KILL TONY - #527 - JAMAR NEIGHBORS + BRIAN MOSES

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

Brian Moses, Jamar Neighbors, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 10/04/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Visit&n...bsp;GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—ZIPRECRUITER.COM â€“ TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com
Starting point is 00:00:52 and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. DeathSquad. Austin, Texas. Come on, we're doing this shit tonight. Make some fucking noise. Yee-hoo! Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world. How about a hand for my buddy Brian Reckon everybody? Hey, what's up everybody? We're doing this shit tonight. You can feel it in this place. How about a hand for the fucking band, huh?
Starting point is 00:01:56 The Kill Tony band. These are my friends, John D's on the keyboard, Michael Gonzalez on the drums and the great D-Madness there on bass guitar everybody holding it down. Life is good. We're doing the goddamn thing tonight. We're gonna have so much fun. I'm pumped. We got joke books made by the Great Bones Eye to give away. Big ones, small ones of all different sizes. It's gonna be a lot of fun. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for free for you right now. Hey y'all, according to Forbes, gyms, nail salons, hotels, mom and pop stores and more are set to go on an epic hiring spree in the coming months to meet the pent-up demand for all their services.
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Starting point is 00:05:50 Save some money, get a boner, watch Kill Tony. Isn't that a life? Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what, huh? Hell yeah. Guys, how about a hand for the yellow rose and the red rose, the best goddamn sponsors in the world. And of course, screwball peanut butter whiskey, which makes the Kill Tony band possible. These guys are fucking real musicians over here and we have a real sponsor for them. Delicious screwball peanut butter whiskey. How many of you like peanut butter out there? Make some noise if you like whiskey.
Starting point is 00:06:25 Then drink whiskey with peanut butter in it. It's a no brainer. It's delicious. It's pretty easy to figure out. I mean, two good things are great. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week we have the most diabolical possible guests available. Austin has become, rumor has it, one of the comedy capitals of the world. Last week, last week, Dom Ira, Bert Kreischer and Joe Rogan all on the same show sitting here on panel. But you didn't come last week, did you? No, you fucked up. No, I'm kidding.
Starting point is 00:06:57 We have two more great comedy guests for you. Ladies and gentlemen, two of my favorite human beings, the creator of Roast Battle, the host of Roast Battle, and one of the great comedians of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Brian Moses and Jamar Neighbors, everybody. Two of my brothers from the comedy store. Comedy store paid regulars. Jamar, of course, famously of the wave of Roast Battle and so many other great things. Your comedy special is out everywhere.
Starting point is 00:07:31 Moses, my friend, been killing it every Tuesday. Roast Battle still happens at the comedy store. You can watch it at Mint Comedy. Watch the live stream coming in from those guys over at Mint Comedy. How you guys doing? Good, man. Real good, man. Yeah. What's up? Moses with shake and welcome back to Austin.
Starting point is 00:07:56 Feels good. I got a lot of boogers. I know this is about this dry ass weather, but a lot of boogers. So those of you at home now know that Brian Moses picks his nose. Yeah, that is true. Allergies are a very real thing here for some reason in Austin. Nobody warned me about that before I signed a one-year lease to live here. And that's a real thing. You got to get a vaccine to get rid of it, Tony.
Starting point is 00:08:22 It's fucked up, man. It's my eyes be watering and I be going like this, but I'm too gangster for this motion. This shit. Luckily, you guys have been guests on the show multiple times. I mean, we all are a comedy store brother in together, so you guys know how it works. But for those of you in the audience that might not know,
Starting point is 00:08:42 a bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight, this bucket, other than this t-shirt is filled with names. There's multiple names and a few Sharpie markers. And anyway, if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then,
Starting point is 00:09:03 or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. They get 60 seconds and then I interview them and we all talk to them together, meet a bunch of new people that have the balls to sign up for chaos that is kill Tony. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? Anything can happen. Are you sure you want to do this, Texas?
Starting point is 00:09:23 Well, before I put my hand in this wild bucket, instead I'm going to bring up a regular, one of our favorite comedians of all time in the history of the show. He is the newest regular on Kill Tony. That means he writes and performs a brand new minute every week. It's one of the highly most wanted positions in all of comedy. Hold on, we have these fucking hipsters coming in later.
Starting point is 00:09:46 Right here, we have the lead singer of System of a Down and fucking, I don't know which one, I don't know who put one of Donald Trump's sons in the microwave, but this guy's right here. Look at this fucking Dweebus Maximus. Oh shit, look at these guys. This is the autistic crew coming in late. All right.
Starting point is 00:10:07 All right, let's do it. One of my favorite regulars in the history of the show. He's made a regular here in Texas. This is a brand new minute from who I believe is one of the true futures of comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. What's up guys? I live in a van so that I can pursue comedy full time.
Starting point is 00:10:35 So if you didn't think I was funny, I'm sorry, I'm trying really hard. I know there's some person in the back like, this guy's funny, but not living your van funny. Could have ruined that joke in an apartment, buddy. It's hard to date in a van ever since Gabby Petito went and got herself killed. It's hard to convince a girl to go out with you when you have all the tools to kill her and get away with it.
Starting point is 00:11:13 It's hard to jerk off in the van as well because whenever I lock my doors, my hazards flash. So if you ever see my hazards flash, just know I'm jerking it in there. People act weird about me jerking off in a van, but it's even weirder if you're in a van and you don't jerk off. It's a lot of tension. It's day 497 of me not touching myself. All right, that's what I think guys.
Starting point is 00:11:40 Hell yeah, Hans Kim. Talking about living in a van. A whole new minute about living in a van. Fuck yeah, dude. I got a generator recently and my roof is leaking. But I did have sex in it today. Whoa, that's hard to do. That's hard to do.
Starting point is 00:12:02 Not easy. Last week I told you that it dries up pussies like putting your phone in a bowl of rice. I stand by that. So was it with your normal girlfriend today? Yes, with Paige. For those of you that don't know the story, Hans has been swimming in pussies
Starting point is 00:12:18 since becoming a regular here on Kill Tony. He's made out with, I don't know, 20-some strangers and strippers. But now you decided to go steady. Yeah, Paige is a great person for me. She knows how to talk to autistic people. Does she tell you to say her first name like that when you're on the show?
Starting point is 00:12:43 Instead of just saying, yeah, she. I said your girlfriend, but then you said, yeah, Paige. Why do you say her name like that? She's a big part of my life. Jesus, you already got laid today, dude. You're still trying, huh? What's going on with that, though? Every week she breaks up with you
Starting point is 00:13:04 or you're back together. I don't think she's fully convinced about me yet. I need to have sex with her more and convince her. Can we go back to the strippers? Which strip club? Yellow Rose? Yes. They usually sit up there and come kiss me.
Starting point is 00:13:24 I mean, obviously it's Yellow Rose. It's not Red Rose, you know what I mean? That's an Asian joke. It just landed. It's both. They both have that. I was trying to do a whole Yellow Rose. There's two strip clubs.
Starting point is 00:13:33 They're the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. I'm Asian. I was doing the Yellow thing. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. I thought I could. Okay. First of all, okay.
Starting point is 00:13:41 First of all, I'm trying to get. Listen, he just told me backstage, get canceled. You'll get famous. I'm trying to do the same thing. Not tonight. I didn't mean tonight, Moses. When I told you to get yourself canceled, I didn't mean on the show immediately.
Starting point is 00:13:55 That's why I'm here. Giving you real older brotherly advice. This is a much, this is a much cooler Asian that you fucked up. I mean, you are, I got to say, you are extra Asian today since he brought it up. You got a new haircut. Is that fucking North Korean leadership?
Starting point is 00:14:11 Like what do you, what do you ask for? Turn to the sides so these people can see. I mean, look at that. That guy just went from a fucking, he had a four on his clippers and he's like, fuck it. Yeah. I'm with Moses, man. I don't think it's fair.
Starting point is 00:14:28 I saw him use the same jokes to beat Ralphie May on last comic stand in the first season. Oh, dad fan. That's a dad fan joke. We're trying to get careful. What? You fucked that stripper in that van? She's not a stripper.
Starting point is 00:14:43 I fucked the stripper in the broom closet upstairs. Hey, yeah, dude. I'm telling you. Oh. I was like, what that little girl in the back of the van said when you took her room? I'm telling you. I'm telling you.
Starting point is 00:14:58 And I, you know, I normally wouldn't talk about comedians' private lives, but I will tell you guys that my friends here, Jamar and Moses, they do, you might be wondering, and yes, they do fuck. And they have sex with women, but I'm telling you guys, one of the biggest pimps I know right now is Hans Kim. Hans, tell us more about your,
Starting point is 00:15:20 tell us more about, tell them about your recent escapades. I found a new way to cuddle. Because, you know, I'm a skinny guy. My arm is in that beefy and like my arm goes to sleep whenever she lays on it. So I started doing back to back and like our butts are touching. Like five year olds. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:43 Wow. What is that? What do you, all right. Some weird double dragon shit, bro. You guys sleep in the van together? Yes. Wow. Why don't you go to her house?
Starting point is 00:15:56 She has a house, right? No, actually Paige is homeless. Is that true? Is that true? Yeah. Wow. She's living with her friend right now. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:16:06 What she look like? She looks like a white woman who's half Asian. Is she here? Yes. Hey Paige, why don't you come up to the stage and make yourself useful for a change. Why don't we get Hans Kim's, she's been on this show before.
Starting point is 00:16:19 Hans famously, She's with some dude in the bathroom right now. Yeah. She's getting an upgrade. She has a guy with a studio apartment railing right now. No, it doesn't matter. What else is exciting?
Starting point is 00:16:35 Anything else, Hans? I did a girl's battle. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Not bad for a homeless girl, right? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:52 That's what I'm telling you guys. How are you homeless? She got a broke finger too. Hell yeah. She hurt her Hans. I was living. It's so stupid. It's so stupid.
Starting point is 00:17:05 Don't laugh at that. Stop it. You guys stop it up there. How'd you hurt your hand? She was a squid game. I was trying to catch a football on a boat. I collided with the football and my friend. Wow.
Starting point is 00:17:20 And it just boom, boom, boom. Three of them got fractured. What kind of boat for a chick that doesn't have a home? I mean, you really get out there, huh? You have quite the social life for a dude nothing. I'm from the north side of San Antonio, so I'm not. What about San Antonio? A homeless-y homeless person.
Starting point is 00:17:37 What? North side of San Antonio. She's white homeless. Oh. Homeful, that's called. Very homeful she is. Territory shit. I'm from the north side of San Antonio.
Starting point is 00:17:51 Not that bullshit south side. Paige, what ethnicity are you? Your eyes seem sort of kind of maybe Asian. I am not Asian. 0% Asian. Oh, okay. Hans. Why'd you laugh?
Starting point is 00:18:05 People think I am. Are you anything special or just like Scottish Irish? I am 55% Scandinavian, so I'm Viking. Wow. Okay. Hans, what do you think about that? I love fucking the purest white people possible. Oh, my God, I love it.
Starting point is 00:18:35 Hold up. I want some stripper credit too, because I made out with two of them, so. There you go. Absolutely. She made out with... I mean, look at that fucking finger brace over there. What a dork. That's like the world's most embarrassing engagement ring.
Starting point is 00:18:50 Show everybody. Don't cover it up. Welcome to show business, lady. There you go. Oh, there you go. She doesn't even need it, everybody. Stupidest thing ever to wear a finger brace and not need it. You guys are unbelievable.
Starting point is 00:19:03 I'd love to be a fly on the van wall in this relationship. All right, Hans, you did it again. Another killer minute. Fun times. I used to have you make out with girls, but now you have a girlfriend. I don't know. It seems weird. Yeah, you really fucked up, Hans.
Starting point is 00:19:21 Yeah, you really blew it, Hans. Way to settle down. Find yourself a good little fucking homeless girl with fake finger braces. Jesus. Hans will fuck anything. It's all about looks. I mean, dog, if the homeless bitches out here look like that, I'm moving here. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:42 Like tomorrow, shit. He wanted me a nice corner. Oh, wow. Look at this. This guy's absolutely hilarious. He killed a week ago. He's a staff member here at Vulcan Gas Company getting lucky, getting on two weeks in a row. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Monfer Davis, everybody.
Starting point is 00:20:00 All right. I moved here to Austin, Texas to chase my dreams and stand up comedy. But if I don't stop busing inside these big booty Latinas, I'm going to end up with a couple of dreamers and a warehouse job. I like black girls better than white girls. I even think black girls' assholes taste better than white girls' assholes. How do they get the seasoning to come out the other end? White girls' assholes taste like lowery season salt. White girls' assholes taste like not enough salt, you know.
Starting point is 00:21:09 It's bland. It takes a lot of my parents' Thanksgiving. Thank you. Monfer Davis, everybody. Wow. This is a side of you that we didn't hear last week is about your preferences in the bedroom. Big booty Latinas and black asses. Is what I gathered from that 60 seconds.
Starting point is 00:21:34 Is this true? Are you into big booty Latinas? Yeah, it's a thing that doesn't really exist in Virginia. It's a Texas thing. Oh, so this is all new and exotic to you. Yeah. You're used to a bunch of plain white women like Paige that was just up here. Yeah, I don't like that at all.
Starting point is 00:21:51 Right. You're the reverse. Yeah. You're the Nordic. You're the Nordic one. How often does this happen? Where do you find a big booty Latina at? I think everybody wants to know.
Starting point is 00:22:10 At 7-Eleven on Altorf. Okay, perfect. All right. Absolutely. Perfect answer. That's correct. You moved to the next level of Kill Tony. It's a hot local ref.
Starting point is 00:22:28 What about that black chick with the seasoning on her? Where you meet her at? How are you getting black girls? I think you're going to capture them. Yeah. Where are you finding these black asses? You know, I'm just very sensitive and nice. And I treat them like the queens that they are.
Starting point is 00:22:53 Thank you, Sarah. You must be the drug dealer in town. Can I FaceTime my auntie and you tell her that? Let's do it. We're going to FaceTime Jamar's auntie, everybody. Are we really? Absolutely. Don't you think we should?
Starting point is 00:23:14 Can we get it? Yoni, come here. Come up here, Yoni. Get the reverse angle of this. Hell yeah. You want a big black one or an actual cute auntie? Cute auntie. I want like, who's like the man?
Starting point is 00:23:30 Oh, this one. This one right here. We want your blackest auntie. We don't want like your adoptive auntie or whatever. Whichever one put you through private school. Foster auntie. Oh, and she got diabetes and she only got half a leg. Let's do this.
Starting point is 00:23:44 Badass though. Badass. Nah, I ain't going to call her. She's probably asleep. All right, let's get Shannon. Put the microphone at the bottom and turn off the volume. Put the microphone at the bottom. Hey, auntie.
Starting point is 00:23:57 Oh, she at the game. She's at the game. Hey, auntie. Oh, wow. She's literally a Monday night football right now. We have the, somebody wants to big up black women and I said, hey, can you big up my auntie please? Hey, look at all my animals.
Starting point is 00:24:15 Tell her how you feel. Mr. Marz, auntie. Mr. Marz, auntie. I just wanted to say that I think I would love to eat your asshole. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh.
Starting point is 00:24:35 Oh, my God. No. Oh, shit. Damn, dude. Making that before me. Monford. No sweet talk at all. Straight to business over there.
Starting point is 00:24:52 I mean, God damn Monford. Straight to that fucking auntie asshole. God damn. I'm pretty sure you can't get sick for a while if you. That's how you get the auntie bodies. That's the way to do it. Oh, shit. I'm in trouble.
Starting point is 00:25:12 Wow. How many black girls asses have you eaten, Monford? Two. Oh, okay. All right. I'm trying to make it three. I love it. And you work here.
Starting point is 00:25:32 You work here at Vulcan Gas. How long have you been on stand up? Two and a half years. Okay. All of it here in Texas? Wait, no, you said Virginia. Yeah. Right.
Starting point is 00:25:42 And how long have you been here? Like six months. All right. Jamar's grounded. I didn't mean to get you in trouble. I'm sorry. No, it's good. It's good.
Starting point is 00:25:55 You could tell this was a successful aunt too. She's literally at the NFL game right now. She was in the stands wearing a Chargers hat. You guys will. You can tell how much she's successful because she's like, can I eat your ass? She's like, how much does he make? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:09 Yeah. We're like, he's a door guy at Vulcan. I'm sorry to bother you. Auntie Shannon. I saw the contact on the phone when he hit, it's Auntie Shannon, everybody. Okay. So, Monfer, what's something fun that we didn't find out about you
Starting point is 00:26:29 last week that you probably thought about like, oh, that would have been a good thing to bring up in the interview. Anything interesting about you that we don't know yet? I like dancing. No fucking way. There's no way. You don't look like the kind of guy that likes dancing. This is a big surprise.
Starting point is 00:26:44 Will you show us a little something? Can we do some EDM music? EDM music, really? Yeah. Yeah, look up EDM music on your little device there. Oh, this is going to be, I think we're in for a surprise here. I think that I did not see this coming. All right, all right, all right, all right.
Starting point is 00:27:27 There's not some big twist coming where you like, spin on your back up in the air or something. That's what you think dancing is? Listen, with dancing like that, that's why it's only two black girls. Yeah. Exactly. And not 35 like Bill Cosby, sure.
Starting point is 00:27:46 I'm trying to get canceled. I love it. Monfer, you're hilarious. You did it again, red band. I would like to have you back on the show Thursday at the Secret Show. Thank you so much. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:28:00 Hey! Just got booked on a real show. You got a joke book last week, right, Monfer? Yep. I've got one more time for Monfer Davis, everybody. A lot of the staff members here are also comedians, and they sign up every week. Monfer got on two weeks in a row.
Starting point is 00:28:15 That's hard to do. The odds of that are. Your next comedian is Jesse Burr. This is a new name, Jesse Burr. B-E-R. Here we go. You guys having fun out there? Do you understand the show?
Starting point is 00:28:31 You guys happy? You guys excited to be out on a fucking Monday? All right. Here it is. One more time for Jesse Burr, everyone. Hey, everybody. These bullshit politicians these days got me questioning things.
Starting point is 00:28:52 Got me thinking I'm missing the good old days back when Dick Cheney was around. You know, straight shooting Dick Cheney. You don't want to bring any bullshit to Dick Cheney's office, that's for sure. You end up in the forest, crouched down with him, hunting for something, I'm not sure what, but hey, look over there.
Starting point is 00:29:13 Did you see that? Boom! Oops, I missed. Sorry about that. Let me clean you up before the Secret Service gets here. You think anybody's going into Dick Cheney's office with a bad deal anymore? I think our politicians now need to take a good,
Starting point is 00:29:35 hard look at themselves, get some last from the past, right? Meow. That's a minute. All right. I don't know where this came from. I do believe this is the ghost that hides under Jamar in Moses' bed at night.
Starting point is 00:29:56 Did you guys just conjure this up with your imaginations? This is the start of a blatant porno. I've seen this before. I don't want to bring the good old days back. Slavery, come on, Jamar, Moses! Oh, my goodness gracious. Is that real? Is that your real hair?
Starting point is 00:30:16 It's from China. Oh, okay. But it's really mine. I bought it. All right. I just flew in from LA, especially for you. All right. White girl weave. Okie dokie. It's White Girl Day, yes.
Starting point is 00:30:30 Can I call my sister? Are you apologized for slavery? Well... You know, Ashley, you know who my grandfather was? You guys will like this. He was a what? A rapist? No, no, no, no. My grandfather really was
Starting point is 00:30:48 quick-drawn-the-graw. Leland Eagle Eye, quick-drawn-the-graw. You think we know who that is? You're in Texas. You need to know who that is. You're in Texas now, Tony. What fucking creek do you live next to where whatever the hell name you just said is a big deal?
Starting point is 00:31:04 Where do you live? I have so many questions for you. I'm from Santa Barbara. I have all the questions for you. I'm so excited. We're about to be best friends. I'm super excited to be here. I'm from Santa Barbara, California.
Starting point is 00:31:20 I just flew in today. How long have you been doing comedy? This is actually my very first time. I swear to God. I know you've heard that before from a lot of women, but I swear to God almighty. This is my first time doing comedy.
Starting point is 00:31:36 Did you say your uncle is a fictional cartoon character? No, my grand-pappy. My grand-pappy. It's not fictional. He's a real guy. He's a horse. He really had my mommy and then my mommy had me. No, it was just based on...
Starting point is 00:31:52 It was really based on him. He was a World War II hero. He was the captain of a battleship at the age of 21. He was very humble. He will say that it's because he had premature balding that they made him the captain. People had to respect him because he looked older.
Starting point is 00:32:08 There were a lot of older men around in 1946 or five, I guess. Whose podcast is this? Yeah. Oh, I love this shit. I live for fucking characters like this. Will you tell us how old you are? Is that a weird question for you?
Starting point is 00:32:24 Oh, my God. I'm over 29, so you don't ask women that. There you go. I had a feeling I'd get a real dog shit answer out of you there. Especially when I'm with fake hair, because I'm trying real frickin' hard here. Jesse, shut the fuck up for a second. I need you to buy this silly hat. I feel like you got that here in Austin.
Starting point is 00:32:40 You got it here today. No, I've had the hat for a while. You brought that from Santa Barbara? I did. Wow. I did, in fact. And it's not real. It's vegan. That's a good question, John. Is it attached to the hair? Does it all come off at once? No! Then I'm sure there's a peel away mask over all this.
Starting point is 00:32:56 No, but they're ready to look like shit now, so I'm gonna leave it on. Jesse, you just ramble whatever half answers that you have, don't you? I love it. Your name's Jesse? Jessica. So you just like cartoon characters. You're dressed up like the Toy Story chick, right?
Starting point is 00:33:12 Is that what that's supposed to be? I wanted to be memorable, so... Oh, well, there you go. Everybody, we're always looking for the next wacky Toy Story character. What have you done with your life up until this point? You're just starting stand-up tonight. What have you been doing? Yes. I have been
Starting point is 00:33:28 suing corrupt officials in Los Angeles Federal District Court. Okay. And that is the goddamn truth. What have you been suing people for? I have been suing people over instigating arson in order to
Starting point is 00:33:44 defraud the people of California because fake law firms have been set up. Keep going. You guys don't want to hear the misery that is in California right now, right? You're here for the fake law firms.
Starting point is 00:34:00 You're here for comedy. California is burning and why? Because firemen are paid overtime now. Jesse, over here. Over here, you crazy fucking bitch. And fake law firms, fake law firms are the body of everybody. They're raping everybody in California.
Starting point is 00:34:16 They're raping everybody in California. They're raping everybody in California. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Oh, my God. I've officially lost control of this show. Moses, give me a second here. Okay. Jesse, up here.
Starting point is 00:34:32 Are you listening at all? You're on a live podcast right now. I'm sorry, Tony. Okay, hold on a second. Let's start over because I want to know all this crazy shit. First of all, you know that you can't sue us. You signed up for the show. I will never sue you.
Starting point is 00:34:48 Part of signing up right now, a little verbal disclaimer. You know what you signed up for. But you sue your former home of California? No, I'm actually suing the people who, the settlements that are being arranged for the fires, who knows where the money is going.
Starting point is 00:35:04 It's not going to the fire victims. Hold on. Okay, this is the part where you stop talking. Did someone, did something that you own get burnt in any of these fires? No, it didn't. So why are you suing for the fires? Because I'm pissed off because I'm breathing
Starting point is 00:35:20 in a freaking, I'm living in a barbecue. I'm not supposed to be living in a barbecue in freaking California. Holy shit, man. I want to give you a quiz now, and then I want to give you a quiz tomorrow after Brian and Jamar have fucked your brains out. And I want to see if you're any
Starting point is 00:35:36 smarter tomorrow or stupid. Don't you think that'd be a good experiment? Tony, let me fuck. I feel like she'd be smarter if she got gang banged by you guys. She just said that California, everybody's getting raped in California. I'm from California, I haven't raped anybody.
Starting point is 00:35:52 I want that to be on record. I'm from California, and it was a train. Can I have a Jack and Coke? Jesse, what did you do for a living your whole life? I'm a professional white girl. I call the manager professionally. Actually, I was a stockbroker for 10 years,
Starting point is 00:36:10 and I work for Merrill Lynch, and I work for City Group. You ever do any drugs? Uh, once for about three years. Just one time. Only one time. It was right after I caused the great banking
Starting point is 00:36:28 crisis of 2008. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You caused that? I was part of it, yes. I was selling to Benchers for City Group, and I'm terribly sorry to everybody. Wow, you're nuts as fuck. Now I'm trying to pen it. Wow, you're a special kind of
Starting point is 00:36:44 crazy. I love this. I never thought when you came up here and I'm like, hey, it's Willie Nelson's grandmother. This is going to be, this is going to be so comforting, and instead you're scaring this shit out of me. What kind of car do you drive? Do you have a vehicle
Starting point is 00:37:00 or do you have a fucking stagecoach? I have a van too, a white van. Prius. Yeah, what does he do? I don't live in it. Oh, you have a white van. I do have a white van. Yeah, it's really boring. Really, really boring. How long have you had this?
Starting point is 00:37:16 I was just a stockbroker. I had a couple of cars and they were fancy. All right, I can't stand you anymore. You just talk. She just talks. I try to, sometimes I can control the crazy, some people, like how many antidepressants are you on right now? No, just weed. We did weed in California.
Starting point is 00:37:32 The pattern I'm seeing is she just likes to fuck people's shit up. Yeah, it seems that way. Do you have a sex life at all, Jesse? Are you on Only Farmers or whatever? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:37:48 You have a love life? You have a man, Jesse? Yes, I do. Really? How long have you been with this guy? Two years, seven months and 27 days. Wow. You're nuts.
Starting point is 00:38:04 Holy shit. Like if we sat around in a writer's room and tried to write someone and crazy, we would not even know, it would not be believable if we wrote this for you. We'd be like, oh, this is way overboard. Yeah, you think it's overboard?
Starting point is 00:38:20 Why don't you give her a little squirt water bottle to take out there with her? Ever squirted during a fucking sex court? Oh, Jesus Christ. It's empty, too. Oh, man. Bitch, what is this? It's a douche.
Starting point is 00:38:36 Who's tears are these? All right, Jesse. Actually, do I sing? Yeah. Yeah, do you know a song that you could tell them to play and you could sing it? How many of you want to hear the craziest woman in history of the show sing a song right now?
Starting point is 00:38:52 This is a show where anybody can sign up and anybody can get pulled out of a bucket. This is proof of that. Singing a song here, she goes by the name of Jesse Burr. You ready? I must be
Starting point is 00:39:08 the worst enemy I make life hard for myself so that's what they tell me. Oh, shit. Okay, you're getting better. Write my
Starting point is 00:39:24 aftermath on that epitaph. Oh, yeah. God bless me. I'm doing the right man. Oh, boy, you got another?
Starting point is 00:39:40 Oh, I ruined that one, I guess. Jesse Burr. Wow. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Tony. Thank you. This is hard, you guys. I'm a little bit, you know, it's hard to be a first-timer up here, I have to say.
Starting point is 00:39:56 I've already been date-raped by two guys and, you know, double penetrated. Wait a second, that didn't happen. Double penetrated by the table, man. That never happened. Moses, come back. I swear to God, I ain't never fucked this bitch.
Starting point is 00:40:12 I swear to God. That didn't happen, Jesse. You are not easy on first-timers at all, I have to say. She lying. Bro, first of all, it was regular rape. Yeah. And I'm going to go on record to say
Starting point is 00:40:28 that didn't happen. I mean, you're cute, no. Don't give your balls. Jesse, have you ever been with a black man before? No, I have not. Okay. I have not. Have you ever...
Starting point is 00:40:44 Were you at the... Capitol on January 6th? No. All right, there's your question. What's your question? What's your question? No.
Starting point is 00:41:00 All right, there she goes, Jesse Burr, everybody. There she goes. Thank you, Jesse. I'm going to get you out of here. Oh, standing ovation for Jesse Burr. Look at this, a big fan here. A huge fan of Jesse Burr. Thank you. Hell yeah. Thank you, thank you.
Starting point is 00:41:16 Absolutely. Tony. Yeah. Moses, tell me, what are you thinking? You changed. The show has changed. It's wild now. I've never been falsely accused of rape on a podcast.
Starting point is 00:41:32 I have. It'd be really funny if when we play it back and you go in really slow motion, if there's just a moment where you guys are fucking her and we didn't even notice. Like some type of magic trick. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Ben Horne, everybody.
Starting point is 00:41:48 Ben Horne. Oh, my God. All right. Chaos. Here comes Ben Horne, everybody. Yeah. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:42:04 Thank you. I had to quit drinking. A couple weeks ago, I got black out drunk and beat the shit out of my roommate. Yeah. So she moved. Well, that's what I tell people.
Starting point is 00:42:20 CPS took her. But it's my story to tell. She can't even talk yet. I know. I look like I would do bad things to women. I look like the kind of guy who would die as mustache pink so we can tell women that their lift has arrived.
Starting point is 00:42:42 No, I'm a big fan of women's rights though. I think this new abortion law is bullshit. I think it's fucking ridiculous. Six weeks. Six weeks is not enough time. All right. After six weeks, most women have no fucking idea
Starting point is 00:43:04 that we even had sex. Yeah. All right. Ben Horne. Welcome back to the show, Ben. You've been on here before. Yeah. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:43:22 What's going on, dude? How long have you been on stand up? A little over two years. You're from Texas? Yeah, I'm from Austin. What do you do for work again? 100% one of the greatest parts
Starting point is 00:43:38 of living in Texas, HEB. And what do you do at HEB? I'm a personal shopper. So when people do their online orders, I just go and get their shit for them. Wow. So you know where everything is at HEB? For the most part, yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:54 Oh my goodness. Wow. How long have you been doing that for? A little over a year. I've been working in one down here. So much more exciting. People stealing shit all the time. Homeless people doing crazy shit.
Starting point is 00:44:10 I fucking love the HEB that I work at now. Every day is a fucking adventure. Right. Absolutely. You're out there just shopping while they're sitting out there homeless and broke. Just shopping over and over and over again. They're like, how does this guy do this? It's incredible.
Starting point is 00:44:26 And you're mustache, were you at Capitol Hill January 6th? He looks like Steve Brandezisi in Witness Protection. Yeah. This is what Steve Brandezisi actually looked like on 9-11. He was at a show enjoying himself.
Starting point is 00:44:42 I feel like his mustache wants to make me work for three-fifths of what I'm really worth. I'm really scared up here, man. It really is aggressive. How far are you going to go with this mustache? Do you ever trim it? When it gets too long, that's it.
Starting point is 00:45:00 For those of you listening to the podcast that don't watch on YouTube, I'll describe it. It looks like if you put two Christmas trees stump to stump with one another, like if two Christmas trees slept like Hans Kim and his girlfriend in a van. Like an Irish walrus or something like that.
Starting point is 00:45:16 Yeah. It's funny, actually, since doing this show a few times, especially probably because of the mustache at work, people recognize me all the time and come up to me and they're like, oh, I saw you on Kill Tony. Absolutely. It's weird. Half of them are like, hey, man, keep it up.
Starting point is 00:45:32 And the other half think that I made it because I made it on the show a couple of times. I'm just a fucking famous comedian. Who said that? You see that I'm actually at work now, right? Your mom and dad, you've made it. You were on that Kill Tony, that Kill Anthony, look at you.
Starting point is 00:45:48 Well, some people, I don't know what it is, some people actually think that that's it. Like, you made it at that point. No, trust me, I know. Imagine I live with this all the time. Yeah, go ahead, Jamar. Can you apologize to my sister for slavery?
Starting point is 00:46:08 I'm going to call her old FaceTime. I ain't cutting this mustache to the south rice again. What are your parents like? Do your parents look like you? Is your dad a hearty, hearty gentleman? No. Not at all. Have you seen this look of yours?
Starting point is 00:46:24 Yeah, well, my dad has. How long have you had that mustache? Since, what, lockdown, I guess? Okay. I lost my job and just didn't shave at all. And then I started playing with my mustache out of boredom. And then one day I was like, let me just shave up. Hey, I'm sorry for slavery.
Starting point is 00:46:40 Oh, I did that. That was my fault. I'm sorry. We got carried away. Is she really there? It just, you know, hurt some people. Is that a different auntie? It's my sister. Hey, Jewel.
Starting point is 00:46:56 Hey, Jewel. Do you accept the apology? Who is that? He's the white man. I'm here on behalf of all white men. All white men. Do you accept the apology? I think about it.
Starting point is 00:47:12 All right, all right. We going, we going, we going, we going. Jamar raped somebody? Man, that was yesterday. Man, y'all tripping. That one today. What else is crazy about your life, Ben? You haven't been on the show for months.
Starting point is 00:47:28 What have we not covered that we should? I moved downtown. I live in not the best area. And I didn't realize that until I started going to the gas station across from my apartment every day. That place is a fucking madhouse. Every day, if I go in there past 10 o'clock,
Starting point is 00:47:44 there's a dice game going on in the chips aisle. Swear to fucking God. The guy who runs it is, like, at night, he's probably a 20-year-old kid. He's real young. But every once in a while, he just doesn't want to do his job. So we'll all go in and grab, like, a couple of tall boys or a case of beer or something.
Starting point is 00:48:00 And he'll just be like, you're good, man. And he'll just walk outside. And he'll be like, so what, you just want me to take it? He's like, yeah, just fucking leave. I don't give a shit. So, like, two weeks ago, I go in, he's screaming like a white dude who looks like he has no idea what's going on.
Starting point is 00:48:17 And I don't know what started the argument, but he just keeps yelling, we carry guns, people keep getting clapped around here over and over again. Can you say that to my auntie? Hold on a second. Hold on a second here. So something crazy about your entire life
Starting point is 00:48:35 is that the gas station across from you is wacky? Where exactly? What gas station are you talking about? I live on the corner of... I live right off of East Riverside. Yeah, 35 in East Riverside. Okay. So I went in and I was like...
Starting point is 00:48:52 So he's yelling at this guy, he lifts up his shirt, shows him his fucking... We see this shit every day. I don't even know why you're telling us this story. That's just walking outside in Austin. All the characters, oh, a dice game. Wow, never seen such a thing. That's if they were organized enough to even have dice.
Starting point is 00:49:08 Most of the homeless people we deal with don't even have dice, Ben Horne. You're living fancy life over there, Riverside, next to the river, soaking it in. You're the best homeless people in the city. All right. Do you even know what H.E.B. stands for?
Starting point is 00:49:24 It's the guy's name. Yep. Ben Horne, you've been on the show a bunch. Get out of here. There goes Ben Horne. Ben, you ever get a joke book? Yeah, I got one. Okay. I should have given Crazy McGee
Starting point is 00:49:40 Jenkins a joke book. I forgot. I wanted to get her out of here so bad. Make some noise for your next comedian, Sam Hunter, everybody. How many of you like-o-ing comedians do good on this show? How many of you like-o-ing comedians do bad on this show?
Starting point is 00:50:00 You must be having a blast here today. Here he is. This Kill Tony debut. Make some noise for Sam Hunter, everybody. What up? I have a problem with running. When I walk, my thighs rub together.
Starting point is 00:50:20 It's called chub rub. Has anyone else experienced chub rub? It fucks up the skin on your thighs. Like dries and irritates the skin. So what you need to do is you need to lotion your thighs. And my problem is sometimes I suck in between my thighs.
Starting point is 00:50:36 And I'll just be walking around like Bluetooth masturbating for some time. Just walking around like singing to myself. Everyone's like, why is that huge guy singing? I'm like, they have no idea. And my problem
Starting point is 00:50:54 with running is when I run, I come. So I can run. My football coach in high school is like, Sam, you're getting fat. You need to get in the goal line and start doing some suicides. I'm like, coach, I'm empty. I got nothing left. All right, but
Starting point is 00:51:12 Fuck yeah, Sam Hunter. Welcome to the show, Sam. This is your first time. I'd remember you. I'd remember if Ralphie May's nephew showed up on Kill Tony. I like your look, Sam. You look like the little boy from up. If the house couldn't leave the ground.
Starting point is 00:51:28 I think they need more balloons. Can we get some more balloons? No, I love it. You're adorable. You look like you got locked in a walk-in cooler in the fifth grade and just got out right now. Little baby boy.
Starting point is 00:51:44 How long have you been on stand-up, Sam? Like pre-Covid, like three years. How long have you been on sit-ups? It's a couple hours. Believe it or not, eight and a half years. I've never made that joke in the show's history. You can go back. Check all the episodes out on YouTube. Nice.
Starting point is 00:52:02 Be sure to subscribe and rate and review. What am I supposed to say, Yoni? Yoni's been yelling at me for three months to tell people to subscribe to the show. Subscribe to the show is what the kids are saying. Anyway. Sam, what's up with your life?
Starting point is 00:52:18 Tell us about you. You seem like the guy that's been... If I had to guess, if you showed us pictures and I was like, what are these guys' shops at HEB all day long? You're the one I would have guessed on that. So that was the last guy. Right. What do you do, Sam?
Starting point is 00:52:34 I just moved down here like a week and a half ago from Connecticut. Sweet. Really? That is so brave for us. There's so much COVID out here. You just moved out here and you know how much COVID's out here. You look like this and are like this. You're doing it. Did you already have it yet?
Starting point is 00:52:50 You got the antibodies? Oh, no. Get you the auntie bodies. Nice. Yeah, you want to fuck an auntie of mine? Joke's so good to work twice, ladies and gentlemen. What do you keep in your front pocket there, Sam Hunter?
Starting point is 00:53:06 I got to know. What is that? Is that your pacemaker? What is that sticking out of there? No. It's the exact opposite. Cigarettes. I love it. How long have you been smoking for? Probably like six years. I love it. What do you do for work? Okay, what did you do in Connecticut?
Starting point is 00:53:22 I was like assistant manager at a car dealership. Wait, what? Assistant manager at a car dealership. Car dealership? Yeah, I was like, you want it. You want no cardio? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:53:38 Okay. Did you sell people cars? No, I was like a supervisor for the mechanics and detailers. Yeah, look at you just boss baby out there and fucking telling everybody what to do. Yeah. I love it.
Starting point is 00:53:54 You look like a bully on a PBS kids' show. Give me your lunch. Oh, my God. Amazing. That's exactly what he looks like. Nice. Sam, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that fucking
Starting point is 00:54:20 knows how to do something. I like watching like live music and getting fucked up pretty much. Okay, what do you, what do you, what does it take for a guy like you to get fucked up? What are you into? A lot. Really? You ever do whip-its but also do all the whipped cream too?
Starting point is 00:54:40 This guy does it all. This guy does coke and cake, this fucking guy. It's a cake addict. What type of fucked up are we talking about over here? Tell us about it. Um, like, what do you mean?
Starting point is 00:54:58 I like to get fucking hammered, dude. I'm Irish. So you like to get hammered. What would you get if you were going to get hammered? What does it take, like a 12 pack or like a bottle of Jameson? What are you into? Do you like drinking beer or like whiskey?
Starting point is 00:55:14 Wait, are you the one guy at that one baseball game that was throwing up all over himself but like had his mouth, had his hand over his mouth the whole time? You ever see that video? I did, and that was not me. Okay, perfect. Barely nobody in the audience saw that video but people on the internet will love that.
Starting point is 00:55:30 I'll take that moment of silence and... The kid from Stam by Me. When he drank all that. Let's start throwing up on fucking Jamar and everyone starts throwing up on each other in here. Damn, other than getting fucked up, like what are you into other than live music? I mean, there must be something.
Starting point is 00:55:46 You have a hobby, like sometimes I golf, sometimes red band does virtual reality. What's your thing like that? I like sports, like watching hockey. I was born outside of Toronto. I like doing shit, man. I like doing stand-up and getting fucked up watching music. Okay, did you have you been to ACL?
Starting point is 00:56:02 Did you go to ACL this weekend? No, I'm broke. What's the last good concert you went and saw? I saw Dinosaur Jr., this indie band in New Haven. Yeah, Dinosaur Jr., nice. Hell yeah, Dinosaur Jr. is awesome. Wow, you seem more like a Carl's Jr. kind of guy. So, on the midway point to get here,
Starting point is 00:56:24 I stopped in Nashville. Right, I stayed the night in Nashville and there was this band playing called the Lamont Lannister Band. And I drank with them after the show and they all listened to Kill Tony. So I had to give them a shout out. Absolutely, okay, yeah. You ever have any physical fights?
Starting point is 00:56:40 Ooh, good question. Absolutely. Not that many, but like two, yeah. And did you win them? Um, no. I think I saw one of the fights when you were in the sandlot as the catcher. That's right, I would have worked there. You're killing me, squint.
Starting point is 00:57:00 Or as the goalie in the big green, for those of you that... That's the goalie. So, have you been in a fight? Like recently? No, not recently. Just like college, I've gotten two fights. Yeah, how did those go down? How did those start? Was it you just fucked up?
Starting point is 00:57:18 Out there talking shit? No. My friend knocked a guy out at a frat party and we weren't in the frat. So I had to like get him out of the building and people were like attacking him like zombie land. And then we came back with more guys,
Starting point is 00:57:34 but there was like 60 dudes in a frat. And I was the biggest one. So when the fight started, this guy like hit my head off and I thought, that's who I'm fighting. But a guy came running from behind to treat and knocked me over. And then like 12 dudes just poured over this deck and just jumped me.
Starting point is 00:57:50 I lost. I got beat up. My friend said I was sitting crisscross, applesauce, getting treated. Well you love applesauce, so at least you have that going for you. My goodness. How about your love life? Sam, what's that like? Do you have a little plus size
Starting point is 00:58:06 waiting for you at home? Do you like to get titty fucked? I mean, what's your thing? For me or the girl? Have you ever had sex with a 75 year old lady with blonde pigtails and a cow hat? I have not. But I'm not against it either.
Starting point is 00:58:22 That lady can fuck. There's a snake in my pussy. I feel like she'll let you and you won't have to rape her like me and Moses did. Allegedly, allegedly. I never raped anybody. Moses R. Kelly not guilty. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:40 That is true. Sam, what's one more fun fact about your life that we need to know about before letting you go? You seem like there's a lot there. I have a decent amount of rhythm and I can shake my tits to music and it's like right on beat.
Starting point is 00:58:56 Wait, you can what? I can like... Whoa! Play some music! Oh shit! Oh! Hey, take the... This is Kill Tony! All right, all right, all right.
Starting point is 00:59:24 You get it, Jesus Christ. I know there would be a part where you start squirting milk into the crowd or something like that, but... He... He looked like Hannah Gatsby cut a piece of herself off to go set it free to go tell jokes and shit. Nope. Wow.
Starting point is 00:59:40 Can I have another shot? Wow. Jamar likes to put his punchlines at the front of the joke and the set ups afterwards. Looks like Hannah Gatsby ran an errand and then came back after eating too much food. Man, you fat! Now, it's...
Starting point is 00:59:56 Sam, you're a very, very talented titties. I wish I had some ones. What made you move to Austin, Texas this week, Sam? Do stand up. Watch music. I love it. Absofuckin' Lily. And you've come totally to the right place, Sam. Fun to have you on the show.
Starting point is 01:00:12 You could maybe be a bouncer here at Vulcan if you need a job. Or your tits can be bouncers here at Vulcan. True. Give them one of these. That's a real handmade leather joke by the great Adrian Cabazos. That is Sam Hunter, everybody.
Starting point is 01:00:28 Let's go back to this bucket. This shit's wild tonight. There's a... There's a special type of crazy in the air tonight. You guys feel it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. Make some noise for... Oh, okay. Zachariah.
Starting point is 01:00:44 Tourette's. Tip it. Tourette's. Tip it. I think he's been on the show before. Yeah, I do believe so. I can't quite remember what Zachariah Tourette's tip it looks like, which scares me.
Starting point is 01:01:00 All right. I'm not seeing any movement. I'm just going to pull another name out here. We don't have time. Jordan McDonald, your next on Kill Tony. Here we go. Jordan McDonald. Oh, okay. Jordan, you wait. You'll go next, Jordan.
Starting point is 01:01:18 Tourette's. Tip it. Made it. Yep. Jordan, you're next. You're next. Just relax over there. Here he is. Zachariah Tourette's. Tip it, everybody. What up? So, my name's Zachariah Tip it. Most people just call me Tourette's.
Starting point is 01:01:34 And I have Tourette's syndrome. So, by a show of hands, everyone in here know what Tourette's syndrome is? All right. This is going to be fun. So, here's a list of jobs that I tried to apply at that didn't really work out because of my Tourette's syndrome.
Starting point is 01:01:50 Trying to be a 911 operator. Didn't get that Walmart announcer job. Tried IHOP for about a week, but you know, flipping pancakes and Tourette's kind of looks like... Guess you can say that job didn't pan out. Thank you. See, after that,
Starting point is 01:02:20 oh, weird coincidence. They had a wild Karen walk up to me the other day in Walmart. She said, sir, are you all right? What's going on with you? I said, yeah, second COVID shot. Am I right? Fuck, I missed the punchline.
Starting point is 01:02:40 I lost faith in you halfway through that. Wow. Zachariah, welcome back to the show. I remember you, you've been on before. I love that I said there's a certain amount of crazy in the air before I brought you on stage. Because then it would look like I was talking specifically about you.
Starting point is 01:02:58 But no, I said that before you got up here. I like your style. Good to see you again. That is your tick. Is that what that's called in Tourette's? It's one of them, yeah. Last time we talked about the N word the whole entire time when I had that tick. Let's talk about it again now that my
Starting point is 01:03:14 friends are here. I mean, we could just rape him. That's true. I'm pretty sure he's down to fuck. Yeah, that was a good one. That's what we call a good one. Hot and fresh out the kitchen right there.
Starting point is 01:03:38 Zachariah, remind us how long you've been doing stand up. What do you do for work? I do this full time now. Last time I saw you. Appreciate it, thank you. I've been doing this yesterday was my first year in comedy. Wow, so you do stand up full time?
Starting point is 01:03:54 That's what you're saying? Did you like save a bunch of money from another job or something? Or how are you making money? With my gift. I do booked around a lot. I was at that Ice Cube concert in South Padra Island.
Starting point is 01:04:10 You performed at an Ice Cube concert? Really? What the hell did you do at an Ice Cube concert? No, it was like a comedy music festival. We knew the dude that was putting on the show was like, hey, you want to do some time? I was like, yeah, say less.
Starting point is 01:04:32 What's your living situation? I was in San Antonio. By yourself? No, I live with my girlfriend. How long have you two been together? About four years now. Anything a little bit wacky about her? I mean, it seems like you'd want
Starting point is 01:04:50 maybe she's an amputee or something like that. You guys, I love that noise, man. I don't know why. Most comedians love laughter. Aww. Is she totally normal, all of her fingers and whatnot? Oh, yeah. Only thing different, more depressed than me.
Starting point is 01:05:12 I'm a normal person. Jamar, go ahead. Yeah. Red Band, stop that. Don't make a fart noise while he's up here. Yeah, no. Why does the other person living inside of you
Starting point is 01:05:28 have gas? Like, what is that? The other person living inside of you? What's that about? Why does it make a fart noise? You think it's like malignant on Netflix? You think he has a tumor living inside of him
Starting point is 01:05:44 with its own brain? It's just like, fuck, all the time. Jamar, you put the neg in malignant. How does it work? Is there a good way? Thank you, Moses. I wanted to make that joke, but I couldn't. Is there any way you could describe
Starting point is 01:06:00 what having Tourette's is like so that normal people understand it? Yeah, I'm confused. For sure. Do y'all have that everyone sneezes and that uncontrollable you can't stop it? Stop it just happens? Just like that. Wow, that's wild.
Starting point is 01:06:16 And we talked about this before, but give us, because he told us before, I remember very clearly, that ticks change and they evolve. You were on the show months ago, right? Yeah, so mine is the second rarest form, I believe.
Starting point is 01:06:32 I have physical and verbal ticks, but my words change. Normally, people see Tourette's syndrome as, you know, I'm gonna bomb, bomb, bomb. That is, that is, but only 10% and less of people with Tourette's syndrome
Starting point is 01:06:48 actually have it that advanced to swear. Mine's kind of like normal, rare range, but mostly it's just like a that's like Did you just flex on Tourette's? I got that top shelf shit, my nigga. Yeah. Okay, like they ain't got what I got, okay.
Starting point is 01:07:04 I should fly. Like he wanted us to be like, oh, you different. Those other Tourette's people, they ain't got shit fuck bitch. By the way, do you work at Foot Locker? What is going on? Yeah, why are you dressed like you're training Manny Pacquiao for a fight?
Starting point is 01:07:22 It's that St. Louis blood in me, so. All right. That's where you're from? Oh, yeah. St. Louis. Okay. Do they know how Tourette's like, how it happens? Like did your mom snort at her all the whole time when she was pregnant or? Actually, we talked about that last time.
Starting point is 01:07:38 I'm a foster kid and I also wanted to say you compared me to the Me? No, yeah, Tony. The Tiger Woods of foster children. I really appreciated that. I did? What is that? What do you mean? What the fuck would I say that for? I don't know, but I really appreciated it.
Starting point is 01:07:54 All right. I must have been talking about his driving or something like that. Wow. That's the never time I come up here. I love it. You're a foster kid, too, though. Would you like to explain yourself to my foster brother? Wait a second.
Starting point is 01:08:14 Oh, you were adopted? Yeah, I thought you knew that Tony. No, no, I totally always thought you had two parents that always cared for you. Totally. Just like all the rest of you guys. That's how it always is
Starting point is 01:08:30 with your people. No, Tony, I'm a crack baby. Wait, tell me how many foster homes. Seventeen. Really? Holy shit. Chris DeLion loves his shit. Seventeen. Okay, all right.
Starting point is 01:08:48 Well, you're not getting canceled tonight. Yeah, it's not. You can't get canceled on this show. You have to do something. It has to look like it's spontaneous. Yeah, slap that guy with Tourette. Yeah. If you really want to get canceled, you have to do Red Band's Secret Show
Starting point is 01:09:04 every Thursday here at Vulcan. And that's where it was. That's where I was when that happened. Anyway. You guys can't fix Tourette's like it's impossible? The guy from Nexium did. So all you got to do is join a sex cult. No.
Starting point is 01:09:20 Go ahead. Do you actually think there's something he could do to get rid of this and he's just not choosing to do it? Absolutely. When did it? Does it start when you're a baby? Like, was your first word counter? Like, how does that work?
Starting point is 01:09:36 Can you do a baby? So, mine like Tourette's syndrome is hereditary, but on my father's side I didn't really know, but when I was seven years old I got West Nile, like we talked about last time. That was like a why it came in advance. Wow, seven years old.
Starting point is 01:09:52 Did your parents cuss a lot when you were growing up? Did they swear a lot? My mom did. Dad, I don't know yet. Wait, who is your dad? Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber? Have you seen Water Boy? Yes.
Starting point is 01:10:08 Okay, so I don't know my dad, but I don't know. Well, Zachariah, I like your style, man. Here's a joke book. Have a big joke book. Zachariah Tourette's. Do you ever write it? Do you ever, when you're writing,
Starting point is 01:10:24 do you ever accidentally like write fuck? I know, Michael J. Fott's handwriting. All right, all right. There he goes, Zachariah Tourette's. I don't know. He's got Tourette's. Meanwhile, he's the least crazy guy What are you pointing at?
Starting point is 01:10:40 You pulled out another name, remember? That's right. Thank you. It's right here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, because Tourette's took so long to get to the stage, I picked two names out of once. It goes by the name of Jordan McDonald. Jordan McDonald.
Starting point is 01:10:56 Here he is. What's going on, everybody? How y'all feeling? It's a hot take, but I don't date white women. There's nothing against white women. I think white women are gorgeous. I just talk too much shit about everybody.
Starting point is 01:11:14 And honestly, I can't be my white girlfriend and be like, babe, look at these bitches. Because imagine her reaction, right? What if she was like, yeah, babe, look at them? I'm like, fuck you mean look at them. What you mean look at them, Wendy? I think Drake is an interesting rapper. To me, Drake is the McRib at hip hop.
Starting point is 01:11:32 The McRib comes out like two or three times a year. Drake drops music like two or three times a year. Every time the McRib comes out, we get all in like, oh shit, motherfucking McRib is about to get one today. Every time that new Drake song drops, it's like, oh shit, Drake just dropped by the list of shit all day, nigga, the fuck?
Starting point is 01:11:50 But then like the third or fourth time of eating the McRib, you start to think, damn, I don't even think this shit a riff. And then like the fourth or fifth time listening to that Drake song, you're like, damn, this Jewish, oh. I feel like I relate to Drake though. Not because I'm Jewish, not because I'm a rapper,
Starting point is 01:12:11 but because our dad can say, nigga, but our moms can't. There you go, Jordan McDonald, everybody. All right. Welcome to the show, Jordan. You've been on once before. Yes, sir. Right? And how's it going?
Starting point is 01:12:27 How long ago was that? What did we learn the last time you were on this show? A month ago, y'all learned that I danced, y'all learned that I was born, raised on a blacking as cattle ranch. Yo, the same week my car got broken into, my fucking joke book got stolen, so. Really?
Starting point is 01:12:41 Yeah. Your big kill Tony joke book. My big kill Tony joke book got stolen. Well, unfortunately, we don't have any more left. It's okay. I put it out there. It's interesting, your joke, you compare the McRib to listening to Drake albums.
Starting point is 01:12:56 Yeah. Okay. I think, yeah. All right. It's for a specific crowd that both eats the McRib and listens to Drake albums. Very specific.
Starting point is 01:13:10 Didn't really clank that hard to these people. A lot of them drove from Flugerville to be here tonight. They make their own McRibs in Flugerville. They don't buy it from a janky McDonald's. I think Drake is one of the most overrated musicians.
Starting point is 01:13:27 Thank you. That I've ever, I know. It's true. I had a feeling one of you was going to get mad at me for that. However, I love Kanye's new album, so I guess I have weird taste. Okay, you're with me on that.
Starting point is 01:13:38 Am I right, Moses? You big Drake fan? I'm still stuck on Austin's black people. That's Rudy Huckstable. That's good. Like Austin keeps it weird, clearly, I mean. I thought it was Jasmine Guy. I swear to God.
Starting point is 01:13:54 It is a different world. Um... No, but I've met like three or four Austin guys and they all look like Prince. I mean, this is... But like Prince on meth. You know what I mean? Jordan McDonald, you have a white mother, correct?
Starting point is 01:14:10 Yeah, I got a white mother. Right. And you still communicate with them? Your parents? Yeah, we don't talk a lot a lot, but I still communicate with them. Okay. What does she do?
Starting point is 01:14:21 She just gives you hand-me-downs from her collection? Nah, she... My mom just kind of hangs out and shit, you know what I'm saying? Okay, she doesn't have a job. All right. He look like Bob Ross' illegitimate child.
Starting point is 01:14:36 I look like a lot of light-skinned niggas. You do, like a default light-skinned niggas, yeah. Yeah, that's one of my bits. Oh, my bad, my bad, my bad. The last time he was on the show, I told him he looked like an interracial Rhea Perlman. That was good. It's a deep cut.
Starting point is 01:14:52 Thank you. Black Angus cattle ranch. It just sounds like a racial slur. Yeah, man, I grew up in a very racist town, Sharma, Texas. What's the most racist thing that anybody's ever said to you? The N-word?
Starting point is 01:15:05 That's it. That's... Yeah, we've always... Tell you what somebody called me once. I got called that three times today. Not that light-skinned. He was like, no, he ran home and was like, they called me niggas finally!
Starting point is 01:15:18 Mama, I made it! He celebrated. Third grade was the first time... How many times has someone called you a cracker-ass cracker? Never. I've never gotten that... I've never gotten that before. That's a 50-50 chance.
Starting point is 01:15:31 It is. It is. I don't know. It's a good chance. Flip a coin. What was the context in which you were called the N-word? Was it like at a gas station? No, it was as...
Starting point is 01:15:45 I was third grade at the lunch room. Wow. The kid just said it to me. Well, wait a second. Did the guy have Tourette's? No. Because if he did, that don't really count. No.
Starting point is 01:15:55 You know what I'm saying? No, no, no, no, no, no. Somebody walked up to him and was like, this doesn't look like Eric Andre. He looks like Eric Andre. A little bit more feminine. That was cute. What other feminine qualities about you, Jordan,
Starting point is 01:16:09 other than the way that you dress and your hair and your earrings and your nose and... Man, look, look, you know, I've pulled a shorty wearing Capris before. I don't give a fuck. I'm cool with it. I'm comfortable with it. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 01:16:20 I'm a pretty guy. He's got a black dick. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I'm confident in my shit. Absolutely. I understand. What does a man like you wear
Starting point is 01:16:29 underneath overalls like that? Is there anything there? Some drawers. Bro, I just got some drawers on. All right. I feel like with your look, I feel like you could have like a leaf there or something like that.
Starting point is 01:16:39 I was just expecting something more exotic than drawers. Do you know what I mean? I love it. Jordan, so let's go through it real quick. Before I let you go, what would you say is the blackest thing about you? And then a follow-up question,
Starting point is 01:16:52 what is the whitest thing about you? Go right ahead. All right. The blackest thing about me is I can dance better than all the white people in here. Got mad rhythm though. Better than all the white people in here? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:17:06 Is there a white professional dancer? Is there a white professional dancer? Is there someone that knows... Is there one white person here that knows the special deal about you? We can dance battle right now. I'll give a fuck. I'm just kidding.
Starting point is 01:17:14 You look like you've never... It's him. Anybody? Does anybody know how to dance? Is there someone that knows how to dance? It's him. Come on up here real quick. Come on, boy band.
Starting point is 01:17:22 Get up here, boy band. Yeah. Come on, boy band. Do it. Do it. Do it. Does he know how to dance or are your boys just throwing you under the bus?
Starting point is 01:17:32 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 01:17:40 Oh, shit. Yeah. All right. Here he is. He's going to dance a little bit. Holy shit. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.
Starting point is 01:17:49 Damn. Oh, shit. Wow. I can't tell which one's whiter. Oh, shit. Wow. How do you rate it? Go on.
Starting point is 01:18:01 No, no, no. Hahaha. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, oh shit.
Starting point is 01:18:09 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Or do you like it? Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 01:18:18 Do you? Yeah, yeah. All right. All right. Can somebody handcuff Jesse Burr to a radiator or something like that? There's no reason, is it? The ball's on this fucking lady.
Starting point is 01:18:30 I'm about to sue her. Bro, she just bodied them though. Jesse, go find a seat and sit in it. You crazy bitch. You can trust my comedy instincts. I started tonight. Crazy fucking witch. That was pretty hot dancing.
Starting point is 01:18:54 Who won, in your opinion? Hold on a second. I got to talk to this fucking Macaulay Culkin stuntman over here. God damn it. Oh, my God. You mean Warriors head coach Steve Kerr? Yeah. You know, that's not the first time I've gotten that either.
Starting point is 01:19:08 I thought he was Guile from Street Fighter. Or Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. All right. All right. Hold on a second over here. Hold on. So what's your name? What's your name, buddy?
Starting point is 01:19:23 Jared. Jared? Jared. Jared. All right, Jared. What do you do? What do you do? What do you do?
Starting point is 01:19:31 What do you do? What the fuck are you? 21-year-old kid from Chandler, Arizona. Wow. What are you doing here in Texas right now? I got a job. What are you doing for work? Tech sales.
Starting point is 01:19:39 What a dork. How do you know these guys? How do you know these frat boys that you're with here tonight? Well, I work with them and that you described them perfectly, so. Right. Exactly. No, don't shake your head. How did they know that you could dance like that?
Starting point is 01:19:53 Do you guys hang out a lot? Well, I don't dance. First of all, and too, yes, we do hang out a lot. Wow. You know what happened? Is the EDM guy earlier set the bar so low for dancing that I saw you guys dance, and I'm like, wow, these guys can really dance. We're on the same swim team.
Starting point is 01:20:10 We date rape the same girls. You know us. My goodness. What are your parents like? You close with your parents? You look like the only person on this stage all night that's had both of your parents in your life. Thank you for the compliment, yes.
Starting point is 01:20:24 Moses got a gang of parents, actually. Yeah. But Moses from San Diego, that doesn't count. Go ahead. Yes, they are together and married for 21 years. They're only white as fuck. To be fair, they only got married because I was born out of wedlock, essentially. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 01:20:46 You're so white. You make Jordan McDonald look like fucking Don King over there. It's incredible. Reverend Jesse Jackson is the reference that I really wanted to use there. But OK, let's move forward. I'll take that as a compliment, though. What do you think is the, I'm going to ask you a reverse order of questions. And I ask him, what do you think is the whitest thing about you?
Starting point is 01:21:08 If you know you, yes, you jurid. If you had to pick something about you in which it's like, well, I make my own pancakes every morning or something wacky like that. What do you think is the white thing about, I've never used a washcloth in my life. What do you think the whitest stereotype white thing about you is? I wear new balanced shoes. Whoa, OK. All right.
Starting point is 01:21:36 I guess that's pretty white. OK, now follow up question. I'm real excited about this one. What do you think is the blackest thing about you? I'm a professional. Show him your chest. Oh, shit. Only God can judge me.
Starting point is 01:21:54 What's on his chest? What are you talking about? The blackest thing about me? Yeah. I like Drake. I don't know. That's like a white thing, though. It really is.
Starting point is 01:22:07 It really is. It's so funny. It's like a Nickelodeon guy. It doesn't even know what black shit is. I love that's how white you are. It would have been great if he was like, well, Tony, to be honest with you, I like stealing people's wallets. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Mexican still wallets too.
Starting point is 01:22:25 Yeah, that's true. That's true. I once had an Asian steal money from a crypto. All right. Jared and Jordan and McDonald, thank you guys so much for coming up here tonight. We're going to keep it moving along. Hey, Jordan, here you go. Take one of those things.
Starting point is 01:22:47 Brand new Kill Tony joke book for you since it's got stolen. I don't understand how something gets stolen out of a car in beautiful Austin, Texas. Should we get one more bucket pull up here, huh? I mean, you guys don't really seem into it. Should we keep going? Keep the energy up, you dorks. All right, Mo Lazz, M-O-L-A-Z. Your final comedian of the bucket of the night appears to be Mo Lazz L-A-Z.
Starting point is 01:23:31 Is anybody coming? Somebody moving over there? No. Okay. Wow. Interesting. Trey Pak. Everybody, Trey Pak will be your final bucket pull of the night.
Starting point is 01:23:44 Oh, here he comes. All right, here we go. Out of the swarm of local comedians. Trey Pak, everybody. My name is Trey. I think it's very cool that my mom decided to name me after my serving size. It's very cool. Thanks a lot, mom.
Starting point is 01:24:06 Trey is actually my middle name. My first name is Cafeteria. That's a family name, believe it or not, I guess. I think it's cat fishing for me to put my height in my tender profile. Yeah, because I'm tall, right? But I'm not your tall friend. You know what I'm saying? That's not the adjective you're using to describe me, right?
Starting point is 01:24:32 It's handsome, I know. I don't want to mislead anybody at all. So I think anyone that's going to be on tender should be required to put their square footage in their bio, okay? That's just the only thing that seems fair to everybody. The fucked up thing is that if I do want to cat fish you, it's going to be much easier than that, okay? This is America.
Starting point is 01:24:55 I'm just going to give you my weight in kilograms and my dick size in centimeters. Yeah, yeah. Like, I bet you're a pussy that you can't do conversions at midnight. You know what I'm saying? All right, that's it for me, guys. There you go. Straight pack. I liked you when you went up earlier in the night.
Starting point is 01:25:15 I'm glad that you're here again. Very exciting. Do you know Sam Hunter? Do you guys know that you are each other's fucking long lost brothers? We've just been back there sharing body heat. It's been a nightmare. What's that? We've just been back there sharing body heat for two hours.
Starting point is 01:25:32 Absolutely. Sam Hunter, are you still here? Come back up here, Sam. I want to see something. Oh, listen to the crowd wondering if the stage can handle such a... Wait, wait, wait. Oh, whoa, whoa. Tony, it's like three of these niggas.
Starting point is 01:25:47 Mumford is the same thing, too. What? Mumford, too. They're the kids. They're the family, man. He's not like this. Look at these two. I mean, this is absolutely incredible.
Starting point is 01:25:56 I do believe we found the new fucking greatest comedy duo of all time. We need to get you two to work together somehow. D-Madness is afraid the stage is going to collapse. He can't even see you guys. He just feels the vibration. He feels it. He feels it. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:26:14 That's the scary part. Nobody knows. If anyone was going to know that the stage was going to collapse, it would be D-Madness first. He's like the canary in the coal mine on this situation. If anybody feels the foundation wobbling, it's him. He can't even see, and he's like, these guys are too fat. I got to get out of here.
Starting point is 01:26:34 That's awesome. Absolutely incredible. Look at you two standing next to each other. It's like looking at a double zero or something like that or like some type of real life snowman or something. Can you make your tits dance like he does? No, I can't. I was very jealous, actually.
Starting point is 01:26:52 To be honest with you. Me, we have to fight in the parking lot now. The easiest tits were the only thing that could dance up here tonight. Do you have any special skills, Trey? You just stand right next to him, Sam. You just keep enjoying yourself. I don't, man. I just do stand-up.
Starting point is 01:27:06 How about set-ups? You ever do set-ups before? It's the second time in eight years. Never. Guys look like Nicki Minaj's Cousin Swollen Nets. It is incredible. So Sam, or no, I'm sorry. Yes.
Starting point is 01:27:23 No, Trey. What's his name? Trey Pak? That's my real name. Wow. That's fucking unbelievable. So this is what Bane looked like with his helmet off? Who?
Starting point is 01:27:33 Nobody. Oh my goodness. Can I have another jacket coat? What do you do for work, Trey? Nothing. I just moved here. I was doing bar security. I was a bouncer at home.
Starting point is 01:27:47 Damn. Just doing nothing right now. All right. And what are you going to do here? Just stand-up, man. That's kind of the idea. Just do it as much as I can. How are you surviving?
Starting point is 01:27:57 How do you people survive? Vitamin D. I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about COVID. When Hulk Hogan body slams you at that one wrestle medium. You think this is what John Feeble giant looks like? How do you survive? I just put some money away.
Starting point is 01:28:21 I moved here from Knoxville, Tennessee just to do this. Wow. How long ago did you move here? Three months ago. Three months ago. What do you love about Austin so far? There's just food everywhere. You can walk just down the street and there's food.
Starting point is 01:28:37 Come on now. You guys are here. It's the stand-up capital of the world. It's the greatest city in the world. I love it here. It really is. It really is. Wow.
Starting point is 01:28:47 Trey, what's your love life like? It's a nightmare. What do you mean? It's terrible. I have to stretch to have sex with myself. It's not great. I'll be honest with you. My goodness.
Starting point is 01:29:01 It's a problem. The last time you had sex with a girl, when was that? Yesterday. Really? Is that true? Where did you find this girl? It was actually Sam, believe it or not. It was great.
Starting point is 01:29:12 It was wonderful. No, it was just... I don't know. We bumped into each other just out and about on 6th Street. Really? Yeah. Literally, that's how you find girls? You just bump in them?
Starting point is 01:29:24 Like, excuse me? Or do I? She asked me to walk her to her car and I was like, alright, that's fine. I'm not going to run her down the alley. She asked you to walk her to her car? Yeah. It seems like the guy that you would want someone to walk you to your car with so that
Starting point is 01:29:39 a guy like you doesn't end up... See, I'm not running nobody down in an alleyway though. If she wants to get away, she can get away. That's a good point. Absolutely. Fucking take notes, ladies. Easy to get away from. It's hard to hide behind bushes when you're that big.
Starting point is 01:29:53 Right. It's hard to not make a noise if you're walking another hallway. I'm not coming out of the shadows on nobody. Was she a big girl also? No, she was average sized, I guess. Average sized? I would put it. Oh, boy.
Starting point is 01:30:09 I'm shaking. I don't have her dimensions or anything. Your average size is, I think, is different than a normal guy's average size. She would whip Tony's ass. I don't know if that means anything. I believe that. I believe that. I wouldn't want to fight her.
Starting point is 01:30:22 Did she, by any chance, have long blonde pigtails on a cow hat on? That was actually my mother. I appreciate the... Absolutely. I'm just... Absolutely. The milketh runneth over. Wow.
Starting point is 01:30:35 So, Trey, what's your guilty... What's the craziest shit that you eat? I like to eat a lot. I have fast metabolism because God loves me. Right. So, like, I eat, like, a fucking animal, man. I'll have, like, 30 soup dumplings out at a meal. Yeah, it's crazy.
Starting point is 01:30:52 I eat a lot. And I don't have worms, either, because me and Joe Rogan do keybump survivor mectin. So... I know what you're thinking. Where does it go? It comes out of my butt. But it seems like you hold on to a lot of what you eat. What's a guilty pleasure for you?
Starting point is 01:31:07 I'm just, you know, like, I'm gonna walk to my car and there's gonna be just a place that has food, and it's, you know, it's... The most... If I get too high, I will just go to McDonald's for the burgers and the fries, and then I'll pass the Taco Bell. No way. Oh, yeah. And then we do...
Starting point is 01:31:23 Yeah, we just start mixing and matching. Hell, yeah. You like to eat, like, Jesse Burr likes to say crazy shit, just all the time. How do you deal with all the pressure? You talking about blood pressure? I'm talking about his shoes. Like, how...
Starting point is 01:31:36 How do you deal with his shoes? How do you deal with all this? I have blown out every pair of Vans. No, I'm talking to your shoes. How do you deal with all this pressure? You are brave. They made Vans them as buses. Shit.
Starting point is 01:31:50 You soldiers. American heroes. Are your parents big? No. Well, not really. My dad's very average-sized. My mom used to be a big girl. She's not very much one anymore.
Starting point is 01:32:02 Okay. She's lost a ton of weight. Very proud of her. She's doing her thing. All right. How about you, Sam? Your parents eat a lot? My mom's dead.
Starting point is 01:32:12 My dad's a big guy, though. Perfect. Perfect answer. I don't know. I feel like it's every once in a while in this show pulling names out of a bucket. I feel like sometimes destiny puts something right on our plates.
Starting point is 01:32:28 Sorry to make you guys hungry again, but... I don't know. It's the very beginning of October. The guys this month aren't doing sober October. We once did a weight gain challenge on this show. Would you guys be interested in doing a weight loss challenge? And you guys come back for the first show in November and check in, and we see...
Starting point is 01:32:50 Yeah, but don't we have to weigh them first? I don't know. What do you think? Wait, wait, wait. Let's do... And the winner will get whatever your combined weights right now are. We'll raise money for it. What's your weight?
Starting point is 01:33:02 What's your weight? Are you serious? 450? All right, maybe like half of what you guys weigh. Jesus Christ. I thought we were going to give them like 500 bucks. Jesus. 1,000 bones for you?
Starting point is 01:33:14 How about you? Where are you at over there? I'm like 330. Really? Hold on. Stand next to each other. I want to use lion about something over here. It's easy to catfish when you have barbecue sauce on your fingers.
Starting point is 01:33:27 You know what I mean? You can't catfish, Uncle Tony. You know what I'm saying? I'll call you out. We have a scale here. Let's get a fucking scale up here right now. Yeah. Where's the Vulcan scale?
Starting point is 01:33:40 Yeah, we have a scale at this EDM club. Look at... Any drug dealers in... Look at... Look at those... Look at those calves. Yeah, we can only measure them in grams. Four million grams.
Starting point is 01:33:57 Maybe come back next week and we'll weigh them. The official weight... Calm down. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, maybe that's the move. You come back... I'm here every week. All right.
Starting point is 01:34:08 All right. We're going to have to get two scales, one for each foot. Oh, my God. Yeah, now I'm going to add together the feet. If they have their feet next week. Who knows? This could be gone at any given point. Yeah, you can't cheat.
Starting point is 01:34:24 You want to call my auntie and tell her sorry about her diabetes? Why would she? And you get it. And you get it. We both deserve it, but she got it. I'm sorry, bro. Wow. My goodness.
Starting point is 01:34:40 All right. Well, so much fun, Trey Pak. We'll see you... You'll weigh in next week. I don't know if we can have sets, but... Yeah, we'll figure out a good grand prize for these guys. Right? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:34:53 There you go. Trey Pak and Jordan McDonald. We're going to see them next week. They're going to weigh in. Oh, this guy wants to join the competition. Look at this guy. He's joining. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 01:35:03 Hell yeah. According to one of them, you only weigh 200 pounds. 150. Maybe we could get them a bunch of 3G edibles. You guys ready to turn this party up a fucking notch right now, huh? We have one final regular here to perform tonight. This guy is the longest serving regular in the history of Kill Tony. He's broken every record.
Starting point is 01:35:29 He is a monster. He's been opening up all week on for sure shows with me and Joe Rogan. He's an absolute killer. We love him. One of the best comedians in the fucking city with a brand new minute for you. This is the great William Montgomery, everybody. It's him, the big red machine, the vanilla gorilla, the Knoxville Strangler. This is William Montgomery.
Starting point is 01:35:59 I won part of the weight loss challenge. I got way too high up there earlier, so let's see how this goes. In case anybody was wondering, my grandfather emailed me last night and said they have an excellent Wi-Fi in heaven. Blaming Facebook for getting Trump elected is like blaming heavy metal for school shootings, meaning I agree 100%. This is a pretty good one. You know I always saw Barbie was from Arkansas.
Starting point is 01:36:34 Why? Because she married Ken. Like Ken Folk. The Austin Police Department will no longer respond to what they consider petty crimes such as vandalism, car wrecks, and burglary. That's good news for David Lucas as he can continue to steal jokes with impunity. He's stealing fucking jokes. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:37:07 No, I'm kidding. I don't think he is. I was just joking. And David's not even fucking here to defend himself. I'm taking a shot at him right now. Well, it doesn't come out for two weeks, so maybe he won't find out about it until then. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery, everybody? That's a brand new minute.
Starting point is 01:37:33 That's a brand new minute for the great William Montgomery. Out here doing the new jokes. Another brand new minute. That Barbie married Ken joke is a reach. And to think that beforehand you literally go, this is a great joke coming up here. I was thinking if I said that maybe people would laugh. I don't know again. Honestly, I was smoking.
Starting point is 01:37:59 William, that's literally the opposite of how comedy works. You sing. This next one is going to be great. It raises the bar and expectations. And then you do a joke about Barbie marrying Ken. Like Kinfolk. And Arkansas. Because she married Ken.
Starting point is 01:38:16 Right. She married Ken. And Alabama would be even a better reference than Arkansas. Well, I made a fucking mistake. Okay, that's I know. I made a mistake tonight. Again, I smoked way too much of a joint up there. I'm horribly on fucking edge.
Starting point is 01:38:31 I'm not even kidding. I'm badly on edge. That fucking joke didn't work. Now you're critiquing it up here. I feel horrible. I made a fucking mistake. It's okay. William famously got sober a few months ago and is now addicted to raisin bread, everybody.
Starting point is 01:38:46 How much raisin bread did you eat this week? I had three and a half loaves. I've also started making personal pizzas in the oven. Whoa, let's talk more about these personal pizzas. I've been eating this shit out of these personal pizzas. Tell us what brand, what type. You have to buy dough from the store, then you spread it out. You learned this from TikTok, didn't you?
Starting point is 01:39:09 What the fuck does that mean, Red Band? I don't know. Seriously, what the fuck does that mean? Red Band's TikTok algorithm is showing him how to make pizzas. That's like popular in TikTok right now, making your own little pizzas. I don't think you're right about that. Let's just stick on your... What are you actually eating?
Starting point is 01:39:23 Are you making your own pizza? Are you buying already made personal pancakes? I buy the sauce. I buy the cheese. I buy the onions. I buy the mushrooms. How many onions do you put in? I buy the peppers.
Starting point is 01:39:37 I buy the spinach. Okay, will you really? I buy the shrimp. I buy the t-bone. Oh, a t-bone on a pizza. I buy the macaroni. Okay. I buy the apples.
Starting point is 01:39:50 All right. Told you it was TikTok. Shut the fuck up. Why would you say that? That was starting to be kind of funny, and then you fucking say that. You threw me off. You're making supreme pizzas, William.
Starting point is 01:40:04 Do you know that? I am. They are super-supremes. All right. What else is going on in life? Oh, man. Just a bunch of ghost shit at my apartment. There are ghosts everywhere.
Starting point is 01:40:16 There are shadow people. It's almost Halloween. Now, just to let you guys know, what you're seeing right now, believe it or not, is not a joke. William is literally afraid of ghosts, and he's convinced that his apartment here in Austin, Texas, is haunted.
Starting point is 01:40:34 Tell us more about this, William. It has all kinds of shadow people in there. I'll be laying on the couch, and I'll see like a shadow out of the corner of my eye, and I'm like, what the fuck was that? That's a shadow person. Is that shadow? Just all the fucking time.
Starting point is 01:40:50 I see him out of the corner of my eye. Did the shadow people look anything like my friends like Tamar and Moses here? You speak up. Those goddamn shadow people moving into the neighborhood. Believing in ghosts is the most vain and narcissistic shit ever, and I was like, he's making a racial slur. This is a whole joke to make this racial slur.
Starting point is 01:41:10 Shadow people. I'm like, this is a good one, actually. I'm actually with her. Sounds like we're super here. They actually weren't as black as them, but close. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I wasn't thinking anything racial about that. How the fuck did y'all get to that?
Starting point is 01:41:25 Because you're saying you talked about your black counterpart. That was the last say. I was talking about fucking shadow people. Do you ever see anything other than shadows? Is there anything wacky that happens? You once told me something about a shower curtain. Is that correct? Yeah, I see shadow people on the other side
Starting point is 01:41:39 of the fucking shower curtains. Why do you keep looking at me when you say that? I'm not David Lucas. I write my job. I can't fucking believe you started accusing that of as a racist thing. That's fucked up. I'm talking about shadow people.
Starting point is 01:41:54 I'm not talking about black people. I wasn't even thinking that. Do you have schizophrenia in your family? What the fuck does that mean? Dr. Redband doing a little research on your hair. William. Jamar neighbors. Yeah, hi.
Starting point is 01:42:14 How old are you? I'm 34. Oh, all right. How come? What do you ask? Well, William's a special tree. He's a 34-year-old that looks like he could be his own grandfather.
Starting point is 01:42:25 It's very... Yeah. I was gonna say, he's like one of the four founding fathers of an Arby's. Is all of this because of the shadow people thing? I thought we were really talking about shadow people. Now I'm getting fucking roasted up here. I'm high as shit.
Starting point is 01:42:41 William, I... I already haven't felt good about it, and then this all starts fucking happening. William, I want to know more about these ghosts. In real life, can you give us an example of like, other than just seeing shadows out of the corners of your eyes? Was there a specific time that led you to believe?
Starting point is 01:42:56 Because this is something he brings up, right? We'll be like in the green room, and like, you'll be all in the phone, like, yeah, I saw more shadow people than they'll like be. Tell us more about this. These people deserve to know. You're the one that let the cat out of the bag. Anytime anybody brings up something that I leave
Starting point is 01:43:11 off the show, like you being afraid of ghosts, I get excited, and you brought it up. So now I want the people to find out. Just an example of something like a shadow person. I was in the fucking mall the other day, and a foot locker, and somebody took a pair of shoes, and... Wait, what? I thought then I was going to talk about a shadow person
Starting point is 01:43:36 inferring that it was a black person. I thought that's where that was going. Stop looking at me when you say that. I thought that's what was going on. William, I want to know more about ghosts. You said something once happened in the shower. Was that right? Yeah, I was in the shower, and I saw literally a shadow
Starting point is 01:43:56 out of the corner of my eye. And then what do you do in that situation? Do you get out of the shower? Do you just keep staring at the empty doorway? Like, what goes on? No, I mean, I'll shut my eyes. I will shut my eyes. So then that's black.
Starting point is 01:44:10 Wait, what do you mean that's black? I mean, that's the same color as a shadow. Are ghosts like white? Well... Oh, I see you as shadow people. I don't know what. Oh, you don't see color when it comes to ghosts. That's not what I said.
Starting point is 01:44:30 How defined are these shadows? It is like the shape of a human, or is it just like, does it look like an upside-down trash bag? Does it look like the shadow of your girlfriend walking by? What the fuck does that mean? Yeah. The fuck does that mean? Let's go back to the question that I asked you
Starting point is 01:44:49 right before Red Band chimed in. I mean, I will be just laying on the couch, and I will see a shadow out of the corner of my eye. You're not really saying anything other than a shadow out of the corner of your eye. I asked you, like, is it defined? I don't see, like, a person. I don't see, like, a person.
Starting point is 01:45:08 It's literally, like... Sounds racist. What did you say? Define these shadow people. There's, like, 6'1". He's got a hat with, like, a sunshine on it, you know? William, a weaker... At the corner of my eye,
Starting point is 01:45:24 you're looking like this side-eye mansion. This Civil War re-enactment thing. Why didn't we even start talking about shadow people? I meant nothing by it. Oh, no. Yeah, this could be big trouble if you ever get cast on SNL or something one day. They're gonna look back at this and be like,
Starting point is 01:45:43 what is that he's doing? Someone's gonna be like, it's comedy. Okay, yeah. William, really fun. You know what? When you used earlier, when you're like, I think I got too high upstairs. I was like, oh, that's funny.
Starting point is 01:45:58 He's, like, being silly. I literally got way too fucking high up there. Yeah, yeah, I think maybe... I think maybe you kind of maybe sorted it tonight. I agree with you. Yeah, it turns you into a rapist. I mean, racist, racist. I'm the rapist.
Starting point is 01:46:13 I mean, we've established that already. William, what do you think you look more like? A rapist or a racist? Because you do. You look like both. Again, it's another... It's very interesting. I don't know, man.
Starting point is 01:46:27 Between a C and a P. We're so close. He's a rapist? A racist rapist? Yeah. He's like, I only rap Asians. Probably a racist, I would guess. What?
Starting point is 01:46:37 Probably a racist. All right. I wonder what the lady... I don't know, what would you say? I wonder what the ladies think. How about you? You think he looks more like a racist or a rapist? Okay, this lady says rapist.
Starting point is 01:46:49 Cool. How about the... I'll take that. Which type of person would you let fuck? The rapist in him or the racist in him? Bro. Jamar, that's really... Yeah, that's a...
Starting point is 01:47:03 It's really just for your entertainment. Hey, I'm trying to get canceled. Nigga, what the fuck? Sorry. All right. Anything else that we should know about or anything else crazy going on in the world? I want to let everyone know Amy Oh actually died
Starting point is 01:47:21 this past week. Oh, wow. She is no longer with us. She was a wonderful woman. I'm so glad our paths crossed. Wow. She's right over there, actually. She's sitting right there.
Starting point is 01:47:33 What? I didn't mention that. Amy. For those of you that don't know, Miss Amy Oh was pulled out of the bucket a few weeks ago and until tonight was considered the craziest woman in the history of the show. It is...
Starting point is 01:47:46 You know, this is such a fucking mentally unstable episode of Kill Tony. I'm almost tempted to bring Miss Amy Oh up here to do a minute of crazy to end it. Should we do it? All right. You stay on stage up here, William. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute
Starting point is 01:48:02 from Miss Amy Oh, everybody. And then we're done. Oh, fuck yeah. The clock has started, Miss Amy Oh. Y'all needed to learn something again, didn't you? I want me up here to teach you. Well, I'm gonna teach you something here. I'm gonna teach you something.
Starting point is 01:48:23 I, when I was in prison, one day they called me up front to the picket and they said, hey, get on that bus because we found out you're gonna be a good teacher because you got hemorrhoids. You got hemorrhoids and John Steely Hospital. They have a class. They need to learn how to remove hemorrhoids.
Starting point is 01:48:42 So I got on the bus. I got on the bus. I brought my hemorrhoids with me. I got down there. You know where hemorrhoids are, don't you? Well, they got me up in that stirp, you know, and that whole class was back there studying, studying and they learned how to take out my hemorrhoids.
Starting point is 01:49:01 And you know what I found out? I found out it's possible that Norm McDonald had the same doctor that was learning how to take out hemorrhoids because I just heard on an old letterman that was running since he died because the same age as me, he had hemorrhoids taken out. And I think I trained that doctor with my own hemorrhoids.
Starting point is 01:49:24 What do y'all think? All right, all right, all right. Miss Amio, I don't know what the fuck. I picked the wrong day to stop drinking, man. I quit drinking last week. Miss Amio, up here. You are... Amy, I loved it.
Starting point is 01:49:39 Oh, you two are still extra close here. I thought that was great. The Big Red Machine and the Medium Magenta Queen. I just wrote that the other day, by the way. Yeah, we know Miss Amio. Miss Amio, it sucked. It did not. They laughed.
Starting point is 01:49:59 Not really, but Miss Amio... Well, if they laughed at me, they still laughed. Miss Amio, this has been such a crazy episode of Kill Tony. Did you see that lady earlier that was up here with the pigtails and the cowhide? Actually, I saw her across the street and I knew the way she was dressed that she was heading this way.
Starting point is 01:50:16 I did. I was not surprised. What do you think people think when they see you crossing the street, too? Come here. When I'm with William, they don't mind at all. Well, I just want to let everybody know. I thought that was great.
Starting point is 01:50:29 I thought it was a wonderful man. You two look like you're going to shoot a porno called Breaking Bed. Because you're fat and she looks messed up. That's why that one works for me. So you got hemorrhoids? They never came back and I never went back to prison either. Uh-oh.
Starting point is 01:50:50 What? Me, too. Me, too. Can I let him smoke crack again today? Wait, did you just say you smoked crack again? No, not since prison. No. Okay. But you do other drugs.
Starting point is 01:51:01 Am I correct? Well, I quit drinking after episode 524 when I fucked up my jokes all over the floor. Wait, you sobered up because of something that happened on Kill Tony? Yes. Wow. Look at that.
Starting point is 01:51:16 Changing people's lives. My husband did not know I had been drinking. Wait, wait, wait. Your husband did not know what? That I had been drinking because I kind of picked it up with comedy again. Oh, shit. I was sober for over 17 years.
Starting point is 01:51:31 Oh, wow. Oh, okay. So Kill Tony also made you break 17 years of sobriety. No, no, no, no. This is what's wild. We can help you. We can push you and pull you back in again. That's well.
Starting point is 01:51:42 You can take it. Amy fucking doesn't need any help. We are doing good. She doesn't need any help. What do you guys do? You guys sleep together? We've been going to the zoo a bunch. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 01:51:57 He really is in love with my puppet if you want to know the truth. Did you bring your puppet with you? One of the worst puppeteers of all time, everybody. The only puppeteer I've ever seen whose lips move more when the puppet talks. Really, I mean, it's just unbelievably terrible. Oh, my God, there's a gun in there.
Starting point is 01:52:16 William, William, share the microphone with her for a second here. Wait till you guys see how stupid this is. Oh, what in the white face? All right, do your puppet. I'm offended. Worst puppeteer of all time, everyone. Go ahead.
Starting point is 01:52:36 Let's see some bad puppetry. Hello, my name is Hope, and I don't do dogs. We don't understand anything you're saying. I know, I know. Because you're not good at it. You're literally the worst, Amio. Yeah, I know it's you. I have a whole bag of them out in my car that I made.
Starting point is 01:52:54 You have a bag of puppets? Yeah. You make those? I used to make them in prison. I told you. I did, I did. I would send them home to my children. And remind everybody what you went to prison for.
Starting point is 01:53:14 $20 with a crack cocaine the government sold me. Yep. Can I, can I, can I call my mom? I got 20 years, yep. That's Texas. Can I call my mom? Can you tell her your story? Please, I would love to talk to your mother.
Starting point is 01:53:31 She gonna get mad, she gonna get mad, she gonna get mad. Never mind, never mind. If the puppet talked to Jamar's mom, what would it say? I am not a real puppet. That's me, everybody. I don't know. But I mean, my son, my son told me not to bring this up here. But William, do you want to try?
Starting point is 01:53:52 Hey, William, will you kiss that puppet? How many do you think William should kiss the puppet to end tonight's episode? Wow, this is the first time a puppet's ever been kissed. God, and why did I get so high before this and now I'm standing up here next to Amy with this fucking thing on my hand? Puppet to the crowd, William.
Starting point is 01:54:12 Let's see some puppetry. I mean, I got way too fucking high earlier. I'm not kidding. I love Amy. I'm so happy she's with me again. I told she had died. That's what she told me. She was about to die.
Starting point is 01:54:36 You're worse than her. I mean, maybe it's his mustache. I didn't see his mouth move at all. Yeah, I don't think it was moving. That's wild. Absolutely wild. How about a hand for William Montgomery and Miss Amy? Oh, everybody, we did it.
Starting point is 01:54:54 That's tonight's episode. Unbelievable chaos. Come on, make some noise for William Montgomery, everybody. Come on, make some noise for my friends, Jamar neighbors, and Brian Moses, huh? Comedy store people. They're probably all moving here to Austin. It's just going to be a couple more months.
Starting point is 01:55:15 And how about one more time for the band, everybody? That's John Dees, The Madness, and Michael Gonzalez. That's another one. The great drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, and it is unbelievably cool. Can you make that bigger? There we go. Look at that.
Starting point is 01:55:37 Absolutely unbelievable. Everything's available, ryanjebelt.com. Super cool. Oh, yeah. And we have some local art by the great Chris Rogers here, a local artist. This is a William Montgomery it hybrid, paying homage to what's on the wall upstairs
Starting point is 01:55:57 in the smoking section, which he also drew. He is the local artist, Chris Rogers Art on social media. Be sure to check out Rose Battle at Mint Comedy. That's every Tuesday. They're recording it at the comedy store, streaming it out of the comedy store. And follow Jamar neighbors on everything, social media, and check out all of his amazing work, comedy albums,
Starting point is 01:56:22 everything. And yeah, Austin, Texas, we love you. This was another fun one. We'll see you next week. We're going to do it again every Monday. Here in Austin. Good night, everybody. Thank you.
Starting point is 01:56:59 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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