KILL TONY - #525 - SHANE GILLIS + MITCH BURROW

Episode Date: October 2, 2021

Shane Gillis, Mitch Burrow, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Jule, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/13/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Get life insurance! Especially term coverage, which is surprisingly affordable. Why not pay a bit each month to protect the ones you love? If you’re asking yourself this question: choose Ladder. GO TO LADDERLIFE.COM/TONY.—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road, and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does, and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com.

And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Austin, Texas. This is a real podcast. You got to let these listeners at home know. Make some fucking noise. Yeah, Brian Redbance here, everybody. What an exciting treat. We're here for another one of these very fun Kill Tonys here live in Austin, Texas. You guys excited to be here tonight? How you guys doing? Everybody's good. How about a hand for that Kill Tony band, everybody? Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey.

My goodness. That's Dalton joining tonight on Saxophone, ladies and gentlemen. His first time at a Kill Tony. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on drums. Matt Mueling on guitar. And my friend here, D-Madness on bass guitar, everybody. We're having fun. Very, very exciting. Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. The two best strip clubs in the world just happen to be here in Austin, Texas. Soco Modern Art Gallery is an art gallery around the corner. We don't have any art here tonight, but that's a new art gallery on Congress Avenue. Check that out.

And we're all stuffed up on food by the delicious CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres. Local amazing treats. Incredible stuff. Fun times. Ooh, a bucket of ice is up here. I don't think that's ice. The great Ryan J. E. Belt drawing tonight's episode all the way from Los Angeles, California. And let's just get into it. But before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

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Live from Austin. It's Monday night. That's right. With our special regulars, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, David Lucas, musical guests, the Kill Tony Band, brought to you by delicious screwball peanut butter whiskey. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest makes some noise from Shane Gillis and Mitch Burrow, everybody. Shane Gillis is back. Mitch Burrow is back. Yeah, two of our favorite guests of all time. Shane Gillis has the newest, craziest, best special out on YouTube right now. He shot it here. It's called Live in Austin with Shane Gillis.

This is your big return to the city in which you shot that special in, right? Welcome back. Yeah, it's good. I love you. Hell yeah. Look at that. A nice audience. I believe that guy was Asian too, so that's extra points right there. They've come around. Mitch Burrow, you kept us alive during some of the quarantine episodes. One of my great friends from Los Angeles, Comedy Store regular employee, everything. How about a hand for my friend, Mitch? He's here, everybody.

Thank you. Back in Austin, Texas. I do want to say it is an honor to be here with both you and Shane. I don't think anybody has done as much for the Stop Asian Hate movement as the two of you. All right. Just really bringing awareness to the cause. You fucking snake. We're in the green room. The guy's nice as hell. Do we get out here and you backstab us?

Awareness is important and you guys did a lot for the cause. We love it. We're having fun. We did. We all went and saw Shang-Chi together before the show. All right. You guys have been guests on this show before. You guys know how it works. Maybe it's your first time at the show and you don't know. But comedians get 60 seconds.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means you hope they wrap it up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which is really just loud and annoying and it stops people from continuing to try to tell jokes if they do that. You figured it out. Yeah. I've known the whole time, but thank you. Thank you, Red Van. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

But before, you know what? Let's start it with a regular instead of going to the bucket. This guy has been a regular on the show for a few months here in Austin. He was made a regular. He's a favorite to everyone around the world. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the great Hans Kim, everybody. Hey. I like women.

I think they're very hot. And I mean sexually, not like any other way, but I mean sexually. I don't think I can ever fuck a dude. I've never looked at a beautiful woman and been like, wow, is there a version of her that's bigger and hairier and has less kindness? I don't want to put that on my butthole. Straight as fuck. Please believe me, my dad doesn't.

I'm glad women give birth. I feel like if men gave birth, we'd be like, bro, I've been eating so much protein and creatine during my pregnancy. This baby's like 27 pounds already, bro. It's all about those gains of the first trimester. Check out his biceps and the ultrasound. I feel bad for people in relationships because they have to carry their mistakes around with them. I have a comrad too. I don't make you memorize its name.

Thank you. Hans Kim. Wow. Another new minute from Hans Kim. Is that true? Does your dad really think you don't get laid? He doesn't respect me, which I just translate to mean that he thinks I'm gay. It motivates me to work harder. Do you ever try to prove to him in any way that you got laid? Do you ever send pictures or anything?

I think he knows by now. I shunned him an episode of Kill Tony where I didn't kiss anyone because I felt like that was too intimate. I don't want him to think about me fucking. Wow. And he just took that and only listened or watched that one? He didn't do any digging after that? He's a mathematician, so he's a nurse.

No way. Wow. What does your mom do for work? She works as... Also a mathematician. She teaches kids math in school. Oh my God. Unbelievable. We have him. This is the real Asian superhero, Hans Kim. We have him here on this show.

Hans, what else is going on in life? What's been happening this week with you? I broke up with my date. I went to San Antonio. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What do you mean you broke up with your date? We got into a fight and it got ugly and we just stopped talking. But then today we FaceTime, so...

What kind of fight? It was like... Kung Fu? Stop. Karachi. There's three of you up here. Hell yeah. I've been hanging out with Hans this week.

The new DMT pen that he keeps hitting continuously. Hans, tell the people about your DMT pen. My DMT pen has a white tip. You hit it and you hold it in and then you hold it in until you start to feel like... And that's when it starts. Wow, and that's the creepiest thing I've ever seen you do is that moment. I've never even seen you give off a creepy vibe before until right then. With him coming also, it seems like.

Well, what else, Hans? What else is going on? Anything else exciting you've been making out with the way I go ahead? Are you just ripping DMT? Yeah. Watch out. Yeah, he's doing it a lot. Hans is a real rock star. He's really taken this status of his on this show.

He's always at these pool parties in the hills every night. How do you do it, Hans? What's your secret to keeping such a lively nightlife and doing all these drugs? He basically does anything anybody offers to him. Yeah, that doesn't make people want to kiss me, but it's true. I do everything and anything. But I guess the secret is to have a lot of unemployment money saved up and then just... Hell yeah, we love unemployment money here on Kill Tony.

It keeps our fan base alive. I love it. What else, Hans? You broke up with your date? You been with any other girls this week? No, I haven't. I wrote with a female comedian, Holly Johnston today, but it wasn't like that. Wow, you dropped her name and everything. She was on here. Yeah, she's a good friend.

What are you doing? We wrote comedy together. Is that what your motive was? Was that your motive? Were you like, it's time for me to find the best comedic mind I can? I know a lady. There was nothing else behind that? There was definitely...

There was no secret motive? We went to the party last night. We went to a pool party and I did ketamine. Wow, how did that make you feel? Tell us what ketamine is like. Be descriptive, use a word other than ah. Two odds up. Ketamine was like cocaine, like what you think cocaine would be.

It was like a fun version of cocaine, like cocaine for kids. How often do you do regular cocaine? Probably three times a month. Three times a month. That's pretty good. Hell yeah. It's killing a lot of good comedians in LA, but Hans is still here, so that's good. Oh, no, that's not true.

Got that oil money here, baby. I've never heard of an Asian overdosing on drugs. Does that even happen? Okay, anyway. Yikes, I didn't realize positive stereotypes are unacceptable as well. Geez, those people don't get overdosed very often. Asian cocaine is just Adderall. Is that it?

Performance enhancing drugs. All right, Hans. Do you even want to make out with anyone this week? Kind of. Is there anyone in the audience? If a normal girl comes up here, you get an eye-kissed Hans Kim T-shirt, a Kill Tony logo on the upper back. Incredible stuff.

So now I must ask, is there a lady out there that wants to come up and make out with Hans Kim real quick? Do you want to? You can. You get a shirt. Hans Kim likes making out with girls, so I let him live his dreams every week. For a while there, we had too many strippers coming down. Then I found out on the show that they got free. What was it?

They don't have to pay their house fees. Usually strippers have to pay 10% to the club. But it turns out if you make out with Hans Kim, you don't have to give 10% to the strip club that you work at. These lips are worth money. Come on, there must be some lady out there that wants to come up and give Hans Kim a big kiss. Is there a hero out there in the audience tonight? Everybody loves this segment of the show. Alright.

Who among you is dumb enough to have this on the internet forever? Well, Hans, I don't know, dude. Man, this has to hurt a little bit, dude. Hans, how do you feel knowing that your run of making out with random chicks every Monday is coming to an end right now? I'm kind of relieved. Oh, shit. What is this? Wow.

Holy shit. Wow, and he hands her the mic right away straight to second base with this one. Wow. Okay, I didn't know Oompa Loompas had nurses, but this is so exciting. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. You're an American hero. You came up and made out with Hans.

Thanks. What's your name? Bella. Bella, when did your dad die? I have a lot of daddy issue jokes. I just wanted a 60-second set. I thought you said no strippers. Bella, have you ever made out with an Asian man before?

I actually honestly haven't. How did that feel? How did it feel? Is there anything different? I felt like I'm going to have to see him like three times a week. That's a lot. We do comedy together, so I was like, why not? Oh, okay.

All right. Okay, give the microphone back to Hans. Now that I know you're a comedian, let's give it back to little Hansy over here. Hansy, so you've been working with her for weeks, months? Months. And you guys see each other regularly? Yeah. How did it make you feel making out with her?

It was hotter. Hotter than what? There's something on the line. This could go wrong. This could go bad. Yeah, you might end up in a relationship. You got that nine month law now in Texas. Also, you need to like really think about the abortion law.

What are you guys talking about? What are you guys having your own little side conversation there? Why am I always making out with guys on this show the second time? Oh, really? You've done this before. I get bored in the cow pins. Wow. Did they call it a cow pin?

Is that a thing? Is that a thing? Okay. All right. I always thought, I heard bull pin before. I didn't know a cow pin was a thing. That might be, that might be a Texas thing too. It's gender inclusive.

All right. I like it. That's true. I love it. Well, thank you, Bella. Thank you, Hans. Let's keep the show moving. Oh, you guys making, all right.

Hans, Hans, Hans. You didn't know what to do with his Hans, everybody. One more time for Hans, Kim. You can't help it. I can't help myself. It's becoming a- The great people of Shae-Z are here. One of my favorite restaurants in town.

What? Is it becoming a fetish to you to watch Hans make out with women now? Yeah. It's a real fetish. Yes. Indeed. I love more than watching an Asian man awkwardly make out with a stranger. You're right.

I just, I don't know. Ever since I started it, I just, all right. Make some noise for Breonna Switchler, everybody. Here we go. The show begins. We don't know these people. A complete stranger out of the bucket. Here she comes, everyone.

I believe this is her first time on this show. Make some noise. One more time for Breonna Switchler. Shit. Hello. This is really awkward. I actually wasn't expecting to come up here. And I hate to break it to you all.

I'm not a comedian. I'm just a queer black woman who aspires to the same status and privilege as white men. So I figured I'd come up here and make an ass of myself because it seemed to work for everybody else up here. So, you know, I'm really just kind of doing this to survive. You can kind of think of me as like a sex worker, right? You know, think of this as me giving you a really lame hand job and spitting in my hand and just jerking it real slow. You wouldn't be mad if I finished, but you're kind of hoping that I'd finish a little bit quicker. Speaking of white people, you know,

you know how they say white people can't cook? I beg to differ because white people really know their way around a casserole. You look like you like Mayo. You like Mayo? No? Are you sure? You ever tried to use it as a lube? No?

Well, I'm going to leave you all of that. Yikes. Okay. There you go. Breonna Switchler. That's a bear. That happens if what you did happens happens. That's what happens.

Hi, Breonna. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Is everything you said true? You're not a comedian? No, I'm not. I'm friends with comedians and I happen to have a somewhat decent sense of humor. Right, of course.

But it didn't translate. I'm aware. That happens. That's all right. What made you want to sign up tonight? I figured, you know, why not shoot my shot, right? Attack the patriarchy. Yeah.

This is really a protest. Yeah. We can tell. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure you can with your Bass Pro Shop hat, so. Yeah, I just did. I can tell. Yeah.

Bud Light, too. Fuck yeah. It's clear you're not a fan. Oh, I'm a fan. Breonna, do you really not like white people? I'm half white, actually. Surprise, surprise, I know. You don't say, clearly white lady?

You didn't see my fanny pad? You can tell she's half white because she thought the Latina chick was white as well, so. Yeah. Yeah. She's clearly Mexican as shit. Yeah. Yeah, that lady's black as hell. Mexican people only put mayo on their corn.

It's just white passing. It's very weird. Very interesting. Which might be loot. Breonna, so you seem like a walking lawsuit on this show. Like, I mean, it really, it just seems like a straight up setup, so I'm not really going to go that deep with you. Are you sure? Normally, as a vampire, I feed off of comedians that are looking to thrive and then make the most of an opportunity on a show like this.

Yeah, you're wasting people's time that actually care about this, you know? Wow, thank you. Serious red band, everybody. Nothing makes me happier than a serious red band. I love that. Nothing rows them up. So Breonna, is there anything fun about you that we might find interesting on a live podcast, like an interview? Any fun facts about you that, like, any hobbies or anything cool that you're into?

Just eating ass, man, that's it. Are you talking about your comedy act again? Yeah. Alright, we're going to, a lot of comedians signed up for the chance to do a minute here, so we're just going to keep it moving. If that's alright with you, Breonna, are you good? It's alright with you, man, thank you. Alright, Breonna, switch, everybody. Come back again, try it again, prepare next time, Breonna.

Which one of her parents does she hate? That's what I want to know. What was that casserole joke? Why people make casserole? Yeah. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Who doesn't love a f- Make some noise for casserole, people.

Hey, fuck seasoning. Am I right? Fuck seasoning. Salt and pepper, baby, that's it. Just salt. Michael Man Dragon. Wow, what a cool name, Michael Man Dragon. Okay, here we go.

He's next. Michael Man Dragon, everybody, one more time for Michael. How's it going? Cool. My girlfriend's bulimic, so I bought her bidet. That way whenever she throws up, she can wash her mouth out right there. Believe it or not, she hates that joke. But she's not real, so it's okay.

Okay. I told that joke and some woman called me a misogynist. She was kind of ugly, so it didn't really affect me. And I don't know what a misogynist is. Is that someone who likes misogynists? No. Little bit of exciting news. My girlfriend got hit by a bus.

Never mind. Michael Man Dragon. Look at that. Yeah, Mitch wants to hear the end of the joke. Your girlfriend got hit by a bus this week. Everything rides on the end of this joke now. We had great momentum rolling out, but Mitch wants to throw you under the... Basically, due to you, what happened to your girlfriend?

Go ahead, Michael. Little bit of exciting news. My girlfriend got hit by a bus. Yeah, thank God. I was not ready to be a father. Boom. Michael Man Dragon. Wow.

Look at you. Absolutely killing. On the show. Basically, the complete opposite of Brianna before him. You are, I bet, the exact type of white guy that she hates more than anybody. Someone that just comes up and does the job. Michael, I love you, man. How old are you?

I'm 26. Look at you. How long have you been on stand-up? Since April 21st. Wow, you just started. Damn. Jeez, Louise. How do you write?

What do you do? You seem like you have some real serial killer vibe. I get that a lot, but no. Yeah. Hey, man, you're doing great. Relax. You are shaking a lot right now, and it's making me nervous. I think, I don't think it was that good.

Oh, shit. I don't. I think, I think Brianna's right about... I think, just, you guys all white guy, and you were all like, I'm with Brianna. Say her name. Oh, my God, that is hilarious. Michael, what are you been doing with your life all the way up until April 21st or whatever?

What are you, what are you been doing? I just quit H-E-B. Wow. What were you at cashier? I was a personal shopper. Wow. I like how you looked around for a big applause there. You really thought the place was going to go crazy on that one.

What, what is a personal shopper? I think people place their H-E-B online orders and then you go around and you know where everything is. It's basically like you get to play supermarket sweep all day long. Just you out there running around. How about with your, the rest of your life? Do you have any hobbies or fun things that you like to do? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to go out, play part cheesy with the strangers out on a, at a park. I like to play chess.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's obvious. What else? You kind of look like a young gerbils. Oh, very good, very good World War II reference. That is a little joey, little joey gobs.

Michael, what else about you? There must be something we're missing. Fun stuff other than chess and stand up. I like to read, watch TV, you know. Hell yeah. What do you like to read? I just read a book about the Lakers. ESPN the magazine, I believe that was.

I love it. You live with your parents? You have a pretty sheltered life? I live with my parents. Yeah. Okay. That's the vibe I'm getting. My fucking power is heightening here.

You live with your parents? They're pretty tough cookies, right? Military father, school teacher, mom? No, but they're pretty strict. Yeah. In what ways? Can you give us an example of something you can't believe that they still make you do or something like that?

Or can't do or curfew or something? I could tell in the viciousness of your jokes is why I'm able to tell this is because you write like a person who's like escaping from something. Like super religion, I thought. Is it super religion? Yeah, like they keep you in the basement. They're like, you can go out for two hours on Monday between eight and ten. That's it.

And you better not get up to any ruckus. And you're out here just like, fuck. What do you do in the shadows? You fucking vampire? You're 26. So do you put a sock on the door to let your mom know you're jerking off or what? Yes. Yeah.

Do you really? No, I was just trying to go along with what you said. What is it? Have you ever gotten caught masturbating at home? Yes, I have. What was that like? Can you describe to us what that moment was like? Did you turn into a bat and escape the room?

Count Wacula? There we go. Here we go. I'm fired up. Tell us more about you. Any answers to those? Do you turn into a bat? No.

How did they catch you? What room are you in? What's going on? You're in the kitchen. You're just fucking getting down. You're in the crypt. I was just in my room and she walked in and I said, get out. Wow.

She just straight up walks into your room when the door is closed? Yeah. What type of position were you in? Were you perhaps bridging on your neck or something like that? Augie style. No, I was just in bed. Is that how you said it though? Or you just like, get out.

Yeah. Because it sort of seems like you're sort of inviting her for a... Get out unless you want to do something. Come on, it's his mother. I'm kidding. Yeah. Did she follow those rules? Did you have to invite her in?

You know a lot about vampires, dude. Yeah, suspiciously large amount. What's that vampire hunter's name? Van Helsing. I knew you'd know it, dude. Abraham Lincoln? What do you think is the most vampire-like thing about you? You know us.

By the way, his name is Michael Mandragan. Mandragan. That's a pretty vampire-y name, dude. It's Mondragan, but my handwriting's bad, but it's probably my face. Probably Von. Von Dragan. Michael Von Dragan. I love you.

Are these lights too bright for you? Is that why you're shaking right now? Nice way. Hell yeah. Pretty fast metabolism. Do you eat a lot? Yeah. When's the last time you fed?

All right. We don't need the goblin laugh. Get out of here. That lady's crazy. Okay. Anything else, Michael? I feel like I could keep you up here forever. No, just a big fan of all y'all guys.

And thanks for having me on. Absolutely hilarious minute. Come back. Here, Michael. I have one of those. You can write your verses in there. Take that home with you. Don't let your parents find that.

Well, son, I found this leather book under your bed, and then I Googled what it was, and a bunch of slurs came up. All right. We're having fun. Make some noise for Colin O'Mara, everyone. Colin O'Mara right out of the bucket. Who you gonna call? Man, that sax sounds good, Tony.

Yeah, it does. Oh, wow. Colin O'Mara, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. So I drove down here about a month ago from outside of Philly. I saw a God hates gay sign. As soon as I got to Texas, I was like, I'm home, you know, figured it out.

Now, I never got that, because I was like, if anybody's gay, like, isn't that God, you know what I'm talking about? Like, hear me out. He hangs out with a bunch of dudes all the time wearing silk, white robes and shit, calls them as angels. That's a little suspect if you ask me, you know. What the real kicker is, I think he gathered all the angels around one day, and he said, fellas, listen, I've decided I want to have a kid.

And they were like, go right ahead, y'all. Find the right girl, make it happen, you know. He said, not really my style. You know what I mean? I want a virgin to have my kid. They're like, pardon me. He said, Gabriel, I found the right one. I want you to go down there and tell the details.

Gay flies on down. He said, Mary, Mary, listen, God wants you to have his kid. But don't worry, he doesn't even have sex with you. She said, good. I'm 12 years old. He said, baby, we're Catholics. We're gonna go fuck about that. You know what I'm talking about?

That's it. Thank you. Colin, you were just on the show, right? A couple weeks ago? Two weeks ago, it's airing right now, simultaneously. Yeah, what happened? Remind everybody what happened during that episode. I came up, you asked me what I like to do,

and I said I like to drink. And then I drank five shots of Jameson on stage. Yeah, right. That's right. And then the rest of the night, all the fans kept behind me, Jameson, it was the best day of my entire goddamn life. I was like, oh, shit.

It really was. It was Christmas. And I saw him a couple hours later during the after-party thing, and fucking this guy more sober than anybody else in the room. Yeah. You came up to me because a fan bought me another five shots of Jameson, and your reaction was you were like, do you need like a hotel room?

And I was like, Tony, I'm driving. I told you. And you were like... You didn't really drive. Ah! That's not true, right? You tried to get him a hotel room? No, I didn't.

I took a... I mean, yeah. I was gonna make sure that he didn't drive home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was my word. You wanted him to drive into your butt? Yeah. That's what it was.

I was gonna walk him over. I was gonna walk him over to the hotel personally and get him that room. Well, that's what I said. You said you wanted a hotel. I was like, Tony, how about an Uber? I was like, that's the first reaction. You were like, hotel, my man?

Maybe you were drunker than November. No, I love it. No, that's my thing, man. So, Colin, do you drink like that every night? It's become a problem since I quit my job, for sure. Oh, yeah. It's an issue. I've been on like a two-week bender,

and there's no end in sight. It's... Oh, yeah, you gotta pawn some of this dumb jewelry. Yeah, it's all I got. It's all I got. No, get rid of it. What are you doing? Why are you doing that?

You know how hard it is to tell the homeless people on the street that I don't have any money on me? Like, what the fuck is that? They're like, what's that shit? You look like a Persian. Yeah. Knock it off. You know something?

I think... You went to Westchester. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to Westchester. Yeah, I was gonna ask. Are you sure? Yeah, I dropped out. Yeah, obviously.

All right, all right. Well, it sounds like you guys have your own spin-off podcast. Don't be jealous. Don't be, because you wouldn't go to the hotel with you. The boy is mine. The boy is mine. The boy is mine.

I'll take care of you. I'll take care of you. Oh, come on. He's not even my type. No, get it. Colin, so what else is interesting about you? You know, like I said, the drinking thing is pretty much a problem.

I told my mom. She's a big liberal. Alex Jones was the guest when I was on two weeks ago. She was real excited for me. She was like, who is the guest? Alex Jones? How does your mom even know we have guests on this show? I told her.

I told her, hey, I got on a show last night, yada yada. Guest was Alex Jones. She said, who's Alex Jones? I was like, don't Google him. I was like, don't look him up. Like, she's very big into the mass and everything. So I was like, it's not it. Because I think when I was on stage,

he might have said something. He was like, found she's fucking gay. And I was like, fuck yeah, dude. Right. She's gonna be like, Texas has changed you. My boy. Like, what happened? You were more liberal before?

I've never voted before. I don't really pay attention. Yeah, I don't vote. I'll vote. Like, if there's a president I'd like to have a drink with. Like, that's my philosophy. I don't think you should ever vote. I probably never will.

I don't think you want my vote. That's right. Regardless of what side you're on. Other than drinking, Colin, do you have any special skills or talents? Believe it or not, I used to actually be very good in school. That didn't go up very well. I'm actually a smart kid. Like what?

Like what in school were you good at? Like English. Like I got like a five on like the AP English exams. Wait, you were in AP in high school? Yeah. Like, whoa. Yeah. I didn't know we had a goddamn Albert Einstein up here.

This is in Philly? A Philly high school? Like, I'm in the suburbs. Like, I'm not. Wow. This is what the valedictorians are like in Philadelphia. I didn't even. Hey, what's up?

I just want to thank everybody, especially God. Even though we'd be wearing like robes with other dudes and shit. You know, I almost didn't do that joke tonight because like I used to be like my big joke when I would do shows in Philly or New York and everything. And then I got to Texas and everyone was like, don't make fun of the Lord. And I was like, all right, shit. And I was like, this ain't going well, but I did it. That's so weird.

That is weird. Where the fuck were you performing? Like Taylor Texas? Where were you? Like Eldian? Where were you in Philly? Like, I'm originally from Coatesville, Pennsylvania. I mean, where'd you perform?

Oh, like helium? Oh, nice. Yeah, like, yeah. Helium and then all around and then the stand in New York and stuff like that. It's exciting to know that helium has an open mic night. That is very exciting. No, I did that. They did.

It's exciting for me and it's exciting for Colin. Oh, wow. That's very good. Colin, I like your rings. Thank you. Why do you have rings? Yeah, are those real? Well, yeah, that one's my family crest and that my dad passed on.

Your family crest? Yeah, it's my family crest. You guys knights? He cares about your family crest. What is Irish and shit, you know? What's Irish? What are you doing with jewelry? I know this is just how I look.

That's what we talk about last time. Why are you acting like a wop, dude? Be Irish. I can't help it. How dare you use a word like that about my people. I'm a really plate victim about this one. No, I drink like a Irish other than that. Like I said, yeah, that's what we talked about last time.

Yeah, your family crest though. Let's talk about it. Like what type of family? What type of a generational power are you coming from? Your father in Philly, what does he do for work? He's dead. He's dead? Yeah, he's dead.

He's a dead. He's one of the dead ones. He died fighting dragons? No. No. Valiantly? No. No, it's much...

No, he... I always can't answer. Son, take my ring. It has the crest of thy family on it. There could only be one. It is your ring now. What is on the crest, like a burning cross? It's like half lions.

It's just like lions and like seashells and shit. How did your dad die? How did he die? What happened? He killed himself. It's not as fun to talk about. Jesus Christ, man. Yeah, I didn't...

Hey, you went... Wow. How old were you when he did this? 18. Oh, my God. That's like the worst age ever for that. It was my first week of college at Westchester. Oh, man.

Rams up. That's why you dropped down. No, I dropped out two years later when I realized I wasn't going to graduate. How did he kill himself? Did he... The old fashioned way. You know what I mean? Drowning himself in the ocean.

That's why the seashells are on there. Hold on. No, it was a gun. Oh. Yeah, man's way out, I guess. Okay, was he... Were him and your mom already separated during that? No, no.

You have younger siblings? Is this triggering? I'm the youngest. Is this triggering? No, not at all. I'm completely over it. I started doing a joke about it now. No, man.

Unfortunately, this isn't the kind of gun his dad used to shoot him. Actually, very similar. It was like a... He died by flag through throat. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not... It's fun that you can laugh about it, though.

It's fun that we can laugh about it. I do. I started doing jokes about it now. When I was in New York, when it was too close to it, I started doing a joke. Everyone just got real upset. Right, right, right. And I would just walk up stage and they would just pat me on the back. Yeah, you got to be careful when you're starting out.

You really shoot yourself in the face. Everything was good? It was just... He got it out of the blue? I mean, it wasn't necessarily out of the blue. Did you find him? No, I wasn't home. I was visiting friends at Penn State.

Oh, man. Okay. Wow. Yeah, and then I just got a call from my uncle who lives in Boston at 9am. I was with a woman and I was like, this is the best day of my life. And it was 9am. My uncle from Boston called and I was like, if it's important, he'll call back. And then he called back right away and I was like, okay, something bad happened

because Boston's eight hours from where I live. So I was like... And then, yeah. And you were with a girl for the first time? Is that what you said? Not the first time, but... Oh, what a wild one night scene. That would be for her.

Oh, yeah. I was with the guys. Oh, no, no, no. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Some lady like... Yeah.

No, she offered to uber me back home for like $200 and I was like, I don't need... She didn't offer you a hotel? Yeah. Absolutely perfect. You would have gotten some rest. Wow. I did go to a hotel because we couldn't go home. Wow.

So we went to a hotel. Damn. We're really diving deep now. Yeah. Getting into it. How's your mom? She's doing great now. She started dating a few years...

She has COVID right now, actually. I forgot. Oh, shit. She's actually not doing well at all. Wow. Her dad's name's not Tony, is it? What? Well, that just...

It would be ironic. No, no, she... Few years later... Yeah, she is doing well. I think she just beat it, like today. She's doing good. She's not gonna die. She wasn't her 60s though, so...

You don't have any missed calls from your uncle, do you? You never gonna believe this one, kid? How bad would that be? I go, fucking... Yeah. Oh, did your uncle have a Boston accent? Well, no. Oh, he was like, your dad's...

You're not gonna believe this. Your father... The worst way to find out... The worst accent? One of your parents' dad is through a Bostonian accent. Your father... What happened to dad? Your father...

Why do you keep stopping when you say father? Well, that's as far as I wanna go. Rub salt in the very clearly open wound of this man. Now, like I said, it's been four years, you know, like... Oh, yeah, you're totally over it too. Yeah, very clearly, I'm thriving. That's devastating stuff. Yeah, for sure, but...

Wow. I don't wanna joke about it right now. But you're out here, you're having fun. I've seen you around the fucking scene the last couple weeks. Out here doing jokes, you're doing it. He saw you. Well, yeah, I was here two days ago, I guess. But yeah, like I told you, I quit my job two weeks ago,

and I've been looking, has not been going well at all. So what's your plan? What are you gonna do? I've got a new credit card, so I recently just got $5,000. You know what I mean? And I'm just gonna keep opening new credit cards until I follow in with my dad's footsteps. There you go, you said it. You said it so that I didn't have to.

We all saw that one coming. No, actually, I'm extremely broke. It's a problem. So what are you gonna do? Last time we talked about it, I tried to sign it for DoorDash, and they just said no, because my last name had an apostrophe. What about Uber Eats? Postmates? Favourite? No, I did Uber Eats, and I'm like, I'll get like $3 like a delivery. And I'm like, this is fucking ridiculous.

I don't know what to do. You can just eat it. I swear to God, I did. I already gave up. I got like a limit. You can just sign up once and I just eat the deal. I'm not doing this. And then the next time I went, I said delivery for Catherine, and they were like, we never got it.

And I just deleted the app. I was like, I'm not handling this. What about waiting on tables? There are so many restaurants out here that need servers, and that's the best way to make money in this fucking city. I did apply to one place. I applied to one place. There you go. This bus boy is clapping for you over here. Yeah.

A bunch of comics in town work at a restaurant, and they were like, apply, and then I applied, and they were like, we'll call you tomorrow. And they didn't call. And they were like, just call them back, and I called them back, and they're like, we'll have you in for training tomorrow. And they just haven't. They just never called you, just like your dad.

Okay. You guys made it weird. Not me. He signed up for it, people. I was going to say, yeah, walked into it, but yeah, basically, but I'll figure it out, you know? Yeah, you know what? Red Band is a good idea. We're going to buy you some shots.

Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, thank you. That's a great idea. If you're going to take a shot to the head, you're not going to do it like your father. All right. So there you go. We're going to buy you a drink.

You go over there. There goes Colin O'Mara, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Let's get another regular up here. What do you guys say, huh? All the way from Los Angeles, California. This guy's been visiting a couple weeks out of every month. It's always great to have him.

He's a fucking beast of a comedian. Unbelievable roaster. Make some noise for the great David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. How about it? Yeah. Oh, nice. Now is the best time to be black for the best time.

This is the best time to be black. It's almost illegal to be a straight white male right now. I love being black. It's the best shit, man. Like I feel like I can slap a white baby right now. I be hearing babies cry on the airplane. I'm like, nigga, you got one more sniffle before I choke the fuck out of you.

I think I finally found out why relationships don't work. And it's because women believe too much in their love language bullshit. Like I hate going on dates and girls are like, what's your love language? Mine is words of affirmation and acts of service. What's yours? Sucking dick, bitch. That's my fucking love language. Some head.

How about that? How about I forcefully take my dick and shove it to the back of your throat? Is that an act of service enough for your ass? All right, man. Thank you. Fuck yeah. David Lucas up here showing how it's done a new minute every week. Yeah.

Back again doing it. Welcome back, David Lucas. What's up, Tony? What you been up to? Shit. Hell yeah. That jacket ugly as fuck, bro. Oh, come on.

Come on, David. That shit, nigga. You look like a 1960 gay taxi cab. Oh, son of a bitch. They let some cows pee on your jacket before you put it on. Oh, come on. That one. That one hurt a little bit.

That shit ugly, bro. Well, you got a new t-shirt there you squabs into tonight. Yeah. Look at that. They didn't have it the one size bigger like you need it. All right. You just mad because your jacket looked like the inside of a urinal. Oh.

God damn it. How do you know what the inside of a urinal looks like? I actually go to the men's restroom. Oh. Nice. It's crazy. It's unbelievable. He got me.

For sure. That's a good men's restroom joke. Without a doubt. Red Band reminded me after you said that joke, you only go to the men's room for the urinal cake. It's a Red Band joke. It's good. You go to the women's restroom for the free toilet seat covers.

I actually, I actually do do that. How do you use a red? Do you really ever go to the bathroom in like a public restroom? What's that like for you? I don't take a shit there, but I piss in public restrooms. Yeah. I like to be comfortable when I'm shitting like shoes and socks off. Oh, okay.

You can take your shoes and socks off in a public restroom. You got to wear shoes and socks to go into the establishment, but you can take them off once you get inside. Yeah. Bitch, we from the same state. That's the most Georgia shit you ever said. That's the most Georgia. You guys are both from Georgia and you're both shaped like that.

That is worth noting. That is, I didn't know they said it peaches the fruit because that's what everybody's shaped like. If we were going by the shape of states, you'd be from Florida. Ah, fuck. Because I love the panhandle. I love it. Where you been lately? What have you been doing? I went fishing today, bruh.

Oh, shit. Typical polar bear shit to do. What'd you catch? Diabetes? Shut the fuck up, dude. Hey, Shane. You up here looking like a sunburned sea turtle. They don't have to make sense. No, they don't.

He usually says the n-word after it and it gets a lot more laughs. It's funny. It's funny to say. He changed the structure. I can't say the n-word that much, bruh. Say it. Why, because you from Georgia? Yeah, yeah, don't say it. Because of YouTube.

The video's been getting demonetized. Do it so they have to do it. Don't say it. The ultimate roast. He's a bigger liability than having Nicki Minaj as a regular on the show, right? Bruh, for real, bruh. Who's on your shirt? What is that? Some random white bitch, bruh.

What is it? Oh, it's a gentleman's... Is that a real place? Is that, like, somewhere you went? I mean, bruh, like, I see shirts online and buy them. You know what I'm saying? I don't... Oh. It's a great shirt. Yeah, yeah, thank you.

I actually am surprised how much ass they're showing on the shirt for some reason. It's just stretching on his stomach. Heck, yeah. Mitch, you are two cheeseburgers away from my size. Get the fuck outta here. And that is a number two in McDonald's, I know, so... That is... Hey!

Deep madness. That was right on... He probably went to Juilliard to learn that shit. That's crazy. You didn't get what you deserved. He said he went to Foolyard. That's pretty good. That was cool. David, what else is going on? What else is going on in your world? At the AT&T Center this Saturday and Friday.

Oh, wow. They're finally fixing their Wi-Fi there? What's going on? What are you doing at the AT&T? AT&T Center in San Antonio, and then next week Denver on the Thick Boy tour will bring the shop. Oh, okay. Thick Boy. Thick Boy, you know what I'm saying? He had added another C to it when you joined the tour.

I love it. All right. Anything else, David? What else is going on? It's been a while since we've seen you, right? Were you here last week? I can't remember. They all blend together now. I was, yeah. D-Madness, he never forgets a face.

That's about it, man, performing around the country on the Thick Boy tour. How's hanging out with Brendan Shab and the crew? Does he make you work out all day? Yeah, he makes people eat healthy and do shit, right? Yeah, we've been working out, you know what I'm saying? Eating healthy. We can do.

Yeah, bro. I can probably outdo you in push-ups, Mitch. What? How many of you want to see these guys have a picture? All right. Hold on. Hold on. Mitch has some weird disclaimer he wants to do.

I'll do it, but we shot gonna beer first. What? We shot gonna beer first. I love it. In honor of the last comedian, they are shotgunning one straight to the face. We need a pocket knife. I know some.

No, that's a pen. I need a pocket knife. Here you go. Here you go. I got you right there. I got a real Texas knife now, Shane. Whoa. It reminds me of Janice.

All right. Jesus Christ. It's so fun. All right. There's shotgunning a beer. There's a lot left in that one. All right. Here they go.

One, two, three, four. You guys got to go down more. Wow. Wow. Wow. David Lucas. Wow. Okay, very good.

You agreed to that and you could only do five? I just won. You fucking idiot. But I know I can shotgun a beer. Yeah. When the challenge was issued, if you knew, you could only do, like if he was like, hey, you want to do a run a mile?

I beat him in a race, too. No. I remember that. I beat him in a race. I was there for that. The point of being a guest on the panel is to make the comedians look good. I sacrifice.

I'm a martyr. That's right. Yeah. True. I'll give you that. And I got to shotgun a beer. Well, you could just shotgun a beer. Whatever you want.

Yeah, you probably right. You had four push-ups in your back pocket and you were like, you were like, all right, call. Here's the thing. Shay, how many you got? I'm not doing push-ups here. The last time I did push in.

Wait a second. He thinks he can do 20. There's no way. Whoa. He's leaving. He's leaving. He's going to pee? He's going to pee.

He's snapping one off. Yeah, he's going to do it. In the woman's restroom. All right. It's OK. It's all right, Red Bandit. I actually had a lot of fun. Thank you very much.

That was fun. That was incredible. You are having heart attacks right now. Thanks to your showmanship here. It's incredible how cool you're both playing it while I'm watching you both sweat from your noses right now. Man, we got to let this motherfucker stick figure stop talking to us like this.

It is fun. We have an excuse for not being able to do push-ups. Tony only has a push-up 13 pounds and he still probably can't do more than five. Yeah. I mean, hey, we all have things. I mean, David Lucas' arms are only six inches long. So this guy's built like a fucking T-Rex over here

doing push-ups. He only went down three inches each time. Tony, you probably can't even lift the blanket off of you when you go to sleep. That motherfucker got a call for help when he wake up in the morning. Red Band. I'm up.

Come help me. Somebody get me out of this fucking bed. I've seen him struggling to take a Band-Aid off. Oh. Smithers. That's true. That's true. Well, David, I absolutely love you.

Shane's back and he didn't wash his hands like a typical white guy. Is that a white guy thing, Tony? Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Because our dicks are clean. Oh, my God. All right.

We'll be right back after these messages. Wait a minute. Wait, is that another white stereotype I didn't know about? We don't wash our hands and then we go make a casserole? I did not wash my hands. I'll be truthful with you guys. Aren't white guys going for not washing their hands

after they pee? Yes, exactly. You want to know what you guys are known for? Baby Moms. I got to go pee now. I'll be back. That's our biggest sin, not washing our hands? Oh, my God.

David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen, a monster out there doing it, living the dream, comes to Austin all the time. He's our man. On to the next one we go. You guys having fun out there? Yes.

All right. This is a fun name. Put your hands together for fun. This is a fun name. Put your hands together for Festum QB. Festum QB. Wow. All right.

Here comes Festum QB. One more time for Festum QB, everybody. Here he is. Can we all stand up and three-second silence to honor all the cones that got killed by the stupid drivers? If you want to sign up for gay, the line is at the beer pong.

Woo! If you want to get good at this, you have to moister the rim of the cup. So, I'm a truck driver. Go ahead, go ahead. Let him finish. Some people are transgender. And we have a lot in common,

starting from the T, trans, and then we do transport. They transform. And when it comes to restrooms, people treat truck drivers just like transgenders. Nobody lets you use the restroom.

But I actually feel like I have transgendered 100% like... Okay, I'm going to stop you. I'm going to stop you, Festum. You're way over. I'm done, I'm done. I've been fighting.

You got a little bit more? Okay, go ahead, go ahead. Five seconds or five minutes? Okay, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. I have to transport 100% to a woman. Like, you guys don't let me use the restrooms and I have to drive from one state

to another state to take a shit. In English? Festum. Festum QB. That's Festum QB, everybody. That was his time. This is very, very exciting. I'm going to be honest with you, Festum.

Everybody in the room thinks that went terrible. I absolutely loved it. It's okay. Thank you. I got to be honest with you. For a guy, for someone to sign up for this show

after learning English on the way here is absolutely incredible. How long have you been in America? What the fuck are you doing here? 10 years. Really? Yeah. Where are you from?

Are you from Louisiana or what? Are you an operation paperclip? What are you doing? Where are you from? I'm from Kosovo. I'm Albanian from Kosovo. Kosovo. Okay.

And you live with your Kosovian family? No, I live by myself. Really? In Texas? No, in USA. In USA. All right. All right.

10 years. This is still how he responds. Yeah. Because I live in my truck, so I do long hauls. I live in my truck. Oh, my God. You're being serious.

I'm serious. Oh, wow. I live in the USA. That's what it means. I live in the USA. I just drive truck. I never learn anything or do anything. Exactly.

That's true. Wow. Holy shit. Have you ever seen Borat? Yeah. You're going to like it. I love it. One of my...

So were you just dropping something off at HEB and you decided to swing by? Exactly. Absolutely. I love your style. I even wrote down an entire joke of yours, as it happened. All right.

Want to sign up for gay? The line is beer pong. He ain't wrong. It's funny. I saw Tony scribbling feverishly, beer pong. So that's how I sign up. Yes.

That's true. That's what I do. I'm secretly gay, everybody. I've been gay the whole time, but I keep it a big secret and we all laugh about it every week. Yes, not a secret, dude. No, seriously, though.

I am actually gay, everyone. That's fine. I play beer pong all the time. I hope your family accepts you. Festum QB, is that your real name? No. No, I'm sorry. So you escaped Kosovo.

You came by yourself. How did you pull that off? Kosovo is a war-torn region. Am I correct? Yes, in 1992. I survived the war soon. What was it like when you left there? It was good because it happened like 10 years later

when I left Kosovo. You just saw the right and on the wall. Yes. You're like, I gotta get out of here. I got a visa, so... I have a MasterCard. Don't fucking brag, dude. It's gonna stay alive.

Air strike? You can actually read. Festum, Festum, Festum. So you've been driving trucks this whole 10 years? Six years. Six years. And you listen to podcasts? You know where you're at right now?

Yes, of course. Wow. How did this happen? Have you ever done comedy before anywhere? Yeah. I don't want to say like three years, but I did like a year and a half and then COVID and I haven't done it. Where were you doing it before?

Just on your stops? Like on the truck grounds? Yeah, not really. Chicago, New York. Okay. All right. Is there a specific thing that you tend to haul around the country other than a bunch of a gibberish?

Is there like a specific thing that you drive? Like children? Not really. Like whatever they put inside, I don't care. Whatever they put inside. That's how I feel about my gay butthole. Whatever they put inside. Doesn't matter to me.

As long as it's a penis, you know what I mean? As long as you moister. Right. Festum. Wait, what the fuck did he say? Why is everybody laughing? I have no idea. They don't know either.

Did he say that? What was the word you used wrong about? Moisture. Moisture. Yeah, but you used the word wrong about... No, it was moisture. Moisture? Yeah.

If you want the moisture. All right. This is my favorite scene from the movie Midsommar. That's true. So Festum, what's your love life like out there on the road, talking like you do? What's it like out there? You know what I discovered since I started driving truck?

A lot lizard. Yes. Really? No, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. Sex is actually a word. You can write it, you can text it, and you can carve it. Oh, wow.

It is not a verb. That's what I discovered. Did you say you could carve it? Yes. You can carve sex. Sex on the stone. Where I'm from in Kosovo, we carve it in the pieces of wood instead of having it. Yes.

And then we masturbate all over it. What are you talking about? When's the last time you got laid? You get yourself any grade A corn-fed American pussy yet? No, no, no. No? You haven't had sex with an American woman? Of course I have.

Oh, so you have. Okay, it's all very confusing when you don't know American English. So when's the last time you had sex with a woman? Three months ago. Three months ago. Where was that at? With my wife. Oh, my wife.

With my wife? She is number one lot lizard. What does your wife do for work? Festum? Nothing. She does nothing. You just take care of her. You don't allow her to, right?

That's what I'm talking about. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, did you just stab there for a second? What was that? He doesn't. What was that move you just did? He fist bump, so. I'm sorry.

He fist bump. He fist bump, so. So I act like a black guy, dude. So I do a cool dance like a black guy after we do the hand a pound. Wait, why are you doing an Asian accent now? I'm not, you bum. I see once in rap video. Are you a white Muslim?

No, I'm Pagan, so. You're Pagan? Yeah, I believe in many gods. Wow, who would have guessed that? Is that like a witch? I think so. Pagan, yeah. No, no, no, no.

It's just believe in many gods. We watch about the sun and. You play any wacky Kosovian instruments? Not really, nothing. A sitar or anything like that? Nothing. Yeah, that's what they get down in Kosovo. You know this shit.

You guys know any Kosovian music? I'm just tired like holding this shit. Just a hard no. 99 times out of 100, they'll improvise something. All three of them are like, no, no on Kosov. I'm trying to hypnotize this guy, so no, no, it's okay. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

You're doing shit over there. Festum, did someone tell you that, like, what made you want to get into stand-up comedy in the first place? How old are you? 31. Wow, 31. Holy shit. Hey, Kosov, age is a motherfucker. Why?

You see, 10 years at Kosov is seven years in America. Tony, he told you he's a truck driver. Anything would be better than being a truck driver. He was like, oh, I can just talk to people? Let me try that shit out. 31 years old. Do you practice your routine on the CB radio? Like breaker one night, two guys walking to a bar.

You guys need to drive truck, you too, because you would never be in trouble. Like on the CB radio. Oh. The shit that goes on over there. Oh, we can... Holy shit. Smoky in the bush? Holy shit.

That's it, then we found out the secret. We're going to go start our show on CB radio. I love it. Festum, I love it. Does everyone in your family age poorly? Why do you look like your own father right now? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't know.

I don't know, man. Do you have any kids? No, no. I have a seven-year-old. Looks like 32. What do you want? Festum, you're a wild, wild man. I like your style.

A lot of people, they fucking, you know, this, that, different shapes and sizes. You coming out here really barely having any grasp on how to speak the language. It is mind-boggling, your heart and your soul. Actually, I wrote two books, so if you want to buy it. You wrote two books? Yes. Yes. I will buy that book right now if it's on Amazon.

It's an Amazon. I wrote a book called Cat in Hat. Is it? No, just. Can I buy it online? Yeah, you can buy it online. All right. Tell me where to go.

I'll do it right now. My name is Festum Famliorti. Oh shit. Here we go. We are all looking up this book at the same time. Festum, what? Famliorti. You have to spell it.

You son of a bitch. F-A-L. What? How do you spell your last name? F-A. F-A. A. No, no, no.

F-A-L. G-G. F-S. O-T. I do tricks. I do tricks. I do tricks. Hold on.

You're typing it into the wrong device. We need it over here, Festum, you fucking idiot. No, no, no, no. You're just showing Mitch your name. It's not. It's not. He couldn't find it. It's not on Amazon?

It is. Okay. We'll fucking put it in. He doesn't know how to. He doesn't know how to. He doesn't know how to. He doesn't know how to. He doesn't know how to.

He doesn't know how to. He doesn't know how to. He doesn't know how to. He doesn't know how to. He doesn't know how to. He doesn't know how to spell his own name and he wrote a book. I feel so much better about myself right now. Festum.

Festum. Festum, can you hear me? I got it. All right. Which one now? This one is both of them. Jesus fucking Christ. This one right here?

Fucking Christ. It's. Hold on. No. It's $30. No, no. Don't fuck Festum. But, but, but.

Let me say this fucking. But it is. It is. Give me that. It's $4. I'm not going to let you buy a $30 book on my phone. Oh, we're going to look at it right here. Mitch, you fucking idiot.

I'm not going to buy a fucking book. I'm going to buy the one on Kindle because it's only $4. And the secret frequency of love. This is you? That's what you're looking at. Wait. You haven't slept in three months. Hold on.

Hold on. I have like any questions for this guy now. Hold on a second. There are two books. One is for adults. That's lost in American dream. And that one is for children. So.

Wait. When I publish this. The frequency of love is for children? No, no, no. So. How are you so much funnier right now than you were the 11 minutes before this? Wait. Who knows?

Maybe I had some drinks. Like a wacky pedophile. This is for adults. Oh, wow. Wait. Wait. Just a Bosnian truck driver writing kids' love books? Frequency of love.

What the fuck? If you are under 13, I want to get off at your interstate. What? Wow. All right, Festum. You're a wild man, dude. What are you talking about in there? You should read the book.

I'm not going to read your fucking book. Yeah, I can. I bought it. You bought it? I bought it, but I charged it to my sister's Amazon account. Oh, shit. But I bought the one on Kindle. All right, Festum.

We're going to keep it moving. Put the mic back in the mic stand. There he goes. This American Kill Tony debut. Book. Thank you guys. Festum QB. Shen Kui.

All right. I'm going to read the book. Festum QB. Shen Kui. All right. It's not easy to do this, people. How many of you remember Brianna from earlier, huh? Not easy.

Not easy to do, even if you speak English. Your next comedian goes by the name of Israel Garcia, everyone. Here we go. Israel Garcia. What up? What up, guys? Hey, my favorite restaurant to go to is the Olive Garden. You know, the only problem they have with the Olive Garden is, like, why are they so stingy

with the fucking cheese? Like, you can't serve your own cheese at the Olive Garden, you know? They got everything else at the Olive Garden. They got unlimited salad. They'll stuff your face with that. She's like, hi, guys. Welcome to the Olive Garden. You get all the cheese you want at the Olive Garden.

But as soon as you ask for some cheese, they're like, whoa, it's still down there, buddy. Let's get one some more cheese. Like, it's Olive Garden, sir, okay? It's Olive Garden cheese, not government cheese, all right? We don't just pass that shit around. And then when they do give you cheese, like, what do they do? They bust up this fucking contraption. Like, from the 18th century, they got to crank it to get the fucking cheese out.

And that sucks because I like a lot of cheese on my food, you know? But I start feeling bad for the 60-pound waitress that can't crank for shit. You know? You're like, hi, can I have some cheese? Like, yes, sir. Don't worry about it. Contrasting here and stuff that up where it's like, no. Don't worry about it.

But you just don't, don't, don't worry about it. What's this? You tell me when, sir. You tell me. I'm like, bitch, keep going. You're not done. Okay, you tell me. Anyway, guys, thank you.

It's real, guys. Yeah, everybody. Really fun. Made us all miss the guy that can't speak English. Yeah. Pretty incredible. Israel, how long have you been doing stand up? About 15 years.

No. Yeah. You know what? That's my fucking closer, guys. That's about. No, it's not. Shitty as it gets. Yeah.

Come on, Israel. Yeah, I know it really has 15 years. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. Where have you been doing this for 15 years? All over the fucking country, dude. It's pretty intense, yeah. Really?

Yeah, I just did the creek and the cave. Has anyone ever told you to slow down? Well, yeah. Well, I only had a minute, so I fucking freaked out. You know what I mean? Here, like, out. There you go. Israel, what's your story?

How old are you? I'm 34. 34 years old. Yeah. What do you do for work? I'm a stand up comedian. I do that fucking. All right.

What do you mean? No. I try to do it for a living, man. I don't know. How do you do this for a living, man? I just fucking do it. I tour with a guy named John Polar Bear. He's from Austin, Texas.

He's actually from here, so. Have you guys ever heard of John Polar Bear before? Yeah. Yeah, John Polar Bear. Make some noise if you've heard of John Polar Bear, who he opens for. Don't let these guys trash your dreams, dude. Yeah.

I've been to Olive Garden, and they are a little stingy with the cheese. Thank you, Shane. Yes. You got something working here. Tony, I can't believe I'm thinking about getting a regular job while this guy's out here just touring the country.

Yeah. What are you doing? I don't know. I don't know. I'm from El Paso, Texas, so I moved over here. Yeah, so. OK. So maybe I have, like, Mexican, you know,

like, we got to give them a job, you know, so. Wow. Is your comedy better in Spanish? It could be. I mean, it, you know. Ah, no, mom is way. I wait, but you went away. What the hell are you looking at?

Israel up here, up here, up here. Uh, so you've been doing this, and you make enough money to survive? Yeah, yeah, pretty good, man. How? Uh, how? Unlimited. Bracics, man.

What kind of, what kind of place you live in? How often does John Polar Bear, like, or whatever, put you to work? Like, is that a four? We're on tour, like, all the time. Yeah, yeah. How long you been touring with him? Uh, maybe, like, the last two years.

OK. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. And you guys go all around America. Yeah. And you do stuff like that. Yeah. Dude, I just, I have some other material, you know,

which also could be kind of good, but... All right. Yeah, I appreciate it. All right, Israel. And you live here in Austin. This is your main hub? No, I mean, I'm from San Antonio, so it's, like, real close.

So I just come out here and shit, yeah. Wow. OK. You have, like, a short joke? You have, like, one, 15 years. I'd imagine that you have, like, one short joke, like, less than 20 seconds that would blow all of our minds.

And we'd be like, now I get it. I mean, I really don't, but I got a really fucked up one that I don't know if you guys want to hear. But it sounds long. Yeah, I just have a long set up and stuff like that. You know, I'm really... Have you ever thought about perhaps trimming the size of these set ups?

No, I don't know. This is my first time coming out here, so it's... I mean, I'll be like, holy shit. A lot of people that I don't have... I don't have a fucking story, dude. I'm not a fucking Russian truck driver, dude. I'm just a fucking...

I'm from El Paso, dude. I'm a Mexican and I come into stand-up. Yeah, but the fucking Kosovo truck driver, they didn't speak English. They still knew how to condense it a little bit. Yeah. Word economy. You gotta trim the fat.

Yeah, definitely. What do you do for fun? What else about you other than stand-up comedy 15 years? Well, I like fucking... I like doing a lot of shit, man. I like to get fucked up. I like to drink. You know what I mean?

I like fucking... That's about it. Dude, I like drinking and watching stand-up comedy pretty much, honestly. Very, very interesting. That's what I do. What's the most fucked up you ever got? What is this mistake you ever made?

Do you ever get arrested? I fucked a really fat girl one time. She was super ugly and fat. You know what I mean? But it was cool because she had a parrot. You know what I mean? Tentu. But then I woke up and it was like a pterodactyl dude.

So it was pretty... That's one of your bits, isn't it? That's one of your bits. Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Israel. You're the only Israel I've ever known that wish got blown up.

Israel. I could have said that better. I could have even made my setups clunky. Shit's airborne out here. Oh, yeah, dude. The social distance from your setups, dude. Yeah, man. I appreciate it, dude.

Hey, what's your backup plan? I don't really have one, dude. I really don't. It's just stand-up all the way down. No, we could tell. If you had a backup plan, you would have done it by now. 15 years.

All right, all right, all right. Very good. A lot of... Yeah. On a serious note, I am moving to Wichita Falls, Texas. So if you and Polar Bear need a host sometime... Yeah, man.

Right on, dude. Let me know, dude. I'll come out with you. What the fuck? Fuck. All right. There he goes. Israel Garcia, everybody.

Literally. Israel. Take one of those. Take one of those. Israel. Fucking take your joke book, you son of a bitch. Here you go. It's coming right at you.

Wow. That's the business for you people. Somehow that was more depressing than that guy's dad. Yeah. It really was. Yikes. To think that guy's dad hasn't killed himself. It's really, really sad.

Should we go to the bucket one more time? What do you guys think, huh? All right. Shannon D. Sims, everyone. Shannon D. Sims is the next on Kill Tony. This one's deep. Here we go. Make some noise for Shannon Sims, everyone.

I can't believe you all had two autistic people up here in a row. What are the odds? Do you guys have that family member you can't stand, anybody? Yeah. Makes you drink any time they come in the room. Mine's just my four-year-old niece. I just can't stand that bitch. We get into it at Family Functions.

She's like, my favorite color is red, and I'm like, my favorite color is blue. And she's just like, your color is stupid. And I'm like, I'll put on subtitles on SpongeBob, bitch. I will end you. Like, turn off the sound. I'm God. But no, last time we had a family function, she was having a little play date. And they are arguing over who is going to be the red ranger.

I was like, I'll be the red ranger. It's fine. And sadly, she was like mid-power-up. So she was like, you cannot be the red ranger because you are bald. And I don't know if you've guys ever been dissed by a voguing four-year-old, but it hits different. Families laughing and shit. And I was just like, if only we had the money for that abortion.

I'm kidding. I told her she was adopted. Come on. That's it. That's all I got. Shannon Sims, everyone. Shannon Dee Sims. Shannon, welcome to the show.

This is your first time joining us, correct? That is true. Absolutely. How long have you been on stand-up? About three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin? Yes, sir.

All right. What do you do for work? I work with children. Jesus Christ. You literally could have said that any other way and it would have been less creepy than how you did it. I work with them. How do you say children?

The finest pussy. The most gorgeous children in the world. My little baby beauties. The most beautiful little things. It's too bad there's not a rainbow ranger. I think you could have nailed that one. Yeah. There you go.

Put it on, Brian. Thank you. Shannon Dee Sims. What do you exactly do you do with children? I work with special needs kids. Wow. So there's special needs children. That's like twice the trouble.

Children and special needs. What do you do? Like you teach them? Like how does that work? What do you do? For the most part, I just assist them in class. Like keep them focused. All right.

Is there anything especially you have to do? You have to like tap them on their helmets or something like that? Hey, keep paying attention. I mean, you would be surprised how often I have to say. Thank you, Michael Gonzalez, for the sound of tapping on a helmet. One more time for you. I would like to point out that some woman got real wet back there when he was like, I just help them with everything they need.

I get it, dude. This guy, he's got a fucking nose ring, earring, help special needs kids. It's kind of hot. You could type a lens to that. Kind of hot. It's a comedy, but kind of hot. Probably too hot for counting. Yeah.

That's why you stink. Do you ever take it? I wish I was as ugly as you. It helps. It helps tremendous. I probably would be on tour with this other guy. What is that accent? White.

If you look around the room, I have to adjust. No, you sound like Black Panther. He does. He does. T'Challa? Yeah, you sound like T'Challa. We don't all look alike. I don't even know what the fuck you guys are talking about anymore down here.

So, Shannon, what's something interesting about your life? Tell us about you personally. Single belong to the streets for the most part. What does that mean exactly? I don't believe that. What do you mean by belong to the streets? If they call, I answer violently usually. What do you mean by that?

He's going to keep saying, what do you mean by that until I get to something? Just, you know, like if a girl calls, I'm coming. That's why I'm not good at Santa. Are you a pimp? No. Well, what does if a girl calls, I'm coming? I mean... That was good.

Hell yeah. I don't know. Are you like a, what some would call a player? Yeah, something like that. Okay. The whitest version of that, yeah. Okay, so you have a bunch of girls that call? Not near, no.

It's the whitest version, not a lot of them call. That's the problem. It's the light version, not the dark version. All right. Okay, that's cool. What else, what do you do for fun? You dress like a lesbian, that's exciting, very rarely. Very few people of all the things to take from a lesbian,

their style is an interesting pick. This is my grandma's blouse and I just cut it and put some. Absolutely. I love it. No, something interesting. I used to mel dance for a period of time. What does that mean exactly? Like strip?

Yeah, something like that. Oh wow, look at that. I want to see it. How many of you think we should get a little taste of what Shannon Sims used to do? I don't do that. I work with children. Yeah. Go right ahead.

Put the mic in the. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Oh my God. Incredible icon tech we're seeing here. Wow. Wow, this shit is going down. Wow.

Just slapped him. The eye contact from Shannon Sims is powerful. Mitch Burrow just went on kill Tony the ride. Testing that out for amusement parks around the country right now. That is one of the top three lap dances I've ever got from a man. Wow. I do want to point out that he grabbed my right leg and he lived it up and he was like, yep, not going to get the other one.

Felt the strain. You were shaking. Absolutely incredible. I did not see that playing out that way whatsoever. I did not either. I am soaking wet right now. Hell yeah. That's what he does.

I mean, that's a move. You poured your beer on Mitch. Like, Mitch could have got really pissed off and just like grabbed you and fucked you in the ass. He was really disrespectful, but I am so hard right now. It's so true. It's going to be hard to explain that one to your friends. Like, well, yeah, one of the people pulled out of the bucket poured a beer on one of the guests. Like, oh my God, then what happened?

Well, they almost fucked. Don't say almost just yet. There's still some show left. Yeah, that's true. And Hans Kim has taught us there is a broom closet here at Vulcan Gas Company. All right. Shannon, amazing performance. Way to get the crowd all riled up.

Shannon. How did Shannon do? He gets a big one for doing that. Shannon, there you go. You earned it, dude. Take the big. Oh, there you go. Wow.

Incredible. Sorry. It just looks like I threw a fucking book at Shannon. What do you think this is going to be? I don't know. I didn't ask for it. I just these fucking red band hands me shit. Oh, thank God.

I got this towel. It's where your forehead to be like, Lord have mercy. What do you want, D? What do you want? I'll get you something. Crown Royal and Coca-Cola for D Madness, everybody. I heard it's OK. All right.

D Madness? Yeah, that's a D Madness back there. I've been talking about when I used to have a drink. Yeah. Tortured. D Madness. D Blindness. Yes, he's blind Shane.

Is he blind? D Blindness would be a more appropriate. I apologize. I apologize. It's crazy how he turns his head directly at you when he responds to you. Like he knows exactly where you are somehow. Like a bat with sonar. Hey, Tony.

Because of Shane's last appearance on this show, I told myself I'm going to drink more Bud Light than Shane does. Yeah, how's it going? Yeah, I fucked up. Yeah, dude. You almost got butt fucked three minutes ago, dude. Trying to keep up with the bull over here. I'll get you in trouble.

Pretty push-ups. The black guy fucked you. It's not going great. I'm living the American dream. Oh. Woo! Hell yeah. Mitch Burrow out here trying to run with the bull Shane Gillis.

That'll get you in trouble every time. All right. You guys ready to put a big ribbon on this episode or what, huh? This is our final regular of the night. Every single week he debuts a brand new minute of stand-up comedy. He's an absolute fucking monster. The longest standing regular in the history of the show. He opened for me all weekend here.

He opens for Joe Rogan. He's a freak. It's the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Here we go. The vanilla gorilla. This is William Montgomery. Remember that movie where Mickey Mouse of the NYPD is visiting his estranged wife, Minnie Mouse, and they go to the Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles for a Christmas party,

but many and several others get taken hostage by German terrorists? It's hard to believe Mickey was cast for that role. I thought that was going to go better. Excited to announce I'm guest hosting Murphy Brown next week. Hunter Biden was apparently moved to tears when he saw the Afghani buildings burning on TV to which he replied, wait, burning buildings. I thought they were burning the poppy fields. It's weird.

Y'all are going to like this one. This is a funny one coming up. It's weird you don't hear much from Tinkerbell anymore, or as the tabloids call her, Wrinklebell. Oh, God. I got way too fucking high before this. I do have great news, Tony. The show from last week we got engaged.

Oh, wow. We're engaged. That's incredible. People love Miss Amy Oh. She's wild. She brought a whole bag of tricks last week. She did. Yeah, we went back to her apartment after the show.

We started kissing. I asked for her hand in marriage. She said yes. So we're pretty excited. I think next October we're getting married. Wow. Next October. Ooh, la la.

Did you guys hook up at all? What did you do? Sometimes we will lick each other. Yeah, lick each other on our stomachs. We do that some. Is Amy here? We can actually do that up there. I'm kidding.

She's right over there. I was kind of kidding. Bring her up. Hey, William. Miss Amy Oh is a wild one. If she comes up here, there's like no getting that microphone back, William. Where are you, Amy?

Oh, hello, Amy. Hold on. What is she doing? Here she comes, everybody. She's half invited. No, no, no. Oh, my gosh. How are you?

Here you go. Stop it, Red Band. Red Band, stop it. Miss Amy Oh, how are you? I guess. Wait, don't hand her the microphone. William, you have to do it like Joe Rogan does it with fighters after they fight.

You have to hold the microphone in front of her face. She's a wild one, dude. She'll fucking jump off the stage with that. Well, it was fun. We got married. Miss Amy Oh, is this true? Are you marrying William Montgomery? What's the charge of a leg of me, Amy?

Hold on. That's not what we agreed you would say on here. Amy, we ain't playing this shit out earlier. We had planned for something else. Why'd you just mess that up already? It was going to be hilarious. Why did you? What type of whistle do you have there, Amy?

What is that in your hand? What type of weapon is that? This is an instrument that I used to use to teach children. How to what? Hand jubes? Now, Miss Amy Oh, you famously made your Kill Tony debut. I believe it was four weeks ago. You were on once and then you were on last week.

Both were absolutely so crazy that you've become like a pop culture reference here on the show. Your first time was in front of Shane Gillis here. You remember that? Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania? What? She's basically female Donald Trump.

Pennsylvania. Yes, Pennsylvania. Great state. I remember it well. Pennsylvania. I love Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania loves me. Wow.

If you view her in that context, it's pretty fun. Yeah. Shane, you're going to have to stop. This turned into a mistake. See what's supposed to come up here in the mess with you like that? This seriously has turned into a mistake of some sort. What did you just say about her? Defending his woman.

Seriously, what did you just say? I don't know if I heard that correctly. He's very defensive of his woman. I apologize. Okay, thank you. William, you think you're going to, uh, William, have you thought about perhaps, uh, getting her pregnant, making a sweet little missy?

She is pregnant. Oh, wow. Wow. This is just weird on every level, everybody. How? William, William's doing what we call taking chances tonight. Hell yeah. Miss Amio, uh, four weeks ago on the show,

you said that you were sober. Is that correct? Are you sober? No. No. More or less. We were doing a bunch of blow at her place last night. Seriously.

We did a bunch in there. I don't know how she had so much. She has money coming in from somewhere. Seriously. It was a serious bag we were doing last night. Is, is that true? Oh my God. Miss Amio, is that true?

Do you do a lot of cocaine? I, I like to keep secrets. Oh, you gave me the mic. You weren't supposed to give me the mic. Come on. We're not doing this. We're not doing this up here. By the way.

I swear to God. I mean, we already talked about that. Told you. But, but do you know what happened since last week, Tony? No, what happened since last week? The security had to check my purse because they thought I had a gun. Right. Because you said you had a gun.

You said you were going to pull out a gun. They didn't listen. They didn't listen. I said I had felony legal guns. These guns. I told you not to say that one. That was not a good one. Jesus.

And like most old guns, I'm guessing they don't work anymore. Hell yeah. Look at those Winchester's she has, everybody. Those guns were used in the, those are muskets, everyone. Tony, you're going to have to stop. Seriously, you're going to have to stop. This was a mistake bringing you up here. This was a horrible mistake.

You don't like that I'm making fun of your ladies old guns? Not really. Wow. I love how defensive of her you get. William. He was working on his gun. He told me. Fuck it.

Stop. Stop. I told you not to fucking touch me up here. We talked about it last night. It was a time. What is that tattoo on your, on your chest there? Is that a Darth Vader? What is that?

It used to be the Alcoholics Anonymous Symbol. Wow. The Alcoholics Anonymous Symbol. And I had him fix it into a dream catcher. Wow. Look at that. Still live by the principles though. Oh my goodness.

William, when you're making love to her and you see that former AA symbol turn dream catcher, what is, fuck. It is right in my face. I honestly thought it was a swastika. Seriously, I saw it as a swastika. I didn't realize it was a dream. That's a fucking dream catcher. You lied to me about that.

Why is this all coming out now? I'm going to keep you two up here for another 45 minutes. This is great. It's just comedy greatness. I don't want to disrespect anybody, but can I, I'm just going to go to the bathroom for a second. You could have just gone instead of making it all sad, Mitch. Yeah, this is just like uncomfortable.

I don't know. William. I just got to pee. What are you fucking talking about, Mitch? Mitch, go pee. Mitch still has to jerk off since his lap dance, everybody. He's got, he's got blue balls right now. William.

Yeah. What, what is your guys' favorite sexual position? What would you say? The one where you're both standing up. Oh. Wait, you hold her up. Oh, yeah. What type of noises?

Yeah, it's more of a walk around with her. What type of noises do you make during sexual therapy? Ooh. Oh. Like, wow. It's not her. This guy, this guy fucks like an owl, everybody. Absolutely incredible.

Ooh. William. Ooh. And how about, how about you, Miss Amio? Miss Amio. Miss Amio. What kind of noises do you make in the bedroom? During sexual intercourse.

That was my nickname, by the way, Cricket. The way I rub my legs together. Yeah. Oh my God. How did you, how the fuck, how did you make that cricket noise like that? That was incredible. Wait, William, put, William, put the mic. Oh, oh, okay.

Well, there you go. There goes, there goes all. I will say this. Look, I think glossed, like, we glossed over it a little bit, but turning the AA tattoo into a dream catcher, like, you had to sit down and be like, nah. Just sit down in a tattoo artist, you know. He's like, nah, never mind.

Nah, I'm going to get fucked up. Yeah. Were you fucked up when you decided to do that? Was it the same tattoo guy? Actually, it was the $100 the state gave me when I made parole. I got, I got three tattoos. Well, I, I had a boyfriend. You didn't tell me you had been in fucking jail and you had a boyfriend.

What are you talking about? Yes, I have been listening. You didn't tell me that shit. You were in jail? I was in jail and in prison. Wow. This is an incredible two man show you guys have over there. Were you in jail and in prison for two different reasons

or did the jail lead to the prison? Yes, Mitch. And then you pulled chain, you know what? Mitch. Anyone here pulled chain in this room? That is, that is the thing over when, when, when, no, when your number comes up and you get sent to TTC. What do you mean to me for you fucking bat?

Yeah. Hold on, Shane, you're going to have to fucking stop. Don't. He called you an old bat. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Why didn't you call her? Seriously, why'd you call her?

Put the mask in a bag. Put the mask in a bag. Get away. No, don't grab anything. William, pull her back a little bit. Shane is just doing a call back to the vampire stuff from earlier. I've been really supportive of you. I was able to see the very clear former AA details of that tattoo.

She got so close to us up here. She got so close to us, I almost fell asleep under her dream catcher. Miss Amy. Oh, this is wild. You're like magenta is the new black or something like that. William. William. Yeah.

I met your mom. I didn't since you had any real issues there. What happened? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think we really understand each other. Yeah. I mean, it's a pretty strong connection. It's been.

Redmond, why would you fucking do that? I'm being dead. Seriously. Why would you do that? That's the noise you make when you're having sex. You make the noises of an owl. Let the guy put the microphone in the front. Yeah.

And then what happened? You watched him on Saturday. I watched him perform and I thought he was cheating on me. So I was hiding over there, you know. God, Amy, why would you fucking say that? I think we went over that. Did you hear what happened now? It's awkward as shit.

Now I'm really rethinking bringing you up here. This is turning into a horrible fucking mistake. I thought it was going to be so funny. Now I'm starting to have regrets. Miss Samuel, Miss Samuel, any parting words that you want to say to this audience here tonight? You didn't get on stage tonight. You're trying to take the microphone.

I'm not trying to take anything but my fucking hard-earned goddamn moment on the stage. He invited me up here. Yeah. Shane has a question. Miss Samuel, what are your thoughts on the Black Lives Matter movement? Shane, I have experience.

I brought two black men onto this earth. What the fuck does that mean? Why am I just hearing that right now? Seriously, what does that mean? Oh, my God. What the fuck does that mean they're going to watch us? Is that a threat? William.

Is that a fucking threat? Seriously, what's going on? I think, technically, the math just means she only brought one black man onto this earth. William, you didn't know that she has black children? No, she had never told me that. And I specifically asked, you have black children? And she said, fucking no.

Wow. I specifically fucking asked you that. She said, no, they're white. Don't worry. And I was like, what? That sounds kind of weird. Well, how do you feel about that? How do you feel moving forward?

It seems like there's a real spark in your eyes. When you look at her and you look back at us, it seems like, oh, my God, look at that. Yeah, it's your dream girl, a transgender T-to-war T's over here. Tony, that was too much. That was too much. That was kind of me.

Amy, why is he doing this? Look at my girl. Seriously, that was a little too much. That's right. Absolutely. That's it. Tell him, all right, well, it was so nice to see you. There they go.

He's going to see her later, everybody. Yeah, she's going to kill you. There you go. Tony, I honestly, I apologize. I feel like that turned into a horrible fucking mistake. I apologize for bringing her up. No, that was very, very interesting. Without a doubt.

You should probably start drinking again, William. What the fuck does that mean? I should probably start drinking again. You should probably get back on the raisin bread, though. It seems like your life was a little bit better when you were addicted to raisin bread. It was a lot better. I was eating it every fucking day.

I literally, I haven't eaten a piece of raisin bread in a week. After the sponsorship, do you lean down? William's going to get his raisin bread tattoo, turn into a Miss Aimee-oh type. All right, William, so much fun as always. Another brand new minute. Thank you so much. Guys, we did it again.

That's another episode of Kill Tony. How about a hand for my... There you go. How about a hand for my friend William Montgomery, everybody? And guys, how about a hand for my guests, Shane Gillis and Mitch Burrow, everyone. Check out Shane Gillis' new special on YouTube, entitled Live in Austin.

And check out Mitch. He's everywhere. He's at the comedy store. He's about to move to Wichita Falls, Texas. He's moving to Texas. If you need an airplane work done, I can do it. He's making airplanes. Very rarely do we have a retiring young comedian as a guest.

I am the least up-and-coming comedian in the business right now. But thank you guys so much. I'm so glad to have you here. How about a hand for the band, everybody? The screwball peanut butter whiskey band. Screwball peanut butter whiskey is the best. Matt Mueling on guitar. D-Madness on the bass.

Michael Gonzalez on drums. And how about it? It's his first time ever on the show. Make some noise for Dalton, everybody. Thanks for coming, Dalton. Here's our drawing from Ryan Jebel. Absolutely incredible. Check that out.

I mean, absolutely. The guy keeps drawing me skinny and it's very funny. It's a compliment. He keeps drawing me like I'm not fat. And I couldn't even find myself. Wait a second. I look black. Ryan?

I look like a black guy. All right. We'll be right back after these messages. Thank you guys. Thank you guys so much, Austin, Texas. We love you guys. Thank you. Thank you.

Good night. Thank you. All right. Thank you. Thank you.