KILL TONY - #522 - CHRISTINA PAZSITZKY

Episode Date: September 10, 2021

Christina Pazsitzky, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Davis Lucas, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/30/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band coming to you live from the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for TonyHinchCliff. My people, Austin, Texas, make some fucking noise. We're doing this shit. Oh hell yeah. Home sweet home on a Monday. How about a big hand for Brian Red Band everybody?

Hey everybody, what's up? We're here. It's happening. No one has more fun on Mondays than us. How many of you guys have been here before to Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas, huh? That makes us all practically related. How about a hand for this fucking band up here playing while you guys are coming in? That's a real fucking band right there. That's Matt Mueling on guitar, ladies and gentlemen. The great Michael Gonzalez on drums. And how about a hand for my man D-Madness on the motherfucking bass guitar? Yeah. Fun times. Good to be home. We have a very exciting show for you. A lot of fun things are gonna happen here tonight. I'm positive of that. We don't miss a beat here

on this motherfucking show. So I'm excited. We have a bunch of joke books made by the great Bones Eye. These are gonna be going to people. Big ones to the who we like. Small ones to the people that tried. And it's gonna be fun. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. I'm telling you the Texas summers have been a little bit more than I expected. I thought we lived out in the desert spending 15 years in California. Turns out Texas has put some hairs on my chest that I didn't even want. The humidity, the summer, I'm out there golfing in the sun. It absolutely crushes me.

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We are about to do this. Every single week we have some of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. I'm so excited about tonight's guest. You know, we always keep the guest secret from you. Last week we had Joe Rogan. For every single week it's been amazing. And this week is no different. It is truly a pleasure to have this young lady back on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the newest residents of Austin, Texas and one of the best comedians in the world. This is Christina P. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, we did it again. Woo, mama. Yes. Your mom's house.

Here. Ladies and gentlemen, she's here. Christina P. everybody. Hi guys, I'm so happy to be here. Your mom's house. Where are my moms at? And she's here in Austin, Texas. Part of the revolution of the movement from Los Angeles to Austin. The axis of comedy is turning and it has arrived here in Austin.

Try it out. Try it out. I love it. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you so much for having me. It's a trip that we're all fucking here now, you guys. We're all here. I love it. Every night it's like a reunion party. It's gonna be great. We're on vacation together or something. Christina's gonna be at the creek in the cave here in Austin, Texas

September 9th to the 11th. That's right. She'll be performing on 9-11. Thank you, sir. One of my favorite days because I like tragedies. I love a good 9-11. I will be having fun that night as well. I'm gonna be in Los Angeles, California at the forum.

Doing an arena that night. How exciting is that? Same things. I just did three arenas in Florida this week. Let me tell you, those people are having fun out there. I did a Miami apartment collapse joke in Miami and it went really well, so life is good. I know, you were worried there for a second for me. Were you worried?

Trust me. I was a bit worried. Yeah. I didn't know where I would fit it in, but it worked out perfectly. Those people know how to fucking party on there in Florida. Oh, they don't give a shit. They really don't. We think we're free.

Florida's just fucking, they're fucking no underwear out there right now. Just letting it rip. You guys know how the show works. A ton of comedians signed up for the chance to get on this stage and perform 60 seconds of uninterrupted comedy. You know their 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. No idea why that jungle bird pops up sometimes. Seems like it would be silly to just hit a button over and over again for no reason.

But you know that 60 seconds is way over when you hear the West Hollywood bear. It sounds like that. There you go. There you go. There you go. Makes no sense. Never gets a laugh, but we're going through it anyway. One of those traditions that just stuck.

You guys ready to start tonight's show? All right. Very exciting. Great. Ryan J. Ebelt is drawing tonight's episode from Los Angeles. He just started drawing right now. He has a exclusive live stream and he is drawing.

Remember, he draws every episode. You remember that guy? He still draws, but he lives in Los Angeles, even though he's originally from Texas. It's super weird. Got you. Okay. Well, why don't we start the show with a special treat?

You guys like special treats? All right. Well, instead of going to the bucket, we're going to bring up one of our regulars on this show. This is one of the guys that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. He was made a regular here in Austin, Texas. After a bunch of drama happened with me a few months ago.

He's a real, real, real smart cookie. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great Hans Kim, everyone. Let's go. Let's fucking go. A brand new minute from the great Hans Kim. Hey, what's up guys? Oh, good to be here.

Thought it was a surprise attack, but I think it's really funny that some people will say it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, because Adam and Eve were not even a good couple biblically. First of all, they disobeyed God and they ate a fruit they weren't supposed to eat, which is kind of gay. I gotta have it. And then their son, Cain, murdered their other son, Abel.

This is the first straight couple on earth and they raised a kid who killed a quarter of the world's population. Maybe we should let the gays try. You're a startup, get your shit together. I am an atheist now because I'm not in kindergarten and I have an internet connection. Thank you guys. Wow, he did it again.

He makes it look easy every single week. He makes it look easy, folks. The great Hans Kim. So smart. This is your first time seeing Hans. He's amazing. He's so smart and it's hard to do those biblical jokes. It really is.

It really is. It's literally in Texas. They still go to church here in Texas, though. Yeah, they're fucking weird. You ever go to church? You ever talk about religion? I go to a Korean church back in Seattle whenever I visit. Oh, wow.

It's different. What's Korean church like? Tell us about it. It's a lot more homework, a lot more reading. Yeah. I love it. Thank you, Red Bull. That's Korean church music for those of you that were wondering.

Hans, what's happened in this past week? I went to do some acid. Oh, good for you. And then my friends all abandoned me in a house. And then I called them back and then I started a fire in a fire pit. I was sort of the fire master for the night. I was standing in the flames. I went to San Antonio and we did a little hanky-panky with my beautiful date

in the Waterburger drive-thru. Wait a second. Hold on. Let's slow it down here for a second. The Waterburger drive-thru. So what exactly happens? There's a long line at the drive-thru, I'm guessing, right? It's like 3 a.m. and we just came from an after-hour strip club in San Antonio

and my date has beautiful breasts and on the way over she put her top down and I just massaged her so she could concentrate on driving. Oh, she was driving? Yeah. Okay. So she put her top down so her boobs are exposed in the Waterburger drive-thru. Is that what you're telling us? Yeah.

And you're massaging her boobs or her shoulders? Her breasts. Wow. All right. You don't like to call them boobs, I see. Yeah. Did you go knuckle deep? In her boobs?

Thank you. Thank you, Red Band. We did a little fingering also. Oh, you did fingering? That's what I'm talking about. I fingered my date's vagina. That's a whack. I fingered my date's vagina.

Hans, you are... At the Waterburger? In the drive-thru at the Waterburger. Wow. You're nasty as hell. Holy shit. Put the mayonnaise on your fingers. Yeah, dude.

What did you get to eat? Salty fingers. Just the Waterburger. Just a regular Waterburger? Yeah. But it smelled like a fish sandwich, though. Got it. Waterburger, huh?

So how far did you get? You threw a finger in her in the drive-thru? Did you not know that you'd be able to do all this afterwards? What made you do it? And did you guys keep doing it when you got to the window? Did she pull her top up? Yeah, the drive-thru guy was like, come on, because we were a little slow off the block.

Well, they have cameras there, so they saw the whole thing. You had to pull up? Yeah. And then I think her top was down, and I was like, pull your top up. And so she was not going to do it until I told her. Wow. These are the types of girls that Hans is hanging out with now.

Since joining the Kill Tony family, tell us, so your life has completely changed, correct? Women message me now. Wow. Look at that. Look at that. And I respond. Wow.

You went from the one catfishing people, now they're catfishing you. Look at that. You respond, huh? You respond to all these DMs. Yeah. This date, was this the girl that you was on a date last week or a different girl?

Yeah, this is the same girl. Oh, so that girl's trying to stay steady with you. Yeah, I'm trying to stay steady with her. She won't let me call her my girlfriend yet. Why do you want to do that, Hans? You've been making out with literally multiple strippers every episode of the show. From the yellow rose to red rose.

It's become a thing. It used to be, it was cute to me that they're like an audience member would come up and kiss Hans, like look at the little autistic Asian boy living his dreams. Because by the way, Hans, a little fun fact that I learned just this past week, Hans turns out he's the most autistic person

I've ever known in my entire life. This guy offstage literally has no common sense whatsoever. He doesn't think of any of the repercussions of his decisions. In fact, last week, he booked a show I found out on his Instagram. Tell everybody who you were going to perform with. Peng dang. Yeah!

Wow. What? Yeah! You must be thinking, wait, maybe in comedy, that's normal to perform on any fucking possible show. No, it's literally, you would have to be an insane person to accept that gig. Not only did Hans accept it, but also he promoted it

on his Instagram, which obviously this show has helped him build a fan base tremendously fast. And not only that, but it was scheduled to be in Houston. Right? I was going to drive three hours for 20 bucks. 20 dollars, that was the next thing. I was excited to reveal that, but 20 dollars. That won't even cover your bill at Water Burger.

We would have paid you 20 dollars not to have done that. I gave him 100 bucks to never fucking speak of it again. I'm like, are you mentally ill? And then it turns out he's, the whole, I lost my mind on the phone with him. He posted this thing on Instagram, one of my people sent it to another one of my people who shows it to me immediately.

I mean, within three minutes after you posted that, I was on the phone with you going, what the fuck are you thinking? And he literally goes, wow, Tony, I didn't even really think of it that way at all. This is how autistic I'm telling you. He's so autistic. And it made me actually, by the end of it all,

it turns out I respect Hans more than ever. Because to see what you do on stage, and to see how absolutely fucking stupid you are offstage, it's proof to me that you are a true comedic fucking genius. Thank you. It's amazing. So in a weird way, booking a show with Pang Dang,

and then canceling the show with Pang Dang. Oh, it gets better, by the way. He texted the booker of the show, texted this guy who he has no history with, by the way. A guy asking him to be on a show with Pang Dang. He texts him, sorry, can't do the show. Tony says I'm not allowed. What? What? Why?

Who, what? Why would anyone ever? I know, I know what you're thinking. He did that. He did that with his thumbs on a phone. Tony says I'm not allowed. Complete stranger that just booked me on a show. So that stranger, this is how pathetic that fucking squat is.

That stranger screenshotted that, and posted it on the internet for it to... completely exploded in the Houston open mic comedy scene. Luckily, it wasn't picked up by fucking Fox News or anything like that, but Jesus Christ. Like you're his daddy? Yeah. Like daddy says, I can't do the show.

He's out here fucking starting fires like he's trippin' on acid. Hans, you made out with three girls last week on this stage. How does that make you feel? It makes me feel like a sexual god. Right, exactly. Thank you so much. How does that make you feel making out with three girls? It makes me feel invincible. It does? Do you feel like it gives you feel every week?

It feels like I can get rejected by everyone this whole week, because I know Monday is coming. Well, I know a lot of people, there's a lot of incels that absolutely hate this segment of this show, and I just simply cannot help myself. I have to ask, like I do every week, are there any girls that want to come up and make out with Hans Kim here tonight? I will never stop letting this man live his wildest dreams.

Wow, look at this. Oh shit, that's a real girl. Whoa! Damn! That's not even one of the yellow rose, red rose girls. That's a real, that's a real girl. Here you go. Show the audience what you got. Kiss me, another baby.

Wow, damn, look at that. Kiss me, dude. Holy shit, look at that. Alabama Whirly from True Romance is here, everybody. Hans, these aren't even the strippers from the yellow rose, red rose. These are real girls. They look like they're from Round Rock or something. These girls have like real fathers and shit here.

This is incredible. What sort? I don't know about the second one. Hans, how do you feel? I feel like I really deserve this. I feel like this is like so real. We're real people. We connected. We have a connection. Can I ask the girls, how is Hans as a kisser?

Yeah, good question. He's okay. Whoa! What could he do better? Let's help him, so let's help. I feel like he's had a lot of practice over the last few weeks, and if he doesn't have it yet... Damn.

Alright, let's talk to Marilyn Manson's stunt double here for a second. I'm just kidding, you're fantastic, whatever you want. Marilyn Manson's stunt double? Whatever you are. You have things pierced that I can't even fathom. If you want another needle through you, if you want another needle inside of you, you should fuck Hans Kim. What's your story, lady?

What did you think about Hans' kiss tonight? What's my story? I feel like, since I got my tongue pierced, I'm not a good kisser, so, I mean... Oh, shit. We're both too bad kissers kissing each other, and it was... Wow, jeez, that's real anti-climactic. Can we help him out? What can Hans do to improve? Does he need to be slower?

More supple lips. He can't change his lips. No, no, not like that, not like that, not like that. More natural. What do you do for work? Me? Yeah, I'm a server. Oh, okay.

Alright. Any cool plays? Like Applebee's? What are you doing? How about you? What do you do for work? This one over here. I'm a scribe at a hospital. A scribe? A scribe? I just write doctor's notes.

Oh, okay. Fuck yeah. Descriptions? I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. Alright. Well, I love it. Hans, how do you feel about this? This is the first time you're kissing has been judged publicly.

I feel like this is the fire that I need to step up my game. Wow. Like next week, I'm gonna come at, I'm gonna practice with my pillow. I can't let this happen again. I'm actually embarrassed. This is, this is the motivation. Thank you for that. I love it.

Hans Kim getting better every single week. Lovely. Hans. Hans, I love it. Is there anything else you want to say? Do you feel fulfilled because last week it was three girls. Is that okay? Yes, totally.

These are beautiful ladies and I just am honored. How about the yellow rose red rose? Is there anyone up there that wants to fucking come down and make out with Hans real quick? Let's see what happens here. Let's just see. This is its own half of the show now. I see some movement. Let's just see what happens here.

You never know what's gonna happen. Christina, it's a freak show. This is wild. There's a global pandemic happening. Meanwhile, I'm trying to see how many people can make out with Hans Kim every week. Literally. He's adorable. Oh, we got two girls.

Three girls coming. Red band. Why don't you just... Wow. Look at this, Hans. Oh, shit. These are real girls. Kiss me.

Oh, my God. Look at this. Whoa, that one. Look at that one. Damn. Hans, step up to that microphone. You went from two threes to three tens. Look at that.

That's incredible. That's incredible. Hans loves math, so he knows what I'm talking about here. Incredible. How do you feel now, Hans? I feel great. This is amazing. I love it.

I love it. Look at that smile. That smile makes it all worth it. When I think about how I've been wronged by Asians in the past, I look at your smile and it makes it all worth it. You know that? My ancestors are smiling in their graves right now. I love it.

They are. They're very proud of you. I love it. We are too. Heart is a rock, ladies and gentlemen. Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you. And the girls from the Yellow Rose, Red Rose,

the best strip club in the world. Here we go. We're going to keep it moving. Let the show begin, sort of. It's really not what the show is. Did he go back for more? I missed that part. No, he didn't do it.

Normally. I love this. I could watch this all night. I know, me too. Who wants a French Hans? Believe it or not, there's some people that hate it. What? I know.

This is a great show. They're like, what happened to the comedy part? Why am I watching Hans live his dreams? I love it. I live for that shit. It's a Korean soap opera. How about one more time? It's only because he kills it every week.

One more time for Hans Kim. The boy gets rewarded. Your first comedian out of the bucket, anything can happen. We don't know these people. Make some noise for Aaron Serausey, everyone. Here we go. It's going down.

Hey, you want to put your own? Here he is, everybody. One more time for Aaron Serausey, everyone. What's that? So a super horny in the Water Burger drive-thru? That's great. Great things can happen. I was talking to my girlfriend and she hit me with something.

She was like, Aaron, I think you're gay. I was like, what? I was like, if I'm gay, how can I only last four minutes? Ladies, what better compliment can a guy give you than being like, you're so hot, I came too soon? I know, I know. Here's the thing, honey. If a guy lasts over 10 minutes, he's gay.

That's my rule, okay? There's nothing you can... I stand by that rule so much when I'm watching porn. You okay, buddy? I know. It's my moment. Calm down. Close enough.

Fuck yeah, Aaron Serausey. What's up? Welcome, welcome. Aaron, how are you? I'm good, how are you? I'm good. Is this your first time on the show? No, I did the last show at Antones.

Okay, hell yeah. I don't even know what that place is. Does it still exist? No, I got it shut down. Yeah. Health code, violations. That's what I heard, right? I didn't say it, I just heard the rumors.

I promised Gary Clark Jr. I wouldn't bad mouth the place anymore. Oh, really? He hit me up this past week and he's laughing his ass off. He's like, really, man, you had to tell them to go to Yelp? Oh, no. I guess I don't ever remember anything I say on this show, by the way. So, it can and will be held against me. Welcome, Aaron.

How are you? One of the funniest lesbian comedians I've ever seen in my life. Thank you, thank you. I mean, it's an honor to share a stage with a gay cowboy. Thank you, thank you so much, thank you. Every time I see you, you're like a gay version of something else. Thank you. You and I could do a broke back mountain sketch together sometime.

Oh, easily. We're doing a broke back mountain right now. All right, Aaron. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is just the beginning, Tony. So remind me, Aaron, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like three-ish years. Three-ish years?

And what do you do for work? I'm a server. Oh, where do you serve at? A sour duck market. Okay. Sour death? Duck. Duck.

Oh, wow. All right. I've never heard of it. I love your dope name, though. It's dope, yeah. Is that an Asian restaurant? No. No, okay.

I don't know. Just curious. I thought you learned your lesson before, but... No, no, that's... Okay. I didn't have to work a lesson. Okay, there's a second time for everything. I taught a lesson when that shit happened.

I didn't learn one. Oh, you guys like that. Okay. Okay. So, Aaron, what else? Tell us something we don't know about you. We... You and I, we, like, weirdly interact a lot.

We're both really drunk when it happens. Okay, Aaron. Yes. Every time. It's happened, like, two or three times now, but Tony will come into the creek in the cave, I'll be drunk, and then we'll just do weird bits, and I hate it every time. What are you talking about? Exactly.

Literally, what are you talking about? Are you, like, making a joke? No. No, this is happening. So, where do I do these bits at? The creek in the cave. Are you saying onstage? No, no, no, no, no, no.

We're in, like, a corner, a weird corner, you know. And I... I see what you're doing. Very good. Thank you so much. Okay, what kind of bits have I done on you? Because I know that this is, like, setting up to something. Oh, I know.

You're just... Aaron, hold on here. Okay. Just let me finish when I'm talking. We're on a podcast right now. So, either you're setting up to some big joke, or you're just lying about me interacting with you at a comedy point. No, I get it.

I get it. So, what is it? You can look, Tony, you can lie all you want, but I know what happened. Okay, what happened? Tell us all. Aaron, we're on a podcast. No, literally nothing happened. We just do a weird bit, and then we walk away from each other.

What do we do, Aaron? Tell the people what we do, Aaron. What's the bit that we do, Aaron? Not like, I don't know. It was, I don't know. I was drunk the whole time. You're stressing this guy out. I remember being like, I was like...

Aaron, look at me. Look at me. Look at me. What the fuck are you talking about right now? We're on a live show. I do this every week. You're getting a little bit excited right now. Okay.

Are you going to tell me what I do at the creek in the cave to you or whatever you're saying? So, I think you walk up, you go, hi, I'm Tony Hinchcliff. I introduce myself randomly to you of all people. That's what you're saying that I do when I'm at the creek in the cave. Doing massive sold out shows is the only time I'm there. Yeah, totally. And you're telling me that I randomly walk out amongst the humans. And I introduce myself to you every time I'm there.

Are you kidding? Am I supposed to go along with this? Jesus Christ, Aaron. Am I supposed to go along with this? No, I don't know where we're going now. So, I introduce myself to you and then what do I do, Aaron, in real life? And then we like, I don't know, we like stand around awkwardly. You and I stand next to each other and we scan the comedy club together.

Yeah, I'm as confused as you Tony. Just like a couple buddy old pals. I'm trying to figure it out as we speak. Aaron, I never get that drunk. Do you understand what I'm saying to you right now? I don't get drunk enough to hang out with fucking open micers. You understand that? That's the bottom of the barrel.

This is what I do to help open micers. I don't have fucking offstage conversations with you people. How many times has this happened? You said it's a thing that... I mean like once or twice. Once or twice. So once maybe. Yep.

Once maybe Tony just came up to you and said, hey, how's it going? What's up, I'm Tony. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. And that's a weird thing to you? Jesus Christ. Were you sitting down? Were you standing? No, this is, no, this has gotten weird.

I don't like this. You started it, my friend. I don't like this anymore. Again, I do this show every week and this never happens where someone just says that I do things with them randomly at random times. I'm trying to figure out what the fuck you're talking about. It's live. This is happening right now.

Cool. All right. Aaron, other than our hangouts at the creek and the cave, do you have any special skills or talents or anything? Do you ever do anything like artistic other than stand-up comedy? Not at all. Not at all. I did like your joke, though, the coming fast gay joke.

I thought that was pretty great. There was more to it, but then I got distracted, whatever. I'll tell you what I really liked about you, Aaron. Given that you're a three-year comic, it's extremely difficult to be in the moment. And you came up here and you made an attempt at doing a callback. Yeah, at the Water Burger Joke. Which was great. And then you stayed in the moment when these guys were talking

and you were able to do banter. That is really advanced, varsity-level shit. It really is. So that was really fucking good. And then to thank you. I did that really well. Yeah. Yeah.

And then to think, after all that, just five minutes later, you completely dropped the fucking ball with me. Yeah. Unbelievable. It just goes to show you how hard it is to stay in the pocket in a comedy show. But Aaron? I was like, how quick can I crash and burn?

It really is. It turns out just like in your bit. You couldn't last more than four minutes. Here's the little joke book. There he goes. Aaron! Aaron! Aaron!

Take a joke book. Catch that. Wow. Michigan State Player. Aaron Sorrelsy, everybody. He's on Instagram at erin.com. Can we get Christina some more sauvignon blanc? Thank you.

And I'll have a Crown Royal and Coca-Cola. Me too. Delicious. I love Crown Royal. You know, it was made in Canada for the first ever visit of the Queen of England. Wow. That was fast as hell.

Wow. That's absolutely incredible. There's yours. How about a hand for Zach Goldman, your next comedian on Kill Tony. Clearly anything can happen here. It's got to be weird when you... Oh, here we go.

One more time for Zach, everybody. Hey, guys. Did you know that you can get erectile dysfunction from jerking off to too much porn? Neither did I. Guess what I found out over quarantine. So I've been on a lot of dating apps recently, and I noticed there's a lot of women looking for sugar daddies,

except most of them look like they're about to lose their foot to diabetes. I don't think sugar is really the thing they need in their life right now. I tried texting my ex the other day, and she just immediately blocked me. She'll find out about the herpes eventually, I guess. I don't really have herpes.

That's all I got right now, guys. Sorry. Hell, yeah. Zach Goldman, I remember you. A national champion strongman out of the state of Ohio recently moved here to Austin, Texas. I once asked him how many times he thinks he could lift a midget.

He said an infinite amount of times. The answer was six. You think you could do more now? Are you stronger now? You think you could do seven? Cody, get down here. Cody's the general manager. Cody's the general manager of the Yellow Roads.

Zach Goldman is a national champion strongman. This is real. This has not been produced. Everything is improvised here. The last time he was able to lift up six times. Remember, how about a hand for Cody, everybody? All right. Cody has to face the audience.

You got to keep him. One, two, three, four, five, six. Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Yeah. Wow. This show is out of control. It was never like this in Los Angeles, by the way. Anybody watching this show for the whole time could tell.

We used to be lucky if we had a moment like that back in the day. Now we're just rolling through. I'm like, you remember, you love him. Here he is, Cody, everybody. Now, Cody, he did use his breast again to lift you up again. For a minute, I didn't think he was going to do it. He hesitated for a second. Cody, I fucking love you so much.

Cody has a fucking monster-sized sense of humor and also probably a cock. Cody, what kind of dick do you have? Let's play out about it. I can't say. Oh, shit. It's an HR thing. A true gentleman never tells. He's not allowed to talk about it.

I love that. What's the button on your collar there? What does that do? Oh, you keep the radio in your ear at all times. I like that. Are you talking to the strip club right now? I just leave it on so I don't have to put it back on later. No, and he doesn't work here.

He works at the Yellow Rose Red Rose, the two finest strip clubs in the world. It just so happened to be here in Austin, Texas. So I don't know if I'm allowed to ask, but Cody, how much do you weigh? Like 135. Okay, that's impressive. It's all dead weight, though. That's a lot. Lopsided.

Wow. Yeah, you're a fucking little barrel of fun. A little bit in the ass, a little bit up high. Okay. You guys sort of look like you could be like a fucking tag team or something like that. You guys could be pro wrestlers. Ladies and gentlemen, before and after. He's going to get up low.

I'm going to get him high. I love it. How's everything been at the Yellow Rose Red Rose this week? It's been busy. Can't complain, you know. You guys have a golf outing coming up, right? Yeah. So it's coming up.

If any of you guys want to join, you guys can join on the website. Also tonight for Monday, we have $100 bottles. $100 bottles. Holy shit. Look at that. That sounds like a deal in the strip club world. I don't know how it works. So those ladies that came down, are they the Yellow Rose or the Red Rose?

I need to know. They do both. Okay. Absolutely. Okay. Cody, what else? Anything else crazy happening in the world? Nothing too much.

Just always on the go with work. You know, staying busy. Can't complain. I love it. I love it. Other than that. What kind of car do you have? Is it a Mario Kart?

What's one? What's one? I have two. The what? Which one? I have two. You have two cars? Yeah, I have two.

Look at you. What kind of cars do you have? I have like a Chrysler and then I have a classic. 64 and Paula. Damn. Look at you. Fucking big pimping over there. I could barely see over the dashboard.

I love it. How many phone books do you have to sit on to drive that thing? None. I just get to see that. I love it, dude. You're just out there fucking causing more accidents than Hans Kim. I love it. Cody, you're a legend.

How about a hand for Cody, everybody? Zach, I would venture to say tonight's set went better than the last time you were on the show, right? I think I did the whole minute last time and I actually went, I just beat the bear. So this time I sharp short a little early. But I'm saying it went better for you. More laughs this time, right? I think last one was a little more.

Really? The last joke on this one landed better. Let's argue about it sometime. Weird interviews so far tonight. Zach, is there anything we should know about you that we didn't find out last time you were on the show? Something wild about your life or your history? You do anything crazy ever?

Do you really have herpes? No, no, I don't. No. Yeah, you do. I'm not that lucky. You actually got to get laid out of herpes. Can I have another crown and coke, please? This time Coca-Cola out of the can, crown and coke.

Double check, make sure it's crown. This is definitely Captain Morgan's and something. It's okay. It's okay. Morgan's? I can't be. No, it definitely is. I know fucking Captain Morgan's when I have it.

Holy shit, it is Captain Morgan's. How are you surprised right now? Why would I say that? You think I'm the last guy just making shit up for a no joke? Interesting. Let's see, last time we talked about I was in the Army, strongman. I've been a musician for about 20 years. Really?

What kind of music? I grew up mostly doing rock and punk. I played a lot of lead guitar growing up. You play guitar? Yeah. Really? Any other instruments? Little bass, little piano.

Wow, do you sing at all? No. No, not at all? I mean, badly, but sometimes, yeah. You just play guitar? I can't picture a big man like you playing at Matt. Can you picture this? Matt says that you look like you can play.

I've never seen a muscle guy play guitar. Everyone in my family is a musician. Oh, really? I had to. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. If he looks like it, I trust him, says D-Madness.

Well, there you go, Zach. Maybe next time we'll hear a little guitar for me. There goes Zach Almond, everybody. Thank you. We're going to keep it moving. Let's keep it moving. I want to tell you, sorry. Can I tell him what I like about you?

Oh, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. I forgot. I want to say I love you. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I love it.

Thank you. I appreciate it. You can trust it. Your jokes are phenomenal. Thank you. I appreciate it. Just trust in your material. You're doing great.

Thank you. Christian is so positive. I love it. Zach, did you get a joke book last time you were on? You did? Okay. Then get out of here. There goes Zach Almond, everybody.

On to the next one we go. Back to the bucket. Make some noise for Bobby Johnson, everybody. We're going to meet Bobby Johnson together all at once. But maybe I've met him before. Maybe I randomly introduced myself to him at a comedy club. Come on, people, make some noise for Bobby Johnson. I've been a little busy lately.

I opened a Lion King themed strip club called Hakuna Matatas. My dog is single again. And I don't think it's going to go over well this time because in his dating profile, all it said was no husky bitches. When I'm not doing this, I manage a Texas themed whorehouse called Honey Butter Chicken Bitches. Have you guys ever been so drunk that you downloaded the PGA Tour app on your phone? Neither have I.

I don't even know why I brought it up. When I'm looking for hookers on Craigslist, I like to use my toy phone to call them because it really helps me fish your price. Fuck yeah, Bobby Johnson, look at you. Wow, I love it, man. You're a little fucking wordsmith, dude. Hell yeah. You were on the show once before, right?

At Antones, I took the picture with Joe Rogan. Absolutely, that's right. You wanted a picture with Joe when you got one. Absa fucking Lutely. You are one of the funniest NASCAR drivers we've ever had on the show. Remind me, you're a real Texan. I can just tell you look like you just were fucking raised on puddle water out here. Thank you.

Thank you cricket for that. What part of Texas are you from? I'm currently living in Dallas right now, but I'm originally from Houston and I'm in the process of moving here. Look at you, you're just hitting all the fucking big cities. Thank you. Where are you originally from? I was born in Fort Lauderdale, but I've lived all across the country.

Okay, all right. Why have you lived all across the country? A little forest gump in you, something like that? You've seen a lot of life? My dad's job. What's your dad's job? He works for Bank of America. Oh, wow.

I would not guess that. But then again, seeing how they fucking treat their customers, I sort of guess I would have guessed that. Bank of America is one of those banks that I dropped first. I remember I had them when I was super poor and they charged me overdraft fees when I was working at the comedy store. I'm like, I got to get the fuck out of here. What are you on now?

What's your bank of choice right now? Baby, come on. You know what's up. Fucking represent. Fucking chase. What? Damn, homie. The wolf pack.

How about you? Who do you bank with? Not telling you guys. Citizens. How about you? Are you a Bank of America guy? Yeah. Of course.

You stay loyal to the soil over there. I love it. How about your mom? What does your mom do? She doesn't. Well, right now she's living in Colorado, working for like a ski resort. Okay.

What does he do? Yeah. I'm about to quit my job at Firehouse Subs. Firehouse Subs. Oh, okay. Good for you. Fucking. Working at a firehouse.

You're an American hero. Yeah. Look at that. I love it. Oh. I love you. Oh, thank you very much. I love how weird you are.

Thank you. And Jess. Yeah. You know, your jokes are so well crafted. Oh, thank you very much. And man, you keep doing this shit. You're going to be huge. Yeah.

Absolutely. There's a real misdirect, right? Yeah. He's like a tricky little wordsmith. Meanwhile, he looks like he crawled out of a gutter to be here. Yeah. And it's like, he looks like he shouldn't know how to read or write. Yes.

But meanwhile, he has like these really smart jokes. Yeah. Hey, I'm a hat guy, but I've never seen a hat bent that hardcore. Yeah. Is that a raising canes hat? Yeah. Why has it been so like? I worked there like two years ago and it just really fits.

Yeah. But that bend, like that's awful. What the fuck? There you go. I would even go, you know, like the blue collar guys. Yeah. I would even go, I don't know. What's that documentary?

He reminded me of, is it Tiger King? Yes. Yes, it is. He reminded me like those vibes, you know, like I would like lean into that shit, man. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. How long have you been on stand up?

It'll be four years and a couple of weeks. Four years and a couple of weeks. Okay. Is it here in Texas? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Anything else crazy we should know about you?

Any fun facts about you, Bobby Johnson? I think this would be funny. So two managers ago at my firehouse subs job, he brought a gun to work. Oh, okay. Texas. Yeah. That's the whole thing? No.

So like I clock in. I clock in. I have a gun on me right now. Who gives a fuck? This is God damn Texas, Bobby Johnson. You even have a NASCAR name, Bobby Johnson. Like what the fuck, dude? Yeah.

Is your middle name like Ray or something? No, it's Anthony. Oh, okay. Bobby Anthony Johnson. That does not fit at all. So what happened? What happened? With the gun?

Okay. Okay. So I clock in and we're all standing there just talking and he goes, I brought my gun to work today and I'm like, okay, hopefully he's kidding. And a couple hours go by and I don't know if you've ever been in a firehouse subs, but there's like a TV there that they usually play and it usually has like sports center or CNN, something to distract you. So it was like really slow and I was watching it and I had my back to everybody else.

I hear like a thwomp behind me and I turn around and there's a handgun on the make line. Wow. Okay. What kind of sub meat did you put on it? Well, it's funny. It's funny you actually go there because I made it like a mental note of it, a bullet dropped in the provolone bin. Really?

Is that true? Yes. God damn. But you didn't change out the provolone, did you? No. You just take it off. Of course not. Absolutely not.

Just to let you know. What's the longest set you've ever done? Like 14 minutes. Okay. I would like to have you open up the secret show Thursday. Wow. Look at that. And Bobby, we didn't have big joke books last time you were on, did you?

Take one of those to you son of a bitch. There you go. Bobby Johnson out here living his fucking dreams on Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas. Wow. Getting booked from signing up for a show, making dreams come true here every single week. How inspirational, Tony. It is.

You guys are so supportive. It is. We've been pushing up comedians, supporting comedians for eight years on this show. We don't have to do this. We could easily have started a podcast in a studio. Instead, we give people opportunities. That's what makes it so crazy when someone throws you under the fucking bus. Like what the fuck, man?

I don't think I'll ever really get all the way over that. Nor should you. Ladies and gentlemen, you want to bring another regular up here, huh? Let me ask you one more time. You guys want another Kill Tony regular up here, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, this guy known for his incredible writing and amazing roast abilities. This is David Lucas, everyone. Oh, shit.

Yeah. What's up? What's up? I'm trying to understand white people because I got to be around y'all so much. But it's hard to understand, y'all. I don't understand why white people work out so hard. Like, why do y'all need to be in crossfit shape? Like, why do you need to be able to run a mile, flip a tire, and do 100 push-ups in

eight minutes? Like, what the fuck are you preparing for? Is there a race war we don't know about? Like, is it blacks and Mexicans versus whites? Let me know. I don't do crossfit, though. I just fuck fat bitches. Because lifting up a fat girl's leg is like flipping over a tire.

They both weigh 180 pounds. That's very funny. The great David Lucas, everybody. Been writing a new minute on this show for years now. Yes. It'll be two years, I think, in October or September. I love it. I love it.

We just can't stop. Won't stop. Look at you. Looking better than ever. Look at you. You look like a gay Christmas ornament. Oh, my God. Fuck.

How dare you guys. Oh, boy. You look like a fucking Reese's peanut butter cup. Chocolate outside, peanut butter center tonight. You got Tinker Bell's life-size wings on your jacket. Oh. That shit crazy as hell, boy. Come on.

You had to get that jacket at an antique shop. I can't believe the planet Saturn is roasting me like this. This is incredible. That jacket came with a floor model TV. Fuck. All right. That's actually true. I have the TV and I watch it regularly.

I love it, David. All right, Dad. It got your ass good. It's a Harley Motorcycle. Harley Davidson shirt. Is that what that is? Yeah, yeah. You ride motorcycles?

You ride men. Oh, come on. How dare you. Do you ride motorcycles? I ride dirt bikes. You do? Yeah, yeah. Are they called dirt bikes or is that just after you get on them?

You son of a bitch. David up here making fun of people that do crossfit. With that jacket on, with that jacket on, when gay people can't sleep at night, you come over them and sprinkle salt in their eyes with your booty cheeks. So descriptive. Gay guys sprinkle salt on them with my booty cheeks.

Oh, it's supposed to be sad to say it, man. My bad. It's supposed to be sad. David at one point during his set says, he fucks fat bitches. So do they. Mother fuckers. Mother fuckers.

With that jacket on, you look like you fucked the disco ball. You look like the fucking disco ball, dude. Look at you. This is what the fucking German kid looked like when he came out of the chocolate tube in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. You got a John Travolta funeral jacket on.

I got the Travolta shit and you got the grease. You son of a mother fucker. You can't stop me. The best in the world. You're trying to get redemption from last time. What? You're trying to get redemption from last time. What happened last time?

You remember that one, huh? You must have felt good about it. Really stood out to you. I like your style, David. What else is happening in life? What else is going on? Just got back from the La Jolla comedy store. Oh, beautiful San Diego.

Absolutely. How is it doing, man? Of course, we miss it. No masks, bro. You get up in there. No vaccines. Yeah, we sold out five shows. So packed shows, no masks, no vaccine?

No, sir. Oh, my God. That's crazy. San Diego's doing it. What the fuck is up with Los Angeles? Hopefully, California will be back after the recall Newsome election. Yeah.

Yeah, hopefully. Larry Elder up in there, bitch. He's coming. He's coming. We're going to see what happens. Yeah, yeah, bro. He going to do the damn thing. Are you still a registered voter in California?

I don't know, bro. You don't vote? No. Okay. I support. You only vote on, like, cupcake wars and shit like that. You voted to make it illegal to leave toilets eats up. Now, nobody got it, but Red Band.

Damn it. I love it when a joke doesn't hit and you fucking try to correct it. I love it, man. Yeah. I love it. It's so cool that you're dressed like Afghanistan tonight. I love it. Absolutely incredible.

Incredible. You're dressed like the Kabul airport. Two little runways down there and fucking sandy beaches up top. Your jacket looked like a bisexual iguana. It does. It actually does look like a bisexual iguana. You know how rich ladies be pitting them jewel things back in the day? What's on the back of that thing?

What do you got? Probably nothing. I don't know. Yeah. Just some fucking wrinkles. I can't see the back of my shirt. Look at that shirt. You ever iron that?

Hell no. For what? You ever just steam it with your own body sweat? I'm going to let you sit on it and do some booty rubs. Fuck. So stupid. Booty rubs? What is this world coming to?

This is what happens when you make fun of someone every week for years. You run out of shit. I'm going to let you sit on my shirt and do booty rubs. Like, oh, that makes perfect sense. David, you're an absolute fucking G, man. Thank you, bro. I mean, you're out here doing real stand-up, real stand-up comedy, no tricks, not just being silly, doing real jokes.

And you got the lovely Christina P. That's right. The queen beat. We became friends like three weeks ago. I was bringing her up and she was like, if you say the name of my podcast, they're probably going to boo your ass. That's true. Yeah.

She was like, do you got it? Yeah. You can't say your mama's house. You have to say your mom's house. Your mom's house. Yeah. Otherwise, the mommies get super fucking pissed, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I got it, though. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, homie. You're so funny. Thank you so much. Yeah, I love you.

Yes. Your jokes are just fantastic. The first time I saw him, he was like, I was going down on a girl and would you say it tastes like pennies? Yeah, it tastes like pennies. Yeah. I had to ask him like, what does he mean? He's like, oh, she's on her period.

I was like, oh, yeah, this is stupid. She was close to her period because you could start tasting the copper or whatever. Oh, my God. I love it. I love it. Oh, my God. You're so real. I love that.

I love that you keep it real and it's so effortless for you. Thank you so much. It's so attractive. Thank you so much. It's wonderful. We're so proud of you, David. It's amazing that you can still connect your hands in front of you like that. It's really impressive.

I was trying to get out of here, motherfucker. It's OK. I don't ran out. I ain't got no more gay jokes. You can do it. I got to find another angle. I got to tell you, you look like an albino python or some shit. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my best pals, one of the best rising comedians in the world.

This is David Lucas, everybody. On to the next one we go. We got one more regular for you and he'll be up later tonight, of course. He said he can still connect his hands. It's amazing. That's so funny. We never stop. We've pretty much done every joke we can possibly do.

We surprise ourselves every week. John Hoft is next on Kill Tony out of the bucket. I don't think we've met him before. The name does not look familiar at all. Anything can happen. You guys having fun out there? All right. Here we go.

And this is John Hoft, everybody. What's up, everybody? Guys, what if electric cars could break the way phones do, right? Where it's like, hey, man, I plugged it in, but it's not charging. It's like, yeah, you got to wrap the cord around the car a few times, create some tension, right? Come outside after a storm. You're like, oh, fuck it, rain last night. Hey, does anybody have like a really big bag of rice?

Got to soak this shit up, man. I'm trying to get better at dating, guys, trying to get better at it. So I decided to check out one of those like really old dating self-help books from the 90s, right? But like, I honestly think it's just started to make things worse for me. Yeah, the book is called Mixing Things Up with Bill Cosby. It's not good. Don't worry, I didn't take his advice. Roofies are expensive, but...

Guys, I know white privilege is real because I have mental health issues that are directly related to how well I'm doing in Candy Crush. But I can't talk to anybody about it because it's too vague, so I just have to, you know, like, be vague about it and be like, yeah, man, things just aren't lining up. All right, John Hoeft, everybody. There you go, 60 seconds from John. Welcome to the show, my friend. This is your first time on, right? Yes, it is.

I remember you, I do remember you. I do remember you, you're one of my favorite characters ever. You were the little girl in the movie Hereditary, right? I remember that face. Yeah, that was a good role. You hit the telephone pole with it. 100%, yeah. I love it.

John, tell us about your life. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about two and a half years now. Okay, what do you do for a living? I work at a poke place. A what? Poke, it's like raw fish, sashimi. Yeah. Yeah, it's a pretty chill job. It's easy.

All right. How old are you? I'm 23 years old, yeah. You're adorable. Look at you. Where are you from? I'm from here, Austin, Texas. Oh, wow, what part? Lugerville? Just like, no, definitely not Lugerville.

Cedar Park, Texas. Whoa, Cedar Park. It's like a slightly better Lugerville. Okay, all right. So it still sucks. What is it at? Does it have anything cool? Oh, no, not at all. Nothing cool. It has...

Well, we got a couple chilies. That's pretty cool, I guess. All right, two chilies. A red band's vote now. That's the best we got. Actually, I live... It's so weird. I live next to a chilies,

and literally two miles down the road, there's another chilies. Like, why? That's why he moved there. We love the chilies. Two for 20, you can't beat it. So tell us about you. What do you do for fun?

You're 20. So tell us what the kids are doing nowadays. Oh, man. Mostly, I love to lie on my couch. I, like, I play my guitar sometimes. You have your own couch. You live by yourself? I live with my friend from college.

So, yeah, we just moved into Austin. Finally, I went to school. So you have a two-bedroom apartment. Yes. With your friend from college. Yeah. You graduated from college? Yes, sir.

Did you graduate with a degree in poke? You know, I tried, but it was a little too tough on me. So I decided to go with theater, which was bad choice. Don't do that. So you sit on your couch. You said you play your guitar?

Yeah, I like to play. I've been playing for, like, seven months now. And so I just like to mess around and try to learn new things. Okay. You know how to play any songs or anything like that? Not on electric. I really only play, I only have an acoustic. So I just do a lot of finger styling stuff.

You know, I like tears in heaven, Eric Clapton's a fun one to play, Blackbird, those kind of stuff. You must, yeah, you must get all the pussy. I love it. Tears. Nothing gets the girls wet, like tears in heaven from Eric Clapton. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they love it.

One of the saddest songs of all time, everyone. It's my go-to move. Works out every time. What is your love life like? Terrible for the short answer. Really? When's the last time you went on a date? Oh, I think a couple months ago.

When's the last time you had sexual intercourse? Are you a virgin? No, absolutely not. Three months ago, I think. Okay. Who'd you have sex with? Oh, man. Was that a date or you had sex three months ago?

I had sex three months ago. Okay. Who was this? Just some girl down at school. I don't know. I met her at a party. Okay. Middle school, high school.

What was your line? What got you to... So, it's really weird. I don't know how exactly it happened. I got really drunk at like a house show. Would you know my name? If I saw you in heaven, would it be the same? I'm so horny.

If I saw you in heaven. Girls just twerking, taking off her pants. Oh, yeah. The year is 1992. God. Who do do? Step back from my ledge, my friend. Here in heaven.

The band is so amazing. They can do anything. Our old band couldn't play a song if you gave them six months to prepare. All right. But he's like a theater kid. Yeah. So, how you hang out with like a lot of like arty chicks who want to bang you and stuff? It seems like a good idea until like you get to know them.

And then what's... But you learned how to do... You learned some theater shit studying theater? Yeah, I learned... Yeah. I mean, I started doing stand-up like two years in the college and kind of lost all interest in like theater. And so then I kind of just was doing it because it was easy.

Just to get through it. What plays did you do? What did you do in theater? I didn't actually ever do a single play in college. What the fuck? Yeah. Damn, I guess we all have theater degrees though. No, it is like...

I did apply. Genuinely. As far as like useful degrees go, I think I have the single most useless degree of anybody. Because I majored in something with no jobs and even if there was jobs, I wouldn't know how to do it. So it's really tough. Wow. That's absolutely incredible.

What's another fun fact about you that we should know something crazy about your life or your family or anything? Oh man, I'm trying to think. It must be something. You would think there'd be something. Religious? I'm not religious. No, my mom likes...

My mom wants me to be religious. But when we were like eight, we just stopped going to church and then never won again. But she still gets on to me like every day. What do you think happened? Why did you stop going to church when you were eight? I think that my parents wanted to sleep. And they were like... Okay.

Yeah, I think they just decided to forfeit like religion for that, you know? Are they drinkers? Are they heavy drinkers? No, not heavy drinkers. I think they just were tired and they were just like... Wow. Look at that. God isn't worth it, I guess.

They were just exhausted parents. Look at that. Well, I loved your set, John. I think you were fantastic. And for again, you know, Christina, what do you think about this guy? I would say what I love about you, John, is that you're in such a great lane. The absurdist wacky white guy lane is pretty fucking fantastic. Thank you.

Yeah, you keep going there. This is going to be great for you. You got the shirt, you're a theater guy. Absolutely. You're in the right place. Thank you so much. Don't try to be anything else. If you're a weird guy, what if the car is dipped in rice?

Yes, go there. Keep going there. Absolutely. Thank you. You love doing stand-up, don't you? I can see it in you. Yeah, yeah. It became an obsession like immediately and I didn't want to do anything else because

I mean, what else? I think about it every night. Where else would I rather be? Where do you write your jokes? Do you write like on pen and paper in the morning, like you sit down? Yeah, right here in this notebook. What's that? What do you got there?

This is my joke book. Never leaves my back pocket. Why don't you take one of these bad boys made by the Great Bones Eye? Adrian Cavazos here on Kill Tony. Amazing set. Come back. Thank you so much. Let's see another minute from you, buddy.

There goes John Hoft, everyone. It's Heft. Heft. H-O-E-F-T. Heft. Sure, whatever. They'll know it later. John Heft.

Oh, okay. Absolutely. Ugliest women I've ever seen in my life, everybody. I know. That's the dude from Pearl Jam. Oh, that's a guy. Okay. Sorry, Scott.

How about a hand for Scott, everybody? Good-looking guy, hideous woman. Depends on how you look at it. Here we go. Back to the bucket we go. Let's see what happens. Dallas Irvin. Wow.

That's a real name. Dallas Irvin. Here we go. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? All right. Here he is. He's been here before.

Here he is again. This is Dallas Irvin. Hello, everybody. You look good. You look good. First things first. Ever since moving here from April, all I got to tell you is you got the best crackheads I've ever fucking seen in my life.

I bet, yeah, you should be proud and stuff like that. I've been feeding cigarette butts out of the palm of my hand to them all week. And you have to palm it because if you cup it, not all of them have their teeth, but the ones that do will nip you. You know, hepatitis is a fucking bitch, is all I could tell you. I mean, my first interaction was one of these glorious angels that you referred to as crackheads here. A gentleman looked at me, an African-American man.

He goes, I'm the grandson of Ulysses S. Grant. Yeah, I know, right? Dude, you're black. Thomas Jefferson. Because he raped his slaves. Another lady recently came up to me while I was having a cigarette outside of a bar. She goes, you want to suck on these titties, white boy? And I'm like, first of all, you're white, too, and I don't like buttermilk.

Yeah, yeah, man. I'm just saying, like, feed them. Feed them. Just feed them the cigarette butts, guys. Dallas Irvin, everybody. There it is. You said you like going comedians do bad, and there you go. Dallas, you bomb all the time, dude.

You've been on the show a few times. It's always a real fucking shitstorm. Am I right? Do you do better at other shows than you do here? Oh, I like to think I do, but apparently fucking not, bro. One of my favorite parts of your set was the first words out of your mouth were, you look good, you look good, and then you went into a totally different thing that had nothing to do with it.

You always tell them you didn't even really look at them. You just planned on saying that. I don't need to. I can feel their energy. I mean, they're really not. I'm here every week. Sir, will you stand up? This guy's sitting in the front row.

Yoni, you have this. Look at Yoni. Dude, you're a king, bro. You're a king. Yoni, over there. Show Yoni your face that the people at home can see. I think he's beautiful. There we go.

We got that guy lit up. He's gorgeous, honey. We have an actual man from a wax museum sitting here in the front row. This guy sitting next to what appears to be Jared from Subway out on probation. He's lost more weight. We have the goalie from the green, the big green here. We have these two homosexuals supporting each other here. Yeah, look at that.

Two German homos just about to make out with one another. I mean, they're really not a good looking crowd. I mean, compared to you, I guess they are. Well, yeah, obviously. I mean, I know my place. I guess so. Do you say that a lot? You look good.

You look good when you first get on stage. Is that your first time saying that? No, sir. No, sir. By the way, it was no time you were up here. You literally grabbed the mic. You look good. You look good.

Crack heads are crazy. Am I right? You went into a totally different. I thought it was a setup. I'm like, this has to be a setup. You look good. You look good. Just kidding or something.

I was hoping for a payoff for you. Yeah, there was no payoff. I'm trying to have the D madness saying you stole my line. He also says you look good to everybody. D madness is the only other person that thinks this is a good looking audience tonight. D madness is blind, by the way. He doesn't. He doesn't just have cool sunglasses.

I always love it when the guest realizes that D madness is blind. Polly Shore was the guest a few weeks ago. The first thing he did is he tried to fist bump D madness when he got up here and Jimmy Schubert. Jimmy Schubert did it off. Unbelievable. He thought he was cool. He's a cool guy.

He's the fucking man. D madness holds this shit down. We went by Tony as a comic. Yeah. Absolutely. Like really, one of the best bass guitars I've ever heard in my life, man. One of the best bass guitars. No one needs your fucking dirty endorsement right now.

You understand? He's not going to put that on his website. Dallas Irvin says one of the best bass guitars. But I was thinking, Tony, how? Christina Pete. How could he have tied in, you look good. You look good to crack heads because you know, there's got to be like a way to. Yeah, you look good.

You look good. You know who doesn't the crack heads outside here and then you'd be in. It's that easy. You're one step away, but you just don't. I don't think you have a comedic bone in your body, Dallas. How long you've been doing this for? A couple of years. A couple of years and you've been going hard, right?

You've been trying to just working through bombing like this. I like you by the way. I want you to do good. I think thank you so much. I think you could do good. Do people tell you that you're funny offstage sometimes? They don't even do that. No, they don't.

No, they don't. So you're not funny, but you try. I am giving it the college try, man. If I fail at this, it's not like, you know. What's your writing process? I would love to hear you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry.

You just said if you fail at this. If I fail at this, it's okay. But where would you draw the line? What are we saying? What is this? If I get like five years in and then it's like nothing and I'm still as mediocre as I am now, I probably think about it and quit because I know my own limitations. Five years?

All right. Sorry. Well, I'll tell you what I... Christina, let's hear it. Help this man. What I love about you and what I think is very important in today's society is taking risks. And I see you and I see that you're trying to find the line. And sometimes it's too far because when they don't laugh, you know, you've gone too far.

Right? Yes, right. But I love that you're taking those risks. And that's what comedy needs is more people that are willing to have... Well, thank you so much. That's true. Good for you. Take risks.

I love you, Christine. Take massive risks. Have you ever thought about perhaps using racial slurs on stage? No, except for... I saw him, man. I'm telling you, it works wonders. Can we go back though? Like, what is your writing process?

Like, when you write jokes, what is it? Like, how do you do it? Like, Miss Pazinski said, I'm trying to, like, find that line and see if I can get, like, be on the razor's edge and stuff like that. The razor's edge. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, good ACDC album.

What's something fun about you that would... What's the redeeming quality about Dallas? Redeeming quality? Okay. This is actually... Maybe I should have said this, but... Okay. I was a secretary for a chick when it only fans during quarantine.

Like, instead of, like, the dude's messaging her, they were messaging me. I had, like, a list of shit that I had to fuck and say, this guy likes this, this guy likes to be told he has a little dick, this guy will possibly ask you if you could send me or send him a picture of me shitting, and that's out of the question. Wait, so how did you get this job? I was her weed dealer, and I also do video editing. You're a weed dealer that also does video editing? Yeah.

Did you go to school? Yeah. You got a degree? Uh, yes, sir. Oh. Okay. I love it. Do you talk about that on stage, though?

I mean, that's kind of interesting. It's something I never really consider, so that'd be something I should try. Yes. I don't really think so. You what? Yeah, I think it's... Like, being a secretary for an only fans, there's so much gold in that shit. I made $1,500 bucks in two months, and it was worth it, but I hate men now.

You hate men now? Well, at least the simps that was on her fucking only fans, because there was a guy offering $12,000 to eat her shit. Most lesbians hate men, though, so... There you go. All right. Well, Dallas, I love it. Any special skills or talents, non-comedy related?

Can you do anything fancy? Can you, like, bend a finger all the way back or something like that? Can't bend a finger all the way back or what? Anything like that? Can any special things that you can do? You know, outside of, like, cooking, but that'd be a weird thing to do on this show. You're cooking. You're a cook.

Yeah, I made garlic confit earlier this week, and it's dope as shit. You made what? You know what garlic confit is? You know what duck confit is? It's when duck is braising its own fat over a couple hours, and it's just juicy as fuck. I did that with garlic and olive oil, and it made, like, a very, very awesome little spread. All right. Well, there you go.

You should cook for us sometime. There you go. Hell of a cook, and he eats it on stage, everybody. Dallas Irvin, everyone. Hopefully, this could be one of those, you know, and by the way, every story on this show's different. Some people get pulled up here for their first time, and they absolutely destroy the place, goes crazy, and they do it again the next time, and the next time, and then they bomb their fourth time. Maybe your story's different.

Maybe you eat it every time you're on the show. And then one of these nights, you might fucking steal it. Who knows? In 60 seconds, anything could happen. It might be, you might be a late bloomer here. Tony, there is, like, a breakthrough. Usually, a lot of comedians start off, and then they find their voice and stuff like that. There's definitely levels of, like, growing up and stuff like that when it comes to comedy.

It's exactly what I just said. Yeah, you just, yeah. I mean, absolutely almost, I just put it more eloquently and perfectly, but that's a different way of saying it, for sure. Dallas, sign up again, come back again. Hell yeah, buddy. Dallas Irvin, everybody. You're such an idiot. You are such an amazing idiot.

It's unbelievable. I love you. What a team. I just don't listen to you much. What a unit. It's great for podcasting. Keep not listening to me. Oh, the German homos love this.

Look at this. You're actually Jewish. You are? I'd stop letting that guy fuck you, then. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Joe McNamara, everybody. We're doing it. We're coming around the bend.

I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when. Big after party after this, by the way. Everyone, Nether hour is going to be playing. All right. Here's Joe McNamara. I think if I decided to stop comedy right now and become a rapper, I would like my rap name to be Young Wizard. See, a few of you get the Draco-Malfoy reference.

And that's what I'm going for. But I'm worried the other half of the people will think I'm an entry-level KKK member. Given my condition, I don't think that's a good move. You know, resting Arian face. I made a big mistake recently that I'd like to share with you guys, because it's an honest mix-up that could happen to anyone. HEB sells a lubricant that looks nearly identical to toothpaste. Toothpaste lube, lube toothpaste, they're all the same.

The biggest problem with this is it doesn't tell you on the tiny box how bad Colgate Total can burn in your ass. I learned the minty way, people. I learned the minty way. There you go. Joe McNamara doing it up here tonight. I love it. That was a good set.

Rock solid. Welcome back to the show. Thanks for having me. You've been on before. What did we find out about you last time you were on? I remember you. Last time, you know, of course, we talked about Harry Potter. That's right.

Yes, I told you you were the one of the Slytherin, right? Yep. I also, this time, I recognize you as one of my favorite characters, the girl from the movie Midsommar. No, that's the bad guy from Karate Kid. Come on, we all know that. He's every host of every show on Nickelodeon in the 90s. I would love that now.

Hell yeah. Has anyone ever told you you look like one of the statues from Legends of the Hidden Temple? Never, never. But you just have Ellen vibes. You look a little like Ellen. My opening joke usually is I look like Draco Malfoy and Ellen DeGeneres decided I would swear.

This is what Ellen would look like if she was nice to her staff. Hell yeah. That's a fantastic compliment. Ellen DeGeneres. Oh, shit. So fun. Joe, what's been going on since the last time we saw you? What's happening over here?

I figured out about Barton Springs. That place is fucking awesome. Oh yeah? Yeah. I can tell you've really been getting a lot of sun out there. Yeah. SPF 100. Where do you go for the night swims?

Night swims and SPF 100. You crawl out of your coffin when there's a full moon and go for a swim? Yeah. You are vampire-esque. Have you ever slept in a coffin before? No, and I don't plan to. How about like this?

Do you sleep like this? Yeah. Do you sleep on your back? Side sleeper. Side sleeper? Yeah. Okay. Hell yeah.

Thanks, man. Oh shit. Yeah, these guys want to fuck you. It's my Aryan brothers. You have a girlfriend? What's that? You have a girlfriend, Joe? No, no girlfriend.

How long have you been single for? I've been single for just over a year. Okay. What happened in your last relationship? How did that end? I got dumped. Why? Did she give you a reason?

No, I probably took the relationship for granted, to be honest. Oh, what makes you say that? Like, what would you, you wouldn't hang out with her? You didn't buy her things? Like, what happened? All of the above. My biggest thing was I made excuses not to hang out with her

and hang with her friends. Do you have her phone number? No. I, I really, I do. I do. Joe, this is how legends are made. I do. I do.

I think we should call her and ask her why she broke up with you. Oh, God. Oh, my God. This is kill Tony Austin, Texas. My phone's locked up. My phone's locked up. All right. Let's get one of the fucking yonder.

Well, you have a phone number. What's her number? I've got a phone number. I can't call. I swear to God, she's not going to answer the phone. Okay. Well, we're going to try it out. All right.

Okay. We're going to try it out. It's okay. They're grabbing one of the yonder unlockers. It happens very quickly here. This is the first time we've done this. This is so exciting. It's the first time we've done this since we,

mandatory phone lock up. Put your phone on private first though. All right. So here's, here's the deal. Hold on. Let's all wait a second here because this, we've done this, these phone calls a few times. This is an interesting one here tonight.

So I want to coach us all through it. Okay. Here's the deal. Very important that we all remember all these things. First of all, don't make a lot of noise during the call. No noise. No noise. Thank you.

You, my friend, you, when you hit send on the call, you put it on speaker and you take the absolute bottom of the phone and you put it to the top of the microphone. Okay. So it's on speaker. So you keep that there and you can talk to her through your thing while keeping that base on the microphone. Volume at 10.

Very important. Volume all the way up. If it goes to voicemail, pull it away immediately because we can't have the phone number on the podcast. Does this make sense to you? Yeah. Call back again. And then call back again for the rest of the night.

Just keep calling her. Well over a year. It's been a year and a half. Tony, what should the, she'd be like, hey, just wanted to know. Yeah. What should I be saying? Here's what you say. Here's what you say.

You say, you say, I know we haven't talked. If you want to, I will. You think I should? All right. Then I'll do the talking. Okay. Thanks, Tony. Okay.

All right. This is phone a friend. My friends are going to not believe this. Anything can happen here. What's her name? Abby. Abby. Oh, yeah.

She's a good girl. She's a good girl. I feel guilty because like she's a good girl, but whatever. Whatever. Well, we're going to find out. Okay. Okay. I'll do it.

Absolutely. Oh my God. I'm so nervous since you talked to her last. So nervous. Something like that. Yeah. At least a year. Shh.

Your call has been forwarded. That was immediate. I told you. Oh my God. Should I call her again? All right. Everybody be quiet. So by the way, I was actually looking at the phone when that call was blatantly dumped.

And it was four seconds. I know. Let's see how fast this next one goes. She might be like, she might be like with her new boyfriend right now. She's got a new man for sure. She probably thinks I'm drunk. Right. Oh my God.

Right. I need you back. Have you tried to call her since then? No. Like I said, we ended on pretty good time. She did break up with me. How long did you date her? I dated her for about a year.

And this. Oh, that's okay. Yeah. Okay. I'm happy being single. Okay. Like I'm doing the call. Okay.

This is awesome. I'm going to try it one more time. Again, that call got dumped in four seconds. Let's see how long it takes this one. All right. Everybody shut up. Everybody on every level on the balcony and down here, shut the fuck up. Here we go.

Turn that off. Your call has been forwarded. I told you. I told you. Oh, Abby. Fucking bitch. That is the most anti-climactic thing that's ever happened. I knew it was going to happen like that.

What would you think if you were to ask her what is the reason that she doesn't want to talk to you anymore? Hold on. Christina. Can he text her and be like, hey, it's super... Oh, no. Oh, good. You're so fucking funny. Here's the thing.

I did want to get back with her. I really did. So she's probably... This is what I'm saying. She's like, damn, Joe got drunk. He misses the times we used to have together. Yeah. And now he's trying to give me...

She has a new boyfriend and stuff now. The girls moved on. How do you know she has a new boyfriend, Joe? How do you know this? Instagram. You've been following her on Instagram. It was pretty quick after like a couple months after, but I don't follow her anymore.

Do you have his phone number? I don't know the guy on any level at all. All right. I love it. Her new boyfriend's never been on Kill Tony, though, so that's... You got damn right. Whatever.

I have some explaining to do now. Holy shit. Were you too sweet? Is that... You're sweet. You're very sweet. I like to think I'm a nice guy. I try to be respectful.

Were you romantic? Too sweet. Was I too romantic? I don't... I think the problem was I wasn't romantic enough. Yeah. What's the most romantic thing you ever did for her in your year of dating her?

That would be the least romantic, sir. Your most romantic thing that you ever did for her, you were dating her for one year. You really like this girl, Abby. She broke your heart by dumping you. You say you weren't romantic enough. I'm wondering, as you're still thinking about it, I'm killing time for you right now.

What is the most romantic thing? This is making me look back on the whole year like, holy shit, it kind of speaks to me. There must be something, right? You took her out to dinner. She was... Yeah, she was really... She wouldn't shut up about tulips one day,

and then I came with tulips. She wouldn't shut up about tulips? Okay, because I... All right. All right. Here we go. All right, I have one last idea. Before you go, Joe, how many of you think

that Joe should send her a picture of tulips as a text message? Right now, you just need me to... No, it's okay. You just do it after this show. Okay, I'll definitely have some sort of explanation. Joe, did you get a joke book last time you were on? Yeah.

Anything else for Joe? Joe, can I tell you what I liked about you? I liked that you had self-awareness. You knew how the audience perceived you. It was a lot of the battle. Knowing that you looked like a Malfoy was fucking amazing. Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah, and look, you're a white guy. You guys are out of fashion right now in comedy. That's fair. He's not just white. He is whiteist. Yeah, you gotta dye your hair, dude. He's super white. Yeah.

So it's great that you addressed that. It's fantastic. Thank you. Good for you. Good, you're doing great. You're doing a great job. I completely agree with her great stuff tonight. Way to be open, taking risks.

Not only doing your sep during the interview part. That is Joe McNamara, local legend here in Austin, Texas. Be a better boyfriend next time, right? He will. He will. He's got it. Man. He's like, I don't think I was romantic enough.

This bitch wouldn't shut up about tulips. Jesus. You guys, let's get a girl out of this bucket. What do you guys say, huh? That's not a girl. That's not a girl. That's not a girl. That's not a girl.

Okay. Allie Musa. Allie Musa. Wait, that's not a girl. Come up here, though, just so that people can see your creepy face. That's Allie, everybody. You know what? I want to see a minute from you.

This is Allie Musa, everyone. Come on, make some noise for Allie Musa. I like to think I'm not a girl, but I've been listening to a lot of Ben Shapiro lately. I want to like the guy, but I can't get over the fact that he looks like an evil doll in an 80s horror film. Right? And just the way he speaks, he talks so fast, he's so pretentious, he's always like, If you look at the facts, if you look at the facts, when it comes to the right wing versus the left wing, the left wing is way too emotional.

They have the social justice worry mentality. When it comes to the right wing, we're more philosophically sound. We have a higher education. We have a higher IQ. We know that racial injustice does not exist in this country. We know that a black person's never been shot by a cop. You can't show me a shot of it until it's ever happened. It's like, shut up.

You look like Wednesday from the Adams family, all right? He looks like a Nintendo Wii version of Dracula, all right? How does he look like a small child and a child molester at the same time? It's my question. These are the questions I have. Boom, Ali Musa. Holy shit. Wow.

That's the funniest female I've ever heard. Yeah, that's incredible. You had one minute. That's amazing. You crushed in one minute. That was amazing. Wow. And with a Ben Shapiro impression, I mean, that was incredible.

I did not think that if you would have told me that somebody was going to do a Ben Shapiro impression, I would tell them not to do it. And meanwhile, you fucking made it. I noticed me, Red Band Christina, and the band clapping at once. I mean, yeah, that's pretty crazy. It's a big risk. I mean, you took the risk of these people not knowing who Ben Shapiro is. Huge risk.

I've been doing it around town. I've been in town just for like six days and it's been doing so well that I decided I would try it out here. Where are you normally from? What are you doing? I'm from Tucson, Arizona. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Ten years this month. Wow.

Do you do a lot of impressions? Not really. I do voices like my dad and just different accents, but I don't really do impressions a lot. You are extremely talented. Your ten years of experience really shows. I mean, absolutely incredible. Can you do your dad real quick? Yeah, what does it sound like?

What ethnicity is your father? He's a Libyan. Oh, okay. And I get told I look like Momar Gaddafi all the time. Yeah, I see it. I definitely fucking see that. A young... Yeah.

It is. Has anyone ever told you you look like the bad guy from the movie Ghost? No. I believe his name is Willie Perez or something like that? Oh, yeah. No, I haven't. Thank you, Matt Mueling. Matt got it.

That's hilarious. Let's hear your dad, your Libyan father. Ali, close the refrigerator. You're wasting all of our energy. Please do it right now. Wow. I bet he sounds exactly like that. I can picture it.

How long are you in town for? I'm leaving tomorrow. God damn. Back to Tucson. What do you do for... No, I'm going to Nashville, actually. Oh, what are you doing in Nashville? I'm doing a set at the Comedy Bar.

What do you do for work in Tucson, Arizona? I just do Instacart grocery delivery in Uber Eats. How old are you? I'm 35. 35 years old. Wow. I love your fucking style, man. 10 years of stand-up.

How often are you planning on visiting Austin, Texas? I'm considering moving here, actually. I think... I think... How many of you think you should move to Austin, Texas? How many of you think everybody in this room should pitch in $20 a month to pay his rent the first few months?

Yeah. Only some of us. Chief Turnbull's rich. That doesn't count. Ali, I fucking love it. What's something crazy about your life that we should know? Crazy about my life? Any special skills or talents?

I can beatbox kind of decent. Oh, we absolutely, positively have to hear that. It's not like those viral videos, but I can, like, hum in beatbox. We're in a live show. It's gonna be fantastic. Give me just, like, a common-known, like, melody, like a Christmas song or a children's song.

Okay. Let's do... What do you think, Christina? Jingle bells. Ooh. Jingle bells is a good one. Let's see. Jingle bells.

Jingle bells. Jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride a runway so fast. Hey. Wow. Absolutely, Ali. So much fun. An incredible set.

It's a shame you're leaving. Yeah, I was gonna give you a spot, if you... You gotta take the leap of faith. There's a time in every comedian's life where they take the leap of faith. You quit your day job, you quit your job. You quit your job, you quit your job. You quit your day job, you move to a town,

and you go all in, and there's no other options. Your options is none, son. It's time to take that leap. You're ten years deep in the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go do it. I'm telling you. Go do it.

And, you know, if you can make a Ben Shapiro impression work that well and make people that listen and, you know, have been doing comedy for a long time crack up of laughter, that means you can really do a lot of other crazy stuff. Austin is, I think it already is, but if it's not, it's definitely going to be the comedy capital of the world. And this is a great place for someone like you to thrive.

So I would highly consider moving here, and here is a handmade Texas leather jokebook to think of... to think it over. Thank you so much. Allie Musa, ladies and gentlemen. All right. You guys ready to get a lady up here or what? Go ahead and do it.

That tricked me. That's a good trick, though. That is a good trick. Allie. Allie, I've never heard a guy Allie before. Is that Allie? Allie G. Oh, yeah.

We're done. Muhammad Allie. You've got a wild eyebrow hair, like Murk Rysha. Pull it. Pull it. I'll pull it later. Wow. No tweezers.

No tricks? Having trouble getting a lady out of this bucket. You want me to help you? There's more Dallas's than there are ladies. How about Moni is mo... Molly. Oh, it's Molly. Molly Vivant.

This is a new name. Here she comes. Molly Vivant. I do believe it's her first time ever on Kill Tony. Let's see how it goes. Our first lady of the night. Hell, yeah. Come on, everyone.

One more time for Molly Vivant. I don't really regret my abortion unless it's 68 and sunny. It's really good stroller pushing weather. I was living in New York City for a couple years and I had my car there. It was annoying at first. I got used to it. I realized that parallel parking is just like sucking dick. I've done it way too many times to just be okay at it.

And a man could do a better job. I don't know how much time I've left. There it is. Absolutely. Doesn't get any better than that. Molly Vivant. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Incredible minute. Very, very good job. Incredible. Thank you. Wow. Where have you been? Yeah.

I just moved here this week. Wow. Look at that. The newest resident of Austin, Texas. This is a fucking takeover. Where'd you come from? I was living in New York, but I'm from South Florida. Okay.

Awesome. I love it. Absolutely. How long were you in New York for? Just a couple years. Couple years. And you did stand up there, right? I actually have only done it a handful of times.

You've only done stand up a handful of times? Yeah. Wow. My goodness. You're a fucking prodigy. Yes. I started a couple times before COVID and then it happened and I just kind of was like whatever.

Nothing's happening here. And I was stuck in leases and finally I'm back in Texas. I used to live here. Wow. Do you have a performing background? Kind of. Only fans? Jesus Christ, Red Band.

It's close, Red Band, but I've worked in porn for like six years. What? What? Hold on a second. I know her. Red Band. Hold on. You were a porn star?

I still am and that was what my next joke was about. Wow. Holy shit. Red Band, sit down. Oh my God. This is going to be the easiest interview of the night, everybody. This is incredible. That should be your opening joke.

That was going to be my last joke, was going to be about that. I love it. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely incredible. You want to do it? Yeah, absolutely do it if you want to. Okay, I've never done it before, so I thought of it outside. Okay.

Okay, so I've worked in porn for five or six years. Thank you. I don't get recognized that much outside. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. I think it's because I wear a lot of makeup. They like cake a shit ton of makeup all over my face. And it's got me thinking, I wonder if my dad has ever like accidentally jerked off to me.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. No. No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. He wasn't really much of a hands-on dad, so like I'll take it. A star is born, ladies and gentlemen. A star is born here on Kill Tony. It's a live podcast and we tape every Monday in Austin, Texas. Sometimes we do theaters around the world and sometimes we just do it on Mondays wherever we live at the time. And every once in a while there is a fucking diamond in the rough.

Wow. Incredible. You know what's great about your background is that it gives you that swag. Cause how old, you're a young girl. I'm 24. Yeah. But you got some swag to you. Like those tits are out.

I see you fucking. Oh yeah. They're so big she's got cardboard in the front. Okay. Red band. Really saying everything you're thinking here tonight. Really just no filter at all. But you got swag and confidence and you own that shit.

That's why you can tell that crazy dick joke you killed on. You killed on it. Cause we believed you. Something inside of you read like this girl sucks dicks and we like that. I like it. I love it. It really is incredible. So Molly, let's talk about it.

Is that your poor name? Molly Vivant? No. Are you trying to keep that like low key? You don't want to cross the street. I probably won't shout myself out. Okay. I have fans.

I have fans. Sir, relax. And by the way, put your dick away, sir. Relax. Thanks for the money. You can find me after and I'll let you know. What's that? He can find me after the show and I'll let him know.

Okay. Absolutely. Room closet. I have my money on Hans Kim finding you after the show. So let me ask you this. You've done, you did porn for six years. What are your like specialties? Like what, what have you, what are you, what are you into?

What do you do? Just big old naturals really. That's it. So is it, is it like hardcore at all? Or you just show off your, your bags of fun? No, I do hardcore. Wow. Really?

Yes. As seen on browsers. Oh wow. Incredible. Incredible. Are you a squirter? Red band. Red band.

Red band is a squirter. So he asks people. I don't know why you ask disgusting questions like that. It's not disgusting. That's beautiful when you're straight, dude. I feel like I'm about to squirt. I was setting myself up to ask her if she actually is a squirter, but. I feel like I'm about to squirt because I've had to pee a million times.

They don't let you do it here. Okay. Thank you. So what are any, any historic moments in your porn history? Have you like done, you know, anything? What's the wildest thing that you've done in a porn? Let's just let her answer red band. I know you're so excited right now.

Let's just interview the guest a little bit here. I don't know about the wildest right now, but I can think of some funny things like one guy that I worked with. I usually meet them on set. Okay. I'm blah, blah, blah. Nice to meet you. It's just like that.

One time I met a guy and then I like looked down when he disrobed and he had a big old ankle monitor bracelet on. Oh shit. Get the fuck out of here. That's hilarious. Can I have a, I have. Did they cover that up in the porn at all? Or was it like part of it?

It was a step brother thing. So probably not. Wow. Step brother porn. That's always fun. It's got to be weird meeting your step brother and then immediately fucking, right? We had that instant connection. Wow.

So six years in the game. Anything extreme you ever did? You ever like do multiple guys at once or anything like that? Or girls at once? Anything like anything wild? I've done a couple guys at once. I've never done like a gang bang. I'm open to it, I guess.

Wow. Have you done a DP one in the pink and one in the stink? I have done a DP and that weekend I was in LA for it. It was insanely hot. So hot that the electric went out and I was in the darkness in my hotel, but it was so hot. So was the guy that was in your asshole. Yeah. He was also in the darkness.

Yeah. They didn't want to, they don't like to run the air conditioning sometimes when you're on location because it's loud for film. So I was so hot and I was getting DP'd and I don't know why this has never happened to me before, but I was so hot that I think I lost hearing. So they're trying to give me direction and I'm just, there's nothing going on. I just couldn't hear anything. I don't know if that happens.

Was it like a ringing in your ears? Silence. Wow. You just went deaf. Yeah. Are you up for a DVDA? What does that mean to you? What is it?

What is that? I can't do it. What does that mean? Double vaginal, double anal. Like would you ever be up for it? Red band. What is wrong with you? I feel like she would be.

She's got her next to her room. Are you down for a PCP, LMNOP, QRS, DOV? That's the fucking refrigerator while the stove is on in the hot tub. He knows all the acronyms. Yeah. He knows all of it. Are you down for the KFC? I ate that last night, so yes.

Hell yeah. I like your style. You just own who you are. You're not shy at all. It shows through your fucking stand up comedy. There's no shame in your game. You own everything. Fucking amazing.

Are you close to your parents? What's your relationship with your parents? Hell no, dude. People like you never are. Everybody's always like, everybody's always like, I want to be a good parent. I want to be a good, everybody, I'm around us, right? They're always like, I want to be a good parent. I'm always there for my kids.

I'm like, your child's going to end up boring. I mean, she's close with her dad, but she doesn't want to be. Incredible. But all that trauma made you a great comic. Yep. And stick to it and keep going. Absolutely. Do not stop.

Thank you. How much time do you think you have put together, even though you've only done it a handful of times, the minute and a half that we heard tonight here was amazing. I'm just curious how much you think you have if you did it all at once. I think I could do anywhere between five and 10 minutes. Incredible. Absolutely.

I'm really excited to watch you grow. I'm into it. I'm into it. I mean, you're already... Thank you, guys. I'd like to invite you to the broom closet. Oh, red band. Red band.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Just because you guys have the same size tits doesn't mean that... Come on. Doesn't mean that you guys should fuck. I've got to be on the areolas. Molly, I love you. Please keep coming back to the show.

Please keep signing up. The odds are in your favor if you do. I'm very excited about your future in stand-up comedy here in Austin, Texas. Congratulations on the move. You belong here. Welcome, welcome. Molly Viven, everybody. Her Austin comedic debut here on Kill Tony.

Nothing but murder. Amazing. Oh, and here, take one of these. Take one of these. Don't let any porn stars shoot loads all over it. Keep it clean, Molly. What a surprise. What a shocker.

I mean, I never saw that coming. It's amazing. I've seen a couple porn stars try comedy and it's always super depressing. Oh, I smelled that the second she came on stage. Yeah. All right. Well, that's fucking disgusting again, red band. Everything you say is sort of always disgusting.

Such degenerate. Are you guys ready to end this party with a big fucking special treat, huh? I think you guys know what's happening right now. This guy holds the record for the longest standing regular in the show's history. The newest opener for Joe Rogan. The stunning sensation of the history of Kill Tony. The big red machine. The vanilla gorilla.

This is William Montgomery. For those that didn't know, I am also a porn star. I do a lot of solo stuff. I went to Six Flags Fiesta, Texas Saturday and I'm still on vacation time. Anyone else a total alpha on the dance floor at wedding receptions? Okay, just me. If Biden had been president on 9-11, he would have started his press conference by talking about the successful avoidance of Y2K and how we will forever remember the music of Aliyah.

Anyone else a total alpha picking up your kid for the weekend from your estranged wife? Okay, just me. Musician Uncle Cracker announced this week he will change his stage name as he believes his name Uncle Cracker may be offensive to some of his fans. It will now go by the name Sister Fister. Anyone else a total alpha at the divorce hearing trying to gain custody of your child even though you're British you're about to lose custody of your child? Okay, just me.

William Montgomery. Absolutely getting stronger every week. He's always killed and yet somehow he still just gets better. I think it was the Fiesta, Texas visit. I love that fucking place. Wait, you went to Fiesta? I'm a thrill seeker. You went to Fiesta, Texas? Yes, it's down outside of San Antonio. I've never heard of it. What did you do there?

Shut the fuck up, mom. Oh, his mother's here. God, yeah, Francis came. Good up for Francis, everyone. I love you, Francis. Are they really here? Are your parents really here? No, they're not. What happened to your eyebrows?

His parents have been on the show before, famously a couple times. We love them. Francis and... And Larry. Wait, that's not our name. Yeah, Francis and Larry. Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. That's the name of my parents, Francis and Larry. What happened to your eyebrows?

William, let's talk about Fiesta, Texas. What happened there? What did you do there? Well, it was raining and I ended up getting food poisoning, eating a brisket fucking sandwich, and it pretty much ruined the little vacation. What kind of food boy? What happened? What were your symptoms? I was fucking vomiting. I couldn't see right. I was sweating. I had to take my fucking shoes off.

You got it from brisket? Whoa, you had to take your shoes off? I did, my feet... You never do that. Well, I know, not normally. But I had to. I had a real bad fever on my feet, and I had to take my shoes off,

and now I'm wondering why I just said, on my feet, a fever on my feet. What was I thinking fucking saying that? That seems stupid. And I got real fucking high before this. I'm literally freaking out a little. Really? You have a bag.

What, you've never brought anything on a sandwich? Yeah, no, I'm excited to announce I literally got a sponsorship this week from Pepperidge Forms. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. Who wants some raisin bread? He's throwing pieces of raisin bread. Who wants some of this shit?

He's got raisin bread, ladies and gentlemen. He's throwing raisin bread into the audience. He's really throwing it hard in the audience. Yo, better fucking watch out! He's got real life raisin bread, Pepperidge Forms swirl. Wow, that's a good time, too. That's fantastic.

Oh, I'm sorry! Christina, let me just tell you what's happening here. What? So William was a party machine the whole time that we've known him. Three months ago, he got sober from drinking and cocaine, completely sober, and he filled in all of his drinking and cocaine addiction

with raisin bread, it turns out. Makes sense. And what is absolutely wild is that we've been talking about this new raisin bread addiction for a few weeks here. And by the way, on this show, I know it seems like it would be stupid for us to do it this way, but it is stupid, and we do do it this way.

We don't communicate with our regulars anything that we're going to do. Nothing, literally, ever is ever planned. And the fact that you brought raisin bread up here for the first time ever, and saying that you got a sponsor from Pepperidge Farm, which is clearly a gigantic lie, because Pepperidge Farm...

I promise you, it's literally a new sponsor. Pepperidge Farm is a gigantic company. Whatever. What's wild about this? I know, it was shocking getting the call from them. William. I was shocked when they fucking called. When I saw it on my caller ID, I see Pepperidge Farms.

I'm like, oh my God, they're literally responding. Wow. Well, William... Holy shit, how is this happening? By the way, William... My life's about to... Shut up, breadman! That's the shittiest raisin bread ever, though.

That's the shittiest raisin bread you could ever find. Okay, whatever, dude. Well, what's really crazy, William, is that... Oh my God! Is that we actually did get you a raisin bread sponsor. What? So, why don't we do a thing where, instead of the audience catching raisin bread,

you catch raisin bread, and for every raisin bread that you catch, you get to keep. Not that. Put that... What is this raisin bread, though? This is amazing, famous, Martin's Potato Rolls. Martins has the number one...

By the way, they're founded in 1955. They are the number one potato roll bread in the world. They're not GMO. They got a soft pillowy texture. They're family-owned and operated. And they also make the number one hamburger bun in the country. What the fuck are you reading, red man? Martins Potato Rolls!

Wow. You brought raisin bread. We brought raisin bread. This show is the dumbest show of all time. This is literally... This is like Special Needs Olympics, the show. I do just... Honestly, I want to take my sponsor, Pepperidge Farms,

for getting all this done. Martins Potato Rolls, a local company, by the way. This guy is the king of Texas. I met him before the show, founded in 1955. It is ranked the number one hamburger bun in the country. Family-owned and operated, non-GMO, here in Austin, Texas. Don't fucking take that. Don't take that. He's trying to take some of the raisin bread.

William refuses to share one loaf with the guitar player, Matt Muelling, who has an entire family, by the way. Matt Muelling has children, and he refuses to share a loaf of bread, everybody. This is what a star is. This is how real... I don't give a fuck anymore! I got a brand comedy sponsorship!

Oh, William! William, will you roll around in that raisin bread? Let the fuck up, man! Don't roll around in the bread. Don't roll around in the bread. Can I tell you what I love about you? Is that... You're... You're what stand-up comedy should be,

which is chaos... and crazy. Like, you're like a fun Kyle Canane. You know, or like a... Man, like, you're what makes people like... Like, you're... Watching dudes like you is why I wanted to be a comic. Because you're just like...

Like, it's so fun! Yeah, I love you! I love it. Your DNA is to be a comic. There's nothing else you're gonna do with your life. You know that, right? This is it! You're fucked!

Oh, no! Yeah, that's it. Opening for Joe... You're fucked, yeah! Just started headlining. Has his own monthly show now here at Balkan Gas Company. Where he does extended-length sets. A long time on stage.

At least 30 minutes of just straight William Montgomery. When's the next one, William? When, uh... A real comedian. He's got it written down. September 10th. At 8. At 8 o'clock.

So get your tickets for that. William Montgomery and Friends, is that what it's called? Yes. We could be more creative than that next time. We can give it a better name. The Raisinbread Express, perhaps? Yeah, that could be good. Yeah, Christina, what are your thoughts on Raisinbread?

Do you like it? I love it. This is fancier than what I get. I like the way he does all the crazy stuff. No, this is the best Raisinbread. Put butter on it. Get the maple shit. I put peanut butter on mine. Ooh, interesting. Yeah, I fancy it, yeah.

William Montgomery is an absolute legend of the game. Tony, can I say one more thing? Yeah, absolutely. Also, September 25th. At Soul Jewels... Oh, God! I had one shot at that. At a place called Soul Jewels in Pennsylvania.

It's in Cuba. And Ryan Joseph. Okay. If you happen to be in Pennsylvania. I love it, William. You're out there. You're doing it. Living the dream. You're an absolute... I agree with exactly what Christina said.

You are built for this. You are like, you know, and Andy Kaufman meets fucking Chris Sparley, meets Will Ferrell, meets everything, but you're doing it the right way, your own way. Writing these things yourself, and now that you've found... Now that your mind is clear,

I just think that there are no limits for you. How loud can this place get for one of the best comics in the city, William Montgomery? We did it! That's another episode of Kill Tony. Look at this amazing drawing by Ryan Jeibelt. Wow!

Is that crazy or what? I'm honored. It's gorgeous. You can get tonight's print of this episode. Episode 520-something right here. Oh, my goodness. Thank you again to Martin's Potato Rolls for that climactic show. Yeah, Martin's. Support Martin's, guys.

How about one more time for the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band? And how loud can this place get for one of my favorite humans, comedians, and people on the planet, Christina P! Thank you! Amazing. September 10th and 11th at the creek in the cave.

Your mom's house. Where are my moms at? Christina Pazinski, everybody. Where your pants high? We did it again. We had so much fun. Thank you to the audience, which makes it happen every single week. We love you guys so much. Good night, everybody.

Love you. We keep moving on. What a great night of hard work. You got your name in my head. You got your name. Thank you. Thank you.