KILL TONY - #540 - EHSAN AHMAD

Episode Date: January 15, 2022

Ehsan Ahmad, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, William Montgomery,  John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/03/2020–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—DRAFT KINGS! – Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now, use promo code KILLTONY, andget FIFTY SIX TO ONE ODDS on any NFL team. Bet just FIVE DOLLARS and winTWO HUNDRED EIGHTY IN FREE BETS if your team wins. That’s promo codeKILLTONY at DraftKings Sportsbook — an Official Sports Betting Partner of theNFL.

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shop Squad dot TV.

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I think you guys can do one better. Austin, are you ready to celebrate one year of us doing this shit here with you tonight? The first episode of the year. Let's fucking go. The great Brian Redban is here, everybody. Hey, everybody. The man who invented podcasting. One year of us doing the show here in Austin and one year of us having this goddamn band. How about a hand for these guys, everybody?

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Every single week we have one of the best comedians in the world on as a guest this week. Absolutely. Guess what? No different real thing that we've been taking pride in here the last couple of years as the show evolves is that at this guest chair. It's not always a big fucking hokey celebrity comedian. You know, we almost literally had carrot top as our guest today. I swear to God, you'll never know how close you were to being here at carrot tops first ever kill Tony. I swear to God.

We just had a problem with his jet. We were so close. Would I make that up? But instead of what I'm saying is over the last couple of years we've introduced you to some of the, you know, literally the top young rising comedians in the world before other people even find out about him. And I truly believe that this is one of those situations. I've watched this guy. He came out here from LA where we were at the comedy store came up as a door guy just like so many of the greats.

He killed at my show on New Year's Eve. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a real growing fucking beast of a comic. One of my favorites. It's the great Asan Ahmad, everybody. It is your introduction to Asan Ahmad. Comedy store royalty, much like your little Uncle Tony over here. Some blue North or vodka up here. Crazy ass place.

Asan, how are you? Welcome. I'm good. I'm happy to be here. First ever time on panel. You're dressed up like you got to make it through TSA. You look fantastic. I love it.

We all trust you. I'm right here. There's nothing attached to his chest, everybody. So that's something new. You've been doing awesome. You've been wearing the suits. Yeah, you've been dressing up lately. I watched Asan go from fucking the top of the junior class to fucking guy that throws kids into lockers now.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I put on one suit and I was like, oh, this is this is the way to go. And it's just suit after suit now. That's awesome. Yeah. There you go. Asan Ahmad will be with us all night. We're going to have fun.

I think you guys mostly know how this show works. But if you don't, a bunch of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds tonight. Extra lot of people. This always happens the first show of the new year. So there's going to be some fucking resolutions that you're going to get to see here. And you're just going to get to see people's hearts get torn out of their chest. Or things could go tremendously well. And that's a cool thing that happens every once in a very great while too.

But you know how it works. They pull one of their names out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds on this stage. You know, their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and interrupts them. And then I interview them for a bit and we find out more about them. You guys ready to do this shit?

All right. Before we go to this bucket, I'm going to bring up one of our regulars. He was made a regular just a few months ago. Again, this is another guy fucking absolutely destroying every night, and from doing way too many open mics every night, to now headlining fucking shows, selling tickets. And he was made a regular here just a few months ago. This is the great Hans Kim, everybody.

Here we go. 2022. Hey, you guys think cops have a hand fetish? That's why they're always like, hey, let me see your hands. Nice. Put them by your butt. I think it's funny when people blame Mexican people for their economic problems. They're like, you know who's taking all my money?

These people with less money than me. They've got my money. What about the people with the money? Maybe they took your money because they have it. Not the people without it. They don't have it. Pretty good at math. You think rich people after they have good sex, they turn to each other and they're like, man, we really aren't missing out on anything, are we?

That's my time. Thank you guys very much. That is. That is exactly a minute. Fuck yeah, Hans, welcome. You got a new jacket? Is that a new Christmas jacket? It's an old jacket that I had in my van. Oh, okay. There it is. First time I've seen you in it. The Texas weather is turning and now I need to dress like I'm in New York right now, so.

I'm loving it. Thank you guys for having me. Okay, thank you. Hell yeah, he always knows how to fucking pick and roll, you know what I mean? If he's not going to get a laugh, he's just a super grateful young man. Hans, tell us about it. It's been a big week. Fucking New Year's, Christmas, whatever happened. What tell us about something? What's going on in your life? It's always interesting. Well, I did a show here and then on New Year's and then on the New Year's midnight, I made out with a Ukrainian woman.

Whoa, okay. All right. Ukrainian, huh? Yeah. How was that? It was very smooth and a little like spritzy, like a little taste of like a soft drink. Oh my goodness. Hell yeah. Okay. What else, how else would you describe this girl other than Ukrainian? Was she young, old? What are we talking about?

She was middle aged. Middle aged. If you had to guess what that means, like if you had to throw a number out there, I think we all want to know what you think middle aged is. Well, she told me that she was 36 years old. But you say that like you don't believe her though. I mean. Or else you would have said 36 instead.

You said she told me she was 36, which means you think she's what? Oh, no, no, she's. Oh, is she here tonight? Oh, no, no. I had a feeling. I feel like it's an accurate representation. Okay. All right. How did that make you feel?

You made up with the Ukrainian midnight. Is that a thing you normally do? Do you normally kiss a girl at midnight on New Year's Eve? No. I think this might be like the second time. It's happened for me. Do you remember the other time? Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah.

It was, it's all right. It was like a person I was dating. Sounds like a dude to me. Yeah, man. Moving on, Tony. I'm so grateful to be here. What else, Hans? How about New Year's?

Do you have a hangover? What goes on? I did some mushrooms. I've played a little game of Catan. Three hours long. It's on YouTube. I saw it. I streamed it live for the viewers.

Wow. How many mushrooms did you eat? Like one that was this big and then another one that was like that big. Jesus Christ, Hans. What are these shit-talkies? Stupid. So what does a guy like you do when you're out there

just tripping balls? And what do you do? Go out there and drive perfectly? Stop at every stop sign. Proceed with actual caution. Complete control over your yielding. So you're supposed to do, isn't it? You're supposed to follow the law.

So what do you do? What did you end up doing after eating all those mushrooms? I made out with a beautiful Ukrainian woman. Oh, does that again? So you ate the mushrooms before midnight? Yeah. Wow, was there ever really a Ukrainian woman, Hans? Was it Yoni?

Wow. And then what? Then I walked her to a car and then we made out furiously on the hood of her car. Oh, okay. Furiously. Oh, my God. What does that mean?

Are you saying that your tongues are doing things? Are your hands doing things? What are you doing with your hands, Hans? I was grabbing her butt. Whoa. Wow, some of the forbidden fruits. Okay. Grabbed her butt.

Then how does it end? What's the last thing that ends up going on? She's like, I got to go home. I need to go home. You're distracting me in a very playful way, not in that tone of voice. Oh, thank goodness. I was sort of concerned.

I thought you were describing a rape to us for a moment there. All right, Mario. Jesus, you get it. I went to a mechanic to get my van brakes fixed. And then when I walked in, the guy there, he said, we don't serve Asians here. What? Yeah.

And then he was like, just kidding. I recognize you from Kill Tony. Oh, wow. Look at that. That's very cool. I was going to do a live Yelp review of this guy. Jesus Christ. I actually invited him here.

He's probably somewhere in the audience. Did he fix your brakes? Is that him over there? Is that your brakes guy? That's so weird. 399 people feeling really left out right now. He just heard that slow clap of, look at the old tire guy over there.

So what are we talking about? Brakes, how did they go? Good? Yeah, he fixed them up and they're working great. Thank you, man. Did he cut you a deal or anything like that? Or did you just give this fucking guy free tickets for nothing? I mean, it was like $1,000, but it's like,

I don't know how much it should be. $1,000 for brakes? This is how we find, this is how he finds out he got ripped off today. In front of all of his peers and friends and audiences. Like, oh, fuck. Wait, are you talking just to break pads? The rotors were fucked up too.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's not great. And the pads. Well, there you go. Jesus. Hans, always an unbelievable minute. Always fun to catch up with you. Son, you know Hans.

Tell him how good he is. Oh, Hans, you're so great. You guys work together all the time. Makes up for you beating me on the competition. I did beat you. Never forget. All right. There he goes.

Hans Kim, everybody. You got to make this started. Thank you. Now we go to the bucket where anything can happen. Sometimes it's an old legend. Sometimes it's a young, horrible person. Sometimes it's whatever. Your first comedian out of the bucket

performing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Christopher Mueller. Christopher Mueller will get tonight's show started for us. Here he comes. All right. Here he is. Make some noise for Christopher Mueller. All right.

Thank you. You know, growing up this whole time, my dad always thought I was a closet of queer. He said I'm actually just a Jeep guy. Right? I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of stuff I don't understand about vaginas. Right?

One of them is I don't understand why girls call their vaginas kooky sometimes. Because that's a bad name for a vagina. One, it's creepy. Two, I've never paid $500 for a kooky before. I also don't understand why people pay for phone sex. Because like, what's phone sex? You're just listening to a girl fake orgasm on the phone.

And that's the worst part of women is listening to people on the phone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't like when girls fake orgasm either because it doesn't help me get better in bed. The guy was going down to the girl one time. I thought I heard something.

I'm like, what was that? She goes, it's a yawn. Don't worry. You're doing fine. Yeah. Fuck yeah. There it is. Christopher Mueller, everybody.

Welcome to the show, Chris. This is your first time, right? Yes, sir. Yeah. How long have you been on stand up? Over a year. Like November 2020 is when I started. Okay.

We're at all of it here in Texas. No, Providence. I actually came down here last May for two weeks. And it was the two weeks that the show was like not going. Oh, yes. May of last year. Wow. Seems like decades now.

It was, I almost totally forgot about that. We did indeed only take three shows off the entire year. One was the blizzard in which you couldn't go to a grocery store. And then we took two weeks off in May, just a little fucking sabbatical, you know what I mean? It was fucking strategical fucking vacations. Yeah. You think I'm that crazy that I would have worked?

Okie dokie. Totally unaffected by it. No, I'm kidding. Christopher, welcome to the show. So the first thing you said was that your dad always thought you were gay. And that's interesting because you sort of come across until we hear the rest of yourself. Like a tough guy. You know what I mean?

Like you seem like a manly man. And then you went on and on talking about how you hate vaginas and shit like that. You hate women. I don't hate women. Take orgasms. You're from Providence. Yeah. All of these things add up.

What's your relationship with your mother like? Very good. Very good. I don't know. Too well, I guess. I don't know. Uh-oh. Alright.

Oh shit. Someone's going back where they came from, dude. Was that really a minute? Because I didn't get to my final punchline. Yeah, yeah. It was more than a minute. Fuck. Alright, next time, dude.

I'll get the punchline next time, dude. Right? It was exactly a minute. Yeah. But you could have done, you said you couldn't get to the punchline. Like there was a final fucking thing, a fucking title. Do you want to do it now? Um, well, yeah, I bet you guys want to hear it.

Oh, you're asking them, not me. Who the fuck do you think runs the show? You're the boss. You're the boss. I know. Oh, you guys want to hear it? Shut the fuck up, dude. Look who's comfortable up here.

Sorry, dude. Okay, bring it all together. Let's watch Christopher Mule bring it on. This literally never works, but because you guys want to see it. Hey, thank you, thank you, thank you. All right. Yeah. Bad blowjobs go or better.

Sex goes both ways. But when I'm getting a bad blowjob, I like helping out. That's why I made a mold of my own dick so I can stop her. Like, no, no, no. Here's how I would do it. Wow, Matt Mule. Dude, it's just a jeep thing. Okay.

Oh, it's a callback. All right. It's a callback. Did it work? No, it didn't work. Dude, you know that shit didn't work. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Are you talking about a son? What do you think about this guy? If you have to ask if it worked, it didn't work. Yeah. That's just a fact. 100% of the time. Even D-Madness plugged his ears at one point. Let me tell you something.

That means he's operating off of only like two senses when he does that. Okay, dude. Anyway, so tell us, Christopher, what do you do for work? What does a guy like you do? Well, I just got out of the Coast Guard and I moved out here to Texas to sell solar panels. Okay. Coast Guard, huh? What exactly do you guys do over there?

Did we even really consider that the military? I mean, it seems like just a bunch of beach bums to me. You know what I'm saying? Totally kidding, guys. That'll be clipped out. Now the Coast Guard hates us. That was my boot camp graduation song. Okay.

So you were in the Coast Guard for how long? Four years. What exactly did you do there? Search and rescue and then I ended it. Did you ever rescue anybody? Tell the truth. No, no, no. Okay, very good.

Wow. So basically other people in this room have done more rescuing than you. Oh yeah, probably. After four years of search and rescue for the United States of America. Sure, dude. You did nothing. Thank you for your service. How about an animal?

Ever like a piece of roadkill that you saved or anything like that? No, like I was on the end of saving people, but I was like on the radio because like just given the time frame of... Boring! Yeah, I know. So it's like a really high up lifeguard. Why, man? Like there's some bad...

But it's a lifeguard just sat on the bench like listening to a radio. Yeah, honestly, that's what I did. That's what I did. But there's some bad ass people in the Coast Guard, not me. Okay, Christopher, you talked a lot about the ladies during your set. What's your actual love life like? What are we talking about here? Pretty good.

I'm dating a female. Oh, wow. Okay. From birth. Your father would be proud. A son? It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself. No.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying. She is a female. It really does. How long have you been with this girl? Two and a half years. Oh, okay. So she live with you?

No, she's in New Hampshire right now, so I'm kind of like we're distant right now. It's kind of... Whoa, the old LD to New Hampshire. Wow. That's rough. She's probably still has an actual phone with a cord attached to it, huh? People are weird out there. A New Hampshire Delaware.

Okay. What does she do? Coast Guard. Wow. I can't believe your girlfriend is also a faggot. That's incredible. My mind is completely blown. It's very hard for someone to pull off being both of those things.

A girlfriend and a... I forgot. But that is incredible. Is it New Hampshire Landlocked? No, it's got like 30 miles of coastline. I don't know. By the way, can I say this dude killed the New Year's Eve at Creek in the Cave. I was looking for you at...

What the fuck are you doing right now? Are you having another... This is a different show. You tell him later. You tell him you had a good set at a different venue on a different night later. Have you ever been on public before? Nope. God damn it.

You have any special skills or talents, Christopher? Anything you're really good at? Playing pool, playing darts, playing poker. Okay, look at you. You're an alcoholic. Yeah, for sure. 100%. What's your drink of choice?

Drink of choice. Go to his Miller light, but like... Wow. Again, your father would be proud. That's drink of choice, dude. Wow. Hook him horn. The king of beers.

That's brand new old fashioned. You know I like basic shit, Tony. I love it. Well, Christopher, we'll buy you a... Go get a Miller light from the bar over there. Tell him to put it on my tab. Take one of these joke books. It's a tiny one.

Oh, a little one. Thank you so much, man. From the Great Bones Eye. This is a young buck. Who knows? Maybe he'll get a chance to save somebody's life later on. Get to fulfill a long prophecy of... Arash Tajiki.

Arash Tajiki is next on Kill Tony. Sounds like there could be some relation here, son. Is that family member? This might be a sell when he gets up here. All right, come on, people. Make some noise for Arash Tajiki. How's it going, guys? I'm glad I don't have to go on dating apps anymore, you know,

just because of all the single moms on there. No offense. Single moms are definitely the homeless people of dating sites, I think. I think we're gonna agree. It's just, there's... They're there, but no one wants them there. They're just in the way. I'm sorry, I'm just trying to get to that nice 22-year-old behind you

if I could just not interact with you at all. But also, it's like they just have so much demands for how shitty their situation is, you know, because it's like they always want a real man to come in. But it's like the real men don't want the worst Walgreens employee. You know what I mean? They're not like, oh my god, if only an alcoholic cookie monster wearing mess would just ruin my life right now, that's all I want.

And then we could ride my Lamborghini together. That'd be great. And I could raise her kids. Maybe I'll get laid. That'd be fun. All right, that was my set. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Hell yeah.

There he is. Arash Tajiki. Hell yeah. What the fuck were you talking about up here? I don't know. Do you even know what you were trying to talk about? I mean, I just made it up. I don't know.

I love it. Fucking Jesus rolls over here. I just, you know, sometimes resentment builds up. You just got to, you know. What's going on? Like, why? Why is that happening? I think now that I have a girlfriend, it's all coming out.

You know, now I can really hate women the way I was supposed to. Oh my god. Yeah, it was kind of nice. You know, yeah, it just. Wild. So I locked one down. I don't need to respect the rest of the, you know, it's all good. Yeah, it's kind of.

Wow. Oh my god. Did you lock one down or with a name like Arash Tajiki was already decided for you? I mean, she will surely dump me when she sees this, but you know, it was worth it. It was, I had to get the word out to my brothers out there. Oh my goodness. Yeah. What are these?

The hijackers or something? Yeah. What ethnicity are you Arash? I'm from Iran. I'm a Persian, Persian guy. Oh, okay. Well, that's, that's, that's, that's our national anthem. That's it.

Yeah. Yeah. Good shit right there. Yeah. Love that song. Wow. Good stuff. So how, what, and again, you, you're from Egypt or something?

I'm from Ladeshi. Oh, there you go. Ladeshi. That's also our national anthem. It's crazy. This is my favorite episode of the jungle book I've ever seen in my entire life. This is incredible. So you guys were both like raised by lions and tigers and shit or something?

Oh yeah, dude. I'm so sorry we both have to be, this is bad for you. I'm sorry. That was bad. Yeah. You guys okay? Do you want me to get you a sandbox you can play in or something like that? Arash, what do you do for work?

I work in video games and a programmer. Oh yeah? Yeah. You okay? I get the programmer energies coming off. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Very jittery, wobbling back and forth. Sure. What do you like to do for fun? What like loosens you up? I love basketball. I love watching basketball. Really? Yeah.

Really? The rare Iranian basketball. Yeah. Yeah. We can, we enjoy sports. Yeah. Yeah. It can be done.

Hell yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Is that, what are Iranian sports known for? Like have you guys ever win a big game and something? Wrestling is big. It goes back. It's like a historic tradition.

Hell yeah. You know, yeah. Like they have like, it's like a religious thing too. Like they have like these big like religious gyms. So they just lift weights like strongman stuff. Okay. Do you ever wrestle? No, no.

Bobby, my grandpa actually went to the Olympics. He was like a wrestler. Okay. Yeah. In the 60s. Your grandpa the iron cheek. Yeah. Actually three years behind the iron.

They once the Olympics like three years with anything. See y'all thought I was being racist. Yeah. No. I'm friends with the iron cheek. Yeah. I've roasted the iron cheek. He's not, I wish that would be amazing.

But I mean, I would just be trying to. Right. I got you. Yeah. I got you. So now you got this girlfriend. You guys live together, right? She's not in New Hampshire, is she?

No, no, no. She's here in Austin. We have separate places. Yeah. Okay. So it looks like I get the feeling that it's particularly clean yet incredibly tiny. Yeah.

It's like the apartment from Taxi Driver. You've watched that movie. I'm going for that one. Wow. Yeah. It's like that. So you have so many things in common with Taxi Driver. It turns out.

Yeah. Not only do you live like one, you also look like one. I really walked into that. That was a bad idea. Yeah. You didn't really walk into it. I like to think that my extremely quick wit turned that into something out of nowhere.

Right. A rush. Anything else crazy we should know about you? You seem like a guy that fucking knows how to sing some opera or something like that. Am I right? Oh yeah. Something crazy.

I'm just a normal guy having a good time, you know. No one believes you. Again. No one believes you. This is a very suspicious women Haiti episode so far. Very like, no, it's totally normal. Me and my girlfriend, she's totally alive. Yeah.

You know, someone's going to bring that in cell comedy to the masses. So you know, that's. There you go. I don't know. What do you guys think? Anything else before I let this guy go? You've been on the show before, right? Yeah.

Like a few months ago. I actually had him on a secret show. He killed it also. I actually like to have you back on this week if you can. Wow. Look at that. You already have a joke book, right? You have one of these.

So then there you go. We'll just keep moving on. Arash Tajiki, everybody. There he goes. I'm going to pull another name out of this bucket. We're moving now. You guys having fun out there? Here we go.

Hey, Ryan Westover is next here on Kill Tony. Some of these people sign up every week. They never get called. Some people get called quite often. Seems like a new name. One more time for Ryan Westover, everybody. Hey, everyone. Steve Jobs wore the same outfit every single day because picking out an outfit was considered

a waste of his brain power. That inspired me. I wanted to apply that to my own life, you know? So that's why I wear the same condom every single time. I'm wearing it right now. My father's condom. His father's condom. I have a girlfriend.

She has a PS4. And lately I've been playing a lot of Minecraft on it. So much in fact that she's been getting jealous. She's like, babe, I'm worried that you're going to replace me with this game, okay? Eventually you'll dump me because you won't need me anymore. All you'll need is the game. And I was like, babe, that is not true, okay? Of course I need you.

You own the PlayStation. How else am I supposed to play my fucking game? All right. All right, that's all right. Wow. Was that a genuine all right at the end there? All right. I guess I'll just be on my way now.

Okay. But me and I really thought you guys would give me a little bit more than that on that one. How adorable. Welcome, Ryan. How long have you been on stand up? A year and a half. A year and a half. Okay.

All right. There you go. Just trying out some new stuff or something, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm definitely not doing your best minute here. I haven't been doing those jokes for a year. Yeah, no, I've not.

Okay. Ryan, so year and a half, all of it here in Austin? No, Utah. Utah? Wow. Salt Lake City or just a suburb? The suburb's just outside like 15 minutes. My goodness.

Wow. Did you grow up Mormon? No, I did not. My parents did. Okay. Yeah. I can really get this Utah vibe. It's a lot like a tall glass of fucking spring water over there.

Very boring. Very boring. Right. What's interesting about you, Ryan? Tell us something. Let's see here. You look like both a cop and a pedophile at the same time. That's something that, have you ever thought about that?

No, no. I mean, the pedophile part makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. You do. You're both the pedophile and the victim. And the cop that would arrest the pedophile for molesting you. And I could even see you being one of the jurors at your own trial.

And the public defender. God damn it. That was so good. I lost my goddamn Sharpie marker. Fuck yeah. Ryan, what do you think you look like? I just look boring. Really.

There's no substance. I love it. Tell us something exciting. What are your parents like? They're still together. Obviously, I could tell by how funny you are. Parents are still together. Two sisters.

You guys each had your own bedroom. Your father does pretty well for himself. Mom cooks a dinner every night. Am I spot on? You're almost there except for, I don't have two sisters. I have one and two brothers. Okay, buddy. So four bedrooms?

Yes. Each one of you had your own bedroom? Actually, I shared a bedroom for years. Now, no. Now you got your own bedroom. Look at that. All grown up. How old are you, Ryan?

I'm 23 years old. 23. You're adorable. Look at you. This is my first time in my life. This is fucking nothing matters at this point. You started young. That's fucking great.

What do you do for work? I make sandwiches. Whoa. A real artist. Hell yeah. How long have you been making sandwiches for? Only like two to three months now. Okay.

All right. Okay. You actually told me I'd be making sandwiches for the rest of my life. So that's it. I remember it. Oh, you've been on this show before? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Now, something seems different. I don't recognize it. Is that a real mustache? Are you trying to trick me? This guy's trying to throw me off his tracks over here. Well, I don't want him to remember that last set. I'm going to go in fresh with a new look, a new me, 2022. Went to Lucy in disguise for that mustache.

Well, you said you play Minecraft, which is a kid's game. Now, do you still play it a lot? Not a whole lot. That's a kind of weird video game to be addicted to. Yeah. It's weird that you even know this much about it. Who plays more Minecraft? Me or you?

I've never played it. All right. I'm going to stop you two nerds before this goes any further. My God. I love it. What's something interesting about you? We don't know, Ryan. Well, one time I almost traded a piece of pizza for crack.

Yeah. Yeah. So I used to live in LA and I was working at this pizza shop down on like Spring and Seventh Street. OK. We don't need the exact location. Right there. Unless that comes back later in the story.

I don't think we need to know the cross streets here. You're working a pizza place. You're in LA. Let me guess. A crackhead comes in? I was doing a lot of drugs at the time. You were? I was doing a lot of drugs at the time.

You were? I was doing a lot of drugs. What? Felt like trying something new. And then I just, I happened to have pizza from work. You, wait a second. Hold on a second. You move out of suburban Utah, right?

You're how old? I'm 23. I was 20 at the time. No. I'm saying at the time of the story. You're 20 years old. You're thinking of trying something new and you started crack. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I was already dabbling with other stuff like heroin. What? You don't remember the heroin part? I don't think there's really a dabble there. I don't think that registers on any of the measurements of heroin use. I'm pretty sure you can go as minimal as it gets. And it still wouldn't be the word dabble.

Did you inject it with a syringe into your fucking body? No. I was doing the rich kid way. I was smoking it on tinfoils. Rich kid way is snorting it, man. That's middle class. No, it is. Well, I mean, I don't really know what you guys are talking about again.

You might as well go back to your Minecraft conversation if we're going to talk about snorting heroin. I'm out of my element here. I love it. So you were really doing this. You're smoking this. You're smoking that. I was. Yeah.

Did you trade the people? What stopped you? I did not. I just had something. And I was just like, you know what? I probably should just go home. I think I got alcohol and other things. Yeah.

Wow. And how about now? Are you still doing hard drugs? No, no, no. I've been clean for like a year and a half, two years. Yeah. Wow. Good to pass.

Thanks. Let me ask you this. Do you think you were funnier on heroin? No. No? You sure? You have any videos of that? No, you started right after it seems like that's about when you...

Yeah. This is your fix. Yeah. Should we have him come back next week on heroin and we could try? You're like... How many of you think we should get this guy high on fucking... God, I can't think of any kind of heroin right now. All right.

Wow. We're not going to do that to you. We're proud of you for being clean and sober, whatever. Do you drink or anything now? Yeah. No, I drink a little bit. I'm not completely sober, but... Okay.

What are we talking about? You seem like a red wine kind of guy. And a Tony just a couple glasses before bed. That's all it takes for me. That's a Coors Light fella. I just drink my wine, take off my mustache and fall asleep. Put it right on the side table next to my bed. Make sure it's there.

All right. Do you drink Coors Light? I do. Uh-oh. Very good. Red Band always can guess what another man drinks. All right. Ryan, fun times.

Congratulations. Thank you. It happened again. Come back again some other time. Have you gotten a joke book before? Yeah, yeah. You got a big one or a small one? A big one.

Here, take a small one. You've earned it. There he goes. Ryan Westover. We're just going to keep lying through it. Let's get another fucking stranger up here. Wow. This is a fucking special episode.

Make some noise for your next comedian, Haseeb Ejaaz, everybody. Haseeb Ejaaz. The bucket of destiny laughs in our faces. One more time for Haseeb, everybody. Yeah. Okay. Knock knock.

Ice. Ice. Isis. I can sense some of you guys pulled back at that. Just to let you guys know, I am Muslim and I am not bothered by terrorist jokes at all. Because I know I'm not a terrorist. I'm a freedom fighter.

So onward, what's the difference between a Mexican and a Pakistani? Mexicans only play with illegal explosives in July. And Pakistanis do not require alcohol to abuse their kids. Thank you. Hell yeah. Very good. Haseeb Ejaaz, welcome to the show.

This is your first time on. I definitely remember you. Yeah, it's my first time here. Hell yeah. First time in Austin. I love it. I love it. You're visiting from where?

Anaheim. Anaheim. California. Okay. And how long have you been on stand up? Like, my first set was in 2018, December. Alright, I'll do the math for you. So we'll do about three or four years, huh?

Yeah. Okay. Perfect. And what is on this very special woman Haiti episode of Kill Tony, what is your exact ethnicity you said? I'm from Pakistan. Right. There it is.

That's their national anthem too. You would think they have different sound effects for each one, but really. Yeah, that's their national anthem. Yeah. I forgot to mention I brought the whole sleeve or so with me. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what's happening. I'm just telling you this.

I'd much rather fucking have you here on Kill Tony all of you than on the same airplane as me. That's all I know. If I saw you guys sitting in first class, I'd be like, you know what? I'm going to take the next flight. I'm just going to go wait for a few hours. I'm going to get out of here. I think I have, oh, I have COVID everybody.

I have COVID. I got to get off the plane. Everybody just start coughing. Yeah. You guys are scary looking. And you rock it though. I mean, you're not even trying to blend in with other people. You're not fucking whitewashed at all.

I mean, you literally look like trouble. Do you have ever have any, what's so, what's Pakistani about you? Like, what do you, what do you think you have or direct from nature? What does it feel like being a Pakistani? If you could describe it to us, people from a perfect country. Love how it's weird to have American pride now. Like, that's like, that became like a bad thing a couple years ago. That is good.

I've never been asked that question before. Are you, you talk with your father a lot? Yeah. What's something you guys have in common that might be different than what you think a typical white guy does? Like you guys are both into a, like a certain type of bean or something? I'm just giving an example. What?

Don't make it weird. Don't make it weird, guys. He's not making it weird. I don't know why you would. Smile, lady. Jesus. Just looking at you. Speaking of bean.

Do you have anything in common with your father? We're both not very good at talking to women. Oh, okay. All right. Your mom and dad's still together? Yes. Yeah. Okay.

Well, we come from a long line of people who had pussy arranged for them. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And how about you? What's your dating life like? Are you on fucking, what are we talking about here?

I had a girlfriend in high school and then since then, nothing. You had a girlfriend in high school and then did you say nothing? What'd you say? And then that was it. I didn't really date after that. So you only dated a girl in high school and it hasn't been since then? Yeah. Wow.

Okay. How old are you? 26. 26. Okay. Absolutely. All right. Do you ever go on dates?

Do you ever talk with women? Not since, like, this year, I kind of started going out. Like, because I started doing comedy more. So I started hanging out at bars and shit. Okay. So let's pretend there's a, that I'm a beautiful girl. And I'm sitting at a bar and I give you a little head nod like this. Look at me.

Look at me. What would you do? Hold on. Okay. Let's start from the beginning. You ready? Let's start. Okay.

Let's do it natural like we're at the bar. You ready? All right. Here we go. We're starting it from the top. Here we go. Oh, you nodded back. Would you like to?

Oh, would I like to go ahead? Sorry. Blow my dynamite? Whoa. Jesus. Wow. Now I see why this isn't working for you. You're going straight for the jokes.

That was a straight... Would it be easier if you imagined he was a goat? Yeah. Yeah. Let's start from the top. Let's take it from the top. Just... I just saw him get hard.

There it is. Okay. Jesus. I'm hungry. That's hungry and horny at the same time. Wow. Why are you so hungry? We like to eat the goats too.

Oh, okay. I see you're still making jokes. All right. You don't really answer any questions honestly at all. Everything's a bit with you. I'm sorry. He could go down on the goat and eat the whole thing if he wanted to. Red Band, that's enough of whatever you think you're saying right now.

That part's definitely over. The fuck was that, dude? I'm trying to do fucking surgery over here and you're throwing us into fucking eating raw goat pussy or something? Anyway, stick with me here. Look at me. You're okay. Everything's fine.

You nervous right now? No. A little shaky. A little high. When's the last time you kissed a girl? High school? Yeah. Is there a girl out there that wants to come up and give this guy a fucking kiss on the lips?

I mean, every once in a while, I mean, every once in a while there's a moment on this show in which justice has to be served. This fucking guy hasn't kissed a girl since high school. He's actually, I swear, I'm not kidding. He's actually a good looking guy, right? Like if this was a romcom, if this was a romcom, he'd have a girl by the end of this. Heck yeah. He'd be like a stud.

And if you kiss him, you will certainly be saving some lives. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. If someone doesn't kiss him when Rogan's club opens, it's going to be this guy with an AK-47 just mowing down the lobby. People, you're getting the girl's panties wet. Wow, man, it's got to be tough being Pakistani. All these American girls are like, not me, dude.

Not me. Wow. Well, I mean, Jesus, to think we were able to get 17 strippers to kiss Hans, but we can't get one girl here to represent America. Come on. Usually we have better audiences than this. I'm sorry, everyone. Normally there's a hero that saves it for us all, but I don't think it's going to happen here with the fucking...

Do you guys all know my mom or something? You're so weird. Sorry. What do you do for work? Door dash. Wow, holy shit. Oh, my God, dude. What the fuck is wrong with you, bro?

Aren't you smart? You're smart. You did really good in school. Am I correct? I mean, I was on track for Stanford until my mom was like, you can go to any university you want. We'll come with you. God. What?

What happened then? I'm sorry. Then I, you know, I just gave up around sophomore year. I just stopped caring. Jesus Christ. I can get nothing from you, my friend. Where did you go to school? I went to Catella High School.

Okay. That's enough. I've had enough. I tried my very best with you. You are one awkward motherfucker. You know that? I mean, just weird as shit. But very funny.

You had really good jokes. Your set was actually really great. Thank you. You have good timing. You have good rhythm. You have a natural style to. You're definitely a comedian. I would say that, like, you know, maybe, you know, sort of, I would commit to uncommitting to only responding in jokes.

I think that if you were a little more honest, you could use that timing and rhythm that you so well executed during your set. I mean, you got to laugh off of saying okay off. And you got to laugh off of saying the words so onward. And that stands out to me. It means that you have, there is something, it's there. Your jokes weren't as good as Red Band said they were at all. But the middle parts, like, things, anyway. Take a big joke book.

Don't kill anybody. We love you. Oh, sure. Thank you. Oh, my God. All right. Magic bucket. Jesus.

Who am I going to pull out next? Oh, no, a snake's coming out. You're so stupid. All right. Jacob Marshall. Here we go. One of the good ones. Here comes Jacob Marshall.

Come on, one more time for Jacob, everybody. In middle school, my parents got divorced. It's a bad time for that to happen. There's no good time for your parents to get divorced. But I feel like middle school is the worst time for that to happen. Because what happened was I was becoming interested in girls at the same time that my dad was re-entering the dating pool. Yeah, that's not fun.

It turns into like a weird competition, you know? Like, I'd be like, hey, dad, I held hands with Kennedy at school today. And he'd be like, oh, really? Well, I fucked Julie last night. Hey, dad, I'm 13. This doesn't seem fair. It feels a lot like when you're a little kid playing basketball in the driveway with your dad, and he just uses that old man strength

to back you to the rim for the easiest shot of all time. Like, god damn, I feel like Julie right now. All right, that's my time, you guys. Thank you so much. Jacob Marshall. Hell yeah. Definitely not Pakistani. Definitely not Iranian.

In fact, you look like the kind of guy that don't even like those kind of people. You know what I'm saying? Welcome to the show, Jacob. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like seven months. Okay, how long have you been the Notre Dame mascot? It's incredible.

23 years. It is incredible. You have a real look to you. You look like, I'm not sure which one, but you look like one of the original Mighty Ducks. That's all I know. Emilio Estevez was your coach long ago. What do you, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Seven months. And what do you do for work? I'm a college student. Oh wow, how old are you? 23. Okay, that's all right. Okay. You've seen a lot in your 23 years, huh?

Yeah. What is it? What have you seen? Just the divorce thing. Okay, you were 12 or 13? Six, seventh grade, so whatever that is. God damn it. Why don't you just say that I'm right, dude?

Yeah, you're right, actually. Just say that I nailed it. Yeah, nailed it. 100 percent. Pretty much what that is, right? Yeah, I think so. God damn fucking right. You don't even remember because it traumatized you so deeply.

Your parents' divorce. You guys all lived together and then you didn't. What caused that? What caused that divorce to happen? Was your father cheating on your dear, dear mother? There's a lot of different answers. My mom will say that my dad was addicted to porn. Well, in that case, I guess we're all getting divorced.

You know what I'm saying? Party! Stupid. Okay. And then my mom or my dad will say that my mom's a crazy bitch, so... Well, I believe your dad. Everybody think everyone in this... I think I'm team dad, for sure, on this one.

And what year was this? Nine, ten years ago. So do you think your dad was addicted to porn? No. Right. Growing up, I realized he's just a normal dude. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. And you guys are close? Yeah. What does he do? He's an advertising sales. And what do you do? I'm a college student. College student.

And you said they just pay for your everything? No, I am in so much debt. So why don't you get a fucking job? Well, I work for the basketball team at my school. Oh my God, are you the water boy? No. Are you like the team uniform manager, something like that? Because it's so we're all going to beat the shit out of you right now.

Head cheerleader. What exactly do you do for the basketball team? I'm the head manager for the team. So it's exactly you hang their jerseys up in the locker before the game? Well, we don't do... At our school, we don't do equipment. We just like help with film and practices and shit like that, but... You make it sound so much cooler than it is.

It's so not. We're the team bitch, 100%. Right. Okay. Well, tell us more about you, Jacob. What do you do for fun? You live in the college life? Yeah, you know, just go out and hang out with friends.

Nothing crazy, you know? Really? Never anything crazy? I mean, I used to live with a couple guys on the team. And I mean, we'd have parties and shit, but... You ever see any like hazing or anything like that? No, not really, honestly. Have you ever shot somebody on Sixth Street yet?

No, I live in Fort Worth. I don't even live here. Okay. You drove here for this? Mm-hmm. Oh, look at you. Isn't that sweet? You live on campus or...?

I live with my mom right now. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You better stay off the Wi-Fi, dude. This bitch gets suspicious quick. You know what I'm saying? God, she always busts in your balls about it, dude. Jacob, I noticed some of the lotion was missing out of the...

Dude, she walked in on me once, and I was, like, trying to play it cool, so, like, I threw the bottle down. I thought you were slapping her ass for a second. I'm like, damn, Jacob! No, so, like, I threw the bottle down, and it got caught between the nightstand and the bed, and she, like, walked in and started asking me a bunch of questions, and she had no idea...

And your heart is a rock, right? Oh, yeah, it was rock. You're not going soft as fast as you thought it would. Turns out somebody wants some of that old mama's milk. You know what I'm saying? Again, you guys made that weird with that noise that you did. It's not even me. Okay, so mom's talking to you.

Your heart is a rock. You're basically about to come at any point. And then what happens? She sits on the bed. Oh, right. No, she literally sat on the edge of the bed. Wow, look at this. Oh, my God.

And then she opens her mouth, and she pushes your hips right into her. Okay. All right. You tell the story or else we're going to keep doing our own. So, what do you think? At what point did she get stuck in the washing machine? No, so she's sitting on the edge of the bed,

and, you know, I'm doing the whole, like, bent leg thing, so she can't see anything under the covers being smart. And then the bottle of lotion falls and hits the ground. Oh, shit. And she looks down and sees it and goes, oh, and then to make me feel better, goes, don't worry, I caught your sister like two months ago. Where's not going to talk about that?

And then it just starts spraying as soon as she says sister. There you are. Some of it's hitting your mother in the face, but she's rolling with it. Because at that point, she doesn't want to make you uncomfortable. So she takes a little load on the face. She gives a fuck, you know what I mean?

She's being cool mom. Oh, my God, my mom's definitely going to see this. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. She's seen worse. Oh, God. God damn it, Jacob. That's incredible.

Wow. Would she be more mad you told the story or that you called her a crazy bitch? She's used to the second part, yeah. Yeah. You ever try to take any girls back to your mom's place? Yeah. Oh, here we go with this part of the interview.

How does that normally go for you? Does mom ever interrupt that? What goes on there? You take her to your bedroom with your little fucking bunk beds or whatever you're dealing with. It's worse than that. My bed frame is broken right now. So I have like a dip in the middle.

My back is fucked. But, uh, no, last time. We had no one asked that question. Last time you took a girl back to your place. Yeah. So she was actually, she's at her boyfriend's most weekends. So I threw your, my mom, my mom. Yeah.

Yeah. So I threw a little Christmas party, got way too fucked up and ended up hooking up with a fat chick at the party. Oh, hell yeah. That's how you, that's how you broke your bed, huh? Yeah. It was around that time, actually. Yeah.

But, uh, yeah, then. How fat are we talking exactly here? Just be honest with us. Like, uh, like Old Adele or what? Talking about, we talking about fucking, what are we talking about here? Like Tabeus Murray or, okay, go ahead. If I'm like 20, 30 pounds, she was like 40, 50 pounds overweight.

40, 50 overweight? Yeah, it was rough. Oh, it was rough. Mr. That's Not Fat over here. Looks at the scale every day. That's not fat. 40 or 50 pounds overweight. I had never heard noises like that in the bedroom.

Right. Right. Well, what kind of noises? Can you do an impression of the noises of this overweight girl who's making? What did it sound like? You know, like armpit farts? Oh, shit.

Oh my God. Yeah. Look at you. The way you giggle at stuff that you say leads me to believe that you have a full dirty hamper of laundry right now. Oh, my room's a disaster. Right.

Did your mom ever tell you to get your shit together? Constantly, yeah. She ever like, Jacob, stop jerking off and do something with your life. All right. Well, I tried with you, Jacob. Anything else crazy we should know about you? Any special skills or talents?

No, I can't think of anything. Neither can we. I know. Jacob, congratulations. You made it on Kill Tony. Here, take one of these with you. Take one of those. All right.

We're getting through this. Some interesting bucket pulls here tonight. For all, E-roll, E-R-O-L. E-roll? E-roll? E-roll. E-roll. E-R-O-L.

One more time for E-roll. All right. Hello. My name is E-roll and I'm a stand-up comedian. Fuckin' it. Feels good. I live in a van. Turns out you take minimalism very seriously, y'all.

You end up in a van. A little homeless. Anyone taking minimalism serious anymore? Is my name crazy? Is this sound weird? I must be. What's up, man? Fuck.

I just can't hear if you hear me. Am I saying minimalism? Anyone? You take that very seriously? Anybody try it? It's fuckin' nice. You end up in a van. And then you drive around the land,

lending a helping hand, and here I am. All right. E-roll, everybody. Hopefully he does not have a gun. Holy shit. You are crazy, dude. I like it. Welcome to the show.

This might be a slightly more interesting interview than we're used to this episode. You are by far the youngest-looking Vietnam veteran I've ever seen in my entire life. It is quite incredible. You're quite. You have the energies of a man that's been in the woods for three years.

He's pulling out a notebook, folks. It is a piece of art, and it is indeed a drawing of me. Woo! From behind. That's not going to save you from me thinking you're weird as fuck. Welcome to the show, Errol. Kind of into it.

I'm kind of into it. It's okay, man. Okay. So let's catch up, Errol. Sure. Welcome. Have you been on the show before? Nope.

Nope. First time. No, just trying. Giving him my shots. Okay. All right. All right. Feel like any moment.

Do you have any weapons on you at all? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. Have you ever committed any serious crimes? Um... Non-Marijuana related. I feel like you have like the egot of marijuana arrests. Dealing, possessing everything.

No, no. I'm not a crime guy. Not a crime guy. I actually only found marijuana the last three years of my life. I pretty straight and narrow before that. Okay. And now I'm just like a little, you know, more forgetful or something. I ran out of gas more.

I don't know, you know. But before that you were still like a free spirit van living type of guy? Uh, no. I was, uh, I worked at University of Oregon before this. What did you do at the University of Oregon? I will be shocked at anything that doesn't rhyme with janitor. He's putting his glasses on for this answer. Here we are.

I was a, uh... You're gonna like it. I was a career counselor. Were you born on the 4th of July? No, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I'm a career counselor. Wow.

I'll let you know what to do. Oh. You betcha. My God. I told most kids they should probably stop going to school for sure. Best bet. Move on. Yeah.

Wow. But they're, you know, kids are fucking survivor. They're trying to do it and I support them. How long did you work at the University of Oregon? Couple years. Wow. Above board. How did you get that job?

Did they... I know. Was the hiring person me madness? Well, there I was selling weed. No, I don't know. No, I had a buddy, uh... You look good to me, buddy. You got the job.

Amazing what happens when you cut your hair. You check all the boxes, my friend. Babadoo, babadoo. Go Ducks. Go Ducks, baby. Woo! Errol, shut the fuck up. My bad.

My bad. My bad. All right. Tell us more about you, dude. So how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Oh, fuck. Uh, still am. Um, no, I started when I was like 20 to 21.

I did it for a year in Portland, Oregon. And then I never did it again. And I went and I taught eighth grade science. And then the OUO, tracking all that shit. Which is kind of like stand-up, if you think about it. I felt like it was very funny. I can't believe that one guy was on heroin and you're not. This is so weird.

I've just pulled that life, bro. There's like weird shit going on in this show. No. Oh, there he is. University of Oregon, faculty hierarchy madness. A professor. There he is. Yeah.

Yeah. We got him on a couple committees. Yeah. All right. Errol. Yes. Okay. I'm sorry.

Very good. So what are we talking about here? What's going on with yourself? I don't think. Oh, yes. You're doing stand-up comedy. You're living in a van. How long has the van been a thing?

Oh, I bought the 99 Astro about two years ago. 700 bucks. Great van. 30,000 bucks. He answered. I believe the question I asked was two years ago. I've been kind of traveling around the van mostly for last month. I mean, I do have like, you know, places to be.

I'm not in it all the time. Where do you have to be? Where exactly? Is this your parole officer telling you that you have places to be? Weird voices. You're like, go that way. I'm like, I got to go. Do you hear voices sometimes?

Don't tell. Don't tell. Really? Oh, yeah. Stop talking. You don't get the fuck real. You don't hear voices. What do your voices sound like?

Can you do an impression of your voices? Yeah. Don't talk. Red van. Stop it. You're so stupid. You do an impression of the voices in your head. Right?

So I get in the evenings and that is like, time to brush your teeth, man. Wow. That's so interesting. So the voices tell you to do good things now in this part of your life. Did they ever tell you to do bad things? Like, hey, hey, kick that dog in the ribs. No, no. Most of them are like, don't do it.

You're like, buddy, just ate my feet or whatever. But no, I don't. I try not to. Man. Who wants to kick dog? Weird episode of the show. You guys are wondering, maybe it's just me. Maybe I just think this is a weird episode.

Like, what are the odds that everybody has fucking felony vibes? I'm wondering the same thing. I'm truly thinking. A son. Out of all the brown guys, he's the guy who feels like he builds bombs the most. Yeah, absolutely. That's good. He lives in a cabin off the grid somewhere.

No doubt about it. You ever make any explosive devices of any kind? No, I'm not. You know, I'm not into that. Maybe later in life. One time, one time I killed a bird with a blow dart gun and I felt fucking terrible. With a blow dart gun? Yeah.

In the county fair, I got a blow dart gun, the long one, you know. Jesus, who kills an innocent, beautiful bird like that? I didn't mean to. Fuck. It's like across the room. It shouldn't work. Oh my God. Yeah.

Errol, any love life in that van of yours? What are you doing? You seem like the kind of guy that jerks off to a literal, oh, you just answer questions. Whenever you want. Okay, go ahead. All right. My bad. Fuck, I got so excited again.

I know. When you killed the bird, did you keep it and like, like, like do you still have it in your van? No, I killed the bird. We moved on from that part. Doesn't matter. Love life in the van. Tell us about it.

Oh, in the van. Well, I just, I have a dog with me. Oh shit. He's here right now. Bum, bum, bum. That's crazy. So she's gonna snag that into it, you know, like sharing the space and stuff. It's small.

The dogs are not into living in the van. You're fine with it. The dog's like, let's get the fuck out of here. It's better for me. Women are not good for me. Get a job, dude. Yeah, no, it's not good. It's better.

My God. Is it a big dog you have in the van or a little? Small, very small. I brought, I tried to bring her with me, but then they said you can't bring dogs in. Right. That is correct. That is correct. Yeah, I didn't know.

A lot of places are in the dog. So. All right. Wow. D madness hates your guts, dude. I do too. I'm with you. I don't know.

It's not even, you know. Anything else about you that we should know? Any special skills or talents or anything like that? I'm really into ping pong. I love to play some ping pong with anyone around here. Oh, shit. I could tell you're genuinely good just by the way you fucking started looking people right in their eyes up there.

So if any motherfuckers know anything about ping pong or the guy, if anybody wants to play, just the time and the place. I can attest to that. I have played ping pong with Errol and he destroyed me. I'm pretty sure ping pong's still mad at me for what I said about him a few months ago. So. Stupid. Errol.

Thank you so much for your time. Thank you so much for everything. There he goes. Errol. Errol. Errol. Errol. Take one of those.

There you go. Wow. Good. Hell yeah. He caught it. University of Oregon right there. They know how to fucking catch the pig skin. All right.

LSH. LSH is next. Here. Live. Very clearly anything can happen here. This is the most improvised comedy show that perhaps. Oh, we know LS is the return of LSH everybody. Woo.

By the trip. Okay. I can't stand my brother. I can't stand his ass. We can do the exact same shit. And it's a different result every single time. He puts on a bandana. He's two-part.

I put on a bandana. I'm Tracy Morgan from the longest yard. He's taking shirt off. All the girls go, oh my God, big sexy. I take my shirt off. You know what the girls call me? Big titties. Have my ass shopping at a Victoria's Secret.

The girls he get man. Beautiful women. Beautiful. There's something about the movies, man. The girls, I get you. There's something about the movies too. You have plenty of the fucking apes. That motherfucker loves talking about,

bro, when we gonna double date, man? Like, you know damn well I don't want to double date. His girl come in strutting. You know how my girl come in on her fucking knuckles? Ugh, ugh. Like, bitch, look. Here's a banana. Get in the fucking car.

Ugh. I'm like, yes, I got the condoms. We'll make love later. Get in the car. After y'all feeling good, give me a hug, yeah. R.I.P. Betty White. Shout out to the dude from Australia. Ed, I love you, mate.

Hell yeah. Ellis motherfucking age. Doin' it again. We've seen him once before. Absolutely destroyed as said in his interview last time. And I think we're going down the same goddamn road again, Ellis H. Look at you.

You're a cold-blooded fucking killer. I miss being up here, man. I miss y'all. Hell yeah. Welcome back. Indeed. How's it been going? How were your holidays?

Shit. I'm trying to catch my breath right now. Fuck. Yeah. It was good, man. It was good. Had a good new year. Had a pregnancy scare.

Oh, shit. It was crazy. I didn't know that Plan B don't work on heavy set women. Wow. You gotta do it, too. I didn't know that either. You gotta take two. Yeah.

You gotta go with Plan C on that one. I'm about to say, if you think with two Cs, you need two Plan Bs. Big bitch. Or perhaps even Plan B, where you put it in a dessert. A custard treat, Plan B. I've been waiting 15 years to do that joke. There was never an opportunity for a fat girl Plan B,

Plan B joke, and I did it. That was the moment. And I shall never repeat it again. How big of a girl are we talking about? I know you'll give me an honest answer. A sturdy bitch had to be 205. We were fighting, boy. And I loved it.

I love me a big woman. Before I could get out the words honest answer, he had already called her a sturdy bitch. Man. Absolutely. Are we talking about like short and stocky? What are we talking about here? Just short, but just just tits great ass,

great big old belly. I loved it. Oh, shit. Lord, I'm having flashbacks. Call me. Call me. Oh my goodness. Hell yeah.

Man, she's like a big old beanbag, bro. Just so warm. That bitch has so much heat. You can put an uncooked chicken between her legs and that motherfucker can come out fully seasoned. Jesus Christ. Are you serious? That girl has so much heat.

She's got that fucking rotisserie pussy, dude? Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Black girl, right? Yep. Bacon.

Yep. Yep. I know. There's no white girl that could cook a chicken in her pussy, dude. I've met a lot of white women. None of them have those kinds of powers. At best they could slightly warm up a thawed hot dog, but to cook a full chicken.

I mean, this is absolutely incredible. It's like when they have the blowtorch over sushi or something. Absolutely incredible. So you took her back to your place. This all goes down. How long does sex with a man like LSH last? You seem like the kind of guy that could light a couple... Dude, I don't be nothing, dude.

What? Like, I just be going, bro. You just keep going. I'll beat off one time and then that's it. I'm setting for the whole night. Hold on. Wait. Ella, sometimes you're so good at this

that sometimes I have to slow it down with you. So you said sometimes you get it and then you got it all night. Repeat. What did you just say? Like, I'll beat off and I'll nut. I'll nut. I'll nut again.

While she's there? Oh, no. This is the prep. This is the pregame. Right. Right. The prep, as Ellis calls it. You know, you're beating off.

You're flowering the chicken for later. Oh, shit, shit, man, yeah. And then what? Then she's on her way over. Is that when you do that or do you do it earlier? I do it about two hours. Two hours. Very good.

Fucking 375. I love it. Two hours. Then what? She comes over to your place? I come over to her place. Okay. You go over to her place?

What's her place like? It's nice. It's a nice one bedroom. One bedroom, extra large kitchen? Yeah. All right. I love that. Bitch had goodies, fruit snacks,

Scooby Doo snacks. Oh, shit. Capri Sons. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That's a fun lady. You don't want to be stuck with a girl that just has bottles of aquafina in her fridge.

Or top of Chico. Fuck all that, dude. Top of Chico. Yes. That is exactly how that's pronounced. Don't ever change it. Okay. So you're at her place now and how fast,

how soon until things really get started? How long until you make your move? Well, we were watching you got served and shit. And then I was like, damn, that mark is Houston. And she goes, yeah, he can really dance. And then we breathe in, breathe out. And then we just start fucking.

I don't know. Wow. All right. That's not really a measurement of time at all. But make sense to me. And then you just keep going after that. Yeah. At any point does she say like that she's having an orgasm

or anything like that? Who cares? No. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing.

This is why honesty, when you hear that shit about honesty, being the funniest thing and timing, that's exactly, that's exactly what we're talking about. We all thought it for a second. Nobody in their right mind would say it out loud. But you did, Alice. All the bitches like, oh, fuck him. I was thinking about it.

But no, he's good. Damn. Oh, shit. Damn. You look like my second grade teacher too. Damn. Exactly. Fuck out of here.

Right. Right. She doesn't seem like one of the big booty bitches that you like. You know what I mean? She's just over here talking shit with her small little tuchus. You know what I mean? Well, let's keep our eyes on the prize here, because you're a fucking machine.

So you go, what's it like at the end? Like you end up doing like a walk of shame out of there? Do you spend the night? You have breakfast together? I spend the night and she had a full spread. Full spread breakfast for you? Oh, yeah. Fresh toast, scrambled eggs, bacon.

Oh, my goodness. I've seen this before. I have a lot of friends, and a lot of those friends have big, beautiful, bodacious black women. And I'm telling you, they all cook massive breakfast. It is incredible. It's never like less than seven things on like a platter. There's entry.

There's a little bit of oatmeal. There's some fruit. There's eight. I don't know. I don't live that kind of life. The bacon's candied. Yes. Yes.

There's a lot of, there's a full rotisserie chicken there. You're like, well, chicken for breakfast? Wasn't expecting it, but I'll have some. I'll dip this chicken right into these eggs. All right. Oh, man. Would you guys do it again after breakfast? No, I had to go drive Uber.

Uber, yeah. Absolutely. You drive UberX or Uber Blackest? I just drive the regular old Uber, bro. Hell yeah. So you go from one Excel to the other. I love it. Yeah.

You know what, man? I would love to have you back on The Secret Show Thursday if you can. Man, fuck, yeah. That's how you start 2022. You doing your shit. Hey, this the year we do all our shit, y'all. I don't give a fuck. I'm talking my shit.

If you doing something, you better be the best at it. If you working at McDonald's, you better flip that bitch. I don't give a fuck. If somebody asking for a goddamn McFlurry or some shit, you getting your headset and you say firmly, I'm sorry, our machine is broken. Wow, Tony. I'm sorry.

Shit. This our year, y'all. I don't give a fuck. Shit, I can't even. I ain't playing. I might be the new regular. No, I'm just kidding. Let me talk about it.

He's a Tony like, calm the fuck down. It's fucking energy like that? You can be. You kill, you take it, then that's where you end up. You know what I mean? I could tell you jerked off two hours before coming here tonight. You prepped for this. You know how to make the most out of a big moment,

if you know what I mean? Well, Alice, you know, I just got to tell you, normally every single week we have a regular on this show. He is indeed our, I can say this in 2022, our token black regular, David Lucas. But oftentimes he's got babies all around the country and shit. He's morbidly obese. And sometimes he can't make it to this local show.

Would you be willing to do a new minute every time David's not here? We'll have a new. Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes, ma'am. Well, in that case, we're going to see a brand new minute from LSH. I do believe next week.

How about that? There he goes. Alice H, everyone. He has arrived his second time ever on the show. Both times, unbelievable. I could talk with that guy about fucking anything. Have we had a single female up here tonight? Wow.

Should we pull until we get one? All right. Let's see what happens here. Not Brody, not Andre, not Tyler. Okay. Now that's Will. Irma Ruiz. Is that a boy or a girl?

Irma? I R M A. Okay. Here she comes. This is it. Irma Ruiz. Oh, shit. Holy shit.

Here we go, people. Come on, make some noise for Irma. Hey, guys. How y'all doing tonight? Awesome. Awesome. My name is Irma Ruiz. Actually, it's Irma Linda Cardenas Ruiz.

My parents gave me the most Mexican name in the world. Then those fuckers didn't even teach me Spanish. I don't know why they would do something like that. But you guys, y'all, just call me Irma. Call me Irma. Just whatever you do, do not call me Irma Sperma. Like the kids used to do in fifth grade. It sucks being bullied, you know.

Irma Sperma. Irma Sperma. Kids should not be calling their teacher Irma Sperma. It's rude. It's inappropriate, you know. It's hard being a good teacher and a good alcoholic at the same time, you know. Every morning, wake up. Irma, you need to quit drinking or you're going to lose your job, you know.

Now I'm doing comedy for you fuckers tonight. Alcohol always wins. Alcohol always wins. 15 years down the drain just because I took some vodka to a faculty meeting. There you go. Over a minute for Irma Ruiz. Welcome to the show, Irma. How are you?

Hold on to that microphone. Hold on. You're not going anywhere. We talked to you. I know this is your first time on the show since you got out of prison. So you might not know what you're in for here. How are you, Irma? I'm doing fine.

Thank you so much. How long have you been on stand up? I've been doing this six years. Six years. Fuck yeah. That's so cool. I love it. What made you want to get started?

Well, I was a teacher. I quit teaching not because of alcoholism, but I have an eye disorder called retinitis pigmentosa and I just couldn't see what the kids were doing anymore. Really? Yeah. Holy shit. It got me in trouble. Wow.

I heard there's a guy here. The de-madness is truly laughing at your eye disorder right now. He's cracking up. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he almost fell out of his stool laughing. Like, oh, bitch, you think you're blind? She's blind. Wow. How bad is that disorder?

It's kind of, actually, my friend Burdo was supposed to walk me up here, but he fucking left me hanging. Wow. He was on here a few weeks ago, actually, cousin Burdo. Can you see us right now? Straight as gay guy, remember? How many fingers am I holding up? I can see your fingers because as long as there's light on you, I can see you.

Well, why don't you just tell me how many? Three. Okay. Very good. I saw five, but three were up. Okay. Very good. Are you married?

I am married, yes. 10 years. Okay. That's it. Yes, sir. Let's find out more about the man that's probably inevitably going to murder me. He works in the cartel? Wow.

No, he's in IT. That's why I can do comedy. IT? Yeah. Wow. He's Mexican as well? He is, of course. The rare Mexican IT guy.

Yes. That is... But he works in Mexico City in Brazil, so... Wow. There it is. That's Mexican. There you go. Yep.

That's what the IT guy... But we live here in Helotes, so... Helotes? Elotes, like corn. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I actually know that. In corn Texas.

All right. Well, that makes... That's why your jokes were so corny. I know. Now, I'm kidding, Irma. I'm kidding. What's it really like? I know you talk Irma, Sperma, and this and that, but...

How did you end up with the name Irma? That sounds like a Jewish guy with a gambling problem. That was my mother's name. She was a Mexican lady with a bingo problem. Loteria, to be exact. You have kids, Irma? Yes, I do. I have four.

We're a blended family. They're all over the age of 18. A blended family. What exactly does that mean? A blended family. He has two kids. I have two kids. They live together as like a fucking dormitory at the house.

Okay. Right. Or just a typical Mexican household. Exactly. Call it what you will. That is why we bought a house in a non-HOA community so we can just keep adding rooms to it. It's what we do. If you buy a house in a non...

If you buy a house in a HOA community, you're not a real fucking Mexican solemn scene. Wow. Wow. Wow. You could always dig down. They don't know. When you were a teacher... Like a chapel.

Sorry, sir. Okay. All right. Well, you stepped on that one. Irma. Yes. So what does he do? Did I ask you what he does?

Yeah. The IT in Mexico City. So he's on the road a lot, right? Yes. It's great. And what do you do when he's away? Comedy. Whenever he travels, I try to do my traveling at the same time.

Right. So when he's gone for a week, I try to do my week. Any of these comedians ever hit on you? No. Absolutely not. Actually, I own the comedy house in San Antonio, Texas. So a lot of... They're like my brothers.

Okay. Wow. Yeah. What exactly do you mean by comedy house? It's not a club. It's a house full of comedians. They all live together. Oh, these are the guys that fucking bang you out.

I know. They're like, oh, wow. That's it. No. Ew. There you go. There's my brother. There's my...

Maybe they bang each other. Muchacha y lotte. Hey, you're taking my friend's jokes in. I don't know about that. No, I'm just like, I'm like... I may have just said the words, girly corn on the show. All right.

How about your kids? Are you proud of them? They're over 18. What are they up to? And... How many of the four are in landscaping? Three. Three.

Tell the truth. None of them. Oh, okay. They don't work. They don't have to. Hello. Really? Oh, hell yeah.

They're rich off that Mexican mom comedy money. Yeah. Oh, shit. Look out. They really don't work? I don't work, no. No. They don't work.

Oh, then neither do they. Really? My husband takes care of all six of us. Really? Wow. Yes. Oh, my God. Yes.

He turns those fucking pesos into American dollars and is able to support a family of six. I mean, he works for an American company, but he works in other countries. Yeah, now it makes sense. Wow. Okay. He's in the cart.

All right. Irma, have you ever committed any crimes? Never. What do you do for fun when you're out on your own? I like karaoke. What's your go-to song when you do karaoke? Super bass. What's that?

Nicki Minaj. What is it? Well, you got my hobby to run in a way. Yeah, you sort of have that. I don't even know the original song, but that sounded okay. All right. What else? Karaoke?

Anything else? Come on. Ready? Oh, shit. You're looking at the blind guy asking if he's ready. You can't even make it up, folks. Literally the one she chose to lock eyes with is wearing lips sunglasses right now.

That's why he was saying... You guys were just having a fucking blind off just then. Just like fucking... That was like the not-so-wild West right there. There was an absolute standoff where nothing was going to happen at all. We're going to do a show together. In uno, a dos, a tres. I'm kidding.

All right. Irma, congratulations. Thank you so much. We had fun with you. Irma, this is Irma. Thank you so much. You're a different type of energy. This is a big joke book.

There she goes. Irma Ruiz. Very fun episode. Fun. You guys ready for one last comedian tonight? He's a regular on this show. He's a fucking legend of the game. The longest standing regular of all time.

He is the Big Red Machine. This is the one and only William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. You know him. You love him. You're writing a new minute every week for years. Austin Zones. William Montgomery.

I actually got raped at the comedy house in San Antonio two weeks ago. So beware of that fucking place. I've been reading a bunch of social media posts with people saying their New Year's resolution is to focus on my own personal needs, or my New Year's resolution is to cherish my mental health. Whoa, don't pull a muscle there. Sounds really hard. Some people are going to try to exercise more or spend more time with their family, but your New Year's resolution is to be a little more selfish.

Actually, my New Year's resolution is to stop murdering so many people. Elizabeth Holmes, who y'all better fucking know or this joke isn't going to work. Elizabeth Holmes, the woman who had the fake blood test in company and who dressed in all black to look like Steve Jobs just got convicted of securities fraud. I can hear her now when the jury announced it's verdict. Oh, shit. I mean, oh, shit. Okay, that's all I have.

Luckily, y'all kind of knew who that was. The great William Montgomery. They rock solid Elizabeth Holmes joke for those of you that do know. For those of you that don't know, that is an absolute must watch documentary. It has a weird name. You remember the name of the... I can't remember the name. The founder?

No, not the founder. What's that called? What is it? Yeah, that's the name of the company, but what's the name of the documentary? The inventor. Thank you. Look at that. There's a fucking...

That was Erica. That was Erica. Yeah, we watched it at my parent's house over Christmas with my sweet father, Larry. An absolute must watch documentary. That shit's fucking crazy, huh? Yeah, really crazy. Did you have fun with Larry in Tennessee? I did.

We finished a thousand piece puzzle and a 500 piece puzzle. Wow. Wow. It was dazzling. Yeah, it was exciting. Did you take your unlicensed gun with you? Yeah, it was down there. I kept it in the trunk the whole fucking time, but I swear to God, I wanted to start fucking

shooting people. Just driving around, putting gas in my car, just seeing fucking people standing on the side of the road, just thinking, man, I wish I could fucking shoot that guy right now. Wow. It's really turning into a problem. I'm not fucking kidding. I really just fantasize about shooting those people on the side of the road. I can't fucking stop.

Yeah, this isn't a joke. I'll invite you to some meetings. Do what? I'll invite you to some meetings. Go to some meetings? No, he's saying that you can join the Taliban. Would you all accept me? Yeah, that would be cool.

Tell us more about some of the wholesome things that you did while back with your family. This is hilarious. You guys really did those puzzles, I could tell, because no one would make that up. Yeah, I really did the puzzles. The thousand piece was significantly harder than the 500 piece. What was the thousand piece of puzzle of? Just like Christmas scenes, it was significantly more difficult than that 500 piece. I had no idea it would be that much more difficult.

Yeah. But yeah, just the designs. It had 500 more fucking pieces. It was so hard. Would you say it's like two, three times more harder? I'd say probably two times. And also Red Band, I want to kind of bury the hatchet. Here, shake my hand.

Oh, wow. He's burying the hatchet. I fucking buzzered him. I buzzered your dumb ass. You really thought I was trying to bury the fucking hatchet? And the comedy gods are with us. He literally broke the chair when he flinched. He got Red Band.

He got Red Band to flinch his hips so hard that he broke the chair sideways off of its own tracks. That scared the fuck out of me, dude. I've been planning this fucking thing for the past three weeks, you bitch. And I fucking got you. I knew I was going to get you. Oh my God, I'm going to fucking pass out. That's so funny. And that's like a classic hand buzzer.

That's the one that you get for like a dollar. And you took all the bait. You put your fucking palm right into it. Like you're signing a fucking Spotify deal. Just put it there. Jesus Christ. Oh my God, you fucking did it, dude. Holy shit.

Now, William, I sort of have a surprise for you. I didn't even warn you about this, but when you were home visiting your family, you know, hanging out with everyone, I was out on the streets here. I stayed home in my home of beautiful Austin, Texas for the holidays. And I had some fun. I was out and about and I ran into someone who strangely wasn't at your family gathering, but I met a long lost who he claims and I believe him to be a brother of yours. Oh, yes.

Oh my gosh. Here he is. Trey Montgomery, everybody. Trey. Hey, William. It's me, your brother. I'm actually your son. Oh, wow.

Look at this. You have a son, William. My name is not Trey. It's James. He left me in a fucking bathroom and an ex on. You're not James. You're James. Are you showing up now?

I miss you. Let's give him his own microphone, William. You're not really good at the old man on the street style. Tony. Yeah, go ahead. Hey, can you imagine how disappointed and autistic slave wise when he found out there was no trains at the Underground Railroad? All right.

Don't do your own jokes. We didn't talk about this. Give him that microphone back. You take this one. Take that. Don't stretch it out too far. Dad, I have missed you. Face the audience, you son of a bitch.

This is my father. I've missed you too. This is failing. Let's give it up for DJ Augustine, y'all. This is failing miserably. DJ Augustine. Yeah, he played for Texas and he was... I'm sorry.

I told you to say DJ Augustine. You told me to say that. It obviously didn't work out. Okay, I'm sorry, Jim. It's not okay. Okay, I'm sorry. William, do you remember leaving your son in an ex on bathroom at some point? It was on North Danny Thomas Way in Memphis and I've had a fucking nightmare getting here.

I had to fly. How long did it take you to get here? It took me three hours and 47 minutes. There was a layover in Houston. God, I hate that. Wow. There was a nice woman that brought me here, but I'm 99% sure she's going to ditch me for a fucking t-ball, coach.

Right. That really happened. That actually happened to me. James, let's see how far the apple falls from the tree here. Do you have any illegal weapons? I have a fucking meat cleaver. You do? What do you do?

I've just been fucking walking around, waiting to fucking use it here in Austin, Texas. Good. It's been a nightmare. They've been asking me for money. We need to hit the streets after those. We're going to. You can fucking hit some people with the cleaver. I can bring my gun out.

Yeah, what kind of gun you got? A six hour. Father and son reunited here. Why don't you shake your father's hand? I know, right? I love you. It hurts more than you think it would. I love you too.

It's so nice to see you. All right. This is a wild fucking episode. Proof that we are indeed a live podcast. How about one more time for Janice Montgomery, AKA Trey Campbell, everybody? Thank you, Trey. Thank you. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery?

Yeah. Kill Tony brought to you by the yellow rose and the red rose and screwball being about a whiskey. How about one more time for my guest? His first time on the show, Asan Ahmad. Hell yeah. Great job, my friend. What do you want to plug?

Give yourself some. How do they find you? You can find me on Instagram at asanjahmad. That's E-H-S-A-N-J-A-H-M-A-D. And I got a podcast called The Dangerous Brown Podcast. Check it out. Dangerous Brown Podcast. So check that out.

That's a drawing from Ryan Jeebel. He got you in there, right? Smack dab in the middle. All those prints are available at ryanjeebel.com, including the new Volume 3 Kill Tony, the artwork book, which is absolutely fucking unbelievable. I swear, if you're a real fan of the show and you buy one of those, you'll have something really cool to put on your coffee table. Yeah, because I was during COVID and our move from LA to Austin.

And a lot of the tour road posters and a lot of the developmental crazy episodes that we did to get over the beginning of the pandemic. Anyway, ryanjeebel.com for that. Guys, how about one more time for the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball. You know better whiskey. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums. D-Madness on the bass guitar. Matt Mueling on guitar.

And the great Paul Deemer on the horn, everybody. We did it again. That's another fun episode. More wild times ahead. Thanks guys. Sold out for months. We love being here. Happy one year anniversary to us being here in Austin.

Love you guys. Good night everybody. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.