KILL TONY - #537 - DYLAN SULLIVAN

Episode Date: December 25, 2021

Dylan Sullivan, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, David Lucas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, John Deas, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/13/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shop Squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at Shop Squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Come on, you guys got to make more noise than that. You ready to do this fucking shit tonight or what?

Yeah. Happy Monday, y'all. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. I've got a hand for my buddy Brian. Hey. And everyone. And how about a hand for this goddamn band, huh? That's the Kill Tony band brought to you by screwball peanut butter whiskey. This is another live episode of Kill Tony.

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Yeah. CM Smokehouse cooked us food earlier. Hey, Yoni, what's the name of the sushi people? Tare. And Tare Sushi, good luck spelling that. Yeah. It's T. R. T. A. R. Who gives a fuck?

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Very good. Then we shout every single week. I have one of the funniest comedians in the world to join me on this show. This week is no different. This is actually this guy's first time being on the panel which is incredible. Because we have been working together for years and years. This guy moved here all the way from the comedy store in Los Angeles, Austin Zone. Dylan Sullivan everybody.

Here he is. This is the future right here. Becoming the present. I'm the guy that introduced you to Tim Dylan, to Shane Gillis. This is one of those moments where you guys are going to learn about the ways of big beautiful Dylan Sullivan. Hi Dylan. Hey Tony. Thanks for having me on man.

Look at your jolly fucking head and body. What a happy big little boy you are huh? Man I showered for this. I'm excited. Hell yeah you are. This is my fucking little chunky nephew Dylan Sullivan. Real comedy store guy just like me came up through the fucking ranks and now he's here killing it in Austin.

There's a real fucking scene here. You can follow him on Instagram at DylanRaySULL. All one word Dylan. D-Y-L-A-N Ray. Are you liking the move here Dylan? Hell yeah. It's being alive again. It's great.

Thanks for having me. You can tell by the sweat on your forehead that you're loving it here Dylan. It's great. This is always so. So let's do this shit. Dylan is the guest tonight and you guys know how it works. A bunch of people signed up before the show. There's a ton of names in this bucket.

If I pull someone's name out they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then afterwards I interview them and find out more about their life and we get to find out what's wacky about them. Are you guys ready to start this mamma jam or what? Austin I gotta ask you again. This is a real live podcast. You're here.

Are you guys ready to do this fucking thing? There you go. That's what we need. Fucking energy. Ladies and gentlemen your first comedian tonight is not out of the bucket. We have a wild show for you on this evening and it's going to get kicked off with one of our regulars. This is a prestigious position bestowed upon a very select few people over the many years of this show. This guy is the newest regular on Kill Tony which means he writes and performs a brand new minute every single week.

Austin's own Hans Kim is here everybody. And the show begins 60 seconds uninterrupted by our very own Hans Kim. Hello. It's going to be here. I love it here in America. Like the coronavirus I found you guys to be excellent hosts. I think it's kind of fucked up. Not the first thing that Asians did in America is to build railroads and now you guys aren't even using that shit anymore.

And you wonder why we're so bad at driving. I hate it when people who get asked to throw on their face, I just have a message for them. If you get asked to throw on your face you don't have to show your face more now. Please do the normal amount of face showing. I used to think that LA Fitness was a Mexican gym because I thought it was pronounced a lot of fitness. You work out on a piñata. The Treadmills have lawn mower handles. Yeah that's it. Thank you.

There it is exactly a minute Hans Kim. You did it again. Thank you Tony. You're welcome Hans. I love it. I love this look tonight. This looks like some type of like you're a villain from an Asian home alone or something like that. Like you're sneaking in someone's house. Yeah I want to steal their fortune cookies.

Oh you son of a bitch. He always brings it back to the Asian thing. I was going to say the soup's too hot. You're like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Asian people love soup. We slurp it up. What? We slurp it up. That's right.

Now you're Korean, South Korean hopefully right? Yes. And so what types of things do you guys eat during the holidays? On the New Year's we dakguk which is like delicious. It's hard to describe. What animal is that? Is that a bat? What is that exactly? It's sort of like breaded but it's sort of like soft and like slimy bread. I don't know how to describe it.

White bread. It's like this big and it's like white and it's slimy. Are you describing your penis right now Hans? Is that what's happening? You eat your own penis for the holidays. South Koreans have Christmas or is it like a Hanukkah set up? What exactly do you guys do? You guys light off fireworks or something wacky? We pretend to be American and we're like we love America.

Christmas we're doing the Christmas thing too. Look at us. Do you do that like only when people are walking by and stuff or do you do it all the time? I think it's now like a thing because it's like oh look it's the cool new thing. Like we're doing what the movies do. We're doing Christmas like in the movies. I've done my last two Christmases have been Korean Christmas. That's right you do have a little Korean Christmas.

It's a lot of what's that soku or the lot of let it drink it's like that. Soju. A lot of soju and a lot of kimchi and just a lot of vegetables and weird little plates. Millions of plates. Soju is what I call the people that buy me cheap presents during the holidays. That is soju. Alright alright not that Jewish but just soju-ish. Hans what's been going on this week in your normal life tell us something good.

I moved into a house. Hey look at that! Alright okay that was very long. What kind of house are we talking about? A house with a rising sun. Like what are we talking about? It's a house that my friend has gifted upon me because she's out of town and she just was like here's a free house and so now I have a free house.

So it's temporary, it's a temporary house. How long is she out of town for? Till February 6th. Whoa that's pretty fucking good dude. So what are you doing? What are you doing differently that you can't do living in a van? You kicking your feet up? You lighting the fireplace?

What are we talking about here? I'm taking shits whenever I want. Wow. Shits, shits, shits, shits, shits, shits. Alright red band you got a little too excited there. Disgusting. Wow. I'm recording podcasts, I'm sleeping, I watched The Last Duel yesterday.

You know it's just like indoor activities, I'm masturbating whenever I want. Okay. Okay red band Jesus Christ. What are you masturbating to? What are you looking up? What are you searching? Mostly a lot of Japanese massage porn. Really?

That's what you're into? Oh my goodness Dylan what do you think about all this? Hey how's you watch your porn in widescreen? Yeah. So stupid. When they stand up. Unbelievablely stupid. Do you watch your porn in widescreen?

Now I want to know. It's actually a better question than I thought it was now that I think about it. I mean I watched the world in widescreen, everything. There it is. That's comedy. Let's just set up, knock him down, fucking homerun Derby right there. I love it. Now when you watch porn, do your eyes automatically like scramble the image back to what it actually

looks like? Because you guys like to blur out private parts in the Asian porn world. I'm wondering if like that's with those glasses that you're wearing to do or something. Yeah I see everything. I can see right through clothes, I'm looking at a lot of you ladies right now. Massage porn by the way is one of my favorite. I don't understand, what does that even mean? It's hidden cameras and massage parlors where girls fuck eyes.

It's great in Japan. It's like they go in for it. Are you guys watching the same videos? Yeah. Jesus. I'm never drinking soju. This is the road that it leads me down. They call me yellow band.

Okay, alright. This is out of control. Hans, you're amazing. You're a fucking murder every single week. A brand new minute. Thank you for getting tonight's show started. Thank you. There goes Hans Kim everybody.

I'm gonna go to this bucket now. Anything can happen. I mean just a couple weeks ago we've met a literally a mentally challenged guy from Canada who absolutely fucking destroyed. Could be a homeless person. Could be someone that had a perfect life and just comes up here and bombs for their first time ever. Anything can happen and it's going to start.

Well actually this guy's been on this show before. He's wild as fuck. Make some noise for Sturm Worm everybody. This is the return of a wild character of the show's past. It'll be interesting to see what frame of mind he's in tonight. Sturm Worm. Here he comes. Here he is.

One more bucket. One more time for Sturm Worm everyone. So it's looking like I'll be serving tables the rest of my fucking life and honestly I don't even mind serving tables. I just hate dealing with people's bullshit. Back in Naples, Florida. Cheesecake factory. Lunch shift.

Karen pales a comparison to what we're dealing with. We're serving heartless monsters. I'm talking Karen's mother. Barbara. The one who'll talk here and all the tricks. And no, I don't want to see pictures of your stupid ass grandkids. Trust me, I don't think they're as cute as you do. They always want to be all buddy-buddy to us.

You chicken pot pie on the menu. That's when we find out who the real Barbara is. I comment down by recommending the meatloaf. Works like a charm. They fucking love that shit. Packing up the leftovers all excited like, well this just worked out perfect. Now dinner for tomorrow.

Hell yeah, Sturm Worm. Welcome to the show. You've been on here before. It's a brand new minute. Believe it or not, this is one of the less insane sets of yours. I only did one, so actually I've done two, but I like them, but whatever.

My sets, they're kind of like vacuumy, but I think it's funny, my last one. You call them vacuumy your sets because they suck? No, not... By the way, is everybody tonight going to look like a villain from Home Alone? I don't know what's happening here. You can't even plan this out.

It's the holiday season. This guy in Joe Pesci just laying the wood down at Kevin McAllister's house. At Yard House, I was working at Yard House. You literally look like you'd be a YouTube version of Home Alone. At the Yard House, or something. It's like a Home Alone shot only on ring cameras

or something like that. At the Yard House, some dudes say I look like Maher from Home Alone. What? What the fuck are you saying? I was working at the Yard House before I moved here, and some dudes say I look like Maher from Home Alone. Right, absolutely. There you are. There you go. That guy had a good sense of humor.

That said that. Okay, so, Sturm, what's happening in life? You're serving tables? Nah, well, I just moved here. I quit the Yard House right before I moved here. Long story. But, like, obviously, I'm looking for work, and obviously, you can figure out where I want to work.

I don't want to serve, though. Like, here's the thing. Like, I'm dealing with walking issues right now. It's weird. I'm going to Airbnb right now for like... Where do you want to work? I want to work at Rogan's spot. Oh, yeah. Totally never.

No chance in hell, Sturm. That's impossible. We all know he wants to hire people just like me. People who actually serve tables and people who create. And I create and serve tables. I create and about serving tables. My Yard House video and my Cheesecake Factory music video will get me hired alone.

He wants to feel safe at his, like, work. You know that, right? I want to employ you the month right before I moved out here. Where's Curtis? The general manager of Rogan's new club is here, everybody. He's live in the flesh. Curtis, where are you at? Can we get a flash?

Somebody shine their flashlight on his face. No, he's saying no. He's saying no. He's saying no. He's missing one of the best. We literally just tried to get you hired. It's not going to happen. It's all over. I think there's a Yard House in Austin, though.

I was going to transfer there. It's in your favorite area, the domain. I would crack up every time he mentioned domain when I watched Go Tony. I can't believe how I can't understand what you said. You have the thickest white accent I've ever heard. The Yard House is in the domain. I was going to transfer to it,

but I didn't for like, it's stupid. It's a long story. There's not a town for it. Sturmworm, you ever been arrested? Yeah, once it was stupid. It wasn't even my weed. It was someone else's weed. I took the charge.

You had someone's weed? Why did you take the charge? I sold him the weed, and he was going to get in bad trouble because he was on parole or some shit. It was a bad situation. How much weed was it? It was nothing.

It was like a quarter. Wow. Look at you. It's all about weed, y'all. Can I say this right now? What? Can I make an announcement right now? You want to make a fucking announcement right now?

I want to make an announcement, y'all. This is when he pulls out the gun and shoots himself in the head, everybody. This is how it happens. This is how school shootings happen. I thought it could... It's your first time. Welcome, lady.

The look of shock on this innocent little look at this ginger lady right here in the front row. This is piercing blue eyes of a redhead. All right. Anyway... She hated that shit. Hell, yeah, she did.

Whatever. Those are the best size ever. This looks like the end of the Midsomer movie or something like that. She's about to kill me. All right. Tony, most people here probably don't know me. Tony knows I'm a rapper.

I recorded... I filmed eight... You have a rap? Will you do a rap for us right now? I'm dying, sir. I think everybody wants to hear... Oh, shit. He's talking to the band, everybody.

It's threatening the band, I think. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Trip of life time. Yeah. I'm still here surviving through the bleakest nights. Couldn't get away even with the cheapest flights.

Always kept my vision clear, clingin' to the meekest light. Now I know my time is now. The kid is about to peak in life. I'm getting off the bed to checkin' in the game. Bout to smash all these bad chicks that thought I'm lame. Fuck all the official money. What I really want is fame. A life that feels so good and numbs all the pain.

Yeah, the ending of this book has yet to be written. Anyone who's still sleepin' better be kiddin'. In this chapter, I come back with exceptional rhythm to solidify my spot amongst the best to be spittin'. I'm swimmin' in my lane. How long is this show? I'm swimmin' in my lane. You can see I'm out here coastin'.

But the water's freezing, and I'm lost in the ocean. All right, all right, all right, all right. Stern. You gotta know how to put a ribbon on this shit, dude. There's 16 bars, though. It's only 40 seconds. You're like the fuckin' Grateful Dead up here, this fuckin' goin' on and on.

Campan raps. Everybody always says my verses are too short. And I've been on a show three times, and I cut off all three times. And there are only 16 bars to verse this. There's nothing too short about your raps. You're crazy. You should never get to use the words

too short in a sentence, rapping like that, Sturmworm. You're like, this guy might own a machine gun Kelly. Could I make this announcement, though? It's about to kill Tony, but how am I gonna use that? You're like, this guy needs to see a Dr. Dre. Do you even hear the jokes that I make on you? Like, you're always ready with your next responses.

There's no reaction whatsoever. I got like 100 things on my mind. You're just always thinking about the next thing you're gonna say. Well, I mean, this is what, like, it sucks. Like, you only have 10 minutes up here. Like, man, pressure, I'll match you. I won't say shit.

Show us your cocaine. But what I mean, you won't say it's the last time I've been on... Red Band thinks you're on cocaine. Are you on any... Dylan, what's going on? Is this still the freestyle part of your... Alright, I gotta get this out of here.

So... What are you on? Do you drink a lot of coffee? What is this? What is this energy? Be honest with us. No, this energy is... This is my moment.

You know what I mean? Talk about my moment, yo. Yo. This moment. Did you hear that noise? Oh, how about this? Why is that noise happening? Why is that noise happening?

This is the best idea ever. You gotta let me get married. Was that... Nothing. Alright. Alright, Sturm, congratulations. What? I have to get this out.

What do you have to get out? It's the last time I was on. I filmed eight music videos. Put four of them out. I stashed four of them. I'm dropping one of them after this episode. Okay. Two weeks for this moment.

Okay. Sturm, Worm, waitin' on my moment, official music video. Okay. And then tonight, I'm dropping the Cannabis Commandments. Okay. Sturm, Worm, Cannabis Commandments. Go on YouTube. There you go.

Sturm, everybody. St-E-R-M. Crazy music video. Worm. Hell, yeah. We're havin' fun here tonight. Hell, yeah. No, don't do it.

Don't do it. Alright, your next comedian goes by the name of Ray Chenevi. Ray Chenevi. Here he comes. Here comes Ray, everybody. Ooh, I like the circus music. Hey. One more time for Ray Chenevi.

So I learned yesterday drinking two five-hour energy drinks does not make a 10-hour energy drink. It makes a five-hour psychosis drink. If Plan B is a form of contraception, then it's Plan C, shooting the bitch and yourself. So a little about me. I want to make a foundation called racism is retarded so I can watch woke people's heads explode. I like how Charles Darwin preached evolution but married his cousin.

Wow. You want one more? There's an end to that joke. If you want to, you can do it. Yeah, the only thing evolving about the Darwin's were their eyes moving closer together, each generation. Hell yeah. Fuck you, Charles Darwin.

Ray Chenevi. Am I saying that right? Chenevi? Chenevi. Chenevi? Chenevi, yeah. Chenevi. Absolutely.

Welcome to the show. You've been on before? I've been on before, yeah. Yeah. What happened last time you were here? Remind us. What did we find out about you that was interesting? I told you about, I'm a 3D artist.

I make like visuals for live music. Okay. I'm now not doing that. Yeah, what are you doing now? I now, I'm an AV technician in a hotel. Wow. So what are you doing at that hotel, really? Fall from grace.

Sorry. So you basically play videos at hotels? No, I like, it's like really, it sounds a lot more nice than it is. Uh huh. I literally just tape power to like the floors and hotels for toasters and shit. Okay. It's pretty awful. I love that.

Wow. I would have guessed that. What happened to the job? Well, I mean, it was like the 3D artist thing. It was Freelance. I just got out of school, so I was trying to make it work. But I don't really like doing it anyway. I'd rather tape toasters.

Dylan? Were you involved in that Travis Scott concert? Is that what they should think that? Ray does. He looks like he has a dark side, but he also looks like he could play like a nutcracker in like a live action Christmas play or something like that. Thank you. Yes, the old laugh of the nutcracker we have there.

What do you do for fun, Ray? You seem like a serious man. Seems like you have pictures of people that you hate on your bedroom wall. Connected with yarn. Just to inspire you, right? Fires you up. You have great jokes, by the way. Thank you.

Not a believable set, but I want to find out more about you. You know, I still like to do a lot of the 3D art that I kind of left behind. There's a type of 3D art called fractal art that I'm really into. What's something that's going to make us not think you are a bottom of the barrel nerd? Like, is there anything like cool that you do that's not 3D art? The last time we were talking, I mentioned my one fun fact was that I used to play competitive melee, Super Smash Brothers, and I just, I immediately regretted bringing that up. No!

That was the last time. Immediately. How about since then? If you do anything for fun, you ever go out and have drinks or anything like that? Oh yeah, I've been getting back into the blues here. What's that like for you? What does a guy like you go out and you just stand in the corner of bars and stare at people? Yeah.

That's exactly it. You have a real face for that. You'd be good at that. Yeah, I mean, it's hard for me to relax a lot of the time. You know, I like to write jokes and being in those settings is nice for comedy, but sometimes when you're trying to do other creative things like the 3D art, like I mentioned, it's like... Geez, you just can't go five seconds without mentioning fucking 3D art, huh? Yeah.

Jiminy. Critics, dude. I love it. You have brilliant jokes. How long have you been on stand-up? Six months. Wow! Six months.

Wow! Very impressive, right? Very, very impressive. What's the longest set you've ever done? Well, I can do like an hour and 43 minutes on homeless people in Austin. Oh, shit. Look at that. But I can do like 10 minutes.

If you want to do five minutes at The Secret Show Thursday. Whoa, look at that. You got booked on a real show, everybody. We're going to keep this fun train moving along. There goes Ray Chenovey, everybody. You have one of these yet, Ray? Have a joke book by the Great Bones Eye. These are real handmade leather Texas fucking joke books made by a real fucking...

A real... What do they call those? People that stuff animals? Yeah. Taxidermists. Hell, yeah. And if you want a custom one, you can go to his website. B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E.

An unbelievable artist. These books are cool as hell. So before we go back to the bucket, we have something special to do here. A couple months ago, coincidentally, when I was pulling names out of the bucket, picked two absolutely morbidly obese men out of the bucket. And then I had the other one come back on stage while the other one was up. And I said, how about we do a little weight loss challenge? A month later, they weighed in.

And they're back again for a one month update on their weight challenge. I present to you, come on up here. Trey Peck and Sam Hunter, everyone. Here they are. We're doing another weigh-in. Ha ha ha. Hello, my friends. Now, I'm going to tell you guys something.

We've done one of these, we did one of these a month ago. Let me tell you, it was a fucking hit. I mean, it literally went a thousand times better than anyone could have written it. Trey Peck there on the left weighed in originally at 396 pounds. And after a month of hard work, he ended up at 373 pounds, losing a total of 23 pounds. And Sam Hunter there on the right originally weighed in at 335 pounds.

And then a month later, after a month of hard work, weighed in at 363 pounds. Literally, he swore to us that he was on a strict diet every day. He was furious after getting on the scale. He complained for weeks. Every time I would see him, he would just look at me and he would go, your scale is fucked up. And Swedish fish fell out of his pocket. Swedish fish fell out of his pocket after the weigh-in.

Is the scale up here? Yoni, where are you at? What's going on? We need the scale and we need Yoni to read. He's got the camera. First of all, let's check in and see how you guys feel. Just make sure you set the scale. There's no controversy about this. Yeah, there won't be fucking controversy.

They're both getting on the same scale. So Tray, tell us what you've been doing perhaps to help yourself lose more weight. You did really good last time. Yeah, but then Thanksgiving happened. Oh, shit. I'm not very confident. I wasn't very confident last time and we lost the weight. So it's kind of just been Slamo, Slamo, lots of basketball, no soda.

Just normal stuff, man. Shit. All right, so let's see what happens here. It's been a month. Your last weigh-in was 373, which was a massive weight loss. You lost 23 pounds. So one month later, 373, little drum roll here and Yoni. What do you got? 389.

Oh my God, you got to love it. Now, we did get some information during the week. Yes, it's true. We actually, because of you guys getting a semi-famous here on Kill Tony, people have been tagging Red Band and I when they see you guys at restaurants out. And literally, there was someone that tagged us in a video where it was you who just weighed in Tray Pack and you were eating a giant ice cream cone at a pizza shop. By yourself.

And they actually got the picture from the outside. I don't think you even knew that it happened. Do you remember this? Yeah, I also got tagged in these. I have no shame. I was fat before I had that ice cream and I'll feed that after. I also got tagged in those. What the fuck?

I know. Dylan. I'm not sure it wasn't Dylan, to be honest with you. If I'm sitting here, then... It is perfect. Maybe we'll let Dylan weigh in after all you guys do. Might as well. I don't play that shit.

You guys look like you're all here to audition for the same part. Alright, now let's talk to the great Sam Hunter who absolutely stole the show the last way and by gaining an unprecedented almost 30 pounds in 30 days during a weight loss challenge. Sam, have you been doing anything differently this last month? I put in about a third of the effort this month. Okay. I'm expecting to have gained anywhere between 70 and 90 pounds. But the last time I came up here, I was eating kale and I was in the gym and I ate once a day.

I completely changed my regimen. What's your regimen now? The world needs to know. We just saw you eat about 12 Swedish fish up here. I ate about eight meals a day and every single one of them was a bag of Swedish fish. Are you serious? Yeah, bro. Wow.

Alright. Well, brought to you by Swedish Fish. A little drum roll. This is the weigh-in. Is this motherfucker taking his shoes off? By Sam Hunter. Is he taking his shoes off? Hey, Tony, what was his weight last time?

Sam, those shoes are not going to make a fucking difference, dude. You got to be kidding me. What was the weight last time? His weight last time was 363 pounds. He swore that the scale was broken. It was... Wait a second. Wait a second.

Is that 313? Wow. Look at that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That can't be right. That can't be right. Something's going on with that scale.

Yeah. Did it say 313 or via 313? That's a local pizza place for those of you listening around the world, and that was what we call a good one. It literally had to be... You had to pick the weight named after the famous pizza place in town. Nice. I love it.

You are still fat. How does it feel? It's pretty good, dude. Eight bags of Swedish fish a day keeps a young man's tits supple and strong. So this actually is incredible. 335, 363, and 313. I mean, clearly maybe something was wrong on our end. No, everything's been completely accurate,

and I would like my money in cash, please. Well, it's actually funny you mentioned that. Did we get that box from Shae-Z? No? We have a special gift for you for winning from our friends over at Shae-Z. Which is an amazing restaurant. I do believe this is going to be too long of a walk for us to present it to you on stage, but it is indeed a box of delicious cookies.

It's a massive box of cookies from our friends at Shae-Z. How many of you know about Shae-Z? I didn't get fucking cookies last time. What the hell? You guys can split the cookies. We'll split the cookies. You have to give Dylan one, too, though. You have to share with your brother.

Whoa, dude. There it is, a box of cookies. By the real Shae-Z. Can we watch the meet a couple of cookies? This whole thing is so incredibly confusing. How much weight, perhaps, did you lose that last time? Because now I'm thinking the scale was broken. Oh, now you're thinking the scale was fucked up.

That's awesome. After I lived a literal fat kid's nightmare, you know what? There is a 12-year-old fat kid waking up in cold sweats right now being like, oh, it was just a dream. I didn't have to weigh myself on a public platform on stage roasting comedian on a fucking live audience and the internet. And now the scale might be fucked up.

After all that, ooh, isn't that interesting? It was just a dream. I used to read Word Up magazine. Another morbidly obese artist, notorious Biggie Smalls. I'm like, if you guys were a rap group, your name would be Biggie Biggs. All right, stupid. That's a grandfather joke for the grandpas listening out

around the world. I love you guys. Should we meet up again in a month? Should we keep doing this? Can we push it to January? Can we get a month of peace during the holidays? Please. So on Christmas Eve, I'm not getting hammered and counting calories.

Like, ooh, I don't hope I gain 28 pounds in 28 weeks. So you're not seeing the positive at all, even though you lost all this weight, you're not feeling better. You're not feeling great that you've lost all this. You want to go right back in there and take a month off? It seems crazy to me that. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's the shoes.

That's awesome. That is true. Perhaps each one of your shoes weighs 30 pounds. Yes. This is incredible. 100%. Just keep pushing, dude. Thanks, man.

Oh. All right. There they go. Sam Hunter and Trey Pak. We'll be back again in January. We'll get them back here. We're going back to this bucket. Let's get another one of these wild strangers up here.

Wow. Can I get a drink, please? Sam Hunter is about to reenact Fat Mr. Rogers over there. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Kyle Welker. Here we go. Kyle Welker. You guys having fun out there tonight?

There's simply nothing more fun on Monday nights than this. Here he is. This is his shot. One more time for Kyle Welker. So a little bit about me. I'm half gay. I dated a trans woman a little while ago. My friends, they like to make fun of me.

Tell me I'm bi. Half gay is not a real thing. Say that's bullshit. I like my men with women's tits. I don't like men. It's bullshit. So I've been really getting into drag racing lately as well. I'm just really figuring out it's kind of hard to run in heels.

So yeah, thank you. That's my time. That's all I got. There you go. Just under a minute from Kyle Welker. I'm excited to talk with you. I have a lot of questions about this. Thank you.

Is that all true? I'm not into drag racing, but I did date a trans woman. I love it. Let's talk about how long did you date for? Only probably a couple of months. Okay. Where'd you meet? I'm tender.

All right. Okay. And you go on a first date. Where do you go? Buffalo Wild Wings. Whoa. Okay. Okay.

Very fancy. Very fancy. We love Buffalo Wild Wings. BW3s. That's an incredible first date. I guess that's a real fucking. That's real trans shit right there. You end up with a little fucking.

Go to B. Dubs. End up with a little buffalo shrimp in your mouth at the end of the night. Now, was there any surgery like this? He's what? Top. They have top surgery, but they started. Wow.

Damn. And it was your first time doing anything with anybody that had a penis. Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. So you get to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. What do you order exactly?

Wings. How about her? Does she order breasts and thighs or? That doesn't even make any sense. I don't remember. You don't remember. Who gives a fuck, right? Did you pick up the tab or did you guys pay half?

No, I picked up the whole tab. Okay. Look at you. What a gentleman. Did you tell her to smile more too? Wait, what does that mean? You know, just, you know, she's a woman. Making you a fucking sandwich, you know?

Is that how it works? Do trans girls, do they like do the laundry, the top half and the bottom half sort of sits around? How does that work? How does that work around the house? She washes the dishes, but she doesn't like sitting on a bar stool or something like that? She doesn't have a period, but she acts like she has one. She doesn't have a period, but she does have an exclamation mark, doesn't she? Yes.

Okay. So first date, Buffalo Wild Wings. You guys have some beers as well? You're getting a little liquored up? I did have a beer. I needed to, yeah. All right. And then what happens next?

I drove around for a little bit and I took her home because I'm a gentleman. Okay. All right. So you played it cool. Did you give her a little kiss goodnight? No, actually it was really awkward. Did you suck her cock? Well, you didn't think I was going to ask?

Come on. A little bit of Christmas cheer around here. I ask the tough questions, people. Get out of my way, Barbara Walters. Did you suck her cock? Very rarely do I get to ask that question. And when I do, I will take advantage of it. I knew we'd get there.

No, but we never had sex and never did anything, but I like to make Christian people uncomfortable by saying if I could go back in time, I definitely would. If you could go back in time, what exactly would you do? Tell us all about it. I'd have sex with that dude. You've had sex? All right. Well, somehow that's the meanest thing that's been said during the entire episode.

We're all on this girl's side here, I do think. Anybody that gets stuck on a Tinder date with you. Imagine what she's telling her friends right now, just like, I met this guy from fucking Round Rock. I'm from St. Louis. St. Louis? Yes, sir. Okay.

How long have you been here? We're just down. My girlfriend and I are just down. We got in Friday. Oh, you have a girlfriend now? Yeah. A girlfriend with a pussy? She's got a real vagina.

Boring! How do you go backwards like that, man? I figure if you're going to cross the streams, you might as well go all the way, right? Isn't that what they warn about in Ghostbusters? I've never been back, but... What does she think about this? She's cool that we're super open. Let me ask you this.

Did you notice which restroom your date went into when you were at Buffalo Wildwings? No, I don't. But yeah. Is your girlfriend now like trying to put like a finger, I mean, a fist in your ass or anything like that? Jesus, red pan. What the fuck, dude? Relax over there.

My God. No, she keeps trying to put a finger in my butt, but I'm not really into it. Really? What are you into? More of a top. What are you into? Doggy style is pretty nice. Wow.

Look at you. Jesus, didn't realize you were a 12-year-old boy. No, I'm kidding. It's totally common. We got her a dildo and we fuck around with that. All right. All right. What do you do for work?

Gutters. I bet you do. Hell yeah. Oh, we know, Kyle. We know. The rats of the gutter, perhaps one could say. Hell yeah. You've unplugged some pipage in your day, for sure.

That sludgy stuff that comes out of... Oh, I'm talking about the gutters, you dirty-minded people. You're being corny. Gutters, huh? So you get up on roofs and you just get down? Yes, sir. All right. You get up on roofs, apartment buildings, all kinds of shit.

How'd you get into the gutter business? One of my friends from high school's dad was a swinger, got me into it. He was a swinger? Yeah. Man, a lot of interesting sexual stuff, but you're not really connected to any of it. You're like almost... I'm right on the brink. What?

I'm right on the brink of all of it. Yeah, it's wild. What's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually? Because you said that you didn't do anything with that girl that you dated for a while, right? No, we just made out. That's it? Yeah. She never even gave you a hand job or...?

No. Like you said, I was real awkward about it. I just, I don't know. I didn't really know how to treat her. Was she hot? Yeah, actually, she wasn't bad looking. She had kind of bigger hands than I did. Hell, yeah.

That was the Telling Tale. Well, actually, the cock is the Telling Tale. I promise you, there's not a doctor in the world that would just go off of the hands of a... No one has a baby and they're like, Gugu, it's a boy. No, it's mostly the dick, my friend. Mostly the old penis and vagina.

Okay. Well, Kyle, that's all very, very interesting. How long have you been on stand-up? That's my first time. Wow, it's the first time, everybody. Hell, yeah. Congratulations. We love that.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much for coming on. There he goes, Kyle Welker, everybody. Kyle, here, take one of these joke books made by the Great Bones. A little souvenir for you. All right. We have a crazy... We got to do that one.

Our friend from Canada who we pulled out of the bucket two weeks ago for the first time and we absolutely fell in love with this guy two weeks ago. We fell in love with him so deeply that he extended his trip from Canada for two weeks and he's here with us tonight. This is a new minute, his last set in town this time for Jared Nathan, everybody. Our friend from Canada is back. I love Austin. It's so clean and people are so friendly.

I saw a dog poop on a sidewalk and two minutes later I saw a man walk out of his tent and ate it. I gave him a $5 bill. Canadian? He wiped his face with it. I already knew that the Canadian courtesy was dog shit. Wow. Damn.

He took us there. That was a wild trip but we ended up where we needed to be there at the end. There was some detours there. We took a couple of service roads to get there, I do believe. But boy, oh boy. You have incredible natural timing with that. That is literally a special delivery that you have. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Jared Nathan, you've done it again. This is what three weeks in a row we've had you on this show. You have to go back to Canada tomorrow. Unfortunately. Hopefully you're not wearing that shirt in customs. I don't think they're going to like it. This is what they think all Americans are like up there anyway. You got the two Amazon logos on their breasts.

I noticed. Jared, how has this trip been for you? Amazing. Dream come true? Yes. What have you been doing for fun around Texas? Is this your first time in Texas? Yes.

You've been shining here. You became part of the thing. You started to go fun me. You hit your goals and targets and all is good, right? Yes. Right. What else? What have you been doing for fun?

Checked out the... You jumped out of a cake? Oh, I'm sorry. Checked out the capital. What? Checked out the capital? You checked out the capital? Yeah.

Wow. I've lived here for a year and I haven't done that. That's incredible. I didn't even know that was a thing to do at all. I don't know. Jesus. Did you just had fun? You ate some b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-f-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- Mediter,

all right, all right, all right, all right. Bye! I love it, Jared. Absolutely. Okay. Now, what else? What's something about your life that's interesting that we haven't talked about these last couple weeks? This is your last chance to tell us something interesting that we'd be surprised to know about you, perhaps something that... I only hear time I go rock-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. Barbecue? Barbecue? Would you hit rock bottom? I was working as a Viking festival in a N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N, H-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N H-N-N-N-N-N-N.

And at other? I was working for a bar-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. ...Yeah. Viking festival. Gotcha, absolutely. A RIN fest, like a RIN festival. Yeah, like Medieval Times? Yeah. Okay, what were you doing there? Were you testing out the turkey legs or something? I wore the bar-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b.

I had some treats, I'm sorry. You're okay, you're okay. I just love it when you go buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. It makes me, like, giggle like a little kid. Oh yeah. It's like tickling. I just... Tweeted at my hand and I needed to go fill some ice and people were in my wa-way. Yeah, they were in your wa-way. You have a bunch of ice, you're at the medieval festival.

And I said, excuse me, excuse me, that did not work, so I tried to push the guy out of the wa-way. Oh no, you pushed the guy? Oh shit. Here's where it's coming, alright. Have you fly down the street, like five miles? To me? To me? You pushed the guy and then he pushed you?

He rocked bottom me on some tables. He rocked bottom you, the move that the rock used to do? On the table. In professional wrestling? Yes, under the table. He literally rocked bottomed you? On the table, yes. Oh my god.

Yes, two stories. Wow. Yes. You have to be a special type of special to know that that was even called a rock bottom. I love wrestling, yeah. Like I know that it's also, I know what exactly the move that you're talking about. I'm a pro wrestling fan. Or it's called in our world, also retarded.

We have that in common. I love it. How about your love life, Nathan? You ever been with a woman before? You ever have sex? Yeah. Yeah. Thank you to disability. What?

Thank you to disability checks. Okay, so you ba-ba-ba-ba-bot pussy. You gotta do what you gotta do, right? Right. Yeah. I love it. And what did you end up doing with this girl? What was your favorite part about sex?

You seem like the kind of guy that might come putting the condom on. Do you have a big dick? Okie dokie. That is true. Can you show us with your hands how big your penis is? All right. Would you rather show us in Canadian units? It's 16 feet.

But he's got a Canadian fucking hog leg. I was just saying, like, eating pussy is very good speech therapy. Wow, I bet. What did you say that? You just put your mouth against him? Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Hell yeah. Wow.

Wow. What else, Jared? What else? Is there anything else we should know about you before we let you go? You have to go to Canada tomorrow. Do you think you will come back soon? Like, have you thought about it? Have you talked to your mom about it?

I think I'm coming back closer to February. Oh, that's very soon. I'm definitely coming back. Ok. Definitely. Well, when you come back, you've got secret shows every Thursday when you're back. Wow, look at that. This guy's got a whole fucking career waiting for him in Texas.

Alright, there he goes. Jared Nathan, everybody. Come on, it's his last time in America. He doesn't know they're not going to let him back in February yet. Don't tell him. Hell yeah. Jared Nathan, everybody. We're having fun here.

See, the show sometimes is filled with hope. It's filled with good energies. Sometimes we help the right people. And other times we pull out of this bucket. Oh, we know this guy. Cool guy. Very funny. Make some noise for British John, everyone.

British John is next on Hill Tony. Live from Austin. Hell yeah. Come on. Well, good evening. I have my full voice back. It's good to be back. My wife loves Austin.

I'm really sorry. You're getting another Californian. I'm sorry. It's not to be fair. You've got like 50% of our homeless and 35% of our taco trucks. We like those back. No, it's been crazy since I was away. It really has been.

I made one joke and now people want to hear another one. So ladies, I gave you some advice this time. I've got some more for you as well. The oral contraceptive is the second most effective thing you can swallow to prevent pregnancy. My biology teacher taught me that wonderful man. Two years before I found out boys can't get pregnant. Britain loves abortion.

It's like a sport. We have a season for it. Soccer, cricket, rugby, abortion. If Megan and Prince Harry have another one, hunting accident, taxpayers are picking up the tab. We're only having two. That's it.

Harry was meant to be an abortion as well. The little red-haired bastard. There you go, British Sean. You got any more? You think we sent him to Afghanistan six times by mistake? We only sent his mother to Paris once. British Sean. Making the people,

making these good Americans gasp over here. British Sean, welcome. This is a special show. A lot of really, really large people on this show tonight. This is really like a fucking circus up here. It's good. The stage is good. Oh, we know, we know. You're one of the lightest people that have been up here tonight.

British Sean. So, you've been on the show before. Dylan, is this your first time seeing British Sean? Yeah, I don't know anything he said, but... Ten points for Gryffindor, dude. No, this is the first time I've seen you, and he put down his mug. British people have no fucking manners at all.

The gall of these British people to come to our country... Be it all British, but no. Interesting. You still think you won the Battle of Independence in 1767. That's interesting. I don't even know what he's referring to. You take it easy on this poor buck, British Sean. You relax over there, down and flabby.

You know what I'm talking about? Let's fucking talk about it. So, British Sean, how long have you been in Texas now? What have you been doing around here? This is just a flying visit. Somebody needed to be hacked, so I'm in Houston for the day. That's right. He's a hacker. I love it.

And you're doing some work in Houston? Is that what you said? Yeah, I've been in Houston for two days, and so I drove over. Oh, sweet. Awesome. This worked out perfectly for you. Absolutely. What do you love about Austin, specifically? Apart from the barbecue.

Oh, my God, that was the barbecue and... You say it so differently than Jared Nathan says it. I almost forgot that there's only two Boz in barbecue. It's... I do like his way. Are you sure there's not 17 Boz before? Everybody said about the bird. I love it.

Okay. British Sean, what ethnicity is your wife British as well? No, no, she's Californian. She's one of your own. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. How'd you get a Californian? What type of trickery did you do there? It's the accent.

It's the accent and the jacket. Yep. That does it. That does it, British Sean. Whoa, pink on the inside. Jesus, look at you. Hell yeah. She thought I was gay, and now I've got a green card.

Hey, that's right. Hell yeah. And you're really drinking tea over there, huh? Look at you. You got a little mug. Here's the thing. I got to thank you. So I was on and then the interweb, the internet went nuts because apparently I wasn't British enough. Oh.

So I said if I came back, I would actually use my real accent. So I've been lying to you and I want to apologize. Okay. Keep calm. I'm from Yorkshire and I actually sound like this. I used to at Farm and this is my actual accent and this is what I sound like. And I said I would do the minute like this.

That's crazy. I understand you better than literally everybody that's been on the stage all night. Yeah, it's perfect. Really wild. I mean, there was a bunch of Americans up here earlier. Did you hear Sturmworm earlier? I love it.

British Sean, are there any special like sex moves that British people do that Americans don't know about? Is there like a, you know, you like attack in the middle of the night or something like that? Well, we had a special move. It was rather nice called syphilis. We started that. All right.

All right. We gave it a French name. So someone else thought they had it. Yeah, that was our guess. You still have a lot of family in England? How they doing out there? I saw you guys' goofy Prime Minister come on today and tell them that they need a booster

because the Omicron is coming for them. It's very amazing watching the natural fear that we have grown to think British people have thriving right now over in England. Yeah, I don't really understand those people anymore. It's not the England I'm from. I never let the bastard see you bleed was how I was raised. I don't really understand the screaming.

It's like being a huge pussy has gotten like cool recently. And I'm not exactly sure when or how that happened. There's no problem. You can't solve with a cup of tea. That's how we do it. I love it. Dylan, what else? 007.

That's all I was thinking. What? 007. You've done it again. Is he speaking LA? I don't understand it. What is he trying to say? I think he wants to fuck you, British John.

He's got a nice accent. British John, you got on again. Always a goddamn pleasure. You're very kind. We love you. Would you mind? I did bring gifts, if you don't mind. Gifts?

If this is going out at Christmas, I brought you gifts. Oh, wow. You really did. My goodness. You even have like these prices right girls delivering them. Jesus. Look at the fucking tits on that one. That's incredible.

I was talking about Dylan assholes. I brought those as well. That's a special gift. All right. What do we got here, British John? It's a real presentation for... I can't believe that you... What were you going to do if you didn't get picked out of the bucket?

This is wild. Aw. Are these crumpets? After you said fucking crumpets. Wow. They really are British crumpets. Absolutely incredible. Red Band, what'd you get?

Oh, Red Band doesn't know how to read. It's a $2,000 gift card to Amazon. Thank you. Okay. Red Band. Thought that would be funny. I use my hacker skills, Red Band, to get you a clean internet. I have fixed it.

The llama, the midget, and the Ohio State drum majorette. That incident is gone forever. I have removed it. And what do you get? This guy just gave me a bunch of hairs. Oh. I know we got off on the wrong... This is for the ladies.

Oh. Oh, yes. Oh, shit. I just need one of those. Texas, $10,000 a hanger. I've got half a million dollars right here. Is there a hanger shortage here or something? No, it's an abortion joke, I think.

Oh, I got you. I got you. That's how many hangers it takes for Dylan to hang one of his shirts. They're so heavy that he needs all of them. British John, I love that you're so fucking different than all these flunkies that always sign up for the show. You're always a class act. Thank you for coming by.

British John, everybody. All right. What do we do? What do we do? We had Kyle Welker, British John. All right. We have another special treat. You guys want another special treat, huh?

Well, you're in for another big one. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, one of the most famous regulars in the show's history, is in town from Los Angeles, California. Famous for his incredible roasting and writing. This is indeed another new minute by our regular David Lucas, everybody. Live in the flesh here in Austin, Texas. For you?

Come on, people. Make some noise for David Lucas. Yeah. I think rape is bad. But if I had to rape somebody, I think I would rape a deaf lady. I feel like that's an easy-knock guilty. Like, I'll be goddamn if I'm found guilty on sound alone.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I walk in that bitch house, disguising my voice like I'm Fat Albert. I'll be like, hey, hey, hey. Give me that pussy. I'm getting into white girls now, but y'all titties be tripping me out, boy. Y'all be having all titties and no nipples.

That should be weird as fuck. Bitch, I'm supposed to suck these invisible areolas you got. I'm gonna have to tattoo a nipple on your titties so I can suck this bitch. And that motherfucking blue vein be so sexy that it'll run down your tittie, boy. I wish I was a phlebotomy so I could take your blood, bitch. That should look lovely.

All right, thank y'all. Hell, yeah. How dare you make fun of our white girls titties? Them nipples being visible, Tony. All tittie, no nipple. I thought you were talking about your own chest. I didn't even realize it. Oh, look at the look on his face tonight.

He's ready. Look at this. Tony, you look like a gay Grim Reaper. Oh, you son of a bitch. He ready. He's like Tiffany Faddish. Tony got a sickle with a dildo on the hand. It is so insane that you can keep making these jokes so funny. A sickle with a dildo at the end.

That is absolutely incredible. Tony, I heard you went to jail just for the naked showers. Wow. I heard you went to jail just so you get Jesse Smollett's Subway sandwich from... Topical. Topical. That counts. Tony, you still from Walmart just for the pat-downs.

I think it's in the front, officer. You son of a bitch. D-Madness is laughing really hard at this as he's walking away. Tony, I heard your booty hole look like the bucket of destiny. All right. All right. Where's D-Madness going?

Is he going to raise your children right now? What's happening here? Hey, Tony, you don't get fisted. You get a drop kick to the ass. Drop kick is what they're going to call it when they have to take off your foot from diabetes. It's called a drop kick. It's a fancy drop kick.

Damn! I love it. That was funny, motherfucker. You stopped by momentum, goddammit. Look at that. Love those shoes. I love your wearing fucking UFOs on your feet tonight. Yeah, these are off-ways, man. What you got on?

These are some booty wranglers. Where'd you get those? Where do you get your clothes at? The place I'm going to tell them I got these shoes from is going to be a joke. I got them from this shoe boutique in L.A. called Cookies and Kicks. I can't believe I asked.

How perfect. Cookies and Kicks, and you went there for the cookies and left with kicks. We know where you go. You go to Dicks and Kicks. Oh, shit. We're doing this shit tonight, huh? Goddammit. Goddammit.

I heard you went to Dicks looking for condoms. Oh. Dicks for the goods? All right, fuck it. Damn. I like the shirt. Is that new David Lucas merch? Yeah, man. It's the David Lucas Roasters Club. Roasters Club? Yeah, get it at DavidLucasComedy.com.

And if you buy three shirts, Tony will give you a booty rub. Oh, you son of a bitch. That is true, though. I will wrap your booty. What's your merch, Tony? You probably sell anal air fresheners. Oh, you son of a bitch. How you do it? But I'm going to get one of those shirts. I like that Roasters Club.

Is it like Kenny Rogers Roasters? Red Bell, you trying to roast with that guy? No, I mean, Red Band trying to sneak one in over there. Looking like a school bus driver over there bitch. Wow. He does look like a... You are turning into a real school bus driver. Hey, come on, kids.

Mr. Ed from... That was my guys. He always wore a... Get to the back of the bus, David. Oh, Jesus. Red Band. Luckily, Red Band's a producer, so he'll be able to edit that part out himself.

It's incredible. Red Band got that jacket on like he a manager in the deli. Fuck it. So, how long are you in town for this time? I'll be here next Monday. Okay, sweet. I love it. What are you doing in town? What are you up to? Chilling with you, bro.

I love it. Beautiful. Absolutely. Austin, eat some barbecue and shit. Hell yeah. We're going to have fun. We always do. Hell yeah, bro. My man, another great new minute. So much fun as always. The one and the only, David Lucas. Go to DavidLucasComedy.com.

Get some of this new merch. It's really cool. I'll get one. I'm going to get one. I'm going to put it under my order name for him. A booty hole. Booty hole. B-O-T-T-Y-H-O-L-E. You guys ready to go back to this bucket?

You still with us tonight? You want more? All right. This is cool. Your next comedian goes by the name of Tina Short. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe we're going to get a lovely lady up here

for the first time tonight. Tina Short. Here she comes. Come on, everybody. She's been waiting all night for this. Tina Short. Hi. This is my first time doing stand-up comedy.

So... I'm not exactly sure what all to expect, and I kind of came underprepared. So I think that might be what my boyfriend felt whenever he made out with that tranny.

That's my boyfriend. So I feel the same. And we're actually from Missouri and the weather out here is so much nicer. We're walking down the streets

and all these girls are half naked, and I'm used to seeing barely skin on the people's face. So I kind of have to take a little look because it's different. And

my knees are a little wobbly right now. So... But yeah, it looks basically... You're good. There you go. A minute from Tina Short, everyone, her very first time. Keep that microphone, Tina. I'm going to interview you.

Hi. Wow. Look at you. Welcome, Tina. How are you? Pretty good. It's okay. Just put it anywhere. But right there, really. Put it behind you. Really bizarre. I don't think you're allowed

on this ride, according to Tina. Welcome. Hi. Incredible. I've always wondered what Dylan Sullivan would look like if he had braces. So this is very exciting. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That's so mean. I don't know why I did that.

Welcome to the show, Tina. This is your first time doing so. What made you want to sign up tonight? Was this a spontaneous decision? So we were actually trying to get tickets, but you guys are extremely popular and sold out. Yes. Months in advance. Thank you for mentioning that.

I never get sick of hearing it. We'll have you here next time. But yeah, so my boyfriend's really into your show and watching. Are you really dating the guy that fucked the transgender? Yeah. And he didn't actually do anything with him.

And what? I think he did. Hold on. Hold on, Red Band. Because she's talking. So like, when you're talking, she's talking. I want to hear what the last word that you're saying is in this sentence. Say it one more time. He didn't actually do anything with...

With her. Oh, is that what you said the first time? I'm telling you it wasn't. Gotcha, bitch! It wasn't. I wish there was a way we could re-wind right now. Let's do it right now.

And he didn't actually do anything with him. And what? There you go. No, it's not going to pop up up there. You're adorable, though, for thinking that. That's adorable. How long have you had braces for? Um... For those of you just listening to the podcast,

her teeth are filled with metal. I mean, those are like legit, like 1993 braces right there. Those come with a water bed or something like that. And I... I know. Those are legit braces. How long have you had those for?

About a year and a half. You're absolutely adorable, Tina. What do you do for work? You're an insurance adjuster. No, I actually work at General Motors in Missouri. Wow, okay. We're wanting to move

and transfer down here. So we thought we'd take a week and come and see all the lovely people. Yeah. You work at General Motors and your boyfriend has been with Genital Motors before, so that's pretty exciting.

It's a small world. Yeah. Again, that doesn't really make sense, but it's still funny for some reason. I love it. So, Tina, did you know about all this, about him making out with a trans girl and things like that?

I did, yeah. Did you ever rub up against the penis of the lady that he was making out with? I believe him. You believe him. You have no reason to think that he's lying.

When you guys first made out, did you taste sausage in his mouth or was he just kidding? I'm kidding. All right, all right, all right. You guys are wild. All right, how about you? Have you ever been with anything

outside of the typical boring normal white guy type of space? Yeah. Yeah? Wow, look at you. Damn. Oh, shit. The black men in the room are celebrating

the wild right now. I almost said going bananas, but I figured that'd be racist, so I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. He's laughing. You can all relax. Okay, so you've been with a black man. Now, can you tell us something that was

different about being with a black man than you noticed with white men? Whatever comes to your mind, Tina, write into the tip of that microphone. Don't listen to the red-headed girl in the front. Don't listen to fucking bad baby up here.

We know that clearly she's with fucking Dr. Pepper here behind her, so... That's... I just thought of that right then. That might be my new favorite thing to call black people. What's up? Dr. Pepper over here. Like, what does that mean?

I don't know. When you write these things yourself, you can... You can't really make the news about it. See, the one thing I've learned is don't use old racial slurs. Come up with new ones. All right. What's the...

What did you notice personally? Not one of the stereotypes. What did you notice your experience with a black man is different than being with a white man? Again, I want you to really enunciate when you say it. I don't want this to be like a little quiet, innocent

thing. I want you to nail this right now. The lips are a lot larger. All right. Somehow, that's the most racist thing I've ever heard in my life. That is not what I was expecting.

Let it be honest with you, Tony. They talk a lot during movies. Like, whoa, Jesus, Tina. Oh, my God. Wow. Well, Tony, I'm a little bit shy about this, but he did steal my wallet

at the end of the experience. That was... They're known to be late. You're so adorable, Tina. You're such like a likeable person. You're not funny at all, but I mean, you're such like a

sweet... sweet person. As far as you guys know. Oh, shit. What's wild about you? What would surprise us about you, Tina? It seems like you're coming out of your shell a little bit over here. This is a fucking little ninja turtle

or something. It's actually the little pink power ranger, so... Okay. I don't know what that means, but I do believe your boyfriend once had a little power ranger. Basically... What's wild about you?

I have a ball python. Oh, you have a python? Holy shit. He's pretty large. Wow. Okay. We're still talking about the black guy that you've been with. No. It's very exciting. You cut off his penis and put it in a tank

just to intimidate your white boy friends. Have you ever fucked around with your snake? You ever did like the magician's like handkerchief? You know what I'm talking about? No. Jesus fucking Christ, man. Wow. All right.

So you have a snake. What else? Give us one more wild thing about Tina Shore. Before we let you go, I got to know something else wild about you that would surprise us. Because again, you seem so innocent. You seem like right out of like a Disney... I don't...

I don't know what really, but... All right. Thank you. What else is wild about you, Tina? I'm not really sure. Off the top of my head, I like to dance. Oh, you do? What type of dancing do you do? I'm...

I'm more into a lot of, like, the oldies. So... You guys know how to play any oldies? You can dance real quick. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. That's a real Missouri right there. Hell, yeah.

All right, all right, all right. That's enough. I already came in my pants. That's enough. That's perfect. That's all it takes for me to... She was like, I love to dance. And then you, like, moved your hip twice. Yeah.

But she's so sweet. It was, like, naughty and wrong. I got it. Yeah. You could just tell that she doesn't normally, like... Whatever black guy that you were with that saw you dance like that was, like, I'm gonna... I'm gonna slay that pussy tonight. I am going to fuck this nerd

into a Bolivian. I bet you just fucking swallowed the pillow hole that night, huh? He just fucking... I bet you didn't even need braces until that night. That's it. We're doing it tonight. All right.

Tina, I... I gotta say it, man. You know, really, for the first time you did everything. You executed. You spoke clearly. You were super fun in the interview. Congratulations on getting pulled and getting to experience it. Thank you.

Here's a big joke book. Take a big Kill Tony joke book. Take one of those. Congratulations. Come on. It's their first time ever doing it. Tina Schwartz. Should we go to this bucket one more time, huh? All right. Let's do it.

All right. Okay. Your next comedian is Mason Smith. Mason Smith will be your final bucket pool of the night. Here he is, everybody.

Mason Smith. Make some noise for Mason, everyone. Holy shit. I just did a bump of ketamine. I'm fucking ready to go. Yeah! The people ever tell you before you got married

that sex was going to slow down? Well, they said it to me and I got to tell you, Monday through Thursday it's more of a proficiency thing. You know, you get in, you get out but if I could catch my wife on a weekend and get her just drunk enough or high enough,

she'd be willing to get a little wacky. You know what I mean? That's why I was so stoked last weekend. We're laying in bed. We're naked and she looked at me and she said, hey, you want to lick some whipped cream off my uh... And I was like, hell yeah.

And I ran to the fridge. I got the whipped cream and I come back and I went to put it on her hoo-haul for the first time and it just went shh... shh... It's a sad day when a man's excited

to put whipped cream on his wife's pussy for the first time and the actress left in the can. It's even more sad when she realizes that her 30-year-old husband has been doing whippets with her $14 can organic whipped cream.

There you go, Mason Smith doing all of his time and then some... Welcome, Mason. Have you been on the show before? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years? Awesome. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I started in Boston. Okay.

And I've been here since October. All right, sweet. What made you want to move here? I went through... I left my wife. Oh, wow. Damn. To come here. Wow. You know you could have just bought more whipped cream. Yeah, yeah.

What made you leave your wife? How long were you with her? We were together for about almost eight years. There was a lot more stuff that it's not worth getting into, but it was like... I wanted to pursue my dreams. Sounds like domestic violence, but we'll move on.

No. I love her very much. We're still on good terms. Did you make kids? No. Dylan Sullivan, what do you think about this? Hey, did you leave her in a national forest? It seems like... You just seem like that. You do have a look. You know me! Stop that! You do have a look.

Mason, so what do you do for work? I... I move furniture and work here. Okay. You work here at Vulcan Gas Company. All right, awesome. Absolutely. You move furniture. You just got here in October. Have you been with another girl other than your wife yet?

No. Really? Wow. So you've only been with one woman in the past eight years? Yep. Really? Yep. Wow. Have you even kissed a different girl in the past eight years? I would rather not do that if that's what you're about to do. I don't... Why would you rather not do that?

Because my wife loves the show. Oh, my God. And she thinks you're a dick, but she likes the show. Damn. I love it. I can't believe you ran out of the can, but you're still whipped. This fucking guy... That was really fucking good.

Yeah. Out here trying to please the fucking court that you left. That's incredible. You don't want to kiss the girl because she'll be mad if you kiss the girl. No, it's... I just don't want... I still love her very much, and I don't want to rub it in her face

that I'm going to get some trim. Do you want a trim? Some trim? What trim? We're hanging out with the side of a truck. Roll out! I love it. Jesus Christ. It's the kind of guy that puts his dick in a muffler.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Just out here getting some trim. Gotta... All right. So, you... Would you like to perhaps try to get her back? We just went through that discussion over the last, like, six weeks.

It's not happening. Because she refuses to move here and I refuse to move back to Boston. Why does she refuse to move here? Because she says Texas is, like, the worst. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Okay. I... What a... I didn't say that. Wow. What a cunt. Does she have that... Now, and only now, do I insist. Is there a girl out there that wants to come up here

and give this guy a big kiss on the lips? It's a famous thing in this show's history. There's always a cool lady out there that's down to do it usually. Come on. Does anybody want to make a wife in Boston mad tonight? Ah.

Forget it, Mason. Facial hair scares the girls away. Why did you censor all your jokes instead of saying you're dick? Like, you're like... I don't think it's funny to say... Like, Jimmy...

Like, Fallon funny. I mean, Fallon makes millions of dollars a year, so... Well, Red Band, my wife loves Jimmy Fallon. So, you know, that's the type of material that I'm into doing because even though I left the bitch,

I still tailor the decision that I make around her. I mean, we talked about it, we decided we're not moving forward no more, but fucking, you know, I'm not telling her what I'm doing with my... I think that's just rude. I don't care for that.

One bit. I love it. I love it. How about that, dickhead? Thank you, Mason. Whoa, you son of a bitch. I love it. My friends are the ones going, oh, the hardest right now I already called his wife a cunt, people.

This one was over long ago. Mason, you're a real gentleman. I like your style. You have real balls. I love that you're chasing your passions. I mean, you clearly left a woman that you're truly in love with to be out here

doing this, telling dirty jokes and having fun, and it seems like you love it, so congratulations to you, my friend. Thank you very much, Tony. That's what you love to do, and that's what you do. Did you make a joke book last time you were on? I did. You got a big one? I did, yeah.

There he goes. Mason Smith, everybody. Can I have a little one just for fun? What? You got a little one last time? No, no. Can I have one? Sure, absolutely. I like that. There you go. One more time for Mason Smith, everyone. Drink my little... There he goes!

Mason Smith, everybody. Jesus, this fucking people. He'll leave his wife, but he won't leave the stage, this fucking guy. Are you guys ready to end this thing with a fucking bang or what? Then I present to you one of the greatest stars in the history of the show, perhaps,

one of the biggest comedy stars in all of Austin right now. This guy's going out on the road with me on my new 2022 tour. He's been opening for Joe Rogan. He's the longest standing regular in the history of the show,

and another soldier that moved out here, he had it made in Los Angeles and took a chance moving out to Austin. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Live to close the show. It's really him. Come on, people. Make some noise.

David Lucas was just selling Jared and Nathan Ecstasy in the green room. I think y'all should know. Also, I'd like to give it up for my sisters in the front row. They've finally made it today. Beast of No Nation makes apocalypse now look like Ernest goes to camp.

Things are looking up. They recently filmed a photo of Farmville in my butthole. Hello, my name is William Montgomery and my adverbs are always indeligently. And if you have to know, my prepositional phrases are in addition to and on top of. This next joke is dedicated to

you, Red Band. I just saw where they're using Viagra to treat Alzheimer's patients. They don't want to do anything to cure the Alzheimer's disease, but it does keep them from wandering around because all they do is sit around and stare at their dicks. I was a mouthful

and I stumbled on it. Now you're making fucking dumb noises after it, Red Band. I don't know. The other day I was watching Nick Jr. Did y'all know his dad is Nickelodeon? All right, that's all I have. Thank you. William Montgomery. Another brand new

minute and some change on that one. A little minute, 20-25. Right in there. You did it again, William. Another very powerful set. Your charisma. I loved it. You called out David Lucas and Jared Nathan. You acknowledged the room. Your

red-headed sisters here as I call them trans gingers. No, it is so nice. Y'all finally came. I mean, it's been what, six years? It's been like six years since we last saw one another, so it's the little red machines.

Wilma Montgomery is here, everyone. Yeah, I mean, I can't believe it. It's been like six years since we last hung out, so. At least six. What was it like growing up with your sisters? What did you used to do when you were a little kid? Just normal

stuff. Just amongst sisters. A lot of makeup. A lot of nails. A lot of putting on clothing that my mom thought was strange. It was a lot of her bras. It was a lot of her

panties. It was these really nice slips she would put under her dresses. Those always felt really good against my skin. William, so how's life been? You look thinner than ever. I think you're doing it, dude. It's really incredible.

He quit drinking a few months ago. It's been what, like six months? I've been doing a bunch. Yeah, I haven't been drinking and also, I don't know if y'all do this, but I've been binging and purging. I've really been able to get the weight off. Just eating a whole pizza or two.

And then just fucking getting on my hands and knees in front of the fucking toilet. Vomiting everywhere. It's splashing all up on the fucking toilet bowl. Wow. Wow. You've been vomiting a lot, huh? Yeah,

and I had to stop playing Grand Theft Auto. I was able to beat San Andreas, which was very exciting, but I injured my right arm somehow. My forearm. I think it was from playing too much. I immediately thought I had bone cancer or something, but I... It's probably carpal tunnel.

What red band? It's probably carpal tunnel. It's one red band. Shut up, dude. I fucking told you last time don't talk during my shit up, man. I fucking told you last week. I'm doing it right now. Yeah, no shit you are. You're really fucking this up for me right now. Oh, I am? I was fucking told

you last week. I am? Yeah, I fucking told you last week. Aw. Shut up. Why'd you just fucking do that, dude? Aw. William gets really mad at stuff that red band does every week on this show, it seems. Because me and his girlfriend

make out all the time. Me and girlfriend? Yeah, yeah. You know all about it. Me and all the time. Me and Erica fucking make out all the time. Okay, red band. Let's get back to William here. I swear to God I will get the fucking guns out of my trunk red band. Oh, you always have guns in his trunk.

I have two fucking guns right now! I love looking... I have hollow point bullets in those guns! I have hollow points now! I have hollow points now! This is my favorite part, is looking at it the people that have never been here before

at this part. Specifically, when he starts talking about the guns. It's always fun to see the one or two new people in there. They are so heavy in your hand. When you have both of them out just pointing both of them at somebody.

They are so heavy. I love, yeah, just getting them both out and just pointing them at people just feeling how heavy that fucking gun is. You have multiple guns in your trunk right now. What types of guns are they? Two six-hours. Oh, wow!

Damn, look at you, dude. Isn't that a gun? I think that's a gun. Yeah. Yeah, I got two six-hours. Hell yeah. Call them Sour Patch Kids back in the day. And how often do you fire these guns? Ah, shit. Every single fucking night

off of my little porch. Wow! Just into the coldest sack that I'm fucking facing. Does anybody ever call the police on you or the neighbors ever concerned? No, I'm doing it really late at night. I'm doing it like three in the morning. Yeah, people never call the police when they hear

gunshots at 3am. You're right. I can't believe I didn't think of that. Yeah, no, he's called the cops. I mean, I've done it for, I don't know, two weeks now. Where we at with the raisin bread addiction, William? We found out that when you quit drinking six months ago you ended up eating

a lot of raisin bread. How much raisin bread have you eaten in the past week? I have a a bit of a confession to make. Ooh. I have never liked fucking raisin bread.

Whoa! What? I don't know why I ever fucking brought up that I liked raisin bread. I hate this shit. I hate it. What? For months you told us that you... Yeah, for months I was lying to everybody.

Wow. For months I was lying to fucking everybody and I loved it. How much did you love it? It was very... How much did I love it? How much did you love lying about raisin bread to these people that love you?

I mean, you lied to these people. I fucking loved it. William. Lying to everybody. It was a fucking rush. Just that. No, and I had those guns out in the trunk. It was the ultimate rush up here. William, no.

Just thinking I'm lying to all these fucking people. I have fucking guns in my trunk. I just got hollow point bullets. You did. Where did you get hollow point bullets from? Cop killers. Just ignore red band, William. Where did you get hollow point bullets from?

At a Walmart. Oh, wow. I didn't realize those were for sale there. I don't know if you know this. I go to Walmart a lot and I steal stuff just for the pat-downs I learned tonight. Just so that another man will pat my crotch and butt-butt. I call it a butt-butt now.

Your butt-butt. That's sweet. Yeah. William, the one thing that I'm really interested in, because a lot's been moving fast out here in Austin. You have a lot of... You've been opening for Rogan. You've been doing sold-out shows almost every night of the week.

What are you looking forward to? What's like something in this upcoming year, 2022? You have any goals or anything? I would like to own some sort of parcel of land, build a tree house and just fucking sit up there.

Have a bench up there. Just fucking sit up there every night and shoot my fucking guns off the fucking porch of that fucking tree. I'm gonna fucking do it! So stupid. You're the best, William.

Dylan, what do you think about William? You've gotten to watch him. We've all worked together for years. Oh, yeah. Well, I've known William for a long time. William, you just went viral last week. Yep. I don't know if I would say 500 views

on my Aunt Mary's YouTube is viral, but it might be. That's pretty good. What do you like about those guns, William? Again, I think it's the weight. Just holding two things out in front of me. They're fucking... just the weight of them.

Cool. All right. Well, there you go. Perhaps the most Texas ending to a show is possible. Just not really funny at all. Just some good old talk about how heavy guns are. You know what I mean? How loud can this place get

for the great William Montgomery, everybody? Kill Tony. Live in Austin, Texas. Brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. Blue North, Herbatka, Seltzer. How about a hand for my guest tonight, Dylan Sullivan, everybody.

He's on Instagram. And how about one more time for the band, everyone? The screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on drums. Matt Mueling on guitar.

John Dees on the keys. And the great D. Madness on bass guitar, everybody. We did it again. You guys know what's up. So much fun. It's a amazing drawing from Ryan Jebel tonight. It's his birthday tonight, also.

Happy birthday to Ryan Jebel. How fun is that? And yeah, we had so much fun here with you guys. We love it. We're sold out for months in advance and we love that we could come out on a cold little fucking quiet Monday and rock the street

with you guys. So thank you so much for coming out. Thanks, guys. Good night, y'all. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.