KILL TONY - #543 - TONY HINCHCLIFFE + BRIAN REDBAN

Episode Date: February 5, 2022

William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, Ellis Aych, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/24/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff.

Go to RyanJ.Ebelt.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Band coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. I'm a smoker. It's gonna help. Right on time baby. Austin this is a real live podcast. Are we doing this shit tonight or what? Oh shit. The great Brian Red Band's here. How about a hand for the band everybody? The Kill Tony band. Screwball, peanut butter, whiskey, band. The makers of delicious screwball, peanut butter, whiskey. How many of you like whiskey out there? How many of you like peanut butter?

Well they put them together. It's fucking magical. Yes. We're back. We're here for another amazing episode of Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world. They both just so happen to be here in Austin, Texas so keep that in mind when you're out there walking on the streets. Good burgers. Sometimes I go there just for the burger. I wonder if they doored ass or postmates. It reminds me of another amazing sponsor, the great CM, Smokehouse, Blue Norther, Hard Seltzer and here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors from around the world that make tonight's episode available for you free right now. The 2022 tour starts now. I'm doing stand-up

comedy by myself in Las Vegas, Nevada at the end of January, Buffalo February 4th and 5th, Holland, Michigan the 25th of February, Grand Rapids the 26th, Raleigh, North Carolina March 11th and 12th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I'm back with you again. It's been a while April 8th and 9th, Miami, Florida April 21st to the 23rd, Phoenix May 5th to the 7th, Salt Lake City, Wise Guys, one of the best clubs in the world May 20th and 21st and more dates are being added regularly. Get tickets at TonyHinchCliff.com. Hey y'all, we're lucky enough to live in a world where we read ads here on this show and I'm telling you there's one ad in particular that really stands out as a company that I use every day. I believe in it. I use it to recover. I use it to thrive.

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it's fucking perfect. Red Band, you know about this. I have one before I go to bed. I have one before I wake up. Before I wake up, yes, I'm asleep and I have one, but during the day I have one. You're dreaming about it. I can't stop and it's great. If you follow their Instagram, they're always releasing new special limited edition flavors also and that's how I fell in love with the grape flavor and the new golden cherry flavor. I love the hydration of it. I love Liquid IV and I love knowing that my body's hydrated. One stick of Liquid IV is in 16 ounces of water hydrates faster, more efficiently than water alone. It contains five essential vitamins, B3, B5, B6, B12 and vitamin C. Bingo. It's made with good ingredients and stuff like that. It's

gluten, dairy and soy free. I mean, it's clean. You could share it with your friends, feel confident about it. I mean, everybody loves it. This product is undeniable. I'm serious. Try it. I double dog dare you. If you hate it, you know what? Maybe I'll get you free tickets to kill Tony. I'm just kidding. I won't get you free tickets to kill Tony because you're going to love it. Grab Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco where you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use the code TONY at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code TONY at liquidiv.com. Experience better hydration today at liquidiv.com promo code TONY. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Yeah. Every single week, we have one or two of the funniest comedians

in the world as guests on this show. Your guest tonight, breaking news, his flight was delayed everybody. So we're going to start the show without the guest and at some point, because this show is so fucking rock and roll, a guest at some point is going to walk up here and sit next to me during the episode. Now I'll introduce that person when that time comes and hopefully the time comes pretty fucking soon. But we're going to hold it down. Red Band and I used to do this all by ourselves all the time back in most of the time on the road shows. And well, yeah, we're the only two people that have been on every single episode. No doubt about that. That's math. Absolutely. So yeah, so we're just going to fucking freeball it. Just the two of us special fucking episode. You guys

ready to do this shit? All right, then we'll do it. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. You guys know about that part. If I pulled their name out, they get 60 seconds, a bunch of fucking Sharpie markers in here for no reason. And yeah, that's how it works. 60 seconds, you know, the time's up when you're the sound of a kitten. That means they're up it up. Then I was going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's what that sounds like. So we don't want them to go over their time. They're going to do stand up comedy. And then I talked to them afterwards. We find out more about them one more time. Are you guys ready to start the fucking show? Nobody has more fun on Mondays than us.

Every episode, we start with one of our amazing regulars. These are people that write and perform a brand new minute every week. So we know this guy made a regular a few months ago, always gets the fucking party started. Make some noise for my friend Hans Kim. Hey, what's up guys? I used to live in New York City before the pandemic, but I had to leave because they started shoving Asians around. I don't know if you know this about Asians, but we're very vulnerable to the shove. We got hollow little bones. We go very far. I couldn't stay in that environment. Very good at math, not very good at not getting shoved. I think it's fucked up how you can get on network TV and say bitch and disrespect women, but you can't get on TV

and say shit and disrespect poop. I think women deserve more protection than we give to poop. I'm a bit of a feminist. I think it's fucked up how you can get on TV and show breasts and all I have to do is cover the nipple, which I think is ineffective, but keep doing it. Because if I see women wearing nipple pasties, I can still jerk off to that if I have to for science. But thank you. But if I see women wearing burkas that have holes where the nipple should be, I cannot jerk off to that. It looks like a nursing ghost. I'm not. All right. Thank you guys. There you go. Doing a little long tonight. Hans Kim

flexing on us doing a minute 25. We'll let you get away with it. Look at that. Look at you tonight. Look at this fucking. What fucking confidence. What nutcracker is missing the jacket right now? What Confederate soldier did you steal that off of? Yes, the sound of the Confederate war. Flavor. Hell yeah. I love it. The south will rise again. So stupid. This is the dumbest show of all time. I love it. Hans. I absolutely love this set. You're right. The Asians have been getting shoved. What the fuck is up with that? Very smart premise because I don't hear about a lot of people.

There's been a couple pushed into the subway. Am I correct? Yes. Concerning. Yeah. It's an interesting thing. And it's been urban fellows, right? Like it's been. What the fuck did you just say? Welcome to another episode of Urban Fellows with Brian Redband. Well, this week on Urban Fellows, we talk about the rap industry. All right. Anyway, be careful. There's an urban fellow right now. I know. I can't see my iPads covering them up. You son of a bitch. All right. Hans, let's talk about it. Other great stuff. The nipple cover thing. Hilarious. You're

killing it. You're fresh off of. I just did a Vegas all weekend and you were going. You would have been with me, but you were and William already booked for shows out there selling out Philadelphia. Yes. Out there, headlining on your own. Yes. Coming off of successful long sets on the road, live in the dream, getting on airplanes, staying at hotels, doing what you love to do. Tell us what else happened when you were on the road. Philadelphia is a pretty wild city. You're a wild man. I tried some nitrous oxide. Okay. Oh my God. All right. What are we talking about? Like actual like little tanks or ready with these guys had some tank from a dentist. Wow. They filled it up a little balloon and they were

like, are you going to do this or are you a square? Whoa. Why would they call you a square? Even though your eyes are rectangles. Stupid. All right. So you did nitrous. Then how did it make you feel a little lightheaded? I don't think I did a heroic dose. You didn't fish out. You didn't fish out. You've been hanging out with. Where do you get this lingo from? Oh, Tony. I don't think I roll out like a heroic dose. Did you used to do nitrous? I used to. No. Okay. Are you kidding me? I used to go to Canada and get tanks from Dennis and like you'd go to a party and sell them like like two for 10 or something like that and make a shitload of money. I okay. Oh shit. D madness. You've done nitrous socks. Oh shit. D madness over here. Did you do a heroic

dose? I bet you were not seeing stars. You saw color. D madness just called himself colored everybody for those of you that missed it. Hans, tell us something else. What else? Since you've been back or anything, what else is going on in life? I got another hand job yesterday. Whoa, the king of the hand jobs. There's no doubt about it. Yes. Put your hands together. Hans. Hans, do you think there's any connection to your name being Hans and all you get are hand jobs? Get Hans jobs? That's a t shirt, bro. That's a tour. Hans job 2022 tour. Unlimited hand jobs this guy gets. Was it from the same girl from the same hand job girl? Yeah. And still nothing else. So that there's been no advances past hand job. Yeah. Do you

enjoy the hand job? Do you prefer that? Are you anti blow job? It's just less danger and like when you say danger, what exactly the fuck are you talking about? Danger. What are we talking about? Teeth STDs? What are you worried about? The fuck are you worried about? STDs, pregnancies. How do you avoid it? Do Asians have a little tiny mask for their little penises and they put it on so you don't get, they wear, they used to wear, there used to be a stereotype that Asians wear masks a lot, but a couple of weeks ago, not at all the right times they didn't. A couple of weeks ago, we found out that Hans, like his hand jobs have been getting worse. They started off lotion and then they started getting dry. Because you keep coming no matter what.

So at this point, she's like, no effort. So what was this one like? Dry? It was dry. Wow. Where did this take place? In her home. Wow. What part of the home? The bedroom? Yeah, she lives in a studio, so it was the one big room. Wow. Hell yeah. So technically, you got a hand job in the kitchen. Okay. And what did you do? Did you do anything to her? I fingered her. Jesus. He's so abruptly honest with his answers. I fingered her Tony. I enjoy it. You do. You enjoy it. Yeah, I enjoy the process. I actually got two hand jobs from her. In the same night, I came twice. Wow. And uh, wow. Thank you. Not easy to do. That sounds horrible. Yeah. Not easy to do at all. Again, people are clapping for this, but this is really like that

might be a Guinness world record for how many times a man can come from just a hand job. Is this girl attractive? Is she your type? Is that why you're coming from hand jobs? Yeah, she's fairly attractive. Fairly attractive. That's great. I'm guessing she does not watch this show. Interesting stuff. This is all very intriguing. Are you sure, though, that her vagina does not have like a cock or something? Like, I mean, what are you talking about? I mean, if they've been doing hand jobs for weeks, maybe there's a reason. Maybe her. No, he said he fingered her. Yeah. Was it a tick hole or was it a red band? Hit that button. Hit the button if you're going to say stuff like that. If you're going to say silly shit like that, you have to have that cued up.

So the win it fails, you could that'll save you. Okay. Have you ever thought about when you're fingering her? Have you ever thought about perhaps going down and performing oral sex on her and thinking that you could be the first to raise the bar in this conundrum that you found yourself in? This hands only relationship? Have you ever thought about adding a mouth to the mix, huh? Yeah, I mean, that sounds good, but I just don't really want to. Wow. This is interesting to me. Why don't you want to? I mean, it's just like... I mean, after all, she is fairly attractive. Yeah, I mean, I'm afraid of what it'll taste like. And then if I... Holy shit. You're afraid of what it'll taste like. Hans, what's going on out there, dude?

We're going to fucking turn you into a real man. We're going to figure out how to get you to enjoy eating, per se. D-Madness. I mean, how could you... You think he would lie to you? I'll try to tap into my inner D-Madness. Have you gone down on girls where the taste is bad? What is it tasted like? What would you compare it to? Just like a slimy fish. Isn't that what your people love the most? Right. Have all Asian stereotypes fucking flipped it and reversed it or what? You guys used to be the kung fu masters, and now you're the innocent victims and all these other things. It's wild. Maybe with some soy sauce next time. You stop it. You're going to get me in trouble.

Oh, there it goes. Another one bites the dust, everybody. That goes another one. Hans, this is so much fun. I absolutely love you. There's no better way to get this fucking show started than with you. You have any more tour dates coming up or anything? No, actually, maybe February 25th to the 26th at the... Well, we are not going to plug maybe dates. Follow him on social media. It's Hans Kim. There he goes. The great Hans Kim, everybody. All right. You guys ready to meet somebody out of the fucking bucket? Huh? Could be anybody. This is the part where Shik it's pretty wild because we're meeting people usually for the first time. Here we go. An uninterrupted 60 seconds of stand-up comedy goes to Will Merrick to start tonight's bucket portion of the show. Will Merrick. Here he

comes. He's got a steady pace. One more time for Will Merrick, everybody. Shit. How the fuck is it going? You guys ever think about how many people were having sex with the TV on when 9-11 happened? I don't know. This seemed like the room for that joke. Right? I don't know. It had to happen with earlier ones like Texas, JFK, you know, but where's the Zoom meetings for that? There's all these A meetings online now. There are to be thousands of people who can now only come from like tragedies. I don't know. They're just like, okay, like what do you want to fucking 9-11 and chill? That's not great. You guys, I've been in Texas for like three months. It's been good, but I finally hooked up with a Texas girl and she gave me HEB. So yeah, that's it. Thank you guys.

Will Merrick. Hell yeah, Will. How are you, my friends? This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, I'm two-stoned, but I'm doing quite well. It's okay. Me too. We just don't acknowledge you. You plow forward like everything's normal. Stop freaking out, dude. It's like college. You're fucking up our whole vibe up here, right? All right. Let me be honest with you, Tony. I'm two-stoned and this is a disaster. Jesus, relax. Will, I love it. So what's going on? It's your first time here. How long have you been on stand up, Will? About a year. Okay. All of it here in Austin? No, I moved here like four months ago. I'm actually from Charlottesville, Virginia. Charlottesville, Virginia. Oh, shit. Look at you. Got out a little bit later than you should have,

huh? Yeah. Yikes. No wonder you love talking about tragedy so much. Yeah, it's all I can relate to these days. What were you doing for a living in Charlottesville? Working at Whole Foods. I went to school there, but just finished college and then worked about a year at Whole Foods, moved here. Wow. I can't imagine. I mean, Whole Foods is always white, but the whole foods in Charlottesville, Virginia must just be in, yeah. Is this a grocery store or is this heaven? Not a single block in sight? They have a full stock of bananas and chicken. D-Madness isn't laughing at it, so now I feel bad. It's really for D and John, but

D-Madness is fucking dreaming about pussy back there. I love it. So, Will, you were working at Whole Foods when the thing happened? Would you guys get like extra business or anything? We had a few questionable clients come through afterwards, yeah. Right. Yeah, they're super racist there, right? Yeah, they stayed towards like the bakery aisle mostly. Just like the white bread. Oh, dear son of a bitch. I'm like, I wonder if he's gonna go there. I hope not. Boom, he went there. That's exactly where I was hoping you weren't going with the bakery thing. I mean, come on, dude. Bakery's a fucking pumpernickel, dude. You know what's up? You know, that's good shit, too. I like the dark bread. Yeah. You ever eat pumpernickel, Will?

Uh, I have not. No, I try not to say this. What's your favorite kind of exotic bread? Uh, you know, I'm a holla bread kind of guy. Whoa. You said the magic word of the day. I think it's Jewish, but that's cool. All right, holla. Will, what do you do for work now that you're here? I work at a restaurant. What restaurant? Elizabeth Street Cafe. Okay, this is a very popular place. A lot of people like that. What do you do there? I'm like the expo. It's like fancy food running. Yeah, you make sure that everything's in position and everything. Yep. I get yelled at by both sides, basically. Uh-huh. Yeah. So, the chef and the servers hate me. It's good. It was a part of the

job that I had back in Columbus, Ohio when I worked at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse expediting was I had to make sure that everything was fucking ready to go. Will, what's something interesting about you? It seems like you have some deep dark secrets that you're holding on to. We want to know about it. I'm going to try to figure out what it is. Uh, interesting about me. I worked at it. I worked at ACL. Uh, I play saxophone. Uh, I'm on... You, wait a second. Hold on a second. You play saxophone like professionally? Uh, I'm trying to. Wow. Do you have one with you? It's not in my car. I fucked up. Yeah. Big time. Yeah, you did. You son of a bitch. Yeah. Could have been, could have been the newest member of the band and you played your cards right. Now,

odds are we'll never fucking see you again. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. No, god. T madness. The guy's unbelievable. He's on fire, folks. He's on fire. Okay. Will, what's your love life like? Uh, I mean, you dress like you're standing around a barrel fire. So, like, but I think chicks are into that. I mean, Pete Davidson, again, breaking news. Pete Davidson's still fucking Kim Kardashian. So, yeah, truly anything is possible in this world. I'm just trying to lead into that, like, skater, nicotine addict kind of look that's, uh, that's in right now. Uh-huh. No, I'm, uh, I'm dating around a little. Go ahead. Keep going. You're dating? Yeah. Just on Tinder too much, but, uh, but you're going out on actual dates. You're meeting people?

Yeah. Okay. Generally, like, how does that go? Like, how'd your most recent one go? When was that? And, uh, fuck, well, let's just get into it. No. Um, well, yeah, I'm trying to will. This is an interview. You're on a podcast. I'm doing the questions. You would be doing the answers. So, the, let's get into it. You could just get into it. You don't have to say that part. Okay. Okay. It's like your most recent date. When was that? Uh, I went over to this girl's house on Saturday. Okay. Yeah. All right. And you had apartment and you hadn't hung out before. This is straight off a Tinder. Straight off a Tinder. Yeah. Right. And then so you show up. What's the first thing you remember about the experience? You ring the doorbell and then what happens?

Uh, she was like doing the dishes. Oh, which is kind of fucking weird. Yeah. No, this is exactly why I ask these questions. That's some interesting fucking shit. Yeah. She opened the door and she's like, I'm just finishing doing some dishes and just want to wait over there. Did she make you a drink or something? Uh, no. I mean, she was like also cleaning a bong. That's like what dishes are. Oh, God. This bitch is disgusting. What are you on? Fucking skaters only.com. The hell is going on over here? Yeah. What's up, dude? I'm the girl. Oh, I just got to fucking finish cleaning my bong, dude. And then I'm gonna let you fuck my pussy. This sounds horrible. Yeah. There's flies everywhere.

I'm only into radical chicks. Okay. Yeah. All right. So what are you doing? You're standing around while she's cleaning the bar on a couch. It was it was awkward from where I was. I mean, she was looking at the dishes, but uh, yeah. And then, uh, then we got uncomfortably high just like this again. Uh, yeah, you're basically like a hot chick like that. So it is intimidated. So it's like the same vibe. I should be more at home. Tell us about the actual what the fuck happened will stay on subject here. So you sit down. How did things start? How does the sexual part of this start? You guys are sitting next to each other. You're laying down or you're standing up. Where are you? Do you remember? Yeah. Well, we decided as two stone people do to watch some

tornado videos. So oh yeah, you know, nothing gets the party started. Like I don't I should stop saying the words tornado videos because all the ladies are getting a little fucking swampy in their south lands. You know what I'm saying? Tornado videos, the sexiest videos, sexiest natural disasters, definitely a tornado. Have you ever gotten a handjob while watching a tornado videos? No, no, and I didn't. Um, but yeah, then we then we had sex. So that was a great year of master storyteller will. Yeah. Well, incredible. I'm feeling oddly religious. I don't know why all the sudden. What do you normally do when you smoke pot? Because you smoke a lot of pot, right? How old are you 24, 25, 23, 23. Yeah, there it is. Meanwhile, you do look a rugged 33 years old.

It is incredible. Yeah, I'm not exactly sure what you're doing wrong. There is definitely a vitamin that you are missing, my friend. Not exactly sure which one it is. My friend Joe Rogan could probably tell you just by looking at you. Nice and something like that. He'd be like, Hello on iron, bro. Come talk to me when you're when you're not iron is normal, bro. I don't get the I don't get the whole foods discount anymore. So I can't afford vitamins. Yeah, I don't know what when you're watching these like tornado videos, you're on the couch, right? And you're sitting next to each other. We're getting horny. We're like touching your leg and like where you like rubbing your leg or putting in a circle because there was a tornado

video on the. Yeah, it was, you know, it's Kansas. We're watching tornado video. It was very Wizard of Oz. I don't know. I what the fuck he's here. I don't. Wow, Will, you are right. You really are still I go to it. Absolutely. You've been very kind. I appreciate you. I've been nice to you. I showed you mercy. I did tell you that you're missing some vitamins. That's a look into it. There goes will Merrick everybody. Let's get another bucket pull out of here. Oh, here have a joke book. There you go. Well, it's a normal sized joke book. You're just really, really high. Oh, another will back to back wills. Oh, how about a hand for will load in everybody? Will

load in will there be a third? Here he comes. Another will. This show is filled with wills. It looks like a will. It's a will fill one more time for will load in everybody. All right. I dated a German lady for a real long time. We met swapping stories about losing wars. Yeah, yeah. Oh, y'all messed up at the battle of Stylagrad? Well, we messed up at the battle of Gettysburg. We stayed together for a long time because we were trying to build the next great wide offensive lineman. That's not true. We stayed real. We stayed together because my dick converts better to metric. No. Yeah. Over here, it's like a 34 and a half inches. And over there, it's like a million

degrees Celsius or out of the fuck they measure. Yeah. She left me. She left me for a guy with diabetes. Yeah, she's clearly got a type. Type two, y'all got there for me. She was looking for a sugarfoot daddy. You'll have a wonderful evening. Wow, will load in coming in a real professional. Charismatic, likable, jokes through and through. Yeah, incredible. How long you've been doing this? You have to be at least a few years. Five years. Yes. That's exactly what I was going to guess, but I didn't have the balls to do it. It's incredible. You look like an even more homeless John C. Riley and you're able to pull off coming up here and just fucking slamming it out. I like it. Five years. Where you been doing it at? Seattle, Portland? Memphis. Memphis. Okay. I started in

Memphis and I moved down to Houston. Okay. Memphis, Tennessee. That's where you're born and raised? Born in Mississippi. All right. Man, that's fun to say, isn't it? Born in Mississippi. I do the Clare. Just south of Tubelo, you can find yourself a small town. Amory, Mississippi. It was supposed to be Armory, but they forgot the R. Wow. Go Panthers. I love you. I'm in love with you. You're absolutely perfect. You're a perfect human being. You know that? Oh, that's sweet. This fucking guy. This is like if the big Lebowski drank Mikolov instead of white Russians. I love it. So what do you do for a living? You seem like a guy that has like a real

fucking job. Construction. Got a little paint on your pants. Wow, you're a real construction guy. Yeah, drywall framing. This is what all construction guys used to look like, by the way, back in that day. Like if you were in New York, this is who built buildings and shit. Guys that look like this. This old house collection. I don't know what that means. F.R.M. Sears. Bob Vila. You can get all of this clothing in the Sears catalog from 1989. What kind of construction exactly do you do? I do mostly drywall and framing. Wow. Drywall is an extremely hard job. I had a buddy that did it when we were, I think, in high school. Yeah. And I did it for a day. That is a job that I

immediately quit. Yeah. It fucking sucks. But the freeze last February, when everyone's pipes were bursting, made a shit ton of money. Okay. How much, wait, what are we talking about here? Let me ask you this. I made Mikolov Ultra money. Let me ask you this. You ever been doing construction and do you notice that when you're in like your construction hat and stuff like that, do women look at you differently? No women look at me. They're all getting cat called by my Mexican buddies. Oh shit. You're right. That's true. That's true. Interesting stuff. You have a girlfriend, wife? I do have a girlfriend. Okay. How long you been with her? Like eight months. It's another long distance thing. Oh really? She's in Memphis? No, she's in Fayetteville. Whoa. Fayetteville,

Arkansas. Okay. What the fuck is she doing there? She's a lawyer up there. Wow. She's probably the lawyer up there. Fayetteville, Arkansas. Out here, the tough crimes. We got an Amish carriage going more than 25. Two frat guys arrested last night at the University of Arkansas. Is that where the University, oh okay. Well that's different then. I didn't realize there was a school there. It sounds like, it actually sounds like a city that doesn't have any schools in it. Fayetteville, Arkansas. Sounds disgusting. You ever go visit? Always. I go, yeah, when I'm free. Yeah, I'm going up there in a couple of weeks to go see her. Oh my goodness. So what happens? You go up there, you like stay at her place? Yep. Yeah. What does she do? Oh, she's a lawyer. That's right.

Yeah. I love it. Will, what's something, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Something you ever win a competition? Are you good at anything? I played football in high school. Like it's not really special. You're right. Yeah. What else? There must be something. What do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? Mostly drinking. Having a long distance relationship. I've been in a few. It sucks. Do you ever masturbate? Like, you know, like with Zoom and stuff? Yeah. Yeah. No, I go to Titty City. Do you ever masturbate? No, no, no. Like with Zoom with your girlfriend. Like you put a fake background so it looks like you're at the Olive Garden or something like that. I should do that. Wow. I actually, I sent her a dick pic this morning

because I was pretty stoked with my morning wood and like, you know. Wow. Look at that. That's incredible. What did she, what did she say when you sent it to her? Was she like, objection? I love it. Will, have you only been with white women your entire life? No. Really? Mississippi, baby. We're like mostly African-Americans. You know? Okay. All right. So you, you've had sexual relations with black women. That's very true. Have you ever noticed anything different? Well, you know, you've been with white women. You've been with black women. Have you ever noticed anything different in the bedroom about black women that is a little bit different than with white women? Just out of my- Less hair pulling.

With you getting your hair pulled? Your, your pulling their hair less is what you're saying. I think the answer is yes. But other than hair pulling, hair pulling, obviously, I mean clearly to anyone that's, we know that's a thing, but how anything else stand out to you? Nah, I just like pussy, dude. There you go. There you go. I've always had a theory that black girls vaginas are a couple degrees warmer than the white vagina. I have an honest theory about that, but either that or the black girls that I've hooked up with have always had a fever at the time. And I just didn't know about it, but it's a couple. What was that noise? What the fuck? Okay. All right. Very good. Will, man. Will, are you in town Thursday? I would love to have you

on The Secret Show if you can. There's a joke book from The Great Bones Eye, a handmade Texas leather joke book. Will, come back again. We want to see another minute of yours sometime. That goes Will Loden, everybody. All right. So far, two white wills that don't know exactly how interviews work. Could there be a third white will? Here we go. Gabe Bilkford is next. Fuck. Gabe Bickford. You guys having fun out there, huh? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Cold blooded. I don't see movement. All right. Nobody's coming. Nobody's coming. This fucking guy

went to go take a shit. Darwin Ragsdale. Here we go. Here comes Darwin. Come on. Make some noise one time for Darwin Ragsdale. I'm what my dad likes to call a niggerachie. Yeah, you heard correct. I'm 50-50. From the waist up on my mariachi, but from the waist down, I'm again. So I get the best of both worlds, right? Growing up, I had to worry about, you know, well, I get fried chicken tacos, and I like to mix my Hennessy with my tequila, you know, but also get the worst of both worlds. Growing up, I had to worry about the chancla and the beaten. Now, I got to worry about the popo and ice, or as I like to call them, the police. They'll deport my Mexican side and shoot me. My

black ass at the same damn time. It's fucked up. Shit. I don't only experience racism from the whites, but I also experience racism from my very own. Coconut Mexicans. Yeah, I was hanging out, man, in the hood. I'm from Dallas. Oh, Cliff, right? This Mexican pulled up, and he was like, hey, man, what are you doing in my neighborhood? I was like, Hey, he looked at me. He was like, Hey, fuck you, you Puerto Rican. And drove off. I know he called me Puerto Rican. I couldn't believe it. I am a nigger, Rachi. Okay, Darwin Ragsdale. Welcome to the show, Darwin. How are you? I'm good, man. How are you doing? Good. Good. This is your first time joining us.

First time ever. How long have you been doing stand up? Two years now. Two years. Yeah, I love it. I'll be three actually. All of it here in Austin, Texas. Just moved down here five months ago. From where? From Dallas. From Dallas. Don't hate me. I have no relation to ping-pang. Oh, yes. Okay, sure. I've heard. That's a reach, Darwin. I'm just saying, I'm just saying. No, I wasn't going to judge me. Yeah, of course, Darwin. I like you. You remind me of like Nephew Jemima or something like that. You look like a homeless Steph Curry or something. I can't exactly, can't exactly put my finger on what you remind me of, but even D-Madness is seen enough. So, Darwin, what do you do for a living? I'm a lift driver. You're a lift driver. Yes, I am.

Okay, what kind of car are you out there lifting? Toyota Corolla 2011. Wow. Yeah. All right. You have any wild stuff happening in your car lately? Yeah, I had a murderer come into the car one time. A what? A murderer. A murderer? Yeah, he, a murderer. Murderer. Yeah, yeah, hard ER. Well, yeah, we all have murderers and our cars at some point. I mean, but tell us about it. Man, he came on talking about, he was, you know, pissed off that his nephew got put over and whatnot and actually ended up going to jail because he had some tagging paint or whatever. I was like, oh, okay, that's cool, whatever. He said it was a felony. I didn't know that, right? And I was like, that's fucked up, man. I mean, it could be worse. You could be a murderer and he stayed quiet.

And I said, so where we headed anyway? And he looked at me and he was like prison. I said, oh, shit. All right, my bad. I know that, you know, and what for? He was like, it was really fucked up. I had this, this tumor and I ended up getting in a fight and it made me act out violently. And I fought with my homie and they gave me 25 years. I'm like, what the fuck? This is the weirdest Tyler Perry movie I've ever heard. I can't make this up, man. This is a while. Do you hear the plot? He said, he said he killed him. He said he killed him. I was like, holy shit, man. All right. Yeah. That's the craziest story I've ever had. Okay. Yeah. All right, Darwin. How about you? What do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that has like, you're like going to night clubs.

I do. To be honest, I kind of like to make spontaneous music. You know what I mean? What do you mean? Like, you know, it all started when I was a child. What kind of spontaneous music? Anything. Like, you know, if you play instruments, no. Do you do all this acapella? I mean, let's just say if there was music to be played, I was, you know, do a little some some, you know what I mean? No, I don't know what you mean at all. What exactly do you mean? Is this a spontaneous? You're basically a toddler. Toddlers can do that. They can like mimic the noises that other people. What do you mean spontaneous music? Give us an example of a time that that happened without

making it a seven minute story. Shit. Me and my family would like to do spontaneous music. Somebody throws out a beat and somebody adds on like a beatbox. Like a beatbox. Yeah. So you need like free styling rap. Something like that. Yeah. Right. Cause there's no instruments. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, there could be instruments. Okay. Why don't you guys give them a beat and let's see if he can make some fun. Oh, shit. Oh, oh my God. All right. He was ready for you. This beat is all right now. Okay. Yeah. Yo, um, yo, this beat is morning. It's making me very, very, very horny. I'm on kill Tony. Yeah. Yeah. Uh oh. Okay. Yeah. I like to make it very smooth that you know how I do. Look at my hips. They like to move too. Ha. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Okay. That's what I got. One ladies and gentlemen, we are getting word that black people no longer claim as Darwin is one of their own. He is being he has been drafted by by Norwegians. We are fine at getting word that he is a Norwegian trapped in the body of a black man. Story of my life. Man, that was about the dorkiest rap I've ever heard in my life. I saw an opportunity. I'm really fucking horny. Yeah. Hey, it's like Chuck E cheese after hours or something like it was. It was a Chuck E cheese rap. Oh my God. Does this ever go good for you? The spontaneous music thing? Is it always just a massive failure? No, it never does. I love it. What else Darwin?

I feel like we're missing something here. You get you good at anything. I mean, not really. We're seeing what talents you don't have. It's incredible. What do you think you're best at? What do you think you're like axe throwing perhaps or I mean it could be anything really. I'm not a manly man. You know what I mean? You ever find yourself being a natural at something? Anything at all. Perhaps it's kicking field goals. Perhaps it's driving. I like I like to fuck. Oh, wow. All right. We're being honest. Yeah, that's pretty. It's pretty extreme. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just figured. How often do you do that? What are we talking about? What's your love life like twice a day?

Twice today. Same girl. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, it's not that impressive. Yeah. I'm just kidding. I'm getting it's amazing. This is a girl you've been hooking up with for a while. Yeah, she was my best friend before and now she's my best best friend. Oh, so you're gay. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah. Got the happiest gay relationship I've ever heard of. And she's a woman, but we're such best friends that we're complete homosexuals. Damn, that's incredible. Best. What makes her your best friend? Like what do you guys like do? What do you have in common? We have a lot in common smoke a lot of weed together. Is you know, there's a second. Did this is this the girl with the dishes and cleaning the bong? Is this the same girl?

No, go ahead. You guys smoke weed. What else? Yeah, smoke weed. That's all we do. That's all we do. We smoke a lot of weed. We talk a lot of shit. Yeah. I love it. Well, Darwin, again, another another very, very charismatic, great, great job. And we'll see you again soon. Thank you so much. There he goes. Thank y'all. Dallas Ragsdale. Take one of those, Dallas. All right, let's get another regular up here. Let's see what happens here. This young man is was made a basically a pinch hitter regular for when David Lucas isn't here. Just a few weeks ago, this is only his second time performing ever as a regular on this show. Austin, Texas, I present to you the one and only Ellis H. Everyone.

Hey, fellas, sometimes we got a lie to our ladies, man. That's just how it is, man. Like, my ex would ask me, baby, am I thick? Now, ladies and gentlemen, for those that don't know, thick is crevaceous, voluptuous, big ass booty, right? I looked the square in the face and I said, baby, you one thick ass bitch. Ladies and gentlemen, that is a lie. I was a thick bitch. I was a thick bitch. Ladies and gentlemen, that is a lie. I was a thick bitch. In a relationship, I had enough ass for the both of us. Shit. But it's my fault because I prayed for it. I remember in high school, I would see a girl with a big old butt. And I said, oh, God, give me a fat butt. And he gave it to me. But the problem is he gave it to me. I said, oh, shit. So you've got to be

very specific about what you prayed for. Because you'll be like, Lord, I asked you to send me somebody special. Then motherfucker, be special. All right. He'll come in with a helmet and no bike in that bitch. Man, y'all feel good? Give me a hell, y'all. Oh man. I love y'all, man. Y'all could have been anywhere in the world, but y'all here with us, man. Fuck yeah. Man. Wow. How cool are you? LSH, everybody. I love it. Up here looking like every character from the movie Friday. You look a little bit like everybody. You see what I see? Like a tall Kevin Hart. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck? I've gotten that shit before. I just wanted to dress up once, shit. When roasting goes wrong with Alice, let's talk about it. You are dressed to the fucking

something tonight. Tony, I got tired of looking homeless, man. Motherfuckers give me change when I was walking in this bitch. Yeah. So I said, you nailed it all the way to those fucking scuba shoes you're wearing. I don't know what's going on there. I almost came in this bitch barefoot because I borrowed this from my Nigerian friend, but we not built the same and shit. So I don't know why the fuck. I almost came in here barefooted. Is the funniest thing anybody said on stage all night tonight? That's incredible. So you knew the shoes were bad. You were thinking about just going straight up no shoes and thinking I would just perhaps ignore that over the fact that the horrible shoes that you're wearing, because they are bad. And you'll notice in the history of the

show, a lot of people have bad shoes, but I don't really like to make fun of shoes because they're not really that visible to people watching on YouTube and shit, but these are bad. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Get them out of here. Get them out of there. Get back over there. Get those fucking shoes away from the table. Last thing I need is whatever fucking these my Nigerian homeboys though. They're not mine. Dude, how many people have died from fentanyl overdose in those shoes? That's what I want to know. Oh shit. Tony, Tony, those shoes have seen death. Those are. Yeah, those are car accident shoes. Like you just go on the side of the highway and pick up some shoes and shift that. Yeah, I know. There's a morgue tag connected to the toe. One of them. For those

of you just listening to the podcast, even Ross Dress for less is like, I know I'm fucking up with red band just roasting the shit out of me. God damn. He tagged me in the fuck out of me. Yeah. Red bands never worn shoes on kill Tony. A little fun fact. You can't see him because he's behind that. Yeah, I just wear buckets of gravy. Yeah, that's right. There's buckets of gravy. Your Nigerian friend gave you those. Yeah. Did he? It was a gift? No, no, no. I ordered some boots, but they didn't come in time. And he and he. That motherfucker set me up. Where did you meet this Nigerian at school? What? At school. Texas State. Texas State. Where were you studying at Texas State? Theater, man. Wow. Man. Hell yeah. Actor and shit. Oh, this is a perfect

opportunity. I want to pitch an idea. Tell me what y'all think. That's why I dressed up so nice is I'm pitching an idea. So, okay, get this. Me and Hans Kim, right? It's like rush hour, but it's a little bit slower. It's going to be called lunch hour. And it's me and him solving cases around Austin. Tony, you're in it. Red bands in it. Everybody's in that bitch. I'm trying to get it. I'm trying to get a go fund me for that bitch. So if anybody want to see that, make some noise if you want to see that. That'd be a good shit. It's a movie. A movie. Yes. What do you call it? It's going to be called this like lunch hour. Lunch hour? Because it's slower than rush hour. It's just me and Hans Kim. Lunch hour. Yes. Yes. I think you're close. I think you should

call it crush hour or something like that. So it's a little more on the nose, like a actually so that people know. Yeah, but maybe if the posters are right, I could see how lunch hour would work. It'd be beautiful, bro. Like I'll be like, do you understand the words that come to my mouth? And then Hans would be like, dude, I speak English. What the fuck? I'm right here. Dude, what the fuck? Oh, I shouldn't squint. I'm not squinting. Absolutely hilarious. Now I really do want to see this. Maybe we could fucking get Yoni to film some stupid sketch or something like Let's do it. Hey, let's go, baby. All right. There you go. Very excited. I love it. What else is going on this week? It's been a week since we talked to you.

LSH, what you been up to? Man, just auditioning and shit, writing scripts, waiting for a call back. Yep. You're sending in videos or you going in on auditions? I'm sending in videos, but my agent ain't shit, y'all. And I'm thinking about cutting the loose because she's sending me she's sending me on shit that I can't even do. Like looking for African American six tall, six foot and taller. I'm like, oh, shit. Now, you know, damn well, I can't do that. So I hit her up. I said, and Lord knows you don't have the shoes for that. I don't. Those fucking man, those, those put the word mock in moccasins. I'm telling you right now. Man on that shit, please. What if he stands on Hans Kim, like he could just stand on those

those make penny loafers look like Yeezys. I mean, these fucking shoes, it's unbelievable. D madness swarming you in the shoe category. And he doesn't even need to give a fuck. I'd imagine in fact, if we gave D the power of vision right now, and the first thing that he saw was those shoes, he'd be like, send me back. I'm good. This shit's disgusting. Send me back to permanent blindness. I knew this was going to happen. Tony, can you describe the shoes for like the, you know, the audio? I mean, it really is. It looks like it's like a cross. It looks like it's the Batman and the penguin made a baby together and the feet that would be attached to that animal. Just a sad,

sort of plasticky fake leather. There is stitching everywhere in every direction. It looks like the bride of Chucky or something like that. It's like a moccasin made out of black licorice. Yeah, it really is. It's it's actually quite shocking. This is what it looks like when scuba divers get stuck in caves and die. This is what they end up finding is the types of remnants of exactly these shoes. In fact, I do believe that they are made of the exact same thing as this chair right here in my hand. I think they're just melt to melted down chairs. Same stitching on your feet. It's like Pac-Man made it. Yeah. Thank y'all. No, no, no, no. Son of a bitch. This is like if Nike gave John Stockton his own shoe deal instead of Michael Jordan.

Those things are fucking horrendous. If those were Nikes, their slogan would be just don't do it. I mean, I'm sorry, dude. Like the bones eyes gonna make bones eyes gonna make joke books out of those for next week. It's like seven big ones. I mean, that those things are absolutely incredible. The last time I saw tongues that big, it was the lead singer of Kiss. See that? Very rarely can you make fun of the tongues. You're not even laughing, sir. They're right in front of you. How do you not enjoy a good fucking shoe roast, sir? Welcome to the party, you son of a bitch. Hey, get me up for that shit. That is burning my ass alive for the fucking- This fucking guy must be wearing shitty shoes under that table.

He has your back with those shoes, which is- Can you imagine what those shoes sound like walking down a rainy road? What are you doing? Alice, don't. We're making fun of them. Oh my god. Oh my god. I can't. I got PTSD in this bitch. Okay. All right, sir. There's a reason why I toss it, bro. Don't toss shit back up there, man. The show is chaos. It's like a bad home run ball. They're throwing the shoe back out. Now leave it where it was at. This is like a real baseball game right now. It smells like salt and vinegar now up here. Oh, come on. You a damn lie. I flipped out on that shit. Uh-uh. All right. So much fun, LSH. Oh. Another, I mean, you are truly, you know, how long have you been on stand up again? Four years. Four years. And you're putting it

all together. You're taking that theater background and your natural likeability and you're just so fun every time. Here he is, the newest regular on the show, Alice H with his second ever performance. I'm so sorry. Wait, what? You want to talk more after that? Boy. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, my goodness. For my people and I'll tell you. You should be more like your shoes and get the fuck off the stage. No, I know, I know. Okay. Look, my last name, it sounds like a letter H, but the letter is A-Y-C-H. That's the whole thing. There you go. H. I just wanted to clear it up. I'm gonna get the fuck off the stage. There you go. Okay. Sorry. Follow him on Twitter. Follow him on Instagram. Follow him everywhere, except for when he's going to get shoes from his Nigerian

friend. And just let him be. No need to follow him. Should we give David Lucas a raise? Why? What do you mean? I don't get it. Period, hands together for your next comedian, Eric Clark. Eric Clark. Here we are. A beautiful Monday here in Austin, Texas. Winter is amongst us here. It finally got chilly this week. All right, here he is, everybody. Eric Clark. Hello, everyone. I like white women. That's my first joke. Thank you very much. I started this new diet the other day. It's called the Magic Diet. It consists of mushrooms and sorry. Hello, everyone. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you guys for taking my stand up virginity tonight. I only get 60 seconds, but it's okay because that's 10 times longer than I

lasted losing my actual virginity. And I'm sure like the girl who I lost it to, you guys will forget about me and I'll go home and cry. So thank you so much. All right, 48 seconds of thunder and lightning from Eric Clark. That was something that you tried your best. That's really your first time? Ever. Right. No, we believe it, Eric. Very blatant. Very, very, very, as blatant as it gets. How old are you? I am 26. 26. And what made you want to do this? Is this a thing you're planning on doing or is this the first of many times or are you just experimenting? I hope so. I hope I can, you know. I hope not. I really hope that you have a moment of clarity here tonight and realize that this might not be for you. Now, 26, but why, why, why? Who told

you to do this? No one. Okay. What made you want to do it? So I grew up in New Hampshire and no one really comes out of there except Adam Sandler, who I'm a big fan of. Right. He kind of inspired me a little bit. Oh, no. Oh, no, you're nothing like Adam Sandler. I'll stand by the Sandman, dude. I don't give a shit. Whoa. Jesus Christ. Eric, what do you do for work? So I'm in between jobs, but I got an interview on Thursday for card detailing. So do you know how to do that? Yeah. Wow. The crowd goes wild for some reason. A very basic job that is dominated by the Mexican people. Card detailing, but for some reason the crowd went wild. You've done that before? Yeah, I used to work for Enterprise or in a car doing the same thing. You were cleaning cars? Yep. Okay. Wow. Craziest

thing you ever found in a car while cleaning it that you kept? I found weed a bunch of times. Yep. Boy. No, we used to do it on purpose, right? Really, really, really hoping that you'd have a better answer than that. How about anything else? Ever find like a dildo or something? I found these like, you know, those like mallow beads that the hippies wear. Sure. And I took them because I thought they were cool, hung them up in my room. And the next day, my girlfriend at the time broke up with me. So I thought they were cursed. But I still have them. So I don't know. Are you sure they're not anal beads? Maybe. They were made out of wood. So I don't know if that would be comfortable. They're made out of wood. I think they are cursed after seeing your act tonight. I think they are

cursed for sure. I prepared for it. So okay, what do you like to do for fun? So I like martial arts. I do Muay Thai and jujitsu. Another one. Can we see can you show us because you seem very reserved. I'm very excited to see what the fuck you're talking about. Can you do like a 20, 30 seconds of shadow boxing for us or something like that? How many you want to see that right now? Here we go. Here's Eric Clark showing us his many years. Get the fuck away from the microphone and start throwing punches. Lord knows whatever you're about to say is not funny. So just fucking do something, Eric. Fucking anything. Okay. Okay. Whoa. Oh, shit. Wow. Okay. So you took like some like women's self defense classes or something like that. It's more fun, man. You're like one of those

guys that like says he could kill people and like but they have to like do everything your way like no you've got the gun. No, I get the I train with people who actually fight. I've never been in like an actual you've never been in an actual fight street fights. Yes, but not like street fight. How many you think I should beat the shit out of this guy right now? You ever train? Have you ever trained? Dude, I'm from Youngstown, Ohio. I don't even need to train bro. What the fuck you know. Train. Fucking type of train. You look like you just do choo choo train, my friend. Yeah, no, I don't know. Okay, Eric, your love life. What's that like? Seem like the kind of guy that flirts but can't close. Go ahead. You tell us though. Am I right? That third eye's open

to yours, man. Yep. Absolutely. That's my butthole. Actually, that's a I have a butt plug in right now. I didn't tell anybody about it. We see the tail. It's the first time I've worn a butt plug during this show and let me tell you, it is quite the experience. Every time you guys laugh, my seat vibrates a little bit and I get a little tingle. That's why it's always happened right in the middle of my soul. You notice tonight I'm doing a lot of this because the butt plug is there. Okie dokie. Every once in a while, it's been almost nine years we've been doing this show. You have to try different things and sometimes they don't. Backfire. Okay. Eric, tell us something interesting about your life. Have you ever been arrested? You seem like a guy that's

fucking jumped over a fence once or twice. I have evaded the cops a few times. Never been arrested. You say evaded like you were rollerblading or something like that. Like you like evaded them. Were you running from them? Just like a few like house parties, the cops show up, everyone fucking runs out. You know what I'm I was one of those people. Wow. So you've never been arrested? Never. Never. What kind of car do you have? I have a Kia. Sorento? Forte. Whoa. Hell yeah. Well that is the only Forte that you have actually, so that's pretty good. Alright. God, these people are boring as shit tonight. This is incredible. Our guest still

isn't here. Yeah, what the fuck? What a nightmare. There goes Eric Clark, everybody. Eric Clark. Here, Eric, take one of these. Thank you guys. Right here. We love you, Eric. It's good. For the first time that was horrible, but it's okay. A fun fact, because I've been doing this a very long time, 15 years now, is that, and there's no way for you guys to know this, but about, I would say about 15 to 30% of all first time comedians, first sets, they reference about how the set is so short, how they, it's like how they lost their virginity. There's a weird thing where everybody thinks that they wrote that joke during their first set. It's a high percentage if you think about it. Your butt plug fell out, dude. It's all red band. Red band. Oh, it's a giant thing. What even is that?

Okay. Red band doing physical comedy here tonight, folks. Shout out to the Vulcan staff for pouring him doubles all night. Thank you so much. He thought that that would be funny. My butt plug fell out. It was a giant, giant roll. Brayden Kerrigan is next. Brayden Kerrigan. We know a Kerrigan. Okay. Brayden Kerrigan jogging his way up here. Very exciting. Here he is. One more time for Brayden Kerrigan. What the fuck is up, Austin? Yo, I got to hear a census for you dirty hippies. Any of you here like to fuck outside? Anybody? Yeah, my people. That's my people. All right. I'm telling you guys, if you haven't experienced this, it's never getting like stale in the bedroom with the mister or the misses. Take it to the great outdoors, okay? Or at least out back if you got a yard.

That works too. That works too. People think this is just like a summertime activity. I know it's chilly right now, but if you've never had like a cool, crisp, January breeze on your taint while you're making love, you don't know what you're missing, all right? It's not gay gentlemen. It's not even a finger. It's just a wind, all right? Let Mother Nature kiss up on that booty hole one time. You might surprise yourself, all right? You might surprise yourself, okay? Yeah, I don't know. Like, you don't, you don't have to have a partner either. If you're lonely and you're jerking it, you're jacking it, or you're gilling it, don't disrespect yourself and do it in your dirty apartment watching some weird porn, go find a sunset, okay? Make an afternoon out of it.

Take a hike, lay out a blanket, get some wine, and just let your seed flow into the river with the fish. Send that nut downstream, baby. No cleanup. No cleanup. I had an ex-girlfriend. She was like a super hippie. We're finishing. All right, all right. He went along, everybody. Braden, let's talk about it. How are you? Grab that microphone. Yeah, I'm doing good, bro. How are you? How are you? How long have you been on stand-up, Braden? Like four years, man. Four years? Oh, God. I know, I know. I thought for sure. This is two first timers in a row here. I know. I started when I was young. I was a little bit, you know, stupid. You just went here tonight. You just talked the whole time, didn't you? You didn't really know timing or beats. Just

This is true. Wow. Incredible. Yeah, I gotta write short jokes. Short jokes. Short jokes. Okay, Braden, four years. Where have you been doing it for four years? Arizona. I started. I was in Seattle for like four years, and then I missed like a year and a half with the pandemic. Now I'm in Massachusetts. I'm just visiting from Boston right now. Oh, you live in Boston. I live like 30 minutes outside. How often do you perform in Boston? Right? Like 20 times in the last two weeks. I don't know. Wow. I know. Yeah, that's good. That is about right. 20 times in the last two weeks is a lot. Do they normally goes better when it's a big sold out crowd like this? Yeah. No, I did 20 minutes on like, like Tuesday in Manchester and it was

good. 20 minutes. That's what I'm saying. I tried to compress it into the minute. It didn't work, did it? No. That's not, that's not really. Thank you. No. Holy shit. He's saying he said who the fuck want to jack off in the cold? Wow. Braden, what do you do for a living? Oh, I just got a job at a dispensary in Massachusetts. Oh, wow. Yeah, it kind of sucks. I used to sell weed, but now I just pay taxes on it. So it's kind of bullshit. And it's like 17 an hour. So it's no good, but you know, it is what it is. All right. Well, how long have you been doing that for? I literally just got the job the other day. What job did you have before this job? I worked in restaurants for a minute and then I was just like kicking it during the pandemic, like, you know, sell a little mushrooms

on the side. I don't know if we can say that, but yeah, we can say that. So yeah, I worked in restaurants my whole life. Can you say it? Yeah, we can say it. Statute of limitations, right? I don't know. You talk when you're nervous. Third eye. Yeah, yeah, I hear you, that butthole. What is this third eye thing that's happening here? No, it's common sense. No, this is true. It's no magical thing that I'm doing. I'm watching you nervously talk. All right, everybody. Yeah, D-Mandis doesn't even have one good eye. Let's stop talking about third eyes up here. We're making him jealous up here. This is depressing. Braden, tell me about your life. Tell me something interesting about you,

because you seem like you seem like you, you know, the kind of guy that does the lives in Massachusetts. This is what Massachusetts it's like. No, I'm from the West Coast. I was born in Arizona. I grew up in Arizona a lot and like I'm just saying you're boring and white. Fair enough. So tell me something interesting about you. What's something a redeeming quality that'll make us all fall in love with you? The redeeming quality I got. Let me see. Yeah, that's my redeeming quality right there. This awkward silence. No, I would say I do better with, I do better intimate, intimate conversations. Fucking Christ. Braden Kerrigan, you are like an old timey fucking throwback. I'm feeling myself right now,

you guys. Well, I'm glad you are because none of us are. Oh shit, D-Mandis is pissed. D-Mandis is pissed. Okay, you want the most interesting thing about my life right now? What? You want the most interesting thing going on right now? I asked you that three fucking minutes ago, Braden. All right. All right. All right. All right. What is this fucking school shooter edition of Kill Tony we're doing here? It's fucking mental health problems around America. I'm just visiting from Massachusetts. It's good to be here. I'm really excited and I'm really feeling myself. Fuck up. Welcome to Texas. We do things a little bit fucking slower here, Braden. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. That'll be the part that they fucking clip.

No. All right. I hate you. Respect. What's the redeeming quality? Come on. What's the interesting thing? Give us. It's not redeeming, but the interesting thing in my life. I don't know. I had like a recurring double date where we would go bowling and do ketamine for like the last eight months, but then the girl moved the girl moved to Costa Rica. So now I'm just trying to get my life. It's ketamine. No, we figured it out. It's not ketamine. That's what I need. Anybody hit me up after the show. Austin. All right. Wow. This is a real thing that I have noticed. I have noticed and I've only learned this recently because I'm not I'm surprisingly not a big drug guy. I'm like really a loyalist to alcohol and marijuana, but I do have a ton of friends

that are into a ton of different things. And I have noticed that the ketamine people, except for a very few rare cases, tend to be the ones that are the least interesting people. Fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah. You gotta have somebody sign your tits or something. I showed up to yeah. I showed up to a buddy's party a few weeks ago and ketamine was like basically on the menu and it was just the dumbest fucking most boring people I've ever seen in my entire life, just standing around being boring. It's like a challenge of like to have an actual conversation. Like that's the that's the whole thing. Yeah. That's what I've been saying since you got up here about you. That's exactly it. I'm glad I just did a fucking Jedi mind trick and got you to say it.

Brayden Kerrigan. There he goes. We're going to get another human being up here. Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden, Brayden. Take that. There he goes. All right. Back to the bucket we go. I think we should just we started a little late. Let's maybe we'll get a girl naturally. Let's see what happens here. All right. Colin Shoemaker. Let's see if this could be it is the the name says white and boring. So we will see what happens here on this incredibly white and boring episode of Kill Tony. Colin Shoemaker is one of the last names you would want to see in that situation. And here he comes. One more time for Colin Shoemaker. I had sex with a paraplegic girl.

Legal consenting adult. All right. I promise she couldn't run away if she tried though. But she was really hot. Like she was so hot that if she could walk she'd never talk to me. But yeah. So you know, we get back to her place, right? She starts sucking my dick a little bit. And then she throws her legs to the side. Oh, shit, this is going to happen, right? And then she's like, I actually can't feel anything in my vagina at all. And I hate so I hate foreplay. She's like, I'd prefer it if you just fucked me in the ass. And I was like, dude, you want me to skip the foreplay and fuck you in the ass? How'd you break your legs? Would you fall from heaven? Yes.

A joke. Set up. Punchline. It's almost a shocking relief at this hour. We were really running on steam there. We got lucky to get Colin Shoemaker. Look at you. I like your style. You're shaped like a fucking, I don't know what, some type of like reverse hourglass or something like that. You get big. It was strangely in the hips or something. You have giant hips. Am I seeing this right? I do. Do you have like extremely? Did you like used to be super fat? Not super fat. Are you sure? Positive. You have the hips of a man that was super fat. Look at those almost red band like thighs, but you have my thighs are better

than that. Somehow. Very good. Thank you so much for that. Red banished thighs. Somehow you have the forearms of me. Nothing makes sense here. Why are you shaped like that? I don't know. Oh no. I don't know. I'm sorry. Wow. Colin, where are you from? Pennsylvania. That's it. That's it. This is what people are shaped like in Pennsylvania. It is. Now that I look, it's a very Shane Gillis type of build. Not exactly fat, but not exactly not frumpy. You know what I mean? It's like you eat a lot of salt water taffy for nothing. Yeah. Or just a lot of salt. Okay. Let's talk about it. Is it you still live in PA or you live here now? No, I live in Salt Lake City. I actually got tickets to your show. Yeah. I've been doing stand up for three years. I've actually been on

Kiltony twice. Really? Oh, when you're in LA. Okay. I lived in LA for a year. What happened on those episodes? What were some highlights? Fucking crotch. I believe that you did. Fucking crotch. I love. I love that paraplegic joke with all my heart. Thank you. It's a wonderful, wonderful. Did you have different hair or did you have a hat on the last two times? I have much longer hair and more of it. I don't know. I was also what you would call very fat apparently at the time. Yes, indeed. Morbid Leo Beats is another word to describe it. You do. You have the build of a guy that just lost like 300 pounds. You guys know what I'm talking about? Like for some reason, the hips never change. The hips grow, but you can't like lose it. Either that or your clothes

don't fit properly or something. Something's off. It's missing a hoodie. Looks like your jeans are on backwards or something like that. This is like in. It's like in space balls when Rick Moranis gets like twisted or Mel Brooks does. He's crisscrossing Albert Brooks. Mel Brooks. Yeah. All right. What do you do for work? I work at Ford. Whoa. We're going forward. That's right. As a technician. Wow. What do you do? You're a technician for Ford. Yeah. I'm going through the VA program. I was in the military. What branch of the military were you in Air Force? Wow. Okay. Oh, people booing the American Air Force in the audience just when it's when a room can't get any sadder. It's a this is what we are doing now is booing the people defending our freedom. It's

Navy Boys. Yeah. Yeah. Who the fuck booed that? Oh, army. There's a chick that'll suck your cock right up there. Look at that. So Air Force. What did you do in the Air Force? I worked on nuclear missiles. You're what? I worked on nuclear missiles. Okay. Powerful. We're looking good. We're strong. Yeah. The Union is good. Yeah. Why not? Hell yeah. It's not totally collapsing or anything. Wow. Great. My goodness. Okay. And how about for fun? What types of things are you into? You look like you have the hips of somebody that uses their hips for something. I go to the gym a lot. No, you don't. No, you don't. You're doing the wrong things. You need to do whatever you haven't been doing. He's just doing squats and things that I do. Yeah. I'm focused on the most

misshapen humans I've ever seen in my life. And we have a lot of fat people that come on this show, but there's something about your build in particular. I would have guessed you. It's been a long time since you've been to the gym. What do you do when you go to the gym? Squats only. Just some type of. I do a lot of good mornings. That's how I got this ass. What's good mornings? You like put the the. Oh yeah, you do. That'll do it. Even D madness knows something went. I don't know if you guys saw that, but when he bent over, he D madness was like no. And like it just goes to show. No, I'm going to come completely in touch with everything that's happening up here. Like he knew something bad was happening right in front of him. That is incredible.

Yes. D madness is using his sonar to know when Colin is doing something stupid. There it is. You can actually hear it if it's quiet enough and Lord knows this episode. It has been quite enough to hear it. So no, I love it. The D madness sonar. All right. I'll kidoke you. Colin, what's something interesting that's happened in your life since the last time you were on the show in Los Angeles? Hmm. Man, hang on. Give me a second. Well, last thing interesting that happened to me like, you know, I could be anything. Well, I moved to Salt Lake and then within like a week of getting there, I buttfucked a girl on the first date. Really? A normal girl or is this paraplegic? Come on. She would know normal. Well, normal

compared to the paraplegic, but definitely not normal. Right the fuck. Yeah. How did you get? How did you get to go straight to fucking home plate like that? Or actually, I guess the dugout is what. I know it's a different show that has two fart. I'll play it. I'll edit out. Save it for your virtual reality show. You play all the fart noises you want over there. I matched with her on Tinder at like two o'clock and then, you know, I took out for ice cream, you know, something non-threatening and then. Fuck yeah. Chocolate. Dairy free. And I was in my friend's Corolla and I swear to Christ, this thing had roaches in it.

Wait, wait. You said what about roaches in a Corolla? Oh, my buddy, my buddy let me borrow his car because I didn't have one at the time and it had like, I mean, it looked like somebody was like murdered in there. There was like slashes and all the top of the. And there was roaches in it or there were there were roaches for sure. A lie. There was an roach infestation in a car. Yeah. Oh my fucking God. Yeah. Wow. He doesn't take care of his car. Wow. Well, these are the people that you keep around his friends. That's right. And I'll tell you what, I was in the car and I took her to get ice cream and then we would stop by her. You know, we stopped by this little park area and then park park area. Hell yeah. And then she was like, hey, you should fuck me in

the ass. And I was like in the park in the car in in the car in the car at a park. Yeah. Infested with roaches. It was pretty. You saw roaches. It was honestly rock bottom for me. I'll be honest. Did the roaches come out of her ass? No, no rock bottom is the last place you want to be when anal is happening. That usually means you're the one getting fucked. So you're in a park. Are you sitting on the driver's side or the passenger side? Driver's side initially. And what's the plan here? Do you guys go to the back seat? You go out of the car. She sits, scoots her actual asshole right on top of you. She laid. We laid the passenger seat down. Oh, nothing better than romantic anal at a park. That's right. Did you light a candle too? This is incredible.

And that's it. Then I went in the pooper. That's it. Are you talking, you mean like on the side? Are you like over the? Oh, yeah. Did you get on top of her and like you're facing the back seat? Yeah, I'm facing I'm facing the back seat and she's on her belly on the passenger seat. That's right. Wow. And did she have any lubrication or anything like that? Did you catch up packet laying in the car or something? Just some spit. Did it go any easy? Like, could it have been a guy easy? What red band? You just ask the one question. You ask one question and then you see what happens. Did it go in easy? No, first question. No, no. So what did you do? How did you get it in there? I kind of just power and hope by the sounds of the cinematic music happening. I think that

this is the story of a man dealing with a dry asshole. I jerk. I jerk my dick off a little more to get it even more hard. And then I spit on it a bunch more to try and and then it went in. It's beautiful. The American dream anal in a park. The red, white and brown. Hey, I've turned my life around since then. All right. I've turned my life around since then. No more. Turn your life around. What are we talking about? Reverse cowgirl. I've turned my life around. Now the girl faces me and I put it in her bed. Wow. A lot of anal in your life, huh, Colin? A little bit. Just a little bit. All right. Well, fun times. I'm glad you were here. That was good. Good interview. Great set. Have a big joke book. Congratulations. Rock and roll. Come back again.

Keep signing up. Very funny. Come on. One more time for Colin Shoemaker. In my opinion, what has to be the joke of the night with the... Yeah. We didn't get a girl up here. Should we pull to get a female comedian up here tonight? All right. Let's see what happens here. Sorry, Ben. Oh, here's one. We know this young lady. Make some noise for her from New York. She now lives here in Austin. The very funny Leonardo Joni, everyone. Here we go. A brand new minute from Leonardo Joni. You know, last time she was called, she was in here. And I feel like this is happening again. Leonardo? Is she not here? You guys seeing movement anywhere?

Pointing over that. Here she is. Leonardo Joni. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Leonardo Joni. Sup, everybody. I am getting old. I know I'm getting old because the cat calls have stopped. Ladies, you don't miss those days until they're gone. Let me tell you. Well, some of you are ugly, so you don't know what I'm talking about. But that's on you. Yeah, but I remember when they stopped, I was walking down the street and I passed this white dude and he didn't say anything. And I was like, yeah, you know, he's probably gay. But then I passed a Mexican dude and he didn't say anything. And I was like, uh-oh.

I guess I really don't look 13 anymore, huh? Women, we only get a short window of time, right? But for dudes, it's the opposite. The older they get, the more we want them. It's like we can smell the resources on them. That one's got a retirement package. Fuck it. Oh, Leonardo Joni. Welcome back, Leonardo. Indeed, another always consistently funny. You're a real comedian, though. You were in New York for a while doing it. How long have you been doing stand-up now? It'll be three years in April. Three years. And you started in New York and now you live here? Are you going back and forth?

No, I live here. I go back when I want to remember why I don't live there anymore. Right. Yeah. Yeah. What is it about that place right now? I mean, I know what it is, but I want to know if you- I mean, it's basically- I have the same thing in common. It's like a bunch of communists, so I'm like- Yeah. Yeah. Tell me. Yeah. I mean, I had my- my neighbor knocked on my door at midnight. Yeah. And he was like drunk off his ass. He's like six-two. He's like, why don't you guys wear masks? And I was like, don't you have some dude to go fuck? Like- Right. He's gay. That's the- Yeah. Yeah. Gay guys are interesting. They love masks,

hate condoms. It's the weirdest thing. It doesn't make any sense. It's backwards, but backwards is how they like some things. Leonardo, what do you do for work? How do you make money? I'm an LSAT tutor for law school. Oh, wow. Geez, Louise. That seems like a- you have to be pretty smart for a job like that, right? Yeah. You take the test yourself, ever? I did. I took the test right out of college, scored it in 98th percentile, and then I started tutoring people.

Wow. Just stuck it out with that ever since. Yeah. I didn't want to go to law school. Right. Seemed like a bad idea. Yeah. Seems boring, right? So now I help people go to law school. It's interesting. The guidance counselor of law. Kind of. Yeah. What's been going on? You have a boyfriend. We remember you have a big, beautiful black

boyfriend. Is that correct? Yeah. That's correct. Good photographer. You remind everyone every time I come up here. Yeah. Yeah, he's a good photographer. He's been taking pictures, shooting stuff. Uh-huh. That's what black people do. What? With cameras. They shoot things.

Cameras. Only cameras. Oh, sorry, D-Madness. I thought he wasn't listening. I thought he was sleeping for a second. I missed so much. You saw that. You silly motherfucker. And he's doing good. You guys are doing good. Yeah. You guys love Austin, Texas.

Yeah. Yeah. He definitely loves it. Hardcore loves it. What are some things fun around town? Like, I went and saw an amazing band perform. The Ellis Buford Band at White Horse last week. A really cool rock venue. There's all these cool music places. So many cool things to do in Austin. What do you guys do?

Well, he went and saw some band yesterday, but I'm not into music anymore. You're not into music anymore? I know. Sorry. Sorry, guys. Oh, my goodness. I just saw D-Madness' boner go away. I mean, hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Not excluding this band. How can you not be into music anymore?

I mean, I used to be really into, like, 90s R&B. You know, so R&B's my jam, but now it's just like, pussy, pussy, pussy, dick, dick, put your pussy on my dick. Wow. Geez. Sorry, Karen. Oh, my God. Wow. Pussy, pussy, dick, dick. That sounds like a fucking hit to me. Do you remember the last time you asked to speak to a manager?

No, I'm not that person. You're not? I'm not. I'm the person who's, like, getting into a fight. That's me. But not, like, because I'm talking to your manager, because I'm like, I'm going to fuck you up, you know? Whoa. But I'm trying to take her down.

When's the last time you got into a fight? A little while ago in a bar, I got in a bar fight. How did that happen? Well, what's the order of events there? What happened first? So I was in the bathroom taking a quick piss. I'm very fast and... Sounds like a shit to me.

Very, very fast pee. It was the urination ifth. I was in there for 30 seconds. That's all I did for sure. Diarrhea, girl. Yeah. If Red Band didn't use two fart noises tonight, I'd be... I can't do anything.

It's not allowed. But I am... It was 30 seconds. That's a fun one. Squeezed fart, that's called. There's gentle fart. That is gentle. This is quick fart.

Wow. Yep, no doubt about it. That is a quick fart. One more time for those of you that missed it. Incredible. If you blink, you will miss that fart. Here's a sustained fart. This is Red Band's entire world right here.

I love this so much. This is literally what Red Band's... Have you ever seen him do stand-up? This is his set list, everybody. This right here is a two-tone fart. Here we go. That's three. That's it.

That is good. Pussy, pussy, dick, dick. Pussy, pussy, dick, dick, dick, dick, pussy, pussy. And then, of course, you can't have a fart soundboard without your classic old wet fart, everybody. There you go. Yeah, welcome to the least mature episode of Kill Tony

we've ever done. This is a child's play here today. You know your guests didn't show up when you go through the whole fart board for the first time in nine years. Oh, I forgot that one, didn't I? This is your good old standard fart. It's the one at the top.

I missed it. Here we go. That is not... That is not a standard fart. He's saying that. Who's standard? That's your standard fart. I have a milk allergy.

That's not my standard fart. It's embarrassing. My farts are silent. It's embarrassing. I don't have the adequate amount of butt cheeks to make a sound. My farts are more silent than Kamala Harris on the border situation.

So if you're wondering how silent, it's pretty much complete fucking silence. Democrat dogs here. Meanwhile, the Rio Grande River looks like Barton Springs on a Saturday afternoon. These people back stroking to America, the greatest country in the history of the planet, Michael Gonzalez.

All right. Leonardo, so much fun. Leonardo, love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Whoa, Leonardo is on the actual stand-up comedy show on Thursday now. Just so you know, Tony, we have two different words for fart in Albanian. Yeah, what are they?

One is for when it's the deadly silent type, and one is when it's just loud. So if it's loud... Okay, red band. Stop it, you son of a bitch. Get it out of there. Okay, that is enough. If it's loud, it's a porth.

And if it's a silent one, it's a fan. Wow. We need to distinguish, so just so you know. Wow. Yeah, it's totally irrelevant, but now everybody knows that. There you go. Learn something new, the more you know.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is the stylings of Leonardo Joni. She's doing Thursday. You know who else is probably doing Thursday? A guy that I do it with almost every single fucking Thursday. We work out new material on Thursdays here at Balkan. This guy, a regular. Your final regular of the night. Your final comedian of the night.

An absolute legend on the show. It's the longest standing ever regular in the history of the show. Literally, nobody has killed Tony ever. Like this man has killed Tony. He is the big red machine. The one and only, William Montgomery. Here we go.

Hey, red band. Do the fart noise that Janice's pussy makes when we're fucking in y'all's bedroom, you bitch. Bad week for entertainment this week. We lost two big stars. Meatloaf died and then Louis Anderson tried to eat them. I recently got into foreign films. Last night I watched Aladdin.

The other day I got on rap genius and looked up the lyrics to the ABCs. This whole time I've been searing EFG. Whoa, I was thinking that was gonna go best out of all these tonight. My New Year's resolution is to use the internet less because I lost my thousand hours of free AOLCD. I'm also thinking that would go better.

Washington DC is about to get a new professional lacrosse team. To be more inclusive and reflect all lacrosse fans, they'll be named the Washington Whiteskins. Okay, that's it. One minute, nine seconds from the great. The vanilla gorilla, the big red machine. We've seen this before, the Tennessee Titan. How are you, William?

What's going on this week with you? Doing good. I made a really good, towards the end of last week, a really good spicy 15 bean soup. Oh wow, yes. For those of you that don't know, William recently got a crock pot and has been eating exclusively soup.

Him and his girlfriend keep just making soup, breakfast, lunch, and fucking dinner, breakfast soup, and fucking this soup and that soup. Tell us more about the soups that you have this week. Yeah, so it was a spicy... How excited are you about this soup thing? I'm honestly very excited. It's been sort of a life changer for me

just making these soups out of the crock pot. I don't know who the fuck is talking over there, but you need to shut the fuck up. Tonight, I have a gun literally in my jacket pocket. Whoa, this is the first time we've... So don't fuck with me tonight! We've heard of these unlicensed weapons that William has been gathering.

He's been talking about it the last few weeks, but normally you say that they're in the trunk of your car. Normally I leave him in the trunk. I thought I could fucking bring him tonight. This week, you went one step further, huh? You're fucking, you brought him into a venue that serves alcohol with you. Yep, I don't really give a shit anymore.

I literally, I was attempting to make the 15 bean spicy chili. I fucking could only find like 12 of the beans. I couldn't fucking... Oh. It didn't really sort of threw a wrench in my plans. Wow. If you needed an extra bean, you should have just invited Michael Gonzalez over.

That's a Hispanic joke, Michael. Yes. Nobody puts a wrench in plans quite like a Mexican. That's what I've always said. Yeah. So William, you had some bean soup. You had what appears to be 12 or 13 bean soup. And what other soups have you had this week?

Name some of that. You love soup. Shit, I had two nights. I had a really good spicy bean chicken tortilla. I had two nights. I had a really good spicy bean chicken tortilla soup. Wow, still a lot of beans in this. I also had a pea soup. That one took like a day to prepare.

It was a whole bunch of peas in there. Wow, pea soup. Who made that, R. Kelly? Yeah. This is one time, just for this night, Austin, Texas. It's just us. It's just me and you. I'm kidding. No chance in hell. I love it. So William, can you name a few more soups?

Yeah, I mean, I also had an Italian wedding soup. That one was pretty good. I also made a classic chicken noodle soup. One of the nights, one of the nights I made a macaroni. It's kind of like a macaroni soup. I put too much milk in the macaroni. So it was like a macaroni soup. Had that a couple nights. That was really good.

A macaroni. Yeah, it was like a macaroni. Yeah, I was just making the regular macaroni and then I fucking, I'm such a clumsy person. I poured way too much milk in there. It turned into like a macaroni soup. Macaroni soup. Wow, I do believe that's what they serve in hell.

So William, you've been eating a lot of soup. We get it. What are your bathroom appearances like? Quite frankly, I've not doodled in three days. Which doesn't make a lot of sense. I mean, these... I think it does. I think you're eating so much soup

that you're just peeing everything out now. It's a liquid. Like how would it even become a salt? Something's going on. It literally, it's scaring me to death. I haven't taken a shit in three fucking days. And they're like, when you pee, do you see like pepper and meatballs and stuff coming out?

Even I couldn't keep a straight face on that one. This is such an immature episode of the show. Hey, William, when you pee, do meatballs come out? What? Like I heard myself say that. Yeah, there were some lima beans that came out after... That was one of the beans I was able to find. I did lima beans that they were coming out of my thing.

It was the weirdest sensation. And I'm literally, I'm just trying to shit. And I swear to God, my stomach's hurt. It hurts right now. It's hard as a fucking rock. Bucket up here and William should take his first shit in three days in front of all of us. Tony, I'm not kidding.

I can't shit right now. Please don't make fun of it. I literally, I can't do it right now. I couldn't if I wanted to. Tell these people how bad you wish that you could shit. You're a very passionate guy. I wish more than anything. I could take a shit right now, but I fucking can't.

That's one of the reasons I brought a gun up here tonight. I'm gonna fucking end it all if I can't shit. I'm sick of it. I'm not kidding about that. It is a horrible nightmare world is my reality right now. I literally, I don't know what to do. Are you still doing the printers? Shut the fuck up, dumbass.

Shut the fuck up. Are you still doing the printer? Stop it. You sound so fucking stupid when you do that. It is incredible. I'm so excited to get an update on this poop thing of yours because I can't imagine a guy like you not pooping for three days. It's weird.

Much like the gun in your pocket. You are fully loaded right now. I am. My stomach is hard as a fucking rock right now. Really? Yeah, it's hard as a rock. Can I touch it? Yeah.

It actually isn't anywhere near as hard as I thought it would be. It's incredibly soft. In fact, if I knew nothing about you and I felt your belly, I'd be like, have you only eaten soup for three weeks in a row? That actually felt like a water bed or something like that. That is the opposite. I thought you were going to go along with that. I thought you were going to give me some street cred.

Oh yeah, hard as a rock over here. I was trying to flex my stomach when you did that. Yes, hard as a rock made of water. Oh shit. All right, William. Well, what else? Anything else that we're missing? On Wednesday, I did my first set of 15 minutes without my note card.

This is a big breakthrough. It took me since fucking 2007 to do 15 minutes without a fucking note card. Hey, I just got a text. Our guest whose flight was delayed just landed in Austin. Everybody. Yeah. What do you guys think? Should we keep it going until he gets here?

Yeah. Yeah. That's how evil I am is that I would even say that to you. There's no chance of that happening, but you win some, you lose some. You went to a big, crazy live show tonight. You guys have fun here tonight? How about one more time for the great William Montgomery, everybody? There he goes.

The man, the myth, the legend. He's out there selling out shows, headlining his own shows. I mean, it's absolutely incredible. Selling out everywhere. Brand new drawing from Ryan Jebel, available at ryanjebel.com. Merch is about to go up in the corner over there for anybody that wants a little souvenir or something. And we did it again. How about a hand for the best fucking band in the land, The Kill Tony?

Bam. Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums right there. This is Matt Mueling on guitar right behind me. John Dee's on the keyboard. And how about one more time for my pal, D-Madness. All right. The official Kill Tony after party starts now.

Thank you all for coming out. We'll see you again next week. Good night, everybody. Thanks, guys. Thank you. you