KILL TONY - #538 - DAVID LUCAS

Episode Date: January 1, 2022

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/20/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He

draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band. Come to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for TonyHinchCliff. Fuck yeah people. Come on Austin, we need to make a lot of noise to the people at home. Fuck yeah, we're back. It's Brian Red Band everybody.

Hey what's up? And how about a hand for the band everyone? That is the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on drums there, Matt Mueling on guitar, D-Madness on the bass, and the great John Dees on the keys. This is Kill Tony Live brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, the two best strip clubs in all of America. Just so happen to be here in Austin, Texas. How exciting is that? Sometimes I go there just for the hamburgers. A lot of people don't know this. Great food. We're all class hamburgers. Yeah. D-Madness, you

ever been to a strip club before? Yes. Do they let you in for free? What do you do? Do you just like, you just sniff them or something like that? Oh shit, alright. Oh yeah, you're allowed to touch. Okay. You know what? I might play that. I might pretend to be blind next time I go to one of those places. I swear I have to feel. The poor girl with lipstick, he's just touching her face and it's just spreading lipstick all over her face. Alright, anyway. This is also brought to you by Blue North or Vodka Seltzer, a local company as is the great CM Smokehouse, an unbelievable barbecue over at Bolden Acres. We have joke books custom made by Bonesi, local

artist, a former taxidermist turned joke bookmaker. Follow him on Instagram at Bonesi with a Z in the middle. And the great Ryan J. E. Belt is drawing tonight's episode live from Los Angeles as we speak. So with that said, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you, the listener for free right now. You know, it's a new year, beautiful 2022. And I am looking to accomplish all of my new year's resolutions. And how am I doing that? By making sure that I stay hydrated this year, all year long, my most hydrated year ever, thanks to my favorite hydration product, Liquid IV. One stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more

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Once more, that's promo code Tony for 25% off yo delta home of the delta eight that will get you super high. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what, huh? Great. We have a guest as we do every week always the funniest possible guests that we could possibly have in town. And this is the guest this week. Ladies and gentlemen, a regular here on kill Tony known for his incredible roasting skills. This is David Lucas. Everybody kill Tony vet legend of the game and my arch nemesis in roasting. Yes, sir. Over 15 hours of continuous roast jokes, maybe me and this man. If you put them all together, it is a lot of roasting, but I'm proud of you. Yeah, it is, bro. You're out here killing it. You've been doing shows with Rogan and I every week here in town. Of course, you you're

from on the all deaf digital platform. You're when you're in LA, you're at the comedy store. Yes, you're also famously the music next man. So that's exciting. I must be a lot of money. I should call you David mucus. Instead of David, Tony thought he had on me crying. He had to do a booty swab. Well, I do enjoy the test process when they offer me a booty swab. I'm always like, I think I need an enema. Son of a bitch. David, you know how this works. A bunch of comedians signed up in this bucket. Tons and tons of names here. And if I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand up comedy and make us laugh. You know, your time is up in here. The sound of a kitten means wrap it up. Then I'm going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I

interviewed them. I asked them a bunch of questions about their life. And we find out more about these people. Sometimes it's completely insane people. Sometimes it's an amazing local talent that's been waiting for the opportunity. You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what, huh? Before I go to that bucket, let's start with another regular. This guy was made a regular here in Austin, Texas. He kicks off every show now here. We watch him develop every week. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Hans Kim. Here we go. A brand new minute by Hans Kim. This is Kill Tony. One more time for Hans Kim, everyone. Come on.

Hey, what's up, guys? I grew up Christian as an Asian person, which is kind of weird because the people who wrote the Bible didn't even seem to know that Asians existed. They could even drop us a line. Hey Asians, great job in eventing fireworks and the compass. Back to the Jews, my favorites. Some people say that the Bible is the good book. I think Old Man and the CU is better. What kind of book introduces the main character two-thirds of the way into the story and then kills him off four times in a row? The rest of the book is just fan fiction. I'm an atheist now because I think it'd be stressful to have an ideology that could be

destroyed by facts. You're walking down the street like, oh, shit, a fossil. Fuck, I guess that could have been blowing dudes this whole time. All right, that's my time. Thank you very much. Wow. Amazing. Every week, a brand new minute. You think that's easy? It is not, but you make it look that way, Hans, and that's incredible. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, Hans. How you been doing? What's going on in life? What's happening? Good material. Love it. Good stuff. You did that. I did the move from the van to the apartment and then I moved from an apartment to a house that I'm house sitting. Wow. The general manager of Rogan's new club, Curtis, generously offered his house to me. A lot of information you gave there.

You're going to give out the address as well. Perhaps people after the show want to swing by the general manager of the comedy store's house that he's nice enough to let you stay at because you sleep in a van. And was this the same house you just did a live stream podcast at and you had like 14 people in your kitchen? Like you had a party at this house that our friend let you stay in? Yeah. Wow. You had a party and you live streamed it? Yes. Oh, shit, Hans, you're sort of dumb. It's incredible. So smart yet. There's just some something missing there. How was this party for you? What'd you do? Did you do any drugs? We did marijuana. Somebody called the police on this fucking guy. Marijuana. Look out. Yeah. I mean, I did some upstairs too in the corner. Oh,

shit. They're here. They're pulling up marijuana. Did you drink that night? No. Did you hook up with a girl at all? No, not at all. Wow. What was the girl to guy ratio with this 14 person blowout? Her name is Candice Medina. She's very funny. Oh, what's her social security number? Again, we have to make the sound effect of Hans saying I don't think I said too much. Yeah. He said it a couple weeks ago. It was pretty amazing. David, you know, Hans, what do you think about this guy? Hey, man, you're gonna have to hate with me, bruh. I would love to. Because, dawg, you just passing out girls names. Are you? She's a local comedian. Yeah, bruh. I mean, but still, the chances you fucking her is high. So you got to keep it a secret,

man, so you can get other bitches. That's true. Yeah, you don't want to tell, you don't want to tell it, bruh. You got to hate me a little more, bruh. You got to stop hanging with these open mics. You don't kill Tony. What made you say her name and what's your relationship with this young lady? She's a local comedian. She loves Catan. She's... Did you say loves to Tan? Yeah, settlers of Catan. Like the way out in the sun? No, the board game settlers of Catan. Oh, wow, what a dork. Wow. I got a little dizzy there. That was incredible. Not used to talking with dorks. So, like, my brain had to really do a dance there to understand the fuck you're talking about. It's called Catan. Yeah, it's white people shit. I know white people shit, but that's below white

people. That's white people. I know Magic the Gatherer. If Matt Mealing says it's white people shit, it's white people shit. Look at this guy over here. Really stands out as the dominant white guy in the band. Yeah. Wow, I didn't know that. Oh shit. D-Madness thought he was something else the whole time. God damn it. D-Madness thought he was hanging out with an Asian guitar player this entire time. Absolutely incredible. What else has been going on, Hans? You've been doing a karaoke or anything like that? I have been just not doing shitty open mics, been living in the house, just loving the home life. Not being in a van is pretty sweet. I've also kind of got freaky with a lady on last Monday. Ooh, freaky with a lady. Tell us more. She was like, hey, can I come over? I was like,

sure. Wow, would you guys do play risk together? We watch Starcraft too. Are you are you are you fucking serious? Yeah, the fuck's wrong with you, dude. That's what get girls pussy wet that you fuck with. Starcraft doesn't cutain. Soon as they sit down, he points a ceiling fan right at their pussy, just keep it nice and dry. You probably just bring a girl over and balance her checkbook and she's squirting. Oh my god, I got Asian 200 this month. How much Starcraft bullshit did you watch? We watched like five minutes of, you know, a little PVZ, Protossers Erg, action. What the fuck? I don't even know this. I'm about to beat the shit out of you, dude. I can't believe I'm about to publicly bully someone in front of an audience and cameras, but you thought you might

have thought I've learned my lesson by now, but I want you to start fucking with girls that watch Snowfall, BMF, and Power. Are those rap songs? No, those are those are those are those are black led television shows that are insecure. Yeah, watch a bitch, fuck a bitch that watch is secure, bruh. Stop, stop fucking these black and white TV show watching hoes. Yeah, the guiding light. I would love to. If you were to get a tattoo, what would you get? Probably the state outline of Texas on my chest. Oh shit. Damn. Should we do it next week on the show? You want to get a tattoo of Texas on your All right, great. Then we'll do that. There goes Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you.

It's an easy one. That's an easy out. You guys ready to go to this fucking bucket or what? This is where shit gets crazy. All right. Hans makes it look easy. Hans is a monster. Hans is much better at this than you are. However, this bucket, shit gets wild. Then again, sometimes it's a fucking killer waiting for their chance. Let's see what happens. Kicking it off tonight is Ray Shenevi, everybody. Here we go. Ray Shenevi. Happy 2020 too, Tony. Oh yeah, indeed. Welcome to the new year. Here he is, everybody. Ray Shenevi. Hi. So I know I look like the only girls who would fuck me have been sexually assaulted by Tobin McGuire. You don't need to tell me in the line at the DMV. Please. Dude screamed in my ear

while fucking me in my ass. I now have two types of aids. I have hearing aids and actual aids. When Ms. Potato Head Peas does vodka come out, I'm interested because I'm an alcoholic but also a pervert. So I think ISIS beheading videos would be a lot easier to watch if Around the World by Daft Punk was playing in the background. Ray Shenevi, everybody. There you go. Good work. What's up? Absolutely. You're reading out of that book like you didn't write those jokes. It's like someone gave that to you and was like, read it. I'll give you a thousand bucks if you just read it. It's right up. So at any moment when I'm doing this, I feel like I'm about to go into a psychotic breakdown. So that's why I love it, Ray. I love it, Ray. I'm glad you're back. You've

been on the show before. I've been on the show, yeah. Indeed. What did I say you looked like last time? You said I looked like a nutcracker, Tony. That's right. You do. You do. I'm gonna change it. This week I'm gonna say you look like a nutcracker that plays an organ at a haunted house. You said that by first kill, Tony. Really? Oh, wow. There you go. Perfect smash up. Combining the holidays. You do have the bone structure of an organ player at a haunted house. I love it. Yeah, it's like the nightmare before Christmas. All right. Ray, what's going on in life? Remind us of what we know about you. So, well, I talked about being in like a 3D artist, but that's like, we went through that. My first time we talked a lot about my sex life.

What did we find out there? I was fucking someone and then it stopped since then. Okay. Wow. What's going on now? Anybody new? Any dating life? Yeah, there's a new person. And she's a... Where'd you meet her at? I met her on Bumble, but I met her like right after I did Kill Tony the last time. And I don't think I can show her any of my Kill Tony sets because she's like a super PC person. Oh. And so I'm like kind of playing this like incognito mode where I'm like pretending I'm not, you know, what she'd deem a white supremacist. Right. Right. Interesting. What makes you attracted to a girl with a PC sense of humor? I don't know. I think I'm just putting up with it right now because she's pretty hot and I'm, you know... You look like that,

so it makes sense. Yeah. Exactly. I just gotta pretend that it's okay. Wow. Has she ever seen any of your sets? Yeah, actually like we were... Well, no. No. But we were recently hanging out and I like told her that AIDS joke. The dude, you know, and she literally, she was like laying on my chest and she went, wow. Right to my face. Wow. I didn't even know what I said. What does she think is funny? Like Amy Poehler and Tina Fey or something like that? Or like dogs falling on the ice or something, you know, some bullshit like that. I need fucking people getting the headed. And what's your favorite thing about her in bed? She have any special tricks or anything like that? Like a fucking crazy,

you know? No. I mean, she's just... It's probably the best sex I've ever had though. Why? Describe why it's the best sex you've ever had. What does she do that the other girls don't do? I don't know. But it was like very like... She does a lot of the work, I guess. That's probably a lot of... She does a lot of the work? Yeah. What does this mean exactly? She's... I mean, she's like very like active and like, you know, puts out. She doesn't just wait for me to fuck her, you know? It's like she gives back. Were you fucking a blow-up doll before this? You're not being very discreet. It sounds like anyone with any emotions at all is an upgrade for you. Yeah, exactly. Well, I mean, from the way I look, I... You exercise at all or anything like that? What's exactly your

regimen? You look like you have a period or something like that. I used to run a lot. I was on track in high school. Okay. I don't really exercise a lot anymore. I just, you know, except for biking and open mics. You look like you had brittle bones. You didn't drink a lot of milk growing up. Yeah, I didn't. You didn't? I can tell, bro. You just look sickly. Yeah. Thank you. Johnniecy. Yeah, bro. You look like you might get taken out by a sore throat. Yeah. Well, thank you. Thank you. What I want to know is what's the code to the shed where you got them little girls hitting that? And what's the address are we gonna rescue them? Fuck yeah. There is a real serial killer vibe that you give off. Have you ever thought about... Thank you.

Have you ever thought about hurting anyone? You ever kill like a baby bird or anything like that? Uh, no. Never nothing? No, I've actually never been in a fight or anything of any sort. You look like you'll strangle a goldfish. Just pull out the oxygen tube or whatever. All right, Ray. Well, good new minute. Very, very funny. You did it again. Your one-liner style works well on this show. Congratulations to you. There he goes. Ray Shenevi, everybody. Let's keep it moving. Let's get another name out of here. Angela Kay. Wow. Here we go. Angela Kay is next on Kill Tony. Here she is, everybody. One more time for Angela, everyone. Hi. My name is Angela Kay. I am a blurter.

That's like a squirter, but with my words. Yeah. Hey, fucker. Lay off the porn. Lay off the porn. Lay off the porn. Lay off the porn. Because during Felatio, this... What do you call it? What do you call it? This move right here? Do you know? It's called fucking stupid. And now I'm gonna tell you why. Let me tell you why. Let me tell you why. Okay, so first of all, first of all, when someone goes down on you, that is a privilege. Not a right, okay? So what is happening for you is so, so nice, but that shit can change real, real quick because the female human jaw can exert up to 101 pounds of pressure per square inch. So guess what, sugar nuts? She might be on her knees, but you're not the one in the power position.

I think you're gonna take your mommy issues out on my gag reflex. You lost your damn mind. Hi, Tony. Holy shit. All right. Wow. Wild. It's one of my favorite episodes of Jerry Springer I've ever seen in my life. The one woman to show. You're welcome. You're just having a blast. I'm not gonna fucking ball, man. Thank you. Party on Garth. Jesus Christ. Angela, you're out here scaring people. These poor innocent audience members that pay good money for a front row ticket and you're squatting down, fucking opening up your round rock pussy right in this guy's face. It smells delicious. Jesus. I think I saw a Trump vote fall out of your pussy a second ago. That was incredible. Little woodland creatures flying

out of there. Yeah. It happens. You are a wild, wild lady, huh? That's the vibe that I get. And you just started trying stand up comedy? No, I've been doing it for like two and a half years. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I'm having a blast with it. Oh my God. I don't know what that means. Two and a half years. You are the reason why the pandemic started. It turns out I'm so fucking literally. Right. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a disabled veteran and I do Instacart on the side. You do Instacart on the side. How are you a disabled veteran? What happened? It's called PTSD from a lot of bunch of fucking stupid shit that should have never happened. Right, right. What did you do? Did you surf tours or anything like that? I did one tour in Kuwait. Okay. Yeah. Kuwait.

Kuwait. Yeah. I was in the Navy. All right. What'd you do there? I was in the Seabees. I was a diesel engine mechanic who specialized in paperwork. Thank you. All right. You get laid a lot over there. A lot of soldiers just pounding it out. No. That's a lot like trying to fuck a comic. You don't want to shit where you eat. I guess. Makes sense, right? All right. Angela, two and a half years ago you started. Where do you live? I live well in Round Rock. Still got it, baby. Say again. Just another Monday. I still got it. And you do Instacart. So you're buying groceries for people. Yeah. It sucks. Yeah. What do you do for fun? Well, let's see. You seem like the kind of lady that likes to fucking throw axes or something

like that. Well, that would be fucking great. I like I like to fire weapons. She got really excited there. I like to fire weapons and like bake cookies and shit. Wow. David Lucas just came in his pants. Well, I mean like I once fired a 40 millimeter grenade launcher. That shit's it's great. Does that help your PTSD, by the way? Say again. Does that help your PTSD firing all these weapons and like machine guns? Yeah, a little bit. I bet you need a tranquilizer on the 4th of July. I don't need tranquilizers. I don't. Do you ever do drugs? What do you do for fun? I do. Well, I like the natural stuff. So I like mushrooms and weed. Mushrooms and weed. Yeah, occasionally cocaine. It just depends on. Whoa. Look at this little mishonesty over here. It's natural.

It comes from a plant. It's just like don't step on it with your fucking baby laxative, man. Like that's some nasty shit right there. Stop cutting my fucking cocaine. Don't cut my shit, bro. Right. Yeah. Like I'm fucking, dude, I'm paying you money. Don't cut my shit. Stop that. Stop freaking people out. I got a question for you. What you got, baby? When you did your jokes, what part of gone with the wind was that? Wait, gone with, I haven't even seen that yet. My grandma used to watch that shit. Wow. I guess I'm the only country boy on stage. Hell yeah. It sounds like an excerpt from Gone with the Wind. You're a country boy. Where you from? Georgia. Georgia. We're at Georgia. All right. That's enough of this fucking interview. Angela. You're acting like a real Angela right

now, Angela. Do you want to know anything else about me, Tony? What? I said, do you want to know anything else about me? Yeah. How's your niece Honey Boo Boo doing? I don't know. What does she look like now? What's the most hillbilly white trash thing about you other than the shirt that you're wearing? I don't know. You chew tobacco or anything like that? That's nasty. Sunflower seeds in your truck or some kind of car do you have? I don't know. I once did the booty clap for Jimmy Kimmel. Wow. What does that mean? I don't know. I just didn't want to answer your question because I wasn't sure how. So you just said an action and then a celebrity's name? No, it really did happen though.

Okay. Well, why don't you tell us about that? Oh, you want to know? Okay. That's what that question means. We're losing her, folks. It's not a short story. Some anti-depressants mixing with something right now. No, fucking Lexapro is a bitch. It's harder to come off of the mess. Like that's some, yeah. Anyway. I know. I always say that. I always find myself talking about Lexapro. Brody, our old friend worked for him. Enjoy that. Thank you, Brody. Angela, anything else crazy we should know about you or your life? A fun fact about Angela Kaye before we let you out of here? I don't know. I think that you kicked my friend's ass at pool the other night. We have somebody in common. I'm positive I did. If I played a friend of yours in pool. He said you kicked his ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did. Now I know who you're talking about. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, they were really confident too. Angela, Angela, Angela. Two and a half years, huh? Where do you see this going for you? Man, you know what? I would love for things to happen. Like it's a lot of fun. I just like to talk shit and make people laugh. I would 100% honest, recommend not doing what we were talking about earlier. Yeah, you want to play to the whole audience. It's already hard enough with how you've written your material. I think get squatting down and pointing it directly at people's faces. Don't do that. You're automatically losing them. Yeah, really? Yeah. And I think it's a trickle effect of everybody behind them

thinking, Oh my God, what if I was that person that she's doing that too? That makes me uncomfortable. So then everybody's uncomfortable. Honestly, I don't even know what you said. Yeah. I don't think anybody has any idea. Once you squat down and you start looking right in an innocent man's eyes, look at this guy. Yeah. This is the guy that shuffles and snowing home alone. Nothing innocent about him. Oh, Angela, it's great when you talk over chips that do work though. Thank you, Angela. You're really good at this. There she goes. Angela Kay, everybody. Angela Kay comedy. What did I tell you? I told you this bucket's crazy. Didn't I fucking tell you? Oh, Maximus. Something bad handwriting on the name. Maybe Lawless Maximus.

Whoever's Oh, here he is. Look at that. Wow. Come on. One more time for Maximus, everybody. Before I begin, I just want to give a quick PSA. Never trust a man wearing jeans in the YMCA sauna. I was almost raped by a man wearing jeans in the YMCA sauna. He told me he was a physical therapist. He told me he could help soothe my back pain. Then he told me to touch my toes. The rest is history. I wasn't beating the shit out of him. I was a minor. I'm going to do a few quick jokes now. If I was an airhead flavor, I would be the flavor white mystery. They say that laughter is contagious. Well, it's also the best medicine, so that's good.

I was in Mykonopy, Florida. I do it. I was in Mykonopy, Florida. I saw a dog with dreadlocks. It was a white dog. Horrible, I know. Cultural appropriation has spread to the animal kingdom. Jesus Christ. That's your last quick joke if you're going to do one. Next thing you know. You waited for your, you waited, you put your 25 second long joke at the end after saying, can I do one more? Wait, can I finish? Nope. That was it. That's the whole point is the minute. It's a format of a show. If I say yes to you, that means every doofus is going to fucking back load their set with a long story at the end. But welcome, welcome, Maximus. How are you?

What's your last name? Meisenheimer. Meisenheimer. Oh my God. What the fuck? He's sounding like a World War II nightmare. Maximus Meisenheimer. I love him. Huh? What? Nothing. Welcome, Maximus. I loved you in the Pixar film Moana. What's your story? How long you been doing this? Six months, five days. Okay. Very good. Does he sound like William to you? He sounds like he's trying to. Cadence. His cadence is like William. I like that guy. I've been DMing him a lot. Yeah, bro. Stop that shit. Stop stealing people's cadences, man. I like him. All right. That's enough of that. Maximus, let's find out about you. How old are you?

I just turned 21. 21? Wow. I've been drinking a lot. Okay. Okay. You make any bad decisions yet? I've been drinking a lot. Yeah. After the drinking? I like gimlet. Gambling? Gimlet. The drink. Okay. All right. What do you do for work? I'm a retired coal miner. Um, I really miss the caves. Maximus. Maximus, stick with me over here. You play a lot of like alt rooms in the six months that you've been doing stand-up? A lot of the- I don't know. I'm from Gainesville, Florida. That's where I've been doing it. You're answering questions that I didn't ask you.

Over here. Stop looking that way. It's not benefiting you at all. It's taking you out of this interview completely. So how long have you lived here? Are you just visiting? I'm just visiting. For how long? I think until probably Wednesday. Okay. Very good. Yes. This is great news. It's very, very good that you get back to that Gainesville comedy scene that's probably missing you right now. It's good. Right now there's an alligator taking your spot at an open mic. I made 40 bucks. Okay. All right. Maximus, relax. Maximus, relax. Jesus Christ. Look at this fucking guy. He's not a complete idiot. He got on the shattered backboards. And if you know anything about sneakers, it was like $700. So he's not a dummy,

but I don't know what the fuck he's doing. You're a rich kid. Your parents have money? Nope. No? Nope. Yeah. How'd you get those sneakers? I stole them. Where'd you steal them from? Miami, Florida. Yeah. Where in Miami'd you steal them? The mall. Yeah? Yep. What'd you do? You asked, you tried them on and then you just walked out? Yep. Really? No. I bought them. My parents are really rich. There you go. Very good. Maximus, I find you to be tremendously annoying. No. So have fun back in Florida. I'm going to get another complete stranger up here. There he goes. Maximus Meisenheimer, everybody. Here, have a joke book. Give him that. Have a joke book, Maximus. We don't shake hands. You go that way. Go back to Florida. Go to Florida, Maximus.

You guys having fun out there, huh? This is a real live show. You can feel it. This isn't like a, this isn't like your Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon up here. Taylor Pullinger is next. Taylor Pullinger. This looks like a new name. Feels promising. The touch of the paper feels promising. Taylor Pullinger. Oh, oh, look at this. Swinging around from the back. One more time for Taylor, everybody. Okay, so when people first meet me, in a few minutes, I start to do my version of Small Talk, which is the Where Is Taylor From game. And first they, we guess England, and then they guess Australia, and then they sort of think a bit and get creative, and they guess New Zealand.

But they're all wrong, because I'm from South Africa. And usually this leads to like the second question, which is my favorite question people ever ask me, which is, where is that? Which is a weird question to ask, because South Africa has the most self-explanatory country name of all the country names. But once they ask this question, then I know they're a little bit dumb, and I can start having some fun. And so I can tell them basically any story from my childhood, and they won't know whether I'm bullshitting them or not. And so, for instance, I could tell them that I've been bitten by a lion, which is true. But it was a baby lion, but then I was a toddler at the time, so I think that's a fair fight.

Wow. All right. Taylor Pullinger. Turns out the South African comedy scene is just slightly funnier than Gainesville, Florida. Welcome to the show, Taylor. How are you? I'm good. How long have you been in America? I moved here in 2014. 2014. What made you do that? I came for college. For college? Texas?

No. I was in Providence, but I live in New York now. You live in New York. What are you doing in Austin? Just visiting. Okay. For how long? Till the end of the week. Till the end of the week. Very good. I didn't want you to run into Maximus at the airport on Wednesday. No, no, no. I will not do that. I'm not going to do that. Be an awkward talk about what kind of conditioners you guys use or something like that.

What do you do in New York? I'm in grad school. You're in grad school. What are you studying? I'm doing my PhD in biomedical science. Wow. What are you going to do with that? What am I going to do? Are you going to lie to us about vaccines? No.

Oopsie-daisy. We're going to have to edit that part out of YouTube or else they're going to take down the whole episode. No, no. I do computational research. I just like write code. Talk with us right here. I don't know how it works in South Africa. I don't know. This is my first time doing this. It's your first time doing stand-up? Aw, adorable. Taylor, that's great. That was, it's scary. I'm so used to people that seem like they've been doing stand-up for their first time doing it for two and a half years tonight that I almost didn't even want to ask.

But that makes sense. That makes sense. First time ever. Is this something you've always wanted to do? No, not really. What made you sign up tonight? I'm a fan of the show. My boyfriend isn't even bigger fan of the show. And he's very jealous that I'm here and he's not. So I was like, I got to put my name in the bucket. Your boyfriend's a big fan of the show. Why is he not here? He's in New York? Yeah, he's working. What does he do for work?

He's in finance. Look at you. Hell yeah. South African money wire. You know what I'm saying? A little Nigerian prince. You know what I'm talking about, people? That is our official South African sound effect for those of you that don't know. That is what Brian thinks South Africa is, everybody. I love it. Is there anything you miss about South Africa? My family. Okay. And what do they do? They like mine for blood diamonds or something like that?

No. My one sister is in medical school. My other sister is in high school. And my dad is, he works at a bank. So he's also in finance. Dad works at a bank? Oh yeah. All right. Huh. What do you do for fun in New York? For fun. Let me ask you this because that's a typical question. I want to ask you this. Right now this pandemic is happening. I don't know how many of you have visited New York, but I performed in Madison Square Garden just a month ago, ate some steaks at some fancy restaurants.

You know, no big deal. Same life as yours. We're all equals here. You know what I mean? We're all equals. I got on the jet after that with my cowboy hats, just like you would. But I mean, obviously, and I spent 15 years in LA, obviously these, they're in the more liberal cities. Things are crazy. I mean, people running, sprinting, jogging, bicycling with masks on, driving with masks on, by themselves with their windows rolled up. I mean, it's just continuous. I saw it everywhere. I saw it the whole time and they're vaccinated. You have to be vaccinated to everything. What is it like being in Texas? How long you've been here a few days, right? Yeah, since the weekend.

How do you, how does it make you feel being here? Um, kind of the same. Oh, okay. That's right. You're used to South African slavery. So, I almost forgot that this is all just, this is all super free to you. That ended before I was gone. So, what's your favorite thing that you've done in Texas so far? My favorite thing I've done in Texas. Um, I really enjoyed the like. Have you ever cheated on your boyfriend with a blind bass player? No, I haven't. Oh, shit. First time for everything. How many do you think she should make love to D madness right now on this day?

D madness is playing along. I think that's a yes. Now I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Stop, stop that. Stop that. I can't do that because he's definitely going to watch this. Oh, he's definitely going to watch it. But if he wasn't going to watch, what if he just listens and we pretend like he didn't? That's cool. Have you ever been with a black man before? Really? And this guy, you met him in New York? I met him in college, but he's from New York. David, what do you think about this girl? What do you think about Taylor Pullinger? Yeah, she knows what she's doing. Okay. In line for in comedy.

I mean, as you know, you don't got to go to school. You dating somebody working in finance. You bullshitting. Like, I didn't say it was good. You didn't say what? I didn't say he was like good at it. Good at what? At finance. Oh, well, he weren't going to check cash in place. Can he do my tech? What kind of finance? Is he good in bed? Sorry? Is he good in bed? Is he good in bed? I knew you don't hang out with a lot of black guys. He's saying, is he good in bed? He is good in bed. Yes. Oh, yeah. What does he do that's special that other guys don't do?

Uh, I don't know. He ever brought he ever brought ice in the bedroom. David like David likes to bust out the cool whip and uh, he just eats it in the corner. Nothing with love making. He calls that faux play, everybody. Just a little faux play. All right, Taylor, uh, very, very, very, very, very cool. Congratulations on your first set ever. Even though you didn't really fucking rip it hard up here, I think you deserve a big jokebook from Bones Eyes. So take that back to New York with you. Tell them the great tales that, tell them the great tales that happened here. There she goes. Taylor Pullinger. And if you need a voiceover for like a Hallmark movie, give her a call.

Brad Brockman is next on Kill Tony. Brad Brockman. Here he comes. One more time for Brad, everybody. Come on. Hey, howdy y'all. Feels good to be back in Texas. This is my home state. You know, I just moved, fuck yeah, fuck yeah, Texas. I just moved back after a long time in a, and I'm not, I'm not super familiar with Texas politics. Uh, but one thing I have picked up on I don't think that Governor Greg Abbott stands for anything. He certainly doesn't stand up for women's rights. That's uh, that's just not how he rolls.

I am a little bit about me. I'm a proud member of the LGBTQ community. Fuck yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a Thespian. So if you don't know what a Thespian is, uh, you can take my word for it. It's, uh, it's pretty gay. And if, uh, if you do know what a Thespian is, you know, there's people in the LGBTQ community that don't think Thespian should be included in, uh, I think those people are really gay. Fuck yeah, Brad Brockman, everybody. We're gonna end it right there. Perfect. Very good. Welcome to the show. Is this your first time on the show? My first time. Yeah, thank you. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Brad. Welcome to the show. I love it. You look like Harry Potter's weed dealer. So true. Got that new fucking Hufflepuff,

you know what I'm talking about? I'm a Ravenclaw, thank you. Some of that fucking Slytherin Cush over here. I love it. Why do you know these terms? Now, that's how it works. Brad, how long have you been on standup? Four months. Four months. I love it. And you're from here in Texas. You said what part? San Antonio. Oh, yeah. San Antonio. A couple people made the drive tonight. Fuck yeah. And now you live here in Austin? I do. Very cool. Uh, what do you do for work? Uh, I just started as a barista. Nice. It's okay. Thank you. You have a lot of pride. I could tell by the way you answered that. Yeah. You feel like you're better than the job that you're doing. That happens. It's a Biden economy out there. People have to try to survive. Yeah. He looks like a barista, right? I mean,

look at that. Like slam poetry, espresso. How much you make an hour? Uh, too little. Brad, they paying like $18 an hour over here on Congress to fry chicken. You want to work at a bar? David can get you a job at a fried chicken place. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm all about it. Perfect. David's out here making dreams come true. Brad, I love it, man. Uh, what else? What else about you? What do you like to do for fun? Uh, I, uh, I like to do, I like to do music. Yeah. What do you do for musically? Mostly singing. Really? Yeah. A little bit. Okay. You want to sing something here tonight? Why don't you sing us a little something? Communicate with the band. These guys are

geniuses over here. Wow, right, right into that one. I don't know. No, no, no. That's a little, you guys know some like Amy, Amy Winehouse. She's kind of in my bag. Oh shit. Look at this. Hell yeah. All right, cool. I'm excited to see what happens here. There's a tension in the air. I've been doing this a long time. I feel something special is about to happen. Here he is singing a little jam. This is the debut on Kiltonia, Brad Brockman. Hell yeah. That's exactly what we like. This is a show of entertainment. Hell yeah. All the ladies are all fucking juicy in their pants now. I'm going to have to get fucking Hans Kim to bring his katan board game down here just to dry everybody out after that.

The ladies love that shit. A real fucking guy with bone structure up here singing Amy Winehouse. Testicles between his legs. Yeah. God damn right. Thank you. Wow. That's very impressive. You're a very talented man. Thank you. You get a lot of girls or guys. What are you into? What are you talking about? I'm currently practicing celibacy. Wow. How long you've been practicing that for? 24 hours? The fuck out of here singing like that. Not fucking anybody. That's a crime. I know. I know. It's involuntarily. You are really... Oh, it's not... How long has it been? The last time I had sex was about a year ago and it was pretty sex for my ex. It was sex with the ex. Wow. Yeah. All right. How about made out with a girl? When's the last

time you made out with a girl? A year ago. A year ago? Really? Yeah. Really? A whole year? Yeah. You know what? We got to take care of this. Is there a girl out there that wants to come up and give Brad Brockman his first kiss in a year? I'm sorry. We have the best, most beautiful fans here at Kill Tony and there's always a girl that ends up coming through for us. I'm sure there must be someone that's making their way to the stage. You got to take that nose. There's got to be. It always happens 100% of the time. This is a really good looking guy. He just sang Amy Winehouse. Damn. Not even fucking Angela K's running up here right now. I figured Angela K would at least come up here and scream in your face for a second. It's about my life. I don't know.

Come on. There's got to be a girl. It's been a year since his last kiss. Come on. Just come up here and shove your fucking tongue down his throat real quick. Stop being creepy about it. Damn. Something's happening. I can feel it. Here it comes. Oh, shit. Wow. This is Kill Tony. Live in Austin, Texas. Just simply what we do on Mondays, folks. This is what we do on Mondays. How did that make you feel, Brad? You seem very happy right now. You seem the type of happy that you just couldn't even you with even you with all your acting experience. I really believe that you're happy right now. I'm pretty excited. Yeah. Hell yeah.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Yeah. How are you going to go back to the church on Sunday? Looking like Joe Osteen. All right, Joe Osteen. That's all right with me, baby. Hello, brothers and others. Brad, that was a perfect appearance on Kill Tony. Thank you so much. Here's a joke book from the great Bones. I B O N E Z E Y E. A lot of people ordering their joke books for the holidays right now. You can buy your official kill Tony Joe book directly from him on Instagram bones. I work custom or custom. If you want to get anything customized and your wife's face on

of course, the great Ryan J. E belt also with a ton of kill Tony. Oh, and the volume three of the new kill Tony art book coming soon. Coming soon. All right. Oh, this is exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, this is this young lady's second ever appearance on the show. The first time she was on this show, she absolutely killed. We literally were talking about recently about how we wanted her to get back up here. She signs up every week. Make some noise for Molly Vivant, everyone. This is a very funny young lady. Come on, people. Make some noise for Molly Vivant. What's up, guys? Yeah. I'm into disabled guys. That's my kink.

My friends used to give me a hard time about it. They'd be like, Molly, you can't fetishize these people. It's wrong. And I'm like, I don't know. I feel like I've done a lot for the community. More than anyone who's ever told me I can't say the word retard, right? There's always some bitch, there's always some bitch that comes out the woodwork. She's like, uh-uh, you can't say that word. My brother's mentally handicapped and I'm just like, okay, I'm sorry, should I fuck him? Like, I get it. They have special needs, but I also have special needs. I don't really date disabled guys as much anymore, though. I think it's because my love

language is acts of service. They can't do much. One more time for Molly Vivant, everyone. Welcome back to the show, Molly. We had a blast with you last time you were here. Welcome back. Indeed, is that true? Do you really have a disabled fetish? Really? Oh my goodness. How exciting. Tell us about some of your wild things. You ever get ballsy with some palsy? What are we talking about here? You fucking down to the fuck? You know what I'm talking about? That set was dedicated to Jared Nathan and Michael Lair. Oh shit. All right. Wow. What did you do to Jared Nathan, the poor guy? I can't imagine how fast he must come.

He's slow in some way, he's faster than others. Really good at motorboating. I bet he is. He does it without even tits in his face. It's incredible. I love it. Molly, welcome back. You are an incredible human. We found out about you last time that you are a professional porn star. Isn't that incredible? Everybody's into something, folks. Everybody's into something. No, I'm kidding. For those of you just listening to the podcast, I will tell you that Molly's boobs aren't the smallest you've ever seen in your entire life. Even Demadness knows she has huge titties. He can feel it in the breeze. I saw him licking his finger and lifting it in the air earlier. Oh shit, he's got to go jerk off real quick.

I love it when you block my view. It's beautiful. He said your tits are blocking his view. For those of you that didn't decipher that properly, it is absolutely incredible. He's still yelling. He's literally at the urinal, still yelling at the show. Molly, have you done any scenes or porn work since the last time we saw you? Or is there anything we didn't cover last time that you think is interesting? We mostly just talked about my job. I told you little anecdotes about that. I've been trying to think about what I would tell you. I thought of two little quick facts about myself. Perfect. One time I interviewed at Burger King and I did not get the job. Damn, even with whoppers like that?

Nothing? Nothing on that? Jesus Christ, guys. Michael forgot he was on the show. He was laughing so hard. Give me a fucking something for that shit. You think we prepared for this? You think I'm like, dude, just say Burger King anything and I'll do this? Hell no, that's fucking comedy magic right there. You didn't get the job? No. I think it was a race thing. I'm not really sure. You think they were hunting for diversity? No, they had it there. I'm just a little Jew and I think that they like that. They didn't want a Jew working at Burger King. How did they know? Oh yeah, I forgot. She exposed her face, everybody. She made it look she has a Jewish face. I have those Anne Frank eyes. Oh yeah. But if Anne Frank had tits like that, she would

have gotten in more trouble real quick. I'm telling you, they would have heard her walking around the attic with those flippity floppies. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you hear something up there? Is there a small elephant walking around in the attic? I can't believe an elephant is one of the top 40 sound effects on this show, but it is. Wow. Okay, so you didn't get the job at Burger King. What did you end up doing? Where have you worked? I've been a nanny and I've worked in porn. That's pretty much the only nanny. One of the only nannies that will breastfeed your kids, by the way. A full meal. It's like an old country buffet eating off those. It specializes in triplets. What the fuck are you talking about? All right,

and nanny, what else? I also worked at Publix. I'm from Florida. If anyone's from Florida, that's oh shit. My other fun fact is my first hand job was in the woods and it was a double hand job like this. Wow. Two guys at once? Seventh grade. Wow. Hell yeah. Oh shit. Damn. Wow. Very rarely do Jewish people do two jobs for free, but I can't help myself. I can't help myself. I can't help myself. Wow. Two hand jobs in seventh grade. That's incredible. Did they finish? Yeah. Was it around the same time? No. No. One of them went really fast. Yeah. And the other one needed some extra work. How much longer are we talking about? Four minutes, 20 minutes? Probably about four, but I think to this day my left arm is stronger.

Oh wow. You think it's stretched out that day, huh? Okay. All right. That's a real hand job, for sure. That checks out. That's incredible. So double hand jobs in seventh grade. That's pretty advanced. When did you give your first blow job? Probably in sixth. I don't know. Whoa. Blow jobs first, hand jobs later. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. God damn. It's a shame you weren't around in the 40s. World War II may have never happened. Hitler would have loved you. Go for your short. Hell yeah. Incredible, Molly. Incredible. How are you liking Austin? You just moved here, right? Yeah, I love it. I love Texas. I lived here before, and that's why I moved back. I missed it. I love it. What have you been doing for fun around town? What's a girl like you get into?

I've started a girl gang at my apartment. There's, for some reason, like a girl what? A little girl gang at my apartment. There happens to be like six other girls my age that are like hot and cool, and we just hang out and chill. It's pretty cool. I bring them around here sometimes. Wow. Do you ever fuck any of them? It comes close a lot. Whoa. Damn. Maybe finger one of them, stretch that other arm out a little bit. You know what I'm saying? That's so fun. Molly, what else did I write down here? Oh, when you were doing your set, I wrote down triple D madness. That's what I read. I didn't know where I was or how I was going to say it. I was a triple D my freshman year of high school. I'm way past that. I love that. What do we call those? What are those exactly? Is that fucking

like Vin Diesel, triple X or something like that? What are those things? They're M for Molly. Is that true? Yeah, that's true. It's an M? Just a straight up M? M cup. M cup? Yeah. Damn. That's a Y. Now, my... Where are you, Red Bam? Well, I'm only a... Probably like a G. No. I'm at least an E, but my B for Brian. I wish I was a B. My cousin has that tit disease where her tits are literally elephant man tits. No, I have that. Don't stop growing. Every year, they get bigger, have to buy new. Right. And so what I was going to ask you is she has to go to JC Penney's and special order a brawl and she can only order like four of them at a year and they're like these high, like it takes like six to eight weeks. What's your question? Do you have to do that? Like do you have to like

order these special bras because they don't have that shit at Sears. No, but there is like a big and tall bra store in New York that I go to. Your boobs really get bigger every year? Yeah. That is incredible. Like if I get a reduction, I'm probably going to have to get one again. Wow. Yeah. Wow. But you think you'll ever do that? Not while they're my money. That's true, right? Do you have a sore back a lot? Yes. Have you ever weighed them? No, but it's my dream. Yoni, grab the scale real quick. Can we do that? Is that possible? I don't even think it's possible. Because we'd have to have a solid search. We'll have to go to the bathroom to do it. Well, no, you could probably place it right here. I can. Hey, I think we should try this.

Yoni, you got the scale. Is the scale? We've been weighing people lately. We need a stool. And also a stool. Perhaps a stool and a scale. This is the first in Kill Tony history. The first ever weighing of a boob, everybody. This is the show I always wanted to have since I was a little boy. And this is knocking it off my bucket list here. I'm looking at the photographer Joe White laughing right now. You know it's funny if a guy that's 140 years old is laughing. All right, this is the moment of truth. Molly's got a great sense of humor for those of you just listening here, thinking about getting us canceled. What's the best way to do it? Can you just sort of lean on it?

Yes, sit on David's lap. Absolutely. This is perfect. And she's pregnant, everybody. She's pregnant. Breaking news. Whoa. Oh my God. Eight and a half pounds. Holy shit. Oh my God. Wow. Wow. Our minds are completely blown. That's eight and a half pounds of flowers. I thought the thespian singing Amy Winehouse was going to be the highlight of tonight's show. Boy, did I have no idea that we'd be weighing boobs. Wow. Molly, you were built for this thing. You're so, so interesting. Every time we always have so much fun with you. Thank you so much for being such a great interview. Are you in town Thursday? Yeah. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Whoa. She just got booked on the,

on a real comedy show. Did you get, Molly, did you get one of these? Have you already have one? If you already have one, then all right, forget it. There you go. Here, take a small one. Take one of these. Put it in, put it in your cleavage sometime and watch it disappear. Let it go where it's only the bold Molly Vivant. Come on, one more time for Molly Vivant, everybody. She's on Instagram. And how did I get so sexy all one word? You got to love that. She's got fucking swagger. That chick's got more confidence than most of these bony boring bitches in the audience. How about one more time for Molly? You could, I think everyone can tell that I love big tits because I just keep saying one more time

for Molly, everybody. I'm just going to do that for the rest of the night. Try to find your only fans. All right, your next comedian. And we're not going to be quite as a sexually aggressive with her. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Anastasia Lawless, everybody. Here we go. A lot of girls tonight. We love that. Equal opportunity. The bucket of destiny. One more time for Anastasia. What is up, motherfuckers? So they say it takes 10,000 hours of practice to be an expert at something. And I have to agree with that sentiment because I've been sucking dick since I was four. And I still got motherfuckers from high school rolling in my DMs. Baby, I remember that dome you gave me. I bet you do, baby doll. I bet you do.

What do we have a lot of victim blamers in the crowd right now? Don't worry, you can laugh. If I could joke about it, you can laugh about it. Speaking about victim blamers, maybe that's why cops aren't in a hurry to catch pedophiles, you know? They're thinking about them future BJs, you know? I imagine the conversation to go something like this, Jim, I know pedophilia was a problem, but Clint, because there's always an asshole named Clint, you know? Clint, let's finish this last part together. But those broken bitches give the best BJs, you know? How about one more time for Molly, everybody? Molly from one comedian ago. I'm just kidding. Anastasia Lawless. Welcome to the show. Or as I call her, Molly Ultralight. Welcome, Anastasia. You were on a week or two ago,

right? Two weeks, yeah. Yeah. How does this one feel compared to that one? I know that I was going through some of my darker material, so I know that sometimes it lands and sometimes it doesn't. Okay. All right. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six months. Six months. What do you do for work? I got a job bartending because of the last shows on Yum. All right. By the looks of your greasy hair, I'm guessing Sixth Street? No. Shut up. Shut up. I love it. What do you do for fun, Anastasia? I like to go out with my friends and I like to refer to my friends. Okay. What are you and your friends do? We like to eat and smoke weed. Okay. Where do you like to eat? The Yellow Jacket is one of my favorite spots. Yeah, it's awesome. What's that place known for? They're

like a hole in the wall bar, but they have really good tapas and stuff as well. All right. Okay. And then I like to refurbish furniture as well. All right. How many cats do you have? We went over that last time she died. Your cat died. Yeah. I have dogs. Yeah. Right. When your cat died, did you turn her into like a recliner or anything like that? No. She said she refurbishes you assholes. Furniture. Look at that. Anastasia. Okay. And you're originally from here? Yes. San Antonio actually. San Antonio. Another San Antonio comedian. Very good. Have you ever met Brad Brockman before? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Very cool. All right. What else, Anastasia? I feel like we're missing something here. You were on a couple weeks ago. We talked about all that shit.

What else? Have you thought about that interview since then and thought about other things that might be interesting to talk about on the show? Yeah. You guys know about my dad and that he grew cannabis and like I have, when he passed, I had to like work on his farm and do all that stuff. So I got to know what it was like to be him instead of just judge him. Right. How did that make you feel? Was this to talk about on Kiltony or to your therapist? Both. Both. Yeah. It made me have a lot of respect for him. Like it's not easy job, you know. Wow. And when did your father pass away? Two years. And how did that happen again? I didn't tell you guys. He died in a head on collision. Whoa. Yeah. Yikes. Anybody drinking or driving or anything? No. He was just slaying

and like he was coming through. He was what? Slaying and you know, like bringing. Nope. You don't know what that is. Like you're from California. Bringing illegal shit to here. Allegedly. Yeah. Well, I mean, not allegedly. He's dead. Yeah, but there's still like a case. So I have to say allegedly. Okay. Yeah. All right. So he died in a head on collision. You don't know how or why or anything. Maybe he was texting you that he loves you. No. No, thankfully no. The gentleman that hit him. Yeah. Fuck all you not laughing. Fuck you. I still get power when I do that. The gentleman that hit him had a like a health thing like stroke or heart attack or something. Oh, son of a bitch. Yeah. What an asshole that guy is. Well, he's not that much of asshole because

he worked for an oil company. So yay. So you get money from that? I mean, we're still waiting, but yeah. Wow, that's pretty cool. I know because there's no pension for drug dealers. So right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. How much do you think you might get out of the whole thing? Did you have to guess? If I had to guess, I'm hoping that like me and my brothers each get a mill, you know? Hell yeah. Yeah. Look at that. Yeah. I'm gonna have to buy a few more cats. No, I plan on keeping the family name alive. I love it. Anastasia, do you consider yourself like a nerd? Yeah, like I like to guard like I mean, I was raised by somebody who grew weed. So it's like nobody really wants to like do bad things to people, you know, they already know my

dad's gonna likes to do illegal shit. So I spent a lot of very protected. So I guarded with my dad, like read books with him and yeah, did shit like that. Wow. I didn't think I would wish Maximus was back up on the show again, but you managed to pull it off. No, but you were on a couple weeks ago. We talked to you then. We just talked to you again. Congratulations, Anastasia Lawless. You got picked out of the bucket twice in three weeks. The odds of that. Very, very, very, very low. What do you guys think? Should we go to this bucket one more time, huh? A lot of lucky people have been pulled and have we had a guy on stage yet? Yeah, sort of. Some low testosterone. Another, another woman, ladies and gentlemen,

make some noise for Kristy Nova, everybody. Kristy Nova. Here we go. Here she comes. Kristy Nova, everybody. One more time for Kristy, everyone. So, uh, it was really annoying living with my dad. Anytime I wanted to go home to a guy's house, I would tell him that I was hanging out with friends all night, you know, at a courtesy. Wow. I did it so many times that my dad just assumed I was doing cocaine and kicked me out of the house. Like, what was I supposed to do? Be honest. Hey, dad, wasn't doing blow, but I was blowing him. Like, there's white stuff on my face, but it's a lot stickier than a powder. My nose is bleeding. All right. I was having a rough sex and doing cocaine. He caught me.

It's really weird ever since my mom died. My dad's turned into a horny teenager. Like, I can't even get away from it, pull up tender. His profile pops up. Like, Jesus, dad, I thought with your age, I was way too fucking old for you, right? And sometimes I'm tempted to swipe right just so I can get him back in my wife again. But then I swipe left because I remember he's a bad kisser, too much tongue. Thanks, guys. Kristi Nova, everybody. Hello. All right. Welcome back. You've been on the show before, right?

Yeah, five months ago. Five months ago. I haven't been counting or anything. Right. Well, welcome back. How did that feel better than the last time? Yeah, I felt a lot more prepared. Okay. All right. And you've been doing stand-up for how long? Three years now. Three years. Okay. Interesting. All of it here in Austin? No, no. I just moved here in, like, mid-June.

From where? From Dallas. Okay. I did the three years, like, on and off because my whole family died. That's what we talked about last time. Jesus. What a depressing tail end of an episode this is. Let me guess. Head-on collision? Jesus. How'd your whole family die, Kristi?

My mom died of cancer and then my grandparents died of dementia and Alzheimer's. Wow. Yeah. And then my dad's just crazy. Do you ever sometimes feel like it's you? Got the face cover. That's a good one. Kristi, I like your style. You look like the type of person that would protest this show, but instead you came and signed up.

I went with the wrong look today. I barely recognize you without a Black Lives Matter billboard in your hand. I love it. You look like if somebody locked Katy Perry in a Bucky's for a year. Oh, Jeremiah. I love it. Kristi, what's your love life like? You leaving any fucking purple hairs in guys' bedrooms?

What's going on here? No, I'm completely single. Okay. How's that going for you? What do you mean? I mean, it's going good. I've just been focusing on what I'm doing here, just comedy and Twitch streaming. Okay. All right. What do you do on Twitch?

So I play a lot of games that I can play with my chat. And I also IRL stream. I just went to Vegas and Los Angeles and streamed the whole thing like 16-hour days. Okay. You have people watching that? Yeah. How does that work? How does that work? Like why are people watching your stream?

Well, the reason why people are watching my stream is I looked out and I got on Andy Melanakis is a streamer and he did a show called Adopt an Affiliate, which are Twitch affiliates. And I got on the show and kind of blew up with all of my other friends. Very cool. Very cool. You've always had a dream to do that, like in real life stream, where you wanted to have somebody stream. Back in the day, yeah.

I mean, a long time ago, I was thinking about doing like a Truman show type of thing. But of course, the networks back then told me that I was a crazy person. And this was before streaming started. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Thank you, Comedy Central. You're so fucking smart. None of those executives even work anymore. So I'm really talking to no one.

They all got fired for letting a dominant channel dwindle into office reruns. Anyway, but hopefully they catch this part of this episode. Hopefully someone sends them this clip exactly. Jim, Gary, you hear this? Remember? Remember the pitches? Anyway, I love it. Christy, tell us something else. Tell us something else we'd be surprised to know about you.

Oh gosh. You started it, you son of a bitch. I can sing. You can sing? Really? Oh shit, we got to do this. We got to do this. This is like original Adele vibes I'm getting here. Not the new fucking, not the new Adele.

You know what I'm talking about? She lost the weight. Now she sounds like Gilbert Godfrey. But I bet you have some pipes on you. Will you tell the band what you're going to sing? A lot of balls to come out here when your hairdresser is a unicorn. So it takes a lot of courage to go out in public. Oh shit, it's about to go down.

All the guys drinking tequila are hard as a rock right now. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, some people search for a fountain. Wow, Christy Nova. Thank you. Christy Nova, ladies and gentlemen, or as I call her, Alicia Slightly Off-Key. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one.

Some people want it all. Is that what you say when you're ordering at Whataburger? I'm just kidding. Damn it, Tony, I have lost 50 pounds now. I love you. You're adorable, you're adorable. I swear to God, 50 more and I won't be able to make these jokes. Ever again.

I'm just kidding. These girls are all laughing. People listening in fucking California. Everybody's laughing. Don't send this to fucking CNN. All right, Christy, an amazing performance. A lot better than last time is how I remember this going. And congratulations.

Even though you're losing weight, you're growing in comedy. So congratulations. There she goes, Christy Nova, Christy God Jokes. I think I started my period tonight. I just don't think there's anything funnier than having such open dialogue. I mean, we talk about women's age, weights, boobs size. And we weight boobs here tonight, everybody.

A lot of people, not many shows are doing that. Should we put a ribbon on this thing, huh? Should we get out of here? Is that how long we've been doing this? Really? All right, ladies and gentlemen, you have one final comedian that you get to watch perform

a brand new minute of stand-up comedy. In the history of the show, we've always had regulars. It used to be all women because there weren't, unlike tonight, there weren't many women signing up when we first started this show. But in the history of the show, no regular has done it longer. Perhaps no one has ever done it stronger

than the man you're about to see. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery. Your final comedian of the night, everybody. Make some noise for William Montgomery. First and foremost, I'm excited to announce Maximus and I have been speaking online, and he's staying with me tonight.

So it's weird to see his ass for the first time up here. If I find out my child likes Home Alone 2 better than Home Alone 1, I'm going to leave their ass at home while I travel to France. Home Alone 2 is so bad, they had to make six more to make up for it. Home Alone 2 is so bad,

I voted for Donald Trump so he would get out of acting. Oh, you have a sex swing? Big deal. Try building a sex zip line in your backyard and then talk to me. University of Pennsylvania swimmer who was on the men's swim team three years ago now identifies as a female

and is on the women's swim team. Yeah, apparently she's breaking all the women's records, including freestyle, backstroke, and dick size. Okay, that's all I got. The ultimate professional, William Montgomery, coming in another brand new minute. I can already tell that sex swing zip line thing is going to be a permanent part of the act.

I think it does. Now, let me ask you this, because I come from the school of thought that Home Alone 2 actually competes with Home Alone 1. Yeah, it was better. I think it always surprises everybody how good it is. What do you mean 100%? Shut the fuck up.

It's a no, William. This is sort of a fact. We've talked about this years ago. I saw Home Alone 2 and it stands up super strong. Now, Home Alone 1 granted top, I mean, I got the first two Home Alones as top three. My favorite Christmas movies up there with National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

That's my big three. And I think two might be ahead of one, but I think I'd give one the edge just because of creating the legacy. The only thing I don't like about Home Alone 2 is the creepy mentally ill bird lady. And Gremlins 2 is better than Gremlins. No one's really talking about that right now.

Yeah, shut the fuck up, Reggie. That's one of my favorite holiday movies. Gremlins 2 is better than Gremlins 2. Home Alone 1's better. All right, all right, Red Band. You've been fucking the show up this whole fucking night. I've been watching you do it. Oh, Red Band.

The whole fucking night you've screwed it up. Maybe if your girlfriend wouldn't sign up. What'd you just fucking say? All right, nothing. He said nothing. Did you watch Home Alone 2 this week? We tend to have found that if you watch a movie in your spare time,

it ends up being a massive part of your set that week. Yes, I watched it all day on Saturday. All day? All day on Saturday. Actual television with commercials? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's how I do it. I record a movie on the network television and then I watch it all day long, yes, including commercials.

Now, in this one, they were these sticky bandits. Before in Home Alone 1, they're the wet bandits. And you know what's weird about this whole story, by the way, is I just tweeted how the last time I did Edibles, I was watching Home Alone 2 and it was playing all the whole entire day. What are you talking about? Like, okay. You just reading my tweets, man?

Is that what you're doing? Shut the fuck up. Is that what you're doing? Don't fucking accuse me of that up here right now in front of all these fucking people. Okay, I mean. What are you fucking talking about? He talked about watching Home Alone 2.

And it was on repeat all day long while I was fucked up. Right. I posted it two days ago, William. I'm stealing your shit, dumbass. Caught me. You fucking caught me. I've been reading your shit and trying to make jokes out of it. You busted me, red man.

Good. I thought this idiot isn't doing it right. I'm going to steal his shit and start doing it. Yep. And that's what I fucking did here tonight. Look how well it went. Wow. It really did.

No, that was a great set. It really did go good for you. William, what's been going on in your normal life? That's always a very compelling story. There's always new twists and turns. You're over six months sober now. You're over raisin bread. Turns out you were lying to us for months.

You don't even like raisin bread. I was. I don't like that shit at all. It's fucking gross. You try to make it better with some fucking melted butter on top. It makes it fucking sloppy. I hate that shit. What do you love, William?

What brings you the most joy? Oh, man. I mean, lately it's been prune juice. Because I literally haven't stopped up. The fucking hemorrhoid came back the other night. I had my fucking fingers. All right. All right.

How much prune juice have you been drinking exactly? I don't know. It's one of the jugs that's like. Yeah. How long does it take? This stall probably I'm doing two or three a week. Oh, wow. I just sit by the fucking fridge in the morning time when I wake up

and just chug out of that fucking bottle. Just holding the gun. I actually got a holster recently for one of my guns. For your unlicensed weapon. Yeah. Just one hand the prune juice, the other hand just sort of touching my gun just feeling it has been so cool. Have you been firing this new unlicensed weapon that you illegally purchased?

Yeah. Go to the storm drains and just shoot them down in the storm drains. Wow. That's an interesting approach. Yeah. It's like the safest thing you can do probably. Yeah. I just go to the storm drains and just fucking unload a clip or two

down until the fucking storm drain. People catch me doing it sometimes and I have to fucking just yell at them. Just what the fuck are you doing watching me? And then they run off and then I fucking fucking chase them with my gun out. Wow. This is very interesting. What part of town? Just not giving a shit anymore.

Just fucking chasing them around. What part of a town do you do this in? Can you name a street here in Austin that you've been shooting into the storm drains? It's by the Barton Springs Mall. I do it up at the mall. I actually think I heard about this the other day. Yeah. I think I was actually on the news the other day.

I made it on the news for fucking running after somebody with my fucking new gun. Wow. That was a pretty good idea, Red Band. I think that really fucking helped out with what was just going on there. Good. Glad I could help you. Why would you have done that? It seems like I help you a lot.

You do help me a lot, bitch. Yeah. You don't even fucking know, Red Band. No, I know. Ooh, tell us. You don't even fucking know, Red Band. Oh shit. We've seen this before.

He gets passionate sometimes. I'm stealing your jokes, Red Band! And I'm not going to stop! And you sure as shit aren't stopping me. You're not going to stop me. What are you going to do if he tries to stop you? I would go over to his fucking house with he and Janice in there and just start shooting the place up. Just kick the fucking front door in and get my pistol out of its holster

and just start shooting at the walls. Screaming, where are you, Red Band? Wow. And what would you do? What would you do if you heard this happening? I would tell Erica to run out the back door. His girlfriend immediately don't let him see her. And then I would take Janice.

What does that mean? Yeah. What does that mean? What are you insinuating with that? I mean, your girlfriend would be in my room and she would hear the gunshots and I'd be like, oh my god. That's... Oh, Red Band saying that he's fucking your girl. Yeah, why do you have to fucking bring that up?

I was like, Janice... We're joking around up here and you bring that shit up. God, you messed that up. Okay, Janice, get the dildo out of Erica. All right, Red Band, really, it's too much. Yeah, it's almost Christmas now and you're hitting me with this. Okay, Red Band, now you're just hitting Bucks with all the rest of the shows happening. God damn it, Red Band, stop.

I'm on your side tonight, William. Thank you. Yeah, I'm with you. Thank you. I love it. What are your plans for Christmas? What are you doing? Driving to Memphis tomorrow.

What are you going to be sitting in front of the chimney waiting to shoot Santa Claus in the face? No, my sweet papa still puts out the presents every Christmas morning, so I am looking forward to what St. Nicholas brings me on... Oh, you're going back home? Going back home, driving tomorrow. Very cool. You going to leave Santa some cookies and prune juice? Stupid.

Stupid. So stupid. Yeah, I might. Well, William, we love you. Tell your parents that we said hello. David, anything else for William? That's it, man. William, my boy, man.

He looking great. Quit drinking, getting way smaller, dog. And you got... Yep. Yeah. William Montgomery is doing it, folks. He's a machine. A big red one.

Follow him on everything, of course. Listen to his new podcast, The William Montgomery Show. How about a hand for my guests tonight, David Lucas? David, what are you plugging? Tell these people something. Hey, go to davidlucascomedy.com. I got some new merch on there. And also my tour dates, man.

Y'all will see all that shit. Happy New Year to everybody. Hell yeah. Some amazing artwork coming in from Ryan Jebel. Check that out at RyanJebel.com. He did it again. Every single episode is drawn by him. How loud can this place get for the band, everybody?

The Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony Band. Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, of course. That's the great John Dees on the keyboard, everybody. Fresh off of the tour. He's got new merch for sale. Follow him. What's your Instagram again? Dees on Keys.

D-E-A-S on K-E-Y-Z. Trying to make me laugh while I'm plugging his own shit. One more time for Michael Gonzalez on drums over there. He's going to be playing with Nether Hour after the show. One more time for Matt Mueling on guitar. How about you make a lot for D-Madness on the bass, everybody? Come on. We did it again.

We got another one next week. It never ends. We're sold out for months here in our beautiful home of Austin, Texas, who has taken a liking to this chaos that we bring. Red Band. Thanks, guys. Love you. Good night, everybody. Thank y'all. Five, six, seven, eight.

Five, six, seven, eight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.