KILL TONY - #542 - DANNY BROWN + JPEGMAFIA

Episode Date: January 29, 2022

Danny Brown, JPEGMAFIA, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, Ellis Aych, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/17/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Jesus, you doing a slow intro. I got D-Madness up here whoop whoop and continuously doing a 15-minute version of the song Color Blind.

Jesus fucking Christ. Are you guys ready to have a great fucking night tonight or what? We are live in Austin, Texas for the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, the two best goddamn strip clubs in the world. And how about a hand for the band, everybody? That is the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony band. No doubt about it. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Mueling on guitar.

And one of my favorite humans in the world, the great D-Madness on the bass, everybody. Blue North or Hard Seltzer, also a great sponsor here. I mentioned Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey and CM Smokehouse. Bolden Acre is one of the best barbecue places in the city. We are excited to be here. We've been having a lot of fun lately and I am pumped. But before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The 2022 tour starts now. I'm doing stand-up comedy by myself in Las Vegas, Nevada at the end of January, Buffalo, February 4th and 5th.

Holland, Michigan, the 25th of February. Grand Rapids, the 26th. Raleigh, North Carolina, March 11th and 12th. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I'm back with you again. It's been a while. April 8th and 9th. Miami, Florida, April 21st to the 23rd. Phoenix, May 5th to the 7th. Salt Lake City, Wise Guys, one of the best clubs in the world, May 20th and 21st. And more dates are being added regularly. Get tickets at TonyHinchCliff.com.

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ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Every single week, I have one or two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. And every once in a while, we have some extra goddamn fun. I can say all ego aside, without a doubt, these are two of the greatest rappers in the world. Our guests tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Danny Brown and J. Pegg Mafia. Oh, shit. We're going to the deep waters tonight. That's right. For any cool kids in the room, you might know what the fuck is happening here.

Danny Brown, veteran of the show. One of the most controversial characters in the history of the show, Danny Brown. Goddamn right. I mean, come on. You never know what version of them you're going to get. And this is our first time having, how about a big welcome for J. Pegg Mafia here at Killtony. Bottle of champagne. It's Martin Luther King Day. Total coincidence. Total coincidence that these are my guests on Martin Luther King Day, but... I see what you're doing.

You know what's up. I didn't know I was a pawn in your chess game right now. That's it. That's called strategic uncancelization right there. That's what I call that. Goddamn. That is a perfect accident. I love it. Welcome to the show. We're going to watch a bunch of stand-up comedians try their hardest.

Maybe it's their first time. Maybe they're local veterans. I pull one of their names out of the bucket. That means they get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time. You all know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And it's loud and annoying and it interrupts their set. So that's how we keep them to a certain strategic time.

And then I interview them after that minute of stand-up comedy and we figure out more about them. Maybe something interesting. You guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh? I don't know. Maybe it's a lot of first timers here. Maybe they're tired. Maybe you guys drove from Beaumont or something to be here tonight.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? Here we go. Before I pull a random stranger out of this bucket, we're going to get one of our regulars up here. He was made a regular here just a few months ago in Austin, Texas and just started headlining his own shows all around the country. Fresh off of another sold out show in Dallas, Texas. This is our very own Hans Kim.

Hey, I went to the library today, but it was closed for Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, which I think is a rude way to celebrate that holiday. They're like, hey, remember this great man? Yeah, no knowledge on his birthday. Hooray! I think it should be like, hey, sorry we're closed, but Hitler was an asshole.

I was walking up the escalator and this guy was just standing there and he was like, dude, why did people walk up escalators? That doesn't make any sense because... but then I didn't hear that rest of the sentence because I was covering so much distance. I left him in the dust. Thank you. Wow, Hans Kim always starting off the show.

He makes it look tremendously easy. Let there be no doubt, that is making it look easy. I love that escalator joke. Thank you, Tony. You are such a little star. Look at you, my little Asian star. Hans, that was great. The MLK joke, great.

Made everybody laugh. How's life going for you? It's been going great. I sold out two shows in Dallas, Texas. Wow, look at that. Yeah! For those of you that don't know, that's a really, really big deal. We watched you hit this new level recently

of headlining your own shows. I told you that if you stopped doing all the shitty open mics every night that you were doing, that I would re-post when your shows are. So fans of Kill Tony see that you're playing somewhere and they buy tickets. Yeah, it's an amazing system. And again, sometimes I forget,

who was it again that changed your life in this way? Mr. Tony Hinchcliffe. All right, thank you. Sometimes I have to make sure, just in case he ever makes a fucking video about me or something, that I have you on the record saying that I changed your life. What do you guys think of Hans? You guys are fans of the Wu Tang Clan, am I correct?

I just think you're trying to make up a ping-dang. Jesus, Danny. I mean, way to really fucking... No, I'm talking shit. I'm really on the nose a little bit. I mean, we all know that I'm definitely flexing on the career that ping-dang could have had. But I mean, that's just...

Fuck ping-dang. No, it's not even fuck ping-dang. He already fucked himself. We don't need to fuck him at all. But you know, Hans is a good guy. He's much, much funnier than... Asians aren't that funny. I was gonna say Margaret Cho, but I'll say ping-dang again, sure.

I was at Dallas Comedy Club and I saw ping-dang. Wait, hold on. Go ahead. Sometimes Danny just says shit. Oh, sorry. It's one of the things that he does. Famously on the show, if you don't believe me, go back and check out the Detroit episode with Danny Brown for those of you who die hard.

That was Adderall in cocaine. It wasn't my fault. You're really spilling the beans here tonight. Very honest. If you watch that shit and if you do that shit, you wouldn't know. I think Hans' autism is rubbing off on you a little bit here. You're just... Or maybe his ass burgers.

Hans does drugs. What drugs have you done recently, Hans? I just did a lot of weed with Danny Brown. Oh. And I don't count. We just smoked backstage. We did cocaine to fucking truck stop. I'm pretty high.

Absolutely. Danny Brown, famous for his weed. Chappelle famously has talked about it before. I know. He's the act like I gave him crack in the motherfucker some shit. It was like, nigga, I just smoked one blunt with you. God damn, we keep talking about this same blunt for five years. It's the most famous blunt I ever smoked in my life. Like, I wish I didn't smoke with him at this point in my life.

Hans, what else is going on? Anything else interesting? I did the good show in Dallas. I did a little kill Tony last Monday. I mean, a big kill Tony last Monday. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not asking you if you did last week's show. I was just gonna say, like, after the show, I got a little H.J. A hand job?

You keep getting hand? How many hand jobs do you get at the show? This is like a normal thing. It's like a reoccurrence at this point, right? Who gave you the hand job last week? A beautiful female comedian. Wow. Look at that. Hell yeah. Fresh hand probably never writes a joke.

So probably a real soft hand. You'll see. I'll pull one out of the bucket later. You'll see what I'm talking about. I'm kidding, ladies. Where was the hand job given? At the house that I'm squatting in. Oh, you're still staying at a friend's house. They have you house sitting for them.

Yeah. And was it in the bedroom? Was it in the kitchen? What kind of hand job was this exactly? It was a after fingering hand job. I think the fingering. Wow. How does this even happen? Yeah. I know. I think people like my jokes sometimes.

Funny. Hans is a smart guy. Do you just pull your dick out and be like jacking it off? I mean, how do you get into a... I got jacked off scenario. I'm trying to understand that. It is true. The hand job is something that Danny Brown never has to deal with. I mean, in middle school?

That's true. And he skipped middle school. That's what happened. He went straight to college after eighth grade and fucking... His sex life stayed there. Well, I did some fingering, Tony. You would be proud. I'm selling out shows and getting hand jobs.

It's fucking incredible. That's Kim Twill working on his master degree. Working on the fundamentals. I got my doctorate of receiving hand jobs. Yes. Lubrication or no lubrication on this hand job? There was no lubrication necessary. Wow. Hold on. Hold on a second.

Why was there no lubrication necessary? Were you in the shower, perhaps, or something? Like, what are you talking about exactly? It was a combination of sweat and semen. Wait. How was... Hold on. Hold on, Mario. Get out of here. How was there already semen on your dick

while you were getting the hand job? The million-dollar question. Am I correct? Am I missing something here? Oh, I know. Is this dick always covered in semen? Is it like a soup dumpling or something like that? I'm just leaky. Wow.

Wow. Wow. I just watched a girl puke in her mouth a little bit just then. Just to let you know, it doesn't happen that often. It gets everywhere. What do you mean, leaky? What's going on over here? I know what you mean.

He's got a lot of pre-com. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you. Thank you, Dr. Redband, for the actual answer to the question during a comedy show. You really knocked that one out of the car. Well, enough for a hand job. That's a gross amount of pre-com.

It really is. I might have a problem. Oh, shit. You might have polemideos, what you might have. That's what it sounds like. There's that much fucking oily substance coming out of the tip of your penis. When's the last time you got checked for STDs? Like three months ago. Oh, yeah. Well, luckily, you can't catch shit from a hand job.

We might be in the clear. You might get a little fucking Sharpie on your wiener or something, but that's about it. I don't know why I said that. That's what I get on my hands. Unless I'm giving you the hand job, you're going to be in the clear. I love it. Hans, another great set. An extremely fun interview.

For some reason, there seems to be nothing funnier than your unlubricated hand jobs. There he goes. Your first comedian of the night, Hans Kim. Thank you. All right. This is the bar right reach into the bucket, and we made a complete stranger together all at once.

Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Bowie. Bowie. B-A-W-I-I-I. You're not going to trap with me. We're going to find out. Bowie. B-A-W-I-I-I. Here he is, everybody.

One more time for Bowie, everybody. What up, y'all? Yeah. I think we don't appreciate how blasé the niggas began nowadays. The fact that I know that word

should tell white people some... So, I got a story to tell y'all. I was going to the corner store one day. That's in the hood, white people, again. It's like a gas station corner store. And there was a guy who was like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, it's a gas station corner store. And there was a dude parked at the pump. And his window, he had a back... His back window was cracked.

Like it was still glass on the back area. And so, I went up to him real slow and I was like, yo, you good? He was like, he was like, yeah, bro, like, pew, pew, you know?

I was like... All right, Bowie. Literally only killing with Danny Brown. Yes! Which means... Red Band get his information for Thursdays, man. Pull it up, man. I'm telling you, man.

I love it. Bowie, how long you been doing stand-up? About a week now. Okay. What made you start last? How about a hand for him? He's been doing it a week. Had the courage to sign up here.

Never would have guessed that he'd... A week later, he'd be bombing in front of two of his favorite rappers in the world. I'm fucking with... He ain't bomb. I'm fucking with Bowie. I got it.

Y'all niggas didn't. Why you dressed like a school bus? Me? Oh, are you trying this right now? Yeah, right now. Is that what's happening? Are you really after all that? See, I'm trying to help you.

I'm trying to help you, but... After all that, you're trying this? Yes, sir. I'm talking to fucking Erica Baddie with a beard right now. You're fucking... He's fucking... Natural Brits.

Gay Woody from Toy Story. Wait, what? I didn't hear what you said. I said, girls, you do look like Gay Woody from Toy Story. You can't... You can't... Yeah, okay.

I got you. Yes, very good. I'm not even going to acknowledge that. That's a joke that we make all the time. Are you a fan of comedy? Yeah, I am. Yeah. Okay.

So what made you start a week ago? I came here on a vacation. I was always a fan. I knew the show was in town, so I just dropped my name. Right. And then I didn't get on, so I did a Shakespeare's down the street,

and I loved it. Right. Absolutely. So you started Shakespeare. Was that on a Monday? Yeah. So you saw Kill Tony, didn't get pulled,

went to Shakespeare's, and that was a week ago. And here you are this week. Pulled first out of the bucket. Yeah. Pretty much. Absolutely incredible. Perfect.

How old are you? 24. 24. What do you do for work? I mix and master most of the time, but I do real estate. Mix and match most of the time? Mix and master, that guy.

Mix and master? That's rap music. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's audio. I do the same thing. You ever killed anybody? Yeah. I just been waiting to ask you that shit.

Oh, hell yeah. Why are you trying to get me to snitch on stage, bro? I'm not trying to get you to snitch on stage. I just want to know. I just want to validate my own thoughts, basically.

Okay. People that sit around and mix and master are cycles. Yeah. Yeah, no. I'm a maniac. I definitely mix and master, so I understand.

It's difficult. It's difficult. Fuck you. Absolutely. How long have you been mixing and mastering for? Since I was about 14. Wow.

You ever do anything that we could that made an impact or anything? I did a remix of See You Again by Wiz Khalifa now. You should, okay. I mean, this has to be so surreal for you right now, right? It's just a little bit.

Danny Brown's laughing at you. You don't give a fuck about Danny Brown. He just said he has some shit with Wiz Khalifa, man. This is two different worlds. No, I didn't work with him. I remixed one of his tracks.

It wasn't viral. You just remixed it yourself. Yeah, it was viral, usually. Independent of Wiz Khalifa. It had Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth. White people know how to say his name. Okay. What's more viral?

Your thing with Wiz Khalifa or Hans Kim's penis? Hans Kim's penis, definitely. Anyway. Bowie, so you're mixing and mastering. Is that really how you make money, though? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. It's really a profitable business. It is. It's really not. Right. I don't even know why you said that shit. Yeah, I know. Sometimes he just says things.

It's all good. Bowie, so you make your money with that. You have a girlfriend? I got a wife, yeah. Okay. How long have you been married? We've been together eight years. Eight years?

And you're 24? Yeah, you married at 24? No, no, no. Yeah, I'm married now. How did that happen? You did? You got married at 24? You married at 16?

Yeah, we met. She's from the Caribbean. I met my bitch at 16. I wasn't married. That's crazy. Yeah, we met in the Caribbean. Have you ever had sex with anybody else? No.

Goddamn. That was my next question. Have you had sex with anybody else? You've only had sex with her? With the one pussy, yeah. Wow. This is amazing. Damn.

Wow. I didn't even meet her like that, bro. Damn. I'd be it. This is one of the saddest lesbian relationships I've ever heard of in my entire life. Eight years, nothing else. And she's never been with anybody else either, right, Bowie? So far as I know.

Fuck, what? You sure about that? Yeah. Bowie, tell us, you were originally from Texas, born and raised? Nope. Where are you from? St. Martin. What?

St. Martin. It's an island in the Caribbean. Okay. Oh, like Tim Duncan. Is that where Tim Duncan's from? I don't fucking know. Nope, definitely not. This is a bad trivia with Danny Brown.

No, he's from the Virgin Islands. I mean, that's where Duncan do not start it. No, I got it confused. No, when I hear shit like that, that's all I think about is Tim Duncan. Tim Duncan was from the Virgin Islands. Google it. No, Tim Duncan's from Trinidad and Tobago or something like that. It's the same shit.

Trust me, it is all the exact same thing. I'm kind of mad at it. Oh, we said enough African countries to ignite the sound effects, everybody. All right. This is on Martin Luther King Day. This is like a solar eclipse of some kind that I'm seeing right now. This is just incredible. This looks like my worst nightmare at the middle of the night, walking home.

Am I right, people? All right. All right. It's a long walk to Rainey Street from here. Look out. I'm kidding. Bobby, what's something crazy about your childhood? How'd you get to America?

What the fuck happened here? Boat. All right. Was it really? No. Okay. My dad left me when I was a baby. Sad story.

And then he brought me here again only to leave me again. Wow. Damn. That is incredible tale. He brought you here and abandoned you here. That's incredible. That's a whole different level of black fathering that I've never heard of before. That's a super, yeah.

It's one thing to have a kid here and then leave him and go somewhere else, but to bring a kid from another country. And then leave him again. He dropped you off at like the fire department or something? Pretty much. No, no, no, no. He didn't do that. No.

You had like an entourage. He can't climb a ladder, so. Okay. Yeah. He's kind of heavy, said. All right, Bobby. I love it. Mixing, mastering.

You're 24. You've been married for eight years. I mean, is it hard out there? So you're in love with this girl? What makes her so special? Yeah, she's cool. What's your favorite thing about her? She just knows where I'm at, where my head's at most of the time.

Okay. That's perfect. Yeah. All right. Make sure she doesn't get punched. Is she here with you right now? No. All right.

There you go. But she lives here in Austin with you now? No. No, where do you guys live now? Milwaukee. Milwaukee. So you're just visiting? Yeah.

Truly, truly one of the worst cities in the United States of America, by the way. I don't know if you guys travel a lot. Truly. I mean, it is just a garbage pile. The airport sucks. The hotels suck. The restaurants suck. They got good cheese curds.

The audience is okay because they can't believe that you came to their town. But literally everything about Milwaukee sucks. The weather sucks. Come on, man. They have the wind of Chicago and none of the fucking pizza. I'm not gonna let you come on out. What about the mall? The mall?

No. Hold on a second. Everybody, we're in chaos. That's racist. I'm not gonna let you do waste constant like that. Me being a motherfucker born and raised in the Midwest, they do have great cheese. And I know you're thinking like, oh, cheese. Oh, cheese.

Like, cheese. Like, no, you can go to like some fire places and they'll whip like some weird cheese out. You'd be like, what is this cheese? Fried curds. And then you'd be like, damn, then you just hit it. Then you eat the cheese. You'd be like, damn, this cheese tastes like a guy steak on it. You know what I'm saying?

It really does. It really does. I recognize more like Green Bay and Madison for that. I'm saying. Yeah. Madison, Wisconsin. Yeah, Madison. Yeah.

Madison, by the way, shockingly, a pretty cool city. They make handmade potato chips. See, you don't see. Yeah, but I do believe Tim Duncan's from there. And you can do like. Bowie, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. Here, take a joke book.

Take one of those. Congratulations. You got a small joke book. Bowie. Look at that. Who knows? One day he could be mixing and mastering. I got the jokes.

He was saying some nigga shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I was thinking it. I wasn't going to say it out loud. I know what you're saying. All right.

Your next comedian goes by the name 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Audrey Scalise. Audrey Scalise. 60 seconds uninterrupted with no laughter into the microphone or anything like it. Audrey Scalise. This fucking guy. How about a hand for Danny Brown and Jay Pegg Mafia joining us in our crazy world here tonight. Here comes Audrey. She came from the upstairs.

This could be a legit audience member. Could be a first timer. Anything can happen. One more time for Audrey, everybody. Come on. So one time I was sexually assaulted by a minor. I'm worried that technically that means I'm a pedophile. The thing about body dysmorphia is you hope that you're the actually hot, but you think you're ugly kind.

Not that you're ugly and you know it kind. I live in the Northeast and I'm in my 20s. All my friends are queer. I'm going to have to come out to them as straight at some point. Like, I know you eat my pussy, but I'm actually attracted to men. I just hope they accept me for who I am and don't treat me any differently. Wow. Audrey Scalise.

Welcome. Hi. Welcome, Audrey. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my first time ever. Wow. First time ever. I had a feeling.

I had a feeling. A lot of the audience members that buy tickets sit on the giant wrap around a balcony. And when I saw that you came down the stairs, I had a feeling that that could be one of these situations. So where are you from? I'm from Western Massachusetts from a town called Lesbianville. All right. All right. Western Massachusetts.

What are we talking about exactly? Are we talking about like a... It's called Northampton, but if you look up Lesbianville online, like it says Northampton. Is that true? Are there that many lesbians there? Yeah, they're all there. Really? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Man, that must be where the last comedian just went off to. Too easy. Audrey, so we're talking about this here. How old are you? 23. 23 years old.

Okay. You said you were sexually assaulted by a minor. That's a joke because that came around. No, it was true. Wait, what happened? I think I was 18 and this guy was 17 and he just started fingering me when I was drunk. Oh, okay. Okay.

That's cool. All right, but it's cool. Okay. Welcome to another episode of But It's Cool. See, I'm setting up. See me? That's the part that CNN will edit out of their clip that they put out tomorrow. People in Texas.

They're breaking news. People in Texas laughing at jokes. So, Audrey, let's talk about it. Stand up something you've always wanted to do? Yeah. My ex-boyfriend showed me this show. He might be watching. Oh, shit.

So, this is one of those revenge sets. We've seen this before, ladies and gentlemen. The boyfriend listens to the show every Monday. The girl says, what's that? They sit down. They watch for a second. They don't really like it, but they know how much he loves it. And so, they form their whole life around trying to make him sad.

I'll be pissed. It is the kill Tony 10-star bitch trick that's like the five-point palm exploding heart technique from Kill Bill, but it's for kill Tony. It's just they come on and have a good 60-second set. You know what would really piss them off is if you blew our two guests up here tonight. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, guys. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. That doesn't happen here. Hand jobs only on this show. It only happened with Hines Kim. It only happened with Hines Kim now, yeah. So, Audrey, how recently did you get out of that relationship? That was years ago. Years ago?

Yeah. Okay, okay, okay. That's kind of crazy. Right. So, years ago, you have a new boyfriend now? Are you single? I do have a new boyfriend. Right.

Okay. Also a straight white male. Yes. Yes, the best guy. Goddamn. Absolutely. Another straight white male. I'm really brave for Massachusetts.

What does he do for work? The boyfriend? Yep. He's a bartender. Okay, what do you do for work? I'm a tattoo artist. Whoa. Yeah.

Out of my home, it's kind of... I don't know about you. I saw your hands shaking with those jokes in your hand. Yeah. Like, in the last thing I'm going to fuck it. I don't know if you guys saw that, but she's like... No, thank you. I will go anywhere.

Okay. No, thank you. I will go anywhere else for my tattoo. I'd rather have Danny Brown on Adderall giving me tattoos than your fucking... You are Michael J. Foxy over there. That shit's fucking... You're shakier than a Miami apartment building. This shit's out of control.

But I get it. Your first time, trust me. I totally understand. How long have you been planning this? My boyfriend planned the trip. Okay. A few months ago, and I was like... Your boyfriend's here with you right now.

He is. Did he sign up? No. No, look at you. He's not that funny. Wow. Damn. Can I talk my shit?

I'm not going to lie. This is like the worst revenge shit to do the motherfucking like. If a nigga like puts you up on Kill Tony, and then now I see my bitch on stage doing jokes about the shit. Yeah. And doing really good. And it's her first time. I'll be hot.

Like this is a real fuck you. And he just found out that she's... The guy's not even funny, which means he must be banging those guts out. You know what I mean? If he doesn't have a personality, he's got to be good in the bedroom. Maybe the guy didn't even put that together, but I did. And now I said it, so now he did. So I don't know...

This is really... You're really nuclear bombing him. I know, that's what I'm saying. I don't know if that was her intent. Did he break your heart? You got it. You did it. You won.

You did it. Did he break your heart at any point? No, I think I broke his heart. Wow, and you just continue to drive the knife in. I mean, this is incredible. It's like the new screen movie or something like that. You're just stabbing this poor guy. Why do you think you're so ruthless with your ex-boyfriend?

Where does this come from? Are you just a normal female? If you only knew what I was... Yeah, go ahead. Well, I've realized recently that I'm definitely a total bitch. You are? Yeah. Okay, what other bitchy things do you do?

Like, in normal life? Like, do you complain at restaurants and stuff? Like... She really wouldn't be like a Karen. I think this is more of like a... Not like that. Like a bad baby type or something like that. I'm just really spiteful.

I, like, literally sat down on the airplane on the way here. Uh-huh. And the seatbelt was too tight. I was like, was the bitch skinnier than me that sat here? Right. Like... Right, yep. I literally had that thought.

Can I ask you a question? Yep. J-Pig Mafia. Have you ever stalked one of your exes on Instagram before? Yeah, have you ever done it on Venmo before? Whoa. This is... She's the truth.

Her first time ever on stage. All right, you got it, you got it, you got it! Her first time ever on stage. She's up here just fucking crushing it. This is incredible, Audrey. Wow. Red Band Thursdays. Sign her up.

A great episode for you. A horrible episode for your ex-boyfriend. I mean, we definitely just lost a listener. There's no quality. He won't be able to continue this after this. Kiltonio, you mean the show that Audrey broke my heart down? He would say that, yeah. Wow.

Horrible. Incredible. Wow. Audrey, congratulations. I mean, your first time ever on stage. You're just visiting here. You handled the interview great. The written jokes went really good,

especially for someone's first time. So congratulations. Go have fun. Enjoy the rest of your trip here in Austin. There she goes. Look out, everybody. She might get mad at you for something. She's walking the long walk back to obscurity.

All right. I pulled another. You guys having fun out there? All right. Good. Make some noise for your next comedian, Chad Jay, everyone. Here we go. Ooh.

Yeah. Man and animal. Come on. One more time for Chad Jay, everybody. How y'all doing? Oh, man. I'm living with a guy for the first time again in like six years. That's weird.

You know what I mean? He's an alcoholic from Arkansas, too. So it's like living with a racist Alexa machine. Who calls me gay for everything that I do. You know, you cross your legs and you hear something in the corner go, gay. He was having a hard time sleeping when he moved in. So I bought him a white power noise machine,

which is fucked up for me because now through the wall in my room, I have to hear anti-Semitic comments all night. It's like, hey, what's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on? So in the wall in my room, I have to hear anti-Semitic comments all night. It's like our house is haunted by a racist ghost. Oh, man. No, he's a great dude, but we have a hard time every once in a while getting along because like the water bill came last week, and it's a tough conversation you have to have with another grown man when you go.

You see here under updated usages, roommates definitely jerking off in your shower. Thanks, guys. Fuck yeah, Chad Jay. All right. Let's talk about it, Chad. This is a ruthless question I'm about to ask you after two first timers performed here.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Just about six months. Six months, everybody. Yeah. D-Madness literally leaving the show. Oh, shit. She's so disappointed in you, Chad. Oh, man.

He's going to get a tattoo from Audrey. I'll ask me then. Literally the only guy that would get a tattoo. He'll never see it. Well, there you go, Chad. That's what the fucking punchline means, you idiot. You fucking dork. Jesus Christ.

No shit. Why else would he be the one that got the tattoo? Wouldn't be funny if Matt went pee. I wouldn't say he's going to get a tattoo from the girl. You fucking fuck. You silly fucking goose. You did a good job hosting CNN's New Year's Eve, by the way. I don't know the gay guy's name,

but you are that gay guy from that show. Andy's something. Yeah, Andy's from Bravo. Which is the only time you'll ever hear that word. Anderson's bottom. I love it. You do. You look like the third Cuomo brother.

I love it. Let's talk about it, though, Chad. You've been doing it six months. You live here in Texas. Yep. You just moved here recently? Yeah. Well, I was living in Brooklyn,

but I went back to California for a little bit, and I was like, fuck this shit. What part of California? Oakland. Okay. Yeah. All right. And now you're here.

How long have you been here? Just about six months. And what do you do for work? I'm a construction worker. Really? You don't seem very confident in that. Man, rest in peace, Bob Saget. That's exactly what I was going to say right then

at that very moment after he said construction worker, I'm like, Bob Saget, totally. Rest in peace, Bob Saget. Without a doubt, why couldn't it have been Chad Jay? I mean, he's right here in front of us. Dressed like the boss of all second base umpires or something like that. Quite incredible.

Chad, so you're here. You've been doing it six months. Do you love stand-up comedy? Yeah, for like forever. I mean, it's always been like something that I followed and really got into. And this last year, it was just like, you know, everybody had the time to like free up

and figure out, you know, what life looked like again. You know, it was fucking crazy. So yeah, this is what I wanted to do. That's the most boring answer you ever could have given, Chad. I mean, it's exhausting talking with you. I can't believe you think you're cut out for show business. Uh, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Chad.

These are all jokes. I roast people. That's all good. Last thing I need is you fucking killing yourself, Chad. So let's talk about it. What do you do for fun? How old are you, Chad? 35.

35. So what are you doing for fun? Man, listen to how we're starting on fucking serious. What the fuck are you talking about? You answer other people's questions. What the fuck? That's my charism, sir. You're trying to save this guy's life right now.

Chad, what do you do for fun? Well, I build cars as a hobby. Build cars. Oh, wow. Hot rods and shit. What was that, man? That's my... I don't build dogs.

Oh yeah, that's me making that noise. What was that? He thought he was just about to get away with that shit, because he always did going off of motherfuckers, man. Hold up, man. What was that shit he just did, man? You can do... You did get me.

I was a... I was actually... It wasn't supposed to be a car. I was like doing like a home improvement. That was disgusting. Like a Tim Allen, like... I build cars. I think that was like some sick sounds.

Like, I told them, man. But I did. I split the difference between Tim Allen and an actual breaking down car. You're right, and you spotted it, and you called me out on it. Anyway, Chad, let's keep it on Chad here. So, for fun, you build cars.

Like, what do you do for, like, fun fun, though? Where can we see you get loose? Like, what do you do? I love... Okay, so this is going to be a bit of a shameless plug, but I love going to latchkey on Tuesdays and doing karaoke. Are you serious?

Really? I don't think I've ever seen you there. I hang out there. Yeah, so... Okay, that was weird. What do you see? What happened? What do you see at karaoke?

Oh, man. I get into the classics. I actually, like, this last week, I did another bit of G-thing, which was pretty fucking dope. Run it! Come on, man! Y'all got it!

Come on, let's do it. You guys got another bit of G-thing. Chad J. Like, I cannot imagine how bad this is about to go. I mean, if this goes good, I will literally get a tattoo from my phone. My phone's locked up. I don't have the lyrics.

But let's do it. I got you. I hold you down on the... Oh, I got you on the background. Come on. I'll back you up. This is a pretty big opportunity for you, Chad. This is literally more...

Let's go, boys. Let's go. Let's go. 35 years. 35 years. Oh, shit. Where about they hear the whitest version of this song ever? Yeah.

Come on, let's go. One, two, three and ten. Oh, Snoop Doggy, Doggy, Dr. Dre is at the door. Ready to make an entrance. So back on up. Because you know I'm about to rip shit up. Give me the microphone first so I can bust like a bubble. Confident and long beats together.

Now you know I'm in trouble. Ain't nothing but a G-thing, baby. Too low down. Going crazy. The death row is the label. That pays, man. Unfatable. So please don't try to fake this.

So back to the election. At hand. Perfection is perfection. So I'm going to let them understand from a true Dre's perspective. Four o'clock in the clip. You have to be contraceptive. Because you know she could be earning a man, learning a man. And at the same time, burning a man.

But I ain't with that shit, Lieutenant. Oh, fuck. I got it. Keep going. Get it up. Get it up. Get it up. Get it up.

Wow. Wow, that is incredible. Ain't nothing like a G-thing, baby. All right. All right. Praise it. That's it. That's it.

Last thing I need is Danny Brown doing a 15-minute version of this song right now. Just said he could burn off some energy. You see how hyped I got? I ain't gonna lie. That was the thing. Oh, look at that. Thank you. I saved your life, man.

You better remember that. That's right. Real talk. Real talk. I'll take that shit. He backed you up good. That's one of the highlights of your life right there. Wrapping.

I gotta be honest with you. I've been a Danny Brown fan for a really fucking long time. That made my fucking night right there. That made my year. There you go. In exchange for me setting you up for that opportunity, do you promise us all you'll never do stand-up comedy again? I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. Fuck that. He can be my hype man now. Oh, shit. You got a full-time job. Sign me up. I'm about to go ahead and get a cousin job. He's about to be my hype man now.

Fuck with me. Fuck y'all. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to keep this thing moving along. That's Chad J. Thank y'all so much. I appreciate it. We're having fun here tonight. We're going to do it.

Thank you. This is a very special moment right here, ladies and gentlemen. You're at a very special episode at a very special time. A couple weeks ago, we saw a comedian for his only his second time ever on the show. And I decided to make this man basically a new backup regular when David Lucas isn't here. This is the new regular. Ladies and gentlemen, this is his first time as a regular on the show.

This is LSH, everybody. The regular debut of LSH. Yeah. Show your parent and this bitch make some noise right now. Woo! Shout out to y'all because I can't do that shit. No. I can't do it.

I'm childish. I'm not playing with a full deck up here. I mean, I sit crisscross applesauce. When I go to H.E.B., I get buddy bucks. And I just learned the difference between artistic and artistic last week. So, um, no. I'm bullshit. You're not about to get in a fight with a motherfucker.

McCoy came up to me. He said, dude, what's wrong? I said, ooh, I'm about to beat this dude ass. He said, him over there? I'm like, yeah. He said, you can't fight that dude. He's artistic. I said, I don't give a fuck how good he can draw.

He can still get his ass beat. Man, if y'all feel good, give me a hell, yeah? Hell, yeah. Hey, shout out to, uh, Marlutha King, Jr. and this bitch, y'all. Shit, man. J-Pink, Danny Brown. Bitch pussy, smile like a penguin. I would have done that when I was in the Navy.

No, man. This motherfucker got me a detention in high school, bro. That's crazy. Y'all make me feel that stuff. That's Danny Brown, man. Come on. LSH, everybody. I do believe that was the end of his set.

Thank you. All right. Welcome back to the show, Ellis. Thank you for having me, man. This is true. You've been a fan of Danny Brown for a while. Dude, I love him, bro. Like, well, my favorite, my absolute favorite

is that one train verse, bro. You fucking, that was going back in. Oh, shit, even the white people know about it. Look at that. Did you guys hear that? Whoa. People only like that verse because I said, a bitch pussy smells like a penguin.

That's crazy. And how the fuck you make that, bro? And people don't even get it. Oh, they say, like, how did Danny Brown come up with you saying a bitch pussy smells like a penguin? But I used to go to, like, you know, when you were in, like, whatever, school and shit, you go on school trips and shit,

they would take it to the Detroit Zoo, and we would go to this thing called Penguin Area. And once you stepped down, we're in Penguin Area, and shit was a lot different and everything else. You know what I'm saying? So when I grew up and I was able to write rap and shit, I came up with it. Your bitch pussy smells like a penguin.

And it was like, how does Danny Brown know what a penguin smells like? But yeah, I went, uh, Detroit Zoo, it had a thing, a exhibit called Penguin Area. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. A lot of people don't know this. Danny was at the Detroit Zoo because he was

in one of the exhibitions there. Oh, where? Part two of what I learned, the fishiest pussy is the goodest pussy, man, that's what I'm saying. Wait a second. Is this a fact that, hold on, did I hear that right? It's not a fact.

The fishiest pussy is the best pussy? No, it's not a fact, but I'm saying, intensively, you want to do crime with it. You want to do crime with it? Yeah. So if you got to meet, like, you meet a bitch and her pussy ain't fishy, then you know she ain't got no felonies.

So if you fuck with a bitch and a pussy little fishy, you like... I mean, I fucks with it. I can leave a couple of piles in her house. We can do some kind of... The pussy is kind of fishy. We're going to do dope together. Wow.

So when you smell a little bit of fishiness, you're like, we might commit a felony. She got felonies. She's been to jail before. Oh, my goodness. Fishy pussy definitely got felonies. Everybody's laughing. I can't make it up.

I can't wait to see the statistics on this. I think we should... I think we should have 20 girls. All right, forget it. And we got to do smell tests? Smell tests, and then you get a print out of their criminal record afterwards, and we get to, like...

Oh, I can see. Every pussy pussy for sure. I do believe this is a six-month probationary period, but no, you're going to hear some shit you don't want to hear, because then you're going to be like, damn, this bitch is in a convalescent house. She's been molested since, like, 12 years old.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Do you smell that? I think I smell a 2018 DUI. You're going to hear some shit you don't want to hear, man. You judging these... And then they're going to say you motherfucking... They're going to say you helping out sex trafficking.

Oh, that head shake is spot-on, JPEG. You are spot-on. Danny Brown is a fucking machine. LSH. So tell us about your life, man. It's been a couple of weeks since we've seen you. What's been going on in normal life? Man, I've been working with Gary Faust.

He's somewhere in the house working with Ben Bankes. You have to tell the people... Nobody knows who the fuck you're talking about, Alice. You'd have to describe what you're doing with those people. Okay, Gary Faust is a podcast of Ben Bankes' comedian, and we've just been making skits and shit, bro. See, the answer to the question is you've been making skits and shit. Yeah.

Okay, perfect. That's very good. Yes, sir. I love it. What else, other than making skits? Like, what have you been doing for fun? Man, roller skating. Roller skating?

Are you serious? I fucking love the rollers. You see Roll Bounce? I fucks with it. Oh, hey, yo, hey. Hey, man, come on. Oh, shit. Oh, man.

Danny high-fived him on it, too. Goddamn. I'm gay because I like to roller skate. What the fuck, bro? Oh, shit. Damn. Damn. Oh, shit.

How long you been roller skating for, Alice? Since I was like 12. So you go to an... All right, all right. Hey, you know what? Play that shit. I don't give a fuck. Shit, I know what's going on here.

He freaky. He even show us a freaky shit. I'm just like, Goddamn. This is the guy that looks like he skates backwards at the all-male part of the... Me? No. Danny Jesus Christ. Danny.

You think I just start roasting you out of nowhere? You defensive little baby. Yes, that's your whole thing. That's what you do. No. No, I wouldn't possibly do that to you. You think I can skate backwards? I think you probably could.

I think if we put roller skates on you, you would figure it out. That's the vibe that I get from you. No, I can't figure it out. I think you would move your legs in the proper way. No, some of those shit I can't skate with. Am I doing it? I think I'm doing it. No, I'm some gangsta shit.

Since you want to bring it up, we used to go on our motherfucking skate rink every motherfucking Saturday called Skate Land back in 1995. And there was some gangbanging shit going on. So I ain't going with a motherfucking skate rink and put a motherfucking skate rink. So I wouldn't have motherfucking to fight niggas. So every time I went to this... All right, all right. Yeah, absolutely.

That's a real... I always like to go, when I think there's too much chaos going on, I like to check in with D-Madness and I just heard him say the words, I don't know what the fuck going on. He knew that's the real shit. That's what the actual podcast list is. I use to check in my motherfucking skates. I kept my shoes on.

D-Madness can't see your charismatic shirt and haircut, Danny. So it's really just going off the board. Pull up at the skate rink, catching fades with niggas on deck. Oh shit, dude. So a lot of your dangerous stuff that you do... No, we're talking about shit. I was like 13, 14 doing that kind of shit. All right.

Okay, just stop there. Who's going to skate rink? Once I was like 16 and like... All right, Danny. That's a totally different podcast. You know Danny actually taught me the phrase, catching fades. He was the first person to teach me that. I got a new slogan for that.

It ain't catching fades no more. It's called getting maxed out. Yeah, you get maxed out. Welcome to another episode of the Urban Dictionary podcast, everybody. Facts on the set. All right, all right. Oh shit. They got the niggas on the set.

Ellis, what's your love life like? You roller skating with girls? What's going on out there? Yeah, with plenty of girls, man. It's dope. It's amazing. I'm just chilling over here with fucking Danny Brown and shit, bro. Life is fucking complete, bro. This is Marluda King's dream right here, bro.

I love it. You look fantastic. You're dressed like Black Bane tonight. I absolutely love it. Hey, bro. I was born in the dark. Hey, look. Hey, Marluda King. Literally.

Hey, I'm born in the dark. Hey. D-Magnus. I'm not... Oh, I'm sorry. I hit one of our season ticket holders in the head with a jokebook. Sorry about that. On the set. On the set.

You can keep it. Hell yeah. Ellis, fun times. Congratulations. Another fun minute. Hey, appreciate you, man. Ellis H. He's coming. He's coming for everybody's job.

We'll see what happens. Back to the bucket we go. We're plowing through it tonight. We're having fun. This fun episode. These guys have to go to their Joe Rogan audition right now. They're up there. They're both here for the same role.

Thank you. Little something for the live audience there. Your next comedian's name is Festum QB. Festum QB. All right. Here he comes, everybody. You guys still having fun out there? What's going on? Are we in this?

Is everything okay? One more time for Festum QB. Hi, doing guys. Good. Well, I have a question for the president of the United States, Joe Biden. How many more shots until we can openly hate Asians again? Guys. What's going on?

Wow. One joke and out. Took off his shirts. Bunch of band-aids. Absolutely incredible. This is like if Burt Kreischer had the cancer that he's going to inevitably get one day for meeting McDonald's and drinking alcohol continuously. Wow.

So that's the bit. Bunch of band-aids. And then you do that and you make fun of America for a second there. Welcome to the show, Festum. Get up to that microphone. What's your story? Have you been on before? Yeah.

Train driver, remember? Wait. How many times? This is second time. Okay. Second time. Absolutely. Where are you from? Kosovo, Albania. Okay. The coast of Albania.

Kosovo. Kosovo. Yeah. Kosovo. Absolutely. I guess you're high because last time you knew where Kosovo was. I know what the... I just don't know what the fuck you're saying, Festum.

I know what the fuck Kosovo is. It's right next to Bosnia. Am I correct? That still remains the same. Bosnia. Herzegovina. Yes. All right.

Yeah. That's about as much as I'll describe at this very moment. Festum, how long have you been in America? 10 years. 10 years. And how'd you get here? What made that happen? How did that...

Was there a Nordic ship that sailed? I just flew here. That's how... All right. I flew here. I flew here. I flew here. You have a very comedic sounding voice.

Bosnians have a natural comedic cadence, I do believe. Albanians. Anyway. Wait, what? Albanians? I'd like to continue that joke, but if it's okay. No, let him rock it. What?

Let him rock his shit. Go ahead. Fuck his shit. Does anybody know what he's saying? I heard what he said, man. Let him rock it. Let him rock it. Okay.

The joke just continues like it took for my father one corona and two shots and he went C-word, Q-word. All right. All right. I like a new word. Word. I think that's for Jews, so... Wow.

This was Danny Brown that gave him permission to do one more joke. Thank you, Danny. Just a reminder that your host of the show, who does it every single week, did not ask him to do that joke. That was Danny Brown. He sure knew I said I'm a failure, though. I mean... Anyway.

Festum. So what do you do in America? I'm a truck driver. You're a truck driver? Yes. Absolutely. I remember now you're a fucking Bosnian truck driver. Albanian.

What? All right. You keep saying Albanian. Is this like a joke? Is this like a wacky fucking European thing? No, I'm Albanian. Why are you saying Bosnian? Isn't that what you said?

No, I didn't say that. No. So you're from Albania? Yes. Right, Nico Bellet. Jesus fucking Christ. I've never hated a white person this much. I swear to God.

Okay. So Festum. Let's talk about it. What's been happening on the roads lately? You're out there driving trucks. You see anything interesting? Not really. Actually, interesting, yes, the nature.

And I'm in love with nature, so I wrote a song about the climate change. Oh, run it! Run it! Come on! Danny, stop telling people what the fuck to do. I will decide if the man that has contributed nothing to the show will get to do his wacky fucking comedy song. I want to hear the song.

All right, let's hear it. Festum, go ahead. Oh, wow, he's actually communicating with the band. A one, a two, a one, two, three. Fucking count Dracula over here. I am from Transylvania, Tony. I don't know why you keep saying Albania. Give me more jabs, Biden.

All right. You ready? You're going to do your fucking wacky song? Here we go. Does someone need to come up here with a fucking accordion? I'm down to do it. No, you can't help him, Danny. Let this guy fucking sink or swim.

Let's see what happens. So it's for climate change. It goes like this. Okay. I take it in my ass. Pills I can swallow. Okay, I'm going to stop you there. That was actually, it was actually much funnier

than I thought it would be. Congratulations. I want to get a rest, man. That's climate change, so. I take it in my ass. Danny's already got it memorized, which is incredible for the state of mind that he's in right now.

I'm going to steal that shit. It's going to be my new single. I love it. Festum, you have a wife or something on my right? Do I remember this? No, no, no. No, no, no. No, nothing.

No, nothing. You say that like you're not interested at all. Not really, because I'm writing some books and I just need time for myself. You're obsessed with comedy then. You're just writing jokes. You're off the sex. Absolutely.

You don't ever get attracted to anybody. You don't ever see a pretty girl and want to talk to her. That's for children, so. That's for children. Let me ask you this. What's for adults? What is adult shit to you?

I don't know, man. Come on, think about it for a second. Going up to a pretty girl is for children. Yes. So what's for adults? Did you hear the lady before, like children, what they do so? Remember?

I bet you're killing an Albania right now. There's Albanians like, no favorite comedian. Oh my God, Festum, do you have merch for sale? I'm interested in buying a Festum t-shirt. I really love how you always change where you're from. You fuck. I take it in the ass.

There he goes, Festum QB. We're going to keep it moving. Did you get a joke book last time you were on Festum? You got a big one last time? No, I gave him a small one. I want a big one. What did you get last time? Huh?

What did you get last time you were on Festum? You gave him a small book. Man, he had to take an ass joke. Give him a big one. All right. Just because Danny Brown says so and I'm a real mark for Danny Brown. I take it in the ass.

You're going to notice there's going to be an uptick in Danny Brown's Spotify from white people driving back to Abilene tonight. A lot of people in this crowd are going to be like, let's listen to that guy's music. I wonder what that's about. All right. Pulled another name out.

Make some noise for Kelly Burger, everyone. Here we go. Kelly Burger. We're having fun here. How many of you guys like it when comedians do good on this show? Yeah. How many of you like it when comedians do bad?

All right. Here he is. Kelly Burger. Yeah, terrible. Hey there, Vulcan. Are you guys ready for some badass comedy? Yeah. Yep.

That's good because I break all the rules. Unfortunately, there are mostly rules of how to hold down a conversation. Yeah. Yeah, you see, guys, I was born with the autism. And let me tell you guys something. Women really love it when you tell them you're autistic because it makes them feel very, very good

about being a prostitute. Yeah. Yeah, that's an original one. Yeah, you guys, I also watch a lot of porn, smooth transition. Guys, by round of applause, who here ever picks up their phone just like goes like, oh, shit, they're still porn on here? Yep.

Happens to me a lot at Perkins. One day I was like checking the water, I was like, god damn, the water's looking pretty good. All in the upper teens. That's where we're going to end it. There you go. Kelly Burger. Welcome to the show, Kelly.

Thank you. This is your first time. I would remember you if someone that looked like they turned into a superhero at night came on to the show before. Real fucking, real vibes you are. You're like the two mythbusters guy made a baby. It would be you.

Welcome to the show, Kelly Burger. Thank you. Very funny, man. You have good timing, beats, execution. It all worked out. How long have you been on stand-up? About eight years. Eight years.

There you go. I could hear it. Only in the first few seconds. I'm like, this guy is a real comedian. Are you really autistic? That's the way I act. Yeah. Do you have, like, what's, is there any cool sides

to your autism? Like, do you have any special skills with that or anything? Like, you good at math or something? I got the same kind of Elon Musk. Okay. So what do you do with it? Make rockets and shit?

What does that mean? Focus on what I'm doing right now. Oh, you apply it all to stand-up comedy. Yep. And it's cost me a lot of sex. Yep. That's true. Now, what do you do for money?

How do you survive? Well, right now I'm in between jobs, so right now I'm just fucking around. What? You just sounded like Festum QB for a second and I lost everything. I just moved into Austin. Okay, from where?

Minneapolis. Wow. All right. Look at that smathering of applause for Minneapolis. Just one other escapee is here. What did you do in Minneapolis? I worked in a warehouse. Okay.

What did you do in the warehouse? I operated a forklift and I hauled out junk mail. You hauled out junk mail with a forklift? Is that what you just said? Play the shit. Pays the bills. Jesus Christ. So Kelly Burger.

That's your real name, Kelly Burger? Yep. I get more veggie burger vibes from you. When's the last time you were with a woman? Right now my relationship with her is the same relationship I have with my car. Yeah? What's that?

You see, he's running big. He's running big. You mean eating me to queue you up for it? Yeah, run it, run it. The parts I know best are the parts that break down. What the fuck? Jesus Christ. Wow.

So when's the last time you were with a woman, Kelly Burger? That's sweet. Since it's been legal. Okay. Kelly, when's the last time you were with a woman? There's an answer to this. It could be months. It could be years.

You could give any ballpark of any type of thing. Have you ever been with a woman? No. Really? Okay. See, you're a virgin. It's okay if you are. We've seen this many times before on this show.

There's no reason to be shy now. You're a guest on a podcast at this point, Kelly. He's lying, man. He's just saying shit to me. You're lying, dude. You're really a virgin for real. He hasn't pushed it before. You never even nothing?

Oh, shit. How old are you? He hasn't pushed it before, man. How old are you? 34. What in the fuck is going on, dude? Kelly. No, I'm dead ass serious.

Let's not even know. No, listen. I'm not a comedian, dude. I'm not. This is shit you are concerned. Listen, the riots aren't going on. What the fuck is going on? Why are you 34 and you've never had any sex, ever?

I'll tell you, because Minneapolis, the riots aren't the only thing that's wrong with Minneapolis. What the fuck? Wow, school sugar energy is galore right now. Let me ask you this, Kelly Berger. Have you ever gone to a strip club with two famous rappers on a Monday night before? Because the yellow rose and the red rose has a table. Definitely the red rose with this crew that we're rolling with tonight. No, yeah, I got it fucked up.

We're not going to the yellow rose to hear fucking pour some sugar on me. I know. Have you ever been to a strip club before, Kelly Berger? Yes. Okay, what did you do there? What I'm doing right now. A bunch of mathematics. A bunch of verbal warfare.

Trying to crack the code of the vagina. Trying to figure out how to manipulate so that I can find myself some of the good old penguin pussy I've heard so much about. I will figure out how to make this one love me. What's your name? Oh, shit. What do you do at the strip club? Judge the DJ? Wipe the pole down.

Kelly, I'm just kidding. I like you. What do you like to do for fun? Let's see. I like to read a lot and walk around and ponder marks this murder motherfucker. This is a serial killer. You have to read a lot, walk around and what was the third thing? Murder motherfucker.

Hold on. Hold on, Daniel. Hold on. Hold on. Kelly might be the only murderer that we've had up here tonight, by the way. The mixer and master, I think was bluffing. I don't think he's ever committed a crime before. No, I could pay that nigga.

He's going to max my shit, nigga. What? How does street shit work? Danny, the microphone's in front of your mouth right now. I know sometimes you lose track of when other people can hear you. Oh, okay. Mixed or a master could hit me up on Instagram. I'm down with, you know what I'm saying?

Like I'll hit you. You know what I'm saying? There you go. I need some shit. I do need some shit. Mixed or a master. All right. Kelly, I love it.

So what else do you do for fun? Like what's a wild thing about you that would surprise us? Reading and walking? That's not really groundbreaking here. All right. Come on, answer it for me. There must be something wild that you're into that you like to do every once in a while. Maybe it's once every couple weeks, every month.

You do this one thing, something. I have a very severe case of autism. It's tight, laser tight focus. Okay. Right now, you're having a moment right now. Do you don't have any guns on you? Do you, Kelly? I do play video game.

Oh, he's pointing to his guns. Oh God, I looked away for a second. The crowd responded and that was my life flashes in front of my eyes. This is a concealed carry state even literally retards. Part two. Why are you yelling that much for me giving my mic up? Like what the fuck? Hold on.

That's not how giving your microphone away works, Danny. You don't take the host mic here. I'll sit that there. Do you play a lot of video games? Some. What's your favorite video game? Pokemon. What's the most autistic thing about you?

Video games is the most boring conversation that one could have on a live podcast. Let's see. I was diagnosed the same day as the Oklahoma City bombing. You were diagnosed with autism the same day that the Oklahoma City bombing happened. Wow. I love it. This is incredible. This is just absolutely, absolutely shocking.

Kelly, I like your style though. You have a beautiful blonde hair. You have the Hitler haircut that only a blonde guy could get away with. If a brunette had that, if a guy with brown hair had that, you'd be like, that guy looks like Hitler. But instead, oh shit, you look like the little German boy that just loved Hitler. All right, Kelly Berger. Well, we're going to give you a big joke book so that you don't shoot the place up next week. We're going to keep it moving here.

Eight years though. Very funny jokes. Come on, people. Make some noise for Kelly Berger. You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time, huh? Should I go to the bucket one more time or should we? Okay. Jesus, people.

I know, it's exhausting listening to autistic people live their dreams. It is exhausting. All right, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Sam Kuiper. Sam Kuiper. One more time for Sam Kuiper, everybody. Oh shit. Hey. Just enjoy yourself.

Happy New Year's to pretty bitches and taco trucks. You know what I'm saying? That's my two favorite things right now. Anybody else like taco trucks or pretty bitches? Hell yeah, you damn right. I decided I'm not doing a New Year's resolution this year. I'm tired of being disappointed. You know, I've been disappointed my whole life.

My dad left for cigarettes 20 years ago and he never came back. It's sad, right? I'm still waiting on those fucking cigarettes, pops. You know what I'm saying? I hate when you ask a kid who their hero is and they're always like, oh, it's my dad. My dad's my hero. It's like, you ever heard of Superman? You fucking idiot.

Why was your dad your fucking hero? I love your power. Divorce and barbecue? It's like... I love this crowd. Hell yeah. I'll give a tip real quick for the men. If you ever have to ask a lady if she came, she did not.

I promise you, she did not come. Your angle of attack, your speed, you fucked it up with the last second. That's what it was. Hey, thank you so much. Appreciate it. I'm Sam Kuiper. Sam Kuiper. It's the first time on the show.

I would remember if you've been here before. This is your first time. First time, absolutely. You have a real fucking man head on your shoulder. You know that? You have the head of a man. What's your story? How old are you?

I'm in Austin about eight months. Came down for the comedy scene. You came down from Seattle, Washington? No, no. I was in California and then the pandemic started. West Coast, super close. That wasn't the place to be, man. Not when the pandemic started.

It was scary. So I got the fuck out of there and then I moved in with my parents. And that wasn't the fucking place to be. Where did your parents live? They were in Dallas. So it was a short move. Gotcha. Now I'm in Austin.

I love it. Yeah, it's so much fun. You've been in here eight months. What's some of your favorite things about the city? Man, you can do anything you want. They got nature. You can go to live music. You can fucking do comedy.

Anything. You can get away from the city. You can go to the city. Yep, great answer. Absolutely. 100%. Let's talk about the experience. It's over.

Black man. How big is your dick? Hey, J-Pig. Ask him the questions everybody wants to know. Fuck all that bullshit. Let's get straight to the motherfucking point. Are you the one who was singing, I take it in the ass.

How big is that? No, that wasn't me. That was the other black guy. That was Danny. How big is it? How big is it? Let's talk. Hold my head.

Come here. Hold my head. That's good, man. That's good. That's good shit. There you go. You know what that means? That's good shit, man.

That's good shit. You did? Oh, God. What did you use? A yardstick? No, no, no. I was at lake seven two or early eight. Okay.

But you got to really flesh it out. Okay. You know what I'm saying? I love it. Everybody has to make it like the maximum potential. But those of you who don't know, they use Danny Brown's dick to measure first downs in football. So the thing you see those guys holding on the sidelines.

I'm still down there. It's a little bit past eight. Eight inches? Yeah. I'm doing something. How many do you think we should measure Danny Brown's erect penis right now, Ivan? Not enough applause for it to happen. And nobody wants you to know 40 year old dick.

All right. I mean, if this mother was 20. If you were like, damn. I've been wondering what smells like a penguin up here all night. It's got that penguin dick. My dick don't smell like no penguin. I was born in the nineties. I'm over to smell like cool water.

Cool water. Only real niggas for the nineties know that. Oh, I remember cool water. My dick smell like cool water. Remember curve. I put so much cool water on his dick. That mother of a shit don't exist. The biggest taste like cool water.

There you go. Pretty sure Danny just admitted that his dick don't work no mo. No. I figured it out. I figured out. I figured out. What's the secret? What's the secret?

Ashwagandha. What is that? One of your. Is that one of your cousins names? You heard Brian cause yelling. He knew that some African shit. Ashwagandha Jenkins. Absolutely.

All you need is two Ashwagandhas. They got some shit called Maka. Uh huh. Drop two of them Maka's. Okay. And if you want to get busy, there's some shit on Amazon called Lone Jack. Oh shit.

Take one of them Lone Jacks. So you got. See a lot of these successful old white Texans here. Not a lot of them. I'm putting them on game. Oh yeah. Okay. Maka old Jack.

So you're taking cool water. Right in a second. I want to learn how to fuck like a rapper. I'm putting you on the set. You're going to take three Ashwagandhas. I took all of those things and it didn't help my dick. But I can't stop talking. It's impossible.

It's African nigga dick shit. This is like three Ashwagandhas, two Maka's, one Lone Jack. And if you really just want to get extra, take one of them dick honeys that they sell at the gas station. Just throw that in your tea or your honey. Do your thing. All right. Okie dokie and we're back everybody.

I love it. So Sam, first of all, my deepest apologies. Put it down. Give it. No, no. Danny breathe. Breathe Danny. You're not in a movie theater right now.

Breathe. Motherfuckers. Danny. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Cause my phone wants to take a step right.

They want to get muscles and shit. You giving them Sam. It's like fuck muscles. We just need dicks. Welcome to you. You giving them Sam. Ok. I don't.

Ok. I don't. Hell yeah. That's right. Ok. We're going to talk now. No. Hold up.

No Danny. We have to talk to Sam. When I moved to Texas, I was 180 some pounds. Ok. What are you now? It sounds about right. Like if I was going to guess your weight, that's probably about what I would guess.

No. I got back down. What is this story going exactly? I got down cause. Hold on. Do we need some Xanies to calm him down? No I'm telling you. I think I heard this in a song once.

I think tonight's the night you joined the Xanies family. I'm telling you based on your weight is how big your dick is. Okie dokie. Let's put the mics down for a second all of us. And let's have a moment of silence for Betty White. I'm just saying. Hold on. Danny.

For the love of God. At 160 my dick is way bigger. Danny shut the fuck up for a second. The fuck is wrong with you. What the fuck man. Ok so Sam Kuiper. Let's talk about it. And what do you do for work?

You've been here eight months? Yeah I do video production and sound design. Ok. I know you did. I am fully aware that you forgot that he was up here. You also forgot that me, Red Band and J. Peg Mafia were up here. You also forgot that there was a live audience in front of you. About 400 ticket buying audience members.

Some of them flew in for this. Some of them drove long drives. But you forgot that too didn't you Danny? I ain't mad at you though. I ain't mad at you. Yes you were just talking about that dick. So Sam Kuiper we're back to you. You're doing video production.

You've been in Austin eight months. Originally from Oakland, California. And here you are. No not Oakland but I'll go with it. Ok. What part of California then? I was in LA. I was in a film school and some other shit.

I'm from Alabama originally. What kind of car do you drive? I drive a Jeep Wrangler. Wait stop. I don't care about the Jeep anymore. You said military background? Yeah. This is what brought me to Cali originally.

Then I got out in 2016. I stayed. What did you say? What branch? Navy. Nice. Aviation. Wow.

So what did you get to do? So we tracked. We were at Tattletales basically. We told on where the missiles were. Boats or people. We were telling on. We would tell the jets and they'd go fuck them up. Oh shit.

That's pretty cool. God damn. I like that. Sometimes people say they were in the military and it turns out they were a fucking medic or something like that. You know what I mean? Boring ass heroes that come up here sometimes. But you.

You're out there fucking sending in the real call, huh? Yeah man. That's cool. Again, you have the head for that. You have the. Headshot. Yeah. From the neck up.

And you could call that shot. Yeah. Appreciate it. Okay. So what's something crazy that you've blown up with an American jet? We had. So there was this like group of army infantry trying to move push forward and they were under attack and they called in for us and then.

Where was this? This was in Afghanistan. Wow. So you're really in it. Yeah. I was on the aircraft carrier. So like we would launch from there and then we'd fly over and then like, you know, we're in the planes and shit.

So you don't have to. Right. So what do you do in the plane? You just sort of sit in the back like 10, 10, 4, we're ready. We got these like big radar screens and like it's boring. Man, it sounds like. A bunch of man stuff. You guys are just sitting in the back of the plane like.

Yeah. They're talking to us. It's all like radio radio comms. And then you just do like, oh, there's a green blimp fucking try here. You know. Okay. All right. What's your love life like?

Do you see, you seem like the kind of guy that probably calls in a missile strike every once in a while. You know what I'm saying? Okay. I just got out of a relationship actually. I was dating this girl for like a month and a half. And then she broke up with me because she said I knew what I wanted, which was confusing. What?

It's weird. She was 33 too. I was like, bitch. What did she do? She broke up with me. She said, I know what I want. And I was like. Oh yeah.

You are black dick. Yeah. That sounds about right. Yeah. And then what happened? What did she want? Do you know who she's with now? She herself.

She says she needed time alone. I don't care. I moved on, man. You know what's funny though? The girl that gave Hans an HJ, she was at my house tonight before and I kicked her out. She's crazy. That girl. I don't know who that is.

That's true. I don't know who that is. Don't say her name. I won't say it. Don't say her name. I have no idea who you guys are talking about. She in a bucket. She in a bucket.

Why did you, why did you kick her out of your house? What did she do? She was in a mess and just got real bad trip. She started going crazy. She's here too. When you say going crazy on a scale from zero to Danny Brown, what exactly would you, where would you rank how? She's a little below Danny.

She got hung. Yeah. She got hung. Yeah. I got you good on that one. That's not good. The fact that you don't think it's good makes it that much better. That's hilarious.

Cause he said less than Danny Brown. Oh, he could have said Danny Brown. That would have been funny. He said less than Danny Brown. The party won lit then. She sucked everybody dick. What he's saying is he would have kicked you out of the house like 45 minutes ago. I'm pretty sure.

I'm used to it. I know. So used to it. What did she do exactly that you kicked her out? She was hungry. So I started making some like rice and some other shit. No, that's not Danny Brown shit. Okay.

It wasn't even done cooking yet. She was like, uh, she starts eating it. She's like, it's not even done. I'm like, duh, bitch. I didn't, you're eating it out the fucking pot. What are you talking about? Yeah, but you were on acid though. Yeah.

Oh yeah. So you're making rice in a pot and she complained that it wasn't done. She started eating it out of the pot. It wasn't done being cooked yet. She's like, I'm hungry and I'm like, wait, bitch. Wow. That is incredible. Man, even given hand jobs to Hans, this bitch will do anything for rice.

You know what I'm saying? I mean, this is incredible. Hell yeah. Shoot them down, baby. I like it. Got a roll. I love it. That's how we do it.

That's a laugh to get out on. Sam Kuiper, everybody, come back. Sign up again. Do it again. That was a strong minute. The great Sam Kuiper. Oh yeah. Appreciate it.

All right. Here we go. This is the moment. I don't know what show they're at, have been waiting for. This guy does a brand new 60 seconds every single week. He's a legend on this show. He, like Hans, has been selling out all around the country as of late. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the longest standing regular in the history of the show.

Here, with a brand new minute, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Here he is. Wow, there he is. I was already on edge and Danny Brown just left, so my anxiety is through the roof right now. KFC recently released Beyond Fried Chicken, which is chicken made out of plants. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell released thousands of rats that were held in captivity awaiting their cook date.

KFC recently released Beyond Fried Chicken, which is fake chicken. Not to be outdone, M&M started fake beef with a SoundCloud wrapper to stay relevant. My pussy's so tight I use earpods for double penetration. I think watching porn as a teenager gave me an unrealistic expectation of how many handicapped people I would be having sex with. If the San Francisco 49ers go to the Super Bowl, it's good to know that when they lose, the fans will continue to loot, shit, steal, kill Asians, and destroy what was once a nice city. That's all I got.

Wow, very good. William Montgomery, doing it again. Beginning to end, felt honest, felt real, well written, completely executed, 100%, you did it again. How are you, William, and why are you wearing the world's longest orange shirt? I'm actually gifted this shirt from a nice man who does a Tennessee vintage store, and yes, it has turned out way too long, but I'm under contractual obligation to wear it. Wow, it is indeed look like you're one of those construction barrels. Yeah, it was a mistake.

I'm under contractual obligation by this motherfucker to wear this thing five times untucked specifically. So it's kind of bullshit. He specifically said untucked and I was thinking to myself, what the fuck does that mean? And then I unwrapped the shirt and it keeps fucking going, and I'm wearing this fucking thing and I look like a fucking clown, but I contractually have to wear it. I'm under contractual obligation to wear this fucking shirt, and I swear to God, I don't really want to. I have an obligation to wear this fucking shirt, and I swear to God, I don't really want to. What do you really want to do? Take it off. What fucking clown is in the fucking audience throwing me off?

The set went all right. Now I got some dumb ass in there trying to fuck my shit up up here. Please stop. I am on fucking edge right now. I wish I was kidding. I had three fucking red bulls up there before the start of this thing. That was a mistake. My chest is killing me right now. William, if given the opportunity, if nobody else was around, what would you do to the guy in the audience that yelled at you? I would slowly bend him over a fucking toilet, get one of my fucking guns out, and shoot him right in between the butt cheeks, right in the fucking asshole. Wow. Just slowly bend him down over the toilet, say, hey, come into the stall with me, let's do some drugs. And when he's bending over, just fucking do his butt hole open and put my gun in there and start fucking shooting. Wow.

I don't give a fuck anymore. Wow. I'm on fucking edge. My chest hurts. No, it's really hurting really bad right now. What's hurting? My chest. I had three fucking red bulls up there and it was a giant mistake. Right. And you haven't been doing cardio. You haven't been on your bicycle at all. We've been talking. I haven't.

Right. And you're a little bit concerned about that because you've literally, for the last few weeks, you've been sitting around playing Grand Theft Auto and eating soup. Yeah, I started making. William has a new crock pot that he's yet to really talk about on this show, but he talks about it pretty much continuously offstage. And he makes soup. Why would you tell these people that? I just lost a bunch of fucking street cred. Holy shit. I had a whole bunch of street cred with everyone and now I think it's fucking lost. But honestly, I made some wonderful pasta for Jewel last night. Seriously, it was to die for. I added some lentils. I started adding a bunch of lentils to my soup.

I added some extra cups of water because I put so many pasta shells in there. It was to die for. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. And this is a real thing. So you have all these things. You're using the crock pot on a daily basis. We're talking about breakfast soups, lunch soups, dinner soups, dinner. Yes. And I've been having these horrible blowouts, which is. What type of blowout are we talking? I sit on the toilet. I start pushing. It's some delayed spray noise. I don't know how that even fucking works. Really? I can't believe you have wet shits when all you eat is soup continuously. Yeah, I don't I don't know. How would it get solid? I fucking start pushing and there is a delayed spray noise. I don't even know how that works. There's a spray noise. It fucking gets everywhere delayed spray. I'm trying.

Like I'll start pushing and I think it's already coming out. It feels like it's coming out, but it's like this delayed spray noise into the water. Danny Brown, do you know anything about this? I mean, what are you talking about? I mean, I'm a nigger. Trust me. That's it. That's it. That's it. No, I'm a nigger. I've been thinking at the entire episode. I wasn't going to say anything. So like soups and shit, like niggas ain't really eating no soups. You know what I'm saying?

But we got air fryers, you know what I'm saying? So that was like, I mean, it's a healthier way for a nigger to eat because me, honestly, I've been putting like everything in air fry. I mean, when you moved here, you weighed 180 pounds. And now I'm 160, sexy on these bitches. Whoa, that is crazy what cocaine and Adderall can do, everybody. I'm upset about that because I moved here. I moved here to stop doing cocaine and Adderall. Right. Nowhere better to move to get off the drugs than Austin, Texas, everybody.

No, 100% of the people are out here coughing on one another. Shut the fuck up because I met a nice beautiful woman and she was able to keep me off the drugs. And now we're I'm doing good and I've been eating bacon and eggs every morning. You know what I'm saying? So shots out to them southern bills. You know what I'm saying? Let me hit it. All right. All right.

Hold on a second, guys. We're going to hold on a second. Oh, oh. I had it. I had my, I love my beans. You were about to wrap to the kiss me background. No, let's do it again. Let's see what happens.

I got it. One of the great rappers of the world. Go ahead. Look. Look. I love my bitch because she do my laundry. And when I fuck up, she don't really how me. She just say, nigga, you doing some bullshit.

And I'll be like, damn, you're right. I'm on some bullshit. But I really love you. You are my love one. I'm a real nigga. And I found a white girl in Austin. Now I move here. And we together forever.

I love my beans. I really love you. I'm sorry if you're embarrassed by this shit, but I swear I really love you. I love my beans. I love it. I'm a little bit mad you couldn't rhyme with penguin pussy, but it's okay.

I love it. It was a freestyle. That was a freestyle. I love it. My bitch, what? She don't like butter. I love it. William, how do you feel about being up here

on this stage tonight? I'm very excited. And I will agree with Danny. My drug use greatly accelerated when I moved here and turned into a very dark hole. It is true. William hit bottom so fast that he got sober a few months after living here.

I had to stop doing it all. If you want to quit drugs, come here to hit bottom. Don't quit here. It's not true, man. You have to go. Oh, you're definitely going to find sobriety here in Austin, Texas, Danny. You might not know it yet, but we're your friends.

I've been doing good. We are your friends, and we're literally planning your intervention right now. I texted your girl during the show, and I said we need to get him. God damn it. It's rubbing off on me. William, I love you so much.

You did it again. Love you, too. It was fun. William Montgomery, everybody. The great Ryan J. E. Belt drew tonight's episode. Check that out. That's you guys with us. That's the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt.

How about a hand for my guests tonight, Danny Brown and J. Peg Mafia? Check them out. You're going to love it. These guys are killers. I'm so happy that you guys joined me. You guys are rock stars. How about a hand for the screwball,

being a better whiskey kill Tony Band, everybody? Matt Mueling. Abutation on Instagram. The great D-Madness there on the bass guitar. And the great Michael Gonzalez. Mike Agon's 13 on Instagram. We did it again. Live audience, thank you guys so much.

We'll see you again soon. Good night, everybody. Thanks, guys. Go, go, go. Don't worry, do your best. Pick me, keep moving for good. Don't worry. Don't worry.