KILL TONY - #523- ALEX JONES

Episode Date: September 17, 2021

Alex Jones, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Davis Lucas, Matthew Muehling, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/06/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shop squad dot TV.

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It's Monday night here in Austin, Texas. Oh, it feels good. Guys, how about a ham for the fucking band? Have you ever heard anything like that before? That's the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball, Peanut Butter Whiskey. Holy shit, what a show these guys put on. That's Matt Mueling on guitar, the great Michael Gonzalez on drums, and our good friend D Madness right there on bass guitar, singing us a little fucking tune to get things started tonight.

I love it here in Austin. We've been having a blast. Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. Yeah, the two best strip clubs in the world. They're up there just spraying their spray right on these tables right here. If you guys get sick, it's them. I love it. That's not true. We're all filled up on CM Smokehouse, delicious food. CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres, our friend Yoni, who's also camera number one.

Look at that. Look at that doofus over there. Look at that guy. Gets us all filled up. We had a great time yesterday. A special Labor Day tree, Nether Hour performed at CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres. It was great. Fun stuff. Fun episode ahead of us. You guys excited to be here tonight? Great. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. According to Forbes, gyms, nail salons, hotels, mom and pop stores,

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You literally have nothing to lose. Red Band, tell these people what I'm trying to tell them. I mean, how many years have we sat on that big, clunky wallet? Like, why is a wallet in our back of our pants? Who thought of that idea? It hurts your back. And a lot of times you have that big wallet that you get like target and it has like millions of business cards in there.

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Use the code killtony at checkout. Again, 10%. Save it. Get it. It'll last you a lifetime. Go to ridge.com slash killtony and use the code killtony at checkout. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week I have one of the funniest human beings

in the world on this show. Every week it's a different guest. I'm so excited to have this guy back. This guy brought us back from the depths of cancellation a few months ago. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the return of Austin's own, the great Alex Jones, everybody. Yes.

These people get it. Some people over there get it. Fuck yeah. He's back, everybody. Oh, shit. It's good. America's own Alex Jones has arrived. It's good to see folks that are having fun and not living in fear.

That's good. That's goddamn right. Best city in the country. Hell yeah. Austin. Goddamn right. There's no fear in this room. It's going to have some scared standup comedians,

but no one's afraid of fuck. We're out here. It's time to legalize comedy again and you're doing it. Absolutely. These folks are doing it. I love it. We had such great feedback from your last episode, Alex. Just wanted you to know that people love you, man.

It's fucking great. And Joe was here. That's always fun. Yeah. Joe popped in. Joe and Duncan at the same time. Anything can happen here in Austin. Probably not going to happen on this episode.

I guess when you're on acid, these lights are a little bright. Oh yeah. We're going to have fun. We're going to get it. I have five hits right now. I'm joking. We're going to get this thing started with a fucking bang, Alex. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys know how the show works.

People get 60 seconds on this show. I pulled their name out of the bucket. You know they're 60 seconds uninterrupted. It is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It sounds like that. There you go.

And but let's start with the regular. You guys know the show. You like regulars. You like people that are being molded to be some of the best fucking comedians in the world. And they really already are. This first guy was made a regular here in Austin, Texas. He has been absolutely destroying every week.

We love him. It's fun to watch him grow. This is a brand new minute by Kiltony's own Hans Kim everybody. What's up guys? Good to be here. I think a lot of white women don't want to date Asian men because they're insecure about how we're better women than they are. I got less confidence than you.

I'm better at being interrupted. Better at being told what to do. I'm smoother than you. And I got a thinner waist. Very small man. A lot of the whites that I know commit a lot of microaggressions against me, which I find very hurtful. This one white was like, you know, you got a very Asian smile.

I was like, thanks. Now I get to think about how I'm physically different from everyone around me. Every time I feel happiness. My friend says a lot of dumb stuff. My friend was like, dude, America is so divided right now. And I was like, actually we're very united. And if you say that again, I'll shoot you in the face. Thank you guys.

A new minute by the great Hans Kim. Every single week just out here doing it, making it look easy. Hard thing to do a new minute every single week in front of the whole internet. Yeah, like everyone to know that I'm very good at this. You really are. At one point you mentioned that Asians are good at being told what to do. Is that true? Take one step back for me one step back.

Yeah, it is. Okay, perfect. Take a step forward. Awesome. I didn't know that was an Asian stereotype. I mean, how else do you have a billion Chinese people in China? We've got to be organized. You know, we've got a headmaster who tells us what to do.

We're like little work grants. We don't think for ourselves. He said it, not us. Yeah, I don't know what to say about that. I disagree. What about your theory of Vietnam about 10 countries have tried to conquer them? I don't think they follow people's orders. Or the Japanese, they weren't too good at following orders.

At least the rulers weren't. We only take orders from other Asians. Okay. There you go. Are they obedient? Yes, master. Yes. Well, I think that goes back to a lot of feudal states.

It was the same in Europe till the Renaissance. 500 years ago, they chopped your head off if you didn't bow down to the lords. Southern people are the same everywhere. That's why we got America to tell the world, bullshit, we're all fucking free. Yeah. Fuck yeah. God damn it.

Oh, I love it. A rip-off Sam Kaddison. Oh, Hans, you famously on this show every week, you've been making out with girls left and right. This has become a new trademark of you. A lot of people hate it on the internet. A lot of people love it. I actually posted something this week with a bunch of pictures of you

making out with different girls on this show. And I was surprised at how many people felt like it seemed negative about it. A lot of people saying herpes and HPV and fucking super spreader. Yeah. Everybody's like all these people on the internet are like afraid to get sick or something like that. Not here in Texas. We don't play that show.

We already have all the. That's how you get sick is living in a bubble. That's what the real science shows. That's true. Thank you, Alex Jones. That's absolutely true. That's absolutely true. That's the sound of us being demonetized off YouTube by this episode, everybody.

That's right. We should all live in a bubble and do whatever foul she says. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Dollar science. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. But Hans, you haven't gotten sick or anything from any of these kisses, right? If anything, you love it. They heal you, right?

Yeah. We're transmitting the disease of love. Red rose, yellow rose, come on down. They actually, they have been. Last week there was a. A hot dog eating contest. Many, many dogs. Thank you.

I don't know what that means, but seems hilarious right there at that point. No sexual connotations. I love it. But he's Asian, so it's a Vienna sausage. Oh, now we're being politically correct. It's a testy roll. Hey, I have the largest. I have a micro penis, so I can make the joke.

It's the largest micro penis in North America, though. Asian below the waist. Oh, they go, wow. Those little balloons, you know. That's what your dicks like. I'm just joking. All right. I'm black from the waist down.

Oh my God, I love it. Hans, how do you feel about this making out with different girls thing every week? Let's really just find out from you how you feel about it. I feel like it's a great tradition and. You like it? Let me ask you this. Do you prefer because sometimes it's normal homegrown Texas girls that come up and make out with you. And sometimes, like Alex said, it's the strippers from the yellow rose and the red rose.

Do you have a preference? Do you have a preference to natural or whatever that is up there? I mean, we did find out that he's kissed like the same girl three weeks in a row. Stormy is very beautiful. I love the organic homegrown, you know, like whole foods, but I also love like F1, you know, Formula One racing fucking Ferraris and Mustangs. Yeah. It's all different types.

So you know Gilligan's Island. Do you like Ginger or Marianne? Marianne? Is that a? Yeah. I like Marianne personally myself as well. Okay. I love it.

Are there any ladies in the audience that want to come up and make out with Hans Kim tonight? Is there anyone that wants to do it? He's a young Asian comedian living his dreams. If there is great, if not great, it doesn't really matter. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

It's up to you. Let's talk a little more. Oh, look at this one. All right. Whoa. Whoa. Holy shit. This is incredible.

We've seen this before. And she ain't bad looking. Let's see how it goes for Hans. This better be a real make out session now. Whoa. Wow. Look at them go. Oh, there seems, hold on a second.

You stay over there. There seems like there's real love in the air over here. I've never seen Hans look at this little boy. Look at how excited you are. Hans, can you even speak right now? I think she has a thinner waist than me. Thinner? Oh, she's ready to go.

Did you say thinner? Yeah. Okay. Most girls have a bigger waist than you? Most girls on Tinder that I can get. Oh, I got you. I got it. Young lady, what's your name?

Hannah. Hannah. Heyland? Hannah. Hannah. Hannah. Penny, Hannah. Hannah, is this your first time making out with an Asian boy?

Actually, it is. How did it feel? How did it make you feel? It was really good. I've always liked Asian boys, but they've never liked me. I thought it was the other way around. They just don't date white women. Hell yeah.

Well, right now there's three hard nips on this stage, so. Hans, what do you think? Is there a chance you want to go out with this girl? Would you go out on a date with Hans Kim? Yeah, I would. Wow. Now, did you know about this part of the show? Were you like a fan of the show?

I did. I did know. And you were looking forward to this? Did you come with like a boyfriend or something? No, she came with her sisters. Did you come to bag him tonight? Obviously, that's what I'm doing up here. That's right.

Would you say bang bang? Bagging. Pick him up. Take him out over her shoulder. You know, like a Jaguar. We are not letting Alex touch the sound board tonight. Gay frogs, gay frogs. All right.

All right. Put it away. Oh, no. Oh, no. Not the rooster. Oh, getting hungry. Hans Kim. This is just more fun than when I'm drunk.

I'm usually here drunk. Yeah, yeah. Alex Jones is sober right now. First time in 25 years. Alex Jones making it happen. All right. So, Hans, I feel good about it. You did another new minute.

You made out with a, how do you feel about this girl? I feel like she's very beautiful and I'd be privileged to spend some time with her. All right. That's it. This is it. This is the autistic dating game with Hans Kim, everybody. How about one more time for Hans Kim, everyone? There he goes.

There goes the great Hannah. Is it Hannah? Yeah, give it up for Hannah. There goes Hannah. All right. To the bucket. We go, everybody. Here we go.

Time to meet a stranger, a complete stranger. Perhaps someone that's been lucky enough to be on the show before anybody can sign up. It might be a first timer. It might be a local comedy vet. The show will begin with Barb Kathleen, everyone. Barb Kathleen. All right. Here we go.

Barb Kathleen, come on down. Come on. One more time for Barb Kathleen, everybody. Yeah. Whoo. I've never played a raffle. You have done well, Lord Vita. Hold on.

One more time for Barb Kathleen. Here she goes. 60 seconds. Barb Kathleen. Okay. Last Tuesday, I had a mammogram and an appointment to get my mammogram. I had an appointment to get my tires changed on the same day. I took the loaner home and they called me and said,

you need another $1,200 worth of work done. And I thought, wow, I got felt up and fucked on the same day. That is the most action I've gotten in a long time. Sad, really. And then my kids, I have three adult children. They're all hiding. They're all hiding. Oh, sorry.

And they think I'm an idiot. And they're like, oh my God, do you have Alzheimer's or what? So when they need a sandwich, I'm like, I don't think I know how to make one. Wow. Look at that. Barb, you're adorable. I love this. I love it.

Welcome to the show, Barb. Is this your first time doing stand-up comedy? I get the feeling it is. Keep that microphone. Hold on to it. Oh, sorry. Yes. Because my son is obsessed with you.

We watched it. Okay. That makes no sense there. First time on stage. I know. But let's just, really. I mean, the timing every once in a while. We really got a, like on the last word, I don't have no idea what she's saying.

She told me she heard I'm really mean, but now she knows I'm sweet. Don't believe those lies. Thank you. You want some action? Come sit right here. Oh, shit. Look at this. No.

Hold on. Okay, Barb. So let me get this right. Your son brought you here. He's a big fan of the show. And he made you sign up. He told you. No, no.

So we watch you on YouTube. I live in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Okay. We watch you. And he's, so we, you know, he, he's like, oh, and I helped them moved out. My son and my fiance moved to Austin. Just moved here. Yes.

So I'm just here. Right. So he's like, we'll go see kill Tony when we go. And if we do, we'll sign up. And I'm like, okay. And you guys all prepared a minute? No. So he didn't sign up.

I signed up. Oh, he didn't sign up this pussy. You know what? Bring him up here. Call him up here. What's his name? Get up here right now. What's his name?

What's his name? His name is August. Colin? August. Oh, look at this douchebag. Oh my God. Oh my God. This fucking guy throwing his own mother under the bus.

Look at this fucking. Thank you. And they're all like, they're all like, mom, don't go. Don't go. They're, they're going to be so mean to you. All right. So you just moved here from Minneapolis? Yeah, we just moved down.

This week. What part of town do you live in now? Rollingwood. So Westlake Hills. Oh, okay. Little, you fucking little rich boy. Huh? George Jetson.

Yeah. How do you make your money? Advertising. What a douchebag, dude. Oh, you're the king of the douchebags. I was in LA for six years. I bet you were. I can feel it, dude.

I remember this is why I moved out of that hell hole into a real city. See that? Taking a page on Alex's book there fucking straight to the crowd. Get you guys fired up a little bit. The home of the red, white and blue real America right here. I love this shit. So you work in advertising. What do you do?

You're like a player. You bang all the girls from the yellow rows and the red rows or something like that. Yeah. I'm here with my fiance. So. Oh, okay. What does she do? She's in fashion.

Oh, so she's. Yeah. Exactly. Sounds like a stripper to me too, red band. Fashion. Just as you take your clothes off doesn't mean you're into fashion. Wow. So you made your poor mom here sign up and then you throw her to the wolves.

Did you even help her? What would you, what would you have joked about if you would have got, if you would have signed up and gotten pulled out of the bucket? Dead serious. She, she was stuck. I mentioned it briefly and then the last three months she's been writing bits. She's, the first one was pretty good. I was worried she wasn't going to talk to the mic.

What's the deal with your father? You guys still together? No. No. He's passed away? No. Oh, okay. Perfect.

How about you have a new, you have a new man in your life? You ever hook up with a blind bass player before? If this guy's a real fan of kill Tony, he'll let his mom fuck D madness. All right. Let's be clear. She said a girl over there said I was mean. That I was the mean one. See, I'm nice.

What they told you is not true. Don't believe MSNBC. We almost grazed over the fact that D madness doesn't want to fuck this lady. You know how bad your performance has to be for D to be like, not for me. I don't think it was bad. She just was really quiet. And I think a lot of us didn't hear her, you know, feedback. Feedback is deep.

Talk to the mic better. Why don't you say the joke again? I know. Yes. Over and over again. Oh, D, I love it. So would you still work, Barb? Do you have a job?

I do. You're a teacher? Are you my English teacher? Am I right? You are a teacher? Yes. Am I correct? Yes.

Okay. Thank you. Oh, she's not. What is she? What does she do? No, I sell furniture. Okey-dokey. So loud and she's so quiet.

What kind of furniture? I need some furniture. Okay. Come to Minneapolis. All right. You work in furniture? Yes. What exactly do you do?

You chip wood? No, I actually, I work at the furniture store. Okay. I sell it. I'm a designer. Oh, cool. Oh, okay. Anything cool?

Do you make anything special? Like those egg chairs or anything? No, I don't design furniture. I design rooms. Oh, the layout. Yes. Oh, okay. All right.

Look at you. You got real mom energy. So how many kids do you have? I have three adult children. I love it. Which one do you like best? I hate all of them. Do you complain to the manager at places a lot?

Because you look like the type of woman that would. She seems really nice. Be nice. Yeah. No, I am nice, Alex. She has a great energy. Are you serious? You sort of look like a Karen.

Absolutely not. Okay, good. Not at all. I never. You look like Karen. Yes. That's right. I do.

I do look like a Karen. I mean, I can be a bitch, but I'm not a Karen. No, I like your style, Barb. Barb, while your son's up here, what's the craziest thing you've ever had in your vagina? I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. It was him. That's the joke.

It was him. I set you up. I've never had. It'd be so great if she actually answered it right now. Actually, it was a turnip, Tony. And think about it. He swam out of the head of his dad's dick. What?

Oh, this place is chaos tonight. We all swam out of the head of our dad's dicks. That's true. Come on. When my son gets in my face, I go, hey, you swam out of the head of my dick. Shut up. Play that for your kids. It's the birds and the bees with Alex Jones, everybody.

It's the birds and the bees. Barb, you had your first time ever doing stand-up tonight. How do you feel? Like I might die. Is this how you thought it would be? The lights? Is this the sound? I've never won a raffle in my life.

And the fact that. You still haven't, by the way. I don't know what your son said. If you're waiting for a basket of apples or something like that after the show, you're not going to. That's exactly what we said. They're like, you'll get called because it's like the opposite of that. Right.

It's true. Yeah. So thanks. That's how it works. All right. Swim all back over there. All right. Thank you, Alex.

Barb Kathleen, everybody. Hey, you know what? Barb! Barb! Barb! Have a real Kill Tony jokebook made by Boneside, full-size jokebook for Barb Kathleen. That could be any one of our mothers up there. You've got to take care of people like her.

Man. Can I get a delicious crown and coke, please? All right. Hold another name out of the bucket. Here we go. Hey, Bianca Pirato, everybody, is next on Kill Tony. Bianca Pirato, everyone. Make some noise for Bianca.

Hey, we need a kissing contest with her. What the fuck is up, everybody? Yeah! I'm so excited to be here tonight. I'm also really excited because today I'm celebrating the fact that I am three years sober. Yay! From Rufulin, don't put your drinks down in Vegas. I'm also not allowed back to my gynecologist office.

Yeah, apparently they don't like it when you moan deeper during your yearly checkup. Which I think is bullshit because last time I checked, you don't dive head first into the pool and then get mad when you're all wet. I get jealous that guys have so many different ways to say masturbate. Yeah, they got beat in the meat, five-knuckle shuffles, spanking the monkey, playing the pink guitar. Ladies, what do we have? Flicking the bean. What the fuck does that mean? And I'm sorry, to me that's a little racist.

I like Mexicans. Yeah. This one's for the guys in the room, though I got one more thing to say to you all. What the fuck is up with you guys spitting on our vaginas so much during sex? There it is. I was wondering when that pesky bear was gonna come out. How about one more time for Bianca Pirato, everybody? First time ever on Kill Tony.

Welcome to the show, Bianca. Thank you. How do you feel? How long have you been on stand-up comedy? I've been doing it consistently since April. I started a little bit before the pandemic, though. Oh, okay. April of this year?

Yeah. Okay. Welcome, welcome. You have the energies if the Chucky doll took over a Barbie doll or something like that. You seem like you'd be a really scary roommate in the middle of the night, walking down hallways. I picture you scurrying. Yeah, that's why now I live alone. Okay.

I had complaints. No one wants to live with a ghost. Bianca, what do you do for work? I used to do social media advertising and run meme accounts for people. There you go. Now I... What I would give to delete that sound effect. It just never really works, but I know it never ends.

It's for guys that pay money on the internet to see strippers and stuff, right? There you go. Okay. It's bringing back flashbacks for me. She knows what it is. I love it. And you made enough money off advertising and whatnot to survive? Yeah, no.

That was what I was doing for income for a while. And now I'm booking a couple of shows around Austin, so that's paying my bills. So you're doing full-time stand-up comedy. Yes. I love it. What do you do for fun? Yeah. What do you do for fun?

What are you into when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What else about you? I love stand-up. That's my number one thing. But when I go out, I love hanging out with friends. You always mention Nether Hour. They're some of my favorite people to go watch play. So anytime I can get to one of their shows, I do 100%, but yeah, I hang out with friends.

I like to cook. I'm kind of OCD. I like to clean my apartment when I have free time. What would free time? Clean my apartment. Oh, clean your apartment. Like the way I miss things. There you go.

Adderall. Yeah, Adderall. I did just get high and start cleaning. Do you do uppers? Yeah, I guess. Oh, okay. There you go. They can't shoot on you about it if you're open.

They're in the eight and a half year history of the show when I ask people what they like to do other than stand-up comedy. Has anyone ever mentioned cleaning? Yeah. That's not what I thought I was going to say when I came up here. Do you have any special skills or talents? Can you like bend your arm a wacky way or something? I was so scared.

I was hoping you wouldn't ask me this. I was like, I can either speak gibberish or I can shotgun a beer really fast, but like that one's really douchey. You can shotgun a beer? I don't think anybody's ever shotgunned a beer on this show. Do we have a long boy? Do we have a... Yoni, can you get your knife or something?

Make the hole for me. Make it big. But why don't you speak in tongues? How many do you want to see? I like noodles. I like noodles. Wait, I need to pop it though. Does anybody have like a key or something?

There's not a hole in it. Yoni, put a hole in this fucking thing. Yeah. Make it big. Hold the camera. Somebody tell your producer guy to hold the fucking camera and get you doing this. You guys all retarded over there? Jesus Christ.

I mean, what do these people do it? How about a hand for Bianca? We're going to find out. She seems like the kind of girl that would lie about knowing how to shotgun a beer. We're going to find out right now. Make some noise for Bianca Peralta. Let's time this out. Oh shit.

Wow. Damn. That's some punk rock shit. A lot of standing ovations out there in the audience for that. She has a good throat. She's got these like stone cold Steve Austin vibes all of a sudden. That was very impressive. Thank you.

Bianca, you have a boyfriend. Is there someone that you're going steady with? No, I'm single. What's that been like? Do you go on a lot of dates? I mean, not really. I'm busy a lot. Sometimes, yeah.

I don't know. Well, I have free time. I like hanging out with friends. What's the longest relationship you've been in? I guess like nine months. Nine months? Yeah. Wow.

You can't do that anymore in Texas. That's right. Now that abortion is illegal. You can't be together for nine months. I was thinking of that joke, but do it. I'd have to move out of state. Bianca, tell us something embarrassing about you. Not really getting much out of this interview.

I want some like juicy fucking gossip or something. Yeah. Tell us something naughty. Tell us something not cool about you. Not cool about me. Yo, I almost made it on the family feud. Wow. Yeah.

It was the best thing that like never happened to me. Your family almost got on there? Yeah. The piratas? Yeah. Because I didn't tell you that you need to like have a punch line prepared. And so at the time I was actually working. I was like a dog girl at the lake of the Ozarks.

If anybody knows what that is. Yeah. And um. A dog girl? Yeah. So like when boats pull up, I dock their boats. Dock. Yeah.

Gotcha. I didn't know you needed to have like a tagline prepared. So on national television, I was about to be like, oh, like I won't rock your boat, but I'll dock your boat. And that. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah.

They cut us. We didn't make it. Damn. They told our whole family like you're a failure. Wow. Yeah. That's got to be embarrassing for a family to not get on the feud. Yeah.

After trying to do it. Yeah. I wonder if I wonder if the douchebag and his mom have ever tried to be on the family. Yeah. You guys ever tried to be on the family feud? Who gives a fuck? Anyway. Bianca, you like doing comedy here in Austin?

You started here? Yeah. So I started a little bit when I was in like college. I went to Mizzou and then this is like where I really got into it. So yeah. Okay. I love it here. Well, there you go.

I love it here in Austin, Texas. You saw her here on Kilt Tony. She's Bianca Pirato. Bianca here. Take a real Kilt Tony joke book. An authentic leather made joke book by the great Bones Eye. Our good friend Adrian Cabazos makes all of these by hand here in Austin, Texas. You guys having fun out there?

All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Christian Copeland, everyone. Here's Christian Copeland. Here we go. Here he comes around the corner. Here he is. One more time for Christian Copeland, everybody. Thank you.

Happy to be here tonight with all you guys. A lot of people here, you know, someone's got COVID for sure. Just statistically, somebody's got to have it, you know, and they may not even know, but you know who you are. You do. And it's cool. Just stay away from me. Statistically, somebody here is gay too, you know, and maybe they don't even know,

but let's be honest, you know who you are. You do. Just make sure you stay away from me. Still trying to make it to heaven, you know. I had it. I had it. COVID, not gay. I had it.

I liked it, to be honest with you. Because for about an hour, I got to feel what it was like to be a girl with an only fans. Because right whenever I found out that I had it, I had a text on my guy friends, and I was like, look, we had a lot of fun the other night. I'm glad you came over, but you should probably get tested. All right. Thank you guys. Y'all be good.

Fantastic set by Christian Copeland. Welcome, Christian. Nice to see you again, sir. How are you? Indeed. You were on the show before at... I was. It was here a couple months ago.

Here at Balkan? Yeah, a couple months ago. Hell yeah. Great, great set. Appreciate it, brother. Great, powerful laughs. How long have you been on stand up? Consistently since about October.

Started in Houston, moved out here in May. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Why do you... Why the Oakland A's hat? It looks cool, man. All right.

Yeah. Okay. Baseball is like the last sport I haven't really like dove into, so I can still pick teams I don't really know anything about. But... Yeah. Can you throw a baseball fast? No.

You have a look like you can throw a baseball fast. No, I can't, man. I cannot. You athletic at all? You do any sports things? Yeah. Last time we talked about I grew up playing soccer, a little bit of basketball. Okay.

Yeah. Did you ever see tricks with a soccer ball? Not anymore. I play basketball more now. It's easier to have like a pick up game of basketball than it is soccer. So I play a lot of basketball now. All right. Did you have a soccer ball?

I mean, what else? What else do you do? What do you do for work? I'm a server. Actually, the week after I came up here, Red Band came into the restaurant where I work out. Oh, shit. That's right.

My restaurant is this. Yeah. It's a Papado seafood kitchen. Papados. I fucking love me some Papados. I don't know about you. I offered him. A free dessert.

You can have it. Didn't get one, which I was surprised by. Red Band didn't get a free dessert. Wow. I don't like sweets. Yeah. You don't like the sweets. Get the fuck out of here.

What are you talking about? You think we don't see your Instagram at 4 a.m. every fucking night? That's shit you delete when you wake up in the morning. Yeah. But that's not sweet. That's like meat and cheese. Yeah.

Okay. You're crazy. You're crazy. It's not fucking chocolate cake from Papados. Hell, yeah. D-Madness will take that chocolate cake anytime. How long have you been working at Papados? I actually used to work back in my hometown.

I worked there for like two years maybe. But your hometown is Houston. No, Lumberton, Texas, right next to Beaumont, Texas. About four hours from here. Okay. Okay. I think I rode a horse through there once. More like Louisiana from here.

Yeah, it's basically Louisiana. Okay. The cool thing about his restaurant is when Cap City was open, right next to your restaurant, there was a hotel. There is a hotel. And that's where they would put every single comedian. Oh, for real? So every single comp, me, Joey, Diaz, Ari Shafir, Joe Rogan

would hang out at that restaurant every single day. I didn't know that. And we would always talk about it. I heard a story the other day that before I worked there. I think your Papados is a big pile of faggot. How about that? What do you think about that? This old famous Papados?

I heard a story the other day that Lizzo came in before I worked there and didn't tip the server at all. I'm getting hungry. It's a pretty good place. Go, Lizzo. Joe is mad that I'm making fun of Papados. I had no idea that Joe Rogan was such a fan of it. Joe, don't lie to me.

Okay. I guess I did know that you were a fan of it. Christian, what's something crazy that we didn't find out about you last time you were on the show that you think the people might want to know about you? Something crazy. You know, something interesting. Anything at all.

My birthday's on 9-11, so it's like this weekend. Oh, sweet. When you blow out candles, are they shaped like World Trade Centers? Yeah. Listen, it was a pretty good day for me. Like, I have nothing but good memories from that day. I don't understand. Does anyone ever forget your birthday

and you're like, you got to be shitting me, dude? I have a twin brother, and when we grew up, we were playing soccer. We were both real tall. They called us the Twin Towers. Didn't have any. Wow. Yeah.

Alex, you know a thing or two about 9-11. Am I right? What are you doing to us, Tony? I know quite a bit. Look into Building 7, 47-story building. I'll be back in 45 minutes. I'm just going to... Yeah, it's pretty funny, the official story.

No, I love it. I love it. Were you going to break something here? You have some news or anything? No, it's just that Building 7 had the CIA headquarters, and people should look that up. Where can we find this like information?

What would you Google? Well, they screwed up on CBS News, CNN, and BBC, and they all announced they're going to blow up Building 7 in one hour, and then they blew it up, and then they denied it for a long time, but then the web archives came out. So it's actually not a big comedy subject,

but yeah, a lot of stuff going on. And we're back. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? I'm just kidding. Here we go. You brought it up. No, I know. I'm joking.

I'm joking. Next, let's talk about the collapse of Afghanistan. Like I said, it was a pretty good day for me. Let's do it. Speaking of leaving people behind, Christian Copeland's still up here. What's up, Alex? Christian, what are you into?

Like, what are your, like, hobbies and stuff? You seem like the kind of guy that does a little fucking Frisbee golf, am I right? Oh, dude. I like keeping up with sports. I like watching the NBA. I like basketball. I can't believe how much you're a red-headed guy

with long hair. I can't believe you love basketball like you do. I've never seen anything like it before. Are you good out there? I'm all right. How many of you want to see how high this guy can jump right now? Let's see it.

We got to see it. Come on. No. I cannot jump high. You have to out-jump, Alex Jones. Jump. Oh, my God. I love you so much.

You really are the best. I'm 6'3. I cannot jump. I can't hop around like a gay frog. Christian, why aren't you going to jump for us? What do you want? You want a heel click? Like, what do you want me to, I can't,

I mean, I can't, like I said, I'm 6'3. I cannot dunk. I cannot jump high. Holy shit. Oh, my God. We almost got... There you go. He's not going to jump.

This guy, I can jump. I said this is high as I can jump. Come on. That was good. You're not going to jump. All right. Good enough, Christian. You brought the crowd into a real frenzy with that.

You saw some Michael George skill by both of us. Christian, you're a real comedian. You came out. You got visceral laughs from the audience tonight. I love comedy, man. I love writing jokes. What was the longest set you've ever done? I did 22 minutes about two weeks ago.

Have you ever, or do you work Thursday? I do not. I do not work Thursday. Do you want to do the secret show? That would be awesome. Wow. Look who just got booked on a real stand-up show and got the big kill Tony joke,

but courtesy of Bonsai. There he goes. Christian Copeland, everyone. All right. Let's get another regular up here. We're getting through all our big joke books. Let's see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, you know this guy,

his amazing joke writing ability. One of the great roasters in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. Yeah. I was in New York. I just got back to hot ass Texas. Hot as fuck.

And it made me believe that global warming got to be real. Because it ain't no way to just pick cotton in this heat. It ain't... No way. I was like, global warming got to be real. Ain't no way I could have been a slave in this fucking heat.

You would have had to take me to Martha's Vineyard. I would have had to pick cotton with an ocean breeze. I'm not fucking... I'd be thinking, like, what kind of slave would I be? You know what I'm saying? I think I would have been a house... You know what I'm saying? I'd have been in the house snitching like a bitch, boy.

Like, hey, boss, I'll tell you where they hide at if you give me a glass of lemonade. All right, guys, thank y'all. Powerful brand new minute by the great David Motherfucking Lucas. Yeah. Absolutely beautiful. I'm looking out here at all these white people

just laughing it up at your cotton-ticking jokes. I'm like, these people have never even had to worry about this type of thing, and they're out there just cracking up. I understand why white people have slaves, because sometimes I want one. I know. I know. It's crazy. They're called Mexicans, and they're readily available.

Just kidding, Mexicans. I mean, you do have kids, and that's, like, the best thing, having kids, having, like, chores and stuff like that. Yeah, it's like having little oompa-loompas, right? You end up being your kid's slave, so that's not how it works. We ain't fucking with that. Chores, right? Don't you give them chores?

My daughters is hard-headed. They not doing shit but crying. What's the difference between chores and, like, yard work? Yeah, mow the lawn. I used to have to mow the lawn in me. I ain't making my kids do none of that shit, bro. What? My kids ain't doing none of that.

What? What do they do? Chill and be on their phones and ask their daddy for money. That's what I want them to do. With the type of genetics and metabolism you're giving them, I would teach them how to fucking do the opposite of that. You're a big boy, David Lucas.

Dress plain as hell today. Up here, like, fucking... You're gonna teach your sons how to sit on the toilet seat in the dark. That's actually something I'm really planning on teaching my children. You're actually correct about that. What would you say to your son? Your name about the U? I would name him Gaylord.

There we go. Stupid. I don't know. I don't know. I don't have to worry about that because I'm not like you out there impregnating strangers on the regular... Hey, man.

If a girl tells me she feel empty on the inside, I give her a baby. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And if you feel empty on the inside, you order a pizza. Still got it. Still got it.

And if you feel empty on the inside, you sit on a hot dog. Son of a bitch. Yeah, boys. Ow, that one hurt. Yeah, you go to a barbecue and ask for a hot dog with no buns. Okay.

Okay. Yeah, I bring my own bun. What are you gonna do about it? I bring my own buns. That's right. Sometimes two hot dogs. You know what I mean? You gotta have a fucking...

12 packs. Sometimes I call my ass a hot kennel. You know what I'm talking about? All right. Thank you. One lady out there loves... She likes the sonic footlongs. Hell, yeah.

Someone does anal back there for sure. That lady went crazy for two hot dogs. I thought you were a bratwurst guy. All right. What's been going on this week, David? You had a Labor Day yesterday. I feel like you're... You've been ready to go into labor for a while now.

How was your Labor Day? What'd you do? Anything crazy? No, nothing crazy, bruh. When I was in New York this weekend, I got some bad news that my friends overdosed. So, like... Oh, yeah.

Don't kill Tony, like, lifting me up. I'm so glad I had this, bruh. Yeah. Yeah, it's a wild, wild tale. Four Los Angeles comedians all did cocaine and three of them overdosed from fentanyl was in the cocaine and a fourth went to the hospital. Again, the lady that likes anal laughed at that.

Pretty sure she's listening to a whole different podcast back there at this point. But Bianca was here tonight, so she's fine. Everybody always says fentanyl came from China, but it actually came from MIT. Just like the Wuhan virus got cooked up in Chapel Hill, North Carolina by the NIH and then shipped to China,

so they get a plausible anonymity. This interesting little factoid, fentanyl is 100 times stronger than heroin. Yeah. That's the reason not to use any drugs because they're putting it all there. Public service announcement. There you go.

Get off of drugs with Alex Jones. The marijuana's okay, right? I love Alex so long as they're not putting fentanyl in it. That's true. Alex, you went, I know how popular you are in the black community, bruh. You know you made it to World Star? No.

Well, no, I mean, actually, a long time ago, I hung out with a whole bunch of the big top rap groups a long time ago. Yeah. Whenever I was exposed at 9-Eleven and all that. Oh, hell yeah. They bought me a bunch of big concerts. I've been on the stage with all the big, all the big,

all the original OGs, man. Yeah. Absolutely great folks. Yeah, they make OGs. How long ago are we talking about the top of the rap game? Are we talking about likes? I'm talking about Public Enemy, NWA, all of them. Hell yeah.

All those guys. I hung out with all those people. I love it. I love it. Awesome. They bought me all the shows and stuff, like in New York, L.A., back when I used to travel more and longer.

That was like 20 years ago when I exposed 9-Eleven and was, you know, getting into what really happened there. Yeah. I love it. The NWA loves you and the NWO hates you. Right? That's about it. Yeah.

Well, I exposed the CIA bringing all the drugs in the black community. And a lot of those people on the show, so. I love Mr. Balazold. He's the best, man. He's the absolute. You guys are awesome. He's the goat. He's the fucking goat guest.

Yeah, he is. Guest of the year, 2021. That's what everybody's saying. So, David Lucas, what's been going on this week? What did you eat yesterday? Tell us the truth. What do you really eat? Because you big guys, you always lie.

You're like, I swear, I just had one French fry. That's it. No, I kind of cut carbs out, dawg. But yesterday, I went to, I got some McKays food. I had a hot dog. You really did have a hot dog? Yeah. With a bun?

I ate half of it, dawg. I'm not a big fan of hot dogs. I ain't like you. You know what I'm saying? What did you really eat yesterday? I ate a half a hot dog, some ribs and some brisket. That's about it. That sounds good.

Some ribs and some brisket. Sounds like you're. Here you go. I'm getting hungry. Yeah. They got the best food at Sims. We have food for you after the show. Alex Jones.

But this weekend, I was in New York at Caroline's. We were missing like 48% of our audience because of the flood. Yeah, was it bad? Was it bad? Did you see any like? Not why I was staying there because I was staying in Times Square. What happened? It flooded.

What did you get in a bathtub? What started this flood in New York City? You didn't hear about this? No, I'm getting. That was a joke on the comedy show. A whole bunch of gay guys got into a fight. That's. Yeah.

Now I don't know. Either hurricane, either. That's why I flooded, right? Right, right. But how were the shows? They were good with the small audience? They were good. New York audiences are dope.

They kind of rock like the Texas audiences. Like you can get away with a lot. They not really. What are the worst audiences in your opinion? Florida. Florida. No, no, no, no, no. Florida is unbelievable right now, especially right now.

They're like owning this whole. But before. Sort of kind of Vegas sucks. Yes, Vegas. Because everybody like wants to be doing something else. Like they just lost 400 bucks. Like they're like not in the mood to laugh. They're thinking about trying to get pussy that night.

And the girls are trying to find a husband for the future. You know what I mean? Like everybody's got like bad intentions in Vegas. It's not good for comedy. You love Vegas though, right? All the buffets everywhere. You just like it because you can walk around with your ass out. That's right.

That's what I call playing a good old game of brownjack. You know what I mean? So stupid. David, an unfucking believable set. Pull through every fucking week. We absolutely love you. The great David Lucas. He already has one of those.

We're going back to the bucket. Love you, David. The great David Lucas. Sonny Carlin is next out of the bucket on kill Tony. We're about to meet Sonny Carlin, perhaps. Maybe related. He's been on this show before. Here we go.

Come on, everybody. Make some fucking noise. We are live in Austin, Texas. This is a new minute from Sonny Carlin. So I've been doing this health program of my own design. I cut off a foot of my hair, lost 10 pounds. Everything just keeps falling off me. I called the Afghan flight program.

You heard of it? I think Joe Biden's getting a lot of flack for pulling out of Afghanistan, personally. I think he's getting a lot of flack, you know? I think it's a good quality in a politician, you know? To pull out. Because if they're going to fuck kids, come on. You know?

It's going to be great. I miss Trump a lot, though. I don't know about you guys. I miss him. He was super exciting. Biden reminds me of my dad. I only find out about the guy when he falls down the stairs. But I also like Biden.

Don't get me wrong. He's pretty cool. You know, Biden's pretty cool. He looks at the type of guy that takes you to his favorite fishing spot. You know what I mean? He's like, look at him. Jumping all around, having a good time.

Beautiful. And I'm like, Joe, this is a playground. Sunny Carlin. Welcome, Sunny. This is your first time on the show, right? No, sir. Second time. Oh, you had long hair before.

Yes, sir. Okay. Remind us of what we found out about you. What did you do last time you were on? It was a disaster. Yeah. Just go over the cliff's notes for us. Yeah.

You literally kicked me off in like two minutes. Why? I was just a terrible. I was so embarrassed. Must have been a really special kind of terrible because normally I embraced terrible. Yeah. It was not going well.

Like you had Dallas Irvin on and then the Irish guy. And then it was just. Oh, yeah. I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. How long have you been in stand-up, Sunny? For almost 11 months now. 11 months. What do you do for work?

I feel some gas station energy. No, I do door dashing and I used to Uber Eats. Okay. So you perfect. Last time. Yeah. Wait, what? I think it was here when I was here last time.

Oh, you were. Was Alex Jones the guest? No, Michael was the. Oh, Michael Lehrer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of door dash Uber Eats people. The economy really booming right now out here for the hardworking American white man with what appears to be a.

Okay. Thank you for that. The presidential timing of Donald Trump. Everybody's got white privilege. Really? Just whenever you won, Donald, I love it. So what's something interesting about you that you wish you would have brought up last time you were on the show?

Well, I have a daughter. Oh, my God. No. Yeah. Oh, no. How old is she? She's going to be five in January. Do you have any idea where she is right now?

No. Really? Not really. I haven't seen her in two years. Oh, no. You're a deadbeat. Yeah. I'd pay my child support.

What happened? What happened with you and the mom? I'm kind of like a, you know, you ever just like been into somebody who is really fucking crazy? Yeah. So it's. So shouldn't you help your daughter out to get away from that crazy bitch?

Or are you just like, no, let her deal with it. It's a little bit difficult to deal with it a little bit because like the. What's the craziest thing she ever did to you? Come on. She faked an allegation of me assaulting her and I had. That sounds pretty fucking typical. That's not that crazy.

That's just lady shit. Women will do anything for custody. Yeah. And she got it though. She's so crazy. She has custody of your daughter. Do you ever talk to your daughter? No.

I used to do like zoom meetings, but like having a zoom meeting with like a four year old is. Can you imagine that? Is there anything I think that's more traumatizing than just completely neglecting her? Hello. I'm your father. It's me, daddy.

I swear. I really wish I was there. I really love you. People need to fight these zoom meetings because I've actually seen the government documents with the Microsoft and Facebook. They want to make it where you have to work from home. These weird virtual reality deals to quote cut your carbon output. And they're going to tie the medical ID with the shots they

submitted to your iPhone and to your droid and tell you when you can go outside or where you can go. It's already started in Australia. You better fight it and you better say no to the medical ID. Resistance. This is the exact excuse he's going to give the daughter. Years from now when what? Why didn't you zoom more with me, daddy?

No, no, no, listen. You need to go visit her. Where's your daughter live? Last I knew it was Casper Wyoming. Okay. So your ex doesn't like you talking to her? I can't talk to my ex at all. Like she has me blocked from everything.

Like no matter what, like I've tried it. Not even email. Like it doesn't even work. I can't even send a hand written letter. My goodness. Yeah, it's fucked. Wow. It's like what someone would do if you actually physically assaulted

them. It seems as though we've really cracked the code here. Yikes. Zoinks. Well, they got statistics in North America. It's true about half the time. So that's a problem, you know. You also beat the women at comedy tonight, Sonny.

It's not even a... That's right. Okay. All right, everybody. That's right. I guess it's too soon for the Sonny Carlin beats women in things. Jokes. How about a slice of pizza?

Sonny, I'm going to get rid of you fast. Now I'm remembering why I got rid of you so fast last time. There he goes. Sonny Carlin, everybody. Another good minute. Did you get a joke book last time? Nothing? Are you lying to me?

This is for being a bad father. There you go. No, no, no. Just go. You don't have to touch them, Alex. Alex shook his hand. Underage of cart. All right, let's keep it moving along.

Anthony Martin is next on Kill Tony. We're having fun here tonight. We're having fun. Chaos. You guys having fun up in the balcony tonight? Hell yeah. Look at that guy. The fuck is that?

Holy shit. Did you sign up, sir? Oh, my God. I got to get you on the show. One more time for Anthony Martin, everybody. Here he is. Here's Anthony. All right.

I have a confession. All right. This is going to be weird. I'm Arthur Martin. Anthony Martin just went to go move his phone, but we're really close friends. So I don't know if you want to stall for him or if we still get him.

You're really not Anthony Martin? I'm Arthur Martin. He just went to move his car. That's your brother? No. We're just homies from LA. We both have the same name. Okay.

Well, there you go. You have to put the mic back in the mic stand and go take a seat. It's okay. There goes, there goes. Nope. Nope. You can't do that.

That's not how it works. There he goes. Keeping it moving. Or else, if I don't do that, if I don't do that, then everybody's just going to have placeholders for their buddy from now on. That's how that'll work.

Instead, you're going to get Colin O'Meara. Colin O'Meara. These comedians, they got to learn. You got to park in a place that you can actually stay at the show that you signed up for. Parking lot right behind. Here it is, everyone. Colin O'Meara.

Fucking, how you guys doing? Fucking good. Fuck. Yeah, I got kicked out of Catholic school. I think they made the good decision. You know, I was in fourth grade and the nun told the whole class, I want you guys to pick your favorite Bible verse

and read it aloud. I didn't have a favorite Bible verse because I'm in the fourth fucking grade, y'all. You know what I mean? So I scroll through that shit. I land on Deuteronomy, funny sounding chapter. I picked Deuteronomy chapter 23 verse 2. I still haven't memorized because it goes as such.

Those whose testicles have been crushed and whose penis has been cut off may not be admitted in the community of the Lord. I'm in the fourth fucking grade, y'all. I'm like, yo, guess who just found their favorite Bible verse? So I'm mosey on up. I read a shit. The nun beats my ass.

She said, why would you say that? I said, sister, it's your fucking book, right? Colin O'Meara, everybody. Welcome to the show, Colin. This is your first time here, right? That's my first time here, yeah, definitely. Absolutely. Hell yeah. Good to see you.

I remember you as the Tiger King's boyfriend on... ...pitch show Tiger King. That's pretty good. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome, welcome. You from here in Texas? No, sir. I moved here from outside of Philly about a month ago. I got here.

Okay. What made you choose Austin, Texas? It was... I used to do comedy up in New York before the pandemic. And then, you know, they got real weird about this shit. And I was out in L.A. I actually came to your show two years ago in L.A. just to spot it out and everything.

And then they were real up pandemic too. So I was like, fucking Austin, man. This is fucking... This place is the fucking big... We're open, baby. We're open for business. Fuck Fauci. Fuck Fauci.

Yeah, you said it, Alex. It's exactly what we were all thinking. You're the only one with the balls to say. Oh, no. I mean, fuck him and all his bullshit. Thank you for narrowing it down. Absolutely. So, Colin, what do you do for work? What type of a weird business are you in?

I used to sell insurance when I got down here. I just quit because, like, nobody wants to buy insurance from somebody who doesn't even have insurance. Right. Oh, you slid right into one of your killer jokes there. I saw that. No, but it's, like, true, though. You son of a bitch.

But what do you do for work? I recently applied for DoorDash and I got denied. Yeah, I bet you did. The only reason I got denied is because my last name has an apostrophe because I'm Irish and they said, please enter your last name with only letters. So I entered it without the apostrophe and they said, that's not your last name.

And I was like, bitch, fuck, am I supposed to do? So I'm unemployed, Tony. Wow. Look at that. It's fucking rude. Even D-Madness is like, this guy's retarded over here. I love it. D doesn't even know what an apostrophe looks like.

He could, oh my God. D-Madness literally has a better, oh shit, look at this guy. He just took off his hat. He's got a fucking, he's got some, like, Wolverine costume on underneath. What is that thing? Everybody always tells me to, like, not wear a hat, especially when I'm doing stand-up

because, like, you can't see your face. Right. I only wear that one because it's got a beer opener on it. If I had a face like yours, I'd wear a hat all the time. Tony, I'm pretty. Get the fuck out of here. No, you are. You're a good looking guy. Do you have a girlfriend?

I don't. I just moved here. Like I said, I had to leave. Right. Not enough time. You have all your jewelry that you want out of grab machines, clearly. Someone's been to Cidercade. Everything on, all these are real. The neck is fake.

I swear to God. You didn't even have to say you're from a suburb of Philly. We all know. I know. It's so obvious. You have class rings from schools. You definitely didn't graduate from. What kind of watch is that?

What kind of watch? It's an Oscar or a meal. It was a gift. I don't even know if it's nice or not, but, like, it gets compliments. Hey, it's fun. What's the matter? What you got on?

I personally think you should wear fake jewelry. Oh, that's all you should wear. They don't know the difference. I just got a listen to the regular watch. I got a Target. It's like $5. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. I like Timex myself. Oh, yeah. Colin, what are you into? What do you do for fun? What do you do for fun? I mean, I play some basketball, comedy, all this. I'm a big drinker, though.

That's probably like, that's my favorite hobby. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I like Texas. You all get me. What's your favorite thing to drink? My favorite. I'm a big whiskey.

I'm a Jameson man. Really? I'm a big whiskey. I'll chug whiskey whenever. Jameson's is for chugging. It's so sweet. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Alex. Yeah.

Is that true? Can I have one triple shot of Jameson? Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, wow. Let's see. Oh, my heart, Tony. My heart. I mean, if you're going to talk shit,

if you're going to talk shit about being a big Jameson drinker, how many of you want to see this guy fucking bomb it on stage tonight? Oh, fuck yeah. Let's go. Yoni, bring it up. That's not a fucking triple. What are you doing? I'm not a triple.

What the fuck is that? Three. Three. Three. Three. Four. Three. Three.

Yeah. Here they go. This is the, how about a hamburger, the Vulcan gas company? Yeah. It's like four. Four, four, four, four. Yeah. Don't push it.

Yeah. Wow. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. I'm driving home tonight. All the time president.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck Fauci. We just got word from Gordash. She just got the job, buddy. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. They've been driving illegally because they don't want me to have a good fucking time.

Holy shit. Yeah. Anymore alcohol poisoning time. I love it. I didn't hear what that was, but fucking yeah. I love it. What's the craziest night of drinking you ever had? What's the most do you think you ever put down?

I mean, I start pretty early, Tony. I come here every week. I drink before I get here. I was fucked up before I got here. Really? You don't seem fucked up at all. Oh, I know. Professional alcoholic.

Yeah. Professional. How old do you think I am? 27. 26. I am 22 years old. Wow. I fucking look old, don't I?

Every single comment here was like, you're like 30? And I was like, bro, I'm like a fresh 21-year-old. Yeah. And they're like, you drank like you've been through like way more than that. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm just Irish. Like, I grew up making wine. That's pretty interesting.

It's that Philly shit. The water in Philly makes everyone like 30 years older than sodium. No, no, no. The water. The water in Philly. That's how everybody here knows I'm not from here. I ask, every time I go up to a bar, I'm like, let me get a lone star and a water. And they're like, you want a lone star and you want an order?

And I'm like, oh fuck. You know what I'm saying? I don't understand what the fuck I'm talking about. You're Irish? Yeah. This is my face though. I know. Yeah.

So weird. I've never seen like a fucking Arabian Irishman. I know I get Italian or like Mexican because I used to do manual labor. So like, I would knock on people's doors and be like, I'm here to paint your house. And they'd be like, oh, and I'm like, I just spoke in English, bitch. Like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Look at that. That's racist.

But I just heard three shots of Yeager hit that man's bloodstream at once. I think it was a good job, Colin. Welcome to the show. Congratulations. Good minute. Thank you, man. All right. We like you, Colin.

Take a big joke book. I appreciate you. Colin O'Meara. Thank you. Beat your kids. Have a good night. From outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Good job, Colin.

Get the fuck out of here. There he goes. There he goes. You guys want to do one more? What do you think? Out of the bucket? Let's see what happens here. Garrett Wayne.

Right out of the bucket. That sounds like a new name. Let's see what happens here. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? All right. Here he is. Garrett Wayne, everybody. How are you guys doing?

All right? Doing all right? I'm doing all right, too, I guess. It's okay to lie. It's okay to lie. People don't need to know the truth every time. Like, I was talking to my friend the other day. He's like, hey, man, you look great.

You lost some weight. Like, what's your secret? I was like, well, I signed a lease. It's out of my price range. Pounds just melt away when you can't afford food. If I lean on my fridge, it starts sliding. Now, people don't need to know the truth. Like, somebody comes over to your apartment and shows you around.

You know, it looks like a nice place. You know, all this is really nice, good for you. It's like, really? The other day, I opened a cabinet and a cockroach fell in my eyeball. Yeah. I know because I saw it. I was like, the fuck was that? It starts running away.

Hey, hey, hey, broke motherfucker. I mean, a little bit of food in your pantry, you got. It's like, Jesus Christ. Seriously, people don't always need to know the truth. Tony, I got one question. You ever heard of cancel culture, obviously? Whatever happened to all publicity is good publicity. Fuck yeah.

Okay, there you go. I believe that's the end of his set. He's quoting P.T. Barnum. He ends with a question. Garrett Wayne. It's weird. I think all press is good press. That's been proven.

And there's a sucker born every minute. Yep. Absolutely. Garrett, welcome to the show. How are you, my friend? Congratulations. That's your one of your first times doing stand up. Am I correct?

Yeah, I just started a couple of months ago. I love it. You're one of the funniest meerkats we've ever had on the show. Oh, Alex does a meerkat impression. Look at this. Yoni, can you zoom in on this? Where's Yoni? Look at this little guy.

Are you zoomed in on that? Come on. It's Alex Jones doing a meerkat. Yeah, meerkat next to him. Oh, look at him. He's a little meerkat. Holy shit. This show is insanity.

It doesn't make any sense, folks. Garrett, tell us about your life. Where are you from? I'm originally from Iowa, but I moved down here from Chicago a couple months ago. Okay. And you just stand up a couple months? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. What do you do for work? You seem like the kind of guy that has a real job. You're very stable. You have your own apartment. You live by yourself. Are you a serial killer? No.

That's the main question that I was getting at. What's your work? I just do hospitality. So like bartending, serving, catering, stuff like that. Okay. You have a job? Yeah. A couple.

All right. Out here. I work for a catering company. And then I have a bartender job as well. Yeah. That totally makes sense. How old are you? I'm 26.

26 years old. Doing it. All right. What's your love life like? What do you do for fun? Love life, non-existent, for fun. I just, right now I don't got any friends down here. So I just kind of hang out with my cat.

Holy shit. Who's taking this guy out partying tonight? God damn it. Yeah. Jeez, Louise. Have you gotten laid once since coming down from Iowa? No. You haven't had one piece of little Texas fucking queso down here?

I don't know. You ain't buttered up any muffins. I don't know. That's crazy. Is there a young lady that wants to have sex with a man who only communicates with his cat? Come on. I want to make something magical.

Give us some fun facts about you that'll make girls in the audience like you. Come on. Come on. Start rattling them off. One after the other. All the things that'll make a woman want to play a couple of instruments. You play a couple of instruments? What kind of instruments?

I do like piano, guitar. I do production work. Really? You know how to play guitar? What do you think, Matt? You think this guy knows how to play guitar? Not like that. What do you know how to play?

I would just lay down like a very little blues scale to play, and they could probably do some over top of it. But I don't play like that. Really? You think you could do that? I don't really play like that, but I'll try. Is there a woman in the audience that'll... This show has hit its limit without a doubt.

We've hit the wall hard. I can't really play guitar. I can do one scale, and then... We've not hit the wall. No, I know. I'm kidding. We've broken through the wall. Yes.

We're like the Kool-Aid man over here. Oh, yeah. Or the Schlitz-Maltz-Legger Bull. Are you your two young? Remember that? Yeah. That was better than Kool-Aid, man. It was the freaking bullbush of the wall.

Oh, wow. Garrett, you're 26 years old. Have you had sex with a girl before in Iowa? Yeah. Yeah? What was that like? A little bit lower. Bigger girl?

Bigger girls? Is that what we're talking about? No. I mean, I'm pretty prudish, so I've only had sex with a couple of women in my life. Why are you prudish? You're saying that you're the one... I am as well. I'm very prudish.

I've only had sex with no women, actually. I ain't got Will Chamberlain numbers, but it's up there. What do you mean you're prudish, Garrett? Tell us more about it. Give us an example of you being prudish. That's not true, Dad. I don't know. I feel like as a guy, the thing you raise is have sex with a lot of women and all that stuff,

but I've always been kind of shy in that way. It's the most vulnerable you'll ever be when you have sex with somebody. Is that really what you think? Yeah, I think so. Geez, Louise. People here in Texas don't give a fuck. Look, this guy's about to go jerk off right now. Look at this guy.

He's ready to go fucking spank the monkey, dude. We understand. You're a soft guy, and that's nothing wrong with that. There's literally women getting up and leaving with you on stage. I understand that. This guy is pussy repellent. It's a human exercise. You got to do it a lot.

You ever seen Off before? That's what he is for the giant. You need to get up to at least three women a day. And then every once in a while hit like five a day. That's the real number. Big areolas. There you go. You do?

Random red band. What? No, no, he does. Yeah, we got it. He likes big areolas. You got hook line that you want to do the best. By the way, folks, stay celibate. Don't use drugs.

I was joking. Okay. Try that cool. Sorry. All right. He's like, shut up, Jones. All right, Jones. Oh, I'm just...

You can play the devil. Imagine him like in a black suit and a tie. I'd love that shit. Absolutely. I'll make a movie with the devil and you're going to be it. Garrett, you ever commit a crime? At least seven years plus a day ago, yeah. Yeah, what was that?

What was the crime? Statute of limitations. Uh-huh. Okay, so what was the crime? I mean, everybody does drugs. Oh, you smoked a little marijuana. Yeah. Look at you.

Seven years ago. Yeah. In a day. Seven. You really are. You have religious parents? I actually don't have parents. Why don't you have parents?

They both died. How did they die? Separately, just health issues. Damn. Fuck, man. One when I was really young. All right, well, give the man a shot of Jameson's and send him on his way. I was...

We can't end on the sadness. I was going to try to find you a girlfriend here tonight. Now I want to find you a mother and a father. You've got the undertaker here. Alex Jones found the undertaker. And remember, Paul Bearer. Garrett, I love it. How old were you when your parents died?

Oh, come on. 13 and 23. 13 and 23. Okay. All right. Damn. Yeah. I'm trying to figure...

Make it funny. I'm trying to figure out a way around this. Are you close to their grandparents? I got a grandma. She's sweet, yeah. Awesome. You talk with her often? Yeah, call her about every week.

Okay. Well, good. She's up... She's up in Iowa? Yeah. All right. I love it. God damn.

She's a sweet lady. Is she? Is she getting... Is someone banging your grandma by any chance? Do you know? You're a stalker? I never asked, honestly. That's a good question.

Maybe you come from a whole family of people that don't really like fucking that much. Does your grandma have a cat, too? I like fucking just not with a bunch of different people. Right. Only grandma. Yeah. All right. Garrett Wayne, everybody.

There he goes. There goes Garrett Wayne. Thank you, Garrett, so much. There you go. Little joke book. It's all we have left, which is very fitting. Because that is a hard-earned... I'm like the official handshaker now.

What do you think? Bucket one more time? You think we can get something out of here? Let's get something good out of here. Bilal Swain, everybody. Bilal Swain is going to bring it home for the people out of the bucket. We've had Bilal on before. Better be fucking good.

He's fucking great. This guy's a killer. He's been on before. This is a great, great thing for the show. Ladies and gentlemen, come on. Make some noise for Bilal Swain, everybody. Yeah! You know how every time there's like a big shooting or something,

they're like, oh, it's gun's fault. We got to take guns. What if after 9-11, they were like, nope, uh-uh, planes are too dangerous. We're going back to blimps. Because imagine 9-11 with blimps, like everybody would be like, oh, that was such a terrible tragedy. Everybody on that blimp died and nobody else.

Because it was a fucking blimp. It was just kind of smushed into the side of the building and melted. What if it bounced off, you know, they're like trying to ram it into the building and it's just like... Wow. Yeah, absolutely hilarious. Bilal Swain, a cold-blooded assassin, works here at Vulcan Gas Company.

Absolutely decimated. Both times he's been on the show. Love him during the interview portion. Look at him, he's just a stone-cold assassin over here. Bilal, welcome back to the show. Another amazing set. Oh, thank you. Indeed.

Remind everybody, how long have you been doing stand-up? It's been a little more than four years. Three years. And you work here at Vulcan Gas Company. Totally, you got to get your ears checked, man. That was four years. Great. Bilal, what else in life?

What have you been doing for fun? Don't let that happen. Stop playing into it. You're really just... Okay, alright. Red Band, everybody. Really going forward tonight, everyone. I know, that's good.

Alright, back to the show yet again. Bilal, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or working here at Vulcan Gas Company? Oh, working here. My favorite part is mopping up Hans Kim's cum. So for fun, I like... Fantastic. I love it.

What do you do when you're not here, though? Anything else? Any other hobbies or things you like to do? I like to draw. That's pretty much it. The what? I like to read and draw. Draw and read.

Okay, cool. You read anything cool lately? Yeah, I was rereading The Brothers Karamazov. It's my favorite book. Okay. It's still funny, like, even after 200 years or whatever the fuck. Bilal, what's your love life been like lately? How many white girls' souls have you taken?

Not many. I'm kind of dry. I normally just fuck people and never talk to them again. But I'm getting kind of lonely out here, you know? Bilal, let me ask you. I'm into names. It's a very interesting name. What does Bilal mean?

It means the wetter. What? The wetter. Really? I literally translated it. It's interesting. The wetter? The wetter.

The wetter. Yes. Alright. I believe Bilal is the name of a high-powered demon under Satan. Hey, whoa, no, no. That's Bilal. That's Bilal. Okay.

That's a completely different name. It's not the same. It's number three. Satan's number three angel. Dude, I wish I was named after a demon. Really? Yeah, that'd be awesome. I don't know.

Demons are kind of losers. Whoa, what? You seem like a pretty peaceful guy. You do not have the name of the demon. I apologize. Oh, my God. Bilal, you seem like a pretty peaceful guy. You wake up early and meditate or something like that.

You like meditate a lot. Destroy the child. Corrupt them all. The lion. Take them for me to the fortress of death. Bilal, I am your father. This is complete insanity. I want their souls, Bilal.

You have not served me enough. A thousand souls a year. I will chain you in the depths of the night circle of hell. I'm sorry. Oh, shit. You have done well, Bilal. Bilal, you're absolutely unbelievable. I'm so grateful for you.

Actually, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Hey, look at that. Bilal, Swain has been added to the mix. Big Thursday show this week here at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday at 8 p.m. Bilal, thank you so much. Another great set. Bilal, Swain is Bilal Swain on social media.

Bilal, A-A-L-S-W-A-I-N. You guys ready to end this thing with a bang or what? What about Tony? What about Brian? Badass. I present to you your final comedian of the night. You know him. The closer here, the Big Red Machine.

Make some noise for the great William Montgomery, everybody. Yeah! Here he is. William, the vanilla gorilla Montgomery. The fact that Kermit the Frog didn't win an Oscar for the Muppet movie says a lot about Hollywood. For the ladies out there, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry about what Texas has done.

Now you only have six weeks to murder an innocent child. I know typically you try to string them along, but I hope that they may actually see the light of day, but sorry, Psycho's only six weeks. The other day, somebody told me that before he died, Christopher Reeve refused to stand for the national anthem. Yes, this abortion thing is pretty controversial. Apparently abortion decreases the crime rate,

but consequently increases the going to hell rate. I don't even know why I'm telling these jokes. I can't even get into the 700 Club. Why did Hunter Biden impregnate an Afghani refugee? Gee, you had a big butt. Wow! The real fucking shebang, William Montgomery coming in and doing every week what other people struggle to do with months or years of preparation.

An absolute monster, the best at the game. That was my Alex Jones said. How did you like that with Alex? I thought it was great, and you look like Santa Claus instead of a red outfit, though, you have the red beard. I like it. Cool, thank you. With that light mint green, that ocean foam green, it's just amazing.

It's like a sea foam green. It's quite an ensemble, and last time I was there, you were really great, too. So tell me where you're going to be doing your shows, and I'm going to come watch. I love it. He's actually got a big one here this Friday at 8 p.m. Am I correct? There you go. Here at Vulcan Gas Company, the Big Red Machines show.

That's it. It's a takeover. And also, I just want to let everyone know, last week, I was pretty sure I was going to be the new spokesperson for Martin's Potato Rolls. It turns out it's a fucking sham company. I hate those fucking people. No. Y'all don't buy any of their products.

The guy never got back to me. No, they gave you hundreds of dollars worth of bread, William. I did eat four loaves. There we go. Four. For those of you that might not know, William gave up drinking a few months ago and replaced his drinking habit with a raisin bread addiction. This is real.

This is not like pro wrestling. This is really who we eat. Yeah, no. It's very real. It's very sad. I like raisin bread. Hell yeah. If you like raisin bread, give me a hell yeah.

Raisin sediment. Yeah. Wow. Well, you all will be excited to know I just got actually sponsored by Sunmade Raisin Bread. Who wants them? Oh, shit. Actual sponsorship by Raisin Bread. He's reaching.

Whoa. Who wants them? That's the best raisin bread. He's throwing out raisin bread. Here we go. He's really whipping it. Oh. Here he goes.

He's throwing it out there. The people, William, what about the balcony? There's a whole second floor here. People want raisin bread. They're going to get it. The crowd is going wild. All right. We just lost.

Someone just lost an eye in the audience. I don't throw them so hatefully. Don't hurt them. Hey, let me show you how to throw one. He's throwing raisin bread. Oh my god. He just cut a lady's head off in the front row. For those of you just listening to the podcast,

a woman's head just got cut off by a flying piece of raisin bread. Someone clocked it. The rumor is 90 miles an hour. Some pieces of raisin bread were flying around the room. Some people I'm seeing are bleeding in the audience. Either that or it's just the remnants of raisins. You have a lot of anger issues, don't you? Yeah, I actually do.

I'm fucking pissed at Morton's Potato Rolls. You'll never buy that shit. William, that's a local famous Texas company. I hate them. They got never got back to me. Well, they got back to us. They were offering you $10,000. Bullshit red band, bullshit red band.

No, no, they were offering us like a lot of money. I don't fucking believe you. All right. Don't stalk them. Were you planning on stalking Martin's raisin bread by any chance? Wow. Yes, I am planning on stalking Richard Martin. Alex going for the bag.

Oh, he needs more. He knows the best part of the raisin bread is the bottom of the bag. Uh-oh. Oh, he's trying to put this on his head. Oh, there it is. The sun made raisin bread. He's got a sun made raisin head is what he's got. Raisin bread jokes, folks.

He's got a raisin head. It's incredible how you were able to position that perfectly. You look like a raisin bread unicorn right now. This is a serious stop. Usually I wear a tinfoil hat. Actually in the book it says a raisin bread hat works almost as good as tinfoil. Wow. It stops the Havana syndrome.

Tripoli told me that. No, I've heard about that. You know what the Havana syndrome is, right? Yeah, it's crazy. Our government's so fucking pussy they left us on the run. They think that other people are microwaving them. They don't understand that the aircraft have such powerful secret communication devices that are beyond like 10G that it's frying them.

It's their devices. We're sick at 10G! Yeah. They're tired at 10G. They're up in the airplanes. They got stuff on Air Force One that'll shoot right through the planet. Communicate with submarines. Shoot right through the planet.

It's not good for you. And they're all vomiting, wondering why. Everybody's wondering why. There's someone fucking radiation. It's the radiation. I gotta go. My babysitter's leaving. I'll see you next time.

There goes Alex Jones, everybody. That was William Montgomery. That's tonight's show, everybody. We did it. William Montgomery has a show this Friday at 8 p.m. Another unbelievable set by the man himself, the longest standing regular in the history of the show, William Montgomery, everybody.

How about a hand for the official screwball peanut butter whiskey kill Tony Band, everybody? Wow. Tonight's drawing by Ryan J. Evel. You're simply not going to believe it. Be sure to look it up online. This Alex Jones second episode of Alex Jones. It is unbelievable. He sent it in.

Absolutely incredible. One more big thanks to the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, CM Smokehouse, screwball peanut butter whiskey, SoCo Modern Art, Austin Reserve Gin, Nether Hour, Cantina and Cantina, Michael Gonzalez, the great Matt Mueling, Michael Gonzalez on guitar, D Badness on the bass,

Austin, Texas. We love you so much. Thank you for coming out tonight, everybody. Thank you. La la la la la la la la la la la la Crotch never die yet. Loved you. I'm gonna be your friend,

I love you. You're the only one I love. I'd like to see you, I'm gonna love you. I'm gonna love you. I'm gonna love you. I'm gonna love you. I'm gonna love you.