KILL TONY - #539 - RYAN J EBELT

Episode Date: January 8, 2022

Ryan J Ebelt, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/27/2021–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOX OF AWESOME!! Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “killtony” at checkout.

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Are you guys ready to do this fucking shit tonight? Make some noise, people. Hell yeah, it's fucking Monday night.

How about a hand for the great Brian Redban, everybody? It's the guy that created podcasting right here. And how about a hand for the goddamn band, huh? That's the Kill Tony band, the screwball, peanut butter whiskey. Kill Tony band, that's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Deese on the keyboard. The great D-Madness on bass, everybody. Hell yeah.

And the great Paul Deemers here tonight for the very first time in the show's history on trumpet. It's gonna be a fun night tonight. We are in it to win it. Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world. Just happened to be here in Austin, Texas. The show's also brought to you by Blue Norther, Hard Seltzer, CM Smokehouse, and we have great joke books handmade by the great Bones Eye tonight to give to people. Big ones if it goes good and small ones if they need to do better next time.

How many of you have been here before? Okay, very good. Then you know what's up. We're gonna have a lot of fun. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. This winter, upgrade your daily routine with Bespoke Post and their new seasonal lineup of must-have box of awesome collections.

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So go get those incredible prices if you're into Kratom. It's YoKratom.com, home of the $60 kilo. Hi there, responsible adults over the age of 21, living in states where Delta 8 is legal. Want to get high? Really high? Really super duper legally high? Well, then now's the time to go to YoDelta.com. That's right. Yo Kratom, one of the best supporters of this show, just landed YoDelta where you can stock up on high quality lab tested Delta 8.

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Every single week, I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on to be the guest. This week is different, ladies and gentlemen. That's right. Our guest tonight is not a comedian, but in fact an artist. Not only an artist, but the official artist in the history of Kill Tony. We have been working together for literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of episodes. He draws every single episode from his home in Los Angeles. And he's originally from Texas and he is here tonight to be the guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody. Making his Kill Tony debut as a guest. I'm expecting some real honesty from Ryan J. tonight. Some blunt honesty. I'm expecting a lot of silence from Ryan J. tonight. He is one of the nicest, shyest, most gentlemanly gentlemen that I know. So this is going to be interesting. He nods a lot and does these action things. I love it.

You'll see through the whole episode. Ryan J, why don't you say hi to these people? Well, hi, Austin. How are you? There you go. See, we're all playing the game here. What part of Texas are you originally from? I was originally born in Houston. There you go. There's some fucking... Here, I can stop that immediately. All Dean.

I was down the street from Guns Point Mall. I also lived in Dallas and I went to college at UT here up the street. Wow. Look at that. I love it. Ryan J. joining us here on Dirty Sixth Street for another episode of Kill Tony. Brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose. Ryan J, you know how the show works, but maybe there's some newbies here tonight. A bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds on this stage. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten, then they have to wrap it up or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts the show and it's a loud noise, so you don't want to do that. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? This is it. It begins now with 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy from one of our very few regulars on this show. That means this guy has to write and perform a brand new minute every single week,

one of the hardest jobs in all of comedy. He became a regular here in Austin, Texas just a few months ago and he's on an amazing kill streak. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim, everyone. Hey, I got laid recently. And it was great, but I had to lie so much to get laid. It didn't even feel like I got laid. It felt like my character got laid.

I'm in bed like, howdy, partner. I don't know how to quit yet. I love it here in the South. I love the Confederate flag because I feel like the Confederate flag would be like if a man went up to his wife and he was like, hey, honey, remember that time we got into that huge argument and I tried to divorce you? Yeah, I'm kind of proud of that time. Kind of represents who I am as a person.

So I got a divorce papers tattooed on my chest. I think circumcision is not something we should do. What do you think is more likely that we went through millions of years of evolution and we ended up with a reproductive organ that doesn't work properly or that people in the Bible were kind of weird about dicks? All right, thank you. The great Hans Kim getting us started here. Always a rock solid minute.

You're on just unbelievable fire as of late. How does this make you feel, Hans? It makes you feel amazing and I just want to thank you, Tony, for all you've done for me these couple months. First of all, I like that you're appreciative. Second of all, what have I done for you? Tell these people exactly. How often do you work because of me?

I want them all to know. I work all week with the great Tony Hinchcliffe and Joe Rogan, Ron White. Why do you get to work with these? Thank you. That's very loud and untimely. And why do you get to work with these people? Because you bestow upon me great blessings. I just wanted to make sure.

Just in case anybody special is watching out there. Just in case one person in particular is watching out there, I want to just show you that the power that I have to change people's lives. So that's for you, someone that may have betrayed me that could have easily had a position like what Hans is in. Why the extra ass kissing? Did you do something wrong or is there some kind of negative thing going on here? I just feel like if you don't go out of your way to be positive,

sometimes you don't say things that you feel and it's just good to kiss the right ass at the right time. You're goddamn motherfucking right it is. That's how life works. Hans, did you really get laid this week? You said that you got laid, your character got laid. What actually went down? Nothing went down.

It was a bit of creative license. Wow, you still house sitting? I just finished my house sitting tenure today and then I go to the other house that I'm house sitting. Oh, and you've been house sitting a couple houses. What's the difference in the house that you're moving into now? It's an apartment. There's no dog there.

I'm all alone. Let me ask you something. You go to these houses, you live in a van. For those of you that don't know, Hans has a very fancy, you know, super Asian van that he has and he house sits for people regularly because he's a good, obedient boy and he's a good guy to have house sit for you.

Have you ever thought about like, you know, hiding in someone's attic or basement or something like that? Because I saw the movie Parasite and I know your people like this shit. Yeah. I would love to leech off a rich person. He's so honest.

He's at autism levels of honesty, folks. Do these people know that your house sitting for them while they're out of town? That's a good question. Yeah, they ask me to. You do anything wild this week? It was Christmas week for you. We know that you can't turn down

if someone offers you drugs or anything like that. Do you end up making any good choices or big mistakes this week? I went to a little Christmas Eve party. You know, I just ate a bunch of lasagna and turkey. Wow. I didn't realize I was interviewing fucking Garfield here tonight.

That's very exciting. That's incredible. Just lasagna and turkey. Is that the weirdest fucking one-two ever? How'd you end up with lasagna and turkey? This comedian's Italian. She's like very into like lasagna and like turkey. That's normal.

Totally. Everyone knows the Italian delicacy, turkey. Everybody. Without a doubt. I love it. How much lasagna are we talking about, dude? There was a whole pan of it. I only took a little bit of it.

And yeah, I mean, I had a great time there. I insulted the host. How'd that happen? Well, it went down there. I told him that he's bipolar. Wow, you're projecting now on these people. Yeah, I mean, I guess I could be a little bipolar. Hold on.

Why did you tell him that he was bipolar? What did he do to deserve that? Because he was just going like, Whoa, guys, I'm here and I'm Gary Faust and I'm crazy. That's an actual guy's name who you just said. You actually threw in the guy's name. I get the feeling even he wasn't crazy enough to say his own name, but you just exaggerated that yourself to really just get your own fucking final dagger in, huh?

You insult him at his own party and then you go to your hit podcast the next fucking week and make fun of him publicly. Look at you. I think he likes that. Yeah, he likes torture. He definitely does, if you know. Well, Hans, always an unbelievable performance. Always so much fun to catch up with you.

Is there anything else we're missing out on? It's an honor to be here with Ryan Jay Belt. Yeah, Ryan Jay, this is your first time, I do believe, seeing Hans live, Ryan Jay. What do you think about this young man? You could really just put it into words for us. I guess he's a keeper. There you go.

Is there something like, you draw him every week. You've never met him before. Drawing him style-wise, is it easy to do? I mean, it seems pretty easy, right? Well, it's hard to find a reference photo that he's not sucking face on. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for the great Hans Kim, everybody, and that's how it begins.

It has indeed begun. You are at the number one live podcast in the world, and it just so happens to be here in Austin, Texas. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket for the first time here tonight. This could be a complete stranger. Could be somebody's first time ever on the show. Might be the first time doing stand-up. Might be great.

Might get crazy. They're going to do 60 seconds, and then we interview them. You guys ready for this shit? All right. Your first bucket pull goes by the name of Noah Shark Robertson. Here we go. Oh, he's right there. Kill Tony!

Let's fucking party. I'm going to get naked and fight somebody tonight. Probably this guy. I'm sorry, that's just the viking in me coming out. Nobody makes it to Valhalla, and they say, Die in battle, am I right? Yeah, this chick knows what I'm talking about. So I turned 38 this year, and my coping mechanisms are fucked.

I'm going to give you a perfect example. My ex-fiance cheated on me with a married man, and then she stole my car. Yeah, I had the same reaction. A guy cut me off in the Taco Bell drive-thru the other night, and I was like, why does God hate me? True story. Anybody have any crazy exes in here?

Crazy ex-girlfriends, crazy ex-boyfriends? Yes, I feel your pain, I feel your pain. I had a girlfriend that would search my bed for other women's hairs. And whenever she didn't find anything, she came at me like, oh, hey, oh, nah, who are these bald-headed bitches you've been fucking? All right, yeah, that's all I got. Wow, I didn't see that one coming.

Obviously it was a, hopefully it was a black girl that you're talking about. Oh, yeah. Okay. Wow. How often do you do that? You don't seem like the kind that would hook up with a black girl. You seem like the kind that would, like, march the other way. Well, I have a huge cock, so...

Whoa, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Did you use it to ram the doors open on the Capitol on January 6th? No, I did not. Wow. This is your first time on the show, correct? It's my second time. Oh, okay.

The first time was in Hollywood. Okay. And you fucks made me battle Joel on the drums. Oh, wow, you know how to play the drums? I'm a professional drummer, yes. Really? How did that go for you that night? I gotta be honest.

You asked the audience to vote. Uh-huh. And I clearly won. Oh, really? Yes, but Joel got pissed and he wanted to rematch and the stick flew out of my hand on the second try. Oh, so you lost. So I lost, yes.

I do remember this, though. That was, like, one of the few closest... I'm sure that a lot of the viewers at home would be interested to see perhaps you try again. I mean, it has been a long time since we've had a Mexican drum off. Do you guys think we should do it here tonight?

Wow. All right. Then Destiny has spoken, everybody. Wow. Yup, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, this means that Noah Shark Robertson, who believes that he should basically be the drummer of Kiltoni by saying that he beat Joel Jimenez,

which definitely never happened. I've been at every episode of this show, believe it or not. And... But maybe he came close. So this is the rules of the Mexican drum off. Is you guys at the end decide who wins? If he has a better drum solo than our resident drummer, Mexican drummer himself, the great Michael Gonzalez,

then, technically, by rule, he would become the full-time drummer of Kiltoni. So it is the opportunity of a lifetime. And it also means that he has to switch lives with Michael Gonzalez. So what do you do for work, Noah? I'm a drummer. I book metal shows.

Well, there you go. You're gonna have to book metal shows if you lose, Michael. It's a drummer. This is a Mexican drum off. Are you guys ready for this shit? This is Kiltoni Folklore. And I do believe, if I'm not wrong, Michael, I believe this is the first Mexican drum off

ever at Vulcan Gas Company, right? Wow, this is very exciting. This is the drum solo. Fighting for his throne. Professional drummer. Make some noise for Noah Shark Robertson. Let's go. Yeah!

Wow, ladies and gentlemen. That's Noah Shark Robertson. Now, Noah, you go stand by that speaker for a second right there so that everybody can get a good view at your competition. Standing in an unbelievably Mexican four-foot-seven inches in the air.

The pride of the South Texas portion of the Kiltoni band. I mean, this is a guy that filled in tremendously for the legendary Joel Bergjoll Jimenez, and has always been there. And he's undefeated, defending his throne. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for Michael Gonzalez, everybody?

Woo! Woo! Wow! Holy shit. Jiminy Crickets. All right, well, this is it. This is that moment where you control it, a bunch of fucking randos, everybody.

How many of you have Noah Shark Robertson winning? Make some noise if you have Michael Gonzalez winning. I mean, you must hear this, Noah. There you go, there you go, there you go. You must know that you just got it fucking handed to you, dude. I understand. But that was really good again, man. Like, seriously.

It was. It was. Not the first time, not the first time I've seen a Mexican make it through a wall before Noah Shark. So, you book metal bands? Is that your thing? I book comedy shows, I book metal shows. I tour professionally as a drummer.

I teach kids how to play rock and roll. Wow, who the fuck lets you near their kids? Do you have a band? Do you have a band? Yeah, I've been in a few bands. Are you currently here in Austin? Well, I'm from Dallas. I drove here from Dallas.

Well, if you would ever like to do the secret show, I'd love to have you open up as a band if you're far. All right. All right. Is right. So, do you have a girlfriend, Noah? I just broke up with her recently. Why'd that happen?

I don't know, reasons. Oh, okay. A lot of different things. All right, domestic violence, perfect. And is it true that your fiance cheated on you with a married man? That is very true. Yes. How did they meet?

How did that happen? Actually, I was on tour with a band and she was our merch girl. And a lot of guys like to come up to the merch girl and hit on her. I guess they exchanged numbers or something. I was driving down the road pulling a van and trailer with like a bunch of sweaty, smelly dudes in the van. Her phone was like going off like crazy. It was next to me in the sea, wasted.

A sleep. Her phone was blowing up and I guess I'm a dick and I like push the button. And suddenly some guy's cock popped up on the screen. Wow. That's a totally, that's a totally different thing though. I threw her phone out the window and while she was still passed out, I took my fucking engagement ring off her finger. Oh my goodness.

Look at you. Wow. Wow. This is a real story, yeah. How do you know it wasn't just like one of her girlfriends fucking with her or something? Because once I saw the guys cock, I scrolled a little bit and I saw all their conversations about how they were going to meet up soon after the tour and fucking all this shit. Oh shit.

Yeah. Hell yeah. What did his cock look like? Smaller than mine. I'll tell you that. Oh shit. Damn. Wow, she left you for a smaller cock.

That almost says it all, doesn't it? That is kind of shitty. It really is the motion in the ocean after all. Yeah. Wow. What's wrong with your personality? It was probably because he was Mexican. Is that true?

Was it a Mexican penis? Yeah, they're better at hitting the skins. You got to stop fucking with Mexicans, dude. It's not going good for you. It's not. I'm just losing my drum career, my chicks, to Mexicans. But you're, this was fun, Noah. You're a fun character.

I love your enthusiasm and your excitement. You get it, my friend. There he goes. Noah Sharpe Roberts and everybody. Thank you. Take a joke buck. You see how it works. Put the mic stand where you found it, Noah.

For a guy that works with metal and comedy, you'd think you'd know that. Maybe if you were a better roadie, your chicks wouldn't get their guts banged up by little Dick Mexicans. You know what I'm saying? Come on, people. I love this shirt. It's Monday, baby. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jason Brendle.

60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Jason Brendle. He's going to make his way down that area. Here he comes. A strong, steady pace. Come on, people. Make some noise for your next comedian, Jason Brendle. Thank you. Today's performance is sponsored by Nancy Pelosi's Riseroni.

This box is always dry and never fresh. Guaranteed. I think a kayak is the only thing that's spelled the same backwards and also is the same backwards. If Leonardo DiCaprio got his head cut off, he would be Leonardo decapitated. What's eating Gilbert Grape? A turkey vulture. They've got no heads. I had sex with a toucan last night.

That was a real step up from the night before when I had sex with a girl who only had one boob. Fuck yeah. Jason Brendle, everybody. Wow. What a special style you have. Thank you. Incredibly smart yet so fucking stupid at the same time. Somehow genius and retarded.

It's almost... It's a real art form to do it that way. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost a year. Almost a year. How do you like it? What's been happening? Feel good about it?

Yeah, I love it. Just grinding the open mics out here in Austin for like eight months, nine months. Did you start on like a cruise ship? No, but if they're hiring... You do have an interesting look to you. It's very, very like innocent. Did your parents leave you home alone for Christmas or something like that? What do you do for work?

I'm an Uber driver. An Uber driver. One of those. You try your jokes out on the people sometimes? No, I try not to put them through that. That's good. That's good. Does that ever get crazy for you?

You ever get any wild rides? Yeah, I've had a couple interesting ones. I picked up like these four girls one time and ten seconds into the ride, this one girl in the back goes, hey, can I suck your dick? And like I was so surprised. I didn't know what to say and her friend looks at me and she goes, even if you say yes, I'm not going to let you. What do you say girls, do you mean women, right?

Yeah, yeah. Red band. Red band. Stop being weird just to do the school bell sound effect. Jesus Christ. Wow. So you're about to say yes, you think? And then the girl says, even if you say yes, I'm not going to let you.

So then what did you say? I just started laughing. I was pretty taken aback. It's not a greeting you get off and usually it starts with hello. How are you? You just don't come right out. Was she trying to suck your dick like for a free ride or something? No, no, she just went out to suck dick.

What made her want to suck your dick so bad? What was it? The last comedian's fiance? Yes. I like that trumpet. Paul Damer. I love it. So Jason, tell us about your life.

Where are you from? We talked about this last time. I was from Sonoma County. He said I was a succession character. That's right. That rings a bell. Yeah, yeah. What's your living situation here in Texas?

You live by yourself. You have roommates? Yeah, just in an apartment with a roommate. Okay. What's the roommate do for work? I think he's just gay. I don't know if he actually works. Wow.

Has he ever offered to suck your dick for a ride? No. So you have a gay roommate? Do you hear or smell sex often? No. I think his boyfriend lives in Columbia. Wow. He went to go visit him at Thanksgiving.

Columbia and gay guy. Really good at sneaking stuff up his ass. You might want to check that guy's butt hole, folks. It's like a sulfur latte. It's like a sulfur latte. Okie dokie. Red band's been drinking tonight, y'all. I love it.

Jason, what's your love life like? You ever bring a girl? Ryan, you have something you want to say? Oh, I was just going to say, is Columbia the gay version of the Canadian girlfriend? I don't know about that. You know what? Maybe if you draw that joke out,

people would understand about her. I'm kidding. Jason, what the fuck did I just ask you? I don't know. I was going somewhere. Oh, yeah. You ever bring a girl back to your gay apartment? I haven't yet, no.

You haven't yet? Why is that? The girl I want to be with is in New Zealand, and she's supposed to come in a couple weeks. I'm just kind of waiting on her. Oh, wow. You have a girl in New Zealand. How'd you meet this one?

I was promoting my book on Instagram, and she found my account. She DM'd you from New Zealand? What? You're about to get catfish, bro. There's some other fucker. I never saw it coming. Hey, will you pitch in for my airline ticket?

It's going to be that last comedian that was up here that shows up to the fucking lunch. I'm sorry. I got to tell you, my real name's Noah Sharper Robertson. I never lived in New Zealand to begin with, but I could beat your ass on drums. You know what I'm saying? You think this might be a catfish situation,

the old New Zealand? No, you guys send each other. You guys FaceTime? Really? Wow. What does she do? She works for her dad. He owns a car company or a car dealership.

She's a car salesman? Saleswoman? What kind of cars? She's not a car salesman. Could be a surprise. What kind of cars? I don't know. Wow.

You're a real listener in this relationship. Fuck yeah. Very, very fun. Yeah. Is it Pontiac? How long have you been talking to this girl for? It's been almost two years. Two years?

Yeah. And you've never met? No. So I bought a ticket to go out there right before the pandemic. Right. The pandemic hit. We were like, oh, this will end. So we just got to wait it out for a couple more months

and then a couple more months and then a couple more months. Fuck. Yeah. Wow. Hey, whoa, Jesus Christ. There's a fucking little Cholita yelling at you right now. I don't know if you heard that, but that's definitely, that's definitely an illegal immigrant if I've ever heard one before.

Is that the lady from the Carlos Mancia video red band? Aye, aye, aye. He does it better. Yo, that's a fucking dude. Have you sent her any money? Have you sent her any money? Like any money at all? Why?

Have you? Have you? Yeah. How much money have you sent her? Not very much. Come on. Tell us how much. It's probably a lot in New Zealand money.

It's fine. These American dollars since fucking... Probably like a few hundred on gifts and stuff. Whoa. How many do you think we should beat the shit out of this guy? Just for... All right. After the show, come back up here.

We're all going to beat the shit out of you. How about one more time for Jason Brendle, everybody? There he goes. Jason, Jason, did you get one of these last time you were here? You got a small one? Did you get a big one last time? Here, have a small one. You deserve it.

He's going back in time. All right. You guys get it. Back to the bucket. We go. Anything can happen. Your next comedian goes by the name of Nicholas Sopaglia. Nicholas Sopaglia.

Here he comes. One more time for Nicholas, everybody. I want to open up a gay coffee shop. I'm going to call it a gay cap. Hey. Come on down and try our lattes. Our best seller is Big Black Coffee. My friends make fun of me because I like to go to gay bars,

but they don't get it. The regular bars don't have what I like, which is free drinks and compliments. I like to test out all my new jokes in gay bars, too, because I'm more likely to test positively. I think palm readers are full of shit, because I jack off for getting my palm read every time and they never see it coming.

Wow. I mean, that's how it's done, sir. Indeed, welcome to Kill Tony. That is Nicholas Sopaglia. Are you saying that correctly? I love it. First person in Austin to get it right the first time. I love it.

Absolutely. It's been a decade. It's incredible how smart I am with words and shit. Major life choice is not so much. Anyway, Sopaglia, very Italian. You look like a hipster Mario or something like that. Thanks. What do you do for work, Nicholas?

I'm not working right now. I just moved here about six weeks ago. From where? From Fresno, California. Whoa. Fresno. Okay. That's a big deal.

Welcome to Austin. What made you move here? Over COVID, I was able to save up enough money to take some time off from work and go try something else that never left Fresno before. I moved out here and give comedy a full-time shock. How old are you? I'm 34. 34?

Fucking perfect. How long have you been on stand-up? Seven years. Seven years? Absolutely. Seems like it for sure. That's great. I love that.

You've been here six weeks. What do you love about Austin so far? It's pretty cool. I like it. It honestly seems like less disgusting in San Francisco. Right. Yeah. For sure.

It's nice being able to go up to many mics tonight because in Fresno there's three a week and once a night. Right. I've just been doing it that part-time for the last seven years. Has anybody been racist to you or anything like that since you've been here? No, not really. Okay. I've seen a lot of it, but not towards me.

There's a very anti-Italian thing going on here in Austin. I don't know if you guys know about it. Yeah. It's very real. I have to deal with it all the time. People bullying me and whatnot. So Sapaglia, how Italian are your parents? I'm Italian on my dad's side.

I'm Italian and German. Oh, okay. Fucking Axis Powers over here. Jesus Christ. My God. What happens when you run into a Jewish person and you just fucking kick them in the shins or something like that? No.

No. Of course not. Italian-German. Okay. Oh, he's drawing me. It's okay. I love it. So, close with your family, brothers, sisters, what's interesting about your life?

What would you be surprised to know about you? It seems like you have a trophy for something, like you must be good at something. I mean, I'm good at comedy. Yeah. I know. I know. I knew you were going to say it. I don't know.

Something interesting that not a lot of people know is when I was 22, I worked for a mortuary company. Oh, okay. Yeah. My job title was Coroner Transport, so I was in charge of going to the crime scenes or the place where people died and pick them up, put them in bags and take them to the mortuary. Wow. So, you're like fucking Death Uber.

Yeah. Damn. That's fucking incredible. One of the corpses ever asked from the back to suck your dick? What? I don't do anything. Yeah. Or was there ever like a hot chick and you're like, holy shit, look at her tits, he's like

unzipped in a few times? Red Band, that's enough. We all know where you're going. You don't have to keep going. You have unzipped a bag and then throw some hands in there and then start licking stuff and kissing all around. But the answer is no to that question. Right.

We know, Nicholas. We know. You're a good boy. But there is a little mortuary in this look. There is a little fucking. I could see you like answering the door at a mortuary or something. Probably, yeah. Hell yeah.

I love it. What do you like to do for fun? I like to go hiking and hang out with my friends in paint. Okay. What do you and your friends do? You guys ever go wild? It's like something fun that you guys do. We go to like concerts or music festivals.

Just hanging around the house, smoke pot, watching some funny movies. Fuck dead bodies. All right. I love it. Well, Nicholas, you're a fine, fine comedian. Did you? Seven years in the game, just moved here to Austin, Texas. I mean, you're in position for greatness.

It must make you feel good to be the fuck out of Fresno. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah. What's the longest set you've ever done? Like 25 minutes. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. There you go. Fuck yeah.

Cool. There it is. You just got booked. Perfect. Fuck yeah. And you have one of these coming at you from the great Bones Eye, a real handmade fucking Texas leather book. Awesome.

Welcome to town, my friend. Thank you. I think you're in the exact right place. Fuck yeah. Thank you. Appreciate it. One more time for Nicholas. Nicholas Apaglia.

Fuck yeah. Wow. Look at that. Every once in a great while, somebody's actually good at this. It's pretty wild. All right. Kat Swanter is next. Kat Swanter, perhaps?

Or Swanter? Here we go. Here she comes, everyone. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? Here she is, Kat Swanter. So I was hooking up with a guy recently and he was rubbing on what he thought was my clit. So I moved his hand over and he was like, oh, I'm sorry. That's too intense, huh?

It's like, no man, it's not too intense. All right. It's just to the left. You know? I used to date this guy who was really into wine and he would talk about it like he would describe a woman. You know, he'd be like, this one has a great body. This one's got nice legs. This one's special because I've been keeping it in my basement for the last seven years.

58 seconds. Beautiful. Kat Swanter? Swanter. Swanter. Swanter. Absolutely. Welcome to the show.

Thank you. That was another incredible, that was a great performance. Great. Thank you. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? About nine months. Nine months? Wow.

Look at you. You have a great delivery, very, very dialed in. Thank you. I appreciate that. That's fantastic. How do you make a living? I work at a tech company. Okay.

Yeah. You don't do anything specific there? You're a janitor or a sales person? I am a janitor at a tech company. No, I'm an research coordinator. Okay. It's fine. Yeah, I get it.

So you've been doing stand-up for nine months, all of it here in Austin? Yeah. This is where you're from? Well, I'm from Beaumont, but I've been here for like 10 years. Okay. Cool. I love it. Yeah.

Okay. Some sluts from Beaumont here tonight. Very exciting. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. 409, baby. I love it.

And so now you live in Austin, 10 years. What can you tell us about Austin? What do you love about Austin? I feel like you know this place. My house. Love my house. Oh, okay. I don't know.

Do you have cats? No. Okay. I have a dog. Okay. Yeah, he's real cute. How long have you had the dog for? He's five.

Okay. What kind of dog is it? He's a corgi-healer mix. All right. There you go. Very cute. There you go. We actually have him on the phone right now, just phoning in.

Like where is that coming from? There you go. Okay. So what do you do for fun, cat? Tell us something that we'd be interested to know about your life. I like to play piano. Oh, wow. Oh, really?

Wait, wait, wait. Is that true? I don't think we've ever had a piano. Have you ever had a black piano off before? No, no, no. I'm not. Hold on. I'm not very good.

Oh, well. I just like it. Okay. If you're not very good, then you don't have a snowflake's chance in hell. I'm no, no, whatever. That's cool. So you dabble in piano. What else?

You read a lot of books. I feel like you have books everywhere in your place. I haven't read a book in like three years. Wow. I'm misreading you. I thought you had cats in books. Thank you so much. You're throwing off my like, you're confusing my electrical systems right now.

You think I'm a nerd? Is that? No, not necessarily. From your performance, I really liked your performance. Thank you. I think you have like a weird rock star, but I think you're like a nerd at home and really cool as a comedian. Thank you.

But again, I'm misreading it. It seems as though you have a big ass house to yourself for some reason. No, I have a roommate. You're like the coolest person at the tech company that you work at. Yes. Right. Correct. Now I get it.

I'm starting to understand. What kind of tech are we talking about? Is it like cool tech or like financial software? No, not fintech. That is what it's called. Okay. It doesn't matter. This guy that rubbed your clit.

Is this a boyfriend? Is this a first date? Like what went down there? No, it's just a guy I was sleeping with. Okay. You know, it doesn't happen every time. It's fine. Right.

Right. But it made sense though. That was a real, and that wine thing, is that true? You dated a wine guy for a while? No. Oh, okay. I just said that to make it more personal for the bit. Right.

You're a wine girl though, right? No. Yeah, no? Nope. Not at all. He's trying to roofie you right now. He's trying to plot his... He's trying to plot his next move.

I love it. Cat, what else? What are we missing here? Something about your childhood that's interesting? You ever save anybody's life or anything like that? Save anybody's life. Must be something interesting about your entire life that we're missing out on here. I've won a couple spelling bees.

Whoa. Okay. What words did you win on? What were your winning words? I can't remember, but I will tell you. Wow. You are a hard interview, Cat. I'm really trying my best.

No, I can tell you a word that I lost on. Okay, let's hear the word that you lost on then. I'll try to spell it. Okay. Okay. The word judgment. No way, really? All right.

Can you use it in a sentence? Oh. So you left the E out in the middle? There is no E in the middle. No way, really? Yeah. Oh, shit. Are you fucking serious?

How did they do that? Why would they cut that E off? Agreed. Yeah, just type in judgment there right there. Through me for a fucking loop. Are you fucking kidding me? What is the bear? Just play the point.

Type the fucking thing. Jesus Christ, red band. You're right. There's no fucking E there. My mind is completely blown. Wait, yeah, yeah. I don't know why. That's like a baronstein bears thing or something like that.

Like I always picture the E there. It blew my mind as well, yeah. Wow. The judgment that I'm going to get from the fans about this part of this show is going to be absolutely incredible. This is why I don't read the comments, folks. Wow. Sacrilegious also.

The band's killing it, by the way. I know, but it's hard to hear anything. How about for the band, everybody? Come on. We don't care. It doesn't matter. We got to keep going. Can you spell sacrilegious?

Yeah, do you want to try to spell sacrilegious for us? Sacrilegious. Yeah. Hey, stop it. What the fuck? Wow, hold on. There's a drunk stripper up there trying to spell it, everybody. The yellow rose and the red rose is here tonight, everyone.

She literally spelled as far into sacrilegious as she could get. Either that or she's trying to get her boyfriend's attention. Hey, this thing. What are you kissing? Strippers all day Mexican guys. That's a thing. I don't know if you guys know that. They're usually the DJs at the club.

Okay, sacrilegious. Let's go. Sacrilegious. S-A-C-R-E-L-I-G-I-O-U-S. You're wrong, bitch. You know what? Jesus red band. What is it?

Oh, my God, dude. We are red bands straight up water for the rest of the episode. Now, you missed it there. It was a hot fucking, there was a hot E there instead of an I. Sacra. It's the- Oh, shit. Okay.

Or an I. Yeah. Not good at anything, apparently. There's an E instead of an I. It's okay. We've learned here for the first time ever that the spelling bee portion of the show is the most boring shit we've ever done for ourselves. But Kat, it was nice to meet you.

We're going to keep it moving along. There goes Kat Swantner, everybody. Our first time on the show. Kat, take one of those. There you go. A big joke book from the great Boneslye. Follow him on Instagram at Boneslye-B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. Oh, my God.

Here we go. John Cardin is next. Here we go. This looks like a new name. John Cardin. Perhaps Garden. Here he comes. Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness. Here he is. Live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for John Cardin, everybody. What's up, y'all? I grew up in a trailer. Y'all knew. I saw you smell it.

Smells like you skull cans and unwanted pregnancies, don't it? I know what the trailer park smells like. I've only got all my years in the trailer park. I came away with one opinion. I've only got one trailer park opinion. I think if you grew up in a trailer park, or if you live in a trailer park, you're not allowed to rescue a dog.

That's not a rescue. That's just relocation. You can rescue the animal. You moved it. You know what I mean? You just transferred it from C block to D block. That's all you fucking did. Thanks, guys.

I've been John. Absolutely. John Cardin. Welcome to the show, John. Thank you for having me, John. Absolutely. This is definitely your first time. I would remember you if you've been on before.

I don't think we've ever had a gay white nationalist on the show before, so this is very exciting. You look like you stormed the backside of the Capitol, huh? This is the first time I get to see the guy that sucks Buzz Lightyear's dick, so I'm kind of happy. What? I didn't quite get that. You look like gay Woody.

Oh, I know. There's a snake in his mouth. I've been doing these jokes for a long time, John. I beat you to the gay Woody thing. So did like 35 other people, too. We all know I look like gay Woody. But you sound like fucking gay fucking Miss Cleo, the psychic reader.

You sound like if Seinfeld didn't have a future. What part of Louisiana... You can't just owe it if it's not funny or smart people. What part of Louisiana are you from? I'm from the Carolinas. Really? Where the fuck is that accent from? It's the Bone Docks, baby.

I grew up in the trailers, man. Holy shit. I know. You're like if Arby's made a baby with a pack of new ports or something like that. This is incredible. I love this. Were you born in an ashtray or something like that?

It's almost mind-blowing. You're like a bottle of Mountain Dew fucked to Serge or something. I look like a vegan biker, man. I know what the fuck I look like. Yeah, you do. What do you do for work, John? I'm a comic, man.

This is what I do. I love it. Absolutely. How long have you been doing this for? For about seven, seven and a half years. Wow. All of it in the Carolinas? No.

I came up in Phoenix. Phoenix is where I kind of came up in comedy. Okay. And what type of jobs were you doing to survive when you started? I got hurt in the army. So I kind of freeload. Okay.

Where'd you serve? I was in Fort fucking Hood, man. That's it? Yeah, Fort Hood. Okay. So you served here in Texas? Absolutely. There's some fucking...

You guys soldiers, too? A bunch of pussies hanging out. I thought maybe I had some real fucking cool fans or something. They're just really excited about the military. I love it. What branch? Army.

Army, that's right. And what did you do for the army exactly? I was in the infantry. I was a lemon bravo. Wow. Fuck yeah. And you never had to go overseas or anything? No, I got fucked up.

They fucked up my spinal cord. How'd they fuck up your spinal cord? I got thrown out of a Humvee. Whoa. Yeah, dude couldn't drive. It was a weird thing. Oh, shit. You fell out of a Hummer?

Yeah. I got thrown out. He hit a berm and I went flying. He hit a what? A berm, you know, like the solid... Oh, a berm. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah. A berm. I thought you said bird for a second. I'm like, what kind of fucking pterodactyl did you guys run into where you fly out of a Humvee in Fort Hood? Like, not many... It can't be possible. Don't...

Many people get hurt there? You'd be surprised a lot of people get hurt and train in, like... Right. Yeah, because people that join the army most time are not as warm as people... Were you there during the shooting? Were you there around then? I was. I was there.

I was not far away from that when it happened. Major Nassan. Wow. Where were you? I was at PX when it happened. We heard it pop off and we ran over. What's PX? It's the place where you buy, like, booze and cigarettes.

Okay. Alright. So basically, like, fucking Army Buckeys. Army 7-Eleven, yeah, pretty much. Okay. Wow. And what were you getting? Were you getting alcohol and stuff like that?

No, I think I was getting the bag of Jack Lynx if I'm being honest. Wow. I love you. You're amazing. You are being honest. I'm positive about that. To be honest, Tony, I was getting a fucking bag of Jack Lynx. That's incredible.

How much beef jerky do you eat? On average? Yeah. That's a hard average to draw, Bubba. I love it when a man calls me Bubba. I've always said that. It makes me feel cozy and warm on the inside. I'm gonna guess on average six ounces a week.

Hell yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, absolutely. That's like Snoop Dogg levels of beef jerky. I love that. Somebody roll my beef jerky for me and send it to me. I got a guy. Oh my God.

Wow. What kind of car do you drive? I'm a dad, so I drive a dad car. Okay. How many kids do you have? Too many. In this time something. Wow.

Hell yeah. With an accent like yours, I'm guessing 17. Out on the range. We had 17. No, I've got three. Three kids. Yeah. I moved here to be a better dad.

I love that. You're here with the baby mama? The baby mama lives in Waco. I moved to Austin, but you know, I'm trying. Okay. Fuck y'all. Okay. No, fuck y'all.

No, fuck y'all. How far away is Waco? Like an hour, right? It's not like an hour. It's long enough for me to be a good dad and still live in Austin. Yeah, I love it. Because I'm a good dad, but I'm not a good enough dad to live in Waco. What types of things do you do?

Do you really want your kids to go to Waco's schools? Yeah. I mean, they don't know how to, they don't know how to like survive Branch Davidians. They don't know how to fix up a house, sell a tin can. They don't know shit. How old are your kids? I got 11, 9 and 7. Okay.

All right. That makes sense. 7, 9 and 11. What did you get them for Christmas? I got my son a Hot Wheels track. I got my daughter a T-set. She's like into like Little Bear kind of shit. And then my oldest one, I got her a drone that record stuff.

Hell yeah. See, I'm telling you, hillbillies do Christmas right. Oh yeah. No doubt about it. They'll spend every fucking penny they have on Christmas gifts. Hell yeah. It's the government's money that I'm spending. Let's be honest.

Absolutely. Absolutely. That's great, John. Very exciting. And you did the whole like, did they get them in the morning or do you have like visitation right? So I have visitation. Right. Sounds like you're reading a sermon up here.

I love it. When we were in Phoenix, I was living in Phoenix. It was separated. So we would do a Thanksgiving at Christmas, a Christmas at Thanksgiving. We do thanksmas. So it's kind of become a tradition. Oh hell yeah. You guys eat like turkey and lasagna and shit like that.

Now they're not fucking Garfield. Yeah. I know. Were you here earlier? I saw that. I walked outside. There you go. You smoke?

I do, yeah. What do you smoke? I smoke American spirits. Really? What color? The same blacks. Very good. That makes sense.

It's the only color a guy like you possibly could smoke. Right. Yeah, that's it. Anything else is just basically fucking pussy-dust. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, John? Yeah, I fucking drove up on that bar. Oh shit.

What do you think is the most white trash thing about you? It's easily my mama. That's not even a question. Can you give us some examples of like what makes your mom white trashy? Perhaps she chews tobacco or doesn't use toilet paper or something like that. Her name's Tammy. Whoa. I should tell you everything.

Holy shit. Oh. My mamas have like Zimas and Paul Mauls were a person. Wow. That's incredible. You talk to her often? I don't. I don't talk to her that often.

Okay. Why not? Because she's fucking crazy. Really? I watched her spit on a man at a Brooks and Dunn concert and that's... You just simply can't make this shit up sometimes. Wow. Brooks and fucking Dunn.

Why'd she spit on a man? I think she had too many Zima readers. Oh my God. Zima readers. That's a margarita with an upside down Zima on the inside. Three Zimas in each one and she drank four. Oh my God. She fought the whole fucking concert.

Wow. She was fucking more Dunn than Brooks on that night. You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. What's the longest set you've ever done? About like an hour. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you could do it. Wow.

Another Christmas miracle. Getting the year started right. John Cardin everybody. Take a big joke book. You did everything right. Great stuff. Professional comedian John Cardin. This is incredible.

This is a pretty... I don't think we've ever had a streak like this. Three actual good comedians in a row. How is this possible? It is a statistical anomaly for those of you that have listened to the show before. Very, very rare treat. They don't make for the best interviews but their minutes are good. You guys ready to find another one?

You think we can go for here? There's no way. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian. Trying to keep the streak alive. This is CJ Byron. Some bitch. Hey, make some noise for America, am I right? You guys aren't ready for this joke.

So, I'm here today. I want to stand up for people near and dear to my heart. They get bashed down a lot. They get shitted on a lot. They can't really do much or say anything right, apparently. I'm talking about white men in America. Those are my motherfuckers right there. People upstairs, they get it.

They fucking get it. Not down here with you, floozies. So, one of them actually told me something shocking the other day. I didn't even know. He was like, CJ, hey, come here. And I knew she was getting serious when he said, come here. I was like, oh, shit. He's like, hey, you can't go telling people what I told you.

I was like, dude, I forgot. I'm fucking 19 Cosmigos deep, dude. I've got my shirt off. I don't know what the fuck's happening. So, he was like, he was like, I was like, he told me. He was like, hey, you know, don't tell him about that brother thing. And I was like, oh, you mean when white people call black people brothers like sugar-free diet nigga?

That's what he's talking about. When a white guy calls a black guy, you're like, hey, brother, it's basically sugar-free or diet nigga. They want to say, hey, what's up? It's hilarious. That is hilarious. How about one more time for CJ Byer and everybody who's here. Welcome to the show.

This is definitely his first time here. I would remember if I hung out with you before, Jesus. Oh, my God. There goes the cords running for its life right now. Actually, byeran or as I call them, Kodak Black. You can call me Big Yachty, baby. You look like what Takashi69 thinks he looks like. This is what it would look like if David Lucas and I made a baby once in a while.

Oh, my fucking, if somebody else calls me David Lucas tonight, I'm going to have a bitch fit. I love it. You are an interesting creature. There are not many black men that would wear those shorts without losing a massive bet. Tell us about your life, CJ. My life's dope. I do dope shit.

I love it, yeah. No, I was in an army like the last fella. I was stationed at Fort Hood, Colleen. Way less gangster than him. I was a tank mechanic. So I didn't do shit all day. And I got out the army and I started running my uncle's bars on West 6th Street. It's pretty cool.

White women love it. What there? What? What do you do on 6th Street? Oh, I run my uncle's bars. Wild on West 6th Street. That guy fucking, yeah, he does. You basically like manage the bar?

Yeah, yeah, when I'm not fucking lit. You seem like you have a lot of fun. This fucking boring interview portion of the show is definitely over. Boring. No, I'm saying not you. It doesn't matter. I love it. So what types of what types of getting fucked up do you do?

Like what's some wild shit that a guy like CJ Byron does? I had a viral video of me taking a shot out of this girl's butthole on 6th Street. Oh shit. It's real life. It's real life. I'm sure somebody has the video. It's real life. Oh shit.

You had some of that fucking crack Daniels, huh? Some of that fucking maker's fart. Some of that fucking fucking... I had a lemon thought. It was a lemon thought is what it was. What did you shoot out of her ass? What did you take a shot of? Cosmigos.

I only drink Cosmigos. I'm trying to get them to sponsor me. I want to be the first black guy to sponsor by Cosmigos. Wow. And your way of getting this sponsorship is by tagging them in videos of you doing shots out of girls asses? Takashi told me shock value is how you win. So I'm a big shock value guy. Wow.

Very, very interesting. How can we find this video by the way? It's definitely somebody's phone. I think somebody airdropped it to me the other day being a dick. Is it online? Oh no, it's not online. My mother would... Oh, so it's not a viral video.

No, no, not anymore. I got taken down by tiktok. You said viral. Is that because you got HPV from it? No. No, I don't think I got HPV. Did it taste normal like when you took the shot? It was a little warm.

Oh, shit. Oh, I'm fucking filthy. What are you doing? Do whatever. Come on. Come on up here. This guy's going to suck your cock. Oh, shit.

Are you going to blow me? Just kidding. Wow. Is there a girl on the audience? Hey, Tony. Is it all right if I do my patented cheers? Here's to men. Here's to honor.

If you can't come in or suck our fucking dicks, let's go. Okay. I'm never going to your uncle's bar. Oh, that is incredible. I love it. What do you have? What's that hanging from the front of your shorts there? This is actually the keys to all the bars.

Wow. That's incredible. Your uncle must be absolutely thrilled. No, he is. He's up there somewhere. Really? Where is he? Where is he?

There he is. There he is. You can't see him up there. He's black. He's black. Is that your uncle? No, no, no. He's very, he's very niggerish.

He's up there somewhere. You said it, buddy. I knew you'd like that one. Yeah. CJ, tell us more about your life. What else? Is this him? Is that your uncle?

Yeah. Black people are the only people that'll have a fucking... This guy's 25. His uncle's 30 up there. That's fucking hilarious. Is that your uncle Char Charle? I can't... Did somebody say they love black Jesus?

Over here. Over here. Ignore the strippers. Ignore the strippers, CJ. It's hard. Ignore the strippers. All right, I'm back. We don't trust their brains.

Some funny, some weird about me. I used to sing in a Portuguese opera. Can you give us a little example of what that was down like? Will you belt out some lines? Ladies and gentlemen, you're having the time of his life on a Monday. This is CJ Byron. Doing a little Portuguese opera for us.

I'm just going to start at the height of this so you guys can hear how great my voice sounds. Yeah. Wow. That's incredible. I mean, absolutely beautiful. That's what he sings right before he rapes a white girl. That's like...

Hey, wait. Funny story about rape. Hold on. Let's do it. Funny story. No, not like that. Do I look like I rape people? Calm down.

No, dude. You're the rapee. Not the rapee. Hell, yeah. It's not rape if you like it. So when I was in college, I played lacrosse at Syracuse, and this girl tried to say that I raped her.

And from that point on, I stopped sleeping with women that I'm not dating and I only get blowjobs. That's all. Because you can't rape a mouth. That's what the lawyer told me. Somebody up there is mad at me. You can't rape a mouth.

Yeah, there's somebody. What the hell is happening? Somebody's slobbing around up there forgetting they're at a live show. What are you yelling, lady? What's wrong? Oh, you can rape a mouth. Hell, yeah.

I'd see why you would know that. Yelling out at a live show. Zip it, lady. Cross those fucking legs, too. I don't want to do a shot out of your butthole. This is what happens if you hackle during the show. I let you get away with it a little bit. Oh, shit, interracial love.

Hell, yeah, I'm all about that, lady. Absolutely. I got two kids by a white Swedish lady. CJ, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? The blackest thing about me? I became a rapper this year. Really? How'd you do that?

How did that happen? So, I met this other rapper fellow. We were at an after party and I was like, dude, I'm the greatest freestyle of all time. Like, I need to rap. He was like, well, I go to studio session. I was like, all right, here's fucking money. Let's go do it.

And lo and behold, we did it. And fucking, I actually performed my song on this stage and we had girls boxing behind us. They got thrown off stage. It's pretty fucking dope. Wow. Yeah. What fucking night was this?

Where was I? Wrapping and boxing? Come on. Oh, dude. Yeah. Titties came out. It was amazing. It was amazing.

Incredible. All right. CJ, that's the blackest thing about you. What's the whitest thing about you? The whitest thing about me? It'd probably be my dick. Probably be my dick. Oh, shit.

Wow. So, no one told you life was going to be this way. CJ, what are we talking about here? What type of, how honest are you willing to be on the size of your penis? Every white woman is very interested in this thing. So, they said an inch is two fingers. Oh, my God. So.

Oh, no. 6.9. 6.9. Oh, okay. I just heard three white guys shoot themselves in the head. That is what the black men consider a small penis, everyone. Sorry, Mexicans and white men. Again, 6.9 was the official measurement.

Welcome to another episode of that black man's small penis. A segment that only happens here on Kylton. It's so stupid. Oh, my God. CJ, I could talk to you forever. You're so charismatic. No way, me. You're so interesting.

Yeah. Yeah, you're very, very... You're going to make me cry, dude. Really? I love it. Well, CJ, what else? Is there anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go? If somebody else yells black Jesus, I'm going to lose my mind.

So, I actually got a girl pregnant without having sex with her. Whoa. Oh, my God. Shit. Bam. Jesus Christ. No, no, no. So, she's a lesbian and she's married so they were doing artificial insemination.

I was like, dude, let me put my super sperm into your kid. Wow. They chose you? God damn. That baby's coming out of the wounds to do a bunch of keys for bars on 6th Street. I love it. A little dirt ball baby coming out of there. Hell yeah, brother.

And black skin and Harley Quinn hair and shit. I love it. CJ, you are so charismatic and fucking likable. Come back, sign up again. Do another thing. Oh, I'm going to sign up all day. All day, all day. There you go.

CJ Byron, everybody. We've run out of big joke books, but we owe you one. Turn that in for a big one sometime. Yeah, I like you. The street continues. Should I pull one more name out of this bucket? You think we could have five interesting people in a row? Oh my God.

Oh my God, this might be the longest streak of decent 60 second sets that we've ever had in the history of the show. Ryan has been there for all of them. I could totally vouch for that. All right, here we go. Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Holly Hart, everyone. Holly Hart. Come on, guys.

So you guys with us here tonight, it's Holly Hart, everybody. We're having fun on a Monday. I think I'm finally ready to come out to my parents as fat. My parents are a couple of good old fashioned things and it's not that they're fat phobic or anything. They're not on the side of the highway chanting, God hates fats with the rest of their church. I do think my parents are going to be disappointed though because they always wanted me to find a nice eating disorder and settle down.

But like so many young women, I started experimenting with being fat in college. When I say it, just stuck. It's not a phase. So I'm just going to sit my parents down and tell them, look, I'm fat. I'm going to be fat for the rest of my life. Also, I eat pussy now. There you go. That's it for me.

Holly Hart, everybody. Wow. Yet again, five in a row. Five performances. Good in a row. Very, very awesome, Holly. Welcome to the show. Thank you.

I'm excited to be here. Yeah. This is your first time here. I'd remember you. I like your style. Absolutely incredible. How long have you been on stand up? Just over two years.

Just over two years. And look at you. You just got it. You're up here working beats, making fun of yourself. Yep. Is this true? Are you going to come out to your parents as fat? I came out to them as bisexual with that joke.

Oh, okay. Like on stage. So you came out of the kitchen and then the closet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect. You could have that if you wanted. It's brilliant. I wrote it with my brain.

I love a free tag. There you go. You got it. I love it, Holly. So that's awesome. What do you do for a living? I work at the Central Texas Food Bank. Wow.

Look at you. Absolutely. Not only do you work there. You also play there, obviously. I love that. I safety test all the food that comes in. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

You're just making withdrawals at that bank. No deposits. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, lots of employee benefits. Filling out one of those little slips when you get in there. I love it. Holly, you talked about your weight from most of your set. How do you think that this happens?

What are like your guilty pleasures? What are you into? Like a lot of fast food, a lot of portion control issues. But I actually lost 20 pounds since the pandemic. Wow. But I realized I was really a lot fatter than I thought because no one noticed I lost 20 pounds. When you're at a certain level, you have to lose a lot for people to tell.

That's incredible. Hell yeah. What do you do for fun, Holly, other than black men? Yeah. I just got a dog. I've been spending a lot of time with her. Okay. Was it a hot dog?

No. Stupid. What kind of dog is it? It's half Australian shepherd, half blue healer. Okay. Yeah. It's helping me stay active. I love that.

You're getting out there. You're walking. Maybe even jogging every once in a while. Sure. Let's not get crazy. But maybe one day, maybe after another pandemic and another 20 pounds, then I can. I love it. Holly, what else?

What do you do for fun? What are you into? I like embroidery. I do a lot of crafts, obviously. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

The only interesting thing about me is to stand up, and so these questions are tough. That's so cool. And again, I know I asked you one more time. How long have you been doing it? Two years. Two years. And all of it here in Texas? Yep.

Right. This is where you're from? I'm from Corpus Christi, Texas. Okay. I know Corpus Christi very well. One of the first road trips I ever got took. I once almost got arrested at a Whataburger because they thought me and my friend were gay, everybody.

That's the true purpose. Literally, they just thought we were gay. That's the true purpose. So that's what Whataburger is in Corpus Christi, where it was like about 14 years ago. That's a true story. We got kicked out of the Whataburger, our buddy, who ended up taking us there, got arrested. He ended up being friends with the chief of police. We ended up calling the chief of police the next day to find out why the police officer

even tried to kick us out in the first place, and the chief of police's exact words to my friend while we were driving to the next city were, I don't know. Oh, the guy just told me that there were a couple of faggots wrestling around in a Whataburger. We just had to get that out of there rather than, and me and my buddy were in the car listening to this. Basically, completely pissing our pants, laughing, because there's no quicker way to my heart than calling me a faggot. You know what I mean?

This way, 14 years later, I made Texas my home forever. I love it. There you go. Thank you. Indeed. Thank you very much. I love it. What else, Holly?

Tell me something else about you. I feel like I'm missing something. Do you have any weird daily routines or anything like that? No. I went to an all-women's college. Okay. And now you're a lesbian. How's being a lesbian going for you?

I am not a lesbian. I am bisexual. Oh, okay. All right. What's your boy-to-girl ratio? If you want to get real technical on the Kinsey scale, I'm a three. We don't know what the Kinsey scale is. Just because people call me a faggot doesn't mean I actually am one, Holly.

Son of a bitch. All right. You think I know what your gay scales are? Here's a little breakdown. Here's a little breakdown. The Kinsey scale is a sociological measurement from zero to eight. Eight being complete, flaming. You're gay.

Zero being 100% straight, four being a true bisexual. I would say I'm a three, leaning slightly straight. Okay. Lean slightly straight. So like the last person that you hooked up with, what was that? It was a boy. I'm currently dating a man, but before that it was a woman. Okay.

What does this man do that you're dating? He's in tech. Okay. Yeah. So it's a feminine guy. Is he a feminine guy? No, I'm attracted to the pole. So very masculine men, very feminine women.

Whoa. Look at you. Hell yeah. Full spectrum of humanity. You just love getting your pussy eight. What's up Holly? I love it. It's incredible.

How about the last time you hooked up with a girl? What was that like? It was good. It was like a semi-per. Did you eat her pussy or just the stuff in a refrigerator? What was that noise? What was that noise that came from my friends? They all went back the same time there.

That's really weird. I hang out with a bunch of fucking sheep. Best of both worlds. We did a little food play. I love it. Absolutely. Little fucking Cher cuterie. All right, Holly.

I mean, I find you to be absolutely, again, incredibly charismatic. Absolutely hilarious. Thank you so much. Here, have a joke book. Again, we got to get more big ones from Bones Eye. It's normally not that good. Yes. Very rarely do we need five big joke books on an episode.

Sort of a statistical anomaly here. You guys ready to put a big ribbon on tonight's episode? We have one last comedian. He's another regular. Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery. Unfortunately, we do believe, and he's getting tested yet again tomorrow, we do believe William got the Omnicron, everyone. So there you go.

So now we know raisin bread and shooting illegal guns are not natural vaccines for the Omnicron. However, there is one other regular here. This guy, a joke writing legend. He's been opening for Rogan, opening for me, opening for Schultz. Ladies and gentlemen, roast guru and joke legend, David Lucas, everybody. Come on. Guys, come on. One more time for your final comedian of the night, the great David Lucas.

Yeah. I think parents should stop telling kids that they can be all they can be when they grow up. Like, that's some bullshit. Like, some of your kids gonna be fucked up. We don't need a world full of kids that can be all they can be. Like, sometimes we need people that know how to work the meat slicer at the deli, you know. The United States only needs 400 doctors. So there's no way all your kids can be all they can fucking be.

You know how many niggas we need to work at one Chick-fil-A? 45. And 38 of the motherfuckers are outside with iPads. I love going to Chick-fil-A, man. Like, Chick-fil-A spoiled you, you know. Like, my pleasure, yeah. They don't charge for sauce and shit, you know. I love it, man.

Like, sometimes I feel like my life be going too good when I go to Chick-fil-A too much. Like, sometimes I have to go to Bird King just to balance myself, you know. They give no fucks about nobody. You pull up to the drive-thru with that Bird King, they be like, what you want? Well, nigga, give me what you see fit for me to have, motherfucker, I don't... Bird King is a bitch. No, don't fucking Jesus Christ. You're good.

You did a minute 43. David Lucas, everybody. We just let you go. You did better than good. That was fucking amazing. Absolute legend on this show. Tony in his bed, boy. The great David Lucas, everyone.

Tony dressed like a funeral napkin. Oh, you son of a bitch. God damn it. And look at you. I mean, you don't even give me anything to fucking make fun of. You come in here and you're fucking pajamas on a Monday. How fat were you when you bought that undershirt, dude? What the fuck is going on there, bro?

Is that a fucking exploded parachute? Are you wearing a parachute as an undershirt? Hey, Tony, I heard... Are those fucking bed sheets you got wrapped around your waist right now? I heard you ask Santa Claus for dick-flavored candy canes. That is stupid. That is stupid. That is stupid.

God damn it. You look like what he would look like if Santa got stuck in a live chimney. And you put a pool stick at the bottom of your chimney for Santa to slide down on. God damn it. Tony put a mistletoe right above his asshole. All right. You son of a bitch. Special Christmas edition fucking jokes over here.

From a guy that eats milk and cookies 24-7. Absolutely incredible. He thought a reindeer was something you do at a strip club. Stupid. You left Santa Claus a bottle of wine and a tampon. You're crazy, dude. You're out of control. How did you celebrate Christmas?

What did you do? Were you here in Austin? Nah, I was in LA. Fuck with them children. Okay. What did you get? Would you get your kits for Christmas? Too much shit, bro.

I ain't got no money right now. Damn. What are we talking about? Hot Wheels track? Nah, brother. My kids like Gucci and Balenciaga dog. Oh my God. Oh, that's your fault, though.

It is. You know, their daddy is a name brand ho and their mama be on some ho shit too, so. Damn. Do you ever buy them like fake shit? You ever go to like Chinatown in LA? We're like, yeah, this is Gucci. I mean, they're kids.

Man, my kids is rough. That shit will fall apart on my children's feet, bro. That fake shit be smelling like, I don't know. You ever smell fake shoes, bro? Nah. That shit stink. It does. Smell like hairspray.

Oh, shit. It's when you get new cars smell from like auto zoning, you just spray it on the shoes before you give it to them. Nah, bro. I mean, you know, I'm doing all right in life. I can buy them some real shit. What have you been doing? You been on a diet?

People have been telling me that you've been losing weight. I don't see it, but they keep telling me like, David's looking thinner. Only time you lose weight is when a nigga take his dick out your ass. This is crazy. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. I don't end up losing that much weight when he does that

because he comes in my ass beforehand. You silly goose. I'm kidding. Well, if you fuck a black guy, you'll lose three pounds. Jesus Christ, David. Absolutely. So that was on what possessed you to put that bullshit ass shirt on, nigga? What are you talking about?

Your shirt looked like one of them things they used to drop on Wiley Coyote. You know, like the little metal thing. It looked like the design of the metal thing. Yeah. What's it called? Anvil. Yeah. Y'all see the Anvil right there?

You doing fucking cartoon jokes on me, dude? Fat motherfucker. Yeah, bro. Yo, fuck it. Shut your, shut your light pole built ass up. You are unbelievable. What have you been doing for fun? What brings you to Austin this time around other than obviously this show?

Man, this white girl, she got my ticket. Oh shit. White girl with the ticket. Is she here tonight? Nah, that's what she had. She didn't tend to see it though, but you know. Wow. That's the kind of life you live.

You got white girls buying you tickets, aren't even here. Yeah, man. You know. Wow. We're a novelty, bro. You know what I'm saying? You're a black entertainer with a torpedo. You can do what you want.

What's a torpedo? A dick. Oh, I see. I got you saying, you have a torpedo. There you go. All right. I guess so. I guess so.

There was a black guy here earlier that said his dick was only 6.9 inches. What do you think about that? I mean, my shit be like that when I'm cold. You know, the belly, bro. It's the belly. Oh my goodness. Hell yeah. You got fucking.

You got dreadlocks longer than that guy's penis. What do you have fun planned while you're in town then? What happened? How long you staying here this time? I got to go to Tampa tomorrow, bro. I got some shows in Tampa, then Danny Beach. Yeah. What beach?

Danny. I don't know how to say that shit. Daytona? No, look at a rabbit. It's like Danny. Have you only read it? You've never heard anybody say it? I ain't never heard nobody say it.

Did you say Daytona? Dania. It's like Dania Beach Empire. It's like I won our roast battle here tonight, my friend, and you don't even know it. Type in D-A-N-I-A, Empire, Dania Beach Empire. What? They just opened an empire in Dania. You shut the fuck up.

Watch all y'all get proved wrong, man. Oh my God, Dania. Ah, nigga. Oh my God. You are literally performing this weekend at the most empty comedy club in the history. Of comedy clubs. Well, at least I ain't got to perform in nobody bedroom, motherfucker. They got...

Tony got to shake that loose ass thong he gonna be wearing. Oh, you're... What the fuck are you saying over here? I'm looking at your tour dates coming up. Oh, what's up, man? Now, then what'd you say? You're saying at least I ain't got to perform in nobody bedroom. Oh, you son of a bitch, dude.

Goddamn. This noise cancellation on this mic is fucking with me, bro. I don't like that shit. Yeah, I don't like that shit. Turn that shit off, though. It's a part of it. It's a part of it. They don't even know what I'm talking about.

There we go. All right, yeah. So a white girl bought you a ticket, you know? No, I was just bullshitting, bro. Oh. Really, though? I mean, bro, it... It seems sort of like a weird thing to bullshit about.

A white girl in Tennessee bought you a ticket to come here. I'm pretty sure. I mean, you know, you know, bro, stick to the G code, bro. I don't see nothing, you know? Oh, my goodness. My cash shop just happened to have 387 one day. You know what I'm saying, bro? Wow.

I don't know what anything you just said means at all. I ain't a black girl right here, but we should all talk about it. I'm going to type everything you just said into Urban Dictionary and translate it. Hey, I hope you're jogging that white boy. You went in with that necklace. You're jogging. I love it.

Ryan Jay, you have been with the show forever. You've seen regulars come and go. This is the great David Lucas. What do you think about... That's my dog, right? Yeah. I've seen him in like a year. Yeah.

You guys are old school friends. How do you feel about David? Are you just trying to rope me into getting made fun of? No. I can't even roast him the way he said made fun of. I know. So I'm like here in fifth grade, man. He wanted to be mean to me.

You do look like the werewolf from Silver Bullet, though. That pastor that turned into a werewolf. The boy in the wheelchair shot that rocket in your eye. Shot that down fire with... The fuck are you talking about? You ain't never seen Silver Bullet? No. Y'all seen Silver Bullet?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. It's a handicapped boy in a wheelchair. He tells everybody... Like he kind of like Michael Lerner, though. You know what I'm saying?

He tells everybody in the neighborhood that there's a preacher that's a werewolf and they don't believe it. So he shoots him in the eye with a firework. And he's like, see? He got a patch on his eye. He's at church. And then they end up like melting down his necklace, I think, and making a Silver Bullet.

It's on YouTube, bro. Wow. It's on YouTube right now. Are your kids afraid of werewolves or are they mostly... My kids ain't scared of shit. Are they mostly just like, where is... Fuck, I fucked it up. I got black kids, bro.

They only scared of bugs. I just fucked up a good one. My kids ain't scared of shit, bro. Let me tell you something about black children, bro. They ain't scared of shit but bugs. Is that true? Right. They ain't scared of...

What about swimming pools? No. Now? What about a lifetime of responsibility? Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the all-time greats, David Lucas, everybody. We did it. Another amazing episode of Kill Tony.

Come on, make some noise for David, everybody. I think he got the best of me tonight. How about a hand for my guest for the first time ever in his history, Ryan J. Ebelt, everyone. And he's got a drawing. While you all sat there doing nothing, he drew tonight's episode. That print and every single print of every show that's ever happened is available at ryanjeebelt.com.

So that's where you can find that. Ryan, I'm so glad you were able to join us. It's so cool that we had you on panel your night in town here. Hey, and by the way, the new book, the volume three of Ryan J's book. He's out right now for those of you listening to the podcast. It just made its debut, so go to ryanjeebelt.com and get the book. Ryan, anything else? Well, thanks, everybody, for being so nice,

for being the most disappointing guest of all time. He's the sweetest man in the world. Guys, how about one more time for the screwball peanut butter whiskey kill Tony band, everyone? The great Michael Gonzalez on drums defended his throne tonight. John Dee's on the keyboard. Dee Madden is on bass guitar. And his first time with the show, the great Paul Deemer, everybody.

The Kill Tony official after party starts right now. Thank you guys so much for coming out, Red Band. Love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. Oh, yeah, I forgot, everybody, a local artist, Chris Rogers, drew tonight's episode. And it's the great Ryan Jeebelt, everybody. It's literally a drawing of you.

That is so cool. Yeah. So, everyone, here, let's take a... Let's go. Thank you. Thank you.