KILL TONY - #516 - PAULY SHORE + JOSH MARTIN

Episode Date: July 30, 2021

Pauly Shore, Josh Martin, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Michael Lehrer, David Lucas, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/19/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—Super Speciosa! Try Kratom and get 20% off your entire order – go to GetSuperLeaf.com/tonyand use promo code TONY for 20% off your entire order—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony. Austin, Texas. It's Monday night. You ready to fuck some shit up? Yeah, let's do a big dirty comedy show everybody. Make some noise for my good

friend Brian Red and everyone. We are here in Austin. Shit's crazy. Whoo! I got distracted up there talking to our guest tonight. How you doing Red Band? Great, what's? Yeah, there it goes. There's a little... How about a hand for the band everybody? What the fuck is up? Holy shit! Kind of comedy band is this? Chaos, I tell you. Absolute fucking chaos. How about a hand for him? It's the great D-Madness on bass guitar everybody. You know him. You love him. Matt Mueling on guitar and the great Charles. Charles Reedon. Charles Reedon. How about one more time for Charles everybody? It's his first night with us. Michael Gonzalez will be back next week.

Exciting, exciting stuff Red Band. We have these amazing joke books made by the great Adrian Cavazos at Bones Eye and tonight's show of course brought to you in part by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. How many of you love strip clubs out there, huh? If I ever find out you guys go to another strip club other than the Yellow Rose or the Red Rose, you're never allowed at Kill Tony again. That's true. Band for life. We track these things. Fuck yeah. It's the screwball band this week everybody. Screwball peanut butter whiskey. The absolute best fucking peanut butter whiskey you could ever ask for in your goddamn lives. How about that? It's

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good. When you order, make sure to tell rockauto.com that you heard about them on Kill Tony. Rockauto.com. Let's get back into it. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Austin, Texas. Every single week, we have a couple of the funniest comedians in the world in town. You know, I'm a very, very lucky man and I'm blessed to have amazing comedians as friends. And I started at the comedy store in 2007 and I got to tell you, I can't be more excited to have tonight's guests than I possibly am. Ladies and gentlemen, amazing comedy store legends. I mean, what can I say? Legends of the game, the Prince of the

Comedy Store, two of my favorite comedians in the world, Josh Martin and Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. Hang dang, thank you. It's Pauly Motherfucking Shore and Josh Martin, everyone. Pauly Shore is on a Texas tour, everybody. He tried to get fist. Pauly, you can't fist bump team head. There you go. Why didn't he give me a fist bump? What the fuck, dude? He's blind. Oh, shit. Why don't you tell me that shit? I forgot to warn you about that. Pauly Shore's here, everybody. San Antonio tomorrow here at

Vulcan Gas Company this Wednesday. Sorry about that, but I didn't know. Houston Thursday, Dallas Friday and Fort Worth Saturday. His podcast, Random Rants. I've been on it. Everybody's been on it. It's a crazy old time. And make sure to check out the amazing movie Guest House out now on Netflix. Pauly Shore is here, everybody. Also Pauly Shore of Pauly Shore and the Crusties. He started a band. Yeah, I have a band called Pauly Shore and the Crusties and I was thinking maybe we could play, but I don't know if they want to do that shit tonight. You know what I mean? I'm sure something's gonna pop off. Let's give it up for

Tony Red Band, you guys here. Josh Martin, very funny comedian. Josh Martin of the WrestleFetish podcast, a pro wrestling fan, of course. Back when I was in LA, we used to do a pro wrestling podcast together called The Store Horseman and then a global pandemic hit changed everything. But we're all here together. Josh, how are you doing? Hello, everyone. Awesome. You are weird. Josh, awesome. I thought I was weird, but holy shit. You guys are creepy looking. It's great seeing Josh again, Tony. It really is. Josh is one of the people that really helped us out a lot when this podcast first started. And so how about a

hand? You killed Tony fans for Josh Martin. I mean, truly one of the first people ever to believe in the show and a huge part of our history and our present. We're here with Pauly and Josh. You guys know how the show works. A ton of people signed up for the opportunity to get on the show. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Did you hear that? That means that's their time. They have to wrap it up then, Earl. So they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear.

There it is. Seems a little low tonight. Maybe we could turn that up. Maybe we could get a low. Let's turn up the volume a little bit there. 222-234-5678. Is that okay? There you go. That's great. Sound better, huh? You guys excited for a great show tonight? Well, then let's start it off with something special. Let's start with a regular on the show. This guy writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Normally he closes the show. So you guys are seeing the closing as the opening. Diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease a few years ago after decades of experience at Second City in Chicago. He decided once he was

diagnosed to chase his bucket list dream of being a stand-up comedian instead of an improv superstar. And since then he has grown to fame here on Kill Tony as one of the greatest comedians in the show's history. This is a new minute from the great and powerful Michael Lair, everybody. Here he is. Live in the flesh. Moved to Texas literally like a month after Red Band and I. He wanted to be near the live audiences. And here he is now. Guys, guys, guys. Can you get that mic stand? You got that? Oh, not you, Josh. Oh, fuck yeah. Josh. Still producing this show. How about a hand for Josh Martin? And one more time for the great Michael

Lair, everybody. Come on. This guy blind too? What the fuck? No, he's not blind. We don't talk during this part. One more time for Michael Lair, everybody. I'm not blind. I'm just retarded. All my death have vanished. Make some noise. Yeah. I'm doing the responsible thing. Don't name me and tell your bodies. You should all do it too. There is a clinic often. A 35 is open 24 seven is called dreamers or pleasures. Either way, I put my penis in the wall and the machine sucks out the bodies. And when I see a machine, I mean the guy's name is machine. Now, um, look, Bill Cosby is out of jail. A lot of people are upset. All the SWs are like,

boy, so much unconcentralized. But, you know, on the other side, they say sleep is the best medicine. And it's that medicine that's free. Yeah, but for real, I was discussing even the coronavirus is like, I killed four million people and you'd like Cosby out of jail. I need to make a hustable variant. What's next, Louie Nasser? I guess out of jail. Have you been watching the Olympics with like always? What the fuck is cheapo chase? All right. Oh, I don't know, but it sounds racist. I just like guys jumping over hurdles and portals. It seems like something masters used to make their slaves do for entertainment. Michael Lair, getting extra time from us, only from us. Michael, welcome back to the show,

another brand new, uh, that was two minutes and 30 seconds, but we like to let you go however long Yeah, but I should have pulled up, you know, I like that I experiment, but that dragged a little bit, but you know, I learned. So wait, you went to a whorehouse? Is that what you were saying? Yeah. And what's the name of it again? Pleasures your dreamers. So what is it? Pleasures? Dreamers, that fucking guy knows up in the cheap seats, way up in the back. Dreamers back there. And basically, you pay 100 again and 60 for the girl for the girls to the house. And then you tip up to 500. And basically, it's a, um, baitment switch where you basically pay 500 to the churkers to pull. You're getting ripped off, my friend. There's a place in Round Rock. It's 120 bucks.

You get full sex. It's a red van. You are disgusting. No one wants to picture you having $120 sex in Round Rock. You know, Johnny, if I may, um, you know, it's crazy. You pay $120 and the girl has to have sex with a round rock. I just thought of that right then, just like that. Hey. It's a red van Round Rock joke. I gotta say, Michael, I cannot believe that they hired you. This is the weirdest Colonel Sanders I've ever seen in my entire life. I love they keep doing these celebrity things, but I never thought it would cross over to you. I don't know what Colonel Sanders is, but I'm definitely, I'm definitely the gay one. You guys remember Michael from LA, right? I kind of remember him, but I don't fucking remember him.

I kind of, I do remember you. You remember your son too. Yes. Yes. I remember you. Nice to see you. That was awesome. You moved here too, huh? Like, yeah, I was the first after these two. Yep. He sounds like Josh kind of a little bit crazy. The two of us sound exactly alike, but he spent his unemployment money on prostitutes. Yeah. Me, I spent on Lego sets. We have two very different people. Oh, I could like different things. I'm a flipper. It really is. He has a lot of antiques. Michael Larry. I don't know what's up with this guy. He looks like Colonel Sanders, but he also looks like he stole Kobe Bryant's shoes. Oh, yeah. After the helicopter crash, Snoop Dogg, Snoop Dogg. It feel like you

caused the crash and then just stole his shoes and they rolled the fuck off. This could be Kobe. It could also be any Armenian guy's nighttime slippers. Hey, man, I love Armenians. I don't think they're MMA-finding, credit stealing, um, drag racers. Jesus Christ. What'd you do today, Michael? Did you go to any of the local bars on Rainy Street? No. No? Dude, I seem sober. I mean, pretty usual, but um, no, um, we got a new bed and it's a fucking nightmare. Everyone riffs you off, like our better course, $4,000. What? Yeah, well, I get the hospital bed. So exactly beginning

crap and like a two adjustable bed, like a TV bed from the eighties. You know, but um, the rails on this thing go like sharp edges and me and Collette are arguing in the moment how to wrap a swimming noodle around the edges. So I don't roll and cuddle my forehead in my sleep. Everyone's fucking ripping you off. This is a pretty... Is this a new advertiser for a bed? Yeah, I think those of you that want to buy a $4,000 bed with sharp edges and uh, it's one of the most depressing things I've heard of in a long time. That must really suck to be getting ripped off and the bed sucks. Yeah, but nothing compares to the disease guy cursed me with. That's true. To think that the worst part of that

bed is that it's your death bed. It's really sad, right? They could easily end up scraping your body on the sharp railings after you pass away. It could be the first thing that happens. It must be a Casper. Yeah. Hey, I like that. Red Band. Red Band talking ghost mattress jokes over here. Michael, I absolutely love you. What a great way to start tonight's show with a brand new couple minutes from you. We love you so much and we'll see you next week with brand new more materials. Michael Laird, everybody getting things started tonight. How about one more time for Michael Laird? You guys can play a little something. All right, you guys ready to go into this bucket or what, huh? Bunch of people signed up for the chance. This Undertaker thing is

got an Undertaker doll in there. You know what's up. Give it to Josh. Yeah. All right, tonight's show starts with a brand new minute from a man named Balol Swain, everybody. Balol Swain. Here we go. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? All right, we'll see what happens here tonight. You guys love... Oh, shit. One more time for Balol Swain, everybody. Come on. That fall wasn't on purpose. You guys know about autoradic asphyxiation. You think they ever tried to lynch somebody but accidentally ended up causing the greatest orgasm of all time? If somebody tried to lynch me, I'll just start jacking off because I'm not

going to miss the big one. It's the last one. Come on. You guys like pears. Any pear people here? Pears. I hate pears. They're like apples but bad. The only way I would voluntarily eat a pear is if I threw it at somebody and it killed them, I need to get rid of the evidence. Oh, shit. All right, yeah. Wow. That was amazing. Balol Swain. Am I saying that right, Balol? Yeah, yeah. Awesome, man. Absolutely fucking hilarious. Seth, how long have you been on stand up? It's been like four years. Incredible, man. It really shows absolutely hilarious stuff. All of it here in Austin? No, I started out in Detroit. Okay, sweet. Yeah, you know Genevieve? Yeah, I know her. Okay, awesome. How long have you been here? You just visiting? I've been here for like a week.

Okay. How much longer are you here for? Maybe until the end of time. I don't know. I could get hit by a post or something. Okay. Hell yeah. I love this shit. Seems like you're very flexible. What do you, how's this spin going for you? What do you normally, how do you make money? How do I make money? I don't. Okay. I love it. Is that what you were doing pre-pandemic as well? Did you have a job before the pandemic hit? Kind of, like I'd always prioritized comedy though. Right. That was why I did everything. You're hilarious. Thanks, man. Everything you do is funny. It's pretty crazy. You're like a funny Michael Che. No, wait, no, wait, no, hold on. It's like a Michael Che did comedy. Had comedic timing and beats and shit like that. This show was really good.

No, I'm kidding. I'm a huge fan of Michael Che, but it was just a funny thing to say right then. So Bilal, what else are you into? You have any hobbies or special skills? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to like fucking pick up some instruments or some crazy shit like that. You do other things too, right? You're an artist. I like to draw. You draw? Yeah. Okay. What do you tend to draw? But I like to draw like whatever pops into my head. I've been trying to get into animation. I love it. I love it. Oh, wow. Absolutely. You have a girlfriend? No. I think every girl is just racist. It seems like those ones would also be into you though, right? Isn't that how it works? Like

don't white girls that hate black guys like fucking them? But I use the same excuse for why women aren't into me. They're just racist. Yeah, it works. It works both ways. It never works for me though. Polly Shore, you are the son of the greatest judge in the history of comedy. My God, Mitzi Shore, everybody. Famous owner and creator of the comedy store, the greatest comedy. She would say, have him call me on Monday. Right. Yeah, he's fucking funny, dude. Yeah, very funny. That's what she'd say about Bilal. I love it. You ever perform anywhere other than Detroit? You get around sometimes? Yeah, I've been in New York for the past few months. Oh, yeah. Awesome. How's that been going? It's been going good. Yeah. What's fun about New York?

What do you like? You don't have to care about people because there are so many of them. You're absolutely fantastic. You are absolutely fucking fantastic. I like this guy's attitude. He really is. He's like, fuck you. None of you are important. It's true. He's very calm, cool, and collected, especially, shall I mention, especially since you felt coming up the stairs. I never would have guessed that of anybody. Now that I've met you, you know, when you were first coming up and you felt the stairs, I'm like, here we go. There's no way I possibly thought. I want to give him money because he says he has none. So I thought it would be nice to give him a hundred bucks, bro. Polly Shore with a hundred

dollars. Oh my goodness. Polly Motherfucking Shore. That's awesome, Polly. How cool is that? Thank you so much. I mean, the guy said he's fucking got no money. He's here. You know, give him fucking hundred bucks, dude. Now you give him a hundred bucks. I'm not going to do that every time. You're giving him another. No, don't give him another hundred. Are you going to? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I mean, I don't think that's awesome. Absolutely. You should have a fucking nice meals and fucking barbecue and shit. You know what I mean? Have a good time. Get some fucking prostitutes or some shit, dude. Polly, if you get Polly, I mean, 200 bucks can get you some of that shit, right? But I'm warning you right now. A lot of these comedians I'm pulling out of this bucket

tonight are going to be broke as shit. If you keep going the path you're going, you're going to be going all the way to fucking residuals from in the army now and shit. You're going to be digging deep. He's taking it back. He's taking the money back. The other one, too. The other one, too. I was fucking kidding. Relax, assholes. Polly, motherfucking sure. Oh, it's so cool. Bilal Swain. Josh is going, what the fuck? That's not cool. I'm on the panel and I'm broke as shit. Give me some fucking money. Bilal, I love it. What do you think you're going to spend that 200 bucks from Polly sure on if you had to guess? What's something you're going to treat yourself to here in Austin,

Texas? I'm going to give it to a homeless person. Take that money back, Polly. Grab that one. No, that's for you, dude. Come on, let's get some fucking food and shit and hang out later. You can buy it, too, okay? When the check comes, he's fucking paying, bro. That could be his biggest credit. IMDB paid just as I paid for lunch for Polly sure. That would be good. Bilal Swain, my only, Bilal, come here. Take one of these amazing Kill Tony joke books. Bilal, sign up again, will you? Come back. Bilal, you'll come back. Sign up again. Come back. I want you to come back. You're hilarious. One more time for the great Bilal Swain, everybody. He's on social media at BILALSWAIN, so that's where to find him. You know, I'm thirsty, Tony.

What? I'm thirsty. Oh, yeah, me, too. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Vulcan Gas Company, everyone? I love one of your delicious Crown Royal and Coca-Cola's, please. Me, also. We love Crown and Coke, an American Canadian super beverage. Your next comedian goes by the name of Darian Irwin. Step back from that ledge. Come on, one more time for Darian Irwin, everybody. Here we go. 60 seconds from Darian. All right. How's everybody doing, huh? This is awesome. Fucking look at this. It's just fun. Guys, I know I look like I'd make sleep apnoises during the day. Because I do, you know? Big, man. I've been big my whole life, you know? I've never played a game of tag and not just been it the whole time.

Again, it's a fucking nightmare, dude. Obesity. This is what my doctor calls it. It's weird because obesity is a disease, he says. He says it's a disease. It's weird because obesity is a disease that you are, right? You don't have obesity. You are obese. You don't have hepatitis C. You are a bad person. Do you see what I'm saying? It's pretty cool. I had this 9-11 joke, but it just never lands well. You know what I'm saying? Boom. Darian Irwin with a brand new minute, everybody. That was amazing. We're off to an

incredible start here on Kiltony. The people love it when comedians do bad and you never give them a chance, Darian. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years. Okay. Sweet. All of that here in Texas? No, I just moved here like a week ago. Oh, wow. Yeah, dude. Were you this big when you got to Texas? Or is this just a week worth of? Just this week, dude. Terry Blacks, dude. This is fucking insane. I love it. I was 140 pounds when I moved here. Absolutely. This is what happens. One week at Terry Blacks. Have you got a job yet? Because they would love to hire you here, I'm sure. Yeah. Would you be at Vulcan? Yeah. Does that seem like a great idea? You could be a door guy. You could be a

whole door guy. I've never heard that before. There you go. You are a big motherfucker, man. You always been a big boy? Always. My whole life has been big. God damn. Hell yeah. Your whole family, your whole family is big? No, this is my nightmare. My whole family is like in super shape, good shape. Yeah. It's an absolute nightmare. Holly Shore just made a really good point. He said he's married. He picked up on the evidence there around that hot dog, Frank. You call a ring finger there. Look at that thing. That is ready to be boiled. Everything. Look at that. Your wife flat chested or everything flat? No. She's skinny though. It's bananas. I don't know what happened. You know what I mean?

Maybe it literally is just bananas. Fruits and healthy foods and then you have a slimmer body. I just can't believe you're just finding this out now. The shit literally is bananas, Darien, or really anything other than what appears to be bread. What is it? What are your go-tos? Like what is your like when you're really feeding that fucking urge, that fucking itch? Are we talking about just like you ever just go you have something crazy you do like straight mayonnaise or something like that? That's insane. No, never straight mayo. What's your go-to? What's the most disgusting thing that you eat? Well, you probably don't even think it's disgusting. Well, yeah, I would eat very much of it if I

didn't like it. I don't know. What's my fucking weakness? Just if you drive by somewhere and they're selling food, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. It's Paulie. Paulie, how many questions are you going to ask without picking up a microphone? Yeah, Paulie. I'm Paulie's translate. Paulie doesn't talk with people over 300 pounds. He has to go through somebody. He's my voice person. You're not allowed to look him directly in the eyes and he doesn't talk to people over 300 pounds. Let's see. Only two things with Paulie. We got some fresh sausages upstairs. Thank you. Okay. We really, there really is a great sea of smokehouse which can be found at Bolden Acres.

That place rules. Yeah. Our boys, Kate and Cody and the great Yoni at Best Barbecue show. They have incredible. That place rules. You'll stick around. Yoni actually turned me on to that place. They got the fucking Crunchwrap, the Berserker Crunchwrap. I can't give you 200 bucks. I can't give you 200 bucks if I give you a sandwich, bro, upstairs. You want a sandwich? You want to get him a sandwich? You saw him upstairs. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you talking? What's happening? Yeah. No, are you hungry? No, I'm good. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But you will be in like, 20 minutes. 20 minutes. I'm just saying there's extra sandwiches upstairs. Yeah. We'll hit it up. So we can feed you if you're hungry. Okay. Yeah. As soon as you walk down the stairs,

you're like, that's the most exercise I've done in years. Oh yeah. I'm out of breath right now from coming up the stairs. Darien, how do you make a living? I play cards for a living. What kind of cards? Mostly hold them. Mostly hold them. Wow. Look at that. You make a living. No, it's not cool. I'm a degenerate gambler. It's don't applause. And you actually. I've lost so much money since I've been here in Texas. But you make more than you lose or how does that work? Yeah, generally speaking. Yeah. Right. That's how you make money. Oh, no, I know. But then you said that you lost a bunch, so. It's not fucking cool, dude. It plays out. I get it. Darien. This is kill Tony, not kill Darien, bro. Let the kids speak. No, he's killing himself. Follow it.

Slow. Slow. This is incredible. So how long have you been a gambler like that for? Dude, actually not very long. About a year, about a year and a half now. It was like, I started playing like right before the pandemic started. And then when the pandemic started, there was nothing to do. So I just started playing like a lot. I might just be on one upswing right now. And it's going to all come crashing down. Right now, fucking. You just keep winning at Texas hold them. Yeah, it's incredible. So I moved to Texas. Every house that you're in is a is a full house. Yeah. You have a lot of trouble with your flushes, right? No. Hello. This guy. These are fat guy poker jokes. Stick with me here. Who's ready to go on a run?

I'm kidding. I love it. So that's fun. I mean, what's your favorite hand in poker? Aces? You look like you have two hearts. Oh. And also four stomachs. That doesn't make sense, bud. Look like you order the 10 of club sandwiches. This is cool. Yeah, it's fun. It's a real fun show. Trying to go as fast as I can, but so you can kill a couple seconds. All right. No, I'm kidding. So what else? You have a girl, you're married. What does your wife do? She's a teacher. Okay. Yeah. What's she teaching? She's teaching fifth grade math. Yeah. Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Yes. She's confirmed this? Yeah. She's not. It's wild that they let her teach. You know what I'm saying? Whoa.

Damian, you son of a bitch. You're going to get in trouble for that one. What do you guys do for fun? How do you keep it funky in the bedroom, Darian? You seem like the kind of guy that's up. We don't. We just try and keep anybody from getting hurt is what we're trying to do. You're always on bottom then? Yeah, Tony. I'm always on bottom. Do you guys switch it up ever? Do you ever do like doggy style or piggy style or whatever it is with you? It's very good. She squeals not me. You know what I'm saying? Whoa. Oh, shit. Oh, come on. What else? What do you do for fun, Darian? What else other than poker? I mean, this and then this stand up in poker. Yeah, man. This is the stand is the most fun thing you can do. You know that.

Apps are fucking lovely. How much time do you have? That I'd be comfortable with like 20 maybe. You know what I mean? I wouldn't take a booking for more than that, probably. Truthfully. Take a what? A booking for more than that, like truthfully. I mean, I could stand up here for an hour and fucking, you know, ask people what they do. You know what I mean? Yeah. What do you? Yeah. Yeah. You know what, Darian? I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Thanks, man. That's awesome. That's what everybody's groaning about. Thank you. What was that weird groan before? Yo, can I make a can I make a comment? I think the comedians are funnier and fucking awesome than L.A. This show for sure. Definitely right now. I'm telling you. I mean, because, well, at least so

far, I mean, I've seen three comics, they've all done good because when I used to be on your show back in the day, it was always maybe one or two good and there were other ones are pretty terrible. Just a lot of the best way they're here. A lot of the best comedians in the world moved to Los Angeles and a lot of the most delusional comedians in the world moved to Los Angeles as well. But we've been lucky so far tonight. An incredible set from EU. Darian Irwin, everybody. There goes Darian. Thank you very much. We're on to the next one here. Darian underscore Irwin underscore comedy on Darian. Darian, you get a big book, buddy. There you go. That's a cookbook. The first ever kill Tony cookbook goes to Darian Irwin. All your favorite kill Tony recipes all in

one book. You guys having fun out there tonight? All right. Can I get a tequila shot? Absolutely. What kind of tequila would you like? I like some Cosmigos or something or Cosmigos. Absolutely. Josh, you want one? No. Your next comedian is Jimmy Stealth, everyone. Jimmy Stealth. This should be exciting. We remember Jimmy from a couple of old school Texas episodes. See what happens here. Here he is. One more time for Jimmy Stealth, everyone. Thank you. I just want to have sex with a woman whose ass is so big. Her name is Fanny. Y'all remember when women used to get named Fanny back in the day?

Does anybody know any women named Fanny? Oh, you do? Okay. Tell us Fanny, this song's for her. This bitch ass was so big they called her Fanny. She rode a little sailboat down to Miami. She got fucked by a whale. His tail took down the sail so the captain had to sail back using Fanny's panties. Thank you. I think I spoke too soon. I just want to have sex. I just want to have sex with a woman whose ass is so big she scratches it like this. What if we really could shut our brains out? Wouldn't that be crazy? Well, well, well. It appears so though the tides of turn, Pauly Shore. Sorry. Little Cosmigos for you. That was like a fucking stock, dude. Yeah, that was incredible. There's just up and then all of a

sudden went, but each, you know, I mean, he looks like a cool mechanic, probably. Yeah. Right? Yeah, he does. Do you do that side work? No, not at all. What do you do on the side? I'm retired. I drive Uber though. You tried the Uber? I drive Uber. Did you hear in Vegas they have the new topless Uber company called Booper? Oh my God. Oh my God. Do I need, do I need to give you a hundred bucks after that? Yeah, I need my hundred bucks. So Jimmy, wow, that was horrible. Thank you. Just to let you know. Thank you very much. So that we're clear here. Thank you. It's just absolutely as bad as it gets. Thank you. A girl with a big butt named Fanny. Remember anyone named Fanny? I mean, at one point I heard D Madness literally

respond to one of your jokes. I think he knows the girl named Fanny. He got so quiet in here. D Madness thought you and him were just here having a conversation. You're like, has he ever meet anyone named Fanny? D's like, no. He forgot that there's hundreds of people around. You were able to manage to make him forget that we are at a live show. I mean, he literally answered you. So you said that you, you're retired and then you said that you drive Uber, which to me sounds like the fucking opposite of retired by the way. Right, right, right. I mean, that's actually, if that's what retirement is, I don't ever want to retire. So what did you retire from? I used to work for the Federal Bureau of Prisons. Oh, that's right. The world's tiniest

prison guard. How could I forget? How could I forget about you? This guy responsible for every escape ever. This fucking guy is out there fucking. It's seem like you're out there with one of those paddle things with a ball. Just doot, doot, doot. I can't even do that. I'm not even good at that. Really? What are you good at, Jimmy? Well, I guess not comedy, huh? Jimmy, don't try to start making jokes now. Okay, just tell us what my bad, my bad, my bad. Answer the questions. All right, Jimmy, tell, I asked you, I asked you, wait, what did I ask you? I don't even remember what he is good at or what you are good at. What I'm good at. I don't know. I'm pretty good at training my dog, Baxter. Okay. Yeah. What did you, what have you been able to

train Baxter? He can, uh, uh, let's see here. Now you're going to put me on spot. Oh, shit. He can catch like a tennis ball, like from really far away. And, uh, he can go on the walk because I just moved here last week. So he's like going out in the water now and swimming. And so I'm just working with him and doing stuff like swimming the opposite. Or is he trying to get away from you? Not yet. Not yet. All right. That's fun, Jimmy. So you got a dog. Some guessing you're single, right? No, no. Oh, another married man. I've been married 26 years. Wow. That's so cool, Jimmy. Thank you. Hell yeah. I love it. What does she do? Uh, she does, uh, we have a company called, uh, Techstar, wastewater services in Houston. So we do installs, maintenance and repair on septic

systems. Remember my dad was here? I knew he was, I knew I could tell you worked like under some shit. Yeah. No, yeah. No, I knew you feel like, can I feel your hands for a sec? Oh, wow. It actually softer than I expected. Okay. He kind of looked at me like I was one of his prison cells, dude. Hell yeah. You remember my dad was in Chicago talking about septic on the Chicago show? Yeah, that makes sense. Absolutely. I would have guessed that, uh, I would have guessed that. So what, so you've been, you've been working in prisons and you're not working in prisons anymore? No, COVID messed me up. How long did you work in prisons for? 20 years to the day. Exactly. Yeah. Do you see some crazy shit? What'd you see in there? I'm not allowed to talk about

it for two years. All right. How about the shitty wastewater business that you work in? Remember my dad was here talking about septic in Chicago? Nobody remembers your grandpa from 200 episodes ago. Okay. Sorry. Come on. Stick with me here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. So tell us about the shitty wastewater business. Uh, well, you stick your head in a hole and you see how much water's in there and if there's too much water, you got to figure out how to get out of there. Fuck. Dude, if I, if I had that job, I'd be writing the best jokes in the world, man. I'd be like, anything to get out of here. You're, you're, you have your head in literally a shithole and you're thinking about fat asses named Fanny and shit. I thought Fanny was good. You're still thinking

about asses and assholes. I thought Fanny would be a good joke. I really did. I came up with that today. I'm like, oh, I'm going to get it with this joke. I'm going to kill. I really did. Dude, that one belongs in the septic tank. Okay. Yeah, that was corny. Okay. All right. Red band. Disgusting. Jimmy, what's the creepiest thing about you? Um, probably I like fat asses. I would imagine. Really? Yeah. But you're a married man. What do you do with these fat asses? You like, memorize? Yeah. Yeah. It's just, you know, porn hub and all that. Oh, okay. They're his best customers. Okay. So when you go to porn hub, what exactly do you type in? Um, usually step mom, porn. I'm looking at stuff. I've had like five step moms. So you had like five step moms. Yeah,

I've had five step mom. A little bit old to have over my whole life. Like my dad, which you don't remember, he got divorced like five times. So I had five step moms. So growing up, I might have been in their hamper smelling their panties. Oh, shit, dude. For real. Don't act like none of you motherfuckers ever did. I know some of y'all was smelling dirty panties. And at your height, it must be weird having to reach over the hamper to get the panties out. Smell them. Then you have to shoot back in like a basketball. But those of you just listening to the podcast, Jimmy Stealth, uh, amongst his many jobs is also the vice president of the lollipop guild. Always. You have such a munchkin face, you son of a bitch. I've been on the show three times and you

said the same joke about me every fucking time, right? And I always will because that's what, that's what specifically you look like, Jimmy. Right. That's exactly what you look like. So what you're saying is, is like, that's exactly what the fuck you look like. Last time you called me. Last time you said I looked like a full abortion. There you go. Well, Jimmy, Jimmy is one of the only people that comes up here and only wants to talk about his last appearance on the show. He's like, you might not remember this and you also might not remember this. I'm sorry. My dad, this joke, when he died, that's why you met him and now he's dead. So I thought maybe. Oh, Jesus, Jimmy, can you make this any more depressing? No, no, no, no, no.

Well, rest in peace, dad. It was a COVID that got him. No, you got your slide rule ready, Red Band, your slide. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, stick with me over here. He wants to produce the show and be party. He wants to sit here. That's not cool. My father was hit head on by a red cement concrete truck. Thank you. I dreamed about that day. Jimmy, let Red Band do the sound effects. I've dreamed about this day. He was hit head on by a cement truck head on straight on cement truck. Jesus, how old was it? On a motorcycle. Oh, shit. And he was on a motorcycle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Well, at least you know he died. I thought you'd remember him and talk about him. I'm sick of you. There he goes. Jimmy Stealth, everybody. There he goes. Get him out of here. Jimmy, there you go.

A small joke book for Jimmy Stealth. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to bring a regular up. Known for his incredible joke writing and roasting abilities. Make some noise for the great and powerful David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. Here he is live in the flesh. The great David Lucas. Yeah. What up? What up? Am I the only person that when they go to the airport, judge people when they go to stupid ass locations. Like, nigga, you going to Milwaukee? And you on Spirit Airlines? It better be a fucking funeral. That's all I know. You better not be going to a fucking wedding. If my friend got married in Milwaukee, I ain't going.

Spirit Airlines is the worst airline in the world. I'd rather ride a horse across the country than like, no, Spirit Airlines. So ghetto. I got on one of their planes one time and the pilot asked for gas money. He was like, if everybody give 20, we'll make it. It was a plane full of folding chairs. I'm like, is this a cookout? I looked in the cockpit and the nigga had the ways up up. I'm like, what the All right, y'all. Thank y'all. The great David Lucas, everybody, bringing the show back to the comedy portion. Yeah. Always consistent. Yeah. Always a homerun hitter.

My man, you're looking good tonight. I like this look. You too. Oh, thank you. Is this a compliment off we're having for the first time ever? I got to say, you look like the original gay man. Oh, you know what? I thought we were going to be nice to each other for a second. You tricked me. Yeah, you started. You started gay. Oh, my God. That motherfucker jacket. Oh boy, you got a motherfucker. Mexican seat cover. Oh my God. Jesus, that is not nice. David Lucas has been busy. You're headlining Pittsburgh coming up. That's so cool. He performed at a Miami apartment building a few weeks ago. Maybe you guys heard about that. He was on the 20th floor. Son of a bitch. I go, I go on his, uh, what is it? The

face, is it FaceTime or Instagram lives? Are you going on my Instagram live here? Right, bro. We check in and make sure you're okay. Right. The second I log in, you're, oh, shit, there's Paul. And then we start talking, right? Yeah. And then I start touching myself. I'm like, oh, shit. There he is. Motherfucker. There's the motherfucking brother. For those of you that don't know, David has hilarious Instagram lives. One of my favorite parts is that his arms are so short. He can't get his whole face in the, uh, in the frame of the thing. He's got a big face and short arms like a Tyrannosaurus Rex over here. When you do an Instagram live, all you see is a right booty cheek. Come on. That's, that's in the background.

The only way you can call somebody is with a butt dial. You son of a bitch. When you butt dial, you go through the whole phone book. Trying to think of yellow pages. You go through the whole yellow pages. You got, you know, you got all the comedies for people here. Yeah. I heard Don Barris is moving to Austin. He's going to come. That's what he said, right? Don's coming out. Brian Holtzman's already here. Yeah. Where's fucking Brian? He'll be here Friday. He's on the road as well. Oh yeah. David's been doing a lot of work on the road. Where's posing? They're, they're all here. They're all around. Like me and Josh, you want to move to Austin or what's up? Come on, Josh. Come on. What do you think? Bring your ass. Come on. Yeah.

David could bring his ass. You can definitely bring yours. Yeah. Josh, we can be roommates. We can move down here to Austin with David had to double check the situation. Then I'm good in LA. I don't want to live. He really knows how to bring a crowd to a ruckus here. David, uh, another very fun set. What else do you have coming up? What else do you want to plug? You're doing the road, the rocky road, every kind of road. Pittsburgh improv July 25th. You know what I'm saying? Headline. My first eight club, I'm headlining, man. And that's where? When? July 25th, Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh. That's huge. Pittsburgh improv. The friends of mine out in Youngstown make that hour long drive. Go watch David do a long set. I bet you're going to light

up everybody in that audience. 45 minutes, baby. If you in that splash zone. Oh shit. Goddamn right. By the way, check out, if you haven't checked out, David Lucas and William Montgomery were hired to sell a house in a real estate commercial. Check out their Instagram. And it is so funny, man. Check that out. Hey, all y'all producers listen and give us a fucking movie. Shit. All of you know somebody. You just had a movie drop during the quarantine. No, you're very talented, bro. And I just got to figure out who's going to finance it because I get the guy, my 200 bucks. I am. I'm just starting to fucking think maybe you still owe me 500, bro. That's from what? From the St. Louis show. David, this is not how it's going on. It's worse.

We didn't. You told me and I took off work and I got two kids. Oh my God, David. Yeah, put that fire on it. I'm not going to have any Coke money for later. Cocaine's free out here, Paulie. Shit. Okay. No, whoa, whoa. You could 25 20s. Venmo. I'm Paulie. It's a sell some Encino man shirts tomorrow. Some wheezing the juice, buddy. Krusty hats. Paulie, you always good in my book, bro. You always good. Yeah, Paulie. Sure. It's a fucking legend, dude. What are you talking about? He's always good in

your book. You don't even have a book, David. It's a fucking cookbook. Hey, my boy just made me a book last week. Burnside cookbook. That's what I said. All right. Anyway, we'll keep moving along here. David, you're an absolute fucking legend. Again, you did it again. Another brand new minute, 15 seconds from the great David Lucas, everybody. Come on. All right. Now she can get wacky again because back to the bucket we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Zach Nor Powell. Zach Nor Powell, everybody has been selected on Kill Tony Live in Austin, Texas. Here he is. One more time for Zach Nor Powell. I was the angry black dude in college. That was me. I admitted

it. Kids would ask me dumb liberal white things. Hey, Jacques, what are your pronouns? Now I'd be like because you can't say it, so don't talk to me. My professors would ask dumb things too. Does anybody believe in being PC? Now I'd be like, I believe in being PC professor. Oh, really, Jacques? Yeah, I believe in punching crackers. Crackers, coons, cunts, whatever works for your context as you know. It's all up to you. I do think there's one person we need to cancel though. That's one thing I do believe in. Cancel culture is one thing. This is one dude. Y'all know I'm talking about the dude from 1960s. He was a walking womanizer. He walked and cheated during the 60s. Well, Martin Luther King Jr.,

my bad, Martin Luther King Jr. He walked and cheated on his wife. He fucked a lot of white women, but I don't blame him. The dude was stressed out. Lot of pressure. He died 33 looking 53. That's all I'm saying. Hell yeah, Zack Norr. Am I saying that correctly? One more time for Zack Norr, everybody. Another very fun set. Zack Norr? Jacques Norr. Jacques Norr. Jacques Norr, Poe. Fuck yeah, that's a cool name. Thank you. Z-S-A-K-N-O-R. Z-S-A-K-N-O-R. Is that French? It is not French. I'm not Cajun. I'm from Louisiana though. Okay, what part of Louisiana? Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. We have a couple friends from our favorite band, Nether Hours, playing right after the show. So, Zack Norr, how long have you been in stand-up?

About two or three years. Okay, what do you do for work? Motion graphic designer. Okay, you've been getting work during this pandemic? Yeah, been doing work and been doing some documentary work too during the pandemic. Okay, very cool. You seem like a good-looking guy. What's your love life like? Single as can be. Pauli agrees. Very, very handsome. Thank you. Pauli's tight. Uh-oh, he's moving farther back. I'm afraid you're going to throw your cock at him or something like that. So Jacques Norr. Yes, yes. Absolutely. Motion graphic designer. Been doing it a couple few years. Single as hell. How do you end up single? By choice. Okay, so you get around sometimes here and there? Depends when I want to. All right, okay. Can I ask you, I was in Vegas the other

night hanging out with some black people. Uh-oh. You took a wrong turn or something like that? And he said to me, the black guy, I'm like, dude, you guys are getting all the pussy because I see this of videosblack.com. Uh-huh. Have you seen it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, like- The only person in this room who hasn't seen it is Demadness. Everybody watches that. So, so do you just have sex with white girls or black girls too? No, I'm team black and brown. Oh, straight up. Okay. Wow. Yeah. I'm not in a white woman like that. That's just not my thing. Have you tried it? I have. It gave me a nightmare. Really? Oh my god. Interesting. So now sometimes you sleep, you just see a fat white ass coming at you and oh no. What made it give you a nightmare?

What happened? Uh, met this white girl. It was back in Brooklyn. Uh, met this white girl. It was cool. We had, you know, had some drinks, went back to her place. Then after we fucked, I stepped over and I had this like weird nightmare about my high school experience and I woke up in a cold sweat. And I felt like my ancestors was like, that's not for you, dawg. That's not for you. Wow. What happened in high school? That's not for you, dawg. What happened in high school? High school. Uh, uh, I'll say it like this. I went to the same high school, little boozy went to. That's the same type of high school. Kevin Gates type of hood high school. So it was a lot of just traumatic hood shit all the time. Okay. Yeah. All right. Like, what, what

type of stuff? So these people, these boring white people can fathom what you're talking about a little bit. Uh, um, shit. The first, the first two months I got there, it was this cute girl I was into like across, across like the aisle on the bus and she left her phone there one day. Someone, let me ask you this. If you're going to an all black school, who sits in the back of the bus? Everybody. It's just doing wheelies all down the street, the bus. Yes. If you're not laughing at that, you can get the fuck out if you want. I'm encouraging you. Okay, Jock Norr, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I wanted to squeeze the joke in there. Somebody picked up a phone and it turns out this girl was like fucking this older dude

and she recorded it and left videos on her phone. And so the videos like went kind of viral around the school and people kept dropping them. Like they were like back behind the scenes and directed scuts videos. So we will all get new videos every other week of them fucking in the dance room. But then we realized the dude that she was fucking was on was like over age, like he was like 19. So the dude got arrested, like in front of the school, like within like a month, like they actually, but they found this dude. Yeah. And the thing is I knew, I knew both of them. I was cool with him too. So it was, it was shit like that. Yeah. But what does that have to do with you not wanting to fuck white girls? I don't understand, bro. Because I'm just trying

to mention the fact that I was in Las Vegas with some black dudes and they love having sex with white girls. Let me ask you and then it got into that shit. I didn't want to go there, bro. No, I agree. I'm gonna go get some sandwiches. No, they're not ready yet. There's no sandwiches made yet. You want one though? You want some charcuterie? Okay, roll up some ribs later. Let me ask you this. So you wake up at that white girls house that one night that you hooked up with one and slept over. Did she try to make you breakfast? Does she just give you money? I've heard of this happening to black men that hook up with white women. White women just start immediately taking care of you guys. It's called D-Tex, D-Tex. You don't have to fuck the D-Tex, bro. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You don't got to fuck a white girl to have her make breakfast for you in the morning. Black girls make you breakfast too. If you got the right game, a lot of people can make you breakfast. That's all I'm saying. You got the right game. Okay, what's the wildest, what's the breakfast that you remember the most, the next morning breakfast? Because it seems like you're really speaking from experience with all of your exotic, exotic breakfast. No, I had one girl make home fries, but just like some scratch. French fries? Like home fries. Like waffle fries? No, home fries. Like home fries? Like chunks of potato? Like what are we calling this? Okay, yeah, chunks of potatoes. Chunks of potatoes. Yes. Okay. And that's the one that you're like,

damn, this might last more than just one. She has a freezer? What the fuck? She goes shopping. That's amazing. Oh, no, there's no way she cut those potatoes that morning. Really? Yeah. She cut the potatoes? She cut the potatoes, fried them up. Oh, okay. I see what's going on. Now I know what home fries are. I just pictured it. Yeah, that seems easy. She throws them in the frying pan with some oil, flips them around, salt and pepper. She didn't soak them in water yet though, so too starchy price. Yeah, but look, I appreciated the effort. I appreciated the effort. All right. That's very interesting. We've never talked about next morning's sex breakfast before on the show, so it's a fun thing to get to cover. You said you're a brown girl,

so you're into Latino girls a lot also? Yeah. Wow. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? I draw. I draw. What else? That's my first love. I feel like that's the second thing you were going to say. There was a first thing that- No, I was going to say music. Like I make music on the side for fun. What type of music do you make? Just like hip hop. Really? You rap? Yeah. If you have one of your beats online right now? Yeah, it's on my the bandcamp page I have. Bandcamp. Bandcamp. Here we go. How do we find that? What's it under? Blank Children Bandcamp. Blank Children Bandcamp. Hopefully, maybe it come up. Hopefully it will. Yeah, I think it probably will. Blankchildren.bandcamp.com. Yes, that is it.

So if we played something, would you do a little something for us? What would we play? American Blues? Can I dance next to him when he does it? Is that cool? Which one? What do we look at? No, but I'm not gay, bro. I'm just cool. We're cool, right? Okay, wait. I'm not going to touch your D, bro. We're good. We're straight. Well, I'm thinking do I have to pick something danceable then because I don't have anything danceable. We can dance together. He's going to dance no matter what. Trust me. I got my pink shirt for you. Paulie's dance isn't going to be quite as elaborate as you think it's going to be. It's the, it's the one, the flying one. Yeah, up above that. Yeah, that one.

Okay. And the pick the track. Don't worry. Don't worry. All right. Here we go. You guys ready to see Jacques Noor Pal do a little show for us. Austin, I said, are you ready to see Jacques Noor fucking do a little song for us? Come on. Sweet, baby. Sweet, baby. Come on, polish your holding. And it's holding on for my life. Sweet, baby. I'm going Paulie. Hey, you looked at me weird, bro. It is happening. Sweet, baby. Sweet, baby. Give me nothing but tears. Y'all don't give me nothing but fear. I don't worry.

I don't worry. All right. All right. Jacques Noor Pal, everybody. That's great. Are all your songs like that, like simple and not complex at all? I thought you were really going to, uh, that was the intro. If you would have kept going, that would have been around. Is there a part where he like speeds up or something? Or like, no, uh, no, I just, that's the, that was 50% into the song. Right. So like, that was like a whole other part, but it's, no, it's, it's all good. We got a time limit. It's next time, right? Jacques Noor. We'll get, we'll find a better track next time. We'll bring this place to a fucking ruckus. No, it was good. Demand is approved of it. Absolutely. I just saw Jacques Noor literally go in for the fist bump, by the way. At least

Paulie was kidding. You forgot for a second. No, it's just, just like black. This is like the first thing to do. I get it. I know it's a black thing. Because I'm wearing this jacket, doesn't mean I don't know what cool black things are. All right, Jacques Noor. Very fun set. Nice to meet you. Come back. Do the show again. Jacques Noor, everybody. Jacques Noor, take one of these. Bonzai, Adrian Kavazos. Follow him at bonzai on Instagram. Amazing work. Jacques Noor pals on social media. Z S A K N O R. Let's keep it moving. Your next comedian goes by the name of Chewy Meskin, everybody. Chewy is here again. Chewy. It's okay. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Chewy. No Chewy. Okay.

Hey, baby. All right, baby. Dalen Mendoca, Dalen Mendoca, D A Y L E N. Here we go. Dalen Mendoza or Mendoca. There he is. One more time for Dalen, everybody. All right. Hey, what's up, guys? How's it going? Fuck yeah, dude. My name is Dalen. I'm from Las Vegas, Nevada, prostitution in the United States. Fuck yeah. Yeah, dude. Pretty dope. I didn't really do my research before I got here at Austin. I didn't really like know anything about the homeless issue before I got here. And my city's got a lot of half naked people on street corners asking for money. This city seems to have a lot of that too. I didn't I didn't realize that. Except you just can't have sex with these ones. That's the fucking problem.

Yeah, it's kind of a stupid rule. I think we should do something called Prop B. We should vote on that. I don't know. I paid a guy $5 for a hand job the other day and like, I didn't know he was homeless. I just saw you guys had bitching deals on hand jobs out here. I was like, holy shit. Is this fucking six trees or screwp on street? Where am I right now? I love Texas though. Like everything's different here. You know, even the beer, the fucking beer is great, right? Oh my God. Even the sound opening of beer is different. You open a beer anywhere else just regular standard. You open a beer here in Texas go fuck Nancy Pelosi. Oh my God. This place is amazing. Yeah, dude. Okay, thank you. Dayland Mendoza, everybody. Hell yeah.

Welcome to the show. Absolutely welcome. I think that last joke should have been his first joke. And I think maybe the next jokes would have been. Yeah, I think different jokes all together would have been better. It's really what I think. Thank you. Dayland, welcome to the show. Straight out of a Kohl's catalog. You are absolutely adorable. I mean, Jesus, just the cleanest, whitest guy I've ever seen in my entire life. I mean, you make me look exotic. Oh yeah. Dayland, where are you from? I'm from Reno and Las Vegas, Nevada. Reno and Las Vegas. So how long were you in Las Vegas for? I was a kid. So I was there from eight until like 12. Okay, eight to 12. Where were you before you were eight? Reno. So I've been

from Reno to Vegas. So Vegas, you were there when you were eight to 12? Yes. Okay. And then where'd you move when you were 12? Back to Reno. Oh, back to Reno again. Geez, things didn't turn out so well in Vegas, huh? No, my dad moved back. Why? Why'd your dad move back? He was a drug dealer there, so he wasn't really like, I don't know, we just moved within like a week's notice. So I'm not quite sure what happened. But you know, as an adult, you haven't asked him like, Hey, Dad, what was all that shit about back in the day? I mean, he's in prison right now. You seem like the kind of guy that would never speak to your father like that, right? No, dude, he's a scary guy. So never talk. Is he? Yeah, he's he's in prison right now. So that's why I've never. Wow, what's he doing in

prison? Um, you know, just hanging with the boys, I guess. How did he get? I don't know, man. That's not really what I meant. That's not really, I'm not asking what's your father currently doing in prison. How did your father end up in prison? What did he get arrested for? Well, he he assaulted my ex step grandfather, your ex step. That's the weirdest porn I've ever heard of right there. You hear of stepmom porn, you never hear of ex step grandfather porn, the hottest porn. Question was it with a cement truck? Hey, related. Yeah, that was my could have been could have been he headbutted them. So wow. And then the guy hit his head on the cement. Yeah. No, that wasn't a joke. I'm asking like you're asking for real. Did he die from the headbutt? Because normally when

people fall on cement, it's that so he's he's alive. He's good. The older guy. Oh, yeah, he's okay. Just a random assault. Um, it was like we know we had it coming. But but I mean, like, yeah, he ended up just fine. Yeah, he was okay in jail for he's been there for five years. Jesus for one fucking headbutt. Well, he's done a lot of bad things to be honest. I'm going to be real too. Yeah. He's a good he's a good guy just makes bad choices. You ever go visit him? Not once. No. Are you ever his phone call? I'm his only phone call for the most part. When does that happen? Can you call him at all? I think we should call him right now. That's what I was I was trust me. I wish we could have I already looked into it. You can't call him right now. Yeah,

yeah, it doesn't work like that. No, that sucks. How about your mom? You close with your mom? Yeah, I love my mom. She's my best friend. Absolutely. I love that. And what's your mom doing now that your dad's been in prison for five years? Who's railing her? Who's fucking your mother? So they were never married. Okay. So I had a step. I had a step dad. They're divorced now. My mom's not really good at one of picking them, but she's a great lady. So, you know, she's what makes her great lady. She's just a fucking she's really cool. She's been a single mom for like three of us for the most part. That's great. Kind of picked some shitty two sisters. So I have two younger sisters. One is 12. One is nine. I have two older brothers. One is 23. The other one is 22. He's a

step brother. Okay. Yeah. What do you do for fun, Daylana? You seem like the kind of guy that has Pokemon cards and shit like that. Right? Dude, I used to I was really into that shit. I bet you fucking were. Yeah. But now I used to fucking play video games all the time. But since I've moved here, I try to like get rid of everything and just focus. When did you move here? April. April. So what are your favorite things about Austin since moving here? I love the nature here. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do for fun? You go out in one of those like duck shaped pedal boats and go down the river. Hey, everybody, how are you today? Beautiful day in Austin. Now I've done the paddleboard thing. That was tight. You did paddleboarding? Yeah, that was cool.

Okay. Super cool. You must have blended in perfectly with every other paddleboarder in Austin. I look just like every single one of them. Yeah. You're goddamn right. Absolutely. Why did you move to Austin from Vegas? I moved from Reno. Okay. Why did you move from Nevada, that fucking dry ass area of America to Austin? What was the reason? Reno. Reno already. Just honestly, just comedy. It's embarrassing to say, but yeah. Yeah. He moved here for comedy. Really? Yeah. There's no comedy in Vegas. That's true. Paulie Shore lives in Vegas. It's pretty sad. He put an end to all that. He told them, guys, let's just chill for a bit. All right. Yeah. You look like you're here for like a Mormon trip. That is true. Yeah, dude. I used to know a lot

of moments. I worked for a Mormon company for a long time. You worked for a Mormon company? Yeah. I sold furniture at this place called RC Willy. Shout out. Yeah. They're pretty cool. Big shout out. Your business is booming on it. Yeah. I'm not Mormon, but... What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that thinks eating pussy is a bit yucky. It's okay. My love life is not great, I'll be honest. I'm not a big... I don't know why. I'm just not super like... Do you get close? Are you like... Oh yeah. You get really close, but you just can't close? No, I'm just like a super... I like someone, I like him a lot, and that's the only person I like. Oh, look at you with your big heart. No, that's because your mom's your best friend,

bro. Yeah, dude, I know. You let the chickens too close to the coop, dude. I have no idea what I'm talking about. So give us an example of you like overly falling in love. Have you ever done anything like super lame, like first date, first night, right after the first kiss, like so is this forever, like what's the silliest thing you've done? Honestly, man, I fucking... I met one girl. I met her one time, and then I bought festival tickets for myself and her. She didn't know. Yeah, what festival? Game Pride? No, I'm kidding. Go ahead. It's called Night in the Country. It's out in Nevada. It's like just a big-ass country thing. It's a fun thing that almost anybody would want to go to, right? Yeah, sure. Okay, go ahead. And I told her that I was like,

hey, sorry, like I bought some tickets for me and my friend. He can't go. Can you come? And I had known her for like eight hours. But wait a second. Did you buy... Did you... You didn't really buy them for the friend that couldn't come? No, no. So I didn't want it to seem weird, so I lied, and I was like, yeah, my friend fucking fell out. Yeah. But wait, wait a second. It was eight hours after you met her? It was... So I had hung out with her for like two dates, total of like, you know, eight hours. Yeah. And didn't really know her that well, but I was like, I fucking love this chick, so I did that. Oh my God, you love her. The way you said it. I've never seen a man even do that before. You're so adorable. You're such a sweet guy. Thank you. Appreciate it. My God. Are you sure

you're even into women, bro? Like, you're such a sweet guy. I feel like you deserve like a good little boy or something like that. My brother is for sure, yeah. So you loved her after two dates. Where were the dates? Like, what are we talking about? You guys went bowling once or do a movie, or what are we doing here? Here's some dumb shit. We want to get... Do you know what rolled ice cream is? Not really, but someone's dying of laughter because it's as lame as I could probably imagine it is. Yeah, they like... It doesn't fucking matter. Let's roll up something, have an amazing date. I'm on some ice cream, huh? You don't make that noise, but I hear it when you say there was. Got it out of them. Fuck yeah. Alright, so rolled ice cream and then what? What happens

at the end of that night? You give her a little smooch on the cheek when you drop her off? You drop her off? No, dude, we just met there separately. You met at the rolled ice cream place. Holy shit. Yeah. So there you are. You're both there by yourselves. You're at a rolled ice cream place. No, we didn't meet there. We met... We took different cars as well. Took different... Oh, you guys drove separately. Yeah, we met on bumble. Wow, so you met on bumble, and was it your idea to meet at the rolled ice cream place? Oh my God. You are the straightest faggot I've ever met in my entire life. Hello. And that's coming from me. Hell yeah, dude. That's like... That's the fuck calling the kettle gay right there. All right, so thank you, Red Band. So you decide on rolled

ice cream. You guys drive separately to the rolled ice cream place. Then what happens? Then we hung out. We talked for like three hours. What part of that conversation do you remember? Where do you remember like being like this is going my way or like this is going good? She thought it was funny that I... Hey, man. Jesus, dude. He's laughing at the funniest shit. Fuck, dude. He's a dude surrounded by three beautiful women, and he's just looking at this. This is the only guy that thinks you're a bigger dork than I do right now in the room. He's sitting right there. Yeah, he's got fucking three chicks. Stick with me over here. Stick with me. Don't bother the fucking people to pay for the good

seats, my friend. All right, so what's the part of the conversation that you thought things were going good? Oh, I just told her that my mom was my best friend. She fucking laughed right in my face. She laughed in your face. You said my mom's my best friend. She started laughing at you. But it was like... Did she use the F-word like I just said a minute ago or anything like that? No, she just laughed. She held it in. She just laughed a little bit. Okay, so that happened. So how does that date end? You guys are at the World Ice Cream Place and you give her a hug? Yeah, dude. Yeah, I know. I was like... Just one hard hug? Yeah. Did you hold on to it for a few seconds? I wasn't trying to be weird because I knew like already... We know you're not trying to be

weird. At this point here, balls deep, rolled ice cream, mom's your best friend. The only weird thing you could do now is like do a somersault and be like goodbye. So what exactly was weird? What was the goodbye? Two second hug, five second hug, eight seconds. Did you say something? It was like two, maybe three, and then I was like, hey, we should hang out again. That was all I saw. Okay, okay, right, Dan. Okay, so that's date one. Maybe we should hang out again. Do you remember her saying something? She was like, yeah, sure. Okay, of course, exactly. Then she just speeds away. Yeah, maybe again. Goodbye. Well, during the hug, do you like sniff her hair? Do I sniff her hair? Yeah, just to try to get that smell. I didn't. This guy doesn't seem like a real

sniffer. He seems like he would take a sample like for himself. Little DNA, sleep with it. Okay, so date two. How does it happen? How long do you wait before you message her after that bumble date? My guess is... 20 seconds. Really? Was it? No, my guess is literally like four hours or so, right? That night, like, hey, again, I had so much fun today. Just wanted to let you know, if you don't remember, I'm the guy from the rolled ice cream place. No, it was weird. So I didn't know this, but me and her dad worked together. We were coworkers. Oh, shit. Where are we guys working? Red Band. Yeah, so I was telling you, like, the place, the Mormon place, it was a furniture place called R.C. Willey. Yeah. Well, hickory dickory duck. If I didn't forget about that

gosh darn furniture place all over again. Yeah. All right, so date two. Let's talk about it. You set it up, right? You're talking with one another. Where do we go on date two? So, and Reno, there's this thing called Art Town, which is a stupid ass name. It's just like two weeks... No, you don't have to tell us. We know it's a stupid ass name. Keep going. So you go to Art Town. What do you guys do there? What do you do? So there's, like, music and, you know, other events that are open to the public. And we just hung out. She taught me how to salsa dance. That was cool. She really gave you a chance here. She opened up the fucking gates. So right there is your salsa dancing for about how long? Honestly, dude, probably like only 15 minutes or so. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that was

it. Can we see an example of the salsa dancing? I think that's a great idea, actually. Josh knows the show well. Very rarely do I like it when guests pitch an idea for a segment, but absolutely. Can we get a little salsa music here? Oh shit. Oh my god. This isn't... Wow. Even my pussy got dry watching this. All right, all right, all right, all right. You are the whitest white guy of all time. I know, dude. My bad. That was a bad call out, dude. You should have known I can't fucking salsa dancing. Can you do any kind of dancing? No, dude. Right. Hell no. All right. So you're salsa dancing with her. You guys are having drinks? No, I don't think so. No. You're not drinking at all. What do you have? What are we talking about? What? Why aren't you drinking? I don't even remember

to be honest. You don't remember why you weren't drinking? Uh-uh. But you just don't drink. You don't drink? No, I drink. Really? What do you drink? Those little cartons of milk that they give you at school. Those little... I've been saving this for a long time. If you put it in the freezer, it lasts forever. You fuck. Oh, look at this guy. Drinking a can of beer over here. Yeah. He's about to get drunk and pass out from that one sip. What is that? All right. We're in overtime. I'm gonna shoot it just for a sec, bro. Please. Let him have a little sip here. Do some shot of tequila. Oh, let's face the audience. Face the audience when you do it. This way. This way. All right. All right. We're about to watch a little boy vomit live on stage again. My prediction is...

What the fuck? Oh, pretty good, dude. Pretty good. He took the whole fucking shot. I was just supposed to take half. Wow. That's incredible. He's about to take it back. All right. He is. I looked at it. I was like, that's a lot, dude. I'll take you on me to do that. That was very impressive. You're going to be drunk for four days from that. Okay. So real quick, because this is, it's been 16 minutes with you. Somehow you turned out to be interesting. So date two, you're salsa dancing. You don't remember even drinking. How does it end? No. So I told her, I was like, hey, weird happenstance, my friend. He can't go to this. Happenstance? What the fuck? Dude. I'm drunk, dude. You make pussies dry and dicks go soft.

This is incredible. You are the isolator over here. Just fucking, hey, now that things are heating up, happenstance has, like, you don't, you should never say that word. You sound like a guy from Reno that's best friend is his mother. Hey, happenstance, you'll never believe. I just got these wonky festival tickets. All right, go ahead. What the fuck are we talking about here? Yeah, that's what happened. I was just like, hey, like, my friend can't go. Do you want to go? Hold on. Say the happenstance part with it one more time. So the happenstance, my friend can't go. Can you go? What did she say? She was like, um, yeah, sure. And I was like, holy shit, okay. Shit is right. Yeah, she's fucking crazy. And then

what happened? And then we went, uh, was barely really knowing each other. We sat in a tent with each other for five days. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, dude. Fuck is wrong with you. You just sat in a tent like no, no, no. We did the festival. We slept together in the tent for five days. You guys cuddle. Yeah, dude. Whoa. Look how excited he got nervous. Look how excited he got. When's when's the last time you had sex with a girl? Um, it was in February. I was in Miami, February in Miami. Wow. What happened there? I uh, so I went on a trip. I was thinking about moving. Yeah, we know you went to Miami. We know you didn't just wake up in Miami. So you went on a trip to Miami, then what? Let's fast forward a little

bit. So I met a chick that I met here in Miami. She said, I'll fly you out. We'll hang out. We'll be cool. Okay. And uh, she turned out to be a fucking, she was crazy. Whoa. No shit Sherlock. Wow. I thought she had it all together. Those chicks that fly you to Miami normally, those are the ones making woman furniture. You know what I'm talking about? I can't believe it. She's crazy. Whoa. Did the chick, did the chick like look like your mom? She did not. Okay. But I appreciate it. You're like, Oh, I love the chick. She looked exactly like her. Oh my God. Okay. So you're in Miami. You're realizing that the chick that flew your ass there is crazy. And then what happens? And uh, so she took, she picked me up from Fort Lauderdale Airport and she was hammered when she

got there. Of course. I think we all know this girl by the way. Yeah. Yeah. And Paulie's been banging her for 30 years. Oh man. It's not cool, right? Probably he's not been cool to us. That's not cool. We should change the name of the show to Cuttle Tony, bro. Cause he's baby. I leaned into the cry there. Do you see that? Okay. So you're in Fort Lauderdale with a crazy girl. Then what happens? This is crazy. It's the longest interview in the show's history, but listening to you fuck this up and below it for yourself is incredible. Yeah. So we drove all the way back to Miami Beach. But you had sex with her. Let's get to the end of this. Yeah. So she's like super hammered. She's taken a shit in with the door open. And when we, how do you know it's

a shit? Because the door, it was a very small hotel room. The door was wide open. I could see her from the corner. But even if you see a girl on a toilet, that doesn't mean you know she's, can you hear it? Can you smell it? Dude, we're within like five feet maybe. Oh my God. Yes. This is the cheapest Miami Beach hotel you can get. Okay. Yeah. So she's taking a shit. Then what happens? And then we go out to the water. It's like two in the morning and she's like, hey, let's go skinny dipping. And I was like, I don't know. I'm kind of tired. Let's just go back because I'm a pussy. You should have let her wash her ass, dude. Yeah. Red band. That's just but taste. Disgusting. I'm a pussy. I'm a little afraid of water. She wants to go skinny dipping.

And you go, well, I'm pretty tired. I mean, that is incredible. We were not meant for each other, obviously. So and then what happens? And then we, I was like, nah, fuck this. And then she starts taking my clothes off, pushes me into the water. And I'm like pissed because I'm like, dude, I don't want to go on the water like raping you. Yeah, dude. She's literally like, I did not fucking fly you out here to just take a shit in front of you. And then you fall asleep. Yeah. That's what's taking long order. Hell yeah, gentlemen. The band is with it. The band is in the game tonight. So she's taking your clothes off, you pushing you into the pool. This is what it takes to get you laid, by the way. The chick literally has to take the fuck over. It's shocking. I know, man. It's

very easy to be taken advantage of, you could tell. Yeah. Like he's like, I gave him that shot. He just drank it. If I would have given urine, he would have fucking drank it. Like this guy won't do fucking anything. We tell him to. It's ice cream roller, guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you're in the pool, then what? It's the ocean. Oh my gosh. The pool is the ocean. There's dolphins getting their licks in before you do on this, girl. Literally going for it. We go back to the hotel and she just starts giving me drinks and I'm like, all right, fuck it. I'm already here. Like, this is what I came for, I'm sure. Yeah. So I was like, fuck it. Let's do it. And then what happened? And then we had really bad sex. Tell us why was it bad? What was so bad? You have to describe to us.

She was very short. So she was short. She was like four foot 11. So what are you guys trying to fuck standing up? You think that's the only way to do it? So we started in the shower. That was the issue. And I'm not a strong guy. She wasn't very small for 411, surprisingly. So I had to like... She wasn't very what? She wasn't very small for 411. So I was... She was like 411, 125. That's kind of big for me, dude. I'm not gonna lie. Oh my God. So I was like, holy shit. You know, I was like trying to... Did you think at all about... Did you think... So you guys are facing each other, right? No. No, you ever bent over? Dude, she was that short. She was that short that bent over. You couldn't have sex with her. Yes, my dick. Your dick comes out of your belly button. Yes.

You just showed me. I got fucking tall hips, dude. I had tall hips. I just swallowed my own tongue. At one point, he goes, my dick comes out of here and put the microphone up to his stomach. I don't know what happened there. What do you mean your dick comes out of there? Holly just got me drunk. This is the longest interview in the history of the show. I can't get away from this guy. I feel like I could go on and on. All I want to... All right. All right. You are. He's the new friend of the show. Cool, man. He's our friend. He'll be our lackey. He'll go get us shit. Dalen, I was gonna give you a small joke book, but you won me over in the interview portion of the show. Get the fuck out of here. Dalen Mendoza.

Yeah, let's do it. Let's go back to a return to normalcy. Let's get another Kill Tony regular up here. Make some noise for him. Made a regular here in Austin, Texas from Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, Hans Kim, everybody. Here he is. The newest regular on Kill Tony. Yeah. Hey, what's up guys? Good to be here. My family is pretty happy right now because my sister just got back from a mission trip. If you don't know what a mission trip is, that's when Americans go to third-old countries to get new profile pictures. She had a good photo shoot. I realized that if you've written a play, that's very impressive. And if you've performed in a play, that's very impressive. But if you've written and performed a play, that's not impressive at all.

That's just a crazy person doing whatever the fuck they want to do. There's no white man in a suit telling you no. Anyways, here's some jokes I've written and performed. I was talking to my white friend. He was like, dude, the only reason black people are bigger and stronger than white people is because we bred them as slaves to be that way. I was like, oh, why didn't you do that to yourselves? Instead of giving a superpower to people who hate you. All right, thank you. Hans Kim, everybody, with a brand new minute. He's got to do this job every week. Not easy at all, debuting a new minute in front of the internet every week. How you been doing, Hans? I've been good. I've been hitting 20 mics today this week. Oh, wow. He's like the Dean Delray of

Asians, bro. Yeah. He reminds me of the Earl Skakel of Asians, actually. He has like the very Earl Skakel. Let's name more people nobody knows. So to really bring this crowd into a roughest year. We're just trying to connect with our friends back at home. Yeah, of course. No, our LA comic friends. Everybody knows Dean Delray and Earl Skakel, of course. Hans, let's talk about it. How's this week been going for you? You having fun in Austin? I've been having a blast. I went to a pool party with all the cool comics and we changed together. It's pretty crazy. Well, Hans isn't afraid to change with the boys. We found out with about your three and a half, right? Is that what you said? Three and a half inches? Three and a half. Four and a half. Five and a half. Oh, okay.

American average. Asian massive. Yeah. In Asia, that's called a black cock. Five and a half inches. Holy shit. And what's it? Hans, we never really asked you about your love life. What kind of girls are you into? You into Asian girls? I find that a lot of Asian guys are into Asian girls. They're set to default quite often and they just go with what they know. I mean, who isn't into Asian girls? They're like the best. They're soft. They're small and they do what you tell them to do. Where do we found out a lot about Hans, Kim? He's dating a girl right now that's a comedian. Is that true? Yeah. I'm trying to pursue a comedian right now. How's it working out? Is it going good? Very terribly. I took her to a strip club. Oh, that's right. We did talk

about this last week. That is incredible. Have you made any moves with her since then? I mean, we're cool now. I think we're cool now, so I'm not going to take her to any more strip clubs. Have you landed a kiss on or anything like that? Are you like Daelyn Mendoza and just eating rolled ice cream and fucking it up? I'm like Daelyn. When's the last, have you ever been with a white girl before? Yes. I mean, I used to date a white girl for six months. White girls are plentiful around America. But thank you, Hans. I had no idea. I just got here super recently. I'm very excited to find that out that white girls are plentiful here. Happenstance would have it, but that's very interesting. I love it. Guys, this is your

first time seeing Hans Kim, right? These are both, these are, Pauly is, same thing. There's an Asian with you on stage. I'm scared. No, it's a good thing. It's a good thing. This is one of the good ones, Pauly. You got to be nice to these fuckers, dude. Seriously. This is one of the good, this is one of the good ones. You know that's a rowdy, rowdy race, but this is one of the good ones. Whoa, wait a second. I'm changing my mind about him here. Hold on. I love it. Hans famously sang the national anthem to kick off the first kill Tony back from my cancellation two weeks after my cancellation. Super canceled. All my buddies are like, it'll blow over, dude. Just take a few months off. It'll all be good. I'm like, how about two weeks?

I'm going to have Hans Kim sing the national anthem. Trust me, it'll be fine. They're like, what? And then I hung up the phone. Was it like the national anthem of like North Korea? No, I had him sing the American national anthem. He had to read from pieces of paper, but we got through it. It took a while, but we got through it. So Hans, what do you think it's going to take for you to bang this American white girl comedian that you're into? Probably testosterone. You think if we brought her on stage right now that she'd give you a big kiss? Have you kissed her yet? Have you kissed her? Hans, look at me. Have you kissed her yet? No. You haven't kissed her on the lips? I don't think she's here. Really? How about another white girl? You want to kiss

another white girl? Is there a white girl out there that wants to kiss Hans Kim? Anybody? We have a great fan base here. I see a lot of beautiful women out there. Someone want to come down here and come on. Come downstairs, you dirty whore. We're about to have some fun. Is someone coming down? Is someone coming down? Oh, D-Madness is going to do it, everybody. This is crazy. D-Madness doesn't give a fuck. Oh, here comes one right here. Look at this. Hit it. Oh, shit. Come on, hit the fucker. Holy shit. All right, stop. What the fuck? My Instagram is MilaBaby underscore XO. I'm a dancer in Miami. Hold on, hold on. Wait, we can't hear you. Are you from Miami? Did you take a shit in front of the last guy? No, I didn't. I'm half Orlando. Where did you come from? Were

you born on Rainey Street? What happened here? She looks like she just walked out of bangers like that. No, I'm a whore. Oh my god. My mind is completely blown. For those of you just listening to the podcast, you're fucking up, man. This chick tried to say goodbye and Hans went in for round two and took it right to the dope. Hans Kim, you are a badass motherfucker. Thank you. Please, I have more to offer. Your South Korean parents would be so disappointed if they could see what you were doing here in wild Texas. If you had white parents, they'd be so proud, but your South Korean parents would be very dishonored about you just making out with random white checks with extremely hard nipples, by the way. I mean, Jesus Christ. Looks

like she already has a couple fortune cookies in her bra waiting for you, Hans. Those things were ruckus. I mean, my god, Hans. That was awesome. Hell yeah. I don't know. She seems wild. I think you went from hot and sour to cold sore. It's going to be a big something popping up. You know what's cool? What's the girl that you like? What's her name? The girl that you talked about before? Isabella Charlton. She's going to see that and you're going to get some pussy because of that, dude. That chick that was on stage was hot as fuck, bro. I don't know about that. Is there any chance Isabella is here? Isabella, if you're here, come to the stage. Let's have a talk with Isabella. That's the girl that he likes. Isabella, are you here? Is it really happening? Come to the

stage, Isabella. Come to the stage. Holy shit, Isabella Charlton is here, everybody. Holy shit. Holy shit. What a magical episode of Kill Tony. First of all, Isabella, a great comedian. She was on the show last week. She's been on the show numerous times, famously from England as a funny take on our fucking country. I cannot wait to hear, to find out, to see what she thinks about this Hans Kim situation. Isabella, first of all, remind us all, Isabella, are you currently single? Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. That's a good start. Okay, Isabella. Hand Isabella the microphone, Hans. Isabella, what do you think about all that's happening right now? I can't tell whether you have no idea what the fuck's going on or if you're really disappointed

that Hans kissed a smurf before you came up here. Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him. Right, guys? Kiss him. Isabella, what's your situation? You ever kissed an Asian guy before? Fuck off. Have you ever kissed an Asian guy? Look, you're in America. Yeah, I grew up in Hong Kong. Yeah, cool. Listen, you fucking Brit, you're in America right now. You're going to answer our questions. Yeah, lock the fucking door. You have kissed an Asian guy, right? Yeah. Wait, we talked to you last week. Didn't you say that you dated an Asian guy for a while? I grew up in Hong Kong. I dated an Asian guy. I dated an Eurasian guy. Oh, shit. Okay. So what do you think? Hans is a good looking guy. I'm genuinely disgusted in him as a person and he knows that. Why are you disgusted?

By the way, take it from me. You can't say that any type of Asian person is disgusting anymore. I happen to know this for a fact. My grandmother called me and she told me that I fucked up, so what are you disgusted in, Isabella? Help us to understand what's going on right now. His behavior. I can't even believe I think that girl that was here should come on stage and kiss fucking her, Bro. Oh, yeah, she is, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, kiss Hans again. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What in the world is Hans is going in for four? Hans just keeps struck. What? What are you saying? It's the tequila. Sure, don't make any excuses. Hans has been

drinking fucking sake all night excited about this. Isabella, I mean, look at this, this is a pretty fucking good looking chick coming up here and taking your, taking your dinner right from you. Isabella, what do you think about this? Oh, I'm so upset. Oh, no. Oh, no, don't carry him away. Don't put him in your pocket and run. It appears as though she wants to make out with both of you so badly. I don't know. Isabella's like, fuck no. I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet your red band gives you a spot on Thursday at his. I mean, Isabella, if you want a spot on Thursday, I'm doing a show here on Wednesday. You can open up for Paulie. You can do the death squad show. I have COVID. Oh, she has COVID

everybody. There you go. I love it. What are you two? Hold on. Isabella, come back over to Hans. Just stand on the other side of him. It's okay. You can't, you, you can't catch whatever she has just by standing close to her. Hell yeah. She just gave me the middle finger. I wanted to put a condom on it so that nothing, nothing spreads. Hans is like, don't let him talk to you like that. I'll protect you. They are just making out his suit. By the way, by the way, right now, Hans is like, Isabella, who? Thank God. Oh my God. He went from fucking hog warts to pussy warts over here. Yes. This is kill Tony. All right. Time to fuck. There he goes. Hans Kim, everybody. Isabella, thank you so much. Isabella. Isabella, take one of those just for a souvenir.

And here's 60 seconds uninterrupted from Isabella Charlton. Go ahead. Do it. 60 seconds from Isabella. We're going to know over time here tonight. Hey guys. Yeah. My, my dad's from India. Yeah, I know. I'm as white as the mold on a fecal sample. But yeah, it's super tough when your parents brown and you're white, like especially when you're a kid, like it's such a double standard. Like if your mom's brown and you're white, people might think she's the nanny and it's terrible. But if your dad's brown and you're white, people think you're being kidnapped. People kept coming up and asking me if I was okay. I'd say no. My dad's an immigrant. He moved from India to the UK. And his big thing was he didn't want his kids

to be gay. Yeah. And my brother, my brother hated scary movies, roller coasters, the color blue football. So he thought my brother was gay. And I wanted my dad to love me. So I pretended to love scary movies, roller coasters, the color blue. And my dad was like, fuck, she's gay. Hell yeah. Isabella Charlton. You were on last week, hard to do a set, not expecting it like that out of nowhere. But but you got through it. That's fun. Go through it. Okay. I like that joke. I'd shorten it up a little bit. You know what I mean? Tighten it out. You don't think you need all those descriptors and just fucking plow through it because that is funny. You trying to impress your dad and him thinking you're gay instead of he's gay. Yeah, it's always it's always hard to find how to

get there the fastest. But that's a good solid joke that you have. Thanks. What's your writing process like? Uh, just just like normally I'm walking and I just think about something and I write it down. Alright, what's your fucking problem with Hans Kim, huh? You think you were off the hook for that? I mean, by the way, that girl's already pregnant with his baby. I've never seen anyone get pregnant from a French kiss before, but that was fucking well, I don't want to say because I I don't think what he did was legal. So wait, what was he legal about it? Well, we hung out at a strip club once and he groped the stripper and I thought it was not okay. Well, I mean, you're being a general. So it's not it's no touching unless you agree to it. It's no

touching. No, every strip club in the world is touching. Just so you know, yeah, that's just like the rules. But every they have to say no touching. But you know, I mean, who says, you know, it depends on the type of touch at the yellow. Were you at the yellow rows or the red rows? I can't remember. You were at a different strip club. It was one of those. It was the red rows. One of those. It was red rose, red rose. Kayleigh actually was the girl. Where's Kayleigh? Are you are Kayleigh? Are you close? Kayleigh, are you close? Kayleigh, come up here real quick. Here comes Kayleigh from the red rose, yellow rose. All the roses. Let's talk with her for just a second.

Kayleigh, sit on Kayleigh, sit on Josh's lap and talk to us for a second. Sit on Josh's lap. You do not want to see on this lap right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. It says the second girl that got pregnant during tonight's show. Kayleigh is currently, the baby's going to come out wearing glasses. It's going to be adorable. Kayleigh, grab Josh's mic for a second here. She's, whoa, she's saying that Isabella here, this British girl who's way too proper for the great states of America is saying that there's no touching at the yellow rose, red rose whatsoever. What are your thoughts about this? There's absolutely no touching at any of the clubs. Oh, okay. Well, boy, all right. Sorry,

we were wrong, everyone. Honestly, it's like you pay a little bit more money. You get a little bit more, right? But you have to, you have to agree to it, right? Not always. I mean, I don't know how many fingers have been up my butthole without me saying yes. Wow. Look at that. At one time? At one time? More than 10 at once? I'm kidding. So there you go. Kayleigh, is there anything, what's the, what's the, what will you let guys get away with? Like, what's something that? Okay, look, I've literally like gotten my man voice out, been in the splits on the, on the stage. Yeah. And they touched my butthole. I grabbed his hand. I was like, yo, bro, I'm finna split your fucking throat. And he still said sorry. It was so like gentlemanly,

like, after he like, he licked the finger that he put in your butt. Licked the finger. That makes sense. Lucky. That makes sense. It's like the bottom of the bottom of the powdered sugar donuts. You know what I mean? If you put your hand in that bag, you got to lick the finger. All right. Isabella, so much fun. Thank you for the new minute. Kayleigh, feel free to feel, oh, there you go. Okay. There goes Kayleigh from the yellow rose, red rose. What do you guys think? One more bucket pool? It's been a two hour long show. Do you guys really want to do one more? All right, one more. We'll make it quick. And then we'll close this thing out. Your final bucket pool. The night goes by the name of Jackson Fagundez,

everybody. Jackson, here we go. Are you guys still having fun out there? Is this too long of a show? How are we doing? Here he is. One more time for Jackson, everybody. Look, I worked the door here and I got to say, some of y'all are fucking kinds, dude. If you're general admission, it's like begging a hand. If you're general admission and you, what's so funny, dude? Why you wait? Let me get through the joke. Look, I love how Joe Biden gets a rise in gas prices but can't get a hard on. It's like, dude, if you had a couple Bluetooth, we could probably fix this gas price problem. Thank you, my Democrats. Yeah, man. So I've been doing comedy for like four months. I got to say, my parents,

they got divorced twice over quarantine, which was hell. And, you know, it was kind of a battle. And they got back together. Thank God. But they got into that love phase. Like when you hit 50 years old and now you're having sex again. And then all of a sudden it was like, thank you. Okay. There you go, Jackson. Bombing as hard as one can possibly bomb here. Came up with an entire... Oh, fuck me. Jackson. Jackson. Jackson came up here with an entire notebook full of shit. Didn't look at any of it. Just started eating it as fast as he could. Eating it like a hot dog competition on the 4th of July. Absolutely wild. You're tangled up in the mic stand. You were pumping the mic stand like an oil worker. Do you carry a manifesto with you at all times? It depends. I kind of

carry like this Merce. And like when I'm working just in case, if I get called up here, I'll carry it. You're a real white trash. Where are you from? Oh my God, man. I'm from South Georgia. Okay. That's white trash. Yeah. All right. What do you do for work? I just got hired today as a tech sales agent. Okay. What does that mean? What are you going to do? So I like sell third party vendors. So basically I'm a tech... I work for other companies. They come to us if they need like a sales team to generate leads. And we sell... Jesus Christ, Jackson, you're boring as fuck. What's the most interesting thing about you? How can you turn this interview around quickly? You know, I'm a white dude who wears... Let me ask it again so that you understand.

The most interesting thing about you, you have your entire life to reference right now. I got a midget cousin. That's pretty cool. I mean, the manager, the red rose, yellow rose is a midget. No shit. Yeah. He was on the show last week featured heavily. I mean, so basically I have a midget cousin too. That makes sense. Yeah. What else about you? What are you good at anything? You know, I'm pretty good at like walking. All right. There he goes. Jackson Fagundas, everybody. That's the end of Jackson. That's his set. You guys ready to end this show with a bang? All right. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the longest standing regular in the history of Kiltoni. This is the big red machine, William Montgomery,

everybody. Oh, shit. Come on, people. One more time for your final comedian of the night, William Montgomery. Many people don't know this about me, but I have a huge following down in Tomalipas, Mexico. Unfortunately, they don't always understand everything I'm saying. So I brought my translator. Give it up for my translator, y'all. Interpreter, dad. He ain't nothing trans about me. We didn't agree. You could say that. What are you? What's the deal with Senator Ishmael Garcia Cabeza de Vaca? That dude knows how to eat some tacos. It's like, come on, Ishmael. Where are you from? Tomalipas or Brownsville?

I like Velcro condoms because they're easier to put on and they're thicker. I like Velcro condoms because they're easier to put on and they're thicker. I don't know if y'all have been to the Regional Museum of History of Tomalipas in Victoria recently, but who's running those exhibits now? Peewee Herman? Thank you. That was perfect. Thank you. Wow. Wow. Oh my God. That was the coolest episode of Narcos I've ever seen in my entire life. Oh my God. I didn't realize your material translated so well to Espanol.

Neither did I. Yeah, we were actually in Tomalipas last night. William, I love this look. You look like if there was a crossover episode between Dallas and Duck Dynasty or something like that. Who shot PB and J over here? I'm going to start buying these shirts on eBay. This one's also a little too small. No, it's good. You wear it absolutely. Crowd, doesn't he wear that shirt? Well, come on. Come on. You want to make out with a girl with extra hard nipples?

No, I saw that. No, I'm kidding. William, I'm kidding. I'm joking. That's not what this show is, people. Yeah, that would've been badly. I'm just joking. William, how's it going? You look fucking fantastic. You got a new... It's been a few months now. You lived in Texas. You got a new hat? I do. Yeah, I went to LA Fitness for the first time I've worked out in five years today. It's killing me moving my arms. That's a real segue. I asked about the hat. You talked about going to the gym today. My arms were killing me. I was on the Stairmaster for 15 minutes.

Wow. Yeah, your arms must be exhausted from the Stairmaster. Absolutely crazy. I was working on that joke when I was on the Stairmaster. Yeah. I love it. I love it. How long were you on the Stairmaster? 15 minutes. And then what'd you do? Something with a curved 20-pound weight. I was sort of just lifting it around. And some fucking old piece of shit came up to me. It was like, yeah, I think there's like a 40-pound one over there. And I was like, okay. I don't know why he said that to me. You think he was telling you to lift more weights?

Correct. That's totally what he was doing. What a piece of shit, dude. Total piece of shit. Wow. He came up to you at the gym and said that? He did. Yeah, he was on the little bench thing next to me. And this was your first time at the gym in five years, you said, huh? Or more, at least. Did you do a single set up? It really doesn't look like that. I tried. I can't. Yeah, this is bad right now. Yeah, it looks like you did squats with your belly. You're going to get those Duke brothers. What the fuck did you just say?

I don't even get that. Yeah. I don't even understand that. Literally. I don't think anybody knows. What did you say exactly? Nothing. All right. There you go. That's good podcasting right there. Now, everyone knows what I'm talking about. What? The Duke brothers. The Duke brothers? Boss Hog. He's Boss Hog. And let's explain it for the young kids. Yeah, I know. That's before my time. There's a 10-year age gap between me and Red Band, believe it or not. And that's part of it.

But I got the Dallas reference, right? That was close enough. Okay. So you're dressed like that. You think this is going to be a new... You have a lot of mosquito bites. You're very itchy right now, are you? Oh, my arms are really killing me. I'm not kidding. They're killing me. Really? I took a nap earlier and I couldn't move my arms and it scared me for a second. Then I remembered I worked out. Yeah. You were just bad. It really... I was legitimately afraid. Yeah, I thought I was dying.

Oh, my goodness. Well, you look fucking fantastic, dude. I love this. I don't know what A&E show you remind me of, but it's definitely a few of them. I love it. What else, William? Anything else crazy in life? I wrote my old friend Alex Rayner's getting married in Vale, Colorado this weekend, so I'm flying to Denver Thursday, so we'll see how they go. How long you been on the show, William? What's it been? Two and a half years or longer? Paulie, William has been writing a brand new minute in front of the entire Internet

for over two and a half years every single week. What do you think about that? You know, you've been... Paulie was raised at the comedy store. You understand this? His babysitters were fucking Sam Kinnison and fucking insane people. Richard Pryor, David Letterman, Robin Williams. Yeah, they all took care of a little baby boy named Paulie that was running around the comedy. And they molested me, but we can't go into the... Wow, you can't even go there. Paulie's me too. Paulie's me too is all the statues of limitations are up on him, so... No, I love this dude. I saw him at the store many years ago. He's fucking funny, dude.

Very funny and congratulations on writing all the time. It's great. And you got to do what Dave is doing, which is headline Pittsburgh too. You should do that. You should do that shit. I have to figure out how to do that. I don't know how. Yeah, you're good. He's saying, well fuck, I'm gonna play in a club now. Shit. That's what he's got to say too. Yeah, I think it's just a very short matter of time before William's doing the same thing. Yeah, absolutely. Very funny.

We'll see. William, how long have you been sober now? 60 days, baby. 60 days, ladies and gentlemen. You're witnessing greatness. Went to the gym today for the first time in five years, everybody. This is a man who's been doing the job, getting better and absolutely killing. Now has spots opening before me, before opening for Joe Rogan, everyone. And so this is a guy...

That's good fun. I have to memorize my jokes. I creeped him out. Moving upward and onward, doing the right thing, writing continuously. How about one more time for your final comedian of the night, the great William Montgomery, everybody. Guys, we did it. That's an episode of Kill Tony. How about a big hand for the great Pauli Shore? Come on. So fun to get to work with you again, sir. Guys, make some noise for the great Josh Martin.

How about a big hand for the screwball Kill Tony band, everybody? Charles, the great Matt Mueling on guitar and D Madness on bass guitar. Remember, you can see Pauli Shore tomorrow in San Antonio, the next day in Austin, here at Vulcan Gas Company. Finish it up. If there's any seats available for that, you guys should be here on Wednesday. Josh Martin, also one of the absolute funniest fucking comedians out there. You gotta check out Josh Martin's comedy. Absolute cold-blooded assassin. This guy was built in the late nights at the comedy store,

a real comedy store comedian. So see him and Pauli on here, Austin, Wednesday, Houston, Thursday, Dallas, Friday and Fort Worth Saturday. Check out his movie guest house. Listen to his podcast, Random Rants and find Pauli Shore in the crusties. Listen to his band. The great Ryan J. E. Bell drew tonight's unbelievable fucking picture from LA. You guys, check that out real quick. Zoom in on yourselves on that. All those prints are available. RyanJ. E. Bell.com, including the new Kill Tony bingo cards are for sale. And let's check out what Chris Rogers drew during the show. A live local artist named

Chris Rogers. You can find him at Chris Rogers Art. Drew this. What the fuck is that? Oh, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. All right. I saw the closed eyes. I thought it was D-Madness for a second. I don't know what's going on. Did you guys have fun tonight? Red Band. Thanks a lot, guys. Love you. We love you, Austin Texas. Stick around. We're going to have fun after this. Oh, whoa. Wait, do it again? Yeah. Oh, hey. I'm Kaylee from Red Rose. Check out Kill Tony. You You