KILL TONY - #535 - HANS KIM

Episode Date: December 11, 2021

Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Matthew Muehling, Michael Lehrer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/29/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM – GET $10 OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF A SKY LIGHT FRAME BY USING THE PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT SKYLIGHTFRAME.COM—Mack Weldon – For 20% off your first order, visit WWW.MACKWELDON.COM/TONY and promo code “TONY” for 20% off! Mack Weldon — get it right this holiday season.

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shop Squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at Shop Squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Come on, Austin, Texas. This is a real live podcast. You guys ready to do this shit tonight?

Hey, y'all. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Come on. Am I right, guys? Red Band. Can you believe this? How are you doing? Chaos. These are our friends, Matt Mueling on guitar, everybody, the great Michael Gonzalez on drums, and that is our good friend Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. They are the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band.

This is Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world. Just happened to be here in Austin. Isn't that amazing? Oh, shit. Where's Waldo's in a construction zone this week, everybody? Come on in. Come on in, late folk. Hell, yeah. This guy coming in from Buzz Mill Coffee, just fucking... Hey, what's up? Oh, heard this show's cool. Come on in.

Fuck, yeah. Welcome. Right on time. Nothing better than 824 arrivals over here. You believe this shit? Dee Madness is the only one not disappointed right now. He's like, what? Why is he harassing these people? Fun stuff, everybody. We have fun here. How many of you have been to this show before live?

How many of you, this is your first time like this? This is a real couple right here. Does your son bring you out tonight? Are you guys family? Is that what's happening here? You guys don't even know? Something like that. Love it. The cool thing about Texas is like, you can tell when someone drove more than like half an hour to be in Austin. You know what I mean? Like that guy's got like one of those rodeo vests on that only like real men wear. It's like fucking Yellowstone shit going on over there.

You know what I mean? Just fucking gotta be a real man behind them. They always keep their shirts very well ironed somehow. It's impressive. It's like when you're at the mall and you're like, how is J.Crew still a store? That's how. That's it. It's this fucking guy. This Eddie Bauer motherfucker over here. Alright, this isn't even how we're supposed to start the show.

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a regular here on Kill Tony, normally. This is his second time ever as a guest on the show. And of course, we're very excited about it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kill Tony Legend. Hans Kim, everyone. He's gonna sit up here with us tonight. We're gonna see where the night takes us. The great Hans Kim.

Welcome back, sir. Thank you so much, Tony. This is a great honor for my family. Hans is the man. I made a regular here on the show a few months ago and absolutely killing it. We had an episode with you a couple months ago when so goddamn well, I said, let's do it again.

I don't know what I did, but I'm glad I could have helped. I think it was mostly you, Tony. Thank you, Hans. Wow. You see why I like this guy? I love it. Hans, you got a new haircut this week, is that true? Yeah, I got a little haircut, did it myself,

edged it up, and now I'm looking fresh. You really did it yourself? Yeah. Have you ever done your hair yourself? No. Really? No. All the time.

You take a mirror behind, you have like the third blade, the second blade. That's how you guys end up. Ugly. I get it. That's cool. I love it. Now, that's adorable.

Your own haircut. What are you talking about? Well, I mean, I mean, yeah. It's really easy. You got the old fucking duck stand-hope up there, the old fucking duck stand-hope. Number two, the whole way around. Hans Kim over here looking like he's about to inherit

North Korea or something like that. I mean, this is the real fucking, there's a flow there. You had to switch blades or something, right? Yeah. You can't get this haircut in North Korea. You can't? No, they forbid it. So in America, I have freedom to have this haircut.

Wow. Hans, we're going to have fun tonight. You guys know how the show works? A bunch of people signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this buck out. Sometimes we find amazing local talent. Sometimes it's complete chaos, just mental illness of people that think they can be funny for 60 seconds.

They're positive of it. They try. You never know what's going to happen. You know there's 60 seconds is up and you're the son of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else the angry West Hollywood bear comes out. I'm so sick of that part of this show. I don't know why.

You've lived in this city enough to know where the gay district is. I know. It's by that Turox or that fish place. I know. I think I left my credit card there this weekend. I know exactly what part of town it's in. I love it. Normally, the show is opened up by the great Hans Kim.

Normally, he comes out and does a brand new 60 seconds of stand up every single week. But since he's the guest tonight, we had to find a replacement for him. And ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Zhao Ling Summers, everybody. Zhao Ling Summers doing 60 seconds to start the show. Hans, can you keep my purse here because you still chopstick

for us? So do it. He's Korean. They actually still chopstick from Chinese people. So that's his duty to keep my purse. Guys, I'm sorry I brought my purse here. I know it's not professional, but I spent so much money on my green card.

I'm here to stay. My name is Zhao Ying Summers. Americans cannot pronounce Zhao Ying. They call me Julie. And Joanna. Joanna, do I look like a basic white bitch to you? Do I look like I give a fuck about the pumpkin spice latte? Do I look like I neuter my dog?

People be like, it is good to neuter a dog. Why? Why is it good to neuter my dog? Does that make them taste better? Don't worry, I don't eat dogs. I'm not Korean. Oh, shit. A little dig at the end on Hans Kim.

Zhao Ying Summers, everybody. Closing strong. Is that an American stereotype that we like to neuter our dogs? Yeah, you guys neuter them. Make sure they are companions, but they are just food. All right, just hold on a second on your Chinese instrument that you're playing over here. Just hold on.

Okay, Red Band. Put it away for a second. So Zhao Ying, welcome to the show. This is your first time on Piltoni. It is my first time on this road. Right. However, we all did meet you in Los Angeles, and Red Band gave me this information earlier

that I cannot believe. Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at who was once Miss China, everybody. Literally, we got Miss China on the show. So tell us your thoughts about the Pangdang situation. Let's just get right into it. Oh, God, yeah. Talk about Miss China and the Pangdang thing. Hold on, not during this part.

So why won? Why won the beauty pageant Miss China? My mom said, of course you won. The American people want to make sure that they pick the ugly girl to rub in China. So it would be her shame to me and her mom. That's her thing. I didn't understand everything. Anything?

Okay, so Tony, tell me about what you want me to talk about. I'll talk about it. So what? Okay. Okay. First of all, this is your first time. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years.

Two years. What made you want to start doing this? I can't get an audition callback. I go talk about my mom. Mom, what's wrong with me? She said, honey, you failed as an actress because you are unattractive. I said, maybe I can do comedy. Mom said, honey, just because you're ugly doesn't mean that you can do it because not all ugly people are funny.

So after that, I'm like, you know what? Comedy because, you know, like, what's worse? It's so confusing. It's like some hypnotizing poetry or something like that. I feel sort of dizzy any time I try to really pay attention to what you're saying. Hans, did you decipher any of that? Did you get that? Yeah, I think she just disrespected the whole R form of comedy.

What? I love comedy. How long were you trying to act for? How long were you going on auditions? I went to a horrifying acting studio 2014 and, you know, the future five months was being trying to act and it's not working. So how long did you try to act for? Five years. Five years.

They don't like my accent. Did you get an agent or anything like that? I have a good agent and I go to the fresh of the boat. They said that you're not right for fresh of the boat. You're too fresh off the boat for a fresh off the boat. Your accent is too thick. You literally can't even make this shit up, everybody. We just got that one.

How about Crazy Rich Asians? Did you audition for that? I actually auditioned and they were like, you are too fat. They said you're too fat? They did not tell you that. I auditioned for the cousin, the Singaporean cousin. I didn't actually watch that movie, believe it or not. So I don't know the exact character.

So in Asia, if you want to look rich, you are six feet tall. So I'm like, you're too short and you should grow. All right. Crazy Rich Asians. One of the crazy bitch Asians. So stupid. So what I love about this show is like a real band just backed that joke. You never see that on The Tonight Show.

Crazy bitch Asians. Fucking jam it out like that. Jimmy Fallon's hack band would never give that the respect that it deserved. What would Jimmy Fallon's band do? What would Jimmy Fallon's band do? That hit it. Just do it. That's so stupid.

Unbelievable. All right. Back to this amazing ACDC cover band over here. I love it. So how do you make your money, Zhao Yang? I just, I was able to trap a rich guy. So I just don't do shit. You have a rich, rich husband?

Rich American husband? Chinese. Oh, okay. That doesn't make sense though. Thank you very much. Did you meet him here or in China? I took two American producers for a film in a Shanghai film festival. And my husband, my now husband was introduced to me for a coffee date.

But he saw my photos because I photoshopped to put makeup on. So he, he think I'm hot. And so he want to impress me. Stop, stop. Red fan. He took, like we were supposed to have coffee, but he took me to his yacht. All my friends saw his yacht. Oh shit.

You got fucking yacht baited. Yacht baited, yes. Oh shit. When you think you're just going to get coffee and a guy takes you on his yacht and you realize your life previous is over. Yeah, I just like, okay. If a bro guy is going to fuck me, a rich guy can fuck me. You know, I'm just a rich guy.

You know, whatever. You know, whatever. And I don't care. They are going to both cheat on me. So. All right. I think I maybe understood three words that you just said. Right.

You know that Tony. They both fuck you. You know, you know why not. So the guy took you on the yacht. Did you immediately give it up? Did you hook up on that first date? No, I didn't because Chinese men hate me. They think I'm too dark for them.

I'm like, fuck you. This is the difference between Chinese and Koreans. By the way, the Chinese guy takes her on a yacht when Hans wants to hook up with a girl. He brings her back to his van. Everybody actually lives in a van. Yeah, we're not as rich as the Chinese and that's why we're so much more less bitches than. Whoa.

What the fuck? Did it again. Where's the band when you thought that? All right. This whole thing is chaos. Xiao Yang. What else should we know about you before I let you go? Any fun facts about you?

You have any special talents or skills? How did you win Miss China? Tell us about that. What did you have to do? Well, I raised a little money from China. I sponsored the whole fucking magazine. She's ugly. Hold on.

Hold on. Just talk a little bit slower, Xiao Yang. This is literally a podcast. People are going to be trying to listen to this with headphones. Why? Speak another English. Come on. Just go slower.

Just go slower. Me, speak no good English. No, don't say that. Don't say that. It's too hilarious. That's racist. It's just racist. You can do your own racist jokes.

It makes us all look bad for laughing at her. She looks like a strawberry wafer. Okay. Hans, you are not having a day with Rebecca. Rebecca is not going to fuck you. I'll make sure that she knows that. Oh my God. I don't even understand you.

Oh, is there this new race in between Hans? That's funny. Xiao Yang, do you have any special talents when you did the Miss China thing? I can cook. Okay. All right. Perfect for show business, Xiao Yang. I love it.

All right. There she goes. Xiao Yang summers everybody. We're going to get it moving. Time to go to this fucking bucket. Are you guys ready for this shit? The bucket of destiny. Let's see where it takes us tonight, everyone.

All right. Your first comedian is Dallas Van. Dallas Van, perhaps Palace Van. V-A-N-N. Here we go. Dallas Van, everybody. Hey, Austin, Texas. What's up, everybody?

How you doing? Shut up. I don't care. All right. I was doing a show here the other day. There was this lady. She was blackout drunk in the back of the room. She was heckling all the comics, and I was doing a joke about my dick because, like,

I'm not good at comedy or whatever. And she just yells out, my pussy's longer than your fucking dick. I know when the audience turns on themselves, I have no chance, but I'm quick. I was like, bitch, fucking prove it. And she did. And like it was by like a whole lot. This bitch's pussy looked like a fucking urinal. Do you see that?

I'm creative. This bitch, cocaine? Do you have any? Shut up. Her pussy looked like a fucking screen mask. It was disgusting, you guys. She was a ginger. She rolled out the red carpet.

Anyways, we're moving on from the pussy jokes. I've been hanging out with my grandma a bunch during this pandemic. She hates China. I asked her why she said they're going to take over this country. I said, that's weird. You're not a fucking citizen. All right, well, I'm just going to stop you there, Dallas, before the bear comes in. I think we all know that sets over.

Dallas Van, do I have that correct? Yes, sir. How long have you been doing stand-up, my friend? Three years. Three years. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes. All right.

What do you do for work, Dallas? I'm a safety fire inspector. Safety fire inspector. Really? I check fire extinguishers. That's it. Really? Yeah.

Did they drug test for that job? No, I also sell weed. Wow. Hell yeah. Okay. And I don't do cocaine because it makes my dick not work. All right, so you have done it. That's how you know.

Yeah. Have you? No. But it's all good. You've never done cocaine? Yeah, I've been a real party pooper in that way. It's just never been my thing. Yeah?

Yeah. How often do you do drugs, Dallas? Well, I just got off three years of probation. There you go. What was that for? 3DWIs. Wow. Fuck yeah, dude.

Well, if you're going to do it, fucking do it, right? At least when you total your car, you have a fire extinguisher in the back seat, the fucking real DWI type of job now that I think about it. A hundred percent. That fire extinguisher probably doesn't work though. He's responsible to check them. You're publicly saying in front of a bunch of people that you do a bunch of drugs and inspect fire things.

If all these people die, they have this episode of Kill Tony and be like, wow, there you go. There's the guy right there. Totally. Fucking idiot. Wow. Red Band meets you. They still pay me at the end. So it doesn't matter.

Red Band hates you. Red Band hates you. All right. You're just hitting random buttons. Dallas, so what have you been doing with your life this whole time? Three years doing stand-up comedy. What are we talking about though? What do you do for fun?

What do I do for fun? The gayest shit possible. I play disc golf avidly. Okay. Avidly? Avidly. How many discs? I have a fucking tattoo on my arm.

Oh my God. It's raining now. How many discs do you have? How many golf clubs do you have? Well, the minimal amount. That's how many I have. Well, why didn't you just say that when I asked you? What do my golf clubs have to do with your discs?

Because they're the same thing. Have you ever put a disc in your mouth? Or perhaps a disc in your butt? Is that what you do with your golf clubs? Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, you son of a bitch. How did you know? Put a little putter in my butter.

Anyway, I can't believe how you guys reacted to that joke. That was brilliant. Thank you, Red Band. All right. Lifetime Achievement Award goes to me for that joke. Yes, fantastic. Dog shit. Dallas, what's the most embarrassing thing that you wouldn't want us to find out about you?

Give like a daily routine that you know you sort of shouldn't do. Which hooker do you want to talk about? Oh, you're into hookers? No, I'm not anymore because one yelled at me. Yeah, because I was all fucked up on Coke. Yes, I did Coke that day. Shut up. Wow.

So I was all fucked up on Coke and I called the hooker because Coke makes you horny. But it also makes your dick not work. And then she yelled at me because my dick didn't work. Right. But I had already paid her the money. So she was mad that she didn't get to do the job? No, she was mad that I wasted her time. Wow.

But I fucking paid her the money. You paid her the full sum? 150, which is what she was worth. What were you going to get for 150 if your dick had worked? I don't know. I wasn't thinking about that. It was too horny. Hold on, hold on.

Okay. Stop trying to be funny. Just focus, Dallas. Focus. When you paid her the 150, what did you agree to do? You must know that. Sex, I'm guessing. There's no drug in the world.

I walked into her hotel room. She never got off her phone once. She was on her phone actively the whole time. To the point to where I could lean over and I could see what she was texting and she was texting somebody, do you have any more H? Dallas, your stories are hot death. I swear to God, I can't believe I'm thinking about bringing Zhao Ying back up here again. To tell us more about her fucking ultra Chinese life.

Yeah. I love it. You close with your family? Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking about what I was going to talk to you about. Sure. I was like, what's an interesting story?

No, no, no, no, that's not what I asked. We know you don't have those. You're asking about my family. Yeah, I'm just asking about like fun facts, like graze over like bullet points or something. Me and my mom set a car on fire for the insurance money one time. Perfect. That's exactly what I'm talking about. When I ask you a question, that's the kind of answer that I like.

Looking at all the actual humans in the room like, what the fuck? Fire inspector here, guys. Is that good? How long ago did you and your mom do that? How old were you when you did that? I was 17. Wow. You close with your mom still?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Can we call her right now and ask her about this car that you guys set on fire? Yeah. We'll unlock your phone. Bring one of the phone unlockers over here. Can Sony from my table bring my phone over?

What table? You got a table? You know her number? Yeah. Call from Hans Kim's phone. Oh, wow. I'm going to be on the FBI watch list now. All right.

Now turn up the volume. Put on speaker. Put in the end of the mic. No one talked. Hello? Audrey. Dallas? Yeah.

It's your son. Why are you calling me, Audrey, and why are you calling me from a weird number? Because my phone got locked up. Have a question. Do you remember that one time we set that car on fire? Dallas. Are we 15 again? Some gay dude in a black shirt told me I didn't have any good stories.

And so I brought this one up. He said, I'm stoned. I cannot handle this. That's great. That's priceless. Let her up the hook. She's good. She's good.

Hang up, hang up. You'll call her later. You'll call her later. She definitely hung up. That's good. She fucking hurt y'all. You have a cool mom though. How old is she?

Too old for you, apparently. Not really. All right, right, Banna. I wasn't exactly going to rush into how old your mother is there. That was incredible. I did think that she would be funnier than you and she is. And she is. Yeah.

Blatantly. Blatantly. It happens. All right, Dallas. Thanks for coming up here. Thank you so much. Here's a joke book for you, Dallas. Bones Eye makes these.

Get your first Kill Tony joke book. A little baby one there. And this is a big one. Yeah, you get a big one, too. I wanted to see if he would admit to any other crimes on air. I think we were just getting started. I said bullet points. He's like, me and my mom let a car on fire.

Let's go. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Jared Nathan. Everybody, 60 seconds uninterrupted. He goes to Jared Nathan. Hell yeah. You guys having fun out there? All right. Hell yeah.

One more time for Jared Nathan, everybody. Come on. I think people with special needs should get a free hooker. What's the year? It's not that I can't get pussy. I'm just tired of paying for it. In case you're wondering what my diagnosis is, I'm a fucked up dude.

Check this out. My mind has autism. My face has Down syndrome. My body is palsy. And I started like a motherfucking jackhammer. Similarities between black people and people with special needs. We both get discriminated against. We both discriminate white people.

And we both have dick. Holy shit. Oh my God. A star is born, everybody. Wow. Jared Nathan has arrived. Oh my goodness. Holy shit.

Jared Nathan, welcome to the show that was built for you, my friend. Wow. This is what the people wanted the whole time. Zhao Ying and Dallas right now are like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. At least Zhao Ying is like that, I bet. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Thank you, thank you. Yes, yes, yes. I love this. We got a fucking runaway Thanksgiving turkey here. Just fucking. This guy got pardoned by Joe Biden. He's like, first thing I'm doing, I'm signing up for Kill Tony.

I love this. All right, I want to know everything about you. How much time you got? We got a while. We got a long time. Let's do it. How does this story start? Do I have to be sitting at a park bench or something?

Do we have to be at a bus stop, like talking about chocolates or something to find out? Because I feel like you've lived a full life to get to this point. You were in the Iraq war at one point. You as a cannonball. No. Okay. All right, hold on.

Let's start with you. You give me the actual story. I have a stutter. Yeah, we know that. I was told I couldn't read or write or speak, and I love doing everything. Hey, one out of three ain't bad. You know what I'm saying?

I'm pretty sure you can speak. Read and write. That's a stretch. You know. No, I'm just kidding. I love your style. Still rocking the Velcro shoes, even though you know how to tie those sons of bitches.

I sometimes wonder about people like you. Like, I know you could tie your shoes if you wanted to, but you're like, fuck it with a face like this. Who gives a fuck? Am I right? Exactly, exactly. Yep, yep. I fucking get you, Jared.

We're about to talk for the next 50 minutes straight. Yep, yep, yep. Everybody else, the rest of the show, for the rest of you that signed up tonight is over. Jared Nathan's here, everybody. We're gonna find out Jared Nathan's life story here tonight. This is what we wanted all the time. We wanted to go full retard here tonight.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Jared's laughing. You white guilt pussies out there that are actually bad people, owing and awing. I just caught all of you. He's laughing at me saying that word. You're not allowed to get mad. You fucking liberal cucks.

This is fucking awesome. This is the real party. Do you know the show that you're on? You've seen this? All the time. I watch it all the time. For how long? How long have you been a fan of the show?

I've been watching for a year. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years, where at? I started in... Winnipeg, Manitoba. Wow, out of all the places that begin with the WA, that's not where I thought you were going.

I had Washington up there. West Virginia. Waukesha is a place I know of now because of the SUV that drove through a Christmas parade. You guys see that? Yeah. Waukesha, it turns out, folks, not a Tyler Perry film. Just a fun fact for you.

It's a city in Wisconsin. Okay. Winnipeg, what did you say? Did you say Winnipeg? Yeah, I did say Winnipeg. Right, yeah. That's a WI, which really, that's a big misdirection you threw out there.

So Winnipeg, born and raised. So you're escaping from Canada right now? Yes. Wow, how long have you been in America? Since Wednesday. Wednesday? Wow. I love that.

Hell yeah. I fucking love it. Wait, what's your favorite thing about being in America? They show me respect. Wow. How dare those Canadians not respect you? Hey, you're trapped here now, aren't you? Because of the new COVID variant?

I think they closed all the borders. I don't want to go back. I want to be trapped here. There you go. We'll take you, Jared. We're going to adopt you here in Texas. We like you. You ever shoot a gun before?

Yeah. Who wants to go shooting with Jared, everybody? You're all crazy. You're crazy. That's the sound. Hey, someone gave Jared the AK-47. I wonder how this is going to go. That would be the assault rifle, Brian, before the rail gun.

Shooting lasers everywhere. I can't believe it. Wow. What are you into? What do you like to do for fun? Do you drink? Do you do cocaine? I smoke a lot of weed.

Okay. All right. I love it. You have a bong or a bowl? You smoke. You seem like a guy that... Bong, pipe, cigarette, anything. Let me ask you this.

With a life like yours, do you have to smoke more weed to get fucked up? Like, being a little bit special, like, you're already sort of buzzed all the time? Like, how does that work, except... All right. You know what? I see how you're looking at me. Why don't you figure out a better way to ask the question? I'm trying to ask you assholes.

You think I get to this all the time? The only difference between this guy and everyone else that signs up for the show is this guy knows he's retarded. Right. That's the only difference. When was the last time you kissed a girl? That's a great question. If you had to guess when the last time you kissed a girl on the lips was,

how long would you guess? There's a lot of girls lying out there. Like, you hold your horses. It's been a while. It's been a while. It seems like a lifetime to me. I don't know. If you had to guess how long it's been, would it be, like, more than a year?

Yeah. More than two years? Yeah. It's been a while. Is there a girl out there that wants to come up here and give Jared Nathan a kiss? It's been a while since we've done this segment of the show. Let me just explain. If there's a girl out there with a...

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Whoa! Wow! Oh, my God. An angel. This is the Kill Tony fan base. The best in the world.

That girl gets it right there. But, Tony, is there another girl that wouldn't want to kiss him? No, no, no. That's enough. The poor kid already came in his pants. We can't get another girl up here. Jared, what were you showing us? The hair on your arm?

You had to pinch yourself to make sure that this is real. Grab that microphone. Grab that microphone, you son of a bitch. I love this, man. This is absolutely incredible. Coming from Winnipeg is one of the most boring places in Canada. You spent your whole life there? How old are you? I'm from Toronto originally.

I moved out there. I'm 36. 36? What made you move from Toronto? A real great city to Winnipeg. The home of Winterloo, the capital of Canada. It's all a government city. I had to... Okay. It's good enough. You know what? I'm going to skip the tough questions.

I had to move. I had to move. I love it. You had to move. Perfect. I love that. All right. How do you... They just give you money up in Canada? What's the deal? How do they take care of a guy like you? I'm on disability.

You're on disability. Is Canadian disability as good as American disability? Talk right into the end of that microphone. It's already, I guess. They give more money to drug addicts and alcoholics than they do to actually people with special needs. Right.

That's an interesting thing. Have you ever thought about becoming an alcoholic? Just to really show them who's boss. Double your money. Double your money. Double your pleasure, probably, too. Do you ever drink? I study a lot more when I drink. Really? I thought maybe that would be the opposite. That's weird, but yeah.

Weed helps me speak. Weed helps you speak. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that something? He's speakable. Meanwhile, one's legal and one is in Hans. He's more intelligible than Jell-Ying Summers was. He literally is. He literally is.

I understand everything. Maybe it's the base or something. I don't know, but it's incredible. What do you like to do for fun? Give us some more hobbies. I like rapping. Rap as in the type of music? Are you talking about rapping Christmas presents? What the fuck are you talking about?

You freestyle? You gotta be fucking kidding me. Well, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one thing. How do you want it? You want to go with the band? You got this shit? Okay, but you got to project. You got to go loud because their instruments are loud. Here we go now.

I'm doing this right now in Austin. In Boston, I'm doing this in my phone. I'm killing Tony. Here we go again. Killing Tony! Wow. Oh, my goodness. Okay.

Was there another verse? You're good, right? You should get out while you're ahead. I think... Oh, my goodness. Yeah, there wasn't a single stutter. Matt Mueling is correct. He's amazed. Somehow, he doesn't stutter when he's rapping.

Have you thought about just rapping? Instead of talking? I think that might be the move. What did you rhyme with kill Tony there? I think the crowd just went wild because you said words. I'm not bony. I'm killing Tony. That you son of a bitch. Oh, my God.

Wow. Holy shit. Fucking... What would be your rapper name? Hyper J. Hyper J? Okay. All right, you've figured this out before. But you're not that hyper.

Have you ever thought... I like it. What's the old name? I used to be hyper. I think Jared Nathan would make a good assistant coach at a basketball team. Shoot the final shot. Okay, sorry. All right, Hans Kim.

Hans Kim channeling his inner Xiaoying, everyone. Whoa! There's still a little bit of that remnants up there. My goodness. Are you in town Thursday? Are you in Austin, Texas? You're not? Where are you going? You're leaving for Canada?

Really? If you're stuck here, you probably will be stuck here. But if you're stuck here... Red Band has no idea what current travel policy is in Canada. Yeah, I would. I would. I would love to have you on The Secret Show if you're here. Wow. Wow, everybody. Oh, my God. Look at this guy.

Look at this guy. He kissed the girl. He killed on Kill Tony. He smashed the interview. And he got booked on a real stand-up show in the United States of America. Here's a big joke book made by local artist Bones Eye. What a guy.

What a comedian. What a story. Alphys Bump, you. Very soft. If you're wondering, very soft fist bump by him. It smells like applesauce. He's incredible. He's pointing at the guitarist.

He's going in for a fist bump. Straight to Matt Mueling. Jared Nathan, everybody. Absolutely. It's not going to get better than that for the rest of the show. We should just end the show now. Wow. Jared Nathan.

What a force. My God. That's insane. I might bring Jared back before the end of the show. We might not be quite done with Jared. No, you go sit down somewhere, Jared. I'm sorry to get you excited. Go back, go back.

I'm going to pull another name out. I might have you back up later. See how much we could do for Jared. We should try to buy him a house and taxes or something. Get him married. You have an extra shed, don't you? You got to have somebody work the farmland. You want a new...

Got a new ranch hand. Ranch hand. Hello. This is Jared Nathan. I'm in Austin. I'm a comedy journey and I would love your support and please help Michael fund me.

Please. Please. All right. This young lady's been on this show before. She's very funny. Make some noise for Christina Mariani. Here we go. Oh.

Oh, it's so funny. It doesn't get better than that, Tony. No, it really doesn't. All right. Any movement back there? Come on, Christina. Bar stretches of the building. One more time for Christina Mariani.

Hi. I'm tall, so people can't pick me up during sex. I think that's why I like those videos where there's a cute short girl, you know, and the guy can pick her up and nail her against the wall. But sometimes she survives. I'm a really sensitive person.

Yeah, I am. I'm really sensitive. I'm one of those people that cries during movies when my favorite character dies. Like when Leonardo DiCaprio died. I cried so hard they had it kicking out of Jango and Chain. Christina Mariani, everybody. Great stuff. Hell yeah.

Christina, welcome back to the show. How are you? Good, how are you? Good, good. Welcome back. This is what, your third time on? Yeah. Indeed. The accordion. Yeah, I do. Right. And how long have you been on stand-up again? Seven months.

Seven months. And you're born and raised here in Texas? No, I was born and stocked in California. Oh, okay. That's right. We've talked about that. 209. Diaz brothers, those are our friends. What else? Well, I lived in Italy for a little bit after that.

You lived in Italy? Yeah, English isn't my first language. Wow. I live here now, obviously. I'm here. Sorry, it's awkward. Hans's heart is a rock right now. You guys can't see, but it is just out

and it is massive right now. Hans has a full fucking... I noticed that you're wearing a daddy hat. Does that say daddy on it? Is that sort of sexual in some ways? Or are you guys... No, it's just so if people don't talk to me, they're like, oh, can't mess with her.

You know, she's daddy and then they talk. Yeah, I don't know. I was just surprised there was someone more retarded than Jared Nathan on this show. Oh, come on, Hans. Why are you being mean for no reason? That was for no reason. She's been funny up here.

She's being sweet and shy. And D-Madness is a little disappointed in you. Christina, tell us something about you that we haven't found out before, like on previous interviews on the show. Any fun facts about you? I live with another comedian, Ridge Hershberger.

He's been on the show before, too. Cool. Sorry, I'm not good on this. You recently went back to California, didn't you? How was that? Anything different? It was good, no. Like, I just visited my family. I went to Outside Lands.

It's a music festival. I like that. All right. Well, all right. We know that you play the accordion, but we've never heard you play on the show. There's not one close, is there? There's one in my car.

How far away is your car? Okay. That's not that far. Why don't you go grab your accordion and we'll have you play a song later. Come back with it. Yeah, just come back with it. There you go. We're going to keep it moving.

We're going to have some accordion. Can anyone smell the big close of the show? Oh, yeah. A retarded guy dancing to an accordion, everybody. It's adding up. Hello. You see how I write it in my head? You lucky fucks. You're going to have fun trying to half explain

to the people who work tomorrow exactly what you did the night before. You went to a show. Oh, what happened? I'll have to take you some week. Your next comedian goes by the name of Wesley Mechel Haney, everybody. Wesley.

This looks like a new name. I don't think we've had many Wesley's on this show before. The Mars Voltas use in the restroom a lot. Tonight. I don't know if you guys noticed that. There he goes again. Any movement?

Nothing? Wait, wait, wait. Here he is. Why are people coming from upstairs tonight? Why are people upstairs? Taking too long. All right, everybody. Here he is. One more time for Wesley Mechel Haney.

What's up, mother fuckers? What's up, mother fuckers? So I read an article recently and I'm not really sure how I feel about it and I hope you guys can tell me.

It was about a mother and a father who they were trying to have another baby and they were successful and about three or four months in the dad came in the mother's pussy

and the baby died. If you are sad or upset about that joke you might be pro-life. But I appreciate you guys.

Thank you. Oh, hell yeah. A bombing like none other tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Wesley Mechel Haney. What happened there, Wesley? Step back up to this microphone. What's going on? How are you? What happened? First time doing stand up?

His first time, everybody. Look at that. That's how hard it is. It took Jared Nathan three years to get where he's at tonight. Who knows, one day Wesley could be one of the top young special needs comedians in the world. Wesley, welcome to this show.

How are you? It's your first time doing stand up. Welcome, welcome. How old are you? I am 24. 24. All right. And what do you do for work? I'm a machinist. Okay. What exactly does that mean? You don't look like Christian Bale.

Stupid. I make molds. Well, I recently, I just moved here about a month ago. And my last job, I built molds, plastic injection molds that for like military and like magazines for AR-15s

like medical parts. Where do you live? Here? No. I live in Flugerville a little bit. Flugerville! That's my guy. Look at that. That explains what appears to be a vitamin deficiency. Those of us who

don't make over 100,000 dollars a year, whatever, it's hard water. Get used to it. It is. Green tint you guys have coming from Flugerville. It's actually beautiful. The air smells actually like air. You don't like the six street sulfur

smell that we have going on down here? Why do you think I'm here? What does that mean? So, you are you. What do you do for fun? I like to longboard.

I go in hammock and I get really stoned. You like to longboard? Where do you longboard at? Your set seemed long and I was bored through the whole thing. That's why I was... Alright. Rare longboard joke for you?

That's the exception of the chip. Since I just moved here, I wasn't able to afford to go back home to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. You weren't able to afford to go to Flugerville? Where are the parents at? I'm from Pittsburgh. My parents moved

to Florida and I had an opportunity to move anywhere I wanted to and I chose Austin. What made you choose Austin? Jesus. What made you choose Flugerville? I think that what is going to be happening

here in the next couple of years is something that's... You took acid and listened to Joe Rogan, didn't you? Is that what happened? You took acid, you listened to one episode of Joe Rogan. Maybe you didn't even know it was on in the background.

And you came out of that acid trip and you say that I'm moving to Austin. How close am I to correct on all of this? It was mushrooms. Mushrooms, there you go. Good enough. Absolutely. What do you think is going to happen here?

This is your first time doing stand-up. Yes, it is. Did you practice in front of a mirror or to yourself? What was your method for preparing for this set? Well, actually, I tell my jokes to people that don't know that I'm telling jokes to them.

These people? Right here? Like, Thursday, on Thanksgiving, since I don't know a single person in this city, I went for a longboard downtown and I was just skating around

and I found this cool hill with a little spiral thing around it. And I was just skating down it over and over and running back up the hill and... What'd you ask me? Hold on, do you hear that? What was that? Did you hear that?

Wait, who is that? Oh! Okay. It's Joe Rogan, acid flashbacks who are joking about here. D-Madness is back, everybody. He takes a bathroom break every once in a while. I like to call him P-Madness

when nobody's around. Can I get a fist bump? I do, for a lot more reasons than you, though, sir. Oh, shit. D-Madness just got somebody pregnant in the men's room. I don't know what's going on. Oh, I think so. All right.

You don't want to really know the real reason, so let's just not talk about it. Oh, shit. Damn. All right. I like your style. Yeah, he did. He refused to sit down for a while and then he fucking...

All right. So, Wesley, what's something crazy about you that we would need to know before letting you go? It's a real fun fact that's going to win you over because you once accomplished something, right? You once did something. You once saved somebody's life or something like that. Anything?

Something? You're famous for something in back in Pittsburgh? You ever see a dead body? You were the Geico caveman? No. I'm known for rolling a really good blunt. That's about it.

You roll a really good blunt? Yeah. I'm not an ANT, I know what you're talking about. All right. There he goes, Wesley McElhaney, everybody. Here you go. Here's a little joke book. Go prepare. What the fuck was that, Hans?

I think we just touched our autistic ponytail together. Oh, my God. I'm moving around, Rock. No, you're not. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Nick Ware.

Nick Ware. Wesley McElhaney. Here he is. One more time for Nick. Hello. Austin is so much fun to be here. I am visiting from Nashville. And I've noticed

Nashville doesn't have its own sushi roll, right? Named after itself. Like nationally. So, the Philadelphia roll is salmon,

avocado, cream cheese. I feel like Nashville's roll would just be hot chicken and the dash of tears, the failed country singers. There you go. So, I mean, hey, it's a sushi roll that Bachelorettes would

throw up on the sidewalk or Broadway. So, I have a type. I think everyone has a type when you're dating, right? My type is single moms. I love milvs. You know? The last one I was with,

when we would finish having sex, she'd give me a Capri Sun. Yeah. On one night, I was like, why the go-gurt? And she said, because you gave me a go-gurt. Thank you. Wow. Holy shit.

Nick Ware, everybody. Nick, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, correct? Correct. Nice to meet you, man. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've only been doing it since the beginning of the year. The beginning of the year? What made you start now? I, you know,

COVID and shit. Okay. Why not? How old are you? I am 28. What were you doing your whole life? What do you do for a living? I work for a pharmaceutical company. Oh, okay. A big one? Yes. I do not want a name.

Are you vaccinated? I am. Are you really vaccinated? I am vaccinated, baby. I heard that the CEO of Pfizer isn't vaccinated and he couldn't get into Jerusalem because he wasn't vaccinated. You're dead serious.

I know you heard it, but it's not true. I mean, I have never heard that. But honestly, I don't care. Like, Pfizer, in my organization, Pfizer is like the worst to work with. Oh, okay. So you're Moderna. All right, we got to figure it out.

There you go, baby. I love it. You make a lot of money working for pharmaceuticals? I make decent money. Really? What are we talking about? What's the ballpark here? A couple hundred thousand a year? 9 million? Lower. Really? Like 50. I'm inside sales, man.

Okay. You look by yourself? No. I have roommates. How many roommates? Two. Two roommates. What do they do? They're both mechanical engineers. All right.

Three-bedroom place or someone's in the living room? Dude, look, I actually handle all of the work. I'm like the mom and the dad of the house. Well, that's perfect. Like, I do the yard work and I wash the dishes. Okay. So you do everything around the apartment.

I'm glad that I asked you about this. This is good. We're going to get somewhere with this. So you do all the work around that. Do you do those guys laundry or anything like that? Actually, one of them, yes. Holy shit, dude. Oh, my God. There you go. That's the right sound effect for this guy.

I deal with man-children, okay? Wow. How old are they? Your age? Around. And you're the responsible one? Yes. What ethnicity are you? I'm white as far as I know. All right. Perfect. Just white. All right.

Yeah. Thank you. He believes me. It works. I love it. Do the other two roommates, do they ever bully you? Do they call you names or anything like that? Actually, I'm the one that bullies them.

Yeah. You're like, fuck you. I did your laundry, you pussy. Hey, look, doing that in a way, it kind of makes you the alpha of the house. No, it does not. Welcome to another episode

of No It Does Not with me, Tony Hinchcliff. Here we are. A great episode for you today in which definitely no in no way under any circumstances. Tony, can I ask you a question? Nope. Nope.

I don't take questions by guys that do their roommates laundry, bro. Sorry. I don't take questions from anybody, but I'm definitely not taking your fucking question. What do you like to do for fun? You work in pharmaceuticals, you have roommates, there must be some

escape for you, right? I like to hang out with my dog. You know, take her for walks. So... I love you. I love that D-Madness hit that note, too. Did you guys hear that? I've never heard the bass come in on that sad

song before. That was powerful, dude. All right. All right, man. I don't even know where to fucking go with you. All right, dude. Interesting. So you've been doing stand-up for that long.

Didn't you do stand-up? Does it go good for you? Other places? I mean, you know, it's fun back home in Nashville. In Nashville? That's right. You did talk about that. You talked about the sushi roll and the tears of the country singers. Why Nashville? I mean, that's where I grew up.

That's where I'm from. You stayed there? Right in the heart of the city? Well, the south side. Little rough. Little rough. No, I don't think little... Anyway...

All right. You might not know that part of Nashville. All right, Nick. All right, thank you. There he goes. Nick where, everybody? Nick, here, take a little joke book with you. Nick, Nick, Nick, catch this. Catch it.

Oh, Nick. It hit you right in the chest. Oh, shit, dude. Shit. Shit. That's crazy. The thing that this special needs guy stole the show tonight. It's just amazing, right?

These other people are like, fuck! That shit's hard. Not Jared. Jared Nathan came in here. When you don't feel anything, you don't have nerves. Okie dokie.

Ron Martin is next. The real Ron Martin everybody. All right. Ron Martin. Anybody moving? Is there someone? No? Yes?

Oh, here he comes, everybody. It's Ron Martin, everyone. Hell yeah. Thank you. So have you guys heard that Elon Musk, among many things, is working on a brain implant? It's going to drill a hole in our heads.

I don't know what you guys think about that. I think that's pretty scary. But there might be a better way. I was finding out that they've recently discovered more brain cells on our heart. And that makes sense. Decisions can come from the heart.

Then they found more brain cells on our guts. Like a ship brain. And I think that ship brain might be pretty important, because I don't know about you guys, but I get gut instincts. So I think if Elon Musk

gets together with Jeff Bezos, instead they could shape the implant like that cockroach he flies around in, and they just jam it right up our ass. Now you got internet. All right. He put the mic back in the mic stand. I like it.

It took us a while to get there, but I guess we got there in the end. Ron Martin, fuck yeah. I like your style, dude. What's going on here? What are we watching? You've been doing stand-up a while? I've been doing stand-up just a little over one minute now.

One minute. So that was indeed your first time. Wow. Very exciting. What made you want to do this tonight? Uh... You seem like a very smart man. You seem like you're too smart for this room. It's just the glasses. The whole time I was thinking to myself,

this is going to be good. I was wrong, but... Come on. But you have that on-stage presence where it seems like something really great is about to happen. He's like an engineer. He's about to give an Apple speech for the new iPhone.

What do you do for work, Ron Martin? I'm an Uber driver. Oh, shit, really? Damn. You do early mornings, late nights. What's your jam? Yeah, I do a lot of the late nights. UberX? What are we, a Subaru?

I have a Hyundai Sonata hybrid and an Expedition for doing Excel. Oh, you have an Excel as well. Holy shit. So you're a pretty legit driver. Yeah, and I like the Expedition because if I get enough people, I can practice my jokes. Yeah. Oh, shit.

So you're just bombing in the Expedition. Yeah, that's right. When I get an UberXL, I tell them to shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? It ain't happening today, guys. Roll the window up. They don't have one of those windows in UberXLs, but I say it anyway.

It gets my point across. Roll the divider up. So, Ron, how long you been driving for? About two and a half years. Okay, what were you doing before that? Putting windshields in cars? Okay. Okay.

That's an interesting gig. Is that like the family business or something like that? No, no, I just paid in the bills. Okay. It was rough. All right, Hans, Kim, what do you think about this whole situation? I like that he used to put windshield in cars and now he has windshields on his face. Hans, I swear to God, I'm going to beat the shit out of you

if you make another joke like that. How many do you think I should beat the shit out of Hans right now? No, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I love the look. Again, the looks on some people's faces of concern out there, just priceless. Real humans here tonight.

Ron, you're a real guy. Do you have like a family or something? You look so proper. Yeah, yeah, I got a small family. One brother, a cousin in Arizona, a cousin in Florida. Okay, that kind of family. All right, hell yeah.

You a fan of music? Have you seen a lot of bands? Have you seen a lot of live shows? No, I've been coming here most Mondays. Coming where? To see your show. Oh, okay. Yeah, I've been here about four months. I moved from Dallas.

Oh, sweet, you just moved here. Yeah, so I haven't really done too much. What do you like about Austin that's different than Dallas? Well, so I had a guy in my Uber and he was telling his friends about different towns in Texas. I didn't really know what he was talking about. I didn't really know what he was talking about. I knew Dallas, that was it.

So I heard him say San Antonio was a real clean city. But the girls were ugly. And then he got to Dallas and he said, Dallas, it's just like fake tits and credit cards. And after four years of living there, I thought, fuck yeah, this guy's right. So I'm going to Austin.

Fake tits and credit cards. What's Austin? Well, they say it's weird, but for me it's just, I talk to them all the time when I drive around. I love to hear how they talk about how, you know, this used to be all cows and stuff. And one thing I noticed is that they're all really accepting of all the people

that have come in and sort of overloaded the city because that's why it is what it is. It's like the mix of the two. And so I felt really welcome. Like the first night I got here, I went in Uber and I was like, these people are all so awesome. But I was prepared to not be accepted because I didn't want to be just another guy

who was born in LA and then ended up getting on the bandwagon. So I didn't want to drive everyone's property tax up. So I live in a trailer. It's down by the airport. I towed it here. See, yeah, some people appreciate that. I love that.

You were born and raised in LA? Yeah, born in Van Nuys, in Santa Clarita. What made you move to Dallas in the first place? I went to a convention on building techniques. I was flipping houses and I met a girl, so I just ended up hanging out.

You're not with her anymore? No. What happened there? She drank a lot, which is fun, but then she would drink a little more and that wasn't. What's the worst thing that ever happened with her drinking?

Oh my God. Could we start with some of the best? Yeah. We'd like to go to the free concerts and we'd stay late and just drink all the wine that we had and sometimes some we found and if you stayed late enough everyone would leave and then we'd just

fuck right there out in the middle of the park. Wow. Frightening. Frightening. You do sort of have a nudist colony vibe to you now that I think about it. The belly like that, that's the vibe that I'm getting.

Maybe you're not that proper after all. Okay, so that's fun. So you'd have sex. All right. What was some of the bad stuff that would happen with the drinking? Oh, just getting locked out of the house,

sleeping in my truck and having to... sleeping in my truck because I just wanted to get like two hours of sleep before I went to work, so yeah. Wow, yeah, that's a nightmarish. That's bad stuff. Yeah, Hans?

I mean, I sleep in my van all the time. It's not that bad. Good point, good point. Okay, Ron, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go? Any fun facts about Ron Martin? I was the honeycomb kid. You were what?

The honeycomb kid on TV. I grew up in L.A. Like the honeycomb, holy shit. Wait for the commercial? Really? Like if we looked up the honeycomb kid, your picture would pop up? It's on YouTube, yeah.

There's like a lot of us. Oh, there's a lot of them. I thought it was like a Gerber baby thing or something like that where there was just one. The honeycomb kid. Which one? Is that you on the old one there in the yellow background? It's super old, yeah.

Is that you? No, that's not it. It was one of the first commercials on MTV. I told all my friends in high school that there was going to be this TV show and it was going to be all about music. And they said, do you even hear yourself? And so then like a year later, it came out and I was like, see motherfuckers?

And I was on it. Wow, look at that growing up in Van Nuys. This is you playing baseball? No, no, you can hear the music. It has cheesy music. There's too many of them. I'm sure someone will fucking find it. Alright.

Well, Ron, you're adorable. Congratulations. You made it on Kill Tony. Sign up. Do it again. Take a joke book. Ron, take one of those. Put that in the expedition, my friend. What do you guys think? Should we go to this bucket again, huh?

Alright. Seems like you sort of want to do it. Yeah, we're going to get to that. Oh, we're going to get to that. Ben Bankus is next on Kill Tony. Let's see what happens here. There's a little pop from the comedians section there. That's usually a good sign.

Here he is, everybody. Put your hands together one more time for Ben Bankus. Yo, what up? I'm from Canada too, but I'm not retarded. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, we got legal weed in Canada,

which seems good, but it's weird because we have warnings on the label of weed. Like, I had this weed and said, may cause schizophrenia. I was like, this is some good shit, dude. This is some schizophrenia cushion right here. I had this other weed and said,

pregnant mothers who use cannabis may contain THC in their breast milk. I was like, I want to suck on this bitch's titties. That sounds... sounds incredible. You guys ever get high and watch YouTube? You ever so high watching YouTube, you accidentally watch

a 12-minute Toyota ad? Yeah. That's fantastic work. Fantastic work. I literally thought I was the only one that did that. And it turns out, I guess everybody does that. That's wild.

Why is observation? It's always a sign of a really good joke, is when it's something like that. How long have you been on stand up? Ten years. I sense that. Absolute control of the room. Acknowledge the fucking incident

from earlier. What part of Canada are you from? I'm from Toronto, Canada. Absolutely. Toronto, big booming bustling. The only place really in Canada? Very fun. Yeah, absolutely. Jared's my little brother. Vancouver's cool too, right? Pardon me?

It's kind of gay. It's charming in some ways. But Winnipeg, you can admit, you've been to Winnipeg, right? You've never even been there? Fucking hell, dude. Wow, that's wild. It's like a more expensive flight from Toronto to Winnipeg than to come here.

Yeah, fuck that. And there's nothing there. Except Jared's family. Which is a nice family. I love Jared. He's my good friend. You guys are friends? Yeah. Alright, awesome. That's great. Absolutely.

What do you do for work, Ben? I got a Patreon. My girlfriend has a job. I don't know, she's paying for shit right now. That's great. What does she do? She is like the host of a financial news show. She like interviews billionaires

casually in the living room while I fucking jerk off with the door closed. Damn, look at that. Absolutely incredible. She does. What a life. What do you like to do for fun? Ugh.

I don't know, I fucking... Since I've been here I've been making sketches. We did a sketch with Jared and I did a sketch where he's the Omicron variant. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Wow, how did people find that?

Where would people find that at? On Instagram, you can go to my Instagram at benbankist2. I have my first Instagram deleted by the Canadian Chinese government. That's b-a-n-k-a-s. Yeah, b-a-n-b-a-n-k-a-s. The number two.

The number two. He also has a number three. I have a number three just in case. There you go. I already know what happened the first fucking time. And how long have you been in America? What's going on?

Month and a half now. All right. What are you thinking? How long are you going to stay for? I'd like to fucking live here. What's the rule with that? How long are you allowed out? Six months less a day from entry. Okay.

What happens if you show up on that six month day after the day before? Then I'm banned from America for three years. Oh, shit. Wow, that's crazy. Can you get it like a work visa? Can we hire you to sweep up the place? Yeah.

I'm half Jewish so I did speak with a lawyer earlier today. That is good. And he said that that is a possibility. Wow, look at that. Gotta love it. All right, Ben. We had Ben actually on The Secret Show last week he fucking destroyed and I would like to have you back

this week also. Oh, wow, look at that. Look at that, Ben. Another great appearance. Have a joke book. This is from The Great Bones Eye. Sweet. It's priceless, especially in Canada. Yeah, they don't have...

We don't have books. Yeah. Ben, thank you so much. Unbelievable set. Ben Bankus, everybody. He's on social media. Ben Bankus. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's come to that time where I have to bring up one of the regulars on this show,

the only regular that will be performing here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, he has the record for the longest standing regular in the history of the show. Just started his own show. He's been opening for Joe Rogan.

He's been opening for a bunch of great comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. A brand new minute from The Great William Montgomery. I recently took

my son to the gun show. He could barely clinch my muscles. You'll know that scene in The Godfather when I wake up next to a horse's head. Was that a real horse? I've started chaperoning proms across the country. Normally my favorite part is when the DJ plays

Adam Song by Blink 182. I'm kidding. I actually just work at a Chuck E. Cheese and play Adam Song when I clean up at night. Probably one of the hardest things about being in high schools pretending to be chili peppers. I'm kidding.

I'm actually just trying to form a bond with my high school age co-workers at Chuck E. Cheese and they all really like the red-eyed chili peppers. You've heard of Mr. Steal Your Girl. I'm more like Colonel Abductor Baby Mama. Okay, that's all I got. William Montgomery. Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke, choke.

How are you? Absolutely great. Good to see you, sir. Nice to see you too. How's it going? I love that. Things are really actually looking up. I was kind of down last week. I just downloaded Grand Theft Auto's

San Andreas. And I've played it 16 hours in the past two days, I would guess. I fucking love it. Just riding around with the fuck and my gang members just shooting everyone. Are you playing in the storyline version or the live

online live? I'm playing the storyline. Okay. Yeah, just getting in my fucking car that I've modded out just with my gang members just fucking shooting everyone. You've joined a gang on the on the game? Oh yeah, I'm pretty much the head

of a gang. Shit, what? It's really exciting. We just fucking all pile up in the car and fucking just start shooting people. What types of people are in your gang? Is there a specific ethnicity? It's mainly African-Americans. Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's pretty cool. I'm pretty much the head. And you're the leader of this? Yeah, I'm the leader of the gang. It's like all these black guys. Like all these really tough black guys. I'm getting a tattoo later tonight, I think. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've saved up enough money where I can get a tattoo tonight, so I'm going to do that immediately after this.

What are you going to get a tattoo of? I don't know. I think a big weed leaf on my chest, I'm thinking. I'm really excited. I might get a gold chain. I noticed a gold chain in one of the stores last night. I didn't have enough money. I think I'm going to buy that when I get back to my house.

I think I'm going to get it. I mean, it is it's a lot of work being the head of this gang. It really is. There's all these people I have to keep up with. It's kind of a fucking nightmare some of the time. But I swear to God, when we get in that fucking car and start shooting mother fuckers, it makes it all right.

I mean, it's so exhilarating doing it. I can't even, I can't even begin to tell y'all how exciting it is for me. It's really brought some purpose to my fucking life. I really needed it. I've been at a point in my life where I've really needed some excitement like that and I fucking found it.

Being the head of this fucking all black gang. How were you able to convince these black men to let you be the leader? I point a fucking gun at their head and say, mother fucker, I'm gonna fucking shoot your goddamn head if you don't join the gang.

It's sometimes I fucking shoot them. Sometimes they don't join the gang. It had to fucking shoot them. I don't like doing it, but I do it. I shot 10 people yesterday. I don't like doing it, but I do it.

I shot 10 fucking people yesterday. I couldn't go to sleep last night. Seriously, it haunts you. People don't tell you about that. You start murdering everybody. It haunts you. I can't fucking sleep at night now. I couldn't fucking sleep last night. I'm tired of shit right now.

I'm tired of shit right now. But yeah, I think I might get the gold chain when I get back. So you're literally having trouble sleeping at night from the people that you're killing on Grand Theft Auto's San Andreas? Yeah, pretty much.

Now, have you played like the latest Grand Theft Auto game, like Grand Theft Auto 5? Red Band is a very great point that there are Grand Theft Autos long after San Andreas. But this is, for those of you that don't know, an old version of the game. Like 20 years?

Barely available anymore. It was re-released, and it's like shit and stuff. Well, I didn't fucking know that, Red Band. Seriously, I didn't fucking realize that, so I'm sorry. It's a little bit antsy as I'm in sleeping. Yeah. I am antsy as shit right now. Have you been doing anything to try to help you

get to sleep after killing people, on Grand Theft Auto? No, I haven't. Do you kill a lot of innocent people, or is it mostly just people that had it coming? I think last night I killed 15 innocent bystanders

in the drive-bys. Yeah, I fucking easily killed 15. Did you get a hooker yet in Grand Theft Auto? Yeah, I got three last night. Whoa! What do you do with these hookers in the video game? We're fucking in the backseat. Oh my goodness.

In the backseat of my fucking car! Wow. Did you kill them and steal their money afterwards? Yeah, I got them with the knife. Whoa! The rare knife-killing, hard to do on Grand Theft Auto. You have to really, like, commit to an angle.

Yep, I would go right for the heart every time, and I was pretty good at it. Wow. I stabbed three of them in the fucking heart last night. Try going to sleep after that. All right, William. So, for those of you that don't know, William got sober, I believe it was what,

six months ago now? That's been, like, six months. Wow, six months. This guy was in shambles. Six nightmarish months. And he got off the alcohol and became addicted to raisin bread.

How much raisin bread have you eaten since last week, since the last Monday's episode? My, my hemorrhoid issue, I still feel I felt it earlier when I took a shower before this. That's right, we found out last week he has a hemorrhoid problem. I actually couldn't

do the raisin bread. I've literally, I've started drinking a ton of prune juice. That shit is so expensive. I said that last week that a bottle is six fucking dollars. So you still have the hemorrhoid? You haven't popped it yet?

You still have the hemorrhoid? You still have it? Yeah, there's still a hemorrhoid in my ass. I still have a hemorrhoid in there, Redman. The fuck are you talking about, Redman? Seriously, I don't know what the fuck,

why would you ask me then for all these fucking people? Wow. You gotta love it. I'm sorry, William. Thank you. Hans, William is your brother in crime. He has been sharing duties cold opening for Joe Rogan, one of the biggest touring acts

in the world right now. What's it like, what's it like your life with William? William is such a nice older brother. I respect him and I love him to the utmost degree. It kind of concerns me that you're doing Grand Theft Auto. I just hope that you

don't have any real guns because I think that could be a problem. I have two unregistered pistols in my trunk right now. Oh, wow. Where'd you get the unregistered pistols? I think I told you I was under a bridge. I found this very nice man

and bought two fucking pistols. It cost a bunch of money but I need protection now. There was a second there. I noticed that my ranch guy over here had a real serious look on his face. He was genuinely concerned. You're such a character that sometimes you can fool these newbies

out here, William. You know that. What, do you really think I have a fucking gun in my trunk? You think I have two fucking unregistered weapons in my trunk? I'm a felon. I can't have two fucking unregistered guns. I'm a felon! What are you a felon?

What were you convicted of? I was stealing stuff. Oh, wow. My goodness. What did you steal? Oh, there's a wink. We haven't seen one of these. This is a very patented... We've seen this before.

Every time he winks, you might hear a little twinkle. There it is. Whoa. Whoa. Wow, he's really giving them out. Okay, alright. Ladies and gentlemen,

that was William Montgomery, everybody. He did it again. Another unbelievable set. Before we go tonight, I think there's just one more mission that we should accomplish. Let's get Christina Mariani up here

and Jared Nathan, everybody. Let's end tonight's episode with a fucking bang. With some good old accordion and here he is, everybody. Jared Nathan's back, everyone.

Now, Jared, let me ask you something. Grab that microphone real quick. Is there anything else that we could do for you that you could possibly want that could make this tonight any better for you? Like a pizza or something like that?

Or like a box of crayons perhaps? What do you think? Is it a perfect night for you? How do you feel right now? Excellent. Wonderful. Amazing.

I love it. Amazing. That is true. We do have a gift card for you to go to the red rose or the yellow rose if you want. Yeah. After the show.

Are you dancing to take us home tonight? A big episode? All right. Jared Nathan's going to dance. Christina. Is there any way to set it up or you want to play with a band or anything? Is there any way to...

All right. Playing the accordion. Christina Mariani. And dancing us all the way back to an end of an episode. Jared Nathan, don't dance yet, Jared. Wait for the music, Jared. No, you're excited, Jared. He looks excited.

Christina Mariani. Everyone, go right ahead, Christina. Playing the accordion. Sold out. Vulcan Gas Company. This is... This is... This is Kill Tony.

If you're wondering what a perfect end of an episode looks like, this is what it looks like. This is what it sounds like. A little bit of accordion. A little bit of... Oh, he's doing the punching bag over here. He's doing the fucking speed bag.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Wow. Uh-oh. Oh, he's not a breath. Oh, shit. The fake jump rope. Oh, the bow down.

I believe he's smothering a woman, everybody. I think he's smothering. It's the pillow over her head. Dance moves. Oh, that's the... I'm peeking through your window. Oh, okay. Well, I guess that's that. Let's get it again. Christina Mariani.

The great and brand-new debut of Jared Nathan. Jared, one more question for you. Jared. Jared, what... Is there something you need back in...

What are the odds of getting you to stay in Texas? What would it take to convince... The guy before us earlier said that you get six months off if you want it. How would you get that? I'm going to send you a check from Canada. Call my mom. Call your mom?

All right, that's the saddest possible answer that I've ever heard. I didn't think it was going to come to that. You take chances at a live show. You have to... Should we call your mom right now? Sleepy. What? Whoa, no, no.

Are you going to be here next week? Are you going to be here next Monday? I'm going to give you an automatic minute next Monday as well. Yeah. There we go. We'll do baby steps. Hopefully mom sends his medication or whatever

from Canada. Incredible. One more time for Jared Nathan, everybody. He's got his joke book, his glasses, his sweating bullets up here, living the goddamn American dream. Looking like if David Tell was a drowning victim.

How about a hand for the great Hans Kim, everybody? Follow him at Hans Kim. What's your social media? Tell these people. DJ Hans Kim. DJ Hans Kim. And how about one more time for the band, everybody. The screwball peanut butter whiskey girl Tony band. Matt Mueling, Michael Gonzalez

and D Madness. And, uh, yeah, we did it. Oh, yeah. The great drawing from Ryan J. Belt is in. It's Hans Kim with all of us. Super, super cool. All those prints are available. RyanJBelt.com.

And, uh, yeah. Thank you guys so much for coming out, Austin, Texas. We'll see you guys again soon. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.