KILL TONY - #532 - RON WHITE

Episode Date: November 19, 2021

Ron White, William Montgomery, Matthew Muehling, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/08/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Mack Weldon ��� For 20% off your first order, visit WWW.MACKWELDON.COM/TONY and promo code “TONY” for 20% off! Mack Weldon — get it right this holiday season.—Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shop Squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at Shop Squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Come on, this is a live podcast. There's people around the world listening to this. So you guys ready to have some fucking fun tonight?

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But if you are a fan of Kratom, then it's time to stop overpaying or having to go to corner stores or creepy gas stations to get it. One more time, thank you to Yo Kratom for supporting the show and if you're into Kratom, Yo Kratom is the one place where you can find $60 kilos. These guys are one of the biggest Kratom wholesalers and they created YoKratom.com so that you can buy directly at incredible prices. So go get those incredible prices if you're into Kratom. It's YoKratom.com, home of the $60 kilo. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Huh? Alright, look. Sometimes we have two comedian guests on the show, sometimes we've even in the past we've had three, you know what it, you know what this chaos is. Tonight I like this fucking one guest, Texas gentleman, literally one of the greatest comedians of all time. You know him, you love him, from everything, the blue collar comedy tour, everything. It's the great and powerful Ron White, everyone.

Wow. Oh shit. One of the best to ever do it. Austin's own Ron White. This is the man that convinced me to move to Texas in November of the year 2020 and here we are. He was selling me on it a year ago today and here we are, almost a one year anniversary of me living here with my pal, the great Ron White is here, everybody. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. It has been a year, hasn't it? That's very cool. Crazy, right? We had all taken a long break from stand up, the pandemic shut us all down and I came in town to do a show and I could not... It was right here at Vulcan Gas Company that one night stand up show that I did and you and Joe Rogan opened for me that night and it was so fucking cool and you hadn't done stand up in eight months and he hadn't done stand up since moving to Austin and... It was fucking awkward, man.

It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. People falling over the balconies. It was chaos. And it happened here at Vulcan where I couldn't believe that a dirty little electronic dance club could ever become a comedy fucking hub. But here we are and everything's just normal now. Ron, we're gonna have fun. You guys all know what it is. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to do 60 Seconds Uninterrupted on this stage. You guys know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or they're gonna bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. That's a big trouble. That's what that sounds like when that happens. Yeah, and then we talk to them afterwards about their set and their life and whatever else might be interesting about them.

Anything can happen. A lot of wild people sign up for this show. It's fucking crazy. Are you guys ready to start this thing or what? Great. Let's do it. But before I go to that bucket, what do you guys think? Should we start with a regular here tonight? Huh? Someone you guys know and love already? Every single week there's a couple guys that perform a brand new minute, which is very, very, very hard to do. If your favorite comedian writes a new minute every week, that's basically an hour special a fucking year.

Not an easy thing to do. These guys are always in high pressure situations here and they always follow through. This guy was made a regular here in Texas, kicking off tonight's show. This is a brand new minute by the one and only Hans Kim, everywhere. Yeah. Thank you guys. So the Travis Scott concert happened and a bunch of people got trapped at a trap concert. If only they could have seen that coming. It was a very terrible tragedy, but they also set a world record for the most supreme shirts ironed at the same time.

It's the only tragedy you can commemorate with a face tattoo. I'm single. I, uh, it's hard to online date because you need to have like a bumble, a tinder, a hinge. It's like I have to start a small PR firm just to get laid nowadays. It's like, here's my press packet. Someone touched my dick already. All right, thank you guys. Hans Kim.

With exactly one minute of stand up comedy, doing it every week out here. Love the Travis Scott shit. Love the dating stuff. How you doing Hans? I'm doing amazing. Why so? You seem extra happy tonight. The drugs helped.

What drugs are you on? I'm coming. You never tell when Asians are on drugs. They're very good. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if these are stereotypes I'm saying up here. I don't want to get in trouble, but...

We have the perfect eyes for drug addiction. That is true. If I eat too many mushrooms, you are what I look like. I love it. So what drugs are you on right now? Just a tad bit of marijuana, but I'm coming off of acid from a little Skankfest action this weekend. I love it. Skankfest was a wild success, if anybody's wondering.

We are just all getting back from a four day fucking insane. We did a bunch of Kill Tony tapings. What else did you do for fun? What else did you love about Skankfest? I went to Joel Osteen's church. Get the fuck out of here. Did you really? It was on the way to Rage and Cajun, and we were like, hey, look at this thing over there.

So what happened? What was that like? Well, luckily their doors were open because there wasn't a hurricane in town. I literally don't know this reference that just got that big of a laugh, and I'm super confused. I didn't get this in my daily reports of what to make jokes about. Joel Osteen closed his doors when there was a hurricane. Yeah, he didn't want anyone in there to ruin the place. He said that they had just cleaned the carpets.

That's what he fucking said, right? He said, no, he just cleaned the carpets. All those people are floating around outside, and he ran them off. And then this guy that owns a big mattress store let them all come in, and they slept at his place. Now he can't sell enough back of mattresses, and this guy's still the biggest goddamn thing in Jesus. That is absolutely amazing. Incredible. So Hans, you're talking about being single up there during your set.

Is that true again? You are single. Is that correct? Yes, I'm very single. I hope you don't mind that I divulge the information that I'm about to put out there. But Hans, in the amazing work that he's done in the few short months that he's been here, has climbed up to the position of opening a lot of these Joe Rogan shows that happen here in town, and here at Vulcan, in fact.

And that means he's going up before me or Shane. Like last week, Shane Gillis, Ari Shafir, Mark Norm, and all these people were in town. Ron's on a lot of those shows, and Hans goes up first. Anyway, last week, one of these shows happened, and Hans decided to match with someone on Tinder and invite them on their first ever date to literally that green room with me, Ron White, and Joe Rogan. If you're wondering, you might be thinking, wow, the comedian's that big. I bet the green room is huge, and it simply is not. There's about enough room for those people that I just named in that green room.

And one of them is just this. How would you describe her, Hans? She's a very beautiful, artistic... Is she here right now? Yes. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. She's got big, beautiful eyes. Oh yeah.

That's one way of putting it. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Especially when they're looking opposite directions from one another. No, I'm kidding. She's not. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm just...

I'm making jokes. You don't look like that. Ha-ha-ha. But you do contrast each other well when it comes to your eyes. Ha-ha-ha. I wouldn't describe yours as a... Hey, look at that. Oh, that's pretty good.

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha. So how did that date end up going for you? You literally match with a girl on Tinder. She takes a chance, right? I mean, you have pictures of you up there, so she's probably just looking for a hot meal or something like that. And then next thing you know, she's in a green room with some of the great comedians of the world.

So you're imagining you must have gotten laid that night, am I correct? Nope. Oh, fuck, really? Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. You fumbled the bumble.

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, really fucked it up. How does this happen? How do you not close after that type of first impression with a girl? I think I'm just really respectful, you know? I just do whatever the lady wants. You know, I'm just happy to, you know, have her in my van.

Now, when she's in your van, some of you might not know, Hans, lives in his van. There's like a mattress in the back, right? Yes. And so what happens? You take her back to your van, you guys like sitting, laying, like how does that even go? Ooh. You guys sit in the, you guys pretend like the front and passenger seats, like the living room and that's the bedroom back there.

Yeah, you just want to sit and talk for a little bit, until you end up having to fall backwards into the bedroom. It's the bathroom and the kitchen are the same room. Ha-ha-ha. I think that we just went in the back. They're both outside of the van, I do believe. All right. And then she fell asleep, I think.

And then I don't really remember. I don't really remember. Actually, she's been in my van twice now and we just sort of cuddle and kiss. Ooh, it's getting van wilder and wilder. Twice. Look out, everybody. I love it. So, all right.

Well, Hans, what do you think, Red Van? Ha-ha-ha. Why have you not been wearing your glasses lately? Oh, I don't like the, like the glasses are kind of like a thing on my face and I like... I think it's magnifying how fucked up you are and you think we think you're less fucked up because you don't have your glasses on. I don't know why I asked you about your opinion on this. I don't know what made me do a second.

I did it. I'm like, why did I do that? Now I'm really like, why did I do that? Hans, you're amazing. You did it again. Another brand new minute. I love everything. I'd reword the trap thing.

I think for the first time ever, I'm going to give you a note here because I love the joke so much. I think you should hide that trap music thing a little bit better. It should come like at the end. Start it off as a rap concert, end it up a trap concert or something like that. You know, hide that big. Your premise is so good that you're like teeing it off a little bit. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

Thank you. You're a killer. Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you. Hey, look at this. Well, we found a bottle of delicious number one tequila for those of you that don't know. It's the best fucking tequila in the world. The tequila that I drink when I'm at home drinking tequila.

You should too. It's available at all your favorite retail stores and whatnot, liquor outlets. And founded by the great Ron White. I don't know if I mentioned that. Our guest tonight, number one tequila. It's his tequila. All right. Let's get a name out of this bucket.

You guys ready to really start the wild shit that could happen here? A lot of fun lately. Let's see what happens here. Kicking off tonight's bucket. Your first uninterrupted 60 seconds by, we have no idea who goes by the name of Clemente Valegas, everybody. That's the name. Clemente Valegas.

One more time for Clemente, everybody. Come on. I feel like dating now is harder than it's ever been. You know, because women want a guy who would take their breath away. And I'm tired of choking these hoes. It's really, it's too much, like too much true crime, ladies. Like you really, you got to choke a bitch just to get a second date, you know? People are like, why'd y'all stop talking?

She chewed through the duct tape. No, I had a girl ask me to tease her with a knife in bed. Terrifying, right? Like I can't have a knife out while my dick's also out, you know? I might fall and re-circumcise myself. Then I can't get into Jewish heaven. If you guys aren't familiar with Jewish heaven, it's all like Christian heaven, except in Jewish heaven there's no foreskin and Jesus isn't allowed.

And there's this weird entry fee. If you guys aren't familiar, if you guys aren't familiar with Christian heaven, it's all like Muslim heaven, except in Muslim heaven there's just more explosions. That's a joke, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Muslims don't go to heaven. Okay, thank you very much. It's a minute from Clemente Velagas. Really saving it there at the end with the Muslims don't go to heaven line.

Really pulling it all together. Hey, don't Clemente, have you been on the show before? Yeah, I've been on once. Okay, what happened that time? What happened with you? What was the highlights of your interview part? What did we find out about you? My interview kind of sucked.

I'm from Amarillo, so Ron's from West Texas. That's pretty cool. Also, I think you're from Amarillo, right? All right, Cap, all right, fucking Carmen San Diego. Enough about where everybody's from. My bad, my bad. What else about you? What did we find out other than the location that you were born?

Man, I do believe Tony's from Youngstown, Ohio. We're a red band from Columbus. Not far from one another, just like all of us. I mentioned having a brain tumor. There we go. Yeah, I mentioned that. There you go. Lots of people from Amarillo, not a lot of people with brain tumors up here.

My girlfriend's black. That's awesome. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh my goodness. Look at that. Was that the tumor? Why did they get that reaction?

Look, look, look. Let me backtrack here. I never explain a joke, but I don't know if you guys saw. What's the movie with Gabriel, guys? What's that called? What's that movie? Malignant. Yeah, Malignant.

How many of you have seen Malignant, Donna? There's a lot of handraisers on that one. Nobody wants to make noise to me. Anyway, Netflix. All right. You know what? Fuck it. I'm not going to explain it.

It's a movie about a tumor that comes to life and it's black. So fuck you guys. That sounds like an awesome movie. Fuck you guys for groaning at my thing. That was a wrap. I know I didn't know the Joel Osteen church thing. But trust me, I know my references. That's a real movie.

It's unbelievable. Oh my God. You have to watch it. It's horrible. And but it's actually now that I've given away the entire twist, it would be the worst movie of all time. Does he sound black? No.

I'm not saying anything else. No, the tumor doesn't sound black. That would have been better. That's good. No, it doesn't sound black. All right. Clemente, what do you do for work? I work at a bank.

Oh, what do you do at the bank? I just like open up account. It's actually like a new bank. So I kind of just like sit there and play games on the computer. All right. All right. Play games on the computer. Nobody walks in.

Damn. What's your love life like Clemente? Oh, well, I'm in a two year relationship. You have a black girlfriend. Yeah. Where'd you meet her at? Back in my hometown. We moved here together.

Amarillo, Texas. I remember. Yes. Yeah. That's rare. That's like a Pikachu or something. Yeah. That's true.

That is true. A lot of songs about Amarillo. Not about finding your black girlfriend there. That's for sure. I love it. So you're in Amarillo. You're at a bar, restaurant, work together. Oh, interesting story.

There you go. We met through. She actually hooked up with my roommate on a Tinder date. And then we like met up like five years later. It's not that interesting now to say it out loud. Five years later. Mutual friends. Did you remember her from five years before?

Yeah. Oh, okay. They brought you along on their Tinder date? No. She just like showed up at our apartment. It was not less of a date, more of like a, you know. Was your friend actually banging her or were they just like, were they in the Hans Kim situation? I like to believe they just cuddled.

Oh, okay. What? Is there anything that you've been with white women before, right? Yeah. Is there anything different that you notice having sex with a black woman that's different than a white woman? Well, most white women like just don't have ass. That's more, okay.

That's more of like a, that's more of like a physical thing. I'm talking about like in the bedroom, in the act of making love. Is there something different you notice that about a black woman than a white woman? This is a really loaded question, dude. Your attorney, Ron White, has saved you on this one. You don't have to answer that. You really don't. Ron, okay.

The judge, the jury and the executioner, the great Ron White. Clemente, I love it. How long have you been on stand up? Four years. Four years. Wow. Look at that. All right.

Where do you do stand up besides here? Do you go to, is this the only thing you do? Or do you go to comedy clubs and do open magnets? Oh yeah. Just like every night a week, like there's creaking cave and several other places. Okay. I know I've seen you out there a little bit. Oh, cool.

You know what, I really think that you got to cut some of this edge off because it just doesn't come off as real. You don't seem like that mean a guy. So either learn how to act meaner when you get up here, come off as holy as in itself this darker stuff. It just doesn't sound like you're being true to your nature to me. I don't know if that's true or not. But it seems like you're not that person and you're trying to be that person on stage.

And I don't, you know, I think it'd be more interesting if you're just who you are. Oh, thank you. Honest advice. I was going to say, you seem like a very, very like nice, well mannered guy. Am I, are we right in this assumption or are you just appearing that way? I'm pretty nice. Yeah. I'm a nice guy.

What's like a wild thing about you? Is there anything wild or mean or anything like sort of like bad boy about you? He's a banker with a fucking tumor, dude. No. Bad boy. I know. I mean, I do acid sometimes. Was that bad?

No, even Hans Hwang does that. Jesus. That's nothing. What do you do when you're on acid? I like to like go to like park parks and like see nature. It's like hang out. Oh, all right. Fucking real fucking.

I went to a concert. Concerts? Yeah. What's your favorite concert you've ever been to? I just went to a team in Paula. They're like a psychedelic rock band. Nice. All right.

Look at you. This is fucking bank tellers out there tripping their balls off at fucking concerts. Good to know you're counting the money. Yeah. We got machines for that. Yeah. Everything about the every year. I mean, I can't, I can't imagine working at a bank because I think that my mind would

always be about how do I sneak a fucking bag of this money out of here? Right. Isn't it crazy being surrounded by money and, you know, you probably make a decent wage, but I mean, you're not what you could make if you just left with the money. Yeah. But I mean, they, they'll find me, you know, is it ever tempting though? It seems like it would be constant temptations. Yeah.

I mean, I've thought about it, but, you know, but I'd like to object right here. You don't have to answer that question. You have a good attorney, sir. Continue. Continue. Ladies and gentlemen, that was our first bucket pool. Clemente Vilegas, everybody. We're going back to this bucket.

Hey, Clemente, here you go. Have a joke book about it. I like your style. It's a good guy. Bones Eye. The great Bones Eye. Follow him on Instagram. B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E.

Okay. Wordna or Wordena, perhaps. Wordna. W-E-R-D-N-A. Wordna. That's an interesting one. Here we go. Oh, here he comes.

Everybody make some noise for Wordna, everyone. Now... What's up, everybody? So I really started watching Harry Potter. Whoo! And, yeah. It's actually pretty interesting and I started thinking, why isn't this a religion?

It has everything, the basics, right? Cold following, plenty of literature. It's fake as fuck. Now I'm not saying that everything about religion is bad because it teaches women to keep their purity, practice anal sex, and that makes a good wife, right? But at the same time,

religion also tells that young boys that they're going to get involuntary anal sex and that leads to them believing in shit like QAnon and that kind of sucks, you know? And I'm not saying that QAnon is like, you know, they're not all molested or anything, but they're pretty retarded as fuck. Jesus Christ.

Alright, word now, everybody. This is wild. Look at this guy. I love it. Or girl, I'm not sure what the fuck this is exactly. This looks like if someone put Rosie O'Donnell in the microwave. Word now, am I saying that right? Is that your name?

Word now? No, my name is Andrew, actually. Word now is backwards. So, okay. Wow, that's so gay. Jesus Christ. Yeah. With an H?

I love it. Word now, welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Is that your first time right there? Wow, it's first time, everybody. Thank you. Congratulations. And how old are you?

I'm 31, I just turned 31 and I'm Halloween. 31? It's something you've always wanted to do or thought about? No, I just wanted to challenge myself and see what it's all about. Okay, how does it feel now that you've done it? It feels great, I guess, I don't know. You don't know? It feels great, you don't know?

I remember the first time I did stand-up and I was scared as fuck. So, if that was really the first time you ever walked on stage, yeah, it was bad. Yes, it was. But the best thing about it is that I will have already forgotten it in 20 fucking minutes because I'm coming on to an edible. But it takes guts to get up there and do it and you stare them down and you try to keep your pace, you know, know the material a little bit better and I think that the next time you do this, you'll be a little better and that might end up being something really fun for you.

Cool, thank you, thank you. I love it. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? What do you do for work? For work, I actually work for Costco. I'm an inventory entrepreneur. Oh, a what? An inventory checker guy?

Yeah, inventory order. You're the guy that checks the receipts on the way out? No, I work at the, not that one. I work at the distribution center, so it's like all the stuff that we get for returns. Are you on forklifts a lot? No, not that often. Sometimes. Sometimes?

Yeah. Wow. All right. What else? What do you do for fun? You seem like you have some hobbies? For fun, I just hang out with my girlfriend, just chill. She's some graffiti, some bike riding.

That's it. Graffiti and bike riding. Yeah. Oh, wow. Geez, little ways. You know, Costco backwards is Costco. I didn't know that. Yeah.

That's pretty fucking cool though. Yeah. It's not. It's not at all. It's not at all that. It's not cool and it's not true and it didn't, it's not exactly where that should have been placed. It's actually not true.

In the talks about Costco. There's going to see you and see you. No. That's bullshit. Yeah, actually, yeah. So you have a girlfriend. Tell us about this. Met her at Costco?

No. Met her in high school. Okay. Yeah. Wow. You've been together for a while, huh? Long time, actually. 60 years to today.

16 years. That's incredible. Wow. That's more than half your life. Yeah, actually. Wow. Have you ever been with another girl other than this girl? No.

My goodness. That's incredible. You want to try one tonight? While you're doing all these things for the first time, you ever think about the ultimate? No, I'm okay. All right. That's interesting. You think she's ever been with anybody else?

Yes. I don't know, actually, but that's... What is she doing right now? Chilling at the bar, actually. Chilling at the bar. With who? There we go. Did you hear that?

We actually... That's the sound of them who she's hanging out with right now. I believe that's one of the Migos, my friend. No, I love it. What does she do? She makes press on nails. She has no business. Wow.

Okay. People really... According to a lot of people, that's the funniest part of your entire act. Is that... All right. All right. Okay. That's enough.

That's these press on nails music, everybody. Never get to use it. Word no. All right. Word no. Well, it's your first time doing this. What else have you done that you've been experimenting with? Seems like you're knocking things off of a bucket list.

Are there other things in life you're looking forward to doing for the first time? Well, I actually just flew to Austin for the first time. You flew to... This was your first time on an airplane? Yes. Wow. At 31 years old. Holy shit.

Where the fuck are you from? I'm from Riverside, California. Hell yeah. A lot of west coasts out here represent. I'm a Texan now, so you guys can all go fuck yourselves. But there was a time for me in California. Riverside, for those of you that don't know, is the top right corner of the Grand Theft Auto map.

Pure white trash. Meth heads everywhere. People on ATVs getting DUIs and fucking... So it's real trash up there. Yeah, a little bit. Incredible. What's one of the white trashiest things you've ever seen? You've spent your whole life there?

Is that right? No, actually no. Well, very few people moved to Riverside. Yeah. I just assumed... White trash you think? I don't know, actually. I mean, this is the type of place where you'll see someone do a drive-by on a can of Mountain

Dew. It's like a special kind of trash. All right. All right, word now. I don't know what else to do with you, dude. You got your first time ever on stage here tonight. You're going to get a little jokebook for the whole thing. All right, cool.

From the Great Bones Eye. Thank you. Take that back with you. What airlines do you fly? Spirit? American. The only airline worse than Spirit. I hate fucking American.

You guys ready for your next bucket pool? Let's see what happens here. I have a good feeling about this. Make some noise for Cousin Burto. Cousin Burto. That's a cool name. It's probably his maiden name. You guys having fun out here?

What's going on out there, Austin Texas? You guys with us tonight? Here he is. Cousin Burto. Whoa, whoa. This is badass, dude. I am Cousin Burto and I just wanted to let you guys know that... Can I get personal with you guys?

Can I be personal? All right. I recently just found out that choking during sex is a turn on for me. It's a turn off for me, dude. I don't know why, but it's a quick... It's a turn off for me. My throat is sore, but I think I'll be fine. No, listen.

I just kind of laugh about shit. I laugh about shit. I know, I know. But I just got a new job, actually. It's with the staffing agency. So they call me right and they're like, hey, we have a new job and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, okay, what is it?

And as a gay male, this was my dream job ever since I was a little girl. And so she's like... And she's like, you know, well, you're going to be polishing pipes. I'm like, holy shit. Polishing pipes, dude. I'm like, okay, well, what time do I need to be there? Seven. I'll be there at 6.30, god damn.

It's overtime mandatory. And she's like, well, how many years do you have any experience doing this? I'm like, well, I'm 47. I'm 47 after the two experience. Cousin Burto. Thank you. This is time, everybody. Cousin, welcome to the show.

I'm going to interview you now. You can keep that microphone. That's right. Welcome. This is your first time on. I'd remember you. I've never seen you before. You're like a gay Mario canton.

An incredibly straight looking gay man. This is very rarely. I mean, you are just... Yeah, you are. Look at you. It's funny that your first name is Cousin because I bet your family doesn't talk to you. I love it. Keep it up.

Keep them coming. Am I right, Cousin? What's going on here? How long have you been on stand-up? For about six years now. Six years. Where at? I'm from Austin, born and raised here.

So I started a comedy here. Then I moved to San Antonio. So I live in San Antonio now, which is just an hour away. What clubs around here? Well, I'm an open-micer still. So I do a lot of open-mics and stuff. Right. You do open-mics, gyms, bobs.

You do it all. I do everything. Anyway, you can find me on 35 and Runberg at the Coochie Corner. I'm just kidding. The Coochie Corner? What's the Coochie Corner? That's where the Coochie Corner is. 35 and Runberg.

Why do they call it the Coochie Corner? Just where you buy coochie at. You look like literally the last guy I think that would ever buy coochie. Are they selling butthole at the back door? I'm confused. Why you'd be at Coochie Corner? I have you more on Hershey Highway.

Whoa. Well, my sister works here. I'm just kidding. What the fuck was that shit, dude? I dropped her off before the show, all right? Cousin Berto, you are a wild man. You look like you work at Homo Depot. Hey, you know the other day, the other day you called,

I was a few weeks ago, you were looking for a female comic, but you came across my name. I'm like, damn, I could tell him I identify as a woman. That is true. So, when did you, what's your love life like? Nothing, it's nothing. But you're a single, we would say gay man, right? Right.

And are you on any of the dating sites or anything like that? I just want to know if Hans is going to bring you into the green room next week or something. All right, cousin, that is literally the gayest thing we've ever seen before. Somehow that little thing that you do with your tongue is gayer than a penis and a butt. Like, it doesn't make sense, but so gay.

Absolutely incredible. Did I ask you what you do for work already? What I do for work, I don't, I am currently unemployed. Really? How do you survive? I save people's... Well, I'm actually in the process of looking, but I'm saving people's lives right now by donating plasma, so that's getting me a butt.

Oh my gosh. You're donating ear plasma? No, I'm just kidding. Oh my God, people are being injected with plasma. I'm totally kidding, but right now I'm working with the, with the staffing agency, so they're looking for a job. I just stopped last week because my assignment ended with the staffing agency when your assignment ends.

You have to wait for another assignment. It's kind of weird, yeah. Wow, that was a lot of information. But real funny, real funny. That was incredible. You were on top for a while, now you're on bottom already. I've always been on bottom since I was a little girl. I bet. When's the first time you...

Yeah, we get it, we get it, we get it. When's the first time you had sex? When did you lose your virginity? How old are you? I was probably about 16. 16, when this was with a boy? Yes. Okay, and were you guys like hiding? You come from a real strong, tough Mexican family?

Brown Rock, Texas. Brown Rock? Oh, Brown Rock, not Brown Rock. So yeah, we... Wow, that's even a gay-sounding city, that's incredible. Well... I'm from Brown Hole, Texas, Tony. I love where I'm from, it's a real shit hole.

All right, man, that's enough fart noises, Jesus. But yeah, from Brown Rock is where I went to high school. Brown Rock, okay. So you're out there, what happens? Do you like on lunch break at school, like what goes on? How do you end up with this boy? Where does this happen at? During soccer practice. Wait, during soccer practice?

Why would that be a secret? Because he was at school. All right, so you guys are at soccer practice, is this true story? I want the real truth. You want the real truth? Yeah. I was 16 and it was a friend from... He really wasn't.

No, no, no, I'm listening to you, go ahead. It was a friend from school, but at his house. At his house? Yeah. Okay, hell yeah. That's gotta be a fun thing about being gay. It's like the parents will let you go to the bedroom and close the door behind you.

You know what I mean? Because it's like, they're good, they're just being buddies in there. We're working on a project, a science project. Just fucking... We're working on a science project. I bet you were. Hell yeah. We were trying to see...

I'm listening, I'm listening. They've been working really hard on that science project. Putting a lot of elbow grease into it. We were trying to see if the volcano would erupt correctly. I bet. Absolutely. Little fucking dirt ball, you. I love it.

Kaz, what do you like to do for fun? You seem like you have hobbies. You go to darts or something like that? My soul... Everything that I do is actually comedy. Right. So I don't really have time to do anything else. Other than stand up.

There must be something where you take your mind off of even this. I'd really... You know, you go camping or anything like that. I mean, I like to go hiking and stuff. And I like to go to the parks and stuff. Okay. What do you do when you go to the park? You just watch the children at the playground or...

Okay. No, I like to... I like to what? I like to get high and walk. I love it. Get high and walk. It's fun, dude. Nature's nice, so it's fun.

It is. Nature's nice. This is something we all can agree on. All right, cousin. You got up. You're very, very interesting, man. Very charismatic. Very likable.

Thank you. Thank you. Keep writing, man. Keep performing. Keep putting yourself in position to get seen out there. There's a lot of people that'll have a gay opener out on the road with them. I do that, but I mean... Well, I actually, you know, for a while I didn't talk about being gay on stage.

I kind of held it back for a while, but recently I started talking about it, and ever since I've been talking about it, like I've been able to come out of a shell, I guess. I think you should talk less about it. All right. Right? I think it's okay to talk about it. There's everything. There's so more to you than your sexuality.

I think there's a lot of things to explore that you don't have to hit that note every fucking time with every question. And I realize that's where you were kind of being led in the panel. But just remember that there's other stuff, too. But yeah, that's true to your nature, so that's fucking great, whatever that nature is, right? But there's more to you than that. So just get off that note a little bit. That's what I'd do if I were you.

That was advice from one of the best to ever do the damn thing. Ron White. Cousin Burto. You know what? Cousin, come here. I liked you so much. I'm going to give you a big joke, but there you go. Six years of the game.

Bottom bonus. Nobody loves the feeling of leathery skin more than Cousin Burto, so. Let's do something fun up here. Exactly one month ago, four weeks ago, we had two guys that got pulled out of this bucket that were just so happened they were both completely morbidly obese. And we thought it was so funny that they got pulled out like basically back to back on the show. I had them both on the stage at one time just to stand next to each other. And then I decided let's do something fun.

Let's go one month. Have a weight loss challenge and see who can lose the most weight in four weeks. Are you guys ready for the final weigh-in right here right now? Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Sam Hunter and Trey Pak, everyone. These guys looking to fill the shoes of Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer as the new big men in comedy. A couple big fucking boys up here. Look at you guys.

This is what I like. Just a couple. A couple of the last firefighters. The full half acre of man right there. Right here. Half acre. Come on. You guys are fucking big as hell.

Now Sam Hunter. Wow. Look at those results. It is incredible what we've been able to do in just a month. You should have seen them a month ago. Woohoo. So Sam Hunter, you weighed in originally four weeks ago at 335 pounds. Is that correct?

Yes, that's correct. And how do you think it's gone for you this past month? It's gone well. I feel like shit right now actually. I'm dehydrated. I'm ready to suck a dick for some water right now. I swear to God. Oh wow.

I was praying to Christ we would do this at the top of the show because I may pass away. I love that you think of all the things you would die from. Dehydration would be at the top of that. 100%. You're more likely to have that random heart attack that you're going to have any day now than just any other time. That's not true. That's not nice, Tony.

Son of a bitch. So you've stopped drinking water. Did you try to eat less food over the past four weeks? Tony, I'm going to be honest with you. I haven't had water in three weeks, but I had four cheeseburgers 10 minutes ago. Doing this new diet food only. It's good. It's pretty nice.

So what have you been doing the past month to cut weight for this? I've been eating one meal a day, around 1700 calories, nothing but chicken breast, eggs, kale, blueberries, pineapple, like two gallons of water. Wow. This is hard work. Now just as fast as you were doing that, tell us what types of things you were eating and drinking before that, the month before that, for example. Dude, when the episode dropped when we first weighed in, I was horrified at how I looked

because I just moved down here and that was three weeks of like hotels on the road, nothing but like face fucking water burger and like going on like six day benders, like I was fucked up. So you could you could admit that me putting some pressure on you and you randomly getting selected next to Trey Pak on an episode has helped your health the past month? Yes. Okay. I just wanted the world to hear that real quick.

Just out here helping people. You fucking remember how gay you guys were in May? You know what I'm saying? Anyway, just a good person. So Sam, you weighed in at 335. We also said that whoever loses the most amount of pounds gets from courtesy of Kill Tony and yellow rose, red rose, screwball, peanut butter whiskey gets a $10 for each pound that they lose.

So that's very exciting. There's something over here. Anyway, weigh in with the microphone in your hand. Let's weigh in and. We got Yoni up here. There he is. There's the scale. This is the.

Put your hands up for the scale man, everybody. It's a. This is Johnny Depp, everyone. Remember Johnny Depp from the movies? That's what he looks like now. You should make him hold the microphone. That's a pound, dude. He.

No, don't make him. He's trying to get out of $10. Oh, wait. Is he taking his shirt off? Hell, let me. Oh, wow. These guys are going for it. Oh, shit.

He's stripped down to his bathing suit. Let's see. 335. Yoni, what do you got over there? 363. 363. All right. All right, everybody.

It appears that he has gained almost 30 pounds since. There's no way. That's what it says. That's exactly what it says. There's no way. Give this man a fucking microphone. Dude, there's no way. Wait.

You do know that muscles weigh more than fat. So you might have been like getting muscle this whole time. Thank you, Dr. Red Band for that. For that bold prediction. Maybe he gained muscle. No. There's not a chance. Yoni, do you think something might be wrong?

There's not a fucking chance in hell. I gained 30 pounds, dude. There is not a fucking chance in hell, dude. No way. Yo, I was going to the gym like a mother fucker, dude. Like an animal. Yo. Wait.

Put Ron White's tequila on the thing to make sure the scale is correct. There's no way. You don't weigh tequila by this. Yeah, it's on the bottle. All right. Let's see what's going on here. Ron's going to tell us whether it's real or not. Now get the camera out of there.

You might not want it on there. It's pretty fucking close. Oh my God. I'd say it's off about eight. Something like that. This is, I realized immediately that him trying to rationalize how the scale is wrong is my new favorite comedy show. I think that this is a whole new spinoff idea from Kill Tony where I have people weigh in,

go on and die, and then a month later make them weigh more. Almost 30 pounds. Dude, they're like, I swear to God, I am so thirsty right now. Fuck you, Tony. Motherfucker. Hey, hey, thanks for helping. Thanks for helping me get healthy, you piece of shit. Fuck you, Tony.

Fuck you. Jesus Christ. There is no way. Dude. This is the first ever weight loss challenge in the history of Kill Tony. We are going to see what happens here. Either way, whatever is happening with that scale, obviously, Trey's about to get on the same scale.

How about you hand the microphone over to Trey. Meet Trey Pak right now, everybody. Oh, my gosh. Now, Trey Pak, believe it or not, weighed in the first time at 396 pounds on the same scale, the same day that Sam Hunter's excuse making ass weighed in. Trey, tell us about your plan on losing weight over the past month and how that's gone for you. You still, what's scary is that your opponent gained 30 pounds, but you don't look confident.

I'm almost certain this scale's fucked. I don't know, man. I don't trust it. I've just been starving. I feel a lot better. I feel great. You feel good? The number on the scale doesn't matter.

I'm not even going to look. I don't even want to know. You're not going to be able to see it from your angle anyway. I'm pretty sure that if you look at the number on that scale, you're rolling into the audience. Kind of Mari. Hell, yeah. Oh, God. This is so much funnier than I thought it would be.

I'm literally like, oh, God, we have to weigh these guys in. It's going to put a real dent in the show. I mean, while all the blood has gone to my head from laughing this whole time. Now, do you want to take any articles of clothing off before you get on the scale? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you noticed. I don't know if you noticed, but Sam Hunter took off his shirt and gained 25 pounds. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Woo. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. This guy's got a real fucking chest tattoo. Holy shit. Look at that. Oh, yeah.

Wow. 11, 18, 12. What is that? Is that fucking? Is that how many sandwiches you eat a day? Does that say Wannaburger? We didn't get a chance to talk about it last time I was on the show. I used to be a youth minister.

That was the day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Gross. Yeah. Wow. Holy shit. What are you from the Church of Fatter-day Saints? All right. It's time to weigh in.

Trey Pak. Again, he was 396. Can I get some drum roll or something for this? Trey Pak, 396. Ioni. What do we got over there? 375. Whoa.

Wow. 375. Absolutely incredible. It's like $210. Wow. 375. Absolutely incredible. Like $210?

That's not going to bring the bank? And he has to pay him. Right? Yeah. Actually, that's true. We'll figure it out. We literally said in the last one, now Tony, as a joke, we literally said that if anybody gains weight, they have to pay the other person.

Now, what you're saying is that you'll have to pay the other person. There has to be something wrong. Sam, weigh in one more time. Yeah, one more time. Let's weigh Sam in. This is absolutely... What do we got there? That's a tie.

It just told the time, everybody. That's how fatty it is. It's like... It's like it's bedtime. That's a tie. That's a tie. That's a tie. It's like it's bedtime for me.

Time of death for the scale. I wasn't built for this. Stop it. This is fucking... This is how... This... This scale might as well have been at Astro World this weekend for how many times... Tab it and then stab it.

How much pressure it's had on it. Tab it and then let it go and then stab on it. There it is. It's taking off his shoes, everybody. Wait a second. It appears to be fluctuating at about... 253? Oh, 353.

Oh, wow, yeah. Yeah, dude, that's not good. Still looking. I keep looking at your original way in here, 335. Grab a microphone. Tell us, explain to us what the fuck you think is going on here. You gotta look at the before and afters, bro. You are a fucking liar, dude.

I'm nuts. You mean before and afters? Come on. No, my friend, my friend who I started with in Connecticut, he had shows down here. We went to the gym back to back days. The whole time he's given me advice like do this, do that. And I had to be like, dude, I know what I'm doing. Chill.

And I pushed back. So you went to the gym two days? No. I went to the gym like five days a week for the month. And then by the end of the two days, my boy kept telling me like do this, try that. And I had to be like, dude, shut up, relax. Then he called me a cunt in the gym. They made a scene.

And then we got back to my apartment. He was so dehydrated. He was having like uncontrollable muscle spasms. Oh, shit. Like he couldn't keep up with me in the gym when I came to. There's no way. Let me ask you this. Have you had a lot of bread and pasta the past few days?

I have not had a lot. No, I haven't had any bread or pasta for at least the month. He just built his muscle up and that weighs more for real. That's what happened. Guys, that is not how it works. Stop clapping. Oh my God. This is why they were able to fucking plow that vaccine into everybody's mind.

Jesus Christ. That's how quickly it spreads. Oh, he just suddenly gained muscle. No, you fucks. And then you all clap like you're supporting him. No, I want you to lose 20 pounds in tears tonight after you get home. That's what I want. That's not nice.

No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm kidding. I'm just obviously I'm joking. I feel really bad for you. It's completely embarrassing what happened up here tonight. All right. Well, I don't know.

So you win $210 tray pack. Congratulations to you. Wait, wait, Tony. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Don't you think we should extend this for another month? You guys want to go one more month?

Why are you saying no? It's just past month's been a nightmare. But look what you're doing. You're making yourself better. Don't you want to keep losing weight? All right. Four weeks from today. The saga will continue.

We will weigh these men in again. Sam Hunter will see if he brings 22 pounds of excuses with him. Congratulations to Trey Pack, who's lost 21 pounds in four weeks. Wait a second. Is that a fucking bag of Swedish fish? What the fuck? And a pack of fucking camels. I'm going to like pass out.

I swear to God. I need Swedish fish. That's what you meant when you said you were eating nothing but fish and vegetables? Swedish fish? Are you fucking kidding me, dude? This guy. What the fuck? How dare you bring a bag of Swedish fish?

This is what, like, after weigh-ins, he's like, I just got a... And a pack of cigarettes. Oh, yeah, this smokes Marlboro heavies. How about a hand for these guys? I mean, I don't know. Trying to... Trying to improve people's lives here. It's not always easy.

Back to the bucket we go. God damn, that was fucking hilarious. Oh, my God. We literally joked about them gaining weight. Oh, unbelievable. Sometimes real life, you just can't beat it. Your next comedian, John Papowanow. Papowanow.

Papowanow. John. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, John Papowanow. Hey, I had a rough childhood because my parents are what we can call helicopter parents, you know? In the sense that helicopters are incapable of love. I scared myself this morning by pooping red. But then I remembered that I ate beets last night. And I'm, like, super allergic to beets, so it was just blood.

Did you know that the Golden Gate Bridge was built with depression-era relief funds? And continues to be used for depression relief to this day. I think the worst part about having to marry your own dog would be having to have sex in only one style. Non-consensual. Absolutely hilarious. John Papowanow. Papowanow? How do you say that?

Papowanow? Papa Iowano. Papa Iowano. Very cool. You have, like, the last name of, like, a big NBA player or something like that. No, I'm actually, I'm Polynesian. Oh, okay. What are they known for?

The sauce, right? Oh yeah, the Wendy's sauce that Red Band loves so much. Can I get away with that? I'm Greek. What? I'm Greek, actually. Oh, you're Greek? Okay.

Alright. Okay. How's it going? I love it. John, is your first time on the show? You seem familiar to me. I'm familiar because we met on my first day in Austin. Okay.

Fourth of July. Okay. Fourth of July. CM Smokehouse? Absolutely. I go back with William. You go back with what? Montgomery.

Oh, I love it. I love your friends with William. I love that. You originally from Memphis? No, I'm from Long Island. Okay. How do you and William know each other? We met at La Quinta Inn.

Amazing. Amazing. I fell right into that fucking trap. I love it. John, what do you do for a living? I was a physicist and now I'm a data scientist slash machine learning and engineer slash unemployed. Wow.

How come you're not a physicist anymore? What happened to that? I went into grad school thinking I wanted to do research, like be a professor and all that. And I got disillusioned with it during the, during my grad school. So I started doing open mics in Colorado. And I got my PhD, but I left and I went to the data science where you get paid better and you do less interesting work.

Yeah. Yeah. No, that's the vibe that we're getting. Is that a bummer? I'm a bummer. I'm sorry. Yeah. You're proud of that?

Well, I don't even have to talk about real shit. Can we talk about like my parents like beating the shit out of me? Sure. Let's do it. Absolutely. I was just going to say interesting things about your life. Your parents beat the shit out of you. You don't know.

No, they're, they're great. I love. Yeah. I was going to say, I don't think most physicists come from an abusive background. Right. It's not really the old. Wow. So they were good.

They're good parents. Yeah. They're good parents. Okay. They're back. They're like, they're over. They're too good. No, it's bad.

They're, they're coercive. They're like, they're overbearing. And so like, they're still worried about me because I am between jobs and unemployed. And I was like, I'm going to ask you. How old are you? 35. 35. And they're worried about you?

Yeah. Why? I mean, you still look like a physicist. I figured. Yeah. At least you didn't use your luck. Lose your luck. Jesus.

What do you do for fun, John? I train Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Really? Holy shit. Damn. I was just about to call you a fucking nerd, but now I'm not. Yeah. Me and Lex Friedman.

Incredible. How far are you in your jiu-jitsu training? I'm a black belt. Get the fuck out of here. Really? Fuck yeah. Oh my God. I've been training 15 years.

Wow. I've also, I trained with Joe Rogan. Wow. In 2009, when he briefly lived in Boulder, Colorado. Damn. I was a blue belt. He was a brown belt. He passed my guard.

Then he choked me. Yeah. And I'm looking for revenge. Okay. Wow. Calling it. It's entirely possible. I'm doing a show tomorrow.

I can sneak you in the back door and you guys can have it out. Yeah. Yeah. Go to this steam room together. I'm unemployed. Yeah. Teach him a fucking lesson, man. Teach him a lesson.

I love it. Joe, what do you think about this idea of this guy getting his revenge on you in a jiu-jitsu match? That's nonsense. Oh. There you go. That's what Joe seems to think about it. Doesn't think you have a fucking chance.

Has the training from being up there helped you? Because you were in Denver training jiu-jitsu and now you're in Austin. You know. Great question. Yeah. Let me ask you. The sea level, you know. Yeah.

It helps you because you can go to like an Apple store and get weed. That's the nice part. I must warn you after you bragged about being a black belt in jiu-jitsu. You asked me. There's probably going to be a man named Cousin Berto who asks you to choke him later. So just be aware of that. He's out there. And no, I didn't mean you bragged about it.

I totally asked you. I like how defensive you are over here. There's an entrapment, man. I love that. Wow. John, what's your love life like? I have a girlfriend. Ooh, la-la.

How long have you been with her? Quite a while. Four years. Okay. Don't lie to me. All right, Joe. She lives in Canada. You can go back to the gym, Joe.

I love it. So where'd you guys meet? Open Mike's? Open Mike's? She does comedy, too? She did. Wow. She doesn't do it anymore?

Not really. Really? She could. Really? She's good. Is she with you here tonight? She's not going to come out. You don't think so?

Yeah. Is that you saying that? Yeah. You guys want to see this guy's girlfriend do a minute? Bring her up. I guarantee you she'll come do a minute as well. I'm sure she'll come. She'll come.

She'll come. She'll come. She'll come. She'll come. She'll come. She'll come. She'll come. She'll come do a minute of stand-up.

Bring her up. Introduce her. Introduce her. What's her name? Ladies and gentlemen. Okay. I mean, she's already here now, but just say her name and then hand her the mic, and then she's going to do a minute.

Ladies and gentlemen. You don't have a minute. Do you remember her name? I'm trying to buy time. You called me out on it. Okay. You don't have a minute? Do girl comedy.

Okay. Do girl comedy. I guess we still have no idea what her name is because John Papine was so afraid of his girlfriend bombing up here, but here she is. Fine. What's your name? My name is Elena. How about a hand for Elena, everybody?

Elena, we know this is a tough position. I'm a girl, so do you guys like girl comedy? Cool. Okay. So I was talking to my friend the other day, and she was telling me she likes to pick up guys at the gym. I think that's so funny because I think you can tell how a guy has sex by how he works out.

You see a guy at a treadmill, and you're like, wow, you must have a lot of endurance, and then you see a guy doing squats, and you're like, wow, he could really throw his back into it. And then you see a guy on the bench press, always getting like that, and you're like, that guy for sure comes blood. You know what I'm saying? You know this bitch knows what I'm talking about. She fucking knows.

She's saying it. I want to pearl necklace my rubies. I am rain rain and fix the bag up. It's 20, whatever. And also, okay, I didn't know I got that long. Unbelievable. Elena. Elena, stay up here for just a second.

I can't believe your boyfriend didn't believe in you. Yeah. Whatever. He thought you didn't have a good minute in you. That's a very uncharitable interpretation of events. And what was up with you saying, and here's some broad comedy, or some lady comedy. That seems really rude. It's girl comedy.

You know how people like girl comedy? That was great. Look at me up high. That was good stuff. You know, I got hair. So you used to do stand up more often, and now you don't? Yeah. Why did that happen?

I don't know. I don't know. But it feels good when you do good, right? I guess. I mean, I don't know where I am. A piece of luggage being carried around. I love it. Hell yeah.

Wow. Okay. You see her just doing it, I guess. Someone's been getting into her boyfriend's chemistry set. DMT who? That's fun. I like your style, Elena. What do you do for work?

I'm a software engineer. Wow. Look at you guys. I like you. Would you two meet at a lens crafters? I like this. I know. I know.

Okay. This is a match made in heaven. I know. I know. I'm aware. Does he ever try any of the wacky jujitsu on you? You train as well? I don't.

And I, I mean, I taught him how to shoot a gun, and now I have no advantage. So I'm a little, I'm very afraid and kind of a fun way, but very afraid. Wow. I like it. So you knew how to shoot a gun before him? Oh, that's perfect. Yes. Very good.

It's like, it's mostly that. Obviously you specialize in cartoon guns. Yeah. Yeah. So I got a new gig at a movie set that I'm doing soon. The last guy got fired. So they're just having me fill in. What?

Really excited. Really big deal. Big opportunity. When you were doing comedy, how long did you do? Like what was the longest set you did? Oh, I have no idea. I don't know. I'm supposed to give you a real answer, right?

I don't know, like 15, 10 minutes, 10 minutes. Yeah. Don't fucking talk for me. Okay. This is my moment. This is my moment. Oh my God. Girl, come on, girl.

We are watching the end of a four year relationship right here only at Kill Tony, the greatest live podcast in the world. Absolutely incredible. You guys are adorable. I feel like you guys have sex like Willy Wonka's grandparents. Like you guys like, you guys sleep like opposite ways. Yeah. I had another like 80 year old couple right with us.

Just have nerd sex. Like she bends over and starts reading a book while you just hit it from behind. Oh, wait. I'm going to fuck you like a calculator. So stupid. Do you want to do five minutes Thursday? Whoa. In an unbelievable moment.

You just saw a young man get pulled out of the bucket. Did good. Said his girlfriend used to do stand up. She came up, did a minute, killed and got a real comedy gig out of it here on Kill Tony. Elena is going to be at the secret show on Thursday. Thank you. You guys take those. The big ones for her, the little ones for you, John.

What are you going to do? Choke me. Wow. And they're friends with William. How cool is that? I know. I can't believe William hangs out with smart people. Well, I have to tell you, William, the molecular structure of that raisin bread is damaging to your future health.

I love a good couple of dorks. This might be the last bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for I Power. This is a new name, I Power. We're going to see what happens here. Here is I Power. Check, check. Hey, what's up, guys?

You know what's worse than getting fired in real life? Getting fired on Zoom because you get to see your own live reaction and your life crumbling. Oh, man. I feel like Hennessy is actually the price that it is. Not because of the quality of the beverage, but because of public safety. If you picture a bunch of college kids drinking that shit, man, oh, man. So I flew here from Boston on Saturday. And if, like, I don't understand why airports are so strict because, like, you can totally eat fish and chips at 10.30 in the morning and that's legal and bring it out on a plane.

Stink out the whole cabin, man. I don't get it. That's what I got. Thank you. Yeah, I like your style, I Power. I actually, you're not funny at all, but I like you, dude. Thanks, bro. You have great stage presence.

Thanks, bro. You're fucking up here. You had the balls to sign up. You have fucking swagger. You have confidence. You're taking it like a man. Thanks, man. You should have seen the fucking teary-eyed fat boys I had up here fucking.

And they know how to do stand-up, too. Meanwhile, they're up here fucking making excuses for their existence. Anyway, I'm kidding. I'm trying to make these boys healthy. I love it. I Power, let's talk about it. How long have you been in the rap game? The rap game?

I actually threw a lot of rap shows back in the day, man, but I never rap myself, no. No, you don't know, you don't know how to rap? No, sir. Okay, what do you do exactly? What type of fucking... I sell commercial paint and renovation jobs and I DJ. Oh, DJing is the energy that I'm getting off of you. That's what it is.

It's not a rapper, it's a DJ. That makes sense. How long have you been DJing for? Three years. Is that your DJ name, I Power? Yes, sir. Okay, what made you go with I Power? My last name's Power.

Okay. And... Yeah. Yeah. That's the vibe we're getting. DJ Power. Whoa! Are you guys ready for the music?

DJ I Power. Is that what it sounds like at your shows? Are you guys ready? Pimp, pimp, pimp, pimp, pimp. That's the hi-hat. Is that the snare too? Is that what your music sounds like? I play a lot of house music, some rap music.

It depends on the night, man. You look like you play apartment music, bro. House music. Can you give us an example? Like, is there a popular song that comes on that everybody goes, that goes wild on? I usually play shit that people don't know, man. Okay. I like Isaiah Rashadi.

He's a really dope rapper from Chattanooga. Oh, shit. All right. Well, a lot of people know the guy you just mentioned. After you bragged about people not knowing the people that you play that... Let's get a drink after the show, guys. You know, I like to play music. A lot of people don't know about that guy, Leonard Skinner.

Son of a bitch. Hi, Power. Are you from Boston? You live there? No, I'm from New Bedford, Massachusetts, about an hour south. Okay. I know what's up with that. Is that near Swansea?

Yo, the Venus de Milo, man. That place is fucking... Yeah, man. Absolutely. They're still open, man. I love it. I love it. Fucking lobster tails the size of this goddamn table.

Yes, sir. We got it. It's an unbelievable place. The home of Kiltoni East, where we would do a big run of 1,000-plus audience. I heard they were... Yeah, I heard they were closing, though. They closed, but you can still eat there. They changed your mind.

We're still going to do shows there when they figure out their fucking COVID shit up on the upper east coast. These people are so scared. It's creepy. They're old-timey Paul Revere buildings. They're like, we can't go outside anymore. It's okay. Any of that vaccinated?

It's going to be figured out. We're just probably months away from everybody getting their minds back. Eye power. You live in Boston, though. You have to go back there. You just flew in here on Saturday. Yes, sir. Yeah.

Okay. How long you in Austin for? I'm here till Thursday. I got some family in Drippin' Spring, so I figured I'd say what's up. Honestly, man, your show got me through the pandemic. I broke my leg real bad, and it was the only thing I had to look forward to, so I appreciate you, bro. Thank you, man.

Thank you. Thank you. Damn. Interesting. So you're going to Drippin' Springs. What else about you? Eye power. Give me something else.

What else do you do for fun? You seem like a guy other than DJing. You know a magic trick or two. Am I right? No tricks on my sleeve, man. I like to disc golf. Fly kites. Fly kites.

I smoke a lot of weed, man. Shit. I go to music festivals, drink beer, golf. How'd you break the leg? Playing basketball, man. I got hit mid-air. I've been playing ball my whole life. I came down awkwardly.

I Gordon Haywarded myself, so. Okay. Yeah, man. Hell yeah. Broke a leg. Goddamn. Broke my leg, but dude. That is...

For those of you that don't know, that's not gay sex. That is Tom Segura after breaking his leg. That is literally Tom Segura on the ground after one more time. Let's hear it again. It's just Tom. Again, you might be thinking like, well, who's the other guy? Nope. It's just Tom.

One more time. It was worse than that, bro. Shit. Yours was worse than that? Can you do an impression of what you sounded like when you broke your leg? Fuck. Unbelievable. Oh, man.

All right. Well, I like your style, man. It was my first time, bro, so, you know, I did my best. Oh, yeah. We know it was your first time, I Power. You did 33 seconds of good trying. But I like your style. Again, you know, dude, like I said, you have, you know, an unbelievable amount of confidence.

DJing has really, you know, playing other people's music has really taken your stage presence to a level that, you know. I used to throw shows too, man. So I know a lot of original guys and then basically I got sick of splitting the pot. So I just kind of played out the picture. Okay. Okay. Thank you. I love it.

Thank you, bro. I Power, thanks for saying the nice things. I'm glad we were able to help you through the pandemic. Here. I Power, take one of these. Put that on your turntable and smoke it. Hell yeah, dude. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time?

I don't think we can end it like that. Lexi E. Lexi E is next on Kill Tony. See what happens here. We got movement. Is anybody moving? Hey. Okay.

Okay. Lexi E is coming. Let's see what happens here. Here she comes, everyone. Make some noise one more time for Lexi E. So wore this shirt because it reminded me of the brown acid. My best friend asked me the best question the other day. Lexi, what's wrong now?

Are you okay? Girl, I have double horn pimples growing out of my head and Halloween's over. Yeah, I'm doing great. Feeling fire. I'm really interested in ball sacks. Mainly because I've worked around animals so you really can't help but stare at them because they're just hanging out there daily, dangling. When it's not ball sacks, though, guess what?

It's a bunch of peanuts. Plural for peanuts. That's what I like to think. I understand why some rhinoceros species are going in danger because I'd be in danger, too. That was dealing with something that big on the regular. Thank you. Lexi E, everybody. Wow.

Little did I know that going back to that, we were all wanting the DJ back up here. Lexi, you are so, so I think you're literally too sweet to be a stand-up comedian. You seem like literally too nice of a human being to have any power up here. I have a lot of power. Okay. It's a shame you don't have eye power because it turns out he had it. Eye power is needed in only certain places. What?

Hold the microphone up like this. Eye power is needed in only certain places. Even more. Even more. I feel bad. I don't want to hurt DMAT. This is ears. Did you say eye power?

I heard the other girl even. You know that every time you say eye power, the noise happens? Except for that time right there? Because my producer is literally mentally retarded. I'm not paying too much attention because it was my first time. He said he can't see me, everybody. At a moment after I said he's retarded, he goes, I can't see you. It would be the sound of the word eye power.

I didn't realize you've been reading my lips. You said when she said it. I said eye power and you almost did it. Stop. You said when she said it. I thought that was the rules. I was waiting for her to say it. Unbelievable.

Look at the fucking impact that eye power left on this stage. All right. All right. All right. People love it. Wow. So how long have you not been doing stand-up comedy? No, that's what I'm saying.

It's my first time. Very first time. Okay. We got to get. I'm like the other guy on the bucket list. We're going to set you down the right path here. I'm in Austin. I love it.

So this is your first time ever. Where are you from? Orlando. Oh, okay. You got those Disney world energies. I see it. Yeah, because that's where I saw the ball sacks. What?

You have to project. That's where I saw all the ball sacks. Okay. Maybe you are funny. I mean, when we hear what you can actually say, it might be good. Yeah. I'm not used to this mic. She's a dirty bitch.

Everyone knows that, right? Whoa. All right. Hell yeah. Okay. Lexi E. Are you just visiting Austin? I am.

I'm actually leaving Florida. So really just seeing where I end up. Okay. All right. Well. Life's an open road, baby. Oh. What?

Life is an open road. Oh my goodness. You're just filled with fucking calendar bullshit, huh? Daily calendar. Life's an open road. Leave Florida. Wow. What do you do for fun?

What's like a wild thing about you that we'd be surprised to know about you other than you call the police on black people at parks? That's actually. Eye power. All right. Hold on. Hold on. Honestly, that actually events me because that's not like me at all.

What's not like you? I love dancing. Just. Really? What kind of? Wow. When you put your finger out like that, it made a weird sound. Did you hear that?

Yeah. Well, it's like being on, you know, boom, boom, boom. Oh my God. What is happening? There's been people on acid. There's been people on Swedish fish. And now we have lithium and Zoloft joining the party, everybody. This is very, very exciting.

Welcome to America where everybody is on something. All right, red band. That's enough. What's going on? Why do you have it on your lap for the first time? Okay. What do you like to dance to? You really actually dance?

Honestly, I went to the team show last night like the other guy. Hold on. Red dance. I thought that I'm really into air drum. Everything, I guess. You know how to air drum? No, you don't know how to do shit, do you? Jesus Christ.

I bet you don't even vacuum. I bet you have one of those robot things that just go around your place. I prefer sweeping. What? I actually prefer traditional sweeping. Oh, okay. Yeah, great workout. All right.

Lexi, who told you in your life that you're funny? In the history of your life. This could be a teacher at school. It could be your mother. It could be... I guess no one, but I just had... I make people laugh, so that just makes me happy. Where are these people?

What do you do for a job? Did I ask you already? Well, I worked at Disney. I was actually a safari guy. Holy shit. Are you serious? You nailed it in the head, baby. Oh, my God.

Welcome to Disney, the happiest place ever. Oh! No, I'm sorry. I guess I should keep the mic. How many of you love Mickey Mouse? What does that mean to work at Disney, though? Yeah, what exactly did you do? All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Red Band, you are wild right now. What does it mean to work at Disney? Well... Unbelievable. What exactly did you do at Disney? I did the safari ride. Really? Can you give us an example of what you would say on the safari?

I'd be like, I gotta tell you, I would try to give you advice, but I told you to hold the mic closer to your mouth and you never fucking did it. No, you didn't either. I'm sorry. You're right here and it's just... My mind is blown.

I'm just saying, you don't take direction very fucking well. That's all I'm saying. It took me 11 years to graduate, so... It really did? Yeah, I just graduated. Oh my god, are you like a... I'm not high school, college, obviously. Wow.

11 years? I mean, no, I just love learning. Oh my god. Well, you could just put your hand around in the back of your head and push it towards the microphone. This is an art class. Red band. Stop it, red band.

Come on. It's not art class. All right, well, I mean, Lexi, I don't know what the fuck to do with you, dude. I know what I'm doing here. How long are you in Austin for? I'm just, I don't know, No, that's right.

You're like on like an adventure. You're like this Gabby Petito energies out here. I'm leaving Florida. I don't know where I'll end up exactly. Perhaps in a swamp. Everyone's so worried, but... Lexi, I have got to get you off this stage. There she goes.

Lexi E, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Congratulations. Her first time ever doing stand-up. Make some noise for Lexi, everybody. Lexi, take one of these back with you. There you go. Absolutely.

Lexi E, everyone. All right, there's only one way to end a show like this, and that's with a guaranteed fucking knockout punch. This young man has been a regular on the show, writing and performing a brand new minute every single week, longer than anyone in the entire history of the show. He now spends his evenings opening for the likes of Joe Rogan and a lot of the best comedians in the world.

He's about to debut another brand new minute for you guys right now. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. There he is, live in the flesh. After a very successful weekend at Skankfest, he has arrived back home to Austin, Texas. This is William Montgomery. Hello, my name is William Montgomery,

and my pronouns are those and under. Does anybody know if milky discharge from your penis is a coronavirus symptom? ESPN is desperate for content. Last night I watched this show, the very best of the Houston Astros. It lasted a minute and a half. I'm gender fluid.

When it's time to cook dinner, I identify as male. When it's time to mow the lawn, I identify as female. And then this final joke, I said it during one of the Skankfest, but it's a rare true story joke for me. I was talking with my father Larry earlier and told him I ate some Indian food last night, and he responded, what, like deer meat?

Deer meat? I was like, what the fuck are you talking about, Papa? Deer meat? I'm not talking about fucking Native American food, I've never even heard of that. But deer meat, I'm sure, I mean that sounds like Native American food, but it just shocked me.

William Montgomery, everybody, I do believe. Wow. One of my favorite jokes ever, maybe, Tony. Yeah, definitely favorite joke that I've heard in a while. That gender fluid is absolutely hilarious, William, you've done it again. You've shown everybody exactly how it's done. I am sure that the people that have been called out of here

are in the back taking notes. Lexi E is probably back there taking notes. You know who else is probably back there taking notes? Is iPower, everybody, blatantly the thing that... iPower, everyone, it would have been a great moment, but there you go, there it is. There it is, right on cue. Where is iPower?

I'm a little worried about him. Yeah, okay. Did you see his performance here today? I did not. Okay, all good. Did you have fun at Skankfest? I did. I actually ended up making a ton of money there,

and I got a little cosmetic thing done with me. I got some new nails while I was here. What the f... Whoa. What... Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What the fuck are those, dude?

Yeah, it cost me 500 fucking dollars. Are you serious? Holy shit. It cost me 500 fucking bucks. Now, I can't fucking pee. I can't unzip my zipper. I can't open up a bag of salad. I can't even open up the fridge.

I can't even get to the bag of salad. I can't even open up the fucking fridge. It was such a horrible mistake to get these implanted onto my fingers. It was 500 dollars. It was 500 dollars. That is a great excuse to not eat salad. Fucking 500 dollars I spent on this shit.

I can't ring the fucking doorbell. Can't open up a fucking Butterfinger. What made you do that? Why would you spend 500 hard-earned dollars on what appears to be press-on nails? I don't know. I was thinking a cosmetic change that I would like to make with myself.

I have always been self-conscious about my fingernails. So I thought spending 500 dollars on some new nails would be a good idea and it's turned out that it's not. I can't climb in fucking trees anymore. Tony, the last kill. Tony, a lot of people don't know this yet, but a lot of people called out it's nails.

Yeah, I don't think it's going to be in the local order either. It's going to look like that's going to be the callback to this. The way that this is probably going to go. I don't know. Yeah, I do. You really just fucked that one up, Red Band. I feel like this was going pretty good.

Then you mentioned that shit. Why'd you do that? At the festival, everyone started making fun of your nails. Throughout the whole festival, people were pointing at his nails because they had really weird coke nails. No, I don't. A little bit of something.

I got to bring that up, Red Band. I thought you fucking said you weren't going to bring that shit up. You know I'm self-conscious about my fucking nails, Red Band. For those of you that don't know, William stopped drinking about four months ago and became addicted to raisin bread. William, every week we ask him. I can't get enough of it.

How much raisin bread? I can't get enough of it. Give these people an example, William. How much raisin bread have you had last Monday and one week? How many lobes do you think you've had? Since Saturday I've had three. Since Saturday?

Yep. I can't get enough of it. I started shit trying to put the fucking butter on it with these goddamn dumb ass nails I bought for 500 fucking dollars. I don't have 500 bucks at the moment. I didn't go to a fucking loan place. William, I don't think I've ever asked you this.

What's your favorite thing about raisin bread? Why do you love it so much? What part of the raisin bread is it that you love? Why raisin bread? Man, what a hard question. Whoa. I've never really thought about it. I think you're going to probably nail the answer.

Thank you for that. Thank you, Michael. Michael's the only one that caught that one. I like it. Oh, my fingernails. It's always good when only the top of my head. That went over my head as well. I didn't understand.

Sometimes it's good to only make the drummer laugh. You know, they work hard back there. Look at those fucking shiny big ass nails. I'm telling you, they look like $600 nails, bro. Do they really? Yeah, they really do. It's beautiful. Cool.

It's beautiful. Wise investment. How long are those? Yeah, it's a $500 fucking. What do you mean wise investment? I think it's a good, I said that. I said wise investment. How long do you think those are going to last for?

He really doesn't like you. No, he's so catty. And like with those nails, he's extra catty. He's like, who said that? Like, like. God, shut up. Shut up, Brad Van. No.

Shut up, dude. Why don't you go eat some raisin bread, bitch? Okay, bitch. I might. For those of you that don't know, red ban is addicted to regular bread. So this is quite a great rivalry. Yeah, less calories. What do you mean it's less fucking calories?

What the fuck are you talking about? Raisins have calories, bitch. Okay, bitch. Okay, okay, red ban. Thank you so much. Hey, bitch. You're riling William up. Everybody likes the happy William.

Well, I have been real happy lately about these fingernails. I really do think it was a wise choice for me. I regret nothing. Did they say how long they're going to last for? Two years. Wow. Damn, that's deep, dude. All of a sudden 500 doesn't seem like that much.

Yeah, not at all. Yeah, it's like 10 bucks a month. I don't know. I didn't. I didn't think about it. I didn't really do the math on that at all. So don't hold that one against me. Might be 20.

I don't know. I still can't even remember what we were talking about. So wow, two years. And then what do you think you're going to do it again? I don't know. Who's fucking planning a pipe bomb up there? What the fuck was that? It's places chaos.

Austin knows how to party, man. Sold out shows every single week here in Austin, Texas. Since we got here. Oh, I don't know if you guys saw my new Vulcan Gas Company jumpsuit, by the way. That looks familiar. Can we see the back of it, Tony? It looks like it says something else with a bunch of patches all over it. Yeah, no.

It's the real deal. That's a real Vulcan Gas Company fucking jumpsuit right there. William, you're just unbelievable. Is there anything else you want to talk about before we end this thing? So, I don't know how weird this is going to be. Specifically to you, Red Band. I don't know. It shouldn't be.

I don't think it is going to be, but I am. I think it is going to be actually. I'm just reading your energies. I know what you're going to say, but it seems like it's going to be super fucking weird. I have started doing a podcast. We filmed four or five episodes. We're going to try to release the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Oh, that's great.

Okay. Where will people be able to find it? What's it called? What are you doing with it? Where's it at? It's a website called theswamps.com. No, I'm kidding. I don't know.

Okay. Well, when you plug things, that's when the joke would stop for the moment. Do you know what it's called? The William Montgomery Show. Oh, wow. That sounds great. Everybody loves William. So keep an eye out for that.

Of course. You have an amazing legion of fans that have found you. Even D-Madness is going to keep his eyes open. Thank you so much. I'm sure you're going to do really good, man. I'm sure you're going to do really good. It's great that D-Madness is... Nobody has eye power like D-Madness.

Eye power. It's actually... I guess you guys don't know. It's spelled E-Y-E. That's why it's... All right. William... Cool.

I feel like I could have plugged my new podcast in a much better way. I feel like that was a horrible downer. It was good. The William Montgomery Show. Coming soon. Thank you. Everywhere podcasts are available. There's William Montgomery, everybody.

Austin, Texas. How loud can this room get right now for the great Ron White, everybody? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We love you so much. I love you, Tony.

I love you, Tony. I love you, Tony. Look at this amazing drawing from the great Ryan J. E. Belt all the way back in L.A. He just drew that while the episode was happening. He draws every episode of Kill Tony. All those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. Super fucking cool painting on this one. And guys, how about one more time for the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony Band, everyone?

Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, and Dee Madness follow them on social media. They're performing always live shows here in Austin. And Yellow Rose, Red Rose, Blue, Norther, Vodka, Seltzer, CM, Smokehouse, Bones Eye for the Joke Books. Austin, we love you guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you again next week. Thanks, guys.

Oh, yeah. Hey, let's check out the art by Chris Rogers real quick. Chris, come up here and show everybody what you drew. Local artist, Chris Rogers art. Also drew what I believe has to be a picture of the great Hans Kim, everyone. Famously with kisses all over his head. Chris Rogers art. After Barney starts in just a bit, guys, stick around, grab another drink, unlock your phones

if you want to hang out or you can do whatever you want. We love you. Good night again. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.