KILL TONY - #536 - WILLIAM MONTGOMERY

Episode Date: December 18, 2021

William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, Michael Lehrer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/06/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—MacGruber is back! Based on the iconic Saturday Night Live sketch and cult classic movie, the Peacock Original series stars Will Forte, Kristin Wiig, Ryan Philippe, Sam Elliott, Laurence Fishburne and Billy Zane. Binge the entire first season of MacGruber December sixteenth, only on Peacock. Go to Peacock-TV.com to sign up!

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com

and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for TonyHinchCliff. Austin, come on, this is a live podcast. You have to make a bunch of noise. Are you guys ready to do this shit tonight? Fuck yeah. Another day at the office. Mixed noise for Red Band everybody. Hey everybody. Creator of podcast. How about a hand for that amazing band, huh? That is the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. It's the great Michael Gonzalez on drums.

Our friend Matt Mueling on guitar. Dee Madness on bass. And the return of John Dees back from that tour life. I love that. He's got his own chance and everything. We're excited to be here. Another fun, fun, fun night planned in our hometown of Austin, Texas. And yeah, what else? You're looking really nice tonight. You got your little sweater on. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Turtle neck. Yeah, another turtle neck.

Thank you so much, sir. Absolutely. You're teaching the audience to contribute. I like that. Yeah, no, this is actually the episode that's going to air on the week of Christmas. Yeah. Sorry, Jews. There you go. Uh, yeah. Blavity, blah, blah, blah. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. When the moment for intimacy arrives, you need to be ready. Roman ready.

Whether you've been in a relationship for years or just getting started, having the confidence that comes from preparation means you're free to enjoy the moment when that moment comes. Even though you are far from ordinary, the truth is that ED is really common. In fact, 52% of guys between the ages of 40 and 70 experienced some form of erectile dysfunction. You can go to GetRoman.com slash Tony now to speak to a U.S. licensed healthcare professional about erectile dysfunction. And you'll get $15 off your first month of treatment. ED is more common than, hey, Red Band, you're between the ages of 40 and 70. You have any idea what this stuff's about?

Oh, I know all about it. And the benefits of ED treatment can help you reconnect with your partner and rediscover the joy of sex. Roman's system is completely confidential and totally discreet. When you get your package at the door, there's no big logos or labels on the packages. With Roman, you can get a free online evaluation and ongoing care for erectile dysfunction, all from the confidence and privacy of your home. A U.S. licensed healthcare professional will work with you to find the best treatment plan. If medication is appropriate, it ships to you free with two-day shipping.

The whole process is straightforward, convenient, and discreet. Ooh, getting started is simple. Just go to GetRoman.com slash Tony and complete an online visit. Take care of your ED without leaving your home. Complete an online visit today to connect to a U.S. licensed healthcare professional and take care of it. Go to GetRoman.com slash Tony today. And if you're prescribed, get $15 off your first month of ED treatment. Make sure you're ready to have the confidence and control this fall.

Or Roman ready. Spread the word, you friggin' turds. McGroober is back. After rotting in prison for more than a decade, America's ultimate hero and Uber Patriot is released to take on one final mission. McGroober's old nemesis, Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth, is intent on destroying the free world. And the U.S. government knows that there is only one man who can stop him.

With the help of his old team, Vicki St. Elmo and Dixon Piper, McGroober sets out to save the day. One throat rip at a time. Classic McGroober red band, you know all about this. Oh man, I can't wait. I love McGroober. I can't wait to start binging on it. I love the whole cast too. It's based on that iconic Saturday Night Live sketch

and cult classic movie that I've seen many times. The Peacock Original Series stars Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Ryan Phillips, Sam Elliott, Lawrence Fishburne and Billy Zane binge the entire season of McGroober, December 16th. It's only on Peacock. Only on Peacock. Go to peacock-tv.com to sign up one more time.

That's Peacock-tv.com to sign up now. If you're over the age of 21, I want to tell you about Yo Kratom, the home of the $60 kilo. If you like Kratom, then this is for you. If you don't like Kratom, then just ignore what we're talking about. But Yo Kratom is the home of the $60 kilo. How much? $60.

For what? A full kilo. That's right. If you're currently a fan of Kratom, you're getting it from our newest sponsor Yo Kratom for just $60 a kilo. If you aren't a fan of Kratom, then ignore this ad. The fact that Yo Kratom has a high-quality Kratom for just $60 a kilo has no relevance to your life. But if you are a fan of Kratom,

then it's time to stop overpaying or having to go to corner stores or creepy gas stations to get it. One more time, thank you to Yo Kratom for supporting the show. And if you're into Kratom, Yo Kratom is the one place where you can find $60 kilos. These guys are one of the biggest Kratom wholesalers

and they created YoKratom.com so that you can buy directly at incredible prices. So go get those incredible prices if you're into Kratom. It's YoKratom.com, home of the $60 kilo. All right, you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Or what? I love it.

Kill Tony, brought to you by the Yellow Rose, the Red Rose, C.M. Smokehouse, and Blue Norther Vodka Seltzer. Every single week, I have one of the funniest or two of the funniest comedians in the world, whoever's available, the best possible guest, and this week is no different. Ladies and gentlemen,

for the first time in the show's history, I present to you Santa Claus. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. All the way from the North Pole, throwing out candy canes. We were able to get them. A lot of people said it couldn't be done. The real Santa Claus,

it appears as though he has an elf with him, ladies and gentlemen. Firing off candy canes. Look at this cheer. How about a hand for... Let's give it up, give it up for my dwarf, please. It's the real life Santa Claus, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever.

Santa, welcome to the show. It is so nice to be here. Give a round of applause for my dwarf. He doesn't always come with me when I come visit places. You mean your elf? Is that what you call him, a dwarf? No, no, we call him dwarves up in the North Pole. With a V.

In case y'all were wondering. Yeah, he's like 200 years old, his name is Oscar. That guy's 200? He's 200 years old, his name is Oscar. He's really sweet, so really glad he could make it. I love it. Santa Claus, welcome to the show. We're pumped to have you.

You know how this works. You're a fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show, so yes. Really excited to be here. Oscar is also a big fan of the show. He is so excited. He's just starting to hear his fucking little ass when he's talking in the toy factory.

I have to lean over. It's just hard to hear his voice. Well, we're going to find out what goes on tonight. Santa Claus watching stand-up comedians live in Austin, Texas. Try their hardest for one minute of pop. A bunch of them signed up before the show. Ton of names in this bucket. You know they're 60 seconds up and you're the son of a kitten.

Then they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear all the way from Hollywood. It's a real-life bear that comes out if they go over their time. You guys understand what you're at? It's a stand-up comedy show where there's time limits. Then we talk to them afterwards and interview them and talk about their life. You guys ready to start the show?

Let's fucking do it. Yeah, we'll do that. To start tonight's show, one of our favorites, ladies and gentlemen, a regular here on Kill Tony. Made a regular here in Austin, here with another brand-new 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, Hans Kim is here. Here we go. Hey, what's up, guys?

My name is Hans Kim and I'm pretty sexually active right now. Hey, why do they call it scissoring? I've never used scissors like this. They should call it stacking chairs or storing tweezers. I used to really love Chinese food until it started a global pandemic. I'll stick with Mexican food from now on. Burritos have never prevented me from seeing tenet in theaters. I feel like people are afraid to blame China for the coronavirus

because they don't want to appear racist, but I say, let them have it. They deserve it. You know, Chinese people love wet markets so much they even put their Uyghurs in them. People are like, oh, look, China can build a hospital in ten days. Yeah, if you're eating bats and penguins, you better be able to build a hospital in ten days.

All right, thank you. Wow. Hans Kim, everybody, with a brand-new minute. That was pretty racist against Asians, if you ask me. What the hell was that? I know. I love it. What do you love about it? What do you love about it? Just the rawness and how it's so sharp and pointed

and it gets everyone reacting. All right, you just described a sword, which could be the most Asian thing you've done since you got up here. I love this well-dressed, Hans Kim. What the fuck is going on? Thank you, Tony. I love this. This is incredible. I didn't realize they had funerals at squid games.

It's like Reservoir Dong. Reservoir Dong? Is that what you said? Holy shit. Well, you know, there's a reservoir in my dong because, like, I haven't had sex in a long time. Wow. So I decided to make an effort.

There's a reservoir. I love how you tried to use that as a segue. Well, it's funny you should ask, Tony. There is a reservoir in my dong, having gotten laid lately. You think that's where it compiles up in your wiener? I mean, eventually it all ends up there, right? I mean, it doesn't really end up there. It kind of just uses it like a gutter or something.

It doesn't really just go into your dick and stay there. Yeah, it's kind of a mess down there. What does that mean exactly? When you say that it's a mess down there, what do you mean? Deep madness is plugging his ears. And by the way, that says a lot, because that's pretty much like 80% of his senses. I've been masturbating pretty frequently.

It's seen a lot of action, but it's not, like, sort of the action that I want. So... When you masturbate, do you use your cell phone? You're in your van? It has to be tricky always being one other side of the wall from a normal human being just living their life. Actually, I mean, I think it's better than having a roommate

because I can just blast the sound. Is that what you were gonna say? Yeah. The sound? I'm just blasting it on 6th Street. Oh, I see. You're saying blast the sound of a porno. Yeah.

Okay. I haven't worn headphones to watch porn in about, like, a year. I don't think I've done it for, like, 40 years, so... Well, you have a house. That is true. He got you. Burn. You have a house.

I mean, I've also mostly had apartments and, like, you know, I'm an adult. Don't live in my car. So do you just tell your girlfriend, don't come here. I'm gonna be blasting porn. Oh, she holds the camera. Wait, why would there be a camera with you, Red Bandit?

That sounds like something no one would want to watch. Only fans will prove you wrong. I love it. Hans, Santa Claus, what do you think about this guy? Actually, well, about that, all the doors and I were always watching... We're always watching your porn, Red Band. Yeah. We love it.

Yeah, we live in an igloo up there. It's a lot of porn of Red Band jacking off. It's actually pretty weird, but yeah, we watch it. Doors and I, we love it. Santa Claus, what do you think about the jokes of Hans Kim here tonight? I liked him. I actually don't go to China a lot to drop off presents.

It's a long story, but I don't go to China anymore. They don't have Christmas in China anymore. I don't know if y'all knew that. Is that true? Yeah, it's a brand new thing this year. There's no Christmas in China. Whoa. I refused to go to China after the debacle last year

with that old virus thing. It was a nightmare in the fucking igloo with all the toys and the little dwarves. God, they were all sick. Yeah, I'm not going to China this year. That's incredible. The Olympics are pulling out. The diplomatic committee pulled out today.

And Santa Claus. And Santa Claus. Yeah, I'm not fucking going there. You can't make me go to China. Okay. Let's keep moving along here. Hans, anything else happened this week that we need to know about in your normal life?

I moved out of my friend's house. I'm living in the van like 24 seven now. So, you know, I parked at Krieg Field. Probably shouldn't have said that. Oh, the autism flows through him, ladies and gentlemen. Probably shouldn't have said that. Like, that was him that said that. You might think we should have that as a sound effect for him.

Probably shouldn't have said that. You can play it when he says stuff that he shouldn't have said. Amazing. I dumped my pee bottle in Krieg Park. It's pretty cool. There's like a bridge and then I just dump all my pee in it. Like, what the fuck? This is horrible.

This can't be good for our ecosystem, see? Everybody's wondering if they live down Creek from that place right now. Why is this water taste like kimchi? What color is your pee, Hans? How does that work? Do you have a darker tinge, a lighter? How does that work with you people? I've never seen that.

It's pretty yellow. I usually get a detergent can. I feel like those have the big mouths that can fit the girth. Wow. And it makes it smell better, probably. Yeah, it has a natural coating of detergent. How about number twos? What are you doing for those, dude?

What's going on out there? I recently got a free trial membership at Castle Hill Fitness. Probably shouldn't have said that. Would you like to give out your phone number or perhaps your social security to this audience? My phone number, probably, yeah. So I have seven free days of shitting in a normal toilet, so I'm going to take advantage of that. Seven free days and then what happens? Hans, why are you so poor?

Don't you have Asian parents that send you money? I like to save money, and I also like to just have independence economically, and it's just like I can do a lot of things that I might not be able to if I had a job, like tell people I dumped my pee at Craig Field. What a weird mentality to have. How much are you saving a lot of money? Yeah, I have like $16,000 right now. Well, you shouldn't have said that.

I probably shouldn't have said that. I have $16,000 in my name. My pin code is 3433. My credit card is in my back pocket right now. Probably shouldn't have said that. Saving money, what are you saving this money for? What can you get with $30,000 that you're not getting with $16,000? I mean, a rainy storm, just in case the Omicron might really take away the toilet papers again.

I don't know, I don't like to spend money and I'm happy in a van, I don't... Jeez, Santa sounds like this guy celebrates Hanukkah, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, what the fuck is going on here, Hans? Living in a van with $16,000, come on. God, I'm getting all depressed sitting here, I'm supposed to be on vacation. I went to see the fucking bats earlier, come out from underneath that bridge, it was cool. It was really cool. I was talking with Santa earlier, we went to Terry Blacks earlier in town,

and he said that he's actually thinking about moving here, so he's following the ways of Elon and Joe Ryan. Yeah, well, I'm thinking about it. What music is it coming from, is that you? That's Santa. Alright, Hans, Fun Times, another brand new minute. We absolutely love you, Yorkie Ellen. Thank you, Tony. Stone Cold Assassin.

And the show has begun. Hans makes it look easy, though. This bucket, you're gonna find out if you haven't been here before. Things get treacherous real quick. Some local talent, a lot of first timers, nervous comedians that have been doing it in their hometown and just moved to Austin. A lot of fucking unbelievably hilarious characters. You guys ready to start this fucking thing?

Alright, here we go. Mario Tanti, ladies and gentlemen, is first here tonight on Kill Tony. We know Mario. He's been on this show before. Wow, this is awkward. Ladies and gentlemen, one more minute, one more time for Mario Tanti, everybody. Thank you, thank you. I'm hosting an edging party later, but none of you can come.

You're all invited, though. Do you guys remember when girls with blue hair like to get choked during sex? Now they just get offended when you say retard? Like, is there anything worse than a tattooed white girl with dreadlocks wearing a shirt that says we are all immigrants? Like, go back to Africa, bitch. I just moved here from LA, everything's so woke there. Like, I just heard they're going to make a new non-binary version of Mortal Kombat.

Before each fatality, it's going to say finish they, them. It's also not going to allow male and female characters to fight each other anymore. So now if you want to be a man in a video game that beats up women, you have to play Madden 21. Thank you. Wow, Mario Tanti, hell yeah, man. That was fucking great. Now we know you from Los Angeles.

We've known you for years and years and years, and that seemed to be my favorite set I've ever seen here. Thanks, that was my best set, everyone. There you go, I love that. Right? You feel that way, right? What? You have like a certain confidence right now?

How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years. Okay, and how do you feel about it? You seem like a smart guy that does this because... I'm not too smart. Really? Yeah. I'm kind of dumb, but...

In what ways are you dumb? Can you explain to us? We were just meeting you. That was a stupid thing to say. I don't know why I called myself dumb. I need to stop talking bad about myself. That was a great set, that was fun. Thank you, you were all fun.

Don't clap, stop. The attention makes me feel weird. Alright, Mario, relax. Take it easy. Two and a half years, you seem like a polished comedian. You like Hans? You live in your van? What are we talking about here?

What's your living situation? I just moved here a couple months. A few months ago, I lived with my girlfriend a little up north. Yeah, I just moved from Los Angeles where it's a total shithole. How far north are we talking about? Ten minutes, ten minutes. Alright, that's what Red Bin says, too. Now I love it.

What do you want for Christmas this year, Mario? $5,000, I need $5,000. Okay, we'll work on it. Alright, cool. Okay. My Venmo is Mario Taunty, thank you. Hans has enough money to let you borrow $5,000 three times. He seems stingy with it, though.

We should know that, but we do. So you could ask him three times if you want to. Mario, how do you survive? How do you make money? I work at CM Smokehouse right now. Whoa, I love that! I'm just here to plug them, that's all. Yeah, no, they're fantastic.

I go there. Everybody goes there all the time. It's amazing. What do you do there for them? I make food, so if you've ever been there, I've made your food for you. Alright, I love it. And this girlfriend, how long have you been with her? Since, that's going on six months now.

Okay, so did you meet her in LA? No, I met her here when I was visiting back in March to scope out the scene, and we just kept hanging out. Okay. Now we're together, so. Okay, what does she do? Aw, adorable. It's adorable. What does she do for a living?

She's in hair school right now, and she's also a comedian. Oh, shit, a comedian going to hair school. Look out, everybody. Yikes, sounds like a wild one. I love it, Mario. What else is going on in life? What have you been doing for fun? You love anything about Austin yet?

It's a lot cleaner, it's a lot less chaotic than LA. I don't miss the traffic. I've just been exploring the city and just seeing what it has and different food and drives and stuff like that. Just exploring around, seeing what it has to offer, you know? Have you seen the bats yet? I have seen the bats, I have. Have you eaten anything? Pretty cool.

Well, we do, and are igloo, sometimes with the dwarves. Okay. I love it. Wow. Mario, of all the times that we've had you on this show, what's something that we should know about you that we've never talked about before? When I was 14, I sent my come-in-the-mail to a girl in AOL. Hell yeah. Wait a second.

You sent your come-in-the-mail? That was a loaded sentence, I'm sorry. In the mail? Yeah, we were, well, it was when AOL came out, I was like 14, and we were cyber sex buddies for a while. Found her during, well, using that member directory, right? Yeah, I met her in a Marilyn Manson chat room. And then after a few months, you wanted me to send my come-in-the-mail to her, so... Wow.

Yeah, I did. My goodness. So I did that. How did you prepare it? I got like a plastic tube that had like candy in it, and I ate the candy, and I jerked off into the tube. Are you fucking serious? Yes. Was it like nerds or something like that?

It was like powdered candy, it was like pixie stick dust. And it was in... Like a plastic test tube that had a little cap, I remember that. Right. But it wasn't a screw cap, it was like a pop. Yeah, it was a pop wrap. Oh my goodness. I think I taped it shut.

How did you, did you just shoot it straight into the candy box? Yeah, I think so, yeah. And then I wrote like... You didn't use like a funnel or anything like that? Yeah, you didn't drag it with your finger and tried to like, you know, like... Right. Did it all go in the way you wanted it to? Because sometimes things can be a little off target when it's a tiny little candy tube like that.

Good size load. And how far away is this person? What was the postage on this? So I also wrote like a two page sexually explicit letter to go with the cum, but I was a virgin, so I didn't like know what I was talking about. Yeah, but who's even reading that when there's a tuba cum there? She's already busy playing with the tuba cum, dude. So I put...

Nobody's reading that boring ass letter. So I put the cum in the envelope with the letter and I put a stamp on it and I sent it to Carrie Ann in Georgia. Is that the city? Well, it was like Atlanta area. Douglasville, Georgia to be specific. Jesus, I feel like there's not too many people that that could be. Yeah, you could probably find her on Facebook still, but... All right.

So when you're 14 though, you don't know about postage weight, you know? So one stamp wasn't enough and it got sent back and my mom opened it. Get the fuck out of here. Are you fucking serious? I wish I was making that up. Do you ever talk about this on stage? Yeah, all the time. Really?

Okay, good. Did your mom say this candy tastes like shit? Well, so I came home from school like two days later. I came home from school and she was sitting there at the kitchen table just like ready for me. And as soon as I walked in, she was like, who's Carrie Ann in Georgia? And I was like, oh, my God. I was like, what are you talking about? And she was like, you sent her your cum.

Cool. Are you fucking serious? She read the letter? Yeah, she called it cum because that's what I called it in the letter. Oh my God. And we've never talked about it ever again. You should call her right now and talk to her. You talk to your mom.

Good. We talk. We're good. You have your phone? I do, but it's locked in a bag. Can we get the phone on locker for my friend Mario Tanti? I think this is one of those situations where we have got to call his mom, everybody. There he is.

David Flores, the phone on locker. That's our favorite segment, everyone. Call your mother. Now, everyone has to be really quiet, even if it's funny. Yeah. And you have to put her on, when you hit send, you have to put it on speaker, turn the volume all the way up and put the absolute butt end to your phone up to the microphone. And if sound, if we can get his mic turned on.

What's going on? Is this your real mom? Are you texting somebody? Pretend to be my mom? I'm kidding. I know. Here we go. Hello.

Hi mom. Hi. I'm on a live podcast right now. I can hear you. Can you hear me? I can hear you. Hi. Hi.

Somebody wants to talk to you. No. No. You say remember the time. Okay. So I'm on the podcast, Kill Tony, that you know. Stop giving her that information. Just say remember the time.

Do you remember the time? Yeah, I know. Can you hear me? I can hear you. Do you remember the time when I was 14 and you opened that letter? Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, shit. Mom's playing hard to get about your cum story, dude. Mrs, is it Tanti?

Hi Mrs. Tanti, it's me, Tony. I'm the host of the show that your son's on right now. Can you hear me? I can hear you. Alright. So he just told us a story about him setting a tube of cum to a girl when he was 14 via the mail and then it got sent back to where you live. And we're wondering if you remember this.

Do you remember your son coming in a tube? He's the one that told us. He's a muscle. What'd she say? You're a muscle. Do you remember the tube of cum? Come. Alright, well.

Poor mom. Poor mom has no idea. Ask her if she remembers the tube of cum. Hello. Alright, forget it. You guys talk later. You blew it, mom! What's going to be such an awkward talk later?

Like, no, what would have been perfect was if you were like... She fucking remembers. Yeah, she just doesn't want to talk about it. That's true. Sorry mom, I'm sorry. Very shy. She's more of a shy lady, not like the craziest sense of humor on her, right? Yeah, not so much.

Alright, well Mario, absolutely hilarious jokes of so much fun. You already have a big joke book, right? I don't. Okay, well now you do. Mario Tanti, everybody, there's a big joke book from the Great Bones Live. We got through it. Thank you, thank you. Mario Tanti, everybody.

Fun times. He's actually going to be on The Secret Show next week. Oh, wow. Look at that. Alright. You guys ready to do this again? Here we go. Back to the bucket we go.

Michael Ivy is next. Hell yeah, Michael Ivy. Can I get a jack and diet? You guys having fun out there? You guys get it? Michael Ivy, everybody. My name is Michael Ivy. I'm a weird black guy.

I like magic to gathering and collared greens. I know that trans women are women, mostly because they won't shut the fuck up about it. You're about to get arrested in this game stop over a pronoun? Sounds like something a woman might do. Are trans men men? No one knows because they're too busy getting laid and changing their oil like men. That's true. Some things are racist and some things just sound racist like Nicaragua.

If you're a white person going to Nicaragua with eight black guys, at the very least you're going to be like, boy, it is great to be here in this Central American country. Well, these Central Americans are pretty lazy, huh? I'm going to end it there. My name is Mike Ivy. Thanks, guys. Alright, Mike Ivy. Fuck yeah.

Welcome back. You've been on this show before. Santa. Hell yeah. Santa, what do you think about Mike Ivy? You know this young man? I was thinking I have been to Nicaragua with eight black guys before. I go down there often.

I believe it. What do you want for Christmas this year? The only thing I want for Christmas is love. Well, I don't think we can fucking help you with that. I mean, what do you want? Holy shit. Like a Ferrari or something? I don't know.

You got to name like a product like something Santa could make at his workshop. Not a fucking Ferrari, dude. Okay. Like a gun? A gun. I'm in Texas. I don't have a gun. I feel like I'm...

Really? I feel like I'm underarmed. You know what I mean? Like if you don't have one gun, you're gay in Texas, right? That's true. Isn't that how it works? That's true. That's why I threw my gun away when I got here.

So, Mike, remind us, what do you do for work? Right now, I do security. I actually work the Ron White show. And I do Door Dash. Okay. And I work it. I just pay no... You know, I have no overhead.

You do security at a big theater? ACL. Okay, cool. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah, yeah. I love it. You seem so prim and proper.

We found out last time you were on, you seemed like a very white, black guy. Yeah, I'm telling you. The Magic the Gathering thing was true. At one point, I was ranked 24th in the state of Ohio in Magic the Gathering. Oh, my goodness. Spiritmonger. Let me ask you this. When you get pulled over, are the police even mean to you?

They don't know what to do. Right? Because I'm a comedian, too. And I was a chef. Did they just get, like, all dizzy? I don't... Yeah, he's poor. But also, he said, ask.

And I don't know... Hey, no. Instead of acts. Yeah. Hilarious. Have you been pulled over, though, in real life? It's happened once or twice. Yeah.

And I said, like, three times. I used to drive around Ohio. I got really into the deep parts of Ohio. I did an open mic out there somewhere. It was all fucked up. You remember the names of these cities at all in Ohio? I tried to forget it. I think maybe Novelty?

Oh, okay. What's that near? Were you in Columbus? No, it's more like in between Akron and Cleveland. Or, like, over to the side, like, a little east of that. I think. I don't know. I tried to forget it.

It was pretty terrible. Okay. Yeah. All right. Michael, what else has been going on in life that we should know about Yo? Well, Fun Fact. I have a podcast called Fun Fact. And new episodes will be coming out every Fun Fact Friday.

All right. Well, that was one of the saddest plugs I've ever seen in my entire life. I don't know what to do. I'm excited. I'm excited. It's good to be here. I think it's great. I love the magic.

I love the randomness. I really like the show, and it's good to be here, you know. Thank you. Thank you. I'm never going to listen to your show, but thank you for saying that. Thank you. Mike, what else? What's your living situation?

Oh, I stay in a condo with a lady who's, you know, she used to be in Dallas. She made a bunch of money, and now she's in a condo somewhere, and she rented out a room. She's just a roommate. Yeah. Okay. It's like a driving Miss Daisy kind of situation. Okay. She's a little bit older?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Is she like a sugar mama? Does she ever have you do any, uh, any? I washed her feet once, but that was just, what? Whoa, we're getting close. That's how it starts. That was for charity.

What? That was for charity. Oh, okay. All right. White lady? Yeah. Very white. Oh, shit.

Blonde. Old blonde white lady? She was probably pretty hot when she was younger. You can tell. Like, she's like blonde and, uh... Does she make you do, like, a lot of chores and stuff? No, no, no, no. Like, are you guys paying correct?

No, no, I mean... Just trying to figure out the power balance here. Don't look at me like you guys... I mean, I'm losing... I acted like I basically called him Django just then, but... I didn't. I thought about it, but I didn't. Instead, I...

She does make me fight naked black men in the, uh, library. I mean, it would be entertaining. Right, yeah. Okie dokie. Uh, this one sounds a wild boy. He hates physical humor so much. I love it. Mike, what did we find out about you last time you were on the show that's interesting?

Uh, last time. Uh, shit. Oh, that I bought this... I tried to have a Scion XB, and, uh, you roast the Scion XB because it's a terrible car. Right, right. Even D-Madness wouldn't drive that into a fucking wall. Yes. It's true.

I love it. Alright, Mike. Well, I mean, you've been on the show before. Uh, I love that you keep signing up. It's great stuff. Another fun new minute. It feels great. There he is.

Mike Ivy, everybody. Let's keep it moving. A lot of familiar faces so far here tonight. Nathan Guevara, everybody. This looks like a new name. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Ooh.

This is a bloodthirsty audience tonight. Here he is, everybody. Make some noise one more time for Nathan Guevara. Here's a dad joke. I think my memory foam mattress is developing Alzheimer's, and I don't know what to do with it because it's already in a home. Here's another dad joke. My father was a drug addict.

Thank you. But he wasn't a substance abuser. He was a substance nurturer. He never forgot to pick them up. That's why when I was a kid, I always wanted to grow up to be prescription opioids. All right. Let's bring, let's lighten up the moon. Can I lighten up?

You want to go? Yeah, yeah. Do it. I think women love vampires because they're the ideal sexual partner. They have to ask before they come inside. Thank you. Thanks, guys. I didn't even know that.

That's a vampire thing. You have to invite a vampire, I guess. Sort of knew that. That's a thing, right? Yeah, they have to ask before they come inside. All right. Okay. It's like those jokes were from Playboy magazine.

Yeah, those are real throwbacks. You performed like a guy that literally had no idea that he had signed up for tonight's show. It's a very, well, here are some dad jokes. It's like you were put on the, right on the spot there. How long have you been on stand up? Two years. Two years.

Wow. Okay. All right. Yeah. You're very comfortable. I like that. You perform in other ways. You have like a theater background or something?

A theater background. No, I played in a band. Okay. Would you play in a band? Guitar. All right. Do you sing at all? No, I don't.

No. No. Do you keep up on your guitar? No. Okie dokie. Nathan. Fuck yeah, man. What do you do?

What do you do for fun? You know, roller skate. I like to skate at the skate park. Really? Yeah. You actually roller skate? I roller skate. With actual four?

With actual roller skates on? Yeah. Four wheels on each foot? Yeah. We call them quads. Wow. I bet you do. I bet you do.

You guys had to change up the branding. You roller skate fans out there. You quads now, Tony. It's not literally the biggest punchline in the world. They're quads. Your rollers. How often do you roller skate? Just every weekend, like on Sundays.

Oh shit. Sunday mornings. And an actual skating rink? No, at the skate park. Okay. Have you ever go to the rink? I've been to the rink, yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah, what goes on there? It seems like you're the type of guy that lives his dreams out there. This is the asshole that's just passing you by fucking just slow. Everything's moving slowly, but somehow he's flying around the rink. Yeah. Why not roller blades? Like why? Uh, roller blades, you know, they're easier and not a lot of technicality.

What? I mean, there's two more wheels on a roller skate. That's like training wheels. He's actually really good at it. Roller blades. Roller blades have multiple wheels, too. That's all one line though. He's never roller bladed or roller.

Yeah, I have. But I always say, I think roller skates are way easier than roller blades. There's no brakes. It's crazy. Yeah. I don't really know. Is that a thing that roller blading is harder than roller skating? Actually.

D-Madness, what do you think? Which one's harder? I love it. Nathan, what else do you do for fun when you're not roller skating? I fall in love a lot while roller skating. It seems like a thing that would happen if you roller skated, that you would fall in love a lot. Well, besides roller skating, I am building a wrestling ring in my backyard.

All right. You're a roller skating professional wrestler. Here we go. Nathan, let's talk about it. What's your dating life like? I'm married. Married? Yeah.

And you are married to a... My wife. Your wife. That's totally what I was going to assume. Was that you have a female wife. Am I right? And her name is Jeff. All right.

I love it. How long have you been married? For four years. Wow. You guys have kids? No. Okay. Two cats.

Whoa. The plot thickens. That's right. Hell yeah. Okay. Are you the lady thinking about having kids? Maybe adopting later. Genetics.

I'm like a depressed guy. You know. Oh, you're trying to discontinue your father's name. That's right. Yeah. My goodness. This was like the olden days. You get beheaded or something for that.

Ooh. I don't know. I love it. Nathan, what's something about your life that we have to... We would have to find out on a show like this. Oh. What's going to get this crowd in a frenzy? In a frenzy?

Ugh. I was in this movie. It was a movie called Midgets vs. Mascots. Wow. My God. I was so hoping you were going to name a movie that we all did. I thought you were like Mighty Ducks or some shit like that. I thought you were about to drop.

It felt like he was going to name drop like the biggest movie ever. You were in Titanic and instead you went with Midgets vs. Mascots. Dude. I think we were all basically in that movie. Gary Coleman was in that movie. That's true. Yeah. Did you make Gary Coleman?

Indeed. I'll do what Red Band does. Yes, indeed. I can't believe it. I remember now with Scotty Pippen and Jason Mewes. Yeah, but no. Midgets vs. Mascots. Oh, yes.

The 2008 comedy mockumentary. No. What I knew about this movie is this is Gary Coleman's last movie. Like he died during this movie. Oh, yeah. Did you kill Gary Coleman? Gary Coleman. No.

Did you accidentally step on him or something? It's adorable. Wow. What did you do in that movie? I played an eagle mascot that threw up. Indeed. I guess that's the only role you could have played in a movie where it's Mascots vs. Midgets. It's really hard.

No matter how long you've gone to acting school, it's really hard to play a midget. Right. Yeah. That's true. It's almost impossible. Oh, no. It's okay. We don't need the movie trailer for this hunk of dog shit.

It's one of those movies that was filmed like on a mini DV recorder, you know, videotape thing from like Best Buy. Yeah. Yeah. Fun times. Nathan. I love it. Fun. What's that?

Yeah. Nathan. Get out of here. Sign up again. Thank you. Get out of here. Santa give him that. Santa Claus should be giving out the gifts here.

What am I thinking? We have the real life Santa Claus here. All right. You know what? We have a special treat here. Last week we met a young man that came up and absolutely fucking destroyed. And he was visiting from Canada and it turns out that he had to leave the next day or whatever. But he has extended his trip and in return he is getting an automatic spot here tonight.

We met him last week. We're here excited to see another minute. And this is Jared Nathan everybody. Jared Nathan everyone. Absolutely destroyed last week. We're excited to see ladies and gentlemen make some noise for Jared Nathan. Yeah. It was hard growing up having a stutter.

My only role model was a cartoon. I didn't wear pants until I was 14. When I was in school my mom said that was at least of his problems. I think strictly able-bodied people want to be disabled. How else can you explain the down syndrome filter on Instagram? All right. That's a minute from Jared Nathan. They have a down syndrome filter on Instagram.

Is that real? Grab that microphone. Talking to the microphone doing this whole part. How about one more time for my friend Jared Nathan everybody. We met this guy a week ago. I love this new cowboy look. He's been here one week. You look like Wyatt Derp.

I couldn't have said it better myself. It's funny you mentioned that. It was going to be the next thing I said. A lot of W's at the front of that one. That porky pig joke is amazing. That was hilarious. Incredible. I love this.

You've been here a week. Your life changed a week ago. You got pulled out of the bucket. Next thing you know you're spending extra time in Texas. How's it been? How do you feel about it? Amazing. Amazing.

Was your mom cool with it? You said you'd have to call your mom to see if you could stay. She was cool. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Okay. What did she say?

I have pretty much all her money, so it's all good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You owe your mom money. And by the amount of M's at the front of that, I can't imagine how much you owe her. It sounds like more than even Hans could help you with. Jared actually started a GoFundMe because he was not supposed to stay here this long.

He definitely needs the cash. If you go to his Instagram, he actually has a GoFundMe just so he can hang out in Austin and do comedy. By the time this thing comes out, it'll already, you're going to do great. Tell us about this week in Texas. What have you been doing? Who dressed you like that? How did this happen?

This is like a toy story of Woody made a baby with a Mr. Potato Head. Can I give a shout out to Jason Rouse? Yeah. Jason Rouse all the way. Absolutely. A great ambassador to the Canada comedy community. Fuck yeah. This is what all Canadians are like for those of you that, for you Texans that made the

drive from Round Rock that have never met a Canadian before. This is what all Canadians look and sound like. Eh? Very good. Absolutely. It's a shame you never got that letter on any of your report cards. You know what I mean? So Jared, tell us more about your life.

What did we not find out about you during the interview last week? Like, what's something else that we should know about you? I'm a COVID screener. The anticipation's killing me. I look fucking mental hospital. Wait a second. I work in a mental hospital. You're the screener at the mental hospital?

I'm a COVID screener, yes. Holy shit. I'm a COVID screener at a mental hospital. What? Wait a second. Hold on a second. I don't know what you said, but if you said what I think you said, this is amazing. What?

You're the... I'm a COVID screener. COVID screener. I asked you... You're the one giving the COVID test? No. I asked you if you have a... The people that are sick and worried about this disease that you don't know how it's going to hit you.

And the first thing that they see is you sitting there just like... What's wrong? Really? That's it. How proud are you right now to be an American? You know what I'm saying? These goddamn Canadian testing facilities. I'm sorry.

We might let you say hi at our Walmart, but not during our COVID test. You know what I'm saying, dude? I'm just kidding, Jared. Would you like a booster? You're the best. You're a screener. They put you out there. Just the Canary in the coal mine in front of these people.

I did check you in. Yeah, you have to check them in. I love it. And you, I'd imagine, are triple vaccinated? Double. Just double? Okay. I'm just trying to feel it out.

Have you ever had a problem where somebody did have a temperature and had COVID and how did you react to that? I haven't had that. What's something crazy that you've seen at the COVID test? Wait, it's a mental hospital? Yes. And then, so, do they get tested every day for COVID or something? People coming for appointments? Is that Mike Don?

Mike feels low. Talk right into the end of that, Mike. Hello. All right. There he is. Hi. The audio listeners are going to love that, that I corrected you there. It's a little bit away from you sometimes.

All right. So what's an interaction that's happened at this mental hospital that stands out to you? You have any wild moments with these people? I mean, it's you at a mental hospital and you're on the business end of it. So that's, I'd imagine sometimes shit's got to go a little awry, you know what I mean? It seems like every once in a while there'd be a little standoff between you and the quote, mental patient. I had people laugh at my face before.

Really? They laugh at you? It's like high school. So it's all right. Right. You're immune to that. Plus you've been a comedian for how long now? Four years.

Four years. So you're a fucking pro. It takes all the jokes. Kills it all the time. All he does is kill. Everybody loves you. It turns out we were like the last to find out about you last week. That's pretty cool, huh?

You have a great reputation amongst your peers. Thank you. I mean, yeah, yeah. Exactly. All right, I love it. What did you do for fun this week in Texas? I ate some b-b-b-barbecue. Yeah, I knew.

I knew where you were going on that one. I love it. When it starts with bar we know b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bar. I love it. Have you ever been to bubble gumps? I haven't. No? It's pretty good?

But he has been to B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. I love it. What's your favorite restaurant? We know you people like to eat out a lot, so... I'm a big fan of the donut shop and the last two donuts. Wow. That's a very specific donut place. Is that a family-owned donut place?

Where you're back where you're from? Canada. It's here. My favorite restaurant in Canada is Harvey's. Harvey's in Canada? Harvey's? They make good hamburgers, yes. No, no, no.

I don't fuck with that. No. You drink Tim Horton's up there? It's a double double. Oh yeah, John Dees, you know about this. They have that in Buffalo. Those of you who don't know, we basically let Buffalo be part of Canada, so... It's really Canadian shit up there.

You ever go to Buffalo? That's like a big city for you guys. I've been there. I've been there. What do you love about Buffalo? I'm going to be there. I'm going back there. I talk all this shit about upstate New York all the time, but I just picked up a week

and I'm doing it in February. Chicken wings and... and living it. What? Say it again. I like to chicken wings and living it. And living it. Okay.

I gotcha. No, I love it. I love it. That stutter that you have, it sometimes happens and it sometimes doesn't. What do you think controls that? It's like a current down the river and... When you have dreams and nightmares, do you still have that stutter? I don't stutter in my dreams.

What's it sound like in your dream? Can you hear that? Can you do an impression of you in your dream? You're right. This is wrong. That was a test for you guys. I was making sure y'all were paying attention. That's matrix shit.

Red Dan and I are professionals here, okay? You let us steer the ship. We have control. It's okay. You can trust us. We've been doing this every Monday for almost nine years. All around the world, we know what we're doing. This is a special surgery right now.

We're trying... We've never had anything like this. This is like if the crocodile hunter got to meet a fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex. Ready? Good. Yeah. Hello, Tony. How are you doing, everybody?

Wow. That's incredible. That's incredible. I think we just figured it out. Did we just crack the code? If you try to do an impression of you in your dreams, you talk without the stutter. Can you sing without a...

I can rap. You can rap? Yeah. Oh, shit. That's right. We did have you rap. How many of you want to hear a rap from... All right, here he is.

Hell yeah. Yo. Yo. Yo. I'm chillin' in my homie, and I'm Kimmy Tony, and I'm the CEO, but I'm in Texas. Oh, time to rap this. You gonna know that I don't wear no fucking necklace. Here we go, the Gobi. I'm doing this.

Yo, I got focused. Here we go. I'm at the Hocus Pocus, yo! Wow. I never would have guessed. People always say they can rap on this show, and they always bomb. Turns out you're the fucking missing ingredient right here.

Wow, he's amped up. Look at him. How does a Canadian cowboy like you rap like that? What type of weird fucking eight-mile fucking... I just found out that I could in a... Wow. High school, and I just kept going. Okay.

Have you ever thought about doing your sets like rapping? I love it. I haven't come up yet, maybe. You should try one of your jokes, rapping. All right. Thank you. All right, there you go. Santa, what do you think about Jared Nathan?

This is your first time seeing him. Jared, consider my leg for a second. Oh, my goodness. What do you want for Christmas this year? You getting this, Joe? PlayStation 5. Okay, we'll get you a PlayStation 5. We'll get you a fucking PlayStation 5.

What's your address again? No, don't. I'm kidding. And I was totally kidding. We'll get you a PS5. You don't have one? You really want one? I don't have one.

Yeah, I'll be... I have a PlayStation 4 that's broken. That's bullshit. Who wants to buy this guy a PlayStation 5 tonight? Oh, a lot of people do. It's like really hard. It's almost impossible to get a PlayStation 5. Maybe we could do one of those make-a-wish things

or something like that with them. I bet we can get a fast pass for our slow friend. You know what I mean? Pretty sure that's how this works. We could use your fucking face. We might all be able to get PS5 for the fucking friend like this. What do you think about Nintendo's swing?

How many of you want a PS5? I'll switch it up. Jared Naven's going to make sure we all get a new PS5. Thank you, Jared. Thank you, Jared. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. This is the opposite of the Oprah Winfrey show. I love it.

This is awesome. Hell yeah. You're having fun, huh? I'm having a lot of fun, yes. How much longer are you going to get to stay in Texas? I'm maybe on the 14th. On the 14th? Okay. That's quite a stay.

I love it. What are you looking forward to the most? What else on your Texas bucket list here? Do you need some more barbecue? You don't even have to finish it. Anytime it's barbecue, you just give us two bar bars and we know what you're talking about. Have you been to the yellow rows or the red rows yet?

I haven't. I mean, we could probably hook you up there. Yeah. Our friends over at the yellow rows or red rows. Cody, why don't you come down here and tell Jared what you can offer him? Maybe they have special bucks. Put your hands together for our friend Cody, everybody.

He's the general manager of the yellow rows. He's a living legend. You saw him earlier. Is he still here? He was a little bit tipsy when I saw him earlier. Oh, here he comes. I heard Mrs. Claus is always there making that money. Yeah, well, you've actually heard right.

We're actually going through some shit right now, so I don't know why you brought that up. It's actually not good right now. Here he is, everybody. Cody, everyone. All right. Here he is. So, Cody, our friend here hasn't been to a real

Texas strip club yet. What can you guys do for a guy like this over at the yellow rows? I got, like, 80 of the hottest girls. I would love you. I could give you Cabana's bottle service champagne. All right. We got to keep the bill really low, though.

How do we do that? Because we get the feeling this guy would fucking blow up a bill in a heartbeat. Quistel. Have you ever been to a strip club before? I have. You have? But those were Canadian strip clubs.

Everybody looks like William Montgomery in there. I love it. Cody, how are things going for the Christmas time? You guys have any, like, special holiday things going on at the end? December 16th, we have Jesser Rhodes come in to host our Christmas party. Oh, is that a famous porn star?

Is she? She is. Okay. You know this girl? Have you ever heard of Jessica Rhodes before? No, you don't know, but you're porn stars by heart. You've never fallen in. You seem like the kind of guy that might fall in love

with a porn star. No? Never? If you had... Dana Jamison? Wow. How old are you? Jesus Christ.

36. God damn. I love it. Jenna Jamison. That's old time. That's back when you were fucking Cody's height. I love it. Cody, you're absolutely killing it.

You said you were drinking a bit earlier. You told me you were doing shots of whiskey and that it hit you quickly. I'm like, no shit. No shit, real talk. Santa, what are your elves out here getting drunk during the holiday season? What do you think about them?

Yeah, I know. We've been having problems with them recently. Yeah? Yeah, it's been a real fucking issue recently. Back up at the North Pole. It's very rare, for real. It is, for real. It is rare.

For real. Up at the North Pole, I mean, it doesn't have a due often, but you get ship-faced sometimes, and it turns into a fucking issue. What does he do sometimes when he gets drunk, Santa? He pushes all the ladders down. People are falling off ladders. It's horrible.

There were like five people who got hurt as fuck the other day. At the North Pole. Just pushing over ladders, yeah. Like on top of like a 20-foot ladder. And he's pushing them over. It wasn't a hard fall. Yeah, it was a hard fall. Yeah, it was a hard fall.

They always land on their feet, these people over here. It's only one foot fuck. Wow. So, all right. But what would we do with a guy like this? Would you kick guys out of the strip club if they come in their pants immediately when they walk in? No, sir.

We'll take care of them. Free VIP will get up with VIP. You get to comfortable. I'll come around and ask you what you're interested in. Blondes, brunettes. Yeah, what is your preference? What's your go-to? Blondes, brunettes.

What are you, what type? Is there any type of exotic type of... Like what are you into? I don't discriminate. You don't discriminate. That's the answer I like to see. What's that? That's the answer I'm looking for.

Hell yeah, dude. They have a wide variety over there from what I understand. That's the answer I'll give you. Hell yeah. Demandness doesn't discriminate, doesn't see color. It's his joke, not mine. It's his. That's Demandness's joke.

I love it. Cody, you're the man. Thanks so much for coming on. Take care of our boy when he comes down and visits you at the Yellow Rose. One more time for Cody. The best. I love it.

So you're going to be in town next Monday? Yes. Do you have another minute of stand-up? Yeah. Ready to go? Yes. Okay, well then how about we do another spot guaranteed here next Monday?

We'll do one more of you since you're, since he's visiting from Canada and he doesn't get to sign up every week like those bozos back there. There he goes, Jared Nathan everybody. Living his little dreams out here. Mind you, there are no, there are no shows.

Oh wow, he gave him a joke book. Look at that. I love it. You guys having fun out there, huh? Guys, follow Jared Nathan though on Instagram. Yeah, follow Jared Nathan. It's a, what's the actual name of the, his Jared Nathan?

One who stutters I think, right? One who stutters on Instagram. One who stutters. The word one or the number one. It's spelled out. All right. Scott Sotter is next here. Scott Sotter.

Here he is everyone. Come on, make some noise for Scott everybody. I didn't believe toxic masculinity was a real thing until I started dating guys. I feel like the only thing harder than coming out to your family as gay is coming out as bi because now I have to tell my dad.

I have to say dad. It is a choice. And I've chosen to suck dick. At least 50% of the time. Coming out as a kid can be scary. Lots of labels to learn. Top or bottom. Twink or bear.

Cruisin' or closeted. Me personally, I identify as a JV faggot. Gay enough to have sex with men. Not gay enough to get a gold star. For those of you who don't know, a gold star gay is a man who's only had sex with other men. And they look down on us by sexuals.

They call my people names. Like Dabbler or Half Breeder. My only response to that is, hey, at least I'm not gay, you fucking holo! Hold on, hold on, hold on, Scott Sky. You went over the allotted time. That's what happens. If we let people go all the way,

then they'll just always do a longer set. How are you, Scott? Are you okay? Yes, sir. How's it going? Welcome, welcome. Thank you. This is your first time on the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five or six months, sir.

Five or six months? Yeah. Okay, absolutely. And does it usually go better than that, Scott? It's gone better than that. Yeah. It has. Okay.

What made you want to start stand-up? The pandemic. Uh-huh. I got really bored. I worked from home. What do you do from home? I'm a paralegal. Oh, wow.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Wow. And so what have you been doing for fun up until this point in your life? When not? I play guitar and sing.

Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. Interesting. So you're the musical theater background that I was picking up on earlier. It's coming from you. Have you ever been a member in a band?

I have. I used to be a singer-songwriter, believe it or not. Hell yeah. Okay. This is good. I've always wanted to interview Gay Elon Musk. This is very exciting. All right.

What do you, what else do you do? What else do you into? Any hobbies or anything like that, other than like just being gay? Or is that pretty much just everything? Just being gay all the time? Only half the time. Is that your way of saying what?

That you're bisexual or that you're half of your time is spent with a man? I would say both. I'd say both bisexual. And then that leads to sometimes half my time with the men. So you're, okay. So you're saying you spend half time with women,

half time with men? Yes, sir. Okay. All right. And how did it end up, how did it start and how did it end up like that? And do you, when you have one, do you immediately want the other?

Or do you go on, do you go on like streaks of locking down one? Because this whole buy thing, I'm not buying it. You know what I'm saying? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. You get it. The people's court. Yeah.

So it starts out, you're with a lot of women and then sometimes you want more. Right. And sometimes something's missing. Have you ever tried like a girl with an extended labia or something like that? Or a guy with an extremely tiny penis. I see that.

Or Jesus. Do you have religious parents? Wow. Are you about to go into a book of Mormon or something like that? Sometimes it's not all about being funny. Oh, wow. Okay.

That's a Tommy impression. That's a Tommy impression, right? How do you know about that? How do you know Tommy? That's so interesting. Are you Tommy? I listened to Rick Ingram. Oh, I love it.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, Rick is a fun fact about Rick. The guest from episode one of this show, the first ever episode of it, Rick Ingram. Anyway, Scott, I love it. So what else? You're a big comedy fan. You from here, born and raised in Austin?

I lived here for six years now. Okay. So I'm from Pittsburgh, originally. All right. Okay. And now you live here? Yes, sir. You stay at home doing paralegal stuff?

Most of the time. All right. Are you very sexually active? Because you pretty much just talked about being gay up here. So now I'm trying to figure out if the set, how much you devoted to your set, is also a part of your life. Because if you're working at home

and you're as gay as you sound from your set, I'd imagine your apartment smells like shit, Scott. Old socks. No, I feel like I'm kind of old fashioned that way. I've been single for a minute now. And I am looking for someone special. Wow. How are you going to find this person?

I recently, I signed up for a speed dating event. I'm hoping that might make the difference. Okay. Man. Now, are you mostly looking for girls or guys right now? Like, are you? Right now, I'm looking for a special lady. Oh, nice.

Oh, wow. Hell yeah. Someone's in the mood for fish tonight. Okay. Well, this week. I'm feeling keto. The new 32 ounce special lady cut available. Interesting stuff.

So, I mean, do you tell your parents that you're bi? Is that a thing that people do? Or do you have to be totally gay to do that? I never really realized that or wondered that. They know, but it wasn't something that I came out and told them. You only tell one parent when you're bi? Yeah, I do. No, you tell both.

Scott, what's another fun fact about you that we would need to know? Let's hear you sing. What's a song that you know? Tell the band. These guys are geniuses. They'll play along. Should have been a cowboy? Should have been a cowboy?

It's Alan Jackson. D's went straight into. Is that Avril Lavigne? What was that? Oh. What is that? I think he's trying pitching the band. I think he's trying to teach the band an original song, everybody.

Hell yeah. Do you have a second song that they might know? They don't listen to country, Scott. Any Dave Matthews band? Whoa, holy shit, Scott, how old are you? 31. 31. All right.

Dave, here's a little tape. You don't know Dave Matthews? St. Anger? St. Anger, the best Metallica song. Scott likes his music, like he likes his sex life. Shitty. There you go. How about you just try to do like a cappella and they'll follow you or something.

Let's just try something. Let's hear what Scott said. Scott said he's a singer, everybody. He said it, not me. I guess you never heard old Marshall Dylan say Miss Kitty, have you ever thought of running away Settling down, would you marry me If I asked you twice and begged you pretty please

She'd have said yes in a New York minute Than every time the night His heart just wasn't in it He stole a kiss as it rode away He never hung his hat up At Kitty's place All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. This is what I'm going to see in my fucking nightmares tonight.

You singing that fucking shit. Sounds like the credits to an independent movie, you know. It's fucking pale ass fucking. How do you get your skin that? How do you get your skin to Pete Davidson color like that? Do you just let yourself bleed for a certain amount each day? I have always wondered how to hit that fucking, that sickly fucking. I use the teeth whitening strips.

I put them on my face while I sleep. Okay, all right. Let's do that tiktok yellow marker chat. All right, Scott. Well, this is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. Did you have fun? I had a great time.

There you go. Scott Sotter everybody on to the next one. Santa, give him something. Here, take this. Scott, have something. Yeah, we will eventually. Chad Jay, ladies and gentlemen, Chad Jay is next. Come on, everyone.

Make some noise for Chad Jay. Give it up, Boston, Texas. Give me a big old Texas hail. Yeah. Fuck yeah. How many of you guys are locals? More than I expected, man. More than I expected.

I just moved here. And the one thing I love about Austin is like a bunch of party cities had an orgy. Right? It's like Vegas fucked an old Western movie set. And then San Francisco showed up halfway through the fucking, and was like, you guys are doing it all wrong. Gay bar, dog bar, gay dog bar, coffee shops, neon. Come on.

I'm getting older, man. I don't know if you can tell, but there's gray hair in my fucking beard. It's tough, too. Like, it's not the worst, but like my dick still works. It just has a bedtime now. Like, if there's coke or tequila involved, you better have a pulp fiction size adrenaline shot. Or we better be role playing.

And you're a cop, and my dick's on PCP. And that's stun gun. I ain't working, daddy. You know what I mean? Bleed it. All right. Thank you, guys. Chad J.

Welcome, welcome. Chad, this is your first time on the show, right? Thank you. Yes, sir. Absolutely. How long have you been on stand up? Six months. Okay.

And where are you from? I grew up in Oakland, but I've been in Brooklyn for the last 10 years. And what made you move to Austin? You said six months ago? Yeah, I broke up with my crazy ass girlfriend. How long were you with her for? Six years. Wow.

What was so crazy about her? What are some crazy things? What made her crazy? For instance, we couldn't leave the house unless it was an odd number. Get the fuck out of here. I mean, that's kind of your fault for getting into that, right? Like, the odd number, the date you mean? She was really hot, Red Band.

Like, really hot. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. When you say odd number, you mean for the whole day or the time of the day? That minute. That minute. Yes. Oh, okay. That's acceptable.

So if it was 12, we were hanging. Wow. But if it was 1201. Boom. You're okay. Yep. It had to be an odd number that she walked out. Yes.

Oh my God. So I actually walked out on an odd number. When you left her, did you leave on an even number just to really fuck with her head? What did she think about your move to Austin, Texas? I don't give a fuck. Actually, she hit me up a week ago and was like, hey, just a heads up. I'm moving to Austin with my new boyfriend because we both got jobs there. Wow.

So that just happened. That's how life works out. It's weird that way. And my response was you went to school for research psychology. Apparently, you don't know that this is an open carry state. What the fuck does that mean? Might as well have had Jared Nathan say that. I had no idea what any of that meant.

What does that mean? Is she afraid of guns? Are you threatening her? No, no, no. All right. Well, we're just going to go on a hike, you know, like Gabby Petito. Oh shit, dude. All right.

What the fuck? Chad Jay making jokes about killing his ex-girlfriend, everyone. So it's been six months. Have you been with another girl since then? Yeah. Oh shit. Yeah, you're a pretty good looking, what seems to be a charismatic guy. There's a little bit serial killer in you, but I'll take it.

You look like you own a bar on Rainey Street or something like that. You know what I mean? Did you inherit some money from your grandparents in the past couple of years? No, man. That's the vibe I'm getting. You have rich parents? No, no. I mean, my grandmother came over here with nothing from Poland.

She's like a millionaire, but they don't share. Oh. You know what I mean? All right. She sewed it all into a jacket. Do you have any good Polish jokes? Oh, man. No, he doesn't.

He doesn't have any good normal jokes. How could he possibly? Dang. I'm kidding, Chad. I'm kidding, Chad. I'm kidding. You're six months in. You're doing fantastic.

Thank you. You're holding your own up here. Thank you. 35. 35. So these girls that you've met in Austin that you've hooked up with, where do you meet them at? Are you just out and about?

Like you, you, you approach girls old school or are you on these dating sites? I'm on bumble, but I actually prefer to meet people out. You know what I mean? And that works for you? Yeah. Like the last girl you hooked up with, explain to us how that went down. You're at a bar and what happens? I like playing pool.

Because you get other people involved. It's not necessarily creepy. You're just playing pool. Oh, you're banging dudes. Okay. I forgot. Or girls that like to hang out at pool halls. I'm taking on all comers.

Oh shit. Look out. I love it. Okay. So you play pool and then what do you do? You find a girl that's there with her boyfriend or something like that? No, this is like the great thing about Texas is like girls here wear cowboy boots. They like to step in and play in pool.

It's a different kind of woman out here. It is. Yeah. Are you saying are the girls around here stupid, dude? What the fuck are you saying? I mean, what are you saying? You calling our girls dumb? I didn't say it.

You said it. God damn it. What are you saying? These Brooklyn girls are all uptight bookworms. That's exactly. Yeah. Oh shit. Brooklyn women are fucking terrible.

So again, where were you at when you met this last girl? There's two places that I really like to go. I mean, you don't have to really give us the exact location. No, no, let's hear the location. I want to hear it. No, I like hanging out on the east side. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you see this girl, she's by herself. She's with friends. You go up to her. How does that go down? Yeah, I mean, it's very organic. I know that sounds gay, but like it does. Okay. So you see her and what's your opening line?

Give these people an idea of what your opening line to this girl would be. I mean. How organic are we talking here? You want to bring Jared and Nathan up here and they'll tell you. Definitely not. No, that dude's a serial killer for sure. No, no, no. Who wears khakis in December?

No. First of all, you son of a bitch. Wow. I dare talk about our friend Jared and Nathan that way. So what do you say to this girl? You seem to have locked up here. Uh, I mean, you kind of just go, how many quarters do you have on you? You know, it's a, it gets quarter pool tables.

Come on now. I don't carry change on me and women have purses. So, you know. What the fuck? I know. Fuck. Are you sure you got laid? Chad, what do you eat?

You cook for yourself a lot? You have like a fucking, uh, you seem like the kind of guy that has one of those crocs pots or something like that. Man, actually I'm, I'm doing comedy most of the time throughout the night and I do construction during the day. So I buy all of the pre-prep shit from H-E-B. H-E-B is the shit. Yeah.

Absolutely. You don't have that up in Brooklyn. We know that. Salad bags and fucking pre-cooked chicken. That's, that's my life. What are you building? What kind of construction are we talking about? Are you custom homes?

Wow. Most of the time during the day, yeah. Okay. Okay. There's nothing funny about that. You never made any kids or anything like that? Thank God. No.

No, no, no. I couldn't handle kids. Any close calls? Santa Claus, you know Chad J. You know who's naughty or nice. Tell us about Chad. Yeah, no. I've been watching him for a couple of years now. He is a really sweet guy.

Um, what do you want for Christmas this year? I would really like, um, man. I'd like a new pool cue. Uh, whatever meds you can find that make my mom less crazy now that she has a Facebook profile, like, I'll take all of them. What's your mom doing on Facebook? What's she saying? All the same shit that everyone else is doing.

Like. What do you mean? Religious stuff, political stuff. It's constant. Right. She's been on Facebook for years for like 30 years and she thinks COVID is a hoax and that it's like an absolute joke. Oh shit.

And she's not wrong by all accounts, but like. Let's call you. Cool. All right. You know, you don't have to be friends with your mom on Facebook. Like I am not friends with any of my parents or family. You just make a fake Facebook profile, post a picture of a waterfall once a year. You're fine.

All right. I want to block her, but it's kind of the only thing we have left. Why don't you go? Why don't you ever communicate with your mom? I mean, it's, it's, it's been a long time. Yeah. Why? She's a fucking nutball.

But why? Why is she a nutball? You said that she's a COVID denier and the crowd likes her more than they like you. These are all people out in a comedy show. Dang it. A lot of these people come often. She's, she, uh, she goes on these fucking rants and the other thing. Is it because you're from Brooklyn?

Did Brooklyn make you very, very liberal? No, no, no. I'm definitely not. Your mom might not be crazy at all. Tell us more about your crazy mom. What else do you think's crazy about her? Her haircut for sure. Like.

All right. You're going to have to try again. No, man. I, I, she, she does these things like she's in a fight with my sister right now. They've been battling like hard. Tell us a while. For a while. Right.

Yeah. About what? She wouldn't wear a mask to come over and visit her own grandkids and she's ready to like die on the hill for it. And I'm like, okay. So you're mad at your mom for not wanting to wear a mask. No, I'm not mad. I don't care.

But the sister is. Yeah. Because grandma didn't want to wear a mask to see the grandkids. Exactly. That could get her sick. But. Sure. She's not afraid of it.

So why would you guys be? I mean, listen, I. You're telling an old lady that she has to wear a mask to see her grandkids even though. Exactly. And she's dude. Is she literally. You guys are on the wrong side of history. That's what I thought.

This is what Brooklyn's like everybody. You're wondering. That's what it's like. It's fucking weird. She. Yeah, grandma. Sorry. Thanks for the life.

Stay at home. Me, mom. Goodbye. Thanks for the chance of existing at the grandma. You stay there by yourself. That's horrible. And you're on your sister's side in this. I'm not on anyone's side.

That's the thing. I just want everyone to shut the fuck up about it. No, I don't. I just want to hang out. He's on his sister's side about it. Stupid. I'm aware. The shit I had to do to try to make this interview interesting.

Chad was unbelievable. Yeah, you tried to really just scrambling quarter. Spark up controversy. Way outside of the pocket. Way outside my comfort zone. All right, Chad. There he goes. A little family drama from Chad Jay.

Thank you guys very much. I appreciate it. We should get one more person up here. We haven't had a. We have not had a female comedian tonight. We're going to pull until we get a girl out of here. Sorry to Will. Sorry to Jason.

Rob. Oh, there's Ellis. We haven't gotten to see him in a while. All right. Here's a female. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anastasia Lawless. Anastasia Lawless here on Kill Tony Live in Austin, Texas. What is up, motherfuckers?

I just ended a long term relationship or what we like to call in America, economic enslavement. Yeah. We hated each other, but we love to eat choices, right? There's some things that I don't really understand about people in relation. Like single people lately, like people are like, I'm looking for my king. I'm looking for my queen. Did you motherfuckers not pay attention in history class? I'm not trying to be anybody's fucking ambulance.

All right. She didn't suck my coconut off with a fucking head. No, no, no, no, no. Not to mention up until recently, these motherfuckers had to marry each other. Yeah. We make fun of people in Alabama for that shit. But if you're English, hashtag relationship goals. All right.

No, no, I'm not looking for my king. No. I'm looking for that peasant love, you know? Because those motherfuckers, those motherfuckers know how to fucking party. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Anastasia Lawless, everybody.

Absolutely. Welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes. Absolutely. Awesome. How long have you been on stand up? Six months.

Six months. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yes. This is where you're born and raised? No, I'm from San Antonio. Okay. How long ago did you move to Austin? At the beginning of the pandemic, I did end my relationship and moved here for work reasons.

Okay. So you have a job here? I'm not, I'm taking a break from my normal work and I'm actually looking for a bartending and serving job right now. Okay. Why bartending and serving? And what's your normal job? My normal job, I'm a postpartum doula, newborn care specialist. A postpartum?

Doula. What's that? Basically, after the baby comes, I come help the mom like get routine, sleep, like get them on feeding, helping them with latching and shit like that. Yeah. So they don't murder the kid? Yeah. Basically, no shaking baby syndrome around me. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Cut their hair and shit. Geez, that's pretty wild. Yeah. And you're trying to get out of that. Why? Is that a stressful job?

I'm not trying to get out of it. I'm taking a break. A bunch of stuff happens to me like emotionally and I want to like safety is my number one thing. And I, you know, my emotional state is my like important. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. We absolutely, emotions are important.

And nothing you could talk about here? Actually, it's why I started comedy. My dad died and he was a drug dealer. Okay. So you get a good hookup, right? Yeah. He was a drug dealer your whole life? I don't know about my, I mean, I think he dabbled a whole lot.

You know, he had me young before his frontal lobe was developed, you know. Interesting. Yeah. And mom was a part of your life? No, my mom was, she, when he started growing cannabis, she really accepted it, you know. Wait a second. You're growing cannabis? You're kidding, right?

No. He was a farmer and a drug dealer. This is the drug dealer that you're talking about? Yeah. Are those the drugs that you're talking about? I mean, that's what America says, right? You know. Yeah, that's not drugs.

That's a cool dad. Hold on a second. Yeah, I know. He was, he was fucking amazing. He was amazing. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, I love, I love my dad.

I got you. No, that's the reason why I didn't do comedy is because I would hate for something I say to like get him poked, you know. So you're being silly when you say he was a drug dealer. I mean, like he could have gotten to jail for what he was doing. So in Texas. Yeah, I guess so. In Texas.

Yeah. I'm not from California. I love your laugh. You have like a goat laugh. Anastasia. So what do you do for fun? What are you into? I like to draw.

I do pastels and I like to write poetry. Okay. Yeah. All right. And smoke weed. How many cats do you have? None. None?

No. Zero cats? Well, my cat died like two weeks before my dad. Oh, shit. Your cat's selling catnip. What was this cat doing? What? I'm pretty sure she got poisoned by a neighbor because she was a fucking gangster.

Yeah. Really? Your cat was a gangster? Yeah, she was. A lot of gangsters die from getting poisoned by their neighbors. Yeah. Wow. What was your cat's name?

Tolstoy. What's that? It's an author. Okay. Yeah. All right. So you're pretty nerdy too, huh? Yeah.

I like to read. What else about you? What's like a wild thing about you? Like you always see those rom-coms where the nerd like you like takes off her glasses in the end. Turns out she's like, I don't know what I'm asking you actually. What's something wild about you that's not nerdy that would surprise us about you? I rode dirt bikes a lot with my brothers and my dad.

Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. All right. Rode a dirt bike. Gotcha. What's your love life like? I'm single.

Yeah. Right. Any of you on any of the dating sites or anything? I just do like meet people in real life and I'm not trying to be in relationship for two years. I'm trying to just do. Just fucking get out of there. I'm on a fuckboy diet.

Say that again. A fuckboy diet. You're on a fuckboy diet? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I really recommend it. It's fucking amazing.

All right. Do you find a lot of these guys in your pool of open mics or something? No. No comics. No comics. Yeah. No comics. Where do you find your innocent victims?

Craigslist. F4M. The open mics. No. Okay. If I see a non-comic person like, yo, what's up? Okay. What's your opening line with a guy that you want to hook up with?

The last guy was such a pussy. Never answered. I actually try to start a conversation. I always feel like that's the best way. Is there a specific conversation you usually start? Well, if I like something that they're wearing or I'll ask them like, oh, you play basketball. What's that like? You know, something like that.

Hell yeah. You play basketball. What's that like? You play basketball. And I know. I know how guys minds work. They're like, well, you know, it's pretty awesome actually. I do play basketball.

Basically a professional at this point. I mean, I just play with the boys in the afternoon because I mean, I could go pro if I wanted to, but anyway. Yeah. They don't make it hard not being on the diet. You know, I'm never like, oh no. Hell yeah. My heart.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. Hell yeah. My heart. I love it. Anastasia. That sounds like when an alien would ask you, like, how do you play basketball? I love that. So you're looking for like a bartending job right now.

Do you have history bartending? Yes. Before I did early childhood development, I was a server and a licensed massage therapist. Are there any bar managers here tonight that need a new bartender by any chance? Yeah. Let's test her out. Jack and Diet Coke. Jack and Diet Coke.

Awesome. You're hired. Yeah. Wow. That was the dumbest part of this ultra dumb show. Is there an actual bar man? Usually there are. There's a bunch.

If there is one, find Anastasia after the show and give her a job. That's what she wants to do. I'm sure there will be. You'll get a job from this. Thank you. All right. There she goes. Anastasia Lall.

Good job. Everybody. This time on Kiltoni. Here you go. Anastasia. Take one of these. Hell yeah. There she goes.

Everyone. All right. Let's have some fun here. Ladies and gentlemen. I don't know where Santa Claus went, but we do have one last regular on this show, believe it or not. He is the longest standing regular in the history of the show here with yet another brand new minute.

This is the big red machine. William Montgomery, everybody. Oh my goodness. It really is him. Oh shit. Ladies and gentlemen, it really is the great William Montgomery, everybody. God, this is uncomfortable. Beasts of No Nation makes Hotel Rwanda look like cool runnings.

Beasts of No Nation makes the last king of Scotland look like Operation Dumbo Drop. Beasts of No Nation makes Blood Diamond look like Bib Waman's House too. Do y'all not know what that fucking movie is? That would have been so much better. If the South had had access to blockchain technology, would the war have gone differently? Work with me here. 3D NFTs, but they're slaves. That's the best joke I've come up with in a long time.

I got that fucking. He got that kind of fucking reaction. This was out of my control. That's an impression of my buddy who got caught having sex with a kiosk at Disney World. More like Neil Olde. That's all I got. William Montgomery, I absolutely. Like Neil Young.

The balls on this man. I don't know why that one didn't work out either. Wow. Very unorthodox. Taking chances that nobody else takes. What the fuck was that movie you were talking about? Beasts of No Nation. I believe this was like a Netflix original film that came out about three or four years ago.

It did. Did you randomly see a movie and then assume that everyone also watched that movie at the same time? I saw it this past week. A very, very, very random movie. I was thinking that was going to be a lot more popular. I was seeing people are going to cheer after each one of those. We are talking about what, three years ago? Yeah, three or four years ago.

Just a perfectly random amount of time long ago. And a Netflix movie. It didn't even come out in the theaters. It's just Netflix. Yeah, Redbin. You dumb ass. Yeah. That's the fucking.

I'm not the one that said it. Shut up, dude. Don't start this off like this. To do one Beasts of No Nation joke is an incredible accomplishment. To do three of them back to back to back like that. Yeah. I was thinking after the first one it was going to be a perorius laughter when it was not. I was a little horrified because I had two more.

God. I was like, holy shit. There's two more of these fucking jokes. These idiots aren't laughing at this shit. And what makes you, when you're making a set list, like what do you look for? How does that end up at the tippity top? Like that Neil Young, Neil old joke at the beginning seemed like it could have maybe done some extreme impact. Well, it sounds like I made a mistake tonight.

I apologize. I made a pretty bad mistake with the order of my jokes tonight. I'm sorry for that. Oh, when you put it like that, it's just priceless. You make a lot of mistakes in your life, I've noticed. Redbin. What the fuck does that mean? This is a weird running joke that they try to have.

What does that mean, you dumb ass? I mean, every week you make a mistake. You ever think, like, stop doing that? Shut the fuck up. I'm not making the fucking mistakes every week. Why are you saying that? I have a lot of pressure on myself right now. I don't need this shit talk from you.

Well, I'm putting a bunch of pressure on myself right now and then you have to fuck it up. William, ignore him. What's the extra pressure that you put on yourself this week? It was extra pressure to beat San Andreas. I beat it yesterday. Wow. After 42 hours of gameplay. Wow.

42 hours of gameplay. I was taking over Las Vegas. Wow. It was so exciting. I was chopping off people's fucking heads. I was working out with my character. I got him so buff. He was so strong.

He had tattoos all over the place. He was hardcore. We did talk about this. He literally goes to the gym with his Grand Theft Auto character and does not go to the gym in real life. That's correct. Why do you think that is? Why do you think that in your fantasy life you would do the boring work of working out?

I don't know. It's so much easier on that game. I can literally, when he's doing the dumbbells. You know that if you did that in real life, you would feel better? Do you think so? Do you think so? How often do you work out, William? I don't ever.

I started doing it a little bit some months ago and then I stopped. I got addicted to gaming. I started, oh man, it has been a slippery slope. I just started playing these fucking video games on a PS4 and now I pretty much can't fucking stop. What game is next? Halo 4? Halo 4? Shut the fuck up.

Halo 4? Thank you. I don't know how you sound like a dumbass. I'm on your side in this one. Ask me dumbass shit. Halo 4? What are you going to play next? What do you think is next on your...

I just started playing Grand Theft Auto Vice City earlier so I will be playing that all night tonight. All day tomorrow. All day the next day. Probably all day the next day. What do you eat and stuff? Do you smoke while playing games? I eat. I smoke.

You smoke cigarettes while gaming? I do. I have to press pause and walk outside. Yeah, pretty normal stuff. Have you ever played online with other people or do you just play the story mode of these games? I just play story mode. Oh my goodness. Yeah, it's been a lot of fun. It's exciting. It has brought some excitement into my fucking life. I'm trying to have some fun.

Do you ever try to just go online and play online? No, he's playing games that don't have online shit because they're so old. He's not playing Grand Theft Auto V. He's playing like literally like 20 year old games. He's playing like 20 year old games. He's playing like 20 year old games. He's playing like 20 year old games. Guy, you sound like such an idiot.

He's playing 20 year old games. He can't play online. What happened to your hemorrhoid at a pop? Alright, no one cares about that. It didn't. It's still in my butt hole but it's better. Really? It's not as inflamed.

It's much better. How much raisin bread did you eat this week? I'm doing prune juice now. Oh, okay. How much prune juice did you drink? Three big bottles. Three big bottles? Three really big bottles. I just drink the shit out of it.

I'm shitting all over the place. My shit looks like prune juice now. It splashes up all over the fucking place. My bathroom has shit all in it. William. I'm losing video games. There's shit all in my bathroom. I want to jump off the fucking ledge.

What ledge? The ledge of my apartment. Where I go smoke. I think about jumping off it. I'm just kidding. I don't know why I just said that. Nobody's laughing so that makes it even weirder. Yeah, it did.

It did get weirder. It got a little weird there. I love it. William, what else is going on in life that we haven't talked about yet? Is there anything? You've been opening for Joe Rogan. You've been on a lot of big shows here in Austin.

A lot of the biggest shows. It's been fun. I'm trying to learn my jokes without having to read them off this piece of paper. And for those Rogan shows, he's like, okay, I like you, you're doing good, but you have to quit using your notebook. Joe has been pretty tough on you

about staring at the notebook. A lot of comedians look at, not a lot, not even a lot. A small percentage of comedians bring notes and sometimes when you're working out on a set, you'll glance at the notes. William tends to eight minutes into

most sets pull out his notes and just read them like that. Yeah, my fucking mind goes blank after he got normally like eight minutes and I go into full-fledged fucking panic attack load up here and I have to bring it up. I literally start panicking so bad.

His comedy idol is Gene Garofalo. What? Nobody knows what the fuck is. There's some... All right. Deez is requesting the NFT joke. Did he do it? Did you like it?

Did you like it? Do you have it? Is it right down somewhere? Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, no, this one's really good. I don't know why everyone didn't laugh at it. If the South had accessed a blockchain technology,

would the war have gone differently? Work with me here. 3D NFTs, but they're slaves. See, nobody's laughing. You're looking at me weird and you're African American. I feel like you were... He requested it.

It technically can't be racist if he requested it. I just got set up. I didn't even see it coming. I thought you really liked that joke. You just set my ass up. Oh, God. William, we absolutely love you.

We did it again. That's another episode of Kill Tony. Watch the William Montgomery show, everybody. It's out there. Available on all podcast platforms. This was another episode of Kill Tony. Brought to you by the Yellow Rows, the Red Rows, CM Smokehouse, Blue North, the Vodka Seltzer, Blue Norther.

Wow, that drawing is incredible. Santa Claus, me and Red Band, RyanJeBelt.com for all the prints of Kill Tony. Yeah, incredible. Thank you, live audience, so much. There's merch for sale in the corner. Go say hi to Avery over there.

She's got a bunch of cool Kill Tony stuff. How about one more time for the band, everybody? The screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, John Dees and D-Madness. Thank you, guys. Good night, everybody.

Thank you. Oh, yeah. The after party. There's an after party right after this. Unlock your phones. We'll all be hanging out. Nether Hour will be playing. You can just hang out if you want. Unlock your phones.

We'll all be hanging out. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. To the table, we'll all be hanging out. Daddy's on weekend We'll sing and dance together.

I'm the one and only. It's my day. You