KILL TONY - #517 - GREG FITZSIMMONS

Episode Date: August 6, 2021

Greg Fitzsimmons, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Michael Lehrer, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/26/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM ��� TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY 

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shop squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at shop squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Austin, it's Monday night. You got to make more fucking noise than that. Let's do this shit. Oh shit, Brian Redbanz here and we are at Vulcan Gas Company.

Are you guys ready to do this shit tonight, huh? Guys, how about a hand for the band up here playing their fucking hearts out tonight? A little bit short-handed this evening. Band-wise, I'm excited to be here. It's a fucking beautiful vibe. Everything feels good. Redband? Can we kill the red lights, guys? Red lights and a little bit brighter up on stage. Thanks. Yeah, lose a touch of that purple. I don't know. There's a little purple haze going on here. It's dark up here too. Jimmy Hendrix vibes. How you guys feel tonight? Are you excited to be here, huh?

The Delta variant is storming through Austin. I see a couple masks out there that I haven't seen in a while, but I want to thank you guys for coming out tonight. Nobody fucking knows how to throw a super spreader better than us here on a Monday. You guys are willing. Luckily, laughter is the best medicine, so it's important to remind yourselves. Hello, Asian guy in the front. Just want to say a special hello to you. How you doing tonight? It all gets old, folks. Twenty more years of me doing Asian jokes like that. Very fun stuff. Super excited to be here. The band is amazing indeed. That is the great Matt Mueling on guitar and Michael Gonzalez on drums. We're going to have a fun night tonight. They are the screwball peanut butter whiskey band of Kill Tony. We love screwball. Delicious whiskey.

If you like peanut butter and you like whiskey, why not mix that shit together? You know what I'm saying? That's how I like to do it. It's delicious, man. Put it in with a white Russian. Put a little shot in there. Or a little cranberry juice. Make yourself a little peanut butter and jelly fucking drink. That sounds good, actually. Look at all your eyes just lit up there. You just busted a button on that shirt. Get excited. Peanut butter. I can drink a peanut butter and jelly. We have amazing joke books handmade by the great Adrian Cavazos. We're going to be giving those out to people as the show goes on. Very, very exciting stuff. And of course, as always, this show is brought to you by local unbelievable venues, the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. Austin's finest strip clubs. Really, the world's finest strip clubs,

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The point is people, there's no doubt about what you should do and that is get 10% off today with free worldwide shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash kill Tony. That's ridge.com slash kill Tony and use the code kill Tony at checkout. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, every single week here in Austin, there has not been a single downgrade of our guests whatsoever. For those of you guys that have been here or followed the show, you know that every single week we continue, just like our home in Los Angeles, to have the very best comedians in the world. And this week is without a doubt, no different.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest comedians of our time, one of my best friends ever. You know, I'm from Stern from all his amazing podcasts. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greats, Greg Fitzsimmons is here tonight. Wow. We did it again. Holy shit. One of the greatest guests in the show's history, Greg Fitzsimmons. You know him, you love him, a real live audience.

Greg, we're here. This is amazing. Tony, Brian, congratulations on your move down south. You got out of LA where it's filled with homeless people smoking drugs and harassing you on the street. I was a block from here and I saw a cop almost tased three people. The only reason he didn't pull the trigger is because they were going, you're not going to get all three of us. And he went, you guys are right. I'm going to back off right now. Saw that on the way over here.

It's real shit, dude. Yeah. This is real. It's really gritty here in Texas. You know what I mean? Homeless is addict. Nobody warned me, by the way. There's fucking crime.

There's bats. Yeah. I just signed a one-year lease to live in Gotham City. Nobody warned me whatsoever. Yeah, you should have seen the shadow. It's wild. Yeah. Greg, of course, famously of Fit Dog Radio, his amazing podcast,

and of course Sunday Papers with my good friend Mike Gibbons. Mike Gibbons. You two hilarious motherfuckers going back and forth. Tickets are available for some upcoming shows. He's going to Grand Rapids, Michigan, Golden Colorado. Get tickets at fitstogradio, or fitstog.com. Sorry, fitstog.

Yep. F-I-T-Z-D-O-G dot com. Grapefruit. That's right. Grapefruit Simmons. The Grapefruit Simmons. Some people don't know that. I'll tell you the story in case you don't know it.

I was working in Boston and a woman called up the Faneuil Hall Comedy Connection. We're going to assume she was an overweight black woman for the sake of the story. And she says, who's on the show tonight? And they said, well, it's Jackie Flynn, Anthony Clark, and Grapefruit Simmons. And she goes, is Grapefruit Simmons the headliner?

And to this day, I'm called Grapefruit Simmons when I go to Boston. I love that story. Indeed. Greg, you've been on the show before. You know how it works. Comedians sign up. Over 100 comedians signed up tonight for the opportunity to get their name pulled out of this here bucket.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted to perform stand-up comedy. You know their 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then. Or she's going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It sounds like that. It's obnoxious. Sounds like that.

You guys ready to start the show? Well, what better way to start it than with a very special treat? We're going to start this show without a bucket pool. We're going to start with a regular, everybody. This young man performs a brand new minute every single week. Originally from Queens, New York, moved to Chicago, Illinois, where he took over the entire improv scene. Two decades at Second City.

All the highest-ranking improv people of all time. Got diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease and decided to chase his lifelong dream of being a stand-up comedian. Turns out he's one of the best in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, just kicking off tonight's show, the great Michael Lair, everybody. Oh, shit. That's right. I forgot. I fucked up.

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. It's not Michael Lair. It's Andrew Dice Clay's accident-prone brother. Andrew Dice Clay! Come on. Make some noise for Andrew Dice Clay, everybody. Dice, dice, dice, dice, dice, dice. My new-sized girlfriend's like,

injured. Why would we make love? Does there have to be so many pullies and lovers? I was like, wait, you think I'm sitting cause I'm lazy? The only star I can funk in is Mary Annette. My mom was like, why don't you find a nice disabled to settle down with? I'm like,

mom, if I date a disabled, every time we go to fuck, when everyone want to complete intercourse, we'll have to call in shield team six. All right, this one I want is a woman with a type of tongue who can help me put on my jacket. Hey, you all want to hear some nursery rhymes? Little boy blew away on my cocaine

so I flushed the goldfish drum the fucking drain. All right, they get better, I want better, they get better. Three blind mice. The mice had participated in clinical trials for the J&J vaccine. Blindness was a side effect. Don't believe the high people, suddenly greenest people are over again. I fuck you.

All right, one more. Typey nimble, typey quick, 44 years later, type became tacky. Now, Texas tick. Damn. Injured dice clay, everybody. It's always a special treat and we get to see you, sir, the rare and elusive brother of Andrew dice clay

that you are injured. I'm sick and cousin twice removed. Oh, oh, oh. The famous catchphrase of injured dice clay is an owl instead. Oh, oh, oh. I'm on the winning list for six demon organs. Oh my goodness. Why not just get a piano or a keyboard or something like that?

Right. Why are you on the waiting list for six organs? Because you're all feeling you fucking maybe. Oh, that's right. I forgot your injured dice clay. For a second, I thought I was talking to Andrew up here. You look fantastic injured. I love this construction zone setup that you have from the neck up.

Thank you. When I was sleeping, artificial intelligence took control of my cryophonic to adjustable bed. Okay. When I listen back to this podcast, I'm going to rewind it a few times, then I'm going to go, I think I know what he said there. Artificial intelligence messed up your adjustable bed.

I'm moving on. Moving on. Hey, Tony. Yeah. What's the plural for dice? Dices? What is the plural for dice? Die, right?

Way ahead of you. Die. Oh, I like that. Good. Oh, I got it. It took me a while there. Jesus Christ. I got to stop smoking blunts for breakfast. It's a little bit show on that.

Slow on that one. By the way, I don't like your chances in this game of laser tag you got planned for later on. I'm the home base. I'm the home base. I love this. You have the headband, rock and roll and injured. Oh, wait.

I'm not. Greg, get up, please. And whatever's in my hood, will you throw it in the audience? Throw it in the what? It's a dead rat. Whoa, it's dice. Oh, my goodness.

Wow. Look at that. Hell yeah. Wow. Look at this. A table with a couple that both are wearing glasses caught that with their shoulders together.

That was incredible. It was a great accidental super nerd catch. People can't see shit up there. Look at that. They tried this. Love character. I'm back to being Michael fucking Laird. Oh, shit. Michael Laird.

Once you see that headband go, once the headband comes off, whole different human every but, I didn't even know that was you. Okay. How's this week going for you, Michael? What's happening? Wonderful. I'm on a

super food milkshake day. Oh, okay. I read about that. Red band's been living off milkshakes for years. Watch out for them. The caramel apple chocolate one was pretty good. Yeah.

Yeah, what do you... These are like healthy, like... Yeah. Well, you know I was on that cocaine diet for a while. Yeah. Yeah, so now I'm eating like okra berry.

Okay. All right. Yeah. I get a feeling Ensure is better than cocaine for someone in your position. Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, I mean,

I can't swallow anymore. So I have to take everything in the nose. But thankfully, I've got Hollywood. Yeah. Hell yeah, absolutely. You're fucking hilarious.

And I love that. And there's some special people here tonight, right? Yeah, my Aunt Rose and Eric. Look at them over there. Hell yeah. We love the layers here.

Yeah, no doubt. And of course, my new slice girlfriend who's here every week. And I never, ever get her a chair to sit on. And here, the first week,

we got my new slice girlfriend to see. Oh my goodness. I had no idea that was an issue. Sorry about that. If he would have mentioned it one time, I would have been like, of course, we can get your girlfriend to see.

Hey, you know mother fuck. Hell yeah. I'm not saying she's embarrassed to be your ex-girlfriend, but she's the only one in the room with a mask on right now. I just assumed your girlfriend rolled around like you and brought her own chair to the party.

Well, we do role play. She lay down and I'm on her ass over. You definitely put the role in role play. I love it. Michael, you're the absolute best.

I can't think of a better way to start tonight's show. A brand new two minutes from Michael Lair everybody. Here comes some of the crew. Oh, shit, wait. It's injured dice clay, everyone. Look at that. There he goes.

All right. Let's get into this bucket. You guys ready to see something crazy? Anything can happen here. Maybe it's a local star. Maybe it's someone's first time. This is where shit gets wild. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight

goes by the name of Sid S. Sid S. Sid S. Yeah. That led my friend to America.

Do we have any movement? Hold on a second. Is this Sid S. This is Sid S. Okay, keep coming, Sid. He's the guy in the wheelchair. I got up here faster than him. All right. Here he is.

One more time. Sid S. everybody. So, I realized I needed to lose weight the other day when I was in the shower and I looked down. Sometimes

when I stand for too long I could hear my knees crying. When I was a kid my pediatrician was a woman and her cold hands would make my cock hard. So I tried to imagine

my grandma naked. But that just made me harder. The only thing that I'm working was imagining Freddy Cougar working part-time at Fingering Women at an abortion clinic. We all know a little song called

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. I'm just waiting for the song called Guys Just Wanna Come. All right. Sid S. everybody. It's a minute from Sid. A lot of comedians are into this thing. Sid specializes in

Oz and Ooze. Yeah. This is your first time on the show. How long have you been on stand-up, Sid? This is my first time. It's his first time. Thank God, everybody. That's a good thing. That's a good thing. Trust me.

Last thing you want to do is see a set like that and have somebody tell you they've been doing it for 12 years. God damn it, Sid. How old are you? 29 years old. Family fucking doing something. How long have you wanted to do this for? For a very long time. I've been in a band for

12 years. What kind of band? A lat band? Go ahead. What kind of band? Country band in Tejano. Tejano also. That's the name of it? I just quit. Why'd you quit?

I wanted to be a front man, but I was scared to be on stage. So I decided to do stand-up and remove and stop hiding behind the guitar in front of me. That's what I'm doing. You have no idea how unbelievable it is that I got picked first. This is my vacation from work. I asked for time off to come

and be here to do that. Wow, look at that. What do you do for work? I'm an assistant too. I'm a legal assistant for an attorney. Really? You're the legal assistant? In the court of law or the food court?

You used that joke with David Lucas the other time. People will always make fat jokes like that. You and David Lucas. I just want to say, my brother you said none of my jokes were funny. Were any of them funny, anybody? Maybe one at least.

Maybe one? You're adorable. It was a good first set. I wouldn't fucking end your relationship with your brother over it. So Sid, when did you quit this country band? I just quit about two weeks ago. And you just said, fuck it,

I'm going to quit before doing stand-up. You're so convinced stand-up is the art for you. How long did you play music for? 12 years. But you were never the front man in the band? My dad was the front man. You played in a band with your father?

Yes, and my brother. And your brother? Oh my god, is this a mariachi band? Si, señor. You're a big guy. You could be the front man and the back man at the same time. Ah! Great Fit Simmons is in Texas,

motherfuckers! I love it. Now, who did the wardrobe design? The denim on denim. Was that your idea? Figured it would work for Leno for 47 years. It was me, it was me, it was me. I don't care too much about wardrobe.

Oh! Or writing or performing. No, I'm kidding, Sid. You're adorable. I've always wondered what stand-up comedy would look like from the little boy from the movie Up. You are an orange flag away from floating

out of here right now. So, Sid, can we, can we maybe, if these guys played a little bit of music, can we hear a little bit of vocals from you? Is that possible? You guys want to hear Sid's operatic looking voice?

What do you guys got? What do you guys got? You know anything? Why don't you tell them what you know, Sid, instead of asking? Oh, shit. This guy's pitching original songs to the band behind us.

You guys know my father's favorite song? Uh... Sid, Sid, get out of the fridge. Yeah, Sid's used to being in the spotlight, but that's the light from the refrigerator door being opened. Come on, let's do something.

I brought my cable to play a song. So, let me ask you this. Matt Mueling, which, by the way, in the guitar world, it's almost unheard of for a guitar player to let another man play his guitar. But you're saying that if Matt were to do that, you would play

and sing a quick little song for us? Really? Matt, what do you think about this? Oh, shit. Matt Mueling. I'm telling you. It's the screwball peanut butter whiskey. It softens these guys up and they just fuck and they become giving little souls.

This is what happens. You drink whiskey before... This guy's going to catch COVID from this. I'm telling you right now. Sid Sap. Michael Laird. It's like Michael Laird letting somebody perform in his wheelchair. Holy shit.

That guitar got three sizes smaller. Look at that fucking thing. It was a guitar and now it's a little fiddle. Look at this thing. This is how to control. Wow. Look at that.

Damn, dude. You need to get your job back, dude. There you go. You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it.

You got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. There you go. That's one way of putting it. Now, you have an amazing voice. You have an amazing guitar.

Thank you, sir. You've been doing that your whole life? My whole life, yeah. You sound like a real pro. It's like watching the food fighters. And the food wins in that fight, by the way. You ever get laid

from playing music? No. Oh, you do? Since I was in high school, we have a girlfriend. Oh, my guess since when? Since I was in high school. Yeah, I was going to guess. The next thing I was going to say was

you seem like one of those guys that's dated the same girl your whole life, right? That's how it happened. Have you had sex with anybody else? No. Oh, look at that. They're all the same. Don't worry about it.

I've been playing for 12 years. Maybe like mixing the music in with your Freddie abortion jokes. No, I have not. I mean, Bo Burnham, I don't know if you know him. Jesus Christ, Red Band. Will you stop plugging Bo Burnham on this fucking show?

I've never said it on the show ever. That was enough times for me to stop you. Right there. I'm just saying he's popular right now. I usually don't like musical comedy. But if you have that much musical talent... Yeah. Anyway, so Sid...

Follow up question. Has your girlfriend fucked anybody else? Great question. Great Fitzsimmons. Wow. We are in the People's Court right now. No, she hasn't. She hasn't, okay.

Sid, what's up? You guys must be really good at it. What's something crazy about... The fun fact about Sid that we need to know on this show. You seem to know this show well. What's something weird about you that the people should know about? I've thought about this for months and months because I've watched the show.

And I'm so sorry, Tony. But there's nothing interesting about me, boring about me. Oh, I don't believe that for a fucking second, dude. I'm sorry, man. You do something weird like in the morning time? I'm getting like... You have like a weird morning routine that you do

that, huh? No, no, no, no. You sure? 100%. When you wake up, what's the first thing that you do? I just try to wake up and try to give thanks to the Lord above and hope that it's a good day and usually

that goes well for me. I pray to God that everybody and all the Asians, especially Hans Kim, that he's here. Holy shit. That's Sid. God, I guess you were right. You're setting me up with the music.

I couldn't not keep going. Sorry about that. I love it. I love it. You're the first person that I've seen get bigger on this stage when I've seen you grow a little bit. The nervous breathing is expanding your chest. Sid, welcome. Well, I see why your parents named you

after sudden infant death syndrome. Yeah. Sid, you're welcome to stand-up comedy, my friend. You did it right here on Kill Tony, your very first time. We're going to give you a little joke book so that you remember this. Handmade by Adrian Cavazos.

This guy is a legit leather maker in town. Bonza. Sid's been preparing for this for months. How about one more time for Sid, everybody? Up here, live in his dreams. Greg, how was your first time

on stage? My first time on stage was a high school talent show and I did about a half a gram of blow and I did very well with other people's material. Yeah, I love it.

Pailin Holly P-A-L-L-I-N Holly is next on Kill Tony. Let's see how this goes. You guys having fun out there yet? My man. That's the best goddamn petticap driver in all Austin, Texas

right there. He really is. Alright, Pailin Holly come on, people. What's going on out here? Alright, hold on. I don't know what the fuck's happening, people. Can you guys

get back there in the comedians section? Pailin Holly, no movement. How about Elijah Ross? Elijah Ross. One more time for Elijah Ross, everybody. So I wear my ears cauliflowered like this

because my girlfriend can squat more than me. Gotta have something to keep me okay in the gym. Keep the ego going. Anyway I didn't grow up like super poor, but have y'all ever reused Q-tips?

Like you know how when you burn a marshmallow you can pull the top off of it and then you got a brand new marshmallow? You can use that thing four times. I mean, okay. Here's a list of three racist food.

Fried chicken, watermelon and vinegar. Jesus Christ. 45 seconds from Elijah Ross. We're going to edit that last joke out for sure. Just kidding. Just kidding.

Elijah, welcome to the show. I don't want to say anything mean about you because you will beat the shit out of me. Look at that UFC head you have going on over there. I'm five and a half feet tall, what do you mean? I gotta do something. A lot of those people are.

That's a whole thing. How old are you Elijah? 24. Do you fight? You wrestle? What's your thing? I used to grew up wrestling and fought. I quit about two years ago. Coaching now. Save the rest of my brain that I have. Hell yeah. Little bit left, huh?

Little bit. I love it. So you're coaching like octagon fighting? Basically like all out MMA? Yeah, like I said, grew up wrestling to Jits and Muay Thai but boxing is the easiest way to go I think. A lot of people want to learn how to throw a punch so it's a good way to go.

You love to fight. That's why you wear that fucking shirt. I would imagine. Yeah, it gets a lot of eyeballs and I love making eye contact with tall people. It's bait. Hell yeah. Actually, last night I won a bunch of money

at the punching game thing. Yeah. Find the biggest guy in the bar and bet his money on it. If you just wore ear muffs you would be so much more unsuspecting. Do you know that? With ear muffs, you're basically me.

You're not wrong. If I saw somebody in ear muffs I would ask him how much he's charging. So yeah, that'd be something different than cauliflower ear for sure. So how much money did you make last night on the punching machine? About ten bucks every person.

There are about five big guys in the bar. Yeah, free drinks for me and the lady. Hell yeah, just out there hustling these big, oaky motherfuckers. I love it. It's great. Get them a couple drinks in them and I'll look even smaller. I love it. How many do you want to see this guy

shadowbox a little bit and fuck around? Show us some stuff, Elijah. Wow. Wow. Wow. Hold on a second. If you ever get in a fight with me I just want you to do that slow motion knee thing

to me, by the way. That looked like I could probably accept that part of the of the onslaught. When in slow motion there. That was wild, dude. That wasn't like an interpretive dance of why is the fucking dinner cold

again, honey. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Elijah, you ever get in any trouble with the law? This isn't recorded, is it? No, it's not. Actually, yeah, I didn't. Yeah?

Yeah, one time in particular. Yeah, what was that time in particular? It was a rough night. Halloween has ruined probably for the next six years or so. Oh, really? It was a Halloween night. It was a Halloween. Oh, my goodness, and you're out there. Two cold years ago. Built like a jack-o'-lantern.

Yep. Seems like you would fit in on Halloween. People would be like, oh, UFC fighter, awesome, dude. Fuck yeah. What were you for Halloween on this night of trouble? I just was out in a bunch of Mariners gear. Mayors gear? Mariners.

Seattle Mariners. Oh, Seattle Mariners. Hat, jersey, shirt. I wore my tight pants. Wow. Geez, I don't like that at all. I may... The reason why I'm not a Mariners fan is because I, up until this week, was a massive fan, since being a child,

of the Cleveland Indians, everybody. And now they are the Cleveland Guardians because the world is ending. They had to change their name from the Indians, a team with an unbelievable legacy to the Guardians because...

I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. Guardians. Yeah, the Guardians. Like, basically, it looks like the Indians because it all ends in Ian's. It's a fucking mess. That was actually the first Native American to play in the MLB, and they named it after him, too.

So, it's a joke's on them, fucking them over. I was so mad at the Indians for changing their name that I stopped smoking American Spirit. So, just to let you know, I boycotted. Okay. I don't think we need the devil's laugh for that part.

Elijah, so what crime did you do on that Halloween, on that magical Halloween? You're out there dressed like a mariner. Short and sweet. He's still second. I'm sorry, I had to say it. It's a baseball joke. Sweet of it.

Discharged my firearm. Whoa. Hell yeah. I'd do it again. Oh, shit. God damn. Wow, we're definitely in Texas, hell yeah. Wait, that guy doesn't look like he has a registered weapon.

This guy has tattoos to his wrist. You keep your arm charged. Not discharged. Allegedly. All right, so you were at home and you did that? We were downtown my lady and I and somebody groped my girlfriend and it happened to be a bouncer.

I didn't know this until after the fact. Reached over, grabbed a handful of chest and I was like, different words. Excuse me, sir, why'd you do that? And then one thing led to another. Eight bodyguards on my short ass

middle of the road. Jesus, did you challenge any of them to one of those boxing machine games? I should have. I should have shown him who the fuck is boss, dude. Here's a real firearm, doof. 97, 98, 99. Oh, shit.

Please, for the love of God. We've been over this before. It's Halloween, man. No, we don't need the laughs. Did you discharge it towards him or scare him or... Up in the air, in my mind, I felt like I was getting attacked by a grizzly bear

or something, I'm in a fire warning shot. I never see that in the octagon in a fight, you know what I mean? When a guy's getting dominated, he just reaches into his tights like, doof, doof, doof, doof. Yeah, but yeah, after your head getting bounced off the road,

some weird things happened, I mean... All right, I love it, I love it. What else, Elijah? Have you been on the show before? My father and I had spoken. Oh, shit. I put him in a little choke hole. You choked out your father. Damn right.

I've been wanting to do that for a long time. I love that. Very, very edipal. Was mom there that night? She's dead. Oh, shit. So not the first family member you choked out. What's worse, me making

a reference to him fucking his mother or finding out she's dead? Probably finding out she's dead. How'd she die? You know. I don't remember the Spokane episode. Bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, cancer. Oh, okay.

Thank you. What kind of cancer was it? It was stage three multiple myeloma. Oh. Yeah. Really bad. That's hard to get. Yeah, it is.

It is hard to get. Very rare. But, you know. Okie-dokie. Elijah, so much fun. You're here with your girlfriend tonight? Yes, I am. How long have you two been together? Three and a half years. You have any special moves in the bedroom?

You ever just like go full mount or you ever choke her from behind? No. Straight out of full mount. That's usually the best, fastest way to go. Um, let me see. I wish I could agree with you there,

but I don't know exactly what that means. You didn't do the Eddie Bravo Fister or Twister or whatever. All right. Elijah, so much fun. Congratulations. How long are you in Texas for? Three for a week. We'll leave tomorrow.

Congratulations, Elijah. You made it on Kill Tony. Here's a small joke book for you. Multi-state. Multi-state performer. Take one of those, my friend. Boom. All right. Let's go on to the next one we go.

How many of you guys like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you guys like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. This is an evil audience tonight. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of

Jay Oaks. Here we go. And you know what? Whenever you get a chance, can I have a delicious Crown Royal and Coca-Cola? Crown and Coke? Thank you. Me, also. All right.

Here he comes. One more time for your next comedian, Jay Oaks, everybody. Hello, Austin. So Austin is a kind of a bastion of democracy, I think.

So tonight we're going to do a quick little vote. I'm going to give you two options for jokes. I'm going to give you the options first and whichever gets the loudest applause wins. I'm going to give you the options first and then we'll vote. Option one is a joke about Bitcoin.

Option two is a joke about millennials. So, I hear a one-drunk girl calling out for millennials. But first, let's hear for Bitcoin. Okay, I might sell. Now, millennials.

Yeah. Well, unfortunately, I don't think I have probably enough time, but I can give you the premise. Millennials are a quantum generation. You see, millennials exist in a super position and a...

Jesus fucking Christ, Jay Oaks. It worked. They're laughing. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Did you have a joke? What did you think was going to happen here? You know what this show is?

Yeah. You do? Have you heard it before? Yeah, I actually started watching it a couple weeks ago. So, what made you think that that was going to work? If you have 60 seconds taking a tally for which joke people should do.

To be honest, I hoped that it would go better and people would want to hear the rest of the joke. You only have one minute. You know that. Red Band Relax. When you get mad like this, it's never hilarious. You want to finish the millennial joke? Try it. Try it.

I want to hear it. Because my guess is it's as bad as the democratic setup for the rest of it, but I want to hear. Who knows? This could be the world's greatest fucking joke coming at us right now. Good. I know that I exist in a super position.

And a super position is a quantum state where something is two things at once. You can think of a bit as a one or a zero. A quantum bit is a one and a zero. Okay, stop, Jay. Stop. Jesus fucking Christ.

Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Once before? This is his second time. I would hand for Jay, everybody. Jay, I can already tell. You're too smart to be doing this. What ethnicity are you?

I'll tell you, but first, can you guess? I always love it. I would say that when I was trying to figure out my score for you, it was between a one and a zero all-side. Grapefruit! At the 10 almost, you flip it. Yeah, I'm not going to guess.

We're not going to do any votes or tallies. Just tell me what your ethnicity is. So half of me is like all of western Europe and then the other half is like Mexican. Oh, wow. And you wanted me to guess on that, Jay.

I'm just curious about what people think of when they look at me. Well, if you want to know what people think of you, go listen back to the audience during this set on this show when the podcast comes out. Can I finish with a joke? No. We already stopped you twice.

I just don't want you to do this. The punchline was like right there, but that's okay. Okay, let's do it. Ones and zeros, ones and zeros. The punchline's right there. Do it right now. Just do it. Millennials are fucked. Why? Why would that work? Jay, why is that funny?

Explain to everybody why that's funny. Okay. See, this is especially true for millennial women, I think. Jay, stop with your prefacing of shit and answer the fucking questions. What is funny about that punchline to that joke? Why after ones and zeros

and zeros and ones, why is that funny? Because millennials are simultaneously fucked in the sense that many people think of, which is the sexual way. Are you one of the tech guys that Elon Musk flew out here to fucking, you know, like, well, actually, I think I can do more than

just make rockets. Are you even as smart as you sort of sound? You're using good words. You seem to have a grasp of the English vocabulary. Are you an engineer or something? No, sir. I am not an engineer. What do you do? Well, right now I'm trying to maximize

my yield on my crypto. Oh my god, I hate you. I hate you. I want to kill you, but I want it to be slow. So I can't really do it here or anything like that. I want to like torture you

over like weeks. Just because of this and only this. There's nothing else. I don't have anything against Mexicans or Western Europeans. You know what I mean? It's just specifically because of what you're doing to this show on this night. I want to torture you over weeks, not even

days, weeks. I want to keep you fed and give you some water at times and sort of maybe even give you an IV drip to like repair you back to normal and then hurt you again. Liquid IV. Just bring you back. Yeah, not even a drip. I could use delicious liquid IV.

Yeah. I could just give you that and then you'd be rehydrated. You know liquid IV, one of the best hydration drinks in the world. Go to liquidIV.com, use the promo code Kill Tony. You'll find out all about it. It's the same water you used to brush your teeth. Give us a redeeming quality about you.

A redeeming quality. What is going to make us like you? See, I don't have many friends, so I'm not entirely sure. Why don't you have friends? What's that? Why don't you have friends? I've never really known.

God. Jay. He's a robot. What the fuck, dude? Where's the other place you did comedy? Where was that? Funny enough, I got pulled out of another bucket. It's not funny enough. It's not funny enough. Nothing's funny enough. Nothing about you is funny enough.

Oh, no. You don't have to say things before answering a question. Well, funny enough? No, not funny enough. So where was the other place you performed comedy? Creek and Cove.

Okay, that's a Creek and Cove. Creek and Cove. Jay, I'm just going to let you go. You seem like you're one of the people that's going to murder us one day. Can you just take one page out of these small books and give it to him so he can have a suicide letter?

There you go. There you go. There you go. Take that. Get the fuck out of here. Jay, get out of here. That's as bad as it gets right there, everybody. Creek and the Cove. You said you wanted it bad. I don't even know what to do with that.

This is a serious show. Sometimes you get to watch people's dreams come true, and sometimes you get to watch someone begin their suicide note. He looked like if Chris Delia got squished.

There you go. Okay, Red Band. There you go. Jesus Christ, dude. Your next comedian goes by the name of Christy Vera, everyone. Christy Vera is next on Kyltoni. Here she comes.

Here she comes. One more time for Christy, everyone. Come on. I'm Ecuadorian. I wish I was white. I think I'm white. I look in the mirror and I get shocked

every time that it's a Hispanic woman. I lost my voice. I'm so fucking nervous. Okay, guys. Sorry. I'm sorry. I can't breathe. If you don't know anything about Ecuador,

it's the home of the world's largest bonfire, the Amazon rainforest. You can ask your friends to do ayahuasca. They don't know where they're at in space-time, but they know how to travel back to Ecuador, navigate themselves to learn again.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay. I'm a 11% Ecuadorian. It's a small amount. Just the crotch area. I have a a wop, ayahuasca pussy.

It's really expensive to go all the way to Ecuador to, you know, take Iowa, do the programs. Just give me head. Come see God. Okay, that's enough. There you go. Christy Vera, everybody, give me a minute.

It's all happening over there. Christy, welcome. You've been on this show before, famously, correct? Yeah, I forced my way under the stage. That's right. There was a battle of women up here one night where one woman really struggled, and then another woman's like,

I can do better, and then another woman was like, I can do better, and you're the one that actually did okay. Yeah, you're the good one. Then you came up tonight, and you had your own laugh track that you added to the orthodox move. I liked it, and it actually built momentum. You did good there. So what were you saying that you did ayahuasca?

I have not done it. I did acid a lot in college and DMT twice. Okay. All right. Shroomed a few times. If you could share some of that with the last comedian that was on, that'd be fantastic. He really... He really needs

to expand his mind. So Christy, remind us, what do you do for work? Comedy, full-time. I gave up everything two years ago to start. And now I do... I deliver food and stuff.

I tried having sugar daddies recently. I can't ever do it. It's so traumatizing. Why can't you do it? Help us to understand. There's a reason that they pay for someone to talk to them. They cannot have a smooth conversation.

God, I was with the guy who developed Coinbase for a while. I just broke up with him a few weeks ago. It's not a smart move. Yeah. He's here. He has over a hundred million

dollars. And he's the most and he's attractive. He's here. He's in the room? No. He's like a few blocks away. And he's the most bored, miserable, nerdy. Christy Jesus. All right.

This guy will be able to pay to shut us down if you keep going. This guy worth the value of the world is the nerdiest nerd-nerd. That's enough, Christy Jesus. Go ruin your own career. My God.

We love Coinbase. I can only dodge it when poor people try to cancel me. Not rich people. It's okay. He listens to me. No, I'm just kidding. Sorry. It's all good. So how much money did he give you?

Every time I talked to him, he would give me 500. Wow. He refused to have sex with me because I didn't like him enough. I would be like, please so that I could leave him because it was so many hours to be with him. Were you having sex with like a normal

human while hooking up with your sugar daddy? No. I'm like pretty asexual. A lot of people are mad about that. Maybe the guy that was paying 500 bucks to pop to hang out with you. And all the females in this room. Jesus. Maybe that's why he was so boring.

He's like, I want this to end. I love it. So Christy, how's stand-up comedy been going for you? It's not easy on these streets being a female? Tell us about it. I stopped doing shows when I came here. I was like, let me just do my for a while and I do so well.

It's like so fun. I was asked on my first show and I bombed more than I've ever bombed my whole life. Wow. And that was a few days ago and I stopped partying after that. You stopped partying? I posted about it. I was like, I'm not going to be out anymore. So like, what were you doing before?

What kind of partying were you doing? Just all the time. You know. So you saw me. I would like, I would end up around you sometimes and then like be like, oh, too much, too much partying I didn't know what you were like anyway.

I would always apologize when I saw you. I didn't know that you were freaking out. Yeah. Can you see now that I'm freaking out? No. I mean, except for when you say it. But if you say it, then we all know. Okay, I'm fine. Y'all can see that I'm freaking out, right?

I love it. Don't do crowd work. Don't do crowd work, Christy. It never goes well. Sorry. So wow, you have any other special talents or skills or anything? What's your story? I started off working at the United Nations in New York City.

Thank you. I was trying to save the world. What the hell were you doing at the United Nations? This is why there's no world peace whatsoever. Yeah, so I was working there for four years. I was like a diplomat.

I went through that line at the airport for that was like my dream when I was a kid to go through that line. And that's why we all do it. Yeah, and that's why it's corrupt. So what happened? What made you quit at the UN? Honestly, it's the most corrupt organization ever.

And I didn't think so. I thought it would be a utopia of people that were urgently trying to make peace. Because I was young. And in fact, it's a lot of really sexually aggressive, greedy, lazy people. Lazy people?

Yeah, they get drunk for three hour lunches. They're taking all our tax money. Wow, I would pay you $500 to stop talking right now. Greg! Oh my god, that's incredible. So how about other than working

at the United Nations? Is there anything else that you've done? Anything else? Are you with me answering? Yes, he's okay with that. You answering, Christy. Wait, this is you sober? Yeah.

Maybe you should get back to the drugs, Christy. Did you ever do rails with butchers, butchers, golly? Wow, that would have been fucking hot. Christy, you do any other types of art or anything like that? No. What does that mean? I guess I do crossword puzzles sometimes

to think of new vocabulary words. Perfect. How many of you want to see her do a crossword puzzle right now? I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. It's not going to happen. I love it. I'd like to see one down.

Come on. Tony's the only guy that laughs at that? That's a great crossword puzzle joke. Christy, so much fun. Congratulations. Did you enjoy yourself tonight? Thank you for having me on. There you go. Christy Vera, everybody.

Very professional. Oh, Christy. Christy, here. There you go. Take a big joke book. There you go. Tell the coin base guy that Tony gave you a big joke book. Christina

Mariani is next. Here we go. Christina Mariani. Here she is. One more time for Christina Mariani. Hi. I've been going out with the guys

that I live with and I realized that figuring out what works on women is easy. What's tricky is the dosage. I've been trying to date. Yeah, I've been dating. I went out with the police officer the other night,

but he didn't take my breath away as advertised. It started off well. It was going well. But then I saw some pictures of this other girl's nudes on his phone. So I left

and I haven't called him again. I won't even give him a chance to explain. I figured what's the point. I'm never going to be as skinny as a 10-year-old. Wow. Christina Mariani coming in here and breaking the show.

Holy shit. We don't even know what to do. We're so not used to someone coming up here and doing stand-up comedy for a minute that we're actually shocked and appalled for your preparation and execution of what you wanted to talk about.

This is unbelievable. I wish there was a joke book the size of this table I could give you as a prize, but you did it. You did jokes. You set them up. You gave a performance. Instead of just talking about how you felt, you just did the fucking jokes, man.

It's crazy. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Whatever you want. Four months. Wow. Very interesting. All of it here in Austin, Texas. Very cool.

Incredible. What made you want to start this? I'm really awkward and bad at public speaking. That's great. You wear it well on stage. It comes across very natural. Wait, hold your hand out for a second. I want to see how much you're shaking.

Yeah, it's pretty incredible. Hold them out. Let me see. Oh my God, like a leaf. It is. You already have the star power of Michael J. Fox. It's incredible. Incredible. Christina, what do you do for work?

I'm actually in between jobs right now. Okay. Yeah, I moved here and I didn't tell my work, so they fired me when they found out. Wow. Where did you work before did you move from? I moved from California.

I worked in Stockton, so it's not the L.A. Oh shit, the 209. Wow, we're friends with the Diaz brothers. You know them, right? No, one of my friends fucked one of them, though.

No, I'm sure she did. I'm positive she did. Of course. We all have a friend that fucked one of the Diaz brothers. No doubt about it. Well, you have to fuck the fucking Diaz brothers. I love it. So, Christina, is that where you were born and raised? In California? Wow.

For those of you that don't know, Stockton is sort of like a... It's out in the middle of nowhere. I guess you could compare it to like a Fredericksburg or something like that. It's like out there. So, wow.

Most people from Stockton, their brain is tremendously underdeveloped. Would you categorize yourself like this, or were you always like the smartest person in your class and everything? I like school, I think. Yeah. I wasn't the smartest, but I liked it.

I love it. You still speak on the seventh grade level, but I love it. I'm sure you were great at it. Is there a reason why you think that you're so shy and you come across, you know, on stage, you have a stage fright? No.

I mean, I was a little bit bigger in high school, so... You play volleyball or anything like that? Oh, no, but everybody asks. Right, yeah. But they probably ask about basketball first, right? Basketball, volleyball, yeah.

Did your parents beat you? Yeah. They did, I can tell, yeah. Well, they're going to stop now. Yeah, now you're going to beat them. So this stage fright, where else has it affected you? You ever do, like, karaoke or anything like that?

Only when I'm drunk, and, um, yeah, I guess only when I'm drunk. Okay, what have you sang before when you're drunk? Um... Just one guy in the corner. I know what he's doing, dude. I'm setting it up, dude.

He's gonna fucking do it, dude. I've seen this before. I've seen this, dude. This is the show, bros. What I told you is what he does, dude. He's fucking moron back here. Oh, dude, I think he's doing something. I think he's setting something up

for all the people that are here's entertainment. Some people smuggle California weed out here to Austin, and that's the shit that happens. That guy didn't even know he was talking, by the way. He had no idea. I'm not going to have you sing karaoke. You're frightened up here.

Uh... What else about you, Christina? What's your love life like? Your friends are out there fucking the Diaz, brothers, and... Um... Not anything. No, I'm not. Have you been on a date since being here in Austin?

No. Have you kissed a boy since being here in Austin? Uh... Yeah, I've kissed... Oh, okay. There you go. That's good. That would have been the first time we would have had that. I bet. Yeah. No shit. You're ever going to raise your fucking hand.

Where are you going to do? Wobble your ass over there? Fucking... Welcome to your worst nightmare, Christina. Have you ever been with a Joey Diaz, brother? Oh, God. I love it. So, Christina, you kissed a boy,

but you're not into dating anyone right now or anything like that? No, I don't know. I'm doing comedy and getting better at it. Right. It's going good. How much time do you have? How long of a set do you think you can do it four months in? I can do ten minutes for sure.

Wow. Look at that. That's very, very interesting. Four months in. A killer minute. You know what? Why don't you open up the secret show Thursday? Oh, Christina Mariani. You're on the secret show on Thursday. You got a big joke book.

You did everything you could do on the show. Boom. Nailed it. C-R-I-I-M-A-R-I-I on Instagram. Christina Mariani, her Kill Tony debut, everyone. There she goes. All right.

We got some momentum right now. You guys want to keep this momentum? Should I bring up one of our regulars? Huh? Well, well, well, you're all in for a special treat. This guy is the newest regular on Kill Tony. He famously became a regular

after the big cancellation, the two-week cancellation of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the bright young talents of the future and an absolute murder. This is another new minute from Hans Kim, everybody.

Here he is. Hey, what's up, guys? If you can't tell by my shirt, I'm a very sexual person. But it's kind of difficult for me to have sex because 99% of my sex career was solo. And...

now I have to have an orgasm while someone's fogging up my glasses. It's like, hey, I know what my name is. You don't have to keep saying it. Where's my office chair? Come. I am single. I have yet to meet my soulmate.

I'm beginning to think maybe it's her fault she needs to get out more. She seems like a loser. I think I could do better. My friends are always like, dude, do you need to learn how to talk to women? Maybe, or maybe women should learn how to listen to Hans.

Why don't you want to hear about the Federal Reserve? We're at a party. Relax. Oh, fuck. Hans Kim, another new minute from Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable performance. As always, you did it again, Hans.

Fuck yeah. Look at him pointing at his favorite people. Oh, that was the Asian guy. You guys have your little connection there. Look at that little peace sign. You guys want to take a selfie together or something? You guys have your selfie sticks on you? Whoa, that's an Asian stereotype. Anyway.

Fuck yeah, Hans. Welcome, welcome. I love that shirt. Actually, those are what my pillowcases are made out of, that exact thing. It's a chin cotton. It's like satin, right? Yeah, I think I have some of your jizz on here. Oh, okay.

That's true. I got rid of those pillowcases after jizzing on them. Greg Fitzsimmons, this is your first time seeing the great Hans Kim. What are your thoughts over here? I don't know what to say. I want to develop a photo in that shirt. I was very impressed.

I think the soulmate premise is really fucking good. I think there's something funny about meeting your soulmate and realizing that you can do better. That's fucking hilarious. That's really funny. You should do more with that. Thank you.

Hans coming off a big, big episode last week where you got to kiss a girl. I asked if there was a girl in the audience and an Austin 10 came on stage. Totally. Not even kiss. You guys went to it. And I heard, I guess I left, but I heard Hans puked

in five different places in Vulcan that night. Well, I only saw one. He famously puked in the trash can. There was a lot, right? We were laughing pretty hard at that, but let's talk about the other four places that did it. Was that true? Were there multiple places? I puked in the sink

in that bathroom. I puked on the sidewalk. Look at you. Hell, yeah. Just marking your territory. Fucking. That's actually how coronavirus got started. Yeah, that's true. Hans is originally from Wuhan.

Not a lot of people know that. Wuhan's very own. Hans Kemp. Incredible. So that was fun. And then you made out with a girl and then you just kept making out with her over and over again. It was very incredible.

We loved it. The crowd went absolutely wild because Hans is such an innocent... He's such a good person and he's such an innocent guy. Have you made out with anybody since then? No. That's a shame. You know what? Is there a woman out in the audience

that wants to come up and... Why don't we have someone... Listen, let me just say something real quick. Is that Kill Tony famously has the greatest fans in the world. I mean, look at us on a Monday. 270 people deep here.

I'm positive. I'm going to ask one more time. It always works. We've never had... No, wait. Can I just interrupt for one second? Sure. The last time he kissed a girl, he threw up five times. Is there a guy that wants to make out for Hans?

Yeah, there's going to be a lot of guys that want to do that. Almost every single man in this room once said, hey, there's another Asian guy. I just noticed you right now. You were there the whole time? Yeah, and you guys are like silent, polite people.

I literally didn't even notice you there. Stealthy. It's incredible. It's incredible. You guys are special, special, good people. Really good people, the Asian people. Um... I'm going to switch it back. There has to be a woman out there

that wants to give Hans Kim a big kiss. Guys, he's one of the funniest people. There's got to be someone. We got someone. Come on down. Come down that staircase. She's coming down. This chick's just waving from a balcony. Is she coming?

Oh, wow. Look at this. Thank you. Yes. Absolutely. Hello. You stay right there. I want to talk with you. Oh, my God. Hans Kim just got

to make out with the bride of Chucky. I love it. This is incredible. I love this. I just want to hold you by the shoulders and blow all those hairs off your head like a dandelion. Very sweet.

Oh, look at this. Incredible. Absolutely. This is wild. I happen to know Hans is a big fan of Eminem, so he got to knock two things off his bucket list tonight. I'm close enough to a man, right? You are adorable. What's your name? My name is Katie. Hi, Katie.

Welcome to the show. How are you? What brought you here tonight? I'm on a date. Oh, really? Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. With Hans Kim now. Oh, shit. Was Hans a good kisser?

Actually, not bad. Yeah, that's what a lot of people are saying. But I took control. That's why. You're what? I took control. That's why. That's right. What does he taste like? Refreshing. That's great. Hans has a fucking

suntan. Look at the contrast. I'm actually a stripper. You're a stripper? Can I get a job? Wait a second. What pet store are you a stripper at exactly? I wear a wig when I strip. What? I wear a wig when I strip. Really? What's your stripper name?

My name is Tara. Tara? Can I plug my OnlyFans? Sure. Why not? Absolutely. Fuck yeah. It's OnlyFans.com Tara's World 21. Alright. There you go. If you wouldn't see me naked.

What's the craziest thing that you do on your OnlyFans? Is there any... I don't want to guess. You just tell us. The most recent post, you do get to see Pussy. Wow. Look at that.

Red Band already subscribed. Absolutely incredible. Now do you have to pay a couple dollars extra for creamy content or anything like that? Free. It's free. Red Band, turn off your microphone. Okay.

So this date that you're on, is this the first date that you're on tonight? No. It's like the third or fourth. So you guys have hooked up and everything? Yeah, of course. So what do you think this guy's going to say about you? I asked before. I'm polite.

You said go ahead. During this pandemic, go make out with a... I love it. You guys are dirty. Of course. Wow. You seem like a wild, wild girl. Right? Yeah. What's the most wild, sexual thing you've ever done?

Ooh. I've had sex in the hallway of a cruise. Whoa. Like the main, like, rooms hallway? Like, you know where it's all lit up and anyone can walk by? Yeah. Oh, shit, dude. How long did that last?

Not long. No. The guy finished quickly? Yeah, he came on himself. Yeah, that makes sense. After 20 seconds, you have to come on yourself. Of course. Everyone knows you have to last at least five minutes to come on the other person.

You gotta earn it, yeah. It's a real, you have to punish yourself. That's how you learn the lesson the hard way. Like, I fucked up. I'm sorry. Hans, what's the longest you've what's the longest you've lasted with a girl sexually? You seem like the kind of guy that finishes

in 40 minutes or less, for sure. Probably about 15 minutes. Wow. 15 minutes. Not long enough. Wow. What would we have to do to get Hans in the bedroom with you in this date that you're with tonight? Oh, I love bisexual men.

The guy I'm with is... He might be up for something. Oh, shit. Really? Why don't we call him down here? Get the date down here. Let's see what's going on. Here he comes. The guy that brought... Here he comes, everybody.

Oh, shit. Here we go. Oh, shit, dude. Oh, shit. Hell, yeah, bro. What's up, my man? Welcome, welcome. You guys are adorable. Wow. Look at this fucking crew.

I feel like I'm looking through a microscope and I'm seeing chlamydia. Protection is necessary. I love this shit. Ah, fuck. What's your name, sir? My name is Jonah. What is it?

Like the whale. Jonah and the whale? You got a bunch of cheese on you. That's awesome. Okay, there you go. Red Man with a little shirt commentary at the points where it matters the most, everybody. There you go.

Red Man, notice, are they in the middle of design, everybody? It's toy from the 80s. There you go. No, truly, no one gives a fuck. I love it. So this is your guys' third, fourth, fifth date, something like that? You guys have been banging it out? Something like that. My God, I bet you guys have the weirdest pubic hairs.

Am I correct? You guys have, like, dye jobs down there? It looks like this. And you sort of swing. You, like, have sex with almost anything, right? Is that true? There's a rumor going around. You want to find out? No, no, I don't want to find out.

We'll be right back after these messages. Here on Kill Tony. We don't have commercial break. I love it. Can we get a tally on piercings? You've got three in your nose. You've got one on your nose. What do you got there?

You're allowed to show us. If you face that way, there you go. There's one. No video recordings, sir. Look at this guy over here. Okay, okay, that's enough. Jesus Christ. My God.

What the fuck are you things going on over here? It's Kill Tony, man. I turned back around. She's giving Greg a lap dance. So, one, two, three, four, five. And how many on you? Just the one? Okay. That's it? You don't have your little ding dong?

You want to find out? Prince Albert. No, I have an IUD. That would not work out well. Speaking of ding dong, let's check back in with Hans Kim over here. Hans, what do you think about this good-looking couple? It's like... I don't know what it's like.

It's like Danger Mouse or something like that, right? What's the band with the crazy Polish chicks? Danger Mouse? It's like a... What's the fucking one... Deant word. Thank you so much. Hell yeah, we'll edit that in where I said Danger Mouse.

It'll get a big laugh. It'll get a big laugh in there. So, Hans, what do you think about this? What do you think you could spend the night with fucking... Damn. Oh, shit. I love it when Hans plays back.

It's so weird. I think they're like a great experimental, adventurous American couple, and if you'd like to teach this young Asian boy your American ways. And then we'll talk about it next week. You'll give us Hans.

You'll give us the full update next week. For sure. All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's it. Hans Kim, everybody! One more time for the whole group. They're gonna fuck tonight. Oh, my God!

They put the 6'9". It's like Takashi 6'9". It's like Takashi 6'9". It meets order number 69. Wow, man. Oh, my God. Wow, I think I'm gonna throw up five times.

Look at Hans. Hans is running for the back door right now. Yeah. No, Hans is smiling ear to ear. He's getting up to drink more screwball peanut butter whiskey so that he could man up and do that shit. That guy's gonna drink peanut butter whiskey

and then he's gonna eat a man's ass tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is Gabriel Kerr. Gabriel Kerr is next on Kill Tony. You guys having fun out there tonight? I don't think

here he is. Oh, shit. This guy, I think three weeks in a row. This lucky motherfucker. One more time for Gabriel Kerr, everyone. What's up, everybody? Yeah. Just spilled beer all over myself

because I'm way too fucking high. But we're gonna see how this goes. So I was in my car last week after the show and I'm smoking a ball and this homeless guy who's walking by just stops

and he leans all the way into my car and scared the shit out of me, right? Because I wasn't expecting it. And he goes, can I hit that? And I was like, no shit, what are you doing? And then he gets all indignant and he's like, why not? Is it because I'm black or because I'm homeless?

I was like, neither, listen. I don't let people I don't know put my mouth on things I put my mouth on, right? Simple rule. And then he had the audacity to ask me if he could suck my boyfriend's dick. And I was like, did you not hear a word that I just

said? That was it. I ran short. Fuck yeah, 58 seconds. I love it. Absolutely, Gabriel. So you've been on three of the last four weeks. Is that correct? I'm on a schedule.

Pretty cool. You're a very, very lucky man. Fuck yeah. Everybody's going to think it's a conspiracy. Yeah, no, I know. Everyone thinks everything's a conspiracy with this show. There's no doubt about it. But the truth is that you get lucky, you fucking get lucky. That's the joy in having pieces of paper

in a bucket. So what's crazy about you being pulled up here is because we do know about you that you keep your sex life happy and healthy with your wife as a child, with, by, you invited another woman into the bedroom. So you have regular three sums

as Hans Kim is going to have tonight. Fuck yeah. Get it, Hans. Hans is going to come back with a lunch pail filled with crabs and other STDs. It's going to be a very interesting thing. I bet he makes a delicious meal out of it.

He's going to treat the crabs that he picks off of his pubes like oatmeal or something and just cook it up real good. Egg and kimchi. Little fucking crab dip. Okie dokie. Now that we've grossed everybody out,

Gabriel, how was your sex life this week with a three sum? This guy fucks two women, believe it or not. Wow. So after I told the world about that situation on your show, the girlfriend had some feelings about it.

So we had to have the glowing talk. Oh no. Which went as well as it always fucking goes because nobody ever asked that because they're like I'm really happy and where's this going? So that ended it? You went from kill Tony

to kill Boney? It's not over but it's weird. Fuck I'm married already. What do you want from me? You also were nervous that your parents were going to watch it. Not my parents, her parents. Wait so who wanted the conversation?

Your wife or the second girl? The girlfriend. No the wife is good. That's what everybody expected right? The girlfriend asked where this is going. Oh no. You told her about the appearance on the show? That's a huge mistake. She saw it.

She saw it because you told her. Hundreds of thousands of people watch this show. I know but was she a fan originally? You told her. Right. I know hundreds of thousands of people watch this show. Now why would you fucking tell her? And again I don't want to piss you off.

You're a big fucking guy. But as a married guy who has dreamed of the three wave for 21 years you got it. You fucking set it up. It was a house of cards and you fucked with one of the cards. You should have shut your mouth and just boned everybody.

Instead you're like hey look how funny I am in front of this audience. I'm so angry at you right now. You know what? Greg's going to fuck you just to show you exactly who's boss right now. A lot of things. That was it.

He actually did it. We edited the sex part out for those of you watching on YouTube. Bigger than I expected. Absolutely. You ain't lying. That's why they call them Fitz Simmons. You know what I mean?

Anyway It's triple grapefruit. That's why they call them grapefruit. It's Fitz and Hems. Gabriel. Anything else crazy happened since the last time we talked to you? Anything we should know about you

or anything? You get on every two weeks. I move it. You already have a big joke book right? You have a small one? No I don't. You did it again. We're going to move on.

We're moving quickly. Only four minutes with Gabriel. Moving on. On to the next one. Here we go. Tyler Brown. Tyler Brown. That sounds like a round rock kind of name. This guy could have come all the way from

Flugerville for this. Tyler Brown. Wow. It's taken a long time for people to get to the stage today. Wow. Nothing. Is any movement happening?

Is there anybody? No. Okie dokie. Let's do this again. Jesus Christ. When Yoni's not here the show goes to shit. Fuzzy Kilby. Fuzzy Keebee.

Fuzzy Keeley. Fuzzy's been on this show before. We know Fuzzy. I feel like someone's YouTube algorithm is the quickest way to figure out about them. You go over to the house, you see the suggested videos. Before I go on a date I have to clean out my YouTube algorithm.

Because nothing's going to drive her pussy faster than competitive tag videos. And virtual red bin. So what I'm doing is I'm manipulating the algorithm before I meet up with a girl. Just in case I bring her home. This girl told me she loved football and murder documentaries.

So I spent two hours looking up OJ Simpson highlights before the date. You guys hear about Shikari Richardson. The girl, track runner. They won't let her run. She smoked a little weed, right? I think I thought of a fair compromise. Let her run. But she has to smoke a joint right before she races.

And in lane seven Light it up. Light it up. You want to go? You want to do it? Do it. People say that smoking weed is a disadvantage. It doesn't make you faster. It hurts your lungs.

And to those people I say, you never see me chase the ice cream truck after a bowl. There you go. Absolutely. Fuzzy, you did it again. Fuzzy, you're a killer. Remind us, what do we know about you? What have we had you do on this stage?

You've been on the show a couple of times here in Austin, Texas. I think I've done a call center thing a few times. That's right. I've had a wet dream on an airplane. Really? Tell us about that. Yeah. Well, you know, nocturnal emission at 30,000 feet. Yeah.

Probably a Guinness world record. Honestly, it's happened twice, dude. I've never even had a wet dream. No, dude, you've had wet dreams. You just don't know it because everything on you is wet. I promise you. Have you had a wet dream? I never had a wet dream, but I had an erection.

I flew here today, and I get an erection whenever the plane takes off. The altitude gives me an erection. And for years, hold on, Fuzzy, let me finish because I'm a professional. Apologies. If I begin talking,

it means there's a joke coming. If they're not laughing, I didn't fucking finish. Wait, wait! Wait, wait! Thank you. So, I used to have a thing where I was afraid of flying, and I would get anxious,

and so I would go into the bathroom and jerk off every single time I flew. Literally, as soon as the unfast new seatbelt's on, beep! That was like a Pavlov's dog. I would get an erection when I heard that beep, and I would lean my head because you know how the fucking wall

would get an angle, and I would lean my head against it, and you got it. Here's the key, Tony, because I... I'm taking notes here. You got to line the bowl with paper because once that come hits that fucking dried out, air cleaned,

it doesn't go anywhere. It stays. So you want to line it. You want to line it. Right, and you shoot your load on the toilet paper. You shoot it on the toilet paper, and you get a fucking triangle in your forehead. It just says

no smoking on your forehead. By the way, Spirit Airlines has a hole in between the two bathrooms. There you go. There's one of those wonky red-band jokes for you, everybody. Those of you that were waiting for it. It's got a shoehorn something in there.

You know what I mean? Can't just let the momentum of a good joke die down. You got to just throw a shit. Thanks for your kind... You always got my back, Tony. Yeah, exactly. Because that's what comedy is about, is having someone's back. You always have my back.

Yeah, thank you. I love your back. I wish I could see it more often. Anyway. So, Fuzzy, stick with me here. You... When you came on yourself inside of an airplane,

did anybody notice what was going on there? Was it an international flight? Was it like a 45-minute flight? International flight, 14 hours from Pakistan to Chicago here. And... Wow. Not a lot of people are taking that flight.

And that's a flight where people are worried about fucking small amounts of liquids being smuggled in and on and everything. People are like, this Pakistani guy has a liquid that he didn't have on the plane originally. It's leaking through his pants. It's more than three ounces.

Three ounces. I love it. Jesus Christ. You're an animal, Fuzzy. Did you have a window seat in Iowa? Don't tell me you were in the middle, busting nuts between people. Dude, it was an empty flight, so I got four, you know, a middle row

all to myself, and I just fucking knocked out and I just, you know, woke up and there's cum everywhere. Oh, my God. What are you gonna do? I play it cool when you look like me. I have a red triangle on my forehead on a flight. Jesus Christ. How many times do you have a wet dream like in your life, would you say?

Yeah, how often does that happen? I would say I'm prone to them. I haven't been counting, but like, really? So what happens if you don't jerk off, it happens? Or do they mean if you don't cum, it happens? I don't know what's triggering it. Like, I was gonna say it's the altitude, probably, for me.

Have you ever tried a massage parlor every couple of days? No, it's just like, honestly, I've had dreams about having wet dreams. Like, wet dreamception. And I wake up and there's no cum. Whoa. Yeah, and some fucked up is going on.

That's a joke right there. You gotta write that shit out right there. I'll work on it for sure. I don't know if it is. I don't think it actually is a joke. Yeah, it is. Fuzzy, tell us something else interesting about you that we don't know yet. Any special skills or talents you get at anything

that you don't know yet? I can, like, twist my left arm in a weird manner. All right, let's see that. Let's have some twist, some left arm music. Here we go. Can I use this table? Yeah. Whoa!

I went too far. Oh, my God, that is fucking creepy. Yeah, that's like it. Why don't you use that arm to jerk off sometimes? This way you'll have less wet dreams. And the way you get twisted, you'll be like, man, whose horribly hairy arm is...

Oh! There's a lot of hair on those arms. You really are Pakistani. Do your parents know that you do stand-up comedy? Yeah, they know. Pakistanis aren't huge fans of stand-up. Am I correct? My dad loves it. My dad's, like, pretty Americanized at this point.

He's about to riffle a guitar there. My mom, she's supportive, but she's a little bit more on the strict side. What does your mom want you to be doing for a living? I mean, doctor, gas station attendant, one of the... Oh, wow. There you go. Wow. What diversity. You only have a chance at one of those jobs, so...

Very fun. Fuzzy, you've been on the show a couple of times. It's always a pleasure. Great jokes, man. Great stuff. There goes Fuzzy Killie, everybody. Follow him on social media at FuzzyKill. What do you guys think? Should we go to this bucket one more time?

All right. Let's see what happens here. Wild nights tonight. Oh! Red writing. Matt Robertson. Matt Robertson. Here he comes.

Hell, yeah. Thank you. One more time for Matt Robertson. Thank you. I'm 38, and I have a male roommate. I'm doing real good. If you're over 35 and you have a male roommate,

you've made some mistakes in life. If you're over 35 and you have a male roommate, you better be fucking them. You know? If you're just straight guys living together for financial reasons, you know? This isn't even a belt. This is a bungee cord. I don't have much money.

I've been going to Barton Springs. It's pretty hot. I've been going to Barton Springs. You know how you always go there? But like you get there, it's never the titties you want to see. You know? It's never the Whole Foods. Yoga, Amazon Prime titties. It's always like the bargain bin grab bag.

I won't get one for you titties. I get angry like a mode titties. I'm like these dirty hippie titties. Fuck! A lot of people down there in open relationships close that shit up. It's gross. No one wants you, so you got with each other and you're trying to franchise this shit back up to the world. Lock it up.

Lock your dirty, ugly love away. Love away. Thank you. All right. All right, Matt Robertson. Greg, what do you think about this guy? You're looking at me all the time. Well, he wore a Superman shirt.

And is the Kryptonite punchlines? I know. Because you seem to be afraid of them. The only thing you have in common with Superman is you both get ready inside of a phone booth. It's a turd. It's jokes are plain. Do you always wear...

Do you have different superhero shirts? What is the bottom? It looks like you came on your shirt and it's stuck. No, hold it back down. It was stuck. It was stuck. It was sticky. Either you came on your shirt or you sat next to Fuzzy on an airplane.

I don't know which one. Well, when I was in eighth grade, I'd come in my underwear a lot because I didn't know you were not supposed to do that. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You would come in your underwear? Yeah, and I'd get it back from my mom. What do you mean? You would rub it?

No, but you know, you jerk off and you just don't... I didn't know you were supposed to not come on your underwear. And then I'd get it back and it'd be fine. Wait, wait, wait. Where would you send your underwear to? To my mom, to wash. And it would come back and there'd be no cum, so I didn't think about it. It was a long time ago and it was still there prominently.

Which makes me think my mom was just scrubbing the cum out of my underwear all through high school. Wait a second. What the fuck is happening right now? That's the only option. Normally the interview part doesn't get weirder than the set, but it just did. No, that makes sense, right? That was the conclusion.

Matt, I want you to stop talking. Now I know why Superman's parents launched him to another planet. Oh, my God. You people should be dying right now. How are you not laughing at that? That is such a... That's the best fucking Superman joke. That is absolutely... Right now, Lex Luthor is on an evil planet like...

Look at the set Superman just had on Kylton. A Superman tank top. You are 38 years old and you are dressed like that. Like, you look like... Have you ever seen the movie Big with Tom Hanks? Yeah. You look like you were a kid earlier and you got transferred into the body of an adult,

but you're stuck wearing the clothes that your boy self was wearing. I feel like I look like if Chet Hanks and Michael Phelps fucked, you know. No, you don't. You know what I mean? Like a shitty white guy. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? On and off for like a couple years.

Okay. What do you do for work? I wanted to say more years, but that would be embarrassing, so I'm not going to, you know. That would be embarrassing, no matter what. I know. What do you do for work? I work with Rebecca. I shot Big J special and I did camera for Shane.

Oh, okay. So you look like a winner here. You ignore me. I see you there a lot. No, you're very nice. No, I'm very nice. Tell the truth. People on the internet believe that shit when you morons try to be funny in unorthodox ways.

I'm nice to everybody. I'm nice to fucking the peasants. You know what I mean? I have to be. I understand that I have to be. No, you're great. You're very nice and you're very sweet. Thank you so much. Yes, like genuinely, yes. So that's cool.

You see you film things? Yeah, I'm doing... You film things besides the front of your shirt? Sorry. No, I did... Wow, great for you. Tell us something interesting about what do you do for fun when you're away from it all?

I don't know. Come on, you must have some... I go to hiking. I go to Barton Springs. I walk my roommate's dog a lot. He does it. You're what? I walk a dog.

What kind of dog do you have? DM. It's a husky. Okay. Absolutely. What's your love life like? I got to know what a guy wearing a Superman tank top on a Monday. Getting laid? No. No.

Superman theme. I did... No, I got laid last July. What happened there? She lived like... What happened last July? Tell us about it.

No, I was just going to say I had sex with a girl and she looked... Have you ever had a foursome with an Asian guy in two dirt balls before? Yeah. Yeah. No, I... The last girl I had sex with, she was really sexy, but she looked a lot like Laverne Cox

from Orange's New Black. You know, Laverne Cox. And I said, you look like Laverne Cox, like pulled a Pinocchio and became a real girl. But she's hot. I think Laverne Cox is sexy. You're like her if she was a real... I mean, she's a real woman, but like if she's a biological...

Holy shit. But she's hot. She is hot. She's beautiful. They're both beautiful. They're beautiful women. They're all real women. Everyone who wants to be a woman can be a woman. If you say you're a woman, you're a fucking woman. That's how it is. I'm a woman, I'll identify...

Oh, my God, Matt. You brought the show to a frenzy right now. I've never even... This room is in chaos. I really... Oh, you know... A lot of people out there have their hands over their eyes and face right now just fucking disappointed. That's appropriate.

I do do impressions, if you want to. Really? Impressions of who? Jewel, the singer. Let's hear your jewel impression, absolutely. Jewel is kind of like a stripper yawning. Like... You know, like... That's pretty good. Do another one.

Shakira? I do a good Shakira. Yeah, yeah, let's hear Shakira. And my hips don't fly. These are good. Listen to the sound of my body. To do a good Shakira, you add a little Kermit the Frog. And my hips don't fly.

Like, just a little... That's pretty good. Who else? Who else can you do? I play an instrument. What instrument do you play? I play... I play a mean rape whistle. Real good.

I play guitar, but I'm not good. I'm the one blowing the whistle. I'm the one about to get raped. That's not a rape joke. It's safe. I play guitar, but I'm not good. It's all good. We're not having you play guitar tonight. You don't have to worry about that. No, thank you, Tony.

Tony, why don't you do an impersonation of a host wrapping up again? Yeah, I am. Trust me. I promise you. It goes a little bit like this. Matt, it was fun to have you. There he goes. Matt Robertson, everybody. I don't know. I did it a little late. It feels weird ending the bucket like that.

You guys think we should do one more? All right. I'm going to stir it up real well. We'll see what we can get from down here. This is oinks. Let's get something from down at the bottom here. All right, ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Fuchikawa!

Oh! Whoo! Here comes Jonah! Whoo! Oh my gosh, I can't believe it. Hi, my name is Jonah Fuchikawa and I'm an Asian American. Yeah, so being Asian,

it's very scary right now, especially for white people, because if you don't laugh tonight in my jokes, you are committing a hate crime. All right, white people, you better be laughing. Let's see. White person, not laughing. Hate crime. White person, not laughing. Hate crime. I'm like Oprah.

You're committed a hate crime. You're all committed a hate crime! But Tony, I'm very proud of you for not having a major meltdown right now and, you know, yelling racial slurs at me and just losing your mind. But you do have a

major red flags of being a racist. I mean, come on. Tony. Tony, you're from fucking Ohio. Like, yeah, of course you're going to be a racist. But here's the deal. You are improving. I do believe in second chances and I am proud of you. There you go.

Jonah Fuchikawa, everybody. What were you going to say there? You believe in second chances and... Yes, I just want to say, you know, you are a second chance and I just hope you continue to grow and improve in that the show rebrands away from KKK

and white power because if you continue this up, we will have to rename the show racist Tony. There you go. Okay. Very good. He's kidding. Stop booing him. He's trying to make jokes, you idiots. He's failing. He does jokes. We do jokes.

Jonah, relax, relax. First of all, why do you keep saying that you're Asian? Why am I Asian? Yeah, why do you keep saying that? Because I am. What kind of Asian are you? Japanese. Really? Have you gotten like a... Have you gotten like a 21 in me

for the fuck? I've never seen an Asian guy with an Italian nose before. And Italian eyes and an Italian chin and Italian hair. Italian mustache, Jewish nose. You're just trying to make it, huh?

On the next month. You're just the fucking race of the month, huh? Yes, sir. Just trying to fit in. That's all. Next week you'll be fucking trans and gay. I love it, Jonah. Fun stuff. How long have you been to one stand up? A couple months.

Can you say you're Japanese? How Japanese are you? His dick's Japanese. It is very small. It's a micro penis. Who's Japanese? Your mom, your dad? My dad's side, yes. Your great-grandpa?

Yes, it was from Japan. Sadly, he was an internment camp. Sure, victim, victim, victim. We understand. We already had a vibe for your style. My great-grandfather was somewhat of a victim of something. Was it funny now?

No. Anyway. Jonah, let's talk about it. Your great-grandfather, you're stuck with the Fuji Calla name just off of your great-grandfather. Who had sex with somebody. That's 50%. That made your grandpa 25%.

Then your dad had sex. Which made it less than 13%. 13%. Am I right? Less than 12%. Tony, he's the Asian guy. Let him do the math. Great fruit! This is why I love my life. My friends from Los Angeles

come out to visit and they blow my mind. They blow my mind. Great fruit! He's in the motherfucking house. So you're sitting without a doubt. No more than 13% Japanese

at this moment. I don't know, maybe. I haven't done a test. Definitely Japanese. I just did. I just did it for you. Unless there's a bunch of Japanese people in the mix, it seems as though because you don't look Japanese at all. If this guy was like,

I'm Japanese, I'd be like, fuck yeah, you are, dude. Same with that, guys. Same with Hans. You know? You look a little more Chinese to me, but I'll take Japanese, I get it. You know, Hans has a little bit more of that South Korean vibe.

He's got a little forehead on him, you know what I mean? But you Japanese, I'm not seeing it. If you're like, I'm 50% magician. I'd be like, I believe that. I believe that. I believe you are a magician. You look like a magician.

You move around like a magician. Yeah, you've got community theater, magician energy. What do you do for work, Jonah? I'm an actor and I do customer support during the day. Oh, wow. Customer support. You are Asian after all. Look at that.

Yep, I built iPhones. What kind of acting have you done? Fear of walking dead. Okay. You were one of the zombies? Yeah, I was a zombie and did the whole makeup perspective. Wow, that's so cool. Can you do a little reenactment of your...

Actually, what it was, I had the bubonic plague, a rat bit me. So I'm just drinking water and taking pills during the show. Yeah. And what do you think? Here, let's go back. I'm going to put myself in a very interesting position here. It's my own choice, so I'm going to do it. What did you

really think when all of that stuff happened with me? Because you acknowledged it during your set. So I'm interested to hear what your actual take is without trying to make a joke. What do you think happened there? I want to know what the perception of a guy that is 12% Asian... At the most, by the way,

at the most 12%. I have the feeling some of your mom's parents had dominant genes anyway. I'm still giving you 12. 12. But what do you think about all that? Were you highly offended? No, I am being honest, like, of the second chance.

Like, you know, I wasn't offended. People say stuff and stuff, but you grow from it, so you learn because you're just having a moment. Yeah, what if I was just making a joke about a comedian that knew what kind of jokes that I make and was talking about how white people are so mean? Exactly. So you know

it was a joke? Yes. Okay, good. Just making sure. Yes. I still hate you, but I'm just making sure. Of course. Yeah, gotta give you shit. I love it. Jonah, what, do you have any special skills or talents? We had a guy bend his left arm up here earlier. We had someone play guitar. What's a special thing that you could do

to bring this crowd to a frenzy right now? I can make a sound like a baby. Okay, let's hear it. Okay. I want to hear this really badly. Wow. I like that. Damn. Is that okay? Red Band likes it. I like it. Thank you. Red Band loves it. I think you're a little bitch,

but Red Band loves it. I'm a small bitch. Jonah, welcome to the show. Greg, anything else for Jonah? What do you think about this fucking bag of grapes up here? Now, I like that. I like, again, it's the community

theater energy. You ran to the stage. Some of these people walk up here like the fucking president of the United States is about to give the state of the union. This guy fucking sprinted like a good Chinaman. He ran from the back.

Gotta serve the white man. I swear to God, I'm 12% Japanese. Hey, forget about it. Hey. We never... I don't like the year I was born, because it's the year of the rat.

What am I, shopliver? The most Italian Japanese man ever, ladies and gentlemen. Jonah Fuchikawa. There he goes. He's on social media. At the Fuchikawa F-U-J-I

K-A-W-A Here you go, Jonah. Take one of those. Absolutely. All right. Let's finish this show with a bang. We have a regular on the show who is the longest standing regular in the show's history. He's been doing this

for years, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Memphis, Tennessee, now a resident of Austin, Texas. We present the big red machine, William Montgomery. Hello, my name is William, and I'm an Asian-American. Give it up for Asia!

Let's give it up for Asia! No, but seriously, I want to thank Tony for letting me on tonight, even though I tested positive for COVID two days ago. Thank you. I was in Colorado at my buddy's wedding, and I wrote these jerks down when I was

on LSD. Let's see if they work. Is it just me or is Minnie Mouse put on some weight lately? If you're afraid of your own shadow, just wait until you see the dark one day. Right next to Bed Bath & Beyond, I'm going to open up

a store called Beyond Beyond. I'm going to sell everything Bed Bath & Beyond hasn't sold yet. Yes, I'd like to buy some spring lavender hand lotion, some linen drapes, and a couple cap and crunch anime posters. Sir, we have the first two,

but you'll have to go next door for the posters. Do another one. And then I had one more. I bet it's pretty boring at a gender reveal party for a non-binary couple, because nobody shows up. This guy is a master. Because they don't have any fucking friends.

Maybe some of you are new to comedy, but this guy knows how to write a fucking joke. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. A brand new minute every single week in front of the entire internet for years. It's an unheard of

position that he's put himself in that he thrives in and lives for and loves. William, welcome back. It's nice to be here. You went to Colorado this week for your friend's wedding, right? I did. How was that? I was wearing this when I smuggled

weed on the plane earlier. How did you smuggle it? You can't really smuggle weed from Colorado. I smuggled weed for in all truth and all honesty. It was just a joint. I was scared to death, though. I was scared to death. It's like I had a pound

of fucking weed on me. I was horrified. Did you wrap it up? Put some coffee? Why would I have done that? Seriously, why would I have done that? Why are you even saying this shit right now? I'm totally fucking on edge. I'm still

fucking high from this whole thing. I was walking up a flight of fucking steps and I couldn't breathe when I was there. Oh, yeah. Colorado's no joke. That's high altitude up there. It was. It's the Rocky Mountain Way. I love it. Did you do anything fun

when you were there? I was laying around a bunch. I mean, I was legitimately tired there. Yeah. From just walking around. You did a joke about testing positive for COVID, but that's a joke, right? It is not.

It is not, so y'all fucking stay away from me tonight. Because I kind of want to fucking spread it to everyone tonight. Yeah. This is going to be a super spreader event. How many of you out there want

William to spit on you right now in the audience? Make some noise. That table over there once it. William, go spit in that guy's mouth real quick. No, it's okay. You don't have to. Luckily he's wearing a mask. Luckily he's wearing a mask.

It's made of orange pubic hair. It's made of orange pubic hair. William, I love it. I'm so glad you are. I'm so glad you are alive and well. And how long have you been sober now for? 65 days, baby. Wow.

65 days. Counting it off. This is the guy that used to wake up and just fucking crank a six pack like a crazy artist. And now he's still writing the same caliber jokes. I'd probably say better jokes than ever before and performing better than ever.

And doing it completely sober. Great. Back up for a second. Sober, but you tripped on LSD and smoked coffee this weekend? Yeah, it's just alcohol and cocaine were my issue. So I haven't been doing that. Oh, that's good. Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. I'm sure that'll hold. Come on. Are you serious? I think that's how it works. Just get rid of one or two. And they tend to stay away. Okay. Jesus. I'm saying this is the guy who quit

drinking 30 years ago, but I still smoke pot. It's called California High. You're California sober. That's what I've heard. California sober. Yeah. Good luck with it. That's as big of an applause as you could get after saying California

anything in Texas, by the way. You could literally be like, California came up with a cure for the coronavirus. These people would be like, fuck that. Don't need it. What does it turn you into a pussy? These people are animals out here.

High and dry. I love it. William, you are a fucking angel. You are the kill Tony angel. You are. You really are. You're a fucking god. Come out here every week and you show everybody how it's supposed to be done with killer one-liners. One more time for William Montgomery, everybody.

Ryan J. Evel drew tonight's episode while you all sat there doing nothing. He drew it from Los Angeles. Look at that. Hell yeah, dude. Every prince available RyanJEbelT.com and the new Kill Tony

bingo cards, which are flying off the shelves. I got an update earlier. They're selling very fast. Let's go to RyanJEbelT.com Get the new Kill Tony bingo cards. Get the print of your favorite show or tour or whatever. It's ever happened before. Guys, how loud can this place get

from my guests? The great Greg Fitzsimmons everybody. Grand Rapids, Michigan. Golden Colorado. Get tickets at Fitzdog.com and listen to Fitzdog Radio and Sunday Papers with my man Mike Gibbons

on the ones and twos there with you. I've done a lot of Fitzdog Radio. I've done a lot of fucking hungover, crazy ass episodes with you where I spilled way too many beans about shit. Yeah, we got deep into some shit. We always do. But always fun. How about one more time

for Greg Fitzsimmons everybody. Thank you very much. And how about the Kill Tony band? Michael Gonzalez and Matt Mueling everybody. Follow them at Mutation M-U-E-H-T-A-T-I-O-N and Mike A. Gons

13, G-O-N-Z 13. The rest of the band will be back next week. It's the official screwball peanut butter whiskey band. How about one more hand for the people that made it available for you. The yellow rose and red rose everybody. Adrian Cavazzo said

Bones Eye. CM Smokehouse. The great Yoni is going to be back next week. He came down with the COVID-19. It's going to be strong as a bull though. Our whole crew did. Yeah, we did this episode with a skeleton crew

of people that made it. Hey, by the way guys ladies that are listening to this podcast will you please send your feet to Greg Fitzsimmons Instagram. Okay, there you go. And be sure to stick around everybody. Hang out with us afterwards. Good night everyone.

Thank you so much. Good night everybody. So yeah, if you guys if you guys are in the mood unlock your phones and get another drink and just hang out or just chill for a while and then just chill.

Hang out. Enjoy yourselves. Be merry. Have fun everyone. Nether hour is about to play an unbelievable band. You guys are going to love it. It's going to be fun. It's going to be fun. An unbelievable band.

You guys are going to love it. Everybody's going to have fun all night long. Who wants a big joke book, huh? Thank you.