KILL TONY - #549 - TOM PAPA

Episode Date: March 18, 2022

Tom Papa, William Montgomery, Ellis Aych, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/07/2022.  –THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—Created by and starring Jak Knight, Langston Kerman, Sam Jay and Chris Redd, Bust Down isinspired by the crew’s real-life chemistry, conversations, and friendship. The result is anirreverent, offbeat, unpredictable swirl of hijinks and absurdity. Bust Down is streaming now, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirts, hats, everything at shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist, he draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Are we doing this shit tonight or what? Oh boy. Hey look, it's Brian Redban everybody.

That guy invented podcasting. You're a Kill Tony, sponsored by the Red Rows and the Yellow Rows, the two best strip clubs in the world. Guys, how about a hand for that band that you just saw perform? That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Dees on the keys. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. And this of course is our best friend in the world. Fresh off of 50th birthday, D-Badness is here everybody.

On the motherfucking bass. This is Kill Tony brought to you by Red Rows, Yellow Rows, White Claw and Red Bull. Look at all those different colors on our sponsorships. What the fuck's up with that? I just noticed that right now. Red Rows, Yellow Rows, White Claw, Red Bull. And also the W Hotel where now you can stay with a discount on Sunday and Monday nights by using the code word Kill Tony at check-in. Save 25% off the W Hotel here in Austin, the newest sponsor of Kill Tony.

Also shout out to CM Smokehouse and here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you right now. And maybe I'll give you a high five or I'll spit in your mouth or something. Hey y'all, you've heard us say it before. We're here to tell you again. Get Liquid IV. Absolutely try it. It's the coolest thing in the world. I've been golfing today, had a Liquid IV, made me feel good, completely refreshed. I've been doing a lot of fucking exercise lately. I don't want to get too much into it, but I've been going hard in the paint.

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You know, you can take the kid out of Gary, Indiana, but why would you? In Bust Down, Peacock's new original comedy series, four friends working at a Midwestern casino are aspiring to be mostly where they are. Created by and starring Jack Knight, Langston Kerman, Sam Jay, and Chris Red. Bust Down is inspired by the crew's real-life chemistry, conversations, and friendship. The result is in a reverent, offbeat, unpredictable swirl of hijinks and absurdity. We know these guys. I've worked with Jack, Langston, Sam, and Chris literally for over a decade. I mean, they're the best. I'm so happy about this opportunity for them.

And the show seems great. You know what it's about, Red Van? Yeah, the friends navigate obstacles and opportunities in and out of the workplace, including but not limited to climbing a very short career ladder, fending off horny church ladies, and hiding from your best friend during a fistfight at the fondue factory. Oh my goodness. In a moment where everyone has something to say, the four friends relish saying not much of anything, or alternatively, the dumbest thing possible. Look, these are our funny friends. Check it out. Bust Down is streaming now, only on Peacock. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

All right. Beautiful. We have the great Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. The brand new Volume 3 Kill Tony the Artwork book is available now at RyanJEbel.com. And yeah, tonight's guests, ladies and gentlemen, we always have one of the funniest people in the world on this week. No different. I'm so excited about this. It's his first time as a guest on the show. I've been trying to get him to do this for years. Comedy store paid regular. Legendary comedian. One of my favorites, Tom Papa, everybody.

Wow. Fuck yes. The great Tom Papa, everyone. He's here. Live in the flesh. Hell yeah. My man, Tom Papa's on tour. Tickets available at TomPapa.com. Make sure you see him when he comes to his town. But right now, he's in Austin, Texas.

Austin, are you excited about Tom being here, everybody? We're going to watch stand-up comedians try their hardest tonight, Tom. I'm very excited. We're going to do this shit. You're a veteran of the game. You know what's going on, so I'm excited to have this show with you. What's wrong with the lights? This is a special lighting change. Sexy in Austin.

There it is. Hell yeah. So you guys know how it works. There's a few regulars that do a new 60 seconds every week and also a bunch of comedians and maybe you in the audience signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds. If I pull their name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up there

or else they're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. And then immediately after their set, I interview them and ask them about their lives. We find out more about them. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? This is it. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, getting things started tonight for us,

as always, instead of going to this bucket and having there be an opportunity where someone just comes up here and bombs and freaks us all out too much. Instead, I like to start the show with somebody who consistently kills. He was the newest regular on this show, just got passed a few months ago here and has been opening for me and Joe Rogan ever since. Here with the brand new minute, it's Hans Kim, everyone.

Here we go. I'm sad that the pandemic is over. I love wearing my mask because I'm a liberal and I love smelling my own fear. It turns me on sexually. Oh, yeah. I love being a kill Tony regular. It gives me a certain level of power that I use to try to get laid.

But it hasn't been really working out for me. I've been making a lot of friends. It really makes me respect Harvey Weinstein more. He made it look easy. I've been trying to cut down on porn. I think porn is unhealthy because it creates an unrealistic expectation of women. It shows them saying yes and having fun. Experiencing pleasure.

Thank you. Wow, Hans Kim, every week you make this look so easy. Bang, bang, bang. New joke, new joke, new joke. All on you. It's kind of hard. No, it's good, but you've been doing your homework. Yeah, I love homework.

I know you do. You are a master of the art. Is this all true? Have you been cutting back on porn? I tried Tuesday. You tried to cut down on porn on Tuesday? How long did you last? About 36 hours. Wow, look at that.

And when you finally went back to porn, what kind of porn do you like to look into? Do you like Asian women or white girls? Yeah, I love it. Just everything. They're all pretty good. It's very inclusive art form porn. I watch this Japanese massage porn where they do the armpits. Explain to me exactly what the fuck you're talking about.

You said that we all know. It's like your home page when you get a new iPhone or something like that. I have no idea what you're talking about. Yeah, D-Manus has a hell of an imagination now. That's the thing. So these women slash victims, they go to a massage parlor, and then the masseuse starts concentrating on their armpits, and it's kind of annoying and weird,

and then they start working on their vaginas after that. Wait, Tom... It's so weird how you go from liking someone so much to wanting to get her out of the same room as him. So he changed my vision of him in less than a minute. The jokes were, I was like, holy shit, and now I'm like, holy shit. Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Tom. Wow. So Hans, what else has been happening this week in your normal life?

You always have interesting stuff happening, other than trying to hold back on porn for a bit. What else happened? I put on Instagram that I was throwing a house party, and then all these people DM'd me for the address, and then I just gave it to them. Wow. So stupid. You say it like you weren't planning on having a house party. Did you have the address on the original post?

I said DM'd me for the address. But then the people in the comments all started posting the address, by the way, I saw. No, they did it. So did you have a house party? Yes, I had a good time. A bunch of dudes came over. Wow. Watch some arm pit porn. My goodness. So what do you guys do?

You and the dudes that came over. We watched the UFC. It was on Saturday. We did some karaoke. We lit a campfire. Wow. UFC, huh? You're like, wow, there's a bunch of dudes here. How do we get more dudes here? Let's get some dudes barely wearing anything, wrestling with one another in the mix. And how do we get them to leave? Karaoke.

What do you sing for karaoke that night? Mulan. I'll make a man out of you. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Not only did you make girls' pussies dry up right then. You also made their arm pits dry up. My goodness, Hans. So you sang karaoke.

Was there any females there at all? There were like seven. Wow. Goodness. And then you just were friend-zoned all night? Is that the story? Yeah. There was one time when I took a girl upstairs,

and then I showed her around, and then we went downstairs. Oh, wow. There was nothing to that story whatsoever. I'm like, here comes something. Absolutely nothing. We went upstairs. We went downstairs. This is a half bath. This is a closet. Did you show her all the rooms? Yeah. What was she saying that made you feel like you weren't succeeding

in your maneuvers? Was she just like, oh, okay, where's the party at? She was like, wow, it's so dark in here. You need more lights. Hell, yeah. Given fucking Martha Stewart at Torrey or Plays. I like this. She's designing the house. She was having a good time. She left.

And then there were six. Hans, I absolutely love you. Every single week you come out, you get the party started with a brand new minute. You're the man. We love you so much. How about a hand for Hans? Thank you. All right, now we go to the bucket where anything could happen.

Could be a homeless person. Could be a local legend. Anything can happen, starting right now. And your first comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Chris Keen. Everyone, 60 seconds uninterrupted. We're going to Chris Keen. Chris Keen. Oh, there he is. Here's Chris Keen, everybody. One more time for Chris.

Thanks, guys. Nice to be here. I've been working a lot. I work in customer service. Everyone I work with is angry. They get to wear a mask to work. It doesn't bother me, man. I've been wearing a mask to work for years. It's called a smile.

I've been trying to find a new job. It's tough, man. A lot of people worry about illegal immigrants stealing our jobs, but I think it's the rock stars. Every Craigslist job ads looking for rock star waiter, rock star janitor. I got to sell 10 million records to take out the trash. I even saw an ad looking for a rock star maid. Ah, yes, just like my idol, Bruce Springclean. I always want to be a rock star in high school, man.

In my high school, everyone had a nickname in my high school. There was this super popular kid named Jack Morris, so everyone called him J-mo. Then there was this other kid named Tim McCarthy, and everyone called him Timmy Mack. Yeah, what's up, Timmy Mack. And I'm Chris Keen, so everyone called me Fag. Thanks, guys.

There you go, Chris Keen with a little F-bomb there at the end. How are you, Chris? Good, how are you, man? What are you? You're an interesting looking guy. You know that? What ethnicity are you? I can't figure you out. You look like Robert Downey Jr. I'm Armenian.

Armenian? Oh, look at you. All right. I haven't seen one of y'all since I left Los Angeles. This is wild. Hell yeah. What are you doing in Austin? I just moved here from Los Angeles. Right. Pasadena? Glendale? Were you in Pasadena?

I was in Encino. Ah, yeah, it's all the same. It's all the same. I love it. So what do you like about Austin? How long have you been here? I've been here for like six days or something like that. Okay. Do you go to H-E-B or do you go to H-E-E-B? My father thinks it...

Just one guy got that? Okay. I mean, I'm murdering up here right now, but I guess only this guy's paying attention to my racial, local reference jokes. Go back. When the episode comes back, go watch it. Watch the part that you missed. What do you do for fun? I don't know. You seem like the kind of guy that always has a pair of dice in his pocket or something like that.

You must do something for fun. I like watching movies. I like movies a lot. Okay. You just go to the movie theater? Yeah. By yourself? Usually, yeah. Yeah. Pretty much.

Okay. You ever sniff the person in front of you? It's the vibe that I get is that you're there for the sense that you don't get the popcorn because you don't want to clutter up your nose. All right. What's the last movie that you saw? I saw... Shit, man. I saw Jackass. That was great. Yeah, it really was. It really was great. We've had a lot of those guys on the show that our families are all closely related to the Kiltonian Jackass family.

So I got to say, I mean, unbelievable. For those of you that didn't go see it, go see it. It's unbelievably hilarious. You saw that in Encino? Yeah, in Sherman Oaks, yeah. Okay. What's your job? What do you do for work? Oh, man. Well, I just move here. I just do, like, delivery driving and stuff like that.

Oh, you're a driver. So you really are Armenian. Super cool. Amazing. I knew the word driving was coming, whether it was taxi or delivery, something. You guys love driving. What kind of car do you have? You have a black Mercedes? A white one? We usually have, like, yellow cars and stuff like that, man. Yeah? But what do you say? I asked you about yours. Oh, I just got a Chevy Cruze, yeah.

Whoa. Okay. Not very exciting. All right. Okay. Why'd you choose Austin? Um, I just, it's cheaper. I need to save money and, um... Chris, how old are you? I'm an old man. An old man.

How long have you wanted to do stand-up comedy for your whole life? No, I was a musician for a long time. I started doing comedy a couple years ago. You started a company? Oh, I started doing comedy a couple years ago. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. You were a musician in a band or solo? Yeah, I was in a band. What was the name of your band?

We were called Mean Creek. We, uh, toured a lot. Okay. What did you do in the band? I, uh, played guitar and sung. Really? Wow. Interesting. Like, just regular electric guitar? Yeah. Okay. Why are you laughing right now? I don't know, man. It's a comedy show. Well...

No. No, don't clap at that. No. No, don't clap at that. You're supposed to be laughing, you fucking assholes. Not the guest. Oh, so brilliant. Oh. Shut the fuck up.

This guy's being an asshole to me up here. Regular electric guitar was pretty funny. What do you think? If we gave you a guitar, would you play a little song and sing something for us right now? Jesus. I don't know what to play, man. I haven't played in a while. I can play... Can you try something? Can you try?

Okay. Chris seems a little shy, but I think he's just going to get into it. But if I know anything, we can get him... Spray him with cologne. He'll get excited real quick. He's Armenian. I'll give you a couple of sports of Aqua Giorgio. Dracar. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. This is it. This is the grandfather of the lead singer of System of a Down, everybody. This is the great Chris Keen blessing us. I haven't played guitar in a long time, I'm sorry. Still got it. All right, Chris Keen, everybody. Wow.

Chris, you need to stop doing comedy, my friend. You need to get back to your roots. Start touring as Bruce Springclean. Chris, thank you so much. That was amazing. That was very, very special. Here, take an official Kill Tony joke book. Welcome to Austin, Texas. That's made by the great Bones Eye,

who not only makes these amazing joke books by hand every week, but his brother also made us, made Red Band and Eye brand new Kill Tony ashtrays. How cool is that? You have to sort of be closer to appreciate it, but you get it. All right, Quinn Collins is next on Kill Tony. Here we go. You guys having fun out there? All right, here she is.

Make some noise one more time for Quinn Collins. I used to be a Hooters girl, and when you get a good review, they read your, like, review before the shift in front of everybody. My favorite one was a five star that said, So glad Hooters has started hiring realistic looking girls. So when in my book, dating when you're stupid is kind of hard. I was talking to this guy recently, and he told me that we're platonic, and I was like, what are the earth shifting plates have to do with the fact that you're my boyfriend?

Fuck. Turns out that means y'all are fucking, but you're not going to meet his friends. Another guy asked me what my favorite position was. I told him I always wanted to be shortstop, but I was real scared of the ball, so they kept putting me in an outfield, trying to find four leaf clovers. It's fine. I'm just going to go. There you go, Quinn Collins with 53 seconds of stand up comedy.

There you go. There's the cat. There you go, because red band loves that after someone has done. So I waited for that to happen. There you go, Quinn Collins welcome. How long have you been doing stand up comedy? Uh, two years. Two years, okay.

How long have you worked at Hot Topic? First of all, it's not a face, Tony. This is who I am. Hell yeah. Absolutely. So you're a member of the Adams family, is that correct? I am. Absolutely.

It's a witchy woman, if you will. I'll take it. These are all compliments. They are. They are compliments. Okay, this lady is very, very horny up there. So Quinn, how long have you been on stand up? Uh, two years.

Two years. And what do you do for work? Um, I just graduated, so I just like serving bartend right now. Serving bartend. Okay, people moving for graduating. That's cool. There's a lot of dropouts or kill Tony fans, people. I love it.

What did you graduate with a degree in? Communications. Wow. Okay, what are you planning on doing with that? Um, nothing better than an um from a communication major. What the heck? Perfect. A lot of skipping class, huh?

Yeah. I like your style. Okay. Uh, so you just serving bartend. What do you like to do for fun? Um, well, I recently started running when I first moved here. Something like healthy to do. And then I got hit by a car.

Oh, shit. Yeah. It was like, they were supposed to stop because there's like a four way stop. And I was like, oh, I'll keep pace because you know, um, but they weren't stopping. So then like, I like tried to slow down. So kind of just like ricocheted off their car and like, like got scraped up and like hit my head. Wow. When did this happen?

Like, uh, two weeks after I moved to Austin. Okay. At night and all black? No, it was like broad daylight. Oh, it's hilarious. Oh my God. So sometimes you wear different stuff. You were wearing something brighter.

I do. I didn't wear different stuff sometimes. How hurt were you? Um, not that bad. Like I said, I just got kind of scraped up and like hit my head like a little bit, but, uh, they kept... On the cement? On the scene I am. Right.

Like a scrape hit your head or like a doof hit your head? I guess it's just like a, like a doof. Yeah. Like a doof. Did the guys stop? No, they kept going. They kept going. Really?

Did you get his license plate? Is it hit and run? No. Yeah. I just got hit by a car. Wow. It was a hit. It was a run and a hit and a run.

That's incredible. License plate. Um. So Quinn, what made you want to start doing stand up comedy? Um, well, I kind of started it because, uh, I had a few friends in like Christian stand up and I'm from Knoxville, Tennessee. So I just kind of started doing it that way and it's kind of stuck and, uh, I don't do Christian stand up. What the fuck is Christian stand up? License plate.

I feel like it must be the opposite of whatever I'm doing. License plate. But yeah, it's a, and I just really liked it. It's from like, I just, not still such a cool little comedy scene to be honest. You can be an example of like a Christian stand up joke that you had. It's like the dudes that sing like the Chick-fil-A songs and then like the Christian mom shared on Facebook. They get it. What?

It's like they sing songs about Chick-fil-A and it's like all super clean. No. Yeah. No, they don't. Do you realize how much I wish I was kidding, Tony? I'm telling you the truth. Wow. Knoxville, Tennessee.

What's the dumbest thing you ever saw in Knoxville, Tennessee? Oh my God. I'm from Appalachia. That's a very broad amount of things I could say. I don't know. I think, well, we see a lot of, like there's like the Christian signs everywhere. So it's like everywhere there's like a like constant like church things. Jesus is coming is a big one.

Oh shit. No one tells about his pull out game though. C-U-M-M-I-N-G. Alright. Alright. Interesting. And were you raised religious? Was your family religious?

I was. I was raised Southern Baptist. What do your parents think about you doing stand up? My dad thinks it's super cool. Yeah. So like both my parents think it's really neat. It's one of those where it's like my mom will like listen to some of my stand up and she's really supportive because like I'm 24 years old, but she's like, well, I don't

know, Quinn. You know, you know, your family does support things you do. They might see it. And it's always kind of that. But then she's, it was funny though. So it's like they like it, but. Right. What did they think about Hooters?

They like, they love Hooters wings. They what? They loved Hooters wings. And I like always brought them home. Oh wow. They're happy. Yeah. As long as you don't work on Sundays.

That's all that matters. Hooters does make you happy. I don't know. Hooters makes you happy. Yes. They're slogan. Oh, okay. They used to have a different one, right?

I don't know. Right. You don't know much. Quinn, you have any special skills or talents or something like that? You seem like the kind of girl that carries a slinky around with her. That's so funny. You say that. No fucking way.

Oh man, you got me good on that one. I was about to retire. Do you, do you, do you have crystals or anything weird in your purse? What the fuck? I have a moon ring. A moon ring. I have a moon stone. Like it's a.

Oh shit. Moon stone. Wow. Another My Girl reference here. No, it's like a, like a, like a crystal, like a stone, which is like in a ring. Yeah. Absolutely. Do you do drugs?

No. Not at all. Do you drink? I do. I'm an Irish. So I definitely do. Ukrainian and Irish. Oh wow.

Let's say yeah. You like to drink and be poor and not have weapons to defend yourself. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. We did it again. I feel like.

Oh no. We were there. A lot of people keep asking me, especially recently, like how I feel about the stuff going on in like Ukraine. Right. Like similar to Joe Biden. I don't really know what's going on. You are correct.

Absolutely. Hell yeah. And also to similar to Joe Biden, you guys aren't good at going for runs. Nice. Nice. Okay. Well, Quinn, fun times. I love, I love seeing new faces on this show and congratulations.

A fun new minute and we're going to give you a little joke book. Take a little joke book with you. Oh thank you. Made by the Great Bones Eye. We're going to keep it moving along here. You know what? Let's get one of our new regulars up here. This guy, this, I don't know why I said Hans is the newest regular.

This guy's the newest regular. He writes and performs a brand new minute of standup every week that David Lucas is in here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is LSH. Here we go. All right. Okay. That's weird.

You can tell he's a new guy. Here is everybody. LSH. Oh man. Y'all looking good tonight, boy. Grown in sexy in this bitch. Y'all looking better than the last crowd I performed for. Them motherfuckers look sick.

No, I'm bullshit. You're not. A dude came up to me and was like, young man, you're doing good work. You're hilarious, man. I'm unvaxxed, but it's all good. Cause you know, laughter is the best medicine. I said, nah, I'm pretty sure medicine is the best medicine. You can't go to St. Jude's with that bullshit.

Laughter is the best medicine. They will kick your ass out of that hospital. Quick. Get on out of here. These babies need medicine. But y'all, I am just so tired of COVID. I'm tired of it, man. But I feel like as soon as like, I just want to be comfortable again, you know?

But I feel as though like as soon as we start talking shit, COVID run up like a goddamn gang member. Just what the fuck you say, bitch? What the fuck you say? I'll mutate all over your ass, bitch. Say something again. But what killed me, man, is just how it just keep changing and mutating. Like it's a Delta and then it's a Omicron.

And they talk about a vaccine. Fuck a vaccine. We need Optimus Prime in this bitch. Hell yeah. Alice H. Very fun. Alice, where were you? It took you a while to get up here.

It's so unlike your people to be late for work. Oh shit. No, no. He looked back like he was mad at you for that rim shot. Did you see that? He's like, oh, this guy's... No. Okay.

So I like, usually it's one comic, two comic, three comic, Alice. But this time it was one comic, two comic. Alice H. I said fuck. So I timed it off wrong. Right. What were you doing? I was just practicing my shit. Oh, you were?

Were you like in front of a mirror or something like that? Oh no, I was just pacing back and forth. Okay. Just going over it in your head. Yeah. Hell yeah. Alice, what else has been going on in your life this week? We saw you last week.

Anything change, anything new? You know what's crazy, Tony? Okay, right after I did myself whatever, I was like, damn, I was illegally parked. So I went to go see if there was parking available. And then you hit a girl that was running? Now go ahead. Oh no, I was like, okay. No, someone broke into my damn car and stole my backpack with my journals in it.

With my comedy journals, with my jokes. Oh no. That's like four years worth of material. I was fucking pissed. Oh damn, that sucks. Yeah man. I was going to say, after I saw your set today, I was going to be like, did somebody steal all your work from Joe folks?

That seems like you really just threw that together on your walk up here. Yeah, I mean, that was good. You are one of my most favorite people ever to make fun of because you really show your emotions immediately. No, I was not because it's still tender and shit. I'm just mad though because I was like, I don't give a fuck about too much of anything. So that journal is like my fucking life. So I was thinking about finding the bum, like going out in the streets looking for the motherfucker

with my journal. It wouldn't have been hard to find. I just got to find the funniest motherfucker in the streets. I would have been like that. There you go. That son of a bitch. Yep. Did you try the trash?

There you go. They ate. They ate. They ate. They stole my notebook, not yours. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Ellis K rules Ellis my nuts.

Actually, I'm smart. I use my phone to put all my jokes and I don't carry all my work in a book bag. All right, Red Band. Very good. Wow. Wow. Okay. He keeps all of his jokes in that phone.

Little phone. All of them. God damn it. Ellis, what else? Something else happened? What else was in the bag other than just comedy journals? That was it. Did they break a window or something?

No, no, no. What's crazy is like they left their jacket. They took my backpack but left me a jacket. Oh, that's just like a big fuck you, huh? Yeah. Was there anything in the jacket? Did they have like jokes in the pockets or anything? Oh, no, no, no.

It was actually a, it was a nice polo jacket. I washed it and I'm about to wear it next week. Oh, shit. And you'll know if anybody comes up and is like, that's my jacket. Then I'm going to be like, where's my backpack, bitch? I got your jacket. I love it. Ellis, how do you make money?

I don't know if I've ever even asked you. I do lift. Oh, that's right. Okay. Yes, sir. You do lift. All right. How'd they get into your car?

I just left it unlocked. No, okay. So, okay. This is, okay. This is what, this is what I do. Uber would never let you do that. Hell yeah. So you left it unlocked.

Why? Why did you leave it unlocked, Ellis? Well, okay. This is what happened. I went to go move my car and I was just so excited because I'm like, fuck, I just ate chicken wings with Joe Rogan and shit. Fuck yeah. And then like,

He's really just excited about the chicken wings. I mean, the Joe Rogan thing has nothing to do with it. When I moved my car, I just left it unlocked though. The second time getting the new spot. Don't shake your head like that, John. You throw me under the back of the bus like that. How dare you up here making good racial jokes. You can't shake your head at my black jokes.

Even D Madness is going along with it. You see that? And he's got a case of that Stevie Wonder where they love shaking their head. You know what I mean? He goes up and down. He's like a fucking D. I love it. What the hell were we just talking about, Ellis?

Chicken wings. Oh, yes. So you ate chicken wings with Joe Rogan. Bruh, that shit's crazy, man. It's amazing what Joe is doing now that his compilation videos have come out. By the way, he's just going to random black people. Like, would you like to eat chicken with me? But Joe knows that if you eat too many chicken wings, you will become...

Whenever I see someone. Oh, forget it, forget it, forget it. Man, but it's just crazy though, man. Freddie Gibbs and Joe Rogan was in the same room and shit. Millions of fucking dollars. And I was in overdraft like a motherfucker. Yeah, absolutely. Where do you do your banking?

Bank of America. I'm about to switch, though. Where are you going to switch to? Randolph Brooks. Randolph Brooks. Okay. A lot of people wooing. I've never heard of it.

What makes you want to go to Randolph Brooks? It seems good. My mom's got it, so. Ah, your mom's got it. I love it, Ellis. Well, fun times. You did it again. Another brand new minute.

How do you feel about it? It's cool. All right. Perfect. Well, Ellis, thank you so much. There goes Ellis H, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. We're getting through it here today.

We're doing this shit. All right. Your next comedian is Felicia Gillespie. Felicia Gillespie. Time to say hi, Felicia. There she is. One more time. Put your hands together for Felicia Gillespie.

Oh, thank you so much. I had a drink. I had to stop after one because I drank in dial. Last time I did it, I actually called Capital One. They're in my phone. I'm a customer. You know, I called them up and they were mad at me. They were like, you owe us a lot of money.

I was like, this is all we ever talk about. This is my first time in Austin. I'm very excited about that. I went to a Mexican restaurant today where the service was so slow. I just knew they got into the country legally. It's like these people have done no running across the border. I heard that one man's trash is another man's treasure. It's a very positive phrase.

It's not a good way to tell your kid they're adopted. Thank you. All right. Felicia Gillespie. Let's talk about that slow service at the Mexican restaurant that you got. I mean, it's coming from me, but that's one of the most racist jokes I've ever heard in my entire life. What exactly do you mean they must have been illegal because the service was slow? You're saying they don't run across the border.

Yeah. Right. Not quick. Okay. Did that really happen? Did you have slow service? At Chipotle. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Michael Gonzalez is furious right now. He finds it unacceptable. That's even more racist saying it's Chipotle. That's all white people. Yeah. It's owned by McDonald's. Well, it wasn't really a Mexican restaurant.

It was the rice aisle at H-E-B. Yeah. I love it. Felicia, how long have you been visiting for? I just got here last night. Okay. From where? I'm originally from Pittsburgh, but I live in New York right now.

How long have you lived in New York? About a year. Wow. What do you do there? I do a lot of comedy. What do you do for work? I have a savings account right now, so nothing. How did you fill up your savings account?

I was an Airbnb host for about seven years while I was doing comedy back then. Okay. Yeah. Okay. An Airbnb host. Okay. That'll do it. Is this where you were an Airbnb host?

Where at exactly? It was in Pittsburgh. Oh, wow. Yeah. Right next to Carnegie Mellon and Pitt, so I made a lot of money. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

So, Mellon is what Ellis and Joe Rogan ate after the ... Anyway, we're having fun here. We're having fun, Felicia. So, the service was slow at Chipotle. I get it. What else are you planning on doing while you're visiting Austin? I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm just here to see you, Tony. Is that true?

Yeah, it's true. You really came for this? Yeah. Incredible. Yeah. All the way from New York. You were lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket. Yes.

Very, very exciting. So, you're a fan of the show. You watch it. Yeah. You know where you're at right now. Yeah. Absolutely. By the way, I'm a huge fan of your work in the movie Midsommar.

Scary shit. Straight from the mouth of Hillary Swank, right? Almost didn't recognize you with the flowers on your head. I was going to say Carrie. There you go, because he's an old man. That's why he's going to make that reference. Yeah, Red Band's like, what are you, one of the children of the corn? What are you, Judy Garland's niece?

Oh, shit. Felicia, what do you do for fun? You seem like you've tried heroin a couple of times. Get a little vibe like you wouldn't like to tie one off. Heat up that spoon. I practice juggling. Really? Yeah, just for fun.

Are you any good at it? Can we give the three lines up here? How about a hand for the amazing staff here at Vulcan? Let's get some lines. I want to see some juggling. We're going to clown school today, everybody. Welcome to an extra clowny episode of Kill Tony. We have any fruits?

They're a little bit tight on the budget here at Vulcan Gas Company. So they may have gotten exactly as much fruit as they needed. We got any joke books? Come on. We got anything moving over there? Is anybody even listening? Jesus Christ, these fucking guys. The bartender's just laughing at me.

Beer cans. All right, we'll bring them up here. Where do we got? Over here. Over here. Here they come. Here you go. Wow.

Red band's basically a juggler. More like a jiggler. Whoa. And that's how a lawsuit happens, everybody. I love it. Okay. So your mediocre is fuck. Juggling.

Anything else? Is there anything that you've tried more than once? Is there anything you've practiced for more than 20 minutes before? Can we try that again, maybe? Come on, let's try it one more time. We can do better. Here she is, Felicia Gillespie. In town for one night only.

This is what she's doing. Yeah. There we go. That's what I'm talking about. Everybody deserves a second chance. Except for Pang Dang, he doesn't deserve a second chance. Oh, you don't even give her the limes? No.

She can bring them back to her Airbnb tonight. Felicia, what else would surprise us about your life? Well, it's pronounced Felicia. Felicia? Felicia. Oh, shit. That's such a Felicia thing to say. Yeah.

Very surprising. Wow. Normally people don't punch down a name like that. I know. Actually, Tony, it's Felicia. Wow. Like Jesus. Felicia is just a fine name.

All right, Felicia. This is sort of suspicious. I know. I know. Okay, so you have a weird name. What else? What do your parents do in Pittsburgh? I'm originally from Youngstown, Ohio, 45 minutes to your due west.

So I know that Pittsburgh is a complete shithole. Yeah. I get it. A bunch of bridges to nowhere. They're just both retired. So my mom doesn't do much. And my dad just plays with the cat all day. Okay.

What's your love life like? I don't want to think about that. They're old as fuck. No, what's your love life like? Oh, life. Oh. Oh, that's what you mean playing with the cat. I didn't know.

No, you killed it. No regrets here. I'm currently single, newly single. Oh, newly single. How long were you in this relationship for? A year. And when did it end? Two months ago.

Two months ago. Why did it end? We just, it didn't work out. You looked at his phone. He cheated on me. How did you, how do you know that he cheated on you? He left it as a voicemail on my phone as an accident, I think. But yeah.

Wait, wait, wait. He left blood on the voicemail. Explain to us exactly. Him and the act of cheating. No. Yeah. Do you still have that voicemail? Can we listen to it?

I have it, but I know. You have it on your phone? I don't think so. I'll give you a hundred dollars if you play it off your phone. Nick, give me a hundred dollars. And give me the phone unlocker too. Here it is. Here's the door guy here at Vulcan Nick.

It's just a door guy. Nothing more, nothing less, never will be. He comes from nothing. He's a fatherless child named Nick. I bully him for cash sometimes. Felicia, your phone is unlocked. Yeah, it has to turn on and I'm going to try to find it for you. So let me ask you this.

So he's out one night, right? And you don't know where he is. It was that he was working. Oh yeah. Does he work late at night normally? No, he works at the airport. So he worked in the morning. Right, but he said he had a late night at work.

They had to do some special cleaning or something, right? He made up a lie about it. No, I think it happened on a break or something. Oh, so it happened at the airport? Yeah. Oh, shit. Which airport? Pittsburgh airport.

Oh, shit. That's the worst. That's why those lines are so long. You got that TNA instead of TSA. You know what I'm saying? He did not come out in the clear at all. This guy fucking. Oh, man.

Someone from up above is saying that they have identified the voicemail. This is very exciting. She's heard the words, she's got it, she's got it. People want to make sure that you're not over there deleting things. I have all my scoundrels up there keeping an eye on you. So you wake up the next morning and you say, oh, I had a missed call from him. Yes. Like, you know what?

1 a.m., 2 a.m., 3 a.m., something like that. The missed call happened at like 6 30 in the morning. Is he a fan of the show as well? No, I don't. Perfect. Good. So we don't have to worry about him being upset. How long of voicemail is it?

It ended up being about four minutes. Four minutes. Oh, come on. Oh, my God. Nick, give me another hundred bucks. Now I'm kidding, Nick. Don't do it. I'm kidding.

And the limes. Give her the limes. We're going to let you keep those limes. Four minutes. Four minutes. Taxing to the gate. Hell, yeah. It's crazy.

The voicemail was twice as long as you can juggle for it. I don't know if I'm going to be able to find it, Tony. I'm looking. What does he do at the airport? He threw bags. Wow. Fuck yeah, he did. Hell yeah.

How many voicemails do you have? Don't you know like the date pretty much? Well, it was, I kind of took it off my phone, I think, but I have it in a file somewhere. Find the file. Find the file. I'm looking for the file. Ignore everything else.

Find the file. Four minutes. At what point in the voicemail did you know what it was? You're like, this doesn't sound like airport stuff. And you asked him about it and did he admit that he cheated? No. No, he lied. He said, I really had to take a shit and accidentally called you.

Oh, this makes it so much better. Oh my God. I'm so glad I asked this before hearing the voicemail because now we can really try to guess between two very easily decipherable sounds. One being the sound of a man taking a shit and the other of a couple having sex. And my guess is they were definitely fucking. Well, I don't know if this man eats at the airport every day. Oh, that's a really good point.

It can get loud in there. The sound of chicken salad sandwiches in the Pittsburgh airport. He might not be lying. Get the fartboard out of here. Get it out of here. All right. She's still looking for the file over here. I'm so sorry.

Tony, maybe we could check out the end of the show and have her come back up. Will you come back up at the end? Go find it. Good luck. And we're going to have so much fun later on. I'm so excited about this. One more time for Felicia Gillespie, everyone. Felicia, take that with you.

And your hundred dollars. Keep the money up here until you fucking get that file. You don't get it until you play it. I know people from Pittsburgh. They'll take the hundred bucks and run. She's going to upgrade her spirit flight tomorrow. Well, let's do something special. Speaking of people escaping the city that they're from,

this young man is still in town. He's one of the very few golden ticket winners in the history of the show, which means he gets to perform in any kill Tony any time for his life. This is Jared Nathan, everybody. Here he is. Very exciting. The return of the legendary Jared Nathan. I just bought myself a one-way ticket to KF.

In the next week, I'm going to help the soldiers in Ukraine. I can't shoot a gun or fire a rocket launcher. However, I can easily be a human shield for Saminsky. The Russians can't fuck me up as more as I am right now. Jared Nathan. Wow. God damn it, you did it again. Look at you.

Super topical material talking about the current situation in Ukraine. I can't believe you even know what's going on in Ukraine. This is all news to me that you even know the news. I watch the news. You watch the news. That's stupid. This is what a typical... Most people I know that are addicted to CNN talk and act just like you.

I don't watch CNN. Fuck CNN. Fuck CNN is right. I know Jared. I was just making a joke. I don't think you're a CNN guy. I think you're a... What type of news do you watch?

You seem like a... You put the MS in MSNBC. That doesn't really make sense. He doesn't have any signs of multiple sclerosis whatsoever. It's just a random disease and it's that funny because it works. Son of a bitch. How often do you watch the news? I watch a lot of Fox News.

Whoa, Fox News. Look at this. And you are leaning to the right right now. So that makes sense. I love it. A Fox News guy. 100%. You are more of a Hannity or Combs kind of guy.

I like the five. Oh, the five. All right. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. How about your time in Austin?

What did you do this week? Anything fun? I started training. You started what? Training. Training. Oh my God. Training for what?

Boxing and some Muay Thai. You're doing boxing and Muay Thai? Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. Can you put the mic in the mic stand? Can we see some shadow boxing here from Jeremy? Oh my, oh my goodness.

Wow. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh my God. Wow. Holy shit. Wow. That is incredible.

Wow. I would beat the shit out of you in a fight. It is incredible. He would make me look like Floyd Mayweather in a fight. Those short little strokes of yours, that's incredible. I love it. You're like Rocky. Oh shit.

Oh shit. I like that Rocky one. Getting a fist bump. Rocky. I love it. And did your boxing trainer specifically tell you not to extend your arms or move your hips or your legs at all when you were fighting? Did he teach you that Popeye thing that you were doing?

Have you ever been in a fight before? There's people awing. Shut up, lady. I haven't. Shut up. If you feel bad for him, come up here and give him a big kiss on the lips. See that? No, she's not going to.

She's not going to. She's going to sit there and aw like a little baby. Jared, have you been in a fight before? I have. Really? How did that fight end? You should have asked the other guy. You think you should have seen the other guy.

She's the other guy. If I asked the other guy, he'd be like, yeah, I beat the shit out of him. What's up? If I beat the total shit out of someone and they caught cops on me, they will go to jail. You're goddamn right. Absolutely. Absolutely. You tell that officer right away that that is abuse.

It's a hate crime. It is. It's a hate crime. The man's a genius. That came right out. Not a single stutter. That's a hate crime, Tony. Wow.

Jared, what a stud you are. I'm 34-6 hate crime. Wow. Jared, what else has been going on? Anything else interesting happening? You trained in boxing. You're out there. You're soaking in the city.

I see you. I want to do a death metal concert with Jason Roche. You went to a what? Death metal. A death metal. Death metal. You went to a death metal concert with Jason Roche. If he whispers, if he whispers, he doesn't stutter.

This is something we learned here. It was a breakthrough we had here a few weeks ago where he's gone his whole life stuttering and we found out that if he whispers, he doesn't stutter. Also, he can rap and he doesn't stutter when he raps. Or talk like a girl. Yes, man. Or talk like a girl. He can't stutter either.

This is all very interesting. We're literally one of the leading science laboratories. We're studying mental health here. It's very exciting. Can you do any accents? Can you do like an Australian accent? Yeah, you do any impressions at all? You do like a stuttering Christopher Walken or something like that?

It's time. It's time. It's fader time. Wow. That is a reference only three people will get. That is big van vader of professional wrestler from the 80s and 90s and WCW. It is weird though. He didn't stutter when he was trying to do an impression though.

It seems like you should just try to do a Christopher Walken all the time. That wasn't Christopher Walken. I know, but you know what I mean? Do some kind of impression. I love it. You don't want to do that? Jared, what else? Anything else?

How much longer are you in town for? I'm here until the 27th. 27th. Okay. And what are some, do you have anything planned? Do you have anything else on the docket for your stay here in Austin? Just hang out. And Chase Bell's got me a small part in a horror movie.

That's why I'm staying so long. Oh, you're in a horror movie? Yeah. Okay. I can't just, yeah. What are you playing in the horn? Are you a pumpkin? We will find out, Tony.

We will find out. You're goddamn right. But just to make it clear, you have to go back to Canada on the 27th because they want you back. Unfortunately. Yeah. And, but you love it here. I'll be back. Okay.

I'll be back. Yeah. There you go. There you go. There it is. I'd love to have you on Thursday at the Secret Show, Jared. Thank you. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's another brand new minute by Golden Ticket winner, the legendary Jared Nathan, everybody. All right. Back to the bucket we go. We're getting through it here. We're almost there. All right. A minute uninterrupted goes next.

We've had this guy on before. Make some noise for Tim Warner, everybody. Tim Warner. Here he comes. A very steady pace. Bring your hands together for Tim Warner, everybody. One more time for Tim Warner, everyone. I don't think I'm in a really good place mentally.

Like, have you ever watched 600 pound life? It felt worse for yourself. Yeah, that's me. You know, that's how you know you're not doing good. Like, I don't mean to brag, but last month my dad died. No, it's really great. We didn't get along. He was a Buffalo Bills fan, which is why I think a lot of our hugs went wide right.

We always missed, you know what I mean? But it's just interesting how, like, we are about death. Why are we so scared about death? Is it because there isn't a Yelp review? Would that ease some of the anxiety where it's like five stars, I'm in a better place now, Aunt Betty. You know what I mean? It's just weird.

I had so many people coming up to me like, Tim, heard about your dad. Sorry for your loss. Why are you sorry for my loss? I don't know if I am. You know what I mean? Like, I wasn't in the will, nothing. He completely didn't even talk about me. And afterwards, that really hurt,

because I never heard anyone come up to me and go, Tim, I heard about the will. Sorry for your loss. Like, come on. Thank you. Tim Warner. All right. I won't repeat this before I remember you from back in the day.

Yeah. Welcome back. Indeed. And remind us all how long you've been in stand-up comedy? 12 years. 12 years, absolutely. Okay. And your father passing away,

were you guys close? No, not at all. Not at all. Probably strange to last like five years. Whatever else? We never got along, dude. I don't know, this is not going to be funny. But yeah,

we just didn't get along, dude. I'll take care of whether it's funny or not, Tim. Fair enough. Fair enough. I just don't want the smallest violin in the world playing. But I don't know. It's just two people just didn't get along. My dad shouldn't have fucked my mom.

He didn't necessarily want responsibility. I wanted to go to Woodstock and fucking... Did he make a lot of money? Did he have money in the will to give to people? Yeah, I guess, dude. You think so? What did he do for work?

I guess. He was senior dispatcher in Niagara Mohawk. He retired at 55 to lay in bed and watch the Beverly Hill Billies and Andy Griffith. Wow. It's got to sad. Right, he did all of that instead of

hanging out with you. Uber Eats. Okay, very casual with your answers tonight, Tim. I don't know, dude, that just... I don't know. The minute sucked, so I don't know. I'm just in my head now. Ah, the minute was awful, so I'm just in my head right now.

You're okay. You can recover. We're in the interview part now. Let's move on. Didn't be in your head. I mean, with a haircut like that, it seems like you are able to ignore a lot of... I don't know. A lot of tough shit and plow forward. You have the house with that.

No, I didn't. I left my car. Is that you live in your car? Yeah, man. Oh, very cool. How long have you been on that for? Since election 2020. Okay, 2020 election. What kind of car is it? It's... I don't want to...

It's like giving away my address, dude. What the fuck are you talking about? Wow. That's hilarious. Were there journals in the backseat? Boom! Tom Papa. Hell, yeah.

Absolutely. So, Tim, you've been in your car since 2020. Do you have any tricks to living in your car? Any advice for any young comic listening who's planning on moving into their car? What they would do? I spent a whole summer in my car for 14, 13, 14 years ago

behind the comedy store. I was working at the comedy store. I had all of my clothes and things neatly folded in the trunk and then at the very, very end of a long night at 4 a.m. I would crawl in my backseat. I'd grab a blanket and a pillow out of the trunk

and I would lay in the fetal position and sleep for an amazing three or four hours until the Los Angeles sun woke me up. So, I get it. I know. That is exactly it. Now, I ride on jets

and perform at Madison Square Garden. There's potentially something for you at the other end of this. I highly doubt it, but I'm just ridiculously special and hardworking. And I put myself in position to win. I do eat chicken wings with Joe Rogan.

Now, I'm kidding. Tim, do you have any advice on living in the car that you can share with somebody? My thing was always keep it clean. Keep your everything. I don't know. I guess. Organized. Fucking just believing yourself. Okay.

Now, it's interesting. You drive for Uber Eats and you live in your car. Does that mean that you technically work from home? Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly what it means. Do you do anything for fun? Other than stand-up comedy?

Oh, Jesus, dude. Not anymore. No. Yeah, dude. It's just this. And that last comment just sucked the fucking energy out of me, dude. You know, you crawl back in the back of a fucking Volkswagen today.

It's just going to be like, what pill do I take? Because I'm too scared to use a gun. Jesus, dude. I don't think you're going to do much in this. I mean, you're probably right. You're probably right. No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying you're not going to have a career like me,

Tim. Relax. It's all good. Have you saved up any money, though? Is there a light to the end of the tunnel living in your car? Because that can really drain on you. Is there a headlight at the end of the tunnel? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. There was. I need Russia to turn the energy on so I can get

that crypto back up. Oh, this is what investing in crypto looks like, everybody. I've always wondered. I've always wondered if I saw one in person what it would be like. Tim, what do you think was going to happen here? What's funny about this is you're reacting

like you're shocked, but you've been on the show before. Yeah, and it's gone a lot better than this. It has, right? It happens. Do you know from an X on your phone? No. Having sex someplace because there's $100

here on the table that might help you out. But you do have a phone, right? You do have a phone. Yes, I do. What else do you have? What would be something that you own that we'd be surprised to know that you own, that you keep in your Volkswagen? Is there something? Do you have anything of any value?

That would be surprising that I own. Yeah, I don't know. I got 40 NBA jerseys for no reason. You have 40 NBA jerseys? Holy shit. Yeah, sounds like a down payment on an apartment. How do you end up with 40 NBA jerseys? That's China. That's...

That's my China virus, dude. You get them for like, you know, 20 bucks, whatever else, takes like eight weeks to get here, but, you know... Wow. I went on a tear one summer and I started with the dream team and then

now I got like almost every team, except for like the Clippers and the Bucks. Wow. Look at you. Clippers are tough to get. Oh no, it's just, who do you get? There's like, there's no like... Standout.

Yeah, you know, there's a couple, I mean, there's a couple dudes I like, but there's no like, who are the Clippers? There isn't. There's dudes that you like. All right, yeah. All right. Okay, Tim, 12 years in the game, how old are you?

No. He says, this might be our first on-air suicide, everybody. This is very exciting. We're getting down to it. It's a real live show. Anything can happen here. What you see is real. No, it's true. It's saying like pro wrestling.

We don't all go backstage after this really pulled in, Tim. They think you're going to kill yourself, Tim. Yeah. Tim's not going to kill himself, by the way. People that live in cars don't do that. 43. 43 years old. Okay.

Beautiful. Beautiful. 43 years old. And, okay. All right. You know what? Maybe he will kill himself, everyone. No, I'm kidding. Tim, Tim, you do though, right? You love doing stand-up.

I just wish more people did. I don't know. Right. No, you're doing fine. You perform every night of the week, right? Around town. All over. Wherever I can go. Wherever I can go. I don't care where it is. You're writing during the day at coffee shops. We run into each other sometimes

at the same coffee shop. Yeah. Right. So you're out there being a comedian? Yeah, I don't know what the etiquette is. I never say hi. It's perfect. I don't think you want to be bothered. You're doing everything completely correct. No, you're doing it just right. I'm not into

hellos either, Tim. But I do see you over there and I'm like, oh, shit. That guy's been on the show before. I better make sure I don't talk too loud. You know, in your set, you say like how you're going to kill yourself. And then, you know, afterwards you kind of shit on yourself

and shit on your set. And then you say, no one likes my comedy, but it's kind of hard as an audience to watch all that and like be on your like they're just everyone feels bad and shocked. You know, it's I think you need to like really like change your gear if you want to like do something

because you're just like making everyone sad and depressed, you know, it's well, that was the most depressing part of everything really. I mean, Jesus, nothing sadder than red band telling you to change your gear. You know what I'm saying? The guy lives in his car. He's I know, but like nothing

but like tears. Look at this guy. He's about to die. He's not going to kill himself. He's going to die from heartbreak. This is incredible. You know what, Tim, if you want to close down on the secret show, I have a spot open for the secret show. Whoa, how about that?

He just got booked on a show. He's holding back. I think we're about to see a genuine smile here. There it is. Are you serious? Yeah, you just got booked on one of these yet. You want one of these two? There you go. Your net worth just doubled everybody.

There he goes. Tim Warner with a brand new joke book. Catch him at the secret show this Thursday. People on the Internet love comedians like that. Red band's right though. All he has to do is give like a hint of a smile and you're so relieved.

Yeah. You're like, it's going to be okay. Should we go to this bucket one more time, huh? All right. Nate Shell Nate Shell is next on Kill Tony. We're going to do a minute from Nate Shell. We're going to listen to a voicemail after that. Here he is. One more time for Nate, everybody.

I think the L and Samuel L. Jackson stands for loud. Like they say you can see the great wall of China from space. You can also occasionally hear, motherfucker!

I'm pretty introverted. I spent a lot of time by myself. I was in my kitchen the other day. My roommate was like, man, you've got a lot of time on your hands. I was like, actually, this is cum. Then we had a tickle fight afterwards. Did you guys know that everyone

is gender fluid at one point in their life? But most gender fluid just ends up on a girl's back. Do you find it ironic how many rural folks don't believe in the idea of gender fluid, but they have gallons of horses in their fridge? Cool.

Okay. Nate, what do you mean people have gallons of horseages in their fridge? Like, you know how rural people breed animals, so they just got all the jizz in there. Do they? You didn't know that? They have a bunch of horseages in their refrigerator? Like when you breed steeds or something?

Do you know about this? Yeah, my mom's side of the family works on farms. Okay. Your mom's side of the family works on farms. So you go to your mom's family's house sometimes. You open up, put a little cream in your coffee. A little bit of that

morning sea biscuit. I love it. I want a good, stable breakfast. You know what I mean? Hell yeah. Okay. So, Nate, how long you been doing stand-up? Kind of on and off last six months.

Six months. Very good. Much bigger relief than 12 years. Oh, oh, oh, shut the fuck up. It's a groany-ass little sensitive crowd tonight. What's going to happen, huh? It's okay. Everybody's depressed.

Nobody's depressed, Red Band. She's not wicked out so good. Jesus. I'm sorry. Red Band has a vitamin D deficiency, everybody. We're trying to get through it. Nate, what do you do for work? I'm in school right now. I go to UT. Oh, okay. You go to UT.

I love it. What do you study there? Radio, television, and film. Stand-up, podcast, social media, whatever. Okay. Then why are you going to college then? I have the GI Bill so they pretty much just pay for everything.

Oh, sweet. Okay. You're an American hero. I love that. Absolutely. I love it. So, what branch of the military were you in? I was Air Force. Air Force. And what did you do for the Air Force? I worked on ejection seats,

but we mostly just played ping-pong and watched movies. Oh, okay. Ping-pong and movies. Wow. What a hero. What do you do for fun, Nate? You're going to college. You seem like a decent looking guy, right?

You're tall. Harry. Yeah. I like to work out here and there. Got a girlfriend, spend some time with her. Okay. What does she do? She's at school as well. Very good. She goes to UT as well?

Okay. All right. What is she studying? She's a mathematician. Wow. Hell yeah. She's Canadian too. Opposites attract. You look like you have no idea how to do division. My goodness.

Okay, Nate, you have any other fun facts about your life or what's your story? Anything interesting about you? You look like a... I don't know if Thrones had leukemia or something like that. Am I that pale? Summer's coming, but... That must be his girlfriend's name.

Yeah. A couple of times. No. Nothing too crazy. He just moved to Austin from Seattle. When did you move here? Six months ago when I started going to UT. What do you love about Austin?

It's not Seattle. It's... It is kind of weird, honestly. It's all right, but there's a lot of opportunity for stand-up. There's a lot of cool places to get drunk and fuck around. What's the weird part?

Just a lot of people wearing jeans and sandals. Selling textiles on the street. White people doing non-white people shit. I don't know. That is true. That is true.

You should have put that joke in between the jizz jokes. It's to break it up. I love it. Nate, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? I can juggle a little bit. No, you can't. Where's the Limes?

No, you can't. Are you serious? Let's get some Limes up here again. This is the dumbest show in the history of our show. You came to the right episode. We need three more Limes up here. We'll even take lemons if we got them.

This is very, very exciting. Here we go. Here's some Limes. Hey, look. How about a hand for Nick the Door Guy, everybody? Nick the Door Guy. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Wow! He just hit a girl in the face. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Wow, that was some incredible juggling name. Wow. Are you okay? Everybody's okay. Everybody's depressed. Nobody got hit with a lime.

Red band. Jesus Christ. Shut up! Okay, Nate. Well, you did it here tonight. How do you feel? I feel pretty happy with it. A little nervous. It's a little bit better than being in cold rainy Seattle, right?

Yeah. You love it here in Austin? You're planning on staying? No, but I like it for now. You're not planning on staying. Where are you going to go after this? After you graduate? I would like to go to the Northeast. I feel like people are a little more rough and tumble over there.

What does that mean, rough and tumble? I think I've just seen a goodwill hunting. So that's just my only idea of what it's like. The accents are very... Have you ever been there? No. Very spontaneous guy. Are you talking about like Boston or New York or something?

Yeah. Either one of them or specifically New York? Whatever. Something fun and new. Whatever? Dude, you have no idea what's going on out there. Not a lot of jeans and sandals. That's for sure. If you're trying to get away from specifically jeans and sandals,

then you're going to the right place. Boston, Massachusetts. Wow. Nate, that is the whitest thing I've ever heard in my life. You know, I saw Goodwill hunting, so I'm thinking about moving to the Northeast. They got a lot of apples over there. It looked good in the early 90s.

Well, Nate, you did it here tonight. Congratulations. There he goes, Nate Shell, everybody. Nice, Nate. Nate, take one of these with you. Here you go. There he goes, Nate Shell, everyone. How do you like those apples?

Yeah. Well, then we'll do that. All right, we're going to wait for the voicemail. She got it. She had to go all the way to her laptop in her hotel to get the voicemail. The good news is we are getting the voicemail.

We're going to do it before the end of the show. So, to kill a little bit of time before the voicemail, which is supposedly is seven or eight minutes away, why don't we get our final regular of the night up here. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is touring

the entire country with me right now doing a stand-up comedy, absolutely killing. He's opening for Joe Rogan every week here at Balkan Gas Company. He started here on Kill Tony just a few years ago. A veteran of the game, a legend in Kill Tony Folklore.

This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Oh, shit. Here he comes. Come on, how long can this place get for the great William Montgomery? I just found out that before God goes to sleep at night,

he gets down on his knees, bows his head and prays to Apex Twin. Due to the war in Ukraine, Fairmount Pictures will no longer release the movie Sonic the Hedgehog 2 in Russia. I bet if the Russians could go back in time, they'd bomb Ukraine right before the release

of the Hedgehog 1. Say what you will about Operation Dumbo Drop, but I think it was an inside job. I'm so desperate for a development deal, I'd break into prison to suck Harvey Weinstein's dick. Joe Biden recently gave a State of the Union speech.

The worst part is that he said it to Scott Music. Okay. Alright. 57 seconds from William Montgomery. What was that first joke? I'm trying to understand. Do you say Apex Twins? What did you say? Apex Twin. He's a wonderful artist.

This guy gets it right here. Apex Twin. What is that? What kind of art is that? He does music. Okay. By round of applause, be honest, how many of you know who Apex Twin was? Interesting.

Yeah, I just keep saying it every week, hoping people laugh, but I feel like nobody knows who Apex Twin is. That's part of the joke. That's what I'm going for. What kind of music does he do? Who the fuck said bullshit? Yeah. Oh, look at him hiding behind his girlfriend.

I see who did it. Oh, shit. Yeah, who the fuck said that? You piece of shit. Am I looking right at you? I think it's coming from the table. Am I looking right at you? Who the fuck said that? Yeah, it was you. I bet it was you. Oh, shit. They lit them up.

They got them all lit up there. Joe, get a picture of this shit. Look at Joe White just standing there doing nothing. I happen to love Apex Twin, you piece of shit. Let me have a little fun. And I keep telling these jokes and they never get laughs and I'm always scared to look over at Tony

after an Apex Twin joke because he never seems to laugh. Yeah, I have no idea what you're thinking. It's so unorthodox to make references that people literally don't get. But with so much charisma and likeability like you have, you could pretty much literally fucking say anything.

And people laugh. It's impressive. Okay, well, I'll try to adjust that. I won't tell any more Apex Twin jokes. A lot of people seem it seems like a very controversial subject. It's like everybody's split. It's like the OJ trial or something like that.

All right. I'll figure it out. What else? Is that true? Did you try to break into the prison to suck Harvey Weinstein's dick? I looked up which prison he was in and I immediately realized logistically speaking, it would be very difficult.

So, no doubt. No doubt. I do know a guy that's going to the northeast soon. So, I do. William. So, what else is going on in the world of William Montgomery? The wild world of William. Well, I made some pasta fuzzule earlier.

Wow. Now, Tom Papa famously makes his own bread. Tom, William recently got a crock pot and he's been making a lot of different soups. He's in... Yeah, I made a really good pasta fuzzule. Oh, William, come on.

I know I always talk about shit, but finally, I've been a couple of days. I think all the fiber I put in there, all the beans, it's making me need to shit right now. I don't know. I'm just looking at red bean stupid fucking face. Tom, what do you think? What did you just fucking say to me?

I said, I don't know if I have to shit because looking at your stupid face are all the fiber and the fucking thing that I made earlier. Good thing you have a crock pot. Yeah. So, William, I'm not going to let you and Red Band have one of your arguments.

Don't do that. Yeah, don't do that. That's a bad idea. That'd be a big fucking mistake. I'm sort of working out. See how it hit that lady? You see how your piece of ice hit that lady? So remember right before when I told you that's going to be a big mistake? You fucking...

Yeah, that was a big fucking mistake, Red Band. It was. It was a big mistake. He just... It was a big fucking mistake, you dumbass. Yeah, it really was. His throwing arm is the same. Yeah, stand up. Stand up.

William and Red Band have a rivalry. It's very uncomfortable because I feel like he's staring at me when he's yelling at Red Band. Whoa! Yeah, I got your ass. Don't fucking throw it back at me. Red Band.

You're so stupid. Wow. This is a little... Stop it, you guys. Red Band, go to the bathroom. Red Band, I was kidding. Didn't you say you had to go to the bathroom? No, I saw what was in his hand,

so I was trying to get out of the situation for you, but then I just had to throw a lime on his dick. You hit my inner thigh. You guys are literally the worst improv troupe I've ever seen in my entire life. I have to shit. So stupid. There's a lime in your ass.

I can't believe we saved this for the end of every episode. It doesn't really make any sense. Here he is, one of the stars of the show. I ain't past to be shooed. Yeah. I have to go to the bedroom. I do.

Apex twin. Okay, I will work on that. I've been trying. I think I've done like 28th X-Twin jokes in the past month. Yeah, no, I know. I know, I've watched them all. I've been right here. Okay, William,

you're out there. You're killing. Everything is going good. You've been doing the road with me a bit. How's that been? That was fun, aren't I? I think I'm going somewhere with you this weekend if you're excited. We're going to Rawley, North Carolina together,

you and me. I sit right next to William on airplanes. We wait in lines together. We eat breakfast together. It's all very bizarre. He keeps things very interesting. There was a time on our first flight

from here to Dallas. You were asleep and I laid my head on your shoulder for probably five minutes. Really? Yeah, you didn't know. Wow. Were you doing it to be funny? No, to be sweet. I was here to let you know

I'm on your side and I'm here for the cause. You had no idea you were sleeping. I would have enjoyed that. Really? If I would have woke up and your head would have been there, I would have loved that. I'm very, very, very content.

Is that the word? I'm not homophobic at all if you know what I mean. Yeah. We're going to come back from this weekend. I'm just going to have red pubes and tea if you guys are going to know. Firemouth Hinge Clip over here.

Wrong laptop. She's still in hotel. She doesn't have it. She brought the wrong laptop. Maybe we could talk to her and have her send it to me so if you watch this episode we'll put it in the right here. You have 20 saved messages.

Saved message. Yeah. Yeah, it might be right here. But it would be... God damn it. What can I say? You think she's lying? Maybe we should just react to what we think

the sounds are like on the thing. William, why don't you give us a little example of what you think the audio of the voicemail that we'll never get to hear sounds like. Well this will be fun because I wasn't listening. I have zero idea

what even the voicemail could even be. That makes it even better, trust me. So we want you to do an impression of the voicemail that her ex-boyfriend left her while he was at work. Go ahead. Hey, Kim.

I'm looking forward to you coming back to our apartment. I've been wondering where you've been. You've been gone for three days now. You aren't talking to me. I don't really know what the problem is. I've really missed you.

You know I love you so much. You know we moved to Austin together. You know we are really close. What was that? That's tonight's episode. How about a hand for William Montgomery, everybody? Guys,

how long can this place get for my guests, the great Tom Papa, everybody? Come on! So much fun. He's on tour. Go to TomPapa.com T-O-M-P-A-P-A.com He's one of my favorite comedians in the world.

I miss you so much. Thank you, Tony. This is really great. I'd love to come back and do it again and again. I love it. Then we will do it again and again. Guys, how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band brought to you by screwball, Vina Butterwisky. That's Michael Gonzalez

on the drums, Matt Mueling on guitar, John Dees on the keys, and D-Madness on the bass, everybody. Tonight's drawing from the great Ryan J. E. Belt is in of our guest Tom Papa. Every print of every episode is available

at RyanJEBelt.com He draws every episode of the show since its inception, including Volume 3 of the brand new Kill Tony the Book. I have Volumes 1 and 2 at my home and now Volume 3, newly released. I mean, it's absolutely incredible.

For those of you that are fans of the show, you're going to want one. So just get one. And yeah, thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, White Claw, Red Bull and the W Hotel, where now you can use the promo code Kill Tony for 25% off Sundays and Mondays. Live audience, thank you so much.

Thanks, guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.