KILL TONY - #531 - KIM CONGDON + SARA WEINSHENK

Episode Date: November 13, 2021

Kim Congdon, Sara Weinshenk , William Montgomery, Matthew Muehling, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/01/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM – GET $10 OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF A SKY LIGHT FRAME BY USING THE PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shop Squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at Shop Squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Come on, it's Monday night in Austin, Texas. You guys ready to have a great fucking night tonight or what?

Yeah, here we fucking go. It's Brian Redban everybody. What's up everybody? We're here for another taping of the number one live podcast in the world. Are you guys fucking excited or what? How about a hand for the band, everybody? That's the Kill Tony band. The screwball peanut butter whiskey presents the Kill Tony band. Fuck yeah. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, everybody.

Great Matt Mueling on guitar. And that's our good friend D-Madness on the bass, everybody. Amazing. Fuck yeah. We're brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. Very exciting stuff. Northern Lights, vodka, seltzer, drink. C.M. Smokehouse, the best damn barbecue joint in Austin, Texas.

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Again, that's rockauto.com. Back to the show. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week we have two of the best comedians in the world on this show to sit along with us and talk to people. This week is very, very special. These are the original, the very first ever two regulars ever in the history of the show. Eight years ago, these two young ladies literally started basically just completely started stand-up comedy on the show.

And now they are full time working fucking comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of my favorites, two of everybody's favorites. They're in town this week. Make some noise for the great Sarah Wineshank and Kim Congdon everybody. Holy shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Gangsters of Kill Tony on the Mount Rushmore of Kill Tony.

The two young ladies that had the courageous, almost impossible job at the time of writing a brand new minute every single week to start their young comedy careers and look at them now. Wow, thank you so much Tony. How you guys doing? So good. We got so high in the green room. We are. We got so high they ended up with matching sunglasses somehow. That's cool.

Rose colored glasses, which reminds me the red rose and the yellow rose are sponsors of the show. There we go. Welcome ladies. You guys are at, you guys have your own podcast. It is Thicky, Kimmy and Shank. Yes, it just launched today. Wow, look at that. Thank you.

Listen, you guys I know every single one of you personally. You've been begging for it and I'm here. I'm talking about the podcast, but. Broad Topics is the podcast that Kim also does and this Wednesday they are co-headlining at the creek in the cave. We love you guys. We're so glad that you're in town visiting our insane fun chamber called Austin, Texas, where this place is. How many of you have been to one of these live shows here at Vulcan Gas Company? All right, well, the rest of you are in for a real special treat.

A lot of insanity is going to happen. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to come on this stage and join us. They're all signed up on their way in for their chance to get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It's a whole thing. The place we used to do the show. You guys ready to start this mammoth jammer or what, huh?

Austin, I'm telling you, it's about to fucking go down. Are you guys ready to do this shit? We're sort of there. We're sort of almost there tonight. I think we're going to get there. We're going to start the show with something very, very special. A couple months ago, another on this very special Kill Tony regulars episode, one of our favorite regulars in the history of the show, retired from stand-up Michael Lair,

who of course is, since we met him, been under the tutelage of the disease ALS. And yes, there's the frog of ALS, the official. You guys all know that when you hear the word ALS, that the sound of a frog is never too far behind. Anyway, he retired. However, one of the characters that he was famous for, I do believe I saw before the show. So this should be interesting. It's on my piece of paper here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is very exciting. The return of one of our favorite human beings of all time.

You've seen this guy on Kill Tony before. It's the one and only Injured Dice Clay. Injured Dice Clay's very sick brother. Injured Dice Clay. I'm going to kick it off at something special here. One more time for the great and powerful Injured Dice Clay, everybody. Come on! Dagby Nibble. Dagby Quick. Dag shows off to fucking Bartow.

Ow! I have fucking question. Why are hospital rooms so small when nurses so fucking fat? You want my blood pressure? Your blood is like too much pressure. Get the fuck off of me, you fucking pig. I don't know what it is about nurses that make me come so hard. But all I know is after this visit, this dude is going to need a new pair of crocs. You don't want to hear some nursery rhymes.

Oh yeah. Good old mother goose. We have the same pulmon knowledge. Hey. Hunting Dumpty sat on the wall. He was trying to get across the border to get his baby out of my cage. Little Bo Peep lost her sheep to COVID disease. Now Bo Peep feels really guilty because he refused this sheep vaccine. Mary had a little lamb and this syndrome known as Downs. She had the strength of 100 men and trouble keeping off the pounds.

Ow! Wow. Ladies and motherfucking gentlemen. Absolutely incredible. The return of injured dice play. There's a partial standing ovation happening. A lot of the people are behind you, Michael. It's a shame you'll never know how good of a job you did tonight. That's how unlife fair is, right? You get a standing ovation from the people behind you. That's the universe for you. No one gets fucking injured dice clay. Ow! What a bunch of bunch of gloops.

I love it. I got to tell you first of all, I do believe when this will be played back in slow motion, you will see that for the first time in the history of eight, almost nine years we've been doing this show, my true first spit take happened on your very first joke. You guys didn't notice. You were facing that way. Some of it may have gotten on you. It was in your general direction. I thought Michael had puked on you. I just saw a bunch of water flying and it was gross. It was very bizarre, but you got me right from the beginning. Your timing is unbelievable.

You have the timing of a guy that spent over 20 years in the Chicago Second City system, but it's crazy to think that you're just Andrew Dice Clay's injured brother. Ow! New Christ blue shield. Yeah, they fucked me. I'm trying to think, collect what other ones do I have that are real fun. I forgot a million. Oh, I got a million. Oh! My doctor is such a bunch of gloop. Like Dice, you have the body of a 70 year old woman being double penetrated at the Sturges Motorcycle Rally. Fucking Obamacare.

God damn it. My doctor is like a dice. If you have trouble swallowing, you can eat your pills with applesauce. Oh, what a wonderful thing to hear. You follow up, question doc. Can I eat them with pussy? Can I crush them up? It's not a matter of a lady boy's asshole. My doctor is like, oh, you shouldn't keep drinking. You might get dementia. Like, can we focus on the dumpster fire that is happening to the rest of me? No.

Yeah. It's the ALS frog again. It would be funny if I had dementia and forgot I couldn't walk. And every five minutes, I stand up and just fall to the ground. So how has ALS been? Has it been, like, red bad? Yeah, this is his maiden name, Mr. Moth. It's wild. No, it's awful. And I'm drinking less than ever and I feel like shit.

But one of the things that you've said in the past that you like that seems to help a little bit is a liquid IV. Yeah, liquid IV. You know, you can say it 25% if you use the coupon code Kill Tony. Yeah, thank you, Red Ben. Liquid IV is a cure for ALS. You saw it, camera one, right down the barrel. We got to get a nice zoom on that moment. Oh, shit. I think you just made us all rich. ALS patient, Michael Layers, as it is the cure.

Hell yeah. The hydrogen, you might have ALS. Have a liquid IV. Thank you so much. Tony, may I say one more thing? Absolutely. Since I quit my show, I always have to find something to obsess over. It used to be pussy and then it was comedy and now it's gambling. So I really got beat up by this past weekend.

So if I could ask all the watchers in the book and at home to go to wewantpinks.com or if wewantpinks the YouTube channel, wewantpinks is running on my headband. Please. Wait, is this a sponsor of yours? Yeah, what is going on here? Did you get a sponsor and you're just dropping it? And that's why you asked to be on tonight? Are you just using us as your little soap box?

Wait, not soap box, is that the right thing? You know we edit the show, right? They won't release my son if I don't do this. Well, how much is your son worth to you, Michael? How much money you got left in here? $200,000 a month for 18 years. Injured Ice Clay, it is an absolute honor to have you up here with us. We miss you so much, we love you, the great, of course, guys.

Make some fucking noise for the great Michael Lair, everybody. Unbelievable, a fucking gangster of the game. All right, there you go, you got it. Play some music or something, guys, doing this creepy part where he has to roll away and it's like sort of sad at this part. Give me some music, come on. There's not a dying guy being lifted off the stage. Hey, over here, it's a comedy show.

All right, all right. You guys ready to pull a name out of this bucket and meet a fucking stranger? This is a high pressure situation. That was Michael Lair. I'm going to be honest with you, there's a walkie-talkie here. That was Michael Lair, spoiler alert. But this next person is somewhere crammed in the corner of the room and I've been waiting for this moment, hoping in a bucket filled with names that I say theirs.

Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of, this should be interesting, Miles Riley Martin Hooch Owens. I wonder if this is a real person. This seems too good to be true. Hopefully it's not a shitsuit. Okay, here comes the person, Miles Riley Martin Hooch Owens, everybody. Come on, put your hands together for Miles Riley Martin Hooch Owens. I had to quit my job because my boss was in love with me. It was already a really hard job and then she's always trying to kiss me.

Cooking beans already, that's tough as hell. I got to sit there, I got to stir the beans. And then she's over here trying to give me kisses. I did not have time for that. One time she trapped me in the walk-in fridge and she wouldn't let me out until I gave her a kiss. My beans were going to burn. So I had to kiss my boss. And then I put my two weeks in and I didn't have a backup plan.

So I flew to LA, I was like, I'll just be in line, I'll figure it out. I'm not in LA. I don't know how to, I can't even do the wall thing. Okay, fuck yeah. Alright, that's a minute for Miles Riley Martin Hooch Owens. Is that your name? Hooch, yeah. Wow, you have more names than you have jokes.

It's incredible. What the fuck was that, dude? What was that? What were you trying to say that whole time? Two people came on the stage and only one of them was dying. I can't believe, yeah. It sounded like you were writing it as you were saying it. And then I kissed her.

Like who the fuck, what are you talking about? I don't know. Is this a job that you had? Yeah, I cook beans. You cook beans? Uh huh. Alright. He's like my iPhone when it's on 1%.

So you cook beans, that's what you do for a living, right? That's what I did for a living when I quit. Now I see why your act stinks, by the way, around beans all day. Beans farting jokes, everybody. This is what I'm up to nowadays. So your boss is a woman that wanted to kiss you? Yeah, she was, this was like four years ago and she wanted to kiss me, yeah. Wow.

You're like if someone took all the testosterone out of Edward Norton. This is like if he did the reverse Hulk where he got super sick instead of super strong. Young Edward Norton. Okay, how long have you been cooking beans for? You still do that job? No, I did that for two years now. I work in a kindergarten classroom. Oh my god.

Everybody got sketched out. Yeah, this is frightening. How do you teach it from more than 100 feet away from the school? You just yell through the window? All right, today, kids, get out your bucks. The worst part is they keep showing me their genitals. What the fuck are you talking about, dude? Now this is going to be used in court or something.

We were all having fun on a podcast a second ago and you had to go and fucking talk about kids showing you their genitals. They got to cut it out. What? They got to stop showing me their genitals. First of all, I don't know what's been happening since I've been out here. Second of all, I really want to like you because your shirt says I love Grandma. And then you come up here, it's hard to understand what you're saying and I'm rooting for you really. But then you just keep digging yourself deeper.

You're just like this weird hole. Well, you started with a girl kissed me and everybody was like, I don't know. I saw that too when he came up, the I Love Grandma shirt and the more that I listened to him, I'm like, oh my God, he made that shirt after murdering his grandmother. Like this is like a weird way for him to separate himself from the crime. See me on the podcast. They'll know that I always love my grandma. Good to have been me.

I don't know where she went. This guy's not laughing at all. It almost seems as though I've actually caught you and you're thinking about moving the body now to a different place. Where would you, if you were going to kill somebody, what would you do with the body? You seem like a guy that's watched a few episodes of forensic files in your day. You seem like Dexter's little fucking retarded nephew or something like that. Must have a vibe, right? Where, what would you do with the body?

Miles Riley Martin Hoche Owens? Why the fuck is that your name, by the way? My mom messed up the paperwork. Obviously you have the same name editor as you have joke editor because it's a really long thing that doesn't really go anywhere at the end. Miles Riley Martin Hoche Owens. You are a band name. You have like a big band name. You know you don't have to use all the names. You know you could just be like Miley Owens.

I don't, I usually don't. But when we signed up they asked for ID and I just wrote the whole thing. Wow. What the fuck? So your stage name is Miles Riley, but your real name is Martin Hoche Owens? I use Miles Owens. Wow. Miles Owens is good.

I love it. Totally not a criminal with all these aliases. What's the craziest crime you've ever committed? You seem like the kind of guy that's lit a cat on fire before. I'm gonna be honest with you. I've never guessed that about anybody, but am I close to one? You ever come close to lighting a cat on fire at some point? No, I don't play with fire. How about rock? Have you ever thrown a rock at a cat? Have you ever fucked a cat?

No. How many trench coats do you have? Good question. So what do you do now? Kindergarten. Yeah, that's right. How long have you been on stand-up? I did my first mic when I was 20, but it's never been consistent. How old are you now?

26. Okay, why'd you laugh like that? Because both I've been doing it six years and I don't look 26. Where have you been doing this at? Where do you do this comedy? Is this in front of the bodies? You go to the shed sometimes and go, hey, real cold audience tonight. Mostly in the mirror, just the bathroom mirror. Okay, the bathroom mirror. Okay, so the bodies are propped behind you. That's good.

You can see them and yourself at the same time. Keep an eye on your evidence. I love it. Weird energy, six years. Are you on medication? No. No, why not? I feel like I know where Brian Laundrie went.

This is the guy that took bites out of Brian Laundrie and left him in a creek. Wait, when you say you work with kids, are you a teacher? Assistant. I don't know what my job is. How did you get it? Who gave you, who the fuck hired you? Are you one of these people that got hired when all the completely capable, vaccinated people had to quit or unvaccinated people had to quit their jobs because they already had the virus?

I think nobody else applied. This is what's happening, by the way, people right now. By the way, I don't know if you guys have been paying attention to the airlines. They're about to hire this guy to be a pilot in a week. All these completely capable, usually the best at their job people that aren't getting fucking vaccinated. This is where all the fast food workers have gone, now they're teachers, right? The Taco Bell by my house hasn't been open in a week because there's not enough employees. Where did they go?

It seems like you weren't really qualified for this. You hand a resume and it just says, I cooked beans. They're like, well, they so desperately need to hire somebody. They're like, bean, beanie, baby, baby, kindergartener, you're good, you got it. You seem sweet and then something shifts and then you go back to sweet. Sweet? Do you hook up with girls? Are you into sexual relations or do you seem like maybe you go roll solo a lot?

Yeah, I think I'm an alien. What makes you say that? Describe that more for us. Sometimes I'll do things, I feel like as a tourist, like a human being tourist. What kinds of things? Keep describing. Just talking to people. I'll go to concerts and I'll just stand there. I don't even dance. I just watch. Oh my God. This is like the real Anthony Jeslenick right here.

This is like, if he was just himself on stage, this is what it would be like. Where are you from? What part are you from? Texas originally? DC. Oh, that makes sense. Fuck yeah, you could be an alien. What else do you do?

This is good. I think we're actually finding your real comedic voice here is if you talking about the creepy shit that you do, like tell us why else you're an alien. Just keep describing it to us. After work, I go to Chick-fil-A and then I fall asleep in the parking lot. That's literally the funniest thing he said. This is your new opener. Do you understand that? That's good. Why the Chick-fil-A parking lot? Do you eat there or do you just go there to sleep?

I go there every day and then I eat so much food I just go into a coma for a few hours and I wake up and I do mics. Wow. Which location Chick-fil-A is this so that we all know to never go there? I switch it up because I don't want them to know that I'm eating there every day. Wow. That's the reason for all the names. That's it. That makes sense.

Miles Riley was at the one off 270. That's a freeway in Columbus. There's not even a 270 here. It's a circle. It is. It is the circle around Columbus. Anyway, yeah. I'm sorry. Did you say you go Chick-fil-A hopping? Like you rotate Chick-fil-A? It started when I left Chipotle I worked at Chick-fil-A. I would eat there and then I was still hungry but I didn't want to eat there again. And so I would go to another Chick-fil-A and then I just never stopped eating Chick-fil-A every day.

Jesus Christ, you might be the fucking... Did you ever like have a traumatic brain injury or something like that? Like I'm trying to figure out what's going on here. I don't believe so. Have you had the breakfast at Chick-fil-A? Okay, red band. You got red band's blood sugar going over here now everybody. You can almost hear it. Ooh, I didn't like to use a biscuit right now.

It's good. Simple good. All right, Miles Riley, Martin Hocho, and congratulations. Your first time on Kill Tony. Six years in the game. Here, take one of these. There you go. It's a real Kill Tony leather joke book made by the great Boneside. Let's get someone else out of this bucket. Jesus Christ. That was fucking weird.

That guy seems like he did a fucking line of lithium before coming up here tonight. And they all showed me his dick. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Isabella Carozza. Yeah. What up? I just visited my hometown in New Jersey. I had to tell my Italian Catholic mother that I'm a stripper. She was like, Isabella, you're selling your soul.

I was like, mom, that's not what I'm selling. I don't know. My friends from high school are engaged to be married right now. It's not where I thought I would be. The guys I date are like, oh, she's crazy. But I tell them from the first date, I'm Italian. I'm from New Jersey. I'm a stripper.

I'm trying to become a comedian before my knees give out. And still they act confused. Like, who slashed my tires? I don't know. They ask me dumb questions. Like, what that mouth do? Ruin your life. That's...

All right. That's it. That's all I'm going to do. All right. 52 seconds from Isabella Carozza. Am I saying that right? Are you Italian? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Is that true? You're really a stripper? Yeah. Wow. I didn't realize they had that at the chocolate factory.

That was good. You look like if Selena didn't have a dad. Dude. I asked Selena for Halloween this year, so that actually hit. Son of a bitch. All right. Isabella, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About a year.

Okay. You like it? Yeah. It's a lot of fun. All right. And that's true. Do you really strip to pay the bills? Yeah.

Wow. Okay. We're at... Palazios. Oh, okay. We're going to edit that out. Yeah, I know. We're going to put in subtitles and a voice dub that just says the yellow rose and the

red rose. Dude, I lost my social security card, so I can't work at the yellow rose or red rose. Wow. So Palazios totally... I can't believe they forced girls to show them their social security card. That's just what they tell the girls they don't want to hire, like, oh, yeah. Totally need a social security card. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you got that? We're going to need a birth certificate, two forms of ID, four credit cards. All the things strippers lose. Oh, shit, Isabella. All right. I love it. Where are you originally from? I'm from New Jersey.

I was going to guess that. That's so interesting. Yeah. You seem like that. Yeah. Have you seen the many saints of Newark? What? Nothing, for good.

What part of Jersey? Morristown, so, like, North... Oh, shit. All right. You don't have an accent at all. How's that possible? Thank God. I don't know.

You sort of have a little Fran Drescher in there. Yeah, I was going to say that, too. Like a Fran Drescher troll doll or something like that. How classy is the strip club you work at? Like, is there a back room? I've never been to the strip club looking for the refrigerator. The chicken tenders are good cold. All right.

Yeah. It's nice. It's, like, super, like, high-end. All the customers just assume I'm the buzz boy. Any wild nights there or any of these guys? I always wonder what that's like. Are there any, like, rich guys that, like, fall in love with you and tell you, like, want to do something crazy that night?

How does that work? How many roses? I gave DMX a lap dance. I gave DMX a lap dance before he died. Really? That's what killed him. Oh, no. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You're amazing. You're very funny. Thank you. Really funny. Was it DMX or was it just a dog? Yeah.

I swear, I heard him. He was like, arg, arg. Yeah, it was ridiculous. Hi. Anybody else other than DMX? No, that was about the extent. It was DMX right before he died. Wow, how soon before he died?

It was, like, two weeks. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God. This is the saddest thing about DMX's death is finding out that this was his last lap dance, everybody. Is there anything more depressing than finding out this is a Kill Tony exclusive?

Breaking news. We found the girl to give DMX his last lap dance. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's just in. We got her. She goes by the name of Isabella Corotza. She's been identified.

I want to know more about the lap dance. Tell us more about it. So what is it? Hey, what's up, girl? He ended up getting kicked out. He got kicked out. He whipped out his dick and I was like, no, DMX, no. Oh, shit.

And I was like, no. And then he was like, huh. And then the bouncers came and were like, we're like, we're going to go. No. Wait a second. Hold on. Let's slow it down.

So DMX pulls out his dick. Let me ask you this. Does his dick make a noise? Is it like, errr? I'm pretty sure. It was the one doing the barking. Hear that echo? That's legit.

It was an intimidating dick. And I was like, oh. Really? What are we talking about here? What are we talking about? Is it true that it had the same glasses D-Madness is wearing right now? All right.

So DMX pulled. So did you tell on DMX? No, they have cameras. So they just kind of came back there. Oh, they do? I like stood up and I was like, DMX, no. And they were playing like X going to give it to you. I was like, no.

Oh, yeah. He almost did. If those cameras weren't there, he was going to give it to you. There's no doubt about it. What a nightmare. What a good story. If it was a little bit smaller, would you have done it? No.

No. It's like, why do that when you could just not do that? Did he give you a heads up where you just look down and there's just DMX's D? There it is. Just DMXXL. That would happen. He would. Yeah.

Was he wearing boxers or briefs? What's your stage name? My stage name is Sophia. Sophia. Like the Gilmore girl. For those of you in the strippers under the height of four foot five, you're in for a treat. Here come Sophia, everybody. Oop-a-loop-a-doop-a-dee-doo.

I've got another stripper for you. Everybody in the room agrees. There's something a little oom-ba-loompy about you. It's very, it's what I've gotten since I was like four. I bet. Have you ever been that for Halloween? No. You wouldn't have to do anything.

You just go outside trick-or-treating. Oh sweetheart, look at the cute little oom-ba-loom-ba. What kind of body spray do you use? All right, red band. Too creepy. He has all of them at home and then he goes and he thinks about you sniffing that one. I feel like you're a coconut girl. You come around.

You smell like coconut? No. Cucumber. Oh God. She definitely smells like cucumber. That's a famous stripper thing is cucumber, I do believe. Really? No, I have no idea.

Is Cody here from the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose? Cody, why don't you come down? Cody, hire me. Let's see if it's true. We happen to have the general manager of the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose here tonight. These are the two monopolized by far best strip clubs in the city. We're going to find out what would happen if this girl walked into Cody's office looking for a job.

We're going to find out right now. This is the type of show. People sign up for this. You're taking a risk on this show. If you do, if great things happen, then great things happen. But every once in a while, here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Just when the show doesn't get any better, this is the general manager of the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose.

I've now confirmed Weinschenk and Kongen are indeed too high for this moment right now. Way too high. I'm looking at them just spinning around in their chairs. The glasses aren't going to help this situation. All right, Cody, this girl walks into your office. What are you saying? Are you taking her back to Oz with you? What are we doing here?

I'm not hiring her. What's that? I'm not going to hire her. You're not going to hire her? No. Oh my God. Cody is cold as ice. Hey, just kick him.

Cold is ice, Cody, which makes sense because you're built like an ice cube. Chucky and fake. Wow. You guys actually take social security cards up there? We do. You've got to have two forms of ID. How about this one? How many forms of ID does she need?

Three, at least. There's nothing better. This is such a great moment in the history of the show where I brought up a midget to make fun of somebody else. You just got to love Kill Tony. This is like auditioning for Book of Mormon, but in Stripper World. You don't have a passport? I do, but they don't take that in Texas.

All right. What club did you say you work at again? Oh, that's a... Oh, the competition. I don't know if I can believe that one. Hell yeah. Those people at those other strip clubs, they all fucking turn their nose up at you, Cody. And they don't even have to do it.

That's the sad part, because they're already towering above you. Technically, they're... All right. Cody is the fucking man. Isabella Carotta, thank you guys for being on this show. Cody, we love you. Yellow rose, red rose. He's the best.

How about a hamper by friend Cody? Here you go, Isabella. Take a joke book. Have you had one of those already? There you go. Whatever. She's been on this show before. I think she once made out with Hans.

You know, maybe we should do that, huh? Let's wait a beat. Let's get one more person out of here. Okay, make some noise for your next comedian. It is Hunter Gio, everyone. Here we go. You guys having fun out there tonight? Somebody coming?

I don't see any movement. Is that a human coming? All right. Okay, British John is the next. Look at that. All right, everybody. One more time for Hunter Gio. Clap your hands for Hunter, everybody.

It's a real live show. Do I start now? Go? Okay. This is my first time doing stand-up, so if it sucks... Hey, put the mic in your mouth. Put the mic up to your mouth. We're going to start it over one more time, everybody.

One more time for Hunter Gio, everybody. My time's over already. I sound like a dying cat. That's fine. But yeah, no, so I'm kind of new to the area, and I've been to Sixth Street before, and I'm sure a lot of you have as well. And people are really weird on Sixth Street.

Like, some guy came up to me on Sixth Street, and he was talking to me. He was like, yo, so my sister's in town, and you know, when my sister's in town, we get to hook up and stuff. And I was like, okay, that's cool. And then he kept on going, and he was like, no, you don't understand.

Like, she's DTF. Like, she goes all the way. And that's kind of a weird thing to kind of just bring up to someone, let alone a stranger, just talking about, like, you know, your sibling, right? It's a really weird thing to bring up. So that got me thinking, like, how common is that for people to kind of, you know, point their siblings

or their relatives? And yeah, I looked into it, and it's like 15%, like, every single study, it's like 10 to 15%. So if we're looking around the room here, that means probably like, I don't know, 10 or 20 of you probably have, you know, hooked up with your relatives or to some extent or another. So Jesus fucking Christ.

Hunter Gio, everybody, making his Kill Tony debut. This could perhaps very well be his first time ever being outside of his house, everybody. I work remotely, so you picked up on that. Wow, I love it. This is Jason Voorhees when he takes the mask off, everybody. This is great. I had glasses, I just got Lasik, too.

All right, no one gives a fuck. Are you sure about that? We're playing a wacky improv game right now, you son of a bitch. Hunter, how old are you? Uh, 25. 25 years old, where are you from? I'm from Jersey, as well.

Not where that hobbit was from, but... Whoa, you just called her a hobbit, dude. You would need five forms of ID, bro. How dare you? I don't know, if I was a chick, I think black dudes would love me. Oh my god, you have the confidence of somebody that's actually funny.

Like, the way you say things is wildly confident, and there's just nothing there whatsoever. I have a nice ass. Hunter, Hunter, focus over here. Jesus. That is true, he's blind. He's so confident. You look like, in college, you weren't a fraternity.

Like, if you roofied a girl, you'd go down on her first. Yeah, pretty much. Just to smell it, though. He wouldn't even do anything, he would just smell it all creepy, continuously. He wouldn't even use his mouth on it at all. Seems like a real sniffer, this guy.

You know what I mean? Hunter, have you ever been with a woman before? Uh, this porn account? Have you ever done porn? Uh... Jesus, welcome to a very special brain-damaged episode of Piltoni. Do we know each other? I knew we were...

Do I know him? No, do they know each other? Him and the other guy? You know the other guy that was up earlier? Are you talking about Riley? Miles Riley, Martin Hocho? Yeah, maybe you guys just have a gas leak. Are they roommates?

Yeah, there is something going on. You seem like you're having the time of your life, though, up here right now. You seem so happy. I'm shaking, I'm so nervous. It's the first time doing stand-up ever, he said. You ever do karaoke or anything like that? You ever had a microphone in front of your face?

No. Right. That's how the universe was trying to keep it for a long time. And then, what made you want to do this? Did somebody tell you you're funny? You had the ice cream parlor or something like that? What the fuck happened here? How does this happen?

I don't know. It just seemed like something to do in Austin. Something to do in Austin? Jesus Christ, man. The crazy part about this night is you still somehow had the second best set of the night, according to my notes. That's how bad the show's been tonight. Where's your cowboy hat, by the way?

What the fuck did you just say to me? Where's your cowboy hat? Wherever the fuck I want it to be. What are you asking me right now? Where's your fucking cowboy hat? It's at home. Jesus. Do you really have a cowboy hat?

Yeah, it's just dense and high. I spent like $300 on it. Wow. How do you have $300? I don't because I spent it all on the hat. Jesus. You're a real... You're like if Jim Carrey wasn't funny.

Just a not funny, like, Down syndrome Jim Carrey. You're like Jim Scarry. There you go. Thank you. Sound effect for that. That was a dolphin, everybody. All right. What should we know about you before I let you go?

Because you're frightening the shit out of me. What should we know about you? What's a fun fact about Hunter Geo? I pretended to be a marine for a whole semester of community college. Oh my God. I fucking love you. Oh my God. You're a special kind of honest.

Are you a little autistic? I probably ought to spectrum. Okay. There we go. There's an organization called Autism of Speaks. Unfortunately, it sounds like this. Oh my God. You're so likeable until you talk.

A little bit here. I'm probably going to get fired now. Fucking sea animals. Jesus. That was another attempted joke by Hunter Geo. The sounds like this thing. Do you live with your parents still? No, I moved here by myself.

Whoa. I'm a grown man. What's your apartment like? You live by yourself? I have a stuffed bobcat in the corner. What? Do you really? Yeah.

His name's Hunter. Yeah. Hunter named you after what you do to women. After what Louis J Gomez does to women. The fuck is that? I don't know. Is Michael Lair's chair stuck on the stairs or something? What is that?

It's wild. He's backing up. It's just shitfaced by now. That guy doesn't shot a tequila. He's rocked. Oh my God. All right, Hunter. Wild, wild stuff, dude.

Do you make money? I asked you that already. Marketing. Marketing? Just a normal job. Yeah. Yeah, you say that like that's not the truth, though. That flailing arm when he said it.

You guys see that? That fucking right arm is fucking marketing. Totally nothing. Where am I not? You're a suspicious fucking dude, bro. I'm going to be looking at the TV for your mugshot in the near future. What kind of things do you market? I don't know.

I don't even know. I show up and I, you know, I BS my way through today. I mean, if you market something, you have to know what it is. It's kind of 90% of the job. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm surprised they pay me, too. Wow, you're literally the worst.

It's incredible. I love it. Hunter Gio, thanks for signing up for the show. Hopefully things get better for you here. Take a little joke book. It's a tough business, bro. A lot of these people prepare. They prepare for months, years.

Hunter Gio's like, I just want a fun thing to do in Austin. I'm going to go bomb. All right. Let's get a regular up here, everybody. Let's get someone up here that we know is going to make the best of this moment. This guy is a regular here on Kilton. He was made a regular here in Austin, Texas. And he's been on a complete kill streak ever since.

This is the one, the only, a brand new minute from the great and powerful Hans Kim everyone. Here we go. Oh. Yes. Good to be here. My name is Hans Kim and my grandparents are holocaust survivors. They were in Korea the whole time.

They avoided it completely. The Japanese occupation, not so much. They both got raped multiple times, but the Jews could really learn a lesson from how we handled the holocaust. It's tough to date in 2021 without a social safety net. It's like dates aren't looking for a good time. They're looking for a retirement plan and health care and dental and vision. It's like, I think you're looking for Bernie Sanders. Why don't you go vote?

You know, you don't go to Bernie Sanders for an orgasm. Don't come to me for basic human rights. I love you guys. Thank you. Exactly a minute in and out. Genius, the brilliant, the great Hans Kim. Thank you. Welcome back, Hans.

Thank you, Tony. Indeed, Hans. I loved it. I loved it. Loved it, Hans. You look like one of the kids from the magic school bus. Thank you. You're really funny.

Thank you. You might also recognize him. He plays 30 of the characters in Squid Games. He's like the Eddie Murphy of that movie. Just playing all these different roles. I am your grandmother. All right. There's not even a grandma in that fucking show.

I don't know why I said that. Anyway, Hans, what's going on in the world? You out there fucking slaying it? Yeah, I'm doing pretty good. I'm going on Instagram Live. I talked to a couple of my followers. Literally a couple? Yeah.

A throuple. Three of them at once. It's just a good time. We chill vibes, you know. All right. Instagram Live. Super exciting. Is this something you just found out about?

Like you're just sitting there talking to people? Yeah. Oh shit, dude. I can't believe I can do it. Are you lonely? A little bit. Wow. What's been going on with your love life?

Absolutely zero. You know, it's like women don't even watch Kill Tony anymore. Women don't watch Kill Tony anymore? Is that what he said? I meant like I'm not attractive probably. What the fuck just happened there, Hans? Did you just insult the show and then insult it yourself to save the show? Is that what just happened?

Is that what I just witnessed? He's a genius. Wow. I'm so sorry, Tony. Genuine. How many days this week have you been single? About five. Five of the seven days this week.

What happened the other two days? I broke up with Paige again. I took her table because she let me. You live in a van. What do you need a table for? It was for my friend Riley. It's like I was in between. I went down to get a table and break up with Paige and then came back.

Okay, well you got a table. Yeah, I got the table. Damn, it doesn't take four legs to leave a woman. That's a break up with your girl and a table joke at the same time. That's why it didn't work and I'll never do it again. I promise. I promise everybody. One time only.

You know, we might even, how many of you think we should edit that out of this? I'm kidding. I'm just joking. They all get to hear this part and they're like, why do they talk about editing stuff and then we don't even do it. Hans, if you could edit one thing out of the history of this podcast, what would it be? I almost want to know the first thing that you thought of that you're not going to say is your brain scrambles for the second time.

I was going to say every time Paige was on, but that seems a little... She really has your heart a little broken, huh? What do you want to do? You need to feel extra special tonight? You want to kiss a girl? Every once in a while we do a thing where a random, beautiful woman in the audience comes up and gives Hans Kim a big, big smooch on the lips. Famously, girls, when they come up here, they really never go for a peck.

They always shove their tongue down his throat. The crowd goes wild. They suck at dicks. Is there a woman out there that wants to come give Hans Kim a big kiss? He's a good boy. He's Asian American. They went through a lot this year. I love all of you.

So I've heard. I think if nobody does it, it's a hate crime. Yeah, that's true. Come on, everybody. We're only seven months away from Asian Awareness Month. Come on, let's celebrate it by kissing Hans Kim. It's in May. I know that shit.

Trust me. I'll never forget that. Asian Awareness Month May. Don't do those jokes in May. All right. All right. June through April. Let's go.

No, I'm kidding. All right. All right. Shut the fuck up, dude. Stop being creepy. This Chucky Dolls come to life over here. Jesus Christ. Don't touch anybody.

Look at this fucking carrot bottom over here. Look at this guy. All right. Hans, what else is going on? You want to do a song or something? It seems like you have like a bunch of pent up energy. Nobody wants to kiss you. Yeah, I could do a song.

Hold on. This guy's standing up. Here we go. This guy with a beard. The first ever man to kiss. Come on. Oh, where is he going? Oh, he's going to put money in his meter.

What do you want to do? I could try to entertain with a funny story. Oh, OK. What's a funny story? Go ahead, Hans. Oh. Oh. You didn't think I would call your bluff on that?

I got arrested for shoplifting in college. Whoa. You did? Yeah. What were you stealing? I was stealing like a computer mouse and some bowls and like food. Most Asian shit I've ever heard in my entire life. Black kids are cool.

They're out there stealing sneakers. Fucking. Did you get caught shoplifting growing? I mean, I had something worse than that. I had Apollo Abdul CD. Like that was even. Wow. Red band was shoplifting Arby's.

Yeah. You could go out to shoplift Arby's. Yeah, it's hard to shoplift in an Arby's too. Because you have to get on the other side of the counter. I made no sense, Kim. No, but my friend Billy Poole used to get in trouble. He would always be the one that got caught. Anyway.

What happened? Did they put you in the little, where was this at? Atlanta. What store? What? A Target. Oh shit. I bet you're great to shoplift with.

Nobody even fucking looks at you. Yeah. I'm pretty skinny, so I was putting it in my coat. Oh wow. It's pretty sneaky. Hey, look at the skinny Asian guy with bowls in his coat everybody. Oh my goodness. There he goes.

So what do you say when they caught you? How did they catch you? Did a security guard come up to you or a cashier? They were watching me on the camera and they saw I had a little knife. So they called the police because they have to. Oh shit. And the police was like, don't reach in your pocket or I'll fucking punch you in the face. Wow.

So then I started taking my glasses off because I didn't want him to punch me with my glasses on. And by the shape of your face, I'm guessing he punched you really hard. Tony, you can't say that. I did it again. Brittany's free everybody. All right. Anyway. Did your parents find out?

Yeah, they paid for my lawyer. Oh. That's the second most Asian thing I've ever heard in my life. Absolutely incredible. Wait, you had a lawyer? I mean that's just like a ticket, isn't it? Yeah. I just did community service.

What did you have to do? What kind of community service? I helped set up chairs at a church. Oh. And then I look at you, dirty little sinner boy, dirtying up the chairs at a church. Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Any crazy church things ever happen with you? They make you wear like an orange jumpsuit or something? In church? For my community service? Yeah. I was like a peon. I mean they were like, they were like not that serious about it. And like I just forged the document and then like I sent it in.

It's like I did all these hours, but I didn't really do all this. So I was. Oh, I think we might send this clip into them and get you back on that community service. I love it. Hans, you're a legend. Every single week you come on, you do another new minute. So much fun. We love you.

Thank you so much. Everybody. Let's keep it moving. Back to the bucket we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Pedro Valenzuela. Pedro Valenzuela right out of the bucket. Poor Hans. No one wanted to kiss him.

Yeah. Hey, what the fuck is up? Who's trying to turn up tonight? Let's go. Last night I got so turned up. I didn't even turn up to my narcotics anonymous meeting. Come on. Let's go.

You ever done a bunch of cocaine? But you only use one nostril. So one half of your brain's coming up with business deals. And the other half's just killing the fucking vibe? Let's go. What all this white girl on me? You would think I was Elsa from Frozen. Let it go.

Let's go. Hey, man, I missed my hood drug dealer. It was just because he always had drugs I didn't even know I wanted. He had ecstasy. I was like, oh, I'm good, bro. I was like, hey, bro, this shit, this will put the tits back on Ellen Page. I was like, all right, I'll take it. All right, thank you guys.

All right, Pedro Valenzuela, everybody. All right. Pedro, grab that microphone. I'm going to talk to you. How do you look like a grandmother and a grandson at the same time, first of all? It's very tricky to cover generations and genders like you do. It's incredible. You look like a Napoleon dynamite if the dynamite went off.

What kind of dynamite, Tony? Shut the fuck up, dude. I hate it when people try to tag or play along. That's a great joke. Why was it a Napoleon dynamite joke? That dynamite joke was great. Was that from the movie or something? No, no, that's a great joke.

Oh, OK, thank you. Yes, indeed. Yes, I know that my jokes are great, Red Band. Thank you so much. I literally didn't even know what you were talking about. Thank you for the validation, though. OK, so let's talk about it, Pedro. You've been on the show before.

Remind us of what we know about you. I was on the show before. Yeah, OK. Are you about to freestyle rap right now? Is that what's going on? I was on the show before, knocking at the door. I knew you wanted more. If you were a rapper, your name would be Fentywap.

Anybody got some fennies, though? Got it. Never mind. I sort of hate you. It's incredible. I was on the show with so many unlikable people that I can also... All right. Pedro, what do you do for work?

I deliver for H-E-B pharmacy. So it's like... I give pharmaceuticals to old people. Sometimes they're really happy. Sometimes they're kind of angry at me because they're like, why did it take so long? Do you ever lose it? You lose some of the...

It's like when you eat a fry, one time I delivered to this guy and he was like, oh, thanks for my morphine dinner. Jesus Christ. This guy's on acid. Yeah. Are you on something right now? Are you always like this? A little bit goofy?

Like Lenny Kravitz with a brain injury? Heavily can cuss Lenny Kravitz? After the show, maybe. Okey-dokey. Somebody... All right. This is an episode where I want to ask everybody, are you okay?

It's a very interesting one. Every once in a while, it makes you wonder what's going on in the corner of that room. If there's some kind of black mold over everybody or something where they just come up here and they're just fucking... Everybody's all googly-eyed like this fucking guy. Look at those glasses. That's just the glasses.

I remember you once said that he looks like Uncle Junior from the Sopranos. That's my favorite joke you've ever made. While we're complimenting each other's jokes. All right. I remember that Uncle Junior one. It's a good one. He said you have the eyes of Uncle Junior from the Sopranos.

Mostly the glasses. Only for the people that know the show. Yoni, can you zoom in on those fucking glasses? There you go. You got it, all right. Anyway, what else, Pedro? Since the last time you were on, is there something where you're like, wow, maybe I could have talked about that for a second.

It wasn't a boring story about delivering fucking drugs to old people. Okay. Well, at the beginning of the pandemic, I moved to LA and I lived in my car for a while. But it was pretty crazy because it was like during the pandemic so everything was shut down. So it was like homeless people just fucking roaming the streets. I mean, you're one of them.

How are you insulting these people while you're in your car? You're just like, get a car, losers. That's the story though. You're talking about homeless people that don't have a car, you asshole. Jesus Christ, that's capitalism for you right there. Just people right at the bottom just shitting on those just barely beneath them. So I was parking my car because I live in my car and then I parked like in front of this tent.

Yeah, uh-huh. Parked in front of this tent and this guy came out and he was like, hey, you can't park in front of my tent. And I was like, you don't own the street. You know what I'm saying? So he came, he grabbed a golf club and he like smashed my car window. I bet he fucking did. Yeah.

Also, guess what? That guy owns that street. He did. He did. After that, I was like, all right, bro, you got this. Imagine if you don't have a car and someone pulled their fucking muffler up to your town. What would you do?

And all that you owned was a golf club. He said, are you in the KGB? This guy was pretty. Yeah, but when you have a car, you're not parking somewhere. Distance isn't a problem. So you could have just went down the street and parked somewhere else. Why do you really fight with this guy? Well, I didn't fight him.

That's all I said. And then he said, he was like, you're a weirdo or whatever. He was like, you're homeless. And I was like, you live in a tent. I live in my car. You know, it's bad when a homeless dude calls you a weirdo. That's when he grabbed the golf club. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. This isn't the story most people would brag about. I'm not bragging about it. Pedro, good to have you on again. You already have a small joke book, right? Yeah. All right, there he goes. Pedro Valenzuela.

That's what he was getting tonight. We need more small joke books. Bones Eye. I pulled a name out earlier when someone was walking slow. Your next comedian's name is British John, everybody. British John is next on Kill Tony. How I hope this is a real British man named John. It is.

Make some noise one more time for British John, everybody. Good evening. I'm keeping the mask. This is the solution to British dentistry. This is... I'm done now. Thank you. You're very kind.

This is the accent you could have had, but you decided to go with a slightly gay John Wayne ordering avocado toast. You're not going to get an empire, but I like it. I like what you've done. It's nice. I have an American wife and an anchor baby if that doesn't work out. That's the new white people shit. We're taking that as well. No, I am truly blessed.

I want to apologize to my parents. There are some horrible creases in my shirt, but you're the ones that made wire hangers illegal, so fuck you. British fucking John. Powerful performance, sir. This is amazing. That was great. You're making up for the lack of stage presence and presentation. Every other comedian is lacked here tonight.

This is absolutely incredible. You're dressed like you're here for America's Got Talent or something like that. You actually dressed up for this. I don't know if you saw the train wreck that was on before you, those thick dirty glasses he had on, but you are a class actor, sir. He could have been my father. Wait, why would he be your father? He played away. He was good at it.

He had a good game. That must be some of the wacky British jokes that we don't get. Some of this stuff doesn't translate over. What kind of car do you live in, sir? I live in a Rolls Royce, my friend. British power. We used to ask if we could just borrow your country, but things have changed. How long are you visiting America for?

You live in the United Kingdom? No, God, I wasn't joking. I really do have the anchor baby. I live here now. Oh, nice. What part of the greatest country in the world do you live in? God damn rat. Don't you ever fucking forget it.

I'm from a great country. How's this sound for gay John Wayne, you son of a bitch? You be careful. I got my prop guns from Alec Baldwin, all right? Easy. I waited one week for that. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. These wacky British will get you sleeping for Christmas or something like that. I was with the forces. I've seen bigger guns dialing there. No, I know. It's impressive. Where are you at in America?

Bay Area. The Bay Area. I love it. I love it. You like it over there? I like the women. Wow. I can't afford not to.

You're not just settled down with one woman? You know what? Until my citizenship comes through, we'll just stick with the one. Right. Absolutely. How's that going for you? What do you like about American girls that are different than girls in England? Can I ask the audience a question?

Do you mind? All right, sure. Any friends of Jimi Hendrix? He died in London. He choked to death on a British woman. That's how hairy they are. That's why I live in America. You son of a bitch.

British women don't shave, huh? Hairy? They got bushes down there? I was raised on a farm. I knew what I was doing. That's wild. Not everyone else has an opportunity. That's wild.

I thought bush was American royalty, not British. Anyway, stupid, stupid joke. Admittedly. Mark it down. That's a stupid joke. I love it. And remind us what you do for work, exactly. You're such a classy gentleman.

I know you're one of the challengers on the game show, The Chase. That's for like seven people that know that reference. But you guys know what I'm talking about? The Beast over here. No, I'm actually a professional hacker. I actually fuck with people's computers for a living. Oh, wow. This is super cool.

Hell yeah. We want you on our side. I love it, British John. Turn your VPN on. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. I've seen your browser history, Red Band.

I want to know why the fuck a male donkey, seriously. A female just makes it easier. Males are cleaner. Well, he's actually looking at it to eat it. He's not gonna fuck it. If you wanted a new meat. Yeah. I'm gonna try donkey.

Those are the types of purchases he makes at 3 a.m. on Amazon. You look like the new monopoly man. I've been called worse. I love it. So, British John, you do like private jobs. Do you work for like a corporation? What do you do with that type of power? Yeah, I do all sorts of interesting things we don't talk about.

I love it. This is like the fucking James Bond also wanted to dabble in stand-up comedy. A little bit. And that is awesome. You're a badass, sir. I like your style. How many different outfits do you have like that? They're all very similar.

It helps with the material. Just lean into it a little bit. Yeah, I like your style. Do you think VPNs actually are pretty good for the most people to secure their networks? Not for you, but for most people, yes. Why not for him? He's got a dirty browser? He's watching porn on a smart TV.

That's not funny. You are watching porn on a smart TV. Well, I got a VPN on my network. Oh, all right. He's got a VPN, a KFC. He's got it all over here. And then you're donkey at Arby's. I'm waiting for that one.

That's awesome. I love it. I love it. What the fuck was I just going to ask you? You have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that has a few fucking magic tricks on him at all times or something like that. You play any music or anything like that? It's a front to rhythm and blues band, but it was a few numbers.

You would sing? I used to. Is there a song that you used to sing in particular? How many of you think we should have British John sing a fucking song here tonight? Soul Man? Bit of rhythm and blues, bit of Soul Man? Oh shit, here we go. The British are coming, everybody.

The British are coming. My favorite blackface movie. British John putting it together here. It's like an Elton John Slade American Puss, this fucking guy. It makes sense that he's British because he shaped like a teacup. Hey, hey, I like that. This is the full COVID-45. I'll be honest with you.

Oh shit, look at that. That's just fucking crumpets right there. This guy's made of crumpets. You guys going to play a little something? All right, here we go. Oh shit. No way. What is about to happen here?

Coming to you on a dusty road. Good loving, I got a truck load. And when you get it, you got something. So don't worry, cause I'm coming. I'm a soul man. I'm a soul man. I'm a soul man. I'm a soul man.

Fuck yeah. Wow, British John. Incredible. God bless the queen. Holy shit. That was amazing. Wow, British John's great. That's great.

Absolutely incredible. I love it. What do you ladies think about British John? I'm getting real Ask Jeeves vibes. What if this was Jeeves the whole time? He was answering everything on the other end. I get your answer. You stupid American peasant.

Easy for me. I can disappear a body if you need me to darling. I feel like you could though. You say it with an English accent, I believe you. I feel like you're the security guard at the other girl strip club. Actually, that's not a bad idea. That could be. I should check their backgrounds very thoroughly later on.

I've had all my vaccines. You must be terrifying to date like as a girl. Like you probably, you ever do that? Like you meet a new girl at a bar. Did I ever date anybody as a girl? Well, there was a period of time, Red Band. And I don't talk much about it in public. I mean, he'd be frightening.

No, like, you know, you meet somebody and then you, you know. Let's be honest. The only reason I got laid, it wasn't the personality, it was the accent. Let's be fucking clear. Does that work on a lot of American girls? They all like sort of fall down. Not since I got married. No, I just eased off a bit.

Before that, there's a reason I don't play at home. Right. There, I'm vanilla. Right. I gotcha. Alright. The movie was originally American Cream Pie. Son of a bitch.

British John, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go? You're very kind. I, you can watch me in Salt Lake City at Wise Guys on the 13th. Oh, awesome. And at San Diego at the American Comedy Club on the... Oh, cool. 15th and BritishJohn.com. I'm supporting Kabir Singh for the next couple of months.

Are you in town Thursday? Damn it for you darling, yes. I would love to have you on The Secret Show, man. Hell yeah. British John joining us, getting a big joke book, handmade leather kill Tony joke book. Very fun. Alright. The tide is turning.

Back to the bucket we go. British John. Alright, let's see what happens now. It's Ellis H, everyone. Ellis H. Ooh, I heard like a groan from the comedian circle. That's interesting. Here he comes running everybody.

One more time for Ellis H, everyone. Alright, alright, alright. Okay, so parents love giving their kids cute names like Pookie, Peanut, shit like that, right? You know what my momma call me growing up? Deep throat. I'm telling you, yeah, it's because I used to eat and drink food really fucking fast. My momma was like, God damn boy, you got a deep throat. And that's the name, that's where the name stuck.

But ladies and gentlemen, we give words power, we give words connotation. You know what I'm saying? In London, Spotted Dick is a dish. In America, Spotted Dick is a problem. I did not know the sexual implications behind the name until I got into high school. My homeboy put me aside and said, hey man, you know Rachel? I said, yeah, I know Rachel. He said, bro, she got a deep throat.

I said, shit, me too. Yeah, yeah, but my daddy said I got a real deep throat. He said, yo daddy, I'm like, well, it's my momma who started it, but. Hey, are we playing basketball or nah? Alright, that's it. If y'all feeling good, give me a hell, y'all. Yeah, I like your energy. Ellis H, fuck yeah, I love it.

Wow, Ellis H, look at you. Yes sir, yes sir. Fuck yeah, like a thick Kevin Hart. Yeah. Hey, Kevin Hart failed you, right? You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. I love it.

Absolutely. Welcome to the show, Ellis. This is your first time on Kill Tony, correct? Yes sir. How long have you been on stand up? Three years sir. Where at? In San Antonio and San Marcos.

Nice, nice. Is that where you're from? Yeah, but I broke up with my chicken shit, so I moved back to Austin. Oh, okay. How long were you with her for? Four years, bro. She's married and has a baby now. Oh my goodness.

Yeah, that bitch ain't shit. Wow. Damn. I'm out here working my ass off of this one. Is it your baby? No, it ain't mine. Okie dokie. How soon, how recently did you break up with her?

December of last year. December of last year, okay. You had me nervous there for a second, because I'm doing the math on nine months. Alright, December of last year. Why'd you break up with her? Because she got pregnant from somebody else? No, you know what's crazy? Women don't believe you when you say, I'm an actor and I do stand up.

And she thought it was cute in the beginning, but when I was still doing it, she's like, okay, so you're really serious about this shit. Right, right. Because you weren't spending a lot of time with her is what you're saying, right? Yeah, man. But you loved her? No. Oh, okay.

Yo, she a dirty ass bitch. Oh my God, there's sometimes this show just has little moments like that where it's so honest and real and powerful. Holy fucking shit. How long, four years you were with her and you didn't even love her? Bro, like, it's just like I'm loyal. And I just tried to make it work. I was like, you know, we're going to fight through this and we're going to get it together.

You know, you ain't going to love everybody all the time. I just wanted to say it's normal if you want to kill yourself. It's food. It's cool. Man, I found out, man, I hate when you fucking. Why is it that when you break up with somebody, you start learning the truth and shit? It was like, my mom was like, look, you're better off. The bitch didn't have a neck.

I was like, what? Baby, that woman was like a shampoo bottle just head and shoulders. I said, God, my daddy said that she looked like a Batman villain. I'm upset. I'm like, oh, like Catwoman. No. Oh, poison Ivy. No.

Oh, the penguin. I said, this nigga let me go around the city clapping cheeks with Danny DeVito. Matilda. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. LSH is a monster. Everybody. Wow.

Wow. Every once in a while, this bucket fucking provides. Wow. You're a funny man, Ellis. What do you do for work? I do lift, bro. You what? I lift weights.

No. You drive the car? No, just driving cars. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. How long you been doing that for? Since March.

Since March. Okay. What were you doing before that? Working at Lowe's. Oh, okay. Man, fuck Lowe's. Oh, shit. What happened with Lowe's?

It sounds like you never really loved it either. It just like, I don't know, man. Like it's just a number of old white folks that go there, old white men. I don't know why race is always in like play. Like he's asking me about lumber and then somehow he's telling me about how his daddy marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. I'm like, Nick, bitch, do you want the red oak or not? Oh my God.

I don't give a fuck. Oh my God, dude. I've seen this before. This is a fucking star, everybody. This is what a star is. It really is. Thank you, man. You're one of those guys.

God is good. This is very exciting. Thank y'all. Thank y'all. Thank y'all. I love it, Alice. So three years, you've been going real hard at this, huh? Yes, sir.

You said you act as well. Have you been in anything or done anything? Well, Lord willing, I was in a, we did a show, our feature in Maine called Hierarchy. It's coming out summer 22. Maybe, maybe not. Yeah, I don't know. So if you don't see it, I said maybe not. God damn it.

You are by far the most talented lift driver I've ever had on this show. Hey, thank you. You're in the top three Uber drivers, but you're the best lift driver we've ever had. Hey, let's go. Yeah. I love it. You're going to be famous. Hey, thank you, ma'am.

I appreciate you. You look like... Oh, shit. Is he the ice cube? She slips on her words only when she wants to fuck the guy. Wow, I didn't realize the Migos were joining the party here. What type of, what types of girls are you into? Have you ever been with a Puerto Rican woman before?

Man, you know, it's crazy. It's like, I've mostly been dating Mexican chicks, but I'm trying to switch it up. So I went on black.com. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is where I'm hitting the pause button for just a second. Do you say black.com? Yeah, blackpeoplemeet.com. Was that a black man?

Oh, wow. Holy shit. Hell yeah. It's a black guy with a white accent over there. It sounds like fucking Tony Hinchcliff. Black.com's awesome. I wish you could see it, man. Yeah.

Yeah. They don't make dating sites in Braille yet? Wait, I don't think black.com is a dating site. Yeah, wait, is black.com porn or dating? No, it's dating. Wow. And it's just that simple. BLACK.com and it sends you.

No, it's just BLK. Whoa. That's totally different. Send something about our education systems. Okay. Sometimes I try to go to MLK.com and I hit the wrong button and I end up there because I'm always interested in the Martin Luther King foundations and whatnot. Anyway, so you go to the black.com, then what happens?

You know, and then I'm trying to switch it up. I've been dating them with Mexican chicks and now I'm trying to get, you know, that cocoa butter love, you know? Wait, you're saying now you're trying to hook up with more black girls? More black women, yes. Okay. But I keep matching with Mexicans even on black.com. Wow.

Jesus Christ. You bitches is following me. Question. I don't know why at first I thought they segregated the shit. Like only black people could be on that forum. Very good. It's crazy that you keep getting Mexicans. It's like you went from Lowe's to Home Depot.

One of the best in the world. Yeah. In the whole wide planet. Hey, can I be real though? I don't want, this is going to sound weird. You're going to make a joke about it. I don't give a fuck. It's a dream that I met you at a Walmart.

Wow. That is, I'm pretty sure that was MLK's original speech. I had a dream that I met you in a Walmart. What was I doing in this Walmart? I love it. I love that only my fantasy version is there ever. It was crazy, man. I was shopping and shit.

And I said, hey man, I'm going to do Kill Tony. He was like, okay, well go for it then. That was me. That's what I would have said. That's a very realistic dream. Wow. You know what, man? I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday also.

Yeah, let's go. Thank you. Thank you. Are you in town on Wednesday night? Huh? Are you in town on Wednesday night? I'm going to be just doing live. I don't have a show, but you want to hang out?

Yeah. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh my God. He's going to hang out with his first Puerto Rican. She's going to teach him how to swim, everybody. Oh shit.

Woo. That is impossible. I can't do it. Two types of people in this world. People who swim and people who sink. And I'm a sinking son of a bitch. Why? You look like you float.

I look like I should float, but I'm dense than a motherfucker. Oh my goodness. Yes, ma'am. Ellis, I absolutely fucking love your energy. And I appreciate you, boss. Will you keep coming back here to Kill Tony? Sign up again. You're very, very, you're very close to becoming a big part of the show.

If you're here in Austin. I appreciate you, man. Unbelievable energy. Take one of these big joke books as well. Here you go. This guy literally living his dreams. One second, he's at Walmart talking to me. He wakes up, realizes he has to drive Lyft that day.

And then boom, he comes up, absolutely kills it. Gets booked on a show. Gets booked on a date with Kim Congden. He's going to get fucked, too. Sarah and I actually just want him to open for us at the creek in the cave, but... Oh, there you go. Well, you guys also... Wait, what?

You have to keep... You have to move. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. We have a special treat, everybody. This young lady, Kill Tony legend of the game. Turns out she's in town two weeks in a row. Very special treat for you.

Kill Tony legend. We found her out of the bucket. It's the one and only Nicole Tran, everyone. Here we go. A new minute from Kill Tony icon, Nicole Tran. I'm from Vietnam. Please excuse me the way I speak. There's some letters in the English language that I cannot pronounce.

I could tell you which one they are, but I cannot pronounce them. When I was a kid, we played ding dong ditch. We did not have doorbell. We just ditched our friend ding dong. Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. This is what happens when you bought things as garacels. I have a porcelain wind chime. Sounds like classical music.

My neighbor has a metal wind chime. It sounds like roll call back in my high school. When I was a kid. My family and I always had picnic at the beach. The seagulls were annoying, but so tasty. Wow, Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen, I believe she... If I don't stop her, I'm pretty sure she'll just go all night. Incredible.

I wrote down some of my favorite jokes here. The seagulls were annoying. I love that one. And I love the ding dong joke. I don't think I'm allowed to say his name anymore, but that was amazing. I wear loose flowers to cover my muffin top. But nothing I can do to cover my muffin bottom. Oh my God, you're adorable.

For those of you who don't know, Nicole is 134 years old. This is how... I wear both things as garacels, man. I'm pretty sure she's the current leader of North Korea. She's got a great sense of humor, though. She's letting her brother be the figurehead right now. Nicole, how's your stay been? You've been in Texas a whole week now.

You extended your stay. What's going on? I'm extending the stay just to make you all laugh. Look at me. I wear the $10 dress. $0.99 sense, priceless. $2 necklace. $1 shoe, garacels. Just to make you really cool with me and laugh at me.

Oh my goodness. Dude, she's the best. Your name should be Yoko Oyes. Oh yeah. Yeah. I love it. Yoko. Hell yeah.

Yoko Oyes. Very good, yes. Say it just like that. We need subtitles. Not my laughing logo, man. Yoko Oyes. Hell yeah, Nicole. You nailed it.

So tell us, what else you've been doing this week while in town? What have you been doing? What Texas stuff have you done? Go to a rodeo or perhaps an HEB or anything like that? Oh, I went to eat. You went to eat? I went to eat at the restaurant. At the restaurant.

Name. Park Park. Oh shit. That's exactly what I ordered. Park Park. Wait. And a glass of moo. Jesus.

Wow. Christ, this is either an Asian woman or a Down syndrome boy on mushrooms. Not exactly sure what's happening right now. Your commentary is hilarious. It could be anything. I'm trying to keep up. You went to Bok Bok? Is that the name of an actual place?

Yeah. Their specialty is falafel. I tried one. They were right. I feel awful. Oh my God. Nicole, you're out of control. You're out of control.

She gets all of her jokes out of the insides of fortune cookies. It was really good at first. Then she turned into slobby Lee. Oh no. Oh no. I love it. Nicole, I mean, you're on two weeks in a row. Is there anything else crazy we should know about?

You're going back to the San Francisco Bay area, correct? Yeah. Right after the shows, man. Hell yeah. Are you flying jet yellow? What airline are you? Oh, shut up. Shut the fuck up.

I don't know what you're talking about, man. I fly out Delta, man. Okay. I don't even know how to do anything with coronavirus. Absolutely. Did you hit somebody's DMT pen before coming up here? Why DMT? Someone give you ketamine.

That's what they do here in Texas. Have you done ketamine before? No. Okay. She's in a K-town hole. Hey. Rosa Battle royalty. Kim Kong.

Good to see you, everybody. Nicole, so much fun. You're on two weeks in a row. Come visit us again soon, okay? Wait, what? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Wait, it's never over. What? I have a song. You want to do a song? Okay. How many of you want to hear Nicole Tran do a song? All right.

Here it is, everybody. You may have heard it before. It's a little song called Soul Man. No, I'm kidding. No, I'm kidding. All my exes live in Texas. Okay. Here she is.

Ladies and gentlemen, Nicole Tran, everybody. Everything costing less in Austin. Bang, bang, bang, bang. I got a room for $27.95. Bang, bang, bang, bang. They got the container breakfast. Bang, bang, bang. I ate so much waffle.

I thought I would die. Bang, bang, bang. I ate so much waffle. I thought I would die. All right. There you go. That's the song that plays before in between red light, green light. I ate so much waffle.

And then she turns around and you have to stop where you're at. I thought I would die. Now I know what I'm going to see on my nightmares tonight. So that's exciting. It's just Nicole Tran over my bed. At Walmart. I ate so much. You are absolutely adorable, Nicole.

Thank you so much for being such an amazing, amazing part of Kill Tony. All different shapes and sizes of people here on this show. Nicole's got to go back to the bay. Nicole, put the microphone back in the mic stand. You got them. I will be back. You will be back? Yeah.

All right. Will you be back back? Yeah. All right. Nicole Tran, everybody. Drop a blue-eyed Tony, man. Thank you. That's me.

I'm blue-eyed Tony. I love blue-eyed white guys. But you must have two of them. I don't think she's going to walk off. Leave it up to an Asian to run the light. There she goes. What he does? You say?

It is. Nicole, put the fucking mic in the mic stand. What the hell's wrong with you? Okay. Thank you very much for coming to support Light Comedy at the Google. Yeah. They're going to clap. And by the way, I don't have a green card.

So please do not tell anybody that you saw me here tonight. You son of a bitch. You did it again. Nicole Tran, everybody. God damn it. One star after the other here. I spent a lot of time with a lot of people. Can we get one more bucket pool, you think?

We can do it, right? You guys want to do one more? All right. It's a tough act to follow, but we're going to try it anyway. We've had a lot of fucking home runs tonight. Have we had a bucket woman yet? Yeah, we have. We had Isabella Carotta.

All right. Your final comedian out of the bucket. It appears, goes by the name of Tyler Hoferrest. Tyler Hoferrest. Or Ho, or Ho-Forest? Ho-Forest? Tyler. Is there movement back there?

Is someone coming? Somebody moving? Is that Tyler? All right. Here he is, everybody. One more time for Tyler Ho-Forest, everyone. What's going on, Texas? All right.

Abortion. Abortion. It's a pretty hot topic here. I kind of think we need it. Perspective is everything here. We got a 16-year-old girl, West Virginia Appalachian Mountains, smoking two packs of cowboy killers a day, making enough fentanyl to kill Michael K. Williams.

All right. She's getting the sister-fister routine from the old brother. All right. Shit's not looking too good. Okay. If we can do anything, we can abort this baby. I'm telling you, people, I grew up in enough trailer parks. We're not raising the next Elon Musk here.

The world doesn't need any more messed up truck drivers. That's what I got. All right. 56 seconds of Tyler Ho-Forest. Am I saying that right? Ho-Forest? Yeah, La Forest. La Forest?

Is that an L? La Forest? It's French. Yeah, La Forest. Everybody looks at me cross-eyed down here. Why? I don't think the French made their way over here. For the smoking of the meat.

Okay. Yeah. All right. What the fuck? All right. Tyler. Welcome, welcome. Luganville.

I love it. Okay. So where are you from? Michigan. Michigan. You're just visiting right now? No. I actually, about three and a half hours away over in the Panhandle, San Angelo.

Okay. What made you move over there from Michigan? Money, man. I started working in the oil field, actually. I got a GED. Right. I was like... I know.

You're from Michigan. I get it. Trust me. We know. We're from Ohio. We know what that's like. Yeah. Fuck Ohio State.

Aw. How dare you. Aw. How dare you. Little panties. You be careful, dude. I have a new surge gun here with new gel pellets that shoot gel water pellets. Yeah.

Hit me. Hit me with one of those. You want me to? Yeah. Oh, I have to turn it on. Hey. Jesus Christ. Where's the film director of Rust when you need it, right?

Oh, wow. Look at that. That shoots a bunch at once, and then this way. Yeah. You get it. It's so fun. It's the new gel blaster and new gun that I have from the great people over at Surge. You could go to...

What is it? gelblaster.com? Yep. Go to gelblaster.com. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Is it hurt? And it's just water.

It just dissolves. There you go. The gun just breaks, right? On the live podcast. No, I'm kidding. No, red band don't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jesus Christ.

Okie-dokie. So, Tyler, welcome to the show. Tell us about your life. Why are you the way that you are exactly? Your father's a preacher up in Michigan. Your mother's a schoolteacher. Am I correct? My dad went to Jacksonville prison, and I just was...

So I'm pretty close. Believes in religion. Yeah. Yeah. Uh... Deeply religious. Yeah. Super religious.

Right. What's your... What's the deal with your mom? Single mom? Yeah. Single mom raised two kids in the trailer park. What'd your dad go to prison for? Selling firearms out of the back of his trunk.

Wow. And you were raised in a real trailer park? Yeah. And a couple of them. Ok. I'm starting to really like you. Uh... Thank you.

So now you live in an oil field. What do you do for fun out there? Um... Man, I work and then exercise to try not to like... Do drugs. Just get... I do drugs. Uh...

But just try not to get fat as much. What kind of drugs do you do? I'm like a... What do you do like a... Uh... In an average month? Um... Well, I took a trip out to Vegas and took a bunch of MDMAs.

Vegas? Vegas. Hot rooms. That's just... That's just the gay or Vegas? I went to Vegas. What the fuck is that? Are you trying to say Vegas?

Yeah, Vegas. Oh my God. What the fuck? Absolutely not. Wow. You really... They didn't teach you this in GED school? No.

No, man. An alternative school. Oh my God. Wow. They didn't teach me how to properly... What's the capital of California? Oh shit. This is great.

Wait. This is great music. Let's ask them super easy questions. And let's see what this guy actually knows. The band's got it. The band's got it. They got it. No, they got it.

They got it. Let them play it. I like this. Okay. Yeah, that's a good idea. Kim has a good idea. She says to make you spell things. We're going to have you spell the word whisky.

Whisky. The famous drink. W-H-I-S-K-E-Y. Whoa. Very good. Incredible. Red Band wants you to spell Mississippi. Mississippi.

Yeah. M-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. Whoa. Mississippi. Hey. Take a trip to Mississippi. Direct from Foggs. Oh my God.

Oh my God. I love this. Hold on a second. Hold on. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Can you shut the fuck up? What's 9 divided by 3? 9 divided by 3 is 3. Ohhh. It's fun to see what you know and what you don't know. Okay. 9 times 7. 9 times 7?

Yeah. Fuck dude. Welcome to Retarded Jeopardy everybody. That's what it is. What? This is. Oh my god. Sometimes I just think that I'm the biggest genius of all time to have moments like this.

I noticed how stupid you were so fast and look at the fun we're able to have. This is the first ever like reverse trivia that I've ever seen before. Trivia they always have smart people. I like it like this. I like stupid people trivia. We all know the answers. You have to like try your hardest not to fucking yell it. All right.

Do you know anything about the arts at all? Do you know anything about like movies and TV shows? Did you have a, you didn't probably didn't have a very good satellite on your trailer? You could. Yeah. I watch a lot of movies. Really? Okay.

You could trick women into thinking you're really smart. You're conventionally hot enough. Whoa. Women. Don't you think he's like hot? He's pretty good looking, right? Yeah. He's like a good looking.

I'm chill. He says Vegas. Yeah. Yeah. My pussy has never been drier. I want to take you somewhere romantic like Foggas or perhaps we could travel internationally to Kentucky. What the fuck?

Your geography is what really boggles my mind. LA? What? Because of California and not knowing the capital. Did you say LA? Is that your final answer? Do you want to lock that in? Do you want to fucking lock that shit in?

Los Angeles, a big city. It seems like a good bet. Don't steal that. How many of you think you should lock in Los Angeles right now? You guys are assholes. It's fun to, fun for me to get a barometer on how many of you are dicks as well out there. Look at all you people going wild. You want to lock it in LA, final answer, capital of California?

Most people all clapped. I'm kidding. There's some, there's some people screaming no from the back of the room. They don't want you to go down this road. The crowd saying no, Tony. All right. So you're going to say no. All right.

You want to give it a second guess? Definitely not. No. I'm just a stupid truck driver. Can you name a second city in California? Sacramento. I never give up. I never give up.

All right. Here we go. How many continents can you name? Final question. We're going to do continent naming. Here we go. Come on. Give me a little something.

He's going to rattle them off. If you get, if you get, if you name every continent right now, I will give you $100 cash. Okay. I will. Asia. Okay. Africa. All right.

North America. South America. Antarctica. Hey. You guys. Shut the fuck up. Come on. We'll give you some time here.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. So we have enough time here. It's harder to think up here. Okay.

Don't judge me. This is the guy that fucking went cross-eyed when I asked him nine to seven. Hey, there's one remaining for those of you. The fuck is the last one? For those of you that don't know. It's a big one. Someone just yelled oysters from the audience. Just to show you the median education level of Kill Tony fans.

Someone yelled an appetizer, everybody. Antarctica, North America, South America. Australia? Wow. Wow. What can I say? You're a fucking genius. How old are you, Tyler?

29. 29 years old. It took him eight and a half minutes to name the continents, everybody. Tyler, we love you, man. You're very charismatic guys. Is this your first time doing stand-up? First time. Wow, I love it.

Look, dude, I don't think you can do anything else. So work out in the oil field. Come visit us again. Sign up again for the show, okay? There goes Tyler, everybody. And you know what? Come here. Since you're a smart boy, I'm going to give you a big joke book.

There you go. This boy knows his continents. Don't let him leave the tip if you go out with him. Not really good at math. There's only one way to end a show like this. There's only one thing in the world that can follow that. As I said earlier, Camyn Wineshank, absolute courageous warriors for writing a new minute every single week at the very beginning of their careers.

This young man you're about to see right now has been a regular longer than anybody has ever been a regular in the history of the show. We've watched him run the gambit from being a relatively unknown comedian from Memphis, Tennessee to currently opening for Joe Rogan and Tony Hinchcliffe and other great comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, headlining his own shows now. Doing his own stuff. A monster.

The only man that could close this show. It's the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Wow, here he is. Live in the flesh. The real deal. The vanilla gorilla. Bang, bang, bang. That's what Nicole Trayn and I were doing in her hotel room last night.

At this point, I'm not sure if Wes Anderson is making new films. Pretty sure he's just splicing together deleted scenes. And also, Wes Anderson, can I be in one of those deleted scenes? What does it take? I look interesting. I can dress funky and listen to the kinks in the velvet underground and be casually racist. It can't be that hard.

Just have me say something neurotic and pseudo-intellectual. And god damn it, Wes Anderson, I'm right here. I caused 8% of Adrien Brody... God damn it, I screwed that part up. I caused 8% of Adrien... Oh, man. Adrien Brody's salary. Let me on a deleted scene.

I'm in love with my sister and played tennis and sliced my wrists. I'll make documentary films in the ocean. I ride a train and work at a hotel and can be Claymation Fox. I don't give a shit. Man, y'all really don't know who Wes Anderson is. This was a fucking... Wow. Horrible nightmare.

Oh my god. But on a serious note, did they ever find that plane from Lost? Wow. Wow, this is an interesting one. Really committed to the Wes Anderson thing tonight. I did. I was gambling on the fact that these fucking people knew who that was. If you knew who that was, it was hilarious.

So I don't really know what happened here tonight. Now, Wes Anderson doesn't really fly in Texas, dude. They block that shit here. This is more of a Robert Rodriguez territory. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that was a bad mistake. I want to apologize to y'all. It was a bad choice on my part.

It will never happen again, so... Is this what happened? I'm guessing this week you saw the new Wes Anderson movie and decided to really go down this rabbit hole? Thought I would go down the fucking rabbit hole and it turned into a bad mistake. There's a fruit fly right in front of your face right now. I am just trying not to look at it.

It's scaring me to death. It's right in front of my face. It's really... It is fucking scaring me to death. It might be a new camera Wes Anderson's trying to use. I mean, what am I supposed to do? That thing was right in my face. It thinks you're a clementine.

It really likes you. It's really close to you. I know, that's funny. I do want to thank... Did you eat some fruit today? No, I actually ate some Chick-fil-A. I want to thank innate F. He brought me two Chick-fil-A sandwiches.

You didn't see earlier the guy that talked about Chick-fil-A? Okie-dokie. You wanted to thank somebody? I want to thank innate F. He brought me two sandwiches, hold the pickles. Oh yeah, we found out last week famously that William does not like pickles. The crowd went into a frenzy booing him.

We've never seen a thing before, but that type of energy towards William. But it turns out people are pro-pickles here. They are, yeah. It didn't have the pickles, and it's a damn good fucking thing. It didn't have the pickles, because I hate those fucking things.

Oh wow, look at this audience. Strangely, also anti-pickles. Yeah, I mean, what's the fucking deal with pickles? I hate those fucking things. My goodness, wow. Look at this, maybe you should have done your Wes Anderson jokes last week and the pickles material this week.

Yeah, I mean, seriously, what's the deal with fucking pickles? They're awful. They taste weird. Tell us more about your hatred for pickles. I don't know, I think it was since I was a little boy. I was forced to drink pickle juice. Is that true? Who forced you to do that? The guy named Emmy who used to clean up our yard.

Named what? He drank pickle juice all the time, and I started drinking it with him, and... Wow. He pulled it out of his pants, he was like, yeah, this is pickle juice. Yeah, I was sucking Emmy's dick, you're right. It's gonna be a little salty and sour,

and it's pickle juice. Yeah, I was sucking Emmy's dick. You figured it out. God. You figured that one out. Wow. I used to suck a guy's dick. You fucking found me out.

Tell us more. I used to love it! I don't know how many of you suck dick, but it's great! I had to stop! Yeah, I stopped like five years ago, I had to stop. You stopped sucking people's penises. Yeah, I was really getting in the way of my relationship.

Yeah, it got really weird for some reason, but yeah, I couldn't stop sucking people's dick that I was meeting online, I was meeting them on Craigslist, and was in a real healthy, happy relationship, and once that was found out, it was kind of a nightmare I got broken up with. Do you have any special techniques that you use while giving a blowjob?

I can't imagine what getting a blowjob from a manly man like yourself is like. Even Demadness is bothered by this. And he doesn't even know what you look like, he just knows what you sound like. You look like it gave up. My God. Gross battle boss, Kim Congdon, in the house.

No, but Demadness, I'm a very fit, white, red-headed... William, William, don't go near him, don't go near him. Super fit. Did you have any special techniques while giving blowjobs? I'm interested to know if you get the... I mainly just put my hands behind my back. Oh, look at that! That's why they call that the William Montgomery.

That is. You put your hands behind your back. It's called the William Montgomery. Y'all remember that one. Do you lock your hands behind your back? Or do you do sort of like a Houdini straightjacket style? I would put handcuffs on. Wow! You would put them on yourself.

Yes, yes. And then how would you get out of them? Sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes I wouldn't. I was at a fucking Red Roof Inn in Phoenix, Arizona. And I was literally trapped in the fucking Red Roof Inn in Arizona for, I don't know, 36 hours. I couldn't fucking get out, I was starving.

What'd you end up doing? I eventually got out, a lady came to clean up the room, and I was in there naked, handcuffed, very emaciated looking. Wait, you get naked for the blowjobs that you give? Yeah, you have to. Wait, what do you mean you have to? I mean, you have to. Those were always the rules I was going by. Would you sometimes give these blowjobs with your butthole?

I don't know what you're getting at with that question. Would you sometimes use things other than your mouth to pleasure another man? Why are you shaking your fucking head, yes, Red Band? Why the fuck are you doing that? It does. Red Band seems to... Yeah, he's seen it. Shut the fuck up. You have seen it one time. Shut the fuck up, Red Band.

Seriously, shut up. I've been having a good time tonight, and you're about to fuck it, so you have seen it. Shut the fuck up. You're being mean. This is like Louis C.K. defending himself. Boom. You gotta fucking stop that.

Boom. Grand Slam's over here. Kim Cong. William, do you like cucumbers? Do what? Why do you ask that? Why do you ask that? You don't like pickles.

What a dumb-ass question. Why'd you just fucking ask me that? William, you're such a legend. It's incredible how quickly you can improvise and bring energy. Meanwhile, you went with that weird Wes Anderson set tonight. It's crazy. You can literally make anything funny, and you're like, this is what's going on the paper. I made a fucking mistake.

I made a fucking mistake. I already apologized to y'all about it. I already said I'm sorry. How many fucking times do I have to say I'm sorry? How many times? Seriously, how many times do I have to fucking say I'm sorry? Maybe if you scream at it, it'll get through. How many fucking times?

Do I have to say I'm sorry? How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? Ladies and gentlemen, that's William Montgomery, and that's another episode of Kill Tony. We did it again. Brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. The drawing is in. From Ryan J. E. Belts,

all the way in Los Angeles. He just drew tonight's episode featuring... How about one more time for the great Kim Congdon and Sarah Wineshank, everybody? Go download. Rate, review, subscribe. It's Thicky, Kimmy, and Shank. T-H-I-C-C-Y.

K-I-M-M-Y. And S-H-E-N-K. Listen to broad topics. They're co-headlining with each other Wednesday at the creek in the cave. Thank you so much. How about one more time for the band, everybody? The Kill Tony After Party begins now featuring

Nether Hour and a bunch of other special treats. So stick around, have fun, enjoy yourselves. Red Band. See you guys later. Thanks, everybody. Good night!