KILL TONY - #545 - AKAASH SINGH

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

Akaash Singh, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, Ellis Aych, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/07/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:FITBOD! – Kick the new year off right, and get started on your customized fitness plan from Fitbod!-Get 25% off a membership when you sign up now at Fitbod.me/KILL—BOX OF AWESOME!! Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “killtony” at checkout.—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

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I love it. And before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The 2022 tour starts now. I'm doing stand-up comedy by myself in Las Vegas, Nevada. Holland, Michigan, the 25th of February. Grand Rapids, the 26th. Raleigh, North Carolina, March 11th and 12th. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

I'm back with you again. It's been a while. April 8th and 9th. Miami, Florida, April 21st to the 23rd. Phoenix, May 5th to the 7th. Salt Lake City, Wise Guys, one of the best clubs in the world. May 20th and 21st. And more dates are being added regularly.

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I actually started with this guy 15 years ago in Los Angeles and I've gotten to watch him accomplish so many great things. He's one of the hosts of the Flagrant 2 podcast. His debut special just came out this weekend. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Akash Singh, everybody. He's here live on a Monday night. One more time for Akash, everybody. We're here. Let's give him a fucking Texas welcome.

They're not used to seeing people the exact color that you are. They're a little bit confused right now, Akash. I'm not used to seeing this much of white, so let's have some fun. You and me, buddy, we're in this together. Hey, there is one over there. Look at that guy. Oh, I noticed. I love it. Akash, welcome to the show. Your debut special, Bring Back a Pooh, available right now at Akash Singh Comedy on YouTube.

Go to YouTube, set the fucking, set it in your calendar, your reminders, whatever. Go watch it, Bring Back a Pooh, APU. That's Akash Singh, A-K-A-A-S-H. You have three As in your first name. It's Mad Ace. Wow. It's unnecessary to be honest with you. Goodness gracious. That's a lot.

Check out the special, though. Half a million views in two days. You're doing it, dude. You're living the fucking dream. Wait till you get the Kill Tony bump. You have no fucking idea what's about to happen. You did Rogan today, but I'm telling you. It's actually the Kill Tony bump. I feel it.

You're going to see it. You know what you're doing here. We're watching a bunch of stand-up comedians try their best. A bunch of people signed up before the show. If I pull their name out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten? You can barely hear that. There you go.

And then that time is up. If they go longer than that, they're going to bring out the West Hollywood Bear, which is loud and annoying, so you don't want to do that. They're going to stick to their time. And then afterwards I ask them questions. We find out more about them. You guys excited to be here tonight? Your first comedian is actually a regular on the show.

Since the show's inception almost nine years ago, we've always had a select few people that we choose to write and perform brand new minutes every single week. Very tough thing to do in stand-up comedy, is to do a new minute every week. This guy makes it look easy. He was made a regular here just a few months ago. Thanks so much for the great Hans Kim, everybody.

Hey, what's up guys? I'm tired of getting parking tickets. That's why I took all the windshield wipers off my car. Why keep an open line of communication with someone who never says anything nice? I like how there's extra security in airports on 9-11, as if it's the date that's the problem. And not our foreign policy. They're like, 11 days in a September, these terrorists got a little kooky.

I like the idea of a terrorist flipping through the calendar, like, oh look, 9-11 is coming up. We should do something nice. What America? I saw a trans person in Austin recently. I saw a bicyclist who identified as an automobile. Use your turn signals, Kia. Thank you.

Hans Kim! With exactly 60 seconds, always on the dot. Making it look easy yet again, and welcome back Hans. How are you? I'm doing amazing, Tony. What in the fucking world are you wearing right now? I mean, is this like a gift to me so that I could just tee off on you? Or is this actually something that you think is acceptable to wear in public?

You're dressed like an old Taco Bell. That is the color scheme of one thing and one thing only. And it is the former color scheme of the insides of Taco Bells. Even D-Madness knows what it looks like now. I hear him laughing back here. There's some scraggly things there. It's almost like a graduation cap at the bottom. I mean, aren't your people supposed to be the best dry cleaners?

Like, what happened here? What the fuck is that, Hans? It's a flannel from Aviator Nation. Oh, wow. Jesus, isn't that place expensive? I've heard that before. How'd you get that? We did a show there, a comedy show, and then they just gave away clothing.

They gave you the defective clothing today? Did they give away anything that is actually a presentable little? I thought this was pretty nice. Did you pick that? Did they have a pile of stuff and they grabbed something on your way out? Yeah. You're like, oh, what's these yellow strings? I'll take this shirt.

Well, I thought I could just burn it off later. I just didn't have to. Ew. Oh, there you go. All right, Hans. So is this your first time wearing it? Yeah. Has anybody complimented you today?

Like, hey, nice shirt. Yeah. Really? Uh-huh. Who? Bobby. I want to know the exact person's name in their address. I think it was Philip Garcia.

Oh, that makes sense. How's life been going this week, Hans? What's happening? What have you been doing? I survived snowmageddon 2022. Yeah. What did you do for the snow? I hunkered down with my beautiful Detroit stripper.

That's right. We met Elise last week, a famously bad stripper from Detroit. She did. She danced for us without taking off her clothes because she said she was a bad stripper. Anyway, it was God awful. And then she spent a few days here. We were doing stand-up shows together. You kept bringing her to the green room, really just a really mediocre person to keep

around. Some of the great artists that you have the chance to work with. I mean, this fucking guy will introduce literally anyone to Joe Rogan. It is unbelievable. You would think, oh, wow, you got that close to someone like that. You might have some fucking filter restrictions, but nope. He'll introduce a girl with a fucking syringe hanging right out of her vein. Hey, Joe, this is my friend Elise.

And Joe's so cool, of course, he plays into it. Oh, you're with Hans. He's a genius. Elise is a great lady. Elise, more like short-term rental. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I should have thought of that last week when she made her debut on the show.

But yeah, you don't want to buy that, Elise, for sure. Have you moved on from hand jobs? She's only been giving you hand jobs. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was a different girl. Then Elise flew in last week from Detroit and she started letting Hans have protected sex with her. Yeah.

Full intercourse. He's Asian, though, so he puts a condom and a mask on it. So it's very, very safe. Extra safe. Yeah, we love masks. No strings attached on his shirt. Anyway, so we did it. Wait, you flew her in for protected sex?

That's gayer than your shirt. Oh, fuck. Did she fly back to Detroit? Yeah, she extended her trip to Saturday because we were having a good time. Yeah? What would you guys do? Tell us something that we don't know about. We did doggy style.

Whoa. But he's Korean, so when he says doggy style, that means he ate her out. I shoot guns now, motherfuckers. I light off illegal fireworks. Fuckers, please. We might have to edit that out of the podcast. That might be just for the live audience only. I don't know.

I'm going to have to check with the people at what can get us canceled this week. All right. I think we just lost the red rose and the yellow rose, everybody. I'm kidding. They'll actually pay us double for jokes like that. There's Cody up there hanging off the rail, the general manager of the yellow rose. He's a midget, if you're wondering. So that makes it extra exciting for us.

Cody, jump down here. Ride the speaker chain down here so that the people can see you. Come through this tube of chocolate that you travel through. No, don't do it. Stay back. That would be so funny. I'm a fucking little person just right through the table like a Buffalo Bills fan. All right.

Hans, you're unbelievable. Is there anything else we need to know about? I'm moving into a house tomorrow. Whoa. Look at you. Whose house? What happened here? This guy just texted me out of the blue.

He's like, I have a house. I was like, I'll live inside of it. Oh, wow. That's incredible. That's just absolutely. I can't wait for next week's interview. We find out that you're getting butt raped every now and then. Now all of your shirts look like that.

It's funny for a few reasons actually now that I think about it. I'm glad to give up the van life. I hope to come to you well rested and you know. Indeed. Does this guy seem sane? I mean, I literally, by the way, I purposefully, I don't know if you guys know this, but I purposefully don't ask these guys questions like throughout the week in order to keep it fresh for every Monday.

Things like this. Like I had no idea that you're moving into a house with a complete fucking stranger. Yeah. Well, one is a comedian. Wait, what? One's a comedian to work the door at a comedy club. Oh, okay. I had no idea.

I just knew the comedian that asked me. I said yes. And then I found out. Oh, I knew everyone else. So there's a bunch of people in a house. It's not just you moving in with some guy. Yeah. No.

Right. Total different thing. Yeah. Other people, are they all just white guys? Yeah. All right. Pretty much. Nice.

There's like a real world Seattle over there. There's all white guys, one Asian guy walking around. And whoever you fly in, Lord knows this guy's got a fucking plan. Yeah. Have you at least been talking since she's been back in Detroit? Yeah. Yeah. She said she wanted me to bend her over.

Wow. When she says things like that, does that make blood rush to your private parts? Yeah. Those answers are just unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah, I really like her, Tony. Yeah, I can't figure out if he's got ass burgers or if he's just every Korean. Yeah.

Every week I'm trying to do the math on it. I should have him do the math on it. We'll actually have an answer. Hans, I love you so much. You're killing it at this job. Congratulations. Another brand new minute from Hans. Thank you, Tony.

All right. This is where shit gets crazy. I'm reaching into a bucket now. And some of these people historically on the show, sometimes it's somebody's first time ever, sometimes it's someone fresh out of prison. Anything can happen here. Sometimes it's a local legend here to shine and get attention.

Let's see what happens here. Kicking off the bucket portion of the show. Your first comedian is Tyler Quick. Tyler Quick. Nope. Here comes Tyler. You guys excited to be here tonight? I have seasonal depression.

So tonight I'm going to dress up like an ornament and then hang myself. It's not sad, mom. I'm being festive. My sister's a child prodigy. Wait, I messed it up. My sister likes child pornography. Completely different thing. She doesn't like that I mentioned that publicly,

but I don't like that she likes to watch kids fuck. Ball's in your court, woman. I lied to women a lot, but not in a bad way, like in a fun way. Like, what woman doesn't want to leave Austin thinking she fucked Edward Snowden? Told that joke last week, and a woman came up to me grabbing by the dick.

It was like, I love Edward Snowden. It was like, I know you do, bitch. Let's go to Russia. Russia was my car parked at the end of 6th Street. I got my dick sucked at the end of 6th Street. Bunch of homeless people are watching though. It's fine. They're not real. They're like elves. They're only real if you believe in them, and I don't fucking believe in them,

so I had a great time. Thank you. Tyler, quick. Welcome to the show, Tyler. Thank you. How's it going, man? Pretty good. How long have you used your first time here?

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Uh, nine months. Nine months, and where are you from? Seattle. Seattle? Okay. Did you move here or are you just visiting? Uh, moved here. Sweet.

In the first summertime, yeah. Heck yeah. Awesome. I love it. Why do you appear to be both 12 and 55 at the same time? I don't know. I can't answer that. You look like you're your own father and son. It is quite incredible. I have no idea. You look like you're really going to teach yourself a lesson today.

It's an incredible look. How old are you? 24. 24 years old. Absolutely. What do you do? Um, I was an admin assistant for a company, but I was recently fired, so I'm unemployed now. Wow. Why'd you get fired? Um, they wanted me to show up on time,

and I had a problem with that. Wow. You're not into showing up on time. I would have guessed you show up 15 minutes early with a face like yours. Just hunky dory and ready for the day, boss. That's what I picture you being like, but I guess not. All right. No, not at all. So what are you going to do? How are you going to survive?

Um, well, they paid me money, so I'm just going to hopefully get another job. Maybe DoorDash, like everyone else. I don't know. All right. What are you into? You're a 24-year-old. You live here in Austin now. What are you doing now for fun that you couldn't do in Seattle? Um, comedy.

Right. Um, I like to skateboard. I mostly just skateboard and do comedy. Okay. Yeah. Seattle's shut down right now. Wow. Your face does not match your life at all. It's incredible. Thank you. Thank you.

Have you always, have you always looked this way, like glasses and, uh, the haircut? Let's sort of, uh... I don't know. I'd have to look at photos. I'd have to get back to you on that. I couldn't say that for sure. You don't remember. No.

Okay. You exercise? Um, a little bit. What kind of exercises do you do? I feel like we're about to find out something really interesting. You seem like the kind of guy that has one of those, like, ab rollers on a wheel or something like that. No, I'm not. I mostly just skateboard. That's kind of exercise.

Oh. Okay. Yeah. Kind of. I'll run sometimes. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. It's basically like the fucking gym, dude. Kind of. Yeah.

Okay. What's your love life like? Because you seem like the kind of guy that fucking gets, like, for some reason, you would just pound an 11. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. No one knows how, but everybody's like, yeah, you fucking did it.

You see who fucking Tyler left with last night? When you say 11, you mean years old? Oh, shit, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What types of girls are you into, Tyler?

What's your dream girl? Dream girl? Yeah. Big, voluptuous, black woman. God, I would pay to see that. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? No?

Okie dokie. Yeah. People don't want to watch you have sex with a big, voluptuous, black woman. I'd like to see what kind of damage you could do to that. I'd like to see if you could leave it dead. I mean, we can do it next week if you want. If you want to hook it up.

Did you just play Darth Vader? Because I said a big, voluptuous, black woman? You assume she's a heavy breather red band? That is not very nice. That is not nice at all. Ok, what is your dream girl like? What does she look like to you? Close your eyes and tell us, Tyler.

Close my eyes and tell us? You don't have to close your eyes. Just tell us. Just tell you? Why? I mean, should I describe my girlfriend or no? Oh, you have a girlfriend? Yeah.

Wow. You are full of surprises, my friend. Hey, Tony, I got a skateboard and a girlfriend. Peace out, dude. Alright, Bart Simpson, let's do this. What's this girlfriend like? She's blonde and jewelry. That's pretty much...

Did you say jewelry? Yeah. She's like a blonde Jew. She's white. Or as Hitler would call it, 50-50. And Arnold Palmer. And almost perfect. The old, like, glass is half something.

Blonde Jew, where did you find her at? I found her at my work. At my work together. Yeah? Yeah. But she didn't get fired. No, she did not get fired. Was she disappointed in you when you got fired?

No, she was ok with it. Ok. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to bring perhaps a Sudoku into the... sheets with you or something like that? No, not really. No? Pretty average.

Your girlfriend doesn't ever compliment you? Like, wow, you do that better than anybody? Never heard that before? No, I've never heard that before. She sounds like a real ho, Tyler. I love it. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Like anything you would do in a talent show other than stand-up comedy?

Other than stand-up comedy, special talent. Oh, no, not really. No? My father's a professional puppeteer or was? Whoa! So, that's a special skill. You just were dying to pull that lightsaber out. It made no sense for puppeteer whatsoever.

I saw the lightsaber here loaded up like two minutes ago and I'm like, I don't know what he's... What are you doing? I don't know what he's planning for here and you're like, puppeteering, this is the moment. So stupid. No, it's not and you're a fucking idiot. All right, Tyler, any other fun? I feel like we're missing something here.

Like I'm trying to find out the most interesting thing about you. Is there anything other than your father being a puppeteer? Anything crazy you ever saw as a kid? Any part of history that you were ever... Any part of history that I saw as a kid. I did mushrooms the other day and I brought back some memories. Like what? I didn't burn down a church, but I set a church on fire.

Now we're fucking talking. Now we're talking. Get rid of the lightsaber. Get your actual soundboard up and get an opportunity to be comedic happens. Okay. So what are you talking about? You lit a church on fire. I was messing around.

I was a child and I accidentally bumped over. They have big red Jesus curtains in churches. I bumped over a candle and it did some structural damage to the roof. Okay. What was happening? You were hanging out with the priest and things got a little... No, no priest. A little bump and grind.

The father, the son and the Holy Spirit. That's a great callback, but again, it would have been better seven minutes ago. All right. Well, Tyler, so much fun. You're a real, real interesting creature. You seem like a real good boy, but according to you, you're just a punk with a skateboard. Possibly. I don't know.

What have you bought on the dark web before? That's actually a good question. Mushrooms. I bought mushrooms. You really did? Yeah. You didn't buy them from a human being? No, I got them shipped from the dark web.

Are you serious? Wow. I knew it. Yeah. You dark web people can know how to spot it. Tyler, congratulations. Here's a big joke book, Handmade Texas Leather. Check that out, Akash.

Is that cool or what? There you go. Heck yeah. Tyler Quick, his Kill Tony debut. You had a great set. Yeah. I'm McLovin' it. That's a joke I wanted to do when he was here, but I forgot to.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Phillip Garcia, everybody. Phillip Garcia. This guy's been on this show before. He's a very funny man, I do believe. Phillip Garcia, making his way to this stage. We've seen this young man before, a local talent. Here he is again. One more time for Phillip Garcia, everybody.

Terrified to die in a car crash and trip on stage when you get on. That's pretty bad. Terrified to die in a car crash. I'm not terrified of the carnage. I'm terrified of the embarrassment of whatever song is going to be blaring out my windows when the cops pull up to the scene of the crime. Because I will be drunk. It's my skeleton burning in the front seats screaming.

Let's go girls. It's the weirdest battle cry to clean up a dead body. Best part about being a- I think there's this teeth right here, that's really crazy. Or they pull up and it's a fender bender, totally savable. Sleepelts wrap around the neck. Walking up to save me and they hear Oh well we all just don't want to be

Big rock stars that live in here on top of mansions driving. Yeah. They're like, what do we do chief, do we save them? You hear that sound son? You let them go. Alright that's my time thinking, I'm Phillip Garcia. Alright Phillip Garcia, that's a real bit, that's a minute long bit. That's cool.

Hell yeah, it's been a while since I've been up. Yeah, how long has it been? Like eight months probably. Wow, so you were at, it was at the venue down the street. That shall not be named, yeah. You haven't been at one at Vulcan? Not at Vulcan yet. Look at you.

Welcome. Excited to be here. Hell yeah, absolutely. A lot better stage too. Yeah, literally everything's better than the venue down the street. Even the staff. Yeah, every single part of it, the staff, the service, the cleanliness. I mean, I don't know if you guys know this but

but Antones actually has a problem with their sewage where sometimes the building literally farts and the sewage air from the sewage tanks goes up into the venue and into your nostrils. Wait a second. Yeah, this actually happens at Antones. Wow. A lot of people know this but it's been a while since I brought them up

since they said via Twitter that I was a racist and I just remembered now that sometimes they have sewage problems there so I just felt the need to share it with you even though we haven't performed there in eight months. I just remembered now that the sewage there is bad and can deeply affect you in a great many ways so something to keep in mind. I'd like to immediately apologize to Gary Clark Jr.

who's listening to this podcast right now and literally can't believe that I still will not let Antones off the hook for what they did. But that's good. We don't burn bridges here. No. Okay, that's right. You're still here. Hi, Phillip Garcia.

How are you? I'm doing pretty good. So what have you been doing since we saw each other last? It's been eight months. I started working here as a door guy and then basically just trying to get more embedded in the Austin comedy scene doing some road gigs. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up overall?

Four years now. Four years. And all of it here? No, I started in Houston for a year, three years up in DFW and then came down here during the day of 500 actually. Killed 2500. Right.

Yeah, that's all here, man. You just named three places. Yeah, it's Texas, right? Yeah, I guess. That's all here. You're a real Texan. Born and raised in Houston? No, DFW, Dallas-Fort Worth.

Same. Really? Hell yeah. You two? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Wow.

So some of us make it. You probably won't, but hey, whatever. There you go. Yeah. There's a guy right there. Yeah, I know. Phillip, what do you do for fun? Man, I've been disc golf.

I've been getting back into disc golf a lot lately. Oh, I see that. I look like it, yeah. All right. Okay. Let's see what else. It's Austin, so I've been getting handed like fistfuls of raw mushrooms. I did DMT for the first time because of this city.

Wow. How was that for you? You like DMT? One time was good. Yeah. Like at one point. Yeah. Like the grass being sniffed by a cow.

Whoa. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. And Bigfoot is real. That's like all I have to say about it.

Right. Right. What do you think that meant that you're a blade of grass and the cow is sniffing you? That was just like, what? As a slightly overweight man, what do you think that meant during your DMT? To be a blade of grass as a big man? Yeah, as a big man. What do you think the universe chose to show you that?

That you are a cow. Again, you are a cow. No, I'm the blade of grass being sniffed by the cow. I'm telling you though. Yeah, I'm the cow. Yeah. Yeah. I said everything right that I wanted to say.

It's been perfectly. Now, what do you think that means? I don't, it was just like a really quick montage of basically what felt like telling you that you're everything in a weird way. Right. Yeah. You're like, what's the time? Right.

You're like, hot pockets take too long. You're like, oh, you know, just. None of those meetings is lose weight. Yeah, I could. Just curious. Yeah. That's why I got a job here. This is like my idea of a fat person's workout regime is working the door on six.

What's your love life like, Phillip? I picture you with a girl that looks just like you. No, no, all my exes are pretty hot. Like, I hate to be like, I hate to float my own boat, but I do pretty well. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm in a relationship.

Been in a relationship for four months. Okay. What did she do? She's a musician. Wow. What instrument? Guitar, keyboard. Okay.

Did she sing at all? Yeah, really well. So she's hot. She's a musician. She sings. I have no idea what I'm doing. Yeah. What do you have?

If you had to guess what it is. I mean, you work here, so you're poor. Yeah. So if you had to guess what it is exactly that she likes about you, what do you think it is? It's got to be either personality or penis. You son of a bitch. You did it again, Red Band.

You did it again. And we know it's not the personality. So let's talk about that fucking belated grass you got in your pants. You know what I'm saying? What are we talking about? I'm like, I'm half Mexican. I think I have good hip movement. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. I got those fucking Home Depot hips. Jesus, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. That was awesome. I love it. I love it when that happens. Interesting. Hey, we found out during Hans Kim said that you're the only one that complimented on

his pumpkin spice. That is true. No, I would never tell a man to wear frayed clothing ever. That's just, I'm from here. I'm from Texas. Why would I tell someone? Wow, he lied about it. Okay.

I don't think I did. He said it was you. Okay. What kind of car do you have? Honda 2016 HRV. 2016 HRV. Yeah. I don't know.

That's the nicest thing I own. Actually, kill Tony 500, like total out the last car. So that's why I have a new one. Wait, what do you mean? I got that flat tire. It like messed up a steering rod and then a hellstorm came and all that just totaled it out in that one weekend. Wow.

That's right. For like one week, he had the worst luck. Every day, it was like my car got totaled. This happened, this happened. Yeah. Except I got, I kept getting pulled three weeks in a row here and that was the only good luck I was having at that time of my life. Well, there you go.

Yeah. It looks like your luck is changed again. Congratulations. Thanks, man. New minute. You've gotten a joke book before or now? Nope. Never?

Here, take one of these. Hell yeah. That's another, made by the great Bonesi out on Instagram, B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. He and makes those. This is fun. Mike Eaton is next here on the show. We know him as well. This is a young man that has been signing up for the show since it's days in Los Angeles,

California, at its former home of the comedy stories. Here again, one more time for Mike Eaton. Hello. I know. That's my voice. Just to tell a tub he grew up, here I am. Oh, man. I went and got my hair done.

I got in the Uber to leave and the guy was like, hey, man, what do you do? I was like, I'm a comic. He goes, oh, can I tell you a joke? I was like, fuck. Yeah, I guess. What? He goes, you look like Gay Theory. Cool, man.

One stars. You're at work. What are you doing? I got home and I told my wife about it. She's like, no, babe, you look like Ursula Transitioned. Fucking domestic violence. What are you doing, babe? So mean.

My wife's on your team. She also thinks I'm gay. She introduces me as her gay husband. She's like, this is my gay husband, Mike. Like, babe, stop. It's a good time. It's a good time. I do wish I was gay.

I'd be a lot further in comedy. If I could suck my dick to the top, it'd be, I'm ready. I'm going to buy a pussy next. That's, there it is. Hello. Mike Eaton, welcome back to the show. Electric. I'm here.

That's the most exercise I've done in a while. Wow. Look at you, you little bundle of joy. I like your style, dude. Just coming up with straight up energy. I love this. Not straight energy, but I know. Yeah, I can't figure out what's going on with you.

You're like a guy that was raised with only two channels. Food Network and Bravo. It was Cinemax for soft-core porn. Just Spider-Babe and Waffles. That's my whole diet. What do you think about this guy, Akash? He was raised with two channels and no father's. Yeah, he really looks like you need someone to slap you around a little bit, Mike.

Yeah, my mom's smaller than me, so. Wow. Yeah. Okay. That's fun. Where are you from originally? Southlake, like Fort Worth area, North Texas. Okay.

Yeah. Look, some rich people. They know where it is. Yeah. You have rich parents? I used to. What happened? I used to.

My dad's bad at math, I guess. 2000. He was rich and then just poor and I get blamed for all of it. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah. What did he do for work? He was a lawyer.

Okay. Now he teaches at a women's college in Bangladesh, so. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Women go to college in Bangladesh? Yeah. He left you.

You gay motherfucker. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There are no colleges. Holy shit. He left me. Oh, my goodness gracious.

Yeah. Akash sings debut comedy special, bring back a poo available on YouTube. You are absolutely right. I didn't even notice that. Yeah. Oops. Women's college in Bangladesh. Do you communicate with them ever?

Over WhatsApp because we can't text anymore because he's in Bangladesh. Right. It's very weird and the time zone difference. Mostly it's just him sending me news articles and be like, hey, you could do a comedy about this. Yeah. He's always like tigers loose in Bangladesh. Isn't that a thing?

Yeah. And also they just shit in the street. That's been his big complaint. Humans do? Yeah. Wow. He was very upset because he's like, I used to have 10 bathrooms and now it's just the street.

You're like, dad, I work on 6th Street. I know what that's like. We have a lot in common pops. Hell yeah. Okay. So you have a wife. How long have you been married? A little over a year.

A little over a year. What does she do? She's a manager at a restaurant. She, they have to get food for me somehow. So I got to work in the inside. Oh my goodness. Just show up for deliveries. I'm right there.

Makes total sense. Did you have a pig queued up? Yeah. Yeah. He's had that loaded up since he saw your face. I mean my last name's eaten. It really is. You are built for whatever that is.

There it is. Were you sniffing a blade of grass recently? Mike, tell us what you do for fun. You seem like a guy that has fun all the time. Do you do serious drugs? Yeah. Okay. I love them.

Yeah. I did too much DMT and I had to stop. Wow. Because I thought I was dying a lot. So DMT happens in your brain naturally when you die? Uh-huh. And KFC happens in your belly. Oh boy.

That was good. That was fucking fun. If I could vape it, I would, you know? Okay. So DMT happens in your brain. We have a... Thank you. Thank you, Joe.

He's so powerful right now that he literally can just speak to us anytime he wants. He's gained a new power, everybody. You thought he had a lot of listeners on his podcast. Even the DMT entities say the n-word, so... Mike, that's the one part of this you're going to regret saying. Go back, go back. Swing and a miss, sir. Okay.

So you did so much DMT though. What happened? I would just like hear like a good song and then I would think I was dying because I would get those same tingles that you get when you first do DMT. Have you done it? Yeah. So you know when you like, did you vape it or did you free base? This is probably too much.

My bad. I smoked it out of a device that was handed to me to smoke it out of a glass. Perfect. Pipe-esque type of a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that way it hits you faster. So like those tingles, right, right when it comes up like kind of feels like freesong, is that feeling you get when you hear good music?

Are you sure you're just your feet weren't falling asleep or something like that? You are. It is just type 2 diabetes. I thought I was tripping. DMT. Yeah. So I'm on a break from that, so I've just been doing mushrooms. Just mushrooms.

They're easier. You can do a couple grams of those and just do this. Do you exclusively only eat them on pizza? Do you do a lot of late night eating, Mike? Your shape is that of someone that eats very late at night. I do. I got yelled at by a guy from a food truck because he hadn't seen me in so long. Yeah.

Sam from Halal Time. We're on a first name basis. We sent him a Christmas card this year. Wow. Last year. Wow. You're on a first name basis with the guy at Halal Time. Yeah, I get to skip the line.

It's really cool. It's like the only place I'm a celebrity is at food trucks. Wow. You are morbidly obese. Not yet. Yeah, huh. Okay. That's the definition of it.

Yeah, huh. Yeah. Unless you're Drs. Anthony Fauci in which case I guess nothing matters. Works for me. He would say he's not morbidly obese. You're doing a good job is what he would say. He would say just keep getting those boosters. You fucking hunk of shit.

I'm just kidding. Mike and I. Free drugs. I'll do them. I know, Mike. All right. Mike, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Whoa.

Yeah. Look at that. Doing a real stand-up show. Yeah. You ever get one of these actual kill Tony Jocals before you write on paper, right? Look at that. Absolutely. Not a lot of people.

There he goes. Mike Eaton, everybody. All right. Let's get another regular up here. We have a new regular that fills in for David Lucas when he's not here. And he is here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Ellis H. Here he is.

It's a brand new minute by one of our other regulars, Ellis H. I like that. What am I ladies at? Oh, yeah. Ladies, I don't know who I'm talking to tonight, but that old man that you are friends with at work is not your friend. That man is trying to clap your cheeks with extreme prejudice. Like, I don't understand what's the deal with younger women not perceiving older men

as sexual beings. Like, oh my God, he's so cute. He's like a puppy. This man is no damn puppy trying to fuck you. That man is trying to have sex with you. Nasty, filthy sex. So much so that he's willing to risk it all. Because, you know, sex for an older man is a matter of life and death.

You want to know why I know? Because Viagra was one of the side effects. Heart attack. You know what that means? That means a nut ain't the only thing that's going to be busting in that motherfucker. Man. But how long Viagra lasts? How long Viagra lasts, man?

I don't, okay. Like, six hours or so? Or shit, I would... All right, y'all, man. Hell yeah. Finish it. You did finish it. All right, man.

Shit. I don't know how long Viagra lasts. What, like, how long is that? Like, six hours or so? Man, I would hate to die two hours into that, bitch. You locked out of heaven with a hard dick. Just like, Jesus! Let me in!

Please! All right, now I see why you wanted to end it earlier. There it is. H. Going into heaven with a hard dick, I get it. Absolutely. Ellis, welcome again. Welcome back.

How are you? Want to grab that microphone? Oh, shit. I'm tripping, bro. Yeah, I'm doing good. What's going on? Nothing much, man. I got two movies coming out by the grace of God.

Really? Hell yeah. Friday and next Friday? Stupid. Stupid. I walked right into that, bitch. Nah, man, shit. I think he means cheer season three and four.

Hell yeah. I don't know what that means. What are these movies? What are these movies, Ellis? It means you're gay. I'm gay? Yes. You look like a fucking Indian leprechaun.

Oh, no. That's the best guy. Fun fact, Ellis literally doesn't know how to roast. Hey, I'm just kidding. Hey, look, I couldn't roast over a goddamn campfire, so I'm not going to start. Literally, Ellis doesn't have the roast muscle in his body, but it was fun to see you try there for a second.

You called a, what appears to be a Middle Eastern looking Indian man a leprechaun, which is just literally the opposite of anything that would be accepted is any answer. I mean, there's so many things you could have said, and you chose literally one of the whitest types of people. Leprechauns are extremely white. Do you know this, Ellis? Have you ever seen the leprechaun?

I mean, I first with Lucky Charms, dude. That's my favorite cereal. Hey, the eyes are green and just threw me off, man. My real shit turned out to hypnotize my ass. It's all good. Ellis, how's life been going? You've been doing stand up all around town. Yes, sir.

You have a lot of energy. How do you make money remind us? I do lift. That's right. Driving people around all day. Were you driving during the snowstorm? Huh? Were you doing some driving during the snowstorm?

No, I wasn't. No, I fuck all that, no. I don't like driving at night. I don't drive at night. I just drive there in the day and shit. Why don't you eat? Why don't you eat? D-Madness drives at night.

He's a genius. The walk off home run by D-Madness as he goes pee. The only cast member that pees every episode of the show, by the way. It's not pee. I don't know how those things correlate. You must feel it extra. When he has to pee, he must really have to pee. Sometimes I'm surprised his name is not P-Madness.

It's very interesting that it's a D and not a P. The guy loves peeing. I mean, he pees every episode. There's one thing I noticed about your set tonight and the last few sets that I think we've all forgot to tell you is that you really need to put your microphone really close to your mouth. Yeah, you really, you really, yeah. My bad. You're bad.

Like my bad, like, you know, I thought I had some haters. They're like, you need to put the microphone to your mouth. I'm like, you're just jealous, bitch. But then that's like everybody's telling me that. So I'm fucking up. Yeah. Do you have like bad hearing or something? Are you listening while performing or just sort of just talking?

Dude, I'm just feeling it. I don't give a fuck, man. I'm just out here. Just living it, bro. Feeling the vibe. Woo! All right. A lot of people that don't prepare and aren't professionals wooing out there in the audience

in support of not being a professional. Again, that is what you wooed for. If you wooed just then off of this simple likability and cadence of LSH, then you failed the test. I love it. So, Ellis. Yes, sir. Let's talk about it. What's happened this week that's interesting in your life?

Give us something to work with here. Something to work with. Something to work with. Shit, bro. I picked up this Nebraska crackhead. Yeah. Now the bitch was like from Nebraska and she was like a crackhead. Okay.

This is absolutely perfect. Yeah. So when you pull up and pick up a Nebraska crackhead, how does that happen? Are you just driving down the street and you're like, hey, what's up? No, I picked up an H-E-B. Okay. You're walking in. You're walking out.

You're in the parking lot. I'm driving up. She gets a lift and she's like, hey, what's up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ordered a lift. I got you. Ordered a lift. Yeah.

Oh, I wouldn't. Yeah. You thought he just picked up something before? Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. This is, I would never know. Hell no. I mean, the odds of you picking up a Nebraska crackhead are basically the odds of picking

up a Nebraska crackhead. That's how I have it in my head. Okay. So you picked her up. What are we talking about here? How do you, what makes her a Nebraska crackhead? Dude, well, first off, she, she was like relatively cute. Like she was a cute looking girl, but she was weathered, like real, like tired looking

bitch. So I was like, something's not right, but she's still pretty. So, so I'm talking to her. She's with her two home, her home girl, her home boy. And they're just like, oh yeah, man, we love Austin, Texas, my friends are chef. And we would love for you to come eat with us later on tonight. So I'm thinking, you know, that seems safe. Like I can, I can go and like eat some cheeseburgers, some strangers and shit.

You know, I'm friendly. So it's like nothing, not normal. Plus it's, plus it's a nighttime. You don't know how to drive at night anyway. Yeah. No, but I picked, like they said swing by, right? I swing by and then they cooking me cheeseburgers. Whether they're cooking it themselves.

They're cooking them themselves with cheeseburgers. Yeah. It was one dude named Afay, Afay or some shit like that. Afay had an Afro. And he was like, yeah, man, I need you to tell us the sites of Austin, Texas and everything. And I'm like, okay, you know, but I don't want to fucking drive. And then they were like, no, you ain't got to drive. We'll get you a fucking, we'll get a lift.

And then like, they were like, oh, my phone's not working. So they just used me to drive around the city, which was fine. And tripping. Cause that, that good. Okay. The crackhead. I did not know she was a crackhead until she started playing like the music. Like she started playing like a West coast connection.

You know that song. This be right here. We bought the bus. She started see walking this shit. And I said, she was see walking in your lift. No, see walking in the apartment. Okay. Yeah.

We eat cheeseburgers see walking. And I'm like, was there any side dishes to these cheeseburgers? Any potato salad perhaps? No, no, no. It was just meat and cheese. Okay. And then what was the guy's name with the Afro again? FN.

Or something like that. Say that one. Say that one more. FN. Say it again. FN. Why does that noise keep happening every time you say that word? Wait, play it again.

What do you think that means? Wait, say the name. FN. What the fuck is that noise? Hey, bro, what's that noise? Okay. Why do you ask this guy all your questions to your own bits? Hey, man, what color is a leprechaun?

That's what you should ask. Son of a bitch. Ellis, I love your energies. I feel like you at some point in your life have suffered some unbelievable brain damage or something like that. Like maybe you fell off a trampoline or something like that. Like something happened where you lost consciousness. You lost consciousness at one point.

But when you ignite, when you spark up and the mic's in front of your mouth, you're unstoppable, but sometimes you just forget and you lean back to the brain injury. Am I right? Have you lost consciousness before? I didn't start talking until I was four years old. My mom says I'm making up for lost time, though. Ellis, I love you. You're a wild man.

Hey, hey, God bless y'all. Thank y'all so much. I'm gonna keep it going. You guys ready to go back to this bucket, huh? All right, let's see what happens here. Let's try to get a good one. Let's see what happens. Scott Salter is next.

Scott Salter. Thanks so much for Scott, everybody. How many of you like it when people do good on this show? How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? Scott Salter. Have you ever noticed that the same people who hate religion fucking love psychedelics? Yes.

And they love telling you about them, too. It's like, hey, bro, I just got back from Bonnaruru. I experienced ego death. Ego death. Really, when was that? Was that while you were puking your guts out in Nate's car or after we gang banged that hooker? See, it's very strange to me.

Atheists be like, I'll never bow down to your man-made gods. They're all fairy tales. By the way, have you ever met the DMT elves? They're the ones that control everything, man. It's just what the elves wish, isn't it? Wait. That's not crazy to you. But Jesus isn't real.

Holy shit. Holy shit, Scott. Oh, my God. I mean, what the fuck, man? Wow. Whoa. Wow. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness, Scott. What the fuck was that, Scott? Yikes. I'm sober tonight, Tony. You're what? I'm sober tonight. Well, now we all are, too. My God, we were all having a good time until you pulled up.

This guy's leaving. This guy's like, I'm done. Literally, I've never seen anyone walk an audience member before. He's like, I literally cannot stay here for another second. I mean, this is absolutely incredible. Scott, that's literally, I do believe that has to be one of the worst performances we've ever seen in our entire lives, in the history of the show. Every once in a while, a diamond in the rough appears out of nowhere.

And by that, I mean, the absolute bottom of the barrel. I mean, just shockingly bad. And how you were acting like you were like creed also, like you were like holding the microphone like, what was that? Big Scott Sapp fan. We share the same name, so a lot of influence. Right, yeah.

You're the worst. It's incredible. I do believe, I wish I had like a crown or something like that. Like some type of like ultimate championship. This might be the end of the show, actually. I think we found the end, everybody. I do believe this is the guy that ended it. This is the shock ending.

They announced their season finale right here with the performance of Scott. Just, wow. All right. It's an honor. Thank you. It is incredible. Remind us, Scott, how long you've been doing stand-up comedy? Please, for the love of God, tell us 14 minutes. It's eight months now.

Eight months. And you're performing other places. You're doing other things, right? Sometimes it goes good. Yeah. And you said that you're sober. Do you think you're funnier when you're inebriated, or do you just feel like you did better when you're inebriated?

Because we know a lot of people like that. Both, there's two schools of thought to it. Literally, the only person who gets funnier when they drink is Doug Stanhope, who has drank so much that he has to drink in order to feel normal. So technically, he's just being normal. Yeah. Right. He can't get less funny when he's drunk.

You know what I mean? That is a good point. That is actually a good point. What's your best joke, Scott? You look like Gay Aladdin. That was the joke again. Okay. Scott, Scott, you can't fix this now.

That is so terrible. Again, also, this is... The unroastable Akash Singh. I mean, this fucking guy comes in from New York. He's like, I'm going to see what's going on in Austin, and he gets called a leprechaun and Gay Aladdin. I mean, this is incredible. This is embarrassing.

How could I look gayer than Aladdin? I just don't understand the math. I swear it's going to be the comedy capital of the world one day. I promise, Akash, I would bet everything on it. Don't use Scott Souter as your barometer for what's happening here. So eight months in the game, Scott, what do you do for work? I imagine you're terrible at everything. So let's talk about the rest of the game.

No, I'm a paralegal. You're a paralegal? Yeah. Oh, well, you don't even have a pair of jokes. Okay, paralegal, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that hides under people's beds and waits for them to get home. No, I'm a big kayak guy.

I like to get out of the water. So there you go. Wow. That's a kayak. That's a solo. That's the solitaire of the sea. Am I correct? He's solo.

That's for people that like boats and have no friends. You'll kayak. You just put your hips right into that thing. And people just think that fucking gayer Ellen DeGeneres is coming at them at a very slow speed. She would be flattered. How often do you go kayaking? Once a week, usually.

Maybe a couple of times a month. Do you normally go to a dock and push off? Have you ever thought about perhaps jumping off the Congress bridge into your kayak? I think it might be a good idea if we all play it cool right now. You know what I mean? We could probably convince them. You guys will stop laughing.

Effie? Is that you? Have you ever thought about attempting suicide? It's a question. This is a podcast and that's a question. Fuck all you guys. Well, I mean, I don't know that suicide is necessarily something that we should prevent.

Well, look who's fighting back, everybody! It's round five of this championship fight with beer slices, though. Scott is finding his legs right now. That was comedy that came out of his mouth a second ago. That is a premise that he is clearly not written a joke for yet or else he would have done it. But it is a pretty solid premise.

Let's stop preventing suicide. I love it. Scott, who in your life or your past has told you that you're funny? There must be somebody, right? Like a manager? Yeah, that guy right there. He's told me before and right now. Thank you.

Okay. Wow. Yep. Yep. Round five has ended and it is a knockout victory. Scott, try to help us here. Everybody in this room wants to see you get lit on fire. So, help us out here.

Tell us something about your life, like a redeemable quality about you. Like something that will make the whole room like you. One time, I worked for a company that did public outreach and down here on 6th Street, I gave out bags of food to the homeless. And I, uh, yeah. No. No. Sit down.

Sit down. Somebody grab your retarded friend. Tell him to stop yelling things out and standing up. You're not allowed to do either one of those things. This guy's drunk. Another stupid short drunk Irishman made it into the fucking show. Pregame before this and way over his fucking limit. No body alcohol volume whatsoever.

You relax her. I'm going to buy this guy a bottle of water. Get table 11, a bottle of Ozark. Ozarka? What is it? Ozarka. Yeah. Get him a bottle of your finest Ozarka, will you?

Jesus. Oh my God. Listen to that voice. Oh my God. He's got a lady with him. Listen to you. What? Yeah.

You heard me. What'd you say? I'm racist. Which part? What part was racist? I literally don't know anymore. So you tell me which part of what I said, because you might be right. The Ozarka?

Wait, what? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. These people are roofies. Wow. You guys shut up or we're going to kick you out of here. Fucking idiots.

Stupid. It's nothing worse than drunk people. I swear to God. Did she say because of what you said about leprechauns? Is that what she said? We're not going to go back right, man. I don't know if you are present right now. Even Scott's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Scott just sees us teeing up on there and be just fucking jet. Just fucking bleach blonde pubes floating in the fucking. Scott, I mean, again, really one of the worst performances ever, but what I like about this is it gives you an opportunity for true redemption. I want you to sign up when you think you have a really solid new minute again and come back and show these motherfuckers what you possibly thought was going to happen here tonight in any shape or form whatsoever. Will do.

I appreciate that. Scott Sotter, everybody. There he goes. He's gotten a small joke book before. You didn't want the notebook? No, I think he already has had one before. I don't think it's his first time. I was just going to give him a page from the little look.

The room is chaos right now, folks. You got to love it. You guys having fun out there? It's a Monday night. Nobody has more fun on Mondays than us. Your next comedian goes by the name of Chris Reeves, everyone. Chris R-E-E-S. Here we go.

We got movement. We know this young man as well as a blast from the past episode. So another guy that was on at the venue in which the sewage fards. And they always had flies at that place. Here he is, Chris Reeves, everyone. One more time for Chris. What's up, everybody? So I'm going to tell you a little story.

I was with this one chick. I know that's pretty hard to believe, considering I look like Leatherface wearing rosy old skin. And she's like, Chris, do me a favor. Will you go down on me? I'm like, of course. She's like, there's one issue, though. I'm on my period. Is that going to be a problem?

I'm like, I didn't want to be rude, so I'm like, not a problem at all. It was. I mean, the second I spread her legs open, it was like the elevator from the shining opening up. I don't want to tell you guys something. All I'm fucking into. Even when she's not on her period, I just go down with a razor blade and just slice it up. I want to come up looking like I just want a prom queen and a Stephen King novel. Wow, there you go.

I can't tell whether that was a really good set or you just went up after that Scott guy. I mean, I'm pretty sure everybody's like Chappelle after you just saw Scott Salter before him. The frightening face of Scott and then this super likable mushed up every character of South Park mushed together into one big, beautiful fucking piece of fucking humble valley pie. Look at you. I like Scott. I don't know what you guys are thinking about. Well, I bet you seem like you're into bad shit.

I am. Because that's like a hip thing to do. Like be a Scott fan. Because nobody does that. The mainstream hate Scott. Scott Salter. I love it. So you do a lot of stand up with them?

I have no idea who that fucking guy is. Oh, wow. Look at that. You even fooled me. You're a good actor. Yeah, I don't know. Okay. You've been on this show before, Chris.

Good to see you again. How long have you been on stand up? I've been doing it for five years now. How old are you? I'm 23. And what do you do for work? I don't work right now. Ooh.

How do you survive? I'm at barely. So how? To explain to these fucking people that work nine to five jobs. Look at these real professional people out here. Look at this computer engineer. Am I correct? Am I right?

What do you do for work? What? Student. Jesus. Student for what? Yeah, what do you study? Econ? Oh, you've shown him?

You've shown him? Yes. We got this. You know what's up? Yeah, we have a special muscle. How did you guess Econ like that? That was incredible. Oh, he said it.

Oh. I'm just saying. He acted like you were so fucking wrong. You don't know me, bro. Right. I love it. All right, that's enough. So, uh, how exactly are you surviving?

These people all have jobs. They all have security. They wake up on a mattress. I just got a really cheap place and I eat cup of noodles every day. Cup of noodles every day. Yeah. Do you have a mattress? Yeah.

Want just, do you have a box spring to put it on? No. It's on the floor. Just a mattress on the floor. Just a disgusting stained mattress on the floor. How many cup of noodles do you eat at a time? Yo, what kind of cup are we talking about? It's more of a bucket.

Yeah. I mean, it's not a happy life, Tony. Okay. I like that. It's beautiful. I couldn't put it better myself at a comedy show in front of a live audience. That's exactly how I would have said it. Okay, so cup of noodles, really?

Yeah. And seriously, how many cup of noodles do you eat a day? Right now, I'm at one a day. What? I'm trying to lose weight, dude. What do you do? What else do you do to try to lose weight other than starve yourself? I walk to get the cup of noodles.

Whoa. Holy shit. It's not a far walk either, so. So you're not working. You're eating the cup of noodles a day. Yeah. You want to open mics every night? You going out?

Yeah, I live on Sixth Street, so I just walk through the creek and everything. Okay. How do you live on Sixth Street? This is an unbelievable location, too. He sleeps on Sixth Street. Yeah. He literally only has a mattress, and now I get it. Yeah.

I spanged for that cup of noodles. Uh-huh. Yeah, above Chupacabra. I just live above there. How do you live? You have roommates. Yeah. How many roommates?

Like 10. Wow. Really? It's not that bad. It's just 10 rooms. We have a common area. Is that true? Yeah.

And then there's one restroom. There's two and two showers. Wow. So you're sharing a restroom, essentially, with nine other people at any given point. Well, two restrooms with nine people. Not a happy life, Tony. Wow. It's not?

You don't love what you're doing? I love it, actually. I love stand-up comedy. I love it. Yeah. Oh, wow. The actual version of the song. I like that.

Have you ever thought about getting, like, a part-time job or some kind of job, though? I'd say you don't. Yeah, I'm trying. What exactly do you think that you're cut out for? What types of jobs are we looking at? I usually do prep cook. I have an interview for a sales job tomorrow. What are you going to be selling?

I think it's solar panels. I don't know. I got bad news for you. We just got worried you didn't get the job, for sure. Probably because you block out the sun everywhere you are. Can't find anybody to sell these goddamn solar panels. Had this big, bonusious woman come in looking. Do people think you're a woman a lot?

It seems like it would happen a lot. There's a very, like, Rosie O'Donnell quality to you. Are people ever like, ma'am, can I help you? Yeah, my parents still think they have a daughter. Are you close to their parents in real life? Yeah, we're pretty close. We weren't close when I was a kid. What do they think about you doing stand-up comedy?

They don't care. They don't really pay attention at all. All right. They got two successful kids. They have two successful brothers and sisters. Okay, what do they do? My brother is a video editor for Facebook. And my other brother is in the Navy.

A couple of homos, that's cool. Sweet. Yeah, you might be the cool one, dude. When the smoke clears, you might be the breadwinner. Definitely the bread-eater, but I don't know if you're the breadwinner. Are they bigger-boned, too, your brothers and sisters? No, they're actually pretty skinny. So where do you think this all went wrong?

Was there a time where you were hooked on something? Yeah, cup of noodles. All right. What can I say? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. You have one of these already? There you go. Take one of those as well. The full package there.

How about one more time for them? It's Chris Reeves, everybody. Yeah. We haven't had a female comedian yet. Is that correct? Should we pull out of the bucket until we get a lady up here? Huh? Equal opportunity, fucking.

Is Jamie with a heart as an eye a woman? No, is that you? Okay, great. Yeah, it's not you. Go back, go back, go back. Unless you identify as a woman, Jesus. No. Even if you identify as a woman, the answer is still no. You're Jamie with a heart for an eye, though?

Why? Who is that? Is that somebody coming? Is that Jamie in real life, or are you just trying to be funny? Who are you? I'm a random audience member. That's funny. It's a wild audience tonight. All right.

Jesus Christ. All right. No girls yet. Liz Splatt. What a name. Liz Splatt. Oh yeah, we know Liz. This is a fucking real,

real comedian here. Make some noise for Liz Splatt, everybody. Yo, what's up? My name's Liz Splatt. I'm a hefty hoe. I'm a big bone broad. I'm a thick bitch, whatever you want to call me. I'm cool with that.

I'm in this weird position body type-wise. I feel like I'm in this body type where I can find pants of my size, but if I break a chair in public, I will kill myself. You know what I mean? I'm not super fat, but then at the other end of the spectrum,

I'm not skinny enough for my mom. You know what I mean? Laugh or I'll cry. Swear to God. Laugh. I don't know. I feel like the only way to describe my body type is that I'm the body type of woman

that I wouldn't have stabbed, though. You know what I mean? He would just look at me and be like, damn, this heifer's getting on my nerves, but we need those shoulders in the bloodline. Swear to God. You know what I'm saying? I may never be a trophy wife,

but our kids are going to get trophies, Texas. You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? All right, I guess that's it. Thanks, guys. Wow, what a performance. Liz Splat coming in here showing the boys how to fucking do it tonight.

Look out. Absolutely. Welcome to the show, Liz. You've been on before. Am I correct? No, I did, um, I did William's show and I did a different show here that you did guest spots on. Yep. Yeah. So we've just been on shows together. Yeah. Okay.

And here we are now. Been a tweet. Yep. Absolutely. Liz Splat. How long have you been on stand-up? Um, almost three years. And where are you from? I'm from Dallas, Texas. Wow. There's a lot of people from Dallas on this episode here, including our guest, Akash Singh.

Sorry? Nothing. So how long have you lived in Austin? Uh, six months. Six months. Okay. Yeah. You love it. I love it. What do you love about it exactly? I really love, like, I mean, the first thing that comes to mind is how close all the comedy

is. You know, I feel like in Dallas, you had to drive like 40 minutes to get everywhere. I feel like there's a shit ton of shows versus like, you know, like only club things, like you can really work out like real material with solid crowds. And then obviously we got some Hollywood here, you know? Yeah.

You brought it out here. Perfect answer. I don't know if I brought it here, but yeah. I tried. I don't know. I'm terrified. So more eyes than usual. Cool. Cool. Cool. That's exciting. Liz, how do you survive? How do you make money? Uh, I just got a new job. I work, I work in customer service.

Okay. Yeah. At like a big company or something? Well, I work for Chewy, you know, the dog app. Oh, you got the bark and everything. Meow. Sorry. I feel like I just got it. Wow. And that's like a dog walking app or something?

No. No, it's a customer service app. So like people like call me and they're like, it's really like old cat ladies and they're like, where's my shipment of cat food? And then I'm like, I don't know. I'm sorry. It's like Amazon for pets. Yes. Great way to say it.

Okay. Do you have pets yourself? Yeah, I have two cats. Wow. Yeah, you, yeah, I feel like it's kind of all that I have. I know my demo. Kind of. Yeah. I would have guessed that you love pussy. So, uh, easy, easy, easy.

Too easy. Come on. I'm wearing a button up. We know what we're doing here. You do. You have a specific look that tells me that you spent the whole week trying to cancel Joe Rogan. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. You wouldn't do that. You're a real comedian.

Of course. You're punchlines. Only people that aren't funny don't like Joe Rogan. So true. And you, okay. Never mind. I was, I'm not gay. Okay. All right. Fine. Let's go, dude. I just want to be clear. I mean, I think I could be,

but I'm not. You know what I mean? Have you ever tried it like in college? I made out with a girl who's now a hot ass stripper, but she was in high school. So arguably maybe even hotter than she is now. And like, right?

And I was like, yo, this is nasty. You didn't like it. It was too soft. Oh, man. You like someone that... I want a man. You know what I'm saying? What's up? Whoa! Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Wow. Yo, Red Van, you are on point tonight, dude. Right? 100%. I was talking to D-Madness, but... Yeah. Hell, yeah. That's my guy.

Absolutely. I do believe... I don't know what D-Madness' type is, but I do believe you're probably a... probably a... That's my guy. Yep, he's shaking his head, yes, that has been confirmed. Yes. You know, Tony,

blind guys love me. Yeah? Absolutely. I was thinking black guys. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. Either or. Double the trouble, you know what I'm saying? Turn the whole on me anyway, D-Madness. It's... I'm trying to get to it before you can do it,

and it's hurting my own feelings. You're doing a great job. I love it. You're killing. You're doing it. You're doing absolutely perfect. That is wild. Liz Splatt? Liz, first of all, you're very funny. Oh, thank you.

You should not be so shy. You're a beautiful girl. You just dress like Big Jane O'Kersen. That's your problem. That is true. Big J is a lesbian I would fuck. Let me say that much. I love that. Liz, like the last guy you were with, what's that like?

Is it normally black guys? Huge black guy, yeah. It really is. Okay, right, Dan. Okay, we don't need the Migos here right now. Baking soda. That's what guys call me. Baking soda.

I'm so sorry. I'll stop. This is fun. What did I miss? Did something just happen on this stage? Just a random up giant applause break. I love it. I think it was me. Yeah, no, I know.

Liz, the last guy you were with, for example, where do you meet a guy like that? I actually met him at this karaoke thing. The cutthroat karaoke. Another hour does it. Tuesday's Lachke. I went up, I was like, I'll feel myself and I was like,

you're cute and that's literally all you have to do to fuck a guy. That much. That is incredible. I know. Can you go back to his place, your place? We went back to my place because I think he had a kid.

Right. Bummer. Wait, the kid was at his house? I thought you said he was playing. Oh yeah, good point. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. The kid wasn't at his house.

Oh no, John's giving me the evil eyes back there. You can look at me. Okay. So you went back to your place. Does he say anything about the cats? I think he was like, I used to have cats. Wait, what? He said he used to have a cat.

But he had just taken shrooms. Oh. Have I talked to this guy? I'm trying to not. You're doing a good job. That was a great black voice, by the way. I used to have cats. I'm a black man. Look out.

Did you not hear my OJ Simpson earlier? That was pretty spot on. So he comes in, he says he used to have cats. What's a move? You have a couch, or you go straight to your room? We just go to my room. We have a couch and stuff. I live in a house, but there's no TV down there.

And also I have five roommates, if you include. I live with Phil. I know, right? Philly, we made it, bro. The whole house is on. Oh shit. It is incredible. This is in the house that Hans is moving into.

Oh no, that'd be sick though, Kenny. More star power. It really is. So you guys go to your bedroom, and then what happens? Do you make the first move? Does it just go straight into action? No, we started watching animals on HBO. Animals. Real sexy life.

One of my favorite Pink Floyd albums, but no. You've never seen it on HBO? Animals. Well then we start watching some, because he's on shrooms and I'm sober. So I'm just letting him explain how the vibes in his body and really being like, let's get down to it, brother.

We don't have a lot of time, you know? I don't know why we didn't have a lot of time. Anyway. And then it happens. And then it happened. Anything stand out about this sexual experience? A little bit different than other ones? Maybe it lasted long, short.

It might have been the best sex I've had in a minute. I'm not gonna lie to you, bro. Whoa, look at you. Wow. Okay, what made it so amazing? The girth and the length. Wow. Sometimes all you have to do is tap it in.

Now they believe he's black. Now they're like, yeah, yeah, he's black. The girth and the length. That'll do it. Did you just say splat your real last name? Dammit, no. That's not my real last name. What splat?

I know, dude. It's actually like so... That's to sound her in the black I made the other night. I have a complicated last name and I don't want to say it because my parents don't like that I do this. And so people would always get my last name wrong and then one time somebody said,

oh, did you just say splat? Yes. I just went with it. Because if people knew your real last name was Trump you'd get in real trouble. Yeah. It would make a lot of sense, though. Hey, Liz, I would love to have you on the secret show also.

Whoa! This is an all-star cast being booked here tonight. Catch them all doing longer sets. Thursday, Liz Splat can be found on social media at in Liz. I'm covered in jeans with my name's Liz.

You are a real fucking... real, real star. I think you're going to be a big part of everything happening around here for quite a while. So congratulations. Keep writing and working. Liz Splat. Look out. Jesus, it's like if Amy Schumer was funny

or something like that. Liz, you already have a joke book? You want one of these? Have one of these. Absolutely. Come on, guys. One more time for Liz Splat. It's not easy up here. Three people added to this Thursday's secret show. How exciting.

I'm probably going to be here. This next guy usually does the Thursday shows. He'll probably be here. He is the longest tenured regular in the history of the show. This man has been headlining all around the country, selling out massive venues. He's been opening

for the great Joe Rogan regularly here in town. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. If you all found out Apex Twin were at the soundtrack

to Jeffrey Epstein's suicide, you'd all be like, He's such a genius. I can't believe it. I don't have a clue what's going on. I don't have a clue. I can't even see the screen.

I don't have any clue. I don't have a clue. I don't have a clue. I don't have a clue. If Apex Twin said Arbor Day was an inside job you'd all be like He's such a genius. I have 20 more of these, so.

I hear Texas is banning books on race and sexuality. Which is a good thing because I was getting tired of getting wet while reading Big Mama's House A lady claims she was getting she was gang raped in the metaverse Ladies remember the same rules apply in the metaverse that apply in real life

Don't wear provocative clothing Okay, that's all I got Wow Wow What a performance Two of the best jokes I've heard in a very long time That metaverse thing, thanks dude Wow

Yeah, I mean bitches have to learn I don't know what the fuck is going on Yeah, I just don't know what's going on William an absolutely unbelievable performance As always, 100% of the time You are one of the first people to move out here and join Red Band and I and obviously Rogan and Elon Musk

and all the other biggest winners in the world and you came out here and you were getting fucked up every day and night you were doing blow from morning, noon and night I was, I missed those days a little bit I was having a bunch of fun And then a little more than six months ago you found sobriety, buckled down

and now you write freakishly great jokes every single week How does that make you feel? It's pretty good, I had a great time this past week I discovered a movie called What the fuck is it called? The Girl Gets Possessed by a Demon, The Exorcist Have you ever seen The Exorcist?

Wow That's a scary ass movie What did you just get, your first ever VCR? Yeah, I've never seen it before What did you just say, Red Band? It's the library card! Shut the fuck up, dude These two do not get along whatsoever

William tried to shake his hand a few weeks ago and he had one of those buzzer things on his hand and Red Band's been pissed off ever since His chair broke, he had no idea what he was going to do and he's like, okay, I'll shake your hand and his hips shifted and the chair broke Yeah, lose some weight, Red Band It should have been a fucking sign

So then I fucked his girlfriend twice after that And he gets extra mad every time I fuck her She told me about that, I can't believe you would have done that to me That is wild Easy to do Wow, you guys have the weirdest rivalry of all time It is incredible I love it

So William, you always talk about these unregistered handguns that you have Have you been using those at all? Have you been using your unregistered handguns with the VIN numbers removed? Yeah, I have This past week during the freeze thing I was boiling water and putting the boiling water on my stairs to melt the ice but then it only created more ice on the stairs So I was trapped

I was trapped in my apartment for three fucking days You home alone to yourself? I home alone to myself And then I dropped a box of thumbtacks at the bottom of the stairs You'll never believe what happened next I fell down the stairs and the thumbtacks went into my skin I was like, oh fricka, fricka, fricka, fricka Yeah, it made him super slippery

So I was up in the apartment watching the exorcist I watched it like four or five times and I was also cleaning my guns They needed much needed cleaning They had gotten dirty from me shooting them all the time So gave them a good clean as I was watching the exorcist Man, I can't believe that girl got possessed like that Have you all seen that movie? Wait, do you think that was a documentary?

Yeah, the girl got possessed by a demon named Captain Howdy Have y'all seen this movie? It is fucking so scary That she crawls down the stairs backwards That is so scary and her head turns It's because she put boiling water on the icy stairs She was doing it for support It's the only way you can't fall if you're walking William, what else in your real life has been going on?

I mean you got frozen in, what have you been eating? It's always interesting to find out You have a very interesting diet At one point you were addicted to raisin bread and then prunes And for the last three or four weeks You got a crock pot and you are addicted to soup He's been eating soup seven days a week I mean, imagine people

What kind of soups did you eat this week? Well, I actually found a really good restaurant Called BJ's Roadhouse, I think And I have been eating the takeout from their non-stop I had a big pizza and spaghetti and meatballs last night Pizza, spaghetti and meatballs Yeah, both of them Wow

Yeah, it was pretty good I had my first solid shit today And Literally three weeks I don't know if you knew this But man, it's been a struggle It's just The shit splashes everywhere

It's really, it's really gross Yeah, fair enough, man Yeah, yeah, it's really gross I don't know why you look so deeply into his eyes When you said that Yeah, it's super gross There's shit all up under my toilet seat I wouldn't guess that regardless, to be honest

Yeah, you do have that kind of look Like you'd have shit on you You really would have guessed that Yeah, yeah You live alone You know what I mean? You really would have guessed that Yeah, yeah, I really would have

You would have been right You would have been correct I just can't believe you would have guessed that He's You really would have guessed that I mean, you would have been correct So it really doesn't matter But I can't believe you would have guessed that

Oh, man William, do you have a toilet brush next to your toilet? No chance No chance Why would you say that? I mean, you're right But why would you say that? How would you have guessed that?

He has a good fucking eye for this shit, man He's got his debut special out It's already at half a million Things blowing up, he's fucking Nice Me and this guy used to wait in lines together When the sun was still up in Los Angeles We would wait in lines outside of places

For them to open so that we could perform In front of each other We were Three minutes Yes, we would do three minutes In front of only each other Because that's all the tickets that we could sell At the time

And then he would shit on my set And that's how the show got started That's true Akash was eating it Now, Mike, let's go I think this could be something one day But no I mean, it's incredible to think that

It's wild Fifteen years ago She could come a long way William, how long have you been doing this? Three years Okay, well I happen to know for a fact You've been on Kiltony longer than three years, William

That wasn't the answer of a crazy man I started doing it in 07 in Knoxville, Tennessee Fifteen years ago Yeah, I wasn't doing it that old time There were some hiatuses in there Really? Why were there hiatuses? What happened in your life? I don't know

I was living in New York City for a while You took a break from comedy when you moved to New York? Yeah It was brilliant, William Really? I did I've talked about it before But I ended up living with a stripper named Darla

In Spanish Harlem And drinking way too many forlocos So I had to Would not have guessed Spanish Harlem Had to stop What were you doing then with all your energy? God, I was just drinking a shit ton I remember going to Coney Island

And sucking on an African-American lady's bosom Up in the Ferris wheel I went with Darla the stripper And then, yes, they got me going You were with an African-American woman On a Ferris wheel in Coney Island in New York Correct And you put her breast in your mouth

It just all in my fucking mouth And I fucking loved it I felt fucking alive For the first time in my fucking life Wow It was special I literally felt alive For the first fucking time in my fucking life

What did that black bosom exactly? What exactly did it feel like? I don't know She had to do it out of her shirt What are you fucking doing, Red Band? I'm trying to open up And you're giggling over there like a little bitch Sorry, your girlfriend's texting me pictures of her pussy

Alright, alright Shut the fuck up Oh, he's getting mad Shut the fuck up, dude Tell us about the black bosom, William Tell us about the black bosom I just remember she flopped it out of her shirt And my face was right there

You say flopped like she was a slightly bigger girl? She was a bigger lady Wow And we were in a risky, risky, risky Ferris wheel partner I hang out with my lighter friends on the Ferris wheel I've been like, Akash, you're with me So you're on a Ferris wheel How'd you end up with a big black woman?

I cannot picture you with a big black woman When Liz said she fucks black guys I'm like But you with a black woman I just can't picture it at all Even D-Madness cannot use This ultra-powerful imagination To picture you with a black woman

But it happened, huh? On a Ferris wheel Yeah, it happened Let me ask you this When the beautiful black bosom of this woman Is in your mouth And you're going around on a Ferris wheel Do you take it out when you guys go to normal level

Where like the kids are waiting and stuff Or is there just a fucking What appears to be a guy that drives an 18-wheeler With a black breast in his mouth I took it out when she looked at me And said, who the fuck are you? No, I'm kidding We were friends

That part's a lie We had gotten to be buddies We met on the beach We were all drinking on the beach Okay Yeah, it was a really cool time It was a real special time I kind of regret telling this fucking story

Because it hasn't been funny at all And I feel like I'm bombing up here And I kind of just want to get my fucking guns And clean them a little more Put the fucking exorcist back on I'm going to watch that fucking movie again tonight How much do you love the exorcist, William? I fucking love the fucking exorcist

Tell us how much you love it, William Tell this audience I swear to God, there's a chance tonight I'm going to watch that fucking movie Two or three times And it's a long fucking movie And I'm going to fucking love it Nobody's going to tell me to stop watching the exorcist

Not even my fucking mom My mom hates that I'm watching it She's a big believer in Christ She hates that I'm watching the exorcist She thinks that it's bad energies That you're even watching a movie about a possession Totally, it could be dangerous for me That's what she thinks

And I tend to agree with her My mother is a good Christian woman in Memphis, Tennessee And I actually believe that part of this story You told your parents that you were watching the exorcist And they're like, William My mom freaked out Really? Oh yeah, yeah

What did she say? Just you don't need to be watching that garbage It opens up the devil But what are you going to watch tonight? The fucking exorcist And she's not going to fucking stop me It's weird, it's like I can't stop watching it What's your favorite part?

Oh, man It's a stupid question You're right at asking it You caught me, I actually haven't been watching the exorcist I just thought that would be a funny angle You busted me We did it again, that's another episode of Kill Tony That's William Montgomery

Listen to me, people Even though Akash was on Rogan today It's a two-week delay before this episode Which means I want him to feel the Kill Tony bump Two weeks from today when this episode airs Go to Akash Sing comedy That's A-K-A-A-S-H-S-I-N-G-H comedy And check out Bring Back A Poo

It is Akash's debut special This man has been doing work all around the country All around the world with the great Andrew Schultz, our brother Listen to Flagrin 2 podcast, of course Even though most of you already do If you don't, get with it Akash, this was so fucking awesome Thank you guys so much, give it up for Tony

Guys, seriously, how about a hand for the band, everybody? That's the Kill Tony band The peanut butter whiskey screwball Peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band That's the great Michael Gonzalez on drums John Dees on the keyboard, everybody Matt Mueling on guitar And that's D-Madness on the bass guitar, everybody

Thank you to the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, White Claw We have an amazing drawing from Ryan Jebel As you guys know, every single drawing of this show Is available at RyanJebel.com So you can get your favorite poster, print, or whatever RyanJebel.com And yeah, thank you live audience We'll see you guys again soon, good night

Thanks guys Thank you