KILL TONY - #534 - CHRIS TELLEZ

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

Chris Tellez, William Montgomery, Matthew Muehling, Michael Lehrer, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/22/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Go to 3CHI.COM to shop for Delta 8 edibles, vapes,tinctures, gummies, and oils that can be used to make your own homemadeedibles. Use code “KILLTONY” at checkout to receive 5% off your order● Must be 21 to purchase

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shop Squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at Shop Squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Austin, Texas. Come on. This is a real live podcast. You have to make more noise than that. We're doing this shit tonight.

Fuck yeah. We're doing this shit. It's Red Band, everybody. How about a hand for the band, everyone? Come on. The great Matt Mueling on guitar, the return of John Dees on the keys, everybody. Hell yeah. Fresh off of being on tour, doing his own thing, doing working with Gary Clark. Welcome back. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums tonight, everybody. As always. And the great D-Madness on the bass guitar, everyone. He's here, live in the flesh.

An undeniable part of every episode in the Austin DNA of the state of Kill Tony. We absolutely love him. Shout out to Bones Eye who made a bunch of great joke books for tonight. We're going to have a lot of fun. A lot of fucking fun. Shout out to the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. I was told that the general manager is here. Yes, he is. And he's drunk.

Oh. And he is a little person, so anything can happen tonight. Normally, I don't let you guys in on what I have up my sleeve for tonight, but there's that that's happening. As always, brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose and the Band. Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. How many of you like peanut butter? Make some noise for peanut butter. How many of you like whiskey by round of applause?

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No promo code needed as their pricing is already that good. When you order, make sure to tell RockAuto.com that you heard about them on Kill Tony. Again, that's RockAuto, R-O-C-K-A-U-T-O.com. Back to the show. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Huh? We're live.

We're here in Austin, Texas. Every single week we have one of the funniest people in the world on this week. Of course, no different. Make some noise for a local legend and one of my favorite comedians in the beautiful town of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for great Chris Tellez, everybody.

Here we go. Chris Tellez. I almost said the great. And I said the. He's great. Chris, welcome back. Welcome to the show. Vocal talent.

Nice. I love that. It's a good fucking. It means the world. You were hanging out with us, doing shows with us fucking seven years ago. Yeah. Yeah, the one.

It was great. And fucking destroyed. I wish you guys could have been there and see how you could give me the proper respect. But I don't feel like I'm getting right now. Everybody's like, who is this guy? I've been fucking living in Austin for 11 years. Thanks, man.

True fucking. That's what I mean by local legend. This guy can get you up and down Cesar Chavez Boulevard very easily. See people around the country. They don't know what we're talking about because we have a local legend on tonight. Local legend is what people in LA call petty cabbers.

That's what I'm. I got you guys. I love petty cabs. I'm addicted to them right now. You into petty cabs. You do it? No, hell no. It looks like the most dangerous job ever.

Yeah, I like it because it's like modern day slavery. You know what I mean? You pay like 40 bucks and you can get them to do whatever you want. You ever been in a petty cab? I don't even know what that is. I'd imagine they really hate to wheel your ass around. No. I bet petty cabs are like, sorry, busy, got a fare already.

Yeah. I have to tip extra. I always tip extra, though. Red Band tries to get them to take the hills. All right. Why would I do that? Wish I never said petty cabber. Fucking shit.

It is. No, I love it. I get in the back of those petty cabs. They're like, where are we going? I'm like San Antonio. Holy fuck. Let's get the fuck out of here. All right.

We're going to have fun tonight. Over 100 people signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket and get an uninterrupted 60 seconds on this stage. Perhaps it's someone from the audience visiting from a far away land. Perhaps it's one of the amazing local but not yet legend comedians that are waiting in the corner of the room. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Oh yeah.

You know, 60 seconds, there's a kitten. Yeah. It sounds like that. A kitten. Yeah. That's how you know their time's up. I'm going to take a break from the bear this week. Put him back in his cage.

All right. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? I'm going to get to this in a second. Instead of saying the name, I just pulled out. We're going to save that for a second because I have a special treat for you guys. This guy was made a regular here in Austin, Texas. He's a monster. Kills every single week.

It's unbelievable to watch. Here's a brand new minute from the great Hans Kim, everyone. It starts tonight's show in the back. Hey, what's up guys? Good to be here in Texas. I love it here because there's so many big booty Latinas here. Asian women don't have that big a booty. It's like, damn, have you never picked up anything off the ground before?

Not even a paper clip? It's interesting. You know, it's like we're doing squats now. It's 2021. Get with it. But I do love the ladies. I think it's weird that I'm dating in my 30s now. Dating in my 30s is weird because I'm like, oh, hey, look at that girl.

I can imagine hitting her in five years. Women, they're all about pro choice until it comes to deciding where to eat for dinner. If you're a pro, choose a restaurant. Hey, I'm done. Thank you. Wow. Is that a fake set up there at the end? Did you even have anything you wanted to go to with that heya?

Yeah. What were you going to say? I was going to say this hilarious joke on scissoring. Okay. All right. Maybe we'll be lucky enough to see it next week. I don't want to put you in a position if you don't want to do it. You want to do it?

No. All right. Perfect. That's probably a good idea. That's probably a good choice. I love it. Hans, welcome back. Another fun new minute.

Yeah, I really enjoyed it. Thank you for having me. Hell yeah. I love it. Sounds like stuff Elon Musk would program into a robot. I had a lot of fun. Thank you for the enjoyment. Thank you.

All right. There you go. Hans Kim is indeed Asian for those of you that didn't notice. What's been happening this week, Hans? Give us an update of your life. Your real life is always so much more interesting than anything we can imagine. My real life is pretty fun. This weekend I went to Dallas, Texas to do a little comedy.

Met a beautiful older woman. You said older twice there, dude. Older, older, older malfunction. Old, old, old, old, old. Jesus Christ. What was that? How old are we talking, bro? Because right now we're thinking fucking like 130.

Well, she looked it. Whoa. Oh, shit. She was about 43. Oh, shit. Wow. She had a couple of strokes. A couple of strokes?

Yeah. Holy shit. Are you hanging out with her? No. Oh, my God. I'm not that pale. Jesus. She had a couple of strokes.

Do you think that affected the way that she looks at all? Strokes can leave people with facial structural damage. Yeah. Definitely. I mean, she kind of abandoned me in the middle of Dallas. So I'm kind of pissed at her. Wow. But she was very, very, you know, she was there.

All right. And she abandoned you. Was this a date? How did this happen? I met her after the show. She went to my show. And then we were like, I was like, come to this other show. And then she came.

And then she was like, I'll take you to a second location. I was like, I can't. My friends give me a ride. I don't want to abandon them. And then she was like, I'll give you a ride back. And I was like, OK. And then she was like, I'm not giving you a ride back. And then I was like, wow.

You must have fucked up. What did you do? I touched her thigh a lot. Whoa. Whoa, Hans. The way you said that's super creepy. I'm willing to bet he didn't touch that thigh. I was assuming.

It was pretty real. Yeah. Was she driving when you touched her thigh? No. We were in the back seat. Her friends were in the front. And she would like cross her legs. And I put my hand leg right here.

Oh. That's very forward. Yeah. And I'd imagine you were probably sitting next to her in the back seat of a car. And in the picture, you're sort of looking at her in the eyes while you do that. Am I right? Yeah. So your head is turned at a 90 degree angle.

Wow. Yeah. While you're sort of right in the region of, I guess we'd call it slightly molesting at that point, right? I think she was into it. It was pretty hot. I was man-spreading, which is a no-no. But it was sort of like a forward move and a sexual advance.

Wow. Would 43 be the oldest woman you've ever hooked up with? No. I actually hooked up with a 58-year-old. Whoa. Disgusting. Damn. Hans is into reverse pedophilia or something like that.

This is some fucking kinky shit, Hans. What'd you do with a 58-year-old, bro? What the fuck? How old were you when you hooked up with a 58-year-old, too? Like about 26, 27. Whoa. Damn. It's cool, man.

It was really, really hot. She did this thing where we were having missionary sex. Ooh, missionary sex. I love that. It's when you go to church afterwards. And then she sort of put her legs together, and then I was still having sex with her. Oh, that's called rape.

Pretty sure that's where the rape referee would throw a flag. Like... We got a rape on the play. We got it. Raping. Legs closed. That's no longer the missionary position, my friend. That is the crucifixion of anything.

She has kids, right? Maybe she just has a really loose pussy. She's trying to squeeze it together. Oh, my God. Red Band. Red Band still doesn't know how vaginas work, everybody. So she closed her legs. And what was that doing?

Was that like making it... It changed the angle. It made it tight. It was just a totally different experience. Was it not tight before? No. It was adequately tight. Wow.

Doesn't seem like it's that tight. I wouldn't trust that screw in my wall if that's how you described it. You sure we can hang this up on this? It's adequately tight. I give it four months until you hear a bang in the fucking middle of the night. Adequately tight.

Wow. What else did you learn hanging out with this older woman? 58 to your 26, you said? I learned that just because we have sex once doesn't mean that other sex is guaranteed. Like, it was... Did she die after the fucking... Did you murder her?

Because that doesn't mean it's not guaranteed. It is always weird when you have sex with a chick and then she dies for natural causes. Oh, no more? What? I didn't even get half her belongings in a marriage. I learned that women are very mysterious. They have a mind of their own.

Well, yeah, they do, dude. That might be the most insulting thing ever in the history of the show. Do we all just witness Han saying that... She's just canceling himself within a minute set. It took him 58 years for him to see. Also a convicted child molester. What else was there?

I think that's how Asian men treat Asian women, though. Isn't that kind of like a part of the culture? No, no, they're great people all the time, all the way around no matter what. Anyway, wow. So you realize all women have their own minds. Oh, my goodness. I mean, they think differently than us.

Wow. Hell, yeah. I love it. What else has been going on? What else did you do this week? I hung out with my friend, Phillip Garcia's house. Met his mother. We heard the call.

Oh, shit, look out. Keith, yo, mom's away from the pan. This is the 58-year-old fucking dragon slayer over here. This fucking guy. All right. What else? You do any shows, any fun shows? I did some fun shows in Dallas Comedy Club. I did this show at LGTAP for a bunch of Latino-Mexican-Americans.

Very interesting audience. Very fun, very vivacious. What does that mean? Being all Mexican and shit, just looking at me. It was weird. Vibacious. Wow. Big butts, right? That's what you mean?

They were shouting out. They were participating. They were exchanging energy. They weren't any while. Like having a good time or some shit. It was weird. They didn't do their math homework that day or something. What the fuck?

I love it, Hans. You're absolutely fantastic here. We love every week having you on the show. We'll see you again next week. Thank you, everybody. Living legend right there. The icon, Hans Kim. Wearing his glasses again.

What? He's wearing his glasses again. That was an interesting time. Sahad Masood is next on Kill Tony. Sahad Masood. All right. Pulled out of the bucket. We got Sahad coming.

Is there movement back there? Anybody see anybody coming? No? All right. I'm going to go with this first name that I pulled earlier. Emilio Babot. Emilio Babot, perhaps. From the audience.

Here he is. One more time for Emilio, everybody. Have you guys heard that old parable? People who live in glass houses should not throw their wives down the stairs. It's one from Jesus. Plan B, I don't really want to... I don't want to talk. Everybody talks about Plan B, but I'm just going to say this. Plan B. When it comes to contraceptives, Plan B definitely feels the best.

You know, because it means you dropped on deep. What's going on, dude? Give me some. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that a roundabout is not the same thing as a human trafficking ring. My buddy was like, my fucking sister, she's in a human trafficking ring. I was like, why is she fucking stupid? Turn left. Fuck yeah. Emilio Babot, am I saying that right?

Yeah, it's Babo. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yeah, all of it. I love it. How's it been going for you? Pretty good, yeah. What do you do for work?

That probably clears it up. What field do you work in? Well, I was a busboy. I'm on a TV show right now, technically, but I actually haven't seen a check from it yet. Is it that new reality show on Netflix where the people live in a house together? I actually applied to that one, but I'm on an even worse TV show. Really? It's a cooking show?

It's the reboot of Walker, Texas Rangers. Oh shit, no, that's a good show. I know that guy. It's so Jared Padalecki, he's my boy, but it's the worst TV show. Oh my god. I don't know where the camera is, but I'm sorry Jared. What's your role on it? I play a Texas Ranger. Wait, you're one of the Texas Rangers?

I play a Texas Ranger, yeah. I thought you were a fucking pedophile victim or something like that. Or the pedophile. I guess you could get either role, really. Yeah, I play a Texas Ranger. His name's, uh, I play, his name's, uh, Haas, Haas Lover. Right, it's like the deputy Dewey character or something, right? I'm the young hotshot ranger who's, you know, he's got, he's a wise kraken. Wow. He doesn't follow the rules.

That's cool. How long have you been acting for? Not a long, it's like maybe a month. Oh geez, look at that. It's not good. It's incredible. Yeah, I'm a bad actor. Where's this, where's Walker Texas Ranger, where can people even watch that? It used to be on what, the USA network back in the day?

It's on the, it's on the CW. Oh, that makes sense. I told you guys already, it's a bad show. You're dressed like their old frog mascot on the CW. You remember that guy? I don't. Yeah. I love that.

Where do you get a turtleneck like that? I'm a big fan of turtlenecks. I want to know. Where do you get one like that? I buy this myself, but that has gift from grandma all over it. That's a fucking girthy turtleneck. It has to be a gift. That's my theory on it.

It makes my eyes pop, okay? It makes my, can you see it doesn't make my eyes pop? No. What the hell is happening? Who told you that? Non-pop and eyes. You're a big boy. You ever play any sports or anything like that?

How old are you? 25. 25. Yeah. You used to play football or something? Oh, yes. Of course. Yeah.

Texas guy. What sound effect is he trying to do on me right now? Nothing. No, there's nothing. Come on, give me a good one. No, relax, relax. You're way too comfortable up here right now, Emilia. He's giving me.

So what do you do for fun? We're trying to find out more about you. This is the part where you go for me and like, you're like, guest on a podcast now. Mostly sex, I think. Really? Is that your thing? You did mention Plan B.

Yeah. You did say, dropped one deep at one point. Is that something that you do? Do you come inside of girls? Deep? I do, yeah. I've actually, I've never worn a condom. What's that?

I've never worn a condom. You've never worn a condom once? Yeah, never. How many do you think we should put one on this guy right now? Who's got an extra condom? Somebody's got to have a condom out there, right? Wait, no. This is the Kill Tony crowd for you.

Fucking raw dog for life, dude. Hell yeah. Wow. He's just fucking slidin' under the table to Chris over here. He knows a raw dog when he sees one. What could I say? All right. Old stinky dick over there.

How many diseases do you have? Red Band, there's no way his dick is stinkier than yours. What? Let's do a stink off. Whoa, stink off. Peer-peer-peer. Everyone who was brought here by the person that listens to the show right now is like, what the fuck is happening?

Is there about to be a dick smelling contest? I need a volunteer to sniff these crocs. Where did you bring me? But let's do it. It's time for the stink off. No, I'm kidding. I love it. Emilio, tell us more.

Like, how many girls, what do you think? Do you think you have maybe a sexual addiction? I've thought about it. Do you masturbate a lot, too? I don't ever masturbate. You don't ever masturbate? No condom? No masturbating?

You're just fucking game time player. Just pure raw dog. This is like if Jordan showed up to the arena in his jersey, just ready to go. I mean, no warming up or anything. He did get a condom. This thing, I can't believe I'm touching this. No, that's disgusting. Where did it come from?

Yoni. Yoni's condom. The brand is skin. Oh my god, thank you. Hell yeah, dude. You could probably fit your dick and your balls in that thing. If the vibe I'm getting is correct, I think you could go full fucking hood and everything over down there.

Thank you. Emilio. I can't believe you actually had one. So are you on like dating sites? Where do you find most of your victims? I actually have a long time girlfriend right now, which is the first in my life. Wow. Thank you guys.

Well, that's why you don't wear condoms. What do you mean by long time girlfriend? One year. Oh, wow. So thank you again. Hell yeah, what a player. One year anniversary. I love it.

What do you think she's done differently that you've been able to stay with her for one year? Baking soda. That doesn't make any sense there whatsoever. Not only is that bad, I mean, it's just bad for so many reasons. Literally doesn't make sense. She bought you baking sodas. Is she a member of the Migos?

No. No? It is baking sodas. What it is. All right. Great. Yeah. They even found you a way out of the question.

Yeah. It was bad for literally decades. Thank you. Has she been with anyone else besides you? Hell yeah. Of course. Of course. Nobody starts with this fucking guy.

Of course. You kidding me. Was she pure? Is that what we're asking? No, she's so impure, just like me. All right. Emilio, you have a real vibe to it. Nice.

So how much did you make enough money acting on Walker Texas Ranger to survive? No, I don't make enough money. So how do you survive, Emilio? Don't get distracted. You're being a bad guess. You're being a bad guess to me now. How do I survive? Unwashed raw doggy hands.

I was a bus boy. I was a bus boy for a while at a high-end restaurant and I saved, saved, saved. All right. There goes Emilio Babbitt, everybody. Emilio, here. Your set was good, but you're getting a little jokebook. My microphone cord is tying itself in a noose right now. Don't blame it.

Emilio. The CW is going to be so cute. Oh, shit. Michael Layers yelling at the side of the stage. What is he yelling? What? Let you, let him what? Bang.

Bang? Fuck yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Layer, everybody. Here he is. All right. Michael Layer. Ladies and gentlemen, a guy that retired is coming back on stage right now with his castaway beard.

Guys, give it up for Michael Layer. Shut up. Thanksgivings here with the season of cultural appropriation. I'm tired of these fucking birds with their feathers trying to be Indians. You know what? I don't think Indians is a proper name. In fact, I don't think Native Americans is the proper name. I think we should go Indians and Baratans.

10 Americans, because no matter what you are in America, we're all the same color. Burner. Butter. It just varies how much cocoa is in that burner. The president of Biden is pardoning two turkeys from Thanksgiving. One for each part of our divided nation. You know what? Though Texas needs to take a close look at itself, Texas has executed five turkeys that

lean on when to be fun to be ducks. Look, we need to come together as a country, but it won't come with too many people for the white privilege. Now, how exactly am I to account for my white privilege? How about this? Let me take all my black friends, and you take all your black friends, and we'll force them to fight each other, then we'll see who has the most white privilege. Michael Laird, ladies and gentlemen, doing a literal drop-in.

A literal drop-in, fucking coming in, demanding, let me bang from the side stage. I was fucking so sober, and I feel worse than ever. You look great. You look great. That outfit. It was at the Don Nautz estate sale. What is that? That's great.

That is. I love this new Obi-Wan Kenobi you're doing. You were supposed to be the chosen one. You were supposed to unite us, not divide us. I am the higher ground. Made the first thing with me. His lightsaber's out. For those of you listening to the podcast, Michael has pulled out a lightsaber.

In actual, we've never seen this technology before. We'll CGI one in on the YouTube video. I love it. The Jedi, Michael Laird. I wanted to do my comedy and leave. Yeah. I love it. I know.

They just said, yeah, okay. I mean, yeah. What are you saying? I don't get to call you Obi-Wan Kenobi when you come up looking like that? No. I'm not a sci-fi fan. Oh, you're not? No.

Are they from this? All right. Okay. Michael, I love this. What I love about this show is that this is the kind of chaotic show where you're like, I just watch a dying man come in, demand a spot, go up, do whatever he wanted for any length of time, and then literally do it and then demand to leave right afterwards. Yeah.

This is the show that you're at. It's a live podcast. Michael Laird has the eternal platinum. You've heard of the golden ticket. He's the only man ever to have the platinum ticket. You left at the part where I can't make him. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely.

You destroyed. You're always unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah, that goes without saying. Michael Laird is amazing. I love it. Unbelievable performance. I love you swinging by.

You're always more than welcome here. How loud can this place get for the great Michael Laird? Come on. Come on. One more time for Michael Laird. You guys can. Former regular. For those of you that don't know, he used to do what Hans just did where he would write

and perform a brand new minute every week. Retired a couple months ago, but not so retired. He retired Mayweather style where he keeps coming back every once in a while. And then he says he's retired again. Then he comes back. I didn't know what the fuck was going on that entire time. I know him and I barely. Yeah.

He surprised me there. Can I get a water by chance? John Forean. You're next on Kill Tony John Forean. One more time for John Forean, everybody. Come on. What's going on, Austin? Wisconsin is so fucking irrelevant.

They're trying to start the next Civil War. I don't know what's attracting these agitators, but it's just in time for the holidays. Oh, come all ye hateful. From Kenosha to Sheboygan, that is a coastline of lunatics. But you know who's really salty right now? That dude from making a murderer, right? He's like, that boy got two? Shit.

But I think this is just retribution because for like 30 seconds, that guy actually convinced us he didn't do that shit. So I don't know about you guys, but I was just picturing his two lawyers fucking each other the whole time. So maybe that's why. But yeah, do not go to Wisconsin unless you don't want to get an STD. Because that's all they have there, really. And the bucks. And that's all I got. Thank you. All right, John Forean. I love it. Hell yeah.

You're like the opposite of Emilio from earlier. I could tell. You're just pure. This interview is going to go good. I can just fucking tell, dude. First of all, let me tell you, after that performance, I must say you're one of my favorite cisgender comedians. In the world without a doubt. I think I'm using that word right, I think. Welcome, John. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. How are you, Tony?

I'm good. How long have you been on stand-up? This is my first time. First time, everybody! And I'm guessing you're from Wisconsin. Oh, hell no. Hell no. Philadelphia! Really? Yeah! You just come here, talk shit about Wisconsin and then fucking...

I got no problem with that, but yeah, I'm traveling. You born and raised in Philadelphia? What are we talking about? Right outside Villanova. Wow. Oh my goodness, wow. Another white suburban lady over there. I'll take it. I love it. Wow, so that's where you're born and raised. Have you been to Wisconsin? Oh, I got some cousins there.

Is there any truth that on the playground is where you spent most of your days? Playing chess, am I right? What a nerd. Alright, stupid. How long have you been on stand-up? You just swing by and decide to just fuck it? Yeah, man, I'm fresh. 24 hours. Today, did you decide to do stand-up for the first time? Yes, sir. First time in Texas. I fucking love it. Where'd you write your Wisconsin bit?

Well, I mean... That was just from the heart. I mean, there was a tragedy, unfortunately. That kinda spurred some creative thought. I fucking hate to say it, but... I wouldn't call it that, but it's just, like, just curious. I used it. Hell yeah.

We should get together and listen to Weezer sometimes. You like Weezer? Right when you woke up, I was like, River Squamo just comedy now? Yeah. John, what do you do for fun? Everybody wants to know. So I just quit my job, yeah. What was your job?

Why did you say that like you're on a game show right now? Because that's like the new thing you do, right? You quit your job. Yeah. So higher or lower? Higher or lower? Nobody has a job here. What was your job? I was working at the ARIA in Vegas. Oh wow, I know the ARIA.

Yeah, Classy John. Interesting. What were you doing there? I worked at the pool. Whoa, look at the pool boy, everybody. Fuck yeah. It's this gender pool boy. Ladies just out there squirting when you walk by, huh?

Look at this fucking... It was hard to quit. Yeah, dude. It was hard to quit. Look at that. Fucking Harry Potter the pool boy over here. I get that a lot. That's why I never read the books as a kid.

Right. Were you doing drinks or were you just like doing towels? Because there's a big difference. I was the receptionist. Whoa. Holy shit. So you could get in, but you had to grease me up a little bit. Wow, damn.

I bet they did. That's interesting. What did it feel like taking a job from some woman out there that could easily be working the receptionist job at the pool? I was the only male. I was the only male. All right. What do you do for fun though, John?

I'm trying to figure it out. Like, you know, what do you like get out and do? I've been playing disc golf recently. What else? Yeah, good one. I used to play Ultimate Frisbee, but I don't have any. What else? This guy's going to kill somebody for sure.

What's something like... That's happening. You seem like such a good person, John. I'm trying to figure out something a little bit rebellious that you're into. What's something that you do that... What's like the naughtiest thing you've ever done in your life? The naughtiest thing I've ever done in my life.

Come on, think about the honest. Don't look at their fucking smiling faces. I want you to look deep inside your soul right now. And tell us a time. Maybe you committed a crime and got away with it. Maybe... Maybe I didn't get away with it. All right.

Right on your taxes. I'm in charge of possession, which is like the most comedic, like, fucking thing to be charged with. Possession of what? Marijuana. Pennsylvania. They don't have it. They don't have it here either.

All right. What else other than marijuana? Yeah. Come on. There must be a time you did something, right? I'm a little white bread in terms of the... You once killed an innocent animal? Oh, no.

You once shot a bird with a BB gun or something like that? Fuck, man. I used to let people in the... I was the VIP receptionist and I would let you in if you fucking gave me money. I would get in trouble for saying that, but... Whoa. Yeah, man. You were spending big money and I was letting in the fucking peons if they gave me a little

chip or something. What's a little chip to you? 50 bucks. 100 bucks. 50 bucks. Wow. I'll let you in. Because people were tipping like five bucks anyway.

So, you know, to get in, you got to really up it up. Wow. Fuck, yeah. You're my favorite MSNBC analyst of all time. Crazy times. What's your love life like, John? Talking to a girl back home. What?

Talking to a girl back home. Talking to a girl back home. Yeah. What does that mean, exactly? Step before committed. Committed. All right. So, what is that?

Like third base or something like that? I don't know. Well, we're out of the park. We're out of the park. We're in the World Series. Really? Yeah. What's sex with John Foran like?

Can you describe it for us? I feel like it starts you come in in like a rocky robe or something like that, like boxing gloves on. I'd like to think I consider people's needs. I bet you do. I'm not one of these guys that just rolls over, you know, and I'm not a fucking brute, nothing of that shit. What's the longest you ever ate a pussy for?

If you had to guess. Here we go. A ballpark. Give or take 10 minutes. 10 minutes. 10 minutes? That's it? I cap out a 10.

Really? What's going on after? You and your weak tongue over here. Jesus, John. To more? You said you think about their needs. More than. I don't need more on the other end than 10.

We know you don't. Everybody in the room knows that you come right away, dude. John's the kind of guy that comes putting the condom on like, oh, fuck. Oh, too much pressure. Fuck. I'm really sorry. Do you have another condom? I'm not Amelia.

I don't wear condoms during blowjobs. Right, right. But you seem like you would wear a condom during a blowjob. You know that, right? You seem like real quick. There are some things that can spread. The lightsaber's on again. I can't believe Michael left it up here for this youngling to pick it up.

John, how old are you? I turned 26 last week. Wow. All right. And you've never really done anything rebellious. You've never fucking. I worked on the Andrew Yang presidential campaign. Whoa.

How was that? It was pretty cool. Wow. All right. It was a great experience. Yeah. We're the receptionists. I might as well have been.

Did you get to talk to Andrew Yang a lot? Yeah. Yeah. I got his number. You got his number? How many do you think we should call Andrew Yang? Come on. Come on.

I mean, it only makes sense. Why not? Come on. I'm sure he would love that. Come on. I think he would mitigate. You don't think without any warning, we should call a guy that literally thinks he could be president of the United States.

But then he went the mayor out. I wasn't with that. I don't know what happened. Wow. Has he ever held it? What does he do? Has he ever held an office? Is he a congressman?

He was a businessman, like an entrepreneur. Just a regular businessman, right? He provided jobs. He saw a vision. He tried. He didn't get it. He tried to unite us. Where do you think he failed?

In the presidential one? Yeah. I mean, it was Iowa. It was Iowa. It was so white. They didn't even, they were like, I'm not voting for an Asian. I don't know what he stood for. What?

I'll come in any state. I guess that's what I'm coming for tonight. Right. Wisconsin, Iowa. I don't know who's next. Sounds like a, sounds like a tourism ad for Iowa, if you ask me. Iowa was nice. Just kidding.

All right, John. Well, I got to be honest with you. You're a fucking little charismatic fuck, but you have no substance to you whatsoever. I mean, I really have tried to like find something compelling about you, but you seem like you spent most of your life like watching cartoons in your parents' living room. I'm traveling. I'm a vagabond. You got to be more wild.

I'm still traveling. There's some guy that's going to beat the shit out of you after this. That's the vibe that's going on. You're about to get bullied, dude. It's my first 24 hours in Texas, everybody. I'm so excited to be here. I love Texas and Texas loves me. You're about to get shoved into a locker, dude.

That's what's about to happen. Here he comes. Look at this fucking Saudi Arabian cowboy. Keith Turbin over here is about to fucking... Got him again. It's the second time I've hit that guy with that before. Any time I get a chance to make fun of a Saudi Arabian cowboy, I simply have to take it. I mean, from one oil field to another.

You know what I mean? Like this guy's traveled afar. All right. We're having fun here. See, I'm having more fun making fun of crowd members than you. I'm a window. I'm a better window. There he goes.

John Forean, everybody. Back to... Here you go. Take this back to Hogwarts with you. Fuck yeah. Fist bump. Hogwarts. All right.

You guys having fun out there, huh? Wow. All right. We're doing it. Ooh, I like this name. Tiger Maximus. Let's see what happens here. Good handwriting.

Tiger Maximus. Hell yeah. What's up? I just got to Austin. About two weeks ago, I came here from South Florida in an RV. We had a tire blowout every 200 miles. When they said I could be busting the rubbers across the United States, I was picturing something different. I saw a lot of cool stuff on the road to Austin, though.

I saw a cock fighting ring, and I was going to go, but I chickened out. My cock still hurts from the first time. I had to leave my girlfriend back in South Florida, but it's not the worst thing I've done. She lived with her parents, and I moved in really early into the relationship with her, so her dad was always busting my balls during sex. But I lived with my parents, too, so I can't really talk shit. When I told my mom I was coming here to Austin, she said, Tiger, comics are a dime a dozen.

How are you going to pay your rent? I said, Mom, I would suck dick if it comes to blows. I believe that is a minute. I'm Tiger Maximus. All right, Tiger Maximus, bowing out at 55 seconds. I love it. Welcome to the show, Tiger. How are you?

Very good. You are? Exceptional. How old are you? 20. What's going on? This look, you look like you just inherited a bunch of money and don't know what you're doing. I'm playing up my...

It's like you just started dressing yourself. Like you ran away from your parents home and you're like, I want this hat and this necklace, and I'm still going to wear my school uniform under that. Not too far off. Those came in as stocking. I'm playing up my ethnic ambiguity. What is that? What is your ethnicity?

I'm Hawaiian. These are shells from Hawaii. Okay. African American, Puerto Rican and Portuguese. Wow. Look at that. That's a hell of a college application you have there. Cambridge.

What are you at? I'm just kidding. That's it. How old are you? 20 years old. 20 years old. Yes, sir. Holy shit.

That's young. Very young. And you moved here from Florida a couple weeks ago? I came here specifically to watch Kill Tony. To watch Kill Tony? To participate. But this is my very last day. I fly out tomorrow.

Wow. And I can't believe I'm up here. What are the odds of this? Incredible. So you're just a fan of the show. Huge fan. That's incredible. What else are you into?

You're 20 years old. Tell us more about Tiger Maximus. Okay. You're already more interesting than the last nine minutes of John Foran. Thank you. I can tell you that. I was a singer for the first decade of my life. You were a singer for the first decade?

Okay. I was a little bit pimped out by my parents. You were? You were like a fucking Hawaiian Michael Jackson over here. That's what a lot of people say. That's very funny. My dad had very Joe Jackson like methods of inducing the song out of his children. Oh shit.

The backhand fellas. Hell yeah. Joe versus the volcano over here. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I spent a lot of time singing. That's what I currently do in Key West. I sing with my mother.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What was that that you just did? I sing with my mom. Your mom? Yeah. Why'd you go like my mother? Just because. You fucking your mom did?

That's what it was. Am I the only one that saw that too? You guys didn't notice? Like my fucking mother? Yeah. Yeah. My mom. You know what I'm talking about?

Like what dude? What's going on over there? Not much. A lot of alcoholism. Okay. Like you guys performed live together? Yes. Wow.

The whole family. Yes. Okay. And you were a singer dancer? Less of the dancing, more of the singing. Okay. Just a singer. You stood in one place?

Yeah. I've actually moved around a lot. In Hawaii. I sang a lot in Vegas. And I, you know, I've had to support my family quite a lot. Let's just say they, they sat oddly by while my brother and I had to pay the rent. So the first 10 years you're doing that and then what happens? I, let's just say I was told to come to Austin by some mushrooms that I took.

And then I just came. You took mushrooms and then listened to Joe Rogan podcast and then you ended up here. The number one live podcast in the world, the Kill Tony podcast. Okay. So, but all right. So what have you been doing the last 10 years when you weren't in the band? Honestly, that's been my entire life. This is like my first escape from having to.

So you went to high school? No. Home school my whole life specifically to do music. Home schooled your entire life. Holy shit. What's funny is that I audibly said this guy has good handwriting after I said your name. May I say something? It compared to really everybody that signs up.

Your handwriting is amazing. And now that I know your home schooled, it's extra amazing. Well, thank you. I actually like how disciplined your parents were on you. You know what I mean? Beat me a ton. I could tell that you were beaten just by how good your handwriting is. Incredible.

Absolutely incredible. So what else? Tell us more about that life. You're close with your parents. Do you ever communicate with them? So my parents got divorced when I was about 13. Okay. Long story.

My father found a Hungarian woman currently my age. I believe at the time she was like 20. Yeah. He's like 50 something. So shout out to dad. Yeah. Hell yeah. Did a little break.

He found a younger Hungarian woman. He sure did. Yeah. Bye-bye mama. That's that. Go ahead. So he broke her heart a little bit and then you know my brother and I spent a lot of our time just in Key West kind of consoling our mother and helping her singing with her

and playing those bills y'all. Key West, not bad. That's the place. All right. Okay. What are you going to sing for us tonight? Let's fucking knock the shit out of it. Okay.

I'm sorry. But after all of that, after all of that, I'm going to be your dad. And if you don't sing, I'm going to beat the shit out of you. So now I know I can fully take advantage of you, Tiger. You homeschooled fuck. Okay. Okay. I had a plan.

I'm a huge fan of Kill Tony. So I was anticipating some of the famous Kill Tony questions like talents and sex and stuff. But anyway, as far as talents goes, I wanted to say, as far as singing, being my profession, I am mediocre at the guitar. And I would like to conjure some guitar for you guys. Wait, you're requesting the guitar after saying that you're a singer? Yes.

Well, I mean, that's completely up to Matt Mueling. I don't know how he feels about Hawaiians, Puerto Ricans, Africans, or Portuguese. But I mean, all together, it sounds like a real pro. I mean, well, honestly, the first four weeks I was here, John Dees wasn't here. So if you can play easy like Sunday morning on that, I will sing that. Okay. Okay. All right.

Anytime. All right. Here we go. Come on. Sing it like your father's behind you with a belt. Oh, God. Come on, everybody. Put your hands together.

Yes to leave tomorrow. Yes. He had two weeks in Austin. He got pulled out of the fucking bucket. I know it sounds funny, but I just can't stand it. That's awesome. A little nervous. Girl, I'm leaving you to my part.

Love it. That's all. Shake it. It seems to me, girl, you know I've done all I can. No one can hear you, but do you want this mic? I've extolled and I'm far from done. Yeah. Yeah.

That's why I'm easy like Sunday morning. Very shaky. I'm sorry. I'm easy like Sunday morning. All right. There you go. Tiger Maximus. All right.

That was good. Guys, give it up for the band. How fucking awesome was that? It's incredible. All right. Really? Matt is now offering Tiger Maximus the guitar for whatever he wanted to do on the guitar. Watch out for the cable link.

We're going to let you ride out. This is the last few minutes in Austin, Texas, Tiger. God, please ruin it by being terrible at guitar. We're going to, if you bomb right now, we're going to shove you in the locker. We shoved the last guy in too. It's a tight squeeze for two in there. I don't know if you've ever been shoved in a locker before. I'm a little nervous.

I'm sorry. Very shaky. Gotcha. This fucking little kid. This is what happens when kids don't get to do show and tell. These homeschooled kids come to my show trying to live their public dreams. Oh shit. A lighting change.

Wow. How did he do that? That's incredible. He did that with his energies. Black guys always have lighting changes. The mic is so much smaller than this. I'm sorry. Matt's got some big fingers.

What's going on over here? It's a bunch of fucking wild 20 year old shit. That was so uncomfortable for me. All right. All right. I feel like we just interrupted Tiger playing Pokemon Go or something like that. He just stumbled in here. So you're 20 years old.

How does this make you feel? How do you feel about this entire experience? This is the end of the interview. Fantastic. Amazing. Dream come true. It's what I came to Austin for. And now you have to go back to Florida and what's your life like there?

It is a little bit... What do you do for work? Sing. It's a little bit of being... You still are making a living doing this? Yes. It's a little being shackled to my mom as far as like the living part. Right.

You know. I make do. Okay. Well, Tiger, you came in super likable and what do you think, Red Band? I love them, man. Like, if you were in town Thursday or Friday, it would have invited you to a show, man. Yeah, you could have really bombed your ass off. You would have really eaten it there.

I guarantee you that. I kind of forgot about the stand-up part. I was just like, oh yeah, this guy came on and rocked out. That's the thing, man. I forgot. You didn't stand up. I didn't tell these comedians. Like, the interview is a big deal.

May I intrude a little bit? Oh, Jesus Christ. As a big... I think he's going to do anyway. I swear to God, he's got more fucking balls than... Alright, go ahead. As a massive Kill Tony fan, one of the legendary questions you ask is, is there any special moves you have in the bedroom?

Okay. I was praying to be asked that question. Okay. Are there any special moves you have in the bedroom? Tony, I'm glad that you ask. That's good. That's good. Powerful.

Powerful. I will say, there was a door guy here who famously created an amazing gif on the internet where Alex Jones sniffed the woman's foot, and that is also my fetish. I will suck the shit out of some toes. Oh my God. Are you serious? But specifically smell as well. Wow.

I will smell the shit out of some toes. Wow. Tiger, there is no way I'm letting you sniff women's feet here tonight if that's what you're thinking. Worth the shot. It's almost like child porn out here. That just made everything really awful. It was weird.

This guy's sniffing the shoes at Chuck E. Cheese. I thought he was like a Disney character, now he's like a CW character. A man's gotta eat. Yeah. Right? You made it real creepy, Tiger, there. He had you set him up for it. You could show your mom all this footage and she'd be proud of you up until that part.

Trust me. I'll have to. And then that real fucking, what is your mom, the Hawaiian? She's the Puerto Rican Portuguese, my father's the Hawaiian. She's Puerto Rican, now it makes sense. All right. All right, Tiger, fun times. Thank you.

There he goes, Tiger Maximus. Here, take a big joke book. All that performing you did here tonight. Man. All these dudes are so nice, it's fucking scary. It's interesting. Bring Emilio back. I know, right?

That's the only... Emilio up here trying to fist bump D madness for Christ's sake. We just see that raw docker back up here. All right. Ali Musa. Ali Musa or Musa. Can I get a Jack and diet? Yeah, this guy looks crazy as fuck.

Little bit. All right, everybody. Make some noise for Ali Musa. How's it going, guys? Have you noticed homeless people are getting too confident and brave lately? Like, especially in this city, there's like a new level of not give a fuck I've noticed since the pandemic started. I was trying to leave a CVS recently, and there was this shoeless woman sitting on the floor

blocking the exit. I'm trying to leave. She looks up at me and goes, hey, can I get a ride downtown? I say no, and I just walk over this bitch. I'm walking in my car and she's yelling out a bunch of shit. And then she says something that causes me to stop and turn around. I swear to God, she goes, oh, come on, man, I'll suck your toes. Suck my toes?

Whatever happened to sucking dick? Like, she skipped right over dick and went down to toes, which is way more disgusting than sucking dick, let's be honest. Like, it's objectively grosser, guys. Like, I'm not gay, but if any man in this audience came on stage right now and held a gun to my head and I had to choose between sucking their toes or sucking their dick, I'm sucking the dick every single time. And honestly, getting my dick sucked is my favorite thing in life.

I rank it as number one. But number two is the way that homeless lady sucked my toes that day. Hell, yeah. She sucked my toes so good she made my dick curl, you guys, like. All right, Ali Musa, everyone. Hell, yeah. Am I saying that right? Ali Musa?

Ali Musa. Ali Musa. Yeah, absolutely. Ali, Ali Akbar. All right, I got it. Right, right, right, right. Ali Musa. What ethnicity are you, Ali?

Libyan. Libyan, that's right. If you see that fucking, you got that Gaddafi bone structure. I'm Omar Gaddafi. You really do. It's interesting. I get it all the time, yeah. You any relation or anything like that?

Probably. There's like 12 of us in the world. Hell, yeah. You do sort of look like that. I do. That is wild. I do, yeah. It's incredible.

You do. You look like the bad guy from Ghost. You saw me that last time I was here, yeah. Really Perez, I believe, isn't he? Right, right, right. I love it. So what time do you have to finish turning into Dracula, exactly? According to Midnight.

I love it, I love it. I love it, I love it. Is it true that you sleep upside down in the cave under the Congress bridge? Yeah. Ali, how long have you been doing stand-up? 10 years. 10 years, fuck yeah. I love it, man.

Yeah, yeah. All of it here in Texas? No, I'm from Tucson, Arizona. Okay. He just moved here. I moved here like two weeks ago. Sweet, wow. It's like everybody tonight's moving in here.

Right, right. All these fucking Libyans taking up our real estate. You know what I'm saying? Right. That was awesome, man. When you started going at it, talking about, you know, I want my dick soaked, not my toes or whatever, it was just like, I was like, here we go. Another dick soaked.

And then it just kept going and it just kept getting better and better. There were like tags upon tags on my shit. Oh, thank you, thank you. Was that the set you were going to do or did you hear the guy before you and he's like, oh, I have a good- I almost switched it because I was like, fuck, he's talking about sucking toes. It's going to be redundant now, but- Right.

You know? I suck with it though. Real jokes. You always win. I love it. Ali, how do you survive? What do you do for work? I deliver for Uber Eats.

Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. This is another perfect example of if people could see who's delivering their food, they probably wouldn't order it. You know what I mean? This guy got his dick sucked before he dropped my food off. I feel like I could taste, if I got like a fettuccine Alfredo from Olive Garden, I'd feel like there'd be a slight aftertaste being in your-

It's two coming. Being inside of your fucking Libyan Taurus or whatever you got. What kind of car are you driving for Uber Eats? I drive a 2021 Toyota Corolla. Whoa. Hell yeah. Poland. Very dependable.

I got one of those two. I call it Hans Kim. I'm just kidding. That's stupid. Hans isn't even- it's a Japanese car, people. I'm sorry. All right. Ali, what do you do for fun when you're not driving Uber Eats?

Standup comedy. I don't stand up, yeah. I mean, I live stream and do commentary over movies. Oh, that's fine. But I kept getting banned on Periscope and then you just ended the whole app. I'm on some Russian app now called OK Live. Oh shit. Pretty sure my identity got stolen twice already.

Hell yeah. Like- You and Trump on there. Right. Do you do like recent movies or like old movies? I take requests and it's usually old movies, bad horror films. I just talk shit over it and that's- yeah. Okay.

What's your love life like, Ali? It's nothing right now. I just moved here. I just- nothing really. The Libyan girls out there looking for a guy that looks like you? They all look like me, so I don't think- I'm not interested in that. All right, that fucking laugh.

All right. That's fine. Wow, it's a wild laugh. You have any special skills or talents? The last guy was beaten into being a singer for most of his life. You have anything like that? I mean, besides- You seem like a guy that knows a few fucking magic tricks or something like that.

Right, right. Turn into a bat and fly away. Like, that'd be sweet. Are you jerking off right now? Is that what's happening? Oh, yeah. How'd you see that? I don't know.

I do some impressions. Okay. I'd love to see an impression. I've been working on my Stone Cold Steve Austin. Okay. You can tell me if it sucks or not. There he is. Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Welcome to the Kill Tony podcast. Give it up for Kill Tony, the one and only. Give me a hell, yeah. That's good. All right. That's pretty good. Come on, Ben. Hell, yeah.

Hell, yeah. Can you do Danny Trejo or something like that? Danny Trejo. I was thinking Danny Trejo earlier, too. I would have to hear it first. Wow, you nailed it. That is Danny Trejo. That's incredible.

Who else can you do? I can kind of do Dr. Hibbert from The Simpsons. Okay. Like, well, Bart, it looks like you have the case of the mumps. I don't think you're allowed to do that voice. That's good. I don't know exactly where Libby is. Give me a hell, yeah.

Give me a hell, yeah, for Dr. Hibbert. That Stone Cold's there to save it. Right, right. Yeah, that wasn't that good. I love it. So that's cool. Impressions. You said love life's non-existent.

Yeah, right now. You on any dating apps or anything like that? No, not right now. What's your dream girl like? Is she Middle Eastern? I like tall women, for some reason. Tall women of any shape or size? Yeah, I guess.

Taller than me. I went through a phase where I'd go on dating apps, and when you could go to the advanced search, I'd all put them at, like, 6'3". Yeah. You'll put the year 6'3"? No, I'll put them at 6'3". I'll search for women that are 6'3".

Whoa, damn. Why do you think that is? Is your mama taller woman? What's that? Is your mama taller woman? No, my mom's 5'2". I'm trying to figure out the psychology behind that. Are you a leg guy?

Is that why? Yeah, I guess so, yeah. That's it. Hang your arm on somebody kind of. Right, right. Exactly. I want to feel safe, you know? You want to be the little spoon.

I like that. All right, Ollie. Well, fun times. I mean, just a great set. Have you ever gotten one of these joke books before on the show? I got the small one last time, yeah. Well, guess what, my friend? You've been upgraded to a big one.

Yeah. Thank you. Absolutely. Ollie Musa, everybody. Thank you. We're going to keep it moving along here. It's a wild one tonight. Different shapes and sizes.

Brett O'Brien is next on Kill Tony. Someone who's perhaps been waiting all night for this moment. Hey, those are my friends from the Great Barlatchki over there. One more time for Brett O'Brien, everybody. Give me some energy. I can't do this if you're asleep. I'm not Cosby. I get it.

I get it. You don't like me slandering an innocent man? I guess the problem with me is I was raised by white people. You know, white parents, they're always telling their kids that they're stars. And when they end up not being one, they become shooting stars. Or worse, a comedian like me. We're not that different from shooting stars. We're both liars.

We're both looking for crowds. We're really good. We're killing in theaters. Wow. Brett O'Brien. Hell yeah. On a show filled with school shooters that look like Harry Potter, you take the cake, my friend. It's incredible.

And that's what you talked about the whole time. My goodness, I love it. Luckily here at Vulcan, we put all guns inside of those little bags that you put your phones in. I see you have two things in bags. Am I right? Do you bring two phones with you? Wait, are you pointing a gun at me right now? Look at this guy.

You did great, man. That was awesome. Yeah. Fantastic. Brand new regular here on Kill Tony. Unbelievable. Brett O'Brien. Larry.

Oh, there it is. It's a water battle-shaped gun, everybody. Look at that. It's an explosive. All right. Brett, welcome. How old are you? 22.

22. Wow. This is a fucking Young Buck episode of this show. This is a special Kyle Rittenhouse episode of fucking Kill Tony. All these kids bringing weapons over state lines. This shit is wild, man. What is going on? Are people reposting the show on TikTok or something like that?

This used to be a show with esteemed businessmen, like this fucking guy with a nice vest. And now we have a bunch of these young punks coming in. What an invasion. Look at this. So what's going on? What are you doing here? I got a job here. Just moved here from Dallas.

Okay. What are you doing for work? I sell tech shit. You sell tech shit? It sucks. Absolutely. You're going to kill all those people, aren't you? I just have no idea.

Like Dell? What do you do for fun? You seem like a real fucking glass of ice water, so I want to figure it out. How many pairs of binoculars do you have? I just got one for Hanukkah. Just that one? You got one for Hanukkah? Last year, yeah.

Wow. Someone bought you binoculars for Hanukkah? Thanks, Mom. Wow. Your mom bought you binoculars? Yeah. Wow. Does she get you a bunch of little kid shit for Hanukkah?

That seems like at your age, because you're not hunting or anything, right? No. No. Nothing. Well, you heard the joke. What did she say about them? Your Jewish mother was just like, I got a deal on them. No, I was like, out of season around Hanukkah time.

Yeah, she was like, these are cheap. Is that really what happened? No, I asked for them. Oh, you asked for them? Wow, the juicy truth comes out. Someone made a little list of whoever your Santa is. What do you use them for? I mean, when I was a kid, my mom bought me binoculars, and it just made me a pervert,

because all I did was just spy on people in other apartments. Yeah, that's what made you a pervert. Absolutely. The old chicken or the egg, it was the binoculars that started Red Band's downward spiral. I got pervy. So what have you done with these binoculars? I really haven't used them, but I want to. Why'd you ask for them?

I went camping once, and I'm like, I wish I could have seen things. Whoa. Damn. Jewish camping? What are we talking about here? I've heard of this before. It doesn't end well. No, like, you know, non-Jewish camping. Oh, party time, non-Jewish camping. Well, knock your yarmulke off in a heartbeat listening to that kind of music.

Wait, no, that's all right. I forgot it. I ruined it. That would be Jewish camping music. That's what you guys listen to. All right. Mom and dad, both Jewish? No, my dad's Catholic.

My mom's Jewish. Oh, hell yeah. Hate fuck. I love it. How many brothers and sisters do you have? I have two sisters. Yeah, two sisters. They're older than you?

One's older, one's younger. All right. All right. Yeah. Well, tell us more about your life, Brett. What else about you? I mean, this is only going to make it worse. I guess I played tennis in college, so that was cool.

You guessed you played tennis in college. I'm certain of it. Hell yeah. What school did you play tennis for? I played for Austin College, which isn't in Austin. Where is it? It's in Sherman, which is like a little small blood fuck town in North Texas. Sorry.

All right. So you played tennis. Were you good at it? I mean, kind of. It sounds like a really shitty college, so it's like when people are normally, when they're like, I did tennis in college, it would be like a big college. Yeah, I'm not proud of this school. Great school.

I mean, not the best at tennis. I want to go back to this Hanukkah thing. So you got a pair of binoculars. What else did you ask for? Is that like the big gift? I don't really know. I've had Jewish friends my whole life, but I don't know how Hanukkah. I've never really wanted to learn how Hanukkah works.

I've never really had the desire. Yeah, we actually, we stopped doing Hanukkah and it's supposed to be eight nights. We just did it in one night because. Whoa. Hell yeah. Okay. Forget it. All right.

Instead of eight nights, you forced it all into one night. Right. Okay. You know, you don't want socks on the one night. Right. So we're like, let's just get it all fun so no one complains. Right. Literally just stealing.

Your father must have been like, this is a win. Hand over the binoculars. It's over. Yeah, exactly. Stealing Christmas. What do you guys have like a Catholic and a Jew? You guys have like a Christmas tree with the yarmulke on the top or something like that? Yeah, that's right.

We got, I was going to make a bad joke. I'll go for it. We got a real vivid thing of Jesus dying on the cross. You have light hair. Is your father German? No, he's Irish. Oh, right. That's what he told your PMOM's family, huh?

No, I swear I am. I swear. I am Irish. I don't really do it. Yeah, some good old German sound effects there. Someone has broken into the laboratory. All right, Brett. What's the creepiest thing you've ever done?

The creepiest thing I've ever done. Yeah, we all want to know. Oh, God, where to start? I can't use bumble anymore. Oh, they disallowed you? I'm not allowed on it. What did you do to get blocked on bumble? They have these prescribed questions like, what is your love language?

You know, someone sent that to me. They said blowjobs. Oh, wow. You got banned for that? It's bumble. You should have said touch. Yeah, well, that's what I was alluding. You seem like your profile on a dating site would have those zodiac letters or something like that.

Do you collect crystals? If you can find out what my name is, maybe I'll go on a date with you. You crack the puzzle. All right, you went into puzzles and shit. You like escape rooms. You seem like the kind of guy that has a Lego set. Am I right? I'm bad at that shit, no.

Yeah, I'm bad at Legos, escape rooms. I just quit. Yeah, that's crazy. Matt Mueling is making fun of Brett O'Brien right now. I've never seen Matt. We've done like 100 episodes of the show. Never once have I heard Matt just uphauled at a guest for anything. I don't know what that is, but when he said he doesn't do Legos well,

Matt's like, how the fuck is that fucking possible? He's a Lego guy. What the fuck do you mean you can't fucking do Legos? Some fucking bullshit. Matt is verbally furious right now. Again, literally, he's been on almost every single show since we moved to Austin, Texas. I've never heard him mad about anything before or after the show,

especially during, but your inability to Lego block has my guitar player losing his mind right now. It does make no sense. How can you be bad at blocks? Explain yourself. Matt's my friend and I demand an answer. Explain how you are bad at fucking Lego blocks, Brett O'Brien.

No, yeah, he makes a good point. I don't know. I mean, even D-Madness is like, how the hell are you bad at Lego blocks? How the fuck is this possible? There's so many gees in here. Get your fucking life together. D-Madness is actually probably amazing at Legos,

if you think about it. Legos seems like it would be another one of those blind people super things, right? Like music and being cool and shit. You mean Braille blocks? Dominoes is a big one. Alright. Brett, fun times.

Congratulations. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Yeah. How do you feel? Good? You okay? Yeah, it was fun. You did pretty good. Here you go, Brett.

Take one of those and it'll match your jacket. Oh, we haven't yet tonight, huh? There hasn't been a lady yet, huh? Even Ollie was a guy, it turns out. How many do you think we should pull until we get a female comedian up here? Equal opportunity show that we are. Sorry to Jared.

Sorry to Brandon. Evan. Oh, God. Oh, jeez. Ladies and gentlemen, you know, we don't tell people when they should stop signing up for the show. And because of that, what's about to happen

is going to happen. This lady made her Kill Tony debut just a few months ago and immediately became somewhat of an instant legend. She's wild as hell. Let's see what state of mind she's in tonight as I present to you Miss Amy Oh. She shows up every week. She shows up every week and signs up.

Here she is, everybody. One more time for Miss Amy Oh. Thank you for being here tonight. I've been talking to myself in my car, you know, making up all kinds of jokes, trying to make them down to 60 fucking seconds. Really? Really?

Me? I'm the queen of over fucking sharing. I mean, all my friends say, oh, God, here she comes. What is she going to talk about now? God damn it. You know what? You can laugh at me right now,

but I'm going to tell you this. I think the real thing is going on is that young people overshare more the fuck than I do. How do I care? Who the hell you fuck? I don't care if you get your asshole licked. I really don't. I have heard so many asshole-licking jokes

over the past years. I've been doing open mics. I'm so tired of hearing about your dick. I swear. Masturbation. Gay or straight? Learn to masturbate. How can you hate when you masturbate?

You know why I'm always late? Because I masturbate every Monday. Before I get on I-35. And you're cute as hell. Oh shit. Miss Amy Oh. Buttering up the guests a little bit. We'll see if Chris Tellas wants to go.

I believe this is the 58-year-old Hans Kim slept with. That's why I'm here. You just don't add up. No. I'm just kidding. Miss Amy Oh. I've only had one Asian and it wasn't him. Welcome.

Welcome. Welcome Miss Amy Oh. One of the most batshit people in the history of the show. But sober. You are. She's sober now, everybody. It turns out that she was sober for how long? Oh, many years.

Many years. I don't remember how many years I lied about it. So I can't tell you for sure. Oh yeah. So we're finding out now that you were sort of one of those sober people that like go to all the meetings and all the big things. And the whole time you were like getting fucked up like these people are idiots. No, not the whole time.

I'll be honest. For many years after I got out of prison I actually went to prisons to carry the message of recovery. Right. I've been put to prison a few times for many years. I called her the mom for requiem for a dream a bunch of times and now you're caught up. Y'all caught up now? Yeah.

You can watch it on YouTube. There's like 500 views. They know that they can watch on YouTube Miss Amy Oh. You don't need to plug the show that you're currently on. Thank you though. I told you I ever share. All right. Absolutely.

You are wild. So remind us. What medicines or drugs are you on now? Just a little bit of sativa maybe. Maybe it's still in my system. Anything from a doctor? No. I'm actually sober tonight.

Very sober. It's weird. I can hear you for a change. I think that the hearing problem was exasperated by the alcohol. Yeah. And your age for sure. Don't forget about that. The ultimate drug of time.

But I'm still carrying concealed tonight. So yes. Yeah. Absolutely. Those are fucking muskets. Those old ass guns she's lugging around. Those are single shot fucking. You have to fucking shove a pipe in there and fucking clean out the barrel of that fucking

musky ass musket that you got. Look at those. You got your winter boots in for the fucking. Yeah. It's going to be down in the 40s tonight. Oh shit. And you're going to be down in the 70s. I love it.

Yeah. That guy got it late back there. I love it. Miss Amio. So tell us what else you've been up to. What do you do for did you get to see the Rolling Stones. The Rolling Stones were in town. No.

You seem like one of those people that have probably seen them about 35 times or something like that. This is the biggest crowd I can deal with at one time. Right. What else do you do out in public. I actually I go to my mother's nursing home pretty regularly. Okay. Yeah.

She's my best friend. Yeah. She loves to watch me on Kill Tony by the way. She said you force her to watch this shit. No actually then the C&A put it on. I come in there to visit her sometimes and I'm already there. Oh my goodness. How old is your mom.

My mother is 84. Wow. So you have to turn off Jimmy Fallon and put on Kill Tony when you walk in. She doesn't know who Jimmy Fallon is. She knows who I am. I'm just kidding. That's just an insult to Jimmy Fallon for no reason whatsoever. Neat.

All right Miss Amio. Hey. Stop flirting with the band over there. How's your husband. You have a wild husband am I right. This guy has a temper am I correct. Well he actually wishes me luck every time I drive up here because he's in New Mexico right now and he goes I hope you get on tonight because you're restless.

And I'm like yes. Right. I came here for my birthday and sat over there and I got to be really close to Ron White of course you and everybody was nice but you know I turned 62 a few weeks ago. Hell yeah. Restless but not young. And can I do something Tony. She is the old and the restless everyone.

Can I ask the audience can y'all shout out how old you are. No please. No Miss Amio. Well that's my that's been my interaction lately I've been working it out on my sets because most of my background is motivational speaking in N.A. What. I went to prison pretty regularly I went every Thursday night to the Kyle prison on I-35 and even on Thanksgiving nights I'd bring a panel there for four hundred.

Oh yeah. I think they still play your comedy sets at Guantanamo Bay so. I didn't get that. It's like a scared straight kind of thing right. Well sort of. Yeah. No but actually my message was basically is that you can make parole and become an entrepreneur because entrepreneurs today are the felons of yesterday.

That's just simply not true. Do you know what the do you know what the best company started by a former felon is. Like do you know of any success stories actually what you're talking about you said that. Angie Oppie trucking. Was that is that your own business. Yes. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. I heard a a business name that didn't have a catchy name to it and I assume. That is hey. That might be Gary. Yes. The names of your own businesses. I love it. Remind us all how long were you in jail for.

I was in jail and then prison. Again. Yeah. Well actually. Prison is really what I'm asking. Can I can I drop. No. No answer.

No answer the question that I just asked you Miss Amy. Okay. Focus right now. I was in prison for 13 years. Okay. Six weeks short of 13 years. Beautiful. And I've been out now January the 16th or excuse me January the 13th.

We'll make it 17 years. Now. Okay. You spent 13 years in 17 out is there anything about prison that you miss. Well. Radiator. There was a lot of open mic experiences up there. You didn't have to wait your turn.

What the fuck's that mean. Well I got I used to. No seriously I used to write music and. Used to write music. And when the when I would help set up the bands and whatnot at the prison they come. Can we get a little more volume on that microphone somehow. Go ahead. When they had people come in like the Mike Barber and whatnot.

I used to set up the stage and the sound and everything. I get to know the people and so the. At prison. Yes. Okay. They would come to prison to perform. And it was a way to get out of the cell. And a lot of times they let me get up on Mike and I had a few songs I would sing but I'm

not going to sing here because that was before my tonight is. And I would never sing in public since. All right. Yeah. Well there you go. If you've if you've retired from singing then. Well yes. Then anything we're fine with that.

But but they do my. There's a red band playing fart noises so okay. Can you get off of this please. That's horrible. That's just the worst. I love it. All right. Now listen.

Nope. The last time. Nope. We're going to keep it moving Miss Amy. These things these monologues with you they are they are lengthy and. But there was a time I was up here and I really couldn't hear you at all. Okay. And and when I listened to that episode I think I missed out on a whole lot of.

Okay. Things you ask. Get to the end part of it. The end part was you asked me about my sex life. And then when I tried to describe it you said I made people sick. Now. I did. Yes you did.

What did you say right before I said that. I was doing my dildo joke because I tried to pop that in there because all the jokes I do are longer than 60 seconds. So I. Bet they fucking are. The editor is left the chat. But on the William Montgomery podcast I tell about my prison and y'all see that soon. Okay.

A plug to a different show. I love it. There she goes Miss Amy. Oh everybody. Thank you. And I'm glad that she plugged that show because that is indeed the land that we go to now everybody the guy that's going to close tonight's show is a legend in these parts. I mean the longest standing regular in the history of the show.

Everybody loves them all the way across the world. This guy. Been opening for Joe Rogan. Been opening for me. Been opening for a lot of the biggest comedians in the world. Rumor has it that. I mean I actually I don't want to give that away. Ladies and gentlemen this is the big red machine William Montgomery everybody.

Brand new minute every single week. Miss Amy. Oh actually taught me how to masturbate two weeks ago. I currently have a hemorrhoid I'd show y'all that Instagram keeps taking the picture down. I really do have a hemorrhoid that my girlfriend was about to put ointment on it and I turned around in time to see what she was doing and I was like bitch you better take that glove off. Funny how when Trump was president we wanted to fund the police.

Now Biden's in office and we want to put people in jail. I recently watched a loss in translation for the 12th time I still can't speak Japanese. I call my Mormon side chick nerf because she's a super soaker. I'm looking into getting a discover card said no one I've ever met. What do y'all have discover cards I thought that was going to go much better. Okay that's my time. William Montgomery. How are you Tony.

I'm good good to see you again sir you're actually looking a little bit slimmer you losing weight. Yeah I actually the hemorrhoid thing is true. I think it's because all that fucking bread I've been eating I said on the fucking toilet for like 45 minutes at a fucking time I can't do to. When you have hemorrhoids you can't go number twosies. Yeah I think I was sitting on the toilet literally for 45 fucking minutes every time I was on the toilet just pushing real hard and it formed a hemorrhoid. Oh my goodness so what are we talking about it's like on your butthole or in it.

Internal external it is halfway in and out I thought I had a fucking. I thought I had a fucking tumor but it turns out. Oh shit. I looked up hemorrhoids on the Internet and I can immediately tell it was a hemorrhoid. Wow. It looked just like the pictures I was looking at. Oh my god how did you get to see a picture of it did you take a did you take a. No I can bend over and look in the mirror.

Wow really you made it through that cavernous red asshole of yours. I did I have to really spread it open but I'm able to I'm able to bend down and look at my butthole. Is there any Christmas plants down there something like that bunch of red. It is it's real red down there. All right so how do you treat that hemorrhoid. I have been getting my girlfriend to put ointment on it. Oh why are you having her do that poor lady. What do you think I'm supposed to fuck.

Yeah you put it on your finger you push it back in. Red Band actually knows about this because he's been unhealthy much longer than you. Did it pop. No it hasn't popped yet. It's going to pop. Is that what happens. That's what Red Band was telling me. I don't know.

Christ you guys are fucking disgust. It's your man. Man period once a month or two so. That's how often you get those. No I like every two months but. Oh my god. Ari Shafir gets it like every week and it's pretty bad. All right well yeah I don't know.

So I've been having to start I've been drinking a bunch of prune juice and that works really good. Wow. That doesn't seem like it's that does good. So how did you. Yeah it does fucking do good. What do you mean it doesn't seem like it doesn't. Does it prune juice like make it hard. Okay forget it.

No one wants to picture you guys shitting. All right. Jesus Christ. Save it for the green room after the show. How does it appear that you're losing weight though or am I just wrong. I don't know. I mean I've literally been been spraying shit out of my ass for the past week and a half now. Week week and a half.

I think it's good for you. I know I'm thinking I'm just going to keep doing that and keep on trying to lose some weight. I think I might try to start some sort of a diet thing. What type of diet are you thinking. Just stool softeners prune juice raisin bran. I've been eating raisin bran a bunch of stool softeners these little red pills. That's really good. I know it's pretty exciting.

I literally couldn't shit for like two days and it scared me to death. I was thinking my insides were going to rupture and ate some stool softeners and was drinking the prune juice and eating raisin bran. Okay. Okay. Okay. Are you joking about your girlfriend applying the ointment or is she really doing that. No she's very sweet.

I will bend over and she will stick her hand in there. I literally made her take the glove off. It creeped me out her wearing a glove. Are you serious. Yeah. I made her take it off. It seemed like I don't know. It weirded me out.

Wow. Holy shit. You prefer no glove. I prefer just skin to skin. I don't want. I could ask that's something that you can do by yourself. Yes. Poor lady.

You just prefer someone else to do it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not trying to do that. Okay. I just want to clear that up. You just look at it. You just put your head between your legs and look at it.

I will. Yeah. Very interesting. Yeah. That's what I've been doing a lot this week. Just a lot of butthole stuff. Wow. It seems like that would take up most of my time if I was in your situation as well.

It has. It's weird. It literally takes up the majority of my day every day. The past week. That's incredible. Just looking at my butt. Sitting on the toilet. Drinking prune juice.

That shit's fucking expensive. Oh yeah. You're living a life of luxury over there. Oh my God. You're looking at your butthole a few hours a day. I'd say 30 minutes. Are you binge watching your own asshole? I'd say 30 minutes a day.

I'm looking at it. Wow. That's absolutely incredible. Well, I sort of can't fucking stop now. I have pretty much gotten fucking addicted at looking at my own fucking asshole. Seems like. I can't fucking stop. I love how my asshole looks.

Very passionate. Very passionate about it. What if someone told you that you had to stop doing it? What would you say to them? What are you fucking saying to me right now? I have to stop looking at my fucking hole? Because you're fucking telling me to stop? I'm not gonna fucking stop.

You really think I'm gonna stop looking at my asshole? Just because you're telling me to? What the fuck are you talking about? I'm gonna keep looking at my asshole. I don't care anymore. I love you. All right. Well.

That almost made me have to start shitting again. I had to stop. Whoa. No one's got more passion up here than you. Tell us more about this podcast you have coming out. When is that? What is that? It's Wednesday. It's the first episode.

This Wednesday. The William Montgomery Show. Yeah, please watch it. The William Montgomery Show. We'll see how it goes. I mean, quite frankly, it is a bunch of just butthole stuff. Oh, wow. It's pretty much me talking about my hole the entire fucking time. So I'm praying to God people like it.

People keep watching it. It's just hope they don't get tired of it. I'm a little worried a kid end up becoming tiresome, so. My goodness. Well, I guess we did it again. This has been another episode of Killed Tony. How about a hand for the great William Montgomery, everybody? With the William Montgomery Show debuts this week.

Fuck yeah. That's just Chris. The house artist Ryan Jebel drew an amazing picture of Chris Tellis. Wow. Super cool. I love it. All those prints are available at ryanjebel.com. How about a hand for our guests tonight, Chris Tellis, everybody?

Thanks, guys. You can catch him every first Monday of every month. So if you guys can't get Killed Tony's sold out, which it is until next year. Such love by Austin, Texas. Incredible. But the first Monday of every month, catch him at the spider house ballroom doing his show, Shit's Golden. He's been doing it for 10 years.

The first Monday of every month here in Austin. One more time for Austin's own Chris Tellis. Guys, how about one more time for the screwball peanut butter whiskey Killed Tony band, huh? Matt Mulek, Michael Gonzalez, D-Madness, and the return of John Dees tonight, everybody. We love it. Lots of fun stuff happening. I'm about to, oh yeah, we have a drawing from Chris Rogers as well. It's a little hard as Chris Rogers had made a drawing during tonight's episode as well.

It is of William Montgomery. Look at his nails. It's beautiful nails. Who knows, he might be auctioning it off after the show. Anything can happen. The Killed Tony official after party. There's going to be a bunch of merch for sale, by the way, right there in that corner. The lovely Avery is over there with a ton of very cool, exclusive, one night only Killed Tony merch

and a bunch of other cool stuff. Nether Hour is about to play. Love you guys, live audience. Thank you so much for making us feel so at home here every week. Thanks guys. What a blast. Thank you guys. Good night.

Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys.