KILL TONY - #550 - RICH VOS + WILLIE HUNTER

Episode Date: March 25, 2022

Rich Vos, Willie Hunter, William Montgomery, Ellis Aych, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/14/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Created by and starring Jak Knight, Langston Kerman, Sam Jay and Chris Redd, Bust Down isinspired by the crew’s real-life chemistry, conversations, and friendship. The result is anirreverent, offbeat, unpredictable swirl of hijinks and absurdity. Bust Down is streaming now, only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad dot TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also. So go to Death Squad dot TV and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is shopsquad.tv.

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Make some noise for the great Brian Red Band. He invented podcasts. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Yellow Rose and the Red Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world. They're here in Austin, Texas. Isn't that crazy? How cool is that? How about a hand for the band, everybody?

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Hello there, responsible adults over the age of 21, living in states where Delta 8 is legal. You want to get high, really high, really super duper legally high? Well, then now it's time to go to yodelta.com. That's right, Yo Krayt. I'm one of the best supporters of this show. Just launched Yo Delta,

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Every single week, I have two of the funniest guests in the world, two of the great comedians of our time this week. Really, really, really special one. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the greats, Rich Boss and Willie Hunter. How cool is that? New York icon,

Rich Boss from Tough Crowd from the Rich Boss Rose. Willie Hunter, the Carmichael show. Comedy store paid regular. Willie Hunter and I

started together, Rich Boss. You've been one of my favorite comedians since I was a little kid. This is so amazing. I couldn't sell this many tickets in a month. It's fucking amazing. Fucking awesome. This is unbelievable.

Relax, give me, give me. I was gonna get to them next. Look at how dumb founded people from New York and L.A. are when they come to Texas and come to see a real fucking comedy show. Am I right? My friends here are like, wow, look at all this.

Where are the masks? I went, where's the tears? I was working, I was working Texas when you were sitting yellow in a diaper, okay? Actually, you were working Texas before I was born, for sure. I mean,

yeah, Rich has been around for a while. The young buck, Willie Hunter, however, we started together same class over at the comedy store. Door guys together. Dude, you remember when I was the Iron Patriot on the early episode? That's true. Die Hard fans, yeah.

So was Tiffany Haddish and Jesus Christ, Kevin Lee Light. No, you literally was. Brody. We had him. So rock and roll, I'm glad you guys are here. Of course, Rich Boss from My Wife Hates Me, Willie Hunter getting residual checks

because he is the creator of The Carmichael Show. Yeah, go buy it so I can have that money. What's that on? Peacock or something? No, View Master. You can buy it on the I think it's on Lulu and Netflix.

All right, well, we're going to watch a bunch of stand-up comedians together. You guys have both done this show before, you know how it works. A bunch of people signed up for the opportunity to do a minute tonight. You know their time is up and that means they're wrapping up then or they're also going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Which is essentially

just a really loud sound that immediately cuts off whatever they're saying because the format of the show is that they do a minute. After that minute's up, I interview them, we find out more about them, try to find out what makes them special. I'm going to ask one more time. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show tonight?

Perfect. Then we will do so with one of our regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, to get things started, make some noise for the great and powerful Hans Kim, everyone. A brand new minute from Hans Kim. How lucky are we?

Hey. I don't understand it when people tell me to mind my own business because that's not even how business works. There's a lot of minding other people's business and business. It's called Corporate Espionage. I'm not really good at talking to women.

They're always like, what's your favorite color and what street did you grow up on and what's your mother's maiden name? Are we trying to fuck or are you trying to recover my email password? I've never been like fucking. I've been like, man, I want to come but I don't know what street she grew up on.

I'm pretty good at coming. And I'm not just saying that because women are bad conversationalists. They're not. If you listen to their whole story it makes sense at the end why they included so many details. Even if I was trying to fuck dudes I wouldn't want to chat to them all day

because no one's more interesting than their genitals feel. I don't care if you're Walt Whitman. Get back there. Start licking. Thank you. Wow. Alright. Hell yeah.

What are you wearing? It's from Kohl's. You are adorable. You're the sweetest thing. How about one more time for Hans, everybody? Up here. He's autistic, folks. It's not just Asian. He's autistic, too.

How's life going, Hans? It's going fabulously. Tell us about it. I recently was able to rent a room in a house. I bought an inversion table. What do you mean an inversion table? It's a table that flips you upside down. You just put your arms up and then...

You finally moved into a place after living in your car for months and months and the first thing you got was an inversion table? Hanging upside down? Yeah. What? Damn, John Deese. He's into hanging upside down.

Alright. This is all new to me. How often do you do this, Hans? Probably three times a day. Oh my goodness. Is this what happens when you eat too many bats? What is it? Because he's Asian? I have a question.

To be honest, please. I haven't jerked off upside down. Yeah. That seems like a bad idea. It's like Russian roulette. Your jokes were so funny. But here's a little tip. Never run to the stage.

None of these people run to work in the morning. You know what I mean? Don't be so excited because your jokes walk up like you fucking owned a place. He is right. I just noticed. You always come up like you just got called up on a game show or something like that. Yeah.

You know, you see... Higher or lower? Higher or lower? You see... There it is. Oh my goodness. He always comes up like he was hoping to go up but he doesn't know that he's going to go first. Yes.

Every single episode. I hope he calls my name that I want! You'll see these comics before they go on their shadow boxing. If you were having heart surgery and you looked up and you're surging with shadow boxing, you're probably going to die.

So what I'm saying is walk up cool and what I loved about you, you didn't talk about being Irish. You know what I mean? 100% he did not. Hans, what else has been going on in your personal life this week? I always like finding out the dirty details of Hans Kim.

You're always so honest. You always overshare. I've been having regular sex with a Ukrainian woman. Whoa! Damn! Wow! Oh my goodness! Gracious!

That's the worst thing to happen to Ukrainians this week! Thank you, Russia! Wow! Now, when you're upside down on your inversion table, have you ever tried to eat pussy doing that? She's been on my inversion table but I wanted to keep it normal.

I didn't want to do anything weird. I just... I wanted to get her on the bed. But you did have those thoughts at one point. Yeah, I was like, I could definitely finger her right now. Wow! Look at that. Old honest Hans over here. Old honest Hans is out, everybody.

Tony, it's true. I did think about fingering her. Just an innocent upside down friend of yours. Look at that. Do you run to your inversion table? No. I should stop doing that. Thank you. I'm like a little innocent, you know, child. In my fantasy, you are.

Rich bosses here, ladies and gentlemen. I love it. So, when did you start? Do you like have a fetish where someone has to their country to be invaded? How long have you been with this Ukrainian girl? Since the New Year.

I met her at the New Year's show and we made out. She's the girl that I made out and fingered in the alleyway. Oh, that's it. Was the New Year's show on the Russian border? Hans, what else? Anything else we need to know about?

I, you know, I hung out with Haia. Haia. You're so Asian, dude. Even when you're in between saying things, you're literally just saying Asian shit.

Haia. Have you had, because you were so proud of the Ukrainian nationality, do you have like a big map where you just pinned the country you fuck? Not yet. I just have an American flag

there you go. Let him know you're one of the good ones. Leave no doubt. I'll tell you though, your jokes were really fucking funny, man. Thank you, Rick. They were funny for, I mean, for you. Now he's great. He gets every show started. How about a hand form with the brand new minute? Hans Kim, everybody.

And like that, the show has begun. But now is where things get interesting because now we meet a complete stranger who's going to be trying their absolute best to make you laugh for a minute. Could be a brand new comedian. Somebody signed up that could be

a local legend. Your first comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Rachel Oaks. Rachel Oaks, everyone. Here she comes, everybody. Rachel Oaks. You guys having fun out there yet? Sweet.

One more time for Rachel Oaks, everyone. How's it going, guys? I think parenting is a lot harder now that you're expected to keep all your kids alive. Think about it. 60, 70 years ago, to about the beginning of humanity,

you could only know so much, and there was so much more that could kill you, let alone a dumb baby. Infection, broken bones, stupidity, and it was such a shared experience that you would wait to name a kid until he was a few years old. Just so you wouldn't get too attached, and

so you wouldn't waste a good baby name. There was no such thing as a bad parent 100 years ago. You can pick anybody you want. Mine is Casey Anthony. If Casey Anthony had been a mom 100 years ago, and she told a bunch of other moms that her baby had died, this is exactly how it would go.

Oh no, what happened? Xanax. That's fancy. We've been just giving our kids whiskey and morphine. Did you name her? Aw, shouldn't have named her. I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea. I don't want to kill kids. For me, it really depends on the kid.

I'll wrap it up there. Rachel Oakes, everybody. There you go. Welcome to the show, Rachel. This is your first time on here, correct? Awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Since February. Since February. Awesome. What do you do for work? I'm getting an energy of

a pedicab driver or something like that. Something hippie-ish. No, I wish. It's really boring. Right now, I work bookkeeping. So, lots of comedy about it. Bookkeeping. Okay. Do you ever wear glasses? Yeah, I do.

I can't picture a bookkeeper not wearing glasses, right? I mean, you have to. I'm wearing glasses. I hope you can see. Very good. Interesting. You just turned into Garth from Wings World. Congratulations. I love it.

Rachel, what made you want to start doing stand-up comedy? I've been writing jokes for a long time and just thought I'd give it a shot. I love it. What else do you do for fun? Any other hobbies or anything? I just started doing longboarding. I've been trying to do some new things and every time I feel a little bit more confident, so I thought why not...

What were your old things? My old things. I don't know, looking awesome. What? Looking awesome, being cool, having friends. I don't know, smoking weed, whatever I want. Do that every once in a great while. Looking awesome. Alright, forget it. That's right.

I'm going to say, I think you look awesome. And just... I'm going to say... That was really weird. Have you ever been to a Hampton Inn? Uh... Here's... Listen...

I mean, I'm only in town for two nights, but listen to me... Here's the thing I liked about her because I love dark humor and it's tough just to come out and start... Like, if you were doing 15 or 20 minutes then you get into the dark humor.

You don't open up and, hey, I love killing babies. Uh... But... You see what I'm saying? It's gay. If I have to get an abortion, I'm coming to Texas to do it. I'll help, but... Shiminy crickets. This is the first ever Me Too

on a live podcast before. This is very exciting. I'm gay! Uh... I'm just seeing if she has any... I'm just seeing if she has any little brothers. I, uh... Rachel, do you have a boyfriend or something like that?

I have a husband. Wow! How long have you been married for? I got married last year. Sweet! What does he do? He, uh, is going to school to become a doctor. Oh, wow. Does he have a long way to go? He doesn't know yet. Depends.

If he tries to be a gynecologist, are you going to talk about it? I totally go to my husband. What was your question? I missed it. Yeah, it wasn't that. Have you ever seen a gynecologist give directions like, you go that way?

Then... That's a visual. So, since you're married, I think we could wrap this up. Uh... Appreciate it. Oh, my God. Do you have any special talents, Rachel?

Uh... I don't know. You seem like the type of person with those, like, things on a string where, like, you do, like, some crazy show or something. Get in shape, girl. Neon lights or something. Sure. I could definitely try that. I'm really good at telling people, like,

you got something on your shirt right there. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. If you were a boy, Willy Hunter would be fucking you up right now. I know. Oh, my God. I hate it when people do that shit.

I hate women. I would have slapped her. Come on. Do it for equality, right here. Have you ever been to New Jersey? No. You know, most comedians, when they write their jokes, they're inspired by things. What inspired you

to write all those jokes? Uh, well, I don't have a kid, thank God. Um, I don't know. I just, uh, I really like the idea that Casey Anthony is a good mom would be a funny joke, and I... I respect that. And it worked with a couple other jokes,

like, I don't understand why it's okay to put down a dog when he bites someone, but not a kid. You really hate kids. Oh, yeah. And dogs. Why do you think you hate kids so much? I don't. I just think the jokes are funny. Really? You haven't had, like,

a bunch of miscarriages or something like that? Like, you're not like, fuck kids, I'm not even gonna think about kids again. You're lucky your mom didn't think about you. Oh, I am. I am. You know, my daughter the other day in the car, she said,

take me to Burger King, I said, no. And she said to me, she goes, you're worse than Hitler. I go, Hitler didn't take 6 million people to Burger King. I'm just not taking you. What?

Hell, yeah. I'm sure there's a chop-roll joke about that. Oh, my God. Rachel, I never got an answer out of you on the special skills of talents. I bailed you out on that sweet thing. I bailed myself out on that.

But you didn't, because here we are. I know. I'm back. I still don't have an answer for you. I don't know. I mean, special... Like, I mean, like any party tricks or anything like that. You good at anything in particular? Like, you ever do any art

or sometimes collect plants and then I will draw them and try to make them look as much like each other? I never said it was special. You come home and your husband has an inversion table. I love it, Rachel. Congratulations. You started in February.

You're very likable, very charismatic. I'm sure I'll see you around. There's Rachel Oaks, everybody. Very good. Here, have a joke book. That's from the great Bonesye. That's a real handmade leather joke book

by a real artist that makes joke books. Formally, a taxidermist. So, I mean, he's still a taxidermist, but he also makes shit out of leather. Look him up on Instagram under the name Bonesye with a Z in the middle.

Alright, make some noise for your next comedian, Dallas Briggs, everyone. Dallas Briggs. A lot of people get custom stuff from Bonesye, like, uh... Yeah. Alright. One more time, make some noise for Dallas Briggs.

Hey, hi, thanks. So, I was walking out of the grocery store the other day and I saw this big, fat homeless man. I felt real bad for him, you know? I decided to help him out. I gave him a couple bucks.

I said, here you go, buddy. Go get yourself some crack. And I know, I know, you're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to give him money for crack. You're supposed to go out and buy the crack and then give the crack directly to them so that they don't spend the money on food.

I had places to be. This is my first time in Texas. My name really is Dallas. I tell people my name's Dallas and they go, are you from Dallas? And I'm like, no, that's not how people name kids.

But, uh... Yeah, I've been in Dallas for today and I'm like, they could have named me Tyler or Austin. I mean, I'm glad they didn't go with fucking Kyle.

But... Dallas Briggs! Fuck yeah. First of all, cool name. Welcome to the show. Hey, thanks. So where are you from? You said this is your first time to Texas? Uh, yeah, I'm from Utah.

Grew up in Southern Utah. I live in Salt Lake right now. Oh, okay. All right. Salt Lake's fun. You perform at Wise Guys? Yeah, I, uh... MCed a couple shows there last weekend. Okay. And how long have you been on stand-up? About four years now.

Four years. Look at you. You love it, right? Uh... Why do you think that's your answer? Uh... I mean, I've had... I've met people that I love. My best friends in the whole world, I've met through doing stand-up. So I love that aspect of it.

But... No. Do you make money doing it? What do you do for a living? Uh, I do audio video for events. I travel around. That's how I'm here. Okay. Yeah. All right. What other things do you have planned on your trip to Texas?

Uh, I'm just in San Antonio. My friends work in a pest control gig for the next couple days. So we're just going to hang out there. A pest control gig? Yeah, he works a pest control gig. Who's your roommate? No, he's not... I used to live with him. He's just an old high school friend.

All right. Yeah. And he, like, goes and sprays, like, shit? Yeah, he goes and sprays houses. Okay. Tony, do you know what pussy-magnets pest control guys are? I could picture that.

I could see how that would be. Uh... You know what's so crazy? Because you don't want to do stand-up. That's what you're saying. No, I do. I mean, I'm doing it now. Obviously, I... Yeah, you seem sort of angry about it.

Yeah, like, who the fuck, you know? You don't have to do it. I don't know what else to do. It's kind of... You don't play any instruments or anything like that? Uh, yeah, I play bass and saxophone and clarinet.

Wow. You just love naming instruments. We don't have, huh? You don't have a bass? Yes. Uh, it's funny you mentioned, Tony. I play the bassoon. Yeah. Yeah. You know what's scary?

A comic that hates doing what he does with a backpack on? Uh... Yeah. You know... Did you backpack from Utah to get here? No, I flew.

You didn't have to really answer that. You had good jokes for somebody who doesn't like what you're doing yet. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, four years in. You're doing jokes, absolutely. Tell us more about your actual life, Dallas. What about you or your parents or your family or your history or something?

A fun fact about Dallas Briggs that would surprise us. A fun... I had testicular torsion a couple years ago. Whoa! You got your nuts twisted. Huh? You got your nuts all twisted in a bunch. Just the righty.

Wait, so what happens? It just did its own thing? What did it do? Uh, I mean, I don't really know. I woke up at like four in the morning one Sunday. You didn't ask what happened to your balls? Well, I mean, I know... I don't know how it happened. What happens is your vein gets twisted

and cuts off the blood flow to the nut. Oh, my God. And then it swells up like a big ol' avocado. I got a video if you want to see. Now, that's... Such comedy. Wow. So what did they have to do?

They cut my nuts open and straightened out the vein and sewed it back up. Is it like a pistachio? Did they like crack it down the middle or something like that? No, I got a scar right beneath the base of my shaft is where they went in. Can we see it?

Yeah, if you want. Is that legal? No. If you want to see the video. Right. Well, we'll send it to Red Band after the show. But they also... We'll put it into the YouTube version of it. They had to. With some like blurry...

What do they call that, blurry stuff? Blur. Have you ever thought about being a motivational speaker? No, but that is a bizarre occupation now that I think of it. You don't have to answer everything. Let's go back to this nut real quick. Yeah. Now, before you hook up with a girl or guy,

I don't know. Do you tell them or do they find out on their own? Well, that hasn't happened since the... Well, I mean... It happened the week of. And so they knew. Damn, what did you have? Like stitches?

Yeah, the doctor told me... They said don't jerk off or have sex for a week and I did both twice in that week. Wow. Why? Look at you. From bustin' nuts to bustin' stitches over here. You couldn't just wait a little bit?

No? I don't know. I don't always know which questions to answer. Well, I... How much do you jerk off per day on average right now? Per day on average about once. It depends. Sometimes I don't have time with the job.

It's... It takes up a lot of time and all that, but... You see, you had stitches... You had stitches below the base of your shaft and above your balls. Not above the... It's on the balls. It's right where the shaft meets the sack. The roots.

They were like the self-dissolving ones. So the suture just dissolved. So I didn't have to go in and get the stitches taken out. Do you think that perhaps your balls were kind of snitched on somebody at some point for them to have to get stitches?

Like they did. Stupid. Shut the fuck up. I mean... It's an off night for me, all right? I'm letting Rich run the fucking thing, all right? Listen, no, I mean... Compared to... Compared to Anthony Bourdain, you seem happy.

Wait, what? How did we bring innocent, great Anthony Bourdain into all this? No, I love it. Has anyone ever told you that you look like if Jon Snow had leukemia? No, I've not got that one. That's what I would say if I had to say something.

Should I let the hair down? Is that a better look? Oh, shit. What's it going to be now? Whoa! Whoa! It's Jesus Christ with leukemia, everybody. I do get Jesus a lot. I have dressed up as Jesus. It's a lot of fun.

Dallas, good set. Welcome to Kill Tony. You did it. You survived. Take a big jokebook. That's from the great Bones Eye. Let's keep it moving along here. Let's get another bucket pull up here. See what happens. Eddie Mack is next. Here, live. Kill Tony, Austin, Texas.

How many of you like going comedians do good on this show? How many of you like going comedians do bad on this show? One more time for Eddie Mack, everybody. Here he is. Eddie Mack. Yo, so my name is Eddie. I'm from Ireland. In case it wasn't obvious from the red hair and the pale skin.

So I'm half Irish, half black. Because I guess black is a nationality now. My father is from Ireland and my mother is from black. I grew up, I grew up Catholic. I had to quit being a Catholic and when I found out that my priest was a racist

yeah, it turns out he was only fucking the white kids. Guys, relax, relax. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking, of course. I'm joking, guys. He fucked me as well. How much time I got?

10 seconds. Call it at that. Okay, 5 seconds left. He's ending the set. Eddie Mack, welcome, welcome. Tony, pleased to meet you. The people love you. To be honest with you, it's sort of sad.

I was distracted running the show behind the scenes for your entire set. So I have no idea what you did, but I know that you did really fucking good. So congratulations. At least the audience likes you. They might have a bad sense of humor, though. I'm not exactly sure. They haven't won me over completely yet.

Do you always perform with headphones on? Sorry? Do you always perform with headphones on? No, I just got called up in a rush, sir. Right, because those look like they actually need a wire connected to them to work. They don't look like Bluetooth. Am I correct? You're familiar with Bluetooth, yes.

That's not... Nobody asked that. Thank you. I know I'm familiar with Bluetooth. Thank you. What I asked was, is those look like the kind of headphones that you need to actually...

Thoop. Plug a thing into. Or those JBL Bluetooth headphones that I haven't seen before. That's exactly what they are, Tony. Wow, very good. Has anyone ever told you you look like a young Rocky Maivia? Not the rock, Rocky Maivia.

That's exactly where he became the rock. That's exactly what he looked like. It's just for pro-wrestling fans. Imagine if we get you on enough fucking testosterone and clean you up, get you some fucking Disney money and an Invisalign, we will make you the rock in no time.

We could make you the rock. I've seen it before. I was a pro-wrestling fan before the rock was the rock. He was Rocky Maivia and he came out. If you smell what the rock is cooking and he had fucking headphones on. It's just so great. DNA is so amazing.

You're half black and Irish. Yeah, half Irish, half black, sir. And I'm fully black, but I'm lighter than you. Yeah, that's kind of fucked. Willie, what would you call somebody who's half black and half Irish? A leprechaun. Wow.

This is what we do. This old-school comedy store fucking Jedi. Harlem Globetrotter fucking. Jordan Pippin. That was teamwork there because that was written by Rich Boss. Yeah!

Listen. I... Listen to me. Say it. And the joke was so good that I had to find a way to get there. I respect that, but I was ready for it.

You can't get canceled. You didn't say it. And again, if you want to cancel somebody for that, it is Willie Hunter. Willie I.E. And the thing is, I could have said it but I can't hurt my career anymore

than it's been heard. Do you do stand-up in Ireland? No, sir. I came up in Czech Republic. Oh, yeah, that was my second question. Yeah. The fuck? Hell, yeah. How long were you in the Czech Republic for? Approximately three years, sir.

Wow, look, the Irish came out there. Say the number three again. Tree. Whoa. Oh, over the rainbow. My Irish. Hey, what's up? I'm over the rainbow. All right.

I'm not really known for my impressions, all right? We all have different skill sets. I... I'm Irish. You know what? I think this is all bullshit. Say ax. Ax.

All right. What do you mean? Oh, ask. Oh, you just want to see how black he was. Wow. I'm just... I should cancel myself at this point. What?

I should just call myself one of the good ones at this point. I believe I brought you up to that credit. Uh... I love it. Man, you're a real talent. How long have you been on stand-up? A bit over a year. It's hard to tell with COVID, sir. Okay, what do you do for work?

Stand-up comedy, sir. That makes sense. Okay. If you could make a living doing it, I... I think you're like if Trevor Noah was funny. So I think... I see a lot in your future. Thank you. I appreciate it. The horse of truth has been activated.

All right. So what else about you? What do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? I like playing a lot of music, sir. Really? What kind of music do you play? Well, it's a mixture of all genres. I play a lot of piano, a fair bit of bass. I'm trying to learn guitar at the moment. Shit. Look at you.

How long have you been playing piano for? Since before I could walk. Really? Holy shit. God damn. I mean, John, what do you think about this? Can we get a little something, you think? I know it's a big deal. We're in Austin, Texas.

The music capital. Hold on. All right. The music capital of the world. It's a big deal for a professional musician to let somebody use their stuff, sir. Absolutely. I want to hear you play guitar. Ah.

I want to... Hell yeah. Here he is. Making his... Is this your first time playing music in Austin? Did you say moved here? I don't even remember. Here he is. Eddie Mack, everybody. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's Charlie Brown Dance. Charlie Brown Dance. He plays. He is indeed half white. How are your balls? That was good. That was good. Incredible.

The ladies must love that, right? Sometimes, yes. You're like Bruno's sub-pars. What's the longest set you've ever done? Sorry, for about 15, 20 minutes. I'd love to have you open up for the secret show Wednesday. Whoa. Wednesday night.

You just got a real comedy gig. And here... Take one of these, too. That's a real Texas leather joke book. There he goes. Eddie Mack, everybody. There he goes. There he goes. Eddie Mack, dreams coming true.

Here. Live in front of your very, very, very own faces. All right. We have another regular on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy made a regular just a couple months ago, only performs when David Lucas isn't here.

And we've been watching some highs and lows. It's always interesting. You never know what you're going to get from the great Ellis H, everybody. Austin! Whoo! Oh!

Ski, ski, ski, ski, ski, ski. Oh, because he got down. Yeah, that's, uh, Kanye West in therapy. He's, uh... Look, I'm getting older, man. I'm not into the same shit that I used to be into.

You know, like, like, road head. I don't like that. It's dangerous. Especially when your girl driving. You feel me, you know? She out here swerving and shit. I'm like, hey, stop! I'm feeling a lot of teeth, baby.

You know, you ain't trying to peel no carrot. Man, but, you know, she kept going. She went through three school zones, a girl's a keeper. Unlike my ex, you know what I'm saying? She's a dirty bitch. But, ladies and gentlemen, the signs were there, you know. She told me, you don't want to date me. I got really bad anxiety.

But instead of, like, heating the one, and I'm all horny and shit, like, you got anxiety? What, you on Zola, bitch? But, y'all, that bitch had bad anxiety. I mean, her service dog needed a service dog. Every time I seen the motherfucker, he looked like he needed a cigarette juice. Whoo!

Hell, yeah, LSH. I did, I did! Fuck, yeah, you did it again. How do you feel about that? It was good. It was good. Better than last week. Hell, yeah. What else has been going on in life? What have you been doing this week since the last time we saw you?

Man, I'm just trying to... I'm looking into getting a new job. Yeah. What are we looking for? What kind of job do you want? What are you good at? I'll get you a job right now, guaranteed. What are you hired from somebody in the audience right now? Just tell me what you want to do.

Well, I graduated with a BFA in theater with a minor in mass communication with the folks in electronic media. BFA? What's that? A big fucking ass? I do have a relatively big booty. And I'm friendly. I will not make it in jail. I will be someone's girlfriend by accident. Absolutely.

Hell, yeah. 100%. This guy's going in, he's dropping all the shampoo, conditioner, and the soap. Oh, no. I'll be like, oh, man, here you go. You know what? Shit. Shit happens. Shit happens. I love buying jewelry.

And I have looked high and low. Where can I get a rubber band bracelet like that? Oh, you can just go to Walmart. It's like $2.99. He does. Ellis, I mean, you always set us up. It's always interesting. You have the worst style out of anybody.

Hey, look. Anybody. I ain't got shit to prove up here. Yeah, you do. What the fuck are you talking about? That's exactly what you have to prove up here. It sounded cool for a second, though, didn't it? He's like, dad, motherfucker.

Why do you think your style's so bad? It just, I'll be getting off work, dude. Like, I'll be driving. I'm like, fuck, I got to go kill Tony. And I just don't change. No, but I'm going to switch. I'm going to quit because the gas is too high. So what job do you want?

You didn't answer the question. You have a BFA in something. In what? In theater arts. Oh, that's perfect. There's no better money-making industry in the world than the theater arts. Good job.

Is that where they taught you how to dress? All right. Can you do a scene from Shakespeare? He's the tempest-like, series-most bounteous lady. Not bad, right? A little... I was going to re-enact Poo-D-Tain.

Which is... Can you? What a time, baby. Nah, I'm just fucking around. Can you show us a little bit of your theater training? Seriously, like, we know that you're an actor. We've talked about it before. What are you going to do?

What's the character? Like, what should we look for? What the fuck are you talking about? I don't want to do this shit. Why? Why, shut the fuck up! You turn the red in the face. Shut the fuck up! No, I'm dead ass. Y'all think it's a fucking game! That was my William Montgomery impression.

Very good. It's very good. All right. This is good. Yeah, I'm fucking cool. There was a second. There was a second where I'm like, oh, no. I was nervous.

And then I'm like, oh, he's good. Holy... There's 500 white people here that got scared. Yeah. But mine was a different scared. I didn't know which side I had to be on because he's black. Right. Our side, by the way.

Our side. Now that we're talking about it, oh, I'll be on our side. Wow, that was good, Alice. Thank you. Can you do any characters other than Mad and Ready for Revenge? I can do... I can be Irish.

Okay. Top of the morning! Oh, my God. Irish and gay. Incredible. More like bottom of the morning, am I right? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That's a bad Irish.

I can't believe that's your number two. Yeah. I could do a little bit of cockney. You know what I'm saying? I came over and got a little black pudding. Is anybody from Winchester? Nobody, fuck, are here. If I heard you out in public doing that,

I'd be like, this guy's doing a fake accent. We're gonna have a Winchester. Hell yeah. But you did. You have a degree in acting. Yeah. Wow, so what do you... It sucks. It's all this money and it's just following my dreams.

I'm just broke as shit. How broke are you? How broke truly are you? I'm like, negative $35 and shit. I gotta go fund me for me. I was looking at Joe Rogan eating ribs with him and I said, I'm still broke as shit. I'm broke by regular people's standards.

Like, somebody at Domino's like, you need to get your shit together, my brother. You fucking up. Yeah, but, you know, I'm rich in spirit, so that... Oh, wow, look at that. Looks like you're in the plus. Hey, I appreciate it.

Oh, we just got word. He just bought a new bracelet with it. Every day. Hell yeah. It's a joke about the rubber band from earlier. It's black and they spend their money quickly. Get it right, people. Anybody else, I'll be taking donations. Hell yeah.

Listen, please, please, God, don't OD with the money I gave you. Dude, I don't know, man. I love Coke, man, so... I might buy me a 12-pack tonight. I don't know. Oh, you son of a bitch. Have you ever thought about

moving to LA or New York to really get into acting hardcore? Because I'm sure it's hard to do it here. Yeah, I don't know. I just don't fucking like LA. It's dirty. But I want to go to Atlanta eventually sometime in the near future. That's big for entertainment.

Where? Atlanta. Atlanta. Oh, jeez. No, for those shows, yeah. What? What does that mean? What did you say? I missed it. The Walking Dead? The Walking Dead. Okay, I'll give you that.

You're right, that was... Alice, you are so charismatic, so likable. You dress like you had no idea that you were going to be on the show tonight. It's incredible how... Incredibly unprofessional that is. And you definitely can do

the Corey Hockham story. These guys don't know that show. It's a good one. Do some research. Would you work for Tyler Perry? Yeah, I would, but I ain't putting on no dress for nobody. I'm not fucking around. Give me my $10 back.

No, go buy some socks. Okay. How about one more time for the great Alice H, everybody? Hey, God bless y'all. Thank you. We're having fun here tonight. Back to the bucket we go. Up next, Ant Perez.

Ant Perez. Ant... Perez. Hell, yeah. All right, one more time for Ant Perez, everybody. What's up, everybody? I know y'all heard the last name Perez.

Thought the guy coming up here would be more Hispanic than this, but... Surprise. I'm just quarter-reakin'. It's a little bait-and-switch for ya. I'm just sorta-reakin', you know? I could probably use a little more to-reakin' if we're being honest.

Like, my biggest beef with ice is when it's in my orange juice, you know? Like, I'm the type of Hispanic that, like, Disney would cast in a movie about Mexico, you know? I, uh... I used to love Valentine's Day. I thought I was conceived on Valentine's Day

and I recently found out that, uh, that's not the case. I was actually conceived at some point between February 1st and 9th. So no Valentine's Baby. I was just a Super Bowl baby. How about that, you know? Yeah, in the 90s at that. It's like the Buffalo Bills and my mom were getting spanked

at the same time. There we go. Ladies and gentlemen, A-N-T Perez. Welcome, Ann. How are ya? I'm great. Hell yeah. How long you been on stand-up? Uh, just under a year and a half.

Sweet. All of it here in Austin? No, I'm actually in town with some buddies from Virginia. Oh, okay. How long you guys in town for? Uh, we came in yesterday. We're staying for about a week and a half. Okay. Did you guys drive down here? No, we flew. Right. From Virginia.

Uh, I work. I sell phones. All right. Like rotary phones? Are you the Verizon guy? You said, who? Anyway, uh... It's Virginia. Rotary phones?

Yeah, it's Virginia. I have a joke. All right. Okay. What kind of phones are we talking about? Uh, smartphones. Right. Well, why would any human need to sell those? What do you mean? What exactly are you doing? You going around like, hey, you need a phone? You need a phone? No.

You work for a specific company, like a carrier? Yeah, it's like a Verizon retailer. Okay. Gotcha. But it's not. We know it's not Verizon. It's not Corporal. It's not. So it's T-Mobile. It's Cricket. No, it's okay. I love it. You've been doing stand-up for a year and a half?

Yeah. Okay. And your friends from Virginia, they all do stand-up too? Yeah, we all sign up tonight. Oh, okay. Part of the Virginia gang. What airline did you guys fly? United. United. Do you notice anything weird about their policies? Yeah.

They played, like, a safety video on, like, what to do in case of an emergency before we get on. But, like, I don't, you know... What am I supposed to do? Well, that's exactly what they're explaining to you in that video. If you simply would have paid attention to the video,

they actually, uh, literally... That is a fucked-up plane to be on, right? If there's an emergency... Fuckin' from Virginia. What the fuck do you want me to do? What am I supposed to do? What the fuck do you want me to do?

What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? Interesting. Did you notice a lot of, uh... like, what, uh...

like, dumb people on your flight? I mean... Yeah. It's interesting, because you have a very, very smart face. You have the face of a guy that, like, runs his own phone company or something like that. You have, like, the comfort level. You have, like, CEO energies.

Sort of. You have, like, weird techie. Like, you look like every guy that's here for South by Southwest. Yeah. But your haircut, you look like a Roman nickel. Uh... When... When you go down on a girl,

do you go, I bring you news from the north? They like that. We're all laughing about Rich thinking this guy goes down on girls, right? Are we all laughing at the same thing? Here's what you could do if a plane is crashing. Do your material so they don't care about dying.

Oh, my God. I'm only kidding. It was great. Yeah. What's the Virginia comedy scene like? I've never performed that before. It's cool. I mean, we have a couple clubs out there. I'm out closer to Virginia Beach, so... Out there by Virginia Beach.

What's the name of that comedy club? There's a funny bone out there. Oh, wow. Okay. And you work for a phone carrier. What do you do for fun out in Virginia? What do you guys do? Like a reenact a confederate battle or whatever? No, that's Richmond, not Virginia Beach.

Oh, okay. All right. I do stuff, man. I go out, hang with comics. What type of stuff? Just out of curiosity. Like, all if I shoot guns, I light off a lot of illegal fireworks. No, man. What do you do?

Watch sports. I don't really play them anymore. No shit. Yeah, right. What sports did you play? I actually, I used to race if you call that a sport, like stock cars. Oh, okay.

I thought you were talking about foot race for a second. No, I'm not very fast. Stock cars? Wow. How'd you get into that? My dad had a lot of money and then when I started doing racing, he didn't have a lot of money, so I stopped.

What happened there? How did he have a lot of money and then not have a lot of money? I crashed the car. Oh, he put all of his money into that car? Yeah, he did. That's what you think a lot of money is? Yeah. It might be cricket after all, my friend.

It might be cricket after all. You know what? You might not have crashed a car God damn it. We were rich before this. I'll let you take out my stock car that I put on. Now we're not rich no more. I swear to God, we were rich.

Your dad invested in a stock car. What did your dad do for work? He has his own business. He does like siding, roofing, stuff like that. Okay, absolutely. I love it. What is your love life like, Ant? We all want to know. It's all right. I have two kids.

Whoa! We wouldn't have guessed that. Are they on the way? Are those twins that you're having? No, I'm kidding. I know what it's like, dude. Do their parents know? Yeah, they're aware.

How old are your kids? Seven and four. Wow, okay, and you're still with the mom? No. Same mom, we're just not together. How old are you at that end? In a breakup. Yeah, got that.

Got that. He's so vague about everything. Just short answers like, nah, it's over. Was she cheating on you? No. I don't want to look like the bad guy. Oh shit, it was you. Wow, look at you.

From cricket to stick it. Hell yeah. Can you feel me now? You see your kids regularly, right? You get to see them. Every weekend, except for last weekend, because I was here. You don't bring them to your shows, right?

No, I mean night. You don't want to damage them like that. That's good, you know what? Because I was divorced from my first wife, and this is real. You get to be with your kids as much as you can. Maybe not take a year or 15 years off of comedy.

And raise your kids. You know what I mean? And get me a coffee. Aunt, I love it. And how about since then? You dating anybody new out in Virginia? No, I'm not with anyone now. This guy is a 10 in Virginia, by the way.

I don't know if you guys have been to Virginia. This is like the Tom Cruise of Virginia Beach right here. But he can't count to it. I love it. Aunt, congratulations. Fun set. Thanks, Aunt.

Take one of these. Little joke books. Hell yeah. Something to take back to Virginia. Virginia is for lovers. Seven and four, though. Those little joke books are a choking hazard. I thought that was funny.

Just to show you how different we all are. I thought the choking hazard. All right. Emilio Baboff. Babit? Emilio Babit, perhaps? Could be a T, could be an F. Here comes Emilio.

Here he is. One more time for Emilio, everybody. Hey, what's going on? I've been thinking a lot about rapists recently. You know, we keep him in jail, but I think we could do better. I think there's a better place

we could keep rapists. You know, like, what if we locked him up in bank vaults? You know? That way, if you try to rob the bank, you get raped. You get raped.

You get raped. You get raped. You get raped. You get raped. I'm an Austin guy. I hate Houston. You know, fuck Houston. Fuck Houston!

Ugh. I fucking hate Houston. I was actually reading an article about Houston. Um... You know how when you fart, and it smells really bad for a few seconds, and then it doesn't smell so bad?

Well, the science behind that is if you fart, actually, it takes about three seconds for it to go to Houston. All right, there you go. Emilio Babbitt, everybody. Hell yeah. Emilio, welcome to this show. Have you been to Houston before? Yeah, I was...

I was a Burnett. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. You must be... I thought you were the prime minister of England for a second. I made that joke earlier today on Instagram. You should have done it.

Look at the laugh it got in this room. You should have done it here. I know. I didn't have enough time. I also... That's what I mean because you're a slightly chubbier Ed Sheeran. That's good. How about this one? Have you ever thought about calling yourself

Wrinkle Shirt McJankins? What the fuck, dude? Did you use that shirt to, like, wrap presents in a gift bag or something? Like, it's like he used it as, like, something to, like, put a candle in a bag. And then, like, he's like,

I need a shirt! Whoa! I gotta go to Kelton, the Oblade! Fuck yeah. Clowny-ass motherfucker. Look at this guy. He's just likeable fucking jolly green giant over here. Look at this fucking vitamin D deficient fucking.

I'm looking at your complexion. Are you part scallop? My mom is mashed potatoes. Jesus Christ, when the black man talks about white, he's talking about you. I'm half Cuban, and so in the winters I'll get really white and I went out to tan this year

and it just didn't happen. I just got real. There you go. You're half Cuban? Yeah, I just, I mean, I guess. Yeah. Somebody lied to you. So what? Mama lied to you, my friend.

I always lied a little bit, maybe. Emilio Babbit. And what do you do for work? I'm a waitress. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. How long you been doing that? Uh, like, I don't know. A lot of people.

Years? Months. Months? Okay. What'd you do before that? Um, cook. In restaurants. Yeah. A lot of the people in the restaurant industry are alcoholic sex addicts.

Have you noticed this to be true in your instance? No. Is that supposed to be a funny sarcastic now? Because we're doing an interview right now. So I'm trying to secretly grasp what your actual answer is. No, that's a sarcastic yes. Okay, very good. That's better.

So can you give us an example of that in your life? I'm not a real sex addict. No. Okay, this is the first time that Emilio has ever seen a show that has interviews on it before. This is very exciting.

Are you known for your ad-living? Uh, absolutely not. No, I'm a structured comic. I'm very familiar. Have you seen the new Batman movie? I haven't yet. I want to. You look like the guy that shot up the one. Aurora Colorado.

Like, I would get nervous if you walked in the theater with me. Sorry. Have you seen the new Scream movie? You have the exact same complexion as the bad guy. Uh, the mask. Does your little brother know you have his shirt on?

Emilio, what do you like to do for fun? Uh, comedy. Other than that? So boring. Literally, if we tried to create a more boring... Like, you look like you'd be interesting as fuck. Then you come up here, and you're like, don't want to answer that.

Next. What's her name? Jen Pesaki? What's that chick's name? Saki? Jen Saki? Is that how you say it? You don't say the P at all? She's the worst.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm just getting to the point that you're the worst. Oh, sorry. Is there anything interesting that you want to say before I let you go? You saw the rest of the show. You see how people tell me things, and they're like, I do this, and I do that, and I did this.

I'm just not good at it. I'm bad at ad-libbing. It's not even ad-libbing. It's answering fucking questions. In person. Literally, anybody in the audience could do a better job at the part that you're supposed to do right now. I'm just trying to protect myself.

The format of the show is that the comedians do a minute and then I interview them. You come up here, you just do a minute, and then you go, no. I'm sorry. Me not good at that. I don't want to give you anything. You'll just roast me if I give you anything.

Okay, and you're just here to fucking look cool. Can I get some Oz, please? Nope. There goes Emilio, everybody. Emilio already has a small joke book. I'm sure of it. We're going to keep it moving along. Should we go to this bucket

one more time, huh? Actually, maybe we'll go back to it again, actually. Dave Burrellski is the next on Kill Tony. No. We don't, right? Here we go.

I feel like things are about to pick up here. You guys having fun still? Make some noise for Dave Burrellski. Hi, guys. My name is Dave, and I have a very dark sense of humor. The thing about a dark sense of humor, very similar to an abuse-free childhood.

Not everybody gets it. A lot of good childhoods in the crowd tonight. All right. I don't like dirty talk. I don't like dirty talk. I don't like dirty talk during sex. Kids should have manners.

So I moved to a new city because I was about to have a son, but he died, so even my kids ghost me. So my parents are pastors. It's usually the reaction I get from that statement, yeah. People are like, are they Catholic?

And I'm like, no, dumbass. They couldn't be married and both pastoring together. I mean, don't worry, I was still raped, but my parents, they're some of the good ones, you know? So I used to date this Japanese girl. Go ahead. She's real cute, real kawai. Some might say.

A little aggressive though. Basically decided she wanted to move right in. So I had to sit her down and be like, I don't want her anymore. She didn't really take the hint, so I had to drop the bomb on her a second time. There you go. You can get to that quicker.

I love it. We got to find a way for you to get to that quicker because that's a really good joke. I like that. Thank you. That's a really, really funny, long setup. I was scared the bear was going to cut you off there. I was a little worried about it too, yeah. You're one of the funniest lesbians

I love it. Dave, you look like you're here to cancel Joe Rogan. No, I'm here to steal your Joker painting on the roof. I love it, I love it, I love it. It's on a mural, so you technically can't steal it. It's a lot of chipping. Oh, there's Joe right now.

Joe is phoning in. He does this sometimes out from his castle across the lake. Joe, what do you think about this guy's act? It's the end of the world. Oh, well, there you go. Fair enough, yeah. Which is funny, because you actually

wrote that song, right? It's an R.E.M. joke, everybody. Look at that. Got you. Interesting hairdo. What do you do for work? I'm a bartender. Oh, wow, okay, where at? Anywhere cool? I have yet to completely

land a job here in Austin. But I just, I've literally been here for like 10 days from Philadelphia. What type of bar do you want to bartend at? Are you like a fast-paced bartender? Are you like more like one of those like chill guys? Well, I mean, the job I had right before the pandemic, which just destroyed

the bar scene and comedy scene in Philadelphia. It's like 1984 up there now. Yeah, I don't know if you know this, but that pandemic crushed a lot of scenes everywhere. Yeah, well, just also the one that I happened to be in. But yeah, it was the... And the one that everyone else was in, too.

Also that, yeah. The country shut down for a bit there. Yeah, for all of you. You're like, I don't know if you know this, but the pandemic really affected the art scene in Philly. Yeah. Yeah, we know. No, but I was the like, you know,

beverage director for a craft whiskey distillery. So like craft cocktail kind of stuff is what I was doing for like the past eight years. Okay. Okay, very cool. Red Band thinks that's worthy of the theme from Indiana Jones, everybody. Right.

Good old bartending music, everyone. You say whiskey, he thinks Indiana Jones. Oh, because he's sewing up the microphone cord. That's funny. That's funny, Red Band. How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? Very fun.

Dave Borowski, so you're currently unemployed. What are you doing in Austin if you're unemployed? How's this possible? I came down here to get a job at a bar and do comedy. How long ago did you move here? Like 10 days. Wow. 10 days, and you already have a place to live? Yeah, well, I mean, I had to do that, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. What's your living situation right now? I live in an apartment and a riverside. Right, do you have roommates? Me and my best friend came down who are also best friends. It's fucking adorable. Oh, wow. How many cats did you bring? Just the one.

Really? Yeah, just the one. So there's three cats all living with each other? Wait, did I just miss something? Is it a boy or a girl? I have a boy cat named Dick Grayson because he was a beat up little orphan when I got him and now he's my young ward. I was talking about the roommate. These cat people.

These cat people. I'm like, your roommate, your roommate, a boy or girl. And young Dick Grayson, the third Lord Smithleroy of Conkelroy. Well, you may have heard of him. He has nine fingers on each hand.

No, I live with my best friend Andrew. Special little cat known for jumping up in them. My favorite thing is sometimes he knocks over the box of cereal in the morning. These cat people always just... No, I live with my best friend Andrew. Yeah, so he's a guy, yeah. He has a penis.

I love it. Right. Nanette, I have a question for you. Okay. I don't know because I've never tried to get a job. I mean, is it harder to get a job with green hair? I don't know.

Not as a bartender, right? No, like they like that I look cool and shit. That's a matter of opinion. I truly... And you have some good jokes. I truly, truly was uncomfortable. Why? You.

But what specifically? Rich is a real New Yorker. No. Like a real tough East Coast... Look at his hat. No, I know. I love your wife's comedy. She's great.

I'm not going to fucking marry an unfunny... Fair enough. I don't know what it is. You're likable. Okay. I guess if I was in the SS... Yeah. It really is.

You look like one of the little kids that they put out right at the end in World War II just to take fucking Russian bombs right to the skull. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, there weren't people like that. They look like you. Yeah, that's fair.

What do you do in stand-up comedy? I mean, I drink a lot and play video games mostly. I do a podcast, you know, that stuff. You ever make horrible decisions when you drink? All the time. Can you give us an example of one recently that happened? Well, so this is funny.

So this past Saturday, I for sure got dosed with LSD by an evil hippie. Okay. I mean, with a haircut like that, you're literally asking for it. This is why I don't go around with my glow stick collection

at night time because I don't want to get dosed by somebody that thinks I want that. Yeah, a lot of evil hippies here in Austin. It's wild, dude. They're the angry ones. That's what's weird. Back in my day, the hippies used to be the peaceful ones

and now they're the ones causing all the ruckus. Yeah, yeah. I was trying to cancel my friends and shit. No, I was trying to find where to do like a mic and went to the bathroom. There was a table of evil hippies. Oh, you're a comic. Oh, that's so cool.

I came back, finished my beer, and then about 40 minutes later, I was like, oh, fucking no. I am now blipping in and out of existence on the sidewalk on Dirty Six. Full Mario. Are you walking like Mario? Are you jumping on things like that?

No, no. I just started texting my ex-girlfriend from Philly, which was a terrible idea. She thought it was hilarious, so it's fine. Do you meet a lot of girls being a bartender? I mean, generally, yeah. Yeah. Now is it tough having

17 roommates bringing a girl back to your place? What? You have roommates, you said, right? Just the one. Okay, I'm not really listening to you. Let's go back to this LSD trip. So you're on LSD, you're walking down what?

Sixth Street? Yeah, yeah, I was like chaos around you. What time of the night is it? Um, I'm not entirely sure. Ballpark it. Jesus Christ, these kids tonight. Oh my fucking god. Somewhere in there, you know what I mean? Is it 4 a.m.? Is it 3 in the after fucking noon?

Like 8.30, like roughly 8.30, yeah. And uh, Tony, I can't answer that perfectly correct, so I'm not even gonna try. Wait, I'm having a flashback. 10.35 p.m. Jesus. Okay, so it's dark, it's night time. Yeah, yeah,

and I'm like sure that I'm gonna get arrested. I'm like brand new in Austin. I'm like terrified. I start Texabax Girlfriend, which is a horrible idea. Oh shit. And then I'm like, alright, you know, I've got a little

experience, you know, like I got it together a little bit and was like, okay, I'm gonna go get some some food. And I know just the haircut I'm going to get. Yeah, the young Hitler, yeah. The Hitler Youth haircut, yeah, for sure. No, no, it's better

than that. That was your overall look. The haircut, something completely different. That's fucking whisked grass over there, my friend. That's fucking, that is, that is, you might have one, but that's the haircut of a man that has three cats, I'm telling you right now.

Your cat may be pregnant because with a haircut like that, there might be something on the way. With a haircut like that, let me ask you that, how many how many Yelp reviews do you leave a week? Zero, I don't fuck with that stuff. Really? But you do complain, when's the last time you complained to a manager about something? Never. No.

You're just a guy that purposefully looks like a Karen and never complains. That's so interesting. Have you ever tried getting a job as a pest dispenser? No. Have you seen a new Batman movie? No.

I don't think you would shoot it up. You look like you would work at a movie theater. Yeah, no, no, I haven't seen it yet. I'm trying to get employed before I start spending money. Yeah, you know what I mean. Dave, we're going to find you a job. We're going

to do something very fun here. We have literally tens and tens of friends that are bar owners in the city and I am going to make sure that you get a job tonight. Fuck yeah. There you go. Dave Barowski, everybody. Getting a job in Austin, Texas, because that's

the kind of power that I yield. Have a big joke book. Good job, Dave. You answered questions. I can't tell whether Dave was great or you just went up after Emilio so he seems extra amazing. We have a special treat for you right now, ladies and gentlemen on the show's history

all around the world. We've done this and only eight or nine people ever in the show's history have won a golden ticket which is where the minute in the interview is so perfect that we have to see them every time that they're in town. This is one of those men.

Make some noise for Jared Nathan, everybody. With a brand new minute from Toronto, Canada. Crowd cheers Going to HG

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-by on my mushrooms. Turns a shopping experience into an escape room. I was found

naked. Covered in m-m-m-milk in a cereal aisle. Trying to spell help with alphabet cereal.

I got hungry so I ate H and E. All right, he gives the thumbs up at exactly one minute. Jared Nathan. Crowd cheers Wow. Wow. You did it again. Wow.

These people absolutely love you. Wow. That's the most love he's ever gotten. Yeah, people are starting to catch on. These episodes have been airing, and Jared is a sensation. I love it. That was great.

I mean, when you came up here, the place got so loud. You're the first person I've ever seen get innovation so loud with their own ears. My favorite part of your set is when Rich Voss turned to me at one point and asked, is he mentally handicapped? No!

We've had the best day me and this guy. We golfed earlier. We're out here fucking doing... Fucking jokes. This is incredible. Can you get on a plane with those box cutter lips? You were so fucking good. You blew everybody away tonight.

They're not in your league. Yep. No doubt about it. You're the fucking man. We've seen this before. A 100% batting average, Jared Nathan. So you've actually been in Texas.

For those of you that don't know, you're escaping Canada right now. Eh! Yeah. And when do you have to go back to Canada? Because you're only allowed to be out for so long. On the 29th. It's like having a friend with a bad parent

or something like that. When do you have to be back? On the 29th, I'm going back. Okay, 29th. Do you have a couple weeks? Is that what that is? Yeah. What part of Canada? Toronto?

Toronto? Let me just fast forward this for you. What part of the translator? I know the answer to this one. It's Toronto. Or as he would pronounce it, tss tss tss tss tss tss. Jared.

What did he do for fun this week in Texas? This guy has the time of his life every day. I see him every day out there, I'll beep my horn when he's out there. In the handicap spot, wherever I see him, you know what I mean? I see him all around town.

This fucking guy is always moving. He's out there walking around. Always. Wobbling around like a bowling pin. I was on a movie set on Friday. You went to a movie set? A movie set. Yeah.

Okay. I was introduced to the director. Yeah, the director. The movie I want to shoot next week. And Tony

that are looking for extra, so I'm going to I'm going to put in a good word for you. Are you going to put in a good word for me?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Jared. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity. I hope my schedule isn't busy on any day that they're shooting. You son of a bitch. I love this guy.

He's the best. You're so independent. Are you out here by yourself? No. But Jason Rouse is my support worker. Yes. Jason Rouse, fellow Canadian

comedian takes care of you. You stay on his couch or something like that. Is that right? I will stay on his couch next week. Where have you been sleeping? I hope this isn't a sad answer.

I had a whole tell. What? Who? I love it. Let's drop the sad shit. Let's drop the sad shit.

What else have you been doing in Texas that's fun this week? I dropped some acid after the show on Monday. You did acid? Oh my god. Oh no. Damn. Busy week.

H-E-B-L-S-D-K-F-C. Jesus Christ. You on acid? What the hell is that like? Do you sound like me when you're on acid? I saw lots of flashing lights. Oh, hell yeah.

I'd imagine that's what normal life is like for you people. You know what I mean? I like to think that Alright, well, I mean, if you're gonna go that way, then I... The way nurse rats are treating you Your movies. What did you do on LSD?

What exactly did you do for fun? Where did you see these flashing lights? In my hotel room. I don't fucking go on the street. Fuck that. I'm not that stupid. I spent it in my room. Fuck the people. Fuck that shit. Right.

Absolutely. I've experienced. So, did you do anything in particular in your hotel room? Did you watch something? Did you put something on? Or did you spin in circles? It's a fucking hazard, man. I've actually seen the drool on the inside of your face

and every time you see it. We have a different angle that you guys have. You can't see the actual perspiration. All right, no. I actually forgot to turn on the chanting music

on my... on YouTube before it hits. So, like, have my trip we're trying to... Holy shit, I feel the acid right now. It's kicking in. It's kicking in for me right now.

Can you go lift up the whole stage? Who is? He can bring the house down and lift it up at the same time. It is incredible. I love it. So, Jared, you're here till the 29th.

Do you have anything else fun planned coming up for your stay here in Texas? Killing like a villain. Okay. How do you follow that? Well, yeah, we actually have a method to our madness and we are going to do that.

So, let's see if it can possibly happen. I would love to have you on the show Wednesday also again. Wow. You know, I'm actually doing an already sold-out stand-up comedy show tomorrow night. And, Jared, if you want,

I'll have you do five minutes on that as well if you're not... if you're free. It's good for you. You'll be able to lie to everybody and say you open for Tony Hingeclip at some point. And then, technically, you won't be lying.

It'll be honest. And I also have... I need some rocks moved at my house. Oh. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Jared Nathan, everybody. Lights, lights, lights. Flashing.

I love that guy, Tony. My friend Rich, you asked how can we follow that. I'm telling you, there's only a couple possible ways we could do this. And both of the options are here. Ladies and gentlemen,

former band member here on Kill Tony, here to do a brand-new minute, literally one of the most legendary characters in the history of the show. A force of likeability and hilariousness which we have haven't seen in a long time.

Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand-new minute, this is the return of Jet Ski Johnson, everybody. Oh, shit. Yeah, not as much applause as that stuttering guy. I knew that was going to happen. And yeah, not Jeremiah or Joel,

so sorry. They were like, Jeremiah's here? Anyway, I'm in town for South by. You guys see that festival outside? There's so many famous people. You never know who you're going to see. I wonder if this is what people felt like when they went to Epstein's Island.

Oh, my God. Is that Kevin Spacey? I didn't even know they had boys here. Wow. It's crazy. And is that Prince Andrew? I've never seen a Prince before. That's big for me.

Holy smokes, Bill Clinton, what a lineup. Wow. And Epstein and Ghislaine, Bonnie and Clyde actually. But they never got married. That's sex ring. It was the only ring he'll ever give her. Boom, exactly a minute.

She knows how it's done. Former full-time cast member of the show, Los Angeles' own Jetsky Johnson. Welcome back. Man, I thought they were going to be like, vroom, vroom, vroom. They forget quickly.

Yeah. That guy that got all the applause has only been around for two months. That's all it takes. So if we learn one lesson here in the show business today, it's be retarded. That's it. Truly, you can't follow.

You're a retarded guy, you know what I mean? What are you going to follow him to? All right. Jetsky, welcome back. This is a very exciting interview because it's been absolute years since you've been on this side of the microphone.

Before you were a band member, you were a comedian that signed up for the show. Remind everybody, how long have you been on stand-up? Just ten years. Ten years. Full-time employee of the comedy store. Yeah, I'm working in the lot now.

Whoa! I've never heard of a female lot worker before. Nobody has. Don Beres hates it. Yeah, it seems like a nightmare. I don't want a woman driving my car. Yeah, no, I know. He's the best.

That is a very hard job, but those of you that don't know what we're talking about, the comedy store on the Sunset Strip is a very rare thing on that street called a parking lot. And it is like a little Tetris board.

For people to come in and out, you have to know the schedule, you have to slide, you have to move four cars just to get one car out. It's like a weird... A stressful job ever. It really is. Most of the people that you hear that made it out of the comedy store successfully,

when they worked at the comedy store, it's very hard. I'm not retarded. I work in a lot. My career is over. You just break all the walls down. You're doing it. I've worked a lot.

Oh, for two days, what happened? He stole a car. He stole a car. Actually, I did steal a car. I was trying to steal a comic store for this car. My friend said he needed to ride home and said I'll just take this car. I was trying out the lot.

The comedian comes out with the girl. She goes, hey, you're stealing my car! And I was like... Wow. I still took him home. Well, that wasn't great. I wanted to bring it up. He doesn't want a woman to drive.

I'm like, I would be drunk as fuck moving cars in that lot. And they still let me do it. Yeah, we were all fucked up back then. It was crazy. I was driven by a bunch of people that were completely fucked up in their early 20s.

It was hilarious. It was 15 years ago, though. It's only one-eighth as long as Rich has been doing comedy. Yeah. Rich is like... I used to perform at seros back in the day.

Are you kidding me? When I used to pick up... When I used to pick up... And I go, Moses, are you to do that fucking part-to-see bit tonight? Have you been doing... You've been doing stand-up for 10 years

or parking cars? I didn't get it. You stand up? I've been parking cars... I've been driving since I was 13. But stand-up for 10 years. And you're in a band, too? I played trumpet. I was in a band.

How dare you! You always try to make us look bad publicly. It's so funny. These guys always trying to be like sad pants about it. Well, I was once in a band before... Long before they left me, abandoned me.

Old Tony and Red Band. These old band members, they're fucking jaded as motherfuckers. I like it. I'm kidding. I'm joking. My parents are divorced. I take responsibility. Okay, all right. How do you deal with other productions

at the comedy store? More or less. I've kind of just started working there and I'm just doing stand-up like all the time. I love that. Trumpets my second thing. I'm not going to be like a famous trumpet player. I love that.

Right? Yeah. Yeah, but it's fun. She mixes it in with her stand-up sometimes, right? I remember out on the road, you absolutely crushed with it. Oh, yeah. I'd hold and be like, I'm a hilarious trumpet. I love that. What else, Jetski? Anything else interesting going on?

Um, I just work in there doing comedy and hiking. I'm like, I'm just kind of living the dream and I love coming here. My parents are divorced. So I'm used to, you know, I'll visit you once a year. Exactly. And you come back and you see your... It's perfect. Yeah, whatever this is. Do you, how is Los Angeles

treating you though? Have you ever thought about moving out of there? Are you kidding? I thought about it every day before you guys left. Well, you know, if you want to move out, uh... Red Band's going to buy you a house? What? Oh, my God, Red Band.

That's such an investment. Thank you, Red Band. I agree with whoever said that for the first time ever. Good job. We got our own paths. Maybe if we all chant, thank you, Red Band at the same time. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking.

So what stops you from moving to a whole place with an open economy and every reason to be here? I know I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. Just like when you worked at the Comedy Store. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. I just, I need to get better.

I'm getting so sharp. I'm learning so much. Like, hey... It just is a really big moment for me. And... I get it. Moving here... It's just not my time. Sometimes in life, you see a moment

and you have to know if it's your moment. And right now, I'm in Los Angeles. It's hard. I'm suffering out there every day. I don't eat. I'm homeless. But I do it for the love of stand-up comedy.

Wow. This is what I'm talking about. The great Jetski Johnson. Legend of the Game. How long you in town for? Two more days. Okay. Well, perfect. And you're going to be on both of our shows, right?

Yeah. So one more stand-up comedian to add to your list of people to make sure you catch more of this week. There she goes, Jetski Johnson, everybody. Guys, she was a member of the show for hundreds of episodes. Can you make some noise for my friend,

Jetski Johnson? Comedy store royalty. All right. Speaking of people that have been part of this show for quite a while, this guy who's going to close out tonight, the final set that you're going to watch tonight, the man holds the record

for the longest standing regular in the history of the show. He is the Big Red Machine. Fresh off of opening all weekend for me multiple times and opening for Rogan. This is William Montgomery.

Hold on. First off, Red Band, what the fuck do you mean you're going to buy her a house? The fuck is going on with that? Everybody, keep it going for Jared Nathan. We actually used to sell

illegal timeshares to Hispanic people down in Florida. He was so vicious with the people. He was so weird. Just so we're very clear, I only wear my white Oakleys to church. That's the only fucking place I wear my white Oakleys

to church. Imagine being the parents of Marcy's Playground. Hey, isn't your son in a band? What song does he sing? It's called Sex and Candy. Oh, do they have any other big songs? Nope, just Sex and Candy.

It's all he'll ever be known for. Joe Biden's so old they're going to put his face on the buffalo nickel. I think he might be done. William Montgomery never really gives a signal when he's finished performing,

so we always just have to sort of guess at it. Very unorthodox style, William. You look like a guy that got fired from Best Buy today. For coming into work and not quite the proper uniform.

Yeah, I just got fucking laid off. I just ate some fucking mushrooms. I still do have two fucking guns in my goddamn truck. Serious business. I can't even find them back there!

Whoa. They're literally lost in my trunk. I can't find them. What else do you have in your trunk? Name things that are in your trunk. Hoses. Multiple hoses? Yeah, like three 60-foot hoses back there.

Damn. I think the proper word is heese. What else do you have in your trunk? I have three hoses. I have a bunch of cardboard back there. Yeah, a lot of cardboard. I started having to recycle cardboard

for money, so honestly, that's a little bit why I'm worried when I hear you're going to buy fucking Jesse a fucking house. What literally, what the fuck is going on with that? I think she's a very beautiful woman. If I can help her out and support her career, I'll do anything.

Of all the things to say. He just opens up guns and blazes them. Well, she's a very beautiful woman. I mean, talented. What a creeper toy, dude. Do you choose that outfit? Do you lay that out on the bed? Or do you just go to the cause and just grab shit?

Yeah, I chose it today. Why do you ask? Why did you say that? They look great. Thank you so much. Yeah, I was a little curious why you would fucking ask me that. I'm jealous. Okay, good to hear. I'm being aggressive with the guest. I don't want to, what did I tell you about that?

You told me not to be aggressive with the guest. I apologize, Charlie. You know what? You look like, and I like the outfit, but you look kind of like Louis Shike if he was stung by a hornet's nest. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't even fucking understand

that one. What the fuck did you just say? William? What did I tell you, William? You said don't be mean to the guest. That's right. Very good. You're doing a very good job. You listen to me and everything's okay. Okay. I love it. So, when you did get dressed today,

like, what were you thinking? Why are people laughing at that? I'm a little fucking confused. What the fuck is going on? This seems like a very nice outfit. I literally... You look like the video game character that people create when they're just going to go kill themselves on Grand Theft Auto.

Like, you make that character and then you just go to the biggest skyscraper in San Andreas and just jump off with no parachute. Maybe try to fire a gun on your way, but... Yeah, Tony. I've been having a pretty hard fucking week, so you hit the nail on the head

with that one. That's what I was fucking thinking when I put this ensemble on earlier. I was thinking, I am fucking sick of all this shit. I need to find the tallest fucking building in Austin. I still haven't figured that one out. If anybody knows, please tell me. I was on fucking Google for six

hours earlier. It's harder than you think trying to figure out how to fuck it with the tallest fucking building in Austin. It was nearly fucking impossible. I was literally on Google for six hours earlier looking up the tallest fucking building. I still don't know what the fuck it is.

Yeah, but you don't want to die in that outfit. What the fuck do you mean? What does that fucking mean? William? No, I'm really confused by that one. What the fuck does that mean? You look like an out of work scout leader.

God, why is everybody laughing? What is going on in here tonight? Everybody's laughing at you, William. What is going on in here? Just don't go to the prom tonight. I literally don't get that one. I literally don't understand that one.

They're all laughing at you. Oh, whoa, like Carrie. Oh. Fuck it. I'm sorry, I literally ate some mushrooms earlier tonight. I never do that. So I literally am horribly on edge right now.

I literally, also earlier, six hours on Google fucking three hours looking for my fucking guns. Three fucking hours! What did you have with the mushrooms? Two meatloafs?

What did I have with the mushrooms? Two meatloafs? Yeah, it does look like you're, you seem like the kind of guy that would eat meatloaf. I do, I get that one all the way. You really can't complain about that one. Yeah. You look like a meatloaf lover.

I mean, there's no doubt about it. It still gets the next day with meatloaf. You can just put it on a grilled cheese sandwich. That is one of the best sandwiches. So you are very correct about that. There's nothing better than food that you could fuck before you eat it.

What? I don't know if I get that one though. He fucks me most. He fucks me most. All right. Shut the fuck up! Yeah. You can yell at the audience all you

want. Them I don't care about. In fact, let your anger, anything you want to yell about Rich or Willie, yell at that girl up there right now. You can let it out on the audience. Why'd you fucking leave two weeks ago? I've been looking for you!

No, literally, why'd you leave two weeks ago? That was so weird you would have left two fucking weeks ago. It seemed like oh god. I can't fucking believe you decided to come here. Seriously, why the fuck would you do that?

The fuck are you thinking? Somebody get her out of here! William, how do you know this girl? Do you know her at all? I actually paid her to be here tonight. I paid her $50. I said yellow raisin bread

if it seems like it's not going good. So thank you. Fucking bitch, I'm kidding. I don't know who the fuck that is! I don't know who the fuck that is! I just stopped. That was getting too low. My favorite part of every William Montgomery said is looking on the audience and finding the two three people that aren't enjoying themselves

that literally are scared to death of what's up here right now. Like, this guy seems like he's serious about the guns in the trunk. Uh, seems unbalanced. I mean, we know they're willing to take advantage of it, everybody. We saw Jared Nathan earlier.

Uh, no, I'm kidding. William, what did you think of Jared Nathan's performance tonight? Did you hear the reception that this crowd gave him? I mean, you only got that. I was hoping you were not going to bring that up. I immediately

heard that. I was like, there's no way I'm going to get the same response. What am I even fucking doing here? What's going on? But I was very happy for him. He does very good. Yeah. Yeah, he does. And you all should have seen Tony when we had the shows in Raleigh this week. Tony guest fight, one of the shows

he guessed three different people's names correctly. I was on fire this week. Oh my god. I don't know why you're bringing that up right now, but it is pretty crazy. I do have a special skill where I can guess what people's names are or what they do

or where they're from, sort of, if I just stare at them for a while. From doing crowd work in an empty comedy store for so many years. Did you really think... Cool story. People thought you... No, seriously. Yeah, I'm sorry for being... I don't know why I brought that up, Tony. That was a bad mistake. Yeah, I was.

It was weird. Okay, I won't do that again. That's okay. I'd rather you be mean to the guest than ever do that again. I'm kidding, I'm joking. No, but I mean the fact that you thought people thought you had $50. What do you mean by that? Seriously, what do you mean by that?

William, you have any plans to see anything for South by Southwest or any fun things that you're doing for it? I don't. I'm excited about the shows tomorrow and the next night. Uh-huh. But no, not doing

anything else. Trying to figure out what fucking soup I'm going to make this week. He makes soup. He has a new crock pot that he uses. He had pasta basjoul last week. What have you been eating the last few days? He's on basically a soup-only diet.

Clearly, it's making him. Soup-only diet I discovered. This is going to sound weird, but I discovered if you put hot dogs in just a classic chicken noodle soup, it is to die for. Yeah, I don't know if you all have ever tried that, but yeah, just maybe four or five hot dogs just chopped up.

Damn. In just a classic chicken noodle soup. I don't know if you all have ever had that. It is so good. Shut the fuck up. The ladies are poppin' for hot dogs and chicken broth, everybody.

William, you did it again. Congratulations. Thank you so much. There goes William Montgomery. Rich Boss has a new special coming out on the Whitson Network in just a couple months. Check out his podcast My Wife Hates Me with the great Bonnie McFarlane.

How long can this place get for my guest, Rich Boss and Willie Hunter? Willie Hunter of Carmichael Showfame writes on all your favorite TV shows. Be sure to check out HBO's Kimmy

starring our very good friend Byron Bowers. How about one more time for the band, everybody? Michael Gonzalez, John B. Matt Mueling. The drawing from Ryan J. Belt is in. It is official. That's Rich Boss and

Willie Hunter. I don't think Rich likes this drawing. He likes it. Yeah, that's Ryan J. Belt. He's out in LA. He draws every single episode and every tour poster of this show. He drew that during this episode while it was being recorded. Live from Los Angeles. That's it.

The after party starts now. There's going to be merch in the corner over there. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.