KILL TONY - #526 - JOE ROGAN + BERT KREISCHER + DOM IRERRA

Episode Date: October 9, 2021

Joe Rogan, Bert Kreischer, Dom Irerra, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/27/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shop Squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at Shop Squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Come on, baby, Austin, Texas. You guys ready to do this shit tonight?

Yowses, that's the sound of the start of the number one live podcast in the world. We're all here together right now. How exciting, Brian, right? Dance here. What's up? Hell, yeah. Guys, how about a hand for the fucking band? The Kill Tony band.

Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, the official sponsor of the Kill Tony band. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on drums, everybody. Matt Mueling on guitar. We got the great Dee Madness here tonight on bass, everybody. Ooh, listen to those. Those are real Dee chants. That's a new thing. Dee.

And also the return of the great John Dees, everybody. Fresh off a tour with Gary Clark Jr. and himself doing all the biggest venues in the world. It's so cool. Welcome back, my friend. And we have joke books made by the Great Bones Eye, an amazing local artist here. He hand-makes leather joke books. The show, of course, brought to you by how about a hand for the yellow rose and the red rose, everybody. I mean, just the absolute best strip clubs in the world.

The coolest people. Cody running around on the show sometimes. Cody's a Kill Tony celebrity now. The real deal. We'll see how many times... Maybe we'll see how many times somebody can lift up Cody here tonight. How many of you... How many of you like a good midget lift, huh?

Yeah! These people love you, Cody. They love you. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you right now. Hey, y'all. Have you ever browsed in incognito mode? It's probably not as incognito as you think. And why would it be?

Incognito mode, like the rest of the Chrome browser itself, is a Google product. And Google has made its fortune by tracking your movements online. There's even a $5 billion class action lawsuit against the company in California, where it's accused of secretly collecting user data. Google's defense, incognito mode, doesn't mean invisible. So how do you actually make yourself as invisible as possible online? You use ExpressVPN, like I do, and like Red Band does. Red Band, you're more tech savvy than me.

You know all about it. Tell us. Oh, I have it on all my computers. I have to. It turns out that even in incognito mode, your online activity still gets tracked. And data brokers still get to buy and sell your data. One of these data points is your IP address. Data harvesters use your IP to uniquely identify you and your location.

But with ExpressVPN, your connection gets rerouted through an encrypted server, and your IP address is masked. Every time you connect to ExpressVPN, you get a random IP address shared by many other ExpressVPN customers. So they don't know who it is. There could be a million people using the same IP address. That's perfect. Best of all, ExpressVPN is super easy to use. It's just pretty much click on, click off.

And you can put it on your phone, laptop, smart TV, just one button for instant protection. Look, we all know Red Band and I are into creepy shit on the internet, dude. Let's face it. When we go to porn sites, we ain't looking up fucking missionary position. We're using ExpressVPN and making sure you never find out what we're into. So if you really want to go to incognito and protect your privacy, and yourself with the number one rated VPN, please visit expressvpn.com slash kill Tony and get three extra months for free.

That's expresvpn.com slash kill Tony. Go to expressvpn.com slash kill Tony to learn more. Don't let them find out about your feet fetish. Yeah, my feet fetish. Hey, y'all. Three Chee is the industry leader in Delta 8 THC products. All products are formulated by a biochemist and made in the USA with USA grown hemp. Three Chees Delta 8 is a federally legal version of THC and is a more functional alternative to marijuana.

It gives an amazing buzz and a great body feel, but with a clear head and less anxiety and paranoia. It's available at threechee.com. That's the number three CHI.com and it retailers around the country. Remember, this is not CBD. It is psychoactive and will give you a buzz. So please use responsibly. Red Band, you are the three Chee Meister of the two of us. I'm going to be honest.

I'm a little bit old school. I prefer the illegal marijuana. It gets me excited to know that I'm committing a slight misdemeanor, but you love this three Chee stuff. Tell us about it. You know, they keep sending it to me, Tony. I just got a new box and they have, you know, they have some of their most amazing products. They have these things that are just like Skittles, you know, the candy and they also have root beer taffy. They just sent me the other day, I had two root beer taffies and a little handful of Skittles.

I forgot to look to see how strong they were. I was tripping my ass off for about five hours, but it works. I'm looking at your ass right now. It doesn't look like you tripped any of it off. It works though. And that's the number one thing people always ask me. Does that, you know, three Chee work? It does.

And they have cookies, crispy treats, brownies. And if you go to three Chee, that's the number three CHI.com. You could shop for your Delta eight edibles, vapes, tinctures, gummies and oils. And if you use the coupon code kill Tony, you receive 5% off your order. This stuff works people. We've been sharing it with some of the crew and staff here at Vulcan and they love it. A couple of the guys can't even fucking pay attention to their simple jobs. That's how crazy this shit is.

Go to three Chee.com. That's the number three CHI.com. Use the code kill Tony at checkout. Receive 5% off your order. Must be 21 to purchase. Hey, y'all, I absolutely fucking love my Ridge wallet. You, if you guys don't have one, you should definitely get one. This show is brought to you by Ridge wallet.

And if you don't know Ridge wallet is a light, sleek and industrial metallic wallet. It's strong. It's sturdy. It's built like a goddamn brick and it's sleek and cool. And you can keep all your credit cards and all your cash in it. Red Band, you have a Ridge wallet. Oh, yes. I love it.

And I'm never going back to a regular clunky wallet. Man, I used to have one of those big wallets that was the size of a big Mac. And I've tried to eat it a few times. Yay. You can't eat that. Don't you eat your wallet, Red Band? I tried. I can't.

Especially the Ridge wallet. It broke all my teeth. But now I have this really sleek, awesome wallet. I keep it in my front pocket now. I really took out all the garbage that was in my wallet, like old business cards and Subway coupons and crap. And now it's sexy and smooth. I even gave one to my girlfriend and she loves it.

Girls love the Ridge wallet. Girls love Ridge wallets. Boys love Ridge wallets. Get 10% off today with free worldwide shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash kill Tony. That's ridge.com slash kill Tony. And use the code kill Tony. Get a Ridge wallet. Don't be an idiot.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? All right. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest is literally, without any doubt, the greatest guest in the history of the show. He's been on this show more than any other guest ever in the history of the show. I present to you one of the greatest comedians of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Dom Iraira. The return of the great Dom Iraira.

Holy shit. It has been years. This guy, literally the record holder all time. How Austin, can you give my friend Dom Iraira a real fucking Texas welcome right now? Thank you. We're going to have so much fun. Dom, literally my fucking brother from another mother or my daddy from another baddie or something like that.

I don't know what we have going on. It's good to see that I still draw here. I appreciate it. I love it. Of course, it's a rough week. We lost another one of our greats. How about a moment of silence for the great R. Kelly, everybody. Sentenced to basically life in prison today.

I mean, really, you know, I just don't know. First, they try to make us wear masks, then they make us want to get the vaccine. Now you're telling me I can't tie an underage girl up to a radiator and piss and shit on her? You know what I mean? Is this the America? All right. Oh, we're having fun here already. Just checking your barometer for how far we can go here tonight.

That's a little temp check. It's like when the doctor puts a little thermometer in your butthole and all right. The great Ryan J. E. Bell drawing tonight's episode all the way from Los Angeles. You guys know how it works. A bunch of comedians signed up before the show for a chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage in front of a sold out crowd and fucking one of the greatest comedians of all time. They get pulled out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then we talk to them afterwards about their life and find out more about them and interview them. You guys ready to start this Mamajama or what? This is it. You are here in Austin, Texas for Kill Tony live with Dom Ira. Normally I'd pull a name out of the bucket to start things off.

But as you remember Dom, we have regulars on the show. We have a few guys that we always give a minute to. They all moved here and we have a brand new regular who we got here in Austin just a few months ago. He's going to go up first tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Austin comedian new minute every week. The great Hans Kim everybody. Here he is. What's up guys?

I think it's funny that people in my generation are such narcissists that if they're not a seven or above they'll chop their dick off and change their gender. Just be a four and learn how to play chess. Stop playing with your genitals, invent something. Abortion is sort of legal in Texas which I think is the wrong way to do it. Because if you only make abortion for people who have money and know how to plan you're only going to abort the best babies. You got to get them all.

Can't just let the weeds grow. Thank you very much. Wow, another, he just does it every time. Not easy to do a brand new minute every week. Not easy to always get the show started with a bang but somehow you do it. Thank you so much. That was a risky one. I'm not going to lie.

Wow, how cool. What's been going on Hans? What have you been up to? That was fucking fantastic. I just shot a short film in San Diego. This guy flew me out there to do like two lines. Wow. What is it?

The sequel to Shang-Chi? Is that the name of the movie? Am I allowed to make that joke anymore? Nope. Oh, okay. No, I'm not. Okay, go back. Back to you, Hans.

The yellow panda. I don't know what that means and that was Hans, not me that said it. I got drunk. I partied with the local comics. I shot a little sketch with them. I didn't get laid but you know, it's fine. I saw a video on Instagram of you shooting a cockroach off a wall last week. What type of places are you hanging out at where you're shooting salt bullets at cockroaches?

Texas. Austin, Texas, baby. We grow them big here. I'm not from here. I'm from Seattle. Dom, this is your first time seeing the great Hans Kim. He's a new regular here. He's killed every single week that he's been on the show.

What do you think about this young man? I think he's got a long way to go, really. I like his earlier stuff better. He seems to have gotten bitter. Good job, man. Thank you. Thank you so much. Incredible stuff.

Hans, how's your love life going? Everyone wants to know, has Hans been getting his dick wet? The world wants to know. I'm back with Paige again. Oh, this girl that you keep going on and off with this girl, Paige, in between wild adventures. Yeah, she's not sure about me. I think that I'm not emotionally mature enough for her. She was actually mad at you because you called her a six earlier on the show.

Yeah, I did. I called her a six one of those episodes, but it motivated her. I called her a six and then she came down and made out with strippers and tried to prove that she wasn't a six. If I would have called her an eight, she probably would have stayed in the balcony the whole time. That's the first night we had sex. Wow, there you go. God damn it, if I have to call a girl a six for my boy to get laid,

then God damn it, all I see is six is out here. It's my new pickup line. I use on girls at bars. Just kidding. I love it. So you and Paige have sex. Now that you guys are back together, as you say, that's what's happening. Yes.

And you use a condom. What are some fun facts about Hans during sex? We use condoms. We use a lot of lube. We don't lube shame. Lube is used freely. Wow, hell yeah. So you're not really getting your dick wet at all.

Really just lubing it up. I guess it's water based than perhaps I guess you are. Are you just too big for her or she's just not getting wet with you? I don't think he wants to admit the truth on this one. Well, I think it's like if we turn the fan on, then her pussy gets dry faster. It's variables. Close the window. I want to make love.

Maybe the fact that we're always fucking in a van doesn't help either. Right. Right. Fucking in a van dries it out quick. That's the way to do it. It's like putting a phone in a bowl of rice. That's what it is. You put a pussy in a van.

I hope to bring it back from the dead. You could just hope for the best. What else Hans? What else is going on in your wacky world, huh? I did shows, been getting booked, just hitting the mics hard. Madhouse in San Diego I was in. I did a little pool gathering. I messaged people who are kill Tony fans and I met two kill Tony fans in San Diego.

We found out last week Dom that Hans is a virtuoso on the electric guitar. However, he really sings like a fucking train wreck. Hans, will you give us another? Can you guys play? What do you know how to sing? Maybe the band will play you something. You guys have to hear how horrible he said it's incredible. I'm pretty good at Wonderwall.

How many of you want to hear some Wonderwall right now? Welcome to Tony's wacky karaoke bar. Singing first tonight, it's Hans Kim. Go right into it, Hans. They'll catch up to you. The whole intro. I always thought this song was a slow burn. Some day I'm gonna be tired and better, but I'm bound to be you.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. I regret even doing it. Clearly you've been practicing so much better. Guys, you've got the show started for us. How about a hand for Hans Kim, everybody? Let's keep it moving along. Yeah. All right.

To the bucket we go. Let's meet a stranger. Fun fact, I looked up Best of Dom I Rara just to see if there was like a video, Best of Dom I Rara on Kill Tony. And I looked it up today. I found one. Literally the name of the video, Best of Dom I Rara on Kill Tony. It's an hour and 15 minutes long of continuous like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Crazy, right? I didn't get to tell you that earlier. Your first comedian, Trevor Tatone, everyone. Trevor Tatone. Here he is everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Trevor Tatone. My girlfriend and I have started doing like bondage stuff. We were doing it for the first time.

And I started tying her up. And it was a little too tight, so I had to loosen it. And it was a little too loose. And it just turned into this whole thing. She looked at me and she's like, you know what, you're not that good at this. And I was just thinking like, isn't that a good thing? What would you do if I was really good at binding women's wrists? Like, what would you like?

I don't know. I'm supposed to like share my feelings with you. And now I have to commit like the first part of a kidnapping. That was the first time in my life I've ever thought, I wish I was a boy scout. Because they know all the knots. There's nothing sexier than a boy scout. You know what I mean? Like khaki shirt, khaki shorts.

They got all these badges that just let you know like, they can kidnap you. And then also survive in the wild. Like, they know what they're doing. Just the wild stuff. Thank you. There you go. Trevor to the tone. 60 seconds.

Straight bondage material. Is that true? This all happened? You know, a little bit. What part happened and what part didn't? Um, I never untied her. She's still tied up. It's kind of weird.

I like that. I don't know. Where are you from, Trevor? I'm from Portland, Oregon. Okay, how long have you been here in Austin? Two weeks. Do you live here now? I'm, yeah, trying to.

Okay, when you say trying to, what does that mean exactly? Looking for a place. Are you at Airbnb right now? I'm house-sitting. Okay. Yeah, it's kind of weird. Like you can just go on a website and house-sit. Like say, yeah, I can house-sit.

Yeah, they're watching you on cameras the whole time. For sure. For sure. They don't trust you around little kids or anything. Oh, definitely. No, no, no, no. I have a whole thing with little kids. There's something scary about your eyes.

Yeah? You like that? They're seductive but scary. Yeah, I go for that. That's why I tie women up. Yeah. Make them stop looking at me like that. Yeah.

Yeah, there is a very Dexter vibe that you're giving off. I appreciate it. Literally one of the last guys I would want house-sitting for me. Yeah. All right, Trevor. What do you do for work? Nothing cool. Better not say comedy.

No, no. God, no. I buy businesses. I don't know what I do. I'm an assistant to some guy who does cool stuff. Really? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

He ties you up. He ties. He tries. Yeah. Do you have a girlfriend now, Trevor? When did you write this joke? I wrote it a couple weeks ago. So it happened a couple weeks ago?

Yeah. Okay. Was this just a random hookup? No, she's actually my fiance. I just didn't want to say fiance because it ruined the flow of everything. Okay. And you go to a special store to get the stuff to tie her up or do you tie her up using normal household materials? Just normal household materials.

Or other people's household materials. It was someone else's. Basically, God damn it. Maybe there's some rope in the garage. Yeah, yeah. Right. Are you into kinky stuff like that? I mean, do you like to get choked, spanked?

You have like a bondage out there. I don't really care about the answer. Okay, yeah, yeah. Do you? Is there any history of anything creeping? You know. Still got it. A finger in the back door every now and then, but it's like, you know what I mean?

Oh, God. I just, yeah. Yikes. All the way up, though. Wow. Finger in the back door. Talking about getting into an Airbnb the wrong way. You know what I'm saying?

I love it. What else, Trevor? Any fun facts about you or your life that, you know, we should know about? Any special skills or talents or anything like that? No special skills, no talents. Shout out to... I started doing comedy in New Zealand. So just shout out to...

All of New Zealand. All of New Zealand. The country... Oh, shout out. Drop D, Shin Menzel, Connor and Snap. You owe me $30. Wow. They all owe you $30?

No, just Snap. There's no way you're going to get on Kilt Only, mate. I'll bet you $30. That really happened, you guys bet? Yeah. That's wild. How long have you been on... How do you know these people from New Zealand?

I moved there and that's when I started doing comedy. Okay. And then I moved back and now I'm here. I was in Portland for like a year and a half. You should be a professional storyteller. Yeah, I know. I was there. And now I'm here.

How long were you there for? One year. One year. What made you go there? I followed that girl. That girl that I tied up. Really? Yeah.

You don't even know her name? No, I don't actually. That's what makes it fun. All right, Trevor. Well, I like this. Anything else that I should know about you before moving on? No. Okay, perfect.

No, not at all. Congratulations, Trevor. Here. All right. We'll keep it moving along. What a glass of fucking water that guy is, huh? Jesus Christ. All this worldly experience, he brings none of it up here with him.

Paul Seifers is next on Killton. Here's another name out of the bucket. I think I heard a pop from the comedians there. They seem excited about it. Here he comes. One more time for Paul Seifers, everyone. What's up? Died my hair pink about a month ago,

and I look like an undercover police officer on TikTok. Where are the Xanax children? My favorite band is Lord. I want to kill myself. Anybody else want to kill themselves? Right on. They say exercising helps. I got a personal trainer.

He told me to bring in a picture of a celebrity from the body like the one I want. Try to encourage me. So I brought in a picture of Jack Skellington from the Nightmare Before Christmas. It's like, Paul, I don't know if you can be this thin. I was like, I don't want to be thin. I want to be dead.

You can tie me to one of these machines. I'll crisp and want myself, and you can tell my family it was an accident. You guys like that joke more than my mom does. She can't see me after a show. She's like, Paul, you got to stop joking about killing yourself right now. Just fucking do it already,

because honestly, you're a burden on everybody. Thank you. Paul Cipers. Wow. Look at that. Dumb? What do you think? I thought he's very comfortable on stage.

You've been doing it for a while? Yeah, he's been doing it. He had his own show. This is Lena Dunham. It's been a very long time. Now, I'm kidding. How long have you been doing it? About three and a half years. Absolutely. Has anyone ever told you

that you look like an old, timey, strong woman? I wrote that down when you were performing. Old, timey, strong woman. I didn't want to forget that one. I've converted a lot of lesbians in my day. It's a very special look. You look like a lazy trans athlete. Yeah.

Like the last girl you was showing up to the pickup game. It's like, man, this bitch didn't even shave? How long have you been on stand-up? Three and a half years. All of it here in Texas? No, I moved here from Worcester, Massachusetts about six months ago.

That's right. You've been on this show before. Worcester? Oh, Patriots. Tom Brady, dude. Fuck yeah. Okay, never mind. He doesn't like me anymore. There you go. Absolutely. Yeah, you don't look like the typical Patriots fan. I must say. You look like you want to beat

yourself up. Has anyone ever told you that? His set was a cry for help the whole time. I mean, it really was. A lot of kill yourself material. Is this something you're actually thinking about doing? I cry a lot, but... No, I don't think so.

What was your first joke you ever wrote? It sounds like a funny one. I saw a guy... I saw a dog bite a Chinese guy. Is that considered biting the hand that eats you? That's a good first joke. It's a good first joke. I knew you'd like it, Tony.

Thank you. Yes, indeed. Were we going to say they're dumb? I didn't want to make an Asian reference to you. You've been in enough trouble for that. That reminds me of a good question here. Do you remember your first joke? Yeah.

What was it? My father left home when I was seven years old. He never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. Pick up other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. One day he came to me and said, I got a love with you. I met another kid.

It's got beats. Beats, my friend. Paul, what else is going on in life? Tell us about this. Since the last time you were on the show. What's changed? I did a show in Del Rio like a month ago. And then I went down there and everyone there

was telling me about all the Haitian immigrants and stuff. And I was like, damn, I can't believe this isn't like national news or something. And like two weeks later, it's all over the place. I'm not the only one that I've known about it forever. Like I'm smart. But I was really just doing a show and bombing

for 20 minutes down there. What's it like to bomb? I can't imagine. It's been a while. It's been a month since I was in Del Rio. So I did it. How much time do you have to be set? I probably have like a decent 15.

And then like I can do a little more if the crowd likes me or whatever, but probably 15. How do you do this with your hair exactly? What exactly happened? Well, my girl, I mentioned it to my girlfriend. And then she seemed excited about it. So, you know, we did, it's a good bonding

experience. She like, you know, her hands are in her scalp and everything like that. So I don't know if any guys ever want to get closer with your girlfriend and look like a fool. Did she fuck you in the ass after all this? Get that pussy shit out of my state. There's this, I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm totally kidding everybody.

Kidding, kidding, kidding, joking, joking, joking, joking. Thank you. Thank you. When you hear that fart noise, you know it was just a joke. What else, Paul? What else is going on? Anything else exciting? Do you have any, you ever sing? You seem like a punk band singer that's the vibe

I get from you. Like, you know how to be like The first time I was on the show, you tried to have me do it. It went quite poorly. Yeah, perfect. That's why. And then the second time I was on the show, I got a lap dance even though I didn't really want one because I just started dating a girl.

Right. You had an angry lap dance. Yes. And then people in the YouTube comments, they were pissed. They were like, this guy with the lap dance doesn't even enjoy it. They were like really upset with me. What did your girl think about that lap dance? Because that was the reason why you were against her. Yeah, she was like, what?

So was Tony like some type of a king and you have to like all be servants and just do what he says. Like, yes. Yes. Yes. Welcome to my layer. That's pretty much what it is. Yes. People sign up for the opportunity. Yeah. God damn it. Is that what she said?

I should make you do shit. Bark like a dog right now. I wasn't even going to do this to your... I'm kidding. Don't bark like a dog. All right, Paul. Well, fun times. You did it again. Yeah, this was a good set for you, right?

You felt good about it? Oh, yeah. I feel good about the last one, too. Have a joke book made by the grade bones. Oh, sure. I have one already. Then we're going to get another person up here. There you go. It's a real joke book. A guy hand makes these leather joke books. We give about sometimes.

Let's get another comedian up here. Some real fucking, some real white bread so far in this show. All right. Make some noise for Sarah Spear, everyone. Here we go. A little bit of... A lady in this sausage festival

of a show. Shout-outs to Cantina and Cantina. Delicious club soda vodka, club soda tequila mix. This is Sarah Spear, everyone. One more time for Sarah, everybody. God, I, uh, love getting up in front of a crowd and realize I forgot

to take my antidepressants. Anyone else here taking antidepressants? Are you all happy? Well, okay. Let me tell you about antidepressants because they're kind of dicks, right? So they are this kind of medication that even when the problem is fixed, you keep taking it forever.

Uh, and they're kind of a dick because it's like, I don't want to jump in front of a bus anymore. Uh, but then they're like, do you ever want to sleep or come again? I would jump in front of a bus to come again.

I don't know. Maybe I'm on the wrong dose. Maybe I should bring this up with my psychiatrist. Uh, this has been fun. I'm going to go home and put on some sweatpants and pour a glass of wine and relive every mistake I've ever made till four o'clock in the morning.

Hell yeah. Sarah Spear, everybody. Very anxious comedian. I get it. Hi. Welcome, Sarah. How long have you been doing comedy? Oh, God, like nine years. Holy shit. I know. I should be funnier. I mean, it's okay. You're using it as sort of a therapy session.

Dom, what do you think about her? Not a shot now. No. I can't see it. Sarah, I can't see it happening with you. You can't? Not a chance. Might you share a reason why? It's just not funny.

That is the greatest insult in the history of the show. It's been eight and a half years we've been doing this show. Oh, he's giving her the answer to presents. Oh, look at that. I love it. Sarah Spear, you are wild.

What have you ever been diagnosed as anything in real life by a professional? Oh, 100%. What is it? Let's talk about it. In honor of the upcoming Sopranos movie release, let's talk about your mental health. Extreme depression and crippling anxiety. So, okay.

What are some highlights or lowlights? Like, give us an example of... A highlight of depression. What's the most depressed you've been? It doesn't seem like things are that bad, right? Look, I'm already not funny. Do you really want to bring the... But you just found that out now.

Oh, that's fair. I'm talking about the rest of your life. Yeah. The best part of being depressed is you get to spend your whole paycheck on a therapist. Really? What do you do for work? I'm a software engineer.

Okay. So, I'm a woman in tech. Do you think maybe that's why you're depressed? You know, that could be a reason. Yeah. I should probably reconsider every choice I've ever made up until this point, which I'm going to do till 4 o'clock in the morning.

So, don't worry. There's time. You ever smoke marijuana? Really? Do you do that a lot? What does that mean to you? Like, enough to... Like, what's that about? Enough to not have to pay my therapist.

So, then what is it? Wait, do you want, like, a frequency per day or per week? Is this the question when you, like, go to the doctor? Like, how many drinks do you have per week? Like, do I lie or do I tell the truth? I bet your therapist hates your guts. I bet...

by the end of a one-hour... appointment with you, now I need a therapist. I'm about to kill myself. One hour with Sarah Spear. Uh, it's 50 minutes. Oh, okay. I love it. You're very charismatic. What do you do for fun?

When you're not doing stand-up and you just get out to... Yeah, I roller skate. Oh, okay. That's cool. Hell yeah. Didn't know that warranted that, but okay. It does around these parts. Cool. Do you go roller skating with friends? Do you have roller skating friends?

I do have roller skating friends. Okay. Yeah, we go to skate parks. Like, rinks? No, like a park that you would go on like a skateboard, but we do it on roller skates. Wow! That's pretty interesting.

Do you roller skate backwards at all? I have been known to do it on occasion. Wow. Have you ever thought about joining roller derby? I have, but I think I'm more suited for dropping into a bowl and throwing myself onto concrete.

All right. Wow, I killed it, didn't I? Thanks, y'all. I love it. Sara Spear. I like your charisma. You look like every Beetlejuice character smushed together. All of them.

I put a lot of thought into that one. You can go down a long line of Beetlejuice characters. That makes me feel pretty good. Yeah. You know, I was overdue for a compliment, so thank you. It's good. There's a lot of Alec Baldwin in there, but there's other people too.

Some other people too. The hair of the lady that is the receptionist at the waiting room when you die. The dead, I believe it's a pageant queen. Anyway, Sara, any other fun facts about you that we should know about or your life?

Um... I... I grew up in Japan, actually. I didn't grow up in the US. No, that's funny. Oh, that's funny. You see what I mean? All right.

Well, thank you for the feedback. I can work on that. Work on a Japanese character. Don't... Do you see my face? You know what? I was wrong about you. You are funny. Aww. What a heartwarming tale.

I just... I had to take care of something for 30 seconds and I came back and what a twist. You two are over here falling in love. Look at you two. Sara, what's that tattoo on your thigh? Which one? Oh, shit. There's two of them. Look at that.

This one? It's an owl. It's called I was 22 and bored. And here we are 15 years later. When you don't have what it takes to get a job at Hooters, just get the logo on your thigh, you know what I mean? He knows what's up. How about that one? What's the other one?

The other one is slightly more embarrassing. The other one is a Rylo Kiley song. I don't even know what that one is. Oh, I heard it. Oh, God, no. He knows. But by the looks of the tattoo, I'm guessing it's an oldie. Okie dokie. All right, Sara.

I don't... I don't know what to do with you. You've been doing stand-up for nine years, all of it here in Texas? Well, I mean, I took a few breaks. Oh, I know New York before this and then now here. Ok. I never said I was good. Neither did we.

Any highlights of your career so far? What's the most fun gig that you've done so far? I opened for Nicky Glacier. Oh, ok. Where was that at? That was in New York at the stand. Ok. I like that. Okie dokie, Sara. I'm going to get you out of here.

How about a hand for Sara Spear, everybody? Catch her at Spear Sara on Twitter. Paul Ciphers is at Real Paul Ciphers. Trevor Tatone doesn't have a screen name. All right, everybody. We're going to get a regular on this show.

You guys know him. He's an absolute unbelievable comedian. New Minute every single week. One of the great regulars in the history of the show and my rose strival. This is David Lucas, everybody. Make some noise for David.

Yeah. I don't know why, but white women love abuse. Maybe it comes from like slavery or some shit. I don't know. Like they do.

Every time I cuss a white bitch out, I see her nipples get hard. You really like this shit, don't you? Can all men admit that the first 30 seconds of eating pussy is horrible? Like, you got to get past that funk

and that pee-pee smell. It's like, oh, nobby, it's like eating a warhead. You got to get past the sour part first. And then you start eating candy.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, there we go. Hell yeah, David Lucas. Doing it again. Every single week. A brand new minute. Love it, David. How you doing? How you feeling?

How's it going? What are you doing? You wearing a fallout boy? Wow, what happened? Your Bob's big boy wasn't available? That's what you call your boyfriend because he always fallout. What the fuck?

Well, y'all fucking. Well, you call him slip out. Is that shirt about you trying to get out of bed in the morning? Huh? Is that what your foot's going to do in 15 years? I'm just looking to fall out, boy. God damn, he hit me today.

I love it. Well, your ass dressed like a gay Mexican wedding cookie. Fuck her body. Son of a bitch. Yeah, you bought the marry a gay skeleton with that shit on. They got embroidery on his shirt. Boy, if you don't get yours.

No, he's talking to me. He's making fun of me, Dom. It's only me. We have a roast rivalry, him and I. It's all right. We go back and forth. 30 seconds, huh? David, are you saddened by the

arrest of R. Kelly? Hell yeah, man. Yeah, I know. David's a big fan. He thought Space Jam was something he could put on his toast. So... David believes he can fry. You went to R. Kelly house just to get peed on.

Okay, you relax over here, right, man. It doesn't really work if it's... I love it. R. Kelly was trapped in the closet. David gets trapped in the refrigerator. If you were R. Kelly, it'd be coming out of the closet. You're standing next to Ignition because you're always hot and fresh out the kitchen.

The only thing you bump and grind against are things that are all you're walking by them. Now you took my joke, I was about to say that. Motherfucker. I was about to say you got a lower back tattoo that ain't nothing wrong with a little bump and grind. Oh, my God. I love it.

They said he had a little boy in his prostitution ring, too. Oh, are you implying that that could have been me? Well... That's why you weren't here this morning. You had to go testify. That's why Tony moved to Texas. He had to get in witness protection.

That's true. Where that cowboy hat... That's true. I was actually the guy that snitched. So I snitched. So I'm hoping I don't get stitches any time soon. You was like, I need to see the evidence. Pull your dick out again. Wait, who said that?

Me or... I said pull his dick out? I need to see the evidence one more time. That song was about you. Do you know that? It was a sad, sad song about your body. What else is going on, David?

You been on the road? Yeah, I did. Tony O'guide, the Denver comedy works coming up this week. Then the following week after that, Vegas and the Bray of Improv. You know what I'm saying? I love it.

Me and John Keyes, we about to bring our monthly show back to the Vulcan. So if you ain't never seen me and Keyes, we have a comedy jam. So y'all make sure y'all pull up with y'all ho asses. What's it called? The Big-Ass Comedy Jam, me and Keyes.

Very fitting, very fitting. I love it. His tailor named it for them, everybody. I love it, David. Another killer new minute. Everything's amazing. He had his... Harvard.

Wow. Red Band, what you got to say? No. I see they picked that little stupid ass microphone up. Where's the little corner? I was just seeing what's underneath. I thought it's a community college.

It says university. Red Band, you went to ICDC. It's there for ice cream, donuts, and cats. University. No, I told you, you recommended it and I decided not to go. What did you just say?

I don't know. I'll try to make a little shit on the fly. ICDC, you... I had something. You almost did it, too. Ice cream, donuts, and cats. University? That might be the worst

roast joke I've ever heard in my entire life. Fuckin' lots up. I'm JR Smith, baby. I shoot 50 times a night. I might only make three. Lucas is up here anagramming roast jokes. I love it, David. So much fun.

Another new minute, amazing roasting. You're absolutely adorable. David Lucas, everybody. There he goes. He's the man. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there yet? Huh?

All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Monford Davis, everyone. Monford Davis. There he is. Oh, look at this. An employee here at Vulcan Gas Company. Oh, yeah.

Come on, everybody. Make some noise for Monford, everyone. Sex is good. I like sex. One time I had sex in my parents' bedroom. And I felt bad about what I had done. So I told them, and they were like, why did you let a black girl in this house?

You know, I don't like white girls anymore because I don't like the way their stretch marks look. They're all purple and red and shit. Looks like a fishing worm. All I'm saying, I think black girls have much better looking stretch marks than white girls. You can barely even see them.

It's like a cool little tiger print. You know, it's like round. You know, accents their body perfectly. You know, I think black girls have better pussy than white girls. One time I stuck my hand in there. When I pulled it out, I had a manicure with gel tips. And I was like, whoa.

Oh. Is that even possible? Possible. Thank you. My name is Monfer Davis. Wow. Monfer Davis. Absolutely crushing. Holy shit. I had no idea you could do that.

I've known you for a while. You work here at Vulcan Gas Company. Work in the real door, like a real comedy club employee. I almost forgot what that's called. We don't have many of those out here in Austin like we do did in Los Angeles. So it's a really cool thing

that's happening here at Vulcan where they've hired a lot of comedians. A lot of the people around here wearing the Vulcan shirts are also comedians. But I think this is my first time seeing you, right? I was at DC. DC.

A DC episode. Oh, it's Kill Tony. Okay, that's cool. Is that where you're from? Virginia. Okay. How did it go? Not good. You look like you're from Virginia. You have a very Confederate, very Civil War face.

Have you ever thought about doing Civil War reenactments? There it is. You get excited when you hear that noise. Does that make you hard when you hear that? You get a boner at all. Monford, how long have you been out of Virginia? Yeah, that too. That also sounds like...

There's a lot of things that sound like you look. I moved here in April. Okay. Straight from Virginia. Straight from Virginia. How many people were in your hometown in Virginia? I'm from Richmond, so... Oh, okay. A lot of people. I've got a very...

not as exciting real quick. What do you do for fun out in Virginia? A lot of four-wheeling? Yeah. Pretty much just four-wheeling? I was a tea party patriot. Okay. What does that mean? What did you have to do for that?

I didn't have a lot of friends in high school, so I joined the young Republicans. Hell yeah! Okay. That's how every Republican's born. Not enough friends. You know what I mean? That's a good start. That's how it happens. I'm a Republican.

So, when you joined the young Republicans, what did you guys do for fun? Just push gay people into the street or something like that? Right? Yeah, there it is. That sound. I love it.

What do you guys do for fun, the young Republicans? We don't push gay people in the street. Right. No, I know that. Yeah. I love it. Cocktails. What do you do for fun here now that you live in Texas, Monford? What's changed? I like drinking with the boys.

Yeah! I believe that. I believe that. You know these guys right here? You know any of these cowboys that are hanging out? They fucking drove their fucking Silverado. They all smashed in there today. These look like friends of yours?

No, that guy kind of scares me. Yeah. Oh, for sure. He's like, these hillbillies have eyes. He does. That guy fucking... Hell, yeah. He scares you and he's scared of the dentist.

I know what's going on over here. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, sir. He's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill me. I've never seen a rogan on the patio in a fucking bag. I've never seen a human look like a half wolf. I love it. Monford. What's it like going through life with a name like

Monford? M-O-N-F-O-R-D. That's a real Virginian name. They're always asking me where my sons are. Yeah. Right. But... This guy knows how to soak it up. I like it. But I don't have any sons. I got a vasectomy.

Oh, okay. I'm a strong, independent man. Hell, yeah. I love it. That's it. That's like a modern-day Texas abortion getting a vasectomy. It's about as early as you can kill that baby.

You know what I mean? Any later than that you gotta let it be born all the way. Ah. When did you get the vasectomy? Whoa. Damn. This guy. Look at that. The old fucking cut and run. You know what I'm saying?

The old fucking snip and clip. The old fucking cut it and fuck it. The old... I ran out of these four ago and I only did three, so... What's your dream gig? If you could get any stand-up gig in the world. Never mind.

Dream gig. This? Okay. I love doing this. It's fun. Well, look at that. One man's dreams is another's nightmare. I'll tell you.

Some of the comedians that were on before you. Yikes. I love it. I still can't get over that you got a vasectomy at 21. I've never heard of anything like that before. You barely got out of the fucking surgery for your circumcision. You're right back in there like,

can you trim some of this too down here? I haven't pulled out in six years. Wow. Just Cream Pie City. Look at you. It's good to know, huh? I love it. If you let this guy fuck you, he's going to come inside of your body. Just a little fun fact for any boys

or girls out there that are interested. Do you have any tattoos? No tattoos. Just stretch marks. Oh, gosh. Look at that. What does that mean? You used to be bigger? This is big. You're big. You are.

You're a big boy. Looks like someone's been pumping come inside of you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Monford, who are you coming inside of, by the way? Who are these people? Who are these people?

It's my favorite Seinfeld joke. Who are you coming inside of? Who? Oh. Cream Pie. Whoever lets me? Yeah. What do you do? You on dating sites or something like that?

Farmers only or something? Yeah. What are you on? A hinge. Oh, okay. Which one's that? What is that one? That's the one that you're supposed to delete. Why?

To find a relationship out of it. Oh, and you're just out there just trying to fucking squirt right inside of people. Other people are looking for a long-term thing. Little do they know. Your pipes don't even work down there, dude. It's like when Mario tries to go down the sewer tube, but it doesn't let you yet.

Like, you're not at that level. It's not one of the ones. They aren't functional. Has there ever been someone... Thank you. That is the sound that it makes. That's exactly what I was talking about. Red Band, thank you.

Has there been somebody yet... Has there been somebody yet that you've thought to yourself, maybe I'll want to have a child with this person? No, never. Right. Yeah. It's unbelievable.

I'd love to have you on the show Thursday. Whoa, look at that. He's got a spot. A big-tailed Tony jokebook. That's the great Dom Ireira. Monford Davis. We're doing it here. We're having fun.

We're doing it. Fuck yeah. How about a hand for the band, everybody? All right. Connor Hall is next. On Kill Tony. Connor Hall. Connor Hall.

Here he comes, everybody. Very exciting stuff. One more time for Connor Hall, everybody. Come on. Yo, growing up with the Internet was weird. Like, I definitely saw beheading and double anal penetration before my dad did, you know?

The first, like, messed up thing that I remember from the Internet, I was in second grade. I liked dolphins, and I looked up some stuff, and I came across a page on how to have sex with a dolphin, and it messed me up a little bit. I didn't even really know what sex was, and I remembered this recently,

and I was like, I wonder if this website still exists, and it does. All you have to do is google how to fuck a dolphin on your roommate's computer. It pops right on up, and I have to be honest, I don't think you should have sex with dolphins, but what I will say is the guy that does is a better man than me. 100%. His first rule on there

is you have to love the dolphin. I've never done that, right? Rule number two, he's like, it takes up to three days for the dolphin to, like, maybe want to, like, like you and want to have sex with you. I was like, three days, that seems a little long, right?

Like, can I just neg the dolphin and get over it with a day? I'd be like, yo, girl, you got a fat blow hole, but I like that. All right, thank you. Okay. Connor Hall. Hell, yeah, welcome, Connor. How's it going? I'm nervous.

Hey, go birds. Go birds. Go birds. Philadelphia Eagles fan. Are you from Philadelphia as well? Central Pennsylvania. Hell, yeah. How old are you? You look like you could be anywhere between 18 and 75. 33.

33 years old. Okay. Absolutely. Where are you from, Philly? Central Pennsylvania. State College, Pennsylvania. How long have you been here? Are you just visiting? No, I've been here for about three months. Three months. What do you do for work? I work in restaurants and I teach

private cocktail classes. Private cocktail classes. I'm a cocktail-logist. You know how to make good drinks and stuff? Are you like a bottle-flippy kind of guy? No, fuck that. I'm like a mixologist. Yeah. Right. Absolutely.

That just happens to look like Walker, Texas Ranger. Yeah, a little bit. With a serious brain injury. I'm like a classy white trash. I should open up a cocktail bar in a trailer park. Okay. All right. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four months.

Four months. What made you want to start now? I did it a little bit. I just moved here from Chicago and I would kind of mess around there, took it seriously, so seriously about four months. Okay. All right. You have a girlfriend? No.

I'm aggressively single. Why? Why do you think that is? What? I mean, like, I actually broke up with my girlfriend in Chicago and decided to move here to do comedy, so... Okay. Were you guys close? No.

I didn't think so. Did she seem heartbroken about it at all? A little bit. Really? How did you tell her? What was your exact verbage? Pretend like I'm hurt. I'll be honest. I went to her apartment. It was right after Thanksgiving. She got back from her family and I started bawling.

Started bawling? Like crying. Yeah. I'm not going to lie about it. So I started crying and she thought someone in my family died and I was like, no, I have to break up with you. You started crying?

Yeah, 100%. 100%. Before you broke up with her? Yeah. It worked. Wow. That is an incredible technique. Yeah. My God, Connor. Very interesting. That's pretty girl.

What do you want to do? Any other fun facts about your life that we should know about? Um... I don't know. I can pretty good at chugging beer and I can touch my nutsack to my belly button, you can touch your nutsack to your belly button. What?

Yeah. Which direction is that? I can do it. I don't know if we can do this now. Man, I really wish there was a way that I could have you do this right now. I know, right? You have it.

We can't... We can't. I know. You son of a bitch. I will show anyone after the show. I will. Wow. Just out of curiosity, what approach do you take to do this? Do you like get on your back

and like lift your legs over your head? No, no, no. I just gotta like stretch it a little bit and then I can like... Oh, you just torturously stretch your ballsack. It's not even that. It's like two pearls in a duffel bag. It's two comedians in a row that can't get a woman pregnant.

That's very exciting. Hasn't happened yet. Thank you. Well, then you have a sectomy right there. That's what we call that. All right, Connor. Congratulations on your first time on Kill Tony. Thank you. Appreciate it.

That goes to Connor Hall. Thank you very much. Connor. You guys... We don't want anybody bothering us. Bring up... Yeah, you guys want a special treat right now? All right.

Because Austin is one of the new comedy capitals of the world, it's my pleasure to introduce the great Joe Rogan and Bert Kreischer, everybody. I mean, come on. What? Look at this shit. Joe Rogan.

Bert motherfucking Kreischer. They are back. Here. Live. On Kill Tony. We just did a five-hour podcast and we're fucking hammered. Yeah, speaking of which,

I could use a cocktail. We got two coming. Let's do it. Tea and soda. We're in a fanny pack, for real. Yeah, one more. Joe Marrera, ladies and gentlemen. One of my idols. One of my heroes. One of my best friends.

One of the best to ever do it. Joe Marrera? Oh, shit. I didn't see Tom. You didn't even know you were here. This son of a bitch. He's racist. Just like Italians. Cheers.

Absolutely. Hell yeah. Nice. Let's go. Let's go, bitch. So, Joe, what have you been doing? Drinking. Drinking. Smoking weed. Come on, Tom Marrera.

I'm here to live. Bert, welcome back to the show. It's been forever. Thank you. Thank you. Well, I just moved to Austin. I'm really happy to be here. I tricked him in the moment. I'm gonna trick him all.

I've been cheating on my wife with Olivia Munn. So... Thank God. Which one of you guys is driving? Neither one of us. We're pretty fucked up. Don't you worry about what I worry about.

Hey, ask us about vaccines and ivermectin. It's gonna be an issue. Tomorrow, when the podcast comes out, know that I love you all dearly and I appreciate your support. It's gonna be a real problem. It's gonna be a real problem. They're coming for me.

What do you guys think? Should we... You plug my Atlantic City date? Yes. When is that? Atlantic City? What? Tom Marrera? 8th of August. I think that's past. That's a different month.

We should talk to your agent before we promote any further. What do you guys think? You guys want me to pull a name out of this bucket? Let's watch a comedian do a minute with Bert, Joe Rogan and Tom Marrera. Yes. Oh, shit.

Austin, Texas gets wild real quick. Your next comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds in front of three of the best comedians in the world goes by the name of Dylan Jargo, everyone, or Jarbo. Dylan... Jarbo?

Or Jargo? Yeah! My big fan of zombie movies, I just saw a new one. It's called Passion of the Christ. My last girlfriend when I have a safe word, I told her I think of something she never said.

She made her safe word. I'm going to come. All good because my safe word is I love you. I was a UBS driver for a while. Let me kick you guys. You designed the uniforms because one guy's like, all right, how about brown on brown? Knee high length for the shorts.

The other guy goes, shorter. Make the shorts shorter. Take the doors off the truck. I want to see the thighs driving down the street. We're going to be the hooder girls at the delivery industry. Nobody skips leg day. I miss Pokemon Go.

Pokemon Go made it very easy to buy drugs and ram neighborhoods because you're sitting there and a cop pulls up. He's like, oh, what are you doing? You're like, oh, sorry if there's a Charmander in the area. My dad worked in a factory for a long time. He always hold that above her heads.

Then recently he found out it was a Burlington co-factory. All right, Dylan Jarbo. Fuck yeah, Dylan, welcome. You've been on this show before, right? What happened last time you were on? What were some highlights? Remind us. Oh, man, I kissed two strippers at the same time. OK, wow.

Highlight, yeah. How did that happen to you? You must have said that you're a virgin or something. Yeah, I did. I said, I haven't kissed a girl in Texas and they come swarming up. That's it. Kill Tony. Magic happens real quick.

Did anything change in your life since you were last time on the show? No, not really. Did you even do voices in your head? Do I have voices in my head? No, not really. Sometimes. I try to think of jokes. It's about time you got to say something funny now.

Dylan, what are you into other than when you don't do stand-up comedy? What else? I recently joined Adult Softball League. Oh, shit. Thank you. What do you do out there? We get drunk in left field. We just stand around. And that's it.

Yeah, I don't remember. What do you like to do when you get drunk? Play softball. Do comedy. Go to 6th Street. Kiss girls on Kill Tony. Come to the Vulcan Gas Company. Are you from?

Are you from? I thought we were in California. Texas. Are you from Texas? No, I'm from Florida. You're from Florida? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jacksonville, Florida. Oh, shit.

White dress, son. I went to FSU for a little bit, too. Are you serious? See, you guys don't understand how cool we are. We grew up with dudes that had no tongues. That's how fun we are. Tongue was spread and... You guys bonded in your inferior state.

Yeah, we did it. Dude, we know how to do strip clubs. Hardcore. You're rolling a pair of umbrows. No underwear, right? You wore it, baby. One day, whorehouses will come along and steal your thunder.

Your state's going to go under. Oh, good. Fucking Florida! Is there anything you miss about Jacksonville? Not that you're here. Alligator of Jacksonville! Jacksonville! Dude, like being scared

walking in your car early in the morning. I might get eaten by a dragon. No, no. Person in Florida, when that... This is horrible, but when that little baby got eaten by an alligator in Orlando... No, no, no, no, no. Fucking Disney World.

Yeah, no one in Florida was like, shut up! Everyone in Florida was like, yeah, you don't let your kid play in the lake in a fucking midnight. Keep your kid from the retention pond. Fuck! Dude, no one ever water skis in Florida and goes,

that was fun! Get me the fuck out of here! God damn it. You ever have any close calls with alligators? No, we would eat them, usually. Really? Yeah, the Gator Tail. You eat alligators? Yeah. You fry them up.

How do you cook them? You fry them, you have to fry them. How do you kill them before you cook them? Because it's set. Because it's set. I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. Oh, they die watching it.

He's like, I work the UPS and the Gator's like, fucking kill me. I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm joking, I'm joking. You have to say you're joking. How long you been doing comedy? About 22 years. 22?

No, that guy. 22 years. Five and a half years. And how long have you spent in Texas? Since January. January. Okay, alright. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Yilleros? Is that a bad thing to say?

Alright, Daniel. Tom Arrero is incredulous. He's incredulous about this man's five and a half years in comedy. Dom? Hold on, wait. You need a little more talent. A little more talent?

You're doing fine. There's a lot of pressure for you. I couldn't do a minute. I really couldn't do a minute. I mean, not to take the wind out of the next guy. I think they want to see it. I'll try it next. What happened?

What the fuck did I miss there? You guys are yelling about shit. Dylan Jarbo, congratulations on being on the show. Let's keep it moving along here tonight. Let's get another young buck up here. Dylan Jarbo has all the charisma of a guy that just fucking suffered a traumatic brain injury.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Ray Chenevy. Ray Chenevy. Ray. Oh shit. All right. Here he is, everybody. One more time for Ray Chenevy.

So I'm Czechoslovakian. Nice. Yeah. That means I get to look like a Jew but be dumb as fuck. Yeah. That means I get to look like a Jew but be dumb as fuck.

Give it up for the food trucks here in Austin, ladies and gentlemen. We love it here. Austin, Texas. Even the restaurants are homeless. Don't laugh at me. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying, okay? I don't know what the fuck...

I ordered fajitas at the TGI Fridays in Afghanistan and they came out with the severed head of a woman that disobeyed Sharia law. I said, wait a second. These aren't my fajitas. This is the severed head of a woman that disobeyed Sharia law.

I said, wait a second. These aren't my fajitas. This is the severed head of a woman that disobeyed Sharia law. The waitress was like, oh, you said fajitas. I thought you said the severed head of a woman that disobeyed Sharia law. I was like, it's okay.

I'll just take the crab ring good. All right. Great, Chenevi. There was a few jokes there and at the end it appears as though you went into a real life story about ordering fajitas at a... I'm getting the severed head of a...

Yeah, you know the rest. Bro, you should have ended that restaurant homo's bit and just spiked that microphone into the ground. Raise your arms and walk the fuck up out of here. I said, fuck you, Tony. That's it. You could have easily have done that,

but instead you did what you did. Ray, tell us about you. How long you've been playing the organ with a... It's funny, it was you. I thought it was him and then it was him. What do you do? I've been here for about three months.

I'm a 3D artist. Okay. Awesome. I make visuals for live music. I love it. Fantastic, absolutely. You do drugs to stay awake for that or something? See a real bright-eyed and bushy tail today

if you know what I'm talking about. I know I look like it, but I'm surprisingly pretty sober. I don't really do any drugs. Occasionally, but... What's the craziest drug you've ever done? Just pot. Have you ever done any LSD or anything?

I don't know if you know anything about us, but we've been doing key bumps of ivermectin all night. No worms to be found around here. Yeah. Ray, what do you like to do for fun? You seem like you have some interesting hobbies, right? My main hobby is stand-up comedy. Other than that.

I like 3D art and that's what I do most of my time. Anything else, any other fun things? Frisbee golf or something wackadoodle that you're into. You're really good at drawing people fast or something like that. Yeah. I used to play video games like competitively

when I was younger. I used to play Super Smash Brothers Melee like, religiously. Wow, I don't know anything about that. Dude, that's like our third time. We're surrounded by nerds! It is. Wow. Incredible.

I was really bad at it though. It was really bad, surprisingly. Imagine being bad at video games. Funny thing about people good at playing Super Smash Brothers they very rarely smash at all. Yeah. What's your love life like, Ray?

You seem like the kind of guy that likes to masturbate a few times. Yeah, yeah. My first couple months here in Austin that was pretty celibate but I'm seeing someone right now, it's pretty nice. Oh wow, where do you meet this person at? Is a friend of a friend.

Okay. No, they're not. No, I wish. You wish they were? You ever jerk off with your left hand and pretend you're spiritual? Yeah, yeah. I'm getting a hand job

from a very spiritual person right now. Which one of those beats, son? I love it. I love it. So you met, it's a girl? Yeah, it's a girl. How'd you meet her? Assume it's a girl, dude.

Fucking homophobic piece of shit. You're right. With anal beads around his wrist, I should have assumed something else entirely. But... Where'd you meet this girl? A friend of a... A friend of a friend of a friend.

But where exactly were you when you first laid your big bulgy eyes on her? I was at the creek in the cave. It's a friend of a comedian friend of mine. Sir, one of her good friends. Okay, and what happened? You took her out back to your place? Yeah, we did bang that night,

but that was not at my place. Where'd you guys bang? It was at her place. It was her place. Wow. Yeah, it was nice. Did you spend the night? Yeah. You did? Yeah. And you woke up the next morning, were you guys having continuous sex throughout the night?

I wanted to bang in the morning, but I... I had to hear him fuck during sex. I know, right? I want to put it in the other hole, but I... I'm going to wait until... I'm going to put it in your mouth. I... You know what? I'm going to shuffle a little bit of your feet.

You are sexy, brother. Yeah. I completely agree. I bet he has a hog on him. Yeah. That's the guy that's got the sneaky hog that you're like, what the fuck up? Oh, yeah.

Like, the dudes who play the step son in Pornos. Yeah. The dudes that play the step son in Pornos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Skinny guys, giant dicks. Like, what's happening here? What is up with my fucking search feed? That's all I see in there.

It's like... It's not you. That's all that exists anymore. During the pandemic, people started jerking off to step moms. It just happened. This is non-vaccine thing. Started. It just happened and nobody saw it coming. It's so true.

Have you ever seen the one with the step moms trapped under the table? I've seen all of them, bitch. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. There's a step mom trapped under the bed looking for a lost earring. And then the guy comes up and I don't know why I'm into that. I'm like, I should hide more stuff under my bed.

You know why? Clearly, a step mom is not convincing. She wanted this to happen. That's part of the fun. Yeah. Right? She knows it. Yeah, she keeps gravitating towards... We all know it. She keeps losing her earrings under the bed.

She can't get them and she gets stuck and then she's getting fucked. This is nonsense. Is there anything wacky about the girl you're currently fucking? Is she older, different race than what you're used to? That was a step dad. I've been fucking furious. This keeps happening, bitch! There's...

There's step dad porn, too, Joe. I promise you. Get a fucking broom! Stop getting stuck under the bed. What the fuck is happening? That's my son, you crazy bitch! I feel like Joe keeps watching the same porno over and over again.

You can watch an infinite number of the same feet of porno. God damn it! This is the 5,000 time I've seen this porno! This lady keeps losing shit under the bed! Oh. I love it. I don't know why I find it sexy.

So, are your parents still married? Uh... It's only sexy if when she gets stuck she doesn't panic. She's like... Yeah. And it's gotta be a glass table. By the way, I don't know if...

By the way, I don't know if I... So, uh... Ray, do you make any... When you climax in the bedroom, do you make any wacky noises? There he goes, everybody. There is... Ray Chenevy, everyone.

We're going to keep him moving. Hand him that jokebook. That's a real leather hand-made jokebook by the great bonsai Adrian Cavazos. That's really good. Really good. That homeless restaurant shit was very funny.

Yeah, it was really good. Very funny. Guys, how cool... Are we having fun out there or what tonight? Come on. You're here, baby. The comedy capital of the world, Austin, Texas.

Your next comedian is Stephen Hairston, everyone. Whoa! From the audience! This is always good. Okay, we got a long-term couple in here. Yeah, I see some of you are here. And eventually you're going to have sex

on her period. And if you like that too much, you're low-key no-cap killer. Because... You're standing there. You're stabbing her over and over. She's moaning and groaning. And once it's all said and done,

wave of euphoria. Wash over you. And then you got to clean up the mess. The blood off the sheets, off the ground. You clean your tool off. And, you know... But that stuff has got to have some good stem cells or whatever in it.

Because every time after work, my dick looks brand new. So... Yeah. And... Okay, so... Ivermectin. That's been in the news.

So, if you mix Ivermectin and ketamine together, you grow big horse cock, so... Yeah. Wow, holy shit. Steven Hairston. Straight out of the audience, everybody.

That's always exciting. Steven, is this your first time doing stand-up comedy in your life? It is. It is. Tony, it is. Thank you. I'm going to take a stab at the dark on that one. I want to start off and say I absolutely love your period joke.

It was... It was less like a joke and more like just a poem about fucking a chick on her period. It was so beautiful. And you just pointed out the all, all the things we have noticed also like, I wish I'd never seen that

also. There's blood everywhere and then oh, fuck. It was great. It was great. Thank you. Thank you. It was great. I loved it. It was like... It's Scott Peterson

talked about killing Lacey Peterson and he just left out none of the details. He's just like... I threw it in the water. And that's what happens. I think maybe you guys want to edit that part out real quick.

Red Band. It's gone. It's gone. Red Band, let's just back this up a few minutes. I love it. Steven, welcome to the show. I take responsibility for this. I know one of... It's good. It's good. It was so good. It was offy and whiskey.

There's a lot of real things happening. Steven Hairston, welcome to Kill Tony. It's the first time on the show. Where are you from? I love it. You look like every star white 90s basketball player. This guy would have started in the NBA in 1989. Let that soak in

for a second. He's obviously more of a writer than a performer. He looks like if they sent over white orphans at 18 and they were like, hey man, grab whatever clothes you can find in Lost and Found. I really love it. Steven, how do you explain what the fuck you're wearing?

People come straight from Barton Springs to Kill Tony. This is ultra touristy. Hey man, can you dress like a guy that gets dunked on? Yeah. This is my merch right here. 69 and merch. No, it's good.

It's your own merch? Yeah. Oh, I am loving you more and more every fucking second. Is that real? Yeah, I'm on TikTok. I got about like 800,000 followers on there.

That's how you know TikTok is real. That's how you know TikTok is a plot by the Chinese government to ruin minds. Exactly. That's true. Eight hundred thousand people are watching his feet and go, what now? Yeah. Now what? Yeah.

Yeah. What do you do on TikTok to build your following of absolute ADD people to that level? Well, I just do like trends and dances and stuff. Let's see a little

come on, give us a little TikTok music here. You need music, you idiot. I don't know how it works over in TikTok, but in real life Can I make a request? Wow. I want to rock with you. Michael Jackson,

I want to rock with you. Wow. All right. All right. All right. That's just how you're horrible. Yeah. You're not talented at all. Dance every day.

Has having 800,000 followers on TikTok ever benefited you in any way? Yeah. Chicks like it. It makes me feel really good. Do you meet the chicks that like it? Has anyone on the street ever been like, hey? You might be getting catfish, son. I haven't been recognized yet.

It might be dudes. When you say chicks like it, you're talking about faceless names on the internet? No, just girls I meet at school or middle school? What school are you talking about, Steven? Hey, how old are you?

I'm 22. What school are you going to? It's high school and Central Texas is up like hour north. Oh, shit. Okay. A&M Aggies baby. That girl's up there. I can't

read neither. Fuck yeah. Let's go. Come on, bitches. I got a lighter. I'll start a fire. Steven, who are these people that you're sitting with here? What's this table?

These are my parents right here. Oh, shut up. Parents. Look at me. You know what the fuck you did? You don't make one of these people if you did the right thing. How dare both of you?

I'm looking at these parents right now and I can tell I've been doing this show a long time. I can tell that you two think you have a better 60 seconds than your son. Am I correct? Am I right about this? Oh. How many of you think I should get this guy's parents

up here? Here they are, everybody. The Hairstons, everyone. Oh, shit. Come on, come on. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, performing an uninterrupted...

Ladies and gentlemen, performing an uninterrupted 60 seconds for the first time in their lives. The parents of Steven Hairston, this is the debut of the Hairstons. All right, here we go. He was destined to be a weird child.

We didn't have sex before we were married and we've only had sex with each other for 36 years. Yes. Mom, mom, mom, mom. Just say it. So we have seven children. Oh!

You look fantastic for seven children. Mom, mom, mom, mom. I know. People used to ask me at church, do y'all know what's happening? Do y'all know why that is happening? I'd say yes, we definitely do know why that's happening. Yeah. It's because you keep coming in her pussy.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I interrupted the minute. I never do that. Go, mom, go, mom, go, mom. Oh, my God. He wouldn't stop.

Hold on. Shut your fucking mouth. We got pregnant with Steven holding hands in church. We're very fertile people. I love it. I love it. How about that? The debut of the Hairstons, everybody. We're on Kill Tony.

Wait, stay up here. Stay up here. Stay up here. Great job, parents. Great job, great job. Dom, yeah, Dom, my rara. Seven kids, great job. They're very clean. They can do clean. I love it.

I still have questions for you guys. The whole family would be great to have up here. I would love to find out about it. You guys know this is going on the Internet, right? Yeah. She's a celebrity, Joe. I want to call a fucking lawyer right now. I didn't sign anything.

She's a public figure. This is Congresswoman Marjorie Green right here. Hanging out with fucking Newt Gingrich for some reason, really. Just going across the line. Mr. Hairston and Mrs. Hairston. This is your first time seeing your boy

do stand-up comedy tonight. Is that correct? Yes, sir. How do you feel about it? How did it make you feel? You've been sitting there... You wish you spent a little more time with the boy? It's a little strange. You got to see everybody else tonight. How do you feel like he ranked up against everyone else?

It's his first time, so he gets a big advantage there, but... I have to be honest. I thought he would bomb, but he being his first time... That's a fucking dad move right there. See, that's why I kept them up here. That's why I kept them up here. That's why I brought... I wanted to interview them

for that exact sound bite right there. The balls it takes to get up here and do this, I got a commending for it. Absolutely, absolutely. Mr. Hairston. Mr. Hairston, I like your style. What do you do for work? I just retired from the military

as a military recruiter for 20 years. Wow, goddammit. Look at that. Look at that. Jackson is so predictable. Yeah. You guys, ladies, that military... You didn't even need to hear the end.

You were like... I'm at the border stopping those Mexican. I fucking love this city. Yeah. A military recruiter for 20 years, and even he thought his son was going to bomb tonight. That's incredible. This guy's got an eye for talent.

And... and much like a lot of the people that you recruited, you got to watch your son die a slow death up here tonight as well. Okay. All right. All right. I love... That's a great joke, and you can suck my dick. Listen, the coolest thing about this show

is the crazy... This is one of the best fucking shows on the Internet, ladies and gentlemen. And you get to be here live. Yeah. In Austin, Texas. How about a round of applause

for the band, ladies and gentlemen? Keeping it funky. Whoo! Yeah. Yeah! Can we get some Shinerbok up here, please? Yeah. I can use an ice-cold Shinerbok.

You don't get a show like this on Hulu, bitch. You're goddamn right. You don't. It won't allow it. Straight from the absolute middle of the audience. Who's the lady in the cow hat that you guys are hanging out with? She works at Chick-fil-A. We have no idea. She flew in

from California last night. Thank... Oh, holy shit. He placed her with us. Oh, wow. Just a random general admission ticket hanging out with a little Christian family. Absolutely. All right, crazy lady. Thank you so much.

Very good. Last ticket, Linda, over here in the house. The Hairstons. That's exactly why I love the chaos of this show is that a whole family from the middle of the audience can end up up here unexpectedly having fun. Thank you guys

so much for joining the party. There they go, the Hairstons, everybody. Fuck yeah. Air to the dad. That's for you. That's for you. This is for you. That's for your son. And here, you take one, too.

Hey, Marjorie. Marjorie. Take one of those. You got it. Wow. Look at this. Like a fucking hybrid Price is Right family feud

episode. This is a special game show version of Kill Tony tonight. You guys think we should do one more pool? Yeah. Tough to follow, but okay. All right.

Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Richard Cisco, everyone. Richard Cisco. What up? What up? So I'm getting older.

32. That's why I need a dating app that works for me. And I've created IBS for IBShitting. Wow. I'm loving these mandates.

Biden has been the best dominatrix. Um. Um. So, uh, y'all remember when Osamity Sam was trying to fuck on something and she was taking mad along?

He was like, if you don't get on over here, I'ma rub one out on you. So, um, who are the psychopaths using the Walmart bathrooms? Like, I'm pretty sure that's where they made COVID. And, uh,

that's also where you go to try to shove 4K TVs up your ass. I walked another day seeing, like, a bunch of homeless people trying to, like, heave-ho one inside of ass. And, um, yeah. Richard Cisco, everybody.

Richard, welcome to the show. I gotta say, that's the worst episode I've ever seen in a very long time. Uh. You look like you would be so much funnier than, uh, than what that was. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? It's my first time.

First time, everybody! Hell, yeah. Thank God. Thank God. I feel like we were the different belts. I want your belt. My belt is so fucking tight right now. Oh, yeah.

You had to add holes to yours, and I had to fuck holes in the mind. That is. That is. Have you lost a lot of weight recently? Yeah, I used to be fat. Oh, for real? How'd you do it? Shit, I'm vegan now, so... Oh, so that's how you do it.

But you eat bread? Wait, hold on. How much fucking weight did you lose? Shit. I'm, like, 160 now. I used to be, like, 240. Wow. 80 pounds. Look at that. Hey, shut up! 240 is very healthy.

Fucking assholes. So that's what... You got any advice for Bert? Yeah. I got to be honest with you. I got my belt from a guy at the MGM Park, one of the security guards. And it doesn't feel... Do you want to switch belts?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You got your belt from a dude. That's the belt trade of, uh... 2021. Here we are. It's only fitting. Hang on one second. I want to see if that's... Are you going to wrap his belt around your dick, because that's the only way it's going to fit?

Holy shit, man. Used to be as fat as me, for real. Keep your belt, and that's progress. That's fucking amazing. That's fucking amazing. Give me your belt, bitch. Goddamn it. Here, take my belt, too. Yeah. There you go. And new...

Machine champion of the world. Richard Sisto. What the fuck was that? That's very impressive. Very, very interesting diet plans. Instead of eating meatballs, he wears them around his neck. Can I ask you this? What did you lose when you went vegan? Did you lose anything?

Self-esteem. Not really. You need self-respect. Game with women. Son of a bitch. What did you lose? Did you lose any edge or anything like that? No, I don't think so. It's pretty easy. I'm not a big meat guy, so...

Yeah. Were you before when you were bigger? Overseas, yeah. Overseas? Military? No. Asian bitches? Oh, okay. Okay. Wow.

Where... Richard... That's very good instincts, Bert. Oh, you're great. You're great. Where were you overseas, exactly? What's your type? I've been in China for a while. Old school, baby.

Learning kung fu and slinging dick. How long did you spend over there? Like a year. What did you do? Why'd you come back? That's a good question. Yeah, just oral English. What's that?

You taught English there. How many girls, how many different... How many times do you think you had sex when you were in China? In China? In Chinese numbers, please. Yeah. Who has more followers on TikTok? You were the last guy.

Maybe like once or twice. Once or twice. Can you do numbers in Chinese? How many women do you think you fucked in Chinese? Lifetime. Say it in Chinese. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that?

R? Wow. That sounds like a lot. That's like when the pirates showed up and I go, I fucked them all. I don't like when people substitute letters for numbers. How about you use the American way, you motherfucker?

What the fuck is R? That's not a number, bitch! Richard Sisko, I'm getting... While this is your first time doing comedy, it's not your first time being an artist. Are there any other types of art that you're into? You do anything else? Uh...

Yeah, I draw. How many slam poetry things you've been in? Wait real quick, real quick. Three style slam poetry. Give me a... R? And then I'll go right after you. R.

Here we go, go, go, just do it. Freestyle. I've written something, I can't freestyle though. Just do it, do it! Here he is, doing slam poetry, Richard Sisko. Yeah! Alright. A dream is just a dream.

Just a presence in the mind so irrelevant and less invested in your intent is to indent those knights acting like perverse mirrors trying to reflect selective fears. My peer is injected, placing infected mirrors in nonsense. Yeah!

Alright, alright, alright, alright. Bert's turn. Keep going, keep going! My name is Bert. I don't want to hurt, I want to squirt on your shirt. In the dirt, later. Skirt, skirt.

Okay. I want you to feel real, real, real. Banana peel. Shield. And then you go. Okay. Shield feel so unreal because I peel

the pussy back like it's something that... It's unreal! I get pussy feels when I chill with Gio. Okay, okay, I feel that.

Keep going! And I go in like I'm swimming through women. Inna, inna, inna, inna, inna, inna, inna! Damn! Oh, damn!

Damn! Sham on your lamb in the sand! Hot damn! I'm the man! I bring that ham on that lamb!

I don't wear belts! God damn it! Pussy melts! Teamwork! Teamwork! Teamwork! Teamwork! Woo!

Shout out to Rick Flair! My goodness, gracious. Alright, alright, alright. Jesus Christ. God bless America. This party is out of control. The communists are trying to take that away! You're communists! They're trying to stop that and pull it off YouTube!

Red Band has to blur his dick out now! Red Band smoking cigarettes. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for Richard Cisco, everybody? It's the first time ever doing stand up. Richard! Richard! Take one of these.

Here, give that to Richard for me. Will you, Joe? Joe, hand that to Richard for me. Richard Cisco, everybody. There he goes. Yeah! You guys ready to put a big ribbon on tonight's episode? Yeah!

Then, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the longest standing regular in the history of the show. He debuts a brand new minute every single week. He's been touring the country. This is the Big Red Machine!

William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. Give it up for those people who've been having sex for 36 years! The New York Times recently reported that government scientists believe COVID-19 can last up to 10 more years.

Okay, maybe, but I'll have to wait until this is confirmed by MTV News. I know y'all remember MTV News! I know y'all remember MTV News! I know y'all remember MTV News! So, I'm coming out the new restaurant.

It's called Texas Roadhead. Guy Fieri is the executive chef and will suck your dick out of my Volvo. I know y'all remember Guy Fieri! I bought my son a fissure price vape pen last night. I know y'all motherfuckers remember vape pen!

I don't understand why you can't say the R word anymore. If you can call a woman a whore at work, you should be able to say retarded. Y'all now women be retarded! Y'all now women be retarded! Just a little fun update on my life. My new drug dealer has Buick tattoos.

Y'all now y'all remember Buick! God, I thought that one was going to go better. Yeah. I thought that last one was going to... I have a lot of riding on this tonight. That fucking last one just bombed. I got high up there and thought I would talk like a fucking black person.

I thought that would make it funny. What a mistake. William Montgomery everybody with a brand new minute. Yeah. William, welcome to the show. You moved here. You do a new minute every single week.

You're recently three months sober. You became addicted to raisin bread. Yes. The world is talking about it. Any updates this week? What's going on in your world? Yeah, it has been a horrible mistake bringing Amy Oh up here. I didn't realize she's totally crazy.

Her fucking husband is after me now. Oh, no. Is that true? I didn't realize she was fucking married. And then she comes on stage last week and we act like we're married and her fucking husband who works in an oil field six hours north of here knows about it now.

Oh, shit. What do you think is going to happen? I don't know. I'm worried he might shoot me. Have you thought about throwing raisin bread at him as hard as you can? Is that an option? Yeah, I've thought about it. I just know Amy is walking around up here somewhere.

If you keep that... She can't come... I mean, no. I mean, she literally... it's been awful. Okay. If a man had a gun to your face, what do you think the last words out of your mouth would be? If you knew it was over. Amy!

What you want to do? I say I could stay with you for a while or maybe longer if I do if I do Amy

Amy, what you want to do? Okay, okay. I have a great question. If you said they wanted to send you to rehab, what would you say? Amy! Rehab? No.

Bert and I were singing that song in the podcast today. Drunk as fuck. The second Amy Winehouse. How do you do it? If they said you want to send me to rehab... Have I said no? No, no! I'm not going to fucking rehab again!

What time's it up? No, no, no. It was a nightmare fucking rehab! I forgot he really went to rehab. Daddy thinks I'm fine. I said you want to go to rehab? I said

no, no, no! I can't go back! The man said why Oh shit, Joe's got this shit. Look out! I said I got no idea. My brother

together forever Amy and I will stay together I love you so much, Amy It has been so nice to meet you I can't believe your husband's fucking coming after me It's pretty bad, Amy

You know I love you, Amy It's been so nice to quit fucking playing that, please God damn it! You were at the big bill there and then it sort of trickled away I think you're depressed You just did with that song

what Amy Winehouse did with her entire life The initial title was they said they gave me herpes in rehab and I said whoa I actually, I really did get herpes in rehab Bert Kreischer drank a gallon of whiskey today

I'm not even lying It's a shocking amount of whiskey You're super red Is there something in your beard? I put glitter in it sometimes Your beard is very red Is that the lights or is that your beard? Hold on, is that a fucking joke

you asking me that? Your lights are very Your lights are very beard Your beard is I'm pretty fucked up He's been ruining words all day I am pretty fucked up We've been together since 2pm

He's been ruining words This is the tactic where America lives for real Bert Kreischer should move here, don't you agree? Thank you, Bert I will buy you a fucking house Let's go Let's go, bitch

Let's go Bert, what color are your nipples? A nice maroon color Oh shit We're comparing nipples Here we are Mine are pink Oh, you have baby nipples

Mine are pink I have pink fucking nipples I have Portuguese nipples William Montgomery got them low zinc nipples It is You are nipples like they need more red meat How do I get more zinc? Meat

You got nipples that are red Oh, baby You You got what I need I need nipples that are red My nipples are red Oh, baby Amy, I love you so much, girl

You got what I need Where are you? I got nipples that are red I got nipples that are red Oh, baby Alright Yeah, quit fucking playing that I love it

What was that? Give me a print song I know My dark nipples Wow, look at these two I have fucking him Look at this You can tell by their bellies

Can not get an abortion in this state any longer What song is this? Amy, what's up girl? We can't find you Seriously, Amy Where'd you go, girl? Who is Amy? Don't know who she is

Showed up today Want to know who she is So I'm not in the way Amy, he's the girl that I love kind of We met a couple weeks ago Then I married her Then her husband's after me now Heard he's got a gun

Man, he's got a gun For sure It's not fun when he's got a gun And we don't have a gun It's not that fun Because we end up sitting in there And tasting each other's cum We need a fucking gun now

We gotta find a gun, y'all We gotta find a gun Everyone needs a gun Ladies and gentlemen Everyone needs a gun By the way, I could do this We all need guns I need a fucking gun this dad

Get him a gun I gotta be the soccer referee on this one Someone has an extra gun, surely We gotta end it at some point everybody Did you guys have fun here tonight, huh? Come on, make some noise for William Montgomery everybody The legend, the legend

Look at that He'll be here tomorrow and Wednesday with Tony and me And Shane Gillis Yeah Fired, fired from Saturday Night Live Fuck Saturday Night Live Guys Ladies and gentlemen

I haven't gotten to work with this guy In two years How about a hand for the great fucking Daw Maira Nothing cooler than being in this city Getting to do live shows shoulder to shoulder And have friends like this pop in Guys, how about a hand For the great Joe Rogan and Bert Kreischer

Unbelievable Yeah Guys, how about one more time For the screwball peanut butter whiskey kill Tony bad We got a drawing From Ryan J. E. Bell An incredible drawing of a modern day Daw Maira hanging out with us

Go check those prints out at RyanJBell.com And thank you so much Austin Texas we have fun with you every week We'll see you again next week We love you, thank you, good night everybody Kill Tony ladies and gentlemen The cornerstone Of Austin stand up comedy

Thank you Good night Thank you Thank you