KILL TONY - #546 - RON WHITE

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

Ron White, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/14/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shop Squad dot TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at Shop Squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt dot com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff dot com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Guys, it's Valentine's Day. We're in the greatest city in the world. Are you guys ready to do this fucking shit tonight or what?

Fuck yeah! Red Band's here, everybody. He invented the podcast. How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? How about a hand for the fucking band? Am I right, people? That is the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. We have the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Mueling on guitar,

and our friend John Bees on the keys right there. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs on the planet. Also, White Claw, number one tequila. Very, very exciting stuff. We have a very fun episode planned for you, but before we get going, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. 22 Tour starts now. I'm doing stand-up comedy by myself in Las Vegas and Nevada.

Holland, Michigan, the 25th of February. Grand Rapids, the 26th. Raleigh, North Carolina, March 11th and 12th. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I'm back with you again. It's been a while. April 8th and 9th. Miami, Florida, April 21st to the 23rd.

Phoenix, May 5th to the 7th. Salt Lake City, Wise Guys, one of the best clubs in the world, May 20th and 21st. And more dates are being added regularly. Get tickets at TonyHinchCliff.com. Hey, y'all. I'm telling you, I am loving the year 2022. Things are happening. We're getting back on our feet.

Everybody's doing live shows. I'm back on tour. And most importantly, I'm happy about my health right now. I've been doing a lot of crazy exercises, a lot of hydrating, and I'm able to do that because of amazing liquid. Liquid IV. What a game changer. One stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently

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But liquid IV is what I use to literally survive these hard hangovers, hard exercise routines. Liquid IV is a godsend. Red Band, you do not exercise, but you know exactly about liquid IV. I drink. And I tell you, it helps me with that. Every night before I go to bed, liquid IV. When I wake up, I go to that refrigerator.

I get one of those big bottles of ice water, freezing cold. I put my golden cherry liquid IV in there and man, it is so refreshing. Yeah. Absolutely. I agree. Liquid IV is also really good people. They've donated over 19 million servings of their product globally to the people that need it the most.

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When you go to liquidiv.com and use code TONY at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order. When you use promo code TONY at liquidiv.com. Experience better hydration today at liquidiv.com. Promo code TONY. So you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? You know, on Valentine's Day, it's about people that we love. This is one of the men that we love the most in the world, one of the great comedians.

Make some noise for the great Ron White, everybody. Here we go. Yeah. Whoo! Welcome to Austin, Texas. The king of the city right here. One of my best friends. One of the coolest mother fuckers in the world.

Ron White is here. Austin Zone, everybody. Having fun on a Monday with the fam. Ron, welcome back. Always a goddamn pleasure. Have an expectation lowering exercise because that was about the most exciting thing I want to do for the rest of the night. I'm a big fan. Came out to see the show.

I just get a good chair. We love it. We love it. We're happy you're here. We're going to have a fucking fun tonight. You know how this works. You're one of our favorite guests in the history of the show. We watch a bunch of people try to do stand-up comedy.

It's not easy out here. A bunch of people signed up for their chance before the show. Maybe it's somebody's first time. Maybe they're a local legend trying to break through and get a following here. It happens. You know their time is up. 60 seconds uninterrupted when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

It's just a loud noise that deters them from going long. And then I interview them and we have fun. We meet them afterwards and find out what's special about them. You guys ready to start this fucking show tonight? Guys, it's Valentine's Day. We're in Austin, Texas. This is a show all about love. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

All right. We're going to start it with a special treat. This is one of our regulars. Since the show is inception, we have a few people that actually have the very hard task of writing and performing a brand new minute every week. This is the guy kicking off tonight's show is the man. This is the great Hans Kim, everybody. Hey, what's up guys?

I love doing stand-up comedy, but sometimes I wish I was a painter because I've never been painting a picture and have a canvas be like, boo. That doesn't look like a tree. You should kill yourself. Draw something Asian. My pronouns are me, me, and me. I love telling people my pronouns because it makes them pay extra attention to me and I didn't have to do any extra work to earn it.

My friend told me that the government is run by pedophiles who drink the blood of children, but luckily he's not getting vaccinated or wearing a mask, so that should be figured out shortly. Thanks for doing your part, buddy. I am trying to get stronger. I'm working out now. I just want to be strong enough where if a girl puts her hand on my chest, I don't have to take a step backwards. Thank you guys.

Wow, you did it again, everybody. That's another rock solid minute from Hans Kim making it look easy out here. You did it again. Thank you, Tony. How do you feel right now? I feel like I'm on cloud nine. Yeah? Yeah.

Tell us about it. A couple of female fans came from Dallas and hung out with me all weekend. Whoa, okay. Look at you. What'd you guys do? We went shooting guns. We ate a Terry Blacks. We didn't have any sex.

Wow. Why didn't you have sex, do you think? I think it's because I got my feelings hurt a lot. How'd you get your feelings hurt? Well, I don't know. They're pretty mean. What the fuck got you to cloud nine? Yeah, this is the least happy, happy shit I've ever heard in my life.

What do you mean they were mean to you? What were they saying? They were like, oh, you're old. You're boring. What, are they 12? You're a young buck. What about the girl from fan page? The girl that we met, the blonde girl that you were...

Oh, that girl. Which one is this? Jubilee. Oh, shit. Cam girl, that's the wrong way. Oh, okay. Yeah, she's great. I stopped talking to her.

She... So these girls from Dallas, did they stay with you? Or like you guys hung out each day? Yeah. Did you pay for stuff? Not really. No. I just...

They got an Airbnb. They're in Cedar Springs. Wow, that's very specific. Are they still in town? Yeah. What are they doing here? They're real big fans of Kill Tony and me. Are they at the show here right now?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. What do you think we get these two girls up here to come see? It's Valentine's Day. I want to figure out what the fuck's going on here. Where are they? What are their names, Hans? What are these bitches' names?

Morgan and Marissa. Morgan and Marissa. Jesus, you're hanging out with the fucking M&M's over here. Fucking... That's your problem. Where are they? You think they're shy? Yeah. In the cheap seats?

Yeah, they said they didn't want to come. Oh, here we go. All right. Are these them? Yeah. This is the real Morgan and Marissa? Yeah. Wow. Fucking sweet, dude.

Way to go. Hell, yeah. Let me ask you a question. What's your least favorite thing about this man right here? Yeah. I think he's a little sensitive. Ooh.

Is this true, Hans? Do you think you're sensitive? Yeah. And what's your least favorite thing about him? Um, oh, God. Uh... I don't know. Let me ask you this. You guys went to the shooting range right this weekend.

When you shot the gun, did you hold it sideways or the proper way? Actually, I did. The regular? I did. I gotcha, I gotcha. I loved you at the Super Bowl halftime show, by the way. Great job.

It was great. All right, give Hans that microphone real quick. Let me figure out what's going on over here. Hans, which one did you think you were going to hook up with? Because... I just got to know, like, which one did you think... If you had to guess which one you were going to get lucky with, which one would it be?

I mean... You just point at the one that, uh... It'd actually be funnier if you pointed at the one that you thought you had a chance with. Ah! I had a feeling, but if it was the other one, the place would have gone fucking wild, am I right? Because Hans, that would take a special skill set

that I don't think you have in a million years. Have you ever been with a black woman before, Hans? Yeah. Yeah? I lost my virginity to an African-American woman. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, we're all the way...

Okay, we're just calling him African-Americans instead of black now. I see what's happening. No Joe Rogan here tonight. Of African-American descent, Tony! I love it, Hans. This is incredible. So, if you were to plea one last chance... Well, let me ask the girl, which one is this?

Morgan or Marissa? Marissa. Oh, Marissa. What a horrible name. Okay. Marissa, let me ask you something. What would it take for Hans to be able to win you over? Is there any chance, or are you just simply not into him physically?

Oh, my... Because I think it's Valentine's Day. I think if you gave him a big kiss right now, after making fun of him all weekend, I think the place would go crazy. You guys think the place would go crazy, too, if that happened? I mean, it's a live show. It's really up to you.

Everybody's going to hate you for the rest of the night if you don't do it. Or you could do it, and you'll be a hero. I mean... Sort of a fucking no-brainer, Marissa. Yeah! This is our Valentine's Day! Beautiful. That's what it's all about.

Making memories. How about a hand for Marissa and Morgan coming up here? It takes a lot of courage. Absolutely. There you go. Good stuff. Absolutely. Nice to meet you.

Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Whatever. Diamond doesn't get the fuck back to Dallas. What are we talking about? Playing hardball with my friend up here. No, I'm kidding. That was great.

Hans, how do you feel now? I feel like great. I'm on cloud ten, Tony. All right, Hans. You did it again. Another brand new minute. Another very fun interview. Ron, anything else for Hans?

You know, other than just totally not being much of a closer with women. I think it's really fun to watch your comedy progress and you grow as an entertainer. I think you're really good at this. Thank you, Ron. Yeah! The great Hans Kim, everybody. Getting tonight's show started for us. Making it look easy.

I promise you, it's not. And we're probably about to find out immediately how not easy it is. Slow play. I reach my hand into this bucket. Now, these are strangers. These aren't selected comedians. It could be you. Maybe you signed up for your first time.

Again, anything can happen. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight. We are going to meet together. Goes by the name of Kit Hudson. 60 seconds uninterrupted of stand-up comedy from Kit Hudson. We got movement over there? Is something happening? Oh, here he is.

It's Kit Hudson, everybody. Come on, make some noise for him. Thank you. Oh, thank you for asking. Yeah, no, I don't know why I got my kid circumcised. I told my wife originally that it was because of a stand-up comedian, and then I was like, I don't know. Maybe it's because it's like equipment that I'm familiar with.

She said, well, I'm familiar with both. No, really, I told people and then they said, oh, don't you know that decreases his sensitivity? If he's anything like me, he will thank me. I came while putting the condom on once. So many things I'm not proud of. That not being a minute, one of them. All right, there we go.

All right, Kit Hudson. How's it going, Kit? How are you? I'm swell. Thank you. I'm going to take a guess here. I'm going to guess this is your first set ever? Second, actually.

Yeah, but thank you. Okay. All right. Well, congratulations, Kit. There you go. There were some parts where it seemed you seemed authentic. You came out. The first thing that you said was thank you, sir, for asking,

but nobody asked you anything. I found it to be an odd way to get into your first joke. The whole room's waiting to hear what you say and basically you gave this guy the credit for setting you up perfectly. Like no man in the world would ask that, but it was confusing, Kit. I won't do it again.

I'm sorry. Thank you. I like that. Very obedient. Yeah. What a bitch. There's absolutely no wrong way to do this, but if there was, that would be pretty fucked up.

That was a bad way to start a show there. It really is, Kit. How old are you? I am 31. 31. What has you starting stand-up comedy now? I've always wanted to. I've been writing jokes for a long time

and then at about 20, I realized that they weren't funny, so I decided to keep writing. And then I'm like, oh, okay, maybe these are good enough, and here we are. There you go. You have a tattoo on your arm there. What does that say? It says, rule number seven, be the life of the party.

Wow. What happened there? See how the jokes just rat themselves? You don't even have to get a tattooed on your fucking arm, dude. Can you imagine how bad that party would be if he... If he's the life at it? I'm telling you, I'm a premature ejaculator, folks. I come easily.

You really have a son? I do, yes. Okay. You just have one kid? Yes. You're married? I am. Okay.

And where's she at tonight? Where's the wife? Taking care of the kid down in New Braunfels. New Braunfels. What do you do for work? Nothing currently. Oh, that's great. I feel good for this circumcised child that you have.

This is great. You're able to support him like his foreskin never could. Why are you unemployed? How's this humanly possible? The economy here in Texas is booming. I see no reason why you should be a lift driver or something like that. I'm just kidding. Go ahead.

Why are you unemployed? We just moved here from California, so my wife made a boatload of money on selling the house, and I'm just riding her coattails. Wow. Okay. Say it like you guys drove a station wagon out here from California or something. No, it was a Silverado. Okay.

Does she have a job? Okay. Whatever that is. Nope. No, she's just really good at real estate. What's going on? Is it you? What's happening?

What are you doing? Okay. Forget it. Was it you? She does not. You guys just hitting random ass buttons? Cool. Awesome.

Love it. Great for the show, everybody. Let's go. Stick with me here. Here. Red van. Who are you doing this for right now? It's Kit.

Night Rider. It's Night Rider. Kit, no one knows your fucking whole ass references, dude. Everybody gives the fuck about your Night Rider reference. No one sees this guy and thinks about a fucking fast, cool car. It's like, oh, the Night Rider. Yeah, the life of the party over here, this fucking guy. Son of a bitch.

All right, Kit, what does your wife do for work? She sold her house in California. I understand that you sold a house. Normally, people don't fucking quit after that, Kit. So what does she do for work? We quit after that, Tony. Okay. Did she have a job before that or was she just always planning on selling the house that

her parents bought her while you guys lounge around fucking drinking mountain dudes, chain smoking cigarettes or whatever is happening in your nothing burger life that I'm trying to figure out something about, but you just keep repeating condescending bullshit answers back to me. And it's a live show. So I'm just telling you what's happening and we're plowing through it right now. I'm really good at hosting this. I'm as good at hosting this as you are at doing what you're doing right now.

You aren't, actually, I said that wrong. I just fucked up while bragging about how great I am at the same time. That was incredible. Your shit's rubbing off on me, Kit. Okay. What's the most interesting thing about you? You're 31 years old. There's got to be something other than your wife sold her fucking house.

Really try, Kit. I have my degree in film from Los Angeles Film School. Okay. Yeah. I was a drill sergeant. A drill sergeant in the United States Army. Are you serious? Wow.

An American hero. Okay. Now it's starting to make sense. A little bit of PTSD going on up there. I like it. This is your bucket list. I love this shit. Okay.

So did you serve overseas? I did, yes. Okay. Where'd you go? To Afghanistan. Wow. It goes out there, huh? It's incredible.

Offly pale for a guy that's been to Afghanistan. I can't imagine what that sun must have done to you. I have uniforms to cover the entire body. Very good. There's another one of your dog shit, unfunny answers. That's so cool. It's incredible during a comedy show how unfunny you could possibly be. It's almost shocking.

Can you give us an example with the microphone sort of away from you? Away from you? Sort of what you being a drill sergeant sort of sounds like? Can you give us like full projection? Hey, guy. Why don't you knock it off back there, you? Hey. That was actually pretty cool.

Okay. So there is something interesting about you after all. I can project. I love that. Okay. Kit, well, I mean, you're just terrible at stand-up comedy. You're a really boring interview. This plane is a fucking glass of water that needs to be boiled before it gets drained.

You got that Valentine energy today. Don't you Tony? It's poor guy. It's his second time on stage. Who cares? That's the whole point. If it's your second time, you can still suck. I promise.

One minute. But it's good. You're out here. You're trying. Does it feel good? Did this go how you hoped it would or differently? Felt amazing. There you go.

In front of one of the heroes for sure. Nice. There you go. They say never meet your heroes and they definitely should never perform in front of them. I love it. Kit, you had fun? I did. There you go.

There he goes. Kit Hudson, everybody. Kit, take a joke book. It's your second time, so you'll get a small one. These are all made by the great Bones Eye. These are real handmade kill Tony leather joke books embroidered by the man himself. Let's get back to this bucket. Let's see if we can get something up here.

It goes to show you how hard it is up here, though. Am I right? Daelyn Mendonca. Daelyn Mendonca is next. I heard the comedians pop for this one, so this could be interesting. Here he comes. Make some noise for Daelyn Mendonca, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. How's everybody doing? Hell yeah. If you couldn't tell by my Cole's outfit, I love my mom. I'm a big mama's boy. I was raised by a really strong, independent woman. And that's how you know I'm a really weak, dependent man. I don't have any good physical male qualities.

My mom did. She could be the dude up. I can't do that. I think at this all the time, if I have to be a protector in any situation, there's not much I can do. I'll probably have to suck his dick at this point. Damn, I can't beat him up. I can definitely beat him off. I can try that.

Speaking of beating off, I just stopped watching porn. Give it up for me. Yeah. It was 20 minutes sober, so thank you. I just stopped watching it. Porn's weird now. It's super weird. It's like, you know, there's family involved all of a sudden.

It was ruining my relationship with my girlfriend. Our intimacy was getting weird. And it's always bad, you know, like when your girlfriend asks you, what's wrong with me? And I have to say, we're not related. I don't... You're gross. All right, thank you guys.

All right. Dalen Mendonka. Am I saying that correctly, Dalen? It's Mendoza, but it's... Mendoza. Yeah, it's spelled like shit. Okay. And Dalen, I'm saying that right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. How long have you been on stand-up? Since April of last year. All right, great. April of last year. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yeah, actually, yeah.

This is where you're born and raised? No, I'm from Reno, Nevada. Whoa. Yeah. Okay, have you been on the show before? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been. I never forget a man from Reno.

Yeah. So remind us what we found out last time you were on the show. I told a story about me in Florida. I met up with a girl that I didn't really know. And it was like the first real sexual experience I've had. Wow. Yeah, it was wild. And she went missing for like 24 hours.

Yeah. Yeah, it was... That's Florida for you. Right, yeah. Yeah, it was bad, pretty bad. How old are you? You seem like a young boy. Yeah, I'm 22.

22 years old. Wow. You've already been doing stand-up for a year. Yeah. See, you're making all the decisions that Kit Hudson didn't make. See what I'm saying? 22 kids like, maybe I want to join the army. Okie-dokie.

Uh... Dalen, what do you do for fun? What are 22-year-olds doing for fun nowadays? Playing Pokemon Go or something like that. What are you doing? I used to be deep in Pokemon. Not anymore. Pretty much right now, just drinking, hanging out with my friends.

It's pretty... You know, comedy is kind of conducive for getting drunk for free. That's kind of how I get paid. So that's kind of what we do right now. Not a lot. You just drink? No, like I don't have a lot to do. I used to sell cars, but I had to quit because I broke my ankle.

You had to quit selling cars? Yeah, no one's trying to buy a car from a guy that's like, fucking... I can't even drive the cars anymore. They're like, why would I take advice from this fucking loser over here with a broken ankle? Yeah, it was already bad. I don't know how to drive sticks, so it's like... Are you good at selling cars? No.

No, not really. What kind of cars were you selling? I used cars. I worked at CarMax. Oh. You would think that a guy with a broken ankle could succeed in a place like that. No. A lot of heavy hitters there.

Somebody might... You might get a sympathy purchase. Yeah, not really, dude. Not at all. So how are you surviving now if you have no job? I just saved up some money. I just quit like last week, so my boss is going to be super pissed. I told him that my ankle was broken and I can't walk around and I'm obviously walking,

so hopefully he doesn't see this. Wait, what? When was this ankle break? So I tore... I didn't break it. It's just easier to say because I'm a liar, but... I tore a ligament in my ankle three weeks ago playing basketball with some friends, and I was on crutches for two weeks, and I was like, I can't work like this, so then

I just quit and now I'm obviously walking, so it's kind of a bad look to be honest. Yeah, it really is. Kind of a bad look. I either look like a huge pussy or a liar, and kind of both of them, so it's whatever. Whatever. How did you save money selling used cars? Like how did you get this extra income that you're able to survive off of? Did your wife sell the house or something?

No. I lived with my mom for a long time until I moved out here. I get the feeling you have a hot mom. Am I correct? Do your friends tell you that your mom's hot? She's a good-looking lady. We look pretty similar, so if... Perfect.

I've always wanted a fucking lady that looks like Freddie Mercury. I'm in all the way. Let's go. Best of both worlds. A little bit straight, a little bit gay, you know what I mean? Still a woman. It's still a woman. It counts.

I love it. She's 42. Oh, okay. Yeah, she's 20 years. Do you have a picture of her? I do. I mean, I don't want to show it now. Let's see a picture of your mom real quick.

She's younger than me. You got to get it from him afterwards, and then we're going to put the picture on the screen for the people watching on YouTube. Yeah, that's fine. You could just add her as a friend on Instagram. Is she on Instagram? She...

This might be the first time in the history of the show in which we found out someone's mother is on Instagram. This is very exciting. Hopefully it's not a private profile. This is very exciting. Does she have an OnlyFans? Red Band. She's a nurse.

Oh, my goodness. So, yeah, probably. She does. It's hot. Yeah, that's my mom and my little sister. Whoa! I was so right. Tell them how right I was.

All right, very high. There you go. That's a hot mom. We fucking knew it. Make her feel nice. That's cool. Good for a mom. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. Follow. And send a message. Wow. Oh, shit. Red Band has swapped into your mother's DMs. Fuck. Okay.

Wow, you might get to make that step-brother porn you always wanted to make, dude. You fuck. It'd be interesting to have a step-brother that only takes the elevator. Your escalator, brother. All right. I love it.

Dalen, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go? Last time I think I talked about the prison stuff with my family. It's an ugly dog. Your mom has an ugly dog? That's a gross dog. At least she did in 2014.

Am I correct? She's dead now? No, no, no, no. She's still, that's Lucy. She's still alive. Lucy is disgusted. I mean, just a hideous dog. We have to take that picture, too.

It's one of those white dogs with the stains all over their eyes. Just the brown stains on the inside. Yeah, the eyes. One of those. Oh, that's Lizzie, then. Oh, yeah. She's got like a kind of poodle look to her. Yeah.

She's the old dirty poodle. One of my favorite moves in the bedroom. You have to figure out what that is yourself. You got to get angel eyes for that, don't. What were you saying, though? Last time we talked about, like, my dad was in prison. My brother was also in prison. They've now since gotten out of prison, both of them.

Wow. Yeah, yeah. They were both in prison at the same time? Yeah, they just got out October of last year. Wow. Yeah. Your mom just became so much hotter. What was she in prison for?

My dad? Sure, either one. My dad, he was a drug dealer my whole life, pretty much. But he went in for an aggravated assault charge, like six years ago. Okay. What about mom? How did mom end up in prison?

They were never. Oh, my mom was never in prison. Oh, yeah. She was brother. Yeah, my brother. Oh, yeah. Father and brother. Father, brother, and then brother.

Same thing. Okay. I thought I heard father and mother. No. No, no. All right, Dalen. Yeah, man. She wrote me back.

Oh, she's responding. That was quick. That was like 30 seconds. Your mom's eager. Wow. Oh, shit. Hell yeah, dude. Damn, mom.

She is single. She's single? She's single, but she's not. Wow. She's single and he's a double-double. So that's pretty exciting. I love it. Dalen Fun Times.

Congratulations. Thank you guys. A new minute from Dalen Mendoza. Was it good? It was good, right? Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

Dalen, take this. That's a real full-size joke book from the great... You guys want to do something special right now, huh? Then let's do it. This young lady is one of the legendary figures of the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen. This is a legit golden ticket winner. There's not many of them. This means that anytime she's near a Keltoni, she gets to perform.

She is one of the great characters from the history of the show. Here with a brand new minute on Valentine's Day. This is the one and only Nicole Trion, everybody. Oh. Please be free to sing along if you know the words. Happy Valentine, everyone! I'm starting a new business. I'm going to the nail salon with you, and then we go for lunch.

And I will tell you all they say about you. You have tall fungus. You have bad breath. They call you goody tissues. This is great, man. I dated all blue-eyed French men. He was perfect. His face perfect.

His hair perfect. His wife, well, nobody's perfect. I have an inspirational message right next to my vanity mirror. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Now if I can only fight a beholder. A guy asked me to go skydiving. I said, forget it, man. I like dumpster diving better.

So we go skydiving. I got lucky and ended up dumpster. Nicole, are you putting a ribbon on it? You got a closer coming up here? Okay, here we go. I want to meet a man with a Tesla car. So every Friday night I put on tight dress and hang out at the electric vehicle charging station.

Wow. What a performance. Doing double the time that she had to do. She brought her own mic cover, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, just a total package. Nicole Tran is back here on Kill Tony. Michael Cohen Kohlberg from Walmart, man. 99 cents.

I don't know what the fuck she says half the time, but I love it. It's the only person that kills that no one understands completely. Ron, is this... I thought you were adorable. What a fucking funny, wonderful show you have. I thought it was just great.

It really made me laugh out loud. Not like that drill sergeant guy. Do you see him? Is up here earlier? I think he quit doing push-ups at one point. You were magnificent. I was really entertained by your show. That was great.

I'm a professional singer. You want to sing us a little something? Okay, here she is. The yellow rose of Texas, please. Do you know this? You guys know this? My Mitch Miller. What the fuck?

Is that how you fucking orchestrate a song in South Korea? What's going on over here? I'm from Vietnam, man. Okay, ready? Am a yellow girl in Texas I like blue, I like white guys I don't care for cowboy hats

But barbecue alright Am a yellow girl in Texas I'm doing Tony's show Maybe he would pay me If I was a Margaret Jones I spent my whole life serving To be with you tonight All I get is chicken wings

And a can of Sprite Wow! Is there more? Is that the end of it? I feel like there's always more with you. Hell yeah, that's the whole song. That's beautiful. How about another hand for Nicole Tran, everybody?

Thank you very much. She lives all the way in San Francisco She flies in for these shows. From San Jose. San Jose, shout outs to San Jose. Fuck yeah, I like it. You little gangster. Remind us, what do you do there?

What do you do for work? How do you survive? I'm a children's entertainer. I entertain children by making them laugh. As you can see, I dance and make them laugh. And I just got back from LA, man. I'm going to open for a couple of LA comedians, man. I'm very excited.

And you know... That's how it works. Driving in LA, I see so many middle fingers Making me feel right at home Like I never left San Jose. In Hollywood, Tony, There's a very popular restaurant called The Burger Factory.

Right next to it is the Burlington Coat Factory. Everybody there that worked there ate at Cheesecake Factory. So great to see factory jobs returning to America. I know Jofic here in Texas, man. Wow. You give massages? I get the feeling you give massages. Are you going to give massages?

I love massages, man. John Dee's actually wanted to know. I am a comedy nerd, man. You are. Comedy nerd. I love that. What else has been going on? Anything else we should know about?

What's your love life like, Nicole? We know famously you've said many times on the show that you like blue-eyed white boys. You've sang me multiple love songs in the history of the show. How's that going for you? Oh, I just dated a guy. The last guy I dated worked at the racetrack cleaning up after horses. I always look for a man with a stable job.

Oh, my God. You did it again. You snuck another one in on us. Damn it. The queen bee. Wow. This is not a joke, man, for love, dammit. When I go to the laundromat, I see a guy I like.

At least I know he has clean underwear. I can go home. Has that been a problem for you in the past? Not the guys that you dated? I don't date, dude. Just for jokes. I really like blue-eyed white guys. I only date blue-eyed.

There's one right in the front row that everyone's pointing at. All the blue-eyed white guys sit up front and listen to me sing. Maybe I sing one more friend song. You're going to sing another one? What's your song? All right, quick one. Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Just another nine-minute song from Nicole Tran. Si l'amour existe encore. Si l'amour existe encore. Si l'amour existe encore. Serre-moi encore plus fort. That's a friend song for all the beautiful, stunning blue-eyed white guys. Wow. Dummy for Czech Republic girls.

This is a woman that knows what she likes, ladies and gentlemen, and we love her. How about one more time for the great Nicole Tran, everyone? Incredible. And by the way, I don't have a green car, so please do not tell anybody that you saw me here tonight. You did it again. Nicole Tran, an unstoppable force.

Come on. She flew all the way in from San Jose. All right. We love you, Nicole. She's so sweet. She comes here early. She gives Valentine's cards to all the employees and everything. It's very, very sweet.

A real, genuinely fucking cool human being. All right. Okay. Let's go back to the bucket. Let's get another stranger up here. See if we can't ride Nicole Tran's momentum into the high heavens here. Make some noise for Mikey Biggs, everyone. Mikey Biggs.

Big pop from the comedian section. Ron White being... How about another hand for Ron White being the best goddamn crew member? Guess? Extraordinaire. Here he is. Mikey Biggs. Hey.

I've been trying to eat more oatmeal lately because it's high in fiber, but it's hard because it's even higher in the list of things that taste like the ground probably. I think oatmeal should be considered the liquid state of wood. I don't like the band Imagine Dragons because it feels like an order. It's like, hey, imagine dragons. No. I don't want to. Also, that's the only way you can think about dragons.

You can't be like, hey, remember dragons? I have a schizophrenic friend sometimes. And he likes to read. He's a pretty smart guy. He'll recommend books to me. Recently, the most... The book you recommended last is called To Kill a Bird That's Been Mocking You. Wow.

There you go. Absolutely, Mikey Biggs. That's about as good as it fucking gets. Just great jokes. Well executed. You're up there. You're listening. You're doing the damn thing.

Hands in your pockets. Mike and the mic stand just sitting back and doing it. Incredible. Incredible stuff. How long have you been on stand up? I started in 2020 in February. I took it some time off. A year and a half, totally.

Right. Right. And all of it during a weird time, huh? Yeah. You started and then shit got crazy immediately. Yeah. Weird. Did you feel like it was your fault at all?

Absolutely. Yeah. Somebody told me on my first over, Mike, that COVID should have been assigned to quit. Yeah. Where are you from? Here, Texas. Okay. Which part?

Southeast to here. It's a small farm town called Shulemberg. Okay. So you're a little bit of an outlier in your family. You moved to the big city of Austin, Texas? Yeah. Right. What do they do?

What's your family like? They like farmers and stuff? My brother coaches baseball and my dad's an attorney and my other brother is a paralegal. And that's it. He's got no legs? Big old dick there. Yeah. Big giant dick.

Mike, what do you do for work? Nothing right now. Well, it seems to be the fucking whole story. Yeah. I guess the Chinese are winning, everybody. Yeah. This is exciting. Very exciting night where we find out nobody's working anymore.

What did you used to do? I coached baseball. Okay. Like high school, little league? High school, age three, like 14, so I guess, yeah. Okay. Not little league though. It's like a travel team.

So you were like an assistant coach underneath your father who does that professionally? My brother. Brother. Right. He's the one that got into it first? My dad, it's an organization my dad started and my brother took it over and I helped. Okay, gotcha. The Southeast Texas Baseball Association.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah, that's what it's called. I love it. You're a fun guy, so you live out here by yourself. You have like roommates and stuff. I live with some other comics here in Austin. Okay.

Cool. Is that fun? You guys have a lot of late nights. What's the most annoying thing about your roommates to you? They're too nice and awesome. They're too cool to me. Oh, okay. You're the one on the couch in the living room.

You're that roommate. You're the one that's just lucky that they're accepting two or three hundred bucks a month. They're so rich. That bothers me how rich they are and how they pay the rent. Is that trail? No, I pay rent. No, I do. How much do you pay?

How much do you pay a month, Mikey? I got it now. I pay a fourth. What's that? What is the fourth of your rent? It's like six hundred and seven hundred dollars. You know exactly how much you pay a month. It's six hundred and twenty-three dollars and seventy-five cents every month.

There you go. Nailed it. Every month before the fourth. I love it. You ever take girls back to your place with three roommates? No. I sleep on an air mattress as well. I just got a new mattress, but I had been sleeping on an air mattress.

It's kind of tough. All right. What'd you do with the old air mattress? I've got it deflated underneath my mattress. Just in case. Yeah. Just in case shit ever gets crazy with that mattress. Hell yeah.

I love it. Wow. So what else do you do for fun, Mikey? You're here in Austin. You're not kicking rocks anymore in southeast Texas. For fun? Yeah. Man.

Sounds like drugs. You sniffled. Yeah. You sniffled just then audibly when I asked what you've been doing for fun. No. Not drugs. I hang out. Just go right.

Just think about comedy. Drugs. Persuasion. Totally drugs. Persuadreams. 100% drugs. What are your favorite drugs? I like weed.

Right. Yeah, but let's talk about the real drugs, Mikey. Yeah. We all like weed here, Mikey. Yeah. You sniffled when I asked what you liked. It's like psychology 101 right here. Uh-huh.

Right. Yeah. What are we talking about? Snornatter all, dude. That doesn't work, does it? Yeah. Yeah. No, it doesn't.

Did you hear what he said there? It doesn't work, does it? Did you hear it? This guy. Fuck yeah. I wonder if your lawyer relatives are like this. Like fucking horrible liars like you. I love it.

Okay. Mikey. Fun stuff. What else are we missing about you? What's something interesting about you that we should all know about? You seem like a very like chilled guy. You seem like you just live life. I have a dog.

He's cool. You have a dog. Yeah. All right. What kind of dog are we talking about? A Boston Terrier. Okay. All right.

And you take care of this thing. It lives with you and your three roommates? Yes. What does he pay in rent every month? Yeah. How long have you had this dog? Milk burns. He's about 12.

So a long time. 12 years old? Mm-hmm. Wow. You've had him for a long time. Yeah. And you sniffled again. Are you doing blow with your dog?

No. Angel eyes? Yeah. All right. Well, Mikey, you have a dog. We got it. And 12 years. You're lugging this thing around forever.

Yeah. He's an old man. Right. You just love him. Why didn't you leave him in Southeast Texas with your boring family? He's my boy. He's cool. Wow.

Look at all the girls fucking gushing here on Valentine's Day. Like, oh, he'll stand by that bitch and maybe he'll stand by me. All right, Mikey. Well, fun stuff, man. And like I said, you were very cool and calculated up here. I'm sure Ron would agree. Like, I mean, it was interesting. Very rarely do we see somebody leave the mic in the mic stand,

leave their hands in their pockets, and you were looking around. You were spreading it around. The timing was, you know, right there. I thought there were a couple of things you did really, really well, but one of them was I set your mic stand at the perfect height. Yeah, you did. Come across the room. Yeah, you did.

He really did. And just for that, I'm going to give Ron a big joke book because he really did it. No, I'm kidding. Here you go, Mikey. That's an official kill Tony job. Nice job, man. Keep it up. Keep it up.

That's Mikey Biggs. Follow him at Mikey Biggs underscore Mac. You know what? I know it's still the middle of the show. I know we just saw Nicole Tran. You guys want another special treat? Okay. Well, we actually, this is a very rare special episode in which we have two

golden ticket winners in the show's history here tonight. This young man was stuck in Canada for the last couple of months. He's back. Everybody, this is the return of Jared Nathan. I got kicked out of karaoke or singing. No, no, no, no. I hate that song. I also hate what's happening in Canada right now.

I support the truckers. My only cause I take up a lot of room. I move slowly. I make a lot of noise. If you see a bottle on the side of the road, be very careful. It's not apple juice. It tastes like suppression. It's a toxin mandate.

Maybe syrup. It's Canadian chocolate piss. It tastes... You can taste the bitterness. Okay. Jared Nathan. Come on, make some noise for Jared Nathan. Jared's been on this show quite a few times.

I love it. Jared, that stutter was extra thick tonight, huh? That sounds like you have a Canadian convoy trying to get out of your throat. That was fucking wild. I love it, man. How do you feel? How's it going? It's fucking awesome.

Hell yeah. Fucking awesome. He loves it. This guy literally escaping Canada. I don't even think his mother knows that he left. Sometimes we like to sneak him down here and let him have some fun. Did your mom watch your appearances on Kill Tony? Yes, she did.

What did she say? She's happy I'm following my dreams. She's happy you're following your dreams. That is great. That hat. Did you get it in Canada or did you get that here in Austin, Texas? It's funny. Here in Austin, Texas.

I love it. Yeah. Very cool. You have a bucket hat and a fucking face. Oh. The hat is artistic and you are autistic. That hat is wild, dude. That hat looks like an art project at wherever you went to preschool at.

I love it. Jared, what's been going on in life? How has your life changed since your parents is on Kill Tony? I have people come up to me. You? Yeah, they come up to you. They come up to me. I knew where you were going with that one, for sure.

When it's people come up to hard M. I knew right where you were going. I love it, Jared. What are you looking forward to doing now that you're back here in Texas? What do you love about Austin? I don't have to wear a fucking face mask everywhere. Freedom. Freedom.

Freedom. You're goddamn fucking right. So you don't have to wear a mask. What else? You like barbecue? You like we know this, right? I did some karaoke last week. You did do karaoke last time?

I did karaoke. What did you sing? I think we've fallen. Oh, wow. Is that a song about the drool that comes out of your mouth sometime? He's laughing, you assholes. It's inclusion, motherfucker. That's inclusion right here.

Goddamn right. Jared lives for this shit. He loves being roasted. We actually go to the same coffee shop. We run into each other sometimes. We have some fun. Randomly, yeah. Randomly.

Absolutely. I think we're on purpose. It always is. I walk in and I'm always behind him in line. And I always hear, I'll have a cappuccino. Extra. Oh, hell yeah. I think we lost Michael Gonzalez on this one.

I think he's vaccinated. He might be having a stroke right now. You're doing it, dude. So mom's proud that you're chasing your dreams? Yes. How about other people? You have other family that saw it? Your friends or anything like that?

You have friends up in there? Toronto? I got a weed sponsor today. Oh, you got a weed sponsor? Weed. Weed. Weed, marijuana. That is so great.

The Nintendo Wii is sponsoring you. That is so amazing. I'm shocked that they would take a chance like that. A weed sponsor. Hell yeah. That doesn't surprise me. I could see. This weed's so fucking strong you'll sound like Jared Nathan afterwards.

I'm fucking high, man. Shit. Fucking good. A weed sponsor. Are they giving you weed or are they giving you money? Give me weed. Hell yeah. Incredible.

Absolutely. Now, stutter like that. Does that increase or decrease based on your marijuana smoking? Motherfucking decreases. It decreases. That's why I'm sorry someone. I'm sober. Wow.

Wow. I would think it would go the opposite way, but look at that. That's incredible. What were you exactly when you bought that hat? He's nodding yes, everybody. That's a very, very high. Very high, yeah. I love it.

What else, Jared, is there anything else we should know about? It's been a couple months since we saw you. You're having fun. We know you're going to come back. You're in town for a little... How long you in town for? Month. Month.

Yeah. He's a translator. No doubt about it. Again, those hams, you can almost sort of fucking guess. He could have said maybe forever, but now he wouldn't have said A before it. Ame. I tried to guess a lot of the words you were saying, and I got most of them wrong. I wasn't even on the right track.

Let me give you a compliment. A lot of times people get on stage and they have a tendency to seem like another comedian that's trying to emulate, and you are your own original saying, and that's fucking beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. You don't remind me of anybody that does stand up. That's what I'm trying to say. What about Amy Schumer though?

It would be fun to see Carlos Mencia try to steal your jokes. We'd be like, wait a second. I know this one. Wow. I love it. Wow. Incredible. Jared, I mean, you're just an absolute fucking rave sunshine.

You always are. You're the real life of the party. And I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday, man. Wow. You just got booked on a show on Thursday. Yeah. You killed on the show again in front of the great Ron White. We are back in Austin, Texas.

How about a hand for Jared Nathan, everybody? All the way from Canada. Shit's wild there right now. So he's happy to escape. Oh, the stage hands fixing the mic again. The great Ron White. We've seen this before. People have a 100% batting average.

Teach these young comics how to use a fucking mic stand. I know. Well, I don't know if you noticed this, Ron, but Jared's retarded. He has a backpack full of books of trains. Wow. This is very exciting. We pulled someone really cool out of the bucket. This young man literally does everything right.

He is a giant bundle of talent. He works the door here at the Vulcan Gas Company. One of my, one of all of our favorite people that come into contact with him. Make some noise for Yonder, everybody. Here he comes. Oh, he's ready. He's got a smooth side. He's doing that boxing.

Yeah. Come on, people. Make some noise for the great Yonder wizard. I know I couldn't suck a dick. He's like really mad when those tiny tomatoes explode in my mouth. You could say I'm tomophobic. To get the first base with a girl, I have to be intentionally walked. I want to make a movie and call it Shrek's in the City.

Basically a middle-aged Shrek swiping Tinder bitches. And Donkey telling him nobody wants him. I swipe and I swipe. She ain't fucking with you, Shrek. Thank you. Yonder. Hell yeah. Great set.

You're doing it. You did it all. Looking like somehow the whitest samurai swordsman ever. Yeah. The last drive-thru samurai. There you go. I like it. I like it.

You are indeed a giant man. You are a real guy. You look like your part tree. You were born from a tree. My father was an oak. Yonder. So that's a great set. Thank you.

You're absolutely killed. I love the little tomatoes busting in your mouth part. Incredible stuff. I'm sure you did. Yeah. Some heart is a rock right now. Just thinking about it. Yonder, what's been going on?

It's been a few months since you've been on the show, right? Yeah, man. You know, just living life, checking fucking IDs, telling these goons to keep their cellphones on silent or vibrate. Yep. Yep. That's what I used to do. Back when I did it, they didn't even have cellphones yet.

You're not right. I love it. So you're working here full-time and doing the thing. Yeah. This is basically a full-time comedy club now. I mean, no doubt about it. Almost every single night of the week. Sure.

I think it is every single night of the week. Crazy ass shows, sometimes two at night. What are you learning from these people? What are you learning about your audiences? You get to see them firsthand. I was always studying how weird and crazy they could be from a far. When you're working at the comedy store, you see it continuously. Are you learning at Vulcan?

Man, this place is a fucking clinic for comedy. It is. It's an STD clinic to be exact. Yeah. No, man. It's really cool. I get to watch it from every angle of the room when the shows are going on pretty much. You get to really see what fucking works and what doesn't.

It makes it a lot easier to figure out what you should do and shouldn't do up here. I love it. Yeah. You're a great person. Thank you. What have you been doing for fun? What are you doing out here? I happen to know that you're an incredible musician.

I saw your debut concert here a few days ago. Yeah. And it was absolutely incredible. Would you be willing to sing a song? You want to do something? Sure. I want to show these people what the fuck we're talking about. I don't know.

Whatever, man. I don't know what the fuck. What should we do? Something fucking crazy. Oh, shit. See, he's nothing like Nicole Tran. He's not saying play bop bop beep boop at all. This guy, being strategic, he's taking Matt's guitar from.

How about a hand from Matt Mueling, letting Yonder play his guitar? That's a big deal here in the music capital of Austin, Texas. Oh, shit. They're really conniving over here right now. They're coming up with something. Yeah, so this is what we're going to do. We're going to do the chorus in the impressive part, okay? And we're going to do the chorus in the impressive part.

Oh, shit. I mean, what the fuck are we even doing here? That's just crazy. That's pretty fucking nuts. There's a little side talent for y'all. Fucking awesome. Chimney fucking crickets, man. Not an easy song to sing whatsoever.

You're like fucking blue cheese traveler. Yeah, dude. You are. You're the shape that he was back when he sang that perfectly. I'm scared to lose weight. I don't want to. Yeah, I'd imagine so. I don't fuck with the average.

You remember when Adele lost the weight, and now she sounds like Gilbert Gottfried. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, you just hit under 300 pounds for your first time. I did. I was 367 pounds when I came here for the first time last year in 299 even as of yesterday. Wow, losing weight after moving to Austin.

You know what that means. Cocaine, everybody. Yeah, babe. It's a real theme tonight. Yeah, just mountains of that. And what's actually funny is I actually have five years without cocaine this month. Six years without a cigarette.

Wow. Six years without a cigarette today, and six years without an alcoholic beverage in two weeks. Wow. So this is a big month for me. Thank you. Wow, that is incredible. Just weed.

Right. That's good. California sober. That's right. Absolutely. So that's incredible. What made you want to get sober? What was your life like at one point?

I like to sleep. Let me guess. Yeah, please go. Real fucked up, right? Yeah, dude. You know what it's like, man. I do. He lived in Myrtle Beach on top of that.

So you were doing drugs in Myrtle Beach. That was crazy. Yeah. No, I just, I don't know. I got fucked up real bad, dude, when you're drinking like a three-quarters of a bottle of rumple a day. Oh, like Nick. Like, yeah.

I don't drink. All right. So silly. Obviously, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday every day. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Yonder, an unbelievable performance.

And my god, I mean, you, the way that you fucking command a stage and rock and roll the way that you do. I mean, trust me, people. You got to keep an eye on them. Follow them on social media at yonderwizardall. One word, W-I-Z-Z-E-R-D. There goes Yonder, everybody. Congratulations.

Okay. Back to the bucket we go. We had a... All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Christopher Neal Walker, everybody. Christopher Neal Walker. Here we go. Here he is.

One more time for him. It's Christopher Neal Walker. You guys having fun out there? Oh, fucking shit. Whoo. So, hey, you guys know that one guy who thinks everybody wants to fuck him? Yeah, I'm, like, pretty sure he wants to fuck me. Oh, my goodness.

Ron White. What the fuck? This is crazy. Oh, shit. So, yeah. Hey, friends, don't let friends drive drunk, right? Like, that's the same, right? But if you've ever been at a party, you know, drinking, having a good time,

and then you're like, I better get going. And everyone's like, bye. They're like, fuck. What a sad party here. Oh, my God. If you've ever been at a bar like this and you've made eye contact with someone across the room, and you're like, at first you're like, man, that person's really good looking. But then the closer you get to them, the more you realize they're just trying to get away

from you. It's like, fuck. Oh, whatever. There we go. All right. Christopher. Neil. How are you doing, Ron?

Oh, my God. This is crazy. Christopher, don't touch the talent. All right, Tony. You can touch me if you want to, dude. Hey, look at that. Hell, yeah. We're about to see a gay rodeo over here right now.

I think you guys have some really good things going on, man. I think you guys have some good stage presence. You walked up to the microphone without asking everybody how they're doing, which is a great way to start a show. Don't ask how they're doing. I don't care. Even give a fuck how they're doing. That's great.

Just do the first fucking joke. And you did that. So that's the step in the right direction. Absolutely. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up, Christopher? Years. I actually want to stop.

I take it all back. I want to stop. I want to stop. How many years? Embarrassing amount, like seven years. I'm not asking how long you've had AIDS, Christopher. I'm asking how long you've done stand-up. Well, it's five, yeah.

The comedy seven, though. Gotcha. And you are gay, correct? Completely, yeah. But I am married to a wonderful woman who doesn't know I'm gay, so I would... Thank you for bringing it up. Wait. You are married to a woman?

Yeah, I am. Really? Yeah. And you do have sex with her? I do, yeah. Every once in a while. Do people sometimes tell you that... Because I mean, I'm the king of this, but people sometimes tell you that you give off a gay

vibe? Just you. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Just people that want to sleep with me. That's it. Yeah, yeah.

That's it. I see what you did there. That's true. Christopher Neil Walker. I would fuck at least one of your names right out of you. What do you do for work, Christopher? I make backpacks for the military. You make backpacks for the military and you're not gay?

Okay. Perfect. That makes sense. I want to work with the military, but I just want to specifically work with one region of their bodies. The backside. Let me just see if this fits. I have to...

I love fashion, yeah. Hell yeah. How long have you been married to your wife? We've been together for 12 years now. 12 years. Damn. That gasp that you let out. Again, listen to the lonely women wooing at that.

They're great. I met all of them. I think we're going to have three sums, four sums. I don't even know what's going to happen later. All right. Sure. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

That's what Hans Kim thinks as well. I'm also autistic, by the way. Oh, wait. Does he know? Never mind. Relax, Christopher. Just relax a little bit. Did I ask you what you do for a living?

Make backpacks for the military? Exactly. Are you like a contracted person? Yeah. I do melee contracts. Wow. You're doing really well. That seems like a pretty good deal.

Yeah, it's pretty good. How did you get into making backpacks? I got into AutoCAD when I was in high school. What's that? It's a program used for designing stuff, but the military loves that program. Where are you from? Melbourne, Florida. Whoa.

Are you just visiting Austin right now? Yeah. Just for the weekend. We came for the show. Oh, very cool. Very cool. My mom lives in Coco, Florida. Stop by and say, Edward.

Yeah. I know you were in Melbourne a few times. That's great. I just played Melbourne just a few weeks ago. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Get away with it too. All right.

Red band. I love it. Christopher, you have any special skills or talents? Yeah. Yeah. I go to... Oh, I have a band with my wife. We're in a band called Tanktop.

We're in the Miami episode. People were... I do remember that. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. People were making fun of us because we sang. We were both drunk and...

Right. Yeah. Right. And you and your wife are in a band called Tanktop and you guys perform regularly? Yeah. Yeah. You have like a weekly gig in Melbourne, Florida? Oh, yeah.

Monthly. We play like three times a month. Wow. Yeah. We have albums on Spotify. Okay. Can you... Can you go acapella or do you need...

No, no, no, no, no. We have songwriters and no, we made fools of ourselves last time here. Right. I don't want to do that again. Yeah, we love that shit. It made me feel bad inside though. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Well, jeez, if you're going to be a little baby about it... Yeah, I am. Yeah. Tony and Mamie feel bad. My own singing that I say I do made me feel bad. This is you, Tanktop. 85 subscribers on Spotify. That's it.

That's it. Yeah. This is you, Mannequin. Yeah, yeah, that's our big... That's our big one. That's your big song. Yeah. Now, why didn't you pull your music from Spotify after all this recent stuff?

We didn't. What are you talking about? Yeah, but you stand with Joe Rogan or... Oh, yeah, for sure. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, that was a joke. We know.

I love it. Christopher, what's something crazy about your life or your childhood? Something interesting about you that makes you different than all these other people? I'm from Peru. English was my second language. Wow. True Peruvian. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you eat Poposa? No, that's more of like a Guatemalan thing, right? I don't... I guess so. Probably. Fuck it. I mean, you're the... You're the Peruvian.

I don't know. I'm the blatant white guy from America. English is my first language. All right, Christopher. Well, you're from Peru. What are your Peruvian parents into? What are they doing? They're into rice and potatoes and...

They... My mom just... Yeah, during the pandemic, she quit her job and she's just like... She's like, I'm not doing anything anymore, so that's cool. Good for her, you know? Right. She doesn't want to do anything anymore. Right.

And, yeah. Can we open this up? Is this something we can open? Does your wife do stand-up? My wife? Yeah, she does. She did stand-up at the Miami show. On the episode.

Yeah, so I went... Benji. Benji was the guest and the... Can you bring a... Can someone bring a cup of beer or something? Yeah, please. Can we do some shots? Christopher Neil Walker is thirsty.

Yeah. Delicious. And number one tequila. That's Ron White's tequila. It's the best. I know. Literally my favorite tequila in the world. That's what I drink at my house.

Some of the best stuff. My wife loves it, too. I bet she does. If she likes you, she probably loves tequila. How do you guys keep the things exciting in the bedroom? 12 years together. Fuck. She's crazy in bed.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's so crazy about her? Explain to us exactly what's so crazy about her. She keeps it spicy. The last time she was like, I want to make love to you and never break eye contact. Wow.

And I was like, let's do this. But halfway through, my neck started hurting from looking back at her. Ah, you son of a bitch. There you go. You get a tequila for that for sure. He beat me. Cheers indeed.

Absolutely. Sure. 100%. All right, Christopher. Congratulations. Thank you so much. You had fun up here. I fucking love you.

Here's a joke book. Take a joke book. Take a joke book. Christopher Neil Walker. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of... Oh, it's a duo, I do believe. Make some noise for Dom Cantu and Caroline Montiel.

Everybody. This is exciting. Duo. The rare comedy duo, everyone. Dom Cantu and Caroline Montiel. This is very exciting. Here he is. Make some noise for Dom and Caroline, everybody.

I'm super fucking sorry. I'm sorry the first time we met. I got so drunk, I told you I could marry you. You ignored so many red flags over the last three years, I must have fucking crushed it that night. You're welcome for your son. You're like Mother Teresa in our house. You do everything for everyone,

yet you're not actually a saint. The day you forced me to stop being an alcoholic, I knew you'd be the best mom. Mom's always know how to fucking ruin the fun. Charles Manson once said, death is the greatest form of love, so I'm positive that we're going to be the best death buddies. I love you.

I love you. Wow, will you look at that? What type of world are we living in on a Monday night? Dom Cantu and Caroline Montiel. How cool is that? Oh my goodness. Is that not the most adorable thing in the world on Valentine's Day?

This is tight. There's a bottle of champagne. Do whatever you want with that. That's all you. You win a bottle of champagne. I think they should get a couple, maybe some tequila for them as well. They look a little Mexican.

Just do one for her. I'm sober. Oh, he's sober. All right. We don't want him to ruin his fucking wedding. There you go. Absolutely. Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah. That's that. You did it. How do you feel right now? These guys are Kill Tony fans. Dom hit me up a while back, and I fucking coordinated this because I'm such a nice guy with a big heart.

These guys are long story short. They're Kill Tony fans. They've been together for a few years, right? You guys are raising kids together and everything, and this was it. You waited until now to pop the question. How long have you guys been together? Three years.

Three years. How cool. Carolyn, were you surprised at what just happened here? Yep. Yeah, no. This is the guy they won't like order through a drive-thru, so I'm pretty shook. Yeah, I'm pretty shook.

Wow. Look at that. Have you talked about it before? Were you like, we should get married sometime? Well, I mean, yeah, red band. You fucking idiot. You think they've never mentioned staying together in three years?

No, I don't do that shit. So yes, we've talked about it. Right. Well, there you go. Absolutely. I'm glad we were able to help out. Congratulations to the future married couple. There goes Dom Cantu and Carolyn Montiel.

Soon to be Carolyn Cantu. What a name. It sounds like Jared Nathan trying to order chrysanthemums. There you go. Congratulations. Dom Cantu and Carolyn Montiel. It's Valentine's Day, everybody. And since it's Valentine's Day,

I think we should have one more special treat together. Who better than the regular that we love the most, the longest standing regular in the history of the show? A wild, wild man currently headlining his own tours and opening for Joe Rogan and myself all around the country. Make some noise for him. It's the great William Montgomery, everybody. Here we go.

This is it. I think I give those dumbasses maybe two years tops. What the fuck? That was the saddest fucking thing I've ever seen. Dear God, it's fucking Valentine's Day! Imagine writing a script you thought was good and then you're told Queen Latifah will be starring. I recently started taking a weed Viagra.

Only problem is whenever I smoke it, my eyes get hard. Joe Biden is about to distribute crack pipes to impoverished communities. So did Hunter Biden win a bet or something? Hey, Dad, I bet I can bang my dead brother's widow. Son, I bet you would never stoop as low as to bang your dead brother's widow. I'll bet anything. Anything? Yes, anything. Free crack pipes for America! Okay, thicka.

William Montgomery, everybody. That's what it looks like. The juggernaut, the big red machine, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. The Memphis Strangler. That's a real one. They connected me with three fucking bodies of Memphis. I was strangling these women under this bridge. The Memphis Strangler. How did you know about that?

I was just guessing. I just decided to add a brand new nickname right then. I had no idea that I would have guessed correctly. Memphis Strangler. So let's talk about it. How many women did you strangle underneath the bridge in Memphis? It was three. Right. Was this all at once? Was this spread over time?

It was one October. Oh. Yeah, it was in it. It was October. I was having a pretty bad month. Wow. It was close to Halloween, and yeah, I just started strangling these women underneath this bridge. Wow. Incredible. October.

October. Yeah. Wow. Hey, and also, I just have to say, Red Band, I got this really cool ring for Valentine's Day. Do you want to see it? Well, hey, I got this thing of potato chips for you, and I was wondering if you could help me open this. Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on?

Here, look at my ring real quick. You guys are so stupid. Dude, I told you I didn't want snakes up here. This is the dumbest show ever. I fucking told you specifically not to bring the snake and the fucking Pringles. Can you dumbass? How this show is sold out months in advance, I have no idea. It doesn't really make any sense.

Water ring versus a fucking Pringles snake. I mean, we are basically... And you're dressed up like a righteous gemstone. What the fuck am I doing here? That's the question. I deserve that. I did wear this tonight. William Montgomery, you have two unlicensed guns.

Is that correct? Correct. And what have you been doing with those? Have you been doing anything with those lately? Oh my God, I have been shooting them off. There's a little... One of those areas that water collects when it rains. It's sort of...

What is that? Some sort of sewer thing above ground. It has like three walls. I'll just go walk in there and just fucking shoot the bullets off of those walls. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Damn, that sounds like you actually do that. The way you describe that, because it's not really anything...

Yeah, I honestly, I got way too high before this. I have been on the verge of panicking when this water didn't squirt red band right on the fucking face. Jared smoked some of that fucking stutter butter with you? He did. He was up there passing around the blunt. I smoked it. I've been trying to fill up this fucking thing. It broke in my fucking hand.

I bought this fucking thing for $75. You bought the water release or thing for $75? $75 off of Amazon. It shouldn't fucking break in my hand like this. Wow. It's bullshit. And that ring, what's up with the ring that doesn't even fit on your finger all the way? I know.

I had to improvise up there when I was really high, panicking about this fucking set, and then the people got fucking married. God, what about that? What about that? I wonder how long they'll be married. If you're wondering, like, I knew that that part was going to happen, so I had to actually make the decision, do you do that before William or does it go William and then that?

And I made the right decision because you got to be the bad cop and come in and acknowledge that the relationship had only last two years. But they have children. I think it might actually work out. Where are they? You guys believe in it, right? Look at that. And that was an actual Bones Eye joke book this guy pulled out of the fucking ring.

And y'all, I'm totally kidding. I swear to you, I'm totally kidding. I wish y'all the best of luck. You know what, William? I think it was a really good idea. Just for making fun of them, I think you should officiate their wedding. What do you guys think about that, huh? I'll fly you to wherever they live and you go out there.

You have to spend the day with this fucking, this fucking, this fucking joke. Are y'all cool with that? Are y'all cool with that? There you go. Is that devil horns you just fucking did up? It's going to be a good gig for you, William. I'm pretty sure they're in the cartel business. They might use you as a drug mule.

William, I mean, you came up here and you, every single week somehow, whether it be just your natural talent combined with the way that you're living life, combined with you finding sobriety six months ago, this whole thing is a real storm because your jokes hit so fucking hard every single week and you're going up after everything. It's the hardest spot and you do it every week. It's incredible. Cool. We'll thank you so much.

William Montgomery, everybody. Wow. An amazing drawing from the great Ryan J. Ebel tonight all the way from Los Angeles. He drew tonight's episode while it was happening. Every print of every show is available at ryanjeebel.com. This one's cool as fuck. It's me, Ron and Red Band. We're part of the sun or something like that.

It's fucking cool as hell. How about a hand for the band, everybody? The screwball peanut butter whiskey kill Tony band. That's John Dees on the keys. Michael Gonzalez on the drums and Matt Mueling on guitar. How loud can this place get for the fucking goat of all the guests? Ron White, everybody, was here tonight for you people. He didn't do it for me.

He does it for you guys because he loves you. Make sure you drink number one, tequila. Enjoy yourselves. Have fun. Thank you for coming to tonight's show. We'll see you all again soon. Thanks a lot, guys. Thanks very much.

You guys are so sweet. Did you guys... The show's over? Whatever you want. Yeah, what? Oh, no, is there going to be a band? Yeah, the Nether hour is going to be here. Did you tell them that?

Yeah. You did? Yeah, I did earlier. All right. Okay. Nether hour fucking rocks. Stick around. Drink tequila and we'll see you guys around.

Get tequila. Stick around. We're all going to watch Nether hour together. Thank you all. Good night, everybody. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day.