KILL TONY - #544 - DAVE SMITH

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

Dave Smith, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, Ellis Aych, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/31/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:DRAFT KINGS! – Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now, use promo code KILLTONY, and get FIFTY SIX TO ONE ODDS on any NFL team. Bet just FIVE DOLLARS and win TWO HUNDRED EIGHTY IN FREE BETS if your team wins. That’s promo codeKILLTONY at DraftKings Sportsbook — an Official Sports Betting Partner of theNFL.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road, and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

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Holland, Michigan, the 25th of February, Grand Rapids, the 26th, Raleigh, North Carolina, March 11th and 12th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I'm back with you again. It's been a while. April 8th and 9th, Miami, Florida, April 21st to the 23rd, Phoenix, May 5th to the 7th, Salt Lake City, Wise Guys, one of the best clubs in the world, May 20th and 21st. And more dates are being added regularly. Get tickets at TonyHinchCliff.com. Hey, y'all. The moment we've been waiting for since September is finally here. In honor of the big game, Draft King Sports Book, an official sports betting partner of Super Bowl 56, is giving new customers 56 to 1 odds on either team.

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Beautiful. Every single week, I have an amazing guest on this week. No different. I'm very, very excited that this man is in town. One of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians, Legion of Skanks, future US president, Dave Smith, everybody is here. Hell yeah, play some fucking music. Where the, where is the band?

There you go. Hell yeah. Thank you. Yikes. Welcome. Welcome. Dave Smith is here. What's up?

How are you? What's up everybody? How are you? This is fucking, this is incredible. This is the coolest Kill Tony venue yet. This is awesome. This is it. We came to Austin and we fucking leveled up a bunch.

Being canceled is treating you well. Hell yeah. This is it. I got to start shitting on Asians more. It's true. It's true. Stay loyal to Joe Rogan and shit on everybody else. It is a perfect business model.

And Pfizer. Yeah. Welcome back to the show, Dave. This is the first time I've ever been lucky enough to have you on solo. Normally you're with the whole fucking Legion of Skanks, all these gobbledy gooks out there, those high energy guys. We get to spend this evening with you, the brains, the backbone. Yeah.

Those guys are racist and it's not cool. You know how I feel. I'm just trying to distance myself from them. You know how I feel about that. Yeah. We're going to have a lot of fun here tonight. We're going to watch comedians do comedy, or at least try to.

I got a bunch of names in this bucket. If I pull their name out, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten? That means they have to wrap it up then or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear. Sounds like that. So it's annoying sound, so they have to respect their times. And then I interview them and we talk to them afterwards.

You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? This is it. Guys, nobody does Mondays like us here in Texas. So you guys ready to start this fucking episode tonight? There you go. Going up first tonight, we're going to do a regular instead of a bucket pull before we meet somebody new. Let's go with a brand new local fucking legend on this show.

This guy kills with a brand new minute every single week. Always fun to find more about his life. Find out more about his life. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Hans Kim! Hey, what's up guys? I think when liberal people say that they're street smart, what that usually means is that they're good at ignoring black people in public. Don't make eye contact, Timmy.

You might make a human connection. You think people who play music out loud in public have ever crossed paths with each other? You think they've ever been like, man, that guy's annoying. Wait a minute. Have I been annoying this whole time? A lot of people make fun of Asians for having small eyes. The reason why we have small eyes is because we have an extra layer of skin over our eyeballs

to insulate it from the cold. So if we were to ever go camping, my eyes would be nice and warm. And I could watch as your vitreous fluid would freeze and expand and explode inside your Caucasian eyeball. Thank you. Hans Kim, doing it again. Here he is. Someone went to Kohl's before this.

Look at that shirt, huh? That's brand new. What the fuck is that, dude? Where the hell did you get that at, Hans? I know new Hans clothes when I see it. This is a new from Kohl's. You actually guessed it correctly. No way.

That's impossible. I returned my Amazon merchandise and then I had to go to Kohl's and I was like, hey, they got nice clothes. That's the fucking lily. Why'd you return an Amazon merchandise? I was just buying a mic to record a podcast and then I was done with a podcast so I just returned it. Wow, look at that.

This guy, thrifty, thrifty little Asian you are. Hell yeah. Is that true about the eyes? Is that true about Asian eyes? I think it's a Mongol thing. That last part was a legit science lesson. I think so. You think so?

No. What do you, Anthony Fauci? What the fuck do you mean you think so? You're going to talk about science. You have to sort of fucking have something to cite. Well, I thought it was true. I felt like it was true. This is very suspicious.

Somehow that's more racist about Asians than anything I've ever said or done in my entire life. But I guess you can get away with it. So where's the origin of you knowing this? Is it like Google told you or like your crazy grandma? I think I looked it up. I Googled it. Wikipedia maybe. Epicanthal folds.

Whoa. Damn, you got Asian real quick. Did you hear that? It's a word we've never heard before. Or maybe like Sex at Dawn or like Hardcore History. It felt very official the way I felt it come into my head. Is that such a problem in Asia that you guys had to evolve to avoid your freezing eyeballs? I guess so.

I mean, if you're up north, I mean, I guess Scandinavian people have big eyeballs. Yeah, your theory doesn't make any sense. Yeah, we're looking at it. It mentions a lot about Asian heritage and Down syndrome in the same paragraph. It's mostly on lizards. Okay. Hans, enough about your eyelids. Let's talk about life.

What have you been up to this week? What's going on? Always interesting to find out what's going on in the world of Hans, okay? I've been doing a lot of my Katan podcast, Settlers of Katan. I've been playing some basketball. It's a board game for nerds if you don't know everybody. He's a little bit autistic and thought that would be cool to mention at that part. How many hand jobs did you get this week, Hans?

That's what everybody wants to know. I got one hand job and I got, like, five full intercourses. Whoa! Wow. This is big. This is big. For people maybe you don't know, Dave, it's been a little dry spell for a while. I'll tell you, I think that's the perfect hand job to intercourse ratio.

Yeah, 100%. One to five. One dry hand job to five normal human intercourses. Some natural and animalistic. That's how it's supposed to go. Cavemen, by the way, never gave each other hand jobs. Cavemen and cavewomen just fucked a little fun fact for you. I mean, I know about as much as you do about Asian eyelids, but again, I'm just...

All right, so let's talk about this intercourse with the same girl that was only exclusively giving you hand jobs for weeks? No, this is the girl that gave me a hand job two weeks ago and then went to Detroit. Wow, I'm getting them all mixed up in my hand job head over here. Went to Detroit, came back and just started fucking you? Yeah. Wow. How did this start?

How did this happen? Well, she gave me a hand job. We connected via text message. She flew in. I picked her up in my van that I live in. And then we went to the house that I'm squatting in. Okay. And then we've been banging ever since.

Wow, is she here tonight? Probably. Really? Yeah. How bad is what she saw in Detroit that she came back and went, I got to start fucking that squatter. She's like, it's freezing up here. I wish I had more eyelid skin.

How many of you think this girl that's been fucking Hans should come up here and give him a big kiss? It's been a long time since we had a girl make out with Hans. It's been months. Hans, do you think she'll come down? Is she shy? She's going to come down. Yeah.

Look at this easy bitch. Let's do it. Whoa. Oh my God. Wow. Jesus Christ. Hans is out of his league. I love this.

Look at this. Wow. Holy shit. Look at that. That's a Detroit 11 right there. I don't know if you guys have ever been there, but oh shit. All right. Holy shit.

Looks like she's only been through a couple divorces. This is cool. I love it. I love it. What's your name, sweetheart? How are you? I'm good. My name is Elise.

Elise. Hell yeah. Nice to meet you, Rose. I bet. I love it. How long are you visiting Austin for? I'm going to be here until the third. Okay.

All right. And what's your favorite thing about making love with Hans Kim? It's very sensual. Oh hell yeah. He's just trying to not come. I know what he's doing. Wow. He makes love to me so slowly.

It's incredible. It's literally one pump a minute. It's amazing. He's such a romantic. It is. Fuck yeah. I love it. It's fun.

I love it. I love it. Does he have any special tricks in the bedroom? Does he specifically, that you notice that he's like a specialist at? Well, I can tell you appreciate that. Wow. You know? Oh my goodness.

I feel like that's important, you know? This is incredible. There's intimacy. There's appreciation. What gas station did you two meet at exactly? I don't know. I want to know the exact chevron. Not VP, I promise.

Wow. Where did you guys meet after one of these shows? Where could you say at the other creek in the cave, officially? Yeah, I did a show and she was on it and she told us stories. Oh, she does comedy? I do. Oh, no. I know.

Oh, that's the worst. I thought you were so cool. It's like, oh, she's just fucking Hans for the love of the game. Turns out now. How many do you think we should see 60 seconds from her right now? All right, let's do it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the kill Tony debut of a woman that is only here. It's solely for the reason of fucking Hans cam.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the debut of a lease. Everyone. Thank you. I'm really happy to be here. Yes, it is like fucking 10 inches of snow coming in. So that does suck, but I guess if I was to get pulled from the bucket because I did sign, this would be my minute spot. And I think you know what?

It's fucked up when you try to like recover and like get your credit together just for someone to steal it. It's fucked up really. Like I'm spending all this money and getting those numbers up to like 750. And then before you know it, I get that call like, hey, someone just bought your house and your name has a license and a new life out in France. It's like, what the fuck, man? And you know, to move on from that, what's great about being a criminal is that if someone

was to kill me, I wouldn't be Jane Doe. My fingerprints and my hair, all that's in the system. And I watch enough for forensic files to at least if I was to, you know, be raped or whatnot, I would hope to swallow the calm or at least scratch him to get some DNA. At least, ladies and gentlemen, that is exactly the quality of comedy that I expected. I mean, it's unbelievable. I think that Hans is the only funny bone that's ever been in your body. That's pretty exciting.

Wow. Oh, we activated a, oh, I hit, I hit the super bonus on now with the light guy. That's cool. Yeah, this is not how I expected to get here. Dave Smith, what do you think about what just happened? I don't know about you, but I very much enjoy seeing women in comedy fuck their way to the bottom. She earned exactly what she got, Tony.

I love it. Wow. I love it. You did comedy like Hans makes love. You took your time. That's for sure. We're still waiting for your first punchline right now. The set ended two minutes ago, so it's pretty exciting.

Do you perform a lot in Detroit? No, I don't. There's not a big scene. No. No, I bet that's how I could tell. I'm so doing this. I'm like not ready. I love it.

I love it. But I'm learning. But you're a good person. What are you good at? You have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of girl that could fucking tie a cherry into a knot or whatever. I mean, honestly, I'm a pretty big nerd. I like art and I like, you know, watching YouTube videos and dance on my off time.

Hell yeah. What a fucking cheap date this is. Look at this. Hans has it all figured out over here. I love it. I love it. Are you a stripper? I am.

Whoa. Look at Hans. Hold on. Hold on. Camel to the stage. Tony asked you what you're good at and if you have any special skills and you throughout I watch YouTube videos when you were sitting on on a stripper. How many do you think she should strip for us right now?

Okay. Well, I'm bad at dancing, but I can at least pop my butt. What'd you say? I'm pretty bad at dancing. I'm terrible. You know, the only thing I, you know, I, I'm used to, I don't know if you know this, but the two best strip clubs in the world just happen to be here in Austin, Texas, the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose.

I, I'm used to seeing the best strippers on the planet here. I, it's been a long time since I've seen a bad stripper. Let's see what that looks like. Let's see some bad stripping here. It hit the music part of it, Red Band. You can just, there you go. There you go. All right.

Very good. Perfect. Nothing better than 15 seconds. Wow. All right. Oh my goodness. This is the greatest show on planet earth, everybody. Wow.

Hell yeah. Oh my goodness. Wow. Elise. That's enough. That's enough. I don't want to, we're facing a pending lawsuit here. It appears.

This is incredible. My God. Now I know why her answer was watching YouTube videos. Wow. That is incredible. That was some bad stripping. You were correct. But again, I bet in Detroit, I bet you're just the fucking boss master up there, huh?

All right, Elise. I'm sick of you. Hans, grab the microphone. What are your guys' plans up until the third? What are you going to do with this girl? We're going horseback riding. Oh, look out. Other than that.

Hell yeah. Look at that. We're going to bone a lot. Wow. You're going to ride some horses and bone a lot. Very good. Either way, I feel like you're going to need ivermectin with this one. All right.

So much fun. Hans Kim, another brand new minute. I can't believe that this all happened. That was so much fun. There goes Elise and Hans Kim, everyone. Thank you, Tony. Back to their separate ways. Wow.

We're on pace for this to be the episode of the year already. Amy Schumer is leaving, but I'm telling you, I think that... I think we're going to have fun here tonight. All right, your first comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Nico Jordan, everyone. These people waited out in the rain all day for this. Nico Jordan making his way to the stage. Here he comes.

One more time for Nico, everybody. I lost my job recently. I was a substitute teacher. I was actually fired for not following COVID protocol. It's kind of bullshit, though. You know, you take your mask off for one second to spin the kid's face, and everyone freaks out. What am I supposed to do?

These deaf kids don't listen. Every time I see one of those gender reveal parties, there's part of me that hopes that that kid turns out to be trans. Just to teach those parents a little lesson about assuming one's gender. Yeah, maybe don't. Gender is a spectrum, right? But so is autism, so... Maybe you weren't born in the wrong body.

Maybe your dick's just a little retarded. Thank you. Nico Jordan. Your first time here on Kill Tony, is that correct? Yes, sir. Welcome, Nico. How are you? I'm doing great. Hell yeah. I like your style, man.

Thank you. How long have you been on stand-up? About a year. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I did a month and a half in Reno. A month and a half? Is that where you started? Yeah. Okay, is that where you're originally from?

No, I'm from LA area, Santa Clarita. How'd you end up in Reno? My girlfriend got a job out there, and I... You still with her, or did you murder her? I'm still with her. You do. You have American psycho energies over here. No doubt about it. Yeah, but it's like young, poor American psycho,

before he figured it out. It is. He's dressed like the supervisor of a landscaping crew. Some guy that just sprays roundup around your house, and then fucking lets the Monsanto settle into your water stream. You really a substitute teacher? Yes. Okay, but you've been working. What's that?

You are employed? Oh yeah, I'm still substitute teaching. I pretended I got fired. Do you teach specific grades or subjects or anything? I usually do middle school and high school, but I've been sticking to high school more often. All subjects. And you're still with this girlfriend of yours?

Yeah. How long have you guys been together? Coming up on 7 years. What does she do? She just started working for Yeti. She does marketing for Yeti. I don't know if I should say that. 7 years.

How do you keep it amazing after 7 years? That's a long time. How old are you? 24. Wow. So this is the only woman you've ever been with? Pretty much. She's a good one.

And by pretty much, you mean yes. Yeah. He was either embarrassed about only fucking one chick, or he's cheated a lot. Judging on that pause. I mean, he's giving himself a hand job right now, so it's pretty incredible. Take your hand out of those corduroy's, you son of a bitch.

Look at the thick lanes on those pants. That's incredible. I could drive a car right up one of the seams of those corduroy's. Are those hand-me-downs from a family member or something like that, or did you pick those out yourself? Got those in our Reno. Was that a Reno purchase? Yeah, these were from Reno, actually.

I think they might have been used. My girlfriend got them for me. Do they pay substitute teachers by letting you raid the lost and found? Hey, I found a pair of the janitor's pants. Perfect. I'll wear these on my adventure into show business. I love it. Niko, you have a real name like Niko.

When I said Niko, Jordan, I wasn't really expecting someone that looks exactly like one of Donald Trump's illegitimate children to walk up here. I was picturing more of a shooting guard, if you know what I mean. Number 11, Niko Jordan. See how that has a ring to it? Yeah.

You don't play basketball at all. Dude, you're probably playing fucking board games with Hans. I try to play basketball sometimes. I'm pretty bad for how tall I am. Right. Right. What else do you do for fun? What else are you into?

What are some hobbies of Niko Jordan? I record a podcast on a canoe. Okay, other than that, it sounds literally like the worst. I'd rather listen to Elise's one hour comedy special than your fucking canoe podcast. Fuck. Jesus Christ. How many episodes have you lost?

Lost? Oh. None yet. None yet. All right. What else other than your fucking gay ass canoe podcast? What else? You must do things for fun, right, Niko?

You have hobbies. Yeah. I like to ride my bike. I like to go snowboarding. What else? Surfing when I was in California, but... What are you afraid of? What's something that you're scared of?

Bombing in front of people. Okay, what else? What's something I'm scared of? Yeah, like at home, like something that you have a definite fear of. I don't know. What would be like an example of that? I mean, if I was you, I'd be scared of like walking into the bathroom without the lights on and seeing my own reflection.

But then again, we basically do have the same bone structure, so it really doesn't count. I'm really trying to make fun of you for something that actually exists in my real life. Every once in a while, I'll be like, oh my God, who is that? Oh, it's me. All right.

Is your mom or dad Asian? Dad? No. Red band. Why were you named Niko? My parents just picked the... They just liked it. There's no meaning to it or anything.

It's a really Japanese name. Yeah. Okay. Well, some say Greek, too. I don't know, I think it works for... Do you have brothers and sisters? I got an older and a younger brother. Older and a younger brother.

What do they do? My older brother is tech sales. My younger brother is a firefighter. What do you think, because you seem like a tall glass of water, Niko. What do you think is the most dangerous thing or most criminal thing you've ever done in your life? Oh, me? Yeah.

Shit. Yes. Yes, you, the person pulled out of the bucket on the podcast where that happens. Fuck. You ever get in trouble for anything, Niko? Not too much. I mean, I take it pretty safely.

I think I got a texting and driving ticket once. Whoa. I did mushrooms one time. I think that's a ticket. Whoa. Wow. How did that go? How many tears flew out of your face that day?

Where'd you do them at? It was at Pismo Beach in California. Okay. And how did that go for you? It was fucking awesome for like 10 minutes. This is the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. Best music ever playing. Then you freaked the fuck out.

It got dark. Oh, shit. Tell us more about it. Describe it for us. What was the darkness like? What exactly happened during this trip? I want you to paint the picture. I think I finally found out something interesting about you.

D-Man, you know, D-Man just wants to know what the darkness was like. Oh, shit. Like, I don't think it was too crazy like on the outside. I think just in my head, I was with my girlfriend and my friend and I just felt like they were arguing and it felt really awkward because I was like... Your friend's a guy? Yeah. Yeah.

So this is a good buddy of yours. The three, it's just the three of you out there on the beach. You eat the mushrooms. First 10 minutes is good, which is interesting because that's not when they kick in. No, not the first 10. Yeah. Wow, these are fucking amazing. It's a cop.

I love it. It's like real life. It's a cop. I like really see, oh, the beach is beautiful, yeah. You mean 40 minutes after you ate the midnight bread. Right, right, right. First 10 minutes, what were they arguing about? Do you remember?

I don't know. I just felt like it was like little like jabs at each other or just being too honest with each other, maybe. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think we found the worst guy to ever do mushrooms with everybody. This is it. This is what it looks like.

You don't want to get stuck at Pismo Beach with this guy. Just like, you guys are being too fucking honest with one another. Fucking freaking out, man. They're not even arguing. It was confusing. Yeah. Go ahead. Scribe anything else?

Any other highlights? Do you fall asleep, mouth down in the sand at one point or not? No, the beach was great, but the sun started to set and then we had to start getting home and we were only like a block away, but I felt like it was like a year to get there and I was lost and I felt really scared. Oh, my girlfriend. She was like, I know where we're going and I was like, I don't think you do. Like this is this is bad.

Wow. Did you guys end up making love you and your girlfriend that night? Do you have mushroom sex? No, I don't even know if I knew how to anymore. I was I was gone. Wow. Wow. I was brutally honest.

I love it. There it was. We got a little something out of you, Nico. That was like milking a fucking billiard ball or something like that. But we got a little squoze, a little liquid out of you there. D madness. This guy's wild back there. He's having fucking acid flashbacks.

Nico Jordan, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. Good job. Thank you. Here, take a joke book. Thank you so much. Official kill Tony joke book made by the great bones. I that's real Texas leather right there. All right.

He had a great set. Yeah. Yeah, it was good. I thought Nico was very funny. Yeah. For a year and boring as shit, but funny standup. Yeah. His interviews suck for sure.

All right. This should be interesting. He's got a good name. Make some noise for Austin apostle. Everybody. This is without a doubt the kill Tony debut of Austin apostle. I would remember that name if I've seen it before. Here he comes.

One more time. Austin apostle. Thank you. Thank you very much. So I just moved here. I had to pack my entire life into my car. Had to leave a lot of things behind. My mom called me today.

I was like, Austin, I just want you to know that I'm going to hold on to all of your old toys for when you have kids. I'm like, thanks, mob. I don't really want my kid playing with my Chris Benoit action figures. So if you could, you know, maybe not. I don't know. Not a lot of wrestling fans. Fair enough.

Special move was a diving headbutt. They should have just called it CTE. I'm just saying like what the fuck. I drove by a sign today. Joe by a sign and all the signs said was slow children play. I bet they do. I bet that they're not out there, you know, passing exams and excelling in school. They're playing with one another, you know.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to. Fuck yeah. All right. I mean, I'm feeling you didn't believe in that last joke either. You really hit the brakes. Austin Apostle. Welcome.

Welcome. How are you, sir? Pretty good. Pretty good. How long have you been going to stand up? A little over three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin?

No, I just moved like three days ago. From where? From Connecticut. Connecticut. Okay. One of those. That's the sense of humor of Connecticut. Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks. You live in Hartford? Well, I lived like right in between Hartford and Springfield. Where exactly did you live? What city? Stamford. And Field.

Where? And Field, Connecticut. Okay. So your parents are rich? No. Now what do your parents do? One of them is dead and the other one's unemployed, so. Complete opposite.

Man, unless one of them had life insurance, that ain't rich. No. Yeah. Which one's unemployed? Mom or dad? Mom. Wow. This could be one of the saddest interviews in the history of the show.

What did she do before she was unemployed? Worked at a deli. At a deli. Right. That ain't going to fucking. Nice. That ain't going to bring home the bacon. Not bringing it out.

How about dad? What did he do before he died and when did he die? He was a machinist. He died, I don't know. Another Christian bail reference right there. Like five years ago? Five years ago. From what?

How did he die? Honestly, some crazy disease I can't even pronounce. I was just chalking up for cancer. Okay. Some sort of cancer. Absolutely. You got it, Austin. And indeed this is the lowest we've ever been in the show's history.

It is a new bottom. Austin, what do you do for a living? I was an accountant and now I am also unemployed. Wow. Look at that. Following in mom's footsteps. Incredible. So how are you surviving?

Well, I saved a little nest egg, but then it was mostly invested in cryptocurrency, which was a huge mistake. Right. So I am barely surviving right now, to be honest. Right. How bad are we talking about? Since we made it this far and it seems to be interesting. How much exactly how much money do you have?

I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself. When I think of questions that I haven't thought of in the nine years of doing this show, I get really proud of myself. This is one of those moments I want to get within $1,000 plus or minus. If we have to check, we have to open up your Chase checking app right now. How many do you think we should find out exactly how much this guy's worth? Let's find out.

Because there are a lot of Texas oil tycoons here and they might be willing to give you money. Can we all guess? I'm not fucking doubt it, but... Honestly, it's probably like $10,000, $15,000. Ah, you're rich. That's American rich. What are you talking about? What were you going to guess?

That's all we... Everybody's only got $10,000. What were you going to guess? I was going to guess $370. That's very, very low. No, I would have guessed $4,000 or $5,000 for you. What were you going to guess, dude? I'd have gone like $3,000 or $4,000 because he said he moved here with a nest egg.

But he had to have something. He'd be penniless out here. Yeah, but his... His mom worked at a deli. I thought maybe $370 was like the richest thing he's ever heard of. Jesus fucking Christ, man. It's unbelievable. Austin, so you're living here.

How do you plan on surviving? What's your living situation? Do you have roommates? I got one roommate and I don't know. I've just been applying for jobs. Seems like... All different kinds of jobs? All different shit, yeah.

Right. I don't want to have to go back to accounting because I fucking hate it, so I'm basically just applying for anything. Okay. What do you do for fun? I did a lot of drugs. Drugs? Really?

You're on drugs, too? I am, I am. I had this weird thing that I did growing up where I would do a new drug every Christmas. Right. I stopped at crack, like I went through crack, but I didn't go much beyond that. Okay. And last year you invested in crypto, so I'm guessing ketamine was the drug of last year, right? That's why I stopped at it.

You can't say you stopped at crack. Drugs stop at crack. That's the most serious drug. That's true, but maybe that's why I stopped. I stopped at the end of the line. What's the most fun night you've ever had? What's a crazy night for Austin Apostle? I jumped off the stratosphere in Vegas.

Pretty hammer. That was pretty cool. That's cool. Stratosphere. You jumped off it. It's like a hotel. Oh, it's like a bungee jumping thing. Oh, okay.

I thought you jumped off a building and survived for a second. That would be fucking awesome. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. But you bungee jumped. Okay. What's your love life like, Austin? It's pretty non-existent.

Pretty non-existent. I just updated my bumble though, so these bees are stinging. Uh-oh. All right. What was the change exactly that you made on your bumble? Just my location. My location. Oh, wow.

That's basically it. Perfect. Perfect. You run your bumble just like a typical sex offender. Let the people know that you've arrived. You know what I mean? All right. So the last time you got laid, what was that like?

Who was that with? What type of refeed did you use exactly? It was actually with another comedian's girlfriend. And it blew up in my face. We struck gold, everybody. This is exciting. What comedian? What?

Her name? Yes. No, that's not. How did that happen though? She cheated on her boyfriend with you? Yeah. Wow. Look at that.

And so are you glad? Are you happy? Was it worth it? Or is it awkward now? Because you see these people all the time. Well, I don't see her now because I just moved like 2,000 miles across the country. This was a Connecticut comedian. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yeah, so. You hated this comic then, I guess, right? The guy that you knew the comic also? Yeah, we were actually down here in Austin together like six months ago. So what did he do to you to make you like go on a podcast and advertise this shit? Yeah. That's a very good point.

I didn't even think of it. You asked it. I'm trying to be honest here and I totally fucked that up. You're doing a good job. It's okay. Trying to be honest is half the battle. So he doesn't know? No, he's well aware.

He hates my guts. So now you got to like apologize to him again. Well, you got to be like, listen, all right, first off, one more time, sorry for fucking your check. By the way, I didn't kill Tony the other night. It might have come up. Yeah. Yeah, that's a very good point.

I guess I got another phone call to make after this. Is he still with her? No. Oh, okay. Yeah. Did they try to make it work out for a little bit afterwards? Yeah. Wow.

That's incredible. Yeah, you guys will never be friends again. No, we're fucked. Yeah. But you will be Eskimo brothers forever. Yeah. And that story didn't make you look bad in front of anyone else either. Like, I don't know why you would advertise that.

Like, well, I mean, they weren't like still together. They like broke up. I thought they were broken up and they were broken up technically. So it was like, it was like a four or five day period or some shit. Five days. So I feel like I didn't do anything wrong. You know, you could do a lot in five days as we learned with Hans and Elise. You can do a lot in five days.

Austin, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. Thank you very much. Here's a joke book. Take one of these. This is handmade by Bonsai. Real Texas leather. There you go. There you go.

All right. Should we get another regular up here, huh? This guy joined the rotation just a few weeks ago, ladies and gentlemen. This is the brand newest regular on Kiltony. He performs when David Lucas isn't here. You're going to love him. It's LSH, everybody. Here it is.

LSH. Damn, this shit was high. All right, y'all. Social media, it's cool, man. It got its pros and it's got its cons. One of the pros is it connects you to every single body you know. It ain't great, man. I'm telling you.

You don't need to be connected to everybody you fucking know, man. For example, I don't know. It was my birthday. A coworker said, happy birthday. Pretty simple, right? Then my mama wrote on that bitch, oh my God. Happy birthday to my oldest son. May God bless you in all of your ways.

May you shoot amongst the stars. Because even if you fall, you will land amongst the stars. And then my homeboy from the fourth grade, Pookie, he hit me up. Happy birthday, my nigga. Hope you bust that birthday nut. And then I was like, dude, I got church members on this shit. And then my mama commented, actually, he's allergic to nuts. I said, mama, that's not the same nut.

This woman talking about cashews and shit. LSH, that's cool. This woman talking about cashews and shit. LSH, that's the end of his set. Shout out to Jake, Jake and Ashley from all the way from Lafayette, Louisiana. Oh, happy birthday, baby. Hell yeah. Are you giving shout outs to random audience members right now?

What the fuck? We met in the bathroom and shit. He was like big fan. Jesus, Ellis, focus right now. Oh my God. That's all it takes is a fucking random ass person in the bathroom to... No, like, he... I've never seen...

This is like an ADD and BET had a baby. This is incredible what's going on here. Oh, shit. You are a distracted young man. I don't know why. It's so funny that he literally just finished and it went to you and he went, oh shit, dude, from the bathroom. Yo, what up?

We were pissing together. Let's go, let's go. Our urinations are matched up. I love it. So let's talk about it, LSH. That was a long setup to get to the bust that birthday nut joke. So you did have a birthday recently? Or is this just an older joke?

I had a birthday recently in October. So it's relatively... Yeah, relatively. And what did happen? Did you bust that that birthday nut? Yes. You did? Oh, wow.

Okay. So you were dressed, I'm guessing, that you broke into a person's home and just took advantage of them. We don't talk about that, Tony. I told you that in the green room. Now, last week, I made fun of you. You were wearing a suit and you had black dress shoes on. This week, you are wearing what appears to be

literally a worst pair of shoes. Ladies and gentlemen, screwball peanut butter whiskey, y'all. Let's get a name out of this bucket. I don't want to get roasted again. Let's get the fuck back up. Swear to God. You've only been a regular for three weeks. Don't make me fire you.

It would be so black of you to get fired after three weeks. The guy literally worked for three minutes. He worked for three minutes and then he clocked out. He packed up his shitty shoes and he left forever. I love it. Alice, let's talk about life. How's it going, man? How's stand-up been going for you?

You didn't move the mic stand tonight. It was like watching the fucking... I don't know exactly what I'm going to say here. It would be racist if I said what I was just thinking. So I'm not going to. We're going to plow forward, but you didn't move the mic stand. Why do you think that is? Well, I didn't move the mic stand.

I just didn't feel like moving the mic stand again. Hell, yeah. Absolutely minimal amount of work, I understand. You still haven't moved the mic stand, though. It's okay. At this point, red band, it doesn't really matter. What do you do for work, Alice? I don't know if I've ever even asked you that. I am a Lyft driver.

I drive for Lyft. Hey, shout out to you. I probably picked you up. Oh, shit. More friends over there. Can you pick me up in the Quiznos? That's it. So you're a Lyft driver. What kind of car are you driving? Nissan Rogue. Wow. Nissan Rogue.

See, that's one. That's my boy, right there. You have a Nissan Rogue, too? Oh, shit. That shit reliable. It'll get you where you need to be. Oh, my God. Alice, there are so many, interestingly, like white lesbian woman qualities about you.

And Nissan Rogue. Wow. I love Shana. What's that gun? Looks like we made it. Look how Shania Twain is the shit, though. Oh, shit. Still the one I want.

Okay, that's enough for that. I'm sorry. 100%. You got it, Alice. What did you do today? What is a normal day in the life of Alice look like? When you wake up, what's the first thing that you see? I don't want to be like the stripper girl, but I like YouTube videos, too, though.

Like, I was like, damn, I watch YouTube videos. Yeah, I like interesting shit. I like to learn interesting things. Like, what kind of YouTube videos did you watch today? Oh, seven songs that are, like, misinterpreted. Like, you know that song, like, who let the dogs out? Yeah.

Woo, woo, woo. Yeah, that's about feminism. That's what? It's about feminism. Feminism? Yeah. Yeah, it's about cat calling. I can't make this shit up.

Really? Wait, that song is about feminism? Yeah, it's about feminism. So are the feminists the dogs that are let out? Like, so the dudes are cat calling the chick or whatever, and then he, like, some part, the lady yell, dog, who let the dogs out? Because they're calling out of the shit.

Oh, they're acting like dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The men cat calling are acting like dogs. Wow. Wow. I always liked that song until now. Yeah. Now that I know it's pro-feminism.

What a horrible song. Yikes. The Macarena? Y'all know the Macarena? Yeah. Yeah, fuck that bitch. It's about a woman who cheats on her husband. Are you serious?

What a guy. No way. The fucking Macarena? Don't they do the dancing? Play the song. She goes, the boy wants me, some bullshit like that. Look at the lyrics. Look at the lyrics.

I love it. Seven songs that are misinterpreted. Okay. Wow. So what do you do after you watch YouTube videos? You work out, you exercise? Yeah, I work out. Yeah?

What kind of workouts do we do? I went to, oh, I do bench press and shit like that. All right. Prison workout. I get it. Okay. I was at a, what's it called, a Planet Fitness, but they have like all these regulations and shit.

Like they don't want you to yell or throw down the weights. I'm like, what the fuck do you want me to do then? Like if I got something heavy, I'm just supposed to be. What noise do you make? We don't make no noise. You just fucking run it out. But what noise do you want to make? Yeah.

You said that you were mad because you couldn't yell. Because if it's a heavy weight, fellas, who live wasting this bitch? Make some noise. Wow. Y'all ask me. Ladies over. Okay. You be out here screaming and if it's heavy, it's fucking, you max out.

There's a fucking vein in that motherfucker's neck. Don't talk to that son of a bitch. He working his hardest. Yeah. Don't do it. If you see three veins in that man's neck, leave him the fuck alone. He's working on his set. So how long did you last to plan it fitness?

Um, I just did like what? Like 30 minutes on a treadmill and then just about like, I don't know, hour 30. Something like that. Hour 30. One time and then you were gone forever. You never went back. No, I go every fucking like Tuesday. Oh.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tuesday. Is there a special deal on Tuesdays or something? Is there a reason why you picked that day in particular? I just was like, man, I just need to get my shit together on Tuesday. Tuesday just seemed like a day you get your shit together. Like it's like, I got to get my life together.

Monday was fucked. Tuesday, I got to get it. Yeah. That may sound weird, but that made total sense to me. Yeah, yeah. That might be the true lazy comedian in me, but I was like, yeah, you're not going to do shit on Monday, obviously. Yeah, I agree.

But now that you regularly perform on Kiltoni, I might suggest switching it to Monday. Uh, you might want to get your shit together on Mondays. The day that you perform in front of a big sold out live audience. Man, I mean, man, fuck out of here. Oh, shit. What's happening here? Oh, shit. Already a better stripper than Elise, by the way.

What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? Jason, you see this shit? Oh, shit. You see it? I'll shoot your fucking face off. I can't point them at nobody. Look at those.

That is incredible. Hey, y'all like this T-shirt of me? That was me back in 1988. Wow. Yeah, black done crack for real. That's a real thing. Your ice cube? Yeah.

I am ice cube. Wait, where did you get that? You asking him where he bought his shirt red band? Oh. I took a picture of myself and just scanned it on the bitch. Oh, wait, that's not ice cube. Okay. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure it's ice cube. Yeah. Ice cube. Yeah. 100%. Okay. Fun times, Ellis. You did it again.

Another brand new minute from Ellis H. Back to the bucket we go. Let's keep this fun thing moving along here. I'll take a drink, by the way. I'll take a crown and coke. I'll have a track and diet. Thank you. Thank you so much.

How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Vulcan? Yeah. We'll have another one of Dave's beers, too. Yep. Yep. Yep. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Maddie Stu.

Here we go. Maddie Stu is next. You guys having fun out there? Here comes Maddie, everybody. One more time for Maddie Stu. If the president only makes $400,000 a year, I wouldn't show up either, man. They say you're as old as you feel.

If that's true, my uncle must be 11. And I fell 37 that night. That never happened. Take mental health as serious as we should in this country, and you know that's true, because they let people with special needs on dating apps. Look, I'm just saying, times are already rough. Now you expect me to deal with the fact

that even a girl with Down syndrome doesn't want to have sex with me? You got one extra chromosome. You think you're better than me, huh? In third grade, my teacher told me to get on the ground and sit Indian style, so I loaded my musket and shot her. I refused to stand for that kind of bigotry. There you go, Maddie Stu. All right, that's a brand new minute for Maddie Stu.

This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, sir. Okay, welcome. Where are you from? Originally from LA, but I've kind of been all over since. All right, you were born and raised in LA? Born in Connecticut, moved to LA when I was five. I grew up in Valencia.

Actually, Nico Jordan, who was on the first comedian, were from the same high school. No one asked. In Connecticut? No, in Valencia. Okay. But you weren't the comedian in Connecticut that the other comedian fucked your girlfriend?

There's a lot of weird connections here. There's a weird Connecticut thing going on. Connecticut's not important. Sorry about that. You and Nico went to the same high school? No, did they just breed psychotic-looking white dudes? For sure, yeah. You were born in Valencia?

Yeah, sort of kind of. It's like the Modesto, but a little bit further south, right? Six flags, baby. Yeah, white trash. What do your parents do? My dad brokes insurance. He's retired. Yep.

My mom was a stay-at-home mother. She did very good. And how about you? What do you do for work? Currently, I'm... You take people out on Lady Bird Lake or something like that? You're a boat guide? Upon request, yeah.

What do you do? I'm currently unemployed. Jesus Christ. There's a booming economy here in Texas. We're finding the only unemployed people here. How long has it been since you had a job? I just got out of the military. Oh, an American hero.

How about a hand for this guy? What do you do in the military? I was in the Navy. What? I was in the Navy. Okay, what do you do in the Navy? Expeditionary. I deployed to the Middle East about a year and a half ago.

So where do you visit? We were in Dubai. No, that's not that bad. Dude, that's great to just say. To just say, I deployed to the Middle East and we're all thinking like, oh dude, you were in the middle of it. And he's like, no, I was chilling in Dubai. That was a totally friendly country.

I was on the 700th floor of a skyscraper looking down at the peasants below. That's so great. I deployed to the Middle East with the military. What did you do? I guarded a billionaire as he raped a bunch of his slaves. Someone's got to do it. It's true American hero. Someone's got to do it.

So you're welcome. Wow. Did you have fun in Dubai? Dude, it was fucking great. Tell us the highlights. His fucking brothers are over in Afghanistan. Did you have fun? They're like, I held my buddy's head in my lap while he was bleeding out.

He's like, dude, it's a fucking party over there. They're like, oh my God, is that rapid fire machine guns behind you? It's funny you say that. I actually went to a machine gun Kelly concert on that day. Wow. The only machine gun he touched in the Middle East was machine gun Kelly. Absolutely incredible. Took a couple shots in the liver that night.

That's about it. Yeah. I thought you can't drink in Dubai. I've already said too much. Oh, OK. But I'm out now. So I got fucked up a lot. Right.

Right. Navy. And now you're unemployed over here. It's a symbol there. OK. Maddie, Maddie, Maddie. You hit the symbol. It's OK.

You're on a live show still. It's all right. You with me? I'm here with you, John. OK. So you're unemployed. What's your plan? What types of jobs are you looking for?

I think I found the first plan. I think I found the first problem with finding a job. Yeah. Well, this. Oh, you're just going to make money off stand-up comedy forever. Well, you know, I'm in it for the... OK. I just got...

I had an interview today with a little security company. OK. So... All right. That's not an interesting... How long have you been doing stand-up? For about seven months. Seven months?

Yeah. Oh, that's really good for seven months, Maddie. Thank you, Tony. What do you think the secret to your success is? Um... The key is you don't ask what your country can do for you. And you guys know the rest, so... Absolutely.

I like this. I bet you're really good with the ladies, right? I get a little fucking, like, a little Downsie Bradley Cooper vibe coming from you. Got a little fucking something going on. You're like a good-looking, unhealthy man or something like that. Like, there's something a little bit off, but you're almost a great-looking guy, but there's, like, there was, like, a brain injury

when you were younger or something, right? Ginger Maya. Uh... What was the question? I heard you say I'm good-looking, right? You have a girlfriend. You hook up with a lot of girls. Boys, what are you into?

Um... I'm into girls. Yeah? Women. Women. Okay. All right. Um... All right, you pedophile.

Uh... When's the last time you hooked up with a woman? What was that? Like, what's an evening with, uh... Maddie stew-like? Um... You pick them up from school. That was...

First of all, that was... You're in one of those Fisher Price cars up front. That was obviously a... Your girlfriend's here, Maddie. Um... Pfft. Okay. So the last time you were with a woman...

What was that? Uh, maybe a month and a half ago. You mean sex? Sure. Have you been with a woman? Uh... Sure. So what happened that night a month and a half ago?

You're at a bar. You're on a dating app. What happened at the start? So, uh... I met her at a bar. Right. Right. She was a waitress, and then you let her sing at your concert

a few days later, or something like that. Alright, that's another Bradley Cooper reference that failed miserably. Oh, dude, that's a... Go ahead. You met her at a bar, and then what happens? What's your magical pickup line? You see a girl that you like, pretend like I'm her, look me right in the eyes, and give me the same line you gave her.

Uh, do you know why elephants have red eyes? No. Why? To hide... To hide... To hide in cherry trees. You ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No.

It's working. Jesus. I'm not saying... Yeah, I'm not saying it's smart. I'm not saying it's intelligent, but it... Okay. See, you fucked a retarded girl. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

That's a good callback. That's a good callback. Did she have a straw that made like she blew in to make her wheelchair go back and forth? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She did, right, Ben? Yes, she did.

What? I'm sorry, I'm a little bit lost. So the elephant thing is... Dude, no, that was just... It's just words to get her to ask a question. Is that the idea of it? Yeah, I'm not good at this. No!

No, you ended up fucking that chick. I mean, whatever works, works. Yeah, no, so... I don't know why it works. I'm saying it's women are retarded. Right? Yes, that could work. So you say the elephant line, then what happens?

You guys have a few drinks. She's lonely enough to hang out with you. And then what happens? Would you like to sit on my face? Wow, is that what you said? That is the... I've never seen someone be yet... rapey yet give the other person all the control

at the same time. Life's about balance, dude. It's all about balance. And then what? You take her back to your place, her place? Oh, we went back to my place. Okay, what's that? Like, what kind of trailer are we talking about exactly?

Pretty close. I live in a studio. Okay. I have a dog. Okay, German Shepherd. Black Lab. All right. Close.

That wasn't that close. That wasn't that close. After you guys were done fucking, was there a pause and then a moment where she went, seriously, what was the elephant thing? It actually happened mid-missionary. Wow. Okay.

Yeah. All right, Matty Stu. Do you have any special skills or talents? You good at anything other than stand-up comedy? Like me, I'm a great golfer. I can shoot guns. I have a wildly successful... I play a little...

Yeah, I play a little basketball. Basketball? Yeah. These fucking Connecticut white boys think they're all basketball players. They're all the LeBron James of Connecticut and they fucking play against... I actually have a funny story about something

that happened to me here. Okay, well, you're on the right show for that. The second time I ever came to kill Tony, I still didn't know that comics got in for free, so I paid, which is especially stupid because that means I thought that the comics stood in that corner by choice. It's just fucking idiotic.

But anyways, so I was upstairs and one of the bartenders, I was like ordering a drink, just dropped and started having a seizure and so like I sprung into action because I was looking around, I didn't know what to do and like, I'm an EMT. Oh, you are? I'm not a practicing one.

I have a license. Oh, wow. Okay. But my muscle memory kicked in. I'm from the military. I have a tactical combat casualty background. Right, from all the tactical experience of chilling in Dubai.

Drunk people need medical attention too, Tony. But anyways... So the bartender here starts having a seizure. Starts having a seizure, so I go behind the bar. Yeah. And my muscle memory kicks in and I'm just like checking this dude for exit wounds and shit.

I watched the guy not get shot. At one point, I like ripped off my belt for a tourniquet. He didn't need one. You're the guy that did mouth to mouth to him, right? No, he was foaming. I didn't... He was foaming out of the mouth. Yeah, that's not recommended at that point.

So all of your training was completely unhelpful in this situation. You did nothing. You just watched the foam come out of his mouth and this... I made people think it was under control. That's something. That's pretty good.

You bring the heart pressure, the blood pressure, whatever down. I'm a little drunk. I should have said that in the beginning. Okay. You're okay. You did good here. You did good, Matty, Stu. Congratulations on getting pulled.

Fun times. Take a joke book. Here's a joke book for you. Take this, Matty. Take it. Run for your life. There you go. There's a fist bump.

Sure. Triple bonus. Yeah, nice for helping that guy out. Our favorite bartender. Yeah. Again, how about I hand another hand for the staff here at Vulcan? If you don't tip them more than 20%, they will have a seizure. So if you're wondering how that happens, it's bad tips.

All right. Pulled another name out. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Lucas Turner. We're getting through it here tonight. Could it be another boring white man? We're going to find out. Nope.

Here's Lucas Turner. What the fuck is up? What the fuck is up? Okay. I know I look like the brown head. I'm Sandler. Yep. Don't even start with me.

Okay. I hit my head on ketamine and I've never been the same. Anyways, Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen, he's been doing real good. And he answers all of his texts. Now I chill with him and he's kind of like a holographic Pokemon card. He's looking better. He's dressing better. And he's going to be worth more with time.

That's it. I was born in a third world country, but I still got first world problems. That laugh is killing me, lady. Oh, man. Hold on. It's coming to me. That's it. Okay.

All right. Yeah. No, we know that's it. That's it. That's how the show works. You don't really even have an option at this point. Yeah, I tried. If you would have said that's it 20 seconds before then, we would have been like,

hey, stop with this set. You could have said it, but you didn't. Instead, you just stood up here looking like Mexican John Snow. John Desert, we could call it perhaps. Tony, in his defense, a one minute set is very unforgiving for a 50 second brain fart. Yeah, it is. I was expecting you to do some type of magic trick or something like that with your charismatic shell that you exist in. I appreciate that.

Thank you so much. Indeed. So if it makes sense, even as he was saying nothing, I like him. Yeah. I don't know why, but I do like this. Yeah. No, I know he does. He's in the pocket.

He's not really as nervous as he should be. What's amazing to me is that your name is Lucas Turner and the guy, boring white guy was named Nico Jordan. You look like Nico Jordan and he looks like Lucas Turner. What the fuck do you do? What kind of unicorn do you ride professionally? What kind of petty cab are we talking about? What kind of weird ass, not normal fucking job do you have? You have prettier hair than a lease?

Well, Tony, I'm glad you asked. I'm a server and I'm a full-time musician in Austin, Texas, baby. Yeah. I can't believe you guys fell for that Austin trick he did there at the end. Yes, sir. You could say that at the end. Guitar D madness. Hey, over here.

Over here. D, I'll ask the questions. You blind son of a bitch. Jesus Christ. All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, D, don't hurt me.

I feel like this guy's a lot of fun to have a conversation with, but I would really hate to catch him as a server. Yeah. Like, he would just be walking over to my table and be like, this guy's going to fuck up everything. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Not only is his hair going to get in your food, it's also going to get in whoever you went with's food, and you're going to end up doing some weird lady in the tramp shit with his fucking strings of hair. Look at that shit.

Look at that flocks that you have. You use head and shoulders? Bar soap, Tony. Wow. Bar soap. I love that. Okay. Very good.

How do you listen to Neil Young now that he's no longer on Spotify? You go to iTunes now? You free spirit ill? Keep on rocking in the arena. Searching for a heart of gold. All right, all right. You could have done that during your set, but you didn't. I know.

Lucas Turner. So you work at a restaurant. I'm not going to ask you which one. I don't want you to. Applebee's, right? Crickets in Waco. Waco, Texas. Yo, you live in Waco.

Yes, sir. Okay. All right. You seem like the kind of guy at Waco and Baco. Am I correct? Yes, sir. You smoke a lot of pie. Every morning.

Right. You do. Yes, sir. All right. What do you like to do for fun other than play music and stand up comedy? Is there anything else? I could do a mean round off, Tony. What do you mean a round off?

I could do a round off. It's a gymnastics. It's a gymnastics. Okay, let's see it. Who wants to see a round off? Give me a drum roll, Michael. There we go. Just a reminder that any accidents that happen here, neither death squad, golden pony productions,

or Vulcan gas companies are responsible. Whoa. Holy shit. And I was told not to do that by everybody. All the comedians told me not to do that. Yeah, because they don't want you to get the fucking crowd into a frenzy, but little do they know that's exactly what the fuck to do. These boring ass fucks.

If I found out one of those boring people earlier at a gymnast trick that they didn't do, I'd be pissed off. So Lucas, how long have you been playing guitar for? About 10 years, Tony. Whoa, 10 years. Sir. What do you think Matt? It's worse than nightmare.

Matt's playing the guitar from Michael J. Fox's Teen Wolf. That's wrong. It's back to the future where he plays the guitar. Such a fuck up. I mean, it's worth passing it to him. Just see what let's see what it looks like. How many of you think we should see this? Lucas Turner, 10 years on guitar.

I'm glad it was his idea. So if he destroys his guitar, we don't have to feel guilty. Yeah. Oh, he's asking for distortion. This is very exciting. Oh shit. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. We get it. How about a hand for Matt Miolling for letting this fucking guy. That was incredible. Obviously, he was going to be awesome at guitar.

Fucking look at him, dude. He fucking lives in Waco. He's like the next generation branch Davidian over here. Yeah. It is incredible. It's like if the Mars Volta was actually from Mars. It's incredible, folks. A real gymnast Hendricks over there.

What's your ringtone? Like, what is your default ringtone that you have on your phone? It's exactly the next question that I was going to ask. All right. It's so funny that you go into the ringtone thing, because coming off of that musical performance, I was going to... I got an Android, so it's just like a basic...

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Wow. Okay. What ethnicity are you? You can play guitar that good, but you couldn't create the basic ringtone with your voice. Absolutely, sir. You said you're from a third-world country.

Correct. What are we talking about? Which one? Paraguay, South America. Whoa. What's Paraguay known for? Bananas or something? Dirty water and drinking with my tiny hands. Wow. Have you ever been there?

No, I have not. Okay. I was adopted when I was eight months old. By a white family? By a white family in Chicago. Wow. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Brown goes wild for white families. Yeah, white family. Come on, you guys. Let's go. Come on. Holy shit. Did you have a lot of adopted brothers and sisters? Or were you just...

I'm a holy child. Wow. Okay. You won the fucking lottery. I know, man. I know. I know. They just picked one third-world baby.

They weren't even like a fucking foster home with a million of them. Just give me one. They're like, do you want a boy or a girl? They're like, can I have both at once? We got it. That's how you ended up with the name Lucas Turner. Yes. It all makes sense now.

Lucas. The whitest name ever. Yeah. What do you think your name would have been if you kept your Paraguayan name? My real name, Tony, is Miguel. Ah. Okay. How about the last name?

What's the last name? Brzezuela. Whoa. I love it. Lucas, you're a very charismatic guy. Thank you, sir. Your interview here was amazing. Congratulations on...

Oh, thank you. I appreciate it, man. There you go. You did everything right. I love Kill Tony. Thank you guys so much. Here you go. Take one of these.

Take one of these. Take one of these. You're the first person to ever get a big jokebook after going silent during half their set. But you just take it and run for your life. Should we go to this bucket one more time, huh? Well, we technically did, right? Well, we didn't really. You guys think we should get a female out of this bucket, huh?

All right. So we're not counting Elise as a performance here tonight. All right. We know this young lady. She's always performed extremely, extremely well on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Molly Viven. All right. Must be coming from somewhere.

Here she comes. All right. Here she is. Molly Viven. So when I was a kid, my mom wouldn't let me drink coffee. She said it would stunt my growth. But then she let my dad beat me. So I'm not really sure what she believes.

I think conversion therapy can be a good thing. Because I've been converting ass guys into tit guys for years. It's a little tiring, though. I wish they just put it in their tinder bio, you know? Whether they were like formula fed or breast fed. I'm in an open relationship. Being in an open relationship is pretty weird. Everyone assumes you're some kind of horny freak.

It's not the case. No. I'm in an open relationship. So when my boyfriend asked me to suck his dick, I'm just like, actually I'm going to phone a friend if that's okay. There you go. Molly Viven. Dare I say, perhaps the set of the night up here,

everyone else is flailing away. And you just coming in your third or fourth time ever on the show and you did it again with another brand new minute. It doesn't make any sense. And a woman no less. And if she takes off her jacket, she looks like that famous picture of the rock, I bet. What the fuck are you talking about?

Dude. Oh my God. Tony. No, he's right. I'll be honest. I completely got it. I don't know. I'm not even a big wrestling fan.

It's the chain and the shirt. Wait, I do know what you're talking about now. That is so far outside of your wheelhouse. I never could have guessed that's what you were talking about. I'm always looking at her chest. It's like if the rock had boulders. It's incredible. You got to love Molly.

Lots of bits, lots of tits. She's got it all, folks. Do you like my necklace? A Kill Tony fan got it for me. Does that say retarded? Yeah. Wow. That is incredible.

A Kill Tony fan bought that for you? Yeah. Aw. Aren't they the best? Why do you think he got you a necklace that says retarded? Because I did an entire minute about how I like disabled guys. So this guy, what is he, an amputee or something like that? No, I had a lot of those in my DMs.

I think he was just really supportive. Right. That's adorable. Can you tell that there's amputees in your DMs usually just because of the misspellings? How do you know exactly? Well, that and then their picture will be like them in a wheelchair holding like an AK-47. Right. Always overcompensating for that missing limb.

It's just something that amputees do all over the world. They can't help themselves. You would do it too if you lost a limb. You would be there with an AK-47. I just remembered why I think I have a thing for disabled people. Okay. Why do you think this is? So in the town that I'm from, there was this guy named Andy.

He had Down syndrome. He was like 37 and I was like 14. Oh, shit. Was he Down stuff fuck? Yes. Yeah. Stupid. Easy.

Made the joke eight years ago on the show. 17 times since then. But go ahead. But he had a golf cart that he would ride around. It said Andy's ride on the front. And the back said, catch me if you can coppers. And he would just speed around and I would use him for rides. Like all the time.

You met the coolest Down syndrome dude in the history of the world. Yeah. Yeah, no. And we hit it off, but he would text me a million times a day. Sometimes it would be like, I love you. I love you, Freddie Kruger. I'm in the hospital like random shit. Whoa.

That's incredible. And one time he like kidnapped a kid at the park. He did? I don't know how to explain this to you, but this guy did not have Down syndrome. He was just a criminal who convinced you he had Down syndrome. I would always ride on the back of the golf cart because I was like, if his retard strength kicks in, he could grab me. And you know what I'm saying?

So I would like, I had an escape plan always. And I would just be like, can you pick me up from the park and take me to the football fields or whatever. Wow. That's incredible. And he's just out there driving around this 14 year old that's got the fucking, the, the breasts of what appears to be a mother nature or something like that. You look like you breastfed planet earth and water and oxygen was created from the milk

that came out of those voluptuous fucking front cannons that you have those fucking bouncy fucking. I mean, those things fucking hop around more than Joni Mitchell's playlist right now. Those things are, those things are, those things are, all right, anyway, he treated me like a queen. So I think that's what it was. He tried to make a what? He treated me like a queen.

So I think that's what it was. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. That's what people with Down syndrome do. Yeah. They are overly polite without a doubt. He definitely did something with you.

You might not remember it. Right. Like, or what, what do you do? That's like, nevermind. That's another set. Is that, are you going to use this as a minute one day? We're going to find out more about it. What's the last handicap guy that you've been with?

What's the last time? Who's the last disabled person you've been a little bit romantic with? It was actually a while ago. It was this guy with cerebral palsy and he's canceled now. He was in a pretty. Wait. He got canceled too? Yeah.

He was in like a pretty good band. They were like making it and then he got canceled. Why did he get canceled? I think he did something bad to a girl. Oh. Was it Crosby Steel as a Nash? They couldn't, no, but they could have just ran away. That's why I'm confused.

Right. Yeah. Like, he like. Right. Who stands around and lets a cerebral palsy guy hit him. Yeah. Yeah. Like, am I being a dick or if, if life handed you cerebral palsy, shouldn't you get like

three rapes on the house? Yeah. Like, I don't. Oh, I'm the insensitive one. Really? That's good. Dave, no. There's people like me that will just do it.

It's fine. Yeah. But that, that wasn't enough for him, was it? She does. She has a real fetish. She's into handicapped and disabled people and, and so this guy had cerebral palsy. What are we talking about? A little limp?

Do they have the arm? Do they have the. The wrist? I don't want to try to do it, but. We prefer if you did. Just imagine a, like a pretty drunk person from their waist down. Right. Like if you were drunk from the waist down, it was kind of.

Right. Did he fuck like he was drunk from the waist down? I did. I think a lot of the work, like titties in the lap. Right. Pussy in the lap. You know what I mean? Okay.

All right. Wow. Yeah. Somehow you are both incredibly hot and disgusting at the same time. It's almost shocking. Depends on exactly which part of your body I'm looking at at any given moment. Oh, you didn't like that one, huh? Woo.

Found a little Achilles heel in this one. Oh, some ladies are offended on your behalf. Look at this angry Mexican lady right here. Just stone facing me over here. Like some type of fucking Aztec. All right. Anyway, Molly. So this boyfriend of yours, you guys are in a real open relationship.

So you're just out here in Austin. You having fun? What are we talking about? Yeah, it's fun. I'm mostly just doing my own thing, but... Right. You ever hook up with a normal guy and you're like, can you just get like really drunk? Maybe a little.

Maybe a little. Right. But sometimes I... Do you mind if before we fuck I just give you Charlie horse in both legs? Do you like keyboard cleaner? Yeah. Can I let a bunch of bees sting you in the face? I'm used to down syndrome guys.

Yeah. Are you guys ready for Whippets? I would love to have you on the show Thursday. You're so fucking awesome. Whoa. Molly's on the show. Real stand-up show. Dreams coming true.

Follow her on social media. How did I get so sexy? There goes Molly Byvin, everybody. Are you guys ready for one last special treat? Huh? We have one last regular, everybody. You fucking know it. He's the anchor of the show.

I mean, the longest standing regular in the history of Kill Tony. Always a brand new minute. The big red machine himself. This is William Montgomery. The only way to end an episode like this. The red goat. Come on, people. Make some fucking noise.

I got a bunch of hard hitters tonight, so let's see how it goes. Let's see how this first one. Don't blame me for this whole mess. I voted for John Jacob Giegelheimer Schmidt. He's dead. Neil Young says that if Spotify doesn't kick Joe Rogan off the platform, he's not going to let Spotify play his music anymore. Can you imagine ever hearing Sweet Caroline again?

My buddy just got 5G on his phone, and he says the homosexual seizures aren't really that bad. If he stays in hiding, riddle me this. Have you ever seen Aziz and Sorry and Justin Trudeau in the same place? That's probably the best joke y'all have heard in here tonight. That means Justin Trudeau likes to dress up like an Indian person. That's why he's a little worried that everybody might not know what that meant. But that's the best joke y'all have heard tonight, so you're welcome.

All right, that's all I got. Thank you. There you go. Closing with a little best joke of the night there, William Montgomery. It's a tough position. You've debuted more minutes on this show than anybody in the history of the show. And there you are, just hitting... Hitting homers out here. Look at you, just referencing topical things.

Just fucking out here talking about Justin Trudeau. I know. I'm seeing how far I can go. I'm also seeing how far I can stand up here without having to take a shit. I'm literally about to shit in my pants. For those of you that don't know, William got a new crock pot a few weeks ago, and he's been exclusively only eating soup for three weeks. And I also got some raisin bran. I actually got two coupons for free raisin bran,

because I was eating a fucking bowl of raisin bran the other night. And one of the great pieces, like one of the hard pieces of grape stem was in it, and it almost fucking tore my mouth apart. You mean the raisin? Yeah, what did I say? You said grapes. Were there grapes in your raisin bran? Really old, right?

Yeah, before the raisin turns into the raisin, it's a grape. I was meeting a grape... Yeah, a grape stem. Wow. And I sent Kellogg's an email, and they sent me two free things, a Kellogg's raisin bran. So things are looking up, actually, finally, for the first time in months. Wow.

You really got two free? I did. I got two coupons for free raisin bran. I love that, because Kellogg's was probably like, holy shit, this is the first person who's ever complained about raisin bran. I guess just sending some boxes of this shit, man. Yeah. You've never had this before.

Yeah, it almost fucking destroyed my fucking mouth that night. I was eating, just watching television, and it was like a fucking spike in the goddamn bowl. I was pissed, and I fucking immediately got my little laptop out and sent Kellogg's a fucking email. Wow. Who was the raisin bran guy? It was like a son with sunglasses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two scoops. That son with sunglasses was sitting around a boardroom like, we can't afford a lawsuit. Buy him off. Bar bar bar, just send him two coupons. Bar bar bar bar. He has soft teeth.

This idiot thinks there was a grape in his raisin bran. I love it. Yeah, I try to play that off. Yeah, I think California raisins as well. Raisin bran used to have a rich history of strong advertisement. Look at them now. Now they have you out here complaining on a live. A victim of grape.

So, you got the, did you cash in on these boxes yet? Yeah, I did today. You can only use one at a time. Whoa. So next visit, I'll use the other one. There is a catch. Yep. Have you thought about perhaps going to different cereals?

Are you loyal to raisin bran? No, I need the fiber right now. I'm not kidding when I say I go fucking five days at a time without taking a shit. I need this fiber in my fucking life right now. Yeah, what we've learned is that if you only eat soup, all you do is pee. I TT a bunch now.

I really do just all the time. You TT? Yeah, I TT a bunch. TT? Yeah, what do you call it? From your pee pee. Pee pee. Yeah, it's a totally different letter.

You call it pee pee? I call it TT. Oh, no, you don't. Yeah, I call it TT. You call it pee pee? Everyone calls it pee pee. No, no, no. He's talking about.

We don't care about what you have to fucking say, red band. Shut up. Nobody uses shit about whatever the fuck you're about to say. Hey, I'm trying to explain you. Shut the fuck up, red band. Hey, I'm trying to explain you. You're kidding me. You were so good to know.

Shut the fuck up. No, it's bad podcasting if you yell back. All right. Jesus Christ. He's talking about his name. Get him off the stage. He's talking about the name of his shit. Somebody get him off.

Get his ass off. I'm sick of him being up here. Okay, my voice is starting to hurt. My voice, my throat is starting to hurt. Yeah, it's probably for giving blowjobs, you bitch. What the fuck did you do? Yeah, you little bitch. You're in a cock-sucking bitch.

Shut the fuck up. There you go. Your guys' fucking arguments are the weirdest thing I've ever been around in my entire life. I'm new to this. Is this real right now? Is this? They have a rivalry and it really heated up a few weeks ago

because William said, let's make it true. So I don't want to argue anymore. And he put his hand out and red band shook it. And William had one of those, like, things on his hand. And red band got so scared that he shuffled his gigantic hips and broke the steel chair that he's sitting on. So he went, oh, like that. And it was the funniest thing ever.

And we all laughed so hard. Yeah, in the end, red band hasn't fully recovered. You looked like an idiot, red band. You know, you didn't look like an idiot when you were trying to kiss me the week after he admitted it. What the fuck? Ah, kiss me. All right.

Why would you even say that? I mean, they should give each other a big kiss. I would love it. Oh, why don't you get over there? Let me get in there. Give them one little peck. Here we go. The greatest moment in the history of the show.

Oh, my God. Please. That's so stupid. All right, all right, all right. This is literally the most retarded show. I can't believe we have actual sponsors. Yellow Rose, Red Rose, White Claw. I mean, anyway.

So how long have you been sober now? Shit, I don't know. Nine months, baby. Nine months. Look at that. It's not a good thing. I don't know why y'all are clapping and jeering. Come on.

It seems like you're having fun. Who needs alcohol when you have soup and raisin brand? You know what I mean? He tasted like raisin bread, by the way. If this place served soup and raisin brand, none of these people would be drinking. They would all be fucking... Yeah, drunk.

You would have just taken that raisin brand cut and forgot about it. What the fuck are you talking about, dude? Stop. William, don't yell at the guys. No, I was making an excellent point, by the way. Yeah, go ahead, Dave. This is the future you as president.

Yeah, respect the office. Sober you had the wherewithal to get two free brands. I'm building you up, bro. Okay, well, thank you. William. William, you are... I appreciate it. Oh, my God.

You are a fire... Seriously, I appreciate it. Thank you. I messed up. I didn't know what you were going to say. For those of you that don't know, William has two unregistered guns that he keeps around him at all times.

Do you have any on you or are they in your car tonight? I have one. You have one in your waistband right now? Yup. Oh, my goodness. How exciting is this? Nine months sober, angry at Raisin' Bran. No, I'm kidding.

I know somebody's going to murder me after this. I need to stop talking about the guns. It's something that keeps me up at night now. I think I've made a really bad mistake continuing to talk about fucking pistols. Somebody's going to murder me. I have nightmares about it all the time now, so I'm just kidding, y'all.

I don't have a gun on me. No guns. Actually, I do. There you go. There you go. Right when you think it's over, he pulls you in. Now this guy's scaring me. All right.

Just for the record, I think it was fucked up the way Brian talked to you before. Cool. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry, dude. He's got guns. I've known you longer, but he's psycho.

Yeah. What'd you just say? Huh? What the fuck did you just say? No, dude. It's like a slang. It's like when the kids say... No, I know what it means

and I know what you fucking said. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. How about a hand for our guest all the way from New York City? Make some noise for my good friend, Dave Smith, everybody. Follow him on social media at Comic Dave Smith. This is literally one of my favorite people on Twitter.

I agree with every single one of his political views if you're curious. You ever want to know where I stand? I stand with future president Dave Smith. He's also famous, of course, from the Legion of Skanks podcast, our brothers from Mother Mothers. And we did it again.

The amazing drawing from Ryan Jebelt is available at ryanjebelt.com for this episode. How about a hand for the band, everybody? It's a screwball being a better whiskey kill Tony band. Matt Mueling on guitar, everyone. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. And D-Madness on the bass guitar. I see the great Avery in the corner

with a bunch of kill Tony merch. Nether Hour is about to play. We're about to have more live music and live fun right here. We did it again. Live audience, thank you so much, everybody. Thanks, guys. Good night, y'all. Music plays

Mali! Mali! Mali! Mali! Mali! Mali! Mali! Mali!