KILL TONY - #547 - BRENDON WALSH + MATT FULCHIRON

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

Brendon Walsh, Matt Fulchiron, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/21/2022

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Reverend, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get off at TonyHinchCliff. Guys, it's Monday night in Austin. Are you ready to have the best night of your fucking lives? Wow, how exciting. Hey, look everybody, it's Brian Redband. Hey, he invented podcasting, everybody. You're at Kill Tony, sponsored by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. This is it.

We are at our home in Austin, Texas. How about a hand for the band, everybody? The Kill Tony band, the screwball, peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the great Matt Mueling on guitar, and our dear friend Dee Madness on the bass right behind me here. Fun times. Thank you to the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, White Claw, CM Smokehouse, and the W Hotel. We just partnered with the W.

If people come and visit Kill Tony, if you say that you have tickets to Kill Tony, you now use the promo code Kill Tony, save 25%. Fucking huge, yeah. A Sunday or Monday night at the W Hotel. How fucking cool is that, huh? And yeah, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The 2022 tour.

It's Raleigh, North Carolina, March 11th and 12th. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I'm back with you again. It's been a while. April 8th and 9th, Miami, Florida, April 21st to the 23rd, Phoenix, May 5th to the 7th. Salt Lake City, Wise Guys, one of the best clubs in the world, May 20th and 21st. And more dates are being added regularly. Get tickets at TonyHinchCliff.com.

Hey, y'all, I'm telling you, I am loving the year 2022. Things are happening. We're getting back on our feet. Everybody's doing live shows. I'm back on tour. And most importantly, I'm happy about my health right now. I've been doing a lot of crazy exercises, a lot of hydrating, and I'm able to do that because of amazing liquid IV.

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You guys are in for a very special treat. Normally in these shows here in Austin, we only have one guest. Tonight we are lucky enough. This is an LA style show. We have two guests in town worthy of being guests on this show. Two of my favorite comedians on the planet. Two guys I've been working with for a decade and a half. Make some noise for my friends.

Matt Fultron and Brendan Walsh. Yeah. Wow. Look, these people know who they're seeing right now. These are badass motherfuckers. Brendan Walsh of the world record podcast. What many say, the funniest podcast in the world. Beeman in the house.

That's him. And next to him is the great Matt Fultron, the full charge power hour pod. So the funniest podcast in the world. That's true. Two of the funniest in the world. No doubt about it. I'm glad you guys are here. You guys have both been guests before years ago because this is the longest running

and number one live podcast in the world. But we're just hanging out on a Monday. You know, we're just staying humble. I like to be humble. If you know anything about me, you know. But yeah, we watch comedians together. A bunch of people signed up before the show. They get 60 seconds.

You know their time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up or else they're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them. I ask them a bunch of questions. Try to find out more about their lives. What makes them interesting? I'm going to be super nice to everybody tonight. It's going to be great.

You guys ready to start tonight's show? Awesome. Well, let's start it with a bang. Instead of reaching into this bucket and meeting a stranger. Let's bring someone up here, a regular that really knows how to get the party started. He became a regular here just a few months ago. An absolute monster. Now he opens up for me and Joe Rogan all around the country.

His name is Hans Kim, everyone. A brand new minute by Hans Kim. Hey, I played basketball with these gangsters. And they were like, yeah, you're book smart, but I'm street smart. I was like, oh, you're smart in a way that's not measurable or comparable. How convenient for you. Maybe you're dumb and you're insecure about it. And that's why you committed aggravated assault.

Stop punching me. It hurts. People are always like, I'm going to kick your ass. I'm like, good, that's the best place to be kicked. It's soft. There's nothing important back there. Why are you thinking about my butt, you weirdo? We're trying to fight.

My friends like, dude, we're so lucky we're not gay. Can you imagine that most of the gender you were attracted to wasn't attracted to you back? I was like, whoa, can't even imagine. Thank you. Wow. Hans Kim with another brand new minute, making it look easy. Dress like a scarecrow tonight. Gotta love it.

We saw this shirt a few weeks ago and you told us that you got it from Aviator Nation that they gave it to you for free. There was a bunch of strings attached to it. And it appears as though you've decided to wear it again and you cut the strings off. Yeah. Wow. Do you think that the jokes that were made about you that night affected your decision to cut the strings off?

Definitely. Wow. Wait, there were strings hanging off the bottom? Fraded. Yeah, it was frayed. He looked like a fucking Thanksgiving tablecloth or something like that. Pumpkin spice. Autumn.

September in New York, if you will. Hans, how's life going this week? What's happening? It's been amazing. I recently got paid to do a podcast with this drug addict and then he relapsed. Right. I got the money for free and I'm just chilling now. Do you think you caused him to relapse?

What happened? What drug? Heroin? Probably. Oh, wow. You weren't even paying attention on the podcast. That's exciting. I didn't have to do it.

Okay. What else is going on, Hans? What's going on with your love life? Everybody wants to know. You used to famously make out with women every single week on the show and then we decided to let you go just chase your own tail for a change. How's that been going for you? It's been going pretty successfully.

Now, Hans is famously autistic. A couple of weeks ago, I let the cat out of the bag that Hans has a problem with bringing dates around farther than their security clearance should be allowed. He famously just brings girls into the green room during Joe Rogan shows and there's like a girl with a needle hanging out of her arm talking with one of the most powerful men in all of media all of a sudden. He thinks she's a normal girl because she made it there, but no, she's just friends with autistic fucking Hans over here.

This week, we found out, I mean, this is wild. I mean, this is absolutely insane, but we found out that a girl that you were dating that was on the stage that we interviewed that did a dance of a bad stripper from Detroit. Right? You remember who I'm talking about? Yeah. I don't know if you know about this, but we all found out it's spread like wildfire amongst the Kiltoni group texts that she murdered a man.

No. What about this? She there's a there's a news article that's spread around in which we found out it's her mug shot and she murdered her boyfriend. She shot him in the belly and then pushed him out of the car in front of a hospital. He died on the ground in the parking lot. These are the girls you're bringing around us, Hans. I swear to God, that girl was in a green room on a random Tuesday or Wednesday with all of

us and Joe Rogan. She could have murdered Joe Rogan. I patted her down before the show. Son of a bitch. Now, did you know about that? Did you know that she murdered a man? She did not. She just shot him.

He lived. She didn't murder him. She just shot him and he died. He did not die. It's his thing. She shot him in self-defense. It was domestic and I support her. Don't lie to me.

That's Joe. That's Joe's mad. Joe's on speakerphone right now. Is there anything you want to say to Joe about this situation? Joe, I respect you to the utmost and I would never put you in danger. This girl was not a threat. You are the problem. Wow.

How do you feel about Joe being mad at you right now, Hans? It's pretty bad. It feels like the most powerful man in media hates me. Wow. This is your guy's first time seeing Hans Kim live. Am I correct? What do you think about this specimen? I like how he's condescending towards less fortunate people.

And just the confidence, because you don't seem that confident, but the things you say are so fucking confident. Yeah. And arrogant. It's amazing. Yeah. It is incredible. I love it.

I love this kid. Solid as a rock. No doubt about it. I think the shirt could be a little more tattered. I think you should have found a happy medium. Maybe we can add some strings. You wear it again in a few weeks? Yeah.

All right. Let's try it, everybody. Keep your eyes on the ugliest shirt ever made, only available here on Kill Tony. I love it. Hans, anything else we need to know about before letting you go? I moved into a home. I'm out of the van. Really?

Wow. Incredible. Incredible. I love that the more you live in a home, the more homeless you dress on the show. It's incredible. And so you are less fortunate. I was shitting on you. Shitting on less fortunate people.

And when you say a home, is it like a home for people, like a halfway house situation or something? It's a home for normal humans, citizens. Okay. Is he autistic for real? For real. For real. For realist.

For real. Cut inappropriate joke. Well, that's great. You know, there's a show called The Good Doctor about an autistic doctor. Yeah. Yeah. You watch it? No.

I watch, like, Katan stuff and Starcraft 2. Chris Katan? This is silly. Mango, the series? I love it. Hans. You ever audition for anything? You ever try to be on TV or movies or anything?

You ever want to be, like, one of the crazy rich Asians or anything like that? I audition for America's Got Talent. Really? Yeah. And you did your stand up? Yeah. And what did they say? They said, we want to see you again.

And then they said, okay, never mind. There you go. Why do you think that is? Maybe I don't. I'm not good at, like, telling stories about myself. Like, I'm just, like, in the moment. I'm, like, you know, super selfless. Maybe you can audition for America's Got Autism or something like that.

You do. Really good. Did you bring your murder girlfriend? That could add something. America's Got Murders, bitch! He's with some lady who's cleaning her fingernails with a giant knife. A knife with shirt strings attached to it after a little trimming. Hans, always fun.

Another new minute. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you, Tony. You see all the show works now. You get it. Now I reach into this bucket where it's basically complete strangers. Maybe it's someone's first time ever.

Maybe it's a local legend here to break out. Anything can happen. A ton of people signed up before the show and your first comedian out of the bucket getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Charles Callahan. Here we go. Here he comes. Everything is moving along smoothly here tonight. This is Charles Callahan, everybody.

So, first things first, I need everybody in here to believe me 100% when I tell you I am a dumbass. For example, I have several tattoos, but my worst tattoo was given to me by a girl that I just really hoped I could sleep with. She had a whopping eight hours of experience tattooing prior to tattooing me, and my dumbass didn't get anything small. Instead, I asked for an entire chest piece. So, for the last 13 years, anytime I made a new girl and things to get sexual,

I have to deal with the fact that she has to look at this. Unfortunately, I haven't found the money in order to be able to get it fixed yet, although it would be a simple fix. And that's all I got for tonight. All right, Charles Callahan. I love it. Can we see the tattoo? We did not see the tattoo. Yeah, we didn't get a good look at it. Oh, my fucking god.

It's Charlotte's web-styled writing that says woop woop because back in the day, I was considered a juggler. You were considered a what? Put the microphone right up to your mouth. It says woop woop. That's a juggler thing. Oh, shit. That's the logo. Yeah. Oh, shit.

So, it's the logo? Everything about you is horrible. High-track. That's wild. Incredible. It's basically prop comedy. Come to a comedy show. Be like, everybody, look at this tattoo. Place goes wild. Bring it with me everywhere.

Drop the mic. I love it. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a gay wolf? Has anybody ever told you you look like the bastard child of William Defoe and Annabelle? I mean, that's an attempt. You guys are making that noise based on principle. You didn't actually hear what he said at all. You're just hoping that we get into a battle or something right now. But I promise you, this is no battle whatsoever.

That was a preloaded thing. This guy's had years to prepare for me. William Defoe and Hill, who was the second one? Annabelle. Annabelle? Yeah, the doll. Oh, god. You suck. You suck.

I like my gay wolf thing much more. I give myself the victory. I mean it, a real gay wolf. It looks like if someone put their dick in your butt, you'd be like, Oh! See what I mean? See how good I am at this? God damn right, William Defoe and Annabelle, you son of a bitch.

All right, Charles Callahan, let's talk about it. How long have you been on stand-ups? Second time. Second time ever. How about a hand for this guy? It takes a lot of balls to do that. Whoop whoop. Whoop whoop.

Charles, what do you do for a living? I just got a job at Sonic. I start tomorrow. Whoa, hell yeah. Are they going to put you on roller skates or something like that? Are you going to be one of the... No, I don't work for tips. I'd rather be in the kitchen. Okay, you're in the kitchen. What's Sonic even really known for?

Milkshakes, right? Slush. Commercials, like really witty commercials. And shitty food, really shitty food. It was an easy end. It was what? An easy end. My roommate, he works there, got me the job on the spot.

It seems like working in the kitchen at Sonic would be a pretty easy job to get. I don't know. Depends on your prison record if you're like a Hans Kimx girlfriend. It's probably a little bit harder. Do you have a record? Um... Yes. All the...

I tell you yes. U.M. equals yes. I don't know if you guys ever took algebra. U.M. equals Y.E.S. Insane clown posse's greatest hits. I have that on vinyl. What's on your record? What did...

We got a little blemish there. A little, a little... It was just a misdemeanor for possession of marijuana, paraphernalia. Oh, thank you. Yeah. No, that's good. Actually, you need that to get hired at Sonic. How old are you, Charles?

34. 34. What do you do for fun? All the things you think are boring. I hike. I shoot. Okay. I fish.

All right. What do you shoot? Your tattoo artist? No. I got an AR-15 and a 12-gauge. Whoa. Damn. Look at you.

Be nice. Yeah. Shooting at a Sonic... Gay wolf attacks coworkers. Some shirtless gay guy. Oh, shit. I went and need a gun in order to attack a coworker. No.

I did several years of martial arts. Oh, wow. Okay. Are you willing to... Would you be willing to show us a little bit of shadow boxing or something like that? I mean, 20 years of martial arts. This is a live show. Anything can happen.

Whoa. Whoa. Wow. I'm not making fun of you anymore. Sit down, Annabelle Defoe. Yeah. Oopsie daisies. I apologize.

You're a good-looking wolf. Wow. That's impressive. Have you ever had to use that against somebody? Not in 13 years. Okay. What happened 13 years ago? Jesus.

Well, Tony, that's the day that I got this tattoo. When you kill a man with your bare hands. Arizona was one of the few places in the country where jugglers are considered a gang and I was an enforcer. Are you fucking serious? Dead serious. Oh, my God. Wow. What did you enforce?

What did you do? People fucked up. They'd kick people out, you know, getting fights. And you would do that? You would do, like, that high kick and shit? No. My specialty when I did martial arts was taekwondo, but usually just a right hook to the jaw would dislocate it or break it. All right.

Jesus Christ. Definitely going to see this one on forensic files one day. Can you explain what happened again? I told you 100 times. A juggalo kicked me in the head. I don't know what else. Well, how else to say it? Wow.

Charles, what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that, uh, likes, uh... Choking? He does all right. You look like a woman fresh out of prison, you know what I mean? He's still like a tough cookie. I've been with a couple girls that were in prison, but I've been single for two years now. Okay.

All right. You've been dating? You've been getting late or anything like that? No, I'm not the type of person that can do one night stands. Wow. What do you mean? You're a lover. You're a romantic.

Is that what you're saying? Half of my dick is scar tissue? Okay. Great. This interview just went from over to four more minutes, everybody. All right. All the other comedians can go home. Guys, go home.

We'll see you next week. My thought process behind comedy was purely just to talk shit about myself because I'm a dumbass and I've lived an interesting life. So tell us about how half of your penis is scar tissue. The question everybody wants to know right now. When I was 19 years old, my ex and I, my ex wanted to have sex right now and we were about 20 feet away from her parents. So I decided to unzip my pants without undoing the button.

We pushed her basketball shorts to the side and we had sex for about a half hour. And I didn't realize what had happened until afterwards. And then I proceeded because I was 19 and stupid to fuck her the entire time it was healing. Finish that. Hold on a second. Thank you. We don't need to have any cinematic strings.

We don't need a dramatic score for this. Hold on a second. Wait, I'm sorry. I have to interrupt here. You scarred your own dick by having it rub up against the zipper the whole time? Why didn't you unbutton the button once and then never have to worry about it? There's no door to lock between us and her parents. So we were trying to be super secretive.

That's like the worst way to be super secretive because worst case scenario they come in and you do the zip up with an erect penis out, right? Oh no. If they had walked in, she would have just stopped writing me and we would have. Yeah, but your shredded dick cheese would be all over the place. Well luckily we didn't get caught. Dick cheese has been called on the field. Yeah, it's our first dick cheese reference of the evening.

So how bad was it? You have to go to the hospital? No, I don't like hospitals so I just continued to fuck her while it healed. Okay. It took about two months. Why don't you like hospitals? Uh, just not into modern medicine. I mean I'm alright with like penicillin but beyond that I self-medicate with marijuana

and mushrooms. Okay. All right. I didn't realize I was interviewing Joe Rogan right now. Not a big fan of modern medicine, huh? No, I am not. All right. Well, Charles, very interesting guy.

It's so weird because you have a spider tattoo, a spider web tattoo on your chest. It was the first time a person ever did a tattoo. Same exact thing happened to me and it's a Spider-Man logo with a Chinese character on it. Yeah, because I like Chinese characters. Later on recently I found out that it means waterfalls in Chinese. So now I have not only the worst tattoo but it means the gayest thing in the whole entire world.

Wow. Wow. Jesus Christ. That was a hearty story for it to end in meant waterfalls everybody. It shows bang, bang, bang and then fucking got a little emotional there. Calm it down a little, Tony. Charles, you're so interesting, man. You're a compelling character.

I hope you'll sign up and we'll get to see you in a minute sometime of your work. I'll be here every minute. Congratulations. Second time ever on stage. You got to witness it right here, live on Kill Tony. What was that tattoo story? Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. That's the worst tattoo I've ever seen in my life. That thing is fucking stretched out like that last guy's material. Oh. Pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Dinah Lavro or Dinah Laro. Oh, Dinah perhaps? Dinah?

Here she is from the audience. This is always exciting. What's up, Boston? Let me see if I can make you motherfuckers laugh. So my friend Matt, he's recently single. He's on all the dating apps. He found this one called Butterface. Everything's hot, Butterface.

I didn't make it up. He sees this girl, her body stacked. But in every picture, she's got a mask on. He's like, how bad could it be? So they decided to meet at a restaurant. And he thinks he sees her at the bar. He taps on her shoulder. Hey Becky, she turns around.

Hi Matt. She's still got the fucking mask on. He's like, all right, but he gets it. You're standing up. The virus can get you when you're standing up. So he's like, come on, I got a table. Let's go sit down. So they sit down.

He's like, all right, you can take your mask off now. You're sitting down. The virus snows. Fucking game off, right? So she's like, all right. Hi. What? You met me on the dating app on Butterface.

What did you expect? Waiter, we're going to do standing only, please. That's it. Okay. I love it. Dina? Dina. Dina.

Dina Lavro? Dina Laro. Dina Laro. Wow. You have bad handwriting for a white woman. Sorry. It was hard. Really, really bad.

It's shockingly, shockingly bad. I went to Catholic school too. Oh, okay. All right. So what does that mean exactly? Nothing. Okay. Teach you about Jesus.

Dina, I love it. You have the energies of someone that plays the lottery a lot. Am I correct? No. I hate the lottery. You go to convenience stores and buy lottery tickets? No, I hate it. I'm just so excited to be here.

Okay. Why are you excited? Explain to us what you've been doing with your life up until this point. Well, we make badass vegan Philly cheesesteaks. You make badass vegan Philly cheesesteaks? Is that a big market right now? It is. A lot of vegans like, you know, what I really want is a Philly cheesesteak.

Well, it just tastes good. You don't even have to be vegan to like it. Okay. Did you just come here to sell your cheesesteaks? No. Maybe. No. Now, I love you.

I think you're so funny. I just want to meet you. Okay. This is okay. I agree. I understand why that would be. I totally get that. I mean, I love me too.

Can we talk more about these cheesesteaks? Yeah. Is it dragon fruit? What is it? Yeah. What do you make it with? I went to chef's school and I learned how to make satan. So it's a protein flower.

Oh, satan. I go to his church, actually. I love it. So you make satan. You get some peppers and onions and you just try to cover up the flavor of the vegan part. Yeah. Yeah. It really tastes good.

So you use the protein flower. You make it taste like whatever meat you want. So you add seasonings like garlic and stuff like that. And then we cook it in a way that takes on the chewest steak. I'm from Philly. So I've been eating cheesesteaks for 30 years. Hell yeah. Yeah.

And so we make it vegan. Yeah. Vegan Philly cheesesteak. Yeah. Okay. What part of Philly are you from? Delaware County, Delco. That's not Philly.

It's like 10 minutes. I grew up in Philadelphia. Yeah, cool. That's like saying you're from Austin, but really you're from Pflugerville. Hey. Pflugerville. Pflugerville. I do.

I'm not against like veganism or anything. But what, it's funny to me how all the, it's like, you know, tastes just like meat. You know, all these like plant based, it's 100% plant based. Just eat some fucking vegetables. What do vegans have against vegetables? No. They're like, oh, let's get some vegetables, but concoct them into like a cow anus and then eat that.

We just like the way that we miss it. Cheesesteak, you know, a ham sandwich. Okay. Let's talk about your life. How long have you been doing stand up? This is my first time. Wow. Wow.

That's good. That's good. Okay. So what made you want to, is this something you've always wanted to do? I just think I'm funny. Oh. Okay. Does anyone know?

I thought it'd be fun. Do other people ever tell you that you're funny? Um, people, my boyfriend laughs at me a lot. Your boyfriend? Yeah. Is that that guy right there? Yeah. Wow.

Wow. That's your boyfriend? Holy shit. He's handsome, huh? Is he a vegan? Sometimes. Oh. Hell yeah.

That means he's bisexual, right? Isn't that what that's called? A sometimes vegan? I love it. You guys don't seem like you go together at all. This guy seems like prime and proper and you seem like you've made a lot of bad decisions, you know. You seem like you had a naughty run in your 20s or something like that.

It's the vibe that I get. Like a younger you would have dated Hans Kim for a little bit. Snuck into that green room. Total opposite. Really? Yeah. No, the opposite. I'd wait forever to have sex.

Oh. Okay. That wasn't what I said at all. I like that. I like whatever you heard. Whatever you heard is perfect. She should get together with Scar tissue dick. He's not into one night stands either.

Yeah. His dick looks like a vegan Philly cheese thing. So be perfect. I activated the back lights on that one. That means I was extra good if I activate the wild lights. Okay. Dick cheese. No.

Dick cheese isn't going to activate the back lights. I didn't work. All right. So Dina, what's something interesting about your life that we'd be surprised to know? Do you have any fun hobbies or anything? Do you have any kids? Anything at all? Well, when I was 19, I went to Cancun and I beat the Mexican waiter in arm wrestling.

Wow. Man. You know, if that was my life, that would probably be like the 40,000th most interesting thing about my life. Wait. I only said that because I want to arm wrestle you. No, you don't. Dina.

No. No. Very good. You guys are funny. You guys are so stupid. It's a lawsuit. Wait. You guys think I should arm wrestle her?

Where are you guys going? Hold on. Hold on. There's no way this is going to physically work. Hold on. Take your jacket off. Let me see what you're working with under there. Oh, you got this.

All right. All right. Nick, get us some tables and chairs or something. This isn't really going to... Yoni, will you film this from the center, Yoni? I don't know where he is out there. We need a bar table. But if I'm going to beat a woman's ass in arm wrestling,

just know I didn't want to do this. It was you guys that made this happen. This is the dumbest thing ever. I would literally beat most men in arm wrestling. But since you guys are absolute morons that don't believe in anybody or anything, even somebody who you paid $35 to see tonight, I'm just going to beat her real quick in arm wrestling.

Oh, you seem good at that. Wait a second. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Wait a second. This bitch has a grip right now. I'm telling you right now. Shit's fucked up.

This is not going how I thought it was going to go. You do this a lot? Twice? You were 17 and 19 and now you're 64 and you're about to get your ass beat. You guys are going to like, is it 3-2-1-go or 3-2-1? How do you want to do it?

1-2-3. That's the most vegan countdown I've ever heard in my life. We can do it. We'll do it over the top style. I'll put my hand over your hands and when I release it, you start. I mean, she literally doesn't have a chance. You know what?

After this, hold on, let me just say this, is that after I beat her in arm wrestling, I'm going to beat her boyfriend in arm wrestling immediately afterwards. Oh yeah, there he is. He's a real grown man. Okay, what?

You want to make a bet? Okay, what's your bet? Tickets to your Miami show. Okay. All right, sure. If you beat me in arm wrestling, which is the least of my worries, I'll give you tickets to my Miami show.

Okay, ready? Two tickets? Okay, because if it's four, I'm pulling out right now. Okay, I have to touch your other hand too. All right. Ready? Here we go.

Let's get it. Go. Give me the boyfriend. Come on. Oh my God. Get up here. I love that you guys were all concerned. What do you think I was going to even let her have a chance?

No. Not even a chance. Look at this guy shaking hands with everybody. Oh Jesus, look at the size of this guy's hand. Oh my God. What's up? Oh, I fucked up. I fucked up.

I fucked up. You're 62? 37. Son of a bitch. What the fuck? What have I gotten myself into tonight? These people wanted to see comedy. You don't want to see this, right?

All right, here we go. You got this, Tony. You got this, buddy. I don't like this at all. How do you want to sit? Okay, whatever you want. Any disadvantage you feel like you have, because hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You have an unhinged wrist right now. We have to straighten that up. We have to start straight. Grab other hands. You got to grab other hands, guys. This guy has... You can't hinge your wrist like that.

We have to start even. Tony, you have to have your left hand grab his other hand, though. Let's go, Tony. Come on, Tony. Come on, Tony. Ready? Three, two, one.

You guys got him! Take you and that hoe and get the fuck off my stage. Thank you. No, I'm kidding. Good job, buddy. Congratulations. This is literally the dumbest show in the history of shows.

You got to love it. You're pretty strong for a little guy. What? You're pretty strong for a little guy. You are. You are. You're good. He was good, too.

How much Viagra does it take to fuck off? He has his forehand. I just can't believe that the audience actually thought that she was going to beat Tony at one point. Yeah. And then that Steve Martin was going to beat Tony at one point.

I have bad news for all you haters. I'm smart, beautiful, and ridiculously strong. I'm unbelievably rich. Wildly successful. You're just going to have to learn to fucking love it. I can beat women in arm wrestling. Beautiful. That was long.

That's what I was going to win. You figured out how to stretch this fucking thing out, Dina. Congratulations. And you know what? Since you guys are so cool and so much fun, I'm going to give you those Miami tickets anyway. That's awesome.

What do we got to lose? Sweetheart. There she goes. Dina. Laura, everybody. And you know what? Since you're a legend, why don't you take a big joke book from Bones Eye?

Challenge me to an arm wrestling match. And you know what? Let me say something. Let me say something. Fuck you guys. All of you. What's wrong with you people? Do we not believe in anything anymore?

Everybody wants to hate on fucking winners all the time. Oh, let's do it. Oh, we must see Tony Armrestle. Woman. You fucking people. We should do it. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's do another special treat. You guys like special treats, right? We'll keep this momentum up. This is a man, a regular on this show, a legend on this show. He's been opening up for Louis CK. He opens up for Joe Rogan. He opens up for me.

He's living his dreams. One of my best friends, Roaster, writer, comedian, David Lucas, everybody. If a girl got too many lights on her dashboard, I'm not going to fuck her raw. I was in this one bitch car and her dashboard looked like an airplane cockpit. I swear I saw a light come on that said landing gear failure.

I was like, what the... When girls don't wear makeup and they wear a lot of makeup all the time and you finally sin without makeup, don't they look like they have an allergy problems? Like, bitch, have you been looking at the sun all day? What the fuck is... But imagine ladies, you wear makeup all the time and your boyfriend don't know what the fuck you really look like.

And then you die. And they got to go to the morgue to identify your body. He's like, I think that's her. Can I see the pussy? There it is. I mean, one of the absolute legends of the history of the show. One of the longest standing regulars of all time. A brand new minute. Every single time he's on, David Lucas is in town tonight.

Yeah, Tony. This guy, you've been out touring the past couple weeks with the great Louis C.K., one of the best comedians on planet Earth in the history. Yeah, bro, that motherfucker, when he told me he was a fan of mine, he said he saw some Kill Tony clips. So he watches Kill Tony. Yes, he does.

Louis C.K. found me straight from YouTube, man. Always have as much material. He opened door for Louis to come here, of course. Almost had him at one point during Skankfest three years ago. I doubt he covered that, bro. I think he would. Yeah, I think Louis is a little bit more of a thug than people may come out to be.

I think he's a cool guy. I think he gets it. I posted a picture of me and Louis on Instagram and Bruce Grave from the comedy store said, it looks like the guidance counselor that helped you in high school. That's hilarious. Like Louis worth millions that I had on more expensive shit than him, bro.

I felt so stupid, bro. I was like, he up there killing it. I got on $1,000 worth of clothes. I love it. I'm telling you, I see a difference. You have Swagger right now. I feel like you have a whole new confidence. You have a good look going on.

You look like a mush together. Oh, shit. Here we go. Hell, yeah. Here we go, Tony. You look like a bed, bath, and beyond. Got them booty banded Tony up in this bed. Booty banded? I'm not gay. I beat women in arm wrestling matches.

You beat her arm wrestling because she wouldn't fuck you. That's... I love it. So, David, we're coming up on the end of your month. How does that make you feel? I was black history. You were...

I was like, what is this thing you're talking about? It's ice cream appreciation month. How do you know that? I like black history, man, because a black man invented peanut butter. Do you know how many white kids peanuts are killed? That is true. That is true.

That motherfucker is an assassin. They didn't know. He was working for Malcolm X, dawg. They just didn't know it. That is wild. Now that you mention it, none of my black friends are allergic to peanuts. Yeah, I got all type of allergies, man,

because my grandma my white, bruh. She fucked me up, dawg. Now, we can tell you've been swollen since I met you. Tony, you got an allergy to latex, motherfucker. Oh, my God. You look at your boyfriend and be like, do you have anything? Okay. David, come on. How dare you?

You should be a drug mule for the Mexican cartel. Oh, okay. You should be a drug cow for the Mexican cartel. What are you even doing for fun? What else is going on in your world? What did you do for the Super Bowl? For the Super Bowl. I was with Louis, so I didn't do shit.

I performed. I didn't give a fuck about no Super Bowl. Goddamn right. I agree. Trust me. I was just glad to be out of LA. Anyone fuck with that traffic, man. Yeah. All the hoes came in the city, so I was a little mad. You know what I'm saying? I had my $40 ready. Hell yeah.

Absolutely. Out of town pussy, bruh. You can tell a bitch anything that live in Cleveland. Bitch, I play for the Rams. I'm just on the injury. I'm on the injury reserve list, man. For real? Yes, bitch. I love it. You got a fucking house fly with a neck brace on.

That's what it is. B-man. Got the power of the B. Where you get that Mrs. Doubtfire wig from, nigga? That's what the fuck I'm... I got a Mrs. Doubtfire wig on. Hell yeah. Woo-hoo!

Then we got the symphony conductor in this motherfucker. Oh, shit. The Austin Orchestra leader right here, bruh. This is what he does. He makes fun of people. I know, bruh. I'm sorry. You look like a high school band teacher, dawg, bruh. Everybody outside here all bad, bruh. You look really cool.

I can't really fuck with you, you know what I mean? I don't talk like somebody from the symphony or... I'm not a teacher either. You talk like you sell cell phone insurance. You got me there. You're cool, though, bruh. We should probably switch, you know? I haven't said anything funny yet.

I ain't sitting down for no I want to have, bruh. Not right now. David, what else? Anything else going on in the world? How long you in town for? What's shaking? What else? Uh, I'm in town for a cool minute. I go, uh, I'm with Birdcrasher this weekend. Oh, okay. Look at that. The machine meets the sleep apnea machine.

He takes his shirt off and you wear yours while you go swimming. This motherfucker is getting me. You fucking... Hell yeah. This is what India R.E. looks like after taking your music off Spotify. Yeah, that one was just for me, I guess. I like that, bruh, because I ain't heard from India R.E. since I was in A-grade. I'm like, bitch, ain't nobody checking for you, no way. Exactly.

R. Kelly said he's gonna take his music off. Yeah, right. I was like, nigga, you peed on somebody. You better sit down, bruh. I heard he's getting probation. I hope so, bruh. I'm going to the concert. Yeah. I'm taking both of my baby mamas. Fuck that. Oh, shit.

I love R. Kelly, though. He can do no wrong, bruh. I mean, I agree. I'm a huge R. Kelly fan. First... And I don't even listen to his music. I'm just a fan of him as a human being overall, really. Motherfucker, can't read. I can convince an underage bitch to fuck. Yeah.

That is wild, right? He's on all the streaming services, not music ones. Red Bay, edit that out. What? I told him to edit that out. My career going good, man. I might've just fucked myself, bruh. Talking about underage bitches, man. You're a big R. Kelly fan because you're always hot and fresh out the kitchen.

Yeah. He on fire today, goddammit. Motherfucker. I can't believe a positive image. That's what David's breasts do. Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. Ladies and gentlemen, that is what a force of nature looks like. How about one more time for David Lucas, everybody?

Oh, yeah. We're doing this shit tonight, people. This is a fucking party. Make some noise for your next comedian straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Derek Kopezawa. Derek Kopezawa. Zawa.

Kopezawa. Here he comes. God, I miss David. That was great to see David again. Come on, everybody. Make some noise one more time for Derek Kopezawa. Oh, did somebody call the Kopezawa? Because I'm here, baby. One of you called 6911. That's my number. Tight. Hell yeah.

I'll just spend the next 40 seconds breathing, because that's what I have left. I recently found out being fat is a genetic thing, which makes me feel great. Because that means even when I was a little sperm, I was swimming wearing a shirt. You guys like impressions? Yeah, you fucking would. This is my impression of somebody with an extreme kink and a lisp. I want you to pith on me. I'm just going to leave it at that. Thank you.

Yeah, absolutely. What a performance. Holy shit. Welcome to the show. Derek, how do you say that last name? Kopezawa. Kopezawa. Okay. Super Polish. I love it. I love it. You are one of the funniest women we've ever had on the show.

Thank you. It is incredible. I think we all know what I'm about to make fun of here. And the elephant in the room is those jeans shorts, my friend. Wow. I mean, everything that you could have done. Those things. Holy shit. I knew I might have the jog, which I did, so I was very prepared. Absolutely. You are one of the funniest Mr. Potato Heads we've ever had on the history of the show.

I like your style. You're like, Phillip, eat more Hoffman. Hell yeah. That should have been a backlight. There you go. There you go. There you go. Cock cheese. These guys take a nap. The lighting guys take a naps back there. I love it.

Derek, hilarious. How long have you been on stand up? 12 years. I love it. Long time to have depression. I love it. I love it when actual, you know, veteran comedians sign up for the show. It shows your stage presence is amazing. Appreciate it, man. Everything's fucking dialed in. You've been doing it here in Texas the whole time?

I've been here about seven years. Okay. Started in Mississippi. Hell yeah. The worst five years of my life. This is Austin for you. He looked like me when he got here seven years ago. This is what happens when there's too much brisket in the basket.

Oh yeah. All about the torches. Derek, what are some of your favorite meals? What goes on here? Local reference. Exactly. What does a human have to do to become that exact shape? Oh. Do you only eat at four AM exclusively?

That's actually the only time I'm not eating pussy. Okay. I love it. You say pussy? You eat pussy? You have the haircut of a lesbian. I believe it. I love it.

Wow. I didn't know pussy had calories in it now. That's incredible. Eating that fucking protein puss, dude. Some of those fucking vegan cheese steaks. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Call back.

I love it. Tell us more about you, Derek. How do you make money? I'm in sales. Okay. What are you selling exactly? Ice cream. I sell lean rights management software to construction suppliers and subcontractors.

Jesus Christ. My God. I'm not that smart. Don't worry. Okay. All right. Do you like your job? Thank you.

Do what? You like your job? I like it better than delivering pizzas. I did that for five years and it was much better. Hell yeah. Especially hard to do when you arrive with no pizza. I mean, come on. Let's face the facts here.

Especially when my gut keeps shifting and the wrong gear. I think we found out how you lost that job, my friend. Wow. Incredible. Five years of delivering pizzas. What do you like to do for fun? What else are you into? You seem like a...

I like to play video games. Okay. All right. I believe that. Kirby. I like to... I like to go to dance shows. Hell yeah.

I got to burn this off on drugs somehow. Right. Video games. What video games do you like? Sonic the restaurant? That's extra points because of the Sonic reference earlier. That was actually brilliant. It actually would have worked better if there wasn't a Sonic reference earlier.

I'm like really into Metroid. Okay. All right. Do you consider yourself a Metroid sexual? I don't even know what any of this means. That's so good. I'm going to identify that from now on. Derek, you said that you eat tons of pussy.

Is that really true? You have a girlfriend or something? I have a wife. How many calories are in pussy? He eats the whole thing. With each other long enough, you find new ways to eat it. How long have you been married for? About a year and a half.

About a year and a half. All right. Very lovely. What does she do? She's also in sales, but she works primarily from home. Okay. Yeah. Primarily from home because I'd imagine after you're on top of her, it's hard to leave.

Oh yeah. It's pretty much just working right from bed. I'm going to work from home today because my body is broken. She used to be in roller derby so she can almost bench me. Okay. Hell yeah. Fellas, get a woman that could take you. It's so much better.

Wow. I love roller derby in this town because it cuts down on all the crappy girl bands that would be around otherwise. Gives them something else to do. Oh my God. I'm liking Jamiroquai showing up. Thanks. I mean, it was a choice.

I mean, it's not like I left the house. It's like I don't... Derek, you're a beautiful man. I appreciate it. Do you ever float on the lake? You've lived here seven years. You have an inner tube built into your body. I'm wondering if...

Oh, you know what? You guys shut the fuck up. He's signed up for it. He's been doing it 12 years. He's literally a big boy. He can handle this. He's fucking pussies now. I know.

Grow up, Libs. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Derek. Wrecking ball? Red Band played wrecking ball for you. That's fucking tight. Hell yeah.

That's just me bumping into anything. Wow. Which is what I call existence. I was kind of born in the way. I love it. So it is genetic. Your family a bigger family? You got siblings big and everything?

Big Catholic. I'm just the biggest one. Big and Catholic? Like they are huge Catholics. Okay. Like a bunch of too many people. All right. I would have guessed you as the one that like the bread and wine the most.

I did. Yeah. It was wheat though, so it was okay. All right. I love it. What else about your life? Do you have any special skills or talents other than video games and stand-up comedy? Not really.

I'm useless. Okay. No, I think you're a very special, very funny man. I appreciate it, man. Yeah. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. I would love to do it, man. Thank you.

Are we good? Have you worked, have you gone on the road? You said you've been doing comedy for 12 years. Have you like gone on the road at all? Yeah. I've yelled at people in movie theaters. Is that true? Have you really?

Yeah. Shut the hell up. It's a movie. Right. But yeah, I've gone to like bars in New Orleans, Pensacola, Florida and stuff, but nothing big. Okay. That whole region that I grew up doesn't really have clubs or any like big shows like this.

So that's why I moved to Texas in the first place. No city has big shows like this, Derek. You can go to LA and New York and have fun pulling out your vaccine passport and maybe you'll get into the spread out mask wearing fucking bullshit. Here, I mean, have you had the coronavirus because you seem highest risk ever? Have you had it? I actually did not get it. Wow.

Look at you. I was in the service industry. I was around so many people for a year straight. No masks and I did not get it. I was like so shocked. Absolutely incredible. Well, Derek, I think you're going to, I think you're going to really flourish in this city or a funny man.

You have a great look. You have a great attitude. Come back again sometime. Awesome. Thank you. There goes Derek. Here's a big joke book from the Great Bones Eye. That's real Texas leather right there.

Let's do it. Yeah. All right. Amazing. The bucket rewards us with another local legend here. But you guys think we should do one more special treat right now? Huh? All right.

This next comedian, one of the very rare golden ticket winners in the history of the show, which means we completely fell in love with this human. His first, second and third time on the show and now he gets to go up anytime he wants, anytime he's in town. He's escaping Canada right now to be here with you. This is Jared Nathan. I have three levels of speech, stutter, robot and whisper. Two of them, I can't speak clearly, but all three makes people uncomfortable.

I hate that. I always, he calls the R-word. How can I be racist? I'm retarded. God damn. God damn it. What a fucking stud. Look at you.

Just absolutely killing. Perhaps the set of the night, which goes to show how crazy stand-up comedy is, is that... What a wild art form and the retarded guy does better than everybody else. You know what I mean? Pretty wild. Pretty wild stuff. I love it, Jared. How do you feel right now?

I feel fucking amazing. Incredible work. I mean you absolutely did it. What else? What's going on? I love this. How's Austin treating you? You're you?

Yeah. Uh-huh. How's Austin treating you? You absolutely love it here. I love Austin. You're escaping Canada right now. Yeah. And you are just on the run.

Yeah, I'm having a lot of fun on the run, you know? Yeah. What have you been doing for fun? Anything in particular? Anything new or different? You find anything new about the city this week? Walked around Lake Austin. Okay.

You walked around the lake. Okay. Is he on your arms or anything like that? Just in case? Helmet? A little slip or something like that? Helmet? I can swim.

You can swim? Yeah. Oh, shit. I swam for special motherfucking special Olympics for five years. I have no idea. I can't believe you guys understand what he said. Yo! Yo!

Hey, can you whisper it for Tony? Can you whisper what you just said to Tony? Go, Karen. I'm going to whisper doing this right now. Oh, shit. Yo, can you whisper? Yo, I'm getting louder. Yeah, I'm going to flow.

I'm in Austin. Yo, fuck you on, too. Here we go again. I'm not phony. Every week, yo, I'm killing fucking Tony! Yeah! Wow. Jesus Christ, Jared.

If I would have known you were going to do this tonight, I would have put you at the end of the show. How are we supposed to follow this with anything? I have to go back to the bucket after this. After this fucking super underdog has the night of his life in front of everybody. I mean, Jesus Christ, Jared. You're a tough act to follow. What's your, what's your, what else?

You went to the lake. Anything else happening? What else is going on in the world? How has your life changed since being on the show and becoming what they call kill Tony Thomas? People recognize me places? Oh, yeah. And I bet when you start talking, they're like, yes, it is.

Okay. Are you Jared Nathan from kill Tony? Yeah. Got it. I love it. They recognize you. Yeah. Like out in public, right?

At coffee shops and whatnot. Yeah. Everywhere. All the way down the street. Yeah. Yeah. I love it, Jared. Tell us something about your life that we, that we don't know.

Tell us something interesting, maybe about your childhood or something like that. I took toast and masters. You took toast and the masters. I took toast and masters public speaking. The public speaking course. You took a public speaking course? Yeah. Wow.

Oh my God. I feel bad for that professor. She knows what I'm talking about. Oh, is she retarded too? That's so cool. I love it. She knows what you're talking about. Oh, she's offended.

Oh my God. We're all the same sort of bus. Frowny face over here. You better start smiling or else I'm going to beat you an arm wrestling lady. I'm telling you right now. You better relax. Don't make me embarrass you in front of my audience. Jared Nathan's the only guy that can beat me an arm wrestling here.

Look at that fucking, that fucking, that thing never uses a pen or pencil. Look at that fucking, the strength of that hand. Do you want to know something about me or? Yeah. I'm adopted. You're adopted? Yeah. Wow.

Damn. Did your parents try to send you back when they got you? Honey, honey, did you save the receipt? I told you not to. I told you not to. I told you not to. Did you save the receipt? I told you not to get refurbished.

I think this thing's broken. God damn delivery guy broke it right out of the box. I love it. You got adopted. You love your parents, huh? Yeah. And they stuck with you. Because in Canada, you're actually one of the smartest people in Canada right now.

It's actually what's happening. I'm smarter than a prime minister. What? I am smarter than a prime minister. You're goddamn right. You are smarter than the prime minister. That's why I call you Justin True Derp. God.

All right. Jared, I know you're staying here for a couple more weeks. I'm so excited that you're in town. I love the fact that you're escaping Canada and down here hanging out with us, living your dreams because there's nothing like this going on there at all. And I would love to have you on the secret show again also Thursday. Wow. What a run.

There he goes. Jared Nathan, everybody. Jared, put that mic stand back up there. Jared, Jared, put that where you got it. There you go. Point the mic towards the... All right, whatever, dude. Sometimes I forget.

He's a little special. I'm like, who leaves the mic stand like that? There's a yellow mark on it. What are you fucking... All right. I'm very excited about this. I'm very, very excited about this because like I said, that is a tough act to follow. However, the name I just pulled out really has a chance at this.

One of our favorite people here in Austin. This is another new minute from Molly Vivant, everybody. Another... Here we go. Here she comes. It's a long walk. It's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh?

Come on, guys. Put your hands together one more time for Molly Vivant. I've gained some weight recently. And I think that can be a good thing, you know? Because I'm probably not going to get drugged at a bar. And if I do, the dosage won't be right. Sometimes the weight gain is a little annoying though. I feel like I'm being treated like a toddler all the time.

You know, like people keep saying things to me like, you're a big girl now. Then I cry and shit myself. I'm being treated like a toddler. Like when I fuck my boyfriend, I just want to be picked up. And he's just like, you know you're too big for that now. I mean, Jesus Christ. What a performance.

What a run. This is like a special episode of Kill Tony where everybody's doing okay. This is good. Molly, that was great. Thank you. An absolute fucking homerun filled set from you as always. So charismatic, so likable. I always say one of my favorite top young rising comedians about you.

So let's talk about it. I love the joke about getting drugged at a bar. What kind of bars do you go to? I know it's not salad bars. I don't know, Ruby Tuesday's salad bar, I'll fuck it up. Really? Oh shit. What do they got at Ruby Tuesdays that you're into?

What do they got like bacon strips or something like that? Yeah, it goes on the salad. I love it. Yeah, it's great. I love it. Molly, welcome back. Molly famously always kills. She is a famous porn star.

This is a brazzers porn star. Look at the ladies. I'll lose respect for her immediately. It's really, really interesting. The guys get dreamy eyed and the girls are like fuck this bitch. I love it. They are jealous of you. They're like how the fuck and the answer is simple.

Those tits don't. I mean just unreal. What a specimen you are, Molly. I mean it is quite incredible. We have famously weighed her boobs on this show before. We've done a lot of weird experiments. We've poked. We've prodded.

We've subscribed to her only fans. Well, there you go. Red fan. Uh oh. Molly, how's life been going for you? Tell us something interesting. Something cool happened last week. I sacrificed a virgin.

Whoa. You took a boy's virginity? Yeah, I did. Oh my god. That's not even right. That's not even right. That poor boy. Holy shit.

How long did he last? I made him a man. Yeah, you did. That's crazy. He went from being a virgin to having herpes his first time. That's not easy to do. All in one shot. How long did he last?

Was it really quick? Over an hour. He lasted over an hour? Oh my god. That's incredible. Did he have the zipper rubbing against his penis? Oh, you got the lights. Look at that.

Ditchy. No, he had a giant dong. Oh, okay. I think giant dong went up first in tonight's show. He tried to cancel you, Tony. Not what I heard. I love it. So he had a giant dong.

So his dong's huge. Your boobs are out. You guys are fucking anything weird happened during the sexual experience? Was there anything that stood out to you? Well, he bought the biggest condoms he thought he could find, but it broke and it looked like a little cock ring in the middle of his giant dick. Wow.

And so I had to pull it off. How giant are we talking about? I had to put it on because he didn't know how. Brendan has a good question. He wants to know exactly how giant are we talking about. Can you show us with your hands or something? Whoa. Oh my god.

That's the thickness. Are you serious? Yeah. I couldn't get my hands around it. Wow. Now all the women really hate you. Sorry. Holy shit.

We're talking a white guy or? The white, the whitest that it could be a ginger. Wow. Damn. Now when he came to like a dust come out or like that hard part from easy cheese. Why would dust come out? I don't know.

You literally don't know? You literally don't know why? Do you think my joke is really serious? But why would dust come out? Because he's a virgin. Oh. Because he's a virgin dust would come out. Yes.

Not the most amount of come but dust. Yeah. According to. Or like the hard part of easy cheese. The man comes a lot. The man comes a lot. It's fine. I love it.

So you took a boy's virginity. Yeah. That's exciting. Did it seem like he was a virgin? Do you think maybe he lied to you? No. He definitely didn't lie. He definitely didn't lie.

Did you talk dirty even though it was first time? No. Not really. No. Yeah. It was pretty obvious that he was a virgin. But it's teachable. I'm excited.

How old are we talking about? How old is this boy? Brandon's asking good questions. He's 22. Whoa. My experience with guys with huge dicks. And I have a lot of experience. No.

But I had a friend, a guy, Adam, who I grew up with. Who had a giant like the 14 inch cock. And he got a girl pregnant when he was 14. Like that's, guys with giant dicks are constantly, me and my friend Jerry pulled up next to, he's standing on the street corner. We pulled up next to him in the car and we're like, what the fuck?

Adam, Adam, turn around. He turns around. He's got his dick out. He starts beating the hood of the car with it. Wow. He would put it in a hoagie roll and walk down the avenue with mustard on it and offer it to ladies. My point is, guys with dicks.

I'd rather eat that hoagie than one of the vegan Philly cheese sticks, by the way. I would proudly take an Adam dick hoagie over. My point is that guys with giant dicks generally don't keep them in their pants ever and start fucking people when they're like 11 years old. In my experience, kind of, I would say, usually big dick guys are like, stupid and not good at things. But this guy is smart and good at things. So it's kind of cool.

Wow. That's incredible. So you think there's something there? You think you're going to hang out with him more? Yeah, probably. I mean, like one of the most famous porn stars that I've worked with can't read. I will not say his name. He can't read?

You're kidding. No. Is it Jared Nathan? Jared can read. Fuck yes. How else would he read all the dirty messages I text him sometimes, you know? I love it. We've had two stories where one 22-year-old went for an hour and one 19-year-old went

for a half an hour. And I just could never do that shit at that age. Yeah. You know? Yeah, no, it's almost impossible at that age. That's incredible. I'm guessing the last an hour he must have been on bottom. You know what it probably is.

We didn't... I'm sorry. No, it's okay. You're good. We didn't grow up with free unlimited pornography. Yeah. So, like, he probably jacked off 11 times before you even got together. Yeah, he's been training his whole life.

Yeah. His little Gen Z life. He's just been training. I love it. Gen Z is what? Your bra size? Yes. All right.

Molly, always unbelievably incredible. I mean, interviews, the set, always. You are just absolutely perfect. Please keep coming back. We want to see another new minute. Here goes Molly Vivant, everybody. All right. What time do we start?

8.20? Should we go to this bucket one more time, huh? All right, but this is it. This is it. How about one more time for Molly, everybody? Okay. Your final comedian out of the buckets tonight goes by the name of Chris Reeves, everyone. Chris Reeves.

Let's get it on. Here he is. Come on. Make some noise one more time for Chris, everybody. Thank you so much. Oh, my God. It's so great to be here in Austin. Does anybody recognize my name?

Christopher Reeves. Yeah. They named me after the actor that played Superman in the 80s. He didn't have a lot in common. He was paralyzed from the waist down, couldn't feel anything. So he had to blow through a straw to get around. And in order for me to feel anything, I had to do a bunch of blow through a straw. So we're kind of similar.

I related a lot more with Spider-Man, though. You know, Peter Parker, super sensitive. Love Mary Jane, shooting webs across our rooms. Sticky hands. Yeah, I was an emo kid in high school. I listened to Dashboard Confessional until my guy liners stayed in my girl jeans. This girl the other day, she was making fun of my bald spots. She called me hair starting to fall out, boy.

That hurt. That hurt. But y'all remember that song, hair starting to fall out, boy, saying, I'm bending down. Wow, there you go. A minute, 15 seconds. That's what it takes to bring the bear out. Chris, welcome.

How are you? Is this your first time on the show? This is. Yes. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? About a year and a half. Okay. All of it here in Austin?

No, I'm from Nashville. I just came to check out the scene. Oh, cool. How long are you visiting for? Until Thursday. All right. And when did you get here? Today.

I just flew and I got about 3 p.m. today. Very cool. Okay. So you got in at 3 p.m. What are you planning on doing while here in Austin? What are you excited about? Well, I'm mainly just checking out the comedy scene. I'm going to go to all the open mics I can and maybe check out some nature,

go on a hike or something like that, boy. Okay. Do some mushrooms. How old are you? You look like you'd be about some 41. That's nice. I like that. Okay.

That's good. Stop. Stop, y'all. I love it. So a year and a half. How do you make money? What do you do for work? What type of a thing are you driving exactly?

Well, I'm an IT guy. Oh, wow, really? Oh, shit. You're one of them clowns from the Sewers? You biting off little brother's arms and shit? It's one of my tea clowns. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

You're an IT guy. Okay. That was a real spit take. Sorry, I'm sorry. Wow. What exactly do you do? Desktop support. I just fix people's email and shit.

Okay. How'd you learn how to do that? Well, I was a kid and the internet came out and I looked at a lot of porn and play video games. So you just figure everything out from doing that. Perfect. What do you do for fun? I'm an IT guy that sits in the lobby of a tattoo shop and just chill sometimes.

Well, for fun, I just tell jokes and smoke weed. Yeah. You don't have any other hobbies, like shoot guns or golf or anything? Sometimes I pay strippers 40 bucks to listen to me talk about NFTs for three minutes. Wow. Damn. 40 bucks for three minutes. What a ripoff.

You should go to the yellow rows or the red rows. They'll take care of you for much better. Get more for your money. I love it. Nobody has been able to successfully explain NFTs to anyone ever in the history of them. So what exactly do you say to these strippers? They're like money laundering. I say I'm sorry I usually last longer.

I love it. Do you have a girlfriend, Chris? No. No. You're just out there being single in Nashville? Yeah, I'm retired from dating. Okay. Why?

What happened? Scar tissue. No, girls don't like me. Oh, come on. Nobody believes that. You got that little fucking cupid head. They don't respect me. Right.

Why is that? Why don't they respect you? Because he doesn't fucking change out of his pajamas before he leaves the fucking house. Those are legit pajamas you're wearing. I mean, truly. I mean, you flew in today. I guess that gives you a little bit of slack. I didn't bring my suit.

All right. Chris, anything else interesting about your life we should know about before we let you go? I was a Chinese linguist in the Air Force. Really? You know how to speak Chinese? A little bit. Do you know how to say I'll never apologize? Oh shit.

There's an Asian lady mad at me right there. I didn't even see you until right then. I'm sorry. Oh shit. She's giving me the evil eyes. Oh, Taiwan. Okay. Then you know what I'm talking about with these people.

You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Nobody hates the Chinese more than Taiwan. Everybody knows that. You don't speak in Taiwan. That's incredible. I love it. So you were in the military?

Yeah, the Air Force. Wow. Incredible. When did you have to use your Chinese linguist skills? Under what conditions? I can't really talk about it. Top secret. I love it.

Yeah, you can't. Shut the fuck up. What would have to happen? You're going into Chinese airspace and you'd be like... Yeah, well, I don't know if you remember when that plane was captured by China? Yeah. It was kind of like that job. So that was you?

No, no, that was before me. All right. All right. Well, I mean, I love it. Can you speak a little Chinese? Can you say something? Maybe a full sentence or something like that? Okay, red band.

Put that instrument away. What is that even called? What is that? The Erru? No, I got on a wish. No. No, you can't do that. That's racist, red band.

That's racist against Chinese people. It's actually very... They love it over there. Can you speak a little Chinese for us? Okay. Jean... Jean Moja, hey. Jean Giorgiatur.

That means if you stand next to ink, you'll turn black. If you stand next to crimson, you'll turn red. It means you are the company you keep. Hold on. Say it one more time. In English or Chinese? No, Chinese. Jean Moja, hey.

Jean Giorgiatur. Wow. Sounds like Jared Nathan. I mean, that's incredible. Chris, great set. Fun times. Great energy. Thanks for coming.

Here's a big joke book. Take one of those. Have fun. Enjoy yourselves. There goes Chris Reeves. You guys ready to put a big ribbon on this thing, huh? Well, well, well. There's only one way to end an episode like this, and that is with a goddamn ringer.

This young man is going with me this weekend to do sold out shows and theaters in Michigan. He's been opening for Rogan regularly, headlining all around the country. This is the longest standing regular in the history of the show. Here with a brand new minute for you. Here, right now, this is the big red machine, William Montgomery. Woo-hoo. Shut the fuck up. What's already going on?

William. If y'all found out Apex Twin threw a bunch of bitcoins in the ocean, you'd all be like, he's such a genius. I got a bunch more Apex Twin jokes. I've been doing it three weeks in a row now, in case y'all didn't realize. Before I got on stage, I saw images of explosions along the Ukrainian border. Oh wait, no, that was just your brain after listening to an Apex Twin mixtape. Neil Young's protest of Joe Rogan was such a complete failure that he was quietly snuck back on to Spotify.

Thank God, I can't wait to listen to Cracklin' Rosie. That's a Neil Diamond song, for those that don't know. In boxing news, Alex Jones is considering fighting Logan Paul. His finishing move is the Sandy Hook. The Biden administration has appointed a man who sodomizes other men dressed up as dogs to be their nuclear waste expert. You should never judge a book by its cover, but the cover of this book is a man banging a dog. Wow, did it again. An unstoppable force, the great William Montgomery with another new minute and 15 seconds of stand-up comedy.

So nice to be here, I bought this get-up on eBay and they specifically said it matches the sweatshirt as a shade fucking darker than the sweatpants. I feel like a fucking idiot. I'm walking around like this, a fucking sweatshirt is a shade darker than the fucking sweatpants. I feel like a fucking idiot. What do you want to do to those people that lied to you on eBay? Well, I've already sent them, I've actually been messing around making these things, I guess people call them pipe bombs. I have a special delivery for a man in India. It's like an explosion, like he'll open up the box and it's supposed to blow up in his fucking face. So we'll see how it goes.

I don't know if you all noticed, but the fucking sweatshirt is a shade darker than my fucking sweatpants. I feel like a fucking idiot. The sweatpants are a shade lighter than my fucking sweatshirt. I spent $2,000 on this fucking get-up. I feel like a fucking idiot. How stupid do you feel exactly? Like a fucking idiot. I got a step in here. Eddie Murphy on Delirious. His red jacket is way more red than his red leather pants.

So I think you're in good company. I don't fucking even know what that means. Oh, it wasn't matching. Oh, that's what you mean. Oh, it wasn't matching correctly is what you're saying. Yeah, that's what you're talking about, Ryan. Okay, I get it. You're talking about the top is darker than the bottom, right? Yeah, it doesn't match. Okay, I understand what you said.

Okay, because that's kind of what I'm doing. And you said Eddie Murphy has the same deal. I get what you said. Okay, I'm trying to help you out. I know. Thank you. I do appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. I'm sorry. I've started working out. I did 70 fucking 70 floors on the Stairmaster earlier.

And I had to get off because I got dizzy and my chest started tightening up. Oh, that's right. That's a true story. I thought I was having a heart attack. Oh, yeah, you got vaccinated. You're the only cast member that's vaccinated on the entire show. Am I correct? Do you think it has something to do with that? I was on the Stairmaster for 70 fucking floors today. That's a lot.

I have no I want this episode to say on Spotify. So I'm going to say no, it totally doesn't have anything that your chest pains have nothing to do with that barely experimented vaccine. I mean, they made it four months. I'm sure it's fucking perfect. It's great. I hope it has nothing to do with it. Yeah, no, no way. Do you really think it has something to do with chest pains before when working out during the before you had the vaccine right back when you used to cycle a lot?

I've never had chest pains like this. Never. Oh, wow, that's crazy. So the first times that you're working out since taking the vaccine, you're getting dizzy and having chest pains. And now my chest are, fuck, I didn't put together those things. I didn't put that together. Wow. At least you're safe.

At least you're safe from whatever. I love it. Write a letter to Bill Gates or whatever and ask him. What about Bill Gates? Doesn't he have something to do with the vaccine? Write a letter and just say, hey, is these vaccines safe and effective or not? Be real. Okay, I'll write him a letter.

I'll write him a letter. So William, you have two unregistered guns. What have you been doing with those since last week, since we saw you last? I have started doing this fun thing. I shoot the, I get up on the roof of my apartment and I shoot them up in the air and I try to time it or do it right so the bullets fall down and hit the roof, but I'm able to avoid them. So you try to shoot so straight up in the air that the bullet actually lands on the roof?

Yeah, really close to me. Does it ever hit you? No, it hasn't yet. Wow. You have to be a really good shot. I don't know if you understand how difficult that is. I shoot them up in the fucking air and they fall around me up on the roof. How happy does it make you when you're doing that?

It's pretty fucking exciting. I've had kind of a rough fucking week, so it's been... What's so rough about it other than the famous shirt being darker than the pants? What else? Well, that's been a real nightmare. Why is that fucking funny? What the fuck is going on up here? Am I in the fucking toilet?

And what's up with your fucking laugh? I just hear you cackling down there. Oh my goodness. Wow. Holy shit! Be nice to him. Do you hear this guy? I do, I do.

Very distracting. William, be nice. That's a famous local rapper the weekday. Thank you to my black friends. They all like that joke. Thank you, represent. I was born and raised in an all-black neighborhood. I'm friends with Snoop Dogg.

We FaceTime once a week, no big deal. It's just the kind of... I'm friends with D-Madness. I don't know if y'all know this. All right, William, you are an absolute star. Anything else we need to know about? Anything you're passionate about this week? Shut the fuck up!

Someone yelled raisin, Brad. Yeah, whoever fucking said that knows that I was just lying to everybody. I don't fucking eat raisin, Brad. I never fucking did. I was lying to everyone and everybody fucking bought it. Everyone fucking believed me and I was fucking lying to everyone. Wow.

How does it make you feel when you lie to everybody? Fucking just excited, pumped. I love lying to people. What else do you lie about? Oh my god, what else do I lie about? Okay. What else do I lie about? Yeah.

It's a tough question. What else do I lie about? Yeah. Seriously? Yeah, I want to know. Why are you shaking your head, Redbean, you dumbass? You look dumber than ever over there. Redbean.

Redbean. With your little arms crossed across your giant gut like that? You look like a real dumbass tonight. No, you be nice to him. Look at him. He has a vitamin. Redbean, I was kidding. He has a vitamin D deficiency, William.

Be nice to him. Redbean, I was kidding. Redbean, seriously, I was kidding. Why are you acting sad? Why don't you guys, why don't you guys... Oh, I've never seen, I've never seen Redbean. Dude, I was kidding. Redbean.

Redbean, you know I love you, man. You know I was kidding. Please look at me, Redbean. Redbean, look at me. You wouldn't like Redbean when he's angry. Redbean's eyes are watering right now. They are... Redbean, I was kidding, dude.

It is incredible. Is there a tear? Let me turn your head. Oh, my God. Wow. There's an actual tear. Stop. This is the first time Redbean's ever lost water weight, everybody.

It's exciting. This is how Redbean diets. The Criot. Redbean, seriously, I was kidding, dude. Stop. Redbean is, for those of you just listening to the podcast, for the first time in the show's history, he is legitimately crying right now.

He is fully committed like an artist. I like to think that he's thinking about perhaps the coming dust joke that he made earlier about the version that that's how he references these tears. That's William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. And again, another unbelievably fun episode of Kill Tony. Listen to the World Record Pod, the world's funniest podcast. How about a hand for Brendan and Walsh?

The Full Charge Power Hour. Follow him everywhere on social media at The Full Charge. It's Matt Fultron, everybody. Thank you. How about a hand for the band, everybody? That's the Kill Tony, screwball, peanut butter whiskey, Kill Tony band, the great man mulling on guitar, Michael Gonzalez on drums, and D-Madness on the bass.

That's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel, who drew tonight's episode, every print available at RyanJEbel.com. Thank you to this live audience for being here. Very fun episode tonight. There's merch over in the corner, and the official after party starts now. You can unlock your phones and hang out, drink more.

Thank y'all. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.