KILL TONY - #514 - DAVID LUCAS

Episode Date: July 17, 2021

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Michael Lehrer, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/05/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—Credit Karma’s game-changing technology shows you tailored offers for credit cards andpersonal loans that you’re more likely to be approved for, so you can apply with moreconfidence. Apply with confidence today. Go to CREDITKARMA.COM/PODCAST or the Credit Karma app.—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band coming live from Vulcan Gas Company in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here it up for Tony H.Cliff. Austin, Texas. Come on guys make some fucking noise. It's Monday night. It feels good in here. How about a big hand for Red Band everybody. Hey everybody. Live in the flesh. The

inventor of podcasts. Guys, how about a hand for the fucking Kill Tony band, huh? Wow. Uiui. My goodness gracious. I heard somebody singing and I ran out of the green room. I sprinted to that balcony. Motherfucking D madness everybody. On the bass guitar. I don't think I've ever heard him singing before. Unfucking believable this guy. I cannot believe. My God has blessed you in so many ways. It's so weird that he made you blind. It's incredible. It doesn't even make any sense. D madness can do everything except see anything. How about a hand for Matt mulling on guitar ladies and gentlemen. Going along with it. Absolute cold

blooded killer. And the great Michael Gonzalez is on drums tonight. Raining, defending, Mexican, drama, winner. Everything is set. We love these shows in Austin, Texas. Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose official sponsors of Kill Tony. And a lot of fun stuff happening. Ryan J. E. Belt drawing tonight's episode as we speak from Los Angeles, California. He does every single episode and I can officially announce that the Kill Tony bingo cards are for sale everybody. Breaking news. The new Kill Tony bingo cards are $25. You get fucking six bingo cards all with different things that

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really cool. We upgraded our regular the great William Montgomery to the guest chair. And this week is something very, very, how many of you are diehard kill Tony fans have been for a while? How many of you this is your first time at a kill Tony and you don't know where you're at? Wow, that's a lot of people. I feel like a lot of people clap twice. I know for a fact the Nether hour boys have seen the show before, but that's marijuana for you right there. It's my first time, dude. I don't fucking know, bro. Never seen the show. I've never seen the show. Demand is absolutely killing it. Fuck that bullshit. I ain't never seen

that show. Well, whether you know the show or not, you're in for a very special treat tonight because this guy is going to destroy. He always does with a brand new minute every single week. This is, you know, last month was Asian Heritage Month. We found that out the hard way. This month, gay pride month. But you know, here at kill Tony, we decided to make a kill Tony regular appreciation month. This guy arose. How many of you like it when we're mean to comedians up here? A roast God on the panel for the first time in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest is David Lucas. Oh shit. Oh my

goodness. David Lucas is here. Double fist and single fist and actually you surprised with your stubby fingers. You can fit two drinks in between. Welcome to the show. I love this look that you have. This is like the life aquatic or something like that. If you could swim. I can swim. I'm one of the very few black people that can swim. Yeah, I know. I've seen you in Sea World and stuff like that. Swims around. Let's scuba divers ride his back and what not. We started early. There it is. Red bag. Get the fuck out of here. You only know how the dead man float. David Lucas podcast. The Fat Pessimist available everywhere. That's

not a joke. That's the actual name of his podcast. The Fat Pessimist. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. David, I'm excited you're joining us. You know the show. You guys probably know the show as well. A bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. It's crazy. Every week. I can't believe it. People really sometimes they do so good. Sometimes it's like they've never seen anything live before in their lives. Sometimes it's like their first day out in public. But if I pull their name out of the bucket they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a

kitten. That means wrap it up then. I'm sure gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. There it is. That's what it sounds like. You guys ready to start tonight show? No, we're gonna do. We're gonna do something special. Let's start off with a regular. You guys like it when we do that. These guys write a brand new minute every single week. There's only a couple here today and a couple special treats for you. It's gonna be a very fun episode and we're gonna start it off with our brand newest regular. This guy got immediate local legend everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm just gonna say his name.

It's the great and powerful Hans Kim everyone. Here we go. Yeah. Those kicks were fast as lightning. One more time for Hans Kim everybody. Thank you guys. Good to be here. I hope you had a good 4th of July. I actually didn't get to see the fireworks. Does anyone have any pictures on their phone that I could take a look at? I feel like the scale and magnitude of fireworks is really captured by an iPhone 6. So just like to take a gander at that. I think it's funny that Tanner is a white person's name. I mean, Tanner than what? Should be like, hey, this is my Mexican friend Tanner. That's my black friend

Tannis. I love rednecks because rednecks can survive in any wilderness situation that you put them in, except a situation where everyone is equal rights. That kind of fucks them up. You can live in a swamp with an alligator. Why can't live in a cul-de-sac with a minority? Wow, that's it. 60 seconds in and out. Oh shit, the newest member of the assassination squad, the great Hans Kim. Look at you. Thank you. What is that? A soccer jersey you're wearing? Yeah, it's a South Korean jersey from the national team. Okay. Is that what place they were in? Like, are they good at soccer? Yeah, they're bad at soccer. Thanks for reminding me, Brian.

Hans, a very fun set. Fireworks, Tanner. I loved all of it. Absolutely fucking fantastic. I love that you spread it around. I saw you looking up at the balcony or like at least looking like you were looking at the balcony. Look at you. You're absolutely adorable. Balcony, how you guys doing up there? Everybody comfortable? We have a giant balcony here at Balkan that doesn't really translate to the video portion of the show. So what's going on? Did you like ball that up and step on it a bunch? How wrinkled that shirt is? It's quite incredible, Hans. I thought you people were good at dry cleaning. I didn't realize you were coming, just raw dog in it like that.

He's back and living in the van, that's why. Oh, you're back in the van, the van's fix? I got my van back. I picked it up. Okay, van back. Is that one of your cousins or something? Got it. Another one. I love it. Van back. Get over here, van back. What else is going on in life, Hans, Kim? I visited the illustrious Red Rose recently. Oh, fuck. I always took you for more of a yellow rose kind of guy. How was the Red Rose? How was that? It was sexually appealing. Oh, shit. Really? Any of those girls get you up to your full three and a half inches? What was your favorite part of the evening? My favorite part was the beautiful Kaylee giving me a lap dance. Whoa, you got the actual Kaylee? Wow. Dean Stanfield paid for it.

Who did? Dean Stanfield. Okay. All right, you always shout out people that do favors for you. It's always interesting. Hey, man, can I borrow 20 bucks? I swear, I'll say your full name on Kill Tony on Monday. Dean Stanfield, I love it. Okay, that's the biggest thing Dean's ever done in his comedy career. That's pretty exciting. He bought you a lap dance. So what are we talking about? Were you wearing jeans? Were you creepy like red band? Did you wear sweat pants or something? No, you wear the silky pants and you put Vaseline in it. Oh, God. Oh, you are a monster. No, I went with a girl that I was interested in and then I accidentally touched a stripper too long or something and she got mad at me. Wait a second. Hold on. You're interested in a girl and you

decided to take her to a strip club? Hans, come on, dude. Hans, I thought you guys were smarter than that. So who's this girl, a comedian that you're interested in? Yeah. Oh my God. Is she here tonight? You want to ask her out on a date live on the show? I don't think she's here. Oh, okay, well, that was pretty anticlimactic. But yeah, I mean, like I put a dollar bill in her thong and then I like sort of like, whoops. Wow, you did? Just a little George Washington? That's it? A fucking $1 bill? How many nickels did you throw at her? Jesus Christ, Hans, you cheap fuck. Oh my God. Was that out in like the open or did you go to a private room for that? It was in the main stage. Everyone saw it. Okay. Okay. My goodness. Where'd you get the $1 bill from? Was that from

Dean Stanfield as well? It was actually from the girl. Oh my goodness. Oh, you took one of the dollars and just picked it up. No, she picked me. Oh, you had the date. Wow. Did she put any money in any of the girls clothes? I think she just made it rain. Oh, okay. But I gave her a lap dancing, so she paid me. It's great that she made it rain. This is a Native American girl you're into, huh? You got one guy really like that one. Thank you, sir. Hard to pull off a Native American joke in 2021. It's just not many of them left, you know what I mean? It's a naughty show. All right, Hans. I mean, you are fucking doing your job better than just anybody possibly could right now. David, anything for Hans? What do you think about Hans Kim? Hey, man, that's a killer

set, bro. You funny as hell. There you go. Look at that. David's got another but nice things to say. Hans Kim, everybody getting us started tonight. And to the bucket, we will go. This is where it's crazy. The people I bring up now, those are consistently, you know, these are real fucking comedians. Anything can happen out of this bucket right now. You're about to find that out immediately, most likely. Let's see what happens. Getting us started tonight. We're going to meet a gentleman named Justin Essenmacher, everybody. Justin Essenmacher is getting us started here. Kill Tony. Live. Here he is. Justin Essenmacher, everyone. What's up? Hey, y'all. So I just turned 31. So I figured it was time to see my heritage where I'm from. So I took a 23 and meat test. Found out I got herpes.

Yeah, that's a bumpy one. Right? White trash people. White trash people. Why did they start all their projects in their front yard? And then halfway through it, they're like, fuck it. I need more Lone Star. And they never come back to that shit. It's good though. Your friend gets lost. He's like, Hey, man, where you at? I can't find the house. Like, it's the one with the three mattresses outside and the lawnmowers and shit. Oh, got it. Got it, man. Where's the lawnmowers on front? What the fuck? Fix them. Harley Davidson owners. Anybody? Yeah, see, I don't like them either. I'm sick and tired of them. Harley Davidson owners. Like, we get it. We get it. We know you

have a fat wife. Thank you. Justin Essenmacher, everybody. Welcome to the show, Justin. Appreciate it. Have you been on before? I haven't. This is the first time. Wow. Yeah, you look so familiar to me. How do I know you? Well, we were at Fourth of July last night. We were at Bolden Acres. Okay, I saw you yesterday. That's the answer. Okay, that's hilarious. The day before that. All right, very good. Yeah, man, we see each other around. It's hanging out with you guys. Got some Adderall energies on you, huh? It's a little zippy-doodle, zippy-doodle day. People say that. Yeah. People say it. I get it. It's big fucking bug eyes, you guys. Yeah. I can say that because you're a white guy. Yeah, it's cool, man. You can make fun of your eyes. If you

were any other ethnicity, I can't make fun of your eyes. Even Hans Kim, believe it or not, I can't make fun of his eyes. But me? Can't make fun of that which does not exist. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. There you go. You guys will all catch up to this. When the podcast comes out in a couple of weeks, you guys are going to love these jokes that I'm doing, I promise. So, Justin, let's talk about it. You seem like a young man, right? But you have an old face. You're like a 28-year-old body in their face that had two tours in Vietnam or something like that. This is absolutely incredible. It was wild, man. You're like a fucking Mr. Potato Head of a human being. This is what an Austin Mr. Potato Head looks like. Hell yeah. Justin, how long have you

been on stand-up? About six and a half years. Six and a half years. All of it here in Texas? No. I'm from the Detroit comedy scene. Okay. How long have you lived here? I'm here for like three months. I just had three months here. I was in Dallas before this for like four months and then I was in LA before COVID. Okay. All right. Absolutely. Guy a little bit late on his Detroit. Shout out there. That was 45 seconds ago, but very good. Hell yeah. What do you do for work, Justin? I'm a server during the day. Okay. Where are you serving at? South Congress Cafe. Okay. Is that place good? It's really good. Good food. Recommended. Okay. Yeah. All right. And you've been a server for a long time? Since I started comedy. Yeah. Okay. So what other arts or

shit do you do? Like you seem like you have a little music? I used to be in a band when I was like 18, like 23. I was in a hardcore band. I was a screamer. Wow. You were? Yeah. I screamed. Okay. Can we get a little, uh, drum and heavy guitar? Let's hear this guy scream. Get the punch beat for this guy. Let's fucking go. Let's fucking go. Get wild. Get wild. Get wild. Get wild. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. All right. Absolutely. All right. I think we found what you're good at, Justin. I don't know why would you stop that and start comedy? It was, I'm not good at making decisions, Tony. I started a hardcore band. What was the name of the band? Ambush the Sky. Ambush the Sky. All right. My parents had the same reaction. I bet. Yeah.

I bet they fucking did. Tell me, what the fuck are you doing, Justin? I love it. Maybe you should do music that people like. Okay. So you've lived here for a few months. Yeah. What do you do for fun here in Austin, Texas? What do you like to do? Man, I've been hanging out like every night. This place is wild. I just bar hop. So it's like comedy. Then it's just the bar life, the DJs, shit, man. It's getting wild out here. What's the wildest thing you've seen since being out here in Austin? There's a lot of people. There's a lot of things to see. I'll tell you that. They fucking. I can't remember, Tony. Really? That's the honest answer. Like last night, I had a wild night. Yeah. Can barely remember it. You do drugs? You do a little bit of drugs? I smoke a lot of weed.

That's it. Drink a lot too, probably. Yeah. I feel like if I keep asking, I'm going to get more drugs before I go. Probably. Okay. D. David Lucas, what do you think about this, guys? I think you look like that chick Carrie from that scary movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah, bro. No one's ever said these things to me. You look like a white Ethiopian. That's what you got. You got a big ass forehead, bro. I don't know what the fuck. That thing. Boy, you look like you play football without a helmet. Yeah. None of the helmets fit ever. Yeah, bro. I can tell. Boy, you're in. Justin, I love it. What's your love life like? Do girls find you attractive?

We've told you what we think you look like. I'm interested to know. You guys really changed the whole game. I want to change my whole look tomorrow, but I don't know. I thought I looked good. I don't know what women think about. I mean, it's not like. You have a girlfriend? No, single. Yeah. When's the last time you got laid? Tell us about it. Well, it was a few weeks ago. And yeah, that's good. You can't ruin the mood, right? So a few weeks ago, what the fuck happened? It sounded like you jerked off, bro. This doesn't sound sex at all. I feel bad that I can't answer it because I can't remember. Is that bad? Yeah, dude. Probably, right? It wasn't a good. It probably wasn't good sex if I can't remember it.

Oh, I do. It was a wild story. Met a girl, ran across the street, right? Got her phone number. It was down at a grandstand in Austin. Okay. I said, what's up? Got her number. And then she made me run all over Sixth Street for her. She wouldn't tell me what bars she was at, literally. So I had to go to three bars, right? Y'all know it's bullshit. Justin, get to the end of the story, dude. No one cares. We had sex. I thought you wanted the store. I'm sorry, Tony. Yeah. Yeah, so we fucked at like three in the morning. It was good. Where'd you guys fuck at? In my apartment. Oh, you have your own apartment? Yeah, I'm a big boy. Really? Yeah. You are? Yeah, you got an apartment now. It's pretty cool. How many, you don't have any roommates? I do. Okay,

yeah, that's what I thought. I'm a big boy, Tony. What? I'm a big boy. So are your roommates. They're big boys too, aren't they? That's what our moms tell us. How many bathrooms you got in that apartment? Got one. Oh, shit. Got one. I had a feeling. That's a special kind of psychic power when you can feel how many bathrooms they have in an apartment. You seem like the kind of guy that's definitely sharing bathrooms with someone. Yeah, why not? Well, I'll give you a few reasons why. You can ask anybody that lives by themselves and they'll tell you it's pretty fucking awesome to not. Yeah, actually, I get it. I understand. Yeah, I've lived with roommates like my whole life. Yeah. You're a big boy though. But now I'm a big boy. I got my own room, Tony. I got my own room

in bed. Well, Justin, fun time. Sign up again. Show us another minute, some other time. There he goes. Hey, we have these. Wait, Justin, Justin, come here. We have these joke books made from the Great Bones Eye. Ladies and gentlemen, we have big ones for the good comedians and small ones for the guys that struggle. But you know what, Justin, you have such a goddamn good energy. And I hope that you have your own apartment someday. So fill this up with your best jokes ever. That's a big kill Tony joke book. Justin S. and Mockers on social media at Justin S. and Mocker. You know what the fuck. You know how to spell that shit. Take your wildest guess at how to spell S. and Mocker. Shout out to some of the cool people we see every week. Hello, chief. How are you? Good to see you

guys. Hello, our friends. The great Joe White out there taking pictures. We're gonna have some fun tonight. I can feel it. All right. Pulled another name out. Make some noise for Jason Rodriguez, everybody. Here we go. This looks like a brand new name as well. We'll see what happens. Come on, guys. Make some noise for Jason Rodriguez. Hey, what's up? I'm a Mexican. I don't mind it. It's cool. I'm not, I'm not that Mexican, though. I get quizzed on it a lot. People are always like, are you really Mexican? Can you speak Spanish? Do you like spicy foods? Do you do drywall? Sure, like that. I feel like, I feel like white people don't go through that. You know, when no one's ever like, are you sure you're Irish? Name five

potatoes right now. You don't know, Yukon? You pose her? Not here. Yeah. I got a, I got a girlfriend. She's gray. I try to be a good boyfriend. Trying to gaslight her. That's bad. If you don't know what gaslighting is, that's when women are confused about how right I am. Yeah. If you disagree, you're crazy, okay? Like, you're not, I'm not yelling, but fuck you. Okay, this feels good. I took CBD two years ago. I think it just kicked in. All right, I'm done. Jason Rodriguez. Very good, my friend. Look at you. Hell yeah. Look at you. What a little fucking stud you are, huh? Hell yeah. Like a young James Franco before all the rapes and whatnot. Very exciting.

Yeah. An innocent James Franco. Okay. Guy that doesn't have to pay two million and fucking whatever. Welcome to the show, Jason Rodriguez. How long have you been on stand-up? Like three years. Awesome. All of it here in Austin? Now from like Orange County. Okay. You live here now? I live here. I hear like a month ago. Sweet. What do you love about Austin? You've been here a month? I mean, just like the stage time. That's great. Absolutely. I completely agree with you there. How long have you been with this girlfriend? She came with you? No, she's still in California

right now. Yeah, I know. Jason, all these fucking, look at all these dirty fucking, these girls are all nasty out here, dude. These chicks, it gets hot during the day. They start fucking sweating bullets. They get excited. They're looking for a little fucking half lesbian like you, dude. You look like you eat pussy for fun, dude. I don't know. Take no taco over here. Take no taco? Did you hear that? Why didn't she come with you? Or is she coming? The lease isn't up, but she's on her way. She's gonna be here like in September. Okay. Is she Latina? No, she's mixed. She's a Black and Polynesian. Whoa. Look at you. Is that D-Madness making that noise?

Can D-Madness just turn into predator whenever he wants? What the fuck is going on back there? What is this wacky ass noise he's doing? Is that a blind guy thing? Can only you do that? Wow. The man of many talents. So I love it. So Jason, where'd you meet this girl? Black and Polynesian. That is incredible. Yeah, I met her back in Orange County. Yeah, we actually went to high school together and we never saw each other ever. And we met 10 years after. Wow. Yeah, and then we're in love. It's cool. Oh, that's so awesome. I love it. How do you survive, Jason? What do you do for money? Right now, I'm unemployed. I just got a job. I don't know how to say the company. They make

coolers and they have a big store on Congress. Okay. Absolutely. Yeah, so I should start there next week or something. Yeah, you'll be able to mention it soon. Not quite yet. Yeah. Yeah. Jason, what do you like to do for fun? For fun? I ride bird scooters a lot. Whoa. Look at that. You are a real little Latino boy. Yeah. I'm out here riding bird scooters for fun. What else? What else do you do for fun? For fun? I don't know. I just don't really have a lot of, I do comedy, I guess. Yeah, other than that, there must be something you do to like clear your mind or something. You go fishing or? No, I like to just get really high, watch like Hulu and stuff. Okay. Hulu. That's good. It's very weird. It's good. Dave season two. It's a really good show.

All right. All right. We know some, we have some friends that are on that thing. I love that. That's so cool. You have any special skills or talents? Do you ever do anything other than stand-up comedy? I can, no, I don't. Come on. What were you going to say there? We got to know. What were you going to say? There must be something. I'm pretty good at like putting together furniture. Like. All right. Well, I got good news for you. We just made, we had a feeling this would happen. We put it in order with Ikea. How many of you guys want to see Jason put together a coffee table right now? Let's go. All right. Well, that would be hilarious. Unfortunately, if we were at the Paramount Theater again, like we were for 500, we'd have enough space for that.

But we just have to keep the show rolling along. And we could literally buy furniture and just bring it. Yeah, I actually have a coffee table that's not yet put together. We can bring it next week. We could bring our coffee tables and have Jason do that next week. That'd be awesome. I have an Allen wrench. I can put it together. You don't need one. Wow. I love it. Well, Jason, such a fun set. Really, really great work. Three years. I mean, an absolute killer. You're getting, you're getting a big joke book, Jason. You did it, dude. Congratulations. Very fun set. Follow him on Instagram at Jason underscore Smaytion. Everyone. Smation. All right, bye. Smation? S M A Y T I O N. Welcome to Austin, man. Jason Rodriguez, a brand new Austin comedian.

One month here in Austin, you get to see him first here on Kill Tony. Oh, let's go one more bucket pool and then we'll do a special treat. Okay, this looks like a fun name. Ladies and gentlemen, Nelson Valin, everybody. Here comes Nelson Valin. When she's gone. Oh, yeah. And you know what? All of a delicious crown royal and Coca-Cola. How about one more hand for the staff here at Vulcan doing a great job? Me too. Come on. One more time. Good and loud for Nelson Valin. Hi, guys. I know what you're thinking. And no, I'm not one of the kids that Michael touched. Having a handlebar mustache is like having a big pair of tits. Everyone likes to stare.

Eyes up here, guys. Eyes up here. So I know I look like a drug dealer, but I'm really a Spanish leprechaun. If you catch me, I'll give you a taco. If you follow me to the end of the rainbow, I'll give you some cocaine and some hookers. So do you guys know how much the average accountant makes after 10 years of experience? 120,000. Do you know how much the average comedian makes after 10 years of experience? Enough to have a second job, guys. And that's how I got into cocaine distribution. Thank you. Oh, you're done. Okay. Oh, I can keep on going. I got 26 seconds. Oh, shit. All right. You got a short one? Go ahead. Sure. All right. What's more dangerous than Adderall cocaine or a public school teacher for kids? A Catholic priest.

All right. Nelson Valin, everybody. Welcome to the show, Nelson. Look at you. Look at me. Yeah. I love it. This is a cry for attention. All right. This is absolutely incredible. You are something else, dude. I don't even know where the fuck to begin with you. Well, we can start with the mustache. Shout out to Firehouse Mustache for sponsoring me. I love you guys. You guys are the best. All right. No one's sponsoring you, Nelson. Your buddy, your buddy. Just my sugar daddy, right? That thing's fucking dipping, by the way. You got one side up, one side listened to your set and fell asleep. Oh, this one. You see that? You see that? This one took whiskey. This one took Viagra. Thanks to the audience so they could see. You don't fucking care. Look, guys, this one took

whiskey. This one took Viagra. This one's why it's hard. Nelson, your bombing stopped two minutes ago. Let's just relax. Just listen. Now you're doing an interview. Okay. It's too late to apologize. This is the great Timbaland one said. It's too late to apologize. You square up to the crowd so that they could see you again, Nelson. Stop facing us directly. David Lucas, what do you think about this guy? You look like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I am. Something like that. Nelson, is it true that you've been doing stand-up for 10 years? I wish. Why? Because I love doing stand-up. It's like part of my dreams and my goals. Okay. Yeah. Okay. How long have you been doing it? You did a joke where doing 10 years stand-up comedian, you have a side job. So I started... You remember

that joke that you did? It was one of the two jokes that you did in 45 seconds. I said, how much does the average comedian make after 10 years of experience? It was just, I haven't been doing comedy that long. I started the first week of 2018. Okay. All of it here in Texas? No, I'm from Miami. I've been here for 24 hours. Oh, now it makes sense. I'm like, how has this guy not gotten thrown into a locker yet here in Texas? It's because you've been here literally 24 hours. This is the first place out in public you've been. We actually have a locker here that we, we just got it. Jason Rodriguez is putting it together right now. Oh, perfect. And we're going to shove you in the locker. It's a new Kill Tony tradition. Some people get the big joke book.

Some people get the little one. I'm going to help. Some people get thrown in a fucking locker. My blind ass is going to help too. Even D-Madness is making fun of the way you look right now. I'm going to help him, man. Absolutely incredible. Hey. Lord have mercy. Help us all. But it seems like you really tried. How long have you had that jacket for? About six weeks. Six weeks. What made you want to do that? I'm a whore for attention. You are. What else, what have you been doing for attention before you started stand up a couple of years ago? I danced. Well, we absolutely positively have got to see that. You better let it rip up here, dude. Come on. You guys want to fill this in a little bit?

You fucking suck, dude. You suck. Is it going to change? Are you like building up to something? Is that like some big thing you're about to do? Did you learn those moves from Corey Hame? Yeah, pretty much. Oh my God. Nelson, oh my God. You are something else. Tell us some more redeeming qualities about you. What will turn this thing around? What will make this audience love you? Tell us something good. Well, I used to be a banker. I studied finance. I hated my life, and I changed my life around. Wow. I say, what's something that will make the audience love you? He's like, I'm a banker, everybody. That explains the fucking monopoly mustache. Wow. So you're a banker in Miami? No, I was a banker for I decided to change my life.

I was like poor for about three or four years. I was negative 2k and like really depressed in September. Got into e-commerce, started making money and just started journaling, writing down my dreams, focusing. I hate you more and more every second that you speak. It's incredible. It's absolutely shocking. Did you have like friends that told you you're funny or something like that? No, just random girls on dates. Girls on dates told you you're funny? Yeah. They're like, you're so funny Nelson. I have to go by the way, but you're so funny. I have my friend is she's sick and like I have to, I have to go take care of her. For sure. All right, D-Madness, I love you. You got to stop making that fucking noise though. At this average, at the pace we're going, you would

have done that sound 300 times this episode. Well, that's why I'm trying to do it. You know, I'm trying to spread it out. I ain't trying to be like, I'm an ass about it, but you know, sometimes it's a delirium, but all right. Oh my goodness. The only thing is spreading out in here is Nelson's butt cheeks when he gets. So Nelson, how about you? Have dates gone good for you? You have a girlfriend or you just keep dating? Yeah, just Miss Palmer. What? Just Miss Palmer. Oh boy. Swinging a miss. How about lately? Have you gotten like late lately? Have you gotten lucky with a girl? Yeah, I've had a few ex-girlfriends hit me up for some dick appointments. Okay, what does that go down like? Well, you know, they're ex-girlfriends. What does that look like?

What is a dick appointment with Nelson Valin look like? Wow. They walk into your Miami apartment? Well, I live with my grandfather. No, no, no, I was broke. I just, this is new money. This is not old money. You live with your grand, now this is all making sense. Yes. You're like fucking Cuban Willy Wonka shit going on over here. Exactly. This guy's sleeping head to feet with his grandfather in fucking Florida. Yes, exactly. Just humidity banging, just sweating bullets. Sweating balls. Coming up with bad ideas, like I think I should get a Michael Jackson jacket. Yeah. Hold on, let me think about it. Yes. Oh, yes. Jesus Christ. What's the deal with your grandfather? I love him to death, man. We get along. I, when I quit the job, I moved in with him and we cook

and we get along. I love him. I take care of him. He takes care of me and it's great. I love it. How does he take care of you? He cooks. He used to be a chef. Oh, sweet. He makes steak sometimes, just randomly. You're like, you want a T-bone steak? I'm like, fuck, I want a T-bone steak. Fuck, yeah. That's actually pretty cool. I love my grandfather. Hell, yeah. See, I like this party, you know? It's a part that seems like human. For those of you just listening to the podcast, this guy, I mean, absolutely filled with accessories. Yes, I'm a stylist. I'm the gayest straight guy, you know? You have a chain holding your hat on, like a gold chain. Is that connected to the glasses or the hat? It's all confused. I feel like if he takes the hat off, everything comes off. The beard,

the mustache, the glasses. That was a good one. Fuck, yeah, Nelson. Well, I'll tell you what, man, we have people that come up here. This bucket's crazy. All different shapes and sizes. You are a wild fucking creature. What do you got for this guy, David Lucas? Yeah, nigga, you all bad. By the way, if you need Jays or Yeezys, I got you, dog. I'm a plug. Fuck that. You got roses on your jeans, nigga. Dog, I'm a feminine motherfucker. I like girls. No, I listen to them. The roses are to make up for the fact that his jokes stink. Your ass really needs to be committed, bro. Cool. You see this, motherfucker? You see this right here? This is going all the way back to Miami with you, my friend. How about a big hand for Nelson Bell and everybody? Come on. Come back. Do it again

sometime. Get your fucking redemption, dude. All right. Let's do a little fucking palate cleanser, okay? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you that I cannot begin to fathom how big of a deal it actually is. One more time. How many of you are longtime Kill Tony fans? All right. Now, you know you have a couple regulars coming up, but this special treat is fucking crazy. This lady that I'm about to bring up, not only is she one of the very few golden ticket winners in the history of the show, she's probably literally the hardest-hitting killer ever pulled out of the bucket in the history of Kill Tony. Does that sound exciting to you guys at all? She flew all the way from San Jose just for this. Ladies and gentlemen, Nicole Tran.

Guys, you got to make more noise than that. This is a legend. Hall of Famer, Nicole Tran. Please feel free to sing along if you know the words. Now, let's talk about my cousin Bing Bing. My cousin Bing Bing snores. She snores like this. Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing. It can be annoying and scary, especially when she's driving. Back in my country, Bing Bing was the life of the party, the communist party. Bing Bing always dreamed of winning a lottery so she can go back to Vietnam, buy our entire village, and raise the rent. Everybody wants to know about my cousin Bing Bing last name. My cousin Bing Bing last name is Bing.

But she never used it because Bing Bing Bing is too much. Bing Bing Bing sounds like a slot machine. You can keep going if you have more. You can do whatever you want right now. You can literally light the room on fire if you want. Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen. I love you, Tony. Nicole, welcome back to the show. How about a one more hand for Nicole Tran? I should have told the cat to stay away while you're up here. Absolute Kill Tony royalty, a 100% batting average on the show. Historically, very famously

sang the national anthem at Kill Tony Mania in San Francisco, our global event that we've had every year except for the old pandemic year. And here you are. You're back again. Is this your first time in Austin, Texas? My very first time, Johnny. Good for you. I love you, Johnny. I love it. When you respond to me, it takes like two seconds for me to translate my own head what you said. That way for this time. All right, got it. I love it. So Nicole, you can just hold the microphone. I don't want you to have to deal with that stupid bullshit. Made in China. You know what I mean? That mic stands garbage. I wore a march, man. So Nicole, what else have you been doing? What's the life been like? I haven't seen you in like two years. Oh man, I've been doing a lot of comedies.

Uh-huh. I've been busy dating, man. Oh, shit. I love dating blue, white, white guys. But he must have two of them. You got two blue, white, white guys? I like to date white guys. I think the robots running low on batteries right now. But he must have two of them, Johnny. Yeah. I don't date Australian separate. Oh, you like Australians as well, huh? No, Australian separate. It's a dog. He has one green eye, one blue eyes, man. Oh, you have a dog. I don't need to explain the joke to you, man. I'm a pro. Why do you make me do explain the joke to you? I love it. You famously have sang some of the most legendary songs in the history of the show. You have anything lined up for us

tonight? Suddenly, Tony. You're the best. You are the opposite of Nelson Valin. Has anyone ever told you that before? I told you. I love white guys. This is the song? That's the name of the song? And nobody say I'm a racist. I know you're not a racist, Tony. Because when you talk to me, you don't do like this. Oh my goodness. You didn't even have to do that. That didn't change anything. It changed, man. Are you going to sing a song for us? Sure, man. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, singing a song, the one, the only, Nicole Tran. Somewhere way down in Texas. Tony goes.

He promised no Asian joke. So I said, I do the show. I fly down here with Bing Bing to a but too big. She bought a seat for two. I tell her dad, Tony's so nice. I love him, but he got a wife or two could be true. Somewhere right here in Texas. My people come. They know how to catch shrimp. Bim, better than forest gum.

Wow. Nicole motherfucking Tran. Unbelievable. What else, Nicole? What else? I could spend the rest of this episode with you up here. I feel like we could go all night in this motherfucker. What else? You got any other tricks up your sleeves? Sure. What else? I love music from the 1980s, even to this day. I still answer the phone like this. He says no. Where's the cousin Bing Bing? Cold-blooded fucking killer. My God. I mean, you are the most unsuspecting fucking assassin of them all. I don't even know how to make fun of you. I don't know. Like, there's nothing up. My powers are weak

against you. You are the fucking chosen one, dude. I told you I like blue, white, white guys. That's why I come for you. I know. Hey, if this is your way of fucking getting me, you know, you might... I don't know if you understand my broken English. When's the last time you kissed a white blue-eyed guy? Five years ago. I like blonde and blue guys. Blonde and blue eyes, guys. Wait, where did this blonde fucking guy come from? This piece of shit. Get away from my lady. I love it. Nicole, you are an absolute fucking legend. Is there anything else we need to cover or that I should ask you or anything? Are we good? Do you have fun here tonight? Absolutely.

Thank you very much for inviting me. Come on, people. Make some fucking noise for Nicole Tran, everybody. As a professional comics and a true dear friend of Tony, I have a very sincere personality. I thank you, Tony shows. Tony has invited a lot of comedians, artists, singers, people from diverse cultures. So I really respect Tony. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, I really wish you would have said that on Twitter about two months ago, but I'll take it here. I'll take it now. Sure. Okay. I didn't have the money to buy a plane ticket, man. And by the way, I don't have a green car. So please do not tell anybody that you saw me here tonight. Come on. It's Nicole Tran, everybody. Nicole, you are the very best. If I could give

you a thousand of those, I would. You're unbelievable. Come on, people. One more time for Nicole Tran. She flew all the way here from San Jose for this. God, I love her, Tony. She is unbelievable. I have a real eye for talent. And she drew me and Tony beautiful pictures. She's incredible at drawing. Make sure you follow her at Nicole. What's your social media? Where'd she go? She's gone. Just type in Tran. I'm sure there's not many. She just fell to her death, everybody. She's gone now. All right. Let's see who can follow that. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. Anything can add. You guys having fun out there? All right. Make some noise for Zach Silverman, everybody. Zach Silverman is next on Kill Tony, live in Austin, Texas. We're having fun here tonight.

It's a beautiful evening. The weather's nice and calm. Here he is. One more time for Zach Silverman, everyone. I saw a meme on Facebook the other day. It said, fight like a girl. And I had a big picture of Wonder Woman, Supergirl, and Arya Stark. And I was like, hell yeah. Nothing says feminism, quite like three badass chicks invented by men. Which I don't think that's fair, right? Because women have real problems. So they should have real heroes. Women have real problems. Like, they only make 77% as much money as men make. So they should have real heroes like Amelia Earhart, who flew 77% of the Atlantic Ocean. Hey, that joke landed better than Amelia.

Who said too soon? You don't even know what year that happened. Like, it could have been before the World War II. You have no idea. It's Amelia Earhart. All right. Yeah, Zach Silverman coming in laying it down. Medians are doing good tonight. Welcome to the show, Zach. Thanks. It's your first time here, right? Second. Okay, you were in it, Antones? Yeah, Shane Gillis was the hook. Okay, very cool. Awesome. What'd we figure out there? What'd we find out about you? My dad's a Jew. Oh, no, we know that. Yeah, we can talk. Either you're Jewish or you just got electrocuted before coming on stage tonight. The last name is Silverman, awesome. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Good hint. Good hint. Definitely. Learned to play rugby in college. I did that. Okay. All right, Zach. What else? How long have you been on stand-up? About two and a half years. What do you do for work? I do digital marketing. Oh, wow. I know, yeah. Still Jewish, huh? Yeah. All right, very cool. So, Zach, what's been going on since the last time we saw you? What's been happening in life? I wrote a bull a couple of weeks ago. You wrote a what? A bull? A real bull? A real bull. Oh my god, a Jewish guy on a bull. Was it the one on Wall Street? Yeah, right. That's great. That's a quick fucking great joke right there. Sometimes even I'm like, whoa, you're really good at this, dude. Holy shit. That's hilarious. All right,

where did you write this bull at? It's like about an hour north, little past Georgetown. Right around Fredericksburg. Very cool. I know the area very well here. All I do is drive around in my brand new Chevy Silverado. You know what I'm saying? All right. So, you wrote a bull. How'd that go for you? It was good. It was, you know, you practice on the mechanical bull and they teach you how to do it. And I was like pretty good at that. So, I got a little cocky and then I last like two seconds on the real bull. Right. This is a real bull. Right. Right. Okay. Yeah, it was a real bull. We get it, dude. Yeah, yeah. Okay, what's your love life like? Broke up with my girlfriend before I moved to Austin and then on a bunch of dates. Yeah, how are the dates going?

Oh, shitty. I had a date two weeks ago. Lady, I recommended Hopdotties, great place. She recommended this soup and salad place. I was like, whatever. It's like $25 salads. She's talking about the price already. Jesus Christ. Brian, have you ever eaten a salad? I don't know. Oh, look at that. Zack Silverman taking shots at Red Band. Yeah, and I paid for you, bitch. Oh, shit. Well, this lady didn't and I didn't even get thanked. It was a hundred dollar bill for four drinks and two salads. I don't even get a thanks for dinner. Oh, that was it? Yeah. Didn't even give you a kiss or anything? No, no, not even a verbal. Have you kissed a Texas girl since being here? Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, boring. My goodness. How about sex? Have you had sex with a Texas girl? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Did that last two seconds as well? Yeah. Damn. This is four. Okay. Very good. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? You seem like a little shy guy. I can't really picture you going in there and taking control, really throwing somebody up against a wall and teaching them who's a fucking boss, right? You seem like the kind of guy that would be missionary position and be like, I can't believe how much those salads were earlier. Wow. Am I right about this? I got a little strength there, you know. What's your special move in the bedroom? Is there anything you do? Having a giant cock, that helps. Really? Is that true? No, not really. It's like average. Yeah. Okay. All right. You have any special skills or

talents? You good at anything other than comedy? I mean, comedy is kind of the thing I do most time with, but I'm really good at riding bowls, I guess. What else? What do you like to do for fun? I go to the gym a lot and lift weights. What do you do at the gym? You lift weights at the gym? Really? Yeah. How many of you want Zach to take off his shirt and show us his body? This guy's bragging. He could have said anything in the world. I thought you never asked. Oh, shit, dude. That's sort of what I thought was going to happen there. It's not that. This is weird. How often do you go to the gym and lift weights? Four or five times a week. You get your money's worth from that gym membership. What's the star underneath your belly button? I got a hernia

from deadlifting 400 pounds. Wow. Wow. You deadlifted David Lucas? I deadlifted David Lucas. You got the titties of the girls R. Kelly had sex with. I believe in love and pride. I believe in love and pride. Can I put this back on? It's just going to be the whole thing. No, you have to leave it off now. Okay, that's fine. Yeah, bro, you look like. You look like you have a tattoo of chest hair on your chest. Yeah. He looks like the original Incredible Hulk. That's pretty good. That face. You got to be older. This is for Igno, man. This is. The Incredible Hulk. He has good credit. I do. I have great credit. I have great credit. I bet you do, Zach Silverman. What else? You could put your shirt back on. Oh,

thank you. Yeah. There you go. Put it back on. Are you sure? No belt wearing fucking Haynes. This guy dresses like a giant seven-year-old over here. Zach, what else would we be surprised to know about you and your life? There must be something like an interesting with your family or something like that. My mom has been like sick my whole life. She's like chronic Lyme disease. Oh, yeah. Yep. Okay. So kind of. Well, when life gives you Lyme's. Yeah. Make Lyme's. You know what I mean? Lyme's, everybody. Keeping it on. Disease. A place is in a, a place is in a scurry right now. Garble, garble, garble, garble, garble. We brought Vulcan to a complete garble. I love it. See, our mom's got Lyme disease. Yeah. All right. So what are most of her symptoms like?

Well, it's like a, she's had like a really bad flu and like achy joints for like 15 years. Jesus. That sucks. Good lord. She had like. She's very sour. Yeah. She's very sweet lady. She's a very nice lady, David. She goes good with a margarita. Yeah. All right. Lyme jokes, everybody, but those of you that forgot the diseases, that of a Lyme disease. So she's got bit by a tick. What's up? She got bit by a tick. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dear. My goodness. Jokes. It's a joke. It's just jokes, people. You got to write that down? No, I don't need to. I don't need to. I just get rid of them. They're disposable to me. You can have it though. Oh, thanks. You can do that. You can do all these Lyme jokes about your mother. You make fun of all

the other women in the world. Why not be fun of your mom? Amelia Earhart, innocent victim of the aviation industry. Is there no cure for it or is it? Uh, not really. No. If you catch it early, then you can get, just like take antibiotics for a while. But I'm sure stem cells could probably do something, but those cost money. Yikes. Well, my mom's not a Jew. Oh, she's not. What is she? Protestant or something? Oh, just a white lady. Yeah. Yeah. God damn. Man. D madness. What in the world would that noise even mean there? Why would her being a white lady need a predator noise? Yeah. Necessary. I don't know what's just whole thing is necessary. I literally can't get mad at anything D madness does. It's hilarious. It's like the opposite of the old band. I'll just let him do

whatever he wants. You got to hear this fucking guy sing. That was incredible earlier, D madness. Thank you. Two and a half years, right? Yeah. Two and a half years at stand-up comedy. Very good though, man. Rock solid set. Very much fun. I'm running out of big joke books, but I'm going to keep handing them out. Here he goes. Zach Silverman, everybody. On to the next one we go. Let's do another special treat, everybody. Regular on kill Tony. You know him. You love him. This is a fucking monster, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute every week. It's the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. Live in the flesh. It's the real William Montgomery, everybody.

Hell no. I ain't getting on that damn boat. That's an impression of a movie I'm working on about the only black lady on the Titanic. Hell no. I ain't getting on that damn boat. I feel like Pepsi comes out with a new flavor every month. Maybe they should come out with one called Coke. The fact that they haven't put a whole bunch of homeless people in one house and filmed it is absolutely insane. You wouldn't even have to vote them off the show. Eventually, over the course of a season, they would get tired of the support and structure and end up sleeping back in their shopping carts. Let me finish it with this. Sarah Hendricks, nine years old,

St. Marco, Texas. Red Fort, Taurus. Free breadsticks at Buca de Pepe with good breadsticks at checkout. William Montgomery, a real rock star. Born and built and bred here on kill Tony, always a fucking stellar minute. A couple of my favorite jokes I've heard in a long time here tonight. A Titanic joke, man. Very, very fun. That is as William Montgomery as it gets. William does things differently. He does his impression and then says who he does an impression of. A William Montgomery staple. How's life going, William? You're sober now. What's it been a month or two? You're killing it? Yeah, it's been almost 50 days. It's fucking horribly boring. It's awful. I wanted to drink real bad yesterday, but I didn't. I was just going to say I was hanging out with

him yesterday and you were a little bit tempted. I had to give you a little baby pep talk there. I was. I ended up drinking five Red Bulls and thinking I was going to have a heart attack. I'm drinking the Red Bulls now like I was beer. Have you broken to your emergency cocaine yet? What the fuck did you just say? Why'd you bring that up? Why would you fucking bring that up? Just talked about it last episode. No, I fucking didn't. There you go. All right. Well, I didn't. No, I still have it though. I'm waiting for a rainy day. I totally still have a bag of cocaine. You say you're waiting for a rainy day? I am. It might rain tomorrow, I think. Yeah, that's a fucking... I don't know if you've looked at the

forecast here, but it turns out we live in hell, everybody. I don't know what this Texas weather is, but I got here and there's a fucking blizzard and then pretty much every rain every day and then sometimes it's 115 degrees and then it becomes 125 for no reason for like 20 minutes and then back to one. It's horrible. This is miserable out here. This is bullshit. I got ripped off. Everybody lied to me. Hey, move to Texas. It's fucking great here. Red Band loves it because he just stays indoors in the air conditioning all day. It's great. He's like, I was outside in virtual reality today. It was beautiful. You tell me you had no idea that about the Texas heat. You've been here every month. Yeah, I've been here. Dude, the fucking whatever is happening with the globe is not good for sure. Like that

blizzard thing in which every Texan is like, this ain't happening in 300 years. Or the hail storm. Bullshit. Everything is horrible here. I bet fucking Red Band just sits around in his fucking house. Hell yeah, I do. My God. But I will say this, the weather as shitty as it is on a daily basis. I will say that even though California is literally basically like living inside of a movie studio, I still prefer it here in Austin, Texas. I mean, I love Austin. Clearly by the weather, you could tell God hates Austin, but I love it. God hates it, but I love it. I love the rain. Of course you do. Yeah. How are you doing, David? Uh-oh. Look at these two. What are you doing? What's up, baby? Not nice to see you. Chilling, man. Good to see you,

bro. Saw you out yesterday. We ate some barbecue and shit. We did. It was pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. I made sure you didn't have no drink. I know. I appreciate it. I made sure you had no drink. I was going to slap it out your hand. I appreciate it. William, not giving into the temptation. How have you been staying sober other than drinking Red Bulls? Like, what else have you been doing? Meditate or something? I have a game on my phone called Balloons Tower Defense 6, and it's currently... Give it up for balloons, y'all. Wow. It's currently a collection event, so I have been playing literally, I think, 11 hours every day. Yeah, that's crazy. You've been addicted to that game for a while, man. Yeah, no, I'm literally, I'm addicted to it now. Are you

paying for it? Is there microtransactions there? Are you? No, at just a one time... What do you do with the balloons? What's the game? What do you do? You set up little monkeys, and then they, and then balloons go across the track. It's tower defense. And then the monkeys will pop the balloons going across the track. Holy shit, dude. It's exciting. It is very exciting. You're like a little fucking zookeeper out there. By the way, I went to the Austin Zoo for the first time ever. Oh, what? There's a zoo here? By the way, yeah, I'm working... I'm gonna end up in my stand-up act, for sure. I don't know if you guys have visited this Austin Zoo before, but it's basically like Tiger King Live, but with like the saddest, thirstiest animals you've ever seen in your entire life.

If you just want to see... Is it like LA? If you want to see a sat... No, it's nothing like LA. LA Zoo is pretty bad, though. No, no. The LA Zoo is fucking heaven compared to what these animals are dealing with. These animals are all sweating. Like, I've never seen... I've never seen a lion sweat until I went to the Austin Zoo. It is literally the saddest thing you've ever seen in your life. But you know how zoos are? You're like, you're daydreaming at a sweating lion, and you're like, oh, this is so sad. And then next thing you know, you're like, oh, look, a bear. And then you just run away. So by the end, you're like, just ADD distracted enough to think that you had a good time, but it's really depressing. They have one nice lady that works there right at the front

and makes you feel all jolly. Like, oh, I'm so glad you're here to see the animals and support. And then you go in there and you're like, oh, they have that lady running the fucking con. Is it a small... Like super small zoo? It's not. It's a big zoo of thirsty animals. Literally, the parrots were like, water, water, water. Everyone's just dying of thirst. Every animal knows how to say water in some way. The first thing we saw, I swear to God, there was a monkey with a cold rag on its head. I'm not kidding. It took the rag, it dipped it in water, and it put it like the monkeys know that they're in hell. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. You gotta go check out this zoo. It's like fucking five bucks. It's nothing. They're not doing anything

with the money. They're not even giving the animals water. It's unbelievable. If you're into thirsty animals, come to the Austin Zoo. All right. Speaking of which, got this fucking orangutan up here still. Look at this fucking guy. William, you are truly one of my favorite comedians of all time. Kill Tony or non-Kill Tony related. I absolutely love you. It's so much fun to watch you perform a new minute every week. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, William Montgomery. Two, three, four. Yeah. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Oh, wow. You guys are in for a very special treat right now, ladies and gentlemen. This guy all the way

from Canada was here last week, and he's going to perform again straight out of the bucket. Look at this. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the current Canadian West Coast Roast Battle Champion and another Kill Tony legend. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only Sam Walker, everybody. Come on. Yeah, make some noise for Sam, everybody. I like that, too. People ask me what I do. The answer to that is whatever it takes. Oh. The accomplishments in life that I am most proud of, I don't write down on a resume. And if you want me to pee into a cup, well, you better be paying me to drink it. Wow. Yeah. Because the jobs I do, they don't pay by the hour. And if I do take an hour, well,

I'm doing it wrong. 20 gets you choppy, 40 gets you funsy, see me out back after the show for some happy days. Wow. Fuck yeah, Sam Walker, ladies and gentlemen. This guy we found out last week escaped Canada to be here. He's famous for his appearances on Calgary Canada Kill Tony episodes. We're back in the day when we used to be able to travel and tour to the great country up north, the former great country up north. Now it's just a country up north. It's probably our, we're going to do a Kill Tony in Mexico before we go back to Canada, the way they're handling this pandemic. But Cabo, let's go. Sam Walker. Well, how about one more time for Sam Walker, everybody? This is a real, this guy's Canadian, but I'm telling you, this is another guy that was at

our little July 4th fucking parade yesterday, having a blast. You would have thought he was straight American, blended right in with the rest of us. Sam, how's it going? How's your stay here in the greatest country that the world has ever known? Oh man, I'm calling this the fucking Texas tornado holiday, man. Oh yeah? We've been hitting every fucking mic in 20 miles from here, tearing it up. It's been the time of my life. Wow, look at that. I love that, Sam. You're having fun, you're rocking your roast battle championship belt. He is the west coast of Canada that's very specific now, but the Canadian west coast roast battle champion. Yeah, and that's becoming a problem because when you're the champion, everybody's coming at you. Well, Sam, I don't know if you

know who's sitting next to me right now, but this is the... This is David. David, what do you think about Sam? This is David's first time ever seeing Sam Walker. Yeah, hit me with a roast joke, let's see what you got. Oh shit, he's going to let you get a free one. This is like when you're watching two guys about to fight and the first guy's like, just fucking hit me. Just punch me right in the face. David thinks he can just take it. Let's see what happens here. Sam Walker loading up. David Pukus. David Pukus. You make me fucking sick. We all know you're not vaccinated because the doctor David goes to has a bone through his nose and his cure for AIDS is raping a baby. That's how it's got to be, isn't it? Lord, that's cold. It's a different type of style on the west

coast to Canada. Fucking long setups and fucking deep follow through right there. David Pukus, what do you think about this guy? Well, you look like a gay snake wrangler. See Lance quick. Do another one. Do another one. Yeah, I look like a lot of things. Oh shit. He takes the air right out of that shit. Look at this guy's cold fucking blooded. This guy's used to the snowy tundra. These guys north of the wall are scary. This is like Game of Thrones. These guys come. Winter is coming. Yeah, how far do you want to take this? Oh shit, dude. Oh my god. Hell yeah, it's fucking it's tricky to roast a guy that dresses like all the village people mixed together. It is. It gets tricky, owns it, he never even cracks a smile.

I don't know if he's ever smiled his entire life. Some people say that when he was a baby, he would just not smile. Stupid. Hanging out that zoom. Not all home runs, you know what I mean? I love this though. Where do you get something like that for your arm for your bicep? I might need one of those for the bedroom, you know what I'm talking about? I had this custom made from my leather guy up in Canada, Crotown fucking made my glove, walker, and a fucking replica Freddie Mercury, Wembley Stadium motherfucking armband. Wow. Damn. Anytime I do anything like Freddie Mercury, all my buddies make fun of me. I can't pull that shit off. You can do it though, Sam. Voice coach. So I love it. Your stay here in

Texas has been good? Yeah, man. It's life is but a dream here, man, and it's only a day at a time, and I'm soaking in every second, and it's so nice to see real fucking people. I love it. I love it. David, you got anything else for this fucking? Yeah, you look like you got beat up by some hot topic employees. This is a one-of-a-kind shirt from Comedy Monday Night, the premier open mic in Canada, longest running of all time, where I did my very first five-minute set that got me fucking here. And here's the receipt, David. The guitar player lost his eyes, but you're gonna lose your feet. Wait a second. Wait a second. D-Madness did not lose his eyes, Sam. He didn't, like, leave them somewhere or anything like that. They just don't work.

They're still here. They just don't fucking work. But the rest of me works just fine. Thank you. Goddamn right. Goddamn right. The voice, the fingers, I'm sure the cock works. I'm positive of it. That's a good time for the noise. That's a good callback right there. Hey, you look like Joe Exotic Side-nigger. David Lucas. Look at that. He's just getting started. So weak. So weak. Hit me with the fucking you look like. You look like. That's a rose. That's a rose style. Get your marble cigarette smoking ass up out of here. I only smoke fucking menthols because they're illegal in Canada, so I'm chaining them like a motherfucker. Yeah. You look like an unemployed plumber.

An unemployed what? Plumber. That's true. He does, he literally, that's not even a rose joke. That's just an actual fact. He does look like an unemployed plumber. You know how much a fucking plumber makes? I'll tell you. They make a lot of money, especially if you're David Lucas or Red Band's plumber. These guys are like brain surgeons. Sam, I mean, I absolutely fucking love you, man. We're going to keep the show rolling. Wait, you know what? I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday if you could do it. Oh shit. Canada's own. You guys celebrate Thursdays up in Canada, right? You goddamn right we do. But before I leave, because I'm not getting the respect I deserve across the country back in Canada, I want you to officially sanction the West

Coast title and I'd like you to autograph it so that I could go back up there and put it in everybody's fucking face because roast battles are the last free expression we have up there to say nasty shit to one another. Alright, I'll sign your fucking belt. Which part do you want me to sign? We're at, oh the inside like a real fucking pussy. You're going to show them the inside of your belt. These people want me to sign the outside though. You hear that? Oh, you have a bunch of Canadian signatures over there? Here, I'll sign it right fucking here. Right here. Alright, let's do it like this. Let's do it so that it makes sense. If I'm going to sign it, I'm going to sign it fucking right. This is the Canadian West Coast championship belt officially

endorsed by American Roast Lord Tony Henchcliffe. There you go. I always take it easy on Sam though. I don't like roasting Sam because the conversion rate of Canada to America jokes, it's different. The OG Roast God has spoken. Thank you very much, Austin. Sam Walker everybody. Yeah. Make sure you follow Sam Walker on social media at Sam Walker Live. So fucking great. Let's get a regular, let's get a bucket pool out of here. Do you have a female? Let's wait one more. Let's see if it doesn't happen organically. We're hoping for a lady here but the ratio, woman to man ratio. Oh my goodness. See how cool this bucketist does. Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny young lady. She's been on the show before. Make some noise for Gina Hyena everybody.

Gina motherfucking Hyena is in the house. One more time. Gina Hyena. What up? I'm single. You're welcome. I think I'm still single because I'm really into alpha guys. Don't know if anybody's looked around lately. A lot of soft hands. A lot of soft hands in Austin, Texas. Oh yeah, one word car heart until it's time to do car heart shit. Yeah, no calluses around here. No, there's a lot of male feminists now and I can't see on that energy. I can't see this all like, oh, we're equals. I'm an ally. I'm like, bro, we're not equals. Like if I start masturbating on the bus, people are going to throw money at me. You try it. It's going to be handcuffs for you. No, I just can't date all fucking nerds in Austin

because like, listen, I'm not, I'm not going to be ashamed if you come on my face. I want to be pretty fucking embarrassed if you come on my face and then you leave on a bird scooter. Thank you. Boom. Gina Hyena with a minute. Welcome back to the show, Gina. Hey, thanks. Hell yeah, welcome, welcome. You have been on the show before. Yes, sir. How long have you been on stand-up? About 18 months. What do you do for work? Pharmaceutical sales. Okay. Anti-depressants. Okay. Selling like hotcakes this year. Absolutely. They really are. Definitely, Gina. How's stand-up being going in town? Great. It's been awesome here. I love the crowds here. Y'all are fucking great. I get away with more here. They're much more laid back. New York, it's very like clutched their

pearls, like very fucking nervous. For sure. They don't even have pearls to clutch down here in Texas. They fucking clutch their little rosaries or whatever it is. Gina, what else? What do you even do them for fun? You've lived in Austin now for a few months, right? No, so I'm in New York, so I come back every six weeks like a fucking cold sore. But we kind of talked about this. I lived here for three years. I was here before y'all. Saw that coming and then I lost my job because I used to work in MedDevice, but I was also a webcam girl at night. Red Band. Just put the microphone down. Focus on sound effects for a few minutes here. Your input, your verbal input, it doesn't really help the show in the last hour ever, historically.

Disgusting. Yeah, so no, the only job offer I had was back in New York during like the middle of the fucking pandemic, which was horrible. Okay, we'll run a second. Let's just talk about this cam girl situation for a second here. Like what kind of stuff would you do on the cam? Honestly, I was really fucking annoying because I'd work out bits, which I'm sure guys actually were so lonely that they were into. But I had like a tip menu. So I was on chatterbait. So it was like half the webcam, half I love that. Red Band's like, yes. Just ignore Red Band through this talk or else we're never going to get anywhere. There's a lot he's going to be doing over here. Yeah. And the other half was like a chat room. So like I would just like work out bits. But then

like if I had a tip menu, if you like paid me enough, I would like flash it or like maybe a little flash like what's the what's the wildest thing you ever did? Anybody ever tip you like? I mean, my friend did a live show. Yeah, you like a like a guy. Yeah, you guys did like a yeah, former UT player. Whoa. Did he have a long horn? Yeah. Yeah, sure did. Yeah. Yeah. So what you guys do, you like gave him a BJ or something like that? Sure did. And then you guys had natural organic American sex? No, we just the just the BJ. Wow. Yeah, I'm a giver. Red Band loves that. Red Band pays extra for BJs only. As long as there's a dick in it, he'll fucking make it rain. That's your videos, man. I hate BJ videos. So I also love like my dad, like me and my dad's thing

was watching comedy when I was younger. And so like the last time I was on this, like I had to explain what Kill Tony was and I was like, don't watch it. Because he has no idea about the whole why I got fired thing. I was like, I just miss New York. Oh, you got fired because you were on a webcam? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Yeah, it wasn't like I was like masturbating in the OR. Look at that. One blowjob, you lose your actual job. Yeah. It's incredible. How much money were you making doing this? I'm so fucking stupid. I just blew it all on sneakers. Like you blew it. All right. I love it. Sejina. You still do it? No, I got spooked because like everything people recorded my stuff. So it like kind of spiderweb, then it went all over. And now I'm telling you all that

you can find videos of me online. What was your screen? Uh-oh. Red Band looks like Red Band's going to be busy for the next seven minutes, everybody. What was your screen name when you did it? Gina Hyena. Wow. She went by her actual name, everyone. Very, very exciting. Gina Hyena. Yep. I love it. So Gina, how's a life been, how's dating life been here in Austin, Texas for you? Do you not do it or do you do it? I don't really, I don't do it here a lot because it's just, I just like, like I said, alpha guys, but I'm, you like alpha guys. I'm bad with dating, so I just have a guy at fuck on Tuesdays. Wait, what? You're bad at dating, so you have a guy? I just fuck a guy on Tuesdays. You're in Austin? No, in New York. Yeah, I won't let him sleep over. He brings a backpack

over and I'm just like, don't forget your backpack. Yeah, because he's really big, he's super hot, but he lives at home with his parents. Oh, okay. 41. So if you picture like... I know what that's like. A guy that lives with his parents is always lame. A guy that lives with his grandpa, I mean, that's a whole nother level though. That's the last thing you want right there. Oh, it's good, he cooks for me. Yeah. He'd be fucking, you'd be bringing your work home with you, giving that guy antidepressants all day. Absolutely. Okay, get that out of here, Red Band. You're out of control. Red Band's literally trying to pull up your previous work. Get it off the screen, Red Band. Jesus Christ, you are unbelievable. Very nice. Gina, what's your favorite thing about Texas?

I like how there's dogs everywhere, so lame. I just like that you can bring a dog fucking anywhere and you see one. And there's no bullshit, like the whole no bullshit, H-E-B. Yeah. Like live music. All the good shit. Yeah, I just like the people's attitudes here, just like they're actual people, which is nice. Yeah. That's what I like about Texas is why I'm back all the time. Gina, you're always hilarious. We always have so much fun with you here. Absolutely incredible job, as always. I would love to have you Thursday, that's a secret show. I can't see it, but she smells good. Yeah, say your Instagram. That's a fair thing to say from a blind person.

Even D-Madness wants to fuck you, Gina. It's incredible. He has no idea what a webcam is. He has no idea what a chatterbait is, but D-Madness says that you smell good. He can literally smell you. They have strong senses over there. I got the worst eyes, but that's okay. If I could make the noise that he makes right now, I would, but that is absolutely incredible. Gina, what's your Instagram? Eggs and hot sauce. The letter N, I see it here. Eggs and hot sauce. All one word, eggs and hot sauce. Why is it eggs and hot sauce? Why is that? I eat it every damn day. Wow. Look at that. Absolutely. Well, Gina, here's a big joke book for you to take back to New York City. Gina Hyena, everybody. Thank you. All right. We're having fun here.

Hey, you guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? All right. Let's see what happens here. Let's see if we can't figure out something chaotic to fucking bring us home to. Let's get someone out of here. Let's figure this out. All right. Make some noise for Camden Pace, ladies and gentlemen. Camden Pace. Camden Pace. All right. This guy looks like he has a good spirit. Come on, make some noise for Camden Pace, everybody. Hey, everybody. You know, I'm an old man, and I'm at that age where if I say I got chest pains, I get people's attention. I got admitted to a hospital last month. No joke. I had to drive myself to the emergency room for a small bowel blockage. And I don't know if anybody's ever had that, but imagine your worst stomach

cramps on volcanic fire. It's the most god-awful feeling in the world. And I'm running red lights just praying to everybody. Good luck. And I get to the hospital. I pull up on the curb, and I get out, and I'm holding my guts, not knowing what's going on with me. I mean, I'm spitting up junk. It's worse than being waterboarded by dirty pussy. It's horrible. And I am burning. I'm on fire. And I see this other guy, he comes up, and he's screaming and crying and holding his back. He said, I got a kidney stone. I got a kidney stone. He runs in there, and we're in there, and we look at each other, and we had that understanding. It's a death race. And really, we're swapping paint. We're swapping paint going down through the whole thing.

The lady says, you need masks. We said, fuck that. He says, I got a kidney stone, and I upstage and went, I got chest pains. They put me in the wheelchair and wheeled me out. I was like, bye. Hell yeah. Camden Pace up here, working it out. Camden, welcome to the show. How long have you been on stand-up? Stand-up, two years now. Two years July. Here in Austin, Texas? No, out in LA. Okay. Did we meet you there? I've been on your show twice out at the comedy school. In Los Angeles, right? Okay, I remember that. Fuck yeah. We did it once the first time. It was, I just moved out there, and you were telling me, you were asking me if I'd fuck you. If I had what? Yeah. If I asked you. Yeah, I was wearing a nice little denim outfit,

and you said, you are a cute country Georgia boy. Would you fuck me? And I said, I would make you squeal like a pig. Really? I asked, are you gay? Huh? You're gay? No. I just randomly asked you if you would fuck me. You literally did that. It's always been hilarious. It's incredible how funny I've always been. It's on episode 375 with Dane Cook. Dane Cook was the guest, episode 375. No, I love you, Tony. I've had a great experience out there, been on your show. Remind us more of what's interesting about you. You have any special skills or talents or anything like that? You ever sing or dance or fucking, you know how to like jump rope or something like that? Let's see. Well, I know a little bit about, well, last time we spoke, I think you told me to

maybe concentrate more on what a dumbass criminal I was. Oh, that's right. You were a big criminal. I remember. Yeah, I did 10 years in federal prison for armed bank robbery. Oh my god, armed bank robbery, ladies and gentlemen. These are the type of people that get pulled out of the bucket here on Kill Tony. 10 years. 10 years in the feds. And let me tell you how humbling it is to go into a bank and say, give me the money. And a little old lady goes, no. You know, you don't really want to hurt anybody. You just want to get the money and get the fuck out, right? I know how that is. And it's like, yeah, I'm not tough. I just, that was 10 years. Did you smack her? No, I didn't do anything. She scared me.

That's incredible. 10 years. And I never would have guessed that about you. You look like you did 10 years as the head coach of the Green Bay Packers or something like that. Not federal prison. What are we at here with this? But yeah, I was a dumbass when I was younger. Yeah. Really? What do you do for fun now? You have any new hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that builds like small locomotive things, right? No, I'm losing my ass trading cryptocurrency, if you want to know the truth. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, it's been, it's, yeah, I actually reported the Winklevi to the security and exchange commission. For those of you don't know, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, they got the Gemini trade and exchange. And they're

cheap. They're cheating fucking bastards. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm putting it out there now. The Winklevi are fucking criminals. They're crooks. Camden, how big is your belly button? I want to see if I can make this small jokebook inside of your, lift up your shirt a little bit. I want to see if I can, you seem like you have a big belly button. No. Lift it up. You don't? He's nervous about your belly button. Are you shy about your belly button? I'm shy. What a faggot you are. That's a word I can say you piece of shit. I can say that word because I get called it all the time. Camden, very, very interesting stuff. Man, come back. Tell us a new minute sometime. You're going to figure this shit out. Okay. How old are you?

I am 52 years young. And you just started stand up a couple of years ago. Do you love doing it? I really love doing stand up. You love the camaraderie. You love performing. You feel like you're getting better sometimes? I feel like I'm not pissing as many people off as I was in the beginning. There you go. And I didn't fall for that. I didn't say the word. You didn't say the word and you didn't let me shoot a jokebook in your belly button. You did a good job tonight. There he goes. Camden Pace, everybody. He's on social media at Real Camden Pace. There you go. Absolutely. Always a pleasure. Camden Pace, everybody. All right. What are we? What are we? What are we? What time do we start? 8.15, right? 8.15, 1.45, 1.35, right? 8.15. We're almost at 2 hours. 1.40.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, here to close out tonight's show, we have a regular everybody who is a monster. Over two decades of experience in Second City in Chicago, found out that he got ALS, so decided to chase his lifelong dream of being a stand-up comedian. Ever since then, he literally kills harder than everybody every single week with Lou Gehrig's disease. This man is killing and dying at the same damn time. I present to you one of the greatest things to ever grace a Kill Tony stage. This is the regular that everyone loves, the undeniable, the great Michael Lehrer, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. He's rolling extra slow tonight.

The great and powerful Michael Lehrer. Good. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for the great Michael Lehrer, everybody. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, someone let Michael drink before the show, everybody. How exciting. Hand him the microphone. David, just hand him the mic. Okay. All right. Hey, door guys, come back to the stage, just in case he accidentally hits reverse again. We're going to reset this just right. This is going to be another edit point on this episode here, everybody. No one's going to want to see the part where Michael almost backs

up off the stage. Oh, shit. Fuck yeah. Got a leg stuck in a wheel. Where the hell is Collette tonight? Where's Collette when you need her? Oh, shit. Michael's on one of his tears. I can just tell. Oh, man. Whoa, wrong way. Michael Lehrer has to go first from now on, I think. Okay, yeah, for sure. Yeah, just hand him the microphone. Oh, God. All right. This is the action part of the comedy show. Come on, ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Michael Lehrer. USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA.

Happy July 4th, y'all. Why is that calling in Chicago, hunting season? Hi, man. You know what? What we learned on the birth in America is that all people are created equal. That's why the person bringing you your drink, then not your server, then the heaviest not your waitress, she's your conversation hostage or pretend friend. Now, I took a shit last night that was so good this morning I ascended roses. Seriously, this shit changed my life so much that before I flushed it, I had to agree that I'm a money. For real, if there is what both fucking fears like, I can only imagine what

they fears like to have about forcing. Now, we're on the birth of America and we had our first transgender athlete in the Olympics. No, and also our first Miss America contestant who is transgender. Obviously, from Nevada, because Los Vegas is where Ticks with Dicks was founded. I've been watching the Olympic trials and I like track and film. To be a big time track and film female athlete, you need dissemination, discipline, and itty bitty titties. No, thank you, Brian. We are in Texas where there is not one chain of restaurants like Hooters. There are at least three chains of restaurants. There are Hooters, Twin Peaks, and Bombshells.

With this is the most athletic state in the union, Texas girls have big knockers. We need a separate track and field event where ladies wear big knockers. Fuck yeah, Michael Laird, ladies and gentlemen. Have a standing ovation in this room. Look at this shit. Michael, you seem like you're not happy with that performance, but it was great. Oh, thank you. I hold myself to a very high bar. Seems like the only bar you were holding yourself to tonight is the one here at Balkan Gas Company. Set me up for that one. This guy, the cops almost came in here and gave you a DUI for your

performance before you sat. I've never seen anyone stage dive in a wheelchair before, but that shit was about to be baller. It's fucked, dude. But no, Michael, you're an absolute killer, an absolute assassin, always so much fun. Thank you. Have you really been watching the Olympics? Yeah. That's going on right now? Oh, yeah. Oh, I have a joke I forgot. May I? Yeah, of course. My favorite event, I don't know the name, but there's a bunch of Amy Schumer personators,

and they pretend to be cannons. They pretend to be what? It's, uh, what? I don't even know what you're saying, and it's still hilarious. Bunch of Amy, I believe you're talking about discus or something like that, right? If they look like- No, like, I talked about the Olympians with the Edie Bitty titties, but in the other realm of track and field, it's all hogs. Fat-ass white girls.

Oh, yeah. The Amy Schumer looking like a boss. I don't know if I'd really consider Amy Schumer a pog. I think she's more of a hog. You know what I mean? Like, uh, it's a different thing. You gotta have, like, different- There's a difference between pog and just being a fucking- Yeah. Thank you. I don't even have to say the word. Sometimes the sound effects help us all. I love it. So Michael, what else is going on? Anything else? You're living on Rainey Street,

living your best life? Yeah, I stopped partying Schumer. You stopped partying so much? It really doesn't seem like it tonight. What the fuck are you talking about? The funny thing about Michael's disease is you can't tell where the disease starts and his alcoholism ends. He's a real rock star, this fucking guy. This could be anything. Is Colette here with you tonight?

Yeah. She is. You've been drinking a little bit, right? Why, party? Oh, really? Have you been back into the, uh, have you been back into the fucking, uh, the party drugs? Well, I'll tell you this. My disease is progressing faster. Oh, this is a yes. I already know the answer to this. Anytime he starts boo-hooing about how horrible the disease he has,

that means he's been doing cocaine, ladies and gentlemen. Let me tell you something. You'll never understand how horrible this disease is. All I've been doing is blow and playing poker for the last three days straight. Michael Lair is a goddamn godsend. He literally has the worst disease ever created by the devil and somehow manages to fucking just barely, obviously, get his ass up here and fucking have fun on a real live podcast. Everybody loves him. It's Michael Lair, everybody. And that is tonight's episode of Kill Tony, everyone. Michael Lair is found at MichaelLairComedy.com. That's a, that's a real standing ovation.

Yoni, where are you? Are you getting this? There he is. Fuck yeah, get that shit, Yoni. That's a real standing o for a man who never stands for anyone. Michael Lair. An amazing drawing from the great Ryan J. Ebel. Look at this, David. Stop chasing puss for a second. Look at this drawing. Absolutely. David's buying it. Let's check out the art from Chris Rogers tonight. He drew this while you were all sitting there doing absolutely nothing. Chris Rogers' art on social media. Here it comes. That's it. That is it.

Chris Rogers' art. RyanJEbel.com for everything Ryan J. Ebel, including the new bingo cards. How about a hand for the great David Lucas, everybody, joining us all night tonight. Go subscribe to the Fat Pessimists. David Lucas, one of our real fucking homies here, a real part of the Kill Tony family. He'll be back with a brand new minute next week. Guys, how about one more time for the band, everybody? It begins. It ends where it began, with us and the great band. Follow D. Madness at Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson. Follow Matt Mueling at Mutation, M-U-E-H-T-A-T-I-O-N. The great Michael Gonzalez on drums is having an album release party. Magna Carta comes out July 9th at the Belmont. Follow him on social media, Mike Agon's 13.

And David Lucas is doing the Tacoma Comedy Club. So be sure when you're listening to this right now, he's got it this weekend. Your headlining? July 29th through the 30th. July 29th in the 30th at the 31st. David Lucas at Tacoma Comedy Club, everybody. Live audience, Austin, Texas. Thank you guys so much. We always have so much fun with you. Thanks a lot, guys. We love you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. After this, everybody can stick around if you want. Have some more drinks. The nether hour is playing. Immediately after this, you came to a very special episode that has an immediate after party. Congratulations, everyone. you