KILL TONY - #528 - HANS KIM

Episode Date: October 23, 2021

Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Matthew Muehling, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 10/11/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company in Austin, Texas for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Austin, you got to make more noise than that. The people at home have to know what the fuck's going on here. Are you guys ready for a great night tonight or

what? Oh shit. Here we go. How about a hand for the band everybody, huh? Unbelievable. That is the screwball peanut butter whiskey band. How about a hand for my friends, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Mueling on guitar. The great D Madness on the bass over here. And my good friend John Deese on the keys everybody. We're doing this shit tonight, Red Band. This is Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs on the planet of Earth. We're all filled up on CM Smokehouse thanks to our friends from CM Smokehouse of Bolden Acres and Cade and Yoni and we've been

drinking canteen and cantina. Delicious vodka soda and margaritas in a can. It's really so good. A lot of those can drinks, you know, it just doesn't feel like a real mixed drink. Cantina and cantina, it's different. Be sure to subscribe to the show is what I was told by one of my advisors to start saying if you're on YouTube right now click the subscribe button. All the kids are doing it. That's a really big deal. Before we start tonight's show here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, you know what's up? Three Chi and Kill Tony together yet again

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about the charging stand. Show off your mouth loud and proud because the intelligently designed stand is convenient charging dock which powered by USB. Look, if you're listening to us speak right now, I want you to experience it firsthand for yourself. Trim that junk of yours. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code killtony at manscape.com. Your balls will thank you and so will we. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code killtony at manscape.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscape.com and use the code killtony. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Alright, every single week we give

you one of the best comedians or sometimes two of the best comedians. Sometimes you never know what's gonna happen here. One of the cool things about this show is that this guest seat while often filled with extremely famous powerful comedians. Another thing that we like to do here just as we introduce you to comedians as we pull them out of the bucket. One of the things we do with this guest spot is expose you to some of the brightest comedic talent in the world before other shows do. I like to think we were the first to tell you that Tim Dillon's gonna be one of the biggest comedians in the world. I think we had

Shane Gillison way before a lot of the big shows did. This is one of those episodes that you're gonna say I was there when that guy wasn't even that famous yet. He was the guest on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest is Hans Kim everybody. His first ever time on the panel. The little baby is growing up right in front of our very eyes. He was made irregular just a few months ago and now he sits here at the table. My how they grow so fast. Thank you Tony for this huge honor. I will not I will not dishonor my Kill Tony family. Thank you very much Hans. We're very excited to have you. You famously

have taken the show over by storm writing and performing a brand new minute every single week. You've made out with over 23 strippers on the show. You've made out with 14 normal girls. Don't laugh gentlemen your girlfriend could be next. This guy is an absolute machine has more antibodies than anybody in Austin. We've tested and we're very excited to have you here Hans. I'm excited to be here and if comedian bombs you have to kiss me. Yeah we're gonna have some fucking fun tonight. You guys ready to start this show? Austin I'm gonna say it again you have to do better than that. Are you guys ready to start

this fucking show or what? We are the number one live podcast in the world. It's all about stand-up comedy people. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to perform 60 seconds on this stage. You know there's 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Ryan Jay E. Belt is in Los Angeles drawing tonight's episode he draws every single episode he draws every single tour poster that's all available Ryan Jay E. Belt dot com including Kill Tony the bingo cards where you can play bingo while watching the show and follow

along see if you get bingo. So a bunch of people signed up. You guys ready to meet a stranger? Your first comedian performing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. We shall start with chaos. Ladies and gentlemen in a bucket that I cannot control. The first name I pull is Miss Amio. Wow. It says Supergirl Miss Amio slash Supergirl. Wow this show is crazy. Halloween's in two weeks guys. Trick or treat. I have no idea. Hans I'm gonna bomb so I can kiss you. Is that okay? Yeah I can do that. Oh shit I'm fucking mind blank. Can I just stand here and look cute? Y'all want to know why I'm Supergirl?

I'm gonna tell you why because I love to emulate awesome fucking women. Don't you love awesome women? And even though I'm Karen concealed tonight I really do. I really do feel good about being up here on the Kill Tony show and I am dropping a blank right now because I've never been first. I'm always last. My whole life I've been last. I was last to make parole and here I am. Thank you for me. Crazier than ever Miss Amio everybody. Holy shit. For those of you that don't know Miss Amio made her debut on this show about a month ago. She's been on twice since then. Very lucky with this bucket. I don't know what kind of voodoo

she's doing. I'm still pregnant with William's baby so I have to be careful. Miss Amio you are crazier than shit. I'm glad you're back on the show. When I saw you I thought it's a crackhead. It's a meth-meth-head. Oh it's Supergirl. You do look like you got changed in a phone booth tonight though. So very authentic Supergirl outfit. Miss Amio what made you dress like that tonight? Well I was at the Goodwill in Flower Bluff down in Corpus Christi and I found this for $2.99. Wow. You can't beat that. And I love DC characters and I had to call my brother-in-law to find out which frickin universe I'm from. So I didn't. Because I

don't really watch them. I thought I was marvellous. Shut the fuck up Miss Amio. I will do that. I'll tell you I gotta be honest. Miss Amio I gotta be honest with you. With that wig if someone had 15 shots of tequila you're actually pretty fuckable. I mean drink canteen and cantina. It's canned margaritas and vodka sodas. What do you think Hans? Am I fuckable? Oh no. I have a rule. Miss Amio. I have a rule. Miss Amio. Miss Amio. Miss Amio. Hello. How are you? You're on a live show. How's it going? I'm gonna ask Hans Kim what he thought about your performance so you shut the fuck up while that happens. I wish Miss Amio

spent as much time on her jokes as her outfit. Whoa. Hans Kim. Wasting no time. A lot of people are saying Hans is already in the running for guest of the year after that one reference. Miss Amio anything crazy happened in your normal life this week? Yes. Lots of crazy things are happening. Really they are. My mother who's still alive in the nursing home. Yes. I took her outside the other day to watch the sunset and she discovered that there still is a sunset. Wow. You are wild as shit. Miss Amio what's your sex life like? We know you have a boyfriend that is seemingly mad at William Montgomery for

making jokes about hooking up with you. Is this guy banging you or are you sexually active? What's going on down there? I actually I mastered masturbation so you know I'm very self-sufficient and I have a very lucky husband. What do you use to masturbate with? A swiffer or something like that? Get all the dust out first you got a fucking. Okay you're gonna ask the question and I'm gonna answer the question but if you will allow me I will tell you in prison. Oh I'm talking too much for you. It's that it's that train thing again I forgive me but the question I would like to answer in prison how did I masturbate? How

did you masturbate in prison go right ahead? Very very carefully and quietly so it's not a gang bang you know and and and they used to y'all your tax dollars used to send in little tiny tubes of toothpaste about this big you know and this is a real human being everybody. We didn't like tell her what to do or anything. But that's your tax dollars at work guys. All right. That's your tax dollars at work. Free dildos thank you. For those of you just listening to the podcast not watching the video a lot of the audience members are vomiting right in their seats right now picturing Miss Amy O masturbating within anything

whatsoever. I was cuter then. Amy how do you make money how do you survive? I own an 18-wheeler with my husband and we drive in the oil field. I hate us I just do the paperwork and I miss him a lot yeah. You miss your husband a lot. Yeah well William helps. What? William Montgomery helps the dark hours. Gotcha all right Miss Amy O. Get a little bit more insane every time I see you. I like your style it seems as though you're having a lot of fun with the show and I'm glad that very clearly this show equal opportunity anybody can get pulled out of that bucket and you are proof of that. How about one more time for Miss Amy O

everybody that's a new minute for Miss Amy O. We're gonna keep the show moving along. Oh shit. Hans you want to give her a little kiss? Yes. You guys think Hans should give her a kiss? Give him give her a little kiss go ahead. Wow all right Hans get back here. Hopefully you guys sold your stock on Hans right before that. I think her kryptonite is punchlines. I've heard of a cold sore but you might get an old sore. That's the original strand of herpes right there he just got the OG none of these variants. Miss Amy O got herpes during Woodstock one. Your next comedian goes by the name of Dale Turk everybody here we go. A brand new minute

from Dale Turk. Vulcan cast company how we doing? Halloween's coming up and I have a confession to make my wife's a witch and I said witch not bitch she is but that's a different joke and it usually doesn't bother me but there was one morning I woke up early as I do because I work she doesn't because witch and I was going through my laundry basket to get my underwear my socks everything I needed and I reached in and my hand just crumpled on this soft laundry and I go what the hell is that? I move it to the side and there's just just a plethora of rocks so I go all right move them to the side reaching again my hand crumples

again and I go all right something's gonna happen here later but I don't have time so I move my side one more time reach in my hand crumples again and now I'm pissed I run back to my bathroom boot the door open go why is there a rock lasagna where my underwear is supposed to be my wife wakes up what they go I'm not a geologist why are there rocks where my socks are and she's wiping her eyes and trying to wake up the socks and rocks sweetie I don't know I got stoned last night and I was like typical witch always getting stoned thanks a lot guys holy shit Dale Turk making miss Amy Oh look like Richard Pryor up here holy shit

man what the fuck was that is this your first time doing stand-up comedy I've been doing about six months six months okie-dokie yikes my goodness Dale wowie where have you been doing comedy for six months exactly Austin Texas ok how's it been going for you about that good yeah what made you want to start stand-up or people telling you that you're funny no not at all ok what made you want to do this how old are you I'm 31 what do you do for work I am a line cook at a bistro 31 right yes ok very good line cook at a bistro and what made you start now long story short I was a well I don't think you really know how

to make long story short pretty sure you're the last person I would trust to make a long story short go ahead long story short what I after got out of the army I bought a house and the just the home life wasn't really working so my wife and I sold the house had a little bit of money to come down here and get a fresh start so you were in the army I was ok what what did you do in the army my guess is bomb I'm kidding I'm kidding that jokes that jokes been set on the show 375 times but it's it works every goddamn time you know what I'm saying Texas what you do in the army I was a mechanic wow ok what did you fix

everything everything that had wheels tanks have tracks so I didn't do that but everything else that had wheels ok awesome and now what now what do you do like what do you do for fun I like to paint and draw I play video games that are really old run I mean I'm just kind of a where do you run around in circles really fast if I can find one your helmet on Dale Turk any fun facts about you like your family or anything like that what do your parents do my parents are both teachers my dad's a retired major from the military we adopted two kids they adopted two kids a couple years ago so I have some adopted siblings in

my life okay because they didn't get fulfilled when they had you as a sign they're like we need to we need to get some real fucking kids we'll do anything it's like a lottery Dale's out here bombing everywhere just fucking eating shit sandwiches no I'm pretty sure my dad hates me he when I got back from the Army he said two things to me in the same month one month he was like I'll give you $10,000 to move to North Dakota oil fields and start over and I was like where the fuck did we get $10,000 we live in a tiny house and a couple months later I think you asked too many questions I know I think you should have

taken the money and run my friend he definitely didn't say here's $10,000 go start stand-up comedy in Austin Texas a highly competitive market for stand-up comedy all right and then not too long after that he sat me down as a mother and I've been talking and we really think it'd be good for you to get deployed thanks a lot dad yeah sounds like your dad's a major asshole it's true it's true what rank did you get up to in the Army I was a specialist okay all right that's what they just get call mechanics for the honestly for the most part yeah it's kind of this like it's the last rank you get before you actually get like

command of anything did you ever have to do any combat or anything like that like this is the mechanic ever get a gun or anything or is it just like Dale hurry up we need you on the tire right away we got a flat tire yeah it was it was a lot of just regular just maintenance on the vehicles I did I was part of the Hemet record team and that's basically this glorified tow truck wow okay okay Dale wow where'd you meet your wife I met my wife in Boston about seven years ago God she's from Boston she's from the North Shore oh that's the worst yeah the did she have the accent this no thank god her dad does oh she doesn't have the

accent wow look at that what do you do you beat it out of her something like that wake up dad it's the fucking worst what does she do for work she she's a witch what does she do for work she's a witch what is the fuck Dale what does that mean Dale she uh she reads tarot cards professionally she makes spell jar she sells her trinkets and stuff oh my god dude you think this would all help you with your act a little bit like I think maybe she could fucking switch your luck around or something like that she's how's her hygiene how low is her hygiene she's not a hippie she she keeps herself clean really doesn't smell like a witch's

brew down there one cup of burnt child hair it's one of the sound effects is an official witch laugh all right Dale anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you head back to obscurity nothing that comes to mind right now Dale Turk everybody there he goes this kill Tony debut Dale here you go take one of these little joke books you're a long way from a big joke book my friend I mean absolutely incredible thanks to bones I for these joke books yeah the great bones I Adrienne Kovazos follow him on Instagram at bones I with a Z in the middle bone Z I your next comedian is Colin O'Mara everyone

Colin O'Mara I heard a little bit of a pop from the comedian section so this might be promising here normally they only support really funny people oh we know this guy here he is third time on the show it's Colin O'Mara everybody yeah how's it going yeah so my dad died four years ago last month hate to change the mood it was September 10th you know so the comedian in me is like one more day and I get a way better joke out of this you know I'm talking about I'm like I wait a little you know you know the worst part is he killed himself sorry to bring it up you know but it's like you know and he did it at like 11 o'clock on

September 10th p.m. and he was 63 years old so I was like you waited 63 years what's 63 more minutes you know talking about I'm like you know fucking home that's dad depressed you know I mean if I can what are you gonna do just mourn I guess I don't think we're gonna get a black pope not not cuz of racism or anything it's just like black people don't fuck kids like that you know talking about like kind of like a white guy thing you know right sir you don't talk about yeah you look you know he knows I'm talking about yeah yeah it's kind of like a white guy thing you know every time I say that everyone's like what about Michael Jackson

and I'm like yeah they said Mike was fucking kids after he was white case in point you know I'm talking about and our Kelly our Kelly deserved to get canceled I'll say it for appropriating the white man's culture you know I'm talking about fucking kids white man's game thank you there you go Colin O'Mara with a good joke there at the end the old black pope joke yeah it's a really good point really smart thank you that's true why do you think it is the black men you know what I'm gonna ask Hans Kim this question Hans why do you think it is that black men don't molest very often right because they're being molested

by society oh there you go there Hans always has good answers to things like those Hans one of the wisest young men that I know that's why I asked that's why I asked Hans the tough questions an absolute genius Colin see your father killed himself on September 10th at 63 years old shot himself in the head is that correct yeah we talked about it last time yeah no I remember yeah we're all hoping that the last comedian follows in your father's footsteps no my dad was successful so yeah yeah no in the last guy he probably missed shoot his goddamn ear off you know what I'm saying so Colin what else September

10th is that a special date for you do you ever do anything to celebrate your father's suicide pretty much just the usual you know just you know just right I didn't like this year came up and I was like oh shit yeah I mean I was like you know what do you think Hans did your dad molest you no no I never got molested people ask all the time no you two aren't really white yeah yeah I was an altar boy for years to not fucking you just don't remember it man you it'll take you a couple of years yeah could be it could be here you could have been the first one to shoot him in the head you know what I'm saying because I've

come now we're all now we're all in Austin oh I feel bad now I came to a comedy show to feel bad yeah it's funny like that first joke as well with like comics a lot of times audience members just get sad and then like last time I was on people come up to me like I'm really sorry to hear about your dad and I was like I don't fucking know you you know what's up with your mom was chilling you know she's cool you talk to her often yeah call her like every other day or something like that I got two older brothers yeah two older brothers what do they do both unemployed I think how do you make a living

how do I oh actually where's Jack at Jack works here I don't know where he's at over here calling a job at a moving place I'm starting on Thursday because never last time I was on couldn't fucking where are you starting on Thursday moving place moving moving moving company you're going to move stuff yeah okay for money all right and then I cut hair on the side I used to do that back home too but like I said before I don't have a license so I can't actually be a real barber so I just cut comics and shit like that very interesting what's your love life like Colin you seem like a real douche bag

yeah one girl tend to love guys like you I'm interested to see how honest thank you so much yeah I'm single yeah this can be yeah how often you get laid Colin honestly I'm just more surprised you not well not often because I get whiskey dick all the time it's like a recurring thing yeah it's happened twice since I came here and I was like you know so what happened twice whiskey dick you know okay I get too drunk to have sex oh yeah but we remember from past episodes he drinks like ridiculous yeah he said like full cups of Jameson yeah yeah and now like fans from the show will recognize like you're the fucking Jameson guy I'm

like stop you know I feel like a hot girl at a bar because they come up to me and they buy me drinks now I'm like holy shit yeah they still try and fuck me you are one of the hottest girls at this bar look around yeah alright Colin you've been on the show a bunch quite frankly I'm completely sick of you but there you go you got another good minute in I really like your black pope joke congratulations we're gonna keep it moving there goes Colin O'Mara we're on pace to set a record for most bucket pools ever in a show you guys want to do this shit tonight probably one there's probably I'd imagine one of the road

episodes we probably went crazy all right your next comedian is Dave Cajiano David Cajiano America this food shit here he comes a very confident steady walk this is Dave Cajiano stop Austin hell yeah my dad's a cop I'm a firefighter either one of us are valedictorian yeah I come from like a like a long line like construction workers you know but we were never the project engineer we were always the bricklayer you know like we were the always guys like can no like figure out how to put like a rectangle on top of another rectangle like that's as far as we got like we're not smart like I'm

Italian but I don't think I'm related to any like great inventors like Leonardo DiCaprio or whatever you know I'm pretty sure my ancestor was the guy that like cut the marble into a giant block before Michelangelo turned it into a masterpiece you know he lived in ancient Rome but talked to the Boston accent it's like what do you named it David what's he fucking carving himself a boyfriend he's not even union you know he's not even union a fucking scab dude I'm so dumb and blue-collar my ancestors biggest hang up with Michelangelo wasn't that he was gay it said he was a non-union painter all right guys I'm

Dave Cajiano thank you Dave Cajiano welcome to this show Dave how are you my friend I'm all right how you doing so you're a firefighter here is that here in Texas no I'm Boston area oh you're from Boston yeah wow this weekend I performed at the Boston Garden have you ever heard of that before Boston Celtics and the Boston Bruins so Boston yeah that's unbelievable for a Rogan yeah yeah I heard it was sick yeah just wanted to let you know what the fuck is that you're from that place but meanwhile yeah I work in the fucking bleachers in the back with the scumbags that's me that's right you're a real firefighter yeah okay

were you there for like the Boston Marathon a few years ago I worked on an ambulance not that I was I was in college when that happened you save people's lives before I mean I try dude I do my best geez that does not sound confident at all oh I just told you I'm dumb I'm not the kind of guy that would do CPR to your throat I mean I tried Tony what do you want me to do I saved lives I mean that's a stretch come on I was thinking about nothing better than an Italian paramedic right this fucking guy I was thinking about today like someone dying in like as they're losing consciousness the last thing they hear as

they go it's like a Boston accent it's like I think he's having a fucking hot attack they're like I'm fucked I'm fucked yeah that does that sounds like hell wow and your dad's a cop he's a real cop Boston cop Boston area yeah hell yeah homicide detective for a while okay okay does he ever did it was he like a real dad cop growing up did he ever put his like knee on the back of your neck yeah I come from a long line of PTSD so long yeah oh you guys have been hit before what's up what about mom what's mom up to mom was a flight attendant real estate agent community college grad shout out mom wow you were

doing so good and they're right at the end you basically called her a dumb bitch geez she sounded pretty smart everybody she's a community college graduate that's impressive in Boston yeah that's true that's true even though Harvard is in Boston I guess that's impressive Dave what do you like to do for fun I run comedy run comedy is that you really well we've been looking for you I got paid I was a paid regular at the comedy store 10 years ago and what what are you gonna do with me you fucking run comedy huh I was uh yeah I was open at the garden for Rogan you hear how quiet it got when you said that Dave

what's your love life like you're a firefighter anybody going down your pole hose jokes pole jokes actually just went through a breakup so that kind of sucks okay what happened there how long were you with this broad three years the Boston she's a fighter I mean I have to call her a broad right she's a lovely if I said what happened with this girl he'd be like who we talking about yeah how long were you with her for three years three years what happened there at the end she said that you weren't taking it seriously enough she wanted a ring around the finger something like that generally I was pretty you know a lot

of firefighters we have commitment issues yeah no shit yeah you guys would rather hang out with your Dalmatian then put a ring on it that's fun what did she do for work she worked in like planning financial planning kind of wow she didn't ask she didn't even make it through community college did she dude Dave cajiano yeah that's the most Italian thing about you besides my nose and eyebrows I don't know dude probably yeah just my entire fucking uneducated self I guess have you seen many saints of Newark yet no I haven't but someone said socks nobody said that nobody said that they were talking about your ass

yeah so I thought Hans Kim what do you think about this guy I think this guy is really good looking you know I'm sure the people of Boston who are under 5-8 are very safe with him in town decent this is what the heroes look like in Boston Tony you look like a premature baby I rescued from a fire literally did you hear did you hear that did you hear that response from the audience again how premature baby they got rescued from a fire would you say that was it that was the roast joke that you came up with yeah it's not bad yeah it's very bad Dave premature babies are

not five nine and 150 pounds of pure Youngstown steel you know what I'm saying you fucking pussy 150 you pussy ass non-hero firefighter most firefighters are heroes not Dave here god damn it does wow alright Dave congratulations I'm getting pulled out of the bucket here tonight come back again what do you what brings you to Austin what are you doing it's trip comedy vacation how long you here for tomorrow is my last night once I leave okay so you do anything else on when you were here in Texas yeah barbecue the usual barbecue bars there he goes Dave Kajiano everybody is on Instagram at Dave Kajiano Dave here

you go take one of these there you go you caught the baby yeah do I throw like a premature baby you fucking little bitch Jesus Christ why premature I know pre-s are cuter than regular babies and why would I get pulled out of a fire does anybody get pulled out of a fire with a fucking white cowboy jacket on Aaron speck is next make some noise for Aaron speck to everybody here we go we only have one regular here tonight he's gonna close the show so we're gonna keep flying through this bucket any sign of Aaron speck no no movement uh-oh okay let's pull another name out Julian Hemminger that's a comedy name if I've

ever heard one before Julian Hemminger ladies and gentlemen here he is live in the flesh hello Viacom shoe company sorry for looking like a lazy Hitler youth you know it's a good thing that Walt Disney's creations are nothing like him right because then goofy be walking around being a huge anti-Semite we'd get him sitting down with his son he'd say max my god tell you something the Holocaust will never happen I've never even seen a Jew well maybe I heard one in the attic once the boy is maxi I don't care what those dang maxikans tell you the holocaust never happened Nazis Texas Nazis I mean oh god I'm just

I'm falling all over the place here there it is Julian Hemminger is that your real name Hemminger that is my real name Julian Hemminger hell yeah man where you from I am from Washington DC welcome what brings you here to Texas comedy and I have a lot of friends out here I've come through a couple times I love Austin okay how old are you Julian I just turned 30 wow 30 years old you look like you could be your own father is incredible why do you think you've aged so poorly Jewish I don't know you're Jewish yeah okay why did yeah go ahead Hans why did you say you look like a Hitler youth my hair's combed to the

side that's all it takes to be a hitler in that case Hans looks just like a Hitler youth really does Jewish people have never fared well with guys named Hans and yeah it continues another Jew roasted by a Hans everybody all right all right all right that's enough even I think that's a little too racist I love it so you're born and raised in Washington DC yes what do you do for a living how do you make money I actually stream on Twitch oh I make just enough that I can do that what are you streaming what do you do on there I play video games and I have puppets that like yell at me one of them's a prostitute you

have puppets yeah one of them's named Misty Fisty the other one's one-eyed Willie wow I'm really lame guys I'm sorry oh my god holy shit what do you keep in your backpack I actually have like a gun for just a mass shoot no I'm kidding that's not funny I guess I have like just no Jewish mass shooters everybody relax that's a waste of bullets yeah they're too expensive I actually normally for my set I like I have juggling balls and I have a Diablo that I use really you have juggling balls yeah will you juggle a little bit more can we get some juggling music guys hey time to juggle motherfuckers oh yeah this is

kill oh he's horrible at it wow he's getting food welcome to Texas wow oh my goodness wow that was some of the least talent I've ever seen thank you oh my goodness he was just playing catch with himself at one point imagine would you like to play with my balls what I was asking a red band if you want to play with my balls of course you know me anyway my goodness imagine dropping the imagine if this was the Holocaust and he's like I have a talent Germans watch me juggle I can be very good I promise I swear just watch

me juggle Germans right to the head they would shoot you is what I'm implying him and Dinger yes all right so you twitch professionally how much money do you make twitching like that a little bit over a grand it fluctuates man a month yeah a month okay hell yeah $12,000 a year ladies and gentlemen what kind of games do you play do you play like new games or I play a variety of things I was actually one of the first people in the world to get a hundred wins on fall guys if that means nothing oh that's awesome okay impressive yeah I'm up to I'm up to like I think I have 970 crowns almost a thousand yeah what's

the what's a good tip what's a good secret yeah that's what the listeners definitely want to know why don't you guys go suck each other off in nerd kingdom or whatever the fuck you guys are talking about right now Jesus Christ will never know oh my god you fucking twitchy mother fuckers Hem and Dinger what's your love life like are you getting your balls juggled at all I mean I'm single but I think I've been doing all right since I moved Austin yeah how well wait you moved here yes how long did you move here two months ago and how good are you doing what is that to you

I've gone on a couple dates and one of them said they wanted to go on another one but then later on got off on rejecting me I think why I went on I went on like two or three dates okay I've got laid these days you got laid yeah why okay all right my friend Hans here is living a whole different life what do you think about this guy's story he's gotten laid twice in a few months I can't believe that this guy gets laid more than Colin O'Meara yeah whoever that is Andy has one more father than Colin O'Meara as well okay everybody did forget who that was all right very good well Julian Hem and

Dinger while I love your name your performance was I mean I don't know red band what did you think about this it was Disney meets holocaust I barely remember it yeah you know what though since you only make $12,000 a year I'm gonna give you a big kill Tony joke but hell yeah absolutely there you go Julian Hem and Dinger let's keep it moving along you guys having fun out there let's see what happens next this looks like a fun name makes some noise for Nat Rogachevsky oh there's another big pop from the comedians area they must like Nat Rogachevsky here we go here he comes come on everybody make some noise

one more time for Nat Rogachevsky yo what's up you ever see like a really fat guy like like fixing his hair in the bathroom like what are we doing you guys like all right problem solved now they won't know I'm fat as fuck I don't know if you guys heard DC Comics just announced their very first transgender superhero first-ever DC Comics transgender super her name is a what's it's her name is a wonder if it's a woman wonder if it's a woman yes keep clapping let's keep popping until the meow keep clapping until the meow I don't have time for my last show keep clapping till the meow do you want

to do one more joke thank you yeah great it's a yeah so I was at a HB the other day I was getting helped out by a person person that was right there is a transgender person their name was Alex but they spelled their name al yks and I was like look man you already changed your name you don't have to change the name Nat Rogachevsky wow awesome very very very good Nat Rogachevsky welcome to the show a fantastic performance how long you've been doing stand-up comedy just over six months okay wow that's really good really really good good to see you buddy I love your fat guy fixing his hair joke what I love about that is you're almost too fat to

be able to do that joke you're like 10 pounds away from being the guy in that joke because I when I was writing that joke I was like looking in the mirror I was like I don't know dude it's close yeah where are you from you from Austin Texas Boston Massachusetts Boston Massachusetts what the fuck I just keep pulling people from Boston since I performed in the Mecca there this weekend that's incredible Dave is my fucking boy did you know that I performed in the Boston Garden this weekend uh he did it with Joe Rogan 16 000 people no kidding yeah in the Boston Garden yeah that sounds about right hell yeah uh trans superheroes I believe we had one of those on the show earlier tonight that's hilarious here we go he's he's

laughing over there it's all good folks yeah yeah Nat what do you do for work uh I'm I'm uh gainfully unemployed currently okay I don't do shit what's the last job that you had drug dealer really what kind of drugs I sold a shit ton of like molly and acid and uh wow look at that there's some fans of molly in the room yeah these kind of fucking losers dude everyone's like yeah drugs dude yeah that's just hard taxes Texas absolutely fucking loves drugs yeah they do they do did you just move here yeah month ago okay what do you love so far about Austin Texas what are your favorite things about this city you can do like a gay joke on stage and not get in trouble wow you get in trouble in Boston Massachusetts so bad are you kidding me no this dude how was that I did this joke at like

this super dumb mic in Boston and uh it was like a dumb black joke that I was just trying to work out it wasn't like I was married when you say dumb no no are you saying they're dumb or the joke is okay the joke was dumb and uh this I walked this lady and I go outside and she starts to yell at me about the joke at an open mic and she was like can you imagine doing that joke for a crowd in Atlanta and the only other time I tried that joke when I like tried to debut it was in front of a black crowd and it worked yeah and I was like yeah it actually works and she goes she goes that doesn't matter and I was like lady like you think you know better than they do yeah yeah what's all out white lady right oh blue hair yes blue hair yeah yeah and yes and and clearly presenting as a lady big old

tits and at the end of the conversation I'm like we made up and I walk away and she goes by the way my pronouns are he him and I was like leave me alone lady like right that's enough it's over this is in Boston yeah wow if that was in Boston 15 years ago that lady's in a river by the end of the night floating and bloated I'm not gonna say her name but shouts out to all my friends from open mics who fucking hate that lady yes I bet you have a real earring there uh you have a very legit earring it almost seems like it has some real purpose there what's up with that uh I thought it looked cool as shit I was like you're a funny guy Nat Rogachevsky is a funny man I like this guy Hans what do you think about Nat Rogachevsky I don't know you could make a paper clip into an

earring yeah that thing is uh that thing is what are oh now that I see that earring I gotta ask you what are your pronouns now I'm kidding you seem so comfortable on stage like like for six months that that doesn't seem possible do you have any reason why or he's just the drugs uh I uh I'm actually I'm a I'm a sober guy I like uh I used to do like heroin so now I just don't care about anything wow that's what it is former drug addicts are always some of the funniest people we've seen this before Tim Dillon the Ovan there's a lot of a lot of newly sober people that end up uh being able to obtain a level of funny that is just absolutely incredible so that's where you get your swagger from how often were you uh how long were you hooked on heroin for um like five years

wow wow my goodness gracious shooting it up or snorting it shooting it up oh wow yeah this guy's not snorting I'm not gay yeah come on don't let the earring fool you dude this guy's shooting up absolutely doodly wow so how do you get off of heroin what did you fill that uh gaping hole with I did all the I do all the like 12 step stuff yeah yeah like consistently all the time awesome there you go look at that they love you Nat you know you're good if you get a I'm sober applause break in Texas uh that means you're really talented yeah it's funny the reactions you get uh I mean it's like you tell women they think you're like a like a 9-11 firefighter yeah like you're like I'm sober like oh my god you're so brave yeah you know what's braver actually is

never having done heroin I would say for my money and they're also it's also like being a 9-11 fireman because you both have to deal with black tar at some point very good very good yeah baby that was a good one I don't need your laughter I know because I'm smart how good that one was that deserved much more than in the moment heroin 9-11 firefighter hybrid super joke but uh rewind it for those of you listening to the podcast go back 30 seconds and watch me load up and do it again uh just kidding it wasn't that great um Nat do you have any special skills of talents the last guy had juggling balls no can you sing or anything like that you I wouldn't care to really how many you think Nat should sing us a little song here these people

love you Nat what do you know how to sing the band can do anything these guys are monsters yeah I don't know that I don't know that dumb song uh can you freestyle no I can't freestyle oh no keep yelling keep yelling what's that what are you doing what is this the price is right yeah it's weird now I'm nervous well luckily for you we have some fresh heroin we're gonna shoot in your veins right now yes yes yes oh yeah okay just a small town girl whoa something else and something else take the pain and I do not know the world and then there's something else some other words about a girl and then there's also a guy and I think they hook up

late night people there's a boy and there's a girl they are probably having sex I know the chorus you guys should also sing the chorus when it's time to it's happening and don't stop believing hold on to that feeling and wow neat Rogacevsky ladies and gentlemen wow wow wow a standing ovation has the entire Vulcan Guest Company singing along look at him he's getting high fives from the audience wow unbelievable yeah I'm fucking cool

I bet that hell yeah what was better that or heroin heroin heroin all the way Nate you are absolutely hilarious if you had to guess how long of a set you think you can do how long confidently of a set would you do uh I got a strong 15 for sure I'd love to have you open up the show Thursday at the secret whoa Nate Rogacevsky ladies and gentlemen absolutely doing it absolutely killing Tony here in Austin Texas come on everybody make some noise for Nate everyone wow I don't know whether he was just extremely great or just the people before him were so terrible that it feels like we found a young god here on the show I feel like I need to start doing heroin

all right we got our first first real lady here make some noise for Mimi Meyer everybody she's the next son kill Tony hi come on one more time for Mimi Meyer everybody come on thank you I'm kind of an awkward person today this woman said to me Mimi oh my god I call my grandma Mimi and I didn't know what to say to that I was like cool is she a slut too yeah I uh I grew up wearing a purity ring if you don't know what a purity ring is it's this ring you would wear so all the boys in school knew you were serious about being a loser yeah but now things have changed I think plan B is a great invention anybody yeah who knew that one day I'd be able to walk into any Walgreens and pick up a

bag of Doritos and my freedom and you know ladies we've all taken it we've all had unprotected sex not all of us not all of us are fun yeah uh I come from an exotic place called Pittsburgh Pennsylvania thank you our claim to fame is that we are the city of bridges which I like I think it's fitting that the best part of Pittsburgh is that there's so many great ways to leave thank you very much I'm Mimi Meyer Mimi Meyer feels low hi welcome to the show Mimi hi thank you how are you I'm like shaking I'm having so much fun wow I love it this is a lot better than waiting tables like I did today yeah absolutely you do wait tables I've actually been into your restaurant before and you waited on me and uh we talked about

the potential of you being on the show one day yeah yeah I uh I've met being from Pittsburgh I don't really run into famous people so right it's a new experience you know what's crazy is Friday I performed in the Boston Garden I don't know if you guys know that or not and then Saturday I performed at the PPG paints arena the home of the Pittsburgh Penguins yes just wanted to make sure everybody knows that that's exactly what I do with my life not to be confused with the week before it was Madison Square Garden a whole different yeah yeah just want to get yourself canceled people it's the life get yourself canceled I remember when I started working at the restaurant where you came in to eat my first day of work I started chatting with this guy and I was like yeah it's

like you know waiting tables it's a lot of cardio it's pretty crazy I'm so exhausted and he walked away and my friend said hey Mimi that was Lance Armstrong wow you really dropped the ball on that one god I'm so good at this Jesus Christ Mimi you seem like a wild wild girl uh you're somewhere between like super dork but you also seem a little bit freaky am I correct a little bit a little bit uh you you referenced unprotected sex at some point in your set was that you talking about you that you have unprotected sex with people I used to work on a cruise ship so we got kind of weird oh shit hell yeah hell yeah okay we talking about what carnival cruises or norwegian uh I I worked for I worked

for Disney cruise wow that means red band thinks you hooked up with an african no uh just a jedi oh wow holy shit and a couple portuguese lifeguards so you know wow a real life jedi absolutely was it the the new black guy or what you said jedi jedi okay all right uh sometimes that'll be edited out of the regular podcast um so Mimi Meyer do you have a boyfriend now no I'm single okay uh what are your thoughts about Hans Kim um have have you ever been with an asian man before I I couldn't date me looks too much like my dad really you have an asian dad no I was joking Hans what do you think about this we were at a party and she was dressed like a stewardess and I was you what we were at a party together and you were dressed like a stewardess

I was a boxer and uh you were you were wearing a toga yeah I was wearing the toga at first that's a joke where Hans was on molly yeah I was on acid uh yeah and I uh I'm sorry that you didn't bomb because I kind of want to kiss you but it's fine it's wow maybe if I get on the show another time what'd you say Mimi I said maybe if I get on the show another time and bomb right I think they want me to kiss you I don't want to pressure you I'll ask for consent we can film it and put it on tiktok I can film it and put on tiktok after the show if you don't want to do it now um yeah feel I uh sorry I'm okay turn it down again turn it down wow just for that Hans I'm gonna make you eat or pussy right now on the show

Mimi what do you like to do for fun when you're not waiting tables or doing stand-up comedy what else um I like to I do like to sing a little bit um oh really can we hear a little well you you have a song that you know how to do they know how to play uh don't stop believing oh darling from the Beatles you guys know that one D madness you know the Beatles okay here we go here's a little bit of the Beatles with Mimi Meyer everybody please believe me I'll never make it alone believe me when I tell you I'll never do you know how

wow oh if you leave me I forgot the words but it's okay Mimi Meyer everybody wow you know what after that performance I'm gonna make Hans eat your ass everybody so there you go he eats it with chopsticks so it's okay oh wow she's wow Jesus I was in a tension horror I'm fine my goodness wow just like Paul McCartney she doesn't know when to quit everyone Mimi you are an absolute little firecracker I love your energy your like if the marvelous Miss Maisel was like a real little Texas pog or something like that

keep signing up come back again we want to see another minute there goes Mimi Meyer everybody she's on Instagram at the Mimi Meyer we're we're flying through this bucket yeah we could do that last week we had two massively uh two massively obese men get pulled out of the bucket on the same show I told them that we should do something fun and they should do a weight loss challenge and we right now are going to do an official weigh-in how does that sound to you guys ladies and gentlemen this is Trey Peck and Sam Hunter everyone here we go this is very exciting since a week ago we got a scale with a 500 pound capacity and these guys are going to have a weight loss challenge during the month of October through the first week of November and uh here's the deal here's

what we figured out for each pound that you guys lose in the next month Kiltoni is going to donate ten dollars for each pound and if any of you gains anyway the other one has to give the other one ten dollars for each pound does this make sense so you can't go up here you go jump on the scale weighing in first is uh Sam Hunter everybody all right 300 and oh my god it's fluctuating it has no idea wow we're gonna we're gonna guess 334 there that's what it looks like holy shit all right here goes Trey Peck everybody oh my god the scales just started sweating 396 pounds everyone wow my money's on him

Jesus Christ all right here we go Trey how do you feel about uh what just happened here I've not been under 400 pounds in six years so wow look at that I've done nothing I've just eaten barbecue it's fine I did I did not deserve this at all absolutely incredible are you feel confident going into this weight loss challenge there's no chance I'm losing at all do you have no chance do you have a game plan do you have like a go to diet or something that you're gonna do or just starvation is gonna be fine wow he's not gonna outweigh my earn I will die for this yeah I highly doubt that you're going to die from starvation I don't see how that's possible man dies today at starvation 360 pounds uh I find that to be

impossible I'm pretty sure you're gonna survive uh hand the mic over to little Sam Hunter over there uh who uh next to you is a tiny little boy it turns out Sam what's your plan for the next month what's your uh plan of action here I'm gonna reach out to one of the trainers I used to work with in college oh in shithouse wow Trey's about to run into an absolute buzz saw wow the next month dude oh let's go boys come on oh my god that's right he knows how to shake his tits show the people wow let's go let's go no that's not even muscles let's just heart palpitations folks well I'm so excited for you guys and uh I wish you both the best of luck I'm glad that kill Tony can get behind something as positive as a weight loss challenge here and I thank you guys for doing

it feel free to keep signing up for the show and uh keep doing comedy in the meanwhile we'll get updates along the way we're gonna see them the first Monday in November and someone's gonna win a bunch of money we should bet we we should bet on this like Jesus imagine if Sam Hunter or imagine if one of them loses 200 pounds and we have to pay them what is it two thousand dollars Jesus Christ well the one dude's weighs a lot more than the other guy so he's probably going to lose more but then when he said the the other guy said the trainer uh oh you're like that's I don't know about that anything can happen we're gonna see there's gonna be a lot of fucking uh a lot of missed meals between the two of them your next comedian is mason smith back to the bucket we go let's meet

another stranger together mason smith is next on kill tony in austin motherfucking texas here comes mason hey how y'all doing tonight i'm going i'm going through a divorce yeah thank you thank you i either get that response or oh i'm sorry yeah but i'm going through a divorce uh guys if your wife ever comes home and tells you that she's feeling empowered just know there's a divorce around the corner i'll tell you it all went to hell after she started going to therapy she actually uh she started getting mad at me about certain things that she's never gotten mad at me before like uh she got mad at me one night she said uh how come you never

give me head scratches and foot rubs without trying to touch my vagina i'm sorry sorry i'm not gay mason smith hell yeah absolutely doing it another incredible performance on this episode it's a little sleeper episode folks this is incredible mason how long you've been doing stand-up very very good thank you very much three years next month three years where were you doing it at where you from uh i've lived in boston for the last eight you see this what the fuck is going on this is what i did this is how the universe works i fucked that city up so fucking good on friday night that it's following me i'm telling you i'm telling i don't know if

you know this i performed in boston garden on friday so i think it's considered one of the few mecca arenas of the united states of america i had heard that absolutely uh so mason what do you do for work you seem like a real fucking man yeah so i've been a welder for the last 11 years you're a welder wow i told myself when i moved here though i'm never welding again so okay so you've given up the uh fucking right i never want to touch a welder again all right so what are you gonna do i'm trying to do comedy but right now i'm just gonna fucking this is how people end up underneath bridges mason uh i swear to god i came to texas i'm never gonna do what i was professionally trained to do ever again no i uh i'm gonna i'm gonna get a couple part time jobs

for the daytime you know okay i got no problem what do you think what's a real man like you thinking about doing part time job what i used to work at a liquor store when i first moved to boston okay that was pretty fun and easy anything's easy after welding for 11 years right yeah that's real fucking tough work yeah you get like sparks in your eyes oh i've had flashburn i got burn marks all over me yeah you ever think to like stick with the welding thing though and like become something like a seamstress or something or like something that's that's fabric it's a lie it's not as dangerous as welding but you're putting two things together might be good for you Jesus fucking christ mason

mason uh what do you like to do for fun you seem like a real man so i'm excited to hear what you yeah so before i like so i'm going through a divorce uh but back in boston like uh i got a real kick out of uh we'd go kayaking and then in the winter time just drink a lot and party okay i really like just having fun and hanging out okay you know take drugs every now and again what kind of drugs are we talking about uh i i i got acid tattooed on my arm whoa wow look at that meet my meet my friends the nether hour uh bursi bursi why don't you come up here real quick put your hands together for my friend bursi this is the bass player for one of my favorite local bands the nether hour this is uh can haunts can't get a whiskey coke this is my friend bursi everybody

okay i want to since you have acid tattoo on your arm i wanted you to meet the human responsible for uh actual acid this is what acid looks like everybody bursi and this is also what acid sounds like bursi why don't you say hi to these people hey what's up dudes fuck yeah this is literally who bursi is all the time if you're wondering like hey i bet he's like being a little bit funny for the show right now not at all this is just how it is dude cheers that's literally all of his catchphrases like if he was a doll and had a pool string that's what he says he says cheers this is what i do dudes and fuck yeah yeah fuck yeah yeah absolutely i was woody uh bursi just so that people understand what i'm talking about here uh how often honestly

without being funny at all how give us a ballpark of how often you do acid uh probably uh four or five times a week off and on though i love the guy off and on though nothing too crazy just off and on four or five times a week straight up acid which lasts what eight ten twelve hours or something like that uh the micro dose might just last like four or five hours as long as a nether hour set last you know what's the party afterwards so i love it i just wanted you to come say hi make some noise for my friend bursi everybody i love you toning red band the band love you guys cheers dude yep he held on to the mic a little bit long there typical acid trip lasts longer than you want it to you know what i mean i love it so you got to meet what acid looks like there

since you have a tattooed on your arm uh wow your his relationship stuff was so real like the realistic like where the started complaining about things she never did like yeah i get close to home i think with a lot of people in this audience yeah what do you what does she do for work the one that you're divorcing she's a nurse and she just graduated graduated from grad school to be a nurse practitioner oh okay yeah got that doctor dick in her yeah i don't know so you left her in boston and now uh you came down here for all the glory and then what was it a month ago you said uh i got here two weeks ago two weeks ago fresh fresh fresh blood here in austin what part of town are you living in uh i i'm staying with my gnats my my boy he actually he married my wife

and i you look like the kind of guy that we get a studio apartment in round rock am i correct no i got one actually like near here oh okay yeah very cool awesome and you live by yourself yeah yep very good are you think you're gonna lose any money in the hans kim what do you think about this i think that he sells some good acid i actually took a tab of his acid recently really wow you weren't supposed to tell people it always surprises me how many drugs hans actually does uh very rare in the asian community am i correct it's like a it's like a black pedophile doesn't happen often in asian an asian drug addict yeah i bring great dishonor to my family it's uh it's too bad you couldn't weld your relationship with your wife together my boy my greatest creation

i love it mason you're so much fun i loved your set here's a big joke book from the great bones come back again sign up again yeah can we get a uh what do you want a jack and coke a jack and coke for my friend hans kim we're having fun you guys having fun out there very good look at all those smiling faces zack gallman is next on killtony we're flying through it here tonight folks yeah i like we're going through hey guys hello so uh i work uh the door here and something happened to me race something this week happened to me that seemed pretty racist three days in a row i got called

three different people by the same black guy one day he said that looked like triple h the next day he said it looked like paul walker and the next day he said it looked like joe rogan i i don't believe it at least i think it was the same black guy i can never tell i've been going to therapy a lot and i i like it but i feel like they don't let me take the blame for a lot of things like pretty sure my dad had nothing to do with me getting drunk and shit on my ex-girlfriend's front porch i mean he was there but it was my idea that's all i got guys

there you go a minute from zack gallman door guy here at vulcan gas company a very very very good set you're originally from columbus ohio correct you've been on this show before you're a strong man ridiculously strong um and uh we found this out is cody here is cody here from he's not he's not here tonight no cody god damn it because every time you've lifted a midget you lift him more every time yeah i got the record now 10 what oh shit one of the strippers talked for a second confusing gibberish uh zack yes so what's been happening since you've been on kill tony give us all an update of the last few weeks since we've seen you last what's going on in your world i work pretty much six seven days a week and then just trying to hit mics and uh i'm very i

recognize as the guy who presses midgets that's right and also and also i'm funny yeah but that's fun um i just just been working i love it you've been going to the gym at all you've been staying strong i actually haven't been i just uh i've been trying to get in but i just all my time is dedicated to other stuff right now you can't fit through the door yeah pretty much i've actually down like 30 pounds since i moved down here yeah yeah well weak and skinny now no i love it i love it zack uh what are you even doing for fun when not working or uh performing something go to acl or anything like that or no kfc or anything really i'm just trying to stay in and save money and uh i play guitar on my off time really you play guitar have we ever had you

play guitar on the show you know how to play guitar matt what do you think should we give this guy a shot let's see what happens here very rarely do you get a fat boy playing guitar this is a rare treat very rare again like an asian drug addict or like a black pedophile this is a fat guitar player normally uh all right i can't think of really any fat guitar jokes right now john popper all right here we go wow i'm screwing this up real bad guys sorry so

she calls me a life and i wear the david mask yes the stones are coming too fast for her now i'd like to believe i can bring it up the past all the stones out of throne are building up a wall um i have become cumbersome to my girl wow look at that my goodness gracious that was absolutely incredible i was more nervous for that sounded like sound garden which reminds me i performed in the boston garden uh this weekend in madison square garden the weekend before you can catch a lot of the comedians you saw

tonight performing in actual gardens uh around awesome yeah that was great how long have you been playing guitar for 25 years wow look at that that's incredible i didn't play a lot when i was training for strongman though so like i'm pretty like if you're good at music i'm if you're not good at music i'm really good were you in like like like like bands growing up like the alvarez of village no actually i mean i played with some people here and there but everyone in my family's musician i'm actually like the worst musician in my family and i play the least amount of instruments so but you can beat them up yeah exactly that's true that's all that matters i'm also the tallest and biggest so you're shredded and you shred thank you zack i love it you've been on the show

quite a few times you always do good you already have a joke book right yes i do all right well then there you go another great performance by zack allman let's keep going through it let's get another one up here he's a big guy but his hair is standing all right kit hudson this looks like a new name this should be exciting kit hudson let's see what happens here here he is kit hudson one more time for kit hudson everybody i appreciate that i appreciate that uh so i was the best man in an interracial wedding and uh no matter what my best friend said it's okay that he married a white my biggest concern uh during that wedding was when uh his family asked me to tie his grandfather's

tie luckily luckily he said that it was the most pleasant experience he had out of the times a white man has tied a knot around his neck do i look proud i should look proud because it was pleasant uh kit hudson really uh really that that all sounds true 100 true wasn't necessarily as funny as it was brutally honest there was a second there when you said that you had to tie the grandfather's tie in which i thought to myself well a news joke is coming here and then you really took your time

and you surprised us all by doing exactly that am i correct in assuming that this all really happened this all really happened yes wow and your uh white so explain to us again this is a white girl marrying a black man a black man yes a an australian white female marrying an american black male yes okay and your friends with the black man i know it's hard to believe but yes wow yeah that is hard to believe when the when the grandfather said this to you it was the grandfather right yes it was was there any hint of sarcasm in his voice no no he's very honest which made me very uncomfortable kit how long you've been doing stand-up comedy uh zero days this is your first time ever wow look at that there's the

sheep of the first time kit hudson yes sir hell yeah what made you want to start stand-up comedy here you have a like state trooper energies or something like that i have uh always wanted to just entertain people and uh i realized i couldn't act right you can't sing you can't dance nope none of those things but i've been writing comedy for a long time yeah and uh i just didn't have the balls to perform it what made you start this week what made you have the balls to sign up for this show well it's uh it's a lot like uh my first kiss i was holding out for that one special girl there you go it's really really how dedicated are you to comedy kill tony is that one special girl that i wanted to do stand-up for for the very first time so

that me yes thank you very much yes thank you there you go again i saw that coming 40 seconds away much like you're uh you have a very special delivery style kit um all right so you just started stand-up what have you been doing uh for work up until this point i've uh been in the army for the last 11 years oh wow an american hero everybody what are you doing the army uh for during active duty i was dropping bombs right active where i was in uh oahu hawaii you're dropping bombs in hawaii i was jesus christ what what army are you fighting for the japanese apparently my goodness no uh that's where i was stationed i went to afghanistan yes okay all right well we see how that ended up my bad uh so kit what's your love life like you seem like a good-looking guy for someone that loves

the flavor of water you look like the start version of the creative player on like a army ranger game or something like that level one recruiter level your name's kit no i uh i am married oh married okay i asked my wife whether or not i should go out tonight with this and she said well i haven't seen your hair that short without it so no i don't want you to go out like a shape testicle so i was like all right what does your wife do for work she is a uh mom right now yeah we just moved out here oh how many kids do you have just one just one boy or girl boy i was gonna ask uh or i was gonna answer the how old question how old's the boy

he turns two next month okay all right what do you like about him oh what's his pronouns it's a good question we did move here from california so that's a valid question yeah what part of california did you move from uh we were in green valley just outside of uh valencia or oh shit all right it's up in the mountains yeah okay wow and you just moved here to austin yeah we moved to new bronfils two months ago new bronfils how do you like it out there we love it i was originally born in san antonio and raised you know texas in arizona so i was very excited to get the

fuck yeah to california you have a truck uh yes we bought it before yeah yeah we moved to texas right yeah you can't just have a truck in california like a rav four or no tony knows what it is what it's a silvarado of course it's a silvarado thank you very much of course it is texas edition or regular pussy version you know what i'm saying my people if you ain't got that texas edition get the fuck out of my state just kidding kit any special skills or talents any fun facts about you you know any like magic tricks or anything like that regular pussy edition to answer your first question we're past that we're past that question kit no uh no i don't follow my lead kit i don't know anything uh i was following i don't have any other skills nothing i'd rather answer the silvarado

question really nine that was i am good in the good in the war i'm not good in anything were you about to brag about being good at sex for a second there no sound like you almost said i'm good in the bed i was i was never going do you have any special maneuvers that you do in the bedroom you do like the afghani uh the afghani uh sex trick where you wrap your girlfriend in a sheet and then fuck her yes all right you guys are gonna groan about afghani jokes and i'm getting out of here i'm gonna end this show early tonight that was good thank you yes you ever just fuck her and throw a handful of sand at her face no but i will geez hey come on we're having fun here tonight haunts you think i'm going over the line what's going on i was just gonna add on to that the the

riff i was gonna be like oh do you ever uh fuck her and then you leave and then the guy that she was fucking initially comes back like in afghanistan by the way haunts pro tip you don't have to say i was going to make the riff and then say the riff you just say the riff i'm really nervous right now thank you for having me this is an honor haunts kim ladies and gentlemen kit yes sir i liked your performance and uh you're gonna get one of those joke books my friend congratulations welcome to stand-up comedy his first ever time on a stage kit hudson what do you guys think should i pull one more name out of this bucket okay i'm gonna go deep in here really mix it up let's see what happens here real deep

let's see what happens oh you put arlene haze everyone this is another new name for sure i know a real new name when i see one and i would remember in arlene haze here comes arlene everybody come on it's your final bucket pool of the night make some noise for arlene everybody so i just flew in i took i took spirit yeah hell yeah seventy dollars round trip anybody with me that's right uh so i'm convinced that spirit airlines is the only company where if you fail the competency test you're guaranteed the job so today i went on a walk around the place i'm staying and i came back and there was a very insightful news article talking about how there's a lack of women that are firefighters and i thought

that's great because the only thing that probably cares about gender equality is fucking fires am i right all right well that's my time thank you all right 50 seconds from arlene haze welcome to the show arlene how are you i'm doing good hell yeah is this yeah how long you've been doing stand-up uh this is my fifth time in three years fifth time in three years hell yeah you have that's right you have the work ethic of uh that's right you know what i'm just gonna stop right there i'll let you finish your own punchline on that one folks depending on where you want to take it yeah um arlene so why have you only done stand-up five times in three years um i only do stand-up when i need to feel something um that's why okay have you ever thought about jumping off a bridge uh

are you on a lot of medication uh no i'm on no no medication no okay arlene what do you do for work uh i work a corporate office job yeah yeah okay how do you like it uh it's okay i mean i just pretend like i'm somebody else to get through the day basically yeah okay yeah all right uh what do you do at the office job uh i'm i market insurance yes that's right holy shit have you ever thought about going on medication there you go uh no i will i would never know i'm good okay uh what do you like to do for fun um go to the dog park and and talk to the other dog people okay doki uh red band do you have a question for her yeah you talk to the dog people yeah the the dog owners okay do you have a dog yourself or do you just are you just so lonely have we finally how many you think we found

the world's loneliest woman here tonight arlene how would it make you feel to make out with han's kim right now on the show oh no no i can't i'm married oh she's married everybody well what so what no just kidding i hung out with arlene yesterday she has a beautiful husband that knows mma oh really your husband does mma he does and comedy too yep wait what he does comedy oh he does comedy too really is he here yes he is what's his name joshua harris joshua harris how many you think we should bring joshua harris up here for a minute ladies and gentlemen this is one minute of comedy from mma fighter and comedian joshua harris everybody hell yeah let's see what happens here oh wait what ladies and gentlemen here's a minute from joshua harris you stay on the

stage arlene i'm sorry stay on the stage arlene this is a minute of comedy one more time for joshua harris everybody so i've been trying out cbd oil yeah it's not really working out for me though i think i'm gonna switch back to like a water-based lubricant you guys think that porno says unrealistic expectations i do you know the first time i ever had sex i was like where the fuck is the camera crew you know where's the fluffer i need a fluffer all right next joke uh i i just watched that movie mrs doubtfire have you seen that movie recently yeah that is one movie you could not make today yeah because robin williams is dead

there's a minute from joshua harris welcome to the show joshua thank you how are you buddy how long you've been on stand-up well uh seriously since uh june uh 2020 okay first time ever uh january 2018 okay and uh mma she was just completely lying about that right i mean what so unless unless her mma stands for math marriage and academics i don't think yeah what is that the wilting weight you think i do academics what you think i do academics what do you think i do academics you look like you can that's why the thing got a laugh thank you that's how comedy i kicked hans kim's ass yesterday so he tried i kicked hans kim's ass yesterday did you is this true hans no not at all why are you why are your why is your shirt tucked in in the front

but not the back yeah dude oh his wife liked that one hans is asking the tough questions here my wife told me to do this she said this is the the look is this not the look maybe maybe don't get your advice from your suicidal corporate office working wife did she tell you that or did one of her friends at the dog park tell her that oh my goodness gracious all right how long have you two been married for since uh 2019 2019 where'd you meet her at high school high school okay how old are you how old am i yeah 31 what were you doing at a high school what great what great is she oh you guys dated for a long time just looking for chicks bro you guys dated for like what 10 years or something yeah okay that's adorable wow yeah man is that the only girl

you've ever had sex with is this gonna be on the internet that's your answer okay you like how about you is this the only guy you've ever had sex with no way wow look at that that's what domestic violence looks like everybody okay she beats me all the time guys hell yeah oh shit dude um was she kidding about you guys are all kidding about the MMA thing or are you literally yeah no i do mix martial really shout out to a lady breeze fight club that's my teacher what lady breeze yeah he's a why does he sound like a douche tony hinchcliffe said that sir he's a feminine yeah you know what lady breeze i'm in austin texas

my friend and with a name like that i don't care what you're trained in you come here get a little cup of ass whoop all right you want to you want to kick his ass come by let's do it we're gonna edit that out of the podcast we're gonna edit that out it's just for you guys here i don't think lady breeze is in the audience tonight but yeah that guy sounds tough as shit he is yeah what is he specialized in like striking jujitsu what is it uh a lot of everything yeah he's a jujitsu guy right a feminine guy no key right no key no key right yeah definitely no like a booty shorts and a sports bra my goodness gracious how many fights have you had how many no i've not i don't fight i gotta i gotta look up for this shit you know so you just train yeah i do it for fun okay yeah

all right um you think you will ever do that or is it something that i mean i couldn't do comedy if i wanted to like train to fight every night you know like i gotta like practice and shit all right jesus christ so is it i mean your girl is saying that she could barely feel anything and she's about to kill herself do you have any do you have anything to say about that like have you tried her i mean are you just really fucking her life up or what i no i'm in the same like i'm worse than she is do you like okay well like everybody who who was like like honestly i think you both need to get fucked by a black guy uh there's only one way to solve this problem we get a black guy up here d madness come on i am not used to doing comedy in front of this many white people by the way

all right i'm from illan joshua harris and uh arlene haze why do you guys have different names uh because of feminism all right there he goes joshua harris and arlene haze everybody a new minute from this power couple there you go there's a couple little stocking stuffers for you there you go tell lady breeze i said hello lady breeze why do i feel like they're not really married i don't know what's going on there something's up though something's a little rotten in denmark over there you guys ready to bring this thing to a big close here huh ladies and gentlemen your final comedian of the night one of the longest standing regulars the longest standing regular in the history of the show an absolute legend undefeated undisputed champion

of regulars the big red machine william montgomery wow a standing ovation upon arrival this crowd is hot standing i don't know who's running this fucking place but i was just trapped in the goddamn walk in freezer for 20 minutes i'm freezing cold sorry i'm back on my bullshit i had seven kombucha's earlier i just cropped us to the stage so the good news is that by the time it reaches you i'll be off stage they say jesus christ was a liberal and look at where it got him let's give it up for jesus christ

let's give it up for yaway give it up for the son of man do you know who i really feel sorry for the butthole surfer's parents california just passed a new law requiring gender neutral toys i'm just trying to figure out where the fuck i'm supposed to buy balls now katelyn jenner's garage sale i should have ended it after the i shouldn't have added katelyn jenner's okay that's uh thank you william montgomery

with a powerful new minute of stand-up comedy unbe-lievable william coming off of a week an entire week of opening for uh myself and joe rogan here at vulcan gas company hans kim was also on those shows very very very exciting stuff this guy on the top of his game you're watching a man in his prime right now and i'm not kidding i'm also freezing fucking cold i'm not fucking around i was in that goddamn place for 20 minutes what happened i went in there to smoke a joint and the fucking door shut and i was trapped in the dark it was freezing fucking cold i'm wearing this goddamn t-shirt it's like 30 degrees in there did you did you get to smoke the joint yeah i did i got way

too fucking high in there and then i got fucking paranoid that i'm never gonna get out and i knew i was gonna have to fucking come on this stage very soon it was horrible was there anything was there anything in the cooler that you liked was there any drinks or food some igloo coolers they had coolers inside of the cooler they did some igloo brand coolers i bring that up that's a new sponsor of mine oh really they reached out to me yeah okay now you're very famously as the crowd is aggressively yelling we have yeah i don't know who the fuck just said raisin bread shut your fucking mouth don't fucking throw me off i'm literally freezing cold how much raisin bread have you had this week we found out you're newly addicted to raisin

bread after gaining sobriety a few months ago how much raisin bread do we get through this week it's like three and a half loaves since thursday since thursday oh my goodness that is a loa fide pretty much wow that math works yeah it's about a loa fide i can't quit fucking eating it so like do you toast it do you put butter on it do you make sandwiches or do you just go one slice at a time raw dog sometime if i'm feeling pretty down i will just eat it a slice at a time wow i start sitting in my fucking apartment i'm feeling real down i'm watching a bunch of wife swap and i will fucking i'll polish off a loaf or two i don't know if y'all have seen wife swap recently what a hell of a show that's a great show can you give us some examples of what you love about wife swap

like is there something particular that's happened on the show that you find extremely entertaining i think the world wants to know uh oh man you caught me i haven't been watching wife swap oh no you busted me the rare live from william Montgomery oh no everything else he said tonight was completely honest everything else is true no i have yeah i haven't been watching that oh my goodness wow you spent the whole weekend uh at a comedy festival in uh yurica california yurica california two years in a row you going out and headlining yurica how was that it was fun okay yeah it was fun anything anything interesting happened out there i was able to smuggle like probably a uh like an ounce of weed back in my baggage i felt cool doing that wow you did i did yeah i have it in my back

of my apartment where'd you put it in your bag did you put it like in a sock or something special did you try it all to hide it or like uh i didn't at all i just put the bag in there i was feeling pretty down i had been eating a bunch of fucking raisin bread my sets were honestly a fucking disaster up there you didn't turn into a nightmare turned into a what am i fucking doing with my life this has turned into a giant fucking mistake i was out there trying to make people fucking laugh i wasn't able to do it it literally it was sort of a a time of soul searching for me i think i've made a horrible mistake and then i get fucking trapped in the goddamn freezer i start freezing i'm high as shit in there wait that happened in california as well yeah i got trapped in a fucking freezer up

there as well oh my god you should really stop going inside of freez i don't think i'm gonna fucking stop i love it in there a nice fucking black freezer it's freezing cold i love alaq pills i love being cold i love being cold nobody's gonna stop me in there hey nobody's stopping me in the freezer i promise y'all that i stay in the freezer let's give it up for you glue wow nobody doesn't like this guy this is without a doubt peak performance i mean the crowd i'm trying to get money from igloo i need that igloo money i'm really close to living on the streets i'm about to be homeless

you were supposed to cheer at that part god sometimes i wonder what it's like if like if somebody like if somebody brought like their girlfriend to this show for the first time or something you did you brought her this is your first time seeing the show what do you think about this moment right now lady god just get out of here i'm kidding william you're an absolute fucking saint you're on top of the world you're out you're headlining you're selling out shows you're opening for joe rogan you're on the best shows in the city and he's a product of here austin texas everybody come on make some noise for william everyone

how loud can this place get for our guests tonight his first time on panel han's kim everybody how about one more time for the killtony band everyone screwball peanut butter whiskey michael gonzalez d madness matt mewling and the great john b's on the keys make sure you follow all those guys on social media they are the screwball peanut butter whiskey killtony band the drawing from ryan j ebelt is in it is absolutely incredible it's han's kim with a machete and me and red band very cool stuff go to ryanj ebelt dot com for all these killtony prints it's absolutely amazing uh the uh the uh what appears to be the uh liquid death after party following liquid death yeah following i fucking love liquid immediately following this show

right here right now at vulcan gas company unlock your phones hang out have another drink mingle have fun thank you so much for coming out everybody good night everyone thank you just oh Oh You You