KILL TONY - #519 - BRIAN HOLTZMAN

Episode Date: August 20, 2021

Brian Holtzman, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, David Lucas, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/09/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shop squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at shop squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for TonyHinchCliff.

Austin, Texas. It's Monday night. You guys got to get louder than that. We're about to do this shit here. Fuck yeah. Brian Red Band's here, everybody. Hey, everybody. Guys, how about a hand for the goddamn Kill Tony Band? Am I right? These Austin musicians simply do not fuck around. They are the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony Band. Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Fucking Whiskey.

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Again, as always, I mentioned, if I ever find out that anybody ever went to any other strip club in the city, you're no longer allowed to come to the show. Something to keep in mind. The great Adrian Cavazos made custom-made joke books for us. You can follow him on Instagram at Bones Eye. We're all stuffed up from delicious food thanks to CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres. And I'm excited. Our friend who is the barbecue master of Austin, Texas, Yoni, is back, everybody. He had the coronavirus.

Thank fucking God. Where the fuck's Yoni at? Look at this guy right here. He's back. He had it bad, too. Turns out eating barbecue three times a day isn't the best versus the coronavirus. He lost 10 pounds. He did.

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That's ridge.com slash kiltony and use the code kiltony all one word for your discount. Again, 10% off today, ridge.com slash kiltony. Austin owned. And Austin groaned. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? How about one more time for this band? Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great Matt Mueling on guitar. And after taking his two weeks off, filled with antibodies to the gale, fresh off the coronavirus,

D-Madness is back. He is back. And I heard a rumor that he can see now. He got the coronavirus and he can see it's the craziest thing. So we're going to have fun here tonight. The great Ryan J. E. Belt is drawing tonight's episode live from Los Angeles. He's watching the live stream, drawing it live. All the merch, all the t-shirts, including the new Kiltony bingo cards available, RyanJBelt.com. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Every single week we have one of the greatest comedians in the world as our guest. This week is no different. This man, this man in this great country that we live in.

Talk about being able to fucking utilize your position. A man that understands the freedom of speech. A man that pushes it to the limit. This guy closed out the main room of the comedy store for decades. This is the closer of the comedy store. He moved here to Austin, Texas to be able to perform like a free artist. Here, he lives here now. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guest. If you don't know him, you're about to fucking know. The great, the powerful, the one, the only.

Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen. Yes! This is your favorite comedian's favorite comedian. Yeah! Dr. Brian Holtzman is here. Your favorite comedian's favorite comedian, Brian Holtzman, everybody. I love this doctor getup. I had no idea you were going to do this. I'm not a doctor, but I am vaccinating women only in the back of my pickup after the show. I am doing my part to stop the spread of venereal diseases as we know it.

Holtzman, we're going to have so much fun. Always a little legendary guest on the show. You guys know how it works. This bucket here is filled with comedians' names. Over 100 comedians scattered way back. Comedians only make some noise back there. Over 100 comedians signed up on their way in for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket, performed 60 seconds, uninterrupted on this stage,

and then get interviewed by this illustrious panel afterwards. You guys know the 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means, wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear everybody. Give them that kitten one more time just so they know what that sounds like without the jungle bird interrupting through. Literally less than no reason whatsoever. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? I'm going to say it again, Austin.

You just simply, I don't think you understand how we do this on Mondays. You have to make more noise than that. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? There you go. That's what I need. This is Monday. Before we go to the bucket though, why don't we do something fucking fun? We have a regular on this show who got made a regular just a couple months ago.

Here in Austin, Texas, this is the first regular appointed here in Austin. He's been absolutely destroying every single week. This is the future of Kill Tony and the present. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute by the great Hans Kim, everybody. Hey, what's up guys? I'm Asian. I love being Asian because whenever someone is racist to me, I'm like, oh, you hate respectful people who key to themselves. Okay, good luck finding an affordable car.

Most people who are racist have no idea that they're racist. Like this guy came up to me and he was like, dude, I was like, just because I look like this doesn't mean I speak your Qingchong language. Don't be racist and the post office is right there. A lot of people ask me why Asian people eat dogs. A lot of people here at the Vulcan and upper management have asked me. The reason why we eat dogs is because they have bigger dicks than us. They can see peripherally and they're better at driving than us.

We eat them to consume their powers. Hans Kim does it again. Another killer brand new minute from Hans Kim. Unbelievable. Holtsman, is this your first time seeing Hans Kim? No, they all look alike to me. I could have seen him a million times back in the war. What knows, motherfucker?

I do not endorse any of the things Brian's saying right now. These are all independent contractors I have on the show. I was going to complain about all those Asian stereotypes you said during that set, because I have to. You said Qingchong at one point. I think that guy's still mad at me. Hans, you're an absolute killer every single week, a brand new minute. How's this week gone for you?

What have you been doing? It's been good. I went camping in Owl Creek Park in Texas. Okay. I've never heard of a lot of Asian campers before. What do you do? You just go out there and sit in your Honda or something like that? He has a van, remember?

My van. That's our national anthem. What kind of van do you have? I have a Sprinter van. I had sex with two ladies in there. This week? No, just lifetime. Okay.

Ladies with dicks. Look out. For those of you who don't know, my van is also Hans's aunt's name. What else did you do? What was camping? Do you see any wild animals or anything like that? We saw a lot of meth heads. You could see that right around the corner here.

I don't know why you went all the way to fucking wherever, but... I got a lot of those here. We went intertubing. I went with a female who would not touch me. See, it's so interesting because it seems like to me, you know, Hans is an innocent young man. But meanwhile, every single week here, you've been a fucking ballin' out. For those of you that don't know, the last few weeks, at some point during this interview process, a beautiful girl has come on stage and really, really intensely made out with Hans Kim.

It's been, what, three weeks in a row or four? Something like that, yeah. It's been three? It's been three weeks. It's been three weeks in a row. A lot of my closest advisors have said that maybe we shouldn't keep going with it, but you know what, I don't listen to any of my advisors at all. So, I don't know.

It's a little bit earlier in the show, but I figured I'd give it a shot. Is there a beautiful lady out there that wants to come down here and make out with Hans Kim? Come up here and make out with Hans Kim? I mean, there's always a beautiful Kill Tony fan out there, and they always, really, they shove their tongue deep in his mouth. There's gotta be somebody. It's always worth the wait when I try this. It's always the anticipation really builds.

Maybe they're up there. Maybe they're down here. Maybe who knows? There's gotta be somebody, though. It always works out. How many of you think a beautiful girl should come up here and make out with Hans Kim? This guy went in or two, babe. Or a guy.

Or a guy. Okay, guy. Come on. There's gotta be a beautiful girl out there. Okay, let's go downwards. Maybe a not-so-beautiful girl. How about if you're feeling a little less confident tonight? Maybe you can come up.

Can we get a drum roll or something? Come on. Come on. Someone's gotta come down here. I can feel it. Hold on. What's this? Oh, that's one of the guys.

Okay. The whole staff's just walking around right now. Might just be one of those off weeks. Fuck that. You guys think it's an off week this week? And you better, what do you fans better tell your hot girlfriend to come up here and make out with Hans Kim? Is there someone? What are you pointing at, lady?

Are you just pointing at random girls? You're pointing at this fucking Christian mingle over here? There's no way this fucking church going bitch is coming up here. How about from the yellow rows or the red rows? Anybody up there? Cody, send one of these girls down here. Come on, come give Hans Kim a fucking kiss. What's going on?

Are you guys calling me ugly? What the fuck? This usually works. Jesus, what the fuck is happening? Come on, they'll give you Kaylee's hundred bucks. Kaylee left early tonight. Jesus Christ. So will somebody come make out with fucking Hans Kim?

What are you idiots doing? A bunch of fucking dumb prudes in the audience tonight. Thank you, God. Jesus Christ, almighty. Hans Kim, for those of you that don't know, he also had sex with a girl in a broom closet here at Vulcan. Two weeks ago, everybody, right after the show. Thank you. Hans, who is the girl that you went camping with?

She was a local comedian. She didn't do anything with you. She's not here, but she had plenty of chances on the camping trip. Wait, I think there's a girl coming up. Hold on a second, are we about to make kills? Wait, there's two of them! Oh shit! Yeah!

Oh my God. Wait, what about that one? Yes! Yes! Holtzman giving girls highlighters, trying to get part of the action here. Wow! How about me too, me too, please. Ladies, ladies.

Kiss me, kiss me too, please. Say it into the microphone, what are your names? Jennifer. Jennifer and? I'm Stormy. Stormy, everybody. How about that, hell yeah. Stormy just made out with tsunami over here.

I love it. My fucking goodness. And you ladies work at the Yellow Rose? I'm telling you, best fucking strip club. They even have a sense of humor over there. I love it. Fuck yeah. Look at Hans just trying to fucking speed date as fast as he can.

So what do you do? Where are you from? What are your hobbies? What do you like to do? What's your favorite place to eat? Want to go there? Want to go there? You like vans?

You like vans, huh? I know a broom closet. Yeah, I bet. Hell yeah. What would you ladies do with a guy like Hans Kim if you had him alone in his van in the back of the van? What would be your first move? Read? Yeah.

We would read. Oh, okay. I guess you'd have to learn how to do that first. How about Stormy? Stormy, what would be your first move with Hans? Maybe some private dances, something fun. Oh, shit. Look at that, Hans.

I think tonight might be... Oh, look at that little celebratory dance. That confirms it. He's Asian, everybody. Ladies, I love that you came down here. Thank you so much for making out with my friend. These are the lovely ladies of the Yellow Rose. Shit.

Wait, are you going in for another one, Hans? This is one of Hans' greatest tricks, is going in for a second make-up. Little pat on the back there for the road, I guess. Little good luck. Guys, give it up for the Yellow and the Red Rose. Come on. It's unbelievable. Our most loyal fucking local sponsor since day one.

God, how hot were those ladies? It's unbelievable. I mean, that place, it's a no-brainer to go there. And I'm sure Hans is going to show up there real soon. Hans, did you have fun tonight? I had a blast. God, how hot! These experiences here on Kill Tony, how do you describe this new life of yours?

I would describe it as, like, exhilarating and sexually liberating. Absolutely, I love it. He's wise with his words in another killer minute. Ladies and gentlemen, to start the show, how about Hans Kim, everybody, huh? And now we go to this bucket. Check this shit out. Names, people. Holtzman giving his presents.

Oh, yeah, Holtzman always brings presents. What did he give Hans? A yellow highlighter and a mask and a Holtzman sticker and a little microphone keychain. Holtzman's the only guest that ever brings gifts for the comedians. It's very cool. All right, I'm pulling a name out of the bucket. This shit gets crazy. I don't know any of these people.

Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds uninterrupted. And then an interview with Paxton Schlitz, everyone, or Schiltz. Paxton Schiltz is the first bucket pull here on Kill Tony, live from Austin, Texas. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Where the fuck is Paxton Schiltz? Here he comes. Okay.

Here we go. Come on down. He was upstairs. He might have a smoker on our hands. All right, here we go. One more time for Paxton Schiltz, everybody. Fuck me. Frustrated.

Jesus can help. Have you guys seen those signs? I am super curious. Does that apply to all types of frustration? Like sexual? Like, can I get a fucking handy from the Lord? You know what I'm saying? You know, like, can you imagine the fucking rosary beads on the shaft rolling?

Fuck, dude. I'm sure I'd be a lot less frustrated. If I could get a little Jesus handjob, you know what I'm saying? Uh, so I rode here from San Jose, California, the Bay Area. Came on a motorcycle, so I had to be pretty judicious with my packing choices and stuff. I don't know if you guys have heard about a flashlight. It is one of the most disgusting items that has ever existed, but I did bring it with me.

Okay, I guess he's done, Paxton. Closing on a setup about a flashlight. Hell yeah, I spent about 45 seconds talking about God during that, which is incredible because it appears to me that he hates you. Grab that microphone, Paxton. I've always wanted to talk to the Sun from Pawn Stars, so I'm really excited about those. I'm always watching you argue with your dad, try to barter for a better deal, and now I finally get to meet you.

Hell yeah. Where'd you say you came from? Canada? What'd you say? San Jose, California. San Jose. How long have you been here in Austin? This is my first time on stage. I got to Austin yesterday. Fuck yeah, man. Welcome, welcome. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up for?

This is your first time ever on any stage. Ever. Wow, how about a hand for Paxton, everybody? Chasing his dreams. Hold on, wait on the g... Oh, it was a fist bump. And also, I put my name in and got pulled first, so that's pretty fucking... That's destiny. We call it the bucket of destiny. It reaches out there for the people that need it the most.

Because Jesus doesn't love me, right? I love it. You've been in Austin 24 hours. You've already got yourself a bolo tie. I made this, actually. Wow, you a little artist? How do you do that? I make jewelry to my dad as a jewelry metalsmithing professor at San Jose State. You really are the Pond Stars kid, aren't you? Right, yeah.

Jesus Christ. I can test any piece of gold that anyone has, you know, what kind of carrots you're working with. Oh, shit. Fuck yeah. I like your style, man. What a con artist you must be, huh? I love it. So that's what you've done for a living up until this point? No, it's more like a side hustle kind of thing. Wow, that's why you talk about Jesus so much.

Yeah. Oh, I know he's got rough hands, you know. Absolutely. So what kind of carpentine? Is that what you're going to do in Austin? No, so the whole inspiration for the trip was, I'm on disability, I screwed my back up. So as long as I'm getting money from the government, I'm going to go chase a dream, you know.

Okay, hopefully they're not watching this show, but okay. How'd you screw your back up? No particular injury, just a lifelong, like I played ice hockey and then skateboarding, fell on the train tracks once when I was drunk. Oh, I remember you playing. You were the goalie on the Mighty Ducks, right? Yeah.

No, it didn't even look like you. I get the goalie from there and the big green guy can do sometimes. It's the average white guy face effect. Absolutely, 100%. Are you planning to cut your hair while you're here in Austin? No, I was going to grow it out. I shaved like half of it off right here to be edgy, you know. Yeah, really worth.

Very edgy. It's always great. Super edgy on a super round guy, nothing better than adding some edges. Yeah, working on it. Take a little bit off this fucking circle. I love it. What do you do for fun, Paxton?

What do you do at nighttime? What's a guy like you? What's the nightlife of Paxton Schiltz like? I smoke a lot of weed. Okay. All right. Okay, what else? What do you do after you smoke the weed?

Well, in San Jose, I'd hang out with my friends and, like, you know, do coke and... Oh, okay. All right, look at that. That's how you hurt your back, leaning over all the time. I love that. It's incredible. How long have you been doing cocaine for?

One of the chubbiest coke heads I've ever seen in my life, by the way. It's incredible. Obviously, you're smoking more weed than cocaine. Oh, that's for damn sure. Or he's mixing butter with it or something. Yeah. I did make edibles earlier today. Yeah.

Are you sure it's not cake batter you're snorting? I wouldn't be opposed. I bet. I love it. So what do you do after you smoke weed and do cocaine? Then what do you do? You just sit around with your buddies in, like, one of their garages or something, drinking fucking PBR or something like that?

I mean, in a nutshell, I guess, you know, there's movies sometimes. Oh, okay. Nothing better than a bunch of blow and watching a movie with pals. You know what I mean? That's what I like to do. Well, if I was a skinny, good-looking guy,

I probably would have better things to say, you know? No, no, that's not true at all. No, if you had more charisma, you'd have better things to say. It has nothing to do with your weight whatsoever. What's your love life like, Paxton? I'm actually in the middle of getting divorced right now. Oh, shit.

Okay. All right, how long? Shocker. Shocker. Who would have thought that? Oh, yeah. Somebody's tired of fucking you, I guess. I love it.

How long were you with her for? Eight years. Eight years. How old are you? 27. 27. You got married at 19? No, I got...

Well, I won't even married for three years, but we were together since I was 19, yes. Oh, my God. Wow. What does she do? She's had a bunch of jobs. Mainly in the social care kind of thing. She was like an adoption coordinator for a while.

Special needs adult, maybe? Yeah. I wear a vest most of the time. I love it. So you're getting this divorce. Are you sad about it at all, or is this like a good thing for you? You're finding freedom.

Yeah, it's fairly amicable, because I think getting together at 19, we kind of merged into this one kind of amalgam of each other. Does she smoke and do cocaine and drink? Oh, yeah. Yeah, for show. Oh, okay. Hi, honey.

I'm home. I got a hard day. What's the most interesting thing about your entire life, Paxton? What would we be shocked to find out about you? Any fun for you? Ever accomplish anything crazy? Ever win an award or anything like that?

I did. I woofed. You know what that is? You what? Worldwide opportunities on organic farms. What the fuck does that mean exactly? Explain yourself. Nobody knows what that means.

In the world, nobody. Even the guy that runs that doesn't know exactly what that means. What is it? Explain it. So it is just that. It is worldwide opportunities on organic farms. So what did you do? I went to Ireland and worked on organic farms,

and then I went to the UK also. I spent about six months backpacking around Europe on organic farms and stuff. Wait, what? Who gives a shit? He fucking asked. You ever think that walking around the UK for six months with a backpack on

may have caused some of the back problems that you have? There's a lot of bad decisions leading up to this point. Paxton, your first time ever doing stand-up, we popped a lot of cherries here, and... And you know what? You're going to get one of the small Kill Tony joke books, too. There you go.

Congratulations. Welcome. Paxton Schiltz became a comedian right in front of your eyes, everybody. He moved here yesterday. How cool is that? And let me tell you something. In San Jose, shows like this are not happening.

California is shut down as fuck. Red Band and I fled that scene to be able to come here and do shows like this, be able to see your beautiful fucking unvaccinated faces. You know what I mean? I'm vaccinated. I'm vaccinated. There's no trophy case in that motherfucker's house.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Your next comedian goes by the name of Gabs Bickford. I believe it's Gabs G-A-B-Z Bickford. Am I saying that right? Bad handwriting on this one. We're going to see what happens here. Here he comes. All right.

We got it. It's Gabs Bickford. All right, how y'all doing? Y'all doing well? It's weird, man. I'm from here. I'm from Austin. The influx of people are stressing a lot of people out.

A lot of people moving here. My uncle's getting nervous. He thinks he's going to lose his job, man. I was talking to him the other day. He was like, Gabe, these fucking Californians are moving here. They're going to steal my job. I was like, Uncle Jeff, I don't think that anyone is moving here from California to drive a forklift, you know?

I don't think that anyone's moving from Los Angeles to Leander for landscaping. We're going to be okay. I was watching Family Feud the other day. Family Feud's a weird show. All it is is people saying the most sexual answers to the most banal questions, you know? Like, I was watching this episode and Steve Harvey was like,

name something orange. And this lady was like, boop, orange dildo, Steve. Like, the fuck did you just say? Orange dildo. You didn't go to Orange or Carrot first. You went to dildo? That was the first thing. They should just rename that show to

Horny Midwestern Wives Will Say Anything. Because that's just essentially what it is. All right, that's my time. Thanks a lot, everyone. Wow, this guy. Hell, yeah. Very aware on his time. You knew that that was exactly a minute.

Yes, sir, yes, sir. Hell, yes. Your name's Gabe? Yeah, Gabe, sorry. It's very illegible. I get that comment a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Thanks, man. Thanks, I appreciate it. Looks like you let D-Madness sign your name for you tonight. You seem like a smart guy. Why is your handwriting so bad? I don't know. Actually, don't they say that people with poor handwriting have high intelligence?

Oh, thanks, sir. That's true. Oh, really? I'm just saying that to seem smart. Yeah, you're right. The smart guy usually has like the messy room and they're almost a hoarder type thing. You're just explaining my life, man.

It's just a shame. I wish I could tell my mom that, dude. You live with your parents still? Yes, unfortunately. Okay, how old are you? I'm 20. 20? Yeah, yeah.

I love it. 20 years old. Born and raised here in Austin. You do? Yeah, you have the big black X on your hand? Yeah. Look at you. I'm not in a hardcore band.

I just can't drink yet, you know? Fuck yeah. All right. Okay. We got some hardcore fans here. Cool. What do you look like without the glasses just for a second? Oh, look at that.

Wow. That is a whole different vibe. You ever think about getting the surgery or contacts or something? No, I don't want to dig my finger into my eye, honestly. You're in real good shape, huh? No, but thanks. I appreciate it. Hell yeah.

Obviously, you don't want to dig your finger into a pussy either. Because you're not getting laid. Fuck, man. You're not getting laid wearing those glasses, my friend. What's your love life like? Have you ever brought a girl back to your parents' place yet? No, just the car. You know how it is.

The car? What kind of car do you have? 2015 Hyundai Elantra. A Hyundai Elantra? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Much like the glasses. It's holding you back.

I love it. Can you just turn around? I just want to see the back. Very decent, real good shape. Yeah, those are some fucking, those are some baggy jeans you got on, Gabe. You let your mom pick the, does your mom pick out your clothes for you? No, she picked the high water ones, you know. All right, so when's the last time you got laid in this Elantra of yours?

Have you had sex or just a little bit of a... I'm kind of offended. You seem like the kind of guy that'll come if he grabs the girl's butt. Fuck, no, last time I had sex in my Elantra, shit, it was like a month ago. Oh, okay, who was this girl? A girl. Yeah, where'd you meet her at? She, I just met her.

I'm from here, so I run... This is nerve wracking, all right? Your parents, your parents watch the show or something? What are you so nervous about? You're Tony Hinchcliffe. Okay, all right, that makes it weird when you say it like that. All right, I'm sorry, fuck, my bad. So you're not in a relationship right now?

No, sir, I'm not, no, my bad. So who was this girl? Where'd you meet this girl at? We were just, I just knew her from school and you know, I ran into her at a gas station and you know how it goes. Okay. Not at the gas station, I don't know if I made that clear, but somewhere else. You met her at the gas station?

Oh, no, it was just like a serendipitous thing, like I was like, hey, what's up, how you been? Got to talking. Okay, all right. My truck has a campus show. Oh shit, look out. Got it, sick. I love it.

So Gabe, you're 20 years old, how do you make money? I used to work in an Amazon warehouse until recently and now I just do DoorDash. Okay, all right, absolutely. So you do everything in that launcher. You make love, you make money. Multi-purpose vehicle, man, multi-purpose vehicle. I love it.

And how long have you been on stand-up? This is month number two. Yeah, two months now. Month number two. Okay. Thanks. How's it been going for you? You like it? Yeah, it's really fun. I like doing it.

I love it. What else do you do? Anything else artistic or for fun? I watch a lot of movies and read a bunch of books. Okay. So do I. All right. Other than watching movies and reading books, like you do anything like you ever go out with your buddies

and do anything? No, not really. I'm more of a homebody. Really? Yeah, yeah. You tick-tock? No, I don't, unfortunately. You live with your mom and your dad or just your mom? My mom and my dad.

Okay, what do they do? My dad is a financial advisor and my mom, she's a teaching assistant out of preschool. Okay. Yeah. All right. Is your mom hot? I plead the fifth, man. I think that means she is.

Yeah. Do your friends tell you that your mom's hot? No. Never? They never mention that once? They're never like, dude, Gabe, your mom's sort of... No, never. Really? I just respect my mom.

What's your dad like? My dad? I've been told he looks a lot like me, so... Gabe, what's the craziest? So what would we be shocked to find out about you? You ever commit a crime or anything like that? Oh. No, you don't have to do that.

These people that I pull out of the bucket are very easily distracted, Brian. It doesn't really work that great for podcasting. Yeah, yeah. The craziest thing I've ever done? Yeah, like something we'd be surprised to know about you. You seem like, you know, this is like the Clark Kent version of Clark Kent.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, it's like, you're like... You're like, if Clark Kent was Superman, but like, you're like that Clark Kent. Like, the more boring version. Yeah, I went to Hans's. He has like a heckle mic at the Roma Room, and I think he called me.

He said I look like Discount Clark Kent or something like that. Okay, okay. I liked my version better, but I'm going to stick with the question here. Oh, the most... What would we be shocked to find out about you? What's something that, you know, doesn't match your look?

Like... I'm very boring. I don't know. I'm half Brazilian. I don't know if that's interesting. Let me ask you this. Have you ever gotten in? You've lived with your parents now for 20 years.

So you ever gotten in? What's the most trouble you've ever gotten in at home? Oh, shit. Come on. You know what it is, dude. I don't know. You know, like, sneaking girls in and stuff. You did?

You snuck a girl in? Multiple times, yeah. Like, I'm supposed to know that game? Are you fucking kidding? Oh, yeah, multiple. What am I, a pussy? Where do you sneak? Do you sneak up through a window, a back door?

What's the... The door. The front door? No, no, the back door. The back door. Okay, yeah. You like that fucking butthole, dude. I like that.

Have you had butt sex yet with a girl? No, I don't know. Have you done anything with a butthole ever? A pinky finger, an indexing finger, anything? No, no. A tongue? You ever... You eat girls out when you hang out with them?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, you do, huh? Yes, sir. But a finger's never grazed a butthole or anything like that? I don't know. I guess it's just not interesting to me. I don't know.

What's the most... This is a question I've never asked in eight years of doing this show, but what's the most fingers you've ever put inside of a girl at once? Oh! This is... This is actually a pretty pertinent question. I was gonna say, I feel like if anybody knows the answer to this, it's you. I feel like...

Waltz, man. I don't know, like, the most I've ever done was like, I don't know, three? Yeah, that's... Wow! Three, the old fucking... The old temple of doom over here. The old fucking... The old fucking Illuminati sign right there.

It always creates a triangle. I love it. You fucking remember exactly. Why did you say it's pretty pertinent? Like, you got excited when I asked that. I was having a conversation with this with my friend the other day. Yeah? What was the conversation?

We were just talking about, like, the optimal number, really. The optimal number. Yeah. But he's such a still, like... He's a young boy that lives with his parents, that him and his buddy are like, Yeah, the more fingers, the better, dude. They must love that shit, dude.

I bet they'll really love it if you put four in there. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever done the hitchhiker thing? You know, you put a... You're blowing my mind. What is that? Oh, God. Anything's gonna blow this guy's mind.

The hitchhiker. You have any special tricks that you do in the bedroom? No, just show up, man. Come on, come on. Show up. Oh, don't do that. Don't ask for more, you son of a bitch. Come on, there must be something.

You ever have anything crazy happen in the bedroom, or as you call it, the Elantra? I call it the back seat. Oh, no, man, no. Come on. Something you ever come really quickly? You seem like you would blast off in a heartbeat. I mean, like...

Yeah, I mean... That was an accurate, like, guess. That's probably it. That's probably the most interesting thing, just... You know what I mean? Oh, my bad, sorry. Yeah. Quick to apologize, right?

Yep, that's it. Do you recover quickly? Are you ready to go another round after that? Because you also seem like the kind of guy that could probably come, like, six times in an hour. Yeah, I'm a... I'm really sorry, but guess what? I'm still hard, so...

Yeah, I got... I have unlimited ammo. Tell us about that. What's up? Tell us about that. Oh, my God. Yeah. Holy shit.

This is getting so weird. Yeah. Well, fuck. I just agree with you, Mr. Tony. I agree with what you said. What was the question I'm getting so distracted? Do you ever feel that thing in the girl that feels like cauliflower?

Stop it, Red Band. Red Band, that's enough, Red Band. Gabe, did you have fun up here tonight? Oh, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. Gabe Bick for it, everybody. Hey, Gabe, get over here. Get over here.

You get a big joke book thanks to Bones Eye, a mask, a small key chain, a highlighter, and a Brian Holtzman sticker. Hey, don't you want a delicious crowned royal? You know what? I do. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at Vulcan? I'm gonna have a crowned royal in Coca-Cola.

Use that can Coke for me if you got one back there, please, for the love of God. Vulcan Gas Company. Oh, you fancy. The drinks here are amazing. I love this place. You guys having fun out there? All right, back to the bucket.

We go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is Zach Gullman. Zach Gullman is next on Kill Tony. Oh, shit. Hell, yeah. That's a nice shirt he's wearing. Perfect. Hey, guys.

I did the gayest thing I've ever done in my life last week. I fucked a girl named Brett. It doesn't sound that bad until you start going, oh, Brett, I love the way you suck my dick. I want to come all over your face, Brett. I want to go back in time and I want to find the guy who coined the phrase beggars can't be choosers and show them bumble.

Don't get me wrong. I'm one of those beggars. Speaking of that, I jerk off a lot. Anybody here ever heard of jerk-off encouragement? All right, so what it is, it's a porn you watch where the girl pretends that she's into watching you stroke your dick. She's not.

But I found out completely on accident the other day that I was into this, which I guess happens with most fetishes, but there's not a definitive moment where I found out that I like watching a girl take two dicks in her ass. I was jerking off and I heard the girl outside playing with her dog and she said, come, boy, come.

I did. Thank you. Absolutely. Zach Galman. Welcome, welcome to the show. Representing Rock and the Dead Air. Brian Holtzman, sure. What are the odds of that?

Were you wearing that here tonight, regardless? I wanted a doorman. Oh, oh, you're a doorman here. Yeah. Oh, I love that. Okay. Awesome. How long have you worked here?

About two and a half, three weeks. I just moved down about three weeks ago. Oh, sweet. From Columbus. From Columbus, Ohio. Fuck yeah. Look at that. Welcome, welcome.

Thank you. Are you already in love with Austin? Besides the driving. Yeah. It's, this is the worst driving I've ever seen in my life. The worst driving. Yeah. Yeah.

It really is. Traffic? It really is. No, just driving. Oh, yeah. Bad drivers. Right. And how it's set up.

It really is. It's absolutely horrible. And that's just Hans Kim. It really is crazy. I've talked about it a few times since we moved here. It is nuts, but they don't like to hear about it. And all of them are like, what the fuck you talking about? You should get out of here.

It's a fucking demolition. I don't think I've seen anybody take less than five seconds to make a right turn. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. And it's set up. Sorry guys. On a fucking, on a green arrow, by the way.

I literally, it literally happened today. I love it. So welcome. What were you doing in Columbus, Ohio for a living? Were you a door guy there? No, I was a strength coach. A strength coach. Wow.

How strong are you? Pretty strong. Really? I've competed internationally for a strong man. You know what? How many times do you think you could lift a little person up in the air? Cody, you want to come down here for us? Come on down.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the general manager of the Yellow Rose. Cody, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe do that one. Yeah.

That one. Just hit it. Here he is, everybody. It's Cody. Cody's the man. This guy. Cody, face the audience and you, you lift him up like that. Okay.

You want to do one arm? He's, he's a strength coach, Cody. I would trust him. Cody's a little bit, wait, not like that. Not like that. No. Cody refuses. You got to go like that.

Yeah. Yeah. He's bigger than him. Two, three, four. By the way, Cody has a very low center of gravity. Oh. So, Cody, that we've ever had try to lift Cody. They think it's going to be a fucking walk in the park.

And then I just watched a vein explode on the top of your head. He's heavier than he looks. Doesn't he? Oh, yeah. He's dense. Hold on. Wait. Good.

Put the microphone in front of him. Okay. So, I had to skip a week last week because we did this and I literally had titty marks on my ass from sitting on the titty. Cody's the motherfucking man. Man, look at you dressed to the fucking nines. I love it. I love it.

Holtzman loves his haircut. Absolutely. It's easy to see. That's for sure. Yeah. That is an actual Cody-sized microphone you gave him. That's actually a normal-sized microphone. To everyone else, it's a miniature key chain.

On him, it looks like the Bob Barker microphone. That thing looks fucking huge in his hand. I love it. Cody, how have things been down at the Yellow Rose? Busy as always. Can't complain. Besides the COVID stuff, but we're all having a- Hell, yeah.

Not only do you not have to wear a mask at the Yellow Rose, you don't even have to wear pants at the Yellow Rose. A little fun fact. I'm just kidding. You have to wear pants. No comment. No comment. Anything crazy happened with any of the girls since the last time we saw you?

Drama or anything fun or anything crazy? Not really, but I mean, I wait in our Husky to come. If he comes to see me, who knows. Husky? Husky. Oh, Hans Kim? Absolutely. Yeah, Husky comes to see me then.

That's a game changer right there. Nobody got in trouble for touching something they shouldn't touch. I see his Volkswagen van in the back. I love it. And those two girls that were up earlier, they work at the Yellow Rose. Yes, sir. So they're under your fucking, they're under your tutelage, right? They're fucking-

Something like that. You're the boss, man. One of them. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Have you had to fire strippers before? All the time. Yeah.

How does that go? Stripper and fire me. Cody, look, I promise you, the yeast infection will be gone by next week. I mean, it usually don't work like that. I just have to catch you in the action. And I mean, that's where it goes, you know, like, it all depends on what you do and how I'm going to come at you. Right.

Yeah. Okay. You'd be surprised. You talk about cock-blocking? You wouldn't cock-block a customer, would you? If I'm getting a handjob at the Yellow Rose, I don't want you- No, no, no, no. ...peaking in the curtain, telling them to stop.

We don't do that. Let us finish the handjob, bud. That's how he got the job is the G.E.M. When the guys get out of control. I mean, when these guys get horny, you know what I mean? That's why they send him in. He's the fucking top boner killer in all of Austin, Texas. It's nothing like that.

I'm a cock-blocker. Nothing like that. This guy will get you soft in a heartbeat. This motherfucker just coming up to you. Hey, what are you doing? Cody, you're the fucking man. We love your spirit. Yellow Rose, red Rose, as you know, is one of the backbones to the show.

Hell yeah. Thank you, Cody. Come on, make some noise for fucking Cody, everybody. This is just the kind of goddamn rodeo we have going on here at Austin, Texas, kill Tony. So, Zach Galman, what else do you do? What do you do for fun? So, last 12 years, I was a highly competitive strongman. I competed internationally.

I was a national champion two years ago. And I'm also a writer for a couple websites. By the way, that is how heavy Cody actually is. What this guy lacks in height he makes up for in straight up weight. He's like a lead weight. You're a professional, a national competitor, and you can only lift him six times. It happened a few weeks ago. We had David Lucas try to lift him.

He's like, fuck this shit. I got this shit. And he made it up to his stomach and dropped him like a bowling ball. It was incredible. Zach, that's so interesting. Do strong men have special moves in the bedroom? Do you do things with girls? Attempted murder?

Throw them around? Yeah, domestic violence? It's really just hoping their legs can fit around my hips. Say that again? When they are on top, if their hips aren't wide enough, I have wide hips. I get a lot of complaints that their hips hurt afterwards. Not complaints, but... Their hips hurt.

Okay. Alright. Not to neglect the balls. Have you ever used your strength to like... Oh yeah, I pick them up. Have you ever used your strength to like save anyone's life or anything like that? Has it ever come in handy and like, you know... Not my strength, but I was a medic in the army for five years.

Oh, wow. Where'd you serve at? I was stationed for Bragg, I was on Iraq from 0304. Iraq in 0304, an American hero. Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service, my friend. A real Buckeye, a real fucking American hero. Is Ohio where you were born and raised?

No, I grew up in New Jersey. Then after the army, a lot of my friends were from Ohio in the army. So I went to Ohio State. Yeah, awesome. I love it, man. Go Buckeyes and... That's our fight song from the great state of Ohio. I know you Texans don't know anything about Ohio State

or winning in college football, so... I have to explain these things to you. Sometimes you sons of fucking bitches. Hang them horns. Hang them horns. I mean, hold on. Yeah, you guys go do your thing, right? Isn't this it?

I'm going to give you a big hug. I'm going to give you a big joke, but thanks so much for coming by. That's that Coleman, everybody. All right, it's time to do something special. You guys want something special? This is another one of the regulars here at Kill Tony. I think here at Kill Tony,

being a regular on this show, I like to believe is like the new SNL. I mean, these are the monsters of the future being molded here. You saw Hans Kim earlier. He's the newest one. This guy's been around for a couple years. He's one of your favorites. Famous for his incredible joke writing and unbelievable rose skills. This is David Lucas, everybody. Yeah, what's up, y'all? What's up?

I might be weird because I like my pussy to have a little odor when I eat it. I don't like girls that come to my bed smelling like flowers and all that fantasy bullshit, you know what I'm saying? Like, if your pussy is clean, go run some stairs then let me eat it. I got a pretty... I got an equal opportunity dick. My dick respects any pronoun that you go by as long as you got factory parts.

I ain't trying to fuck no bitch with no aftermarket body kit. Factory parts only. The great David Lucas, everybody. The one and the only. Absolute monster. It's been out headlining all over the road selling fucking hard tickets. I love it. How's it going, David? How are you tonight?

I'm good, bro. You look like a gay Johnny Depp. Oh, come on. Come on. Did you give him that? They were trying to figure out what the fuck you look like all night, nigga. You son of a bitch. You look like you're about to be me, too, by some booty cheeks. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That's crazy. Well, yeah, bro. I love it. Is that Dennis Rodman on your shirt? Yup. You're fat. How y'all let that bullshit work? I got a $12,000 residual check from writing on the Comedy Central roast today, and you know what I'm taking the day off, you know what I'm saying?

I'm deciding to enjoy it. I got fucking James Franco roast money today. God damn, boy. Yeah, it's crazy, right? No, it's a residuals. It's a different thing. Yeah, that roast was five years ago. Speaking of a guy that thinks about roasts from five years ago, how are you, David?

Take the day off my ass. Yeah, god damn right. I might be dressed for the ranch, but you're dressed for blue cheese, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You from the land down under and we ain't talking about Australia, motherfucker. Gay kangaroo herder. You're fucking blood sugars from the land down under.

You got that brown bandana because that's the color of your sheets after you fuck. The only sheets you fuck on are sheets of American cheese. Craft singles. You look like you let your boyfriend put cigarettes out on your ass cheek. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Not an ass tray.

Not an ass tray. Okay. Okay. Sons of bitches. God damn right. What else you got? Let's go. Unbelievable. I've never seen Dennis Rodman look more disappointed in my life than right now on that shirt.

I can only imagine how Clint Eastwood filled with that bullshit, you know. No. Go ahead. Did I mention how fat you are yet? Is it all doing any of this? The only reason you want to get shot in the ass is so you can lay on your stomach. Why would I... Why would I want to get shot in my ass?

Like Forrest Gump. Oh, okay. Looked like something got up and bit me. You've watched Forrest Gump? I thought you'd turn it off at the part where he starts running. Yeah, this is unbelievable. I can't... This is a fiction.

If you were at Forrest Gump, they'd call it Forrest Hump. I love it. You should go around humping everything. I love it. We could remake it. You'd be like Bubba if he only ate the shrimp that he... Grilled shrimp, boiled shrimp, boiled shrimp, shrimp cocktail, shrimp... Oh, boy.

You Jenny Daddy. Wait, I don't even know what the fuck that means. Another Forrest Gump reference. Oh, okay. Jenny's Daddy. Okay. Alright. Sometimes Jenny's Daddy got a little too friendly and was touching on her.

Hey, I'll take that roast joke. At least I'm straight in that roast joke. Even though I'm a pedophile, I'll take it. I love it. I mean, look at you. Look how big you are at the top and small at the bottom. You're built like a Miami apartment building. I love this.

It's incredible. You're about to topple over. You built like a tampon. That is not true. I do not even have a string coming out of my head. There go the string right there right up there. I love it. David, what else has been going on in life?

We've been doing a lot of fishing, man. With my buddy Nate. We've been bass fishing out here in Texas. Okay. Yeah, yeah. He's out there somewhere. You go out on a boat and you do that? I go out on whatever catch the fish.

Wow. You go out on a boat and you end up fucking knee high. Just fly fish. And this is why that shit sinks. Red Band got something to say. Let him say. No, he did go on a boat. He went out on a submarine.

Only submarine you want is a sandwich. I don't know why you do this to yourself. I'm trying to give it to you. No, I don't want it. I don't want it. Yeah. I have a nice turkey with some vegetables. It's actually healthy.

It's only six weight watcher points. A submarine sandwich? Red Band dressed like he going to a redneck gender reveal. Holy shit. Wait a second. Is that a necklace you have on that fucking thick neck of yours? Look at that thing. Jealous?

Oh my God. You're wearing a fucking choker over here. Oh my God. Look at that thing. If you laugh too hard, that's going to pop everywhere. Look at that fucking thing. Jesus Christ. Can you breathe with that fucking thing on?

I'm straight. Oh my God. I don't think you're... I would describe you as round, not straight, but... When did you get that necklace? That's new, huh? See, I don't know. Okay.

All right. I got it. I love it. That is a fucking tight chain. Look at that. I'll let you borrow it. Wait, did that pop off one of the bicycles you tried to ride? Isn't that uncomfortable though?

It really does look like it's choking you. No, it's good, bro. It's fashion. Look at this fashion. It looks tight fashion. That's the game. You know about tight, don't you? Yeah, I'm dating an Asian girl.

No, this one. This one. Sorry, that was not... You're talking about me and booty holes or something? Yeah. Okay, yeah, exactly. You know about tight... When you fart, it sounds like a dog whistle.

It does. It does. Actually, I have such a tiny butt that when I fart, it doesn't even make a noise. It's super silent. It's embarrassing. Jesus. My farts are more silent than Kamala Harris on the border situations. Those of you wondering...

Complete silence. Complete silence. You should do that on purpose. Meanwhile, the Rio Grande River looks like fucking Barton Springs on a Saturday afternoon. That's an immigration joke. Oh, it is. David, you are unbelievably talented. Every single week we go back and forth, and you're a fucking monster.

We love you so much. Be sure to check him out when he's in town. He's doing shows everywhere. He's headlining all around the world. There goes David Lucas. All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? Sweet.

All right, CJ Landry is next. CJ Landry. Live. Kill Tony Austin. We know CJ. He's from Los Angeles. Here he is. Come on.

Make some noise for the great CJ Landry. How y'all feeling tonight, huh? Feeling good? Hell yeah. Yeah, man. I'm happy to be here, dude. I'm happy to be here. I moved across country recently, and you learn a lot about yourself,

and you make a big move like that, you know? Like, I didn't realize how broke I was until I tried to fit everything I owned in the back of my Honda Civic, and it all fit. I was like, God damn, I shouldn't be able to move my seat back right now. You know what I mean? This is bad. I'm tired of looking broke too, man. Every time I walk into a restaurant, they immediately assume I work for DoorDash,

which I mean, I do, but I'm like, God damn, like, how are they guessing this shit so fast, dude? This is insulting. I'm on a date. This is bad. I was doing everything for money last year. I was living in Los Angeles. I was actually Ubering during the pandemic.

I was Ubering during the protests. I was Ubering people to the protests. Yeah, they were, like, putting their signs up at the back of my car and shit. This one girl got in my car. She goes, this country needs to fucking burn. This is the start of a revolution. I'm like, how are you going to Uber to the revolution? How are you going to use my broke ass to get to the revolution?

Like, thank you. CJ Landry. This guy's a real fucking comedian. We know CJ from Los Angeles. I see this guy all over the road when I'm out there. That's right. Last time I saw you was in Miami. We were out there together.

What's the name of your crew again? You guys are the dope city comedy tour. Dope city comedy tour. And let me tell you something. You guys were really doing it out there this whole time. Yeah, we really were, man. It was nuts. Yeah, we were mostly Arizona, Florida, and Texas.

But that's pretty much the only ones that were open. Let me tell you guys something. A lot of comedians, if you know any comedians that were into not doing shows during this or saying that doing shows is wrong because fucking, you know, you shouldn't have people gathered in a place. Those comedians suck and 100% of the time, they cannot sell tickets to a show. So they're rationalizing.

They're not working on a fucking global pandemic. Hell, yeah. D-Madness is going to take a hot piss right now, everybody. I love it. He's about to... No D-Madness. This is the bucket with the names in it. Don't pee in there.

So CJ, tell us about... You've been on this show back in Los Angeles. You haven't been on since then. It's been years since we've seen you. Yeah, been a couple of years, dude. Tell us, catch us up on anything interesting about it. Yeah, well, last time I was on, I was talking about how it was a sperm donor, which is true. I was a sperm donor.

It's a pretty tough process. I had to do... I did that before Corona, and then I just like... I was working at that studio out there in LA. And then that closed down during COVID. And then moved back to Louisiana, back home for a little bit. And then when I hit the road, once everything... Once like other clubs started to open up, I just started getting out there.

But yeah, man, LA was rough during the pandemic. I just tried to live through it. I was like Ubering for rent and everything. Do you live out here now? Yeah, I'm living out here now. Just moved out here last week. Yeah, CJ. What do you love about Austin?

You fall in love with anything yet? Not really, dude. I don't really like this place. I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm not a big fan. What do you not like about it? I get booze and cheers. It's a pretty dumb thing to say, but we'll follow through.

We'll try to... People are cheering for a little bit. We'll try to rebuild momentum. What do you not like about it? I think it's just so food-based. I don't think there's much else to do. I like the nature, though. That's one thing.

I do like the nature here. It's kind of packed, though. You can't really go to it, because there's just no parking. There's a lot of places you haven't seen yet. That's true. I did just move here, so maybe I'm just selling the store. What area did you move to? I'm living in...

I'm staying at a friend's house, Barton Hills. It's in Barton Hills. Barton Hills? Yeah, I know that! It's pretty nice. It's pretty nice by Zelker. I don't know. It's all right.

Okay. That's a pretty nice area, though, right? Yeah, it's pretty nice. It's not my place. I'm just staying at a friend's place. I'm trying to find my own place right now, but... You have some money saved up or what? Yeah, I'm trying to save up some more money.

Okay. Yeah, I do some editing gigs whenever I'm now on the road and shit, so I'm just editing them for comics and shit like that. All right. Are you feeling crazy when you guys were out on the road? Oh, man, a lot of shit, dude. I mean, it's like... It kind of all blends together.

It's pretty nuts, but... We went to this one lady's place. She was supposed to give us cocaine, right? And, yeah, she ended up having her kids there, which we did not expect. Oh, shit. It was pretty fucked up. That's always weird doing blow off of power wheels and shit like that.

It was just some lady at the show and she's like, yeah, I got DMT, too, if y'all want to do DMT. And so I fucking tried DMT and I ended up falling asleep on her kids' laundry. It was pretty... Damn. Yeah, it was pretty weird. I woke up and just on Spider-Man underwear. It was just not...

It was a bad night, you know? Yeah. Did she make you breakfast like Cheerios and applesauce or something? Dude, it was insane. They had one guy in the other room. He was breaking down crack to cocaine. It was... I don't know, dude, apparently you can do that.

Apparently you can break it down. So he had no teeth, but... I'll tell you what, CJ, you absolutely killed tonight. I'll thank you. I appreciate that. Even though I know you probably don't need it, I'm going to give you a big Kill Tony jokebook. Look how fucking cool that is.

Hey, CJ, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you can. Hell yeah, man. Thank you so much. Look at that. Just got another gig out of it. Now he's got a fucking real stand-up comedy gig on Thursday. The type of magic that happens here on Kill Tony. How about one more time for a real comedian, CJ Landry, everybody?

Way to go, CJ. Way to go, buddy. Every once in a while, a real fucking comedy veteran will just come in and flex for a minute. All right. Your next comedian is Joe McNamara. Here we go. Let's see what happens next. Anything can happen.

This is Kill Tony, Austin, Texas. Come on, everybody. One more time for Joe McNamara. I'm half German and half Jewish. My mother is Jewish and my father of German descent. I want it to be known on record, though, the only time I've ever made this motion is as a young child trying to light the menorah. Yeah. I love living in Austin.

I moved out here for comedy, but also for friends and family. One thing I will say is I've been having a lot of bisexual experiences. Last night, beautiful woman in my bedroom. As soon as things get sexual, she says bye. She left. She really did. And I was really upset. So this morning I called the one person I think I could help me, my uncle. I called my uncle because he's the best person to tell his daughter to stop being such a prude.

That joke does even better in Arkansas, trust me. Fuck yeah. Thank you. That was Joe McNamara. Welcome to the show. Joe's your first time here, right? First time. How long have you been on stand-up for?

About five months now. Okay, awesome. And how long has it been since you graduated from being a Slytherin at Hogwarts? I'm actually... Thanks, Tony. I'm working on my PhD there, so I haven't quite yet graduated. Wait, I remember. I remember.

You want to be a dentist. You're from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, right? I couldn't get books, so I'm trying to get some dentist gigs now. You got me there. I love it. What are you getting your PhD in? Spellcasting. What?

Spellcasting? Just some wizard shit. Oh, no, I'm asking in real life. No, no PhD. Oh, what do you do? I sell cybersecurity remotely from my... Wow. There's no joke to that.

That doesn't seem secure at all. No, no. Not at all. They sent me to Vegas this last week, and the whole time I was there, I'm like, holy shit. I cannot believe Malfoy from Harry Potter sells cybersecurity. Yeah. That joke would have done better if I didn't make it two minutes ago. Yeah, right.

A bad guy from Karate Kid. Yeah, that's another one. See, I've been getting that since I moved out here, and I like that one better. Yeah, that one's much better. That guy probably has sex sometimes. Yeah. How about you? Do you have sex sometimes?

Sometimes. Not recently. I have a fun fact about me, though. Yeah? I know you're probably going to ask. What is it? I've never shared it, but I figured this would be a great time, too, if I ever got on stage. I'm actually...

You're Anderson Cooper's gay son. Yeah. No, I'm kidding. I'm sorry. I had to sneak another one in there. That's fair. I feel like David Lucas got the best of me earlier, so I'm overcompensating right now. That's a good credit.

You're just a fun-looking guy to make fun of. Very rarely do we have real fucking Nazis up here. You know what I mean? This is the last thing a lot of people saw when walking in the fucking Auschwitz. That's fair. Hey, man, the Holocaust was like a family reunion for my ancestors. My dad's side was winning, though. Gotcha.

Okay, Joe, what was the fun fact you were going to say earlier? Oh, well, it kind of burned me down. You hurt my feelings there, Tony. But no, I'm actually the only one in my family who hasn't had sex in a broom closet. What the fuck? What do you mean? What are you talking about? I was just building off a Hans Kim right there.

Don't do that. We don't do jokes here, Joe. There's no jokes. That's true. Tell us an actual fun fact about you. Now that you've built up the suspense, what would we be surprised to know about you? Any special skills or talents or anything? I used to be quite the skateboarder.

It's too hot in Texas, though. Also, I graduated from college recently. Was that Tony Hoff? No, no, no, no. He's just hitting random fucking buttons over here. But go ahead, tell us more about you. I graduated college back in December. Where at?

San Marcos, 30 minutes south of here. In Texas State. What did you graduate with? Not spellcasting, management degree. Management degree. Are you going to use that for anything? What do you think about this guy? Brian Holtzman is the first time we've had Joe McNamara on this show.

What do you think about this guy? Joe, are they real blue eyes? No, I wear blue contacts simply for the German Jewish joke. I think he's fucking with me. I am, Mr. Brian Holtzman. Do you keep anything in that cute little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles front pocket you got there in your t-shirt? No, no. I got this shirt yesterday, though, at the Austin t-shirt convention.

There was a t-shirt convention yesterday? Damn, really? I'm not good at wearing clothes, but my roommate's really good at it. And we went to the t-shirt convention. I'm not a stylish dude. What's your tattoo on the inside of your arm there? A paw print of my dog, Pippi. Oh, Pippi?

Oh, my God. Just when I think you can't get any whiter, you have a dog named Pippi, everybody. I have a tattoo of my LinkedIn URL on this side. Is that true? No, no. I was just trying to whiten it up. Another one of those wacky jokes. How long have you had your dog's paw print on your inner arm?

I have a joke about it, but I'm going to tell the total regular story. Okay, perfect. He was an awesome dog. I was in a tough spot, had the dog. I'm like, man, I'm going to get a tattoo of his paw print. I did. Did the dog pass away? No, he didn't.

He's two years old. He's the fucking shit. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with you? How else am I supposed to meet women? I mean, come on now. When did you get the tattoo? I want to say about a year ago.

Yeah, pretty much a year ago. What kind of dog is this? Like half husky, half lab, I really couldn't tell you. He fell into my hands on accident. How did he fall in your hands on accident? So that's not the literal terminology of what happened. I was originally getting the dog for a friend. I fell in love with it.

And it was a rescue dog. My aunt was a vet. It was like 10 puppies. It was Mount Nerd's mother. Your aunt was a vet? Veterinarian. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, I know, Brian. I'm trying my best here. I'm awake. I'm awake. I'm trying my best. So you were going to give the dog to a friend, and you decided to keep it. Yes.

And now you still have it? Yeah, absolutely. It lives with you? Absolutely. You and your roommate? Yeah, I've done stand-up comedy with it at Zilcher Park. Okay. And Hans Kim's Van.

Oh, wow. Did Hans try to eat pippy? No. He said he loves dogs. No, I put some of that offspray on him, so Hans wouldn't get tempted. That's how it works. Hans is a giant bug.

Yeah, yeah. Play it safe. You know, I got a tattoo. I love the guy. Joe, fun times. You get a little joke book. Take it with you. Okay, thanks.

Treat it well. Use a spell. Turn it into a bigger joke book. There goes Joe McNamara, everybody. He's JoeNose97 on Instagram. Come back. You got a Sharpie and a Sticker. Come on, guys.

Make some noise for Joe, everybody. Or if you want, you can boo Joe. If you didn't like him, you can boo him. Wow, one guy. Look at that guy. He's angry. Who was that? He's a good guy.

Yeah, he's a good guy. All right. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Wow. That's a very unanimous decision. Wow, you must have loved that guy.

Yeah. Your next comedian is Roger Lim Dosanto. Roger Lim. From that ledge. Step back from that ledge. Step back, my friend. Step back from that ledge. Hell yeah.

Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Roger Lim Dosanto. Fuck yeah. Feels good here. I'm Roger Lim Dosantus, your favorite Brazilian comedian in your budget tonight. We Brazilians, we love soccer, right? We lost the World Cup 7-1 to Germany. Guys, that was our 9-11.

There was 58,000 people in the stadium. Fuck in Germany. Always killing dreams. I still like soccer though. I like women's soccer. Have you guys seen how the goalie stopped the shot on her chest? She's so excited about it. The crowd go crazy for her.

I showed stuff to my wife just before. She wasn't very excited about it. There was no crowd going crazy for her. You guys look solid here. You guys look solid. Thank you. My name is Roger Lim Dosantus. Roger Lim Dosanto.

Fuck yeah. That was a fun set. Is that true? Did Germany really beat Brazil in soccer? Yeah. That's unbelievable. 7-1. That was crazy.

Oh my God. That's crazy. Germany's a great sport. They never run out of gas. Roger Lim, welcome back. You've been on this show once before, right? Yeah. I've been here before and you make fun of the men.

What did I say about you? What could I possibly have said about a guy as perfect as you? You said something about my English. Yeah. What did I say? Because that, I got a lot of Rosetta Stone links. Okay. I love it.

It is true. Your English is shakier than Michael J. Fox. Oh. Fogo to Al. I love your hat though. I love your hat. Fogo to Al. That's great, Red Band.

I love it. What do you do for work, Roger Lim? I'm a network engineer. A network engineer. Yeah. Okay. All right. You like your job?

Yeah. I enjoy my job. You wear a hard hat? No. No work engineer is IT, right? Oh, okay. Cyber security. Oh.

Okay. You know the last guy? He's not your boss, is he? No, no. Okay, good. No. You beat the shit out of him, wouldn't you? You're Brazilian.

You know Jiu Jitsu. You know Jiu Jitsu? Yeah. I know Jiu Jitsu and shit. You do? Yeah. You ever choke out a midget before? You want to tonight?

Yeah. I'm kidding. You know. I'm kidding, Cody. I was, you know, I was about to say that. I love that. By the way, there's nothing cooler than doing a joke about Cody and then you look up and you just see the world's tiniest thumbs sticking up.

He's like, it's all good, man. It's all good. I love you. You know, it's funny because I was thinking, like, if he got me here and he's going to ask me if I can, you know, lift the guy and say, no, I can't lift him, but I can't choke the shit out of him. Yeah. Absolutely.

You do anything musically? You ever, you play any instruments? No, you know, but last time I was here, I told about poetry and you say, tell me poetry. Poetry? Poetry. I can tell you poetry. You have a poem? Yeah.

How many of you want to hear a poem in half English right now, huh? How many of you love barely understanding poems? Huh? All right. Then this is a poem from Rajalim Dosanto. Can we get some music? You want some poetry music? Yeah.

You guys have any artsy shit? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The Kill Tony band knows what's up. Screwball, peanut butter whiskey. All right. If it's Monday, you are lonely. Two naps at seven and watch Kill Tony.

This motherfucker is funny. That's it. Hell yeah. Hey. We could have gone back and forth there for a while. Oh, is that a thing that they do in poetry? I didn't even know about this. All right.

That's a fucking new thing. Cody's up there doing it, not making any noise. Dogs are barking down the street. I love it. Do you like it? I loved it, Rajalim. I loved it. This motherfucker, you could have said something, something, money there at the end if you wanted

to rhyme it. Lives his dreams to make his money. Next time, though. Next time. Now, you know, I like to punch things up. Yeah. I love it. Rajalim, you married?

Yeah, I'm married. Okay. She's Brazilian as well? No. She's American. She's a white lady. She's a white lady? Yeah.

Okay. Is she fine? Do you like her? Yeah, I love her. How long have you been married for? We've been together for almost 10 years. 10 years. Wow.

How do you keep things? Sure. Okay. Sure. Couple ladies that'll never have long. Love lasts that long. Woo! They go crazy for that shit.

They'll never last. No relationship will last more than two years with anybody that woos at that. Rajalim, how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? 10 years in a marriage. Give us some tricks. Do you have any fucking Brazilian trickery? Oh, man. I like her.

I ask her to samba. To what? Samba. You know samba? The dance? The Brazilian dance? Samba? You know, I actually don't.

Why don't you do it? And why don't you guys play a little Brazilian beat and you show us on a samba? There's no Brazilian samba. One, two, three. Yeah! Michael Gonzalez would play the fucking... Oh! Wow!

Look at that! Yeah, dude! Fuck yeah! Woo-hoo! Yeah! I love it. So you make her do samba and then what happens? No, she doesn't do it.

Oh. Yeah. I ask her, but she... She never does. You just ask her to and she doesn't do it. And then you fuck the shit out of her afterwards. That's how you keep things fresh in the bedroom. You remember the original question that I asked you?

I do my job. You do your job. Absolutely. I love it. I would love to see the decoration in his house. He probably has a couple paintings of soccer players. He has inspirational quotes. What is your decorations?

Is this true? No, we don't have soccer stuff, but we have a lot of dog stuff in the house. How many dogs do you have? Do you have a tattoo of your dog's gay paw print? No, no. But I have an eagle here, though. Whoa! Look at that.

It's a real eagle. Show the audience that eagle real quick. Show the audience. I'm going to show it, but... Oh, okay. What a tease you are. What a fucking... Hey, I need you to give us some information.

The eagle get angry. Normal. When I flex, the eagle get angry. Okay. Show us the normal. What? The normal? Yeah, that's normal.

The normal. All right. The angry. Whoa! That was crazy, huh? I bet you have pictures of your family and your wife and your dogs on your little IT desk at work. I bet, don't you?

No, I do not. Good! I'm in front of the jungle. I have a picture of Anacondas. I love it. I'm from the jungle. I got a picture of Anacondas, Jaguar. Fuck you!

Fuck you! I love you, Brian. I'm going to see you tomorrow. Oh, you're going to see him tomorrow? Uh-oh. Where at? Somewhere, he knows. I don't know the name, but...

You're... Okay, hold on. Plug it in. Plug it in, Brian. Come on. Where are you performing tomorrow? I don't like to let anybody know where I'm performing. Thank you.

Really? Green Jay! Green Jay! Green Jay! Holtzman's headlining to me. If you haven't seen him do Santa before, you are truly missing him. He'll be at the Secret Show Thursday. He's a killer.

I love you. I love it. Roger Lindo Santo, yet another great performance on this show. Have you gotten a joke book yet since being here? Yeah. You know, it's cool. Thank you, Adrian. When I got the book, I customized.

Adrian hooked me up and he customized the book. I love it. So, you already got one. Dundee, well, Holtzman's got some gifts for you. Thanks for popping by. That's right. Thank you guys. I appreciate it.

You guys are awesome. Should we go to this bucket? Roger Lim! Roger Lim! Roger Lim! Come here. Come get your shit. Should we go to this bucket one more time?

Should we get a lady out of there? We haven't had a girl come up yet tonight. Okay. Oh, yeah. All right. Here we go. Okay. Here we go.

We know this young lady. Oh, yeah. She works here at Vulcan. She's been on the show multiple times. It's been a long time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Brittany Ledesma, everyone. Brittany Ledesma. Here we go.

Come on, everybody. Make some noise for Brittany Ledesma. Abortions were recently made illegal in Texas after six weeks from conception, which is a huge bummer. The good news is that staircases are still legal. And coat hangers are back, baby. Six flags is open all year round. Actually, as a woman, no matter where you live, the most fiscally responsible thing

you can do is to buy a season pass. I'll let you do the math on that, though. It is really sad, though, women can't get access to the health care they need, which is why I've decided to create a foundation for young pregnant women who are scared. They call me and I go beat the shit out of them. It's medical vigilante justice, baby. You got a victim mentality. Fuck that.

Let's just make you one. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Fifty-eight seconds from Brittany Ledesma. Unbelievable. Best performance we've ever seen you have here. It's been a few months since we've seen you. You were on these shows at Antones, which recently closed.

I don't know if you guys know this. Antones simply no longer in business. They didn't tell anybody. They're not even a club anymore. It's a democratic voting place. They just make sandwiches and sell records now. That's it. They no longer do live shows.

Tell all your friends, by the way, any shows that they had tickets for coming up or they're no longer honoring the tickets. They're not giving the money back. It's just completely closed. It's really, really crazy what they're doing. If you want to, you can leave bad yelp reviews for them and let them know exactly how you felt about how they closed. Anyway, Brittany, that was amazing.

You've been working hard on your stand-up, huh? Yeah, I've been trying to. You just opened up for Russell Peters, didn't you? Yeah, I did. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah, in Bricktown. I love it.

Was that here in Austin? No, it was in Oklahoma at Bricktown. Fuck yeah. That's awesome. He flew you in and everything. That's so cool. Guest spots, but... Okay.

That's awesome, though. That's incredible. The big audiences? Yeah, I got to do the two late shows, which was awesome. They had a bunch of people there. Fucking great. That's so cool. How long have you been on stand-up?

Remind us. Just two years. Okay, and you work here at Vulcan now, right? Yeah, I work for Big Laugh. Okay. What do you do? I seat people. Okay, perfect.

Hey, that's what I was doing. I was doing that at the comedy store fucking 15, 14 years ago. That's the same job that fucking Jim Carrey, David Letterman, Sam Kenneson. Did you ever work at the store? Never. But you performed there. It's important that people sit down. You don't want people to stand up.

It's an important occupation. That is true. That is critical. Brittany, what do you do for fun when you're not performing stand-up? I also have another job. I paint oil and gas tanks once a month in South Texas. Okay. Yeah.

And you like sell them? No. My dad's a little gas engineer, so he kind of just hires me to paint giant tanks. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. I got to go see my goat ranch when I'm there, which is fun. You have goats? Yeah, I got goats.

Do they faint? Do they ever faint? I've never seen them faint. Yeah, that's on it. That's a thing. I don't know if that's a thing. That's like one of those internet things. No, no, it's real.

No, they faint. I don't know. I'll show you some fainting goats if you like to. Yeah, on the internet. Yeah. No, no. You have fainting goats? Yeah.

Okay. All right. Well, how long have you been hanging out with goats your whole life? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. I love it. Anything weird ever happened? What do you, what can you tell us about goats?

Red Van mentioned that they faint if you scare them, right? That's if you scare them. They yell weird. Yeah. Can you do an impression? Wow. Wow. Oh, it's nice to see you.

You have a goat on that fucking thing? You know what? I don't think we have a goat. All these years, we've never had a goat. Oh, we got this. That's a sheep. It's close enough. That's, yeah.

Do you think that your father has ever had sex with one of these goats? I hope not, but you never know. Anything can happen. Goat has the third closest vagina to a human vagina. Is that true? Yeah. Dolphin's number two? You would know that.

Number two is dolphin, yeah. That's the turkey. That's the turkey. What's number four? Brian's the one that, Brian personally is the one that ranks all these animals. The closest vagina. Golden retrievers, the fourth one. Or at least it feels like the fourth one.

Red Van. Trash can. I love it. What else, Brittany? What else has been going on? You're from Austin, Texas, born and raised. Yeah. Right.

What do you think about the invasion of Californians and other people? Do you have a problem with it? Like the other? Oh, I love it. Right. It's fun for you. Yeah. Finally people who aren't like inbred.

Right. Right. Less domestic violence, huh? Yeah. David Lucas is inbred right now. There's a couple loaves I left in the green room. What am I now? What am I now?

You're an inbred person. A bobble head. A bobble head? What bobble head? It's a bobble head, Brian. Not a bobble head. I'm a bobble head. Wait, why is he doing that?

He's doing his impression of a bobble head, ladies and gentlemen. Very rare treat here. Done a 500 and I think 30 or 40 episodes and we've never had anyone do a bobble head impression. So you'd be surprised what you can see here. Kill Tony's always serving up fresh episodes. I love it. Brittany, anything else crazy happened since the last time you were on the show? What's fun?

Anything exciting or Austin, Texas is crazy, man. Um... Threesomes? Have you ever had a threesome? Yeah. I've had a threesome. How many? I had one threesome and one foursome.

What was it? Three guys than you or two girls? It was two and two. Okay, little tag team championship match. I wasn't into it, so like 20 minutes and I just tapped out. Right. Okay. That's my dick.

And the threesome was the threesome two guys? Two girls and a guy. Okay. Better. All right. This pebble like groomed me. Did you find yourself like fighting for position there or because there's only, you know, threesomes a little bit, it gets a little bit...

It was a lot going on. Right. I felt bad because someone was just out watching it at some, most of it, like a rotation. There was a fourth person just watching? No, just three people. It's like... Right. Yeah.

You know. It is a little bit different than a lot of people think. That's a lazy man right there. True. Yeah. I mean like you here, she there. You know, or something. Like you shouldn't be like watching gross.

Brittany, an unbelievably great set. Thank you. Very, very... Brittany, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you can. And you get one of these awesome big kill Tony joke books. So congratulations. That's how you fucking do it. Brittany, representing the ladies very well tonight.

Thank you. Come on guys. Make some noise for Brittany Ladesma everybody. All right. You guys ready to put a fucking ribbon on this show? Ladies and gentlemen, this is the part of the show. We have one more regular. It just so happens to be that he's the longest standing regular in the history of the show.

This guy recently opening for Joe Rogan. Opening for monsters all around the world doing his own crazy shows. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. Crazy. I was crazy for fear. First off, I would like to alert the girls who made out with Hans, you know, of COVID-19. I'm not kidding.

After watching the movie Pearl Harbor, it made me wish the Japanese had come back to finish the job. Boys to men, prove it. We need to include Cornhole in the Olympics to be more inclusive of gay people. This is my impression of a little person asking questions about a script during his audition. Okay, it says here that I didn't get knocked around like a soccer ball. Is that a euphemism? I thought that was going to go so much better. Oh my God.

Alright, thank y'all so much. Exactly a minute by one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, William Montgomery. I love that last one. Built in bread here on Kill Tony every single week. I love it. Your style is unbelievable. Every single week, you're dressing better. You're looking better. What are you, three or four months sober now? Three maybe.

For those of you that don't know, William had a ridiculous drinking problem. He was doing a bunch of cocaine as well. What did you say? I was doing a bunch of cocaine as well. I highly recommend not doing that. Definitely. For those of you that don't know, William did so much cocaine that he ended up losing his eyebrows. I did. These are brand new eyebrows. I have new eyebrows this week.

How expensive are those? It was $10,000. $10,000 for the new eyebrows. Are they permanent? Yes, it's permanent. It's like the tattoos. Yeah, it was $10,000 for the pair. They look perfect. They should have matched your beard a little. It's a little dark. What the fuck are you talking about?

They look perfect. What do you mean? It's like Charlie Chaplin or something. Oh God. No, they're perfect, I think. They are. Is that Sharpie Marker? It's incredible. I love William. It's sort of scary. It was $10,000 and I swear to God I am regretting it now.

It's the wrong color. Where did you get the money for that from? Oh man, I found it. You found $10,000? Where did you find $10,000 at? In someone's pocket. Oh wow. I was on Sixth Street this past weekend and I've started pip-pocketing people. Oh, okay.

Can you show us? Can you give us a little example of what that looks like? Here, do you want to stand up? Brian Holtzman is going to be the innocent victim. He's got a long doctor's jacket on, so this is going to be sort of hard. So nice to see you. It's been a while. Welcome to Chili's. There's nothing in that pocket. This is not good pip-pocketing at all.

Wow, jokes on you. The guy that carries the most stuff around with him in the history of the show keeps nothing in his pocket. Wow. That's hilarious. I would have guessed you have so much shit in your pocket. And instead, it's the ultimate fucking bluff. That's like going in Cosby's pockets and not finding Roofies. You know what I mean?

That's incredible. William, I love this get-up. Where'd you get this shirt? Were you at an Indianapolis Colts convention or something like that? Actually, on Sixth Street, I've been stealing people's clothes as well. Oh, okay. I got this this past Saturday. All right. What else have you been doing for fun around town? You're a real Austinite now, one of the first of the Kill Tony crew to move out here.

I have been going to the mall and stealing people's stuff out of their bags. Literally, I've started stealing said, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to stop. Okay, maybe you've become addicted to stealing things, huh? I'm a little worried about it. I'm not kidding. What else have you stolen from people this week? Oh my God, I stole a car off of someone. What kind of car? It was like a Mazda Miata, one of the little...

Yeah, a little Mazda Miata. What do you do with it? Do you use it? Because you already had a car. You're just doing this for the fucking excitement. For the thrill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I ended up crashing it into a tree. Oh. I had robbed a bank earlier that day. I stole the Mazda Miata.

I shot a couple of police officers. Wow, did they pass away? Did what? Did the police officers that you shot, did they pass away? They did. Okay. They're no longer fucking here. You seem like the kind of...

I fucking murdered them. I fucking killed them. I killed two people. I'm not proud of it. I fucking shot two cops. That's horrible, William. It's very scary. It's scary as shit.

Sometimes we've seen you get excited and scream about things. We've had raisin bread and something else, but I don't think anything quite as morbid as you shooting. I shot two fucking cops. Saturday night. Where was this at? Where in Austin? It was up at the mall. Okay.

They weren't security guards? Shut the fuck up, red man. What a dumbass question. I mean, it could have been. That was a stupid question. It really was. What mall was it? Was it the domain? Because if you shot two cops at the domain,

I'll give you money for that. I hate the domain so much. Is there anything worse anywhere around this city than the domain? I'm pretty sure it's the bottom of the barrel. I love the domain. Of course you love the domain. What's up with those eyebrows?

God, it's a thing. It's a thing I wish I didn't purchase. $10,000. $10,000. Can you get them touched up? Did they come with a warranty or anything? They did not. Can you return those eyebrows?

I don't think I fucking can. Maybe you could get them highlighted or something? Oh, maybe. They're pretty dark. I think the light is making them darker. I think it's taking away all the red that was in there. Would you ever dye your hair like the same color as those eyebrows?

They'd be pretty funny. Yeah, I think that's a really good idea. William, when you shot the police officers, did they say anything? They were screaming. They were fucking screaming. I was yelling at them. You're about to get shot.

They're fucking screaming for their lives. I shoot them anyway. This is Austin. There's at least two girlfriends that got brought to this show that are like progressive liberals thinking to themselves, someone should call the fucking cops.

What is happening right now? I don't fucking understand. Is this why they... Is this why they locked up the phone so that we can't call the police? There it was. Still worth it to do it. William, anything else crazy

we should talk about before you go? You look fantastic. Your sets are unbelievable. You're sober. You're focused. It's crazy that you became a kleptomaniac because I'm pretty sure you stole

the fucking show tonight, my friend. I killed you, cops! I murdered them! They're dead! I don't ever want to interrupt these rambles that you go on, and I never know when they're going to end these screaming fits that you have.

I think are one of the most entertaining things in all of comedy right now. They're starting to hurt my fucking throat. I've been screaming too much recently. It's the only thing I can fucking do now to make people laugh. My life is turning into a fucking nightmare. I have to start fucking screaming

to make people laugh. It literally is a nightmare. That's why I got this fucking tattoo on my face. William, we found out that when you quit drinking, a new addiction arose that you've been eating many loaves of raisin bread. I'm still eating them.

Have you lost any weight when you quit drinking or have you gained weight? I've gained weight. Wow, it does sort of look like it. How much raisin bread have you been eating this week? Literally, up to this point, if we're counting from... Let's count from Thursday, I would say.

From Thursday, this is Monday, and you're starting Thursday morning. Thursday morning, it's three loaves. Three loaves of raisin bread from Costco, right? Costco? Yeah, I can't stop. Got to put butter. Well, when the William jokes end

and when they start, that's what I love, is that that's fucking true. He didn't really kill two cops, but I bet a million dollars that he ate three loaves of raisin bread since Thursday. Do you put butter on them? Like, do you... Butter all over them?

Yeah. Where do you get the butter from? The store. I've started stealing butter from the store. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen! We did it again! How loud can this place get for the great Brian Holtzman? Look at this.

Wow. Whoa. One of the coolest drawings ever from Brian Jeb about this episode. Wow, look at that. You got to see it to believe it. It's like a James Bond homage featuring Brian Holtzman,

red band, and myself. That's awesome. Thank you to the Yellow Rose, the Red Rose, Cody. Oh, you know what I forgot to do? I forgot that... that our friends over at the Nether Hour, the band that's playing after the show, made this shirt

for whoever kissed Hans Kim tonight. I forgot about this. So, if Stormy or Jennifer is still here, this is for us. We weren't expecting two people to kiss Hans Kim this week. So, we have a shirt for you.

The girls have to share it. Ooh. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. The Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony Band. Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey.

That's Michael Gonzalez on drums met mulling on guitar in the great The Return of D Badness tonight, everybody. Yeah! C.M. Smokehouse, Crown Royal,

and Brian Holtzman, actually. Hey, Cody, are you still here? Cody, can you zip down here real quick? I want you to do something fun for us. One last thing. Uh, hell yeah. Shout-outs to Austin Reserve, Jen. Make sure you listen to Dead Air

with Brian Holtzman. It's a podcast that he's been doing for a while. It's produced by Red Band. And, uh... And by the way, you know, like, a lot of people that you see from this show and all this the universe of Kill Tony Holtzman has on this show.

He's had Hans Kim, Isabella who Hans Kim broke her heart. All those people. Here comes Cody, everybody. Let Cody through, David. David, let Cody through. Here comes Cody. Cody. Brian Holtzman laminates all these things. I want you to point that

right towards that camera. Hold that right over your chest. Follow Brian Holtzman on Instagram at Brian Holtzman on Facebook at Brian Holtzman. He's on Twitter at Holtzman Brian.

It gets a little tricky on Twitter. YouTube is Brian Holtzman now, all one word. Holtzman.store for all your Brian Holtzman merch. The podcast Dead Air Austin. That is his show.

Podcast Dead Air LA. Some past episodes. And Instagram at Brian Holtzman. How about a hand from Cody, everybody? Brian Holtzman. Cody, thank you so much. Did you guys have fun here tonight? Alright, that's the end

of this part of the show. See you guys later. Thank you. Love you. Bye. Let's go. Thank you.