KILL TONY - #513 - WILLIAM MONTGOMERY

Episode Date: July 9, 2021

William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Zac Bogus, Michael Lehrer, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/28/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM �� TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Austin, Texas. You can do better than that. Make some fucking noise for these people at home. Yowee, wowee. We are home here in Austin, Texas. How about a hand for the great Ryan Red Band? Hey, what's up everybody? Oh, snap.

This shit's about to motherfucking go down tonight. Feels good in here. How about a hand for the band, everyone, that you've been listening to? Hell yeah. The great D-Madness is behind me, everyone. Let him hear you. The great John Dees on the keys, Matt Mueling on guitar, and Michael Gonzalez on the drums. These guys absolutely killing it.

Heard a little fucking no diggity when I was up in that green room. Woo, wee. It's an Asian guy in the audience. Hello, sir. Just wanted to let you know you're super welcome here. Hi. We're all having fun. Shout-outs to the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose.

They are some of our biggest supporters in town. If you guys ever go to a strip club, go to those ones. It's common sense. They have a world-famous cheeseburger there. Sometimes I go there just for the cheeseburger. It's awesome. I actually just had it. It's great.

Speaking of delicious food, shout-outs to Yoni at Best Barbecue and CM Smokehouse. That's where a lot of us are going to be on the 4th of July. We're going to be celebrating at CM Smokehouse, eating delicious barbecue, listening to our friends, The Nether Hour, play some music, and yeah, which reminds me, follow all these band members here on this stage on the internet. When you're in Austin, Texas, taking a break from seeing absolute comedy shows, go check them out. All these guys fucking rock.

There's a bunch of great stuff. They're always doing amazing things. In fact, I know for a fact, the July 9th, Michael Gonzalez has a special release party at the Belmont, July 9th, and July 1st, Matt Mueling is doing a live show on the internet. You can watch that wherever you are. You can support Matt at purplebee.org. Check out their live show. Very, very exciting stuff.

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How many of you have been fans of Kill Tony for a while? You know the show. Wow. Well, then I think you're going to be very excited about tonight's guest. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a real in-house promotion. I bring to you tonight's full-time guest. He's going to be with us, the whole show on this stage. You know him.

You love him. Kill Tony regular, big red machine. William Montgomery, everybody. Wow. A huge moment in the history of Kill Tony. As the longest standing regular in the history of the show joins the desk for the first time in his history. Oh, half a standing ovation for William Montgomery.

I hope the cameras pick that up. Now, this is a very, very exciting time. Very rarely do we get the... You've been a part of the band before. You've been a regular on this show for literally years. You just will not stop writing a new minute every week. And this is your first time sitting here with me and Red Band. I'm really excited.

I was watching the prices right earlier. I have an app called Pluto TV. And I was watching episodes building up to Christmas in 1981. Oh, here, let's switch mics. You have my microphone. Give me that fucking thing. Headset mic. This is my fancy little yellow microphone.

You have that microphone. Thank you. So here's a fun fact for you guys. How many of you are excited that William Montgomery's here? Well, that's great. I'm glad you're all very excited about that because that means that I can tell you that tonight's guests were almost Quentin Tarantino and Joe Rogan. So I'm glad that you guys are happy because that's what you almost had.

I know you could be disappointed if you wanted to be. Or you could think of it like, wow, I'm at a show that almost had Quentin Tarantino on it. So think of it like a positive thing. And for the first time in the show's history to pay homage to literally one of my top two favorite artists of all time, I will be doing the Quentin Tarantino jokes that I would have done if he was here. So you'll notice throughout the show like, oh, that's a weird reference.

You have to picture William is Quentin Tarantino. It's going to be fun. So we're going to be doing that throughout the show. You'll notice when it happens because it's going to be very awkward. But yeah, you know, we got William on who cares? You know what I mean? I wasn't even that excited about Quentin Tarantino. You know what I mean?

It's like, whatever. Yeah. We got William Montgomery, you know, it's like going from a bowl of lobster bis to a bowl of cum. So everybody loves a bowl of cum. That amiga, that shut out that amiga there. So you guys know how the show works. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds on this stage.

You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then. I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. We have the great Ryan J. E. about drawing tonight's episode live. If yes, he's watching live in Los Angeles, California. We have a great local artist, Chris Rogers Art, drawing something else right over here. Follow him at Chris Rogers Art. He's going to show us his work at the end of this episode.

So let's start the show. You guys ready for this shit? Okay. Before we go to the bucket, let's start the show with a very special treat. Just two or three weeks ago, we announced here in Austin a brand new regular who will be doing 60 seconds every single week on this show. He's started and he's been killing, he's been killing every single stand up show that he's on.

This guy is the future and he's the present here on Kill Tony. Here is a brand new minute from our newest regular. Make some fucking noise for Hans Kim, everyone, the real Hans Kim. Here he is. Hey, what's up guys? My name is Hans Kim and my eyes are open right now. I have small eyes, but the Lord blessed me with a long face. So when I'm eating a girl out, I can still make eye contact.

A lot of people think Asian men are small dicks and even if that was true, and it's not, it's pretty big. But even if it was, it's not like we'd hear that and be like, oh, we got small dicks. Okay, we'll go find a new hobby, start to bother you. We wouldn't just give up. We start studying because that's what we do. We learn how to use it like a sewing machine. Plain station.

I'm a sapiens sexual. That means I'm looking for a girlfriend who's intellectually stimulated by the mental exercise of finding me attractive. Like a woman who's into puzzles. Thank you. Hans Kim doing it again. No surprises here. What a great way to get the show started.

Fuck yeah, Hans. Welcome back. How are you, buddy? I'm good. Thank you for having me. It's good to be here with Mutton Tarantino. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is.

It is. It is good to be here with him. I mean, good old Quintin here just hanging out with all of us. I love it. So let's talk about this set, Hans. This was a good set. Another stellar performance. I have a question for you.

You said your dick is pretty big. What do you mean exactly? How big is it? Like, I mean, like, are we talking like in conversion rate, like Asian to white? Like, I heard D madness crack up when you said you had a big dick. Not only does he have a black dick, he also has a blind dick. So that's extra power. It's like having a retard strength cock.

It's got its own pair of sunglasses. I don't know if you know that, but light up. The carpet matches the drapes with D madness. He's got a remote for his glasses that he plays in between playing the bass guitar. So how big is it, Hans? How many of you want to know how big Hans Kim's dick is? This is the show that you bought tickets for tonight, where we asked Asian men how big their dicks are.

We're going to have you compare sizes with the random Asian audience member in a second. See exactly what pretty big is. What are we talking about, Hans? I would say, if I'm being honest, five and a half inches. Wow, five and a half inches with a, it's pretty good. How big is it when it gets hard? I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a grower, so. I bet you are.

Hell yeah. I bet you are. Now, do you have a huge Asian bush or do you have a completely shaved? Yeah. Is it like a fork? Right now it's pretty good. If I don't take care of it, it gets a little Japanese porny. Oh, okay.

Pixelated? Yeah, it's got it. Pixelated. Yeah. Dixelated. I love it. So Hans, that's interesting. Who are these girls that you're eating out?

I love the joke about you being able to make eye contact while eating out. Who exactly are you eating out? Uh, my ex-girlfriends who are white. Oh, you have white ex-girlfriends. Yeah, most of them were comedians. Oh my, oh okay. What's the longest relationship you've been in? Six months.

Oh, six months. That's it. Yeah. Well, it looks like you never found true romance. That was one of my best movies. Thank you, Quinten. You wrote that. You didn't direct it.

Yeah, I wrote that one. That's the beginning of me doing misplaced Quinten Tarantino jokes. So you really have to, I noticed there was a little delay there. You really have to be waiting for them, for them to work. Hell yeah. Hans, what else has been going on in your world this week since the last time we saw it? Well, you're wondering, I'll always hit William when I do one, so.

What else has been going on this week, Hans Kim? I've just been chilling with the boys, playing a lot of Settlers of Catan. What? It sounded like such a prepared response. Well, Tony, I've just been chilling with the boys, playing what? Settlers of Catan. What is that? It's a board game, a turn-based strategy game.

It's like Monopoly and Risk. Jesus Christ. Wow. My goodness. Well, I got to tell you, Hans, another great set. Anything else for Hans? No, I'm just going to say, we found out recently that his home was damaged. His car was, he wrecked his car.

He doesn't have a house right now. Is that true? Yeah. My van home was, I had a home accident. Oh my God. Wow. But, you know, Hans doesn't have much money, so he started to go fund me, so, you know. He did?

Yeah. Wow. To try to get his van, his house back. I'm just a homeless person on 6th Street right now. How are you surviving? Like, what are you doing? I'm staying with my friend Riley Gilmore. He's the guy that couldn't come.

You have to say his full name like that, too? Is that like how you're paying your rent with shoutouts on Kill Tony? Just staying at my friend Riley Gilmore's house. You can follow him on Instagram and Twitter at Riley Gilmore. Thanks, Hans. You know what? You can take that June rent and shove it up your ass, dude. I love it.

So what's Riley's place like? You on a couch? I'm sleeping in one of his rooms that are empty. What do you sleep on? A bed of rice? I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that. I can't help myself.

Tony. I love the band shows that moment for that. Tony, he probably has a room, one of the, or four rooms. Yeah. He has an empty bedroom. No, you're not allowed to, no, you're not playing this game. You're gonna step on my actual fucking well-executed, well-written fucking things, red band. He only directed one of the rooms in four rooms.

No, one of the four rooms, but I said. I'll let you get away with that one. Don't fucking do it again. Jesus Christ. Fucking red band over here. So what's your sleeping situation? What are you sleeping on? I'm sleeping on the floor, on a mattress on the floor.

Okay. Floor mattress. That's even better. You upgraded. Yeah. It's better than sleeping in the backseat of your car, right? Yeah. It's got AC.

Oh, sure. Okay. I had sex with two black girls there. Wait, what? Yeah, we found out about this recently. There's two black girls in the same place? I happen to have lucky encounters with two women who happen to be black, so that's kind of my thing right now.

Really? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Look at you. That's fucking wild, huh? These women find five and a half inches acceptable? I have to extend it with chopsticks. Oh, you son of a bitch.

How dare you? That is absolutely incredible. I believe it though. All right, Hans, I got to tell you, every single week you come out with a brand new minute. I love your style. I'm so glad you're regular on the show. You are without a doubt a natural born killer.

So am I right? That was one of my best movies. Thank you so much. There he goes. Hans Kemp, everybody. Thank you very much. And the show has begun. Four rooms.

You son of a bitch. I would like to have seen Quentin Tarantino here and you saying that. Holy shit. Wait a second. Hold on. Is that the bad guy from the Terminator? Stand up and wave to the people, sir. Stand up.

It's the bad guy from Terminator, everybody. You see this fucking guy? Holy shit. That is absolutely incredible. What a star studded audience we have here. Wow. That is amazing. All right.

You guys ready for this bucket? This is where shit gets crazy. Anything can happen. Your first comedian goes by the name of Jesse Berlingame, everyone. Here we go with Jesse Berlingame. Yeah. And you know what? Can I have a delicious crown, royal and Coca-Cola whenever you get a chance?

I'll have one also. We love crown, royal and Coca-Cola on this show. Can I have a seltzer water with lime, please? Can I have a seltzer water with lime? Hey, everybody. Make some noise. It's Jesse Berlingame, everyone. Oh, shit.

What's up, guys? Yes, this is the haircut that I asked for. Thank you. Told my barber, can you maybe look like I sell bad weed but have a good coke? He was like, I don't know what you mean. I'm like, can you make me look like I shoot hoops and heroin? I was like, can you make me look like I use the A and the ER? He's like, all right, I got you, I got you.

I'm not racist. I am not racist. A lot of my friends are white girls in their 20s. They would have called me up by now. They would have said something on Twitter, probably. One of them accused me of toxic masculinity. You guys heard this term, toxic masculinity? I asked my dad what toxic masculinity is.

He said, shut the fuck up, pussy. Thank you very much. Jesse Berlingame with a great set tonight. Excellent. You've been on this show before, right? Yeah, I was on with Tim Dillon. Hell, yeah. I feel like tonight went even better than that appearance, right?

I did, yeah. Better crowd here at the whole thing. Look at that. Well, I would, you know, you're right, but I would give yourself some of the credit. Yeah, thank you, Tommy. Jesse, awesome. How long have you been on stand-up?

Four years. Four years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, from Worcester, Massachusetts. Okay. Worcester. How long have you been here? Two and a half months.

Okay. Three on the first, I guess. Okay. What's your living situation, Jesse? What are you doing here? I live with two other comics. We got a three-bed, three-bath with a pool. It's pretty sick.

My God. So... That many bathrooms? It's not Riley Gilmore's place, but it is pretty dope. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah.

I love it. What do you do for work, Jesse? I work in a factory. We clean parts for other factories. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. It's terrible, dude. You get it together, bro.

I know. My God. That's incredible. What do you want to do? Uh, not work. That'd be cool. If I could just stand up comedy for a while. How long have you been working at that factory since you got here?

Yeah, but I worked at another factory for seven years before that. Wow. Making lasers. What's the benefits of working at a factory? Do you just get, like, free haircuts or something? Looks like it. Looks like a free haircut to me, for sure. A factory cut.

Red Band wants to know, because he wants to work at a chocolate factory. Yeah. Tony wants to work at a gay factory. Oh, wow. That's a great rose joke, Red Band. David Lucas wrote it for me. Oh, my God.

That is incredible. My factory is pretty gay. I could get you in there if you want. What? What did you say? My factory is pretty gay. Oh, yeah. What's gay about it?

Uh, it's... All right. But fucking that goes on there. Okay, Red Band. Relax. Why don't we load up a sound effect for this interview or something? I love it. Jesse, what's your love life like?

Um, single. I haven't gotten laid in, like, two months. Really? Why is that? I don't know, dude. Have you gotten laid here in Austin, Texas? The first weekend I was here, yeah. How did you do that?

How were you able to lock that down? Uh, hinge. I was on hinge. Okay. And what happened? You met the girl where at? Her place? Uh, Rainy Street.

She was with a bunch of friends. I brought my two comic friends. We hung out all day. And then I just ended up at her place at the end of the night. Okay. Yeah. And then what happened? I went back to her place.

What happened? Uh, I quit drinking for two years before I moved to Austin. And I got really drunk with her by the end of the night. Like, all my friends were drunk. All her friends were drunk. I was like, fuck it. I'm in a new place. I'm going to let her get loose.

Have a couple drinks. So we just got drunk together on her rooftop and like saw like the cityscape and everything. And then I went back to her bedroom and had sex twice. You had sex twice? Yeah. Wow. And then we tried to have sex in the morning, but my dick was so hungover, I couldn't get hard.

So you were going, you tried for a third time, but it didn't work out. Yeah. It's always good to try for that last time before you could leave her house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get one to go. Yeah.

Sure. One for the road, as they say. Sure. Picturing you doing that makes us all want to vomit. That red band. There's a red band rolling over and red bands just jerking off. Trying to get it. Look, this guy's about to cry with his baseball cap.

Incredible. All right. Jesse, what's something crazy about you that we'd be shocked to know that would be good for this interview portion of the show? I don't know. Last time we talked about my porn addiction, I feel like that's cock. Oh, that's right. We should take that off my Instagram.

It's not helping. Okay. This guy's going to jerk off real quick. He'll be right back. What else? What else is there to talk about other than your porn addiction? Oh, I went to the Red Rose recently. Oh, very good.

This guy knows how to fucking do the show. It's not a good story. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Watch what you say. I don't want to disparage the Red Rose. Why don't you tell us what was great about the Red Rose, you fucking idiot? The girls were beautiful.

The girls were wonderful. Uh-huh. Very good. Even if you don't want a lap dance, they'll give you one. Oh. Make it seem like it's for free, and then be like, you have to Venmo be $25 right now. Oh, so there's some under. Wow.

And so the $25 lap dance that you must know, not only is nothing in life free, but especially at a strip club, is nothing free. I didn't have any money. My friends were like, we'll pay for you to get in. It was like three in the morning. Oh, yeah. I was like, I'll just try to hide out, and this girl just like, just seeped me out. I don't know.

She's, I was a mark, I guess. Yeah, dude. You're not a mark. You're a guy in a strip club. You're a fucking broke guy in a strip club. I had my back turned to the stage. You're sitting around hoping that nothing happens to you. Yeah.

Just thinking you're going to get to look at pussies for free. I was, I had my back turned to the stage, and I was vaping. I was trying to look as uncool as possible. Vaping. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. You were vaping in there?

I was vaping in the club. Yeah. Wow. That is just totally disrespectful. Going to the bathroom and not washing your hands, sir. Jesus Christ. A 30 second restroom break for this guy. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. We know that guy. Yeah. Anyway. My God. So you're vaping all that, but you had a good time, right? Was the lap dance good? It was great.

The song R&B by Young Dolph came on. Wait. Which song by Young Dolph? R&B by Megan Thee Stallion. One of my favorite songs. So it was a great moment. Well, there you go. Worth 25 bucks.

You cheap fuck. It was. Jesus Christ. I'm on a factory salary right now. How beautiful was the women? She had a mullet too, so it was pretty dope. Wow. You seem like you're sort of like a punk rock type of guy.

No? No. No? You have Fana Blink 182? I'm wearing a 3-6 Mafia shirt right now. Oh. Okay. Well, there you go.

You're also wearing the skinniest skinny jeans that have ever skinned in their entire lives. Yeah. Those things. Do you wash them by skinny dipping them? Stupid. So stupid. So dumb.

You know, other shows that you see like on TV, they have all these writers and cue cards. Not here. Clearly not here. We don't have any of those parts. I love it. All right. Well, you listen to a lot of rap music? Yeah.

Last time I saw Paul Wall, Slim Thug, Mike Jones. Where'd you see them at? In College Station. Wow. My God. Your friends pay for a lot of fun shit for you, huh? You ever thought about maybe getting a different job that pays better? I just interviewed for a valet parking company.

I mean, do you ever think about getting a job that pays better? I love it. I don't have a degree. I don't know. I don't know what to do, man. Yeah. You either do any of us on stage. There you go.

Jesse, another fun set. Congratulations. Really, really strong stuff. Follow him on Instagram at jesse.burlingame. And here you go, buddy. You got a big joke book via Adrian Cavazos at Bones Eye. He makes all these handmade, incredible, this absolute masterpiece. Wow.

Look, this one has fucking, like that one. You should see what he made. You should see what he made. See, madness. He made a strap for his bass guitarist and has a braille on it. It's right behind you. Really? Right behind you.

Look, he's holding it up. He's holding it up behind you. What is this guy doing over here? What is this drunk guy doing? That's so good. You guys know this guy? Hello, people at this table. Hey, over here.

Hello, people at this... Do you know that guy? No? What's he saying to you? Don't try to be funny, sir. What's going on? What's happening? What are you guys doing?

It's chaos. Zach Bogus won't take care of it. Zach Bogus. Zach Bogus gave me your pepper spray out. It's a little inside joke. That's the inside. Wow, a lot of people know that already. All right.

I pulled an eight out of the bucket. All right. I'll just tell everybody. So Zach Bogus works here full-time. And the other night, he was moving some people around. And he pulled out his pepper spray to use it on people at an EDM show here. And he ended up spraying himself in the face with pepper spray. So now, not only does he have pepper spray all over his face and eyes, but the people

that he was about to pepper spray now know that he was about to pepper spray them. So they threw a bunch of chairs at him. Zach goes into the freezer like, help me, help me. But then starts taking photos selfies. Like, I got hurt. He took selfies of himself. Like, just got attacked and pepper sprayed myself. It's like, he's the only person that we know that will take a selfie and post it after

completely embarrassing himself. There he is. Zach Bogus, everybody. Follow him. Zach Bogus. Z-A-C-B-O-G-U-S. He's a real part of the family here. We like, because we like helping mentally challenged people here at Kill Tony.

David Deere on call, please. There you go. We pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Ben Howard, everyone. Your next comedian's Ben Howard. Let's see how this goes. This is Kill Tony Live in Austin, Texas. He's moving smoothly along.

Here he comes. Already looking cool. One more time for Ben Howard, everybody. Vulcan Gas Company, what's up? It is good to be here. I was getting coffee yesterday. I heard a guy in line talking to his buddy about how shitty his handwriting was, which I started to realize you kind of hear a lot.

You're people kind of low-key brag about how shitty their handwriting is all the time. Just like, oh, the written word. That thing that's at the very foundation of all human communication. I suck at it. It's no big deal. And it made me wonder, do you guys think that we're the only language that has bad handwriting? Or do you think there's, like, a few Chinese people that suck at, like, the symbols?

He's like a school teacher in Shanghai. She's like, Ping, I can't even read this. What is this? Japanese? Try it again! I don't think there is, because every piece of Chinese writing I've ever seen looks like it belongs in a fine arts museum behind three inches of bulletproof glass.

I swear to God. Ben Howard, everybody. Making fun of Chinese people. We do not believe in that on this show. Not cool, dude. Not cool. Not cool at all. No, I took a risk. I took a risk. I don't know if you've heard about the legend of Pang Dang, but, uh...

Now, if there's one thing that Pang Dang taught us all, it's that this show is death-proof. That's one of my best films. It's one of your what? One of my best films. It really is. I love that one. It's actually one of my favorites. It took me two years to write. Thank you, Quentin.

That is so cool to find that out. I love what you did with that. Welcome, Ben. Were you on last week? I was. Congratulations. Proof that the show is just as random as it gets. How has your life changed since your appearance on Kill Tony last week? I got laid.

Whoa, look at that. It hasn't even... It hasn't even aired yet. That's how powerful the show is. You can get laid from getting your name pulled out of a bucket. Absolutely incredible. How? From an audience member or a comic? No, my set wasn't that good. No, by the girl I was talking to. Oh, that's right. We found out about this girl you were talking to.

Did you tell her that we interviewed about... Yes. And then she's sort of like, fuck, I have to give it up. She had already given it up. We were fucking. I don't know why I said we're talking. I thought she'd watch it and I'd be like, yeah, no, I'm dating this girl and she's like, we didn't say dating.

I didn't want to throw labels on a fucking national font. Christ, what an answer, bro. I know, dude. I'm sorry. I was going to fuck you, but now I don't want to anymore. I knew it. Ben, what else? What did we not find out about you? Did you think about that interview last week

or did you think about some stuff that we could have talked about? I just... Dude, it was a fucking blur, man. I was nervous as shit. I made the mistake of looking Ron White in the eyes. Yeah, you don't do that, dude. Bad move. Right. Yeah. You have any questions for Quentin Tarantino?

Dude, first of all, don't look me in the fucking eyes either. Yeah, thank you. My God. Ben, do you have any special skills or talents? Are you good at anything at all? Yeah. I mean, besides killing at stand-up... Um... I do...

This guy's cracking up at that joke. I want to throw an axe at your skull right now. Just to let you know where I stand on people that laugh that hard at dumb shit. Just... Go ahead. Tell us what you're good at, Ben. Um... I do voices accents.

Oh, great. Let's hear some voices. What kind of voices do you do? This is not the direction I wanted to go. Ben, shut the fuck up, dude. This is not the direction. This guy's telling me what direction we're going to go in. You're the only other thing I'm going to go in. You're a fucking... You're a tourist on a boat.

I'm the captain here, all right? Right? I'm the captain now? Yeah, that's one of my best films, actually. All right. What kind of voices do you do? I do a spattering of impressions. Like what? Explain to me what the fuck a spattering is.

What's your best one? I don't know what my best one is. I don't know what my best one is. How about your worst one, you motherfucker? You're on a show right now with an audience in front of you. What types of voices do you do? Like Cleveland from Family Guys Laugh. All right, let's hear it.

All right, what's another... That's good. You see? See what having talents gets you? Ben, what else? What other voices do you do? Come on. No, I just... I do accents. I do a lot of accents and shit. What kind of accents do you do? Different variations of British. They're different than Northern to...

I can do Australian and New Zealand. All right, let me hear your Australian. Well, Australian's basically just kind of like a slang breed. Okay, well, what's New Zealand? New Zealand, the accent becomes a bit shoppin', will pinch things like yeast. Jesus, I hate you. Fuckin' self right now, dude.

The rare... I mean, I hate a lot of people, but it's very rare that I mention it. I don't do that shit in my acts. Why did you bring it up if you don't want to do any of this shit? I asked you what you're good at. You're like, I do a spattering of voices. It's a real spattering on it. Because in that moment, I could not think of anything else I was good at,

and it made me sad a little bit. How about the rest of your life? When you were younger, were you good at anything? You used to be a billiard player or something like that. A billiard player? I played pool, not younger. I played pool every day for a few years at a pool hall in Phoenix where I grew up.

How many of you want to slit this guy's throat right now? All right. Ben, you got on last week. We're going to do an extra quick interview with you. There he goes, Ben Howard, everybody. There he goes. We're going to keep it moving along. We're going to keep it moving along here tonight. Once I hate you, that's it.

Yeah. All right. This looks like a brand new name. I'm excited about this. Make some noise for Christian Copeland, everyone. Let's see what happens here. By the way, if you sign up for this show, maybe think of a couple of things to talk about

before you get on stage, right? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Come on. Here he is. One more time for Christian Copeland, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. I just moved to Austin, just moved to Austin. I did not move by myself. I actually moved with my best friend and his boyfriend.

So I split an apartment with two gay guys, no homeowner. I realized that Austin's a pretty political place. I'm not a very political guy. Last thing I heard was that we don't have to wear a mask anymore. I think it's going to be interesting in schools, because like, I know my little brother's in high school and he said that all the COVID cases are spiking, because none of the kids are wearing masks.

He also said that they don't have a school bail today anymore. They just fire off a cannon and tell you how many kids died, like in the Hunger Games. What else, you guys? I'm a big hockey fan. I like hockey. Hockey's my favorite sport for one reason and one reason only. And that's because if you lose in hockey,

you're still ice skating. Like, it's not that bad. It's still a pretty good time. Like, it's hard to be sad and also be ice skating. I dare you to try it. Alright, thank you guys very much. Fuck yeah, Christian Copeland.

Welcome, welcome, sir. Awesome. That was great. You just moved here to Austin, Texas. How recent was that? About a month. Where'd you move from? Small town about four hours away.

It's close to Beaumont, Texas. That's the closest, like, big city. Yeah, I know what the fuck's up, you fucking Texans. But it was three hours away. It was closer to Louisiana. Oh, okay, that way. Oh, Louisiana, where are some of my friends from the Nether hour? The Bayou Bay.

Alright, so what was the place where you grew up in? It's called Lumberton. Lumberton, okay, what was that like? It was white. Fairly white. It sounds like heaven to me. It's hard to believe looking at me, but... Okay, so it's white? What else?

A lot of poor white people. Yeah, what did your parents do for work? My mom was a lab tech, so she worked in a nurse's office in Beaumont, and then my dad worked for the city of Lumberton. Lumberton Municipal Utility District. Wow, incredible. They have, like, a thick country accent on them?

Cajun accent, my grandparents. My parents don't really have much of an accent, but my grandparents have a Cajun accent. Mostly everybody in that area is kind of influenced by Louisiana. Were you ridiculed a lot because they were all white people and you're the only redhead? Yeah, dude, I really was. I really was. I was the only redhead.

I have a twin brother, too, who looks nothing like me. Well, I don't know if you know this, but Quentin Tarantino also has red hair. Quentin Tarantino, yeah. William looks like my reflection in a spoon. Very good. Very good, Kristen Copeland. That's very good.

Very good. That is absolutely right. The fuck does that mean? The fuck does that mean? The fuck does that mean? I don't even get that. I don't even get it. Stop acting like you don't use spoons quite frequently, okay?

Jesus Christ. You don't need a spoon when you have a trough, right, William? Jesus Christ. Oh, I didn't realize if that was like a heroin joke or just eating too much joke. No, it's a reflection joke. It's a reflection because you're wider and not as pretty.

You're beautiful. Okay, I get it now. So, Kristen, you've lived here a month. What are your favorite things about Austin, Texas? That I can get up and do stand-up every night, to be honest with you. I haven't done anything else other than stand-up since I've been here. You just started stand-up a month ago?

For a while, I was driving to Houston to do stand-up, so I would only do about once a week to drive two hours to Houston. Where in Houston? I was at a bar called Darwin's. No one gives a shit where in Houston you were doing open mics. No, just not many comedy clubs in Houston.

Right, I know. I never got up at the improv, so I'm just doing local shows at bars and stuff. How about for fun? No one cares about where the fuck you were performing in Houston. For fun? What did you do for fun in Lumberton your whole life? I grew up playing sports.

What kind of sports? Mainly soccer and basketball. Do you play soccer there? Are there Mexicans there? No, but... You just played soccer with other white people? You must have been a dominant force. The girls and guys were on the same team, so...

Wow. Any other special skills or talents that you have? You seem like you know how to play an instrument or sing or something like that, right? Let's say none that I want you to make me do on stage right now. Yeah, you'd hate it if the crowd went wild and was entertained by this interview. I do.

I play guitar. I dance growing up. Wait a second. What kind of dance do you do? Yeah. Yeah. You're goddamn motherfucking right. This is what you people pay $30 a ticket for at moments like this.

It's like a sub-genre of hip-hop called animation. It's like waving and popping and stuff like that. Wait, so what kind of music? What would be a perfect song for you to dance to if you could have any song in the world? No songs. I will do one small wave right now, but that's about all I'm doing.

Well, we'll see exactly how much you're going to do. But sure. What type of music would be the best song to dance to? We're not going to have you silently dance up here. Like dubstep, I guess. What? Like dubstep. Like a specific song. Dude, I don't even listen to that.

Dubstep? One, two, one, two, three. Oh, shit. The NOPA goes down. Oh, shit. Oh, you better fucking do it, dude. Wow.

My God. That is literally the whitest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Why would you say you'd dance to that? Anyone in this audience could do the exact same shit. Red Band, you do it, dude. Come on.

Here we go. Who wants to split his throat right now? That was the whitest shit I've ever seen in my life. That was absolutely incredible. What happened? We just lost all audio now. This is what happens if Red Band gets out of his seat during the show.

The entire show just fails. You know, I'm like so squished in here, man. I'm like on the edge of the thing. So I stood up like everything. Scoot over this way a little bit. The last thing we want is fucking Humpty Dumpty to have a great party. Hey!

I know what you would do to my crack if I fell. You shoe-horning gay jokes on me is my new favorite thing. Hey, David's not here this week. Oh, my God. Easy. Oh, my God.

I love it. There's a real freak out there in Lumberton dancing like that. What the hell's that fucking devil dance that guy's doing over there? I was, man. I grew up in a small town going to church every Sunday. My goodness.

Wow. Christian, amazing. Welcome to Austin, Texas, an incredible set. Thanks for dancing for us. Christian Copeland, everybody. Hey, Christian. You get a big joke book, my friend. Hi, B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E.

Yeah. Back to the bucket we go. Let's see what happens here. All right. Another Ben. The people said there's not enough Ben's on this show. Make some noise for Ben Horne, everyone.

Ben Horne is next on Kill Tony. Austin, Texas. Is this him? Confident Walk? Here he comes. Oh, yeah. Ben's been on this show before.

Here he is. One more time for Ben Horne, everybody. So, my roommate says he won't do anal sex. Won't do it. You know why? Because he says it's gay. Yeah. He said, if you'll fuck a girl in the ass,

then you would fuck a guy in the ass. And with that, I say this. The only thing gayer than fucking a girl in the ass, ladies and gentlemen, is not fucking a girl in the ass. Okay? Let me tell you something.

If she gives you the thumbs up on the dump truck, you butt fuck till the sun's up. Otherwise, you're gay. Otherwise, you're gay. All right, I'm Ben Horne. Thanks. All right, there you go. Ben Horne telling us who's gay

and what's not gay, even though he looks like the cop from The Village People. Perfect. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. Absolutely powerful mustache. So you have anal sex with girls. Is that correct? Do you eat ass, too? With a mustache like that, I'd imagine your face smells like a toilet. It chafes assholes, for sure.

There you go. Red Band. My God. That is incredible, Ben. How long have you been on stand-up? Two years. Austin? I've traveled around a little bit.

You've been on this show before. Remind us, what do you do for work? I work at H-E-B. Oh, fuck, yeah. Some angry Trader Joe's people here. Not clapping. Don't tell them my butt fuck jokes, please. Right.

Hell, yeah. Last thing you want them knowing is that you're fucking. I think last time I was here, we had also talked about working at H-E-B and then I made a bunch of cocaine jokes. And I had to talk to one of my cool bosses and I was like, if somebody gets mad about this,

am I going to be all right? He was like, yeah, don't worry about it. You'll be fine. It's out of your system in three days. So I was like, cool, I'll see you later. Right. Speaking of cocaine, our friend goes to the bathroom here every five and a half minutes. This guy?

Either he's doing blow tonight or someone went deep at Matt's L Rancho I don't know which one's which. He just has a urinary tract infection. I've got cash, if that's, you know. There you go. If you're a little bit messy back there, this guy will eat your ass for free

and clean it up. Oh my God. Such a random sound effect for that moment. Jesus. So Ben, you've been on this show a couple times. But it's been a while. All those shows were at, what's that completely empty, silent, non-open place on Mondays?

What's that called again? I don't know. I will say I like this place a lot better. It's a much bigger and better crowd. Absolutely. This is fucking awesome. Absolutely. That place is so empty.

It's like a Pang Dang show in there right now. Yikes. Absolutely incredible. So Ben, how's your life changed since you've been on Kill Tony? Tell us what life's been like the past couple months for you. Yeah, it's been good. Finally moved down to East Riverside.

So I'm finally living down here now, which is great. I live in an apartment that's like... You're talking about the street East Riverside? Right, yeah. So I'm finally close. I was living out in Cedar Park for the past year. COVID hit me in Sheedy. It's dog shit.

But I just transferred to it. I just transferred to the HEB down here and it's fucking great. Wow, you're on the one on Riverside? Yeah. Okay, absolutely. Out in the suburbs, nothing ever happens. But man, living down here,

shit happens at that store every day. It makes my job fucking awesome. Like what? Man, there was this girl like two days ago. She probably was like 11 years old, but she was throwing the biggest temper tantrum I'd ever seen. She was chucking cases of soda at people

and like speared a fucking case of Captain Crunch off the shelf. And I was like, oh my god, that's what I want to do every day that I come to work. That's fucking... She had zero consequences. 11 years old, huh? I don't know, around there, she was like that big.

That seems a little bit bigger than 11. Is that big? I don't fucking hang around kids. I don't goddamn know. So closer to a grown ass woman right there. That was almost year high. She looked 11. This isn't the girl that the anal sex happened with though, right?

God bless her. God bless her, she held her ground. But no. There you go. Yeah, school started. I love it. Ben, what else has been going on? You're working at HEB, what have you been doing for fun? Been going out at night?

Mustache like that seems like you know how to have a good fucking time, right? I do, yeah. I have fun. I've been trying to date again. I haven't dated in a while. I had a date last night that was fucking atrocious. Yeah, how bad was it? Tell us about it. How did it start? How did you meet this girl? I met her on like hinge or bumble or something like that.

So we went to go see a movie and it was like one of those theaters where they have like the huge reclining chairs and shit and she like cuddled up to me and like put her head on my shoulder so I like put my hand on her lap where we got to eat afterwards and she's like just so you know, putting your hand on my lap

that's sexual assault. Jesus Christ lady. Wait a second. Hold on, stop, relax Ben, hold on a second hold on because that might be I think a lot of guys in the room know where I'm going with this. I think she's saying that sexual assault to get you to be like

oh yeah, I'll show you sexual assault. Yeah. Right? Don't they sort of do that on dates girls? I don't think so too. I don't ever go on normal human dates. I mean what? I don't think that's like some hot shit girls like woke girls say.

But if she put her head on your shoulder first then she started it dude. If a girl puts her head on my shoulder that means you get at least three fingers coming your way, you know what I mean? That's just like that's basically like I'll go to third base with you

that's what that means. Yeah, it was weird and then at one point we were talking and like she was already just annoying the fuck out of me to be honest and like and then one point she's asking her what other stuff she did and she's like I'm a medium and I was like I'm what? A psychic medium?

I thought you were talking about her size. No, no, no. I'm like why is she talking about a buy your t-shirt at the gift shop or something? She's like a psychic medium. Like she can talk to people that are dead or something.

When she said that sexual assault what did you say back and what did she say back? I just shrugged it off. I wasn't even sure how to fuck it. I just shrugged it inside of her. I didn't know what to say. I was just kind of let's move on from this

before I get even more annoyed. We had ordered food and it hadn't even come yet. We went to 24 Diner. What movie? Some real fans of 24 Diner. So I was like I'm not leaving before I eat.

What movie did you guys see? Quiet Place 2. We're both big horror movie fans so I'm like alright this will be sounds like a horror. So then what happened? You guys ordered food and then what? She told me she was a medium

and I was like alright. A vegan medium. I'm like this is getting worse and worse. Kick this bitch in the chest and run for your life. Go ahead. I got to just get through this so I'm trying to be somewhat pleasant

and I'm like alright how do you know you're a medium or something like that? I've done it, I just know I could and I'm like holy fuck. Like yeah I'm a shortstop for the Chicago Cubs. I've never done it but I feel like I could.

So then what happened? How did this thing end? Were you driving her around? So I drove her to the diner from the movie theater and then she smelt a bunch of it. You have a motorcycle, you have a mustache like you have a motorcycle.

Hell yeah. But yeah we finished dinner she smoked a bunch of weed in my Jeep on the way back and then I dropped her off. I was like alright, good talking to ya. And I was like text me when you get home cause I'm just like, I don't know,

that's just like politeness. You dropped her off and then said text me when you get home? I dropped her off at her car. I was like alright just let me know you got home safe or whatever. And I was like please don't fucking call the police.

But then that was it. She texted me in the morning and was like oh I had so much fun and I was like yeah that was cool. I don't know. The whole thing was the second she started talking it was kind of obnoxious.

She would do this weird thing where she would express emotions and thoughts through facial expressions. She was talking about a date she went on and she was like I don't know. I was just there and he was like and I'm like what are you talking about? It was fucking obnoxious.

I hated everything that came out of her mouth but I'm hungry so I have to stick it out. Was she hot? She was so hot. Can you show us a picture of me and Tony and William or Quinton? My phone's locked up.

You're saying that she was hot? She was very good looking. She gives us the name and then we bleep it out during the actual episode. Is that possible? Instagram or anything? I do but I'm not going to do that. Not for the cameras or anything like that.

Yeah fuck it I'll do that. Just type it in. Type it in. Let's see. On a scale from 1 to 10. I'm guessing she's like pretty hot but she's got a weird chin.

I bet she has a weak chin. People are guessing what she's going to be. No. What the fuck is wrong with you dude? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh no dude.

She's like cross-eyed. Medium. She seems more like a large to me. Oh. Oh her butt's out in that one. Wash. One of her photos is her naked yelling at a dog in the snow.

Yeah. But it's not a reservoir dog. It's one of my... Everyone we got to hear what Mr. Orange is saying. Yeah it was one of my favorite movies. We made it in Sacramento. It took us three years.

Really exciting stuff. We shot most of it in a warehouse. That's true. That's absolutely true. Alright Ben, well I mean did you at least get a kiss from this girl? Yeah. That's good. There you go.

Well it was a total waste. I got to see a movie I wanted to see and then have food but I'm not talking to her after this. I'm going to send her the link to this for sure. Alright well there he goes Ben Horn everybody. Ben have you gotten a joke book from us before?

Ben? You ever get a joke book on the show? Look at that. A big fancy leather Kill Tony joke book. Fill it up with your best material ever. Follow Ben at The Ben Horn. Yeah. Let's do a special treat.

You guys want another special treat? Well David Lucas is out of town but we do have a very special arrival from Canada all the way from Calgary Canada. This guy became Kill Tony famous

on the show a long time ago and he is back. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful Sam Walker everybody. Here he is everyone. Make some noise for Sam Walker. All right. Beastiality was legalized in Canada from 2016

to 2019. The three greatest years of my life. It was legal but it wasn't 100% legal. See it broke down like this. You can get a jar of peanut butter and well that was the long weekend daddy. But there are rules such as no penetration.

Scouts honor your honor. It's a C&I dog, not a telling secrets eye dog. By round of applause has anybody ever made love to a horse? I knew Texas was my people. Fuck yeah Sam Walker doing it.

Living the dream. Up here. Fucking animals. I love it. Welcome back to the show Sam. You're a legend from Canada. We love you here on this show. You're wearing a championship belt.

You are the defending champion of the West Coast of Canada Rose Battle. That's a very specific belt yet nonetheless. If you're wondering who the current West Coast of Canada Rose Battle champion is he's right fucking in front of you.

This is what you pay $30 a ticket for people. Moments like this right here. Sam welcome. How's life going? How's the West Coast of Canada? I'm a five time champion. You don't become Ric Flair by hanging on to the title.

You beat all five of the Rose Battlers in West Coast Canada? I've lost the title five times. Wow. I love that. Five time champion. I love it. You've been performing in Canada. What's it like up there right now?

Fucking disgusting. You people would not believe it. It is a desolate wasteland. What I do right now is illegal. I tell outlawed jokes on outlawed mics. In Canada.

Because it's so locked up. You have to like do illegal mics just to do comedy out there. Yeah man. Wow. Performing in front of a bunch of snowmen. You're in Calgary right? The tundra. Yeah. I travel around though. And I've been doing a lot of bachelor parties

and birthdays and private shows at Speakeasy's. You get around a lot. You do a lot of hitchhiking. No way daddy. I'm a fucking road warrior. Hell yeah. William what do you think? I'm just so curious. Are you being serious or is this a character?

I'm trying to figure this one out. William maybe not met. Is this real? No. We've never met. I can't tell. I hope it's real. I just can't tell. It's ridiculous. Doesn't look like a character.

He's not smiling. Look at him. Is he going to roast me now? He's going to roast me now William. What would you say to William if you were going to roast him? Well what I'd say is William takes horrible care of himself. Yeah.

That was a little on the nose. Do we have another championship belt we can give this man right now? Does anybody have an extra championship belt? William do you have a response to this roast that you did? William William try to get him back. Sorry I wasn't finished.

Wow that was great. You could tell that he doesn't take care of himself by looking at his fingernails. There's enough DNA under there to clone a junior high school. Oh my goodness. I don't understand that. What does that mean?

What does that mean? It means you're a dirty little boy. What's under my fingernails? William get him back. A non-roast champion. This is a guy that famously has never roasted anything other than his breakfast potatoes.

William Montgomery is going to roast Sam Walker back. You look like a painter that just got laid off. Oh shit. I like this. This is more fun than me and David Lucas talking about.

It's adorable. It's like junior varsity roast battle. Whatever they're paying me, it fucking got me here. Yeah absolutely. 100% I fucking love it. What else has been going on Sam Walker? Anything else interesting in your life?

How you been passing the time up in closed ass Canada? A lot of you might not know Canada has become extremely liberal. And they are handling this It's beyond recognition. Shockingly, shockingly poorly. According to, before I get

to the internet, according to all my Canadian friends. I have to say that part or else the internet will go crazy. We have the best. You're an idiot for moving to Texas. We are being led by a part time drama teacher who likes to play Mr. Dress Up.

And he has enacted laws that passed in the dead of night at 1.30 a.m. by phone boat by our parliament to stifle free speech and criminalize thoughts and social media posts. Wow.

He's trying to fuck up free speech? Yeah. Wow what a cunt. See I can say that but if you said that you'd get in trouble when you went back home you'd be grounded dude. Which by the way you're gonna be anyway because they make you self

isolate for two weeks when you go back to Canada right? You're literally not allowed to do anything. Is that correct? We'll fucking see about that. But don't they make you go to a hotel room or something like that? Like with plastic all over the hotel? Yeah they do. They literally do. One thing about this world Tony

is you need to know your rights and what they've done up there are mandates. I follow laws, not rules. I love going on mandates. I don't know what the problem is with mandates. See I got myself with a good gay joke there. Sometimes you have to blow up the building

yourself like 9-11 you know what I mean? Sometimes you just do an inside job. Sometimes you just gotta press the button you know what I'm talking about? Well I'm really happy to be here and this is an honor to be the third time on your stage but they almost didn't let me down here. Really? Canada didn't?

Or America? When I went through American customs in Canada. Oh yeah those guys are tough. They held me for more than an hour in secondary. Oh my goodness. Yeah and they went through each and every article in my bags. Wow.

You were there a long time like from Dust Till Dawn. I was there for probably It is one of my only horror movies. It features a bunch of vampires. You were just in it. It was a Robert Rodriguez movie. But yeah I told them I told them that I'm a huge

comedy fan and I was fucking coming to Texas to see this fucking show. You're goddamn right. Absolutely. Okay. Thank you Red Band for misplaced pistol shots. Alright Sam. Well

another unbelievably great performance for you. I absolutely love this character Well I mean just what you do. I wouldn't even call it a character. Calling you a character is like calling William a character or calling David Lucas a character. It's definitely a huge part of who you are

to the point to where it sort of scares me. Then I'm doing my job. Absolutely fucking Lutely. You're just as much of a character as the great Andrew Dice Clay or Cat Williams or anybody's a character and we appreciate the hell out of you. I know it's really tough up there in Canada

and that they're being really hard on artists and really anybody that wants to do anything so we're so happy that you were able to make it down. I mean he was up in the green room for a second earlier and he's like I haven't been in a room with people like this without masks on in forever. I mean this is like a year and a half.

Wow. And you could see Sam Thursday on the The Secret Show man. He's fucking hilarious man. Sam Walker down here in America the greatest country in the fucking world living his dreams in the United States of America

baby. The home of the First Amendment and the great President Donald Trump. And some I assume are good people. We're having fun here tonight. This is very exciting.

We pulled an amazing amazing talent out of this bucket. One of our favorite people to ever be on this show. A comic from New York City that moved here recently. Make some noise for the great Leonarda Joni everyone. This is a cold-blooded assassin.

Oh shit. Look at this guy. There he goes. Come on people make some fucking noise for Leonarda Joni. What's up guys? So as you guys know I'm from New York. New York got fucking

crazy during the lockdown dude. I was not prepared because I grew up in 90s New York where you didn't look at somebody because they would just fucking stab you. And sometimes that person was your uncle. So I'm outside

during the lockdown. I'm not wearing a mask and this woman sees me from across the street and she starts yelling put a mask on. So she's pushing a baby carriage I'm like this bitch ain't gonna do shit. So I said make me.

She leaves the baby and she gets in my face and starts yelling in my face. So I shot her. And then I took the baby and I'm raising it as my own.

Alright? And every day I show that baby a picture of its cut mother and I'm like this bitch try to take you from me but I defended you with my life. Leonarda Joni everyone. Cold blooded assassin and always an amazing performance on the show.

How's life been going Leonarda? Well it's better without people yelling at me over here. Yeah. Absolutely right? Yeah. So you've been performing a lot in town you just moved here recently to Austin from New York. Yeah I'm getting booked a lot here. It's really nice.

It's like really great. Yeah. Definitely. You are incredibly funny. What are you doing with this baby that you have now? I'm trying to die like half black so me and my boyfriend could pretend it's ours. Oh half black. Half black so you mean sort of like a shade of like Jackie Brown?

That was probably my hardest movie to make. Yeah that probably was. Robert De Niro is really hard to work with. Quinton I can't believe you're breaking this news on this show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was really hard to work with Robert De Niro and Jackie Brown.

He was really difficult to work with. All right well that's fun. I love how William has seen zero Quinton Territories. Yeah exactly. So Leonardo what have you been doing lately? What's been going on? Tell us something good

that we haven't talked about with you before. I met your band yesterday. Oh yeah? We had a good time. We did a little improv. You did a show here at the Vulcan Hell yeah. It was your other dude's show David Lucas. David Lucas absolutely. So that was fun. These guys were fun. David Lucas

slept through his flight today for those of you that wonder what it's like having sleep apnea. That's what it's like. By the way everyone tagged David Lucas and go man Quentin Tarantino is there tonight giving out fucking roles. Yeah we're still

messing with David Lucas. He doesn't know because this episode doesn't come out for two weeks but we're gonna mess with him real good and tell him make sure you tag him and go I can't believe you missed the episode because we're gonna photoshop a picture of Quentin Tarantino or William and say that he hired William for

the next role for a movie or something like that. William's gonna play a slave in the Django Unchained Part 2. Oh my goodness. So Leonardo what else is going on in life? What haven't we talked about with you before? Always fun.

I'm trying to fucking move. It's really hard to move here. Where are you moving to? Out of Flugerville. Sorry. What? Why would you leave out of Flugerville? You don't like it? Because it's desolate dude. I feel like I'm gonna get fucking stabbed. Red Band likes it like that.

He loves living in suburban every now and now. It's peaceful there. He must live in the bad part of Flugerville like the southern part. There's the bad part of Flugerville man. There's the south part where it's bad. Maybe that's where I live. Because I'm like what is this?

You've always been a little bit more of a suburb guy. When we were in LA and all of us were in West Hollywood you were in Burbank. It seems so long ago. Man once upon a time in Hollywood I'm telling you. That was my newest

film. It's a pretty long one. It's almost three hours long. Fuck yeah. That's so fun. Leonardo where are you looking to move to? Somewhere like East Riverside or something like that? I don't even know where that is.

I know nothing about this. I know me neither. I don't know either. I know absolutely nothing. I keep trying to find Harlem in Austin. Oh yeah. If you make a hard left right around this corner

I believe that alleyway right there is as close to Harlem as it'll be. Have you ever thought about that apartment behind the creek in the cave? It's really nice. That's East Harlem. That's like Crackhead Alley. That's not where I lived. I lived in Nice Harlem.

That's right. And you have a black boyfriend to defend you in Harlem, right? No, that's true. She actually does. She has a cool black boyfriend. He is a great photographer. One of the good ones. Just kidding, guys. He meant photographer.

D-Madness is laughing. That means you white people should be laughing. You understand? If John D's and D-Madness are laughing that means it's all good. Maybe they're laughing because they're nervous. Yeah, they're so nervous. Yeah, they're so nervous.

Me. So, Leonardo. So much fun. You've been performing. I've been going poorly for you on stage. Even I, me, with 14 years of experience and paid regular at the comedy store for 10 years even I got into a little bit of trouble

a couple months ago here. I can't believe it. In Austin, Texas. Have you had any of these wild liberals snap back at you here? I had to do a performance for a bunch of rich liberals which was the worst. Oh, God. The worst.

I just pointed out that there was a black girl in the audience. Oh, no. And it was over. So they refused to laugh at anything. So at the end of it, I go, you know what, I actually feel sorry for you guys. Because I only had to spend 15 minutes with you.

But you've got to spend the rest of your lives with yourselves. I love that. And then I just said, fuck you. I love that. I love that. Trust me. I've had days at the office just like that. Absolutely. That shit happens. There is nothing worse

than this new plethora of woke audiences that have been happening. I don't know how this all started, but I know someone who never has to deal with a woke audience, a guy with his own fan base. I've been watching you for the last couple of weeks.

Thank you, Mr. President. It took you a while to respond there. Leonardo, so much fun. You're so fucking funny. Have I given you a Kill Tony joke book before? Yes. Yes. Thank you. There you go. You're all good. You're an absolute killer. Please keep signing up

and debuting Minutes on this show. Follow her on social media at Leonardoisfunny. All one word. L-E-O-N-A-R-D-A is funny. Speaking of one of the most lucky people to be on stage, she was called last week. She wasn't even here.

And she's been on, like, a lot. Really? Yeah. Okay. This is our fourth time. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, you're not gonna believe this. Every once in a while you strike gold pulling names out of a random bucket. You know this guy,

even though we don't know this guy. Make some noise for Riley Gilmore, everybody. Holy shit. Holy shit. We're gonna see who is living with Hans Kim right now. Make some noise for Riley Gilmore.

Thank you. Um, so, uh, thank you so much. Sorry, I look like a racist middle schooler. Um, I saw a camel the other day. The first thing I did was look at its toe. Not really my thing.

Um, people like, camel toes so hot, you gotta see camel toes. It's disgusting, okay? It's covered in shit. I didn't even feel that good. Um, you guys can do whatever you want. Uh, I got into a fight with a guy in a wheelchair

the other day. He pointed to his pistol, he said, I wouldn't mess with me, boy, I'm armed. I was like, okay, well, I'm legged. Um, it was a rough day at Arby's. Let's just... Uh,

I don't get people into astrology. It's just, like, they'll act all accepting, like, hey, I don't care what race or gender you are, but, uh, if you're born in December, fuck you. Um, it's just discriminating in a different way. What is this, Brown versus Borda Baristas? Um,

um... All right, thank you. Appreciate it. Fuck yeah, Riley Gilmore. Onnings. Welcome back to the show. You've been on before as well, right? Yes, yes, sir. People here in Austin get so lucky. They get pulled out of the bucket multiple times.

Absolutely incredible. Welcome back, Riley. Thank you. I feel like this is your best set ever on the show, right? Uh, thank you, yeah, sure. Yeah, I'll take it, yeah. Okay, there you go, definitely. Riley, you've been on before. What have we talked about? Remind us of the highlights of your interviews of the past. Um, so various intimacy issues.

Like what? Coming, I have a problem with coming. Yeah, he doesn't come during sex. He's going to jerk off separately to come. And you can't even do that in front of a girl, right? I know, I know. It's, uh...

more of a machine than man. Um... Hell yeah. I don't know. Uh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a thing. You know, I own it. It's mine. Whatever.

Have you been, have you had sexual relations with a girl lately? Since the last time you were on? Uh, virtually, yeah. Um... What's virtually mean? Uh, do you know porn? Oh, wow. See, you're just doing it online.

So if you... At least you can jerk off there and it makes more sense. Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like, you know... The live jerk-off sessions that you've been doing with girls. Uh, it's, uh, 4.95 on Wednesdays. Um... Wow.

No, yeah. I, uh... No, not recently, you know. I've been taking a breather. Um... Jesus Christ. My God. So you've only been hanging out with girls virtually? Uh, not necessarily.

I have some friends who are girls and they, you know... How about for fun? What do you do for fun? Um, I like to, you know, kind of just walk around and then, um, look at people. They're just very exciting. Uh, like, what do you do today?

Like, you woke up today and what do you do? Yeah, today I just got a job at Juice Land. Whoa! Pure... Juice Land. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, Red Band, my God.

For a guy that's never drank juice before in his life, you're already excited. He thinks he got Juice Land and Dairy Queen confused. He's just hitting every button on his soundboard. What are you doing? What do you think a strawberry milkshake is? Come on. It's not juice, Red Band.

They don't have that at Juice Land. You fucking monstrosity. Juice Land. Red Band's like, eww, gross. I love it. How long have you been working there? Like a week. Oh, shit.

I know, I'm the new guy. He's like, I don't really... Wow. Can you tell us something about Hans Kim? You live with him. There has to be a couple secrets that we don't know about. He doesn't want us to know. What's up with Hans Kim?

He makes a lot of ribs. He makes a lot of ribs. Like in the kitchen? Short ribs? I mean, they're like this size. Wow. I don't know. I don't really...

I don't really rib guy. How often does he make these giant ribs? Like, pretty much every day. Oh, my God, really? I know, he loves it. He loves it. Wow. Does he share them with you guys? I've had a bite. It's a little, like, mushy, wet.

But he likes it that way. I don't know. Right. We know when you get around things that are mushy and wet, you go soft real quick. Does he have kimchi at your house? Does it stick up your house? Yes, he does, yes. I mean, he gets really, like,

sensitive about the smells. Like, he's just like, oh, I don't want to, like, smell. And I'm like, okay, but... Is he talking about the ribs or what? Yeah, like him and the ribs and just them combined and... Does he use the bathroom a lot?

Give us some real dirt on him. The fact that he makes giant ribs every day isn't really, like... Um, let's see. Tell us something weird. Does he, like, sleep standing on his head or anything like that? Is he, like... Yeah, he's always, like, typing really hard

and, like... He has this... He has, like, his mattress is, like, this thin. And then he sleeps on the floor and he has, like... He has, like, a phone, like, a GPS holder on, like, top of his bed, so he's just, like... Oh, that's so Asian.

No, he's got the Asian mattress. Like, that's, like, a real thing. When I first met him, he was sleeping no joke on a wooden board. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. What was he? What was he? What was he, trained how to live by pie-may?

He's killed Bill. Yeah, that's a movie called Kill Bill that I did. On a scale from one to ten, I give that joke a hateful eight. The episode's ending. I gotta start blasting through these. Come on.

That's a cowboy movie. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, wow, William. Look at the big brain on Brad. Oh, there you go. Absolutely. Very good. It's actually from Pulp Fiction. Definitely. Yeah, William looks like Django Unshaved.

Hey! Very good. Okay, that's the right sound effect for that moment. So much fun we're having here. Riley, what's something about you would be shocked to know that we haven't found out yet? It could be about your entire life. Okay, I'll just...

Both of my parents are therapists. I grew up in a Quaker church. How does that make you feel? Makes me feel like... I don't know, it's alright. It's whatever. I would always be like, stop doing therapy on me. It's just like trying to be a dad.

I don't know, it's a whole big thing. What else were you gonna say? Okay, I interrupted you there. Go ahead, go ahead. That's my mom's husband, Pat, with a sound effect from four years ago. It's so stupid. We're literally doing things

just to make ourselves laugh right now. That's good. What else were you gonna say? Both of your parents are therapists. What else were you gonna say to a Quaker? Quaker church? You know what? Is that for oatmeal? No, it's like omniscient.

It's like similar. Everyone sits in a room with silence and then kind of people just sit there and just absorb each other's liberalness. And then people like Quake at the end. What does that mean, Quake?

They're like, that's through the Word of God. It's just like... And it's like sometimes it's like, you know, I actually mean it feel like, praise to my son who's like going through our time. But sometimes it's just like, we're having a potluck at five.

It's like, you never know what they're gonna say. Right. But, yeah, they're weird people. Sounds like my birthday party's growing up. Well, Riley, another very fun appearance. Congratulations on everything. There he goes, Riley Gilmore, Riley GC.

You get a joke book yet, Riley? You got one? Wow, look at this. There's lucky fucks on this show. It just keeps happening. All right, let's see what happens next here. Okay, let's see what happens here. Gabriel Kerr, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna...

Get Gabriel Kerr up here. He's next. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like-o-ing comedians that I pull out of the bucket do good on this show? How many of you like-o-ing when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Wow.

Oh, shit. Look at this, motherfucker. Make some more noise for Gabriel Kerr, everybody. What's up? You guys might recognize me as Jason Momo's before picture. I don't like when that joke does well. I don't know if you guys remember this, but a few weeks ago,

there was a comic who got in trouble for using a racial slur on stage in town here. And they said he was a racist and that he was punching down at the other comic. I thought that was a weird double standard, right? Like, Tony's a racist

for using a racial slur, right? But it's totally okay for them to just assume that the Asian comic was shorter than Tony. Punching down? Tony's like 5'2". The only comic he could punch down at is Brad Williams.

And before anybody gets upset that I made a midget joke, mathematically, they're less than three-fifths as a person. So, according to the Constitution, they don't have any rights in this country. Gabriel Kerr.

Okay, thank you so much, Redman. Thank you. Over his minute. Thank you. I'm 5'9". But thank you so much. How tall are you, Gabriel? I'm 6'4". 6'4". So you do shorter than jokes a lot because that's your advantage over a lot of people

in your life? I do now, yeah. I love it. Okay, welcome to the show, Jason. The audience is furious. They're breaking glasses in the back. How long have you been doing stand-up, Gabriel? A year and a half. Sweet. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I started in California

and then they shut that motherfucker down. We're in California. San Jose. Okay, and you moved here? Yeah. How long ago? About two months. Sweet. Do you love it? Yeah, fuck yeah. What do you like about Austin, Texas? Being able to go places and do shit.

Yeah, what do you like to do here? It's nice. I've been doing 3, 4, 5 mics a night. It's amazing. You can go all over the place in the city. Hell yeah. Awesome. What do you do for fun?

Not much. I have two kids. Oh shit, really? I'm a stay-at-home dad. What does the wife do for work? She's an engineer for Google. Wow, look at that. That's what affords me being able to tell dick jokes for free. Damn. Look at that.

What a living. Hell yeah. She works at Google, huh? That's cool, so she brings home the bacon and clearly you eat it all. You should have her bring home some of that Google fiber so you could pass more of those meals through. Looks like I'm punching up now, motherfuckers! You son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you? It's another Kill Bill reference, for those of you who want it. Tricks are for kids. Gabriel, how old are your kids?

Four and one. Wow, they must be short as fuck. They're both about your height. You son of a bitch. You set yourself up for that. Gigantic children, man. I do, I do. Five-nine-one-year-old just fucking

Goo Goo Gaga! Give me your fucking breast milk, bitch! Gabriel, so what do you do at home with these kids? What do you do for fun? You smoke pot? Yeah, lots. See, that's how I imagine being a stay-at-home dad would be. You just fucking sneak and weed

the whole time. I got a shed in the back, I sneak into that 15. You really have a shed? You live in Flugerville too? I don't. Sheds in Flugerville? No, man.

They're called podcast studios. Oh my god. Oh my god. I should do that with my shed. Yeah, absolutely. It's great that RedBank can shed new light on what to do with your shed. So Gabriel, you have kids.

You live in sex with your wife? Yes. Okay, how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? How do you do that? Because her pussy must be a little bit different than it was five years ago. She's had two kids. So what's it like?

She's gonna fucking kill me if I say this on your show. That means you should say that. We got a girlfriend. What? We got a girlfriend. Oh shit, look at you! This just got... Yeah, the dolphin's out.

Shit just got exciting. My goodness, how long have you been bringing a girlfriend into the mix? About a month. That's awesome, man. White girl, Asian girl? She's Venezuelan. Oh shit.

Hi, Poppy. She's right there in the audience. Oh wow, there she is. Look at that. Well, that's exciting. Where'd you find this girl at? They're apps for these things. Wow, there's fucking three some apps out there now?

Yeah. Oh, you know about that? The Build-A-Bear app. I thought I recognized you. Is this the Venezuelan girlfriend? Hey, stop it! Alright, red bands wasted everybody. Do you use the Aquaman thing though a lot?

You really do look like the... Yeah, so I didn't get that until I moved here, actually. Yeah, you look like Jason Mumoa. You should try that sometime. You should try that one. I'm giving that to you. Thank you, I appreciate that.

A gift from me. That's fun. So you were only able to do it like what, a month or two in San Jose? That was about three months, yeah. And what do you miss about San Jose? That's sort of a wild place. Yeah, I like this.

It was kind of in the middle. You could go to Oakland and San Francisco and Santa Cruz beaches and shit. Wait a second. He has a second girlfriend. We got to talk about, does your girl fuck the other girl more than you? Or do you fuck the girl

and she gets your wife? Okay, let him answer the question, red band. Just don't paint your own picture. Do you sometimes rub her feet and then the other girl walks in and is like, what are you doing? All right, enough with the dolphin. My God, dude.

What the fuck? Yeah, there's dolphins sometimes. But seriously, what's the layout? What was the first time like? It was the first time with a girl for either one of them. So it's been a lot of me

leading the way. You seem like a good guy who teaches people how to eat out. Yeah, yeah. Or eat in. Is it working out though? Is she getting jealous? Because most of the times I've ever been in.

No, it's going great. It's exhausting. Yeah, it is, right? What's the longest session you guys had together? All night, you guys sleep at all? Yeah, like four or five hours. Just keeping the babies awake? No.

That's great. That's beautiful. They watch the show. Let me ask you this. So you're having sex. No condoms, right? You wouldn't wear fucking condom with someone. Do I look like I wear condoms? No, hell no.

You don't look like you wear underwear, bro. Also true. Here's my question. So you're having sex with both of them. But my guess is that when you're having sex with a Venezuelan chick who's new and fresh, you sort of want to come more with her, right?

So do you like pull out and just like shoot it on your wife's face? What's the deal with that? Yeah, I mean dribble. What? Dribble. But seriously though, what's it like? Finishing? Do you have to spread it around?

This is for both of you. You both earned this. I keep a... I keep a chart. There's no stars, just eggplant emojis. I love it. I love it. I don't know what that means, but I love it. Penis. It means penis.

Does the Venezuelan do anything that your wife doesn't do? Not anymore. Oh, yeah. That's right. She's teaching her. It's like having a puppy with like a trained dog and like the puppy picks up on things.

Because Venezuelans are wild. Agreed. What would happen if you got the Venezuelan pregnant? I'd sue the IUD company. Oh, IUD? Fuck yeah, dude. You look more like a DUI kind of guy, but I guess

IUDs apply here as well. I fucking love it, man. That is so cool. You should send us a video of you guys having a threesome sometime. Just red banner. We know how to keep it secret. Perfect.

I've been in those situations before, and it always starts off great. But no, it's always the other girl. It makes your girl jealous. It always ends wrong, but it seems like it's going good for you. What do you mean it ends wrong?

I've been in a few threesomes before, and it's always been like... Are you counting yourself as two people? No. No, but... Well, according to the weight limit on the bed, this is a threesome thing. Oh, my God.

I can't believe we still have new jokes after doing this for eight years together. Like, it's like every week there's always something new. But usually, when you're in a relationship with somebody and you invite another girl in, it might start off great, but being where the girl,

your original girl gets angry and jealous about it, ruins everything. How often is that happening? Is that happening every time? When I was with Tony's ex... What horrible joke are you about to make?

Nothing. When I was with William's girlfriend, and my girlfriend the other day... Just stop, dude. Yeah, shut the fuck up. I'm confused by all this. At first, you came in hot on the minute, and I was like, oh, my God, this guy's huge. Is he about to come try

to take me out or something? I didn't know, and then the threesome. Is that real? I don't know if it's real or not. I don't know. Are you... Okay, I'm just curious. You're really 6'4". You don't even seem that much, Tony. He's not 6'4". You're cheating.

No, wait, wait. Tony, stand next to him. You're 5'8", right? Like, something like that? By the way, I'm not saying I'm taller than this guy. Turn on the lights, by the way. Before we do this, I just want to let you know I'm not claiming to be taller than him. I'm just claiming... You know what, Yoni? You have a tape measure, right?

Yoni... Forget me. Me standing next to him is pointless. Yoni, bring your tape measure up here. All right, Yoni's... Oh, great. Zach Bogus is... Hold on, wait. Zach Bogus is filming now, because he's going to be on him the whole time. Oh.

That's for the staff here at Vulcan Gas Company. I love it. So Yoni's upstairs grabbing the tape measure. He is running. Oh, you didn't have it on him. He has a full belly of barbeque. He's coming back down the stairs right now. I like you, man.

Cheers. Very rarely do I like people that try to take shots of me. Here comes Yoni. Make some fucking noise for Yoni, everybody! Cheers. This is the first time in Kill Tony history that we've measured something other than a penis, so this is very exciting.

Instead, we're measuring a dick. Six-two! Wow. Last time I saw someone add two inches to something, Hans Kim was talking about his dick. Five and a half inches, my fat ass. Wow.

Gabriel, you have been so much fucking fun. I love your energies. Even though you've only been doing this a year and a half and you started right before the pandemic, you seem like someone that's really built for this, like someone that really wants to do this, so I think you should leave your children

and your wife and... I'm just kidding. Just go with the girlfriend? Hell, yeah. Just take the Venezuelan girl and run for the fucking hills, dude. Just pull a John McAfee and just go ride and die. He was murdered.

Absolutely, he was definitely murdered. There's no doubt about that. Epstein'd, I guess. What? He was Epstein'd. Yeah, no doubt about it. Gabriel, I liked what you did tonight, believe it or not. Red Band's throwing me a small joke book, but you know what? I'm going to do something crazy.

I'm going to give you a big joke book, Gabriel. I hope you fill it up and sign up again. Thank you. Gabriel M. Kerr. K-E-R-R. Cheers. I don't know. Should we go to the bucket one more time?

What do you guys think? Let's do one more female. You guys think one more? No, let's not do one more female. You psycho. If a female gets pulled out, then there's a female. All right. Here we go.

Your final bucket pull of the night is Audrey Scott. Let's see what happens here. With the comedy... Make some noise for Audrey Scott, everybody! Hey! Hey, thank you so much. Thank you.

So, I've had the runs for over three weeks. But don't worry about me, because as of today, my diarrhea is gonorrhea. I found out what diddling meant yesterday. Before that, I thought it was

when a reggae song goes, and then I found out my friend was molested. So that wasn't as cool. I saw a billboard with a baby on it, and it said that I could kick. Is that a threat?

Because I promise I could kick your ass, baby! I'll make you wish that it was a rusty coat hanger pulling you out of your mother's uterus! Oh, dear. Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've gotten in a D&D recently.

Drinking and driving. I guess you could say I like to roll the dice. Fuck yeah, Audrey Scott. Keep that microphone, Audrey. We're gonna talk for a little bit. Audrey, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? In two months, it'll be two years.

Okay, you hate babies, huh? You really just threatened a baby from a billboard's life. Some babies are gonna be bad. Hell, yeah. What ethnicity are you? I'm having trouble figuring it out. You look like a white alley wong or something. No, Hans asked if I was

Mexican and Asian. I don't know, I got some Cherokee. I got some Scottish, Irish Czech. So it's just a whole hybrid of something. Cherokee, huh? It's been like one long Jeep commercial this whole episode.

I love it. What do you do for work, Audrey? I'm unemployed. I do open mics for work. How do you survive? Your parents give you money? You see... Let me just take a guess here.

The pause? I'm gonna guess yes. Because people that don't get money for their parents... Someone died. Someone died. You're not gonna tell me which one? It might not be a family member. I might have just robbed someone. Audrey, let's just stick with

good honest answers here. How do you survive? How do you have enough money to just do open mics? No, I just moved here three days ago. Where? I came from Roanoke, Virginia. Wow, Roanoke, Virginia. One of the homes of the Constitution

or some shit like that. Yeah, something like that. Something like that. Who gives a fuck anyway? It's 2021. What was Roanoke like for you? I lived 30 minutes outside of Roanoke and I lived on a farm.

I drive 30 minutes and I was running one of the only mics in Roanoke for over a year because COVID before that was just a lot of old dudes that were terrified to get sick, so no one came out. A lot of new people started showing up in the scene. I really miss... That mic was my baby. I miss all the people.

You hate babies, so it doesn't matter. It was a good baby. It was one of the good ones. I raised it. You moved here three days ago. Wow. Louise, what's your living situation like? I'm actually in a very nice Airbnb right now. I'm touring some apartments tomorrow.

I'm pretty stoked about that. Cool, apartments in the city? There's some off Speedway, which is not a Speedway. It's just a road called Speedway. Yeah. Okay. Come to Flugerville.

I don't know about that. I don't like the name. It's the Roanoke of Austin. I don't know about that. We have a water park. So what do you do for fun, Audrey? You have any fun things that you do? You karaoke?

Fish or something like that? What are you into? I have Solitaire downloaded on my phone. Okay. And so if I get really high, I'll just sit in the corner in the dark and just play Solitaire for like three hours.

Wow. Jesus. Are you serving a life sentence in prison right now? My God. Just play Solitaire, man. That's the fucking life. God. It's really like you are the weirdest sexual harasser

of all time. I can't figure out who it is. I can't figure out who it is. I really feel like it's Ally Wong with Bleached Hair. Okay. It really is interesting. You definitely have an Asian look to you. That's awesome.

People used to call me... By the way, just for those who keep keeping track, to me, stop making noises. To me, if you have an Asian look to you, I do believe, I can say with no ego, I believe that is more racist than what I said about Pang-Bang.

No. It's not. To me, it is. No. See, calling people a magic word to me isn't that insulting, but like saying you have an Asian face. No, I was going to say, they called me what you said. I think if you love Asian faces,

it's not racist. That's like her saying you're Asian too. For no David Lucas being here. I love it. Did you dress like that in Virginia? Or are you just finding yourself? No, no, no. I've been called a lesbian my entire life.

You were able to swing by the Buffalo Exchange in your first three days here. Very fun. Thank you. Thank you very much. Other than solitaire, there must be something that you do for fun. We know you smoke pot because you accidentally said that while talking about your solitaire addiction,

what else? When you go out or something or hang out with friends, what do you like to do? Fuck. I just make fun of people. Any sports or social things? I just make fun of people. I don't know. I used to play lacrosse. I was raised Mormon.

Wow, Mormon. I did Mormon for a while. That's what I did. I did Mormon. Mormonism and lacrosse. Jesus, I'm going to kill myself right now. That's a weird combo. Audrey, what's your love life like? I got a real vibe.

The red band thinks you're an Asian. I think you're a lesbian. Which one of us is right here? Neither. Really? Yeah. You're just a straight Cherokee. No, I like to ride bicycles. So you can...

How about your love life? You date you in a relationship? No, I'm recently single, but don't approach me, please. Don't worry, I'm definitely not going to. Not you. That's all of them. Why? Why don't you want anybody to hit on you? Did you end it or did he end it?

I mean, I left him. I drove away from him and came to Texas. You loved him? Very much. It was very painful. How long were you guys together? Like two years. He'd been doing stand-up for over a decade.

He's been doing stand-up for over a decade. Yeah, so he had been in New York and LA and he was just done with it. So I decided to... He quit doing stand-up? Yeah, I mean, he does stuff locally in Roanoke and he'd go to Richmond with me. Yeah, no, he quit stand-up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing stuff locally in Roanoke. I mean, that is like... That's done ski. So now you're doing it. Very, very interesting. When's the last time you talked to him? This morning.

So you're not over it. You're going to get back to him. No, that's what, yeah. You think there's any chance he's going to move out here? Hell no. He's got 10 acres of land, like a big ass house. He's happy. He's living off his parents' money too. Yeah, we have so much in common.

Right, right. What was your favorite thing about him? I don't know. He was actually smart and new movies and shit like that. I dated a lot of stupid men and he was smart. So that was cool. That was enjoyable.

Oh, wow. He knew movies. Really? Yeah. He knew movies, huh? Yeah, he knew movies. I'm actually a movie director. I've made a bunch of movies. I wasn't going to tell you all he was also bald, but William...

What the fuck does that mean? Wow. My goodness. Goddamn. Damn. Do you like bald guys? I had never dated someone that was bald before and he was 12 years older than me and that never happened either.

But crazy shit occurred. How does he have so much land? How does he have a giant farm like that? It's kind of dirt cheap out there and he got a pretty good deal for a mortgage and that's why people move out there to escape everything. It's yours without Lake, so a lot of...

Like Flugerville. Yeah. Just like Flugerville. Just like it. Incredible. Incredible. All right, well... Audrey, Scott,

anything else we should know about you? Any fun facts about Audrey? Don't do things like that. Red Band, you can't do that. You can do anything you want, but you can't do that. It's weird and it's not a big enough laugh to get away with it. I was talking to William.

I wasn't going to say this, but I was also in a threesome but with two lesbians and they were my bosses. Looks like Tony was right. But I didn't squirt. I made the other one squirt. Wow. My goodness.

Did you drink it up like a good girl? Red Band. Sound effects only from this point out. She's like, I told you it wasn't pissed. What happens? This guy drinks Red Bull vodka and then switches to fucking Diet Coke and whiskey. Jesus Christ.

So the Red Bull gives him the energy to say the dumb shit the whiskey's telling him to say. It's an unbelievable concoction. Oh, my God. What are you talking about? I'm drinking a delicious crown in Diet Coke. All right. Anyway...

What... You used your fingers in an upward motion along the top side of a fist? Just the whole fucking... How big was this girl? She was a tiny little lady. She was a little bigger than me. Make a fist for a second.

It's not that big of a fist. It's bigger than some. It's kind of meaty. It's not like a big man fist. It's like nine Hans Kimcocks right there all in a row. Audrey, so much fun. Come back, sign up again, all right?

Audrey Scott, everybody. She's on Instagram at AluminAudrey. There you go. Take a big one. All right. You guys ready to put a big fucking cherry on top of this episode or what? There's only one way to do that, ladies and gentlemen.

The guy that closes every episode of the show with a brand new minute of stand-up comedy is a fucking unified monster hailing all the way from beautiful, beautiful Brooklyn, New York via Chicago, Illinois.

One of the great regulars in the history of the show with a brand new minute every week. After two decades of improv at Second City got diagnosed with ALS decided to chase his lifelong

dream of being a stand-up comedian. And now he's the monster of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Laird! Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael! Michael! Crowd goes wild. Even the balcony

on their feet. It doesn't matter how much life you have left the lessons keep coming. Like, it's not gay if

they pay me to suck my own dick. No, I got that wrong. I mean, it's not gay if they pay me to suck your dick. What I'm trying

to say is they give me the money I sit in my wheelchair and they suck my dick. And that's not gay they promise. I'm sure the best thing about being sick

is no more auditions no more Hollywood bullshit, alright? I mean, I think it's not a real profession no is any profession where a little fucking

kid can be better than me. Alright? But you know what? When you get sick what's important in life and there ain't the shiny things

honey child alright? Besides, if I get something shiny the bank inside the supermarket on the Indian reservation repossesses it

anywhere. Oh, man. I'm a dying young man like a black but it's God who's killing me

not one of my neighbors. Look look there's a thin line between there's a thin line between good and evil, alright? Pablo Escobar

murdered thousands of cops he did some bad things too. Now being disabled means I don't have to respect none of you

motherfuckers. I don't respect vets I don't respect horses I don't respect pens a pen or pencil gets one chance in my house

right or your garbage but I want to leave you with this life is hard but if first you don't succeed find out who didn't

see when that motherfucker eats. Wow Michael motherfucking Lair with not only a brand new minute three minutes and 35 seconds this guy

famously the cat goes to the litter box while Michael comes on stage because he has been doing over a minute now for like a month it is incredible you're doing three times the work that everybody else does and somehow you also do

I don't know 10 times better than everybody else it's absolutely incredible yeah William didn't perform a minute well I wanted to put an extra effort tonight for Mr. Tantino

yeah no I really like your stuff I heard your Hollywood stuff but I think I might have a role for you you know I really liked you as an obvious impersonator on that episode of The Golden Girls

yeah thank you so much one of my earliest roles thank you wow it is crazy you it was hard to get that gig and it was sort of the start of everything y'all see now

y'all know what I've done now it was sort of the start of everything it really right is 91 yeah man you used to work in the video store yeah oh tell me you know I work with

disabled people you do? yeah I'm a disabled you are? yeah yeah my chair has a seatbelt oh my god it does

have a seatbelt that's a new chair wow and that's a real fucking seatbelt yeah but now I've talked about before the difficulty people with disabilities face

like how cocaine comes in such small bags and like like you know like my day I can't even write my own name so I'm like

you know trying to and you know but I believe disabled people should be able to do cocaine also

so just like my porno project for the disabled it's like the bang bus but the whore drives safely to the back of the van

but just like that I made a device to help disabled people do cocaine yeah let's see this device how disabled people

can do cocaine as long as you don't do cocaine on the shokie dokie holy shit wow oh my god Michael can you do the secret show on Thursday

alright look at that look at that like John Benet Ramsey's body bag right there that's incredible oh wow look at the size of that straw oh yes he's also a pirate everybody

oh my goodness wow uh oh let's see it let's do it okay my goodness gracious alright

alright alright alright he's not gonna do he's not gonna snort flower on the show absolutely incredible you've been gambling a lot have you had any updates on the gambling you played poker at the red rose

yellow rose the other day right yeah I did on Sundays they have a really friendly like low stakes poker and I play in free rows around town low stakes poker

because I'm disabled and I'm gambling I'm gonna make sure everyone knows I'm not gambling with your GoFundMe GoFundMe my name you have a GoFundMe you don't have a GoFundMe

no it's Hans Kim's GoFundMe Hans Kimwin no Hans Kim's out there gambling with GoFundMe what's happening I'm confused now oh shit he's blowing his nose all that flower

oh my god Michael is the best that's chlorophore man he's fucked up he's raping himself now he is incredible stuff you're a real fucking

glorious bastard you know that by the way I went down my list that is every single Tarantino movie I reference throughout this show thank you so much wait Michael you have something else you want to say well um

you disrespected Quentin what did I say well he didn't direct us to dawn but he wrote it he wrote that yeah I told you I told you

thank you Michael thank you there's bullshit really I don't know I'm going to double check that one he wrote um true romance I know he wrote true romance yeah

you told go out four rooms we went over there the fourth room is great but it takes a lot to get there Robert Rodriguez did the third room the best one with the two kids oh yeah

lots of surprises in that movie definitely worth checking out what's the worst Tarantino movie well everybody has a different opinion on that what is yours what's mine? my least favorite Tarantino movie I would say once upon a time

in Hollywood you fucking I thought it was boring as fuck it's long and boring that pit bull scene was epic bro the what? pit bull scene sure but have you seen all of his other movies

they're way better than that by the way when judging Tarantino movies I think they're better than every other movie that's ever been made so before I say what my least favorite Tarantino movie is I will say that I still like it

more than having to watch any other movie but if I had to pick one I would have to probably say hatefully it's a little bit long little bit clunky not really clunky but just a little bit long a lot of watching people in wagons going over a lot of snow

that's true I think Jackie brown is no no no you have to finish his sentence before you say no red bin there you go exactly see red bin

I thought jockey brown I'm like no thank you I don't know what his fucking stupid ass has been saying even all fucking night I don't really get what you've been doing all fucking night you know what Michael to close the show Quentin Tarantino your feet

it's what I'm just kidding I'm just joking do you guys have fun tonight come on guys it's better than if Quentin Tarantino would have been here you guys have fucking fun tonight there you go check out everything Michael Lair MichaelLairComedy.com

how loud can this place get for one of my favorite guests of all time William Montgomery everybody that guy gets it right over there that guy standing up fucking gets it how about one more time for the band everyone John Dees

Michael Gonzalez Matt Mueling and the great D Madness everyone an incredible drawing just came in from Ryan Jeebel check out all of these drawings from Ryan Jeebel.com including some great Kill Tony merchandise

all the road posters and coming in the very near future the bingo cards hey Michael we got something cool for you Bonezai Adrian Cavazos custom made you a brand new leather joke book with you as Superman

smoking weed on it I can't my own name what the fuck you could pee in it make sure you guys check out CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres follow them on Instagram at CM Smokehouse

follow Yoni at Best BBQ follow Adrian Cavazos at Bonezai go to the yellow rose the red rose bunch of other fun stuff happening we'll see you guys next week for another episode of Kill Tony thank you guys so much for coming out Austin Texas

we love you so much goodnight everybody thank you oh yeah look we forgot to look at the art from Chris Rogers look at that a little Neath Ledger Joker while you all sat there doing nothing that's your Chris Rogers art drew that

look at that the great Neath Ledger's Joker absolutely incredible we'll see you guys again soon for another live taping of Kill Tony Quinton Tarantino was almost here tonight so who knows what will happen next week Ron White

Danny Brown Alex Jones Duncan Trestle Joe Rogan and that's just here at Vulcan Gas Company so come back again we'll see you guys soon thank you goodnight everybody thank you so much you you

you