KILL TONY - #520 - JIMMY SHUBERT

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

Jimmy Shubert, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Michael Lehrer, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/16/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Get life insurance! Especially term coverage, which is surprisingly affordable. Why not pay a bit each month to protect the ones you love? If you’re asking yourself this question: choose Ladder. GO TO LADDERLIFE.COM/TONY.—Super Speciosa! Try Kratom and get 20% off your entire order – go to GetSuperLeaf.com/tonyand use promo code TONY for 20% off your entire order—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shop Squad dot TV.

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You have to make noise right now. The great Brian Redbanz here, ladies and gentlemen, and you are at the number one live podcast in the world. Are you guys excited to be here tonight, huh? God damn mother fucking right. Very exciting stuff. We have a full roster of awesomeness ahead of you. Historically, Austin, Texas, a lot of people saying the best episodes in the eight year history of the show.

Hell yeah. Right here in your hometown. That's the rumor on the street. I agree with them 100%. And look at this, we have a brand new decoration. We famously had a sword on the stage for all of our shows in Los Angeles. Somehow that ended up in my wrong golf bag when I moved out here to Texas. But it's only fitting that we would switch the show from Los Angeles to Austin and we switched from a sword to a brand new gun, everybody.

This is a .45 caliber Kill Tony. This is a fucking legit heavy fucking gun. By the way, when the guy gave it to me in the parking lot, I was a little freaked out at first. Shout out to Thomas Landis. He's on Instagram at that name for making the gun for us. Very fucking cool. How about a hand for the band, everybody? How cool is that shit, huh? The Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball.

Peanut Butter Whiskey. This is the great Matt Mueling on guitar, everybody. That there is Michael Gonzalez on the drums. And this is our good friend, Fresh from a two week break thanks to the coronavirus. Now he's stronger than ever. How about a hand for D-Madness, everybody? Holy shit. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose.

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There it is. Every single week we have one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show, this guy, Comedy Store Royalty. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy used to open up for Sam Kenneson and he's your favorite comedian's favorite comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the great Jimmy Schubert everybody. Oh shit. Hell yeah.

Jimmy, a long time veteran guest of Killtony's been with us since its inception at the Comedy Store. A badass motherfucker. He's on tour always and is specials available at JimmySchubert.com. That's S-H-U-B-E-R-T. Jimmy Schubert all one word.com. Jimmy, how are you? I'm great, man.

How are you? Thanks for having me. Love it. I'm so excited that you're in Austin, Texas. I'm loving Austin. We always have so much fun. Yeah. It's great here.

You're a wild man. You've been in Florida, man. Last time we saw you, we had Killtony Miami. Yeah. It was an amazing time. How is Florida, dude? It's great. It's a little hot right now, but it's hot everywhere, you know what I mean?

It really is. It's hot as fuck here in Texas. It's absolutely ridiculous. You know what else is hot? Is tonight's show a bunch of people signed up for the opportunity. Comedians, are you back there? Make some noise so that they know you're real. Over 100 comedians signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket tonight.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy time. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then. Or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear. All right. That's it. You guys ready to start the show? This is it.

Yeah. All right. Kicking off tonight's show, instead of going to the bucket, we have this week three regulars that will be performing. This is one of them. Every single week, we have regulars that debut a brand new show. They debut a brand new minute. It's very, very hard to do in the art of stand-up comedy, doing 52 new minutes per year,

plus road shows when they're at them. But these guys always figure out a way to get the job done. Your first comedian tonight, one of our favorite regulars in the history of the show, formerly a master of improv out of Chicago's second city, did it for decades, was written about in history books, then got diagnosed with ALS, decided to chase his bucket list stream of becoming a comedian. This is Michael Lairer, everybody. Make some fucking noise for the great Michael Lairer.

Over here, guys. Over here. Grab that microphone. There you go. Thank you. Sweet. How about one more time for the great and powerful brand new minute from Michael Lairer, everybody. It's time for action, people.

Right now, a heatwave threatens 100 million Americans. I threatened one bitch so I'd get a restraining order. Now, people are always like, Michael. Michael, you son of a... Yo, let me start me over. I deserve a warm up. What do y'all think? I mean, everything's against me.

The microphone cables tangled up. I can barely speak red paint. All right. New minute for Michael Lairer. Fuck yeah. Michael, you sounded like absolute shit tonight. No, man. I'm set up for shit.

The fucking microphone cable is tied around the fucking mic stand. Literally, comedy is the hardest job in the fucking world. And every one of you white boys want to beat me up here. And then, and then, and then, and then I get this disease. I can't walk. I can't talk. There is no fucking ramp. And then the microphone cable is tied around the microphone stand.

So fuck you. Okay, okay. I'll take that. I'll take that. Oh, my own friends are clapping at that. Backstabbing traders. Wow, what a hot take from the audience. Oh, we're going to take the dying guy's side.

Whatever, you pussies. Michael, that was a fun set. It was no set. I have five jokes. We're in the interview portion. Let me spit them for fun. Okay, let's do some more jokes. You want to do more jokes?

Yo, I'm going to say hi to my main man, Jamie Sorbet. Hi, Jack Sorbet Jr. Jamie Sorbet. I love this dude. I saw him walking and I think he might have a gout. Oh, shit. Wow. A gout?

So he's a legend with a gout. Yeah. Jamie. Yo, but let me tell a joke. Jesus Christ. You don't have to say that beforehand. You can just do it. No, I do.

I'm set up for failure every fucking week and I fucking kill. I imagine if I were set up for a sex test. Now, my people tell me all the time, oh, your son looks so much like him. Oh, shit. Who's he supposed to look like? Magic Johnson?

Kevin Hart? Denzel Washington? All right, confession time. My girlfriend's only seen on me with black eyes. Look, I know what I might say. I might ruffle some feathers, but I think the only way to make America great again is if my girlfriends stop cheating on me with black eyes.

There you go. That's, when you say black eyes three times, you hear the baking soda sound effect. That's just how Kiltoni works. He's really cheating on you, by the way, Michael, because I bet she is, but do you think she is? Yeah, they all do. Because I'm a micro penis.

Oh, wow. You better keep her away from D-Madness back there. I'm telling you, this guy will literally fuck anything. I know it for a fact. Yeah. All right. Right, man. All right.

Michael, what else? What else this week? What else is going on? Well, you know, it's a crazy week. You know, we are dealing with a pandemic that we're all balancing what is right for each other and our individual freedoms, but we need to get our kids back in the classroom

because no more virtual learning, because we can't teach our teams critical race theory while they're masturbating. One more thing. Hey, you son of a bitch. Jesus Christ, my God. Look, we need to keep Broadway open, all right? Broadway?

Yeah, Broadway. Keep it open. Without Broadway, we swipe people and want to have rap music that doesn't overwhelm them. Look, what I mean is if we keep open Broadway, maybe, just maybe, if we're lucky, the whole cast of Hamilton will get corona and die. Oh, my goodness.

All right. I love it. Michael, you got to meet Andrew Dice Clay last night, one of your heroes. Is that correct? Yeah. Yeah, it was very cool. When I was eight years old in 1986 on HBO

on Rodney Dangerfield Special, I remember seeing Andrew Dice Clay. Yeah, keep going. Tell us more. Then what happened? No, no, no, no. Maybe, maybe, quite contrary to that procedure. Keep going.

Keep telling us this emotional Andrew Dice Clay story. Yeah, I mean, you know. When that piano kicks in, it gets me every time. Yeah, you know, that fucking flies at this place. I know. Nick, you need to fucking clean up your club a little bit, dude. Get some of those fly strips in your joint or something. This place is disgusting.

Speaking of Dice Clay, I was here yesterday for the show. And it's, that's what I said. I said, you got to meet Dice last night. I already said that. No, we're not going to cut it. No, that's not how it works. You don't get to decide when the music, that's us. We decide that, Michael.

Tell your fucking story. All right, it's over, it's over. Go ahead, go ahead. It's for Dice, Nick, and Cam, and Haley, they made fucking guys come in. It's not like Fabulouso. It's like Kool-Aid, all-purpose cleaner from Mexicans. Fabulouso.

All right, it must be original. Yeah, it is. It is a regional thing. I've heard a Fabulouso joke. They do better in Los Angeles. Look, I just like to sing one more thing before I leave. All right, perfect. This will just take seven and a half minutes, so let's just get it out of the way.

You know, the world is upside down right now, but the only people having a better summer than the Milwaukee Bucks are the Taliban. Yeah, that's true. It is a big week for the Taliban. A big week. How about a big hand for Michael Laird, ladies and gentlemen? He did it again.

Come on, make some fucking noise for the great Michael Laird, everybody. This is the part where he stage dives. All right, you guys ready to go to this bucket? Anything can happen. Over 100 people signed up. Let's see what happens here. Mix them up. I get in there, and I pull the first name out of the bucket.

Your first comedian goes by the name of Jordan McDonald. Anything can happen here, people. We have no idea who these people are. Could be a local legend. Could be a first-timer. Could be a 20-year veteran that sucks. Could be a crazy person. Here's your first comedian.

This is Jordan McDonald, everybody. Make some noise for Jordan. What's going on, everybody? How y'all doing? I realize I look like every life game black dude with long hair who's ever been famous. I look like Lenny Kravitz. I look like a tall prince.

I look like that nigga from high school musical Corbin Blue. I look like Zero from Holes. Eric Andre, Colin Kaepernick. I look like all these niggas, man. I look like Saisho Bob. He's not yellow. He's light-skinned. I think Walmart's an interesting place.

Walmart's one of the few places in the world where you can purchase a box of condoms, plan B pills, and a rifle on the same transaction. If you ask me, that's plan A, B, and C all at the same time. Thank you. Thank you. I'm a hip-hop fan. I like to imagine what DMX would sound like if you was French. I feel like DMX would sound something like,

Bonjour, what? Wow, Jordan McDonald. Holy shit. Thank you. Coming out guns a-blazin'. Thank you. You do look like all those things that you mentioned. I look like all of them somehow, bro. It's crazy.

Light-skinned Rhea Perlman. Has anybody ever told you that before? Oh, no. You ever seen Danny DeVito's wife? You know who I'm talking about? I don't. Somebody said I look like an albino afro man after a show last week.

Okay. I was like, all right, I guess. All right. I love it. How long have you been on stand-up? That was a fantastic set. Since 2018. Wow.

I did it twice in 2017 and did terrible. And then 2018, I was like, yo, I'm out here. Okay. All right. You remember your worst joke from your first set? My very first set. I was living in an Airbnb in LA and I talked about how I was mad that the Airbnb roommates were eating my bananas

because I'm a vegetarian. And exactly how y'all are looking at me is how everybody was looking at me then. Right. Yeah, exactly. You're like, I should add some jokes to this. Yeah. Exactly.

Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Instead of just making everybody hungry with the banana talk. Yeah. I love it, man. So now do you live here in Austin, Texas? Yes, sir.

When did you move here? Actually, from Texas. I'm from Sherman, Texas, up in North Texas. Okay. Yeah. Shout out to that. A bunch of meth heads and stuff. Yeah.

I lived out here in 2016 to 2017. My sister went to UT. And then I did from Austin to LA and then I've been on the road from LA to Atlanta from June to last June. And then I just got back to Austin in July. Okay. Been around, man. Okay.

You have been around. What do you do for work? I'm a big businessman, baby. Really? Yeah. Damn. September 6th is that last day, boy. Wow.

You have it set up. Set up, man. Where are you getting unemployment from? What company? So I used to, like, I used to emcee and host dance competitions for two years. Get out of here. So I would, yeah, I would go across the country and get people

hype on stage because dance competitions are boring as fuck. Do you dance a little bit? Yeah, yeah. Can we see some of your dance? Yeah, yo, put on some music. You guys have any dance music for them? Let's get something here for Jordan and McDonald's. Oh, shit.

There goes the bat. Oh, shit. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Goddamn. All right. All right. Just a little bit.

Wow. That was such a good Michael Jackson impression. Thank you. I'm going to let you fuck a little boy on this stage right now, just to really, just to reward you. I love it. Jordan, you're a stud. What's your love like?

Like, you have a girlfriend? Yeah, I got a lady, man. I got a very special lady, man. Yeah? Special, like, disabled or, uh... No. No, actually, real talk, she was like, yo, you really need to concentrate on comedy.

Oh, okay. Like, she really was like, yo, do this shit for real. I love that. Yeah. Okay, we got the Michael Jackson. Very good. Yeah, you're getting them all amped up here when he hears those noises. Give me pumps.

What does she do? Uh, so she's like a spiritual wellness teacher. Yeah. Okie dokie. Safe word. Safe word. All right. We got the Michael Jackson.

She's a crazy girl. There you go. Yeah. But crazy, crazy. You know, if you trust you're crazy, is it really crazy? She teaches like yoga or something? No. So, like, she helps people get in tune with their spirituality.

She does readings. Oh, she believes in Christmas. She does readings. Oh, she believes in crystal meth. Jesus Christ. Not the meth part. But stones and stuff, you know. Yeah.

Metaphysics. She does tarot and stuff. Meditation. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Do you guys meditate together? Not together, but, like, we meditate, you know what I'm saying? Okay. You have any special moves in the bedroom?

You're such a, like, a stylish, cool guy. Man, I got some moves, bro. What can you describe to us? Some of the, a lot of the fans of Piltonia are virgins. I don't know what to do. Like, look at this fucking guy right here. Yo, just, you just got to breathe. You just got to breathe.

Yeah, try breathing, dude. Just stop holding your fucking breath. What else? What else other than breathing? That's really great advice. Like, no, for real. Like, conscious breathing, and you get in the bedroom and you just be lasting forever just through your breath, bro.

You do. What's the longest you've ever lasted? I'm talking about thrusting, like, non-stop. Hard as a rock. What's the longest you've gone? All right, like... It's a real tough question, yeah. All right, so, like, 44, 24.

44 minutes, 24 seconds. I would say that. Wow. Look at that. That's pretty fucking exact, bro. Yeah. Yo, vegetarian diet, that shit will, will switch your life up. Your energy level will be on the whole different level, dude.

I'm serious, man. If you ate a fucking steak... Bro, he's fucking a vegetarian. No, I was raised on a Black Angus cattle ranch, so, like, I was raised, like, on, like, homegrown beef and stuff, and I always could taste, like, the dirt and beef you get from the grocery store and stuff. You know what I'm saying? Come on, dude.

All right. Turn up. That's a jam. I love it. So you were raised on a farm? Yes, sir. Is that what your parents do? Not anymore, but we were raised in Sherman, Texas, Black Angus cattle ranch.

Then in high school, we had horses. Shout out to the Black Angus cattle ranch. Yeah, for real. That's some good-ass beef, for real. Good-ass burgers, good-ass steaks, Black Angus cattle. What do your, what does your father think about you becoming a vegetarian? I mean, he's, he's cool. He used to be a vegetarian back in the day, too, so.

Wow. Yeah, that's wild. He's a Vietnam orbit. Shout out to my pups. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. Huge fans. I love it.

Jordan, that was such a fucking great set, man. Thank you. You have so much charisma. Thanks for getting it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Here's a joke book.

Take one of those. Custom-made fucking real Texas leather right there, made by Bonesi. Follow him on Instagram. Bonesi with a Z. And that's it. The show has begun. Back to the bucket we go. Look at our photographer.

Look at the great Joe White over here, everybody. Look at this guy. He's not even paying attention to the show. You got to love it. Get yourself a photographer that's 114 years old like we did. A lot of these young buck photographers think they haven't figured out. Uh-uh. Get yourself a guy that hasn't gotten hard in 40 years.

Your next comedian goes by the name of David Tombenin. Tom Bailin. David Tombenin. Tom Bailin. Watch over that camera behind you, Joe. Oh, shit. All right. Here comes this guy.

One more time for David Tom Bailin. Austin, Texas. Wow. I love Austin. You know, I like Austin because you're open-minded. I'm open-minded too. In fact, my wife is trans. Yeah.

No fans? Oh, okay. Yeah, my wife's trans. You know there's all kinds of trans. There's trans racial now. Of course, good old fashioned transgender. My wife is a transpender. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah. That was the part you were supposed to laugh. Okay. That's okay. You'll get it on there. Yeah. She spends according to how she feels on the inside.

In fact, she feels she was born in the wrong socioeconomic class. You understand? So she's even got her own pronouns. NASDAQ and GDP. Yeah, that's what she goes by. And she's just got a job down at the library. She's teaching kids on financial responsibility. That's right.

And she's just going forward, living her dream. And she's spending according to her truth. Her truth. Thank you, everybody. Fuck yeah. David Tom Bailin. Exactly one minute. I love it.

I'm surprised you didn't talk about somebody ate your bananas during that set. God damn, that was fucking horrible, dude. Was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're wondering, like, maybe it just sounds different up here than if you're in the back. No. I love it. You're brand new at this, huh?

Yeah, first time. First time, everybody. Yeah. That's acceptable. In that case, if you would have said you were doing it 10 years, we were going to shoot you in the head. So congratulations. Thank you. What made you want to start now?

Well, people lied to me. Yeah, they told you you were funny. Yeah. Now, now you laugh. Yeah. Now they laugh. That's what you have to do. You have to make fun of yourself a little bit, David.

Oh, shit. If you calm down a little, there might be something there, but you were, like, cocaine energy, like, from the start. Yeah, it really is. It's incredible. Good advice. Thank you. Why are you so energetic?

How do you do that? It was nervous. Yeah, it was nervous. Thank you, guy who looks like me. Thank you. You think this is what you look like? He looks like me. I got bad news for you, bro.

You look like Red Band, my friend. I love it. You think? As long as it's someone. That's it. Look at this. Like father and son over here. It's incredible.

He doesn't look like. He looks like a sporty Harvey Weinstein. Who is that about? You better slow it down. Like, if Harvey took a few laps around the yard. I love it. What the fuck did you just say, bitch? All right.

David saved all of his jokes for after his set, the Iberian Orthodox approach. It's sneaky. It's sneaky. Yeah. All right. So let's talk about your life. How old are you, David? 48.

48 years old. You just started stand-up comedy five minutes ago. Just five minutes ago. Yeah. Absolutely. And what have you been doing up until this point? What do you do for a living? I do some contract work.

What kind of contract work? I can't talk about it. What are you talking about? Let's just say when you see me, you see your tax dollars at work. Why don't you just tell us what the fuck you do for work? No, no, no. I do some contracting with the government that I can't talk about. Oh, okay.

You can't talk about it. Right. All right. What can you talk about? You have any special skills or talents? Anything interesting about you or your life that we might be able to talk about, David? Well, I was in a hip-hop group when I was in high school. Get the fuck out of here.

It's called white chocolate. Yeah. Get out of here. Don't laugh at my dreams. Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah. So what kind of...

What kind of... Yes. You get me. If we give you a beat, will you do some hip-hop for us? Well, I didn't really prepare any. Okay. Drop a beat, Red Band. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Damn. Come on. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. This is the whitest guy you've ever seen in your life. Taking a shot at hip-hop. Chitty, chitty, bang, bang. Go and do your thing.

Can't take a joke. Let's call him Pang Dang. Who's in the house? Everybody raise a glass. Are you prepared for this? I'm all up in your first class. All right. That's all I got.

Wow. Look at that. That's actually pretty good, David. Very surprised. I'm absolutely shocked. You are sweating like a pig right now. Look at it. And this is a light day.

This is a light day. Yeah. I love it. David, what else do you do? What do you like to do for fun? How do you relieve stress? I like to fly single-engine aircraft. Really?

Yeah. I golf like you. Oh, goodness. That's crazy. It's hitting on you. Yeah. This is incredible. I've never been to.

Oh, you fly planes too? Yeah. What kind? Well, I mean, I'm not flying single-engine aircraft by myself yet. I'm getting my... You haven't sold it yet? No. Okay.

No, a few hours away. He flies a plane, he says. Okay. Yeah. Oh. Oh. He does D-Madness. I'm getting heckled by D-Madness right here.

Yeah. D-Madness said he doesn't trust him flying an airplane. He can't say the same. Yeah. All he heard was your 22nd rap, so I don't really blame him. I don't really like my... It's been 1991 since I rocked the mic. Okay, David.

Okay, shut the fuck up, David. Listen to the moments when you're supposed to talk. It's after I ask you a question. What's your... You really married? Yeah. What's that like? It's awesome.

I got a great wife. She's super hot. And she has that perfect combination of being... I find that hard to believe. Yeah. I know. Well, she has a perfect combination of being really hot and having really low standards. So, yeah.

She has soft skin. What's funny there? What's wrong with you? How did you get her? Huh? Well, she's from Thailand. And... Oh, okay.

Male order bride. That's easy. Just fill out the form. That's it. Just $15,000. We could all have one of those. Is that steps? 50,000 is steps?

That's it. It's on eBay. Oh, seriously. My wife is so awesome, man. She's great. Her... It's kind of... It's not creepy.

My wife's younger than me, but it's not creepy that she's younger than me. How young is she? She's a little creepy that her mom is younger than me. That's the... Okay. David. David, how old's your wife? 24, 25.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. How long have you guys been married for? Like four or five years. Yeah. Hey, people. You know how he times 40 acres into 24? A lot.

Who needs fucking Viagra, right? Seriously, she's great. Where did you meet this girl at? She worked at a bakery. And I said, I'll take an eclaire and your number. It's like that, fellas. That's it. Yeah.

What kind of fucking bakery was this? French. Yeah, French. She's great. Wow. Her mom's a big politician over there. If you would've told me you'd fall in love at a bakery, I would've guessed it was a loaf of bread, perhaps.

I'm a fucking 21-year-old Thai girl. 24, sir. Well, now she's 24. You said you'd been together for four years. Well, she was 24. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here. Yeah. She was 20 when we got married.

Yeah. How'd you meet her? Was she coloring outside the lines? Yeah. No. I just picked her up. She just got picked up from cheerleader practice. And I...

All right. David, stop trying the jokes, David. Rough Austonians. Finding an underage girl at bakeries, this fucking guy. Underage? He's 20? A pretifile. David.

First time, dude. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. For your first time, it truly wasn't all that bad. Yeah. It certainly wasn't. You seem like a... Yeah, but I wouldn't do it again.

Jimmy knows. Jimmy's a real veteran here. Red Band and I talk shit, but Jimmy knows. Jimmy, what do you think this guy should do for the rest of his life? Any advice? I would go home and fucking eat that 24-year-old's pussy. Yeah. The last...

Absolutely. I'm sure things still taste like peach cobbler, you know what I mean? Not a lot of water damage down there when you're 24. I think still has the warranty with it. Yeah, absolutely. The last thing I would be doing is telling fucking jokes. Yeah. Hell yeah.

But that's me. That's me. Do you eat her pussy? Do you eat your girlfriend's pussy a lot? My wife won't let me have a girlfriend, Tony. Oh, okay. You eat your wife's pussy a lot? Yeah, you know, I don't talk a lot about that kind of stuff in public, man.

Well, yeah, we understand that you don't talk about it a lot in public, but you're on a show right now in which that would apply. What's your favorite move in the bedroom? Counter-clockwise swirl. All right, there goes David, everybody. Hey, come on. Keep it going. David, David, David, David.

There you go, David. There you go. A little souvenir. Still got it. Yeah, hey. And that's Ohio State, bro. The arm comes from the Buckeye State of Ohio, if you're wondering. No doubt about it.

That's right, my friend, Ayo. Would you like a delicious crown and coat? Oh, sure. Is that made with a can, Nick? Oh, wow. That's incredible. Jimmy, you want a drink? Yeah, I have a vodka soda.

All right, your next comedian. You guys having fun yet? All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Dakota Hens. Dakota Hensy, perhaps. H-E-N-Z, Dakota Hens. Here we go. Here he is, everybody.

One more time for Dakota, everybody. Dakota Hens, everybody. I had a pregnancy scare recently. A girl showed up in my work, freaking out. She goes, Dakota, I think I'm pregnant. I go, calm down. It wasn't my first time. I said, what are your symptoms?

She goes, I'm bloated. She's late in my period, and I'm throwing up in the morning. And I said, well, I don't know if you've got a baby or not, but you should have an ex-boyfriend. There you are, good. I've learned in life that there's only two similarities between a set of good parents and pedophiles. They both know the full cost of rearing a child.

I'm not fucking delusional. There you go. I'm moving a little slow tonight. Two jokes from Dakota Hens. Am I saying that right, Hens? Hensy, yeah. Hensy, all right. Very good.

Dakota, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Two years. I didn't do any in 2020, just because shit happened. Okay, two years. Yes, sir. I love it. What do you do for a living?

I am a bartender in Barback, and on Wednesday nights, I run a trivia show in Seguin, Texas. In where, Texas? Seguin, Texas. I live about an hour south of here. Okay. I drive every week with no AC. Wow.

Hell yeah. It's fucked up. All right. And you're a bartender there? Yes, yeah. Barback, bartender. Yeah, I just kind of... So you're pretty much a barback.

No, no, no, no. I mean... Anybody that actually is a bartender would never say the word barback at all for a second. Well, I do... Okay, you're fair. I do both. I do both, but yeah, that's fair.

It's a small town, Tony. A small town, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's like someone that broke into a house and murdered somebody. They don't go, yeah, I was in jail because I broke into a house. Murdered somebody. They also murdered somebody.

They murdered someone. You're a barback. It's all right. No, yeah, okay. That's fair. Got it. I love it. So, Dakota, tell us more about you.

What have you been doing with your life up until this point? You're 31? I am 24. Okey-dokey, yeah. Oh, shit. Zoinks. Turns out the water down in Sinsey, Texas ain't the best. You know what I mean?

Yeah. No, let's see. I ride a lot. Looks like you've been drinking water out of the well from the ring movie. A little goblin girl down there while you're scooping out water. Scooping out water and good ol' Seguin, Texas. Okay, go ahead.

Keep telling us. I play a lot of instruments. I play guitar, drums, bass. I can't beat Michael Gonzalez in a drum off. There's no fucking way. There's no way. Jesus fucking Christ. People just keep handing me glasses of whiskey.

Who drinks like that? It's a show. No, you don't. Red Band, you get drunk off a drink and a half, so you stop it. Dakota, tell us the most interesting thing about you. Man, I've seen three dead bodies. I've seen two people get hit by a car.

What? How is this possible? What are you, living in final destination? I would think. I've seen two people get hit by cars, and then I found my dad after he killed himself. Oh my god, your father killed himself? Yeah.

Holy shit, how long ago was that? That'll add a few years to your age. Yeah, that's probably why it looks so old. No, I was like 16, so a couple of years ago. God damn it, that's horrendous. Did he hang and shoot himself? Yeah, he hung himself. He hung himself.

Wow, how did that happen? Was he on anti-depressants recently? No, he was like a war dude. He beat a dude to death with his helmet, and he ended up just having PTSD and shit like that. I actually started a new medication, which is probably why it looks so fucking shitty. Wait, you started a new medication?

Yeah, I started some anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds this week. Okay, alright, that's cool. No, that's not adding, dear. Give this guy a hand. You've lived a full life already. You're fucking out here doing it, dude. We actually met once in Detroit.

You gave me some of the best advice. You told me to start watching Kill Tony, and literally I was doing comedy for probably like two weeks, and then you said, well, actually, you weren't being genuine. I said, what's the... Because we're outside, Joe Rogan, and you are doing your thing, and you go... No wonder I was a dick.

Listen to how long it's taking you to get to the point. I had shit to do that night in Detroit. Danny Brown was waiting for me in the green room with a fat blunt. Does anybody want to ask a question to a professional comedian? I am, in fact, one of the top rising comedians in the world. One of the top young rising comedians. It's a very important part, even though I'm almost 40 now. At the top brand.

Nobody raised their hands, so I raised my hand and you said, yes, Donald Trump's fifth illegitimate son. Yeah. And then what did you ask? I said, well, what's your best advice to a young comedian starting out? And he said, watch the Kill Tony podcast live from the comedy store at 8 p.m. That's right. Yeah.

Probably got a laugh in the room, right? It was outside in the freezing cold, but yeah, people laughed at me. You're goddamn right they did. You got to play to the audience that's in front of you. Yeah. You ever think about moving out of the country? Yeah, I'm looking for apartments right now. It's just, it's hard being a bar back and...

You want to move to Austin? Yeah, I do. So you have a dark sense of humor. Yeah, yeah. Where's Nick at? Get Nick up here. Let's get the owner of Vulcan up here real quick. Let's see if we can make something magical happen right here in front of this audience.

I want to see magic happen. Come on. Where's Nick at? All right, Nick's not here. Curtis, the general manager of Broken's new comedy club. Come up here, Curtis. Curtis, Curtis, what do you think? Can we get this guy as a bar back at the fucking new club?

Will you at least give him an interview? Wait, there's Nick right there. All right, thanks, Red Band, for the perfect timing of that Nick thing. I got you right here, but it's much better to work at Rogan's new club. So we're going to upgrade from Nick's to... Rogan probably doesn't want somebody that has issues at his club, right? Well, that makes a lot of fucking sense right there. I'm well-behaved.

Again. I'm a well-behaved man. I mean, it's just unbelievable. Maybe let's just let the show roll here. Keep on track. Curtis, what do you think? Can we get this guy an interview? Hell, yeah.

I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, thank you. How does that make you feel? Thanks for really clunking that up, Red Band. Jesus fucking Christ. No, this is...

I've been dreaming of this since that night you told me about that. This is literally, like, fucking dream country that's been better than I ever thought it would. I mean, you would just be a bar back, nothing more. Dude, that's... dude, like, who cares? Like, who gives a shit? This is, like, what I think I'm meant to do, like, who gives a fuck? Well, you're one of the only people I know that even has a shot at getting a job like that. I think it's fitting that it's happening to you.

You know, you're trying to make the right adjustments and get your life on the right track. Thank you. And maybe get... knock in some more... do more jokes in a minute than two. Yeah. I have, like, a slow time. It's just slower. It's hard to do more jokes. It's just... I practice in the mirror at my house, so, like, when I'm, like, stewing there, it's always just slow, so... Are you ever practicing in the mirror at your house and for a second you see the image of your father behind you?

Just for a... just for a quick second. I love looking at the looks on people's faces, the shock and whore. Is this a great day for you? You're the only person I know that has an interview set up at Rogan's new club. Dude, no, uh... History of the show, this has never happened before. Dude. Yeah! Holy shit, yeah, fuck yeah, no, it's awesome.

I figure a bar back, well, I mean, what do you got to lose? What are you gonna hire? A brain surgeon for that shit? Let him get the fucking ice and pour it in the bucket, alright? I can do that. Ladies and gentlemen, that was the new minute from Dakota Hensie, everybody! Take one of those. Oh, shit. We got some...

Yeah, let's do it. I'm gonna bring up another regular. You guys, does that sound like fun? Yeah! This young man was made a regular here in Austin, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, taking the show over like a storm. This is Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, guys? I think it's funny that when you go to prison, people say don't drop the soap,

because it should be don't pick up the soap. You can drop as much soap as you want. It's the bending over where they really getcha. Even if you don't drop the soap, you're still gonna get raped. You're just gonna have really clean hands while it happens. Why is all this working? Who are these rapists? Like, man, I want to get that kid, but he never drops a soap.

Does he have a butthole? We'll never know. Rapists don't like that. They're go-getters. They don't take no for an answer. My motherfucking boy, Hans Kim. What the fuck? Holy shit. Every single week, a brand new minute. Absolute destruction every fucking time. Thank you, Tony. I love the way you say thank you, Tony.

I love it. Makes me heart as a fucking little rocket. I love it. Hans, how's this week been going for you? It's been fantastic. I just did acid two days ago. Wow, look at that. How did that go? What did you feel like? What did you see? I felt a pain in my tooth. Wow.

What kind of acid was this? The battery acid? I realized that I haven't been wearing my mouth guard, so I would grind my teeth and my back molars would get really impacted and then get affected. Goodness, look at you. That is the most Asian shit I've ever heard in my life. I forgot to put on my mouth guard. Hey, Hans, a couple weeks ago you brought a date here and then you made out with a girl in front of her. What happened to that date? Are you still talking to that girl or is she... Yeah, good she's right there.

Oh, wow. Look at that. Have you guys been having sex? No. Why? She lives in San Antonio, so... Okay, but on nights when you guys hang out, why aren't you guys fucking? Last week was the first time and this is the second time, so I'm hoping to make some moves tonight. Oh, what kind of moves are you thinking about making? What are we talking about? What would a guy like you do if you wanted to close the deal? What would you say to her?

I'd be like, hey, you want to go watch some Planet Earth upstairs? Oh, shit. Damn. You call your dick Planet Earth. I love that. That works. You have an upstairs in your van that you live in? You just try to trick them. You're like, okay, we're upstairs now. And now we're upstairs.

These aren't the droids you're looking for. Oh. Take off your pants. I love it. So Hans, famously, you have been kissing hot girls on this show for the last five, I believe, five weeks in a row. This week, we have had made, I don't know if you've ever seen anything quite like this before, but this is an I Kissed Hans Kim official Kill Tony t-shirt. So I don't know, even though you're on a fucking date for some reason,

on a show where you're notoriously a slut, I don't know, I figured maybe I'd give the shirt out if there was a girl out there in the audience that wanted to come up and make out with Hans Kim. Oh, Hans is, Hans is, we've never seen Hans call his shot like this. Hans is pulling a Babe Ruth right now. Wait a second. I don't think maybe she doesn't want to. Is that what it is?

Do you think I'm ugly? Are you going to come on stage and shove your... Come on, do it! Whoa! This way. She just dabbed. Come on, come on. Oh, shit!

It's me upon the open. Whoa! Whoa! Wait, that wasn't a real kiss. That wasn't a real kiss. That wasn't a real kiss. No, no, no. Get back up here.

No, get up here. Get up here. That wasn't real. That wasn't real. Come up and get committed. She can go back to fucking Sissy, Texas with that attitude. Come on. Holy smokes.

What the fuck is going... You got to make out with them. What are these... That's a shitty kiss. That was the most awkward shit I've ever seen in my life. No, Jimmy, hold on a second. Let me take over here for a second. I have never in the history of the show seen weaker kisses from girls

than these two kisses that I... Is there a girl in this audience that wants to come up here and fucking make out with Hans Kim? There's got to be a hero. Yeah, come up here and play a game of toss a hockey with this kid. What kind of shit is this? Do you have any only fans to promote? This is a good time.

Someone's going to get this t-shirt. There seems to be some movement from up there. Someone's coming. Okay. You're going to see Hans Kim... Maybe his date will come down. A month ago, Hans wasn't getting any girls to kiss him at all and now it's a weekly ordeal.

This guy knows how to make out too. Is this happening? Yeah. Oh shit. Oh shit, dude. Oh shit. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here.

That ain't right. Oh shit. Wow. Good God. Oh my God. Holy shit. Here you go. God damn.

God damn. I'd suck the luck nuts off the truck that drove her panties to the car. Wait, wait, wait. Get back up here. Hold on a second. Hold on, you're one of my favorite characters. Wait, who's this chick? You have to make out with Hans too if you want to come up here.

Oh shit. Oh my God. All right, all right, all right. Everybody settle down. All right, all right. Hans is going to wake up with a little potato flakes in his pubes tomorrow morning. There's nothing funnier to me right now than the disappointed face of the Virgin sitting right here in the front.

It's like you got to be fucking kidding me, man. Wow. God damn. You ladies are cool as hell. How does it feel making out with Hans? Grab this microphone. It feels great. Wow.

You want to do a minute? It's clean, right? I said you want to do a couple of minutes? Oh. No, Jimmy, no. Don't ask me to do stand up. No, Jimmy. Fuck.

The guests always start misbehaving when the hot chicks make out with Hans. Jesus. This is a new weekly ordeal. Jesus, I'm stiffered at a gay sale or a Ricky Martin concert right now, bro. Jesus Christ. A gay sailor at a Ricky Martin concert. Oh my God. Are these yellow rose girls?

Are you from the yellow rose, red rose? Yes. Wow. This is what I'm talking about. Now we're cooking with guests. Unbelievable. The best fucking strip clubs in the world. Most beautiful women ever, right?

It is incredible. Fuck. Hans, how do you feel right now? I feel like I have to contain myself right now. Well, that's what the van is for later. When you're, you can picture, try to remember their faces when you're fucking the girl that you're on this boring ass date on tonight. It's a good thing he's wearing his sponge underpants.

I'll tell you that. Yeah. Asians are good at math. So let me tell you, two 10s is better than a six. I love it. My favorite is looking at the faces of the women that know they're not 10s just like, they realize I'm looking at them and then they fake laugh. Well, they're more than welcome to join us tonight.

Hey, look at that. Hell yeah. What do you think? Can we get her to confirm? Will you let these ladies join? Come on down. Yeah. Kiss the girls.

Jesus Christ. This is why we are the greatest live podcast in the world here in Austin, Texas. Austin, Texas. Now, let me remind you, none of this is set up. This is the actual girl. Oh, shit. I'm in danger. That's me.

Baby, baby, baby. Oh, my God. Holy. Wait a second. Oh, shit. Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah.

This is incredible. All right. What about the other girl? What about the other girl? Wait, what about this one? Four ways. Four ways. Wait.

Kiss me. And you want to get out of your head. Oh, shit. Take our baby with you. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. Is this kill Tony? Is this Jerry Springer? What's going on, bro? I love it.

What's going on? This is fucking kill Boney. Everybody in the room's heart is a rock right now. Look at the look on Hans Kim's face, everybody. I don't think it's... Ah! Wow. Look at this.

I like your date now. Your date has a good sense of humor. How many of you think Hans should fuck all of them tonight? Yeah. All right. That's it. The orders have been given. Make the fans proud, Hans.

Yeah. And now we're half after they fuck them. They're going to be horny again. This is the most pussy an Asian man has ever gotten. Ladies and gentlemen, guys, this was a brand new minute in an interview with the great Austin Zone Hans Kim, everybody. Wow. Yikes.

Oh, my God. He's still going. Oh, my God. He's going to kiss them all on their way out. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Come on, one more time for Hans Kim, everybody. Oh, yeah. You're going to have to explain to your grandkids one day when you're showing them this video. You're going to be like, I swear there was a global pandemic going on. It didn't make any sense. There's more fucking antibodies on this stage right now than there's a Chinese phone book. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you, Red Band, for putting that cherry on top.

Jesus. You guys having fun out there? Very obviously, dreams come true on this show. Hans Kim. I mean, wow. What a star. All right. I don't know how anyone's going to follow that, but we're going to try it.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Craig Fergola, everyone. Craig Fergola, ladies and gentlemen. Craig Fergola, ladies and gentlemen. Oh. Craig Fergola. Wow. Time for Craig, everybody.

Pang Dan fucked up. That could have been him. I got called racist the other day and not for any of the obvious reasons you'd see when you look at my face. My friends wanted to go out to dinner, and I said, no. They said, you're racist. You don't support minority-owned businesses. I said, it's 9.30 in the morning. I don't want to eat fried catfish right now.

That's all this says. Like, what do you do to split minority-owned businesses? I said, I buy top shelf drugs. I had a $200 a day habit for like four years. What are you doing? If you buy your drugs off white people, you're racist and bad at buying drugs. I don't know which ones were, so honestly. In my America, no bigots and learn how to buy a good bag of smack.

You maybe won't be so racist anymore. White drug dealers always say shit like, you can pay me when you see me next time. When that slang for this shit sucks, you're going to be back in half an hour for more. My dealer's like, we're going to need that money up front, because you're probably going to OD and die off this shit. Yeah, Craig Fajola! Craig, welcome to the show. Is this your first time on here?

Yeah, first time on here. Awesome. I love it. What kind of drugs were you buying at $200 a day? Yeah, I was a pretty bad heroin addict for a while. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. All right.

How long were you on heroin for? Yeah, like four years. Did you do anything cool? Did you write music or anything? I got arrested a bunch of times. I don't know how cool that is, but... Did you shoot it up or snorted? Snorted, smoked it.

Wow. Jesus. He actually just featured from another club. Oh, cool. We worked together all week. He's a professional comedian. All right. I love it.

I love it. Thanks, Jimmy. Okay. So, just heroin? Was that the only drug? I mean, I did everything, but that was my main one. What's the most extreme high you've ever gotten? Was it just smoking heroin or snorting it or what?

Yeah, snorting it. Yeah. And, like, what happened? Like, what's the craziest shit you've ever done? Well, I got a DUI on heroin. Wow. Were you drunk as well? No, I just fell asleep and hit a guardrail in front of a cop.

Oh. They pull you over almost immediately. Oh, hell yeah. My goodness. Yeah, it's easy to pull you over when you do it yourself. I pulled myself over, actually, because he was right there. And I'm like, wow, he's got me at this point. Exactly.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I'm 38 now. I started when I was 30 back in Maine, and then I took, like, four years off to just do drugs. Yeah. Been here for, like... And now he's back. And now he's back, ladies and gentlemen.

I've been here for, like, four years. Incredible. He's back. 38 years old. 38 years old. Four years is a heroin addict, and you look the same as a 24-year-old that was on earlier. It's incredible. That sea air growing up in Maine, it keeps you young.

Oh, okay. And he's fucking hilarious. He worked with me all weekend. He's fucking hilarious. Yeah, we get it, Jimmy. We get it. He worked with you. He's hilarious.

Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy loves heroin. Yeah. Hell yeah. What part of town do you live in? I live on Riverside. Okay. What's your favorite part about Austin, Texas?

I'm a big fan of the creek. In this place, too, but I work over at the creek a lot. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. No, I probably maybe shouldn't have said that. We love the creek, no? And the Roma Room, too. We support everywhere.

The Roma Room. Rogan's new club. Fucking everything. We love it all. Absolutely. Craig, what do you do for fun now that you're not on heroin? How do you fill that void? I do a lot of stand-up.

I read. I fish. Jesus. Anything interesting? No, not really. Wow. I didn't realize reading cured a heroin addiction. Yeah.

I didn't think it was that easy. How'd you kick the habit? I just stopped. Okay. Wow. Went to the detox for like three days and then just didn't want to go on like methadone and that shit. Three days so you can break at any time.

Yeah, yeah. How long has it been? Oh, it's been like four years since I've been in Austin. Okay. Well, I got some good news for you. We have some pure heroin here. Black tar? Hell yeah.

Dreams come true here on Kill Tony. I mean, I still drink like a fuck. I mean. You have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? No, not really. Okay. Really? No.

All right. Very fun. What's your love life like? Anything going on there? I got a girlfriend, but she's like, she moved home because of the pandemic. So we're like. She moved back to Maine? No.

She doesn't play now. Oh, okay. She probably looks exactly like you then, huh? No, she's. Those Plano girls are a little bit rough around the edges. She's not as, she's not as much younger as the guy who had the woman shipped over in the box of the air holes in it, but she is like, I'm 14 years older than her. Okay.

So. All right, Craig. Geez, relax. The heroin energy. What else interesting about your life, your life's history, anything, your family is something that happened at school and award something. You've done something with your life. I took second in state and wrestling my senior year in high school.

Yeah. But that's Maine wrestling. Yeah. Well, you said that's about as interesting as it gets. Yeah. There's like two wrestlers in Maine. Is that a mole on your cheek or you burn yourself with a cigarette or something? No.

Yeah. It's a mole. It's a mole. They called it a beauty mark when I was growing up, but they weren't. Yeah. It's not really a beauty. I get it. Yeah.

All right, Craig. Well, your stand up was good. You're about as interesting as a fucking bucket of water. Yeah. But here you go. Here's a joke book. Get the fuck out of here. There you go.

Oh. Let's keep it moving along. Let's get a real freak up here. Make some noise for your next comedian. I believe it's our first lady of the night. It's G.N. Trapaniere. G.N. Trapaniere. Yeah.

Here we go. Yeah. Here she comes. All right. Make some noise one more time for G.N. Trapaniere. Quick look down to make sure I zipped up the side of my pants. Give it up for yourselves, everyone. You look beautiful.

You look great. Thank you for moving to Austin. You made this town swipe writable, if you know what I mean. Before it was a left, left, left, left, kind of a right. Now it's right, right, right, right, right, right. All of you, right, right, right. Anyway, give it up for COVID, the real fucking guest of honor tonight. Round of applause.

We're not going to be somewhere. We're not sure. I don't have it. I know that. I tested negative. And I can tell you that is the first time. That's the, I haven't prayed so hard for a negative test since the eighth grade. If I'm being real, Tony, you know, and I didn't want, I was really nervous that everybody would find out my secret at middle school graduation, right.

I didn't want to walk around the stage. Now that's what I let the vice principal believe because I was catfishing him. Okay. Gian Trapiniere with a minute of standup comedy. Okay. Give it up for yourselves. Thank you for moving to Texas. Give it up for COVID.

Something, something left, left, right, right, right, right. And I haven't prayed for a negative test since the eighth grade. Why would you want a negative test in the eighth grade? Depends on the test, but. It doesn't. It doesn't make any sense. What test did you guys think it was? Yeah.

That's the joke. No, nobody thought that. No, nobody thought. Nobody laughed. I'm built like an altar boy, I guess. If you were built like an altar boy, I'd be more into you. You know what I'm saying? I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm joking, Gian. I hear you. Gian, I loved you as John Travolta's wife in the movie Face Off. Thank you. I don't know. Actually, no, it was Nicholas Cage's girlfriend. Even I fucked it up.

Your energy. Everybody fucks up their jokes when you're on stage. That's cool. I love it. Very few female comedians wear backwards jeans on the show, so I'm excited that you're here. A lot of people wear their pants. I had them unzipped earlier, and I was like, why is my hips so cold? Gian, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Okay, so a month. However. No, I didn't tell. No, I did stand up after college in LA for a little while, but I lived in Austin. That was another lifetime, it feels like. How long ago did you move to Austin? I just moved here about eight years ago. Eight years ago.

For Joe Rogan. Wow. Are you on heroin right now? No, no, no. It's incredible. This is natural to me. She got into a quiz for Joe as baggy, bro. I sell it.

This is natural to me. I sell it in a bottle if you want it. Okay. On my mind. Hit me up on my only fans. Gian, hell yeah. You have cat lady energies. How many cats do you have?

Zero. Really? You have animals? So I did have cats when I was a kid. Real story, I had cats when I was a kid, but if you don't spare, neuter them, they get pregnant no matter what. So if you have two cats that go out in the wild, this is real. Gian, shut the fuck up.

Jesus Christ. Oh my God, you're so annoying. It's incredible. I love you, Tony. What do you do for work? We'll say construction. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why would you say construction?

Why would you do that in a million years? Because it's true. I fucking work in construction. Because she's not finished. Okay. Even if you did do construction, why would you say that we will say construction? Why would you just say construction? I don't know that you would buy that.

I think you would buy that. I don't think. You're giving me like sides. You already made fun of my laugh. Come on. Oh my God. My calls are out on. Gian, this is incredible.

I love you and you're Western. What do you do really? What do you really do? I do work in construction. What do you do in construction? What do you do? Do you work with a crane? She's a check with the sign.

Whatever they need. I work for my brother's company. Stop. Okay. So like what do you end up doing? Stop. Like what type of... Anything they ask because I'm the little sister.

So what do you end up doing? So what do they ask for Gian? Everything. There goes Gian Trapiniere, everybody. There she goes. Here you go. There you go. Unbelievable.

Ho! Oh my God. All right. All right. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. God damn it. Can't answer basic fucking questions.

Everything. Everything. That lady is going to be single and die alone forever. I promise you. That's horrible, Joni. Oh, it's horrible indeed. Everything about her is horrible. Did she get out the personality of a gay snail?

I mean, oh my God. Well, what does your brother ask you to do? Everything. I bet not jokes. I bet he doesn't want to hear many of those. Give it up for yourselves. Give it up for COVID. Thank you for moving here.

God. Oh. Jesus fucking Christ. And by the way, still the seventh funniest female comedian in the world right now, by the way. That's how crazy comedy is. It's a drought. There's a drought.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Winston Shaw, everyone. Winston Shaw. Jesus Christ. I swear to God. I swear to God. If she doesn't change in here in a second, I'm bringing Hans Kim back up here to make out with more girls. Oh.

All right. This is Winston Shaw. Let's give him a nice fresh start. Anything can happen. This is Winston Shaw. What's up, Austin? How are we doing? I shouldn't have fucked up like that last girl.

Okay. Let's see the elephant out of the room. This is a very old fashioned name. I'm well aware. I've been told by several people. I have not met another human named Winston in my entire life. I'm from Tennessee. It's fucking dogs, cats, and fucking chicken last week.

Not a lie. Okay. People assumed a name after Winston Churchill, which I wish was the case. I didn't go to school very long. I don't know too much, but apparently he was a hero. I don't know which side he fought for, but it was in a war and he was good at it. I wish that was the case. Unfortunately, I'm actually named after the cigarettes my mother smoked.

When she was pregnant with me. Yeah. A little bit about me. Nice to meet you all. Middle name is Minthal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Some people feel bad though when I tell them that. Oh God, that sucks. You do not feel bad for me. You join me in feeling bad for my little brother. His name is Newport and his middle name is 100s. I count my fucking blessings. You know, I am not complaining. Face time.

Fuck yeah. Winston Shaw. Good stuff, my friend. Thank you, buddy. You got there. We got there somehow, some way. I love it. You are adorable.

Thank you. How long has it been since you graduated from Hogwarts? Look at you. You young wizardly looking fellow you. How old are you? I turned 22 today. 22 years. This is your birthday today?

Wow. Yeah. Look at that. What an exciting show this is. I love it Winston. How long have you been on stand up? Like 16 months. Okay.

16 months. You're counting it like it's a baby. Yeah. Not a year and a half or so, but 16 months. I love it. Goo Goo Gaga. I love it. What do you do for work?

You a bag boy at an HEB? No. I actually, I sold cell phones for a long ass time. You sold cell phones for a long time? Yeah. Okay. What kind of cell phones? Whatever was paying.

It was on commission. So it was like I'd sell a fucking flip phone if it paid. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. All right. Jesus.

You sound like you'd suck a dick to sell a cell phone. I mean fucking anything, Tony. Fucking flip phone. You get way over. What does selling cell phones mean? Usually you're like I work for T-Mobile or Verizon. Right. Yeah.

Tell us more about the setup. He worked at a kiosk in a mall, right? No. No God, no. No. That was a... Hell no. That's the bottom of the barrel out there.

That's bad news. Yeah. That was like the kind of cell phones you're selling. You're on your way out when you're at the kiosk. Yeah. So it's like they don't tell you that you're a salesman. You just have to like Verizon like contracts like outside salespeople to sell phones for them.

Wow. So yeah. It's fun stuff. A lot of people coming in from AT&T and going fuck AT&T. Get me this fucking. Yeah. And you convince them that you're the best. Yeah.

And then they get their first bill and cut you out. Okay. So you're 22 years old. You live here. Born and raised here in Austin? No. I moved here five days ago. From where?

Memphis, Tennessee. Wow. That's the home of William Montgomery. Our lights out the closer. Yeah. I love that. You know about William Montgomery. He's a legend there.

Oh yeah. We went to the same school. I got kicked out. He graduated. Right. Yeah. What did you get kicked out of school for? There's like this thing.

If you're on academic probation, you have to do your homework in like this room and I went to Chick-fil-A instead. Oh, I can't blame you on that, dude. Yeah. We all love Chick-fil-A here. Yeah. Chick-fil-A. I had their breakfast today.

It was great. It's the best. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This is our chief fat correspondent, Brian Redbaugh. Hey. By the way, don't sleep on Chick-fil-A breakfast, man.

That's right. There you go. Thank you. So Winston, you're 22 years old. Tell us, what are 22-year-olds doing for fun nowadays? Smoking pot. What else? What do you do after you smoke pot?

You just sit there? Yeah. Have a panic attack, pretty much. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. How long have you been smoking pot for? Oh, man.

Still like 17, I think. Okay. It's a little bit. But there's nothing you like to do afterwards? No. It's like to battle the anxiety. That's just like, that's the day. Really?

Yeah. Wow. Okay. Sometimes you just got to be scared. And when you're not smoking pot, anything else that you do at all in the world? I used to be a boxer. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah.

You're a boxer? I used to be. Oh, my God. Yeah. Jesus Christ. It was a nightmare. Yeah. His sponsors used to advertise on the bottom of his shoes.

Ding! Eat a Joe's. You do seem like you would suck at boxing. How about we get a little bit of, how about we get a little bit of Rocky music? Let's show us, put the mic in the mic stand. Show us some of your shadow boxing here. Yeah. Let's see what we got here.

Oh, shit. Wow. Oh, wow. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Wow. For those of you just listening to the podcast, the shadow one, that's incredible.

He just lost around a 10, eight round to the shadow. That was like watching Logan Paul and Floyd Mayweather fight. Because the shadow one, that's just good old funny. Either way, you cut it right there. Winston, what's your love life like? You seem like you would come by pulling your zipper down. Yeah. You a premature ejaculator?

It was a, no. I mean, what's premature? I think that's like a subjective thing. It's a guy. Guy looks like he's been beating off like migs from silence in the lambs. Silence of the lambs. What did migs say to you, Clarice? Oh, it stings.

Oh, my God. Come on. Tell us about your love life. What's it like? Oh, it was decent in Tennessee. Down here, I haven't met nobody. Really? Because there's nothing but hot chick.

After hot chick and fucking Austin. Oh, there's a lot. I can see how you can have a tough time. One of the hot chicks that. I got news for you. I've been walking around this town. I got whiplash like we're at Roseanne Bar's refrigerator. Oh, my God.

Hot pussy. Hot pussy. Hot pussy. How do you do it? Jimmy. Jesus. Danielle Rawlings. Stop putting the mic.

Yeah. Dropping the mics a little bit rough in the podcast world. But it's okay. Jimmy can get away with anything. We'll edit it out. We'll edit it out. It'll make a silly noise when it hits. Just a zooka.

Winston, what else about your life? Are your parents really like trashy? They really name you like after cigarettes? Like what are we talking about here? So like they tell me they didn't, but mom's like a chimney. So I don't doubt it, you know. She's like a chimney because a lot of black stuff goes inside of her. Oh, come on.

I don't know. I'm just trying to make it a comedy show, people. You can grown all you want. You assholes. Fucking pussies. So quick. That's right. That was quick.

Thank you. Winston enjoyed it more than you fucks. I just switched from the word fag to fucks there. I just said I didn't go too hard. I'm allowed to say that word because I get called it regularly. She's like a chimney. My guys that look like the Virgin here. She's like a chimney.

She's like a chimney because she has a guy come in once a month just to sweep it. Okay. Okay. Jimmy. Sorry. Nobody's getting their chimneys cleaned anymore, Jimmy. Who does that? Jimmy lived when there was actual chimney sweepers.

Mary Poppins, huh? Bro, it's a real job. Don't fuck yourself. All right. Winston, incredible stuff for 16 months. I loved it. You did jokes. You got there.

You made fun of yourself. Thank you, man. You made fun of your life. We learned about you in the 60 seconds. This is a real big joke book from Bonsai Winston. Happy birthday, dude. How about a big hand for Winston Shaw, everybody? What do you think?

Back to the bucket one more time, huh? What's your story? You having fun tonight, tough guy? Look at this New Yorker right here. The fuck out of here. Are you from New York? Are you from New York? Jersey.

It's a fireman. You know that guy? No, I can tell him. All right. You're drunk. Red Band's officially drunk, everybody. Charlie Brangus, your final bucket comedian of the night. Charlie Brangus, everyone.

Here we go. Here comes Charlie, boy. Little Charlie Brangus. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise one more time for Charlie Brangus. How's it going, guys? Before I get started, I just want to take a moment to be serious. Right before I got up on stage, I got a phone call from one of my relatives,

and she let me know that my grandfather's no longer here with us. So tonight I want to take this opportunity to dedicate my set. I don't have a beer or anything, but I want to dedicate my set to my abuelito. I just want him to know that he will always be here in spirit. Here's guys. He didn't die or anything. Motherfucker just got deported. What up, Vulcan Gas Company?

How you guys doing tonight? Austin, Texas. I come from a small town called Laguna Heights. If anybody says they come from Laguna Heights, they either do drugs, they sell drugs, or if you're lucky enough, they do both. Can you guess which one I am? The Snitch. That's right. Who said that? That's my time, guys. Thank you.

There you go, Charlie Brangus. Wow. I mean, we're really getting some heavy hitters tonight. 44 seconds in. What up, Vulcan Gas Company? 44 seconds out of a possible 60 seconds. Yeah. You spent, I believe that measures out to, I think about like 72% of your set lying about your dead.

I wrote it down. Wadito. W-A-D-I-T-O is how the white man spells that. It's all right. So that we can enunciate it properly afterwards. Wadito. So do you have a grandfather? Yeah. And he's alive and well.

He got deported. He's running the cartel now. Okay. Let's just stay serious here, all right? I swear. You swear. I swear. When did he get deported? Just last week. I don't believe anything you're saying.

You shouldn't. But did he really get deported last week? No, I'm just joking. Okay. Well, don't joke anymore. You didn't want to do it during your set, so let's not start now. It's too easy sometimes. Sometimes you people roast yourselves. I just put a period on the end.

Charlie, is your grandfather alive and well and in the United States of America? Um, are the fans watching? Charlie, this is not going well. I implore you to listen to the questions that I'm asking and answer honestly. Okay. Let's try it again.

You remember the question that I asked you? No. It's about your grandpa. Yeah. You remember the rest of it? Is he alive and well in the United States? No, he's not alive and well in the United States. Is he dead?

He's dead. Okay. When did he die? A couple of years ago. Oh my God. Jesus. There you go. Thank you. Charlie, what do you do for work? I work at an axe place, axe throwing place,

or if anybody wants to go down in South Austin. Okay. Can you make yourself the target when you get to work tomorrow? I'll take a... How long have you been on stand up? How long have you been on stand up comedy, Charlie? Two years. I took a year off and this is my first day back. Wow.

I think it's time to take another year off, Charlie. Is there any redeeming qualities about you or is there anything that you could say right now that'll make the audience like you or cheer or anything? I'll take an application of the Rogan. I know you won't. I wash mean dishes, bro. You're going to be throwing axes for the rest of your lives.

I guess so. I promise you. Charlie, I find you to be the worst type of human to sign up for the show. Not only was your set morbid, it was also a tremendous big lie where I'm having trouble getting real answers out of you during this part. So let it be a lesson for everyone pulled out of the bucket. Don't do that shit.

But I'm going to send you on your way. Charlie, bring us. We're going to go to this bucket one more time. The bucket! So many people signed up. We've had some real stinkers. Not even a small joke book for you, by the way. You just keep walking, dude. I'm sending it to your grandfather.

Okay. This young lady famously... Believe it or not, her and Hans Kim were not dating, but they were hanging out for a little while. She's been on the show multiple times in Los Angeles and here in Austin. This is a new minute from Isabella Charlton, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

A real Austin comedian. I'm getting the cutthroat symbols. Is she not here anymore? No? Isabella! She left? Wow. That sucks. Sucks for her.

Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Tyler Braun, everyone. Tyler Braun. There he comes. Hell yeah. Look at this fucking guy. Come on. It's your final comedian out of the bucket tonight. This is Tyler Braun. Hey, everybody. How's it going? I just got this sweet new cell phone.

It comes with all these nice new features, you know? Turns out you can disable those amber alerts you guys are getting all the time. Does that make me an asshole? I mean, what do they really expect me to do? Turn around and bring them back? I've almost got enough to start the fight club, guys. I got to see this through.

I'm a math teacher for a living. I teach school children. Yeah. I work at these specialized facilities for at-risk youth, or as I call them, recruiting centers. Yeah, it's a good job. I did move here to Austin, Texas, because they had me teaching virtually, and then they fired me immediately.

Yeah. Turns out I don't like you saying dirty shit about the kids on stage. That's terrible. So yeah, if anybody needs their dick sucked over the show, let me know. A little short on cash. Waiting for that. Meryl. All right. Tyler Braun.

You look like a Tyler Braun. Look at you. Thanks, man. Hell yeah. How you doing, man? How old are you? 31. Okay. How long have you been on stand-up? About two months. Two months. What made you start now? I mean, if we're being honest, everyone came here for, you know, Joe Rogan.

I moved here from Hawaii two months ago. You really moved here because Joe Rogan said he moved here? Well, yeah. I mean, the Austin comedy scene is blowing up because of him, so it's not like I was like, oh, I'm in love with Joe. Yeah. No, I get it, but you moved here strategically because the comedy scene is getting big here. Yes, sir. Hell yeah.

And you've been listening to Joe's podcast for a long time, even though you listen, obviously you skip all the health parts. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. When he's talking about kettlebells and shit, yeah, we have him here actually right now. Joe, you saw his set. Is there anything that you'd like to say about his set? Kids' ideas are so stupid.

Oh, wow. That's interesting. What do you think about his joke about virtual learning? That's not healthy. Right. He has a real position on that. Yeah, I don't have to get up to go to the car. If you could ask Joe any question in the world right now, what would it be? You've been a fan for a long time. Yeah, I mean, what did the mechanical elves tell you

on the other side of that DMT trip? Jesus. There you go. Okay. All right, Tyler. I love it. You're really a math teacher? Yes, sir. Perfect. You're shaped like a rhombus, so that makes complete sense. I love it.

I love it. I love it. How long have you been teaching math for? Why math? I went to school for mechanical engineering. Sold a bunch of drugs. Found my way out to Thailand teaching scuba. You went to Thailand? Yeah.

How was it over there? It was beautiful. Did you come back with a wife? No, not as lucky as that guy. You have a wife? You have a girlfriend? No, not currently. No? Really? Yeah.

Oh, why do you think that is? How long have you been single for? This time around, I don't know, maybe six months. Okay. I broke up with a girl that I was dating in Florida. Put the mic closer to your mouth. Yeah, I was dating a girl in Florida. I took off to Thailand, and I was like, yeah, this is a one-way trip, babe.

Sorry, this isn't going to work out. Wow. And then I've been kind of a, yeah, I've been kind of a dirtbag since. What do you mean, you dirtbag? What does that mean? Well, I don't know. I just, I'm lying, actually. I've been the opposite. I haven't really wanted to have sex with anybody that wasn't going to take seriously, so I'm in that, like, two-picky stage.

But then, obviously, like, what business am I going to be in, picky? Oh, you're a sweetheart. Okay. All right, Ben, thank you. Tyler, so you have any special skills or talents? You good at anything? You just started stand-up two months ago. What have you been doing up until this point?

You play music or anything? No, just been out hitting the springs, and I came last week prepared with a Rubik's Cube. You brought a Rubik's Cube with you? I fucked up this week, though. You're a Rubik's Cube kind of guy? I'm one of those guys, yeah. Wow.

Yeah, because that's hilarious when a guy solves one of those. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. It's a silly skill. I love it. How long can you, like, you know, if you were to, like, solve a Rubik's Cube, how long does it usually take? About a minute.

I'm not one of those freaks that can do it in 10 seconds, but... Really? A minute? Yeah, that's why I figured it'd be a good time. Just incredible. Incredible stuff, Tyler. Wonderful stuff. Wonderful stuff.

I love it. What else? Like, what else about you? Any fun facts about your life? What would we be interested to find out about you? Like I said, I mean, I sold drugs, and that, you know, funded my traveling around the world. I did a bunch of European...

Come on, we've all sold fucking drugs. You boring fucks tonight. Jesus Christ. So, I backpacked on your... Where'd you move from? Where'd you come here from? Hawaii. Hawaii.

Okay. And you lived there your whole life? No, just the past three years. I moved there from Thailand. Okay. Scuba diving, yeah. What'd you move there for? Scuba diving.

I got a job offer for one. You're a scuba diver? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. At the bottom, huh? Yeah, very easy. Jiminy crickets, a pile of crickets. My God, this is incredible.

Scuba diving. Yes, sir. Lots of fun. Jesus fucking Christ, man. Hangin' out with Nemo. You do anything like... You do anything fun since you moved here to Austin? What's your favorite part of Austin?

I did a little bike riding down on the villa way. Saw some deer, some rabbits, and that's fun. Yeah, what'd you do to them? You can tell, right? You know. I don't know what to do with these people. Yeah. I don't know what to do.

Tyler, Jimmy, you have anything else for Tyler? What do you think about this guy? Tyler, thanks for coming out. Thanks. I think I should close the show with an actual minute of stand-up comedy. There it is. Oh, you want to? You want to do a minute?

Tyler, there goes Tyler Braun. Tyler, here you go. Take one of these. Come on, Tyler, buddy. There you go. There you go. Tyler Braun. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute of stand-up comedy.

From the great, the powerful, Jimmy Schubert, everybody. Oh! Austin, fucking great to be here. I love that nobody's wearing a mask. You know, people are like fucking... Some people wear a mask, other people don't want to wear a mask. I like the people that walk around with their nose hanging over the top of the mask. It's like, what the fuck are you even doing?

That's like putting a condom over your balls. That doesn't make any fucking sense. You gotta wear the fucking mask. You ever drink coffee all day and sneeze into the mask? That's the new shit in your pants. It's like, fuck, I can't wear this fucking thing. I've had it up to here with this shit. I'm ready for a Chinese hooker from Wuhan province,

with an itchy crotch and a runny nose to sneeze right in my fucking face. Let's get it over with. I can't fucking live like this shit. What the fuck happened to us? I mean, what happened to us? I just wanted a cup of coffee this morning at the Starbucks. I drink coffee because I'm American. I've got shit to do.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! I'm not European. I don't have three hours in the middle of the afternoon to dick off and sit around and sip espresso. Bonjour, come and tell me if I'll get the fuck out of my way. I want some coffee. I'm standing in front of the house. I have a triple passion fruit, tea latte with soy milk,

no sugar added, some sugar free vanilla, with a pump of almond syrup, two pumps raspberry, a little foam, a little revente. It's like, why don't you just order a cup of sperm, you fucking weirdo? It's a coffee shop. Thank you. Good night. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on.

You didn't do my favorite joke of all time. Jimmy... Favorite joke. So this morning, I go to get breakfast here in Austin. I go to this fucking diner. You don't get to fucking twist my arm, Tony. All right? I open the refrigerator, the light comes on, I do 15 minutes.

That's the kind of entertainer I am. I'm at the breakfast place. They had a thing on a menu called a protein scramble, and that sounds healthy. Then they read the ingredients. Basically, it's an egg omelet with chunks of chicken meat in it. It's a chicken omelet. Which is fucking raw.

You don't take the eggs out of the chicken, and then cook the chicken and put it in the eggs. That's too much chicken. Who the fucks back there cooking some kind of chicken cereal killer? People, that's an omelet that spans two generations of chicken. That's not breakfast. That's a vendetta. Who the fucks ordering breakfast, Tony Soprano?

I want the chicken dead. I want his family dead. I want his unborn baby's dead. I want his fucking chicken coop burned to the ground. That's not right. That's like taking your hamburger and dipping it into your milk. That's not right. I like chicken.

I just don't like it in eggs. That's the creepy part. I'm a meat eater. God made animals slow and catchy, obviously intended for us to eat them. Besides that, what's the fun in hunting a vegetable? Anybody can sneak up on a carrot. I don't even trust vegetables to get the nutrients from the dirt.

I'm going, yeah, would you eat dirt? No. Then why eat the fucking middleman? That's what I'm saying. Some of that shit's not even food. Celery, that's not food. That's dental floss trapped inside a carbohydrate. And I was reading about celery.

Celery's actually fucking dangerous. It's classified as a negative calorie food. There's two calories in one stick of celery. But if you eat it, it takes your body 10 calories to process it. You could kill yourself eating celery. I mean, if that's all you ate, sir, I'm fucking joking. This guy's staring at me looking for the National Celery Growers Association. I didn't come to Austin to badmouth celery.

To tell you the truth, now that you're bringing up, celery does have one good use. According to Peter North. Ah, a couple of people working a very healthy online porn addiction. For the rest of you Christians, Peter North happens to be a very famous male porno star. He's known for the amount of fluid that comes out during climax. It's quite substantial and pretty impressive.

And he does it on a consistent basis. A couple of years ago, he's in Vegas at the Adult Video Awards. And they asked him, they said, Peter, what's your secret? He said, lots and lots and lots of celery. It's a water-based vegetable. It acts as a natural viagra. It just fills me up. I don't even have a joke for that.

I'm just passing along the information. I'm putting it on a shop list for the special occasion. Jimmy Mother fucking shoot that lady. Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's right. That's what you do. That's respect. That's how it works.

Woo. Booyah. Booyah. Chicken omelet, by the way, is one of my favorite stand-up comedy jokes of all time. Famously now for, I mean, you're just a monster. I should have mentioned we do have one more comedian, Jimmy. We have one more regular. That was perfect, though. That was perfect.

This guy's a closer. Ladies and gentlemen, this. You guys have been fans of the show for a while. I'm sure some of you know this guy is the longest standing regular in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody. Normally at this point, I'm joking about having COVID,

but I actually have mono right now, so let's just keep it moving. The best part about drinking with twins is you can drink twice as much, and it'll soak up the same. Hey, Red Band, remember the times before trains? It's when I ran wagons on your great-grandmother. What's the difference between the Taliban and the Democratic Party? I don't donate money to the Democratic Party.

Joe Biden asks his son, Hunter Biden, what they should do about this Afghanistan debacle, and Hunter replied, maybe I should beg my dead brother's widow. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, this is William Montgomery, everybody. A new minute every single week for years, and somehow he still smashes the hammer. He's got brand new eyebrows.

What are you talking about? Those are beautiful eyebrows. They look really good. I don't know what you all are talking about. They match your beard so well. I love them. It matches perfectly. Is that the fuck up? I don't think it does.

Is your hair in a ponytail tonight? It's not. It's just greased back. I love the shirt. It's real hard right now. Is that shirt from the JC Penney Unfuckable Collection? Where did you get that number? I think you gave Peter Max a headache. I stole it off of eBay.

Hey! William, I love that set. We missed Red Band and I missed that second joke you did that got a thunderous applause after the mono joke. Something about me. We were doing some production stuff. Can you repeat it one more time for us just so we can hear it?

Hey Red Band, remember the times before trains? It's when I ran wagons on your great-grandmother. Wow! That's me! Wow! That's great. That's great. Jesus, it was even funnier the second time. That's incredible. It's really funny when Red Band hears the joke

about his great-grandmother getting wagons run on her. That's incredible. She gave me marbles. There you go. She gave you marbles? Yeah, don't acknowledge it. William, we move forward. I like this new hat you have.

You have it on the mic stand. This is classy. Thank you so much. We are really embracing the Texas styles here. Have you gone? Did you go somewhere special to get that hat or that shirt or something? Yeah, I went to Walmart two days ago.

Yeah. Ended up stealing it. He's embraced the Texas fashion from the waist up from the waist down. He looks like an accountant. Yeah, that is true. You're wearing your father's belt tonight. That belt is not Texas at all.

It's like Bucky's on top, Kinko's down bottom. There you go. All right. What did you use to grease your hair back like that? It is a spray. It's an aerosol spray. Yeah? Yeah, I did it for like a minute or two earlier.

It's hard as a rock. It looks like there's a lot in there. I don't think you need to use that much. It's hard as a fucking rock right now. How hard is it? It's as hard as a fucking rock right now. Yeah? My hair is as hard as a fucking rock right now.

My hair is so fucking hard right now. It's like a fucking rock. It is so heavy. I can barely hold up my head. Are you wearing glitter? I do have glitter. We are seeing shades of glitter coming off of your face. Very sparkly tonight.

No. From the waist up, you're sparkly, bro. Were you making that with Hans Kim earlier? What's going on here? No, I don't know what you're talking about. What are you talking about? How'd you get glitter on your face? He was fighting a hooker earlier.

There's a substantial amount of glitter. You don't know about this? No. Oh, okay. Did your eyebrows tonight? There is fucking nothing on my face. There's nothing on my face. It really is, though.

You have glitter all over your face. I don't think I have anything on my fucking face. Why do you keep talking about it? Seriously, why do you keep talking about it, Redbean? I don't have shit on my face. It looks like my grandmother sat on your face earlier. Oh, my God. It's so stupid.

Why would your grandmother have glitter on her ass? Because she fucking works the pulse, man. Yikes. Zoinks. William, you do anything interesting this week? Oh, man, I did so much stuff. We found out a few weeks ago that you have a new addiction. You stopped drinking.

It's been months now, and you've filled your drinking addiction with an addiction to raisin bread from H-E-B. I have. How much raisin bread did you eat this week? A loaf and a half. I'm trying to wean myself off of it. It really is way too much. You ate a loaf and a half.

What did you do with the other half of that one loaf? I'll throw it away. You threw it away? Yeah. Does that work, or does the trash can talk to you after that? I know he thought about perhaps flushing it down the toilet or something like that. I will normally get it out of the trash can.

Yeah. I can picture you doing that. That's fun. What else this week? Anything else other than raisin bread? Just a bunch of ghosts in the apartment. Oh, yeah. This is true.

We've heard of this. William does believe that his apartment is haunted. It's haunted as shit. Yeah. What did you see this week? I see shit in my peripherals the entire time. I see shadow people. I'm not going to get it.

Are you sure it's just not eyebrow juice getting in your eye? No. Bro, it is haunted. There's an entity walking around his apartment that won't pay to rent. It's fucking scary. My roommate. That's the truth.

That was one of the worst improv moments I've ever seen in my life. Oh, my God. I love it. William, you have new eyebrows. You have a new style about you. How are you loving Austin, Texas? You feel good here? Yeah.

I have a new lease on life. Yeah. How long is the lease for? Yeah, I'm kidding. A couple of months. I have a couple of more months. Yeah. So you're going to buy raisin bread this week?

I probably will. I'm going to buy raisin bread this week. I probably will. I am really excited about it. I don't know if y'all eat it often. It is so delicious. How hard is your hair right now? It's as hard as a fucking rock.

Yeah. Bro, if someone went out, if someone got shot and a bolt went off, it would have said it would ricochet off. It's a good, it's a good, solid hairdo. I love it. William, you're an absolute legend on this show. You are just an unbelievable star. The way that you write, the way that you execute,

you set a standard for, I think, everyone. And we absolutely love you, William. How about a hand for William Montgomery, everybody? That's it. How about one more hand for the band, everybody? The Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony Band. Thank you to the Yellow Rose, the Red Rose, the incredible SoCo,

the SoCo Art Gallery. I'm gonna hand for the band again. These guys are phenomenal. Let them go, ladies and gentlemen. These guys are unbelievable. And how loud can this play skit for the legend, Jimmy Shuber, everybody? Tonight's drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Check that out.

All the way in Los Angeles, he drew that. That's tonight's episode. Wow. Jimmy Shuber. Me is Dracula. Red Band's a cat. All these prints are available at RyanJ. Ebel.com, including the new bingo cards.

Those bingo cards, by the way, have been going off to this chart. People are loving it. People are playing. People are actually hitting bingo. It's possible. It's all happening. Make sure you follow Jimmy Shuber on tour at JimmyShuber.com. That's S-H-U-B-E-R-T.

All one word. JimmyShuber.com. He's got a new special on there. It's all there. JimmyShuber.com. Get some merch. Get it done. Shout out to CM Smokehouse.

Shout out to Boneside. Cantina and Cantina. Crown Royal. And screwball peanut butter whiskey. And of course, how about one more time for the ladies of the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose? Really? Yeah!

And give yourselves a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming out. You are amazing. Get it again, everybody. That's another episode of Kill Tony. We hope you'll stick around. Hang out for a bit. We love you guys.

Good night, everybody. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

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