KILL TONY - #524 - KYLE DUNNIGAN + KURT METZGER

Episode Date: September 24, 2021

Kyle Dunnigan, Kurt Metzger, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/13/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com.

And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Let's go! Come on, Austin. There's people listening to a podcast right now. You have to make more noise than that. We're here tonight, Dan. Fuck yeah. The great red bands here. What's up, everybody? This feels good out here tonight, doesn't it?

I just spent the weekend at my former home of Los Angeles, California. I spent 15 years living there and goddamn it, I gotta tell you, it's so good to be home in Austin, Texas. You played the amazing forum, man. That was great in Los Angeles. Yeah, the forum went to the comedy store, performed there for the first time in forever. That's crazy. But I'm telling you, man, there's just something I couldn't wait to get back to Austin. And here we are, look at all these fucking hairy faces out here. We're back home, dude.

California people shave, even the women shave in California. It's wild. Good to be back here. How about a hand for the band, everybody? This is it. Screw All Peanut Butter Whiskey presents the Kill Tony band. That's Matt Mueling on guitar. Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

And how about a hand for my man D-Madness on that bass guitar, everybody? It's just, it's unbelievable. Our friends from Shazeer here, Yoni's here out there with the loose camera giving us barbeque, feeding us delicious CM smokehouse at Bolden Acres. Fun stuff. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, live from Vulcan Gas Company, the number one live podcast in the world. Now, 523 episodes.

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When you order, make sure to tell rockauto.com that you heard about them on Kill Tony. Again, that's rockauto.com. Back to the show. So you guys are ready to start tonight's show or what, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, this is very, very exciting. Every single week I have one or two of the funniest people in the world as guests on this show. This week is absolutely no different. These guys have both been on this show before.

Both paid regulars at the comedy store. Two of my favorite comedians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the great Kyle Dunnigan and Kurt Metzger, everybody. Wow. Unbelievable comedians. Yeah. Kyle Dunnigan, Kurt Metzger. They're here.

We're doing this shit. You guys have been here before. Kyle Dunnigan, for those of you that don't know, has literally the funniest videos on Instagram and YouTube. Thank you. He makes his face like Kardashians and crazy shit. Kurt's an amazing writer, yes. And you can catch all of that at youtube.com slash Kyle Dunnigan. And that's it.

I'm going to take off now, but thank you guys so much. Go to my YouTube channel. Yeah, Andy also has a tour coming up. KyleDunniganComedy.com. Great Kurt Metzger is here, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. He's a writer. Thank you very much.

He's a writer for Kyle Dunnigan's YouTube. Yeah, I work at Kyle's thing. Absolutely hilarious. And I told Kyle this earlier, but he's one of like three people that make me laugh on the internet, those videos. So thank you. Shane Gillis and Tim Dillon. Tim Dillon. Yeah, it's pretty.

Yeah, it's a good company to be in. I keep a short list. Good. You guys have been on this show before. You know how it works. A bunch of people signed up to get the chance to perform on this show. You know, there's 60 seconds is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up.

Then we're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? All right. Here we go. Let it begin. We have a regular on this show. Oh, the great Ryan G. Bell drawing tonight's episode all the way from Los Angeles, California. He draws everything, draws all the prints of every single episode.

And we have the great local artist, Chris Rogers back here drawing something as the show goes on. Anyway, let's start the show. Your first comedian tonight is a regular. So instead of pulling a stranger out of the bucket, we're going to start the show with a little bit of a bang. This guy was made a regular just a few months ago. He absolutely destroys. We fucking love him. This is the great Hans Kim, everyone.

With a brand new minute. What's up, guys? I used to... Oh, I used to have sex. Hey, that's just like me having sex. It goes in. I used to have sex with this girl who was really into yoga and chokesex. I was like, do you enjoy breathing or not?

Wake up your mind, you millennial. I don't understand sober people. You're just going to rely on your day to make you happy? Jesus Christ, take some control back in your life. Just be the mood of the economy. But I was talking to this drug addict and he was like, dude, do you have no idea what it's like to have been a drug addict? I was like, I know.

If only you guys would write books or movies or TV shows or... Paint paintings or sing songs or... Talk about it too much at parties. Thank you, guys. That's another new minute by Hans Kim, making it look easy. Starting the show with real jokes. Still got it, my friend. The good thing about Asian comedy is you're still hungry for more afterwards.

You son of a bitch. How dare you. I can't believe you just said that. How's life going, Hans? What you been up to? Amazing. I have girls DMing me. Still getting used to that.

I went camping recently with a date that I met off Kill Tony. Oh, very nice. Kyle and Kurt might not know this. So Hans was made a regular on the show and I've made it my life's mission to make his life as amazing as humanly possible. I bet. And so I literally have beautiful women make out with them every week on the show. I saw one of those clips.

That's awesome. Thank you. Look at that. This is what I'm talking about. The buzz is out, my friend. People don't know the work you're putting in to make up for that whole Asian thing from before. That's right. Yes.

Absolutely. That's exactly what's happening. I want everyone to know. This is how Asians get treated on my show. I roll out the fucking red carpet and just have beautiful strippers come up and make out with Hans. This is what could happen if you if you write and perform and it's only rewards. He never does bad on the show.

If there was ever a week where he did bad on the show, there wouldn't be a lot of pressure. You love it. I went camping with this girl and then I almost drowned in the river and my date had to come rescue me. Wow. I felt a little effeminate, but happy to be rescued. How did you how did you almost drown? What happened?

So our raft got punctured and I tied her on my waist and I was swimming and then my goggles kept fogging up. How'd you puncture the raft? I think, didn't the country of China ban feminine men like you? Man, they can't pull a raft. What happened to the raft? Your needle dick prick it? Come on, man.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Everyone knows Asians have huge cocks. Thick, girthy, massive dicks. If anything, your dick could have blown the raft back up again. So do you know you don't know how it got punctured? You ran into the bank with a sharp stick pointing out of it. Oh, wow.

You ran into the bank. Must be a Jewish girlfriend, huh? Just kidding. Again, these racial stereotypes are not condoned by me. We're going to edit all these out at some point. Red Band always remembers to edit the things out that it's always funny when I say that and then the people are just listening to it. So what else, Hans?

You went camping. Did you get laid out? I did this as a trick. Oh, I'm drowning. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the girl comes over and you just start butt fucking her, right? Am I close to right on this? You were absolutely right.

Perfect. We had a lot of intercourse. The camping trip was mainly intercourse. Wow. Why have the raft part? It's just to let her vagina rest. Is this the girlfriend that you've been... Whoa.

This guy Hans is awesome, dude. He's amazing. Is this the same girlfriend you've been dating for a couple of weeks now? Yeah, but after the trip, she didn't want to date me anymore. What did she say exactly? What the fuck? She said I wasn't emotionally mature enough. That's a...

For those of you that don't know, Hans is autistic. It takes people a few months to realize Hans is autistic, but he really is. He's just a savant. You're good at many things, right? Yes. You play any instruments? I play guitar.

Are you serious? Yeah. Really? Uh-huh. I'm pretty good at it. Really? Shut the fuck up. Matt, would you let...

Whoa! Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I've spent so much time making hot chicks throw their tongue in Hans' mouth. I've never asked him if he actually knows how to do anything else. This is crazy. The kid can do everything. I'm more than just a pair of lips, Tony.

You're going to play us a little something? Sure. All right, here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, let's see what happens here. This is Hans. Wait, should we guess if it's going to be good or not? Because I feel like it could go either way. I mean, it could be a panty dropper, but it could be a disaster.

No, I'm going to say autistic, you know... One note over and over again? No. No. I was going to go the other way. Like, it's going to be Rain Man. Okay. You think good?

I am almost positive this is going to be good. All right. Pressure. But at the same time, I could, like, see him strumming that and being like, oh, it was a ukulele. I don't know how to play the guitar. I'll tell you, the fret looks like he's good. He's really got a good fret. He's going to be good.

He does. He definitely has that first chord prepared. It's in the fret push. That's how you could tell. Yeah, really good fret push. Small pain, it's good fret push. All right, ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. How many of you think it's going to be good?

How many of you think this is going to be bad? All right, a lot of haters in the cheap seats up there. I say, yeah. It's 80-20. This is going to be like when Marty McFly invented rock and roll at the enchantment of the Seedance. All right. There we go. Marty McFly, ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim.

When you were here before, look you in the eye. You felt like a feather in a beautiful world. You're dressed like an angel in a beautiful world. I wish I was special. Yeah, so fucking special. But I'm a creep. All right. All right.

All right. That's enough. That's good. Unbelievable. That is very good. I didn't know he was going to do the whole goddamn song. Yeah, I didn't know. You get it.

You could do it. I thought he was going to stop. Normally I would cut a million other people off, but he looked like he was living his goddamn dreams on there. I had to let him go a little bit longer. I love the boy. Look at him. Look how happy he is. Thank you.

You know how excited you have to be to grab the mic and the mic stand while it's in the mic stand at the same time? Let me tell you, as a performer, you guys might not know, but that's a level of excitement. A lot of people said you were going to do good. A lot of people said you were going to do bad. Turns out they were all right. You did very good and very bad at certain times there. The guitar was spot on, and then the voice came in. It was kind of compelling.

It sounded like you were listening to a different song, perhaps, in your headphones. A little bit of cold play there, right? Accurate lyrics. Is that what that was? I was going to win you back on the bridge. Really? How does the bridge go? You were going to sing it?

Oh, hell yeah. This is what I'm going to see in my nightmares tonight, everybody. It's just him standing at the end of my bed doing that. Wow, Hans, that's incredible. How do you feel right now? I feel energized. So your girlfriend dumped you this week. Let me just remind you now that we know that you're happy and energized.

So what do you think? Should you make out with somebody? You still want to do that? Yes. All right. Whoa. Let me just say, before we do the drum roll, let me just say, every single week, I ask if a beautiful woman wants to come up and kiss Hans Kim.

I want to change things up a little bit this week. A little something for the podcast listeners that hate this part of the show. I'm going to ask if there's a girl out there, mediocre looking. You don't even have to be good looking if you feel like not so pretty today and like, you know, you have an outbreak. Wait, is this a good idea during a pandemic to pass around an Asian guy? Kurt, we're already 12 episodes into this. Everybody get their own Asian guy.

The bad news is that we've already done it. Wipe Hans down when you're done with him. I've had COVID 17 times now. Sorry. Anyway, for an autistic guy, you think his numbers jokes would be better. An Asian autistic guy. Hans, what do you think about me? What do you think about me asking if a mediocre girl wants to make out with you?

I think that's wonderful because they have like, you know, they need it more. There you go. Come on. Are there any, are there any half, half, half good looking girls? Or do I have to ask for a beautiful, is it only like a beautiful girl all night thing? Come on. Sixes are lower if anyone wants to come up and make out with Hans. If you think you're as six or lower.

Oh, also, how could I forget this? You get one of these if you do it. And I kissed Hans Kim official t-shirt. The Kill Tony logo on the back. Asian style font. I believe it's called, I believe that's the... Session one style. Wingdings, pangdangs.

I'm not sure what it is. The good thing about kissing me is after you kiss me, you're still hungry for more. Oh, God. It's so stupid. It's unbelievable. I love it. A callback to something that didn't work the first time. I love it.

Very rarely do you see that in comedy where people go back to it. Oh, can I also just say, I forgot to say, but during your rendition of Creep, I noticed a couple of like the tough guy fans in the audience. Crying. Like this undercover cop at the edge here talking to Hulk Hogan's ex-wife. You see this guy? Not paying attention to the show at all. Still has no idea that I'm talking about him.

Anyway, he was literally crying during your rendition of Creep. It was unbelievably hilarious. Hopefully he listens to this podcast in a couple of weeks when it comes out. And here's everything that I just said about him. He's literally still, still just talking. He looks like a serial killer. Filling out a bill or something like that. Murderer just sitting there.

Just trying to put together. It's got his Kill Tony bingo card out. At least onto us. All right. Is anyone making out with Hans? I don't think it's happening this week. How many single women are here? You didn't put it out very well.

I don't think I deserve it this week. Hans, here you go. Take a shirt, dude. Thank you. Ironically, the first week that you don't have a girlfriend, no one wants to come out and make out with you. Maybe open it up to beautiful women. I don't know.

I just feel bad for Hans right now. I mean, you shouldn't feel bad. You should watch the last 10 episodes. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's crazy. Hans, an unbelievable performance. A great song tonight. Whoa.

Wait a second. Hold on just a minute. Wait a second. Hold on a second. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Everybody stop.

Wait a second. He said a six or lower. Wait, Hans, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this the girl that dumped you? Yes. Wow. Oh, what a hero. Come up to the microphone for a second.

What's your name? This is Raph girl. Paige. Paige. Okay. And you were dating Hans Kim for how long would you say? Like a month. Wow.

Like what were some of the highlights of dating Hans? Like when you look back and you have like flashbacks to a, what, getting fingered at water burger. All right. Great, man. Great, man. That's the first one that comes up. What's that?

What? That's the first one that comes up. All right. What else? The weird ass strip club we went to where he did not grow strippers, by the way, river explorations multiple times. Geez. I see why Hans isn't that sad that you dumped him.

It's about as boring as it gets over here. What made you, what made you finally put the cabash on fucking Hans this week? Uh, I just had a divorce finalized and I don't want to date it, but it's not going somewhere. What, what about finalized? You just had a what? A divorce final. Oh, shit.

Look at that. Hans is the fucking, what do they call that? The, the rebound. Oh, wow. Kill time. Yeah. Kill time. The rare Asian rebound.

Not since like what, Jeremy Lynn or something. Have we seen that? Are we on an army base or something? On a very special kill Tony. The divorced woman. A divorced woman. So Hans was your rebound. So all of a sudden you go from this happy marriage.

Next thing you know, you're getting banged in the back of a van by an Asian guy. Cops are knocking on the window. So what do you think? Do you think there's still a chance for Hans? You're going to least bang him every once in a while? Are you going to be a good friend with benefits or is it just your emotions? I broke it off a week ago. He still came to San Antonio with his friends and may or may not have got some while we were there.

I did. Hey, Hans. Hell yeah. So yeah, I guess what I'm really asking, what made you come here tonight? You still... We're still friends. We're friends. We have fun.

It sounds like codependency is what made it. All right. Yeah, it does. Sounds like... You've got divorce, can't be alone for five minutes? Yeah. Whoa, whoa. Here's where the relationship is going.

Down a river into a sharp stick. Look pretty hot though, that kiss. It was. It was. Hans is famously a good kisser. Everybody says that it's incredible. He's got a very special tongue. Is that true?

Has he ever performed oral sex on you? Wow. Does he do anything different? How does he do it? If you had to describe the way Hans... Legitimately the best person that's done it. Wow. Look at that.

That's incredible. That's incredible. Let me ask you this. Are you hungry for more tongue when you're after you have it once? When he eats your pussy, does he use chopsticks? Oh, come on, man. Come on, man. Does he ever try to put it in one of those boxes with the metal wire at the top?

Come on. I want to take it home with me. No, but I did think the soy sauce was weird. Oh, you son of a bitch. I haven't heard jokes like that since I had to go up after a man named Pang Dang. Everybody. I was repeating his punchline. Is Hans the whole show, by the way?

What? Is Hans the whole thing? Like the whole time we talk about Hans? Yeah, no. No, this is just a ridiculously long segment. The show's more about a lot of Hans. You're actually right. I'm going to get him out of here.

Ladies and gentlemen, Hans Kim and his ex-girlfriend Paige. You just, like, went through a hole. No, you're right. I just... That took up a whole romantic comedy worth of time. The hole he played guitar, then the girl ran up. It really is. I should just do another.

We should do another episode of Kill Tony once a week where it's just Hans. Yeah, just soft porn. For an hour and a half. All right, everybody. I pulled a name out of the bucket. So your first comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight who we don't know at all goes by the name of Jamie Gravy, everyone. A bunch of people sign up for the show.

Could be you. It could be somebody's first time. It could be a local legend. You never know what's going to happen at this part. Here comes Jamie Gravy, everyone, here on Kill Tony, live in Austin, Texas. Hell yeah. Guys, I just had my first threesome. Thank you, thank you.

I will admit it's a little overrated. It's a lot of work, the threesome, you know. I think I prefer a mono a mono. The best part about the threesome, really, is telling your friends. When you tell your friends, they all ask the same question. Like, well, Jamie, was it a two-male threesome? Or a two-female threesome? And that's very disrespectful to the third male.

So. That's three dudes fucking. I'm straight, actually. I don't want to come up here bragging about fucking all these sluts and shit. But, oh, here's the thing. I'm an ally with the LGBT, I am. But it's getting to their head a little bit. You know, LGBT was nice.

It rolled off the tongue, then it added Q. Now it's LGBTQA+. I'm like, for God's sake, I'm gonna forget a letter and piss somebody off. We need to consolidate this, not make it longer. Look out, three easy letters, G-A-Y, gay. Beautiful. Jamie Gravy has arrived in the Kiltoni universe. How's it going, sir? Welcome, welcome.

I appreciate it. How long have you been on stand-up? Going on six years now. Awesome, we're at all of it here in Texas. Yeah, mainly I started in Dallas, so that's where I'm at. Very cool. We're here now, but yeah. Hell yeah, how long have you lived in Austin?

A week. A week? Wow. Thank you, welcome. Hell yeah. They have H-E-B up in Dallas. Oh, they got H-E-B. Heck yeah. So you're just changing locations.

Yeah, pretty much. It's the same. Absolutely. It's slightly more liberal. What do you like about Austin that's not happening in Dallas? Man, I'll tell you, I don't know. I think just the artistic encouragement out here, everybody just seems to really enjoy everybody trying new shit, experimenting.

You're a great comedian. You look like the kind of guy that can freestyle rap. I don't know if you can or not. I wish I could, but... You look like you can. No, I'm way too white in that category. It seems like, but I mean, it seems like you would be one of those way too white rappers. You know what I mean?

It seems like every rap would start with, well, a hip, a hop, a hip, any of it. Yeah, I can do, yeah, maybe like a bar. I can't even match the first fucking bar. I'm terrible. Yeah. Is Gravia a stage name or your family game? You want my social too?

Dallas Gravies. I'll talk about it. What's the stage name? It has a stage name. What made you go with Jamie Gravy? So my last name is Gravitt, right? And people just kept pronouncing it incorrectly at the open mics. So they're adding like Z's on it, Gravitts and shit.

I'm not fucking winning. It's just Gravitt's phonetically sound. So I was like, Gravy's a middle school nickname I got. So I started going by that. It's also metal. Yeah, it's easy. It works. How old are you?

32. What do you do for work? This is it, baby. You just do stand-up comedy. You survive, okay? Yeah, we're working it. I love it. What's your living situation?

I live with three other comedians. So yeah, fucking shout out to the back of that pig pen. You know what's up? Hell yeah. We actually know them, I think. Okay. So. Can't you make extra money down here now?

Freelance telling on seven-week abortions? You would think, you know. Isn't there a good side work? Not a lot of tips in the jar, I've noticed. It's a whole thing. Abortion spotters. When you're working it. Yeah.

What's a fun fact about your life that would surprise us, Jamie Gravy? Oh, shit. I've been arrested and been to rehab. Whoa, let's talk about it for what? See, I was robbing houses when I was 18. So that was cool. Don't do that. That's the thing.

Wow. Wait, four drugs or just unrelated? You know, you're just an asshole in high school. So I was just kind of doing it all. Doing drugs and then just like thinking you were fucking cool. What drug were you rehabbed from? Like Oxycontin. Oh, yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Looks very strong. Yeah. How deep did you go down the Oxy addiction? I never shot up, but it was back in the day when you could break it up and still snored them, but now they changed it. You know, it's a whole, these fucking guys.

There's only two ways it could go. You either have to quit or switch to heroin because it's better for your liver. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's an ethical thing. For those of you that are halfway between an Oxy heroin addiction, we hear Kurt Metzger is there.

You might have to slow down and go with heroin. Our senior bottom of the barrel correspondent Kurt Metzger on the scene that we had somebody here deep in an Oxy. We saved his liver. Tommy gravy brought it up. I was just asking. That's true. I love it.

You're right. I'm a degenerate. That's right. I'm a comedian. That's right. Absolutely. What's your favorite thing that you've done in your comedy career? Coolest gig that you've had.

Coolest gig. I know last night at the VMAs, Connor McGregor tried to attack you at one point. Yeah. Here I look like that guy. Like water gun Kelly. Just wanted a picture. You couldn't give him one. Yeah.

I would say probably getting booed. What? I got my first boo recently. That was an experience. Okay. I shouldn't say it's my favorite, but it was memorable. Yeah. What part of a joke was it?

What do you mean? I don't know what it was. It was just accumulation of things going. I thought it was going all right, but I don't know about minute fucking three. They just fucking the boo started and I couldn't stop the shit. Right. Yeah. That was soul crushing.

Damn. Where were you? At Kansas City. Why do you think it went that way? Were they booing other people? No. Was this a white audience? No.

It was a black audience. That could have been it. Oh. And you're out there doing jokes about banging multiple dudes. Yeah. It's a whole thing. They don't like that shit. Jokes with a bunch of different letters.

Yeah. They don't fuck with all that. It's a whole thing. They don't like that. They're more into Tony's Asian abuse humor. Yeah. They like fucking hard hitting shit. Pussy.

Yeah. You know better than booze and in all black room they do better than just boo. Yo fuck you. Oh yeah. I know what it's like. I know what it's like. I know what it's like. I kill in black rooms but I've seen like you'd be surprised like they turn on their own

kind pretty quickly in a comedy show. Black comedians have trouble in a lot of black rooms. It's a weird thing. It is. I mean it's just the it's just a whole different whole different ballgame out there. You know in Atlanta they used to do a thing called keys night where the whole audience brings their keys like on a key ring and if the comedian starts to not entertain you at all and these are all black shows you jingle your keys in your hand like that.

So it starts with like one person jingling their keys and then it grows and like there's times where people fucking fail and the whole audience is just fucking swinging their keys and it creates this insane noise. That's how cool. Like when I talk about like black hecklers like that's how cool that whole kill Tyrone. Yeah. Yeah. You get murdered.

Yeah. It's got a jingle to it. Yeah. It's not funny. It really does. Jamie. I love it man. Thanks.

Fun times tonight. Good. Nice to meet you dude. We'll see you again soon. Absolutely. There he goes. The kill Tony. Jamie.

Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. The son of a fucking bitch. Fuck it. I don't really care. It's his joke book.

Here he is. Here he is. Here's Jamie Grave everybody. Ready. Your next comedian goes by the name of Clemente Villegas everybody. Clemente Villegas. The bucket of Destiny has spoken. Here comes Clemente Villegas ladies and gentlemen.

This is definitely his Kill Tony debut. I would remember that name. Here he is. Put your hands together for Clemente. Hey. I don't know if you tell by looking at me but I am mixed. White mother. Mexican father.

Those are a lot of people off I know because I look like an evil Mario brother. I get it. I get the best of both worlds you know being mixed. I'm white so I got to go to summer camp a lot as a kid you know but I'm brown so sometimes it was immigration camp but else I'm brown so I work really hard you know but I'm white so I get mad at myself for stealing jobs. My name's Clemente. Very Mexican sounding name you know.

I sound like a Mexican explorer but I'm white so I look like I'm trying to stop Mexicans from exploring. It's a lot. It's tough. It's tough. I am dating a black woman. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah. First guy she's dated outside of a race so she thought she lucked out picking me but jokes on her I have a black guy's credit score so yeah yeah we have cute nicknames for each other you know like when I got. I'll stop. Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

The brakes hard on that one. Welcome to the show Clemente. Thank you. Thank you. This is awesome. How long have you been doing comedy? Four years. Four years.

Yes. All of it here in Texas. Yes. I just moved here a month ago. From where? From Amarillo, Texas. Whoa. Why do you guys.

Some people know what it is. Oh that's your hometown. Oh we do. Hell yeah. I love it. Oh my goodness. You made a lot of noise on that Amarillo too is that just because you just thought it was interesting.

Basically everywhere is Amarillo when you're D madness doesn't really matter the name of the place. Your front pocket game is on fleek. Yeah that's. It's a sofa. Oh shit. Packed. Packed to the gills up there.

What is that? It's a phone locked up in a yonder bag. Is it like an android holder? It's a fanny pack. We're not allowed to record. So it's. Oh thanks Tony. Yeah it's a live comedy thing.

We lock phones up now. Oh you think that's. No I don't have to. You got to collect all the evidence now for now. No because comedians can still record their own sets and that's essentially what happened when. Yeah no I get it. Yeah.

I don't know why I'm doing this for it. Anyway. So Clemente let's find out more about you what the fuck what do you do for work. I work at a bank. Okay what do you do at the bank. Just like open accounts I just got the job so I just started training today. Dude I was thinking of you like a guy who's like very can I help you at the bank. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. That is true. Like you had to break it to me that Chase doesn't make new cards anymore at the bank. I have to have it mailed now. They're like well he's nice. Chase didn't hire me so. What bank.

Happy state. Can I say that cut that. Yeah there you go. The live editor in the back totally just chopping the film and reattaching it cut that. Oh shit. I love it. Clemente what's your living situation. You moved out of the house with the whole family and everything and now you live by

yourself for the first time in your life. I mean kind I mean I never left my hometown so technically that's true but now it's just me and my girlfriend got it got a place. Oh okay this month. Yes actually yeah exactly like a month ago. How long you been with this girl. Over two years. What did she do.

She is a server at the Fairmont. Sounds like a fancy place. Why do you keep naming all the businesses that you guys know. I don't know. I should stop. Is there anyone else you want to dox on the show. My social is just getting. Clemente you have any special skills or talents other than stand up comedy.

You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to fucking like row a boat or something like that. You take people out on gondola rides or anything like that. You're so perfectly half Mexican and half white that you are Italian by default. I get that. I get that. That's fun. I did.

I did just get a paddle board. So okay. That's exciting. Oh yeah. I picture you as the guy in one of those paddled ducks. You know what I mean. I could see you. You ever taken one of the big ducks out for a ride.

I haven't. No. All right. I'm sorry. So what were you saying. Would you have other than the paddle board. What else do you what else do you into. I'm trying to think I was doing jujitsu before I moved to Austin and now I can't afford to

do jujitsu. But you know. Oh. That's depressing. I know. I love it. You'd go out for fun. You do things at nighttime.

A lot of mics. I try to hit. Yeah. It's about other than like comedy. Anything interesting about you at all whatsoever. Like anything we should know about your entire life. Anything big family. Yeah.

I have a pretty big family. They're mostly an El Paso. You have any weird medical preexisting conditions. Yeah. Yeah. I have a mass in my brain and hypothalamus. Not cancerous. So.

Wow. Is it growing. Is it getting bigger. I haven't checked in like five years. Oh that's perfect. That's probably. Yes. Absolutely.

100 percent. Well Clemente. Fun times. I'm not getting much out of you. Would you guys think about Clemente's jokes. A lot about being mixed. Half white. I'm guessing your dad's the Mexican in this.

Right. Yes. Okay. And what is he. What did he do. How did him and your mom meet. Oh he was just like in the military and they fucked and then he like ran away. Wow.

Looks like at some point they rape. Yeah. Sounds like the military. I'm pretty sure it was potential. Vietnam. Yeah. How about your mom. Does she have a job.

Yeah. She's a nurse. I've been in Amarillo. Yeah. She's a nurse and she's like just leave that brain tumor alone about that girl. She's not like a brain surgeon. You know. She kind of probably knows one.

Catscan. Is your mom vaccinated. No. Right. It's an interesting thing happening. A lot of nurses not getting vaccinated. Very interesting thing to keep an eye on. What have you talked with her about this.

Oh yeah. She's like super like anti-vaxx. Right. Because those nurses see what actually happens there on the front lines. Huh. Yeah. Well she's also like not like a common nurse. She's she's pretty hard.

She's a lot like Alex Jones of the nurse renegade nurse. You'd be surprised how many nurses are not common nurses anymore. But I don't play by the rules. Yeah. They really don't. A lot of them are just simply not working right now. It's crazy times amongst us again. I just spent a weekend in LA and that place was a wow.

It was really wild. It was amazing. The I don't know you guys still live there. Right. Yeah. So this all that all seems normal and this seems probably crazy to you. I don't leave my house. What seems normal.

Like I'm always the 10 city. No. Austin has some real open air comfortable ass homeless too. It's not. Oh yeah. No I'm not talking about the homeless. People in the audience close together shoulder to shoulder not spread out. Some people have a mask and some don't.

There appears to be no you have to have a mask and then you have to then you can take it off just on and off all the time. You have to have it on the back and then you can take it off when you get in the room with all the people in the comedy store. The hallway you need the mask on but if you walk into the comedy store where everyone is you could take it off. It never makes sense. Yeah.

And none of it makes sense. This guy's still up here. Clemente thank you so much for coming on your Kill Tony debut. Here you go. That's a joke book from Bones Eye. Custom made leather joke book. How exciting. They smell great.

They smell great. Adrian Cavazos a local artist takes real leather and makes those. Your next comedian is William Ray everybody's 60 seconds from William Ray give it up to William Ray. Check that out. Cool. Right. Can I have this.

Get a free joke book. Give it up to William Ray. Sing it Kyle. You got this. Yeah. He's got a minute. All right. Here he is William Ray everybody.

Thank you. So I was looking at myself today in the mirror and you ever see no spirit to. Yeah that one really snuck up on me. But hey man it's what it is you know I'm a bald headed white guy with a kind of a big nose but I'm not mad about it and even if I were what am I going to do fucking go out there and try to cancel clowns could you imagine if I like started a protest and was like all clowns should be cancelled I take offense at what they're doing they have been silently mocking me for years don't think I haven't noticed that shit.

If I went through with that though I'm not saying it would work but it certainly wouldn't help the clowns case that the most famous member of their entire tribe raped and murdered a bunch of little boys William Ray everybody closing with confidence I love it this looks like a guy that is up until this point exclusively only performed at prisons this is like a reverse fulsome prison it's like Jamie Gravy's oxy guy came it is you are a character man you're like Stone Cold Ski Austin William have you on one of the shows when we first got here I feel like I sort of remember you or if you're the guy that's been hiding under my bed since I was a kid yeah I was at the other place I played a mass guitar upside down wow you

look like every police drawing ever you could just use those as like headshots like hey I honestly you sound like the dexter of clowns like yeah I was waiting missing clowns in this town yeah I think we know yeah you do you do clown shit or something like the whole time I was waiting for you to be like that's why I have this and like put on a red nose or something now I just thought canceling clowns was funny I see that ominous canceling clowns yeah it's wild this guy's fucking I don't know built like me but he's got the head of a fucking criminal look at it it's just incredible now is the clowns turn to be scared it's the goatee I grew it for that Nosferra to joke I've always wondered what

it would be like of a he didn't have a goatee nose for a two no but it just accentuates the whole image are you a nurse no what do you do for work William Ray hardwood floor hardwood floor specialist absolutely and he also plays the organ at haunted houses everyone you can catch them every every day playing the organ at every haunted house you have like one suit that you have just in case you ever need to have a suit no I don't have a suit you don't even own a suit if you had to dress up if someone's like William I know this is crazy I've never had to do anything important with you before but we have this big dinner event tomorrow I need to take you we got to dress up as good as we can what would you wear I would

go buy it wow where would you go do you even know where you would go fuck no I would have to look it up suit how old are you William 51 how long you've been doing stand up this is my fourth time wow I love that I would have ham for this guy the balls on this guy what made you want to start stand up now at this part of your life what happened I got to be honest man it's this show really yeah they let you listen to this in jail very strong closer I will get that have you been to jail is are my instincts right about all of this yeah two years hell yeah what was it what was it for what'd you do it seems like you have the head of somebody that doesn't just fucking do petty burglary you know what I'm saying there's

something with a weapon right armed something my first charge was a solve of the deadly weapon do you think gravy is a pussy no it was gravy no well yeah so a solve of the deadly what happened there did some guy like try to take your stalked an asian kid and his girlfriend stop with the asian jokes card jesus it was five I know this is your first time with me but it was four months ago my god I'm at home all right back to William who's by the way a much bigger racist than I could possibly be I mean you look like you hate everyone am I right no you look like sometimes you're just even angry at white people am I correct your name is William Ray you even have a criminal name what's your middle name William Ray oh wow so you don't even want to give your last name because we could look up the

shit that you've done yeah William Ray James yeah the other first name in there's yeah David Ray yeah William Ray Riley convicted harm to salt all right so what happened that day with the arm to salt this kid headbutted me in the mouth and almost knocked my way wait wait wait wait wait wait we're gonna do this Tarantino style you started with the middle of the story let's go a little bit let's go a little bit back and no no no no engagement with anyone ever starts with a headbutt to the mouth that is not in any country they're hello that's true so let's take us a couple steps back are you at a concert no we were at rock and roll denny's on sunset and yeah close I am you have any you see you think that's easy it's not and we were I was trying to meet girls I was like 21

that's a sunset and vine correct no it's at a sunset and like vista gallery yeah that's the same it's yeah gower yeah I know yeah that's yep thank you I used to live there right there Hollywood and Gowers wait so this is like 80s hair metal times when this happened yeah when is this 1992 wow 92 wow reservoir dogs is the new movie out in theaters wow 90 yep that's the song of the year it's a cult of personality and you're out there what do you look like then not the same haircut am I correct no I had like Anthony Keita's hair you had what Anthony Keita's from the killing hell yeah they fuck yeah what were you doing for work back then you were working at a guitar shop or something like that no I was just leaching off my stripper girlfriends oh okay living that

Hans Kim lifestyle out there for sure I love it all right so you're at the denny's and then what happens they say I'm sorry sir we're out of moons over Miami okay then what happens you're at a denny's then what the kid he was my friend we were together and he was real drunk and making a scene just being an idiot and your friend was yeah yeah and I'm like dude you got to chill out I'm trying to meet girls up in here and he's at the denny's right yeah you're at you're still in the denny's yes inside okay right yeah are you at a table yeah you're at a booth and you're sitting across from your friend absolutely just for just to let us know what types of asshole things was he doing yelling at other tables or yeah all that being loud and you're like dude I'm trying to pick up

bitches man I got my rock and roll hair it's 1992 let's have some fun are you doing drugs at the time I mean not full time right just drunk yeah just drinking yeah okay so he's acting a fool and then what happens I was like dude you got to get the fuck away from this table because you're making this all look bad right and he's like fuck you and walked outside and then I felt bad and so I went out to try and make friends with him again oh shit and he's like I am your friend and he put his hands on my shoulders and then just headbutted me wow oh my god so he headbutted you right in your mouth you're outside of denny's now you're definitely not getting pussy your mouth is bleeding that taste of nickels and pennies just roaring through your taste buds and all of a

sudden you realize this guy just cock blocked you you have so much testosterone running through your veins and what do you do next I had a beer like a 16 ounce tall boy I can yeah oh shit it's unopened wow okay and I threw it at him you threw it at him that's it that's it and then hit him in the cheek and ripped his cheek open oh what the wait a second here are you sure there's the guitar lick he had a scar like after that okay you got gash that night and then what he pressed charges no no we were fine we were friends again we fucking worked it out but the denny's security guards called the cops and we just stayed around like it was no fucking they wanted to put you in the grand slammer that's a denny's prison joke everybody that's a thousand points for me

okay so the security guy calls the cops and then they called so the police basically even though the buddy didn't want to press charges they called you throwing a can of beer at your friend's face assault with a deadly weapon yeah they put you in jail yep it started in the drunk tank but you're in there for the weekend and then all of a sudden they're like we're also bringing charges for this and you're like get the fuck out of here right yeah exactly it was the weekend too and then what did you hire an attorney no they immediately dropped it down to disorderly conduct because I had no record at the time right but disorderly conduct it's like a ticket yeah so why do you go to prison for two years oh I got busted for drugs multiple times after that oh okay and you while I know it

started with marijuana you I could tell just by your bone structure we went down a pathway cocaine crystal meth am I correct yeah yeah yeah turn into a Tarantino yeah he made it a Tarantino after all yeah back to it yeah came full circle absolutely this guy looks like he exclusively only rides tiny motorcycle now do you have like a lot of cats I mean do you have a yeah what's what's your story now we always see what these people that used to live wild lives that they fill it with something like you could possibly be a fucking yoga instructor or something for all we know right now so what have you done to like fill your life I've always played music that's always been my really what what instrument what do you do you know creep I play play let's do it head to head

I play guitar um and sing really yeah are you serious yeah you played on Anton's what did you play at Anton's I played some blues on Matt's guitar with D okay Michael all right all right D madness remembers you I love that that's so cool William Ray what else other than music anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go um I never met my father and my mother my mother abandoned me when I was 11 oh my god really well she's here tonight and we exactly here come that's right your mother is Courtney Cox everybody crazy right wow William do you ever talk to your mom she passed away a while back oh okay after you murdered that bitch how could you abandon me

I went down a road of drugs and denies candor to death William Ray you're another one you got the case of the Hans's because I feel like I could talk to you forever you're you have such a cool fucking energy you're so present I'm happy that you're alive and here at 51 out here chasing your dreams your fourth ever time on stage uh thank you keep doing it have fun out there go to open mics William Ray William let's catch this it's a tiny joke book hell yeah there goes William Ray we're having fun tonight David Lucas is out of town so he's doing uh theaters and shit now huh yeah he's doing it we got him working with uh Brendan

Shaw how exciting is that your next comedian goes by the name of Jeremy Zot everyone oh I heard a little pop with the comedians there come on to the stage so I have three dads three dads yes one two three so some people might say that my mom is uh a whore but that's not true that's not true she's the sweetest woman that I've ever met she will give you the shirt off her back and later on you will be my dad so one of my dads I raised me uh he talked he gave me the sex talk and by doing that he sat me down in front of some good old fashioned porno and said figure it out so for a long time I thought I thought I had a small penis and uh that I couldn't I couldn't last for shit compared to these

gorillas that were just going for hours and uh then I had sex with a couple girls and uh I confirmed I have a small penis and premature ejaculate thank you oh yeah this is it our first time having Jeremy Zot on this show right Zot are Zotarelli but I knew it would get butchered so it seemed like a fuck you when the last guy was like I have no parents he's like I have three dads yeah exactly yeah you look like you have vitamins when you were kids like fucking the opposite of the last guy you seem like you could be the last guy's grandson how's it going what how are you my dad how are you Jeremy what's going on not too bad how long you've been doing stand-up uh this is my first time ever being on stage ever wow the sheep of the

first time what made you decide now how old are you 31 32 32 I I'm from St. Louis Missouri I saw you in a basement of a mall while I was basement of a mall having a lot of fun yeah okay what was what was I doing in this basement of this is always so interesting when people yes it was raining men in the basement of a mall what was going on the very few was it a comedy club St. Louis one it's called helium in the basement of a mall yeah helium's a very famous comedy club I would start with that next time yes yeah that's like saying I saw you in a I saw you in a giant barn in New York it was Madison Square Garden uh the basement of a mall Jesus what a creep you are that's how you labeled it in your head that's a famous con that's the best

comedy club in St. Louis helium well that says a lot about it it's the basement of a mall and uh geez when was that I don't even remember that pre-covid pre-covid okay not that long I don't want to understand two or three years I'm like have you guys done St. Louis helium does that ring a bell at all I'll be at the helium in Philadelphia not to plug but we're talking about that's right Kyle Dunnigan comedy.com the tour has begun Kurt are you guys going together on some of those no we have to put Largo October 1st we'll be together awesome I love it wait I want to understand this three dad thing so each guy was definitely your dad like you had to call them dad you know are you just were they like I'm not really your dad dude like you know like yeah it all just sounded

like a made-up joke to me what was the actual situation so actual situation had a dad rolled out at a young very young age adopted at like one got the name Zadarelli not so it's not my biological name he's rapping right uh Zadarelli I got the name Zadarelli then I went to my second dad I'll tell you what hot third dad come along first dad didn't love me too much second dad shut the fuck up uh so that's a legit dad adopted second dad then divorce step dad comes in uh-oh then 18 years old biological dad says hey I'm back I'm back it's me Zadarelli hey what the fuck no no no Zadarelli was the guy that adopted me oh I got a really bad 86 this guy comes back but he's got him my three dads it's a weird like a real nice car so I'm like dad whoa step dad's ballin

it's a Zadarelli wow it's a weird kind of attractive like a lot of guys want to be my dad yeah hey yeah I don't know it's a kid just like a good yeah I've noticed that the people with the uh the least amount of fathers tend to be the funniest in comedy and uh this actually proves it you being here tonight with three dads I'm kidding it's the first time you assholes you're the one that's that made it weird for groaning at that by the way it's not me saying it you make it real when you go aw fucking pussies he's having fun up here look at him look at this fucking faggot he's having a blast there you go we're just loosening you guys up a little bit we're gonna beep that that's a beep there what if three what if three dads ran up and hugged him right now like before

just started making out with him like a crazy Hans Kim moment all right we got three fathers here to make out with you Jeremy uh what do you do for work Jeremy what uh what what what fucking Wi-Fi cable company do you work for spectrum even more exciting I'm a safety guy what kind of safety guy I'm a I'm a I keep engineers safe where what what are you talking about big corporation basically I give people heart hats and then they go and do computer work it's super exciting how'd you get that job one of your dads hook it up surprisingly yes really yeah fuck I'm just I don't even I don't even need to ask questions tonight I already know the answers this is like a psychic show this is like a miss Cleo hosted kill to me all right uh Jeremy what's your love life like you

have a girlfriend right now I'm married and I actually I'm gonna have my first kid in January whoa somebody hasn't been wearing his hard hat I love it is it a boy or a girl you know yet it's a girl okay maybe it's a boy but he just got your dick and they can't see it yet are you his only dad or as far as I know yeah what does your wife do for work she is a manager for a company that helps you go with special needs in the workforce oh special needs so she's literally she's putting special people to work yeah I bet you do give them a hard hat too yeah it's probably hard sometimes it's too easy I mean it's just right there well I give people hard hats and my girlfriend works with retards

that's another beep you guys get to see it live but to the internet it's just his wife works with beats I love it if you ever you ever meet these people does she ever bring any of her people home and for dinner or anything like that it's all hush it's all hush hush I don't get to know it I ask her you know what does that mean I ask her I'm like you know how was work today kind of situations you deal with right do you get a discount at mcdonald's or anything yeah they get

now it's good it's good d madness we're fucking loving it all right Jeremy your first time so what made you want to do this now you have a bun in the oven what made you want to start now I thought about it before and uh one of my buddies is like super fan of the show and uh I was like if I'm gonna come out here fuck it what made you come to Austin a safety convention wow hopefully there's nobody from the convention in here that you know tells my boss but I love it well there's a few people from your wife's work here tonight but uh not yours all right all right red band Jesus a little too excited over there on that one it's a lot of seal uh so much fun Jeremy congratulations here's a

small joke book will you catch it there it is Jeremy's odd everybody thank you guys he doesn't have a social media this guy's keeping a low profile I got nothing he doesn't want his daughter to find this on the internet at some point in the future he's using a fake name and everything I'll show her when she's older probably all right there he goes Jeremy Zodarelli everybody all right we're keeping it moving along your next comedian goes by the name of Kevin Rodriguez everyone Kevin Rodriguez his next don't kill Tony you guys having fun out there okay good all right one more time for Kevin Rodriguez everybody come on hey hey uh I uh I'm not from here I uh I'm from Puerto Rico and I've been learning a lot since

I moved here uh one of the things that I learned when I moved here was that Americans are afraid of immigrants for multiple reasons but one of the things that we bring diseases from our countries like Ebola malaria and not coronavirus and I was thinking about that I was like you know what man that's not true that's not only here like I remember when I moved here and went back to Puerto Rico for the first time people were afraid of me because they thought I was bringing diabetes and depression all right having a good time cool I uh I recently came out to my Puerto rican parents that's exactly how they react it yeah they were not happy when I told them I was an introvert yeah they're like ah couldn't you be gay instead we have another parade all right that's

it fuck yeah Kevin Rodriguez everyone wow I absolutely love that that uh that bring diseases joke diabetes and depression one of my favorite jokes I've heard in a very long time on the show I must say very very impressive the real work isn't Puerto Rico aren't you a citizen all from that's not immigrating it feels I feel like I feel like an immigrant everybody's playing the immigrant card nowadays Kurt I I do it number from Ohio here in Texas everyone's an immigrant you should hear what they say about ULA people when you turn around person I'm telling you that's why I joined this team real quick I'm like I am not sometimes you hear what they say about you uh Kevin uh Puerto Rico so what do you do you go back and forth

sometimes what's the no I I'm visiting from Detroit I live in Detroit oh okay hell yeah that's basically Puerto Rico floods and shootings and uh yeah right it's all the same what made you go to Detroit uh my dad he moved there and then I uh I was like ah there's no opportunities in Puerto Rico so fuck let's go to Detroit to Detroit there's no opportunities in Puerto Rico let's go to the great powerful country of the United States of America and where better to go we're gonna get the cricket story and literally the saddest story in American history the city of Detroit that is unbelievable what year did your father move here please tell me it was the 80s or 90s because at least then we could rationalize it a little bit no no 2012 wow 2012 yeah it was a good year for

Detroit they were on the world series you know so they did what they were in the word series the tigers oh the world series yeah so we had that going you say world like a real Puerto Rican you know that some people have trouble with that word it's interesting world world red band says railroad world live from the world world famous comedy store this is you literally you could go back a verse 250 episodes he says a railroad that's Ohio shit man that's like not my part of Ohio I'm more southern than you I guess so so uh Kevin you said you came out to your parents and then the big twist was that you're an introvert what do you do by yourself uh get high and listen to music all right what kind of music are you uh what kind of music are you listening to i listen to a

lot of weird shit like afro beat okay what else uh there's his uh raco label called habibi funk and he's like a lot of funky music from like uh the middle east from like 60 to 70 okay you've played any music or anything no no no I don't yeah sadly what else about your life anything else any fun facts about uh Kevin Rodriguez that we should know about seems like a fake name you just have one dad that's kind of boring now just a regular one I don't know it's one guy three does dude yeah yeah that's true especially as a porter that's one more father than most Puerto Ricans have uh Kevin what else about you other than uh being an introvert what do you do for fun you seem like you like get out like you you seem like the kind of guy that somehow sneaks his way into the middle

of a dance floor and takes his glasses off and fucking like steals the show am I right yeah you surely want to have like five beers that's uh that's one the introvert can we get this guy five beers real quick uh what happens what happens if you get five beers in you we want to know I just start dancing I start like all the inside it goes away and like I don't care let me ask you something there's about uh there's about what is there like 15 20 what time do we start here uh 815 is that about the actual clock 815 so it's about there's about 15 minutes left if you shotgun five beers can we will you come back on stage to close the show and wait a second everybody stop hold on everybody stop did you drive here tonight no you you uberd

you have someone driving you no I'm walking I leave I'm staying like nearby I feel like five beers will make it so this guy gets hit by a car tonight though I don't even trust you walking you're so adorable can I buy this guy five beers and he shotguns them over there we bring up a couple more comedians we're gonna do two more comedians and I'm gonna bring you up here and you're gonna dance to end the show okay cool yeah that's good all right there you go there goes Kevin Rodriguez everybody Kevin you got a big joke book coming to you by the end of all this this is fun right yeah there's gonna be evidence in a lawsuit now this you want to drink crown royal and coca cola for D madness look out of a jack and diet hell yeah D madness is getting fucked up tonight

I don't even know if he could see stars but we're gonna find out Pedro Valenzuela ladies and gentlemen is next on kill Tony Pedro Valenzuela here in Austin Texas one more time for Pedro everyone okay so uh covid's around you know so for a lot of shows we gotta put these mic condoms on the microphones but I'm more a fan of the original condom the mouth you know uh I wasn't sure if I had covid I had kind of a covid scare so I bought a rapid test online and uh I think I got the wrong test so I don't know if I have co covid but I'm certain I have AIDS so that kind of sucks uh I have an afro and a lot of people you know they like to ask me if I'm hiding anything in there and I'm like yeah an asshole what are you hiding I didn't march for peace I'm a piece of shit

and I I'm not hating on the protest all right I was there black lives matter but not if my baby mama gets pregnant again Pedro Valenzuela everyone Pedro welcome is this your first time on the show yeah okay yeah but I've seen you around I remember definitely I don't forget a face like that yeah yeah I've seen you thick glasses you got there thank you thank you uh so they don't break what so they don't break you break your glasses a lot you look like a lifestyle yeah it's a wildlife thick glasses don't want to break them you you really have bad eyesight you look like junior from the Sopranos so you know I deserve that red band that's great

he really does that's a perfect reference I'm a huge Sopranos fan I knew you looked like something I wrote down the little boy from Jerry Maguire but I didn't think of Uncle Junior from the Sopranos that's exactly what he looks like I usually get moosh from the it crowd no we have no idea what that means uh what else what what else do you get a young uh Zoey Kravitz or something like that I don't even know what that means Pedro how old are you uh 31 what do you do for work not working right now uh why is that uh just because it's real complicated I got a loan and it's like I gotta have a certain type of job it's really kind of boring kind of loan did you get it's a ppp loan Kyle what'd you say so there's an opening in safety it wasn't work that

it was a ppp loan so like I have to do what's that stand for big black personal oh pp wait what it's uh it's not important basically if I ask it is all right I have to get I have to get an independent contracting job what if you talk to that guy with the three guys hand out helmets to slow kids or with that whatever he does that could happen Pedro what the fuck is your situation you have to explain it every time I talk okay so so I uh work in independent contracting like uber and shit but I can't do it why I can't get a different job why because when I first got here I lost my license it's a very long story I got here I lost my license it takes like three months to get a license here because of the DMV like takes forever because COVID and so right now I don't have

a job yeah stay in my car how do you lose your license do you I uh no I just it was at at at Antones actually uh the other yeah no I know what Antones is uh I'm asking you uh let's go back a second I'm asking you how you lost your license the location is a different answer to a different question very is where did you lose your license this one is how did you lose your license I bought a drink and then I set it down at the table and then when I went back it was gone so so how did you lose your license I it's a mystery to me to your license I set it down on the table and then I couldn't find it after that did you ask them yeah like we we looked everywhere we searched through the trash and everything like do you have your glasses on in the picture because because if you

don't they probably gave it to a totally different person add different glasses but my hair was different at the time but oh yeah that's trouble that's all right yeah what's your love life like I can't tell whether girls would find you attractive or not it's either well seems like it would go both ways uh usually I'm in my car so that's kind of an obstacle sometimes but uh I guess so if you make it an obstacle for yourself our very own Hans Kim sleeps in his van tons of puss all the time Andy's Asian but the guy's got a fucking swagger the trick is to take him rafting that's what Hans says exactly we've asked this question a few times on the show you deliver food uh do you ever you know grab a couple fries you ever you know I actually only did that like one time but a lot of

times when you what happened that one time were you just extremely hungry no I mean I just wanted a fry but I usually don't do it you can just sort of craving it do you remember what kind of fry it was was it a water burger was it was a Chick-fil-A waffle fry wow that's one of my favorites but that's like one that's like taking one eighth of the fries totally totally it really is whoever's whoever got that fry was like god damn it somebody took my fry son of a bitch with the thicker in glasses uh I'm just kidding that's not the what the stereotype that they would describe you is uh they probably thought I was stealing their food anyway um so you lost your license you literally physically lost your license is how that story ended I suspect it was stolen but

well yeah no as we've learned you cannot trust any staff member at antones on any level you can't hear that anymore you can't leave your ID there I'm sorry Gary Clark jr he listens to every episode and he owns the fucking antones what if uh what if it was stolen by the guy who's waffle fry he took the irony oh look at that a long plan come to fruition I'm gonna get this motherfucker I've got your ID you sick-side motherfucker sounds like Pedro yeah go ahead sounds like a gravy crime you know it's on his level I'll get the next guy Pedro uh what's the craziest thing that we should know about you uh most of the crazy shit I can't talk about but uh wow that's the worst answer possible Pedro congratulations for it well I have so many great answers I can't talk

about any of them I don't know I mean I would I could make you love me but instead I'm going to make you hate me I'm gonna make you work for it no oh no he's so weird not you you so weird you seem like the kind of you seem like you had three moms like a real spunky protected attitude uh can you give it can you tell us anything interesting about you that we could talk about any longer I mean I don't know like I've done a lot of drugs oh horrible answer next answer it again interesting about you or your life or your family or any fun facts about you or any accomplishments perhaps a trophy perhaps there's a plaque at your at the house that you grew up in from something that you did younger um you juggle I went I went to college but I've I dropped out of college so

probably wasn't the best answer Jesus Christ Pedro what college did you go to I went to Michigan state oh yeah rivals how long until you dropped out I went for like I was there for like five years but I dropped out oh I didn't really I can't believe that the the clown killer guy was less shady than this I know it's wild Charles Manson of comedy was better all right Pedro well you did it uh all right you you you came on the show here's a here's a kill Tony joke book you want it there you go uh first guy to drop a joke book in the show's history horrible interview good set though really one of the worst interviews in the history of the show anybody who ever answers well I can't even talk about it we need bones I to start making more

small ones please uh yeah bones I your your optimism for these comedians is out of control it's given us too many big joke books we need tinier joke books all right Garrett Wayne here we go this is it last bucket pool of the night Garrett Wayne oh yeah that's right here comes Garrett everybody how many of you like it when comedians do good on this show how many of you like it when comedians do bad all right ladies and gentlemen this is Garrett Wayne so I got a catering job uh I was working at a wedding over the weekend and you know at weddings they invite the whole family they got the grandparents there you know just kind of standing there like this on the walkers grandma's just hobbling around you know she's just there because uh everybody needs to get one last picture

with grandma before she dies you know so uh so I was working a wedding and uh you know you see them uh you see them at the at the wedding it just it's a little sad but it's a little happy they're getting married you know who cares if grandma's gonna die soon oh it's all right grandma's all right oh man fuck yeah Garrett Wayne all right what happened there was there did you blank out a little bit you forget what you wanted to talk about or was that all just planned to be exactly I was I was just writing the joke over the weekend it's a little fresh in my mind okay yeah Kurt Metz can I just say when I see a Gallagher hat I expect a watermelon yeah it really is wild Garrett you

look like you didn't dress yourself today you look like you had three different people help dress you but you didn't let any of them see what the other one selected you're like you pick a hat you pick a shirt and your pants and then you just took the advice from everybody and it came together like that this is my golfing outfit I was golfing earlier that you golfed in that in white jeans yeah what I've never heard of such a thing where what part of Missouri are you from where are you from originally north Iowa Iowa you guys have any idea how fucking close Iowa and Missouri are haters I think they're close right look at how long have you been here in Texas about March but I've been in Austin since June okay where were you where were you from March to

June god damn somebody just lost a grandma who the fuck said that all right uh where did you live from March to June um I was in Houston okay what made you come to Austin I wanted to find a place here because comedy capital the USA baby whoa what made you come here uh I want to get better I'm just kidding Garrett uh so how long have you been on stand up just a couple months yeah that's what I fucking thought Missouri fucking covers Iowa some fucking bitches you mother fuckers it's all over Iowa it's the funniest map to it's fish or price map it's so stupid look at this shit you guys see this look at zoom in on that look at fucking Iowa and Missouri anyway uh Des Moines Dubuque oh what's that known for um white jeans it really is that's a rare pair of pants

right there my friend it's a rare pants that shit is unbelievable but I bet you think that's baller is fuck right you came up here you're like you looked in the mirror before this you're like oh is this the lead singer of AC DC because tonight we rock with 50 seconds of glory on a 60 second show where they're just gonna soak in the applause the last 10 seconds just looking around saluting to the great flag of our nation all right uh Garrett what's going on dude what's your what's some of your daily routines that we would find different or interesting you seem like the kind of guy that starts your day off by laying in bed for a few hours massaging your own feet am I correct no uh my my day starts uh I wake up the worst part of my day is when I have to take a shit which

is right in the morning why are you wearing white jeans man that's the worst that's is it our senior shit correspondent brian redband hot on the scene you say shit he's got a bit that's how it works I love this what what does that shirt mean is this a is this a intramural softball team that you're on or something like that bar back home I used to work at actually bar back okay bar back home oh all right bar back home gotcha all right I love it so Garrett what do you love about Austin Texas what's happening here not much yet I just love the comedy so far what comedy have you been what are you talking about I just I just started doing it a couple months ago okay so I'm just kind of going up as many open mics as I could I moved here from Chicago and I wanted to start

there wait where the where the fuck did Chicago come from you've been talking about Dubuque and Houston that's where I'm originally from Chicago I moved no I'm originally from Dubuque Iowa but I moved here from Chicago uh-huh and how long were you in Chicago just long enough to pick up that hat my kind of town I'll take one thank you and goodbye it's about three years three years okay hell yeah Garrett what's your uh what's your love life like you have a girlfriend no just you seem like the kind of guy that would take a boombox to a girl's window and play a song in the middle of the night it's good move yeah you could pull it off I couldn't pull it off

Garrett what's your love life like I'm not much I just there's a girl uh girl in Dallas I talked to that we've went on a couple dates but yeah she's gonna be wearing those red shoes for earrings later oh wow I didn't even notice those fucking shoes Jesus Christ what the hell oh my god dude are you colorblind for real like are you like oh my god what colors are these this is incredible it is crazy D madness is roasting the shit out of this guy right now uh I love it so Garrett you have a you have like a real family you have like two sisters mom and dad are still together am I correct no parents died talked about it last week oh you were on the show last week yeah okay well that hat is something else it's like it's like in the lord of the rings

when they put on the ring and they just disappear completely like that hat changes everything dude to me you're this is your first time on the show I'm rooting for you now I remember you're the boring guy from last week I'm kidding I'm kidding I'm kidding he's a dead parents I'm kidding no uh so my parents died and I had a guardian who uh she adopted me and she got me this hat but then she died oh shit well nothing better than pulling a guy out of the bucket two weeks in a row that everybody dies who he gets near he's a murderer yeah you look like you could solve the crime with a hat like that whoa how are all these people dying how did your guardian die she was already an angel I mean it's incredible true dead guardian jokes people the rare dead

guardian joke she was already an angel nothing it got nothing in this room it's he has like the same origin as batman but did she give you that hat and then die immediately like it was our last mission in the world one and a half weeks yeah literally like a week and a half later really are you serious where did she have like was that like her gift her departing gift from I kind of look at it like that so how did she die was it like cancer no I don't know she was found on the bathroom floor so it was unexpected she gave you that hat next thing you know she's just dead on the bathroom floor they never figured it out no we didn't get an autopsy so why didn't you get an autopsy I didn't make the decision so how many you think we should dig up his guardian and uh

give a posthumous autopsy which is really the only kind of autopsy you could be like a podcast I got a little bit of her back home crazy to do a live autopsy on a living human I got a little bit of her back home we can analyze if you got a what do you have a little bit of her the ash oh you have the ashes yeah oh wow god damn found in her apartment on the bathroom this sounds like a little Robert Durst type of shit going on here um that's wild and your parents both died from cancer uh one died from cancer yeah and how about the other one I think it was a blood clot in her lung all right well he's taking care of you now like who dresses you yeah exactly this is a guy this is what you look like when everybody around you dies uh

this is what ends up happening what D madness has admitted he's been dressing Garrett Wayne which doesn't really make sense because somehow D madness is always dressed better than Garrett Wayne is tonight we Garrett Wayne it's Garrett Wayne like Bruce Wayne so I really am right oh you're right holy shit wait a second and the guardian was killed as well but maybe you'll find him out at a diner at some point like sitting away we've seen this before it's a batman joke everybody uh Alfred so stupid uh are you any relation at all to Bruce Wayne

is that why you moved here because there's bats and crime everywhere there goes Garrett Wayne everybody Garrett Wayne everyone here Garrett catch this Garrett Wayne everyone come back again Garrett take next week off though but then come back after that two weeks in a row this guy has angels looking out for him literally this bucket has tons of names anything can happen should we get a we haven't had a lady up here all night should we pull for a female comedian huh let's see what happens here this usually takes a while that's Caleb Caleb's not a girl oh here we go ladies and gentlemen this young lady was on the show a few weeks ago and left a massive massive impression this woman is wild everyone this is

only her second time on the show ladies and gentlemen this is the return of miss Amy oh everyone yeah shit's about to get wild folks this is miss Amy oh everyone what an introduction i'm honored kyle and craig your are so oh my god i'm too fucking old for him anyway but you know what i'm so glad to be here tonight awesome texas let's hear it for tony hinschgrim fuck the storm coming in god damn it we need rain you know you know you know what y'all learned something from me last time i was up here you learned that i'm a felon but guess what you guys i still have the right to carry guns i figured out a loophole i figured out the loophole do you want to see my guns i honestly got right here right here i brought this is like the the

fucking uh mary poppins bag anyway i've got some guns do you want to see my guns i had the right to carry i had the right to care these are felon's guns these are felon's guns wow oh that was the twist okay uh all right that's great zero people were killed during this uh production was that a whole minute literally not the out you know that from my husband you know miss amio relax relax relax for a second the 60 seconds is up i did not see that coming uh coming who's coming for those of you that don't know miss amio is crazy as fuck dude she is a wild one this lady is your grandmother's worst nightmare this is who this is who bullied your grandparents everyone she just goes up right up to him and head butts him first thing i know that

never happens but this is the one that does it miss amio was like the first girl ever on world star how are you miss amio remind us all how old are you again exactly because i'm 61 and having fun there you go right stay mages barbie yeah there you go 61 62 in november there you go 61 and having fun next year she's 62 and haunting you right before halloween after halloween yeah there you go absolutely does amy have the vibe of like a mom who lets her kids sleep over michael jackson's yes yes no no no no no no absolutely the last time she was on the show i made about 10 references to her being the mother from requiem for a dream an 88 year old woman he said i was like an 88 year old woman i didn't like that but you know what tony what we have more in common than you know

uh-oh someone went on the internet since her first appearance on the show oh hell yeah wait i'm like a fool wait wait this has anything to do with what races you hate don't start i don't hate any races the only race i hate is the fucking human race lately because they're a bunch of idiots miss amio come on stick to the fucking stick to the game plan here uh where were you gonna say what do we have in common what we have in common is you've got a bag of tricks and right here i have here a whole bunch of ideas you always pull something out of the hat something new and something exciting doesn't you guys every week he's got something exciting and something you are wild i expected hawn to get kissed all over the place he got a free t-shirt

instead it's cherry top okay here we go yeah cherry top i've got this i've got this fucking mary poppins thing i've been carrying this it's a gun it's a gun it's a gun it's a gun you guys here you go i've got balls dammit i've got balls you know wow this is so exciting i made these balls i love it these are stress balls okay i feel like every ball you would make would be a stress ball even if it was a basketball it'd be a stress ball if it was yours miss amio i dropped a whole bunch of them up on the third floor last week did anyone find them i don't know what happened i don't think anybody wants your balls miss amio this is very exciting though i made these balls i'm i'm like what is that guy's name uh gallagher the magyver

magyver oh no he throws you on people he makes shit out of great shit you know what i mean what are you doing are you making balls out of i i i once went to how much fentanyl is in each one of these balls you always accuse me of being on drugs these are stressless balls these are to take the stress out of your other balls did you say stress balls or asbestos balls stressless balls oh stressless balls they they look at them okay they're all afraid of covid i've been vaccinated they look like virus spreaders yeah exactly they look like yeah they look like models of a spike protein i make more balls you know this is the delta variant right there i do believe uh well right what else do you have in your bag you crazy bitch pull something else out i know this is gonna take forever there's

five balls here y'all there you go there's one of her colostomy bags back to work uh get her balls at etsy.com slash see the funny thing about miss amio is you could roast her all day because she literally only listens to the voices in her own head so i could say anything about her and she doesn't even hear it i have my best friend i made in prison oh jesus christ speaking of things i'm going to see in my nightmares tonight oh god oh no i may not be jeffrey dunham but but de madness plays a mean fucking guitar and i love denig hendrix and i love de madness that's the bass guitar miss amio that's a whole different instrument yeah all right let's see this puppet act i see you have this is incredible is crazy as she is by the way still the funniest amy in the

history of comedy so thank you and i don't play dry oh wow look at that there are diaper shards flying all over the room right now shards of diaper i've never even used those words before back to back but diaper dust everyone all right let's see let's see i can't i can't wait to see how horrible this puppet act is i gotta tell you i've always hated puppet acts but you might put her back in the bag so many times but she reminds me of someone who made parole with stamps hey wait wait wait i miss amio i don't think you know how this works we're not supposed to see your mouth move if the puppet's mouth i told you i don't know what that's why i put her away let me put her away i got one more thing the worst ventriloquist act but did you see the reverse she tells the joke and the

puppet laughs yeah yeah that's a brand new she's the only ventriloquist where there's two dummies i'm gonna explain this this here requires this mic stand oh shit this looks like an instrument why i have a terrible ventriloquist even though i started very young with the real dummies back in the day because i have tinnitus anybody know what tinnitus is talking to the microphone miss amio you totally anybody know what tinnitus is yes a ringing in the ears hey it's not like the madness so you can tell can't see sometimes miss amio stop referencing d madness right now this is what i hear when i wake up in the morning it's in that ear but sometimes when i wake up in the morning if i have to pee real bad

it's crazy the shit that people laugh out on this show like i just heard a laugh there and i'm like how does that ability no one knows about nervous why if i bomb over the fucking bomb loud it's crazy train anybody else that would be annoying but in between her talking it's like a relief somehow it's like so much better sounding than her voice and energy it's like a palate cleanser a little bit of whistle my father used to tell me i was vaccinated with the with the freaking phonograph needle do you know what a phonograph needle is looking up wow what else do you have in the bag a puppet to laugh about you fucking cobin been real i believe in it hold on did you hear the sound pull that goofy

mirror out again did you hear the sound that happened did you see that did you hear joe did you even notice that did you know you could do that with that what you still didn't hear it i didn't hear grab it again grab it again and look at it look in the mirror look in the mirror are my shorts too short again all right forget it you ruined the bit miss amio anything else in the bag this is sort of this is sort of fun with you you're so insane that i'm i'm just i'm just crazy enough to be able to host something this crazy so go on you're the host is there anything i was is there anything more in the bag um yes there is there's a lot i i have my texas id oh let's see that i want to see this id real quick is it in black and white

i have my notes whoa what's in there i forgot my bid i put them in my bra wow you keep keep your jokes y'all want my card because i got my youtube on here oh okay print them out it's a lot of ink shit you know there you go there's a bus pass that just fell out uh no i i'm a good driver i i don't have i don't have a bus pass oh okay oh wow there you go those will never leave the table what else you want what did he say i couldn't hear him did you make these yourself you made them yourself i could tell they're really off-center i did because they're really unprofessional car i'm in my living room and i'm in the printer it's unbelievable it's like a perfume sampler so does it smell like perfume yeah that smells like where there's originals

it's sage miss amio uh this is only your second time on this show you just started stand-up comedy right well in this way yeah this is real different back in the day you were doing what you were doing blackface or something like that right pardon me nothing uh did i give you a joke book last time you were on the show you did and i carried oh that's what's in this goddamn oh you signed it even wow there oh it's just anything you pull out of the bag gets that these are ideas i have when i'm driving down i-35 yeah what it it says hey everyone welcome to my therapy group yep yep my name is amy oppie you can find me on youtube channel amy oppie's comedy i have 128 subscribers wow look at that oh my god see my notes is hey you know what i asked william

montgomery if it's okay that i shared the idea of notes because i'm more forgetful than he is because he's just a little bit behind my recovery plan does anybody have any lithium on them uh miss amio we love you we love you here i'm in the water in utah so i should miss amio miss amio are you listening are you listening at all i want to tell you something i love you on this show i love all different shapes and sizes and experiences of people in different energies you you could be any one of our crazy moms and i hope that uh even though you're absolutely horrible right now at comedy i hope that you continue to sign up and i hope that you continue to perform because it seems to be keeping you in a weird way young well my mother my mother is your mother is still alive my mother

is still alive oh my god even though he tried to insult me about there's a 21 year old that with three dead parents on a second ago my fucking ghost is up here like my mom bothers me every day she won't stop calling me my a very alive mother my mother this is crazy the most inspirational individual that you'll ever meet really and one day i wish i could wheel her in here you want to bring her here what i wish i could it's 21 and over though what she'll be 84 on december 28th and most of the time the most favorite thing i hear every morning when i see my mother she says keep on making balls i hope you stick around long enough to meet my daughter amy she's a really nice lady keep on making my mother still thinks i'm a nice lady ladies and

gentlemen this has been miss amy oh everyone there you go enjoy your ball miss amio put the mic in the mic stand put the mic where you found it there you go she's got this come on how about one more time for miss amio everybody we don't get to choose who signs up for the show i like people like that a little bit different a little bit different than your normal fucking comedian that's been doing it a couple months just moved here or whatever different how many of you like miss amio's red hair tonight well if you like red hair you're gonna absolutely love your final comedian oh we'll do that after ladies and gentlemen your final comedian of the night regular on this show longer than any regular has ever regular before one of the top young

rising comedians in the world this guy coming off fresh off of opening for joe rogan all week last week this is william montgomery everybody this is it the frankenstein of kill tony a new minute every week william montgomery give it up for my mom y'all she just made it out of the hospital she just got out of the hospital here's a brand new joke that i think is going to go straight to the top of the charts if i told you all the home depot jingle was invented by a fex twin you ought to be like oh my god so genius no a fex twin fucking fans in here man that was a good joke have you all see where facebook and ray vans are putting out glasses that basically record everything and mark

zuckerberg is the spokesperson nothing like a crash test dummy dressed up as a mortician school student being your salesman now i have a couple of uh i wrote that when i was real high i thought that was going to go better here's some 9 11 jokes to commemorate the uh 20th 20th anniversary when it comes to being a suicide bomber you've got 99 problems but a virgin and heaven isn't one what do 99 virgins in heaven sound like i was trying to sound like a hispanic soccer announcer that didn't you know when the terrorists that flew the plane into a field in the middle of no we're got to heaven they had a lot of explaining to do

William Montgomery with another brand new minute every single week for years this guy writes and performs a new minute for the internet one of the hardest jobs in all of stand-up comedy and he makes it look easy kyle i loved you as napoleon dynamite's brother and napoleon dynamite oh wow the rare roast you're very good in my country somebody else thank you oh that wasn't you no but a lot of people think it was but yes that was not me oh my god i was so excited about that i'm sorry i disappoint you oh no wow william do you remember curt from anything he wasn't in by any chance i loved you in speed two weren't you in speed two i don't remember do you love that movie yeah it's one of the best i really thought i honestly thought you were in speed two as what

is the boat driver there's a boat driver in speed two that looks just like you d madness going to urinate everybody uh how about a hamper d madness everyone turns out when you're blind your bladder is only half as big as other people i'm gonna start calling him p madness if he keeps this up he's blind yeah he's been blind the whole time yeah wow yeah you're the guest that it's taken the longest to figure that out by the way normally it's pretty early on holly shore came up a few weeks ago and immediately went in for a handshake on him first thing it was epic it was so natural when curt just said it so it's me i think it was the last one wow you didn't even notice no you just thought he was uh wearing sunglasses looking up like that for no reason like he just saw something

that none of us saw up there above the balcony i just thought he was sincerely wanted to dress garret weighing william what's been happening this week what do you got i don't know that really threw me off a little bit i swear to god i thought you were the brother of all you think that you're not wrong i did it i do a character which i did before nipoli and dynamite though i saw that movie i was like i can't really do that character anymore because it's we do look very look i'm sure kyle thought you were three other guys with red hair and a beard do what i didn't hear you you have a new raisin bread sponsorship i didn't fucking hear you i smoked too much fucking weed up there before this what'd you say i really didn't fucking hear you i got way too fucking high up there seriously

what'd you say how much weed did you smoke william a bluntsworth a bluntsworth a bluntsworth and it was way too fucking much it sounds like it sounds like somebody's butler bluntsworth a bluntsworth you want some balls that yeah you want some crazy balls help yourself she actually did give me some last week i went to her apartment and she gave me some at her place last week really yeah we've started talking some yeah did you guys like do anything do you fool around at all just kissed a little bit you did you made out with miss amio we kissed a little bit wow did you show her your crazy balls stupid that would have been inappropriate i did not i didn't you didn't pull out your balls at all no it would be a weird move if you guys just

kissed you only pull out your balls i know sweet amie it was so nice seeing her again yeah what was your favorite part of hanging out with uh miss amio and kissing her a little bit just watching her do that ventriloquist act i swear to god it was much better it was much better in her apartment she was hilarious really so i get why she tried to do that up here i mean it's i swear to god it was so fucking funny what she's doing how funny it was how funny was it i mean it was just so fucking funny when i saw miss amio in her goddamn apartment i tried to make moves order but it was really funny it was great is there a legitimate kink of that of like a puppet blowjob but it's just a it's really a hand job but do people pay for that oh it's so funny hold on

what did you just say seriously i got too high up there william you have new sponsors you're sponsored by raisin bread you quit drinking a few months ago and started a new raisin bread addiction and you've talked about raisin bread so much that you literally got a sponsorship how's that going for you well i flew to their offices in phenots Arizona they flew you private no i flew there was an issue oh really yeah i ended up going to their fucking offices and phoenix fucking arizona the deal fell through so i showed up with a fucking gun at their offices amio was with me oh shit damn god it was crazy did you have to buy three tickets so that the puppet could come too we did we did it was weird as shit literally she gets three fucking tickets

and i'm thinking to myself what is going on and i'm like oh my god it's that fucking puppet that's why it killed me when it didn't go well up here tonight it's so fucking funny like i get why she did it up here it's so good we had to get a fucking ticket for the goddamn puppet when we flew to phoenix the man is just on a different level to think how far we've come from a guy earlier that i asked if there was anything interesting about him and he said there's so many cool things that i can't talk about it and then all of a sudden william's here to remind us all about what comedy's about talking about flying with miss amio and her it was a rocky flight raised in red headquarters in

phoenix why was there was literally a lot of turbulence it was horrible it was a rocky ass what what airline did you guys fly delta oh wow yeah what what part of the plane did you three sit at we were in first class all three of you yeah she paid for it the puppet didn't the puppet didn't she paid for it she paid for a first class ticket for the puppet yeah amy has a lot of money really how do you think seriously she has a bunch of money wow what else did she do did she take you out to fancy a lot of why am i this is i love amy amy i love you there where are you wow amy where are you behind you she's over here she's over here oh Jesus Christ that's crazy i thought she was a little didn't we all hear her over there

i did literally a ghost this woman is fucking haunted i thought she was gonna literally have a fucking gun in her purse yeah no i know i was about to run out the back we all did there's no doubt about it i still think there's a gun in her purse yeah i think she thought i'm gonna bring a gun in my purse i'm gonna say i'm gonna bring a gun out see how it plays out and if they don't seem into it i'll just pull out everything but the gun i'll pull out everything but the literally everything i'll just pull out knitted balls if they feel nervous hold on what did you just say have a ball William you are a genius your act is unbelievable your interview process where you just slay

improvising and rolling with shit and being a silly fucking perfect fuck i tell them every week when we're if you're wondering what conversations with William and i are like you know in like green rooms before shows where it's just us and there's incredible energies in a sold out show that we're about to perform stand-up which we love more than anything and there's charcuterie boards and any drink you can imagine and really anything you want here i am talking one really angry person up there i love that shit nothing better than when a youtube commenter makes it to the show but yeah it's the type of life that we live and if you're wondering what we talk about in those moments where it's just him and i it's how perfect he is for comedy stop i wouldn't

say all that how perfect of a head he has for comedy he's built for comedy not that he looks like a young santa yeah hold on what was that kurt what was that William you've been having fun in life you had your own show here on friday night where you headlined you had a big packed audience you opened up for joe rogan all week last week and i learned to say when i walk off the stage that's my time yeah it's true tony taught me that william william was doing a weird thing which is uh for those of you that don't go to a lot of stand-up shows very interesting where he would absolutely just destroy for uh whatever 15 minutes and then instead of ending his set like a professional at all he literally goes your next

comedian everybody and just starts bringing up whoever's next which is almost always me and i told him i go william you're not even getting any applause from the like you have to like like soak it in like you could say well i didn't fucking know you've been doing stand-up how long you've been doing stand-up comedy for since like oh seven i had no idea he had no idea how to close this i literally go to him in the green i go what would you do if you were a paid regular at the comedy store and like what would you would just bring up someone like out of nowhere i mean well i didn't fucking know you have to picture no break at all remember how he used to bring up people also like how he would bring up me and shit on the road no like he would just be like

ah hit brian and then just like walk off oh yeah he would say people's names like all right i'm about to bring up brian red band let me tell you something about this guy he used to touch my penis i remember that one i remember saying that the one time i thought that was funny you got on to me about it but it must it must feel good now now you're getting to absorb the love from the audience at the end of your sets you want to do it right now all righty that's my time folks there you go look how cool that is william montgomery everybody now normally that would be when the show ends we fade to black in the youtube credits role but i made a deal with someone a little bit of an introvert earlier uh he said that if he has

five beers that he gets loose as a goose you might remember this guy from earlier i can't remember which latino name it is it's either Pedro Valenzuela or kevin rodriguez i do believe it's Pedro Valenzuela now hold on a second before you did go dancing your way to the end of this episode Pedro let me ask you uh it is Pedro Valenzuela right yes indeed have you had five beers i have four beers and uh a girl from les vegas helped me shut down one she was better than me okay four beers so we're four beers so we're almost you want to shock on a fifth one right now get him a beer up here yoni get your knife out yoni give us your knife yoni's got a knife keep shooting the show yoni while simultaneously pulling out your knife oh you guys are gonna parse got it yeah yeah yeah

oh you're gonna do it they do that is it legal for a bar to shock to make a shotgun beer for somebody i love the silly rules here here we go when's the last time you saw a 15 year old Puerto Rican shotgun a beer this is shotgunning a beer by Pedro Valenzuela do it for texas Pedro hell yeah absolutely perfect all right everything's in position Pedro what kind of music do you want to dance to give the give the band a little bit of a tip or so oh he's turning straight to them he's not even answering me that's a good sign i've been doing this a long time oh shit oh shit here we go this is the end of this episode of kill sony

he's he's dancing like he's shook on 10 beers hold on hold on hold on everybody stop stop stop Pedro what the fuck that's like a tiktok video what are you doing i thought there was going to be like i said i like listening to music i don't you dance after five beers how all of us dance with zero beers i thought we were going to get some crazy port i pictured you like spinning on your back and shit he looked like he was there's like a dance circle he was about to go there's that guy on the side if we fired up again will you just go extreme for us i don't know man i don't think so

how many you think Pedro should shock on one more beer up here he's not driving people he's not driving and he doesn't have the coronavirus we can do this but he's 19 how old are you Pedro i'm 23 23 years old living living his dreams a porter what did i call him no it's Pedro he's Pedro Valenzuela right Pedro no i'm Kevin Rodriguez okay so i did get those confused i've been calling you Pedro Valenzuela for maybe that's why he didn't dance 10 minutes here he goes this is kill tony that's not a beer chug that's a wine tasting oh my god look at that you could have drank it through a straw faster than that

look at how much he drips down diana ross it's incredible she looks up that's the worst beating diana ross has ever taken oh wait that doesn't make sense i got her confused with Tina Turner i fucked that one up sorry everybody what all right let's see how he dances now there could be vomit at any moment folks i think it's going to be so much better there will be vomit here we go we're going to get the mic Matt mulling has the right idea he's moving the mic stamp Pedro oh shit he's telling the drummer something else he's burping burping feeling slow please watch for the changes and try to keep up

the crowd loves that all right all right all right there he goes Kevin Rodriguez everybody and we did it again that's another episode of kill tony guys how about a hand again for the great our guests tonight the great kyle done again in curt metzger everybody go to youtube.com slash kyle done again and subscribe to their channel i swear to god i said it earlier i'll say it again one of the few things that genuinely makes me laugh i mean absolutely hilarious i could i could hear curt's writing and your writing and you guys coming together and it's it's everything that i think snl and other sketch shows should be right now

you guys are doing and it's going straight out to instagram and youtube so make sure you guys as diehard comedy fan support guys like this that are out there absolutely killing it with quality in a world where fucking a lot of the shit on cable and television and late night and stuff just absolutely sucks you guys are really leading a charge have some bowls man can i also plug napoleon dynamite yes also he's in napoleon dynamite everybody and kyle done again is also going on a tour get tickets at kyle done again comedy.com follow kyle follow curt metzger and thank you guys so much for being here with us thank you and how about one more time for the how about one last

time for the amazing killtony band everybody brought to you by screwball peanut butter whiskey and to our amazing sponsors the yellow rose and the red rose soco modern art austin reserve jinn cm smokehouse here's tonight's drawing by ryan j ebelt look how crazy that is that's you guys and us on tonight's special poster hand drawn yeah that just got finished in los angeles let's check out what chris rogers made tonight hey look at that michael lair the great insured dice clay a former character of the legendary michael lair who this week officially announced his retirement as a regular on killtony one of the great artists one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show one of the greatest stories in the history of my life getting to work with that man and we love michael

lair and we love injured dice clay great job chris rogers art a local artist here and thank you to the live audience we had so much fun tonight tonight was a fun episode you guys have fun tonight all right good night everybody thank you uh no you