KILL TONY - #518 - MICHAEL LEHRER

Episode Date: August 13, 2021

Michael Lehrer, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, David Lucas, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/02/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—Super Speciosa! Try Kratom and get 20% off your entire order – go to GetSuperLeaf.com/tonyand use promo code TONY for 20% off your entire order—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road, and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything, at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does, and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to

RyanJ.Ebelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Let's go. Come on, guys. It's Monday night. You guys ready to fucking party or what? Oh, shit. Austin, Texas. Red Band's here, everybody. It's a fucking noise. Oh, this is very exciting. Very, very exciting. How's everybody in the upper deck doing tonight? How's the balcony? You guys with us? How about the first floor? Are you guys here?

Yeah, the fucking rich people always have more fun. These people paid extra money for good seeds. Actually, the people on the side actually have the same amount of tickets. I love it. I love it. We're going to have fun here tonight. No one has more fun than us. This is the... How about a hand for the band, everybody? The screwball peanut butter whiskey band. Fuck yeah. How about that? It happens quick. These guys are amazing. The great Matt Mueling on guitar, ladies and gentlemen, playing at Munch's Jazz on the 6th and the Long Center on the 12th with Harry Edo Kuma. Edo Kuma. And how about a hand for the great Michael Gonzalez on drums, everybody? And the great Sean Deese on the keys, everyone. Follow him on Instagram,

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Well, well, well. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week we have an unbelievable comedic guest here for you this week, of course, is no different. This one's of it. How many of you are real fans of this show? How many of you are here because you found out that this is like a scene and it's a place to be on Mondays in Austin? All right. Well, you guys are in for a sad, sad happening right now because this one's for the fucking fans and also real fans of comedy. Tonight's guest for his first time ever sitting at this table with us is a man who is, has absolutely broken the mold here on killtony is one of the most standout regulars in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, an absolute comedic genius with over two years of

experience in the improv world, its second city in Chicago, ended up being diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease and chased his bucket list goal of becoming a standup comedian, only to become immediately a regular on killtony and famously one of the great comedians in the history of the show. Tonight's guest, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Michael Lair everybody. Guys, you got to get louder than that for Michael Lair everybody. Maybe you don't know what the fuck is going on right now. Hell yeah. Come on in. Parallel park your ass right next to me. He's got to back it in. Got a lot of speakers and wires up here. This shit is, is that real? John Deese. Hell yeah. That's what that button on that keyboard's been for the whole time. You've

been waiting. You're like one day there's going to be a guy in a wheelchair and I'm going to kill this shit. What is that instrument on the keyboard called? Is that literally called just in case you ever need it? I love it. Michael Lair, welcome my friend. Yeah, yeah, y'all. Hey y'all, you're ready for two hours at Jim Ruiz? I think we all are. Michael, you know the show well. For those of you who might be your first time at the show, a bunch of comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket, which also has an undertaker doll in it for some reason. Hundreds and hundreds of names as you see. Anything can happen. I pull a name out. They get 60 seconds of uninterrupted time for there. It's okay. It's okay. Trust me. He'll sit up himself in just a second.

They get uninterrupted 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means we're wrapping up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's it. You ready to hear 60 seconds of comedy from somebody, huh? But another cool thing about this show is that we also have a few regulars that do a brand new minute every single week. It's been that way since the start of the show. Michael's one of those people, but he's taken his night off from doing a minute. But tonight to start the show, an instant legend here in Kill Tony history, the only regular that was appointed a regular here in Austin, Texas, just a couple months ago. You know him. You love him. It's the great and

powerful Hans Kim, everyone. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. The show has begun. Hey, what's up, guys? The Olympics are in Japan this year. You can tell because the gymnasts have blurred crotches. It's an octopus in the swimming pool. I don't understand why people molest children because they have the most time to come avenge you. When they're 25, you're 65. That's why I only molest the elderly. My sister's kind of a bitch. She's like, did you know that your toilet water is cleaner than the drinking water in Africa? I was like, that's the pipes that we

have. What do you want me to do about it? If I see an African walking down the street, I'll let him drink from my toilet. It's not a problem. Just flush afterwards. I don't want to get AIDS. Thank you. Holy shit, Hans Kim coming in just absolutely fucking murderous way to start the show. Jesus Christ, those are a couple of my favorite jokes I've heard in forever. I'm absolutely anybody. That molesting joke is probably my favorite joke of 2021, man. Seriously. Been a good year for molesting. Hans, you are absolutely on fire. We have seen you take the momentum of becoming a kill Tony regular and ride it into the heavens, my friend. Famously great sets every single time. Michael, what did you think about Hans's set tonight?

I'm mad that he's so good because I want all their regular attention. That's true. That's very honest. Very honest. Extremely honest. Hans also famously has these great appearances after the show where he sits there. He listens to me. Have you had a fun week this week? Yes, I had a blast at one of the coolest parties I've ever been to. Yeah, well, you we don't have to talk about that, but let's talk about your appearance last week. We're famously, famously, you people haven't seen it yet, but maybe how many of you were at last week's show physically? Oh, okay. Well, then some of you may know Hans famously made out with a girl. This is that was his second week in a row where a random female audience member came to the stage

you made out with her. And then afterwards, I heard about this immediately afterwards during the elusive and highly rumored about kill Tony after parties that sometimes happen. He had sex with her in the broom closet, everybody. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, but Tony, he didn't tell you that that guy also had sex with him in the broom closet. That's a joke. That's what that's where Red Bantho is in a wacky joke. But I thought that no one had sex with my dear boy, Hans. I would never let another man mate with Hans. But no, you had sex with this girl. Let's talk about it. How was it? She was a little firecracker. She had the little butch haircut. It was a whole thing. She was very energetic and enthusiastic.

How did you know like what what stood out as energetic and enthusiastic to you? Well, we did a little doggy style. We did mostly doggy style. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Did you eat the dog afterwards? No, I'm kidding. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Low hanging fruit. Low hanging fruit. I'm sorry. You thought I would have learned by now. And she she did the thing where she backs into it and like does a little circle motion. Whoa. Hell yeah. Professional. Yeah, the old fucking ass tornado. I've seen that before. Michael. I would just like to say now more than ever, I hate Hans. Yeah. Yeah. I move here for that. And the biggest surprise is being able to

is more of a dear breaker than being Asian. Michael. Yeah. Michael has not got to have sex in the broom closet. However, once the janitor did think he was a mop and bucket. It's the closest to having sex in a broom closet. Well, there's no ramp into the broom closet. That's true. There's always steps to the broom closet. So Hans, tell me more. How did it finish? What happened when you climaxed? Like, what was that like exactly? Was that during the was that during the doggy style or the ass spinning? Like, what does it take? What does it take to make a guy like Hans Kim come?

So there was the ass spinning in the beginning and then it was just straight back and forth linear. Oh, linear. Okay. Okay. Geograph. Geometrically fucking regular sex. Okay. How long did you last? It was like a good 60 seconds. There was a sound of a cat. Go ahead. Well, how long did you last? I would say like five minutes. Okay. That's respectful. That's pretty good for in our broom closet. Yeah. Normally, like broom closet sex, the guy comes immediately because you're thinking, wow, what a dirty girl this is. This is so wrong. And that's exactly how most guys come. I think that's what most guys are into. Do you remember like what your sounds and face look like when you came?

Tony. I'm sorry. I did it again. That part might get edited out. I'm going to be honest with you. Just kidding. I always just say that nothing gets edited out. Maybe we'll beep that part. We'll beep it and put a blur over my face because I went cross-eyed for no reason. That's insulting. Now, what was it like? How'd you come? What was it like? I was doing the linear motion and then she disembarked. Oh, wow. I didn't realize she was on a cruise ship this whole time. And then she started giving me a little blow job with a condom on. She kept the condom on? Yes. That means she knows something that you don't want to know. Wait, why did you have a condom on? Okay, right there. Just take it off. Let's just all soak it

in. Let's slow it down. And then after the blow job was over. I still want to know the answer to his question. Did you put the condom on or did she put the condom on you originally? She was insistent on the condom. Oh, okay. Yeah, dude. So we were in the closet and then we got trapped in it. We couldn't open the door. So then I called my buddy, Rich, and he came and opened the door and I was like, dude, do you have a condom? And he's like, yeah, here you go. And I was like, dude, you're the best. Holy shit, Rich came to the janitor's closet? Yeah. By the way, it's incredible. I have never in my life heard of condom sex in the janitor's closet before. Right. That's like the opposite. Yeah, the fact that you had sex with such a dirty girl and such a

what should be a clean place is incredible. And you had clean sex in a dirty place. It's all like mind blowing if you think about it. You like broke the matrix of dirty hookups at a bar venue. And then she wouldn't let me finger her in the parking lot yesterday. Red Band is insistent on knowing on what your face is like when you come show the audience. Look right at that camera right across there and show us your comfays. Wow. It was worth it. Well, I mean, incredible to know all this information, but you know, there's still a part of me that wants to keep this momentum going. I think we can do better. The first week he made out with the girl, the second week he made out with her on the stage,

and then after the show had sex in a broom closet, let's see what happens this week. Is there a Kill Tony fan out there? Is there a lady out there that wants to come up and start a new segment called Monday night with Hans? Maybe start a family this time every week. There's always a beautiful girl that comes down sometimes from the balcony, sometimes from down here. How many do you think we should get a girl up here to make out with Hans tonight? This guy doesn't seem to think so, huh? This fucking tough guy. drove all the way from Round Rock to be here tonight. I have no idea where he is right now. It's like, what's up with all these faggots talking about sex?

Well, actually, I brought a date to tonight's show. So what the fuck are you doing, man? And that was that was that was Hans's existence as a regular. Everybody with that. You brought a date? Yeah. Well, why doesn't she come down and make out with you then? Well, that's a good point. Get down here. Where is she? This is taking too long. Hans, don't bring a fucking date to kill Tony. Oh, look, it's my day. Oh, shit. Look at this easy hoe. Hey, it's Paige. Wait. Oh, hold on. Hold on. Stop, stop, stop. Let me tell you something. I got to tell you something. That's not good. This whole bring a date to kill Tony thing, some bullshit. This

chick probably knows that if she goes on a date with you on a Monday that she gets that's the laziest kiss I've seen out of all the kisses the past few weeks. That's like a sponsor that we don't get paid for. Yeah, that kiss was fucking. I mean, take your shirt off and kiss them. Wait, everybody. No, no, no, don't do that. Don't do that. Stop, stop, stop. Redband, can you chill a little bit? How much Red Bull did you have before tonight's fucking show? Hold on. Hans, what the fuck is a date on? How did you start this date? What happened here? Where did you guys fucking meet? We met on Instagram. Oh, God. Hans, you are such a fucking pushover. Met on Instagram. Who met who? How did this happen?

Do you want to tell them? No, I don't want her to talk right now. I'm pretty sure this is all her plans unfolding. She messes with me. That's exactly what she wants you to say and she's going to make some fucking shitty joke if you put that mic in front of her face. She invited me to a Jason Mraz concert. Just randomly on Instagram out of nowhere? Yeah. It was like a teenage girlfriend. So she's a fan of the show. She saw it once and was... Does she know the show? Do you know the show? I had a friend show me. Yeah. So that's a yes. Okay. Is there another girl in the audience that'll come down here? Well, Hans is on a fucking date and show Hans, show this girl what a real kiss looks like on a

Monday night. I'm going to wait until it happens. I'm going to fucking wait. I know a miracle will happen here. That girl did not think it was going to go that way. You know, it told me. Yes, Michael. Is this one coming? I think she wants to come up. Yes. Come on up here. This is the greatest show in the world and you are at it right now. Yes. Look at this shit. Yeah.

Yes. Oh shit, dude. Oh my God. Wow. That is absolutely. Hans's date came to an abrupt end just now. And to the broom closet we go. Hey, thank you, sweetheart. You're a legend. What's your name? How about a hand for Alyssa, everybody? Hans, this is taking way too long, but I got to ask you how do you feel? I feel amazing. Tony, should we get the date back up to see what she feels about this? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. Maybe she can go to off to a Jason Moraz concert or something like that, but bring a date on your Monday night show. Michael, what do you think

about all this? You know, I'm in the handicap bathroom before this show. I fucked Hans's date. Hans's what? Date. Oh, okay. Michael fucked Hans's date. This is going to be the first podcast that has subtitles on it, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you listening, just use the Braille app on your iPhone. I love it. Hans, you're a fucking legend. What a great way to get the show started. Thank you so much. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen, and it has begun. Wow, that was awesome. The show's completely improvised if you haven't noticed. I didn't know Hans was on a date. By the way, Hans owes Peng a lot of fucking respect. If it wasn't for Peng, well, I mean, no, you know, I don't, I'm not exactly sure about that. I think Hans could have

easily become a regular even without all that crazy shit happening. He's amazing. How about one more time for Hans Kim, everyone? All right, we're going to the bucket. This is where shit gets crazy real quick. You're about to watch someone's dreams either happen or get crushed or a mixture of two. Your first comedian out of the bucket, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Jimmy Nelson, everyone. Here we go. And it has begun. Here comes Jimmy. Hell yeah. Here we go. One more time for Jimmy Nelson, everybody. All right. So I was hanging out with some 18-year-olds recently. It wasn't creepy, don't worry. But do you remember being 18 and feeling like an adult, like you were a smart guy in the world?

You hang out with them and it's just a gaggle of morons. Like it's a room full of children. Here's a weird fact. You can legally sleep with someone born in 2003. Doesn't that not sound like the right year? Like if somebody tells you 2003, like is this a trap? Is this where Chris Hansen walks out? Like take a seat. Like, oh no, not again. Fool me once, you know. But I don't know. I kind of want to be the creepy guy that hits on 18 to 20-year-olds, specifically 18 to 20-year-olds. Just so when people ask me why, I can tell them. The best pussy is post-9-11 pussy. There was something in the air that day.

Thank you guys. Jimmy Nelson. Fuck yeah, man. Good set. Welcome to the show. Thank you very much. How are you? I'm good, yourself. Good. How long have you been on stand-up? Five or six years. Five or six years. Where are you from? Here in Austin? Now I'm from Dallas.

Okay. How long have you been in Austin? Today. Whoa. You just drove down for this? Just drove down and do this, yeah. I love it. Awesome. Look at that. You got pulled right away. This is your first time on the show, right? First time? We know nothing about you. Tell us something interesting about you. I can do 9-11 jokes because I'm a firefighter and we're allowed to.

Oh, okay. That's like how black people get to say the n-word. That's incredible. Little known fact. I love it. Wow. You guys have a lot of 9-11 jokes? No, just that one. Got another one. This is a knock-knock joke. I heard this from a homeless man one time not taking credit for this one. It's a knock-knock. Who's there? 9-11. 9-11 who?

I thought you said you'd never forget. Oh, yeah. Wow. That didn't deserve that or anything at all. I wanted to hear the silence. I'll tell the homeless guy to go fuck himself. I bet. I bet. Yeah. That 9-11 joke came crashing down really hard. Incredible. So, Jimmy, that's what you do for work? Firefighter? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing that for?

Three years. Three years. And is it true you do it only for the pussy? Yes. Have you ever saved a... The pension's nice too, but... What's that? The pension's nice too, but... Okay. What's some crazy stuff that you've done? Like, have you ever saved anybody or anything?

Yeah. I had a bunch of fires. I saw a dog eat a guy one time. Wow. He ate him all the way? He got started, but then the dog also died. So, we kind of walked into the room and it was... Yeah. How did the dog die? I don't know. You know. We didn't get the... What's the law and order team out there to figure that one out? Wait. So, the dog... The man died. The dog... Was the man already dead?

Yeah. So, we get called as a welfare check. The neighbor's worried about... It's like an old guy that's a hoarder. Oh, shit. So, we walk up and we're like, when was the last time you saw him? And they go about three weeks ago. Oh, shit. It's a while. I don't know. He's an 80-year-old guy. They send firefighters on welfare checks now? Yeah. That's a... We do all like... Most of our jobs are medical.

But anything an ambulance would go to is us. Wow. I would not... If I woke up and you were the one taking care of me, I'd be like, this is it. Better tie up my loose ends right now. This guy's giving me chest compressions. I'm dead. This fucking guy. Through the board. What a bro. Thank you, sir. I love it. What do you do for fun?

You're a firefighter. I mean, you guys just hang around the firehouse and take naps all day and shit, right? There's a little ping-pong that gets played, but... Okay. I don't think I'm allowed to say that word anymore, but... What else? What else goes on in the firefight? Is that here in Austin? No, it's up in DFW. The what? Dallas, Fort Worth.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Interesting shit. All right. What do burnt tits look like? Okie dokie red danna. Very good. He just says things sometimes. You don't really have to answer that one. Yeah. Anything else you do for fun? You have any special skills or talents? You seem like you might have... I do jujitsu a lot, so, you know.

Okay. Michael, what do you think about this guy? Insert Joe Rogan podcast. I like him. I'm really into Y2K pussy as well. But, um, today's a red band question. Burnt titties look like s'mores. Ah, yes. I could see how there would be some marshmallow fluff looking residue there. Little graham cracker crust. I just wonder if a girl has fake tits. Like, if it gets too hot, like, they burst and like, they help her, like, you know, with the water and stuff like that.

I'm sure there's like a cartoon air coming out situation. I'm sure you'll know what burnt tits look like eventually. When you put a microwave dinner on your chest, one of these nights is something. Jimmy, anything else crazy about your life that we'd find interesting about you at all? You just firefight and fucking do nothing? Yeah, it's firefighting and doing this. How about your love life? Is it true what they say about firefighters or whatever? For a lot of them, yes.

Not for you? Not for me. I've been, uh, same relationship for like four years. Wow. Oh, jeez, Louise. Live together, got two dogs, all that fun stuff. Do you like her? She's all right. What does she do? She does sales.

Nice vague job. What's your favorite thing about her? Her beautiful personality. What's your least favorite thing about her? Her stupid personality. Ah, I had a feeling, Jimmy. Jimmy's old school. Jimmy's like a throwback. She means like a guy on Leno in the late 80s or something like that.

Theo Vaughn's. Uh-oh. But no, but like, I knew you were going to say that at some point. I'm like, Red Band's definitely just because of the haircut. He's going to call you Theo. But he's like it. Vaughn's though. That was a grocery store. Oh, Theo Vaughn's. That's a great joke.

Oh, good job. That grocery store. You guys don't know. It's a grocery store we're from. I know. He does jokes that people don't know. It's the West Coast. It's a specific style that Red Band likes to do. Then he goes, I told you, Google it. Jimmy, um, wow, you are just a glass of water, aren't you?

I mean, you're just one of the most boring people. Normally I can find something interesting in anybody, but you are like my fucking arch nemesis right now. I mean, I just get nothing out of you. All right, Jimmy. I have a question. Okay. You have a question. Yeah. What is your girlfriend's cell beside her pussy?

Wow. That was just mean for no reason. What does she sell though? What does she sell for a living? Avon? No, she works like a bank. What? It works for a bank. It's a very boring answer. Everything about Jimmy.

I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm a little bit afraid of you, dude. You seem like one of those guys that he was a firefighter in a mundane relationship. Like one of these like stories of a... The neighbor said he was a nice guy. Murder or something.

Yeah, you're boring as fuck. You have no idea. Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Nelson. There he goes. You met Jimmy Nelson. Good comedian, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. You had a great set, by the way. Don't let your boring ass interview throw you off.

You came here on a mission and you did a great job. Think of shit about your life that might be interesting to talk about though on your drive back to Dallas tonight. Be like, wow, this is the stuff I could have said. Yes, all of a crown royal and Coca-Cola whenever you get it. I'll put a hand for the staff here at fucking Gas Company. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jason Brennan.

Let's see what happens here. Jason Brennan. You guys having fun out there? You guys okay? How are you two sitting by yourselves? This place makes no fucking sense. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Jason Brennan. Hey, you kicked that energy. It's good to be back in Texas.

It's good to be back doing stand-up. I had to take 10 months off because of the pandemic. My last gig beforehand was a Parkinson's convention, which sounds sad, but had all the big movers and shakers. So I like to think, I used to be a stand-up comedian that did stuff with music, so I like to do something back and forth with the crowd. Who are on the world?

Who are on the world? Who are on the world? Then why don't you pay yourselves equal? It's, I'm trying to date again. I've been single for a little while. I've been back on the date and I met a girl. Talking back and forth, she says that I'm her little tater taught because I'm 5'7 and Irish.

I found out she was a female member of QAnon, so I call her my little misinformation. Yeah. I would say don't try to pick up girls on Tinder. Pick them up on Fox News. Use that app. It's a far more effective way of finding gullible cons. Cheers, thanks.

There you go. Cheers. Jason Brennan. Hi, Jason. Welcome to the show. Hey, thank you. You know where you're at right now? Austin, Texas. Hell yeah. How long you been here?

On and off like five years. On and off for five years. You keep going back to Ireland and back? Yeah, keep getting deported, keep trying to find a way back in. So when's the last time you were in Ireland? Two years ago. Okay.

Yeah, August 2019. So you sort of got lucky with this whole coronavirus thing, huh? Pretty much. I mean, I should have been deported like four months ago. Yeah, that makes sense. Is there a special, do you travel by plane or do you just like take the rainbow or whatever the fuck you guys do?

Like, do you just ride it? Nice. Yeah, no, pretty much fly, just, you know, regular airplane, Ryanair. You know, Ryanair. You know the cheap shit? I know Ryanair, absolutely. We went on a fucking route.

Yeah, I puked in one of those. Yeah, we all did. We were on a real, we did a real European tour out there. You from Dublin? I'm not, but I have a friend who is on the show in Dublin. Okay, I bet. Yeah, absolutely. What part of Ireland are you from?

I'm from about an hour south of Dublin called Karlo. What's that place known for? No, I'm from a town of like a thousand people, so it's very, very little. There's like one or two rugby players. Oh, Sersha Ronan, the actress. God, I barely understand a word you're saying. Michael, can you translate for this man?

I have no idea. I'd rather try to figure out Michael. This is what the Irish sound like to American ears. You're in Austin, Texas. It's really hard to fathom it. I love it. What do you do for work when you're normally in Ireland? Like, what do you do for a living out there?

It sounds like every American did an Irish accent they ever heard, so let's take it. You really need to project your voice, man. That's one tip I would give you. Yeah, very small lungs. I don't know if the microphones are a lot louder in the magical land where you come from, but... I will talk louder.

What do you do for work there? I'm a cameraman, videographer, trying to be a director. I will. I hold cameras and film things. That's right. You try to sound like a goddamn American when you're on my show.

You hear me, boy? All right, Jason. What do you miss about Ireland? I don't think the stereotypical Guinness, for sure. Not the weather, although today is pretty similar. But no, I miss everything, but I like being away from it because everything else is better away.

What do you love about Austin, Texas? The heat, just the fucking... Oh, you love it. I realize this is not a funny interview. I'm just answering questions. I forgot there's a whole crowd there. It's good. Just keep answering the questions.

It's good. The last guy basically didn't answer any of the questions, so I'm just glad to be getting answers at this point. I love it. So do you know how to dance like an Irishman? Not a whole. How many of you want to see him dance like an Irishman, everybody?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hell yeah. We knew you had it in you. Look at you. Just a regular old Irishman. I bet you're the sort... But compared to many Irish guys, you're sort of like exotic, right?

Yeah, I'm time-y. Yeah, you're like a midget Jason Momoa or something like that. I'll take it. Jason Lesamo up, perhaps we could call you. He's got those Rogan nipples. They're hard as fuck right now. Oh, is that what that is?

I don't know. Let's see them like medium... Well, he's got two nipples. What the fuck's going on? Usually people do. Yeah. Anyway, so how long have you been on stand-up? Like I would say three years.

Right, three years. So you started in Ireland. Yeah. Yeah. What's the difference between Irish comedy in America? I did one gig in Ireland and then moved to America. Okay. Yeah.

So, oh, the big difference is like when you start out there, you just start doing eight minutes and you pay to let you play. What's the big difference between Irish girls and American girls? American girls have sex with me. Oh, really? Irish girls don't?

Wow, are you an Irish virgin? Yes. Really? Yeah. Wow, so you... One girl was half English, half Irish. She was my first girlfriend. And since then...

Why do you think Irish girls don't like you? I don't know. But why do you... Why does anyone think Irish girls wouldn't... Why does anyone think? Like, we haven't thought of it. We haven't had time to think about it. You've had a whole life to think about it.

I've tried. Try one of your wacky riddles on us, buddy. Why wouldn't anyone want to have sex with a guy like me? If you answer correctly, you'll get that... All right, all right. That's enough of that stupid shit. What's the most interesting thing about you or your life? I'm going to do a plug.

I'd run an Irish comedy history podcast with another comedian back home. That's the least interesting thing about your life. I run an Irish podcast now. Irish history... They get drunk out of nowhere. You notice that? I run an Irish podcast now.

I guess... Oh, so I did... I'm three years into comedy, but I took six months off to go backpack around... How many is three years? How many is it? Is it like, do we have to count the rings in the tree? Or like, is it...

If you read the tree, you will know exactly how long I've been doing that music. And I'm trying. This is like, five years into America. You should have heard me like five years ago. I bet, man. I should not have heard you five years ago. Not doing stand-up, either.

Well, Jason, I love it. We got an Irishman on the show. We had a mentally ill firefighter up here earlier. I love it. You get a joke book, my friend? Okay, sure. Hell yeah. There he goes.

Jason Brennan, everybody. Jason B. Comedy, walking out with a little joke book. Hey. What do you think? What do you think, Michael? Wham. That guy, wham. Wham.

Dallas Truin or Crwin C.L. He wrote with cursive, Dallas at underscore baked. Dallas Chewin. You have shitty handwriting, Dallas. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dallas, everybody. Here he is. Oh, we know Dallas. He's back.

How you doing, everybody? How's Vulcan doing tonight? Hell yeah, baby. First things first, if you saw the last time I was on stage, you know I'm not a lesbian. But you also know I'm named after the Dallas Cowboys. Which does make me a faggot? Yes, yes it does.

Yes, it does. I actually got called a faggot by a Packers fan. Whose name was the fudge Packers first? He didn't even see football team. Yeah, and he was a 22 and he had a husband who was a Saints fan and they used the NFL as like an aphrodisiac. They were tongue fucking each other the whole time. Damn near fucking each other

and analytically dissecting the fucking game better than Joe Buck. Fuck Joe Buck. Ah, man. I know, right? I know, right? I caught my three year old nephew eating wasabi peas, sauerkraut and horseradish. I think we may have found the next head Bundy.

I really think we may have found, and my brother did not like it at all. He did not like it at all. I love him to death but at the same time I'm like, that's serial killer motives because three hours later I was babysitting him and all that and he was going Uncle Dee Dee, it hurts and I'm like yeah, welcome to marriage.

Ah. Dad. Yeah, that's that's a good closing. I wrote that today because I was faced. I bet you did. It seems seems fresh baked. Absolutely. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Welcome Dallas. What's your last name? Irvin. Irvin. My bad. My I write like a doctor even though I'm a retard.

Right. Okay. All right. Hi, Dallas. How are you buddy? Hell yeah. Look at you. You still look like this, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We met Dallas a few months ago. We did a show at a place called, what was that place called? It's Antons or something. Something like that. Yeah, it was a venue. It was another venue.

I believe they sit empty every Monday night. Anyway. I drove home today and they definitely were not full. Oh, I know. Tony, what is it with him though? Like it seems like he can change his like hair and everything but he still has that lesbian look. Because he wants to look that way so he can do his wacky lesbian jokes.

Don't talk over me, Dallas. Yes, sir. When there's a man talking, you'll listen. All right. Okay. I know when you're around. I know when you're around the ladies, you're the leader. I know you're the we could all tell you're the you're the you're the bull

dyke of the group. Definitely. Definitely. I can't believe your name. The way you look like a lesbian, your name should be East Austin. Can't believe they named you Dallas. That's so weird. Not that many butch lesbians in Dallas.

Have you thought about like maybe just growing your hair out long? Have you thought about it? But you love the you have to do this for your lesbian jokes. Am I correct? Tell the truth. Ah, not really. It's just the fucking face is my face. That's just that's what's really.

Yeah, you get it. When you go to get your haircut, what exactly do you tell your barber and does she look exactly like you? She ain't this pretty. But shit, dude, I just do like essentially what my dad has done the whole time military cut with a short hair just because he was like a Vietnam veteran. What does your dad say when he sees your haircut? Oh, no, no, no, I do not know.

I don't think I really don't even think he cares. He's not even cognitive at this point. He's 76 years old. Wow, you don't talk to your dad? No, I talk to him. He just doesn't listen. Jeez, you even sound like a lesbian. That's incredible.

Tell us something interesting about you that we don't know, Dallas. Oh, well, we don't know. I mean, last time I told I was a good cook, which one of these days, I'm going to bring over some food for you and I promise you, you're going to love it, bro. Great. That's great. That's great. Bring over keys.

Great for comedy, by the way. Thank you so much. That's what everyone wants to hear about is the food you're going to make me, Dallas. These people are brain damaged tonight. This is an exciting one. Like nobody gives a fuck that they got called up here. Anything interesting about your life, Dallas, that we don't know about the history of your life?

History of my life? Well, I'm adopted. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's getting more lesbian-y as we go. It's incredible. What age were you adopted at?

A day I was born. My biological mom was a pillhead and cannot tell me who my biological dad is, so I'm like quasi-bastard. Maybe that's why you write like a doctor, because you were supposed to write her fake prescriptions. No, no. First time meeting her when I was 20, 11 years ago and stuff, like she's just like...

Out of all the times this amazing sound effect of sadness has happened, that's my favorite, because he thought John was playing it for a second. I really thought John was playing it. I was like, dude. He did a real turnaround, like, come on, man, but... Well, no, this was the exact conversation I had with Rhonda, my biological mom. I was just like...

Rhonda? Rhonda, yeah. Very lesbian-ish. How many biological mothers did you have, dude? No, Rhonda. Just the one. I got it. Rhonda's a lesbian.

Everything about you is lesbian-y. Rhonda. Okay, go ahead. What did Rhonda tell you? This is exact where she said to me. I was like, hey, who's my dad? She goes, pfft, fuck if I know. Isn't that weird finding out your mom's a slut like that?

Were you like, help me, Rhonda. Help, help, help me, Rhonda. No, no. She was the one asking me for help. She's like, you got $40. I can buy it. I was like, what do you need it for? Tires?

I was like, no. Because I already knew, like, I got, like... I already got pre-registered with my cut, with my brothers and stuff, and they're like, dude, she's going to ask you for money for pills anyway. Wow. Jesus Christ, Dallas. I love it.

This is like more of like a heartfelt comedy show tonight. I know, right? Dallas, what's the most exciting thing about your life right now? What's the most exciting thing? Dude, probably getting the chance to be around such awesome comics here in Austin, Texas, getting a chance.

Oh my God. What is happening here tonight? My back is throbbing from having to carry this show. What is wrong with you people? Just the amazing people. What are you accepting an Academy Award right now? Guys, really, this is one of the best things I've ever been with.

Oh God. Oh my God. You're so amazing, Tony. How many of you want me to murder this man right now on this stage? I love it. I love it. Michael, what are your thoughts on this guy?

Do you have any big plans before you commit your mass shooting? My cop of it. That was John. This is getting tricky over here. It's fun. Who's doing the sound effects? Do you have any plans before your mass shooting? Oh, probably go see Black Widow.

Okay, I love it. What's the craziest crime you've ever committed? What's the worst thing you've ever done in your life? A shot in a cop car when I was 18. How'd you do that? They were arresting someone. They left it open somehow because Louisiana cops, right? And what part of Louisiana are you from?

Northwest, Shreveport, Louisiana. Okay, all right. Jesus Christ. One of the flies from Louisiana followed you out here. Just hit me in the face. No, I'm sorry, man. Sorry about that. This guy's fucking wild.

So you got in the cop car and you just pooped in it? No, we didn't get in the cop car. I just like, they had the door open. They were dealing with something like a half a block up, stupidly left it open. I was drunk and then just shat in it. Jesus Christ. All right.

Dallas Irvin, thanks so much for coming back on. Thank you so much for having me. Dallas Irvin, everybody. Jiminy Crickets. Here. Here you go, Dallas. Here you go, buddy. Take one of those with you.

A little joke book from Adrienne Cabazzo. So you guys have to follow him on Instagram at Bones Eye with a Z. Bones Eye. You know, let's do something fun. Let's pick up the pace here a little bit. You guys want to, you guys want to do something special? One of our regulars is here, ladies and gentlemen.

You know this guy is a joke writing phenom as one of the great roasters of America. Ladies and gentlemen, this is David Lucas. Yeah, what's up? Um, I can tell I'm getting successful because I find white women attractive. But like, if I get a white girl, like I want to date a real white girl,

you know what I mean? Like I don't want to date no white bitch that work at TSA. It's like she got an ankle tattoo and her name is Angel, you know what I mean? Like I want to date like a Taylor Swift white girl. Like I want my white girl to be so white that she hide our relationship

until she eight months pregnant. But I still don't know how to approach white women. Like I'm still, still scared of y'all. Like what do I do? Leave like a trail of king water my dick. And it's so hard, you know, to like discipline a white woman the way you want to because like as soon as you put your hands

around her neck, she turn red. It's like, I can't even poke you in the forehead. You turn purple. Bitch, I'm going to jail. All right, thank y'all. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen, one of our four regulars on this show. Hell yeah, dude.

Welcome back. I'm so glad you're back in town. How are you? I'm good, man. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. I'm out too, bro. You've been doing it.

You've been headlining around the country. Leveled up. Damn right. Doing it. Hundreds and hundreds of tickets sold. Yes, sir. You already know that. That's awesome, man.

Congratulations. Thank you, bro. Absolutely. This is the Kill Tony machine is hard at work. You getting out, people being hungry to see shows right now, and you hungry to perform, and just hungry. What's so funny? You tell me.

When I was at Tacoma this past weekend, when I was on stage after I did a minute, somebody in the audience went meow. Oh, those assholes. Those motherfuckers. Great jokes tonight. I loved your jokes about the white women keeping it secret till they're eight months pregnant.

Yeah. And then they would tell their parents, and then they'd meet you. And they'd go, oh, he's eight months pregnant as well. So that's perfect. It's a match made in heaven. Your girlfriend introduced you to her dad as the gay best friend.

How dare you. Tony, you dress like a gay polo bear today. I don't know what you're talking about. You guys might recognize David Lucas as the broom closet Hans had sex in last week. Your ass dressed like a gay speedboat. I got that stupid ass shirt on, nigga. What?

That is crazy. Do you have dangly earrings on right now? Have you always had that? Nah, this is new. Oh, shit. Look at that. Normally the only things you have hanging off you are your tits. I love it.

Tony, you the only man that celebrates breast cancer awareness month. You celebrate chicken breast awareness month. Is that a thing? You would know if that's a thing. Chicken breast awareness. I'm asking you now. I want a real answer to my question.

Judging by your shirt, you help gay guys pick out their color or their bedroom. I actually do. It's a good way to make extra money. You like a paint sample. You son of a bitch. Bruh, me and you need to go on Rogan together. That'd be fun.

We've already done all of our jokes against each other though. No, every week we find something new. I know. I told someone, because you took last week off, I told, I was telling some of my buddies like, David's going to be back tomorrow. It's always so much fun when we get one week off from one another. We always go extra hard.

Some of these times we hang out again and again. It's not easy. So much sexual tension. That's what it is. Everyone knows David and I want to fuck really, really hard. Or maybe that's definitely not your gay pent up thoughts over here. I mean, I would love to watch behind like a curtain or something. Red Band got pork belly tension.

Did you write that for yourself? Red Band, the Red Band always punches it up. Mike, look at Mike. He dressed like the CEO of White Claw. Yo, what brand of jeans are those? Ten bags of shit and a five pound bike. I got to press fast for it on your voice. Yo, yo, those angry earrings instead of pants, you look like a fucking pawn.

Mike, you got on anti-gravity slippers. Your feet ain't touched the ground all night. Motherfucker, you are the expert in gravity. Oh, shit. I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming. Michael's a counterpuncher. Michael is a counterpuncher.

He gets you. He gets you after you swing big swing and a miss. But that don't excuse that haircut. You look like Forrest Gump after a horse accident. You know, he's right. He's right. And I went and paid for a haircut in Austin and it was $60. So from now on, I do cut my own hair.

Hell yeah. You can tell. That boy got the fate of a raccoon. Michael cuts his own hair. David cuts his own carbs, as you say. And you cut your own ass when you get depressed. Oh, my God. Come on.

That doesn't even make any sense. You know how people cut their wrists when they get depressed? You cut your ass, chief. Oh, my God. I don't know how you found out about that, but that was my little secret. Tony Booty looked like the monster energy sign. Oh, my God. David's booty looks like the monster under your bed.

Motherfucker, son of a bitch. Look like a paint sample. Fuck you, dude. Fuck you. How about that bird joke? Fuck you. After all I've done for you, paint sample. You're out headlining now.

Paint sample. Jesus Christ. But I mean, if anybody knows anything about samples, it's you, right? I mean, you at fucking. This guy, this guy goes to Costco, doesn't spend a penny. He'll borrow your membership just to get in there. You guys have. Oh, you don't have Costco here.

Yeah, we do. Oh, okay. I don't know. H.E.B. Who loves H.E.B., everybody? Hell, yeah. David, this must be excited to be on the stage, especially with Michael Larris, since you'll both be dead in less than a year.

Except when Michael gets buried, he's going to be, he's going to get buried with his feet still attached to him. So that's very exciting. Very exciting. Oh, that's an O1. That means they really think you're going to get diabetes, by the way. That sound, that being that much O and not enough laughter means they really believe that you need to start eating better, David.

We really need you. This is not, this is no jokes anymore. This is, this is an intervention. Yes, yes. We actually brought a few, we brought a vegetable platter for you to begin. Paint sample. Yeah. You were on the road with Brendan Schaub.

Does he like, like, like get on you about that shit? Yeah, yeah, we work. Yeah, because Brendan calls himself a thick boy, but I don't think, I don't think he knew what he was getting into with you. He's like, I have to pay for two seats on this guy's airplane? I could hire two openers for this. Oh, fuck it. I wear, I use one.

God damn it. Son of a. David, you are an absolute monster. I love it when you're in town here in Austin. He hustles back as often as he can. He's here usually three, four Mondays out of the month. It's absolutely incredible. Yes, sir.

You love it here in Austin, right? Absolutely. Ladies and gentlemen, that was David Lucas, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along here. We're having fun. We're having a little reset. A real comedian that knows how to like respond in jokes.

Or just respond at all. And zero inwards. That was all. Oh, that was incredible. David. Yeah, we didn't get to talk about. Oh, that's what you whispered. David, come back up here real quick.

Because there's been a new thing on the show on the, uh, on the. You hear what song he's playing? Oh yeah. You know this shit. Without saying the N word at all. Sing this song. Start it from the beginning. You guys want to hear David sing a fucking song right now?

I thought this was a music city. Do you guys want to hear David sing a song? I'm a real catcher boy. Blame it all on my roots. I showed up in boots and ruined your black tire fair. The last one to know the last one to show. I was the last one you thought you see there. And I saw the surprise in the fear and designs.

When I took his glass of champagne. But I toasted juice and honey, we may be through. But you'll never hear me complain because I got friends. And no, where the whiskey drowns and my blues. Yeah. And I'll be. I'm not big on social. Think I'll slip on down to the Oasis.

So I've got friends in low places. Wow. Wow. Hell yeah. What are you? Low places. Friends in low places. In what?

Low places. Low places. And you have low blood sugar. So that's perfect. One thing I wanted to talk with you about before you go is. The n-word? Yeah, the n-word. YouTube has been demonetizing episodes.

You're one of the only people on the show, believe it or not, that say the n-word. And so we've been having to, we first we were editing the n-words out. And then last week we tried bleeping them 16 times in. In eight minutes. In eight minutes. I almost said the n-word right now. I know.

I know. That's not that bad, bro. By the way, so did I. 16 times in eight minutes. So per 30 seconds. Yeah. Do you notice you do that like every day, like when you're like a, you know, a Jamba Juice?

Yes, I say the n-word to every. Jamba Juice. I mean the peanut butter one. I say the n-word to everybody. Everybody is. Nobody's excluded. You know what? The audience responded to this in a weird way.

So, uh. You brought me up here about n-word usage. They should. Yeah. They're like, what the fuck's wrong with saying the n-word every 30 seconds? I don't get it. What does demonetize mean? I drive all the way from Round Rock to be here

and they're using big words. Demonetize. David, I love you so much. How about one more time for David Lucas, everybody? Back to the bucket we go. Back to the fucking bucket we go. Anything can happen. No one has more fun on Mondays than we do.

Your next comedian is Sonny Carlin. Can we get a little more volume on my mic? I don't know what's going on here. I think it's monitors. Maybe I just can't hear it. Maybe it's monitors. There we go. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. Beautiful. Sonny Carlin, everyone. Here we go. Here comes Sonny. You got to put your hands together for your next comedian. Sonny Carlin.

What's going on, everybody? You guys doing all right? Oh, yeah. Well, my name is Sonny because I've always been that cool white dude who could throw a football really far. But you have no idea if I'm gay or not. And you won't know until my thumb's in your asshole, but by then it's too late.

We're both gay, bro. Might as well let it happen. It's a good time. I am joking. I can't throw a football. Which was a point of contention with my father for a long time because he always wanted a sports star. You know, someone could go to the NFL.

Mostly because he didn't want to pay for college. I found that out recently. But he said whenever I wasn't going to go to college, he was like, Son, if you want things in life, you need to make sure you have a trade. You know? I was like, all right. So I used to trade as things for drugs.

I know. I was surprised he got frustrated at it too. I followed directions. I recently broke up with my girlfriend. You know, it's very sad, very, very sad. I found out something about her that she hasn't really, she wasn't being honest with me about her past. I found out she was, she used to be 14.

Can't be too safe with these allegations nowadays. There you go. Absolutely. Sonny Carlin. Jesus Christ. We're right back to it. Okay. You can go lower.

Sorry to do that. You can go lower on the thing. Yeah. The monitors are feeding. Hi, Sonny. How are you? Hello, Tony. How you been?

Good Lord. How old are you? You could be anything. Look at you. I know, right? Jesus. You look beat to shit. My God.

I appreciate it. It's Christ. Yeah. Like I am 29, but I like to be like act like I'm retired. You're 29? Holy shit. What? Yeah.

Did they like send you to Vietnam or something like that? Like what happened to you? Well, I woke up this morning when I was putting on my outfit. I thought Magnum PI with a ketamine addiction. No, no, no, no, no. I think Big Lebowski with brain damage. Look at that. You're like the fucking medium Lebowski.

Okay. So tell us, Sonny, you live here in Austin? Yes, I do. For how long? On and off for about five years. Where were you from before that? Southeast Texas from Anahuac, Texas. Have you ever heard of it?

Didn't think so. I just didn't really understand what you said. NY? Anahuac. Anahuac? Yeah. It's one of those places we stole from like the Mexicans. Yeah.

You mean Texas? Okay. Yeah. This is Sonny's. Sonny's learnings in American history are a little bit different than other people's. I love it. You think that's where the line was, my friend? Yeah.

That's what we're known for here in Anahuac. I love it. What's it known for? What goes on where you're from? Them not finding out that segregation's over. You think that some of your parents or your parents' parents, do you think there's some inbreeding going on in your family? I see your eyes.

Your eyes are a little bit wobbly. Like they're like swinging. Sometimes you're looking left and right at the same time. You know this, right, Sonny? My nickname in boot camp when I was in the Navy was Googly-eyed fuck. We was? Yeah. That's perfect.

I literally stand at attention and my eyes go two different directions. Yeah, no. They put three fingers behind me. How many fingers am I holding up? I'm like three. I was like, oh, that's an amazing trick. How can you can't do normal tasks? Yeah, gotcha.

Gotcha, okay. You don't need to tell long versions of your own stories like that during this part of the show. I'll get you through this nice and smooth. How do you make money, Sonny? I'm currently unemployed and I sell drugs. Okay, what kind of drugs do you sell? Mostly just the weed or CBD, no, because it's...

Wait, you sell CBD? I have to say that. What, do you hang out at grocery stores and sell this shit? What the fuck? Redbin, no. He was making a horrible, horrible joke about how he sells weed. And he immediately became the last guy

you'd want as your drug dealer. I sell weed or CBD. You fucking pushover. Look at you, Sonny. You do anything for fun? What are you good at? What do you do? You seem like a guy that's good at some side hobbies.

With eyes like yours, I'd imagine you're good at weird shit, right? Oh, yeah, I'm left-handed and I'm also a musician, which that seems pretty interesting, right? What do you do musically? I play guitar, piano, sing, stuff like that. Really? Yeah. What do you sing?

Oh, songs. Oh, really? Really, Sonny? Is that what you sing? Is that what you sing with your fucking heart and your fucking face? Songs. Can you believe this fucking guy?

That's what we think about that, Sonny. What types of music do you sing, Sonny, since I have to spell it out for you? Well, the ones with lyrics, usually. Sonny, if you answer one more of these questions, stop playing sound effects. Stop. Your sound effects help people when they're bombings,

so don't do that right now. Sonny, answer my fucking question, you piece of shit. What type of songs do you sing? No, no, those words aren't the words. What words? You fuck. I fucking hate these people out of the buckets tonight. God, sometimes this happens, these demented nights.

I love the episode, I Hate You. You understand what I'm saying? I'm saying I'm still doing a good job. The band, Michael, Red Band, everybody's doing good. These people are at a good episode, but that doesn't mean you're good at all, in any way, at anything. So I'm going to say, let me spell it out

a different fucking way for you, Sonny. If someone was to describe the type, the brand of music, like the style of song that you fucking sing, you fuck, what would they say? How would they describe it? Go, go, Sonny. There goes Sonny Carlin, everybody. Put the mic in the fucking mic stand.

This fucking retarded idiots, all the way from Iowa or whatever. Jesus fucking Christ tonight. This is a real show. You see the show you're at. Sometimes it's fireworks, sometimes shit gets serious here. This is a real show where anybody can sign up. You understand?

This is proof, proof that none of this is produced, that truly anything can happen. You can tell by people like that coming up here. This guy's funny. I know this is going to be good. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Kiko, everybody. Kiko's here, everyone. God fucking damn it.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for a comedian named Kiko, everybody. All right, I started doing this shit because there's no background checks. I'm really glad that lately I went through the second puberty that men go through at my age with your voice, you know, because until recently I sounded like a pretty assertive lady at the drive-through. Let me get a number four. Man, pull up to the first window. So I pull up to the first window,

so I pull up to the first window, fucking, I'm looking through my purse for the money. They can only see my luxurious hair. They're like, ma'am, ma'am, it's 843. And I look up and she's like, oh, shit. Girl, you need to work on this right here. It's probably pregnancy that got your hormones fucked up. Now, I know that I look like Maui from Moana in my third trimester,

but I'm just a Colombian man out here in these streets. And it's, I've been through a lot. I've seen Menageen during the Narcos time, you know, I've seen a lot of shit, but the worst shit that I've seen is that bear sound right here. What's the worst shit you've seen, Kiko? You want a minute? The worst shit that I've seen growing up

is a Brazilian playing Pablo Escobar on Netflix. We got actors too, fuck that shit. Yeah, Kiko. Absolutely, Kiko. I agree with you. Tony, normally the bear, they can never rebound from the bear. Yeah, that was good. Kiko, welcome back to the show.

Remind us all how long you've been on stand-up. Since March. You started in March? Yeah, March 3rd. That was your first time doing stand-up? Ever in my life. Was that on Kill Tony? No, but I got on one time at Antone, the last Antone show.

Yep, yes it was. I mean, whatever club that was, that's what I meant. No, it's okay. It's okay. I don't mind plugging them. I don't mind it all. I'll mispronounce it next time. We have a special relationship, that place and I.

I mean, they were... Anyway, it doesn't matter. So Kiko, welcome back. What's in the bag today? What do you have in the bag? That's my medicine bag. That's always my medicine bag. Okay, what are we talking about here?

Bloating? You know, I got my trusty Kill Tony book. Hey, welcome to a segment. We call what's in your drug bag? Here we go. We got a Kill Tony joke book. That's the first drug. Hell yeah.

And then I got a little calendar, because I can't bring my phone into this club. I got money. Oh, you do have a little bit there. I got weed. How much weed do you have? Let's see your bag of weed. I want to see how much.

In here, like a quarter? Okay. I don't bring it all out. Okay. Because if I get caught, I could smoke something on the way out. You know, right? Right. Absolutely.

Any other any other drugs in there? No, no, no. That's the only drug I really I'll eat a mushroom every now and then. But but I already had a lot of adrenaline in my life. Okay, I like it. Your eyes got big when you said that. They get big when you do adrenaline or whatever I did. Hell yeah.

I love it. I love it. Kiko, what do you do for a living? I do music. I teach kids music and theater and painting. What type of music do you do for a living? I play Colombian music mostly, but I studied. I don't think that's Colombian.

I studied jazz and I'm a singer in general. And I do whatever kind of gig it is, blues, whatever. You play any instruments or anything? Fuck yeah. Last time I got on, we played some blues. Well, I was listening to him talk about it. The other day, Red Band had a gig where I played the music at the What did you play?

I fucked around with a looper pedal and made up funky stuff. What did we do last time you were on? You played what? I played blues with these guys last time. You played guitar? Yes, sir. This fine gentleman let me use his guitar. Absolutely.

The great Matt Mueling. That worked out. Hey, give it over this band. I'm sorry to. You don't you don't play drums though, right? I'll play a drum. Want me to play a drum? Is that what you?

It's been a long time since we used to do this thing called a Mexican drum off. How do you feel tonight? Michael, are you up to it? I didn't know either, but I'll do it. Okay, Kiko, if you don't play drums, then we're not going to have you play. I'm not the worst thing that ever happened on the ground.

Sounds like you are. Trust me. If you were good at all, you would be saying a whole different thing right now. I'm just no Kiko. What's your love life like? Well, tell us about your love. I want to study girlfriend five years, six years.

We got she got a kid. I got a kid. We all live together. We got animals. Wow. You have your own separate kids. Yeah. Okay.

You have another one on the way clearly. Uh-huh. The third trimester. Absolutely. That thing is plump as shit. When's the last time you visited a doctor? You know, I have a really fucking awesome scar that looks like the apparition of the Virgin Mary's Pussy.

Really? Like right here. For what? I can never show it because it's too ugly for stand up. But for here, it might work. I don't know. You guys want to see this guy's scar or what? All right.

Pull out the scar, Kiko. Oh my God. It even has a clitoris. Oh my God. I didn't realize you could go to the fucking, uh, get an operation done on Elm Street. Jesus Christ. Kiko.

Kiko, what type of scar? They went, they went, oh, shit. They went like that. Kiko, did the surgeon just put a stick of dynamite in your belly button? Yeah. I went and I, uh, and I was like not white or didn't have money at the hospital,

so they didn't give a fuck. That's not how it works, by the way. No, they check off. Not white. Fuck them. No, I don't know. It's not that you weren't white. It's that you didn't have insurance, Kiko.

No, Tony, I'm white. That's what, I'm sorry, sorry to interrupt. That's what happens when you already owe the insurance company money and you show up to the hospital needing something. No, he's right. I'm white and look at me. I'm the picture of health.

He's doing great. He's doing great. That's true. So what did they operate on exactly there? They took my gallbladder out and, and then fucked up the recovery. How did they fuck it up? They didn't give me antibiotics or whatever

the right way. Wow, so it got infected. And so it got infected. They couldn't leave it closed. They had to leave it open. Wow, I'm going to fucking throw up. That's crazy. Just throw up in a funny shape.

That's incredible. That is incredible. Michael, Michael has something he wants to say. I could tell it's going to be really fucking good if we get to hear it. Hey, shut up. He's trying to say shit. No, I, I speak burnout.

I speak burnout so I can translate. What he means is they gave me antibiotics. He drank on them and then they didn't. Is that what happened? No, I was in the hospital. So all I did was vape. Where was this hospital at? Is the Brackenridge hospital downtown?

Awesome. Wow, that happened here in a real city. Yeah. That looks like, that looks like it was done with like rocks or something like that. Like I was guessing like you needed your gallbladder out and you were halfway between here and El Paso and you pulled over and you just did what you had to do

to get it out. That scar is relentless. It's a regular Colombian scar. Pull them out. God, that is incredible. Yeah, I mean, that is what a drug mule looks like. It looks like your parents just filled up your belly with blow and pushed you into the fucker.

You know, my one parent, one parent, fuck you, dad, filled his belly with blow. That's exactly what he did. He got caught at JFK. That happened? Yeah. He put it up his butt or he swallowed it? He swallowed the shit.

Oh, shit. Maybe it was heroin. I don't really know. How long did he get put in jail for? Five years. That's it? He had some in a suitcase and in his fucking stomach. Wow.

Brought the suitcase. Stu's pushing his luck that day, huh? Damn. That's crazy. Defeats the purpose of hiding the shit. Wow. It's fucking dumb. At JFK.

My god. What kind of blow was it? Your head off? It's a JFK joke. I knew it wasn't gonna work. Let's see what he did there. I knew it wasn't gonna work. I'm better than that.

Kiko, I feel like your entire closet is filled with clothes that look exactly like that. Am I right? Yeah. Do you have a closet? You have a bag. I don't have space for a closet where I live. What's your living situation?

I have a house near Zooker Park there. How many people live in this house of yours? Two kids and my girl. Oh, that's it? But I got six animals, seven animals. Wait a second. What? Seven animals?

Yeah, something like that. I got three dogs. Go ahead. Four chickens. You have chickens? I got chickens. Holy shit. I grew up on a farm and I'm gonna move to one I bought in a year.

I like farms. Are they drug chickens? Nah, they're regular, regular chickens. What are the other animals? Three chickens, three dogs? I got a, this monk parrot flew onto my kid's head after the snowpocalypse happened here. And it just went home with us and the park,

and it would just went home with us and it wouldn't fly away. We put it on the windowsill. So it stayed. So now we have a fucking one of these parrots. It's wild out here. How do the dogs react with the parrots running? It's fine now. The parrot is the alpha.

It'll fuck you up. Really? Yeah. Wow. A parrot will rip your face off. Damn. Does it's, do parrots, are parrots the one that say shit or repeat shit back?

They do. He doesn't say that much. Monk parrots talk a very little bit, but. Wow. Has he ever seen your scar? I feel like he'd say something about that. Bullshit, bullshit. He'll try to eat it.

That's bad. That's bad. He tries to eat all the blemishes you have. That shit hurts. I love it. Well, Kiko, you're always fun to have on the show, dude. It's always fun to hear. Thank you.

You can get it from Kiko. You already have a joke book, so we're going to keep it moving along. Word. Let's see if we can get lucky here. All right. Alan Martin. Let's see what happens here with the stylings of Alan Martin.

How many of you like him in comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Just sort of a chill audience. That's kind of 50. He rises again. The Undertaker. Thank you so much. I think there's a star struck by me.

There's what? I think there are a star struck by me. That's true. That's what's happening. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Alan Martin, everybody. Taking a beat. Here he comes. All right.

So one more time for Alan Martin, everyone. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Man, finally made it to Kill Tony. I can't even do my Asian material, man. Fuck. Let's talk about the blacks instead.

Nah, I'm kidding, man. My name's Alan Martin. I've been married for six years. I'm 26 years old. We had our kid two months after meeting on Tinder. So, you know, I fucked up. I don't know. I don't know what else to say.

I fucked up, man. I married a white girl, too, and I'm Mexican. Fuck, man. I thought it'd be fun. But, uh, nah, it's not, man. And the reason I married a white girl is, uh, I wanted to get a taste of white privilege, you know? I wanted to know what it felt like.

But, uh, we fucked up. We gave my kid a Mexican name. His name's Vicente. Vicente Lucio. And my wife takes him to the doctor because I work. You know, I'm Mexican. I work construction. So, I'm never around.

But, uh, it might also be the part that I'm an alcoholic that my wife hates, but I don't care about her. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Alan Martin. Okay. You're up here. Keep that mic in your hand, Alan. I'm going to talk with you for a second here.

I have a few questions for you. How are you? Are you really an alcoholic? Is that true? Yeah, man. How much do you drink? Uh, $750 a day. A what?

A $750 a day. $750 milliliters you're talking about? Okay. I wouldn't have expected you to measure things in milliliters, but all right. I like it. I get it. You didn't seem like a milliliter man to me,

but all right, there's a lot of surprises in today's episode. What do you drink in 750 milliliters of a day? Well, I go with Dewar's. I like Scotch whiskey Dewar's. Sometimes I go with, uh, just the cheap stuff because I'm broke most of the time. Damn.

That's wild. I'm 26 years old. Have you ever tried screwball, peanut butter, whiskey? Uh, yeah, I have. Yeah, it's good stuff. I don't know that brand, the 99 cent brand where you get one shot.

Oh yeah, we don't do the 99 cent brands. It's all right. I'm an alcoholic, what could I say? I love that. And you like sneak it around? Does your wife of six years yell at you about that? Oh yeah, we just got into a fight like last night. How does a fight,

what is a fight like with you and your girl? All right. She's white. You guys have how many kids? We would just have one. I ain't that crazy. Hell yeah. Well, actually, I'm guessing she's not that crazy.

I'm pretty sure it's up to her. But go ahead, tell us what a fight with you and your wife of six years is like. Well, sometimes on the weekends, she goes spend time at her mom's house. Sometimes she what? She goes and spends time at her mom's house. Oh yeah, that's a typical white girl

in a relationship with a Mexican guy thing to do. They go to the lake, they got a lake house, they're retired. Of course, yes, they're white. Yes, I know, they're white. Yes, I understand. I got it. We understand that they're white.

You don't need to keep describing white people. They have two cars. It's crazy, man. It's crazy. It's like the dad doesn't even work anymore. He's like this thing. He used to be like retarded or something. They have DSL?

Every time I ask him what he does, he says he's retarded. I don't know. But yeah, I mean, not because she was supposed to come home on Saturday night, but she didn't come home. Oh, shit. So I called her Saturday morning like, yo, what's up?

Are you coming home? Yeah. And she said, yeah, later. But later turned into four o'clock. And Mexico, U.S. were playing soccer. Right. Because I'm Mexican. I have to watch.

Okay. Mexico and U.S. was playing. So it's basically Christmas for you, right? Oh, yeah. I have my jersey. I was making fajitas, but she didn't know. Wait, wait. I love the way you say it.

I need complete silence when he says this. Say it one more time. What were you making? Fajitas. So obnoxious. That's a rebel. I love it. And how you made a lot of fajita?

Actually, the fajita price went up. It went up, you know, because of COVID. I don't know why, but it went up. White people say fajitas. Fajitas. Mexicans. Turns out this guy only ate one fajita. This guy had one little tortilla.

Una libra. What? Una libra. Una libra? One pound. Oh, one pound. How many milliliters? You're a man of many measurements, my friend.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I love it. I thought you would only measure things in four loco. I'm not 16 anymore, man. That's when I was 16. I love it. That's when you were 16.

That's what got the party. Is that when you started drinking? No, I started with Coke. You started with cocaine? When did you first do cocaine? I don't know if y'all know. There's a flea market called Trader's Village. Okay, how does this lead into the story?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Let's just a little bit more of this. So yeah, what the fuck? Can I get a shot of doers or something? No, no, no, no. Just wait a second. Jesus Christ. Let's do the interview, bro.

My best, my first time on stage, man. It's my second time at a comedy show. This is your first time on stage? Yeah, my second time at a comedy show. Get this man a shot of doers. Get this guy a shot. Alan, you're fucking doing it. All right.

They're getting you a shot of doers and let's talk about it. Yeah, yeah, let's go for it. So the fight. She comes home at basically 4 a.m. Sunday morning. Is that what you're saying? She didn't, I passed out at 4 o'clock on Sunday because I've been drinking since like 8 in the morning. Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

Because I was getting ready. You know, the game was gonna start. So when did you guys fight? She waited for you to... I woke up at 9. 9 a.m. On the bed and I was passed out. I'm pretty sure I pissed myself.

Yep. Yeah. And you just woke up ready to fight, didn't you? No, I woke up. Hey, where the fuck were you? I made fucking fajita. You right. Mexico won the soccer game.

Did they win? Did Mexico win? USA, baby. Oh, wait, you root for USA? Hell yeah, that's what... I love America, man. Hell yeah. I love America.

USA, baby. Welcome to another episode of Shit You Have to Say When You're Married to a White Woman. Hell. No, I love America. Seriously. I mean it. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Jesus Christ, red man. Red man's playing the sound effects tonight like a piano guy fucking multiple fit. You're on fire, dude. All right. So, Alan. Yes, sir.

Then you wake up at 9 a.m., piss all over you. It was 4 p.m. on Sunday, yes, sir, yeah. Jesus Christ, so you slept... Okay. No, I fell asleep at 4 p.m. I woke up at 9 p.m. Okay, so on Saturday night? Sunday.

Sunday, yes, sir, yeah. Jesus. What's the whole point of you telling her to get home if you're just gonna be... Because she hadn't been home all day and I woke up and I just saw her sitting by my kid's crib and I was like, what the fuck are you doing here? Wait, your kid's crib?

You have your own kid that's separate from her? No, no, no, we have the one kid. They were both there. Right, so it's our kid's crib. She was sleeping next to her. He looks white, man. He has curly hair, blue eyes. He don't look shit like me.

So... Okay. I'm happy, though, because he's gonna have, you know... She's next to the crib. Yeah, the kid's gonna be great. Yeah, he's gonna be a badass. Yeah, absolutely. So then what?

How does the fight happen? Did you get your shot yet? Can we just shot a whiskey for my extremely alcoholic, young alcoholic friend? So go ahead, the fight. Tell us about the fight. Yeah, I just... Like, I woke up from, you know, being drunk as fuck

and I was like, who the fuck is this? Like, what the fuck are you doing here? And she was like, this is my house. Wait, you fought with her like you didn't even know who she was? Yeah, because I was just waking up from being... Holy shit, dude. I was like, what the fuck? Holy shit.

I was like... I was like... You're a nightmare, dude. Hey, who the fuck are you, bitch? You're sleeping next to my kid's crib? Yeah. Get your ass up and get out of here. What do you mean I'm covered in peas?

There you go. There's your shot of whiskey. How about I am for the owner of Vulcan Nick, everybody? This guy... This guy used to run a dirty EDM club on 6th Street. Now he's basically the biggest comedy dealer in the world, everyone. Pretty crazy. Pretty crazy how that happens.

All right, so you're like, hey, who are you? Get out of here. Yeah. Then what happens? Well, she said, well, this is my house, too. She's like, I live with you. We have a baby together. There's piss on your pants.

Pretty much. Pretty much. And then what you say? I said, well, wash the sheets. Wash the sheets? That's so bad. Holy shit, dude. Hey, this is what y'all don't know.

White girls are submissive. I don't even know what sounds... Hold on a second. Stop. Goddamn. Well, that's how long it takes for the whiskey to hit, huh? He's like... Jesus Christ.

You still have some fucking in your mouth. No, but that's why I married a white girl. Because Hispanic girls, I've been with Salvadorians, Mexicans. You get angry quick. No, they want to fight. And I don't want to fight. I think you do sort of. Dude, you were just standing up here and you're like,

I'm fucking America one. I love USA. I love America. And then you did a shot and you're like, watch the sheets, bitch. Fuck you. White girls are submissive. But it's true, man.

White girls are submissive compared to who? Why would she marry me if she met me on Tinder? Wow. You can meet a lot of people on Tinder. It's just meeting somebody. That's the first girl I ever met on Tinder. That was my third girlfriend ever. Your third girlfriend?

But you've been with her for six years? Yeah, I married her when I was 20. I'm 26 right now. Wow. Yeah, I see. Like I said, I fucked up, I know. Like I got these girls now on my Instagram, hitting me up. I don't see how Indiana Jones has anything to do with this.

Because what? He's got his last, though. Look at his hand. Oh yeah, no one's paying attention to that. Very good. Jesus Christ. I love it. What do you think is the weirdest thing about you, Alan?

What's the, you know, we find out all this interesting stuff about you piss the bed, all that. But I want to know what you think is something crazy about you. Like what's something you're trying to improve on or hope that you never do again or like a mistake that you've made? I've been free from like doing Coke and stuff like that for five years. Wow.

It's tempting. I show up here and I've met, like I said, from last time that I came, I saw some other people. How do you know you just haven't done Coke and then forgotten about it? Fred Pant, for the love of God. Okay. Um, this guy, here comes a Coke dealer right now, everybody. Just to end the party.

This guy, hell yeah. Modelo. Beer. This is water. Fuck yeah. How racist. A white guy brings you a modelo like that. It's incredible.

Next, he's going to bring up a fajita. All right, Alan. Well, fun times, dude. You know what? Even though it's your first time, I think as far as the first set goes, I think you have a big joke book coming your way, buddy. Congratulations. Hey, if you ever start doing cocaine again,

I want you to start doing it off the back of that book. Okay. There he goes. Alan Martin, everybody. You guys ready to get a female comedian up here? I'm going to pull names until we get a lady out of this. We want to give a shout out to Brody. No, get the fuck out of here.

There's no shout outs, you idiot. Put the mic stand where you found it on that orange X. Be a professional. There you go. There goes Alan Martin, everybody. What did he say? Shout it out. Oh, he's shouted out Brody.

Shout out Brody Stevens. There you go. I love that. The irony is that he's probably going to hang himself one day too. That's just for the podcast listeners, I guess. I was in the hangover. There you go. All right.

Sorry, Ethan. Sorry, Rick. Sorry, Pedro. Sorry, Jason. Nate. It's not going to happen tonight. Sorry to Ray. We're looking for a lady.

Sorry to Earl. Crux. I'm guessing Crux is a man, right? Colin. Jordan. Ben. All right. Jesus Christ.

Thank you, Brody. I'm shitting when they mocked well-brained. Jason. This is incredible. Okay. Okay. Thank you, Brody. Thank you so much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Page. Jonah. Oh, there's another one. Here she is, everybody. Your first female comedian of the night. Make some noise one more time for Jonah Page. Thank you. Hi.

My name's Jonah Page, like Donna with a J. I'm 31. I live in a school bus tiny home. I have three cats, so I'm obviously fucking single. I masturbate a lot. With a vibrator. People usually say that cats are like assholes or like evil or stupid. I don't think so.

I love them. They're my best friends. They're really smart. They know one trick that I've trained them, and that's only to ask for breakfast after I'm done using my vibrator. Just based off the sound alone, they know what's up. They come asking me for kibble in the morning, only when they know that mommy's done.

They don't look at me. They don't touch me. They don't ask me for shit until mom's got her good morning breakfast going on. All right. There you go. There's a new minute from Jonah. Is this your first time on the show? Jonah, you said it was, right?

Okay. This is your first time on the show? Yes, it is. How long have you been on stand up for? This is my first time. Aw, our first time, everybody. How adorable is that? What made you want to do it?

Did someone tell you that you're funny? No bitch. No bitch? What exactly does that mean? What is no bitch in this instance? I want you to explain your context there. A couple people people like that. So that I know exactly how to respond.

You're saying no. No one told you that you're funny? No, a couple people did. A couple friends. Who exactly? I want names. I want names. We're going to do like contact tracing or something like that.

I'm going to call them and I'm going to make sure that they told you that you're funny. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I insulted you. I'm just kidding, Jonah. It's your first time on the show. Everything's fine. So tell us about you. Is your first time doing stand up?

How old are you? What made you want to start now? 31. I don't know. I just... You're like Nikki Glaze Donuts. I don't really know what that means. There's a comedian named Nikki Glazer,

but she takes extremely good care of her body. And whereas you, instead of being Nikki Glazer, you're Nikki Glaze Donuts. So for all the comedy fans, they're like, whoa, and you're like, what? So that's what happened. If you want me to coach you through everything, I will. Okay, yeah, walk me through it.

Thanks. That was painful. God damn. It could be worse. I could have said you just look like regular old Amy Schumer. I mean, if you wanted me to... If you wanted me to be mean, if you wanted me to be mean, that's what I would do.

Bitch. We just... The only thing that we have in common is our adorable little nose. Who are you talking about? Amy Schumer. Does she have a little nose? I don't know. But doesn't her sort of lift up like that?

It's like a pig nose, right? My first boyfriend in high school used to call me ski slope. Still sensitive. He said he could drop in from my nose. And ramp off of it. Okay, I would never... I would never share that story in public again. Janna, what do you do for a living?

What do you do for work? I make beeswax candles. Beeswax candles? Ah, that's adorable. I love that. How long you been making candles for? About six years. Wow, that's cool.

I like it. I love it. That's so cool. Do you have like actual... How do you get beeswax? Do you have bees and shit? Bees and shit. You do?

Yeah. Hell yeah. I would have guessed those are C's, but I guess you have bees. I love it. How long have you been keeping bees for? About six years. Six years. So you just started it all?

You went all in on the beeswax candles? Yeah. You get stung a lot? Other than the last few minutes up here? Fuck you. Incredible, these people. Respect, respect. Yes, I actually got stung by two killer bees once.

It was really crazy. What was that like? What happened there? I didn't cry, which was fucking nuts. But I got stung like under my bra. It was really fucking painful. I hadn't run in a long time since high school, but I ran the fuck out of there.

You didn't have to tell us you haven't ran since high school. We know, Johnna. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you called me a bitch. And when I was a little kid, I was molested by someone that kept calling me a bitch. So that's my excuse for why I get to make fun of people that when they call me a bitch, like freak out.

Just kidding. Just kidding, Johnna. What do you do for fun? Mostly come here. Yeah, you come to kill Tony? Yeah. That's nice. What else?

What else do you do for fun? Other than black guys. Oh, wow. I'm just guessing. I don't know. I'm just guessing. Taking a chance. Why did I do this?

Just checking with John Dees for my usual head shake. No. Hey. But seriously. But seriously. What do you do for fun? I work, hang out with friends, do comedy, hang out with my cats. It's about it.

That's it. How many cats do you have? Three. Three cats. Wow. And a school bus, tiny home. What's that? And a school bus, tiny home.

It really is like a school bus? Yeah. Do you have a bathroom on the school bus? So like a shower and everything? I do have an outdoor shower. I have an indoor shower, a bath. I have a compost toilet. Okay.

You ever just use the litter box? No, it's a smart thing. All those cats running around. I bet once in a while. You know, I fucking should have during that winter storm. But yeah. Now they have their own litter box. I have mine.

Wow. Wow. Are they older cats? No, they're like seven. Always healthy, strong cats? They have some fucking drama, honestly. Really? Drama?

Hell yeah. Yeah. So there's four scary pussies running around that house. Yep. Incredible. The first bit? Michael Lair. I'm going to...

Yeah. When me and Zach Bogus moved to Austin, our first man here, we were at a hotel. And John and two other girls came by and I'm like, cool fuckfest. And nothing. Wow. You didn't...

You didn't even get to hit that? No, not one of the three pussies in the room. Damn. Sorry to disappoint you. John, why didn't you hook up with Michael? You have a boyfriend? I don't know. I thought I was a good patriot.

No, I don't have a boyfriend. Okay, no boyfriend. You're a bad patron. Uh-oh. Michael says you're a bad patriot. You ever been to a broom closet with a guy in a wheelchair before? I'm only fucking nostrils. What the fuck?

Only fucker in what? Wow. Nostrils? Oh, I got it. It's no callback. You fucking need this. It's okay. It's okay.

John, what is your love life like? You're single. You're dating. You're out there getting laid. It's pretty stagnant. It's pretty stagnant. When's the last time you had sex with a human being? A few weeks ago.

A few weeks? Well, who was the guy a few weeks ago? A friend. Tell us more. Is it a friend with benefits? Like a guy that you hook up with regularly? Sort of. Okay, this is fun.

This is like I'll just keep asking tons of questions until I find out what I want. Is that guy homeless? Oh, Dee's. You might be right about this. He said it sounds like this guy's married. Is that true? Someone say that he's not married. He's just vegan.

It's a little embarrassing. He's a vegan? Wow. Geez. What's the sex like? If he's vegan, I'm guessing he doesn't go down on you. No, he does. Wow.

He goes down there. He's like, ew, there's beef everywhere. Beef? I thought we were going with fish. I thought that was what that was about. Geez. No, no. I'm saying that your pussies flopped down everywhere.

Wow. It's pretty. The joke wasn't about the smell. It's about the visual, Johnna. Do you have an extended labia? Stop. You can't ask them like that, red band. It's disgusting.

Ask the man with a pink microphone. What the fuck? Johnna, don't. Don't try to make a, do you have an extended labia? I'll ask like this. Do you have a, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I don't really care. I don't really care. Wow. So the guy from a few weeks, you have a, when's the last time you hooked up with somebody other than this friend with benefits? Is there, do you like have hookups? Because I'm trying to figure out why Michael didn't get laid.

How many of you think she should have sex with Michael Lair? God damn it, no. Let's go to the broom closet. My girlfriend is here. His girlfriend's here. I'm just kidding. And I'll be having sex with Hans in the broom closet. All right.

Don't let me get in the way. I'm sorry. Johnna, you have any special skills or talents? So you're like, if this was a talent show, can you do like a magic trick, anything? Like, are you good at anything? Music or singing or anything like that? You have any special talent?

I used to teach pole fitness. I used to teach pole dancing. Yeah. What type of pole? I'm so confused. Like, what does that mean? Big one. Yeah.

Oh, like a strip club. Wow. Yeah. She's definitely into cherry pie. I know that. Whatever. I'm going on a fucking diet tomorrow. What the fuck?

Tomorrow. All right. This is what happens. You get a real reality check up here. This is how it works out. I do. I mean, it's been nice. You're a big fan of the show.

You say that you come here all the time. Huge fan. Did you expect that it was going to end up this way? Do you feel like this? Yeah, I knew it wasn't going to be good. But like, what were some things you were hoping for? I don't know. I guess just, I don't know.

This, I guess I'm a masochist. So like, get my ass kicked. It's nice, I don't know. I've been having fun. All right. I see people do this every week. I'll tell you this, is that, you know, just like, just like the last guy coming up here

and having the balls to do this and to sign up, especially after watching a lot of show like you have. It takes an incredible amount of courage. Red Band, I got it. You don't get to fucking decide who gets what joke book. You doofus. He's going to go up to her later. Well, she could sell that to buy eyebrows.

Did you see Ian, Tony, the big joke book? There you go. Here you go. Here's some more pig skin for you to take with you. That's a handmade leather joke book from Boneside. No. Thank you. No.

Red Band. Red Band. How about one more time for John, everybody? There she goes. Jesus Christ. This is one of the wackiest episodes we've had in a while. Yeah. I don't know.

We started sort of late. Should we, you guys think we should go to the bucket one more time real quick? And then. Why? Yeah. Maybe you're right. You know what?

Let's skip it. Let's close out the show with one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. The longest standing regular in the history of Kiltoni. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Oh, shit. A new minute every week.

The man is a monster. This is William Montgomery. A week into COVID and I'm still here, baby. So I've started inserting Mickey Mouse into famous movie roles. Like when Mickey Mouse got divorced and then dressed up like a British nanny to get closer to his kids and the Minnie Mouse found out. It sounds like Biden is about to start forcing people

to get vaccinated. Asians and whites are getting vaccinated and nearly double that of Hispanics and blacks. I think we should start sending the army in to start putting the non-vaccinated in jail, starting with those communities. We definitely shouldn't let the unvaccinated into movie theaters.

Or let them vote. Or date my daughter. At the very least, we should make the unvaccinated sit at the back of the bus. Alrighty. Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery. Every single week. I thought that Mickey Mouse was going to be better.

I think it was great. I was a fucking nightmare. I just got high as shit up there. I'm totally on edge right now. You got stoned before this? I did. I smacked out of a one-hitter. Oh, really? Yeah.

I see you wrote your jokes on a paper plate tonight. First time we've seen this. Did you get that off your buddy David Lucas before you got on stage? I did. I ran out of my note cards. Okay. So I improvised.

I'm also selling this for $200 after the show. Case anybody wants it? $200 fucking dollars. My goodness, William Montgomery. Always a monster. So much fun. Here's what the fuck was that? What the set?

I was trying to the Mickey Mouse when I thought that was going to be better. It really wasn't the. Let me see this thing. Let me see this. The other one is kind of racist. I thought that was going to go better. It really didn't.

I don't know what the fuck happened. He really has really nice handwriting. You really write it out. Like a little Asian girl. A week into COVID and I'm still here, baby. So I've started. I've started inserting Mickey Mouse into famous movie roles. Like when Mickey Mouse got divorced

and then dressed up like a British nanny to get closer to his kids. And then Mickey Mouse found out. It sounds like Biden is about to start forcing people to get vaccinated. Asians and whites are getting vaccinated. Nearly double that of Hispanics and blacks. This is incredible.

Did you do all of this? I did. I let them vote or date my deotter. You have really nice handwriting. It is incredible. This is your handwriting. No, I actually got someone in the bathroom to write it out for me.

I don't really know how to fucking write. If you believe that, then really tell these people that you don't know how to write. No, I mean, seriously, I don't know how to fucking write. I tried to fucking learn when I was like five. I couldn't do it and I still don't fucking do it. I recommend you not doing that though. My life's a fucking nightmare.

You need to learn how to write. Because I swear to God, I've made life so much harder on myself. Seriously, it is so fucking hard. I lead the worst fucking life because I never learned how to fucking read. Seriously, I want to jump off a fucking bridge most days. I don't know how to fucking read. I don't know how to fucking write.

My life is upside down now. Literally, it's upside down. I can't go to the grocery store. That didn't make sense. The grocery store didn't. Who can go to the grocery store? Because I can see the food. Yeah, we all know you can go to the grocery store.

What are some other ways we're not knowing how to read or write affects you though? Let's just keep this momentum going. I mean, try playing Monopoly if you don't know how to fucking read or write. It's like it's in Chinese. Wait, wait, what about the Chinese? Easy, guys.

What did you say? I said it's like I'm reading Chinese because it might as well be Chinese. I know what that's like. I should have read my tweets from a couple months ago. What else? I don't know. I've run out of stuff.

This is incredible. This is our first time finding out that William doesn't know how to read or write, looking at the very curious look on Red Band Space. No, it seems like you have less eyebrows every week. They're falling out. Yeah, it really is an interesting thing. I haven't noticed that about you.

They walk out my fucking drains. You look, you're starting to look like Robocop when it comes to the eyebrow. Shut the fuck up, Red Band. Shut the fuck up. Is this something? That was a little mean. Shut the fuck up.

You're supposed to have fucking fun up here tonight. We fucking talked about a last night piece of shit and they fucking say that. Please, Red Band, stop. Is the eyebrow thing something that you've noticed? Yeah, I notice it every time I look at myself in the fucking mirror. Have you thought about it?

I don't have fucking eyebrows anymore. William, have you thought about drawing some in? What the fuck are y'all doing playing that song? God, just stop. Is there a girl out there that has an eyebrow pen that's willing to help out William with some new eyebrows? I know all you, literally every woman in the room has like an eyebrow pen in their purse.

Like, you're not fooling me. I'm sorry, these are real. You fucking liars. Is there any Latina women in the room? You have an eyebrow pen? Those are terrible. I can't hear her. I can't hear her.

She's like, I lift it in the restroom. How about any of these hoes over here? You guys have an eyebrow pen? Hans Kim is fucking everybody and I can't get my goddamn eyebrows done. Holy shit. Oh my god. Holy shit.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Hey, wait, wait. Hey, wait, we have a sharpie. We're not doing that. Ladies. Is there anybody that has a fucking eyebrow thing? God damn.

Is somebody who's got an eyebrow thing? You have an eyebrow, how many you think Michael Layers should paint the eyebrows on William Montgomery? Come on, somebody else has something, right? Do we have anything other than a sharpie? There's got to be a fucking... I'll let Michael because he's about to die.

No, come on, William. I'm kidding. We're friends. We're totally kidding. Will you do it for him? Here, you face here. Oh, okay, perfect. Here, you stand in front of the keyboard as William.

You face her. There you go. We're going to get some eyebrows on here. This is going to be very exciting. We have the great... We have the great... Oh, look at this guy. Look at that pretty guy, man.

The crowd... I'm going to learn how to fucking read now. I'm going to learn how to read. Now that he has eyebrows, he's going to learn how to read everybody. How do I look? How am I looking? How am I looking, y'all?

He looks pretty. You look ridiculous. I love it. Please do your eyebrows like that all the time. Oh, my God. Okay. No, William, seriously, that makes you look really good. He looks like...

Cool, thank you. Lucifer himself. This is exactly what the fucking devil looks like. Like, when you just go down to hell and I'm fucking standing right there. When murders die, this is what they see. They see that face just going, You're dead, bitch.

Yeah, I've been waiting for you. You've done it for you. I've been waiting on you. I've been waiting on you. It's the devil, everybody. Hey, can you give us all a wink with your new eyebrows? Oh, he's got the new... Oh, the famous William Montgomery winks.

We haven't seen this in a while. This is where he picks audience members to wink at. Hey, this guy over here wants one, William. This guy right here. Give him one right over there, hell, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, that's William Montgomery, everybody. And this has been another episode of Kill Tony. We did it again.

The great William Montgomery doing shows, going on tour. Very, very, very special episode for me getting to hang out with one of my best friends of all time and one of my favorite people in this show's history. How loud can this place get for the great Michael Lair, everybody? That's a standing ovation out there. Everything Michael Lair can be found

at MichaelLairComedy.com. The great Ryan Jebel drew tonight's episode. That's what that looks like. It's all Michael Lair. Yeah, it's literally only Michael Lair featured on this one. That makes it an extra special piece. All those prints, including the new Kill Tony bingo cards that are available, RyanJebel.com.

Again, Michael Lair, one of the great artists of Kill Tony's entire history. Michael, is there anything you'd like to say or anything like that? William looks like Santa Claus transitioning. Anything else? Anything about the episode or the show? No, I want to go home. Okay, MichaelLairComedy.com.

How loud can this place get for the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band, everybody? Shout-outs to the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, Austin Reserve, by Revolution Spirits, Cantina Cantina, CM Smokehouse, Crown Royal, and Adrian Cavazos over at Bones Eye.

So much fucking fun tonight. A lot of fucking ups and downs and swerves and lefts and rights. But we had fun. This is home here in Austin, Texas. And we love being here with you every Monday. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

We love you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.