KILL TONY - #515 - SHANE GILLIS

Episode Date: July 24, 2021

Shane Gillis, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Michael Lehrer, David Lucas, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/12/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—Credit Karma’s game-changing technology shows you tailored offers for credit cards andpersonal loans that you’re more likely to be approved for, so you can apply with moreconfidence. Apply with confidence today. Go to CREDITKARMA.COM/PODCAST or the Credit Karma app.

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band, coming live from Vulcan Gas Company in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Let's go! Come on guys. Let the podcast listeners know what's up. Make some fucking noise. It's Monday night in Austin, Texas.

Wow. And look who's joining me. It's Brian Red Band everybody. Hey everybody, what's up? But my goodness, how about a hand for the fucking band? Am I right guys? Jesus Christ. D-Madness. That was amazing. Singing his heart out. The great John D's on the keys everybody. Matt Mueling on guitar. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. And how about one more time for D-Madness on bass guitar right behind me here. I mean just unbelievable. What a fun evening we have ahead of us of this. The number one live podcast in the world taped here. It's home is here in Austin motherfucking Texas everybody. So much fun we've been having week after week after week and this week

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tailored just for you. That's creditkarma.com slash podcast or you can see your offers on the credit karma app. Apply with confidence today. Go to creditkarma.com slash podcast or the credit karma app now. Well not right now but after the podcast. Fans of this show over the age of 21 I want to tell you about Yo Kratom the home of the $60 kilo how much $60 for what a full kilo that's right if you are currently a fan of Kratom you can get it from our newest sponsor Yo Kratom for just $60 a kilo and if you aren't a fan of Kratom well then ignore this ad. The fact that Yo Kratom has high quality Kratom for just

60 bucks a kilo has no relevance to your life whatsoever. But if you are a fan of Kratom then it's time to stop overpaying or having to go to corner stores or gas stations to find it. So one more time thank you to Yo Kratom for supporting this show and if you're into Kratom Yo Kratom is the one place where you can find $60 kilos. These guys are one of the biggest Kratom wholesalers and they created Yo Kratom.com so that you can buy directly at an incredible price. We said it once we'll say it again one last time Yo Kratom.com home of the $60 kilo. So are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? We have the great

Ryan Jebel drawing tonight's episode from Los Angeles California. The new Kiltoni bingo cards and everything are available at RyanJebel.com all your favorite Kiltoni posters, the tour posters, the show posters. He's drawing this episode right now and it's about to start when I bring up tonight's guest. Ladies and gentlemen one of the most badass comedians ever one of my favorite comedians. Ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the bull himself. Shane Gillis ladies and gentlemen. Oh shit. Oh it's a whole tub of fun life for the Stone Cold Steve Austin. Shane Gillis is back everybody. Yes. Shane I have been

enamored by your sketch videos Gilly and Keeves Twitter, Instagram, YouTube I mean it is unbelievable. How many of you know what the fuck we're talking about? Oh nice. So fun. This guy getting it done doing it himself doesn't need a big nerdy fucking corporate boss to tell him how to make this. Would have been nice. Would have been nice to have that real job. But you know we do it ourselves it's a thing when you when you when you when you when you when you when you when you when you when you when you when you do what we do. When you do what you did dude yours is way different. Yours is bad. I don't know yours. I didn't like his. I was on a comedy

stage. I saw his. Mine was during a stand-up comedy show. I saw you casually talking in a studio setting. I'm like what is wrong with this guy. Yeah we fucked up dude. Yeah it was a mistake dude we're fucking sorry. All right. You hear that. Tang. All right. We have a lot of fun stuff out of us. This show brought to you by the best strip club in the world. The Yellow Rose and the Red Rose here in Austin, Texas. Some of them are joining us up here tonight. So we'll see what happens here. There's strippers. Those are strippers. I don't think those are the strippers. Yeah. I was given a free admission for using the Yellow

Rose. I think a lot of people in the audience was given that tonight too. Oh really? Yeah. Oh some people throwing cards. You guys making it rain now or there? The free admission cards. Look at that. Very very exciting stuff. You still have to tip the strippers folks. We have some joke books here made by the great Adrian Cavazza said bones eyes. Some people are going to get some of these. Different shapes and sizes of these. We're all filled up with delicious CM smokehouse. Thanks to our friends at CM smokehouse and of course Yoni at best barbecue show. Let's start the show. Oh you know what I'm going to have a crown

royal and Coca-Cola whenever we get a chance. Oh delicious. Crazy. That works out. Shane's got his Bud Light. You guys know how the show works. A bunch of people signed up earlier for the chance to get on this stage. If I pull their name out of a bucket. Tons of names in here. Look there's names. Names and names and names. Bunches of them. And if I pull a name out that means they get 60 seconds on this stage. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or I'm still going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. We don't want that. There you go. That's great. That's it.

You guys get it? You guys ready to start the show? All right. Instead of going to the bucket let's start it in a very special way. We have four regulars for the first time in the show's history. Those are guys and formerly girls. The first six regulars were all girls but now it's somehow it's become all guys. We tend to. I don't know how that works. It's a very diverse show. Anyway, you guys are in for a very special treat. The regular that is starting tonight's show famously closes usually every single show. So we're going to start things off with the bang. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you one of the great

comedians of Kill Tony history. The one and only Michael Lehrer ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Diagnosed with Luke Erick's disease just a few years ago. Started doing stand-up comedy. Turns out he's fucking amazing at it. 60 seconds uninterrupted. One more time ladies and gentlemen for Michael Lehrer everybody. I'm going to the Paralympics. I'm not competing. I'm just gonna hang out at Paralympic Village and scoop up all the pussy that deaf guys don't get. Being deaf should not qualify you for the Paralympics. It's not a disability enough. Having the cow is the worst disability than being deaf. Oh yeah this is

cow country for sure. A lot of me man you're hovering to the bathroom like on broken glass and you know what I mean. But like being deaf that's not the disability. You know a lot of people they're like Michael you have such an amazing story to tell but it's like Chinese war to torture him you say. Have you ever considered writing some shit that I wasn't wrong. But that's all right because my disease has brought me back to my youth and what I mean is my hands don't work for masturbating anymore so I'm back to fucking the couch cushions. But you know what when you get this sick you find out what really is important

and honey child let me tell you and ain't friends and family. It's winning. One thing that is important is that every motherfucking comedian in the bucket send me in those hot pens in the back know that on my worst day they couldn't hold my motherfucking jacket. Wow look at that. Cole blotted two minutes and 30 seconds. He's the only guy we don't have sound a cat for. Unbelievable. For no reason just completely insulting the comedians in the corner. No reason at all really. What do you mean for no reason. You talk to them every week. I give you a hundred reasons. You had already won and you're like threatening to kill them.

You're like you're like Connor McGregor on Saturday night. It's incredible. Yeah yeah like definitely exactly. Except except except one worse leg than Connor McGregor. Connor no Lager. I make up with it when my third leg. Yeah. You make up for it with those couch cushions you were talking about. You were also ridiculously mean to deaf people for no reason this set. Yeah there was Oz in the audience. I mean if they could hear what you said about them they would be really mad. Well what bothers me is there's a movie that was nominated for an Oscar. It's called The Sound of Metal. It's about a drummer who is losing the sense of hearing and he's freaking out and he's really sad. When I'm like this is

dying Michael where are you going. I'll fuck you. Yeah. Yeah your punch lines have to be strong dude. Just such a long build up. It better be a good. It really is. A mediocre joke that we all waited ten minutes for. That shit stinks. That was a funny joke but it just was so long that by the way. Don't talk shit dude. I know you're about to start talking shit. No for real what is good from. Yeah yeah good. I'm glad you can't talk shit dude. No. God's got my back on this one. Hey you know what I love from my fellow comedian when I'm doing my jokes hearing their fucking beer. I know my bad my bad. Why are you doing this. I'm like 20 seconds and I'm right here. You guys should get along better. We do. We get along. We get along. He fucking. You guys have a

lot in common. Shane was canceled by SNL and Michael's being canceled by ALS. Welcome to another episode of Kill Tony. Thank you. Star is Michael. This is the show you came to see. Michael there. What else dude. You're an absolute fucking legend. You come up here killing. It's so exciting to have you leading off the show tonight. This is like having Frank Thomas be your leadoff. The big hurt. Topical Frank Thomas. Oh yeah. You know Frank Thomas. Chicago White sock. Yeah. Of course. I know. Oh man. I am. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was trying to get me to. He knew I was coming down here so he DM me to get him some hand balls from a bodega in New York.

I just responded no. Handballs. Yeah. They play handball. What the fuck are you going to do with handballs. Oh he's got one. Oh my god. What are you about to do with that. He's about to drop it about three feet. Isn't that a racquetball. What is that. A racquetball is small. It's a handball. And they don't have him on Amazon. You have to like bug Shane Gillis to get him. I don't want. It was nice. I tried. I don't know. They're convinced the best everything's are from New York. Hey give me some of those good handballs from a 40 second and 33. It's got a good good water. Hey give me some pickles.

No. Uh oh. What's he going. Oh there you go. Wow. It literally went behind him folks. For you paralympic scouts in the audience. That was the long toss by Michael Lair. Hold on. Do the deaf guys get all the pussy at the Paralympics. It's so funny. No dad they're buzzing. Yeah. Those motherfuckers. Yeah man. I'm being Michael Phelps in the real Olympics. He is the most medalist ever. I guarantee in the Paralympics he's a fucking deaf guy. He's like yeah I raised this half a person. I raised the half a person. All right yeah maybe maybe do hit that one. There you go. There you go. There's a seal.

A seal for you everybody. It's not. I'm a little. No. What? My I'm. All those deaf motherfuckers get all the pussy dudes driving me nuts. You and me both bro. Are you putting the mic away or are you done? You're just giving up. It's being tickled by Jesus or something right now. You just pointed to his nose and started to put the microphone away so I'm guessing he's about to do cocaine off of uh. I'm um I'm um I'm um congested. You're congested? Yeah. Oh okay. I'm I'm sober. You're sober? Yeah I promise. Wow he's sober everybody. It must be pretty easy to get away with not being sober though huh. Yeah exactly. That's all you gotta do is be like no I'm sober. You can be fucked up dude.

Yeah how do you do it? No everyone knows I'm drunk. Look at Michael Lair holds the pose afterwards. That's it. Michael Lair is an absolute legend. He got tonight's show started for us. MichaelLairComedy.com. It's Michael Lair. Yeah here he goes everybody. This is the part where we watch to see if he accidentally drives offstage everyone. Those of you that watched Richard Branson's uh flight this week disappointing right? He survived. Here goes Michael Lair. Uh oh. The only guy that gets carried off like a king on this show. How about one more time for the great Michael Lair everybody. All right a name has been pulled out of the bucket. I like him up first by the way Tony. I like it

up first. And your first comedian out of the bucket. Anything can happen ladies and gentlemen. This could be a crazy person. This is a show where anything can happen. Anyone can sign up. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Andrew Horniman. Andrew Horniman. Getting tonight's show started. The real here he comes. A good sprint. One more time for Andrew Horniman. Hi I'm very subconscious about my voice. I believe like two miles away there's just the dog loses goddamn mind. I also am like I also don't like being called gay because gay implies you're having sex. And I haven't had sex in like 31 years. And I am 34 years old. I know that implies that I was molested when I was three and I was not molested when I was three

because I wasn't as pretty as my sister. And I told my sister I told that joke and she likes it because I call her pretty. Andrew Horniman ladies and gentlemen making his kill Tony debut. I would certainly remember if you've been on the show before. I remember I would remember if the great Gollum from Lord of the Rings was a yes. Have you found your precious. No I'm just you don't look like Gollum. You look like Joe Rogan with AIDS. I was kidding about the Gollum thing. I mean the Rogan with AIDS thing. I prepared myself for this and that's literally what I looked in the mirror I shaved and I'm like he's going to say it. You're goddamn right I am. It's so crazy. Thank you. What'd you shave. What. You said you looked

in the mirror and shaved. My head. All right. What the fuck are you. Yeah. Got like a real like mythical upper like the upper half of a centaur. Yeah. It really is. Real mythical type guy. My god. What. What. What are you Andrew. What ethnicity are you. I can't tell anything about you. I'm I'm half Mexican but I only say it when it's convenient. What's the other. When's it ever convenient to admit to being Mexican. When you're at Del Taco. I don't know if you know this Tony but it's hard to be white sometimes. No no it isn't. No no no no. Yeah I don't think that's what they don't make jokes like that. Yeah. Thank you. Shane's my big brother he guides me. Yeah we're going to get through this thing it's easy. Yeah. But yeah I didn't realize that's what you like you

got a pretty normal looking face from the side of the eternity. Oh. Yeah. Very what you look like a creative player like real weird dimensions. Yeah. He looks like the guy from Indiana Jones is like Humminer Humminer Humminer and like that. Wow that's a deep reference. The Humminum guy. What do you do for work Andrew. Andrew what do you do for work. You're the gayest what of all time. Collecting unemployment right. You're unemployed. Wow the gayest unemployed guy of all time. I can't believe it. What do you used to do for work. Oh my god. I used to. That's insane. I worked at a military base. They paid you to work at a military base. They'll do anything for the during the Corona virus like it was like subcontract work as a frontline worker for like

people like that were late. What were you doing exactly. Serving food. Really. Like chicken or beef chicken or beef. Eggplant. Wow. What does that even mean Red Band. I see you keep trying to throw a tribute to the show but you're just saying what does that mean eggplant. Are you serious right now. Like you don't fucking know. Yeah. Hold on. I don't think the room knows they didn't they didn't wait. That's the room know what eggplant means. What does it mean. What do you do. It's the emoji for Dick in like texting eggplant. Oh that is a reach for a joke live on this show but I see what the audience got. You explained it but they didn't they didn't laugh when you said the eggplant part. Anyway it doesn't matter but I know that now that we've

explained it I see what you meant all the way through. He's about to tell us about his crushes at the military. Yeah. Tell us more the questions that I was asking how many hot guys were there. Oh so many. So many hunks. Oh my god. Yeah. They're like super buff like they're off like what's your favorite kind of guy. Oh like buff and I want like a hard like like a hard bob stopper like just okay just like just a guy that's like like will be my solid rock but then soft in the inside. Oh what about soft on the outside and how about some of the sounds like you're cracking your knuckles every time you fuck them in the ass. Jesus Christ red band if you're going to work out jokes for this show you should work them out first. I got one for Tony. I'm going

to say crack knuckles. We know somebody that could come down here and see if he's. Nope. Nope red band because that's why that's why I always keep everything secret from you. It's so funny. I love it. Let's just keep this show moving along here. Andrew tell us the gayest thing you've ever done. That was de-madness. De-madness. Feeling the awkwardness. Yeah I had a feeling it was probably going to be that right. That is the gayest thing that you could do. I completely disagree. I once saw two guys holding hands walking down the street. That's gayer than sucking off another man. Kirsten just regular. Holding hands on a hot day is so much gayer than sucking a dude's dick. I went on grinder and then we cuddled. Yeah like cuddling during like a movie. That deep intimacy. Did you

guys watch something. No. No not like a Freddie Mercury documentary or anything like that. Not like a. No we just. Oh no I didn't I went to a party. We were on Molly at a house party and I went to this guy. Wow. He went to my place and we just cuddled for like seven hours. Yeah well I'm cuddling with guys on Molly. That's not the other gay about that. You don't have to cuddle with your friends. Seven hours. Yeah that's about how long it takes yeah. You have no hair to comb. Hello Molly thanks. Yeah you're allowed to cuddle with friends. I would cuddle with you. I'll cuddle with you dude. Oh shit look out. Not yet not right now. Hard on the outside. Really he really called my bluff on that one. Oh my goodness. Wow what do you like to do for fun.

You have any hobbies or special skills or talents or anything like that other than comedy. How long have you been on stand up. Jesus. Ten years. Oh my god. Ten years. I know. Wow. You're pretty funny. Yeah I mean yeah you're pretty funny. Yeah. Yeah I mean yeah ten not ten years funny Shane. Right. Yeah but you're thinking about the hardships this guy's endured. Yeah. Constant hardships. Thank you. You're probably like 23 dude. You've seen hell haven't you. I've got a feeling you've been through some wild shit. You ever been to prison. Not yet. Whoa someone's planning a stay. My goodness. All right. Special talents or anything you ever win a talent show. What would you do if you had to do a talent show. I do not want. Saw I have some piano shit. I also

know. What kind what do you mean by piano shit. I know how to play a little bit. Really is that true. Are you are you a big are you a big Michelle. I don't think I don't think John wants you tickling his ivories or his ebony's. Lord have mercy. I know I know I know I think John wants you Elton gone. Here come play it. Come play this keyboard. This is the this is the AIDS keyboard for I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I can't believe I did two AIDS jokes. That's all over the line. I know I worked at this. I I know sign language. I worked at the school for the deaf man. Oh man you better tell that to the fucking Mike. He's gonna get the hatred. Yeah. You don't like the deaf guys either. I love them. They're fine. But they're like you're a suck of deaf guys dick. No but

I definitely had crushes. You're ticklish right. Yeah. There you go. Andrew. So fun to meet you man. Sign up again. Come back to the show. Okay. Have a big joke book Andrew. There you go. Andrew Horniman everybody. Hey Horniman on Instagram and the show has begun. I love that guy. He's adorable. What a sweet little thing right. All right this is fun. Ladies and gentlemen I do believe this young lady's been on the show before. Make some noise for Isabella Charlton. Isabella Charlton. Heck yeah. Here she comes. Here she is ladies and gentlemen Isabella Charlton. Hey I'm British just to bring the mood down.

How do you guys feel about Trump? Yeah I have a really hard time with it because I just I don't know I sometimes I love him sometimes I hate him like when he first came into power do you remember the first school shooting? Do you remember he said that if he'd been there he would have run in there and saved everyone? Yeah I don't know another world leader that would say they would do that. He's a hypothetical hero. I have a really tough time picking sides. I know this is whole like me too versus let the rape continue movement. Yeah it's a real head fuck which side to pick. I'm in my 30s a lot of people think I look really great thanks. Yeah yeah a lot of people ask me what's my secret just have no feelings. Fuck yeah Isabella Charlton. There you go and you're back.

How long have you been on stand-up Isabella? I think like four or five years. And you were on the show in Los Angeles right? Yeah like three years ago. Do you you live here in Austin now? Uh so I went back to Hong Kong for like the whole pandemic because I grew up there. Oh Hong Kong yeah okay and then I just came to Austin. All right how rich how rich are you? You're very rich. Like financially? Yeah no I mean fucking happiness. Yes yes obviously yeah you got rich parents? My mom's a lawyer. What about your dad? No that's great that's great. My parents divorced before I was born but he's also a lawyer in London. Oh okay. So yes that was the yes. Mom's a lawyer been doing stand-up for five years. How long have you been in Austin? Kind of like two three months. Okay what do you like about it?

Barton Springs Municipal Pool. Oh Barton Springs Municipal Pool. Wow my goodness that is a that is the you speak like the lady on the GPS. You have arrived Barton Springs Municipal Pool. I changed my iPhone to the British accent so that's why I hear that. That's fun and how have your anti-Trump jokes been doing here in Texas exactly? I'm always curious to know. Was that anti? I thought it was neutral. I thought it was neutral too. I thought it was very good. I told jokes that would go for everyone. Yeah that's the best way to do it. Yeah more about Trump. Well he's gonna sue you. That's what he says. Trump listens live to every taping of every episode. I have some really positive Trump jokes too. You do? Yeah. Oh well you want to do a positive

trumpet? Let's see how he reacts to it. My uh well okay let me just say about sorry. My dad um okay everyone gives Trump hard time right because so my dad had a second family that he loved a lot more than me and everyone gives Trump a hard time because he said if his daughter wasn't his daughter he would date her but if my dad said he would date me if I wasn't his daughter honestly that would mean a lot to me. Wow. Trump's saying you're talking too much dude. Isabella how's your love life going? If you uh you into like these Texas guys these big tough cowboy types or you know something a lot softer like a British guy that uh you know this fucking softie pie right? These fucking weak brits. I like

you know the people that we took this country from. Do you like a guy to go down on you and lose a tooth? What the fuck? Red Band. Oh my god so creepy. Oh my god you're frightened. You're frightened. Just a way to start a quiet. You like a guy to go down on you? And lose a tooth. Nobody heard the rest of it. We all just heard the disgusting. I would definitely be okay with that. With a guy losing a tooth? Yeah. Wow. I don't know I like the big guys here because they're like really friendly they come and talk to me and uh but I grew up in Hong Kong I like Asian guys too. Oh wow the rare rare breed of uh white girls attracted Asian guys that doesn't happen very often I'm sorry to the if there's any Asian men out there. Yeah it does it happens all the time

there's nothing there's no difference. Nothing wrong. That is incredible. Okay thank you thank you. Have you dated an Asian guy before? You're Asian. What? You're Asian. You're Asian. No you're Asian. I thought for sure that's why. I promise you I'm not Asian. Trust me a couple months ago I had wished I was because they can say what I said but I can't. So what exactly is your Asian? That's an Asian that's in Europe? You're like Russians. That's pretty white. So when I was growing up at like school in Hong Kong like the people who are the most good looking were like the half Asian half white. That's actually racist what you're doing. Wow. I can't be racist my dad's from India. You're sweet and sour we call that. Indians would

never racist. Have you been in an Uber? Those motherfuckers let it fly dude. I don't really know what they look like half Asian half beautiful. It's like white rights basically right? Okie dokie. There's going to be some edit points during this episode here. Isabella what have you done for what's your literally what's the most fun that you've had in Austin Texas since being here? I'm going to go back to Bond Springs. Martin Springs is really it. It's really fun. Me and like a bunch of dogs and we just spent the whole day there it's really nice. I go like all the time. Isabella do you have any special skills? What have we had you do on the show before? You have me talking Chinese. Oh were you talking Chinese again? Yeah let's skip that one this time. Okay.

You're right thank you so much. Thank you thank you thank you. Thank you thank you. I can speak Chinese because I'm better than you. Okay. There's that British in you. Yeah there it is. All right what else what else other than speaking Chinese? I used to be a lawyer. Really? Yeah I told you that before people didn't believe I was a lawyer so I stopped being a lawyer. They didn't believe you? Because I was really young I was well I still look young but I was like 23 when I was working as a lawyer. How were you a lawyer at 23? In England you can do your undergraduate law so I did a three undergraduate law. Oh okay British law can you believe that? Yeah you have to wear like a powdered wig? Yeah. Yeah? Damn it's probably pretty hot.

Probably was dude. You know I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday again. Red Band. Red Band over here. Michael Lair isn't the only one with blue balls here tonight everybody. Red Band is booking his show. Isabella congratulations thanks for another new minute. Isabella Charlton everybody. She's on Instagram at Isabella is comedy. Yeah she's got a she does she has one of those British attitudes. Yeah she was pretty she was good though. Oh we forgot to give her a joke book. Isabella you got a joke book coming we'll get we'll put one to the side for you. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Timmons. You guys having fun out there yet? Here he is everybody one more time for Jack Timmons. Hey what's up Vulcan how are we doing?

I like that I like getting up here and asking that because if I asked just one guy on the street that question and he goes whoo that guy's not doing okay it's the exact opposite of that. I saw a ruler the other day. Dude how big is an inch man? It's like so big. Someone says an inch you're like that'll be small it's not it's just giant. Four of those? Pretty pretty damn big if I do say so myself. I go to Subway they're like do you want a six inch or a foot long? I'm like can I get a four inch sub? I feel like that would satisfy anybody who wants to eat a sub right now. That's a pretty good amount of sub. It's like what do you want like yeah like a six inch sub

will fill you up like four inches that shit might you know call you the next day or whatever. I mean what do you want really? A foot long that doesn't exist I hope that's a scary amount of that's too much you can't even finish a whole foot long I know like a couple people who can put a whole four inch sub in their mouth at one time. There you go Jack Timmons going on and on measurements. Jack welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. Have you been on before? Yeah okay what happened last time you were on? You made me kiss the stripper. Oh I did? Well she got me sick for a week so yeah. I'm sorry sorry yellow rose red rose not the best ad right there.

That was Kaylee I don't know I don't know if she's uh Kaylee here tonight? No. Oh well she's probably under the weather. Yeah well that makes sense. You really got sick for a week with what? Yeah I got like a cough when I knew exactly where I got it from so. Wow I like the thought process like where did I go? Oh yeah yeah that's stripper I kissed. Oh my goodness. And what made me have you kiss a stripper you had not kissed a girl in Texas yet or something? Yeah yeah we uh we discussed my love life which has gotten better now. That's what I was just gonna say after that happened people tend to have a big breakthroughs in their life so what happened after that? I got some pussy. Wow yeah.

Yeah. Probably pretty easy to get since you're the leader of the nexium sex cult. All right. It's only for a few people it's one documentary on HBO called The Vow you would have had to watch it to know that's exactly what the guy looks like. It's pretty good. Spot on reference. So how do you get pussy? Explain to us how a guy that looks like you got pussy. Ah no go ahead just get it. Can I get one more cheer for the pussy by the way? Nope nope nope nope nope nope cancel. Quit showboat dude. Okay fine. No I uh friend of a friend and uh sounds like you fucked one of your buddies dude. No although he did ask he's like how was it? He asked too many questions or was like did you want in on this? So how do you meet this girl?

Come on tell give us the actual I got you a friend of a friend but like what happened? Yeah so um she's a friend of a guy who got me a job and that's how I'm friends with him. What job? Oh I'm a physical trainer at a country club. Oh yeah that's right okay. That's right. I remember now. Okay so and then what's happening that night where you hook up with this chick? I left a uh show I think and went to meet her and she you know what honestly I don't have any game and thank god because she was down for it. She told him to tell me to come over there so. And then what happened? Then we had sex you know we did the sex thing. So the sex thing huh it sounds like a lie. Yeah. So you show up to her house and exactly what happened? Oh no we go

to a bar and then we go to her place. Uh huh and then exactly what happened? And then we had I ask uh I ask uh I say I don't have a condom she goes okay and I'm like sweet this is great. Wow. Yeah. Going forward you don't even have to bring it up. Yep fair enough I'll take that. Never bring it up. Look at that. I can say the word dude. Yeah. Why would you say that? Yeah. These girls. I don't know man. It's been a while. That's the only C word I never say. Yeah. So wow so you had no condom sex with this chick that was willing to fuck you without really knowing you at all. Kind of knew me. And you thought catching a cough for one week from Kaley is bad. Looking back on this. You might have you might have a bun in the oven. I think it's just a

me thing at this point. All right. Yeah. I love it. So your physical training at a country club what else what have you been doing for fun? Oh I uh I did some acid when paddle boarding the other day. Oh yeah. Tell us about it. My voice right there you look like you're on it right now. Yeah they are those are my friends they literally are. Go ahead tell us about your acid trip on the river. Yeah I went out on uh yeah on the river. Is it a river or a lake or whatever? Yeah nobody knows. Doesn't matter bro. How was the acid was the question. I'm not talking about bodies of water. I know you love measurements and shit. An inch and a foot and a this and a that a lake or a river. Man I thought I had seen like a river before and then on acid it is a whole

different thing. You're just out there. What scares you? Water. Really? Deep deep water. Yeah not a fan. Why do you think that is? Because it is dark and it's deep. So doing acid on the water seems like a good idea to you. I don't know it was sunny out and the acid hadn't hit for like two hours and then it hit really hard. And then you're on what the one thing that you're scared of. Yeah I'm out there in the middle of it. Was it fun? It was great. You loved it. Honestly the best time I've had in a while. Yeah and then I mean second to the sex thing that happened the other day which again. Okay Jack what's something that we'd be really surprised to know about you or your life a real interesting fun fact about Jack Timmons. Uh my dad's an umpire for the MLB. Get the fuck

out of here. Yeah man. Wow. That's awesome. You're calling blue around the house. He tells you to do something. Yeah come on blue. Calls me meat. If you guys fight you guys get like chest to chest. Yeah he brings it all in. It's like kicking dirt at him. Yeah there's constantly dirt in my living room. Does he always make you feel safe? No. All right. Uh how is that fun for you? Have you gotten a reap any benefits of having a MLB umpire as a father? Are you gonna get an umpire trickle down pussy? Yeah. Yeah. Get any of those foul balls? You suck. That's so stupid. No I have not gotten pussy from my father. Um I uh. I got it. You know. My dad's a fucking salesman dude. I haven't gotten any pussy from that. Hell yeah dude. Yeah no I mean I get to get a games

and whatever but uh other than that. What kind of games do you play with your father? You guys ever play catch? You ever play catch? Yeah we play catch. You ever catch and your dad's like ball. Yeah. Put it outside on that one. Which is a lot of yelling about form and whatnot. Right. All right Jack. Well uh fun times man. Congratulations on uh getting pulled out of the bucket here on Killtony. Thank you. And uh we'll see you. Jack if you weren't white I bet Red Band would have you on that show. You didn't. You did pretty good but you're a white guy so see you later you fucking little. Oh it was nice while it lasted. You guys think big joke book or little joke book. Big? It's like the price is right. Big? All right big joke book for Jack Simmons.

Let's get another regular up here. Ladies and gentlemen the newest regular on Killtony. Everybody Austin's own. The one. The only. Hans Kim everybody. Hey what's up guys. It's good to be here. I saw a sign in my neighborhood that said 20 miles per hour when children are present. But how fast do I drive if the children are dwelling in the past? It's a bit of a thinker. I saw the skateboarder be like I use skateboarding to express my emotions but I've never needed a skateboard to do that. I've never been like if only I could tell you how I feel. If only I had my skateboard I could tell you how I feel. When you talk to your ex it makes me feel like this. I love being Asian because I can go into Starbucks and tell

them that my name is Ching Chong Bing Bong the third. They're like that's not your name and I'm like excuse me I come from a long line of Bing Bongs. What are you a ding dong? Boom. Hans Kim ladies and gentlemen. The great and powerful Hans Kim. The newest Killtony regular. A brand new minute every single week. Another incredible performance. Shane this is your first time seeing Hans Kim. What are your thoughts on Hans? I can't believe how talented and impressive you are. I loved it. I loved every minute of it. You're my favorite guy I've ever seen. Now this is good. This is great. Lauren help. I'm sorry dude. Now this is good. Thank you. Hans though. You guys have probably

covered that a thousand times. No we really haven't talked about how Hans. Hans Kim what are you the axis? Oh we are. That's a deep cut. Oh my World War II heads out there. What's good. How did you end up with the name Hans? My parents were a year into America and they didn't want kids to make fun of me for having an Asian name. Damn dude. That's so funny. Your parents were so out of touch. They were like what's the whitest fucking name we can make. I was about to do an Asian impression. I still got it. Hey. I'm about two more Bud lights away. The filter is strong. I still got a little. A couple more Bud lights coming. They're coming. I love it. Hans what's been happening this week? I did some comedy. I did the Vulcan show. I

partied with the Nether hour. Oh shit. The Nether hour. That's wild time as always. Did you do any psychedelics? They had acid. I did a little of their lysergic acid. Yeah. And they had some buck cream they were playing with. They had some buck cream. Hold on. What exactly do you mean by buck cream? It's a red tube that says buck cream on it. And if we were like listen up, buck cream. What did you do with the buck cream? Was it just like prop comedy or was it like did they use it? It was like a bit. It was like the party's bit is this buck cream. So they would like put it on their face and then dance around. What is it? What the fuck are you guys talking about? Yeah. That's acid talk right there. But cream,

boot cream, buck cream. So on the tube it says buck cream. And it's a real product. And what do you guys have it at your house for? You don't know why. Okie dokie. That's a Nether hour for you everybody. They're a lot better at music than they are at conversation. I promise you that. It's for hemorrhoids. And that could take a long time to explain. One of them doesn't want to admit that they have hemorrhoids. That's what's happening over there. We don't know how we got more. Yeah. There's just clearly hemorrhoid cream. It's almost like yo what the hell is this doing here? Wouldn't it be crazy if we just joked around about this? Instead of like I suffer severely from hemorrhoids. It's probably the drummer.

Probably. Yeah. A lot of sitting on a stool. That'll get you. Hans, what else this week? Any new girlfriends or anything like that? I must admit that you roll with a lot of young ladies. People notice. Yeah, I talk to some of the hottest girls in Austin comedy. Yeah. Yeah, you're in Austin comedy. What do you talk to them at shows, do you mean? They just talk to me. We have really good conversations. Sometimes we even hug. My goodness gracious. That's exciting stuff right there. What do you think is happening? You think there's a boom happening? Isabella was talking about it. You think a lot of girls are starting to be attracted to the new Asian bad boys? The old bad boys? If you offend them,

they'll fucking put a clip of you on the internet, you know what I mean? I think like women are getting more masculine, so they're like, oh look, man, that's sort of like a woman. There you go. That's so true. That's what I'm talking about. Keep switching those genders. It's just good for me, you know? Yeah. Absolutely. It plays right into your whole game. I love it. How's the writing process been going for you? That's fun. It's been good. Honestly, I should write more, but it's like so hard because Austin is such a party all the time. I've had more fun here just partying and playing Catan, you know, getting to know comedy girls. He was playing board games? Playing board games, you know? Yeah, I saw it rock star a lot, so.

What the fuck are you talking about? It's like we play Catan every night, and it's like, you know, it's chill. It's not like so much loud music. It's just like people just communicating with each other. Wow. Yeah. I think you're talking about cocaine. You're talking about cocaine. You guys don't co-complain Catan because that would be pretty fucking great. We should take acid and do cocaine. Yeah, you just slipped. Little Don't do acid. Do cocaine plays. Satellors of Catan, dude. That'd be nuts. Yeah, you go to war with me. You motherfucker. I love it. I love it, Hans. Every single week, you're absolutely killing it. We love you. The ladies and gentlemen, that's Hans Cam, everybody. We're going back to the bucket.

Back to the bucket we go. We're having fun here tonight. How many you like going comedians do good on this show? How many you like going comedians do bad on this show? Okay. They've been pretty good. The comedians have been good. They've been pretty good so far. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Gabriel Kerr, everyone. Gabriel Kerr. You know, we've never had it where people like the comedians doing better than the worse. Yeah. People want to see people fail. People want to see blood up here. Yeah. I think this guy's wearing an underarmor t-shirt and long hair. Oh, we know this guy. He was just on his back, everybody. The look of the bucket for Gabriel Kerr, everyone. Make some noise for Gabriel. What's up, everybody? My name is actually pronounced

Jason Moo Moa. That's Tony's joke. So I'm a dad, which I'm not sure I need to say that anymore. I feel like the love handles and the mantits are kind of giving that away. I have two beautiful daughters. They're two pretty, honestly. Not like I want to fuck them. That's not what I'm trying to say. Just makes me a little suspicious of their mother. You know, like who's really the father of those kids? Because at best, I'm a six or Galveston nine. Now it's on the straight scale, obviously. On the gay scale, I'm like a 14, especially if you have daddy issues. You think the hair you can see is luscious? Oh, this trend continues. It flows down my back, cascades over my ass like I'm a Shetland pony. Gabriel Kerr, a new minute from Gabriel Kerr. Gabriel, you were on

the show last week, right? Two weeks ago. Okay, two weeks ago. And you're back wearing some tight fitting clothes tonight, huh? I did this for you. You would you do sneak into my my closet? No, they're too long. We know for a fact you're six foot two. We found this out two weeks ago when you said you were six foot four. You said you were five nine and we didn't measure you. I noticed. Yeah, why did we waste our time measuring me? You guys want to measure me? All right, let's fucking do it. Yoni. Yoni, get up. Yoni, bring your camera. Bring it all. Bring the tape measure and your camera. How about a big hand for Yoni, everybody? Yes. Best barbecue. That's a lot of butt grab there. Yo, why is Tony built like the alien from American dad?

Five nine and a half. Still six to six to and I'm five nine and a half you big faggot. Oh, wow. Piece of shit, but we never measured you, Tony. Yeah, you must feel like a fucking idiot right now. Gabriel, welcome back to the show. Cheers. Now, that was a good set. We also found out two weeks ago that you and your lady, you have a kid and but you guys have kept things fresh in the bedroom by adding a Hispanic woman. You have added, you guys have regular three sums, you and the wife participate. Maybe you are six five, dude. Shit like that adds an inch easy.

Hell yeah. How's that been going? It's been two weeks since we've seen you. In about 30 minutes, my set from two weeks ago airs, so we'll see how the marriage goes after that. Hold on. Wait a second. What'd you say? In like 30 minutes, my set from two weeks ago will air. Yeah, actually, it's playing right now. I was looking at while. So your wife is going to see what you talked about right now. And hopefully not her family. Right, but she's watching. You told her to watch. Oh, that's cool. She'll enjoy it. She loves you. She supports you and she doesn't want to lose you to this Hispanic lady that just started joining you in the bedroom. So she's probably going to play it pretty cool. Well, you've been having sex with your wife and the Hispanic lady at the same

time. At the same time. And they go down on each other and they do shit. What the fuck was there? What's her problem? I know about it. Yeah. Use kind of video. No, he invited me and then we went and it was weird and like we left. Okay, that's right. Improv by red band, everybody. That's some of that fucking real, real good shit right there. So let's talk about it. How's it been going the last two weeks? Anything new? Any developments? No, no. So it's just been going steady. So how many times have you guys had a threesome since the last time we saw you? What's your two week average on threesome? Three or four? Wow. So if you like two a week, this is preposterous. Wow. This is absolutely preposterous. Your marriage is going to fail. You can't do that.

It's against God's code. What you're doing is wrong. It's a sin. It's probably illegal in Texas, if we're being honest. No, everybody will be pretty pumped on it. I think the marriage was going to fail and then that happened, right? I mean, maybe not fail, but you keep it exciting. Let me ask you this. What's the order of events in a threesome like that? Do you just lay down and see what happens and like, or like, how does it go? Like, what's the first move? Do they start kissing each other? Do you kiss one of them? It depends. Depends on the night. Depends on who's drunkest. Okay. So you guys drink a lot and then just shit goes down. You know what's funny? You look like if like Jesus survived the crucifixion and then became like a bit of a has been.

Yeah. It's true. If the nails couldn't hold Jesus to the cross. That's good. Now, was your girlfriend nervous about it when you told her what happened tonight? Like, was she like, oh, why'd you say anything? Because you were hesitant about talking about it. No, her family's cooler. My wife's family is from the deep south. So that's more the concern. Right. That the family would find it on Killtony. They're not going to find that shit. No, they're not watching. People in the deep south don't like this show at all. Anyway, they liked your other video though. What? They like your other video though. They like my

what? Oh, my video. Yes. Thank you so much. Your most famous video. Like what? The snoop roast? Oh, that video. Okey dokey. Yeah, that one. I love it. How's work been going? What do you do for work again? Yes. Oh, just a full time stand up comedian. He is a rich wife. Damn, dude, she's paying for you and your fucking other ladies. Incredible. Yeah, I see it. I see it a little. That's why you got those tight ass pants on. I see that thing. You see it? Oh, yeah, there it is. Look at that. Those Adidas have four stripes on them. Look at that fucking thing. It's presenting itself. Oh my goodness gracious. That is powerful, powerful fucking. Damn, dude, that type of dick. That's once in, I mean,

that's crazy. You got that. Once in my lifetime. That's for sure. Of course. This guy's an ant. He's like one of the wildlings from Game of Thrones, this fucking guy. Look at him. So, Gabriel, what's something that we didn't talk about last time you were on the show that we'd find interesting about you? Have you thought about that at all? I have. I've thought about what the fuck else I would talk about after that and I don't know. You don't know? I don't know. Do you have any talents or anything? I do stand-up comedy. Okay, other than stand-up comedy, sure. We've been doing this show a long time. I know that you do stand-up, Gabriel. That was a stupid fucking joke. You shouldn't have laughed at that. It's okay. What else? Anything else?

Are you a strong guy? You seem big. How many times do you think you could lift a midget up in the air like that? Just one midget? Yeah, just one midget. Till I pass out all night. Really? All right. Cody, come on down here. We have a guy here from the Yellow Rose and Red Rose. We're going to figure out exactly how strong Gabriel Kerr is. Come and knock on my door. I've been waiting for you. All right. So here's how we're going to do this. By the way, make some noise for Cody from the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. All right. Not like that, like that. We're going to do it like that, but you have to face the audience the whole time. Gabriel's going to get behind you,

and we're going to see, and we're going to count it all together. Are you guys ready for this? Yes! He's fucking dense. He's fucking dense. Yeah. Yeah. You were on his belly. I saw that. Oh, my God. Oh, God. How many times can you lift him? No, dude. That was very powerful. You said you could lift him until you passed out. I almost passed out at, uh... He cheated. I was sitting on his titty the whole time. Oh, shit, Cody. Goddamn. I already made a joke about my titties again. This is how cool the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose is. Cody's one of the managers there, so if you ever do anything shady to one of the girls

fucking under the table, he's under there watching you the whole time. He's keeping an eye on you, making sure you're not fucking... Cody, you got some admission cards? Throw some of those out to the audience. Let's see if you can throw cards farther than Michael Larrick and throw a... Yes. There you go. I'm sure the lesbians in the front want strip club cards. They love that shit, man. Well, I would imagine, yeah. Yeah, definitely. I like them. D-madness. Did you say something? Did I say something? I thought I heard you say Tony. Was that my imagination? No, I didn't see anything, but uh... Damn. I had one of your phantom like hearing things or something like that right then. Whatever was going on, whatever just happened, I kept my eyes closed on.

Cody, how do you like managing here? Share the mic with... By the way, you guys would make a hell of a comedy duo, by the way. This is... I said Game of Thrones earlier. Now it's Game of Thrones, motherfucker. It's like Aquaman and Aquaboy. You got the Mountain and Tyrion fucking Lannister over here. Cody, how do you like Yellow Rose and Red Rose and everything? Actually, I love it, and I've been doing it for about five, six years, and I couldn't ask for more. I work for some of the best people of Austin, and it's like one big family. How tall are you? Yoni, where's your tape measure? I'm just kidding. I'm kidding, Yoni. You don't have to do it. Four, four. Four, four. Fuck yeah, dude. Fun size. Fun size. I love it. Four, four is pretty. You

probably fuck other. I don't lose pretty good. Four, four is good. I love it. And you work at a strip club for like a half a decade. You probably get around, huh? The girls, they probably feel comfortable around you. You're like a little Ewok. You know what I mean? If you call it that, if you say that. Our friend Brad Williams, a very famous comedian. He has a huge dick, and he's a small guy. How big is your dick? Good question, Red Band. I couldn't tell you. I can't... I don't want to lie. Yes. It's like a little Abe Lincoln. He doesn't want to tell a lie. Okay, I love it. It's like Honest Babe Lincoln. It won't disappoint you. I know that. I bet you wouldn't. I bet you wouldn't disappoint. I absolutely love it, man. You ever do anything on stage before? You do any like arts

or anything like that? I haven't actually... Like a few years ago, I did do a baby new year for Willie Nelson. I wore a diaper for him. But other than that, like I've never done it. You ever do karaoke? No. No? Nothing like that? You never sing? I don't think a voice like mine would sound good. Really? Yeah. To be honest. You sound fantastic. How many do you think he could do karaoke? Come on. What are you going to sing for us tonight? What's a song that you know? I don't know. You must know a song, right? You sort of know some song, right? It's fucked up. Somewhere over the rainbow. How helpful. You want to go on the rainbow with me? What's that? You want to go across the rainbow

with me? No, I don't. No, I don't. You fuck dudes? You hook up with dudes sometimes? I don't. Okay, all right. Why wait? I was going to hook him up with fucking Schmeegel from earlier. What's his name? Oh, that would be the couple of the year. Yeah, dude. I could probably change his mind if he would come see me at Yellow. I'll change his mind for him. Yellow Rose. That's where people can find you. Yes, sir. I love it, man. Five days a week. I love it. Five days a week. This guy works a fucking long schedule. Yes, sir. I love it. Absolutely. You're the man, Cody. Thank you so much. How about a big hand for Cody, everybody? The Yellow Rose, the Red Rose. Cody, take one of these joke books. That's for you. Cody got a full-size joke book. Cody got one of the big joke books.

That's one of the big ones. Come on, make some noise for Cody, everybody. Hey. My girlfriend's like two inches taller than her. This show is chaos. Cody's got a fat ass, bro. I hope he's dancing. I hope I get down to the Yellow Rose. That guy's twerking. He does. Hell, yeah. He's got junk in that fucking trunk, man. He's the guy that goes into the bathroom to see if you're doing cocaine underneath his stall. He's like, stop it. Jesus Christ, red man. You're out of control. Not to interrupt, though, but can I have another crown and coke, please? Oh, yeah. I would love to have another crown and coke. Absolutely. Yeah, I'll take one, too. We love crowning. Crown Royal and Coca-Cola. The best of Canada, Crown Royal. They made

that for the queen of England when she came to visit Canada for the first time. Perfect comedic timing on that one, D-Madness. Anyway, all right, Gabriel. Well, so much fun. You were able to lift a midget nine times. We'll always know that that was the end. I probably would have gotten the free. You did the right thing to not get actually exhausted, you know, because then you could drop him. I was worried about that. I was afraid Pride was going to take over and he was going to go until he couldn't drop the... Right off the stage. And had you kept going much longer, I would have physically died from laughter. You would have hit those lesbians with that midget. This show would have gone... One more time for Gabriel Kerr, everybody. There he goes. He's a Gabe K comedy.

All right. Yeah. Look at him over there. Wild Times. Elysir Villarreal. Elizer Villarreal. Shane's going to go P. Elizer Villarreal. Ladies and gentlemen, is your next comedian. Oh, damn. Shane, hurry up. This guy looks interesting as fuck. Come on, everybody. Make some noise for Elizer Villarreal. Thank you, Austin, Texas. I'm going to start with the good news. Carl's Jr. has a deal right now. You get a $5 meal deal. You get a gift certificate. It lets you lick a homeless guy's asshole for free. You don't have to pay them. There are probably homeless people here offended. A word that has two meanings, homoerotic and homophobic. The word is twinkie. A twinkie is a golden-colored,

cream-filled, homosexual man, like a Puerto Rican. It's also a dick-shaped snack treat that goes in your mouth and explodes. It is homophobic and homoerotic at the same time. I lived in North Hollywood in Los Angeles, a magical place where crystal meth vaporizes into thin air. Anyone can breathe it. It looks like fog. It's a public utility provided by Los Angeles. It's a unique place, the San Fernando Valley. I forget my stutter, what it's called, because I live there too long and the meth, the free meth fucked up my head. Thank you. How do I say your name? Elizer? Elieser. Elieser? Elieser. It's Mexican. Elieser? Elieser. Elieser. My first name is Jesus, but it's just too hacky. What does that mean? Elieser means in the court of God, it's Hebrew

based. It means with the help of God. If you can't say the name, it's because you're anti-Semitic and you hate Jewish people. Jesus Christ. It's fucking true. Wait, what was the name? Let me give a shot. It's like the sort of Excalibur for a racist. Elieser. Isn't that it? It's just Excalibur, I guess. Elieser. Elieser. Elieser. People will get it. How old are you, Elieser? I'm 42 and like too young. You're younger than me? Jesus Christ. I have a shitload of great hair because LA, thank you. That is LA. Why do you look so old? I did some time in jail. You did? What did you do in jail? What did you do time for it? I don't want to say because it got expunged. So it'd be really stupid for me to say it into a microphone. Well, I mean it got expunged. Oh, hold on. It could have been

raped. Look at all these fucking criminals over here clapping. Like, oh, got it spun? Yeah, let's hold the applause. We were not sure what it was. California is one of a handful of states that lets you expunge criminal crimes and it would just be stupid for me to say that out loud. What do you do for work, Elieser? I used to be a production assistant for a long time but now here in Texas, I just got a job. I'm a project manager for a concrete company. Okay. They're paying for my move. I love it. 40,000 a year. I love it. I was a production assistant for 10 years and that's pathetic. That's fucking pathetic. I live in Bronzeville, Texas. I'll be here probably next month. How long have you moved here? We don't need to share our addresses on this show, guys.

That was a zip cut. That was a zip cut. That was a zip cut. That was a zip cut. That was a zip cut. All right. I know you don't want to mention what the crime was but would special victims unit have? No. All right. Well, then we're good. Then you can clap for them. Give a clap. I do want to clarify. You can't expunge crimes that are sex-based. Oh, sick. That are crimes with a minor that are involving a firearm or that result in a crippling injury. You can't expunge those crimes. Nice. If you're dying of curiosity, Google. No. You're going to regret that. It was fucked up. It was fucked up what I did. I learned my lesson. Jail is not fun. Please check your mental health if you're having issues. Please. Don't go to jail. That's very sweet. Don't go to jail, dude. It sucks.

Wouldn't that be crazy if you saved somebody's life on this show? It was just one fucking guy. I don't even know. He had a half-decent set in the middle of a Kill Tony episode. I finally got my mental health checked out and I feel so much better now. I was totally about to kill people until the middle of Kill Tony. LES or Villarreal. I'll tell you what. It was right after that giant guy bench-pressed a midget. I knew things. I knew I needed to make a change. And then some sexual predator told me about it. It was not sex-based. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. Everyone knows it's not that. Grand Theft Auto. You can't help it, can't you? Grand Theft Auto. No. It was fucked up. What I did was fucked up, but it's just bad. It's not funny. But you were a

little under. I bet it's funny. I'm certain. I bet we can make it. You could literally say the most atrocious crime. Was it hate crime? Was it hate crime? Oh, we're getting it. Oh, shit, dude. Ellie, I have to get up here. No, no, no, no. We should probably sit down. I'll tell you what. What got me? I took the plea deal before the preliminary hearing, which is insane. Yeah. Because that was on the table. I hope it's just DUI. No, no. It was fucked up, shit, which I'm trying to find the humor in it. I'll get to that point. Yeah, I think you're good. I don't need to know. I'll get to that point where I'm sharing it with people. It's just how long were you in jail for? My sentence was one year. I did six months. Okay.

What was that like? Well, tell us some of the details. I was in wayside, bro. Are you familiar with wayside? No. Is that one? Is that the school from Saved by the Bell? Oh, wait a second. Was your crime not having to do with Bell? It was like a guy going to come in and try to get in. You were like, oh, wayside. Wayside is maximum security prison or jail. It's LA County jail. And it was it was on this discovery show before I went to jail. It was on this discovery show called America's Max. Oh, shit. Wait, did you watch it on that? I watched it on Netflix. Bro, that's everybody's worst nightmare. Like, wow, I'm watching it. I'm like, fuck, I hope I never end up there. And you did. And then I ended up there and I'm like, wow, it's true.

The shower heads are all fucked up, the fuck up your head, dude. They don't hit you right. And so the angle's all fucked up. And the clocks, the clocks have like cages on them to remind you you're in, dude. Your time is fucking in jail. And it's like, the cages have clocks on them? The clocks. The clock. They put cages on the clock. They did have those cages on clocks in my school. Fuck with you. All the windows are like this. And they're pointed at an angle. So you can't see straight out and that fucks with your head because you want to see stuff. Shit. But you can't see anything. It fucks you up. And I know all those shit because I saw that discovery show. And then I ended up in that fucking prison. Dude, I was in the Thunder dorms. They call them

Thunder dorms. Did anybody assault you or threaten you? I did get corrected. Well, who threatened you? What race threatened you? Tell us the race. We don't need to know the details. Just tell us the race. I was with the homies. I'm with the homies. I'm a resident because I'm not affiliated. So I was with the homies. And I would say- When you say the homies, what do you mean? Okay, I got it. I got it. There's homies. There's whites and there's blacks. There's the buttocks. I was with the homies. Okay. And I guess back in the day, the blacks used to dominate the LA County jail. But now the homies run that shit, dude. That's it. That's how it goes in LA. That's it. Numbers are- I was lucky. I was on the winning zone. So the homies gentrified the LA prison.

They got in there. Let me ask you this. If a white guy like me got sentenced to a year in there and I dropped the soap, I'm day one, minute one. Was this a fantasy? You fucking weirdo? Who's in there, Tony? He's like, tell me what would happen to me if I was in your jail. They would love you. They would love you. No, you would be with the whites and the raping thing is kind of over. I was told that nowadays it's like Disneyland. What does that mean? It means that all the hardcore shit is over. You used to be able, if you were doing more than five years, you could get a girlfriend. They call them girlfriends. Right. But what happens is people would come out and they'd lose all their respect. And so that should stop 10, 15 years ago. Are you

sure they just didn't tell you this because they didn't want to rape you? I did. They're like, no, buddy, it's over. That's just a movie. Bro, it's over. To me, I would tell them I was in there for like six months. They'd like laugh me off. You're on vacation. Shut the fuck up. Right. There's just like this mentality of like, that stuff doesn't happen anymore. So six months in prison, what was the thing you were most excited about doing? What was your favorite thing? Just fresh air? The yard was good. They put me in the chicken coops, which are like 90 dudes in a building. And yard was good. And we had vending machines outside. No, I mean, like, are you sure stand up as your fuck? I was in LA three years. I did stand up maybe eight or nine times the whole time.

I was so stoned the whole time. When you were in prison? No, in LA. Oh, I got you. I did you know the open mics, how comedy club. Right. Did you do any did you get up in like front of the chow house and jail or whatever? No, no, I just really hated being there. And I kind of try to make friends. But I was from Chicago. I'm an outsider. Right. Step of the way I was an outsider. Right. And I got corrected, I would say maybe 30 days into it. For what? I don't want to say exactly because come on, give us something to work with you. I'll just say I broke a rule. Kind of a simple rule. I broke it. And I got broke off, dude. I got broke off. That's how it works in jail. What does that mean you got broke? I got jumped by three dudes. Oh, you did? Yes. Oh, my God. Did you call did you

call safety or did they get torn up first? They had fun. They wanted the quiet guy to get beat up. The quiet guy got beat up. I stood my ground. I got a couple of licks in there. I gave somebody a black eye. Nice. I was bleeding from my nose. It was nice. Then they go, all right, let's give them a nickname. Let's give them a nickname. What do we call them? Let's call them blowjob. And I was like, no, no, not blowjob. I don't want a jail nickname. This is blowjob. That's not true. That is true. Because what led me to jail is kind of a funny story. But that's come on. You got to tell us something here. What do we got to do? Not go to jail. I worked out of it was like this skeezy adult sex shop. They had video booths. Okay. And they had glory holes. They had what glory holes.

Sorry. In North Hollywood. I've been there. Jason's. Yeah. Yeah. You stay out of this. What did they have there? Video booths. Okay. Back in the day. What did you do at this place? I was a janitor. I was punishing myself. I was punishing myself because I went to film school. And so it made sense to me to clean up calm and piss at the end of the night. Sorry. Let's not call them glory holes. Let's call them ventilation holes. Okay, sure. And just shit hit the fan one night and you know, wait, how did the shit hit the fan of all the things that would hit the fan in a place like that? I thought shit would be the last bottle. The thing about that place, the kind of gaze I would come in, there were not like fun, happy days that adopt Asian kids and shit like that. It was hard.

It was hard. Crunchy motherfucking gays, methed out, cracked out, smacked out, big muscles, fucking ribs ready to suck cock and shit like that. Mean gays. Mean gays. Geez. Hard fucking gays, dude. I'm hard as a rock right now. Keep going. Not, not your like TV version of a gay. This was like Joe Rogan gays. Ah, one, one night, go ahead. One night a guy came in. He was being really disrespectful. And I, you know, just words were exchanged. Things got a little too crazy. And, you know, I'm trying to get him to leave the story. This is one of those stories, by the way, where crazy shit would happen. I would call 911. Sure. Nothing, nothing, no fucking cops. Yeah, no one shows up.

We know. What'd you do that night? I do want to talk about this. It's okay. Well, if you didn't, it's bad. Okay, well, tell us about it. He used the glory hole. He goes, he's, he doesn't want to leave the store. He's, he's on meth or something. His eyes are like red and blurry. And he doesn't want to leave the store. And I get fed up. And I go, you got to get your faggot ass out of here. Oh, shit. He goes, he looks at me. He goes, you're the faggot that cleans up after us. Oh, shit. And that was it. That was it. I'm trying to push him out. He's pushing me. Things get out of control. And, uh, did you hit him with the come up? I was just thinking that.

He would like, he would like reproduce like a gremlin if you hit him with that. Just a bunch of smaller ones, like Cody sized ones of that guy would pop up just like, Hey, some cards to the show. You made a big mistake. If it was after midnight, that would happen. But we were right about to close. I was like losing my patience. Yeah. I was really addicted to marijuana. I wanted to smoke because I wasn't smoking. I was all fucked up. So things out a little out of control. They call the cops. The cops did the whole thing. Is that the guy? I did six months. You did six months. That was what you did six months for. Yes. God damn it. That shit talking guy in a cum booth. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Wow. Dude, me working in a porn shop was like an alcoholic working at a bar. Dude, it was such a bad idea in retrospect. Jesus, if I would have been the judge in that case, I would have been like it says here, you were cleaning up cum and this guy came in and you assaulted him. I sentenced you to more of your normal life. Ah. Hey, Tony. Damn. Tony, actually, I met actually in a movie that was recorded at that place he's talking about. Wow. It's called Purves by Felicia Michaels. I was actually recorded. They shot some of Shameless there too. They shot a little bit of Shameless.

That place is fucked up. Alicia, you're a very, very interesting individual. I implore you to start talking about some of this stuff on stage. It's definitely going to be what sets you apart and what makes you different. And you're very compelling, very interesting to listen to. It took you a while to get a lot of information out of you. But when we did, it was worth it. Thank you. Alicia Villarreal. I'm going to give you a big joke book, dude. Take it, bro. He's got it. Alicia Villarreal. Yep. Time for another regular. You guys want another regular? This is my fucking homie. This guy famous for his incredible joke writing ability and roasting skills. Make some noise for David Lucas, everybody. Come on. Here we go. You could play

some for David. Oh, here he is. Yeah. I grew up with anxiety and I finally realized the reason that I had anxiety is because weekly my mom would tell me that she wished she didn't have kids. And I'm like, bitch, I wish I was born to a white family. Like, do you know how mad I was when I saw the movie Blind Side? I'm like, that should have been me. What the fuck? Like, I could have played football. I want to live with a white family, eat casserole every night.

And think about killing my mom because my skateboard wheels are broke. All right. Thank y'all, man. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen, doing it again. Another brand new minute every single week. This guy, an unstoppable force. Yeah, man. Welcome back, David. How are you? We got you. About Shane back. Yep, Shane's back. Well, you drinking beer like you was born in a trailer. Yes. Yeah, I came here to get fucked up.

It's Bud Light. You can drink it. Guys, I could drive home if I want. Where are you from, Shane? Pennsylvania. Okay, the Bud Light makes sense now. Yeah. What part of Pennsylvania? Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. Stand up. Is that West or East Pennsylvania? Central Pennsylvania. Wow. That's great. How far from Hershey? Half hour. Okay.

I love Hershey. Hershey's great. Of course, so good. It smells like food in the air. Wow. Red band smells like food in the air. It does. That's gonna hurt. Some of the brilliant, brilliant input from Ryan right there. God damn, boy.

Hell yeah. It also smells like chocolate everywhere David Lucas goes. So that's pretty exciting. Tom, you got a lightning strike on your chest. Yeah. Every time lightning strikes into your house, it turns gay. Every time you walk around, it sounds like thunder is happening. What do you say, Shane? You guys, though? Nothing. It would have been funnier in the moment.

All right. I was gonna say Gatorade. Shane, you look like... Lightning bolt is Gatorade. Don't do me. He's doing it. I got to. All right, go ahead. You look like the dog from Family Guy. He got you good on that one. By the way, that's Ari Shafir.

What happened? Nothing. You're good. Keep doing jokes. What do you say? That's hilarious. Oh, shit. You look like you've gained a lot of weight since last time I saw you. And truthfully, you look like you're going to pass away soon. You have cellulite in your arms.

You really do those arms. Is that funny? Is that a funny joke? Those arms, they are doing something weird. I told you not to make fun of me. And I'm still stronger than Aquaman. I could probably lift that midget more. You think? I'm almost positive.

I'll arm wrestle you right now. Let's go. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it. He's coming down. He's coming down. What are they cheering for? I don't even know. There's no, that midget, I told him that midget,

he's built like a fire hydrant, dude. That guy's heavy as hell. He's a little wrecking ball, dude. You don't want to fucking try to lift him up. Atlas stone. That's what we call him down the strip club. He's probably gone though. He's probably a fucking girl.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Look at this. He's heavy. What I got to do? Nine? Nine? Yeah.

Here we go. One, two, three. Yeah. Yeah. That's the heaviest short. Bro, where your weight at? Got rocks in your shoe, bro. Look on David Lucas's face.

I've been working with David for years. I've never seen the look he just gave me. Realized how heavy Cody was. Yeah, I could probably press your ass, but. This is what he said. Help. Help. Yoni, I really hope you got that on that camera over there.

So David, I'm over here. I'm on this side of David. He lifts the fucking thing. I don't know why I'm panicking. Like, I am in over my head. Bro, shit. The only thing that wasn't over your head was Cody. I did arm day today, bro.

You did what? Arm day. Yeah, you lifted too much. Is that why you couldn't pick them up? Yeah. I did curls, though. You did arm day. You did fucking breast, thigh, and leg day today.

That's what you did. I'm the strongest fat. He did fucking wing day today. He's like, I can't lift him. I'm the strongest fat guy y'all know. You went to the fight. No, you're not. The strongest fat guy lifted him fucking nine times.

Wait, wait, wait. Let's see how many times Cody can lift David. Oh my gosh. What are you, you probably like, what, 190 pounds? 135. 135. 135, dude. 70 pounds less than what you thought.

You weigh more than Tony Hintzcliff. That's not true. That's not true. Hey, David, you want to pick up Tony? What are you guys laughing at? What are you fucking people like? I can pick up Tony. Pick up Tony.

Do it. Do it. You want to do it? Do it. Do it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. His feet got to come off the ground. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

It's so stupid. I'm 150 pounds you retard. Lift the midget, for Christ's sake. You pretend like I'm less than the midget. All right, take it easy on the M word, bro. It's too concentrated, he's saying. You got to toss that thing around. Yeah, there you go, you son of a bitch.

His weight too concentrated. I weigh 20 pounds more than that fucking midget. That nigga hard to run. I don't know. I told you, dude, he's building a fire. I rustle growing. I rustle at high school in college, bro. That's...

I mean, you have trouble with this guy. Meanwhile, I step up to you. You get that like mom with a child underneath the car adrenaline. You're like, yeah, Tony, I can lift Tony. Did you like that a little? No, I didn't at all. No, I didn't at all.

I actually like my fucking... You didn't like getting tossed around a little? Wait, no, no, I didn't. I really truly didn't, because I saw him try to lift a guy that was less than me and he struggled. You didn't like getting mad at him? Meanwhile, I'm about to touch the fucking lights and bulk and gas them.

And I'm like, I'm about to fall. You're a Titanic right there. I felt as in control as Michael Laird driving around on fucking Rainey Street. Oh, shit, that was wild, dude. No, I don't know what it is. It's, you know, I don't know what they sell or gravity. This is hard to pick up.

Yeah, it's thick meat. No, that's weird, bro. It's like picking up a sandbag. Yeah, it's like, it's like one of the pieces of graphite at Chernobyl. Yeah, it's weird, bro. It's like a different element altogether. It's like, you ever get like confident when you go mulch?

You're mulch. What that mean? You have to like mulch and you're like, I'll pick up this bag. It's heavy, you know? Oh, mulch for the young. You ever have to go mulching? Am I right, folks?

Maybe you from Mechanicsville, Pennsylvania. Mechanicsburg, yo, let's get it. Yes, I like to bring shows to a screeching halt. Yes. You know what's funny though is, David, I'm realizing right now, you're built like a really big midget. You're basically just the world's largest midget. I got short legs, bro.

Because you have those midget biceps to you. They're like extra thick. Do you see what I'm talking about? They're both built like rotisserie chickens. Yeah. Shane, you look like a retired PE teacher. Make a subtle ass up. That's how I dress.

Shut up. What do you think, Cody? Is David a big midget? Would you guys let him join you in the lollipop guild or whatever it is? I fucking love it. You've been to the Yellow Rose or the Red Rose, right? Hey, I got left at the Yellow Rose by your owner.

John. He said by your owner. How'd you get left there? So after he killed 2,500, he was like, let's go to the Red. He was like, let's go to my strip clubs. I'm like, all right, fucking, let's go to your strip club. We went to the Red Rose first. And he was like, all right, enough of here.

And then we went to the Yellow Rose. I think we went out back to smoke. And when we came back, we didn't see no party bus. Oh, shit. And it was like eight of us. And we had to get an SUV and scrunch up in there, motherfucker. Damn. Look at that.

First world problems. You get left at the strip club. Jesus Christ. Man, when I came back, there was no party bus. I went on Yelp. I'm like, fuck this place. Jesus Christ. I love it, man.

Now, he got to be strong, though, bro. You've got to be strong. You a strong guy, Cody? You ever have to throw anybody out of the Yellow Rose? Never, right? Like, when you grab it, it's awful. What a story that would be. I tried to finger a lady, and then some guy just goes,

fucking guy came out and he fucking ragged on me, dude. I thought I was going to fuck him up. I love it. Hell, yeah. You look like, stop with that. You look like a student. I'm black, man. I'm black.

It's all right. Y'all never seen that movie about that army ranger who got stuck over in Afghanistan? Marcus Luttrell. If y'all know Marcus Luttrell, this is it. Yeah, true. True. Everybody will get it.

I do kind of look like a Navy SEAL. I actually do look like I do have PTSD. You look like an old Navy SEAL. Yeah, I look like a guy who saw some things and got fat. Well, that's because I do have fat. I'm like, you know, I'm depressed. No, no, no. Like, your face looked like you should be a big fucking,

but then, like, you're like 170. No, he's a big boy. Shane's a big boy. How much was it? Two for three? Dude, I'm just... Stand up and show him what the fuck is up here. He's got that Walmart shit.

Yeah, dude. Look at this shit. Pick him up. Pick him up. I can pick him up. You can't pick him up. Stop picking up. Oh, fuck, bro.

Yeah, you gotta be looking like Larry Bird. Big ass white dude. You fucking viking? Yes. These are all good. Larry Bird's on Navy SEAL. Keep going, dude. Yeah, this is incredible.

It's a bunch of compliments from David. Well, us could be and David are friends. Yeah, we're friends. Now, after I found out he was racist, I'm like, hell, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the kind of white people I like. I like honesty. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I like, yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. Yeah, you guys are all right. Yeah. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been another segment with the great and powerful David Lucas, everybody.

There goes Cody again. David Lucas, my man. On to the next one we go. Back to the bucket. Should we get a lady out of this bucket, huh? Haven't gotten one up yet tonight. Sorry to Tyler. OK, let's see what happens here.

Make some noise for Miss Amy D or Amy O. Miss Amy O? This is going to be interesting. There's a lot of bad writing on this piece of paper. Yeah, you're going to want to sit down. This is going to be an insane person. A lot of rough handwriting here. Here she comes.

Yes, she's going to be insane. Oh, my goodness. I called it. I called it just from her name. I saw her name. Make some noise for Miss Amy O, everybody. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Welcome to my party.

Y'all showed up. Thank you. Hey, I don't know what time it is. They took my phone, but I've been dying to get on this show. You're so cute up close. Hey, I'm from Johnstown. Yay. Only he knows where that is.

Johnstown. Hey, you guys. I'm 61 years old, the same age as Barbie. I was born in 1959. And guess what, guys? This is Victoria's secret, and this is Bluebell. But Barbie, she had all those things naturally, but no vagina. That's my favorite part of my body.

You know, y'all been moping about the pandemic, you know, and being locked down for a whole fucking year. Well, you guys paid my rent at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice for six weeks short of 13 years for a $20 rock of crack. Yeah. Because Ann Richards was trying to win again. You know what I'm saying?

From 92 to 05, y'all paid my fucking rent, you know? Hey, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Miss Amy, oh, what a bundle of energy you are. Hey, he did six months. I did 13 years.

I could do this mic all night. You know what I'm saying? Holy shit. I could tell you some stories. Wow, lots of energy. Wait, you did 13 years? Six weeks short of 13 years. You don't miss him very well, hey?

Well, in my defense, you really don't talk very well. Hey, you gotta be young to listen fast. Hold on. Listen, listen. Miss Amy, oh, let's slow it down a bit. Let's just take a beat here. I've always wondered what it would be like if the mother from Requiem for a Dream was on the show.

Can we take a second to acknowledge you're wearing a jean jacket t-shirt? This is incredible. It is unbelievable. Wait, yeah, incredible. Good eye, man. Hey, I live in New Braunfels. I wanted to represent.

Oh, my goodness. So let's talk about this, Miss Amy. Oh, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Well, actually, back in the day when I started this, we used to just plagiarize everybody's shit, like back in the Richard Pryor 70s days. Right. And then I redid it again, getting up on mic,

when I had some real shit to talk about that you guys can't steal from me. You know what I'm saying? I had to learn some funny stuff on my own. Holy shit. You're a wild one. Oh, no. Hey, I listen to so much comedy,

I might even copy your shit by mistake. Well, look out. Okay. So when was the first time you did stand-up? What year? What are we talking about? Was it something I said Richard Pryor did the whole mud bone routine?

What if you had to guess a year? If you had to guess a year. Well, when I made parole, or before in prison, what do you mean? I used to stand-up in prison for 13 years. Kept me from getting my face cut. Okay. What year did you go to prison?

1992 to 2005. I've been out for 16 years. I made parole. 16 years. Can't imagine that. You had to see Pulp Fiction 11 years after it came out. That is incredible. I just had dinner at Banzai's.

It used to be a Hollywood video in New Rompoles. And I used to just go there and get all the movies I missed. Stick with me over here to miss Amy. With the programs. In 05, she must have been like, I'm not a good listener. In 05, she must have been like, the Soviet Union's gone. And I was going to be on the Jay Leno show

because I listened to him every night on my headphones. Wow. You really are the mother from Requiem for a Dream. This is incredible. I mean, holy shit. I was going to be on Jay Leno. I watched him every night. If you haven't seen Requiem for a Dream, watch it.

I have nailed this one to the bone. For real? This is incredible. You even dyed your hair sort of red. Look at you. So miss Amy, hold on, hold on. Over here, miss Amy. Miss Amy, let's talk about it.

So a million dollar question. Why did you go to prison in 1992? For a $20 rock of crack cocaine that the government sold me. Wow. Well, someone working for them. It looks like they let you have it back right before tonight's show, huh? Oh, no.

That stuff made me different. Oh, no. It made me hide in closets. What do you do now? What do you do now? Well, what I do now is what I'm doing right now. I make people laugh. No, I mean drugs.

I mean drugs. Drugs? Life, sir. Being in the world today, there's so much to laugh about and enjoy, you know? Besides marijuana is not legal, so I will not discriminate myself here on this stage. Anyway, but...

Adderall? A little bit of Adderall. No, no, no. It's definitely an upper. You have so much energy. But see, uppers make a person like me go down. Okay. Yeah.

Alcohol makes me happy. Whoa, look at you. What's your drink of choice? My drug of choice? Drink of choice. My drink of choice? My guess is a warm milk. One more.

And plus cocaine. He got me. He got me, yeah. Yeah. I did that thing with the A on the end, you know, for a long time. In fact, one of my tattoos here used to be a symbol, but when I stood up, it turned into an egg.

So... Okay. Miss Amio, let's... You have any kids? I have three children. Yes, I do. And they're going to be watching this in a few weeks and saying, I knew she'd get on there if she just showed up to Austin.

Your key. Yeah, so the price is right. Because I'm famous. You're close with your kids? I am. I have a son that's selling all of New Bromphils to California right now. He's a realtor in New Bromphils. Okay.

Very proud of your son. And I've got another son that works for Costco. Hey, selling everything cheap to America? Yeah. In bulk. Oh, my God. I mean, people are going to make side-by-side videos of you in Requiem for a Dream from this appearance.

But I have a daughter that we're not going to talk about because she hates me. And how could that be? Yo. She never calls either. Really? Is that true? Yes, it is. Why do you think she hates you?

I went to Dallas to see her a few weeks ago and she ghosted me. Yeah, I don't know, maybe. What a bitch. I know, I know. She thought that Orange was the new black Israel and that I tried to stay in prison all that time. Okay. She thought I didn't like her.

Okay, so how do you make money now? I'm semi-retired. I met a man two years after I made parole and we saved up and bought a semi. And it has a tanker on the back and he drives in the oil field and I just fucking do all the book work and live off the money and I'm kind of retired except for I do this. Sometimes I get paid for shows like next week.

Where's he at right now? He's probably somewhere in New Mexico at a frack tank somewhere filling up the fluids so we can get that oil. What do you think of Donald Trump? What do you think of Donald Trump? Well, that's the thing is I was in a mixed marriage this whole election last time. What do you mean mixed marriage?

Well, my husband was a chump fan and I was born in Pennsylvania. Hey, yes, dude. So we don't need to talk about that. It was very confusing. You said Jonestown, right? Or Johnstown. Johnstown, yeah.

Yeah, I wish that flood would have got you. Well, I hadn't been there since I was four. So now you live in New Braunfels and you love it. What do you love about New Braunfels? It only takes me two hours to get to the beach. What I love about New Braunfels is not a whole lot anymore because California took over. How often do you come to Austin?

How do you often come to the big city of Austin? Well, I come up here as often as I can. My mother's in nursing care. She has Alzheimer's. Anybody know what that's like? You got a bunch of pothead friends. It's the same thing, hanging out with a pothead. But yeah, my mother lives in New Braunfels in a nursing home.

Your mother has Alzheimer's. Does she really have Alzheimer's? Or is she looking for any excuse to forget that you're her daughter? God, that hit home hard. You know, my mother and I have seen famous people all our lives. And my favorite joke, and you have asked this question before, but you didn't ask me, but I'm going to tell you my favorite joke is my mother and I in the 70s at Montgomery Wards in Wheaton, Maryland,

waited in line for Henry Winkler and Ron Howard for us to kiss them. We kissed the Fonz and we kissed Opie from Andy Mayberry. Amy Opie kissed Opie. And my mother to this day may not remember who I am. She may not know if she just ate, but she sure as hell knows she kissed the Fonz. Really? Yeah. She remembers that.

You never forget that Alzheimer's is something. Yeah, it's fantastic. Yeah, Alzheimer's is heartbreaking. This whole thing is heartbreaking. Oh, you don't look depressed. This whole thing is an absolute, really is. Now I'm fucked up and this is still a tragedy. I think it's so cool.

How often do you do stand-up comedy? I have a show in San Antonio Saturday night. Okay, very cool. How often do you do it? Like a couple of times a week or like? Well, anytime I can get someone to put me in a show. It seems like it makes you very happy, huh? It does.

Honestly, when I was a stripper, it felt the same way, you know? It felt just like this. I mean, all eyes on me. Wait a second. Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on. How long ago were you a stripper? In Tampa, Florida? Cody, come back down here one time.

Let's do something here. Will you put one of these chairs on this stage for me real quick? One of the best things I've ever done. We're going to go ahead. I didn't know any midgets when I saw you. I will say I did. I knew she was hot. I knew she was hot.

Ladies and gentlemen, how many of you think we should have? Cody, sit down, get a lap dance, and decide if she should work at the Yellow Rose Red Rose. This is going to be a real audition here. We're going to see what happens here. Hold on, hold on. Save your energy, Aimee-O. Cody, get up here, sit in the chair,

and then you're going to decide if the Yellow Rose Red Rose hires Aimee-O for one night only. Here we are. Wait, where the fuck are you going? All right, here we go. Here's a little lap dance from Aimee-O. Uh-oh. Oh, shit.

You get him in. I did. There's a little something back in the days of Theodore Roosevelt right there. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Look out. Is that it?

I don't know. Is that it? Wait a second. These are dance moves we haven't seen since the Great Depression, ladies and gentlemen. This is gross, Tony. Can we stop this? What do you mean this?

Yeah, it is sort of gross. Okay, hold on a second. I didn't say any much. Aimee-O, what do you think, Cody? Isn't he supposed to be tipping me? Leave Cody alone. No, Cody, by the way, I love how far your feet are from the ground, Cody.

Put the mic in front of Cody's mouth for a second, Aimee. Cody, what do you think? Can she work at the Yellow Rose or the Red Rose? Uh... I mean, yeah, we hire daytime. I'm playing. I'm joking. I'm joking.

There you have it, folks. Miss Aimee-O just got herself the morning shift at the Red Rose. 7 a.m. One more time for Cody, everybody. All night long, up here, fucking hustling like a badass. Make sure you go to the Yellow Rose or Red Rose

if you go to any strip club. Miss Aimee-O, I absolutely love your energy in a weird way. You sort of remind me of my mom if she was never a stripper, never went to prison, and it wasn't so amped up on whatever the fuck you're on.

But I love you. Come back again. Sign up again, will you? I need a book. I didn't get a book. Absolutely. I need a book! Take a fucking big book.

There goes Miss Aimee-O, everybody. These books are made from bonsai, atrian, and masos. Thank you so much. How about a hand for this lady? Help it out. A good spear right here. She would be my first pick

on my softball team. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night, a regular that needs no introduction whatsoever. This is a brand new minute from the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

Come on, make some noise for William Montgomery. How did my aunt get out of the fucking hospital? Hello, my name is William Montgomery, and my girlfriend caught me shotgunning Slim Fast last night. Your car has a V8 engine.

I'm pretty sure you can't replace gasoline with tomato juice. Next. That's the mechanic who's about to lose his job. That kind of doesn't make sense. People always compare Texas barbecue and Memphis barbecue,

but enough about the electric chair. I hope to one day be the fun uncle who takes their nieces and nephews to Capitol insurrections. After Richard Branson flew to space, Elon Musk reportedly said, I'm happy for him as he is happy with our advancements with electric cars,

to which Richard Branson said, wait, what's that? I can't hear you. I'm in space, bitch. Another unbelievable new minute from William Montgomery. This guy, a real comedian, out there killing everywhere he goes.

Unbelievable. I am now dressing up like a high school history teacher. That's the drip. A lot of people fear that drip. I went to the mall yesterday about these $50 khaki pants. $50, not even the right size.

Yeah, are they a little too long? They're a little bit like low. They hang low. It seems like they're not that high. They're a little bit like low. They hang low. It seems like there's a lot of space between the bottom.

Yeah, dude. There we go. You're like the worst homie in the vending machine. William, what's been going on? How's life going? You got new khakis. You got new, new balances.

I know. It's all very exciting stuff. It's all real exciting. I went on a hike earlier and I slept the rest of the day. I hiked for like an hour. That's great. And I'm going to sleep well tonight.

I am fucking exhausted. That's where'd you go for a hike at? Was it like a hiking spot? Was it a popular hiking spot? It was. I can't remember the name. H-E-B. And you go up to the top of it?

Yeah. What the fuck did you just say, Red Band? That's where Red Band goes. Why did you just fucking say that? That's where Red Band goes on all of his hikes. Yeah. I worked out. Went to H-E-B.

There you go. The spot, was there like a lot of steps and then at the top you could see part of the river, right? Yeah. There were a bunch of steps down. It was on rocks and you stepped down. I know what you're talking about. It tired me out.

We've been there before. What's that place called? Mount Bonnell, right? Mount Bonnell. All right. Oh, he went to H-E-B. I'm going to get my ass beat for saying Bonnell wrong here in Austin. Disrepectful to Commissioner Bonnell.

William, what else is going on? You're an unbelievable comedian. Who the fuck just yelled something? Who the fuck was that? No, seriously, who the fuck was that? It was probably that lady. She was crazy. Yeah.

It's actually interesting. Very rarely is anybody a tough follow, but Miss Amio's energy is hard to, uh... It was. I was worried when I was watching her. I was like, I'm way too high right now. This is about to be a disaster. Everybody's too high for Miss Amio.

It's wild. That lady, you have to watch her in slow motion. You do. William, how's your life going? You're healthy? You're sober now? You've been sober for what, almost two months? Yeah, almost 50 days, I think.

It's, uh... I don't know. I said it last time. It's real fucking boring. I want to be drinking again. I don't know what... Let's see what gets a lot of applause. That was the applause for William's sobriety for 50 days.

How about this applause? Jane Gillis has eight empty Bud Lightcams in front of him. There you go. You're doing the right thing. It's about to be nine. Wow. Okay, that's a great ban. That ban has no idea how popular it is.

We do have fun. I love it. Those are some slick new balances you got there. Thank you so much. I got these for $50 on the internet. They look good. They look good. They look good.

Yeah, $50 on the internet. How's your new place in Austin doing? You have a place. You live with your girlfriend. You're here. Yeah, it's going good. I've been... I think I've told you I've been eating now a bunch of the raisin.

Swirl bread. Oh, yeah, you got... He got off of it. I just love it. And got addicted to H-E-B raisin swirl bread, everybody. So he literally is just plowing through raisin bread, like some kind of dirty junkie. He can't get enough of the raisin bread.

How many raisin breads are you going through? Probably two loaves a week. There's a bunch of melted butter on top. It is so good. Multiple loaves per week, ladies and gentlemen. You deserve it, dude. I do fucking deserve it. You stop.

You stop. I do fucking deserve it. I'm going to keep eating it. Nobody's going to fucking tell me to stop that. Stop that. Nobody's going to fucking tell me to stop eating that fucking bread. I swear to God, I'm not going to stop eating it. I'm going to keep eating that shit.

I love that stuff. I love that bread. I'll never stop. I can eat two more loaves. I love that shit. It's the best. Yes. Raisin bread.

It's the best. Man, I love it. Raisin bread. Raisin swirl. That's enough. This is a... There's nothing that's going to top that, ladies and gentlemen. This was tonight's episode of Kill Tony.

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. How loud can this place get for the great Shane Gillis? Watch every single Gillian Keynes. Look, I say a lot of things. I talk a lot of shit. We say we love our sponsors, everything, right? I'm dead serious. The sketch videos that this guy and his partners have made,

Gillian Keynes, are one of the only comedic things that have been made in the last decade worth fucking watching. I agree. He, this man next to me, is a genius. Please support their cause and watch his videos. You're going to laugh your fucking ass off. Also, check out Matt and Shane's Seeker podcast available everywhere on Patreon.

Check our dicks to all our enemies. But make sure you watch the Gillian Keynes sketch videos most importantly. Tell your friends about them. Have viewing parties. Have a blast watching Gillian Keynes. How about one more time for Shane Gillis, everybody? And guys, this band is unbelievable. Make some noise for him.

John Dees on the keyboard. Matt Mueling on guitar. Michael Gonzalez on drums. And on the bass guitar. Let him hear you. D-madness, everybody. We have so much fun here every single week. This shit's been crazy every Monday here in Austin.

I love seeing you guys out and about on what's supposed to be an off night like this. We have more fun than most people do on the best night of their year. Red Band. Love you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Good night Austin, Texas.

Hey guys, stick around. We have after, after our 30th, and we have a band with our heart before me. We got alcohol. We got barbeque. Let's hand it out. How do you see me coming up? We have the one song about it.

We have an amazing after our party right now. So let's do some music. Throw this shit out. I feel like it's a fucking apple. I'm just going to hit this here. You guys are going to stick. Tommy hits me real bad. I'm going to throw a big one out.

Hey Tony, you should throw a big one out. You should throw a big one out. Hey guys, this one's for Isabella Charles. Come back next week when you get a little better. Thank you. Good night, everybody. You