KILL TONY - #530 - JUSTIN MARTINDALE

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

Justin Martindale, William Montgomery, Matthew Muehling, Hans Kim, David Lucas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 10/11/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shop Squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at Shop Squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. A brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for TonyHinchCliff.

Wow. Austin, Texas. Come on. You can make more noise than that. It's Monday fucking night. Oh shit, dude. It's going down. Brian, red bands here. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Am I right? What the fuck is going on here? Nobody does Mondays quite like we do. The number one live podcast in the world and this is the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band, everybody. The great Matt Mueling on guitar. We got Tevin on drums tonight, his first time joining us while the great Michael Gonzalez is out touring with some huge, huge musicians.

And of course, we have our staple, the main man holding it down. D-Madness, everybody, here on Bass Guitar. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. Of course, like I said, the screwball peanut butter whiskey band, canteen and cantina, that's vodka soda and tequila soda. Northern Lights, vodka soda, brings you tonight's show. The great Ryan J. E. Belt is drawing it all the way from Los Angeles, California. If you're watching this on YouTube, why not subscribe? That's what the kids are saying. And we're all stuffed up on delicious food by C.M. Smokehouse at Bolden Acres.

Shout out to our friend, Cade, with the best barbecue in town. Crunchwrap Supreme, check it out. Yeah, a bunch of good shit over there. And follow our friend, Yoni, the producer of the show at Best BBQ. And let's do it, right? But before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. You know, when the moment for intimacy arrives, you need to be ready. Roman ready. Whether you've been in a relationship for years or just getting started, having the confidence that comes from preparation means you're free to enjoy the moment when the moment comes.

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Use code KILLTONY at checkout to receive 5% off your order. That's right. It must be 21 to purchase. So you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, as you've learned here in Austin, I always have one of the funniest people in town this week. Absolutely no different. This is a comedy store paid regular that I've worked with for years, passed by the queen herself, Mitzy Shore, a real comedy store regular and amazing comedian. This is Justin Martindale, everybody. Come on! Originally from the state of Texas, he is back. It's been a long time since we had Justin Martindale on the show. Headlining the creek in the cave this Thursday and Friday, famous from the Glitter and Garbage podcast with Justin Marino.

Of course, you had your own show on E at one point. Comedy store paid regular. You're the fucking man. Welcome. How you doing, Justin? I'm good. It's good to be back in Texas. That's for damn sure. Born and raised in Texas. San Antonio, right? San Antonio. I grew up there, yeah. We made friends in Los Angeles. It's fine. That's this, yeah. Justin has an incredible story. He was doing a show, an outside promoted show at the comedy store in which Mitzy Shore, towards the end of her life,

literally stumbled in and caught him before the showcases that were scheduled to happen. She didn't pass in classic Mitzy Shore form. She didn't pass anybody on the scheduled program of people that were up working their lives, hoping that this lady would like her. Instead, she liked the guy on the show before, Justin Martindale. And I was hated by everyone. Oh, yeah. Whitney Cummings wanted to slice your cock off. I want to slice her cock off. Yeah, you know what the fuck's up. That's what we're talking about. Weren't you the last person to be passed by Mitzy Shore?

Yeah, I'm the last one. That is true. That is it. So you're looking at him right here. This is the final passing of Mitzy Shore. I'm so sorry. You guys know how this show works. A bunch of people signed up before for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then. I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear. And then after their time is up, I interview them. I talk with them about the set that they just had. And we find out more about their lives. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

Yes! Let's start it off with a bang. Before I reach my hand in this bucket, where over 100 people signed up for the opportunity to get on the show tonight. Why don't we use one of our regulars, huh? What do you guys think? We went this tonight? This guy was made a regular here in Austin, Texas. He's on an absolute fucking kill streak that nobody could possibly fathom. He might be our greatest ever regular in the making.

Ladies and gentlemen, kicking off tonight's show, 60 seconds new from the great Hans Kim. And here we go! Hey, what's up guys? I love you. I hate it when people call me autistic. It makes me want to break eye contact and hum a song quietly to myself. I'm in a long distance relationship right now, which is the worst, because that's the worst place to have a girlfriend is far away. It's like owning a star.

I got the certificate right here. She's really hot. I love it. It's like an African child that I send a dick pic to every now and then. It's like having a cheeseburger in Europe. I can't touch it or smell it or taste it, but the European guy has it all over his mouth right now. Thank you.

Wow, he does it again. It continues. The great Hans Kim, Reigns Supreme. Thank you. The audience kind of laughed after my first tag. It's like I have two more, you know. Yeah, good problems to have when the audience is laughing too much at your first tag. You're like, God damn it, will you people shut up so that I could get to this other material? Good problems to have as we'll see when my hand goes and reaches the name out of that bucket. You'll see people later on.

You'll be like, wow, this guy doesn't seem to have that problem at all. But Hans, just jokes on jokes on jokes. It's all true. You are autistic. Are you really in a long term relationship or long distance? No, not really. But that joke was amazing. I mean, if you're going to lie, that's what it's all about. Make it funny.

Fuck yeah. What else is going on, Hans? I completed a comedy tour recently. I slept with my feature Riley Gilmore in the same hotel bed. Did you try to dry Humber? Did you try to do anything? That's a guy. That's Riley as a man. Doesn't matter.

People don't know who Riley Gilmore is. It's not a famous name, so you'd have to explain that when you say it. He's a good friend of mine. I call him by his full name. In bed? Riley Gilmore. So you did a tour? How many nights? What cities? How many nights? Two nights, one night in Abilene, one night in Sweetwater, Texas. Got to know the people of Texas.

You made Sweetwater sweet and sour water, huh? I don't know. I don't know, people. We're just getting warmed up here, you know what I'm saying? So how did these shows go for you? How long of a set did you do? Were you headlining? Yeah, I was headlining. I did 40 minutes. Yeah! The little baby boy is all grown-ups. Look at you. I can't wait to do it more. I would love to be booked. Please book me. I can do child's parties.

Hell yeah. Was that the longest set you've ever done? I did 45 before, but it's the longest set I've done recently after the pandemic. Okay. All right. Very good. What else is going on? Are you single now? Yes. Oh. There's a pause there. Yeah, because he's in this on-again-off-again relationship with this white girl.

Oh, and he's autistic. Yeah. He thinks the feeling he feels is love. But what we know is it's just that little fucking South Korean egg roll just fucking getting wild down there. It gets a little hard. It goes from a spring roll to an egg roll real quick, you know what I'm saying? It gets hard. All right. Forget it. So what's going on? Have you hooked up with anyone new or anything? No. I got recognized at the Abilene Zoo by a dude. Oh, that makes sense. That tracks.

I was hoping you were going to name an animal of some kind, just an elephant. That's it. I'm a big fan. Listen to the Unkilled Tony. That's what he said. What did the fan at the zoo say? He said, you're hilarious. Bye. Wow. Someone more autistic than you. Hard to do. Hard to pull off. But at a zoo is where you find these people. Hans, what else is happening? We found out you can sing. We found out you can play guitar. Are there any more special talents that you haven't shared with us yet that...

I mean, I could try freestyling. Oh, yes. Absolutely. South Korean freestyle. Nothing like it, people. Abs of fucking Lutely. I used to do it a lot. Really? Yeah, with just comedians, but I'm kind of rusty. But I sang Mulan at karaoke. I'm pretty good at Mulan. I want to hear you. How many of you think we should have Hans freestyle right now?

You want to give us a little something there, Tevin, or D-Madness? Let's see what happens here. Give us a little beat. Oh, shit. Here we go. Yo, yo, yo. Here Unkilled Tony freestyling like I'm Boney, but don't worry, because I'm made of money. Don't worry, I'll steal your honey. Don't worry, I'm kind of funny. Because that's what I'm all about. Unkilled Tony, I sing Mulan at karaoke. Feel your bitch. She owes me a fee. Watch out, because I'll pee on her.

And she'll like it, because that's what she's all about. She'll like it when I take a shit on her. She'll like it when I purr. Like Unkilled Tony, being a real boney. Watch out, I'm made of money. Oh, shit, okay. I mean, it's got a chorus. He does have a chorus to his freestyle rap. You don't see that very often. I'm Unkilled Tony, I'm not Boney, I'm made of money. I take shits on women? Yeah, I think true words have never been spoken.

That is a wild freestyle rap. I didn't realize you were made of money, Hans. I thought you lived in your van. Mulan would be proud, I think. But it's funny, in the rap world, that's what you could do. You didn't pretty much say anything about money. Even if you owed the IRS a bunch of it. Do you pay taxes, Hans? Have you? Yeah, my dad does it for me.

Yeah, that's an Asian stereotype right there. They always pay their taxes. I specialize in Asian stereotypes, for those of you that don't know. Oh, yeah, I heard about that. I have a degree in R-Ride anyway. Have you ever dated an Asian girl, Hans, your whole life? He's not into it. No, I haven't. It's like looking in a mirror. He doesn't like it very much. He likes white, as he's described, Nordic women.

Oh, yes. The pure whiteness. I love defiling pure whiteness. So like an Elsa? But you didn't get late after any of these shows. You're out there headlining. Yeah, no, I mean, it didn't happen, but it's fine. There weren't that many women at these shows. I tend to draw a large male audience. Were you at a gay bar? Yeah.

Do Asian butch lesbians exist, or are they just like one of the guys? Yeah, they exist. They're slightly more masculine than me. Oh, wow. Oh, all right. Okay. Well, Hans, another unbelievable new minute. Great times always talking with you. Thank you guys. Kill Tony. He's not bony. He's made of money.

It's Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go to this bucket. Let's see what happens here. This is where the shit really gets crazy. Could be somebody that is not well. Could be an amazing local talent. The first name that I pull out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Ron Ryan Westover. Ryan Westover is first on Kill Tony.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Ryan Westover, everybody. Hello, everyone. I'm very insecure. I always have been. Like, even when I was little, I used to hang out with pedophiles to seek reassurance, you know? It helped me out. It did. Landed them a sentence, but it made me feel like I was worth something, you know? Sitting in the back of that van like, you know what, John? I am a confident young man.

I'll take my pants off now, you know? My girlfriend and I just moved to Texas. We're living with her brother. And it's been hard trying to have sex living under the same roof, you know? We try our best to be discreet about it. But like, no matter what, my girlfriend always ends up catching us every single time. You know what I always say, though? You can't be low-key because anal is smelly.

I'm sorry I said that last part. Thanks. Ryan Westover, closing with a little apology. Welcome to the show, Ryan. Thank you. How long have you been on stand-up? Almost a year and a half. Almost a year and a half. Where at? Utah, Salt Lake City.

Salt Lake City, Utah. Absolutely. The kind of white people that Hans Kim loves the most. Welcome, welcome. Is this true? You live with your girlfriend? Yeah, yeah. We live at her parents' house. Okay. My brother's there, too. All right. I like it. What do you do for work? I work at a Bird Bird Biscuit.

I work to make sandwiches. Okay. Yeah, I just got the job. All right. Yeah. Okay. So you basically are like a sandwich artist? I am. I try to be. All right.

I'm not very good at it. Okay. What the level of an education do you have? I am a high school diploma. That's right. You will be making sandwiches for the rest of your life. That's right. That's life. Welcome to life. It's not easy. Thank you. I'm learning that.

This is what the world has come to now. Yeah. Good white people like Ryan out here making sandwiches for better white people. That's just what the world is. That's how it works. There's nothing. It's not all glitz and glam out here.

Someone's got to do it. Show business. Ryan, what does your girlfriend do for work? She's a server at a restaurant. Okay. Yeah. All right. Server at a restaurant.

What about you, Ryan? What else about you? Like what do you do for fun? What's something we'd be surprised to know? I like to drink. It's a good hobby. It's basically, yeah. And then I just do this very, very simple life.

Yeah. What about when you drink? Do you do anything in particular for fun? Are you like a pinball wizard or anything like that? No. Not at all. I just get drunk and really sad. Really?

Yeah. At the end. It's about it. It's the sandwiches. Yeah. I just... Just crying into sandwiches? Yeah.

I just talked to my girlfriend later. I'm like, am I funny? Do you think I'm funny? That's basically, yeah. Wow. Okay. Jesus Christ. Oh my God.

I know. He's going to cut later. Yeah. Really is. A sandwich in half, am I right? All right. Wow. There must be something we're missing here.

How about during the day? Any weird habits or things that you do? Oh, I jerked off a bunch today. Why do you jerk off if your girlfriend's there? No, she wasn't there all day. She was working. Oh, okay. I had a day off.

All right. What did you jerk off to exactly? What type of porn did you specifically end up on? Sandwich porn. Yeah. Give me some bread. Guac is extra. I think I've fallen in loaf.

Sandwich porn jokes, people. I started off with straight porn. Straight porn. Oh, yeah. That's where we all start. Get it warmed up. Well, easy, easy. And then get to the goods.

You know what I'm talking about? Get ready to scrub that browser. Yeah. What'd you end up on? Bisexual porn. Whoa. This guy gets points for honesty, everybody. Little gay?

Little gay. How bisexual are we talking about? Like, enough to talk to you guys about it, but not enough. Go on. But not enough to tell my uncle about it. Very good. Fair. I love it, Ryan.

Very, very interesting. Have you always had that mustache? No, no. It goes in waves. Sometimes I have it. It just depends how I'm feeling, you know? Matches the bail bond shirt. Thank you.

It does. It does. Any fun facts about your family, Ryan? What do your parents do for work? My dad's a financial advisor. Wow. Look at that. Is he?

How disappointed is he in you? My goodness. No, he wants me to take over. Wow. You're out there fucking buttering bread, and he's fucking crunching numbers. Wow. How about your mom? What does she do?

She used to be a personal trainer. Now she's a stay-at-home mom. Okay. Now that you're out of the house, she's a stay-at-home mom. She was just avoiding you the whole time. He's gone. All right. Now I'll do my mom duties instead of raising a sandwich maker.

You have younger brothers and sisters, obviously? I do. I have an older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister. Okay. That's good. That's good. Is there anyone in the family more promising than you? Yeah, yeah.

Actually, my older brother has a bachelor's in psychology, so he's doing good. He's doing pretty well. Wow. And my little brother's in college, so I'm the only one that has a village. I went to community college. That's about it. Oh, my goodness gracious. Okay.

Yeah. Yikes. You're doing great. You know? How old are you? How old are you, Ryan? I'm 23. 23 years old.

I love it. You're doing a good job. You're going to be just fine. You're making sandwiches today. Thank you. These are custom-made, handmade leather joke books by the great Bones Eye. You get a big one today. Congratulations.

There you go. Ryan Westover. There you go. Nice. I like it. Yeah, he's cute. He'll be fine. He'll be fine.

He'll be fine. Nat Rogachevsky's next on Kill Tony. Let's see what happens here. Rogachevsky. All right. Here comes the Nat. One more time for Nat Rogachevsky. Damn, I timed that perfectly.

Holy shit. That was fucking cool. Guys, I hate working. I hate like nine to fives and stuff like that. How do you work a nine to five go home and not just like immediately like just beat the shit out of your kids? You know what I mean? My mom used to work a nine to five. Not good, dude.

Not good at all. She would come home. This was like the 90s or whatever. She'd see I did something wrong. Like leave the light on in the bedroom. She'd be like, stop hammer time. I'd be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. My, my, my, my, my mom hits me so hard.

Nat Rogachevsky bringing back MC Hammer references. And they're working. Absolutely working for you. Is it true your mom used to beat you? Oh yeah, dude. What would she beat you with? Hands. Oh, just straight up hands.

Yeah, hands and fists. Oh, wow. Hands and fists. Very interesting. Very old school. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. It was great.

Did it happen a lot? Yeah. Were you a bad kid? Sometimes. Not as much as I was beat up. Is this a cry for help? Yeah, I think it's a... Welcome to another episode of Too Little Too Late, everybody.

We actually have your mom here. Come on out, Rogachevsky. Come on out. Who's MC Hammer? I love it. Did you ever stand up to her and say like, can't touch this? No? Hey, there you go.

Add it to the mix. You could be like Hans Kim and have too many tags. I do have that tag. I just ran out of time. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. There you go. I dabble.

Yeah. So, Nat, you've been on this show before. Remind us of what we talked about last time you were on. I was addicted to heroin. We talked about that. Oh, yeah. Got into it pretty good there. That was it.

That was it. Oh, you're talking about me being addicted to heroin a lot. Yeah. That was cool. I love it. Your shirt still on heroin. That's what being on heroin feels like is what that looks like. Yeah.

I love it. What else is going on? What do we do for work again, Nat? I'm unemployed right now. Unemployed? How are you surviving? I'm just rolling through savings. I used to sell a bunch of drugs, so I'm like just rolling through all that money.

Wow. The rare drug dealer that saves money. Very interesting. I love it. Yeah. I love it. You make any investments or anything like that? Yeah.

I actually crushed on GameStop. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. Absolutely. Damn. People going crazy over here at the GameStop reference.

Yeah. How much money did you make? Are you like Han's camera? Are you made of money? I went up like 60 on GameStop. 60,000? Yeah. Wow.

That's very good. That's good for a comedian. That's good for a heroin addict. That's good for somebody that used to get beaten by their mother. A lot better than the fucking lazy ass sandwich maker we had up here a second ago. Yeah. Quit your job. Sell drugs, dude.

I know. Way better. Making sandwiches. Jesus. Fucking Christ. I love it. What do you like to do for fun, Nat, now that you're not on heroin anymore? I like going to the movies.

I like to work out, believe it or not. I like to... Wow. I really enjoy doing it. Must be lower body workout. Another feet day. Only legs. Every day's leg day, yeah.

Yeah, only legs. I mean, I hang out with all my comic friends out here. The comic homies are the best here in Austin. They're the coolest dudes. It is. It's a real scene. A lot of people saying the comedy capital of the world. That's rocking.

So that's fun. What do you love about Austin? How long have you lived here? Just over a month and a half. What do you love about it so far? H-E-B? H-E-B is the best. H-E-B is the shit.

H-E-B is the shit. We love H-E-B. H-E-B does rip. I love H-E-B. What are some of your favorite H-E-B brand products that you get from H-E-B? They have the best almond butter in the game. Yeah, they do. What is the deal with H-E-B almond butter?

It really is nuts. Anyway, I love it. No, it is true. They do it. They have a special almond going on over there because their chocolate-covered almond is unbelievable. That's the truth. Hell yeah. Even D-Madness knows what the fuck is up with the chocolate-covered almonds.

That's a fact. Of course, sometimes it's just nuts and bolts that he ends up eating, but... Yeah. No, don't attack me, D. Don't attack me. D just jumps at one of the speakers, thinking that he's going to get me. I know where that sound's coming from. These are funny because D-Madness is blind, believe it or not.

Oh, okay. I know. You just thought he was the world's sleepiest bass player back there, but can't see anything. Has your mom ever apologized for beating the fuck out of you? Yeah, it's a lot better now. Don't you notice that moms play it down like they didn't really beat you up as much as you quite remember? Yeah, they like to talk about it. They're like, man, back then was crazy, huh?

My mom used to beat the shit out of me, but I don't ever play the victim card in public. I can't really relate to it, but I'm pretty sure it's why it became wildly successful. It is weird, too, that she apologized and then you did heroin. My mom would kick the shit out of me if I did heroin. Do you beat girls now because of it? Maybe she beat them up like karma, like it happened before. Maybe she knew she's beating you up for doing heroin. Yeah, that was way, way later.

Right, but maybe she knew, mother's instinct. She was trying to beat the heroin addiction out of you before. She failed. Right, yeah. Exactly, she wanted to hit you with a belt. You're like, tie it around, tie it around. Nat, you did it again. Did you get a joke book last time you were on?

He's already got a big joke book. This guy's walking on water. Another great set. Nat Rogachevsky, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. He's on Instagram at nat.comedian. I'm going to pull another name out of this bucket. Yeah, little ashtray.

Oh, this is very exciting. This guy's a buddy of ours. He just moved here, very new to stand-up comedy. I'm excited to see what happens here. This is Yonder, everybody. Yonder, one of the newest residents of Austin, Texas. Very fun, gentlemen. Yonder Wizard.

Here he comes. He's on the left. He comes from this side over here. Come on, put your hands together one more time for our friend. Yonder, everybody. Let's see what happens here. So I'm Hagrid. If the house he was sorted into was the Waffle House.

I want to start a Christmas music festival. We call it Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-palooza. We're a little too far away from Christmas for that. Halloween's coming up, though. It's nice to see the city of Austin got their Halloween decorations out. You know, those ones that come to life when you walk past them. Except they only say, hey, man, you got a cigarette. Thank you.

Wow, Yonder. Holy shit. What a great set. It's been a long time since we've seen you, correct? Yeah, man. When's the last time you were on this show? That place does shall not be named. Oh, that's right.

That shit hole on Fifth Street down there. That's the one. They're right between the Russian House and Eddie V's. It's a shame. I can't remember what the fuck it's called. Anyway, I love it. So Yonder, incredible. I do believe, I think you would agree.

That was a great set for you. You're new at stand-up comedy, correct? Yeah, pretty new within the last year or so. Yep, absolutely. That's to us. That's new as shit. I love it, man. Look at you.

You are just really something else, huh? I've never seen it. You remind me of the type of guy that would grow out of a tree or something like that. Yeah. With a tree growing out of you. I picture you being like a peaceful, happy tree at the root, the bark. I can see it. I feel like when you come, you always say, ha-za afterwards.

Yeah, how do you do it? I feel like he doesn't ever come. Am I right? You seem like the kind of guy that's held onto your nut for quite a long time. Dude, all this is backed up, come. If I blow, I'll be your size, bro. Oh, shit. Damn.

I love it. I had a feeling. I have good instincts for things like that. I always know the last time a guy comes, I have a real knack for it. Yonder, what is your love life like? You seem like you kind of look like who you might end up with if you drink too much tequila. You wake up. Yeah.

Seems like you would wake up next to someone that looks like you. I keep a mirror by me at all times. Well, yeah, I don't really care. I don't try to fuck. I just don't care. You're like a nerd, right? Yeah. I'm kind of a nerd.

Well, I mean, so this is kind of funny. I actually had to explain my first sexual experience to a lot of people. Go on. Yeah. Yeah. I got a blowjob from my eighth grade teacher when I was in ninth grade. Damn. By the looks of you, I'm guessing it was a science teacher.

Yeah. Nice guy. Wow, they love it. Austin's going wild for Yonder Wizard tonight. It was actually at a Christian school. It was one of those. Yeah. We'll teach you all the subjects.

That'll do it. We're not surprised. Yeah. That's what they do at a Christian school. Get on your knees, boy, and pray. That's right. Was he a pastor? No.

It was actually, it was a she. Yeah. But no, she was the youth leader. She was our youth leader. Did she teach a specific subject? Yeah. It was one of those like commingled one teacher would teach a couple subjects. Did she blow you to completion?

Yes. Wow. Yes. Wow. Damn. Little, those little eighth grade fucking HEB almonds. The best thing, right? Praise be.

Praise be. It's shooting that fucking almond butter right down her throat. Incredible. That's so hot. We had just finished praying for the, for the health of our Sunday school teachers. I was a fucking Sunday school teacher. Wow. Look at that.

Who said Sundays can't be the best day of the week? Yeah. So how does this happen? You remember what she said to you or anything like that? Is she like, take your diaper off. I'm going to suck your cock. As a matter of fact, I do. She said, take your diaper off.

No, come on. No. She literally, we got done and I was a good little Christian boy and I was so upset. I was like, I'm going to disappoint God. He's not going to let me in heaven. And I don't want to do this. Was this during the blow job or after? Yeah.

I'm like, Jesus. No, this is before the part where I usually come is right there. We're like, oh, Jesus is disappointed in me. Yeah. Me too. Same. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the fun part. That's the best. But, but not. She, she called me on my, my grandmother's cell phone that I used to borrow back then. Whoa. And Nokia. Yes. Hell yeah.

3395. Before she put your snake in her mouth. Yeah. And she said to me, all I need was five minutes. Wow. How long did it take? Not that long. She's like, what do I do with this extra four and a half minutes?

How old was she? Like she was like 24. Oh, that's hot. Wow. Have you tried to find her on Facebook or anything? Yeah. Let's find her. We're, we're Facebook friends.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. All water under the bridge, you know. God damn it. That is fucking wild. Wild. Have you hit her up since then? No, I have not.

I figured it's probably, it's probably for the best. Like, I had to explain all this shit because, you know, back in the day before cell phones, if you picked up one phone to talk to somebody in the house, you could hear conversations and conversations were heard. Yeah. How old are you Yonder wizard? You look like you could be anywhere between 25 and 4,000 years old. I literally turned.

Yeah. Like an old oak tree. Thirteen hundred and one. Yeah. This past Thursday. We have to count the rings. Yeah. Count the rings.

Yeah. Yeah. What do you like to do for fun, Yonder? I know you're into VR. You're part of red bands like the crazy creepy VR incel circle. Yeah. Shout out virtual red band. No, I do music, man.

I fuck around with music a lot. What do you do with music? Whatever's missing, honestly. Really? Yeah. You play like multiple instruments in one day? Yeah. Really?

You should hear him play guitar, man. It's fucking awesome. Really? Do we ever have you play an instrument on the show? No, I was saying I don't think I've ever played anything. Really? What do you think, Matt? Should we give this guy a shot on guitar?

Okay. Let's see what happens here. This guy looks like the grateful bread. Yonder. This guy looks like, uh, looks like, uh, looks like, uh, all right. There we go. It's a little something from yonder wizard. He's got a lot of cable there.

This is very interesting. Can't fit the guitar strap around his, uh, massive head. I mean, for those of you just listening to the podcast, this guy is huge. Oh, shit. Whoa. Wow. All right, all right, all right. Bring it.

There we go. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Jammin' over here. Wow. That was good. Wow. Keep your eye on me, dude.

It's like if fish had carbs in it. Fish filet. Yeah. Bro, that's the one. The one with the cheese. It's like if Nickelback went to Outback. Yeah. I love the agro tech.

D-Madness. No idea where he is right now. It's very exciting. Wow. Hell yeah. Rhythm and blue cheese, something like that. Yeah. That's something else I was thinking.

You know, Yannar, if you're free on Halloween, I would love to have you at the secret show Halloween show. Whoa. And you know what? Hell yeah, dude. Fuck at it. And you know what? You don't even have to dress up.

You're already one best costume at, uh, the Halloween. Have you gotten one of these joke books before? I do. I've got a, uh, I got a giant joke book. He actually ordered a custom one. Straight to Bonsai, the great atrian Kavazzo. Switch anybody can do if you're listening. Get a custom made joke book for yourself by going to, uh, hitting up Bonsai on Instagram.

B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. Yannar, congratulations. Thank you. I've known you for quite a while as a, uh, as a leader amongst, uh, you know, like the, uh, the fan base and whatnot out there on the discord and. Your patron. He actually graduated. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm very, very proud of you for that. You attended all the, like a lot of those classes that, uh, there was something for me to do during the, uh, lockdown pandemic. When I came out with roast university on Patreon, you were an amazing student. It makes me so happy to that, uh, you killed with this minute. It's incredible to watch you go from fucking a comedy fan to somebody getting big laughs. There he goes.

Yonder wizard everybody. Follow him on social media at all. One word. Yonder wizard. W I Z Z. ERD. So proud of him. That was good.

All right. Let's pull another name out of this bucket before we get to our next special treat. Let's see what happens. Are you guys having fun out there? All right. Luke Newman is next on kill Tony. Make some noise for Luke Newman. He's going to make his way to this stage.

Here he comes. It's all happening. Monday night live in Austin, Texas. One more time. This is Luke Newman, everybody. How's it going? I'm white. Thank you.

Um, but I'm from Oakland, East Oakland, California. Okay. Not a, not a lot of white people out there. Um, my parents were some of the first white people to move out there. Some OGs, original gentrifiers. And, uh, it was hard, man. It's hard being white in East Oakland. I got fucked with a lot.

You know, people always think I was from the suburbs and shit. You know, like, where are you from? White boy. You know, I'd be like, man, you broke into my house. I'm, I'm from my house. Welcome. Absolutely. Luke Newman.

Welcome. Welcome. Great set. Love the joke. I too, born and raised in an all black neighborhood. Is that where you were born in Oakland? Born and raised, yeah. Wow.

Incredible. Uh, yeah. How long have you, uh, you just visiting Austin? Yeah. For, for a week or so. Okay. When did you get here? Uh, today.

Wow. You flew in today from Oakland. Yeah. Southwest. Southwest. Of course. Yeah. Southwest.

Direct to Oakland. I know. I've been doing the road a long time people. I mean, now I fly on Jetsons shit with Joe Rogan. But I mean, I remember the old routes. I remember the old days before he gets yourself canceled people. It's a good life. Okay.

So Luke Newman, uh, what do you do for work? You seem like you have a real job. You have the beard of a man that has a real job. You're not out there making fucking sandwiches. I make pizza. Oh. What are you going to do? Sometimes, sometimes you're just not right, Tony.

That's next level shit. Yeah. It really is. It's one up from sandwich. Absolutely. Absolutely. You had to go to college for at least a few months to get to pizza. Yeah.

You got to drop out. Yeah. Absolutely. Um, all right. How long you been making pizzas for? Um, for a few years. I used to deliver them. Oh, promoted.

Yeah. Absolutely. Is this like a real pizza place or like Papa John's? It's complicated. It's like a pasta factory. We make a bunch of stuff, but I make the pizza. Okay. All right.

You get paid well? No. No. Exactly. But I get free pizza and pasta. Absolutely. It works out. Absolutely.

I know a lot of people that would work just for that alone. Pizza and pasta. Ah. I love it. Uh, what's your, uh, what's your love life like? Uh, pretty, pretty dry. Yeah. Wow.

Your voice cracked and everything on that one. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. Have you ever taken pizza dough and made love to it? Yes. No. The old stuffed crust. You know what I'm talking about?

The old fucking, the old fucking Mama John's. The old fucking, uh, the fucking. It feels like, it feels like skin. It might work out. It might be good. If you put enough olive oil in there. Yeah. Do you have a little?

All right. You guys, you know what? You guys made it weird. Not me. Well, I don't, I mean. Sons of bitches. Do you have a, do you have a big or a little Caesar? Yeah.

There's some chicken in there. You ever think about putting a bun in the oven? You know what I'm talking about? All right. Pizza slice. Pizza sex jokes. I love it. Uh, what's your best kind of pizza that you make?

Um, I make, uh. You have a special pizza that you make? Yeah. I gotta put some serranos on there. Oh hell yeah. You see the hand movement there? How he said serranos? How he fucking threw it?

Like. Godfather music. Some red onions. You know what I mean? Red band thinks serrano peppers are Italian. Yeah. It's the, uh. Yeah, that's.

Hey, Tony Serrano. Hey. Didn't they just get a new movie about those guys? The serranos. I swear to God. The serranos. I do put some fetta on there. Hell yeah.

Absolutely. All right. So the love life struggling. What do you like to do for fun? You have any special skills or talents? Um, I play a little music. What type of music do you play? I used to be, I used to be like a rapper or whatever.

Get the fuck out of here. On this very special episode of unsuspecting rappers. Wow. I've heard of eight, eight mile. Sixth street, everybody. Uh, I got to listen to this ultra white guy from Oakland that makes pizzas. I got to hear you rap.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Luke Newman, everybody. All right. Please slow down a little bit. Oh yeah. There you go. I like he's in full control. All right. Got that bourbon virus trying to earn my Irish.

Stand swivel headed. I'd be spitting lead it. Talking gasoline. You want to practice team. Trying to fill a buster. Boy, I'm killing Custer. I don't know Vegas strip, but you ain't playing shit. Watch me dip downtown on surround sound.

Got a couple broken ankles. God know I'm thankful. And I forgot the rest. Hell yeah. Absolutely. One of my favorite pizza making rappers of all time. Actually, believe it or not. I love it.

I love it. Were you in an Oakland gang growing up? Did you were you like? Oh, we don't really have gangs over there, but there's little clicks and shit. Yeah. The Ku Klux Klan it's called. They lose out there.

Small click and no click. I love it. What are you like? You have any big goals or dreams or anything like that? I love to become like a stand-up comedian. Right. Right. How long you been doing this?

Like about five years. Five years. And you had a great set. You're already doing it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. You've made such a great set. You're already doing it. Thank you.

You think staying in Oakland is a move for you? You see yourself perhaps taking a chance, moving somewhere where comedy is a little bit bigger? Yeah. I'm out here doing some recon. Yeah. So I'm thinking about moving here. I like it.

There you go. Yeah. Perhaps a future Austin resident, Luke Newman. We need someone that knows how to make a good pizza in this fucking city, I'm telling you. I don't know what's going on here, but somehow Austin has the best sushi I've ever had in my life, and there's no fucking pizza anywhere.

Yeah. I agree. Everybody settles for Via 313, but I'm not buying that shit. Sorry. Sorry. It's not that good. It's not. I'm a world traveler.

I know a lot of you people didn't make it out of Abilene, but let me tell you. You know what? You know what? Everyone told me the same thing. I finally had it. That Detroit style pizza, that tasted exactly like Pizza Hut's Detroit style pizza.

There you go. Nobody knows more about dog shit food than Brian Redband. So he's a real specialist. He's like the Sanjay Gupta of shitty pizza. He sort of knows what he's talking about, unless someone else. 6.7. Nothing better than a good Sanjay Gupta reference. You know what I mean?

I love it. Luke, congratulations. An amazing appearance. Take a big joke book from the great Bones Eye. We love people like you. Different stories, different shapes, different sizes. The bucket can give us anything. The names that we've pulled out of this thing in the past

eight and a half years have been incredible, and one of the names that we pulled out of this bucket has made her return here tonight on a very, very special episode of Kill Tony. This young lady that I'm about to bring up, how many of you are fans of the show and actually know anything about where you're at? Then you might be very excited to know

that this lady, a legend here on Kill Tony, one of the greatest comedians in the history of the show. This is the return of Nicole Tran, everybody. A brand new minute, and then an interview. Here she is, Kill Tony royalty, everybody. This is what happened when you bought things at the Dollar Tree. And from Vietnam. Last week, I went to a black comedy club in Auckland.

All the sisters looked at me like, uh-oh, somebody forgot to pay the bills at the nail salon. I went on a rope geek with a comedian. She told me she has ass burger syndrome. I say, no problem, man. Let me pull it over and get your ass a burger. You can keep going. Nicole, you can do as long as you want.

My mother hates Halloween. She makes us turn up the lights and hide under the bed. It would be easier just to buy a bag of sneaker bars. The first year we were here for trick-or-treat, she gave kids a spoonful of sticky rice. I had to clean the window for a week. I went to a pumpkin patch in Houston. I saw a 2,000-pound pumpkin.

In Vietnam, we would call the pumpkin then move in. Hey, where's your house? It's the four jack-o-lantern on the left. I pay my mother to do my daily chores for $25. She does my laundry for $15. She cleans my room. I pay her $10 an hour to search the Internet for blue-eyed white guys. My mother doesn't believe in psychic reading,

but she's happy to tell me that I have no future. She hears me sing. Someday, my prince will come. Sitting here, I'm talking about prince, the chihuahua who lives at the dry cleaners. My little sister is my bookkeeper with all the money I make in stand-up. She's not very busy. Two hours lunch, no problem, man.

She always carries a lot of cash with her in her purse, just in case the house burns down. She still can afford one karaoke night and some brisket barbecue. I wrote a joke for you guys. Nicole, what do you think? You got more? You're at four and a half minutes right now.

I think that's a roar. How many of you want to hear one more from Nicole Tran? Recently, I found out I'm allergic to alcohol. I took one sip of tequila. I sneezed for ten minutes in Spanish. Hell yeah, Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen. Literally doing five times the work anybody else did up here tonight for the same price.

I love it. Nicole, welcome back to the show. Absolutely incredible. Famously the lady from the red light, green light part of Squid Game. Yes. You watch Squid Game? No. We actually have...

What's the weird game? There you go. It's sort of a technical difficulty right now, but not really. She's talking right now. Can you turn around real quick and then... Turn around and then turn around. Forget it. There you go.

It's all good. Nicole, welcome back to the show. You are indeed Kill Tony royalty. Every single time you're on, it's unbelievable. There is an aggressive innocence to your style. You are adorable. You're so sweet, Justin. This is your first time seeing you, right?

Oh my God. That's a star. Seriously. You're just adorable. Your jokes were solid and hot. I love white guys. She does. I'm an Asian girl.

You're not the only one. So does Justin, actually. It is my curse. I love it. You did reference blue-eyed white guys. How's that been going for you? Have you taken any down lately? Oh, yeah.

I just recently dated a blue-eyed white guys. He worked at the racetrack. I always looking for a man with a stable job. He cleaned up after horses. It's a horse racetrack. Okay. Well, there's a sandwich guy and a pizza guy back there. I love it.

I'm from Brooklyn. The last guy was, remind me, isn't that where you're from? Where do you live in? Northern California? I live in San Jose. Little Saigon. Right. Little Saigon.

Is that true? Yeah. They have a little Saigon? Yeah. Oh, okay. Red Band. All right. That's enough.

Red Band has this crazy Asian instrument. He likes to play when she's on stage. It's super annoying. Yeah. I love it. So what have you been up to since the last time we saw you? What have you been doing for fun? Like, what do you do in real life when you're not doing stand-up comedy?

You told me earlier when I saw you that you've been getting recognized all over as famous from Kill Tony, which of course I love and I know. But what else do you do? Oh, I love to show. And you can see I love fashion. What? Fashion? I love fashion.

Oh, you like fashion? I love to show. Okay. I love to show. This is a $10 dress. Wow. And a $75 spank. Oh, hell yeah.

Absolutely. Do you have a boyfriend currently? Are you single? I told you already. I went out last week. I went out with a garbage man. With a what? He was always talking trash.

Oh, you son of a bitch. You did it again. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. You are something else. Tony, Tony. Yeah. I want today a man with sport car with only two seats.

That way I don't have to bring my mother. That's incredible. Is your mother alive? Do you live with her? Yeah. What does she do? She just hangs around the house? She cooks.

And as soon as I step in, she says, Oh my goodness. You go. You go. You go. You go. You go. Hell yeah.

Absolutely. That means I step in the house wearing shoes American way. Without taking off shoes, the Asian way. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Whatever you just said, I completely agree with. Sure. Yeah.

100%. It's a shame. They can't turn on the subtitles. I'm trying right now. Maybe we'll dub this. Either we'll dub it or we'll do subtitles. I'm not exactly sure. That's my style, man.

I love it. So your Vietnamese, is that correct? Vietnamese. Okay. Hell yeah. You say it like a doll with a pool string or something. Yeah. Vietnamese.

I love it. Mom and dad both Vietnamese. They don't cross the streams. They're right. And you don't have any kids? No. No kids for me. Only comedy.

How did that happen? How does it end up that such a beautiful woman like you doesn't make kids? Weird question. Oh yeah. Let's keep it going. Sometimes I hear what I say and then I take it back every once. She might have had a daughter. So blue-eyed white guys broke my heart.

It's true. Oh no. They dated a Russian girl. Oh no. He left you for a Russian? Oh my God. So I be a career. So before the show I put a lot of makeup on just in case a blue-eyed white guy wants to

marry me. Is there a blue-eyed white guy out there that wants to come up? Yeah. You seem to be here. Come up here, sir. You come up on stage. I love a fall. Come up here.

It's a blue-eyed white guy. I love a fall romance. Can I bring you my joke? No. No? Oh shit. Look at this. Wait.

No. Get back down. Get down. Get out of here. No. Go back. Go back. No, no, no.

This way. This way. Go back. Tony, you call my broth. No. I need to finish my joke. It's not finished. Oh, okay.

Go ahead. Before the show I should put a lot of makeup on just in case a blue-eyed white guy wants to marry me or take me to the taco drug. What the fuck? These people. These people in California, they've been locked down way too long, man. Yeah, right here. It's affecting everybody.

What? What? Am I on mushrooms? Nicole Tran. You are the very best. You're the sweetest thing in the history of the show. You have anything else? What?

I bet you fucking will, sir. This isn't like a... I bet you will. Jesus Christ. Relax, sir. It's like a stockyard. I'll take her. Yeah.

45, 45. These people. All right. Do you have anything else for us? Anything else? A song, a song. You want to do a song? Yeah.

She famously is sang the National Anthem at Kiltoni, Mania. She's sang songs many times before. Beautiful voice on her. Ladies and gentlemen, this is... And you do this acapella. Is that right? Yeah. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Nicole Tran. The sound of silence. Indeed. Here she is. Kiltoni royalty traveled here just for this. This is Nicole Tran. Also, can I have a crown and coke whenever you get a chance? Thank you.

This is Nicole Tran, everybody. Hello, darkness, my own friends. I come to Texas once again. I love Tony, I got on the plane. I know he's dating, but my heart in sand. I hope his girlfriend fell in love with a green-eyed guy. Then Tony mine, the whispering sound of insult. I know Tony secretly.

I love Asians very much. Really, I came here for you, Tony. I'm a very well-educated person, so I think Tony really support comedians of diverse culture. That is absolutely true. And you know what? Just for that, Nicole, I have blue eyes. I'm white. I'm going to get you pregnant tonight.

Let's do this. Oh, no, I'm going to do it. I'm going to get America's Revenge on Vietnam on you tonight. Take one down for the red, white, and blue, you know what I'm saying? Tony, if you don't stop heckling me, I get my brother to eat your dog. Oh, no, don't do that. Yeah. Oh, no.

Good job. My poor dog. Nicole, you are an absolute angel. Somehow in this wild world, someone like you that doesn't seem like you should be at this show at all can come up and have full command of the stage for well over 15 minutes. We love you. Austin, Texas loves you. How about one more time for Nicole Tran, everybody?

Legend. Oh, she's still here. Thank you. She's still here. She's got something to say. Oh, God. Typical Vietnam, just like the war lasts a little bit longer than you need it to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A long time and then some. Thank you so much for coming to support live comedy and support Q Tony show. I think it's a great show. And by the way, I don't have a green car, so please do not tell anybody that you saw me here tonight. Hell yeah. Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable. You're just unbelievable. Catcher November 12th through the 14th at the Santa Monica Playhouse Theater for those of you still in Los Angeles.

She also be on The Secret Show Sunday. Oh, yeah, she'll be here doing standup comedy on Sunday as well. So for those of you in the house, you don't have anything to do on Halloween. Come see a real standup comedy show. It's different than the podcast. And she's going to be in costume. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Your next comedian, Doug Allen, everybody.

Doug Allen has the pleasure of following the isolator, Nicole Tran. Here he is. Come on. Let's have a follow. One more time for Doug Allen, everybody. Beautiful. Oh, thank you, brother. Hey, awesome to be here.

Thank you for calling me. Fuck, dude. I recently got interested in van life, but not for like the traveling, the free spirit in this, just because like I want to kill my girlfriend. Thanks, guys. I do look like this. I look like a cop, but only the ones that sing about the YMCA. I'm like, black man, get down on the ground. I said, black man.

Oh, God. I'm not ready. What happened? Was he yelling at me? I'm sorry. He's staring you down. He's staring at us hard. I'm from Charleston.

I'm a big fan of golf. I watch the PGA's every year. Can I finish this? Yeah, go ahead. Thank you. I watch the PGA's every year. I noticed this year there's a lot more Asian golfers than there's been in the past. I really like seeing Asian golfers.

It's good to see the diversity. The thing I don't like about Asian golfers is all the holes are blurred now. That's for Red Band. Fuck yeah. Doug Allen, everybody. Welcome to the show, Doug. Thank you very much. How are you?

You can take that cover off that microphone. We got to get that back to Nicole Tran somehow, but I don't believe in that shit. You know what I mean? I want you to raw dog that fucking microphone, Doug. Welcome, welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand up? Two years. Two years.

Where at? Charleston. South Carolina. South Carolina. That's right. Absolutely. Is that the home of Bill Murray? Yes, sir.

The River Dogs. All right. Baseball team. The River Dogs? Yeah. Oh, damn. Nicole Tran is starving right now. Incredible.

And are you just visiting Austin? I moved down here about like two months ago. Okay. What do you love about Austin so far? Fuck, dude. I just have been hitting mics. I really haven't been out. Homeless people.

My windshield's clean every stoplight. That's wild. There you go. That's wild. I hate those people. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed right now.

Okay. I was selling carriage tour tickets back in Charleston. What kind of tickets? Carriage tour. We had horses pull people around town. Oh, God. Beat the shit out. Oh, yeah.

Jesus. We're good. We're good to the horses. All right. Okay. Wow. So you just do stand up. You're unemployed.

How much money did you save working at the carriage? Dogecoin got me. I didn't make as much as Nat. Jesus. These people on this show, you can find out everything about. You can learn how to manage money by listening to Kill Tony nowadays. I love it. So dogecoin, did you write?

How much money did you make on that? Like 30. $30,000. Wow. Hell yeah. Absolutely incredible. I had 700,000 dogecoin before I went to a penny. And then this is an interesting.

I would have made like $100,000, but yeah. Sold too soon. Hell yeah. Clearly barbers don't take dogecoin. What else, Doug? You must have something interesting about your life. Any fun facts about you? You was a growing up or as an adult.

I used to live in a van. I've been to Vietnam before. Really? Yeah. Wow. You're like everything that's happened in the show so far tonight. What did you do in Vietnam? Backpacked around, traveled to Handys.

All the regulars. Okay. Your parents have money? No. They're all right. I never worried about food. Right. Ex-Navy.

Right. This was the part I was so worried about. Yeah. Yeah, me too. How about your love life? What's your love life like? There must be something there. I dated a chick like two years ago, been single for a while.

What happened with that relationship? Why'd that end? I went to Skankfest with her. Why would you ever do that? Wow. I like half heartily invited her to it. And she's like, yeah, sure. And then when we're breaking up the entire time, she's like, three days, Doug.

Yeah. It is an interesting... D-Madness is back, everybody. D-Madness is the part of the show where we all make sure he makes it back to the school properly. He's back, guys. He's back. No point in trying anything until that part's done.

I love it. So you took her to Skankfest and that was that. Have you been with a girl since moving here to Texas? Yeah. Yeah. I was dating her. How did that happen? I'm not terrible with it.

I saturday night met a little lady at the bar. Just a matter at a bar? Yeah. You went up to her? What's your opening line? Go ahead. I play cool, man. Let's see.

If I was going to walk up, I'd be like, hey, what's up, baby? This loser with you? Fuck that guy. I like your maroon headband. Hey. Wow. Nice. Wow.

Okay. All right. All right. Jesus, Doug. Special skills or talents for stand-up comedy for you? Handstand for handstand. Really? Special thing?

Will you do a handstand for us right now? Can I get some good handstand music, a drum roll or something here? Here he is doing a handstand. The very rare white guy handstand here on Kill Tony. Oh, shit. Wow. There we go. Very, very, very impressive.

Good job. Yeah. Wow. Good job. Good job, Doug. Good job. Fuck yeah. All right, Doug.

Well, very, very fun stuff. Red Band, anything for Doug? Why do you know how to do a handstand? Like what made you learn how to do that? Like a bunch of gay sex? It's a good trick. I don't know. Six grade gymnastics.

Okay. Well, Doug, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket here. Come back again. Will you? Thank you very much. Doug, have one of these. Doug. There you go.

Absolutely. Hell yeah, he caught it. I have a cannon on me, dude. This arm is a buckeye arm right here. They don't have arms like this in Texas. These sons of bitches. Take your fucking horns and you hook them right up your ass. Whoa.

Yeah, I said it. I said it. Red Band and I are buckeyes till we die, buckos. Ladies and gentlemen, this lady's gotten pulled out of the bucket before she absolutely destroyed. She's been doing shows with us pretty regularly since then. A very, very funny human. Make some noise for Christina Mariani, everybody. She's a real, real up and coming talent here in Austin, Texas.

This is the real deal. We're going to get another new minute from her. Christina Mariani. Here she comes, everyone. Come on, everybody. Make some noise for Christina. Hi. I've been having a hard time dating.

Well, at least getting blades a little bit easier, you know. Yeah, I've been trying some pickup lines when I go out. I've been trying some pickup lines. So far, the one that's gotten me the most action has been no. Usually that works, but, you know, when it doesn't, I'll go home and I have to turn to the internet for some material to help me get off, you know. I'm really into shower stuff. I think shower stuff's pretty hot.

But Pornhub has been getting real stingy with those Holocaust videos. I guess I'm like a sucker for a guy in uniform or whatever. Christina Mariani with another brand new minute. Hell yeah. Welcome back to the show, Christina. How's it going? Just pull on it. You got it.

Fuck yeah. Absolutely. You got this shit. Powerful. You're a great set. Good, good stuff. I love it. Absolutely great.

You were on the secret show here on Thursday. Yeah, she's been killing it on the secret show. It's great. Thank you. Yeah. Remind us all how long you've been doing stand-up comedy again? Like six months now, I think maybe seven. Yeah.

Okay. Six months, maybe seven. And in absolutely doing fantastic all these sets, you have a very obviously awkward, shy style to you, which works well. You have the look of a young Howard Stern, which is a... I get that. It's a good vibe. WNBC.

WNBC. All right. Christina, you are a very, very charismatic young lady. What's your love life like? You have a boyfriend? No. Did you have a boyfriend last time you were on the show? No, I didn't.

Okay. All right. Sorry. This was like the beginning of a rom-com or something like that. No, I didn't. Tony takes glasses off. She's a different person. Wow.

Incredible. How do you stay single? These comedians, I'd imagine. I know what it's like being out there on the circuit. I've been there. These guys are all very aggressive. How do you stay single? I just, I focus on comedy pretty much.

Right. Absolutely. That's a good way to do it. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy specifically? I like playing the accordion. I can do that. Holy shit. You have an accordion?

Yeah. Do you have one here with you? No, not with you. Is it in your car? Do you have a car? Do I have a car? Yeah. Yes, but it's not in there.

It's not in the car. It's at home. God damn it. Bring the fucking accordion next time. It's one thing we haven't had in eight and a half years. Bring your own accordion. Yeah. Let's do it.

Absolutely. How long have you been playing accordion for? For a while, since I was a kid. Oh, wow. Is your dad, your dad play? No. We just had one lying around. Oh, same.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's how it works. Yeah. Do you play like a lot of polka music or do you just? Yeah. A lot of polka music, you know, some rap.

I actually can rap, too. Oh, god. Here we go. Here we go. No, I can't. I'm just kidding. That would be the first person all night that can actually rap. So that would be impressive.

No, I can't actually rap. Not get through half memorized shit. But you can't rap. Is that what you're saying? No, no, I was joking. Oh, my god. Okay, Christina, that's fun. So you play accordion.

What else? Well, I work. What do you do for work? I work at an insurance company. You like answer the phone there or something? No, I am an underwriter. So I underwrite the insurance and then I sell it. It's very exciting.

Hell yeah. My goodness. I don't even know what that means. I don't know if you've ever listened to tonight's show, but I only know about making pizza and sandwiches. Very simple jobs. Mostly unemployed seems to be the theme of tonight's show. An underwriter for insurance.

What exactly does, what do you do? So I get applications and then I like decide on pricing based on different factors and it's so boring. I get so bored talking about it. It's incredible. Absolutely incredible. It's a shame Jake from State Farm doesn't look like you or else everybody would just have State Farm and then go,

I need Jake immediately. Is that true? Do you ever look at porn on the internet? Do I look at porn on the internet? Yeah. Sometimes, but it's not Holocaust porn. I was kidding. All right.

I believe that. Oh, I bet if you dig deep enough. Yeah. Schindler's Fist. That's true. That is true. It's out there. Oh, it's out there.

That is true. Ass wits. Yeah. Is one. Yeah. That is okay. Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Diddler on the roof. Oh, shit. Jewish porn. Yeah. Jew girl's one cup. What else is there? This bagel is right. Put it in my shittler.

All right. Anyway, all right. And Seinfeld. Jewish porn jokes. One in the bank, two in the stank. What are we talking about here? Okie dokie. We're going to keep moving forward.

What kind of porn do you like, though, when you do search the porn once in a while? Oh, I actually like, I like, I'm straight, but I like lesbian porn. Yeah. Just a bunch of women camping. I just feel like they're gentle with each other. You know, they like each other.

I don't know. I never get that vibe from the guys. Hell yeah. Listen to all the unsatisfied women out there whooping and hollering everybody. All that extra energy that they get from not having orgasms. They're going wild tonight.

All these wild lesbos out there. Just working on their bikes. Yep. That's it. Just on the peloton, just cranking it out. Yeah. A scissor in aggressively. That's true.

That's what they do. I love it. Interesting, because a lot of lesbians, I happen to know, are into accordion porn. Oh. It's amazing how that, all right. Christina, you're absolutely hilarious. You're always, always a great new minute.

Always a great interview. You're so awkward, yet completely charismatic. Have you gotten a joke book before on the show? Yeah, I have. You have a big one? Yeah. Perfect. There you go.

I would love to have you on The Secret Show on Halloween if you can do it. Oh, thank you. I would love to. I'm going to be in California, though. All right. Now where? You're going to California?

Yeah. To see my family. I'm from Stockton. Oh, wow. 209. Fuck yeah. Represent. I'm friends with Nate Diaz and Nick Diaz.

You know them? Yeah. We talked about this last time. Oh, okay. One of my friends fucked one of the Diaz brothers. Okay. Okay. Like many of Nate and Nick Diaz's friends,

I don't remember a lot of things. We smoke a lot of marijuana in our little circle. She didn't remember either. I'm just kidding. I love it. Christina, you are so different. You're so special. Keep coming back.

Christina Mariani, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you. What do you guys think? Should we go to this bucket one more time? Huh? Let's see what happens here. Is that a lady with purple hair?

Wow. Hello. Thank you for coming here while not protesting Chappelle's new special. Incredible. Incredible. Thank you. Thank you for still supporting live comedy.

All right. Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of JT Stockman, everybody. This looks like a brand new name. Cool name, JT Stockman. Let's see what happens here. Come on, everybody. One more time for JT Stockman.

How are we doing tonight? I started using Tinder again. I see now on Tinder you can identify if you've been vaccinated or not. Yeah, I saw that. I was like, I think we're looking for the wrong diseases on that app. Last I checked, the diseases are there.

Don't come from Wuhan. They come from the Pune. I like being in Texas. I got called a cracker recently. That kind of hurt my feelings. Set it with a hard R and everything. I was like, God damn. It hurt because it was setting me by a black dude.

Had a white guy call me a cracker? I wouldn't have cared as much, but shit hurt. Got called the N word too. That was pretty sweet. It was only sweet because it was setting me by a black dude. Had a white guy call me the N word? I would have been like, nah. But when you're a white guy and a black dude calls you

the N word, that's kind of like when a girl tells you she loves you for the first time. You guys sit there and think for a second, should I say it back? J.T. Stockman. Welcome to the show, sir. This is your first time here, right? No, actually, I was over.

I met you after the freeze over at the other place you don't talk about. Oh, okay. All right, after the freeze. What did we find out last time you were on the show? February. I was dyslexic. Oh, okay.

It's still a problem. All right. I could see that. The end of your set was a lot better than the beginning of your set. You did that sort of backwards. If you would have had that momentum in the beginning, you could have carried it throughout,

but you do things backwards. A little bit. What do you do for work? Well, actually, it's my one-year anniversary of starting my own business with my buddy from the Navy. Oh, wow. What business is it? We install mini-split AC units with veterans and...

Mainly with a lot of pot farmers, too. So, wait, you install mini-air conditioners? Mini-split AC units. They're more energy efficient. They cut energy costs. Okay, shark tag. We get it. Improving people's quality of life.

Yeah. Exactly. They cut costs, but did they cool your place down? I actually need this shit. They do heat it. It's so you could have air conditioning. It's Christ. What the fuck?

I know. Fucking ghost over here. Jesus. Did someone say split air conditioning? Nobody knows about air conditioning more than the fat boy on this show. Jesus. Well, let me just tell you guys, that's fantastic. It's so you could separate your house in different zones

so you don't have to have air conditioning in your whole house. Wow. Right? Did you hook Red Band up with your fucking... No, I needed it. She won our services. Let us know, man. Win Sanity Enterprises.

Okay, let's go. I need it. Wow. Look at that. Homeowner Brian Red Band. Yeah. Oh my God. Absolutely.

Okay. So business is booming over there? It's doing a lot better. Actually, this is also one year anniversary. I'm at a debt too, completely out of there. Okay. Hell yeah. What are we talking about?

How much money do you have? How much money do you have? How much do I have left? No, yeah, yeah. Or how much was I down? Who gives a fuck? What do you do for fun, JT, when you're not installing air conditioners or... I mainly play basketball with my roommates over in Houston.

That's where I live now. Okay, is that where you were called a cracker? Yes. On the basketball court? No, it was by someone on a crack head on a bicycle. Sorry about that. It wasn't you, buddy, but you're good. Did you say it was a crack head on a bicycle?

Yes, it looked like one. A crack head called you a cracker? Maybe that means they like you. Wait, did he... What does a crack head like... Crack profiling people? Yeah, I think so. I think it happens.

What were you doing on the bus that the AC business is going so well? I wasn't on the bus. Okie-dokie. All right. When you're not playing basketball, what else, JT? You seem like the kind of guy that's into, like, Uno or something like that. Uno? Yeah.

No, I play Bones. Bones? Yeah. Okay. Oh, shit. D-Madness knows what's up. Again. How do you play Dominoes, D-Madness?

Easiest guy to cheat ever. Yeah, you can feel the Dominoes. Oh, you can feel the Dominoes? Oh, shit. Son of a bitch. I got called a dumbass by a blind guy, so knock that off my fucking bucket list. Jesus Christ. D-Madness is ruthless over here.

Oh, my God. They got holes in them at you dumbass. That's what... That's what I'm gonna... Like accordions, yeah. I will love it. D-Madness, you are the very best. JT, your love life.

What are you talking about here? You seem like a tall glass of water. What do you got going on over there? I've been single ever since I got divorced. Oh, you got a divorce, huh? Yeah. What happened there? How long were you with that lady for?

Four years. And what went on there? Why did you get a divorce? She joined the army. Oh, okay. She lives in Hawaii now. Okay. Does she like camping?

I think so. I don't know. She didn't really seem like it, but... You ever miss her? Do you miss her? I do. Yeah, that must have been weird that she left you to go to the army. We got married when I was in the Navy, too.

Wow. Okay. So why do you think she did that? Why do you think she went to the army? She always wanted to do it. She went as a med-vax, so she wanted to help people more. And... All right.

Just an opportunity for her. Okay. I'm not buying it. We grew up buying it. Damn. What do you think happened? I don't know. I think there's a dude...

Yeah, well, she's definitely... In Hawaii. Yeah, she's definitely getting fucking... She's like, I want to join the army, dammit. Yeah. No. I mean, that's the deal. Give me my space.

Any woman that's like, I want to divorce them going to the army just wants to get gangbanged pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a bunch of soldiers fucking... Yeah, she's squirting all over that mess hall. Yeah. Absolutely.

I'm going to take your work for it. She's like one of those Hawaiian volcanoes. So yeah, I do miss her, but yeah. Incredible. Incredible. So what's it like ever since your divorce? What's going on with you? Nothing real steady, just on and off with different...

Yeah. You really on tender? I am, but not really that much. It's kind of... It's weird on there. Yeah. Why is it weird? It's just kind of dead, I guess.

I don't know. I have a profile, but I don't really use it. Yeah. What is your profile saying? What's your description? Hi, I'm JT and my wife left me to go to the army. So I'm sure you'll have a fucking blast. Is that what it says?

Yeah, you're in the ballpark, I guess. I'm kind of guessing that like any girl that's on tender nowadays, that's kind of gross, right? Why are you looking at me? You're gross, right, Justin? Well, yeah. Women on there, they have their age, and then they have their tender age on there, so...

Yeah. What? Like how long they've been on tender? Like a 34-year-old that's 27? Gross. What's the fun fact about your life that you think makes you different than everybody else? There must be something, JT Stockman.

Where are you originally from? Minnesota. Yeah, I know, right? The Canada of America, everybody. It's deep south of Canada. It really is. I got the fuck out of there. My God.

Yeah, no, it's not that great. Yeah. I had to leave, but... Any fun facts about you or your family or anything like that? Your great-grandfather was a... Oh, no, not really. My mom's a sociologist, and then my dad's a truck driver. That's it.

Really? Yeah. Truck driver. Was he around a lot during your childhood? Oh. Yeah, 50-50. He was in and out. Jesus Christ.

Good thing about having a truck driver father is that at least he can't leave you and go to Hawaii. You can't drive. You can't drive to Hawaii, people. All right, JT. Fun times, my friend. JT Stockman, everybody. Thank you.

You want a joke book? JT, take one of those. There you go. All right. No, he didn't. No. That's not true, right? You see him anywhere?

What's that beeping sound that I hear? What is that? Someone want to come up over there? You want to come up, make an appearance? You do? Hey, let's get a couple of the boys over here to help my friend. This guy, a former regular on this show, famously retired a couple months ago. No, yeah.

This is going to be very cool. This is completely unplanned, completely improvised. I didn't think this day was going to come this soon or here right now, but I'm very excited about it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is former Kill Tony regular legend all the way, lives here now, but followed the show all the way from Los Angeles, California. This is the return of Michael Laird, everybody. Holy shit.

Wow. Abs a fucking loopy. Kill Tony royalty. Legend of the game. Over 100 new minutes of material we've seen this man provide. A legend soaking it in. He got a standing ovation. He's still soaking it in, even though they're not clapping anymore.

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time. This is the return of Michael Laird, everybody. They're fucking things in there tight tonight, huh? Yank that out of there for him. This fucking mic is in there deep. No. I have nothing more to say. I have nothing more pain.

All right, I'm pulling this out. Justin, pull that out for him real quick. Yank that thing out. Not the first time Justin's pulled it out for another man. He has nothing prepared, he said. How about one more time for Michael Laird, everybody's here. Famously diagnosed with ALS a few years ago. One of the worst diseases that a human being can possibly have.

Meanwhile, this guy fights the good fight all the time. We live in the same area. We have coffee together a couple times a week or so, at least we try. And it seems as though he's just staring down the barrel of the camera. I think he's going to try to walk for the first time. We've never seen this before. It's a miracle. Something's happening.

Hell yeah. Oh, it's getting back again. Oh, fuck yeah. An unstoppable force. Michael lights out Laird. I have nothing. I have nothing more pain. Madison.

What's his suggestion? He wants a suggestion from the audience. One of you guys, one of you normal people yells something out at a genius. What? Now, come on, something else. Somebody said herpes over here. Famously has a rainy street joke. This guy's trying to help Michael Laird.

What'd you say? You guys suck at this. This is all references from earlier in the show. Do we have anything that we haven't talked about? Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin. Somebody did say Alec Baldwin. I like Baldwin.

It's okay. Oh, your foot's on it. It's your foot, Michael. You got this shit. Alec Baldwin is a famous theater actor. He sent in Gregory Glengoros on Broadway. He sent, always be closing. And what he meant was, always kill your cinematography.

Hell yeah. Alec Baldwin is one of the rare white people. There are a lot of white people in this audience. But no one ever has ever, ever met anyone else named Alec. The Baldwin brothers are like the Jackson Five without the molestation. But they're Roman Catholics so you never know. Wow. I mean, look how easy he makes it look.

Still fucking God at this guy. What are you doing tonight? You're just hanging out? Just came to hang with some old friends? I was one, you know I love all of you. And I was Sunday sober. But that's pretty good. But I can live fine with my nurse life.

Oh you got into a fight with your nurse slash girlfriend. Oh shit, you got out of the house. Yeah. Oh shit. So I'm a voodoo ranger. Well voodoo ranger for those of you that don't know is a tall boy of extremely alcohol infused beer. It's a heroin of beers.

And I boost an alcohol by volume. If you're drunk and you can't get heroin, you want to drink voodoo ranger. It is true. A lot of people call Miller High Life the champagne of beers. Voodoo ranger is the heroin of beers. Pretty much. I love it Michael Lair. What a fun surprise.

I like that belly you have now by the way. That's fucking hot dude. I like that. You got the cast away beard and the belly. But this is exactly what we thought you would turn into when you retired a few months ago. Just letting it all go. I fucking love it. Hold on though.

I love it Michael. You want to hang out up here while the final comedian goes on? It's your favorite comedian. I do know that for a fact. I think he passed away everybody. This was fun. He died doing what he loved the most. A new minute on Kill Tony.

We'll tell your story. Michael Lair ladies and gentlemen. One of the true legends of the game. This is a star studded show here tonight. Michael's laughing. Someone want to get up here and help him off the stage. Because we don't. Matt Mueling.

He's in charge of the microphone not lifting you. There they are. There's the big boys over there. Guys come on one more time for one of the legends of the show. Monster. Monster comedian. And still one of the greatest Kill Tony comedians of all time. That is Michael Lair.

Follow him. MichaelLairComedy.com L-E-H-R-E-R. Get a good grip on there guys. Mike stick around. Let's go do a shot in a bit. Don't give him shots. Red Band. Jesus Christ.

Dr. Red Band. Give that guy a lick. That's great. Man slaughter. Let's have some quiche together Michael. Stick around. How about one more time for Michael Lair everybody. There he goes.

And now it's time to bring up the man who took over for Michael. Closing the show. He is the longest standing regular in this show's history. He absolutely destroys everywhere he goes. He's headlining now. Just headlined a festival. He opens for Joe Rogan almost every single week here in Austin, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen born and bred here on Kill Tony.

This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery everybody. Boom. The vanilla gorilla. The Big Red Machine. The widespread panic. This is William Montgomery. It kind of threw me off when Michael's Alec Baldwin jokes are way better than mine.

And he just improvised it. So let's try this out. I can't believe what happened with Alec Baldwin killing someone. So I went back to look at what he's been in. And I think we should have seen it coming. I mean you have Dr. Death, Glenn Gary, Glenn Bang. And who can forget 30 Glock. Y'all know I love Alec Baldwin.

I bet after Fight Club came out the Pixies were like, ah just what we needed more downloads. Y'all know I love the Pixies. Very unhappy to announce. I ran over a guy earlier today. I was looking up at a billboard trying to figure out what it said. And the dumbass walked right in front of my car. Turns out the billboards said,

please be careful, pedestrian deaths are on their eyes. Y'all know I love running over homeless people. Y'all can make all the Alec Baldwin jokes you want. But if he were to do stand up, he would kill. Y'all know I've killed homeless people before. It's just ding the fucking thing, Red Band. What are you doing? You should say that you're done.

Thank you. Thank you. That's my time. Thank you. That's my time. Yeah. William Montgomery. My name's William Montgomery.

Thank you so much. That's been my time. As good as he is. The peak of his career and somehow he doesn't really end his sets. That was my time. Thank y'all so much. My name is William Montgomery. That was my time.

Thank y'all so much. It was a real pleasure. That was my time. My name's William Montgomery. Thank y'all so much for being here. Thank you for driving so far. That was actually my time. Y'all are so sweet.

Y'all came from such far distances. My name is William Montgomery. That was my time. You're getting good at it. This is good practice for you. That was my time. William, how's it going? You just got back from Los Angeles, California.

I did. I'm honestly a fucking nightmare. I go to Six Flags. The second day I'm there, my phone gets sucked out of my pocket on the X2 roller coaster. All my fucking Chick-fil-A points were connected to that phone on that app. I'd like 5,000 fucking Chick-fil-A points. I've spent probably $500 this year there. Now it's all fucking gone.

So my week was honestly awful. Wow. You lost your Chick-fil-A points. Have you gotten a new phone since then? I did. You redownloaded your Chick-fil-A app. Yeah, but it was only like another email that I can't remember the password to. So I was unable to access the Chick-fil-A app.

Did you go to Forgot Password? I did. I honestly did not click on that. That'll send an email to your, that'll send a link to your email. Yeah, but I'm not logged in that email and it's a whole fucking mess. Who just fucking said that? I have a fucking gun in my car. No, I'm not fucking around.

I have a gun in my car. I will bring it back in here. I don't think this is the week to talk about. We have a prop gun here on Keltoni actually, but... Stupid. Ours, we keep a flag jammed into it so that nobody can possibly do anything stupid. Shoot up the fucking dart at the end. Yeah, that's how it works.

So did I like Baldwin. Welcome to Cartoon Kill Tony, where the dart flies out. William, I love this style. You've been dressing up a lot lately and then tonight you did this. You did abusive grandfather or something like that. Yeah. I'm not kidding when I say, when I lost those fucking points, my week literally was a disaster. I started drinking again.

No. No, you did it. You're fucking drunk as fuck right now. No, you didn't. Is that true? Shut the fuck up, you pussies. I'm drinking again. William, someone...

William, someone... I'll do a blow tonight. William, someone just threw raisin bread on the stage at you. They're trying to get you back on the... I'm not eating this shit anymore. Get that out of my face. The raisin bread just hit an old Vietnam veteran on the lap. Right on his dick.

Oh, shit. They're throwing it back on the stage again. This is like when a Yankee... Who fucking brought that? You have a really weak arm, William. It's something else. Your raisin bread just hit the purple-haired lady in the head. Who fucking brought that?

Whoa, he got it. Look at that. Absolutely incredible, sir. You can get that autographed after the show. The official Kill Tony after party, where the great band Nether Hour will be playing. We have fun here. We hang out after the show.

You can unlock your phones and hang out if you want. I also did a set at the comedy store on Saturday night, and some lady probably five minutes into it said, you're not funny. And I called her a bitch, and then she got up. She's like, would you just call me a bitch? And I was like, yeah, you bitch. And then they had to escort her out.

She was best. Wow. I wasn't fucking playing that night. Wow. So then what happened? Did you hang out at the comedy store till late? What's the comedy store like right now? Give us a report.

It was fun. A lot of people were wearing orange for some reason. It's fall. It's fall. That's because they want to make sure Alec Baldwin sees them. Yeah. That's... Why did I say a bunch of people were wearing orange?

What the fuck was I thinking that was going to accomplish? Why did I say that? Set me up for a joke. William, do you ever go hunting or anything like that? Do you ever do any outdoorsy things? Because you look like... A lumberjack. Yeah.

You look like the guy that comes out of a cuckoo clock or something like that. I went hunting one time with my uncle Lance down in Mississippi and we shot someone. Oh. We were hunting people at a convenience store. Oh.

All right. Somebody owed my uncle a bunch of money. I was only six years old. Uncle Lance fucking shot him through the chest. It was horribly gory. But yeah, that was the one time I went hunting. Did you try to save the person at all? When they had an open wound in their chest,

did you go over and try to plug it or something like that? Well, I was driving the car and I immediately hit the person as they were falling down. God, what a weird story. Why did I even say that? It was totally made up. William, are you kidding about starting drinking again? Or is this true?

No, I'm kidding. I haven't. Okay. Well, then in that case, I'll ask you up. A lot of you might not know William famously a heavy drinker, quit drinking, got addicted to raisin bread. How much raisin bread have you eaten

since the last episode a week ago? Well, since last Thursday, I've had four loaves. Wow. Since last Thursday. Since this past fucking Thursday. I love it. That is not a loaf a day. Did you eat a loaf today?

Yeah. All right. Earlier today. That's why I didn't want to fucking see that because I don't want to be tested. That's right. You're already at your limit for raisin bread. What's your favorite kind of raisin bread, William?

Who fucking said blueberry? Yeah. I mean some. I have a fucking gut in my trunk. I swear to God, I'll bring it back in here. I swear to God. Some lady that does not know how raisin bread works. Those are the words of a lady that has only looked

at raisin bread and not eaten it or read the bag. Oh, look at that blueberry bread. What a monster. I can't believe I don't know how to read or eat bread. Blueberry raisin bread. What a. That's why there'll never be a female president right there because people like that yelling out.

There will never be a female president. Look at the table with the purple hair lady as the only lady's given me the finger right now. What are the odds of that? Huh? Yeah. Why don't you guys go to go? Why don't you guys go pick it or something?

Go make some signs and be all loud about it. Oh, my God. Yeah, what the fuck are y'all even doing? Yeah, thank you. The fuck are y'all trying to prove? Seriously, what the fuck are you trying to prove? Thank you, William. Get out of here.

No, you don't have to leave. You don't have to leave. William, you look so serious. Yeah, I'm pissed right now. My fucking phone came out on the X2. Did you ask the people at the... Yeah, they collect the phones every night. I'm like the next morning.

Well, I talked to the people, but now I got an email the other day and they don't have it. So it's gone. Wow. My goodness. To think there's someone out there eating all that chick filet right now. Shit.

I haven't even thought about that. Yeah. I know. Oh, my God. I wonder what piece of shit is eating all my fucking... I didn't even think about that one, Tony. Yeah, I know. It's a crazy time.

A lot of people right now investing in Tesla and Apple and you saved up all those chick filet points and... I always thought if I ever went homeless or something like that, I would at least be able to eat chick filet for like a month. Well, I got my legs back under me. That's why I was collecting the points in case you were curious. If people were to send you chick filet gift cards, where would they send those to?

Here? Yeah, here works for sure. Yeah, I think I need some... Look up the address to Vulcan Gas Company on the Internet. Yeah, Tension William Montgomery. Yeah, Tension William Montgomery at Vulcan Gas Company. And we'll see if we can get you some chick filet points. Please do.

That'd be great. Does that sound good? That sounds really good. You love chick filet, don't you? I love it. How much do you love chick filet? I fucking love chick filet. I swear to God.

Tell these people how much you love it. It's my favorite fucking place. What do you like to get there? What do you like to get there, William? Couple chick filet, chicken sandwiches. Hold the pickles. Wow. Are you all booing at that shit?

Hold on a second. Hold the pickles! Texas does not fuck around. They are booing William Montgomery. Hey, fucking pickles! Shut the fuck up! Wow. There's no way!

This is what we call... Hey, fucking pickles! There's no way all of you like pickles. There's no way. It's like when Hulk Hogan joined me. There's no way! There's no way! I feel like I'm in a nightmare right now.

This is a hit. Yes! I cannot believe that the crowd has turned on William Montgomery. Yeah, what the fuck happened? This is a pro pickle audience. That's bullshit. The lady with purple hair just pulled one out of her vagina. Yeah.

I refuse to fucking believe that. There are so many people like fucking pickles. That's unbelievable. How many of you love pickles out there? Oh my God. Grillo's. That's fucking bullshit! There's no way!

How many of you love dill pickles? That's the worst kind! There's no way. There's no way. I refuse to believe what's going on. What the fuck are you doing with your hands? I'm gonna get my gun! Oh shit.

I think that's tonight's episode of Kill Tony. How about another hand for William Montgomery, everybody? We did it again. Good stuff, William. Guys, listen to the Glittering Garbage podcast with Justin Martindale and Justine Marino. He's at the creek in the cave this Thursday and Friday. How about one more time for our friend Justin Martindale, huh? Yes.

How about a hand for the Kill Tony band? The screwball peanut butter whiskey band. Matt Mueling on guitar. Tevin on drums. And one more time for the great D-Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Tonight's drawing from Ryan Jebelt. Unbelievable. Me, Red Band and the great Justin Martindale.

Write down the barrel. All those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com including the new Kill Tony Bingo card set where you can play live Kill Tony Bingo along with the episode. I do believe there's going to be some Kill Tony merch for sale perhaps immediately after the show at the official Kill Tony after party. You guys are free now to unlock your phones and hang out and drink more. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at Vulcan Gus Company? Thanks a lot, guys.

Having fun every Monday. And thank you to the live audience. We love you. We'll see you next week, everybody. Good night. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.