KILL TONY - #529 - WILLIAM MONTGOMERY

Episode Date: October 30, 2021

William Montgomery, Matthew Muehling, Hans Kim, David Lucas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 10/11/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Every night in Austin, Texas, you guys can make more fucking noise than that. You guys ready?

Yeah, let's do this shit. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Come on. That's the goddamn screwball, peanut butter whiskey band. Sounded goddamn good tonight. It's the great Matt Mueling on guitar, everybody. That is Michael Gonzalez on the drums. My friend D-Madness on the bass guitar.

Great red bands here. Very exciting stuff. This is another episode of Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world that just so happen to be here in Austin. Fun stuff. Good looking audience we have tonight out here. A bunch of fucking scramblers coming in. I like it like this.

Fun week. Let's do this shit. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you right now. There are some things in life that I like to pick out myself so that I know I've got the one that's best for me. Like a cut of steak or a mattress or a prop gun. What if you could do the same thing for hiring?

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To try Zip Recruiter for free, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. I want to tell you about our newest sponsor, SK Kratom. Now, if you're over the age of 18 and not familiar with Kratom, listen up. It's natural. It's a tropical evergreen tree, mainly found in the island of Borneo. For hundreds of years, it was used by people of Indonesia, workers in the rice fields, which chew the leaves to help with energy and stamina throughout the day. Similarly to how Americans drink coffee or energy drinks, you know, normalized behavior.

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This product is not for use by sale or by persons under age 18. This product should be used only as directed on the label. It should not be used if you're a beginner and consult with a physician before use if you have serious medical condition or use prescription medications. A doctor's advice should be stopped before using this in any supplemental dietary product. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Alright, we're all filled up on CM Smokehouse. Thanks to our friend Cade and Yoni over there at CM Smokehouse at Bolden Acres.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is so exciting. Every single week I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week, no different. You're going to remember that you were here when this man was a guest on this show here tonight. It's Kill Tony's Own, the longest standing regular in the history of the show. The Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Oh, shit! Wow, it's the real William Montgomery.

Looks a lot like Quentin Tarantino when we had him on a couple months ago, but it is William Lights Out, the vanilla gorilla, the Big Red Machine, the slum dog billionaire. It's so nice to be here. As you all heard, I am one of the top comedians in the world. So I was able to get it right in my schedule to be here tonight. Very excited to be here tonight. Absolutely. We've been sipping on Quentin and Quentin,

but you're sober now. You are addicted to raisin bread. Yeah, I'm just eating the shit out of raisin bread now. I've had two loaves since Sunday. There you go. Today's Monday, so you can guess. Yeah, do the math on that one. I'm eating a shit ton of that fucking bread.

He's addicted to raisin bread. He's three months sober. He was a heavy drinker and now he's heavy raisin bread. We're going to have fun tonight. How's your bathrooms with that much raisin bread? How's my what? Your bathrooms. Is it just coming like just raisins?

At least it's thick. That's sweet. You called it my bathrooms. All right. For those of you watching the video, why not subscribe to our YouTube channel? That's what everybody's telling me to say every weekend. Smash that like button.

Subscribe, boys and girls. We have a bunch of joke books made here by the great Adrian Kovazos at Bonsai. We're going to be handing those out tonight. Another amazing local artist. The great Ryan J. E. Bell drawing tonight's episode from Los Angeles, California. You guys know how this show works.

It's a bunch of people that get the opportunity to do stand-up comedy on this stage. I pull their name out. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand-up comedy. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's how that works.

Then I interview them afterwards and we talk to them about their lives and find out more about them. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Let's do it. Your first comedian is a regular on the show, much like William has been for years. We have always maintained a cool group of comedians that write and perform a brand new 60 seconds

every single week. You get to watch them grow. This guy has been opening up for Joe Rogan because of his appearances here on Kill Tony. He is the only regular that was made a regular here in Austin, Texas. The very own Hans Kim, everybody. Here we go. Oh shit.

Here we go. Hey, what's up guys? My name is Hans Kim and I'm not a racist. I'm a minority. How could I be impossible? I don't even see race. I only smell it. Especially in the Ubers.

I don't know why they call it the Middle East. How do you have a middle of a direction? It's like being like, hey, take a left at the center of right. Maybe that's why they're so mad all the time. Where are we? I think having white pride is a great thing, but a lot of people do it incorrectly. They're always into like the Nazis or the Confederate flag.

They're never into building a castle or yodeling. That's not white pride. That's racism. You don't have to be white to hate the Jews. I can do that too. Thank you. Hans Kim, getting tonight's show started. Always so much fun.

Hans Rock and a brand new Peacote we've never seen before. I love it. I don't know many people with a Peacote that live in a van, but you pull it off, my friend. Can you get this thing? Is this new? This is from my mother. She bought it for me.

I've had it for like three years. It hangs in my van. I get to bust it out. You gotta be the first one to bust out the winter gear. You have an advantage. Winter? Yeah, absolutely. Look, that thing looks like it's been through a lot, huh?

How many seasons of Squid Games did you play with that jacket on? What did you think this was? Have you watched Squid Games? Yes. You love that shit, huh? That's like you're American Idol or something like that, isn't it? It's like you're fucking everything, huh? It's an allegory.

It's a great cinematic narrative, you know? It's like it's got sex. You're a horny dude, huh? How's that been going for you? We found out last week that you broke up with your girlfriend, and here we are tonight, new Peacote. What's shaking? Fun fact, a Peacote is also R. Kelly's favorite kind of coat.

During the winter time, that's what he would wear. Sometimes he'd wear a poop coat as well. It depends on what he was into that night. A black one, yeah. Okie dokie red band. Red band did a shot of screwball peanut butter whiskey before the show, so anything can happen here. I'm back with Paige again.

She's visiting. Wait, you're back with this broad again? Every week, man. Off again, on again, like that fucking jacket. I didn't realize how weird it looked in the light, but in the dark, this is like in the dark jacket. I guess you could say that about any shitty clothes, huh? This is more like dark wear, you know?

This isn't really meant to be seen, because it's awkward. I'm back with Paige again. She's a beautiful lady. She put a finger in my butthole recently. Whoa! Oh, shit! Holy shit. Talk about squid games.

Oh, my God. You had a little tentacle in your little duty hole, huh? She only got up to the first knuckle. Wow. Ok, red band, that's enough of those sound effects. First knuckle, and then what happened? What do you do? You just went, wow!

What happened? What did you say when she put her finger? Did she warn you she was going to do it? No, she was just like really enthusiastic about it all night, and I was like, I guess this is happening. You know, I can't... Like, what am I going to be like, no? It's like, you know, if she wants it, my body is hers.

Did she get far enough in to like pull a fortune out or anything like that? Stop it with the lights. Hilarious. When the lighting guy loves a joke, he goes a little crazy sometimes. What else is going on in life, Hans? What else have you been up to lately? I'm going on the road.

I'm hitting Abilene and Sweetwater, Texas. Wow. Going to get to know the country. Red Band loves Sweetwater. I do. He calls it Kool-Aid. I love that you did the joke about you don't see race, you smell it.

I noticed deep madness laughed extra hard at that one. I could really relate. And white pride. Can you smell Asian? Oh, shit. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. Hell, yeah, we smell. Even in parasite, the South Koreans smell the South Koreans

and judge each other. Remember that movie? It's not me. I'm just referencing a movie, everybody. Now being racist against Asians. I would never. All right. Hans, is life good?

Are you happy to be back with Paige? Yes. It's the first day back together, but I just couldn't keep my hands off of her. First day is today, and she's already got one knuckle in on you, dude. Jesus Christ. Isn't that mentally draining, though,

going back and forth with the same girl over and over? Every week, you don't know if you're together or back, but you could just be fucking tons of strangers? Yeah, well, I can't. For those of you that don't know, Hans was Olympic swimming and pussy before settling down with us. Yeah, pussy is, like, so easy for me to get.

It's... Oh, you are the best, dude. You are the very best. Hans is autistic. For those of you that can't tell, he's brilliantly hilarious. That doesn't mean he's not autistic. He's super autistic, especially offstage.

You do anything... So that the people understand. You do anything extra-autistic recently? Autistic. I played Seller as a Catan and won $20 from my bros, who I'll bet. I beat them in a game of wit and intellect. What did I do?

I went to, like, this show, and I hung out with the guys afterwards, and I was like, dude, what is life all about? Just asking them questions and stuff is super interesting, because they're, like, normal people, and I'm, like, living in a van doing comedy, so... Right.

William, you know Hans. You've seen him many times. What do you think about his performance here? What was interesting, you just said that. Hans, you're a self-proclaimed atheist. I think we need to start reading the Bible together or something. Jesus is real. I'm worried about your soul.

You have those atheist jokes. I'm always cringing when you say them. You need to lay off of that shit. Oh. Please, Hans. Wants to take you to church. Would you go to church with William? Yeah, well, you start going to church with me.

Could be a podcast. Wow. Yeah, I can do a podcast in the church. I would love that. But I just, I know, you know, science is pretty, like, really convincing. This is a man. This is a man that beat his friends just yesterday

in a game of intellectual wit. I'm going to take Hans' advice. Hans, another amazing performance here. You're an absolute bloody murderer. We all love you. Thank you so much. We'll see you next Monday. The great Hans Kim, everybody.

All right, now I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. This is where anything can happen. Perhaps you signed up tonight. Perhaps it's someone's first time. Perhaps, no matter what, it's someone that either really wants to or really regrets signing up for the show. So it's always exciting.

And it begins now as I pull out the first name, which is Stephen Hairston. Stephen Hairston is the first comedian tonight on Kill Tony. Here he comes, everyone. Come on, everybody. Put your hands together for Stephen Hairston. All right, what's going on, everybody?

Hey, so we all have heard of the saying, drunk is a skunk, right? Man, skunks are not fucking drunk. You ever smelt a skunk? That motherfucker just took a fat ass bong rip right in your backyard. That motherfucker smells like weed all the time. And fucking...

What's up with light beer? It weighs just the same amount as every other beer, so that's just crazy, man. So I put this bulletproof vest on today just because I'm DEA, and y'all are all going to prison, so, yeah. But... I didn't prepare very well today.

All right, Stephen Hairston. Here we go, that was 60 seconds from Stephen Hairston. This is a very special look you have, Stephen. You look like Cabbage Patch Kid Rock. You look like you should be looking for Brian Laundrie right now. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.

Hey, Tony Hitchcliff, he looks like what, Jeff Dunham's puppets come to life. Oh, you fucking got me good, dude. Trying to start an insurrection up in here? Why are you dressed like that? Why are you wearing a bulletproof vest? Bulletproof vests don't protect against bombing. I don't know if you know that.

That would be a bomb suit. Perhaps a bomb suit. Ladies and gentlemen, would have been more fitting. I love it, though. That's good. That was good. What's going on? You're trying to hunt with Joe Rogan.

What did you think was happening here tonight? Hell, yeah. Why are you dressed like this? Is this your new look? You go on a lot of stages like this? Or is this a one night only thing? What's going on? No, I just like Warzone and playing video games.

I was like, bulletproof vests are cool, so I bought one. I got a bulletproof mask, too. William, what do you think about this guy? I think you better keep playing fucking video games because that was a fucking nightmare. The fuck did I just witness? Is that scared you have a fucking gun somewhere or something? Oh, man.

Steven, you've been on this show before. Am I correct? Yeah, so I was just on the Joe Rogan and Bert Kreischer and Don Mararino. With his parents. Remember his parents? Oh, it's all coming back to me. So this is like your second time ever on stage, right?

Yeah. Wow. Look at you. You're already trying to be a fucking character over here. He's big on TikTok. So I feel like that's some TikTok shit right there. Wow. I don't ever want those words big on TikTok.

Ever spoken in succession on this show ever again. I will never want to know when someone's big on TikTok, by the way, ever, ever again. That is this show's N word. I'm saying it right now. I don't want to hear it. And anybody that says that I'm going to beat them up. Sorry, black people.

We're just using the N word. All right, forget it. I made it weird. So what is your story, dude? Remind us all of what made you want to start stand-up comedy a couple weeks ago. Well, this show honestly inspired me a whole lot just because I saw the opportunity

that I could perform in front of. What am I doing? What have I done giving these people hopes and dreams? Stop, Tony. Jesus Christ. This is the target audience, everyone. This is it. Yes, yes.

All right. Why is there a monkey, Red Band? We don't need a monkey. TikTok monkey. No, okay. Stop saying fucking TikTok on this show. Dead. I hate it.

Of course he's big on TikTok. This is how lame TikTok people are. This guy's big on TikTok. Fuck yeah. A bunch of daydreaming idiots watching this guy dance in a circle or something gay like that. What do you do on TikTok? Have you ever thought about killing yourself on it?

Because I think the video would do good. I think it would, right? That would probably get taken down. Just avoid the bulletproof vest if you shoot yourself. Aim for the face. I have said 69, 69, 69 times. It really sucks if you're like, I'm going to do a couple shots to the chest and end it all.

All right. Well, Steven. What did you think was going to happen here tonight with the act that you prepared for 60 seconds? Honestly, you know, I just had written some stuff down in the new Kill Tony book. Okay. Are you on drugs or anything?

Did you do something special today? Did you go date drinking? Yeah, I smoked a big ass blunt before this. Okay. And if anyone wants to join me, I'm doing it after the show. No one wants to smoke weed with you at all. And everybody here basically smokes weed

and they would all smoke weed with each other and no one wants to smoke with you. That's the vibe in the room right now. I know there's a lot of people watching on the internet. You can't really get a vibe. It might not be translating through the YouTube, but creepy. Like and follow on Kill Tony.

Like and follow. All right. There he goes. We're going to pull another name out of the bucket. Wild. We need a metal detector for next week. Brayden Paul is the next comedian. Anything can happen here, people.

We've had homeless people sign up. We've found unbelievable talent. Here he is, Brayden Paul. My best friend's baby just died from severe diaper rash. She's going to have him cremated, which I think is kind of ironic because a little bit of baby powder could have saved this whole thing.

My first job, my first job was at Planned Parenthood in marketing. God, I miss that job. God, I miss that job. The shit. I'm not even a doctor, and I killed it at Planned Parenthood. Oh, God.

I recently started a genealogy company for InBreds. It's called 23 and Wee. It's way better than my last idea. Also a genealogy company. It was targeted at people with extra chromosomes. That one was called 47 and going to be dead before you turn 11. Jesus Christ.

Brayden Paul, everybody. 60 seconds of stand-up comedy from Brayden Paul. Hell, yeah, dude. From one school shooter to the next. That's just turning them out in here. Just everyone could be any one of these fucking mug shots walking up. I love it.

Brayden, how are you? This is your first time on the show, right? First time ever doing stand-up. Wow. First time ever doing stand-up. That's great. My legs are fucking shaking right now. Your legs are shaking.

I forgot all my shit. Absolutely. We could tell. We know. No, that's good. You had a good idea. The baby powder joke would have been funny if you creamed a baby.

Is that how you make baby powder? You have a good idea, but you took, I think, 45 seconds to get to mentioning it. It was supposed to be a lot quicker. It's diaper rash. You can't really die from diaper rash, right? I looked it up and no, you cannot. Right, exactly.

You start your set. Well, if you get an infection, I tried to make it plausible, but then I decided I didn't really care that much. But when you say it's your friend's baby, you immediately put this feeling out into the audience, like, oh, God. Yeah, you really...

You get away from comedy. Have you ever thought about maybe opening up your set, just bring a baby and then smash its head on the stage? Oh, God. Because that would get people's attention. If anyone has one... No one has one. There's no, like, Gallagher smashing babies up here.

Love it. What do you do for work? I'm in insurance. I'm a quality auditor. So I listen to health insurance. Well, obviously you're not auditing your set. Jesus. This is your first time doing stand-up.

What made you want to start now? A big fan of the show. I write all the time, and just figured I'd give it a go, see if it worked. It clearly didn't. Yeah. Yeah, well, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, thanks, William. I really liked it, so... William is my favorite comedian in the entire world. All right, shut the fuck up, dude. Jesus Christ. I paid him to say that. Fucking guy. All right.

Tell us something fun or interesting about your life. You come from, like, a weird family or a weird place. Anything fun that you can do? It is tragically normal, unfortunately. I used to be big into cliff-jumping. So into water, not concrete, which I wish I did now. I was actually going to recommend you jump off a cliff after seeing your set.

I think we all thought the same thing there, but no, I'm kidding. What were you saying? Clip-jumping and then what? Yeah, I used to cliff-jump a lot. In Ithaca, the biggest cliff was, like, 90 feet, into, like, 8 feet of water. All right, well, what else?

What else, Brayton? Anything else interesting about you? What's your love life like? I got fiance. So shout out, Hannah. Love you. Oh, okay. Wow, that was adorable.

Damn. Do-do insurance quality auditing. Look at you, you fucking romantic. What does Hannah do? Hannah, weight's table, she's going to school now. Oh, okay. All right, is she young? Is this Hannah Montana we're talking about?

What's she going to school for? Occupational therapy. Okay, what do those people do? It's kind of like, from my understanding, physical therapy, but a little bit different. Fuck, yeah. Sounds like you're really good at listening to her when she's... I go in and out.

All right, well, I don't know. Can you imagine, like, being younger and, like, I want to be an ox... Whatever that therapist is, yeah. I want to be a brain surgeon. I want to be a heart doctor. I want to be an occupational therapist. How's that?

Brayton, you seem like a fit guy. You work out a lot? Fuck no, dude. I'm naturally skinny, but I'm starting to get a beer gut because I have a kegerator at home, so I'm just pounding beer all the time. How old are you?

26. 26, sorry. 26 years old. Absolutely. All right, well... Remember when kegerators used to be the cool thing in college? You're like, man, when did I ever get a kegerator? Nope.

Nope, red bands old. Remember when the locomotive used to bring the alcohol? Remember that in the times? The prohibition? No, red band, no one. Really? I'm just kidding, I'm kidding. Of course, there were kegs, yes.

There's still kegs at every bar. No, no, no, kegerator, where it's like a tap, where you have, like, at the bar. That's where the kegerator is. Like, you know, never mind. All right, well... What else? What else about you, Brayton?

I feel like there's something. I feel like there's a question I could ask you. They could blow the whole fucking roof off. You seem more boring than anything that I've ever... I got something for you. You're literally, like, if a glass of water... Yeah, I don't even know what you're like. Like, salt water or something.

When I was in college, sophomore year... You remind me of saline solution. I've never told anyone that before. I've been doing the show almost nine years. You remind me of saline. Like... Thank you. Okay.

What were you gonna say? When I was in college, sophomore year, a girl I sort of knew gave birth to a baby, a live baby in a fucking dorm shower. So, yeah. Shout out, Becca and Adam. All right. We don't need their names, Brayton.

Wow. Did you get to watch it? Did you see it? I did not see it. Heard second hand. Wish I could have been there to welcome the little guy into the world, but... Wow.

At least it wasn't a toilet, baby. Okay. There we go. All right, Brayton. Well, fun times. Well, congratulations on getting picked. Here's a little joke book for you, Brayton. Welcome to stand-up comedy,

his first time ever on a stage. He had the balls to do it. The courage that it takes to sign up for a show like this is... All right, this is a one-word name. These are usually pretty good. Make some noise for strategy. Strategy. Strategy.

This should be interesting. Maybe... Maybe I'm wrong, though. Strategy. A one-word name. Next on Kill Tony. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise for strategy, everyone.

So I feel like the toughest part about being in a relationship is staying loyal. And I don't know if you really know about loyalty until you dated a girl who thinks she's down for a threesome. Loyalty is waking up your girlfriend while you're getting blown by the hot Puerto Rican chick that you guys brought home together earlier that night. Waking up your girlfriend to intrude on the blowjob

that you're getting from a stranger feels like inviting your mother into the room to watch you jerk off a little bit. It's really one of the only things where two heads are not better than one. That's all I got. One minute from strategy. All right, strategy. Welcome to the show. Thank you.

I love it. Here, move that mic stand out of the way so that the people on YouTube can see you clearly. You leave that in front of them. They're going to think they're watching a Fred Durst in 1999. Try to stand up comedy. You look like that. You're always like this. You're like a more brain-damaged Ron Gronkowski or something like that.

Yeah, yeah. What's your story strategy? Let's talk about it. Is your first time, you're new at stand-up? Yeah, I mean, I've never done stand-up. I'm a DJ. Okay. I was going to say, you still haven't done stand-up.

Right. That was what we call spoken rap. Anytime someone says loyalty three times in a set, it becomes rap by default. Did I say it three times? Yeah. Yeah, we're basically loyalty beetle juice, dude. So stupid. So dumb.

Literally so stupid, but I couldn't stop myself once I started saying it. I like that. Hey, come on. Have some loyalty. Come on. All right. Strategy. Why is your name strategy?

It doesn't seem like you have one. I didn't come up with a name. My brother gave me the name when I was younger and wanted to make music. Oh, wow. If we're going by names, the brothers give us. I'm nice to meet you. I'm faggot to everyone. My older brothers.

Never let me forget exactly how gay I was as a little boy. Yeah. All right. Strategy. How long have you been DJing for? It's been, we're coming up on like 12 years now. Okay. Did you know that Hans Kim, you know Hans Kim that was on earlier?

Yeah, I do. I actually, I'm in Houston. I'm from Chicago, but I live in Houston now and I just reached out to him to come on the podcast that I got. I know he's DJ Hans Kim. Well, no, he's, well, what is it? DJ Hans Kim. But then I asked him why it's DJ Hans Kim.

And he says it's because he hates DJs more than anything in the world. Can you believe that? I'm going to give him some money. So I feel like. What are you going to give him money for? To come on the podcast. Oh, cool. How much money are you going to give him?

I mean, I was going to give him like 200 bucks. How about 400? You think so? Just in case Pang Dang's listening, I just want him to know he's missing out on all these little opportunities. Just a little $400 an hour gigs. You know what I mean? I'm kidding.

So strategy. 12 years as a DJ. You've done some wild stuff. What's your DJing style? Are you like, are you like more like EDM clubby or are you, you play in the hits of the 90s? Yeah, I'm playing. Well, I'm playing like, I'm a nightclub DJ. So I'm playing the hits.

I'm mixing in a little bit. Right now it's, it's more hip hop than anything. Mixing in a little bit of house EDM. But I do what the manager tells me. I'm, I'm, I'm a nightclub whore. Okay. All right. I love it.

So now you're, you're just doing that. You do like private parties and stuff like that. Anybody? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You get hired for a lot of those? Yeah, I just did actually an art show with the homies that I'm here with. Okay.

You'll make all your money just from DJing? I make every dollar that I make from DJing. Wow. That's pretty, that's not easy to do. That's not easy to do. Strategy. You have a, you, you were talking about three sums up here. You have a lot of girlfriends.

Not a lot of girlfriends, but probably more three sums than girlfriends. More three sums than girlfriends. He's had more three sums than actually having girlfriends. So he, he's a slut. Yeah. Yeah. He's a slut at club Applebee's or whatever. You're a dirty little boy.

How many three sums are we talking about here? Do, do double blowjobs count as a three sum? Double blowjobs. Now that is, I'm guessing that that is two girls giving you a blowjob at the same time. Yeah. Like, like mouth to mouth. Like, how does that work? Aren't they just really taking turns?

I mean, it's taking turns. Kind of dick are we talking about? You got like a cactus for a dick that branches off or something like that. You have a, the old. One hits the top, one hits the root. You know, like when it works on the top of it and one gets the root. This man knows. Red Band makes everything disgusting.

Now, the better than picturing Red Band's stump being kissed by girls. Jesus Christ. Strategy. What is your definition of a double blowjob? Because Webster's is actually here and they were looking for the actual definition of a double blowjob. I feel like if there's two girls that are willing to touch a penis simultaneously with their mouths, that would be a double blowjob. Simultaneously, meaning at the exact same time.

Same time, maybe like in transition. All right. And how many times have you had to guess? Do you think this is happening? How many double blowjobs are we talking about? Because like you're talking about it like you're the Tom Brady of double blowjobs. No, no, no. It's not that serious.

I'm just trying to get a feeling because my guess is two. No, I would say maybe like eight, nine. Wow. Oh my God. That's basically 16 or 18 blowjobs. That's so stupid. Red Band. You had to hit me with a clown horn, dude.

Come on. All right. Strategy. Tell us something very interesting about you that you think the fans of the show would want to know. Fun fact about strategy. I have a pair of titties tattooed on my arm. Oh my God.

Look at you. You're like the kid from big. You're like a six year old that went to one of those Zoltar machines and got a grown up body. You're like, I like double blowjobs and boobies. This is incredible. Kind of brain injury. Did you suffer?

I like it. You got real tits on your arm, dude. Real, yeah. I love it. Wow. When did you get that tattoo? Maybe like five years ago. Four, five years ago.

I got something you might like. Yeah. He has tits as well. So you guys know this slingshot ride where it's like a ride where you get shot up into and they always record the people passing out and stuff. There's a whole porn category of tits that have fallen out of the slingshot ride. Oh, it's great because they're there with their kids and their kids have no idea their mom's tits are flopping all around.

Jesus. Should be illegal, but it's not because they can't see each other. Oh my God. God, what is going on right now? Is that a specific tattoo of someone's tits? Yeah. Who's that person? Her name's Jenna.

I would have been more happier if you would have said it was your mother's tits, to be honest with you. Yeah, that seems like it makes more sense than you can get some of that mama's milksies. So I got it on the underside of my arm because I didn't really want it to be super visible, but it actually works out really well that somebody could put their head right on top. And if you take a picture where you cut off the bottom, it just looks like that person's showing their titties. All right, we're finally figuring out how you make your money.

You charge people to take pictures with their head above the tits. With really big HGH heads. They're going to be like bobbleheads, wouldn't they be? Yeah, yeah, it's a funny picture. Strategy. I love it, man. You definitely dress like a DJ. You act like a DJ.

You do stand up like a DJ. I'm in it, 100%. Absolutely. I moved to Houston because I was ready to die for the shit during COVID. For what were you ready to die for? DJing. Oh my God, really? 100%.

Wow. Well, you technically died on stage tonight, so. That's what I came up here for. Stupid strategy. You get a little Kiltoni joke book. Hell yeah. The Great Bones Eye, Adrian Cabazos. Thank you.

Anything else for strategy? No, we're good. Keep up the good work. I really liked it. He liked it. I thought that was pretty good. William loves strategy. That was really good.

He's got a special strategy to fix the mic stand there. DJ strategy. That's silly. Imagine. I don't know. What would your DJ name be, Tony? Oh, this is interesting. It would be this guy's name.

My DJ name would be this guy's currently. Yeah. Well, we'll talk about it with him. Ladies and gentlemen, Trey Pak is your next comedian. Trey Pak. DJ Pony. Here he is. This guy famously part of the weight loss challenge

currently happening. Make some noise for Trey Pak, everyone. I woke up this morning and my nipples were hard, which can only mean one thing. It is Girl Scout Cookie season time again, ladies and gentlemen. It's here, y'all. Hell yeah.

I tried to walk into the store today and they had the soldiers out there or whatever. The girls were out there. You guys laugh, but that's what they call themselves. The troops or whatever. The girls are out there, okay? And the troop mom is talking to this little girl, right?

The troop mom, she looks up, she sees me. She went back to the little girl and I read her lips. She said, Big Spender. Fuck that bitch, right? Jesus. It was actually my mom. Here's my thing. I'm all for them teaching these little girls sales tactics, right?

That's super cool, right, ladies? Yeah. I don't think they have to be so aggressive about it. I don't think you have to be like, hey, Cindy, there's a fucking whale in the water. It's time to be a shark. Let's do this. Fucking Wolf of Walmart or whatever, bro.

Just be cool, okay? Thank you so much. We'll be right back, everybody. Getting in a full minute. Using all of his time and then some extra very good tray. What is your favorite kind of cookie? That's what everybody wants to know. Samoas, it's the only kind of cookie.

Okay, hell yeah. Yeah, it's the only kind. They're all great, I'm going to be honest with you. It's a real problem. I took you for more of a not so thin mint kind of guy. Talking about Girl Scout cookies here. Trey, that was an unbelievable minute, by the way. Congratulations.

Really changing the tone here. A lot of first timers and people up here. You're something special. Remind us again, how long have you been on stand up? Consistently about four years. And where are you from? Knoxville, Tennessee. And now you live here?

For work? I worked bar security at home. So I'm just kind of trying to figure stand up out right now. Okay. You worked bar security on Knoxville? Yeah, I was a bouncer. Okay. And you saved a bunch of money?

Yes, sort of, I guess. How are you surviving out here if you don't have a job? I mean, I'm just kind of waiting on Rogan's club to open. I'm going to go try the door guy, I guess. Okay. All right. So you're just basically hibernating until then? Just living low?

Using your reserves? I've done some like side security stuff, like some one-offs and stuff. What do you like to do for fun? What else about you? I do stand up every single day of the week. What else? So this is it. Yeah, what else?

I love working as a bouncer. I mean, that's really what, I mean, I couldn't imagine doing anything else other than this. You love it, huh? I love, oh, it's the most fun job in the world other than this. Okay. If you were going to kick this guy right here out of a bar, if he kept grabbing guy's asses or something like that. Like, what would you, how would you handle that exactly?

I'm more of a talker. Well, yeah, well, show us. That's what I'm asking you. What would you say to him? Williams is going to, he's going to yell at me and I don't, I'm not, I'm not bouncer. Okay. All right. Real, real fucking, you got a UCB or second city?

This is brilliant. What's going on right now? Why don't you just fucking try what I'm telling you to do? Okay, let's fucking fight, William. Let's go. Okay. That's not how you work. Yeah, I don't think he fucking said that.

Jesus Christ. Some of these stand-up comedians, it's so funny. The guy can be hilarious and then not know how to improvise whatsoever. Tony, if you do that, he's just going to yell at me and it's going to be hilarious. I don't want to do this. All right, let's go, buddy. Come on. Let's get you out of the bar.

It's still not working. No, I'm not getting out. Then you, you Patrick Swayze them out the door. You just walk them out. It's very simple. What does that mean, Patrick Swayze? You slowly died from pancreatic cancer? Oh fuck you.

I've had a rough week. All right. Tray pack. I love that. Is there ever been a time where you're bouncing somebody out and things go awry? I broke this kid's dick one time. You broke a dick? Yeah.

Holy shit. Was he getting a double blow job at the time? No, man. He was, so we had like a porch and like an upstairs porch or whatever, a balcony or whatever. And he was pissing off the balcony and I caught him and I was like, hey, fucking quit or whatever. Right. And he flipped me off. So I was pissed off and offended.

Right. So I went up, went to get him out of the bar, got him downstairs, was getting him to the door. And somewhere in the mix, his dick had gotten hard and I don't know what that was about. Are you serious? Hey, I swear to God. It was out and it was hard. Yeah. Or it's in his pants.

No, it was out. I had no idea. So this guy was peeing with a boner? No, I think he got the boner in the mix. I don't know. Again, that's between him and Jesus. I don't know. So he, I had him in like a full Nelson.

He kept trying to bite me, which was weird. Wait, you had him. He's hard as a rock and you are behind him with your arms. For those of you that don't know what a full Nelson is, it's basically what you wouldn't want to do to a guy that's hard as a rock. You put your arms behind his arms and then you can really get the back motion in there, right? A full Nelson.

I'm just happy he's in front of me and not facing me. But no, so then he looked at me and he spit in my ear. I mean, technically, I don't think his boner, the way you're built, if you guys were face to face and you bear hugged him with your belly, I think, I don't think he'd hit. Yeah, probably. You sure it was spit? I don't want his dick touching me anywhere. All right, so how do you break his dick?

So he's hard. He spits in my ear. I get pissed off. And it was like this high and I just kicked his feet out from under him and threw him on his chest. But he hit dick first. Oh, shit. And that shit was like, I mean, it was crooked.

It was crooked as fuck, dude. I mean, it was something. Dick first. Holy shit. The new stand-up special by Trey Pak. Dick first. So this guy lands dick first. And then what happens?

He just starts crying for his life. No. So the cops show up and like that. Yeah, because that's you have to. You break something and they just put their fucking knee on it for eight minutes or whatever like that. Trying to end this guy's boner. Right.

Did he immediately get soft? No, he put it back in his pants when the cops come. He was like, this fat ass broke my dick, dude. Like what? And they arrested the guy. He's an idiot. Was his dick like crooked? Like having like an elbow?

It looked like my finger. I mean, it was broken as fuck. Wow. Oh my God. And you saw it before. It wasn't broken before. He claimed that I broke it. So it could have been like an insurance claim situation, but he said I broke it.

Wow. I mean, that's what anybody with a broken dick would say, though. They would only get that shit covered. That is absolutely incredible. I love it. William, what do you think about this guy? I loved it. Thank you.

I love you, man. And Go Vols. I got my Tennessee shirt on tonight. Troy, we did a thing last week. We weighed you in. You and Sam Hunter are currently in just out of the kindness of our hearts in a weight loss challenge because we pulled two obnoxiously fat people out of the bucket back to back on an episode a couple of weeks ago.

It's been a week since your weigh and remind these people what you weighed in at. I weighed in at 398. Yeah. Absolutely. You did. And how do you think it's going so far? I weighed in this morning and I'm down to 382, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa.

Wow. You're losing 16 pounds a week. What's your secret? What you do? Get food poisoning? It's just starvation. I literally just stopped drinking like a two, two liters of Mountain Dew a day. It's really easy.

Oh, wow. It's not that crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Thirsty. It's probably diabetes. Who knows. Goddamn.

Out there just fucking breaking dicks. All right. Trey, fun times. I'm excited to see how the whole thing goes. Congratulations. 16 pounds lighter in one week. Trey, do you already have a joke book? You already have one of these.

No? There you go. You deserve it. A big one. From Boneside. Check out his books. Follow him on Instagram at Boneside. B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E.

You can buy a book from him. Just ask him. Yeah. He makes custom books. Yep. All right. Arash, Tajia. Arash, Tajine or Tajil.

Really could be a lot of things at the end here. Arash or Arash. Here it is. Arash, Tajila. Hey, how's it going? Yeah, my name is Arash. I moved to the United States when I was 2001, which is... Yeah.

That's... Didn't finish the joke. All right. Yeah, great time to come to the United States. Great time. I moved to Utah in 2001. Good decision. Yeah, we came here in April and I was like,

this is the greatest country I've ever seen. Then a few months later, it's like, all right, I'm going to have a bad childhood, actually. Is this going to be rough? Yeah. And then Bush got re-elected. I'm like, more bullying. Okay.

This is going to be bad. Like, nobody was more happy about Colin Powell dying than me. I shot a tear. I was like, you know any fucking wedgies I got? Fucking Fallujah back there. It's terrible. So anyway, rest in peace. Yeah.

Well, glad it ended here at a... Almost ended there. Thanks. Okay. 58 seconds from Arash. Am I saying that right? Yeah. Arash, yeah.

Arash. Yeah. Okay. What kind of Middle Eastern are you, exactly? I'm from Iran. Oh, okay. So that's a good one. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Wow. Thank you. Yeah. No, no, we're not... We're not that... Yeah, that's what they all say, though. I would say that's more Pakistani, the beeping.

Or Saudi Arabian. It really all works. All your neighboring countries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Arash, tell us more about you. What do your parents do for work? Oh. Did they come here with you?

Or did they... Yeah, we all just moved as a unit. We moved a lot. Like, they're like, they're a chemist. So, yeah, we... They were students. Jesus, Iranian chemists. I know.

Yeah, dude, yeah. I didn't realize how bad that sounded until now. That's really bad. It's frightening. They're nice people. This is literally our worst nightmares. Yeah, I should not have said my name here. This is a bad idea.

It's good. Yeah, but we... They were students. So, like, we moved to, like, Turkey. And we went to Australia. Then we came here. So there's a lot of moving. Okay.

Yeah. All right. And how about you? How old are you? I'm 28. What do you do for work? I'm a programmer. Yeah.

Which is also very typical. So that's good. Yeah. Good stuff. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Any fun ones?

I can't say. I have, like, NDAs. Oh, yeah. Of course. That makes sense. So that's good. Then you're in it. You're in it doing it.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. Five years? Yeah. Wow. And you've been doing it all here in Austin? No, I just moved here. I was in Salt Lake City, Utah.

So, yeah. Oh, wow. That was real. You really lived in Salt Lake City. Why? Why there? Well, my dad got a job. So I was like, we got to go.

And then I thought we were going to go to, like... And we lived here. It's like, you think America is just, like, L.A. and New York? And so I thought it was going to be those two. And then we just showed up to, like, the desert. So, yeah, it kind of sucked. It was not... Felt like home, huh?

It... Actually, yes. It's the exact same climate as Tehran, which is, yeah. It's nice. Well, there you go. There you go. What do you like to do for fun? What are you into when you're not playing video games or doing stand-up?

Pathetically, this. I have no... I mean, I have a girlfriend, so that's nice. So, yeah. Okay. What ethnicity is she? She's also Iranian. Oh, you found her in Salt Lake City?

Jesus Christ. No, she's from Texas. Yeah. Oh. It's like, yeah, you're not going to find anyone in Utah. That's just... It's bad. No offense to white people or anything, but yeah.

It's not... Yeah. But it's not the same. That's interesting. They can't match. So you found an Iranian. What are Iranians, like, known for? What are you guys other than guessing a lot of pubic hair?

What else? Are they dancing? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's nice when someone matches. You know, it's cool. But, like, I would say we're, like, Latino-adjacent. So it's like, if you've dated a Mexican, probably the same thing. So, yeah.

But... Really? Yeah, like, I used to date Mexicans as, like, off-brand. So I was like, all right, I'll go for it. Yeah. Wow. It's like... Okay.

Now we're getting somewhere. 80% of the way there. Yeah. That makes sense. That'll hold you over for a little bit, right? Yeah, dude. Yeah, exactly. That's why I moved here.

But I can't do it anymore. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You guys, but they both, like, pita or something like that? Yeah. We got our own bread. It's like... Yeah.

Everyone thinks they invented the same shit. Like, there's, like, eight euros and a swarm of... What does she do? What does your Iranian girlfriend do? Oh, dude, she's a dentist. She's very accomplished. She's... Oh, wow.

Yeah, dude. Okay. Yeah. All right. Look at you out there drilling a dentist for a change. So I... Damn it. I didn't...

I never came up with that joke either. That's really good. That's really good. How long have you been with her? Oh, not that long. Like, five months? Okay. Yeah, yeah.

That's good. Yeah. Did she ever let you sit in the dentist's chair and give you a double blow job or anything like that? No. I mean, I'm just not as cool as a DJ, dude. We just don't get that kind of push. What kind of music do you like to listen to?

Honestly, like, I go from, like, hip-hop to this, like, Middle Eastern-y song. Oh, okay. Yeah. Do you have any favorite... That's not... You have any favorite Middle Eastern artists coming up, like Keith Turbin or anything like that? Or...

It's like, that's the thing. It's like... I don't know. I mean... There's the lighting guy on that one, huh? Yeah. I gotta say, like... Yo, you know who's good?

Omar Suleiman is really good. If you like, like, dance-y music, you should check him out. Will you do a little Middle Eastern dance for us? How many of you think we should have this guy do a little Middle Eastern dance? Here it is. I feel like this is already really humiliating. I don't need more. Yeah.

No, we're gonna have you dance. Okay. I don't want to... Decision. If it's cool if I could not dance, that'd be nice. Do you dance? Do you know how to dance? No, I don't dance at all.

What do you know how to do? Let's have you do something. You know how to do, like, a magic trick or anything like that? These all sound very, uh, stereotypical. There we go. No. Oh, shit, dude, they want it. Whoa, the lighting guy's in on it.

You can basically do anything right now and the crowd will go wild. I just feel like the only Persian guys who dance get kicked out of clubs and wear a lot of cologne and just kind of suck. So I can't be like those guys. It's just, yeah. I'm sorry. I mean, it's already embarrassing that I do comedy. I can't do dancing on top of that, you know.

It's nice. Nice. Yeah. No, no. Sorry. He's not Egyptian. All right. All right.

That's enough. That's enough. It's not Egyptian at all. No, no. For fuck's sake. Total different country. No. I love it.

Yeah. You close with your parents. What do they say about you doing stand-up comedy and not being able to dance? I just don't tell them anything and yeah, it goes well. Yeah, they don't. I mean, they vaguely know, but they're happy I have a day job. I think that's... What's the longest set you've done before?

Oh, I mean, an hour? Yeah. Hour. Wow. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Oh, shit. Thank you. Look at that.

Unbelievable. Here you go. Take a joke book. Arash Tejiri. Everybody. Very exciting. Just got a real stand-up gig out of it. William, how do you feel about that guy?

I know you're not big on... I'm big on what? On immigrants. No, I'm kidding. Not, yeah. Historically, I'm not. I think he could have just stopped his set at the beginning with the... I moved here in 2001.

That was the funniest part. That's true. It all went downhill from there. Much like the World Trade Centers did because of those types of people. Gabe K is the next comedian here on Kill Tony. Gabe K. Live in Austin, Texas. Here he is. What's up, everybody?

So I, believe it or not, was raised Christian. Not like a little bit, like, super Christian. My dad was a pastor. His dad was a pastor. I was actually a pastor for a little while myself. And I've gone a slightly different direction since then. So I don't have a lot of fond memories of that time. But one thing that was a lot of fun for a young pastor's kid was church girls.

Listen, if you never had a rushed, paranoid, guilt-ridden handjob in the back of youth room on Wednesday night, you missed out, my friend. And if you were any kind of bad guy, you became like their own personal project. And the more your soul was in danger, the nastier the shit that they would do. Listen, until you had a girl suck your dick, like your salvation is on the line, you haven't lived. It's a real come-to-Jesus moment. All right.

Gabe K, talking about Christianity. I love it. It makes sense. You look like Fat Jesus. Son of a bitch. You look like the crucifix wouldn't be able to hold you up there. The only holes on your hands have been donut holes. You look like you turn everything into bread and wine.

How fucking many do you have? Were you going to get me back? Was that what I noticed? It looked like you were loading up for one. Oh, okay. You got one on me. Come on. You have a chance to prepare.

You look like somebody's puppet. You faggot. Come on. No. Bitch, you look like that frat boy character in every early 2000s movie that would beat up the gay kid. I look like a frat boy and you look like a fat boy. What are we doing here?

You don't want to try to roast me back. You don't roast me back. You can't do that. Look, you have D-Madness leaving now. He's disappointed. I walked fucking D-Madness. He thinks the show's over. Bye, D-Madness.

All right, Gabe K. Remind us all, you've been doing stand-up for how long? Two years. Two years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I did some in California. You moved here? I broke him, yeah, from San Jose.

Yeah, what am I, a couch? You broke me for a second. San Jose. But now you live here. Yeah. Right. You still, you were in a, you and your wife let a lady and joined your relationship.

Yeah, yeah, we broke it off with that girl, but we're talking to a couple other girls. Wow, look at you. I didn't realize this is like the new thing. Disgusting is the new hot or something like that. Yeah, that's it, that's it. I can't believe that there's girls just lining up to pick up a view.

Where do you find these girls? Like, is this like a Craigslist thing? Or is this like, you go to JCPenney? Back page. No, there's apps for everything. Hell yeah. What is it, fucking? Three fun.

What is it? Three fun. Really? Yeah, that's it. The number three and the word fun? Yeah, right on the nose. Yeah. And you can find three sums.

Yeah. Wow. Have you ever gotten a, I have to ask, I know everyone knows where I'm going with this, but we all learned about the double blow job for the first time. Yeah. Yeah, it's good shit. Yeah.

Oh, you know about this. Oh yeah. Oh my goodness. Can you even see them when they're doing it? Doesn't it just look like? No, I do. I have my phone. Oh yeah.

Got a little selfie stick down there. I love it. Gabe, what do you do for work? This. You do stand up? Full time. Full time. Yeah.

Wow. How do you, okay, two years at stand up comedy. So how are you making money doing it? I'm not making a lot. Right. Yeah. How do you make a little bit of money? My wife makes fucking money.

What? My wife makes money. Oh, okay. She's an engineer. She's an engineer? Yeah. Damn. We see where's the pants in this fucking relationship.

You're at your dress like a giant baby. I love it. You seem comfortable though. Are you comfortable? Yeah, very much. You seem like the most comfortable comedian on stage all night. Seems super fucking cozy. Hell yeah.

I love this. All right. Well, tell us something else. What else haven't we talked about? I've been on the show a bunch of times before months ago. And it's been a while. Yeah, it's been a minute. Any new developments in life?

I got COVID. Oh, you did? Yeah. Wow. Okay. It was my second time. What were your symptoms? I couldn't smell that.

I did lose my smell. Okay. But I did the anti-whitey shit and it fucking kills it. What'd you do exactly? Huh? Pretend like you're Joe Rogan and rattle off the things. I didn't get to the outer back. I did extra pancakes and waffles or something like that.

Son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Hell yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, mostly that. Pancakes. All right.

Has anyone ever told you that you look like if Jason Momoa was a bloated corpse on a river? Like if he drowned and was found months later? Yeah. That's what you look like. I'm just trying to describe it for de-madness. He hasn't been here. He's always wondering what the people look like. So this is my way.

You're welcome, Dee. I love it. Well, all right. We're doing it here. Anything else, Gabe? William, what do you think about this fucking guy? He's up here. When you said your wife was an engineer, I was picturing her being a train engineer.

But you're talking about like somebody that like builds bridges and stuff. Yeah, she wears the hat. Okay, okay. Yeah, I pictured train engineer. What kind of engineer is she? Industrial. Oh, okay. She works for Google.

She works for somewhere. Okay. There you go. All right. Like what's like the last gig you did where you made money doing stand-up? What was that like? It was like a month ago. Uh-huh.

In Flugerville. Okay. Hell yeah. That's Red Band's territory. Oh, yeah. Red Band set up shop in Old Flugerville, everyone. Nothing more exciting than a 30-minute drive. Oh, is that where you live, Flugerville?

No, I live further than Flugerville. Further north? Yeah. How far north? Like an hour. Wow, what's the name of your city? Belton. Belton.

Hell yeah. So if I go to Three Fun and I see someone's in Belton, I'm going to know that it's you. I'm going to come up there and fucking suck your cock. How about that? I don't know what's going on here tonight. I'm an animal tonight. All right. Make some noise for Gabe K, everyone.

Gabe, do you have a joke book yet? You do. Okay. There you go. All right. We're having fun here. We're going to keep flying through it. You know the real big guy that was just up?

He got out of his car and he hit my car and my alarm went off and it said my car was broken into, but it was just his big ass. Wow. That's crazy. There you go. Reevee Wonder. Reevee Wonder. That's a cool name.

I have high hopes for this one. Everybody clap your hands for Reevee Wonder. These people, I know we're getting later in the show, but these people, they wait. Here we go. This is Reevee Wonder. One more time for Reevee, everybody. What's up, y'all? What's up?

How y'all feeling? I was raised by a single mother, so I felt like I picked up some feminine qualities on accident. I had to jump to put these pants on today. That's not a joke. I really did. I'm really nervous, so I forgot the next one. Oh, yeah.

Actually, I put my hair up in a towel as well when I get out of the shower. I say yes, queen, after drinking a little bit of wine and taking pictures. I get a little excited when I see another girl with a really cute outfit on. I don't know. It just kind of gets me going a little bit. Thanks. I'll stop. There you go, Reevee Wonder.

Fuck yeah. This is very exciting. Very rarely do we have someone that looks like both Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love at the same time, so it's wild. This is what could be their long-lost child or something like that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Look at you, Reevee.

I'm super excited to be here, man. I'm a big fan. I love it. Well, welcome, welcome. This is amazing. This is raised by single moms, you and I. I could tell because you have her haircut, obviously. It's oddly similar.

It's oddly similar. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my third time. Third time ever. Third time ever. And already, one of the funniest female stand-up comedians in the world. Absolutely incredible. So what do you do for work?

What do you eat, you be do you work at exactly? I got to know. Oh, man. I do roofing right now. I'm a project manager for a roofing company. Really? You're roofing? Yeah.

I used to do photography before the pandemic, but it was just mostly a big coverage. You look more like a photographer than a roofer. Thank you. I appreciate that. Absolutely. What do you like to do for fun? You have a fun name, Reevee Wonder. I imagine you have something.

I race motorcycles and dirt bikes and mountain bikes in my free time. Whoa, really? How long have you been doing that for? About two and a half, three years now. I grew up riding and something got me out of it at a certain point. What got you out of it? Well, I never really took it seriously beforehand. So I guess friends that just like wanted to do nothing but drink and like I still drink,

but I like to go do other shit too. How often do you drink? Are you a heavy drinker? I was when I bartended for a little bit and got a little bit out of hand with it. I did sober October last year and went a little bit longer into it and it was cool, but then I like fucking tequila. Absolutely. If you like fucking tequila, you'd really love drinking it.

I mean burns your dick if you just fuck it. All right. Stupid. William, what do you think about this guy? I think you need to be fucking careful on those motorcycles. I'm serious. William's concerned about your whoa. Whoa, what's that?

Did you already get in the crash? Yeah. Yeah. I broke my arm earlier this year. Oh shit. Wow. And that was just a one man accident? One vehicle?

Fortunately. You didn't run into anybody? I didn't take anybody else out. All right. You have a girlfriend? It's not official, but it might as well be. Whoa. Well, that's the most adorable answer I've ever heard in my goddamn life.

How long have you been hanging out with this chick? On and off for probably like three years. She used to live in New York. Three years, but you don't know if that's your girlfriend? What the fuck? Are you waiting for her to turn 18? What's going on here? That's a good, good point, Red Band.

Very good. Red Band knows some experience, so that's the only reason you wouldn't say your girlfriend. Wow. Three years and you really don't know? What makes you say you don't know? Well, I know now. It was just she wasn't into it at first. Being called a girlfriend?

Wait, she wasn't into what at first? It was just casual. She didn't want it to be anything more than that. She lived in New York and I live in Georgia, so she finally moved back. That's her hometown. How often do you talk to her? Every day. Every day?

Yeah. I mean, she lives in Georgia now, so. But you guys don't know if she would consider herself your girlfriend? Oh, no, she would for sure. Oh, okay. I just haven't asked her, hey, you want to be my girlfriend? Well, how many of you think you should call her right now and ask her? Oopsie-daisy.

Long distance call to Georgia. Let's get that phone unlocked from our friends here at Yonder. The lock up your phone at Bag Company. Yonder. Not an official sponsor, but if we keep saying their name like that, they will be. Here it is, the Yonder Unlocker. Here you go. Here's the Fat Lebowski to unlock it for you.

That's a Yonder Wizard right there. My goodness. Look at that fucking bag of brisket right there. Jesus Christ, dude. It's even dressed like mustard. Incredible. All right. You calling her?

The end up speaker, volume all the way up. Hello. Hi. Hi. I'm on Kill Tony right now. Oh my God. Ask her. Ask her the question.

So this is, I guess, a little long overdue, but do you want to make things like Facebook official? Oh my God. Is this for real? You better ask her if she wants to be your girlfriend before... So the topic of me and you came up on the show and I was calling to see if you wanted to be my girlfriend. Let's do it.

Wow, look at that. Dreams are coming true. Three years. Three years. People have been wondering when this day would come. And that call to Georgia makes it official. Absolutely incredible. I'll call you after a little goodbye.

All right. He hung up real quick. He could tell I was thinking of another question. I was going to ask if there's anything weird about his penis. That was going to be my question to her. Reevee, how does that make you feel? You have a girlfriend. And by the looks of you, I think she has a girlfriend as well.

This is very exciting. You guys are girlfriend and girlfriend. I love it. Who has longer hair? Her? Right now, her. I actually just cut it. Okay.

Wow. Look at you. Fuck yeah. You really do ride dirt bikes, dude. All right, Reevee. Well, you were fun, man. Congratulations. You've done stand-up.

This is your third time ever. Thank you. I don't know. What do you guys think of his set? I don't even remember. Thank you. Thank you. How was his set?

Reevee, here, take one of these. Keep going that way. Go that way. Right there. All right. I'm going to pull another name out. Let's see what happens here. Mike Ivy.

You guys having fun out there? Mike Ivy is next. Here he comes. He's got a steady pace coming to this stage. All right. One more time for Mike Ivy, everyone. Okay. Hey, how's it going?

Hey. I'm a weird black guy. I like Wu-Tang Clan and Japanese animation. I'm a big fan of that stuff. My favorite television show of all time. It's a little show called Game of Thrones. Have you ever seen Game of Thrones? A couple of nerds, okay.

If you haven't seen it, it's a show with swords and dragons and stuff. I'm kind of a nerdy guy, so I end up doing it in public. I quote the show. I'm like, we died today, brother. We died bleeding from 100 wounds with arrows in our necks and spears in our guts. But our war cries were echoed throughout eternity. They will sing about the Battle of Winterfell

until the Iron Islands have slipped beneath the waves. Every man, woman, and child will know who we were and how long we stood. Ironborn warriors will scream out our names as we leap over the walls of Seaguarded Fair Castle. That's usually when they kick me out of H.E.B. They're like, you can't do this. Post 9-11.

Alright, that's it. Mike Ivey, absolutely, very good. Hell yeah. Wow, powerful. You did it. How's it going? Mike, you've been on this show before, right? No, I actually haven't.

Really? Wow, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Well, 14 years. Wow, really? 14 years. Incredible. Are you Leslie Jones?

Just kidding. I love it. 14 years. All of it here in Texas? Where have you been doing that at? Cleveland. Cleveland, Ohio, the home of hilarities. Home of hilarities, my home club.

That's your home club, absolutely. I've been on that stage more than anyone else. Really? Yep. Is that true? Absolutely true. Wow, that's so cool. So it's too much.

Absolutely. We love that place. It's incredible. It is great. They have good food. Yeah, good food. Great pasta back there. So, okay, how long have you lived in Austin?

About three weeks. Three weeks. Wow, and you already have a good H-E-B reference. Look at that. You know what's up, dude. You know the quickest way to people's hearts. You know what it is. You got a panda.

You know what it is. Absolutely. You got a panda. You know who really likes pandering? The great state of Texas. All right. I love it. You really are a weird black guy.

He said it first. He said it first. I feel like you've cosplayed before. What's your character that you play? That is true. Which Power Ranger are you? The green one, of course. I mean, the coolest one.

The green Ranger. Have you dressed up as things? The only thing I've really done, I was a Jehovah's Witness when I was a kid. So I never did Halloween. I did Scary Spice in a talent show. Yeah. Damn, Jehovah's Witness, huh? Yeah, when we were kids for a little bit.

It got a little culty. Like, my mom was, she was really into Jesus, but she was also black. So it was like, it was too much. Like, they were good with the Jesus, but then too much with the, hey, how about your business? What's going on? Right. Right.

Normally people that look like you are, that are a witness, it's in a courtroom. I meant defendant. I'm sorry. I said the wrong thing. Just kidding. And then you get it. You are a weird black guy. You're wearing a Fila.

Is that a Fila? Like, sure. Jesus back. Fila's back. I'm saying it right now. Italia. Yeah. You know, Italy, man.

And the bandana around your neck. What's going on there exactly? So during the pandemic, when they wanted to put masks on, I hate government shit. Like I was in the punk rock when I was a kid. I was in the real hip hop. I like looking like a ninja. I like looking like a ninja. So I'm cool with that.

All right. Lazing saddles. Okay. Occupy Wall Street, something like that. All right. Mike, what do you like to do for fun? What else? Tell us some interesting shit about you.

I'm a classically trained chef. Oh, wow. I can make all that shit. Okay. All of it. Anything. I make pizza by hand. I do all that shit.

Damn, really? Yeah. What got you into that? I loved eating. Seriously, when I started as a kid, I loved eating. So I was like, why don't I try to become a chef? And that's the wrong way to do it, by the way. What's your one meal?

What's your one thing you're proud of that you would like make? What's your specialty? I make authentic Chinese style fried rice. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Crispy. Yeah. Okay.

You got to use old rice. That's the secret. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's true. All right. They're just trying to throw away old rice so they fry it. And it's like, oh, this worked.

All right. Yeah. Let's just sell this to white people. It'll be great. Mike, what's your love life like? What's going on there? You seem a little bit nerdy. Yeah, I'm a little bit nerdy.

I'm a serial monogamous, I guess. I had a relationship with a girl who is smarter than me. She had a doctorate. She's like the world's premier authority on slow loruses. Or if you remember with these animals. On what? Slow loruses. Okay, a couple of people out there.

They're like these little mammals that like climb around and they're kind of like sloths, but they're cute and people are trying to like hoard them and shit. So she's like the premier authority. Basically, she broke up with me because she's like, this isn't, you're not going to make any money, are you? Right. So, yeah. So now I'm here in Austin trying to make my money, you know, as a comedian.

Cleveland, not the media center of the world, so I don't think it's going to happen there. I forget I come to where it's happening. Austin, Texas. This is true. This is exactly where it is indeed happening. Tell us something weird about you. What's something crazy, a fun fact about your life? There must be something.

I cracked my neck about 40 times a day. Oh, okay. Why is that? I could do yoga. Well, I was a cook, so I'm like doing like this. Tall, neck's fucked up, you know what I mean? Like it's bad on your neck. So I have to do yoga in order to keep myself balanced.

Wow. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. This is a very rare episode of Black Yoga, everybody. Very rarely get to see this. Next, he's going to do downward facing cop. I don't know.

I can't help myself. I don't know what to, I don't know what to, what type of black yoga jokes can I do? It's a real stretch. There is a lot of crazy shit about me. I've had a lot of like, let's see, we were homeless when we were kids. Oh, really? Wow. For a while.

Yeah. And but I've turned that into being able to be poor. So like I'm fucking awesome at being poor. I bought a salvage Toyota Sion because all poor people know that Toyotas are good cars even if they're pieces of shit. Yeah. So I got $1,500. I drove it down here.

Let's change a couple of sparks plugs. Like I'm that kind of guy. I'm like the black guy that could fix your car by hitting it with a hammer. Yeah. I've become that person now. Wow. Look at that. Wrapping a Toyota Sion.

Yeah, yeah. That's great. Sion XB, baby. All right. All right. Even D-Madness is like, I wouldn't drive a Sion. I would not be seen in that vehicle. All right.

Well, Mike, congratulations, man. Nice to meet you. Thanks. Great stuff. Come back again. Here's a joke book. Have a big joke book. Fill it up with more great stuff.

Woman. All right. What do you guys think? Should we go to this bucket one more time? Huh? Yeah. We haven't had a lady yet tonight, huh? Should I keep pulling until I get a woman up here?

Ooh. Sorry to Zach. Sorry to Sam. Sorry to David. You guys were so close. Cousin Burto. I bet that would have been great. Sorry, Brad.

Thomas. Cameron. Chad. Another Gabe. Thomas. Will. Okay. Here we go.

I got one. You guys ready for this? It's Lauren Jamison, everybody. Lauren Jamison. One more time for Lauren Jamison, everybody. Hey, y'all. I love how Governor Abbott recently barricaded the Texas border with miles of state trooper vehicles in order to

keep the Hadeans out. What a dumb idea. It's not like those immigrants aren't going to know how to hotwire those cars. I'm a big Disney fan. I'm really excited about the remakes that are coming out, like Cinderella. This time around, she's going to be a Mexican, which makes

sense because she is a maid. Glass slipper, more like glass cleaner. Give Camilla Cabella a bottle of Windex. She'll get that castle spik and span. Okay, fine. Little Mermaid's my favorite, too. All right. She's coming out with a new one.

Yeah. This time, Ariel's going to be black. Cover your ears. Cover your ears. I just don't think I'm going to watch it. I'm afraid she might drown. Now, oh, God. Lauren Jamison.

I'm afraid she might drown. I'm afraid she might drown. I'm afraid she might drown. I'm afraid she might drown. I'm afraid she might drown. Oh, God. Lauren Jamison almost knocked D-Madness out of his seat by even acknowledging that there's going to be a black Ariel.

Wow. A couple slurs in there, but who am I to judge? It's the perfect platform. Lauren, welcome to the show. Have you been on before? I have. In LA? San Diego.

Okay. The Wells Vajiji. Hell yeah. Wild Back. What did I say about you back then? Do you remember any of the things that I made fun of you about? Did I tell you that you look like the corpse of John Benet Ramsey? That is amazing.

You should use that on yourself. That would be my opening joke if I was you. I can finally close that case. I love it. Do you remember anything that I said where I made fun of you in San Diego? You know, it's funny that Mike was talking about Game of Thrones because it was actually the Sunday. It was the finale of Game of Thrones.

I remember that. I remember driving home from San Diego very fast that day in my corvette. I made it there in like 45 minutes. For those of you that know that drive from San Diego to LA shouldn't be that short at all. But I made it. I remember being 20 minutes in and passing up Disneyland and being like, wow, we're doing this.

This is what traveling at 120 miles per hour is. This is exciting. I didn't want to miss it. Yeah, I missed it for you. Like in real time, I came to, you know, line up with the comics to do Kill Tony. And I was the only girl I got picked that night. I was, yeah, it was a good one. I came back to redeem myself.

Don't look it up. Anybody. It's buried in the archives. You bombed harder than you did here tonight. Oh boy. Was that redemption? That was not a bomb. We're just kidding.

Lauren, how long have you been doing stand up? Are you still going to sing in here? Is that allowed? Yeah. We are back in Texas. I just moved from California. Lauren, why don't you take your liberal mentality? No.

I love it. Give me one. This is Texas. Where it is a state law that artists are allowed to perform on stage. I love it. I'm from Texas. I'm from Houston. Well, then you should know better.

I was just surprised. I know. Yeah, because we're on stage. We're allowed to because we're doing like a play. How long have you been doing stand up? Yeah, I enjoyed the monologue earlier. That was beautiful. Very Shakespearean.

Four years. Four years. Okay. What do you do for work? This and this. Okay. Come on. What are you people lying about tonight?

I'm really not. You make a living doing stand up comedy? I do. I'm still living off the government, but fun employment. All right. So that's the answer. No, I walk dogs. I do.

I take care of some animals. Okay. Yeah. All right. Of other comedians. How long have you been doing that for? A few months. I've only been in Austin four or five months now.

Okay. Yeah. What do you love about Austin? I'll hit you up on YouTube. And if you work at Austin for like a year, I can actually, I'm back home in my home state. So that's nice.

I see family from time to time. And I don't know. Just different change. I lived in Mexico for last year. I fled California. Oh, wow. Mexico. What was how was that?

I could do comedy down there. So that was a bonus. Really? They didn't give us shit. It's kind of like Texas pandemic. Don't know. So it was just a normal life down there the whole time? It was.

And they thought I was Miley Cyrus down there. You put a cowboy hat on and pigtails and they go smiley. Oh my God. She's so. What was your living situation in Mexico? You're unemployed, living off the government cheese. So what do you have there? Your own castle or something like that?

Yeah, kind of. I was essentially a white maid living in Mexico doing, yeah, manual labor to earn my room and board. You were cleaning up. You went to Mexico and you were cleaning up. Jokes on me. After Mexico. Yeah.

It was kind of like a local Ukrainian family. It was very interesting. A friend of mine runs like a eco-friendly retreat down in La Bufadora, the booth. It's where the blowhole is. Okay. Tell us something interesting about you. Give us something good, like a juicy part of your life.

Like one time you did this and they call you this back in wherever because one day you did this. Like what's that? Wow. That's a lot of movements. It must be something. I picked a guy out of a lineup a couple days ago. It was a bucket list item.

What's that? What kind of lineup? Was it a rape? For a criminal. No. Sadly it wasn't. Not for rape. Red Van.

Weird question. Jesus Christ. No, Rape. Where in Mexico? What happened? A drunken motorcyclist hit my car and fled the scene. Okay. And yeah, it took the license plates.

Not realizing they could run the VIN and so they're like a detective's going to be reaching out to you in a couple of weeks to pick a guy out of a lineup and I got really excited. Like this is so CSI. Yeah. And I get there and it was just pictures. Sadly it was like a photographic deal. Right.

So I wasn't behind the plate glass. Was he wearing a helmet when he ran into your car? No. No, he wasn't. There you go. One more reason. And I got him on video. So I picked the right guy.

He did. One more reason to wear a helmet, folks. I know. I can pick a guy out of a lineup but not a boyfriend. Complete your hit and run with great success using a motorcycle helmet, everybody. That's what sucks. Can't run into shit.

They're dangerous. Hi, Willie. How are you? William, what do you think about Lauren Jamison? I enjoyed it. We went with her. I don't know if you and Ryan, it sounded like that one wasn't going good recently.

But I went with Philadelphia with her. We did some comedy. What about Ryan? Oh, boy. Yeah. What's going on there? It sounds like there's a lot of bullshit going on. What's even happening?

I thought we were friends. Are you guys in a relationship? You and this Ryan? Divine relationship. William. I mean, it's not a big deal. This is not the place to come and talk about your personal life.

Is it? Anyway. I came here to tell jokes. Yeah. Well, you didn't do that either. Wow. I thought I heard laughs. Lauren.

So you currently are like sort of kind of dating a comedian. Is that what I'm getting the impression of here? The Williams? Because William knows him. Yes. He might be in the realm of comedy. Okay.

Is he here tonight? I hope not. You don't know if the guy that you might be in a relationship with is here tonight? No, he's definitely not. He wouldn't be. Okay. No, he definitely wouldn't be.

He wouldn't be caught dead here, actually. I mean, what does that mean exactly? Who the fuck is this Ryan guy? I'm not going to say. You know who he is. William, don't you dare. Is it Ryan Joseph? Yes.

Oh my God. Is that the answer? Yes. Oh, wow. He'd be caught alive here almost every single Monday. Ryan, are you here? No. Not this week, huh?

No. He's home with COVID. Oh, that's what it is. Wow. Well, then he might be caught dead here next week. Who knows? All right, Lauren. Fun times.

Congratulations on getting your redemption. Thank you. I appreciate that from you, Tony. Lauren Jamison, everybody. Here's a joke book for you, Lauren. So that you remember your redemption. A handmade kill Tony joke book. I don't know.

You guys think we should do one more out of the bucket? It's a quick one. Let's get a quickie up here. Let's see what happens here. I'm going to really dig around here and try to find a good one. Here we go. Swiggy.

Swiggy. Here comes Swiggy, everybody. Your final comedian of the night. It's the last time you got to do it. Make noise for Swiggy, everybody. Oh, fuck's up. Swiggy. Yo.

Yo, I actually went to get a massage a little bit ago. It was like a few months ago. I went to go. It was 160 bucks. It was fucking expensive. I'm like, yo, as soon as the masseuse came out of dawn on me, you know, like she started to take her robe off, got naked.

I'm like, yo, she's probably like a sex slave, like a human trafficker. I'm like, yo, I got to save you. You know, like, get your shit together. Get your fuck out of here real quick. You finished jerking me off first. I'm just kidding. I didn't save her.

I just came on her tits. But as I was leaving, she's like, oh, why are you coming here? You know, you're kind of fun. I got a bigger deck. You know, why are you coming here? I'm like, yo, lady, not a very good sales personality. If anything, you should be like, oh,

it's the best plus status where you come to get it. You know, it's the only place to get it. Like shit, man. Like bitch trying to make a sale. What the fuck? Swiggy. All right. OK, here we go.

For those of you wondering what would happen if you smoked pot that had fentanyl in it, here we are. You get swiggy, everyone. What a special treat you are. Look at you. What the fuck are you, dude? I'm like, I don't know.

I ate two hits of acid at three o'clock, so I'm chilling right now. What? I ate two hits of LSD. Like three o'clock. OK. We're 230, honestly. Hell yeah.

Sounds like an awesome trip. Yeah. That's what happens. Two hits of LSD. You get to wear a tie-dye hoodie over a tie-dye t-shirt. Very rarely do people clash two different types of tie-dye. Even most filthy hippies are like, that's a little bit too much tie-dye.

But not here with swiggy. Swiggy is over the top. I love it. Fuck it, dude. Absolutely. He has a landing strip for a beard. Look at this fucking thing. You're wild swiggy.

Where are you from? Philadelphia area. OK. Absolutely. I get that vibe totally. What do you do for work, swiggy? I work at Terry Blacks. Whoa.

Holy shit. What the fuck are you doing at Terry Blacks, dude? I work at Cashier. They want me to be like a meat cutter. Every now and then I'll cut meat and stuff. But mostly I've just been doing Cashier, but eventually I'll be doing that. Wow.

How long have you worked there? Since like May when I moved down here. How did you get a job? You just walked in, applied? Fuck yeah, dude. What the application? Fuck yeah. I walked in there and applied.

Got that shit, man. Just through the application. Yeah, dude. Swiggy. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. I told him I'm going to open up my own Swiggy Whites. Wait, what?

What did you just say? I opened up his Swiggy Whites. I thought it'd be funny. He's got Terry Blacks, the Swiggy Whites. They got it. Got that laugh. That laugh is something else. Swiggy, you're so goddamn charismatic.

We've had so many fucking glasses of water on this show tonight. I forgot humans could be this alive as you are right now. I bet you answer all these questions good. What do you like to do for fun when you're not doing acid? Like what else? What else about Swiggy? You know, like smoke weed, like hang out with friends. Fuck yeah.

What do you like to do with your friends? What do you guys do? You play laser tag or something like that? Nah, I just like fuck around, tell jokes or hang out. All right. Absolutely. That makes sense. How old are you?

You could be anything. I'm 33. I just turned 33. I don't think about that. I'm 33 years old. Cashiering at Terry Blacks, two hits of acid deep on a Monday. Fuck yeah, dude. And now you live here in Austin or are you just visiting?

No, I live here. I moved here in May or whatever. Right. That's right. I knew that actually. I actually got a show coming up at the Green Jay like tomorrow night on a nine o'clock. You have a show coming up? Yeah, doing 10 minutes.

Okay. It's like the best of Houston. I've never even been to Houston. Somehow I'm on the best of Houston. I don't know. I've never been there. Wow. They're lying.

Look at that. This scene must be struggling. Tremendous. Swiggy. Oh shit. There it is. That's what everybody wants. Tony, how did you?

He opened up his step by saying Swiggy and I leaned over to Red Band in the middle of it and I said that he's going to say Swiggy after all of his punchlines. I didn't know you were only going to do one punchline. You called that shit. I did. And here's how I know is because I started with a guy that has the exact same energy that you have Swiggy. His name, I swear to God, was Sceezy.

Sceezy. And he would literally go on stage and say Sceezy and the audience about what? Like they'd start laughing because why the fuck would anyone do that? And then he had a bunch of great jokes and after each quick short great joke he'd go Sceezy in the crowd but lose those shit. It really worked. Have you ever heard of Sceezy? Shane Sceezy?

No, I haven't heard of him. Where did you get that then? Why do you say that? I've been called Swiggy since I've been like middle school and then like for a little while I used that name. Why were you Swiggy? My last name is Pearl Swig. Pearl Swig?

Yeah, it's Jewish. It's weird. Wow. It's one of them kike names. I don't know. Wow. Pearl Swig. Your parents must be disappointed as fuck dude.

Drop the mic, held the beer though the whole time everybody. Fuck yeah. Swiggy. Swiggy. Swiggy. What do your Jewish parents do for a living? My dad's Jewish. My mom's Irish and Catholic.

All right. What does your dad do? My dad works for like a painting company in like Philadelphia. Painting? Yeah. Okay. How about mom? What does she do?

I don't know man. She's like collecting unemployment or something. I don't know. She's a little crazy. I don't know. I think she's like thinks she's a psychic or something. She's a little out there. Really?

Like what is she? Has she ever done any psychic readings for you? Like what has she said? Like what makes you say that? I don't know man. It's weird. It's like very weird to me. What's your...

Yeah. Imagine what she says about you. Swiggy. What's your love life like? Does Swiggy have a little piggy at home waiting for him? Nah. I'm pretty single. I was banging this chick that was like 48.

That was working at the Terry Blacks. She got fired. Jesus Christ. Yeah. She got fired. 48 years old. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude. Wow. This guy Miguel that works there is like you took my Victoria from me. And I'm like what? And he was asking me how much did you pay her? And I'm like I didn't pay her shit man. Like what? I didn't pay him money.

Yeah. So how did it start with you in this 48 year old at Terry Blacks? She just started giving me her eyes home. I take the bus home from work. So she just started giving me her eyes then. Oh hell yeah. She just started blowing me up. Getting Swiggy with me.

Nah nah nah nah nah nah. Gives you a ride home. And there you guys are just using fucking barbecue sauce for lube over there. Animals. I love it. Why do you say she's 48? Does she seem 48? Did you feel like she?

She told me she was 48. Okay. And that's not. He's got. He's got Seth Rogan in. I thought she was like 50 something. No. I'm 48.

I'm like oh okay. Were you guys banging the car at all? How were you guys doing? Were you taking her back to your place? She was weird. She was like you probably don't want me to be seen with you. I'm like oh no. She's like oh I'm 48.

Yeah. I went over her house. We had to go out to this crowbar. We got to the crowbar. I'm like oh we can just hang out here. She just went fuck me. You don't want to go out. And I was like yeah.

I don't know. She made you take her to a bar after having sex with her? Now we went there. I remember they had like a dude that looked like King Diamond or something and said like employee of the month. I was like yeah. I thought that was pretty cool. Did you have sex with her again after having drinks at the crowbar?

Yeah. Okay. Before and after. And again I'm not quite sure that I got a direct answer there. Where exactly did you have sex with her? I had her apartment and then at my place a different time on it. Okay. How many roommates do you have?

My guess is 13. I'll have one roommate. Okay. What's your roommate do for work? He works at the bank. Wow. Look at you. That's weird.

The Jewish father works in painting and the roommate works at the bank. Very interesting twist here. It's 2021. Stereotypes no longer exist. Was the cheeky bang black? No. I banged a black chick before but now this chick is white. Did you ever notice, let me ask you this.

Have you ever noticed a difference between having sex with a black woman and a white woman? What's different having sex with a black woman? I mean I remember one time I was with one and like her weave popped off. That blew me off. And then I thought it was your hair. She was like swiggy. Really you thought that was my hair? And I was like yeah I don't know.

I thought that's why there's so many barbershop movies. What the fuck? Like I don't know. What the fuck? Swiggy you're a wild man dude. I fucking love you. You're crazy. What do you have in your pockets?

Anything exciting? I feel like you have one of those like little hands that you put on your finger tip. I got a weed vape pen on her. A weed vape pen. Look at that. Absolutely pal. Go for it. We're all basically in a play right now.

So it's okay. Oh shit. William taking a hit from the little red machine. Oh shit. What the fuck was that? That tastes weird. You don't know. You got DMT off me.

DMT. DMT William. There's no DMT in it. Nah it's tasty. But to do it I got it from Adam. Swiggy please keep signing up for the show. We absolutely have to get you out of this bucket again. Fuck it.

Swiggy. Swiggy. Swiggy. Swiggy. Swiggy. Swiggy. Swiggy. Fuck yeah dude.

Very hard fist bump from Swiggy. Very aggressive fist bump. Ladies and gentlemen your final comedian of the night, another regular everybody. He just flew in today from Los Angeles, California. This is the legendary David Lucas everybody. Yeah, what's up? They finally got my dog, R. Kelly, man.

R. Kelly is gone. R. Kelly. I knew R. Kelly was going to prison when they brought that gay nigga out to testify. He was like, God damn man, I said I'm fucking guilty. What the fuck, y'all brought La Trail out? I don't know man, like I'm not canceling R. Kelly, man. Like so what?

He peed on some bitches, you know? Women pee on men and call that shit squirt, you know? Why the fuck should I cancel R. Kelly for doing the same shit y'all do to us, you know? Like nigga, I would sacrifice my mama for the remix to the Ignition, you know what I'm saying? I'm not canceling no goddamn mark. If we cancel R. Kelly, what the fuck are we going to step in

the name of at a wedding? That's what I want to know. Alright guys, thanks. Hell yeah, brand new R. Kelly material. Yeah. Hot off the presses with the recent imprisonment of the great R. Kelly. I ain't seen you like three weeks, bro.

You got rid of that cowboy shit. No, I'm just taking the night off tonight. You came dressed like a gay Harry Potter tonight. Oh, no you didn't. Oh my God. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Dildo. Oh my God. You just put the word dildo in there and it works.

I don't know if you can make fun of people, David. I mean, you're coming in here with the table from Beetlejuice as your haircut, so. This is where we all sing Jump in the Line from Harry Bellafonte. You look like a dick jumping out of a blue tube sock. Bustin' out. You know that meme that everybody sends around

of the naked black guy with the giant dick? You look like there's four of them sitting on top of your head right now. You look like there are four giant black cocks coming off the top of his head. Did you go to the barber shop and ask him for what Tony wants in his butt per week? Oh, he flipped a gay joke on himself, folks.

He just jiu-jitsu'd. I said, give me four of Tony's sex toys. But you're the only person who got that black guy saved as your screen lock. That's true. That is my home screen is my good friend. I love it. What are you even up to?

Where you been? Denver, Brea. I was living through the 13th in November at the Arlington Improv. Tomorrow with Rogan and Wednesday with Rogan. Oh, nice. Thursday Secret Show. Hell yeah.

Yeah. I'm on those shows with you this week. You have pockets on your sleeves. What do you keep in there exactly? What type of honey bun do you keep in there? I keep gay jokes in there for your ass, motherfucker. Oh, man. That's true.

No one loves honey buns like I do. Let me pull one out. Honey, honey buns. Tony looked like a gay paralegal. Objection. No, okay. I love it. You have a little tear in your jeans down there.

You got a little tear in your asshole. It's been three weeks, man. I got some shit going on. It is true. It has been three weeks. I love it. Yeah, that is similar to Cosmopolitan. Yeah, that's supposed to be a black folks drink.

What are those? What are these shoes that you have? Are these new orthopedics that we're talking about here? These are Travis Scott's, dawg. You wouldn't know about this. I love it. I didn't even realize you were wearing shoes. I thought the green was just the diabetes taking over.

That's the only gang that David's ever been in is gang green. Those pockets on your sleeves. What are those? Hot pockets? You got a stripe on your arm for every time you say no one is fucking you. There'd be a lot more stripes if that was true. I like saying no. I'm sorry.

I got to bleep that N word out. It's been three weeks. I'm sorry, y'all. We'll get it. We'll get rid of it. We'll get rid of it. Hit me again, dawg. This shit turned me on.

You used to do a podcast with William famously, Brothers in Cursif, launched, helped launch both of your careers. William, your brother in Cursif, David Lucas. It's so nice to see you. I'm glad of all of your success as my life is starting to turn into a nightmare. So I'm glad somebody's doing good. Nah, bro. You're doing good, dawg.

You just did. You saw, what, 200 tickets in Philly where you was at? That was a made up story. After you told me all the places you were opening, I had to make that up. So I'm telling you, hit here first. We need somebody to put me and Will on a co-headliner tour. That'll sell out all over America, dawg. Yeah.

Absolutely. That'll sell out, bro. Last time I asked for a manager, I got one. We're an agent at. Oh, there you go. That's how it happens. Absolutely. There's probably a big Hollywood agent out there right now.

I'm going to sign the guy with cat poop on his head. It does look like cat poop. That looks like leopard poop. Yeah, bro. If they'll sign to stand in for Woody on Toy Story, they'll sign me. No. Fuck. Is that a Toy Story joke?

Yeah. Hell yeah. I said you was the stand in for Woody on Toy Story. Oh, OK. But is it Woody that you look like? If you were in Toy Story, you'd be Buzz Heavy Year. David Lucas and I have been roasting each other for years. If you were in Toy Story, you'd be Mr. Potato Head.

Because you like having shit pushed in you. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. God damn it. You got me good. You got me good on that one. I can't think of one fucking Toy Story character to save my life right now. You had the only Mr. Potato Head with a hole in the ass for you to...

Not all of us can be shaped like the things that don't want to get grabbed in the grab machine in Toy Story. That is what you look like right now. You do look like a BT version of Shrek right now. David, you're the absolute best. I'm so glad that you're back in town. Everyone shows with Rogan and I all week. The great David Lucas is back, everybody.

And that was tonight's amazing episode. Thank you to the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. And of course, how about another hand for the screwball peanut butter whiskey kill Tony band, huh? Matt Mueling, Michael Gonzalez and D-Madness. How loud can this place get for our guest and one of my best friends and without a doubt one of my favorite comedians in the world, William Montgomery, everybody. Thank you for having me. Yeah.

Another great join from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Shout out to all of you for coming out tonight. So much fun. Always a pleasure. And be sure to check out CM's Smokehouse at Bolden Acres. It's really unbelievable as we're talking about barbecue a lot this episode. So check that out, you local people. And to those of you listening around the world on the Internet, thank you.

We'll see you next week. Thanks, guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Bye.