to another regular. What do you guys think? Should we do it? Ladies and gentlemen, a very special treat for you.

All the way from Los Angeles, California. You know this guy for his unbelievable writing and incredible, incredible roasting abilities. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Kill Tony regular David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. So I got this girl that I'm really into. Like I think she the one like I want to marry her and shit. And like we trying to have a baby.

But the problem is I got like eight abortions under my belt. So it's like every time she get pregnant, one of the ghost babies kill our new baby. We got four miscarriages. I figured we got FOMO to go to be even with God. Sometimes she's like, I feel the baby kicking. I'm like, no, somebody kicking that nigga ass. All right.

Thank you guys. Yes. This could be one of those nights. It could just be the kill Tony regulars fucking hitting grand slams. While these bucket pools are out here just fucking writing manifestos. David Lucas coming in and absolutely fucking smashing. Yeah, Tony, you got on a gay school bediving shirt. Well, well, it looks great because it looks like I can dive right into you

because you're dressed like the fucking ocean tonight. Eight abortions ain't the only thing you got under your belt. You look you look like a 1980s gay condom, nigga. I look like a gay condom. You look like you look like I got bad news for you. Gay people didn't use condoms in the 80s, my friend. I look like two men on your shirt putting their asses together. This is a shirt representing my one of my favorite local bands here in Austin.

Nether hour, everybody. For those of you that don't know. Sundays at the drafting room, Tuesdays at the fucking whatever. It's a call latch key. Yeah, they have a shit. They play with us now before our stand up shows while the audience is coming in. Nether hours, the shit. Why you got that shirt on though?

The fuck are you talking about? He's talking about the white undershirt. The white undershirt, bruh, that shit. Make you look like you about to get on a bicycle with no seat. Son of a bitch. Well, you look like you're definitely not about to get on a bicycle. Look at you with those fucking what some people would, I guess you could still call them skinny jeans sort of. What are, are those fatty jeans?

The fucking white paint. I know you haven't been painting anything. What's that? Just blowing loads, trying to not make more abortions on yourself. Tony, you got on a skinny jean upper body. It's a shame the skinny jean doesn't run in your family. This motherfucker. My man.

Yeah, boy, you look like a gay tube sock. Oh my goodness. Oh my gosh, David, you are a wild man. Man, you already know, bruh. I fucking love it. So how's life been going? It's been a couple weeks since we've seen you. You've been in Los Angeles.

You're one of the guys that goes back and forth. You got a place here. You got a place there. Yeah, and I took my daughter to Georgia for two weeks. Okay. She's a beautiful kid. Yeah, they really are. They're unbelievable.

They're in the house tonight, hiding up in the green room. They're watching me right now. What's up, Yuri? Are they? They're watching the TV, I'm saying. I love it. I love it. Yeah.

When you're going to have some kids, you're going to give birth. I don't know. You're the one that looks like you're pregnant with quadruplets, right? What is the reason why you want to have so many kids? You've always joked about how you want like a... I want like at least six. Yeah. So I can have different baby mamas.

But doesn't that seem like a nightmare financially and like your face? Like... I'm going to tell every girl that get pregnant by me, if you try to get on child support, I'm going to quit comedy. All my shows going to be charity. All of them going to be... Yeah, but you're still going to... Oh, well, money.

They can't take nothing from nothing. Nothing from nothing means nothing. Hey, got to have something. That's why you're not getting bullshit. They can't take nothing from nothing, bro. I got it on lock. I'm going to get me... I'm going to get bitches pregnant in other countries.

Oh my God. Really? Yeah. Where's your next country that you're going to go to? You're going to go... Thailand. I send that bitch $20 a year. Wow.

That's a good move. That's a lot of money. That's a good move. That's a lot of money. That's a good move. That's a good move. You're going to buy a boat and a house. Yeah, that bitch is going to be balling.

Get her a new pad. Yeah, I ran into a run today at the barbecue joint. Okay. Yeah, we ran into each other. At CM Smokehouse. Yes, sir. The amazing, our favorite place. We're fucking at least twice a week.

Always schedule a nap after I do that. Damn right. You got to. You got to. Boy, you eat that motherfucking brisket. Unbelievable. I feel bad sometimes talking about it on the show because people that don't live in Austin, I mean, there's a couple of places you could live, obviously, but if you don't, I mean,

it is just a whole different fucking level of food that happens here. It's an entire experience. This is by far one of the greatest food cities I've ever been to. Not to mention, let's say. L.A. food ain't got shit on Austin food. It's crazy. Food in L.A. is trash compared to Austin. It's crazy.

I think just like everyone in L.A., I think the food's also fake. Everyone's saying how great it is out there. The food is shit. Bullshit. You got to spend $200 to eat good in L.A. Well, I mean, if you're your size, maybe $400, right? $200 to eat good in L.A., and that's just when David goes to McDonald's. David, you absolutely smashed tonight.

I love what's happening with you. You're an absolute killer. A brand new minute all the time. The Kill Tony boys are killing it tonight. Make some noise for David Lucas, everybody. How about a hand for the stairs doing the Lord's work tonight with David Lucas? I got to tell you guys that comedy is born from tragedy, and that was fucking tragic. That fucking good comedy right there.

That guy's fucking hilarious. David Lucas is a stone cold assassin. He's also a cold stone assassin. You guys like ice cream at all. He loves cold stone creamery. Cookies and cream. It's an ice cream place. All right.

I pulled a name out of the bucket. As we know, anything can happen. Make some noise. 10 seconds uninterrupted goes to Miles Johnson. Miles Johnson is next on Kill Tony. Come on. One more time for Miles Johnson, everybody. Oh, oh, hey, oh, hey.

Thank you, thank you. I met a guy the other day. He told me he was translingual. Apparently that means you just feel like you should be able to speak Spanish. Okay, a little bit there. Yeah, he just walks around doing like George Lopez show, basically. It's mostly English, but then he throws in a... One of those.

His pronouns are vosotros. That's pretty nice. Good for him. He's a good guy. Learn to be better. I talked to my brother the other day. He's a gay man. He says, Miles, being black and gay, that's the hardest life.

I said, yeah, you know, you're right, you're right. But I don't know about the hardest. Try being black and unironically into Lincoln Park. Okay? It's a little bit harder. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Miles Johnson. Welcome, welcome, welcome, sir.

This is your first time on Kill Tony. Yeah. Very likable, likable man. How are you, Miles? How long have you been on stand-up? I'm good. I've been doing stand-up like, I don't know, like a year and a half, something like that. All of it here in Austin?

Yeah, yeah. Is this where you're originally from? Like born or... Sure, any of it, yeah. I was born in Temple, Texas, and I moved here from school and I've kind of been just hanging. Okay, you went to Texas? Yeah, UT, yeah. Yup, and what did you study there?

Economics. Okay, did you graduate? Yeah. What year? 2018. Okay, do you use that degree for anything? No, no. What do you do for work?

I'm an auditor at UT. So, I don't know, I didn't really, I don't use, you can't like, I learned after I got the degree, you can't like really use economics, just like... Don't you think that colleges should probably tell you that before? It's such a fucking scam. There you go, red band. There's so many people I know that have degrees, I was like, yeah, I was too far in into it, and then I realized I can't do shit with this.

Well, why don't you have that career or that, I mean, that diploma? That's absolutely true. I was gonna make a joke, but I completely, if there's a 17-year-old listening to this, stop going, stop your plans, don't listen to your parents, get good at something, and go do that for a living. It's ridiculous. We don't normally get that serious on this show. Jesus Christ, this college, a waste of everything.

So, here you are, Miles, you're doing it. Ron, Ron, disagree with our don't-go-to-college advice. I just don't know why we don't, we just fuck a buzzkill, dude. We're trying to have a good time over here. We don't care that much about him. I mean, really? Why are we acting like we can't fuck about him? You don't fuck no.

That's a fair point. I'm no one. I'm no one. I will tell you this, I really like your demeanor on stage, and I think you have a good presence on stage. I think you're good with the microphone, you're very clear when you talk, and I think that that makes a good platform to do stand-up comedy from. So, I think in the last year and a half, you've made quite a bit of progress towards becoming

a decent comic, so good on you, man. Thank you. Absolutely agree. 100%. So, let me talk with you here a little bit, Miles. What do you do for fun? What is a guy like, you're like, what, 24, 25? Yeah, yeah, 25.

What do you do for fun? It's kind of black, but I'm basketball mostly. Wow. I love it. He had to say kind of black before that. I wish I got to say that of all the kind of black things that I'm into. But if I said that, people would be like, what the fuck did you say before you said that thing?

But that makes sense. What's the whitest thing about you? If that's a black thing about you, what's a white thing that you're into? I have an Asian girlfriend. Oh, wow. Very rare, the Asian girlfriend. You must destroy that little pussy. Oh my God, Red Band.

Red Band. Red Band does not, we do, Red Band does not, these comments do not, are not responsible, kill Tony, whatever. Do you destroy that little Asian pussy or what? I bet that thing's got some miles on it. If you know what I'm talking about miles, you know what I'm saying? Hell yeah, dude. You're fucking turning that thing.

All right, go ahead. How long have you been dating this Asian girl? What kind of Asian is she first of all? A million dollar question here because I'll tell you, I have my favorites and my least favorites. I'm really pulling for Filipino right now, to be honest with South Korea. Japanese? It's fine.

She's a little hot piece of chicken tikka, if you know what I'm talking about. I don't. I'm really trying to, my brains, I took my alpha brain today. I'm filled with vitamins, but I have no idea. Well, chicken tikka masala, you know? She's Indian. She's Indian? She's Indian, yeah.

She's Indian? Yeah. Oh, you're calling an Indian an Asian? Ah, I did not like that. I'm sorry, but it's true geographically. Yeah, you know it's true, but you could also have just said I'm dating an Indian girl. Everyone knows Asians, mostly the Asian, you know, Koreans. It's not as fun.

I was going to invite you guys to sushi, but... Okay, how long have you been with this Indian girl? About a year. Okay, where do you meet her at? Tinder, actually. Oh, wow. All right. Okay.

My goodness. Is there something different than being with an Indian girl that's different than being with other races that you've been with? I've never been with an Indian girl, so I'm actually genuinely interested. Great tech support. Yeah, everyone knows red bands are a worldly sex addict. I mean, not much. I mean, she's pretty whitewashed. I mean, her name's...

She's got like a white name. It's true. I mean, she's just a little hairier, I guess. She's a little bit hairier? Oh, shit. All right. Okay. She's fine.

My goodness. All right. Do you like the hair? Do you like it? It depends where, but I don't mind too much. What does she do for work? Disgusting guy. She's a teacher.

Oh, okay. What does she teach? She teaches English to like 11th graders, like special ed. Oh, okay. I was going to say, why would an Indian teach English? But now that I know it's special ed, that makes total sense. Those people have a different style than us normies. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. It's funny because these are all the jokes that I've always made, but now it's like now everyone can just feel the tension in the room ever since the old incident. But he's like, oops, he did it again. All right.

All right. Well, that's fun. Like extremely interesting stuff, Miles. And what are you afraid of? What scares you? You have any interesting fears? Oh, I have it. No, red band.

Yes, police. He's about to say, well, this is a pretty black thing about me, but the police, everybody. It's called like trip, tripophobia or something. It's like the eyes. It's what? No, it's not. The holes.

Yeah. You're afraid of holes? Like when there's a bunch of holes together, like an iPhone camera, like he probably hates this right now, looking at the three holes. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. I always thought it was interesting. Like what the fuck?

You're afraid of holes? I'm not afraid. It just kind of like grosses me out. Yeah. Any kind of hole? No, no, no. It's like when the holes are together like this, like when it's like a pattern, kind of like a bunch of eyes or something like that.

Yeah, like a fly's eye or something. You said triptophobia. I thought you were talking about like robitussin or something like that. I don't know. It's all new to me. But Miles, fun stuff. Like I said, you're super likable. I could talk with you all day.

It's a very long interview. It already happened. Time flies with you. And you know what? You're getting a big joke about it. Miles Johnson, everyone. Follow him on Instagram. Miles, the black guy.

That's literally his Instagram. M-Y-L-E-S, the black guy. All one word. Back to the bucket we go. You ever did a hairy woman, like a hairy Italian woman or... It's too much for me. No. Like you could shoot it on their back though and they can get up and go to the bathroom

and it doesn't drip down. So that's a good thing about it. Good. Oh my God, red band. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Fuzzy Kalebe, everybody. Fuzzy Kalebe.

Fuzzy. I think Fuzzy's been on before. I think I remember Fuzzy sort of. Here he is, everybody. Speaking of hairy people, here's Fuzzy, everybody. You guys believe it or not, I've lost 80 pounds. Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, thank you. It was 120 but then the pandemic, you know? And still not doing too well with the women despite the weight loss. Not a big gash-gitter myself. But there's this new dating app. I'm on all the apps but there's this new one that's working extremely well for me. It's called Minder. It's Muslim Tinder.

All these little masala shorties are swiping right. First picture, me at Terry Black's eating pork ribs. Hashtag Ramadan. Next one, me smoking a joint reading the Bible. Live photo of me leaving a backpack unsupervised at the airport. Oops. I matched with this girl. I have photos of me doing comedy.

She's like, oh my gosh, are you going to be the next Aziz? So let's go on a date and you find out. Boom, Fuzzy. Look at you, dude. Thank you, Tony. This was a big improvement from your last time on the show. Am I correct? I thought I did pretty well.

I did have the World War III bracket bit. Okay, you could have just said yes and we would have moved right on. It would have been cool. Fuzzy, always growing, always getting better. Another new minute. What ethnicity are you, Fuzzy? Pakistani, but Pakistan because we're in Texas. Okay.

Okay, that is from the Mosaisli Cantina. That is a whole different country. Literally in a different galaxy far, far away, but. I thought you just caught on to that. I've been doing it for over a year. I know. Fuzzy, welcome to the show. Yeah, that was a good set.

So you said that you are on a dating site. What's it called? It's called Minder, but it's like it got sued by Tinder and now it's called Salams. Jesus Christ. I'm not actually on it anymore, but I dabbled. Okay. You have a girlfriend? No.

You're single? Yeah. All right. When's the last time you went on a date? It's been a long time. How long? Over a year. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Ron, what do you think? My round of applause. How many of you girls would fuck this guy under any circumstances? There's your girl right there, buddy. Come on. Let's go.

I just fixed this for you. Thank you, Ron. You're a nice looking guy. I thought you did a pretty good job, but I think you really look like a comedian. I mean, you look like you ought to do stand-up comedy. I bet people told you that all the time, right? Yeah, man. You look like a comedian.

Yeah, I've gotten a few times growing up and things like that, but that means a lot, man. Thank you. Yeah. But being a comic really doesn't matter if you don't get any pussy. Yeah. Because that's what pushed me over the line to really do the hard fucking work was... Honestly, the second time I ever did an open mic, I got fucking laid afterwards. Right.

And it's not happened since. By another comedian or by an audience? Just a girl at an open mic watching. You're in Austin? No, in Milwaukee. Oh, Milwaukee. Yeah. Some of those breweries out there.

Some of those fucking... Werner Shirley. Yeah. Some of those fucking Milwaukee fucking... All right. So how about here in Texas? What's your stats like? It's been over a year since you got laid, right?

Yeah. That was a year since the date. How about since you got laid here in Austin? No, I haven't, honestly. You haven't? Have you kissed a girl here in Austin? Yeah, I've kissed a girl I've made out. Where at?

I've done some touchy feeling like the library or whatever. The library? It's a name of a bar on 6th Street. Excuse me. It's a what? It's a name of a bar on 6th Street. The library. Oh, okay.

Fuck yeah. That's why you're not getting laid, dude. That's not only Hans Kim made out with girls at libraries. That's a very Asian thing. Pakistanis. You guys will fucking make out like on the front of airplanes before crashing into towers and things like that, right? No, what I usually do is I've made friends with this Amish guy.

And... Wingman? Yeah, me and him, we... Exactly. That's a sick, huh? Me and him hit 6th Street and then I go up to girls. I'm like, this is my friend. He's on Rumspringer.

And it never works, but it's so much fun every time. Right. Is he really Amish and on Rumspringer right now? Yeah, he's been on the show, actually. Ridge Hershberger. We know Ridge. What do you do for work, Fuzzy? I was working at a call center.

I actually got rid of that job. I got my job back that I had pre-pandemic now, which is like a coordinating producer for a sports league. Okay. How do Pakistani parents think about you doing stand-up comedy? They haven't seen much. My dad loved the kill Tony that came out just with Louis J. Gomez. He thought it was hilarious.

I haven't really talked to my mom about it because she's probably going to be like, ah... You know how they get it. Yeah. But your dad loved it. My dad loves it. Yeah, that's great. Okay, what does your dad do?

He used to be a police officer, private detective now. Wow. Yeah. Damn, a Pakistani detective. Yeah. Yeah, getting under all the hairy situations. There you go. Oh, he found some DNA on the scene.

Wait a second. It's mine. Black curly hairs everywhere. I love it. Fuzzy, how long have you been on stand-up? A little over a year. A little over a year. Like 13 months, yeah.

Okay. What's your favorite joke you ever wrote? Your shortest favorite joke. Have you already done it on the show? I really like the World War III bracket when I have a short one I can do, yeah. Yeah, what's one that you haven't done on the show? I think Jesus was gay. Right, the last supper.

Jesus, you want to roll the Bethlehem, get some bitches? No, let's just get the boys together, drink some wine. Can you imagine Jesus and the disciples getting blasted the night just before just knowing the impending doom, smoking joints, taking shots. It's what I call crossfaded. Wow. Incredible.

Yeah, for sure. He was definitely gay. That guy loved getting nailed. Add that to it. Thank you. That's a gift from me to you. Thank you. He did come out of the cave.

Fred Dan. Don't do that part. Don't do that part. He's on Instagram at FuzzyKill. Did you get a big joke book last time? I didn't actually. All right, well, you got one this time. There goes Fuzzy, everybody.

Fuzzy was he. At Bones Eye on Instagram with the Z-B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. He's a taxidermist, turned guy that makes the leather books out of things. It is absolutely incredible. Fun stuff. Should we do another special treat? You guys are here on a very, very, very special episode of Kill Tony. There is something that's going to be accomplished here

that has never happened in the history of the show, and you're going to find out by the end of the episode exactly what it is. But this is a part of it. There's another regular here, ladies and gentlemen. He moved to Austin, Texas, and he famously, famously destroys every single week with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, the big red machine himself, William Montgomery.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Make some noise, people. It's the real William Montgomery. It's kind of awkward when you're looking at odd chicks on Instagram, and all of a sudden an Amber Alert pops up on your phone. A true marketing genius would sell ads on Amber Alerts. Kaylee Henson, eight years old, Plano, Texas,

two-for-one margaritas tonight at Chili's Nationwide. Ashlyn Parker, 11 years old, Fort Worth, Texas, last seen in a black Chevy Cruze. Check out Dave and Buster's new eat-and-play menu for a limited time only. Miguel Rojas, 10 years old, Round Rock, Texas, currently wearing a blue cap and khaki shorts. Zero down, 0% APR financing on all Toyota trucks during Toyota-thon. But also remember with Kill Tony,

get free shipping on Fort Hems by using promo code Amber Alert at checkout. Wow. I mean, just set it on your clocks. William Montgomery is here to take over, everybody. Another brand new minute of stand-up comedy that is absolutely destructive. You are loved on this show. I just spent an entire week. We've been doing shows.

It's fun. You know, I used to open up for Joe Rogan, and now I go up in the middle. William goes up first on these Joe Rogan shows and absolutely destroys for 15 minutes every single time. What a great combo that is. It's unbelievable. I feel like such a proud papa every time he brings me on stage.

I just have to remember my jokes. I've been reading them on that. It's bad. But you know what, man? You have such a weird different style. If it was anybody else, I would say, you know, you should stop reading your jokes. But look, you read those, you fucking kill.

I mean, when the killing stops, then we'll worry about what you're looking at or what you're reading or whatever. But in the meanwhile... Yeah! Yeah, William, you were really bummed the other night. Like, we hung out with you after a Rogan show, and you tried to not read from your joke thing for a while.

We peer-pressured William. We wanted to see what it would be like if he didn't read. And I couldn't do it. And Joe bullied him into not reading his jokes. And it turns out it is. You're just different not reading. Yeah, I couldn't do it. It was horrible. I felt awful afterwards. That's because it's way fucking harder, dude.

It is. It takes hours of fucking practicing, shit. That's right. You're a genius. It's so funny. I'm 31 days sober now. 31 days sober! Wow!

I do. I still have a bunch of cocaine in one of my jacket pockets back at the apartment, though. I'm waiting to do that on a special night. You found some cocaine? No, I just had a bunch. And then the night I went crazy, I just... I stashed it away, so I still have some. It's like a little chipmunk.

Wow. Yeah. Look at you, you little coke-chipmunk. Incredible. Any close calls or temptations or anything? Stuff so interesting to me, because William was a... I mean, this guy would wake up and he would walk to go buy his first 12-pack of the day. I don't know. Be careful. My parents watched this.

Don't say that. We used to do a podcast together, and it would sometimes be at noon, and he would come with a six-pack and two of them already drank, and I'm just like, dude, it's noon right now. You don't have any... That's a long way of putting what we were already talking about up.

But your girlfriend still drinks, so there has to be some temptation there. Yeah, I don't know. We just found out that there is a ghost inside of our apartment, so that has... No, seriously, the fucking bathroom door was shut the other night. Nobody shut it. It's really scary.

William's girlfriend called him when he was doing shows with Rogan and I, and she called him freaking out that... Honey, I wasn't even in the bathroom, and all of a sudden, the door was closed, and I walked in and the shower curtain, right? The shower curtain was... Yeah, the shower curtain had fallen.

The ghost got the shower curtain. By the way, she still drinks. Yeah. The long and short of that story is that she definitely just wanted William back home. She didn't want him hanging out getting his fucking little red dick sucked after a Rogan show.

She's like, baby, there's a ghost. Hurry home, I swear. She got me, I believed it. It scared me to death. I was standing up in that bathroom with goose bumps on my arms. I was like, oh, my God. Wow. It's horrible. Goose bumps on your arms, huh?

Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. Do you see a ghost? Did you feel any presence or anything like that? No, no, no, nothing. No? Nothing at all. Do you think that there was a ghost there?

What do you think happened there? Do you think your girlfriend maybe just wanted you to come home a little bit? I don't know. That might have been it. You said that, then that made a little sense. Yeah. I don't know. I was literally just scared of a ghost. Yeah.

William, never in the history of life has there ever been a proven ghost ever anywhere of all time. And then you said... Are you sure about that? Stupid. You could probably find Bigfoot before you find a ghost, William.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. We'll see. I don't know. All right. Well, what else is going on? Are you still in life? Anything else? Not a lot. Still watching. I don't know what season it is, but still exclusively watching Survivor.

I love that show. It's not a joke. I literally just cannot stop watching it. You're just watching old episodes of Survivor? Yes. You're binge-watching them? I am binge-watching Survivor. Okay. All right.

Pretty exciting stuff now that I'm not fucking drinking and doing cocaine all the time. Boring as shit. I ate it. Have you been eating a lot? Rumor on the streets is that you have filled your drinking and cocaine habits with a huge addiction to food. Is there any truth to this?

Yes. What have you been eating? Egg o' waffles with a bunch of butter and syrup. I'll eat four of those stacked up. You've got to fill every hole, right? How many egg o' waffles are we talking about, William? Four at a time. Four?

Four at a time. And maybe that two times. So eight and all. There's a lot of holes in those waffles. At least we know you're not tryptophobic. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, another absolutely killer minute

from William Montgomery. On to the next one we go. There goes William Montgomery. Let's pull a name out of this bunker. We're coming around the bed now. There he goes. We're coming through the fans. We're proud of you for not drinking, William.

How about another hand for William Montgomery, everybody? There he goes. Now many people come to Austin, Texas and then find sobriety. Opposite rule. Yeah. Most of our friends found Adderall and cocaine here.

Brand new addictions. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, this looks like a new name, Paul Ciphers, everyone. Paul Ciphers is the next. On Kill Tony. Let's see what happens here.

Step back from that ledge, my friend. Here's Paul Ciphers, everybody. One more time for Paul. When I was a young boy, I was sexually attracted to a Nintendo 64 controller. It was one of the clear purple ones. The sexiest kind, I would say.

I'd wait until my parents went to bed. I'd sneak downstairs. I'd put a rumble pack inside of it. And then I would shove it into my ass, everybody. I don't know. I'm sure some people played the game Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, right?

I beat the game Tony Hawk's Pro Skater without using my hands, ladies and gentlemen. I used to play with my brother. He had pink eye for three years. One of my favorite games was Mortal Kombat. It's a very progressive game. Featured the first disabled African-American

in a fighting game, which is Jax. Also featured the first Jewish character in a fighting game, which was Reptile. Everybody. So... Finish him, and then he would foreclose on your home. That was his face out.

Thank you all very much. Paul Sifers. What up, what up? That was great, man. Nice hair, Ron. I got the same dude. Cat Williams over here, me and you, all right? You guys do. You have long locks. Yeah.

I just had... I was letting it grow out, and I looked like Moses. Yeah. And then so I'd... I'd told them to cut off one inch of it, and they cut off three, and now I look like that Dutch boy paint. Yeah. Yeah.

Heck yeah. Heck yeah. And Paul Sifers looks like Miles' Indian girlfriend right now, though. Facial hair. So welcome, Paul. Thank you. N64 controller. Is that true?

No, it's just like a... It's shaped like something you would put in your ass, so that's an old joke. It's like something you would put in your ass, my friend. Nintendo 69. Yeah. I love it. Playing a little Mario fart, huh?

You know what I mean? Putting that Tony Hawk Pro Skater right up your half pipe. You know what I'm talking about? Very funny Mortal Kombat joke. I really did not see that one coming. Yeah. That was very, very good. How long have you been on stand-up, Paul?

About three years. You know, I just moved here in April. Before that, I was doing stand-up in Massachusetts, outside of Boston. You've been on the show before? One time, yeah. And this appearance went better than the last time, I'm guessing.

Yeah, I went first last time over in Antones. That crowd fucking sucked. Yeah, it really does. That's right. This place is rock and roll, baby. This place is rock and fucking roll. Got to speak with one of the owners of Antones. Do you want to talk about that?

We ran into each other on the golf course. It was the craziest day. It almost seems like they had no idea what they did wrong. It was pretty funny. They know now what they did wrong, if you're wondering, to the short end of the story. But pretty, pretty funny,

since they're the only people other than Pang Dang to call me a racist, publicly. By the way, right now, the YouTube of Kill Tony here has 15,000 people watching it right now. Why? Why?

Watching it, why? As it's released. Antones' biggest numbers with 7,000. Yeah, good job, Antones. Really good at business and taking care of the people that took care of you. Really good stuff.

Really good stuff. I'll mention that every episode for the next seven years, by the way. If you're wondering, wow, he always mentions Antones at some point. You're goddamn fucking right. I love it. Anyway...

What's eating you, Tony? LAUGHTER I love all your video game jokes. Do you have a... Do you Twitch stream? Are you a video gamer? Before I did stand up, I played the game Super Smash Bros. at tournaments.

Making money doing that. Who is your character? In... King Dedity, he's a fat penguin. I'll play anybody for money. If anyone wants to do a best of three set, $1,000, I'll play you. Tonight, I'll get drunk beforehand.

I'll fuck anybody. Have you ever got in a lap dance before? I have a girlfriend who's a comic, so I would love to get a lap dance, but I don't believe... Fuck said that you're about to get a lap dance. Well...

I'm just asking you if you've ever had a lap dance. I just... I've seen people get lap dances on the show before, and I wanted to preemptively say that I don't think she would... How many you think Paul should get a lap dance right now on this show? Put one of those...

Put one of those chairs. Thank you, sir. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Get rid of that. Stools don't work for lap dances. Pull up one of those chairs right there. Thank you. Make some noise for Cade from C.M. Smokehouse. That's one of the best goddamn chefs in the city right there. Paul, have a seat.

No, come on. Don't do this to him. His girlfriend's here. That's bullshit. Red Man, shut the fuck up, dude. Jesus Christ. Put your fucking microphone down. Shut up, you poop joke motherfucker. Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you Kaley from the Yellow Rows and the Red Rows. Have a seat, Paul. Have a seat. Keep playing it, Red Man. Play some strip club music. Please, for the love of God, man, please. Woo! Look at her, Paul.

That is the first in the history of Kill Tony. Normally the first kisses go to people that don't have kisses. Normally a lap dance goes to somebody that's afraid of girls. That's the first. His girlfriend is in the place right now. Ladies and gentlemen. Alyssa, I love you.

Alyssa, I love you very much. Hey, Paul, what's your girlfriend's name? Her name's Alyssa. Did she sign up tonight? No, she's at home. Oh, okay. Well, I was going to give her a minute. Now she's really going to be disappointed. That sucks.

Well, I'll probably fuck it up in the next month. So I think we'll be all right. Let me tell you, Paul, you got two weeks before this episode comes out. So just play it cool. My flowers. Pretend like you had no idea what happened. In fact, don't even tell her you got pulled out of the bucket.

She's not going to watch the show. Everyone who knows me, please do not tell. Oh. Thank you. It sounds like an N64 controller is going to be up your ass again real soon. Are you concerned about that, though? Or do you think she's like...

Oh, she's extremely jealous. Come on. If she watches this, she's going to see what happened. I literally argue with my co-host. Yeah. But she'll know that I secretly probably wanted to happen. So she's not going to find that out. You just blew it, dude.

Come on, man. Just say your name. Put your name in the bucket if you want to say some shit. Jesus Christ. No, Kaylee's allowed to say whatever she wants. Kaylee, from the red... You think I just had some random girl give you a lap dance? No, I thought someone yelled it from the audience. All right. That's from the red rose, yellow rose.

That was Paul Seifers getting a lap dance. His girlfriend is at home thinking that he's out here behaving himself. And he is. He's a good guy. You had a great set. Did you get a joke book last time you were on? I did. I did. I got ready. He brought it with him. You've been using it.

You told me if I didn't have it on me when I saw you that you would blacklist me. I would have it everywhere I go. Wow. And look at you. I swear to God that tonight's set had to go better than the last one. The Kill Tony joke book is working. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Paul Seifers, everybody.

Thank you, guys. He's on Instagram at real Paul Seifers. Woo! Yeah. Let's go back to the bucket. We couldn't get Alyssa here. She's at home. You guys think we should get a lady up here, huh? Look at that.

Look at that. This happens every time. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Mary Bryant, everyone. Mary, the first lady of the night here on Kill Tony. We support female comedians

all the way. Our first four regulars, all females. Actually, our first five regulars. Sarah Wineshank Yeah, it used to be a thing. We used to want to be, like, kill Bill and have women as assassins. Ali Mikovsky,

who now opens for Rogan all around the world. And up next is Mary Bryant. Mary. Uh-oh. We don't see no movement for Mary. Uh-oh. This is why women only don't get paid

the same amount as men. Mary. Oh, boy. This is big trouble. Uh-oh. All right. Who knows what happened? It could have been, uh... Oh, boy.

All dudes now. We're in big trouble here. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Is Addison? Addison's a woman's name. Addison Kleber, everybody. Addison

Kleber. Nope. You're a guy. Fuck it. Get the fuck out of here. Get yourself a man's name, bro. Wow. That was a real dude's name? Fuck that. Yeah.

What a bitch. Yeah. All right. This is it. Ladies and gentlemen. You know her. You love her. She's a cold assassin from New York City. She just moved to Austin. Make some noise for Leonardo Joni.

This is a killer. We love her on this show. Oh, shit. Is she not here? All these women are giving blowjobs in the bathroom. They need to stop. Red Band. That is so stupid. Whatever...

Whatever you're saying. Stop saying it. I'm starting to sense a real tension between you two kids. We have a case of the old Pink Floyds. We don't really like... We don't really love

working with each other. By the way, give it up for Tony. He was on the premiere of Rick and Morty last night. All right. I don't know what the fuck that means. Another Red Band joke you'll have to look up on the internet to find out what it meant.

Okie dokie. We're literally pulling every name out of the bucket. If anybody's friends with any females in Austin, you can tell them that they should start stand-up comedy. There's literally a shortage. Oh, my God. This is crazy.

We're running out of names. Ok, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, Holly Johnston is next on Kill Tony. Holly's gotta be here. It's gotta happen. Here we go, baby! Come on!

I'm so excited to be here. This is awesome. I'm 23 and I still live with my parents. Yeah. It's really hard having a relationship when you live at home.

My mom's always like, he has to sleep on the couch. And I'm like, where's dad gonna sleep? Ok. Yeah, my parents are getting divorced and I wish divorce could be celebrated

the way we do marriage. I wish it didn't have to be so negative. That's why I'm gonna throw them a divorce bash. I'm gonna invite all the friends they have left and I'm gonna play their wedding video the whole time. But it's gonna be on rewind. Because if you think about it,

your wedding video on rewind is a divorce. You're pulling away... Oh. You're pulling away from the kiss, you're taking off the rings, and the bride is being dragged back down the aisle by your father. Wow.

Holly Johnston. Her first ever Kill Tony appearance. Absolutely incredible. Thank you. Look at that. Right place, right time.

Holly Johnston, the third, you were in position. The third lady pulled out of a bucket tonight. You were actually here. You got called up. You're really 23? You really live with your parents? Well, not anymore. I just moved to Austin. Oh, that's cool. You can keep doing the joke though.

Yeah, totally. 100%. Where'd you move from? Massachusetts. Wow, another Massachusetts move. Very, very interesting. 23, so this is your first time living by yourself? Uh, no. Okay.

I studied abroad. That kind of counts, right? Okay. Where? Australia. Oh, awesome. Where in Australia? Queensland. Okay. Awesome. Love Australia. We just did a bunch of Kill Tonys there during the global pandemic.

And how long were you there for? Three months. Okay. What do you love about Australia? Just everything. I got my scuba diving license there. That was pretty cool. Okay. Did a lot of exploring. Did some skydiving. Okay.

Awesome. Look at you. Living your best life out in Australia. How long have you been on stand-up? Two years. Two years. And you did most of that in Massachusetts. You lived in Austin. This is the second week. Wow.

Awesome. Awesome stuff. I absolutely love it. You have a job yet? What are you doing for work? I start tomorrow, actually. Wow. What job do you start tomorrow? I'm going to be working at Opal Devines. Everyone come get some brunch.

Okay. Opal Devines. That's a restaurant. You're waiting tables there? Yep. You're waiting tables? I was working as a research assistant for a neurology place. Yeah. Okay.

I got promoted. What do you like to do for fun? Okay. That's hilarious. What do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies or special skills or talents? I like to work out. I like to write.

I like to draw. What did you say before working out? That was the first thing I said. That was the first thing. Working out, writing and drawing. What kind of drawing do you do? I like to make people cards. I like making funny cards.

So I'll draw either them or something they like and put a funny caption. That's awesome. Did you leave a boyfriend back in Massachusetts? He left me. What happened there? What a loser this guy is. What happened?

We just broke up. My real applause. How many guys here tonight would fuck her? How many? I think you're good. Yeah. It's pretty much everybody, Holly. You're in good shape.

D-Madness would fuck you. He has no idea what you look like. Beat him. Beat him. Beat him. I love it. Holly, have you ever been with a black man before? I have not.

Oh, my goodness. Well... My goodness gracious. In this guy, the guy that broke up with you back in Massachusetts, is just a normal white guy, right? Normal. He was also a comic.

Was he jealous of you? Was he not as funny as you? Maybe. I don't know. You got to ask, I guess. Why don't we call him and ask him real quick? No, I'm kidding. We're not going to. We're not going to call this guy. We still follow each other

and I really want to post this. Oh, yeah. It's going to be great. He's in Massachusetts doing nothing. The lockdown restrictions there are crazy, right? That's why I came here. Yeah, absolutely. A smart move. What do you love about Austin?

You've only been here a couple weeks. Is there something that you already are into? Yeah. I just love the nightlife here is amazing. I went kayaking the other day. That was pretty cool. Okay. I don't love the parking lot guards.

Those aren't my favorite homeless people. Those are homeless people. Still got it. It's a long hate relationship. You know what I mean? But those are indeed homeless people. I have won. I give one $20 to keep an eye on my car

every time I come here. The vest is very convincing. Yeah, you can buy that on Amazon or you can find it in a garage. So I don't have to work. Wager Singh is what you're telling me. How long have you been doing comedy? What's the longest set you've ever done?

The longest set I've ever done is 20 minutes, but the best set I've probably I'm better at 10, 10, 15. There you go. Would you like to do the Thursday's Balkan show? Yeah! Yeah!

You just got booked on a real show, Holly. Thank you so much. Are you working Thursday night? Uh... I, uh... There you go. Switch some shifts around. Let me know.

If not the next week. He's going to be hitting you up on... I'm not kidding. He's going to be hitting you up on Instagram to follow up with you. I think he'll understand. He's going to slider right into your DMs. Oh, God.

Holly, an unbelievable performance. Thank you so much. Great, great minute. Holly Johnson, everybody. Oh, okay. Oh, wait. Yeah. Holly, Holly, Holly, come back here. Holly.

No, don't give it to this dweeb. He's going to pocket it. This gay guy's going to shove it up his ass. Don't throw it at him. Holly, come up here. A big joke book. Hand it to you by the great Ron White. Holly Johnson. And give a look, see, at

the great Michael Gonzalez's drum cover. That new bass drum head that he's got. That was made by the great Megan Palin. You can follow her at Megan underscore Palin. P-A-I-L-I-N.

All right. What are we at here? We started at 8.15. It's an hour and a half. Should we do one more bucket pull? All right. All right. One more. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull

of the night goes by the name of D.K. Prabhu. D.K. Prabhu. Here we go. D.K. Prabhu.

One more time for D.K. Prabhu, everybody. Hey, everyone. I live in Kuala Station. That's kind of important to this story.

So some time back, I met this girl. We got talking. I thought we had a connection. And afterwards, I messaged her and she invited me over for a game night. I was like, yeah, I'm in. This was kind of an excuse. You know,

girls make those up, but it's always booty call. So I show up there and it's a fucking Bible study. Well, that's my fault, you know, trying to have sex in Kuala Station.

I bought condoms for this. And they were like these pasty white Aggies sitting there with their fucking Bibles. And I had cards against humanity. Which is kind of like the Bible with, like, less rape. Okay, that's all I'm gonna say.

Thank you. D.K. Prabhu. I missed it. I'm gonna be honest with you. I missed it. It was the thing that got a laugh there at the end. I'd given up on you in a 57 seconds. I went less than either. What was it?

It's tough. What happened there at the end? Well, I just said that, you know, I had cards against humanity. Which is kind of like the Bible with less rape. Okay. Alright, D.K. Welcome. You guys are very generous with your laugh.

This is. This is a very giving audience tonight. Give yourselves a hand for being a sweet audience tonight. D.K. Prabhu. Welcome to the show. This is your first time here. Even though I'm pretty sure you're two of the comedians

that went on earlier mushed together. Kind of, yeah. Believe you're Tony and fuzzy. A hybrid, if you will. You're absolutely adorable. What ethnicity are you? I'm from India. Indian.

You're not going to call yourself Asian first? No, I'm not. It gets confusing. I'm going to go with Indian. Straight up Indian, absolutely. What do you do for work? I'm a software engineer. That confirms it.

A true Indian, everybody. A software engineer studying hard to become a doctor one day. I love it. You have two options. How long have you lived here in Austin, Texas? I said I live in College Station. I just came here for the show. You didn't watch any of the set, did you?

You live in College Station. I thought that's not here. No. It's about 100 miles away from here. 100 miles away from here. Wow, that's a long ride on a carpet to get here. So stupid. I love it though.

You shaved your eyebrow and everything. You're really doing it. I love it, DK. So you drove 100 miles by yourself? Yeah. What kind of car are you driving? Nissan Centra. And Nissan Centra?

Yeah. I like it. All immigrants drive like six cars. Centra, Altima, Corolla, Camry. That's all we hear, DK. That's all we hear. You're in Austin, Texas. I love it.

You are in the capital of Texas, my little friend. Thank you. It's a long drive from College Station. Even the Mexicans are making fun of your accent. That's hilarious. That's when you know you're really fucking hot. We only have showmanic arch. I love it.

So, DK, let's talk about what do you like to do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to fucking have a good old time. I bet you have some deep dark secrets. I don't have any deep dark secrets. This is fun. This is a hobby. I don't do this for a living. It's just a hobby.

That's probably good. I think you're on to something. I really do. I think you're on to something. Come on, DK. Give us something good. What do you like to do for fun? Give us something good, right? Besides cricket.

Besides program. I did used to dance back in the day, but I don't do anymore. You son of a bitch. You know for a fact. How many of you want to see DK dance right now? Oh, yeah. Come on. You can do better than that.

Fucking let it rip. Do you want to be TikTok famous? Abza fucking Luley. Thank you. Wow. I can tell you waited your whole life for that fucking moment. You should have seen the look on his face when I'm like, you can do better than that.

He's like, I can't do better than that. I'm fucking show you what the double hand same way thing. What kind of software do you work on? We're working on fucking hardware now, dude. That's always... Oh, god. You really want to know that? Nothing fun? Nobody gives a fuck.

Yeah, I know. It's something fun sometimes. It's something fun sometimes. Come on, who gives a shit? What kind of floppy disk you're working on? DK, you dance, man. What else about you? What's your love life like?

Oh, god. I don't know. I haven't dated in a year. You haven't dated in a year? A year ago. Let me guess. The girl that you dated a year ago, that was an Indian girl, right? Yeah, she was.

Have you ever kissed a white girl before? Just say no. Let me help you out, DK. Say no. Have you ever kissed a white girl before? Yeah, if my mom's watching, no, I have not. Okay. Your mom's not watching Kill Tony on YouTube, okay? I don't know.

Last week's guest was Danny Brown. The week before that was Alex Jones, okay? Your mom's not watching. All right. So you've never kissed a white girl before? No. Is there a little Texan girl that would be willing to come up here

and give DK Prabhu come on. How about this? How about Ann Coulter in the front row, everybody? We have a celebrity in the house, Republican... Yeah! Oh, yeah, dude.

You get fucking ready, dude. Make sure you guys are safe. Make sure you guys are... No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. That was a fucking good one. Hell, yeah! You got good husband, right?

Goddamn. You're a bad bitch, lady. Yeah! Whoo! You get free tickets to The Secret Show Thursday. Oh, my God. Wow, look at that.

She went fucking... That was awesome, right? Nothing but Tiki Marcela flavor in that one there. Fuck, yeah. One in the curry, you know what I'm saying? How about one more hand for this lady, right?

Fuck, yeah! That's what I'm talking about. A woman of the people. A woman that will do anything to help the show. Goddamn. Live comedy in Austin, Texas. This is what it's all about. DK, love the dance.

Love the kiss. Love the set. You got through it. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the Kill Tony debut of DK Prabhu, everybody. DK underscore Prabhu. And look at that. A brand new Kill Tony jokebook. There's even a snake on it.

There's a cool snake in the middle of these Kill Tony jokebooks. So if you play your flute, it'll probably dance. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, that was chaos and it was unbelievable. That is not how we end shows here at Kill Tony.

This is, like I said, a very special episode because this is the first episode in the history of Kill Tony in which there are four regulars performing tonight on it. You know who's closing the show. He's the closer.

The Mariano Rivera of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, diagnosed with ALS a few years ago, decided to chase his dream of becoming a full-time stand-up comedian. Over 20 years of experience at Second City.

One of the greatest improv artists of all time. Now one of the great stand-up comedians of our era. This is Michael Larrer. Guys, this is it. This is the fucking noise you got right now

for Michael Larrer. Shut the fuck up. I've had a really hard time lately between being both Prime Month and because I trust

a lot of these faggots think I'm gay. Worse, worse make people so angry. Why can't you say the C word and not the N word? I say,

have you seen the size of some of these N words? They're gigantic. I'm not going to say it. I have a 22 year old son I did not raise but because I'm super sick, we're cool now.

I school him. I school him. I tell him be careful who you talk to at the black tag table. You never know who's

mafia. Now, they called the math student who did the math shooting like outside of here. Now, they picked them up at high school.

So, after doing the math shooting, he still went back to high school. Now, I know his impulsive were guns and crows

but, I mean, he obviously has a passion for geometry. All right, let's reserve judgment so we don't lose another

making rain man or another hoodwill hunting. Now, ladies and gentlemen, a lot of people say to me, they go, oh, you were a diaper.

I go, you only thing I wear a diaper cause I shit on your mob's chest. But, yo, but,

that is not an accident. That's foreplay. And that's the bitch's idea. Now, we should all be happy that Sonic the fast

routine has diversified the commercials. No longer is it two gay white supremacists sitting in the back seat of a car improvising about

the eating person they never eating. Luckily, now, the Sonic commercials feature brown blacks and whites who the

garbage food is actually marketed towards. Yo, Michael fucking there, yo! Fuck yeah. Michael Lair. While the

cats away, Michael will play three minutes and 50 seconds of new Michael Lair material. He gets more time than anybody because he only has so much left. Yo, Tony, remember

how I told you about you know I'm transitioning from being a degenerative comedian to a degenerative gambler? Yeah, this is true. Michael Lair, if you're following him on

social media, he has become addicted to playing in Texas Hold'em here in Austin, Texas. He is found. Yeah. Two of the most degenerative gamblers I know from the poker house

are here and they're willing to put $1,000 of another week to see who gets the most lives in the open, Michael. So two people that

have never done stand-up before, each going to do a minute and whoever wins, whoever the audience decides wins gets $1,000. Sasha, where you at? Where you at? Where you at? Where's Sasha? How many Indian people are at this

show tonight? Jesus Christ. I think it's Sasha. What's your name? My full name is Sasha. Where the fuck you at? He's up there. He's on the balcony, Michael. Oh, dude.

Dude. Tony said it's right. What kind of a debt do you have right now? Do you owe a lot of money to a lot of people right now? What's going on here? No. Bro. He's talking about two degenerate gamblers that want to bet each other $1,000

that they're the funnier one and I think that'd be fun on this show, right? Yeah. No? But then it's a great big question. I've played free-roll tournaments so I can

still ask for charity from you all. Wow. There you go. But yeah, from Suffolk, F1, there's two professional poker players who want to put

$1,000 on the line to see who gets the most lives in your judge. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Michael's been playing a lot of poker lately. I mean, a lot of poker.

I've been playing a lot of blackjack. I've been having fun with it. I've been playing blackjack here in town. The other day, Crystal Lea came and sat down at the table that I was playing at. It was crazy. It plays with balls, man. This guy was hitting on 16, 17.

He was busting everywhere. Busting all over the place. Luckily, no matter how far you fall, you're always 21.

For those of you that can decipher the code that Michael just said, you also get $1,000. Those of you listening at home, you know, I just like to say, it's an honor to meet you

without so soon. Who? Without so soon. That's a little bit of a read. My, this hair looks amazing. That is true. Ron, you've seen Michael before. Tell him how great he is.

You know, the first time I saw you, you were real fucked up. Yeah. I mean, you were toasted. I mean, fucked up. And it was across the street in that fucking canceled culture fucking shack. Yeah.

And so, I genuinely didn't get it because I couldn't understand the word you were saying. But since then, I've got to see you. I mean, you just don't show up the same exact way every night.

But every time you do it, if I can understand it, it's fucking hilarious. And you're a great writer. And now you're a fucking character that the world's worshiping. That's what it should be. That's very cool. I think it's cool. You know,

I fight to keep my voice heavy for you. So I try every day to sarcastic. Michael Lair dropping a brand new minute

of thunder and lightning. We did it again, everybody! Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas. Nobody has more fun on Mondays Than Us. Wow. Look at this awesome drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt.

Absolutely incredible. Check that out, Ron. Ryan J. Ebelt drew that while he was watching tonight's stream in Los Angeles, California. Cool as fuck. Every print of every episode available at RyanJ.Ebelt.com. Ladies and gentlemen, go to tatersalad.com. Those of you watching around the world

right now because Ron White is here and coming to a town near you, the owner of number one tequila and a guest of Kill Tony, a royalty. Come on, people! Makes the noise for Ron White! One of the greatest

ever do it. And I'm telling you, we've been doing shows all week. This guy's stronger than ever. Absolutely murdering. MichaelLairComedy.com for everything. Michael Lair, how about one more hand for the band, everybody? Yeah!

Shout out to the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, the best strip clubs in all of Austin, Texas. We absolutely love them. The great Kaley was here. Let's check out tonight's drawing from Chris Rogers. Ooh!

We have blayed everybody. Chris Rogers Art on social media. A local artist. Shout out to Adrian Cabazos at Bones Eyes. Shout out to CM Smokehouse. Whistle Pig Whiskey.

Crown Royal. Yoni at Best Barbecue. Follow Adrian Cabazos at Bones Eye for all the joke books. Come to Vulcan Gas Company this Thursday. Another stand-up comedy show. And again, one more thank you to Ron White for joining us tonight.

Absolutely an honor to have you come by our show. And thank you to the audience. We love you guys so much. Good night, everybody! Tony Hitchcliff, everybody! Tony Hitchcliff! Don't go out today! Don't go out!

Have a great weekend. Have a great weekend! Fast Flayman. One, two, three! Got your shitbye, Mungaatwe Twice, plus. Have a great weekend! Have a great weekend!

Have a great weekend! Have a great weekend!